#but like. i wanna do it bc I'd enjoy it
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I've been wanting to possibly go study in university again next year and there's like services that can help you with applying and stuff, and I'd really like to contact them and ask for some help but the devil is on my shoulder telling me that they will all point and laugh at me bc of what I want to study
#i want to take a creative writing course and study literature and writing#its what i initially wanted to do before i talked myself out of it for my first uni degree#and like listen I realise that literature and writing is seen as useless and there arent guaranteed chances i'll get a great job#but like. i wanna do it bc I'd enjoy it#like worst case scenario it will help me write better fanfics#i already write in my free time and i think taking a course where i get to write and study literature sounds really cool#but im so embarrassed to ask for help with applications because i know for a fact people deem this type of degree as a waste of time
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And thus, with the passing of 24 hours, Caeru's ambition truly comes to an end. Major Nemesis spoilers below the cut- we're talking endgame ambition business here. Mostly on a character RP front.
The Doomed Scientist made quite a few... choice decisions, in the end. Killing Cups once and for all, recording his story as one of grief-
And sparing what little remained of Mr Mirrors, leaving it free to roam Parabola as it sees fit.
Some of them, he can explain. Others, he's still left to feel... discontent.
Cups needed to die. That much was certain from the start. It was a tyrant, as all Masters are, and complicit in the bargaining and eventual destruction of four (potentially five) cities, as all Masters are. It was an obstacle. A murderer. A petty monster that felt no remorse even on its deathbed, and it went out of its way to ruin multiple lives just because it felt owed its own sick and twisted idea of revenge.
It killed his first love. It looked him in the eyes and he knew what it had done and he knew from the start it was going to die.
Perhaps, in the end, it knew too. And yet it still pleaded, and wanted to live, and-
It made a bargain.
A bargain Caeru didn't take.
Not because he didn't want to. Gods, he wanted to. He wanted it. He wanted it more than anything else in the world. To have Greylu back, to give him the gift of life, of love, to show him the wonders of the Neath and the beauty of the correspondence and all of the people Caeru has met and loved and found home with along the way-
But. He couldn't.
Because Cups was a monster. And no matter what, it deserved to die. And he could not, in good conscience, allow it to live.
Even if sparing it meant everything he's ever wanted.
So he's left here, now. With a bloodied traveling coat, and a bloodsoaked knife, and a favor finally fulfilled.
And nothing to live for. No resurrected lover, no charming visits to Helicon, no slow dances in the living room, no memories to rebuild and lives to live and he won't live again-
Nothing. All he has is a coat born of obligation, not to his love, but to people he's never even met. To lives he's never even touched. To a paramour, still alive, with hair of rose-pink, who doesn't even remember her own brother's existence.
Cups didn't die for Caeru's sake. Cups died for the sake of all who wanted it dead. For the revenger's court, and the ghost screaming in his ear, and the reckoning that will not be postponed indefinitely.
And Caeru, who acted as a tool to carry out their wills? Who all but betrayed his own lover, just to satisfy a cause he never knew existed?
All Caeru is left with, is regret. Regret-
-And grief.
#yin-thoughts#fallen london#fallen london spoilers#nemesis spoilers#so! nemesis huh!#i have. a lot of thoughts#overall i think heart's desire remains closest to my heart#but that's almost certainly bc of the obvious ''you always remember your first'' bias#there's a lot of problems with nemesis that have been talked to death by other people way more eloquently than i could ever express#(the big notable stopgates littered throughout. the weird pacing at the end. the fact you never meet your actual nemesis til the finale)#but overall i still liked it a lot!! i loved it actually!!! it singlehandedly made me like cups as a master!!!!#not because of anything nemesis actually DID mind you. i just really liked making up things about it#in place of nemesis. actually featuring it.#which could either be a plus or a minus against the ambition depending on what angle you look at it from#but. yeah. i'd say i enjoyed it. i enjoyed it a whole bunch#and now that ive played 2 out of the 4 ambitions and my FL hyperfixation evidently isnt letting up#it's safe to say we're all here for the long haul#tune in (insert miscellaneous time in the future) for when i finally after like a year and a quarter#get to find out what the fuck truly goes down in light fingers#and also keep an eye out for that caeru-centric fic ive been unsubtly alluding to and still need to write.#ive got a whole outline for it and it's. well#you'll all see when (if?) i finish it#i have some ideas abt how i wanna play around with the nemesis endings + what they mean to caeru#(and i do mean endings as in both of them)#and it all may seem. insane. when we get there#but i swear i have a direction plotted in my head#i swear#scoundrelventures#<- the scoundrel isnt mentioned At All in this post but that works as a general FL oc lore tag
