#but my adhd brain is like You Broke The Rules

[kiiwiigii]

New Life

Demetri x Fem!Reader

Summary: You were new to this life. A life sustained on blood. There were only two rules you had been taught: 1. Don't expose your kind. 2. Never attract the attention of the Volturi.

Warnings:

Kinda-sorta-fluff?

Angsty-ish

Word Count: 1400+

Requested?:Yes! @pooka167 I hope you like it!

Heya, thanks for adding me to your taglist! Could I please request a demetri fic (he currently has a chokehold on me, and I blame my adhd brain for picking the most random things to fixate on🤣) where he meets them by chance while on his way back from a mission for the volturi and the reader is a newborn vampire who's very confused about being a vampire but also a little nervous as the person who turned them had explained the volturi and stuff and they freak out thinking they broke a rule without realising it and Demetri reassures them and takes them back to volterra with him to be a part of the volturi? Thank you 💖💖

A/N: This was fun to write.

I was a mistake, he told me. He thought I was gifted. He thought I would make an excellent addition to his coven. The only thing, he said to me, was that at least I was pretty. And even then I was rather mediocre-looking by vampire standards.

I had wanted to cry then. But vampires can't cry of course. This- this man, had cursed me with an immortal life, only sustained by drinking the blood of others. I couldn't even kill myself if I wanted to. So now I was stuck. Forever nineteen and cursed with a burning in my throat that would never subside.

All because he thought I had been gifted.

Instead, I was about as ordinary as one could be. He had wasted his time seducing me. But I suppose time wasn't really relevant for someone who lived for eternity. And for someone who never slept.

That's what I missed the most from my old life. Sleep. I missed being able to turn off my brain. To dream. That and food. Sadly the smell of human food made me gag now. But the thought of taking a human life also made me queasy.

I had a rather substantial amount of control as a newborn. At least that's what I had been told. But in the 5 months I had been a vampire, I'd had my fair share of slip-ups.

Three weeks ago, Nathan finally decided I was useless and left me with one warning. Don't expose yourself or attract the attention of the Volturi.

He had made the consequences very clear if I were to do either.

Since then it had been a struggle. Finding a place to hide and keeping myself in check. I had a hard time taking the lives of innocents, so instead I turned to looking for criminals, which is easier than anyone would think.

But I had lost control twice. I squeezed my eyes shut at the thought. A had wiped out a whole family the second time. I wanted to gag as venom filled my mouth at the thought. I'd had a sense of mind to make it look like a house fire in the end and then fled the area.

I was in a new town now and had holed up in a warehouse for the night, the sounds of the water of the empty harbor lulled me into a sense of peace.

Until I heard footsteps.

My eyes popped open and my nose flared in alarm. If they were a human they would be dead. The burning in my throat was too much. My control was this close to snapping. I was suddenly on my haunches, hissing softly.

But... it wasn't a human, although whatever it was... smelled absolutely divine. I couldn't put my finger on the exact smell. Only that I really liked it. Pine mixed with... amber, maybe?

It had to be another vampire.

And it was.

"Well, what do we have here?"

My eyes widened at the sight of him. Outside of Nathan, I had never met another vampire. This man was beautiful, with dirty blonde hair, thin lips, and rather angular face. And his eyes were a stunning red.

And his voice...

I met his gaze, feeling a warmth spread through me. I couldn't remember the last time I had felt warmth.

I stood slowly, watching as he gazed at me, mouth slightly agape.

"I have waited centuries for you." He whispered, stunned.

My eyes widened in surprise, and I felt both flustered and confused. Then I caught sight of the necklace around his neck. An intricate 'V' crest.

If I had a beating heart I'm sure it would have slammed out of my chest. I flew backward into the wall, creating a human-shaped imprint before causing it to crumble around me.

The man looked shocked, holding his hands up in surrender.

"I- I promise I haven't done anything. I haven't exposed our kind- I burned- I made it look like a house fire. I promise there was nothing left."

He just gave me a confused look, approaching me cautiously, his hands still out until he was right before me. He squatted down next to me and I cringed away.

"You're not in trouble, love." His voice drifted over me soothingly.

I stared at him warily, despite my body's protests to relax.

"I'm not here to hurt you."

"But- but." My eyes glanced back down to the crest around his neck and he took notice. "Aren't you a part of the Volturi? Aren't you here about the family I killed last week? I'm so sorry-"

"Please relax. I'm not here to punish you for anything. I don't even know what you're talking about, love."

When I still wouldn't relax he held his hand out to me.

"I am Demetri. It is lovely to meet you...?"

I reluctantly took his hand, and if I had still been human I would have blushed violently when he kissed my hand.

"Y- Y/N." I stuttered.

"Y/N."

I really liked the way he said my name.

"Demetri?" A new, deeper voice sounded from behind this… Demetri.

I jumped and cursed myself for not being more aware.

"Just a moment, Felix. I have found something- someone extraordinary."

"Oh?"

Felix came into sight and my eyes nearly bugged out of my head. He was huge. Easily the biggest man I had ever seen. And my eyes didn't miss the golden crest hanging from his neck.

He furrowed his eyebrows as he scanned me. "How old are you?"

"Nineteen."

"I mean in vampiric years. When were you changed?"

I paused, still eyeing him warily. Demetri gave my hand a gentle squeeze.

"Five months. I was changed five months ago,"

"Five months??" Demetri's mouth dropped open in surprise before snapping shut angrily.

I flinched backwards, taking my hand back. He caught himself and relaxed.

"I'm sorry, love. You have done nothing wrong. But why are you on your own? Where is your sire?"

"He left me."

"Left you?" Felix asked.

"Yes. Three weeks ago."

Demetri looked absolutely livid.

"He left you, a newborn, on their own?"

I chewed my lip and his eyes zeroed in on them, his beautiful red eyes darkening a little.

"Who is your sire? Why did he leave?" Felix murmured.

I looked down at my knees guiltily, picking at my worn jeans. Suddenly I was very aware of how disgusting I must appear to them. To Demetri. I shook my head, warmth filling me again at just the thought of him.

"Y/N?"

Demetri's hand appeared over my own, stopping my fidgeting.

"His name is Nathan. I'm not sure where he is now. He- he changed me because he thought I had a gift, but when- when it turned out I didn't…" I blinked harshly at the venom pooling in my eyes. "He left me. He only allows those that are gifted in his coven."

Demetri hissed angrily before taking a deep breath to calm himself. He clasped my hand and lifted it to his lips again. I sucked in a surprised breath myself.

"Why don't you come with Felix and me back to Volterra? We will welcome you with open arms, gift or not."

I looked at Demetri, his pleading eyes staring into my own. I had been warned about the Volturi, but here were two members of the coven who had shown me the most kindness since I had awoken into this new life.

"And it would mean the world to me. To have you there with me."

"You- you said that you had been waiting centuries for me." My voice was barely a whisper. "What does- what does that mean? What did you mean?"

Demetri and Felix shared a look before the latter began to walk away, perhaps to give us a semblance of privacy.

"What did your sire tell you about vampires? About our world?"

His thumb rubbed circles into my now open palm, a gentle caress that helped me finally relax.

"He explained the basics, like feeding and staying inconspicuous. He mentioned that some vampires have gifts… and about the Volturi." I met his eyes then.

"Nothing else?"

I shook my head and in a surprise move, he leaned forward and kissed me gently on the forehead. I felt my body begin to heat up a little.

"Then I have much to teach you, if you'll come back with me that is."

He was pleading. How could I say no? I thought of them leaving me here- of him leaving me and I couldn't stand the thought of it.

"Okay. I think I would like that."

Demetri grinned, and it was like my whole world was shining.

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[unnonexistence]

Unnonexistence's Notecard Method for Learning Mathematics

Hello! This is the study method I developed after flunking out of first-year university algebra and having to retake it! It may or may not be particularly innovative and it may or may not help you, but I did (eventually) graduate with a Bachelor's degree in math despite having unmedicated ADHD, so, y'know, there's that. I owe it mostly to the notecards.

