#but like i realize that my frustration isn't logical. so. why am i feeling it

[gayboybeetle]

why am i getting oddly angry at things that don't normally make me angry. this blows.

[wizardofrozz]

✨️ROZZ!✨️

I humbly request a First Kiss prompt for SAWBONES.

Both of these seemed like they'd be great for him, so feel free to pick which one gives inspiration or mix the two or whatever you feel like:

*the first initial kiss being a simple peck, then they immediately go back in for a stronger, more passionate one.

* taller gently grasping the shorter's chin

I readily admit I am feral for your grumpy medic OC. 💅

Through the Darkness

OC Sergeant Sawbones x jedi!reader (gn)

Word Count: ~2.3k

Warnings: mention of war, mention of claustrophobia, violence, reader is said to be shorter than the clones, slight angst

A/N: I'm alive lmao work has been kicking my ass but I finally had a few days off and managed to get some writing done. After this, I also have a Fox fic that's ready to post 😈

Thank you for the request Reb and I'm sorry it took so long 🫂 🖤

Silence hangs in the air, your labored breathing deafening as you inch through the tunnel. Another mortar hits the rockface, knocking another cloud of dust loose, and you're forced to cover your mouth and nose to chase off a coughing fit. You can feel him lingering behind you, stopping when you do but saying nothing; even if you weren't trying to stay quiet, you wouldn't expect him to have anything to say anyway. 

Sawbones leans forward, the empty visor of his helmet tilting toward your face. Even through the barrier, you can sense the question: are you okay? You wait for the tickling in your sinuses to fade before you nod, noting how his shoulders seem to drop slightly. Without thinking, you nearly give in to the urge to take a deep breath but clench your teeth at the last second, settling for another shallow inhale before you take another step down the narrow tunnel. Sawbones inches along behind you, his quiet breathing filling the small space. 

The buzz of battle ebbs and flows, but you can't tell if it's coming from in front of you or behind you. You ended up stuck in this tunnel after an explosion caused a rock slide, and Sawbones, the trooper standing near you, yanked you off your feet. One side of the tunnel, the side where the rest of the wolfpack and your fellow master, Plo Koon, are still fighting, is mostly blocked, leaving you and the medic only one exit. Glancing over your shoulder, you catch a glimpse of Sawbones matching your steps as he walks backward, his rifle never lowering.

Most of your time during the war has been spent battalion hopping, a Jedi general without a squad, and so far, the 104th is your favorite place to spend your time. However, you refuse to admit why. 

Sawbones taps your bicep. 

A shiver races down your arm, fingers tightening around your unlit saber as you turn to face him. Every clone stands almost a head taller than you, but something about being this close to Sawbones, his height forcing you to tilt your head back, makes your stomach somersault. He nods toward the bend in the tunnel, his fingers gently curling around your arm, and you let him direct you out of his way. It isn't until he approaches the opening that you realize what he's doing.

Sawbones freezes, his head turning to look at you when you grab his elbow and stop him from stepping into the entryway.

"What're you doing?" you hiss. Your voice sounds too loud after the silence you've been moving in for some time, but you shake off the worry and stare into his dark visor. 

"Checkin'," he replies just as quietly. The modulator in his helmet makes it sound staticky, almost inhuman, but there's still a hint of his natural voice and you find comfort in it. Logically, someone should check that the coast is clear, but the fact that he automatically assumes it has to be him is what makes your stomach turn. 

"I can do it." 

Sawbones tilts his head, and you can imagine the narrow-eyed look on his face; the thought almost makes you smile. He tries to reach for you, but you side-step, staying just out of his reach. The action is immediately followed by a frustrated growl that bounces off the walls curving over your head. 

It's empty, blessedly empty, and your knees wobble for a moment. It's easy to put on a brave face, to act like fear isn't eating you alive, but the relief that rocks you is a little harder to hide. You glance up when Sawbones moves to your side, his faceplate still looking down the long tunnel. 

"That was stupid." 

"Not to me," you counter lightly with a shrug. The only response you get is a quiet scoff. Your mouth twists to the side to hide your smirk, but the way Sawbones shakes his head tells you that it was a failed attempt. 

"Come on," Sawbones huffs, lightly nudging your shoulder.

Pebbles bounce off the narrow walls as you start forward again. It's hard to tell if it's an illusion or if the walls are closing in, the walkway tapering. Sawbones moves from your side to walk behind you, making your fear spike. Are you walking into a dead end? Are you trapped inside a mountain?

Rough fabric brushes against your arm, snapping you out of those spiraling thoughts with a soft gasp. His fingers linger on your arm, the touch grounding as you steady your breathing, clearing your mind of the fear starting to seep through your shields. 

You've never been claustrophobic before, but you've also never been trapped inside a mountain, hoping the other end of this tunnel isn't blocked, too. It's probably not the best problem to worry about at the moment when your chest feels like it's going to cave in on itself. The grip on your arm tightens, drawing your eyes up to the dark visor.

Your reflection looks as panicked as you feel. 

"We should keep moving," you force out. Embarrassment burns high in your cheeks at how frail your voice sounds, and before Sawbones can mention it, you step away from him. 

Thankfully, the tunnel makes a sharp turn, widening again. 

***

Time is a funny thing without having the sun as a gauge, and you try not to pester the medic stuck with you too much about what the readout on his HUD says. 

The muffled thud of explosions subsided roughly an hour earlier, but you don't stop walking until the tunnel opens into a cavern large enough to make a small camp. Sawbones doesn't object, merely disappearing back the way you came for a few minutes before joining you again.

Doing a double take, your lashes flutter when you look up at him from your seat on the uneven ground, taken aback by the dark eyes staring back at you. Sawbones looks weary, his mouth drawn into a thin line under his unkempt mustache. 

It hits you just how exhausted he must be after days of fighting, followed by trudging through a dank, stuffy tunnel with you as company. Your expression twists into a mixture of sympathy and guilt, but it only seems to make his features harden. 

The crinkle of the ration bar landing in your lap makes you jump, and by the time you look back up, Saw's already turning away to set his rifle against the cavern walls. Releasing a long sigh, you look down at the ration bar in your hand again, and a small smile lifts the corner of your mouth when you note that it's your favorite flavor.

Favorite flavor or not, the ration bar is still chalky, and you call the canteen of water closer with the aid of the Force. The soft scuff of boots to your left draws your attention, and you find Sawbones lowering himself to the floor beside you. The cavern *is* small, but when he finally settles, long legs stretched out in front of him, there's no denying he's sitting closer than necessary. 

Your stomach flips pleasantly, forcing you to hide a smile with another drink of water. 

The silence is comfortable - it usually is with Sawbones - and you let yourself reach for the Force to soothe the tension still needling at you. 

"We're almost out." 

The sound of his voice jerks you back to the dusty little cavern. When you twist to the side, he's not looking at you; his attention is fixated on a piece of ration bar he broke off. 

"What?" 

You almost laugh at the hard warning look he throws your way. If you were certain other Jedi generals, maybe you would've reprimanded him; your soft spot for this specific medic probably doesn't help, either. 

Lowering your voice, you find his eyes again. "If we're so close, why the hells would we stop?" 

"Do you feel better?" 

The question catches you off guard, and you blink at him. Now that you have considered it, you do feel better: the pounding in your temples has subsided, and it doesn't feel like your limbs weigh a thousand pounds. 

"We haven't stopped walkin' since the landslide, and you haven't eaten since yesterday," Sawbones points out, looking back down at his ration bar. "No clue what we'll run into out there. Seems like a waste to make it this far only to die at the finish line."

"Oh."

You've been so focused on getting out that you weren't even thinking about what waits on the other side of the mountain. Coms have been static for hours, and for all you know, the rest of the Wolfpack could've been ordered to retreat. When you glance at Sawbones again, his expression seems to have softened - well, softened for him - and not for the first time, you find yourself grateful to have been trapped with him of all people.

"Eat," he murmurs, tossing a piece of ration bar into his mouth to make a point.

***

Darkness seeps into the mouth of the tunnel, and from where you're standing, you can see a few stars twinkling in the night sky. Sawbones' presence over your shoulder is grounding, and despite the danger that could be waiting just a few feet away, you find yourself pondering how quiet his mind is. Carefully, you reach out, your caress brushing against beskar walls that rival your own; Sawbones shifts, rumbling deep in his chest. Right, not the time.

He follows your lead, following your footsteps without making a sound, which is impressive with his armor. The Force brushes past you like a river moving around a rock, and you only find tranquility. The reassurance is what has you stepping through the archway, and the fresh air fills your lungs, almost making you dizzy. 

Nothing. There's no clank of metal feet or tinny voices calling attention to you. There's only silence. You nearly stumble back into Sawbones as the relief hits you like a ton of bricks. 

"Read ya loud and clear, commander."

You tilt your head to look up at Sawbones. His helmet is already angled down, and even if you can't see his face, the tone of his voice is enough to assume he's feeling the same relief you are. Clipping your saber to your belt again, you wait out the rest of the conversation as the tension in your muscles finally starts to melt away, and you tilt your head back to look up at the stars.

"They set up camp not far from here." His unfiltered voice draws your eyes down again. The exhaustion still lingers in the lines of his face, but there's a ghost of a smile on his lips. 

Maybe it's your full-body exhaustion or the realization that you aren't going to die, but you can't stop yourself from admiring him. This close, you can see the faint wrinkles around his eyes and the thin patch of hair on his left cheek that struggles to grow. For one single moment, you let yourself pretend you're not a Jedi, that you aren't in the middle of an active warzone, or that you shouldn't want this. Your chest aches with the emotional turmoil, but you can't deny the attraction. 

Sawbones goes rigid, and if you weren't shocked yourself, you would've laughed at the muffled surprise that makes it through his shields. The kiss is brief, your lips barely brushing his before you pull away, wide-eyed and shocked at your own boldness. He blinks at you, and the only indication that you have caught him off guard is how his brows arch upward. 

Your surprise morphs into horror now that your mind is clearing, keenly aware of what you just did. Stumbling back a step, you worry that your heart might explode with how hard it's hammering against the inside of your ribs, and you immediately start to spiral again. The panic welling up in the center of your chest blinds you to everything else around you. The clatter of a helmet hitting the ground is lost in the chaos of your thoughts. 

Then, every worry is ripped from your mind. 

Sawbones gently cradles your face, a stark contrast to the urgency with which he kisses you. Your eyes shoot open, nearly bugging out of your head, but you aren't strong enough to fight the draw you feel toward him, which seems to be stronger than ever. Melting into the kiss, you throw your arms around his shoulders as your lips part. 

Heat blooms under your skin when he releases your face to grip your hips, pulling your body flush against the unforgiving plastoid covering his body. Maker above, why hadn't you done this ages ago? 

The first brush of his tongue against yours draws a soft, involuntary moan from deep in your chest. The answering growl Sawbones muffles against your lips is downright sinful, and right then, you decide you need more. 

If you hadn't heard the faint roar of a speeder engine, you would've taken whatever he offered right there in the dirt. 

Sawbones huffs softly, the exhale brushing against your lips, and you consider dragging him back into the tunnel you had been so desperate to escape. 

He lingers a little longer, almost too long, before breaking away with another deep sigh just before the speeder comes into view. Quickly, you straighten your robes, hoping to look less disheveled and like you hadn't just kissed the sergeant like your life depended on it. 

The speeder starts to slow, Wolffe and Comet's armor sharpening as they get closer, but you can’t resist one last glance at Sawbones. He pauses before sliding his helmet on, dark eyes flaying you open with a single look. 

"Find me after the debrief," he says before putting on his helmet and turning to greet his brothers. 

Your throat clicks as you swallow. Yeah, death is the only thing keeping you from that meeting.

Taglist:

@a-single-tulip @wings-and-beskar @anxiouspineapple99 @secondaryrealm @dystopicjumpsuit

@moonlightwarriorqueen @msmeredithrose @starrylothcat @starqueensthings

@multi-fan-dom-madness @trixie2023 @mythical-illustrator @hetalianskywalker

@Bankseys-rat @sev-on-kamino @dickarchivist @dukeoftheblackstar

[bengiyo]

Don't Care for an Old Man's Underwear Ep 11 (Finale) Stray Thoughts

This watch made possible by @isaksbestpillow.

Last time, Daichi's dad came back into the picture and dumped a heaping pile of homophobia right on top of our favorite boy. Daichi, despite all his courage and conviction, balked before his father. No one was able to say much to Daichi; not Madoka, not Makoto. Makoto wasn't sure how to interject himself in this situation, and hesitated because he wanted to move properly. At work, there was discussion about people being downsized and laid off, and how that ruined relationships once a man could no longer provide. Meanwhile, Kakeru is struggling with the ethics of makeup after he helped his friend pretend to be a kind of girl she isn't. Finally, when no one else seemed like they could talk to Daichi, Kakeru reminded us that he's Makoto's son and meddled directly. We left at Daichi's dad being horrible to Kakeru, and Makoto stormed off to confront the man once he found out.

