#but my morals haven't failed me (yet)
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I know I sound like a broken record by now: repeating the same things others have said before but I think banality of it all is the point of my post. The fact that I have nothing new to say– not about the genocide in Gaza, not about the dwindling attention of allies, is HORRIFYING.
It has been 11 months of a genocide that the UN calls “war on children”. Malnutrition, diseases, lack of suitable medical care have caused Gazan children to lose their childhood; to lose their lives entirely!
There is no hope left for a future unmarked of pain and my friend Siraj Abudayeh ( @siraj2024 ) , who is father to three sons describes it as a “feeling of oppression”. He laments that his children have been forced away from their schools, hopes and dreams by colonizers and where before there were ambitions to excel in either studies or sports, all they know now is helplessness, fear and anger.
Siraj has told me how his children- Abed, Muhammad and Amir have confessed to their father about how they have begun to feel guilty for surviving at all now ; after having lost so many of their friends to the genocide they are experiencing survivor's guilt and it breaks my heart to hear that. Abed, the eldest son, is ONLY ELEVEN!! Can you imagine an eleven year old feeling guilty because he has managed to survive while his friends haven't ? And what kind of survival it is– Half starving, drinking unclean water, forced into tents where sand mites pester him throughout the day?
I am not sure what happened or why the engagement with fundraisers has dropped so drastically lately but there is nothing more atrocious, more horrible than apathy when children are suffering. It is so strange that we can quote James Baldwin so easily and yet have failed to understand what he meant when he said,
"The children are always ours, every single one of them, all over the globe; ...whoever is incapable of recognizing this may be incapable of morality. ”
We have the power that is not afforded to Gazans and therefore it is on us to be attentive no matter how repetitive these posts feel. It is ridiculous and dehumanizing that during a genocide one has to worry about making a post original enough to maintain attention. And yes I know that we won't be able to stop the horrifying banality of Israel’s evil in a day but WE CAN help provide FIVE families that are dependent on this fundraiser with a lifeline during times such as these.
Please we have managed to get this far after struggling for so long, it cannot be that we will fail Siraj when he is so close to the end goal of 82k !!
So DONATE AND BOOST. Find it in yourself to not just reblog but circulate the fundraiser among your colleagues, friends and family. Share it in your whatsapp chats and discord servers. Share it on every other platform that you may have a reach on.
Currently at $72,987 CAD of the short term goal of 75k. We have 2k left to raise by tomorrow.
Vetting at 219
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I know it's (mostly) just the hangover but jfc
#i feel like shit#complete fucking waste of space#one goddamn thing i'm supposed to be any good for n i couldn't even provide that cause i got too drunk#it's been some days now this brain just replaying all the shit val's said over n over n it's rly hard not listening#givin us shit about our weight n the way i've 'let myself go'#i try to do what he tells me to n i'm 'out of practice' n 'we need to work on that'#like the choking gagging runny makeup look isn't what he likes anyway. like he wouldn't just keep pushing til he gets it#takin it is the only thing i'm good for#when it hurts or he makes me do smth i really really don't wanna is the only time i look pretty#it's not what i wanna be but if not that then i'm just nothing.#it feels like no matter how long i stay away from him n try to make a life for myself out here it's all hollow#i don't know if he'd even take me back anymore. probably if i beg n prove i want it enough#all i'll ever be is a (semi) sentient sex toy/punching bag anyway so what good is it when no one's even makin use of it?#i still know what he likes. maybe i'm out of practice but i can learn. i'm not obsolete yet#n if i do well enough he'll hold me n call me a good boy. his angel baby.#i wish it didn't feel like a crime just existing when i have nothing to make up for it with#he gives me a use n doesn't care about things like consent or morals. he just takes what he wants when he wants it#so i don't need to worry abt failing my basic purpose. he'll take it either way.#it's fucking terrible for my mental health but so is existing like this so what's the point? it's been months n i haven't gotten any better#at least he can make my head quiet. at least he usually gives me a way to make up for it when i fuck up#i need to wait at least til our brain's back to normal before makin any big decisions but. maybe it's time i went back where i belong.#maybe it's time i let him take back what was always his property anyway#spdrvent
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So, full disclosure, I haven't been a Solas fan before.
I am now.
And that's because of Veilguard and the many, many ways in which I felt let down by this game.
The aspect that bothers me most is the reduction of nuance and complexity.
Rook's hero's cakewalk (because “journey” really isn't the right word) is a ready-made path that offers no deviation at all and never challenges the player in any meaningful way.
Sure, you can spend some time pondering the pros and cons of saving Treviso or Minrathous. Ultimately, it makes no difference. Rook does their best, they just can’t be in two places at once.
Same with the companion character arcs. What does it mean if you decide to you turn Emmrich into a lich? For the most part, it's idle musing. Indulgence. He’ll be happy either way, there are no real stakes. Yeah, your actions do have consequences, just not the sort of consequences that make a substantial difference. It’s the illusion of choice – reduced to cosmetics.
The problems with decisions that cost nothing is that they don’t feel like an accomplishment. They also don’t allow for character growth. Rook doesn’t change, they remain static. Even the section in the Fade where Rooks faces their regrets is easy and comparatively lightweight. Varric was killed by Solas, Harding resp. Davrin died in combat and either Bellara or Neve was abducted by Elgar’nan. It’s not like Rook’s decisions actually caused these events, it’s not like Rook actually failed through a choice they had to make that turned out to be the wrong one. Everyone was there willingly and volunteered to fight the good fight. Rook’s regrets are not about real guilt, they are about feeling sad and guilty. And that – it needs to be said – is not the same thing. At all.
At the same time, the story carefully avoids any kind of true ethical dilemma.
It's not even about the lack of mean or edgy dialogue options; that’s just a symptom. The cause is the writers’ unwillingness to let realism intrude in Rook’s fairytale – the lack of anything that would require Rook to compromise on morals, or fight temptation. Rook is never faced with any sort of moral conundrum, or allowed to act out any kind of vice that realistic characters have. In its straight-path simplicity, Rook's story is apparently written for children and people who remain child-like in their yearning for simple, uncontested truths.
Of all the sorts of conflicts that a story can offer, Veilguard carefully avoids the most realistic and (in my opinion) interesting ones: Character vs. self and character vs. society, aka, politics. The game firmly refuses to go there. To the point where it creates a completely unrealistic consensus on all sides that eliminates yet another sort of conflict: character vs. character.
If Rook and their companions would talk politics, they’d all be on the exact same side. In a two party state, they’d all cast the same vote.
I am sure that there are many players who feel comforted and reassured by that fact, who sincerely believe that this is how stories should be written. That stories should reflect the world not as it is but as they think it should be. But for everyone who likes their stories a little more realistic, that lack of meaningful interpersonal conflict, that lack of real diversity which comes not from appearance but from different cultures and opposing viewpoints amounts to a frankly cringe-worthy, artificial and juvenile surface-level interaction between characters. Or, to phrase it differently: the diversity remains skin-deep and doesn’t extend to the philosophical, and even in the few instances where it does, it shies away from the political.
Which means that the only conflicts that remain are the most boring and stereotypical ones: character vs. monsters resp. the supernatural, where all foes are evil in the blandest way (Supremacist Venatori! Fascist renegade qunari! Power-hungry necromancers!). These conflicts are resolved through exploring maps and endless, repetitive combat.
The only thing that brings a bit of nuance to the game is Solas’s story. And there is an element of character vs. character in Rook’s and Solas’s relationship, but the sad truth is that what could have been a fascinating mirrored character journey falls flat for all the reasons already explained – because where Solas is a character as layered and controversial as it gets, Rook is anything but.
Solas’s story shows how even people with the best intentions and the greatest integrity are ultimately broken by what life throws at them, both by the decisions that are forced upon them and the choices they make on their own. It shows how a prolonged war is always a sunk cost fallacy: I’ve gone this far, if I stop now, it was all for nothing.
Rook’s victories, on the other hand, come without a cost – both in terms of moral corruption and in accountability. The guilt Solas bears is real. The fight against the titans, followed by his war against the Evanuris, requires compromising his own morals, one day at a time, one century after another, he’s trying to save the world yet doomed to fail. Sacrificing the spirits to win a battle after the war has gone this far? Every single war leader around the globe would make the same decision. In fact, all of them do: They do sacrifice the lives of others if it will help them win, they do send soldies into the trenches to die, whether these soldiers want to or not, and they are rarely, if ever, truthful about the reasons why.
In a certain way, the story of the spirit of wisdom turned flesh is reminiscent of the biblical Fall of Man: the original sin. Solas has fallen, and he’s broken. In trying to heal the world, he’s trying to heal himself. The burden is too heavy, the responsibility to great, the knowledge that he is responsible for all of it too devastating. Solas’s greatest conflict is character vs. self. It has the potential to be great. In a way, it is. It’s the single redeeming quality that, depending on your interpretation of what went on behind the scenes, the writers managed to salvage from the original concept of Dreadwolf or the lone pillar that withstood all their attempts to bring it down.
Only sadly, infuriatingly, in the end, that fallen hero’s ending is put into the hands of a protagonist who judges him from the perspective of someone who has never even stumbled – not because they are wiser, braver, or kinder. No, just because the writers were gracious – or cowardly? – enough to never let them fail.
The game gives Rook a moral high ground which isn’t earned in the slightest because Rook never had to walk even a quarter of a mile in Solas’s shoes. They don’t know what they would have done in his stead, they have no idea what it actually means to see the sorry shape the world is in and know that it was your hands that shaped it. And even where Rook might actually be culpable – the interruption of Solas’s ritual that freed the remaining Evanuris – anyone is quick to assure Rook that it wasn’t their fault.