DISCLAIMER that any example cards are my actual real notes & I am not fact-checking them. They lean towards intuitive rather than strictly correct & were only ever intended to be for personal reference. I did pass these courses, and I think most of the cards are pretty good, but like... use at your own risk.

You Will Need:

A pack of index cards. I like the 3" x 5" ones that are lined on the front and blank on the back.

Some pens you like. I use fine-tip markers in about 4 colours, plus a white gel pen for fixing mistakes. Pencil can get smudgy over time, so it's not ideal.

Any course materials you have (notes, textbook, etc.)

Optionally, a nice box for your index cards. (You can also just use a rubber band or something. Whatever).

General Approach

We're making reference cards. One concept per card. You probably have an intuitive sense of how big A Concept is for you - it should be an amount of information that can comfortably fit in your brain at one time. If it doesn't fit on one or maaaybe two cards, it's probably too big.

Here's a topic I broke up into two cards - Chain Rule and Extension of Chain Rule. One IS an extension of the other, but the information is a lot easier to remember in two chunks. (3 pictures, here, because the first card is double-sided).

You are NOT trying to cram as much information as you can onto each card. You are trying to create an easy reference for yourself, which means making the cards as clear and legible as you can. When it's 5 minutes before your calculus exam and you're having a panic attack because you forgot how the chain rule works, you want to be able to flip through, find that Chain Rule card, and be able to absorb the information on there.

For math courses, A Concept is often a definition, a theorem, a formula, or a problem-solving approach. As much as possible, you want to write it down in a way that makes sense to you. Add any helpful tips or intuitive explanations or things you keep forgetting. If your cards are blank on the back, that's a great place to draw diagrams.

(On the back of this card you can see where I wrote "Rho" in pencil and never bothered to replace it with the symbol, lol. My prof had bad handwriting & I wasn't sure how it was supposed to look.)

Proofs are often too long to fit on a card, but if you have a theorem where the proof is important, it's a good idea to write out a little summary of how the proof works/how to do it.

Ideally, you do the work of Understanding The Concept when you're making the card, and then you can just refer back to it in future. I forget definitions a lot, and this saved me so much time that I would have spent reading one confusing page of the textbook over and over or trying to find stuff in my notes.

I try to keep my formatting mostly consistent. Clear title. Card numbers in the top right corner so I know if anything's missing. Definitions in black ink with important words underlined in colour. I tend to use coloured ink for things like examples and personal commentary. I also use it to create a visual distinction when I do need to cram something on there (not ideal, but sometimes necessary).

The Method

Sit down with your class notes or your textbook. Your goal is to get all the important concepts you're supposed to have learned in this course so far onto notecards. (Probably not all in one go.)

The ideal time to do this is right after each lecture (most math lectures are around 2-5 cards worth of material), but that's easier said than done. I always had a hard time keeping up & all my card decks, as a result, get spottier towards the end of the term. It's fine. Do your best.

I mostly went through the course material in order. I kept checklists of which lectures I had already made cards for, and which ones still needed doing.

If you don't really get something, but you know you need a card for it, at least put the definition down. You can make a better version or add more notes later. I sometimes make placeholder cards with just a title so I'll remember to come back to something.

If you write down a definition, and you're like "this refers to another thing, and idk what it is but it's come up a few times now," you probably need to make a notecard for that other thing.

How I Use The Cards

When you're doing assignments, it's really useful to have your stack of cards there to refer to. If something comes up that you don't remember the definition for, you can look it up. If you're doing proofs, having all the theorems from the course handy is a great way of getting ideas for where to start. If you're doing calculations, it's helpful to have the techniques you need written out step by step.

I spent a lot of my exam prep time making cards and going through the ones I'd made. It gave me a sense of what I already knew and what I needed to spend more time on. Having things broken up into small chunks also made it a lot easier for my brain to hang onto them.

After making cards like this for a few terms, I also found them really helpful for reviewing concepts from previous courses. Sometimes you just need to refresh your memory on something from the prereq so you're not totally lost. I've graduated now & I still refer back to my cards sometimes.

Conclusion

Well, that's my (somewhat rambly) explanation of my main study method! I hope it's helpful for at least a few people out there. I wish you the best of luck learning math & whatever else you might be studying. You've got this!!

[nephriteknight]

Highlights From My Bells Hells Playlist

So I have a Bells Hells playlist that has some really perfect songs if I do say so myself, and I want to talk about my choices! So here's some of my favorites. (Here is the full playlist btw, with songs ranging from word-for-word-perfect to Just The Right Vibes Idk Man)

Rule #2 - Moonlight by Fish in A Birdcage For Orym :) About a person on the moon singing to their lover on Earth. "All I want is to come home to you." Is this song about Will or about Dorian? I think it's even better because it works for both. There are lines that are for Will and lines that are for Dorian and it's all mixed up and full of longing and in light of recent confessions? Just perfectly heartbreaking. "Finally broke down / Houston, please come in / There's someone that I need to talk to / Honey, how've you been? / I miss you, my dear / There's something that I have to say" "It's good to hear your voice / I'll tell you what the world looks like from up here / there's hurricanes / and blizzards too / please stay safe and warm 'til I get to you"

Control by Halsey For Laudna. This one is very straightforward. "And all the kids cried out please stop you're scaring me / I can't help this awful energy / Goddamn right you should be scared of me / Who is in control?" The rest works pretty well too, there's more lines that feel Very Delilah, it just works.

Allies or Enemies by The Crane Wives For the whole party! I happened to get into this song right when the whole "powder keg" conversation happened, and it's only gotten more relevant. "Are we allies or enemies? This will be the death of me." It's great it's perfect it's them. "What happens now? / Do we have another go / Do we bow out / And take our seperate roads / I'll admit I've had my doubts / But I want to be let in not out" "Remember when I could tell you not to smile when you were mad / And you would always crack / And we'd both be laughing in the end? / Now you're not so quick to forget"

Moving in Place by Shauna Dean Cokeland This song is so Ashton. It's about using drugs as a teenager and feeling stagnated, blaming things on other people, drowning in daydreams where you're awesome, spending time with a group of friends you really care about.... It works quite well. (I also really recommend this song if you have ADHD/use music to stim, it's got really great overlapping vocals and kinda scratchy sound--this is the song I put on when my brain is eating itself and no other music can get through to it. It's great.) "Take me to the far side of the beach / Before it falls into the ocean / Before you notice I'm eroding / I know you don't wanna be lonely / I know 'cause I would feel the same thing" I'm having trouble picking out specific quotes because they're all really wordy and long, but trust me it works and it's a great song.

Soap by The Oh Hellos Ashton! I especially like this for Ashton and Orym (platonic or romantic both are good) but it also works for Ashton and the Hells—and once again, this song hits even harder after the shard incident. As far as picking specific lines I just want to quote like the whole song, but I'll exercise some restraint. "I've heard since I was younger / That oil and water don't mix / They're polar opposites / With a molecular rift you can't fix / But I swear with all your burnt bridges / You can leech what's caustic and find / A rudimentary lye / Some kind of miraculous bind" "Oh, no / I think I'm not quite ready / To let you circle the drain / All the things we've broken / Can be puzzled together again / All your sums and your pieces / Are enough to clean up all / The messes you've made" "I think that you're worth keeping around. I think that you're worth holding onto." "I've heard if I were tougher / Then maybe I'd make it alive / I've got a tender side / I'll need a harder shell to survive / But if seeing is believing / I don't know I've seen a thing grow / Without an open coat / Not without a softness showing / I know maybe you're not quite ready / To loosen your hold / On the safety blanket you've been keeping around your shoulders / But your sums and your pieces / Are enough to make you whole / You gotta let go" "It's gonna hurt like hell / but we're gonna be well / I'll give you my best shot" Oops I basically just quoted the whole song. But look how perfect it is!!

The Leaving of Liverpool (folk song; I like this version by The High Kings) This one's for Dorian! Specifically, for Dorian leaving :( It's an old folk song about going away from home and leaving your love behind. It's not as character specific or detail heavy, but it just feels so right for Dorian having to leaving Orym and Fearne in Jrusar. "So fare thee well my own true love, and when I return united we will be. It's not the leaving of Liverpool that grieves me, but my darling, when I think of thee." My mom and I go to a Celtic Christmas concert every year, and one of the last songs is always this one. Everybody knows it, and they invite us all to join in the chorus. It's a beautiful moment, and I'm so grateful to Brian O'Donovan, the host, who passed away this year. He brought so much joy and gave so many people a piece of their home to enjoy here. He will be missed.

