#but my dad decided to tell me things this afternoon that have changed everything

[immortalsins]

going from my irrational fear of my dad dying whilst he worked abroad when i was young -> to actually being scared he'll kill himself when i return to uni

[samaraannhan20]

Spencer Reid Imagine: You Have an Audience

A/N: I tried to make this timeline accurate, but after a while I realized it wasn’t and I didn’t want to change it, so just know that this does not necessarily fit the timeline of the show. In my head I was envisioning season 8 Spencer. 

“Hey hun?” I call out from the bathroom where I am standing in the bathroom getting ready for bed. Spencer is right out the door in the bedroom, and I hear him close his book and get up to come walk to where I am. When he reaches the doorway he stops.

“Yeah sweetheart?”

“I don’t have work on Friday. I could bring you lunch that day,” I tell him, turning to him as I put moisturizer on.  

“You want to risk your dad finding out if you come in?” he asks, with concern written on his face.

“I swear he said something about not being at work the other day,” I say, pausing and grabbing my tooth brush while thinking back on my conversations with my dad the last few days. He kisses the top of my head and then goes back to the bed to lay down and read his book. As I stand there scrubbing my teeth I realize what he had said. 

“Mhe faid bhe las la pate hat ay!” I exclaim, rushing into the bedroom with my toothbrush hanging from my mouth. Spencer drops his book and laughs as he looks at me standing there looking like a madman. 

“What?” he asks when he stops laughing. I hold my finger up and walk into the bathroom, rinse my mouth out, shut off the light, and go lay down in the bed. I curl up next to Spencer before repeating my sentence. 

“He said he has a date with Krystall that day at lunch, so he shouldn’t be in the office when I bring you lunch. But I can call Penny tomorrow to double check,” I say, before closing his book and taking it from him, tossing it onto my night stand. “Let’s go to bed though. I have a full day tomorrow, after having parent-teacher conferences at the beginning of the week.”

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I shove a bite of leftovers in my mouth as I pick up the phone and call Penny

“Hey Pen!” I say as Penny picks up the call. 

“Hey little Rossi! What’s up?” 

“Do you know if my dad is going to be at the BAU during lunch tomorrow? I was wanting to bring Spence lunch because I don’t have school, but I want to make sure my dad won’t be there.”

“Y/N! You guys still haven’t told him?” she questions. 

“No. We decided the other day that we were going to tell him after our six months next week. We never doubted that we would stay together, but we wanted to be able to show it was serious before we told him. Because if we had just gotten together when we told him… well,.”

“He’d lose his cool and make you break up. Right,” she replies with a small chuckle. 

“Yeah. So, he told me he would be on a date at lunch tomorrow, but before I commit to bringing Spence lunch I want to make sure he will actually be gone. And not only do you know everything, but I know he has to fill out a thing saying he’s going to be out. Which I still think is weird since it’s just lunch, but I guess it makes sense if there’s a chance he won’t be back before his lunch break is over.”

“Y/N you just rambled so hard. Let me look real quick sweet pea,” she says, and I hear her start typing away. “Yep,” she says after a second. “Looks like he will be gone for lunch tomorrow. You should be good to go.”

“Awesome, thanks Pen! Do you want a dessert or anything when I come in?” 

“You know I do. Just bring me something from wherever you wind up getting takeout. I’m not picky about my desserts,” she says with a small laugh. 

“Great. Thanks again Penny! I’ll see you tomorrow afternoon.”

“Okay! I’ll send an email downstairs warning them that you are coming. Bye!” she responds, and I say thanks and bye and then hang up the phone. 

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“I overheard your dad asking Penny why you were coming in at lunch tomorrow,” Spencer says to me as we sit at my kitchen table eating dinner later that night. 

“Oh crap,” I say around my bite of crab rangoon. “What did she say?” I respond after finishing chewing. 

“She said you were bringing her lunch and hanging out for a bit. At which point he told her to keep you there until he got back from lunch with Krystall because he hasn’t seen you in a few weeks,” he says, shooting me a look that says more than his words did.

“I know. It is bad for me to not see him for so long, but I knew that if I saw him in person he would ask me why I seem so happy and I would immediately spill about our entire relationship because I have no backbone,” I tell him, standing up and taking my half full plate over to the counter and grabbing the saran wrap , wrapping my leftovers up. 

“You’re done already?” he asks from where I left him at the table, and I don’t say anything, just nodding and then walking over to the couch and sitting down, grabbing my kindle and turning it on. I sit there silently, not even reading, just staring off into space with tears slowly falling down my face. 

I hear Spencer stand up and push his chair in a few minutes later, and then I hear him walk over to me. He leans down and presses a kiss to the top of my head. He walks around the couch, setting something down on the side table before lifting my feet up and resting them on his lap as he sits down. 

“What’s wrong?” he asks, taking my kindle out of my hands and setting it next to whatever he had placed on the table, and then pulling me even closer to him by my legs. 

“I feel so guilty for keeping so many secrets from him. I mean he didn’t even really know my half sister, and yet they’ve formed a relationship like ours is. Or I guess used to be. When I was a kid and my mom decided she didn’t want me around anymore and sent me to live with him we built such a great relationship. And throughout high school it stayed great. And then I moved out for college and we spent less time together, and he got back together with Krystall, and I had moments where I felt her daughter and Joy were replacing me. 

“Which I told him about and we fixed it and things were great again. I graduated, got a teaching job nearby, and we were great. I would spend so many nights having dinner with him, or with him and Krystall. I would go with him to visit Joy. He knew everything there was to know about me, I told him everything,” I say, wiping a tear off my face as I finish my speech. 

“And then you got together with me,” Spencer says quietly. I nod, allowing another tear to fall down my face, wiping it off and then I reach out and grab Spencer’s hand.

“I don’t want you to think I regret you. Because that is the last thing I am thinking or feeling. However, I am having extended amounts of anxiety about him finding out before we tell him. I don’t think that he won’t approve, because he knows how amazing you are, you’ve been friends for so long. He sees you as a son already, and not just because you’re with his kid and probably going to be family one day,” I say, the last sentence slipping out of my mouth so easily. I knew the comment wouldn’t bother Spencer, because even though we have only been together for a little less than six months we have had the conversation already, and we both feel that we are it for each other. “But the reality we have to think about is the fact that we do have a sizable age difference, which he is not going to just let go. And he’s not going to be happy we kept it a secret for three months. And he probably won’t be happy about…” and before I can finish the last sentence Spencer cuts me off. 

“Okay listen. First of all, in the long run, I’m only eight years older than you. Which isn’t bad. It just seems longer because I graduated from everything so early. And because when we met I was working with your dad and you were still in college. Yes, I’m 32 to your 24, but you have more dating experience than I do, because you went to college in your late teens and early twenties, not when you were 12. And as for the keeping it a secret for three months, I think over time he will understand why we did that. I mean he kept getting back together with Krystall from you for a good amount of time. How long was it again?”

“Like almost a year,” I say with a small laugh. 

“Exactly my point. He’ll get over it,” he says, and takes my hand, pressing a small kiss to the top of it. “Now, if you’re done freaking out, I brought your food over for you. I know you weren’t actually done, that you were just anxious,” he says, reaching over to the side table, grabbing the plate and handing it to me. As I take the plate from him I lean forward pressing a kiss to his lips. 

“I love you. And I appreciate you so much. I wouldn’t want anyone else to know me so well,” I tell him, before pulling away and immediately popping a bite of food into my mouth.

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“Y/N, I didn’t realize you were coming in for lunch today,” Aaron says as I carry the to-go bag full of food over to the kitchenette in the BAU. 

“Yeah, I had the day off,” I say with a small smile as I put things down. 

“Well, I’m assuming it’s for Penny, since your dad is out for lunch with Krystall today,” he says with a knowing smile on his face. 

“Oh man. You know everything don’t you,” I say with a groan, sitting down at the table in the small kitchen area. 

“Yeah. Turns out I am pretty good at my job,” he responds with a smile. “Don’t worry, I won’t tell your dad anything until you and Spencer decide to. Also, I know my opinion isn’t really the one that matters, but I think you and Spencer are a good match,” he says, patting my shoulder before walking away. I put my face in my hands and groan, before getting up and walking over to Spencer’s desk. I sit down in his chair and spin around in it, glancing around the rest of the room. Before too long I hear voices begin to drift into the room. 

“Wow it smells good in here,” I hear Derek say as he walks in the room. He spots me before Spencer does, and I watch as a mischievous smile comes over his face. “Hey baby, come to bring me lunch?” he says, walking over to me and picking me up from Spencer’s chair, spinning me around before setting me on the floor and placing a loud kiss on my cheek. 

“In your dreams Morgan,” I say with a laugh, walking around him to Spencer. I fling myself at him as soon as I get close enough. “Hey babe,” I say, stretching my face up to his for a quick kiss. He mumbles a hello, and I unwrap myself from him and take his hand, dragging him over to the table. “I got Italian. I was craving some chicken alfredo,” I tell him as I sit down next to him and start pulling the food out of the bag. He chuckles and helps me unload the bag, before sitting down next to me. 

We sit and eat our food together, making small talk, and talking to his coworkers everytime they come up to the table we’re sitting at. 

“Hey teacher lady,” Penny says to me as she sits down next to me with her lunch in her hands. 

“Hey Pen,” I say, leaning over and giving her a hug. “So you told my dad I was bringing you lunch?” I ask with a small smile.

“It seemed like the best answer. Unless you wanted me to out your relationship,” she says with a shrug and a sly smile. 

“Thanks Pen. Always thinking on the fly.” She shrugs again and digs into her lunch. I hand her the dessert I got her and she thanks me with a small smile.  “Did he tell you when he would be back?” I ask her after a minute or two of the three of us eating in silence. 

“No. Sometimes it's a longer lunch and sometimes it’s shorter. Depends on when Krystall has plans next.” I nod in understanding, and then turn my attention to Spencer. 

“Do we have plans for dinner tonight?” 

“Not any specific ones. It’s Friday though so I thought I could order some type of take-out for us and we could watch a movie,” he says and I nod.

“Ooh can we rent that new rom-com? I know they aren’t your favorite but I’m in the mood for one. We can watch that and then a foreign film for you,” I say, hoping the foreign film will get him to say yes. 

“We don’t also have to watch a foreign film,” he says with a small laugh and shake of his head. “We can watch that new movie. I don’t have a problem with it,” he says, leaning over and kissing the top of my head. I look up at him and smile, before pulling him closer and placing a kiss on his lips.

“Aww, you guys sicken me,” Penny says in a baby voice, and I laugh, flipping her the bird and then kissing Spencer again. “Um, Y/N,” she says when I pull away from Spencer again, and I turn and look at her, not even registering the nervousness on her face.  

“What Penny?” I ask with a small smile on my face, my smile growing bigger when Spencer pulls my chair closer to his and wraps his arm around me. “You have an audience,” she says in a whisper, pointing behind us. I sit up straight and glance at Spencer, grabbing his hand in mine, before hearing the tell-tale clearing of my father’s throat. 

