#but lately ive been going CRAZY for jay

[jayparked]

𝒷𝒶𝒷𝓎 𝒾'𝓂 𝒶 𝒻𝑜𝑜𝓁 𝒻𝑜𝓇 𝓎𝑜𝓊 song: cherry hill - russ ღ masterlist

[haerni]

OH MY GOD, “who is he? ”

summary: feels like you’re fallin’ deeper & maybe you’re going crazy, right? does he want you or not? he’s so confusing!

ft. park sunghoon (based on ‘OMG’ by newjeans!)

content: fem! reader, tooth-rotting fluff, a lil bit of hurt comfort, sunghoon is that confusing guy, mutual pining, reader is a bit embarrassing i think? sunoo your support system! 1.8k words

— very very minimal proofread and editing bc ive only done this in one sitting (help me).

( 🍃 ) notes: this took me so long omfgsbks but here we are with my very first content on this blog, please be nice TT sunghoon might be ooc saur.. theres that! can u tell i love sunoo, i have to sneak him in. maybe the story will jump for awhile so sorry for that also.

you've probably liked PARK SUNGHOON for almost half of your life.

ever since he sat with you at the swing from the park you used to go to when you were kids and offering his own comfort when you were crying on that day, to this day forward when he offers his shoulder for you to cry on.

he never questions the reasons behind your cries, he never pushes and all he does is sit there and offer you whispers of solace that you take to heart.

because your best friend wouldn't want the worst for you.

because all he does is care for you.

and maybe—just maybe—you hate him a little for it, for doing things that make your heart flutter, for simply just touching your hair and pulling you closer hoping that it will quell the sadness that consumes you. or when he would walk with you home after his practice despite being tired and run down to the bones, he would never miss a day. or when he would call you such sweet things like you are together when you aren't.

or when one time he heard through jay how someone was making passes on you and disgusting comments about you, he comes home with a bruised lip and wounded knuckles. he refused to let you see him, not until you forced your way to his room with the first aid kit his mother let you borrow, because he also wouldn't let her treat him.

or when you can't even pretend to be okay in the sea of bodies in a party and he notices right away. he drags you by your hand and drags you out of the party without a care for anyone. he only tells you that he hates the party and would rather eat out in a convenience store nearby.

he holds your hand tightly, you knew that night you loved park sunghoon more than you could ever imagine.

a decade into your friendship, you fell in love with your best friend, park sunghoon.

you did your best to hide it, to keep these emotions at bay and lock away into the very bottom of your heart. you swallow the bubbling feeling in your throat whenever he's close. you did your very best to preserve the relationship the both of you built together. even if all you wanted was just ruin it and become something more.

loving park sunghoon was easy, it was easy as the breeze that touched your hair, it was easy as falling into a routine of living and looking forward to days when he's with you. the prospect of loving sunghoon comes naturally and you don't know how to stop it. it just grows more everyday and suddenly you find yourself in garden of flowers blossoming in your heart, so much that's its starting to flow out little by little and you're slipping, you're heart is becoming unguarded, the walls you've spent all your life building is chipping away slowly.

it's becoming suffocating, it's hard to breathe around him.

the passing touches, the stolen glances and brief silence has been occurring more and more.

it's only a matter of time, before someone catches on. unfortunately, that time is right now.

"what's with you and sunghoon, lately?" your friend, sunoo asks, "did you guys have a fight?"

a second passes before you answer him, "we did not. why do you ask?"

sunoo sits closer to you and puts his face on his palm, "you have been avoiding him."

you stopped, "no, i'm not."

"it's lunch and you're sitting here with me in the library, working on an assignment that's not due until next week, when you usually never miss eating when he comes by our room to eat with you." he pointed out.

too specific. were you that predictable? and when you don't answer sunoo realizes something. when his eyes widen too much for your comfort that's when you interject from whatever train of thought he had.

"or maybe—"

"i don't know what you are talking about, sunoo."

"you're avoiding him.."

"i already told you, i'm not—!"

"sure, keep telling yourself that." sunoo snorts at that, "i know you like him and not how a best friend should."

you can't breathe again, you were absolutely done for. because sunoo was right, he got the answer right and you couldn't find it in yourself to quip back at him. you can't find it in yourself to deny and brush it off, because it's simply not real, it's not what your heart is telling you. maybe, that was your last straw.

maybe that was all it needed for you to let out your heart just for once and face the reality.

you don't want sunghoon as a best friend.

the realization hits harder when someone utters it out, because you have lived all your life hiding and suddenly, it pours out like rain after a long unending drought.

now here you are. in the porch of your house under the moonlight with you encased in sunghoon's arms, because you were stupid enough to go out and try to forget about him, to go see other people and hope that you can lose all these feelings you have for him. it didn't, maybe it never will. a boy, somehow he's the same height and stature as sunghoon it was enough for you to agree for a dinner out.

it was stupid to begin with. you didn't even know this guy's name (you can't even bother to remember). because while you sat there and tried to engage with him, your mind drifted far on how he does not have the same moles as sunghoon, he does not make you laugh like sunghoon does, maybe he would've took you out to that ramen place you always go to after a long day instead of this fancy restaurant that you don't even know. quite sure enough that guy only talked about himself, you didn't listen.

"so are we going?" he gives you an all-knowing smile and as you try to turn him down a voice comes in.

"she's not going with you." you look behind, and there he stands one hand in his pocket wearing a white button-up shirt that you haven't seen before, a cold gaze accompanying it and his hair done all too perfectly—like he was on a date.

"hey! who do you think you are?" sunghoon ignores him as he offers his hand to you. tilting his head in question. you did not hesitate to grab it. it's almost a curse for him to know when you need him the most.

you can feel the heat rising up in your body as he intertwines both of your hands and gives it a squeeze.

he brings you home, like how he promised your dad when you were sixteen.

you bite your lips in hopes of suppressing all the emotions running down on you. but you can't really do that in front of sunghoon, can you?

you broke down.

and sunghoon was there—it was enough. it was enough for everything to pour out.

"i'm tired, hoon." his arms tighten around you, burying his face to your hair, almost as if he's kissing it in comfort.

you're tired? is it because of that guy? should he beat him up? you wouldn't like it anyway, so he erase the thought. park sunghoon has never hated anyone more than that jerk right now. he curses that stupid guy who made you like this.

"i hate you park sunghoon."

"you don't mean that."

you don't.

"i really really hate you." you were probably the worst to utter such words to him. to your best friend, to sunghoon out of all people. but you can't stop. "you're so stupid, stupid."

it takes him back, he didn't expect for you to be mad at him. he's silent for a moment as he continues to hold you like you're going to disappear.

"how am i stupid, baby?" there he goes again with those stupid nicknames.

you refuse to look at him, burying your face to his nape. and when you don't answer he talks for you.

"do you hate me that much for you not to look at me?" you really hate park sunghoon.

he sighs at the lack of your response. he shakes his head before he turns his face closer to your ear, "what am i gonna do, baby? you hate me, but i like you so much."

what? what the fuck?

that makes you widen your eyes processing what he just said as you sit up straight and facing him. and it makes him laugh a little, he probably shouldn't, but he couldn't help it. not when you're this adorably looking at him like you can't believe it.

"don't joke about things like that park sunghoon!"

wow, using his government name? "you don't believe me?" you don't answer. "why do you think i came to that awful restaurant wearing this shirt?" you knew it was new, you've never seen him wear it.

"because you want to fit it?" you answer.

"that too," he laughs, "and because you didn't eat lunch with me, you didn't walk home with me. i heard from sunoo, that you were out with someone and you didn't dress up because of me. you were on a date and it wasn't me. you were avoiding me, baby."

he looks at you and it hurts because both of you are a fucking idiot. all this time, sunghoon liked you.

park sunghoon likes you.

"how long?" and you can't help it, you have to know.

he thinks for a second, "hm.. since when you were on that swing? i thought you were pretty." he smiles so easily.

oh my god.

you buried your face once more, not really knowing what to do, because for the longest time you thought you were the only one feeling this way.

but sunghoon understands, he continues to talk, "jay thinks i'm obsessed with you. he's not wrong, you know? you don't have to say anything right now, i know you're having a har—"

you kissed him. park sunghoon is really an idiot. how can you not like him? how can anyone not even like him? he's so stupid. sunghoon's eyes widen a bit, but melts into your touch as quickly.

god, was this really happening? please don't ever wake him up if this is a dream.

you pulled away for a breather and he reached for another one causing you to block his lips with your hand.

feeling the blood in your cheeks, flustered as sunghoon kisses your palm instead. his hand coming up to yours to remove it.

"can i kiss you again?" you were going to die, "please?" you're sure of it.

"no!"

sunghoon laughs at that. you can't feel it, but his cheeks are really hurting now from smiling. maybe one day you'll let him kiss you more, but for now this is enough.

he has loved you almost all of his life.

𖹭 likes and reblogs are highly appreciated! i hope he is not too out of character :')

[aperiodtm]

Familiar pt.2 | Sim Jake

PAIRING: (ex)online bestfriend!Jake x (ex)online bestfriend!fem!reader

SUMMARY: Jake has a plan (appearance of jay) (and an unnamed friend for now (?) im horrible at names.)

GENRE: bitter angst, lil crying

WC: 585 (well this was..shitting short.)

A/N: also based on real-life experience.. :)

im thinking of making this a mini-series?..

->->->->->->->->->->->->->->->->->->->->->->->->->->->->->->->->->->->->->->->

okay, Jake couldn't do this anymore. in his defense, he was attached. too attached, even after 6 months.

29 January, your birthday. a day Jake was always looking forward to, just so he could wish you a happy birthday first, which he, much proudly, was successful in for 4 straight years.

well, once some other guy in your school wished you earlier than him. stupid douchebag, he thought.

but that didn't matter when you said his wish meant more and was always first in your heart.

and god was Jake in another spiral, staring at the his endless messages with 'Instagram User' on New Year's Eve.

''what a great year it's going to be.'', he grumbled.

unwillingly while reading those texts, a droplet fell on the very desk he was at. then another. and it kept going, till he had to set that damn phone aside and pour it out.

Jake couldn't do it anymore, he missed you. you were his bestfriend. the one he could talk to for hours, to rely on and vent to when he had a fight with his friends, the one who had such horrible memory that you had to save little things you knew about Jake in a separate note on your phone. Jake found it cute though.

he had felt care, but this was attachment.

this was such a strong attachment, something he cried over so much he felt his heart clench. when he went out after the day you blocked him, he feet the agony when he saw anything that reminded him of you. he was so proud of your friendship he'd show it off to anyone.

and now, after that day, he couldn't focus on anyone but you. that day, did he really see you again?

after being done with all the emotion, he picked up his phone again, and wiped the tears away.

wait, he thought.

he quickly shuffled around his phone, through the same messages, till he got to it. one very specific message.

~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-

| @(username)

| is this ur friend? i noticed yall matching pfps and followed-

| WHAT THE FUCK JAKE THATS MY BEST FRIEND HOWD U FIND HER?

| ok ykw nvm since u already followed let it be js dont talk to her she doesnt know i got online friends

| and DONT unfollow. she'll get suspicious and bombard me with tons of questions if she sees both of us know each other.

~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-~-

Jake never really understood why you kept your online social life a secret so badly. but he never questioned it further.

until now.

he clicked on your friend's profile. and just stared at the screen. should he do it? but you warned him not to. but he wants to know- no, he needs to know how you're doing. this could be his chance-

''hey, you okay?'' it was Jay.

''y-yeah i..just been thinking..'' Jake sighs and puts his phone away. fuck it, just let it be. maybe he's going crazy, he definitely does not want to mess himself up further.

''tell me about it.'' Jay pauses, sitting next to him. ''is it about her again?''

Jay knew well, as his roommate, about what Jake has been through and how he remembers you time to time.

''well....yeah. Y/N.'' Jake sighs. maybe Jay can give him proper advice? since he's clearly (well, in this aspect) more sane and less impulsive than him. so, turning around in his chair, he faces his older properly.

''okay, so..''

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to be continued!

ive been getting some ideas lately for series ^^ but ofc theyre gonna take long ahaha </3

[b1mbodoll]

NONCON OMORASHI W PUPPY!JAKE BABY PLEASE YOU ARE INSANE 😵‍💫😵‍💫 need him to fill me up soso badly

(ive been reading all of your little hybrid thoughts lately and omg let me kiss you bubi im in love w you n your pretty brain especially when you mentioned the barbed dick i- 🫠🫠)

<🫧3

hehehe :D m crazy im fucking crazy!!!!! ur so real for this though 😞 puppy jake can do whatever he wants to me idgaf!!!!!!

i’m glad you’ve been enjoyin my hybrid posts 💞💞 they have been plaguing my little brain for too long!!!!! go ahead n kiss me i <3 smooches 🥰 n omg . barbed cock jay… i have so many thoughts abt noncon with him, i wish everything i wanted to write just wrote itself for me 😞 why must i put forth the energy n work to make it all make sense 😞

