#but not sam. bc while the act is right he himself is the problem. dean can't get out and he cant possibly be without sam

[shadystranger]

sam had a boner here

[k2ntoss]

A NICE EX !!! DESTIEL

tw ⭒ none, just destiel angst and them being exes ):

a/n ⭒ i think is was just time for me to write something angsty about my little boyfies, yk.... i hope you enjoy my written through tears shit, i listened to the whole smithereens album while choking my sobs, sorry in advance

words count ⭒ idk, i'll stop doing this bc it makes my head ache lmao

castiel is a nice ex, the kind of ex anyone would love to have because he doesn't talk shit about the person he loved with all of him even when he's not feeling okay.

castiel isn't sleeping because he knows he'll dream with those pretty forest green eyes that used to look at him like he was perfect, he knows he'll hear that raspy and soft voice telling him how much he means. it's been nights when not even the warmth of his covers helped, lights turned off and even low and soft music playing on the background but sleep never came.

it had been over half a year, seven months, three days and ten hours to be precise and he counted every passing second, because he was still friends with sam and even with charlie, there was times when he called them and he could hear dean calling their names from afar, cas voice trembled before he said goodbye almost at the second he heard him.

it was hard, the few times sam had invited castiel to drink something with him he would tell him how's dean been doing, he had someone new and it was one of his past loves; a girl named cassie, how ironic but cas was happy for him because dean was doing fine, or so he thought.

"so... he's doing fine, right?" castiel asks, charlie is sitting by his side, her hand on his arm for some sort of comfort while sam looks at him and sighs "yeah, pretty much fine so maybe you should try going out yourself, dude" he urges, his tone is soft because sam knows how hard this is for cas.

"you're dreamy, cas, i know no person would resist you" charlie gives him a smile, she has always had a pretty way to bring a light to anyone who needed it and here he was, not smiling but letting a soft hum escape his lips before he took a sip from his beer "i don't think i'm ready for something like that yet"

"well, you don't have to actually engage into something too serious, cas" sam tells him and he knows that's true but he has never liked the thought of a one night stand to forget a broken heart "mhm, i don't think that's a good idea" and cas is drinking his whole bottle to try and push away the idea of touching or kissing someone who wasn't dean.

the memories of the last day they were together, the day dean broke up with him are still playing fresh on his mind and it brings a stingy feeling to his chest, a burn to his eyes and a knot to his throat. the night died and cas left that bar where he was with sam and charlie, walking to his house with easy steps, his body feeling dizzy as he remembered how dean looked at him that day, his green eyes flooded with tears and his face red because the conversation escalated to a heated argument.

dean felt like cas had changed, he was different and he tried to hard to do anything and everything by himself, keeping his problems and pretty much any issue he might have for him, never letting dean help or at least listen and well, castiel could solve almost every problem which made him feel good, superior to a lot of people until that started to get home with him, where he would push dean away with a smug smirk to do whatever his boyfriend was doing before just to look at him with an attitude that made dean feel a bit useless.

months were like that, every passing day it became worse for him and cas could feel how it wasn't as perfect as before because dean wouldn't be all giddy to see him at the end of the day, he would just greet him with a short grunt or a quick hug, the love was still there bu it felt so hard to act on it.

"is something going on?" cas voice was soft, his weight on the bed making dean look at him for a couple seconds before he went back to read his book "not at all, everything's just fine" and that was their night talk, he'll turn off the night lamp and turn around to sleep, shifting away when cas's hand tried to reach his waist to pull him closer "it's hot, let's not sleep like that tonight" was one of dean's excuses.

castiel knew something was off, that dean wasn't the same as before but what was different? he was just trying to be better, he was trying to show the world that he wasn't as naive and dumb as everyone thought, he wasn't a mere soldier and that he could do things on his own but that wasn't how it looked for his lover, little did cas knew that it was killing them slowly and painfully.

"i can't keep doing this, castiel, do you think it's fine?" dean's voice was loud, he had just arrived from work and cas tried to talk about their problems "do you know what the main problem here is? it's you, you're fucking all this up" words filled with poison and rage, it was all on his chest and castiel felt the realization "dean, i don't know what you mean, i'm trying to do all of this for us" and the calm tone on his words, the way he seemed to be so oblivious of their issues made him feel angrier.

"you're just doing this for you, man, does it makes you feel so good? it's a fucking pain in the ass, you look like you saw yourself as some kind of god and i hate it, castiel" dean was right in front of him, his index pressed on his chest "i hate all of this, what we've become it's not what i want and it's driving me insane" every single word felt like a stab.

"this is not what i deserve and i'm fucking serious" and castiel knows he's damn right, deep inside him he knew it and he had to let dean go so he couldn't hurt him anymore "i won't come back, this is how it ends" dean walks away and he can see the two bags that wait on the hallway, just like that dean walks away. the engine of the impala roars on the sidewalk and that's the only signal he has.

he had lost dean.

castiel kept playing this scene over and over again each night, when he was walking to his home after a long day at work his words would go around his mind like a broken record but this time it was different because his body went into automatic pilot as soon as he went out of the bar.

his feet walking on their own and he wasn't aware until a voice shook him off his slumber "cas?" that voice and the way his shortened name slipped out of his lips, his heartbeat running wild on his chest he was so sure dean could hear it.

there he was, holding a small shoebox with a bunch of casettes on it right in front of the black chevy impala. still beautiful, still dean winchester. forest green eyes bore into his blue ones and he tried to say something.

"what are you doing here?" he asked softly, not even cas knew it because he never noticed until he called.

"uh, i'm not really sure" his answer came out hoarse, his voice as low as always while he tilted his head a little trying to find out how he ended up standing right in front of the love of his life "it's good to see you're doing fine"

"yeah, fine... i'm doing fine" dean said, a small scoff escaping his lips "you're doing fine, cas?" he asked after leaving the box on baby's roof.

"not really, it's been a hard long time" castiel says looking away, he can feel dean's gaze on him and he fights the urge to get close, to hug him and not let go off him ever again "heard you're happy without me, i hope it's true... it hurts but it's okay, i could handle all the pain in the universe if it was for you"

and dean knows it's true, he knows how much castiel would do for him but he doesn't know where did that got lost before they broke up.

cas thought it would be dumb of him to wait for an answer, he knew dean was doing fine without him so he just walked past him. his hand patting his shoulder when he stood for a second by his side "you know i'd still die for you"

and he left, dean turned around just to look at his figure walking away from him. he wasn't doing fine either, nights were darker and not even cassie could fill the emptiness castiel left. he was left alone once again.

[scoobydoodean]

#prev he’s the moral one bc he’s consistent enough to be willing to kill innocent humans for the greater good (or dean)#not only innocent monsters like dean is#he has a moral compass it’s just a bad one <3#also i stand by it being very meaningful that this mostly starts in s3#being resurrected by dean trapped him in this cycle of doing evil to protect their family#mary passed it onto john who passed it to dean who passed it to sam#in many ways they probably also passed it to castiel and jack

Sorry, but I can't always resist tags on my own gifsets. (For anyone needing alt text—this set does have it now if you click on the original).

The cycle of sacrifice begins in 1.12 "Faith", when Sam takes Dean to a faith healer, and a gay man dies in Dean's place. While Sam didn't know someone else would die in Dean's place at the time, I don't actually think he feels bad about it... ever. We get no indication that he ever thinks about it. The only feelings of guilt seem to fall on Dean, who wrestles with what happened the whole episode, and in the end, stops running from the reaper and plans to let it kill him so Layla can be healed. 1.12 "Faith" and John's sacrifice, from my perspective, are both motivations for Dean's own deal in 2.22 (John's explicitly) where Dean "sets the universe back into order" by removing himself from the world since he isn't supposed to be here anyway (he hasn't "belonged" on this plane since 1.12). As he tells Bobby, "I'm not even supposed to be here."

Dean specifically asked Sam not to work with demons to try and save him all of season 3, and in 3.16 essentially made it his legacy/dying wish. Sam knowingly went against Dean's dying wish, which is his prerogative, but let's be honest about it and about Dean not "making" him do anything, and also acknowledge that he's a grown man, and so is Castiel. They frequently do things Dean specifically asked them not to do, in fact, and Dean isn't responsible for their choices as if they are children and he's their mommy who is raising them badly.

Season 3 was filled with repeated examples of Sam being willing to make moves Dean wasn't (turn them both into Frankenstein's monsters who live forever, sacrifice a virgin), and to also turn on his own previous principles.

Sam is the one who had a problem with killing humans who were murderers. We saw this starting in 1.12, where Dean argued for killing the person using a reaper to kill people for clout. We saw it again in 1.14 "Nightmare" when Dean was willing to kill Max and Sam wasn't. Sam called Ruby a cold bitch when she said he did the demon meatsuits he killed in 3.04 a favor, only to kill a crossroad's demon for making him angry the very next episode and kill the meatsuit. Textually, this is because his morals are shifting as he becomes more desperate to save Dean and angry that he can't without violating his principles. This makes his principles more flexible, and he ultimately abandons the attitude of not killing humans who murder in 3.09, where he immediately says they should kill the small group of witches doing neighborhood murders and curses even though they're humans, much to Dean's surprise, who explicitly questions him not because it isn't something Dean would do, but because Sam "isn't acting like himself." Sam responds that his morals have gotten him nowhere, and he has to become stronger (i.e., change his morals) to prepare for or deal with Dean's death. This does not make Sam's moral switch Dean's responsibility, anymore than I'd say Sam's move in 1.12 "Forced" Dean to continue the cycle. Dean is an adult, and Sam is too.

Sacrificing innocent humans is something Sam is willing to do only in extreme circumstances where he feels he can justify it—and Dean's life is always on the line when he considers it. Sam and Dean are of one mind in 4.07 when Uriel and Cas say they're going to destroy the town and everyone in it to prevent Samhain's rise. Right along with Dean—standing as one unit from beginning to end—Sam fiercely argues to risk the seal.

Sam was willing to sacrifice Dean for the greater good in the season 11 finale, but Dean was also willing to let Sam die for the greater good in 5.22 "Swan Song". He was willing to let Sam take on the Mark of Cain (a death sentence) in season 11. Sam was not willing to let Dean die in 8.14 or season 10, or in season 14 for the "greater good". In 3.16, he summoned Ruby to help him save Dean specifically against Dean's wishes, and only didn't go through with it because Dean caught and outsmarted them because he knew Sam wouldn't listen and prepared a trap. Between season 3 and season 4, he lets us know he tried to make a deal and tried to open the Devil's Gate (which would let out tons of demons into the world yet again) in order to get Dean back (4.01, 4.09).

Dean did not trap Sam in a cycle of doing evil to protect their family. There is a family cycle that exists, which Dean recognizes in 3.16 and urges they should break by explicitly not dealing with demons to save each other.

In multiple cases, Dean explicitly asked Sam not to do things Sam chose to do anyway—like use The Book of the Damned, and develop his powers with Ruby. He doesn't do a few other things in these gifsets because Dean, specifically, won't go along with it. People are responsible for their own choices. I find the need in fandom to make Dean responsible for everyone else's decisions rather concerning.

Sam + Human Sacrifice 1/? | 3.12, 3.15, 4.22, 7.03, 9.03, 10.19, 10.23, 11.01

[autisticandroids]

Okay so this was a while back but im preety sure you had mentioned an au of yours where dean is a serial killer and cas successfully stalks him but i don't think you talked about it more than that and i just really want to hear a bit more bc that idea sounds so tastefully fucked up

okay so. weeks later i finally end up answering this ask. it inspired this post btw. anyway spn is a show that's like. all about justifications, as i said in the post inspired by this ask. it's about having no choice and doing what you have to do. and like there is the phantasy embedded in it, a phantasy that is both indulged and punished. but most importantly it's justified. the monsters are super strong to show how brave our heroes are for fighting them, the main characters let out great wails of grief every time their lady loves are violently ripped from them (even though now they are free to do whatever they want), the narrative twists to show our heroes as correct whatever they do. the fantasy (of being allowed to enact violence, of being free from feminine "control," of being right) comes first. the material construction of the universe of supernatural comes afterward. whatever the fantasy is, the universe of supernatural will provide material conditions to justify its acting-out.

and what this means is that our protagonists, dean in particular, are constantly doing just horrific things, which in any other circumstance would be unconscionable. but the universe of supernatural provides justification for these acts. the point of my serial killer au which i think about so so so much is to ask the question: what if these justifications melted out from under their feet? what if dean was left holding nothing but a lie and the weight of everything he's done?

therefore, the premise of my au is such (under the cut because this baby is long):

john and mary winchester, in the mid seventies, joined a doomsday cult known as the men of letters. the men of letters were rather unusual for a doomsday cult, in that they believed that the apocalypse could be prevented by human behavior. this started as correct living, correct worship, yadda yadda, the kind of behavior and thought control that cults are known for, but with the justification of: if you don't do this, the world will end. eventually, this escalated to human sacrifice. the men of letters managed to untraceably kill two homeless people in the late seventies. but they eventually fell apart. however, a month after john and mary left the men of letters (mostly john's choice, mary still believed), mary died in a house fire. john took it as a sign from god that actually, the men of letters were right, and the world would end unless john himself did something about it. so he took some of the (intensely numerological) theology of the men of letters. and he worked out his own formula. and he applied it to the yellow pages. and started ritualistically killed people to prevent the apocalypse, with his two sons in the back of the car.

now, obviously, this is some kind of grief induced temporary madness on john's part, shaped by the mental abuse he suffered in the men of letters. but the thing is, once you've killed a couple of people to prevent the apocalypse. well. there's this thing called the sunk costs fallacy. john wasn't gonna question his own beliefs after that.

and he raised his boys to believe it, too, or at least he raised dean to. they didn't tell sam what they did until he was twelve, and sam didn't buy it, tried to call the cops on them several times but in the end, they always prevented him. eventually sam ran off to stanford, where he now lives under a cloud of guilt that he's too loyal to his family to rat them out.

john died a few years back of a heart attack, but dean is convinced it's because he messed up a ritual two weeks before it happened, so it pushed him further into this belief system.

dean's killings (and john's before him) are ritualistic and distinctive, obviously the same killer each time. but they happen anywhere in the united states, seemingly at random, there are inconsistent amounts of time between each one (sometimes as short as days, sometimes as long as years), and there is no particular victim profile. obviously, since our killers are following an arcane mathematical formula to make their choices for them, but the police don't know that.

castiel novak is an unemployed shut-in with a small inheritance which he's living off of, a cryptography degree, and an obsession with all things morbid. he spends most of his time on the reddit true crime forums, playing amateur sleuth. by complete chance, he happens to recognize one of the symbols frequently used in corpse displays by the so-called sioux falls satanic slaughterer (so named because the first time three of his victims were in the same part of the country, it so happened that they were all in sioux falls, south dakota. this was in the late eighties.) as being mostly only used by a little known cult group called the men of letters, which dissolved in the mid eighties.

he only notices this because, as a teen, he had a special interest in cults and fringe religious groups. the men of letters weren't a particularly notable or well known phenomenon; they were small, and a lot like every other cult that formed during the seventies cult boom. (no outsider ever heard about the human sacrifice; there were rumors, of course, but they were garbled, sensationalized, and mixed up with satanic panic fodder.)