Whatever regrets Rook carries, they’re born from self-doubt and trauma response. Survivor’s guilt, mostly. When compared to Solas’s immense guilt, Rook’s regrets are, for lack of a better term, insignificant. That Rook manages to face them doesn’t mean that they are more truthful or emotionally mature, it just means that Rook’s story is a tale for children and Solas’s is not.
It’s not that I’m necessarily opposed to the idea that the player decides Solas’s fate through their actions. It’s the injustice of it all that bothers me: The player is led through a game that provides a safe space for their character, one that is devoid of any interpersonal conflict and any ethical quandary. Rooks succeeds through kindness and heroism and taking their companions on team bonding exercises.
As if Solas could have won the war against the Evanuris if he’d taken the time to take his companions on coffee dates.
The juxtaposition – Rook vs. Solas – fails, simply because of this deep divide. Rook’s story is detached from reality and yet Rook gets to be Solas’s judge, jury, and executioner. On what grounds?
As I said, right in the beginning, I haven’t been a Solas fan before. But by the end of Veilguard, I was firmly, irrevocably, Team Solas, just because I was so annoyed that the narrative put Rook in a position of moral superiority. I detested my own character. Jesus, what a goody two-shoes! I was rooting for Solas simply because his story was so much more: a genuine tragedy, a study in complexity. Rook, on the other hand, remains bland, snotty, unchanged. Untried.
The thing is, I don’t believe that my reaction was one the writers had intended. I strongly feel that they didn’t mean for me to pick up on their double standard, that they expected me to walk away fully satisfied, convinced that Rook and The Team were the Good Guys because they went on picnics and petted the griffon, their final victory well-earned and just. If only Solas had had a Team and taken care of their emotional needs – he could have taken down the Evanuris with nary a scratch!
It’s all so very disingenuous.
Rook and, by extension, the player exist in a bubble of sanitized content. That is clearly deliberate. The player is meant to like it there. (In that sense, it’s only logical that they changed the title from Dreadwolf to Veilguard.) And clearly, it does resonate with a certain kind of their player base: mostly with people, I think, who would like their real life to be a bubble too and whose only experience with moral corruption is when they find it in others.
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one who had dreams of being a hero
This comic is based on Story 3, which speaks of his hobby of ice fishing originating from the days he'd go out with his father on the ice, 'accompanied by his father's unending tales of adventure,' and dream of being the protagonist.
Nowadays, he keeps up the hobby, though only as a method of training... and it seems he fishes alone.
I thought a lot about fairytales and stories told to children -- how they are used to impart lessons and shape a child's growing sense of morality.
I think these stories were Childe's father telling him what kind of man he hoped his son would become.
In Story 5, 'his father had no choice but to hand his beloved son over for conscription into the Fatui' in an attempt to discipline his temper, but was disappointed when Childe continued ascending the ranks, further and further from the gentle boy he was..
His father named him after the hero Ajax. Is he still disappointed in the path Childe has taken? Does he still see his son in the man he sees before him? Does Childe feel in himself the chasm between who he dreamed of becoming and who he is now?
It's interesting, that fairytales should often have a very strict good/evil morality. Childe professes he has no use for such things, and will gladly become a mindless weapon so long as he can continue honing himself for battle. And yet, has he truly given up on being human?
For a Harbinger, Childe is oddly principled, preferring straightforward battles without deceit. He retains a sort of moral code, reluctant to involve those who are defenseless in his plans.
And of course, he deeply cherishes his family. What sort of weapon has a family? Why does he cling so desperately to this identity as a defender of childhood dreams, of being his sister Tonia's knight?
Perhaps his own dream of being a hero died long ago, but a part of him still recognizes the tragedy of it and maybe... in some way, is still trying.
This is somewhat of a companion piece to my Scara comic "one who has given up on being saved". Childe, unable to live up to his childhood ideals of heroism, and Scara, whose pleas for help went unanswered.
A failed hero, and someone who never had one.
ARGHH yknow it drives me nuts. I haven't known peace since I started thinking about it.
#VERY LONG POST sorry i'm really normal about them. please enjoy my essay#childe#genshin impact#genshin impact fanart#childe fanart#teucer#fatui harbingers#my art#my comics#happy birthday childe.. sorry my present is a comic about what a disappointment you are to your father..
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So I’m a minor (16 to be specific) and I frequently watch and read stuff with explicit sexual or 18+ content in it. I live in an extremely conservative Christian household and things like explicit fanfic are pretty much the only option I have for learning about sex that isn’t abstinence only. I do feel bad about it, especially when I see adults online say stuff like “oh i watched lots of inappropriate things as a teen that i really shouldn’t have” and it makes me feel like I’m ruining myself in a way that I won’t realize until I’m an adult? Right now I don’t see what the big deal is but i get the feeling that when i’m 24 or something I’ll wake up one day and be ashamed of this for some reason i’m not mature enough to know yet. Should I just stop and wait until I’m 18 to continue or what?
hi anon,
okay. I'm gonna hit you with something:
turning 18 does not actually change the way you feel about porn or sex or anything. the difference between being seventeen and 364 days and being 18 is nonexistent. there's not a magical switch that changes you as a person; that comes from lived experience. if you're 18 and your experience is still that porn and smut and what have you i something that you should feel bad about, it's still going to feel that way and a birthday won't change that.
look, the whole notion of "I saw [x] that I shouldn't have when I was young" is like. okay. so you saw something that was a little mature for you that you didn't quite get? awesome. did you die? no. most people's hangups about sexuality don't come from seeing a rogue titty when they were a teenager, they come from the culture that person was raised in that made seeing a rogue titty feel like something to be ashamed of instead of a completely natural part of life.
story time! when I teach my 4th-6th grade OWL classes (Our Whole Lives, great human development program) I always start by holding a meeting with the kids' parents. I've been doing this for seven years, and every time without fail some of the parents will recall seeing porn for the first time as a kid. these guys were kids when printed porn magazines were still a thing, so they were discovering them in all kinds of places - the bedrooms of their parents or their friends' parents, at bus stops, in the woods, once even stowed in some farm equipment. and they remember it feeling illicit and exciting, sure, and possibly making them confused or even horny for the first time in their young lives, but like... that's it. none of these people are irreparably damaged by seeing porn. in fact, they've grown up to be the kind of people who go out of their way to make sure their young kids are enrolled in a queer-friendly, body-positive, diversity-embracing sex ed class to counter stereotypes and misinformation they might receive elsewhere.
looking at things that arouse you is morally neutral. it can be a great way to help you learn about what turns you on, and even if it's not the best source of factual, realistic depictions of sex, it can still help you discover things - hell, I only figured out what the clitoris was by reading Young Justice fanfic (shout out Snaibsel).
you can't ruin yourself, at any age, with the media you like to consume. what makes you uncomfortable and anxious is the attitude you've been taught to have about that media, which is something that has to be actively unlearned, because it's certainly not going to just disappear on its own when you become a legal adult.
tl;dr obviously no one is making you watch porn and you shouldn't if it makes you uncomfortable, but if you drop it right now and come back when you're 18 don't expect to feel any different if you haven't done any more unpacking re: the conservative Christianity of it all.
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can you write something grumpy!42miles x sunshine!reader? where he’s always kinda mean but cares about her but they end up together
this prompt is so cute tysm for the req!!
Word count: About 1,600
Pairing: Grumpy Earth-42! Miles Morales x Sunshine! f! reader
Summary: The line between just classmates and something more is thin. Miles and You seemed to be walking that line.
Warnings: (begrudgingly) friends to lovers, he's a bit mean, fluff, minimal cursing, classmates to lovers, pure fluff, cannot contain the fluff, reader is a little slow, this is short and cute, spanish grammar is not my strong suit
A/N: if i haven't gotten to your request yet, its still a wip but will be posted soon!
_________
You were boisterously laughing. Obnoxiously, even. The guy’s joke wasn’t even that funny.
Miles called your name out with an aggravated tone,
"Would it kill you to shut up for a second?"
You promptly responded, "Would it kill you to lighten up for once?"
He regrets not skipping this class.
That was partially a lie. In reality, he didn’t care for this class at all. He only came to see you. You were one of the few people who put up with him.
Miles and you always sat together during class. "Unassigned assigned seats", you'd call it. But that’s all you were. Seat partners. That was the way it was, and the way it would stay. And he was fine with that, at least he tried to convince himself.
The next day, the seat next to Miles was empty. It hasn’t been empty since the first day you met.
If you asked Miles how you both met, he’d say you forced your way into his life. However, you’d say that you saw through his “cold guy” facade and he opened up his heart to you. He was a good guy if you had the patience. That was only one of the many things he admired about you. Your optimism.
He saw you across the room. You were sitting with someone else. A guy. What was his name again? Miles couldn't recall. That was how irrelevant he was to Miles.
"Is this seat taken?" Miles looked up to the voice that had spoken, hoping it was somehow you. However, as he glanced up, an unfamiliar face was staring at him.
"Nah." He muttered, not sparing her another look.
She introduced herself and told Miles her name, but he wasn't listening. He was listening to your laugh. How could he not? Your laugh was practically drowning out every other voice in the room. At least, that’s how he perceived it.
You were giggling at whatever the guy next to you said. But this time, he wished it was him making you laugh. That guy didn't deserve to hear you laugh, or see you smile.
He couldn't stand your laugh unless he was the cause of it. Miles didn’t pay attention to the lesson that day. He was occupied staring daggers into your back. Yet you never noticed.
You sat next to Miles the day after, as usual. It was an unspoken agreement, and you had broken it the day prior.
Immediately as you sat down, Miles started interrogating you.
"You left me with some random girl to go flirt with that moron? He's a dick." He scoffed at you, nodding his head towards the guy that you left him for yesterday.
Right, like you're not. You thought. "He's really not, he's a good guy!" You defended him and continued, "Plus, your partner was super smart. She was probably more help than I could’ve been.”
