#but let’s be real: that man never loved qin su (or anyone)

[mxtxfanatic]

Fandom Gripe #23: I know that fandom is in some deep denial about its treatment of female characters that are canonically involved with fan favorite m/m ships, but do y’all realize that when you disappear female characters from the narrative wholesale to push the idea that your canonically straight fav was “secretly gay all along!” you’re making several bad implications? That 1) bi men don’t exist, 2) bi men do exist, but those who have genuinely loved a woman before cannot genuinely love a man after that (therefore bi men don’t exist in practice), 3) women cannot inspire genuine love and devotion in men, therefore any relationship with a woman is “lesser” than the one they later have a man (see previous parenthesis), or 4) to acknowledge the existence of a lovable woman who isn’t a terrible person, where if a relationship previously existed, it did not end because of “incompatibility,” is enough to destabilize the present relationship between two queer men?

Because why is the tgcf fandom allergic to acknowledging that He Xuan had a whole ass fiancée that he loved? Why does no one ever seem to remember that the kidnappings and murders of He Xuan’s sister and fiancée were the final straws that sent him on his rampage, and he still keeps a shrine to them in the present-day of the story? Why is her entire existence and significance to He Xuan as a man, character, and to his character arc disappeared in favor of pushing Shi Qingxuan—the brother of the man responsible for his fiancée’s death—into that same role, as if to say that her impact on He Xuan is significant... just not when it's from her? Why does He Xuan’s life in fandom essentially begin not just after her death but because of it?

[silviakundera]

Haha I also used the dickless bore. I thought that only the two main characters came back didn't know he did as well. I still don't buy him ever being into her but that's just me I do wonder if he's going to try and kill her again. I do think Li Rong is treating him too well for my liking she should at least treat hit similarly or worse than she treated ML I want to see wet paper towel non stop suffer.

on one hand, imo a SRQ who is heartless doesn't work for the story the writer is trying to share with us. On the other hand, it's totally ok to decide to be a full-time hater towards a minor character, just because it's fun. I support haters! 🎉 \o/ 🎉

One thing that I think is relevant when comparing LR's reactions: if PWX had killed her, the motive would have been as part of his mission to have his childhood love Qin Zhenzhen's son become the next emperor. (Remember, he came over to threaten her life over that right before she died and called his ex Zhenzhen lmao) THE AUDACITY. In contrast, LR is viewing her murder at SRQ's hands as part of the revenge plan for the Su family's execution.

Some passages of Li Rong's POV:

After a few moments, she whispered: “Where did the scent on you come from?”

“If I say it, you might be upset.” Pei Wenxuan’s eyes had a hint of gloating at others’ pain.

Li Rong thought for a while and frowned, “Su Rongqing?”

“Yes.”

...Li Rong said nothing. She blankly stared into the fire.

Pei Wenxuan turned the fish over and looked at her with a smile, seemingly quite happy. Li Rong found that he had a fearless, unabashed look of enjoying a good play and couldn’t help but be a little fazed.

She believed everything Pei Wenxuan said.

---

Su Rongqing was someone that she saved with her own hands.

That year, Prince Su rebelled, and Su Rongqing’s elder brother spoke up for Prince Su. Later on, he was falsely accused of colluding with Prince Su, implicating the Su clan with treason.

At that time, Li Chuan was so furious that he fainted. He put the entire Su clan in prison without going through the Joint Trial of Three Divisions first and put the men to death and the women into exile. She disagreed with this decision and rushed to beg Li Chuan before the Su clan received their sentence. After being subjected to ten planks, with Pei Wenxuan’s intervention, she was finally able to ask for amnesty for the Su clan.

Even if the death sentences can be forgone, it was impossible to escape punishment while still alive. Even though the men of the Su clan could live, they would be subjected to castration. The others couldn’t bear the humiliation, so they all committed suicide in prison. When she arrived, there was only one man “desperate for life and afraid of death” left among the men of the Su clan, Su Rongqing.

At that time, she had told Su Rongqing that she saved him without the intention of asking him to repay her. She could give him silver and a position, so that he could continue to live a good life in the future.

Back then, she didn’t have any special feelings towards Su Rongqing. It was just that he had saved her before, so after he took care of her, bit by bit, she felt grateful, and…vague sentiments towards him.

For the most part, she sought to save the Su clan for Li Chuan and her own conscience. The Su clan was a prominent, noble family. It was difficult for her to sit back and watch if they died in such an ambiguous manner.

At that time, Su Rongqing refused to go.

...It wasn’t that she had never thought that Su Rongqing would not take revenge on her. After all, it was Li Chuan who ordered all the men of the Su clan to be beheaded and exiled all the female family members. It was impossible for anyone to forget this blood feud, let alone the formerly first and most outstanding gongzi of that year?

For so many years, she had never dared to give him real authority, observing him and guarding against him while still trying to help him live a better life. She couldn’t actually kill him because of her own conscience, but she couldn’t actually trust him and give him power.

In the end, he still decided to act. He killed her first, then successfully took her authority in the name of eliminating Pei Wenxuan. If she guessed correctly, he would not leave with the advisors. Instead, he would borrow the excuse of taking revenge for her and enforcing the will of the people to join forces with the Empress, assist Li Xin in ascension, and fight to the death against the remnants of Pei Wenxuan’s faction.

...

She had anticipated this possibility from the moment she took Su Rongqing in, but she couldn’t help feeling a bit regretful when it actually happened.

[robininthelabyrinth]

I'm pretty sure this is prompt four. Jiang Cheng/Qin Su - Jin Rusong as heir to Lotus Pier

ao3

Jiang Cheng heard the news in pieces, scraps of wild rumor and gossip repeated a hundred times over, but he still refused to believe it until he actually saw the official announcement.

Jin Guangyao had divorced his wife and sent her back to her father’s house, along with their son.

“Is he insane?” Jiang Cheng asked his second in command, who only shrugged helplessly. “Putting aside the fact that I’m certain that he loves her madly, putting everything else aside, Sect Leader Qin is influential and powerful, and a strong supporter of his father – no matter what happened between them, surely someone as pleasant and compromising as Jin Guangyao could find a way to work it out?”

Jiang Cheng had only met Qin Su a few times, always at Jin Guangyao’s side. He’d heard about how she’d fallen for the dashing young man that turned out to be Jin Guangyao and sworn to marry him, no matter the obstacles; he’d heard how they’d managed to overcome every storm, fight the wind and rain, and eventually made it to their marriage bed.

They’d even had a son together, little Jin Rusong; he was Jin Ling’s best playmate.

And Jin Guangyao was kicking him out? Kicking her out?

Absurd!

Who did he think he was?

And yet, contrary to Jiang Cheng’s expectations, Sect Leader Qin did not immediately explode, or, rather, within a few days, he did, but not in the way anyone had expected. Everyone had joked that he would find Jin Guangyao and strangle him, and he really did physically attack someone – but not Jin Guangyao.

He attacked Jin Guangshan instead.

It was as if he’d gone mad, red-eyed like Nie Mingjue in the throes of his qi deviation; he’d charged at Jin Guangshan, his old friend of thirty years or more, right in the middle of Jinlin Tower, and swiped at him viciously with his sword, cutting a gash in his chest as the surprised Jin sect leader darted back too slowly to wholly dodge.

What could be done? The Lanling Jin sect guards could not stand silently by with such provocation – they counter-attacked at once, and Sect Leader Qin did not survive. A little later, and it was discovered that he had never intended on it: his sword was laced with poison.

Sect Leader Qin died, but he took Jin Guangshan down with him the underworld.

The rumor mill exploded.

Everyone was talking about Sect Leader Qin’s motivations – the suspicious timing of the divorce – Jin Guangyao’s now inevitable ascension to the seat of Sect Leader Jin –

Only Jiang Cheng thought about Qin Su, who should have been ascending right beside him. It had been her father that had died, after all.

Laoling Qin was far enough away from Lanling Jin that they were still mostly independent, and they were close enough to the Qinghe Nie that Jiang Cheng could pretend that he’d only made a short detour on a visit directed towards Nie Huaisang, that notorious purveyor of gossip; luckily enough, Nie Huaisang remembered their old friendship and was more than happy to help cover his tracks.

When Jiang Cheng arrived, the house was already decked out in mourning. Qin Su greeted him, eyes red and swollen from tears.

“I’m sorry,” Jiang Cheng said awkwardly, then flinched when he realized he probably should have said something in greeting first – they really didn’t know each other well enough to skip over all that.

Nevertheless, Qin Su nodded, forgiving him the slip-up before he could even retract it. She was gracious and gentle, kind and quiet, economical and thoughtful – a consummate hostess. The wife of Jin Guangyao could not afford to be anything less.

Former wife.

Jiang Cheng’s gaze danced around the room, searching for something to say, and then abruptly he noticed – “There are two deaths in your household?”

“My mother took her own life,” Qin Su said, her voice dull. She tried to suppress it, but tears gathered in her eyes again. “Shortly before…”

Whatever it was that Jin Guangshan had done that had driven Sect Leader Qin mad, it had involved his wife, Jiang Cheng thought, and then abruptly he turned pale as he put two and two together. He’d never doubted that Jin Guangyao had adored Qin Su, so why would he divorce her?

Unless…

Jin Guangshan had a reputation.

Qin Su laughed a little, a bitter sound. “Everyone will know, soon enough,” she said wisely, seeing that Jiang Cheng had figured it out. “I don’t blame my former husband at all; he acted as he ought to in every respect. It’s only my poor A-Song…I can’t imagine what his life will be like from now on.”

Jiang Cheng looked helplessly at her. To lose not only your parents, one right after the other, but your husband, your reputation, and next even your son…

“Marry me,” he said suddenly, and Qin Su stared at him. “If Sect Leader Jin’s assault were recent rather than ancient, it would have provoked the same result. The only reason anyone might suspect the truth is because of the timing of your divorce – if there’s a reason given for that, people won’t think twice about it.”

His words had come out all in a rush, smashing together like stones tossed around by a waterfall; he hadn’t thought of the idea until right this moment.

“Are you suggesting I admit to adultery?” she asked. Her eyes were as round as the full moon.

Jiang Cheng shrugged, a little helpless. “Your reputation is gone,” he pointed out, wishing he knew how to be kind or tactful. “Adultery or incest – it’s the same either way for you. But for A-Song…”

To be the son of an adulterous woman was disgraceful, but such things happened and people generally looked the other way, as long as the real father was powerful enough.

It was better than being a child of incest.

“But what of your reputation?” she asked. “Sect Leader Jiang, you can’t. I won’t let you injure yourself for my sake.”

“Not for you,” he said, though maybe it was, just a little bit. The loss of your parents, the loss of your whole life, everything you’d ever believed – who could understand that better than him? “For A-Song. He’s Jin Ling’s best friend.”

Qin Su had always been kind to Jin Ling, he thought. She didn’t need to be, could just tolerate him the way most people in Jinlin Tower did, but she really seemed to like him…

It occurred to him suddenly that Qin Su met all of his requirements for a bride: a beauty from a good family, obedient, economical, with a mild personality who wasn’t too loud and wasn’t too talkative, who was good to Jin Ling…

“How’s your cultivation?” he asked abruptly. “Do you know how to cook?”

“Mediocre,” she said, blinking at him. “And I’m better at baking, I think. I like making sweets.”

“Good,” Jiang Cheng said, relieved. “That’s – good. I’m glad. Will you marry me?”

Qin Su bit her lip. “Let me think about it?”

Thoughtful, he added to the list. Cautious, not reckless.

“Take all the time you need,” he said.

She came back to him two shichen later. “What happens to A-Song?” she asked.

“I’ll adopt him as my own,” Jiang Cheng said. “Or he can keep the surname Jin, if you prefer. And if Lianfeng-zun agrees, which I think he will – it’s his birthright, after all.” Too many times over. “Jin Ling lives with me sometimes; they can grow up as cousins, the way they should.”

Qin Su nodded, lips trembling a little. “You won’t regret this?”

“I might,” Jiang Cheng admitted. “But I’m probably not going to marry anyone else, and I’m willing. Are you?”

“I am,” she said, and smiled at him. Her eyes were still red, and the smile shaky, but it was something. “Thank you. I…no, never mind.”

“If we’re going to be married, you’re going to need to learn to ask things of me,” he reminded her.

Qin Su wiped her eyes. “Yes, but there’s asking reasonable things, and then there’s asking to alert my former husband before we announce our engagement.”

“Oh, no, that’s a great idea,” Jiang Cheng said, immediately relieved. “If there’s one thing Lianfeng-zun knows, it’s how to manage an announcement of that sort of magnitude. We should definitely tell him.”

Qin Su’s smile this time was stronger.

Nie Huaisang pulled a few strings and got Jin Guangyao to come over to the Unclean Realm, and when he walked in and saw Qin Su, he flinched. Jiang Cheng could see on his face that he still loved her, and he felt bad for him – not enough to stop, but still.

“I see,” Jin Guangyao said, hearing the plan. His expression was surprisingly neutral – thoughtful, but not as upset as Jiang Cheng would have expected. “It’s not a bad idea. And you don’t even need to admit to adultery, either.”

“We don’t?” Jiang Cheng asked, surprised.

“We can say that my marriage with A-Su broke down after my father’s actions - painting them as recent, rather than ancient,” Jin Guangyao explained. “I didn’t feel I could oppose him, she had no choice but to do so – it was an irrevocable breach. You came to comfort her, having met her during your visits with Jin Ling, and her sect is in need of support…you can say it developed naturally from there. It might not work to quell the rumors, of course, but it would at least provide a way to save face in public…Leave it to me.”

“Thank you, A-Yao,” Qin Su said quietly, and he smiled at her, pained.

“Just be happy,” he said to her, then looked at Jiang Cheng. “Treat her well.”

“I will,” Jiang Cheng promised, and took her by the hand. “I swear.”

-

It was a few years later. Nie Huaisang sat beside Jiang Cheng.

“I think he killed my brother,” he said, playing with his fan. “I’m going to destroy him.”

Jiang Cheng stared at the newest memorial tablet in the Lotus Pier, his hands clenched into fists with knuckles turned white.

“Good,” he said, voice savage. “I’ll help.”

[drwcn]

NEW!

《 Without Envy 》 storyboard 11 - concubine/sleeper agent!wwx & prince!lwj

Other snippets and storyboards can be found on [Master List]

Lan Wangji knew his Uncle and the imperial court and the elders of the royal family were never going to be okay with him making Wei Wuxian one of his concubines. The servant status is one thing, but that's not the crux of the issue. The issue is that there's already a rumour circulating about how WWX is a wily fox whose sole purpose in life is to seduce and befuddle the prince. Xue Yang: quite a reputation you've cultivated for yourself. WWX: *kuzo's meme*.........ah yes, everything is all coming together now.

Lan Wangji is a smart boy though. He knows how to get what he wants. As Wei Ying inched towards full recovery from his whipping, the autumn hunt is upon them.

The autumn hunt in the royal hunts ground was a competition. Anyone invited could compete if they chose to, and of Lan Wangji's household, Jin Ziyan, Luo Qingyang and himself were in attendance. Mianmian, being his concubine and a woman, had two escorts/chaperones accompanying her for propriety, but flashed him dazzling smiles of gratitude upon her horse.

"I'm very grateful, dianxia, for your allowing this indulgence." "Of course," replied Lan Wangji from his saddle. "My Luo-furen should have what she wants." "Dianxia, ce-wangfu." Qin Su approached them and curtsied in proper form. "I wish you all best of luck in the hunt." Then to Mianmian, she said quietly, "Be careful, Qingyang." Jin Ziyan paid the two women no mind, but Lan Wangji saw the hand Qin Su had clandestinely wrapped around one of Mianmian's booted ankles. Oh...well, this is certainly a positive development.

The rest of the noble women not participating in the hunt rested in their tented pavilions, with Meng Yao as their hostess. They drank tea and ate sweets and enjoyed their free time to themselves. Meng Yao noted Wei Wuxian's absence from Jiang Yanli's side, as did several other noble women, but Jiang Yanli only smiled and said, "A-Xian has been living at my father's manor for several years and is an excellent marksman. Dianxia thought it a waste if he were kept from participating."

The truth of the matter is like this: when Wei Wuxian cheated and lied his way into Jiang-fu, he'd told Jiang Fengmian and his family that he'd lived most of his life by the charity of a hunter's family, and so had trained to hunt game in the wild. After the hunter's family died of some infectious illness that plagued the region, Wei Wuxian had supposed made his way into the city and found employment as a shop boy. He couldn't reveal that he'd been trained in martial arts, but there is no need to hide his skill as an archer. At first, it was so he could use archery as a common interest to get close to Jiang Fengmian's son Jiang Cheng, but Wei Wuxian soon realized that it could also be used as a way for Lan Wangji to cultivate further interest.

"Lan Zhan..." Wei Wuxian stroked the snout of Lan Wangji's beloved ferghana horse and grinned. "You really want me to ride him?" "Mn." "You...won't be mad then, if I win?" Wei Wuxian's grin turned slightly wicked. "If I beat you?" Lan Wangji's brow twitched with interest, "Not at all. That's rather what I'm counting on." "Yeah? And why is that?" "Because while I can claim victory with the sword -" "- Very modest, you." Wei Wuxian teased, grinning, which earned him a subtle little glare. "- amongst my cousins, my marksmanship is not unrivalled. You may have a greater chance of winning with him. Huangxiong promised that whoever wins today's hunt will be granted one wish." A wish? Wei Wuxian mulled over this information. His own mission turned and circled in his mind. If I could but gain access to... ... Of course, Wei Wuxian glanced at the prince and the saw the light in his eyes. Lan Wangji is probably thinking of something entirely different.

And so it was inevitable that went the count of the hunt came in, Wei Wuxian's name was at the top. Lan Qiren's little mustache just about flew off his face the way he scrunched it up in displeasure.

Gentries, nobles, dukes and princes watched with envy and shock as a servant came forth to accept the Emperor's reward.

"Jiang-xiong," Nie Huaisang leaned close to Jiang Cheng while they watched from the sidelines as Wei Wuxian bowed before the Emperor. "Why do you look so smug?" Jiang Cheng played with the end of an arrow with an air of mock innocence, "I don't know what you're talking about?" Nie Huaisang pulled at the leather of his riding attire in discomfort - this was so not his style - and tsked, "I know you, Jiang-xiong, you're not subtle. What did you do?" "I was the one who told Lan Wangi that Wei Wuxian is an excellent archer when I went to visit Hanguang-fu." Nie Huaisang understood instantly, "Oh....oh I see..." "What? Don't judge me! You know what they did to him. String up like some unruly animal and whipped. I never agreed with my mother's plan to send him along with my sister anyway. Wei Wuxian may be lowborn but..." Jiang Cheng scowled. "He's too good for them. For Lan Wangji. He's clearly not going to do right by Wei Wuxian. I won't stand to see a perfectly good man wasted as some prissy prince's concubine instead of being where he could put his real skills to use." "Shhhhh, ancestors, Jiang-xiong, keep your voice down! Words like that are a great dishonor against bixia, you'll lose your head!" Jiang Cheng shrugged.

Xue Yang *at a later times*: so lemme get this straight, you won the Hunt, and then Lan Xichen asked you what you want as reward - WWX - as a good little servant I said "I want for nothing that wangye and Jiang-zhuzi hasn't already provided me" - XY *rolls his eyes* Right. And then Jiang Wanyin came out of nowhere and said - "陛下，魏婴乃微臣之家生子，是前管家魏长泽 的独子， 因幼年时父母过世一直遗留市井。上天庇佑，几年前父亲将他巡回。魏婴为人端正淳厚，虽未上过学堂，但头脑机智。陛下也看到了，他弓发出众， 是。。。如能加强训练，以后必会为我姑苏所用 - " Bixia, Wei Ying is this subject's home-born servant, the only son of our previous head of staff Wei Changze. Due to the unfortunate passing of his parents in his youth, he has been getting by doing odd jobs in the capital. Heavens be willing, Father was able to find him after these many years and brought him home. Wei Ying is kind and righteous; though never have been taught by scholars, he is sharp of mind. As bixia has seen, he is a great marksmanship, is ... If he could be granted proper training, he would be a great asset for Gusu in the future. - And what a waste it would be if you were left to twindle away within the confines of a harem. I bet Lan Wangji just loved that. The balls on Jiang Wangyin - I do love his style. WWX You're the only one. Jiang-shushu just about had a heart attack when Jiang Cheng dissed Lan Wangji in public. Madam Yu nearly popped a vein too. XY: Yeah well, he's got a point. You may be Jiang Yanli's companion, but you're not Lan Wangji's concubine, you're just a servant with a skill. Honestly why shouldn't they put you to better use than waiting to maybe spread your legs for a prince who might just as easily toss you aside after the newness fades. WWX *slaps him up the head* Rascal! I'm your shixiong. Don't be so rude. Anyways, Lan Zhan, he - he was willing to let me go. I think he loves me you know - XY: He what now - WWX: He said - Lan Wangji came to kneel beside Wei Wuxian and Jiang Wanyin and bowed to his royal brother, "Huangxiong, Wei Ying is the peijia of my Jiang-furen, a servant of my manor. I... I long knew he is an excellent marksman and should have submitted his candidacy for the ranks but -" Lan Wangji looked at him then, eyes huge with something unreadable. "Jiang-xiao-jiangjun is right. Wei Ying is good, his mind is bright. He would be more suited to militia than...than within the walls of the inner court." "Wangye, have you....have you grown tired of Wei Ying -" "Wei Ying, no -" XY: Oh barf. So please tell me you chose to go to bingbu (ministry of war). WWX: Going to bingbu was never the assignment. If yifu wanted me in the ministry of war, I would've infiltrated them from the start. I refused. And it had the intended effect. "No?" Lan Xichen leaned forward curiously. "Joining the ranks will elevate your rank to that of a subject of the imperial government, and if you are truly as skilled and talented as my brother and Jiang-xiao-jiangjun say, you may rise yet to stand in my court as an officer of the imperial military. You will have your own commission, your own manor, marry, have children - all things which will be forbidden to you if you remain as you are now. As you are male, you cannot provide for Hanguang-fu any offspring, and your low-born status has precluded you from the position of consort or even vice-consort. Have you considered your options carefully? " "I understand bixia, and my decision is made. Nothing would please me more than to stay by wangye's side. I regret nothing." XY: >_> And A this has absolutely nothing to do with the fact you're increasingly horny for Lan Wangji? WWX: Of course not. Because of Lan Qiren, I couldn't advance in Hanguang-fu. But now that Lan Xichen had given me his royal decree, I am Lan Wangji's sanctioned mianshou. XY: *insert eye emoji* So...y'all fucked? WWX *wistful, thinking about the night he spent at the autumn palace after the hunt* : We did, you pervert. Ya happy now? *WWX sighed* But I know who we are and what I must do. Yifu needs me by Lan Wangji's side, for what reasons I do not yet know. No matter how he and I are now... one day it will

all end. XY: *stares into the camera like he's on the office*

Note: yifu = Wen Ruohan, WWX's adoptive father.

