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k7l4d4 · 3 years ago

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Midnight Striga: Fairy Tail/Owl House Cross Fic Episode 5 Part 10

Hello, and once again, I welcome you to Midnight Striga. Please, enjoy.

Perry Porter strode into the Covention Center, eyes easily panning across and compartmentalizing the tragic sights around him, a skill he picked up by virtue of sheer experience. Clinically, he noted the amount of bodies present, living and dead, as well as the brow-raising sight of what could only be human corpses, if the ears were any indicator. He felt a sinking sensation within his stomach; whatever had occurred today would rock the Isles to its core, of that he had no doubt.

Shaking his head, Perry scanned the crowd again, eyes widening at the sight of a hand waving him over. Rushing over, he slid to a stop in front of his son, Augustus; his silly, energetic, passionate, brilliant son, Augustus, alive and well. “This is Perry Porter, on the scene saying,” He started, before pulling Gus into a hug. “I am so happy you’re alright.” He sighed, relieved, feeling Gus relax into his grip.

“I-I am really glad you got here so quickly dad.” Gus choked out, a light sprinkling of tears in his eyes. “A lot’s happened, and I really, really want to talk with you about it, but something more important came up, and I think you can help out, you know?” He put on his bravest smile, trying to hold in the scream that was building ever since he had managed to process that yes, everything that had happened to today was all but over.

“I really think it would be best that I try and talk with you about what happened here,” Perry began, before noticing the stubborn expression on his son’s face, “But I can see that you won’t budge on this. So, shall we?” He calmly asked, gesturing for his son to lead the way, which he did with a beaming smile.

As they walked through the clinic, Perry idly noted the general behaviors of the people around him; there was his son’s friend, Willow Park, tearfully talking with her parents, a relieved smile on her face. There were the Blight Children, the two eldest tightly squeezing themselves around their younger sister, a baffled look on her face. He saw the crowds of crying, pleading, nervous faces all around. As his son led him into a backroom of the small clinic that had been established, Perry came face to face with three figures; the Emperor’s Coven Head Lilith Clawthorne, Eda the Owl Lady, and a human girl, all seated around a central table, gesturing for him to sit. As his son quickly saw himself out of the room, Perry had the sinking suspicion he was in a bit over his head.

After they explained the situation, as much as they could at least, Perry took a deep breath, holding in a sigh. They wanted his help to spread this information, which he could see the basis behind it- a group that invested this much effort into an attack wasn’t going to just stop and people needed to know about them- but the sheer depth of this reveal would completely change the social landscape of Bonesburough. “Very well, I agree to help with this. Do you have a plan for how we go about this?” He asked Lilith, who seemed to be trying a bit too hard to hold authority over this meeting, despite the lack of resistance from the other two.

Lilith nodded. “We have two real options at this point.” She said, holding up two fingers for emphasis. “We can either do multiple takes and present them later, or we can have this meeting broadcast live as breaking news.” She ticked off the options on her fingers, a grave look of contemplation upon her face. Lilith pursed her lips. “Personally, I favor the second option.”

That caught the group by surprise. “Huh, I honestly thought you’d prefer to get this all perfect and have it presented later.” Eda commented, arching a brow.

Lilith snorted. “Please, sister, give me some credit. The longer we go without addressing this, the more severe public unrest and hysteria will become. While the release of this information will certainly have its own consequences, those are still preferable to the people being left in the dark, and drawing more unsavory conclusions.” Lilith calmly stated, gaining impressed looks from the others.

Perry calmly assembled the equipment he would need, adding in his own take on the situation. “While an official report would normally be prepared by the Emperor’s Coven,” He carefully ignored Eda’s derisive snort, “that would be contingent on them possessing factual information to present. Without it, anything they provided would be woefully inadequate for informing the people. While a Live Report of this interview will most certainly cause a stir, it will ultimately be a mere fraction of what would result if the Emperor’s Coven issued a report that ultimately proved to be false in some capacity.” The group blinked, but, after mulling it over, agreed with what he said; it made sense, if people placed trust in an organization and it failed them, whether as a result of malice or otherwise, there would be backlash.

Perry clapped his hands. “So! Let’s begin, shall we?” They all shared a look, and nodded.

As they gathered around the table, Lilith leaned forward. “Now then, human, it’s time for you to answer my questions. The People of the Isles are dying to hear what you have to say.”

Luz gave a challenging grin. “Ask away. I’m all ears.”

Taking that as his cue, Perry started up the broadcast. Turning the camera to himself, he began, voice grave. “To all the citizens of the Boiling Isles, this is Breaking News, Live from the Covention. I am Perry Porter, reporting on behalf of Emperor’s Coven Head Lilith Clawthorne.” He paused, allowing the prepared footage to play across the crystal balls of all watching; the broken walls and shattered stands, the caged prisoners held under guard, and the bodies of all those who’d died, some gathered together for examination, others… not so much. He continued. “Today, tragedy has struck. For the first time since Emperor Belos’ ascendancy, an organized attack on our people has been committed. Of the over 2000 attendees, approximately half have been slain, and a third of the remainder have sustained moderate to severe injuries. Many of them were children. Of the 300 Coven Guards assigned to the Covention, over half of them have died, with all but a quarter sporting severe injuries.”

“What is most shocking, however, is that those claiming responsibility, a group known as the Black Dog Squadron, working on behalf of a group or individual known as Oroboros, are humans. That’s right, humans!!” Perry exclaimed, milking the drama a bit more than he liked, but needing to keep the audience invested; tragedy could only captivate for so long. “During the attack, all displayed some form of magic, but none, bar a handful who commanded Plant Magic, utilized any of the Nine Magics. How is this possible? Why did this happen? What will we, as a society, do next? To help answer these questions, Lilith Clawthorne has initiated an interview with a human who fought on behalf of our people, one Luz Noceda.” He knew that the girl’s image was now emblazoned across every crystal ball on the Isles at this very moment, leading further weight to his broadcast, in theory at least. “I am here with Coven Head Lilith herself,” He indicated the prominent Witch, who raised her hand to the audience. “To broadcast the interview to you all. Please be advised, some of what may be discussed may be shocking to some viewers.” With his part finished for the moment, Perry fell silent, allowing the broadcast to focus on the interview, more of an interrogation really, going on in the room.

“To ensure that what you say is true,” Lilith began, cutting right to the chase. “I must insist that you swear an Unbreakable Vow to that effect. This way, none can claim you are attempting to deceive us. Is that acceptable?” She asked, holding her hand out to begin forming the spell.

Luz raised an eyebrow, but saw no problem with the spell. She shrugged. “Sounds fine to me.” She said bluntly, prompting a nod from Lilith as she formed the spell. When the circle was completed, the two shook hands through it, sealing the oath. Luz was blissfully unaware of the shock rippling through the Isles, as now none would be able to refute or deny her words without looking insane or foolish. She had effectively solidified her legitimacy irrefutably in a single instant.

“Excellent.” Lilith replied, a grim smile playing across her face. She began. “First of all, I must ask, for how long have humans been capable of magic?”

Luz gave a shrug. “I can’t give you an exact figure, but at least 700 years, most likely more.” She said, unaware and uncaring of the shock that erupted at her statement. Even Lilith wasn’t totally immune, managing to school her features, expertly concealing the bewildered shock at the girl’s reply.

Lilith cleared her throat, forcing her instinctive urge to dive into the historical implications of that statement. As calmly as she could, she continued. “I see. How is magic utilized in Human Society?”

Luz tilted her head a bit. “You’re gonna have to be a bit more specific than that. There are a lot of Human Societies, all of whom have magic capable individuals, and all have their own ways of doing things. A benefit of being the dominant species in our world, is that we can afford to divide ourselves into a LOT of individual cultures and communities.”

Lilith paled at that, unable to stop the question that bubbled up in response. “Just… how many humans are in existence, exactly?”

Luz pondered that for a moment before replying. “I can’t give you an exact number, but I’d say there’s about several hundred million of us. Our world is big, and there are very few places we can’t survive on it.”

Internally shaking her head, and forcing herself not to focus on all the implications that came to mind, Lilith continued with her questions. “What is this Oroboros that the attackers claimed to be working for?”

Luz’s eyes sharpened, a burning hate filling her eyes, enough that even those watching at home suddenly felt very unsafe at the moment. “Oroboros is a criminal organization; specifically, they are the single largest Dark Guild active in the world right now. Oroboros prides itself on its ability to seize control and orchestrate things to its own benefit, without any regard for the harm and chaos that erupts in their wake. Cruelty and brutality are prized and cultivated among their members, almost as much as magical power is. No crime is too heinous, no line too sacred for them to cross.” She hissed out, the pure malicious hate coloring her tone forcing Lilith to gulp in nervousness.

“I see.” And Lilith did see. She had personally borne witness to the aftermath of that cruelty and indifference; however, Luz’s response brought another question to mind, one she felt she needed an answer to. She narrowed her eyes. “Edalyn told me you would be an excellent source of information for this. So far, you have proven to be so, even if my questions have not been exacting enough to gain satisfactory answers as of yet. But that response of yours has me thinking. How do you know about Oroboros, Miss Noceda?” Lilith inquired, eyes focused.

Luz raised an eyebrow, stood up, and turned around. After ensuring her back was presented to the broadcast, she reached back, and pulled down at the back of her outfit. Seared into her flesh lay a symbol, a serpent arranged into a Sideways eight, biting its own tail. “I used to be a member.” Luz said, voice dead and hollow. She turned a heartbreakingly sad smile towards Lilith. “Specifically, I was a member under protest.”

“Elaborate.” Lilith ordered, voice hard and unrelenting. She could feel the urge to bring out her staff and blast this child into oblivion, but tamped it down. She didn’t have all the information yet.

Luz gave a chuckle, bitter and full of the kind of spite that made people glad for what they had. “Oroboros has no limits to what they are willing to do, and that extends to what lengths they are willing to go to for recruits. Whenever someone with a useful skill or magic appears in their information network, they send out recruiters. For those with a few too many morals, such as myself, they like to employ a more… decisive argument.” She turned an empty smile upwards, oblivious to the daggers Lilith was glaring her way. “Oroboros kidnapped my sister, and used her as a hostage to keep me in line.” Lilith froze, unblinking.

Luz continued, oblivious. “Whenever I talked back, Vee was beaten. Whenever I failed an assignment, she had a bone broken. Whenever I completed a job, she got a good meal, after having been starved and deprived of water to just short of death that is.” She smirked, an angry, tired thing. “I hated myself. I wanted to die. I only kept living for her. And then she died; one of her guards decided they wanted to have a little fun with her, and the next anyone knew, the guard was dead, and my sister had a knife in her liver. I was free in the worst way possible.”

Stunned silence rang throughout the Isles, such that even Lilith herself was rendered speechless. Forcing herself to speak, Lilith asked the next question on her mind, one she felt the Isles would wish to know. “Should we consider this an act of War from the Human Realm?”

Luz blinked. Then, she laughed; a deep, cackling laugh filled with so much loathing and misery it was genuinely astonishing a living being could make such a sound. “No. Or at least, not the way you’re thinking. Oroboros is in no way affiliated with any form of Government or Ruling power. It’s a criminal organization that supports itself alone.” She gave a poisonous smile. “While I have no way of knowing if any Human Governments know about the Isles, I can assure you that none of them were involved in this.”

“Well, that’s something good at least.” Lilith said dryly. “What can you tell us about Oroboros in regards to how it is structured?”

Luz leaned back, gathering her memories on the subject. “Oroboros originally began as a Dark Guild that took jobs that other Dark Guilds shied away from, stuff that was extremely messed up and depraved in what was involved to go about them. When the big three Dark Guilds were dismantled, Oroboros clawed its way to the top of the heap after all the infighting died down. After that, they started breaking down and assimilating other Dark Guilds that they thought might be useful. You actually met one of them out there.” Luz offhandedly mentioned.

“Truly?” Lilith broached.

“Yup.” Luz nodded. “Before they became the Black Dog Squadron, the Squad was originally a guild in its own right, Barghast. Barghast was a mercenary guild at first, selling the services of its members as soldiers and fighters to the highest bidder, with an emphasis on fighting in wars. But when the local groups started fighting less, Barghast decided it would be better to start the wars they fought, and sell their services to both sides to keep the conflict going longer.” Luz smiled at that. It was not a nice smile. “When their little scheme came to light, they were branded a Dark Guild and went on the run, before being absorbed into Oroboros.”

Luz leaned forward. “Oroboros likes to present itself as one big unit, and while it can act like one in the field, Oroboros is full of splintered factions and units. The Black Dog Squadron is one of the neutral factions, actually; they don’t care which faction is using them, just as long as they can cause as much suffering and bloodshed as possible. I was an unaligned member, mostly because none of the Squadrons trusted a conscript like me not to stab them in the back, so I didn’t really work with any of the Factions or Squads outside of being paired with them for missions. My jobs were assassinations, thefts, and… less savory things.” Luz admitted, eyes downcast. Tears pooled in her eyes, dripping onto the table.

Lilith pursed her lips, feeling unwilling to judge the girl for compromising herself in the name of her loved ones; if anything, she was impressed the girl had the sense of self not to justify the atrocities she had done as anything other than what they were, a means of sparing the life of her loved one at the expense of others, and felt remorse over having done so. Still, she had two pressing questions to ask. “I must ask, you keep referencing Oroboros as a Dark Guild. Just what is a Guild?”

Luz slumped, feeling spent from the roller-coaster of loathing that always came when she thought about… all she had done. “Guilds are the Human Version of your Coven System, if far less restrictive. I won’t go too far into it, that would take way too much time, but Dark Guilds are essentially guilds that flout the laws that govern what Guilds can and cannot do, and actively have their members engage in crimes. If I had to give a close equivalent, Dark Guilds are basically for us what an Assassin Coven or Thief Coven would be for you. An organized effort to commit crime with little to no regard for who would be hurt as a result.”

Lilith felt a chill run up her spine at the thought. The idea of the Coven System being twisted like that, perverted into a warped, criminal mirror of itself, made her shudder; the implications of what such a thing could do, producing criminals whose magic was specialized to enabling criminal acts… it was a horrifying thought. Lilith swallowed, before jumping into her last question. “I thank you for agreeing to this; some of what you’ve revealed could not have been easy for you. But… I must ask you this; can we count on you to aid us against Oroboros?” She peered forth, unknowingly mimicking the apprehension of many of the citizens watching.

Luz gave her a smoldering glare. “You don’t have anything to worry about. I’ve already seen enough misery because of Oroboros. I won’t let them do as they please anymore, not while I can do something about it.” Luz paused, a thought coming to mind. “Huh, this reminds me of something my teacher said while I was training.”

Lilith raised any eyebrow. “Oh?”

Luz gave Lilith a soft, tired smile. “Yeah.” She reached up, rolling back her sleeve; Lilith recoiled at the sight. From her elbow to her shoulder, Luz’s arm was a maze of scar tissue, deep gouges and rents woven through the veil of poorly healed flesh; the fact she could use her arm without issue was awe-inspiring, when one considered the pain she must feel every day from such an injury. “I got this when I first tried using my Magic in a combat situation. I was fighting a monster that was bothering some of the fields near the village I was staying at during my training. I had barely been training for a week, having only just barely made a proper spell for the first time less than a day ago. The monster dashed me against a cliff, driving my arm so deep against the stone that it started scraping bone. If my teacher hadn’t intervened, it would’ve eaten me.” She turned to Lilith, sober eyes burning with shame. “I was an idiot. My teacher made sure I remembered that. What they said to me that day, I’ll never forget.” Luz leaned back, before reciting something with the air of quotation. “‘Magic is an unreasonable force. It is wondrous and horrific. It cares nothing for good or evil, or the intentions of those who use it. If you wish to put your skills to such a task as fighting for truth and justice, grow strong. Otherwise, you’ll never be anything more than prey for those with less moral compunctions than you.’” Luz gazed fondly at the ceiling, tears pooling at the memory. “Ever since that day, I swore I would never let myself be too weak to stand up for myself, or what I believe in. I would be strong enough that I could protect others, but also to protect myself.” She gave a chuckle. “Things didn’t work out too well for that promise.”

Lilith just looked on with pity, before turning to Perry. “I think that would be a good point to end the interview. At least for today.”

“Indeed.” Perry nodded. “Well then, you heard it here first, Citizens.-”

“What are you doing?” Lilith queried.

Perry blinked. “I’m… ending the broadcast.”

Lilith shook her head. “Not yet. I still have one thing left to do.” She beckoned her sister forth, who had been silently looking on as the interview went on. Eda’s mind was brimming with questions for Luz, but she was willing to put it aside for when they got back home. For now, she had her sister to deal with. Lilith gazed upon her sister, an unreadable look in her eye. “Earlier, when you defeated me in a Witch’s Duel, your request for your win was that I would tell the truth about your curse to the public, dispelling the official story. We even swore an unbreakable vow over it.” She held up her arm for emphasis, her arm flashing with a white ring. An ominous smile graced her features. “Well, I do believe a live broadcast all across the Isles is certainly public, wouldn’t you agree?”

“Yeah, it is. And I’m glad you’re not putting it off, I am! But… are you feeling okay sis? You seem a little out of it.” Eda asked, genuine concern coloring her voice. The hysterical laugh Lilith gave just added to that concern.

