#of ocurse it was going to be kimchay who do you take me for?

[divorcedmalewife]

KP Anniversary Week 3; Prompt "Confession"

also posted on AO3!

Kim has never been very forthright. Very rarely is he ever direct and honest about anything in his life. 

Porchay, Kim is quickly realizing, is the exception. 

It’s been weeks since they tentatively started talking again and Kim likes to think they’ve become friends, in a weird sort of way. Kim wasn’t too sure he could be “just friends” with Porchay. But he would try. He would do anything to keep Porchay in his life. To keep his warmth and love as close as possible. 

Has Kim said any of this out loud? Of course he hasn’t. Kim has learned from a very young age that you should only tell someone the truth as a last resort. That trusting someone with your true intentions and thoughts is dangerous. 

Porchay is the opposite of Kim in that respect. He has always worn his heart on his sleeve and preferred telling the truth over a lie. Even if they lie would make his life easier. 

Kim isn’t used to the kind of honesty that Porchay brings to his life. It’s… refreshing in a way. It’s simple for Kim. He knows that no matter what, he can rely on Chay to tell him the truth. To be honest with him. 

Even in everyday life, Porchay just says what he wants to; say’s what he‘s thinking. 

“I love hia but I swear if he asks me one more time if I’m okay, I may have to punch him.”

“I don’t know if it’s just because I’m in a pissy mood but Khun is being annoying today.” 

“Your dad fucking sucks.” 

“You should wear the denim jacket more, it looks good.” 

“I like your apartment way more than the compound. I hate it here.” 

Kim finds himself replying honestly and not just saying what he thinks Porchay wants to hear. It’s a change — saying what he means and meaning what he says without worrying about what the consequences are. But that’s the effect Chay has on him. 

“Your brother can be irritating. He’d probably let you punch him though.” 

“Khun is literally always annoying. Want me to pick you up?” 

“Yeah…. He does.” 

“I like it more than the leather, actually.” 

“On my way.” 

Each time Kim lets himself be open and honest with Porchay, it feels like a secret confession. 

When Porchay reached out to Kim for the first time, asking for answers, Kim readily gave them to Porchay. He was ready to lay it all out for him. And he did. The moment Porchay asked questions, Kim gave him the honest truth. 

“Yes, it was me who left all those bodies at the bar.” 

“Yes, I loved your song, it meant everything to me.” 

“All the time we spent together was real to me too.”

But there is one thing Kim is still keeping close to his heart. He hasn’t told Porchay that he loves him. 

Porchay probably knows; he’s smart like that. But Kim knows he deserves to be told the whole truth. 

Although, Kim doesn’t think he deserves reciprocation, but he’s working on it. And Kim knows better than to make decisions for Porchay. Kim will tell him eventually and he’ll let Porchay decide where they go from there. Porchay will decide if he wants to keep being just friends or if he wants to try again. 

So they keep texting. They keep hanging out. They even play music together again. It’s everything Kim ever wanted since he realized he had fallen for Chay. All that’s missing, in Kim’s opinion, is being able to kiss Porchay and wake up next to him every morning. 

In the end, it’s not even Kim who first brings their relationship status up again. 

One lazy afternoon, Porchay has his head in Kim’s lap and he’s scrolling through social media while Kim reads a book. Kim has a hand in Porchay’s hair. To Kim, the position doesn’t seem entirely platonic; not that he’s going to complain about it. This is where Kim wants Porchay to be anyway. Kim doesn’t give a single fuck that they’re straddling the line between “just friends” and something that isn’t “just” anything.

Porchay could never be “just” anything to him. 

“P’Kim,” Porchay says quietly. 

Kim makes a questioning hum but when Porchay doesn’t say anything else, Kim puts the book down to Look Porchay in the eye — only to find Porchay is already looking up at him. He looks so soft, with his hair askew from Kim’s ministrations and the threadbare t-shirt that he borrowed from Kim’s closet. Kim feels his heartbeat quickly as he stares into the pair of eyes that made him question everything in his life. 

“Yes, Porchay?” Kim asks. 

“You love me,” Porchay says.

He doesn’t phrase it like a question. Like the statement itself is an answer. Kim supposes it is. It’s the answer to why Kim let Porchay in. It’s the answer to everything. Why is Kim doing this? Because he loves Porchay. Why is Kim acting like this? Because he loves Porchay. Why does Kim feel like he’s safe again? Because he loves Porchay. Why does Kim feel like he can be okay again? Because he loves Porchay. 

“Yeah,” Kim replies softly. “I do love you.” It’s just one more honest statement that Kim makes because he knows he can. Because he knows Chay won’t use the truth against him. 

Porchay’s bright smile in response is enough to make Kim know that every vulnerable moment with Porchay is worth it.

“I love you too,” Porchay says.