“I am not turning around,” I whisper, my hands starting to shake as I realize who exactly is standing in the doorway of the BAU. “He can’t do anything if I don’t even turn and look at him,” I say even quieter than before. Spencer squeezes my hand, looking down at his food, and Penny’s eyes keep darting from him to me and then back again, with a dart of her eyes to my dad every few seconds. We sit there in awkward silence, me refusing to move, for what feels like a century. 

“There’s no case today, and my paperwork is all done. We could do this stand off all day long,” I hear from my father after probably a minute has passed. “Or, you could stand up and walk with me to my office.” I flinch, looking over at Spencer, and then at Penny. Penny scrambles to gather her food, and walks with her head down past my father, mumbling a small good luck to me as she leaves. Spencer squeezes my hand, and I nod my head in defeat, standing up. Spencer stands up with me, pulling me into a hug.

“Nothing he says matters,” he whispers to me as we hug. “I love you and you love me and that is what matters. Nothing else,” he says, and then places a kiss on the top of my head and lets me go. I nod again, and then turn my body and stiffly begin to walk to my father’s office. I hear him begin to follow me, but not before I hear what he says to Spencer.

“You’re next. My office in twenty minutes,” he says, and I can’t even bring myself to look over my shoulder at Spencer, instead choosing to continue walking to my father’s office. 

As I enter my father’s office I immediately sink into the couch he has sitting on one wall, covering my face with my hands. It isn’t long before he walks in, and I hear him turn one of the chairs sitting at his desk to look at me. He sits down silently, not saying a word for at least two minutes. After what feels like a century of sitting in silence, he finally speaks up. 

“I’m not mad. I know you think I am, but I’m not,” he says, and I let my hands drop from my face, looking at him. 

“What?” I ask, shock evident in my voice. 

“I mean I was mad a month ago when I figured it out, but I’m not mad anymore,” he says, a small smile coming across his face. 

“A month?” I whisper, confusion written across my face as I try to figure out how he knew a month ago.

“You aren’t as sneaky as you think. A little over a month ago I drove over to your apartment because it had been awhile since we spent any time together, so I wanted to see if you wanted to get dinner together. When I pulled up to your building, I saw Spencer’s car outside. At first I thought it was a coincidence, that maybe he was seeing someone else in your building, so I parked and headed in. Your doorman let me in because he knew I was your dad,” he said, and I immediately remembered which night he was talking about, because Mark had told me he had sent my dad up, but because I never heard him knock I chalked it up to Mark getting mixed up over which tenant’s dad went up.

“So I went up to your apartment. When I got there, I knocked, but I guess you didn’t hear me. I stood in the hallway and waited, but I could hear you talking to someone. Being the profiler that I am, I leaned on your door and listened to the voices, trying to make sure you weren’t in trouble, because you hadn’t told me you were dating any one person, or even that you were going on dates. And then I heard him,” he says, and I immediately remember what he had heard. 

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Flashback:

“What are you going to tell your dad when you’re out of town next weekend?” Spencer asked me as I stood in the kitchen chopping vegetables. I pause my cutting, thinking I heard a knock at the door, but then determine it was just my knife hitting the cutting board and start up again.  

“That I’m going on a trip with a few of my fellow teachers at work. But I also will only have to tell him if you guys don’t get called on a case. If you do it won’t matter because I won’t be going anywhere,” I tell him with a shrug. 

“I mean you could still go,” Spencer says, and I stop what I’m doing to turn and look at him. 

“For one, I’m not going on a couples trip to a spa without you. And for two, you’re a profiler. You should know how dangerous it is for women to travel on their own,” I tell him, crossing over to him. 

“I know, but I still think you deserve a weekend away. I know the stress of not telling your dad has been weighing on you. You need a weekend at a spa.”

“Yeah, but it wouldn’t be fun without the man I love,” I say, and stretch up to place a kiss on his lips. 

“I love you,” he says in response, and then pulls me in again. When we pull away again he smirks at me. “How hungry are you?” he asks, and I laugh and take his hand, dragging him into my bedroom. Neither of us noticed the shadow of feet under the door as we walked by it. 

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“You heard us talking about the spa trip,” I whisper looking at the ceiling as I calculate just how much he may have heard. 

“Yeah. I finally decided it was time to stop eavesdropping when I heard you walk towards your room. I went down to the lobby, waved bye to your doorman, and left. I was pretty angry so I didn’t text you or call you to let you know I had been by. I went home, and told Krystall everything that I had heard. I wanted to get right back in my car and go over to your apartment and yell at you, but she talked me out of it. She reminded me that you would tell me when you were ready. I expected it to be within the next week, but then you still didn’t, and before I knew it it was past the time where it would be acceptable for me to bring up the fact that I knew. So I decided to wait until you were ready to let me know,” he says, and the way he sits back after he finishes shows me that he’s done. 

“We were going to tell you next week. Next week is our six month anniversary, and we were waiting to tell you until after that,” I say, looking at him to see his reaction to knowing just how long we had been hiding this from him. He doesn’t show much of one, so I continue. “I wanted to be able to prove that we were serious about each other before I told you. I knew you would wind up thinking it was just a fling and it would change your work relationship with him if you knew before it had been a while.” 

“Honey, from the moment I realized something had changed about you, I knew whatever it was was either a forever kind of thing or something that was going to put you in the hospital if it ended. I never would have thought it was just a fling between the two of you,” he says, standing up and coming to sit next to me on the couch. I scoot over and wrap my arms around him. 

“I just didn’t want you to be disappointed,” I tell him, tears welling up in my eyes as he wraps his arms around me. 

“I never would be,” he whispers, placing a kiss on my forehead.  We sit together in silence for a few minutes, before a knock comes from the door, and the door pushes open less than ten seconds later. 

“Sir, I love your daughter,” Spencer says as he steps foot in the room and closes the door behind him, not looking at the two of us as he does so. I laugh a watery laugh, and my dad kisses me on the forehead once more before pulling back and standing up. 

“I know you do,” he says as he walks over to where Spencer is standing. Spencer looks at him confused, and then looks at me and sees the tears falling down my face. He moves to walk over to me, but I hold my hand up and motion towards my dad. 

“Rossi, I don’t know what she has told you so far, but I want you to know that I love her more than anything, and I plan to one day marry her,” Spencer says, looking at my dad. My dad chuckles at Spencer and holds out his hand.

“Welcome to the family then Reid.”

[collapsedglasshouses]

Hi! You're so cute 😍 I'd like to request a noah x pregnant reader! I'll leave all the details to you!

A/N: AAAAAAH! Sooo first of all... Thank you for calling me cute! I blushed a little ngl... But thank you even more for requesting! (you are my first request ever lmao) Please keep in mind, I am a childless woman and I would like to keep it that way, so I'm not that into pregnancy and baby stuff, BUT I wanna try different things! I did my best and I hope you like it!

Pairing: Noah Sebastian x pregnant!reader

Warnings: pregnancy, angst, fwb, mentions of sexual intercourse, let me know if i missed something

⨯ . ⁺ ✦ ⊹ ꙳ ⁺ ‧ ⨯. ⁺ ✦ ⊹ . * ꙳ ✦ ⊹

You first met Noah about four years ago. You were at a bar with your friends in Los Angeles and the guys just happen to stop there after a show they played.

You had no idea who they were but Noah caught your attention since you definitely had a type for tall guys with tattoos and long hair.

To your surprise, he was pretty shy at first, but it didn't take long (about one and a half beers and a lot of small talk) for you two to seemingly ripping of each others clothes, just with your eyes.

Let's just say the night was pretty eventful.

That night, when you reached your apartment together, not giving each other a second without touching each other, you were sure, when you woke up the next day, he would be gone for good and you would never see him again, but you couldn't have been more wrong. When you opened your eyes, his arm was wrapped around your waist tightly and you felt his breath on your neck.

You found yourself smiling at it a little. Honestly, you were kind of glad he hadn't left. You had had a good time at the bar and to top it off, the sex was also incredibly good.

When he woke up, you two were a bit awkward at first, both not being used to one night stands still being there when waking up, but quickly adjusted to each other's presence. The morning was filled with a lot of laughter and stolen kisses or touches but soon, he needed to go.

You had decided to exchange contacts and he said goodbye by giving you one last kiss, before leaving you absolutely shook about your experience.

⨯ . ⁺ ✦ ⊹ ꙳ ⁺ ‧ ⨯. ⁺ ✦ ⊹ . * ꙳ ✦ ⊹

You stayed in touch. You two quickly agreed that you weren’t really ready for a committed relationship, so you decided to just be friends.

As it always is with people who feel extreme tension to each other, this wasn’t the case for long…

Before Covid even really hit, you two were over each other every second possible.

Random hook up, when you came over? Yes.

Make out session in the kitchen? Why not.

Horny shower sex? Definitely.

Quickly you two found yourselves at a point again, where you needed to talk about where this was going.

You still agreed you weren’t ready to commit to a relationship and officially became friends with benefits.

This was going fine for years. It was going so well in fact that it even seemed scary for the two of you. You talked honestly with each other when you needed to and even more important, first and foremost you became the bestest of friends other the years.

But everything changed one eventful afternoon when you realised your period was late…

⨯ . ⁺ ✦ ⊹ ꙳ ⁺ ‧ ⨯. ⁺ ✦ ⊹ . * ꙳ ✦ ⊹

Your hands were sweaty when you walked down this specific isle at your local grocery store.

You only needed that one thing but you were so nervous, you also grabbed your favourite candy and randomly some frozen broccoli to 'hide' your next item.

Your fingers shook as they grabbed the box off the shelf and dropped it in your cart. The fact that you even needed to buy a pregnancy test made you feel dizzy.

This wasn’t supposed to happen. You didn’t even know what to do, if this would come out positive. How the fuck should you tell Noah, he is going to be a dad, when the next tour would start in less than a week?

It would affect both of your careers. You weren’t ready for children at the moment. Hell, you weren’t even ready for a real relationship or else you wouldn’t have been fucking around with your best friend for years at this point.

You took a deep breath before you started walking again. You were only a few days late. Maybe five or so. There was no total guarantee, you were pregnant. The test was just a precaution. You needed to know.

When you came home you were relieved to see that Noah wouldn’t arrive at your place for at least another hour, as you planned over text.

You made your way to your bathroom, getting even more nervous than you already were. You followed the instructions on the package and than…

… You nearly lost your mind. You didn't even need to set the fucking timer. By the time you finished washing your hands, that undeniable pink line had formed in the little result window.

"Fuck no…", you muttered under your breath and supported yourself on the bathroom counter, while tears started to form in your eyes. "There is no way…"

There literally shouldn’t have been such a high chance you were pregnant. The two of you never slept with each other without a condom and you didn’t realise any accidents.

You tried to contain yourself while staring at the second line for several minutes. Every ones in a while you closed your eyes, in the hopes when you open them again, the line disappeared again. But you weren’t lucky.

So you tried your utter best to stop crying before you put the test back into the package and stored it in your bathroom drawer.

You stepped into your kitchen and grabbed a glass of water, just to drink in all at once.