“Oh Edalyn, if you only knew.” She said, wiping away a tear from her outburst, before sobering. “But then, I suppose you will in a moment.” Turning to the broadcast, Lilith braced herself, fully willing to bear the backlash her actions would cause against herself and the Coven from this. “Citizens of the Isles, I, Coven Head Lilith Clawthorne, stand before you to reveal a bitter truth. For years, the story of the Owl Lady has been told, how her defiance and dismissal of the Coven System was punished by the Titan. That story… it is a lie.” She bluntly stated, almost feeling the gasps rippling through the Isles. “The Emperor’s Coven itself has no knowledge of how Edalyn was cursed, but it was most certainly no work of the Titan, or its will.” A mysterious smile, almost beatific were it not so filled with pain, crossed her features. “The one responsible for Eda Clawthorne’s curse was a witch. Specifically… the one responsible was myself.” Lilith felt more than saw Eda freeze up beside her. She could see it now on Perry’s own face, the look of horror, accusation, dumbfounded shock.

Lilith turned to Eda, feeling an almost spiteful glee at the look of horror, denial, and hurt that crossed her features. “Y-your lying, Lily. You-” Eda stuttered (Edalyn stuttered!), denial and shock filling her voice. Lilith slowly stroked Eda’s cheek, an almost tender gesture.

“Edalyn, we both know that, for all your hatred of the rules and authority, you are far smarter than this. You know I can’t be lying.” Lilith said, just barely loud enough for the broadcast to pick up. “Think about it, you’ve surely pieced it together after all this time. Who else could’ve gotten into your room to curse you? Who else would’ve had reason to curse you?” Eda shook her head, denial still burned across her features, backing away from Lilith.

“Why?” Eda hissed out, forcing it through the denial. “Why would you do this!? To me!? TO YOUR FAMILY!?!?” She screamed, hurt and rage finally making themselves known in full.

Lilith chuckled, the same bitter, empty laugh Luz herself had used previously when discussing her failings. “Because you were going to win, dear sister!” Lilith cried, almost relishing the horror on Eda’s face, were it not for how sick she felt at it all. “We were set to fight for a place in the Emperor’s Coven, and you would win!! I knew you would!! You were the prodigy, the gifted genius that everything came so easily to when you bothered to try, the powerhouse who could already level buildings at the age of TWELVE!!!” Lilith felt the tears coming, the bitter, hot tears of her own weakness surging forth. “I was the one who wanted to serve the Isles, I was the one who wanted to help people!!!! You only cared about joining the Coven so you wouldn’t have to give up any magic! So why should I have given up my dream, my future, for you!?”

“I ONLY WANTED TO BE PART OF THE COVEN TO SUPPORT YOU!!!” Eda cried, her own angry, hurt-filled tears flowing. “All I wanted was to support you, to give you the future you deserved!!” She shook her head, anger and shame filling her heart.

“I KNOW!!” Lilith shrieked. “I Knew it then, and I know it now!!” The tears were like waterfalls now, bitter pain coating her every word. “But I couldn’t accept it, the idea that you, someone who so effortlessly and deliberately flouted the rules, would have what I wanted, what I dreamed of! How could I have known that you would forfeit, how could anyone!? A position in the most prestigious and influential of covens, and you throwing it away for me!?” She shook her head. “No. I didn’t believe you could be that selfless.”

Eda gave a bitter snort. “And I didn’t believe you could be that selfish. I guess we were both surprised.” Not staying to hear another word, Eda grabbed Luz, who wordlessly followed her, and stormed off. Luz shot Lilith a look of empty disappointment. It was exactly what Lilith deserved.

Lilith turned to the still running broadcast, a blank smile on her face. “And you’ve heard it here first, folks.” Lilith mockingly imitated the standard reporter line. “The Enforcer of the Emperor’s Will is a cheat, scum who would betray her own family, and a fraud. What a shocking revelation, is it not?” She wandered off, tears still streaming. Perry wordlessly cut the broadcast. He suddenly felt the need to give his son the biggest hug of all time.

All across the Isles, people were reacting to the horrifying news. Some focusing on some parts over others, of course, but none could deny that the Special Report was on everyone’s minds.

“This is unacceptable!!” Kikimora cried, frantically pacing in front of the Emperor’s Throne, heedless of her standard deference. “How could Coven Head Clawthorne reveal such sensitive information through a broadcast of all things!? Your Highness, this mutiny cannot stand!!” Normally, Kikimora would never be so blatant and emotional in front of her lord, but she felt now, of all times, was the best moment to voice her worries.

“Hmm… it seems I must adjust some of my plans.” Belos murmured. While Lilith publicly revealing the secret she so fervently guarded was certainly a surprise, if anything the revelation of her obsession should make her even more fervent in her future attempts to apprehend her sister. The revelations of Human Realm Magic now infesting his realm… oh he would definitely need to broach this carefully, but his ultimate goal remained unchanged. Wild Magic would be PURGED from the Titan, that was non-negotiable. But the revelation of Human Magic would certainly prove a useful tool for later…

“My lord!?” Kikimora frantically pleaded.

Hunter contemplated the revelations he had just witnessed. Humans were capable of magic, something deemed impossible. If it was possible for them… could it prove possible for himself? Something to think about for later. Right now, he had to attend to his Emperor. He owed the man everything, and this did not change that fact. He would probably have to keep a closer eye on Lilith though,

Alador calmly adjusted the latest adaptation to the Abomiton project, carefully tuning out his wife’s frantic screams and rage. She would burn herself down, if not out, in a little while, and then he would intercede. For the moment, he needed to properly calibrate the Coiled Composition System, truly a marvel really; if it worked properly, even the lowest quality of Abomitons would be a force to be reckoned with.

Odalia slammed herself down across from Alador with a huff, blistering rage burning in her eyes. “Well, at least now we know who our mysterious clients are.” She bit out, forcing herself to calm down with a cup of tea. Alador merely raised an eyebrow. He would see what she said in full, before replying. Odalia chuckled, a nasty, angry sounding thing. “It truly makes sense, you know. Such mysterious customers, wanting such a variety of goods and supplies! And they turned out to be murderous criminals. Fitting.”

“Will we stop supplying them, then?” Alador faux-absentmindedly asked. He had a feeling as to what she would say, but it was still imperative he hear it in truth first.

Odalia snorted. “No. We’ll keep selling to them. We’ll just covertly sabotage the goods we grant them, and use our dealings to pump them for information. Once we’ve gained everything we can, we use the resources we’ve acquired in our dealings to crush them.” Her eyes sharpened. “They endangered our children. Our FAMILY. They will not be allowed to survive for this offense.” Alador gravely nodded. Oroboros had made a crucial mistake already. They’d tried to challenge the Blight family, and harm their children. There would be a reckoning for this sin, of that neither Blight had any doubts.

Raine Whispers was conflicted. On the one hand, they now knew who had cursed Eda, and their heart went out to their old flame about what she must be going through. On the other, more clinically minded hand, the revelation that Humans could wield magic was in itself a massive blow to Belos’ authority, particularly in regards to his edicts on magic and the Titan. It was certainly something to explore for the future. For the moment, they had to get to their meeting. If all went well, they would finally, finally have prospective members willing to step out of the shadows with them. To be honest, that Katya girl had seemed almost too eager to join up, but they would at least give her a chance to step back and explain before making… hasty judgments.

Eda slammed the bottle of Appleblood back, her tears pouring down as fast as the heavy beverage went down her throat. It still hurt. Luz cuddled up to her, lending a comforting presence, King sitting on her lap. Words could wait. The three of them had enough pain to work through. Eda allowed a small smile to cross her features. At least they had each other to share the burden.

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miekasa · 4 years ago

Note

do share your thoughts on the SnK final chapter and ending if you read it! <3

OKAY!! Here are just some of my thoughts, none of which are uniform lmaooo and are subject to change if I think about it long enough <22 lots of stuff I haven’t completely figured out or reconciled with yet, but here we go

Eren’s death

I wanted him to die, and one way or another, he was destined to die; so this is kind of the ending I asked for.

I wanted him to die for a few reasons, most of which revolve around my desire for him to finally rest and not have to shoulder all the burdens that have been put on him for any longer. So, his death definitely did that for me, and I wouldn’t change it.

BUT it was heartbreaking to see that, for once, he genuinely did not want to die, and wanted to have time to spend with Mikasa after everything. Eren has asked to die multiple times in the past, and his death was inevitable at some point in time; so to see that in his final moments, he finally said/realized he didn’t want to go made it so bittersweet.

The thing I’m happiest about the most is that he achieved his original goal: to kill all the titans. As a titan himself, he was always a part of that plan, so, again I’m okay with his death. But it’s a twisted, beautiful sort of tragedy that in wanting to kill himself to achieve his dream, he found a sense of personhood that made him think life was worth living [even if his goal wasn’t achieved].

Another important reason I believed he needed to/should have died is because I didn’t want him to have to suffer at the hands of any other government or empire again. Even if none of the shit with Marley or the other nations happened, and he found away to “free” everyone without murder, the government of Paradis wouldn’t have trusted him. They never really did.

Eren has been locked up and/or under constant supervision since he was 15. And when he wasn’t, it’s because he was kidnapped and somebody else was preying on his death. Even when he desperately pleaded to help and showed that he wanted to use his titan to help, he was treated like a criminal, and less than human.

You can’t... you can’t treat a kid like that and expect him to turn out normal 😭😭 or to not want to go to extremes, or to become a pacifist, or to spinelessly hand over his own life and ambitions. (Honestly... think he should have started with murking a few people in Wall Sina, but whatever 🙄)

This is all to say, that if he continued to live, free of the 13 year curse, he wouldn’t have been free in any nation. He probably would have been executed, or at the very least, locked up until he died. So, I’m happy that he was able to die at his own hand (and Mikasa’s, too).

Eren’s character

I obviously still love his character, and I don’t think his actions in the final season ruined him for way. There’s a lot to come to terms with, but I like that about him. I’ll work through all the details one day, and I’m okay with that. In fact, I don’t think Eren even ever got the chance to figure himself out independent of his titan.

His secret keeping was questionable, but not out of character. He’s always ruminated until he figures something out, or gets stuck and needs help—he’s always had the whole thing about doing everything on his own.

Until that one conversation with him, Mikasa, and Armin after the fight with Jean in s3. I’d always read that as him beginning to understand that he didn’t have to everything on his own, and that he was going to be relying on his friends from thereon out. But, sometimes, I feel like that realization got erased...? I don’t know, maybe the more I think about it, the more it’ll make sense, but that’s one part I’m still working through.

The only other thing I didn’t understand is how he got so smart LMAOOO. His plan and actions required quite a bit of thought, foresight, and sacrifice that he’s never really shown before; at least not to this degree. Like I said though, if you factor in how his was treated, and how his life always had an expiration date, it begins to make sense why he was so quick and insistent to act, so it’s not completely out of left field for me—and I could even make the argument that he wasn’t really that smart and was just as impulsive (ish) and hot-headed as he’s always been; but like I said, I’m still figuring it out. Not sure what it was that awakened his braincells but I’ll get there LMAOOO

Eren + Mikasa

Fuck y’all I like Eremika goodnight. I can’t help it, I’m a simple bitch: I see childhood friends to lovers, and I fold. You should too smh.

I... don’t think the little cottagecore timeline from 138 was out of character for either of them. I see the arguments that it was, and that’s cool, but I see it as something very real and plausible.

Eren showed that he did all of this to ensure that even if he couldn’t bring peace to the whole world, at the very least, he could do his best to make sure his friends live long, happy lives. An alternate way for that would have been to give Mikasa the opportunity to spend his remaining years with him.

Eren has always done his best Mikasa and Armin, even if his methods seemed harsh or apathetic. The way I see it, running away with Mikasa in his final year is not only becoming and telling of the kind of friend/person his is, but it would have been his way to atone for being an idiot and not acting upon his feelings [in a more traditional sense] earlier.

He knew either way it was too late, but he also knew that he owed her—and himself—even a piece of peace before it all ended, whichever way it was going to end. And I think that’s a part of Eren’s character that’s often overlooked.

Mikasa’s ending

I think that Eren ultimately killed himself, but it’s undeniable that Mikasa helped, and I’m glad she did. If Eren was going to die by anybody’s hands, I wanted it to be Mikasa’s or Levi’s.

I think Levi would have been symbolic, given his speech in the courtroom in s1, about how killing Eren is the best he could do, and that there was no in-between. But I’m happy with Mikasa doing it too, because, in a way, I think she ended up being able to do the one thing Levi didn’t have the physical strength left to do. I also like it as far as Mikasa’s relationship with Levi goes; she kind of becomes him in this complicated way, and it shows how far they’ve come in terms of trust. They’re a pretty good team.

I don’t see why anyone would give her shit for sitting at Eren’s gravestone. It had been only three years since he died, and regardless of the amount of time that had passed, if it was the anniversary of his death, that’s a perfectly normal thing to do...? So many people hate her for being in love Eren and I don’t get it. She’s just mourning, and she’s well within her rights to do so.

Actually, I think that Mikasa being shown to have loved and mourned for Eren so outwardly were the most profound displays of bravery in this whole series.

It takes so much courage to love, especially in her world, but Mikasa has never shied away from it. I would even go so far as to argue that she is the character with the strongest sense of self and self-worth. I don’t think people realize how much it takes to know anything about yourself that assuredly—so many characters are left with unanswered questions about their world, themselves, and their place in it—but Mikasa has always known that she loves Eren.

That’s an insanely hard thing to know and to do. And she wasn’t blind about it either, nor did she believe her love was unconditional (and if she gets shit for having hope for Eren, then so should Armin, but we know why he doesn’t get the same heat for it). She heard out the concerns of her friends, she let go of the scarf, and she killed him in the end.

I would have liked to see her talk to Kiyoomi again, and perhaps see her being associated with that nation/country/whatever it was. But she’s still thee baddest bitch and the best girl.

Levi

WE IN THIS BITCH!! WE ABSOLUTELY IN THIS BITCH!!

ROUND OF APPLAUSE LADIES AND GAYS AND THEYS FOR THE MAN, THE MYTH, THE LEGEND HIMSELF!!

If he died, I would have rioted. On god.

This is the EXACT ending I wanted for him. I’m so happy that he gets time to rest knowing that none of his decision were in vain; and that he shouldn’t regret anything he did.

l know the wheelchair was literal in the sense that he was injured, but I also think it’s metaphorical in that he no longer has to standing on his own two feet, and carry everyone on his back. For once, for fucking once, he can literally sit back and read a fucking book in peace.

Also Gabi and Falco taking care of him is so fucking cute, I loved that so, so, so much.

Others

I don’t think Hange needed to die, goodbye. I get why they did, and I’m glad they went out in a way they wanted do, but that doesn’t mean I’m happy about it BYE.

Pieck is far too sexy for her titan to have been that ghastly. Porco, too. Speaking of Porcupine, I fucking love him. I didn’t think I would like him this much, but I do, and now I miss him.

When did Connie get so s*xy

I stand by the belief that this wouldn’t have happened with Erwin around—and for the worse. Yes, I think Hange waited longer than they should have to act; but I understand they were overwhelmed, and had a lot of responsibility, and regret, clouding over them.

That being said, I think Erwin would have been 10x worse LMFAO with all his secret keeping and mystery. With all the shit going on, all the information being revealed to Paradis, and with Eren’s own secret keeping, I don’t think Erwin’s character and way of planning would have been conducive the new environment. RIP tho Erwin, you a legend for the shit you did, big ups on that my guy.

I... guys, I like Reiner. Like, a lot. What goes on.

I still hate H*storia and I think she caused a lot of problems that could have been resolved relatively quickly if she left 😐😐 yeah, yeah, girl power or whatever, but I don’t like it. I don’t like her. Bye.

