#but kind of took a toll on me and my courage to go out in public

[einstetic]

i opened my thesis document this morning

"last edit made on June 3rd, 2023"

i feel like word is intentionally trying to make me avoid this whole thing bc that message does not make me motivated lmao

[mcuamerica]

Loving Flames | Part Four

Pairing: Eris x Fem!Reader

Summary: You and Eris finally show Prythian your love.

Warnings: 18+ only, fluff, slight mention of PTSD, (kind of proofread), let me know if anything was forgotten...

Word Count: 2.2k

Disclaimer: I do not own SJM’s characters, only the ones I create for the purpose of this story. This is a work of fiction. I do not give permission to repost my work on any other platform or medium. Please be respectful.

Dividers from @saradika-graphics

Part One | Part Two | Part Three

Tomorrow was the day you would accept the bond. That was the most important part of the day to Eris and you. For the rest of the Autumn court, it would be a wedding and a ceremony naming you High Lady.

It had been a year since you had went to Autumn, and a year since you had talked to your brother. While you had contact with Feyre and the rest of your family, you hadn't talked to Rhysand at all. You would still wake up in the middle of the night after a nightmare of being locked in your own room. It would take Eris bringing you to the garden for you to calm down and understand you were safe, you could leave. Some nights, it was so bad you'd spend the rest of the night sitting on a bench. It took a toll on both you and Eris. While you had trouble staying asleep, he had trouble falling asleep in fear he would miss your nightmare and you would be alone to work through it.

However, since you wanted your entire family at the mating ceremony, and you hadn't received a response from them, you decided to go to the Night Court yourself. Eris wanted to come with you, it was hard for him to not be there for you, but you knew this was something you had to do by yourself.

You took a deep breath once you winnowed outside the River House. In the Solar Courts, it was summer time. You spotted Rhys, now a spry four year old, running around with his two year old cousin, Lucien and Elain's daughter. While Lucien and Elain had visited Autumn, as had just about every one of your family, you were happy to see them together.

"Aunt (Y/N)!" You heard a small voice cry out, then a barreling head of black curls ran towards you. You smiled and leaned down, scooping up Nyx and pulling him close.

"Hi Nyx, are you being nice to Aster?" You asked, seeing your niece waddle up to you as well.

"Of course." He said defiantly, crossing his little arms on his chest.

You let out a laugh and set him down, giving Aster a hug before you took both of their small hands in yours. "Where are your parents?" You asked.

"I wasn't too far away." Lucien said, arms crossed as he leaned against the banister of the stairs.

You looked up and smiled. "Hi Lu," you said, walking the two children over to him. "I think a visit is in order as I haven't heard from you about the mating ceremony in Autumn." You said.

Lucien gave you a small smile. "I'm sorry about that, it's been a little crazy around here." He said.

You hummed, still feeling slightly left out of the family. "Is Rhys here?" You asked quietly.

Lucien nodded, taking Aster in his arms when she held her hands up. "In the living room." He said. You led Nyx into the house as well, watching as he scampered off to the living room where his mother's laughs filled the room.

You took a deep breath as Lucien called out your arrival, gathering the courage to step into the living room.

Everyone, save for Rhys, stood up to greet you. You smiled softly and hugged all of them, glad to see your family together. You felt empty without Eris beside you, but you felt a light tug on the bond at the thought, knowing he could feel your nerves.

They all decided to go outside and give you space with Rhys, of course after asking you if it was okay. When you assured them it would be fine, they filed out to the front yard.

You looked at Rhys as he stood up. "Hi." He said quietly.

"Hi." You said.

"I'm sorry." He said, the only thing he's been able to say for the past year. In letters, in sending you solstice and Starfall gifts.

"I know."

"How can I make this better?" He asked.

You took a deep breath. You had thought about this a lot. Talked it through with Eris many times. "I want to make a bargain with you. I will forgive you if you promise to never lock me up again... and you will accept Eris and I as mates. And support us as such." You said.

"I promise." He said immediately. You felt a tattoo appear on the back of your shoulders, mimicking the ones that Rhys had from completing the Blood Rite. "You deserve them... you've been through more than I can imagine." He said. "And I promise, truly, (Y/N), that I will never harm you again. And I will always talk to you before trying to protect you."

You smiled, walking closer to him and hugging him tightly. "I've missed you." You said. "Now, please tell me you will come to this ceremony? And the rest of our family?" I asked.

"I told them to go, they didn't want to until we made up..." He said.

"I figured... They are still very loyal to you. Though how bad did Cass and Az beat you up when they found out what you did?" You asked as you pulled away.

"To a pulp." He said and smiled a bit. "And Feyre banished me to the cabin for a month. I couldn't leave." He said.

"You deserved it." You said, nudging him.

"I did... and so much more. But I'm happy to see you happy.. even if it's with Eris." You rolled your eyes at the comment. "He really is a good male?" He asked.

You nodded, smiling softly. "I love him, Rhys. And he's been nothing but incredible for me." You said. "And I want you there when we accept the bond... and I become High Lady." You said.

He smiled, ruffling your hair. "High Lady of Autumn... What a twist. Imagine what father would think." He joked.

"I'm pretty sure he would die before seeing me as High Lady of anything, nonetheless Autumn." You said.

Rhys chuckled and nodded, looking at you for a few moments. "You've become an incredible female, (Y/N). I'm very proud of you." He said, pulling you in for another hug. "And I really hope we never fight again. Because this past year has sucked without you." He said.

You smiled softly and hugged him back. "Yeah, I know."

You stood in front of the mirror in your closet, smoothing down the golden dress you had on. Deep red swirls with golden sparkles embedded in the embroidery ran from your waist to your feet. There was a thin fabric attached to the straps, flowing down your back as a cape. That had matching red swirls in lace, intricately sewn into the see-through fabric. Your hair was up in a braid, circling the back of your head, with two golden leaf clips holding it back. You were the epitome of Autumn, the only thing not matching was your violet eyes, matching ones to Rhys. Still, they stood out amongst the gold and accentuated your features.

You sensed Eris enter the room before you heard him. "I might just have to accept the bond right here. I don't know if I can deal with that many males looking at you when you look so incredible." He said.

You smiled and turned towards him. "You're going to have to get used to it, because our people need a level-headed High Lord." You said.

Our people. Not only his people, but yours too. "Hmm.. I thought that's why I chose you as my High Lady..." He said and smirked. "Truly, princess, you are breath-taking. Beautiful. Gorgeous. The Mother herself would drop dead in your presence." He said.

Heat rose to your cheeks as you walked towards him, your red and gold heels clicking on the hardwood floor. "You flatter me too much, High Lord." You teased, leaning up to kiss his cheek.

His hands came to your waist, pulling you closer to him. "There is no such thing." He said and leaned down, placing a soft kiss on the top of your head. "You still won't tell me the food you're going to offer me, should I be scared?" He asked.

You laughed and shook your head. "Do you trust me?" You asked, stroking his cheek with your thumb. He leaned into your touch, smiling against the gentle gesture.

"Of course. With my life." He said.

"Then no, you should not be scared." You said and pecked his lips. "Would the High Lord escort me to the temple?" You teased.

He smiled, letting you take his arm as he winnowed you to the temple, where guests from all courts were filing in. You spotted your family standing outside, waiting for you and Eris to appear.

"I will see you inside." You said, kissing his cheek. "Please don't kill my brother at the dais." You said, squeezing his hand.

Eris gave you a wink before slinging his arm around Lucien's shoulders and leading him inside where their mother was waiting. Elain followed, along with the rest of the Inner Circle, all giving you hugs of good luck before following them along.

You looked at Rhys as he stayed behind. "You look wonderful," He said.

You smiled gently and hummed. "Thank you for not wearing black to the ceremony." You said, noticing his dark green tunic and pants. All of your family had been dressed in similar dark colors, but all reminiscent of Autumn.

"It would be improper to deny the wish of a bride. And future High Lady." He said, pulling you in for a hug.

When you pulled away, you heard the procession music begin to play. "Will you escort me to Eris?" You asked him. "I can go by myself-"

"I will escort you. See it as a symbolic gesture of giving him my trust to protect you." Rhys said, offering his arm to you.

You smiled as you took his arm, starting to walk down the middle aisle of the temple. You looked around at all of the fall flowers and decorations, courtesy of Elain's garden here. You smiled as you saw Eris grinning happily, shifting on his feet. If you didn't know better, you would say he was nervous.

You sent a slight tug on the bond as you walked down the aisle, smiling as you saw his smile grow. Soon the bond would be even stronger. You were excited to feel it in full force, but you knew it would take time.

You took a deep breath as you reached the front, smiling as Rhys kissed your cheek, shaking Eris's hand before he went to sit next to Feyre. You took Eris's hand when he offered it and stepped onto the dais. "Still as handsome as ever." You complimented, smoothing down his golden tunic, the twin to yours.

"And you're still as gorgeous as ever." He said, leaning down to place a kiss on your cheek before you turned towards the priestess together.

As the priestess finished her sermon, you and Eris faced each other, the golden ribbon you chose wrapping around your wrists and hands as you spoke the words of an Autumn wedding:

"Two hearts, one wish, two tongues, one language, two ropes, join connected, two souls, one journey."

And then the words of a Night Court wedding followed:

"With a tie not easy to break Take the time of bindin’ Before the final vows are made To learn what we need to know, To grow in wisdom and love. That our marriage will be strong, That our love will last In this life and beyond."

Tears were gathered in your eyes as the priestess gave the final vow, "May you both be blessed with the fortitude of the Cauldron, the brightness of the sun, and the brilliance of the moon. May you have the magnificence of fire, speed of lightning, quickness of wind, depth of the sea, stability of earth, and the sturdiness of rock. May your joys be as sweet as the flowers that blossom in spring and as radiant as the summer sun. May the shower of autumn leaves bring to you faith and fortune, and may your love be resilient amidst the long star-filled nights."

"You are hers, and he is yours. May the Mother bless you in these days and the days to come. Until the light leaves each other you. In this life and the next." She nodded to Eris, pronouncing you husband and wife.

Eris smiled lovingly down at you, cupping your cheeks as he brought you in for a tender kiss.

You wrapped your arms around his neck, the crowd's cheers drowned out by your love for the male standing in front of you.

When you pulled away, you had to remind yourself to stay standing at the dais, as your inauguration as a High Lady would be next.

Eris kissed you once more before pulling back. The golden ribbon that connected you stayed on your hands as you knelt before Eris, watching him kneel in front of you as well.

The ceremony for the High Lady was new, and Feyre helped you plan it. Since you didn't have any power from Autumn, Eris offered you part of his. If you were to be his High Lady of Autumn, you were going to have fire in your veins. You couldn't deny him when he gave you a very specific loving look. One that got you both into trouble more than you could count.

You dipped your head as the priestess said the ceremonial words Feyre and you had wrote (with a little help from Nesta), and you felt Eris's hand lightly touch the top of your head as he transferred a drop of his power to you. As you closed your eyes, you breathed in the newfound fire in your veins. You opened your eyes, directly into Eris's. His auburn hair seemed to shine brighter, and your violet eyes were now flecked with gold. Courtesy of the fire now burning within you.

Eris and you stood together, still connected by the golden ribbon, as the priestess introduced the new High Lord and High Lady of Autumn, Eris and (Y/N) Vanserra.

Part Five

A/N: ... This still isn't the end.. The mating bond ceremony??? Maybe some smut afterwards??? (if you can't tell, i'm obsessed with these two)

Join the taglist here (I will not be adding people from the comments)

Wedding vow source here and here... I'm so bad with them so I decided to take from Welsh and Scottish vows/blessings... If I remember the court layout correctly I think that would be accurate.

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[saintrvckwell]

Lead me to the truth and I will follow you with my whole life (joel miller x platonic!reader)

joel miller x platonic!reader

summary: perhaps now, twenty one years later, joel finally found the courage to face his fears. aka joel finally allows himself to accept the role he has in your life.

warnings: father-figure joel miller (more like an invitation rather than warning), fluff, slight angst at times, father-daughter duo kind of moments.

words count: 9.5k

a/n: joel miller was always the coolest father but pedro's portrayal took that to a whole new level. dedicated to all the daddy issues strugglers out there (myself included). here's the dad you deserved to have.

ps: this is my first work focused solely on joel's character so be patient with me. <3

enjoy!

"and I will go if you ask me to. and I will stay if you dare."

•

You were a mission, something that was supposed to have a beginning and the end. Someone he was supposed to lead to a given location and walk away. It was supposed to be easy—that what Tess promised to Joel when she begged him to take you, fulfilling her dying wish. How easy it was for her to ask, how difficult it was for Joel to keep that promise.

There was a reason as for why was Joel so reluctant to take you—to temporarily care for you. Reason unknown to you. He was cold from the day you met him; made sure you knew all the rules and understood that whatever role you were going to assign him, he was not going to take it. After all, that was what he promised himself.

To keep his distance, to put the walls up and protect himself from the possibility of being hurt again. But you were too determined to tear them all down.

And at a certain point, he didn’t know for whom he was fighting anymore. To protect himself from you or to protect you from him? You’ve encountered things, places, people and tragedies one could only fear.

And with each strike he took, with each throat he slit before they lied their hands on you, Joel fell deeper. Into the sense of protection that was rising within him each time a danger appeared in your sight. Before he knew it, he was in the same spot he was twenty years ago.

That’s when the breaking point came. And he turned around, grabbed your hand and walked back to the only place that could’ve offered you the life you deserved. And deep down hoped Tess would’ve understood. In the end, he kept the promise—he made sure you were safe, more than that. He gave you the opportunity of the best life you could’ve had, given the fungal conditions around.

And you didn’t protest, didn’t utter a single objection. Because you would’ve followed Joel to the edge of the universe and back.

Or at least to Jackson.

You arrived at dawn, holding tightly onto his back, nearly falling asleep on the horse. The last few weeks you’ve spent outside were taking its toll on you. It was deadly cold out there with temperating falling down every second. You heard his voice, calling out your name three times before you opened your eyes. You were standing by the stables with Joel’s younger brother walking towards you.

“We’re here,” Joel whispered.

“Oh,” you yawned. “I’m sorry,” you pulled your hands away and slowly got off the horse with Tommy immediately offering his help.

“Good to see you,” he smiled politely, “both of you,” his eyes landed on his brother.

You waited outside whilst Joel and Tommy stabled the horse.

“So,” Tommy spoke again as soon as the three of you were together, “how long is it this time?”

And your eyes met with Joel. He shrugged his shoulders and briefly looked at you before his eyes met with Tommy’s again.

Joel was never good with words which you learned pretty quickly. It was all about his subtle actions—that’s how the two of you bonded. For all those days on the road and nights under the dark skies, you never led any deep conversations, instead found a comfort in each other’s presence. In your signals.

Being back in Jackson felt strange at first. Accustoming to such world after months in the wildness was odd to say the least. But it felt easier with Joel by your side—or at least, that’s what you were hoping for since he brought you here. Yet, after a few days in, you couldn’t overlook the way he was trying to distance himself from you.

First, it was about the house.

With the previous one being given to a family that recently came to Jackson, Maria and Tommy had to find a new place for you.

“I wanted you to have something of your own,” Joel admitted one night whilst the two of you were sitting in the kitchen, eating leftovers. “But Maria said they’re full right now. As soon as something opens, I will let you know… if you’d like.”

You were caught off guard by that.

There was a part of you that hoped—no, that took this as a foregone conclusion that you and Joel would be living together. You couldn’t even picture yourself being alone considering how accustomed you’ve gotten to Joel’s constant presence. In certain sense, he represented some sort of safety blanket. He was the reason you came to Jackson in the first place.