I really like how vile this final villain is with his presentation as reasonable and principled. He uses a soft tone, but he's constantly turning things around to be cruel. He made his son suffer, and he was rude to Kakeru. I almost wonder if he provoked Kakeru just so he had the leverage to demand the Okita family stay away from Daichi. He's an excellent villain, because you have to use all the empathy and compassion the show brought out of you to resist this man's flawed logic.

Wow, Makoto gets it. I am gonna cry because I'm so proud of him for not losing his conviction.

Madoka, my guy, what are you doing? This is a big problem you should face together.

Oh, Kakeru, you were so harsh to everyone all season about how they talked to you. It's hard to talk to people isn't it?

OOF Mor is also dealing with the expectations of society at large. We're really building to a finale.

And now Mika might be losing her job!

My family is in crisis!

Truly so special that Makoto has finally reached an understanding with his family that he realized what was wrong with each of them.

No! Don't ruin the sanctity of the park!! Gays, get it together!!

"Why are there so many obstacles to overcome if you're gay?" Bitch, me too, the fuck!!

It did feel like a barrier had formed between Daichi and Makoto. I'm sad and frustrated.

Y'all are gonna kill this old man.

Okay, what bad news did Furuike get, because my man just reiterated that when you grow up your heart dies?

Oh, Furuike, you've come along as well. Responding to the info that Shimura realized what was going on with him that she should be promoted is excellent growth. I also love him reminding Makoto that he's not dead yet. Life is still worth living.

I love Makoto recognizing that he was asked to be the matchmaker. He needs to know that the rules of the society can be turned for the betterment of people even in the modern age.

KAKERU'S TELLING SHIZUKA HIS FEELINGS OVER MAKEUP

"Making noise to help you forget is also what friends are for." Y'all I'm overwhelmed.

"If I'm ever unsure of myself, I'll ask Kakeru-tan to do my makeup." STOP MAKING ME CRY.

Actually so important that this show reiterates that even straight people get rejected constantly by others for failing to be what others want them to be

Of course Moe's full pen name is Pectoralis Major Huge Melons. I love her.

I'm so happy to see Makoto and Mika talking about things over chores together. I'm so proud of Mika, too.

Save us, Carlos!!!

YES, MEDDLE!!

Wow, this is the best show I've ever seen. The Okita family showed up exactly as themselves, with their passions plain, and stood before Daichi in front of this cruel man. Makoto demolished that man entirely, and said plainly that he is cruel to his son.

Daichi said it! If I change myself like that then I won't be myself!

Don't let the door hit you on the way out!!

So thankful that this show gave us that scene between Mihoko and Daichi. Sometimes we have to accept that people important to us won't accept us, but we must remember that we have those who will.

Way to release the tension with an old man's underwear and his kids dunking on him.

THEY SAID THE NAME OF THE SHOW! FINISH YOUR DRINKS!!

Of course Makoto is a crying, sloppy mess during the wedding. I love him.

What a beautiful finish.

Final Verdict: 11, Television Can Still Be Good. Truly, I don't know how else to describe this other than as one of the most important things I've ever watched in the last 20 years of engaging with stories about queer people. Seeing the Okita family reveal their passions and blast Daichi's dad like Care Bears as Makoto tells him he's a cruel asshole jumping to the front of the line to beat him up. This show earned every single beat it hit, and it was so lovely to watch a show where every character had goals and challenges. It wasn't just about making sure two guys have sex. This was a story about friendship and community, and it had strong ideas about how we make ourselves suffer for the betterment of others and yet no one is happy. This is one of the best things I've ever seen. Please go watch it.

[thelostgirl21]

Okay, someone wrote that they thought Jaskier had ADHD in some of my tags, and I've just GOT to address this, because asfjasfljadsflasjd;dlasja;slfjd;as...

@aro-tarot , OMFG YES!!!

As someone with ADHD, I've got such strong ADHD vibes from Jaskier like you wouldn't believe!

(That, plus I tend to headcanon that Jaskier suffers from Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria (RSD), a condition strongly associated with ADHD, but more on that further down...)

I mean he's usually got no freaking impulse control whatsoever, and no filter on his mouth!

And even when he HAS that filter on, and some vague awareness that opening his mouth further and speaking his mind might get him into yet more trouble…

Well, the frustration he feels in the now is apparently so strong that the possibility of having to pay a price later is but a too distant and abstract concept to be enough to put a stop to that mouth!

I mean, that moment right here?

Someone without ADHD would have stopped themselves at "Am I going to say it?" because of the "Yeah, if I antagonize him, he might decide to keep me away from getting on that boat and I'll jeopardize my safety as well as the safety of the people that are currently counting on me," that should normally logically follow...

Someone with a very strong case of ADHD however... Well, they might just have to say it!

Same thing in Season 1 with the elves. Jaskier's bound and tied ,and he just keeps antagonizing them because he's angry, and the need to express his anger somehow screams louder than the punch or the kick he'll be receiving 2 freaking seconds later if he keeps verbally lashing out at them!

Self-soothing and impulse managing are two skills that Jaskier doesn't quite have a good mastery of.

Like, don't let him get his hands on a djinn while heartbroken, drunk, and deeply wounded (because his best and very possibly queerplatonic friend just insulted his singing, while implying that it was likely why his other friend/lover had just left him, no less)... He might just start wishing Valdo Marx dead!

Generally, I'd strongly advise keeping him away from anything that could potentially become a weapon if he's highly emotional.

That's never a good combination.

Jaskier might do something he'll regret, and realize it was awfully dumb and stupid only once he's deeply in trouble, or has finally calmed down.

ADHD isn't a mood disorder, but it's been described as a "failure to self-regulate moods disorder".

Meaning that people with ADHD feel the same emotions as anyone else most of the time (RSD is a bit of an exception; again, more on that later), but they'll just have a harder time avoiding openly expressing them, and stopping themselves from acting upon them.

They can succeed most of the time (thankfully); and I highly suspect that Jaskier might be at his most focused and emotionally measured around Ciri, because he feels responsible for her.

Adults often have this instinct to sacrifice their own needs and wants to give priority to those of children (including sometimes teenagers, and/or grown children they've adopted as part of their family system and are still mentoring through life).

People with ADHD also tend to have a blast playing aunt/uncle, because we can super easily connect with the sense of wonder, excitement, and defiance of authority of children and younger people - be very impulsive and silly with them and act like children and teens ourselves, at times - while still remaining responsible and protective of them when we need to be.

It's like suddenly flipping our "adult switch" on, because we're aware they need us to be the adult.

But fellow adults don't need us to "adult" for their sake.

They typically have their own shit together way better than we do! So, we're just that almost full time impulsive dumb kid that they need to constantly watch out for while around our adult friends.

UNLESS they make it extremely clear to us that they need our help and/or for us to focus. We can "adult" if the stakes are high, and/or they need our support, too.

But that's not our default mode!

We'd rather be chasing butterflies and playing videogames / writing songs (or meta... Meta's good... My brain loves meta because it's always over-analyzing things!), doing whatever keeps us interested and stimulated in the now, than carefully planning things and being responsible.

And there's also that scene where Jaskier is in the Witcher lab with Yennefer, while Ciri's possessed by Voleth Meir (you know... going around killing people, lives are at stake and all that...).

But, since all of this is happening in another room, Jaskier can't quite emotionally connect with the gravity of the situation, so he's eating whatever he finds his hands on while randomly talking about nipples because Yennefer said "oriole", and his brain thought it sounded like "areola" (yeah, our brains are always making a bunch of connections that aren't relevant to the situation)!

Yet, as soon as Yennefer makes it clear that she needs him to focus, he's 100% in the moment with her, and has flipped that "adult switch" on.

We can go there, but it typically requires a strong enough emotional incentive for us to ground ourselves, and it's a state that gets draining when sustained for a too long period of time.

And given how we're at our best when highly stressed, Jaskier's probably the person you want there with you when things start really going to shit!

He's at his best when he's got no idea what he's going to do, and he has to think fast and improvise to respond to whatever is happening in real time.

Oh, and I'm about 99.9% sure that he suffers from rejection sensitive dysphoria (RSD), too (yeah, we're finally going there).

I discovered what RSD was about 5 years ago, how it tied into my ADHD, and that it had been something that I'd been struggling with (and often doing everything I could to hide) my whole life without really understanding it.

One thing that people with RSD tend to do, sadly, is constantly downplay our own hurt and pretend everything is fine - do our best to keep others constantly entertained and happy with us, even at our own expanse at times - so that they won't perceive us as a burden, and will continue to want to have us around.

Since a part of us is deeply aware that our emotional response to real (and/or even perceived) rejection, and the pain it causes, feels way more intense than it normally should be, we tend to be ashamed of it, and unable to fully discuss those feelings with those we love.

So, even when we do speak up for ourselves, we are afraid that we might be exaggerating, and/or making the issue much bigger than it is.

Thus, we almost regret it right away, and/or feel guilty for it afterwards, and we'll be almost desperate to let our friend "off the hook" as quickly as possible so they'll love us again.

Therefore watching Jaskier's behavior in Season 2, and the way certain characters (except Yennefer, that genuinely surprised me) responded to him, was actually physically painful for me to watch at times.

Some of the most triggering moments for someone with RSD include:

Jaskier brushing off Geralt's sincere apology - attempting to hide the depth of the emotional devastation he'd caused him - to avoid being perceived as being too much trouble and risking abandonment again.

Jaskier humorously pretending that Ciri going past him, as if he didn't exist, didn't hurt, while joking "Like father, like daughter".

Him going "Right, yeah," when Yarpen Zigrin dismisses him - having chosen to turn that constant rejection into some kind of game between them - because it's much easier to be under the illusion that they're just good-naturally teasing each other, than facing the possibly that Yarpen might genuinely consider him an unwanted nuisance he'd gladly do without, and that having excluded him from the word "friend" was 100% done on purpose!

That same little heartbreaking "Right. Yeah" after he tells Lambert "Look at us. Just one big happy family, eh?" and Lambert goes "No." While pushing him out of the way.

Jaskier is a sweet, loving, empathetic, highly sensitive bard that's on the freaking aromantic spectrum!

And aromantics can most definitely love their best friend in the whole wide world with an intensity, a depth, a sincerity, and a level of devotion that can easily match - and perhaps even surpass - any romantic couple.

Heck, I don't consider myself to be quite on the aromantic spectrum (given that I do experience primary romantic attraction towards people), but I also have a tendency to form friendships that are more emotionally (and sometimes physically, and even sexually) intimate than many of the romantic relationships I've had (except, perhaps, my current one, that is definitely on par).

I think the only reason why I've managed to remain with the same romantic partner (that I do consider the romantic love of my life) for 17 years now - and would gladly spend the rest of my life with him - is because of how deeply supportive and respectful he's been of those friendships I have.

I've built my own found family over the years that I wouldn't want to live without. And I've broken up with prior romantic partners that couldn't agree to "share me" with those other people I love (in a non-romantic way, but that doesn't make it any less tangible or real!) without regretting a single thing.

So, I wholeheartedly believe that Jaskier does love Geralt and always has loved him.

And I know that, if I'm right about this, and if Jaskier is indeed prone to RSD, then the level of emotional and physical pain that Geralt's rejection put him through would have been absolutely soul wrenching.

"I've also survived, no thanks to you," sounds just about right.

Jaskier is human, while witches and witchers are frozen in time. He's been loving Geralt and travelling alongside him and singing songs about him for about 20 years.

20 years, in a human life, is a lot of one's life to devote to someone...

Then, the moment that Geralt's romantic love interest (Yennefer) leaves him, he turns on Jaskier and basically tells him that he's brought him nothing but bad luck and misery for two decades, and that what would please him ,above everything else, would be for life to rid him of him!

Why don't you just take a sword and run Jaskier through, Geralt? I think that would have been less painful to watch!

So, I think this is one of the reasons why Season 3 has been so freaking cathartic to watch for me!

I've been literally crying my eyes out each time people made Jaskier feel loved, wanted, said thank you (even Yarpen!!! Freaking Yarpen stopped to thank him, and called him by his preferred name, Jaskier)...

And of course, there's Radovid...

I could go on and on about how good it felt to have a character that finally treats Jaskier with the same care, attention, and empathy that Jaskier offers others...

But, I think one of the things I loved the most, with Radovid, is how Jaskier himself responded to him.

He's not trying to please him, quite the contrary.

When Radovid asks "Have you come to sing us pretty songs?", Jaskier answers "No. I don't do pretty".

And then, when Radovid says that, while he appreciates the information that Jaskier has brought him, all he really wants is a song, Jaskier responds by saying that "he's not really in a singing mood."

Because yes, he's a bard. Yes, he sings about people he's encountered on his travels, and yes, he sings about people he loves...