I have more thoughts on Marley and the other nations, but that’s a whole separate rant that I will spare you from for now

#anonymous #snk spoilers #aot spoilers #aot 139 #snk 139 #sometimes.... i have thoughts 😌

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cassyapper · 4 years ago

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OKAY IVE ACTUALLY PLAYED TWO SESSIONS SINCE MY LAST POST SO IM GONNA COMBINE THEM HERE SORRY FOR THE LENGTH BUT,,IVE COME SO FAR I DONT WANNA STOP NOW

this is gonna be very messy cause i WILL be jumping back and forth as things come back to mind so uhh pls enjoy this absolute ramble <3

anyway. i continued playing omori and boy do i have some Thoughts

so first session; i went through the pyre(something i forgot the full name sob) forest/sprout mole village/sweetheart’s castle in one go and let me TELL YOU. DOING THAT WAS FUCKING INSANE I WENT NUTS holy shit.

so anyway.

pyre forest!!!! the lil race against the big spider coming after u for disturbing the smaller spiders mechanic was very fun i had a lot of fun figuring out the best routes to take. i know normally mechanics like that lead to ppl getting frustrated cause u have to keep retrying but i had a lot of fun!!!! sum annoyance but good natured type, th kind that just makes u try harder u know? i just enjoyed it JKFN;FN; candles in the foggy forest....now That is an aesthetic

the rare bear scared the fuckin shit out of me i remember it didn’t attack me straight away so i was like “aw (:” but then when i press x on him it takes me to a BATTLE SCREEN AND SUDDEN THAT MF IS TERRIFYING I WAS LIKE WHWHWHWHWKJDNJ. very funny i honestly wished i recorded my reaction

also omori is afraid of drowning...................................i am breathing heavily. i think whatever happened to mari is related to at least one of the things omori is scared of. so either heights, spiders, or drowning it seems. spiders doesnt seem super likely as a contributor to her death, and while falling from a height is more realistic, such a senseless way of dying doesnt seem to rlly fit ? with the vibe i get from the kiddos in the real world. which makes me think maybe drowning/otherwise suffocating is how she died...but we’ll see. also due to the forgotten library part, we know omori explicitly feared spiders/drowning before mari died so it’s also probable im jus talking out my ass here but still,,,,thoughts

also this motherfucker?

literally fucking terrifying. IT’S BODY IS MADE OF SUCC’D SPROUT MOLES...i still have no idea what exactly it was doing to them but jesus h christ!!!! evil and fucked up. do not feel bad for curbstomping it

sprout mole village!!!! very cute, im v excited to send that one dude his brother’s care package. i like how, when theyre not lost, sprout moles can be real endearing lil guys,,,theyre not my fav lil enemies but (:

also for some reason omori is the first game ive played where i really care about getting achievements ? so i literally did the back and forth on my save file just to get all the season sprout mole achievements JKDJFJ;. i ended up sticking w spring tho before moving on for real cause spring is my fav season irl (:

also i felt SO BAD for cutting down that one sprout mole’s chistmas tree he was just trying to celebrate but i wanted to see that present and coincidentally becoming a christmas ruiner was an achievement so all’s fair in love and war i suppose

ALSO. th fuckin plant monster thing under the scientist sprout mole’s room. major little shop of horror vibes from the design, absolutely adored it!!!!! originally i did just cut the wire holding the piano over it, ending it in one go, but i was very curious abt it so i reloaded a save file to actually fight it and

i know it only spread that gas to make the kiddos happy cause being happy reduces attack i think ? it decreases attack/defense but seeing the kiddos smile so much was nice (:

however

omori...sunny....son boy.........u good ?

and now. sweetheart

the way the sprout moles completely adore and depend on sweetheart gives me such awful evil vibes and combined with such a luxurious background was fucking incredible

sweetheart herself, speaking of. bitch (sorta affectionately, certainly not derogatory)

i talked to every sprout mole in the audience before taking my seat and i literally dont know why. even when i picked up the pattern of where the unique dialogue could be found (usually the sprout moles farthest right) i still talked to all of them......just in case ? i have no idea. i dont know why i did that. i feel it’s important that i note it tho

LMAO SO WHEN SPROUT MOLE MIKE DID THE MINUTE OF SILENCE FOR YE OLD SPROUT MOLE

I LITERALLY FELT SO FUCKING BAD LMAO I WAS LIKE OH MY GOD NO!!!!!! I DID THAT!!! I KILLED HIM!!! OH MY GOD!!! I WONDER HOW AWKWARD OMORI KEL HERO AND AUBREY FELT IN THE AUDIENCE HOLY SHIT THEY HAD FRONT ROW SEATS TO SPROUT MOLE MIKE’S MOURNING!!! MY GOD FJKFN;;

also sprout mole mike describing 3′7″ inches as ”towering” was the FUNNIEST shit i have ever seen. also i have to wonder, since sweetheart made up the whole show of sweetheart’s quest for hearts in the first place, if she was seriously down to marry a sprout mole if one suited her fancy. jus v funny to me honestly. SPEAKING of sweetheart’s dating patterns I NOTICED THOSE FEM SKELETONS IN THE DUNGEON!!!!! BI SWEETHEART!!!! SHE’S JUST AS DOWN FOR GIRLS AS SHE IS BOYS

i know TECHNICALLY not everyone is in the dungeon for failing to be a good enough suitor but STILL...COME ON. THIS WAS BEFORE WE KNEW THAT. SWEETHEART BI I WILL DIE ON THIS HILL

anyway

when the lights when out and lightning struck the third contestant, i knew Immediately something was gonna go down. and when the mustache sprout mole was like “oh yes!! u!! in the striped pjs!! u absolute beast ur perfect!!!” i KNEW hero had just been selected as the replacement i was goign completely fucking nuts i was like OH MY GODNFNG; HIS HEART IS ALREADY TAKEN BY MARI!!!!!!! STOP

i ended up taking so many screenshots during this part cause i was going feral so here take a glance just cause i love, uh, hero

OUR HERO IN SHINING ARMOR DJLBH;KFJB

also GOD FUCKING DAMMIT IM SHORTER THAN HERO

hero shaking on the stage when he was introduced...oh my HEART....IM SO FOND FOR THIS BOY WTF!!!!! DKJDN;N

this is not really NEWS to me since it’s implied hero is tall but like come ON..... sorry just every time i find out a character is explicitly taller than me i need to huff about it, moving on,

HERO FUCKS

sorry i just have so many screenshorts during this aprt cause i was going fucking crazy but

literally terrifying! sweetheart bathes in that shit!! christ!

is blood good for ur skin? i imagine, so long as like...gore isnt in it and it’s solely blood it cant be BAD necessarily......but good ? regardless very fucked up. besides the fact that well, uh, BLOOD, blood is also sticky as hell. ur telling me sweetheart willinglhy bathed in that shit? disgusting. at least thin it out

anyway I HAD SO MUCH FUN DOING THE PUZZLES AT SWEETHEART’S CASTLE....FROM THE DUNGEONS TO THE KITCHENS TO THE BALLROOM TO THE LIBRARY TO THE GARDENS JUST EVERYTHING!!!! IT WAS SO FUN I ENJOYED FIGURING IT OUT SO MUCH IT WAS LITERALLY DELIGHTFUL...I LOVE THIS GAME SO MUCH THE GAMEPLAY IS SO FUCKING EPIC I LITERALLY HAVE SO MUJCH FUN.......OH MY GOD I JUST. INCREIDBLE!!!! FUCK

also the lil sir maximus bit.........i honestly felt really awful over having to kill them ): i think i even tried running once but it wouldnt let me...it hurt man ): they were just a family....

um but anyway,

i think it was rlly sweet how aubrey protested to the wedding cause she was worried abt sweetheart,,,like i cant rlly explain it idk how to put it into words,,like sweetheart is clearly not mentally well and having an episode, and aubrey being the only one to say “hey what ur doing is self-destructive and isolating” just mmmh. she cares a lot,,,and *i* care aubrey

also sweetheart’s battle theme fucking SLAPPED...SO GODDAMN HARD IM STILL QUAKING OVER IT....FUCKING BANGER YO!!!!!! INCREDIBLE

ah but alas

BASIL........I NOTICED THAT IT WAS HIS GHOST/SHADOW DURING THE EXIT FROM OTHERWORLD AS WELL BUT JUST FUCK

im so worried about basil ):

and it being so obvious that none of the others can see...........them asking omori if he’s okay.....oh my god. i go nuts

and then...the forgotten library part

i literally cried, again, oh my fucking god

these kids loved each other so much they ADORED the time they spent with each other and im QUAKING to know WHAT HAPPENED TO MARI......HOW DID THE FALLOUT GO. I NEED TO KNOW I NEED TO KNOW I NEED TO KNOW

i know there are multiple endings to this game and on god i am not QUITTING until i get the happiest ending there is for these kids im literally a goddamn fuckign mess oh my god

MARI SHWOING UP IN THE LIBRARY AT ONE POINT AND LEADING OMORI...........IM LTIERALLY GOIGN INSANE OH MY GOD OH MY GOD OH MY GOD HE LOVED HIS SISTER SO MUCH HE’S SO CLEARLY LOST WITHOUT HER I CANT FUCKING DO IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I NEED TO KNOW WHAT HAPPENED. I NEED TO KNOW I NEED TO KNOW I NEED TO KNOW

GOD

okay sorry i just. ive said ti before but the grief in this game is so real and palpable and it aches, it aches so bad. also the white egret orchids in the library...i see u

but regardless.... session two real world electric boogaloo

LOVE that kel is like “so i need to run errands but u wanna come with me right? of course u do!” like fuck i rlly do. kel is just so delightful i would literally do anything to spend time with him

ALSO i noticed u can just refuse to open the door both times kel’s knocked now and it makes me wonder....if u could choose to ignore kel ? and then venture out urself or just ? i wonder what would even happen if u chose to not open the door. im CERTAINLY not doing it myself at the very least not this playthrough but i am curious...i bet that’s how u get a bad ending, by not talking w kel

but anyway....

aubrey and her gang not saying anything in the pizza parlor........i jus think abt that is all

ALSO!! pet rocks!!!!!!!!! LOVE this lil thing it’s so cute. jus rock paper scissors it babey

speaking of lil bits, love all the mini quests in the real world...it’s just rlly fun and builds up this cute lil town........it also makes me think that whatever happened to mari cant have been anything except an accident, bc no one comments on what a tragedy it was to omori. like if it was murder, there’s no way such a horrific situation wouldnt engulf the town for a bit and sweep over it for weeks at least, but that just doesnt seem to have happened. this is def me reading too into it tho;; point is neighbors nice (: also i got the seashell necklace and i go apeshit

ALSO......THE FUCKING...........CHURCH. I VISITED WITH KEL ON A COMPLETE WHIM CAUSE I WAS CURIOUS IF THE PASTOR WOULD TALK MORE ABT AUBREY BUT NO. INSTEAD HE TALKS ABT THE WEIRD VIBE FORM THE GRAVEYARD HE’S GETTING!!! AND THE DUDE WHO CHILLS IN THE GRAVEYARD SAYS SHIT ABT THE SPIRITS GETTING READY FOR SOMEONE TO JOIN THEM!!!! BITCH WAHT THE FUCK

THERE’S NOF UCKING WAY THIS ISNT ABOUT BASIL. THERE IS NO!!! WAY!!!! I SWEAR ON GOD IF BASIL DIES I WILL LOSE IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ESP CAUSE THERE IS LITERALLY NO OTHER WAY HE COULD DIE EXCEPT SUICIDE THAT’S WHAT IT HAS BEEN IMPLYING OVER AND OVER I GO NUTS I GO APESHIT NO NO NO NO!!!!!!!!!!!!

FUCK

OKAY SORRY I JUST. HHHHHHHHHHH

baby has acquired baby

kel’s family is rlly cute,,,,v heartwarming. i trust them

i do worry abt like...the stark difference between recognizing kel’s accomplishments and hero’s...i just idk. i just keep thinking abt that bit in kel’s story abt hero’s depression when his parents focused on hero and ignored him, and i just. kel’s family is good People but i worry if kel has a good support system...i jus........): i am watching

ahh THE BASIL MISSING PART MADE MY HEART LITERALLY FUCKING DROP..I WAS SO FUCKING PANICKED I WAS LIKE OH MY GOD THIS IS IT BASIL IS DEAD

THANKFULLY HE WASNT BUT HOLY GOD HOW THAT WHOLE SITUATION PANNED OUT MADE ME GO NUTS!!!!!!! BASIL...AUBREY...HER GANG.......FUCK OH M YOGD OH MY GOD OH MY GOD

THANK G O D I SNOOPED AROUND KEL’S HOUSE BEFORE LEAVING I WOULD HAVE H A T E D TO FIGHT THEM ALL AT ONCE IM GLAD I WAS ABLE TO JUST PEPPER SPRAY THEM JESUS CHRIST

oh my god kim like asking for aubrey all concerned before deciding to trust her and leaving.....kim i diagnose u with lesbain

the whole fucking. basil almost drowning scene. i seriously feel like ive changed like as a person over it. i am thinking . i am thinking. i am only evee thinking about mari and how omori just loved her so much and how the thought of her gave him strength. th pic of her ghost holding omori’s hand in the water made me cry

MMMM BUT. HERO!!!

I DIE I DIE I DIE HE’S SO PRETTY FUCK ALSO HIM PICKING UP BASIL WOOOOOOOO THIS IS WHAT IVE BEEN WAITING FOR THAT’S WHAT IT’S ALL ABOUT YEAHHHHHHHH

god i feel so bad about leaving aubrey tho. shes so clearly not okay and she so clearly did not mean to push basil in and oh my GOD I JUST...PLEASE....PLEASE CAN WE JUST TLAK TO HER I NEED TO TLAK TO HER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I NEED TO FUCK

the ghosts of omori and aubrey on the swings made me cry out like i had been physically assaulted

AHH BUT THEN TAKING BASIL HOME AND WHILE HE’S IN HIS BED HE JUST SAYS “oh sunny...there’s not way out of this...is there?” I LITERALLY GO BUCKWILD APESHIT INSANE STUPDI!!!!!! BASIL YOURE PUTTING UP A LOT OF ALARMING FLAGS HERE!!! PLEASE DO NOT FUCKING DIE!!!!!!!!!!!!

FUCK. CHRIST. HELL. SHIT. THIS GAME IS DRIVING ME FUCKING CRAZY

GOD

oh my god but the day ending with hero and kel sleeping over at omori’s house...im kdnd im jkdim im not uhm okay THEY BUILT A BLANKET FORT PLEASE..I LOVE THEM

goddd hero going into the piano room....playing sum........and then asking omori abt the song he and mari used to play on violin...and then THE TITLE SCREEN MUSIC STARTS PLAYING....HI. HI HELLO HI YOU CANT FUCKIGN DO THAT HI!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! FUCK YOUFBJFGJNGN;EJNE; IM GOIGN NUTS

also the name omori comes from the piano.............interesting...i wonder why sunny likes being called omori in the dreamscape...

god but omori not having a srs hallucination cause he’s w his friends and he feels safe...im gonna sob

However. i did glance into the bathroom mirror. AND INSTEAD OF THE EYE MF IT’S A DISTORTED AS HELL GHOST MARI???IM SO FUCKIGN SCARED. IM SO SCARED. WHAT THE FUCK. WHAT THE FUCK? CREEPY AS HELL!!!

ohh my god this GAME

so finally i ended up in whitespace again. do NOT like that omori is completely alone in the world!!! what the FUCK!!!!!!!! I AM SO SCARED AT ALL TIMES. im literally about to go play sum more tho after dinner so i will see what happens. god i jsut......this game is so fucking good it has me by the balls dude. SO glad i decided to play it bruh

anyway thanks for reading all of this if u did, it’s an absolute monster ik and ur a real one

#cass cries #omori #omori spoilers #more like cass goes CRAZY this is so long #also id dint proof read this sorry </3

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hhuta · 4 years ago

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(3D lbqfm anon) y'know after reading ur post on it i realized i a) subconsciously noticed the de-gaying and that's probably why i didn't like it and b) somehow didn't notice ANY changes despite the fact that I watched the two versions less than a week apart,,, i thought it was just the new cravat (tho i still don't like it. the old one was better) | also,,,, is it too much trouble to ask why u don't like the 3D assassymphonie? guessing smtg to do w the women | also ur opinion on 3D vaec?

where do i start with miss l'assasymphonie.. btw u can watch the video of the two versions side by side here. and my rant got wayyy too long so ill talk about VAEC in another post ldkjasl

tw: self harm/suicide mention just to be safe

im going to start with minor differences that make me prefer the 2010 version but not hate the 2011 one

first of all his dramatic soft gay sappy ass touching his heart when talking about mozarts music i like that a lot :(

then when he sings "killing out of spite everything i create" he metaphorically stabs himself in 2010 but not in 2011

and i love the first version because its a nice and subtle parallel between how mozarts music makes him feel like (lbqfm) vs how his own music affects him (l'assasymphonie) as i pointed out here before. this is on different levels !! the fact that in lbqfm its his inner gay demon stabbing him, representing mozart(s music) and in l'assasymphonie he stabs himself..... bc he is killing what he creates and what he creates is part of himself... so this isnt about him wanting to kill mozart its about him being self destructive... this is crazy this is just one gesture and i can go on and on about it and honestly my rant will only get more insane.

later he grabs the knife at different moments and in different ways and i think the 2010 version is more dramatic and impactful. the editing helps too, it really made me jump, its all done at the right time. but honestly both are valid to me; i feel like in 2010 hes more angry and impulsive, like its the very first time he thinks about doing something like this, whereas in 2011 he feels sad and defeated, like hes going back to a place he fought very hard to get out of and because of this one guy hes back there, but in the end he recognises its his own fault

another minor difference that i think is worth mentioning, and honestly i like both versions, is what he does at the "senseless (or crazy) symphony" part. in 2010 he almost covers his ears cuz obviously it goes along with the lyrics in a literal sense. meanwhile in 2011 its more of a symbolic interpretation? idk how to word it but 2010 feels like hes just talking about his music and the thoughts inside his head making no sense, but in 2011 when he looks at his writs, his veins, its like he is talking about himself as a whole; a being without any meaning, who is losing his mind, and i like that too

and this difference goes on when he talks about the "disconcerting concert"; 2010 feels like hes literally listening to it around him, his performance in 2010 is overall more dramatic lkjslkd, meanwhile theres none of that in 2011, hes too melancholic to be jumping around

here when hes talking about his talent (or rather lack of) u can see how hes more angry in 2010 and sad in 2011 (honestly this corroborates my theory that at the beginning florent played salieri as a legit evil villain but as it went on he added more depth)

anyways so far both versions are good to me now........ the fucking dancers............... i move away from the mic to breathe in.jpg

theres just. so fucking much going on in 2011. there are a shit ton of people moving around, the flashing lights, the constant zoom in and out, the curtains moving the background, im gonna have a stroke????? l'assasymphonie is such a heavy song, emotionally, and florents performance is amazing on its on theres no fucking need to add 100 more elements!??!? it totally takes away ur focus from salieri ....