Perhaps, you thought, now that his job was done, he might have thought that the two of you should go your separate ways. At the end of the day, he wasn’t your family—just someone who was promised to look after you.

Perhaps, you were not as significant to him as he was to you. There were too many scenarios running through your anxious mind. But you never asked.

Then, it was the patrol duty.

When Tommy showed up at your doorstep, three days after your arrival, he mentioned that kids your age were starting to learn how to shoot so they could join the junior patrol groups.

“You should go,” Joel proposed once Tommy left. “Tommy’s good with guns. You’re going to learn from the best.”

He sounded almost uninterested.

You looked up from your bowl of breakfast, hurt glancing in your eyes.

And he quickly became aware of that.

“What?” he asked and you didn’t know whether it was care or rather annoyance that you heard in his voice.

“You promised you were going to teach me how to shoot.”

There it was again in his eyes—the regret.

He thought, with genuine worry in his heart, that giving you space was what you wanted—what you deserved. Without realising he was hurting you both in the process.

Joel didn’t know how to walk in this, how to approach this new situation he found himself in. He wanted you around, he wanted to make sure were alright. But didn’t know how.

That afternoon, when you left the house to join Tommy and the rest of the kids, Joel was already gone. His brother had him signed on old kinds of duty around the settlement—giving him an opportunity to contribute. And as much as Joel complained and growled, he like the idea of being of use—being needed.

You arrived by the Tipsy Bison, joining the group of kids standing around and registered.

A young man, approximately in his early twenties looked upon the list of names he was holding before his eyes met with yours.

“You’re signed on the East Gate, Tommy’s waiting for you there,” he informed you.

You squeezed the straps of your backpack as you walked by the stables, nervously looking around. You were still trying to adjust but it felt so difficult at times, especially when you were alone. Tommy was nice, considering he most likely knew nothing about you, beside what Joel must have told him. But you didn’t felt that kind of safety you had around Joel.

Joel, who was standing three feet away from you, with riffle hanging over his shoulder.

Maybe he joined the patrol group as well, you thought as you headed towards him.

“Do you know where Tommy is?” you asked as you looked around, looking for his brother.

Joel frowned, almost offended.

“Am I not capable enough?” he mumbled playfully.

You couldn’t quite comprehend what was going on.

“What?”

Before you uttered another mumble of confusion, Joel stepped closer and handed you the riffle.

“C’mon kid, it’s gonna be dark soon.”

The gate opened and Joel headed outside the safety, with you following his steps. There was a smile on your lips as you looked up and saw him, already explaining the route you were going to take—the high spots you were searching for. This was his way of apologising—his way of trying to do better.

Of making sure you knew that.

That day, you spent the whole afternoon together. What was supposed to be a regular two hour training that most kids took Joel turned into five, with the two of you coming back shortly after sundown, already past dinner time. It was the first time in a while you saw Joel genuinely laugh as he watched you struggling to reach the target.

You returned to Jackson with an empty magazine and one successful shot. But as you the two of you were walking home, side by side—it didn’t matter to you. It didn’t matter how terrible your aim was, how much of Tommy’s ammo you waisted. What mattered to you was the look in Joel's eyes, the smile on his lips he had as he was watching you.

He let his guard down, even if it was just for a second. And there he was—the Joel that was watching stars with you on the road.

It was about these moments. They meant whole world to you.

“You hungry?” he asked as you passed the dining hall.

You shook your head. “I’m alright. Besides, I think we’re already past the dinner time.”

“Are you sure? I haven’t seen you eat since breakfast,” he commented. “I could make you something at home.”

Home.

It stuck with you.

He didn’t think about it when he said that. Perhaps, that was the revelation you were waiting for. That Joel felt the same way and what you had was, indeed, a home.

Joel’s parental instincts were always there, no matter how determined he was to suppress them. Every night on the road, he stood by your side with gun in his hand, every time you fell asleep without ur blanket, Joel made sure you were tucked in. Each time he promised himself it would be the last. But always failed to do so.

Truth was, without the fear of enemies lurking in every corner and in the safety of Jackson’s settlement, it was easier to slip back into his old, fatherly habits without even realising. Only took a few weeks for Joel to accustom to this life—to having you around every day.

You sat together for breakfast every morning and met by the gates every afternoon after your assignments ended to take you for another shooting lesson.

Month later, you hit three out of six targets. Each time, he stood beside, that proud smirk on his lips. Three weeks after that, you hit five of them. That night, Joel even offered to take you to the movies as a reward for your successful lesson.

You were so excited—you wanted to join the others for so long but didn’t feel like going by yourself so having Joel propose that idea felt quite nice. But after all the training and another two hour long shooting lesson, you started to get weary. Twenty minutes into the movie, your head crashed onto Joel’s shoulder as you slowly fell asleep. His eyes landed on your sleepy face and there it was again—that smile. The one he didn’t have in a while.

Two hours later, you woke up in half empty dining hall.

“Need a hand?” you heard a familiar voice around you, mixed with laughter.

“I got it,” Joel replied.

A few seconds later, Joel’s hand caressed your cheek. “Kid?”

You quickly became aware of your pposition and immediately pulled away, despite the tiredness still wearing off.

“Shit,” you whispered, rubbing your sleepy eyes. “I’m sorry.”

Joel shook his head. “Let’s go get your jacket.”

He got up and you, still not fulling woken up, followed his steps. Joel noticed how somnolent you were, so he walked you to the door, helped you put on the your jacket, wished Maria and Tommy good night before you headed out back to your place.

You were barely seeing above your own feet, tiredness still having power over you as you struggled to keep up with Joel’s pace. Didn’t take long for him to realise that you were two feet behind. He swiftly turned around, rushing towards you.

“I’m so tired,” you yawned. “I just want to lie down.”

“Absolutely not,” Joel mumbled. “Let’s go, we’re two streets away.”

“That’s so far,” you whined. “I could just lie down right here and fall sleep.”

He couldn’t help but laugh over your statement. He stepped closer, threw his hand around your shoulder and pulled you closer to keep you warm. “Two streets and we’re home.”

There it was again.

Being too tired to notice, you paid no mind. This time it was Joel who was caught off guard by his own words. As the two you walked through the quiet streets of his brother’s settlement, it slowly dawned on him. There was no point in denying. It was a home—to you, to him. Even if he wasn’t strong enough to admit it out loud, it was your home.

Three weeks later, Jackson county was covered in snow. Due to an ongoing blizzard, all of Joel’s shooting lessons were postponed until further notice, as Maria prohibited him from taking you outside the settlement in such unpredictable conditions.

That afternoon, she showed up unannounced by the east gate—already figuring out your and Joel’s teaching schedule. To keep the two of you busy, she signed you to decoration duty instead.

As the holiday season was slowly approaching, the whole settlement was getting ready.

Joel’s disgruntlement over her orders couldn’t be more obvious. But he swallowed his need to object and accepted the orders, leaving you in Maria’s hands.

“I’m going to be honest with you, I don’t like those little trips of yours,” Maria admitted whilst the two of you were scavenging the decorations for the Christmas tree Tommy, Joel and other men were putting up.

You shrugged your shoulders, “We’re not going that far. Just around the settlement.”

“Why can’t you just go with the other kids at school?” she asked.

“Don’t you always say that we should only head out there with those we trust?”

She saw the look in your eyes and knew there was no need to say anything more. You knew she meant well—Maria wanted you to adjust to this place, to make friends of your own age. But she was also aware of the fact that separating you from Joel would do more harm than good. She did not agree with most of his actions but still respected that man. After all, he was her family.

That day, you got there late. Joel was already back, sitting in the living room with book in his lap. As interesting as the crime thriller could have been, Joel’s attention was elsewhere. Sitting in an old chair by the window, he was impatiently waiting for your arrival. It was shortly after nine when you came. As soon as he saw you on the porch, he grabbed the book, suddenly finding interest in every line.

You entered the dark hall, seeing the only source of light coming from the living room. That’s when Joel finally looked up, seeing you standing there with snowflakes in your hair.

“Hey, didn’t hear you coming,” he greeted you, closing the book. “How was your decorating duty?”

“How was yours?” you mumbled sarcastically, ready to roll your eyes.

Joel chuckled over your reaction. “Fair enough.”

For a second, the awkward silence crept in until Joel spoke again.

“I grabbed you some food on the way back,” he announced. “Left it in the fridge for you.”

“Oh… thanks,” you whispered, quite taken aback by that gesture. “But uh, Maria took me to dinner…so.”

“It’s okay,” he shook his head.

There was a reassuring smile on his lips—even if it was for a moment.

“By the way…” Joel spoke again, sensing that you wanted to head upstairs. Once he got your attention again, he continued: “Tommy asked me today if we’d want to join him and Maria for Christmas Eve dinner next week.”

We.

You tried to hide that unexpected excitement his words left in you, yet Joel still managed to spot that glimpse of sparks in your eyes.

“It’s not mandatory, so if you don’t want—“

“No!” you interrupted him. “I mean yes… yes, we can go.”

“Oh,” he whispered, surprised by your sudden reaction. “Alright then, I’ll tell Tommy.”

After that, the awkward silence appeared again. You stood there for moment or two before Joel considered that it was time to go—he wished you good night and quietly disappeared upstairs, whilst you stayed there for another second. It was so unusual to see Joel this nervous and you wondered what could’ve been the cause of that.

With the holidays approaching, the thought of the old days was harder to avoid, especially with all those children running around. Everywhere he went, he saw her, saw the memories tied to her. It was easier to avoid those when he lived in Boston. The only haunting things were his nightmares which he usually deadened with a bottle of whisky and sack of pills. But here in Jackson, it was different. There was the glimpse of normal life—as normal as one could get in such world. It was way too easy to look at those luckier than him and wonder what could been.

That could been the root of the problem as for why Joel struggled with the way he felt about you. Each time he grew closer, it frightened him. He was frightened by the idea of encountering the same pain again because he knew that this time—he couldn’t bear through. He couldn’t suffer through the loss of another daughter.

Because that's who you were for Joel.

You were his daughter. Despite the numerous times he tried to fight, despite his inability to express this, deep down, Joel knew it. Even as terrifying as it was to admit it, you were his kid. He never stopped being a dad, he was just now yours.

And when he lied awake that night, he made a decision. Maybe it was time to stop running away from it—to stop running away from you.

When you woke the next morning, something felt different. Dressed up and ready, you ran down the stairs, surprised to see what was in front of you. Lighted and decorated, there was a Christmas tree standing by the fireplace. You couldn’t quite comprehend that sight.

It was barely after eight o’clock. You couldn’t help but wonder when did Joel managed to do this. In the kitchen, you found a message on the table along with a piece of apple pie that he must have brought from the dining hall.

Tommy and I had to leave early, there’s been accident at the power plant. Maria’s going to bring you dinner tonight. We should be back in a few days but if not, Merry Christmas kid.

— Joel

A part of you felt saddened over the thought of Joel possibly missing the Christmas Eve. But at the same time—you couldn’t help but smile over him doing all of this before he left. Putting the Christmas tree, getting you breakfast. He wanted to make sure you would still have good time, despite him missing it.

Later that day, Maria stopped by with dinner. As soon as she entered the hall, she couldn’t overlook the shining Christmas three. You two dined together in silence, washed the dishes and even offered for you to stay at their place until Joel and Tommy return. But as kind as her offer was, you politely declined. That night, you fell asleep on the couch, staring at those lights, hoping Joel was alright.

The blizzard out there wasn’t going away anytime soon. Each morning, whilst walking to your training, you couldn’t stop worrying. You knew he was more than capable of taking care of himself, yet that didn’t stop the ongoing fear that was rising within you each time you came home and he wasn’t there.

The house felt so empty without him there. Even though the two of you spend most of your time in silence or in separate rooms, you both had your comfort in each other’s presence. The idea of Joel being door away from you felt reassuring. Naively, you never thought that could change. In this sense, Jackson has softened you. Those gates around gave you sense of protection.

But he didn’t have that.

Each night, you waited. Sitting in his old chair by the window, you held your switchblade between your fingers and waited until you fell asleep. Fell asleep with a hope and woke with coldness wrapping around your body and disappointment that dawned on you when you found his room empty.

Three days before Christmas, you felt the need to express your anxiousness to Maria.

“The plant is a few of miles away. And with the snowstorm out there, it would be too dangerous to head back in such conditions,” she explained. “They’ll be back soon, you’ll see.”

You knew she was worried as well. But she did much better job at hiding it. She promised you that even if Joel and Tommy didn’t make it in time, you would still celebrate the Christmas Eve, together. And as much as you appreciated that effort—you didn’t care about celebrations of any kind. The only thing you cared about was Joel.

On twenty third of December, the clouds of fog and heavy flakes of snow finally disappeared. Yet there was no sign of Joel nor Tommy. You waited by the East Gate whole afternoon until your fingers felt numb from the coldness. You waited there until the sundown when Maria came to pick you up. You protested, begging her to let you stay up with men from the night watch.

“You’ll wait for him at home,” she insisted. “C’mon, Y/N. You’re freezing.”

But you didn’t care and she knew. But there was no point in fighting with her. You sighed, jumped down from the lookout and with disappointment hidden behind your eyes, you returned to that empty house. That night, you sat in that chair with switchblade in your hand—just like all those previous nights and waited.

On the twenty four of December, Christmas Eve, you were sitting by the kitchen table with Joel’s note in your hand.

“We should be back in a few days but if not, Merry Christmas kid.”

The chances of Joel and Tommy returning before the Christmas dinner were slimmer with each hour that past. At noun, it was decided that small group of patrollers would head to that plant and bring them back. With the weather conditions improving, you knew there must have been a different reason as for why they were still not coming back. And Maria knew it as well, despite her best efforts to keep you calm.

“There’s Christmas dance going on at the hall tonight. We could go if you’d like,” Maria offered when the two of you met at the stables. “Or we could still make the dinner.”

“I think I’ll just stay home,” you whispered, grabbing your backpack from the floor. “I’m quite tired. And I have the kindergarten duty tomorrow, so.”

“Y/N—?”

“Just tired, really,” you interrupted her. “Don’t worry.”

“Alright then,” she sighed, not trying to persuade you. “But tomorrow—dinner at my house. No excuses, six o’clock sharp.”

You felt guilty for declining again. So this time, you agreed to her proposal. After all, you could really use a moment out of your house. Maria meant well, she cared about you and she wasn’t exactly happy with the thought of you being all alone there.

On your way back, you passed the gate again, stayed a second or two and waited. For a moment, you thought you could sneak out tonight and try bribing one of those junior patrols guys at the watch to let you sneak up there. But you knew one of them would tell and you didn’t want to cause any more unnecessary worry for Maria. She already cut you a lot of slack with all those assignments you signed yourself off of.

When the clock stroke eight, you lost all your hope that Joel could make it before midnight. But knew that he wouldn’t want you to stare out of that window forever. So you decided to stop by the Christmas dance to grab a dinner, at least. When you returned, you lit a candle and sat down by the tree. Though as much as you tried, your eyes always landed on that view.

Shortly before midnight, you headed upstairs to his bedroom. His bed has not been made since the day he left. There wasn’t much of sight of him, besides the stuff in the clothes where you were headed. You opened the wooden door and took out his old jacket. Maria forced two of you to get rid of most of your old clothes and gave you new, not ripped and stained ones, but he still kept that one jacket.

You took it off the hanger and put over your sweater. It still had it scent.