[perkynurples]

... May I ask you about the slow excruciating progression from Meng Yao to Jiggy?

also paging @holdmycaffeine and @cadencekismet, who asked me for the very same, and @acutebird-fics, who is my partner in crime deep philosophical discussions about these characters, and a great deal of this messy essay is informed by those

Tl;dr: JGY is a multifaceted character and the author struggles not to lose her mind trying to find the right words to describe that. Literally every single point of this rant is up for discussion, begging for it even, so please don’t hesitate to engage me, but, like... tomorrow, maybe. After I sleep it off.

Meta I used or referenced: THIS ONE explaining how JGS deciding to give him the name GuangYao is all kinds of wrong | THIS ONE talking about the red bindi-like Jin forehead dots, among other things | THIS ONE about his capacity for evil and his own recognition thereof

-

Alright, without any fancy preamble, here goes. Honestly, whenever I think about JGY for more than three seconds, it becomes painfully evident that there are two wolves inside me at all times - one wants to spend tens of thousands of words exploring his narrative, his choices, his abilities and his failings, his capacity for violence as well as his capacity for love...

And the other one just likes to call him a gremlin in chief in a fancy hat, and doesn’t want to go much further than that. I’m going to try and feed them both.

The thing that pisses me off about Meng Yao is just. The fact that he doesn’t stay Meng Yao, and we get to watch it happen in slow motion. You get a tiny little twink-ass kid who suddenly finds himself adopted into the Nie by the Sect Leader himself, and this is Meng Yao, the son of one of Jin Guangshan’s many mistresses, who doesn’t have a whole lot going for him aside from that, at that moment - his cultivation, weak. His opportunities, nonexistent. His dick, small. His political savvy, only just starting to show itself.

And this guy gets the chance of a lifetime presented to him on a Qinghe-silver platter. Like, we can argue about book canon and try and decide if he did anything at all to make NMJ notice him, but show canon makes it all the more hilarious (again, please refer to this gem of a post for a level of humor I’m sorely incapable of) - you’re seventeen, and the Batman of the cultivation world picks you up and elevates your status across swathes of societal norms, to a level you previously could have only dreamed of.

It’s interesting to me to try and imagine if this was the moment that Meant Something - in the grand scope of things, of course it did, because it started MY on the road to JGY, but also to Meng Yao personally, in terms of what he believed he could comfortably achieve. I do not for a second believe he started out wanting to murder people to reach his goal, or that he even had a good goal to begin with - being accepted by his father, maybe. Murdering the (at the time) greatest villain in the world, becoming a renowned spy, landing an incredibly beneficial sworn brotherhood, et cetera et cetera? I mean, the kid has wet dreams, but no way do they reach this far at this point in his life.

But so many things about him are unclear. Show canon changes his timeline, in that he met NMJ before he met Lan Xichen, and even accompanied NHS to the Cloud Recesses. Either way, his stint with the Nie is incredibly personally important to him. I firmly believe he loved and admired them, in his own way. He certainly flourished under NMJ’s tutelage and approval, but in the end, his motivations, his entire raison d’etre, clashed with NMJ’s too much. To Meng Yao, who’d gotten kicked down those infamous Koi Tower stairs for daring to ask for his father’s attention, murdering a guy for slandering him and his mother was a natural outcome of being slandered his entire life, and finally having had enough - to NMJ, it was unforgivable.

But this still isn’t where Meng Yao becomes Jin Guangyao, and it begs the goddamn question - how much of what JGY was perfectly willing and capable of doing to stay in power, had been present in Meng Yao that entire time? You see him make excuses that someone who isn’t NMJ, with his incredibly staunch morals and black-and-white view of the world, might have even accepted, but instinctively, you know - making excuses is just how it’s going to be with this guy.

Because Meng Yao, as well as Jin Guangyao, lies, and he is damn good at it. He is so good at it, that he lies his way to the very top of the Wen, all the way to Wen Ruohan’s side. His lying is what enables him to become Jin Guangyao. And like any good liar, he doesn’t only lie to the people around him - he also lies to himself.

And I can’t blame him, because - been there. Lying to yourself becomes absolutely necessary, when you want to keep everyone else around you believing in a mask you wear. You need to start believing it, at least a little bit, at least sometimes, for it to work.

At this point, you’re probably wondering - but Annie, what about the time he spent a year sheltering Lan Xichen? Did he lie then? Was he not just Meng Yao, a poor but cunning bookkeeper, then? I’m getting there, I swear. Slowly and in a roundabout sort of way, because honestly, I don’t know how I can start talking about the LXC of it all, without it turning into a novel.

Because whichever way you twist it, whatever canon you choose to follow, one constant remains - A-Yao’s feelings for Lan Xichen. I’m deliberately not calling him Meng Yao or Jin Guangyao, because it’s these feelings that divide the two, but also ultimately unify them, fatally so. But we’ll get there.

In one version of events, Meng Yao travels to Cloud Recesses at the behest of NMJ, and falls in love with a statue made of jade there. In another version of events, they meet during something LXC only describes as ‘the shame of a lifetime’. Both of those events lead to Meng Yao sheltering LXC, hiding him, saving his life and those precious Gusu Lan texts.

Whatever version of events you choose to see as the right one, one other truth also remains - Lan Xichen offers freely and without asking that which Meng Yao has had to struggle to attain, that which has been denied to him time and time again, based only on the circumstances of his birth: respect. Lan Xichen never looks down on him, never brings up his origins, and instead extends him respect and dignity in a way only he is capable of - no fucking wonder Meng Yao admires him. No fucking wonder, when this amazing guy, this perfect pristine handsome number one young cultivator, looks at him, smiles at him, and actually sees him, son of a whore or not.

No fucking wonder Meng Yao loves him, and Jin Guangyao continues loving him. No fucking wonder he never means to hurt him, but does so anyway.

But here’s the thing - lying to yourself to make things work only gets you so far. Do I think Meng Yao spends restless nights in cold sweat dreading who he’s becoming, thinking about all the lives he’s taken to further his goals? Absolutely not. Do I think he does good things, often even great things, because it helps him feel better about himself? Do I think he both loves Xichen and keeps him around because it’s beneficial to him, having the Lan Sect Leader in his pocket, but also personally speaking, having someone who so firmly believes in the goodness in him? You bet your overly adorned murderhat I do.

And frankly, reducing Jin Guangyao to one or the other - coldblooded murderer or a man plagued by his own insecurities, helpless and trying to be kind in a world that’s so evidently against him - is doing a character like him a huge disservice. You have to consider all sides, if you want to truly understand him. Hell, I myself am by no means claiming to truly understand him! He pisses me off daily, and I’m writing this stream-consciousness-y thing because he simply won’t shut up in my head.

This kid makes Choices, and here’s the catch - he doesn’t regret a whole lot of them. If anything, I’d like to think he regrets going along with his father’s plans for so fucking long before finally realizing that avenue won’t bring him what he seeks. Killing Jin Guangshan, by the way? Very sexy of him, that I’ll admit. Guy was a pig.

But even the obviously Good Choices he makes? Building those damn watchtowers? Letting Mo Xuanyu stay at Koi Tower? Seating Qin Su by his side at that same throne where his shitty father entertained concubine after concubine? (Frankly, please make up your own mind as to whether he was lying or telling the truth about learning about Qin Su being his sister before or after they’d consummated their marriage, I’m choosing to believe that he hadn’t known.)

How much of it really happens out of the goodness of his own heart, and how much of it happens because he wants to improve his own reputation, kintsugi away the minuscule cracks in his own image until he’s once again a perfect picture of Jin gold? Is he himself even capable of telling the difference, recognizing where his good intentions end and his desire to look out for number one begins? When you spend so much time crafting your own perfect mask, in your own head as well as others’, the lines blur real fast.

I think ultimately, he craves respect as much as he does pity, and those two never mesh well - the cultivation world never truly accepts him, his father certainly never truly accepts him, but Jin Guangyao is not Wei Wuxian, he can’t just look at all of these perceived injustices and slights, all of this gossip and slander, and say ‘Whatever’. No, Meng Yao takes one look at the world standing against him so very vehemently, and decides to fight it, fight tooth and nail for his place in it, until he comes out Jin Guangyao on the other side, gilded and pristine, ascending the stairs of Jinlintai to exact his revenge on anyone who dares not accept him.

The Guanyin Temple, in a way, is a perfect little vignette of his character - we observe him wildly oscillating between seeking out the aforementioned respect and pity, confessing boldly and laughing loudly one second, and pleading on his knees and clutching onto Lan Xichen’s robe the next. To him, that night, and everything leading up to it, is a series of footholds - the ground begins crumbling under his feet when he learns of the letter, and he has to act fast. 

He buys himself time, excuse after excuse, thinking on his feet, and here’s the thing - he’s not necessarily the best at that. Anymore. Up until that point, until the letter and Qin Su and WWX turning up, everything is going according to plan, and his plan at this point is, frankly, correct me if I’m wrong, sitting pretty at the top of his golden tower and making sure the truth about him never comes to light, which... Well, we all know the truth has a nasty way of coming around when it’s least convenient for you. 

And I think Jin Guangyao (not Meng Yao) is, at that point, unused to being inconvenienced. Everything he ever does, he calculates, he twists the public opinion of himself, he twists individual people’s opinions of himself, to suit him - nothing unexpected ever happens anymore, because he’s played the game long enough to foresee most things. Nie Huaisang beats him at that same game, not because he has a huge plan spanning decades of his own, but because he’s good at improvising, kicking the hornet’s nest and then knowing where to direct the fallout - but that is another essay all of its own waiting to happen.

For now, I feel like I need to wrap this up before I lose my mind. Personally (and please feel free to challenge me on this any time), I don’t feel like there’s a single defining moment, or even a handful of them, traumatic or otherwise, that irrevocably turns Meng Yao into Jin Guangyao. Sure, being kicked down the literal stairs leading to a better place for you a handful of times will have you feeling some kind of way. Sure, serving a maniacal warlord while playing an impossibly high-stakes game of spy poker will leave a mark or two. Sure, your sworn brother spitting in your face the very insults you’ve been hearing your whole life and never learned to shake off, will make one more vestige of patience inside you irrevocably crumble to smithereens. But.

Your whole life, you work very, very hard. You know to put your head down and get your hands dirty, but you also know that sometimes, the best way out of a hairy situation is turning on those puppy eyes and appearing just a smidgen weaker, a smidgen more frightened and helpless, than you actually are. And if, when you actually tell the truth and people still don’t believe you, lying becomes easier, becomes, eventually, so easy it feels as natural as breathing? Well. Might as well use that particular skillset to sneak your way through a war, am I right? Might as well use it to build yourself a nest among the very vultures who resent you, and whom you resent, and make sure that they have to respect you.

In the end, to me? Jin Guangyao is the guy who jumps from person to person, from callout to very personal callout, there in the Guanyin Temple, just to stall for time, just to regain some sort of foothold in the situation - he’s the guy who probably views losing an arm as a necessary sacrifice, shakes it off and still gets to work from there.

Meng Yao is the guy who wants to take his mother with, and who asks Lan Xichen the one question he’s dreaded knowing the answer to his entire life - not ‘will you stay and die with me?’, but the one that hides beyond that.

Is this what devotion is? Respect? Love? Is there, at this moment in time, enough of all of those things in your heart that you will, in fact, stay and die with me?

When Lan Xichen says yes, without words but still loudly enough to be understood without a doubt, Meng Yao is relieved, while Jin Guangyao is vindicated.

When Lan Xichen says yes, neither version of A-Yao needs to hear any more than that - the seventeen-year-old boy shooting a shot way above his station and loving a statue made of jade, who wants Lan Xichen to survive, and the man wearing the wrong name and the title of the first Chief Cultivator of his generation, who wants Lan Xichen to live with the weight of all his mistakes and misgivings, are both, for once, in accord. They’re both happy, and they both make that final push to save him.

In conclusion, if there even is one to this jumble of random thoughts... Jin Guangyao and Meng Yao are one and the same. Aspects of one can be found in the other, but neither feels remorse about his choices. Both of them, in turn, are capable of amazing things. Both of them are, in fact, capable of decidedly horrible things. One builds a wall around the other so thick, so impenetrable, you only catch glimpses, and only the ones he allows you to see. One learns very quickly that vulnerability is dangerous, unless employed proactively, and the other one perfects the craft.

Both of them believe they are perfectly justified in their actions. Both of them believe their own line of reasoning, their own excuses. Both of them want to be loved, for very different reasons, or for the very same ones, at the end of the day.

Both of them aspire to greatness, Meng Yao some vague idea of it instilled in him by his mother teaching him to believe his own worth, Jin Guangyao a more concrete vision of it, always one step ahead, one step higher up those gilded stairs. Both of them are willing to excuse a whole lot to reach it, too.

And when Jin Guangyao finally stands in Koi Tower, properly this time, wearing that coveted golden peony, wearing that red zhushazhi and a much nicer version of the hat his mother always told him to wear, but also wearing the wrong fucking name, one that barely gives him a spot in the family he belongs to by blood?

All he needs to do is take one look in the mirror to see Meng Yao staring back, always there with him, always ready to remind him where he came from. He’s seventeen years old, and he just buried his mother, and somewhere out there, the rest of his life awaits. His smile is all dimples, and that, too, they have in common.

Time to get to work, Meng Yao suggests, and Jin Guangyao agrees.

[ibijau]

Suyao’s happy evil life in Japan, because I think they deserve that / also on AO3

warning for jgy having some very condescending views about Japan and its culture

The damn house wasn’t even haunted, Jin Guangyao thought as he performed the ritual. It had been abandoned for a few years, certainly, and it had a certain creepiness still clinging to its walls as a result, but that was nothing that a good deep cleaning and more recent furniture couldn’t solve. 

Not that Jin Guangyao would say as much. If the tradition in Japan dictated that abandoned houses had to be cleansed before they could be used, he’d do just that. Business was business, and it wasn’t impossible that a pre-emptive ritual ensured no future ghosts would appear there. And even if one did, he’d come up with something, blame it on the family, on some fault in the landscape. It wouldn’t even be a lie. This house’s fengshui was a complete disaster… but he wasn’t being paid for that, and he didn’t particularly like this lord. The man had made disparaging comments against Su Minshan more than once, and Jin Guangyao had made note of that.

He wasn’t about to do Awata no Seimei any favours. In fact, Su Minshan and him had already agreed that they’d make the man pay more for the exorcism, even though they didn’t particularly need the extra money, not the way they’d done their first year. But then, in that first year, they wouldn’t have dared to aggravate someone as high ranking as Awata no Seimei, supposing they could even have gotten such a patron in the first place.

It had been hard, that first year, but neither of them were the sort to give up just because things weren’t easy. Besides, they’d had to survive, if only to spite the enemies they’d left behind.

Inflamed at the memory of that shameful flight, Jin Guangyao stomped a little harder than strictly necessary, which appeared to catch the attention of his spectators. Good. Let Awata no Seimei think he was working hard to purify that house he’d bought, it would justify the higher price.

It was mid-morning when Jin Guangyao decided he’d put on enough of a show and could announce that the house was now safe for ordinary humans. As soon as he stopped the ritual, Su Minshan rushed to his side, offering some cool tea, one of the local types that Jin Guangyao had become so fond of. As he drank, Jin Guangyao realised he was parched. It was still early enough in the day, but the heat was rising fast. It would soon be unbearably hot and damp, making Jin Guangyao regret that he’d wasted so long on this empty ritual.

“Master Kin Kouyou, what a splendid ceremony,” Awata no Seimei said in a too deferential tone that Jin Guangyao despised for reminding him of his own. “You have my thanks for your help, I could not have asked anyone else. Truly, there is no one else who would do as well as master Kin Kouyou.”

Jin Guangyao shot him a cold look. Before he could try guessing what Awata no Seimei might want from him next, Su Minshan came to stand between them, arms crossed on his chest, towering over the nobleman.

“Zongzhu just conducted this ritual for your house,” Su Minshan barked. “Please understand how draining this is, the house had been left untouched for many years, and there were traces of a fox spirit in there.”

Well, there were fox droppings in one of the bedrooms, Jin Guangyao thought, biting his cheeks not to grin. He couldn’t laugh in public, not when he was supposed to be exhausted from his great fight against evil, but the look of horror on that noble lord’s face at the mention of a fox demon was priceless.

“Of course I am grateful to master Kin Kouyou,” Awata no Seimei said. “I will make no further requests today. Then, regarding the master’s dues...”

“Don’t bother Zongzhu with that either,” Su Minshan snapped. “Come see me tomorrow, and I will deal with the payment. Zongzhu isn’t to be disturbed with such trivial matters. Zongzhu needs to retire now, unless you have any real reason to keep him here.”

Awata no Seimei didn’t. Between Jin Guangyao’s growing reputation now that the emperor himself had hired him and Su Minshan’s attitude, those nobles knew to keep conversations short. It had worried Jin Guangyao, at first, the way Su Minshan couldn’t bother being polite to these people, but in the end this played to their advantage. People expected foreigners to be a little odd, and the locals seemed to enjoy knowing that however talented those two Chinese cultivators were in magic arts, at least they had better manners.

Having finished their business with this old house, Jin Guangyao and Su Minshan headed back home. Awata no Seimei, quite generously, offered them the use of a pair of kago, which struck Jin Guangyao as rather suspicious. The man definitely had to have another service to ask of them, and probably one they wouldn’t enjoy performing. An onmyouji he’d become friendly with had warned him that some of those important people could become overdependent on divination and rituals, and Awata no Seimei seemed just like the sort who would ask the heavens what he should have for breakfast.

It sounded very annoying, Jin Guangyao thought as he stepped onto the travelling chair, but until Awata no Seimei actually started making requests, he wasn’t above taking advantage of the man’s generosity. The less he had to walk in this heavy, wet heat, the better. And he could tell that Su Minshan was getting uncomfortable, scratching his chest often. Summers were hard on him here, especially with his condition.

Eager to distract the other man from his discomfort, Jin Guangyao started chatting with him while their kago were carried along the streets of Heijou-Kyou, asking what else they had on their schedule for that day.

“Music lessons for the disciples this afternoon,” Su Minshan said, hands clenched over his knees in a futile effort to resist the itchiness. “Aside from that, nothing much.”

Jin Guangyao hummed, letting his gaze rest on the scenery. He’d been told that the city had been modelled after Chang’an, and many people had asked him if it looked as good as the original. Having never visited the capital at home, he always had to invent some polite lie about Heijou-Kyou having its own grandeur, but privately he wasn’t impressed. The original was always better than a copy, except in one specific case… and that case was sitting on a kago next to his own, suffering because of this country's climate.

“Minshan, take the rest of the day off,” Jin Guangyao said after a little while. “I’ll deal with the music lesson, you should have a fresh bath and rest. You’re really feeling bad today, aren’t you?”

Su Minshan looked away in shame, but nodded shortly. If it had been possible, Jin Guangyao would have reached out for him and taken his hand to comfort him.

“I’m fine,” Su Minshan said. “There’s no need to trouble yourself, I can take care of the disciples.”

“And I’d rather you take care of yourself,” Jin Guangyao countered. “I like teaching them, anyway. They’re good children.”

About half the disciples they’d recruited for their new sect were sons of minor nobility, because that paid, and because it never hurt to have connections. But a few were youth of genuine potential, who had in them the making of true cultivators, if they applied themselves.

The noble boys only came to study some of the days, and were sent back to their parents after lessons. The true disciples lived in their house, so they could be taught proper cultivation without inducing jealousy in those spoiled little princes who would never even come close to forming a golden core. Two of those boys Jin Guangyao had straight up bought from their family, something he couldn’t decide how to feel about. But they’d have been wasted as peasants, and they were grateful to their masters, and…

And Jin Guangyao wondered sometimes if this was what it had felt like for Nie Mingjue, picking the lowest person he could see and bringing him higher than others. Knowing you could change someone’s life was a potent drug, and it made Jin Guangyao want to fight to maintain their current position, so he could keep doing it. He’d been on the receiving end of pity for so long, he quite enjoyed being the one who could bestow it upon others at last.

“Do take the afternoon off,” Jin Guangyao insisted. “And I’ll send Haruto to buy some refreshing treats. He’ll be so happy to be of service to you, don’t refuse him that pleasure.”

“But…”

“Don’t refuse me the pleasure of spoiling you, either,” Jin Guangyao said, and with that Su Minshan could only nod meekly, defeated. 

They reached home soon after. A light lunch was served to them, after which Jin Guangyao ordered that a bath be prepared for Su Minshan. Haruto and Minato, the two peasant boys, acquitted themselves of that task before going to prepare for their afternoon class. Jin Guangyao too went to prepare, but only after making sure that Su Minshan had everything he needed, and that the room they shared wasn’t too unbearably hot. Mostly, he enjoyed having someone to fuss over, something Su Minshan always resisted a little out of some fear he’d be relying too much on Jin Guangyao and become a burden.

A ridiculous notion. Out of everyone Jin Guangyao had ever allowed close to him, Su Minshan was the only one whose company had never once felt like a weight on his shoulder. Right from the start they had been equals, their temperament matching, as well as their hunger from more than the world was willing to give them. Jin Guangyao's few loved ones had all held him back, Qin Su with her unfortunate parentage, Lan Xichen with his principles, Jin Ling with the threat he represented... but Su Minshan had always been the perfect person to stand at Jin Guangyao’s side, and now they could do so openly.

The afternoon lesson passed quickly. Due to the humid heat, the boys were a little less attentive than usual, but then again so was Jin Guangyao. He was only too happy to free the boys for the day. Jin Guangyao only took a moment to send Haruto, his favourite student, on a few errands, while he went to do some accounting. 

He’d been carefully managing their finances since they’d arrived in this country, and finally things were looking up. Jin Guangyao hoped that in a year or two they might buy a small house in the mountains, where he was told summers were fresher. Hopefully, he might get parts of the expense dumped onto some idiot prince or other, in exchange for teaching one of their dull witted sons. Back at home it wouldn’t have worked, because people understood money couldn’t buy cultivation, but here… here, any idiot with gold to waste thought they would learn magic.

It was fine to scam these people, Jin Guangyao told himself. Taking advantage of powerful men was nothing at all like those people who had sold his mother fake cultivation manuals. He wasn’t hurting anyone. Or at least, no one that particularly mattered.

When Haruto returned, Jin Guangyao took it as a sign he’d worked enough for the day. He thanks the boy for his effort, and gave him a few of the just purchased treats to share with the other disciples. The rest he took with him as he went to the room he shared with Su Minshan. As always he knocked on the wall to announce his presence, using a certain code between them so Su Minshan would know he didn’t need to cover himself.