my biggest problem is with the dancers as u guessed it cuz honestly idk why they are there, i dont understand the need. i get that they are his inner demons, but not the sexy ones, so they are there to represent his inner turmoil and add a chaos element to the performance and a parallel to lbqfm with the whole hands on salieri part, but its way to obvious that it becomes repetitive! inner demons dancing around a character happens way too much on mor; bim bam boum in a way, j'accuse mon pere, la mascarade, comedie-tragedie, si je defaille, lbqfm and now again?!!?!?!?! bitihc dlajsdlkas

and the worst fucking part to me is when salieri goes to kill the female dancer

.....why whY... WHY.. why make the song literal like this!!! this is not what its about??!?! i know she isnt supposed to be A Person, this isnt him being A Murderer, she is him in a way but ?? we already saw him almost killing himself??!!? why repeat that, this is just so unnecessary and it doesnt sit right with me why make him stab a woman!! it makes my blood boil. it takes away all the drama from the other scene, of him with the knife on his wrist, because it is essentially the same!

now lets discuss why i prefer the lost half naked blindfolded men. is it because its gay? yes. is it because of the kinky element? yes. u see how that creates a parallel to lbqfm but in a subtle way? yes thank you.

to elaborate i feel like the 2010 dancers represent his psyche at the moment soooo much better. its not just simply his inner demons haunting him again, making it repetitive.

his is how i interpret it and how it relates to salieri:

the blindfold: god it can mean so much... above all i think its his envy and anger blinding him, making him feel lost and afraid. but it can also represent how salieri is a stern man, he only sees things one way and is blinded to other possibilities, other ways of living. because he is so narrow minded, so used to just following the status quo, he doesnt understand mozart and how his carefree way of life is working for him. he doesnt understand his conflicted feelings towards mozart. he doesnt understand how mozarts music can be so unconventional and yet beautiful, etc etc. his world was shattered and he feels lost because of this one little guy

but honestly i think the intention was to give a shoutout to amadeus lmao which is still cool. they do mention in MOR that mozart can play blindfolded so u can view as a parallel to that too

the lack of clothes: around mozart salieri feels naked but not in a sexy and fun way, in vulnerable and seen for the first time way. imagine how strongly he considered changing his name and moving countries after the whole eh bien, maestro? trop de notes? ordeal..... he was caught off guard in that situation so he let the truth out way too much, but he knows he cant fake it around mozart any other time either

their behaviour: they look afraid, lost, in pain and are constantly falling, getting up, then falling again and being pushed up against the wall by something invisible (to me its mozarts music/influence) and honestly i dont have to say anything else ! its all there !!! it represents salieris emotions perfectly !!!!!

in summary, to me the 2010 dancers dont have a lot to do with the lyrics of the song and i think thats good. they are there to add a new element to it, to let us see inside salieris head, while salieri himself is performing what the lyrics are about. so on the other hand i think the 2011 dancers are repetitive and unnecessary, not adding anything new to the performance

#final thoughts: maybe the 2010 choreo was too ahead of its time for certain people so they changed it.....#anyways that was so fucking long i hope at least half of it makes sense #l'assasymphonie #asks #mor thoughts #3d anon

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koganeirou · 5 years ago

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me before playing blue lions: haha I’m not like ~other girls~ I don’t like Dimitri and I think he’s boring and basic.

me after playing blue lions: I will die for Dimitri.

I finally finished Azure Moon!! Can’t believe it took me 4 damn months to finish this route. Just like with Crimson Flower, I decided to do a very long write up of my thoughts of this route after letting my thoughts marinate for a bit. There will be spoilers for both Azure Moon and Crimson Flower. Also disclaimer: these are just my personal opinions.

Tldr: this route was so fucking good!!!! I jumped ship from being team Edie/BE to team Dimitri/BL faster than Sylvain jumps girlfriends because I enjoyed this route more than Crimson Flower in almost every way possible. The Blue Lions are my KIDS and I will die for each and every one of them. Blue Lions may not be my first route/house, but this is where my heart rightfully lies.

I guess the first thing I should get out of the way are the negatives. While this isn’t really a complaint about AM specifically and more so the narrative over the entire game... the conflict between Edelgard and Dimitri seems really stupid and contrived. In other games, war happens because the villain is evil. In this game, war happens because the villain is fucking stupid. Basically, I still ain’t convinced that Edelgard’s war was ever necessary LMAO. She straight up nuked the church’s authority and relevancy out of orbit the chapter before the time skip, so she technically already accomplished her goal; why she still feels the need to go on a savage conquest alludes me.

Speaking of nuking the church’s relevancy out of orbit, that’s exactly what happened to Rhea LOL. Despite all the church goons clamoring every .5 seconds about how they gotta save Rhea, we literally never see her again at all after the time skip, even at the end of the game. It makes no sense why Edelgard would keep Rhea imprisoned and not kill her, especially when Rhea seemingly served no greater purpose to Edelgard and became completely irrelevant in the war phase.

Edie says some mumbo jumbo of “I weighed the victims of this war against the victims of the world and I deem that there will be less victims of war” like bitch, how??? How do you tangibly quantify “victims of this world”. If she means “people who had a shitty life because of shitty society”, then those people are always going to exist because every society has its flaws. Even if you change society, you aren’t decreasing that number because you’re only solving problems by creating new ones (Edelgard’s specialty). Also the mental gymnastics you have to do to be tortured by an evil organization only to team up with said evil organization to take down another organization that, unless I missed something, isn’t even directly responsible for the death of all your siblings??? In both CF and AM, Edelgard comes off as incredibly thoughtless and illogical in her actions and I can’t help but feel that if she had been just a little bit more diplomatic, then maybe, just maybe, she could have found a better solution without starting a bloody war.

This brings me to the god forsaken chat between Edelgard and Dimitri. Dimitri demanding to know why Edelgard started the war only for her to go “it was the only way” has about the same narrative weight as “Riku why did you become one with the darkness?!” “Because I’m the worst”. Instead of bitching about whose ~ideals~ are better, how about y’all sit down and actually discuss what each person wants to accomplish and maybe figure out a way to accomplish these goals without murdering each other over it? Not that I think Edelgard would accept anything BUT murder, but jesus, this is why you don’t leave diplomatic matters to actual children.

Speaking of why you don’t leave diplomatic matters to children, god that Gronder battle. I get that it’s supposed to be an epic showdown between the three houses that mirrored the mock battle pre time skip but... the Kingdom had literally NO reason to fight the Alliance!!! The reasons they provided to justify why the Kingdom and Alliance couldn’t team up at Gronder was so fucking dumb, especially when two chapters down the line, Claude is knocking at our door begging for help. I will say tho, I never knew how much I appreciated himbo in distress Claude until now lmao.

Rodrigue's death was also really poorly done imo. As much as I liked having Dimitri’s father figure be the one to snap him out of his insanity, (I love found father/son relationships...) how on earth are you guys so fucking incompetent that you let this tiny little girl kill Rodrigue??? It doesn’t help that the exact same thing happened with Jeralt and Monica. This... just ain’t it, chief.

I think the biggest bone I have to pick at AM specifically is... so what the fuck is the truth behind the Tragedy of Duscur LMAO??? They literally blue balled me by dropping the bomb of “Dimitri’s step mom may have conspired in it” ONLY TO NOT DO ANYTHING WITH IT. I assume that the full truth behind the Duscur tragedy will probably be revealed in VW (I hope) because it involves the slithers but it’s highkey ridiculous that the BL goons... never actually find out what really happened, and why. And I get that the story is about them moving on from their trauma and the past, but they should have at least figured out the actual truth behind it so they can get the closure they deserve???

Despite the gripes I have with some of the writing, unless VW or SS is mind blowingly amazing, this route will easily stand as the best route for me, because.... it is kind of is mind blowingly amazing. I wholeheartedly love character driven stories, and this route absolutely delivers in that respect-- the character writing is amazing and is essentially the heart of this story. To think Dimitri and the Blue Lions were the lord/house I was least interested in at first. Even after hearing people talk about what the BL goons and Dimitri’s character arc was roughly about, I was still blown away by just how damn fucking good it was, and this route exceeded my expectations in every way possible.

When playing CF, I struggled to connect with a lot of the beagles; I didn’t have that problem at all with the BL goons and the route does a phenomenal job at making me actually give a shit about these characters and their problems. Childhood friend squad (+Marianne and Ashe) are easily my favourite characters in this game by a landslide, and the dynamic between not only the childhood friend squad, but all the BL goons, was just so, so amazing. Watching these characters that are seemingly joined by a single tragedy, rise above all their suffering as they grow, heal, and overcome hardship together is just so... MY KIDS... MY HEART..... I really got the sense of not only their shared pain, but also shared intimacy, care, and friendship. Their support conversations with each other had everything; from goofy and fun, to soothing and nurturing, to painful and harrowing.

The connections that the BL goons have to the pre time skip missions gave part 1 story so much more meaning, and it only gets better after the time skip. I really appreciate that the BL bean boys actually feel relevant to the main story, and that their input and opinions actually mattered. The cast’s struggle to come to a consensus on the best course of action during the war phase made them feel like actual people with opinions, unlike in CF, where everyone was just a mindless passenger to Edie’s not so merry joyride. This also made Dimitri’s arc way more impactful because the narrative actually holds him accountable for the consequences that his behavior/poor decisions had on others. What I also really liked about the war phase is that you could just feel how war torn the kingdom was and how much everything went to shit after the time skip. I felt really strongly to the characters’ sense of hopelessness at fighting a losing battle as they struggled to keep their home land in tact while everything just kept spiraling out of control and deteriorating further.

So to see the BL goon beans slowly, one battle at a time, turn the tide of the war and push back against the corner they were backed in, was SO fulfilling and rewarding. The battle of Fhirdiad is probably my favourite battle in the entire game because it felt like all the suffering and toiling that the BL goons went through was finally worth it, and just watching the kingdom slowly heal after being liberated was just such a good feeling. This kind of payoff is something I think CF sorely lacked, since tbh, I struggled to celebrate Edie’s victories with her. Though I do appreciate how Edie’s a much more threatening antagonistic force than either Dimitri or Rhea were in CF too bad Edelgard’s boss battle was pathetically easy and Dimitri shredded through her armor like swiss cheese... at least Rhea put up a slightly challenging fight.

I could gush about the characters all day, but Dimitri? He makes this game, 100%. This truly felt like his story and he was the star of this route. On a superficial level, I’m a basic bitch as well as a slut for angsty boys who have trouble talking about their trauma because I want them to rail me. I fucking loved his feral personality it was just so fun to watch and interact with LMAO 10/10 would let him use me until the flesh falls from my bones. His dialogue in this state is just so demeaning, belittling and raw that it somehow comes a full circle and becomes charming I promise I’m not a sick masochist.

I’m also a degenerate and dimileth is my otp. The way the relationship between Dimitri and Byleth develops over the game truly felt like a bond forged over time. The way Dimitri admits that he couldn’t trust Byleth at first because he was put off by the way they could “kill without batting an eye”, to being so elated when he sees them smile for the first time that he’s completely mesmerized when they starts expressing emotion... oof, talk about otp material. I think what really sold me is the way he’s their anchor after Jeralt’s death; their emotional support both in a traditional sense, but also in a darker sense when he declares he will kill anyone so they desire it because their enemies are his enemies. Character A declaring they’d die for character B? Soft shit. Character A declaring they’d kill for character B? A+ romance right there, boys.

On a non superficial level, Dimitri’s character arc of his fall from grace and subsequent redemption was absolutely phenomenal. Just seeing how far he sinks, how far he goes, only to see how far he climbs his way back up after hitting rock bottom, was such a roller coaster and I loved every minute of it. I also probably like revenge stories more than I care to admit. Dimitri has everything; blood lust, cruelty, obsession, but also empathy and compassion so extreme that it’s his very own innate kindness that drives him into insanity, which is what makes him such a compelling character in my eyes. The extremity of his psychosis was absolutely heart breaking, but despite everything, him making the conscious decision to change for the better and rise up to fulfill his role as king was just astounding to watch.

I will say though... maybe I have a screwed up moral compass but tbh Dimitri brutally killing imperial soldires didn’t really upset me because... this is war??? That he didn’t even start?? Everyone is killing everyone??? Even if he never went feral, he’d still be killing because his bloody kingdom is being invaded?????? But I digress.

While I think just how damn avoidable everything was kind of detracts from the tragedy of his relationship with Edelgard, I still really loved how steadfast and unconditional his love for her was (after he stops going feral), and you can tell just how much she meant to him every time he spoke of her. I also love how the dagger kind of becomes a symbolic motif throughout the story, and Edie throwing the dagger at him in the final cutscene as a sign of her wholehearted rejection of him was just fucking depressing, but also very fitting of her character.

I adore the whole overarching narrative and themes surrounding grief and death, befitting of a war game. How, as tempting as it is to constantly keep the memory of the dead alive, there comes a point where you have to move on and not let your life be ruled by those no longer around. The way that the characters react to the death of loved ones and grieve so differently was a huge highlight of the BL squad’s characterizations, which just makes them feel more alive and human. Honestly, no words can really describe just how incredible of an experience Azure Moon was.

Anyway my order from favourite to least favourite BL goon bean boys are: Dimitri > Ashe >/= Sylvain >/= Felix > Ingrid > Mercedes > Annette > Dedue. (I love Ashe/Sylvain/Felix almost equally LOL)

tldr my experience with Azure Moon:

tfw my second best girl is childhood friends with all the best boys in the entIRE GAME and she settles for a guy with a dead wife, daughter, and most likely triple her age :|.

I’ll be finally playing Golden Deer next, which I’m gonna do on NG+ Maddening so.... hope that goes well!!

#fire emblem three houses #ellie plays fe3h terribly

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classified-bluerose · 6 years ago

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put me back together part II || quentin beck x reader

a/n: so obviously this doesn’t exactly fit the plot as i realised halfway through that peter seems to have met quention prior to the water attack in venice. i don’t want to change it now so let’s pretend they met before the fight. also we gonna pretend peter’s trip was always taking them to prague bc i don’t wanna write in the trip at all tbh lol. again this is probably occ... mainly self-indulgent crap, really. hope u enjoy tho!!!

warnings: cursing, mentions of violence & death, endgame spoilers, and, ofc, spiderman ffh spoilers. manipulative bastard quentin, too. (isn’t that why we love him?)

(GIF is not mine)

—

chapter two: shattered glass

—

it’s almost as though quentin actually planned this - find the girl and take her to one of the most romantic cities in the world. show her all the sights, make her laugh, slowly take down her walls, brick by brick.

the more time he spends with you the harder it becomes to disentangle himself. feelings grow deeper under early morning walks and late night chats. you never ask about the other you, the one quentin supposedly married.

you never talk about tony stark or natasha romanoff, either; when fury mentions iron man you stiffen in the corner and quentin does not miss the way your jaw clenches tight. he wants to poke and prod at these wounds left unhealed, but there’s no time before the stage is set and the water monster erupts from the intricate canals of venice’s streets.

you’re not supposed to be there - you should have been tucked away at the base, safe and sound; but quentin sees you ushering a group of frightened tourists in the opposite direction of the threat. anger coils low in his chest as he watches your figure disappear around a corner - what if something had happened to you?

how could you be so careless with yourself?

he grit his teeth and finished off the ‘’elemental’’ - needing some time to cool off and clear his head.

—

you’re not at the debrief. quentin’s skin feels itchy as he wonders where you are. have you gone home? been sent out somewhere else?

maybe you’d simply walked out. but why... why would you leave quentin? or peter, for that matter? how much you care for the kid is obvious - surely you wouldn’t just go.

surely you - surely you hadn’t actually been injured. right? right? if you had someone would have found you by now. shield would know, wouldn’t they. isn’t that their jobs? isn’t that what they’re supposed to do?

the longer he goes without knowing the more the anger rises to the surface. he tries to pat it down lest he expose himself, cursing you for making him feel this way. his jaw twitches, fist flexing, fingers curling and uncurling and curling again - anything to get the nervous energy out of his system.

after what feels like forever the briefing ends, the plan to get to prague is settled. quentin tries to catch fury but the slippery fucker is out the door in the blink of an eye.

someone taps his shoulder. quentin turns sharply, - ‘’ what? ‘’ - then pulls his attitude in again when peter flinches back. he rubs his forehead and bares his teeth in a smile.

‘’ sorry, spiderman. rough day, ‘’ he makes his excuses and the naieve kid nods and smiles and accepts too easy.

‘’ it’s okay, mr- i mean, myst- i mean, quentin. um, i just - i noticed you were looking around a lot, during the meeting. if you’re looking for her, i can show you where she is? ‘’

god, this kid is painfully awkward at times, but damn if he isn’t useful. quentin nods once. spiderman nods, clearly happy to feel like he can help. ‘’ c’mon! ‘’

he darts out as quick as a bullet from a gun, and quentin has no choice but to follow the teenage hero out into the night.

—

there’s a mural of red and gold painted large as life on the side of a building. your silhouette against it is dark and miniscule. quentin stands a few feet back and watches you stare at it. only when your shoulders begin to shake does he approach.

your breaths are laboured, eyes gleaming with unshed tears. his earlier irriation fades away, though he fights to bring it back - you could have ruined it all by disobeying orders, showing up on the street mid-fight, you could have destroyed his plans in seconds -

somehow, it doesn’t seem to matter anymore.

‘’ hey. are you okay? ‘’

you snap out of the daze and your gaze falls to your feet. you nod and force a smile that’s too dull to be authentic as you look back up. his expression becomes one of caring and empathy, your heart hurting for the man who lost it all.

‘’ m’fine. just ... ‘’ your eyes flicker once again to the painting before moving back to gaze over quentin’s shoulder. ‘’ i’m fine. ‘’

‘’ you wanna talk about it? ‘’

a humourless chuckle escapes your lips. more jagged glass than happiness. ‘’ no. ‘’

quentin pauses. knows that to push you too much too soon would ruin the carefully constructed plan he has perfected. he chances a comforting touch to your elbow, encouraged when you don’t move away.