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But from what I’ve seen, he already tries and works so hard. - Cause he has you who always spoils him, that’s why he’s like this. — Parents about Waan
Working is not fun. If you have the chance to live your life, then do it. Work is not going anywhere. You should let it go sometimes. — Waan to Win
I’m not gonna stop you, if you wanna help. But I just don’t want you to give up on your dreams. Don’t want anybody to force you to do this and that. — Win to Wiew
Dad! In case you didn’t know, Waan was gone all night because he was dealing with the issues at the resort. I promised Hia Win that when I grew up, we’ll help each other to run the resort. But now, I wish it could go bankrupt. I’m also curious, if you don’t have that stupid hotel would you gonna be the old dad we used to have? — Wiew to his father
#between us#between us the series#oreo puwanai#zeystuff#gif: bu#listen so many texts and no one likes to read that much I get it... also this one will get probably what one like or so#but I feel for him soo much... he probably didn't want to study business in the first place he only did it to make his dad proud#yet no matter what he tries all the efforts he put into it to make his dad a tiniest bit happy doesn't work... it goes all in vain#being the first born already puts him under so much pressure and he probably never got to live as a child#(I didn't read the novel but being the first born also normally requires to be a parent to your siblings kinda)#his only escape from this hell where he can be at ease is to play. is the gaming world and even that he can't really enjoy bc of his dad#'childish'... like pls he tries so hard to make his father accept him no matter what. he works his ass off and that's not enough#we know he doesn't wanna work in this industry as he said to Win (quote in the caption 'work is not fun') yet to please his parents he do it#'since you were born...' - feeling quesadilla but the 'que' and 'illa' are silent#I'd appreciate if the caption stays on bc it's important (at least for me) for this set
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mutuals.... would any of you be interested in joining my own art server at some point? i want to cultivate my own little art community on discord to share like TTRPG OCs and stuff, as well as art, particularly of said characters, but i wanna gauge interest.
i was planning on doing this kind of thing when i gained more of a following but i just wanna see what people think
#and u would be able to invite ur own friends ofc#but it would def be invite only#i wanna be pretty strict with who i let in tho#i'd like to keep it pretty tight knit#volkpost#im in another art server atm that i do enjoy but i find myself lacking the energy to engage in it lately bc theres a lot of ppl#and i kinda just wanna create my own bc it sounds fun idk!
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(cw vent, sorry it's just been A Couple Of Days)
Not really having many irl friends comes at the price of feeling so terribly lonely, I feel like I have no one to talk to because I'm not close to enough people, or maybe I am and I just haven't talked to them in a while and I don't want this to be our first conversation qwq
I'm honestly just. Tired, tbh qwq
#I mostly talk to my partner#But they've been more absent lately and like they have their own life#But the second they're gone I realize I don't talk to anyone that much#I used to have someone else I spoke to daily; it was an awful friendship though and it took a lot of struggle to end it#But god; just qwq; I'm so tired of everything qwq#Honestly I'm disappointed in how upset it makes me that my partner is more absent because I know it's bc they've found a game they're into#And have been playing non-stop#They'll come telling me that they've done this and that and I'll be struggling HARD and will try to mention it at some point but#But like I wanna leave them their space to be excited but I just#Look. Look the NPD is getting to me; and I know these are not kind or fair feelings but#But I hate it here; I don't care about their game; I don't care about what they've done;#All my brain focuses on is that I've had a shitty fucking day and everything's gone wrong and they weren't here#Because they were fucking playing#And I know that's not fair for MANY reasons and that voicing all that would make me a massive asshole#And that at its core; it's more of a matter of never going anywhere; not having people to hang out with;#Not leaving my house nor talking to that many people#I feel so lonely and so fucking hollow qwq#My bag got taken away and I feel like I've lost an intrinsic part of myself#And to top it all off; I had today's exam and the project I'm doing#And my dad screaming and my period coming and all the things I have to do and how much I yearn for friends#Yet when I'm with my friends I can't wait to be alone#Man; just#I didn't wanna go this far; and I only say it here because no one's really gonna read it;#But I genuinely just wanna kill myself at this point#There's no point nor reason#I'm trying hard to enjoy life but nothing goes my way#I have so many things I want to do and nothing fucking goes my way#I'm so tired; I just want to go to sleep and not wake up; it's gnawing and clawing and it's such an ugly feeling qwq#I feel like if I cut myself I'd be even more pathetic; I wouldn't even be met with sympathy; just. Disappointment#It's been a while since I last self-harmed in a way that was visible