(the men of letters' two sacrifices were nothing particularly romantic or fantastical. they first lured panhandler josie sands back to their compound with promises of food and a warm bed when she admitted she couldn't get a bed at a shelter, and was thinking of getting caught shoplifting just so she could be under a roof in the county jail. the men of letters' leader, a man who took on the name alistair, forced his inner circle to dress in the ceremonial black robes he had given them when he initiated them into his nearest and dearest, and which his wife had sewn out of old bed sheets and dyed black with home made oak gall dye. these robes still left black smudges on the wearer's skin occasionally if they sweated too much. josie was laid, bound, on the altar, a slapdash thing constructed over the course of two days from scrap plywood and a couple of milk crates. a rich red tablecloth purchased at macy's for $3.99 hid its ugliness and gave it grandeur. alistair attempted to kill the struggling miss sands by bringing a sharpened kitchen knife down on her bosom and piercing her heart, but, having never killed a human or even slaughtered an animal before, was unaware of the problem presented by the human ribcage. after rather ineffectually poking at the area beneath sands' bosom with his knife while she shrieked in pain and terror for about ninety seconds, alistair tried a different tack, and slit her throat, which worked just fine, and she bled out quite nicely. the second and final victim of the men of letters was a local vagrant named larry ganem, an older gentleman who walked with a limp. he was lured back to the compound in approximately the same manner as sands, but instead of being bound, he was fed stew laced with sleeping pills. even if alistair hadn't slit his throat, he wouldn't have woken up. it's actually arguable whether he was still alive at time of sacrifice; mary winchester (eight months into her first pregnancy), who, as a member of the inner circle, was in attendance, actually tried to take ganem's pulse as he lay on the altar (now covered by a different tablecloth; the red one had turned stiff with sands' blood and been subsequently burned) and found nothing, so it is entirely possibly only sands' death can be directly laid at alistair's feet, and ganem's is the fault of mrs. ellen harvelle, who prepared the laced stew. regardless, these two deaths are lessons in the nature of human evil: it is very rarely skilled, suave, or smooth. it's often slapdash, half-hearted, and just plain incompetent. but that makes it no less grisly. alistair may have begun to drink his own kool-aid, as it were, and escalated this far out of genuine belief that the apocalypse was coming and it was up to him to stop it, but it is far more likely that he sensed the imminent collapse of his little empire, and wanted to bind his subjects to him through the horrors of shared guilt, considering two lives a small price to pay for the continued loyalty of his inner circle. and the tactic worked: the men of letters didn't start to collapse in earnest until almost four years later. perhaps if alistair had continued the killings, the men of letters could have lasted for far longer, maybe even up until the present day. but it seems that alistair, a psychiatrist by training and unused to violence, simply didn't have the stomach for it. unlike, say, john winchester, who before his time with the men of letters had done a two year tour in vietnam, during which he had killed three living, thinking human beings with the american government's go-ahead.)

anyway. castiel is the first person, ever, to make the connection between the men of letters and the sioux falls satanic slaughterer. and once that connection is made, castiel begins to research the men of letters far more in-depth. and he notices something: the theology of the men of letters was intensely numerological, filled with patterns, significant numbers, and even spiritual equations.

castiel thinks of the seemingly random selection of the slaughterer's victims, and has an epiphany.

he cracks all his fingers, and gets coding.

six months. it takes castiel six months to discover an equation that could fit the slaughterer's pattern. it's complex, but also clearly based on several of the men of letters' holy numbers, and accounts for every single one of the killings. it also suggests that there should have been two or three more deaths scattered across the years, but more than likely those did happen, it's just that they weren't reported as part of the slaughterer's portfolio.

but much more importantly, castiel's model can also make predictions. there will be two killings, fifteen days apart, in a city seven hours' drive away, six weeks from now.

so castiel waits. and he books a hotel room. and two months later, he's waiting outside 217 oak street when a shadowy figure climbs up a tree and lets itself into the upstairs window.

dean winchester is feeling particularly all alone in the world when he breaks into maisey banks' home (217 oak street). his father has been dead for half a decade, and he hasn't spoken to his baby brother for twice that. it's not like this whole grizzly saving the world business makes him a lot of friends. so once he's done killing maisey (which is easy, she was ninety three and dying of cancer anyway. she doesn't even wake up when he slits her throat) and arranging her corpse in the appropriate manner, with prayers and sigils, he turns around. and sees a man standing behind him.

smiling slightly.

as he watches dean gut this old woman.

dean freezes.

the man takes a step forward.

"you're very attractive for a serial killer who's been operating since the eighties."

dean is silent.

"family business, is it?"

silence continues.

"i'm not here to report you to police. i'm just here to see if my algorithm worked right."

and dean finally breaks his silence: "what the hell is wrong with you?"

what's fun here is that dean knows (or rather "knows") that he isn't a serial killer. so he finds what cas is doing, this amoral serial killer stormchasing, morally repugnant. because cas has no way of knowing he isn't a regular serial killer.

there's also the fact that that cas proceeds to flirt with him. aggressively. and follows him back to his motel.

but the thing is that dean is all alone in the world. and as cas continues trailing him around, he starts getting, well, flattered. and feeling a little bit less alone.

it doesn't take very long before they fall into bed. even if cas is an amoral stalker with a fetish for what dean considers a distasteful yet necessary vocation.

so. they fall into bed. they fall in love. they make a little life together, in dean's big sexy car. dean tries to explain to cas that he's saving the world. that these people's lives are a necessary price to pay. and cas seems to listen.

of course, castiel doesn't believe a word of it. but he's found that he likes dean. really likes him. and he realizes that the collapse of dean's belief system would destroy him.

so he sets about becoming as complicit in it as possible.

even to the extent where, when dean is hit by a car and ends up into the hospital a day before one killing is meant to take place, castiel agrees to take on the job. (he doesn't actually kill anyone, obviously. but he does use his extensive skill with computers to create three fake newspaper articles which make it look like he has.)

but five years later, something goes wrong. really, really wrong. dean miscalculates the formula. and by the time he checks his work, the actual date of the next kill, as demanded by the formula, has passed. in fact, so have three others. and the world didn't end.

dean collapses. he hyperventilates. all those people. all those people. for no reason. all those people. all those people. all those people. all those people. all those people. all those people. all those people. all those people. all those people. all those people. all those people. all those people. all those people. all those people. all those people. all those people. all those people. all those people. all those people. all those people. all those people. all those people.

cas seems totally unfazed. dean stares at him in shock. but cas just takes dean in his arms, and whispers in his ear: "oh, dean, i never believed in the equation. i love you no matter what you've done."

and dean buries his face in cas' chest.

[whyjm]

Why I did not like the Spn finale

This is gonna be a long post..

I cannot get over my thoughts about how it ended and how bad I feel about it. I am so angry, sad and feel so utterly disappointed, I cannot wrap my mind around how this was supposed to be a satisfying tying up emotional archs ending??? Bc it was so far away from satisfying I would laugh if I was not presently crying over it..

There are several things that irked me a lot. Many people have voiced the problems of this show and its ending much more eloquently than I will ever be able to do.. But I gotta get these fucking thoughts and feelings out of my system.

I have been with Spn since the first episode aired. I am a straight woman, I don’t have to fight for representation, I don’t have to worry about coming out and being accepted for who I am, I don’t have the daily struggles of feeling anxious or depressed or suicidal or not being able to be who I am. I am lucky that way!

To me love is love and all love should be equal! And I stand with all who struggle and all who are not free to be who they are. I see you and I love you and I support you fully!!!

To see my friends having to fight, and then on top of that have a show that has meant so much to so many people be butchered and have a negative last message sent out, in its last 36 minutes of its life … It is a hard pill to swallow.

Cas and Dean  

In 15x18 we got to have a beautiful confession from Cas to Dean where Cas tells Dean he loves him and we know this is romantic love bc Cas begins by saying that the one thing I want I know I can’t have and then later I love you. Also Misha confirming it! This scene made me ugly cry so hard bc FINALLY.. (BUT what is missing from it.. the editing is strange.. bc Cas pushes Dean to the right but he falls to the left. Dean has no tears in his eyes while he looks straight at Cas when he talks, but he has tears in his eyes when he looks over his shoulder and see the empty. So what in this scene has been cut away and WHY?) Misha and Jensen did a great job with this and Cas got to find peace in just speaking his truth...  And it was beautiful to watch and after having seen Dean sitting sobbing on the floor the natural and logical continuation of this would have been to in the next episode address this, but in episode 19 no such thing happened. And I wondered where did Dean’s grief go where did his CARE for Cas go?? Dean who has been depressed and suicidal when Cas have died before is all of sudden cold and act like nothing have happened at least nothing that affected him very deeply.. It felt disconnected and strange. And it continued on like that and it felt very strange to NOT address such a HUGH plot point. It’s not enough to have Dean say to Chuck to bring Cas back or to see him wasted out of his mind, or hugging a dog like his emotional wellbeing depends on it.. This is not resolution or addressing it.

All of season 15 has felt like the relationship between Cas and Dean has been in focus and important to the overall arch of the season, and explored and then all of a sudden all traces of it are just ripped away, erased completely.. To have a confession like this go unacknowledged to me is poor writing bc you do not leave this big of a thing hanging in the air without resolution (fine you can argue Cas got resolution but I feel that no Cas did not get resolution either bc his feelings SHOULD have gotten a response no matter what that response was.. Dean did not, we never got to hear or see his version or his thoughts about it.)

I was thinking narratively they HAVE to address this, Deans thoughts and reactions to this gotta be shown. They HAVE to resolve this, acknowledge it. I have been sure a long time they would NEVER have Dean reciprocate Cas love  but keep it in subtext bc they are too fucking chickenshit to do that but at least have Dean talk about Cas….. that I expected him to do.. But it was not done in 19. I got the horrible feeling in my gut that they are not gonna resolve this they are gonna fuck this up, they are gonna go full brothers only and not give a fuck they are gonna push Cas out and show no care. Then we come to the final episode and boy howdy is there a lot to unpack with this episode.

(I had watched the long road home before the finale and when I watched that I KNEW that the end was going to be a letdown I felt it in all of me that I was gonna be disappointed. And I was proven right. And I have so many thoughts all jumbled up around each other that I don’t know in which end to start so sorry if what follows is incoherent and rambly.. )

15x20 - The end  

20 felt like a FILLER episode, right up until Dean’s death scene I was bored and was seriously considering turning my computer of and just not watch. (A finale should be as engaging and emotionally packed like episode 18 was. I refuse to acknowledge 20 as the end.. To me it ended on 19. That wrapped things up. Not completely satisfying but hell of a lot better than the disaster that 20 is.) But then Dean was impaled on that rusty spike thingy and I was watching with attention. I GET why they did Deans death the way they did, even if that is one shitty death for Dean and could have been fixed so he did not die.. I get what they wanted to get out of it: a brothers sad moment that they turned into a irksome thing. I actually cringed about the head thing and the hands and the farming of it all just urgh I got sick to my stomach watching that. What should have been a beautifully sad moment was put together in a romantic coded way and that to me ruined the heartfelt goodbye. Bc you do not touch and hold a dying family member like that. I KNOW I have said goodbye to my fair share of loved ones that I have loved soo deeply, but the thought of touching like that NO no way.. And also they have NEVER done that forehead touch in previous deaths, so to do this now just felt irksome.

They killed Dean a character that has struggled his whole life with being daddy’s blunt little instrument, who has self-worth issues and are suicidal, who has never lived for his own sake but have only ever lived to protect and raise another, he continues to put others before himself though (up until the last couple of seasons where we have seen them both break away from this toxic behavior). Finally he was allowed to LIVE and have a life that was not controlled, not running in a hamster wheel like a fucking puppet on a string. He was Free of all of that. He was free to go after what HE wanted for himself and what Dean wanted was LOVE, in my mind its perfectly clear that Dean loves Cas back bc that is what the story have been telling us.. its right there and the story do not make sense without it. Many others have done a great job at talking about this and describe this way better than me. So I leave further discussion about that topic to them.

Dean was looking for a job.  The angel Dean has loved since purgatory told him that he loved him and then died sacrificing himself to SAVE Dean yet again and then Dean dies a few days later.. How is this doing justice to Dean and what the hell kind of message does this send out to the ones watching?? They are saying it does not matter if you fight, your destiny is written for you and the only relief and comfort you will have will be death. They are saying Meh don’t fight it’s better to die bc it does not matter what you do. This is one of the fucked up messages this godawful ending sent to all those who have identified with Dean and Cas throughout the years.

They also say Cas who has been part of the story for 12 years is not important enough to have there, they IGNORED Cas, a mention in passing does not do justice to a character that has been crucial to the boys lives for 12 years. Dean Screamed in Sam’s face CAS IS FAMILY, Dean was destroyed when Cas died, he was hurt when Cas left bc everyone leaves Dean, Sam missed Cas etc… but still not important enough to show up in heaven in the last episode greeting first Dean and then Sam to heaven.. PFT…

To leave Cas and Misha out of the FINALE of a show that he has been part of for 12 years is so fucking disrespectful to Cas, to Misha and ALL the fans who love and adore both. It also makes no sense since  they all say how beloved Cas and Misha are. and don’t go fucking covid made it impossible bc the last scene with all those people without masks.. No that is just lying liars who lie…Covid my ass! This angers me a lot.

Family do end in ONLY blood apparently…..  

(And maybe lead to a lot of viewers for walker???  hence this very nice shirltess Sam scene............. ) shirtless Sam is always good though so no complaining here.

We see Sam and the dog give Dean a hunters funeral.. NO OTHERS are there?  How is it possible that none of the found family wouldn’t want to be there and show up?? Jack has restored everyone but still only Sam and the dog are there, no Eileen, no Jody and the girls, Donna, Garth, and the list goes on and on. Bc they wanna hammer in harder that supernatural has ever only ever been about two brothers and no one else matters ever.. It does not matter that this has not been true since the earlier seasons. The show of course is about Sam and Dean’s lives and journey through life, and I have loved to follow along on their journey.  BUT it was a long time ago this was the ONLY thing that mattered (bc if it had only been about the brothers the show would NOT have gone on for this long). Along the way they have picked up FOUND Family, and the message of the show has been Family don’t end in blood, Always Keep Fighting. But this last episode reverted back to season 1 and disregarded ALL character growth and storytelling of the past 12 years and went with fuck it ONLY Sam and Dean are important. So the next fucked up message they sent where: There is no Family don’t end in blood.. The only family that matters is blood. And then they have the balls to say Always Keep Fighting.. Are they fucking kidding????

Character development…….. who????  

Sam lives on after Dean dies and we get a montage of his life where he look miserable and is shown to not being able to get over that Dean died. We get a blurry wife and a kid named Dean. In his house there are photos of ONLY himself, Dean and their parents and maybe one of his son? Don’t remember all the details and refuse to watch that episode ever again. But no friends, no family, no happy moments are shown, it looked like a very lonely life. He dies with only his son there.. WHERE are Sam’s friends??? This montage of Sam’s supposed happy life is NOT happy bc he is not able to get over that Dean is dead, he can’t live a  happy life bc Dean is not there - again something that irked me and felt disrespectful to all the growth Sam and Dean have gone through. It was toxic codependency all the way through and that is not satisfying to watch. Especially since the brothers had actually broken that dependency. Sam had broken free, Sam have through the years wanted to get away from Dean and live his life as he wants and then he was happy…We have a moment way back in season 5 maybe? Where Sam runs away and this is shown as one of his happy moments in dark side of the moon.. No Dean in his happy places, Sam having thanksgiving with his girlfriend and her family, Sam alone with a dog. We have Sam and Amelia when Dean was in purgatory. So Sam IN text have been shown being able to be happy without Dean so why could he not do it this time?? Makes no sense! You can grieve but still have a good life.. But they CHOSE to show it like Sam was miserable bc Dean was dead and life was not worth living happily without Dean there..

The brothers have lately interacted like two individual adults, separated from each other, making their own decisions and trusting each other in making them, they wanted different things in life. And seriously WHERE DID EILEEN GO?? Why was Sam not reunited with Eileen that he some eps previous was shown to love, no instead they had blurry wife which feels like such a cop out. Sam did not get to live a happy fulfilling life and why did Sam not deserve to live a happy life with Eileen??? I know they are blaming corona for a lot of things missing in the finale that they intended.. BUT and this is a BIG BUT remember Jensen did not like the ending it did not sit well with him, he had a hard time digesting it, he objected to the ending! He spoke about that dying in battle would not be a satisfying ending - see the video of him talking about this at SDCC 2019. There is so much more to say about this but other people have voiced it so much better than I ever could so I move on to the next issue.

Dean in heaven  

Dean when he first arrives there happens upon Bobby who tells him John and Mary lives down the road and that Rufus and Arheta lives around there too. I hope Bobby’s wife was indoors, and that Jack with the help of Cas fixed heaven.  To this Dean only smirk/smiles.. and then Dean sees baby and goes for a drive ALONE with the words he will be here soon from Bobby again Sam is the only one that ever matter PFT. Dean who found a home in the bunker alongside Sam, Cas and Jack who told John: I have a family and that he was happy with himself and his life…. Spends his time endlessly driving around alone just waiting for Sam to appear.. ALL of Deans growth is thrown out the window.. he is reduced to salad dressing. Deans only purpose is to live for his brother and cannot possibly have what he WANTS for himself not even in death. He drives around for who knows how many years until Sam dies. HOW is this justice to DEAN? How is this a good and satisfying ending for Dean. Dean who wanted to LIVE, Dean who wanted to experience people in new ways, who had let go of Sam and saw Sam as his own person, now in heaven only drives around waiting for Sam to get there having no life or meaning of his own. It pisses me off to no end that they reverted back to toxic codependent Sam is all that is important to Dean shit.. They have broken away from this shit years ago and this is how they choose to end it right back at the beginning..

Now what is the point of telling  a story of growth and love and life if all that that journey amounts to is ending up at the exact point it started on?? You can watch season 1 and 2 and then this finale and it makes sense.. But having watched season 1-15 this ending does great injustice to the characters and the story. Again many others have written way better posts about this that expresses the great disappointment and hurt that is being screamed everywhere right now.

The Actors

I want to add the performance of all actors through the years, the love and care they have poured into their characters are amazing I have loved every bit of that journey. I love Jared, Jensen and Misha, and all the others for their amazing work and that is maybe why it hurts so much it ended in this way!

[transmascdeanwinchester]

You got any trans man dean headcanons? 👀

I don’t know when u sent this so sorry if I’m answering late!!!

Also I just have the basic bitch set of trans dean headcanons tbh but they make me go feral so I will repeat them!!