‘’ wanna go for a walk? ‘’

he hits you with the lopsided grin that he knows has an effect; inside, your stomach swoops and fuses spark lights in your chest. on the outside your eyes soften and your lips curve up in a tiny, but genuine, smile.

quentin holds out his hand. you take it without hesistation.

—

so much about you intrigues him. it’s easy to forget about the truth behind his intentions. your skin, hotter than any normal human being. the knowledge that you have the ability to snap his neck without blinking an eye is... alluring. intoxicating. you were so broken when he met you first, only a week ago. already he feels as though he’s putting you back together. it earns him some pride.

light laughter and little, fragile smiles - moments as delicate as butterflies landing on his wrist. he yearns to touch, to pull, to hold. the plan takes priority, of course it does. but he’s worked so hard to get himself to this point. he deserves a little break with a pretty girl by his side.

‘’ so, one more elemental, ‘’ you begin, conversationally.

quentin nods. ‘’ one more. fire. the one that... the one that destroyed my world. ‘’

he swallows past an imaginary lump in his throat. he feels your eyes against the profile of his face.

‘’ well, now you know what you’re up against. not often we get a second chance. ‘’ the words are bitter, maybe unintentionally, but bitter all the same.

‘’ you did, ‘’ he points out, gently. ‘’ with thanos, right? ‘’

you huff a callous, cold laugh. ‘’ yeah. eventually won, i guess. supposedly. ‘’

there’s a darkness shadowing the curves of your face now, the kind that makes quentin’s heart rate pick up. ‘’ what do you mean? ‘’

you don’t answer for a long while. footsteps echo quietly around empty backstreets. it seems as though the city is deserted; inhabited only by the two of you, and the moon hanging low in the sky. still clad in his armour, quentin wishes to himself he’d had the foresight to change out of the clunky suit.

in the moment of distraction caused by the discomfort, he doesn’t notice that you’ve paused in front of him. he slams straight into you; neither of you stumbling as he hits the solid heat of your body.

you turn on your heel and offer a wry smile. ‘’ sorry, ‘’ you say, entirely insincere. he watches you lean back against the wall, the shadowed alleyway covering up most of your features. your eyes, though. they burn through the night and quentin is powerless to their draw.

he cocks his head to the side. ‘’ what did you mean? ‘’ he presses. ‘’ a minute ago. ‘’

‘’ it’s nothing. forget i said anything. ‘’

‘’ hey, come on. you can talk to me, you know, ‘’ he cajoles, inching closer.

you sigh; ‘’ you have enough on your plate, ‘’ she insists, but your resolve to stay silent is weakening. he can feel it.

‘’ you have listened to me talk about the tragedy of my own life since i got here, ‘’ he points out, lightly. ‘’ let me return the favour. ‘’

you consider the man of mystery in front of you: something about him you can’t quite put your finger on. maybe it’s the smile that always seems a little too sharp for comfort, or the eyes that can’t quite hide the gleam of potential insanity. something tells you, you shouldn’t trust him. something else tells you he’s the only one you should trust.

‘’ it doesn’t feel like we won, ‘’ you admit, finally. the weight falling from your chest as the words fall from your lips, secrets with sharp edges that have been cutting in to you for eight long months. ‘’ tony stark and natasha romanoff, they died. they died so the world could live, and - and that’s what, that was the point. save the world. whatever it takes, ‘’ she spits out the last three words with an incredible amount of venom. ‘’ and it’s stupid and it’s careless and i don’t even care. i want them back. i want them back so badly i would, god. i would burn this version of reality to the ground to bring ‘em back. ‘’

quentin ... did not expect this. yet somehow is unsurprised; and suddenly understands. this is what drew him in. this hidden darkness, this anger and rage buried in layers of sadness. in this moment you are more alive than he’s ever seen you; gone is the morose, flat emptiness, here is the fuel to the dynamite exploding, here is the fierce hurt and the damaged parts coming to the surface, it is magnificent, you are magnificent in your hot fury.

the breath catches in his throat as he realises; we’re the same, you and i. we both want revenge.

excitement sizzles in his veins and in that moment all he wants to do is wrap you in his arms and pull you into his embrace. he reigns himself in, patience, quentin, patience, and allows himself a single step closer.

‘’ i’m so sorry you had to go through that, ‘’ he whispers, voice a few steps lower than usual- steeped in desire he hopes can be read as sympathy. your bright eyes flicker over his face.

‘’ yeah, well. perks of bein’ a fuckin’ superhero or whatever. ‘’ she lifts her chin in the air defiantly. ‘’ but i guess you understand that. ‘’

‘’ i do, ‘’ he responds immediately, ‘’ i do. ‘’

because, okay. maybe he hadn’t actually watched his reality burn; maybe he hadn’t failed to save an imaginary family in an imaginary universe; but he had lost things, fallen deeper into black holes that chewed up his soul and spat it out again.

we’re the same, he wants to say, but again. holds himself back.

instead he smiles warmly - the sharpness still there, something you do not miss - and says, ‘’ at least we have each other. ‘’

your face lights up with mischief. ‘’ we do? ‘’ you ask, with a cocky head tilt. quentin chuckles and plays up the embarassment. acting like someone caught flirting - which he almost-kind-of-maybe was.

a blush adorns his handsome face. ‘’ i mean - uh - if you want that. ‘’ he adopts an uncertain waver to his tone; though he’s already sure you’re falling as hard for him as he is for you.

you bite back a smile and try to dim the fire burning in your belly. it just feels so good - to actually feel something. something that isn’t empty or angry or sad. something good. this connection came too quick and is growing too intense too soon. it can only end in tears. but you make a choice, the only one you’ve ever made.

let yourself be consumed in the flames, and damn the consequences.

—

tags: @loki-doki-fever @tuliptx

#personall~#quentin beck x reader #quentin beck imagine #mysterio x reader #mysterio imagine #marvel #spiderman far from home #ffh spoilers #jake gyllenhaal #mywriting #peter parker #spiderman #qb:pbmt

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jiminsfault · 5 years ago

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50 questions tag

I got tagged by @yoongs-jeontae ! Thank you💖

What colors is your hairbrush? It’s like a brown-ish shimmery color? Idk o.o

What food would you never eat? I probably would never be able to eat the meat of rabbits or deers, sheep and that kind of stuff

Are you usually hot or cold? I’m always a cozy crispy amount of warmth under my blanket. But when I’m outside I go from both extremes because I’m super sensitive so, spring/summer: always hot, autumn/winter: always cold. There is no inbetween

What did you do 45 minutes ago? I was in an online class and got math tutoring🤠 it was horrible thanks for asking my brain is fried

Favorite chocolate? The really dark kind. It’s the only chocolate I’ll ever really crave. I can bear milk chocolate if I have to

Have you ever been to a professional sports event? I hAve actually omg! It was a handball game and super boring, I didn’t know whats going on ever and only clapped when everyone else did🤡 (I was forced by my ex to tag along I absolutely hate sports)

What was the last thing you said out loud? “Oh my god, that was horrible” right after I ended the call with my teacher skckjs

Favorite ice cream flavor? Brownie fudge? Is that what it’s called? The chocolate ice cream with brownie pieces in it, it’s so fUcking gOOD sorry for cursing it’s necessary

What was the last thing you drank? Some nice crispy wAter

What kind of wallet do you have? A small black one because I didn’t think about practicality when buying it. Currently looking for a bigger one.

What was the last thing you ate? I actually have no clue if that’s the english word for it but kebab? IT’S DÖNER IN GERMAN

Did you buy clothes last weekend? I haven’t bought clothes in months actually omg

What was the last sports event you saw? I watched the soccer game that’s like a really big thing back in 2018 🤠🤠

Who was the last person you texted? My mom cus she’s out buying groceries and asked me what kind of ice cream I want kekdjejd

Do you like camping? I despise camping with my entire being. When I was little my mom always forced me to go on 500 camping trips a year and I feel the biggest rage in me when I think about all the bugs and uncomfortable nights I- will not continue talking about this now.

Do you eat vitamins? No, like not at all. Not one vitamin has entered my body in a few weeks. I used to have these tablets that disappear in water but I stopped drinking that because I only take them bc of my muscles and currently I’m not leaving the house so,,, don’t need them >:)

When was the last time you traveled? The last time I full on traveled like outside of the country was in 2018 when my class went to italy because of our graduation 🤠 trauma

Do you like sunbathing? I can’t really answer that because if I sunbathe I will burn. Like literally I’m getting a sunburn just from walking to the train on a sunny day if I don’t have the strongest suncream on??? My skin is very🤡 so yeah idk if I like it? Never tried

Asian or Italian food? Asian food absolutely. I’m not sure about italian food because I just don’t know anything about italian kitchen but I dO knOw that theres so much variety with asian food? And so far I’ve loved every asian dish I’ve tried so,,

Do you drink soda? Nope. I stopped drinking soda four years ago I think because my skin was sO bad and I gained weight so quickly without eating a lot so I stopped drinking soda and tada! Barely getting pimples now😎 also it’s just tastier like my mouth doesn’t stick anymore and I don’t literally feel the sugar on my teeth?? (Although I do sometimes sip on a bit of coke but only on special occasions)

What color socks are you wearing now? White with a very,, aqua? blue stripe? And the name of the brand in the same color🤠 fashion

When was the last time you were speeding? I don’t drive🤡😔

What are you afraid of? Everything pretty much. Commitment, people leaving me, talking to people, failing, succeeding, should I continue?

What can you see if you turn left? A lot? It’s inside my room (my bed is in the right corner) but first thing would be my switch cus she laying next to me

What kind of housework you like the least? I actually love housework? At least the things that I do. Like I never mow the lawn because that’s not my job yknow? But I like emptying and filling the dish washer, cleaning pans in the sink, doing the laundry, wiping the floor. Maybe I should become a maid?

What is the first thing you think of when you hear someone talking in a language you don’t know? I try to hear what language it is, like I try guessing at least. Of course I don’t know what every language sounds like but it’s a fun little game I have for myself when I’m bored in public transpo

Do you sleep on your back or side? On my right side towards the wall. At least at night, when I take a nap I sleep on my left side towards the room. Idk why pls don’t ask me, I can’t fall asleep otherwise.

You crave fast food, where do you go? So around where I live there aren’t a lot of options? Also in germany in general we don’t have the fast food fest that america has, so I always go for either Mcdonald’s or Subway.

What is your lucky number? 5. I don’t know when it became my favorite/lucky number but somehow at some point in time it’s become the number I always use when someone wants me to guess or answer a question, I use it for picking things and all that🤡🤠 maybe it’s because it sounds rly funny in german

Who was the last person you talked to? In person my mom cus she’s the only one I see nowadays. On the phone would be two of my friends and I also talked to my tutoring teacher through discord so? Pick👁👁

Do you eat meat? I would say no if I wouldn’t sometimes do slip some meat in. It’s very rare and a small amount when I do. Idk how this developed because I used to eat meat multiple times a week but at some point I started only eating chicken and only in smaller amounts and sometimes not even once in two weeks. I eat fish tho? Does that count?

What was the last song you listened to? “Love without tragedy/mother mary” by rihanna because I was feeling the 10’s last night at 5am🤠

Last book? I actually just tried to find the english title of it but I can’t find any sign of it being translated so,, “der Totenzeichner” by Veit Etzold. I read this book twice, once in 9th grade and once just recently and I will not get enough of it. Another one of his books “Final cut” is laying on my bedside table waiting for me to start it. He’s an iconic author.

What is your favourite day of the week? If we were speaking from when it’s a regular routine and I would go to uni, I’d say Monday. I know I sound like a psycho but saying friday or saturday is my favorite day is basic because obviously everyone loves the weekend. Monday is a great day usually because my day starts in third period and does still go 6 classes like regular days but it feels nice to go into uni later in the day so I always appreciate it. (Tho saturday do be hitting different)

Do you know the alphabet song backwards? I don’t even know it forwards 🤡😔

Favorite coffee/tea? I don’t drink coffee but my favorite tea is probably fennel tea, everyone I know hates it, especially without sugar but I love it :(

Favourite shoes? From the ones I personally own I’d say my nike zoom 2ks because they look good and are super comfortable. Shoes that I wish I would have would be Dr. Martens but I’m pOor🤡 I am absolutely a whore for sneakers so I won’t even start listing all the sneakers I love

When do you usually go to sleep? If I’m on schedule around 11-12pm of actually going into the bed physically and falling asleep 30/40 minutes later. While I’m now constantly at home I do still physically get into bed at the same time but I stay up from 2-7am depending on how fun people are, if I play a game, if I read/draw, have a series or movie to watch. I’m insane I am aware🤡

When do you usually wake up? Again, when I’m on schEdule I wake up mondays and tuesdays at 6.30am, from wednesday to friday at 6.10am, on the weekend around 10am. Right now? It’s a surprise everyday. Sometimes I’m up at 4pm, sometimes I’m up at 10am, today I was actually super early with 9.30 so😎

Sunrise or sunset? That’s actually so hard because I do see the sunset a lot more than rise since I have my rOllÄdEn down so I don’t actually remember what a sunrise looks like. Because I have no other choice I say sunset. With doubt.

Do you like your bed soft or hard? I thINK my bed is hard? I once laid on a friend’s bed that was super soft and I’m pretty sure I didn’t like it

Describe the plate you are eating from? They’re from ikea. They’re white with like blue swirls idk my mom bought them I didn’t make the decisions

Your favorite type of alcohol? Currently I don’t really drink alcohol (mainly because of the lack of opportunities) bUt when I do drink I really like sweet sparkling wine (I googled this I’m not sure if that’s the right word idkd)

Do you like board games? Depending on which people I play with. If a person is getting angry that they’re losing it makes the game absolutely suck and since I’m surrounded by those people I haven’t made good memories with board games kcjdjs,,, if the company is fun I like the games too tho

If you had a car, what kind would it be? Unrealisticly I’d love to own a Lamborghini Aventador or Urus because those cars are just mouth-watering to me. Since I most likely won’t ever be able to afford either of those, I’d love to have a Fiat 500. I fell in love with this car like,,, it’s so cute and the inside is pretty too so everything fits for me the way I want it to. I’ll have to settle for a way less nice car tho once I get a license, at least for a while🤡

Do you know how to change car tires? In theory yes

Dream country? Like to live in? Damn idk. I’d love to live in a country with like,, cULTURE you know? Something exciting and cool to look at, less stuck up people almans be really boring 🤡 so maybe something like spain or italy, maybe america if yall vote for a different president. Japan or Korea would be super cool too I- the whole world ma’am? I couldn’t live in countries like idk hawaii or sumn because of the heat so I’ll just mfing stay in germany😔😔

If you could choose from any jobs in the world, what would you like to do? If I would have the chance I’d love to become an actor because that just seems super cool. But like I’m not nearly attractive enough for people to want to look at me on a scEen so nO

What would you like to try to do? I’m pretty set on trying to learn how to dance like that’s probably not as exciting as other things I could do but :/ yeh idk

And what is stopping you? Literally just me being lazy and talking myself into believing I won’t be good without even trying nsncjsks (also yes I seperated these questions because otherwise it wouldn’t be 50)

thIs was sO mUch omg sjjcjs I’m literally exhausted from all these questions😩😩

I’m tagginggg @gallhali @shadowsremedy if u wanna!

