#but lets just go ahead and put this up
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the thing i feel people don't really take enough into account when it comes to arthur's supposed obliviousness regarding merlin's magic is that merlin is the absolute opposite of what arthur has been raised to believe sorcerers to be. merlin is clumsy and kind and - in the earlier seasons - like walking sunshine. he so obviously has negative desire for actual power, nor any respect for it, and while arthur absolutely knows that merlin isn't stupid, he 100% is an idiot.
and it's not stupid or ignorant on his part! people just do this, whenever they are taught someone who does or believes a certain thing is inherently evil! it's never the friendly guy next door who snacks half of your breakfast and then just grins when you complain, obviously not! arthur trusts merlin even early on, and beyond belief later on. of course merlin can basically do magic in front of him, because there is no part of arthur that actually thinks someone like merlin could have magic. you don't see what you're 100% convinced can't be there. if he ever got there, his already brittle construct of indoctrination and supposed repeated confirmation of said construct would crumble immediately! as it does in dotd after like, a day. it only doesn't in regards to morgana because as far as arthur is concerned, the moment she started using magic she became the cold and ruthless enemy he still couldn't bring himself to actually pursue! like.
it's very easy to think it's startingly oblivious, but one thing i really wish people would keep in mind a little more is that the viewer watches from a different point of view, and operates with a whole other set of information. that arthur operates under a certain worldview in an environment that does not teach to question it at all, and gives little opportunity to do so. it's actually wild arthur questions uther's teachings as often as he does, and considering that every time he does, they, to his knowledge, just get confirmed again (nimueh, morgause, morgana, uther's death, and so on and so forth), it's even wilder that he keeps doing it
#*mine#mona's rambling#bbc merlin#arthur pendragon#bbcm#yea yea once again in the arthur trenches but i've been meaning to say this for SO long so yk#merlin meta#like. it's not as if he can go google 'are sorcerers actually evil'#he only has people's words and people's actions for it and his overall experience on that front is. uhm. not good#to put it mildly#it's frankly a lil infuriating but also very on the zeitgeist how this just rarely gets taken into account#but like. let's not go there i've managed to be so nice imma shut up while i'm ahead and all that <3
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if i had more time/energy/motivation i would write a fic that's UT Sans/Reader and seemingly very normal and slice of life
but you notice tiny little quirks and oddities around Sans and it's slowly revealed that it's actually Dust and he's taken this Sans' place to get close to you
#like it's played so straight that the readers of the fic don't even realise it's Dust either#like as you're reading it you can pick up on the lil foreshadowing bits with the reader character and put the pieces together but it-#wouldn't be SO obvious that you could figure it out immediately you know#reader character wouldn't know anything about the multiverse though so they'd just be noticing that his stories/alibis etc don't add up#and maybe he acts a lil weird sometimes around certain people#maybe he knows things he shouldn't#perhaps you get a visit from a 'coworker' of his that looks like his weird twin but /off/.....................#perhaps he lets slip some stuff that he shouldn't and now you're wondering if your Sans is actually Sans or an imposter............#but he /is/ Sans of course. just not the right one#maybe you start questioning when the switch happened. did you ever know Sans or was it always Dust? you start overanalysing all your dates#the months you've spent together#this idea is free btw if someone wants to yoink it please go ahead i do NOT have the time to dedicate to this except by maybe doodling
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Post Epilogue BKDK thought/quasi fic:
That suit probably comes with a manual and a bunch of specs, and blueprints, right?
I'm pretty sure it would come along with what All Might gave him. Alternatively maybe Katsuki has it but why would it be separate from the suit? Anyway;
But Izuku gets it and in-between grading papers, he starts studying it, wanting to take the utmost care of his suit.
He starts realizing that a lot of the direct notes about his Quirks and his techniques are in there, and furthermore...
They're all from Katsuki. Some are direct scans of notes he took and even diagrams and pictures he drew of elements of Izuku's former costume.
Each element of the suit has a section of the original concept, which would be a sketch and summary by Katsuki, along with ideas for how a suit should perform for Izuku. Sometimes a photo of Izukus old costume itself.