[axolozzy]

senior prank went crazy tonight (aka me using tumblr as my diary again)

we went on the roof of the school earlier and nearly had the cops called on us it was so fun guys. we were not allowed to be up there!!! like almost the whole senior class was on the roof toilet papering everything and there were no actual teachers or adults (besides us ig because like were 18) besides the janitors who unlocked the classrooms and let us wreak havoc. our school is actual chaos inside and out like there’s piles of chairs and piles of tables in every hallway and it’s INSANE. genuinely actually insane like there’s toilet paper and seran wrap everywhere guys. our class trip is supposed to be on friday to valley fair but im not sure that’s gonna happen LOLLLL like we’ll definitely be spending our entire last day of school tomorrow cleaning everything up but it was worth it guys it was so fun. wooow. wow. none of my friends were there so i was kinda just silently following everyone around and helping out and it was fun it was silly. i dont think anyone expected me to be there either cuz im literally the most quiet anti social person at our school like im involved in nothing and i dont have much friends and people always say like they never hear me talk because im literally the quiet kid. nobody has ever even talked shit about me because there’s nothing TO SAY, like, i’m a complete nobody in the best or neutral way possible? like everyone has always accepted the fact im so weird and don’t like talking to people and they let me be but they also include me in things and are so nice and like. it’s just cool i guess. i’ve never been bullied but ive also never really been paid attention to either, everyone just lets me exist in their space because that’s what ive always done. anyway tonight was awesome like woooow wow. half my grade are conservative rednecks but i was surprised that literally everyone was calling me jay tonight despite me literally not talking to these people or being in the same classes or whatever. like that’s cool as shit. man tomorrows my last day of school ever. we all grew up together literally like. like we all know eachother despite literally being completely different from one another. like there’s 30-40 of us seniors, which is apparently not a lot compared to other schools and ours is pretty small i guess? like yeah. yeah i know all of these people but they don’t know me, none of them ever really knew me because i just never talked. i never did anything really. and now it’ll all be over and i’ll be on my own. like i don’t really LIKE any of these people, a lot of them are huge assholes and shit, but ive known them my whole life and its just strange. like were all growing up, were all ALREADY grown up i guess. i’ve always been terrified of growing up and i still am but fuck that lets get back to business!!!! the teacher’s lounge was literally unlocked and we went in their and stacked all the chairs into a pile and then took a taxidermied animal from the librarby and put it on top of the fridge

i have more pictures but like they’re filled with people and i don’t wanna spend time editing them because it is late and i wanna actually wake up early tomorrow to see everyone’s reactions to this shit. also it’s my last day. wow… i was supposed to present a spanish project in class tomorrow but i don’t know if ill be able to hahhahaha because they’ll probably make us clean everything up which is good actually i half assed that entire project and didn’t wanna present it. i hope ill get to finish painting my louie clay sculpture tomorrow though. anyway i don’t really know why im posting this but i hope its entertaining i guess. im gonna be graduating high school… wowwww that’s insane that actually insane im not ready. time is going way too fast guys. i can’t even like explain it but wooow. wow. just realized i have like 300 followers here who might read this which is pretty awkward cuz uhhh i always forget that the stuff i post can be seen by people who aren’t just my closest mutuals soooo whatever that cool. uhh i should probably go to bed. can’t believe tomorrows my last day that doesn’t feel real at all aaaaahhhhhhhh goodnight tumblr!!!!!! im gonna wear my spongebob pajama pants to school tomorrow and im very excited about that

wait also i wanted to say we got permission to pull a senior prank from the principal himself, who i call the Skoogily Boogily, who we are all terrified of when we hear his keys jiggling in the hallways anyway we got permission so it’s fine

[jayflrt]

lol about your post on fate+… i agree!!! long ass rant incoming 😭

first of all, the tour is very rushed. yes ik the boys have been hinting at it since their LA show back in october but announcing the tour the day after the last show of the regular fate tour and giving engenes only a week for ticketing is wild. but kpop companies have caught on that many fans will spend $$$ to see their idols and will gather up money somehow even with a few days notice. it’s so ughhh because it brings me to my next point.

the ticket pricing 🙄🙄 wdym nyc show VIP1 was $700+ with fees. and no benefits with the VIP package were announced so nobody including the arena staff know if send off is included. (i hope it isn’t cause goddamn after that first LA show it was a mess) ive never gotten VIP/GA tickets for any concert ever because i only started working a year and a half ago and just personally don’t think it’s worth it for me considering i make minimum wage at the moment. but i spent $150 without fees fate in newark for a pretty good seat at prudential. however for UBS ticketing today, seats just as good were $250-$300. like i get it’s a diff arena so diff pricing but DAMN? luckily i was able to snag $150 tickets towards the back of the 100s section but damn why is there a $100 upcharge for sitting like a few rows in front…bffr hybe. i went to see txt at UBS last year and the seats in the same area i sat in for that concert were $300+ today 😭😭😭 concerts in general are getting more and more expensive and it sucksss!!! but like i said, kpop companies know kpop stans will buy no matter the price so they unashamedly increase prices with each subsequent tour. that’s def why some groups are touring 24/7…and enha is def gonna become that group for hybe considering their international success is crazy. i have a feeling they plan to push txt more in korea and enha more internationally so enha is gonna keep on touring and touring.

i personally believe that even $200 w/ fees is kinda pushing it for a concert even it means a good view! but you can’t get good concert tickets for cheaper with any artist (why are drake tickets like $300 for nosebleeds)

my third point is rest 😭 for the sake of the boys health, the tour should be starting in late summer/early fall and with dates more spaced out. there was so much discourse on twitter about whether the tour should be boycotted or not. i felt really guilty even considering buying tickets cause of it. imo i believe that a boycott would only hurt the boys more. it’s ok to want to go see them. HOWEVER, belift/hybe should be giving the boys some time to rest because jfc they’re also comparing for a comeback. i hope the boys get AT LEAST a week without intense practices and constant filming. a month long rest is ideal but it’s not realistic knowing their management. i really really hope all goes well this tour and the boys stay healthy. jay my pookie wookie also seemed so excited to go to tacoma, even if it’s for a day so i hope he can visit his old hometown 😫😫

and with the large influx of y/n interaction loving engenes (ik i can’t talk because im sending this to a fic blog on tumblr.com) i hope the boys don’t have to deal with the same type of bullshit they did during this last tour. it’s inevitable tho, so many people are getting into enha because they do a lot of fanservice these days. i really want to know if they flirt 24/7 on weverse because it’s entertaining to watch the aftermath or because their management really wants to push the parasocial thing with them. makes sense if it’s the management tho considering send off was very interactive (a lot of the tiktoks of it went virallll) + the boys are constantly on vlive and making flirty comments these days (sunghoon when i catch u)

right??? i loveddd the fate tour and there was plenty of time between the announcement and the actual purchasing of tickets, if i remember correctly. but today was just a mess!!! :/ how have they not realized that some engenes need more than a week to prepare and come up with the money to attend, like i had friends selling photocard collections just to buy tickets 😭 but yeah ultimately just had to dish out money from their own pockets

i believe they all have send off now (i was buying vip1 tickets for my friends and it said so on the package) but i was shocked that they even had send off still after how bad it was last time 😭😭 (to be fair i think send off was rlly nice in la tho so fingers crossed they find a big space again to hold it in) but god it makes me so sad to hear that they're just running enha dry with tour after tour 😭 and right!!! there was literally a $200+ service fee?? that's literally the price of another ticket like wtf

honestly i don't think a boycott would help. i think it could if everyone committed to it, but the moment people mentioned it i knew it wasn't happening because people aren't actually willing to give up on seeing enha. realistically there's not even much of a point to the tour considering they have like 4 new songs?? svt hasn't toured in the us since be the sun and they're gonna have two albums of songs for their next tour now. i just wish belift would let enha space out their tours like that 💔 but!! i will say i am glad that jay gets to tour in his hometown in all this

LOL it is ironic to say that to a reader insert writer but it is more of a nameless oc insert for me!!! 🥲 but i totally get what you mean, there's so many engenes who only care about interactions and "y/n moments" like this girl literally shoved me during the fate tour when they came down the aisles??? 💀 like girl chill u can have heeseung omg 🚶‍♂️ no i'm not gonna lie i think the y/n stans on twitter have fallen victim to the parasocial relationship HARD and it feels like it all started because of the fate tour too 😭 it also doesn't help that belift pushes them to fit this perfect boyfriend image with the whole "dating my fans" kind of thing. i was sooo done with them after everyone started posting their selca days for jungwon's birthday like jfc 😭😭

[silvermistcosmos]

HELP you’re just like me😭 i had a job interview too like a month ago ??? and i was happy i didn’t get hired because i’d have hated it there sm</3 but manifesting for you bff!! you got this and i hope you do get hired in that place you want🫂

omg home schooled?:0 have you been home schooled all your life?? (it’s okay if you don’t want to answer this question) but yay! hope you still have fun in your last year of hs💙

ohhh god i do stan a lot of groups JHSKSOS 😭 most of them are 3rd gen groups, and i’ve been lately getting into new jeans too hekwjs, but my absolute favorites are nct and enha! my bias for nct is jeno, sungchan and yuta^^ and for enha it’s mainly heejay lol. i also like khh and kr&b a lot, so i like heize, gemini, dpr, sunmi etc etc.

what about you bub?? i see you have a hoon pic so i’m assuming he’s your enha bias??

— 🐰

ahhhh okay wow, why do we do this to ourselves hahaha and thank you!! I'm starting work at the place I wanted to on the 18th of this month so~ I'm super excited to start working again hehe I hope you can find a job you love soon!! <33

yussss, I've been homeschooled my entire life. I did go to a co-op for a couple years but I have never been public schooled. I'm pretty thankful for that to be honest. I don't know, lots of crazy things are happening in schools nowadays... Plus I can work at my own pace and sleep in all I want hahaha

I've actually never heard of khh or kr&b before. I'll have to go look them up 👀 but that's so relatable!! Jay was my first bias in Enhypen! I just loved/love his attitude so much! He's so funny!

hmmm, sooooo my ults are enhypen and bts right now. Bts was the first group I was introduced to in kpop so I think I'll always have a soft spot for them. buuuut i listen to a lot of groups and soloists ahah um DKB is so good!!! I looooveee their songs and i love their personalities so much!! so good, if you don't know who they are, I highly recommend! I also listen to Seventeen, new jeans (recently) Nmixx, Ive, CIX, Stray Kids, kep1er, twice, blackpink (casually), txt, oh my girl, nct, got7, itzy, aespa, bigbang, somi, everglow, IU, Astro, Cravity, chung-ha, BOL4 & The Rose! These are just my most listened to. 😭

my bias in bts is Jin, Jungkook coming for the bias wrecker and enhypen??? HALP IDK IT SWITCHES SO MUCH!!!! but i think jungwon, sunoo, and sunghoon are my biases right now. but recently....jake and niki have been trying to wreck it. ahhh i seriously don't even know.

this ended up being such a long answer. I'm sorry!!

P.S: do you have a sharable spotify? IF so, would you want to exchange? if not, that's totally cool too!

[study-coffee-chicago]

Seasons of Med: Season 1: Glad I Didn’t Make it that Far (A Halstead brothers + Halstead sister! imagine)

Trigger warning: Talk of eating disorders

As always, I do not own any quotes from Chicago Med 1x04 that show up here!

Your age: 14

Jay's age: 28

Will's age: 30

"We should go to a movie," your best friend Emma suggested when you were sitting on the playground of Central Chicago's elementary school one summer day.

You had been coming here since it was pretty close to your house to be able to read without worrying that your dad would show up drunk. He wasn't violent, he was just rude, asking why there was no food and when you explained it was because he wasn't going shopping, he'd scoff and tell you to get a job if you wanted to eat. It wasn't your fault; you'd tried to get a job, but no one would hire you because you were only fourteen. Most places required that you be at least sixteen and the occasional place would let you start at fifteen, but only with very limited hours. And, the places that let you start at fifteen were too far away for you to walk to. You'd have to take the El...and that would turn out badly if Will and Jay found out, even though your dad wouldn't care in the slightest.

"Em, I don't have any money. I'm literally rationing out my feminine products at this point."

"Hey, just tell me if you need any. Me or my mom can get you some. Oh, and some neighbors of mine run a little kettle corn company. They're looking for some extra help on the weekends and they'll pay you under the table. I can give you their number if you want."

"Really?" Emma smiled and nodded. "Yes, please! And, you're the best."

But, what you didn't tell her was that you hadn't eaten since yesterday since there was barely anything in your house and that your cramps were killing you and because of all this, you were feeling nauseous.

"Let's go to the movies. My treat."

"I can't let you pay for me."

"Yes, you can. Best friends help each other out. Now c'mon, let's go." You sighed and closed your eyes as you stood up. "You good?" Emma asked.

"Yeah, I'm fine. Just dizzy."

"You wanna go home?"

"No, no I'm fine. Just seasonal allergies from all the pollen," you lied.

"Okay, let's go."

You started to slow down as you got closer to the movie theater. "I'm so excited to see The Longest Ride!" Emma squealed. "Scott Eastwood is just mwah!"

"Yeah, but he's- he's a lot-- I gotta, I gotta sit down," you stuttered, starting to feel more lightheaded and seeing your vision become blurry at the edges.

"Okay, let's get to the front where you can sit on the curb."

You slowly started to make your way there, but it was too late. "Em- Emma," you slurred as you tried to reach for her as your legs gave out underneath you, and then everything went black.

"Y/N!" Emma yelled as she squatted down next to you and pulled out her phone.

Just then, everyone started running out of the theater shouting something about a shooting.

***

Will's pager went off as he was eating with Natalie and the rest of the team from a taco truck outside of Chicago Med. And, everyone else's pagers were going off, too, making it sound like alarm clocks that were all set for the same time. Then, Maggie ran outside.

"Shooting in a movie theater! Mass casualties! It's about to get crazy!" she yelled to the doctors and other nurses. "EMTs are four minutes out!"

Not even a second after she finished her sentence, an ambulance pulled up with lights flashing and sirens blaring.

"Check that!" Will yelled as he threw his food in the trash can. "They're here!"

Then, all of them sprinted into the hospital, their main focus now being saving as many lives as possible.

"Another maniac gone crazy in a theater," Will said as he put something over his scrubs to keep them from getting blood all over them. "Is this the world we live in?"

***

You slowly opened your eyes to be met with the white ceiling and an IV in your arm. You groaned. "Where am I?" you asked as you rolled over to see Emma sitting on a bench. "Are we in an ambulance?"

"You don't remember?" Emma asked.

"You passed out, sweetie," a female paramedic told you as she put a blood pressure cuff around your arm. "Luckily for you, we came pretty quick after hearing about the shooting."

"The shooting? There was a shooting?"

"In the movie theater," the paramedic answered you. "You were lucky you didn't go in."

"Guess so."

Your eyes widened as you realized they were probably taking you to Chicago Med. You couldn't let your brother know that the most likely reason for you passing out was that you hadn't eaten since yesterday. They'd freak out.

"Am I good to go when we get to the hospital? I feel fine." You were still nauseous, but that was better than being passed out.

"You passed out, we need to get you checked out at the hospital."

"But I feel fine," you protested.

"I understand that, sweetie. But you need to get checked out anyway to make sure that there wasn't something that made you pass out other than the heat."

"She's right, Y/N," Emma said. "You need to get checked out."

You huffed. "Fine." Maybe Will would be too busy to even notice you were there. And, you figured your dad wouldn't pick up his phone, so you could just sneak out undetected when the doctors and nurses weren't watching.

When you got in, you were met by Natalie. "Y/N?" she asked. "What are you doing here?"

"It's nothing. I just passed out. I'm fine, really."

"Shoot," Emma said. "My mom's here to pick me up. Said she doesn't want me here because of all the press since I'm not hurt. I'm sorry."