- lazurus rising when cas brought dean back he put him in the body he’s always deserved (the mirror scene lives in my head rent free baby!)

- teenage dean stealing testosterone from hospitals and pharmacies when he had the chance bc they moved around too much for him to have a stable prescription pickup plan

- John being pissed for awhile that dean’s not his “perfect little girl” like he thought but getting over it bc dean is so determined to emulate him to prove his masculinity that it just makes him a better more fierce hunter and protector so John gets over it in like a year (Dean’s always been Like That anyway,,, in the grand scheme of things it’s less Distracting to have this small ongoing conflict that John just calls him Dean and does the passive aggressive “you wanna be a man? Act like it.” bullshit you know how it goes)

- Dean knowing he’s not a girl from a young age (like probably about 6) and teaches Sam to call him Dean and that he’s his brother from the time sammy can talk (Sam doesn’t learn Dean’s name is legally Deanna until he’s starting middle school)

- Dean binding in his teens by wearing those tank tops that are like skin tight but also stretchy material? With the built in bra part? he wears two of those under all the Normal Winchester layers and it gives him the flat chest (what isn’t flattened completely gets lost under his dad’s leather jacket he wears to school every day)

- it goes without saying but Dean, age 7, cut his hair for the first time in a shitty hotel bathroom mirror by trying to copy a dude in a shaving ad in a magazine (John didn’t even notice for three days)

- Dean gets top surgery after sam goes to Stanford when he’s supposed to be on a solo hunt (he tells John he’s hunting something but really he’s recovering at Bobby’s)

- Bobby, we are not surprised, is a good father figure and shut that shit down when dean explains that he’s just gonna hole up in a motel once he gets his surgery (“Boy, do you know how fucking dirty motel linens are? I am NOT letting you die from an infection and most certainly not leaving you Alone for months defenseless”)

- Dean using makeup to make his jawline a little sharper and more square even tho the iffy food situation growing up made sure he barely has any roundness to his face to begin with

- on the flip side dean playing up his fem features to use as a distraction when he hustles pool

- dean training his voice by trying to copy the sound of his favorite singers voices (and John since he hears his voice most consistently)

- dean knocking the shit out of transphobes (the comments don’t even have to be directed at him, he hears them and it’s ON SIGHT no question)

- dean acting like a womanizer bc that’s what Men Do and it’s all just literally part of his carefully constructed hyper masculine image bc it’s so so difficult to pick up anyone when what’s under theclothes don’t match what can be seen on the surface (Cassie is the first person he sleeps with and he’s so terrified but she doesn’t care holy shit she doesn’t care?)

- Dean chooses to keep his name close to his birth name bc that’s the name his mother gave him and he doesn’t want to disrespect her by completely changing it

- On the topic of dean’s hyper masculine image he constructs it from a mix of John and from the action movies he studies religiously when he has the chance (this is what boys like this is what every man dreams of being I have to like this too-) even tho he has enough action and violence in his actual life thanks,

- Dean not being big on faith because he can’t imagine some higher power choosing to make him be born in the wrong body and make him work so hard to fix it himself like life wasn’t hard Enough

- Dean being so immensely pleased when word gets around the monster worlds about the Winchester Brothers,,, the validity of your reputation being cemented in the way you’ve carefully crafted it to be

- Dean rationalizing that it’s okay for him to spend time and energy on making sure he’s presenting masc and getting the body language and mannerisms down because it helps him be better at his jobs as protector of his family and as a hunter (men are thought of as stronger/scarier, men are taken more seriously when interviewing locals/victim’s families, more authority is afforded to men)

- dean almost shooting a man in a bar bathroom when he’s fourteen and just needed to deal with shark week stuff real quickly but this drunk decided a “teenage girlie only has one use in a men’s bathroom” but dean just knocks him out and sprints back to the motel (dean doesn’t use public bathrooms after that if he can help it)

- dean not knowing the word transgender until he finds it in a library book while he’s supposed to be researching but really he’d heard the slur and needed to be clear on why it made him feel so icky so he was looking it up in the dictionary and he’s like Oh that’s Me

- Bobby doesn’t actually meet Sam and Dean until after Dean’s cut his hair for the first time and Sammy can only say half words (most Dee, which is good enough for Dean) so one of Dean’s first impressions of Bobby is him asking John “didn’t you have a daughter?” and John just giving a tired sigh because he’s too busy with the hunt he’s here for to try and get into it but Dean butts in with “No, he’s always had two boys, I’m Dean and this is Sammy” and Bobby doesn’t comment on this little high pitched voice or question it much because he’s babysitting this kid for the next two weeks and he doesn’t want it to be a hostile two weeks (and it never becomes a problem because by the end of week one Bobby never even entertains the idea that Dean isn’t a little boy)

- After Dean gets back from Hell literally the only thing that trips Sam and Bobby up (aside from that he just resurrected lmao) is that his shoulders are more squared and he’s just built more like he should be (see previous point about cas rebuilding him as he should’ve been!)

- Dean never having much money but he still donates to queer charities when he can (makes a point of it in June especially)

- Dean hangs a trans flag in his room at the bunker (and one in the dean cave too)

- The insane validation Dean feels at being called The Rifhteous Man (also the fact that Heaven Knew he was a man all along but didn’t lift a finger to make that any easier to show the rest of the world adds to dean’s general hatred towards them tho)

That’s all I can think of right now but just!! Trans Dean!!!!

Thank u for asking friend!!!

(@bowie-boy I am tagging u bc idk if u will see this post so hope that’s okay!!!)

[spnshameblog]

I wish Jensen was as horrified by people shipping Dean with his brother as he seems to be over Destiel.

i'm not gonna lie, i have bad feelings, too. i think that jensen has done a lot of things that have led to lgbt/queer kids feeling invalidated and he has given a lot of people ammunition to bully us over fictional ships. i also think that was entirely unintentional, but that doesnt make it better.

i gotta be honest, i take a lot of the info out there with several grains of salt, especially unverified stuff and fan stories. people like to lie on the internet. (i remember a few years ago someone made up chris evans having a panic attack at a convention and cevans himself had to clear that up bc concerned fans kept messaging him) i know he doesnt like talking about destiel at cons and the few times he did pre-despair werent that positive.

i think bc his first real exposure to shipping was w*ncest he mentally equated shipping to fetishisation and hes not the only one. you can tell from a lot of comments that other actors (sometimes even misha) think fanfic is all about smut and that its mostly written by horny straight women aged 16 to 45. which is incorrect and hurtful, but ok.

the way he talks about the confession scene is jarringly different and enthusiastic. there has been this meet and greet where he got asked a few questions about it and while i, again, like to be sceptical about these types of sources, it does match up with his general behaviour wrg to the confession. i think he genuinely had a change of perspective some time in the later seasons and i dont think he was ever actually horrified by the existence of destiel, but annoyed about his own misinterpretation of what destiel actually meant to the fans. not gonna defend him for that tho, he did contribute to the mistreatment and gaslighting of queer spn fans, even if that was never his intention.

now w*ncest is another thing. it drives me up the wall whenever w*ncest and destiel are in any way put into relation to each other and as much as i love robbie, im fucking mad about them having both of the "ships" in fan fiction in the first place. however: sam and dean CONSISTENTLY react to w*ncest with disgust, confusion and horror, like duh. w*ncest is, iirc, mentioned more times in-universe than destiel as a ship. fan fiction has the only mention of destiel as a fictional ship, whereas w*ncest has been mentioned multiple times before, aka in every episode becky is in. its always portrayed as ridiculous, mostly played for laughs and never taken seriously. to the cast and crew of spn w*ncest is a non-thing bc it disqualifies itself by its own nature. nobody in their right mind (which excludes most w*ncest shippers sadly) would expect them to actually put i//ncest on screen. its easier to joke about this, simply because its so ridiculous.

i think jensen and co dont see w*ncest itself as a 'danger', thats why they never talk about how disgusted they are by it, its a foregone conclusion. it cannot be treated seriously bc its simply too bogus.

destiel however. unless youre a raging homophobe or devout biblical christian there is nothing morally wrong with destiel, which makes it harder to discredit it as a joke, which is why you cant joke about it so easily. not that you should lmao, but i dont claim to know what goes on in these mens heads.

this got way too long so im gonna try to wrap it up:

i think its not that jensen is less horrified by w*ncest than destiel. there would be something really wrong with him if he was. i think he can put w*ncest and all its crazy fans into a box and label it "too ridiculous to care about except when they send my wife rusty nails". i dont claim to know what exactly his problem with destiel was/is, but if i had to make a guess its that he spent a long time misinterpreting what destiel actually was and just treated it as another outlet for horny teens, which i wont defend him for. i think he really mellowed out on that front, but kept his grumpy persona for a while (hes clearly not uncomfortable with ppl thinking thoughts about him and misha in situations or else he wouldnt act like THAT at cons tho, so idk). His positive and enthusiastic comments surrounding the confession and his open-ness about dean reciprocating (which is still a cop out, ngl. idc if he said he didnt want it to be one) ESPECIALLY compared to his glacial silence surrounding the finale show me that he is not at all disgusted or horrified by destiel.

tl;dr this man is an enigma to me and there are a couple of things i hold against him, but i truly dont think he is horrified by destiel.

[mittensmorgul]

Unpopular opinion: Portraying Sam and Dean as worthless, incompetent hunters who learned nothing from their father's training or a lifetime of hunting bc it was all God is disrespecful as hell. Sam and Dean are--well, were, I guess--heroes who stood up to monsters, angels and demons as ordinary people. Tonight destroyed all of that.

I mean, I’d agree with you, if I thought that was actually what the show had done. Sam and Dean currently BELIEVE that, and are making choices based on that assumption, but is it actually true?

I can’t believe it is. I think they’ve made an incorrect assumption, and are going to “pay a price” for having made a bad choice based on that belief...

Because we’ve been shown that’s how Chuck arranges things. That’s how he “tells his stories.”

When in the previous episode, Chuck’s final words to Sam were the statement that Sam had “lost hope,” and the pronouncement that Sam and Dean weren’t the heroes of the story; and when Dean stood up to him and said he and Sam would never “perform” the story Chuck wanted to see them act out (like “all the other Sams and Deans” eventually did in all his other universes), it was like they’d thrown down a gauntlet for him. Dean PUNCHED CHUCK IN THE FACE. That was the gauntlet-slap.

To me, this episode felt like Chuck’s petty (and rather crackpot) attempt to manipulate them into believing that this is what they truly are without his Divine Cosmic Help, and honestly, THAT is what I am calling bullshit on. The show is practically BEGGING us to see that.

I mean, if Dean had had ONE cavity, I could buy it was just bad luck. If Baby had ONE bad spark plug, I could buy it was just a normal sort of problem that normal people face. But the sheer number of failures they experienced went so far beyond “normal” as to be cartoonish. No normal person has EVER had a day like that. But the fact that Sam and Dean were so willing to BELIEVE it, even after Dean had been convinced at the beginning of the episode that they were CURSED... he let Sam (and Garth, and Bess) talk him OUT of that conviction.

Dean: No. No, no, no. This is -- this is more than just a no good very bad day, okay? Chuck must have boned us before He left, you know. Or maybe some of that crap you brought back from Rowena's went sideways. Because this. This is not normal.

But by the end of the episode, Dean was beginning to believe that this was very much their “new normal.” To the point where he’s willing to drive to Alaska and pay whatever price to get back their “lost luck.” And honestly, THAT WAS THE POINT. It’s shaken DEAN’S WILL, his BELIEF IN HIMSELF. Which is pretty much the ONLY weapon he had against Chuck in the first place.

Honestly, to me, the thing that convinced me that they were actively being hindered (i.e. that Chuck was actively working to PREVENT them from succeeding at anything on their own) was the fact that not even their reputation as The Winchesters was worth anything to the monster fighty dude. Not even the vast over-preparedness they went into that warehouse with was enough to give them ANY sort of advantage.

They weren’t “normal,” they were DOOMED TO FAIL, because Chuck was proving a point. A point they willingly bought into, despite the overwhelming evidence that they were being specifically held back from succeeding, at anything.

They’re still struggling to understand exactly how Chuck is capable of interfering with their lives. And while I appreciate Dean admitting that their choices have been their own, and not everything about their lives was down to Chuck, the fact that he let himself be talked out of the conviction that Chuck “boned” them before leaving (lol as if Chuck would leave NOW, when things just began to get interesting for him again, just when he’s untethered himself from Sam and can finally “see” the Winchesters again) means he’s still subject to Chuck’s terrible plot...

So I agree with you. If that had been the point of the episode, it would’ve been a bunch of bullshit. If the episode hadn’t included all the references to all the “we are literally actually cursed” episodes, and all the “we are directly being manipulated by cosmic forces” episodes... I mean...

literally actually cursed:

3.03 Bad Day At Black Rock: The rabbits foot gave them ACTUAL GOOD LUCK. Their good luck was so entirely OTT that Dean joked he was Batman. They easily identified it as ridiculous levels of good luck. Until they lost the foot (because EVERYONE loses the foot, it’s part of the CURSE). Their luck didn’t go back to normal, it went cosmically, horribly BAD. So bad, Bobby told them, “you’re dead within a week.” Because that was how the curse worked. Their entire lives haven’t been “lucky.” And Dean would normally be the first person to admit that. His first instinct in this episode was to wonder if he’d been subjected to a similar curse because of how comically bad his luck had turned.

5.08 Changing Channels: the first clue was all the “Seriously? SERIOUSLY?” stuff at the beginning. I was half expecting Sam to get slapped in the face and called a “brilliant coward.” But we even got a NUTCRACKER! callback, only this time it was Dean that took the shot to the crotch... Not just the comic gags of the episode, though, but the Bigger Plot of how and why they were being put through all those tv shows, being forced to LEARN A LESSON, of Gabriel messing with them and pushing them into PLAYING THEIR ROLES, and ACCEPTING THEIR DESTINY.  Please tell me that’s not EXACTLY the lesson Chuck would want them to learn after 15.09.

3.11 Mystery Spot: or that one where NOTHING Sam did, no matter how many chances he was given to replay that day, could’ve saved Dean. Sam was nerfed. Effectively rendered powerless against the story, and in the “dark half” of the episode was driven on a misguided revenge quest against the Trickster. Sam couldn’t even begin to see the bigger picture, and believed that just because he’d broken free of the “time loop” that he was actually engaging with reality, that Dean was actually perma-dead, and had isolated himself from all his friends and gone off the rails in his single-minded trek to hunt down the monster that had done this to him... all the while he was focused on the wrong thing and was still trapped in the “make-believe scenario” Gabriel had established for him. Because, golly, that sounds like the exact spot they’re in RIGHT NOW, having been convinced that their run of bad luck is the direct result of Chuck NOT interfering in their lives, casting them as the “heroes” of his story. And I don’t believe that’s what has happened, at all. I believe Chuck is more focused on them, directly, than he ever has been before.

Heck, I wrote this post before the episode aired, and I stand by it 100%:

https://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/post/190429024710/episodes-i-expect-1510-to-remind-me-of-based-on

Because Sam and Dean haven’t had “hero status” stripped from them. Chuck is WAY too petty to just “give up the story” and render his main characters inept all of a sudden. Sam and Dean are still “his guys.” They’re still the main characters of an obsessive writer who’s directly fighting against their will. This is like... the inverse of 4.18, where Chuck “wrote himself into the story.” This is his reaction to his characters declared intent to “write themselves OUT of his story,” to DEFY his story. This is Chuck’s idea of petty revenge for using their free will against him.

In that context, the context of the larger arc of s15, this is like... textbook illustration of how Chuck has been grinding down their will, pushing them to make Terrible Choices against their own better judgment, because that’s where he wanted the story to go. I think we need to keep that in mind, that the story ITSELF is the big bad, and Chuck’s just had all his powers restored to him. Assuming he wouldn’t immediately put those powers to their full use at his first available opportunity is just... daffy.

Dabb has been writing Looney Tunes since 8.08. I’ve been writing Looney Tunes meta since at least as far back as s11:

https://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/post/144577425855/chuck-amuck

I will point to the WB cartoon that I believe Dabb has been framing Chuck’s character around all along: Duck Amuck (I’ve embedded other versions on tumblr before, but they always get taken down because copyright... so have a link to where you can watch it... I swear it’s worth the time: https://dai.ly/x5yczh1

And this is what Chuck is trying to convince Sam and Dean is their current situation:

when what they need to recognize, and what Chuck DESPERATELY needs them to keep them from realizing, as long as he can continue pushing them to “we had no other choice” scenarios and distract them from just rejecting his story entirely, is this:

[gwasgy]

Okay. So. Here’s an elaborate multiple days of brainstorming ideas as they come PracticalMagicnatural AU nonsense. Thank you.

- Bobby and Rufus would be the Aunts and they'd be bffs not siblings and would have Vibes but it would be... hm. This is not a Bufus story is what I'm saying.