Canary in a Coal Mine by The Crane Wives If the title didn't clue you in, this one's for FCG! It's not just because of the mine, though, it all works really well. This song is about the 'canary', who puts so much into a relationship, doing everything to keep their partner happy and support them, but fears that when they need help themself their partner will abandon them. "Feed me promises, keep my heart well / I'll sing you songs until the darkness does recede / But if in the end I lose my voice / Will you forget about your love for me?" "Let the dirt hang heavy in your chest / Drag me deeper down the long, dark ground / Know that all my love will your breath / I will save you when your lights go out"

Bonus: A Convocation of Fauns (A Faunvocation If You Will) by the Oh Hellos Fearne. The title says it all. (It's just instrumental lol)

[5-htagonist]

god damn im so happy rn... ill stick it under a readmore bc its about food and my appetite idk if it would be triggering also this turned into more of a diary entry than anything lol My Blog My Rules though

i made curry last night and im really happy because ive been having a lot of trouble eating and Making myself eat, on top of being really erally really broke so we havent had much food in the house thats just Ready To Go consistently.. like, we always have oats, but we dont always have milk, and i cant eat them with water.. or we have ham but we run out of bread, or all i want are fruits and leafs but we cant really keep anything except apples/oranges/grapes because they dont go bad before we finish them, or bananas cause they arent really ruined if theyre overripe you just throw them in the freezer. so we cant get salad materials.

if i try to just shove calories in my body and i dont like it i wont finish it. like i will feel full until i stop trying to make myself eat it. and this isnt even just when adderall affects my appetite.

then, on top of all that, i know if i eat i have to do dishes. my husband usually does them, but hes been going through a really bad time for the past couple months too, plus we only moved out july 2023, and before that his mom had been Divorced outta the house earlier that year iirc plus id been living there since july 2022, so his brain and nervous system has felt safe enough for the ptsd recovery stage for nearly 2 years. and he gets hit really hard with seasonal depression, and he has adhd too. he typically does dishes, i typically do laundry. the problem is its easier to wear the same clothes for a few days, or rewear laundry that isnt rancid, or wear ill fitting clothes that have been shoved to the back of the dresser, but its hard to wash a dish when the sink is full and the kitchen is overwhelming.

so, to avoid having dirty dishes, i wont eat. whats worse, is i was insanely stressed over school for like 3 weeks. all the stress i should have had this semester hit me really bad all at once. when im that stressed, i cant think about anything relevant to maintaining myself-- especially not maintaining neutral-positive self talk and constructive self esteem. which means i shut down if anyone needs anything from me real or imagined. which means i cant be there for my husband and make sure he eats and check in on him. so all this stupid shit just feeds into itself. ive had more s/h urges than ive had in years i think, and not even in response to anything extrinsic.

my goofy ass got drunker than i usually do super quick the other night, it wasmy husbands birthday party. i cleaned up the apartment super nice since mostly my stuff was strewn everywhere and did the dishes. i didnt eat all day and i think i had like, one inadequate meal the day before. so i was exhausted after cleaning, our roommate ordered pizza and i ate and passed out for 3 hour nap. by the time i got up everyone was already at Least buzzed. my brother in law got a mom call and my husband (drunk) was like Hey. Give me the Phone.. tell her i wanna talk... because she LOVES being upset that her kids are having a good time and feels the need for Hour Phone Call when and where she wants it, and my BIL is an adult but they dont treat him like one, so hes still really deep in feeling trapped in these trauma responses.

this i think is what really got me, other than not being on my full dose of adderall so my emotional abilities were compromised lmao. i was tryingto tell my husband i love him, because i was leaving to weed store, and he was getting triggered while drunk, so he was annoyed i was interrupting the call and i didnt get my byebyehugnkiss. not to mention they were being really loud earlier. so now i feel bad. i get back immediately down 2 shots (3 shots is where i am Comfortably Drunk) and share a j actually post cancelled kendrick just dropped. the point was that i got too drunk and started hitting myself on the head and crying in the kitchen floor lol but who cares about that KENDRIIIIIIICKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKK

[georgiaandfriends]

Child Of Tartarus-Chapter 7

Dallas POV:

I could still feel the lingering dizziness in my body, my hands trembling. “K-Kairos…what was that?” I ask, dragging myself off the ground. I genuinely thought that this was a nightmare or something, but the pain in my head was real. Kairos sniffled, the blood drying on her top lip.

“I think there's something you need to know..do you know what a demigod is?”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I never expected to be sitting in some Greek god’s living room, with an ice pack pressed to my head. Kairos was next to me, a bag of peas laid across her lap, and a bandaid on her nose.

What I assumed to be her parents sat across from us. So, apparently I’m a child of Zeus, as in the lightning god. And my best friend is a goddess. Now, you may think I’m nuts, and I thought I was too at first but I’m slowly starting to believe it.

Especially since all my life, I’d felt like something was off. I’d never formally been diagnosed with anything, but I’d heard comments here and there about me having ADHD. Despite my entire world being flipped upside down, I felt a sense of closure since I finally knew what was wrong with me. So far conversation had been basically non existent, sure Kairos had made the occasional sarcastic remark, but she seemed tense.

“So. Kairos, you never thought to introduce us to your friend?” The male god said, a smirk tugging at his face. His expression seemed intimidating, yet nonchalant. I still haven’t picked up on which god he was yet, I think Hades?

Kairos scoffed “Well, I thought he was mortal at first” she says, looking at me with a raised eyebrow. Hades nods.

“Right. Now, mortal-” he starts.

“Dallas, my name’s Dallas.” Hades nodded, coughing awkwardly.

“Right, sorry, Dallas. How did you never know you were of godly descent? I’m sure you encountered monsters, considering you’re a forbidden child.” Hades says, adjusting the golden laurel crown on his mop of black hair.

“Forbidden child?” I say. Kairos pats my shoulder.

“You’ll get used to it buddy. It just means your dad broke the rules. Gods in the big three aren’t allowed to have kids.” She says, seeming to find the interaction entertaining despite how tense she seemed.

I shake my head. “I still don’t understand, why didn’t I know? Why can’t I use my powers? Don’t I have powers-?” I say, wringing my hands out with an exasperated expression. Kairos crossed her arms, shrugging.

“I’m not even a demigod, so I wouldn’t know.” She says with a shrug. I look at Kairos again.

I furrowed my eyebrows, before speaking.“I can’t believe that you’re actually a goddess. You just seem so..unassuming?” I say.

Kairos adjusted the peas, pressing them to her stomach. “I mean, I kind of have to keep my cover, considering monsters are- well have been, after me since I got here.” She says, sniffling again

“You know, my brain hurts. Can we get to the point? What's the prophecy you guys keep talking about?” I pry, leaning forward slightly, taking the ice pack of my head and setting it down on the coffee table.

Kairos chuckled bitterly, “Well no wonder your head hurts, you hit a metal fire hydrant.” I punched Kairos in the shoulder, “Hey, Hey- watch the stomach.”

I huff “That was nowhere near your stomach,” I say, smiling. Kairos scowled, waving her hand dismissively.

Hades looked between the two of us with a raised eyebrow, he smirked knowingly. “About the prophecy, we don’t actually know what it entails. It's very complicated, we know there’s a prophecy involving a child of Zeus..and Kairos.” he says seriously.

Kairos sighed, looking over to Hades with a scowl. “At first I thought it was going to be Thalia..but clearly it's you..” she says, looking at me with a scoff. I whipped around, turning to look at her.

“Hey! What's that supposed to mean?” I exclaimed, crossing my arms. She chuckled at me.

“It means you’re inexperienced.” She said, Hades nodded along with her, much to my disdain.

“It means he needs to head to camp,” She added. My eyes widened.

