#but like still man there's no good reason to be prioritizing your revenge over helping others

[ananxiousgenz]

just finished part 24 and ngl I'm kinda disgusted with arthur right now!!! john is an inhuman fracture of an eldritch god of madness and he is behaving more human than arthur is rn!! what the fuck dude!!

[joontier]

Subliminal in Scrubs | V1; report vii

pairings: dr. jeon jungkook x female reader

chapter rating: NC-17 | genre: humor, romance

warnings: FINALLY~ we get to see a little bit of JK’s pov heh 

word count: 2.4k

g/n: Send me your thoughts?

[taglist] @nottodayjjk @ditttiii​ @zeharilisharaban​ @btsbunny07​ @turquoiseandplaidinautumn  @aamxxrii @codeinebelle ​

Subliminal in Scrubs (the records) |  navi. | m.list

“I hope you don’t mind us picking up a friend first then a drive thru afterwards... we did promise  someone a ride to the ceremony as well.” Chohee eyes Jungkook through the rear-view mirror. “Plus, we haven’t had any breakfast yet sooo…” Your new passenger uncharacteristically nods with unbridled enthusiasm. Huh.

“Totally not an issue at all. If you don’t mind, breakfast is on me,” he announces, sitting up a little straighter in his seat. You raise a freshly threaded eyebrow. There is no way this kid is actually offering to pay for your food. Jungkook clears his throat quietly, “Um...since you guys offered me a ride...you know…” 

Without even having to look at each other, you just know you and Chohee have similar smiles plastered on each of your faces. “Well,” Chohee makes a quick glance at the man seated at the back, “if you insist, Jungkook-ssi. How nice of you to do so.” 

You’re positive Jeon Jungkook will regret he even offered - in half an hour. Probably less. 

Just recently, Chohee has decided to relive an old hobby of hers: teasing you relentlessly with men clearly way out of your league until you actually end up investing much more time than intended (just as planned by Chohee) - until you come to the realization that there wasn’t going to be even the slightest chance of them even liking you back. End point is - you end up getting heartbroken for irrational reasons. 

Chohee, whose eyes sparkle with mirth with every mention of the Jimin, continues her teasing, despite your constant reminders to have her energy and time diverted to another subject, instead of poking her head through your currently non-existent love life. 

It’s an undisputed fact that Jimin is a cutie and quite the charmer, especially with his heroic deed of saving your sorry ass from getting your drinked spiked at the bar. However, there is a part of you that knows the slightest bit of infatuation you might feel or might have felt for Jimin was probably caused by the lack of interaction with men for the majority of your collegiate life. Of course, you always came back to your principles, that of which is prioritizing your career to shun love interests. 

Admittedly, you might have gotten distracted once, but you won’t ever let that happen again. 

In line with your best friend’s attempt to have you score a date and a boyfriend eventually, (her timeline, not yours!)Chohee had even gone so far as offering Jimin a ride to the oath taking ceremony that’s going to be held today at the Coex convention center at Gangnam. 

With Jimin’s apartment just a couple of blocks away from the gasoline station, you spot him right away when Chohee turns right into the corner. He’s stood by the entrance of his apartment building, looking effortlessly attractive as he scrolls through his phone while waiting. 

Chohee presses her fist lightly against the center of the wheel, the car emitting a soft honk to get Jimin’s attention. Jimin gives a curt wave in acknowledgment and reaches between his legs to grab his satchel. As soon as Jimin opens the car door, his head jolts slightly backward in surprise when he sees another passenger already inside. 

Chohee does the ice-breaker, introducing Jungkook to Jimin while she drives off. “Just before we got to your place, we had to fill the tank first and whaddya know? Met Jungkook at the gas station too! His bike broke down and I’ve offered him a ride - ergo, your new seatmate.” She adds a thumbs up. “Park Jimin, Jeon Jungkook. Jeon Jungkook, Park Jimin.” 

Contrary to Chohee’s cheerful voice mere seconds ago, awkward silence ensues after the two men bow to each other in greeting. The only subject of sanity the car was holding onto was the soft voice of Chohee’s navigation app coming from her phone on the dashboard. 

Why was it so hard to talk when you’ve all got at least a few things in common? 

Right, maybe it’s the fact that Jimin may or may not have known about your beef with Jeon Jungkook. Chohee’s doing, obviously. 

Thankfully, you spot a Burger King joint along the way and propose getting a greasy breakfast instead of looking for other options. There are murmurs of agreement heard in the suddenly cramped space of your best friend’s car. “Jungkook-ssi, breakfast still on you, yeah?” Chohee asks, joining the queue. 

“Uh…yeah-” 

“Perfect! Just making sure because _________ and I are famished!” Okay - that wasn’t exactly the word you were looking for, but if it gets you the free meal, then you’re absolutely ravenous. Chohee’s eyes briefly pass yours before sending a wink in Jungkook’s direction. “How ‘bout you Jimin-ssi? You hungry?” 

He looks at you, then Chohee, then at Jungkook. “I’m fine, I’m not hungry.” You see Jungkook trying painfully hard to not let his eyes dart around too much. Just then,  a low rumble erupts from Jimin’s stomach. Woops. Your brain can dictate your emotions but tummy would never lie outright. 

“Jimin-ssi!” Jungkook clasps a hand on the blond’s shoulder. “It’s fine! Breakfast is on me. Order up, bro!” 

With Jimin still looking hesitant, Jungkook decides to add a little fairy dust to his encouragement, “think of it as a mini celebration of us finally getting to be licensed doctors in a few hours!” Jimin gives in with very evident reluctance, even offering to pay for the whole group instead at one point. 

Your swear you see hesitation cross Jungkook’s eyes briefly, but you’re glad he’s a man of honor, even if it be for this particular instance only, firmly dismissing Jimin’s proposal. Which is perfect, honestly, because  this time you get a chance at revenge and a very hearty breakfast. 

“No crumbs on the floor, please!” 

From the backseat, you see Jungkook eyeing your paper bags on yours and Chohee’s laps, face stoic as ever. Emphasis on bags. A little more concentration and Jungkook can pretty much send lasers blasting through his eyes with the way he’s scrutinizing your orders. 

As shameless as it sounds, you and Chohee were never ones to back out of a free meal - and make the most out of it, especially when one had offered so nicely. So imagine Jungkook’s reaction when he and Jimin only got a Whopper meal and you and Chohee get upgraded full meals. 

“Doesn’t seem like we’re the ones who should be worrying about crumbs…” Jungkook mutters, taking a bite of his fry that’s a little too harsh for a slice of a poor fried potato. 

“You say something Jungkook?” Chohee queries, unabashedly letting out a small burp after taking a sip of her chocolate flavored milkshake. Bowing his head, Jimin tries to hide his smile as he takes a bite of his burger. You decide to step in, wanting to add a little more MSG to your breakfast menu this fine morning. 

“Hey Chee, heard of the news last Monday? There had been recent occurrences of drivers kicking out their passengers in the middle of the expressway, especially this road in particular… talk about some zombie apocalypse shenanigans...I wonder why though…” 

Jungkook clears his throat, addressing you this time. “Your strawberry milkshake...good, yeah?” With cheeks flushed, Jungkook dares not to look forward, murmuring his regrets over ordering more food next time. 

You nod with genuine gusto, throwing him an additional thumbs-up, which only causes Jungkook to sulk slightly in his seat. You eat the rest of your food with a bright smile. Ah, free food - what else is there to say? 

“If I do not violate this oath, may I enjoy life and art, respected while I live and remembered with affection thereafter. May I always act so as to preserve the finest traditions of my calling and may I long experience the joy of healing those who seek my help.” 

After reading the Hippocratic oath, the newly declared licensed medical doctors collectively put their hands down and take their seats. There is an immediate sense of fulfillment heavy in the air. Nobody can blame them - not when one has gruelled through six years of medical school. 

Jungkook inhales deeply, yet he still feels like he’s out of breath. 

He draws in another long one, savoring each second of exhale afterwards. From his peripheral vision, Jungkook watches you as you wave endlessly to the someone on the far right where the family and relatives are seated. Though he can’t see much from afar, with the way your hands are moving slower by the second, he figures you’ve already managed to catch the attention of whoever it is you were waving at. 

Jungkook diverts his eyes somewhere else, eventually landing on the stage where he sees his own father, standing behind the podium as he gives - what people beside him would consider - a ‘motivational’ speech in front of all the new doctors of Korea. 

He wonders if he could even see him, if he knew that his own son actually made it through college, if he realized that they were under the same roof at this very moment - an occurrence he never thought would happen again. 

Jungkook reverts his eyes back to you, watching you in secret as you talk to yourself while trying to address someone else. So you were waving to your parents after all. Cute. The man couldn’t fight back the small smile etching onto his face.  

He was happy for you - a genuine statement, even though majority, if not all, your encounters consist of you both bickering like small kids… And yet, he can’t deny the strong feeling of envy brewing at his heart, knowing that he could never have the same type of interaction you had with your parents, with how tight you all seem. 

Jungkook felt sick. Even though you ordered twice as much as he did, he felt like throwing up. He wanted this ceremony to be over with already.

Much to Jungkook’s relief, the program ends shortly after that. Excited to greet and congratulate the new batch of doctors, people from all sides of the venue rush to the entrance. With literally nowhere else to go, Jungkook decides to follow you through the crowd, in the hopes that you’ll lead him to Chohee and Jimin so he could properly thank them for the ride and he could be on his way. 

He’s surprised to not see you the least bothered by it, but then again, the convention center is packed with both the oath-takers and their relatives, so you might have really not known that he’s been following you all along. 

Like usual, it’s Chohee who notices him first. This girl is everywhere, all the time. 

“Jungkook, you’re here!” 

Chohee's acknowledgement of his presence causes you to turn in your heel quickly to verify it. You stare at him briefly, opening your mouth as if to say something when someone calls out your name.  “Mom!! Dad!!” 

Your English call causes a few onlookers and Jungkook recalls somebody once pointing out that you were a foreigner - and that you were also the first one to finish at the top of the class at SNU. 

With Chohee’s parents tailing yours, they rush to their own daughter, congratulating her with a hug and a cute bouquet of tulips. As Jimin appears with his own party not too long afterwards, Jungkook figures it’s his cue to leave. At this rate, none of you would have noticed if he actually left. 

Just as Jungkook was about to take off, a small hand grabs his wrist. You’re looking up at him and he swears he sees your lips curve upward a little before dragging him back to your little group. Stunned as ever, Jungkook wonders if he hinted on a little bit of concern in your features… and you smiled at him! For the first time! At least that’s what he thought he saw. 

Admittedly, all interactions between you and him were not the most friendly. Jungkook knew he acted like a dick a couple of times, but it’s the only way he knows that might allow you to lower your guard because the only thing he was certain of was that you get worked up every time you see him. 

Regardless of whether or not it really was a smile, Jungkook finds himself standing in the midst of this gathering of some sort. “Moms, Dads, this is Jeon Jungkook and Park Jimin.” 

The moms suddenly gush over them, while their fathers eye the two younger men warily. “Are you?… you’re not…” Chohee’s mother nudges her husband a little too obviously. “If they are, that wouldn’t be such a bad thing, would it?” she grits, a bright smile plastered on her face. Jungkook wanted to laugh at the uncanny resemblance with her daughter. 

“Oh what young fine men you are! Mrs. Park, you must be very proud of your son!” Your mother exclaims, resting her cheek on her palm. “But Jungkook-ssi, your parents must be lost then… my husband and I couldn’t figure out how this whole convention center works either…” 

Jungkook shakes his head slowly, lips pursed. “Oh. Um, my parents won’t make it today. They’re very busy people…” Jungkook drags his words, hoping they’ll drop the subject. 

Well, they did, but there was an inevitable pregnant pause after that - one which Jungkook was avoiding in the first place. Chohee’s mother clasps her hands together, breaking the awkward tension. “Uh - would you like to join us then? A little celebration for a memorable day?” 

Jungkook bows his head curtly and declines the offer. He wanted to, but he knows it’ll only do more damage to the wound. “It’s okay, Ma’am. I still have quite a lot of things to do today, like getting my motorcycle fixed.” Jungkook nods to Chohee and the girl briefly recalls how they got to the venue together. 

Jungkook doesn’t take long after that, bidding his goodbye to everyone and thanking Chohee for the ride that morning. “Well, I’ll be going now. __________-ssi, Chohee-ssi, Jimin-ssi, guess I’ll….see you when I see you.” 

“See you when we see you then,” you reply and Jungkook swears it’s an actual smile on your face this time. He returns the action and gets on his way, hoping that he really does get to see you all another time.

© joontier 2021

[sun-summoning]

part ii | part iii | part iv

after speaking to kido, sakura rushes home. when she calms down from the rage that nearly had her crush his throat, sakura can admit that she doesn’t really think this is him. he knew a lot about her for someone that was supposed to have been locked up all this time, but he seemed genuinely surprised to hear that sarada had been taken, if not disappointed. he fit the profile of what shikamaru and kakashi thought -- that someone wanted sarada for her eyes -- but sakura can’t stop the nagging feeling that somehow this runs deeper.

back in her apartment, megumi’s body is right where she left it, and sakura feels awful for having moved so mechanically. megumi was an orphan, but she was still someone’s little girl. ashamed, sakura lays a sheet over her and swears she’ll do more later.

she heads to her bedroom and begins her work. alone, she summons one of the cats she’d made a contract with shortly after her marriage. the black cat is sleek and holds himself confidently. he’s always been an efficient one, quick to do as she needs and be competent about it. he regards sakura with a cock of his head.

“sarada’s been taken.”

“your daughter.”

“yes.” 

the cat nods. “i shall inform the clowder. if anyone spots her, i will let you know.”

“thank you.” sakura pauses, self-conscious for needing to rely on everybody else for this part. “if you...if any of you are able to come into contact with sasuke-kun, can you pease let him know too?”

“of course.”

“thank you.” sakura promises to provide the usual exchange at a later time and the cat disappears with a puff of smoke. she heads to her bedroom and she begins to pack in silence. 

her movements are as meticulous as they are automatic, done just so she’s ready to leave the moment she knows where she needs to go. her medkit is stocked. her bag has scrolls, weapons, supplies, and sarada’s favourite toy. she changes out of her days clothes and into the leggings and turtleneck of a uniform she hasn’t worn in years. her cloak is in the front closet. she needs to change her boots. she’ll put on the boots now. she leaves the armour on her bed to don later. right now, they only hinder her movements. she goes to the drawer where her mask hides in plain sight among other trinkets and knick knacks, and on the dresser she notices a flower.

sakura stills as she takes in the detail she must have missed in her earlier haste. she considers the simple glass vase and the single red flower sitting in it. its petals curl at the ends and some are even missing. 

this flower has travelled and as sakura considers what it is, she knows it’s travelled far. 

-

konoha became unbearable by the time she tuned twenty. it's so petty and selfish and she'd never say it aloud, but she hated seeing everyone else so happy. she's happy too -- has so many reasons to be -- but she couldn’t help the nagging jealousy she feels when ino declined her invitations because she was going to see sai or when naruto prioritized her almost always only to head home to hinata.

she wanted to be someone's too. she wanted to be their focus and heart and home, but sakura already knew who her someone was and knew that on some level she was his too, so all she needs to do right now is wait.

most of the time, sakura wasn’t bitter. being apart from him wasn't unfamiliar, nor the steadfastness, nor the hope that one day this will pay off one day, nor the self reminders that what she felt was irrelevant as long as sasuke knew and was comforted by the fact that she would always love him.

to suppress her frustrations rather than confront them, sakura worked. she worked tirelessly and relentlessly and by nineteen, they'd named her the greatest medical ninja konoha has ever seen for her accomplishments, ideas, and innovations.

this took her to suna at twenty and to ame at twenty-one to help establish their own clinics.

“i have a gift for you,” ino told her before she left. 

sakura expected a ribbon or a piece of jewellery or that new book on poisons she mentioned she was interested in. instead, ino handed her a bag. its contents shift, imbalanced, and inside sakura finds a potted plant. 

“a flower?”

“not just any flower, you ungrateful bitch.” ino pointed at her accusingly and then at the plant. its petals are a bright red with darker flecks at their base. “i made it.”

“you made it?”

“yes. you know me, interrogating and mind-reading by day, splicing plants together and making my own by night.”

“that’s sad.”

“fuck you. you’re sad.”

sakura laughed and ino laughed too but it got a bit sad because ino probably definitely knew that sakura was sad. “anyway,” ino continued, “we’ll call it the sakuino flower--”

“how creative.”

“--and i expect you to keep it alive through all of your travels.”

sakura frowned at ino, wondering if ino understood that a potted plant had no place in her travels, but ino didn’t seem to care. moreover, this particular thing didn’t seem to have the ability to survive in the desert climate she was going to be living in for the next six months. 

when sakura expressed as much, ino waved the matter off. “deal with it,” she said, giving sakura one last hug. “you’re one of the brightest minds to come out of this village. you’ll figure something out.”

-

its common name is the fire poppy, having originated from the fire country but somehow managing to survive in the deserts of wind country as well. the flower is know for its vibrant red petals, eye-catching and jarring across the barren brown it’s normally found in. sakura had to play with the original plant’s physiology when she first moved to ensure it could survive the alternate climate. in her spare time, when she wasn’t working with the kids, she deigned to work with her plant, eventually working on cloning the original. at some point she’d given one to a nurse she worked with who much admired the first, and gaara asked if he could try planting them in his garden. from there, the spores began to spread.

“why the fire poppy?”

was this someone from suna?

sakura considers the obvious motivation of revenge, but who would even want that? there were people who didn’t appreciate her friendship with kankuro or any of his siblings. perhaps an apprentice of chiyo’s who blamed sakura for not saving her when she gave her life for gaara’s. worse, perhaps someone that once worked sasori who resented her for his demise. or maybe someone she, sadly, can’t even remember. a patient she lost during the war whose family hated her.

sakura truly cannot pinpoint a motivation for this, much less a person. 

especially a person that would understand the meaning of this flower for her. 

ino would never give her this flower. ino would have scoffed at it and created her own. sarada couldn’t have picked it today. and sasuke certainly couldn’t have left it for her.

someone was in her apartment. someone brought it here. 

was it here before?

sakura considers the poppy and forces herself to keep calm. stay logical, she demands. stay smart. was the poppy there before? no, she thinks at first. she would have seen it. she’s certain she would have seen it.

but, she can accept, it’s possible she might have missed it. sarada was taken. her babysitter was murdered. it wouldn’t be surprising if sakura missed it. but sakura doesn’t miss things. right?

“don’t gaslight yourself,” she orders. 

no, she knows. the flower was not there before, meaning in between her going to kakashi, going to the prison, and then running back home, whoever took her daughter came back.

or worse, there was a team involved and one was with her child and another came back for her. 

sakura curses, wishing she’d put on her black ops armour earlier, because whoever brought the flower here is now making their presence known. she senses two people before she sees them and is unsurprised to find sudden flares of strength.

the bedroom is small and they’re in a building. she needs to take this outside, but where? there’s too much risk for others getting hurt in the crossfire. that’s why this was supposed to stay quiet. that’s why this will stay quiet.

they step out of the shadows and sakura assesses them quickly. one male, one female, both fairly young based on stature and development, maybe early twenties at the oldest. they’ll have agility on her, but they won’t have her experience. 

the man holds a chokuto. good. an advantage. sakura is excellent at fighting against such a weapon. if they’re foolish enough to use her husband’s favourite sort of blade, perhaps they didn’t do enough research on her. perhaps they were hired? but if they were unprepared, then were they really here to kill her? 

are they here to distract her?

that thought fills sakura with dread. is someone trying to keep her busy so she can’t get to sarada on time?

the woman shifts, one leg sliding to the side as she raises her hands. she holds no weapons, therefore she is the weapon. sakura knows all about that. she’ll need to be careful with this one. but she still has a holster on her thigh. it’s thinner that the usual styles. maybe a couple kunai, but more likely a set of sebon. this one is smart then. she’ll know precisely where she needs to hit sakura to stop her.

“haruno sakura,” the man greets with a short nod.

so it is her fault.

if this was about sasuke, about the uchiha, they would know her married name. this is about her, and for that sakura feels worse. her baby was taken and why? just to hurt sakura before killing her? sarada was who knows where with surely no one that could be good and all just to hurt sakura?

sakura snarls, furious in a way only a mother could be, and she feels the chakra pulsing around her fists.

“where is my daughter?”

their masks hide any expressions. they remain at ease in the face of her rage, shockingly unafraid of this woman that can level mountains. 

good, sakura thinks. let them be brave. let them come at her like fools. 

she runs through the bedroom door to get to the living room where there’s at least more space to maneuver. the man leaps and brings his blade down upon her, but sakura manages to shift to the side. careful to not be forced into a corner, she spins out of his range and into the open middle until the woman runs past her partner and takes sakura on hand-to-hand.

she matches sakura’s punches and kicks blow for blow. she’s good, sakura thinks nervously. and she’s fast. she’s small, maybe half a head shorter than sakura, so she puts her weight behind every quick jab. sakura gives most of her attention to the woman, but keeps a wary on eye on the man who sheathes his chokuto.

what as he planning?

it takes that one moment for the woman to catch her unaware. 

sakura chokes on her breath as the woman thrusts a senbon into her shoulder. the shock from that slows her down enough so she can lodge in a second.

“shit,” sakura curses as she stumbles back. she rips the senbon out, but she feels her left arm begin to go numb from the struck pressure point. “what did you do--”

sakura’s eyes widen she she feels something foreign begin to course through her. she considers the senbon, dark with her blood and likely something else. there’s a metallic smell that isn’t from the weapon, and sakura knows she’s been poisoned.

however, her body doesn’t bother to fight it. 

sakura watches her opponents, trying to understand how she’s been poisoned with something she’s immune to and just what poison this might be. she’s immune to everything in konoha’s own collection, as well as the ones she shares with shizune.

which poison is this?

does that matter?

sakura scowls at the two people involved in her daughter’s kidnapping and reminds herself that she can take them on one-handed just fine. she pulls her right hand into a fist and charges. the man is closest, so she lunges at him with a chakra-laden punch that sends him barreling into the wall. 

she grabs the front of his shirt and as she pulls him forward, his mask falls away to reveal green eyes, cold and lifeless, and a black diamond under his left eye that makes her uneasy.

sakura stares at the man, confused, because she knows this face.

she knows him.

her fear and pain and worry makes it hard to focus, but knows him. 

focus.

finally, it clicks. 

“isao?”

she thinks she might have seen something like recognition in his eyes. that doesn’t long though. she left herself open, and his partner stabs her shoulder. sakura releases isao with a cry before the woman punches her in the back of the head and everything goes dark.

-

the sun is up when sakura begins to stir. she hears the birds chirping and people outside going about their days. but the buzz of the television is missing, as are the small thuds of sarada’s steps. where is sarada? sakura wonders hazily, lazily, not quite understanding yet.

where is sarada?

her eyes widen and she sits up so quickly her stomach rolls.

“careful.” tsunade comes into view, steadying sakura and checking her for any problems. “you’re still healing.”

she’s in her own bed. she’s not at the hospital. she got knocked out and the assassins got away. she should’ve done something to track them. dammit. was she so arrogant she didn’t have a failsafe in place for if she didn’t simply beat them? sakura punches the bed, earning a disapproving frown from shizune on her other side.

“there was poison in your system.” 

“it was one of ours,” sakura admits warily. 

“yes. there are very few people with access to those, much less this particular one.”

the one that the assassin used was meant to render a victim paralyzed but still able to feel. it was a dreadful thing, meant only for the worst of interrogations. or, more accurately, for torture. sakura concocted it in her darkest moments at fourteen under shizune’s watchful eye. since then, while they’ve both had small handfuls of keen students, they’ve probably shared poisons from their personal roster with only five people at most.

for this particular poison, sakura knows only two people they showed it to, and only one of those was a student of sakura’s.

“how did you find me?”

tsunade rolls her eyes. “shizune sent you off to a prison from kakashi’s office. i figured i’d have to check on you shortly after. and it’s a good thing i did, stupid girl.”

“thank you.”

“don’t thank me. i’m scolding on you.”