When he came in, Su Minshan was sprawled inelegantly on a futon, and desperately fanning himself, his ruined chest glistening with sweat. He looked so miserable like this, though his face lit up when Jin Guangyao put down a box on their low table, and opened it to reveal some fresh shaved ice.

“I could kiss you,” Su Minshan said, all but crawling to the table.

“I hope you will,” Jin Guangyao retorted, picking some of the shaved ice with a spoon so he could feed it to the other man. “I also have some cold noodles, and some rice wine.”

“You are a god among men.”

Jin Guangyao laughed, and started chatting about their students, the ones in which they placed true hope, the ones who were there only for their parents’ fortune. Su Minshan was delighted to hear they might be able to buy a secondary house. With his thousand holes curse, heat and humidity were particularly hard on him, sweat and friction chafing his skin nearly to the point of bleeding sometimes. They really needed that house in the mountain, Jin Guangyao decided. He'd start looking very soon, and maybe drop a word to one of his richer patrons to ask for advice on such a purchase.

For now though, the two men enjoyed their shaved ice, then moved on to some delicious cold noodles. The local food was different from the one back home, but it was something they'd both taken to rather well, unlike that blasted climate. Then, after eating, they started drinking their wine, and the two men found themselves chatting about the place they would always call home, even if they should live in Japan for a thousand years.

“I wonder how A-Ling is doing,” Jin Guangyao mused, staring into his cup of wine. “Poor boy, he must have run the sect to the grounds by now, unless someone more competent got rid of him.”

“Maybe your enemy killed him,” Su Minshan retorted. “If they couldn’t get you, at least they’d get your next of kin.”

Jin Guangyao grimaced. “Probably. After all, they got Qin Su and that little idiot Mo Xuanyu, why not Jin Ling as well? Unless…”

“Unless?”

Jin Guangyao hummed thoughtfully. “I’m still wondering who it could have been,” he said. “I had my enemies of course, but there aren’t many who could have been bold enough to come after me like that. They all hated me of course,” he added with a joyless laugh. “But hate is not enough to go after a man who will slaughter your sect if you stand in his way. It takes a certain type of man to stand up to someone like me.”

“Could have been Lan Wangji,” Su Minshan predictably suggested. “Righteous prick, he didn’t particularly like Nie Mingjue, but he’d avenge him just to feel morally superior.”

“The fact that his lover was brought back certainly is suspicious,” Jin Guangyao conceded, sipping some wine. “And he never particularly liked me, either. To be fair, I don’t think he likes anyone, except that murderer. Still, I’m not sure he would have let Mo Xuanyu kill himself, he does have principles. No, I have another theory.”

“I’m listening.”

Jin Guangyao smiled, and poured more alcohol for both of them, letting the liquid flow as slowly as possible, allowing the suspense to rise a little before he dropped his bomb.

“Jiang Cheng,” he then said.

Su Minshan blinked a few times, frowned, then severely nodded, glaring at his cup of wine.

“It would make sense. Good way to make sure you don’t get rid of his idiotic nephew.”

“Our idiotic nephew,” Jin Guangyao corrected, who had put too much effort into becoming a Jin to disown his last direct relative, even if the boy really took more after his other uncle. “And everyone knows he’s obsessed with finding Wei Wuxian, right? I wouldn’t put it past him to just take things in his own hands and bring back the man who killed his sister, just for a chance to kill him himself, once he was sure no one stood in the way of A-Ling’s inheritance. Too bad he didn’t count on Lan Wangji. Ah, I almost wish I could go back and check on conferences now, it must be quite the show.”

The thought of Lan Wangji and Jiang Cheng, who had always hated each other, forced to act half polite even though they both wanted to lock down Wei Wuxian and keep him to themselves… it might have been the wine, but Jin Guangyao couldn’t help chuckling a little. He was so glad that he didn’t have to deal with that sort of mess. For this alone, he was almost grateful to his mysterious enemy.

It was an odd feeling, actually, but Jin Guangyao had come to enjoy his life here, in this foreign land. It wasn’t as good as home, nothing compared to the near absolute power he’d held back then, but… but his eyes fell on Su Minshan, naked from the waist up, looking in a rare good mood, and he smiled. There was definitely something to be said for this simpler life they had here. There was so much less scheming to be done, fewer enemies to deal with, and Jin Guangyao was finally free from the looming menace of Nie Mingjue’s resentful head hidden in his secret room.

Life here really wasn’t so bad.

“You know who it could have been?” Su Minshan asked, grinning like a fool, his cheeks flushed from the heat and the wine. 

“Who?”

Su Minshan beamed, the way he usually did when sharing a nasty story about the darker secrets of Gusu Lan.

“Think about it. Someone who would have wanted to avenge Nie Mingjue. Someone who might have been able to wander around in other sects without attracting attention to collect information, because nobody cares what he does. Someone who Mo Xuanyu might have met before, who was there when Wei Wuxian came to Jinlin Tai to accuse you…”

Jin Guangyao, who had expected his lover to blame Lan Xichen, burst out laughing.

“I think you’ve had too much to drink, Minshan. Really? You’re accusing Nie Huaisang now?” Just saying it out loud, Jin Guangyao laughed louder. Nie Huaisang had never had a single idea of his own in his entire life, and didn’t even get along with his brother when he’d been alive. Su Minshan might as well have blamed a very stupid dog. “That poor boy, I bet he would have taken my defence to the end. I almost miss him, you know.”

“No you don’t,” Su Minshan retorted, which made Jin Guangyao laugh again.

“I do! Ah, Minshan, let’s get a cat and call it Huaisang.”

Su Minshan scoffed, and reached out for the wine, only to find they had already finished it. It was probably for the best, if they were so drunk that they could consider the possibility of Nie Huaisang being their secret enemy.

“It’d have to be a fat cat then,” Su Minshan grumbled, stretching in a way that called attention to his chest. It was funny, Jin Guangyao thought sometimes, how he should have been disgusted by the effects of the Thousand Holes curse, but wasn’t at all. “ And one too lazy to even run after mice, or do anything but sleep in the sun, or else the name won’t fit.”

“Minshan, you’re so mean,” Jin Guangyao fondly said, taking the other man’s hand and pulling on it, wanting to go to bed now and enjoy some more this very mean-spirited man he was lucky enough to share his new life with. “Please, never change.”

[veliseraptor]

if you're still doing the five headcanons meme, how about character-defining quotes for a character of your choice from the untamed/mdzs? (I know I said your choice and IT IS!!! but personally I'd love to see JC or JGY, or hardmode maybe Jin Ling)

oh man, anon, you’re giving me hard mode regardless purely because I can’t...look up quotes, so I have to go off my memory and then go hunt them down episode by episode. 

decided to go with Jin Guangyao because I love him and I feel like I don’t write enough about him myself (as opposed to just reblogging other peoples’ writing about him and yelling about it in the tags).

Two things that came out of this: 1. this got really long, so sorry about that if that’s not what you wanted, and 2. I now have so many Jin Guangyao screencaps. (This is not a problem.)

finally I am coming at this as a certified Jiggy Apologist™ so heads up there.

(Using Viki subtitles because I can’t screencap from Netflix anyway.)

1. "How can I be the same as you? You want me to not be afraid of the sky or afraid of the ground? I am exactly afraid of the sky, afraid of the ground, and even afraid of people!”

I mean, okay, this whole speech is one big Jin Guangyao Manifesto, but as I was going through it to pick a specific bit for this response this was the part that stuck with me - because in many ways Jin Guangyao is a man driven by intense and inescapable fear. The entire world feels as though it is against him and always has been against him, or at least as though it is just waiting for an excuse to tear his throat out the second it sees weakness. This ties in to #2 (and Jiggy’s ‘then bite first’ instinct, but this one I think is particularly defining because of the way it emphasizes specifically fear. 

“Afraid of the sky, afraid of the ground, and even afraid of people.” Set against Nie Mingjue’s earlier words, too - listed as a bonus on this post - this is also Jin Guangyao confessing to what he knows Nie Mingjue will judge as cowardice. 

There’s this great post about how this whole scene is very Jin Guangyao Speaking His Truth - to the person he knows will reject it. He admits this - this fear that drives him, that is his constant companion, the fear that quickly becomes paranoia as his world spirals out of control (control, that he hangs onto so tightly because either he has all of the power or none of it, and without power he can’t protect himself) - with at least some knowledge that it won’t matter.

Because of course it doesn’t matter. How can I be the same as you, he asks, and his entire answer to that question will always be I can’t - I have to make my own way, however ugly that looks.

2. “In this world, everyone began with no grudges. Someone will always come forward with the first stab.” 

I wrote a bit of a post about this one the last time I watched this episode! Basically how he’s talking to Wei Wuxian here, but I think he’s also talking about himself - and, obliquely, explaining himself. He began with no grudges, like everyone else here. Someone was always going to strike first - as his father did, to him, when he kicked him down the stairs of Jinlintai. He went there to get his acceptance, grudge-free, and limped away having come off the worse. It didn’t matter that he hadn’t done anything to Jin Guangshan. 

Everyone begins unstained, but nobody stays that way. It’s sort of a race to the bottom way of looking at things, maybe, but given how much time Jin Guangyao has spent with people stepping on him, it’s pretty understandable that he looks at people with fear (see above!) as those who will potentially kick him down a flight of stairs. 

Eventually someone will hit first, and in Jin Guangyao’s experience if he doesn’t do it then the other person will. Why lie down and let them go for it? Why not at least try to fight back?

3. “'Abhor evil as one’s deadly foe...’ Am I exactly that evil then?”

So this is in response to Lan Xichen’s attempt at being comforting by telling Jin Guangyao that it’s not him! Nie Mingjue is just like that about people he thinks are evil!” and Jin Guangyao is like. “So let’s examine that for a minute.”

It doesn’t just function as pointing up to Lan Xichen what he just said/implied, though (and Lan Xichen clearly realizes he said something wrong, as he stumbles over responding to this question), but it’s also, I think, to some extent a genuine question - both internally and externally directed.

I think about this great breakdown of this scene, and how Jin Guangyao is trying to balance three powerful people and keep them all happy(ish) with him. He is, here, about to do something awful - possibly unforgivable. And I think there is a hesitation, a desire to know (am I evil or am I just doing what I have to?) but also to be reassured. Jin Guangyao isn’t someone where questions of right and wrong, good and evil, don’t matter or don’t concern him. And especially here, it matters very much in the context of Lan Xichen, specifically.

Am I evil? And if I am, what does that mean: for me, for you, for us?

But it’s not just about Lan Xichen, either. It’s posed at himself, too. Is this the line that’s too far? Is this the place where I cross a point of no return? Is it?

Does it matter, if evil is what I already am?

4. "”Under the circumstances, doing one more or doing one less, what’s the difference?”

This one...oof. I resist, to a certain extent, the retroactive “Jin Guangyao was responsible for literally every bad thing that happened after the end of Sunshot” that the Guanyin Temple scenes present. It feels a little too neat. And I’m not quite saying ‘I reject this canon and ignore it because I want to’ but I do feel like...this line interests me because it illustrates not just where Jin Guangyao is at this point (’there is nothing I can say, you’ve made up your minds about me and there’s no point arguing details anymore’) but also, more generally, how he got here.

Because it’s very easy to see how incremental Jin Guangyao’s actions are. Starting out doing things for his father - following orders, getting his hands bloody on Jin Guangshan’s behalf. And escalating. Because once he’s done one bad thing - once he’s already crossed one moral line...what’s another? Or another? Once he’s already stained, how much of a difference does it really make if he does worse?

And besides...he was never going to be virtuous. He was never going to be clean.

5. “In my life, I have lied countless times, killed countless times. Just like you said, of all the evil deeds in the world, what haven’t I done? But I...I had never thought about harming you.”

So I like pain! And this is very. Very ouch. I feel like I see a lot of people arguing about whether this is sincere, or how sincere Jin Guangyao’s feelings for Lan Xichen were, or whether he was just lying to/manipulating him all along - but I think this is a very real, truly honest moment. Because he’s admitting to everything - admitting to a kind of hideous monstrosity that he avoided claiming before this moment, even as he was truthful about what he’d done and why. And he’s doing it to contrast it with that last line: I had never thought about harming you.

Lan Xichen was the cleanest part of his life. Lan Xichen was the person with whom he got to be his best self - the self he wanted to be (at another point in this scene he says it’s not that I didn’t want to be a good person). It’s not his truest self because Jin Guangyao doesn’t really have one of those (who does?), but a self that he doesn’t get to be with anyone else (to a certain extent, also with Qin Su, but there’s a different kind of reserve there however much he cares about her; a consequence of what he knows to be true about their relationship, particularly after Rusong’s death). That’s precious to him. That’s priceless. And here, after everything else is ripped away, their relationship shredded, there’s still this to lose: he never thought about harming Lan Xichen (he did, of course, but never directly). But Lan Xichen is killing him.

BONUS: “A real man can stand up straight and do what’s right. The more these people spout a stream of rhetoric nonsense behind your back, the more you must do things to the point that they have nothing else to say.”

So this is a bonus instead of one of the five because it’s Nie Mingjue speaking and not Jin Guangyao himself, but the level to which this is - how Jin Guangyao approaches things for a long while is really...pretty intense. And in some ways the tipping point for Jin Guangyao is the realization, constant and unending, that it doesn’t matter what he does, or how much he does, or how hard he works - people will always have something to say. There will always be more insults, more snide comments, more judgment. There is no possible way for him to be a real man; the opportunity to stand up straight is, as far as Jin Guangyao is concerned, one he lost the moment he was born in a brothel. 

But I think there is a period of time where he wants to believe in this kind of merit-based success. That if he pushes himself hard enough, he’ll be able to better himself, to make enough gains that he can stand up straight, to make good of himself. That’s an encouraging thing to believe! And for someone like Jin Guangyao who prizes his control - the idea of having that much control/agency is a very appealing one. But he keeps running into the fact that in a rigid, hierarchical society where rumor is king, there’s no real such thing as merit-based success, or at least not the kind where they’ll let you forget where you came from. 

I think that’s a big part of Jin Guangyao’s breaking point, actually - not just the knowing he’ll never be good enough to be more than the son of a prostitute, but the disjunction between people claiming that if he just tried harder then it would be better (notably, Nie Mingjue, here, who I think does believe it to some extent), and his lived experience of trying very, very hard all the time and always eventually running into the ‘son of a prostitute’ glass ceiling. 

There’s no way out, he says in Guanyin Temple; I think in some ways Jin Guangyao’s life has been a succession of closed doors and narrowing paths where it feels, again and again, like there’s no way out - or at least, no right way. No clean way. 

The only way to win was to do terrible things.

[zeldahime]

paradigm shift

in which qin su doesn’t get surprise incest married! ao3 link will be in the first reblog.

----

Qin Su thought she was going to be sick.

Her a-Niang had told her not to tell anyone, not her a-Die, not her betroathed. They would work together to find a reason to break off the match. They would lie. After all, it was Laoling Qin that stood to lose face if the truth came out, not Lanling Jin.

Besides, the monster of a man who sat on the Jin throne was not her father. He might be her father of blood, but he would never be the father of her heart. And now, he would never be the father of her husband, either.

(Or perhaps, if she was very unlucky, he would be. If it could happen to her mother, it could happen to any noble lady, and the truth would never be known.)

The problem with trying to work with her mother on this was that her a-Niang thought they had until the wedding day to break things off. That they had months, at least. That wasn't so; they had until a-Die delivered the dowry price in three days. Just three days to reverse course on a courtship she, herself, had initiated, without telling a-Die the truth or causing political tension with Lanling Jin. Without telling Jin Guangyao, who -- more than anyone -- deserved to know what caused her change of heart. He had been pushed aside so many times in his life, it was a small miracle that he had allowed her to press her suit at all. She didn't know if his poor battered heart could take yet another beating, and even if it could, she didn't want to be the one to deliver it.

Even as her mind spun, politics and family and the beginnings of plans flying through her thoughts, she paused as the worst of them came to her.

Knowing what she now knew, even hours later, she was still in love with Jin Guangyao.

How could she not be, after how he had saved her during the war, how he had treated her since -- but he was her brother. How could she still find his words romantic, even now? How could she find his face pleasing, even now as she looked in the mirror and saw the similarities in their rounded cheeks, in the shapes of their noses, in the straightness of their eyebrows? How could she still have a voice in her mind telling her to not drop the suit, to pretend to a-Die that everything was fine, to still see herself married to the man who had saved her life?

She would not. But she still wanted to.

And didn't that make her just as disgusting as the man who sat in that throne in Lanling.

***

It wasn't the best plan, but it was the one she had.

It was nearly impossible to speak to Guangyao alone in Koi Tower. Even when there were no gentry around, there were servants; even when there were no servants visible, they were passing through the hidden passages in the walls, running errands or listening for secrets. Qin Su had been taught from a very young age not to speak secrets in Koi Tower. The only place where she knew they would not be heard was in the private courtyard in the family wing, and even that, only if Madam Jin was distracted. Fortunately, Madam Jin and a-Niang were good friends; they were having tea, and Qin Su expected their evening tea to drag well into the night. She settled in to wait for Guangyao to finish his duties -- so many of them better relegated to servants, so many of them unbecoming of a legitimated child, much less the sect heir, as he now was -- and return to his rooms. She would be able to wave him down from her position, so long as he was looking up. If nothing else, he'd think she was an intruder.

As it happened, he did think she was an intruder -- she had a knife at her throat before she even noticed he was there, lost in thought as she was.

"A-Su?" he asked, his eyes round, as he drew back from her and sheathed his blade. "What are you doing here? I told you, we shouldn't have... we shouldn't do what you proposed in your letter yet. It's only a good idea after the bridal gifts are recieved; there's too many variables otherwise."

"Guangyao, I need to tell you something, but you have to promise you won't tell your father." She wouldn't have her a-Niang humiliated by him again, if she could help it.

"What is it, a-Su?"

"Promise."

"You know I can't do that." Concern flooded his voice, his face, as he looked at her. "A-Su, please, I can't promise you unless I know what it is. You know the sect has to come first."

She hesitated. She thought of a-Die, how it would crush him to learn of this from Sect Leader Jin and not from his own wife. She thought of a-Niang, and the humiliation she would face if it were repeated in front of her. Then she drew herself up.

"It is a matter that would greatly embarrass the Jin and Qin sects both if it were to come out, and I don't trust him, Guangyao. Your father would use it as a boast, even though it would hurt everyone including himself. Please."

He took her hand lightly in his own, and she hated how she still felt that rush, that spark, that joy in touching him.

"I won't tell him if I can help it, a-Su. What is it?"

It was as close a promise as she could get.

"My mother recently told me that-- that Qin Cangye is not my birth father." Guangyao looked at her uncomprehendingly; she closed her eyes. "My mother was attacked by Jin Guangshan, 20 years ago. Nine months before I was born." The hand that held hers tightened, so much it hurt. "Guangyao, I'm your sister."

She heard him swallow, and his breathing quicken. He squeezed almost tighter, then dropped her hand like it was made of burning metal, taking a step backward.

"A-Su," he whispered, "are you sure, are you sure that we're...." She nodded, eyes still closed. "A-Su, who else knows?"

"Just a-Niang and me," Qin Su replied as calmly as she could. "There were no other witnesses, and a-Niang only told me because of... because of us." She opened her eyes.

She had expected... revulsion, or horror, or pity, in her intended's face. In her brother's face. She hadn't expected to see pain and blinked-back tears. Of course she should have -- she knew how people left him, and now she was too --

She watched him school his features back into neutral, heard him force his breathing to even back out.

Dangerously neutral, he asked her, "A-Su, what do you want?"

She looked him dead in the eye. "I want help, Guangyao. I can't marry you, but I also can't embarrass Lanling Jin or Laoling Qin, and I don't want to embarrass you or myself."

"You know your father would call off the engagement in a heartbeat, a-Su. Tell him you had a change of heart. He'll say it's on account of my parentage, and you never have to see me again." His face was completely calm, his eyes held open just shy of a neutral position. His words were the truth, but his careful neutrality gave him away.

"Guangyao, you know why I don't want to do that--"

"A-Su. It's nothing I haven't heard before." He reached out as though to touch her cheek, before he retrieved his hand. She wished he hadn't. "I know what your father thinks of me. It doesn't matter."

She couldn't allow her anger to raise her voice. She had to hold her tongue, she had to-- fuck it. "Guangyao! It isn't you who should be shamed, it isn't a-Die, it isn't me, and it isn't a-Niang. It's Sect Leader Jin who caused this! If anyone should be shamed, should be embarrassed, it's him! And I know he'll face no consequences, but why should that mean you do? Guangyao, you can't take on his every sin! Why don't you mmbhbbmmm---"

Jin Guangyao wore a pained smile as he held his hand over her mouth. "I am, for once, the one with the least to lose, a-Su," he said, as she tried to continue talking. "I already am the son of a whore. You don't need to be. Have your father renounce me. Please." She licked his hand, and he immediately let her go.

"A-Su!"

"Guangyao."

He looked at his hand, then back at her, and pressed his lips together so thin that they disappeared. "Her reputation is all a woman has, a-Su. As your older brother, I demand you preserve yours."

He turned and went to his rooms, and Qin Su tried very hard not to cry.

***

The first time she saw Lan Xichen and Guangyao in the same room, she was immediately jealous. Guangyao had said he loved her, and she believed him, but he didn't love her the way he loved Sect Leader Lan. He looked at him with naked admiration, like he'd hung every star in the night sky; Sect Leader Lan grabbed his arms and smiled like Guangyao had personally delivered him the moon, wrapped in a bow.

It was strange to watch, honestly. It was like intruding on what should be a private moment, but they were a Sect Leader and a Sect Heir greeting each other formally in public.

She held herself steady as her father publicly announced the end of the suit, that the Jin and Qin were unable to come to a mutually beneficial agreement, but held no animosity. It was no secret that the real reason her father was dropping the suit was Guangyao's unacceptable parentage. What would he think, to know his beloved daughter wasn't his at all? That she was a product of the same actions he so despised Guangyao for?

There was a reason a-Niang had forbidden her to tell him.

She tried to purge that jealousy, she truly did. She knew she shouldn't still feel this way. It made her skin crawl, to know that almost a week after finding out the truth, she still hadn't mastered herself. She was still in love with her brother.

At least he wasn't in love with her.

***

It had been a while since she'd last seen Luo Qingyang.

Even before she'd left the Jin sect in protest over their treatment of the Wen prisoners, they hadn't been close. She'd been a disciple, after all, training in the field, while Qin Su had been a gentlelady with low cultivation, preparing for the day she'd marry a gentleman. Luo Qingyang spent her days getting caked in mud and blood and sweat; Qin Su spent hers bathed in perfumes and incense and soft silks.