I furrowed his eyebrows “Camp? What about school? And my parents, and my stuff? Am I supposed to just pack up and leave everything behind?” I exclaim, a thousand thoughts running through my mind. I couldn’t just leave could I? Just because Zeus decided to have me doesn’t mean I have to deal with his problems..Yet, I also was intrigued. My life was mediocre. I had to be my mother’s conduit; as she lived her broken dreams through me. Her grip was like a viper, Every little thing had to be perfect, and in her image. I was sick of it..Maybe going to this mysterious magical camp wouldn’t be so bad.

“No, but you’re gonna have to stay there at least for a while.” Kairos says flatly, giving me a knowing look. Her and Kacey were the only ones who knew about my mom. I snapped out of my thoughts and nodded, rolling my eyes.

“Yeah Yeah, I hear you. But, if it's a summer camp, why am I going there now? That makes no sense,” Kairos groaned, face palming.

“Look Dallas, unless you want to come to school the next day in a coffin, I suggest shutting up and doing as I-” She stopped, “We say,” Kairos says, avoiding the stern glare from Hades.

Kairos wasn’t exactly wrong. Preferably, I’d like to stay alive. Hades looked a little too intimidating, and from what I’d seen from my trek down here with Kairos; It didn’t seem like a happy place. “Fine,” I say.

Kairos smiled “Good,” She says, smirking.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

[porcupine-girl]

I can relate to this in two different ways, one of which is closer to what you’re going through emotionally I think but the other of which is probably more useful.

I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder in college. I won’t go into all the details of the in-between, but suffice it to say that just like every god damned person with bipolar disorder does at least once in their life, I was euthymic (normal, basically) for a bit, let my meds lapse, then when I stayed euthymic was like oh it’s fine I’ll get back on the meds if I need them. And then did not.

And for the last couple years of that phase I very much just needed someone to give me permission to need the meds again. To the point that I considered suicide attempts because then someone would see that something was wrong and tell me to get medical help. Because as long as I could hide it, it couldn’t be bad enough to warrant medical treatment. (I know, I know, but depression lies.) Unfortunately this doesn’t have an ending that is helpful to you because what finally happened was that when I was 5-6 months pregnant (a pregnancy that probably saved my life bc I couldn’t figure out how to attempt suicide without hurting the baby) I broke down in my OBGYN’s office and she got me to a psychiatrist and told me yes yes I give my blessings for you to get back on that med while pregnant, please just do it. And you’ve already had a doctor tell you that. But just so you know - I understand how you feel.

What might be useful though is the other times I’ve felt like I needed permission for things, and those are entirely bc of my ADHD. One trick executive dysfunction likes to play is to set up artificial barriers, often fueled by guilt and shame, that you tell yourself will make you more productive but in fact just grind everything to a halt. “I’m not allowed to do X until I’ve done Y.” “I’m not allowed to work on X right now because Y is more important,” “I can’t possibly start on project X until I am Fully Prepared for it which means doing all of Y preparations.”

Obviously sometimes these types of rules are necessary, but some people with adhd have a tendency to set them up when they’re neither necessary nor useful. So for example, for a long time my brain said “you’re not allowed to work on fanfic unless you’ve worked on your dissertation today.” And guess what happened most days? I did neither! All my brain could think about was fic, but I wasn’t allowed to do that, but it wouldn’t switch gears to dissertation.

Finally - and the only reason I ever got my dissertation done - I had to give myself permission to work on whatever my brain wanted to work on that day. And suddenly a dam broke and I was able to get fanfic out of my head to make room for the dissertation and I got both done!

Right now, it sounds like you’re setting up this kind of all-or-nothing approach. “I’m not allowed to Be Disabled unless I have all the disabled merch and am doing everything just right and have fully embraced this identity and dealt with all the implications.” So my advice would be that you don’t need to give yourself permission to do it all at once. Let yourself build this new identity one piece at a time. Work out a schedule to take the meds, but don’t start it yet. Let it sit for a couple days and see if it still makes sense when you look at it again. Buy one item off Etsy and see how you like it.

I’m guessing it will be a lot easier to allow yourself to do one thing, “just to try it out, see how it goes, see if I like it” than to do it ALL. Then each little step will help you get more comfortable with the next one.

If this does not sound like your problem please ignore me! Good luck either way ❤️

Waiting for Permission to Be Sick - Input Requested!

So, I got officially diagnosed with two chronic conditions last week. And the doctor explained to me the details of how these conditions affect my body, and what kinds of symptoms to look out for, and what I can expect life to look like going forward. And I got prescribed meds, and given detailed instructions for when to take them and any side effects I might experience and what to do to help myself feel better if I'm not feeling well, and all of that.

And I just. Haven't done it. I've started taking some of the meds, but not all of them, and like. There's no real reason for me not to? I'm just. Not doing it. Like I've looked up some products on Etsy to have like. Emergency medical info with me so that if I randomly black out or faint again in public, someone could see me and have info know what to do. And I've been looking at pins that say "I have an invisible disability" and aaaaaaaall sorts of stuff. Basically just window shopping for my chronic illness starter kit. But it's been over a week now and I haven't bought anything, and I seem to have convinced myself that I can't start taking my meds until I have all of my Items sorted out and prepared. And like -- there are some actual reasons for this, such as my schedule has been all over the place and my meds need to be taken at multiple times a day at certain intervals, and some with food and some without food, so I need to be able to have that stuff ready to go even when I'm out and about.

But I'm not. Actually doing the work to get everything sorted out and ready? I'm just window shopping. And today, I have been very tired all day because of the rain and because I did too much yesterday, and my head has been hurting because I'm still not over my concussion and I also probably did too much today, even though honestly all I did was go to one class and observe the whole time, and read a couple of emails. And I thought to myself, "well I guess I should take tylenol for my head, and I guess I can give myself permission to do that since my boyfriend is busy and can't tell me to take care of myself --- oh."

I have been waiting for someone to give me permission to identify as chronically ill! Even today I was like "I feel like I've managed to convince myself that I feel worse than I actually do, and I'm actually fine." Even though there would be no real reason for me to be doing that. And like. My head actually hurts! I really did and still do feel tired! And I've seen my test results, and I know that I have a chronic condition. It's been medically confirmed by a bunch of different tests, and multiple medical professionals have been like "yep you've got something wrong with you" (though using more professional and kind words, of course). All of this to say -- I have been waiting for someone to tell me that I am ill and it is chronic and that it is okay to spend money on taking care of myself and things that will make me feel better, even if it is only temporary like the excitement of buying a new pouch that says "This Bag Is Full of Drugs" specifically to keep my medical supplies in, or something to help keep me safe going forward like a medical alert key chain. The only question now is -- what do I do about this? How do I give myself permission to need help or extra accommodations or even just some medication when I never want to admit that I need or want help? I'm so used to being self-sufficient and doing everything by myself that I don't know how to be okay with more problems.

Has anyone else experienced something like this? What do you do? How do you learn to be okay with the fact that your body is not going to go back to the way it was before? I am only 22 and it's hard to accept that my life is not going to look the way I pictured it when I was 18.

[corvidaedream]

just submitted work to a juried (online) show for the first time in my life outside of meca and i have so much anxiety i feel physically ill

[lediableblancdotcom]

After the events of Knights of X #5 and the Death appearance some fans in a FB group questioned the past of Death and Gambit. So I broke out the archives at 3am and listed the Death appearances for them quickly. After a little sleep I threw together a better synopsis. Not only am I surprised how little Deathbit has appeared in the storyline, but how much time lapses between appearances. This is obviously a story that needs to be explained and explored, if anything to put it to rest. So here we go, buckle up for this ADHD fangirl rollercoaster.....

Deathbit first appeared in 2006 on the last page of X-Men (Legacy) #184. It was also followed up by a short story in the back of the comic showing the brutal and heroic creation of the Horseman Death by Apocalypse. This was where we all got a dose of how far Gambit's making stupid decisions for righteous reasons bullshit can go. Also a reminder of how stupidly strong Gambit can be, but no one pays attention.

After that the original story arc of Gambit as Death appeared throughout X-Men (Legacy) #185-#187, where his story was completed as a death gas wielding bipolar Horseman. Apocolypse's control was destroyed fully by the purifying fires of Sunfire, whom was a current Horseman too, but his appearance stayed that of Deathbit. After that Sunfire and Gambit walked off stage left and are not seen again until they are Marauders in their normal form (I think they forgot a few steps there....HELLO!)