With that, you went back and with switchblade in your hand, you sat down on the stairs on the front porch. You heard the celebratory noises coming from the hall but didn’t feel the need to join. Instead, you looked up at the stars.

During one of those night out there, you told Joel how much you loved the constellations and even showed him some of them—which he found profoundly interesting, as much as he tried to tell otherwise.

There you saw it—Big Dipper. The one you showed him, the only one he managed to spot.

That’s when midnight stroke.

And tears rolled down your face. As you looked ahead and saw the darkness.

And a shadow.

Shadow of a man.

For a second, you thought you could blame it on your somnolent mind. But when your name slipped from his lips, twice, it wasn’t your imagination anymore.

It was Joel.

“Joel?” you whispered as you saw him, heading towards you.

You couldn’t quite believe it.

“Joel!” you called out, not waiting another second to rush towards him, meeting him halfway.

He was out of the darkness, standing right there in front of you.

It was him.

But the smile you had on your lips faded away the second you saw a blood seeping through the fabric on his right leg.

“Are you—“ you gasped, eyes landing on his injury.

He immediately realised where your mind went.

“No,” he reassured you, stepping closer. “It’s just an injury, a scratch. Nothing more.”

You noticed the trouble he had whilst walking.

“I still have aid kit in my backpack upstairs,” you mumbled, worried thoughts jumping from one another in your mind. “It’s not much but I can fix it. I could just go and fix it, just let me—“

“Y/N!”

His voice echoed in your ears. Suddenly, he stood right in front of you, his cold hands grabbing both of your puffy cheeks. There was one thing you had in common in that very moment. The fear that rose in both of you, the worry that was put on display when you looked into his eyes. You couldn’t hold it together anymore, despite the efforts.

“I thought,” you gasped between the sobs, “I thought you didn’t come because…”

“No,” Joel reassured you again, this time with a smile on his lips. “See? I didn’t. I’m alright, I’m alright.”

“Joel,” you whimpered, trying to comprehend what was going on.

And as he saw you, standing there in his old jacket, freezing and crying—if there were any remaining walls, they all fell down. In that moment, every single one of his parental instincts kicked the minute he pulled you into his arms.

“I’m alright, kiddo,” he whispered, caressing your hair as you cried out. “I’m alright.”

As soon as you pulled away, Joel threw his hand over your shoulder as you quickly helped him get inside. Sitting him down on the couch, you ran upstairs, throwing the backpack on the bed as you impatiently took out one thing after another until you find the first aid kit. Only then you rushed downstairs, fix Joel’s wounds.

You almost tripped over your own feet.

He was sitting in the same spot, eyes landing on the lightened Christmas tree.

After you sewed his injury, the two of you sat there in silence. Neither of you needed the words in order to embrace the comfort you had in each other’s presence. You sat there, watching the lights until you fell asleep on his shoulder. In that moment—Joel didn’t need anything else. He was home.

“Merry Christmas, kid,” he whispered, looking down on you.

Twenty minutes past midnight, Joel made it.

But then the dawn came.

You woke up, eight hours later, finally without those worries hanging over your head. In the same spot you fell asleep, only with blanket covering your body. It was quiet, peaceful. Until you slowly awakened and your eyes landed on the wall clock above the living room dresser.

Within a second, you were up on your feet.

“Shit!” you yelled out, ignoring the possibility of Joel, still being asleep.

With tiredness wearing off, you tripped over your feet tree times, with each almost landing on your face. You quickly changed your clothes and ran back downstairs.

And there he was.

Leaning against the kitchen desk with cup of coffee in his hand, Joel couldn’t overlook the distress pictured all over you.

“Ever heard of a hairbrush?” he commented your appearance, being in the mood to have a little dig at you.

You didn’t have the time to roll your eyes over his words.

“I’m running late,” you whispered, looking around, trying to find your backpack. “I was supposed be at the kindergarten twenty minutes ago!” you cried out, stressed, trying to find your possessions. “Maria’s going to kill me. And where is that fucking thing?”

“Tried your room?” Joel proposed, visibly being amused by your current state.

“Dammit!” you yelled out, running back upstairs.

Within seconds, you were rushing back down, pushing your switchblade into your back-pocket.

“Gotta go—!” before you managed the disappear outside, Joel’s voice stopped you.

“Where do you think you’re going?” he headed towards you.

You turned from the doors, “to my assignment? I already missed most of them this week. Can’t screw this one as well.”

“Where’s your other jacket? The down one that Maria brought the other day?”

You stared at his, utterly confused over that question.

“What?” you shook your head. “What are you talking about?”

“Y/N, it’s freezing out there, you’re not going in this,” he pointed to your windbreaker.

In this moment, you couldn’t help but roll your eyes.

“I don’t have time for this—“

“Y/N, this is not open for discussion,” he stepped closer. “Go and get the other jacket.”

“Joel—!”

“Now, Y/N,” he repeated, admonishing look in his eyes.

He was never more parental than in that moment as he watched you grumpily running upstairs to grab your other jacket.

You came down, clothes changed.

“Now hat, and gloves. Where are your gloves?”

“Seriously?!”

There was something unimaginably funny as he watched you losing your temper when you did a second round of running and came back, redness in your cheeks.

You put it on and looked at Joel, annoyance expressed all over your face.

“Happy?” you mumbled sarcastically, grabbing your backpack from the floor.

“That you’re not going to freeze out there? Yes, I am,” he shrugged his shoulder. “Although,” he stepped closer and pulled the zip of your down jacket up to the top. “Now, I am.”

You rolled your eyes, once again.

He couldn’t help but chuckle over that response.

“You’re warm enough?” he asked.

“I’m sweating like a pig, Joel.”

“Better than freezing, don’t you think?” he couldn’t help but have another dig at you. “If you caught cold, I would be the one running around you.”

“Well, I couldn’t rob you of your favourite I told you moment, could I?” you grinned. “Besides, with this leg… you can barely walk so I don’t know what running you’re talking about, old man.”

He bursted into laughter.

“You're such a stubborn pain the ass, you know that?” he observed between laughs.

But then it happened.

“Okay, dad.”

That one sentence that was supposed to be an innocent joke—a little dig.

Carrying little no meaning.

Until you saw how Joel’s eyes suddenly shifted. And the laughter was no longer there. The spark was gone and he stood there, quiet and frozen. Stiff and numb over your words.

It’s been more than twenty one years since he last heard that.

His heart dropped into his stomach, the world around became too heavy.

There she was, in his mind again. That day, that exact moment. His eyes landed on his watch.

He heard his name coming out of your mouth, three times before he looked up—seeing the genuine worry displayed right in front of him.

“Joel—?“

“Go,” he whispered, so coldly.

You shook your head, confused. “Joel, are you—?”

“Go,” he repeated. “Your assignment is waiting. Leave.”

You stood there for two second, before you heard him again—urging you to leave. All at once, you couldn’t recognise him. You had no idea what caused this strange reaction, but didn’t dare to ask. Instead, you obeyed. You bowed your head and walked out of your house.

Each step you take, the further you were from the house, the more guilt was rising within you. What could you have done to displease him this much?

You’ve experienced Joel’s anger a few times, while the two of you were on the road. To be honest, Joel’s patience was thin and you knew what strings to pull to get him into rage. Him yelling at you became a daily routine at one point. But you’ve never seen him like this. The stare he had, the emptiness in his eyes.

As if you were dead to him. Truth was, you would much rather had him screaming at you than being this eerily quiet.

You arrived to your assignment and quickly got to work, hoping no one would notice your delay. But even with the amount of work you had around, you couldn’t stop thinking about that odd encounter with Joel. What could’ve been that made him so upset?

Could’ve been the joke, you thought. But it was an innocent statement, with not much truth in it. Or was it? Or was it something that accidentally carried more truth that you were willing to let on? Could Joel sense that?

One too many scenarios running through your worried mind.

“Y/N?” Maria’s voice snapped you out of your thoughts.

You looked up and saw her, standing by the door.

“Hey,” you mumbled, putting the basket with toys on the floor. “What’s going on?”

“Just checking in,” she replied, smile on her lips. “I stopped by your place but forgot your had your duty today. Wanted to take Joel to infirmary but looks like you already took care of that.”

“Oh, yeah. It was nothing,” you whispered, eyes landing on the floor, the desire to avoid every conversation that included his name rising with each second. “I have a lot to finish today, so…”

“I won’t keep you any longer,” Maria laughed. “Just wanted to say that since Tommy and Joel got back in one piece, we thought we could have the Christmas dinner today. After all, the holidays are still on.”

“I don’t think Joel’s in mood for celebration of any kind,” you admitted.

“I already talked to him and he agreed.”

So maybe he managed to cool down, you thought. Or at least, you were hoping for that.

Maria stayed for a few more minutes, asking you to come earlier tonight to help prepare the dinner. She freed you from your afternoon assignments to have enough time to change and get ready. You stayed at the kindergarten until one in the afternoon, then helped for two hours at the stables before you headed back to your house.

You learned from her that both Tommy and Joel had a day off so part of you hoped you would run into him. But when you came, the house was empty. Joel’s backpack and gun were lying by the chair but he was nowhere to be found—as you searched every room around. You tried to not think much of that but there were still those doubts inside you.

Luckily, you were running out of time—which meant you had to hurry up and pull yourself out of your worried mind. You didn’t have any decent clothes to wear, except for the regular ones. So you just grabbed a clean sweater, pants and tied your hair up before you headed to Maria’s.

When you arrived, Maria was already cutting the vegetables in the kitchen. You let yourself in, throwing the jacket on the hanger in the hall as she called you in. It was the first time you were in their home as they mostly came to visit you and Joel. It was much bigger than what the two of you had but all those details displayed around implied that they’ve been here for quite some time. Each corner had a track of them. There were pictures on the walls, books on the coffee table with an empty cup, flower pots on the windowsill.

But what caught your attention was a board, resting on the top of the fireplace.

You didn’t mean to snoop but when you saw those names, you couldn’t look away. There were two of them, along with four dates. Took only few seconds for you to realise what this was supposed to meant.

Shivers went down your spine. Especially once you heard Maria calling you again.

“I’m sorry,” you whispered, rushing into the kitchen.

“It’s alright, just finish these carrots,” she handed you the knife. “I need to start preparing the meat.”

You took the orders without any objections.

You wondered. Were they Tommy’s or Maria’s children? Or did each belong to one of them? You wouldn’t guess the two of them to experience such loss since they’ve both seen so well put together.

But you knew yourself how easy it was to put up a believable surface. You did that after Tess’s death, despite how painful it was to lose someone so close. You didn’t have any other option. Maybe they were once in a similar position.

Eventually, every person finds a way to live with their pain. They either face it or suppress that, deep down.

You only now realised how important must have been this child to Tommy and Maria. Get a second chance in a world like this was almost a miracle.

“Tommy’s memorial caught your attention?”

Almost as if she read your mind.

You startled, nearly accidentally cutting yourself.

“I wasn’t… you mumbled, embarrassed. “I didn’t… I’m sorry.”

“It’s alright,” Maria looked up, reassuring smile on her lips.

She was kind, like always.

“I’m sorry about your kids.”

So you felt the need to let her know.

Her eyes locked with yours again, “Thank you. Although, just a kid, Kevin.”

“Oh,” you nodded. “So Sarah was Tommy’s daughter?”

“She was his niece,” Maria replied, still preparing the meet.

In that moment, the world around stopped for a second.

Tommy’s niece.

Meaning?

You had to take a deep breath.

“So, she was…” you swallowed, feeling the frog in your throat growing bigger each second.

“Joel’s daughter,” Maria finished your sentence, paying no mind to your current state.

Joel’s daughter.

Joel had a daughter. A daughter just three years younger than you.

You needed a moment to process this.

He used to be someone’s dad.

Then the last piece of the puzzle was found. And the mystery was solved.

And your shattered heart dropped into your stomach.

He used to be a dad.

Suddenly, it all made sense. Suddenly, you’ve never felt worse. For what you said, for being so cruel. All those days, all those moments, all his words—all at once it made sense. It was the last clue you needed to win the prize. Was it worth though, was the question.

“Y/N?” you heard Maria’s voice calling your name.

Three times before you looked up, still a little spaced out.

“He didn’t…” she whispered, putting two and two together. “Oh…”

“That’s alright,” you shook your head. “It’s not your fault.”

You didn’t know how to approach this newly revealed information, how to solve the problem without causing even more of them. Joel was never the most sharing individual, neither of the two of you was. Though you couldn’t blame him. He was keeping this inside of him for more than twenty years. One could one fear how difficult that must have been.

“How did it happen?” you dared to ask.

Maria looked you. She knew this wasn’t her place to talk but still gave in. “I don’t know the details. Just that it was the day of the outbreak.”

You thought there was no chance this could get any worse.

“Day after Joel’s birthday.”

Somehow it did.

And you felt even more guilty for asking these questions in the first place.

You thought of this afternoon, when you were rushing back to your house, hoping you would find Joel there. Now you were on the verge of praying to every none-existent higher power that he could change his mind and not come. You wanted to do everything you could to avoid him, out of the shame that you were feeling.

That of course, did not happened.

At half past six, Tommy arrived from Tipsy Bison with bottle of scotch and smile on his lips. He had a stitch above his eyebrows, meaning both him and Joel were involved in whatever fight that went down at power plant, probably with those raiders Maria kept mentioning. Greeting both of you, he kissed Maria on the cheek, placed on the bottle on the kitchen desk and disappeared upstairs to change his clothes.

Thirty minutes after him, Joel arrived.

You were in the middle of settling the dinner table when you heard the door slam. You paid no mind, placing the four plates on their spots. Only when you turned to get the cutlery, you saw Joel standing by the coffee table—his eyes immediately landing on you.

The fear in your face was difficult to overlook. For a second, your sight shifted from Joel to the memorial board right next to him.

For a second.

Yet he still managed to catch that.

Without a thought, you turned around and headed towards the kitchen to grab the tray with glasses and cutlery. When you came back, you saw him standing on the same spot. Only now, his full attention was directed towards that board before you caught his attention, again.

It didn’t take much for him to realise the nature of your behaviour—beside what happened this morning.

You stood there, staring at the each other. Your heart was pounding louder with each second, hands were sweating, the tray in your hands shaking. Only when Tommy’s voice called out for Joel, you looked away and went to finish your job.

Feeling even more ashamed than before, if it was still possible.

To say the dinner was awkward would have been an understatement. The four of you sat by the table in silence, with mostly Tommy or Maria leading the conversation. Their words and the conversation in general was revolving mainly around Jackson and things related to that as both of them sensed that none of you were in the mood. Maria kept checking on you—she didn’t miss how determined you were to avoid Joel’s eyes.

It was after dinner when you saw him lighten up a little. Tommy grabbed the bottle of scotch and took Joel into his little office space downstairs, right in the entrance hall. Which you and Maria used as an opportunity to wash the dishes.

You placed the dishes right next to the kitchen sink when you heard Tommy’s laugh.

“…it’s time consuming!”

Shortly, it was followed by Joel’s brief laughter. Still, it was nice to know he was easing up.

“It’s that stupid clock joke Tommy heard this morning,” Maria commented as you handed her the dishes, one by one.

There wasn’t any response coming from you. Your mind was too preoccupied for that.

And as much she didn’t want to cross the boundaries, she was worried about you.

“Joel cares about you, you know,” she spoke, snapping you out of your thoughts.

You looked up at her, handing her the plate.

“I’m not really sure about that right now,” you admitted. “Although, I couldn’t really blame him.”