#tagged #fairyfriends #yoongs-jeontae

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40ozalctears · 5 years ago

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i am leaving this tedious attempt at poignancy. find us again in the same spot we left our glasses broken so we only saw the shapes of the things we loved i want to love again (2 parts)

pt 1 (Waking) appears to me as echos or with glasses removed it is only ever a valley of lights loud cold and I couldnt ever make out a predator let alone one so sweet of skin and soft of lips with cadences baked in the lowest cloud of heaven that u called what was it ah yes, abode for we slayed there the evils of no knowing all hope exists from accept to give.... relax on it wait that’s not correct, ruminate? purple prose again. hearkens to the middle school entries hatred of self in understand the loss of cold is new spring then insanity after i spread my wings to be so finely tuned, clipped ripped and reborn. sewn alone. bored. go yes. ruminate is a word. i love it actually i love so much, but little riddles get me a little upset should i sit on cold tea with their syllables gnawing like a rodent. words only. do you kno how many times ive rhymed herd with ah...it is just so easy..ah men..amen..so many rhymes and times and...shall I say with no pursuers? crime If anyone wants to cut this gem. I don’t want 2 b evicted. i wann be convicted, w8..that aint sound rite I wanna live with conviction, in silence and diction, keep it buttery even wehn low and muttery. dumb st Uttering. hey You! yes U. The One who reached out. A begins with name (riddle me that, little one. saddle up city slicker trust me im a licker woops that was fun and might suggest a too soon moon when the suns out. day drink beauty sinks so here i am as well. with the wine so gone carving like meat of the stomach walls, and so stolen from Somerled market and I sat so stoic in the garden of Anglican church - xanax and wine, sometimes lime liquer. I don’t quite write too much of anything but the times I had solitude thoughts. I balanced the cig pack on the wine bottles all this coddling years and my rot is the fears that I jeered into an asylum for a less lovely fated me I see your calling’s thirst for a pretty face has been sated, see Sea. Pacific. Specifically. Sea air and all of me. Missing a part A heart. Slowly doing the youngin’ rhyme schemes. I have never yelled as a pastor but I swear as a messiah i tried against the dog leash will of the bindings that i was the one. yeah the one at the end of all the holy books look. let’s just share more over tea Like I said, ochre stream and a tiara of sea emerald. hm, topaz? so lasted this long, well done for song jst words tho. blow dro, no hope jus cope but yo we can b here as second letter in the alphabet. soup. loot. fruits and goodness see, here, c is three and I am losing it over the recurrence of how U! Silly one, deserve the entire depth of sea. Tiara ok I have snaked myself into puzzle of words. I’m scared, uh... Save me lady! Or lately maybe you could simply not snake me? should i find u again in the desperate dreams turning darker darker for ive been a rodent slow dent in skull for u ive been in den for so long. sea all happening tho watching the depth n wat uuuuuu Deserve I don’t ever hope to learn. Burn and then into the urn world will turn it...Mwah! Ripe trite for the wrong man for a song girl, together, seemed able to rip seams of this wrong world. PT 2. I fear the sleep alone and another day as so. drifting to shaded shallows should we stress our closeness like continents then the richer we’ll be for the digging of dreams, and et cetera matched in flames of your worst kept things and face washed in mascara tint let’s keep it out of the high grass. for an emotional and addicted boy there is always a stern no. finger wag, it is strange that it is always for my own fucked mistakes so angular, not cute and soft and circle shaped so fucking clear with every fucked mistake i make. ive made. you’ve said it best in curses beyond what the children know as what we keep from them and only mix them and their brood with smiles and helium balloons but within chests there’s curses for the evil done - without denying i have taken a sharp bite of some if only for a ship to sail in dreams between the time light wakes, so something could complete , just for once. it all seems twigs breaking before the fire, and these bones have been shedding their layers like bugs in this late summer and every time, prostrate, i beg and beg granted gifts from upper things. no use in saying how i am sorry so much to say if you find me lost as lost can be and burnt broken once hoping having detachment turn to hate and i’d fail my mother if i let myself hate like anyone would do to her or you or anyone but me you can make me bleed forever if it keeps your mind off whatever your mind needs off of. my minds is far too often far too often on and not ever turning on in sleep of death what dreams may come fuck the tragedies we can rewrite it in simple broken english till theyre silly comedies and u see Autumn, like Fall with me and I return to you of me I have been screeching to anyone they call me insane because i’m so excited to try to care again. they call me insane so much just for how boyish i become of a bouncy little soft thing if one would let me prove i can do it and if you look me in the eyes, i would hope that you would say “You FUCKER! Love, please, for fuck’s sake, prove it.” Sisyphus taught me fuck the weight we got fuck how the soft gets claimed by the rot I want to show you I’m ready to eternally uselessly help you hold the weight stable of rock and push it forever and ever and ever and ever and evernadnever.

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shirks-all-responsibilities · 3 years ago

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This universe and story you’ve written is so fascinating and rich in detail that this chapter plays right into our want to know more! And I’m a sucker for some good existential dread and angst so found this one especially haunting.

I love that the origin of Ezra’s people is perhaps pretty mundane, so much like our own--average humans who ended up irreversibly polluting and poisoning their world and nearly causing their own extinction (ahhhh, sound familiar errrbody?? The bit about the ingestion of plastic particles had me 👀👀 because if there’s one thing I think we aren’t paying enough attention to for reals tho it’s microplastics!! ok ok back to fiction 😅). But his people have fancy technological and genomic advances we can only dream of that allow for the all the experimentation that led to all the unique things that distinguishes Ezra from Vive's people (I adored that bit about designing the ability to mimic the color-changing and color-responsive abilities of chameleons and cephalopods, the way it was almost a just-for-fun little add on, because how cool would that be? I want, I want!!). Ohhhhh so alllll their female presenting genitalia is entirely internal, the whole kit and caboodle, no wonder poor bby Ezra was mystified. 😊

As the professor’s journal entries continue on, their situation was just so tragic…their endless hunt for a world they can inhabit in a cold and unfeeling universe, the vast distances they have to traverse, the idea that others of their kind set off into other far flung reaches of space and they will never know what became of them? The repeated failures and problems, leaving no stone unturned to ensure the environment was safe and realizing it was all for nought, the claustrophobia of having to remain on that craft on such a toxic world...and they just keep...perservering.

But the moment you revealed that she was ignoring notifications and missed calls I could just FEEL the foreboding tension! It was almost cinematic how it unfolded after she left her room, the scene she looks upon, the moment when Caleb greets her with those menacing scissors in his hand? I could see and feel everything so viscerally!

Not knowing how much time had elapsed from this telling of the beginnings of the alterations and repopulation of Ezra’s people to the time period of Ezra’s story is intriguing–it could have been generations, or it could have been far far longer! And the professor’s recordings, I wondered if they actually survived for later generations to find, or did they get lost, or maybe deliberately hidden so that the powers that be could misinterpret and lie to the lowers.

The irony of Caleb’s clinging to old, nearly-forgotten religious beliefs and dogma (I loved how he had to explain to them what an ark was) in what is clearly a horrific situation devoid of any supernatural guidance…and how it’s turned on its head when Caleb's spirit is ground down so much he abandons all faith, yet the professor starts to soften, which was especially chilling given how she has been playing god with a zealous “just one more try” driving optimism (insanity?). And her secret near the end!

The tragedy that we know that somehow they must’ve found another suitable planet for which Ezra’s recent generations were the beneficiaries of, but Ezra’s story shows us how things devolved, the unrest and uprisings and misery. The human will to survive is strong...but so is our self-destructive tendencies and greed.

I loved these two moments of your writing–that evocative "barely a goodbye said to their cradle of life as it fell into chaos and flame below them," and that wistful bit about her “headphones blaring the soothing sounds of long-dead oceans into her mind.”

Humorous side note, the ONLY thing I could think of when reading about that poor guy having his sperm stored was Pedro’s Community table read and that “cylinder of hypo-virile sperm.” 🤣😆

And last, are your warnings lists not THE BEST thing ever? Reading them without any context, before I read the chapter, is a TRIP. It is one of my delights every time I saddle up to read the latest chapter drop. 😊😉

As ever, I love this story and thank you so much for sharing it with us! 🥰🥰🥰

Starman Chapter Sixteen.

I have nothing to say except that normal service will be resumed next week. And that I think it's pretty obvious that I'm not a biochemist and my biology education stopped age 16 so forgive any inaccuracies. I have tried to use inclusive language gender-wise.

I also owe nods to both Terry Pratchett and The Walking Dead. And probably a whole host of other things since I am a total hoor for horror and science fiction and the combination of the two.

Warnings for murder, gore, blood, human experimentation, vast discussions of pregnancy and conception, miscarriage, religion, a mention of religious based transphobia and bioessentialism, periods, sperm (but not in a sexy way), non specific mention of rape, suicide.

Word count: 7.8k

Starman

Chapter Sixteen

Professor Caoimhe Alarie

"I don't...I don't really know what to say. A lifetime of presentations and speeches and demonstrations, but I can never seem to find the right words for my own private journal. Why to make one at all? I suppose its another tentative reach of hope - that one day future generations will look back on these recordings and at least begin to have an understanding of where they came from. Or perhaps it is arrogance and sheer hubris that makes me think that there will be future generations at all. Who can know? We are so close, so close in so many ways, and yet on days like today I fear that we are still as far from a solution as we have ever been.

This vessel is both a refuge and a dream. An ark, as Caleb so quaintly puts it. He had to explain the reference to us all. I still don't understand why he delves so deeply into those old philosophical texts, but if that is what brings him comfort during this madness then who am I to judge? Our many gardens are fruitful and the horizons bright - scans show a system mere months away that looks extremely promising. There is one large moon in particular where all signs point to functioning biosystems that we can integrate with. Its associated planet is less hospitable, but terraforming should be possible once we have established ourselves more fully. I just hope that we can land safely and decant in peace. The children that have been born thus far are as happy and healthy as one can expect given that they have never experienced anything other than artificial gravity. They play and learn and we are instilling the importance of our mission and their parts in it. I myself try to devote some time to teaching them. Not biochemistry oddly enough, but languages - I am the only Irish speaker on board, and along with Mssr. Durand I ensure that they know their French too! I want the children to be exposed to as much of the culture of where we came from as possible. I am not alone in this desire, and we are very lucky to have such a diverse team. The children are also picking up Japanese, Igbo, Finnish, Arabic, Mandarin and Spanish from some of the others on board. This too is a kind of preservation.

One of the nurseries is already full again - the shorter gestation experiment seems to have been an overall success, though the rate of parental mortality was unacceptably high in my opinion. Perhaps if we fall back on attempting replication of those results in the Genetic And In-Vitro Alteration tanks only we could save more lives. Though I am aware of a division growing amongst those who were grown in utero and those who came from GAIA. We cannot afford this rift. When we land, we must work together if we are to survive. If we cannot, perhaps we really have learned nothing from this mission. Perhaps we deserve-

No, I cannot think that way. Of everyone on board this ship, I cannot think that way. I desperately wish we could have retained communications with the other...arks...out there. Impossible of course. The whole point of them, of us, is to spread as far through the galaxy as possible. To give us the best chance of survival. But it hurts...the emptiness of simply not knowing how they have fared. And of the certainty that we shall never know of their fate.

The next nurseries have been prepared and are ready to receive, but I fear the consequences of these experiments. The smaller children...the idea was to make it easier for them to pass through the birth canal. After all, when we begin to terraform on a wider scale we may not have the luxury of medically assisted births. We must make it as easy as possible for people to give birth without intervention. I hope these children will not be too small that they cannot survive independently. We have their incubators on standby of course, but given that we are to land on a potentially hostile landscape very shortly...we will need all able bodies, all resources to make that happen and establish ourselves. They need to be strong enough by then. Those who were implanted with multiple embryos worry me even more. If a person can produce several children at once, then of course that is preferable to multiple people with multiple gestation periods for a child that may not even survive in the end. The odds are more favourable to us if there are, for example, five or six in utero. But the cost to the parental body...the labour intensive nature of raising that many helpless infants all at once. Again, we have the luxury of being able to do that here, but what about out there? How can one person survive two or three or four at once? At the moment, bodies are not well designed for such things. Perhaps we should revisit some of the discarded ideas once more...

Every time we make progress I feel like our destiny branches - granting a multitude of possibilities, but with oh so many that bring us closer to regression. We barely escaped our home in time - our environment saturated with poison to such a degree that it had irrevocably changed us as a species. Millions of years of evolution halted in the face of greed and carelessness and lack of foresight. While we were busy trying to clear the floating rubbish that had piled en masse on the land and in the oceans we had already ingested too many plastic particles, too much of the detritus of industry. We fled because we had soiled our habitat to the point that our bodies were permanently chemically altered - our eons old reproductive method of flinging genetic material at each other and hoping it took root no longer viable, natural pregnancy and birth a true rarity. The crisis was so long in the making, and the solution so quick in the execution. I feel for those left behind and I hold out hope, however desperate and futile it may be, that they too find a way to survive."

Caoimhe hesitated and then stopped recording. All of her journal entries ended the same way. Much as she tried to keep to updates of how the mission was proceeding, how the experiments were progressing, she always, always came back to that anxiety, that hollow feeling of guilt that had pursued her across the galaxy deep into unknown space.

Logically, she knew that there had been little other choice. She was one of the finest scientific minds they had, one of a very few candidates to lead one of the population expansion missions. The hope was that they would scatter themselves among the stars like dandelion seeds, the ships that contained them serving both as pappus and achene, once they found suitable ground to land upon. But they had left so many behind. So many precious lives. The testing and harvesting had taken nigh on two decades. Twenty years to sort the wheat from the chaff, the sheep from the goats - idioms Caleb had so "helpfully" supplied from his religious texts. It had been on a purely voluntary basis, though that was of scant comfort to her now, and those who had donated their eggs and sperm had been well compensated, less generously if it emerged that they were unsuitable candidates for the programme. Caoimhe had been angry at the transactional nature of what had occurred, even as she understood the necessity of it. Even then at the eleventh hour when the crisis was far too large to ignore any longer, money had been the primary motivator for most to act. The chance of salvation, however slim, had been the other. There was only a very finite amount of room on each ship. Storing genetic samples was far less consuming than hosting fully grown people. But they had to take some. After all, if they had merely wanted to replicate humans they could have cloned themselves a billion times over. That wasn't the objective, though it was still the very last failsafe that they had. Collectively it had been agreed that they wanted to fix what they had broken if at all possible, to be able to reproduce as most mammals do. There had been riots when the populace had figured out what was happening. Cities, governments all burned away in the face of impotent rage and fear. But by that time the chosen fertile few had already been in orbit, surreptitiously ferried up to the stations over months and years, barely a goodbye said to their cradle of life as it fell into chaos and flame below them.

Of course, some had believed that the answer was to give up, to accept the fate coming to them. Extinction - no longer slow and drawn out but imminent and real. Caoimhe couldn't truly accept that, though. The ever searching, ever questioning scientist in her wouldn't allow it. The cracking of the human genome had been the first tentative step on the road to manipulating the human genome and that opened up so many possibilities to explore. So much potential for their future. When it had first come about some wild and eccentric experiments had occurred in telepathy, precognition, heightened extrasensory perception, some even decided to see if they could emulate cephalopods and change their outward colours to match their environment or inner emotions. This had been before the true horror of their looming demise had been clear, when some had seen the marketing potential for such things and dreamt of selling superhuman powers to the highest bidder. All else had been put on the back burner eventually, the only priority to perpetuate instead. Those experiments seemed...fanciful now. A relic of a bygone era when whimsy was still to be indulged.

Caoimhe rose from her chair and stretched, pain tinged relief rippling through her as bones finally crackled into their proper position again after hours of being hunched in an unnatural position over her desk. She couldn't sit here and ruminate all day. She needed to check the nurseries and check in with Caleb. He was responsible for their plant life , every bit as precious as the human for obvious reasons. She had been calling most of the shots on this mission thus far, but had made a point of working closely with him as much as possible. Once they had found their home, his expertise would come to the fore as they began the process of actually bedding in and surviving wherever it was they would end up. She didn't agree with a lot of what he found fascinating or relevant within his ancient holy books, but then again she understood the need to cling to something - especially something of the old world. As long as it didn't interfere with the work, she could put up with his eccentricities. She sighed heavily at the anticipation of the stretch of work ahead and exited her tiny personal room.

*** *** ***

"Professor Alarie!"

Caoimhe heard her name hissed softly through the velvet dark of the night. Her brain was slow to react, rising through sleep into wakefulness far too slowly for the liking of whomever was trying to get her attention.

"Professor! Professor Alarie! Caoimhe!!!"

It was one of the lab techs, she realised as she blearily dragged herself from her horizontal position to sit on the edge of her bunk. What was his name? Doug? Don? "I'm awake," she replied, her voice a little hoarse from dehydration.

"He's losing the child," came the panicked tone and at that Caoimhe was now fully awake. Fuck. She dragged her clothes on and flung the door open, chasing the young man who was already halfway down the sterile white corridor and heading toward the surgical ward.

They had landed on the habitable moon three weeks ago and were prepping to make their first tentative steps out onto that world. Scans had shown bird and insect life, but no large land or marine creatures that might pose a threat to their safety. Both she and Caleb had agreed to take it slow - better to sit tight within the walls of their ship for a while and make absolutely sure they weren't going to be paid a visit by something or someone that they couldn't handle. Some were finding the pressure hard to take - after so many years in space, they were desperate to find a home, somewhere to set down, breathe non-recycled air, walk on real dirt. The FTL drives had enabled them to skip across the galaxy of course, had negated the need for cryostasis while ensuring that the on board community could continue to work toward their goal. Even so, it had been a long time since they had come across any kind of potential place to live and the mood on board was tense, uneasy. The feeling of a knife edge permeated everything.

Caoimhe had hoped that some more successful live births might well raise the spirits of all, remind them of the much larger stakes than their own personal comforts. Several of those without natural uteruses had volunteered to try to bring babies to term in simulated wombs that had been surgically implanted within them, hoping to take the pressure off everyone else, to be more than living storage for sperm. The well documented and seemingly irreversible degradation of the Y chromosome appeared to interfere with these simulated uteruses however, and the weakness of the Y spermatozoa in comparison with X spermatozoa seemed to provide some insight in to why those bodies could not support life as well as others. But there was no time anymore, no time to investigate and experiment and find out exactly why there was such a high rate of failure to try to fix it. Caleb tried to quote some idiocy from his texts at her - something about certain bodies being "designed" for certain purposes. All nonsense of course. Biology was a messy thing and could rarely be viewed in such black and white terms. But whatever the outcome of tonight, she would put a stop to this particular branch of research. They had lost two foetuses and one parent and they simply could not afford to lose anyone else. Besides, medical intervention was usually a necessity in these cases. And they needed to move away from that avenue. She had hoped for a few more healthy children before she called time, but it couldn't be helped.

She washed her hands, shoved a surgical gown over her clothes, put a mask and gloves on and entered the theatre.

*** *** ***

"Well...um. I don't know what to say. Again. These...these past few weeks have been incredible in many ways. And heartbreaking in others. We managed to save the child. Barely. She was born at twenty eight weeks. A true twenty eight weeks, not via accelerated growth. She has been doing well since. He did not survive. We had to make a choice. And he insisted we choose his daughter. It was the right thing to do, I know that. And we have stored his organs and his blood and his sperm. He will live on and will assist others through his passing. But still the guilt is relentless. How much more death must we witness to perpetuate life? It seems the height of cruelty.