But he doesn't want to sing "pretty songs" about Witchers, fairytales, heroics and heartbreak for the entertainment of a Prince and his court!

He's not there so that "Prince Radovid" can sing the praises of "Jaskier the Bard" 's triumphant private performance at the palace!

That's not what pleases Jaskier anymore.

I don't think Jaskier feels like he's got anything to prove performance-wise anymore and, sadly, I believe that, instead of giving him a sense of finally being seen and loved - of belonging...

At times, all this singing and performing - often for the benefit of others - has made him feel even more invisible and isolated.

And that's the beauty of him singing "Extraordinary Things", because that song is all about Jaskier.

It's vocally raw, vulnerable, filled with a fragile hope for love and for someone that makes him feel like he is seen for who he is... For someone that can help Jaskier finally believe that who he is is enough.

For someone that makes him feel like he doesn't have to try so hard to pretend to be happy, and fine, and give others what he thinks they want, so that maybe they'll love him (or keep on loving him) back.

Because it's not just Geralt...

Geralt is the one whose rejection hurt Jaskier the most, because he's the one Jaskier has loved and trusted the most...

Geralt is the one that broke something in Jaskier - his ability to feel safe in the belief that his closest friends would never abandon him.

Thanks to Geralt outburst, Jaskier is likely now being cursed with a little voice, in the back of his mind, that will continue to pop up from time to time whenever he feels safe and happy in his relationships, to make him wonder if his friends and family don't secretly wish that they could get rid of him.

Rationally, I'm sure that Jaskier understands that what happened with Geralt was caused by Geralt's own issues, and that his own behavior wasn't the cause of the rejection.

Rationally, I'm sure that he can trust in their relationship, and feel confident in the love they share.

But emotionally? Although trauma can be managed and kept at bay the vast majority of the time, there are always moments where you're bound to be more tired, stressed out, and where you don't always have the energy to push back against all of those nasty voices that wait for you to let your guards down to be heard and make you doubt.

However, besides what specifically happened with Geralt, Jaskier sadly has a very long history of having had to deal with rejections of all kinds, and been made to feel like he was never enough.

Even Valdo's obstinated refusal to learn Jaskier's name is like he's constantly trying to symbolically murder Jaskier by denying him the very right to exist, for fuck's sake!

After watching those scenes, I thought "Yup! It's really no wonder this happened:

So, while having gotten Geralt back - and obviously having built strong emotional ties with Yennefer and Ciri since the end of Season 2 - has likely tremendously helped easing some of the pain rejection has caused Jaskier throughout his life, he still has those moments where it deeply hurts him.

And I think that Geralt knows...

Jaskier might have been trying to hide it - and Geralt might not fully understand why Jaskier was hurt as deeply as he was (I doubt RSD is something that people often talk about in their world) - but he knows that a part of Jaskier still fears being rejected or abandoned again.

He's just being so soft and patient with Jaskier this season; making it immediately clear that he's not angry with Jaskier, and that their relationship is not threatened the moment that he senses his discomfort.

Or, you know, just reassuring him that the separation between them is only temporary, and that he's going to be the first person he comes looking back for as soon as he's done dealing with Rience.

If Jaskier truly is someone that tends to see people as they really are - not as they pretend to be - then it's easy to see why Jaskier did fall in love with Geralt.

That level of perceptiveness is both a gift and a curse for Jaskier, though.

Because when the person you love is set on self-destructing and unable to embrace who they really are, you might find yourself caught in the blast.

Still, when Geralt is allowing himself to be loved, and to openly love people back, he's an absolutely wonderful (platonic, alterous, romantic...) partner to have.

He's shown as someone who is able to not only apologize, but also recognize the impact that his mistakes have had on others, and take full responsibility for them.

Jaskier may have been quick to brush his apology off and pretend that all was good, but Geralt apparently knows better and, more importantly, is showing that the apology was sincere.

He's making efforts to better communicate with Jaskier and he's doing everything he can to not only alleviate some of the pain he's caused him, but to avoid triggering his insecurities.

Sadly, RSD is not something that Geralt alone can fix, especially not when Jaskier has been exposed to a number of different patterns of interpersonal rejections throughout his life.

And, while Jaskier has a tendency to pretend being fine even when he's not, his eyes almost always tell the truth.

Makes you wonder just how emotionally smart and insightful Radovid is...

Because when someone sings to you those lines...

The greatest songs are made up of unspoken words of love Of them I have had enough With you, I have enough With you, I am enough I am, I am enough

Then looks at you with those eyes...

Well, it's rather easy to understand that Jaskier has been made to feel like he wasn't good enough for those he loved, and/or still loves in the past.

And, given the success of "Burn Butcher Burn", I wouldn't put it past Radovid to have guessed that - athough they were back to being close friends - Geralt might have had something to do with the enduring vulnerability and the hurt he saw reflected there...

Thus, leading him to taking an educated guess as to what might have happened, and ask Jaskier "Does the Witcher know how lucky he is to have you?"

Somehow, with that simple question, Radovid has achieved two very important things...

He's just told Jaskier that not only does he, indeed, believe him to be enough, but he would consider himself lucky to have him...

He's just told Jaskier that whatever Geralt might have said or done to make him feel unwanted in the past, it had been wrong.

And, judging by Jaskier's answering smile, our beloved bard just got himself a fresh new (and quite princely) voice in his head to help him drown out the sound of all the other voices that are occasionally trying to convince him that he's a barely tolerable burden to those he loves.

Radovid has thrown just enough shade Geralt's way to avoid insulting their relationship; while at the same time sort of giving Jaskier the permission to mentally go "Ha! See?! There are people that want and love me, and would consider themselves lucky to have me in their lives! God, you used to be such an asshole, Geralt!" should he still need to go there to help himself manage his pain.

As a victim of Geralt's harsh and cruel words, Jaskier is entirely entitled to have moments where he needs to be a bit petty about the way Geralt used to treat him, and to call him the "family goat".

It's a very healthy way of coping with the residual hurt and anger because it puts the blame in the right place (Jaskier didn't do anything to deserve the way he was treated by Geralt nor to provoke that rejection) with just enough humor to keep that pain and resentment from growing into something that could actually be damaging to their relationship.

Radovid is an impressively good and attentive listener - at least as far as Jaskier himself is concerned.

And maybe that's one of the (many) reasons why Radovid asking to borrow Jaskier's lute, and singing the song back to him, touched me as much as it did.

It stood in sharp contrast to people singing Jaskier's songs back to him while thinking it makes THEM special for knowing a few lines! That Jaskier should be grateful to THEM for being fans, supporting his art, etc.

The entitled patrons that believe Jaskier's singing should be about what they love to hear without being really interested in what Jaskier wishes to say.

Like that obnoxious guy at the docks who started singing "The Golden One" with Jaskier, basically going "See! I'm a big fan! That totally makes us buddies now! And, as such, here are my artistic input, so that maybe you can do better next time! You know, it's good, but it's not good enough for me. Here's how you can improve!"

Basically sending Jaskier the message: "You, the artist, the message and the feelings you are trying to convey through your art don't matter. You are but invisible. Sure, you have a name, and now I'm excited at the opportunity of making my friends jealous by saying I've met you! But you're just a tool that I can now use to make myself more important and interesting to others! Your job is to stay in the shadow of your songs! Your job is to make me happy, to entertain me, to please me, to sing what I want to hear the way I wish I could hear it and to make your art all about me."

Instead, Radovid simply borrows Jaskier's lute, and humbly starts playing the song with a sense of reverence, gratitude, respect, and desire to offer Jaskier something in return for the gift he's offered him by sharing a part of himself with him through his song.

Radovid said that he had long wanted to meet Jaskier in person and presented himself as someone that is a fan of his songs, but that's because they fascinate him.

He genuinely cares about what Jaskier has to say and communicate to others (and/or about others) through them, not about what he wants to hear.

In a world where Jaskier has had to constantly fight to fit in, where he's often made to feel like he's "barely tolerated" (and it usually takes a long time for people to get to genuinely appreciate him, and openly love him back the way he loves them)...

Radovid is someone that comes along showing him that love is not supposed to be earned.

Love is a gift. You love people for who they are, not for what they can do for you.

And what Radovid heard, through those songs, was something so special, intriguing, and irresistible to him that his own response was a genuine desire to get to know the man behind the art.

He tells Jaskier that the unique way he sees the world, and his need to express it, does not make him hypersensitive or annoying - it makes him special.

I don't think the hurt in Jaskier's eyes will ever 100% go away, and that his RSD can ever be completely resolved, either...

But it doesn't need to, because it can be managed and shouldn't get in the way of one's ability to experience joy and happiness, too.

Pain is a natural and healthy part of one's life, as long as it doesn't stand in the way of everything else - as long as there's balance, and room for healing whenever it comes along.

As as long as Jaskier's found family continues to love and accept him the way he is - to let him know that he's an important part of their lives - I believe Jaskier's going to be fine. REALLY fine...

Even the moments when he's hurting are going to be fine, because that's not all there is, and he's got people loving him and offering comfort.

And maybe I'm too hopeful about this, but I think there's most definitely hope for Radovid and Jaskier to make a relationship work between them, too.

Even if it turns out to be a somewhat unconventional one, and completely different from what people might have in mind when they think of a classic "romantic couple", they can find a way to make it work for them.

My advice to them would be to leave all expectations and social conventions at the door, allow themselves to be creative in "loving outside the box", and to build something together that addresses most of their respective needs, while acknowledging and respecting the other responsibilities and emotional attachments each other have.

Oddly enough, Jaskier is one of the few people that I could imagine clearly understanding that Radovid's existence is a bit of a tragedy where he'll never be free to fully belong to himself.

In the event of his brother's untimely death (for example), should Radovid decide to give up his claim to the throne to live a less complicated life, any Redanian ruler could still try to have him assassinated "just in case" he was to change his mind, and later come challenge them.

The palace is a golden cage, and I think Jaskier would not hold it against Radovid, or grow resentful towards him, that he would only be able to offer Jaskier what he is actually free to give without risking both their lives in the process.

He might grow frustrated with all the circumstances that are creating some significant challenges to their relationship, but I could imagine Jaskier wishing to face those as partners, and avoiding to be angry at Radovid for what he can't magically change.

This is where Jaskier's ADHD brain might become an asset by helping him make unique connections, and find creative solutions to allow Jaskier to - as Batey suggested - still find the light in the darkest of places for them two.

So yeah, I definitely tend to headcanon Jaskier as having ADHD (with some significant amount of RSD), too.

[gainprincess]

"BWAH?!"

"Sorry, would you rather I use proper terminology? It's been a while, but I'll try."

She clears her throat, and sweetens her tone.

"Master, won't you please let me suckle from your obscenely fat breasts so that I may outshine all these pigs lesser than me with my flab? I'd be really grateful. I wish to become a most bloated and greedy cow of a woman, with a body that may put even Avenger to shame."

She's stepping towards Passionlip now, and the Alter Ego's face heats up. Medusa's words are sultry and genuine, and each step she makes shows off her toned legs, flexing with muscle.

Passionlip is very confused on how to feel about this. On one hand, this lady DID just break into her office, started calling her by her and her sisters' designation, not her NAME, and is now staring her down asking for some of her thick fucking titmilk.

She has every right to be horrified.

But something about the way Medusa's manic grin and glowing eyes flash makes her also REALLY, REALLY turned on all of a sudden.

"W-Well, i-if you wanna have some that bad, there's always the ho-"

"W-Wait, no, that's a really bad idea! I-I can't let you do that, even if you ARE the prettiest lady I've ever seen in my life! Also, my name's Passionlip!"

Confessions aside, Passionlip's words cause Medusa to halt in her tracks, eyebrow furrowing in confusion as she twitches.

"I...cannot?"

At first, she's calm. Passionlip exhales in relief. Calm is good.

Then, the anger.

"Why in Olympus not, Sakura?! Am I not worthy? Have I erred in some way?!"

Her teeth gnash in frustration as Passionlip quivers...but the Alter-Ego stands her ground. She's grown a lot since coming to Chaldea in many different ways.

Medusa's just angry. She's not making threatening movements, and her voice isn't that threatening, despite increase in volume. She's just having an outburst.

She can do this.

"I-I just can't! I don't let anyone have my milk straight from the tap, it's too much! J-Just look at the pudding formula thing everyone else gets with breakfast that makes them bloat! My milk is the main ingredient!"

And it all comes together, for those acting as observers. Passionlip is Raikou and Boudica's third conspirator in the duo's goal to fatten all of Chaldea in their own special way, though it seems that she, unlike the other two, has some semblance of...limitations.

"...Mh. I...I see. That...is reasonable. For such a thing to be only PARTLY comprised of your milk...It must be truly potent indeed. Twould be a waste to get so fat so quickly...I must show the others my superiority slowly, make them realize over time..."