“did they find anything useful?”

“no one’s been able to contact your husband.”

“right.”

“and they’re still under the impression that this has to do with the uchiha blood.” 

“they would be,” sakura mutters, too tired and in too good company to be anything but blunt.

shizune sighs. “do you know who came after you last night?” the flower is still where she left it on the dresser. shizune follows her gaze to the fire poppy, and all knowing with plants as well, shizune determines its origins. “how did that get here?”

“i think it was to taunt me.” sakura grimaces. “you were right.”

“about?”

“i think this is my fault.”

shizune’s eyes widen and quickly soften with sympathy. “none of this your fault,” she reminds sakura. 

tsunade crosses her arms. “enemies of yours then?”

“no.” sakura looks sad. “people i once loved.”

-

tbc

[jennana501]

Attachment and the Jedi Way

SPOILERS FOR THE MANDALORIAN AND STAR WARS REBELS

I always know a story is quality when what I want to say about it to my mother and sisters is too difficult to text, and I have to drive over and talk with them in person. Such was the case when I watched the Mandalorian Chapter 13. There were so many juicy details, plot developments, and general excitement about the long awaited appearance of one of our favorite Star Wars characters that I couldn’t stand being restricted by phone when I wanted to gush a million things. We were all so stunned with the emotion of her appearance. Truly a moment I will remember for the rest of my life. 

But after all the sweet outer frosting on the Chapter 13 cake had been licked clean, I dove into the center of this delectable episode and began to savor in its indulgent but substantial core. I have many thoughts about Thrawn, where Rex can be (is he dead or alive?) and where the season is going to go from there. What has interested me the most is Ahsoka’s reaction to our newly named green baby friend, Grogu. 

First I must say how much I love Rosario Dawson’s performance. I feel she knows who Ahsoka is and what she has gone through. I am reminded of little ‘Soka in her very first appearance in the Clone Wars animated movie when she takes care of the way less loveable baby Hutt. Seeing that she is  charmed by Grogu and that she clearly thinks he is cute makes me feel all sorts of warm fuzzies. Their very mythical and silent conversation in the moonlight shows how in tune with the force Ahsoka has become and that Grogu himself is much more than meets the eye. 

And yet when it comes to it, Ahsoka says she cannot train Grogu. The reason: his attachment to Din. I was surprised at first. Ahsoka does not see herself as a Jedi, at least as far as her association with the order that raised and trained her. I didn’t think I’d hear about attachment from someone who has forgone the Jedi way, especially since Ahsoka appears to have indulged in an attachment or two.

I immediately realized she was on to something. I recall Grogu’s moments of using the force: saving Din from the mudhorn; using the Force to save everyone from a giant fireball; Force healing Greef Karga; and Force choking Cara Dune. The latter example stands out to me as being the most violent use of the Force we see from little Grogu. He perceives that Din is in danger and acts against what we now know is his training to hurt someone in a manner that is often consistent with the dark side. 

Sure he is innocent and adorable. But he is also dangerous. And Ahsoka is right. It’s his attachment to Din that turns him from benevolent force using baby, to emotionally fueled deadly force bomb.

But I’ve seen Star Wars Rebels. I know that a Jedi can have relationships with other people and not turn to the dark side. You can love and still listen to the will of the Force. The Jedi were wrong. So I’m here to look into what attachment is, how you can love and not have attachment, and how Grogu might still become a Jedi, or at least the new wave sort of Jedi. 

First we must look at the poster child for attachment issues: Anakin Skywalker. The Clone Wars TV show could be renamed- Star Wars: Attachment and How it Disrupts Nearly Every Mission the Republic Assigns Anakin. He prioritizes Padme, Ahsoka, R2, and even Obi-wan over everything else. He is constantly  defying the orders of his commanders and putting the mission in danger. 

This all comes down to what happened to Anakin’s mother. 

When Anakin is taken from Tatooine, he has to leave his mother behind, with whom he shares a strong bond and attachment. When he is brought before the council and they say “he is too old”, what it really means is “he has already attached himself to something other than the Force.” Why else would being “too old” matter? The Jedi prefer blank slates for a good reason. Very small children have not developed strong attachments.

Anakin does turn into Darth Vader, after all. 

It would appear the Jedi are very right to say that Anakin should not be trained. He is ripped away from his mother; the man who believes in him is killed; and he is forced to be trained by someone who treated him with bitter indifference. After losing his mother he has no help, no advice, no direction other than to stifle his negative emotions. 

So instead of processing his grief and finding peace, he latches onto Padme. This attachment he will never abandon. He trains harder and becomes more powerful to always be able to keep Padme alive. The guilt Anakin feels for not being able to save his mother gives fire and passion to his obsession with Padme. And this obsession slowly erodes their relationship. 

Anakin says things like “There’s nothing more important than the way I feel about you.” (Hostage Crisis) During the Mortis Arc when he sees a vision of his mother, they have this conversation: 

“The only love I feel in my heart is haunted by what would happen should I let go.” 

“Then it is not love. It is a prison.” 

“But I have a wife…she’s everything to me.” 

“She’s not your destiny.” 

“But I love her.” 

We see the very ugly side of Anakin’s obsession and jealousy in the arcs that involve Clovis. Anakin's insecurities are valid, but they simply drive home the point that his attachment to Padme will eventually unravel him and lead to violence. 

Anakin and Obi-wan have a very interesting conversation during the episode “The Rise of Clovis” that reveals that Obi-wan is worried for Anakin and senses Anakin’s anger pitted towards the man he perceives as his rival. 

Obi-wan: Master Yoda is feels that your judgements concerning Rush Clovis are clouded. 

Anakin: I believe he can’t be trusted.

Obi-wan: Yes, but there is more isn’t there? I sense a deep anger in your by my simply saying his name. 

Anakin: He almost got Senator Amidala killed and I would have been responsible. 

Obi-wan: The Senator has risked her life many times. She’s quite capable of taking care of herself. 

Anakin: They had a relationship...once. I simply feel she is vulnerable to her emotions. 

Obi-wan: She is, or you? 

Obi-wan then empathizes with Anakin, telling him that he knows what it’s like to harbor feelings for someone. He tells Anakin to not be ashamed of these feelings, but that he must make the rights choice “for the order”. The conversation ends with Anakin becoming very angry, asserting he knows what his responsibilities are and Obi-wan leaves the room, leaving Anakin to deal with his distress alone. 

 And since Anakin is denied the support he needs, he resorts to controlling, intimidating behavior. He commands Padme to stay away from Clovis, is cruel to him, and chooses to punish Padme emotionally for Anakin's own insecurities. When tensions reach their peak, he attacks Clovis. This fully expresses Anakin's own fear and rage at the idea of losing Padme to another man. 

Anakin’s unchecked and untreated attachment to Padme, as we all know, results in the ultimate ruination of the both of them, the Jedi Order, and the Republic. He will never out anything about her. She is his center. Nothing else matters. 

This is not Anakin’s fault. This is the fault of the Jedi. Their teachings about attachment are unhelpful at best, and this stems from their crippling confusion over the difference between “attachment” and “love”. 

It makes me wonder if they even know what they are talking about at all. Their advice about attachment involves regurgitating confusing platitudes.  

In “The Revenge of the Sith"; Anakin goes to Yoda to seek his counsel. Anakin is told that “attachment leads to jealousy. The shadow of greed that is.” When Anakin asks what he must do to overcome attachment, Yoda tells him simply to “train yourself to let go of everything you fear to lose”. 

Thanks Yoda, I’ll get right on that. 

Anakin needs to “let go”, apparently, and if he is holding onto something dangerous, what should he be holding onto instead? No one ever explains. The Jedi simply tell him to “let it go”. 

It’s no wonder that Anakin can’t ever consider letting go of Padme. For all he knows, that means cutting her out of his life and never speaking to her again. Or worse, does that mean letting her die the next time her life is in danger? Does it mean he should replace love with indifference? He has no idea. As he is given no tools, Anakin fixes nothing and plummets to his unavoidable demise.

Divorce papers and deleting Padme’s number isn’t how Anakin is to overcome “attachment”, and it was never going to be. Obi-wan tried this method with Satine, and though he didn’t fall to the dark side, he never recovers from the bitterness and regret he feels.

In “Voyage of Temptation”, Anakin and Obi-wan discuss his and Satine’s relationship. Obi-wan explains his Jedi duties forced him to leave Satine after forming a strong bond and love with her over the year they were together on Mandalore. The Jedi teachings dictate that he let Satine go. So, obedient Padiwan that he was, Obi-wan cuts off his relationship with Satine. The results show that this was not the way. If the goal of the Jedi is to avoid negative emotion, then this technique fails and perhaps cripples Obi-wan forever.

Anakin: “As Master Yoda says: ‘A Jedi must not form attachments.’”

Obi-wan: “Yes, but he usually leaves out the undercurrent of remorse.” 

I’m here to tell you today that Obi-wan perhaps gets screwed over by the Jedi Code more than any other Jedi. Obi-wan does not have an attachment to Satine. Sure he says “Had you said the word, I would have left the Jedi Order” but that’s only because that is what he has been taught. He is taught you only have two options: love someone or be a Jedi. 

Obi-wan loves Satine. He has a relationship with her. Some even think, myself included, that he is physically intimate with her. Qui-gon no doubt encouraged this relationship. He probably carefully nurtured Obi-wan during this time, helping him be able to love without forming an attachment. But Obi-wan is not able to see that he could love Satine and still be a Jedi. Leaving the order means that his Jedi journey would be over. If he had realized love and attachment are separate things, he could have been a Jedi and could have had Satine's love, too . 

Qui-Gon nearly convinces Obi-wan to be different: Obi-wan could have been a Jedi with feelings and love. Satine is a person who values duty above all, just as Obi-wan does. She respects that he answers to the Force. They would have been able to perfectly rule together with that mutual understanding. He could have been her force wielding husband without being attached to Satine and falling to the Dark side. 

True attachment is so dangerous to a Jedi because if they attach to a person, an idea, or a cause then they are not attached to the will of the Force. 

This is the missing detail Anakin and Obi-wan needed. Obi-wan could have been completely attached to the Force, even while loving Satine and even becoming her husband. Anakin needs to know that he could attach his center to the Force, and that this would not interfere with a deep and meaningful relationship with Padme. While centered in the Force, Anakin could be Padme’s husband loving and living with her, but ultimately his duty is to the Force, just as her duty is ultimately to the Republic. 

We know all of this is possible because of two characters from Star Wars: Rebels. Kanan Jarrus and Hera Syndulla share what is essentially a marital bond. They love, live, and lead together. They are physically intimate, but they do not have each other as their centers. We see evidence of this in the episode “Call to Action”, when Hera leaves Kanan in the hands of the Empire. She  knows that if she risks saving Kanan then everyone else will be killed. 

If Hera had an attachment to Kanan like Anakin had to Padme, she would have risked everything to get Kanan back. Since Hera is not one of the most powerful Jedi in the galaxy, she would have failed and the rebel cell would have been stopped dead in its tracks. 

We also see evidence that Kanan is not attached to Hera. At the very end of their journey, after Kanan and Hera have fully expressed their feelings to each other, Kanan sacrifices himself for Hera and the others by using the Force to hold back an explosion. Though it appears as  Kanan is doing this because of his love for Hera, that is not the true motivation. If Kanan has an attachment to Hera, things would have gone differently. 

It is heavily implied leading up to this event that Kanan knows it is the will of the Force that he is to die. He knows this because the Force is his center and not  Hera. If his center is attached to Hera, I believe two things would have happened. Kanan would have tried and failed to save himself along with Hera and the others.  His actions would have been motivated by selfishness and desperation to extend his time with Hera. If Kanan tries to save himself, the conflagration consumed them all. The only way Kanan can prevent this is to draw upon the dark side of the Force. This would have thrown Kanan out of balance with the Force, and put him in very real danger of falling to the dark side. 

Instead, Kanan allows the will of the Force be done: he dies and his time with Hera comes to an end. Hera knows this about Kanan, and has always accepted the possibility he would choose the Rebel cause over their time together. Kanan knows the same of Hera. This mutual respect is the foundation of their love for each other. A Jedi can have a love and a bond with someone as long as they understand that ultimately, if the Force wills them to do something they must do it, regardless of how that affects their lives together.

So, can Grogu live like Kanan? The issue with Grogu, however, is that he already has attachment. His center is his adopted father, Din. Grogu is currently like Anakin, and if Din hands Grogu over to Ahsoka, they will have very Anakin-like troubles. From whom is Grogu going to learn? Ahsoka is unable to teach Grogu how to let go of deep attachment and center on the Force. Ezra Bridger can. 

In the second part of this post, I will discuss how Ezra Bridger is one of the most important Jedi who has ever lived, because he will be able to Grogu learn to let go, attach to the force, love and live, and yet do what needs to be done. 

[walviemort]

hidden blessing (4/?)

Summary: Killian thought the only thing he was left with after Milah’s death was a broken heart and a thirst for vengeance. It’s not until he gets to Storybrooke, after so many years spent in stasis, that he discovers something else: he’s carrying her child. How does this new, tiny blessing change his path? (Canon-divergent from 2x12.)

rated T | part 1 | part 2 | part 3 | AO3 | 2.9k

a/n: another update! this brings us to the end of Season 2...things will only get more interesting from here! (once I write it, lol) Thanks for reading! dedicated as always to the amazing @sherlockianwhovian​

Killian had figured out where the royal family lived sometime after his arrival in town, and his keen sense of direction led him to it without detour (well, save for one to lose the meager contents of his stomach in a bush). When he entered the building, he could hear the sounds of bickering coming through the open door at the top of the landing; they never even heard him coming up the stairs.

“STOP!” the young lad shouted. “I already lost my dad. I don't wanna lose anybody else. We have to work together.” 

“From the mouths of babes. I'd say the lad has a point,” Killian had to agree, enjoying the way everyone jumped at his voice as he entered the apartment. His tiny moment of glee was quickly burst, though, by the swift introduction of the prince’s fist to Killian’s face. 

“That was for the last time we met,” David added.

“Bloody hell,” Killian muttered, checking his nose for blood (and thankful the prince hadn’t headed any further south).

Finding nothing amiss other than what would likely be a sore spot, Killian looked back up to address the group—only to find the end of the prince’s gun staring him in the face.

“Tell us why you're here before I use something other than my fist.”

“I think threatening to kill me seems a bit redundant when we're all about to die anyway,” Killian threw back.

“No thanks to you,” Emma interjected. “Regina just told us you were working with Tamara and Greg to get your revenge.”

It was the first time he’d seen Emma in weeks and the flip his heart did at the sight of her was both foreign and welcome. Why had he waited so long to seek her out?

“Well, that was before they told me I had to die to get it,” he explained, hoping he hadn’t stared at her too long.

“We don't have time for this,” she said angrily, turning to her father. “We have a real problem.”

“Which is why I'm here,” Killian interjected again, calling her attention back to him. “'Cause staring death in the face has made me realize if there's one thing I want more than my revenge, it's my life.” Behind everyone else, Regina gave him a knowing look; but everyone else seemed to buy his reasoning. “So should we stop this thing now, and then resume bickering?”

Regina stepped forward, though. “There is no stopping it. And the best thing I can do is slow it down, but that will only delay the inevitable.”

“It'll give us the time we need,” the prince said, in a tone that generally indicated one had a plan.

“The time for what?” Snow White asked.

“Steal back the beans. Use them to get everyone into the Enchanted Forest before Storybrooke is gone.”

“How? We don't even know where Greg and Tamara are,” Emma countered.

Which was Killian’s prompt. “Well, I do. I can help.”

“Help yourself,” she scoffed. “You'll take them and leave us all behind. Why should we trust you?”

He refused to admit how much that stung—or, rather, continued to, ever since their trip up the beanstalk. But before he could defend himself, the prince stepped in.

“No, we won't have to. I'll go with him, and if he tries anything, I'll shoot him in the face.”

“Quite hostile, aren't we?”

“Just being clear.” How odd that he admired that fiery spirit in Emma but was so thoroughly annoyed by it in her father.

A plan quickly formed and roles were assigned, and people started to move for the door, save for Regina—who was making what sounded an awful lot like a goodbye to Henry. He wanted to be surprised at what was surely going to be a self-sacrificial moment for the queen, but if he truly stopped to think of it, he’d likely do the same, even if his own child was hardly the size of an avocado. The glance she gave him over the boy’s head was full of trust—she was counting on him to.

Were it just him, he likely would have prioritized saving himself over all the others. He knew it wouldn’t be all that hard to get a bean for himself and sail away, leaving everyone else to face their own fates. But now...he wouldn’t be able to face his child with all that blood on his hands. He already had enough of that as it was.

“The things we do for our children,” he found himself muttering as he followed David out the door.

---------

Once more, he had to brave a terrifying motorized coach as the prince drove them to the cannery. Despite everything he’d been through in the past few weeks, he was certain that this form of transportation was most likely to harm him and his babe. But thankfully, it was a short trip, and he couldn’t wait to escape once the vehicle stopped moving.

No sooner had he set foot on solid ground, though, than it trembled beneath him; it had been doing that with increasing frequency. “Time’s running out,” he shouted at David as they headed for the entrance.

Sarcastically, the prince threw back, “Oh, is that what that means?”

Greg and Tamara were in the far end of the building from where they were, but they carefully traversed its length, not wanting to give any warning they were there. Killian was definitely on edge, and he wasn’t sure which was racing faster: his heart, or the rapid flutters of his child.

“So, tell me, Hook,” David started, albeit quietly, as he followed Killian. “All this time, it's been about revenge for you. Why is that suddenly so important to you that you survive? I know what I'm fighting for—my family. What are you fighting for?

As much as Killian longed to say the same, he knew he couldn’t just yet. “Myself. That's plenty of motivation, I can assure you.” Hopefully his reputation covered his half-truth.

Not that it mattered; footsteps fell up ahead and they both fell silent just as Greg came into view.

A scuffle ensued as the two sides fought to gain control of the beans; Killian was briefly discombobulated when Tamara shot the prince’s gun from his hand, but he saw his opportunity as Greg was taunting them with the jar containing the items. He knew it was dangerous, fighting over such an item so violently, but the alternative was even worse, and so he tackled the man to the ground (and was quite pleased to be the one doing the punching for a change). 

David disappeared, chasing after Tamara, while Killian and Greg scrambled for the beans as they lay in the shattered glass; they both got their fingers on one each at the same time, and Greg was up and running much faster than Killian was capable of. 

But he wasn’t far behind, thankfully, as he had to hold back David from running after the other pair.

“What are you doing? They've got the beans!” he shouted, struggling.

“Not all of them. I snagged one,” he explained, showing it to David before putting it in the pocket attached to his belt.

“Where are the rest?”

“Who cares? All we need is one.” David attempted to run after them again; perhaps this was good practice in dealing with an unruly, stubborn child, he thought as he grabbed David’s arm. “Hey! Live to fight another day, mate!”

“I'm not your mate,” the prince snarled, then ripped the pouch off Killian’s belt and headed back the other direction. Kilian sighed, and followed him out.

-----------------------------------------------------

Much of the conversation in the diner around him was drowned out by the delight that was Granny’s cooking; he was glad he’d be able to sate his craving at least once more before whatever happened next, and he’d never met a dish quite like lasagna before. Until he heard an absolute absurd idea—to use the bean on the trigger and save Regina—and turned around on his stool just in time to intercept the bean as David tossed it to Emma.

Sounds of protest immediately followed his deft grab, but he didn’t care. “You're all mad.” Emma tried to grab it back, but he was easily able to hold it out of reach. “I can live with myself.”

“Give it back,” Emma demanded; goodness, she was attractive like this—all fiery anger—but now was not the time.

“If she wants to die for us, I say let her.”

Emma took a step closer, but made no attempt to reach for the bean this time; he smelled something lightly floral that seemed to suit her perfectly, but still—not the time. “You and I—we understand each other,” she said. “Look out for yourself, and you'll never get hurt, right?”

“Worked quite well for me,” he agreed, even if that wasn’t the whole truth.

“Yeah, till the day that it doesn't. We're gonna do this. It might be stupid, it might be crazy, but we're doing it. So... you can join us and be a part of something, or you can do what you can do best and be alone.”

He swallowed. It should be unnerving, how well she had him figured out despite not knowing the whole story. But it was hard to argue against a statement like that.

“Quite passionate, Swan,” he answered, and handed over the pouch. No one waited for any more words and immediately headed for the door, but he hung back—partly because he wanted to finish that lasagna, and partly because he wasn’t done with Emma. Before she’d taken two steps, he reached for her forearm. “Why are you really doing this?” he asked; he could read her just as easily.

And she knew it. “The kid just lost his father today,” she admitted. “I'm not letting him lose a mother, too.”

That was odd; he hadn't heard of any casualties. “His father? Who's Henry's father?”

“Neal,” she answered somberly.

Bloody hell—no. “Baelfire?”

“Yeah.”

This wasn’t nausea—there was genuinely a pit forming in Killian’s stomach. Bae couldn’t be gone; they’d never even—he hadn’t—

He pushed those feelings away as he watched Emma turn and walk out. If Bae was gone, then that meant there was truly nothing for him here.

He felt the smoothness of the bean in his jacket pocket, where he’d hidden it. Good riddance, Storybrooke.

------------------------------------------------

The tremors that were shaking the ground were also stirring the sea, but not enough that he had any problem getting the ship out into open waters. Once he was far enough away from land, he pulled out the bean from his jacket pocket.

For a moment, he stared at it, and felt its coolness against his fingers. How odd that something so small had so much power. Although, he did have to admit: the first image he’d seen of his child was fairly similar in shape, and there was no doubting the sway they held over him; it was why they were here, after all.

Killian tried to focus his thoughts on the Enchanted Forest before throwing the bean and opening the portal, but his thoughts were oddly jumbled, and it wasn’t just pregnancy brain this time.

His gaze drifted to the markings he’d carved into—and scratched off—the helm so many years ago. Bae. 

Now that he was alone, he could feel the emotions at learning of the lad’s passing finally welling up. Well, he wasn’t quite a lad anymore, was he? Or, had he been, rather. He’d grown up somehow, fathered a child, led a life—a life that surely wasn’t what it should have been, and it was definitely Killian’s fault. 

And now, there was a decent chance Bae’s son would face a similar fate, if Killian had interpreted things right. Could he let that happen in exchange for his own child’s safety?

Just then, he felt something sharp in his stomach; his hand flew to the spot, low on the gentle curve of his belly. What on earth had that been?

A moment later, he felt it again, this time against his palm. Was that...was the babe kicking? The books indicated that he shouldn’t be able to feel it yet—not for some time, actually—but there it was again. His child—kicking—communicating with him.

And he could tell right away what they were saying: that no, he could not leave another boy to face the same fate Bae had.

Which meant there was only one thing to do. As quick as he could, he pocketed the bean again and spun the wheel, turning the ship around.

---------------------------------------

The ship was only just docked when the band of heroes were already gathered around the gangplank.

“What the hell are you doing here?” Emma called out as they approached. If he took a long moment to appreciate how she looked with the sea breeze blowing her blonde curls, he kept that to himself.

“Helping,” he answered dryly as he shuffled down the ramp.

“Well, you're too late,” Regina snarked, but sounded oddly worn out.

“Am I?” he tossed back; something had clearly happened in the short time he’d been gone.

Emma was waiting for him at the bottom of the plank. “I thought you didn't care about anyone but yourself,” she said, quietly and accusingly. His stomach flipped and he wasn’t about to try to figure out why.

Instead, he pulled the bean from his pocket and held it out to her. “Maybe I just needed reminding that I could.”

Amazingly, she seemed speechless as she took it from him, then glanced around at the others. Regina, ever the impatient one, was the first to speak up.

“Enough waiting around, let's go.”

“Go? Where?” He’d definitely missed something. “I thought we were saving the town.”

“We already did,” the prince answered; Killian supposed he wasn’t all that surprised.

“We need to get Henry,” Emma continued. “Greg and Tamara took him through a portal.”

Bloody hell; he knew that pair was trouble. There was no debate; he knew what he had to do. “Well, I offer my ship and my services to help follow them,” he quickly supplied. A gentle but firm kick in his belly seemed to indicate his child’s approval.