“You worry too much,” Maria chuckled.

“Can you blame me?” you muttered, looking down.

“I had plenty of evidence to be confident in my previous claim.”

“Like what?” you sighed.

“A, he brought you here—“

“I saw him spare a rabbit once. So not leaving me out in the cold is not a strong argument.”

Maria chuckled again.

“He brought here and asked for the two of you to be placed together.”

Wait a minute.

You looked up once more, confused over Maria’s words.

“No,” you shook your head. “Joel said you just didn’t have any other place for me…”

“We have a few houses specifically for kids of your age. Since I knew your situation and wondered if it wouldn’t have been better to be around your peers. I offered that to Joel. But he insisted that you stay under his roof.”

That sudden new information needed a second to process.

You thought that, perhaps, he thought the two of should take your separate ways—that’s why he mentioned that you should have a place of your own. When in reality, he wanted you around. He asked to have you around.

“What’s B?”

Maria took a deep breath and placed the plate into the sink.

“It’s tough to lose a child, in any kind of world, fungal or not. And it is even harder to allow yourself to care this way again, for somebody else. Which is why you might have felt like he was pushing you away at times, maybe even right now. But despite his actions saying otherwise at times, you mean a whole world for him. You are his whole world.”

You wanted to believe every word of that statement. Because that’s what Joel was to you. After everything you’ve encountered, Joel was the closest thing to a family one could have in this world. And you wanted to believe that you carried that value for him as well.

“You just have to cut him some slack. He might be scared,” she continued.

“Scared of what?”

“Scared of having another chance to be a parent. It’s way too easy to screw that job, in every world.”

Maybe all you needed to understand Joel was one conversation with someone who was once in the same position.

Suddenly, each attribute of Joel’s personality, each strange detail about him pulled together a one, bigger picture. Although the losses in your life might not have been as traumatic as those of Joel’s, you were starting to understand him. And deep down, hoped that you didn’t blow up all your chances to fix what you’ve broken.

That evening, you headed home first. After you helped Maria clean everything, you asked her to tell Joel that you were tired and left early. Even though there was a part of you, wanting to run after him and apologise, you couldn’t do it. Once you heard his laugh, you knew you owed him a moment of peace. Your conversation could wait for another day or two.

It was first time since this morning there was even the slightest amusement on his face. Could’ve been the simple stupidity of that joke, the bizarreness that somehow made him chuckle. He stood there, leaning against the grey wall with scotch in his hand, trying so hard to suppress those laughs.

“You can laugh, it’s funny,” Tommy teased him, finishing the rest of his drink. “It’s a great joke.”

“A really lame one,” Joel commented, squeezing the glass in his hands.

“Well, you never really had a good sense of humour so,” Tommy chuckled.

Joel shrugged his shoulders over that statement, partially agreeing before he drank the rest of his liquid courage.

It was getting late, he wanted to head home and get some rest. He handed Tommy the empty glass, patted his shoulder and gave him a fleeting smile—enough to let him know that he was thankful for the distractions. Only then he went into the living room, looking for you.

He found Maria instead.

She knew the answer he came for in the first place.

“She left a few minutes ago,” Maria answered the implied question. “But she left this in here,” she turned around and grabbed pair of green gloves. “Could you give that to her?”

Joel nodded, bitting his lower lip, slowly immersing into his thoughts.

“Well,” he snapped out his head after a second, squeezing the gloves in his hands, “I should probably go too. Thank you for the dinner, though.”

“My pleasure,” she smiled.

He knew where he was going. Yet before he made a single step, the memorial board caught his sight again. He was aware of not always being the most pleasurable human being to others around, though he always justified that by saying that he was only trying to protect himself. But when he visited today, for the first time, and saw the board—there was regret. For, maybe, being too harsh at times.

Everyone was carrying around their own kind of pain. Some were just too good at hiding it.

So before he left, he turned to Maria.

“Listen,” he cleared his throat, trying to find the right words. “About…”

She knew where he was headed. And wanted to spare him the difficulties.

“I know,” she whispered. “Me too…”

Nothing else needed to be said, they both understood.

With that, Joel grabbed the rest of his stuff and set off.

As he walked through the streets, seeing the lights hanging on the houses and snowflakes falling to the ground, his mind wondered. Towards you, towards this morning. Part of him felt guilty for pushing you away so suddenly. You must have meant it as a joke, he thought. That’s what he’s been trying to tell himself the whole day.

Yet there was a part of him. Part of him that was terrified of you, being serious with that title. Joel came to terms with the way he felt about you, with the amount of care and sense of protection he had for you. But why was the idea of you feeling the same way about him so frightening? Why was it so easy to accept you as daughter but hesitate to become your father? He was in this same position twenty one years ago. And he couldn’t promise to not fail again.

There was guilt. Guilt he was carrying around for more than twenty years. Guilt of failing, for not being the father Sarah deserved to have in that moment. And it felt selfish of him to put another child through that. Maria was right. It was scary to have another chance with something so fragile. Perhaps, he should’ve just walked away, could’ve given up.

But somehow found himself standing in front of your door. With pair of green gloves in his hands and shame in his eyes.

He knocked on the door two times to make sure you were still awake. Only when he heard your voice, he let himself in.

You were standing by your closet, carefully folding your things.

Somehow, in this moment, seeing you so accustomed this place, it made Joel happy.

Then he saw the curiousness in your eyes and panicked. For a second, he panicked, overthinking his actions.

“Maria,” he mumbled, looking for the right words, “Maria… Maria said you left this at their place,” he finished his attempted and stepped closer into the room.

Your eyes landed on the pair of gloves in Joel’s hands.

“Oh…” you raised your eyebrows. “But these… these are not mine. I gave them back to Maria weeks ago because they were too small for me…”

You stopped for a moment and realised she achieved exactly what she wanted with that gesture. And you couldn’t help but chuckle over that.

Joel, on the other hand, couldn’t ignore the embarrassment rising within him.

Quickly, you saw that. Saw him clearing his throat and placing the gloves on the edge of your bed.

He stood there, for a second or two and you wondered if, perhaps, there was more to his visit. You looked into his eyes and saw the struggle—saw how desperately he was trying to find the appropriate approach to this situation and took this as an opportunity to set things right.

“Listen,” you whispered, catching his attention. “I just…”

You both struggled with finding the right words.

Placing the clothes you were holding just a second ago onto the closet shelf, you stepped closer to him.

“I’m sorry for what I've said this morning. I didn’t mean to upset you. I didn’t know that—“

The shame he had in his eyes was now glancing in yours. And he saw that, saw every bit of that.

That’s why he stopped you.

“No,” he shook his head. “Y/N, please no.”

He followed your lead and stepped closer, sitting down on the edge of your bed as the frustrated sigh left his mouth.

“It’s not your fault. How could you know…”

It was the first time you saw Joel like this. It was the first you spoke of this.

There was hurt in his voice and you knew he must have been trying to suppress that for quite some time.

You quietly joined him, eyes landing on the floor.

“Maria told you?” he asked, filling up the hollow silence.

“I saw the memorial Tommy made… you probably figure the rest,” you whispered.

Joel nodded.

“Don’t be mad at her, please. I swear, if I knew… I wouldn’t—“

He finally looked into your eyes, stopping your words. “Y/N, it’s alright. I am not mad at her.”

There was a sense of relief that flew through your body.

Although, there was also one question remaining.

“What about me?” you dared to ask.

He heard the tone of your voice and saw the worry in your eyes.

There it was, the confrontation he couldn’t keep running away from. For a moment, the hollow silence returned just as your fears. In the same exact moment that Joel finally decided to face his.

“If you think about me this way, if you feel about me this way… then I don’t… I don’t mind if you want to call me that.”

That certainly was not what you were expecting.

But it turned out to be better.

“I’m trying to say that even though I can’t promise you that I’m worthy of that title… if you want me to have that role in your life…” he whispered.

“I thought you already had that,” you admitted.

The shock in his eyes was evident.

“Listen,” you whispered, turning to him. “I was on my own for most of the time before Tess finally found me and brought me to you. I’ve never had anyone like that. So I don’t have much to compare with. But if dad is supposed to be someone who makes you feel safe, who feels like home, then for me, Joel, you are worthy of that title.”

There it was. It was no longer just an assumption but a long lasting wish. He got the truth, got what he wished for and feared at the same time.

“Depends on if you want it.”

In that moment, he wanted to allow himself to want it. But in order to do that. There was one last step remaining.

Joel needed to forgive himself.

He needed to finally put down that baggage of guilt he’s been wearing around for twenty one years. He needed once and for all, stop looking behind him. And look ahead and take the opportunity the universe gave him.

Perhaps, you were what he needed to achieve that. By making sure you were safe, he would able to forgive himself for failing at that twenty one years ago. Deep down, he knew, she would never want him to wear his sadness around his neck. There would always be a part of her in Joel, nothing was going to change that. But maybe now, he was finally able to make space for you, too. To be your dad.

You heard the chuckles and looked up again. And there he was, looking down at his something to fight for. His whole world.

He smiled quietly and replied, “I do, kiddo.”

And when the word left your mouth, calling him that officially for the very first time, he barely managed to hold it together. Every remaining piece of his baggage disappeared, every last piece of the sadness he was wearing around his neck fell down as he finally put his guilt to rest.

And he kept the promise he gave. To both of his daughters.

[storysofmyown]

Web of Lies

Summary:  After months of sleeping with Miguel as his own personal stress toy, you  finally mustered up the courage to ask him out on a date. All you could  hope for was he would show up and you two would have a lovely evening.  Of course, that was just too much to ask from someone as cold as the  spider-man from your universe.

TW: Smut, cursing.

Note: I know i normally only write for obey me but..i just had to write for this man...

Word Count: 10,081

Read on Ao3

“…so”

You started, eyeing Miguel  carefully from across the desk. The only sound in the room being the  noise of your pen clicking against the clipboard in an attempt distract  yourself from the growing sensation of dread.

“¿Si?” Miguel  answered, his eyes glued to the screen in which another universe was  being shown. Apparently there had been some recent trouble of an anomaly  in the place. Although it had been taken care of, from what you heard,  he was making sure there wasn’t any residue or another anomaly they had  to take care of that would endanger that specific universe or others.

“The  new restaurant in my town opened. Apparently is very good and kind of  upscale.” You tucked a strand of hair behind your ear, eyes going from  the clipboard to the man’s back. “I was wondering if you would like to  come with me.” You finally asked.

It was a far-off chance he’d  agree. Although your little ‘arrangement’ had been going on for a few  months now, that didn’t mean the man was in any way or form  sentimentally attached to you. He was always working, either on the  technicalities, management of the society, or being his own universe  Spider-man, he was always busy. The stress had started taking a toll on  his body and mental state, and you let him use you as a way for him to  take out all that vent up stress. It started as a once off thing. He was  stressed, angry, disappointed, and downright desperate after a anomaly  escaped and his useless team had failed to locate it. Neither of you  meant for that to happen, but in the moment, he just latched onto your  lips and one thing led to another, with the man taking out his  frustration on your half naked body as he pinned you against his desk,  hips slamming into yours as moans filled the room.

That had gone  on for almost an hour before he was interrupted by Lyla, the hologram  appeared beside his shoulder and stating that they had found some  information. He had basically forced himself to finish so he could get  back to work. But after that he seemed more…calm. At least he didn’t  chew out the team of spiders when they came back from the mission.  Neither of you both address what had happened in his office that day for  a few weeks. But it was far from the last time it happened.

A  couple of weeks later he had come back raging from a villain that had  vested him. This was in his own dimension, and for some reason, the fact  that he had been up against universe destroying entities and come out  victorious, made it stung for the man the fact a stupid ‘villain of the  week’, had managed to get an upper hand on him. You didn’t even get to  say a word as he finished placing a warm cup of Cuban coffee on his  desk, when the man turned you around and started kissing you  desperately. This time, though, it wasn’t against the wall. And your  time together wasn’t interrupted. The man was insatiable. All that rage  and strength made him relentless, and he just kept going no matter how  many times the both of you came undone. You had to spend the night in  the night in one of the empty rooms in the office. There was no way you  could walk home after he took you in such a way. The third time was  when you proposed the deal. This time it hadn’t been in his office or  the workplace. This time, while getting settled for a late-night movie  session, the man appeared. He had come through your window, and there  were wounds all over his torso, his suit ripped and even the mask had  taken some damage, which meant his face would have also taken some  damage. After helping disinfect and bandage the wounds, the two of you  stared at each other in silence. Only for him to latch onto your lips.  The kiss started a bit softer, but it slowly grew. You allowed him once  more to take his disappointment in himself, his anger, rage and worries  on your body. With someone as powerful as him, he could certainly do a  number on your poor body, much smaller than the others, but damn it did  not matter when he was making you feel that good and you were just oh so  close to him in that moment.

It was the first time he stayed  close to you after the two had been together. Just cuddling you into his  chest as you struggled to get your breath back and rest enough before  getting into the shower. After that, you asked him if he was more at  ease. When his response was affirmative you couldn’t help but feel  almost…giddy. Someone like yourself, a simply human, being able to take  on such a powerful and strong man and not only making him feel good but  helping him with his worries trough you. Yeah, that made you feel  special. So, you caved at your own desires. And the arrangement was  made. Whenever he needed something or someone to help him trough his  emotions, to help ease his worries and to make him feel good, you were  there. And the man certainly took you up on your word.

Of course,  this was mutually beneficial. You both got what you wanted, and the next  day, in front of everyone, you´d act like nothing had happened and  carry on work like normal. Unless he needed to use you again. In which  case you were more than happy to give him what he needed wherever and  whenever as long as no one caught the two of you.

That had been  going on now for the last five months. Some very delicious five months.  But lately…you have been craving more than just the physical  satisfaction, While the nights with him were still extremely  satisfactory you wished the man would be a bit more…romantic. Sometimes  the best part of the night was watching him sleep soundly next to you  after you both had your fill. His handsome face finally relaxed. The  permanent frown he wore to all the other spiders finally gone and almost  a soothing expression appeared in its place as soft snores filled the  room and you watched the man sleep. It didn’t take you long before you  realized you were in deep shit. And you wanted more than just the sex he  had been offering up until now. Hence, why you were making a futile  attempt of getting to meet the man outside of his job for reasons other  that your usual activities.

“What time?” Miguel asked once more  without turning around. Although, the fact he had asked that gave you a  silver of hope. Maybe he would go…

“Eh…any is fine. How about 7:00? We can meet there if you’d life.”

After a moment of pondering the man finally answered.

“Sure. It seems like things are calm in the multiverse and here too. I suppose I can make the time.”

Your  heart leaps in your chest. ‘Yes! We got a date!’ You couldn’t help but  cheer to yourself internally, wide smile showing as the clicking of your  pen grew faster.

“G-Great! I’ll see you tomorrow at seven then!”  You beamed, feeling excitement grew before you frowned a bit. “Unless I  see you tonight as well-?” You asked, unsure if the man had plans on  dropping trough your window like he usually did. You stared at the man,  and you could have sworn there was almost a smile on his lips.

“Go home. I’ll see you tomorrow.” You chuckled at that.

“Ya, ya, okay.” You smile at him. “Goodbye, Miguel.”

And  with that, you finished organizing his papers before going out of his  office. Not before saying goodbye to some of the spider-people you  usually mingled with. After saying bye to them, you returned to your  place, feeling giddy and excited all over on the prospect of seeing the  man tomorrow.