- the Curse would be on the men and for the women they love of course (classic fridging :/)

- this works for Bobby, (Rufus,) John, and Sam. (Supernatural is bad)

- so this is where it's kind of. Hm. Bc Sally and Gillian are not one to one for either boy. Where Sally and Gillian BOTH have identities separating family and magic (family business), these ideas are inseparable for the brothers.

- alsooo dean and sam to BE dean and sam they would've had to be "raised" by john until they were at least near-grown, even if they had a home base at Bobby's house.

- John still kills himself with grief MAYBE but it's like /later/ and more through self destruction and revenge and alcoholism, leaving the boys to live their later teenage/early twenties in the Bufus household

- Azazel is the one killing all the Wives in this curse. And if they use The Resurrection Spell to bring them back, he is possessing them

- hmmmmmmmmm they need to still be hunters I think buuut what if. They also did witchcraft.

- Dean would cast the love summoning spell, making it so that he uses angel descriptors unwittingly or on purpose because he doesnt think angels are real and therefore cannot exist for him to fall in love with and kill (bc the curse)

- it would be fun and very cringe fail embarrassing for Dean if sometimes he thought about His Angel and accidentally occasionally prayed to Cas

- Anna could show up and be Dean's red herring

- Dean could be in an About to Die situation and think, as a joke or whatever, "fuck. I never even got to meet that hot angel chick that's in love with me," and Cas shows up (with wings bc hot), saves him, *handprints*, then leaves

- OR. There's a blinding light and screeching noise and Dean blacks out and wakes up with a handprint safe and sound

- Cas and The Guy From Practical Magic That's A Cop both bend the rules of their superiors for their person easily and pliantly. except for the initial pushback. Hm.

----

- it's weird bc in practical magic there's this whole vibe of I'm Done With Magic And You're Dragging Me Back Into This And Ruining My Life but sammy had gone away and rejected The Life THEN found the woman he loves and THEN tried to resurrect her mayyybeeeee wait wait wait it wouldn’t be Jess bc she isn’t evilll...

- DEAN would be the one with a bad boyfriend that they accidentally kill and have to resurrect... hmmmmm

- maybe it's like a Boy Best Friend of dean's like maybe he is on a hunt with Benny and he accidentally chops his damn head off and tries to resurrect him to cover it up

- and that fucks up something in the afterlife and Cas is sent to Fix The Problem of whatever the fuck happened to this guy's soul when they did this

----

- it's wonderful to think of the PTA mom shenanigans Dean and Sam could get into but I don't think that Dean would have any sort of kid in this besides maybe jack?

- I mean, it could be that Ben is still around and he was with Lisa but never Loved Her on principal, and left in time so the curse didn't fuck her up, but they're still friends and he will still pick Ben up from school sometimes

- I don't see how the phone tree could work into it but I don't think that it's necessary bc sam and dean and cas's version of this story does not and can not revolve around them being outsiders in their own community but overcoming it and accepting who you are and integrating into the community through girl power and witch magic

- BUT. the potential of sammy being possessed is yeah. It’s extremely. Yeah.

- They could have a nice bonding moment of I'm never gonna leave you you can do this like from Swan Song. Like Sally joining Gilly in the broom circle to help her while she’s being exorcised

- their brotherly bond is NOTHING like Sally and Gillian's, though. Like YES. they would no doubt help bury the body, but they aren't giggling about their love life under the covers together. They simply are not that type of girl

- also I guess there wouldn't be the tension of You're Ruining My Life That I've Constructed Just By Being Here between them.

- WELL.

- Dean WOULD say something shitty about cleaning up Sam's messes though. He is just that type of guy

----

- Dean can definitely be the one chopping and hacking at the rose bush and cas would DEFINITELY get distracted and heal him in the middle of his conversation with him

- Dean oh dean he and his close Boy Best Friends could totally fuck with the curse. Like-

- Dean: Oh my good friend Benny he’s the first person ive really allowed myself to get attatched to in a while but that’s fine! he can't die because i don't love or like him like that because he's a guy! Haha, I'm not gay! We are just guys being dudes just two bros hanging out :)

Benny: *dies anyway*

Dean: FUCK

- Sammy would totally make that new age witchy herbal shop that Sally had! that would be so fun. Also ft. periphery what the fuck is up with those people type locals

- maybe Rowena shows up still and Crowley is also there hmmmmm and Rowena teaches Sam magic stuff and it gets him to make the supernatural a part of his life again without having to do any hunting hmmmmmmm or it's just another tool in his arsenal and he just always deserves to have magic powers

- the supernatural ladies could work in the shop :) like Meg and Rowena and Ruby anndddd Alya :) Ava? The psychic hunger games MVP girl

- or all the kids work at that shop!! I miss those dang kids. Max, the twins, death lesbian, Jake, electric guy, and all them :)

- Rowena is like a witchy shop owner up in town that buys Sam's wares to sell in the city #CareerWoman #GirlBoss

- Jody and Donna can also hang out I guess. Since we're at Bobby's place

----

- Dean casts the love summoning spell after either Regular Heartbreak with Cassie, his first love, when he was 15 or whatever, OR after the behated Boy Best Friend death. Hmmmmmm

- it makes more sense for the story for dean to have someone die on him and apply to the curse. But I don't wanna kill Benny ):

- well I don't think he was ever In Love with Crowley or Benny like he was with Cassie (or even Lisa)

- when he was 15 or 14 and John was still around but had left him at the Bufus household he got hold of that love summoning spell and made sure it was impossible so he would never experience heartache again. He does so while crying teenagishly and 11 year old sam is like. Why the fuck are you summoning this weird monster girl to fall in love with you

- and Dean is like no no this kind of monster doesn't exist. Anyway they'd have glowing blue eyes and they're as big as a building and and they hear me whenever I call no matter far away

- Sam: that...... sounds like an angel, dean.

Dean, having already done the spell: WHAT. NO. NO IT'S NOT IT IS SO NOT LIKE AN ANGEL. ANGELS AREN'T REAL

- Cas in Heaven, a bunch of flower petals swirling around him: what the fuck is that. That's weird

- Cas like 13 years later when he sees a cajun zombie vampire demon: okay I'm already getting weird prayers from some guy down there I'm just gonna check that out

- by the time Cas gets down there they've killed it again and buried it and hmm

- It's weird because it's the opposite of Practical Magic here bc Cas is the one that needs to be believed about something supernatural BY dean

----

- what if they accidentally kill JOHN instead of a hot bf. Dean kills John bc John tries to kill Sam, and they panickedly try to resurrect him immediately

- yeah yeah yeah yeah and John, possessed by Azazel, gets killed again while still being possessed and is buried underground. There can still be a rose bush and frogs and whatnot

- I doon't know why Bobby and Rufus would just leave the brothers in their house if John was alive until then?

- Alright John's been missing for like 5 years and the boys have just been living there and assumed he's dead. Then he comes for Sammy bc Sam is Turning Evil or whatever and John's a huge loser about it

- so Bufus is like "you guys are acting insane and you aren't telling us what's wrong so we’re just going to leave and you're going to sort it out yourself." Like the aunts

- then, when cas shows up to track down the weird resurrected demon-possessed serial killer abomination Dean and Cas are EMBARRASSING like completely totally absolutely embarrassing cringe fail love where they can't talk normal with eachother and Cas keeps getting too close and staring but Dean forgets to tell him to back off or anything and he just stammers uselessly through thin dumb lies

- there aren't any children there to comically thwart Sam's plans to get rid of Castiel as he is investigating Dean and Sam but it could end similarly

- where Cas finds Sam making a small angel banishing symbol and is like "okay. You guys aren't to be trusted and you're doing something evil (and i don't understand what’s happening to me when i’m around Dean). I'm just straight up going to leave then" and boom he's gone

- the fight Sally and Gillian have right before Gillian gets possessed can play out pretty damn similarly with Sam and Dean, but it's a LOT different too

- like it's their DAD not some random serial killer bf. You can't choose your dingdang dad! So the part of "I cant keep cleaning up your messes" WHOSE MESSES who even says that to who whose mess could this even be

----

- Sam has a girlfriend that dies from the curse and it’s bc of being caught in the crossfire when Hunter Bullshit Happens. The Women of the Winchesters’ way. So he moves back specifically to get back into hunting and witchcraft to BREAK the curse hmmmmm.

- Much like Sally with Michael’s death. “I don't care what he comes back as. As long he comes back. Please do this for me. Please? Please? Please? Please?” :(

- I think Dean is an Of Course I’m Not Going To Fall In Love kinda character, like younger Sally before Michael. very pessimistic very self depreciating. He only confides his deepest darkest desires (to be loved simply and openly without fear of the Curse taking anyone. To be held and to take care of someone who will appreciate it) in his fakey fake pretend prayers to his imaginary angel (this turns out to be very cringe fail embarrassing when Cas shows up)

- Cas holds onto these prayers like Hallet (the cop from movie) does with Sally’s letter to Gillian, not knowing or understanding why he’s so fixated on them and why he can’t stop reading them/playing them back/listening in

- John… maybe he was pulling a Gordon and was killing all the psychic kids and was eventually going to have to kill Sam, and Cas was for some reason Put On The Case as an angel or was Allowed to Interfere or whatever bc it was fudging up God’s Plan

- and that’s how Cas justified being so fixated and taking notes on Dean’s prayers, like Hallet did with the letter. It was a good lead. It was about their father, and Sam seemed to be having psychic tendencies or whatever that could turn dangerous

----

- Okay okayokayokay so Sally and Gillian’s story is them escaping the ostracization they feel from the people in their physical regional community. The Owen’s family has always been outsiders, even before the curse came into being. They are persecuted for being witches (and sleeping around and being sexy).

- the sisters try to escape this either by just LEAVING: going to a place they can be themself without shame, or assimilating and abandoning a part of themself so that they can stay.

- the Winchester brothers are, I guess, ostracized by the hunting community because they are kept away from it and moved around a lot in the show. Okay okay okay okay okaywaitwaitwait

- Okay so the Winchesters feel alienated from both civilians and the hunting community, and they both eventually choose to do similar things to Sally and Gilly..! Sam LEAVES and assimilates, while Dean stays and just accepts his role his father gave him.

- Gilly and Sam LEAVE, while Dean and Sally STAY. Gillian and Dean embrace what makes them Different, while Sally and Sam reject it in favor of Being Normal

- The witchcraft/hunting thing especially doesn’t mesh well here though because Hunting is KILLING it’s literally murdering sentient beings. It’s war propaganda it’s desensitizing you to Even Though The Enemy Is Capable Of Good Individually They Are, As A Group, Evil And Should Be Slaughtered.

- Witchcraft in Practical Magic is just… a way of life that’s considered outside the accepted norms of society. It’s being openly queer, it’s being from a different country of origin, it’s being non-christian religious in a small town. Accepting witchcraft doesn’t have any moral good or badness, it’s just with or without the consequences of being “out” in your area. While accepting Hunting as a lifestyle is to accept putting yourself in bodily danger doing morally ambiguous/BAD things to protect people you can’t relate to or find a community in. Hmmmmmmmmmm

----

- Sam and Sally both have natural talents/instincts but don't want to use it in favor of being "normal"

-

[fogsrollingin]

SPN: Android AUs ficrecs!🤖📚

This list has less fic than my normal minimum for my ‘beloved tropes’ rec posts but bc I’m so in love with The Murderbot Diaries by Martha Wells right now, I felt like submitting it 😁🤖💛 My fic sweet spots for this trope: sam&dean-centric, human affection for sentient robot rocking the robot’s world. Please note: if you’re into Castiel, there are tons of great Cas-centric android AUs (for great reason; Cas’s character offers a sense of otherness that can easily translate to androids). My recs are sam&dean-centric tho ✧ My fic recs are updated regularly on DW and quarterly on Tumblr. Link to the possibly updated reclist on DW here ✧ My entire catalogue of fic recs on tumblr here ✧ This post was last updated 1/21/2022 ✧ For epubs of rec’d fanfic from LJ or DW, click to this post. 

✧Category: Gen✧ Do Winchesters Dream of Electric Impalas? by kellifer_fic (LJ). Rated PG, Gen, 10k words. Summary: Dean was made to be a Big Brother. kellifer-fic.livejournal.com/234689.html my thoughts: This fic in particular was my ‘gateway’ fic into android AUs and I was completely inspired/fascinated. Dean is a Big Brother android model and it is super compelling, heartwrenching, and brolovingly sweet to boot.

✧Category: J2✧ Choices by hunters_retreat (AO3). Rated NC-17. Jensen/Jared, 25k. Summary: Jensen Ackles was a man on the run. Sure, his name was revered by the Sentient Android Rights Movement, but he was just another face in a sea of J-N_S56s. He had won his freedom in a court of law, but his previous Mistress and Master cared little for the law. Jensen had been on the run for almost ten years and he’d stayed free because he was smart and kept to himself. When Jensen met Jared, he tossed him out the door as soon as he could. Jared wasn’t pushed away so easily though. Jared came back but unfortunately, so did Jensen’s former mistress. On the run with Jared at his side, Jensen struggles with his emotions, and the fear that his programming might be taking over. Jared is far more tempting than anything Jensen has ever faced. How can he keep them both safe when he’s fighting with himself while on the run from the people who want to put him back in a gilded cage? ao3.org/works/5989495 my thoughts: I’m normally all about Jared or Sam whump but I can’t get enough of android AUs and this fic was fantastic. I loved the conceptual work hunters_retreat did here with the psychology of ‘battling’ one’s programming once Jensen achieved sentience. I also enjoyed how caring, sympathetic, supportive Jared’s character was portrayed: if he’s not the one getting whumped, at least he’s portrayed as a well-meaning, gentle soul. This fic’s also featured in my slavefic recs ✧Category: Sam/Dean✧ Do Androids Dream? by cherie_morte. NC-17, Dean/Sam, 16k. Summary:  AU: Sam has been training to be a blade runner most of his life, ever since a group of rogue replicants killed his mother in an attempt to kidnap him as a baby. Now he's one of the top officers in the L.A. Police Department's Blade Running Unit, with a reputation for being ruthless when retiring rebellious androids. Problem is: Sam's never been as comfortable killing replicants as he pretends to be; growing up with Dean as his primary caretaker and a valued member of the family has left Sam with a weak spot for androids that he knows might get him killed one day. Knowing that doesn't stop Sam from loving Dean, or from wishing his replicant was as human as he acts. Now he's on the trail of Azazel, the yellow-eyed android responsible for ruining his life, but the closer he gets to retiring Azazel and putting an end to his days as a blade runner, the more he learns that there might be no turning back for him and Dean. (Loosely based on Blade Runner) ao3.org/works/8280277 my thoughts: I saw Blade Runner back in high school so it had been awhile, and even in high school I’m not sure I really followed it that well. But after reading Kellifer’s fic I was on an android binge and found this amazing fic by cherie_morte, an author I really appreciate for their imagination (which speaks for itself when you go through their fic summaries on AO3) and absolutely competent execution of their story premises. So this one didn’t disappoint at all, and I loved that it was Sam-centric, plotty, and featured both Sam and Dean caring so much for one another. This fic’s also in my movie fusions reclist. ✧Category: Worth Mentioning✧ OK I really want to recommend my fic Soul Slip (rated PG, Gen, 7k, ao3.org/works/20617070) but it doesn’t really have a great payoff. It’s sweet, and kind of a character sketch on how Dean would be without Sam (but then getting robot!Sam 😉). It’s kind of a variation on kellifer’s premise but I take it my own way (or at least I would if I kept writing the friggin thing; it’s a bit of a WIP 🙁). A slightly similar android!Sam AU that’s also unfinished is Mind and Iron by phattrash (rated PG-13, Sam/Dean, 3k, fanfiction.net/s/10286914). If nothing else, try reading these to get inspired you can write something as good or better than!

[baronccorbin]

Always You

Ok so a lot of my stuff got deleted bc og gifs so... 

Pairing: Sam x Reader (female)    Prompt:  This is a part two for ‘Always There’ Part 1  Word count:  2672 Warnigs: Smut, oral, 18+ 

“Good morning” you hear the husky voice of your boyfriend next to you. “M’ still sleeping” you mumbled, burying your face in the pillow “Baby, it’s time to go” he laughed, kissing the back of your head “But Sammy” you whine but turned around to face him anyways “Good morning” he said again, this time against your lips “Good morning indeed” you smiled, melting into him, kissing him in the lazy loving way you did everyday for the four months of your relationship.The kiss only lasted a couple of minutes, you didn’t want to broke it, you were far too eager to start something else but Sam was right, you had work to get done. “Let’s go then” you broke the kiss, jumping out of the bed before Sam could protest and ran towards the bathroom, laughing as you heard him groan something along the lines of ‘fucking tease’

-

You got to the hotel in two hours, it was an easy case, a demon who sold her soul to save her dying husband, killing couples on the hotel she found her husband cheating on her with his secretary or some shit. You were impressed though, you were expecting a crappy motel, but you arrived to a fancy one, Dean almost cried when he found out the price of the room, if you were lucky enough you would kill the demon fast enough to not stay, it was the first hunt where he didn’t get a fake credit card so if you didn’t finish the job fast, he was going to be a pain in the ass for the next month, you had to move, and fast.