Your mind was racing. You didn’t know what to do. Noah was going to arrive any moment and you were a total wrack, always on the verge of tears and very much pregnant with his child.

When you heard your bell ring, you thought like you were going to throw up. On your way to the door you dared a look in the mirror and almost cried again. You looked awful. Your eyes were puffy. Your cheeks were a deep shade of pink. Your nose was runny and you definitely couldn’t just ignore Noah.

So you crept to the door and opened it to reveal Noah’s smiling face. When he saw you standing there like you would almost collapse, his face dropped and he quickly closed the door and took your face into his hands.

"What’s going on? Are you okay? What happened?" He instantly wanted to know, checking you out for any physical evidence of your state.

Your heart raced and you started to panic, so you quickly said: "I don’t know… I think I'm getting sick."

Noah stopped in his tracks and looked at your face again, dropping his hands and raising an eyebrow. You instantly knew he didn’t believe you.

He eyed you closely, before you felt the tears stream down your face again.

Quickly he lead you to your couch and sat next to you. He immediately put his arms around you, what made you cry even more. You wrapped your arms around his neck and slid even closer to him, in fear it would be the last time you had him this near to you.

"Y/N, tell me what’s going on." He softly spoke when you calmed down a bit again.

You looked into his dark eyes and almost immediately the tears rolled down your face again.

"I can’t tell you, Noah." You cried out with a raspy voice and you felt like you were loosing your mind.

"Why can’t you tell me?" Noah wanted to know, wiping away your tears with this fingers.

"It'll change anything. You will hate me." You answered and tried to calm yourself down, only resulting in becoming more frantic.

"Are you seeing someone?" Noah than asked and took you by surprise.

"What?" - "You're seeing someone, right? And you want to end this." You immediately realised, he became much colder, even though he tried not to.

"I'm not." You answered him surprised. "If haven’t been sleeping with anyone else but you for at least a year."

You didn't even have to justify yourself, you two had discussed that you would only have to tell the other about other partners if you hadn't used protection.

Noah went quiet like he's been caught in something.

"Are you… seeing someone?" You wanted to know and Noah immediately shook his head. "I'm more than satisfied with you. I don’t need anyone else."

With that you felt your cheeks warm. It wasn’t the first time he had said something like that. You had a feeling your relationship had changed over the past few months. You became even closer.

With closer you meant, him hugging you longer when you greeted each other, him touching your hand more frequently, him touching your face when he sees you're deep in your thoughts and last but not least, he started to kiss you during sex.

That had been an unspoken rule between you after your first one night stand. No kisses. But somehow you both seemed to break the rule over and over.

You felt like you calmed down enough to finally speak up. You needed to tell him. You couldn’t just pretend like you weren’t pregnant and than disappear as soon as it showed (not to say you hadn’t thought about it, in your panic moments).

"We are there for each other, right?" You wanted to make sure and grabbed his hand. Confused he lifted his eyebrows for a short second before nodding.

"Promise me, you won’t leave me." You than said and looked him deep in the eyes. You ignored the warmth that formed in you stomach, when you saw his eyes flicker to your lips for a brief second.

He swallowed hard before he answered: "Jesus, did you kill someone?" - "PROMISE ME." - "YEAH YEAH, I PROMISE… Hell, Y/N, your making me nervous."

With that you took a deep breath and got up, not letting go of his hand and leading him into your bathroom. When you came to stand before your bathroom drawer, you let go of his hand and stared at it.

"Is the murder weapon in there?" Noah joked but ended up with your elbow in his stomach. "This is serious, Noah."

In defence he lifted his arms and looked at you uplifting. You took another deep breath before you opened the drawer and pulled out the package. When you opened it, you felt how shaky your hands were.

You couldn’t even look at Noah, when you pulled out the positive test and handed it to him.

Than there was silence. Cruel and long silence. In fact it was quiet for so long that you thought he had just died on the spot while staring at the two lines.

"What is this?" He asked. "What's what?"

He lifted the test and you could see, he was also close to tears.

"That is a pregnancy test." - "Is it yours?"

You slightly nodded and your vision started to blur again. You did your utter best to keep yourself from crying but seeing Noah like that made you feel dizzy again. He would leave.

"How accurate are these things?" He than wanted to know.

"The second line immediately showed up. I wasn’t even done washing my hands and it already showed." - "Maybe it’s broken." - "I'm late, Noah. Should have gotten my period half a week ago."

Noah looked at the test again, before taking a breath and running his hand over his face in shook.

"Maybe we should take another one before jumping onto conclusions." He suggested. You blinked at him a couple of times before asking: "You're not mad?"

"Why should I? It takes two people to get someone pregnant and since you told me I am the only option, it’s my responsibility to be there for you. No matter how you'll proceed." He answered you honestly.

"Is it over?" You than wanted to know. "What?" - "This." You pointed your hands back and forth between the two of you.

Noah took a deep breath. "No. I won’t leave you."

You couldn’t hold yourself anymore. You knew you had a rule but you were so overwhelmed with the things that happened in the last couple of hours that you couldn’t resist but wrap your arms around him and kiss him.

Surprised he quickly lay down the test and grabbed the bathroom counter for support. At first you thought he would back away but than his hands landed on your hips and before you knew, he had pressed you against the counter and was literally devouring you.

It felt like this was the first real kiss between you two. It felt like you were starting to levitate while your tongues thought for dominance even though you definitely knew this was a lost game for you.

Soon the kiss slowed down and he wrapped his arms around you, while you pulled yourself even closer to him.

When you broke the kiss, he leaned his forehead against yours while you to tried to regain your breaths.

Neither of you dared to open their eyes. Neither of you wanted to let this moment go. A moment of unspoken feelings, where it was more than clear what you felt for each other.

"We'll go through this together."

⨯ . ⁺ ✦ ⊹ ꙳ ⁺ ‧ ⨯. ⁺ ✦ ⊹ . * ꙳ ✦ ⊹

Not even three days later, you found yourselves at your doctor's appointment. Even though the next tour would start soon, Noah had tried to not leave you alone for as long as he could.

So when you set there and the doctor came in with a smile on his face, you nearly crushed Noah's hand.

"Congratulations, you are pregnant." So know there was no doubt anymore. "Do we want to discuss options?"

The doctor and Noah looked at you expectantly. You closed your eyes for a second and thought to yourself. Were you ready for it? You had a stable job and income, friends who would support you and your baby daddy already said he wouldn’t leave. When you deeply thought to yourself you could definitely imagine a family with Noah. You wanted one with him.

When you opened your eyes again, you looked at Noah. He squeezed your hand in support.

"No." You answered the doctor and smile lightly. "We know what we want."

"Okay, I'll give you both a moment," the doctor said than said and left the room, while Noah squeezed your hand tightly.

"So we're gonna be parents?" He asked and smiled at you lightly. You nodded.

"I wouldn’t be mad, if you said you weren’t ready, Noah. You’re doing so well with the band and I don’t want to hold you back." You than explained to him but he shook his head.

"You definitely aren’t holding me back. I can manage it. I will do it for you. For us." He exclaimed and than placed a hand on your stomach. You couldn’t help but feel the warmth form in you again and quickly wrapped your arms around him.

"Thank you so much." - "No need to thank me. But we should definitely talk about us when we get home."

You backed away from him and looked at him confused. "What do you mean?"

"I don’t wanna talk about my feelings at a doctors office." He gave you the hint and with that you quickly nodded and stood up.

"Than let’s go." With that Noah also stood to his feet, grabbed your hand and you left the doctors office together, knowing you would manage this together. As a family.

[m-jelly]

Helloo! after reading your grandpa levi x grandma reader a scenario popped in my head. modern au where levi is aging like fine wine and had alittle eye issue where he needs reading glasses. later on he surprises reader where hes just sitting reading with his glasses on and reader gets really turned on. you can decide if things get heated or not. Thank you!!!

New glasses

Levi x fem!reader

Modern AU, sheriff Levi, small town, married, dad Levi, fluff, romance, suggestive.

Levi comes back from an appointment and now has reading glasses to help his eyes.

@ladycheesington @levisbrat25 @nyxiieluna @li-anne @galactict3a @youre-ackermine @thebobaprincess @2moth-anon2 @cypidity @nbinairyn @bts-spnlvr12 @darkstarlight82 @emilyyyy-08 @notgoodforlife @demonic-bird

All four of your kids were being sent off to Erwin's house to have a sleepover with his kids. Your two eldest were teens and happy to love after their brother and sister. You handed bags over to them and gave them a bright smile. "Have a nice time, okay? Call your father or me if you need anything." You gave each of them kisses. "I love you all."

"Love you, Mum!" They all shouted in union.

Levi pulled up in his car and climbed out. "I made it back in time. You lot excited to go for the sleepover?"

"Yes!"

He chuckled. "Be good for Uncle Erwin and Auntie Kat." He waved as they all held hands and walked off to Erwin's. He looked over at you. "Well, hello sexy. Wanna come home with me?"

You giggled. "Yes, please."

Levi scooped you up and carried you inside the house. He kicked the door closed and kissed you passionately. "I missed you."

"Missed you too, handsome."

He sat you on the sofa. "I need to change out of these and then we can play video games all afternoon and night."

You gasped. "So exciting! I'll get snacks and drinks." You moved around the kitchen and gathered what you needed before moving to the living room to see Levi was waiting. "I'm back."

Levi looked over at you with his new reading glasses on. "Wonderful."

You put everything on the coffee table, then stopped and stared at Levi. "What...you..."

Levi adjusted his glasses. "The appointment I said I was going to was to pick up my glasses. I got them tested two weeks ago." He smiled at you. "Do you like it?"

You felt a strong heat shoot through you as you took in your husband. Levi had always been sexy to you, but this was a whole new kind of sexy. Your heart was racing you were feeling so many emotions inside you.

He leaned closer to you. "Something on your mind?"

You whined a little. "You look...really sexy with those on."

He tilted his head. "Do I?"

You gripped his shirt and then shoved him down onto his back. "I just want to attack you. I want to ride you until you have nothing left to give me. I want you to spank me and call me a naughty girl. I want you to tie me up and tease me. I want you to tell me what to do." You flopped against him and hid your face. "I can't believe how much you wearing glasses has turned me on."

Levi felt flustered but excited. He spanked you with both his hands and gripped hard causing you to moan. "Naughty girl. Getting all needy and throwing yourself at me. I should punish you."

You sat up and rolled your hips against him. "Please."

"Maybe I should put you under arrest."

You felt like you were drooling. "Yes!"