She's in her own self-absorbed logic loop, of course, but Passionlip's words have halted her. She's calming down, coming down from the high that is her lust, if slightly. It's a sudden change, a violent swap, and if Passionlip had not been blessed with a face that brought Medusa's submissive nature to the front like a boomerang, it's doubtful such logic would've occurred.

But Passionlip does get her feelings on the topic. Being small in Chaldea is both a blessing and a curse.

Sure, you can maneuever easier, and you'll be granted a lot of convenient privileges the larger Servants just don't have access to at their size...but you won't feel like you belong. At least, Lip didn't when she was 'small'.

Sure, she was a weight everyone WANTED to be, but she didn't look it. They treated her with respect, but not with friendship. That's why SHE got big. So she could be useful, and have friends.

So she can empathize with Medusa, even if their reasons are different.

"I'm sorry for bothering you, in that case. I hope you will forgive me for this, Sa-"

She bites her tongue.

A-Ah...Your name is not...Sakura, yes? Passionlip, you said...please forgive me. You just looked so much like my Master that I..."

This change in personality is entire genuine. It is true feeling, and it occured at the drop of a hat. Perhaps it is this one moment that best encapsulates her insanity after all.

'Oh, I'm gonna get so fired for this...'

Passionlip's empathy overwhelms her better judgement for a split-second. She's too caring, and that face Medusa's pulling is way too much.

'Fuck it.'

"U-Um! P-Please don't say sorry! I-I think I actually CAN help...! Sort of..."

"...Eh?"

Medusa was about to turn on her heel and leave, to go find another venue in which she can gain quickly. Harassing someone with Sakura's face is a good way to give herself and the harassee a lot of uncomfortable feelings. Medusa dislikes the idea of that.

But now...Passionlip is offering something. So she stays...and she stares.

"I-I can't...give you fresh stuff from the t-tap. Full blast like that'd ruin our entire base. B-But, um...there's a unique property, to my milk...M-My...uh...fat content..."

She squirms a little, embarrassed.

"I-If the stuff goes directly to a fridge instead of a bowl or glass, and it stays there long enough to cool down...the extra-fattening effects are d-dulled a bit...O-Only problem is..."

She sighs.

"Can you move back just a f-few steps...? I need to activate something you're on top of."

"A-Ah. Yes. Certainly. Sorry."

Medusa snaps out of her titty-ogling at the request, wiping drool from her lip as her face flushes red. For some reason, the fact that Lip isn't Sakura kind of makes her more embarrassed to have been that greedy in front of her.

She takes a step back, glancing down on the floor. There doesn't SEEM to be anything there; just a normal oaken floor, beautifully pristine despite all the pressure that is applied to it daily with Lip's mere existence...

"A-Alter Ego Gamma...R-Requesting funneling hose connected to refrigeration storage...code 7929 Blossom Sunrise."

Passionlip rattles off a series of phrases, eyes closed as if concentrating, and for a moment, Medusa thinks nothing will happen.

Then the floor shifts, and Medusa's core grows hot as something rises out of it.

A feeding tube.

"N-Nh...I see...~"

She's only ever seen it used once, on a day where Sei Shonagon (Berserker) was feeling particularly lazy, and demanded her lover fill her up with 'the good stuff' (likely just cake batter)...but just recalling that memory gets her even hotter.

She knows what's about to happen. It's such a thick tube, too...There's going to be so much.

"Um...y-you can just p-put your lips over it...It's sensor-activated, so it'll start pumping whatever's in there into your tummy...I'm only allowing you to have three bottles, though, okay..?"

By her estimate, that should be enough to get Medusa...satisfied.

"O-Of course, Lady Passionlip...my everlasting thanks...Fuck...~"

She's gyrating her hips again, trying to relieve herself through the denim of her white pants...

'The pants I'll be rendering useless before long..!~'

She's soaked even more now. It's self-defeating. She can't help it.

She opens her mouth. The tube sits at mouth-level, just waiting, begging, pleading for a worthy pair of plump lips to sliiiide down it and embrace their fate.

For once, Medusa loves her fate.

She doesn't even consciously shove herself forward. It's almost like she's falling. Falling, falling, down and down...just a puppet for her inevitable victory.

Her mouth takes it in without hesitation as she sliiides onto it like it's the most delicious shaft she's tasted in her life, eyes rolling backwards as it slides into her throat. That's the lovely thing about not having a gag reflex...no interruptions.

The world around her blurs to nothingness as the grrrlggglleee and glllrrrrooopppp... of heavy, thick, creamy titcream pushing up the tube enters her ear. It's close. She can almost see it bloating the tube with sheer mass, the chilled dairy getting closer and closer to her soft lips...!~

It passes her mouth, and starts tracing down her maw to the opening halfway down her throat.

That alone makes Medusa flood.

Then?

Impact.

"NNNNNNH!~"

The dull realization that she's throwing her dignity away like this IN FRONT OF someone hardly occurs to her when the first deluge hits her throat.

It's so fucking creamy.

The chill is evident and transparent, and Medusa bucks when she feels her throat cool down. She can already feel it working, and her shirt groans as her chest swells.

"HHUNNNHHH...~"

But there's a problem with being so good at deepthroating you can deepthroat a two-inch wide feeding tube.

She can't taste it. She's feeling it deposit in her belly, bringing an end to her thin nature for good (Finally. Worthless.), but she can't taste it. She wants to taste it.

In the only moment of rational clarity she'll have for the next few hours, Medusa manages to push the tube upward with her throat muscles, far enough that she can at least taste it on the back of her tongue.

It drives her further into ecstasy.

Lip's milk is somehow both sweet and not at the same time, like a creamy glaze that goes on cinnamon rolls. She drools as it pours down her gullet, the substance flooding her stomach like it owes the stuff rent.

Its effects are instantaneous too. Her hips are swaying involuntarily at the feeling, and she thinks she may go cross-eyed. It's too good. Her hands are palmed against the floor, because if they aren't, she won't be able to stay upright.

Speaking of her hips, they continue to swell as she gulps, and they go from birthing hips worthy of a goddess to the most obscenely perfect set of love-handles one could ever witness, straining her pants already as the softness gathers and pads it all, concentrated like it only cares about ensuring the fabric suffers as cellulite forms on Medusa's fat rear.

"Mmmph...~"

"Nnghh...~"

She's eternally grateful to Passionlip.

Even though only one bottle has finished, her breasts are already double the size they were when she started. Even though only one bottle has finished, her face has softened, and a second chin has started to form beneath her first. Even though only one bottle has finished, her legs are causing tears in the fabric of her pants, exposing her new, flabby thighs to the world (or, well, to the starstruck Alter Ego bolted in place before her) like a cow's ought.

But her belly's not big enough. She wants more. Sure, it's swelling into a gut. Sure, the more and more she lets drain into her stomach from this second bottle, she feels it swell and gurgle and groan and churn, but she's not there yet.

She's so close, she feels like she just needs an inch more. She's so close to the greatest moment of her second life. She's so, so close to...to...!

PING!~

She freezes. One of the buttons on her pants, one of the things that keep it up on her hips alongside the buckle, has pinged harmlessly off Passionlip's metal claw, clattering to the ground between them.

She stares.

Lip stares.

PING!~

Another flies off, smashing into her claws and falling to earth once more.

Medusa can hear her pants creaking under her swelling gut. Can hear them yearning to snap, to give her the edge she desperately craves...She pants into the tube, attempting to gulp faster and faster so it comes sooner and sooner...

"MMmh...!"

PING! Another button. Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes.

"MMMH!!!~"

She bucks her hips, eyes fully rolling back in her skull as she goes over the edge.

A CRRRREEEAAAAKKKKKK from her belt buckle. Followed by a GRRRNNGNNNNNNNN from her straining leather belt.

She takes a breath. She readies herself. She steadies her hands. And, when it finally, finally...

SNNNNNNNAPPPPPPPPP!~

Medusa lets go.

"HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPP!!!!!~~"

The belch shatters plates in the cafeteria. She's a mile away from it and she's causing glass to EXPLODE in the dish rack. Windows aren't safe either. Anything not reinforced by magic is dust in the wake of that rippling belch, and the sound is like a fucking monstrosity's bellow no matter where you are in Chaldea.

It's a message. For all to hear.

Look. At. ME.

[deepestuniversallove]

Just a long vent about a specific niche fandom. Don't read if you don't want to hear me rant.

I just need to vent here for a little bit, and I am sorry if this i all incoherent.

I hate what fandom has become. What tumblr has become. What I have become.

I never used to be this way and never used to feel anger before, or jealousy or those 'ugly' feelings, as I was never allowed to. Being raised by a narcissist, you become a people pleaser and you learn quickly that you are never to show any negative emotions. Anger isn't permitted, disgust and unhappiness isn't permitted. As a good slave you don't need to have these emotions, so you learn to supress them to the point where you aren't ever feeling them consciously.

So all of this is so new to me. To actually f*cking hate the guts of some people on here. To fucking hate that they are so damn popular when all they do is shitposting and meme-ing the one that means so much to me to death. And even blocking them won't do a thing because tumblr still shows me their shit, or some fan is gushing about their stuff where I see it, and it just annoys the piss out of me. The tag I used to browse has been rendered useless to me here on tumblr. I long for the days when I was able to just see some nice art of him alone or serious discussions about him, like character analyses, or sharing obscure facts about him.

I don't even know why exactly it pisses me off so much - and I don't want to be the "Fun Police" here; everyone should still be able to do as they please and make whatever the fuck they want on their tumblr blogs, even if it is shitposting. Even if their stories don't make any logical sense at all.

I guess... I just wish Fandom wasn't so dumb with what ultimately are just headcanons. They are taking those stories as if they are canon when they are just fan creations, to the point where they harrass other creators who might come up with other things. For example, if you hate on Mewtwo x Newtwo because it would be "incest", then you are WRONG, because canonically, it was never proven that they were siblings. Canonically, there is no reason to think that Mew is the Mother who actually gave birth to Mewtwo (if you follow the movie-verse, that is. In the games, she did give birth to Mewtwo).

And sure, I realize that me criticising those fan creations is also taking headcanons way too seriously, but... I can't explain it entirely. I just want to be able to state my opinions. Be the one person that isn't always congratulating them on every creation, but also points out the flaws in their storytelling so that they, I dunno, may improve? I am frustrated that I can't even do that - I was told to shut up, or post my opinions on my blog only, probably so that my thoughts aren't seen by anyone and get buried. But I am fucking tired of that. I grew to hate being invisible. I hate making myself small for the benefit of others. Can't I be loud and angry for once in my life? Even if it is on the internet about something stupid? For once in my life, can't I voice my disdain for something after a lifetime of not being allowed to? After AvPD makes this nigh impossible of a feat for me?

One dissenting voice won't harm the popular creators anyway - they have thousands of adoring fans who will wholeheartedly take anything they make and not question it at all. They will go on and create what they want anyway, so what hurt does it do to say "hey, maybe this idea needs some ironing out because it doesn't make sense?"

On another note, I wish that if anyone here has a problem with me to not harrass people that may know me/are friends with me. I saw some anon going around and complaining about me to them - I'd rather you take your complaints to me directly than to them, since they got nothing to do with what I create or do.

For example, I saw someone who told an acquaintance of mine that it is hypocritical of me that I have Babytwos but "attack" others for doing the same. Listen, it is not that others have Babytwos that I critiqued, it's the METHOD of having them via a flower pregnancy when Mew is not a plant type and Mewtwo isn't either. It doesn't make any sense and I should be allowed to say at least that much without getting bullied in turn. That is really all I ask for. Getting Babytwos via cloning, test tubes, artifical insemination at least makes sense. Other than that, go ham and make as many Babytwos as you all want!

I also got told that I am not the owner of Mewtwo the character. Thank you, I know that. Where have I claimed I was? And if I feel a bit possessive over him, well, I got a damn reason for that. He saved me from unaliving myself TWICE. Thus he means a lot to me. I have been in love with him genuinely for 23 years. He is my guiding light. And while it is funny to see the occasional joke with him or a shitpost here and there, if it is constant, it just feels like you are treating him as nothing more than a joke. To me, he isn't a joke, he saved my life. I wouldn't have been posting on tumblr or anywhere at all since 2017 if it wasn't for him. So excuse me if I am a bit possessive over him.

Overall, I just wish people weren't so trigger-happy to take a contrary opinion as an attack immediately. I am not attacking anyone. You will never find me sending any hate DMs or Hate asks to anyone. I don't do that shit.

And if you hate me, you are free to do that too. I know that not everyone likes me. I know there are some people who wish I WAS dead. Or who think that I have ruined Mewtwo for them with my selfship. I mean, I got plenty of "Ew Bestiality" back in the day, if that is any indication. And it's not much of a change in the status quo anyhow. My own parents hate me, I got bullied in school when I was younger, so I am used to being disliked or hated. It used to hurt me back then, but by now I learned that giving a fuck really isn't worth it. I used to want to please everyone and make everyone happy. It used to destroy me when anyone told me they don't like me. Like, it CRUSHED me. But now? I realize that no matter how hard you try, you won't be able to please everyone. Some sadistic fucks may even get off on you trying that and failing. And many people I considered friends only turned out to just use me because of my people-pleasing tendencies.