But on to brighter subjects. Most of the multiple births have gone extremely well. A total of thirty four infants were born to eight adults. We only lost two babies. Heartbreaking though it is, that ratio gives me hope. The smaller children are doing well too. Twelve from twelve and only four incubators needed. They are sturdy and healthy, which is what matters. Next...I have some ideas. I went back to the very start of my research, the earliest concepts I drew up. Some are ethically questionable, some medically improbable, but some...some might just work. I am interested in making conception itself easier. Perhaps through manipulation of menstrual cycles - regularly allowing more than one egg to be released at a time, or perhaps shortening the cycle so that eggs are released more frequently - although frankly I am loath to make that particular ordeal any more unpleasant if it can be avoided.

Which brings me on to the male refractory period. Why have one at all? If the need for that could be removed, wouldn't the chances of conception be greater, even if the sperm was somewhat degraded? I will need to do some research into this. But the test subjects we brought were all chosen precisely for their child making and bearing potentials, so the chances of their ejaculate being of poor quality is low. I wonder if any of the technicians would volunteer. After all, it hardly seems a terrible gift to bestow...but human trials would be quite a time away and I would need to put this forward to the others on board to hear their thoughts. We cannot start down unethical paths so soon after landing on our new home.

And what a home! The other delight of the past couple of weeks. The moon is lush, temperate, seemingly perfect for us. There are several large freshwater lakes. We have tested the waters repeatedly, filtered and boiled and distilled to make it as safe as possible. When we drink it, there is a tang of something...something distinct. It doesn't taste like any water we have ever known. There is a tiny hint of...well, it tastes to me like eucalyptus. It is quite delicious. Perhaps its just because I am finally drinking something that hasn't already passed through hundreds of kidneys! We have been drinking this water for a week with no ill effects. I am daring to hope once again.

We still do not go outside without full environmental suits and helmets on. All scans point to breathable air - the composition percentages slightly off what we are used to, but nothing that will cause us harm. Deconstruction of the outer parts of the ship has now begun. The hold was made overly large for this very purpose. Now we have arrived, we have begun to transform it into the hub of a habitation area. It will connect first to some sleeping quarters for those who are working on construction, then our galley and then to the hydroponics bays, arboretum and plant nurseries. The arboretum seems almost redundant. The trees here are enormous - beautiful. Trunks metres across, yellow and green leaves far above, thick, twisted branches all the way down. They look so inviting, like we should be climbing them. The primal, genetical call of our distant ancestors across time. And while I keep referring to "we", I personally have not explored, merely viewed the footage taken by others and observed what I can through the viewports. My work keeps me firmly tied to the labs and surgical wards right now, and neither of those will be moving from the core structure of the ship any time soon. I do envy those who can go out. I will have to earn that particular luxury. But my time will come.

The GAIA tanks are almost ready to be decanted. I debated simulating a navel with the next batch, in an attempt to further integration. If they can't tell who was grown in the tank and who was grown in the womb, perhaps there will be less tension on board. Personally, I find the scars on their backs quite beautiful. They're all non - functional marks anyway. Who cares what they look like? People get hung up on the most inane things."

*** *** ***

"It has been several months since my last entry. Work has been frantic, unceasing. When I am not in the lab I am in the galley and when I am not in the galley I am sleeping, though those occasions seem to be few and far between. I have not had a breath to think of anything else except what must be done. I presented my idea for the refractory experiment to the other scientists on board and they too saw the potential that I had. We worked tirelessly and very shortly the mice we experimented on were able to survive the physical change. Admittedly we rushed human trials, as everything is rushed now. We um...well I hadn't counted on the psychological effects of such a change."

Caoimhe halted, shook her head at the horrific memory of what had transpired.

"The first volunteer...he...he went insane. His desire took over and he...killed himself in the end. He couldn't switch it off, it was as if because he could continue he had to, regardless of how exhausted he was. Or how willing his partners were. We isolated him for his crimes. This isn't a prison ship, we had nowhere truly suitable. We thought he would calm, that we could give him drugs, therapy, something to rein him back. But by the time we came to see him the next morning he had torn strips from his bedding and-"

She ran a shaking hand over her tired, puffy eyes and swallowed thickly before continuing her voice low and defeated.

"They dismissed my other ideas out of hand and called an immediate halt to the experiment. But I know it has merit. If I can just tweak it in the mice, I know we can make it work. There are so few unmitigated successes in Science. Surely they must know that. I just need time. More time. And then, when I am successful perhaps they will revisit my other ideas. I must go...I must get back to it. I can feel it begin to consume my mind. Obsession is knocking. Perhaps I will take a trip outside soon. Just to have a break from those cold, white walls and glaring lights. In fact-"

She broke off again and sat, pensive. When was the last time she had been in any other part of the ship? Was there even a ship anymore? How were the habitation sections coming along? She hadn't even seen Caleb for...days? Maybe weeks. She shook her head, trying to dislodge the bleary fog of weariness and the seesaw feelings of hope tipping into despair tipping into hope. She needed a break. And she was going to get it.

*** *** ***

"Caoimhe, I'm so glad you could join us!" Caleb's soft voice cut through musings she didn't even realise she was dwelling upon as she approached the locker room next to the airlock.

"Join you?" she asked, perplexed. Caleb's smile faltered to a frown as he took in her slightly disheveled state and her quizzical, not-entirely-present look.

"We are going out for a little botany jaunt," he said gently. "Everyone who wants to come is welcome. Many have been outside and returned unharmed and we are finally satisfied that the atmosphere is breathable and there are no lurking surprises out there fauna wise. Environmental suits are still necessary, but you don't have to wear a helmet. I er...I messaged you about it. Several times. You haven't responded to any of my missives for a while."

"I'm sorry Caleb," she said sincerely. "I was so caught up in this latest round of trials that I forgot...well...everything else. I decided to come out today because I feel that my focus is tipping into an unhealthiness of mind. I need a break."

Caleb nodded, relief visible in his eyes. "That's good," he replied, his tone soothing. He leaned closer to her and lowered his voice conspiratorially. "I heard about what happened. I just want you to know that no one blames you. You are under such pressure and these things can never be so precise...its why we conduct tests and experiments after all. At least we know it not to be a viable avenue. We can move on from it."

A flare of anger surged in her chest at his words and at the tone she now felt was patronising in the extreme. What could he possibly know about her work? Or how much pressure she was under? He who grubbed in the dirt day after day while she was trying to save an entire species? She suddenly saw the afternoon stretch ahead of her - Caleb bleating about his philosophy, about how God had blessed them with such a place...what had he taken to calling it? Eden? Elan? Something he had picked up anyway. They would walk and he would want her to talk about what she was working on and want to talk about what he was working on and the dozens of people out with them would all be exclaiming over the place and making noise...Caoimhe could feel the beginnings of a headache just at the imagining of it all and her energy left her at precisely the same time as her enthusiasm for this walk. She wanted to be alone. She would go out when the shine had begun to wear off for everyone, when she could be at peace out there. Until then...well it wasn't as though she didn't have enough to do.

Caleb had continued to talk when she had not and she broke into his speech, not caring how rude it was.

"I'm sorry Caleb, but I feel a little unwell," she announced. "I will defer this time. But I will go out very soon. I just...I need to lie down."

She vaguely thought she heard Caleb try to say something as she departed, but by that time Caoimhe was back in the well of her mind, her thoughts already turning to the myriad of problems they faced.

*** *** ***

It started slowly, an insidious oozing. Seeping that began to saturate. Trivial arguments that should have been resolved and forgotten about. Clashes in personality that had previously been amicable enough and now seemed insurmountable. Long term partners suddenly separating, citing irreconcilable differences and moving into different spheres of the habitat. Lively chatter and laughter replaced first with sullen silence and then angry words. The cloud settled upon the settlement and no one realised the mistake that had been made until it was far too late.

Certainly not Caoimhe. After her interaction with Caleb she had locked herself away again in her lab, this time bringing a supply of ration bars, water, and setting up a makeshift bed within the rooms so she could throw herself into her work ever more intensely. A part of her realised that she was in too deep, that she should try to find her way back to others, but the greater part was still grieving the loss of her lab tech volunteer. She had done that to him. And she owed him and everyone else to put it right.

Besides, she knew there could be a breakthrough, they were so close, she could almost taste the victory...She spent most of her time with her headphones on and laptop close, blocking out the audible and visual of everything except her tasks. Those few times a message notification flicked up she ignored it. Ignored too the multiple missed call notifications that appeared one day after she had fallen asleep in front of the screen, headphones blaring the soothing sounds of long-dead oceans into her mind. If they really need me, they'll call back. Or come to visit, she rationalised as she returned to her projects.

When she finally surfaced back to her surroundings it was only because she realised she had run out of water. She glanced at the date on her computer and was shocked to discover that she had closeted herself for eight whole days. She stood, her legs protesting at their lack of proper exercise. It was definitely time to step outside of the lab again. She had made excellent progress, but her mind was beginning to falter and she needed a change of scenery. She briefly wondered why she had received no visitors in that whole time - no Caleb, no lab techs, no happy parents with newborns - but she quickly realised that they must have thought her upset, sulking over her failure. The fact that she had ignored all attempts at contact couldn't have helped, nor had the way she had been so dismissive of Caleb the last time she had seen him. Shame flooded her as she realised that she owed him an apology. He had always been her friend, despite their differences. He hadn't deserved being brushed off that way.

The door to her lab opened with a sprightly tone as it always did and Caoimhe halted in the face of something peculiar. A gurney had been pushed up against her door. She peered out into the corridor, first one way and then the other. There seemed to be nothing else out of place. She pushed it gently out of the way, over to the opposite wall. Someone's idea of a prank maybe? There wasn't a whole lot of room down this corridor though, and it would have taken someone unnecessary effort to get it there from the surgical ward. And it was a poor prank at best. Her door slid open sideways, there was no chance of either it or her colliding with the gurney. She set off down the corridor toward the hydroponic bay, a tickle of unsettled feeling at the back of her skull.

That tickle became a trickle down her spine and into her gut as she progressed. Something was definitely wrong. Where was everyone? Why was it so quiet? She passed a viewport without really seeing what was beyond as her mind ticked over, then she froze and very slowly walked backward to look through it, her eyes wide in shock. Parts of the cannibalised cargo hold were still recognisable. Work had apparently progressed well, and several branching corridors had been constructed from that main atrium - five that she could see. Only two of those ended in actual rooms. Two were still open ended, coming out into the lushness of the moon itself. One led into a partially completed room and it was this that had caught her attention. It was like a stage play, a sliver of incongruous modernity and soulless technology against a backdrop of verdant, green, overwhelming natural life. A tiny opening into a different world, inviting her to observe a moment frozen in time.

The endless sterile white that she had come to expect, and she now realised took for granted, was sullied. Heavy sprays of black that she knew had once been red decorated the walls like an abominable Rorschach test - one where death was all that could be deduced. Three bodies lay heavy and unmoving on the floor, the breeze softly rippling through hair and clothing. One still clutched a welding tool, the stain at the tip clearly visible against the (mostly) white of the tiling even a hundred metres away as she was. She couldn't tear her eyes away, and the more she looked the more she saw. There a hammer, a puddle of gore surrounding it incriminatingly. There a table turned on to its side, presumably an attempt at defence given how battered and bloody the top of it was. There an arm, apparently ripped from its socket and flung clean across the room, though she could clearly see it was extraneous, given that all three bodies already had a full complement of limbs...

She gasped, air unable to fill her lungs, bile rising heavily through her gullet, dry mouth, pounding head...she bent over and retched, the small amount of rations consumed hours before coming back up to stain this pristine floor too. When she straightened, she realised she was no longer alone. Caleb was ahead of her in the corridor, watching her as she might observe a vaguely interesting yet not unexpected chemical reaction. He had an extremely large, extremely sharp pair of shears in his hand. Caoimhe's eyes flicked from them to his face and back again. She felt as if she were frozen to the spot, waiting for him to make the first move, for him to dictate if the moment would descend into a madness of the sort she suspected had occurred out there.

"Caoimhe." His voice was hoarse, as though he had been silent for too long. Or screaming came a distinctly unhelpful voice in the back of her mind. "At last."

"What's happened, Caleb?" she asked, her voice soft with fear and sorrow.

He laughed, and it wasn't his usual bird like trill. It was deeper, less free, more knowing. "What indeed? And where have you been throughout might be a more pressing question." He advanced a few steps and she retreated in kind. He hesitated and then looked down at the shears in his hand, seeming to notice them for the first time. A succession of emotion passed over his face - surprise, sadness, fatigue and finally determination as he looked back up at her. "Where have you been, Caoimhe?" he asked again, his voice now low and menacing.

"I was...In...In my lab," she mananged to stammer out, still shuffling backward in increments she hoped he wouldn't notice.

"Your lab," he echoed flatly. "Your lab?! And you didn't notice anything?"

"Notice what? Caleb, please. You're scaring me!"

"Where. Were. You?" he asked again, advancing further.

"In my lab! I told you! I was...I was working on the refractory problem. We were so close...I thought If I could just try again-"

"You didn't hear the running? The screaming? The attempts at communication? Is that what you're expecting me to believe Caoimhe?"

"Yes! Goddamnit Caleb, yes!" she yelled, desperately. "I was in there for over a week! Listening to notes and music, typing, conducting tests...I lost track of everything. You know how it is when you get hold of something like that, its as if the rest of the world fades! I spoke with you that day about going outside and then I grabbed supplies and I locked myself away. And when I got out today someone had wedged a gurney against my door and I'm seeing DEAD BODIES outside and your behaviour is quite frankly alarming and I don't understand!" She stood there, chest heaving, her eyes desperately searching Caleb's face for a single clue - either about what had occurred or about what his next move would be.

He stared at her for several seconds then seemed to wilt, semi collapsing against the wall, the shears still clutched in his hand and his head bowed. "Going outside," he mumbled bitterly, his voice so quiet that Caoimhe had to strain to hear him even over the ringing silence that had fallen. "That was the beginning of it." He straightened with visible effort, leaning against the wall fully now, his head tipped toward the ceiling as if he couldn't bear to look at her while he spoke. "It seems so long ago now...but your little tantrum saved us both," he declared colourlessly. "After you left, I didn't much fancy a walk either. My enthusiasm departed with you and instead I found myself worried about whatever it was you were going through. I decided that I would go out with a later group - send someone from hydroponics in my stead to scout for potential edible vegetation." His head lolled to the side, finally meeting her gaze and his eyes were now expressive - full of sorrow and a gathering of tears. "Whatever is out there, our scanners can't detect it," he whispered. "Its in the soil, or the pollen, perhaps even the air itself. Samples upon samples upon samples have been taken and tested in every conceivable way and they are all perfectly normal. But they weren't - those who went out without their helmets I mean. They weren't normal when they came back. They were...fidgety. Restless. Dissatisfied. Spoiling for arguments. Those arguments quickly turned violent. Fatal. Well you've seen-" Caleb gestured vaguely over his shoulder at the viewpoint behind him. "We couldn't stop them. Couldn't reason with them, couldn't even contain them. Everyone who tried ended up dead. They just went beserk, no limit to their strength in their madness. We realised the correlation fairly quickly. Disinfected the airlock. Burned the suits that had been used and decontaminated the others. But eventually we had to separate people. Those who had been out without protection and those who hadn't. It...it degenerated so quickly. Everything just...fell apart. Thankfully, whatever it was and however it worked it seemed contained to those who had been in direct contact with the outside. There was no cross contamination. We cut off the habitation side. Shored it up. Welded everything shut. And then we listened to them tear each other apart." His voice broke on the last sentence, tears fully streaming down his face now.

She could feel how slack her face had gone. The scientist in her was screaming questions about viruses and if there was a possibility that this was not a natural occurrence but some sort of weapon and how on earth this was going to impact their projects. But only one question emerged from her, one terrible question that she could barely get out past the lump in her throat and the quivering of her lips. "How many?"

"Between those who were directly affected and those that they killed...we lost about two thirds of us," Caleb confessed quietly, and Caoimhe gave a loud sob and collapsed against the corridor wall too. Two thirds. There hadn't been that many of them to begin with. More than half of their precious cargo. More than half of their numbers.

"The children?" She forced the question out, needing to hear but not wanting to know the answer.

"They're fine," came the reply, and a knot she didn't even realise had been there loosened in her chest allowing tears to fall freely down her face for the first time in many years. Thank God. Thank God they were fine. Caleb appeared in front of her and she was so loose limbed and exhausted from the weeks of unending toil and the catastrophic news she had received, she couldn't even find it in herself to respond with fear to the shears that he was holding.

"I won't tell you that it's okay," he said bluntly. "It's not. But we have the labs and the tanks and the hydroponics. Most of the ship is still intact. We can leave, get away and-"

"No." Caleb looked at her quizzically. "We can't," she elaborated. "At least not yet. I have too many expectant parents...At least...at least I hope I still..."

Caleb nodded and touched her shoulder reassuringly. "They're safe too," he confirmed. "We kept them with the children and babies, kept them away from everything."

She nodded numbly, tears still streaming down her face. "Then they can't go through takeoff. I won't risk them. We need to do the best we can here. Use the tanks as much as we can. Teach and nurture. Prepare and grow our numbers. Then when we have a crew again we can leave, find somewhere better. Ensure that this doesn't happen again."

"Caoimhe-" he began, but she interrupted him.

"Please Caleb," she begged. "I can't lose anyone else. And I don't think you can bear to either."