You waved your hand. "It's fine. Hopefully, I'll be getting out here soon, too. See you later."

"Bye, Y/N."

"If you passed out, you're not fine, Y/N," Natalie said.

As you were wheeled past a trauma room, you saw your brother. Luckily for you, he was too focused on his patient that he didn't notice.

"Want me to get Will?" Natalie asked when she saw you glance in there.

"No! I mean, he looks really busy and I'm not dying. They should be the first priority."

"Okay, well I'll have Maggie call your dad because after all the standard tests, if I need to do more, I'm going to need your dad's permission since you're still a minor."

"Okay."

"Hey, Maggie," Natalie called, "Do me a favor and call Y/N's dad for me. I just might need permission to run some additional tests."

"You got it."

You got on the bed in the treatment room and allowed Natalie to listen to your heart and lungs. "Were you part of the crush?" she asked. "Did you get the wind knocked out of you? Is that why you passed out?"

"No, I got dizzy before we could get inside. I felt nauseous, too, but I think that was just from period cramps."

"The paramedics said you were dehydrated and that they had to administer an IV. Have you been eating and drinking properly? I know it's hot and that can cause you to pass out. Other than that factor, have you been eating and drinking normally?"

"Yes," you lied.

"Okay, I'm just going to need to get your height and weight and other vitals before we continue."

You nodded and followed her to where she took your height and weight. She wrote it down and you started to walk out, but she stopped you. "Uh, Y/N, come with me."

You followed her to the doctor's lounge where she handed you her sweatshirt. "Why are you giving me this?"

"You bled through your shorts. There's free pads and tampons in the bathroom if you don't have any on you."

You nodded. "Thank you."

"Meet me back here once you're finished."

"Okay."

When you got into the bathroom, you took all the pads and tampons you could fit in your shorts pockets after you had finished changing your dirty one.

Now, it was time for your great escape. No one would see you; they were all too busy treating other patients and worrying about the press.

You were almost out into the waiting room, but then a voice stopped you.

"Y/N?"

Shit. Jay.

You stopped in your tracks but then continued walking.

"Y/N, I know you heard me. Come back."

You sighed and turned around, hoping you wouldn't have to spill all the secrets about what's been happening at home.

***

"Poor guy," Erin said as she and Jay exited Sharon Goodwin's office. "He thought what he was going was right."

"I probably would've done the same thing if I were in his shoes," Jay agreed. "I mean, if I thought I saw a guy with an AR-15 in a movie theater and then thought the shots from the movie were coming from the gun, I sure as hell would've acted. Not that my service weapon can shoot bullets off as much as my sniper, but I'd try. Try and save civilians."

"Jay." Erin placed a hand on his arm. "You're not in Afghanistan anymore."

"I know. There's just some sick and twisted people in this world. Why would someone go into a theater with a leaf blower anyway? With all the mass shootings that have happened, that's probably the stupidest idea I've heard."

"I agree with you. But he's just a kid. He didn't ask to get shot. But, if I were in that teacher's shoes, I'd probably do the same thing and draw my gun."

Jay furrowed his eyebrows as he saw someone walking towards the exit of the ED and towards the waiting room. She had shorts and a t-shirt on with a burgundy sweatshirt tied around her waist. Jay wouldn't have given it a second thought, but he knew you had the same gray beat-up Converse because he had gotten them for you for a birthday present two years ago and you always wore the same polka dot scrunchie when you needed your hair to be in a bun and needed it to be tight.

"Is that?..." Erin trailed off.

"I think so," Jay answered, quickening his pace to catch up with you before you got out of the ED and he lost sight of you due to the number of people in the waiting room. "Y/N!" he yelled.

The girl he thought was you froze for a split second and then continued walking, this time at a faster pace. That was all the confirmation he needed. "Y/N, I know you heard me. Come back."

You sighed and turned around.

"I was going to tell you," you mumbled once you were in front of him.

He scoffed and crossed his arms across his chest. "Yeah? And when were you planning on calling Dad? You know you're a minor so a parent needs to be notified."

"Y/N!" Natalie yelled. "I thought you left, I was so close to getting security to look for you. We couldn't get a hold of your dad and were going to call Jay since he's your secondary emergency contact, but he's here now, so if both of you could follow me then that'd be great."

"You got it from here, Erin?" Jay asked.

"Yeah, text me if you need me to pick you up and bring you back to the district."

"Will do. Don't let Voight bust my balls because I skipped out."

"I'll tell him Y/N had a medical emergency. He'll understand."

"Thanks."

You, Natalie, and Jay walked back into the treatment room where Natalie had been previously treating you.

"First of all, let me just say it was not a medical emergency," you told your brother.

"Oh yeah? Then why are you here?" he asked.

"I was feeling nauseous."

"And you came to the ED just because of some nausea?" He raised an eyebrow. He so knew you were lying.

Meanwhile, Will was walking out of a trauma room after Rhodes brought a victim up to surgery.

"Hey. You hear?" Reese asked as she walked up to the doctor. "The kid at the theater, the one who got shot, he didn't have a gun, he had a leaf blower."

"What?" Will asked, stunned. He had worked on that kid and knew that it wasn't good.

"Yeah, turns out it was some kind of prank." She was about to turn around to leave, but then stopped. "Oh, and your sister's here. Treatment one."

"What? Why?"

"I think she passed out or something. Dr. Manning's in there with her right now."

"Thanks, Reese."

Will barged into your treatment room. "So, she comes into the ED and nobody has the common decency to even notify me?" he asked rhetorically.

"You were busy treating other patients, Will. I was going to get around to it eventually," Natalie said.

"Natalie, please just finish explaining what happened. Or just start from the beginning because Will's here now," Jay suggested, not wanting to have to break up an argument between the two doctors.

Now it was Will who was the one who crossed his arms over his chest.

"So, Will, what happened was that Y/N passed out. She was almost inside the movie theater, but she passed out, so she didn't go in."

"The movie theater where the shooting happened?" Jay asked. You nodded. "Jesus, kid, if you would've gotten inside, you would've given both me and Will heart attacks."

"Sorry. But, I'm glad I didn't get that far."

"Yeah, us too," Will agreed. "So, why'd she pass out?"

"Can I talk to you two for a minute? Outside?"

They nodded. "Be right back," Jay told you.

"So, what's going on?" Jay asked once the three were safely outside of the room and out of earshot from you.

"Have you noticed anything strange with her eating habits lately? Any skipping meals? Going to the bathroom right after meals? Not wanting to eat?" Natalie asked the two brothers.

"No, nothing," Jay answered. "Granted, we don't eat with her a lot because she lives with our dad and we both live on our own."

"Okay, because since her physical check-up a month and a half ago, Y/N's lost fifteen pounds."

"Fifteen?" Will asked, flabbergasted.

"I thought she looked smaller, but I just thought I was hallucinating from lack of sleep because of all the crazy cases we've had," Jay said.

"No, she's lost fifteen pounds since her last check-up," Dr. Manning reiterated.

"So, what are you saying?" Will asked. "Our sister's anorexic? Bulimic?"

"I'm not saying any of those yet. But, I talked to Dr. Charles while Y/N was in the bathroom and she said to try and have her eat something, like the greasiest thing you can find in the cafeteria, and see what she does. We'll even leave the room after to chat and I'll have Maggie keep an eye on the bathrooms to see if she goes in there. If she refuses to eat or freaks out over it, then we might be dealing with anorexia. If she goes into the bathroom after, we might be dealing with bulimia. Or, it could be a combination of the two or just possibly her trying to lose weight. Has she ever mentioned wanting to lose weight to either of you?"

"No, not all," Jay answered. "Even when we went out after her last day of school, which I think was about two weeks after she had that physical, she ate a ton and she didn't go to the bathroom right after."

"But you did go home right after," Will pointed out.

"Yeah."

"But, with some bulimics, if they know that the food has already been digested, they won't try to purge. And, it sounds like the food had time to digest."

"Alright, I'll go grab her a bacon cheeseburger."

"And a side of mac n cheese," Jay suggested. "She loves that stuff." Will started to walk out, but Jay stopped him once more. "Can you pick me up a bacon cheeseburger, too? I'm hungry."

Will rolled his eyes. "Yeah, but just so you know, you're paying me back."

"I know," Jay said and then went back inside the treatment room.

"Where's Will?" you asked.

"He's getting you some food. How does a bacon cheeseburger and mac n cheese sound?"

God, your mouth watered just at the thought of the bacon cheeseburger alone. The juicy patty, melty cheese, and crispy bacon, yum. And, you hadn't had a burger in who knows how long.

"That sounds amazing honestly," you answered.

"Okay, good because that's what Will's getting you." He paused. "Is everything okay with Dad? Everything good at home?"

"Yeah, everything's fine," you lied.

"Did someone tell you that you were fat at all?"

Shit, he knew I'd lost weight. "No," you answered. "I guess I'm not just mindlessly snacking when I'm doing homework anymore. It's not like I'm trying to lose weight."

No way were you going to tell him that there was rarely any food in the house, not here anyway.

"Okay, good," Jay answered. Then, he looked out of the room to see Will talking with Natalie. But, they were close enough that you could hear them, so you turned your attention to the two as well.

"Hey, Nat," Will said, carrying a bag with three cheeseburgers and a side of mac n cheese.

"Yeah?" she asked.

"I'm thinking, I only live a mile from you. So, when you go into labor, call me. I'll drive you here."

"Thanks, but...you know it could be three in the morning, right?"

"Sleep's overrated anyway."

Then, Will made his way back into your treatment room. "I wanna take you to the hospital," Jay mocked. "Very smooth, Will, very smooth."

"Will's got a crush, Will's got a crush," you said in a sing-song voice.

"Would you two knuckleheads keep it down? And no, I do not have a crush, I was just trying to be helpful."

Jay scoffed. "Yeah right. You totally have a crush on her, man. Now, give us the food and we won't say anything."

***

"Everything seem normal?" Natalie asked Will as Jay was still sitting with you after the three of you had finished your food.

"Yeah, she ate a little faster than normal, but we waited an hour and she didn't even get up to go to the bathroom, so I don't think that's the issue. She told Jay she wasn't trying to lose weight. She said she just wasn't mindlessly eating anymore when she was doing homework. But, I don't think that could make her lose fifteen pounds. Do you?"

"No. But unfortunately, given her height and age, she still has a normal BMI, so we can't do anything."

"Yeah, I get it. Me and Jay will keep an eye on her. It was around this time when our dad just kind of checked out on parenting us."

"What do you mean?"

"He wouldn't cook or really help us with anything. But, it was okay because our Mom was still around, so she'd cook and help us with things. He just thought we were old enough to deal with stuff on our own."

"Things that a teenager without another parent still needs help with."

"Exactly."

Jay poked his head out of the room. "Everything good? Y/N's asking when she can leave."

Will rolled his eyes. "Wonder where she gets that from."

"Shut up."

"I'll grab you the discharge papers," Natalie said and then walked to a nurse's station.

Just then, Will's pager went off. "I gotta go." He fished into the pocket of his scrubs. "You can take my car home and then just come pick me up from work and we can drive back to the district to get your truck. That way you don't have to bug Erin."

"Thanks, man. Go save some lives."

Natalie came back and handed him the discharge papers.

"Thanks, Nat. Me and Will will be sure to keep an eye on her, maybe have her over for dinner once or twice a week to monitor her eating habits."

"That's a good idea. Good luck with all this. Will told me that this was around the time that your dad clocked out on you, so maybe pay him a visit when Y/N's not there and check? I don't know if that's something you'd want to do or not."

Jay nodded. "I'll keep that in mind. Thanks."

"No problem."

Jay signed the discharge papers and then walked back into the room. "Good news."

"We can leave?" you asked excitedly as you sat up.

"We can leave," he confirmed.

***

You got out of the car and stood on the stoop of your house, Jay right next to you. "Jay," you started, "I have to tell you something."

"Okay, what is it? You can tell me anything."

You opened your mouth to tell him that there was barely any food in the house and that your dad refused to buy you feminine hygiene products because, by his logic, if he had another son, he wouldn't need to buy them, so you should buy them yourself.

But then, the door opened, revealing your dad.

"I was just going to say thanks for staying with me at the hospital. I would've left if you didn't stop me."

"You're welcome."

"Care to tell me where you've been?" your dad asked.

You knew he was just putting on a show because Jay was there.

"I was at the park and then me and Emma were going to see a movie and then--" your phone buzzed, alerting you that you had a text message.

"I've got it from here, Y/N. Dad, can I come inside?"

Pat Halstead nodded and you walked inside followed by your brother. "I'm gonna go upstairs and change," you said.

As you walked past the kitchen, you noticed a bunch of grocery bags, all of them full. He must've gone grocery shopping. At least you didn't have to worry about food for the next few days. But, you didn't know if he just did that because he finally listened to his voice mails and heard that you were in the hospital and were worried that they were going to find out that he was an unfit parent or because he finally came to his senses and realized that he was still responsible for you because you were a minor, which meant he needed to have food in the house.

As you walked upstairs, you checked your phone. It was Emma's neighbor asking if you could start helping her with kettle corn this Saturday. You responded with a yes because now, if your dad went back to not buying groceries, at least you'd be able to buy some for yourself.

A/N: Sorry this one was so short! It's kind of just to foreshadow the next installment of this. And, in the next installment, I will probably combine Seasons of PD: Season 4 and Seasons of Med: Season 2 because the storylines kind of go together. Anyway, thank you for reading! Please reblog/like and comment and tell me what you think! As always, if you want to be added to the taglist, just tell me and I’ll be happy to add you!

taglist: @theambracer88 @virtualreader @kelelas-life @celyndavies @brookerz122493 @musicismyescape27 @anotherfan07 @thexplosivegirl @dreamingwithlens @xoxmariaxox @onechicago18 @iamasimpingh0e 

[readingismyoxygen]

A liar, bug and bird ch3

ch1 / ch2 / ch3 / ch4 / ch5 / ch6

The next few days weren’t that remarkable. Damian had school, she had work that needed to be done and Dick and Jay continued to guide the class, because for every event the ‘Akuma Class’ had planned, their guides ‘couldn’t make it’, something Tikki had planned with the two eldest, but would deny to the end of her days (‘I’m the personification of Creation, I would never’). Tim and Bruce were mostly at WE, because a new investor had shown interest in the robot doctor they were developing, so that required a lot of their time at the moment. Everything changed four days later. How exactly? Well, Harley and Ivy decided to drop by the Wayne Botanical Gardens at the same time as the class.