When Luo Qingyang was rushed into the main hall of Laoling's White River Hall, absolutely drenched from the summer monsoon and pleading for the Qin Sect to send backup to a nearby village immediately, Qin Su almost didn't recognize her. With her rough, undyed castoffs, her hair falling out of a tightly-knotted bun, she seemed an entirely different person than the young cultivator who had stuck to Jin Zixuan's side like a burr.

Qin Su volunteered to go along as a medic; her father objected, of course, but did not stop her. She had the most extensive and recent experience in field medicine in the Qin Sect from her own time on the warfront of the Sunshot Campaign. It would be a waste not to use her.

It gave her time to simply observe, as Luo Qingyang directed a-Die's men as though they were her own. It was exactly like running a household, she realized, as Qin cultivators scattered and wove around each other, like servants in the kitchen or the laundry, each completing their tasks in a complex and circular dance as Lady Luo directed them from the center. The rhythm of purposeful, competant motion, the not-quite-twirling of bodies in motion avoiding each other, swords raised not unlike serving platters, talismans thrown in the same way cleansing spells and dust-repelling wards were.

It occurred to Qin Su that the martial aspect of running a sect might not be so far afield from her skill set after all.

When the monster was subdued, the rains had quieted, the fighters treated, and the sun as high in the sky, Lady Luo bowed to a-Die. Before she would thank him for his hospitality and leave, Qin Su interrupted her.

"It's been so long since I've last seen you. Won't you stay and catch up, for old time's sake?"

Perhaps her cousin inheriting the sect was not a foregone conclusion, after all.

***

Assassinating Sect Leader Jin should not have been so easy.

Jin Guangshan should have been able to recognize his friend's wife, all those years ago; he should have been able to recognize his own daughter, now.

Qin Su clearly did not inherit her brain from the Jin side of the family.

***

Sect Heir Qin took a deep breath as Sect Leader Wu stood, once again, to press his case against the watchtowers.

Chief Cultivator Jin's face was perfectly neutral at the head of the room, his hands folded perfectly. Never slipping, even as he listened to Sect Leader Wu once again insult his past, his heritage, his morality; even as Sect Leader Wu asserted he would never be the man his father had been.

That was the only truth to come out of his mouth. Jin Guangyao would never be the man father had been. That Qin Su was Sect Heir Qin, not Jin-furen, was proof. Her dear friend would never force himself on an unwilling woman, and would be -- was -- appalled whenever another sibling came to them with a tale that was always just like his own or just like hers. Jin Guangyao would never string a prostitute along with promises of gold and flowers and a future, only to leave her behind. Jin Guangyao would never rape someone. Her brother was a good man because of and in spite of his past, not a sullied one.

She made eye contact with Sect Leader Lan, whose smile has turned to stone and whose hands were concealed under his sleeves -- probably clenched so hard his knuckles have turned white, if she was any judge -- and rolled her eyes at exactly the same time Sect Leader Jiang did, mimicking his expression perfectly before replacing it with her own sweet smile. Sect Leader Lan's eyes softened slightly at the edges, which was practically a hearty chuckle from him, given they were in a meeting.

Her brother wanted them both to remain quiet against the Shouchun Wu, if they could stomach it; he was confident that despite Sect Leader Wu's blustering, he wouldn't really hurt Jin Rulan. He was confident that Wu's opposition was best opposed by the cool ice of performative apathy, overcoming the fire of his temper. Qin Su wasn't so sure, but she trusted Jin Guangyao's political instincts.

When Jin Ling ran into the room crying for his uncle midway through Sect Leader Wu's rant, his snarl turned into an ugly grin as he grabbed the hilt of his sword. Qin Su was the only person in the room still looking at him, the rest distracted by the upset child. He began to draw his sword, and she had the horrible realization he was about to do exactly what he had threatened to do: he would take Jin Guangyao's precious nephew away.

Three brush strokes and a vastly-improved throwing arm, and Sect Leader Wu was immobalized, his sword drawn and raised. His eyes were focused on little Jin Ling.

The Fragrant Palace erupted into chaos.

***

"He's made the same mistake we did, a-Su," Guangyao said to her, once the silencing talismans had been tested. The youngest brother they knew of, Mo Xuanyu, was only fifteen, and Guangyao had taken him in at Koi Tower. "Except he made it in public. A-Su, I had no choice but to cast him out of the sect."

Qin Su raised her eyebrows at him. "Did you truly have no choice, Guangyao?"

His face, so usually schooled into a polite smile, was drawn and pale; the delicate skin under his eyes was lightly purple, a sure sign of missed sleep and missed application of make-up.

"A-Su, it's incest. Even the Jin sect could not overlook it, especially from me. You know this better than anyone."

"But to send him home? Guangyao."

Her brother drew in a sharp breath. Qin Su waited for him to collect himself. It was a rarity, to see him so torn up; she doubted even Lan Xichen saw him like this. She hoped he would allow him to, eventually. Lan Xichen worried about him more when he hid his emotions, not less. She had told Guangyao so, many times. Lan Xichen would love the ugly parts of him as much as he did the beautiful. She did not remind him that she had, all those years ago; the pain of bringing up their father's faults would far outweigh that Jin Guangyao was someone who had been worthy of her picky, particular heart.

"I don't want to send him home, a-Su. I don't want to, but I can't see any other way out. He tried to kiss me in public."

"I'll take him, Guangyao. He's my brother too, even if I can't acknowledge him. From what you've told me, he'll make a good disciple in the Qin sect. He'll be a brilliant talismanic cultivator when we're through with him."

Relief suffused her brother's every feature as she reached out and squeezed his hand.

***

Sect Leader Qin had known right away that the young man was not He Jintao.

He Jintao had been an angry young man, and few could blame him. He had known full well who he was. His entire sect had been doomed the moment his brother had spoken against Jin Guangshan.

An urgent butterfly, a sister who already knew dark secrets, and some candy had been enough to save a child named He Jintao's life, but not anyone else's. Children were beneath Jin Guangshan's notice.

He Jintao had spent eight years in hiding as Qin Jintao, studying talismans, studying the sword, always so, so angry. Two years before, he'd bowed deeply to Qin Su and her father and defected, declaring he would become a rogue cultivator.

He had most certainly gone rogue, if he had done what Xuanyu thought he'd done.

"Did you see his arm when he lifted it, Lady Qin? That's not an ordinary curse mark, it's a tally. It's what the Yiling Patriarch thought would happen if someone used his body-switching array, the one that is supposed to trade you places with a spirit. It's powered by revenge resentment."

That He Jintao had become a demonic cultivator disappointed but did not surprise her. She just wanted to know who he had summoned, and why. Rumor abounded that Wei Wuxian, the Yiling Patriarch, was back; if he was, this would be how. She also suspected that she already knew the answer to the second half, the why -- to avenge the Tiangshe He. To kill Jin Guangyao.

She understood He Jintao's pain, his desire for revenge. She could not allow him to have it.

Jin Guangyao was her brother, her dear friend, who had saved her and trusted her. She would save him in return.

The young man who was not He Jintao and Hanguang-jun entered Guanyin Temple, and Qin Su followed closely behind.

The whole ordeal was rather more dramatic than it needed to be, honestly. Guangyao always had been prone to overreacting, when his emotions got ahead of his sense.

"Is he truly Wei Wuxian?" Qin Su asked Lan Xichen, who was watching Guangyao hold a garrotte to not-He Jintao's throat in pale shock.

"Yes."

"Good." She turned to Guangyao. "Put your string away and stop provoking him. The Yiling Patriarch never attacks unless he's backed into a corner, or have you forgotten? Let's go inside to have this conversation. And Jin Rulan, go find Fairy and go back to bed."

The revelations of the night were not surprising. The demonic cultivation he'd been forced to pursue while their father was alive was old news to her, having taken in Xuanyu; she knew Lan Xichen knew about the notes, but he seemed genuinely shocked that Guangyao had done more than simply decode Wei Wuxian's manuscripts. That he had planned to kill their father was so obvious to her that she was very nearly bored. She hadn't known Guangyao had killed Nie Mingjue, but the man had tried to kill him at least twice, and nearly succeeded when he'd pushed him down the stairs of Koi Tower; he'd still been injured when she'd come to visit on sect business a month later.

Why Sect Leader Su had brought Sect Leader Nie in with him instead of having servants take him back to his hotel was beyond her.

"Am I the only person here with any sense?" she demanded. "Hanguang-jun, you want to upend the cultivation world on behalf of a man who died a decade ago? Yiling Patriarch, you, of all people, are upset about demonic cultivation?"

Lan Xichen turned his betrayed look on her. They'd become good friends, over the years. It hurt to see him look at her like he'd never known her. She chose to ignore it.

"The six of us are going to walk back to the inn. We will go to our rooms. We will go to sleep or meditate until tomorrow morning. Then we will have a civil adult discussion that does not involve making poor choices in a temple at night in the rain. Is that clear?"

With Sect Leader Su, she lifted Sect Leader Nie. He was dead weight, but his breathing was not quite even, his heartrate too fast; he was conscious. She carried him anyway, just in case; her cultivation was not the strongest, but she had vastly improved since she was twenty and decided she ought to take it more seriously, if she were to run a cultivation sect.

When they arrived back at the inn, she waited just a moment after Sect Leader Su left Sect Leader Nie's room.

"If someone were to hurt someone I loved," she said slowly, "I think I would take the same path as you have, Sect Leader Nie." She listened to him breathe, waited for him to grasp the implication. "But he would not want me to, if it meant destroying the world he fought so hard to save. I didn't know Nie Mingjue well, but he always struck me as far more just than any Jin. Is it worth throwing away his legacy for a single man's death, Sect Leader Nie?"

She did not wait for him to answer as she slipped out the door.

***

When Qin Su rose and descended to the main room of the inn for breakfast, Lan Xichen was the only person there.

"Where are He Ji-- the Yiling Patriarch and your brother?"

Lan Xichen looked at her cooly. "I am uncertain, Sect Leader Qin. I find that I am certain of little, now."

They sat in uncomfortable silence.

"He saved the children," she said finally. "Guangyao always saved the children. He couldn't disobey Jin Guangshan, not directly, but he always sent the children to me. We wanted to have a house full of them, when we were young."

"And yet you broke off the engagement, and neither of you ever married," Lan Xichen said dully, like he was repeating something he had been told before.

"Yes. Did Guangyao ever tell you why?"

"He always said it was because of his parentage. That it was deemed unbecoming, for the lovely and eligible Lady Qin to marry one of his background. I assume," Lan Xichen said, finally looking at her, "that you are about to tell me that this was another lie."

Qin Su hated the pain in her friend's eyes. "I don't think he ever lied to you. He might not have told the whole truth, but he never lied to either of us. We did break off the engagement because of his parentage. Guangyao and I are siblings, Lan Xichen. Neither of us can marry, because there is no telling who else we might be related to. Our backgrounds are both unclean."

"Why are you telling me this, Sect Leader Qin?"

"Because Guangyao hides the good as much as he hides the bad. Because I know the Lan sect has secrets as well. Because I love my brother and want him to be happy, and he's always happiest when he's with you."

Lan Xichen looked up as Jin Guangyao came down the stairs, and Qin Su served herself more rice. They ate in painful silence.

***

MianMian was always an unexpected visitor, but a welcome one.

Qin Su had never had many friends, but her friendships ran deep. MianMian had helped her deepen her cultivation, corrected her sword forms, ran her to the ground and back up again. The martial aspects of sect leadership never did come easily to her, but having MianMian as a friend had helped enormously.

It also helped enormously to hear the gossip she and her husband had to share as the three of them sat down for tea, watching Little MianMian play in the flower garden.

"Auntie Su!" Little MianMian shrieked, running up to her with muddy hands clutching something writhing. "I got you a worm!"

"Thank you, darling," Qin Su said while the child's parents laughed behind her. "Let's put Mr. Worm back in the ground now." She hiked up the skirts of her outermost robe, kneeling in the soil together with Little MianMian. "Say bye-bye, Mr. Worm!"

"Bye-bye Mr. Worm!" Little MianMain repeated dutifully, and giggled when Qin Su pulled her in for a hug.

Xuanyu was inside, running sect business on her behalf, letting his reputation as an eccentric keep people from remembering his ears and eyes worked perfectly fine. Lan Xichen had begun to write to her again, rather than delegating his correspondence to the Laoling Qin to his brother; she hoped they were approaching normalcy. He had written that Hanguang-jun and Wei Wuxian would be visiting Koi Tower soon, and that they may need overnight accommodations in Laoling. They were, as always, welcome in White River Hall, and she had written back to assure him that this was the case. Jin Guangyao and Jin Rulan were as safe as they could be, given they lived in the ever-precarious snake pit that was the Jin court at Koi Tower. Nie Huaisang had backed off a bit, once he realized she was onto him.

She hoped it was fear or shame that stopped him. She knew it was more likely practicality.

For the moment however, her friends were all safe, her brothers accounted for. The sun was shining, the flowers blooming, and she was hugging a child in a world that was safer than the one she was born into.

Qin Su was happy.

[i-shall-never-repent]

If you love a femme fatale in MDZS, here is a canon one for you.

This going to be long post with pictures, please remind yourself that skim reading or read just half of a post and then kick a fuss is unbecoming of an intellectual being humans suppose to be. Any discussion after finished reading the whole post is welcome. Also I’m not an expert on Chinese culture, just amateur with passion, and English is not my first language, if any grammar, spelling, or context error have been detected, please let me know, politely. I’m always willing to learn and improve.

From my observation, there is not a small part of this fandom salivating for a gorgeous seductive manipulative duplicitous bitch. Please believe me that we already have one in the canon, even with a fan. Though the correct term would be a Homme Fatal, a male equivalent of Femme Fatale.

Some of you may think of this man [Pic Source: Manhua]

No, not him. Not Nie Huaisang. This is a plot device for shock value.

You may have ask, then it must be this man right, but he doesn’t hold a fan? [Pic source: audio drama]

Also sadly no, not Jin Guangyao either. This man need to a kick and ‘son of a whore’ commentary from Nie Mingjue to motivate himself enough to kill him, too masochistic sentimental and not enough of ‘seducing’ evidence.

Homme Fatal, by the definition from Wikitionary, is “An ultimately seductive and dangerous man; a womanizer.” 

Who fit this description most in MDZS? It’s this man, Jin Guangshan. 

Let me introduce you to the real sexy manipulative scheming duplicitous mastermind of MDZS. With a fan. [Pic source: Donghua]

Now you might want to scream, this piece of trash, a man whore, slimy power hungry scumbag of the cultivation society Jin Guangshan? Are we talking about the same man? Yes, we are. And now I will elaborate.

First, look at his face, even though it might be universal agreement that he is not a good man, his appearance and his mannerism are indeed a seductive handsome man. Let me remind you again that these are his children.

From left to right: Jin Zixuan, Jin Guangyao, Qin Su, Mo Xuanyu [All pics are from Manhua]

They are undeniably, gorgeous. Jin Zixuan was rank 3rd in the young master list, that’s enough evidence of his good look. Jin guangyao may get most of his look from his mother - according to Guanyin statue that model after his mother’s face but people still thought it was his - but he still has his father’s charm. Qin Su is a beauty, even though we know nearly nothing about her, and Mo xuanyu’s face is definitely not shabby. Jin Guangshan’s gene is indeed worthy of a Jin’s name.

Second, Jin Guanshan is a dangerous man, might have been the most dangerous one on par with Wen Ruohan, even he was the weaker one in term of cultivation, at least you will have a gist if Wen Ruohan want you dead, you mostly still in the dark and not even wondering on your dead bed that did Jin Guangshan had a hand in your downfall. 

People like to forget that this man was Lanling Jin sect leader, sit on the throne in the viper pit call Jinlin Tower. That sect full of backstabbing people, gossips, and a lot of maneuvering in the dark. I’m still curious how in the heavens Jin Zixuan grow up to be the man he was in that kind of environment to be honest.

I can’t remember that Jin Guangshan was the oldest one in his generation or not, but we could assume that he surely at least had a sibling of main family line, because we have Jin Zixun, a man in ‘Zi’ generation who close enough to main family to share the ‘Zi’ character in his courtesy name, raise next to the clan heir as a spare one, and he call Jin Guangshan “uncle” (Can’t remember which one between Bó Fù/older paternal uncle or Shū Fù/younger paternal uncle).

Which mean he already a winner of his generation, when the story start, Lanling Jin was his domain, he was the highest authority over there with no contest, we never see anyone from Jin sect disobey him. Madam Jin can only voice out her displeasure, but can’t do anything regarding of her husband conduct. Their marriage, arranged as they were, is what tied Jin clan and her family together, which mean her maternal clan also on a good term with Jin, she cannot kick a fuss, as a marriage in ancient time never a matter of two people, it’s a matter of two families. 

And he was in process of securing his legitimated son place too. He raise his nephew as a ‘second best’, making sure that Jin Zixun will not have any ambition to ‘go above his station’ as we can see in the novel that Jin Zixun is Jin Zixuan’s fanboy or his lackey, he always praising or cheering Jin Zixuan, behave obediently toward his uncle, like that was his job. Jin Guangshan definitely win this one over already.

Now, one did not become a sect leader of a Great Sect and stay in power by being an incompetent moron. His habits of sleeping around may disgust people, but here me out, this is not unusual for a man of his status. His affairs with prostitutes [i.e Meng Shi] are easiest to take care, by the contract of transection, therefore he is blameless in the eyes of gentry class, they could only scold him for being ‘overindulgent’ or ‘lustful’, and he always go for the best one around, so some people might even praise him for his taste. Commoners and gentry class ladies [i.e. Second Lady Mo] are different, sleeping with those gentry class young miss not only a pleasure for him, it also could be a great way of getting information and blackmailing people too. Because if he let the public know which young lady he had already ‘conquered’, his reputation suffer nothing, but the lady in question will be ruined beyond saving, that’s one of the reason madam Qin decide to keep her raped quiet. And the lady’s reputation is link to her family, they will do many things just to keep Jin Guangshan happy and not to be shamed in public. Or if anyone want to have a problem with him, they still need to look at the social standing he had, both from his position as Sect Leader Jin and his extensive connections from all parties he threw. And if you think he would care about non-cultivators’ opinions, you have mistaken, to quote Tywin Lannister, "A Lion Doesn't Concern Himself With The Opinions Of The Sheep". Unlink Jin Guagyao who need his reputation to be spotless or else he’ll get a canon ending, the only ones he need to at least pretend to care are his cultivator peers of the same gentry class.

Sadly, him kicking Meng Yao down the stairs also ‘acceptable’ by the society standard of that era, because it’s Meng Yao who ‘trying to reach where he didn’t belong’ in the eyes of gentry, illegitimate children, if not acknowledged, have nothing to do with their father’s family. Cruel? Yes. But nobody care, this even become a famous joke, enough that people like Nie Mingjue know.

This prove that even he was a handsome man with a bad bitch vibes, many ladies still want to sleep with him, society still on his side, what a skill to have in one arsenal.

He was the only sect leader - in the Great sects categories - to get along with Wen Ruohan or play his card right, compare to Nie sect that lost the previous sect leader to a blatant assassination plot, but could only endure, the Lan’s Gusu was burned, Qingheng-Jun’s death, Lan Xichen need to flee for his life and his clan’s legacy, the Jiang’s Lotus pier suffer a massacre, and then you have Lanling Jin who sit on the fence with no damage. 

Then Sunshot campaign happen, he let his heir lead the Jin force while stay at Jinlin Tower, he feigned ignorance over Nie Mingjue’s letter concerning Meng Yao, if Meng Yao die, he would have one less problem in his life, if he survive then Jin clan still get a soldier to be used, no big deal. And when Meng Yao become a spy, this also benefit him greatly, if the Wen wins, he could say that he sent Wen Ruohan a good tool and was force to join the Sunshot side, pulling “Look at how unwilling I was, the Jin not even try that hard you see”.

We already witness he jump in full force to reap the benefit after the Wen lost, Jin Guangshan is smart and skill enough to wait for the clear victory, legitimize Jin Guangyao to take the war credits, with a ‘Guang’ name to exclude him from succession line, with a connection to Lan and Nie clans via Sworn Brotherhood. The best of all is no one can publicly complain anything, Jin clan is the most intact great clan after war, Lan need money for their rebuild their home, Jiang need to be rebuild from scratch, Nie Mingjue lack seniority to scold a man of his father generation, Lan Qiren who is in the same generation lack a position to do so, smaller sects also need his backing to rebuild, want to be on his good side or risking annihilation when no one can help them. He rope in the Jiang clan by Jiang Yanli’s marriage, for the society, he is the benevolent man who honors the promise of two clans even when the Jiang is still in ruin, he is a kind man who help the younger generation, what a good father-in-law to be. Now do you feel that this man is scary? He come out of war, lying in his own house but still emerge with enough political power to maneuvering society, that’s an achievement on its own.

Then he look at Yiling Patriarch, his next goal. If he cannot control this dangerous man then let him be destroy and let him create the one that will belong to Jin clan. Not dissimilar to the opinion in Cold War related to nuclear weapon. First he sow a discord between Jiang Cheng and Wei Wuxian, play the insecurities of young sect leader who has no family backing, pressure him with society, even though losing his heir was out of the plan. He used his ‘spare son’, who has a great work resume for shady business, to do all his dirty work and supervise demonic cultivation experiment that if society found out he could have a perfect scapegoat, after all, it’s not surprise for ‘a son of a whore’ with ‘dirty blood and upbringing’ to be like that. Daggling his ‘love and legitimize’ over Jin guangyao’s head to ensure loyalty and obedience. Getting Mo Xuanyu into the clan also sent a message that ‘I can always replace you with any of my spare’. He let Xue Yang have fun with the Chang clan, a revenge massacre while tasting demonic cultivation experiment, win-win for then both, Nie Mingjue went to talk with Jin Guangshan on this matter but Jin Guangyao end up taking all the blame of his father’s conduct, wow. Correct me if I’m wrong here, Jin Guangshan was the one who order Nie Mingjue’s death wasn’t he. If yes, then his plan to establish Jin sect as the main power after the war is really clean cut, ‘get rid of the one I can’t control’.

Let’s be real, Jin Guangshan must be the best politician of his own generation, Wen Ruohan is too strong for this skill to be essential, but doesn’t mean he isn’t good (may be next essay then), Jiang Fengmian wasn’t a bad sect leader, but he just too mild for that political climate, late Nie sect leader was too careless in whatever spat he had with Wen Ruohan, and Qingheng-jun was a fail sect leader. Yes, marry for love must be so romantic, but then he just throw all his responsibility onto Lan Qiren’s shoulder, poor man, what a disaster older brother to have, madam Lan debacle must be a political nightmare. 