"Ella no es tú. What else can I say, ma?" Miles casually said.
You tried to hide your grin but failed as a smile spread across your face. The corner of his lip curled in a small smirk. If you blinked, you would have missed it.
"I’m sorry for 'leaving you', Miles. But don’t worry, I prefer you over him anyway." You smiled brightly at him. And for a second, his stoic heart gleamed.
"I wasn't worried." He grumbled.
"You sure? I mean, whatever you say.” You grinned amusedly at him.
The rest of the class period followed as usual. But this time, before the bell rang, Miles bottled up his dignity to ask you, "Ay ma, wanna hang out after school?"
You raised a skeptical brow at his unusual behavior, "What, you starting to like me now? I thought you couldn't tolerate me." You probed.
Oblivious to you, he does more than just tolerate you. He was growing fond of your presence. He was starting to miss the sound of your giggle echoing within the room when he wasn’t around you.
But he couldn't find the courage to tell you just yet. Instead, he murmured, "I can tolerate you. Out of most of these people in here, anyway."
"I'm kidding. Yeah, I'm down, Miles." You teased him and agreed.
What you didn't know is that your initial question wasn't very far from the truth.
The school day couldn’t have passed any slower. If you were being honest, you were eagerly anticipating spending more time with Miles out of school.
The final bell of the day rang, and Miles held up to his side of the agreement. He met up with you after school.
Walking side-by-side, you asked, "What've you got planned for us today, Miles? You gonna wine and dine me?" you winked at him.
"Maybe another day, mami." He cracked a slight grin as he responded, fond of your antics.
"I'll hold you to that. I've got a better idea, anyway." You said as you heard a familiar song ringing through the atmosphere.
You yanked Miles by his arm and pulled him, "Look, an ice cream truck! I haven't seen one of those in forever. Let's go!"
A rare smile adorned Miles' face. Not that you saw it. You were too busy chasing after the ice cream truck and dragging him along.
You approached the ice cream truck. The ice cream man greeted you, "Hey guys! What can I get for you today?"
Without missing a beat, you said "Hello! Can I get the Spongebob popsicle please?" with a bright smile.
Miles ordered his right after you. "Coming right up!" The ice cream man said. He shortly returned with both your orders in hand.
As you tried to give the owner cash, Miles lowered your hand gently and said, "Let me pay for you." It was more of a demand as he handed cash to the man.
You couldn't contain the surprise that formed on your face. "Really? Thank you, Miles! You didn't have to do that, y’know." You reached up to him and peppered a kiss on his cheek as a token of gratitude. "Nah, I wanted to." He dismisses it with a shrug.
The man gave you both your ice creams and said, "Have a good day!"
"Young love. A beautiful thing to see." The owner of the truck said as you both walked away.
You both sat on a bench surrounded by a garden of blooming flowers. It was quite scenic for Brooklyn. "Miles, look. He only has one eye!" You chuckled as you showed him your popsicle.
Unbeknownst to you, you had ice cream smeared on your face. He leaned in to wipe the corner of your mouth with his thumb, his gaze lingering on your lips. An almost too-intimate action for people who were just "classmates." But you brushed it off as him being friendly for a change.
"You're a mess, mami." He chuckled, shaking his head at you. You ignored how he made your stomach do flips.
Miles had led you to a rooftop that he frequents. It had an incredible view of the sun, despite all the tall buildings encased around you two.
Miles and you spent the rest of the evening together, basking in the presence of one another. You conversed for hours, only realizing the time when the sun started to set. Comfortable moments of silence were exchanged as you watched the sun disappear from the sky, the moon soon replacing it.
“It’s a full moon, isn’t it just beautiful?” You admired the moon as it shone down on the sullen streets of Brooklyn.
"Yeah, It is." He replied, but he wasn't looking at the moon. If you had just turned your head, you'd realize the true meaning of his words. He hadn't even noticed the moon. His eyes were fixated on you instead. He believed that the moon couldn't even hold a candle to you.
"Why haven't we done this before, Miles? I enjoyed hanging out with you today." You felt harmonious with him for once, laying your head against his shoulder as you studied his face.
"I did too, princesa. Maybe I will just wine and dine you someday." Miles said with a smirk, gazing down into your eyes with a borderline smitten expression.
A lightbulb suddenly enlightened your brain. You mentally banged your head against a wall. How could you be so naive to not realize it sooner?
You broke the tension in the air and raised your head to look into his eyes. "Is this a date? You know, people that are 'just' classmates don't go on dates." You told him cheekily.
Could he not have made it more obvious? He paused for a moment and said, “I don’t want to be just classmates.”
“So you want to be best friends? Great! Me too." You grinned, feigning naivety.
His face immediately dropped as he facepalmed himself. "Dios mío, no. That's not what I meant. Never mind, olvídalo." He said, shaking his head.
You beamed at him and laced your fingers with his. “I’m just messing with you, Miles. I like you too. In case you haven't noticed."
He sighed of relief as he lifted your entwined hands to press a soft kiss to the back of your hand. You stayed in each other's embrace for the rest of the night.
From that day forward, you never broke the unspoken agreement ever again. And Miles never had to worry about you associating with another douche again. Excluding himself.
You walked into class hand-in-hand the next day. The following days, as well. That's the way it was, and that's the way it would stay. And both of you were content with that.
_________
ella no es tú - she's not you
dios mío - my god
olvídalo - forget it
princesa - princess
#earth 42 miles morales x reader#miles morales x reader#across the spiderverse#into the spider verse#jealousy#miles morales spider man#miles morales x y/n#miles morales x you#prowler miles#spider man#earth 42#prowler miles morales#prowler!miles x reader#miles morales prowler#prowler!miles#miles morales#friends to lovers
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What do you think of the movement to vote "uncommitted" in the primary? Personally I think it's a good idea as a protest vote, while not "allowing Trump to win" since it's, ya know, the primary. You're voting for "the Democrat you want to be the candidate for president" not who you actually want to be president. Most of the arguments I've seen against it seem to forget primaries exist...
Well, since you came to me and presumably do want my honest opinion on this topic, I'll share it with you. However, this will also be very blunt and candid, including some things which I haven't yet said in the 4+ months since the whole Israel/Hamas situation kicked off, and therefore also frustrated. This frustration should not be read as/taken as being directed at you personally, but since you're the conduit for this question, that's just something I want to highlight.
So. Why should you vote for Biden in the primary, and not "uncommitted" or whatever else?
First of all, what I desperately want to ask all these self-righteous VOTE UNCOMMITTED IN THE PRIMARY TO SEND BIDEN A MESSAGE types is: what exactly the fuck do you want this message to be, and what action do you expect Biden will take as a result? Is this actually based on an expectation of what he can/and or will actually do, or is it just a froth of misguided Online Leftist "rah rah this Bad Thing Happening Is All Biden's Fault," as we also notably went through when Roe was overturned by the Trump-stacked SCOTUS selected precisely for the purpose of overturning Roe? My god, the amount of bad "THIS IS BIDEN/THE DEMOCRATS' FAULT" posts that appeared, and are still circulating on the particularly idiotic corners of this site. Nothing could ever be Trump/the Republicans' fault in that case; it was the same old same old "DEMOCRATS DON'T CARE ENOUGH TO STOP THIS!!!" puerile fantasy. That's what we are getting now with Israel/Hamas. This isn't Hamas's fault for attacking Israel on October 7 (god forbid; the online left loves Hamas) and it isn't even the state of Israel and Netanyahu's fault for responding with full-scale genocide on Gaza. Or it is, somehow, but not so much that Biden personally couldn't magically reach in and stop it "if he really wanted to." I'm sick and fucking tired of this bullshit sixth-grade bad-faith disingenuous approach to playing Super Moral Social Justice Yahtzee and refusing to acknowledge the thousands of complex factors at play, especially when it involves blaming literally anyone other than Biden, personally (just like the Trump cultists, for whom "IT'S BIDEN'Z FAULT" is the beginning and end of their political theory, just like the Online Leftists). I'm sure this will get me called a genocide apologist by the Very Smart Moral Twitter Thinker types, but I don't think "Biden has failed to magically single-handedly solve this crisis, which stems from one of the most major and long-running issues in post-WWII and indeed pre-WWII world history, in four months" is actually a good reason to vote against him.
Likewise: withholding your vote might make more sense as a strategy if Biden was still only blindly supporting Israel and refusing to do anything to pressure them, which is demonstrably untrue. I know it's hard for some of these people to actually read the news and/or anything outside their ultra-curated Twitter feed, but it's been well-reported and well-documented that he is. If the US was directly involved in the bombing campaign on Gaza, sure, tell Biden that you will vote uncommitted to increase pressure on him to pull out. None of that is actually true, and the "information" about Biden's action in re: Gaza on both Twitter and Tumblr is basically just entirely malicious lies. So again: what message are you sending when you decide to be all precious and announce you're not voting for him? You don't want him to pressure Israel? You're willing to blow this up entirely and increase the media nonsense about BIDEN WEAK DEMOCRATS DIVIDED and give Trump an opening to exploit? You really want to announce to the Trump/Putin/Netanyahu axis of evil that their anti-Biden propaganda is working (since all three of them are working as hard as they fucking can to get Biden out of office, and as someone who opposes all three of them, I think this is a good idea to vote for Biden!) and they need to hammer harder on this wedge issue? Because that's all your oh-so-moral Uncommitted vote is doing. It's not a protest. It's not leverage. It is the withdrawing of leverage. If you want Biden in office so he can be pressured to listen to you and take action that you agree with, you will vote for him. Yes, in the primary. Yes, when it's not directly against Trump.