Gambit re-joins the team, Death and the Marauders team-up was never really explained and then forgotten, as Marvel does. Deathbit does not pop back up into conversation until 2009, when we get a very random short story in X-Men Legacy Annual #1. Somehow a no name mutant manages to find and release Death just enough to get himself killed. Again, Gambit goes back to normal within a panel or two and it is never mentioned or worried about.

In 2010 we get the Second Coming story arc running through the X-Men titles. In that arc we get the 3 issue mini-series called Hellbound. They send some reject mutants they don't care to lose to Limbo to save Utopia. While there, Deathbit reappears and fully takes over as main persona after seeing Limbo as Horseman Disneyland, a nice place to rule. This is the first time we actually see him use his ability to take prisoners as little Death slaves. He possesses Dazzler and Northstar and controls them. Now this seems like it would have been a more useful power than the death gas we got in the first appearance, but hey. This time Death was shoved back down by Pixie and Magik combining their powers and stabbing him at the same time. Again, Deathbit exits stage left and never spoke of again.

Death is a fever dream to most, until 2022. Twelve years later they bring Deathbit back into play in Knight of X. After some magic and roundtable tomfoolery, he reappears and starts playing his murder spree among his peer circle, like usual. He does again try to use his death slave thing, but the death gas was never used or mentioned. In the end, he was again stabbed by a magic sword thanks to Betsy and burned by purifying fire by Sunfire, bringing him back to himself.

So, will this be the end of Deathbit? Or are we just going to have to wait another decade for his reappearance. It is obvious that Death was never removed permanently from Gambit, but it is being trapped in their somehow. It would have been nice to hear what happened between Gambit and Sunfire leaving as Horsemen and returning as Marauders in regular form. It would be nice to hear some history before all the readers forget what the hell happened a decade ago. Oh well, there is the information, do with it as you will. Until the next time I need to purge my brain.... - As an extra bonus, a "family portrait" appeared in All New X-Factor #17 of Deathbit and his Horsemen family, but there was no storyline to it, just a quick reminder that it happened in the characters' pasts.

[pacificwaternymph]

Head-cannons straight from my tired 1:00 brain

This isn’t for a specific au these are headcannon that I had that I wanted to get out strap in they are Joel focused

I headcannon that the reason season 1 Joel doesn’t believe in demons is because he took the throne at a very young age and had to grow up quickly. Because of that he shuts down anything he considers childish like believing in demons

He has ruled a very long time. Not as long as Scott or Lizzie, who are immortal, but still surprisingly long he devoted himself to the empire because he had known nothing else

He didn’t believe in true love until he met and fell in love with Lizzie. Befriending Lizzie and jimmy was the first time since becoming king he felt like he could allow himself to be childish.

He became king at nine years old, not even making it to double digits before he was made responsible for a whole empire

Joels clone citizens are made out of clay. Season one Joel died of heart break but before he did he made one more creation: his magnum opus a more handsome more powerful and more tall version of himself

Before the successful cloning happened he traveled from empire to empire, taking in survivors, but when he checked the more magical empires he found a spell a way for him to make his clone immortal and far more power then him and all others that came before he took inspiration of his goddess wife while making his greatest creation. So he used gods from myth like Roman or Greek for inspiration on his clothes and build

Magic in empires is color based. The two most prevalent colors are red like red stone or the nether and purple like amethyst and the end Joel found the magic needed to make the powerful clone in Rivendell, they specialized in icy magic, but colors are the foundation of all magic so they needed a basic understanding of there capabilities.

Color magic is actually code for soul or life or emotion magic that’s what is needed to perform magic. Emotions power the soul and life can not function with out a soul. If a life lost a soul they would lose emotions and become a husk, so magic is powered by all of them.

Joel always made his clones by giving them some of his soul, but with s2 Joel he put all his magic/soul into his masterpiece. He had nothing else at that point so he was taking risks.

The two Joels are separate but also not. s1 Joel is sort of a ghost, a black and white, emotionless guy that only s2 Joel can communicate with aka: editor Joel.

I think it would be ironic if season 2 Joel was a statue because he makes fun of jimmy for being a inanimate toy when he himself was a statue. I think it was like a Frankenstein monster situation, he made him primarily with him and Lizzies traits, and he was like his son, but he would not allow himself to open up again. So s2 Joel he thought his creator hated him

He died of heart break but not just because his empire was destroyed, it was more than that he had devoted so much of his life to that empire only for it to be destroyed right in front of him and for his loved ones to leave with out saying goodbye.

Losing Lizzie was the worst of it. When she came into his life he slowly started to believe in true love and the possibility of living happily ever after, but it ended exactly how he thought it would: heartbreak.

It took a worrisome amount of time for me to notice I have wasted 2 hours of my life writing down half though up and disconnected head cannons I think they are good ideas that don’t fit in the same thing but I’m to mentally drained to rearrange it more then I have please take something from my rambling and of topic tangents if you can that makes sense or not I’ve ran out of motivation and my adhd brain has randomly decided to stop hyper focusing on this for the time being it’s 1:00 am it’s a school night I’m tired now good bye

-

Ooh those are really interesting! I have seen some theories floating about similar to this, but never one so in depth!

I hope you don't mind, I broke it up a bit to make it easier for me to read haha.

These are really cool! Thanks for sharing with me.

[0verthinking1t]

It's all in the subtext: the conversation adults are actually having with young ADHD children

It's taken a loooong time for me to figure out how to put this into words right. I have always, always been mad about how childcare professionals and parents handle teaching ADHD kids coping skills. When you are 6, and a very nice teacher takes you aside for some calm down time, and coaches you on how to not be mad when other kids upset you or how to be a good listener to others, or how to compromise and do what someone else wants to instead, it never pops into your head for a second to question why, if your brain is the one that's sick, YOU have to be taught to understand and forgive everyone else for not being able to control it. It took me 28 years of life to figure out that the "skills" and "coping strategies" I was given to work with were all centered completely on not acting neurodivergent in front of others; on not letting my disability inconvenience everyone else. I want to share this hypothetical conversation from an ADHD 6 year old's perspective— my perspective, in hindsight. This is the subtext many adults and I were speaking in, that I never knew existed until years later after my own search for answers. It's the very deep, old root of a problem with many branches, from self-esteem issues, to communication breakdowns, to rejection sensitivity, and more. We are conditioned to expect bad things to happen when other people see our feelings. We are conditioned to believe we are being too clingy, too selfish, too rude, when we say what we feel. I can't tell a friend that I'm not having fun playing this game with him, because I feel guilty for not liking what he likes. I can't tell my boss that a broken shelf is stopping me from doing my job well, because I feel like I'm bothering her and complaining instead of finding a solution on my own. All of it starts from subtext like this.

Adult: Yelling and having a tantrum because someone else wants to share the crayons is not ok.

Me: but... Why

A: Because it's mean. The other kids are allowed to use them too. Think about their feelings first.

M: but I had a really urgent idea for a picture to draw, and I need them

A: That's ok, but you still have to share. Your drawing is not more important than that other kid's.

M: but.... It is tho? The picture is filling my head and won't go away. And last week you said I was bad because I wouldn't listen to you in class when I let something else fill up my head, so I have to get rid of it.

A: it's still not ok to scream tho. You need to use your words and tell the other kid that.

M: I did. He looked at me funny and said things filling up your head isn't real and I was making it up. He wouldn't listen to me, so I had to talk louder. Besides, I wasn't crying because I don't want to share with him. I was crying because I don't remember where I put the crayons when I can't see them, unless I put them down in the same place right next to me every time. I was crying because he kept taking them without asking and not putting them back in the specific spot I was keeping them. It made drawing my picture really hard to do, and I was really upset about that.

A: people don't just forget things when they don't look at them, that's wrong. you were actually just being picky about the crayons because you have a Picky Person Brain. Picky Person Brain kids always feel things wrong and get upset when they're not allowed to. You have to follow the special extra rules for Picky Brains, like simply letting people talk instead of you, and not being upset. I'm very mad you broke these rules.