Jin Guangshan’s mistake was he overvalue himself in Jin Guangyao’s eyes, and underestimated how low his bastard son willing to sink to before rise up, but need to give it up to him though, poetic justice of his death is so iconic. Not many people can claim they die while doing what they love aren’t they.  

[mercyandmagic]

Hi, mercyandmagic thank you for answering my asks... :D

Don't know if you remember, but I've asked before of your top 5 fav mxtx characters, and you've answered yours. If you don't mind me asking, can I ask you, why you like those characters (in a longer asnwer)? Sorry, if I ask you similar question again......

Yessss. This gonna be long. We’ll start from 5th and work our way to #1. 

5. Wei Wuxian

First, there’s just something incredibly refreshing about an untamed (ahem) character who says the thing everyone thinks but won’t dare say. It is my second-favorite character trope (We’ll get to the first). Plus, he has a great sense of justice and a self-sacrificing spirit... and yet he is capable of great cruelty, sadism, and hurting others to vent his pain (Nightless City, Wen Chao). Believe it or not, the fact that he has done great evil he cannot undo makes me love him more... because he knows it.  

In Chapter 68, when he’s confronted, he doesn’t deny killing Fang Mengchen’s parents, nor taking Yi Weichun’s leg. He doesn’t show anger at their valid pain; he merely points out that nothing he can do now will undo the damage he caused. 

He also has a low tolerance for BS and a high level of empathy. The fact that he scoffs at the cultivators gossiping against Jin Guangyao, the fact that he isn’t happy they have a new scapegoat, speaks a lot. Plus, he can easily understand why the Hook Hand’s final victim needs to scream (Ch. 124), why Jin Guangyao spared Sisi (Ch. 111) and made the Guanyin Temple (Ch. 110), why Nie Huaisang doesn’t want to admit what he did (Ch. 110), etc. Wei Wuxian is just great.

4. Qin Su

She deserves far more appreciation than she gets. She was involved in the Sunshot Campaign. When society judged Jin Guangyao and Meng Shi for their status, Qin Su never did. She loved the man who saved her life. She was willful enough to be the pursuer in her relationship with Jin Guangyao (Ch. 47), and was open to sleeping with him to ascertain their marriage (Ch. 106). She’s naive and trusting, despite losing her son. She’s loyal AF even to Bicao, even though Bicao literally sold her out for jewelry (ahem, Ch. 85). 

Qin Su. only has a short side role in the larger novel, but she’s a fully developed human.  That’s incredible.

3. Lan Wangji

I relate to Lan Wangji more than any of the other characters. Not being able to communicate, or being afraid to – relatable. Plus, having grown up fundamentalist Christian, I find the way in which Lan Wangji’s stubborn rule-following gives way to a willingness to break the rules when it does no harm or helps those he loves... inspiring. Like, he goes from having himself beaten for being pulled outside the Cloud Recesses (something this scrupulosity-sufferer relates to very well) to giving Wei Wuxian the Emperor’s Smile hidden in the Jingshi (Ch. 65).  

If I may add, I read MDZS around the same time I watched GOT Season 8. There’s a similarity in how Wei Wuxian and Daenerys Targaryen have murderous breakdowns after losing everything and everyone close to them. And yet instead of putting Wei Wuxian down like a dog (side eyes Jon Snow), Lan Wangji takes him away, tries to save him, still believes he is capable of good. In his own words, he’s “willing to bear all of the consequences with [Wei Wuxian].” Lan Wangji believes in redemption, in chance after chance. He’s refreshing in a world that believes one deed can stain you forever. I love him.

2. Lan Xichen

He’s just... good? Like, really good? He has to balance leading a clan with a society that is very Not Good, and this definitely leads to some gray points (The Wens, saying nothing in support of Mianmian, etc). But he, like Qin Su, refuses to judge people for origins. He always has to see the good in others – as Ch. 105 says, “whenever he heard there might be hidden reasons, he just had to hear it.” Lan Xichen wants to know and sympathize with everyone’s reasons. That’s just... wonderful. 

It’s notable that his whereabouts for the First Siege of the Burial Mounds are unknown. Lan Qiren led the Gusu Lan Clan, not Lan Xichen (Ch. 68). Which makes me speculate that while he thought Wei Wuxian was done for, he couldn’t bear to participate in killing the man his brother loved.   

He’s a touch avoidant, as seen when he tells Wei Wuxian he does not want to know why his mother killed his father’s teacher (Ch. 64). (I will also defend him agains the charges that he was wrong to try to reconcile Nie Mingjue and Jin Guangyao – they were his friends and Lan Xichen believed in them. Those two made their own choices, and it was Not Lan Xichen’s Fault). 

Anyhow, he’s good. And he loves Jin Guangyao. I know MXTX said she did not write a romance with them, and I don’t think they ever would have cheated on Qin Su. But that does not diminish that Lan Xichen’s seclusion at the end of the novel, is described as “exactly reversed” from when Lan Wangji was mourning Wei Wuxian (Ch. 114).  

1. Jin Guangyao

My favorite character. trope, the sneaky bastard with daddy issues! What makes Jin Guangyao stand out even among all my favorite sneaky bastards is that... his actions are so very gray that IMO he’s not even really a villain.

For real, what did Jin Guangyao do? Kill his brother who tried to kill him first and was slowly losing his grip on reality and hurting him and Nie Huaisang anyways? (Ch. 49, 50) It was still wrong – and I firmly believe that the motivation was payback for ‘son of a prostitute,’  (as Wei Wuxian suggests, Ch. 104) and not safety – but my point remains. (Plus there’s the implication that Jin Guangshan willed it, too). (Ch. 106).

Married his lover after discovering she was his sister to keep her from being an unwed mother? (Ch. 106) In that situation, I wish he had told Qin Su so she could choose, too, but I fail to find anything condemnable in Jin Guangyao’s actions there. 

Furthermore, when writing “Sentiment” and now “Sunlit Jade,” what I’ve been struck by is that most of his misdeeds end with killing Jin Guangshan. 

The possible exception is Jin Rusong (and since our main source for the idea of cold-blooded filicide and framing of an innocent clan leader is Clan Leader Yao, I am highly skeptical). And Xue Yang remaining alive, but again, we don’t know if Jin Guangyao chose to let him go with a warning/beating severe enough to disable his leg, or if Jin Guangyao truly meant to kill him (I favor the former position, but it’s open for interpretation).

Now, how Jin Guangyao kills and the fact that he does kill his father is wrong. Burning the brothel? Wrong, though I understand his hatred of that place and the people there. Killing the He Clan? Wrong, but 1) it’s on his father’s orders, and 2) he has a rather intriguing reaction when Xue Yang shuts He Su in alive with the corpses. (Ch. 118). 

He looks for something to “comfort” himself. 

This is strange, because he’s previously been a torturer (Ch. 47). What is more torture to him? 

I don’t know the answer, but it speaks to someone who suffers a lot, who did a lot of terrible things in pursuit of a love from his father that never came. And someone who, once he gains power in the position of Chief Cultivator, implements a program to save more commoners’ lives than ever before (Ch. 42).

That’s not the action of a villain.

[Sidenote, and based off a comment that wryhun on AO3 once left me: What I love the most about Jin Guangyao, and MDZS as a whole, is depending on the perspective you take, anyone can be an antagonist or a protagonist.

Jiang Cheng can be Wei Wuxian’s tsundere shidi (reader perspective), or he can be the serial killer of demonic cultivators who refuses to help commoners with spirits unless people have already died (Innkeeper’s perspective, Ch. 92).

Nie Huaisang can be the avenging didi (often a fan’s perspective), or the person who treated the juniors like fodder, killed cats, and sliced up a woman’s body just for revenge (Wei Wuxian’s perspective in Ch. 110, Jin Guangyao’s perspective in Ch. 108).]  

Jin Guangyao is an antagonist because his goals conflict with Wei Wuxian’s. But he’s really no worse than many of the other characters, and in fact, while all have suffered, he’s arguably suffered some of the worst circumstances of all. 

He makes poor choices, although he insists he doesn’t have a choice. I believe that he believes he has no choice... but he does. And that is so very, very tragic. 

I love him and want the world (or really just Lan Xichen) for him. 

[if-found-return-to-gusu]

No More Running

Okay okay. 

I have to get better at timely updates.

I mean. I don’t have to do anything. It’s my blog. I can do whatever I want.

But still. Gotta get better at timely updates.

So I re-read my old post and… I think I was in an even worse place than I really realized. 

Ugh my thoughts are still so scattered. Where to go, where to go. 

Probably with that following Saturday.

So I told you guys that I wanted to leave and find somewhere else. Basically I was looking to become a hermit. Find some distant mountains and just seclude myself where I wasn’t a bother to anyone.

I was supposed to go to Lan Zhan’s on Saturday. I said I would. He said he wanted me to. But I couldn’t. 

I’d stayed up all night looking for places to go, calculating how much it would cost and how far I could get before I’d have to stop. 

I was determined to at least do this better than last time. Last time I didn’t have any warning. This time it was all my choice.  I was gonna do it right. 

I was still afraid of a shut down. (still am) but like… distantly. Like once I was off on my own what would it matter if kept going or not? First I just had to get out. And then nothing would matter.  Just like me. 

I remember hearing my phone buzzing. Some texts. Some calls. Lan Zhan was probably worried because I didn’t show up. But I just kept looking. Kept researching. Kept calculating. 

I was startled when there was a pounding at my door.

I should have expected it. After the way I’d been acting. With the promises I was breaking. But somehow it still scared me. 

I opened the door and found Lan Zhan panting in front of me. I guess I should have expected it. I mean, I’d said I’d meet him. And I knew how good Lan Zhan was. Is. Lan Zhan is so good. 

I was struck a bit by the thought that this must have been what it was like for Lan Zhan before. When I ran to him. When I showed up at his door panting for breath. 

Well no mine was worse. He’d tried to get a hold of me. He’d tried to call. I was ignoring him. I was ignoring everyone. 

When my brain whirred back to life I decided to ask the intelligent question “What are you doing here?” Like the answer wasn’t obvious. 

“You didn’t come…”

He looked so distraught  when he answered. He was still trying to catch his breath. His expression was… he was so OPEN. 

So open it tore me to pieces. 

I stepped back to let him in but he just stepped closer to me and pulled me into such a tight hug. It was so tight it almost hurt. In the best way. It was a little like Gamby when she held me before.  Like when Jiang Cheng hugged me after he finally found me after I’d disappeared all those years ago. Is that… is that what it’s like to hug family? Real family?

It must be. 

Family.

I should try to hug some of the Wens like that. Do you think they’d understand? Wen Qing would probably stab me, but Wen Ning would let me. And little A-Yuan. I want to hug him up and never let go. I can’t believe I was about to leave him behind. 

I can’t believe I was going to leave all this. Everyone. Lan Zhan. 

My family. 

My family. 

Lan Zhan said something against my neck. Said he’d been worried about me. I tried to laugh it off and tell him that he didn’t need to worry. I’d hoped he’d take it as there was nothing to worry about even though I meant /I/ was nothing to worry about.  He squeezed me a bit harder and shook his head as he let go. 

And then his eyes seemed to look past me. To the table. 

Where my computer was sitting. Unlocked. On a web page. Looking for apartments. In Qishan. 

The look in his eyes. The hurt. Oh Lan Zhan I’m so sorry. I’m so so sorry. I never meant to hurt you. I never want to hurt you. I’m so sorry. 

He asked me about it and I just panicked and snapped the laptop shut. So hard I was afraid I’d cracked the screen (I hadn’t thank god.) 

I didn’t say anything. What could I say? 

Sorry Lan Zhan. I’ve decided I was gonna ghost everyone I know and love with no warning or explanation and hadn’t planned on you ever seeing me again. Sorry for the inconvenience. 

Though maybe if I’d had I would have realized how STUPID I’ve been lately. 

But I didn’t say anything. Couldn’t say anything. Couldn’t even LOOK at him. Couldn’t bear to see that look on his face again. 

Fuck. 

I hope he never has to make that face ever ever again. 

My Lan Zhan. 

My sweet Lan Zhan. 

I need to do better by him. 

He was silent for a moment. Waiting for me to say something? To answer? To explain myself?

I suppose I could have lied. Said I was helping a friend look. But I can’t lie to him. Not like that. And I doubt he would have believed me anyway. 

Finally he broke that tense silence, shattering the quiet like ice under a boot. I could almost hear the shards of it hit the floor as he asked me not to leave. 

My world shattered with that silence. Struck by the smooth baritone of his voice. 

He asked me to stay. 

He told me I’m the closest friend he has.

And it broke me. 

That couldn’t be true. It wasn’t true. The way he said it. The way he said it was like there was no one else but me. 

I didn’t understand. What about SangSang? MianMian? QIn Su? What about them? People he’d known much longer than me. 

He shook his head. “Not the same.” he said. 

Not the same?   But… if our relationship wasn’t the same as those then what was it? What were we? What are we? 

I’m still not sure. Through all this…. We’re not friends…. We’re something else.  I don’t mean that like we’re not… friends, but we’re not! We’re… I don’t know… more than that? Not quite friends not quite lovers. Something…. Something delicate hanging somewhere in the middle. 

He’s not my friend, but he’s still… he’s still my best friend. And so much more.

My soul mate maybe? 

…..

Yeah… I like that

My soul mate.

That pendulum. Right now it’s hanging still in that space between the two. A stone attached to a delicate string. All I need to do is rock it a little. Let it start to swing and hope that string doesn’t snap.

And whichever way that pendulum swings, to friendship or towards love. Either way he is my soulmate. 

My soulmate. 

I think… I think I’m almost ready to let it swing. 

Not yet. I have some more things going on. I’ve got a trial on Tuesday too. Gotta remember to get a new suit since my old one was ruined. (Not my trial. My neighbor. I helped her out of some trouble before which is why she likes me but she needs me as a witness against her old boyfriend. Some Wen guy. Not gonna go into it until after that’s all settled though. You know, just in case. )

Anyway. I’m getting away from myself again. But you guys are used to that by now, aren’t you? And you’re still here. Just like Lan Zhan you are all still here. 

Thank you. 

*sigh* 

Anyway.

I stared at him a while as these questions all raced through my subconscious. I couldn’t think of anything to say. I couldn’t ask him what we were. I was afraid to know. 

So instead I just asked him why. 

 Why.

Why what? 

Just why.

Why me? Why was I any different? Why would he even bother to give me the time of day? Why was he here? Why didn’t he want me to leave? Why did he look so hurt? Why did he care at all? 

Why.

Why.

Why. 

He seemed confused, but slowly collected his thoughts and gave me an answer. 

He told me about his other relationships, or lack thereof. He told me about the complications with Nie Huaisang. 

SangSang… I won’t go into this. I think you should talk to him though. He’s a quiet person and he internalizes things like me… but I think you two have a misunderstanding that needs to be addressed. 

Because I don’t think he knows how important he is to you. I know I know calling the kettle black. But still. I’m working on fixing myself. I am. But I think you two need to talk too. I hope you do.

And I hope you’re nice to him when you do talk to him. If you do talk to him. 

If you’re mean I’ll kick your ass. 

I led him further inside so he could take a seat. After all the trouble I’d caused him the least I could do was listen now. 

He didn’t even seem to notice as he kept talking and talking. I didn’t know he had this many words in him. How long had he been holding them back? Storing up all these words that this many came flooding out all at once?  How deep is that well? How many words is he storing up even now?

He’s a quiet man. So much more quiet than me. But I let my words go in a constant stream. How many words does he have dammed up inside him? What happens when the floodgates break? 

He talked to me about his relationship with SangSang. And he spoke about the girls. He said how he liked them but they must only see him as a boss. Or a coworker. How they never asked him to go out with them after work. 

Has he ever asked them? I don’t think I thought to ask. 

That’s something we’re going to fix. They like him too. I know they do. Maybe they don’t know he’s interested? I know he can be a bit hard to read? Or maybe they asked him before but he didn’t realize? I think he’d need to be told explicitly. So if it was implied… maybe he just didn’t notice. 

Hmm…

I’m gonna look into this. We all need to go out together. 

I let him talk. I let him let out all those words until the flow stopped.  

I stood in front of him. I didn’t know what to say. What could I say? Lan Zhan is always good at rendering me speechless but not like this. 

I opened my mouth, but swallowed my words down again. 

I tried again, but still couldn’t find the right thing to say. 

Comfort him? How could I offer comfort? What could I say?

His name. It was all I could say. More than once. 

Lan Zhan.

Lan Zhan.

I tried again. And made it all about me again. 

Because of course I did. 

I think… I think I was trying to relate to him but it ended up being pure selfishness. 

I told him how I felt. All these things that have swirled inside me my whole life. Not just now. Not just after what happened with Madam Yu. Always. A lifetime of resentful energy building up in my soul. All of it directed at myself. 

I’m a burden to everyone I meet. I’m just trouble. Everyone acts like they need to watch me in case I do something stupid. Hurt myself or get myself hurt. I’m like an errant toddler that needs to be under constant supervision so I don’t brain myself on a table corner because I wasn’t paying attention. Because I wasn’t looking where I was going. 

That’s fair I guess. I am always looking behind me instead of ahead. Guess that’s why I keep running into everything. 

Still, it’s exhausting. Being everyone’s charity project. Being the pity friend. The one you keep around to make yourself feel better because at least you’re not that bad. And look at that! You’re so good helping this poor pitiful creature. Like a bird that flew into a window. You nurse it back to health and watch as it flies right into the wall. 

But you tried right?

I don’t want to be anyone’s pity friend. I don’t want to be the person everyone always feels sorry for. That they need to take care of because he can’t even take care of himself. 

Always pitied. Always less. Substandard. Exhausting. 

The one you only keep around so you don’t feel guilty if something DOES happen. Because at least you tried right?

You can probably tell but these feelings aren’t gone. I’m better, but these feelings aren’t gone. I still feel this way. I’m working on it.  It’s not as intense. And it’s not constant anymore. For now. 

I’m working on it. 

“Wei Ying, you are not a charity project. You are not a pity friend.”

Of course that’s what he’d say. Who could say anything else? I didn’t believe him and I didn’t hide that I didn’t believe him. I scoffed. What good were words like that? Empty reassurances. Just because Lan Zhan tried harder to save the bird that kept flying into walls doesn’t mean he didn’t pity the bird. 

I think I snapped again then. I was angry. So angry. At him. At me. At the world. 

Just angry!

“You keep giving me so much! Time, money. Everything. I owe you too much already! Bad things happen when I owe too much to people.”

Those… I don’t think I ever planned on saying those words out loud. It was like an unspoken rule about the nature of the debt. You don’t talk about what you owe. You just pay it. 

First rule of fight club and all that. 

He tried to tell me that I didn’t owe him anything. Of course I do. Nothing is free. Everything needs to be repaid. With most friendships you have that healthy give and take. They give a little you give a little. So it balances out. In most friendships and relationships you don’t have to worry about the debt because you’ve kept it all balanced.

There was no balance here. Just a scale with all the weight pushed to one side as it teetered over the edge of a table. Once that side gets too heavy it’s bound to tip. It’ll crash to the floor and destroy everything. 

It’s happened before. It’ll happen again. 

I told him about the Jiangs. The scale that had long since shattered on the tiles. About the Wens whose scale was tipped so far over that edge that there was no chance of me ever bringing it back into balance. All I could do was keep trying to do what I can to place enough counterweights that it didn’t join the Jiangs on the ground. 

I told him about his own scale. Tipping. Tipping so quickly with so much weight. He keeps giving and giving and there’s nothing I can add to the counterbalance. There’s nothing I can give back.  I can’t keep up with him. I can just watch as it trembles over that edge. 

I think I might have yelled at some point. I don’t remember. But I know I was quiet when I said that last bit to him. That I couldn’t keep up. 

He looked like he wanted to speak but I stopped him. 

“You’re going to get tired of being the only one giving when I have nothing to give back.”

He told me again I owed him nothing. He seemed…. Desperate? But determined too.  

But I didn’t want to hear it. I couldn’t stand it. 

I know I started yelling then. 

I yelled about all the things he gave me. How much I owed. My job. My life.  And even his brother. Giving me a cellphone. I can’t repay Lan Zhan, how the fuck am I supposed to square with his brother too?

Take take take. All I know is take take take. 

But then he yelled at me. He’s never yelled at me like that. It… I think I’d rather be stabbed by the Jin Asshole’s goons again. 

He yelled at me, saying once again that I owed him nothing. 

And it hurt. I can’t explain why or how it hurt. It was… it was like a splinter in my heart. One I’d been poking at for years. A splinter surrounded by a bruise. I press it to remind myself it’s there but never let myself draw it out. Because pulling hurts more than pushing. I push the splinter in further further further. Into my heart. Into my soul. Pushing pushing pushing.

And Lan Zhan slapped my hand aside so he could take that splinter.

And he pulled. 

Agony. Just…. This shouldn't have hurt that bad. But…

But I think it was a good hurt. Because as long as that splinter is in there I can’t heal. I can manage the pain. But I can’t heal. 

And so he pulled. So I can try to heal.

“You owe me nothing, because you’ve already given me so much more than I can ever repay.”

Pulling pulling pulling. 

I think… I think that’s why I was running. He’s been gently pulling out that splinter this whole time. Piece by piece. So gentle and soft that I almost couldn’t notice. 

But I keep pushing it back in. Further. Harder. Rougher. And so he had no choice but to yank it. And that yanking hurts. It hurts so bad. 

But I need to let him pull. 

He started talking again. He told me how he never fit in in high school. How he never really had friends except for Huaisang. But Huaisang had his own friends. 

And then he changed schools anyway. And he spent so much time alone.

Oh Lan Zhan. Lan Zhan you were so lonely. All this time. And I tried to leave you too. 

Oh Lan Zhan I’m so so sorry. 

He told me how people found him too quiet. Or thought he didn’t smile enough. And that in college it was just so much worse. They talked behind his back. Like just because he didn’t talk that doesn’t mean he couldn’t hear you assholes. 

Fuck I want to go find all of them. I want to beat some sense into them. How could anyone look at Lan Zhan and not see just how amazing he is? How wonderful? Yeah he’s quiet but that’s just with words. His eyes. His actions. His heart. They say so much. You just have to listen properly. To look!

And in the work-force it didn’t get any better. People avoided and excluded him. 

I insert myself everywhere. I’m impossible to avoid. I inserted myself into Lan Zhan’s life just the same. 

Lan Zhan, you’re not cold. You’re not boring. You’re not bland or uninteresting. 

You’re kind and warm and smart and funny and just… Lan Zhan you’re everything. You’re my everything. My soulmate. 

What he said next. It’s seared into my mind. Every single word. 

He told me… He said….

He said. 

“I’m not friends with you because I take pity on you. I’m friends with you because you’re the first person who’s ever seen me and cared to look beyond. I’m friends with you because I’ve never felt closer to anyone else before. I’m friends with you because there’s nothing more precious to me than spending time with you and getting to keep all the memories we built together. You owe me nothing, because this is what you have consistently given me ever since we met. And no amount of money will ever cover that.”