So, fuck it. If the world is going to hate me anyway, the least I can do is to do whatever the fuck I want and whatever makes me happy. Deal with it.

[spengies]

Alright I am losing my mind and willing to look like an idiot today. I beg of someone, banter with me on this.

I am very into MBTI and Ennegream and all that and have come to witness most online depictions of online characters types are very heavily based off of the 16P tests or generic stereotypes, and because of this I've been going through and retyping characters that mean stuff to me.

I have repeatedly been stuck and infuriated by one character in particular though, Egon Spengler. And disclaimer before I continue, I am mostly talking on animated Egon, given the differences between the two as Movie Egon I can somewhat see INTP for but even then not entirely. But I will use examples from both Movie and Animated to further my point here.

Everywhere you look, no matter what, everyone types him as INTP, but for some odd reason I just can't see this, especially when looking into the functions. I believe most type him as this because INTP is the stereotypical "nerdy" type, but I don't see the functions needed for INTP reflected all that well in Egon, which are Introverted thinking, Extraverted intuition, Introverted sensing and Extraverted feeling.

For Egon funnily enough, I tend to see him with the exact opposite of all of these. I see Egon more as an INTJ, the other very braniac and logical type, more than INTP and here's why.

The first function of an INTJ is Introverted intuition. Egon through both medias in my eyes have been very much so about getting to one specific point. NE is like having one point, and branching out the millions of possibilities from it, where as NI is seeing all those possibilities and bringing it to the most logical point, and we at multiple times see Egon get frustrated when he cannot narrow things down. He does not deny the possibilities, but he always attempts to narrow down and bring things to his own point of inner logic, which he then almost always backs up with external logic, which would be an INTJs second function, Extraverted thinking. Egon cannot explain what is in his head and constantly has to have Ray or Peter translate his thoughts because his inner world doesn't make sense to the outside, and it's that external logic that everyone can agree on as fact that grounds his ideas. Not only that, but our first function is done almost blindly, subconsciously really, with our second function being our function were most proud of. Egon doesn't use any effort to push through these possibilities in his head nor does he even realize them, they just appear and he rolls with them, and then that TE comes out and validates his inner world and grounds him.

Someone used the example of Egon in the first movie proding the stranger in the hallway of Sedgwick as proof of Ne and Ti, but I think it's backwards. Egon pokes the guy, and reads his PKE, he can physically feel the guy, which is an indicator of him not being a ghost. The guy has no reading, another indicator of not being a ghost. These are factors Egon is breaking down to get to the singular point that this man is human (NI), not adding more items to the possibility he's not (NE), and then can easily use the TE knowledge of what a person is to go "yep, definitely not a ghost."

Egon also very commonly shows to be quite reliant on building on the works of others. Yes he does a lot of his own stuff, as any TE user could. But it's his NI, seeing the possibilities in these others works and being able to bring them to a proper point that I believe Egon uses. He's very reliant and feels very confident in Tobin's writings, the scales they use the classifying, is all in reference to Tobin. None of it is originally there's really, but he has perfected it. Egon is also very steadfast on the fact "magic isn't real" because magic cannot logically be proven to him. Same with aliens, they aren't real to him because there is no viable proof. These are things that cannot be broken down into logic in his inner world and then rectified by external logic. This is all NI/ TE. There is no fact, he will not entertain it. (Which is usually Rays entertainment, as he is an NE user in my eyes, Ray will look into the possibility)

Continuing on, the third function of INTJ is FI. Now, many people when they look at the feeling functions think that it is relative to specific feeling in general. Not entirely true. Both take into consideration public or social environments and the tone and moods set. FE users are more likely to act and cultivate a more positive response, or take into consideration another's emotions or feelings on something, which is something we almost n e v e r see Egon do. He's the one who will say weird things, and get weird looks, admit out loud someone may get hurt or even die, and his opinions are his and no one else's. This is not to say he doesn't care for others feelings, but when making decisions or actions, he doesn't always think too much on what he says or does and how it can reflect. And this very constantly causes him conflict, with Janine, with the other guys, with patrons, etc. Because the feelings functions are more so about ethics and what's "right and wrong", than actual feeling and emotions.

Now I think the most concrete fact I have here comes to Egon's inferior function, which for INTJ is extraverted sensing. Extraverted sensing is how one perceives the world in general, and those who are SE inferior, are blind to the world at times. Egon is the type who forgets to eat because he doesn't actively think of it, he lacks sleep because it's not of priority to him, he lacks proper care for himself and the world around him, because he gets so stuck in his own world, in his own work. We see him scared multiple times by the crew sneaking up on him while he's working, because he doesn't have the proper build up of SE to sense them coming. He gets so engrossed it's not funny. Now of course this is not to say Egon cannot use SE, inferior functions are not the same as say Trickster functions. Egon just becomes so focused on specific details, or trying to force his way in to often that he appears robotic and he makes those awkward interactions or misses lesser things to him because the external data can become to much.

Now I am not a professional, I am some nerdy idiot online who reads way to much into things cause I crave and enjoy logic, and I am posting this simply to get other people's insights and ideas on this character. MBTI is quite subjective, and the definitions for functions and types very so much I'm sure many of you will disagree with me and that's okay, I'm just asking someone to bounce back and forth with me and explain why they may or may not agree. Thank you :)

[privatejoker]

i am responding to what was presented through the lens of my personal lived reality as a vietnamese person. i live with this reality because i am alive anyway, detached and wounded as i and my family and culture are. to distort the reality by presenting it like this does in fact diminish the impact of genocide and war on my family in a way that is demonstrably detached from the historical, political context of it. the system that begot this and allowed kissinger to amass wealth at the expense of the global south is intact, but as has been demonstrated by scholars from the global south and its allies it is a system built to collapse.

in fact his loss in SEasia was a major political loss that caused a restructuring of what a war crime is even considered so that it would encompass the guerrilla warfare that was so effective. you do not actually seem to understand that justice was off the table. that isn't a loss. it just is.

"This post was made in response to seeing people ONLY celebrating he had died and not, as you noted, realizing that the violence he inflicted is still killing people and rendering entire sections of land unusable."

i understand where you are coming from, but from the perspective that my history, culture, and education have lent me i think this response is short sided, and positioning kissinger's colonial blood money that allowed him to live comfortably as a spoil of a victory he is entitled to is rhetorically bleak and frankly fucking disheartening to hear as a vietnamese person. dismissing my reiteration that people have survived, continue to survive, that there is marked and not insignificant hope is not radical joy it is me, a traumatized person trying to prevent people who should be my allies from making a cult of our suffering, from mistaking preserving the historical memory of this with retraumatizing us

if this seems minute to you, i don't know what to tell you.

to frame this as a claim of personal victory is frustrating, again, being vietnamese, because while this plays out on the personal level it is only a microcosm of a logical system that was designed for exploitation. maybe you are surprised and maybe you are frustrated but i am not. i understand that it is shocking and evil. i am only asking you to take heed here because i feel underrepresented in this discussion and your words have amassed a lot of traction.

when discussions of actors of genocides are limited to this kind of misery you do not give any humanity to the people who were killed by his actions, especially in the case of southeast asia in which we did in fact win, which is an emotional reality i don't know how to help you empathize with or understand without knowing what history you're familiar with. i understand the scope is larger. the rhetorical framing of victory or loss is pointless. it is a development of a system that is enacting what it was intended to do and it will fall apart and it does, predictably, time and time again

it's unfortunate that this left your sphere of control and i understand that getting commentary on posts you didn't intend to be commented on is upsetting but this response has also mischaracterized me and misunderstood why i decided it was necessary to comment.

As much as I want to be a wholly joyous about the fact that Henry Kissinger is finally fucking dead, as he deserves... There's a lot of me that can't help being upset with. With the fact that he lived to 100 years old. He got better medical care, better housing, and a better, more stable life for those 100 years than billions on this planet ever going to see and he did it specifically through exploitation, state sanctioned murder, and lies. He lived to 100 years comfortably on a legacy of violence that rarely threatened his personal comfort. I want to be joyous that he's finally dead, because the world IS better with him dead, but the reality is he won a long time ago.

[tehamelie]

Astrology SHOULD be Astronomy (Community 1.2)

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The show intro is here! Britta is a real girl now! Everything's in place and this space rocket is taking off. I guess I am doing two episodes today.

Community S1E2: Spanish 101

We open with a little linguistics wordplay as the dean launches into a PA announcement wanders through a long series of, what's the word? Something in Latin for that thing when a line of thought and/or conversation branches into a wildly unexpected direction and cuts off the previous branch. Non secateur, got it.

Abed likes to make his life feel like a TV show. He hates when people think he thinks things really work by TV logic. Meanwhile, Britta thinks people aren't upset enough about Guatemala, in the fashion of the most annoying and least productive kind of civil rights activist.

A lot of people would probably say Britta is a great character who'd be an insufferable person to be around. Me, I find I forgive her a lot because I remember the trauma she's dealing with all the time. I'll skip to season 3 for a moment to remind the readers who might not: Here we learn Britta was molested by a hobo in a dinosaur costume, and when she told her dad her dad took his side. On her tenth birthday party.

So consider how many of her questionable decisions might just be wild panic reactions against any figure of authority she perceives.

Jeff makes a thunderous entrance, and just now I realize there's a good chance he was waiting outside the door for a moment when everybody would be bummed out (a certainty once Britta started talking) so he could make them feel good about seeing him.

And he more or less spells out how he doesn't want to be involved with these people at all beyond having them help him with homework, and he makes them feel sorry for him! I don't know what it is with Jeff, I don't remember being quite so frustrated with his whole thing back in the day. Well, it was in the heady days of before 2016. My tolerance for lying has gone down.

But come on, he tells six people, five of whom are falling over themselves to be friends with him, that he's so sad and lonely because he has no friends that it's hard to be around them when they talk about their rich personal lives. At least Britta isn't buying any of it.

Because, right, as their ensuing conversation reminds us, 90% of Jeff's motivations at this point is getting Britta in bed. (The other 10%, to get a C in Spanish.) It's weird to see, with five years of them having a better relationship weighing on my memory. And it makes perfect sense that Britta finds it offputting and is so laser focused on cutting through all his crap.

Pierce comments to Jeff, "You can have her. I have less to prove." I mean, right there, it should be a huge warning signal that Pierce thinks you and him are the buddies in his buddy movie. Except Jeff has such a rudimentary sense of shame that being associated with Pierce doesn't bother him.

Okay before I turn into Chidi Anagonye I should mention the button on this scene, where Pierce goes "Heeey" at a random Hijabi walking by, made me laugh. Sure, her reaction is an empathic "Ugh", he is a narcissistic chauvinist who doesn't get at all when his advances may be unwelcome, but it's still a simple humanizing moment for him. At least he didn't pick up any of his father's racism.

Then we cut to the girls jumpstarting a protest action as a wholesome social activity. A rather elegant parallel to the boys' failure to launch "what the kids are calling a sausage fest", well, let's pick this up later when we see the outcomes of the girls' protest and the boys' rigorously planned social bonding exercise.

Now it's time to meet Ben "Señor" Chang. Not to spoil future plot points, but when we know he can not teach or even speak a pidgin of Spanish his whole act of being upset at the racism any hypothetical people who questions why a Chinese American teaches Spanish gets hilarious. Well, even more hilarious.

Educational factoid for this episode: The Great Wall of China is not visible from space, contrary to popular myths. But there is some works of man can be seen if you know what you're looking for, namely the massive deforestation efforts in Russia.

So the class gets an extremely simple piece of homework where the challenge should be mainly a) working with a partner and b) making a public presentation. And we get out first look at Starburns, the legend.

Abed trades shirts with Jeff so Jeff will get to partner with Britta, and the funniest part of his is how badly does Abed want that shirt? Britta has seen him lust for it for weeks which helps her stay a step ahead of Jeff. Once Abed has him where he wants him he demands the shirt right there on the spot. Why? It looks pretty silly on him.

And so begins the great, forced friendship of Pierce and Jeff, with some unprovoked overly personal stories from Pierce, reluctance from Jeff who maintains they can just do their very simple homework in ten minutes and get out, and a toast "to the empowerage of words". I think that bottle Pierce offers is some real strong stuff, 50% alcohol or so. Might be the best way to get along with either of these fellas honestly.

Pierce seems really sincere in his attitude that he wants to make an outrageous presentation, that he's not just massively overdoing it (starting by breaking down "what is a story?") to get to spend more time with Jeff, even though that's a fitting ironic punishment for Jeff who'd certainly do something similar if Britta was stuck with him. Although the reason he wants to blow Spanish class away is to make a good impression of the Hawthorne-Winger team which seems even worse. He's really committed to making people think of him and Jeff together, and even even worse, I think he wants that because he thinks it would help Jeff's image.