“Well that's great, Hook, but how do we track them?” Regina complained as they began to board; he could now see her attitude covering up the panic.

“Leave that to me.” The Dark One’s voice never failed to send a chill down Killian’s spine. “I can get us to where we need to go.”

Before he could protest, Snow decided for all of them. “Well, let's do it.” He had to concede for the moment; if they had no clue where the wretched pair had taken the boy, then he certainly couldn’t steer them in the right direction.

Everyone boarded and found places on the deck while Killian readied things. Last aboard was the Crocodile; Killian’s stomach turned at the sight, not just because of recent memories on this deck, but past ones, too. It never seemed to end well when he was on board. This man was the reason his child would never know their mother, and that was impossible to forgive.

But it wasn’t about Killian’s family right now. 

“So, are you done trying to kill me?” the Dark One sneered as Killian descended from the quarterdeck.

“I believe so,” he answered solemnly; at least, he was for now. Gods forbid the man ever came near his child, though.

“Excellent. Then you can live.” Without further prompting, the reptilian man waved his hand, and a swirl of smoke appeared on a crate; when it dissipated, it revealed a frosted glass globe, blank of markings.

Everyone seemed to be watching as he pricked his finger on the sharp point of the needle attached to the instrument, then dripped his blood on the cloudy glass. It swirled red until a map began to take shape—of some terrifyingly familiar islands.

“Where is that?” Regina demanded. “Where did they take Henry?”

Killian swallowed before answering; and gods, he wished it was anywhere else. “Neverland.”

He had no way of knowing whether the nausea turning his stomach was from the babe, or the prospect of entering that accursed realm again.

To his surprise, the only other person who seemed to realize the gravity of the situation was Rumplestiltskin; they exchanged a heavy look, before Killian broke it to get them moving. The sooner they got there, the sooner they could leave...he hoped.

Once the ship was ready again, Emma handed the bean back to him, along with a look that threatened murder should anything go awry. He almost feared that more than anything the Dark One could do to him.

Focusing on Neverland, he squeezed the bean in his hand, then threw it into the ocean and began to steer the ship into the portal that quickly formed.

His companions began to ask questions about where they were headed and who they’d be facing; he wondered what falsehoods this realm knew, but was too focused on navigation—and the flutters in his stomach that were of indeterminable origin—to hear what they were saying.

He knew well enough what lay ahead. And all he could do was send a prayer to whatever deity was listening that he and his babe survived the trip.

And he felt a very firm kick as the swirling waters closed around them, carrying them on their next adventure.

————————————-

thanks as always for reading! tags: @cocohook38​​​ @wyntereyez​​​ @jennjenn615​​​ @superadam54​​​ @ashley-knightingale​​​ @justsomewhump​

[faelapis]

white diamond’s morality

i think one of the reasons i like SU so much is, i feel its approach to morality is more structural than individual.

cartoons tend to be a bit... “great man history” about its conflict resolution. that is to say, entire systems hinge on their leaders, and the masses are easily led in a new direction if the old leader is dispatched. this is seen as unproblematic, and no one clings to everything they were taught under the old system. unless, of course, they’re one of the “bad seeds” (note again the individualism) and must also be dispatched, rather than understood as part of a context.

su definitely has a bit of that, namely the gems who were inspired by rose and chose to fight with her, but it’s more deconstructive about it. they all have personal reasons for joining, rather than the rejection of their old lives being the “default”. they still cling to fears of failing to be what they’re supposed to (especially pearl), and their leader doesn’t have a solution to the gem hierarchy. 

rose is against it, but she doesn’t know how to dismantle it. she carries seeds of disrespect towards those she protects. she may not even think they can truly break free, judging by her dialogue. she plays the perfect leader, because she’s become depressed enough to think that’s what they want her to be. it’s certainly what she was encouraged to think.

moreover, many on the cg side, including rose, thought that “shattering“ pink would be the end of it. that the dear leader was necessary to keep the system alive. but that thought is subverted - not just by the other diamonds, whose ties to pink are close, but by her followers. the ones whose role became their solace, rather than the thing they wanted to escape from. they don’t all become crystal gems, because that’s not what makes sense to them. what makes sense is to... keep going, as before. that’s what made sense to jasper, eyeball, nephrite.

and yes, they all suffer for it, but the worldbuilding of the show is strong enough that there’s inherent understanding that their responses make sense within their world, and that expecting them to celebrate and change sides overnight is... kind of unfair. it was certainly immature of rose, if she ever had that hope.

which brings me to white diamond.

i love the setup of the current arc. the question is never “can white be redeemed or will we just have to kill her”, because there are actual reasons they’re talking to her in the first place that aren’t merely ideological. like, ok, you defeat white, then what? the corrupted gems are still corrupted. her gems will hate you, maybe even seek revenge. i hope your individual moral purity was worth it, because that’s all you get for refusing to talk to her. by treating her as an individual evil, you’re inherently choosing to ignore structural problems at hand.

so the real questions are as following: 1. what would steven need to do to convince white to help him? 2. why does white perpetuate the system, and what does she think would happen without it?

i’m not the oracle who can tell you the former, but the latter is worth discussing. most of the reaction i’ve seen to the idea of white having genuine character motivation is very... well, as the saying goes, “cool motive, still murder”.

but people basically say that about every character before they know that motivation. they said it about jasper. they said it about blue and yellow (some still do, but others substitute that for blaming everything on white). it’s a very easy thing to say, when you assume all it could be is just “maybe they’re sad and lonely :(“... but that’s not what i imagine for white.

to be clear - i do think she’s lonely. isolating yourself in your head (figuratively and literally) for thousands of years will do that to you... and playing puppet with her pearl is kind of a brilliant commentary on what it’s like to be avoidant - you’re there, you can see and hear others, but you’re shielding yourself in such a way that they can’t really reach you. you’re not present enough to open yourself up, or ever tell anyone how you feel. “white never leaves her own head anymore”.

but this isn’t a motivation in and of itself. avoidance is tied to anxiety, so what is white so scared of happening if she lets go of her control?

honestly, i think what she fears is nothing less than the end of gemkind.

becoming a childless god.

the crystal gems are basically ok with that. they have to be, because gem production requires feeding off of planets, and fertile ones tend to be populated - hence the injectors look like irl viruses. they’re a parasitic species. they reproduce by killing their host.

moreover, gem production is highly specialized. you need kindergarteners, and then you need lapis lazulis to terraform in preparation of the injectors, then of course you need armies to conquer the next planet, and then Of Course you need agates to keep those gems in line, and then Naturally you need a court system with zircons to make sure everyone does their jobs, and Obviously guards to keep the peace, and managers, and pilots, and domestic servants, and if everyone doesn’t do these things then nothing will ever get done! there will be chaos and we’ll be defeated and we’ll all die next time we try to reproduce. what’s that, the youngest diamond thinks we should prioritize humankind over our own species? don’t be absurd!

that’s the rabbit hole of anxiety white has fallen down. and those anxieties aren’t merely hers, but everyone who follows the system - and gems seemingly burst out of the ground “already knowing what they’re supposed to be”, which is very much in line with that system. 

we tend to prescribe individuality to the diamonds, that they do things merely because they want to, but i think white is as much part of her court as her court depends on her. she doesn’t just think she’s the leader, she thinks she has to be in order to serve her society. she’s another gear in the clockwork, just like everyone else. why shouldn’t she stay in her room as a perfect queen, shining down on her court without desires of her own? why should she open up about what she wants? such irrational thoughts...

i think how pink creates life (the pebbles, lion, steven’s watermelons) terrifies white, because it’s use of resources without that structure. putting your own desires above your duty, allowing atomic chaos controlled only by each individual, knowing that those individuals could be destroyed and nothing new could be made without a diamond’s essence... feels selfish to her. like. ok, you want individuality and choice, cool, i’m kinda trying to keep everything in its place so we can live on as a species. but go off i guess.

and this is the part where i say what’s obvious but still needs to be said - white’s perspective is flawed. pink may be reckless, selfish, and naive, but white’s system is so deeply collectivist that she fails to see the clockwork as made up of individuals. why shouldn’t she harvest and replace a faulty part, if someone in the beehive isn’t doing their job perfectly? we’re all just machine parts, and we’re all replaceable. naturally. for the greater good. 

it’s fitting that what made her smile in the first place was a synchronized dance of literal machine parts. the end of that order terrifies her.

this is why her design (and homeworld’s) is so heavily inspired by the movie “metropolis” - which was in and of itself a critique of the dehumanization of workers under industrialism. white is the end point of that. that’s also where we got the quote for the configuration of the diamond ship - “the mediator between the head (white) and the hands (blue & yellow) must be the heart (steven)”. 

but it’s not just her. peridot and jasper both think this is perfectly rational, and write the crystal gems off as emotional and selfish (at first). and.. everything taken into account, it’s clear that neither the crystal gems as a collective or rose as an individual have been able to fully cast these ideas aside. rose’s answer wasn’t for gems - it was to put her faith in humanity, who “can choose”. who can reinvent themselves. and she thought right up until her last years that gems are somewhat tied to their purpose. that’s why she wanted to be human, after all.

and that’s why steven makes such a great bridge between these worlds. he’s blunt about how wrong it is, what rose and the crystal gems thought - that gems couldn’t change. of course they can, look at how far garnet, amethyst, and pearl have come! look at how they’ve blossomed, look at how they’ve worked to become their best selves! look at what gems and humans have in common! 

and what’s sometimes a flaw of his - inserting himself into other people’s lives and believing he understands what’s best for them, even before he knows them as individuals, to the point that it occasionally drives people (like lapis and lars) away... who does he have that in common with, if not the diamonds? if not the “impeccable judgement” of white herself?

i think that’s why, ultimately... flawed, biased and shortsighted as he can be (just like his mother), steven can get through to white. maybe not now, but someday. because he understands how these things fit together, how the problems of individuals have structural causes. most importantly, he knows that it’s going to take more than just him to fix things - and maybe he can help white realize that, too. there’s a secret fusion or love affair everywhere you look on homeworld, and so she could never really control a clockwork order... but that’s ok, because she can let go. everything in the world isn’t up to her.

[fortunatelylori]

What I find so frustrating about Jon is that he never seems to learn his lesson about poor communication. It happened with tragic consequences in the NW, and it happens again in s7. He was so offended that Sansa publicly disagreed with him, and I get that it's because of his own insecurity and he felt undermined, but it never occurs to him that she wouldn't have HAD to if he'd discussed it with her beforehand and given her an opportunity to express her concerns privately. Will he ever learn?

Hey, nonnie!

First of all, I’d like to apologize for taking this long to answer. You guys have been sending me a lot of asks, which I love, so it’s taking me quite some time to go through all of them. On a general note, I sometimes prioritize answering asks that come as reactions to one of my posts or that are related to newly released info/promo/photos because I feel that letting those asks sit in my inbox for too long kind of defeats the purpose of them. Which means I don’t always go in a chronological order when answering questions. So if you see that I haven’t answered your ask, please don’t get discouraged. It’s very likely that it’s sitting there waiting for me to find time to give an in-depth answer. 

Now that that’s out of the way, let’s do this, nonnie!

Btw, love the sheer exasperation coming off of your post. What woman hasn’t asked the “Will he ever learn” question at least once in their lives. Men are from Mars and women are from Venus, indeed. :)))

I actually thought that this would be a good time for me to talk a bit more broadly about what I think Jon’s major two flaws/issues are at the moment and why I feel it’s important for him to overcome them, particularly in the likelihood of him becoming king at the end of season 8. 

The first one, as you already pointed out in your ask, is poor communication or, even more generally, his tendency to act as a lone wolf. 

This is a bit of a pickle for me because it’s one aspect, I feel, where book Jon differs from show Jon. I think book Jon displays lone wolf characteristics prior to his death. He essentially cuts himself off from his Night Watch brothers, sends Sam to Old Town and seems to take to heart Ned’s mindset of what being a leader is, which is to say that you can love your men but you cannot be their friend. Book Jon applies that to his Night Watch command and it’s in part the reason why he ends up being killed. He just becomes isolated and alone which in turn makes him vulnerable. 

Show Jon, I feel, doesn’t do that. Sam leaves for Old Town because he wants to go, despite Jon’s apprehensions and desire that he stay. He explains again and again the importance of the alliance with the Wildlings to his men and takes Ed with him to Hardhome. In private, he attempts to make Ollie see his reasons for making this decision. So I wouldn’t say that poor communication is what gets show Jon killed. 

What gets show Jon killed is Allister Thorne, essentially. For one, there is a strong personal animosity there that shouldn’t be underestimated. For two, I genuinely believe that Allister Throne is committed to the Night’s Watch and sees Jon as a dangerous element that needs to be stopped. So he gets his allies together and they plot against him. I don’t think the rest of the group is really as personally invested in the assassination as Thorne is, they’re simply his followers. 

The one glaring exception is Ollie whose motivations for killing Jon are deeply personal and, perhaps, from all of them, the one that is most understandable. He sees what Jon is doing as a personal betrayal and he is essentially taking revenge. It’s interesting to note that Ollie’s actions are the ones that hurt Jon the most and the first thing he remembers when he comes back from the dead. In many ways, I still don’t think he’s over Ollie killing him or that he had to execute him for it. 

Also important to mention here is that post-assassination, Allister and his group do not receive the support they were perhaps expecting. Ed and a few men loyal to Jon go as far as to oppose them outright and the rest of the Night’s Watch accept what happened because there is seemingly nothing to be done. Which is why when the Wildlings storm Castle Black, most of the Night’s Watch isn’t exactly chopping at the bit to protect Throne and his knife wielders. 

The reason why I say all this is because I feel like Jon’s lone wolf tendencies are very much a product of his resurrection and the betrayal he suffered through at the hands of men that called themselves his brothers. He’s naturally a man that values collaboration and communication, over imposing his will unilaterally. 

So in that sense, I do think in time he will get back there and be more open to communicating and debating his decisions. His communication issues are very much like Sansa’s trust issues. They’ve both suffered traumas and had their confidence in people abused and shaken, so they’re both reluctant to opening up fully. Also it’s important to note that once it becomes clear to him that Sansa feels excluded and wants her opinion heard, he adjusts and asks her opinion when it comes to Tyrion. So he is trying. That’s something. :)

There’s also a point to be made to what I believe are the differences between the two instances where Jon blindsides Sansa with his decisions, because I don’t think his motivation or intentions were the same in both of them. 

In the undermine me scene, I don’t think it occurs to Jon that Sansa would disagree with his decision to pardon Alys Karstark and Ned Umber. In his mind he is making the decision his father would have made (I’m not sure Ned would have done that but Jon tends to idealize him to a degree) so he thinks Sansa will have the same view on the subject as he does. In that sense, I think he’s genuinely surprised that Sansa disagrees with it. He decides to focus on the “undermining” aspect of her disagreement but I think in many respects that’s him deflecting what it truly bothering him which is that he feels Sansa doesn’t trust him enough to have faith in his decisions and that she would be so adamant to punish two young children. 

So his reaction to her challenging him is very personal and is a sign of deep vulnerability when it comes to her that he’s trying (not very well) to hide under some sort of political savvy pretense. 

Then there’s the scene where he announces to the Great Council that he has decided to go to Dragonstone. Sansa is naturally shocked by this because they’ve already discussed the subject and both her and Davos tell him not to go. 

The interesting thing about this scene is that Jon isn’t surprised by her reaction this time. He looks as if he’s expecting it actually. On top of that, Davos is surprised as well which means he didn’t discuss it with him either. 

What that tells me is that the reason why he doesn’t talk to Sansa beforehand is not a matter of poor communication in this instance but rather that he chooses not to tell her. The question is: why? 

Jonsa fans have theorized that Jon finds it hard to be alone with Sansa because of his personal feelings for her. That may very well be part of the reason for it but, more importantly, I think he doesn’t talk to her beforehand because he doesn’t want to be talked out of leaving. 

Let’s put it this way: Jon Snow is not an idiot. He knows going to Dragonstone is dangerous and risky. He knows that he might get killed or captured. He knows all of the things that Sansa tells him during the Council. But he still feels like he has to go because he needs men and dragonglass and dragons. So he avoids the council of Davos and Sansa, in particular, because he doesn’t want to hear the reasons why he shouldn’t go, he doesn’t want to think of the risk he’s placing Sansa in by leaving her alone and he tries, instead, to convince himself that all will work out well. 

Which brings us to Jon’s second major issue and one that, unlike his poor communication skills that need some adjustment but are not, in my view, catastrophic in the grand scheme of things (we all have flaws, after all), jeopardizes him and those he loves time and time again. And one that he really needs to get a handle on if he is ever to be a successful king: 

His “1st ranger” mindset: 

Sansa: Then send an emissary. Don’t go yourself!

Jon: Daenerys is a queen. Only a king can convince her to help us. 

Jon: The Free Folk will help us. 

Davos: They won’t follow Ser Jorah. 

Jon: They won’t have to. 

Time and time again we’ve seen Jon put himself at great risk and offer himself up for dangerous, almost suicidal missions. In theory, all of this has the makings of a hero which is great but, as D*ny puts it, heroes don’t tend to live very long because they end up doing stupid things. 

In order to understand where this issues comes from, we need to look back to what Jon first stated he had ever wanted, which was to be a ranger in the Night’s Watch and, in time, 1st ranger like his uncle Benjen.

While all the men of the Night’s Watch are expected to bare arms in the case of an attack, the rangers are the real soldiers of the order. So in essence what Jon always wanted to be was a warrior. 

Which is great, except that as early as season 1 he’s been constantly derailed from that desire. He wanted to be a ranger but became Joer Mormont’s stewart instead, something he felt was a punishment. It took Sam to point out that the Lord Commander asking for him personally meant that Jon was being prepared for command. But that didn’t seem to make Jon all that happy because and I quote: 

Jon: I just … always wanted to be a ranger!

So while everyone around Jon realizes that he is made for leadership, even as he displays alpha tendencies galore, Jon’s dream was to be a follower, not the ultimate authority. I think that hankers back to the hierarchy within the Stark family where the only Stark child actively prepared for leadership was Robb. Incidentally we see Robb embrace that role quickly and effectively because it’s something he always expected he would have to do.  

Jon’s first instinct is always to put himself at risk over other people and particularly post-resurrection he’s become quite careless with his life.

He suggest one on one combat against Ramsay, scaring the living daylights out of Sansa. During the battle of the bastards, fans tend to focus a lot on Jon’s charge in trying to save Rickon. I don’t really take that into account as much because it seemed like a natural reaction of a man desperately trying to save his kid brother. However, during that same battle, he charges singlehandendly against an army not once but twice: Once after Rickon is killed and the second when Ramsay runs from the battlefield (once again terrifying Sansa - no wonder the poor girl tells him over and over again that he needs to be smarter). 

And this trend continues in season 7 as well when he not only offers himself up for the wight hunt but also charges the zombie army on his own instead of getting on the freaking dragon. 

That’s very much the mindset of a warrior ready to face off against impossible odds but it’s not something Jon is allowed to do anymore because: 

Davos: You can’t lead a raid beyond the wall. You’re not in the Night’s Watch anymore. You’re King in the North!

Exactly, Davos! Exactly!

Jon can’t go around charging head first into impossible to win situations because he has a responsibility to the people he’s leading and because without him, the entire army/kingdom disintegrates. 

And in a way, I think Jon knew that at some point. During the attack on the wall by Mance’s forces, Jon acts not only bravely but strategically and decisively. And it’s the result of his good decision making that Grenn ends up dying. 

I think the guilt from that decision never left Jon which is why now he ends up preferring to put himself at risk than ask others to do it. 

But, unfortunately for him, Jon Snow was never meant to be 1st ranger. He is meant to be king and a medieval king, while needing to be a warrior, also needs to be a commander and a strategist, one that at some point will have to send good men, loyal men to their deaths. And he needs to learn to live with that. 

Which in essence is the real lesson that needs to be learned from book Ned’s commentary on the difference between a leader and the men he has under his command.

Thanks for the ask, nonnie! 

[dramaplustautology]

Happy birthday Ryunn!!!! You’re such a sweet, fun, and caring person, I’m glad we get to be budbuds~~~~~~~ <3

I wrote a small thing about Nico and I hope you’ll enjoy it 👀

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Sitting at the very end of the bar, alone and nervous under the hazy pot lights of the Panacæa, was a sweet little morsel. The quiet Thursday night made their heart flutter, and they waited for the bartender to notice them despite being at the front of the queue.

Nico dragged his tongue over his lips, tasting the acrid cigarette smoke wafting from the booths. Hidden in the fog’s stench was the gentle tang of his prey’s cold sweat melding with the perfume their mother must have sprayed at them on their way out.

The spoiled, sheltered sorts weren’t Nico’s first choices. Though he and his ‘colleagues’ didn’t hunt for the same reasons, neither preferred meat untainted by worry or fear.

But, while this heiress sat on plush couches waiting for stylists to pick out their clothing, their pulse rose for no reason. Nico recalled them telling him once that getting fitted in front of a mirror gave them symptoms resembling a panic.

Gabriel was a child reared under the umbrella of a runaway rich record label and hated every minute of it.

Coming to this bar, even if it made the little lady steep in anxiety, must have been a small revenge against the person that put them in front of the mirror.

That was how it was, at first.

Shifting her eyes from her clasped lap for a moment, the tabloid’s “Shy Gabby” looked up at the spaces between the shelves of spirits. There, she spied a new painting Nico had hung up to replace a copied print.

“I thought a genuine piece would be more interesting.” The bartender enjoyed startling his patrons, and watching how quickly they slid back to ease. His guest stifled a gasp, straightening their back in fright before letting their shoulders relax, though not all the way. The heiress and her heavily concealed eye bags never quite fully relaxed.

Leaning a hand on his countertop, Nico splayed his fingers and regarded the girl’s widened eyes through their bangs. They gazed at the glint of his piercings, quickly matching his green gaze.

In the low lighting, Nico’s slitted pupils were dilated just enough to pass as human. With how threat held an air of allure, the close brush was on purpose.

“You don’t like it.” He smiled easily.

Gabby struggled to reply, going so far as to hide her blushing cheeks behind her hands.

“Um, hi Nico,” She settled on greeting him sheepishly. “It’s uh, not that don’t like it. I’m just getting certain strong feelings.”

True to her polite upbringing, Gabby downplayed how the painting made her want to throttle a child.

The painting itself was reminiscent of a pastoral paradise; a summer’s day in a garden just outside an orchard. Vibrant greens and yellows contrasted the darker ambience of the bar, and if you squinted, you could see the crushed little daises in the grass.

Despite the peaceful scenery, the artwork screamed. Off in the corner of that garden was a white wooden picnic bench where a mother had laid an array of desserts for her baby’s birthday. Most of it was on the ground, and the baby was shrieking so hard that a vessel had burst in their eye. Both mother and child were red in the face, one from stress and the other from temper.

They took up the smallest section of the beautiful canvas yet commanded total attention.

“This is a Degrassi piece,” Nico explained, wanting to smoke a pack just from staring that the thing for too long. “Titled ‘Nightmare,’”

“Really?” Gabby creased her brow. “All because of a little baby?”

“You see a baby, but Degrassi originally named it ‘The Obstacle.’”

Biting her lip, the heiress seemed to want to say something. Whatever it was clearly bothered her but she swallowed her troubles. Nico figures a chaser would eventually help it bubble back to the surface.

“A blue paloma for you?” Nico offered her the usual. “With the spiced rim?”

Glad for a diversion, Gabby nodded eagerly. “Yes please!”

“Unfortunately, it’ll be off the menu very soon,” Nico informed her, watching her smile fall. “I’m slimming down the selection for costs, you see? More of my patrons prefer the original recipe and the syrup for the blue paloma and its sisters are expensive. I have to prioritize what’s important.’

“Oh…” Gabby stifled a sigh as Nico filled a crystal highball with mint leaves and slices of citrus.

“So, don’t go running of anywhere,” He cracked open a brand-new bottle of the Empress Butterfly, and drizzled it over the fruit. “I’ll keep a bottle in house, just for you.”

Gabby couldn’t stop herself from smiling, leaning over the bar to watch him turn the glass sky-blue with the tequila and grapefruit soda.