He was talking so long and so fast that he was out of breath. His throat must have been so raw after that. 

And all I could do was stare at him. The whole time. In dumbstruck silence. I… I moved towards him but then doubted myself and pulled back again. I cried I think. For him. For me. Just to cry. 

I wanted to hold him so bad. To be held. But I didn’t know what to do.  But then he started to hold himself and I couldn’t take it anymore. I grabbed his arms to unwind them from himself so I could slither in instead. I held onto him. I think I might have died if I tried to let go just then. 

I tried to talk again. To say something. Anything.

My panic instincts kicked in again and tried to make me turn it into a joke. Even though nothing about this was okay to laugh at. 

“You don’t have to pay me to be your friend you know” I said. LIke a dick. 

WHO FUCKING JOKES AFTER ALL THAT? Me apparently. 

And joking was so off the mark for that moment that of course he thought I was serious. And tried to tell me that he wasn’t paying me. And… it wasn’t funny but… Lan Zhan is so cute. And so earnest. 

I laughed. I actually laughed. Fuck I hope he didn’t think it was at him. It was… all that tension. I felt like it was finally starting to release. So I laughed. It’s the one thing I always know how to do. Laugh. 

I told him I know. I know he’s not paying me to be his friend. I know. 

“I”m not paying you. I”m just. I…” I don’t know what he was trying to say, but it seemed he really wanted to make sure I knew. And I did. I do. 

I let him finish, but when it didn’t seem like he knew how, I decided to try to help. 

He’d told me so many of his hidden truths. I needed to share some of mine. Not to pay him back. Not out of owing him. Just… I needed to.

I told him that I don’t know how to accept things for nothing. How everything in my life has always come with a price tag and how paying those debts has almost killed me. Price tags with much less written on them than what he’s given me. They almost killed me. 

My shoulder burned then. The scar… I couldn’t quite reach it  where it was on my shoulder. I brushed my fingers against the edge of it and it almost felt hot to the touch. 

Obviously in my mind. It’s just a memory now. A memory and a mark. The muscle still hurts. The joint. But not the skin. The skin doesn’t feel anything really. Nothing but the memory of the pain. 

Maybe it’s the splinter.

He held me then. He held me so tight again. His hand moved to where mine hadn’t been able to reach. I’d forgotten he’d seen that scar, even for a second. I wonder if Wen Qing or SangSang ever told him more about it. I think I was pretty vague about it. I didn’t want him to worry. I didn’t want him to pity me. Especially for something that was already long since done and over with. 

His palm was large and warm. And somehow that warmth eased the burn. It soothed it away back into the strange numbness that it should have been. But even though that bit of skin doesn’t really feel that well anymore..I could still feel his touch. 

You know… I don’t think anyone’s touched that spot other than me or Wen Qing since it happened. Not since she did my final check up to make sure it healed as well as it was gonna. 

To be honest, the long-term damage should have been much much worse. Wen Qing is the best doctor in the world. And I really mean that. 

I slid my arms around his neck, hoping to keep his hand there longer. To keep that comfort. 

“You are not nothing, Wei Ying,” he said. And just like his touch, his voice washed over me with that same soothing warmth.  “I don’t give you money in exchange for your time. I.. I just…”

I knew that. I know that. Though, admittedly before I knew that in the context of who would actually PAY to be around me? But that’s… that’s not the right way to think of it either. 

He was quiet for just a brief moment, and then, bless him, he started to talk again. 

He told me about his mom. A distant, old memory. He’d asked her why we received presents on birthdays and holidays and stuff. 

I can just picture him. Looking like he did in the photos in my album. So cute and curious with his large golden eyes open wide as he stared as his mother with so much adoration. 

I want to go back in time and pinch his chubby little cheeks. 

She told him. She said. We give gifts because we care a lot about the person we’re giving them to. And so he asked her if that meant she cared about him. 

His voice was so soft when he said she’d told him she loved him to the moon and back and that she’d spoil him with gifts until he was as big as his dad and beyond.

I wish I could have seen him when he said that. Was his face as soft as his voice? But that would mean letting go of him and that was just not possible. 

So instead of looking, I laughed again. Not at him. Never at him. I think he knows that. I hope so. 

“So you spoil me because you care about me?” I asked, feeling bold. 

He nodded. “A lot.”

I laughed again. It was all I could do. 

And then we were silent again. But it was a kind silence this time. A soft one. Just me and him and our arms around each other. Each of us anchoring the other to this ever revolving earth. Keeping each other firmly grounded. 

Eventually I had a thought and of course had to share it. 

“So if I want to repay you properly I just gotta spend as much time with you as I can?” 

He rubbed his head against mine and I nuzzled closer. 

“Only if you want to,” he said. Then he took a deep breath and spoke again. 

He told me he wanted me to stay. That he wanted to build more memories with me. But it was more important that I was happy. 

That finally got me to pull away. I had to look at him. I could tell he was going to speak again and I needed to see him when he did. Even though the sun was already starting to dim as it does so early now. Even though the apartment was left shadowed in the semi-darkness. I needed to see him. 

“I don’t want you to. But if you want to leave.”

And I smiled. Not a forced one. A real smile. He made me really smile. I don’t know that anyone other than him could have done that.

Lan Zhan.

Lan Zhan.

Oh my Lan Zhan. 

I smiled at him and reminded him that I’d promised not to distance myself anymore. 

I’d already broken that promise… or tried to anyway, but that’s neither here nor there. 

He looked hesitant. 

“You did.” he said. “But are you happy?”

That was hard. But I didn’t want to lie. I didn’t want to hide. He was pulling on the splinter again. And I had to let it hurt.

I smiled again, I think. It wasn’t… a happy smile. But it wasn’t a sad one either. I don’t know. I can’t explain how I felt. He was digging out that splinter but for once I was glad of the pain. 

“No. Not yet. But it’s better when I’m with you.”

I meant it. I mean it. It’s better when I’m with him. 

And now… I’m happy sometimes. Not as often as I’d like but I’m getting there. And it’s always when I’m with him. 

And I’m learning that it’s okay. It’s okay that he makes me happy. And it’s okay that I’m not always happy. I’m allowed to be unhappy about what happened. What’s happening. I’m allowed to have negative emotions. I’m allowed to pull out that splinter. 

I still push it in again sometimes. It hasn’t been that long yet and old habits are hard to break. But I”m trying to remember. Pull. Don’t push. Let Lan Zhan help. Let everyone help. 

He pulled me back into his arms again and kissed my forehead. 

He asked me to stay and I agreed. I would stay. I will stay. 

I will. I won’t run from this anymore. 

We stayed like that again, the silence stretching on between us. Eventually he started to hum. He’d played the song he was humming before I think. On his guqin.

It was a comforting song. So nice. So gentle. Just… I don’t know…. It felt like a part of me. Of us. It’s important, that song.  I don’t know. Maybe that sounds silly. But it’s true. 

I asked him about it. What it was called.  He shrugged (which felt funny with my head on his shoulder. Almost laughed again. Didn’t. ) He told me he didn’t know. 

I hummed my understanding. Not everything needs to be named. And maybe he’d find one eventually. No rush. No rush. 

I nudged him back then. My butt was falling asleep from being on his lap for so long and I wanted to lay down. I was exhausted even though all I’d done was yell at him. 

I flopped down onto the bed and pulled him with me. He let me.  I told him it was more comfortable that way and he let me rearrange our limbs so that we could fit together just so. We were even closer like this which was, as always, much better. 

He kissed my head again. 

Oh I love him. 

I decided that since today was a day of sharing that we should share some other things too. Things that were a bit less…. Dire. 

“I don’t like anchovies.” is what my brilliant genius goblin brain came up with. 

He looked at me, obviously confused by my admittedly random admission. 

“I don’t like anchovies,” I said again. “And  people who stand in the middle of aisles at the grocery store should be punished by law.”

Okay don’t @ me. I know I feel too passionately about that last one but goddamn! Pick a fucking side!!!

Right or left!!!

No? Just gonna park it right in the middle while you stare at the canned peas for 20 minutes so NO ONE can get past you? 

Fuck off. Go to jail. Do not pass go. Just uuuuuuughhhh. I hate it. 

Lan Zhan just nodded and accepted this new information. But he wasn’t playing the game!

So I poked him. 

ANd he squirmed and made this.. This NOISE. Omg. Oh he’s so cute. I forgot, with all that happened, how TICKLISH he is!! Haha. 

I rubbed the spot to apologize. I hadn’t meant to tickle him this time. I don’t think he bought it. 

But he also still wasn’t playing the game! So I asked him to tell me something else about himself. 

He told me that he hates Easter which surprised me! Because he loves sweets so much and Easter is a great holiday for sugary candy. 

He said though that it was because of the poor bunnies. How a lot of them get stuck in shelters because parents buy them as a prop then get rid of them. 

Oh I hadn’t even realized that was a thing! How horrible!! How could you do that to a poor little fluffy bunny??????? 

Terrible as it was, though I couldn’t help but smile. Lan Zhan was too cute. So sweet and kind and gentle. I think he thought I was laughing at him again (Never, Lan Zhan. Never at you.) because he was pouting.  I traced his lower lip with my thumb. I wanted to taste that pout. I wanted to so badly. 

I leaned forward. So close. But… But that would mean swinging that pendulum. And I wasn’t ready for that yet. Not quite yet. So I turned at the last second to kiss his cheek instead. I smiled at him feeling quite warm again. 

I told him how happy I was that he was there.  He’d talked me down from the proverbial edge. 

He pushed the hair away from my face and told me he was happy I was there too. 

I buried my face in his chest and scolded him for being so sweet without warning me or some such nonsense while I waited for my face to cool. This was impeded by him kissing my forehead again. 

Lan Zhaaaaaaaaan.

Fine. Red face stays. I demanded he tell me more. I wanted to know more about him. I’d told him two things after all. It was only fair he told me another. 

And so he did.

He told me that Pixie sticks are the disgrace of candy. 

OH I almost DIED laughing at that one. 

Pixie sticks. Of all things! Pixie Sticks???? They’re just sugar!! Just colored sugar!! Pixie sticks??????????

Oh god. I don’t even know how long I laughed but my sides were aching by the time I calmed down enough to scold him for candy discriminiation. 

He just shrugged, his expression saying quite plainly that he was not at all sorry and it set me off again. 

I calmed down eventually and realized that it was my turn then. So I told him I’ve never ever, not even once, EVER won a game of rock paper scissors. 

So he held up his hands in challenge. 

He won. 

Every time

I accused him of cheating but of course he wasn’t. I’m just cursed. Cursed by the paper rock scissors gods. Cursed to fail forever more and never ever once know what it is to taste that sweet sweet victory. 

Oh well. At least I’m still boss at slap jack. 

I accused him of cheating anyway and he just kissed my cheek in response. So naturally I accused him of sabotage by way of distractions!

We kept trading secrets. He likes musicals. He’s never dyed his hair. He wishes he could have even more bunnies (Lan Zhan that’s not a secret.). He told me he’s bad at throwing stuff. To which I declared fraud. I squeezed his biceps to prove my point… or just as an excuse to feel dem muscles, and called him a liar. 

He said that he could throw things far but had NO accuracy. And then went on to prove it by throwing some paper at my garbage and missing DISMALLY. 

Oh fuck you are too cute, Lan Zhan. 

I had him try again and he was even further off target. I laughed again. Oh. I was happy for that bit. 

I told him how I wanted to kidnap that donkey from the corn maze but just don’t have the space. Shame. 

I told him that emperor’s smile was the best alcohol in the world. But how it tastes even better when I drink it with him. 

I told him many things. 

But not that I love him. Not yet. Maybe I should have. But I didn’t. 

We stayed up and talked and talked and talked until eventually we just fell asleep like that. Our words pittering out into a drowsy silence. 

Lan Zhan was there when I needed him. So I’m still here. I’m still letting people in. I’m letting people take care of me because I’m starting to understand, really truly understand that it’s not pity. It’s love. 

And so I’m okay. I’ll be okay. Thanks to him. Thanks to them. 

There’s still more to catch up on though. But that’s the big story. The rest… I’ll type it up too. Lan Zhan getting drunk and thanksgiving and everything. 

But for the moment I want to just let this sit here. 

Save the rest to be typed up tomorrow. I’ll be nervous about the trial on Tuesday anyway so it’ll be good to keep my mind focused on something else regardless. 

So this is what you get tonight. 

Thank you all for your kindness and support. It meant the world to me. Means the world. 

Thank you thank you thank you.

[jcs-writing-hell]

@polskipolikarp here’s your other request! just as a small info this won’t be an incest story. before anyone says dna tests aren’t possible - they can organ transplant, so. happy little au. boy’s not gonna go through unnecessary suffering in my household.

- kinda based on this AU, if you or anyone wants more info drop it below or in a ask/message -

MY/Qin Su | Category: Confession | Keywords: Crush, First Time, Kiss

- Meng Yao couldn’t quite understand how he had gotten himself caught up in this situation. He had rescued many in the Sunshot Campaign, yet the recognition he earned was to a large extent fake or superficial. Most kept talking about him, not only behind his back, the way they had done before as well: badly.

There was one lady however that he had saved as well.. that was off-puttingly different. Qin Su, a pretty maiden with a graceful yet child like face, character innocent yet more than anything honest, gentle and welcoming.

What was so off-putting about her, however, was that she never once failed to show how she felt towards him. In truth, it wasn’t like she ran after him, yet she appeared in his life a few too many times..

And whenever she was present she looked at him in ways Meng Yao had only seen getting directed at people like Lan Xichen, or even Nie Mingjue, Jin Zixuan.Qin Su’s eyes were full of admiration, compassion, interest - in short, she looked at him in a way that Meng Yao had always dreamed off. As if he was of importance, had worth.. but dreaming of that & it actually happening were 2 different matters..

And even though Meng Yao naturally couldn’t refrain from his heart getting pulled towards her, he could neither understand what she saw in him, nor did he feel as if he could give her all the things she deserved.It didn’t go unnoticed from others either how Qin Su & Meng Yao began to act. While she never hid the feelings that only grew stronger in her heart for him - Meng Yao soon let the distance he had created between the two of them decrease as well.

The closer they got however without taking a step too far or quick.. The louder & more cruel the voices of outsiders got that didn’t think of Meng Yao the way Qin Su did. Purposefully, whenever Qin Su wasn’t around, people began to whisper too loudly things such as..

,,Did you see them at it again? The maiden must be his sister, or immediate family, how else would she see anything in that son of a prostitute?”

Often times followed by a comment from someone else around the lines of:

,,No one but his mother would be able to love him, she definitely has to be family - Not like his own father even loves him though, so even with his family he has no luck.”

Meng Yao didn’t want to admit it, yet he had grown weak in his heart over the years. He had lost the strength to play deaf,.. And so he began to let the distance between himself and Qin Su grow again - not only because he loved her too much for her to be talked about this way, but also because he started to somewhat believe the rumours himself.

~💛~

Meng Yao had lost track of how many times he dodged and avoided Qin Su. He had shut down each of her tries to ask him what was going on as well.. However, Qin Su didn’t give up - She wouldn’t be able to forgive herself if she did so without ever getting to know why even and continue living with the uncertainty.

,,A-Yao, please.. Just tell me what I’ve done wrong.” Qin Su begged with tears in her eyes, the redness of them making it clear that she had spend a long time already crying by herself; it made Meng Yao’s heart stop beating. 

She had gotten a hold of him at night, as he was patrolling through the Qinghe Nie Sect, with no plausible reason he could give her to run off. ,,A-Su.. I appreciate your efforts,.. yet.. We should stop being involved with one another.”

 Meng Yao tried it that way, his voice trembling too much to convince Qin Su of his lack of interest in seeing her again & so forth however.

,,I have spend so long by now trying to earn a place in your heart.. I was so happy when I noticed you were finally accepting me.. How can I give up and let you go back to how you were before.. without even knowing the reason why? Do I not deserve an answer, my dear?”

All Meng Yao could do really was turn away from her, he loved her so truly and dearly.. But more than anything he questioned how she could still call him the way she had just done while he was in the process of pushing her away once again.

It took minutes before Meng Yao gave in, opening up about what was going on around them as well as inside of his mind - mostly because by then she had still not ran, how he feared and hoped at the same time.

,,The people started talking, even though they dare not to say it around you.. They say that the only way for you to love me, must be.. deep rooted affections caused by a bond deeper than love.. and instead by blood relation..”

There spread silence between them for a longer while before Qin Su spoke up in a tone full of disbelief but more than anything it was audible how hurt she was and that in turn almost crushed the last remaining bits of the facade Meng Yao managed to keep up.

,,A-Yao.. What are you even saying..? Don’t tell me you believe them? Don’t tell me you believe this nonsense more than in my heart..”

,,It’s not that I don’t believe you, A-Su.. please, trust me.. There’s nothing I want more than for that between us to be real, genuine.. Yet I can’t ignore their words, knowing how my father is..”

,,Then.. Let’s prove them wrong, A-Yao.. Let us visit my parents and ask them if anything has ever happened and no matter what they say, there must be a way for us to confirm what I know already.. I love you for you, my dear..”

Qin Su said after a while, her tone so gentle, comforting and full of understanding.. Even though he wanted to, Meng Yao couldn’t push her away as she walked around, wrapped her arms around his waist and rested her head against his chest.

~💛~

To both of their horror it turned out to be true that something had happened between Jin GuangShan & Qin Su’s mother once.. It were frightening, terrible and enraging news to hear that Meng Yao’s father had laid hands on Madam Qin once many years ago.

Regardless of that however, just to confirm, they went to the best doctor they knew of - Wen Qing, who had turned against the Wen Sect before the destruction of Lotus Pier, ultimately saving the lives of dozens with her “betrayal”.

After far too long of living with the uncertainty Wen Qing then finally confirmed what Qin Su had said all along: Meng Yao & her were not related, she was in fact the child of the man that had raised her.

Regardless, Qin Su feared for the damage having pierced too deeply through their love that never truly started.. Her head was hanging low as they left Wen Qing’s chambers, yet..

,,A-Su..?”

,,Yes..?”

The little nickname she had used for so long remained stuck in her throat, she couldn’t say it with this new uncertainty & the sadness it brought lingering.

The next thing she knew, however, was that Meng Yao picked her up by the waist, swirling her around in the air before letting her down - only to pull her so close to his chest that she could barely breathe.

,,You cannot understand how relieved I am right now..” To Meng Yao’s shock as relieved as he had sounded, so wholeheartedly, Qin Su snickered before speaking in a teasing and playful tone.

,,I think I can.. because acting like that is so not like you, my dear.~”

,,Because you are the only one around whom I am myself, A-Su.. My trust, my longing, my heart, my love, my life - it’s all for you.”

Even though their eyes initially met, neither could keep up the eye-contact as they both went a little red in the face.. How good it was that no one was around right now, or at least they thought so.

Letting out a soft sigh, Qin Su nuzzled her head against Meng Yao’s chest before asking something in a tone a little too shy for her usual self. ,,Your longing.. Your life.. But what about your dream, A-Yao? What about the LanLing Jin Sect?”

,,I can abandon this dream easily, knowing how much harm they brought over us, even more so our families.. I would rather abandon this cursed sect than risk losing everything I’ve built up for myself now,.. us, especially.”

Qin Su couldn’t help but look up at Meng Yao now, and what she saw was all she could’ve ever dreamed off: The same loving gaze she had directed at Meng Yao since the beginning. The way he gently stroked over her cheek a moment later only made this all more real - more perfect.

,,A person isn’t chained to one dream in a lifetime,.. My dream changed before I knew it.. If I want to live and be a better person, someone my mother can be proud of.. I will give it all for that, for you, for us.. And even if I have but one person in my life who knows my true worth, my true self.. I understand now that that’s enough.. May I.. May I kiss you, my dream?”

Qin Su’s expression changed from wide eyed and surprised to somewhat smug quite quick as she spoke up again in the same playfully teasing tone from before.

,,I already thought you would never ask, my dear.~”

,,Please accept my apology for making you wait, my dream.~” Meng Yao replied in a low, loving tone after letting out a soft chuckle himself.

And then finally he leaned in and their lips brushed clumsily together before meeting. The kiss wasn’t perfect, they were smiling so much it was as hard not to break it as it was to even kiss. It wasn’t perfect, there was no show behind it.. Only raw, genuine emotions being delivered and conveyed.

~💛~

Nie Mingjue would go on to tease his most trusted right hand man quite a lot for many things. 

Especially about the fact that as long as Meng Yao & Qin Su had taken to get together, as quickly did everything happen afterwards. They had already fallen pregnant while the preparations for the engagement ceremony & wedding were still going on.

Jin Zixuan even appeared in front of them once as he had finally heard of the deeds of his father, apologising for it - even if it wasn’t is fault - and honestly.. Meng Yao who had always felt jealousy towards his half brother for having the spot he could have as well.. 

Looking at Jin Zixuan all ashamed, barely able to indulge in his luck of marrying A-Li soon, Meng Yao actually felt bad for him.

How dumb was he for ever wanting to have the others spot?

-

Check out my MDZS Writing Game | Requests open anytime

[razberryyum]

The Untamed/陈情令 Rewatch, Episode 6, Part 1 of 2

(spoilers for everything MDZS/Untamed and a little for Princess Weiyoung)

[covers MDZS chapter 18 and a bit of chaps 56 and 66]

WangXian meter: 🐰🐰🐰🐰🐰🐰🐰🐰🐰🐰🐰🐰🐰🐰🐰🐰🐰🐰🐰🐰🐰🐰🐰🐰🐰🐰🐰🐰🐰🐰🐰🐰🐰🐰🐰🐰🐰🐰🐰🐰🐰🐰🐰🐰🐰🐰🐰🐰🐰🐰

(a 🐰 is earned every time there is a WangXian scene or even when they’re just thinking of each other…there’s so much Wangxian-ness in this episode, one post couldn’t contain all of it)

Team CQL went rogue for the two major events featured in this episode—the Cloud Recesses drinking incident and the WangXian bathing scene—and really, bless them and their ancestors for that decision. Not only did the changes provide Wei Ying and Lan Zhan with additional bonding time, but they actually had significant bearing on future events.

Originally in the novel, Lan Zhan didn’t actually partake in the drinking incident that got Wei Ying punished: some nameless disciples, Nie Huaisang and Jiang Cheng were the ones who actually took part in those activities. Lan Zhan only found their drunk asses the next morning and dragged Wei Ying off for disciplinary action (although, from the way the scene was described in the book, it actually seemed like he was more angry at Wei Ying for looking at porn, lol). However, for the live action, that entire scenario was transformed into Lan Zhan actually getting drunk for the first time, albeit against his will. Of course it would have been better if he willingly joined in, but at that point in time, that would have been illogical, not to mention completely out of character for him, so even though Wei Ying sort of did Lan Zhan wrong, there was probably no other way he could have gotten him to share a drink with him otherwise.