Over to the protest already in motion, with people having fun, eating brownies and playing music. Britta is having none of this tacky activism, but then, rather than Britta-ing the protest, she is humbled by the insight that Annie and Shirley's haphazard, spur of the moment protest with their poor understanding of the situation they're addressing and, err, a piñata in the likeness of a guy who was beaten to death is something and her feeling bad about people's suffering isn't anything, and she joins in. It's a beautiful learning moment.

Back to the boys, where the presentation is really coming together. It's "gratuitously critical of Israel" which sounds pretty good. Speaking as we were of murdered journalists. Troy and Abed stroll by and plan out and perform their presentation basically without slowing down, just to really drill in how super easy this should be.

Learning Britta is out there caring about stuff that Jeff can pretend to care about to impress her is his last straw. Before storming off he yells Pierce's presentation belongs in "a museum for crazy people" which is such a great absurd turn of phrase. Does he mean a museum of the works of crazy people? No, it's got to be for the crazies, by the crazies.

You've got to learn to be less polite to the Pierces of the world, buddy. Anything less than vehemently rejecting their creepy/misinformed/self-serving ideas only encourages them. I mean here Pierce was clearly under the impression they were both having fun and sharing and bonding. "You want to bail on our sausage fest just to see a girl?" I mean it's only when Jeff storms off it begins to penetrate Pierce's skull that he never wanted to be there.

It's annoying me now that I look at the amount of paragraphs I'm writing about the dual plotlines that the boys seem to get much more attention than the girls. Particularly Annie has barely received any characterization yet. But, I have hope it's going to even out over time.

Then again, Annie spends the big action scene here standing still with her mouth taped over.

Love the bit when Piece's whole arm goes on fire and his immediate reaction is to blame Jeff. Reminds me of a certain US president who's of the school of philosophy that if you can dominate your enemies with an argument then that supersedes any observable facts.

Annie does play the front stage in the next scene, reading the newspaper with Shirley and making plans with Shirley for their next protest, with Britta's blessing. Seems like these three have had some successful bonding without trying to make it a special occasion or even having much of a conversation. Yeah I told you I was going to discuss the parallels, but now that we can see the whole picture, I don't feel there's much to say about it.

The big twist, of course, when Jeff learns (in Britta's opinion) Pierce is a very sad and lonely old man he steps up and, in fact, shows her that he cares about something she cares about and joins willingly in Pierce's madness, titled Two Conquistadors.

The musical montage doesn't really tell us anything, but I imagine they're doing a dramatized telling of the entire history of both Spain and Mexico, according to Pierce who doesn't know anything about anything. Surely he's picked up a lot of weird pseudo-knowledge of racial stereotypes from his father even if the hate isn't there.

The greatest part is the slow closeups on Chang looking like he thinks, despite the ridiculousness on the surface of it, maybe there's wisdom in here, and grace, maybe some kind of holistic enlightenment, maybe the fellows have found the truth in a grain of sand. Which, of course, we then learn is not what he's thinking at all.

There's a dream of peace in Palestine, there's silly string, there's Annie taken hostage in a pretend canoe, there's shots every person in the class having complex emotions. And I had completely forgotten there's tin foil robots involved.

Jeff, after getting his F- for the presentation, in some misguided impulse to assert his masculinity tries to convince Britta he only did it to impress her and not because he felt bad for Pierce at all, but nope, it was all over his face and she knows it, and she has to resort to turning him down with the excuse that he acted so ridiculous it made him permanently sexually unattractive. This seems a little forced, a little too much of shoehorning in a "will-they-won't-they" plot. Or maybe I'm just over that plot.

Advanced Community proofs #2: The stinger to this episode is Troy and Abed's beatboxing Spanish word salad rap, which you probably remember. Did they know what an avalanche of memes they set into motion here? Probably not. It would still take a while to discover the deep, rich vein of comedy that comes out of putting Troy and Abed in the same room, and I seem to remember a lot of it came from this scene and seeing how people reacted to it. But still: Including the episodes with stingers this is the first one, and they instantly found a pure gold formula that allowed them to attach a free standing, infinitely memorable, infinitely memeable bit to any given episode. It was probably inevitable all along, but the seeds to six seasons and a movie are planted here. In the second episode.

[stardust-in-my-mind-blog]

always an ambush

my fear is often tangled in my resentments

and I like to avoid things that cause me resentment

seems like a symbiotic relationship

and I see why my fear loves to lurk there

because when I finally face something I avoid

then I can feel the shame and fear of not

realizing it sooner and blaming myself for the oversight

I don't mind conflict but I don't like it

get me in the right mood and sometimes I like it too much

I try to keep things playful to diffuse negative tension

some see it as not caring about the problem

but for me it keeps the hum of danger at bay

so I can think clearly and with curiosity

instead of the fragmented shards of experience

that I've had to collect and recollect perpetually

until I knew what the fuck was happening inside of me

mostly because I often can't trust others to stay

in a place of logic or balanced reason

I have a way of triggering people's insecurities

and let me tell you if I could change that I would

it's ridiculously inconvenient for relationships

but I am me and here I am

conflict often ends up becoming a ping-pong match of egos

and once mine gets stung I want to sting back

and a real nasty part of me wants to win at hurt

that's why I like to ask questions instead of give answers

I've already thought about my answer and think

you're likely not going to accept it due to

preconceived notions or assumptions or judgements

so I'll ask a question to bypass those manifestations

and force you to think even if you don't want to

I can see why my techniques are frustrating

trust is a process that is more like a clumsy dance

and my overthinking can get me into a lot of trouble

but I'm learning and you're learning

once I get hit by resentments and the fear starts bleeding

I try to find something else to focus on as a tourniquet

so I don't end up projecting something not meant for you

this is what I try to do even though I am not always successful

I like to know what I'm fearing and why it's there

I like to know why I'm resentful and what inspired it

it takes a little while to process and understand

but I get there and so it seems you do too

the funny little games we dismissive avoidants love to play

but at least we know if we didn't want to play

we just fucking wouldn't show up

and that's a comfort, isn't it?

[junebugwriter]

Impostor I

I've got the impostor syndrome bad tonight.

I wrote about it some on twitter, but I'll talk about it here some too. This space tends to be a bit easier for me to get complex thoughts out anyways, because longer form works better for my brain sometimes.

I have a lot of moments feeling like an impostor when it comes to being trans. I used to feel like I was an impostor just for being an academic, but writing a dissertation flipped a switch in my brain I think, saying "ah, yes, I am actually writing a book now as a scholar, I have Made It." But now, my insecurity is seizing upon being trans.

I don't feel like I'm "trans enough." And I know it's not exactly breaking new ground. Society tells me I'm a guy. My upbringing tells me I'm a guy. My body looks like a guy's body. I'm hairy, large, and overall have masculine features. But there's a lot of my body that's not masculine at all.

Take, for instance, breasts. I have them! I've had them since I was a little kid, because I've always been a bit fat. I've actually been quite sensitive about the fact I had them, because I was operating with the understanding that I Am Male and Male Manly Men do not have Breasts, they have Pecs. So I'd try to flatten them, I'd work out a lot, but nothing ever got rid of them, so I came to somewhat accept them. I even kind of got to like them, their feel, etc. It wasn't """manly""", but who cares about that, I have them, and I had to deal with that.

Also, my hips! I've got sort of a womanish waist. And I like my waist! It suits me, and that's great. Not """manly""", but it's cool, it's BONE STRUCTURE, what am I going to do about that? So I grew to accept it, and now I kind of like it!

If I had to hazard a guess, I'd say I might maybe produce more estrogen in my body than a """normal""" male body, but I won't know until my doc screens me for HRT. I'll put a pin in that, but it's something I think about!

But more than anything, in my brain, I *feel* like a I should be a woman. I identify more with women than with men, in general. I like playing female characters in games, and enjoy movies with more well-rounded and developed female characters. When it comes to attributes and behavioral trends, my behavior makes a lot more sense if I was a woman. I'm more sensitive, more empathetic in general, more submissive and accommodating. And yes, I do realize these are BROAD STEREOTYPES and are anything but scientific, or accurate. Yet I can't shake the feeling... I was meant to be a woman.

I feel that way. It's my brain. It's my heart. And I can't shake it.

But I still look and present as a man in my day-to-day. I'm not out at work. I hope, once I go on HRT and begin changing more of my appearance, the outside of my body will begin to match my insides. But I still struggle with feeling trans ENOUGH.

I just went on a whole ass description of how my brain thinks! And I still! Can't! Shake! The feeling i'm faking it!

What does a bitch have to do to feel like they are deserving of being trans?? Why can't I feel valid in my identity!? All I do is question, and self-analyze, and wonder, and postulate. (I'm a goddang theologian, it's what I do best.) But on and on, I keep circling. Yes. I am a woman. I am trans.

BUT AM I??

aaaaaaaaaaaaAAAAAAAAAAAA

It's so frustrating. It's illogical. I want to Spock my way to certainty in my gender identity. I want a math equation to settle the questions in my brain, the feelings of my heart. But life isn't like that. I've got to Kirk it out, and act with what's not only logical, but emotionally true as well.

I just... wish I could feel validation without agonizing all the time.

[autodialog]

Looking forward to brighter days

I'm not ready to talk to you yet.

I know. I'm still patient. You're processing a lot.

I've tested positive for COVID.

I know.

For EIGHT DAYS IN A ROW.

I can see why you've been hesitant to talk to me.

EIGHT FUCKING DAYS

Now, be fair, you only tested on Saturday, Tuesday, and Saturday. You may be in a COVID loop with your wife.

That doesn't make things better. I'm never leaving this house again, am I?

There you go being a fatalist. You will, one day, leave the house again.

Really?

Maybe feet first on a stretcher.

Aren't you a barrel of laughs today.

Okay, so sarcasm isn't going to get through to you. You realize that everything is temporary, right? Nothing lasts forever.

I won't live long enough to prove that.

Nobody will, but we have it on good authority that entropy will win in the end. We can't stop it. You won't be stuck in the house forever. You know that. Is it reasonable that you're now permanently sick? Have you ever recovered from diseases?

You know I have, but not this one.

You lasted three years before you got hit. It was stupid trusting to go out unmasked after the mandate lifted. Yet you did it. You made a mistake and this is the natural consequence of it.

Yeah, that makes me feel better about this whole mess.

What it means is that you are practicing voluntary discomfort.

This is rather involuntary.

It doesn't have to be.

What?

Think about it. One of things you've cooked up is an experiment to see how well you could survive in a single room for 30 days. A bed, a computer, a bathroom, a guitar, and a place to exercise.

And books.

Yeah, yeah, books. You can't live without your library. I know. You've had this idea in your head for a long time and you solved a lot of problems, like where your meals would come from.

Only that meals would be delivered. I never really thought about laundry, either.

There are clothes that can wash in a shower. No worries there. You came up with this idea as some sort of performance art thing. You've let it play in your head multiple times. I've watched it over and over again. Well, now you're living it. Only you aren't alone. You have a wife.

She's a little frustrated, too.

As long as she's not frustrating. And even then what are you doing to make her life easier? Are you actually folding the laundry you're doing or just leaving it in the dryer? Are you cooking anything or are you letting her do all the cooking again? Are you cleaning? You are expecting a visit from family and your house is a mess. Are you ready for them to show up and get the tour?

No. I've cooked a few meals, but no, I'm not.

So you have a place to improve. You can't go out to eat, so the logical necessity is dishes will need to be done more often. In fact I think you loaded the dishwasher but didn't actually start it.

I did not.

Another place for you to improve.

What are you trying to pull here?

I'm trying to kick you in the metaphorical ass because you're being a whiny bitch and maybe some tough love is what it will take to get you to behave like a human being. You can still do almost everything you want to do. You can still play guitar. You can still write. You can still read. You can even play that stupid Minceraft game.

Minecraft.

I know what I said. You can probably even take a walk outside if you don't get near people. That would require you to wear socks, though. How are feet doing? Still swelling?

You know it.

Because you're wallowing in this misery and I'm sick of it. Get out of here and go do what you need to do. I'm going to take a bath.

You're a mental construct, a part of my head.

Or are you a part of my head? The inner child I have to shepherd to adulthood?

Hey now....

See, you're getting pissed off at being called a child. You were always angry over that, even when you were a kid.

So, I should stop being a shit about things and do what I can.

Exactly. COVID is slowing you down and giving you coughing fits and the sniffles but you've got it relatively easy. You've lost your upper range. So what? It will come back or you'll learn to sing as a proper bass.

I've got things to do.

I know you do.