As Izuku pours over the manual, he becomes more and more enthralled with seeking out where technical jargon, diagrams, and hard-font gives way to Katsuki's hand writing and sketching; all of his original ideas that spurred the project on.
He starts to even notice, with some pieces, the handwriting is slightly shaky....he realizes that some of these concepts were written in the Era when Katsuki was forced to write with his left hand, his right in recovery.
Izuku covers a gasp with a scarred hand; some of these concepts of his had been written while they were still in UA together.
How had Kacchan been working on this for so long with him just never realizing? And not telling him?
He snaps the thick (hundreds of pages!) Manual shut at once and throws on some shoes and a jacket. Shortly after, he is hammering the door to Katsukis Apartment in the dark.
After a loud complaint can be heard from within about how late it is(its only 8pm), the door opens, and katsuki barely registers that it's Izuku before Izuku THROWS HIMSELF into Katsukis arms, tightly embracing him.
"Whoa, I-izuku??" All of Katsuki's former complaints choke off immediately.
"All Might said you were at the heart of the support suit project, but, it's more than that, isn't it, kacchan??" Izuku asks in a trembling voice. " All this time, Kacchan? Since we were in school, you've been working on this??"
Katsuki suddenly realizes what's happening, and he feels that heavy manual pressed in between their torsos where Izuku has it clutched. He connects the dots.
"...yeah, Izuku..." he carefully admits into green curls, dampened by the rain.
He feels Izuku shaking as he sobs into his chest, but as Izuku gently withdraws, he sees that underneath the onslaught of tears, Izuku is smiling.
"Kacchan, you...You're amazing" Izuku hiccups, tears pouring from his eyes. "I-I don't know how I can ever repay you--"
"You don't have to repay me," Katsuki quickly asserts. "Just give me your damn best out there. And don't you dare ever give up that dream of yours. And quit that crying," he grumbles as he pinches each of Izuku's cheeks as Izuku laughs.
Katsuki invites him in, saying it's too late and dark and rainy for Izuku to go back home at this hour. ( "why'd you have to run all the way across town tonight, I was going to come bug you at UA tomorrow anyway, you nerd!")
They end up looking through the book together over tea and end up passing out on the couch by 10pm, honestly kind of a late night for Katsuki, but not for Izuku who is used to staying up late grading and evaluating papers, along with getting small workouts in. He stays up just long enough to grab a blanket and cover both himself and Katsuki.
He goes to sleep thinking again about how blessed he is.
#bakudeku#post epilogue bkdk#bnha spoilers#bakugou katsuki#izuku midoriya#this is not quite a fanfic but i try#lol#would this not be a beautiful friggin moment for them#this is one of those scenes that we dont get to see but it is absolutely set up and implied#i love thinking about this#PLEASE LET THEM TALK#Hori wrote us a blank check for bkdk shenanigans and i am CASHING THAT BISH#izu realizing how much of his entire back that katsuki put into this project#just marry him already#if anyone wants to run with this idea and expand on it GO AHEAD ITS FREE GAME#and i would like to read it 👍
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I've been picking mostly only the essential flirt options with lucanis in the romance so far (I've personally found the dynamic much more natural and mutual when you do that, more like forming a solid friendship slowly and inevitably becoming something else and less like you keep pushing on him and getting little back b/c he seemingly just gets overwhelmed and goes into freeze instead), and I think rye is a pretty hard person to read at the best of times even though he's been Down Real Bad from pretty early on and their chemistry as people is naturally really good. so the way the almost-kiss plays out in this playthrough feels a lot like it has the added layer of lucanis realizing that no but for sure rook is flirting and not just being kind or a good friend* it IS actually happening it's not just wishful/fearful thinking!!! and then uh. maybe going a bit too hard a bit too fast in all the excitement at that revelation haha
*in lucanis' defense he has seemingly literally never had a friend who wasn't his cousin-brother before, under those circumstances I suppose some confusion is extremely natural if not outright expected lmao