“Okay, Sammy” Dean started as we got to the main entrance “Y/N and I are going to get the room, you know, act all normal while you go and check the security cameras, tell us if you see anything, we’ll check on the bar ad restaurant to look for couples that look too happy” “Call me if you need anything” he nodded, kissing you before you got in.

You followed Dean to the front desk, acting as normal as possible, maybe if you looked too happy together the demon would come to you. You high fived yourself in your head before grabbing Dean’s hand, intertwined your fingers. It felt weird as fuck but it was work. “What are you doing?” he asked, wide-eyed “I want to finish this fast, not feeling like sharing a room. Just follow my lead” you whispered “Hi” the receptionist smiled at you “Hello” you smiled back “We’ll like to get a room, the 'second honeymoon’ suite” you read on the little list they had “Oh, of course. How long have you been married?” she asked, looking at the computer screen “Three years” Dean answered for you, letting you hand go and wrapping his arm around you waist “it was time you know, to make a vacation. With the kids and all, need to keep the flame” he smirked at you and it took all you self control not to punch him. “How sweet” she cooed, you wanted to roll your eyes, but you didn’t “here is your key, enjoy your vacation” she winked “Will do” you smiled as you walked to the elevator

“Kids? keep the flame?” you snorted when the doors closed “You said that we needed to make it real” he raised his hands in defense “Nothing say LIE more than too much details” you shook your head “She totally bought it” he smiled, the got serious “We better finish this fast, I ain’t sleeping on the couch” he warned “I mean, you can sleep with me and Sam, not problem” you shrugged, stepping out and walking towards the room It was nice to have Dean back, he didn’t take it too well when you and Sam started dating, he had feelings for you and apparently his were more than a crush, but he cope with it. After a couple of months he started joking with you and smiling, finally realizing how happy Sam was with you and vice versa.

-

“What now?” you asked as you got to the small restaurant/bar, you were wearing a nice dress, and Dean had a nice button-up shirt with jeans, you looked good but not too elegant, just like a couple on vacation. “We look around, talk to some other couples, look in love” he shrugged “make the bitch come to us” “Okay” you grabbed his hand and walked towards the first couple, they looked like a happy couple, but then again Dean and you looked like one, and were far away from that. It took you two hours, eight couples and four different stories about your fake children to find the demon, she was possessing one of the waitresses, she looked all perky and happy one second but at the other she glared at you with envy and hate on her eyes. “If we leave now” you whispered in Dean’s ear “she’s going to follow us. Bitch has been looking at us for twenty minutes”

“Let’s go”

-

“I mean if you think about it, her story’s kind of sad.” you said as you and Dean made your way back to the suite, the demon turned out to be really inexperienced, the only reason she was alive was because no one tried to hunt her before you “She sold her soul for the man she loved, just to be stabbed on the back by him” you shook your head “What a douchebag” “He didn’t know she did it” Dean arched his brow “but okay, it was a shitty move, doesn’t mean that every couple that stays in this hotel have to die because of that” “I guess you’re right” you smiled as you opened the door of your suite “I’m always right” “Yeah, sure” you snorted, making him laugh

His laugh died when you got to the little kitchen the suite had, you furrowed your brows, not sure of what was he looking at, until you looked up. There was Sam by the fridge, water bottle on his right hand about to explode by the force of his grip, his jaw was clenched, his eyes looked hard and to be honest, he never looked hotter. “Well, I need a drink” Dean exclaimed, grabbing the jacket he took off a minute before and leaving you and Sam alone. That bastard. “Hey Sammy” you smiled tightly at him, not sure of what had gotten into him.

“Hey Sammy!, that’s all you are going to say?” he barked, making you gulp “W-what’s wrong?” you asked, frozen in your spot “Oh, I don’t know” he smiled, sarcastically “maybe the fact that my girlfriend is still in love with my brother!” he exclaimed, dropping the water bottle on the table, hard. “WHAT?!” you almost yelled, not understanding his jealousy “I saw everything, how you hold hands how you smiled at each other, how you kept whispering things in his ear” he got closer to you, you wanted to move but couldn’t, you were mesmerized by Sam, the angry look on his face made you wet and how his chest moved heavily made you think about all the times you had seen him like that, generally it was after sex “aren’t you going to defend yourself?” he asked, bringing you back to reality “It was an act, Sam!” you managed to say “We acted like a couple so the demon could see us” you finally moved, getting closer to him and placing a hand on his chest “I don’t want him, Sam” you looked at him so he could see the sincerity on your eyes.

“Good” he grunted, grabbing you and sitting you on the sink so fast that you couldn’t react “because you are mine” he stated before smacking his lips with yours. The kiss was hungry and desperate, so aggressive that you knew your lips were going to be bruised after, but you didn’t care, you loved when Sam was rough, it didn’t happen often enough. His lips left your mouth making you whine, but it ended up as a moan when he attached them to you neck, sucking the skin of your pulse harshly, leaving a mark. “Fuck” you moaned, tiling your head so he could have better access, your hands moved to his hair, tugging it hard, just how you knew he liked it.   “This mark will show you, it will show everybody that you are mine” he grunted, his hands going under your dress, he took your panties down and threw them to the floor, rapidly cupping your core with his hand “This little pussy is mine” he smirked, thrusting his middle finger inside of you.

“Shit” you moaned, moving against his hand “You like this, baby?” he asked, adding another finger and speeding up “Tell. Me” he grunted, giving you two hard thrusts “I love it” you moaned “I fucking love when you finger me this hard” you couldn’t help but scream the last part when his thumb started rubbing your clit.

“Fuck, baby” he moaned, pecking your lips “you look so hot like this” he took his fingers out of you and sucked them looking directly at you, making you moan. “Can’t wait, Y/N” he said as he finished cleaning them. His hands went to the waist band of his jeans and his expert fingers unbuttoned them easily, you couldn’t help but touch yourself as you saw him taking his pants of, your middle finger rubbed your clit harshly, making you moan. Sam looked up at the sound of your moan and groaned at the sight of your hand playing with your pussy, you stopped when you saw him without his boxers but he took your hand and moved it back to you pussy. “Touch yourself” he ordered, grabbing his cock and pumping it slowly, his eyes never leaving your core “Fuck” you breathed out, opening your legs wider for him as you started rubbing your clit again “Finger, fuck yourself with one finger” he moaned, pumping himself faster. You obeyed, thrusting one of your small fingers inside of your dripping pussy, moaning at the pleasure you gave yourself and at the sight of your boyfriend touching himself in front of you, you added another finger, curling them so you could get more pleasure. “Enough” he growled, taking your hand from between your legs, making you whine as your orgasm fade away “You are going to cum when I’m inside of you” “Please” you whimpered, feeling more needing that ever “Since you asked nicely” he grabbed hem of your dress and ripped it off your body, then grabbing the back of your legs and opening them wider “Sam” was the last thing you said before he thrusted his whole cock inside of you, pounding into you fast and hard not giving you any time to adjust to his size, but you didn’t care, the painful pleasure he was giving you was taking you closer to the edge.

“Fuck, Y/N” he grunted, nipping your bottom lip “So fucking tight” he mumbled before kissing you again “So big” you moaned, wrapping your legs around his waist and lifting your own a little, that made him go deeper inside of you, his cock hitting that sweet spot inside of you “I’m g-gonna cum” you moaned, moving your hand down on you, rubbing your clit at the same pace of Sam’s thrusts   “Cum for me” he ordered, reconnecting your lips to muffle you loud scream, your legs trembling around him as you came hard, biting his bottom lip hard as the amazing pleasure washed over your body.

Sam pulled out of you, his cock glistening for your juices, still hard due his lack of release “I’m not done” he answered your silent question, he picked you up and walked towards the bed with you in his arms You got to the edge of the bed and he settled you down on you feet, kissing you softly before turning you around, you got the hint and got on your hands and knees, wiggling your ass a little for him. Sam chuckled and spanked your right cheek, making you moan loudly. “I’m going to take you like this,” he stated, massaging the red cheek “hard. And you are going to cum again, screaming my name so everyone here knows you belong to me” he spanked the other cheek “Got it?” “Yes” you moaned

He kneeled on the bed behind you, grabbing his cock and rubbing it against your folds. Gripping your hip with the other hand he pulled you, making you take all of his cock again, your wetness making it easy for him to thrust all the way inside of you. “Fuck” you moaned, arching your back Sam gripped your hips harder, his hips snapping against you as his hands pulled you towards him. The hard thrusts were making you moan louder by the second and his moans added more pleasure, you love hearing him, the loud grunts and groans of your name as he thrusted faster were driving you insane.

Sam’s hands left your hips and trailed to your breasts, massaging them a little before lifting you, your back touching his toned front. The new position made his cock hit all the right places making you scream his name.

One of his hands went to your throat, gripping it not hard enough to choke you, while the other went down on you, his fingers rubbing your clit, hard and fast. “Mine” he growled against the skin of your neck before nipping it “You are mine, Y/N” you mewled a 'yes’ as you started thrusting your hips down, meeting him half way “Fuck, you are so sexy… fucking yourself on my cock” you moaned at his words “Roll your hips ba-Fuck!” he growled as you did it. Your hands went to his hair, tugging it as he went faster “I can hear how…. fuck!…. how fucking wet you are” it was true, you could hear the obscene sounds your wetness created “I can feel you… your juices dripping… -Ah so good!-… down my legs” “Fuck Sam!” you moaned, resting your head on his shoulder “I’m gonna c-cum” you could feel your second orgasm approaching “Cum for me” he kissed your shoulder, the hand on your throat gripping a little harder “Wanna feel that little pussy…. cumming around my cock” he was out of breath, closer to his own orgasm than you thought “SAM!” you yelled when your climax hit you, your legs shaking and your walls clenching, sending him over the edge.   “Fuck” Sam yelled as he felt you, your wall sucking him in better than the best mouth ever could “mine, mine” his cock twitched before exploding inside of you, his seed filling your little pussy completely.

You fell on the bed, Sam fell next to you, he pulled you closer to his body, his fingers running through your hair, your hand cupping his face, rubbing his cheek with your thumb. You didn’t talk, you couldn’t, you were too out of breath to do so, so you just stayed like that, in each others arms, enjoying the moment, your heavy breaths were the only sound in the room.

“I’m sorry” he whispered after a few minutes of silence “I’m sorry for acting so jealous, but when I saw you with Dean… God! it hurt so much, I thought that maybe you had changed your mind and-” “I love you” you cut him off “What?” he asked, cupping your face with his two hands “I love you,” you smiled at his shocked face “so much, Sammy” you added before grabbing the back of his neck and kissing him softly “I love you, Y/N” he breathed into the kiss “so happy to call you mine” “I’m yours” you broke the kiss “It had always being you, It will always be you” you reassured him “Always me?” “Always you”

[sortasirius]

A Life Worth Living

Pairing: Dean/Cas Dean/pretty much anyone he’s had a relationship with in the show and original characters bc I have a problem

AN: Looks like I’m down the rabbit hole with Dean coming out lol.  This is angsty......very angsty.

Warnings: Abuse, Alcoholism, John Winchester being a horrible parent, Violence

Words: A very gratuitous 3643

As always, up on my AO3 here.

Dean’s first crush was Eleanor Andrews when he was four years old.  She was blond and had pink ribbons at the end of her pigtails.  She and Dean pretended to get married in the playground in Lawrence, Kansas and promised to be together forever.  The last time he saw her was the day that Mary died, and he had given her a worm he found in the grass.  She said she’d keep it forever.

When Mary died, John made Dean become a man overnight.  He was four years old and told how to hold a shotgun that was taller than him.  They spent the next few years on the road, or at Bobby’s, or at Pastor Jim’s.  Dean saw less of his father than he’d like to admit, but took care of Sam, because that’s what John told him to do.  “Watch out for Sammy” was the constant mantra he was never, not for one second, allowed to forget.

When Dean was eight and Sam was four, John started taking him on the road with him.  Different hotels, cities, towns, highways every week.  At first it was cool, Dean liked watching the winding asphalt roads, twisting up towards mountains or around lakes, sometimes windy, sometimes still, sometimes hot, and sometimes snowy.  Hotels always had TV and a bed all to himself.  He would take Sam to preschool and walk over to school himself, where everyone always thought he was cool because he was always the new kid.  He would leave school, pick up Sam, walk back to whatever hotel they were staying in that week, make Sam dinner, tuck him in, and then keep watch for anything that might come in.  It was kinda lonely sometimes, especially since they moved around so much, but that was okay, as long as he could take care of Sam.

When Dean was ten, he met Sarah Deleon when John had them stay in Lafayette, Indiana for two months while he hunted some ghouls.  She had brown hair and bright green eyes and wasn’t interested in talking to him, which made Dean want to talk to her even more.  He met her when he was trying to drag Sam out of the library after school.  He recognized her from his class and had swaggered over to her the way he had seen the cowboys do in his favorite Western movies.  She had barely looked up from her book until Sam asked what she was reading.  Turns out it was a book about a cowdog named Hank, and Dean ended up stealing it from the library and reading it every night.  He really wanted to live on a ranch sometimes.

She, Dean, and Sam were pretty much inseparable for the next few weeks, staying at the library right up until closing, until Mrs. May told them all to go home before it got too dark.  Dean liked the way Sarah laughed at him and told him to read more, and he really liked the way she listened to Sam.  When John came back and told them to get in the car one early morning, Dean felt an ache in his chest that he didn’t get to say goodbye.

As the years wore on, the novelty of travel wore off.  Hotels weren’t interesting anymore, just more of the same.  The food was almost always bad, and the cool factor of being the new kid transformed into being the weird kid by the time Dean hit middle school.  Dean was Sam’s constant protector, and even though he would do anything for his brother, even give him the last of the Lucky Charms, sometimes he just wanted to be able to get a soda without worrying about what John would say if he did.  But, of course, the one time he did that, a shtriga almost killed Sam, and John, bursting in at the exact right moment, did what Dean couldn’t do, and never looked at Dean the same way again.

Dean’s first kiss was a girl named Bria Zuniga, and she kissed Dean behind the school in Pinedale, Wyoming when he was thirteen.  She had black hair and bright blue eyes, and Dean remembered how nervous he had been when she had leaned in, he thought he was gonna be bad at it.  John had dragged them out of there two days later, and Dean had given Bria another kiss before they left.  John had clapped him on the shoulder.

Things got complicated when he turned fourteen.  Dean and Sam, who was growing like a total weed and was going to be taller than Dean, damn him, were left in Riverside, Iowa, James T. Kirk’s future birthplace, which was totally awesome, while John hunted a demon in the area.  That was where Dean met Jim Barnes, and it was like he could see through Dean’s cool guy loner persona.  He had light brown hair and dark brown eyes and they bonded over Star Trek and Batman, and Jim even showed Dean his comic collection, which was pretty cool.  He introduced Dean to Kurt Vonnegut and gave him the copy of Cat’s Cradle Dean still has to this day.  Dean introduced him to Led Zeppelin, and when Sam was studying at the hotel and insisted that he could take care of himself for a couple of hours, they went out to the movies and saw Jurassic Park.  That night, they walked back towards Jim’s house, talking about which dinosaur they would keep as a pet, when Dean kissed him.  It was simple and short and kinda sweet, and afterward Jim put his hand in Dean’s and Dean walked him to the door.  Four days later, right after school, John was waiting for them, the Impala running and the kind of look on his face that told Dean not to push any buttons if he didn’t want a black eye, but he was always a risk-taker, so he ran back inside and gave Jim one last kiss in the dirty school bathroom before watching Jim Kirk’s future birthplace fade away like fogged breath on the window of the Impala.

Dean was sixteen when John had told the cops that he could rot in prison.  He had given the cop a black eye and they had shipped him off to Sonny’s and even though it hurt to be away from Sam, for the first time in his life, Dean had friends, he did well in school, he made the wrestling team, and he met Robin.  She had dark hair and dark eyes with a kind smile. Sonny never made him feel like he was less than, and for the first time, he didn’t have to think about what was out there in the dark.  He still missed Sam, but not having John around was like being able to see blue sky after years and years of overcast. He told Robin his dreams, talked about his love of cars, how much he liked to sing.  She listened, and he listened to her dreams, let her take all the photos of him she wanted, and sort of, kind of, fell in love with her.  She kissed him on Sonny’s couch with a guitar between them, and he made promises to her that he really wished he could keep.  And when John came back on the night of his first school dance, his dance with Robin, he really wished he could be someone other than Dean Winchester.  Sonny gave him a choice, gave him a chance at normal, at Robin, at a family that didn’t drink too much and bruise your wrists when you didn’t do the dishes.  But when he looked out the window and saw Sam with his stupid toy plane, he knew.  Dean couldn’t, wouldn’t leave Sam.