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#I'd LOVE to draw more Amulet fanart. I enjoy rendering stuff#But also I'm worried people may see me crazy for doing so haha#Or maybe I'm just delulu bc I have a lot of amulet fanart I wanna draw but didn't get around drawing it heh#Bc of. Bc of the obligations in rl#But also a mixed bag bc people who's been following me for a while gets context to why I draw amulet the way it id#But newer fans are likely to be baffled bc atp I'm doing my own thing w Amulet that you'd wonder why I even stay
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#sometimes I wish drawing wasn't such a lonely activity#am in a bit of a social mood but can't find anything to socialize about#i also wish I didn't need to spend ALL DAY trying to prep my brain to try to draw; despite it being something I wanna do and enjoy#why must i have executive dysfunction over my hobbies#this is why it takes me one million years to something I can actually get done in a few days at most#i'm so incredibly frustrated and it's super depressing and bumming me out#it's just so frustrating and i'm so irritated at myself#i know it's shark week so maybe it's why i'm a bit of a mess; but usually it doesn't affect me during the time so idk#also i love how every night I get to deal with the crippling dread and lowkey anxiety attacks bc everything i'm avoiding/afraid of and it-#- keeps festering in my mind and makes me avoid sleep for as long as possible and i'm stuck in an eternal negative feedback loop#i can't even do the thing i enjoy bc my brain is making it hard for me#not to mention that I constantly get those thoughts about how i'm never getting anywhere in life and i am in fact; ALONE#no irl friends or family and it still scares me to think about how worse things will get in the future for me.#not to mention not having a career or being capable of doing any kind of secondary schooling makes the dread even worse#but again frustrated and i can't even apply positive activities like how I'd usually do; not to mention i'm just always mad at myself about#-everything lmao#stupid brain just let me enjoy me hobby bc i wanna do it and you're not letting me and it's making me feel worse#delete later probably idk lmao
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me whenever someone gives me unsolicited opinions about myself:
#thinking about the time a friend of mine did this#and she does this a lot bc she's older and ofc sees herself as 'more knowledgeable' or w/e#which hey sometimes she is#mostly i take her opinions with a grain of salt but she said something to me recently that just#idk it rubbed me the wrong way. and i keep thinking about it.#ider what we were talking about but somehow we got on the subject of romantic relationships#and i basically said i'm not opposed to one but i'm NOT looking. like at ALL. not even a little bit.#but if something happens someday great!#she proceeds to tell me literally right after i say this#that i should work on my appearance then because i'm 'a little plain'. not ugly or anything just...plain.#which hey i know already btw and it doesn't really bother me#i wear make up and am not against it at all. i think it's amazing to see what people can do with it tbh.#and if people wanna wear it i'm all for it#i personally don't like the way it feels on my skin so i use as little as possible#just enough to cover things like my acne scars or other imperfections that i feel self conscious about#i'd love to get to a point where i feel comfortable NOT wearing make up actually#and that's not even to say that i'd NEVER get dolled up or whatever#it's just not something i enjoy doing on a regular basis ya know?#and honestly? any future partner i have should be aware of that bc you're gonna get plain ol' non-makeup-wearing me 99% of the time#and if that's a problem with them then i don't even wanna waste my time on them#so yeah when she said this to me i was annoyed#bc fr wtf does that have to do with me not looking for a partner??? lol#*sigh* ik she was probably just trying to help in her own way but like#just don't k? k.#/rant#sorry i had to get that out somewhere lmao#it's been driving me crazy#ignore me
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📓🕯️🐇🖤pt.2
#only 30 tags lol i ran out... so furthermore#we only get one life. im gonna try as much as i can to enjoy the little moments. nd to not give up on myself nd my life#i will die one day anyway. why rush it. i'll enjoy as many books and as many walks and songs and tv shows as possible#if i get a loan nd have more money i wanna bleach my hair nd dye my hair green#and later this year i think i might change my name#it was the name i wanted to change to from the beginning. but i was in such a bad headspace i just picked eden at random#i do kinda like it now nd im attached to it but i more feel like this other name actually is me. my birth name nd my current name dont feel#really right. so maybe. i havent decided yet. like i rlly dont know. im also attached to this name for some other reason. like it's who i am#to a person i rlly like and if i change... will i be anything to them? i cant put it into words but that makes me hesitate#but it's unhealthy to stay attached to someone i cant truly have even if i want to. so i mean. idk im just weird abt it#but i do kinda wanna change my name (to embla. my mom wanted to give me that name but my dad was like nooo >.<) i am not 100% sure tho so#when i've been getting used to going to school nd working out at the gym. nd after my surgery nd i have more energy#i will try to face my avpd and try apps for making friends. there r two apps where u can find new girl friends!! maybe i can try that#also like i've never tried apps but i think maaaaaybe i can use bumble to try to find friends and women to date. potentially. idk.....