“Just for me,” Gabby repeated, becoming a flustered pink. Her anxiety slowly gaining on her.

“Like I said, I have to prioritize what’s important.” The heiress’ reaction pleased him, and he let a fang peak out of his smile. He slid the drink towards her, directing her attention there. His tongue swiped away the venom leaking from his aching teeth.

There was no need to overdo, or waste more on that blue bottle. The venom rubbed into the bottom of that glass was close to an overdose for a fragile regular.

Inhaling slowly, Nico watched the drink touch Gabby’s lips, and the bitter tang of his venom sliding over her tongue remained undetected. His poison sunk into her flesh, working fast as the worst of it coursed down her throat.

“I wonder,” The bartender glanced at the painting. “Maybe I should put that thing back in storage if it’s making everyone uncomfortable.”

“No, no,” Gabby shook her head, pushing her platinum hair out of her face. She couldn’t quite focus her eyes on the picture. “Or well, no for me. No as in it doesn’t bother me that way. The way that—” she waved the words away from her face.

“Go on.” Nico encouraged her, nodding at a passing patron heading to the washroom.

“That title, and that baby actually makes me a little laughy,” Gabby touched her numb chin. “Before my parents got married, my dad already had a little boy. Mom never liked my big brother. Not even when he got old enough to take care of me. Once I got a big scholarship, he decided that I could take care of myself, and dropped off the map.”

She paused to reach the bottom of her glass. Flushed almost as brightly as the subjects of the painting, Gabby gaped at her empty drink in confusion.

“Sorry, I don’t usually pound these back so fast.”

“Don’t apologize for a compliment,” Nico smirked, having already prepped a second paloma. As far as he knew, Gabby never smoked. The addictiveness of his venom was hitting her hard. Her chest rose and fell faster but she didn’t notice, reaching for the glass herself. “But for your brother’s disappearance, I’m awfully sorry about that.”

“That’s okay, I really like talking about him,” She glanced at the painting, needing to really screw her eyes to see that annoying little baby. “Mom threw out all of his pictures, so seeing that painting is…” She leaned her cheek on her palm, her words slurring together. “…seeing him again.”

A pair of men got up from their booth and headed for the washroom. Nico watched them carefully, and concluded that didn’t notice Gabby slouching over.

Gabby raised her drink and missed her mouth. The drink sloshed against her chin and dripped on her clothes.

“Wait, wait, I have to thank you,” She gripped the edge of the bar. “You’re keeping that bottle just for me, and talking just to me. What about, what about your other customers?”

“It’s no—” Nico looked up and saw the entire bar empty, save for a man wobbling towards the washroom. “—problem?”

“I should call my driver over just in case,” Gabby dug rummaged through her coat pocket, not quite being able to get a good grip on her phone. “I think I’m floating.”

Nico closed his hand over hers, the cold perspiration of the glass dripping over their fingers. He brushed his knuckles against her cheek and she was far gone enough to lean against them.

“Don’t you remember? You didn’t want your mother to find out how bad you’ve been. Won’t you stay a while longer?” He was closing in on Gabby. She could smell the poison on his breath. A sickly sweetness mingled in his words, masking Nico’s growing annoyance at the spoiled little kid.

After she ‘disappears,’ the real stars would wander in. Her parents, despairing over the loss of both their children, would eventually find their way here, plummeting out of the sky to join shy Gabby.

Unlike his colleagues, Nico didn’t just pluck litter off the ground. He wanted to make the stars fall.

“You’re...” Gabby rubbed her eye, feeling her throat close as her vision blurred. “You’re so nice to me.”

With the bar empty, Nico stood back and let Gabby’s head fall on the counter. It bruised her forehead but he merely regarded her banally.

“Such a waste,” The snake tsked, lifting the half drunken cocktail. Gabby murmured something and Nico lifted a brow. “Still there?” He flicked his tongue out and tasted copper. “I shouldn’t have given you a full dose. There could have been a second catch if I saved.”

He had given her enough venom to kill a full-grown human. Gabby was in her twenties but childish that Nico could argue that she didn’t qualify but, he didn’t expect it to make her bleed.

“Hm.” He rolled her head to check if her nose or eyes were bleeding. Seeing them dry, he pried her mouth open and clean drool dripped out.

Then where was that smell coming from?

Tasting the air, he mulled over his empty bar. Panic stabbed him in the ass the moment he realized no one had left the building.

“Fuck!” He rushed out from behind the bar and down the hall towards the bathrooms. Throwing open the door to the men’s, Nico almost broke the steel handle from the absolute mess those animals made in his business.

Blood was splattered everywhere, because the humans had the foresight to use knives instead of guns.

Three men were flooding the floor on the ground, and a fourth was slouched in the back stall, groaning pitifully.

“H-help me,” They cried, having heard the door open.

“Ssssssshut up.” Nico hissed, stepping away from the spreading blood pond. If he left footprints, the police were going to ask about it.

Of course he’d have to call the cops. Nico would owe every asshole on the street a favor if he tried to hide four bodies by himself.

Gripping his hair, he scanned the washroom to figure out exactly what the hell happened.

The man dying in the stall must have been the first one to to arrive, followed by the two mobsters Nico had repeatedly told not to conduct their deals in his establishment. Obviously not listening to him, the idiots probably began talking without checking for other people in the stalls.

Judging by how close their body was to the first man’s, they noticed him, thought they were being listened in on, killed him, and turned to each other.

‘I got set up,’ The mobsters both thought, and wrestled with each other.

Nico had chosen to have the bathrooms as far as reasonably possible from the bar, asking the renovators to rework the ventilations to guarantee human guests wouldn’t be bothered by smells or noises. So that’s why he didn’t hear a skull smashing on the edge of a sink. The giant pig took an entire corner off the sink.

That was when the fourth person rolled on the scene, drunk out of their mind. The survivor should have told him that they were having a bad dream and turn him around. Too bad he went for flashy and slashed at the jugular, which explains the spray on the ceiling and the body laying against the wall.

“Last man standing, how did you die?” Nico asked the one face down on the drain. There was a clean streak by his shoe and the snake figured he was laying on top of his knife.

Slipped and fell. Classic slapstick.

The body was close enough for Nico to touch without stepping into the blood. He slid on gloves he always kept in the lapel of his coat, and rolled the man over.

Whether his theory as correct or not didn’t matter in the end.

None of this was his doing but when the police come to investigate, they were going to do a sweep for evidence. The uniforms had the tools to detect clues Nico couldn’t, including traces of his venom on the cups, the tables, Gabby……

Retreating from the washroom, Nico dialed his tenant’s number and waited for their sleepy voice. It took three calls for them to pick up.

“I was taking my 1AM nap.” She snapped at him.

“It’s freezing down here, check the thermostat and dial the heat up.”

The line went dead, and Nico could hear her stomping out of her room.

Returning to the bar, he stood over Gabby’s still body. She was in a deep sleep, dreaming without a care in the world.

Grumbling, Nico pulled an antidote from his belt and looked for a syringe behind the counter.

“You’re lucky I can’t handle hiding you and a quadruple homicide at once.” He pierced the vial’s container with the needle, pulling on the plunger with his teeth. “You get one more week.”

Yanking Gabby’s hair out of the way, he stabbed the syringe into her neck.

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Come two in the morning, Nico was watching Gabby wake up. She weakly lifted her head and tried to flex her fingers. The residual effects of the venom made her feel heavy and she collapsed back on to the bar counter. Luckily, Nico’s folded coat was there to cushion her chin.

“Had a few pre-drinks before you went out?’ Nico asked, sitting right next to her. “No judgements. A little offended, I’ll admit, but no judgements.”

“I didn’t,” Gabby rubbed her temple, equal parts humiliated at her behavior and grateful that Nico watched over her. “What happened to me?” She asked herself, eyes blood shot. They snapped wide and her cheeks puffed up.

Slapping a hand over her mouth, Gabby ran for the washroom and Nico watched her go. The anti-venom tended to cause intense nausea and emptied the stomach for whatever reason. Luckily, it would do so in quick fashion and hopefully not turn them inside out in the women’s room.

Either way, it would soon be over.

He went back to his workspace and began prepping a hangover remedy.

Gabby was back surprisingly quickly, only a little pale from her ordeal. She peeked out of the corner of the corridor to watch him crush ginger into a glass.

“Ginger and sugar’s good for hangovers. Come over and tell me if you prefer orange or cranberry,” Nico flashed a relaxed grin at her. “Actually, better idea. Would you like to help? I’ve found that moving around can help with the cricks.”

Silent at first, observing Nico with a bleary gaze, the lure of his voice made her loosen her shoulders. Gabby removed her jacket as she approached the bar.

Nico’s brows rose, seeing something off about her appearance. Was her bust always so modest? Huh, maybe she wore pads in public appearances.

“Sorry for making you look after me like that.” She apologized quietly.

“No worries, I spent the time cleaning the washrooms,” He laughed inwardly at his cheeky remark. “And you’re stalling.”

Shifting her weight from one foot to the other, Gabby fidgeted with the edge of her shirt. It drew Nico’s attention to how much she looked different from her magazine appearances.

“I’m embarrassed,” Gabby interrupted Nico’s thoughts, coming to stand beside him. “There’s never been a need for me to cook anything. I mean, this isn’t cooking but I haven’t used a knife to even slice an orange.”

“It’s never too late to make a change. Try something new,” He stepped back and motioned Gabby to stand in next to him. “But since it’s a first, let me walk you through it.”

The heiress was being hesitant, staring at Nico’s tie rather than his face. He amused the idea of taking care of his problems the hard way, throwing the possibility of dismemberment on the table, but Gabby stepped into his space.

“You’re right.” She nodded, inhaling sharply at his cold hands laying themselves on her fingers. At second glance, he was wearing plastic gloves. “W-what would you think about a haircut?”

Barely registering the question, Nico pushed a knife handle into here palm and let his face brush against her hair as a distraction. He could practically see the shiver run up her spine.

Disregarding it as Gabby’s way of awkwardly filling the air, Nico replied “You’d look good whichever way but that isn’t for me to decide. I hope the changes you’ll make will convince you to smile at the mirror.”

Her lips twitched, floundering over how to react.  

Then, she gripped the knife tight and cut into the fruit.

“Thank you,” She glanced at the snake, truly grateful. “You’ve always listened and taken care of me. Thank you.” Gabby repeated.

And what of it? How hard was it to take note?

Whittling the hour away over small talk and fruit juice, the conversation veered into what Nico used to have on his wall. Cleopatra, the Anti-Christ on Leviathan, and Thor wading through the waters of Aesir. Gabby hoped to travel to where those works were born.

“Let me bring you a piece someday.” Gabby promised on her way out of the bar.

“Do you need a taxi?”

“I don’t think so. Walking might not be so bad.”

“Goodbye then.” Nico said, watching her wave back at him from the door. Her slim frame disappeared from view beyond the shaded class doors. There was no doubt in the snake’s mind that she’d never come back.

Whistling, he removed the blade from the knife handle and returned it to its original holder. Now riddled with Gabby’s fingerprints, with strands of her hair scattered on the bathroom floor, the police would have to focus on the most obvious evidence instead of raiding his entire bar.

Sending in every little bit of evidence they could find to the labs would be too expensive.

They had to prioritize.

He wiped the sweat from his brow, and was about to go toss the knife into the bathroom when the doors swung open once again.

A different woman sauntered through the threshold.

“I see you’ve cranked the heating, Degrassi,” Nico drawled, pointedly bored at her arrival. “It’s a greenhouse in here.”

Eulia, fresh out of her studio, had recognized the stench seeping up from the floorboards. With some sort of insane foresight, her bastard landlord had organized the wide room above the bathrooms.

“Time of death, who the hell knows when the little bugs have a hot party on those corpses,” Eulia pressed her finger to her chin, smiling at the prospect. “I did your dirty work. At least let me take reference photos.”

“Make it quick.” He gestured to the bathrooms.

“Hope you didn’t let Mr. Gabe see your disaster before I did.”

It was a throwaway comment that made the room spin.

“What did you say?” Nico hissed through his fangs, pupils slimming to pinpricks.

Eulia, annoyed that he was stalling her, gripped her hips and hurried the explanation.

“Right, like you would know. Mr. Gabe and I went to the same University before I dropped out. We had to do group projects and he works better with the right pronouns,” Eulia twisted her lips and narrowed her eyes. “Actually, you must have slithered real close if he was comfortable enough to wear a binder around you.”

Backing into a highchair, Nico leaned his elbows on the arm rest and stared at the ceiling. He should be running; tasting the cold night’s wind for any trace of the witness. But what was the point; Gabe must have taken pictures of the scene if he had been so calm this whole time!

The pot lights glared at Nico and they were blinding.

“Wait, did you let him go to the bathroom?” Eulia trilled a truly awful giggle. “Oh big brother, relax! You’re truly loved! By Gabe and the Great Beast himself.”

“I only talked to him.” Nico glared at he, digging his fangs into his lip.

“And that shit stain was only a baby.”

He couldn’t listen to any more of it.

Nico trudged out of his bar to where the bodies lay rotting. Lingering on the knife in his gloved hands, the snake thought on the fool that had turned him into a worm.

Snarling, he threw the knife into the sea of blood, and banked on a miracle.

[goldenkamuyhunting]

Ramblings and crazy theory time about GK chap 191 “Water Of Home”

New (painful) chapter so new analysis.

A premise. I began writing this as soon as the raw were out but this chapter was pretty painful for me and this sort of influenced my first judgement so I went back and forth revising this a lot when I calmed down… so I hope it’ll make sense. Sorry if it doesn’t.

The cover shows Shiraishi burying Kiro under the ice, the others just watching him doing so. Well, maybe Asirpa is helping, I’m not sure.

Actually I don’t really see her doing something, she seems to just stand there. I really, really wish she would do something as Asirpa has always been a caring person and I know she cared about Kiro.

However, now that I finally calmed down for Kiro’s death, I get she had a terrible day and might be not up for much and she also might be copying with a light form of Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (she just learnt the people she trusted actually used her to shoot her father and Sugimoto, ended up almost killing someone and saw a person she used to love die… not an easy amount of things to put up with in insight) so, as sad as it is for Kiro, she’s probably being not her usual self and with good reasons.

Still… apart Shiraishi (and Asirpa who, as said before, is not up to much), no one among the people there is really caring about Kiro.

For Koito and Tsukishima he was just an enemy they just met and fought and who injured them seriously enough, especially Tsukishima. They didn’t care about him, they’re in no real shape to help burying him and anyway probably, for them, allowing him to be buried is the most I can expect.

But really…

I know Sugimoto wanted to kill Kiro for betraying him even if Kiro helped him through all the travel, even in Abashiri, when he helped him escape Nopperabo’s jail. I know Sugimoto doesn’t know Kiro didn’t want him shoot, just Wilk, and that he resents him for bringing Asirpa away… but really, the guy is dead and it’s not like he dragged away a kicking and screaming Asirpa or he mistreated her along the way.

I wish I could excuse Sugimoto by saying he was carrying Ogata and couldn’t have put him down on the cold ground or Ogata’s conditions might have worsened, because I understand prioritizing the living ones over the dead ones, but in this chapter itself we will be shown Sugimoto doesn’t care AT ALL about this.

So evidently he’s just still thinking Kiro needed to be murdered. I hope it’s at least his copying mechanism speaking up (in order to cope with killing and death Sugimoto tells himself his enemies aren’t human and don’t suffer when in pain) so that he can tell himself he doesn’t feel pain but still… it’s ugly.

The same goes for Tanigaki. Okay, so he was angry at Kiro for Inkarmat, but Kiro is also the one who saved his life and Inkarmat and the stabbing WAS AN INCIDENT, Kiro didn’t mean to stab her and would have wanted to help her and really, Shiraishi is the weakest in the group so Tanigaki you could help him.

Honestly boys, I’m disappointed.

You’re showing lack of respect for a fallen person, clinging to your petty grudges and conveniently forgetting the good this man did to you both.

Wanna see him as an enemy?

Fine but at least honour a fallen enemy who fought so hard he was impressive, not just stand there doing nothing.

Actually boys, you’re also leaving Shiraishi alone to mourn. Sugimoto, Shiraishi is your friend. If not for Kiro, you could show some sympathy for Shiraishi instead than leaving him alone to do all the work.

Shiraishi, who in this moment wins the prize as the sweetest guy ever, thinks that since the ice drift there is formed with water from the Amur river (the place from were Kiro came), when spring will come, Kiro will sink in the water that comes from his ‘home’ and be able to rest peacefully. I love how he thought about this, it shows he cared for this man. Shiraishi, who at the beginning of the story didn’t know how to care about people and would use the other convicts to escape and then leave them behind, had grown to form deep bonds with the people in the story and had grown to care for them.

We can see Shiraishi is clearly in pain… and he’s also the one who removes his glove and closes Kiro’s eyes, so as to let Kiro rest in peace. It’s a caring gesture.

A side of me is sad it’s not Asirpa doing it… but well, as said before she’s probably not in a great emotional shape. Even if she’s not physically hurt… she probably need to recover form the psychological wounds and maybe she’s just trying hard to distance herself from all this.

Sugimoto’s gaze is… just hard. He’s not even looking at Kiro but up.

Tanigaki, Tsukishima and Koito are clearly not going to cry for Kiro.

Yeah, to the four of them he was just an enemy they wanted to kill. I’m sad.

Yes, the piece is sad, it brought me to tears, Shiraishi’s words and acts are beautiful… but the sadness is all on Shiraishi’s shoulders and on the reader’s ability to either feel sorry for Kiro or at least to emphasize with Shiraishi who just lost a friend.

Actually the others just standing there, watching as if they were a curious bunch, I don’t know… at this point they could have left and let Shiraishi mourn on this own.

It’s a cruel moment.

Kiro gave his all and ultimately died for his cause and now, apart for Shiraishi and maybe Asirpa, he’s just circled by people who didn’t care for him at all. The unfairness of it is cruel, but I think this is the message. Kiro’s fight was, fundamentally, a lonely fight.

I don’t know, I’m just sad for him and angry, angry because I like the boys too and I was hoping they would behave better instead they’re just a big disappointment.

So really I didn’t expect Koito and Tsukishima to care, Kiro is a stranger to them and an enemy and I’m fine with this but… I expected a little more than just this from Tanigaki and Sugimoto. No, not tears and sobbing but… at least they could have helped burying Kiro. Or look a little sad. The man is dead. They had good moments with him. He wasn’t purely evil. Aren’t they sad things went out the wrong way? Besides Shiraishi IS mourning. They could… have showed a little empathy to him at least.

To be honest though… Shiraishi’s last words show how, although he cared for Kiro, he didn’t quite understand Kiro’s cause.

He thinks he was a man too serious for his own good. Shiraishi is in pain, he loved Kiro and wanted him to live and be his friend. He can’t understand why instead Kiro devoted all of himself to his own cause, did all he did for it and ultimately died. In Shiraishi’s case it’s not just racism speaking up, Shiraishi has just learnt to devote himself to his friends. He can’t understand Kiro devoting himself to a great cause like the minorities, giving his life for people he doesn’t even know.

I wonder if Shiraishi’s evolution is going to involve him growing to the point he’ll understand devoting for the others, not just his close friends but people in general. I wonder if, in a way, Kiro’s sacrifice will allow him to grow to become a person like Kiro, one who would care about people in need regardless of him knowing them.

And now… Asirpa.

Asirpa seems very sad for Kiroranke’s death, her nose is red and her mouth is close in a grimace.

She’s not quite crying though... although if I look at the image up close it seems her eyes are slightly wet. But maybe it's just me. Her main worry though is all for ‘why did my father have to die?’

When raw went out the thing left me a bit upside down.

I mean, discovering if her father had killed the Ainu had been her drama from the moment they had met Kiro and he told her about how her father was Nopperabo so it’s not a minor deal and we knew it from… well, really long ago and Kiro was someone she trusted and respected so it should have hurt a lot to discover he used her to get a chance to murder her father and, fundamentally, tricked her into coming with him. I understand she’s probably wondering if all Kiro said to her about her father were only lies, if Kiro was a man who didn’t deserve her respect at all.

Still, even Inkarmat told her about how her father was a partisan and the Russians had ‘wanted man’ posters with his face. A partisan at the time killed for his cause and he clearly killed the Russian emperor at least. Wilk murdered people, there’s no turning around this.

If her problem is ‘if her father had killed people or not’ yes, he did.

Is the problem ‘if he murdered THOSE AINU or not’?

(Note that I’m saying ‘those Ainu’ because Wilk might have murdered Ainu during his partisan fight, be it because, like his companion, they turned in a disability or betrayed him or were just casualties on the way so, unless Asirpa is in denial over the whole thing, Wilk might have murdered Ainu regardless of Wilk murdering ‘those Ainu’ or not.)

Anyway, from how Kiro acted there’s no turning around the fact Kiro believed Wilk was guilty of betraying their cause. Kiro was likely misguided, all right, he likely assumed Wilk to be guilty when the culprit was apparently someone else but… he was in good faith.

So it’s not like he could tell Asirpa her father was innocent… and Asirpa seems not to be even sure HE was the one behind Wilk’s death so…

But now (also thanks to a talk with @chibivesicle and the other guys at discord)… I think she is just upside down. She’s clinging to what motivated her to go through all that travel, discovering the truth about her father, so that she won’t have to look at what happened along the way. In short she’s trying to distance herself and, at the same time, to find a reason why she had to go through all this.

I think in a way she will soon discover the price for the truth is getting way too high that she had anticipated.

While focusing on the goal can help you to go on, if you lose sight of what happens along the way, of what gets sacrificed along the way, you lose sight of yourself.

In a way it’s like Nikaido’s quest for revenge, in which he loses a body part each time. Or Ogata’s quest for the gold, in which at a certain point the gold seemed to pointless he only wanted Asirpa to murder him. Or Sugimoto’s quest for the gold, in which for each person he murders he loses a bit of himself. Or Kiro’s quest too, who lead him to murder Wilk (who was probably innocent), leave behind his family (whom he loved) and to lie to Asirpa (whom he cared about).

A goal gives you the strength to go on, but you can’t lose sight of what’s going on around yourself or you’ll lose more than you are bargaining for. Honestly I’m worried for Asirpa.

Anyway here there’s a part I wish was handled differently.

As Asirpa expresses her wish to know the truth… the boys just tell her what they had learnt about her father but… it’s not a real talk about her father it’s just them telling her an one sentence info.

I mean, if this is Asirpa’s drama, the thing that’s tormenting her the most (and Sugimoto knows it is) I wish they had handled it with care.

They could have sat her down, explained it to her gently and in details.

Instead Tanigaki merely tells her how Inkarmat was told by Kiro about how Wilk changed...

...which obviously makes Asirpa think her father was killed because he killed the Ainu.

Thanks Tanigaki, you’re really being emotionally supportive in this one, of course you’re here because you cared for Asirpa…

I mean, this is clearly a rather painful thing for her to learn. I get you’re the sort that has no idea what tact is but… but all this seems to be a ‘get over it, Kiroranke said your father betrayed their comrades’.

Besides, really Tanigaki, considering how hung up you were on Ogata when he betrayed the 7th, you should have felt even more sympathy for Kiro and instead just because BY MISTAKE he stabbed Inkarmat you had to make him pay at any cost even if you knew Inkarmat was betraying you all by tattling things out to Tsurumi, using YOU as a mean. I get you love her and are angry she got hurt but really, the world doesn’t revolve around you.

I’m upset Tanigaki, I really, really though you’ll do better and instead you go back on making the same mistakes.

Anyway I’ve always found interesting how we don’t see Kiro’s face in that scene.

Sugimoto says instead that ‘Nopperabo’ told him he didn’t kill the Ainu.

Honestly I’m not so fond of how he calls Asirpa’s father ‘Nopperabo’… he knows he’s Asirpa’s father by now and the guy had a name, no sense in using a nick that was cruelly referring to how his face got destroyed… but what’s worse it is how he’s telling her this only now… and in such a way. He’s basically cutting the whole conversation to a ‘he said he didn’t kill the Ainu’. Wilk said other things, things that could make his sentence more believable and that his daughter might wish/need to know.