#meanwhile rook is kicking himself for being unprofessional b/c he WAS getting something important from spite there#and also lucanis had like. just woken up was that cool of me. should I have told him. should I have slowed that down???#watcher's duty crashing into watcher's longing blues ensues#dragon age#dragon age: the veilguard#dragon age: the veilguard spoilers#dragon age spoilers#lucanis dellamorte#oc: Ellaryen Ingellvar#rook x lucanis#rookanis#I think I might have done something hilarious and a little wonderful to the lucanis romance#by making a rook who's even slower to romance than he is fhskjfhsa#even here I was straight up like 'oh this is a little early for this don't you think' on rye's behalf (it's not we have to be mid-game)#imagine how he'd fare in some of the other romances you'd just bowl him over. davrin might kill him#(and also they would kill each other for unrelated reasons during it but that's another matter (affectionate I love my lads))#lucanis has been squinting at rook in stolen moments ever since the café scene like '...did I imagine that vibe. surely not right.#i'm pretty sure. but am I. I do know he likes me. but DOES he like like me or is that just what I want it to be. this is very embarrassing#for everyone involved' (it is)#davrin has had both their numbers the entire time tho. and been extremely annoyed but professional about it#he knew from the moment these two chucklefucks showed up in his recruitment mission. and has been an adult about it. mostly#even when they've made it real hard ('so I'm gonna go ahead and assume you're not letting the abomination serial killer run around#just because you're transparently excruciatingly sweet on him. right. RIGHT??')#I have accidentally given lucanis a pattern of falling for people who keep covered neck to toe at all times#but like not to be a metaphor for their emotional intimacy issues or anything haha. imagine.#I'm making my own heart so tender by imagining lucanis struggling to get rye out of his (many-layered) robes during the romance scene#and both of them laughing right from the soul in relief and delight at each other b/c like 'how could I kill a god only to be bested#by nevarran fashion. also how in the maker's name do you get dressed so quickly in the mornings this is intense'#'same way one does anything else lots of practice and a can-do attitude'/'well I'll just have to put in the practice then'#and they just hug for a while. *head in my hands* yeah okay I can be normal. I can be normal about this.
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yk that one test with electic shocks with the dogs. thats them. i love learned helplessness
#lobotomy corporation#lobcorp#netzach#netzach lobcorp#chesed#chesed lobcorp#chesed's is way more sketchy because when i tried to make it more clear it turned out like SHIT so sorry chesed#that and i had no idea how to approach drawing him. AGAIN. so small doodle page with him to try and tackle that#ill likely make a separate post (i always say that) just rambling abt it but funny. both welfare and safety the ones whos job is to DIRECTL#-- take care of the employees of the company both respond in (generally) the same way. giving up. netzach with just tryijg to shut it out#and chesed by just... letting himself be used as a 'puppet'. to just shut off and listen. not try to devote himself to what he originally -#had and wanted to do. the welfare. the happiness and longer life and safety of the employees#but seeing it as pointless. his attempts and genuine devotion being for Nothing#so both is just... 'why try? why try when itll amount to nothing? why go ahead and put yourself through the pains and effort of Trying?'#pre meltdown of course. AUGHH smthn along those lines very general ideas yk
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with my phantom hourglass replay, there are two things i noticed;
a possible theme you could glean from the game is action vs inaction, and i think it's especially prevalent before you even leave mercay the first time, with oshus frequently urging link to not go after the ghost ship, then to just wait until the broken bridge is fixed, and seems reluctant at every turn while link and ciela are more than eager to go and do something about this problem, and the people of mercay in general talking about things and their problems but never seeming to act on their fears or desires, as well as the mention that due to the ghost ship, very very few people are still sailing around, while linebeck is one of the only people we see in the game actively going after the ghost ship and still sailing around. i might make a longer post just talking more about the action vs inaction in phantom hourglass but i just noticed it a bit and thought it was a bit of an interesting sort of theme you could find in the game.
linebeck moves so fucking much. i think he moves more than any npc in the rest of the game. not just in his intro cutscene where he is very animated, just in how much he moves when just standing in his little idle post, it's damn near distracting when the camera is focused on him, he moves a lot. i don't think i've really acknowledged how much he moves, and it really gives the impression that he's antsy or eager to get going, both of which fit him pretty well with how he acts.