[kaccvcate]

A friend of mine asked me about my time in Europe, decided to share here as well. For six months when I was 15 I lived in Almere-Stadt, which is near Amsterdam. I got to see the city a few times but I was too lonely to enjoy it. Some highlights I remember:

On my 16th birthday I just wanted to walk around Amsterdam, I knew from long experience to never ask for anything, and the old city is so beautiful it would make me happy in spite of it all. My mom screamed at me the entire time we walked around the city, all afternoon she lit into me, in front of strangers and everything, telling me how worthless I was, how I should die, how I was too stupid to be successful in school, all sorts of things, at top volume, without end. I was used to this so I took it completely zen, I just listened and never said a word or cried. Even my step dad who raped me said she was being excessive. She kept it up all day until I got home and went to bed. That's when I knew I would die there. After that my step dad began surreptitiously taking photos of me through the windows over the door to the bathroom and my bedroom while I was sleeping and when I would get out of the shower. I began sleeping with a knife beside me. In the street I found it impossible to connect with others. I would smile and wave and people would scowl or completely ignore me, even other people with mohawks. (Or to use the old saying, they wouldn't even speak to me.) Every day I saw trains and thought of jumping. I was very lucky that my dad had sued for custody of me, and very unlucky that the judgement was made in Miami, where the people observing were somehow too stupid to see that my parents were coercing me into acting in a certain way. My mom and step dad could not more obviously be unfit parents. I called the Dutch police on them for a fight once, and they were threatening to take us away after one single glance at the house. I couldn't say anything to the American social workers outright during the custody battle because my mom and step dad would beat me and take everything out of my room until it was empty for months on end when I was honest with people about how I was being treated. I tried to act out for attention. I told everyone I could what was happening for years. Simply my mom and step dad told them I was lying and they decided because I am who I am, and look how I look, I must be. My mom is redhaired and very fair skinned, and my step dad is damn near 100% German, so I have a feeling why people were so quick to believe them over me, a helpless child fighting any way I could. I was lucky by the time I lived in Amsterdam I was big enough to really hurt my step dad, when I was younger he would grope my chest in front of my mom while I screamed and cried and begged him to stop, I would bite and kick him as hard as I could and my mom would punish me for defending myself.

If you pussies can't hear about this shit then just block me, I don't care if it hurts to hear cause it hurt more when it happened to me. I'm sick of fucking cunts not listening to me because my words are unpleasant. I swear I'm writing down and recording every beautiful thing I can think of at all times.

And if you'd like to talk to these people, their names are:

Allison Leigh Fleming, born September 19, 1971

Rigel Cameron Freeman, born March 22 1986 (give or take a year or a couple days.)

And Rigel has custody of my youngest brother, Griffin, who is my mom's son but not his blood relative. I don't know that he's being sexually abused, but I have reason to suspect.

Rigel had helpfully shared his phone number and email for us here, I don't know if he changed it yet, but I did share it publicly with his full name on this blog when he sent it. I believe he still lives in the Netherlands.

[divorcedmalewife]

KP Anniversary Week 3; Prompt "Confession"

also posted on AO3!

Kim has never been very forthright. Very rarely is he ever direct and honest about anything in his life. 

Porchay, Kim is quickly realizing, is the exception. 

It’s been weeks since they tentatively started talking again and Kim likes to think they’ve become friends, in a weird sort of way. Kim wasn’t too sure he could be “just friends” with Porchay. But he would try. He would do anything to keep Porchay in his life. To keep his warmth and love as close as possible. 

Has Kim said any of this out loud? Of course he hasn’t. Kim has learned from a very young age that you should only tell someone the truth as a last resort. That trusting someone with your true intentions and thoughts is dangerous. 

Porchay is the opposite of Kim in that respect. He has always worn his heart on his sleeve and preferred telling the truth over a lie. Even if they lie would make his life easier. 

Kim isn’t used to the kind of honesty that Porchay brings to his life. It’s… refreshing in a way. It’s simple for Kim. He knows that no matter what, he can rely on Chay to tell him the truth. To be honest with him. 

Even in everyday life, Porchay just says what he wants to; say’s what he‘s thinking. 

“I love hia but I swear if he asks me one more time if I’m okay, I may have to punch him.”

“I don’t know if it’s just because I’m in a pissy mood but Khun is being annoying today.” 

“Your dad fucking sucks.” 

“You should wear the denim jacket more, it looks good.” 

“I like your apartment way more than the compound. I hate it here.” 

Kim finds himself replying honestly and not just saying what he thinks Porchay wants to hear. It’s a change — saying what he means and meaning what he says without worrying about what the consequences are. But that’s the effect Chay has on him. 

“Your brother can be irritating. He’d probably let you punch him though.” 

“Khun is literally always annoying. Want me to pick you up?” 

“Yeah…. He does.” 

“I like it more than the leather, actually.” 

“On my way.” 

Each time Kim lets himself be open and honest with Porchay, it feels like a secret confession. 

When Porchay reached out to Kim for the first time, asking for answers, Kim readily gave them to Porchay. He was ready to lay it all out for him. And he did. The moment Porchay asked questions, Kim gave him the honest truth. 

“Yes, it was me who left all those bodies at the bar.” 

“Yes, I loved your song, it meant everything to me.” 

“All the time we spent together was real to me too.”

But there is one thing Kim is still keeping close to his heart. He hasn’t told Porchay that he loves him. 

Porchay probably knows; he’s smart like that. But Kim knows he deserves to be told the whole truth. 

Although, Kim doesn’t think he deserves reciprocation, but he’s working on it. And Kim knows better than to make decisions for Porchay. Kim will tell him eventually and he’ll let Porchay decide where they go from there. Porchay will decide if he wants to keep being just friends or if he wants to try again. 

So they keep texting. They keep hanging out. They even play music together again. It’s everything Kim ever wanted since he realized he had fallen for Chay. All that’s missing, in Kim’s opinion, is being able to kiss Porchay and wake up next to him every morning. 

In the end, it’s not even Kim who first brings their relationship status up again. 

One lazy afternoon, Porchay has his head in Kim’s lap and he’s scrolling through social media while Kim reads a book. Kim has a hand in Porchay’s hair. To Kim, the position doesn’t seem entirely platonic; not that he’s going to complain about it. This is where Kim wants Porchay to be anyway. Kim doesn’t give a single fuck that they’re straddling the line between “just friends” and something that isn’t “just” anything.

Porchay could never be “just” anything to him. 

“P’Kim,” Porchay says quietly. 

Kim makes a questioning hum but when Porchay doesn’t say anything else, Kim puts the book down to Look Porchay in the eye — only to find Porchay is already looking up at him. He looks so soft, with his hair askew from Kim’s ministrations and the threadbare t-shirt that he borrowed from Kim’s closet. Kim feels his heartbeat quickly as he stares into the pair of eyes that made him question everything in his life. 

“Yes, Porchay?” Kim asks. 

“You love me,” Porchay says.

He doesn’t phrase it like a question. Like the statement itself is an answer. Kim supposes it is. It’s the answer to why Kim let Porchay in. It’s the answer to everything. Why is Kim doing this? Because he loves Porchay. Why is Kim acting like this? Because he loves Porchay. Why does Kim feel like he’s safe again? Because he loves Porchay. Why does Kim feel like he can be okay again? Because he loves Porchay. 

“Yeah,” Kim replies softly. “I do love you.” It’s just one more honest statement that Kim makes because he knows he can. Because he knows Chay won’t use the truth against him. 

Porchay’s bright smile in response is enough to make Kim know that every vulnerable moment with Porchay is worth it.

“I love you too,” Porchay says. 

[aleksa-sims]

RL Story

Sorry if I post this a second time, but I think there is something wrong with my blog?

Now first, quickly to the quarrel between Nico & me. Nico wants to go back to Italy, he wants to to move to his former club .They offered him a new contract and more money. They want him back! That would mean that we would see even less of each other, which of course did not suit me. But Nico didn’t feel comfortable in his current team, he just never told me so I wouldn’t worry. Anyway, I had the feeling that Nico was hiding something from me, about his life in Italy. I thought maybe he’s leading some kind of double life? Last summer he was away for almost 2 months, in Italy, because of that contract and soccer stuff, while I was with Daniel. But why was he there all summer? And months later, after he and I got back together, he got messages from that one girl Patricia, who was also with him in Italy. Allready at that time, this whole thing seemed strange to me. And now all of a sudden he has to fly back abroad even though he doesn’t have a match there? It felt like he was leaving me and our son home alone, so he could have fun in Italy with his fucking team mates. Bcs Damien called him and it sounded like they were talking about a party or something. That’s why I was mad at him and also disappointed. Really disappointed! So yea, something had to change or that’s it! For me, it was no longer a relationship with him, we hardly saw each other and now that he was home, he wanted to go away again.

The House and the Medium (CW: suicide mention, loss)

When the young woman who is a medium came to us this afternoon, I was totally surprised about her. I was honestly expecting someone who might have looked older? No, but she was very nice and actually only 29 years old. However, my mom, grandma, Ana and I decided to tell the young woman as little as possible, to see if she really knows her job. 😬But that’s also what she asked us to do. She only wanted to know who lives here in the house and how we’re all relate to each other.

Right at the beginning she had contact with two deceased male relatives of us. One of them was very young. This young man was here for my Mom, she said. I immediately got goose bumps. I knew that my Mom’s brother would try to talk us, if we ever did… well, something like this.

It was so sad. Not only my mom cried, but all of us. The medium knew everything! I was totally speechless. My uncle wanted my mom to know that he didn’t do this to himself on purpose. He didn’t want to die, when he took the pills. 😞😭And he apologized to my mom, for what she went through after his death. He said that he was with her, all the time, when that one bad aunt (an evil woman) was mean to her. He also wanted us to know, that he never wanted to scare us or anything, because of these nightmares I had about him. He’s just trying to protect me, but he never tried to scare me. Everything I think I saw or dreamed about him, it wasn’t him!! This was something else. And he also said that certain events must happen, but I have to stay strong, then everything will be fine.

The medium asked him, if he knew what was going on here in this house? And well, she was of the opinion, that there is a negative energy in this house, which has nothing to do with us, with my family. This negative energy has been brought here by someone else, but not on purpose. Nevertheless, only the person who called it or brought it here, can get rid of this negative energy. She believed that someone wanted to curse someone and only when this is done, there will be peace here. But you can drive out negative energies by performing certain cleansing rituals. In this way, some peace and quiet comes back into the house, but this evil energy can come back at any time. We cannot completely get rid of it, only the person who has brought that negative energy here, can do this.

Oh, and that second person she contacted, was my grandma’s nephew. Sandra’s step-dad. He often comes here to my grandma’s house, to remember his old life. He and my Dad were inseparable as kids and even later. They were always together. Those were his best times, he wanted my grandma to know and that he’s well.

He also meant that my grandparents are safe in the house because they are not afraid. But I should not stay here too long. The medium also noticed two children (spirits) in the house. They run around all the time, she said. It was hard for her to follow them. For the two, this is a like game: they love to play hide- &- seek. And they also love to hide things. The two children come here, to play with Ana, she said. They think that Ana is still a child? I I suspected that, those children were the two murdered orphans. The medium was not quite sure what exactly happend to the orphans? But she didn’t believe/think they were buried here on my grandparents’ property. Because the two of them were here voluntarily, they like to come here, which means they’re not tied to this place or anything. She said they seem happy and serene. And they love Ana. Haha!! One of the siblings, the girl, loves little kids and Babies. That’s why she is so happy to be here at the moment. I just thought ok, I think I know who made Lucas laugh. In any case, the two kids are no danger to us. They just like being here. Especially when other kids are also in the house. That’s why my grandparents never really noticed anything, they only come when we kids are or were here. Ana, my Cuz and I. Well and now Lucas. One of the siblings, the girl, has developed some kind of special connection or relationship with Ana. Ana was a baby at that time and she was also the only one of us kids, who wasn’t afraid when something strange happened here. Maybe Ana knew or felt that, when she was a little girl? Only later, the older she got, the more scared she was here in the house, mostly because of me to be honest. 😬 Yk, my demons.