“Well lookie here, there’s some new folk in town Ives! So, what’cha doin’ here? No one comes to good ol’ Gotham without good reason!”

The  class looked stunned at the appearance of the two women.

"U-Uh... Class trip?" One of them managed to get out, unsure as of why exactly these two showed any interest in them. Of course, they didn't know Mari had practically befriended almost half of the rogues by now. 

"For realsies now? Ye're Mari's class arent'cha? If this is a class trip, then where's yer class rep?"

"Harls, you're scaring them, give them a little space to breathe", Ivy sighed, used to Harley's antics. While she was talking, Harley had been getting closer and closer to the group of teens with her baseball bat swinging around, and all of them looked quite uncomfortable.

"Y-You know Marinette?" Alya stuttered.

"Yeah 'course I do, she's a real doll, isn't she Ives?"

"She is", Ivy answered with a hum and a soft smile. "She really helps my plants grow, you know, and is so respectful towards nature, really surprised me when I first met her".

Harley got even more enthusiastic. "Oooh, tell them how we met her, that was sooo adorable!" She squealed. At this point the class just stood there, ready to accept whatever was coming for them and too surprised to really react to what the two Sirens were saying.

Ivy softly hummed again. "I believe it was late at night, and we just had dinner at the Italian place four blocks from here. We made a detour here because I felt something going on with the plants, but all we could find was a tiny slip of a girl just talking about her day to the gardenias over there. I swear they started growing just from being in her presence."

"See! I told y'all she was a doll! Plants love her, animals love her -ye  can ask her boyfriend 'bout that, he'll tell ya- and even the rogues all love her! She's declared as off-limits by at least six of them for anyone to hurt her!"

At the last statement, Lila got an idea.

"You mean Marinette  is involved with criminals? I-I always knew there was something off about her, but for her to be that sketchy, I n-never would have guessed!" she exclaimed.

“Honestly, the only thing that does surprise m is that Marislut managed to get a boyfriend. If anything, he must be  just as bad as her, who else would ever like a bully like that bitch?”

Harley and Ivy just looked at each other, at Jason and Dick (who were really trying to hold in their laughter), then they looked back at each other and just started giggling like crazy.

“Th-they don’t know who he is, do they”, Ivy managed to get out eventually.

“Not a clue”, Jason grinned.

“Ooooh boy, this is gonna be great”, Harley grinned back deviously.

The whole class just looked confused. How could they not? Two of the Sirens showed up who apparently know about their class and they know Marinette, they know her boyfriend and are just laughing at them with the two guys who have crashed all of their tours for some reason. What was going on?

[jawritter]

You and Me...

Chapter 6

***SERIES WARNINGS**** Rape, non-con, male!rape, injury, violence, description of injury caused by rape, nightmares, self-harm, panic attacks, implied female non-con, language, ass hole Jensen, hurt!Jensen, dark fic, smut. If there is anything else I will add it as I go.

***Chapter Warnings*** VERY BIG TRIGGER WARNING!! This chapter contains descriptions of injuries and heavy implications of Male Rape! Please know I don’t take this sort of thing lightly, and I was gentle as possible in the descriptions and implications as I could be, but still getting the story across as well!! Hints of mental disturbance, language probably, kidnapping, Angst, overall this one is pretty heavy.

Word Count: 2790

Pairing: Jensen Ackles x Reader, Jared x Reader, OFC Justin X Reader, OFC Steve x Reader

A/N: Anyway, all mistakes are mine, please don’t copy my work, Feedback is golden. If you want to be added to the series tag list, or my tag list just let me know! I hope you enjoy this one. After this chapter things tend to start to pick up a little.

Summary: It’s funny how one choice you made can change your whole life. One mistake can alter your course, and set you on a path that forever will haunt you. Two people find themselves getting through one of the hardest trials of Jensen’s life, on just one small promise. You and Me. We’ll get through it together…

Want more? Check out my Masterlist!!

***MASTERLIST***

***YOU AND ME MASTERLIST***

It had been three days since Jensen had been to the studio. 

Steve had tried calling him but got no answer. Steve was starting to get worried, therefore he was making sure everyone in the office was on edge because that was just Steve. 

"Maybe he changed his mind," you mumble, looking through the recordings that had already been done, and checking to make sure all the copyrights for the songs he wanted to do were sent off, and ready just in case he did decide to show back up.

"He can't change his mind! He's under contract to finish this album here in this studio," Steve gritted out, going through Jensen's paperwork looking for another contact to try. 

"Damn Steve, you put that shit on lock didn't you?" Justin said, spinning his chair in circles like an overgrown kid, not really concerned as to whether or not Jensen showed back up. He didn’t seem to like Jensen all that much anyway.

Steve turned to give him his best bitchface. "This album could put our studio on the map,"  he said coldly. “We need this guy to finish this album.”

Then something dawns on you, something you had totally forgotten about. You had Misha's number. 

You were going to send him a donation to his charity, and while he was here he gave it to you so that he could text you the address to send the money in to. 

"I have Misha's number, try him, maybe he knows a way to contact him," you glancing over your shoulder, and Steve looks at you like he wants to kill you for waiting until now to let that little piece of information out. 

Pulling out your phone and text him the phone number, and as soon as his phone buzzed with the number he was calling it, walking into the office, and leaving you and Justin to sit in silence on the other side of the door, listening to see if you could hear something. All the two of you seemed to make out was a muffled conversation that honestly sounded like it was very one-sided, with Misha doing the majority of the talking.

After about 15 minutes Steve walked back into the main recording room pale, and a little nauseated, flopping down in the chair next to you. 

"What I'm about to tell you guys doesn't leave this room," Steve said, looking between Justin and yourself. Your heart jumped speed. You didn't like the way he said that. 

"Three days ago Jensen was forcibly taken from Jared's bar when he was helping a bartender close up. They just found him today. He's at St. David's South Austin Medical Center," Steve looked down at the ground, and then back up at you two like he was unsure whether or not to tell you both the rest of the story. 

"Is he okay?" you asked. 

You weren’t exactly sure why your heart fell to your feet. Your hand ideally ran across the hand he touched just a few days ago taking his coffee from you.

"Was it some crazy super fan?" Justin asked, looking at Steve like he was bullshitting the two of you. 

Steve turned a little greener. 

"No, it wasn't a fan apparently,” Steve took a deep breath in order to settle himself.  

“Jensen and Jennifer hooked up a little over a week ago. Apparently, things didn’t go exactly the way she’d hoped, so when she got home she told her brother that Jensen had raped her. He and a few of his buddies took Jensen, and for three days kept him locked in a hotel... Returning the favor," Steve stopped talking, pinching the bridge of his nose and closing his eyes tight. Taking a deep breath to stave off the urge to throw up, or scream because he felt like doing both.

You fought to keep your breakfast down. The room seemed to be spinning. Your heart broke for him. Why you didn't know. What the hell? Why do you care so much? He was nothing but a complete and total ass to you! He hated you! Still, you couldn’t shake the gut-wrenching feeling deep down inside of you no matter how hard you tried to.

---------------------------------------

Later that night you paced around your apartment with Steve's words ringing in your head. You couldn't imagine what Jensen had gone through over the past three days. It made you sick to your stomach every time you thought about it. 

Grabbing your purse you decide, probably against your better judgment, to head to the hospital. You had to see him. You didn't understand why, you had to see that he was okay. 

So now you found yourself walking through the halls of the hospital looking for a nurse to ask which room they were keeping Jensen in. Holding your studio ID tight in your hand, hoping it was enough for them to let you into his room. This late at night you would think there would be more nurses roaming the halls, but things were still and quiet, not much movement at all.

You were just about to give up. You had just about walked the whole hospital, and no one seemed to know where he was. Making your way back to the second-floor elevators you pressed the button impatiently, wondering if maybe they moved him to a different hospital, or if he just asked people to not come to visit him right now, so they were keeping his location a secret or something. 

It was stupid to come here in the first place. Jensen hated your guts. He wouldn't want to see you, so why the hell were you even here? That’s what your brain was screaming at you, and you had just about resided to the fact that it was right, and you were being an idiot by coming here.

Annoyed that the elevator was taking so long to open you were about to turn to take the stairs when you heard the familiar ding of the doors opening. Looking up you come face to... well... mid-chest... with Jared. 

"Y/N!" Jared said, wrapping you in a bone-crushing hug. He looked exhausted. The amount of puffiness and redness around his eyes told you he had been crying. "What are you doing here?" he asked, surprised to see you standing there. 

"Misha told us what happened. I came to see Jensen, but I can't find his room. No one seems to know where he is, or at least they don't want to tell me," you tell him, embarrassed that you even came you stared down at your feet.

Jared draped a long arm around your shoulders turning you around and headed toward the end of the hallway with you, stopping in front of room 241 he turned to face you. 

"Y/N, I want to tell you what you're going to see in there. It's not pretty." 

You took a deep breath. Why the hell were you all in your feels right now?

"What did they do to him, Jared?" you asked, almost afraid of the answer. Jared swallowed hard, looking like he was about to start crying again. 

"They jumped him in my bar while he was waiting on the new guy I hired to close up. They tied him up, knocked him out, and dragged him out of the bar. The rest we are guessing. He hasn't said a word since the ambulance driver picked him up on the side of the road where they dumped him when they were done with him. According to the doctors, it looks like he was tied down to something, then was repeatedly violated. That’s all we know, and he’s not telling." 

You held the vomit back that threatened in the back of your throat. Both you and Jared shivered involuntarily.

"When I first saw him he was covered in blood, and what looked like vomit. They had to sedate him to clean it all off of him and do the examination. Every time someone touches him he freaks out. They couldn't even get him as clean as they wanted because he was fighting so hard. From what I understand they cut the twist ties off of his wrist in the ambulance. They said he was just dumped completely naked, and still tied. Some dick truck driver saw him, and called the ambulance, but didn’t have the decency to stop and help him. Just kept on driving.”

Jared watched as you tried to compose yourself, the flood of emotions that were hitting you as he told you how he was found was more than you thought it would be for you. 

"You sure you wanna go in there?" he asked you when you finally could breathe properly.”I get it if you don’t.”  

"Yeah. I need to see him." 

Jared never questioned, he just shook his head and opened the door. 

At first, you didn't even see him lying in the bed. It just looked like a heap of covers in the middle of the bed. Moving around the bed you finally found the top of his head. 

He was laying on his side with his back to the door, the covers pulled all the way up almost over his head. 

"Jay...  Y/N's here to see you," Jared said, walking around the bed first. 

The heap of cover never moved. Jared looked at you apologetically. 

You slowly made your way around the bed, afraid of what you were going to see. He looked so fragile lying there in that bed with monitor, wires and different IV's coming out from under the cover. There wasn't a lot of bruise on his face. Especially around his mouth. It was bruised all the way around his lips to almost his left ear. His lips were swollen and cracked.  You shuddered at the thought of what might have caused that. 

The rest of him was well covered, but for a scratched up hand sticking out from under the cover by his face. 

It was his eyes that got to you the most. 

He never made eye contact with you or Jared. He just stared at the wall between the two of you blankly. No light there at all. No movement. A very evident “the light's are on, but no one is home” look. 

You couldn't stop the cascade tears that were falling down your face. They had broken something deep inside him, and you didn’t have to be a doctor to see it. 

"Physically the injuries aren't permanent. It's the mental damage the doctors are worried about," Jared said, sitting on the small sofa next to his friend's bed, watching him closely. 

Jensen just continued to look at the wall as if the two of you weren’t even in the room, and no one was talking about him less than three feet away from his bed. 

There was a picture of him and his kids by the bed, no doubt brought there by Jared. He was smiling in the photo. He looked so happy. So contradictory to the broken man laying there in front of you. The longer you stood there you felt like your heart shattered into a million pieces. 

Everything in you wanted to pick him up and just hold him until he was okay again, even though you knew that him being “okay” again wouldn’t ever be that easy.

"Did he really do what they say he did to Jennifer?" you turned and asked Jared, feeling like you were going to be sick again looking at the dirt and dried blood under his fingernails. 

You tried to keep your mind from wondering whether the blood was his, or his attackers. You weren’t very successful.

"I don't know, and I'm not trying to justify anything he may have done, but do you think he would have deserved this? I was there when he asked her to dinner with him. She was definitely more than willing to show up at his house wearing next to nothing." 

He was right of course. No one deserved what Jensen had been through. 

You sat down in the chair next to his bed. Jensen was still staring at the wall like he didn't even know the two of you were in there. Reflexively you reached for his hand, wanting to comfort him in some way, but he jerked it under the cover before you even got close, never making a sound. 

Even though he didn’t make a sound, he slowly looked up at you. Jared moved closer, not sure what he was going to do, but hoping that seeing you would pull him out of whatever mental cage he had enclosed himself in. 

He did nothing. He stared at you for maybe a whole minute. A single tear slipping down his face then looked back at the wall. The blank look never once leaving his eyes. 

Nurses came in checking the monitors while you and Jared sat next to Jensen talking, trying to avoid the subject of Jensen's injuries in front of him. Neither of you wanted to upset him. Jensen never moved, still just staring at the wall. 

Finally, looking up at the clock you saw that it was close to 1 in the morning. Rubbing your face in frustration because even though you knew it was late you didn't want to leave him. He had dozed on and off while the two of you sat there talking, but he seemed to be awake right then. The amount of drugs they were giving him to manage his pain level probably didn't help his current state either. Still, you couldn't imagine the physical pain he was in. You didn't even want to think about what was going on in his head. Still, it was late, and you needed to let Jared get some rest. 

"It's getting late, I need to let you rest. I'll come by tomorrow after work if that's okay," you tell Jared, reaching down to grabbing your purse. When you leaned down to grab your purse you had put your hand on the bed to brace yourself.  It was something you did without thinking. Just a natural movement.

So lightly you almost didn't notice it you feel a calloused hand lay softly on top of yours. Looking up you see Jensen had reached over and grabbed your hand. Both yourself and Jared held your breath. For the first time, Jensen slowly made full eye contact with you, and not like he was looking through you with the same blank look on his face. 

It was eerie and unnatural. Even though he was physically there, and probably knew vaguely where he was, he seemed to mentally be millions of miles away.

You went to take your hand away just to see what he would do, testing the waters kind of. When you did he tightened his grip on your hand, holding it in place. 

"Jay," Jared said, trying to get his friend to look at him. 