You want a ceasefire, you say? GREAT! WE ALL WANT A CEASEFIRE AND/OR ACTUAL PEACE AND RECOGNITION OF A PALESTINIAN STATE! That's in fact why you should be busting your fucking ass to make sure Biden gets re-elected, and to give him a strong show of support in the primary. Biden is the only candidate with a credible long-term (and like, baseline functional sane adult) plan for Gaza. Biden is the one who has been pressuring Netanyahu in every single contact to tone it down and stop acting like an insane murderous maniac and therefore torching any remains of sympathy for the attack Israel suffered in October. Biden is the one who has his entire diplomatic team working on high-level contacts with the Israeli government and the Hamas representatives via Qatar, while sufficiently threatening Iran to back down from frothing at the mouth to destroy Israel (once again, just like the rest of the antisemitic western left). Biden is the one who is pushing for this not to be World War III, and yet we get Baby's First Social Justice Activist screaming at him for being GENOCIDE JOE and blaming him personally for not, as I keep putting it, shapeshifting into Netanyahu's body and making this stop. "He should publicly call for a ceasefire!" Or, and this is just a suggestion, he should DO HIS FUCKING JOB and continue to work on serious problems that don't have instant socially media marketable catchphrases and won't come with instant gratification. Also, please tell me how you plan to get both Hamas and Israel to accept the same terms for a ceasefire, abide by it, and do exactly what Big Daddy Biden told them, because you, the dedicated anti-western anti-imperialist, think that's the best course of action?
Like. I mean. As vice president and now as president, Biden is actually one of the least foreign-intervention-happy leaders the US has ever had. He was originally against the Abbottabad raid to take out Osama bin Laden in 2011; he wound down the overseas drone assassination program (at which the Online Leftists screamed bloody murder at Obama, ignored in Trump, and then refused to give Biden any credit for ending) to almost nothing, he pulled the US out of Afghanistan, and even though he's been supporting Ukraine in its fight against Russia, he's also been extremely slow and cautious (in my opinion, too slow and cautious) at giving them all the military hardware they need, even before this latest blockade of aid in the House by Putin's favorite little bitch Mike Johnson. He has already presided over a historic shift in US policy toward Israel, in terms of conditioning the use of lethal aid, imposing reporting requirements, starting to criticize them publicly, and calling for the recognition of a Palestinian state and more humanitarian aid to get into Gaza. Yet in the Online Leftists' mind, because he is not personally out there Captain America-ing away the Israeli bombs and/or calling for Israel to be totally destroyed "from the river to the sea" as the Tumblr activists are fond of using no matter how often Jews ask them to stop, there is nothing he's actually doing! GENOCIDE JOE!!!!! Like, I thought the anti-western anti-American crowd thought all overseas American influence was evil (but all overseas Russian and/or Chinese influence is fine). When Biden actually doesn't recklessly intervene in foreign conflicts like Kennedy/Johnson/Nixon/Reagan/Bush 1/Bush 2/pretty much every American president in the latter half of the twentieth century, you'd think that would get him plaudits? NAH.
"Biden should stop selling Israel weapons without Congressional approval!" Okay, sure, he should. Which he did one time, and he also repeatedly promised to veto and/or not pass any only-Israel aid package that didn't also help Ukraine and Taiwan. He's also not beholden to the frothing antisemitic Online Leftists position that Israel should just lie down and let all of its citizens be killed and its state wiped from existence. Like. We also remember that Jewish voters exist in America, right? And that Jewish lives are something which are repeatedly and demonstrably under threat in the rest of the world, including from Hamas and the Houthis (who are genuinely terrible people and the western left's warm embrace of them as principled anti-Israel actors is all we need to know about their inherent brainrot and moral vacancy). We know that maybe going full masks-off antisemite (which Biden isn't going to do anyway, for any number of reasons) isn't the greatest plan and nothing to which you should be conditioning your vote? Likewise, please tell me how you plan to make Congress (especially the GOP-led clown car House) "do what Biden wants," since you're still beholden to that being the be-all-and-end-all of moral action? Or how you account for Congress at all, and not just think The President is An Almighty King?
Aside from all this, I am sick to my fucking back teeth of the Precious Moral Princesses (gender neutral) who have spent four years lying about everything Biden has done. We had the personally blaming him for Roe ending (he could unilaterally overturn SCOTUS if he really wanted!) We had the endless bashing about student debt, only to ignore him actually making the most major effort to forgive student debt in all the post-Reagan years. We have had a complete ignoring and/or distortion of his domestic policy accomplishments, which are some of the most momentous since FDR and LBJ. We have had an utter ignoring, revision, and downplaying of the damage Trump did in one term and how very much worse his second would be. We have had to endure "WELL YOU CAN'T ASK ME TO VOTE FOR BIDEN" at every single second for every single thing, because this is such a terrible onerous thing to ask them to lift one single fucking finger to give us some more time to come up with a better solution. And yet, as astutely pointed out by one of my anons yesterday, they utterly don't care whether the obvious outcome of this action is to help Trump get back into power. Apparently that's not a moral reach too far, but straining their delicate tender moral sensibilities to fucking do the goddamn bare minimum to help us out -- both in America and around the world -- no, no. We can't have that.
Like. These people allegedly want a ceasefire, and they want it to come about by asking literally nothing more of them then posting snide anti-Biden diatribes on social media. That's the extent of the effort they're willing to put in. They can't even trouble themselves to take the first step of voting for people who want to address this crisis in a constructive way. So yeah, I have a hard time believing this is anything deeply felt in regard to opposing genocide, and just wants what makes them look morally superior. Also: I don't care if your feelings are genuinely pure and strong and you obviously oppose what's happening in Gaza (we all do!) and want it to end. In that case, why the fuck aren't you throwing your support (yes! Even in the primary!) behind the one guy who's actually working to fix it and not just posting empty platitudes on Twitter? It likewise does not excuse you from the harmful consequences of your rhetoric and actions, if you decide that the best way to act on your deep-seated and genuine desire to stop the genocide is just to blindly bash Biden all day every day. Not voting for Biden in the primary does not excuse the fact that this election is against Trump and everything horrible that he represents, and that we are in this situation largely because the online left has learned literally fucking nothing from 2016 and is eager to do it all over again. Not voting for Biden in the primary does not give you a special Gold Star Moral Activist sticker announcing that you were too virtuous to engage in the process now, but if you're sufficiently placated, you maybe will do it in November. Miss me with that bullshit. I've spent eight years pleading with people to help us fix this mess, by -- yes! engaging with the flawed process that makes partial changes!!! -- and all I hear is that same fucking nonsense. That is a large part of why this response is so steamed.
Anyway. In short, I don't think voting "uncommitted" is a good idea, I think it only helps Trump in the short and long term, I think it protests nothing, I think it represents the same old tired anti-voting schlock that I have had more than fucking enough of, and I don't endorse it by any means. However, you will see that while I can strongly and unequivocally give you my opinion that it is a bad idea, I cannot actually reach through the screen, take control of your body, and force you to obey me one way or the other. So maybe, just maybe, Biden can't do the same with Netanyahu. Weird.
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Sevika character analysis post
Because it feels like everyone's miscaharcterises her and she's being treated only like a "hot mommy" I think I got an aneyrism writing this sentence sorry
// ARCANE spoilers season 1 & 2
So, a little disclaimer, I haven't rewatched season 1 so I might get some stuff wrong from it, feel free to correct me in case I get facts wrong
I want to start from the first impression we get from her. In season one she's a brutal right hand of an undercity mafia basically, a gambler and a card player, smokes, a frequent visitor in brothels (tiktok thinks she and Ambessa fucked the same twink and it changed the course of my life, I feel). She's a brutal and strong fighter. All in all, scary bitch (slay, if I may).
But the other aspect of her charcter in season 1 is that she's ridiculously loyal. She's loyal to Silco like a dog. The way she kept following him even after many many opportunities to get deals with his enemies. What it tells us is that even if she seems like a typical villian, she has a strong moral code. "But what about Vander?" You may ask. Well, her moral code also tells her to support the idea she sees as right. Her and Silco both disagreed on Vander's view, and decided to go their separate way. So even if she's loyal, she's still not going to support someone she doesn't agree with, which distinguishes her from a common minion trope.
In the same loyal theme, I would like to touch upon her relationship with Jinx. Yes, they were openly hostile to each other, but in season 2 Sevika decides to follow Jinx at some point. I have yet to decide if it's just because of Jinx being dear to Silco (a gesture of goodwill) or Sevika actually saw the girl growing up and had warm feelings. I firstly thought Sevika collaborated with Jinx on attack on Cait n Vi just for the sake of revenge (the entire Grey ordeal), but the way she instinctively covered Jinx n Isha with her entire body in this one scene, I fall more on "warm feelings" scale than "cold alliance".
Also don't forget the episode where Jinx gifted Sevika her new hand (which didn't last long but oh well). That was a gesture of goodwill, which is crazy concidering all the curcumstances ngl.
The way Sevika told everyone about Jinx they are not handing over their people even before she knew Jinx was relatively stable or even if she wanted to kill Sevika or not shows really well where her loyalties lie. Whether it was in memory of Silco or Sevika changing to be more like Vander and prioritize community.
And now her relationship with Jinx leads us to a revolution in Piltover. Right after Silco's death Sevika, who has always been a number 2, a right hand, tries to become a leader... but kinda fails. Which is expected. If you folow orders your entire life, it's difficult to make people listen to you even if you have a strong character and morals. And she tries again with leading a revolution against the Piltovian regime.. and fails again. But Jinx somehow has people folowing her without even trying. And Sevika decides to support her in hopes of making Zaun's life easier.
I bet she has complicated feelings about Jinx: maybe some warm ones from seeing her growing up, definitely hatred from all the stuff Jinx did (we still don't know if she knows Jinx killed Silco, right? I bet she figured out tbh), but also the sense of hope for change. And so Sevika becomes a number 2 again. The problem is, this new leader to follow doen't have any ambition or even care about community (she only cares about Isha let's be fr).