#rn it's hard for me to think in those terms bc. i mean i am hung up on someone!!!! i cant evwn imagine dating or being intimate w anyone els#sometimes i feel like.. they're the only person i've ever felt like it'd even be possible. who i'd event want to do that w#not only physically but emotionally. so ig it's even harder to let go bc im so scared i will never feel like that w anyone else#but i rlly need to try to make the most of whatever life i have. the world will collapse soon anyway#that makes me even more sad that i cant be w who i wanna be w nd do what i wanna do but#all pain will all be completely descimated eventually. it's not forever bc life isnt forever#i've just never felt this before. like i want smth to be real so bad but if it happened once surely it can happen again? right?#i wont spend my life alone without intimacy and love and comfort nd support nd understanding right???? :o hope not#im still so sad nd exhausted rn. nothing in my life is working nd theres no repreive nd no help#it gets sooo hard to endure everything sometimes when everything just keeps piling up and gets so heavy it feels like im drowning#nd atm i dont feel like i have any anchor. nothing that keeps me grounded nd im just floating away nd im constantly being overwhelmed by my#feelings nd emotions. im like a stupid little kid who dont understand how to handle what im feeling. or make rational decisions#i feel so ... stupid and useless. i dont know what im doing. i have no idea. i have no compass. its so scary
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Not loving this increasingly weird behavior in fandom where they'll look at a female character behaving in certain ways and go "ooooh that's so hashtag girlboss, feminism wins uwu", but then you look deeper into it and she's actually just behaving out of fear or deep rooted trauma
#Sunny Life#cw: controversial takes in the tags I guess#spraying the BG/3 fandom with water for doing this to Lae and Shart#like does Lae hate the idea of having children or does she hate the idea of being FORCED to become pregnant against her will#just because her fascist queen demands it of her#not only is she one of the only companions who can end up with a child but she actively enjoys that role of caretaker#bc it was a choice she made and not one forced upon her#I want kids myself but I'd be terrified at the prospect of some sort of state mandated pregnancy that would be impossible to refuse#or thinking it's sooo feminist that Shart doesn't wanna be tied down to a relationship when that's so very obviously#bc she's in a doom cult that frowns upon any personal relationships like do you think those two are completely unrelated???#don't worry about how the context changes as you go through their personal journeys just take all the early game stuff at face value#there's nothing inherently wrong with either of these things btw I just think context is important here#instead of just boiling it down to ''wow such feminism uwu'' bc it goes against whatever gender norms exists in our own world#if you read all of this hello welcome to my twisted mind#I feel like this is the kinda post that would get me hate mail if I had a big account lmao
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#cw vent#kinda wish my friends would stop making fun of me#like all the time#ik it's not malicious but it hurts#like they're making fun of me for having a date- i'm actually really nervous about it already#they completely reject any conversation or brief mention of my interests amd make fun of it and it just sucks#or when i don't understand a show bc frankly i'm not really enjoying the show that much like sorry i don't wanna watch constant gore??#most recent one is bordering on slut-shaming too and i don't wanna defend myself by telling them i'm still a virgin bc that shouldn't matter#i just wanna understand the fixation on that bc it's starting to make me uncomfortable like if things do get like that with this guy i'd-#rather not have that be a talking point but just a private part of my life#like they're good friends and they've been there for me through a lot but this is getting to me and i suck at setting boundaries so#i'm too scared to bring it up with them
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IMAGES OF HISAKAWA CHIYOKO
" i just want such a humble, murderously simple thing: that a person be glad when i walk into a room. "
pg. 1/∞
#i told myself i wasn't gonna do anything with the background bc coloring this already took so long and i just didn't wanna#but then i decided to try anyway and here we are uvu#it's my first time properly coloring a manga panel -- attempting the shading and all that#so it's not perfect but it's done and i did it! and it looks like chiyo!! so i'm happy :' ))#if you have advice or pointers or anything pls lemme know bc i'd like to get better at this!!#otherwise pls enjoy this lil edit while i get to work on a few things <3#visuals | chiyoko
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S W shop talk and random abt the day stuff below. no details abt the actual vid just filming talk and me whinging abt my joints lmao, but scroll by if this aint ur thing
i just finished an hour and a half of straight filming for the u kno what blog lmao
it'll be my longest one yet, and idk exactly how to go abt it yet (cut it up in davinci and post clips with the offer for the full vid if they m$g me? post the whole thing and comment that it's an example of a vaguely niche ish thing that I'd be happy to do customs for and hope someone wants to set one up????)