We knew now that the shadow in the dining room’s evil and it’s mainly after me. As long as I stay away from it, I’m safe. I asked the medium why me? She meant….. “you let it happen.” Such evil beings cannot just pick anyone to attach themselves to a person. Some people attract them without knowing it. It’s almost like an invitation. I have to consciously shield myself from this thing, ignore it, but the best way is to stay away from here. Then I’m safe. That’s what she told me.🤷‍♀️😞I’ll just stay away from this place.

Previous/Next

[liu-anhuaming]

so i ended up sending that letter detailing all of my grievances dating back to high school to my parents yesterday morning, and as of now (36 hours since sending the email) i've heard absolutely nothing in response

i'm putting the rest under the cut in case y'all don't wanna see me spilling my guts about my bad relationship with my mom and possible abuse?

after a lot of thinking this past week, i realized that the idea of never speaking to my mom every again makes me feel giddy. my therapist was saying i shouldn't rush into this, but i don't think i am? this week isn't even the first time i've thought of going no-contact with my mom, but it's the first time it's been this close to becoming a reality. the thought has gone through my mind multiple times over the past year or so, but i always brushed it off as something that wasn't likely to happen

after weighing all the pros and cons, it just feels like the right thing to do, but i don't know how i should tell her, and i'm afraid of how she'll react

i'm also suddenly full of self-doubt, and a feeling that as bad as my mom was to me, she and my dad were still good parents and provided for me while i was growing up, and after everything they've done wanting to go no-contact makes me selfish and ungrateful, and all sorts of other negative thoughts. a lot of the guild and doubt i'm feeling is definitely me hearing my mom's voice in my head, and i'm trying to push it away

i told my brother i was thinking of doing this, and he said that while it's sad it's come to this, he supports my decision and has my back no matter what i decide. that's definitely helped me pull away from my self-doubt

I was also talking about this all with my coworker (we've spent a lot of time bonding over our terrible mothers), and she used the word "abuse" to describe how my mom treated me. that gave me major pause, bc i've never thought of my mother as abusive. in my mind, she's a terrible person but not abusive. but then today i was doing some googling, and it turns out a lot of the stuff she did can be classed as emotional abuse, so. yeah. that's a lot to process

but no matter what, my relationship with my mom is fucked. the idea of talking to her on the phone is horrifying, and the thought of visiting home fills me with dread and anxiety. whenever i'm home, i feel like i'm walking on eggshells, bc any slip-up means starting a fight with my mom. i absolutely don't feel comfortable sharing anything with her about my mental health or my feelings (bc she's always trivializing them), so when we do talk once a week i'm basically just telling her how my work week was and what the weather's like where i live. that's barely even a relationship

and when i think about the possibility of her changing and becoming a better person, i just don't care? like it's great if she actually internalizes what i'm saying in my letter, but for me it's too little too late. i've already spent the past decade trying to get through to her, and she never listened, so now i just feel done with it all

idk, but if i still don't hear from my parents by tomorrow afternoon, i'll be breaking the silence myself and calling them. bc i am not trying to have a major fight with my mother on a weekday night, where i'll probably spend a bunch of time crying, and then i'll have to go to work the next morning feeling like ass. the advantage of doing it on a sunday morning is that i have the whole rest of the day to feel like shit

[youhavetosmile]

how about one inspired by this

Caught Somewhere in Time byMarv-with-a-v (Marv_aka_Kitten_Writes)

one with Karen x Matt

I am SO SORRY this took me so long! I loosely based this on the story you sent me, so hopefully this is what you were looking for!

Find it on AO3

“So Stark and Banner built this—basically a time machine—and re-collected all the Infinity Stones, and that’s how they got everyone back.”

“That is the craziest thing I’ve ever heard.”

“That’s what I said, but Peter swears it’s true.”

It was a nearly perfect Saturday.  The traffic outside was less noisy than it was on the weekdays, and the warmth of the afternoon sun and Karen’s body next to him was making Matt delightfully drowsy.  He first thought that Karen’s silence meant she had fallen asleep—there were several nights this week when he had come home and she was still working—but the speed of her heartbeat and the tension in her shoulders told him she was still awake and alert.  “You okay, babe?”

“Yeah,” Karen replied, nodding her head slightly on Matt’s shoulder.  “Just thinking.”

“About what?”

“Kevin.”  Matt immediately tightened his arms around her.  “I would love to go back in time and change what happened.  Save him.”  She sniffled, and Matt responded only with a kiss to her forehead.  “What about you?” she asked, not wanting to ruin her contentment with thoughts of her brother, “If you could go back in time, what would you change?”

Matt gave a short, sardonic chuckle.  “A lot.  I’d take a different route on the day of the accident.  Tell Stick to go to Hell.  Save my dad.”

“Guess we both have a lot of regrets.”  He could feel the sadness in Karen’s voice.

“Yeah.  But if I really think about it, if I could only change one thing, I’d change what happened—or, rather, what didn’t happen—between us that first night.”

“The night we met?”

“No, the night we kissed in the rain.  I mean, I wouldn’t change that,” he added, feeling Karen tense again, “but I would tell you about—everything.  Be honest for once.”

Karen lifted her head off his shoulder.  “Matt, that’s ridiculous,” she said, and he was surprised to hear that her voice sounded a little angry.

“Why?”

“You’re telling me that if you had one shot to change anything that happened to you, you’d waste it on me?”

“Well, first of all, that’s not wasting it,” he said tenderly, pulling her head back down and gently grasping the hand she still had on his chest, “and second, yes, I would.  Don’t get me wrong, I would do anything to have my sight back, or to never get involved with Stick, or to have my dad still here, but—all of those things really sucked, yes, and I’m not saying it was worth it, but—some good came out of them.  I wouldn’t be who I am and I couldn’t do what I do without those things.  With you—nothing good came out of me not being honest with you from the start.  I wouldn’t have gotten mixed up in all that bullshit with the Hand—”

“Oh, I think you’d have found a way into the middle of that no matter what.”

“Okay, fair,” he conceded with an eye roll, “but it wouldn’t have gotten so bad.  Maybe I never would’ve ended up at Midland Circle or gone so low afterwards.  At the very least, I’d have had you.  We could’ve had each other all this time.  But instead, I hurt myself and, worse than that, I hurt you.  And that I will never feel like I’ve made up for.”

Karen propped herself on her elbow and looked down at him.  “You’re right.  You did hurt me.  And if that’s true,” she continued, ghosting her fingertips along the side of his face, “I think I should get to decide when you’ve made up for it.  And you have more than made up for it.”

Matt’s adoring smile turned into a mischievous smirk.  “You make a good argument, Page.  You really should consider—”

Karen playfully shoved him.  “Matthew Murdock, I swear to God, if the next two words out of your mouth are ‘law school,’ I’ll—”

“You’ll what?”

“I’ll—” she froze for a moment, then laid her head back down right next to his ear, “I’ll go to sleep with my hair in braids.  French braids.”

“Oh, that’s cold, Page…”

[allthingsfangirl101]

Top Gun - Baby Mav Chapter 9: Maverick's Solution To Everything

Masterlist

Maddlyn sighed as she put on her sunglasses and got out of her father's car. She looked around and instantly glared at him.

"What?" He chuckled. "This is a great idea."

"This is a horrible idea," she mumbled as she followed him down the beach.

They set things up as they waited for the others to arrive. When they did, they instantly started asking Maddlyn questions.

"What are we doing here?" Phoenix asked under her breath.

"Maverick's idea," Maddy sighed. "He thinks it fixes everything."

"Thinks what fixes everything?" Payback asked skeptically.

"He calls it, Dogfight Football," she groaned.

"What?" Those around her asked.

"Combines offense and defense to build trust among trainees," Maddlyn said, mimicking her dad.

"Hey!" Maverick chuckled. "It really works."

"Not as much as he believes," Maddlyn mumbled.

"I heard that," he called over his shoulder.

"Remember when you tried to make me and the guys play it?" Maddlyn shot back. She hid her smirk when her dad cleared his throat and finished putting up the net.

"What happened?" Phoenix chuckled.

"They tried to tackle me," she explained.

"What'd you do?" Payback asked.

"Simple," Maddlyn shrugged, "I broke three noses, dislocated two shoulders, and fractured six ribs."

"Nice," Phoenix laughed as the girls high-fived.

* * * * *

After an afternoon of playing, the group was exhausted. They decided to sit around a fire and talk. The conversation was light and fun. Until. . .

"I gotta know," Hangman smirked at Maddy. "There are a lot of rumors floating around about your flight."

Rooster felt Maddy tense beside him. She glanced at her dad before looking back at Hangman.

"And?" She said, pretending not to care.

"I just want to know what really happened that day."

"Maddy, you don't have to," Maverick started to say.

"It's fine," she cut him off. "It's about time someone knew the truth. And besides, I'm damn tired of hiding it."

"Hiding it?" Rooster asked softly. Maddy gathered her courage, not entirely sure if she was going to be able to tell them the truth.

"The Navy wanted everyone to believe that the flight was this big heroic show," Maddlyn scoffed. "When in reality. . ."

"Reality?" Bob asked gently.

"It was a shitshow." Maddlyn looked at her father again before turning back to the group. "There were five of us; Johnson, Adams, Westen, Lucas, and me. They were all horrible, sexist pigs. They loved trying to shoot me down. I made sure they never could. I'd shoot them all down before they could even line up behind me."

"That's my girl," Maverick chuckled. He stopped laughing when Maddlyn continued.

"The flight was supposed to be simple," Maddy sighed, her tone changing. "All we were supposed to do was fly over a building that was where the enemy kept their supplies. We weren't supposed to make contact. It was just a flyover mission but it went terribly wrong."

Rooster looked down and saw her hands shaking. He started to reach over and grab them but stopped himself.

"A little while after we took off," she continued, "I noticed two bogies following us. They'd come into view for only a few brief seconds before disappearing again. I tried to warn the guys, but they didn't believe me."

"Of course, they didn't," Phoenix scoffed.

"They just kept telling me to "shut the hell up" or "stop being such a baby" and "if you're going to bitch, go bitch back at the ship". They never did come up with new insults. I told them at least ten times before. . ."

"Before what?" Payback asked.

"I should've been faster," she mumbled.

"What do you mean, Mads?" Rooster asked.

"First, it was Westen," she said, her voice low. "Then it was Lucas. I finally snapped out of it and shot down the first bogie. The second one shot down Johnson as I shot him down. At least, I thought it was the second bogie who shot Johnson down."

"It wasn't?" Fanboy asked.