The next day rolled up. The date fell right on your  day off, so, for the most part, you couldn’t do anything other than to  excitedly and anxiously wait for the time to come. The nerves betray you  for some reason and only let you eat just a little. You started getting  ready two hours before the time came for you to leave your home. You  couldn’t help but be excited at the idea. This was Miguel, after all.  The dark, brooding, almost cynical man that everyone in spider society  respected and some even feared. He was their boss, at the head and in  charge of taking care of the entire multiverse. He was also your  universes spider-man. A powerful and strong man. He was also, under all  the stress, anger, and sadness, he was caring. You had seen that side of  you. It was inevitable. With how many nights and days you had spent  together, you started to see behind the stoic façade. Well, it wasn’t  really a façade, but there was more to Miguel than meet the eye and…you  wanted to be with him, and not just sexually.

Finally, the time  rolled. You give yourself one last look in the mirror before taking your  stuff and finally making your way to the restaurant. You arrived a few  minutes earlier, which was fine, you didn’t mind waiting, Once seated,  you brought out your phone, checking yourself in the reflection before  smiling to yourself a bit. The nerves were starting to eat through, but  everything would be fine, it would be a hell of a time. After making  sure your hair was still like you brushed it, you unlocked your phone  and searched for his contact. Shooting a quick text.

‘Miguel, I’m already at the restaurant, so don’t worry about picking the   table. See you in a bit.’ – 6:58.

You  smiled at the text before humming to yourself. A waitress approached  you, and you decided to start things off a bit early, getting yourself a  glass of whine while you waited for the man. Once the wine arrived, you  carefully sipped on it, distracting yourself with both the wine and  your phone until Miguel arrived.

Except, it was already 7:23, and  your boss had yet to arrive. You were starting to get angsty. He must be  running late, right? You checked your phone and noticed the man hadn’t  been online in the last 3 hours, Okay, that explained why he hadn’t  answered your text. Unlike you and everyone, it was like that man never  took a break, He must had gone to HQ today as well and was now running a  bit late. Yeah, that must be it. You’d give him a few more minutes and  maybe shoot another text. Yeah, you were a bit impatient, that was all.

‘Your sit is getting lonely without you.’ – 7:35

‘Well now I’m the one starting to get lonely.’ – 7:49

‘I’m starting to get worried here. Did something happen?’ – 7:58.

‘¿Holaaaa?’ 8:05

“…malditacea.”  You cursed under your breath. Deleting the next text, you were planning  on sending the man. It was nearly 8:30. And you were on your fourth  glass of wine. “…he really just stood me up.”

You whispered to  yourself. Disbelief coating your every word as you looked down at your  phone. There was no sign of the man at all. The city was also calm. Was  there a mission? Maybe…its not like the civilians working for them knew  all about the missions, surely it was a last-minute thing and he  couldn’t contact you. Yeah…yeah that must be it. After a beat, and a few  more seconds of hope, you sighed to yourself, looking at the clock.  Yeah…he…he was going to show up tonight.

‘I’m going home. Hope everything is alright.’ – 8:29.

After  asking for the check over the wines, you made your way back home.  Trying with every fiber of your being to rationalize what had just  happened. Surely there was an explanation for all of this. He would  surely call you the first moment he could and explain everything to you.  Maybe even offer to make it up to you. There…there was no way he’d  stood you up or ghost you intentionally, right?

That night, you  barely catch a wink of sleep. Thinking of the evening and the fact he  hadn’t shown up. It wasn’t until the very early hours of the morning  that you finally managed to get some sleep. And it wasn’t until the next  day afternoon that you woke up. Your tired body refused to get up from  the bed. It would be better to just stay there, you didn’t have work  until tomorrow either way. Although, there was just enough energy for  you to grab your phone from the nightstand and check it.

Still  nothing from Miguel. Your heart tightened around your chest, and tears  prickled your eyes. Even if there were no notifications you still  decided to unlock your phone and check the news. It didn’t seem to  report any attack or spider-man appearances the night before. Then you  checked the texts. Just in case you told yourself. But…you kind of  wished you didn’t. Apparently, Miguel had been online a few hours ago.  Not only that, but he had read your messages at the time he was only. It  appeared he had hopped on the chat around 11:00. But there was no  response yet…

‘Don’t you dare cry!’ You hissed to yourself.  Closing your eyes tightly, you didn’t know what you felt more. If  humiliation, sadness, or just pure anger. Internally you cursed  yourself, before throwing the phone back into the nightstand, covering  yourself from head to toe with the covers, trying to hold back the tears  as much as possible. There…there had to be an explanation, he wouldn’t  just leave you in seen like that. Even if you two were just ‘fuck  buddies’, he cared about you, right?! At least you hoped he did…you’d  just have to ask him tomorrow, and hopefully, everything would be  cleared up. But for now, for now you just wanted to fall asleep again.

*********

The  noise was getting to your nerves. You really pondered staying today at  home after the night rolled and there still were no signs of Miguel. But  you couldn’t afford to let your feelings get in the way of work.  Besides, if you saw him today, there would certainly be a conversation  about what had happened. He would surely apologize. As cold as the man  could be, he was also polite, he wouldn’t be the type to say yes to a  date and then never show up…even if that was exactly what he did.

You  shook your head from those thoughts and sighed. Your hand hovered over  the control panel. You took perhaps a few seconds too long to type in  the passcode to his office. And those around you were starting to  notice. You took a deep breath, trying to still the nerves and sighed.  You’d just act casual, and not upset. He would surely bring it up on his  own. Maybe even propose to make it up…

After a beat, you finally  typed in the passcode, entering the others office, and allowing the door  to close behind you. The difference between outside and inside the  office always meant you have to take a few seconds in order to adjust to  the dark. And the sudden deafening silence that was only contrasted by  the beeping of machines or Miguel typing something was the only thing  making the place seem active. You saw the platform move, and once it was  on the floor, you hopped in.

The first thing you noticed was how  messy the office seemed, There were papers scattered everywhere, the  trashcan had been flipped over, the chair was laying a good four feet  away from the desk, and talking about the desk, it had several dents  around its surface. You frowned at that. Certainly, that wasn’t there  when you were last here. But for now, you simply ignored it, focusing  your eyes on the man standing in front of the monitor. Once more, his  back was turned back on you. Except this time, you couldn’t see his face  at all.

“…m-morning, Miguel.” You started, glancing carefully at the man before clearing your throat. “I brought you your coffee.”

You  continued, placing the cup in the desk, making sure to place it in an  undamaged area just in case. Now you stayed silent, watching the mans  broad back once more. Who had yet to acknowledge you or said anything at  all. Your nerves started to pick up again. The usual tick kicking in as  you started clicking the pen rapidly.

"Uh…Miguel?”

You  spoke once more, this time, at the very least, earning a low sound in  response and the man to move his body ever so slightly to look at you.  There was a deep glare, frowning, and his eyes were bright red, making  you swallow as you starred at the man. Oh, he was pissed. You simply  blinked in his direction, the clicking sound still filling the room as  you starred at him, only for the man look back at the screen in front of  him. There was some kind of video being displayed over it, but from  your position you couldn’t make it out. Although, you had a feeling you  already knew the kind of video that was playing…

A father can never forget their little princess after all.

You  simply swallowed once more. Normally his irritated, pissed, angry,  raging or stressed mannerism or reactions didn’t bother you. Yes, at  first you did think the man was scary, but as time went on, you couldn’t  help but find him kind of…hot when he was angry, and thankfully, he  rarely ever directed that anger towards you, only being snappy and rude  at times but he quickly calmed down with you and just focused on his  job. That was until your…arrangement started. After that it became even  hotter when he was angry, because now instead of getting snappy or rude,  he’d simply slam you against the wall and started kissing you  fervently. Just the memory of it caused your knees to weaken. But right  now, there was no time for that.

Miguel might be pissed right now,  but you had every right to be as well! You waited almost two hours for  him to show up and the damn man didn’t. You had every right in the world  to be pissed off! But you simply sighed. ‘Something must have  happened’. You reason with yourself, before trying to put on the usual  smile just as you saw Miguel turn around towards the board.

“Did  you…do anything this weekend?” You questioned, maybe he was just ashamed  and didn’t want to bring it up, but he couldn’t escape from it forever.

“No.”

That  was his answer. Once more without turning around, without giving you  any sense that you mattered in any way…or that he even remembered your  plans.

“R…R-Really?” You spoke once more, the clicking became  faster. “No…villain here or a-an anomaly in in the multiverse? Any  special missions?” You chuckled, a bit nervously.

“Nope. Nada de nada.” His voice was…neutral. Almost empty. And that…kind of bothered you. If there was really where no pressing matters, then why did he…?

“…Miguel-“

“Just  get to the point, will you? I’m very busy.” He snapped, glaring at your  direction once more, only for his spiderweb to be shot in your  direction, wrapping around the pen, and snapping it right out of your  hand. “…that’s getting annoying.” He hissed. And now you didn’t know if  to be pissed, scared, or just leave the room altogether and come back  once he was in a better mood. You took a beat to answer, a frown  decorating your features before looking away, hugging the clipboard  against your body for a moment before sighing.

“…you didn’t go to our date.”

You started, almost a bit shy, feeling perhaps just a little silly as you looked down. You awaited his answers anxiously.

“…date?” He asked. “I never agreed to a date. Just dinner.”

Your  heart almost snapped in half at that, eyes going wide as you looked up  to the large figure in front of the monitors, The light from them was  hitting him from behind, making it harder to see his features. It didn’t  help that he was wearing the spider suit which surrounded him in a dark  color as well.

“…what-?”

“I agreed to dinner, and then forgot. Its not my fault if you believed there was something else going on between us two.”

Your  eyes went wide at that. Why would he-?! Okay, yeah, maybe you did jump  to conclusions thinking it was a date but that didn’t justify his  actions!

“I-I’m sorry, you forgot?” You hissed out. Anger started  to replace the sadness that had taken a hold of you after being ghosted  like that. “I sent you like five messages! How did you not see them-?!”

“I saw them.”

Miguel’s  voice was darker and sultrier than usual. He took a careful step  towards you, a glare on his eyes as his large body loomed over you, the  red from his eyes before more intense as you felt the heat radiate from  his body as he cornered you against the desk, the back of your knees  hitting the cold metal and making you want to shrink into yourself at t  proximity. His hands came down hard on the metal, making a sound that  echoed around the room, followed by the cup of coffee to fall to the  ground. Your heart5 threatened to come out of your chest as your eyes  went from the spilled cup to Miguel’s. Normally, the closeness would  make you want to jump at his bones, but this…you were he would just  forget and then not have the decency of apologizing; you were also ever  so slightly scared over his reactions. Why was he acting like this  suddenly.

“I forgot about our little outing. And from what you just said, I’m glad I did. We crossed a line.”

The man’s eyes burned into yours, and you simply couldn’t get a single word out.

“You  shouldn’t have thought this was anything else. From now on, stick to  your job and I’ll stick with mine. No more activities outside of our  actual job. It was a mistake…you were a mistake.”

With that, the  man pulled away from his, leaving the space surrounding you oddly cold  as he went back to his original position, his back once more to you, and  you couldn’t help but be silent for a good moment. Was that…was that  it? You had been sleeping together for months now! He went to you when  in need and held you close, he kissed and touched you like you were his  air on those nights, he went endlessly about needing you and how your  body was so perfect for him, how he needed you! And now he backed out  because he found out you had feelings for him?! Even after everything?!

You  couldn’t help the angry tears that were spilling out of your eyes as  you glared at his back. Your knuckles had turned white with the fire you  were gripping the flipboard. Your eyes burned with both tears and hate,  and you bit down on your lip as hard as you could in order to hold back  any sounds from escaping. After that you refused to let him hear you  cry over him.

“…eres un cabron.” You bark out, moving harshly away from the desk before walking away.

You couldn’t stand being another second in the same room as that man. There was no way you would stay there after he-! After he…

You  made your way to the bathroom. Making sure no one was there before  closing the door harshly as you proceed to let the tears come out, all  the way holding back the sobs as best as you could. The last thing you  needed was to make it obvious to the other spiders that you were sobbing  in the bathroom because of their stupid boss having put you in your  place. He was…he was right, after all.

While he was a complete and  utter asshole about it, the man was right. You had fallen for him, and  it was your fault for making up ideas and thinking there might be a  chance he might just feel the same. It was just sex…and it was clear  that you were expendable to him. Now you had to go back to being nothing  but his secretary and assistant after sharing a bed with the man in  countless occasions. After being the only one that was allowed to take  care of his wounds and see the mask fall ever so slightly once he was  calm and ready to sleep. Now you had to go back to thinking of him as  nothing but your asshole boss. Like he hadn’t meant the world to you  just some days ago. It hurt just how easily he threw you aside…

You  should never have asked him out. You…you were so stupid to think there  was a chance than you could ever mean something to someone like Miguel  O’hara.

The rest of the day went into a blur. He at least had the  decency of not calling you for anything. You didn’t even know what you  had done after that. And the roar of your stomach indicated you had  skipped lunch as well. You were as cordial as possible to the rest of  the spiders that approached you, but not your usual friendly self, not  even with those you were closest to. Barely speaking any words, saying  you were down and felt kind of sick. They didn’t seem to believe you,  but that was okay…you just had to get trough the day. And somehow, you  managed it. You stood inside your apartment, eyes low and lost as you  thought back on the conversation with your…your what, really? You never  got to be anything other than fuck buddies, and even then, that might  be a stretch. You had told yourself you were okay with being his  personal stress relief toy but now that you were thrown away, discarded,  and forgotten just like that…like an actual useless toy, now you  realized weren’t okay with that at all. You had wanted him so badly at  the time you didn’t care if it hurt you, and now you regretted every  decision you had taken ever since that first time as much as Miguel was  probably regretting having slept with you the first time. You felt your chest tighten around you and damn it hurt so badly.

“A  mistake, huh…?” You whispered to yourself, slowly moving away from the  door, and flopping into the couch. “…that one stung the most.”

Your  word was tiny and broke at the end as a new wave of tears hit. You  hated yourself, and you wondered just how in the multiverse you were  going to face him in the next few days. You had to be close to him. But  you were determined to keep it professional and not show the man just  how much he had hurt you. To think the hero of your world could be such  an idiot…

*********

Three weeks. That’s how long it had been  since you had your heart personally ripped out and stepped on by the  hero of your universe. It had been three weeks of avoiding being alone  together in the same room as him, three weeks of barely keeping any  conversation other than him giving you instructions on what to do an you  carrying them out, Three weeks of starring at the mans back from your  place as you wished he would either turn back and devour you like usual,  or at the very least give you one of those not so soft looks he had  reserved only for you. Three weeks on wanting him to talk to you,  apologize for what he said, how you wished he would turn around and ask  for your forgiveness because by God would you take him back in a  heartbeat. Even if he hurt you, you were still infatuated with him. But  then again, it had been three weeks since the man had called you a  mistake, three weeks, since he dared to be anywhere near close to you or  even look at you longer than necessary.

It still hurt badly. But  it seemed you were able to hide it well. Of course, your closest friends  asked you about your mood and the like, but it seemed you were able to  deflect it well enough. Even if you still wanted him badly, it didn’t  mean you were over his hurtful words.

You shook your head slowly.  The background noise of the microwave being an almost relaxing sound as  you looked out your window down to the city. The same window which you  would leave open at night so the man could sneak in if he felt like it…  You simply couldn’t seem to take him out of your head. After a few  seconds, you went back to the microwave the retrieve the popcorn. Some  of them were a little burned, but most were fine. Refusing the dirty a  clean bowl, you grabbed a napkin and returned to the couch before  struggling to find the controller for a few minutes. Once found, you  absentmindly put play on the movie and returned to watching it. That had  been your routine ever since…well. You tried to turn your entire mind  off and focus on the movie playing.