Instead, this is the end. He doesn’t even really encourages Asirpa to believe in what Wilk said, he just tells her this despite Asirpa looking rather down.

Unless the topic will be raised later, that’s all Asirpa will know from them.

And that’s why I facepalm.

Really Sugimoto, didn’t you say you had lot of things to tell Asirpa? That ‘lot of things’ feels rather small now… and why are you telling her this only now? Too caught up in your Kiro hunting? Wasn’t this the first thing to tell her?

‘Asirpa, breathe in relief, your father told me he’s not the one who killed the Ainu?’

Not ‘Asirpa you put up some weight’ or ‘let’s go hunt Kiroranke’, just tell her something that would reassure her fear, a fear you admitted terrorized her. Really, Sugimoto, I don’t know what you’re thinking but I’m angry. Show a little more consideration for Asirpa’s feelings.

Back to Asirpa, she seems sad and confused (and it's noteworthy how in all this discussion her face was ALWAYS slightly shadowed instead than in full light... a hint to how Asirpa is holding inside herself her dark thoughts?)...

...then it dawns on her that Sofia is missing even though she should be nearby.

I wonder if this too is Asirpa’s attempt to distance herself from the thing because… really… if Sofia were to know what had happened, would come there where she would be clearly outnumbered by the men who killed Kiro? She’s a clever leader, she wouldn’t do something so dumb.

Meanwhile Tsukishima, due to blood loss thanks to his wound which apparently never got treated as he was PRESSING HIS HAND AGAINST IT THE ENTIRE TIME, falls on one knee.

Koito goes ‘Tsukishimaa!! Are you all right?’ to which Tsukishima answers he is when he’s clearly not while Tanigaki checks his wound and realizes it’s an awful one.

Koito at this point would want to hurriedly go back to Akou and for Tanigaki to carry Tsukishima on his back.

I’m… angry at Koito honestly.

We’ll see his arm is bandaged, meaning someone took care of his wounds, be it Tsukishima or Tanigaki or Koito himself, but Koito knew Tsukishima was hurt and yet, although he cares for Tsukishima, he apparently didn’t give him basic medical aid back not even NOW when the situation calmed down. This is not lack of leadership abilities, this is not immaturity, this is dumb. He saw Tsukishima being hurt, he got so angry at Tsukishima being hurt, it’s not like he cares for Kiro so his death upset him so… WHY DIDN’T HE TAKE CARE OF TSUKISHIMA?

And mind you, I’m not just angry at Koito but also furious at Tanigaki. Tsukishima has all the right side of his neck covered in blood and was applying pressure to the wound with his hand so it’s clear he was hurt and Tanigaki… Tanigaki just stood there. Tanigaki had been in the war, he knows wounds better than Koito so while Koito might not realize how bad Tsukishima was hurt, Tanigaki should have gotten it… but he clearly cares about Tsukishima even less.

Oh, and obviously Sugimoto doesn’t give a damn about Tsukishima either, but okay, despite travelling together, they weren’t friends apparently.

(If someone is wondering why I’m not mentioning Shiraishi it’s because A – Shiraishi really doesn’t know Tsukishima and B – Shiraishi just lost a friend and is mourning so he’s the only one who actually had a good reason not to notice how badly Tsukishima was hurt.)

As for Asirpa… it’s interesting in the scene in which Koito says they need to hurry back to Akou we see Asirpa’s sweating face.

I think the idea is Asirpa doesn’t want to go back with those people.

She knows the code now, or at least has a hint to it, and she should have realized they’re men from the 7th, working for Tsurumi in hope to get the gold. I don’t think she wants to give them the code. I think in a ways she probably feels trapped and alone at the idea to go back.

Still… a side of me is worried, while Tsukishima is unable to stand, Asirpa, who previously was always noticeable for her caring soul, is now all worried for Sofia, who exchanged letters with Kiro so she might know everything and looks around searching for her. In short she’s distancing from the present situation, focusing again on the goal.

Honestly, I’m afraid for Asirpa. Copying methods are good only for a short time. If she let the worry about her deceased father being a murder or not ruling her life and ignoring all that’s happening around her… she might end up losing herself in the process.

Sure, we might think it’s great she’s not desperate… but actually traumas don’t go away just because you don’t look at them in the face. She lived a traumatic experience after another. The fact she looks good doesn’t necessarily mean she IS good.

Truly, I’m afraid for her. I’m afraid she’ll lose her caring soul in attempt to keep the pain at bay and will end up empty in the process. I’m afraid she’ll change for worse. Now that I’m calm I know she’s VERY LIKELY not meant to, but I’m afraid. Maybe I’m just paranoid.

And, on a sidenote, this annoys me further with the guys.

Whatever her father did, for whatever reason he died… that’s no responsibility of Asirpa whatsoever. She was 6/7 when the Ainu were killed. Clearly not an age in which she could realize what Wilk was up and, if needed, stop him.

The guys should realize this and TELL HER. Damn it boys, just tell her she shouldn’t feel accountable for whatever her father did. She can feel responsible just the same, because that would be the response of many people but, at least, she’ll feel reassured the world won’t think she’s to blame. But no, it’s much better to let Asirpa feel responsible. I’m annoyed and I want to smack them.

While Asirpa looks around, Sugimoto, using his binoculars, catches a glimpse of Svetlana and… Asirpa points to a direction, I don’t know if it’s the same, claiming there’s people over there and I praise her eyesight as I can’t see them in Noda’s drawing.

We won’t see Svetlana again so… really, why is she in this story?

I like to think Noda had a point to introduce her but so far I’m not seeing it.

Anyway, while Tanigaki is hopefully taking care of Tsukishima’s wound (I don’t know, really, bandaging it feels like it would be a good idea guys but who am I to speak?), Koito informs Asirpa (really Koito you should be confident about her name, you came all that way to search her, it wasn’t a holiday trip!), they came till there to secure her and how they’re in a deal with Sugimoto, who’s cooperating with them, them as in the 7th because remember? Sugimoto promised Tsurumi the code to Tsurumi in exchange for 200 yen as he’s totally in charge of the Ainu gold and can totally influence Asirpa to do what he says (yeah, I’m still angry for Sugimoto’s deal with Tsurumi too) so she shouldn’t leave the group without Koito’s permission.

Koito evidently feels he’s in charge since Tsukishima is out of commission.

On a sidenote not much time ago I pointed out to how Koito isn’t smooth at all. I don’t know if it’s due to the translation or not but I basically get the feeling he told her she’s almost their prisoner and he’s in charge of her and Sugimoto agreed to this as well. This isn’t going to make him win Asirpa’s trust.

Asirpa couldn’t care less about Koito’s words as she decides she’ll go check whatever she saw and Sugimoto decides he’ll go as well.

Now… maybe this could be educative for Koito as he might learn how annoying it was when he was the one leaving the group, and I get Asirpa might hope it’s Sofia and might be in a rush to check if it’s her as she wanted to see her, and she’s probably upset by how Koito talked with her and, well, she’s likely trying to distance herself from everything so Asirpa’s situation is complicate but… well, this is bad.

Koito told her something relevant actually, that Sugimoto made a deal with the 7th. Ironically, even if Sugimoto clearly doesn’t mean to betray Asirpa, he’s the one who sold Asirpa’s code to Tsurumi for 200 yen instead than for 30 pieces of silver.

I wonder if Asirpa will keep this in mind, if it’ll weight on her or… if she’ll let it slide because it’s Sugimoto.

On another side what I really hate of this is how they decided to make this an ‘humorous moment’.

The first part of why I don't like it is easy to explain. The scene makes very clear how Koito got zero respect from Asirpa (it's even written in a box if you had missed it!), which okay is true and remarks how he’s no leader but… had it been Tsukishima the one who spoke up, would they had cared and remained there?

I’m willing to bet they wouldn’t have so this basically destroy the point it’s just because it’s Koito telling them so.

Going on.

I said this could be an ‘educative moment’ for Koito and how Asirpa might have reasons for wanting to rush there but… overall she and Sugimoto seem two little kids rushing away. Yeah, them acting as such doesn’t excuse Koito when he acts as such (he has the rank and he’s in a military mission) and point out how they don’t feel bound to the 7th but still…

And here there’s something else I really hate of the whole scene.

In his rush to go check, Sugimoto drops Ogata and leaves him on the cold ground. The whole thing is clearly played for laugh, same as how they’re acting like little kids and not listening Koito but it’s actually bad for many reasons.

I’ll skip how I don’t like the joke of letting an injured person fall on the ground. Humour is also a matter of personal tastes and this is my problem alone and I’ll focus on plot related reasons.

First of all, as said before, if Sugimoto didn’t care about leaving Ogata on the ground, he could have just let him down before, to help Shiraishi bury Kiro. The fact he didn’t point out how he wanted no part in it. Evidently, even if he couldn’t kill Kiro, he was still pissed at Kiro even after the man died to the point he didn’t even consider helping Shiraishi burying him.

Second, we aren’t really in an ‘only gags’ story. They worried to cover Ogata up with hat and mittens, a hint cold would be bad for him, but now they’re okay with rudely dropping him on the cold ground and leaving him there until they’re back because it’s not like Koito, Tsukishima or Tanigaki or Shiraishi can carry him on their backs. They could have spared putting him hat and mittens at this point. We’ll see in a following image Ogata’s lips are in a bad shape same as when he got involved in the fight with Vasily. More cold won’t be healthy to him. Same goes for an abrupt fall.

Third. They decided to go hunt Kiro carrying Ogata along even though it was a bad choice because it was extremely unpractical and now realize they would do better leave him behind to go check what’s going on ‘there’? With three people who wouldn’t mind murdering him on the spot? Couldn’t they check with the binoculars and see if Sofia was there or not?

Forth. Honestly, Koito was right. Sugimoto, same as him, is sure he can face everyone but they shouldn’t have left the group. And what if Sofia was there? What’s the plan? Asirpa would ask Sofia to tell her the truth and Sofia would tattle out everything obediently AND GIVE UP ON THE GOLD? AND BE OKAY WITH HOW KIRO WAS KILLED? Or Sugimoto planned to force her to talk? Sofia? Honestly, I’m starting to think Asirpa decided not to leave Ogata behind solely because she wants to question him again.

Fifth. Tsukishima is hurt and in need of medical aid, Koito has realized it late but he has realized it and Ogata is hurt as well and in need of medical aid so that’s not a good moment to run away and cause the whole group to slow down.

Sixth… well, this is again personal so it’s okay if you feel different but I get this is an attempt to lighten the mood because we’ve had some serious chapters and maybe we need to have our mood lightened but… but Kiro died, Tsukishima is badly hurt and Ogata, who almost died, is now unconscious, and theoretically might not survive (I’m sure he’ll survive by the way but the group isn’t mean to know Ogata has plot armour at the moment). Maybe I’ve just a different sense of humour but I don’t need Sugimoto and Asirpa to play little kids in such a moment. Honestly, for me, it doesn’t work, it’s like the ‘golden shower’ of chap 188. It felt anticlimactic and reduced a lot the impact of the scene instead than lightening the mood. But well, others might enjoy this sort of things so this is mostly my problem.

Anyway, no, it’s not Sofia who they saw but Gansoku, busy enjoying being beaten by a pair of escape convicts because… more humour.

Gansoku is delighted he had found Sugimoto again and follows him… while Sugimoto is clearly not positively impressed by how Gansoku enjoyed when he’s beaten, which is again meant to be seen as fun.

In the end Gansoku ends up on carrying Tsukishima bridal style. Tsukishima doesn’t comment. I don’t know if it’s because he really doesn’t really seem in a good shape or because this too is supposed to be humorous. Tanigaki carries the backpacks.

Honestly, I hope this will have a point and won’t be only just an attempt to lighten the mood because really, I know Golden Kamuy isn’t written with me as the ideal reader in mind but… but I didn’t like this at all. -_-

Shiraishi, bless the man, saves the situation by saying farewell to Kiroranke. He seems still sad.

Sugimoto and Asirpa look back but say nothing.

Sugimoto, you... really, you... I hope you’re just copying. Asirpa, really, I’m worried about you. You’re keeping too many things bottled inside.

Anyway Sugimoto asks Asirpa if, once they’ve carried the others to Ankou they should go search for Sofia again and I wonder… are you plotting to betray Tsurumi already Sugimoto? Because I don’t think you’re meant to leave Tsukishima’s group with Asirpa and do as you prefer.

On a sidenote this is one of the few scenes in which we see Ogata’s face. Is it random or is it meant to mean something? I don’t know.

Is Ogata conscious? Hard to say.

Asirpa says it’s unnecessary as Sofia will find her.

Yeah, you can bet on this, she’ll come for Asirpa and Asirpa is a clever girl to realize it.

The sad part is I think it means Asirpa understood that Sofia needs her for the code. Everyone wants Asirpa for the code. In a way she should feel horribly alone and, I think, she doesn’t want to tell anyone she has remembered it. Or will she tattle it out to Sugimoto? We’ll see. At this point I don’t know what to think.

Before she had to rush see if it was her because… humour. Now she’s fine with waiting for Sofia to find her.

The scene switches and we see Sofia moving away the ice blocks from Kiro’s face. On top of Kiro’s ice burial we can see Kiro’s damaged knife (remember the Ainu’s tradition to damage the objects of the deceased?). I don’t know but watching again at Kiro’s dead face again, somehow break my heart all over again.

Maybe that’s because it’s Sofia who’s watching him, Sofia who cares about him and it’s painful to hear her giving him her farewell and telling him she won’t forget him. I think Kiro’s death hurt Sofia even more than Shiraishi.

Sofia slapped Kiro even though she knew Kiro too loved Wilk and did what he did because he believed it necessary and then… she let him go alone to search for Asirpa… and next she saw him, he was dead. I bet Sofia feels responsible and thinks if she had gone with him he might have been still alive. I wonder if she ever realized he loved her. I don’t know, I’ve so many feelings for this scene.

The background is soft, with all those bubbles of light it’s as if it was an almost magical/spiritual moment. As if Kiro’s soul was there to listen her.

It was painful to see Shiraishi bury Kiro with so much love despite everything, but seeing Sofia giving her goodbye to Kiro… it really breaks my heart.

Really, this is a beautiful scene, one that works and has a point instead of that ‘humorous one’ of moments ago.

The scene ends with the focus on Kiro’s knife, then we switch to Sugimoto who returns to Asirpa the knife she gave him when he went to talk with Nopperabo.

We actually don’t see what he gives her until later, when we’ll see an image of Asirpa standing with her knife latched to her side.

Anyway Asirpa seems touched and thanks him...

before she latches it again at her side while Sugimoto tells her they should go back to Hokkaido.

Asirpa’s image with her knife latched on her side covers most of the scene, behind her there’s Sugimoto, mostly covered by her but still visible. On his back but barely visible there’s Ogata. The positioning of the character is a little odd as Asirpa’s body is basically turned in the opposed direction of Sugimoto’s body and light is breaking down from the clouds and… I don’t know, it’s a little weird how this scene was drawn, putting emphasis on Asirpa’s standing figure with her knife on the side.

The scene switches and we move back to Hokkaido, at Noboribetsu hell valley hot spring.

We get some exposition about it but the only relevant part is that the 7th division go there to treat their wounds. So we see poor Nikaido sitting under a waterfall, looking as if he had apparently gotten better (the last we’ve seen of him he was desperate because Sugimoto had died and he had lost his hand and wanted to let himself die as he refused food).

Usami is with him and… he’s letting the water hit his groins. Is he doing it because he has some sort of masochistic tendencies or he got a groin wound? Or it’s just another attempt at humour?

Well, if it is, I don’t mind it. Mind you, it’s still not my kind of humour, but the situation is different and, along with the change of scene, I’m okay with Noda making jokes to lighten the situation.

They’re joined by the warrant officer Kikuta, who had a nasty scar on his chest, where his heart is… and also his forehead seems protruding a bit, although a little less than Ushiyama (and he’s also a... gifted man, sorry for cutting the lower part of the scene but I don’t want to fight with Tumblr censorship politics).

Long story short, this guy’s rank is above Tsukishima but below Koito so Usami goes all polite with him as he asks him how his wound is going. Usami has also his forehead shadowed and is sweating so I’ll assume he’s pretty nervous.

Kikuta asks Usami if they were sent there by Tsurumi who got worried about him. I think Kikuta might be ironic because Usami doesn’t reply hurries to go back to let water hit his groins (he had pulled himself up before).

That or there’s more we don’t know about, regarding this guy. While Usami seemed worried Nikaido seems to be comfortable around this guy.

Kikuta tells him how private first class Ariko told him a weird story regarding how he met a weird guy in an hot spring deeper in the mountains the pitch-black night before, one who was wearing geta and could escape even without using a lamp.

Of course our memory automatically goes back to Toni Anji, who was a blind bandit and therefore could do such things (even the text mentioning Tengu seems to be a call back to him), though I wonder if it could be actually another convict.

I mean, Toni didn’t really wear geta, they assumed he did but actually the sound was caused by him clicking his tongue. Did Ariko really saw the geta or only heard the sound and assumed those were geta?

We still miss 5 convicts so we need to meet another soon.

To have Toni Anji back, though would be good as well as it had been a while form the last time we saw him and it would be interesting if he were to be up on something, maybe hunting another convict since he wasn’t with Hijikata when the man went on hunting for Sekiya. I wonder if Kantarou is with him as well.

As for Kikuta… he’s apparently a member of the 7th and, I think, there could be more about him. Usami’s reaction to him was interesting, same as how Nikaido instead seems to be comfortable with him. And how did he got wounded?

Was he maybe among the men who tried to transfer the convicts? Was he wounded by Hijikata and left for death?

Or he got injured when they fought Tsuyama?

Or was he involved in the Abashiri attack?

Hard to say but I hope he and this first class Ariko whom he just mentioned will turn out into interesting characters.

Can they be more rebels maybe? That’s why Nikaido gets along well with him? Or there’s more?

Is he a close accomplice to Tsurumi, one who’s maybe into all the dirty jobs Tsurumi makes like killing Hanazawa?

Or does Tsurumi suspect him?

Well, for now we can only wait and see as the story shift from the ‘Russian invasion’ group to the 7th again.

Again sorry if this chap’s analysis did turn out poor. Really Kiro’s death is still weighting on me and somehow it didn’t help. Sorry about it.

Edit: In this chapter Kikuta and Ariko's names were spelled Kikuda and Arako. As I know know the correct spelling, I fixed it.

[anneapocalypse]

[RvB 17.11] Stagnation

FIRST Spoilers

In isolation, Carolina’s Labyrinth scene was not out of character or inconsistent or objectively bad; however, cumulatively it is emblematic of the stagnation in Carolina’s writing since season 13. It undeniably resonates with viewers—but I deeply dislike what it represents and I’m going to talk about why.

So to begin, and to try and give this episode a fair shake, here’s what was good about Carolina in the Labyrinth.

Jen Brown kills it as always. It is no mystery that this scene resonates with people. There is a lot of emotion in it and Jen is a fantastic voice actor who always digs deep and does the best possible work with what she is given. Better than what she is given, in many cases.

Carolina’s self-hatred is, I think, evident in her character as far back as season 10 if you look at all beneath the surface level. I’ve said before that her actions make a lot more sense when viewed through that lens than if you look at her as simply competitive, and at this point I don’t think that’s a particularly radical statement. That self-loathing is given a particularly raw and painful manifestation here.

Carolina’s encounter is also the most on-the-nose representation of what the Labyrinth actually does: it seizes upon a person’s most negative emotions and reflects them again and again, further distorting them each time, until its victim succumbs to despair. The explicit, stated function of the Labyrinth is to drive its victims to suicide, which is dark even for this show. But given that function, it makes sense that the Labyrinth would seize upon the root of Carolina’s most self-destructive impulses.

I would also like to propose a theory that probably wasn’t authorial intent but which I think makes this whole thing read… if not well, at least better. It is already obvious to fans of Carolina that the Labyrinth’s representation of Freelancer Carolina isn’t truly her, and does not accurately represent what she was like in Freelancer. Others have said as much. But I would argue that “present” Carolina isn’t truly herself here either, because she both is not how past Carolina describes her, and says things about her past self that are untrue. Neither of them are real. The real Carolina is an observer in this scene, as we are, and the Labyrinth is subjecting her to two distorted versions of herself, both of them speaking lies.

Like I said, this probably wasn’t the intent, but it’s the only way this scene even begins to work.

Which is a pretty good segue into how it doesn’t.

“I feel so much rage when I look at you,” Carolina says to her past self. “You know that? You prioritize yourself over everything. You’re going to get people killed. Heck, you’re going to kill people. And they won’t always deserve it. Dad won’t love you more if you keep winning. He can’t. He died when Mom died. And you’ll bury him. Your competitive streak stops. I’m demanding it.”

“Oh,” says past Carolina, “you’re done? Okay. You got pretty talkative! No need for the lecture. I can read your whole shitty life from your whiny tone of voice.”

“Oh, you think you’re so—”

“Directionless? Scared? No. No, actually I—” Past Carolina laughs viciously. “I feel great. Weird to hear all that from you, though. Let me unpack this. You’ve now tasted defeat, I’m assuming, and you were—aw, sad? For a while?” Her tone grows taunting. “And you want people around as crutches in case you trip again. When have I ever—think about it!—ever allied with someone I didn’t need? A friend in a high place. A bolt hole. A wing man. To forget how to utilize people is to forget yourself. Forget me. And frankly, that’d be damning enough, but you went further. Carolina, you stripped away what comes without thought. What’s instinctual. Your passion. What greater betrayal is there? You’re not you anymore.”

So let’s unpack this. First of all, how much of what the two Carolinas say is true?

It’s worth noting that it’s present Carolina who immediately goes on the offensive here, spitting venom at the image of her past self before that image has even spoken. And the things she says… “You’re going to get people killed. You’re going to kill people.”

So what is she talking about? Who did Carolina get killed by being competitive? Who did she kill?

If she’s talking about enemy targets that weren’t who she believed they were… I mean, yeah, they didn’t deserve it, but Carolina was acting as a soldier under orders and her being less competitive wouldn’t make those any less her orders.

Is she talking about the other Freelancers? Because… Carolina didn’t get them killed. North, South, York, Wyoming, Florida—none of them were killed by or because of Carolina’s competitiveness. The only one you could really ascribe to her actions is Maine, and there is a case to be made that Carolina gave up Sigma as much to prove she didn’t need an AI as to help Maine after his injury—but that act was based on such incomplete knowledge that to call it a direct result of Carolina’s competitiveness is a stretch. Furthermore, this argument always seems to ignore the fact that if Maine hadn’t gotten Sigma, someone else would have, and while we don’t know how Sigma might have behaved with a different host, it’s hard to imagine it ending without casualties regardless.

Are we talking about Biff? Because… we’ve been over this, but Carolina didn’t kill Biff, and Biff also didn’t die because Carolina was competitive. Biff’s death was an accident; even Tex, who threw the flagpole Carolina deflected, wasn’t intentionally aiming at Biff, though it does seem like she (or someone else inside that helmet, more likely) must have realized she was throwing it with lethal force. Had Carolina been less determined to win that particular match, there’s no reason to assume Tex (and Omega) would’ve dialed back their own aggression.

We also have evidence from other bits of canon that sim trooper deaths during training exercises were disturbingly common within Project Freelancer—a fact not one of the agents, not even Good Guy Do the Right Thing York, are ever shown objecting to.

Let’s look at what past!Carolina says about herself. 

“When have I ever—think about it!—ever allied with someone I didn’t need?”

CT.

CT.

You know, that person everyone forgets about when they’re trying to make a case for Carolina being purely self-serving.

I wrote about this one a long time, ago, but for a refresher: the first time we ever see Carolina question the Director’s orders is when he says that CT is an “acceptable loss.” Carolina embarks on that mission with full intent to disregard that order and try to bring CT in alive, despite that fact that doing so will be far more difficult and offers her no personal gain whatsoever and in fact results in her failing the mission. And while Carolina’s motives in the briefing with the Director may be subtle, her intent on the mission itself is not. The first thing she does upon catching up to Tex is to remind her that they only need the armor. And when she tries to pull Tex back from the killing blow, she explicitly, verbally, objects to Tex killing CT, and even knowing that they have failed the mission and that she will take the blame, Carolina still chastises Tex for what she’s done. This is not just subtext. This is text.