Jensen never spoke, but he did look at him with tears falling from his deep green eyes. It almost looked like he was on the edge of panic, but wasn’t quite mentally there enough to fall over that edge. 

"Are you in pain?" Jared asked. 

Jensen did nothing. 

"Do you not want Y/N to leave?" he asked Jensen again. 

Jensen did nothing, just stared back and forth between Jared and yourself. 

Closing his eyes he slipped back into his drug-induced sleep with a death grip still on your hand.

For just a moment you considered staying, you did stay for another hour, Jensen never moved again, just slept. Honestly, it's what his body needed. To rest. So you gently slipped your hand out of his, gave Jared a hug, and your number, telling him to call you if he needed anything, and made your way to the door, letting both men get some rest. 

When you finally got back to your car you sat there completely broken-hearted for the man lying in that hospital bed.

You hadn't realized it till right now. Seeing him so broken had brought it right in the front of your attention. 

You didn't hate him like you thought. 

You felt something else entirely. 

This changes things.

For you anyway. Jensen had a long road ahead of him. Last you knew he hated you. Starting your car you wiped away the tears that were still falling from your own eyes. Praying to whoever was listening that you didn't get your heartbroken and that he could recover from this.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

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[kunderdogs]

Take A Chance IV

Simon Dominic (AOMG) x Y/N (Reader) Genre: Romance / Angst Count: 2.4k+ Warnings: None Rating: Mature (suggestive, swearing) Summary: Who would’ve thought a one night stand with Simon D would turn into FWB? It only gets more complicated when you developed feelings, against your better judgement.

Chapter One. | Chapter Two. | Chapter Three. | Chapter Four. | Chapter Five. | Chapter Six. | Chapter Seven. |

Over the course of two weeks, you and Kiseok had a pretty good routine going on. He didn't come over every night, more like every other but he called and texted you nearly every chance he got.

At first you didn't think anything of it. He would ask you how your day was, if you ate and how you were feeling. Nothing crazy or out of pocket. It was innocent most of the time, and usually followed up by making plans to see you later on.

There was nothing you could do to stop your heart from bursting out of your chest each time you heard a small chime. Nicole had glared at you once when you two were on lunch and you scrambled over the table to reach your phone.

"Is that Lover Boy?" She teased. You were thankful that, out of all the nicknames she could've used - and she had a lot of them -, lover boy was the one she had stuck with. For now.

"What?" You feigned ignorance, "I have no idea what you're talking about. That's...Amazon. My package was delivered."

She smirked, sipping her iced tea, "I'm sure it was."

After a few days, Kiseok's texts became a little more...risky. You had no problem with sexting. When in the right setting, it was hot but he would send you wild shit while you're in the middle of a meeting, or when you're trying to finish up the last of your work before heading to see him. Usually you could play it off then retreat to the bathroom to respond but when he sent a voice recording of that damned deep voice of his, you stood from your desk and went to the stairs corridor to call and cuss him out for getting you bothered at eleven in the morning. You promised punishment as soon as you were off and Kiseok was, to say the least, intrigued. That night he was stunned at how different you could be if he gave you the reigns. Days after that, he still catches himself staring after you with amazement.

From that point on, he pretty much figured out that he could make you do nearly anything with a certain voice. It was a dangerous game that you two played. It only escalated when he coaxed you to touch yourself in the private bathroom at your company with him on FaceTime. You were lucky that you had finished in record-breaking time, before any of your coworkers (or God forbid, your boss) found out what exactly you were doing.

By the time the third week rolled around, Nicole had stopped hounding you for details of your hookups. Instead, she cautioned every now again. Typically, it was the same thing.

"Don't get too attached."

"He's a celebrity. You know how society is to foreigners dating celebs."

"What if he's a player? I just don't want you to get hurt."

While you appreciated her concern, you knew it was already too late not to get attached to him. Other than text you constantly, Kiseok did little things that had your head and heart confused.

On his bad days, he would complain to you about what happened and asked for your advice, if you had any to give, on the topic. He joked and teased you just like a friend would and willingly showed you pieces of his personal and work life as well. It was subtle at first - videos of him in the studio and then pictures of his friends when he was telling you a story about them. Each time, he would bring you food or have something delivered so you both got to learn each other's eating and drinking habits. You had seen him tipsy but he made it a point not to over do it in front of you.

Kiseok was also very considerate of you and your time, which you appreciated more than anything else. He didn't hound you if you didn't text back immediately and understood if you were swamped at the office or had to cancel that one time because the work would not be done until late in the night. He just told you to take care of yourself and later, had a pizza ordered to your job. It was around that time that you noticed you were falling a little too fast. You hadn’t admitted it out-loud, instead you chose to ignore those feelings completely. Hopefully, they would magically disappear into thin air.

You both didn't get into intimate details of your life. It was only by a weird stroke of luck that he hadn't found out about Cookie. She usually called right after you got off work anyway. Kiseok was busy during the day so when you went out to meet with your daughter and her father on your off days, he was in the middle of his own jam-packed schedule. Really, he was only available during the night time so you were more of a booty call than a FWB at this point. Neither of you had defined the "relationship" so far though, so it was hard to put a name to it right now.

It was Saturday when you woke up early and got dressed in casual clothes to go with Cookie to the zoo. Her, her father and his girlfriend were flying back to the US tonight so they wanted to do one last thing to fill the hours before the boring plane ride. You had cried last night as you thought of being without your mini-me for two whole months but his family hadn't seen her since she was much younger. You knew she would have fun, especially since his parents were dying to take her to Disneyland. You wished you could take an extended vacation and go with them but you had used most of your vacation days to take Cookie to Disney World for her birthday and that was only a couple of months ago.

Either way, you were sadder these past two days and thankfully Kiseok was swamped with an upcoming project so he hadn't been over in about four days. You didn't have to explain your blood-shot eyes.

You had so much fun at the zoo with your daughter that you didn't bother touching your phone. Your ex had taken most of the pictures for you all with promises to send them to you. It was around two in the afternoon when you four decided to go to a nearby burger joint and get some lunch. Cookie was shoving her face with chicken tenders so you decided to check your phone to pass the time. There were a few new gray message bubbles.

'Hey sexy thang ;)' 10:09AM

'This song better go double platinum with all the work I'm puttin in this bitch' 11:32AM

'Don't tell me you're asleep still?' 11:38AM

'I'm going to find a way to get your sexy ass as a video vixen one of these days' 11:47AM

'Argggh PD is calling me back. Text me when you wake up' 11:51AM

'We should be done by 2. Loco is taking me to some new place for food then I'm free. Can I swing by your place?' 11:52AM

Of course they were all from Kiseok. Not even your mother texted you as much as he did and although you liked the attention, right now you wanted to focus on Cookie since you won't physically see her for weeks after this. You frowned to yourself, feeling tears well up in your eyes for the millionth time today. You were going to miss her so much.

Composing yourself, you quickly typed a reply back. 'Hey. I'm up, just a little busy today. I won't be able to see you tonight. Maybe tomorrow if you're free?' 2:16PM

With that, you locked your phone and slid it in your pocket, once again forgetting about it soon after.

Your ex's girlfriend, Mia, nudged you slightly when she saw how pensive you were. "Hey, you okay? Was that work?"

Shaking your head, you took a breath, "No, I'm just gonna miss having my best friend around."

Cookie popped up, french fries sticking out of her mouth, "I'm gonna miss you too, mommy!" Her curly hair was pulled into two pony-tails, coils springing happily as she devoured the food in record-breaking time. "Don't cry! I'll make daddy buy you a Tiana dress so we can match!"

You laughed at the sight, tears pooling in your eyes again as her father pouted. "Ok, sweetie, I'd love to match with you."

About thirty minutes later, you all were getting ready to leave when Mia said she'd swing by and grab the rental car from the parking lot. They had to go to back to their hotel to pack. You all said your goodbyes, tears flowing freely between you and Mia. Cookie looked concerned for you as she wiped your tears, kissing your cheeks to reassure you.

Your ex hugged you and thanked you again, his eyes sparkling with happiness to have his precious daughter with him. You wished you could go with them once again as you watched their car drive off.

Back at home, you were greeted with a depressingly quiet apartment. It was cold and dark, something that was going to be a common occurrence for the coming weeks. Sniffling, you made your way to Cookie’s room, scanning her pink room with a blurring gaze. You were slowly walking around the room when you felt your phone ring.

It was Mia.

"Hello?" You called, wondering what could've happened in the last hour since you parted ways.

"Hey, Y/N, Cookie is freaking out because her father forgot to ask you to bring her Peach doll," Mia nearly shouted over the distraught crying in the background. You could hear your ex trying to console Cookie, to no avail. "Can you meet us at the airport with it?"

Searching the room, you spotted the Princess Peach doll on her bed and nearly sprinted out of the door. "I got it. When is your flight again?"

"Boarding is in another hour and a half."

Shit. You scrambled to snatch your keys and shoved the doll in your purse. "Okay, I'll leave now and meet you at departures, okay? Tell Cookie mommy's on the way."

You hung up and made a mad dash down to the parking garage. The airport was about a forty-five minute drive from your place, not including traffic or any other delays like the predictable Seoul rush hour.

At his own apartment, Simon was lounging on his couch, laptop on his chest as he worked. Loco was right next to him, on Face Time with the one and only Jay Park as he was at the airport.

"Have a safe flight," Loco was saying before Kiseok slid shoulder-to-shoulder with him.

"Get there and back in once piece, boss," the oldest one teased and Jay laughed. Unfortunately, he was distracted a little too long because he suddenly collided into a woman. The phone fell, face up and there were suddenly two faces on the screen.

His body guards reacted immediately and made sure the two were alright. Mildly interested, the two on the other side of the line watched on.

"I-I'm so sorry, oh God, I'm just in a rush." The woman's voice was so eerily familiar to Kiseok that he took a second to strain to hear it over the airport commotion.

Jay was off to the side, picking up his passport and other belongings that fell. "Nah, it's alright. Are you okay?"

"I'm fine, thank you. Again, I'm so sorry I wasn’t- Is this your phone?"

Without further ado, the woman picked up Jay's phone, and Kiseok felt his eyes bulge out of his skull when her face came into view.

What was Y/N doing in the airport? Loco didn't notice the other's tense reaction and simply waved at the stranger. You didn't seem to glance at the screen, yet they could easily notice your tear-stained cheeks, and just passed it back to the owner.

Over Jay reassuring her that it was fine for the third time, a loud and very male voice yelled. "Y/N! There you are!"

With another apology, you left the frame and turned towards the male voice. Jay watched the interaction for a second before continuing on his way, which was conveniently right past you. Loco was talking to the CEO like that didn't just happen when Kiseok saw you in the frame again. He was positive it was you this time around.

You wore that over-sized gray sweater that he thought was so cute on you, hair tied messily and hugging a handsome foreigner tightly. He pulled back from the hug and pushed back some pieces of your hair from your face before smiling, his lips moving. Staring up to him, you nodded, wiping your face with your sleeves. He brought you back to his chest, arms around your shoulders.

Involuntarily, Kiseok felt his jaw clench at the display of affection. His eyes tore from the phone quicker than he meant to, causing his junior to stare at him in confusion.

For the rest of the night, Loco was warily watching as the older man was fuming next to him. There was hardly any movement from his part and he was sure he was in a coma until Simon wiped out his phone, tapping it a few times before pressing it to his ear.

“Nayoung? It’s been a while. Are you free right now?”

Almost choking on his coke, Hyukwoo coughed. Why was Kiseok calling her, of all people? Once the call wrapped up, he nervously voiced his concern, “Hyung...Why are you calling her at this hour..?”

He didn’t get an immediate response, instead, Kiseok stood and glared with the power of a thousand suns at the TV in front of them.

“Am I not single? Can I not do what I want, with whoever I want, too?”

Without any further explanation, he stormed out of the apartment all together.

Hyukwoo stared after the front door in confusion. “Too?”

[calypsoff]

Twenty One. Part 3

Dragging the chair from the vanity table, Robyn hasn’t moved or said anything yet and the aura in the room is pretty thick. The only thick aura I am used too is when it’s sexual tension but this aura, it’s heavy. This whole room is seeping hurt and pain, it’s like Robyn has been living in this room without even allowing air to enter it. Like she has been holding onto something, I didn’t place the chair too close, I want to give her space. Sitting down on the chair, placing the bear on my lap facing Robyn “we are listening” she smiled, she actually smiled, and it was most pleasing to see, it was a slight smirk but something “can I ask? Like before you say anything?” maybe I should let her speak but I need to ask her this “sure” I hope this doesn’t stop her from wanting to tell me “why did you let me go and why with all the sudden lies, why did you do that to me and made me look stupid?” that really just pissed me off that she even did that to me, I didn’t deserve that from her at all “if I speak will you listen to me, I mean listen to me and don’t speak over me? You will let me finish off without getting annoyed with what I say, without you getting up in a huff. I will tell you everything, but I need you to promise me this because this is hard on me not you. You don’t know how hard this is for me Chris and when I am finished speaking you can then either walk away or I don’t know do what you need to do. And no I haven’t cheated, I never cheated. This has nothing to do with cheating, I want to mention that before you jump because I know your mind. You are thinking I cheated, I never but it’s my journey so please let me talk, if you love me” now I am thinking what the fuck could it be, this is hard because I am thinking all sorts, but I do love Robyn so much “I promise” she breathed out, like that was hard for her to even do.

I didn’t, well don’t want to tell him, but I don’t feel free and he can be so nasty so I am expecting the worst for him, to even say it’s my fault because he never wanted that, but I need to free myself, but I will never be free. I have been so empty inside since, I am so lost within myself. I am walking with no soul, I have frantically been searching for something to tell me that I will be ok but there is nothing, I haven’t mourned, I am still just reliving my moment, reliving the fact I really just killed my own baby, and nobody can tell me otherwise “I am listening?” Chris said breaking my train of thought “I came back to California and threw myself into work, preparations for this worst mistake of my life, preparations took over, from day to night. Everything was so rushed because I wanted to be with you in Mexico. I wanted to spend time with you for your birthday so my schedule was compact, and when I could, I slept but that was short lived because I had not much time to prepare, this is a big deal. First time any record label is doing such a thing and I felt half prepared for that moment, so I just rehearsed as much as I could, helped prepare. Then yes, I neglected you because you were the easiest too, I neglected my own family but maybe I should have thought. I could have told Tina to text you but it’s not her job too, you say I could have text you but what would one text do for you? I knew deep down that you would be annoyed, I had so much going on. Last minute album things, I was late on my period, but I put it behind me because my work, it comes first and I needed to excel, I needed to perform and make people happy.”