And Sevika, who very obviously craves community and connection loses everyone. No Vander, no Silco, and now no Jinx.
But you know what she has? The strong desire to make people's lifes better.
And this is why she doesn't stay back during the Ambessa's attack on Piltover, even tho it's not her, as a zauntie, fight. There's a possibility of Zaun getting in danger (bc let's be honest, Ambessa would just obliterate Zaun in case she reighns) and Sevika stands up for a fight.
And this is why I think she's the perfect candidate to end up in the new Piltover senate.
Tbh the first one would definitely be Ekko with the way he build up his community. Yeah he seems kinda down after all that, but for me personally it's a weak plot to make him all about Jinx in the end, sorry, we need TWO places in the council, you know (on my planet they are both there together)
Sevika tried several times in the past to be a leader and failed, but she still tries again, as her sense of responsibility for her people is stronger than her personal doubts.
(And you know she would have them after whole 2 times oof)
I've seen people on multiple platforms make jokes about Sevika in the council being ridiculous, but I strongly disagree, as you can see. No, she does not have anger issues, Jinx's just annoying/j
All in all, I think she's a very interesting and complex character.
Thank you for reading, feel free to share your thoughts.
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I need to know about that creek and Mr dinkles episode was it scrapped?
Oh no that one isn't real, i came up with it with my brain !
Me and a buddy of mine were talking about possible ideas for a Creek redemption arc and him having to do community service seemed not only like a logical step (Poppy could see it as a way to make trolls who are still iffy about him, like Branch, trust him more while trolls who already trust him get to know him better) but would also have a lot of possibilities for funny scenarios and character growth (could have a message in there about how even if you do nice things with the sole intent of making yourself feel good or look good in the eyes of others, you are still, at the end of the day, doing good things, and it's not a moral failing to do that) And since we both absolutely love Mr Dinkles the idea of a hypothetical "Creek has to take care of Mr Dinkles and his visiting family while Biggie is busy, shenanigans ensue" episode sounded like an absolute dream, so i drew it !
Plus i think the dynamic we came up for Auntie Dinkles and Creek is really really really funny and it does sadden me a bit that i haven't done much with it yet
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i totally agree that it’s ridiculous for people to write fics for films that haven’t been released yet, but the problem isn’t the smut itself. people have every right to write porn if that scratches the itch.
i think your main point is the most important: it’s impossible to write a thoughtful, inspired fic when we don’t even know the story it’s based on. no one knows who this character is or what he’s like.
at this point, everyone should just call a spade a spade and write pedro rpf. all they care about is seeing his face in different situations.
so my earlier post was not so much a statement on Pedro Pascal Character fanfiction/porn, but the commercialization of art and I interpreted the thoughts and opinions of others through the lens of the medium I most often express myself with, which is fanfiction.
let me be clear: i have no problem with smut - pwp or otherwise. people are allowed to write whatever they want, about whoever they want, with whatever tropes make them happy.
my overall focus (and granted it was probably very muddled by the end of those - what, like three reblogs?) was an interrogation of fanfiction as art, and the state of art in this modern era. and after doing some more thinking and listening to more people much smarter than me (thank you to everyone who dm-ed me directly to talk further about this), my opinion is thus: the creation of content (not art) is more ubiquitous today is not because we are getting more stupid as a society, not because of our failing attention spans, not because we are on the brink of moral collapse but because we physically do not have the mental strength to be intellectually curious as a direct result of constant, distracting, emotionally-draining stimuli.
i can explain what i mean below the cut with two primary examples, specifically regarding the shift in fanfiction cult, and yes, the prominence of smutty oneshots in the pedro pascal character fandom of which this blog is a part of.
I have been in various fandoms for almost twenty years. I have been writing fanfiction for almost that same amount of time. In recent years, I've noticed two trends that initially discouraged me, but that I now believe is a symptom of our adjustment to a modern, constantly online era.
A severe lack of engagement within the artistic artifacts of a fandom
The quality of the fanfiction itself (because yes I do consider fanfiction to be an artform) has gone down hill - mostly.
Lack of engagement:
Art is inherently created to be shared. This is especially true for fandom because the community lives or dies by how many people are interacting with each other and sharing ideas (news, theories, fanart, fanfic, etc). If you say a fandom is dead, it means there haven't been any new posts or fic about it in years. So I don't wanna hear it when people say, "oh write for yourself, you shouldn't be chasing engagement" because that is antithetical to the very concept of fanfiction.
In recent years, I have seen and experienced myself engagement in my work only so far as a like or kudo. This is not how it used to be. Message boards (yes I am that old) and niche fandom sites were constantly abuzz with media sharing and excitement, and everyone enjoyed some version of praise (unless you got hit by the antis but they're never fun anyway). Initially I blamed this drop in engagement on laziness: people just want the next thing, they can't be bothered to appreciate the hard work writers put in and they just see content and art as the same thing - stuff to consume.
But I myself am GUILTY of minimal reblogs and comments and I LOVE what I'm writing - the impact certain works leave me with is long, long lasting but for some goddamn reason, I can't sit down and praise the author's works. Am I lazy? Possibly, but this is also not an isolated behavior and it's on the rise: people do not have time to engage with fandom/fanfic like they used to. Most people I know have worked at least two or three jobs at some point in their lives to just to make rent. This gen z is the first generation in DECADES to be worse off economically than their parents. With an interest rate at 8%, who the fuck can afford the security of a home anymore? We work ourselves to the bone for scraps and the realization that The Dream has officially died. And so what do we want to do in the free time we do have? Engage with the very bare minimum. We want to read things that we can at best skim, things we don't have to think about or engage with in any meaningful way. We want a way to turn off the noise of the next apocalypse and sometimes the best we can do is the tap of a thumb.
Which brings me to my next point: what the fuck happened to thoughtful fanfiction?
But this question is inextricably linked to the points above: oneshots are easier to write, faster to write, and if you write fic that is basically "Mad libs porn" (without ever engaging in the actual medium because it is literally not released yet), you are doing the most minimal work for the most amount of engagement. But I can't fault ANYONE for doing that. It feels good to be told your smut is "so hot" or "this exploded my panties" and in this era where the time available to create is so fucking small and minimized of course you're going to write for the most popular character, whether or not you're interested in the source material because we want our art to matter to someone. Intellectual pundits loooove to lambast our "shorter attention spans" but fuck, when are we allowed the time to think - in between this "100 year storm" that's happened twice in the past five years, or the global pandemic that turned millions of deaths into a political punching bag, or the next video of a white woman crying wolf to the police over an innocent black man, or - or - or - or
In a day where reality and the world as we know seems to be holding onto a thread, we turn to comfort: comforting tropes (dbf to rape/kidnap fantasies), comforting fanfic (pwp), and comforting ways to engage with fandom. There is nothing wrong with wanting your art to be appreciated and there's nothing wrong with inherently wrong with pwp - but I do believe its symptomatic of a MUCH larger and more sinister movement within ALL art right now.
I come from the generation who banished fanfic authors for scrubbing off the filing numbers to their fics and publishing it as original content because, in our communities, they were selling out. Fanfiction is inherently an act of rebellion. Every time you write fanfiction you break canon, an established structure with its own rules and boundaries. So by trying to appeal to the masses, to curb your own writing to fit whatever is mainstream, you are doing a disservice to yourself AND to the art of fanfiction. If something you write becomes popular, wonderful, great, you are very lucky and there is nothing wrong with that either. But do not sell out your 13 beloved fans who WILL take the time to leave a comment, who WILL take the time to reblog because your weird little fic spoke to them on a fundamental level and now is with them for the rest of their lives - in favor of a 100 thumb taps.
If you've made it here, thank you very much for reading. I've added some links to some additional references to see how this concept of "populist" art is having a serious negative down turn in the quality of art, but is also not any one individuals personal failings:
Why the world is addicted to background tv by Kayleigh Day
How Modern Audience are failing cinema by Like Stories of Old
Rupi Kaur episode of Rehash podcast
I'm always here to talk fic and art and what makes you excited about your writing. Much love and please rest. We need you here.
#fandom#fandom thoughts#ppcu#populism#fanfiction#the state of art#the discussion of accessibility to art as form of intellectual gatekeeping was fucking fascinating on that podcast episode#rehash
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OCT 23 - REACTION SPEED The quickest to react. An untouchable man.
reaction speed!!! I found a screenshot of my skill cabinet from my first playthrough and I never gave this guy a single point. with motorics of 1. so I literally only heard from him when he was failing :) poor guy. He is wonderful though!!
what I *did* get was failing to catch the keys and them hitting harry in the eye. "Straight in the old eye-orb. In *the lookin' ball*!" has wormed its way into my vocabulary, right alongside *Quelle fuckin' surprise* from perception -- someday I'm going to say it out loud to someone by accident and it will be very weird :)
Also (pushes him at encyclopedia) thinking of those sneakers that give +1 reaction speed and -1 encyclopedia -- too fast for facts. go my whirlwind, attack
ok as always quotes under the cut!
reaction speeeed quotes
he takes on the role of like... volition 2.0. my precious guy. He yells at you to wait 30 times. that's double 2nd place! (though we haven't counted everyone yet -- but we're only missing 5)
REACTIONSPEED STOPS THE TRAIN SO YOU CAN GET OFF that is the variable name!! legendary difficulty. reaction speed ily
formidable check! he is fasttt he is doing his best
final dream :((( I think he is genuinely upset but this comes across as *so* passive aggressive lol
my silly guy
his little "there, you really showed her" is the only time he heals morale hgkhj dude NO
big one, but this reaction speed failure is *so* funny. it kills me that after a point RS stops bothering to even tell you it's not working.
we always love wonderful detective reaction speed of course, but the important part of this is how incredibly *early* in the game you can hear your name. This is talking to Klaasje as soon as you leave your room for the first time! Quite a lot of instances of the skills calling you by name have a check for if you've heard your name yet (and they will call you detective usually if not) so this was interesting.
alternatively, volition failing to stop reaction speed's need for questions!
also what's wrong with him :)
you tell harry, sweetie
look at my adhd son :)))
mheheheh also reaction speed confirmed compromised
swooshing around!!
reaction speed *not* wanting to go as fast as possible for once lol
hghkg
difficulty 16 godly reaction speed check!
love this, love that he knows that it's *right*
bad reaction speed :( also included the extremely sad inland line
lieutenant insights!
reaction speed no!
he's so eager hgsgk. he won't be tricked twice though!
thank you reaction speed, we really. needed you to say that.