"Nope," Maddy whispered. "It was Adams."

"Adams?" Hangman asked. Up until now, he had been surprisingly quiet. "You mean. . . He was a. . ."

"A traitor," Maddy said, glancing at him. "He betrayed his team. He betrayed his country. And he did it all for glory. It took me too long to wrap my head around it."

"Maddy," Maverick sighed, "it only took you a few seconds before you reacted."

"I should've known," she said angrily to herself. "Before we took off, I checked my plane like I always do. When I did it, I noticed there was something weird with the tracker. Figuring it was nothing, I reset it. Then I noticed there was something wrong with the black box."

"The black box?" Bob asked. "You mean the thing that records. . ."

"Everything," Maddy said. "Adams manipulated every one of our black boxes so they wouldn't record anything that happened."

"Shit," Payback mumbled.

"Luckily, Maddlyn noticed and reversed it," Maverick said, trying to lighten the tension.

"It saved my life."

The tension returned.

"What do you mean?" Bob asked.

A lump started to form in Maddlyn's throat. She tried to swallow it down, but it wouldn't budge. "After Adams shot down Johnson, he turned his plane toward me. He mouthed off to me and said all the things he'd been wanting to say." Maddlyn scoffed. "He said exactly what he'd said to me since day one. But then. . . I knew it was coming before he did it."

"Did what?" Phoenix asked.

"Shot you down," Rooster finished for her. The group glanced around at each other, but Maddlyn kept her focus on the fire.

"I got off my shot a millisecond before he got off his," she said, through clenched teeth.

"You were always a better shot," Maverick said softly.

"Which means. . ." Fanboy didn't finish asking.

"Which means he hit one of my wings. I hit his engine." Maddlyn finally looked up from the fire and Rooster could see how much this flight had been holding her down.

"He exploded," Maverick clarified. "Maddy didn't."

"I was spiraling," Maddy said, her voice lower. "I couldn't get out of it."

"Why didn't you eject?" Payback asked.

"I tried," she said through her teeth. "Son of a bitch messed with our parachutes, too."

"Shit," Phoenix mumbled, her anger turning dark.

"I was stuck," Maddlyn struggled to continue. "When I landed. . . I don't remember much else."

"I do," Maverick jumped in.

"You were there?" Rooster asked. The entire team was shocked as Maverick nodded.

"I was back in the control room," Maverick explained. "I heard everything. What's worse is I couldn't do anything as she crashed. As soon as she landed, we sent every rescue team we had. When they got to Maddlyn's beacon, she wasn't there."

"Wait, what?" Rooster panicked as he glanced at Maddlyn.

"She was two miles away," Maverick smirked.

"I was in and out of consciousness," Maddlyn clarified. "During the few times I was awake, I crawled out of the plane and started walking."

"You started walking?" Phoenix asked.

"I had a concussion," she shrugged. "I was delirious. And pissed."

"When they found her, she was passed out," Maverick continued. "They brought her back and she was unconscious for two weeks."

"And when I woke up, they forced me to attend an ethics committee meeting," she said through clenched teeth.

"They what?!" Everyone yelled.

They started shouting out angry comments about forcing a woman to go to an ethics committee. Rooster hit Fanboy next to him when he noticed Maddlyn's eyes fill with tears. When Fanboy understood why Rooster had hit him, he hit Payback who hit Phoenix, who hit Bob. Bob was about to hit Hangman but stopped himself.

~•~

"Daddy," Maddy said weakly as he helped her onto a seat outside the committee's conference room. "I'm tired."

"I know, pumpkin," Maverick sighed as he sat next to her and wrapped her in his arms. "They just want to ask you a few questions and then I will take you right back to the hospital."

Maddlyn stayed in her father's arms as they waited for the committee. She fell asleep as he rubbed her back. A few minutes later, Hondo walked out of the room. He looked down at Maddlyn in Maverick's arms and sighed.

"They're ready for her, Mav," Hondo said. Maverick looked down at Maddlyn in his arms. He leaned down and kissed the top of her head.

"Maddy, pumpkin," he whispered. "They're ready for us."

Maverick stood up and helped Maddlyn to her feet. He instantly wrapped his arm around her waist and helped her inside. As they walked into the room, Maverick's heart jumped into his throat when he realized that Maddlyn would be forced to stand throughout the entire meeting.

The stares were varied; pity, sadness, annoyance. Maverick glanced at Ice to see him sending his daughter a small smile.

"Do you think we could get her a chair?" Maverick asked.

"The pilot on trial stands," Admiral Beau said without looking up from his notes.

Maverick was about to object, but Maddlyn squeezed his arm. "I'm fine," she whispered.

"Are you sure?" He asked. She smiled and nodded but he could see how tired she was.

"Captain Phillips," Admiral Beau said with no patience. "Please take your seat."

Maverick hesitated and sent his daughter a look. She nodded again and he slowly let her go. The second she no longer had his support, her balance waived. She caught herself and took a shaky breath.

"Now, Ms. Phillips," Admiral Beau started.

"She's a Lieutenant," Hondo interrupted. Maddlyn glanced at her dad who was struggling to hide his smirk.

"Right," Admiral Beau cleared his throat. "Lieutenant, can you tell us what happened during the F-18-20 flight?"

"Don't you. . . Don't you have the black box recording?" Maddlyn asked softly.

The admirals looked at each other and Maverick knew what that look meant. "They didn't listen to it," he mumbled to Hondo.

"Or worse, they did," Hondo scoffed, "and they don't believe it."

"We want to hear your side of the story," Admiral Beau said like it was obvious.

"You did hear it," Maddlyn said, her father hearing her anger completely replace any pain she was feeling. "The black box recorded everything."

"Miss Maddlyn," Adirmal Beau sighed.

"It's Lieutenant," she corrected.

"That's my girl," Maverick chuckled under his breath.

"You didn't even listen to it, did you?" She scoffed. "I have been in a coma for the last two weeks. You forced me out of the hospital bed and you haven't even done your investigation?!"

When Maddlyn tried to take a step closer to the admirals, the pain came back and she collapsed. Maverick was at her side instantly.

"Really, Lieutenant?" Admiral Beau sighed. "Faking pain. . ."

"She's not faking," Maverick cut him off. He helped his daughter to her feet as Hondo brought over a chair. "There's no need. I'm taking her back to the hospital."

"I'm not going anywhere," Maddlyn weakly jumped in.

"Maddy. . ."

"No," she interrupted. "I am not going anywhere until they listen to the damn black box recording."

Maverick helped Maddlyn sit down. Neither Maverick nor Hondo moved from next to Maddlyn.

"Play it," Maverick demanded. "Now."

The feeling in the room shifted as they played Maddlyn's black box recording from the worst day of her life. The closer the recording got to the final shot, the more she shook. Maverick grabbed his daughter's hand and let her squeeze it as hard as she needed to.

"Adam?! What the hell are you doing?" Maddlyn's voice came through the recording.

"Something I've wanted to do since the day I first met you," Adam scoffed.

Maddlyn let out a small shriek when the sound of their planes shooting at each other made her jump. Maverick instantly wrapped his arms around her and held her tightly to his chest as she sobbed.

He looked up at the admirals with as dark as a fatherly glare as he could muster. He maintained eye contact until the recording stopped. With his arms still wrapped around his daughter, he gently pulled her to her feet. He could've belittled them, but he knew the fewer words, the stronger the effect.

"We're done here."

~•~

The group was frozen as Maddlyn finished her story. They didn't know what to say or do. The tension was thick as things were clarified.

"They didn't say anything else," she said, her voice low. "All they said was 'thank you for coming down' and 'we'll call you when the committee has come to a decision'. They called me a month later and brought up what came next."

"What came next?" Rooster asked.

"They wanted to go public," Maddlyn scoffed. "They wanted to spread the story of my heroic actions, shooting down three bogies all on my own after my team was shot down."

"Three bogies?" Bob asked. "I thought there were only two."

"Oh, did I mention? They wanted to leave out the part about Adams and say he was a bogie."

"Damn," Hangman mumbled under his breath.

"They wanted me to be the face of the Navy," Maddlyn said, her tears returning. "Spread the word about me. I wanted to rest and go through my physical therapy without interruptions and interviews. I wanted to retire."

"Wait, what?" Rooster asked. "Retire? Maddlyn. . ."

"I couldn't stand it anymore," she cut him off. "I had never been treated like I belonged. Now they wanted me to be the face of it all? They're lucky I didn't sue the United States Navy for all the shit I went through."

Maverick reached over and grabbed her hand, squeezing to silently tell her to calm down.

"Instead of retiring," she said, taking a shaky breath, "they told me I could go on medical leave until I was ready to come back, but to be honest, I didn't think I'd ever come back."

"What made you come back?" Bob asked innocently.

Maddlyn glanced at her father before admitting, "I've read the flight plan and looked at your previous runs. If I didn't get involved. . ."

"Let's just say," Maverick jumped in, "without Maddlyn, this upcoming flight wouldn't happen."

[what-gs-watching]

“Sunlight over me, no matter what I do.”

This week on what G’s watching - what G’s listening to. 

This is exciting!

Gang, I told you content is how I apparently digest my feelings, and a big ol’ part of that is music. Always has been, my dad has this crazy extensive collection of albums. When I was a kid he always had something on in the car, or playing from the old stereo in our living room. One of my favorite memories is listening to the Beatles’ White Album with him on long afternoons. He’d let me dance around on his feet, and we’d sing every single one, I was the eight year old who knew the entire thing by heart.

Music is a core fucking memory for me, it’s my dad in a nutshell. I remember one year for Christmas, he gave me a bunch of burned cd’s - all of the Beatles broken up by time period, Cat Stevens, Bob Dylan, Joni Mitchell,  a set of discs that included the top songs broken out by month between 1964 and 1968, six in total. The tracks, he told me eventually, perfectly encapsulated the way those different seasons felt to him - The March/April disc really feels like springtime.

If you knew my dad, you’d know that the effort he put into it was much  more than his usual Christmas attempts, which were: my mother buying the gifts and then writing his name on the tag. 

So the point is: music can be an incredible thing and it’s a large part of who I am. I could write an entire post about all of that (and one about the Beatles, and one about Paul McCartney specifically, and one about Adele, and one about Bo Burham…see, I’m nuanced)  but I won’t. Right now, at least. 

Because I want to talk about Fleet Foxes. Specifically, Helplessness Blues.

This album came into my life at a weird time, I’d moved to a new city and was working my first ever real tech job and I was living with my sister, trying to figure my shit out. Which involved coworker-turned-friend drama because at the time I was absolutely not the best person, and it was very early 20’s of me. You know, when everything feels frenetic and you aren’t sure what the fuck you’re supposed to be doing with your life, so you’re just…doing random things, all the things. 

Which made me extremely susceptible to the creeping kind of darkness infused with hope the album has. I have a penchant for indie folk bands. I can’t help it. I fucking love guitar and thrumming drums with violins and shit. It just feels real to me. Authentic. Organic.