M: I— I don't understand how to follow those rules??? Nobody told me there were extra rules just for me, that's not fair! You can't be mad at me for something you haven't explained yet!

A: I just did explain them, and they're special for you because everyone else already knows them and obeys them just fine. I don't think it's possible for you to to not know what all the other kids do; you're just being contrary on purpose!

M: no! .... Fine. What do you want me to do to make you happy again?

A: it's ok, Picky Brains can't help that they're hardwired differently than everyone else's. I just want you to pretend extra hard like you're not! It's easy!

M: sssooo it's my fault...... That I can't do things everyone else can....... And the right way to fix that...... Is to just. Make myself do them. And not fail, because that's also my fault. Just. Just let them take the crayons and hide them wherever they want and not say anything, because the worst thing I could ever possibly do to another person, is make someone else upset.

M: I give up on crayons forever then, since there's always a chance I could make someone upset by doing it wrong. And I'll stop saying what I actually need to say when I have feelings, because my feelings also make others upset. In fact, I think to be safe, I'm just going to say nice, fun things all the time for the rest of my life, so nobody can ever be mad at me again. I don't know fun ways to say "I'm hurt" or "I need something" or "I don't have the ability to do that" or "I don't like when you do that", so uuuhhhh..... That's fine! I'll just stay this far away from everyone every time something is wrong. They can't be upset with me if they can't see me be sad! Don't make people upset; yes, ok, I can do that. Problem solved!

A: ..... Yeah, exactly. Just don't be what you are. Picky Brain Rules are that you have to work extra hard to be super calm and emotionally mature about everything for the rest of your life; everyone else gets to feel and do however they want. Glad you get it now, kid— see, look how much I'm helping you fit in, and you can use the cool secret "just don't be mad" tip to be like everyone else whenever you want now!

Me: !!!— ....

A: good talk. We did something productive just now. I'm going to assume this conversation is over forever, and expect you to immediately change everything about yourself starting today. If you don't, I'm going to lose my patience and just send you straight to detention/time out/other punishment you won't understand.

[healinghamster]

accepting adhd

this is something i wanted to write about for a long time but i didn't have a chance or a place to put my thoughts in. now i have this blog so i want to share some thoughts about adhd and accepting it as a part of my life.

when i first realised i might have it, i cried. because it is chronic, because it means i will never be "perfect" student, i will never be "organised" like i wanted to. past forward around 5 years. i have my official diagnosis, i am finally medicated, i have been in therapy for several years. and it is still hard. because no amount of therapy or meds can change the fact that my brain is adhd. but the way i feel about it completely changed and if a young person is reading this, i promise it is not as bad as it seems. i have a typical overachiever, perfectionist mindset and fear of rejection yada yada consequences of having adhd as a child and being "gifted" (so i compensated with it and a lot of efforts for a while). so my goal was to live to that perfect image everyone was expecting from me. i was somehow convinced that i should live "properly" with a set of rules, and if i don't - i am a failure. when adhd crossed this "proper" life once and for all of course i was upset. not because adhd is a bad thing, but because i was conditioned to believe that my worth is based on all of those things. i thought i broke free from that mindset years ago but it turned out recently i didn't. i still wanted to "compensate" for my adhd to reach the neurotypical standard, to be on the same level and beyond. i wanted to be adhd but at the same time be able to magically transform into a neurotypical person when needed. of course, it doesn't work like that.

when i started medication and already had a set of coping mechanisms set in place, i had a breakdown because it was still hard for me to function. i barely feed myself, i have troubles with noise and texture and movements and a billion of other things that do not get resolved that easily. thankfully, i have good friends who care about me and help me but that is not the point. the point is, i am still adhd, and if i dare, it is actually disabling. i can't count how many times it made something impossible for me to do and i knew it was because of adhd and could do nothing about it. it is not about "trying hard enough", on the contrary - i had several extreme burnouts because i pushed myself beyong my limits.

what is the answer in this situation? i just started learning to accept my adhd may be a disability (in my case, at least) and i need to be careful about my limits. i am more important than any work despite what i was told as a child. it really is not easy to just shift your mindset like that but i think working on it is more important than, again, having a perfect result from forcing yourself. i stopped being angry at myself for not cleaning, for sleeping instead studying, for being impulsive with my words (though i do check in with people if they are uncomfortable with it, so far everything was good though), for struggling with hygiene.

it is totally ok to be adhd. it is totally ok to have a messy room. it is totally ok to struggle with "simple" things. it is totally ok to ask for help with small tasks. until you are alive and trying, it is ok. and if somebody thinks it is not - that's their problem and they need to educate themselves about things.

[tamabbyboi]

Your Pain- Shouto Todoroki

Pairing: Shouto Todoroki x reader

Synopsis: Soulmate au! You could feel your soulmate's pain your entire life, and when you met Todoroki you immediately recognized the scar on his face and it's alignment with the searing pain you once felt from your soulmate.

Based off of and a continuation of my soulmate au headcanons which also include Tamaki and Kaminari! One-shot based off of Tamaki's.

Quirk: Teleportation quirk!

Word Count: 1.51k

A/N: Hello! I loved writing this one oml the dialogue section isn't long but I never really write dialogue so it's kinda refreshing. This took way too long for me to write for how long it is but ADHD brain go brr. Also the title makes this sound very angsty but I literally could not think of a title without the word pain in it so here we are. Anyways I hope you enjoy!

As always if you want to request from me feel free just read my rules first! For more of my work check out my masterlist!

Warnings: Todoroki's childhood I wanna fistfight Endeavor let me fistfight Endeavor

You were never one of those people who doubted the existence of their soulmate, never having felt their pain. In fact, you counted those people as lucky, your situation was much worse. You had been feeling your soulmate's pain your entire life. You've lived in constant worry for them as long as you can remember, feeling the scrapes, bruises, and sometimes even burns that your soulmate endured, the nature of which lead you to believe they were undergoing harsh training.

It was when you were 5 that you knew their situation was truly terrible. You were woken up screaming from the searing pain around your left eye, feeling as though boiling water was poured onto your face. It was the worst pain you had ever experienced, and you knew your soulmate was experiencing it much worse.

It was then and there, at the ripe age of 5, that you decided you were going to do everything within your power to help your soulmate, and others like them. It was then and there that you decided to become a hero.

You waited through years of feeling their pain, years of their training, years of concern for them, to finally get to UA. You had undergone a bit of training yourself in order to strengthen your teleportation quirk, swearing to be quick enough to avoid injury, not wanting to add even more to your soulmate's pain.

When you walked into class on the first day and saw Todoroki, the first thing you noticed was the placement of his scar. Not the scar itself, but the fact that it was in the exact place that you felt the excruciating burn as a child. You had always assumed that it would have left a scar, and though you couldn't be sure that your new classmate was your soulmate, something clicked when you first locked eyes. It just felt right. You knew this had to be it.

Although, his father is the number 2 hero. What kind of a hero would do that to their own child? Though sick, it would explain the training, and possibly even the slight unease you had always felt with Endeavor, as if your instincts knew exactly what he was doing behind closed doors.

You decided not to immediately confront the situation, Todoroki didn't exactly seem like one for social interaction, more like someone who needs to warm up to people over time. You had bigger things to worry about on your first day of hero school anyways.

Despite choosing to prioritize other things, your suspicions were confirmed when training began. Todoroki was one of the most powerful in the class, and it took a little while to see him actually get hurt in class training, but when you did and felt it as well you weren't exactly surprised. What really broke your heart was when you felt the evidence that he was still training outside of school.

You made an effort to befriend Todoroki, you hadn't known him for very long but you could tell that you should wait to tell him how exactly you two were connected, you barely knew each other. He was terribly stoic, no doubt a result of the childhood you knew had to have been rough, and didn't seem to make friends easily.

You, however, managed to break through his barriers and over time became closer and closer to him. You found yourself slowly falling for your soulmate, though you still didn't know how to breech the subject with him.

The nature of your quirk made it easy to avoid injury, you could teleport away from anything coming at you. Your training made you able to do it quickly and you had built up your stamina as well. It wasn't like you never got hurt during training, but it wasn't exactly a common occurrence.