And this is not the only instance of Carolina caring about her teammates. The haste with which she calls for medics when York is injured in training, the offer on the Sarcophagus mission to come to Team B’s aid instead of going after their objective, the “No!” she screams out when Maine gets shot—none of these are the behaviors of a person who is only out for herself at everyone else’s expense.

Freelancer Carolina is not characterized as a ruthless lone wolf who disregards her teammates except when they can benefit her. Not matter how much certain corners of the fandom prefer to read her that way.

But all right. It’s the Labyrinth. It’s a distortion. It’s not supposed to be real. It’s amplifying Carolina’s worst feelings about herself.

Still, that distortion is meant to be reflective of something real. It certainly seems to be so for other characters.

So which of the above would Carolina likely blame herself for?

Well… we actually have canon on how Carolina feels about most of the above.

In season 13, Carolina apologizes to Sharkface for what she and her team did to his squad. “I’m sorry,” she says. “We were on one side of the fight, and you were on the other. We thought we were the good guys. I’m sorry.”

Let’s unpack that for a hot second. In this short line, Carolina:

expresses genuine remorse for what she took part in.

acknowledges that she acted on false information, and by extension, that not everything was her fault.

Season 13 Carolina knew that not everything was her fault.

Let’s go back even further.

In present day season 10, Carolina has a couple of vulnerable moments in which she states her motivations outright. And a large source of that motivation for getting revenge on the Director is the suffering and death of her teammates. She tells Epsilon:

Church, the Director's still out there somewhere. And I need to find him. Not just for what he did to me, but for what he did to York, and to Wash, to Maine, the twins, to all of them.

Even earlier in season 10, when Carolina stands with Wash inside the wind power facility, she says, “Poor Maine,” expressing sorrow over what happened to her teammate. When Wash says, “Carolina, it wasn’t your fault,” she says, “But it was my AI.” There is regret here, obviously, and I think in that statement in particular is no small trace of survivor’s guilt. Carolina knows full well that had she not given Sigma to Maine, the Meta might well have been her.

But that’s not all she says. She goes on voice her suspicions that the Director, at the very least, could have been aware of the dangers of the implantations. That he acted recklessly in his “little experiments.” She places that blame where it’s due.

My point is that even as far back as season 10, Carolina is capable of identifying culpability that was not her own, without outright denying or handwaving her part in it. There’s a balance in what she says there, when she talks about Freelancer. She blames the Director for his part in it, while also feeling the weight of her own involvement.

As for Biff… we can’t know how Carolina feels about that now, because Joe decided it wasn’t important for her to be told onscreen why Temple hated her, so we didn’t get to see a reaction. But we already have a part of Carolina’s arc in which she comes to see sim troopers as people, as friends, and then as family, and based on how she speaks of other parts of her past, it’s hard to imagine she would brush it off.

But Biff’s death is also a part of this arc, and Carolina’s part in the plot of season 15 sets a precedent for how she will be treated for the rest of this storyline.

What about that final accusation: "You're not you anymore."

Is this a real fear that Carolina has in the present? I mean, it could be, but it's not something she's expressed since, arguably, season 13, and even then, Carolina's fear that letting her guard down will get everyone she loves killed doesn't really resemble past Carolina's claim that she's lost the self-serving passion that made her who she was. This doesn’t reflect an expressed fear relevant to any of Carolina’s recent conflicts.

If it reflects something real, it's news to us.

I can accept that the Labyrinth is meant to take the worst things Carolina thinks about herself in her worst and darkest moments and amplify and distort them beyond even that. I’m personally not a fan of plot devices that allow writers to kind of throw characterization at the wall and then say it was bad on purpose. But okay, given the mechanics of this plot device as it’s been established—fine. It’s supposed to be over the top.

All right.

But what I just described isn’t character development.

It’s just putting the characters through an Angst Machine. You notice we’ve had a lot of that lately?

Let’s go back to Chorus again. Let’s look at the plot device this one is ripping off the True Warrior test. Still not my favorite McGuffin ever, but at least the portal on Chorus showed the characters something real. And for multiple characters, including Carolina and also Locus, what they saw in the portal drove some kind of character growth for them.

Because it was, on some level, real.

What is there for Carolina to learn from this experience that she hasn’t learned already—in past seasons and previous arcs which both Joe and Jason seem determined to ignore?

Carolina’s character development since season 13 has stagnated.

In the same way that this arc overall has resorted to recycling character and story beats from past seasons, Carolina’s writing in particular has sunk into a rut.

Season 13 gave Carolina a meaningful mini-arc in which her past came back to haunt her in the form of Sharkface, and collided with her fears of failure and loss in the present. This drove real growth and meaningful change for Carolina as she struggled to avoid falling back to old habits while also giving her all to protect her new family.

Most importantly, season 13 had Carolina engaging with her past in a nuanced manner. Carolina in 13 was able to separate regret from responsibility. Her apology to Sharkface was not self-flagellation. It was real, meaningful, and necessary. It was not Carolina taking on the blame for things she didn’t do.

In recent seasons, however, Carolina's only real plot involvement hinges on the writers beating her guilt like a dead horse and making up new things she did wrong.

Where Sharkface and the death of his squad were drawn from events we saw happen, Biff’s death (already a retread of Sharkface) was invented and inserted into past canon, and showed us a Carolina whose aggression and callousness felt out of place even for her Freelancer self. Carolina never heard Temple’s grievances onscreen and was never allowed to respond to them, so she wasn’t allowed any growth of her own from the experience of being put through the Angst Machine with Wash.

Season 16 invents yet another sin for Carolina: keeping Wash’s memory lapses a secret, because for some reason Dr. Grey doesn’t think it’s important to keep her patients informed personally and instead puts that responsibility on their friends. This of course blows up in Carolina’s face at the worst possible moment, forcing conflict between her and Wash and driving Carolina to make yet another mistake: the decision to time travel to save Wash, the catalyst for season 17.

This season has done some pretty decent damage control in that it has repaired Carolina and Wash’s relationship. Yet it’s still not allowing Carolina to move on from Freelancer. If we had to have a plot device that amplifies negative emotions, why not use Carolina’s more recent struggles, like the way her overprotectiveness and difficulty opening up even with people she loves led to her unintentionally hurting Wash?

There were warning signs, unfortunately. Wash’s time travel to the Freelancer era showed Carolina straight up refusing to speak to him, which… really isn’t something we ever saw Carolina do to her teammates in Freelancer. But despite Wash’s sympathy to Carolina in the present, Jason seems intent on driving home the point that she was unambiguously “mean” in the past. So I guess it’s no surprise that now we get to watch her feel bad about it some more.

In season 13, Carolina called the Reds and Blues her family, and expressed that she would do whatever it took to protect them.

In season 15, Carolina said she wondered if she’d missed her one chance at a fresh start, completely ignoring the fact that she’d already had one several seasons ago.

In past seasons, Carolina’s regrets led to her growing and changing. Now, recent seasons have reduced those regrets to static traits that never change. She was mean in the past (because with few exceptions, “ambitious woman who’s good at her job” is synonymous with “bitch” in RvB), and she’s going to feel bad about it forever. That’s it. That’s her character now. Past growth is discarded and ignored. We’ll continue to hammer on her past wrongs and her regret every single season, but she’s never going to be allowed to move on.

It's bad character writing. Yes, even if the plot provides a mechanic for it.

I’ve said this before, but Joe and Jason are not writing character arcs. They are simply remixing old character beats for Feels and then resetting the characters to status quo. We’ve seen it with Grif, and the same thing is happening with Carolina.

And furthermore, it really feels like a lot of these writing decisions stem from a very shallow impression of “what the fans like.” Fans like Wash angst, so hurt Wash for no reason. Fans didn’t like it when Wash and Carolina were close, so force some conflict, and when they make up be sure to inject a line about how they’re like siblings. Fans didn’t like Tucker being torn down in favor of Grif, so that must mean fans don’t like it when we pay attention to Grif.

Fans liked it when Carolina apologized and was emotional, so that means Carolina should always be feeling bad about something, all the time, regardless of context.

I don’t want or need Carolina to be in the spotlight. Like Wash, I feel at this point that she’s spent a good amount of time there, and it’s perfectly fine and good to let someone else have a turn. I’d be quite happy to see her just be one of the team—taking part in the story, but in a supporting role. She doesn’t need a dramatic new character arc. She just needs her past growth to be acknowledged. To matter in the present.

But to these writers, it doesn’t, because to them, characters don’t change.

This scene was undeniably emotional. But it is not growth. It is not, in this context, even particularly meaningful.

It’s just putting a character through the soulless gears of the Angst Machine.

It’s stagnation.

And if this is how Carolina is going to be written from now on, it just might be what makes me walk away for good.

[travllingbunny]

The 100 rewatch: 2x12 Rubicon

This is a pivotal episode of season 2, in some ways the show as a whole, because it marks the beginning of the gradual destruction of Clarke Griffin’s moral certainty. She has been forced to make tough decisions, but up to this point, she had not crossed the line and done things that felt really morally wrong, such as sacrificing a number of innocent lives. But this show isn’t willing to spare its protagonist and give her easy ways out, and puts her in situations where she is faced with impossibly difficult choices, where she eventually starts doing things that chip away at her soul and make her more and more damaged. This is basically her arc in season 2, in particular. A reference to “crossing the Rubicon”, a fateful decision, feels appropriate: Clarke gets to choose between sticking to her old moral views, and doing everything to save those she cares about, and it’s the same choice she’ll keep on making.

Meanwhile, the Delinquents trapped in Mount Weather make a big decision of their own, to fight back against their captors/killers.

And in the Jaha/Murphy storyline, the B storyline of season 2, which continues separate from the main storyline until season 3, one of my favorite characters is introduced.

Rating: 9.5/10

I’ve always liked Emori. She’s a great example of a good female anti-hero, especially one that eventually gets real character development – something that the show has tried and failed to do with some other characters. It’s also nice to have such a character not be a stereotypical “badass chick with a sword who’s strong because she can fight the best”, but a manipulative, roguish thief (though there have been popular female characters like that in various shows from Star Trek: TNG to Firefly, it’s not so overused, especially recently, as the latter trope is, and Emori has more depth than those characters did). She’s also one of the show’s two major characters with disabilities, but hers was congenital rather than something that happened to her as an adult, as with Raven.  

I love the fact that the show didn’t go with the standard “bad man gets redeemed through the love of a good woman” arc for Murphy, but instead, had him change through love for a not-so-good woman. At first, it seemed it would go the former way, when Emori introduced herself as a damsel in distress and a sweet girl with a sad past, before putting a knife under Murphy’s throat and robbing the party, though she did help them reach their destination by whispering to him that they should go north. Which fits into this show’s tendency to create romance from negative interactions, but in comparison with some others, this one is not so bad.

It makes sense that this is who Murphy would fall for – someone who is a ruthless survivor and an outcast, more than he is. Or rather: Murphy, who likes to think of himself as the ultimate survivor, had a tragic childhood – like many on the Ark – but had an opportunity to be a part of a community with the Delinquents in season 1, and blew that chance – twice - due to his own negativity, tendency to antagonize people, and obsession with holding grudges and revenge. But Emori was an outcast since birth, due to her disability, which made her, in the harsh Grounder culture, a ‘freak’ that needs to be eradicated from the bloodline, as we learned earlier in the season. She’s known no protection or belonging, other to the criminal duo of herself and her brother. This is a difference that will matter in season 5: when she finally was given a chance to be accepted and valued as a part of a group, Emori was glad to accept it and learn, and she didn’t have the same insecurities that Murphy has, which made her more integrated into the group than he is able to be, because his issues are internal.

Murphy is at this point the character who gets the best lines (“Touch me and I’ll end you…In a non-violent way” - “Faith? No. I just got nothing better to do”), but he still has a long way to go until he gets actual redemption, because he’s still trying to justify his actions. (“I killed two people and tried to kill two more… I had my reasons, but nobody cared.” – Yeah, dude, everyone has reasons for what they do. Doesn’t mean they’re good.)

One of the things that struck me about season 2, and particularly in this episode, is the amazing cinematography with different color schemes: the desert scenes with Jaha, Murphy and the rest are full of a bright, blinding yellow, as opposed to the muted blue of the Quarantine and the vents in Mount Weather, while the other scenes have normal color balance and brighter colors.

In Mount Weather, the Mountain Men have started to drill and kill the kids. Cage and Emerson were apparently among the first to get treatments and be able to can walk outside, as did some other soldiers, like Whitman, the guy who performed the bombing of Tondc by navigating the missile and then picking up the survivors with a sniper in the following episode. It makes sense that guys who usually go outside on missions would be the first to get bone marrow treatments, while Cage took be the first or one of the first, and also forced one on his father. Dr. Tsing, unfortunately to herself, didn’t give herself one yet, probably thinking she had time, which had consequences in this same episode.

Bellamy meanwhile continues his mission by deciding to ask help from Dante, and manages to get it, though he wisely didn’t trust Dante enough to tell him who was helping him. He’s managed to get Jasper a gun, which allows Jasper to fight back, shoot a guard and save Monty again from being taken. Jasper has become sort of a leader of the Delinquents in their rebellion, thanks to his courage and determination to protect his friends, especially his best friend. Then other Delinquents start fighting with whatever they can to defend Jasper from being taken, before Bellamy irradiates Level 5, killing the present guards and Tsing. Tsing almost saves herself, by getting into another room, but Jasper stops her  from closing the door and lets her die of burns in front of him. It’s interesting that Jasper, when he shot the guard, looked like he was surprised by himself, even though he’s shot people before (Grounders on the bridge in S1) and that he was technically the one who killed about 300 Grounders with the ring of fire in the season 1 finale, but he hadn’t participated in close range fighting like that before or killed someone he could see. But just a few moments later, he was clearly enjoying his revenge over Tsing, sarcastically repeating her line “I want you to know you’re incredibly special to us”. Which I can’t hold against him, Tsing was terrible and I doubt there was anyone who didn’t enjoy her death.

But the most important parts of the episode are about Clarke. She and Raven are both on the edge, just as in the previous episode, and arguing a lot, waiting for another one of Bellamy’s regular calls. Any time he’s late with calling, they cannot be sure if he is still alive. The Clarke/Bellamy talk starts with a rare funny moment where the two of them sound like a married couple bickering (“You’re late!” – “Are you through?”), but things get serious very quick, as they learn from listening in to the Mountain Men channel both that the Delinquents are being drilled, and that the Mountain Men are about to bomb Tondc, where leaders of all the Grounder clans and Arkers are about to meet.

Clarke lies to Bellamy that Octavia is not in Tondc, in order not to distract him, but Raven later lets it slip in another talk with him that she is - something that will come during their confrontation in 3x05, when Bellamy will accuse her, among other things, of letting a bomb drop on his sister.

Now, the question is, what exactly was going through Clarke’s subconscious when she left to get to Tondc as soon as possible, and then went immediately to talk to Lexa. She certainly thought she should warn everyone and argued it to Lexa, and was shocked when Lexa, apparently cold as ice, started convincing her that they should leave and save themselves without telling anyone. But Lexa managed to convince her quickly by arguing that alerting people would blow Bellamy’s cover in Mount Weather, and ruin the entire mission and lose them the war – and telling her that she must have known that herself deep inside, or else she would have warned people immediately. Clarke seemed struck by the realization that she really must have felt that way – which may be why she later didn’t try to defend herself when Abby called her out on her actions (“You crossed the line”) and took responsibility, when Abby asked her to tell her it was all Lexa’s decision.

While trying to convince the insecure and confused Clarke, Lexa used the phrase “It’s our only choice”, which will pop up a few more times during the show. She also praised Clarke’s “strength”, telling her “You showed real strength today, don’t let emotions stop you now”. But I don’t think that’s really what happened, at all. The decision to let the bomb drop on all these people was a cold, rational one for Lexa, the kind she thought good leaders should make and that would help her win the war (and maybe also help her politically, by killing some other Grounder leaders), but for Clarke, it was all about protecting Bellamy and the Delinquents trapped in Mount Weather. Clarke started off with a strong belief in the value of human lives in general, she cares about everyone, and she tries to save everyone – but it’s hard not to prioritize the lives of people you care about over the lives of stranger. It’s a common, human thing to do– it’s hard to be perfectly impartially ethical, if your loved ones are at risk. And Clarke has been acting extremely worried, impulsive and driven by emotion – it was really obvious. I find it hard to believe that Lexa, who is very perceptive, didn’t notice that, so that line sounded like manipulation. It was as if she was validating Clarke’s choice by telling her it’s a sign she’s strong and a good leader, rather than panicking and struggling to protect her loved ones. And Clarke later makes the same choice when she is about to try to kill Whitman, but then gets distracted by seeing Abby, and gets focused on saving her mother instead, losing her the chance to stop the missile. (But in all the chaos, she forgot about Octavia… oops. Which both Octavia and Bellamy will hold against her. It’s not that Clarke doesn’t care about Octavia, but the fact is that she is not as important to her as Abby or Bellamy are.)

But either way, whether Lexa was manipulative or just imparting her views, and whether Clarke was already subconsciously feeling she would have to make that choice, this is where it became clear that, while Clarke may be able to have good influence in Lexa, Lexa’s influence and her advice certainly doesn’t bring out the best in Clarke. I think that their dynamic was very interesting, and very well-written in season 2, because Lexa was a “Shadow” character for Clarke - at the same time that Clarke found herself in the position of de facto sole leader of her people, and had to make tougher and more ruthless decisions, she met Lexa, the embodiment of darker traits of her character, upped to 11: as a young ruler who came to power as a child, she is both enormously privileged and has had a huge burden of responsibility, which made her isolated and emotionally repressed, and she believes in unquestioned, tyrannical rule, ruthlessness and treating people as expendable, if needed for the “big picture” (because this is what Grounder culture values and what Lexa has been taught to be like). Clarke is not quite like that, but she could be like that, and starts becoming more like it.

The difference is that Clarke is constantly questioning herself and always feels guilty over everything bad she does, while Lexa seems to have convinced herself that her actions are right and necessary and what a good leader should be, so she is not showing any remorse or doubt.

And this is why I knew after this episode that Lexa is never going to be one of my favorite characters. I kind of have a thing against leaders who let bombs drop on their own people when they could have saved them, and think it’s a great opportunity to use casualties for propaganda purposes, asking for revenge -something that Lexa actually argues in her conversation with Clarke. (It also has some unpleasant real world associations for me, which puts me off even more.) But I can forgive characters a lot when they show genuine remorse, so I still love Clarke, who didn’t make her decision in cold blood, and who is obviously deeply tormented and ashamed of what she has done.

The only part of this episode I’m not that keen on – which is why it doesn’t get a perfect 10 – is the resolution of Lincoln’s drug addiction storyline, because it’s a bit too easy and unrealistic. One moment, Lincoln, having relapsed, is again serving the Mountain Man like a Reaper and knocking out a Grounder to bring him to Mount Weather to get more of the “red” drug. The next, it’s enough for Octavia to punch him and basically tell him to man up (“Grounders don’t give up, we fight” – again with the whole “I am a Grounder” thing, which makes no sense) for him to be cured of his addiction? I don’t think that’s how it works.

Background info: Apparently, Mount Weather didn’t have to use missiles that often, because the last time they did it was before Lexa’s birth – over 20 years ago. It’s safe to say that they didn’t feel threatened by any armies the Grounders could have formed during that time.

Timeline: This episode starts 6 hours after the end of 2x11, and 2 days since 2x10 (that is long it’s been since Jaha left the camp, taking 12 people and 12 guns)

Body count: More people died in this episode than in any other one in season 2. (Unless we count off-screen deaths of Arkers from various stations that either died in the crash of the Ark, or were killed, including the deaths of people from the farm station killed by the Ice Nation – but we don’t even learn about the latter until season 3.)

3 Delinquents, killed and drilled for their bone marrow by Dr. Tsing, Cage and other Mountain Men. None of them were characters we knew by name, so the emotional effect was small. 48 Delinquents still survive (45 in Mount Weather + Clarke, Octavia and Murphy);

15 Mountain Men (though Cage said 11) –Tsing and 14 guards – from radiation poisoning on level 5, after Bellamy irradiated it (unless the guard Jasper shot was already dead before Level 5 was irradiated), but Jasper also caused Tsing’s death by not letting her close the door. This means they are 365 Mountain Men still alive.

About 250 people (we find that out in 2x14) – Grounders and Arkers – in Tondcc, from the missile strike, killed by the Mountain Men: specifically Cage, Emerson and Whitman, but Lexa and Clarke are indirectly responsible for letting it happen. No info on how many of the leaders of the 12 Grounder clans were killed, but Luna and Queen Nia obviously survived, though we don’t see them in 2x13, so it’s not clear if they were even there, or sent someone else on their behalf (or if Luna even responded to the invitation).

[colddisobedience-blog]

@archcr | continued

HE PAUSES. A MINUTE MAYBE, whatever time it’s appropriate to just stand around, blinking like the dumbest owl on the planet, and trying to figure out whatever the hell his life had come to. big, steaming pile of shit that has started with the appearance of one James Buchanan Barnes (the fuck kind of name is that anyways?) and from then on out has turned into a rollercoaster ride of blatant confusion and weird sexual energy that, frankly, worries Clint occasionally. none of this is normal. this? here? not normal. standing on a roof with a guy holding a sniper rifle pointed at someone else’s head? not normal.

and yet the idiot with the bow and his dumbass brain have decided on other priorites.

not the fact that Bucky is about to take another man out cold, and Clint perhaps has a pretty strict ‘no killing’ policy he’s usually all too happy to rub under Barnes’ nose. no, that’d be too obvious. also not the fact that he’s up here WITH him, witnessing whatever kind of murder that one-armed shithead has cooked up in that deranged head of his. nope, not the thing to focus on either. instead, Clint’s gaze wanders from Barnes, down his own body, back to Barnes, back to himself.

“you just pointed to ALL of me.”

Bucky’d love to stop thinking about it. He would absolutely love to wake up and not have to think about how he’s workin’ with Clint Barton and then spend the next ten minutes in a pep talk with himself over the fact that they will not get distracted. Don’ get him wrong he’s kinda glad the animosity is gone, the constant want to rip the guys hair out was exhausting and knowing it just came from her didn’ help the want to continue it. 

The issue was, as he shifts to adjust, turning his body slightly away from Clint like that’ll keep him out of his line of sight for a change, Heightened senses, another reason to be vehminantly annoyed at the serum in his fuckin’ body. But the issue was that with no more need ta hate the guy and actually kind of likin’ the guy came the fact that he was apparently attracted to him. 

It’s a joke by the universe Bucky’s sure of it an’ he’s also sure it’s not mutual which just makes it all the more frustrating that Clint for some ungodly reason feels the need to parade around with next to nothin’ on like he’s not entirely human and need actual body armor instead of his arms on show an’ his pants so tight he can- 

The kick back of the rifle barely has him blinkin’ and Bucky watches the body drop, turning sight for a moment to Steve an’ Sam slinkin’ in around back. Hydra complex, his only rule on bein’ willing to help is that any agent dies. Call it karma, or justice, or jus’ good old revenge he doesn’t care.

“Oh good your eyes still work, yes all of you, stop fuckin’ moving or I’ll shoot you instead.” 

Another shot and Bucky pulls back a little to reload, pullin’ with a feral sort of delight on the metal. He’d apologise later ‘cause right now it’s a good distraction. Clint lookin’ at him like a lost puppy - he can feel it - an’ goddamn it is he not cold? Seriously why doesn’t he wear sleeves. 

“I know you love showin’ off your biceps but...” It’s a testament to self control he doesn’ accidentally shoot Rogers when he fires again and glares at Clint over his shoulder. “You should be wearin’ a jacket, you know you’re human right? Colds are a thing.” 

[theonceoverthinker]

OUAT 4X04 - The Apprentice

Apprentice? More like Apprent-ICE, am I right?!

...Yeah, that’s all I got. Unfortunately, be warned because it’s not a fun time here today, so strap yourself in and join me under the cut.