#phantom hourglass#linebeck#loz#legend of zelda#salty talks#imo the action vs inaction thing feels esp interesting to me when looking at oshus specifically. he and his world are in grave danger#and he knows it and he actively does nothing and even seems reluctant to let ciela and link go ahead and do something.#of course he comes around on it but it's very interesting. has he given up at that point? thats what it suggests to me#that hes like. joined the people of mercay in just lying down and waiting for other people to fix their problems or just. not do anything#otherwise on mercay you have that old guy in the bar who spends the whole game not leaving bc he doesnt want to face his wife#and she never goes to the bar to actually look for him and just talks about it if anything#the guy with the blue tunic talks a lot about linebeck and his ship and almost gives the impression that he really wants to talk to him#but yknow. doesnt. theres the women that tells you about docks being shut down and how linebeck is the only person who's showed up#the woman you see at the broken bridge who's just like oh well! time to wait til someone fixes it.#even the guy fixing the bridge iirc is like well fuck i gotta do it or else oshus is going to bitch at me abt it#everyone seems reluctant to act which makes for an interesting way in how our main crew stands out#it is less so oh theyve been chosen specifically for this its moreso they're the ones who are fucking doing something about this#for their own various reasons some of which are more selfish but theyre still doing something#will likely have more stuff to say when im done but ofc we have other characters in the game who have to do with this#anyways. linebeck is so animated all of the fucking time it's great i dont think theres any other character that moves as much as him#when he's just standing around to talking to link it's great. he's so ready to get going.#it works with him being an anxious mess and also with like. oh he's probably understimulated. you know he's got a nasty case of wanderlust#i can put it with the idea that he's understimulated and afraid to stim in public so he's just constantly moving#he probably drums his fingers on tables bounces his leg when sitting paces around switches the way he sits or lays down often#tbh this kinda fits in with him being one of the main characters who takes action moreso than a lot of other characters#his arc culminates in him taking action he's going after the ghost ship he's moving around the world the only issue is that one of the#actions he takes is running away from his problems literally n metaphorically (tho idk if facing the jolene problem is a good idea for him)
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AHH
#coming to terms with the fact that you had more support and encouragement in high school than you do in your adult life is NOT fun feeling#like there was so much drama and no i wasnt at the maturity point that i am now and im so glad to be ahead of that phase of life but#its just that the validation that i did get was so clear and so impactful#but i think i need to let go of the need for validation because why should i live my life yearning to be praised#i shouldnt and i shouldnt idolize myself in that way because i dont want to be my own god#long story short i am both jealous of my younger self and happy to not be in her shoes anymore ??#my experience with adulthood is not good yet#like i still havent settled into where i live and i need a support system thats bigger than just two people but thats where i am at#the horrors: realizing you peaked at 16#im KIDDING#but i dont get picked up all the time anymore when im put down#and i dont feel accomplished#i feel losery#i literally started a dance team and now as an adult i cant even show up to my dance class on time#and when i am on time it doesnt matter because not everyone there even knows my name#like i would just rather be HOME than go and do the things that scare me but validate me#WOW tumblr sure is a diary tonight#i just needed somewhere to put this to get the thoughts out into the universe#delete later yknow#text#random#personal
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kind of astounding how innocuous conversations with my younger siblings can make me feel like dogshit... what are the good things about being the oldest kid supposed to be again??