He stared at her for a few moments, then nodded in clear resignation. "Come on," he invited. "Let's go to the nurseries. The children and remaining parents are left inside. The expeditions were supposed to be staffed by crew only, not civilians. But some of them just...they just wanted to see..." His voice trailed off, hopeless with grief.

They began to walk in silence - back down the corridor toward Caoimhe's lab and onward to where the tanks and nurseries were situated. As they passed her room, Caoimhe heard her voice speak as if coming from miles away. "How did that gurney get against my door?"

Caleb made a noise that could have been a hiccup or a snort. "I put it there," he confessed. "When the chaos began to descend, of course I tried to contact you. I pounded on your door, rang the bell, tried to guess the code. Nothing. I assumed that you had found your way out after all and gotten caught up in what was happening. At the very start we attempted to treat the afflicted. The gurney was part of an abandoned attempt to bring someone into the medical bay. When we realised what we were up against, we collectively made the decision that we could not allow those people anywhere near the children. That's when we herded them, sealed them into the habitation section. When I next passed this way I made another attempt at entry into your lab and when I could not I placed the gurney against your door. I don't even know why. A marker, perhaps? So that if your door ever did open and someone emerged, I would know. It worked too." A wan shadow of Caleb's old smile flitted across his lips. "The movement of the gurney drew my eye to the screen monitoring outside your room. It's how I knew to meet you here." She opened her mouth to ask a question, but he continued, correctly anticipating what she was going to say. "A lot of equipment was damaged in those first few days. Including the monitoring equipment that had already been transferred across to habitation. Some of the recordings from the past six weeks were corrupted or destroyed and we don't have an entirely accurate picture of what occurred. That's why we don't have a true account of exactly who was sealed inside, who fled through the forests, who killed whom. All we have is a head count of those left on this side, and a personnel list. I'm glad I can add you to the tally of the living." He gave another watery smile which almost immediately translated into a grimace as his chin began to wobble. "Perhaps its better that we don't have the footage," he added with a shudder. "I've already seen so much that I never...I can't..."

He trailed off, his face pinched and weary. Caoimhe took the hand that didn't contain a weapon and squeezed it, a message of silent solidarity and comfort.

*** *** ***

"Its a life we're rebuilding. Of sorts. I'm sure there are people worse than us out there in the vastness of the universe. But we have all had to make sacrifices. We have all had to erase those boundaries that we swore were immutable. Morality cannot exist in a vacuum, cannot exist when we face such a grim reality as this. Some chose their deaths instead. They couldn't live with what they had witnessed, the loss of those dear to them, the notion of potentially never leaving what is left of the ship again. Of course, we have salvaged what we can of them to assist us. Nothing is ever wasted here.

All that exists is the work and finally my ideas have been met with greater enthusiasm than I could ever have predicted. Two distinct wombs within one person. A revival of some of the more supposedly frivolous genetic manipulations with chameleons and cephalopods so that there is a physical manifestation upon the skin when someone genetically compatible is near. Making all female presenting genitalia internal, so that there is more room to give birth vaginally - after all a few extra centimetres can be life or death without medical intervention. These experiments are currently in progress, with varying levels of success. And all it took to make it happen was the near-total destruction of our little corner of civilisation.

Caleb and I have taken charge as joint leaders of the rest. They need to be led, shepherded if you will. Their primary purpose now is to perpetuate. And while a part of me is disgusted about reducing whole people to this one act, that part is small and growing weaker. I find my thoughts flinty these days, my heart like granite. And since we cannot be sure what caused the madness within us, I cannot be sure that it is not an offshoot of the same. Or perhaps it is merely pragmatism. Regardless, I cannot find it in myself to care about those moral judgments as much as I once did. It is an irony that I have begun to find some comfort in Caleb's religious texts while he himself has outright rejected them, unable to maintain faith in the face of what he has seen and done. We still get along well. I am glad that here, at what feels like the end of all things, I have a friend such as him. His child is strong, healthy, growing within me day by day.

I say me...

Secrets abound, even now.

I took it upon myself to keep back a few of the GAIA tanks for my own use. Caleb is the only one who knows what they are truly for, though we will be unable to keep it hidden forever. The third batch of clones are coming along nicely and these ones are the most precious of all. I have attempted a basic memory transfer, which seems to have been well received. No longer will we have to spend years teaching them what I already know - they shall be born with that knowledge and can pick up the work immediately. Caleb had no interest in physical intimacies and so his sperm was matched with an egg donor from our database and implanted into one of the first set of clones, the ones with the physical modifications I have begun to perfect. I do not wish to experiment on anyone unnecessarily. Thus, my clones seem perfect. After all, they are me and I give my consent. And we are so few now...the babies and children outnumber the adults by some margin. Someone has to take care of them all. And someone has to begin rebuilding the ship. I already have plans for batch number four. If the memory transfers are successful this time around, I shall take the transcriptions and logs from the engineers that we lost and attempt to upload them into the next few mes. From my limited understanding of these things, it seems that the FTL drives are still working perfectly and with a little tweaking we can get the core of the ship back to being space-worthy.

Caleb is right. We cannot stay on this death trap forever. We cannot live with the ghosts of our mistakes forever. We must be bold, soldier on. Away into a future with a brighter prospect.

#starman ezra #worldbuilding y'all #prospect fanfiction #prospect fanfic

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theliterateape · 6 years ago

Text

Rib Of Twilight

By Dana Jerman

Written as a companion to the photography of William Eggleston, and for fellow photographer Matthew Staton.

MY FIRST MEMORY OF NEW MEMPHIS IS PINK.

Pink sky all the time like morning had perpetually confused itself with twilight. A beautiful effect. No rose colored glasses needed.

Sometimes the air, tho’. That smelled like alligator sweat or an unwashed sleeping bag. Bone River wasn’t too far off from the house where my grandma grew up and we now lived. And a secret play place was an old barn no one had yet bothered to tear down holding up the oldest end of the largest farm for miles. It’s long gone now. But oh the spiderwebs and the weeds and how the dust would move even while rain sounded on the roof like something you hear at the end of the world. And it was. That place was always a noble terrain beaming into tomorrow. On toward its own transit of liberated dreaming which provided nothing much more but dreams.

So much the better this. I trafficked within the scope of play and luminous musings.

My best friend was John. This was my grandad’s name too, altho’ I’m quite sure that’s got nothing to do with how well we got on.

He had this amazing ability to find food just by drifting thru the neighborhood. Like he’d put a spell on people and they’d want to feed him. They’d feed me too if I came around with him.

One time we were throwing rocks under some Bone River viaduct in the east end and when I turned around he’s sitting yards away and up in a copse with his hand in a bag. There were two bags I saw on approach. He handed me one. It was filled with a round loaf of bread and it’s still warm. I ate it right then without thinking. Only later did I comprehend, over breakfast cereal, how I never got sick and how that wasn’t weird at all. His aunt too seemed to have an endless supply of candy bars.

My grandparents owned three massive quarries that bordered New Memphis. I could say it’s hard growing up not knowing your parents at all, and sure, I wondered about them. So many little stories I made up, like anyone with half a brain is supposed to, about your dead family. That’s not it, tho'.

Grandpa John was hard working. Grandma Betsey made me laugh and was insanely good at storytelling. I loved them and they loved me and let John stay over any time. We got to see how it was working in the quarry without feeling like we were being groomed for the job. Some of the guys who worked for Grandpa John scared the piss out of me for how big they were. They smelled like woodsmoke and mountaintop granite like they were made of the stuff. Brisk and robust and necessary. Each man on the team was a station of the cross.

Remember that old barn I was talking about? The day I found it out and made it a thinking and hiding place was the same day Grandma Betsey told me about Miranda.

Miranda Blake was New Memphis’ own ghoulish tragedy. She was a child beauty pageant queen turned horse whisperer. She was just a little older than Betsey then — a teenager — and the toast of the town. Everyone loves her and she trains horses so well and she’s just gorgeous. Anyway one afternoon she goes on a ride and says where she’s going and that she’ll be back at dusk. But dusk came and went. And then the horse she was riding shows up early the next morning on the opposite end of town with no rider and no tack. Miss Miranda is gone. She never turned up. Not one sign of her.

So many little stories I made up, like anyone with half a brain is supposed to, about your dead family.

Now all this piqued me. It made me think about death and unknown things. Things I hadn’t thought of before even with my own parents being gone and all. But their story had resolved.

And anyhow, what if I could find Miranda? What if my grandma told me this mystery so I would be the one who solved it? This meant it was time to start looking at things more closely and maybe start asking better questions.

I know at least once Grandma Betsey regretted telling me that story, because I ran with it as far as I could. She indulged me. Talking and talking over and over it. But one day I fell asleep in the barn and the woman thought I went and pulled a Miranda on my own with no horse. And I made it worse by keeping a secret of where I’d been. But all Grandpa John had to say was if I liked sleeping outside so much he’d make sure to bolt the doors after hours so I could do it more often.

That’s around the time I started wearing a watch, I’m sure.

I had a dream right after that which cured me of thinking about Miranda. Woke right full up after it and remembered the whole thing. I don’t think it was me in the dream. Me, I guess, but also just a plain observer.

I walked from the barn into a dense place in the woods I never go into in real life only because it is so dense I’m afraid to get lost in there. But I know she’s there, so I go. It doesn’t take me long to get to the place I know she’ll be. She rises up out of a patch of soft green moss and lots of powdery white mushrooms. She’s wearing a flowing gown in lavender to match the twilight. She walks, I follow. I sit with her on a wide rock and she tells me she’s happy. She’s not lost, but in fact she belongs to something now that she always had a little part of, and do I want a little part of it too? And I’m back to really being me so I say yes. And I’m close enough to see how her skin and the dress are one and the same color. Maybe even made of the same thing. And she reaches into the dress, into herself, and brings out a wand but I know instantly that it’s a rib. One of her many ribs that hold so much magic. But all the light is in this one, it goes deep into it — collects in it, and I’ve got to reach out and grasp it before everything around it goes dark, which is happening fast and as I reach out I almost touch it. But waking life catches me and I bolt up.

I never could have touched the rib. I know all the things the rib means, and some of those meanings are like invitations to parties I wasn’t ready to go to just yet. Still not ready, you know? Like, maybe my own funeral party. I said yes, but I didn’t really mean yes. Not all the way, anyway. Miranda is patient, tho’, I believe. She can wait for me. And hopefully, much later, she’ll try me again for the hand off.

JOHN AND I GOT OUR FIRST JOBS in the dining hall at the largest retirement home in New Memphis called The Twelve Oaks. This courtesy of his aunt who also worked there and thought it was best that John palled around with me because I was a “good egg.” Her name was Ginger, but I always called her Miss Winter.

The Twelve Oaks wasn’t hard to get to. But every day was a trip if you know what I mean. I might ride with Grandpa John past the north quarry junction and jump out at the fork, walking just up over the hill and into town. Then it was busy from the moment I got there and by the end of shift I sometimes got to feeling a little raw, and keen for silence. Those walks home, long and dusky, away from demands and order and back out into the pink. That limbo where I truly belonged… I needed it.

I needed this time to think more than ever after Bernadette started. I had been on the job two months before she arrived and captured my interest.

A while after, for the first time in a long time, John and I were on the same shift, and the evening was inviting, so he asked if he could walk me back. He was acting a little different and looked a little different that day too, and I couldn’t figure it, but I felt it was better, anyhow. More open than he’d been lately.

He smiled and spoke quickly and the fading light matched his blue eyes. “I’m just going to talk.” He said “You don’t have to say a thing.”

He told me, steady and clear, that he knew I liked Bernadette because she liked me too. It didn’t matter how he knew. That he'd asked Ginger to throw a party for him for his sixteenth, and hoped we both would be there. And also, tho’ we were growing up fast, he valued my friendship and hoped that we would always remain friends and friendly, and that this wouldn’t change just because he was gay.

He sighed after he told me this last part. I looked at him and saw his face relax like a cloud coming apart. And time stopped for a while as I hugged my friend and said nothing. I didn't cry. I'm not one to be moved to that, really. But he had given me so much just in those few moments, tears wouldn’t have been out of place.

Up until then I don’t think I knew that gay was something you could be. But then I understood completely. And everything felt right and good.

And soon after September comes and I’m sixteen now too, and Bernadette and I have been steady for nearly a month and she’s met Grandma Betsey a time or two and I know they get along fine. Soon enough she meets Grandpa John and I meet her parents and everyone knows everyone else a little thru the wayside besides. That’s just protocol for the people around here, New Memphis being comprised of citizens more old than new, it seems.

School has started. As usual for me, some of it is easy, some hard. I like it so long as there isn’t too much homework, which is kind of a thing you could say about anything that doesn’t have much to do with school either.

Another year passes and they tear down the barn to connect two roads. After that I start using my camera more often.

Bernadette’s little brother Jake has taken a shine to me and asks to use the camera a lot, so this means for some reason we’re out in the graveyards a bit. Really, it’s for the light. It’s best there at dusk, and Jake seems to love staying out just as late as he is able. I do my best to be more escort than babysitter. That’s for both our sakes.

He wants to get into back yards and all sorts of places we shouldn’t go and asks all these forward questions about his sister he knows aren’t his business but pries anyhow and it’s almost sweet. Keeps me from having to move the conversation along.

Jake was the first person to show me to myself as older. Thru him I saw myself as an adult with responsibilities and lots of life coming my way. I would get old. Most likely right here in New Memphis and it was as fine a place as any. I went to work and looked at things and counted my blessings.

One day I told Jake about Miranda Blake. I’d never told anyone else about her who didn’t know about her already. But that was the first Jake heard of it and of course he asks me all million questions to follow, like I asked of Grandma Betsey, which made me smile to remember it anew.

I’d like to think Jake knew I was sharing something special. Then again we were all of us a bit enamored here and then with stories of vanishing and disappearances.

He wanted to know if I had anything that belonged to her, or what kind of things did she leave behind? And that gave me pause, because I’d never thought of her, or her case, that way before.

Then the question for me got caught between that place where you consider what you might leave behind and what is left to you, which is kind of all the same thing. Like a big merry-go-round of belongings all changing hands from life to life. That thought brought me back to Miranda’s rib. But I didn’t tell him about my old dream. I just remarked “Don’t be surprised if you dream about her.” And he searched my face suddenly to see if I was trying to scare him. I guess my smile was enough to tell him he shouldn’t be scared. He grinned then. In that way he liked to do when he thought we had a secret going.

I’ll be he did dream about her. But never did say anything to me about it if he did.

And we didn’t see too much of one another after that.

He got a job right out of the fifth grade helping his uncle Wes with his lawn and garden business, and this too was around the time Betsey fell ill and passed within two weeks.

She was only in the hospital for the last three days. It was as if she spent more and more of every day in bed with something that felt to her like the flu. Until she couldn’t get out of bed at all.

Cousins and kinfolk I’d never before met descended on the house like it was some kind of inaugural convention, and most of them were so nice I wished they’d stay. Or, at the very least, live here in New Memphis so that we’d have some extra support for Grandpa John, who needed me more and more often to drive him up to the quarry when he wished to go, which I was fine to do, naturally, as it was less and less often that he wished to do so. By that time he’d sold the quarry production operations off to the Morton Brothers effective at Grandma Betsey’s passing. The Brothers had worked for him for years. Maybe even from the start. They revered him and he knew they would take care of him and see to the proper goings-on and prosperity of the quarry. He talked of it often as “the right thing to do.” As if this was his way of showing me he wasn’t sorry to make the decision to keep me out of a business I didn’t want much to do with in the first place. Bless it.

To this statement I always replied “Absolutely, sir.”

A WEEK AFTER WE GRADUATED, I bought a ring. I thought I’d be sensible about it and give it some time. Wait until we were nineteen to ask. If that seems almost too young, well, it is. But it wasn’t done for lack of a better thing, or anything else, to do.

I only wanted very much for Grandpa John to be there, and to have a good party for everyone, and to see my Bernadette looking so sweet and pretty. I felt all the pride in the world beam from me to be next to her. In the week following she was set to begin at the nursing academy.

We didn’t care to travel as much as we wished to start building a house of our own, and did, on a lot bequeathed to us by Mr. Huntsman, Bernadette’s daddy.

I walked along it one day and realized I could practically throw a stone and hit one of the old quarry pits. Our new place would be up over a wooded hillside and on sound ground, but it reminded me how close by industry was all the time. As close as one’s own fantasy world, featuring all the play of the old times and more. That perhaps, if the one existed, it meant the other did too. Had to.

I'LL NEVER FORGET THAT WEEK, OF COURSE. That dear, kind time after we were married, but before we took off properly into our new stage of life in New Memphis together. Bernadette and I stayed near one another enraptured in the giddy bliss of newlywed love. Free with jokes and sensuality. As impractical as if we’d only just met and had been married at thirteen.

We took the time then to begin the conversation we knew and hoped it would take the whole rest of our simple, delightful, incredible lives to finish.

It was late June then, and pink. A pink as pure as at the start of the world. Our walks along Bone River stretched fluidly from noon to twilight and the unchallenged privacy of them afforded us pleasure and peace. I fell in love with her mind and her spirit all over again, and we merged memories and thoughts as smoothly as we had so recently merged our futures.

Everyone we had ever known was walking behind us. Just close enough. Holding up the pink like a backdrop for a dream.

A beautiful life. No rose colored glasses needed.

#fiction #the south #death dreams #Happiness #fate #family #pink #William Eggleston #Roberto Nickson #Devin Avery #photographer #photography #youth #Matthew Staton #Josh Appel #Stephen Ellis

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