Main Takeaways

Past

Gotta say, I love how the writers had the balls to say that the reason Anna and Elsa’s parents went away was to find a more permanent solution for Elsa. Was it the right thing to do? Whether you think it was or not, just the fact that they implied that was heavy.

I love that scream when Rumple gets his dagger back. Seeing how much he hates it is so effective and had he not been the undeniable villain of the episode and more specifically the segment, it might have done more to reapply sympathy to him and allow for a really effective display about why being cleaved of the dagger means so much to Rumple.

So, as a warning, I get pretty angry at the present segment of this episode and to remember that this segment of it exists was like a breath of fresh air. Anna and Rumple have consistent characterization and even throughout all of the twists and turns of this episode, those characterizations are never lost. Because of that, the story is far more powerful in delivering something cohesive and entertaining. Sometimes, for as simple as a story is, that’s what makes it something truly good. The latte segment tries to be all over the place and as I’ll go over shortly, fails so hard because of it.

Present

This episode...was never one I liked. For a while, I found it simply difficult to watch because well...I like Killian. Like with seeing his lips cursed in the last season or seeing Henry turn against Emma in the one before, it’s an action that made complete sense to me from a narrative perspective, but is nonetheless hard to watch and for some reason, this one is harder for me to watch than either of the others.

And after rewatching it, I kind of understand why.

It’s good in terms of being a morality play of sorts. Killian not being honest with Belle about Rumple’s secret is a horrible thing to do and the punishment, while brutal, does make sense given his crimes. Rumple’s manipulation and reverse psychology is so cutting to watch play out. While Killian is trying to improve, obviously, there are cracks to his still developing sense of heroism and Rumple knows how to exploit that into getting a lackey and making Killian pay. It’s a lot harder to enjoy since Rumple’s the villain of the episode, but I also understand that that’s a personally hard point.

That ALSO having been said, Killian’s near snapping points kind of suck. In the case of the first instance, it’s really fucking stupid for him to be so pissed at someone who simply tripped and caused some drink to fall on Emma’s dress. I don’t care what kind of psychology Gold played on him, it’s still really dumb. Now on some level, I get that given the “rings” speech Killian gives in Season 5 (Assuming that he came upon those rings before his encounter with Rumple, and at least one of them came afterwards) and that the move was clearly more subconscious than anything in how it was shot and how Colin played it, this is more up old Killian’s alley, but just...for all of Killian’s confidence, this is such a petty thing to make it falter and it stretches my suspension of disbelief just a smidge too much. The way that it’s played doesn’t help. It drags the date down in a really awkwardly written way where Killian is both enjoying himself and kind of can’t because of the hand. And in the second instance, the moment goes by so quick and is given such little focus that it’s just not as effective as the former point. I found both instances to be so utterly weak.

And how Killian goes after The Apprentice with barely a moment’s hesitation because of such small incidents isn’t really that well written to me. Like, what’s worse: Punching someone or allowing your arch enemy to have his fucking way with a man who very likely doesn’t deserve it? It doesn’t paint Killian in the way that the episode is trying to. The episode is trying to show that Killian is a good person with inner demons that hadn’t finished coming out, but that he wants to stop. But instead, Killian’s getting scared over basically nothing in terms of this series and rather than look for any other solution, opts to help Rumple do Merlin knows! And Killian does NOTHING as it happens! I thought I remembered an apology, but there isn’t one! He just stands there, makes no attempt to even subconsciously stop the hat, and it really grinds the wrong way against all the goodwill he’s accumulated.

The ONLY action of his that was bad, but I at least get the nucleus of is when he threatens Belle. He was angry at Rumple and was trying to irk him (Also, it might have been just metaphorically given the news he had). And when that’s all the segment can provide for me, then that’s just sad.

What’s more: For all the bravado made at the end of the episode for how much Killian will owe Rumple for this, Killian breaks four episodes later the MICROSECOND Emma’s threatened. And the time in between simply has Killian out of focus for the most part in regards to this dynamic! Look, I’m normally one of OUAT’s more defensive fans, but this legitimately, given all the characterization that was picked up only to be abandoned after this episode, must conclude that this episode was only meant to move the plot along by trapping the Apprentice, but unlike other episodes, I mean that in the worst way BECAUSE it tries for so much else only to abandon it afterwards.

And here’s the thing: If they were aiming to make Killian a villain protagonist in this episode, someone who we thought was good but was actually bad, I wouldn’t be complaining. I wouldn’t like it from an emotional standpoint because I don’t like Killian being hurt, but I do understand that Killian’s a character capable of great evil and an episode delving into that would’ve been great (That’s why I like the twist in “A Murder Most Foul” so much). But Killian is clearly, despite receiving Emma’s forgiveness, disturbed by the danger his possessed hand poses and that’s a good thing in both the audience’s perception and in the episode’s framing. Him wanting to get rid of that hand for that reason is a good thing. It’s not like he hurt David or Emma or someone else he cared about -- he hurt an asshole thief (As far as he knew) and was still freaked out enough to make a deal to get rid of the hand. And because of that, the framing is all over the place and seemingly can’t make up its mind about what it thinks of Killian here. And works akin to that can work -- my favorite musical is Hamilton and that show is as scathing as it is praising at times, but Alexander himself is a consistent character. Killian in this episode is about as consistent as curds and whey and it sucks. This came after one of the best Golden Hook scenes EVER. How did they fuck that up in such a way?!

I like how Emma shows real strides in taking the advice given to her about not letting another crisis stop her from living her life. She actually makes the choice to not only go out on a date, but to not chase a thief. She’s prioritizing the important things and living and that’s solid development.

There is literally no point to Henry working at Rumple’s shop. Nothing comes of this and that’s a shame! It contributes nothing to Operation Mongoose, derails this already derailed episode even more with the awkward way that it pops up, and its lack of depth deprives the audience of Neal bonding as well as Rumple and Henry bonding. And again, that sucks. It doesn’t even contribute to saving Killian, like the placement of the hat during the ending scene implies that it might, and that makes it doubly frustrating! Like, there was potential for this idea (Maybe have Henry ask some more questions or delve into Henry’s feelings on Rumple’s betrayal and how it affects Operation Mongoose later since the villain who seemingly got his happy ending lost it).

All Encompassing

I like the more subtle theme of backing away from temptation. Anna steps away from the temptation of saving her sister at the cost of the Apprentice (Or so she thinks) and this is correctly framed as the right thing to do. Killian both does this and doesn’t do this. He backs away to ask for his hook back upon seeing the damage he does to others, but doesn’t back away at the darkness of the cost of that hook (Allowing for Rumple to put the old man in the hat).

Stream of Consciousness

-Ooh! It’s The Sorcerer’s Apprentice! M-I-C-K-E-Y M-O-U-S-E! XD

-I like that we got to see Zoso again. You know, seeing as he was Rumple’s mentor, I wonder what it was like for him to train Rumple. I HC that it wasn’t a long journey since Rumple adapted to the darkness fairly easily, but the dynamic would’ve been interesting to see nonetheless.

-What parent names their kid Zoso? And I thought Malcolm hated Rumplestiltskin! XD

-”No Dark One will ever possess what’s in that box.” ...Well, you’re half right.

-“No, but I want you to be happy.” Someone remind me one day to write a giant ass post about why I think the Captain Cobra dynamic is so good because believe it or not, a line like this actually boosts my love for this dynamic!

-That missed dart will brighten me up on my darkest days! :D

-”What are you, like 300?” Don’t get people started, Emma.

-I don’t think I ever realized how close Mr. Gold’s was to Granny’s!

-”You kept it all these years?” Rumple, I know revenge and self loathing and all that, but there is no heterosexual answer to this question! XD

-”This hand belongs to the man you used to be.” I kind of wane back and forth around how bad that dude actually used to be. On one hand, “Good Form” shows that Killian was raring to go, violence wise, but his behavior in Milah’s town in “The Crocodile” suggests that there were circumstances where he wasn’t a pillager. So was it just noble pillaging or was that just an exception? Opinions?

-”That’s just A through E.” Was that an Adam and Eddy reference? Because that’s pretty cute! XD

-So my journey with Killian’s Storybrooke outfit was a bit of an adventure. I didn’t like it when it first came out, but I will admit that that was partially because I was holding out for seeing him in a suit or even a tux AND I missed the pirate coat and the glorious chest hair we got because of it. BUT the more time that I spent with the outfit, the more I liked it and as of a few months ago, I now own a kickass custom Funko of this specific outfit! XD

-”It seems he indeed has changed his ways.” Killian, I get that you’ve gotta explain the sudden reappearance of your hand, but that might be a little too much, even for you.

-I didn’t realize it, but the Apprentice has some jokes to him! I like that bit of personality and wish we got a bit more of it.

-Killian, you don’t get to make poses like that and expect me to live through them!

-”Shouldn’t you be happy [That Marian’s frozen]?” Dude, whether she’s with someone or not, an innocent woman’s doing her best popsicle impersonation because of that frozen heart! Henry, not your best moment!

-That weird bit of Killian looking at his hand mid-kiss is DUMB! Like, I can almost forgive the dumb snapping point at the restaurant because it was somewhat unconscious, but this is Killian focusing on kissing Emma and just a LITERAL SECOND AGO, he was happy with his hands around her. That was simply a poor writing, shooting, and music choice.

-SNOW AND DAVID ON THE COUCH IS NEVER NOT FUNNY! XD

-Emma, don’t just leave your folks! Gossip!

-”Because I don’t want to.” I love how blatant and frank Rumple is with so many of his lines! XD

-We got flowers! We got a run in in a car! DATE NIGHT 2: ELECTRIC BOOGALOO!

-I love how Rumple’s such a fucking drama queen that he HAD the fucking hook on his person! XD

-I love how Storybrooke has a dedicated radio station! That must be the most interesting job in the world! If by some miracle, I’m ever transported to Storybrooke, I’m getting a fucking internship! XD

-And I love how Granny’s sponsors said radio station! Does she not have enough money?! XD

-Oh hey! Rip Van Winkle survived his deleted scene with Rumple and made it to Storybrooke! XD

-...Wow, Will. They were really planning something for you….I think. (Fun fact: You ever want to unlock my hidden salt? Talk to me about Will Scarlet, apparently! XD )

-I know a lot of people think Killian might have been homeless at this point in the series, but I HC that he just drank himself to sleep or that he just didn’t want to be around people for risk of hurting them.

-I love how Robert Carlyle plays Rumple when Rumple loving what he’s doing, but he’s in Storybrooke mode so he can’t exactly show it but still is showing it. Does that make sense?

-I KNOW YOU, RUMPLE! “OLD FRIEND” MY AUNT FROU FROU!

-YES! MICKEY MOUSE SAVES THE DAY! M-I-C-K-E-Y M-O-U-S-E, MOTHERFUCKER!!!

-Anna, I will forever love the fact that you call the most danger artifact in the OUAT world a “wavy knife.”

-I also love how she proceeds to say “please” to Rumple! XD

-Anna, you are my fucking hero!

-Anyone notice how The Sorcerer is very likely the owner of that gaudy af red and white car?

-”So here we are, Captain. Still in business together.” This line was always weird to me. It had no congruity with the story and for such a big line, it has no presence.

-Umm makeup? Will doesn’t look like he has a shiner.

-Damn, that investigation scene was weird.

-”...before the trail gets...cold.” Thank you, Emma for gracing me with a pun! I needed that!

Favorite Dynamic

Anna and Rumple. These two are fucking hilarious together! Rarely does Rumple get to have a back and forth with someone not only oblivious, but also hysterical and Anna meets this weird mix to a tee! Their banter is truly one of a kind and I’d have seriously loved more scenes of them together! I also love how Anna learns from Rumple! When she finally gets her hands on the dagger, she is VERY careful about how she handles Rumple and her commands! Seeing Rumple’s lip twitch as he is forced to save The Apprentice is just one of the greatest moments ever! Not only that, but I found their dynamic to be a little necessary. While Killian is getting his just desserts for doing bad in this episode (Though it might be a bit overkill-y (Or should I say, over KILL-I-AN XD) for me), Rumple is doing bad too in the present with no consequence and I feel like the flashback here showing his proverbial ass getting handed to him made that a lot more palatable.

Writer

Andrew Chambliss and Dana Horgan are our writers today. It’s actually Dana’s first and...it really shows. I don’t feel too guilty attributing the present segment to Dana as she’s written second on the writer’s list, but correct me if that’s a mistake of judgment on my part. There is no understanding of Killian’s character or what she wants to do with him here and because of that, he flops on the deck like a fish. And when you’re dealing with such a delicate dynamic as Killian’s and Rumple’s, you need to provide it Andrew’s segment of the episode however is fantastic! Everything is much more cohesive!

Rating

6/10. This was is many ways such a failure of an episode. I GET what they were trying to do -- expose cracks in Killian’s redemption so that the door was open to explore more with his character, but the result of the work here made Killian an incomprehensible mess. His morality is all over the place, but not in the way it intended. Honestly, if not for all the goodwill Killian developed earlier on and following this episode, this singular episode might have destroyed my love for his character. If this segment were on it’s own, it very likely would’ve been tied for the series’ low of 3/10. Thankfully, the past segment is such a redeeming factor here. The story is far tighter and the characterizations were done so carefully. Additionally, Mr. Gold is at least consistent in the present segment and Robert Carlyle’s performances here are excellent in selling that sanrmyness of Rumple’s. But the rest of it is trash and apart from the hat scene and the flashback, are completely irrelevant throughout the rest of the series.

Flip My Ship - The Home of All Things “Shippy Goodness”

Captain Swan - So before we get into the squee of things, I gotta talk about Henry. Despite that “no,” Henry is the one to push Emma into that diner. If he didn’t want her asking Killian out, he wouldn’t have done that. I’ll get into this when I one day talk about how much I love Captain Cobra, but I love how Henry likes Killian, but his feelings towards Killian dating Emma are a lot more ambiguous. Okay, we good! Now let’s get into AWESOMENESS that is the date stuff! First off, Killian wastes no time focusing on the mission because he knows how important it is to Emma and assures her that they’ll find her, all the while oblivious to Emma’s adorable nervousness. And then she asks him out and he misses so adorably! And the age banter and the planning banter! Fuck! I just can’t! And I get to watch a whole date of them! I’m already in pain from smiling. But before that, I’ve got to point out how Killian, despite being a lot fucked up i his method, is going for his hand back on the off chance that Emma wants him to hold her! That is just too romantic! Rumple, you’re right about blackmail and his romantic side! Ok! I love those first few seconds where Emma and Killian cannot speak because they’re admiring each other so much. Like, oh my FUCK! That is too cute! And can we talk about And then we get the actual date and while Killian’s having his mini panic attack, Emma’s the one to comfort him and tell him it’s okay. I really like how they both support each other in this way! “Will you go out with me again?” Because I’ve seen that thread where people started the show because of a gifset of that and I’m STILL shook af! And Emma’s response with that kiss is too beautiful! Like, she can’t even think of how to verbalize how much “YES” she has in her so she decides to kiss that “YES” and burn it into everyone’s skull for all eternity! And the way she stands by the door once it’s closed...that’s actual perfection. Like, I can die a happy woman!

Rumbelle - I’m not gonna defend Rumple’s actions in this episode, but seeing just how far he goes to fuck with Killian for threatening his marriage really does show how much he values said marriage. I also loved the deleted scene where Belle returns to the library and think that would’ve been better had it made it on screen.

-----

I hate bitching about an episode and I wasn’t looking forward to doing it at all, so much so that I pushed doing this episode off twice! I want to say that hopefully that’s the last time I need to review an episode like that, but unfortunately, I’m not a fan of the next episode either. This...is gonna be a hard week.

BUT thank YOU all the same for reading! You made this bit of suffering worthwhile! And thanks to the fine folks at @watchingfairytales as well as @daensarah! See you next time!

Season 3 Total (35/230) Writer Scores: Adam and Eddy: (9/60) Jane Espenson: (10/40) David Goodman and Jerome Schwartz: (10/50) Andrew Chambliss: (6/50) Dana Horgan: (6/30)

*Links to the rest of my rewatch will no longer be provided. They take posts with links outside of searches and I spend way too much time on these reviews to not give them that kind of exposure. Sorry for the inconvenience, but they still can be found on my page under Operation Rewatch.

[feynites]

How would you fix snapes story? Cause we all know thats a mess, if this has already been asked sorry. (Also you should have a side blog called watch me fix this mess, where you take books that have major problems and give your opinon on what could be done to make it better, thats more of my opinion then statement though).

Ahh, thank you! I’m so pleased you think that I can do a decent job of addressing some problems in stories! I definitely make plenty myself, so it’s born of personal experience I guess. I’ll consider the side blog, though my ability to organize those has not proven to be great, in all honesty.

But, to the question!

The thing about Snape’s story is that there are a number of issues, and a lot of them are subjective, and who has problems with what creative decision or aspect of his writing is going to change depending on who you ask. So it’s difficult to get a coherent ‘solution’, because for a lot of people, the ‘problem’ is not the same thing.

Like,  some people will point out that the revelation that he was working against Voldemort doesn’t really address the fact that he’s still a petty asshole who bullies children. Others will argue that this is called ‘being a complex character’ and there’s nothing wrong with it - and they’re right, but they’re also kind of ignoring that the narrative, through Harry, implies that Snape’s actions totally did change the context of his behaviour. And so the frustration people have is that they disagree with the way the story is framing him.

Also, his status as a hero is contentious because he was never, at any point, actually being selfless. From start to finish, everything Snape did was driven by personal interest. Even his desire for atonement and revenge never exended into any kind of ‘big picture’ perception of the world, or increased sense of value for things outside of his own feelings. A lot of people define heroism by a certain amount of selfessness, and by that definition, Snape soundly fails to meet it. Just because he was willing to die doesn’t mean he was acting altruistically.

And then there’s the fact that Snape, like the goblins, is basically an antisemitic archetype. He’s petty, greedy, grasping, hook-nosed, sallow-skinned, dark-haired and ‘ugly’, and these are all canonically confirmed character flaws. He’s also treacherous, even though his betrayal of Voldemort was a good kind of treacherous. Fiction, however, has a long-established history of letting the bad guys’ infighting be their undoing, without actually salvaging the characters involved (like, Starscream and Megatron are always at odds in Transformers, but they’re rarely portrayed as not still both being bad guys). 

So changing Harry Potter’s narrative to play Snape as just another villain - complicated villain, sure, but still not viewed as having really redeemed himself - wouldn’t address that he plays into a character type with some very uncomfortable origins. Actually redeeming him, on the other hand, would also run the risk of glossing over his more blatantly cruel acts as a teacher (like his treatment of Neville and Hermione), and wouldn’t satisfy people who wanted to see that really acknowledged.

For myself, I... well. A lot of stories teach kids that the adults they think are mean or scary, or who they see being cruel to their peers or to themselves, might have important reasons for their behaviour that you won’t understand until you’re older. The message, often, is that reporting people like this or getting angry with them is a mistake, and that it’s better to be quiet and just do what they say. Harry Potter is guilty of this kind of messaging with Snape. Dumbledore is always telling Harry that he trusts Snape’s loyalty, and the stories often disprove Harry’s theories that Snape is behind some scheme or evil act, to the point where it’s basically a recurring theme. Suspecting Snape of conspiring against students is wrong. Reporting Snape won’t work. Lashing back as Snape’s misuses of power only makes things worse.

The intended narrative is usually something like ‘snap judgments are bad’ or ‘don’t judge a book by its cover’, but that only works if a character’s objectionable traits are purely superficial. Snape, though, really is misusing his authority as a teacher left, right, and center. 

The thing is, though, that kids who grow up in abusive environments (and some adults too) often end up with this fantasy where, if you’re nice enough and forgiving enough of someone’s cruelty, they will heal, and their capacity to love will mean that they stop lashing out, and instead become a great and loyal protector. Because the lesson is all too often ‘you can’t do anything except be nice to them and hope it helps’, and so the dream is ‘a story where it actually DOES help and everything turns out alright in the end’.

I think this lies at the heart of a lot of Snape’s fanon narratives and reinterpretations. Because the stories emphasize that he isn’t going to leave, and he can’t be totally avoided, and so the hopeful, optimistic idea is that he can change, or can reveal to have been motivated by outside forces with regards to his cruelty, and that once those forces are gone, he’ll be a great person to spend time around. That it’s just a matter of time and then there’s going to be a reward for all this energy spent in putting up with an insulting, petty, unfair, mean-spirited and spitefully vindictive man.

Which is a narrative that abusers really really like too, because it encourages people to prioritize forgiving and loving them over holding them accountable to standards of decent behavior.

And that is my own personal biggest problem with his story, and biggest potential dilemma with approaching it. I wouldn’t want to shame or deride people who entertain the hope of being rewarded for kindness and patience and faith in people’s better natures. Harry Potter is ultimately aimed at kids, and kids are often faced with adults who mistreat them, who they can’t escape.The Dursleys won’t change and that’s obvious to most readers. But it’s easy to zero-in on Snape as the character who could. To invest in him all that desire to see the Dream Come True, and watch an adult who was bad become good and caring and actually look after Harry. To think, maybe he’s doing it in secret? And lo, he is! And he’s a hero after all, and he died to help Harry, so maybe all the mean nasty adults who degrade and insult me are going to turn it around in the end, too!

But that’s not Snape’s story, unfortunately. He never really does turn it around.

And if he did turn it around, it would have to be because he decided to and put in the work to do that. It would probably have to happen earlier on in the books, and it would take away the mystery of ‘who’s side is Snape really on?’

So... to be honest, I’m not entirely sure what I would change about him. There are a lot of options, but ultimately, I think shifting around any number of things would mitigate the problems he presents. It’s just a question of which ones anybody wants to tackle.

The simplest fix, to solve the most overall problems would probably be to remove Lily as his motivation, though. Ultimately, if Snape had chosen to turn on Voldemort because of his own principles and standards, then his complexity as a character would actually remain at a level far more consistent with Harry’s conclusions about him. Even if everything else was the same. He’d at least have the virtue of facing down a Dark Lord and protecting a kid he hated for the sake of something decent in him. As it stands, having Lily’s death motivate him just means he’s bitterly blaming everyone else for the difficulties he’s having at half-assedly assuaging the tremendous loads of guilt he brought on himself. It also means that he has an intensely personal reason to want to screw over Voldemort, which on the one hand makes sense, but on the other hand, also means we never see him do any unquestionably noble deed. So there’s not a lot to balance against his unquestionably ignoble deeds - which are pretty damn replete.

It wouldn’t fix everything and it especially wouldn’t satisfy everyone, but I think it would leave more room to agree to disagree on various interpretation of his character.

[marigoldbaker]

regarding honor and honesty in the workplace (22/42)

read it on ao3!

WOULD YOU LOOK AT THAT WE HAVE AN END NUMBER???????? CRAZY??????????? anyway i haven’t decided on an update schedule; am thinking i’m gonna do it every other day a la it’s a family affair because i’m impatient and it’s summer.

warning for some violence (as in a gun is shot this chapter)

from the personal files of Jenny Calendar:

…nvoi;awhfdon;vb lkasf;owahraobvj c mn,asdlfhl2? hsldk;fhslvnabdk sbioa;iew vvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvv (continues for 17 pages)

“Did you fall asleep on your keyboard?” Cordelia sounded wildly amused by this. Gently, she tugged a barely-awake Jenny away from the computer, carefully shutting the laptop lid. “C’mon, sleepy. Gala’s in three hours and we’ve got a whole lot of prep to do.”

“Ugh,” said Jenny, who didn’t really want to be awake.

“Ugh all you want,” said Cordelia unsympathetically, “doesn’t change the fact that your makeup needs a lot of touching up when you fall asleep on your computer, not to mention your hair—” She sat Jenny down in front of an antique vanity by the window and undid the sloppy twist holding Jenny’s hair away from her face. “Don’t worry,” she said. “I have plenty of practice untangling Fred’s hair. Sometimes I gel Angel’s, too, when he’s not being a big baby about it.” She took out a fine-toothed comb and began to work carefully at the tangles.