“I arrived on the plane, greeted the fans and paparazzi, journalist that came to hound me. I got on the plane and you weren’t there, but you were on the plane. Take off, before I could react Jay Brown told me to sit, I have to sit because it’s take off. We took off, I went into first class to speak to some journalists, I have to do it. I have no choice in that, but you weren’t there and then I get asked, I get asked why my boyfriend is in the back and why he attacked another journalist. Jay took me out of the situation, and I was angry at you, Mel said she would go and get you and then you know the rest because you came. But my mood died when I got back to California, I was being erratic, I was being mean, hurtful. My body was being pushed so much that I ended up being robotic, I was pushing myself so much because I needed to impress, I had too, this is what I get paid for. Record label spending millions for this but I ignored myself, my body. And we had that disagreement, it was on me. You have never been or done something like this before, so this was me, my fault. We were angry at each other through the whole thing, while I was angry I had to perform, I was going through changes I could feel, I was dropping dead sleeping. I don’t even remember how I got on the plane, I didn’t until you said I carried you. Carried me? I was confused, I couldn’t eat because I felt sick. But I had to party, I had to show that I was having fun, I looked to you, but you weren’t having fun. You were just there to catch me; you saw the bad side of it and I get why you hated it. Oh my god” I breathed, I swallowed hard, this is so hard “then it’s getting to the end, and I feel even worse. My feet are sore, my whole body is. I am drinking, smoking. Taking painkillers” I dragged out, my baby had no chance of living when I was acting like that and I am a shit person. I knew, I should have known, my body was screaming help and I pushed myself.

I can feel the tears forming, I can feel the build-up. My stomach is in knots, speaking it out loud is so hard “I was not doing well” I swallowed hard “I really wasn’t” my voice broke “I wasn’t, and it’s the last date. My album is out but I have no strength in me to even care, the last date. I got backstage for the last date and fell to my knees as I got there, it was empty the room. The pain was horrible, so horrible I fell to my knees and then Mel came behind me and asked me am I ok, lifting me up. She locked the door; I don’t know where you were or the entourage, but Mel held them off. I am in a daze and I just feel wet, I feel so wet. And I tell Mel, and she drags me up and pulls me to the bathroom and I am bleeding” a stray tear fell “my period started, but this isn’t right. This is painful, but the knocks at the door. Mel helped me, she helped me clean myself up. I was in pain, I had the shakes, the pain was immense, but I prayed to god that he would get me through it, and he did, it got lighter, but I knew it. I did, but I went on stage and performed. And even though I was lost in my own thoughts, I performed. Then we came back to the hotel, you got me the pads I needed, I wasn’t lying about that Chris. I was so scared, Mel told me that I should keep you entertained while we find out what is happening. The blood wasn’t right and I saw something I wish I never saw” my voice strained “I went to the toilet, and that wasn’t no regular period” this is getting so hard, Chris hasn’t moved at all but he did and he moved to sit forward, I can’t believe he remained so silent “I went to the hospital Chris, I was in the hospital that whole night” wiping the tears that fell, my voice strained “I was in the hospital, and the doctor told me I was dehydrated that I need to be put onto a IV line which happened. He then needed to do another blood test” taking in a deep breath, I am trying so hard not to breakdown and cry because I want to get it out “he gave me my results and I knew from when he walked in he was sad for me, I just knew it. When I was on stage, I was singing Stay knowing I was going through a miscarriage, I was losing the baby because of me” my hands are shaking, wiping the tears that fell.

So much is being said that I am lacking on what is happening, maybe I do know but I am playing dumb to it. I am stunned, rubbing my hands together. Looking up at Robyn that is trying to keep herself together, but slowly she is breaking. Her mask is breaking, and the tears are flowing but I am stunned, I can’t even say it. She was pregnant is what I am gathering, the word why nearly slipped from my mouth, but I held it off. I need to just have some air, getting up from the chair. I need some air; she was pregnant, and I just need to gather my thoughts. I wasn’t expecting this, I was expecting her to say this. I walked off without a word, I don’t know what to say. I feel like I have been set up, I have been set up by Mel and her, I am too stunned because I thought she was going to say she cheated on me or some shit but that, a whole baby. I stumbled over my own feet, what felt like a long time I reached the door. Holding onto the handle, the sound hit me. The sound I was blocking from my head space, my heart just dropped hearing Robyn cry. Looking behind me and her crying just involuntary bought tearss to my eyes, the grip on the door handle tightened “Robyn” turning on myself, walking back to Robyn. She is making me cry with the way she is crying “it’s going to be ok” wrapping my arms around her “I am did it to me, I lost our baby because I was being selfish. It didn’t have no chance, I never gave it a chance” rubbing Robyn’ back, she is a wreck, but I am letting her just speak because she needs too.

Placing my hand over hers as I sat down next to Robyn on the bed, using my free hand to rub any excess tears that fell, something so unexpected to me. I have a whole headache now; this was not what I was expecting “so you were pregnant?” I had to ask again; I don’t know why because she doesn’t deserve to relive it, but I just need to hear those words from her “I was pregnant” taking in a sharp breath, not something I wanted in life right now but something I didn’t want Robyn to go through either “so when you were crying on stage, it wasn’t because you were overwhelmed. You knew something was wrong” I just need to hear these words again, it’s hard to digest this because I was stood right there and I was like she is really into this “yes” she mumbled, that is crazy. Moving my hand away from hers, placing my hands over my face. I am just trying to digest this, she was really pregnant, and she lost it, but she performed on that stage when she was going wrong and I left her, but how was I supposed to know. Moving my head back away from my hands “you’re so fucking strong” wrapping my arms around her again “I am really not” this is crazy to me, I can’t believe it and I can’t believe that she was pregnant.

I feel awful “why didn’t you tell me this Robyn, why didn’t you just tell me. I left you at that moment Robyn. I walked away because I was fed up but I feel bad, you dealt with this alone. You was losing a whole baby while singing, I’ve been bad to you” I feel bad “you didn’t want kids and you made that clear, I couldn’t process that and then tell you that I am going through a miscarriage when you are already angry so I just kept it to me. I let you go because I couldn’t, I feel so hallow inside, my stupidity” nodding my head “I know I said that, but I wouldn’t want you to go through pain all on your own, that is not me Robyn. Really isn’t me, why are you sleeping in bloody sheets?” I got up form the bed, I remembered “I uhm, I saw this” Robyn paused shallowing back “I uhm, when I was bleeding excessively, I saw like a bean sized thing. It was tiny and oh my god” Robyn sobbed out resting her head on my chest, wrapping my arms around Robyn slowly. She is hurting so much, like this is some painful cry “stop it” she is making me cry again, I feel bad that I got her pregnant in the first place and then I just left her “you know you wasn’t alone in this, you never were” rocking with Robyn in my arms slowly, cradling Robyn as she cried out.

Closing the bedroom door slowly, Robyn fell asleep. She is cried out and I for one need the air, I waited a little, but she is asleep. Am I a bad guy, this is what keeps going through my mind. Why didn’t I just care, I do care but I just didn’t want a baby just yet, was that so bad of me. Walking down the steps ever so slowly, I am drained and hurt. I slumped down and sat on the step, placing my hands over my face. My reaction to Robyn being pregnant would have been annoyance but I would have got over it, I didn’t want this for her at all and I feel so bad. I am guilty of disappearing when she was going through that “I guess you know” moving my hands back “I wasn’t expecting that” clenching my jaw, I am angry at me “she was so scared to tell you, the reason being is because she told me you didn’t want kids and she didn’t want you to be mean to her about the whole thing, she didn’t want to hear it when she is going through a miscarriage. Is she asleep?” nodding my head “she is right, but I didn’t want her in pain, that is not my intention. I just requested that we wait it out until I am stable, but it’s happened now, and I feel like shit” what a mess “only you could have done this Chris. I tried so hard, she wasn’t responding to me like she has you, I will leave you alone to think. I am around if you need to talk” I think I have spoken so much, my mind is just so full of information, this is crazy.

[hazzabeeforlou]

On the eve of HS2, I felt I needed to reflect and write a diary entry of sorts, an ode to where I was and where I am now, a musing on how HS1 ushered in a whole new world for me. This is long and more personal than anything I’ve previously shared, but in honor of vulnerability and maybe helping someone else who’s struggling... here it is. 

The most exposure 2015 me had to pop music was occasionally listening to ‘hits’ radio. My old art teacher in high school had blasted the classics of the 60s and 70s daily, so I knew those, albeit not the names, but the music, the style, the melodic tropes and such. 2015 me didn’t have much time for pop music. I was getting a fancy degree in classical music from one of the best conservatories in the world, and I’d made it there after four years with a highly abusive teacher in undergrad who gave me horrible anxiety; by the end, whenever she would walk into a room, I would get chills and start shaking. She delighted in lying to me, in calling me out in front of my peers. Worse, I was arguably her highest-achieving student. The day I got into Juilliard she took me for “tea” to celebrate, where she proceeded to spend the whole time telling me how she had made this happen, how her connections got me to NY, how I should be grateful. 

Entering the world of NYC and Juilliard I was an awestruck, anxious mess. Everything moved too fast, the school was overwhelming, my studio mates were famous already, some of them having won world-famous competitions and been on the cover of magazines. I was in the elite place, a place my working class roots had never prepared me for. My dad was a millwright. He went to work every day in steel-toed boots and overalls and often returned so filthy mom wouldn’t let him wash his clothes in the household washing machine. But I was nothing if not adaptable, and grateful, and charming, and I did my best. I worked hard. But my health kept deteriorating. 

All through undergrad I’d been feeling progressively worse. I had horrible acne that I presumed was caused by stress, as I’d never suffered with it in high school. I was already an introvert, but body insecurity led me to hardly ever socialize. I would spent hours getting ready for things, never willing to show my bare face. But that wasn’t the worst; I’d developed what I now understand was an eating disorder, because no matter how much I exercised or dieted, I kept gaining weight, or rather, I lost all my baby fat but remained the same scale number. I kept telling my mother I was fat. I didn’t tell her that I hated the wind, that I hated running, because it made my stomach protrude and the whole world could see the extra pounds I carried. I never made an appointment with an OBGYN because I didn’t date much less have sex, and my mother had told me, well you don’t ever need to be seen until you do. I came to NYC well versed in wearing baggy sweaters and scarfs that hid my form. And for two years, as my breathing got worse and worse, as my energy levels dropped, as my skin hurt and itched, I pushed forwards. I remember practicing one day and my eyes going black. I couldn’t see, I couldn’t breathe. 

It was getting into an international competition that saved me. I got the news in early May of 2016; I jumped around my room and I started coughing, and the next day a hernia appeared above my belly button. I was only slightly worried, but I went to see the Juilliard doctor. She asked if I’d gained weight, she said even a couple pounds could do it. I was, as always, ashamed, red faced, embarrassed as she prodded around on my torso. 

She said I’d need surgery. So I scheduled it in NYC for two days after my graduation. I played my recital, but with a binder around my abdomen. I couldn’t breathe, I couldn’t remember my memorized music. I nearly passed out. I stumbled on the sidewalk afterwards. 

When I woke from the surgery I was in blinding pain, teeth chattering uncontrollably, in shock. I couldn't open my eyes, and every breath felt like knives slicing into my chest. I heard the nurses say, “We’ve given you three IVs of Percocet, do you want us to give you a forth?” I said no, thinking, ‘what if I die from an overdose?’ After two hours my mother came in search of me. It was supposed to be a day surgery. She demanded morphine. They sent me home on it, but two days later I’d thrown up twice and was back in the ER. A CT showed I had an ovarian cyst. The doctor said to me, “It’s 28 inches. It’s the size of a dinner plate.” I didn’t understand. They rushed me back for another surgery, and asked me to sign a paper saying I wouldn’t hold them responsible if I ended up paralyzed. I signed it. I joked with the nurses before they put me under. I was shaking with pain. I thought, if this is the end, I’ve had a good life. I’ll be with my doggy, my baby puppy. I’ve graduated from my dream school. I’ve gotten into an elite international competition. I’ll go out at the top of my game. It’s okay. 

But then I woke up. Over the next year, I would wish countless times that I hadn’t. I could barely walk. I couldn’t lift things like a fork, or my computer. I couldn’t shower or cough or even shit. I couldn’t practice or sit upright for more than fifteen minutes. Pain became a constant. I started to wake up with night sweats, my forehead creased in subconscious pain. I would jump at every loud noise, my heart lurching like a ruined engine, and I couldn’t remember names of flowers. I fell into a massive depression over the next few months, made worse by the 2016 election; because of my infirmity I had moved back home with my Trump-voting parents. The bravest thing I did that fall was ‘come out’ as a liberal on Facebook. My parents pretended not to notice when I stayed up late that cold November night, huddled with a blanket on the couch, crying my eyes out.

The Christmas 2016 season is a blur. I know I half lived in memories, half in grief, but all in self-pitying misery. I remember reading a passing article about Jay, not knowing who it was, and I remember adding a lost mother to the list of things I cried about. How could the world be so cruel, so unfair? My days were filled with PT and sleep, immobility and exhaustion, and questions, questions like if I can’t do what I love, what I’ve spent years training for, what’s the point? What does it mean to be an artist when you can’t do your art? What is left of me that matters? Is the future only more pain? It would have been better to have died. It would have been better to have died. 

Up until this point I had been unlucky in love. I could never find men attractive, though many friends pressured me to try, which of course had led to not good things. I’d been confronted a couple times about maybe being gay, but I’d shot this down immediately, my face bright red, my heart pounding. No, that’s not it, I’m just picky. Two girls in grad school had flirted with me; I’d accidentally gone on a date with one. I’d felt deeply, gut-wrenchingly uncomfortable about her. But how could I ever unpack all of that when just coming out as a liberal had given me anxiety for days...  

The new year came and I had nothing to look forward to. I could see no happy future. I wasn’t really in my right mind. I would escape as best I could, perhaps in masochistic ways; I’d watch SNL for humorous liberal comfort, and Colbert to feel some spark of angry solidarity. And that’s how I stumbled on Harry. He got me with his puns, because I love those. For the first time in months, I was giggling about something, this charming boy with curls and dimples who had replaced the scream-speech of James Cordon. For once I didn’t turn the tv off after Colbert. 