#N posts stuff#two of my siblings are currently in college and they both talk about it in ways that. hm.#my sister did an accelerated program to graduate high school and go to college Early so she's got kind of an...#'i am the most put together teenager on the planet' attitude a lot at the moment. so. she talks shit about her peers like#'if she'd stop spending money on Product and just Grow UP nd get an apartment and move out of her parents' house already'#and she's like. ragging on a kid who's only Maybe 20 years old and i'm sitting at the table at almost 30 still here like '......'#and my brother has been picking my brain lately about the shit i did in college and how the classes benefitted me and all#bc i went to art school for illustration and he's getting a music degree so it makes sense#but he's like 'was college challenging for you?' and i'm like. trying to figure out how to talk around the fact that i didn't necessarily#have trouble with the Classes but was trying really hard to juggle like. being in so much pain i couldn't walk or like..#trying to do homework while in the midst of a psychotic break or having meltdowns in public restaurants like. that kind of stuff#i don't really like talking about that stuff explicitly bc. idk. it doesn't really go anywhere good. not Bad necessarily#or no worse than overhearing my mom talking to them about the validity of my autism DX behind my back at least.#but i don't talk about it. no one really takes me seriously already so. no need to exacerbate that.#i might crack jokes about it in passing but i don't Talk About It. idk what any of them think about like. any of it. or about Me i guess#idk it's weird. it's Weird bc like.. in a very general sense i feel liek i'm Doing Good. not Fantastic but better than i used to.#and like. OK w the day to day of my life; like i could Keep doing it and have A Future even if i still can't figure out what it'd BE exactl#but then idk. sometimes i hear them talk and it feels like it's just. highlighting everything that i Can't do and it just. feels ugly.#like idk where to put it. idk how to reconcile feeling stupid and small for how i live my life with the fact i otherwise feel like#generally pretty Good about my life. i spent my whole life from elementary school to like. 24 thinking i'd be dead by 18.#and it's like Just Recently i'm like 'oh i actually have a Whole Life ahead of me and thats a Good Thing' but.#like idk how to phrase it. i don't feel Bad about it but it's like i guess i'm stuck wondering if i Should be. is it Bad that i'm content?#like i can't ask the question 'is there something wrong with me' in earnest bc Yes there is but. idk#it all feels like puzzle pieces that don't fit together. 'lets see you take a crack at it wise guy' idk what i'm doing or feeling rn lmao
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lump in my armpit i've ignored for like a year,,,,, getting an ultrasound on friday 🧍
#saw an NP today and at first she was like 'seems like a cyst' and just suggested I go to a derm for an ultrasound and/or biopsy#but then she felt it some more and couldn't tell if it was movable or not and she said 'you're scaring me now girl' GREAT#so she was like 'let's go ahead and do the ultrasound' so that's happening friday#hmmm :))))))#as for why I just ignored it: too busy (lame excuse but it's true) didn't change size and only every now and then was tender#like when putting on deodorant#but oh boy#health anxiety is going up and down#personal
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There's a big difference between fake it till u make it and lying to yourself just so u can feel better and people often forget that.
#im people#last year around this same time#i knew i was in a deep pit and i could do nothing but fall#so i decided to put up a mask that im doing good that im trying that im very disciplined and what not#but that was all just so i could face myself in the mirror and not to fall in my own eyes#and so i decided to lie to myself and everyone and even though it did help me gain some sort of control over myself and i did feel confiden#the aftermath left me feeling shattered#moral of the story: stop lying to urself in the name of “fake it till u make it”#stop pretending that u are moving mountains when in reality u are just barely surviving#coz trust me it will come around and bite u back in the ass#just wanted to let this out and face myself#but if u are actually working hard towards changing urself#putting in the efforts#then go ahead fake it till u make it#personal
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this crew was the fucking worst I literally cried on the way home
#you know when people are casually mean as if they think you're lesser than? but still pretend to be your friend?#giving backhanded advice?#honestly I cried because I was exhausted but after napping on the bus I woke up with a whole new attitude abt it#fuck that#and fuck you!#don't give me fake advice. if you don't like something I did say it like a man instead of acting like you're just ''giving me tip''#I've been here for a fucking year and the guy treated me like a rookie. I don't need your advice.#if you don't like something I did go ahead and gossip with you friends I don't give a shit#don't give me fake advice#fucking hate this omg#this was a CHIEF PURSER btw. over 15+ years of experience#I guess that's the issue here. god complex#I swear the fact that my employee number is different from the old ones has put me through so much hell#it's like they see it and immediately decide they don't respect you!#the other crew member literally asked if she could stay on galley duty and when I said ''oh? I was... kinda ready to be on galley''#as in I checked literally everything for the flight on system for galley duty and checked nothing from isle duty#and she STILL didn't back down!#I was literally pressured into giving away a duty that was MY RIGHT!#and the asshole chief purser who didn't respect me either was like ''oh let's just put her on the way there and you on the way back''#no???? that's my position! fuck you!#I just gave it up because I didn't think it was worth fighting over it but after they kept disrespecting me for being new....#I'm starting to feel like I should've been more firm and say no#I need to stop letting people step all over me this is getting ridiculous!#rambles*