Todoroki hadn't personally seen you get hurt, thus never making the connection that you were his soulmate. You felt slightly guilty that you knew all this time without telling him, but couldn't bring yourself to have that conversation. You were scared of ruining the relationship the two of you already had.

It wasn't until almost halfway through the year that you finally sustained an injury in front of Todoroki. You were paired up against Bakugou for a training exercise and he had you teleporting around until you were near fainting. This fight was one of the longest you'd ever fought, and with the amount of times you had to jump around it was really testing your stamina.

You began to grow weaker and weaker throughout the battle, your reaction time slowing down to the point where an explosion managed to scathe your arm, leaving a painful mark on your skin.

Todoroki, who was watching your fight, froze when he registered that the pain he's now feeling on his arm was in the exact same place he just saw you get hurt. He almost never felt any pain coming from his soulmate, he would've suspected that he didn't have one if it weren't for the occasional papercut or bruise.

Over these past months of getting to know you and get close to you Todoroki found himself developing a bit of a crush. He knew in a world of soulmates having a crush was useless, but he couldn't find it in himself to care. He secretly dreamed about you being his soulmate, hoping that luck was on his side and the one he was destined to be with was the one he admired so.

Finding out you were his soulmate was quite possibly the best thing that's ever happened to him, the realization that his dreams have come true was euphoric. He was watching your fight continue with wide eyes and an extreme adoration for his newfound soulmate.

He was so distracted that he almost didn't notice you finally collapse to the ground in an unconscious heap. Almost.

Worry pulsed through his veins as he not only saw, but felt you hit the ground. He barely registered Bakugou being declared the winner as he watched you being carried to Recovery Girl. He stayed frozen a few more moments before rushing to the infirmary to be there when you regained consciousness.

As he sat in a chair by your bed waiting for you to wake up he pondered the situation at hand. He remembered all the times he'd gotten hurt throughout his life, swearing to himself that he would apologize for putting you through that as soon as you woke up.

He was sure you'd seen him get hurt before, and on top of that he had evidence of the worst injury of his life right on his face, you had to have noticed, you had to have known. But if you knew why didn't you say anything? Did you not want your soulmate to be him? Did you resent him for all the pain you felt from him?

It took quite a while for you to awaken, unsurprising considering how exhausted you were before you passed out. When you did wake up the sun was starting to set outside the tall window to your right and you noticed Todoroki asleep in a chair beside the bed you were laying in. A soft smile appeared on your face as you admired your peacefully slumbering soulmate.

In order to let him sleep as long as possible you got up to seek recovery girl and get dismissed to the dorms. She let you know you were free to go before leaving herself, trusting you and Todoroki to get yourselves back to Heights Alliance on your own.

You walked back over to where he was sat and gently shook him awake. When his eyes opened and landed on you they immediately widened before he sprung up and wrapped you in a bear hug, arms tight around you.

"T-Todoroki-kun?"

"You knew didn't you?" He mumbled into your shoulder.

You stiffened, and it didn't go unnoticed by your soulmate. "Knew what?"

He chose to ignore your question, taking your stiffening as a sign that you knew exactly what he was talking about, "Why didn't you tell me?"

You wrapped your arms back around him with a sigh. "I figured it out within the first week of school when we barely even know each other. Then once we became close I didn't want to ruin it."

He seemed to breathe a sigh of relief before pulling back to look at you. "I'm sorry."

"For what?" You asked, your brow knit in confusion.

"For causing you all that pain."

Your expression softened and you unwrapped one of your arms from him to reach up and caress his cheek. "Don't apologize for things that aren't your fault." your voice was barely a whisper.

He pressed his forehead against yours. "Can I kiss you?" You gave a slight nod before feeling soft lips press against yours in a gentle kiss. The both of you smiled into the kiss, happy that out of all the people in the world, the universe paired you with each other.

Tags: @sofylatte @luluwiie

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[neurodivergent-as-heck]

I try to find the benefits of my brain being wired differently

Autism allows me to focus on tasks for a long time and do the "boring" tasks nobody else wants to do (like wrap gifts)

ADHD lets me pick up on and understand different situations faster because I'm taking in a lot more of my surroundings

Even my chronic pain/neurological disorder (called AMPS: amplified musculoskeletal pain syndrome) allows me to push through uncomfortable experiences and symptoms because of how it's treated

But today was a lot. I felt like I could never strike the balance of over and under stimulation. I was either needing more stimming or for the world to stop talking to me. I was not comfortable today

I played a game with my family at the end of the day. It's a game where you lightly tap someone with an inflatable stick if they break the rules on accident (it's really easy to break the rules) and there's a time limit

I ended up leaving in tears because being hit by the stick was overstimulating and then my brain couldn't process what rule I broke fast enough so I was being yelled at

I love my brain, I love how quirky and different it is

but for 20 minutes, while I was paying that game, I wished my brain was "normal"

[cookinguptales]

So uh TIL that my relationship with failure is not normal and there's actually a word (acronym) for it, thank you for that (sorry I don't know how to make that not sound sarcastic!), I'm gonna go read all things ever about RSD now

[cw: frank discussion of mental illness and its symptoms]

Being absolutely real with you here, anon, RSD is fucking terrible. It’s a terrible symptom of a frustrating disorder and I’m sorry that you’re dealing with it. Like I say this as someone with a variety of mental health issues (maybe she’s born with it, maybe it’s PTSD) who’s struggled with suicidal ideation since about age seven or eight -- RSD is one of the absolute hardest things I deal with. It’s more than just feeling broken or fucked up or unlovable; it’s an absolutely physical, devastating reaction that can be impossible to logic your way out of.

It is not normal to fixate on perceived rejection, faults, or mistakes. It is not normal to hate yourself every time you make the smallest error or don’t succeed at something you’ve tried. It is not normal to make a tiny error or get in an argument and then spiral over it for days, weeks, months, maybe even years. I definitely disobeyed once when I was like eight and worried about my mom finding out and not loving me anymore for... I wanna say about seven years. I finally told her like three years ago (I WAS STILL NERVOUS) and I am thirty-two now. She... was not mad. Because I was a child who didn’t even do anything that bad. But that’s RSD. It’s like niggling at a scab that you just can’t leave alone, even though you know it’s only going to hurt you. (And yes, skin-picking and hair-pulling are also symptoms of ADHD. Dermatillomania struggles are so real, lmao.)

Like friend, I get it. I get the way that you make a mistake or you get in an argument or you think someone is upset with you and it is an actual physical clenching of the chest. The spiraling. The panic attacks. The anxiety. The intrusive thoughts. The way you literally cannot fucking breathe. None of that is normal.

I didn’t know that it was weird, either, until just a few years ago. I knew I had bad ADHD that couldn’t be safely medicated (I believe my doctor’s exact words when he looked at my test results were “I can’t believe you graduated high school”) but no one told me that obsessive thoughts and RSD were symptoms of that. I knew that sometimes my ADHD felt like I was batting a thousand racquetballs around a court at the same time, but I didn’t know that sometimes my dumbass brain would direct every one of them right at me.

It’s kind of like hearing the Jaws music at all times... You don’t know what the rule is or how you broke it but you know you did and that very nebulous consequences will happen. And if you haven’t fucked up yet, you will soon! That Jaws music is warning you!

There’s a lot of overlap between ADHD and autism/OCD, and I think RSD is where you really start to see a lot of OCD-esque symptoms. The obsessing, the fixations, the compulsive physical actions and thoughts. The way you spiral over things that you know aren’t serious, that you know aren’t real, but that doesn’t ease the pressure on your chest, the buzzing in your head. You can’t logic your way out of RSD and it really fucking sucks.

I really, really recommend going to see a doctor if you can, anon. I can’t take ADHD meds (I got a shit-ass heart lmao) but I’ve heard they really help with the RSD for some people. If they don’t help you, therapy might. 