I am especially grateful for this change because that is the moment when my eyes were finally open to Wang Yibo’s talents as an actor and I started to really appreciate his performance. Prior to this episode, I was actually wondering if he was playing stoicism so well because that’s really all he was capable of doing, but then, when he dropped that rigid façade and gave us a charmingly adorable drunk Lan Zhan, I realized that everything that came before were indeed acting choices, that he was definitely able to do more than that. Not to mention, he also had pretty good comedic timing. I started to look at him in an entirely new light after watching this episode, and the rest is, as they say, history.

Upon revisiting this episode last night, I finally realized something that I never thought of before, and I feel actually pretty stupid for not even making the connection until now.  During the Koi tower scenes in the present, when Wei Ying as the paperman was eavesdropping on Jin Guangyao and his wife’s conversation, I couldn’t figure out how JGY was able to put Qin Su under his control the way he did, but in watching this episode again, it finally came to me: he probably used a modified version of the charm that Wei Ying used on Lan Zhan in here. After all, JGY was one of the many people who raided the Burial Mounds and took over the Yiling Patriarch’s possessions after his death, so it would make sense for him to discover this particular memento as well. When I first watched this episode, I was mainly just impressed by how powerful the charm is that it would be able to put someone like Lan Zhan under its spell, considering he’s not just some lay person, but rather someone who already had a pretty high level of cultivation by then. I simply saw it as yet another indicator of just how talented and powerful Wei Ying was even at that young age. But now, thinking that Team CQL may have laid the groundwork for something that was going to happen so much later just makes me so much more impressed with their planning.

Of course I could simply be overthinking this whole thing and JGY’s magical powers could just be his own magical powers, or something common to the cultivation world that my dumb brain just overlooked, but for those few seconds when I thought I came upon a fascinating connection, I was quite proud of myself, so allow me to coast on that sense of euphoria just a little while more.

Bonding and other cuteness

Of course I loved every single moment of the Drunk!Lan Zhan sequence, starting with that tiny little flirtatious gesture by Wei Ying. Seriously, how CUTE is that?? Makes me smile every time I see it, and I’ve rewound that little moment numerous times. How anyone can be resistant to Wei Wuxian’s charms I can never understand, but clearly Lan Zhan was still holding out on him. I’m glad that Team CQL chose this incident to reveal the nature of the Gusu Lan head ribbon since it directly led to Wei Ying’s bonding moment with Lan Zhan. Even though the other man was still generally cold to him, it was really sweet that Wei Ying still felt comfortable enough to share the precious memory of his parents with him.

It’s a real shame that Lan Zhan didn’t remember any of it the next day, but I did take comfort in the fact that he still knelt by Wei Ying like a united front to receive Uncle Lan’s wrath and punishment. I’m sure most of that was motivated by his own pride and sense of righteousness, but I still found it touching, especially with how much Wei Ying was defending Lan Zhan so that he would be spared the disciplinary action. Wei Ying was much less protective in the novel during that scene–he was mostly indignant–even  though he was still the one to blame for Lan Zhan’s involvement in the whole incident by basically tricking him into breaking curfew. I love that even though Team CQL changed the drinking incident, they still managed to maintain the spirit of its novel counterpart, much like they did with the Phoenix Mountain Hunt.

And then of course there was this:

Which was obviously a treat for our imaginations to get our creative juices flowing so that we can imagine on our own what might have taken place during the night that led to Wei Wuxian waking up in his half-dressed state. For this gift, I am eternally grateful to the production team.

Jiang Cheng Has Fun For Once

I was actually surprised that Jiang Cheng would join in on the drinking party because up until then he had spent most of his time basically disapproving everything Wei Ying did while also seemingly in a constant state of worry that he would embarrass their sect. Imbibing alcohol was clearly a violation of Gusu Lan rules so it’s kind of amazing that Jiang Cheng willingly join in on such an act of rebellion. Nie Huaisang, on other hand, I totally expected to be a part of the shenanigans…I would’ve expected nothing less from him…but Jiang Cheng was a pleasant surprise. I really enjoyed seeing him let loose like that, especially since we got to find out what he looked for in a mate.

The sad thing is Wen Qing actually fit all of his requirements for a wife, except for that family one, which i in the end, proved to be the most important one after all since it became the deal-breaker, dooming their relationship before it even got a chance to get started.

Another rather sad aspect of seeing Jiang Cheng so at ease and acting like a total goofball is that this really would be the only time we would ever see him this way.  His time at Cloud Recesses was probably the most enjoyable and carefree for him. I doubt he was ever able to enjoy himself the same way again. It actually makes me wonder if he EVER was able to have fun, period, during the last 16 years. Just thinking about what he’s gone through makes me wish I could give him a great big hug. 

Reason #10 for Why I love Big Bro Lan Xichen

His amused reaction to hearing about Wei Ying’s transgression:

…which was immediately followed by his “oh shit” response to hearing his little bro was also involved.

Big Bro Xichen is just too adorable, AND HE DESERVES ALL THE LOVE IN THE WORLD DAMMIT.

Uncle Lan is One Mean Mofo

Seriously, what’s with Lan Qiren’s obsession with the number 300? I really need to know if there’s some significance to that number since it’s featured in BOTH of the major disciplinary incidents in the show that were carried out by Uncle Lan.  For this first outing, those rulers looked downright brutal; it’s a utter miracle that Wei Ying and Lan Zhan were even able to survive being beat 300 times with that medieval torture device. At the very least their spines should’ve been broken, paralyzing them for the rest of their lives. In the novel they were only caned 100 times, which is still a lot but it’s still a somewhat grounded enough number that I could believe they would be able to heal from their injuries. But 300? They should be maimed. I’ve noticed that with chinese dramas though: they tend to be excessive when it comes to inflicting punishment. I actually stopped watching a show once because the main character was being beaten repeatedly in the stomach (Princess Weiyoung) while being held prisoner. That particular character should not have survived that beating…at the very least he would’ve needed his nutrients to be delivered by IV for the rest of his life (even though IVs didn’t exist yet) because there was no way his stomach was ever going to work again after that. I was almost offended by how ignorant the screenwriters were about basic anatomical and biological functions so I decided to just stop watching (well, the fact that I wasn’t that into the show anyway probably contributed to my decision as well) Of course the 300 floggings weren’t enough to discourage me from continuing forward with The Untamed, but it did throw me out of the show for a good moment because I couldn’t get over how ridiculous that number was.  Uncle Lan really has a sadistic streak in him

Not to mention, he was also surprisingly tactless. He had just learned about Wei Wuxian’s mom from big bro Xichen and I couldn’t believe that he would just throw that info at the Wei Ying in such a careless way, only to shut him down when the poor guy desperately asked for more details about his mom. Uncle Lan had to know enough about Wei Ying’s background to understand how sensitive he would be in regards to his deceased parents, so I was actually taken aback by how heartless Uncle Lan was being during that scene, so much so that for a while after, I really wasn’t feeling much love towards him. Although, now that I think about it, love is probably a misnomer any way since I doubt I would ever love Uncle Lan nor can I even say I ever actually liked him–he’s too much of a fuddy-duddy for my tastes. It’s more like I just accept his existence, appreciate his importance to the Lan brothers, and I find his disapproval of Wei Ying kind of amusing. But in that moment, I definitely did straight out dislike him for being such a cold SOB, especially towards Wei Wuxian.

To be continued in Part 2…(posted)

[leatherbookmarking]

Some thoughts and a fic idea, because of course, about one Meng Yao, relatively unrelated to my previous ones, pleasantly semi-related to the topic of my thesis (once I get into something, it becomes the very air I breathe):

A nice chunk of the motives and problems cql/mdzs talks about is how easy it is to take a person, take some events, and twist them to your own liking, and how, with enough people, it’s enough to ruin someone, point at them and say “this is the fucking satan, lock them up”. And suddenly everything they do becomes evil. They blinked? They did it evilly. Did they help someone? Must have been planned, to get their gratitude and use it in the future.

This just so happens to be the exact problem with dokufu (literally poison women, guys! so subtle), a theme of criminal biography in 19th century Japan, and specifically a certain Takahashi Oden, who, well, killed a man and was sentenced to death for it, as you do. The morning after, newspapers started releasing their own versions of her biography, each claiming theirs is the most hashtag real. The most popular of such biographies has a surprising amount of details, both in descriptions of interiors and Takahashi’s facourite pasttimes as a child; the author also notes that he is but a journalist! and never wastes a chance to bring up how much research he’s done. But at the same time, look at the explanations for the girl’s evildoing: it was because she was Oden, because she was evil by nature, because she was a daughter of a gambler.

Does it ring a bell, everyone!!

And YES I have thought about doing* this concept wrt: Wei Wuxian, how could I not, but the thing is that... he comes back, magically. He gets to fix his fucked up opinion, of course not in everyone’s eyes, because Sect Leader Yao will be Sect Leader Yao, but the people that matters know, the future generations will know, that’s all that matters.

* as if im ever going to get it done! nice laugh we’ve had

Jiggy, though -- the thing with Jiggy is that he did, actually, do the thing. (I mean in the novel, Wei Wuxian also very much did the thing, but this is a cql only city, welp) I kind of doubt anyone would want him back alive in practice. So he’s not fixing anything, because there’s nothing to fix! He is an actual villain!

But to what extent?

I’ve lost this post and I’m going back to despairing about it as soon as I finish writing this one, BUT there was a post that was like, hey, nmj, maybe don’t go accusing jiggy of sneakily breathing and FEIGNING INNOCENCE when CARRYING WATER, it was your horny ass that forgot your brain in the car, and like, nmj’s horny ass aside (for now, but never in my heart), yeah!!! Let me see it!!! Your girl Oden murdered one man, what difference does it make if we write that she helped her husband leave this world as well? She’s already evil and also dead, what is she gonna do, haunt us?

(hm.)

There was another post that showed Jiggy committed... basically every sin there was to commit, look at this efficient dude -- surely someone like this was a monster, huh? Someone who does all that isn’t a person. He did it everything on purpose, with full awareness of his own cruelty, twirling maybe not his mustache, but maybe, idk, well he DEFINITELY twirled something, he was a villain. Chuckling evilly over his tongue tea with his (villainous) bro Xue Yang.

(I am SO !!!!!!!! about this relationship that I already have an annoyingly cute backstory for them in my modern au that will most probably never see the light of day hoooooo man am I spiralling)

But like, we are not Sect Leader Yao or teenagers on twitter. (this is a fascinating combination.) We know that no one is truly evil. So give me a jgy who cared more about the rabbits in Gusu than about his shitty father, but genuinely loved Qin Su. Or, if not -- Qin Su is whatever, whoops, a sister, well, life throws you a curveball sometimes -- but Jin Rusong is something else. He’s his boy. Give me a father who’s ordered his six-years old boy to be murdered. Fuck, give me the nut who killed the man who used to be his friend, g i v e me the fucking madlad who held his brother as he was dying.

Like. At what point do you think Meng Yao sat up in the middle of the night with a thunderclap of realization that he’s gone far enough that there’s no turning back? Was there even a turning back in the first place? How many times had he thought “maybe I should have trusted someone with this”, and with what emotion?

I would like (to write, but mostly think about) a series of The True History Of Jin Guangyao, The Living Demon, each truer than the others, describing in great detail how rotten to the core my dude was, cheerfully incestuous every day on a different surface!, scaring children!, in possession of an aura that made animals distrust him and and rice grow moldy!... All the writers 100% convicted they cracked it, it being the mechanisms of Jin Guangyao’s mind, his motivations as he evilly pretended to be a poor misunderstood son of a whore so the great Nie Mingjue takes pity on him. I want all the bored disciples to like, go all out with that shit.

And I want Lan Xichen to finish his seclusion and tentatively leave his seclusion hut or whatever, only to find out, and wish to immediately go back in. Or! Lan Xichen with his own brush, catching himself almost chewing on it like a junior disciple, because the more he thinks about it, the less things he’s absolutely certain about are there. And there’s no one he can ask.

Or is there?

[drwcn]

#9 【Carbon in the Steel】

cql au: everyone is an orphan except wwx; dark!twin jades

The Brothers Lan 

There was once a little house, on the outskirts of a farming village beyond the tiered rice fields south of Meishan, far, far away from Cloud Recesses. Both Lan Xichen and Lan Wangji remembered that house. It was the house Father had built for Mother, and it was there that they were born. 

It sat at the base of a hill where many tall bamboo trees grew, and in the garden, there had been gentians, indigo and violet, that bloomed beautifully every summer. 

Lan Xichen would dream sometimes of that house and of the wonderful days in those early years. 

Father, look! 

Excellent form, A-Huan. Very good. Much improved. Now, remember to keep your balance on your front… 

These days he could no longer recall Father’s face. His voice though, Lan Xichen still remembered as clear as a bell. On the other hand, his brother Wangji did not remember much of Father at all; instead, it was Mother’s smile that he could never forget. 

Mother, can A-Zhan and I stay with you and Father tonight? 

P’ease, Mo’her. 

Lan Xichen remembered hugging his baby brother like a doll and strategically weakening his parents’ resolve using his baby pout and big puppy eyes. A-Zhan was always a trooper, so cooperative, so excellent at looking like a perfect toddler.  Stoic though. So stoic for a baby. What a weird kid. 

We had a bad dream. 

Bad dweam.  

Those were obviously lies. They never had bad dreams then; those would come much later, when their reality became worse than any nightmare they could ever imagine.

Jiujiu never needed to tell them that Mother and Father were dead, or what death was. They’d seen plenty of creatures die: the village’s cattle they butchered for the new year, the spinster's kittens that didn’t survive the winter, and the pheasants they caught and roasted for A-Zhan’s birthday. 

Father had been a lifelong vegetarian, so eating meat didn’t agree with his stomach, but he never enforced such rules on his sons. In fact Father didn’t enforce any rules on his sons, except to show kindness where they could and to be true to their hearts.  

Father probably didn’t anticipate just how difficult it was to be kind when the world had been so wholly unkind. Nor did he anticipate that he would die in such a violent and sudden manner without even so much as a goodbye.

I don’t remember what were the last words Father said to me. Wangji would confess to Xichen one day. I don’t even remember what Father looked like. 

They were by the marsh catching lobsters with jiujiu when it happened. Mother suddenly appeared and spoke words that were foreign and frightening - Gusu Lan, cultivators, siege, pursuit, escape. Go. Now. She didn’t hug them or kiss them. Lan Xichen remembered Wangji reaching up towards her to be picked up and the confusion and heartbreak in his eyes when she pushed him back into jiujiu’s waiting arms.   

A-niang...

At a certain point, jiujiu must’ve done something to them, because neither Wangji nor himself remember any part of their journey out of that village. When they woke up, they were somewhere high up and deep in the mountains. His little brother had looked at him and he had stared back and they both knew then that their parents were dead. Curled in their jiujiu’s arms, they cried themselves into another fitful sleep, and all the while, jiujiu didn’t wake up once, too exhausted by the endless days of travel. 

To them, jiujiu - like all adults - was old, but it was not until they grew up that they realized that Zhao Zhuliu at the time of their parents’ demise had been no more than twenty years old, barely more than a boy himself.  

~

Life with jiujiu was quiet, but after some time, they were able to find a sliver of happiness. 

Zhao Zhuliu was a quiet man, always had been, and that didn’t change just because he now had two young children on his hands. But he loved them, his sister’s only blood left on this earth; by god, he loved them beyond reason. 

Jiujiu was not a talker, but he was never distant, and though he was strict in his training of their cultivation and their swordsmanship, he was never harsh. So yes, life was quiet, but at least for a while there was a roof over their heads and food in their belly, and they never had to wonder where they would be tomorrow…

When jiujiu failed to return from his night-hunt, Lan Xichen knew that something had gone terribly wrong. 

Lan Xichen was the older one; he was thirteen. Practically an adult, he told himself. If jiujiu never came back, then he was just going to have to take care of Wangji. 

Whatever it takes. 

His brother was not a needy child, but when he turned eleven, he seemed to have found his appetite and ate everything Xichen could get his hands on. Fishing was the easiest and hunting a big game lasted them a while if he could preserve it just right, but even if he collected berries in the mountains and wild herbs in the forest, he still needed grains, still needed new clothes for the winter, and still needed oil to light a lamp at night so Wangji could continue to practice his calligraphy. 

He did try; you must know. Lan Xichen did try to do things the right way, but there was only so much money he could earn by book-keeping at a shop, or running errands for merchants, or even waiting tables at an inn. He was a child, and desperate, and nobody would pay him a dime if they could get away with a nickel. 

It didn’t take long for Xichen to learn that the fastest way of earning money was often the most unsavoury and that he wasn’t above reaching for those means. There were no lengths Lan Xichen wouldn’t go to keep his brother safe and happy, no asset within his arsenal of skills and attributes that he wouldn’t hone and weaponize to make himself stronger. He got good at stealing, got great at cheating, and grew accustomed  to killing. Every so often...if there were other offers available, well...Wangji would never need to know. 

Morals do not matter if Wangji went hungry. I can’t let Wangji go hungry.

And, once a year, Lan Xichen would buy a box of osmanthus pastry, like the kind Mother used to make for them - flakey and fragrant, rich but not overwhelming - and he and Wangji would sit together under the stars and finish the box all in one go. 

“Happy birthday, didi.” 

Chewing slowly on the osmanthus pastry, Wangji would smile, and it would all be worth it. 

“Thank you, xiongzhang.” 

~

Then, three years after jiujiu was taken, a startling news broke out over the lands. 

After years of internal strife, the dirty politics of Lanling Jin finally fractured the once glorious reigning sect. Jin Guangshan’s many children and their scheming “little mothers” formed factions and allied themselves with subsidiary sects all vying for control over Lanling’s seat of power. (小娘 xiao’niang = little mother, what one calls one’s mother if one’s mother is not the legal wife. The “real” mother of any children would always be the legal wife, while their birth mothers are ‘little mothers’.)

The details of Jin Guangshan’s demise was not entirely clear, but eventually it was his third son Jin Zitao who became the new Sect Master Jin. Being only eleven years old, it was clear to anyone who had eyes that he was a puppet, completely controlled by the whims of his regent mother, Jin Guangshan’s once favourite concubine, and the ancient respected Qin family who had promised their daughter Qin Su to be his bride once they both come of age. 

People had praised Qin Su’s stepmother, Sect Master Qin’s second wife, for securing such an advantageous marriage for a daughter not even of her own blood, stating that with the Dowager Madame Jin’s clever mind and Sect Master Qin’s seniority and experience, surely the murky pond of Lanling would become peaceful once again. 

The bigger question now was with three of the five major sects being led by minors - Qishan’s 14 year-old Wen Yuefan, Yunmeng’s 13 year-old Jiang Wanyin, and Lanling’s 11 year-old Jin Zitao - who then would become the next Chief Cultivator. Qinghe Nie seemed the most obvious choice at first glance, for they were the fiercest warriors, but given Sect Master Nie Heqiu’s most recent close encounter with yet another qi deviation, it seemed perhaps the real day-to-day leadership role was fulfilled by his first son Nie Mingjue. At seventeen years of age, he was certainly older than his contemporaries, but still a far cry from what was required to be His Excellency.  (温越凡 Wen Yuefan = Wen Qing’s courtesy name) 

Naturally, all eyes were drawn then towards Cloud Recesses, whose previous chance at obtaining the seat of Chief Cultivator had been dashed when its sect master at that time, Qingheng-jun, mysteriously vanished more than a decade ago. Now it seemed that Gusu Lan’s fortune was about to change yet again, when what once should have gone to Lan Cenrong now fell to his younger brother Lan Qiren. 

News of his rise to power had spread far and wide, until every man, woman, and child knew his name. Until Lan Xichen heard from a gossiping bar-keep at a tavern. Until Lan Wangji heard from the children playing on the street. 

One morning Lan Xichen returned to their temporary home to see Wangji sitting in front of the breakfast he’d prepared (when did he learn to cook???) and a purse on the table filled with silver coins and small gold nuggets.

“Wangji...where did you -” 

“I don’t want you to go out at night again, xiongzhang,” said Lan Wangji bluntly. 

Taken aback by Wangji’s tone and his implications, Xichen quickly gathered his wits and tried to maintain control of the conversation. “That doesn’t answer my question; where did you get the money?” 

“I also went out last night, after you assumed I fell asleep and left.”  

Xichen’s blood went cold. “You...went out? Out? In the middle of the night?! To do what?!” 

Lan Wangji’s stoicism did not waver. “What one usually does to get paid at night. What you’ve been doing for years.” 

In three long strides, Lan Xichen strode up to his little brother - his baby brother - and yanked him up by the collar. Grabbing his arms with both hands, he forced Wangji to look him in the eye as he exclaimed in a mad panic, “You didn’t! Tell me you didn’t!!” 

God, Wangji, what have you done, what have you done - how could I let this happen - I should’ve done better - 

Wangji did not blink, but after a long terrible silence, he said, “No. I didn’t. I just followed you. I saw.” 

“You saw…” 

There had been a man who eyed him with interest. Lan Xichen wasn’t looking for business - hadn’t been looking for months - but winter was coming and Wangji was growing so much he would need several new sets of robes. Xichen hadn’t been working as many hours as he’d been previously. He needed to train, to cultivate - they both did - so that one day they could do what needed to be done. The core melting technique was not to be trifled with lightly, jiujiu had warned them. They needed time to practice, to perfect it, time that couldn’t be used to earn income. 

While yes he could steal and yes he could kill, Lan Xichen realized early on that those two options often caught the attention of local authorities or worse the local cultivation sect, especially if his activities were too frequent or too conspicuous. Sometimes it was just easier… 

“The money, then?” 

“Don’t you recognize the purse?” 

Xichen turned around. He did. He did recognize that silk embroidered draw-string purse. It belonged to the man from last night. He had taken money out of it this morning to pay Xichen for his time.  

And when they parted ways, Xichen had gone to a public bath house to get rid of any incriminating evidence on his body before going home to his brother. That was his routine... had been his routine for years… 

“I shoved his body down a well. That should buy us enough time to get out of this town. You weren’t planning for us to stay that long anyway right?” 

“Wangji…Wangji -” Lan Xichen turned away. He couldn’t face his brother, who now knew what he knew. 

“Xiongzhang, don’t do this for me anymore.” Lan Wangji’s hand found his own, squeezing it tightly. 

“It’s - it’s really not a big deal.” Lan Xichen tried to laugh it off. “I don’t do it that often. Really - I am your older brother, it is my duty to -” 

“No. No more. From now on, if you go out, I go out. I’m old enough -” 

“You’re thirteen, a child!” 