At some point you just zoned  out, simply starring at the vivid colors on the T.V, your hand moving on  autopilot to feed yourself some popcorns, but your mind was entirely  elsewhere. So bad, in fact, that you didn’t even hear your window being  tapped the first three times. It wasn’t until you heard the window being  smashed and the crystal falling onto the wooden floor that your head  snapped to the window, jumping in place, and making your drink spill all  over the couch.  For a moment you noticed absolutely nothing, just the  broken shards falling over the edge of the window and the ones on the  floor. That scene quickly changed as a figure came into view, obscuring  your surroundings as a shadow fell over your head.

Your eyes once  move snapped upwards, the red glow emanating from the person making you  fear for a moment until your mind finally fully processed the scene in  front of you.

“…you locked the window.” Miguel’s voice came through, and you felt rage like no other invaded you.

“…Miguel, what the actual fuck?! Did you smash my window in order to get in-!”

You  were about to keep yelling at him, only for the man to bring a finger  over his lips and shush you, looking slightly over his shoulders.

“…we need to leave. Now.”

He stated. There was no explanation, just an order. And that pissed you the fuck off.

“Oh hell no.” You hissed. “I’m not going anywhere with you!”

“There  isn’t time for this!” He hissed as well, grabbing your arm harshly and  making you stand up as you glared at him, His hold wasn’t that tight  around your wrist, so you managed to shake it off and walk away from his  looming figure.

“Oh, no, no, no, no, no! You won’t do this. You  have no right to barge into my fucking apartment like this after  ghosting me on our plans and then discarding me to the side like a  freaking rag doll! What the fuck are you doing here?!” You screamed at  him.

“Ill explain everything at HQ, but we need to-“

“Miguel!”  Lyla suddenly came into view, the small hologram screamed out his name,  sounding desperate. Almost like a warning. Before you could even  process her appearance, the man shoots a web at you, and another towards  the wall. Just as your body hit against his after you had been pulled  towards him, you heard a loud, thundering noise, followed by a crash and  a whisk of air as he pulled you both on the other web, close to the  wall.

“Mierda…” He hissed, glaring at something or someone in your  apartment. You tried to look back, only for the man to pull you closer  to his chest, holding you there as he proceeded to shoot a web to the  broken window and take you both out of the place as you felt something  starting to charge towards you both. “Team, we need you now.”

His  voice commanded, and as you held onto him for dear life, you managed to  look over his shoulder just in time to see Jess, Ben, Hobbie and some  other spiders charge at the creature that was breaking the walls of your  apartment. His hand around your waist tightened as he swung around the  city as fast as he could. You could feel his tense muscles through the  suit. You didn’t know what the hell had just happened, but even though  you were pissed still at him, the fear was now stronger as you held even  tighter around him.

On a far away building you saw Miles, Gwen  and Peter B. Miguel shouted something to them before they started  swinging in the direction to your apartment. If there were so many  spiders from society then it must be some kind of anomaly. And a strong  one at that.

Once at HQ, picked you up bridal style before going  in his room’s direction. He seemed a bit calmer now, probably since he  knew his team must be handling the anomaly, or by being back safe in the  Headquarters. Whatever was the reason, you weren’t going to ask. You  were still riding down the high of your apartment being broken into,  being almost attacked by an anomaly, then saved by Miguel, swung through  the whole city, and now being sat down on his bed as he locked the door  of his dark room. Making sure to activate the security before taking  his mask off.

“Lyla. How’s the team?” he hissed out. The small  hologram appeared and frowned for a moment, which only earned her a  glare from Miguel before she scoffed.

“Rude as always.” She  stated, before some screens appeared around her. “They seem to be having  a hard time with the anomaly, but they are hanging on.” At that Miguel  sighed, nodding.

“Tell me if things escalate. I’ll go helps, for  now I’ll stay with them.” He stated, glancing at you who were just  managing to calm down your breath before looking at him just as Lyla  disappeared. Miguel slowly approached you, an almost concerned frown on  his face as he kneeled in front of you. Even like that the man was so  tall… “…you, okay?”

His voice…this time it was soft. A tone you  had heard a few times in the last few months but right now it made you  almost melt right in front of him. He sounded almost concerned over  you…the same man that some weeks ago had called you a mistake.

“…I  think so…” You whisper, looking down at your hands for a moment before  looking back at the man, locking your eyes with his. He was…rather  close. “Miguel, what was that? Was that creature after me…?” You  whispered.

Miguel sighed, looking away from you before rubbing the  bridge of his noise, exhaling harshly before giving a half nod and  shrug.

“Something like that. More after me than you.” He whispers,  before sighing at your puzzled expression. “Three weeks ago…the day of  our date.”

He started, and you couldn’t help but feel your heart skip a beat and also squeeze at the mention of that night.

“There  was a mission. An anomaly made itself know in Universe 362.” He  started. “With the local spiderman and some other spiders we went to  check it out and contain it. But it was far stronger than I anticipated.  There was also the fact it could universe hop. That made it even more  dangerous.”

His eyes narrowed. Just now you had become aware he  had taken one of your hands and was tracing shapeless forms on your hand  with his thumb, making you blush slightly.

“It managed to defeat  us and hope for another universe. Not before leaving his mark on me.  Apparently,” he sighed again, avoiding your eyes still, “the creature  finds which the marked cares for the most. Then it attacks the person.  Once they die, the anomaly feeds onto the sorrow and desire of the  market to see their loved one again. Using that as his energy to hop  into another universe and repeat the process.”

He finished, looking at you slightly, before looking away once more, rubbing the back of his neck.

“We  are still figuring out properly how its powers work. But once it  presented itself into our universe tonight, we had to jump into action  to get it before it could hurt you.”

His eyes lingered on your  palm for a couple of seconds, before looking back at you. You simply  stared at him for a few seconds, processing the information. But there  was something that weighed on your mind more than any of the things he  had just said.

“…you care the most about me?” You whispered,  cheeks burning as a small smile come to your lips, placing your free  hand over his, making the man groan before he looked away.

“…I was  an idiot to you.” He whispered, moving ever so slightly closer. “I was  scared the creature might hurt you, so I tried to distance myself from  you when I should have been keeping you close. I was the one who hurt  you instead…”

Now it was your turn to move closer, some locks of  hair had fallen to the front, framing his face in a way that accentuated  just how handsome the man was, with his jawline and deep eyes, and his  lips…

“…so, I’m not a mistake?” You whisper, leaning even closer now, placing your forehead against his. The mans eyes fluttered closed, and you could feel your heart jump out.

“Never.”

With  that, he finally closed the space between you both, his lips clashing  against yours in an almost romantic kiss as you brought a hand to his  cheek, cupping it and leaning into him even more as the kiss went on.  And on. And on before he finally moved away, breathless, eyes on your  lips as you looked back at him with red cheeks, biting your lower lip  slightly, before the man started to kiss you again.

This time the  kiss was more needy, more passionate, more...him. More what you were  used to when you were suddenly awoken in the middle of the night with  the large man attacking your neck waiting for you to finally wake up and  give yourself to him just like you had done so many times before. Even  then, he still managed to deepen the kiss, which now had turned into  more of an open mouthed one as his tongue explored you fervently. The  hand on his cheek went to his hair, pulling on it slightly before he  groaned, breaking the kiss to attack your neck. Not before pulling on  your lower lip with his teeth. As he went to your neck, you noticed the  tip of his fangs starting to come out, which was then confirmed as you  felt them nick at your skin before he started kissing your neck. Small  gasps and noises started leaving your lips as you moved your head to  give the man more space, willing to give yourself to him in any way he  wanted just like you had so many times before. His lips kept going on  your neck, slowly trailing down before his hand started to grab the hem  of your shirt, easily pulling it over your head. With the momentary  break of the kiss, you were going to take that opportunity to breathe,  only for his desperate lips to come clashing down on you once more as  you gasped against, before melting. At some point your bra had been  discarded and his large thumb was tracing, pressing, rolling, teasing,  and taking care of your breast and nipple as you grunted slightly  against yet another kiss, started to want more and more. Once he felt he  had marked and sucked on your neck enough, he pushed you back into the  bed before climbing next to you.

“Miguel…”

You whispered,  only for his tongue to make contact with your nipple, getting a gasp out  of you. He started to suck on the small bud, making you arch your back  into his mouth before groaning slightly. You could feel him smirking at  your reaction. His fangs slightly caressed the small bud, and the sense  of slightly danger at the idea he might bite them only helped to turn  you on even more, the familiar heat making you push your thighs together  slightly before giving another gasp as the man attacked the other  nipple with his mouth, Teasing the wet one in between his fingers,  making you squirm and call his name once more.

After a few  moments, you felt his hand leaving your nipple and going to your legs,  easily spreading them apart, which made the blush on your cheeks only  grow as you leaned back onto the comfortable bed. It wasn’t long before  the man had taken your pants and underwear off, while he stayed in his  suit, with only his mask off as he is kissing his way down from your  breast to you belly, open mouthed kisses leaving his trail as he kept  going down, until he reached the spot he wanted. Once there, the man  position himself in between your legs, one hand was moving away one of  your legs, while he had licked one of his fingers before slowly moving  it in between your folds, making you squirm at the light sensation where  you wanted to be touched the most.

His eyes never left that area  as he worked his fingers in spreading your lips, before he made contact  with your clit, making you arch your back almost instantly. Before you  had even relaxed back into the bed, he dived right in. His warm, wet,  and soft tongue making you let out a moan as you grabbed onto the  bedsheets, moaning out his name before gasping in need.

His tongue  felt amazing against you like that. Flicking and slowly moving your  clit, giving it his entire attention. Warmth spread all over your body  as his tongue kept tasting you, only for his movements to become faster,  earning a few more moans and gaps as you arched your back once more,  toes curling.

Ah~! Fuck…Miguel…” You moaned, making the man smirk,  his own suit was already quite tight in his crotch area, and after  pondering for a moment he removed it, leaving the man in nothing but his  underwear as his tongue kept working on you. At some point he let your  poor clit rest as he trailed his tongue all the way down to your  entrance before going all the way back to your clit. It made you shudder  and grab onto the sheets harsher. You were starting to get desperate,  wanting him inside of you just oh so badly. “Miguel…” You whispered.

“Soon.”  He answe3red without you even needing to make your petition. You  groaned in response, only to gasp as his tongue pushed into your  entrance, going as deep as he could before attacking your clit for a few  seconds again. Just as you were starting to feel the warmth growing,  you felt one of his large fingers starting to tease your entrance.  Slowly, yet with the confidence of a man that knew exactly what you  liked it, he slipped it inside, making you groan slightly.

You were a bit tense; it had been a while since the last time the man had been inside of you. You would need to get used to him…

Although,  you weren’t sure he would have enough patience for that. Before you had  gotten properly used to the first finger, he started trying to  introduce the second one, making you tense up a but more as your  eyebrows furrowed in pain.

“Hey…relax.” You weren’t sure if he was  asking you to, pleading or commanding you, but his mere voice had such  an effect on you. Specially as his warm eyes starred up at you, while  his breath hit your clit that he had stopped working on just to say that  to you. It made you so weak in the legs you were glad you were laying  down on the bed.

After a few deep breaths, you finally felt his  second finger slide in. The movements started soon afterwards, making  you groan softly, before starting to moan as you got used to his fingers  inside of you again, the slow repetitive movement, accompanied by his  tongue on your clit rendered you a complete mess before you even had  time to process much. His tongue and fingers were making you feel so  good, you felt so needy and wanton that you would have almost begged for  more be it not for the fact you were already on the edge of your  orgasm. And if you assumed correctly, that would be only the first of  the night.

“Miguel~! I-I’m going to-! F-Fuck…”

Once more you  could feel his smirk against you, but the man certainly didn’t stop at  all. His fingers simply went faster as his tongue kept the perfect pace  to make you arch your back as a wave of pleasure and warmth took over  you, making you moan out his name as the orgasm hit you in full power,  toes curling and hands going to his head, pulling on it harshly. You  didn’t let go of his hair until the overwhelming pleasure of the orgasm  left. You had closed your eyes for a few seconds, but feeling both his  hands separate your legs once more made you open them, only to go wide  eyed at the sight in front of you.

Miguel had removed his  underwear. His member was starring right at you, with precum already  oozing out of the tip, a clear sign the man was ready to take you all  the way that night, you felt your walls clench on nothing at the idea of  having his member fill you up like he had done so many times. And  although you had just reached an orgasm, you felt yourself getting even  more turned on. Especially when he placed the tip of his member on your  entrance, before rubbing it on your lips, making you moan. That seemed  to satisfy him, before he placed it back on your entrance.

“…tell me if it gets too much, okay?”

He  whispers, and you only managed to move as you wrapped your legs around  his waist, not even able to intertwine them with simply how big he was.  In all sense of the word…

Slowly, you felt your walls stretching  around him as the man started pushing his member in. You closed your  eyes tightly, taking deep breaths in order to relax your body, before  groaning softly. Miguel watched your face carefully. He was barely  inside of you and his enormous member was already making you feel all  stretched out. Of course, that was the case at all. ‘This is what  happens after three weeks of not taking him’. You think to yourself,  before gasping as he pushed deeper inside.

“Miguel~” Your voice  melted in the end, making the man groan as you felt his hands tighten  harshly around your thighs. He would surely leave a mark. But you didn’t  care about that at all, all you wanted was him. As if on cue, the man  started to push deeper inside of you, making you throw your head back  into the pillow and moan out once more. You couldn’t wait until he was  all the way inside and pounding inside of you. But for now, you were  kind of enjoying it as stretched you out until your body was able to  take him all in inside of you. Miguel, on the other hand, was enjoying  thoroughly just how tight you felt around him, holding him back from  slamming deep inside of you, instead, wanting to ease you into taking  him all in so you would enjoy yourself as well.

But you were certainly already enjoying yourself.

“Fuck!”  You cursed, walls tightening around him as well. The man was a bit more  than halfway inside and it had already made you roll your eyes. Maybe  waiting for a bit before taking him wasn’t such a bad idea…your  neediness was making everything so damn good, even the slight pain as he  pushed even deeper inside of you. You couldn’t wait until his entire  cock was filling you to the brim.

“Sh, sh, sh~” The man shushed,  leaning close to whisper those sounds on your ear, the movement in turn  making him go deeper inside of you, making you melt into the pillows,  eyes closed tightly and a small whine leaving your lips in need as he  nit on your earlobe, before kissing and biting on your neck some more.  “I’m almost all the way in~”

“You…you sound as needy as me.”

You  joked, only to grunt as Miguel pushed himself deeper. Damn it, it was  starting to feel so good. He had you so stretched out and all you wanted  was for him to start moving already but the man refused to do so until  he was all the way in, with his balls touching your bare ass.

“I  am.” Was all; the answer before he took your leaps into a heated kiss.  One which extended for a while. One which he took advantage of before  finally going all the way inside of you. You couldn’t help but break the  kiss with a harsh moan as your back arched again, your hand gripping  his hair for dear life before a small whimper let your lips.

“F-Fuck, Miguel~. S-So good…p-please move.”