So it’s no wonder Fleet Foxes pulled me. I had a couple of their other songs on random playlists but had never attempted to listen to their first release. And then one day I was getting my oil changed, sitting in the waiting room and I read a review of Helplessness Blues in a magazine, probably Rolling Stone. I immediately bought it, which wasn’t really like me at the time - I was deep into stitching together random lists on my ipod, pulling tracks from all over the place, but I felt like I had to.  Thankfully.

I don’t know what it is about this album, but it’s the perfect mix of mauldin, shiny, twisted, uneasy, exciting, overwhelming. It feels like there’s a story to it, it’s cohesive and purposeful, but I couldn’t tell you what the narrative actually is. And that’s probably the point. It’s whatever the story is to you, and man this album for me is angst and questioning and accepting. It’s become one of those perfect albums you can listen to, never skipping a track, because they’re always a little different depending on the mood you’re in.

And right now, I'm in a weird mood. I’m lost in my life again, and angst sounds about right, so I put the album  on this afternoon after I’d finished my unemployment application and tried to harass the pharmacy for my husband, did some laundry, some dishes, random life things. I decided all I wanted to do with my Friday was chill the fuck out, blast Helplessness Blues through my airpods, and just, be with myself, and  something familiar. Inside my own brain, but with something comforting, lulling me in the background. 

I wanted to wrap myself up in something, and this was the perfect choice. Apparently one of my coping mechanisms is to just put some music on and let it overwhelm me, turning the volume up as high as I can tolerate, and singing along as needed at the top of my lungs. It’s honestly therapeutic. 

That’s what Helplessness Blues is good for. Because it’s quite a production. You can get lost in the story and it’ll morph into whatever you need at the time. Today it’s a squirming  sense of unease, but also triumph. It’s so good.

I could probably talk about all of the tracks, I’m not going to lie, but that sounds exhausting; they’re still lulling my brain right now and I don’t feel like I could pick out each one well enough, they flow together too well. 

However, The Shrine / The Argument is fucking ambitious. It’s so many different things all at once and it’s almost confusing as one song but eventually it’s really, really not. It’s weird and it ends with a horrible cacophony but then delivers really soft and agonizing violins. It has some of my favorite lyrics from the entire album:

In the morning waking up to terrible sunlight / All diffuse like skin abuse the sun is half its size

When you talk you hardly even look in my eyes

In the doorway holding every letter that I wrote / In the driveway pulling away putting on your coat

In the ocean washing off my name from your throat

Because, who hasn’t felt like that? It’s a really specific loss. How else can you say something like that? 

This is clearly getting away from me, but that’s okay. This is what I wanted to do today. I don’t do this very often, Helplessness Blues isn’t in my regular rotation, because it deserves to be listened to and I don’t always have that kind of time. I’m thankful that I do today though, I’m almost through my second rotation, and it's helping. I’m updating the story that it is, for me. Next time I listen to it, it’ll remind me of this stupid thing I’m going through and all that I am right now, a little bit. 

For example: listening to Blue Spotted Tail was very Crowley and Aziraphale today.  That’s apparently where I am, so now it’s part of the story. 

Why in the night sky are the lights hung? Why is the earth movin’ around the sun? Floating in the vacuum with no purpose not a one…

Poor little Antony J.

 Why is life made only for to end? Why do I do all this waiting then? Why this frightened part of me that's fated to pretend?

So. If you need to feel ways about things (we all do, now and again, right) this album will do it for you. And this is a terrible love letter to it, but just…trust me.

[theonlinechroniclesofaladybug]

Today is my mothers birthday,

I woke up with the disastrous desire to got back to sleep. It was only 10:30 but then I remembered my mom would’ve wanted a good breakfast to start her day. I love sleeping, i just cant sleep sometimes (majority of the time,) and I would’ve slept until 2 in the afternoon if it was up to me. But alas, I love my mother too much. She was already up before me, and the dogs were very happy to see me (—I had just came back home last night from my boyfriends place; I only left for three days but in dog years I’m sure that has to be a millennium—)

But none the less they were happy to see me (as always, usually they’re the only two who do.) but I made cinnamon rolls from scratch. (I had froze them to preserve them and simply bake them the day of.) I plan ahead too much, I’m overly cautious and I like contingency plans due to my narcissistic ex-father and his unplanned outbursts. Thank god he no longer lives with us though.

Anyways, after providing sustenance to the whole house (my three big-little brothers, my mom, her girlfriend and me,) I hurried upstairs to change into the outfit I planned before i went to bed last night.

I always have trouble sleeping, I’ve taken everything and nothing helps so I’ve decided to come to terms with the title insomniac. Somehow though my boyfriend seems to be the only thing keeping me asleep, and I love naps more than living life and going out with friends or being social.

I donned a white brandy melville dress I bought off of depop, (stupidly overpriced, per usual. Thanks depop.) that was loose, flown, the absolute perfect summer dress for a dainty sprite like myself (sorta) but the problem was you could see my nipples. (I refuse to wear a bra because, idk it ruins your outfit by being so bulky, and I’m like a 32-34 DD, but I can fit into 5/6 children’s tees no problem, I think not wearing a bra for my entire life has helped with that. Not to say I don’t have any, I do, but my dad was a big pervert and he refused to let me get bras when i was younger so I would always have my moms old and tattered ones that were far to big on my prepubescent 11 year old chest or she would make them for me. It’s fucked up, and maybe that’s why I don’t wear a bra? To save the trouble? But in all fairness my mother did the same thing her age, the no-bra part. She grew up in Miami with a Chelsea cut if that helps.)

Back on subject, I decided to wear this 70s button up, with blue and green dainty stripes and tying it at my waist and it created a gorgeous and almost costal grandma kinda look. I debated wearing my dainty kitten heels with it but chose a blister free ailment with my brown converse and white socks. (that the thrift gods had bestows upon me, in my size, in perfect condition might I add.)

We went to Starbucks, obvi the best you’ll get; Venti Iced Matcha Latte with oat milk and vanilla cold cream!!! It’s so good, and hen we went to the bookstore which i had IMMENSE self control. It’s my mom’s birthday, but her girlfriend was kind enough to let us each get one book. I got Lady Macbeth. Which, fuck yeah i want a semi-traditional historical fantasy romance. With magic and Scotsmen.

(I’m a ginger, very Irish and Scottish along with German and Norwegian. I have the burden of being mystical and fantastical at all times. Not a pick me moment, just for reference.)

There was. Guy following me, tall, long greasy looking hair, I couldnt tell if he was homeless (by the layers and the backpack he wore), but he did have a lot of magazines in his hands. Anyways, afterwords we went to the mall, where my mom got a build-a-bear with all of us shouting ‘happy birthday!’ Her name is Thumbellina Glitter Sparkles for those curious.

Then we ate Mexican, i gorged. Sizzling enchiladas and tamales. Ugh yummy.

Though im still kind of recovering from my eating disorder.

I go through periods of starving myself, obsessing over my weight and counting calories which I did way back in the 7th grade. (I’m like, 5’3, 112 lbs.) my brain wont let me stop until im 85 lbs. why is that?

The heaviest i weighed was 128lbs at 17, which im sure is plenty normal but that feels so gross to me.

Then i feel like i dont have enough, or that im huge and bigger than i think. Like im 5’7 and 170lbs. Like my mirror convinces me my face is covered in acne and my face is fat and VERY unsymmetrical.

But when im with my boyfriend he forces me to eat, buying me any and all snacks i didn even ask for but i drink a sip of after and im full.

But regardless, im trying to fix it, but im in the inbetween where i can fall into it at any moment. Just chilling on the edge lol.

Anyways, we came home and now im here, in m bed on my computer writing to you, dear reader.

I’ll be back again tomorrow or later, maybe.

Happy birthday momma.

[foreverpining]

Backstory (10th Grade Part 1 [I'm sorry there's a lot this year])

So summer came and we spent quite a bit of that together as well. They even went to one of my therapy appointments with me and met my therapist. At this point things were starting to get a little more heated between us. They'd lost their virginity already although I had not. We came really close a couple times that summer at my aunt's house while everyone was busy, in my room when they'd got there but my mom didn't know yet to keep an eye on us. School came again and as always it comes with struggles. None so much as 9th grade brought our friendship tho. We'd sit in the afternoons after school discussing the future how we'd move out and get an apartment together as soon as we could. We even with the ever growing closer act of sexuality discussed possibilities for if a certain surprise were to happen even tho I was on birth control. We spent their birthday on the couch in the living room of my parents house I had made them cookies to take home as a birthday present. Just a few days later he was back over for Halloween but our planned event was cut short by my existential crisis about growing older so we decided instead to go trick or treating one final time. It was the last time I trick or treated and I'd honestly go so far as to say my favorite we wondered through neighborhoods going house to house until it was far too late and everyone was out of candy. They had braces so when we got back to my house to trade candy till their dad got there they ended up giving me pretty much everything they got and left with a left chocolate candies at my insistence. We at least one day together every week that whole year leading up to the big event of 2018 Christmas. The Christmas I'll never forget. We discussed it and both of our families celebrate Christmas on Christmas Eve so we decided we could spend the day together. Now I haven't actually noted this yet but a big barrier of us making it to third base was my mom was a helicopter mom and she was constantly checking in on every few minutes. Well she had agreed to my bestie spending Christmas with us rather far in advance but when the day actually came she ended up being sick. Since she'd already agreed she still let my bestie come over. When they got there the first thing we did was I excited gave them their presents. A T-Shirt from the show The Flash off the CW and a little Iron Man plush, because my bestie really loves comics. Actually side note years ago around this time they made a tumblr and most of what they posted on it was shower thoughts and Batman AUs. Back to the story my bestie didn't really have money to get me anything so they'd written me a note that I actually lost sadly so I can't show you but it was really sweet and gave me like a dollar and some change which I ended up taking to the dollar tree and buying a little teddy bear and told them that would be their gift to me. I let them name it and they named her Aurora. So we were sitting in there after that completely unsupervised and one thing lead to another and we went all the way on that fateful Christmas day. After we finished we cuddled on the couch ate some leftover Christmas foods from my family's celebration the day before. Then their dad got there to pick them up I expressed to them I was really sad for them to leave and since they'd changed into the shirt I'd gifted them they gave me the one they had came to my house wearing that day. I have taken that shirt to psych wards because it feels like it gives this comfort only their energy does. After that the rest of winter break seemed to fly by but something felt off. It felt like my bestie was trying to distance their self from me. I didn't think too much of it cause we would have a class together the next semester of school. Sadly my dear reader I do have to tell you this is where our story takes a dark path for a while, from the other side I will tell you it becomes lighter with time. Sorry have to make pt 2 10th grade was a lot.

[xoxorhiannon]

"so tell us about him. c'mon" Gavin whined while he's tugging my shirt.

i sat down with them on the floor, it was 3 in the afternoon i could feel the afternoon sun gracing my face. the kids at the kindergarten where I was doing my part time job were so eager to get to know the man in my stories i would often tell them.

"please, ate wybee, what's he like?"

I smiled into a memory.