:(
hilarious list of "something else"s you can think about. this game's dialogue, man...
look at them all nerding out over the pinball!!
ok that's 30. reaction speed my beloved.
#skilltober#de reaction speed#de encyclopedia#I guess#de skills#disco elysium skills#disco elysium#rev art
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Sweet Decadence || Part 1 of 2 || Bi-Han/Sub-Zero
A/n: This is the sequel to 'The Bitter Truth'. I have separated it into 2 parts for my reasons, but I want to thank those who read TBT and supported the story.
Please enjoy.
Warning(s): obsessive behavior, female reader, reader uses magic, kidnapping, fights, sequel, post-game.
No Minors Allowed!!
There is something magical about the rain that makes the colors of nature seem much more vivid to you. Though perhaps it is just the blissful mood you are in, altering your perception of things. A rare sight these days, considering how inconsistent your thoughts have been since your heated run-in with Bi-Han.
Hiding away in your room at the newly set up Shirai Ryu compound, you stare out at the forest beyond your balcony in a dazed state as the summer rain pelts the trees and earth.
It feels like nothing but a dream now, and to be honest, you sometimes yearn to close your eyes and return to that moment again. You do not want to be reminded of the past; of the anger and the betrayal that comes with it. No. You just want to remember the feeling.
He was right, that much is clear now.
“You are in denial. It's clear to me where your loyalty lies, and until you come to terms with the bitter truth, I'll leave you with that reminder.”
A phantom pain seizes you, but you ignore it. Just like your morals at the moment. No, you are not an idiot. You know what Bi-Han desires is immoral, but you can not put aside your sentiments for him; sentiments that became clear when he fucked you.
For fuck’s sake. That sounds bad.
It is true though. Not a day has gone by since then that you haven't thought about him; about the way he made you feel, unintentional or not.
Tilting your head back, you rest it against the doorframe and stare up at the ceiling with the sound of the rain in your ears. Your mind is a labyrinth and you do not necessarily care. This ebb and flow of thoughts proves that you have not yet lost your standards.
So long as you avoid Bi-Han in the future, you should be fine.
A sudden knock pulls you from your thoughts and you tilt your head to the side, glancing at the door to the far left of you.
“It's unlocked,” you announce.
A moment later, Harumi Shirai saunters in. You sit up to address her properly, but she raises her hand to stop you.
“There is no need for such formalities, not when it is I who came to see you.”
You grin.
“As the soon-to-be wife of my Grandmaster, it is indeed needed.”
It is strange to address Kuai Liang as Grandmaster, but after all that he has been through and done to build the Shirai Ryu, he deserves the title. He even found time for love.
Harumi offers you a kind smile.
“It is our secret.”
She wanders across the room and sits in front of your vanity.
“Are you faring well?”
You hum.
“For the most part.”
After you came back from the fortress you reported to Kuai Liang about your run-in with Bi-Han, though you opted not to mention the fact you fucked him. The brand he left was hard enough to explain, but it could not be avoided; you needed medical attention.
Kuai Liang viewed it as a failed attempt to lure you back to Lin Kuei, but it was apparent that he was curious about what dark agenda his brother had regarding you.
In truth, you should be dead for denying him.
“And your wound? I can have someone take a look at it if it still pains you,” Harumi mentions.
You decline her offer.
“Though appreciated, that is not necessary.” You subconsciously rest your hand against the brand on your side. “The pain went away months ago…yet it sometimes still burns.”
Harumi frowns.
“If it begins to bother you, I suggest you tell me.”
You snort. It is no wonder Kuai Liang loves her; she is considerate, yet stern.
“Yes, Madam.”
Harumi nods her head in approval and then stands.
“I will see you at lunch. You missed breakfast.”
You are aware. But you suppose that is what warranted this visit.
“The rain has put me in a strange mood,” you lie. “But I will be there.”
Harumi seems unsure, but she does not voice her concerns. Instead, she wishes you a good morning and leaves you to your thoughts again.
You understand. Kuai Liang and Tomas are worried about you. But it is not their problem, it is yours.
Your obsession with Bi-Han is yours to bear.
Shifting your eyes, you stare in a haze at the forest again. Perhaps soon this fixation will pass. For your sake, it had better.
–
At noon, you tear yourself away from the comfort of your bedroom, following the briny scent of fish to the dining room. A spread of rice and vegetables accompanies it, making your stomach twist in hunger.
Before you sit across from Tomas on the left side of the table, you bow in respect to Kuai Liang, who nods his head.
“I am pleased to see that you joined us.”
You grin and turn your eyes to Harumi beside him.
“I was encouraged to.”
Kuai Liang glances at her, then returns to his lunch. You follow suit, however, you notice that in attendance, there are only the four of you.
“Where are the others?” You ask as you pick up your drink.
“Running exercises,” Tomas answers. “Though some are spread out in the nearby villages.”
An unsure look from Kuai Liang makes you pause a moment. You raise a curious brow.
“What is it?”
The Grandmaster sighs.
“Nothing concerning as of yet…but we have heard rumors of hostiles.”
Hostiles. A neighboring clan perhaps. This is the first time you have heard about it, but you suppose the brothers have their reasons.
Focusing on your lunch, you hardly notice the injured ninja stumble in until he collapses to the floor in a bloody mess. In shock, you rush over to him, followed by Tomas who carefully checks over his wounds. He is in bad shape, but thankfully alive.
“Who did this?” Tomas asks in anger.
The ninja raises his trembling hand. You notice a thin metal plate in the palm of his hand and upon further inspection, you notice a familiar symbol etched into it. Your stomach churns in dread.
“Lin Kuei.”
Here of all places.
Tomas widens his eyes and takes the plate from you. He stands just as Kuai Liang approaches with a healer, handing the plate to him.
“Where?” Kuai Liang asks the injured man.
“W-West,” he manages to say.
Clutching the emblem in his hand, he shifts his eyes to Tomas.
“We shall go.”
Without a word, the latter rushes off. You feel a bit shaken, but despite this, you stand.
“Grandmaster–”
“If you are unwell, then stay and protect Harumi,” Kuai Liang interrupts.
You understand his concerns, but you can not just flee from the cryomancer’s shadow every time it threatens to consume you.
“I can fight.”
He gives you a nod and with a bow, you rush back to your room to change clothes. With your gear on, you retrieve your mask from the vanity, looking at yourself in the mirror. The sanguine look in your eyes is not something to be proud of.
A short while later, with the brothers in tow, you arrive in the village to the west. The earthy scent of petrichor mixed with death permeates the air. Multiple bodies are strewn across the dirt road, all Shirai Ryu. You find it strange. How is it that there are no Lin Kuei among them?
A scream echoes through the but before the three of you can move, a pair of Lin Kuei descends from the rooftops of the nearest house. Their appearances are unfamiliar.
“Is that armor?” You hear Tomas ask.
It is. Each of them is decked out in similar armor akin to what Sektor and Cyrax wear, albeit they are dressed in Lin Kuei colors. Why, though? What is Bi-Han thinking?
Another scream from the far side of the village rings out and Kuai Liang grunts irritably.
“We must aid those in need.”
You agree with a nod.
“I can take these two,” you suggest.
Tomas looks unsure but Kuai Liang seems to agree. He places a comforting hand on your shoulder.
“Be on guard.”
You nod. This should be no problem. You have dealt with the Lin Kuei before. Suits or no suits, it makes no difference. Tomas and Kuai Liang separate, leaving you alone with the two assassins.
“Two-on-one seems kind of unfair,” you state.
Neither of them comment. That's fine. You adjust the plates on your mask, then take a deep breath, releasing a sonic scream that should disorient the two. However, it has no effect.
What the hell?
One of them suddenly teleports behind you and kicks you in the side, knocking you to the ground. It feels as though you have been hit by a truck. And to make matters worse, the assassin struck you right where the brand is.
Fine. If they want to play rough.
You stand and take a fighting stance. The assassin lying in wait teleports behind you while the other aims a kick at your chest, but you manage to dodge them by shifting to the side. Grabbing the latter by the plates on their shoulders, you yank them off balance and use their momentum to sweep them off their feet.
Lying on their back, you raise your leg in an attempt to axe-kick them in the face, but the other assassin grabs you around the chest and holds you in place as the one on the ground stands. It lifts its hand and an intense heat sizzles from within. You can feel it on your skin.
It has a flamethrower.
You grunt in annoyance and lift your lower body, using your feet to push off the fire-wielding assassin, striking them hard in the face and chest. The one holding you falls back onto the ground from the force, giving you the chance to free yourself and roll into a squat above them.
Adjusting your mask again, you increase the volume of your voice. Then with a deep breath, you release a sonic scream point-blank into the assassin’s face. The metal vibrates at such a speed that it short-circuits, sending bolts of electricity shooting out. The smell that follows is nauseating. You wave away the plume of smoke that pours from the mask, but you are not given a moment to rest as the fire assassin shoots a jet of flames at you.
Barely able to escape its range, you roll out of the way and onto your feet. Heat licks at your leg, but you manage to put some distance between you and the assassin, hiding behind a house, before you put out the small flame.