In the meantime, what helps me most is breaking the spiral before I get in too deep. When I feel the panic coming on, I do something that I know will distract me. This can be something physical (like going for a walk or dancing (poorly) to some music or making food) or something that will force me to focus on another living creature (like playing with my cat or calling a friend) or, if I have to pull out the big guns, purposefully invoking a known hyperfixation so I get focused on that instead. Just something that will make you think about literally anything but the trigger and your own panic response to it. Once you’re deep in the spiral, it’s very hard to get out.

Mindfulness exercises can also be useful here. I don’t mean meditation as much; that doesn’t empty my mind enough. Grounding exercises help me more. Focusing on tastes, smells, feels, sensations. Strong smells (I keep citrus essential oils on hand), strong flavors, a texture that you find interesting or comforting. Sometimes I go outside and touch trees lmao. Just find something that works for you. Focusing on a purely physical stimulus can be helpful in breaking a mental spiral.

This is a rough, rough road that you’re walking, anon, and I’m sorry to hear that you’re on it. But millions of people walk it every day, and we muddle through. There’s definitely hope and you’re definitely not alone. 💜 

[pumpkintheriddlemaster]

do you have a favorite tma episode? :)

I’m so sorry this took me so long to get too, I just had a hard time trying to pick?!?

I couldn’t choose so now I’m gonna make it everyone else’s problem in this text response.

Like ok, the first that always comes to mind is MAG 65: Binary and MAG 74: Fatigue.

Binary because the thought of an Internet creepypasta being a real actual thing that exists in universe is the funniest thing imaginable.

Also how lovely the story is told! God such a good episode.

But like, there’s also Fatigue which like, keeps popping up in my mind low key only because there was a Uquize that gave you “what statement giver you are” and I got Lydia Halligan for ep 74 and it’s stayed rent free in my head so now it’s one of the few episodes that pop up in my head when someone asks.

Also that and you can feel the fact the jonny wrote this sleep deprived, bless.

I also, unfortunately, live in a constant state of fatigue so much relations to be had 😔.

BUT WAIT!!! THERES MORE???

Yes there’s more I love horror.

MAG 177: Wonderland is my absolute #1 fear and actually concern irl so I tend to actually really like and really relate to it? Like my body is in pain a good percentage of my time alive and more things keep popping up that are Concerning!™️ but going to the doctor about it gives me pause because of past experiences. I’ve also straight up broke down when I came home once because of anxiety and the fact that I Hate Being Touched And Doctor Had to Poke And Prod At Me And I Didn’t Like How I Was Spoken Too And So Much More ;-;. It’s just a good episode that Hits, me, in the face, at Full Speed!!!

Other eps I like for no other reason other then “Vibes Hard” are 24: Strange Music, 81: A Guest For Mr. Spider (huh I Wonder Why), 87: The Uncanny Valley (lmao), and 22: Colony (lmao I wonder why that one as well)

Also another I like for funny reasons is MAG 165: Revolutions because of someone on tumblr put the statement to a lowfi beat and it fucking ruled.

There are probably more that I might like more but it’s been a while since I’ve listened as I have the “can’t really pay attention or enjoy anything I like lately if I’ve already heard it before even if I really really really like said thing” disease. Which I believe comes from the depression side of my ADHD :/

(This has also started to effective my enjoyment of new things as well. :( man :( my brain sucks :(...)

So my rule of thumb is, if I remember it and it’s not the first few eps then it’s up there on my list!!! :D (because the first eps are truly sooooooooosososo good!) I also left out any that just had moments I liked after the statements as I wanted to focus on the statements and horror stories themselves! Not just for my undying admiration and love for Asexual King Jon Jarchivist J Jim’s and Martin Kartin Blackwood. Oh how I love them dearly <3

I can however tell you the ep I absolutely can not listen to again tho!!!

No matter how many time I relisten (or attempt to, stupid brain) I can never listen to MAG 6: Squirm ever again! I just can’t! My sex-repulsed ass was already second-guessing listening when I heard the episodes description for the first time. And then it got worse as I listened because EW GOD NO WHY EW. Like ew god the implications??? 😨 like I already think it’s gross but the worms make it more gross and horrifying. I already remember all the relevant information form the first time around! I don’t need another go! thank you! Have a good day!

Also side note, not anywhere near my favorite or least favorite (tho I can still relisten to it, mag 6 is the only one I can’t) but MAG 172: Strung Out scares me. Not in a “I relate to this” kind of way, I have never done a drug in my life and find it to be a waist of my time, hell I don’t even drink for the same reason. (Plus looking at my ADHD and some of my heritage, I’d be much more prone to addiction anyways.) To me it’s a waist of time and money and not something I care for as, surprise! I don’t like losing or being out of my own control! This ep scares me the same way it would probably scare Mr. GhostHunter Shane Madej.

Anyways! There’s my TMA episode thought! :D

[vintagegenderpunk]

ADHD medication tips from an overly introspective person who has been on them for a decade

This is all in my own experience, though I sort of believe that others go through similar things. Again, not a medical professional. Talk to your doctor. Et cetera. But like, ADHD is kind of like autism, in that you’re not gonna get the same info from an allistic person than you are from an autistic person. People without ADHD just... don’t get it. 

ADHD meds help regulate your anxiety, so when you don't take them (say, you forget and miss like a few days) sometimes your forgetful mind will get super depressed and anxious and feel like the world is ending

And you won't know WHY you feel like this. It's usually just that you forgot your ADHD meds and are being harsh on yourself. Be kind to your brain. It’s adjusting

Higher doses mean higher suppression of appetite, lower doses do it too, but not as bad. Make a plan to eat regularly. Like... schedule it if at all possible. Get yourself some protein bars or drinks. As I'm lactose and soy intolerant, I recommend OWYN (Only What You Need) brand protein drinks, the dark chocolate is the best, but the coffee one is good too.

If you go for a while off meds then start them suddenly, your first day or two of ADHD meds will feel a bit crazy (if you'll pardon the word use). you'll probably get a lot of energy but not have adjusted yet to dealing with it, so it'll feel a bit manic. In that case, remember that you’re okay, you’re just trying to deal with having different brain chemistry.

Take the meds as EARLY in the day as possible. I usually try not to take them after noon, as they'll keep you up at night.

Coffee or caffeine will often stabilize untreated ADHD, so if migrate towards that, don't worry too much. Although, same rules as the last point, try not to drink caffeine too late in the day or else your sleep problems will be expounded upon even if you don’t physically feel caffeine’s effects.

If you do take adhd meds consistently, don't think of them as your "get things done" meds. think of them as your "get consistent neurotransmitters" meds. If you assign productivity as a value to the act of taking your adhd meds, you're more likely to not take them when you feel like you have nothing to do, which will then conversely tank your mental health as in the first point mentioned.

The Metaphysical Stuff: 

If you’re not into the metaphysical, potentially pagan or witchcraft or spirit work related things here, just skip to the next section. I don’t want your comments on this. 

I find that since I've become accustomed to taking ADHD meds on weekdays, on weekends when I don't take them, I really struggle to do anything astral / journeying related. Like, it feels like I cannot focus on it to save my life.

My best guess  is that your body/brain becomes accustomed to doing that thing with the ADHD meds going on, so when you don't have the meds in your system, it struggles a lot more than usual, which since you've probably forgotten a lot of prior coping methods, means you're more likely to think it's just not Happening right now

Be nice to yourself in these moments. You’re not disconnected from the astral or the spirits or whatnot. You’re just having an adjustment of brain chemistry which wildly affects how you perceive this plain of existence, let alone anything else. 

General Information Regarding ADHD for the Uninformed:

Do you see how I broke up this big-ass post into littler chunks? Just like how sarcasm tags (/s) and such helps people with autism or issues interpreting nuanced language, spacing out large chunks of text into smaller pieces will allow your ADHD friends to actually read what you wrote. Please don’t make me look at essay with no line breaks. 

ADHD is often co-morbid with anxiety and depression. It fucks up your sleep cycle. The medication messes with your eating habits as well as causes trouble with physical intimacy at times. It throws your ability to focus in a blender along with a plethora of other issues that come off as “lazy” or “immature” to someone who doesn’t have ADHD. 

Chill out and be nice to your ADHD friends. We basically don’t get happy neurotransmitters like you do and so it takes a lot of effort to get to the same headspace.