[chaotic-autumn]

feeling absolutely feral about the moment Stede finally realizes he's in love with Ed, get ready for some Thoughts

i've mentioned before how much i love the reading of Stede's character as autistic (and just generally how neurodivergent coded he and ed are) and I think interpreting his character this way makes the payoff of this Epiphany moment even more powerful. (might make a separate post on rom com plot points in ofmd sometime because i am unhinged about that too)

And it's SO important to me that this moment isn't played for laughs, because I am so sick of "neurodivergent-coded people Not Understanding Stuff" being a punchline. It's NOT written like "oh haha you dummy, DUH it was so obvious" (i mean maybe it is a little but in an affectionate way), we have compelling narrative evidence to justify why Stede doesn't understand that he's falling in love (and that Ed loves him back). And that makes it so so beautiful and affecting when he finally gets it.

An important coping mechanism for ppl with social anxiety/who struggle with social interaction is to really analyze the logic and intention behind social customs/things people say/etc. And it can be such a big EUREKA! moment when you do figure out the subtext/purpose of an interaction. Like for me realizing that the goal of small talk isn't to learn how the other person feels about the weather, it's a way of saying "i am acknowledging your personhood by acknowledging that you have feelings about the weather, that this experience, though trivial, is shared" made small talk SO much more bearable for me. (i mean sometimes it's still excruciating but at least now i get that it's not Pointless)

ANYWAY, we see Stede doing this in Episode 5 when he's explaining aristocratic social life to Ed:

"...and dining is pageantry." (sorry for the mediocre screen grabs)

And we see that even though he understands it, he doesn't feel comfortable with it or fit into it naturally, and he empathizes with Ed's struggle to learn the unspoken language of high society. (eg. "That's diabolical"/"It is") In fact Stede's whole storyline in this episode is basically about how much he empathizes with Ed's experience of trying to fit in with the "upper crust", and finally being able to turn the tables on the people who were mean to Ed, the way he couldn't as a child when people were mean to him.

But there's a limit to the helpfulness of this! Because ultimately emotions aren't always rational, and it can be really hard to interpret/accept your own feelings. Especially when you can't refer to an existing experience of times you felt/dealt with similar feelings. And that is frustrating and can be painful, and that pain can lead to avoidance/redirecting that pain.

(personal example but like: I spent so much time as a teenager getting so mad at myself for how IRRATIONAL all my hurt feelings and intrusive thoughts were, and that just contributed to the negative self image spiral. And it felt like this endless and unbearable cycle so I just constantly tried to distract myself with schoolwork/tv/etc)

We see Stede having this reaction a little in Episode 2 with Nigel's "ghost" (ie. a representation/manifestation of his guilt and self-doubt):

And then the elder hits the nail right on the head right here:

Stede feels guilty about Nigel's death, but Mainly (like fundamentally to his character arc in this season) he feels guilty about leaving Mary and his kids. But that guilt hurts too much, he doesn't want to think about that AT ALL, so he thinks about Nigel instead.

Now obviously he hasn't met Ed yet at this point, but this gives us as an audience important insight into how he deals with intense or frightening feelings (by avoiding them). This episode is also a crucial part of establishing the depth of Stede's self-doubt, which contributes to him not seeing that Ed is falling in love with him. I think that is linked to Stede not recognizing his own feelings for Ed, because overall he's just blind to the possibility that love is what is happening on either side of the equation.

And ESPECIALLY in the context of the queer experience it can be even harder to interpret your feelings in the love and relationships department because there's less language to explain it & fewer examples of it to help you conceptualize that "it's love" is even a possibility. Stede has never loved anyone romantically before, so he has no point of reference for what it feels like. Presumably, until becoming a pirate he hasn't seen examples of queer romance, so he has no script for what that looks like to refer to either. Basically, until the "what does it feel like to be in love" scene, Stede has no context to help him understand ANYTHING he has gone through emotionally since meeting Ed.

It's also significant that Mary is the one who describes love to Stede. Not only because of the closure the scene brings to the narrative by absolving Stede's guilt over leaving her, but because her relationship with Doug is hetero. It's permissible, it's familiar, it's instantly recognizable. She never says "I'm in love with Doug", Stede just knows. When she describes what love feels like, she's describing the internal experience of something that Stede has witnessed throughout his life but never been able to empathize with. And in that moment it clicks for him -- he DOES empathize with what Mary is saying. That is EXACTLY how he feels about Ed. (Because despite stereotypes, it's not like people on the spectrum are incapable of empathy, it's just that it can be harder to achieve because it's harder to interpret/extrapolate other people's emotions)

All of a sudden everything just makes sense. He's seen love but never known what it felt like, he's felt love but not recognized it. But hearing Mary describe it finally helps him put those two things together. He is in love with Ed. All those things people do for love in books that he could never quite understand? He gets it now, he can see himself doing those things because he is in love with Ed. The excitement and fear and confusion and intensity that has overwhelmed him these past weeks? That was LOVE. FOR ED. mother. fucking. EUREKA!

and and and AND in a meta sense, the epiphany Stede has kind of mirrors the audience's reaction to the scene. All those little moments he's flashing back to? Those were signs. That he was falling in love with Ed. Of course that's what they were, because we KNOW what romantic love looks like. We know how writers and directors and actors depict it on screen. and it is (or at least can be) no different between two men than it would be between a man and a woman.

This moment even more than the kiss to me was vindication for all the queerbaiting I believed could be queer representation. for johnlock and destiel and everything else. I wasn't crazy for thinking this line or that moment could be meant to signal romantic love. Queer romance that is just as layered and angsty and joyful and central to the plot as straight romance can exist on TV. Queer stories that aren't just about the characters' queerness but don't ignore it either CAN get made. We will put neurodivergent, queer people of color on TV.

And that's how this show increased my faith in humanity and revived my passion for my chosen career. Thank u for coming to my ted talk.

TLDR; Stede couldn't recognize what love looked or felt like until Mary spelled it out for him, and the way the writing links this inextricably to the trauma of growing up queer and neurodivergent in an unaccepting world makes me want to cry

a disclaimer for all my autistic stede posts: i am not autistic, i am a very Social Anxiety & Depression ADHDer. if you are autistic pls lmk your thoughts and/or if something i've said is insensitive or just Not Right

[i-rationality]

Hello! for the longest time I've thought that I'm just "not good" at math, and that I'm just a creative type or something, but for the past few years I've been trying to brute-force my way through math drills and stuff to improve because I want to go into a STEM field. I've found that it doesn't work. I have, however, gained a kind of Stockholm syndrome for math, and I find myself wanting to know *more*. I feel like I'm missing out on something way beyond myself but idk where to even find that. So here i am. Asking a blog on tumblr for the secret math knowledge. If you have any resources that i could read about math that isn't just "here's how to do this" i would really appreciate it!!!

First of all, complete props to you for giving something that doesn't initially appeal to you, in this case, maths, a chance. Mathematics can be frustrating and even annoying, being an oftentimes nit-picky field. You can quickly realize that these are also the traits that grant the satisfaction and euphoria of mathematics. So don't forget to be proud of yourself for not disregarding mathematics as a whole and actually giving it a go.

Second of all, creativity is very necessary for maths. It is a shame that the educational system doesn't do maths justice (A Mathematician's Lament by Paul Lockhart is exactly about this). Mathematics is presented as something mechanical, force-feeding formulas and having students repeat them to find adequate results. That is not a fair portrayal of mathematics.

Different people will have different conceptions of what the learning of mathematics is or should be - I mean, for god's sake, mathematics hasn't even been defined properly and one expects people to know what to do with it. I can only tell you what I conceptualize mathematics, and its learning, to be. For me, mathematics is the boring work of examining multiple results and cases of the same formulas, it is the finding of patterns and attempting generalizations, it's the excited scribbles of formulas and the necessity of looking at a particular scenario from multiple perspectives. Most likely, the generalizations won't come easily, a minus sign will be forgotten making the following calculations obsolete, an approach to a problem will prove fruitless, and laborious work will be done only to find out there was a specific theorem that would have shortened the whole process. Patience is required for maths, and hopefully, you can now see that creativity is too, there is no shortcut to knowing where to look or what technique to utilize. As is the case with most worthwhile pursuits, and as you know from experience, mathematics is endlessly frustrating, but that also means it is endlessly fun.

Now, I do not have any secret math knowledge (or do I), what I can do is present you with some things that fascinate me and have led me to love mathematics as much as I do, outside of the conventional mathematics curriculum. 

Maths really comes down to practice, practice, practice... as many other things. I heavily encourage you to start playing around with mathematics a little bit. Olympiad mathematics kind of do that, (I, very conveniently, have a lot of posts about that.) as do many other math competitions. Maybe try out some exercises from your national olympiad and, with no judgment, because this is just to have fun, play around a bit. Disregarding the conventional maths you know, test out your logic, laugh at mistakes and losses of time, and feel that happy rush when a conjecture you reach, or part of it, is correct.

In terms of the resources, I opted for a mix of funny math history moments and some actual mathematics, in no particular order. Prepare for confusion. ↓

0. How Mathematics is enjoyable

No better way to start than with the reasons mathematicians decided to dedicate a good portion of their lives to the subject, or why some people just enjoy mathematics. This is something that greatly interests me, I always love to see people’s passion for their interests, hence this post, where you’ll find many people’s reasons for enjoying mathematics. 

Andrew Wiles answers “What does it feel like to do maths?” - (video) - Andrew Wiles is a mathematician who proved the theorem which had been taunting mathematicians for centuries, famously known for being the subject of the third point of this same post, explains peoples’ distaste for maths and his own experience with the subject.

YouTube Stories: Learning Mathematics with Wootube by Eddie Woo - (video) - Eddie Woo is a wonderful mathematics educator as well, who videotapes his lessons (available on Youtube). This serves as an introduction to him and his channel.

Mathematics is the sense you never knew you had by Eddie Woo - (video) - In his TEDx Talk, Eddie starts by explaining his distaste for maths in his school years, mentioning his low scores and lack of interest, and how, despite this, he ended up as a maths teacher.

Reddit asks: “Why do you love maths?” - Another compilation of people’s explanations for their mathematical interest. Wholesome content ahead.

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1. Intro to a new perspective on mathematics

Taming, claiming and reframing the beast that is mathematics  by Vinay Kathotia - Small article related to the portrayal of mathematics by most and by mathematicians themselves.

On proof and progress in mathematics by William P. Thurston - Mentioned in the previous article, 17-page 

Anyone Can Be a Math Person Once They Know the Best Learning Techniques by Po-Shen Loh - (video)

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√2 . The Pythagorean Cult

I’m sure you’re aware of Pythagoras and his fetish for right triangles, but do you know about his weird cult? That’s right, Pythagoras was the founder of Pythagoreanism, a cult based on the teachings and beliefs held by him and his followers, the Pythagoreans. - very original naming ik.

Here’s and article about them. A really popular myth related them is the throwing of Hippasus into the sea as a punishment for “believing” (i guess) in irrational numbers.

The unreasonable man by Vinay Kathotia, further explores the irrationality of the square root of 2, allegedly identified by Hippasus, providing some proofs of it. 

Proof: √2 is irrational by Khan Academy (video) - Because Khan Academy rarely misses.

The Madness of Pythagoras by Kayla Mahoney - Did you know Pythagoras refused to eat fava beams,  because he claimed they contained the souls of the dead? Now you do, and there’s no going back >:).

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2. The base tools of mathematics

Introduction to Mathematical Thinking by Alexandru Buium - Pretty self-explanatory title, simplistic and general apprach to mathematics starting with the essential, logic.

The Five-fold Path to Mathematical Wisdom by Vinay Kathotia - Article about five different approaches to mathematical problems/representations.

How to think like a Mathematician by Kevin Houston - Really useful book, starts with certain study skills and develops to the logic involved in mathematical thinking, explains theorems, definitions and proofs! Highly reccomend.

How to Think Like a Mathematician by Eugenia Cheng - (video)

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3.  "I have a truly marvelous demonstration of this proposition that this margin is too narrow to contain."

Yup, this is about Fermat’s Last Theorem, which took 350 years to be proven.

I’m guessing you’ve come across some jokes about it, how could one not. Essentially, in the 1630′s, our man Pierre de Fermat jotted down the conjecture (fight me, no proof no theorem) that states that no three positive integers a, b, and c satisfy the equation a^n + b^n = c^n for any integer value of n greater than 2, along with the sentence "I have a truly marvelous demonstration of this proposition that this margin is too narrow to contain.". The paper which contained this was only found after his death, and, as far as we know, he never got around to actually writing the proof. Because of this, we call this statement Fermat’s Last Theorem.

Andrew Wiles was who ended up proving Fermat’s Last Theorem, in 1993, after six years of working secretly on the problem. (Imagine your dirty little secret being working on revolutionizing an entire field of study, what a guy honestly.)

Fermat's Last Theorem - The Theorem and Its Proof: An Exploration of Issues and Ideas [1993] - Documentary about the theorem and its proof, as told by Andrew Wiles himself.