After Robin, Dean didn’t really pay attention to anyone but Sam.  He met girls, flirted with girls, kissed girls, hooked up with girls, and then left girls as easy as drawing breath.  And hell, when you move around every other week it was easy.  Arrogance and disdain for school bought him cool guy cred, and cool guy cred usually meant that people left him alone.  When he was seventeen, he met Amanda Heckerling at Truman High.  She was blonde with blue eyes and was whip smart.  She kissed him and it tasted like candy.  He liked her a lot, but he didn’t want to feel that vulnerability he felt with Robin, and when she called him out for being afraid, he did what he did best. He ran away.

Dean got his GED at nineteen and watched Sam go from little brother to actual man.  He studied hard and Dean was fiercely proud of him for it.  And then, one night, when Dean was twenty, he came back from a bar in Flagstaff, Arizona where they were staying, and Sam was gone. Panic settled in his throat like someone was choking him.  He spent a week without sleeping, looking everywhere for Sam.  He checked every hotel, snuck his way to every security room with cameras he could, asking anyone who would pay him the time of day if they had seen him, but no one had.  And then, nine days after Sam had disappeared, John came back, and if Dean had wished he was dead before, it was nothing to what John made him feel.  He was pretty sure his jaw was fractured and he knew he had some cracked ribs, but that was nothing to him, all that mattered was finding Sam, getting Sam home.  John found him in some shitty little apartment on the outskirts of town with pizza boxes and a dog and a stolen car outside.  Dean had gripped him tightly and ignored Sam’s questions about the state of his face.  He tripped, he said, coming out of a bar.  Sam told him he drank too much.  Dean looked at John’s bruised knuckles and quietly thought he didn’t drink enough.

Dean met Andrew Hawkins on his twenty-first birthday in Roundup, Montana.  Sam was studying for the ACT, whatever that is, and John was out on an extended rugaru hunt or drinking binge.  Andrew had hazel eyes and dark brown hair and they made conversation over a friendly game of pool.  A friendly conversation turned into too many shots, and then they stumbled into the alley behind the bar, away from the prying pink neon lights, and Dean let himself touch and be touched, knowing that it meant nothing, but meaning everything in the moment.  Andrew took control in a way that Dean had never known, and when he came back to the hotel with too many hickies on his neck, Sam laughed and said he hoped she didn’t look half as bad as Dean did.  Dean laughed to hide the shame that rose like vomit in his throat.

Sam left for Stanford when Dean was twenty-two.  When he told John, during the middle of an argument, because Sam always had impeccable timing, Dean felt like the world was falling out from under him.  Who the hell was he if he didn’t have Sam?  He couldn’t even remember being his own person anymore. John had tried everything, screaming, slamming things into walls, breaking glass, getting in Sam’s space, but Sam wasn’t afraid of him anymore, and John had never hit Sam, not that Dean would ever have let him.  Sam left that night, taking only what he could carry in a bag and looking back at Dean with what Dean thought might be an apology in his face.  John had yelled after him that if he was going to go he should stay gone, and that was that.  The frail wooden door slammed behind him, and Dean’s little brother was out on his own.  Even years later, Dean didn’t tell Sam about the rest of that night, but he was lucky to survive it.  He kept John at arm’s length after that, after his right arm had healed, anyway.

Dean tried to be a nomad, not get attached to anyone for anything except for the Impala.  He and John made tracks across the country, so many miles on the odometer he almost expected it to break.  John routinely dragged them to the west coast just to see what Sam was up to, and that was when he started to let Dean off on his own.  The grooves in the highway were his best friends, and he went places John would never go.  The deep South, the Canadian border, bigger cities, all the places he had wanted to be when he was younger.  He fought ghouls and ghosts and demons and vamps.  He repaired junker cars when he stopped by Bobby’s every so often.  He checked in with John every other day and they sometimes met up for a hunt.  He met people, fucked them, and then left.  Had the bendiest weekend of his life with Lisa Braeden.  It wasn’t really freedom, but it was about as close as he could hope for.

Dean met Cassie in Mississippi when he was twenty-four.  She had dark hair and dark eyes. She was smarter than him, prettier than him, and even though he had a pact with himself to never get attached, she made herself comfortable in his heart.  He felt himself falling, like he had taken a running leap off a cliff and there was nothing below him but endless air and sharp rocks at the bottom.  So, in the middle of the night, he did what John would have done, and he left, trying to ignore the tears that spilled from his eyes as he crossed the Alabama border.

John gave him the Impala on his twenty-fifth birthday.  She was everything he had ever wanted in a car.  His first home, with his and Sam’s initials carved in the back.  John had bruised the back of his neck with his hand and told him to take care of the car.  Dean swore he wouldn’t let him down.

It all went to hell when Dean met Connor Stevens two months later.  He was on a routine hunt with John.  Vengeful spirit, whatever.  He was doing research in the library when this dorky guy with glasses, a bow tie, red hair, and blue eyes sat down at his table.  The got to talking about what they were reading and ended up having dinner at a way too nice restaurant that Connor suggested.  It was a break from burgers and beer and the ever-looming presence of John.  Connor asked him halfway through if this was a date, and Dean blushingly said he hoped so. They ended up back at Dean’s room since John would be out most of the night.  Until, of course, he wasn’t.  Dean was used to being afraid of John, but never before had he felt terror like that. John didn’t speak to him for nearly two months, and Dean was left floundering in a lake of guilt and shame, mixed with a healthy dose of defiance, but he always came back to John, because that’s what a good son does.

When John disappeared when Dean was twenty-six, he didn’t have anyone to turn to, so he went back to Sam.  He hated that he had to take Sam away from his life, where he was clearly thriving with his very pretty girlfriend Jess and his good grades, but Dean was no soldier with no one to follow, and he swore to himself that once they found John that he would let Sam go.  But the universe never seemed to give him what he wanted, and Dean had to drag Sam away from Jess burning on the ceiling, just like their mother had.

He and Sam become hunters together, and even though he knew he could never heal the pain of losing Jess, he could at least make it so that the Impala became Sam’s home again.  Her tires sped along the winding roads all across the country, and even though it was selfish, having Sam back made Dean feel as calm as he had in years.

John died when Dean was twenty-seven.  Dean felt his heart break, but also felt like someone had taken handcuffs off him that he had been wearing for so long he didn’t even realize he was wearing them.

Dean went to hell when he was twenty-nine. The sound of the hellhounds tearing through the house towards him were terrifying, but the knowledge that he had done this for Sam made him feel a little better about getting ripped to shreds by dogs from hell.

Hell was worse than he could have ever imagined.  Torture was about the best thing that could happen to you down there.  Allistair had convinced him to pick up a knife, and even though he knew it was wrong, he knew that John would hate him for what he was doing, he took the knife from Allistair and thought, what the hell, John hated him anyway.

Dean met Castiel when he was thirty.  He had black hair and blue eyes and giant black wings.  He left a mark on Dean even before they met.  He stood too close to Dean and made him feel like he was being x-rayed every time they made eye contact, but Dean could never make himself look away.

Dean settled down with Lisa Braeden when he was thirty-one.  She had black hair and brown eyes and the kindest and most beautiful heart he had ever known.  He was very lucky to have her and Ben.  Probably a little too lucky.  He slept with a gun under his pillow every night.  You never knew what was waiting in the dark.  He had nightmares about Sam throwing himself in the pit and she would comfort him, and when Sam showed back up when he was thirty-two, she let him go hunt with him.  He made her forget him when he was thirty, and that was a wound that he knew would never really heal.

Dean went to Purgatory when he was thirty-four.  He spent a year there with Benny, vamp turned new best friend in tow, and every night, when he was trying to sleep, he would think of one thing, where, how, when to find Cas.  It was stupid, he was probably dead, Benny said pretty much every day, but until they found a pile of bones with a trenchcoat, Dean wouldn’t believe that.  They ended up finding him, and losing Cas to Purgatory just as he and Benny escaped made Dean want to jump right back into it, and he wasn’t really sure why.

He met Amara when he was thirty-seven. She was all powerful and deeply frightening, but Dean felt a pull towards her that he had never felt towards anyone or anything.  She knew this, she tried to use it against him, but something broke when she started torturing Cas, probably because they were best friends.  Because Dean needed Cas.  He needed Cas.  He needed Cas.

Dean lost Cas to an angel blade held by Lucifer when he was thirty-nine.  He begged God, Chuck, whatever to bring him back.  It was like someone punched a hole in his chest, and when they burned his body, it sort of felt like Dean was burning too.

Jack brought Cas back when Dean was thirty-nine.  It felt like he had aged forty years since he last saw him.  He didn’t tell Cas that he didn’t cope well with him being gone, but he thought Cas knew, because Cas knew everything about him.  They went back to the way things should be.  They hunted, watched movies, sang terribly in the Impala, and Dean felt like he really, truly, had a family again.  He would look at Cas when he didn’t think Cas could see, and even though he knew they were best friends and nothing more, sometimes Dean would think about just how beautiful Cas was.

Dean kissed Cas when he was forty-one. He was older, that there was less time, that Chuck was going to kill him one way or another, and Dean didn’t want Cas to be another what if, especially if he was about to spend eternity in Hell, which is probably where he would end up anyway.  He kissed him in the Impala, when he and Cas tried to escape Belphegor’s incessant talking and Sam had disappeared to read in his room in the bunker. Zeppelin played softly from the Impala’s speakers, and Dean instinctually leaned forward, like he had meant to do it all his life.  Cas’ lips were chapped and soft and Dean didn’t ever want to pull back from him.  But when he did, Cas gave him the kind of smile that made it all worth it.  The pain, the self-hatred, the hunting, the angels, devils, destiny, and God himself are all worth dealing with if it meant that this moment could exist with Cas in the Impala.

Dean told Sam the truth when he was forty-one.  He told him about John, about Flagstaff, about Stanford, and about Jim, Andrew, Robin, Cas, and all the rest.  Dean laid his heart out on the line, because if anyone deserved to know who he really was, it was Sam.  And Sam, because he was the best brother in the world, didn’t say anything, just leaned forward and hugged Dean as tightly as he had when Dean left Sonny’s.  It was one of those hugs that sort of made the world turn a little easier, and Dean knew that he was still the luckiest guy on earth to have Sam Winchester as his brother.  His family, Sam and Cas, they’re what make life worth living, and even if they had ten years of ten minutes left together, Dean was finally going to make the most of it.

[yjsangjun-blog]

                       𝖎𝖓𝖙𝖗𝖔𝖉𝖚𝖈𝖎𝖓𝖌 — 𝖇𝖆𝖊𝖐 ‘𝖘𝖆𝖒’ 𝖘𝖆𝖓𝖌𝖏𝖚𝖓.

hi hello. i’m cait, i’m 25, i go by she/her pronouns and i live in cst! i am a hot mess who loves causing her characters pain & angst…. i also love ruining their lives on a daily basis.

this is my babe sangjun who’s a lil bit messy ( much like most of my characters ) and you can find basic stats / bullet point bio / basic personality info / basic plot ideas & stuff like that for him under the cut! if you want more in depth info message me bc honestly this intro post is … oof !!! it’s also kinda long so lemme apologize for that as well !!!

but i am super excited to be here and i can’t wait to plot with ya’ll & love your babies !!!! if you’d like to plot, please feel free to IM me on here, ask for my discord or like this post & i’ll come to you !!!

tw: mentions of alcohol / alcoholism, drugs / drug abuse, bullying & violence.

                                         BASIC INFO ( PT 1. )

FACECLAIM: min yoongi + suga + rapper. CHARACTER NAME: baek 'sam' sangjun. PRONOUNS: he/him. GENDER: cismale. AGE/BIRTHDAY: twenty-six. + june eleventh. ZODIAC SIGN: gemini. ROOM: haean + 2e.

                                           OTHER INFO

POSITIVE TRAITS: determined, hard-working, charismatic & adventurous. NEGATIVE TRAITS: hedonistic, short-tempered, impulsive & blunt. OCCUPATION: bouncer at club arena / underground fighter. ( future ceo ) SONG THAT DESCRIBES THEM: i'm not sorry - dean. HOW LONG HAVE THEY LIVED AT THE YUJAEN?: six years. FOUR MUSE AESTHETICS: leather jackets, bruised knuckles, blurry evenings, late night snack runs.

                                      BASIC INFO ( PT 2. )

full name: baek sangjun. nickname(s): sam, san, jun. hometown: seoul, south korea current location: yongsa, south korea. ethnicity: korean. nationality: korean. gender: cismale. pronouns: he/him/his. orientation: pansexual. occupation: bouncer / underground fighter. language(s) spoken: korean, english, japanese, spanish, french, chinese.

                                PHYSICAL APPEARANCE.

face claim: min yoongi. ( suga ) of bts. hair color: frequently changes, currently platinum blonde. eye color: brown with a small hazel ring. height: 5'10". weight: 169. build: athletic. tattoos: he’s got a few stick-n-poke tattoos scattered across his body, though most aren’t visible when he’s wearing clothing. piercings: these, double helix in left ear & tongue.

                                             HEALTH.

physical ailments: alcoholism, allergies, drug abuse, lactose intolerance. neurological conditions: back pain / muscle spasms, carpal tunnel. allergies: shellfish, pollen, mold. sleeping habits: all over the place, usually tosses & turns for a while before falling asleep. rarely gets more than 4-5 hours of sleep a night. eating habits: horrible, relies on fast-food & take-out most of the time. loves 'comfort foods’. exercise habits: goes to the gym at least three times a week, less if he’s been in back-to-back fights. body temperature: hotnatured. addictions: alcohol, tobacco, cannabis, gambling, sex. drug use: frequent. alcohol use: frequent.

                                       PERSONALITY. ( PT 1. )

label: the cataclysmic. positive traits: determined, hard-working, charismatic & adventurous. negative traits: hedonistic, short-tempered, impulsive & blunt. fears: heights, flying, confined spaces, drowning, commitment. hobbies: arcade games, astronomy, billiards, board games, boxing, card games, comic books, cooking, motorcycles, poker, reading, video games, weight training, yoga. habits / quirks: believes in demonic possession, believes in ghosts & spirits, believes in karma, carries a 'lucky’ item with him everywhere, fights for animal rights, fights for gender equality, fights for human rights, fights for the legalization of cannabis, fights for marriage equality, meditates, always has change in his pockets, owns an outrageous amount of shoes, counts stairs, experiences episodes of depression, boxes, collects packs of playing cards, doodles on everything, gardens, loves board games, paints, plays with fire, plays poker, plays video games, randomly wanders around when bored, sings well.

                                               FAVORITES.

season: fall. color(s): army green, black, red, gray. music: all genres, doesn’t care for country. movies: action, comedy, horror, suspense. sport(s): hockey, basketball, baseball. beverage(s): whiskey, soda. food: comfort foods. animal: dogs.

                                                    FAMILY.

father: baek jaejin, sixty, ceo. mother: baek chansook, fifty-four, ceo. sibling(s): younger sibling, nineteen. children: n/a. pet(s): a siamese cat named ramen ( back at home with his parents ), a bengal cat named shiva ( back at home with his parents ) & a seven month old austrailan sheppard puppy named indy ( lives with his sibling. ) family’s financial status: upper class.

                                                   EXTRAS.

mbti: entp-a. ( the debater ) enneagram: type 8. ( the challenger ) temperament: choleric. hogwarts house: slytherin. moral alignment: chaotic neutral. primary vice: wrath. primary virtue: diligence. element: fire.