“So were you.” 

Lan Xichen closed his eyes. 

“You don’t know what you’re talking about.” 

“I know I’m done waiting.” 

Lan Wangji was talking, of course, about their vengeance. It was what they spoke of on most nights when they couldn’t sleep. For mother and father and jiujiu, they swore they would not rest until they razed Cloud Recesses to the ground and burned the core out of every last one of their disciples before slitting their throats.  

Wangji came around to face him again and stared him down with his brows furrowed tightly above bright determined eyes. “It’s not fair. The Chief Cultivator was supposed to be Father! The heir of Gusu Lan is supposed to be you! Instead - instead...”

Tears welled up in his little brother’s eyes. “They hurt you, ge, I saw. I saw.” 

Choking with shame, anger and a pain he couldn’t describe, Lan Xichen pulled Lan Wangji into a crushing hug. “I’m sorry, I’m sorry Wangji. I’m sorry I couldn’t do better. I’m...” Words failed. As Lan Wangji cried into his chest, Lan Xichen looked up to their leaky roof and their bare, striped walls, and wondered what the ethereal Cloud Recesses would look like. All that should have been theirs, should’ve been his, belonged to someone else. 

Lan Qiren is Chief Cultivator now. He’s still holding jiujiu captive. He needs to die. The people who killed Father and Mother; they all need to die. 

“You’re right, Wangji, you’re right. No more.”

“So you won’t leave at night anymore?” 

“I won’t. The world has taken everything from us, I think it’s time we take what we are owed. Once we are strong, we will save jiujiu and avenge A-die and A-niang.” 

“And if people try to stop us?” 

“Then we will destroy them and anyone else that gets in our way.” 

[boat-full-of-lotus-pods]

MDZS Chapter 86. “Core” Part 8

You gotta bring your boyfriend to the place where you grew up

Wei WuXian, “Is there any evidence for everything you’ve said?”

After a pause, Sisi replied, “No. But if I’ve spoken even one line of falsehood, then let my body rot and be buried without a full corpse!”

Sect Leader Yao interjected immediately, “Her story is too detailed to be a lie!”

Frowning, Lan QiRen turned to the other woman, “I believe I’ve seen you before.”

The woman seemed alarmed, “P-perhaps we’ve met.”

Some people were startled by this admission, ‘Sisi is a prostitute. Is this woman a prostitute as well? How could Lan QiRen have known her?’

The woman continued, “During the LaolingQin Sect’s discussion conference, I had accompanied my madam.”

A female cultivator with sharp eyes named her, “You are……Bi Cao, Madam Qin’s handmaid Bi Cao! Is that right?”

The Madam Qin she was referring to was the wife of Qin CangYe, the mother of Jin GuangYao’s late wife Qin Su. The woman nodded, “But I am no longer with the Qin Sect.”

Sect Leader Yao exclaimed with vigor, “Do you have something to tell us as well?”

With red-rimmed eyes, Bi Cao replied, “What I’m about to tell takes place a bit earlier, around twelve to thirteen years ago.”

“I had served Madam Qin for many years and had watched Maiden A-Su grew up. Madam loved A-Su dearly and always looked out for her. But around the time of Young Madam Su’s wedding, the Madam’s mood was always down. She had nightmares almost every night, and wept a lot during the day. At the time, I’d thought it was because her daughter was getting married and that she was sad to see her leave, so I’d comfort her and tell her that Young Madam’s husband was a nice young man with a good position and a good temperament. He was an earnest, loyal man who would make the Young Madam happy. But everytime I said these things, Madam would become even sadder.”

“A few days before the wedding, Madam suddenly told me one evening that she needed to go see Young Madam Su’s future husband. And that she needed to go see him immediately, and asked me to accompany her. I said, “If you want to see him you can summon him, Madam. Why would we go to a young man’s place in secret in the middle of the night and draw suspicion on ourselves if someone hears about it?” But Madam insisted, and so in the end I went with her. Once we were there, she asked me to stay outside, didn’t let me in, so I had no idea what she and Jin GuangYao talked about. I only know that a few days later when the day of the wedding ceremony was finally decided upon, Madam fainted the moment she saw the official invitations. She continued to be miserable long after Young Madam Su’s wedding. It was a sickness of the heart that only grew worse as the days went by. Right before she passed away, she finally couldn’t keep things to herself any longer, and told me everything.”

Tears streamed down Bi Cabo’s face as she continued, “LianFang-Zun Jin GuangYao and our Maiden Su aren’t husband and wife at all. They are brother and sister……”

“What?!”

It was as if a bolt of lightning had struck over the Training Hall. Everyone was flabbergasted. Wei WuXian could see Qin Su’s pale face in his mind’s eyes. Bi Cao continued, “Fate couldn’t be crueler to my Madam…… The late Sect Leader Jin was a monster. He fancied my Madam’s beauty. One time, while he was drunk, he forced himself on her…… How could my Madam resist him? And afterwards she didn’t dare to speak of it to anyone. My Master was loyal to Jin GuangShan and held him at a high place. Madam was terrified. Jin GuangShan couldn’t remember whose daughter Young Madam Su was, but my Madam could never forget. She didn’t dare to confront Jin GuangShan directly and knew that the Young Madam truly loved Jin GuangYao. After struggling for a long time, she still decided to go find Jin GuangYao in secret before the wedding so she could tell him the truth and plead for him to think of some ways to lift the engagement and avoid this atrocity. Little had she expected, Jin GuangYao would still marry her even after knowing that she was his sister!”

What was scarier was that not only did he marry her, the two even went on to have a child!

What a colossal atrocity!

People’s comments were becoming more and more heated, “How many years had Sect Leader Qin followed after Jin GuangShan? How could he be so low as to lay hands on a loyal subordinate’s wife? Jin GuangShan is too much!”

“No secrets can stay hidden forever……”

“If Jin GuangYao wanted a solid footing in the Lanling Jin Sect, then he needed a powerful ally like Qin CangYe to be his father-in-law. How could he let this opportunity go?”

“He must be a madman amongst madmen.”

Wei WuXian turned to Lan WangJi in a low voice, “No wonder he told her, “A-Song must die” back in the secret room.”

Others inside the Training Hall had thought of A-Song as well. Sect Leader Yao said, “Judging from this, I may be so bold to guess that his son wasn’t assassinated, but killed by Jin GuangYao himself.”

“What do you mean?”

Sect Leader Yao reasoned, “Children born of incest will most likely be mentally handicapped. Jin RuSong was only a few years old when he’d died, just around the time when a child’s intelligence starts to flourish. His developmental problems wouldn’t be very obvious to anyone when he was a toddler, but as soon as he was a little older, it’d be impossible to hide them. Even if no one traced his issues to the possibility of incest, he’d still be mentally handicapped all his life. People would no doubt point their fingers at Jin GuangYao then, saying things about his upbringing…such as how only the son of a prostitute could ever father children like this or the likes……”

Many saw the logic in this reasoning, “Such a sharp mind, Sect Leader Yao!”

Sect Leader Yao continued, “Plus, the one who supposedly murdered Jin RuSong also just so happened to be the sect leader in opposition of Jin GuangYao building the lookout towers. Isn’t that too much of a coincidence?” He smirked, “Either way, there was very little reason for Jin GuangYao to keep a stunted offspring. He’d be much better off having Jin RuSong killed and framing it on an opposing sect leader. That way he could use justice and revenge as excuse to prosecute the sect that he could not tame. It’s a cruel yet very efficient method, getting rid of two birds with one stone. LianFang-Zun is a brilliant manipulator!”

Suddenly, Wei WuXian turned to Bi Cao, “During the discussion conference at Koi Tower a few days ago, you went to see Qin Su, didn’t you?”

Bi Cao was surprised. Wei WuXian, “That night, Qin Su and Jin GuangYao had an argument inside the Fragrant Palace. She said she saw someone who had told her something and given her a letter, and that the person would never lie to her. She was referring to you, wasn’t she?”

Bi Cao, “Yes.”

Wei WuXian, “You’ve held this secret for so many years, why did you suddenly decide to tell her the truth then? And why did you suddenly decide to tell everyone this now?”

Bi Cao, “Because……I needed Young Madam Su to know what kind of a person her husband really was. Originally, I didn’t intend to tell this to everyone, but after the Young Madam mysteriously took her own life at Koi Tower, I decided to reveal the truth about that monster and bring Madam Su some justice.”

Wei WuXian smiled, “So it has never occurred to you how big of a blow it would be for her to know the truth? Unless you really don’t know? It’s precisely because you had told her first that Qin Su took her own life.”

Bi Cao, “I……”

Sect Leader Yao was indignant, “I disagree. Are you saying that hiding the truth would have been the right thing to do?”

Another person immediately interjected, “You can’t blame the messenger. Aye, Madam J-……Qin Su was too delicate.”

A few older female cultivators commented, “Qin Su… What a poor woman.”

“I used to admire her. What fortune she had. Brought up well, married well. The Madam of Koi Tower with a loyal, loving husband. Aye, who knew……”

One woman sounded not at all surprised, “What’s pretty on the surface is often ugly on the inside. There’s nothing to admire.”

Wei WuXian pondered in silence, ‘Maybe this was why Qin Su had chosen to end her life. She probably didn’t want to withstand other people’s pity and gossip.’

Lowering his gaze, he saw a gold bracelet embellished in jade around Bi Cao’s wrist. It was of the utmost craftsmanship and definitely not something that a handmaid could afford to wear. Smiling, he commented, “Nice bracelet.”

Bi Cao immediately tugged her sleeve lower and lowered her head without a word.

Nie HuaiSang blurted out with confusion in his voice, “But…But what’s the real purpose behind these two coming here today? What exactly is this for?”

Sect Leader Yao, “What’s the point of pining over these details? No matter who’s sent them here, there’s one thing we know for sure: He’s a man of justice who’s definitely on our side.”

Many people agreed, “That’s right!”

Yet Wei WuXian challenged it, “The one who’d save Maiden Sisi cannot be an average man. He must have a lot of time and wealth on his hands. But a man of justice? Not necessarily.”

Lan WangJi, “Too many uncertainties.”

Had Wei WuXian been the one to have said this, everyone would probably just ignore him. But since it was Lan WangJi who had spoken, silence immediately fell upon the room. Lan QiRen asked, “Which parts?”

Wei WuXian, “Oh, many, many parts. For example, if Jin GuangYao is truly completely cruel and remorseless, then why would he kill two dozen women only to keep Sisi alive? Now that we have a witness, where’s the evidence?”

All this time, he had been challenging the norm, singing a different tone than the crowd. Some people were beginning to feel annoyed. Sect Leader Yao shouted, “Then this is exactly what they mean when they say ‘the net of Heaven’s has large meshes, but lets nothing through’[1].”

Wei WuXian smiled and had nothing left to say.

He knew no one would listen to him right now. No one would seriously consider his questions. If he kept going, the blades might turn towards him instead. Had he been a decade younger, he wouldn’t have cared what other people would say or think of him. He’d have spoken to his heart’s content even if no one wanted to listen. Now, however, Wei WuXian was no longer interested in being in the spotlight.

Thus, wave after waves of heated discussion started inside the hall:

“How could he be so ungrateful[2]?! What a madman[3]!”

For a decade, in the public’s discussions, “ungrateful” and “madman” were two words that had become nearly interchangeable with Wei WuXian’s name. And so for a split moment, he’d thought that the crowd was cursing his name again before realizing that they weren’t directed at him. Same crowd. Same words. Yet the one being cursed had changed. It would take some time for him to get used to it.

Immediately, another voice spoke up, “The connection he had with ChiFeng-Zun and ZeWu-Jun was the only reason why Jin GuangYao even managed to climb to where he is now. Otherwise how could the son of a prostitute ever land himself in such a high position? To think that he would stab ChiFeng-Zun in the back! ZeWu-Jun is still with him right now. I can only pray that nothing bad has happened to him yet!”

Originally, none of them had believed that the death of Nie MingJue, the mutilation of his corpse, and the fierce corpses that tried to lay siege on them on Burial Mound had anything to do with Jin GuangYao. Now, however, they all decided to change their minds.

“Not only his sworn brother, even blood brothers couldn’t escape his betrayal. In the years following Jin GuangShan’s death, he took no delays in getting rid of his father’s other bastards, worried that someone would come take his birthright from him. Mo XuanYu was one of the luckier ones. Had he not been driven out for his madness, he might have disappeared like all his other brothers, who all went missing for various reasons.”

“He probably played a hand in the death of Jin ZiXuan as well!”

“Anyone still remember Xiao XingChen from years ago? Xiao XingChen of ‘the bright moon and the gentle breeze’? And the case of the Yueyang Chang Clan. LianFang-Zun even greatly exerted his influence just to protect the man who was involved in that case, Xue Yang.”

“Didn’t a lot of sect wanted to take Xiao XingChen in as a guest cultivator when he first came down the mountain? The Lanling Jin Sect had filed an invitation too but was rejected. At the time, the Jin Sect had been really full of themselves. To be rejected by some small cultivator must have been terribly embarrassing for them. Later, when they protected Xue Yang, it must have been about this earlier grudge. Either way, they probably didn’t want things to end well for Xiao XingChen.”

“Tsk, who did they think they are?! To destroy someone just because they rejected their invitation?”

“Aye, it’s too bad. I was fortunate enough to have witnessed the splendor of Daozhang Xiao XingChen’s night hunt for myself once. His Shaunghua was a sight to behold.”

“Jin GuangYao eventually took care of Xue Yang as well, like mad dogs turning on one another.”

“I heard that back when Jin GuangYao was undercover in the Qishan Wen Sect years ago, he wasn’t loyal to the cause at all. What he’d really had in mind was this: If the Sunshot Campaign were to fail, then he’d continue following the Wen Sect and smooch up to Wen Ruohan. And if the Wen Sect were to fall, then he’d stab them in the back and make a hero of himself.”

“Wen RuoHan must be turning in his grave right now. He’d trusted him like a family and invested in him greatly. Even the sword technique that Jin GuangYao uses today was mostly taught to him by Wen RuoHan himself!”

“That’s nothing. I heard that the reason behind ChiFeng-Zun’s failed ambush at the time was because Jin GuangYao’s had given him false information!”

“Let me share a secret as well then. The money and resources needed to build those lookout towers of his were all gathered from other sects, right? Each sec would receive the portions they’ve contributed, but I’ve heard that he’d actually retain for himself…… this much.”

“Oh Heavens…… that much? How shameless! And here I thought he was honestly trying to do things with them. We’ve been feeding our devotions to the dogs!”

Wei WuXian found this all to be quite amusing. He mused in his heart, ‘If you know it’s only rumors, then why believe it without question? If it’s really a secret, then how did you come to know about it?’

None of these rumors were fresh or new. While the tides had favoured Jin GuangYao, they were effectively contained, and no one really believed them to be true. Yet, in the span of one night, it was as if all the rumors had suddenly become solid evidence, and one by one they became the cornerstone foundation to Jin GuangYao’s tower of sins; proof of his madness.

“So it appears that not only has he murdered his father, his brother, his wife, his son, his master, his friend… But he also committed incest. What a scary man!”

“The Lanling Jin Sect is unapologetically tyrannical, and Jin GuangYao never liked to listen to anyone else. The Jin Sect had always been full of themselves, and under Jin GuangYao’s influence, they’ve been stomping all over us and doing whatever they want. Did he really think we’d keep tolerating him and allow such evil to persist?!”

“He must be growing wary of how far and wide the other sect’s influences have been spreading. Afraid of being overthrown just like the QiShan Wen Sect. So he decided to go all out without worrying of consequences, getting rid of us once and for all.”

Sect Leader Yao smirked, “If that’s what it is, then so be it. We’ll turn his worst fear into reality.” He slammed the table hard, “We’ll lay siege on Koi Tower!”

Cheers of agreement erupted all around them. Wei WuXian thought to himself, ‘Just yesterday, this “scary man” was still the respectable LianFang-Zun. Within a day, they’d already started screaming for his blood.’

Suddenly, someone turned to him, “Mister Wei, Jin GuangYao has the Tiger Seal in his hands. We’d have to rely on you for that.”

Wei WuXian, “Ah?”

Never had he expected anyone to voluntarily talk to him, not to mention with so much passion and respect, and even addressing him as “Mister” and not “thief” or “dog” or some other similar derogatories. Wei WuXian paused slightly. Immediately, another sect leader turned to him as well, “That’s right! No one’s a greater expert than the Yiling Patriarch in this matter!”

“Now, Jin GuangYao’s hit something larger than he can handle, hahahaha…”

Wei WuXian was momentarily speechless. The last time anyone had praised and schmoozed to him like this had been back during the Sunshot Campaign over a decade ago. Although someone else had finally replaced him on this throne reserved for the cultivation world’s public enemy, nothing about this felt sweet or rewarding. Neither was there the feeling of gratitude for finally being accepted by the rest of the world. The only thing he felt was suspicion, ‘Is this also what happened then? A bunch of people gathering at some random place, spontaneously had some secret discussion, spat curses all over the sky the whole night, and then just all decided to go lay siege at Burial Mound?’

The discussion ended just as preparations for the YumengJiang Sect’s banquet hall were complete. But when the banquet commenced, two figures had disappeared from the crowd. A Sect Leader wondered, “How come we are missing Wei-……the Yiling Patriarch and HanGuang-Jun?”

Sitting in the head seat, Jiang Cheng asked the guest cultivator beside him, “Where are they?”

The guest cultivator replied, “After leaving the inner hall, they went to get a change of clothes. They said they won’t be joining us for the banquet, and would be taking a walk instead. They also said they’ll be back later.”

Jiang Cheng smirked, “Rude as always.”

His words seemed to imply that Lan WangJi was impolite as well, and it made Lan QiRen displeased. If Lan WangJi could be considered rude, then there would be no such thing as politeness in this world. The thought made Lan QiRen clench his jaw at Wei WuXian again. Meanwhile, Jiang Cheng had adjusted his expression back to normal and politely announced, “Please, let us eat. I will invite the two of them back later.”

Beyond the front gate of Lotus Pier, Lan WangJi wordlessly let Wei WuXian guide them near the docks, strolling leisurely and aimlessly.

There were a couple of food vendors by the docks. Walking up to them, Wei WuXian smiled and said, “Skipping the banquet was a great decision. Lan Zhan, come here, come here, this pancake is delicious. I’ll treat you! Excuse me, I’ll take two of these.”

Smiling, the vendor wrapped up two pancakes in oil paper[4]. Just as Wei WuXian was about to receive them, he suddenly remembered that he was penniless. How could this be his treat? Meanwhile, Lan WangJi had already received the food for them with one hand, and paid with the other. Wei WuXian, “Ayah, I’m so sorry, why is it always like this? It seems that every time I plan to treat you to food, I end up treating you nothing.”

Lan WangJi, “It’s fine.”

Wei WuXian lowered his head for a bite, “Back in the days, I never had to pay for street food. I just grabbed what I wanted, whenever I wanted. I’d eat as I walked or just grab one and run. At the end of every month, the street vendors would go directly to Uncle Jiang with the bills.”

Lan WangJi left a delicate, crescent-shaped mark on the otherwise very round pancake in his hand, “You still don’t have to pay.”

Wei WuXian, “Hahahahahahahahahahahaha!”

Wei WuXian finished his pancake in just a few bites. Bunching up the oil paper into a ball, he played with it in his hands. Eyes darting about, he said, “There aren’t a lot of other vendors left. Back in the days, these docks were always filled with street vendors no matter how late it was, selling all kinds of food. A lot of people from Lotus Pier used to have very late suppers. There’d be quite a few boats around too, not any less than the Textile Town near your sect.”

He continued, “There’s a lot less now. Lan Zhan, you’re here too late. You didn’t get to see when this place was at its best and most interesting.”

Lan WangJi, “Not too late.”

Wei WuXian smiled, “Back when I was studying at the Cloud Recesses, I’d told you so many times that I’d take you to Yunmeng to play. You’d always ignore me. I should have been more bold and daring and just dragged you over. Why are you eating so slow? You don’t like it?”

Lan WangJi, “Eat silently.”

Lan WangJi was always a careful and meticulous eater. He always chewed before he swallowed. If he were to speak, he’d always make sure that there was no food in his mouth. Wei WuXian said, “Alright, then I will stop talking to you while you eat. I thought you didn’t like it. And I was even going to offer finishing the rest for you.”

Lan WangJi turned to the vendor owner, “Another one, please.”

By the time Wei WuXian was done finishing his third, Lan WangJi was still slowly working through his first, and they had already strolled very far away from the docks of Lotus Pier. Still leading the way, Wei WuXian pointed left and right for Lan WangJi to look at as they wandered about the streets.

He very much wanted to show Lan WangJi all the places he’d been to while growing up —where he’d played at, fought at, rolled at— and tell him about all the funny, terrible, mischievous things he’d done —the people he’d fought, the things he’d nabbed, the pheasants he’d chased. He would then watch for the slightest variation of expression on Lan WangJi’s face, anticipating his every reaction.

Wei WuXian, “Lan Zhan! Look at me, look at this tree.”

Finally finishing his pancake, Lan WangJi folded the oil paper into a neat little square and held it in his hand as he looked towards where Wei WuXian was pointing. It was just an average tree, straight, lush, and looked to be around more than a decade old. Wei WuXian walked up to the tree, circled around it twice, then slapped its trunk, “I’ve climbed this tree before.”

Lan WangJi, “You have climbed most trees we’ve seen on the way over.”

Wei WuXian, “This one is special! This is the first tree I’ve climbed when I first came to Lotus Pier. I climbed it in the middle of the night. My shijie came to find me with a lantern, and tried to catch me from below in case I fell. But how could she catch me with those thin arms of hers? So I still ended up breaking my leg.”

Staring at his leg, Lan WangJi asked him, “Why were you climbing a tree in the middle of the night?”

Bending at the waist, Wei WuXian smiled, “No particular reason. You know me, I love to fool around outside late at night. Haha.”

-

Footnotes:

[1]: ‘The net of Heaven has large meshes, but lets nothing through’: a Chinese proverb that essentially means that all evil will be prosecuted and punished eventually, even though the net of Heaven (aka justice) isn’t always thorough and meticulous all the way.

[2]: “Ungrateful”: Ungrateful doesn’t actually fully convey the gravity of the term “忘恩负义” used in the novel. Essentially it’s used to describe a lack of integrity, of turning against those who did you favours in the past. A bit similar to the English term “bite the hand that feeds you”.

[3]: “Madman”: The original term used in the novel by people to describe Jin GuangYao is actually “丧心病狂”, which implies both a lack of sanity and morals.

[4]: Oil paper: Kind of like wax paper but with oil applied to paper for water-resistance instead of wax.

Lastly:

A special note of thank you to my betas @clockworkspider and anon gremlin for this chapter. Thank you guys. SO much.