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hm
#okay well i put my fics back up#it doesnt actually matter but theyre there#no one will read them still but that can be okay i guess#i think im at a place where im content with what im writing at least so i can just do that without validation#idk if ill go back to posting weekly like i was because i think that made it worse or like more noticeable that no one was reading#if anyone does read and maybe comment if you want to id love u forever#im like a decent amount ahead at the moment so i coudl keep posting and if i dont stay ahead then i could just post whne i have a chapter i#if anyon is reading and has any opinions like if u want weekly updates or whatever you can let me knnow#im rambling in the tags and no one is going to read these either#i have too many things to say for someone who doesnt matter#but also if anyone wants to talk about my writing you can id love to talk about it#okay ill shut up now#sorry if you read all this
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ANYWHO goodnight tumblr i'll be back on the art grind tomorrow i think 🙏
#haunted ecosystem#i'll take a burst of creativity in a different form than usual than the burnout slump i've been in for a few months#<- part of why my fandom stuff has taken a smidge of a backseat#dont get me wrong i am still very excited about my fandoms im just having fun off in oc hell (affectionate)#its nice to just be able to create and not really worry about perception. and also i feel Less bad about just throwing ocs into the wringer#((blame the fact i've been REALLY interested in whump recently and i have been. fixated. on one of my characters.))#and ALSO i've been! rekindling my flame for wtds. i've been putting off thinking about it since that fic got.#nothing bad happened? but it was still very devastating that somebody who i considered a friend from that fic just. evaporated.#but i'm gonna finish that fic for him :) even if it takes a year. even if it's the one thing i finish ever. it'll be wtds.#for where its gotten me and the fact its what got me out of my shell and is the reason i trust that my writing is good!#i used to really hate rereading my work. i catch flaws that are obvious to me. but that fic. i just think about how *good* the story is#that story means. a lot to me? as a person? like the main character is not a good person. but people care about him anyway.#and there are so many little things. so many sentiments. so much that is a love letter to people who've done bad but learnt to do better#because. god knows i wasnt a good person even just a few years ago. and maybe i see myself in him a bit.#he came from a place of paranoia and fear and pain. and maybe its a good thing that i've found it difficult to write him recently.#because god. i've been HAPPY. even with the rough moments and bad days. i've been happy. i mean fuck.#my birthday's what. ten days away? god damn man. i'm going to be 18. that's an achievement.#i want to look the kid who thought it was over at half my age and tell him we fucking made it. and there are more years to come.#there's a life ahead. even if it's going to be a bitch. even if it's going to be tough. there's love in your heart and people who care and#you're going to fucking live and you're going to feel better one day. you have people to meet properly and thank and cherish.#because for every day it feel like the world's ending there are a dozen more where the sun shines just the right way through the rain#and you can't help but smile because it's just so god damn beautiful.#and fuck it. you're sick. your hands hurt and your legs don't work right. and it's tough sometimes. but you have people who understand.#you have people who honest to god love you for who you are and appreciate your company. and 18 is the first step.#you've spent half your life unlearning things and you've spent half your life relearning how to be what YOU want to be#and if you're a mediocre artist and passionate writer then you'll be fucking great at that. taking the time to learn when it strikes you.#and maybe this is for me. but its also for anybody reading it too. please god if there's one thing you take from this let it be that#somebody out there cares. *I* care. god i care. even if we've never spoken proper i care about you.#i practically have a list of everybody i see in my inbox. i love seeing familiar names show up. i.#i dont know how to neatly wrap up this tag ramble. but. i am so damn full of love it hurts sometimes. its scary to be happy but thats ok!
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ermmmm when otters wrap themselves around each other? and hold each other in their sleep? and groom each other while cuddling? and perfectly wrap their tails around the back of the other otter??? points at them. that's me and my boyfie. anyway.