I began listening to Harry’s songs. As I had no reference for contemporary pop music, his old school rock album was familiar to me in a comforting way. I knew these sounds, these tropes, and yet they didn’t feel stale to me, they spoke to something I was feeling in the present. Because the album, in essence, was about pain, wasn’t it? Pain and escaping it. The lies we tell to survive, the dreams we cling to for hope, the drugs we use to forget. I’d never bought a pop album before, Harry was my first, and I listened to it for hours every day. 

HS1 seeped into my blood, but I’d been on a hopeless, aimless track for so long that the railway tie hadn’t yet switched. One warm, sunny spring day I wrote a note, filled a bag with rocks, and walked to the old bike trail, out past the freeway, into the marshes and pools of abandoned swampy wasteland. FTDT played in my head on a loop as I walked, as my brain hummed with the equation of worth. Was it worth it to stay alive?

Yes. I threw the rocks. I threw them as far as my fragile arms would allow, and they splashed into the murky water. And I turned around and called my mom to come get me. Harry had made something that was beautiful, that was touching, that was real. And if he could... then maybe I could too. Maybe I didn’t have to be just what I’d been before. Maybe I could try creating other things; maybe I could make art that, like Harry’s music, made other people feel less alone. 

There was something magical about that album. Not freedom, per se, but the promise of it, a glimpse of truth that kept me hanging on. 

I began writing poems again, songs. I got into an orchestra program, I healed month by month, I started carrying crystals, I found this crazy fandom and, little by little, grew to understand that my yearning upon looking at baby larry videos was really a cry of sameness that I had never before understood. After the Pulse shooting, during my horrible homebound year, I’d watched Lin-Manuel Miranda give his love is love is love speech, and I’d burst into tears. And I’d not known why. Now I began to realize. I remember the first tentative anon I sent to Phoenix @alienfuckeronmain asking if maybe I was... bi? I remember anxiously awaiting her answer, as if I needed an invitation to join the community, to be valid, to have this not just be a crazy swelling of hope in my chest. She replied while I was wandering through a corn maze in the frigidness of October. The next day I walked into rehearsal and I felt free, free of the way boys looked at me, free of being FOR them, and I’d never felt so... alive. Coincidentally I met my ex girlfriend that day too. 

Through Harry I found this fandom, and Louis. Louis, who has spoken to me on levels I cannot even express, whose class and political and emotional intelligence have challenged me to stand up for things I never thought I could. For me these last few years have felt like a journey WITH Harry. As he started waving them, I started wearing rainbows, just subtly. A knit scarf, a postcard, a bag. I started writing fic, the most healing thing I’ve ever done. I learned to create art away from the singular thing I’d been trained to dump my all into, and I learned that I have so much more to offer, even if chronic pain will follow me in some way or another for the rest of my life. 

I’m so thankful to Harry for taking me on this adventure with him; I don’t know if I’d have ever taken that first step by myself. It was like he held my hand through it all, like this fandom held my hand through it all. Like by being himself, Harry helped me be brave enough to evolve too. 

Through the catalyst of Harry’s art I’ve experienced more happiness than I’d have ever imagined. I cannot wait to go on this next journey, a second album, and reflect on just how far we’ve both come. 

[survivor-mesopotamia]

Ep. #4 - “I’m extending a bridge to you” (Zach)

There is zero upside to being captain. If captains are swapped, then I'm basically screwed, and if they pick, then I have to reveal my allegiances to people still in the game. I absolutely do not want to be captain. I'm not crazy about Zach being it either, I'd prefer it to be someone like Kyle or Grace, but if Zach is going to push for it we will see what happens

https://youtu.be/9jTSUqwcuPU Confessional 7 (Round 3 #2)

Voting out Chrissa was probably one of the hardest votes I've ever had to encountered, and it honestly really hurts. For me, voting her out was the best strategically because we talked the least. And by the time tribal started, I ended up in alliances of 3 with Will & Megan and JJ & Julian respectively. Given the ranking system, we are all expecting some sort of tribe swap, which might be best for my game so long as I have someone else on my tribe with me. However, JJ recently got into a lot of trouble. Stuff about sending nudes because he "perceived there to be consent". Yikes. Apparently other people know about it too, which makes sense because this call happened in tengaged about it. We are thinking he might be removed, but we don't know what's to happen yet. I think most of us are running under the assumption that he'd be voted out next tribal should he not be removed. It's pretty gross what he did, and I definitely won't be aligned with him any longer. 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VTzwD-rR8Ws&feature=youtu.be

I am happy JJ is out of the game, both because he deserves it based on his behavior and because one less number. The tribe challenge has me worried. I hope it is a challenge with Zach representing us, because he is good and it also keeps him a bigger target than me. If it's a swap, I'm very nervous and will probably have to paint myself as being on the outs if I end up in a minority, which would almost certainly happen relative to the other two tribes. No matter what, the backstabbing is probably going to start very soon, so buckle your seatbelts everyone.

Confessional 9: https://youtu.be/WhBt-uWOdEA Confessional 10: https://youtu.be/1ZbVWE-2AqM

volunteering for the summit bc im bored and wanna just be a bit risky. i feel like if a twist gets leashed upon me, it'll be surface level. Praying for the best!

Tribe Summit - https://youtu.be/46NdXf1N37U

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TeX4PKTjQlw&feature=youtu.be

https://youtu.be/96RCT99DDWI Confessional #8 (Round 4 Confessional #1) Contents: JJ's removal, the summit, Kyle's removal, new tribe.

Holy shit so we've had a tribe swap and two removals. Both kinda shocking and completely out of the blue what had happened. Oddly still not the craziest thing I've seen done on either end of org playing but still. So far with the new tribe I feel I got the good end of the stick with zach and Collin and myself staying together for the most part kinda wish we had all stayed together because of you know being out numbered by returning players there's the enitial Holy shit fuck I'm screwed feeling but so far the tribe seems pretty cool. Which is odd and weird from what I've heard for Tumblr games from my understanding they're the more cutthroat game but so far everything has kinda been predictable in placements just as an outsider looking in but ya know. So far I'm really enjoying Abby she seems pretty cool and like I could work with her for a while but yeah that's all for now

post swap BIG boy confessional https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UyooK5AHp1Y&feature=youtu.be

https://youtu.be/6IrXzJm6qNk

---

https://youtu.be/MoJSBeUUdWQ

https://youtu.be/CSKB4qzvWU0 Group Confessional #1 Catching up on Each other's games and preparing for what the swap has in store for us

Uhm hi so a lot has happened and I'm sorry I didn't do confessionals before describing it all but yah -Not sure if I did a conf for the last round but basically the challenge was more flash games (yay fml) and my tribe flopped yet again (yay) -We decided to vote out chrissa unan but chrissa apparently voted for me so that was cute, already breaking my goal of not getting votes so early THANKS CHRISSA -Then JJ got removed from the game for sexually harassing ppl which is NOT COOl but then my tribe was down to four members and thats just sad luv -Then there was a random ass ranking for this summit thing and i was like wtf i dont know but I kinda figured id be getting voted as the team captain for my tribe which like eeeek could potentially put a target on my back but also i like these people and i think they like me so i'll just accept it -turns out the other tribe captains voted in were Johnny and Zach and I was like well thats cute tbh i think i like both of them (i have been on zoom calls in friend groups with zachary lately and although he is pretty quiet he seems like a nice person) (and i think i know johnny from a sequester mini before and hes a brother of aepi which is basically the partner fraternity to the sorority i was in called aephi and so were basically connected by greek life blood because hes a pi and im a phi and yas Jews -Okay anyway i volunteer to not be a tribe captain because 1. i didnt want the blood on my hands for picking a tribe (memories of svalbard ahhhh) and 2. i wanted to be on johnny's tribe hehehehe. so i did that and then i let johnny pick first and guess what!! he picked me first on his tribe!! even before anyone from his og tribe!! i thought that was weird but really cool -the new tribe seemed pretty cool and chill and i thought i was digging everyone BUT THEN kyle makes fucking COMMENTS ABOUT JEW STEREOTYPES and i was like SIR and i kinda missed everything in the heat of the moment but basically kyle got removed and im not surprised he did because to my knowledge, i already know of three fkn jews on our tribe (benji me and johnny) and we have a jew host so like why kyle would make comments like that is beyond me but WHY DO I KEEP GETTING PUT ON TRIBES WITH CRAZY PPL -anyway right now i adore johnny and i want to work with him i feel like he and i vibe so well together and we are already planning on making a stoner alliance with abi and jay from his OG tribe lmfaooo -i also like grace and julian on my tribe and benji so far is really cool and isabelle is a sweetheart so i really just hope we dont lose the next challenge and have to vote someone out because i like these people so far and i wanna get to know them more -this has been a really mentally difficult week both in game and in real life and im sorry i havent been doing more confessionals but ive really just needed a huge break due to everything thats been going on 

I've locked in a five person alliance with original An (Johnny Isabelle and Benji), plus Adam. Johnny I'm connected to with Trace, Isabelle and I somehow both go to Georgetown, and I like speaking with Benji. I don't know how this alliance interacts with original alliance, that's future me's problem, but I really like this group

---

If Megan “may have accidentally” found out information from the other tribe, then I “may have accidentally” decided to shift the target onto her. Somebody not purely abiding by the rules of the game is somebody I won’t completely trust

So JJ and Kyle both got removed. OOP!!! Now to figure out how messy this game is gonna be. Will Will and I be able to play middle for our first tribal and get to choose between returnees and newbies? hopefully. More on that scoop later! 

https://youtu.be/vGd9Ik49CmU Confessional #10 (Round 4 Confessional #3)

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=stpzz7-cKUg

Confessional 11: https://youtu.be/ad2R99H1g1k

https://youtu.be/PjodrB6CgLo

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https://youtu.be/y0n7YKB0EF0

NOOOOOOO HOW COULD WE OF LOST we had everything planned i do feel kinda safe I've talked to abby mostly and i think i have a girls alliance in the works with her but for now being the only two female identifying people on the tribe. We have to pull in some boys but we've got our old tribe mates which lucky for me is my main alliance from that tribe not having Michael is a big yay because love him but pretty sure he was planning on flipping on us to work with some people from the an tribe but ya know it is what it is and hopefully this is the only trival Council we have to go to and hopefully from the sounds of it it's Eric going home so hopefully that's the case and i don't end up voinv home because FYCUCJUCK THAT SHIT

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=D9YueU_paNg&feature=youtu.be

---

Of the players left on my tribe, I think Megan is the biggest threat to my game, with many cross-tribe ties. Last night, I began laying the groundwork with Johnny of eventually making her the target, without expressly stating my desire to vote her out. We'll see how this plays out, but I want Megan out first

---

From the other tribe, I badly want an original An to go. It takes away an option from the Ans on my swap tribe and locks them in more with me, while preserving my options. On the flip side, a Triforce member going is the worst case scenario for the exact same reason as above, this time benefiting original An. Original Enlil going is fairly neutral

https://youtu.be/7IpJ1SC2ah8

So we lost :( It really sucks bc i put more effort into my lip sync than I think I ever have before. And of course with losing comes tribal, the first tribal for some people on my new tribe. I don't think I've done a confessional since we swapped so I'll just run down how I feel about everyone. Monty/Abby - Just gonna bunch these two together since they were on my original tribe. While they weren't in my alliance, I bonded with them like I bonded with everyone on An. We made an alliance immediately at Ea and I feel real good about facing this swap with them. Part of me does worry they knew about that original alliance and they'll throw me under the bus though. Will - Okay so I was completely blindsided by the fact that I already knew Will before the game! We played at least 1 ORG together and I remember him a little bit from just being in the community. I feel like I've really hit it off with him again and working with him feels natural. He was the first one who threw Cameron out as a vote to me last night and a lot of people really latched onto that plan. So he's definitely charismatic and influential. Eric - I've known Eric for quite some time actually. He's someone who's very easy for me to trust. Like I really hope I'm not getting the wrong read on him but he just feels honest in our conversations. He did kinda suck in the music video challenge tho LOL so I feel like he could be in danger if we go to tribal again. Cameron - They're who I'm voting out tonight. I've had no contact with them outside of the tribe chat at all. And our interactions in the tribe chat I just feel...idk like every time I talk they give me some snide remark. Zach even told me that Cameron barely spoke to him and Collin on their original tribe. So it just feels easy, if a bit TOO easy, like I'm scared it's secretly me somehow. So I guess the upside to anxiety is you never get blindsided cuz you always think it's you. Zach - I've been talking to him more often these last few days and he is wayyy smarter than most 15 year olds I've interacted with. He knew it was Cameron immediately when I started talking to him about the vote (Though I suspect it's because Will told him). He's told me more info about his original tribe than I really thought I'd get out of him. He's basically telling me that it was Zach/Collin/Kyle vs. Cameron/The rest of the newbies. So like it makes sense that he's willing to just let Cameron go. However this situation is worrying because Zach's position is almost EXACTLY my position in a game I played very recently (703 San Andres). I've seen firsthand how a competent duo in the minority can upset the majority if just one person in that majority makes a mistake. So I'm not gonna promise Zach anything just yet, I don't want him to sell me out. But I would like to see him stick around even if we lose another time. Collin - Okay I REALLY like Collin. He's super nice, he basically compliments me every time I talk to him. Which is nice, but I know he's playing that social game. And he's playing it WELL. I think if all goes well at tribal, then I'm gonna talk to Collin about really working together going forward. Basically my overarching plan on this tribe has been to make sure that if my name comes up, there will always be someone to shut it down. And I really feel like Collin, Monty, and Eric would especially keep me safe. 

Cameron left.......it sucks, because it takes away my options, but among the Enki's it is the least bad scenario, since I was closer with Collin and Zach. I don't hold it against them for voting against Cameron, do what you gotta do, but I am nervous for them. I'm not throwing any challenges or anything, but I hope they survive, and I'm less nervous about myself losing than them

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-kWts3h2n9s

hi hi hi so far so good on the Ea tribe! i dont think anyone know about zach and i so we're remaining in the clear hehe (he has been a little difficult to corral tho) i feel like im making good connections so far so hopefully ill remain utr and if we go back to tribal i wont be a target, and if we dont i hope the other tribe takes out a big target for us

Have I mentioned that I love winning? It's just so great that nobody knows me and Monty are working together and we're subtly pulling the strings - Jay thinks he came up with Cameron's name, great he's the mastermind now and we can target him. Collin and Zach want to form a four with me and Eric - great, that keeps me and Monty apart so nobody will know and we can still vote separately. Eric's an easy target for everyone so we (Monty) just get the other returnees to target him (if we lose again) and then I can use that to flip Eric on Abby or Jay and it's just... so delicious. It's so easy to take everyone out one by one when nobody knows that you have a solid F2 already.

https://youtu.be/CVG2Z_-XjBM from this past round

https://youtu.be/yMGLsGhv6wc Confessional 12

https://youtu.be/ylahV3wyXrs

Cameron voted out 7-1

[inkribbon796]

Candy Man Can-Do

Summary: It’s November 9, and the city gets a rather colorful reminder of how powerful Warfstache is.