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4. Functions

Honestly functions are just a very needed side of mathematics that can be applied to pretty much everything. You’ll find them in your average mathematics curriculum and in your everyday life, if you know where to look.

Introduction to functions 

Introduction to Mathematical Reasoning - Numbers, Sets and Functions by  Peter J. Eccles

Functions in the Real World - Education World

- This is definitely a more theoretical part of the list, I am sure you’ve encountered functions before and the resources you have musn’t be terrible. Look into these if you find the necessity, but again the “math secret” really is practice. They can be interesting reads though.

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5. Möbius strips and Klein bottles

The wondrous world of ✨one-sided objects✨.  Learn about these cool looking objects and the field they originated, topology.

The Mathematical Madness of Möbius Strips and Other One-Sided Objects by  David Gunderman and Richard Gunderman 

Intro to Topology by Alex Küronya - Decently advanced maths, I don’t know what level of maths you’re learning, but honestly only read this if you have a pretty thorough backgroung in maths and you’re enrolled/very interested in the field.

Möbius Strip - Cool graphics, cooler maths.

Klein Bottles on Numberphile - Because Numberphile never misses.

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6. The Chicken McNugget Theorem

Yes, you did read that right, No, this is by far not the only theorem with a weirdly funny name*. This theorem derives from a 1800′s math problem.

Explanation of the theorem by Xavier Lien

Chicken McNugget Theorem - Art of Problem Solving

Another explanation, if needed by Mike Beneschan

*Proof: Reddit asks: “ What's the funniest theorem name you know? ” - Literally a gold mine, read this. 

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7. Godël’s incompleteness

One of the essential works of Modern Logic. His theorems destroyed the search for a mathematical theory of everything, at the mere age of 25.

Gödel’s Incompleteness Theorems -  Stanford Encyclopedia of Philosophy

The paradox at the heart of mathematics: Gödel's Incompleteness Theorem by Marcus du Sautoy @ Ted-Ed (video)

How Gödel’s Proof Works - Quanta Magazine

Gödel: His Tragic Life Story by Aimee Lamoureux - (TW: Sensitive themes)

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8. Mathematics is an art, actually

I’ve seen many people stray away from the sciences because they’re “creatives” or “arts people”. Hopefully you’ve gotten at least a glimpse of the creativity needed in mathematics - if you didn’t, that is totally on me and I’m sorry. 

I don’t doubt that you may be a “creative type”. We actually need creatives, more than anything, in this field. I thought the perspective of mathematics as an art mignt be a good ending note.

Why Math is an Art, Not a Science by Peter Flom

Why the history of maths is also the history of art by  Alex Bellos - He also wrote the book  “Alex’s Adventures in Numberland”, which I own and have read. It’s a pretty sweet book, it has my stamp of approval if you’re interested.

Math and Movies (Animation at Pixar) - Numberphile - On the mathematics behind the art of animation.

Art and Math: Aesthetics of Calculations by Rute Ferreira (DailyArt Magazine)

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Besides this I’m also leaving a list of youtubers/authors that are worth looking into. :) 

∞. General resources:

Math-related Youtube:

Numberphile - Have different concepts explained to you in a seemingly personal and almost always funny manner.

3Blue1Brown - Maths explanations paired with excellent visual representation of the concepts.

Reducible - As they put it “Reducing problems to their simplest form.”. Also paired with really good animations.

Websites:

Art of Problem Solving

Blogs/Articles:

Cantor’s Paradise - I’ve linked a few articles published there throghout this post. Essentially, different authors publish math articles in this online space, varied and generally well-written about topics.

Alex Bellos for The Guardian - Puzzles and mathematical articles.

Mathblr Blogs - Check the notes of this post to find a lot of them.

Games:

Nerdle - Math Wordle

(...) - Please reccomend more resources below, I’m not the most well-versed on these subjects.

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Hopefully, you now find maths a little sweeter, funnier, or comprehensible. As with most things, people lead math discovery, and there’s absolutely no reason you’d be unable to be part of that group. 

Mathematical problem-solving is something really frustrating but also immensely fun and rewarding. Please look into it, be it olympiads or general problems you find online, don’t take yourself too seriously and have fun with maths! Mathematics doesn’t judge, people do. I wish you well on your math journey! Hopefully, you’ll love it.

P.S: Feel free to add to this post with any math stuff you think is interesting. The more, the merrier!

[matan4il]

I'm not saying I love the donor storyline at all, but it is what it is, so I gotta wait for the payout. I hated Eddie leaving the 118 last season also, but the payoff was good. For me, at this point, I think it's more that it was told messy. I imagine they wanted it to be the cliffhanger? But by doing that again told messy. Here are my reasons...

Eddie, I actually don't fault his initial reaction for 2 reasons. In his world, "sperm donor" isn't exactly a word that would tackle you. He's besties with Hen and Karen, after all. Second, he also found out in the same moment Hen has known. So Buck chose not to tell him. I think no matter what, it's logical for him to have been shocked and taken a moment to get to the real issue of it it all.

Maddie, see above because it applies to her. Sloppy pacing of a storyline because they want her reaction for the back half.

But the biggest issue is Buck because I don't understand what he's thinking. I walked away thinking he sounded naive, and that made me disappointed. The impression that he will golden retriever out and over step with them. However, I wasn't sure last season how he would react to Eddie leaving, and he exceeded my expectations there, so fingers crossed.

I guess I could be wrong but I'm just trying to give some hope to anons. Last season had the same pacing problem to me also. I'm not sure I love this new style.. The potential of the arc though could lead to some pretty amazing thing though.

If the idea is bringing Buddie full circle, then it has the makings of a pretty good confrontation between them finally. But maybe I am being just as niave as Buck and will hate to conclusion too. Till then, I remain hopeful.

Hi Nonnie! Thank you for the ask.

Regarding most of this, all I can say is I agree, and it's a part of what's a bit frustrating about this storyline. Regarding Buck last season, I think it's implied he was a little lost puppy in denial for a couple of months that happened off screen, between 510 and 511, and where 5b entered is exactly when he was starting to accept that this was really happening. And then he got drunk, and while drunk, kissed Lucy. Which, I kind of find it amazing to see I'm getting more asks about the donor storyline this season than about her last one, and maybe a part of it is that it didn't stretch for as long? Maybe, IDK, but I guess it says something about how much the sperm donor storyline is stirring people up. But absolutely, remaining hopeful is a good way to go about it!

If I may, I'll also add in this ask with some similar themes:

I get people being frustrated with the Buck storyline. Trust me, I do, and I am. However, now that it's here, I'm hoping it could very angst. You write so as a writer can't you see what the potential could be.

For instance, we meet Conor in Buck Begins when Buck discovers he was "born for defective body parts." Now, if something happens to the baby, it will just reinforce the idea. Especially having Conor word it like that, I came and asked you for bodily fluids.

Finally, Buddie talking about the will revelation. Eddie not understanding why Buck doesn't realize he's a father. Buck expressing he feels he's a back up plan.

Or you guys were talking Fried Green Tomatoes the other day. Could be as soft as just that scene where Ruth offers to leave so Idgy can settle down, and she replies I'm as settled as I want to be. In Buddie terms it could just Eddie being like why are you giving up your chance as a family. And Bucks response is like Idgys, I already have one.

Again, I have no clue how this all goes, but now that it's here, I hope we get some sort of scenario like above. I'm not trying to make it all about Buddie, but those boys need an intervention!!

Hi Nonnie! Thank you as well.

I wanna start by saying that, while 911 is def not the Buddie show, it’s totally okay if that is the main thing for you. The way I see it, life is hard enough as is. Fandom should bring us joy and a bit of rest from the hardships. So whatever makes you happy about the show, is legit. If it’s only Bathena? Legit. Only Chim? Legit. Only Buddie? Also legit. It is an ensemble show and that’s good to keep in mind for your own adjustment of expectations, but if you want to? You’re absolutely allowed to wanna focus on Buddie without having to apologize or explain that. And yes, they do need an intervention.

Now as for the sperm donation story, looking at both of these asks together, it sounds like maybe there's an impression that I’m very upset by it. It’s incredibly kind of you both if you wrote me to comfort me by offering ways that it can be good, but I’m honestly not that upset. I wouldn’t be posting about this storyline that much (or maybe even at all) if I didn’t keep getting asks about it. I’m not very fond of it, there are parts that are frustrating because I'm not fond of the direction, and 'coz even if the show was gonna tell the story, it could do a better job of it, but I also don’t think it’s a disaster, and I believe how I’ll end up feeling about the whole thing overall depends on how things will unfold in 6b. And I have said that there are good directions this could go in, but yeah, it really all depends on the resolution (like many stories TBH... sometimes a story starts great and then the resolution is so bad, it ruins all of the good build up). Which brings me to what I always say about speculations, that I prefer to stay away from them. I don’t wanna build them up by dreaming about all the good stuff a story can bring, I don’t wanna get depressed by thinking of all the ways the story might disappoint me. I’m okay with stating how I feel about what we’ve seen so far and then just... waiting and seeing what happens next. I do think remaining hopeful is a good thing! And I'm happy to be sharing your asks so everyone can see the potentially positive things that might come our way in 6b.

I appreciate your kind anons! And whatever you do or don't celebrate, have a great day! As always, here's my ask tag. xoxox

[emeraldcoloured]

AU where The Big Bang Theory isn't low key sexist & scared of gay people where Sheldon Cooper is gay, let me elaborate

- So basically Sheldon spent MANY seasons being completely unbothered by girls & physicality. And I KNOW this is because of his neurodivergent nature, I am neurodivergent too and I relate to him on many levels. But!!! It would make so much sense to me if he came out as gay. Is this because of the fact that Jim Parsons is gay and my brain now associating to this thinks that Seldon could be gay too? I don't know! I was just thinking about this...

- Like for seasons he would be oblivious to why he isn't feeling anything towards girls.

- And since the show started at a time when queer people weren't talked about in public as much, but reached a time where they (we) now are, he could start learing about the LGBTQ+ community by just simply reading stuff on the internet or watching shows, or seeing gay couples in comic books.

- Maybe in one of his favourite TV shows a gay romance would unfold, and while he would still be against any form of human touch, he would realize that the scene is oddly comfortng to him.

- Or maybe Howard would make fun of a queer scene in a comic book, and Sheldon would et really defensive, and destroy his friend wit logic and mean words - but would be a little more defensive than usual.

- He would dream about these gay scenes a lot, and he would probably believe that he has simply gone insane for obsessing over such a stupid thing as TV/comic book romance.

- And then after driving everyone around him crazy be telling them that he has lost his mind, he would finally have a heart-to-heart with Penny who would be very understanding towards him and would tell him "Sweetheart, I don't think you've gone crazy, I think you are just gay, and there's nothing wrong with that."

- Eventually Sheldon would come out to Leonard who would be extremely supportive & tell him that he isn't uncomfortable. (Sheldon would obviously tell him in a very straightforward manner that he isn't interested in a short, lactose-intolerant man who's work is basically just a joke lmao - we all know his standards).

- I can totally imagine Leonard getting offended and saying that he would make an amazing gay lover - to which Sheldon would reply "don't be ridiculous"

- Howard and Raj would't find out instantly because Sheldon is afraid that they would make fun of him. Bernadette would find out through Penny after a while though, and she would tell Howard, who would start to feel bad remembering how he made fun of Sheldon in the past for seeming too gay, etc. Howard would tell Raj, and that is the point where they would go over to Sheldon's and tell him that they know, and it's ok, and they would apologize and promise not to tell anyone if he doesn't want that.

- Sheldon wouldn't really know what to say, but he would thank them for being discreet and understanding. (People at the university don't find out until he gets a boyfriend - and even then only a few select people, since when appearing together, him and his bf would act professional and distant, and only after a looooong long time would they finally be out and proud and hold hands in the cafeteria and stuff)

- He wouldn't find a boyfriend for a long time and wouldn't really find anyone attractive - he would probably think a few very specific fictional characters would be ideal to him if it came to finding a partner tho.

- Eventually Howard & Raj would find him a parter the way they originally did with Amy in the show, when they started to feel bad for Sheldon being alone, they registered him for a dating site without him knowing. -They get together eventually and the rest is history <33

- One more thing about the university, I could imagine Sheldon growing frustrated by comments he hears behind his back, speculating, etc., and one day he would flip out and shout to the entire cafeteria about how he has a boyfriend and he isn't araid of people finding out since he is still the amazing genius he always was. People would ofc be shocked by the sudden outburst, but everything would settle back into normal pretty soon.

- Everything in the show would be the same, (but without the sexism and homophobia, racism - y'know a person can dream). It's just that he wouldn't slowly grow comfortable with a relationship thanks to Amy, but thanks to man. There could've been so many cool storylines and emotional scenes regarding his coming out...

That's it, thanks for reading my rambling. Maybe I should stop binging that godforsaken show...