You  basically pleaded. You were too desperate to wait and get used to his  size all the way inside of you like that. He would be careful enough  while moving at first, so you’d be used to it either way. You saw no  point in waiting a second more. It seemed like the man agreed with you,  because without saying another word, and with his hands keeping your  legs wrapped around him, he started moving, slow and steady, giving you  time to get used to his entire length deep inside of you before he  pulled out and halfway before pushing inside again. You tensed up around  him, before moaning and relaxing once more. Your hands were wrapped  around his neck, pulling his face close to you, which only seemed to  satisfy him as he smirked, moving once more.

That was so good.  Your body was needy and all you wanted now was for him to get in his  usual rhythm. Which he started building up as he felt you relax around  him, your walls no longer so tight around you as he started to kiss your  neck, lips, face as his hips started thrusting into you.

The  sensation was always magnificent. His hips clashing against yours and  making a lewd sound as you moaned out in pleasure. A personal favorite  of you was when Miguel was into it enough that he started gasping and  letting out small noises of his own, it was just all too damn sexy to  think you could get that reaction out of him. Another moan shook you to  your chore as you felt the man starting to pull out even more before  slamming right back inside. It wasn’t yet all the way out, but he was  getting to that, your legs were laid limply around him, as your hands  and nails dragging on his back as you moaned out his name.

The man  kept moving inside of you, His large member reaching those sweet spots  inside of you as you couldn’t help but arch your back and take him all  in with such fervor.  His slight pants started to become gasps and  almost needy grunts as he pushed deeper inside of you until he finally  fell into the perfect rhythm you both enjoyed so much, With the man  pulling out almost all the way out before pushing himself deep inside of  you, his balls slapping your butt as you moaned out his name with no  shame. His pace growing faster and faster the more the two of you fell  deeper into the desire.

At some point the man pulled a bit away,  his chest no longer hovering over yours, but his hips did not stop for  even half a second. And you were oh so thankful for that. You needed him  so badly, you needed him to fill you up like he had done during those  nights, you missed his scent, his body, his voice, you had missed him so  much even if you thought you should be hating him for his words. And it  seemed like he had missed you, his eyes wouldn’t leave your body, be it  looking at where your bodies connected as he slammed himself deep  inside of you, watching as your breast moved as he penetrated you, or  just starring at your face with lips half parted. Either wishing he  could fuck your lips and mouth later or wanting to kiss you and  swallowing your moans, or, just perhaps, simply admiring how good he was  making you feel as your eyes started rolling to the back of your head.

Every  now and then he would change your positions or something in his  movements. Now that he was more sitting than laying on top of you, the  man had taken it upon himself to spread your legs open even more and  using his thumb to stimulate your clit some more. At this point you were  nothing but a moaning mess, up to the man’s desires just like you had  been ever since that first time, and just like you would be now that you  knew he had feelings for you as well. It made you so happy, and the  fact he was touching you once more only made it even better.

Your  mind was lost in the pleasure as you simply moaned and squirmed a bit,  enjoying the pounding to your genitalia and his hand on your clit. But  that familiar warmth was starting to build again, and based on his  erratic movements, it seemed you were not the only one that was starting  to get close. For a moment, Miguel pulled out of you, just for a second  though, you didn’t even have time to react before the man easily moved  your body like you weighted nothing, putting you on your side, before  grabbing your leg and placing your feet up on his shoulder. Once hand  keeping tat leg in place while the other guided his member deep inside  of you once more. It didn’t take long before he started pounding  desperately inside of you, his other hand quickly going to your clit  once more and you relished into the overwhelming pleasure that his  member and body were giving you. In that position you could feel him  hitting all the good spots, and you had long lost your mind as you  simply moaned his name and called out to him. One hand on his bicep as  you used the other to tease your own nipple, which Miguel seemed to like  as his movements became faster. Surely, soon enough, the warm on your  lower area came back, driving you close to the edge once more.

“Yes~!  Nhgg~!! M-Miguel! K-Keep going~!” You moaned, not being able to control  any part of your body anymore, simply allowing all the pleasure to take  over. His movements were the fastest as they could get tonight, and he  was clearly struggling to hold on just a bit longer, so you’d have the  pleasure of hitting your orgasm first. There was sweat over his forehead  and shoulders, which only somehow helped to make him even more  handsome. And it was just so good! His movements and length were able to  pleasure you in ways no one else had and you had no interest in another  person figuring them out anymore.

You were Miguel’s. In and out.

After  a few more movements on his part, you felt yourself being driven over  the edge. Your eyes rolled back, walls tightening around Miguel tightly,  who refused to cease his movements as he fucked you throughout your  orgasm, the wave of pleasure leaving you a mess as you moaned out his  name in a desperate plead. Once it had passed, you still couldn’t help  but moan and whine a bit as his movements had yet to cease, and had, in  fact, become faster. After a few more thrusts, the man let out a harsh  groan, grabbing your thigh harshly as he buried himself as deep as he  could reach inside of you before spreading his seed there.

You  could feel his thick seed filling you up to the brim, making you groan a  bit before you slowly looked at Miguel again. The man had his head low,  and he was panting ever so slightly, before he leaned close and took  your lips into his. As the kiss went on, he slowly pulled out of you,  leaving you feeling almost empty before you groaned slightly, making him  chuckle against the kiss.

Once the kiss ended, the man would drop  beside you, quickly pulling you close to his body and covering you both  with his sheets. Normally, this would not be the end of your  activities, but given that it had been so long since you last had  pleasured each other like that, you were quite happy he had decided to  cuddle instead of going for another round. That could be left for later.  You nuzzled into the man’s strong and wide chest, which he lazily  placed a hand around you, making you sigh happily, your eyes scanning  his face as he slowly closed his eyes, before looking at the ceiling,  then at you.

“…huh” you started, before smirking up at him. “You  called it a date.” You commented, remembering back on his words after he  rescued you. That only earned you a groan from Miguel before he kissed  the top of your head.

“Go to sleep.” He commanded, making you laugh a bit before you hummed.

After  a few seconds, Miguel watch would beep, earning a grunt out of him  before he tapped on it. A screen would pull up, showing Jessica, in the  background one could see Miles and Peter talking, with the anomaly  trapped just beside them.

“We got it. It was hard, but we finally  managed to take it down.” She spoke. It didn’t seem like she could see  either of you two though.

“Great job. Bring him back so we can determine what to do with him.”

With  a hum, Jessica hung up, leaving you both alone once more. You looked at  Miguel’s face once more, your naked body pressed against his, the  warmth of the events just now making you feel just so happy to be  his…and…now you dared to say he was yours as well. Once again, your mind  went back to the conversation before you both started to get heated.  ‘The anomaly searched for who he cared for the most…’

A small smile spread across your lips, before moving up and kissing Miguel’s cheeks.

“…I  love you too.” You whispered, and for the first time since meeting him,  you saw Miguel flush slightly, before he simply kissed your forehead.

“…I know.” He whispered back. And with that, you both allowed sleep to take you, feeling loved in each other’s arms.

Welp, this was it! I know it was a pretty long read, but i hope yall enjoyed it! I dont know this man well enough so im sorry if he reads a bit out of character. I also hope i did justice to my fellow spanish speakers and the spanish parts werent cringe. Hope yall enjoyed it! Please let me know what yall thought!

[preciousbarnes]

bucky asking you to marry him?

Happy Ever After

Pairing: Bucky Barnes x Reader

Warnings: some minor negative self talk/thoughts, fluff, happy tears

Bucky couldn’t bring himself to be the one to ask. Of course, back in the 40’s before the trauma and the abuse and the winter soldier he had always imagined himself becoming a family man; but, that didn’t seem to be something in the cards for him now.

Then, he met you.

You were everything he had ever dreamed of all those decades ago. Kind, sweet, gentle, full of love that you gave him so willingly; even after learning of his past.

When he thought of his future now, you were at his side. But, he never let his thoughts venture to marriage and kids. Even after all the years of extensive therapy, he still struggled with feeling undeserving of your commitment and unconditional love that you gave him. Part of him always assumed someday, all his baggage would take its toll, and you would make the decision to leave.

You weren’t about to let him live the rest of his life with you thinking this way. So, you got planning. You talked to Steve to learn Bucky’s upcoming mission schedule so you could ensure you picked a time where the night and next couple days would be free. You took Bucky on a romantic mini-vacation to a cabin Tony owned in the woods, where it would just be the two of you. You stocked the cabin with all the necessities for you both, including ingredients to make Bucky’s favorite dish; your lasagna. You both sat together at the dining table that night, under candlelight with a bouquet of beautiful wildflowers and your delicious meal.

Bucky sipped his beer, leaning back in his chair and feeling utterly spoiled and stuffed after dinner. Part of him worried he must have missed an important date for you to have gone all out like this. Did he forget his birthday again?

He worked up the courage to ask you finally, and was relieved by your soft chuckle and shake of your head, telling him no, he hadn’t forgotten anything. Instead, you told him, you hoped this day would turn into a special date for you both. He cocked his head, uncertain what you meant.

You reached in your pocket and pulled out a simple titanium band, and Bucky sucked in a breath looking at it gleam in the light. His eyes went from the band to your eyes, searching them for an explanation.

“I love you James. And I know you love me. I also know a part of you still thinks I’m going to get fed up with something and leave someday. But you’re it for me, Bucky. You’re my past, my present, my future; you’re my everything. Just as I am yours. Would you give me the honor of becoming your wife? Will you marry me?” You asked him softly, a gentle smile gracing your face as you held the ring out to him.

You see tears gather in Bucky’s eyes, and he blinks rapidly to clear them. He shakily smiles, and clears the lump of emotion that had formed in his throat. After a moment, he speaks.

“I think this is supposed to be the other way around, Doll. But yes, of course, I’ll marry you, sweetheart. I don’t want anything else as much as I want forever with you,” he tells you, leaning across the table to kiss you so gently and full of love and emotion.

You find yourselves wrapped up in bed together later that night, warm and sated and content. Your head rests on his chest, your legs entangled and you hold his hand, playing with the new addition to his hand, the simple wedding band resting there looking like it’s always belonged there.

Suddenly, Bucky moves, gently moving your head to rest on the pillow as he stands in all his naked glory, shamelessly crossing the room to his suitcase, rummaging through it silently.

You smirk, taking him in.

“Not that I mind the show, babe, but what are you doing?” You ask him with a giggle in your voice.

He finds what he was looking for, an old and small box from a lifetime ago in his hands.

“I have something for you, it was my ma’s. She passed it down to me, and Steve held on to it while he thought I was gone. It’s yours now.” His husky voice told you as he opened the box, revealing a beautiful engagement ring that had once been his mothers. You hand moves to cover your mouth as your eyes fill with tears, holding your left hand out to him as he takes the ring out of the box, then slipping it on your finger. Surprisingly to the both of you, it’s original size was a perfect fit.

“I brought it with me this weekend. I don’t know why, it usually stays in my safe with my guns, but something told me to bring it. My ma gave it to me, after I was drafted. It stayed on my dog tags for a while in the war, until I decided to put it back in the box when I worried about it getting damaged. I thought it was long gone until Steve gave it back to me a few years back. My ma hoped I’d find a nice girl to settle down with, have a family with. She woulda loved you, doll.” He says softly as he sits back down on the bed next to you, getting back under the covers. His hand reaches up and brushes some of your hair back behind your ear, coming down to cradle your cheek.

You lean into the touch, tears forming again at the mention of his mother. You wish you could have met the woman responsible for the amazing man you felt so blessed to have.

“I would have loved her too, Bucky. I do love her, and I’m so thankful to her for having such an amazing son.” You whisper to him before leaning in and giving him another sweet kiss. You both lost yourselves in the feeling of the kiss, the happiness and love radiating off of you both. You both were getting your happily ever afters.

[anashins]

hello author! :> can i request a jaehyun scenario based on niki’s backburner? it can be very angsty if you want! it’s also up to u if happy ending or not hehe

Pairing: Jaehyun x Reader

Genre: angst, slight fluff

Warnings: mc is in an unhealthy relationship

Word Count: 1k

Summary: You know you have to break up with your boyfriend who made it clear that you're not his priority. But if one good day makes up for seven bad ones, you consider that it might be all worth it in the end.

A/N: This hit wayyyy close to home, wow 🥲 Hope you like it 💖 

“I’m sorry I haven’t called earlier.”

You were currently on your way home from the airport, not having expected Jaehyun to call. In fact, he hadn’t called all week while you had been abroad for a business trip despite you always updating him about your whereabouts and feeding him with pictures of places he had never been to before. It was top tier girlfriend behavior from your stance. You had always been a perfect partner to him.

But, as of now, you didn’t even know what you two were for each other anymore.

“You ignored me for an entire week, Jaehyun,” you said into the phone while carrying your bag and suitcase across the street. “The past two days, I even stopped texting you altogether and you didn’t even care. You didn’t ask how I’ve been, what I was doing… whether I was even still alive!”

You heard him snort into the phone, and that fueled your underlying anger even more that had somehow developed from your pent up frustration. “Come on, y/n. You were with many other people. What should have happened to you?”

It was not the first time that you were leading this conversation and you were tired of going around in circles, which was why you didn’t even decide to argue against his ridiculous excuse. You asked yourself if he would have even noticed had you not returned, had something truly happened to you. And the possible answer drove you to the brink of tears. 

Your silence was an invitation for him to continue with a voice that almost convinced you of his feigned regret, “It was a very busy week for me that also took a toll on my mental health, so I was out with friends a lot. Of course I looked at your photos and appreciated them. How could I not, knowing I have such a beautiful girlfriend? But I was under so much stress and often couldn’t bring up enough strength for daily tasks. I can only apologize again that I made you feel neglected.”

You sighed deeply that he was most likely to hear. Somehow, anger gave way to love again - like always. When you had read his name on your display earlier, your heart had almost jumped out of your chest, that was how happy you had felt to finally get a sign of life from him before rationality settled. 

After all, you still loved him with every fiber of your body. Even though your brain had been telling you to leave, your heart just couldn’t align.

“It’s always like this, Jaehyun,” you brought yourself to say eventually. “Whenever you feel overwhelmed and want to detach from the world, you’re detaching from me too. But it’s somehow always only me who ends up getting shut out by you while you remain in all your other friendships and relationships. And I’m tired of feeling this way, I’m tired of you never letting me in, of being put aside, of getting hurt by your behavior. Please don’t call me anymore. Never again.”

You didn’t know whether it was the newly gained courage of a successful business trip, newly found confidence after doing sightseeing all by yourself or just your brain finally dominating over your heart that had made you say that, but it hurt like hell and you regretted it instantly.

How many times had you found yourself in this position? How many times had you still agreed on working through and ended up at this point still? 

“Well, that’s kind of unfortunate,” Jaehyun spoke. “Because I’m already here.”

The next moment, you found yourself in front of your entrance door and your boyfriend waiting right next to it. Suppressing the urge to drop all your luggage and jump into his arms right away, you approached him reluctantly, your facial expression bland, his beaming with joy on the other hand.

When Jaehyun wrapped his arms around you and welcomed you back, your hands loosely hung to your sides. Had he just forgotten the words you had said a moment ago? And had you forgotten as well when your own arms acted on their own and slowly wandered up his back, your head resting on his shoulder, hugging him tightly?

“I truly mean it.” He pressed a tender kiss on your parting. “I’m so sorry.”

A tear escaped from the corner of your eye, but you swallowed the rest down, not wanting to show weakness in front of him. “I missed you so much.”

No “I missed you too”, no “I love you”, no kiss on the lips as expected, but the happiness you felt being so closely embraced by him again after a week of no contact overshadowed all sane thoughts that swam in the back of your mind. 