                                                BIOGRAPHY.

born in seoul, south korea.

parents were very well known ceos, both running very successful corporations.

and of course, they wanted sangjun to follow in their footsteps.

parents were pretty strict and didn’t really allow him to do well.. anything.

however, they did buy him whatever he wanted and spoiled him in that way.

and due to both of those things combined, he started to rebel at a really young age. ( i’m talking like 10 )

so he’d sneak out, graffiti people’s houses and break things and the likes.

never got caught for it, though, knowing that if he did his parents would have kicked him out and probably disowned him for his behavior.

but one of the reasons he never got caught being a rebel was the fact he was bringing straight a’s in school, was always the very top of his class and from his parent’s perspective? he was a model child.

however, he hated that, hated having to live under his parent’s shadows and be this cookie-cutter version of himself they wanted him so desperately to be.

but he played it off, juggling the 'angel’ side of him with the rebellious tendencies that continued to grow worse and worse with each passing year.

god, high school was so different, though. he’d rebel more and more every single day, pushing the limits of getting caught.

however, word got out pretty quickly about just how wealthy his family was and kids started to bully sangjun for it, causing his anger to get the better of him until he lashed out so bad it landed one of those bullies in the hospital for copious amounts of injuries.

of course, his parents were pissed. grounded him for a solid month and in that time, he learned each and every way he could sneak out of his house at night, wandering the streets of seoul at all hours.

one of those nights he happened to run into a group of people who also went to his school, but instead of them bullying him for whatever reason, they commended him on standing up for himself like he had & told him there was a way to let out the pent up aggression that ended up sending a kid to the hospital.

his curiosity was lit up that night, eager to figure out what the hell they were talking about and a few days later, he was introduced to a scene that’d become far more intoxicating that anything he’d ever experienced before.

underground fighting. no rules, no shadows he had to live under, tons of money for each win under his belt? it was the life he never knew he wanted, but the second he got a taste of it, he wanted more.

so those late night strolls turned into him sneaking out of the house only to meet up with his new group of friends, all of which were clad in full black outfits .. traveling to some random person’s basement ( or abandoned buildings of numerous kinds ) only for sangjun to be able to release every single bit of pent up aggression he carried out on some stranger who’d never remember his name.

his parents? they were just as clueless as before, though, sam continuing to excel in school as well as his fights so much so that he found the perfect balance.. learned how to hide the scrapes and bruises from his mother & father all while continuing to be the top of his class.

not to mention he was juggling all of that and his acting career all at once, trying to hide certain things from his parents and the rest of the world because he knew it’d ruin his reputation.

however, due to the amount of stress that sat upon sam’s shoulders on a daily basis, he let himself slip up on his 21st birthday, parents stumbling into his apartment only to catch him drunk & high with a bunch of strangers surrounding him.

it was a moment he’d been scared of his whole life, worried his parents would just disown him right then and there...

but in all honesty? it was the most freeing night of sam’s life.

he didn’t have to pretend to be someone he wasn’t anymore, didn’t have to pretend to be a pure and innocent little thing who never did anything wrong. didn’t have to live up to the high expectations he’d set for himself so many years ago and god, he was hooked.

his parents not disowning him and continuing to pay for everything he wanted only fueling him to continue the downward spiral, living his life to the fullest, doing whatever the hell he wanted to... whenever the hell he wanted to.

                                      PERSONALITY. ( PT 2. )

hides behind a wall of sarcasm, cockiness, anger and lust.

doesn’t really care to get to know people and had a tendency to push people away before they get too close to him. ( though it’s all a ruse. )

wears glasses to read and mess w computers, but hates them a lot and probably won’t wear them if people are around.

has two different wardrobes, one for when he’s around his parents. that consists of suits & dressy attire. and then one for when he isn’t that consists of ripped jeans, t-shirts, sweats & everything in between.

is …. stubborn as hell and refuses to ask for help with anything.

his motorcycle is literally his baby ??? like he ?? has a problem ??

fluent in a lot of languages, picked them up so that he didn’t need translators at his parents meetings and the likes.

lowkey worried that people will figure out that he’s actually v scared & stressed on the inside because that’ll cause him to start having to deal with his feelings, and he doesn’t wanna do that.

is the biggest flirt you will ever meet?? like if he’s speaking to you… its usually flirty as hell unless it has to do w business ( both his parents & his fights ) or he’s just known you for centuries ?

will try to get everyone to go to bars n parties with him because that’s his life in a nutshell ??

drinks..heavily..  like every night?? it’s a problem tbh.

nerd on the inside though like owns so many comic books, loves to play video games, read books, plays piano.. loves to sketch, paint & the likes.

he cares… god he cares so much about people and the world but he pretends to hate everything because it’s easier than letting people in.

full of horrible and cheesy pick up lines and jokes and frequently texts people said pick up lines and jokes.

owns a book that is full of nothing but blank pages and keeps it on his coffee table because he ‘relates’ to it.

is a highkey hoe but he tries to keep it on the dl ( he fails… miserably. )

super into fitness as it’s a way to keep him away from drinking every evening. ( that doesn’t work for him tho, oof.. )

also has bruised knuckles 24/7 & some other injuries he gets from his fights, plays it off like he’s just clumsy.

anger issues af. needs to get them in check.

actually super kind and caring once you’re able to see get past his wall?? which is really hard tbh but if you’re able to? he’s so loyal and caring it’s unreal.

has a bad habit of smoking whenever he’s stressed out, which is usually all of the time so he smokes…. more than he should ( though he won’t admit to being stressed out,,,,, ever in his life. )

highkey into cuddling and all the cute shit like that but would literally never tell a soul because then they’d see that he isn’t the ‘hardass’ he pretends to be on a daily basis.

is a burnt cupcake who has 'decent’ intentions but has extremely horrible execution skills.

                                                 PLOT IDEAS.

bad influence. ( on your muse. )

best friends.

childhood friend.

competition.

confidant.

cousin.

current hook up(s).

drinking buddies.

drunken hook up.

enemies that used to be friends.

enemies.

exes who ended on bad terms.

flirtationship.

frenemies.

friendly competition.

friends that used to be enemies.

friends with benefits.

good influence. ( on sangjun. )

hate sex.

one night stand(s). ( past & present. )

partner in crime.

party buddies.

past hook up(s).

ride or die.

social media friends.

trouble makers.

unlikely friends.

[ladystiltskin67]

Let it out

"Dean... I'm, I'm so sor-"

"Don't Sammy." Dean whispered

"I can help you, if you want." The young boy held in the tears as he spoke

"There won't be a body Jack... Let's, let's just go."

"Dean he may still be-" Dean ignored him walking to the car, but he didn't quite make it before his stomach betrayed him. The final showdown with Michael had been brutal. And though he may have taken him out in the end, Cas had gone out with him. The plan was to use what little of Jack's grace they could gather to coat the Archangel blade. The only problem is, they didn't know it would explode.

Closing his eyes Dean cleared his mouth of the bile one last time and went to sit in baby's passenger side. It took a little while to coax Jack away from the battle sight. Once he had, Sam helped the boy into the car and headed for home.

"Dean, it's been weeks..." Sam said with a frustrated sigh

"Yea, so?"

"You're barely eating enough to keep a bird alive. You won't hunt, you haven't even checked on baby. I'm sure she could use a wash." Hopeful that would produce results Sam gave a small smile.

"You can take care of it." Dean pushed the barely touched sandwich and chips away from him and stood. His room was looking really good right now.

"Dean please don't do this again." Sam tentatively grabbed his shoulder.

"Do what?"

"You know what. I miss Cas too-"

"Don't." Dean curled his hands into fists.

"Don't what?" Sam could see his brother's resolve breaking

"Don't say his name." it was barely a whisper but Sam heard it none the less

"He was my friend too! And not saying his name, acting like he never existed, it's disgraceful to his memory. I miss him too Dean! And so does Jack. He lost his Dad dean, his Dad. We never acted like Bobby wasn't real! And we can't even remember him because he's terrified of setting you off!"

"Say his name all you want Sam! Fuck get a tattoo of it on your chest for all I care! Just leave me out of it! Every time... He couldn't listen, he had to throw everything away again! And for what? To save my sorry ass! Now I'm stuck here without him and every damn day I wake up wishing I didn't bc my... My best friend got himself blown to hell for someone who wasn't even worth It! And it hurts Sam. It hurts so bad because, because I-"

"Because you love him." Dean's red rimmed eyes shot up to meet his.

"I, I..." He could breathe

"And you never told him." Dean gripped the back of the chair gulping in air that just wouldn't come. Suddenly his pain turned into remorseful anger

"When was I supposed to? When we were trying to stop the apocalypse? When you died? Or how about when he did. Or every damn time he ran away! Or when Lucifer just. Wouldn't. Leave. How about when you two idiots let the darkness out trying to save me? Or in front of everyone when I was about to be blown up? How well would it have worked Sam? When he ran away with Kelly? Or when he came back and all this other world nonsense went down? Even if I had, what if he'd rejected me?!" Sam stared just over his shoulder wide eyed as tears threatened to spill.

"And what if I hadn't?" Dean whipped around to see the face he'd been missing.

"Please be real..." Without stopping to think Dean grabbed his angel and pulled him into a bone crushing hug.

"Im real Dean. It's ok, I'm here." Cas held him close resting a hand on the back of Dean's head he hummed contentedly.

"But how...?" Cas pulled an envelope out of his coat pocket and handed it to Dean.

*Do not open, give to Dean.* Inside it read,

'I ship it. Love Chuck.' *ps. This is the last time, don't waste it. Carpé diem.

And cease the moment he did as he pulled the angel back to him for the best first kiss he'd ever had

@crack--attack 💚

[caspinn]

Repeating Apologies - Chapter 6

Summary: The Winchesters, the Angel and the Indigo go to Greece to search the second Indigo Child (a species created to purify humanity). One of the three Indigo’s happens to be Dean’s soulmate, the one who can save him from the Mark of Cain. But he doesn’t know which one is it and he doesn’t know how he/she should be able to save him. When Dean gets aggressive, Valo shows what his personal Indigo-powers are.

Warnings: Well, violence, again :)

Enjoy!

Tarja helped Valo pack his stuff and the next morning, way too early, the two brothers, the Indigo and the Angel drove to the airport in.

Since Sam booked the tickets only three days in advance, the four guys weren’t sitting next to each other on the plane and were split in pairs. Dean was sitting at the window-side again, next to Castiel. Sam was sitting next to Valo some seats further in the middle row.

Hours ago, when Sam and Castiel came to pick up Valo and Dean, Sam had asked Dean, while Valo was still upstairs, if he wanted to sit next to Valo to get to know him better. Because it was Dean’s soulmate they were looking for after all. Dean declined and Sam, as usual, stayed calm and understanding. Castiel guessed that Sam knew his brother good enough to know why Dean didn’t want to sit next to the Indigo.

 This time, Castiel had bought some chewing gum for Dean in advance. He knew Dean would forget to buy it himself and he remembered Sam giving some gum to Dean on the previous flight. When the plane started to take off, Castiel saw Dean flinching a bit. Upon seeing that, he took the chewing gum out of the pocket of his trenchcoat and gave it to Dean.

“Sam told me last time that this helps,” the Angel said. Dean nodded and stuffed his mouth with the chewing gum. Castiel wanted to lighten Dean's mood.“You know, we only have to fly three hours this time.”

“Praise the lord,” Dean grunted sarcastically. Castiel just choses to ignore his tone – and his blasphemy, for that matter.

Castiel knew that Dean wouldn’t talk much, so he started to push some buttons on the television screen that hung in front of him. The Angel didn’t know what to watch so he tried to think about what Charlie liked to put on. She once called her favorite movies ‘classics’, so Castiel decided to start with those.

Dean surely noticed Castiel scratching his head, trying to find something to watch. After a few minutes, he even shooed Castiel’s hand away and started searching a movie instead. A few clicks later, Castiel heard the intro music from Star Wars.

“It’s a classic,” Dean, who immediately stared trough the window again,told him.

Once the title on the screen started scrolling up, Castiel frowned. “But Dean, this says episode four? Shouldn’t I start at one?” he asked. Dean once again turned his head to look at him with a frown. “Dude, you wanted a classic. The Phantom menace is not a classic, and neither are episode two and three. They don’t even come close.” Castiel gave him a long look, and then reached back out to the screen. “I want to start from the beginning,” he said resolutely. He ignored the eye-roll coming from Dean.

“That little kid, Anakin, he's a smart and talented youngster…” the Angel said when he paused the movie. Dean shrugged.

“I’ve seen the movies, Cas,” he said distractedly. He was focused on his screen, so Castiel peered to the side to check at what Dean was watching. Apparently, he found out how to follow the course of the plane on his screen.

“Dean, I have to ask something,” Castiel started carefully. When Dean didn’t react, the Angel just went on with his question. “Are you afraid of Valo?”

Dean frowned, but he didn’t look up. For a moment, Castiel thought he wouldn’t answer. But then Dean mumbled “No.”

“Then why don’t you want to sit next to him?”

“Because I don’t trust him.” Castiel had to think about that for a second.

“So?”

Dean finally looked at Castiel. “He could be a coldblooded killer, Cas!” he grunted. Castiel looked his friend in the eyes and saw a flash of an emotion he suddenly recognized. For an outsider, it must’ve looked like the two were doing a staring competition. Dean was already used to the angel’s glancing and staring and knew it meant that he was thinking about something.

Finally, Castiel decided to be honest.

“I think you’re afraid of yourself.” Dean cocked his eyebrow and chewed on the inside of his cheek. “You're afraid that you’ll do something to him without a good reason, just to hurt him. You’re afraid that he's innocent, Dean. Oh and you’re also afraid that you're going to like him.”

Dean looked confused and apparently decided to not react and just started to stare at his screen again. And some time later, when Cas resumed watching the rest of the movie, he heard Dean quietly mumble.

“I’d be better off sitting next to Sam.”

“No, you wouldn't. He would say the same thing I did,” Castiel countered while watching how another drone got slammed by a lightsaber.

“Yeah, but I can kill him in his sleep. You, on the other hand, aren’t that easy,” Dean mumbled sarcastically. Castiel chose not to bring up the Angel Blade he knew was under Dean’s possession.

 “Athens!” Sam said happily when they walked out of the airport.

“Yeah,” Valo sighed happily.“Is there any chance we’re going to make a trip to the Parthenon?”

Castiel wouldn’t mind it, it had been ages since he had seen the Parthenon, literally. Well, it actually had been ages since he had been in Greece, and he immediately noticed many changes from what he remembered. Things looked so… concrete. Maybe it had been more ages than he had thought.

The Angel was so startled to see cars driving through Athens, that he accidentally bumped into Dean who looked at Castiel like he was expecting the Angel to say something. So, Castiel acted like he meant to get Dean’s attention to ask a question.

“So, did Sam arrange conveyance?” Dean nodded and at the same moment, Castiel heard Sam, who was walking ahead, yell at them. He had found their rental car. The older Winchester mumbled some wishes about the car not being a Polo again.

“An old Clio, really, Sam?!” In the end, Dean still complained.

After some small arguing it was decided that Sam was to drive the car since Dean was too pigheaded to get behind the wheel. They had to search for a little while, but eventually they found a motel for the one night they would stay in Athens. It was something before noon, so the guys decided to find something to eat and just wander around a bit in Athens.

Well, Castiel already knew where they would wander to. Valo and Sam would do anything to see the Parthenon. So,two hours later and a climb later, they were standing in front of the old, cultural place of interest.

Valo was unstoppable. He ran around the Parthenon like an overexcited dog. He also couldn’t stop throwing facts around like “Did you know that the Persians once destroyed this beautiful temple, I think that happened around…hm..500 BC,” and “It was once made into a church and later rebuild to a mosque after the Turks conquered the land. But the Turkish had the smart idea to stock their munition in the temple while they were fighting against the Venetians and the Venetians had the even better idea to bomb the temple. So, after that the Parthenon was half-destroyed, again! That’s why it doesn’t have a roof, you know,” and of course “There were once a lot of statues in and around the temple, but if you want to see some of them, you have to head back to England, to the British museum, because some rich Lord once took them with him to England. You see, this temple has been trough a lot, it has been treated horrible through many era’s.”

It kind of sounded like he was talking about a person instead of a building, but Castiel liked the respect Valo had for the old culture. And while Valo kept walking around, Sam and Castiel tried to follow him.

After a while, when Valo stopped rattling and was standing still, staring happily to the building, Sam noticed that Dean didn’t follow them. Sam already looked a little bit panicked, so they walked around the temple again to see if Dean was falling behind somewhere.

They found him on the right side of the temple, sitting on the stone stairs next to the building, just staring at the columns and spying on some typical tourists with flowery, bright, matching shirts on.

When he saw Sam, Castiel and Valo waiting for him, he stood up and walked towards them. Noticing that Dean was very quiet, the Angel quickly looked behind him to watch Dean’s face and read utter frustration and annoyance. The Winchester’s eyes stood dark and his eyebrows were knot together.

At the exact moment Castiel wanted to ask Dean what was going on, Dean suddenly looked confused, then surprised and then furious. He turned around. And as he did that, Castiel was able to see Dean’s problem as well.

 Dean was staring into the eyes of a man with sunglasses and a cap on his head, who was holding Dean’s wallet. A pickpocket. The thief didn’t see Dean's reflexes coming, so he looked startled for half a second. When he turned to run, Dean already grabbed him by his shoulder. He started pushing the thief toward a column as Valo yelled “Not against the Parthenon, Dean!”

Dean quickly used his feet while holding the man’s shoulder, to press him against the ground. The thief fell on his back and looked panicked.

“Look man, here’s your wallet, p-p-please don’t hurt me!” the man stuttered desperately. Dean took his wallet and put it back in his pocket. The thief looked a bit relieved, thinking Dean would let him go now, but Castiel knew better. So did Sam, who yelled at Dean…but it was too late. With a firm fist, Dean started stomping on the thief’s face, and with every hit, he made sure the next one was even harder. Blood was spatting on the groundand his eyes were watching the man he was hitting like he was some sort of prey, not a person.

“Dean!” Sam grunted. When Valo started walking towards Dean, Castiel stopped him with one hand.

“It’s not safe, he won’t spare you,” Castiel warned him, but Valo kept going forward.