"well, he was kind. caring. thoughtful. respectful. and he likes to tell dad jokes, most of them are really corny." i can't help but roll my eyes and smile while remembering everything about him.

"he puts everyone first before him. he'd always be there anytime you need him. he.. he makes time for you." I paused, letting the memories wash over me.

"he's like a darker shade of red. the kind of red that leaves a stain on your shirt." I sniffed.

"like a ruby red?" Bella asked, inching closer to me.

"Yeah. A ruby. His presence is as deep as a ruby. when he's around, you just feel like you're safe. like nothing bad would ever happen." I stared down on my ankles, taking quick little breaths as I struggled to keep myself from crying in front of their innocence.

"so like any super heroes?" one of the kids asked eagerly.

I laughed at the thought because actually, he was. to me. i lost count of how many times he managed to save me from my thoughts and silence. i lost count of how many times he tried to make me happy on days that i am not.

"yeah, in a way."

"well, do you still talk to him? can we meet him?" I shook my head slowly as I try to find the exact words on how to tell them that no, they will never meet him. that no, i haven't heard anything about him anymore. that no, i'm not seeing him anymore. that no, we don't talk anymore.

I try to choke back the lamp on my throat as I struggle to find the words to tell them, that it was my fault why they'll never have the chance to meet him. that it was me who asked him to walk away. that it was me, who decided it would be best if don't speak to each other ever again. that it was me, who regret everything that have been said and done.

but a single tear have managed to escape my eyes as I told them no.

"but why?" Clarisse asked, getting curious and frustrated at the same time.

"I understand you want to meet him, I do too. I want to see him again, too." I composed myself and blinked rapidly to brush away the sting in my eyes caused by some salt air.

"let's just say that He and I, are now both busy with what we wanted to do in life as grown ups. because you know, when you grow up, a lot of inevitable things happen in life. and those are things you have no control of. they just happen, and you just let them happen."

"but didn't you tell us before that If you want something to happen in life, you make it happen? you said you want to meet him too." Gavin asked, locking his gaze in my eyes, innocence pooling in his iris.

I smiled hearing the words that I used to hold on to.

"but we don't know if he wants to meet me anymore, kid. just because I wanted to, doesn't mean I can just do it."

I stood up and started cleaning up the room. the kids went back to playing. while i am piling up the books in the counter, i felt a tug on my shirt. I turned around and it was Peter.

"Yes, Pete?"

"ate wybee, my Mom told me that sometimes we only think that our old friends don't want to see us anymore is because we are scared to face the changes that took place in between those times that we haven't seen each other."

I stared at Peter as he went back to his friends to play. I sat there letting his words sink in my bones, lost in words, forever haunted by a realization.

maybe i am. maybe i am scared of confronting the reality that took place overtime. maybe i am just scared that when we meet, we won't be able to pick up where we left off.

maybe i am scared to see that he managed to move on, and it was me who got stuck in memories all along.

maybe i am terrified that he's no longer there, the moment i reach out again.

- the rubies that i gave up, 2024.

[junglekarmapippa]

I had to wait at the doctor. So I wrote a cute ficcy.

Robert James Finnsen dragged his feet all the way along the hallway and into the family music room, his gaze never leaving the floor, despite his racing mind being a thousand miles away from him.

His parents had returned from work and were lounging. His father was reading the newspaper and his mother, a book. He sat on the couch across from them.

The butler moved immediately to pour him a cup of coffee.

“No,” Robert said to stop him. “I’m alright, thanks.” The butler nodded and moved back to stand by the wall. Robert looked at him and said: “Miles, can you… can you give us a moment?”

The butler nodded and walked out of the room, closing the door behind him. His request made both of his parents put down their reading material.

“is everything okay, honey?” Maura asked, looking concerned.

Robert forced himself to look at her. “Mom.” He looked at his father. “Dad, I have an important question to ask. Please, tell me the truth.”

Maura’s hand found Albert’s and they clasped their hands together. Robert looked at their hands with a sad face. He had the inkling they knew what he was going to ask. He couldn’t look at them as he asked: “Am I adopted?”

They both sucked in loud breaths and clasped each other’s hand even tighter. Robert looked at them and they both avoided his eye, looking at the floor.

“Right,” Robert said nodding. He had his answer. He got up an left the room, feeling his eyes burning with tears.

Well, at the very least that explained the deal with the shark spirit. He walked into the pool house and locked himself in, so he could sit down and cry.

He wasn’t hurt by the fact he was adopted. That was okay. It changed nothing as far as he cared.

It was the lie. What hurt him was the lie. And the fact they didn’t even try to tell him the truth when given the chance.

He cried for a good hour.

Having made up his mind about pretending he hadn’t asked, he dried his cheeks, washed his face, and returned to the manor for dinner. He walked into the dinning room as normally as he could, saw his parents were already seated at the table, and joined them, giving them a calm smile. His mother’s makeup was smeared. He pretended not to notice.

“What’s for dinner?” Robert asked as he put the napkin across his lap.

“We don’t know,” his father replied in a grumble.

“Oh, okay.”

Silence fell between them as the kitchen crew came out and served their plates. It was roasted chicken and mashed potatoes, Robert’s favorite. He prepared for a heavy dinner table talk.

“Great, my favorite,” he said, grabbing his knife and fork. “I’m starving.”

“Robert,” his father called. Robert dropped his slightly forced smile and looked at him. “About that question…”

“What question?” he asked, deciding to keep pretending nothing had happened.

“You asked if you’re not our son,” his father reminded him.

Robert looked at his parents and put the cutlery down. “I didn’t ask that.”

“You did, earlier this afternoon,” his father said, grabbing his wine glass. “Or was that your evil twin?”

“I didn’t ask if I’m not your son,” Robert replied, looking at the butler to ask for wine for himself. “I asked if I’m adopted.”

“Same difference.”

“No,” Robert insisted. He looked at the butler again. This time, the very efficient servant understood his silent request and left the room immediately. “I asked if I’m adopted.”

“Isn’t that the same thing?” his mother asked, looking at her plate with disgust.

“No, it’s not. At least, not to me.”

His mother looked at him and he smiled, reaching across the table to dry a tear from her cheek.

“I am your son. You have loved me and guided me and protected me and taught me all my life and nothing will change that. I am your son. You are my parents. That was not my question, that was never a doubt in my mind.” His parents looked at each other confused and then looked at him. “All I wanted to know is if we share genetic material. That’s all. It’s relevant for things like my medical story and…” he trailed off, looking at his father.

“The animal spirit tradition of our family and the Pai Zhua,” Albert told his wife. She nodded.

They looked at each other again and Albert took Maura’s hand again. Robert smiled and got up, to stand between them and put his hand over theirs.

“I already have my answer, you don’t have to say it.”

“I’m so sorry, honey,” his mother whispered.

“What for?”

“Well, we—”

“It’s okay. Mom, dad, I feel even more loved now.”

“More loved?” Albert asked.

“Yes. This means you didn’t have me, you chose me. You chose to be my parents and that is even better.”

“Oh, honey,” his mother said, getting up to hug him tightly. “You’re such an angel.”

Albert got up and hugged them. “You looked so sad when you left the music room…”

“I was hurt because you had lied to me, because you thought I wouldn’t love you or appreciate as much if you said yes. I would never do that. You are my parents, nothing will ever change that.”

His mother kissed him on both cheeks and he kissed her back. He turned around and kissed his dad on the cheek too, which prompted the father to do the same.

“I love you,” Robert said. He returned to his seat. “Now, if you don’t mind, I am starving and mom obviously asked for my favorite, so I’m gonna tuck in before it gets cold.”

“Going to eat my dinner, Robert,” his mother corrected as she put the napkin across her own lap.

“Sorry,” Robert said with a smile, having obviously baited her. “I’m going to eat my dinner before it gets cold.”

“The reason I insist with the shark spirit is blind hope, I guess.”

“How come?”

“It’s a surprisingly common spirit in the Nordic region, where we... Maybe we got luckier than we thought.”

Robert nodded while he finished chewing and swallowed. “Maybe.”

He put another bite of food in his mouth and looked at his father. Maybe he could fake having the shark spirit for him, at least until his real spirit manifested. Maybe he could convince the shark to come to him, who knew? He’d have to look for scrolls about at the academy’s library.

He swallowed his chicken and closed his eyes for a second.

He heard a single howl in the back of his mind.

Oh, no.

[timeoverload]

I had such a crazy day and I'm glad it's over. It started out pretty good and everything was running smoothly and then shit hit the fan over something that shouldn't have been a big deal. I was washing a cataract pan and I noticed that I was missing a kuglen manipulator. I went to tell the eye coordinator about it right away and she got upset that I didn't notice it yesterday. She is always so critical of me and she talks to me like I'm a child when I make a mistake. I can take some criticism but she rarely says anything nice. I thought that maybe it had gotten put in another pan by accident and I told her I would look for it. That didn't stop her from interrogating me about not going through the check sheet every time when I have that pan memorized. I also have less than 10 minutes to turn over my pans before things start to pile up so sometimes I miss things despite being very detail-oriented. I also am responsible for at least 120 surgeries a week by myself and it's hard to handle that after a while. I sort of snapped on her because of how overwhelmed I am. I tried to keep my distance from her the rest of the day and she knew I was pissed. I was still nice when I was forced to talk to her. I'm not the only person she talks to that way and she acts like she's above everyone else because she has been there so long.

I had an hour long meeting with the director this afternoon so I could talk about the situation. He told me he would talk to her about it and he did. She was very nice to me after he talked to her so maybe things will change but I don't know what to think. While I was at the meeting, the girl who was covering for me found the kuglen manipulator in another pan so I feel like all of that drama was for nothing.

I also talked to the director about having to stay late all of the time and he said he would try to get the techs to help out more. The cases were running late today so he said he would find a tech to wash the last 2 pans. That also caused a lot of unnecessary drama. I was in decontam and one of the techs came in yelling at me. I have known her a long time and we started there on the same day. She also worked in my department for a year. She has never talked to me that way and it took me by surprise. She was so mad about having to stay late because "some person" has to leave. I had to tell her that "that person" is me but she kept complaining. I don't know what I did wrong other than want to go home at my scheduled time. She had to stay late anyway so I don't understand why it was such a big deal to her because it doesn't take very long to do. She said that she would talk with me before I had to leave but I couldn't find her so that was frustrating. I decided to just tell the charge nurse I needed to go because I wasn't going to wait around for her. I got changed and clocked out. She was sitting in the lobby for some reason when I was leaving. She apologized for acting the way she did so I guess that made me feel a little better. I think I am just going to stay late if I have to from now on unless someone actually offers to take over for me. I don't want to ruin anyone's day. I don't want anything like that to happen again and it makes me feel guilty if I don't stay.

I'm glad I'm home now. I took a shower and my dad made me dinner so that was nice of him. I haven't been able to do much else because I feel like I got hit by a truck. I think I should get ready for bed soon because I'm so tired. I'm hoping that tomorrow will be less stressful for everyone. I'm going to do my best to stay optimistic. I know things will get better soon.

I hope everyone else has a good day tomorrow!!! :) 💖💖💖