#stopped reading my Distressing VN for the night and put on some otter vids to make my mind shut up#and now i'm distressed bc. THAT'S ME AND REN!!! why are we not tied up in knots around each other and playing w each other's hair???#barking growling hissing i. want to wrap myself around him and spoil him and kiss him and tell him how pretty he is#while he buries his face in my neck and tells me how pretty -i- am and rubs my back and whispers in my ear.#psh. whatever. i definitely don't care. /looks at the universe meaningfully pls let my supposed indifference sway it to make him real/#sorry every gush post ever from me is just going to be 'my bf is just like this otter i saw on youtube and i love him. kissie kissie.'#📌 [ my posts. ]#💭 [ my thoughts. ]#🍄 [ lying on the blade of an emotion. ]#🧃 [ who is in control. ]#🦦 [ can't escape it. ]#🐸 [ look ahead. ]
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#warning: rant about parent ahead#I’m so so so so so empathetic to mental health struggles#like exceedingly so#but it’s just so exhausting being on the receiving end of someone’s self-loathing#and to be clear I AM NOT TALKING ABOUT ANYONE HERE#you are all my phone besties and I have so much empathy for your struggles and know that i love you all#and wish i could say the right thing to support you all always and you are always welcome to share whatever is going on#and to quote the bard herself i wish i could take the bombs in your head and disarm them#but when my mother gets into these moods she just seems to use it as a way to get a rise out of us#she’s pulling the ‘well maybe you don’t want to do x with me because it’s not fun because I’m a terrible person and you’re scared of me#and i ruin everything so maybe you would just rather i do everything alone’#and i don’t doubt she feels horrible and i know she has intrusive thoughts etc#but that is so manipulative!!!! she then puts the onus on us to reassure her that she is not!!!! But that is not what she wants!!!!#which we then do profusely and remind her that we do love her and we do do things together and whatever the fuck is the problem of the day#but of course she won’t hear it#so yes it makes us scared of her because we are always worried we’re going to say the wrong thing in a given moment!!!!#i just shut the fuck up at all times now#but my dad tries to use reason with her and of course it just ends in her lashing out and projecting all this shit on him#’oh you maybe you actually hate me maybe you want to leave me’ etc#THEY’VE BEEN MARRIED DECADES HE’S THE MOST LOYAL AND KINDEST PERSON IN THE WORLD HE NEVER ONCE HAS#i honestly don’t know how he lets this roll off his back because i am so fed up with it#It’s just so so so so hard because one minute she’s ‘herself’ and the other she’s this inferno#and we just have to ride whatever wave she’s on and it sucks all the air out of the room#it’s like the one and only time i tried to very gently bring up that something she said was hurtful *after she’d brought it up herself*#she went on a ‘oh I’m a terrible person/terrible parent’ rant and it then turned into me reassuring her that she isn’t#i was just trying to show her how the language/behaviour she uses was hurtful to me#so anyway that was lesson learned that even if she invites it i will never speak of it and luckily she hasn’t since and that was years ago#But it’s just… i know bad thoughts can’t be helped and again i feel so much pain on her behalf for what she struggles with#and i wish i could help but there’s absolutely nothing i can do#AND SHE’S GONE OFF ALL HER MEDS SO THE ONE SOURCE SHE DID HAVE ISN’T THERE ANYMORE EITHER
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Truly devastating to want to jump into an AU for your canon x oc/si ship when you haven’t even scratched the surface of your main fic for them yet 😪
#lady terror/francis western au my beloved#with sufficient elements combined from ravenous deadwood red dead redemption and true detective#not to mention that fucking hozier song it will come back is fucking stuck in my head at all times#put me out of my misery man I can’t stand it#look I just want that sheriff crozier pining in a saloon#even going so far as to be taken upstairs by one of the girls there but stopping it all before it even starts bc he really needs *her* and#he knows it. pays up anyway and tips his hat respectfully as he goes#but he wouldn’t dare get his hopes up that a fine lady like miss sinclair would take up with an old cowboy like him#sofia didn’t and why should she she has so much ahead of her what with her exploits in her father’s business ventures#he’d just tie her down#except he’s wrong bc he’s shown himself capable of letting her be herself. trouser-wearing and all on their search for that band of outlaws#and suspected cannibals up in those mountains who have been pinning things on the natives that SHE knows and has befriended and wants to#protect from the law. and she’s damn crazy for putting the bounty out and for going along with him but SHE DOES#and she can take care of herself but neither does she want to be alone and she chose him#he’s one of the only people who sees that in her#I’m gonna go cry about it cranky frog style now ok goodnight everybody
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