“He can’t hurt me,” he answered. That sure didn’t sound soothing at all. Castiel shot a glance at Sam, whose face and body had the same expression as his: ready to help or attack, but they were both waiting to see what would happen. Valo stood behind Dean and called him, but Dean was too far gone to notice. So Valo calmly grabbed Dean’s shoulder, a move that made Castiel take a step forward. Dean was startled and stopped slamming the thief to the ground. He turned his head slowly and looked Valo right in the eyes. Valo stared back, emotionless. Valo didn’t even look surprised when Dean grabbed the Indigo’s arm and jumped up, ready to fight Valo.

It took Valo some effort to dodge Dean’s moves, he got to endure a few hits. The mark made Dean almost unbeatable.

“If you still have…some decency….in that head of yours…you would stop fighting…next to this…sacred building…” Valo puffed while dodging and ducking. But a few minutes later, Valo finally got the message: Dean needed more than just dodging and talking to stop. Every second of this fight, Castiel was ready to jump in, but somehow, he was curious to see how Valo would handle this. Sam made a hand gesture to Castiel to make clear that he was also still waiting for the right moment to jump in. Castiel was wondering how long Valo would let Dean bedevil him.

It took only a few more hits for Valo to change his approach. Castiel immediately saw a change in Valo’s behavior and posture. He suddenly looked more powerful, more certain. This sudden change in appearance made him look bigger than Dean.

When Valo quick and efficient grabbed Dean’s hair and pulled his head back to look him in the eyes, Castiel started running. The Indigo suddenly showing his powers forced the Angel to make a sprint.

Although, Castiel didn’t know who he would have to save if these two would have started fighting. His knowledge about Indigo’s wasn’t that rich, so he had no clue who would win or lose when the powers of the Mark of Cain and an Indigo Child went up against each other.

In the corner of his eyes, Castiel saw Sam running towards the fight too. And when they got closer, almost close enough to touch Dean or Valo, they were thrown back with a shock. Landing on his back, Castiel realized that the Indigo must be able to make some sort of invisible force shield.

“IS DEAN LOCKED UP WITH AN INDIGO?!” he heard Sam yelling. While standing up, Castiel tried to think of a way to shut the shield down.

“An Indigo is apparently able to guard himself,it seems,” Castiel answered.

“Can’t you do anything about it?” Sam asked. Castiel tried to get closer, step by step, to be able to sense the shield. The mix of different kinds and sources of magic, almost made the force feel like a total new way of magic, like magic and powers from a creature that doesn't exist. But Castiel held on to it and sensed some sort of pattern in the magic the Indigo used to hold up the shield, woven into each other with very much care and detail.

“I can take down some of it, but there are many parts of this shield that I cannot handle with my Grace like this!” Castiel yelled at Sam who was standing a little bit back, so that he wouldn’t be thrown back by the shield again.

They were lucky, because they were in Greece on a moment almost no one was on holiday, so there were only a few tourists giving them strange looks. The scene must’ve looked weird for them. Two guys acting weird and aggressive, a literally bloody thief running away on the background and another dude making Doctor Strange-like signs with his hands.

While Cas was working on the shield, he could hear and see everything that was happening in the shield. Sam was staring at it too.

“Don’t ignore my words and just stop fighting, Winchester,” Valo said firm, with a tone where you don’t want to argue with while pulling Dean back by his hair. Dean kept struggling and tried to hit Valo some more, but the Indigo was too quick now and saw everything coming. The more Dean fought, the more power Valo gained, it seemed. At some point, right before Castiel had unraveled some parts of the shield, he saw something strange happening inside of it, that made Castiel even working faster. He called for Sam to come and watch it too.

Cas and Sam saw how Valo's eyes changed. His right eye started turning blue, so his whole eyeball was suddenly shining bright blue light, so bright that it was hard to look at for humans. But his right eye turned completely black, which looked utterly creepy and unnatural.

“There you see the proof that the guy really is an Indigo, Sam. The eye of an Angel, the eye of a Demon and the body of a human.”

Dean finally, but probably by accident, locked his eyes into Valo’s. The aggression on his face made place for surprise and just one second later he looked a bit freaked out, but stayed calm.

“But we don’t know if Valo is more demon, angel or human! We can’t guess what his next move will be!” Sam yelled, a bit angry from the stress.

“We wouldn’t be able to guess his move even if we knew what the head source of his powers would be. He’s still an Indigo and still has the three kinds of instinctsto rely on. We don’t know what the Indigo’s do or how they work Sam! We don’t know anything about them or their powers!” Castiel yelled back while he was working away the last piece of shield where he could lay his hands on. He was so focused he forgot to check on Dean and Valo a last time before he ran through the shield, but by running through he felt like his energy got drained and he fell back on the ground like a bag of useless potatoes.

He looked up to see if he lost the fight and one of the two got killed, but apparently Valo already had gotten out of Indigo-mode even before Cas walked trough the shield. Valo was just standing there, calmly, watching how Dean helped Cas to get up. And as soon as Castiel was standing again, he felt the shield completely disappear.

Sam came standing next to Cas and Dean and the three of them were staring at Valo, not knowing what to do or say. Dean seemed to be a little bit in shock, because normally he would be the first to say something.

“Well?” Valo asked, almost sounding like he was ready to face the music.

“Well,” Sam said a bit nervously while taking a small step forward. “I don’t know if we should lock you up now or not?” Sam at least stayed honest. Valo nodded, and it was Cas who came to good sense first.

“Let’s leave this place, people are staring at us.”

[elizabethrobertajones]

About Destiel... Someone close to me who loves Spn and chat with me and all that but doesn't involve in Tumblr, or fanarts or whatever bc of man stereotypes (those are crap, really) told me yesterday that Dean was egocentric. I was like Are you fúcking kidding me, but he explained that there is a very thin line between hate and love, and for Dean to hate himself he had to have loved himself before, or something like that. I think it's interesting, so i wanted to know your opinion about this

Pfft, Tumblr cooties. 

I have to say I didn’t expect that logic to go where it did :P

I think Dean has a lot of anxiety and obvious self-esteem issues, but if I was going to look at him as being egocentric I’d be much more interested in examining his personal relationships than that… I’ve been musing on this while drinking my morning coffee (and sorry, this is going to be a headache & coffee reply :P) and thinking about Dean would ever have loved himself for that to turn into hate by that logic. 

I could think of 2 suggestions for how you could get to self-hate from there - the acceptably selfish love he’d have learned for himself as a kid while Mary was still alive (someone deserving of hugs and having the crusts cut off his sandwiches) and would have been destroyed under the burden of having to put himself second or third in the family unit, especially to Sam, once they’re on the road and he’s sort of raising Sam as the stand-in mother from age 4 onwards… Dean suffers from more and more extreme arcs about the loss of self, but the first “version” of Dean is one he lost early on and might have been the only Dean really able to uncomplicatedly love himself and believe himself worthy of that love, even if it’s in that way where to a 4 year old of course they’re the centre of the universe :P

There’s also a more complex thought I had and sorry, this is first thing in the morning for me so I hope I can explain properly… (Also this reply gets really long because of that… Sorry :P)

Looking at Dean’s self-loathing backwards, in how he ever expresses positive things about himself, I’m coming up mostly with all the snarky cutesy comments about how awesome he is and so on, which is pretty much always a great big helping of performing Dean. His self-worth is tied a lot into being a hunter (and he is occasionally sincerely proud of himself there), but overall that’s another persona, and the one he grew up into instead of the happy Dean with a normal childhood who might not have so many reasons to hate himself (Dean in 2x20, what you can gather about his personal life in the dream, is still completely affected by Dean’s own perception of himself so I don’t think it’s good data on how he’d live his life if he grew up with no monsters). 

Performing Dean, which that sequence at the end of 3x10 still shows best of any moment in the show, is all (when it comes down to it) something Dean acts under the expectation of what John would want or self-policed by what he thinks John would approve of. There’s an idealised version of Dean in his own head who is basically John or what Dean thinks John would have wanted him to be, and Dean’s lack of self-esteem is sometimes (dramatically) expressed in relation to feeling like he’s disappointed this spectre of John’s memory, and a great deal of his self-loathing comes from falling short of these standards. He’s definitely got better over time and learned to express himself more (by Dean standards) but his progress is always being interrupted, and this is such a core part of Dean I don’t think he can ever completely change it without altering his life in such a way there wouldn’t even be a show any more :P It’s not strictly “love” but it’s an idealised version of himself and also a key part of Dean’s sense of self and at least in the early seasons (before 3x10 let’s say :P) the version of himself he would want to love and live up to.

Anyway… idk about linking any of that directly to Dean being egocentric? I mean, that’s a reading you can make of him, I’m just not sure what part it plays. I should probably say immediately that I think Dean is very empathetic, and so that necessarily means in general he’s putting himself in others’ shoes when we’re looking at generic interpersonal relationships, plus the whole saving people thing, mean anything else I talk about, I’m giving Dean huge allowances here because I do think he’s kind and IN GENERAL puts others first, all the time. 

I know I have a tag about Dean being the centre of the universe, but for the most part I treat that as a joke on Dean where he doesn’t know it. On the other hand, the one major major time he exerts that power, in 5x22, he absolutely makes the entire apocalypse about him and his feelings and his need to talk to Sam before Michael and Lucifer fight, and uses that to save the world, so… Idk :P It’s not strictly a bad thing at all on a grand scale? Staying in season 5 for a minute (and sorry, Superwiki is not working right now so no quotes >.>), 5x11 explores Dean’s sense of the burden of the entire planet, and I think you could argue either way that he has an altruistic sense of having to save everyone, or focus on the “but why does it have to be him” thing, about how much he’s internalised that burden and in a way made it about himself. I feel like between his conditioning growing up to save people (and in season 1 he was altruistically the “saving people” side of “saving people hunting things” while Sam was the latter and revenge-focused) and the huge burdens the world puts on him, I don’t really think it’s fair to consider that Dean just happened to absorb this message because he’d be inclined to the idea of the world being on his shoulders, but that he is what the world made him especially with all the talk of Destiny and the feeling like no one else is remotely stuck in the cross hairs like they are. His reaction to being resurrected in 4x02 is skin-crawling horror that he’s been centred out for this sort of attention. When in big plot situations, his response can be read as egocentric, it’s not necessarily a criticism, especially as Dean is usually right, and it mostly gets the job done.

… Dealing with people, though. Idk, then it gets tricky :P Dean’s got a very strong moral centre and he expects others to hold up to his standards all the time. (I just watched through the end of season 6, and for example Dean arguing with Cas after the reveal is asking Cas to trust him and do as Dean says just because Dean believes it’s completely right and Cas is wrong. He doesn’t have any answers to help Cas this late in the game when they’re so deep into all these plans and disaster is looming and they’re out of time to deal with it, but in a way it’s almost like in 4x21 where Bobby’s telling Dean that Sam will die if they keep detoxing him, and Dean yells that at least Sam will die human - better to go out honourably than to betray yourself/Dean’s expectations of you. Being the moral core of the group DOES make it revolve around Dean’s principles, especially as he has a natural leadership to him and he can get used to what he says, goes. Like, in the latest episode, he makes the deal with Billie, and expects it to be about him when it comes to time to die… Mary getting between that abruptly shatters Dean’s centrality there, because the family unit is bigger than Dean and with so many more people involved in it, Mary and Cas hog all the drama of that moment, and in a way Dean only brought it to them. (And Sam, who only agreed to the deal, aside from badgering Dean to talk about it and getting shut down because Dean would clearly not want Sam to be the one to die, is also most used to operating under Dean’s rules and as the assumed survivor in Dean’s ideal scenario for that deal, had basically nothing to do with it aside from agreeing to a sketchy blood pact in the first place >.>)

Anyway watching through as far as I have (just watched 7x03) I do feel like I’ve been watching Dean’s moral authority grow and grow - as a response to trauma and to all the unimaginable situations he’s found himself in. Like the other characters, all the stuff that got them to the finish line in season 5, once in season 6 becomes much more dangerous and under the microscope for character development in a different way as the story switches from being sort of mythical to more about the interpersonal stuff. Dean by 7x03 has been shaken up by the ongoing problems with Sam, and Cas’s betrayal, and monsters that they don’t know how to kill, to the sort of place where his need for control, which was nurtured by all the apocalypse arc stuff by putting the burden directly on him, kind of now is definitely crossing over from a positive to neutral character trait to a definitely bad one… Honestly I feel like him ditching Sam and driving off to kill Amy because he doesn’t trust Sam is the real moment Dean snaps and sets off his arc that eventually leads to the Mark of Cain stuff, or Gadreel, which were all about Dean’s sense of control and his problems maintaining it that all play into his downfall arc as demon!Dean. (I honestly believe he’s so much more well-balanced in season 11 and 12 after all the character development Dean went through in season 10 - he was getting alarmingly zen and full of self-acceptance just before they pushed him  back over the edge… although it really needs a long view on it, like, I wasn’t certain for sure until 11x23 about how this was going for Dean, and he keeps doing stuff like these deals so it’s sort of like… he’s getting BETTER I’m not saying he’s perfect now :P) 

Anyway when it comes to Destiel, which I guess was the original reason you asked this based on your opening line… I think Dean DOES sometimes come across as egocentric - times when he puts himself or his problems first (the worst example being kicking Cas out of the Bunker). I’ve seen it argued a lot that Dean doesn’t really understand Cas to a certain level of Cas being vulnerable and/or someone he can really hurt this way, mostly because he has expectations literally to high Heaven about what Cas is and what he can do, and Cas is getting more and more human (only sometimes literally) but Dean has a lot of trouble bringing Cas down to his level. That “applications for sainthood” line about Dean and relationships is one of the best for looking at Dean and interpersonal relationships. That mixes HIS expectations (the egocentric side) with adoration and an expectation from others that he projects onto them, which is a much more selfless love but I guess no less dangerous when it comes to people disappointing him, because it comes as a blow to his entire world view. Like in 6x20 where Dean refused so long to think that Cas would betray them. Not just because Dean selfishly thinks everyone should do what he says (which is how it can come across) but because he truly believes those he loves would not do bad things. (Which also can explain his really extreme reactions to the bad stuff Sam does and Dean’s absolute reactions to it. In 4x22 when Dean’s moping about Sam to Bobby, Bobby calls Dean out on sounding like his father, which I think says a lot about where this behaviour in general comes from, again, all the absolutes and black and white thinking.) 

Anyway Dean said himself in 11x23 to Cas in the beer run, that he and Sam can get very caught up in their own stuff and forget to care about the things outside their problems, acknowledging how Cas had got a bit left to the wayside. I think that means Dean does genuinely struggle with this - and it’s now finally something that maybe they can really address after it was allowed to escalate so far over many seasons… historically almost every time there’s something wrong with Cas, Dean is slow on the uptake or it comes to smack him in the face he can’t be objective about it and generally makes the situation worse before it gets better (or swept under the rug into the growing pile of trauma Cas deals with >.>)… 

Now we’re getting some real Cas-focused episodes/a whole arc, and Cas’s problems are really out there again, I hope that means for Dean getting to face them properly as well and NOT reacting in the same way he often does. If there are far fewer issues around because all the plot has de-escalated a bit, HOPEFULLY that will let him focus on stuff outside himself? Like, though he didn’t react great to Cas leaving afterwards, when Cas actually announced he was going, Sam and Dean chased after him, and it was clear in that moment Dean genuinely was tuned in to something being up with Cas and without any other major problems to worry about that could take priority over that, and was concerned about Cas. 

I’m really hoping when it comes to Dean’s awareness of Cas’s issues he’s just had a huge wake up call, especially about how much Cas cares about them all, and while that was all about “the Winchesters” the show endlessly puts Dean n Cas just a little notch above everything else in that dynamic (Dean getting the more dramatic reaction to seeing Cas, sitting with him in the car, being the one to phone him, Sam as an outside observer to that and what Dean did and didn’t tell Cas… Even when all the language seemed to be very generically about the family as a whole, they are still singled out within it…)

But yeah, I’m not at all a bitter Cas fan who thinks Dean is cruel to Cas so I’m saying this out of wanting them to be better than they already are, not like this is a barrage of accusations levelled at Dean for being self-centred :P I try to always follow both their perspectives on a thing because there’s always huge misunderstandings. And sadly when Dean has a misunderstanding with Cas  he often lashes out at him, and that also makes it look in a lot of circumstances like Dean is being self-centred, where from his perspective he feels just as wronged by Cas and is already desperate and angry when they start a conversation (still thinking of season 6 and I guess their epic miscommunication in the end of season 7, or Dean’s lack of understanding in season 8 after the crypt scene, which is a moment that piles on a huge mess Dean’s already feeling so he doesn’t react out of the blue to randomly be angry with Cas when he shows up again…) Dean’s kind of terrible all round at interpersonal relationships… I’m very sympathetic to him there so it doesn’t upset me as long as I can understand WHERE he’s gone wrong. 

… I should probably stop talking here because I have no idea what you actually wanted here but I have been spewing way too many thoughts at you to no real conclusion… This reply is way too long but I can’t think how to cut it down aside from just not making entire points or not answering :P