All of a sudden, Jenny was thinking about Rupert, and the gentle, deliberate way he combed out her hair, and how horrible she’d been to him when she called him that night. Maybe it wasn’t just her prioritization of the job that had had him so upset. Maybe whatever it was that was wrong between them was something that couldn’t be fixed by catching Glorificus. Maybe—

“You’re brooding,” said Cordelia. “Why?”

Jenny sighed. “I made an impulse decision last night,” she said, “and—and maybe a detective with a new girlfriend can afford to do that, but someone with a family can’t just pack up and run away when the going gets tough.”

Cordelia considered this, then said, “You know, Angel ran off last year and slept with Darla. There was a bunch of, um, stuff going on in his life,” here she blushed in a strange way that seemed to signify she might have been involved in some of that stuff, “and Wolfram and Hart had brought her back into the country just to screw around with his head, and he just ditched us and slept with her and spent the next month or so hiding from us because he felt so bad about it. But he came back.”

“Okay,” said Jenny, not sure how this was supposed to help.

“My point,” said Cordelia, tapping Jenny’s shoulder so that she could get to the tangled mess of hair at the base of her neck, “is that—there really isn’t any family in it with people who don’t make dumb mistakes, you know? Family is about people who choose to stick together even through the messy parts. And honestly, it seems like right now, you’ve hit a messy part in a family you’ve made yourself. Which is scary, ‘cause you don’t have blood to fall back on as a reason for being together—”

“Great pep talk,” said Jenny somewhat sourly.

“I’m not done,” said Cordelia, her voice softening. “Look, I saw the way Giles looks at you when he thinks you aren’t looking. Maybe you’re not ready to figure out what’s going on between the two of you, but I think you know that whatever you guys have isn’t something that’s gonna be thrown away over one argument.”

“It was a really awful argument,” said Jenny.

Cordelia ran the comb through Jenny’s hair one last time, then stood up, crossing the room to pick up the dress from where Jenny had carefully set it down on the dresser. “Angel went off and slept with Darla,” she said, “and this was almost right after he and I kissed for the first time. So I’m kinda freaking as is, and then he disappears for a month, and when he comes back he opens with ‘guess what? I slept with Darla!’ Like, he said it in an Angel way, but still. Got the message across.” She smiled a little, then, handing the dress very carefully to Jenny. “We’ve been dating since March of last year,” she said. “He got me a bunch of flowers last week and I made him a really bad dinner. I’m kinda crazy about him. And I think what I’m trying to tell you is that even the worst set of circumstances ever isn’t gonna shake up a relationship built on mutual trust and respect.”

Jenny smiled a little. “Okay,” she said. “That’s not too bad of a pep talk.”

“Yeah, I was building it up.” Cordelia leaned down to amicably ruffle Jenny’s hair. “I’m gonna go change in the bathroom, okay? Let me know when you’re changed and I’ll come out and do your makeup—maybe curl your hair a little around the edges so it can be all fancy.” She turned, picking up a slightly crumpled dark green dress from the floor, and headed into the bathroom.

Jenny stood up and took a look at herself in the mirror. Her hair was soft and very nicely combed (thanks, Cordelia), she didn’t look quite as miserable or sleep-deprived as she’d felt the day before, and—Cordelia was right. Three years of love and trust didn’t vanish with one huge argument, and Jenny knew Rupert well enough to know that he was probably just as hurt as she was by the way that conversation had gone. She was good at being happy around him—she was just going to have to learn how to become just as good at making amends.

She pulled the dress carefully over her head, then twirled in the mirror, watching the long skirt flare out. Compulsively, she smoothed down her hair, trying to look like someone part of a covert investigation. Detectives usually looked perfectly polished, didn’t they? Unreadable. Poised. Like Lilah.

Belatedly, she realized that this was the first time since waking up that Lilah had crossed her mind.

“Hey, you ready yet?” Cordelia called from the bathroom.

Jenny swallowed, smiled, then said, “Yeah.”

The gala was abuzz with activity when they entered, couples waltzing to the music and eating at tables set up in the Hyperion’s lavish ballroom. They slipped in largely unnoticed with a group of high-society fashion designers, at which point Wesley set up a hidden camera by the buffet table, Angel started a very awkward conversation with one of the waiters to gather intel, and Cordelia made a beeline for a nervous-looking Fred.

Jenny had had no idea that Fred’s investigative work had landed her with Angel and his crew, and definitely hadn’t expected to see her here of all places. She debated following, realized that that meant she would have to answer questions about why Rupert wasn’t working with her, decided she didn’t want to have that conversation, and settled for standing with Angel as he continued to struggle through the basics of social interaction. Why anyone would date this man, let alone frame Rupert as a revenge act to get him back, she was having trouble figuring out.

“Yeah, ‘cause—you work here,” Angel was saying, in a way that somehow managed to be both grave and uncomfortable. “Here in this place. Where you might have seen—”

“What my friend is trying to say,” said Jenny, attempting to mimic the cool, confident tone Lilah had used when entering her office, “is that he and I are both looking for a friend of ours who might be attending this gala. Does the name Glorificus ring any bells to you?”

“What she said,” said Angel somewhat helplessly.

The waiter gave them both a somewhat bemused look, then answered, “I don’t know about Glorificus, but a lady named Glory did slip one of my friends twenty bucks to save her a seat at one of those fancy tables. She’s not due down for another ten minutes, though.”

“Thank you so much,” said Jenny brightly, taking Angel’s arm and steering him towards the buffet table. “What was that?” she asked, trying her hardest not to laugh.

Angel shot her an injured look. “Cordelia was supposed to do the sweet-talking,” he said. “That’s why she’s over there checking in with Fred. I just wanted to—you know. Help out a little extra.”

He really was sweet, even if it was in a hapless-puppy sort of way. Jenny patted Angel’s arm and let go. “Well, you tried,” she said, and badly swallowed a giggle as Angel rolled his eyes. “So what do we do for the next ten minutes?”

“Mingle, I guess,” said Angel, sounding like he’d rather do anything but.

“Sounds fun,” said Jenny, and snagged a glass of champagne from another passing waiter, taking a long sip. To Angel, she added, “Do I look sophisticated?”

“Very,” said Rupert quietly.

Jenny, shocked, jerked her arm up, splashing the contents of her glass in Angel’s face. Angel stumbled backwards into the wall, mopping at his face with the sleeve of his rental tux and muttering about how people with unresolved issues shouldn’t always go to him all the time and why couldn’t he just stay dry at parties.

“Um,” said Rupert, and took Jenny’s hand in his, tugging gently until she was all the way in his arms. Jenny’s heart was hammering in her chest as he smoothly spun her onto the dance floor, leading her perfectly in time with the music. It was odd, juxtaposed with the nervous way he was looking at her.

“How did you—” she began.

“Wolfram and Hart knows that Angel Investigations is going after Glorificus,” said Rupert quietly. “Lilah didn’t exactly specify how they know, but from that I rather suspected you might be helping them.”

“Wolfram and Hart—”

“Lilah and I are here to warn them,” Rupert explained awkwardly, “and—and to apologize to you, after. Lilah said she’d handle the first bit if I could handle the second—something about me, um, knowing you—for longer.”

Jenny sniffled, then swallowed, only distantly noticing the way she’d wound an arm around Rupert’s neck. “I’m so sorry,” she said.

Rupert looked utterly bemused. “What on earth do you have to be sorry for?” he asked. “I was the one who—”

Jenny shook her head. “No, I—you were right,” she said. “I’ve been unreliable and flighty and I started saying ridiculous stuff about you being my associatejust so I could feel better about the way I treated you. You’re not—you’re more than family to—you’re everything to me, Rupert,” and all of a sudden she wanted to snatch her words out of the air and take them back.

Rupert very abruptly stopped leading them in a waltz. “Everything?” he said shakily. His hand, which had been resting innocuously on Jenny’s waist, skimmed her shoulder and her neck to brush its thumb almost unconsciously against her cheek.

Jenny couldn’t say anything. Something was beginning to finally piece itself together in her brain, something that she should have figured out long ago. Why she hated it when Rupert hung up first, why she didn’t like that things were changing, why she’d ever so secretly looked for signs that Rupert was reacting badly to the first person Jenny had actively pursued—

Rupert’s hand tucked a strand of hair very quietly behind her ear.

Jenny’s eyes flitted to his mouth, lips parted.

It was a flurry of movement behind Rupert that shattered the moment, bringing Jenny back into herself. Angel was being toweled off by a wildly amused Cordelia, who was gesticulating playfully as she teased him.

“Jenny,” said Rupert. “Jenny?”

Jenny pulled back, staring up at him, and ran.

from the personal files of Jenny Calendar (hypothetical draft for when she’s typing one tonight, probably):

fuck fuck motherfucking fuck how did i not figure out all these years that i’ve been in love with him the whole fucking time?

Jenny didn’t really think the whole running thing through. She knew Rupert was going to come after her, and she knew at some point she was going to have to figure out what exactly being in love with Rupert would do to their personal relationship, to their agency, to Lilah, to the kids, to every single person involved in their life. Everything she’d built around her had hinged on the stable constancy of her not knowing that she was in love with Rupert, and now that she knew—god, the way she felt about him was too deep and too painful to just sweep under the rug for both of their sakes.

And maybe he was in love with her too, but—what would that do? How would they even work as a couple? Jenny hadn’t felt this way about anyone before, hadn’t willingly let herself fall in love. She’d been a programmer thinking only about learning as much as she could, and then she’d been a private detective focused on helping other people, and then she’d been a single mom. There had never been any time for thinking about sharing her life with someone in the sweepingly romantic sense—she didn’t even really think she was built for those types of feelings.

She only became aware of her surroundings when she became short of breath, at which point she took the nearest exit out of the maze of hallways and found herself in a back alley. Somehow, she’d ended up right where food deliveries were made to the hotel—blessedly empty, now, with the party in full swing. Gasping, Jenny slumped against the wall, then buried her face in her hands.

The sound of high heels echoed in the alley. Slowly, Jenny looked up. Lilah was standing there, expression almost purposefully blank. Strangely, she wasn’t making any sort of effort to come any closer, leaving a distance of about six feet between them. “Lilah,” said Jenny, trying to look like someone who wasn’t a total fucking disaster. “Listen—I’m—I’m sorry. That I’m such a damn mess.”

Lilah just looked at her. There was a strange detachment to the way Lilah was looking at her, one that had all of Jenny’s detective senses on full alert—but Jenny Calendar, the person underneath the years of experience, was too sad and confused to really think about things critically. “Are you okay?” Jenny asked, and sniffled, wiping at her eyes. God, Cordelia really did pick quality makeup—none of her eyeliner had smudged even slightly. “You seemed—pretty drunk, last I saw you.”

Lilah smiled thinly. Then, in a slow, practiced motion, she took a delicate revolver out of her pocket and pointed it at Jenny.

Something shattered and broke in Jenny, in that moment, looking at someone she had let herself trust so completely. She felt as though she was missing something crucial, some puzzle-piece precious bit of information that might explain why Lilah was holding the gun with such steady sureness. “Lilah,” she said. Not pleading, exactly, but—something close to it.

Lilah’s smile quivered, ever so slightly. “I’m so sorry,” she said.

And—

There was a flurry of motion in that one horrifying moment, one that took Jenny and Lilah both aback. Lilah hadn’t known that Jenny was being followed, and Jenny—Jenny hadn’t once guessed that Rupert had been right on her heels, close enough to slip through the alley doors, take stock of the situation, and shove himself in front of Jenny exactly as Lilah pulled the trigger.

[ihaveatheoryonthat]

The Long Way Up (Ch 3)

First Chapter | Previous Chapter | On AO3

Lewis wasn’t sure what he should have felt as he stared after the empty van.

That wasn’t to say that he didn’t know what he did feel watching it from afar, hesitant to leave the safety of the thicket. He was angry, and it burned in every facet of his being, screaming to be let loose upon the person most deserving.

It was only as he reached the edge of the trees that his momentum began to slow.

What was he even planning to do? His anger was useless here. Unless he felt like unleashing it upon the mostly-innocent van, all he could do was sit and stew in his fury.

For a couple of fleeting seconds, he seriously considered roasting the van, just on principle.

Logically, he knew doing that wouldn’t solve anything. It wouldn’t even make him feel better, but the searing rage in his chest insisted that he try it anyway—and it was hard to say no, even when all the evidence was stacked against it.

He knocked his skull on the tree he’d been leaning against, frustrated not only with the situation he’d literally been pushed into, but also with himself. Beyond the obvious, what was wrong with him? Was this just how he was supposed to… well, not live, but exist now? It was terrible. He could barely get a handle on his own thoughts and feelings—and of that, the only thing he could make out was anger.

He thought he’d come to an understanding with his temper in life. In death, it seemed to have other ideas.

He was just—just so lost. For a handful of seconds, his only goal had been to get back at Arthur, but… he’d helped save him instead. And it hadn’t even been Mystery’s influence—sure, he’d taken advantage of the situation, but even before cauterizing the wound, it had been Lewis’ choice to step between his murderer and a monster.

If he hadn’t been able to let Arthur die from the start, why was he even here?

Lewis didn’t want to think about that right now, but all roads, inevitably, led back to his death. ‘Pull yourself together’, Mystery had said, but that wasn’t the problem. The problem was that his thoughts were so compressed, each one twisting and trying to get free long enough for him to make sense of it, but pushing against others as they did so, inadvertently making it all that much harder to understand anything.

Now he understood why the bog ghosts had been so elusive. Who would want to deal with supernatural tourists when they were trying to settle a war in their own head?

The space between his eyes throbbed, and he lifted his skull; it was silly, but at least he could try to alleviate the physical pressure before working through the emotional tensions.

Nothing had changed out on the road. The van was still frustratingly un-charred, but that shouldn’t have come as any surprise. If he wasn’t going to take matters into his own hands, who would?

Experimentally, he lifted one hand from the bark and flexed his fingers, and belatedly realized that he had no idea how the fire had come to him in the first place. So no. No burning vehicles at his hands. In a weird way, not being able to do it was a relief; it absolved him of the responsibility to choose a side.

His father always said that not making a choice was a choice, too. What would a non-choice mean for his one-sided war against the van? What would it mean for his agreement with Mystery? If he held off until he had a more complete understanding, but never found it, didn’t that just mean that he’d decided against taking revenge? Suddenly, the deal seemed more weighted than it had before.

And that brought him to Mystery.

Mystery was a whole different beast in the most literal sense, and, as was the case with most things right now, Lewis didn’t know what to make of him. Did he mean well? He’d insisted that Lewis rethink things before going after Arthur again—and claimed that it was for Lewis’ own benefit—and seen to it that both Vivi and Arthur got help, but… he’d also been the source of Arthur’s injury. What was the point in—

Subconsciously, Lewis’ hand rose to cover his jaw and, steeling himself, he went further down that rabbit hole.

What was the point in ripping Arthur’s arm off if he’d just turned around and rushed the man to the hospital afterwards? It was a valid question, but it was also just as easy to ask, ‘If you’re going to turn around and kill him later, why bother protecting him in the first place?’

Nope. This was about Mystery’s motives, not Lewis’. Lewis was already well aware of his contradictory actions, and had no explanation for them.

Regardless of what ‘side’ Mystery was on, it was probably best not to get too comfortable with him; he’d already proven that he was a threat. Lewis had only seen the aftermath, but the locket hovering near his lapel gave a nervous flutter at the memory of a beast with a bloody muzzle.

He turned his back on the road and leaned against the trunk; one set of fingertips dug into its bark while the other hand slowly migrated from his jaw to the quivering locket.

If at all possible, he’d like to stay on Mystery’s good side. Or, at least, the grey area that wasn’t his good side, but wasn’t his bad side either.

The tightness in his chest coiled further, and there was something else he was able to recognize: fear.

Fear and anger. Now that was a recipe for disaster.

He slid down the tree trunk and, with a clipped laugh, realized that those twisting emotions occupied the newly-renovated space in his being.

It took several minutes before Lewis recognized that the laughter he was choking on had turned into a series of breathy sobs. He was a mess—a mess of conflicting emotions and intentions, a mess of blood and bone.

He drew his knees up as if to hide the source of it all, and miserably rested his forehead against them.

Nearby underbrush crackled underfoot—or underpaw, as it were—but Lewis didn’t bother looking up.

Great. That was just what he needed right now: more contradictory feelings.

“Something’s wrong.” He said, more to himself than his company, using the words to swallow back another bubble of distraught laughter. “Something’s wrong with me.”

Why was he seeking out the presence of something so… unpredictable? He’d thought he could trust Arthur, and look where that had gotten him. Now he was just sitting there, waiting to see what else a rogue element was going to do.

There was more crunching as Mystery padded nearer and sat down.

The locket beat heavily in Lewis’ hand. One of his remaining survival instincts kicked in, and he cupped the other around it, too, pressing it safely to his collarbone.

Out on the road, a vehicle slowed as it passed the van, and eventually sped up as its owner’s curiosity was sated.

Mystery rested his chin on Lewis’ knee, and the heart skipped a beat.

“Nothing’s wrong with you. Even if something was, it wouldn’t be your fault.” He finally said. “It occurs to me that I haven’t been especially mindful of what you’re going through. I don’t regret prioritizing the way I did, and I hope you understand my reasoning, but that danger has passed. It’s time to deal with another. I realize I’m telling you this far too late, but your wellbeing is also a priority of mine.”

Lewis refused to look at him. The flattery was obvious—it had been when they spoke further in the greenbelt, and it was just as blatant now. But, despite all of his misgivings, he was finding it hard to distance himself from Mystery when everyone else was already so far away; logic be damned, he did not want to be alone in the world. Not again.

“I’m sorry I couldn’t save you.”

Paradoxically, his nonexistent breathing hitched and his fingers tightened around the locket; the coil began to wind itself again, so taut he felt it might snap.

“S-stop.” He somehow ground out, managing to get through everything else warring for what little space it could reach.

The weight of Mystery’s head disappeared.

Lewis remembered wondering, as he made his way toward the road, whether or not their agreement had been a ploy to see him to rest—to wait long enough for the fire that sustained him to go out. Maybe it had been another case of mixed signals: exorcise him to save him.

Somehow, he had been left with nothing but fear, hatred and the paranoia they bred. It was no way to exist.

So maybe, if this reality was so unbearable, it really would be in his best interest.

He curled in on himself, unable to make the decision—but, of course, inaction was a decision too.

Rough paw pads brushed at his exposed elbow.

“Let go.” Mystery said, voice uncommonly soft, even for the little of it Lewis had heard.

For a second, Lewis was sure it was a plea to move on, but insistent—and improperly clipped—nails scratched his wrist, reminding him that he was still holding something in a death-grip.

“Lewis, you’re hurting yourself. Let go of it.”

He could feel the joints in his hands creak as he slackened the hold; the steadily building pressure in his chest came to a sudden halt.

…was it really that simple?

Mystery nudged the exposed flash of gold, tutting over the spider web of cracks on its surface; his nose was cold and the sensation almost made Lewis jump, but he clung so stubbornly to his epiphany that the instinct to protect the heart fell by the wayside.

That unbearable tension—had he been causing it the whole time?

If he could just release his metaphorical grasp, he could think again. He could get back to—

Get back to…

Beside him, Mystery took a sharp breath. “What did you just do?”

Lewis let go of the locket entirely and turned both empty hands palm-up.

“Not what I meant.” Mystery nudged it again, angling it so Lewis could see. One of the shallow cracks had gone deeper than the rest. It hadn’t been like that a moment ago. He sighed and sat up straight, giving Lewis a pointed look, “If this is about Arthur again—”

Lewis flinched and sagged against the tree trunk.

Briefly, he was hit by the feeling of sitting under his mother’s disapproving stare. It didn’t mesh well with the reality that it wasn’t a human woman watching him, but something that wasn’t quite a dog.

“Don’t—don’t say his name.”

There was a long silence, ended by a disappointed snuffle.

“What can I do to help you?”

Lewis didn’t know. The memory of his mother didn’t fit in with fear, anger, or anything in between; he was having a hard time processing it. He didn’t know what he felt anymore, or how Mystery could help… but quiet would be nice. Stability. Something to help balance out the volatility inside.

The urge to keep burning, to keep the coals hot, rebelled; it wouldn’t be stability, it would be stagnation. That was unacceptable.

What could happen to Vivi if he let this go unpunished? What had he already been to late—too busy being killed—to save her from? How could he even entertain the thought of letting anything else happen to her?

His hands itched to curl in on themselves again. He kept them still.

“I want to go home.”

“Then we take you home.”

Finally, Lewis looked him in the eye. “How?”

“I’ll walk. I suspect you’ll float."

A harsh laugh escaped a throat that didn’t exist anymore. “You know what I meant. If my sisters saw me like this—or, or even mom and dad…”

“Then don’t let them see you.” Mystery said, as though it were obvious. “It’s not ideal, I realize that, but even if your appearance wasn’t a problem, are you really up for all the questions you’d be faced with?”

Lewis leaned against the tree and closed his eyes, imagining, for a moment, that he was back on the front porch. There had been questions then, too—a lot of them. Most of them from people far less understanding than his parents. He hadn’t had any of the answers they’d been looking for.

This time, he did. Probably.

…maybe not, if Mystery was to be believed, but that was still up for debate.

For the time being, he gave it up. It didn’t matter right now.

“How?” He asked again, softly.

“First, we get moving. Then I teach you how to disappear.”

--

Arthur had been just a little bit in love with Lewis since his twelfth birthday.

He had never been one for parties—not when it was just him and Lance—but every year, they would mark the occasion by trying to bake a cake and, if that failed, bid a hasty retreat to one of Tempo’s bakeries. Arthur had been overwhelmed nearly to the point of tears the first time the Peppers had sent one over with Lewis.

So it hadn’t been an official get-together that year, as Lewis carefully deposited a cake on the counter and Arthur tried to make sense of the violin case his friend had been struggling to balance on the way in.

He’d understood with the first strains of music: a song he only recognized from visiting the Paradiso on weekends, and only bits and pieces, since Lewis’ practice—or composition, as he’d eventually find—would come to an abrupt halt as soon as he realized Arthur was there. If the song had shaken at times, Arthur hadn’t noticed; all he could think was that Lewis had poured his attention into writing it—all for him.

He hadn’t exactly fallen that day, but he’d certainly stumbled.

And now Lewis was dead.

Arthur had killed him.

It was the very first thing he remembered upon waking; the rest of the night was fuzzy—most of his present was fuzzy, for that matter—but he remembered that one fact with perfect clarity.

The nurse tending to him panicked when he woke and immediately threw up, but the doctor didn’t seem surprised. She said something about shock and busied herself giving orders just outside the room. Arthur didn’t care. He didn’t care about why he was here, or how long he’d been there. Concern for Vivi buzzed amongst the background noise his thought process had devolved into, but the parts of his brain that still worked told him hospital. If I’m okay, she’s okay.

Lewis was not okay.

He gagged again, but managed to choke the bile down.

Arthur’s world had suddenly become very small, little more than guilt and self-hatred confined to a hospital bed. How could he have done that? How could he have done that to someone he—someone he loved?

His jumbled thoughts produced the memory of two fistfuls of fabric—a measure of comfort as they wandered in somewhere they definitely didn’t belong. It soured as his memory jumped to the same fabric pressed against the flat of his palm.

The monitor beside him screeched, flagging a different nurse to come in and prod at him. He ignored this one too… or would have, if it weren’t for the sudden iciness of something snaking through his veins—snaking through his arm. He snatched it back and made a move to physically restrain it, to keep it all from happening again, but there was nothing to grip it with.

His other arm wasn’t there anymore.

Arthur sat, trembling, at the edge of his shrunken world as the medication began to take effect. It seemed somehow appropriate. It had been a cliff before, and it was a cliff now.

He almost fought against the sedative—against the poison in his arm and the blackness that followed. He was fine on the overhang, waiting for the inevitable. Let someone else fill his role; he couldn’t be that person this time.

He almost fought against the sedative, but one simple fact made him accept it instead:

Lewis was dead, and Arthur had killed him. He hadn’t forgotten it for one second. He wouldn’t allow himself to.

The mantra saw him through his fleeting trip into the waking world and safely back to sleep, where he was greeted by the gleam of teeth and snapping of bone.

He welcomed it with one open arm.