but im proud of myself. yesterday into today has been nicely productive counting everything including this, and while this last thing maybe isn't a traditional accomplishment to be proud of, this is a bigger step for me in that direction. My audience is small but bigger than i thought it would ever get and like.
the money is v little. but maybe if i keep trying to improve it will become more, and in the meantime im quite satisfied with the latest few comments from ppl aksndjfnf
that said tho GOD im old and things aren't working well if ever they did and like. my knees ache. we walked the beach earlier yesterday and between that and the Posing for this bit of work, I've aggravated my right knee and ankle especially, and am standing typing this waiting for the radiating pain to stop so i can walk on that leg and take a fucking shower lmao
Worth it tho, for all of it
#text post#im sure this is tmi to some folks but as long as im doing this for even tiny amounts as reward#then it's Work and i will occasionally talk abt it as such on here tho if ever anyone wants it tagged with something unique#to blacklist just lemme know and I'll add a special tag for this particular Work talk and add it to this and any future posts#but yeah aside from me regretting not having bought a cane yet to help with moments like this aksnskdnf#im proud and happy and. a lil nervous bc whenever i get too happy and carefree usually something goes wrong#but going into early monday morning now im going to give myself a few hours to enjoy it#mostly bc regardless of which option above i choose i still gotta do editing of some kind and GOD#it's gonna be a slog bc im still learning the program but it's a weirdly fun slog somehow#...i thought by this tag the pain would have eased up and I'd be done alsjdkff and post this up#apparently not so i guess im literally hopping/limping into the shower bc fuck waiting i wanna go b seepy cosy in bed
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#amulet series#kazu kibuishi#testing the waters here#bc rn I'm planning to make some stickers and some photocards w my sister#mostly anime fandom stuff and hopefully it gets some traction#if we got lucky I considered throwing in some Amulet stuff#it's not gonna be a SUPER soon thing or a next year kind of thing but I do wanna see an interest check#bc I do see some people interested in prints so. Idk fingers crossed#ngl I kinda dreamed that one day for myself I'd customize acrylics of like the OG amulet design on one side#and my redesign on the other so I'd enjoy them on my desk#but that's a dream atm but do yall want amulet stuff or no
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So Pokemon Scarlet is is going great and I have adopted so many children <3
#personal#pokemon scarlet and violet#pokemon spoilers#spoilers#(<- tagging just in case)#but yeah Arven is MY son now#koraidon is so cute and I have some screenshots of scenes I wanna draw#Nemona is one of my fave 'rivals' ever#and although it's a little sad you can't customise your entire outfit I do really like the other customisations!#I adore the space bun hairstyle#Deffo not how I look irl tho haha#I've named all of my team#my quaxly/quaxwell/quaquavel is called Revali and he's a funky little man#I wish we could rename Koraidon tho#I'd like to name it Sandwich BC#HE KEEPS. STEALING. THEM#haven't had the chance to play much tho bc of uni!#just the odd hour or 2 every few days#I'm enjoying it so far tho
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Con:
GDI I know exactly how this sentence should flow now, and that isn't the word I wanted!
Pros of re-reading your own fic
a good time;
Has exactly the tropes you like and the characterization you want to read;
Gratification: yes you did finish a thing and yes you did do good;
just a very fun time all around.
Cons of re-reading your own fic:
Is that another TYpO
#I like rereading my stuff but holy hell do i want to make edits sometimes#I typically have a rule that once it's up that's it#Bc i have had fav fics either be pulled or rewritten into something completely different#(sometimes the fav parts i had would be cut or the whole thing changed into something I'd actually pass on)#(And no shade to the writer who did that bc they wanted it to be to *their* best or closer to their original idea)#(But i do regret not saving those early 'drafts' to my computer for personal enjoyment sometimes)#and i don't wanna pull that on whoever enjoys my fic#(If i do make edits I'd do the thing in one go and post it as a separate work/collection)
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