Chapter 1:  A Rose-Colored Trap

Next

A.N: I had a separate idea for this birthday story but story but it refused to be written, and it was too long for fit into one chapter. Chapter 2 has way more Warsftache in it, I promise.Have fun.

____________________________________________________________

    It was the first official year the Sides had lived in Egoton when the month of November rolled around. They’d been coming and going from Egoton according to where the Dark Sides were, and now that Deceit and Dark has formed a truce, the Sides were practically here to stay.

    This meant getting used to cold spells that were twenty degrees colder than they were used to. The fact that Deceit and Anxiety tended not to do much, leaving the Duke to run amok. And the fact that Warfstache’s birthday was right at the start of the month.

    The first sign that there was something wrong was when Logan woke up. He hit his alarm at seven am and got out of bed, reaching for his glasses and heading to the shower. His glasses seemed like they had an odd film over them and Logan struggled to get it off, his shower being delayed by a whole ten minutes as he fought to fix his glasses and finally gave up in frustration, taking his shower and then storming out. Logan kept close enough to the wall, so that his poor eyesight wouldn’t strain too much trying while trying to step around stuff.

    Walking down into the apartment’s kitchen, Logan fished out a second pair of glasses only to find the same blurry film on them as well.

    “Patt,” Logan called back up into the apartment where Patton and Roman’s rooms were. “Did you and Roman do something with my glasses?”

    There was nothing. Frowning, Logan slowly made his way to the stairs, putting his glasses on and just dealing with the glossy, almost pink film over his glasses. Placing a hand on the railing, Logan realized there was something wrong immediately when his hand hit cotton candy. Recoiling his hand away, Logan looked to see his entire banister was made of cotton candy, but pulling his glasses off made it turn back to normal.

    “That is not good,” Logan looked at the film over it, peering as close as possible to the glasses as he could. Whatever was wrong with his glasses it wasn’t something on top of the lens. It was in the lens.

    “Roman!” Logan called out. “What did you do to my glasses?”

    An insistent pounding came at the front door, and after hesitating, Logan fumbled his way to the door and prayed it wasn’t Remus when he opened it blindly.

    “Logan,” Dr. Iplier’s voice came at him through the brighter outside light. “Please tell me you’re still you.”

    “Doctor?” Logan asked. “My glasses aren’t working.”

    “Yeah, that’s probably how it got Patton,” Dr. Iplier pushed him back into the apartment. “The Host told me to give you these. Don’t ask how he knows your prescription, it’s not the oddest thing he’s done.”

    Logan took the glasses he was passed, a perfect match for his actual glasses, and it didn’t have the film. “What happened, if you’ve already seen Patton I trust that he and Roman are not doing well.”

    “That’s the problem, I don’t know how it started because Anxiety pulled me out. He took some convincing to set Roman free put he pulled him and Patton out. Whatever happened between you all, I think you need to call a therapist.”

    “Anxiety pulled you out of what?” Logan asked.

    Iplier frowned and marched over to the window to pull up the binds to reveal what was, to Logan, a nauseating amount of pastels and the entire city seemed to be made out of candy or some other kind of sweet. “It’s discount Candy Land! I completely forgot you guys haven’t been in town on November 9. This happens every year. Sometimes it’s just A Street and Jay Burne, sometimes it’s the area over Dark’s warehouse. Once he targeted it over the base and nowhere else because he had a problem with me. Wilford kinda goes crazy on this day, and I didn’t even realize that you three weren’t in the base until I saw Patton.”

    “What happened?” Logan asked.

    “Oh, I took pictures, Wilford’s magic completely took them over, but I’ve got the Host and Anxiety waiting, and I’m pretty sure if I leave the two of them alone together the Host will start bleeding, and then Anxiety will probably run off.”

    “Right, let me get my costume,” Logan offered.

    “Don’t put the visor on, if Wilford was able to hook his magic onto your glasses, then I guarantee you, it got onto your visor. Bring your costume, and hopefully the Host and Anxiety can do something with it.”

    “Right, of course,” Logan answered and raced into his room to grab his duffle bag he kept all his gear in, and quickly raced out with Iplier. The entire city looked like it had been dipped in a late-60’s tinged candy nightmare. Almost everyone walking on the streets looked more like cartoon caricatures of themselves than actual people. Logan recognized some of his own neighbors, and didn’t like it. The walk was unnervingly slow. 

    “Why does Warfstache do this, if he has the power to take over the whole city, then why isn’t this the status quo every day?” Logan demanded as Iplier calmly led him into a side alley, where everything seemed a bit more normal.

    “Honestly, I think he forgets he can do this,” Iplier answered. “It’s been almost fifteen years since he’s taken the entire city. Wilford’s a force of nature, it’s why Dark works with him. They don’t work for each other, they work with each other. That’s the scary part about Wilford, he survives daily encounters with Dark and neither of them have killed each other yet.”

    “The Reporter and the Entity are incapable of killing each other,” Host announced his presence and Logan jumped in surprise.

    “Is Anxiety still here?” Dr. Iplier asked.

    “I’m shocked you think so poorly of me, Doc Obvious,” Anxiety called out from the first level of the fire escape.

    “Didn’t want to push my luck,” Iplier reminded. “Just cause you freed me, doesn’t mean you’ll help me take Wilford on.”

    “Dark’s already kicked us out,” Anxiety shrugged. “What’s one more thing on the list?”

    “I appreciate it,” Iplier told him.

    “Logic,” Host held out a coffee cup, looking his way. “This is for the hour.”

    “Oh, thank you,” Logan took the cup and after a sip found it was incredibly similar to how he usually took his coffee. “This will suffice until I can get real sustenance.”

    “Wow, you just took some random cup someone gave you,” Anxiety rolled his eyes, the action barely visible under his hood. “Real smart.”

    “The Host would never poison someone,” Host defended firmly, any hint of humor gone from his voice. “There are easier ways to inflict harm and the Host has no need to harm Logic nor any of his allies.”

    “I take it you were offered a coffee as well,” Logic took another sip, the caffeine greatly improving his mood. “Host is right, he would not poison anyone.”

    “If you can’t trust them, at least take my word for it,” Dr. Iplier took a step forward. “You don’t have to take the coffee, just trust we aren’t going to sell you out.”

    Anxiety was quiet for a little bit. “Don’t know if you haven’t noticed, Doc, trust isn’t usually something I’m given, and I certainly don’t give it out.”

    A thud shook all of them from the conversation, both Logan and Anxiety jumping and looked up to see King of the Squirrels on top of the fire escape, about five squirrels hanging off of him, scurrying around him and the fire escape.

    “Coast is clear, most of the villains are waiting the storm out,” King climbed down the outside of the fire escape, Anxiety pulled his hood farther down to hide his face and backing away from him.

    “How fortunate,” Host gasped as his narrations let him speak again. “I take it Dark’s enforcers are not roaming the streets.”

    “Well one of his Lieutenants was roaming around my park, so I had to hide over here,” King responded. “He’s got some new ones, or at least one new one. But if he got rid of Bargs, you can bet he got rid of Sierra too.”

    “That only means Darkiplier is moving through the timeline faster than the Host predicted,” Host responded in concern, confusing Logan because it was abundantly clear that King and the Host were speaking in some form of code he hadn’t known they shared.

    “So what are we supposed to do?” Anxiety said, keeping his hood drawn low, especially when King looked his way. Which intrigued Logan.

    “The Host advises the Sides and Egos stand back,” Host motioned and King jumped off the fire escape to give Host some more room.

    Iplier motioned for Anxiety to come down, and he did slowly, almost falling down to keep his hood covering his face. The Host held his hands up, as if he was shuffling through papers, and blood started leaking through the bandages. Anxiety looked like a cat about to bolt back into the candy cane lined streets behind them. Logic admittedly felt a little unnerved as well at the Host’s gift. His future sight tended to still get a rise out of him.

    “Hey, Doc, is that normal?” Anxiety whispered to Iplier, his unease loosening his grip on his hood, and King studied his face. Logan could see recognition in his eyes for a moment or two.

    “Unfortunately yes,” Dr. Iplier frowned, “I’ll have to take him back to the base after this.”

    “I can take him,” King offered, keeping his voice low as Host continued to look into the future. “I can grab any of the other heroes we need when I bring him back.”

    “As much as I’d like to, I need to change his bandages and he might need a saline IV,” Iplier reported. “King, you can take Logic and Anxiety to wherever the Host needs all of you.”

    Iplier slowly moved towards the Host as his hands stilled and his head tracked down something. “Doctor,” the Host warned and Iplier was quick to move it to support the seer and keep him upright.

    “Right, I’ll take you back to the base,” the doctor told him.

    “The good doctor should listen and listen well,” the Host warned. “Let the King of the Squirrels take the Host back to the base.”

    “I’m not going to let you bleed out,” Dr. Iplier spat at him, “I’m your doctor.”

    “King cannot be present when Wilford is confronted,” the Host struggled to stand on his own, but Iplier just helped lower him to the floor. “The Red Prince is located on 8th Street. Let Wilford interview him, and he will survive. Anyone else will not survive being shot. Let Henrik treat the Host until the good doctor returns, he will survive.”

    “You better not be pulling another—” Dr. Iplier spat.

    “The Host is not,” Host spat back, blood dripping from his thoroughly soaked bandages, it was getting so bad that it starting to slip down his face. “King.”

    “Right,” King moved in, trying to get Iplier to give him the Host. “Come on, Eddy, I got him.”

    “You better,” Dr. Iplier warned.

    “I’ll take the quick route,” King smiled. “Don’t want to wind up on your bad list.”

    King quickly left with the Host, the two of them retreating into the streets to head towards the base.

    “I hate it when they do that,” Iplier glared after them. “Let’s go.”

    “Right, don’t have to tell me twice,” Anxiety commented.

[mathglitter]

uhuhuh

i was taggedby my good friend @karamatsu-boy so i figured id do this for fun!!

Rules: We’re snooping on your playlist. Put your entire music library on shuffle and list the first 10 songs, then choose 10 victims. 

im not gonna actually tag people for this but!! here

im gonna do what they did and write for each song!

BTSTU - JAI PAUL

this is kinda a hard one to explain?? i had a really good close friendship (that turned out to be toxic in the end due to my own flaws in understanding other people-its long resolved now but it still hurts) and this song reminds me STRONGLY about that entire time period before things got really really nasty. i listened to it a few weeks ago when i was visiting another friend and around like 2 am i headed to their pier (they live on a lake) and listened to the song on repeat for a long long time. it was very difficult to sleep that night but i managed

MAJOR TOM - PETER SHILLING

this one has a lot of emotional impact for me since it deals with my dad whos been the only constant in my life. we used to sing this together when i was very young in the car before things started getting really bad with my mom. i havent listened to it in a while, but its still one of the most important songs to me and ill always remember how it goes, its ingrained

POLLY - NIRVANA

this song reminds me a LOT of seventh grade, not for any specific reason, just that i used to cling to my old iPod and listen to it for a long time since it was downloaded and mine to own. its very haunting and probably my favorite nirvana song, which is crazy since theres so many

WHAT YOU KNOW - TWO DOOR CINEMA CLUB

this one hurts to talk about cause it really really REALLY reminds me of late eighth grade and how i lost a lot of myself since that year. theres a lot of bridges i burned and some that just were incidental and i miss being someone people could talk to back then. i felt like myself and although i do regard that time period as a bad time because of the way i was, i will say that it was different and better in some ways and i wish i treasured those friendships and that love when it was happening. i have learned since then, though and i love all the little things in life now since ive lost so much before

MISS YOU - BO EN

i remember this song vividly as sixth grade for me. this was a really rough time, as i had just did myself in with my first online friend group and was really self deprecating then. i didnt have a lot of friends that year and i was really bitter and alone but i bit back at some point. this song reminds me a lot of a person who i wished i could be friends with, as close as we were before, but always so out of reach by their choices that i cant ever face them properly again. its very difficult and i wish i could fix what happened, but i can only do so much, you know?

LIFE ITSELF - GLASS ANIMALS

now this one is just 2016 in general and finding myself through that year. ive loved glass animals for YEARS now and i instantly caved through this whole album. im so glad that it came out when it did cause it really impacted me and i love its sound so so so so much. its just very nostalgiac and warm to me and reminds me of several characters i love and i just.... i miss that year a lot even if it was pretty terrible all around just cause i felt empowered as a person

PORCELAIN - MOBY

i remember playing this song the last day i lived in my old house. it was very hard for me to go from there to where i am now since it was the place i was raised in for several years. i had listened to the song a few weeks before i had left to go visit my cousins in Colorado and hearing it now reminds me a lot about that whole house and everything i expirenced there. i miss my sister as well even if she only lives across the street from me, and my old room. things were simple then

NEWJACK - JUSTICE

this song is just hardcore fun and reminds me a lot of early last year, especially may!! i listened to justice a lot early last year during testing and it really empowered me. its powerful and its warm and fun and im very happy that i felt better after everything happened the year before. 2018 as a whole was really good for my self development, especially at the end, but the beginning was pretty strong too

MIRACLE - CARAVAN PALACE

this song screams the present to me. i love love LOVE caravan palace - have for years - and this song made me love them more. i consider this their best single and im addicted to it. it feels strong and good and reminds me that not everything is doomed and things can work out if you work hard enough!!! its very good

GIVE UP THE GHOST - C2C

haha... this song is very difficult to listen to... this one reminds me of my trip to dc, the summer of 2016 and the emptiness of the end of seventh grade. i was very alone that year and clung to c2c like a lifeline because most of their songs were so fun and welcoming but this one hurts me... i miss that summer. i miss a lot of things, but that time in particular is just wonderful and terrible at the same time. c2c is fantastic, go listen to their one album "tetra" i hope they release more stuff soon

anyway thats all my songs!!!!