These suits are no joke. You hope the brothers are faring better than you. It is like they were built to withstand your magic. You are not even certain there is anyone inside the suits. But how else are they moving?
When the flames stop, you dart out from behind the house, but to your shock, the assassin is gone. Before you can search for them, the whir of jet boosters catches your attention, and when you look up, you see a familiar warrior in red armor hovering above you.
“Sektor.”
What is she doing here?
“This is a sight, running into you like this,” she states. “I should be upset that you managed to demolish one of my suits, but there is always more room for improvement.”
You turn up your nose as you look at the smoking hunk of metal lying on the ground. So she is the one controlling them.
“Bi-Han let you make that thing?”
“The Grandmaster has thoughtfully embraced my ideas for the future,” Sektor states.
You snort.
“I'm sure he rewarded you well too. Tell me, does he like it when you spit or when you swallow?”
Sektor laughs.
“You are just as direct and spirited as ever. It’s too bad he considers you a waste.”
It shouldn’t have but her words make your blood boil. Your defiance must have switched the cryomancer’s opinion of you.
“Your potential is wasted with Kuai Liang.”
The brand he left on you felt spiteful, a mark of shame.
“Let's see who is the waste.”
You take a fighting stance but to your irritation, Sektor flies off toward the far end of the village. Where is she going? You tighten your jaw and chase after her. Her defeat will deal a massive blow to the Lin Kuei, should you catch her.
Chasing her around the side of a nearby house, you do not consider calling for backup. All that is on your mind is beating Sektor within an inch of her life. But as you cross in front of a side alley, something akin to a net shoots out and seizes you, knocking you hard to the ground.
You groan in pain, arching your back as the rock-littered street bites into your skin. What the hell? You struggle but the neon yellow net will not loosen.
“Do not fight it. The energy net will only grow tighter,” a feminine voice orders.
You tilt your head to the side to see a familiar figure in a yellow suit approach from the side alley.
“Cyrax. I should have known,” you sneer.
She is never far from Sektor. You did not think that in your pursuit of her, she would ambush you. It is irksome.
From above, Sektor flies by and then lands beside her. Both of them ignore your attempts to test the net.
“Are we done here?” Cyrax asks.
“I have all the data I need,” Sektor answers. She pauses, then motions with a finger toward you. “All that is left is dealing with our friend here.”
What is that supposed to mean?
Cyrax removes a spherical gadget from her chest plate and approaches you.
“This isn't personal,” she states, sounding as if she is about to put an end to you.
Leaning down, she yanks off your mask, much to your displeasure, and then presses a button on the side of the gadget.
So this is it. You sneer at her.
“Tell Bi-Han he can rot in hell.”
“You can tell him yourself,” Cyrax states.
Before you can figure out what she means, the device beeps and then pops open. From inside, a sweet colorless odor sprays out and consumes you. Instantly your throat tickles, making you break out into a fit of coughs. You attempt to hold your breath but it does no good. Whatever the gas is, its fast-acting properties take effect and everything fades to black.
#mortal kombat fandom#bi han mk1#mortal kombat fanfiction#bi han x reader#female reader insert#mortal kombat 1 fanfiction#Spotify
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A view of each MBTI type by an INTJ:
Saw a few of these lately so why not? Lol
___
INTJ: My type and the best type obviously. Kidding. Not really. Healthy/mature ones are interesting and helpful, nice and easy to talk to. I've noticed immature ones try a little too hard to seem edgy and cool to fit into the "cold" INTJ stereotype when that's not a flex at all. I think a lot of us are impatient and stubborn too.
ENTJ: Often driven and motivated individuals who put in a lot of effort into what they do. I admire their hardworking nature. I've unfortunately come across a very unhealthy one before who was quite possessive and narcissistic. I did not have to deal with them personally, but a few of my friends did and their horror stories of that ENTJ will probably be stuck with me forever.
INTP: Their minds are...unique. I wonder what goes on in there. Such weird yet interesting individuals. Sometimes a bit rude, unintentional or not. My younger sister is one and I have to resist the urge to fight with her a lot lmao, but maybe that's just us being siblings.
ENTP: Love them. ENxPs in general 🤌🤌. I've never come across a boring ENTP. Often so chaotic. Never fail to make me laugh. I can have the funnest conversations with them. So witty.
INFJ: One of my best friends is one and it's kinda funny how similar yet different we both are. Ni dom things I guess. Other INFJs I've observed seem to have a lot of patience and kindness. Genuinely have a good heart and want the best for others.
ENFJ: I've only met two personally. Can be funny and witty, really approachable people. Both are very loyal and care a lot about their families, they carry a lot of responsibilities for others. Do not like to show their struggles, will probably mention it briefly before changing the subject.
INFP: Probably my least favorite type due to having bad experiences with them. Unhealthy ones can be so whiney and pathetic. Always want to cry and complain but never actually do anything about it. Can burst emotionally without warning. They can be so exhausting to deal with. I'm not gonna automatically hate you if you're an INFP though, that's just stupid lol, but I will be wary. I only have one INFP friend for now and likely because she's a lot older than me, she's much calmer and more considerate compared to the previous INFPs I've encountered.
ENFP: Some weirdos fr but I love it. Always so talkative and excited. Why are you guys lowkey kinda sad though 😭
ISTJ: I haven't come across any irl yet, but a few of my favorite fictional characters are ISTJs. One of my fav kpop idols as well. Not really sure where the boring stereotype comes from as I think ISTJs are quite nice.
ESTJ: I don't think I've met any yet and have typed a few idols as an ESTJ. I know they get a bad rep, but I honestly just think it stems from ESTJ's tendency to be direct, no bs, which can be intimidating/overwhelming for people. They can be really weird and silly only if they're comfortable.
ISFJ: I don't know any ISFJs irl, but seeing ISFJ idols/celebrities, they're just usually nice and kind people. Quiet but do enjoy being with others.
ESFJ: Honestly think my other best friend may be one 🤔 I do think she has a high Fe for sure. They seem to care the most about their presentation and other's opinions of them.
ISTP: I've only met one and they were okay. Pretty chill and had immense "idgaf" energy. But that attitude was also what made them a bit unlikeable as it extended to having a disregard for feelings and morals. Nobody's perfect, but I don't think it's that difficult to have common human decency. I do like a few ISTP characters and celebrities though.
ESTP: One of my older siblings is one and we get along fine. She has a good eye for aesthetics. Her and other ESTPs I've seen don't really seem to be super serious people, they're just trying their best to enjoy life. Adventurous and open minded. Can't seem to stay still.
ISFP: Have only met a few irl and I've also typed several kpop idols as one. From what I've seen, they are a lot calmer compared to INFPs. They're quite passionate but more realistic individuals though, always going for what they want (likely due to aux Se). Also quite blunt lol but it does not top IxTP's honesty.
ESFP: Have not met any irl yet, but from observing an ESFP I follow and ESFP celebrities, I like their straightforwardness. Passionate and expressive. Funny.
#mbti#typology#cognitive functions#myers briggs type indicator#myers briggs#enneagram#intj#entj#intp#entp#infj#enfj#infp#enfp#istj#estj#isfj#esfj#istp#estp#isfp#esfp#i may or may not have a slight grudge against infps jk#my ennea 3 jumped out with the intj note whoops
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I'm glad I don't look in the tag like the shit that passes my dash is like stuff I know, and then Mikoto being hypersexualized on a bimonthly basis with the implied impression that it's fine as long as it's a male being sexualized. I have no stake in it one way or the other. If that's fun to some, it's just fun, and I'm certain other characters are sexualized just as much in different circles. Maybe I'm just lucky enough not to have seen that.
Yet that again would be due to people recognizing subconsciously or not that hypersexualizing certain characters of the cast is problematic on some level. I don't see this sort of discussion as often around Yuno despite the content within her music videos. I don't see it around Mahiru or Kotoko as much either. This is excluding every other character that was a child when Milgram started all together.
This may sound like a complaint or a dig at this fandoms ethics, but it isn't because literally most fandoms treat male characters like this. This isn't something the Milgram fanbase created or anything it's quite common.
It's why Persona 5 wrote those story beats around Ryuji how they did- Because when sexual harrassment happens to a man in fiction it's comedy when it happens to a woman in fiction it's either horror or very notably a moral failing on the one doing it. Or maybe again I've just gotten lucky and haven't read a lot of egregious shit in that regard.
The way all fandom tends to hypersexualize men in general is a byproduct of how the sexual issues of men are discussed in media and ignorance. The same as it is when it comes to hypersexualization and caricaturing of female characters past and present as well. I don't want this to come off as me saying being overly sexualized is a male issue alone. Because it's not. This is a very reductionist explanation of sexualization in media, something that affects all genders differently.
There's much more to it than what I'm saying here. Plus, not everyone does this with the intent of demeaning a character or reducing them to their sexual appeal alone. Some people just find a design sexy or aesthetically appealing that's pretty reasonable. Displaying why that is- is reasonable as well.
However, when that is put alongside comments like "I'd never judge a female character like this, of course, I have some class." It starts to make me raise an eyebrow just a bit. Like, I end up wondering like um why not though?
Hate to be openly pansexual (no i don't this is hyperbole) but um, women are hot, lol. What does no one else think so? Is it bad to point out the features of the Milgram women too. I'm sorry but Mahiru is hot she dresses well and homely she has a decent figure and she is not lacking in the chest department.
It really comes down to preference at the end of the day. Am i going to sit here and say Mikoto looks average? No, like Mikoto, Kazui, Mahiru, and Shidou are all genuinely attractive and can be somewhat charismatic people. Ya know something that a good few murderers are. That's kind of the point of them being the adults of the group.
They are the end result of everyone here younger than them and are more than likely the best at what they do.
Outside of that, it would be weird of me to hold anybody to a certain standard when it comes to what they're attracted to in fiction. Unless they are romanticizing a criminal act or a child. Gotta make that really clear. Since that isn't really occurring here, it is kind of free game. Go nuts, really.
I just find it interesting that everything a person would ethically have an issue with someone doing to a character that's a woman has been done to Mikoto with reckless abandon.
From hyperfocusing on the measurements of his body, overtly sexualizing him regardless of how covered up he is, making assumptions about his romantic or sexual preferences. It's like everything that would make anyone rightfully a creep if they did it to a woman whether that be in real life or in fiction has been done to this one fictional dude to the point it technically happens in cycles. I can tell when a month has ended based on if this man's body is being talked about sometimes, and I shouldn't be able to do that at any time.
It's impressive. I need to note again that I'm not saying this because I'm a prude or to protect Mikoto's very nonexistent innocence. It's just a funny and interesting double standard to look into within any fandom, not just this one. I know it's all in good fun, and this isn't meant to call it out or anybody in any way.
It's just meant to be me going,
"Hey, this is a funny thing that hasn't really been questioned that much that actually ties into other writing tropes in media that are pretty bad. Let's talk about it."
Even if it is not that deep.
Personally, I've always found it interesting as daughter of a guy that suffered interpersonal partner violence and being raised in a community where the sexual assault of both men and women is prominently discussed to see how men and women are sexualized not only in media but by fanbases. Of course, I'm way more interested in this when it comes to black people. However, when a good example of the differences is sitting right in front of me, it's hard to overlook it.
Better excuse, though- Mahiru is hot, too! Maybe stop talking about how she's delusional and instead discuss how she had low confidence and rejection sensitivity. Causing her to not understand what she was doing was too much for the situation as well as made it difficult for her to let the fact that she was not accepted by someone she liked go. Similarly to Mu.
Like maybe this line from This Is How To Be In Love With You deserves a bit more focus,
"What do you think? I know it's not the type of question you want to be asked."
A common question for one to ask their partner about the outfits they put on.
Or this one in I Love You,
"Sigh... No appetite, I can’t sleep, my hair’s a mess. What am I supposed to do now? If you won’t tell me, I can’t be me."
I'm not hungry, I can't sleep, and worst of all- I'm not even looking good right now. Yeah fuck it actually this is a Mahiru appreciation post now that woman served this community several different outfits and this bastard only gave two fuck Mikoto stop complimenting this man for his cycling body.
Yeah, he's fit. We know! The man bikes to work to stay in shape and practices swinging a bat when angry.
But guess what-
Mahiru jogs, and she even has a cute jogging outfit. We've never even seen this man on a bike. Let alone in a cycling outfit.
Q.04 Are you picky when it comes to fashion?
Mikoto: Of course I am. Nobody would want to ask for anything from an unfashionable designer, right?
Oh, you're picky huh. People wouldn't ask for anything from an unfashionable designer, yeah... So, why does Mahiru Shiina's first music video look like a fashion catalogue-
While all we see from you is you putting your clothes where they belong,
Sorry, I got heated there. It's not a fashion competition because we clearly know who would win that. Long story short, Mahiru has a cute design too.
#gunsli rambles#this literally isn't about anything other than going appreciate Mahiru too which Mikoto appreciation is fair of course#but damn i hear about this mans body too much other people have bodies#more like local introvert goes clothes shopping for an hour and realizes how much effort goes into styling oneself
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Apologies in advance if this comes off as rude- I just can't figure out how to word it right.
What is the point of getting diagnosed with ADHD or anything similar as an adult? How did it help you?
I strongly believe that I have either ADHD, autism, OCD or some combination of them. (Or possibly even something else I haven't considered. The one thing I'm certain of is that something is Off with me) But I feel like it's too late, since I really needed to be diagnosed as a child and have specialized assistance to help with my schoolwork and train me in coping mechanisms to help with my adult life.
But now I feel like it's too late to do anything because I've already spent my entire life unconsciously masking and having to do 5x the work just to appear "normal" and I believe it's too late to unlearn these things that have been hardwired into my personality my entire life. The one place that would've been beneficial to have a diagnosis is school, but I'm out of school and I don't plan on going back.
You would think work would be the one place that having a diagnosis would actually help, but the management at my job is very toxic and I feel like they would take advantage of my new diagnosis. Even though that is not legal, I fully believe management would find a way to fuck with me or take advantage of me without making it obvious.
There is a small part of me that would like to be diagnosed just to have the satisfaction of being like "holy shit I KNEW there was something wrong with me" but that satisfaction would last like 10 seconds and then wtf do I do?
(I don't know why I was never diagnosed as a child. My mom has several stories that clearly illustrate classic neurodivergent symptoms and regularly nags at me for being "difficult" for never showing emotions, having aversion to too many textures, not picking up on social cues, being too agitated by unwanted noises yet never put 2 and 2 together)
A couple thoughts: I was diagnosed at 34, but had no clue until that point. A diagnosis helped me understand many things about myself, both past and present. As a kid I was constantly humiliated for my symptoms by parents and peers. Now I can look back and know I was doing my best, even though I was diagnosed "lazy" and "bad" and "ungrateful" by my parents. I'd chalked my school difficulties, social problems, and uncoordinated body up to a moral failing. Now I understand so much more.
On the more practical side I started taking stimulant medication. Everything got easier. In therapy I started to understand what's my CPTSD and what's neurodivergence (and what's both!). I have gained tremendous self understanding. It helps me navigate the world with less discomfort.
I've also been going to group and individual DBT therapy for the past 7 months. So much of DBT is aimed at trauma survivors and neurodivergent people. It helps bring your awareness to unhelpful thought patterns and gives you practical tips on how to snap out of an obsessive thought or sensory overload state.
tl;dr Medical help is available to you in many forms once you receive a diagnosis. I'd much rather know. It's shaped my understanding of myself both past and present. I've never regretted getting tested. As a matter of fact tomorrow I have my 1st round of Bipolar testing. Know thyself!
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AITA for cooking meth with my former chemistry student, killing two people, and lying to my family about it?
I (50M) was recently diagnosed with inoperable, likely fatal lung cancer. I work at a highschool as a chemistry teacher, but both the pay and the students are terrible. Case in point, my "lab partner" (24M) - who we'll call "Cap'n" because of course he'd insist on a stupid nickname like that - not only completely flunked my class, but then went on to skip college entirely and become a meth-addicted drug dealer instead.
Understandably, I was a little shaken after receiving my diagnosis. It came as a surprise since I've never smoked, I keep myself in relatively fair health, etc. (Recently my wife has taken to vegan bacon- apparently it helps lower cholesterol, but I digress.) I haven't told my family about the situation yet; I'm still trying to figure out how to "let the cat out of the bag", not to mention I doubt my wife will take it very well.
As for deciding to try cooking methamphetamine, well. I'm not really sure how to explain it, exactly, but there's a lot of money in it, money that would benefit my family, and I don't have much to lose anymore. This may sound cliche, but it's as though I'm really awake for the first time in my life.
Cap'n and I formed a partnership by circumstance only; I found out he was in "the business" and offered to either turn him into the DEA or work with me, and he naturally took the second option. He had no idea what he was doing on the chemistry side of things - chili powder in the meth! applying heat to an Erlenmeyer flask! no wonder I flunked him, he clearly learned nothing in my class - but does know the trade.
(Note: Don't buy all of your supplies from the same store.)
Sorry, I'm getting too far into the weeds here, let me skip ahead. We purchased a trailer and drove out to somewhere in the middle of the desert to cook without added attention or need for dramatic cleanup if we had to leave the area in a hurry. Our first batch was, according to Cap'n, "pure glass." After all of that complaining, I had cooked the finest product he'd ever seen on the first try! Goes to show paying attention in school does pay off, ahem. In case any of you were reading this and thinking of skipping off to go and make highly illegal substances and risk years in prison instead of doing your homework. You all still have your entire lives ahead of you. I don't.
After making it, the next logical course of action was to sell. Cap'n said he had some connections - I mean, he is a drug dealer, I saw no reason not to trust him (I now see how little sense that makes.) - and came back with two men with guns pointed at both of us. You must understand, it was a kill or be killed situation. These are the kind of people who don't care about morals, or what's right or ethical or kind. If they'd lived... not just me, but my wife, my son, and my entire family would all be in serious, mortal danger. I had no choice.
Cap'n by this point had been knocked out cold- still alive, but entirely unhelpful with the situation at hand. I was on my own. So I offered to show the goons how I made the "glass", surely they wanted to see how it was done? And they did- I still can't believe that actually worked. But, ah, instead of actually cooking anything, I gave them... let's call it a chemistry lesson. When significant heat is applied to red phosphorus - a key ingredient in Cap'n and I's "extracurricular science project" - it oxidizes. Your result is phosgene gas, highly deadly, hence the "killing two people." One... technically isn't dead yet- somehow he managed to survive, I still don't fully understand how, but I'm... I'm working on it. Cap'n still has yet to get rid of the first body, so... technically I'm not failing to withhold my share of the cleanup, since he hasn't done so with his.
I realize now this is very long, but I wanted to explain the context for my actions. However, a tl;dr for those who might be in a hurry: I was diagnosed with terminal lung cancer, so with nothing else to lose decided to try to make some money for my family by cooking and selling methamphetamine. Coincidentally, a former student of mine was also in the business, and I convinced him to work with me. When we tried to put our product on the market, two people tried to kill us, so I acted in self-defense.
But I really, really must know... is what I did wrong? Should I have been content to live the rest of however-long-I-have-left working a miserable job as a public high school chemistry teacher instead? Should I have found a less fatal way of dealing with the two men who tried to kill me and my partner? AITA?
P.S. It's pretty late as I'm typing this so I might've made some errors in coherency or grammar, for which I apologize.
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