“Let’s go upstairs and order some food,” Jaehyun suggested. “I have to get up early for work tomorrow, which was why I couldn’t join my friends for a drink. So I was very lucky to have you back today.”

This was wrong. So, so wrong. But his presence was like a drug, and the thought to go entirely without him from now on hurt so bad, it nearly suffocated you. Perhaps, this was your fate. To quietly suffer the majority of the time just to be happy for a day or two. Didn’t everyone have to pay a price for their happiness? In the end, no one could be happy all the time in a relationship, couldn't they?

Jaehyun walked in front of you into the building while you carried your entire luggage yourself, asking yourself again whether this was all worth it, to be the back burner. Or whether to end it once and for all, feel the pain for only a short time, and then start anew.

But when you found yourself lying in his arms and listening to his regular breathing later that night, you felt so happy again that your heart almost burst, quieting your brain once again.

In the end, it was worth it, being in the back of his mind.

[kunstmull]

Ash-ra

So I've annoyed all of my friends by going on and on about this band to the point where no one is answering my emails any more. So I'm just going to be spamming this tag until all of Tumblr blocks me (no, really - if I irritate you, I'd much rather you just block me and go on with your online life!) Buckle up, I'm going in.

When I first found started exploring Buck-Tick, this was one of the first songs I clicked on, just based on the title alone. It's called Ash-ra*, off an album literally entitled COSMOS - do you think there's a chance there might be some Kosmische Krautrock going on here?

*I've since seen some blogs express confusion as to why the title uses this spelling, rather than the Japanese Asura or Ashura. ASH-RA TEMPEL. Lords of Berlin-School Kosmische (Kosmische - "Cosmic" - is what many of the actual German groups of the time called the music that we British jokingly called "Krautrock") led by chess-board pattern loving Meister of electronic guitar manipulation, Manuel Göttsching.

I hit play.

::drums start up::

YES OH GOD YES - Toll immediately goes in for the most Lange-Gerade MOTORIK. This isn't even Dinger-beat, this is the full Jaki Liebezeit, like Mother Sky on speed.

12 seconds in, and there's strange slithering static noises, like the glitchy tape experiments on the B-side of NEU! 2 - yes YES! The tiger is OUT!

And then the guitar starts

Effortless, weightless, just hanging above the driving rhythm section like a seagull riding a glider. This is pure Michael Rother, that endless tone that seems to stretch off into the horizon, a descending scale that dissipates into feathery clouds of... feedback? tremolo arm abuse? theremin? processed guitar? (In the live video, it looks like some kind of harmonics-modulation pedal)

Words cannot even express how much I love the way Imai Hisashi abuses his guitar. This man is a sound pervert - I've since read translated interviews where he expresses contempt that a guitarist should act like a guitar-player - he treats the instrument purely as a tone-generator for him to transform with electronic treatments and manipulations (my favourite musicians have always treated their instruments this way - from what Florian Schneider of Kraftwerk did with his flute, to what drone-rockers like Sonic Boom of Spacemen 3 and Kevin Shields of MBV did with guitars). But the cosmic space-noises here are so otherworldly I genuinely cannot tell where guitar feedback ends and theremin begins, it's a haze of swooping electronic bliss.

Vocals - to be really true to the Kosmische form, Imai should have had the courage to just spout surreal English-Japanese-German word salad a la Damo Suzuki, but yes, there are lyrics, I'm sure someone else has written about them. But in my fan-fiction headcanon version of events, Imai just scribbled "Ash-ra" on the demo tape to indicate this was his Krautrock song, and Atsushi, not knowing the first thing about Krautrock, took this as an instruction to write a song about the actual Japanese Demons.

1:50 minutes in. BASS SOLO. At some point, I'm going to write another essay about how Yutaka is the most underrated musician of this band. He's the one who holds together the floating psychedelic guitar haze and the speed-punk drums, and yet somehow makes it all insanely danceable. He absolutely nails the sinewy funk of Holger Czukay, both melodic and booty-shaking.

And then at 2:04 the BEST BIT of the WHOLE SONG

PNEUMATIC DRILL SOLO!!!

Unfortunately, it seems they don't do this bit live. COWARDS!

REAL German Experimental bands play their drills live!

But it's the attention to detail that makes this band so intoxicating to listen to - layers and layers of sonic references layered on top of one another, the pneumatic drill, the squiggles of electronic sound, and then at the end, the coda...

A short drifting suite of classical piano, because it's the moments of peace that make the psychedelic noise-storms so intense, and vice-versa.

[humanoidtyphoons]

i mean i prefer the card game of rock-paper-scissors

but oh my gosh, the steal beam game is spectacular. i like squid game just fine, watched it before kaiji, but neither red light/green light and the glass bridge game combined hold a candle to kaiji’s crossing the steel beam

the false hope everyone clings to? the first that falls? the panic that spreads like wildfire immediately after that? the tears, the screams, the stumbles? the electrocution before the fall? the fact that tonegawa merely smirks, keeps count, and watches them fail with predatory glee? how kaiji tries to rally people’s hopes and keep them calm? how everyone including himself is cracking under pressure? the image of a grim reaper swooping down to pick off the weaker minded contestants? the music going unhinged as it is wont to do.

and then there’s the act of kindness between kaiji and sahara. the call and response between them. saying each other’s names. asking, answering. validating each other and giving them courage to take another step forward. to describe the act as two lighthouses in the dark… beautiful.

they are the only two to remain but only kaiji survives.

like it’s a gutting and bleak show, and kaiji himself has to hit rock bottom repeatedly before he figures out a way to thrive and succeed. but nothing else feels so rewarding a win. nothing else quite makes me weep like this.

did i like sahara to begin with? no, i thought him unlikeable and shitty. but even he didn’t deserve this, and so seeing him struggling alongside kaiji, when they felt most alone and isolated from everyone… i could not help but mourn him, bc the ordeal took a toll on them both, but still, they chose to rely on each other. and it was nearly enough.

[cuuzca]

Hey there guys! Wanted to do an update since I haven’t officially done that in quite a while. It’s nothing totally new but I do want to bring you all into the loop below!

Health

I had big plans for this year! Including my shop, commissions etc. My plan was to celebrate my birthday and during the summer, take a small hiatus and continue forward with my project and unveil it all by the end of the year!

Unfortunately, I hit a giant road block when my neck injury from January of 2021 returned with a vengeance this past August. That really felt like it threw a wrench into plan and feel as though I’ve been stumbling since. It started out when raising my arm after pulling something and had the same dullness as before, until one day unfortunately I sat up in the wrong direction and the pain shot throughout my body and left me virtually immobile because it hurt so bad. I was alone at the time and had to use different things near me to prop myself up again because I could just not use my neck or left shoulder without a lot of pain.

This lasted on and off for a few weeks until September and even the month of September was all a blur and October was hectic and we had DQB2ber which was nice! And here we are. Occasionally, I still have to be careful how I move my neck.

I expected this to take time for me to heal physically but what I didn’t expect was the mental toll it would take. I should have known but it still took me by surprise? I felt bad because I couldn’t get the things I wanted to done. And because I was gone for a while not making anything, a few of the passerbys or folks who used to support me kind of dropped off the face of the earth. And on top of that, even after I started to heal, I started to self doubt myself so much if what I do even makes a difference? I still enjoy and love to draw so much! I love it so much and I love to share it and read everyones responses. But if i get sick again, does that mean i just get forgotten? I still don’t know how to answer that. But I’m working on the mental aspect of my healing journey right now. I’m working on keeping myself content in what I do because i enjoy it, not to appease anyone else. But because this is who I am and this is my joy. So I’m slowly getting the hang of it again.

Shop

Because of my physical and mental health, keeping the shop open to make orders and sell was out of the question entirely. I had it open during the summer but right after the neck injury, I temporarily “closed” it for maintenance. (Sucks that they still charge you for your shop even if its under maintenance, thats $40 down the hole because I kept forgetting to end the payment plan, oops ;;;)

Even now, the link won’t work if you want to reach my shop. I was hoping to at least get it back up and running for Black Friday sales but I can’t see that happening where I’m still trying to upkeep basic internet presence :,) Regardless! I still plan to sell later on and make more stuff! That won’t change! For now, the new plan is to hopefully do some irl maintenance, clean up my devices storage and irl storage in order to open back up soon!

The current plan is to open up shop again during January! There will be the same stock as before on sale. Afterwards, I plan to make new merch & expand on other series to include in the shop! :) Diversify stock and have lots of new goodies. Wish me luck!

Projects

I’m still going to try and work on the project I had planned for this year. I won’t reveal what it is but I’m still very excited about it. ^-^

Other small projects include upkeeping my ko-fi page! Each time I use it, I discover something new and exciting so I want to continue focusing on my kofi page since there’s so much I can do that I didn’t realize before. So please look forward to that! ♡

Wishlist

I’ve been working up the courage to do so. This summer, I also opened up a Throne wishlist! Some kind friends helped me set that up very quickly and was able to put some necessities and goodies I’ve been wanting for a while right away. But, I had felt guilty for wanting to ask for them. 😅 But thats the whole point right? Asking for something is okay. A wishlist is for letting someone else know what to give you if you could give them a gift right?

So I’m finally worked up the courage to share my throne wishlist!!! :)

I’ll do so during black friday sales so if anyone does want to gift, it will hopefully not be as expensive! <3Its not an obligation to gift but I would just be really appreciative anyway ^-^

Afterword

Anyway, it’s the season for being thankful. So, I want extend my thanks to anyone and everyone who has still stuck around for my absence, who is always there to react and support my work, who always had a kind word to share with me and have patience with me. I’ve learned a lot about myself too and have tried to better understand and thus afford some of that patience for myself too. Sometimes we can be our own hardest critics and thats not fair right? I just want to again say thanks to everyone. And thank you all for taking the time to read this. Thank you all :)

Lots of love,

-Cuzca!!

☆*:.｡. o(≧▽≦)o .｡.:*☆

[aakristinejoyce]

#6 beginning of an end

how to be brave.

bravery takes a toll to a person who wields it. it wasn't something in born, or something being passed on. it was considered a gift, but for me, it was a defense. a strategy to make a good offensive play. i always believe that good offense starts with a good defense. a strong soldier starts with both feet standing bravely.

life is always a battlefield. bravery isn't walking towards danger and eyeing to defeat the enemy with your whole heart. what I realized from all these years of living a life anchored to courage is: it isn't jumping from a cliff with your eyes closed and just letting the wind gets you by, it's jumping with your eyes open because you planned ahead on how you'll stick your landing. it's a faithful oath of going into battle with an armor build with the strength of what you believed in.

i get episodes, a lot of it. I get panic attacks left and right every night. my mind gets numb, then my body, then my whole being starts to float. I exhausts my body to the point of fatigue to make sure I can sleep at night, if I can't, the alternative is to cry myself to sleep. both are not pretty, but we make what's in front of us work. I am living my own hell, and as scary as it sounds, I find myself home.

I thought my bravery was laying at night and waiting for my episodes to subside, because it always does, I just have to hang in there, keep myself together and everything will get better. It took me familiarizing my body, my episode, and my demons to find out that there's another side of bravery I can embrace. The kind that doesn't wait for it to be over, but playing defense to attract an offense. I started working on knowing what makes me tick, where it came from, how can I hold it without breaking, and who I can turn to when things fall into place. My bravery started to gain a righteous spot in my nights, and my demons acknowledge that it will not be easy to break down my walls anymore, and if they did, I would stand and fight.

i get to be braver when I prepare before a fight. bravery isn't a blind decision, it wasn't an impulse. when you practice it your whole life, bravery isn't an opening, it's not just the first step. bravery became a whole process of discovering and looking out for yourself in situations you can't hardly escape. It's about looking out for your future self, learning from your past, and equipping yourself in the present. Bravery blooms the moment you understand that everything flows forward and you have an access to every energy source there is to help you succeed.

bravery is slaying the dragon today and getting back on being better tomorrow because you knew there's more to slay. bravery is the reminder, the pat on the back that things will turn out fine if you just get faithful with the process. but, it is also bravery to still stand in the best of your ability even if everything is falling apart. there is bravery in defeat, but there is more bravery in losing control.

when all the odds are against you, when everything isn't working out, when the life you're leading turned out to be a chapter ending, when everyday feels like a battle you can't win, when life is turning into a blood bath of your hopes and dreams, bravery is planted in the subtle moments of these near life and death situations, the hanging by a thread kind of fight, the almost falling off the cliff kind of situations. Bravery blooms the moment you surrender.

I didn't get braver the moment papa died. I was barely standing on my own. I asked everyone to step up while I was too busy nursing my own heart. I let myself be sidelined. I wasn't ready to be brave and face the reality of losing another one, so I put all my energy in shutting out.

But then, there is this wave, a turning point, a gradual, sensible control filling your heart. You look in the mirror and you can't see yourself, all you could see is this big amount of love hanging by and waiting to be taken care of. Bravery blooms the moment you live for someone else. It pushes you to get up and live. When you are in the verge of asking yourself, what for, to whom I'll lay all my troubles, to where I can put down my baggage, you have to remember, the reason for your bravery is your lifeline, and your lifeline pushes you to look ahead on your future.

Josh, he is my lifeline. All my bravery is inspired by him.

And I have this most beautiful privilege to be scarred, ruined, and broken by a love that is worth it.

I am a firm believer that the truest form of living is laying one's life for another. Then things changed, my life altered in many ways I can't imagine, and it transformed me. From battling my inner demons, life thrown challenges, and a future I'm not sure to want, I rose.

I rose, learning in the process that the truest form of bravery is choosing to live regardless. With every inner turmoil I face, I learned to defend myself regardless. With every battlefield life put me into, every war in the present created by my past, I learned to defend my home regardless. With every death that visited and is still haunting me, I learned to defend their memories and honor the life lived regardless. Regardless of who I face, what I encounter, where I stumble, when I fall, I am a hundred percent sure that I'll rise. I'll rise because I am loved. I am loved regardless of having nothing or everything, of my imperfections and losses, of my rage and my mistakes.

I am brave because I am loved, because I love. And there's nothing more fulfilling than living and dying for love.

[quemrona]

Tropical Vacation

It was a hot day, peak summer in the province of Sebaste, Antique. My cousins and I went trekking up the mountains of Igpatuyaw to swim at Igpasungaw falls. This trip has been on our bucket list for a long time. The preparations and planning we’ve been doing were all worth it, seeing how energized and motivated we all are. The Igpasungaw falls is one of the many tourist attractions that could be found in the area. Consisting of 7 natural pools that leaves tourists and locals in awe.

The hike was definitely not easy for me. My cousins on the other hand, grew up in the province so for them they think it's as easy as breathing. At first, I was okay, and then I suddenly felt my legs starting to give up on me. My cousins had to push me forward because I couldn’t handle the climb. We had to climb through huge boulders and cross streams, it was taking a toll on my physical endurance. I was never athletic to begin with. It took us about an hour or two to reach the top of the waterfalls, the view was intensely immaculate. Seeing the beauty of nature kind of relieved the exhaustion I was feeling, it felt rewarding to make it to the top. We spent the whole afternoon bonding. We ate, swam, chatted and laughed. When the sun set, we decided to go back home. We carefully walked down the trail. Going down was definitely easier than going up. At home were our families waiting for us. At the dinner table, my cousins and I were already planning for our next trip. My cousin, Hanna, wanted to take us to her father’s hometown, a small island called Caluya. It’s where her father’s side of the family lives. The next day we immediately got ready for the trip, we washed our clothes and hung them to dry. We then packed necessities. Clothes, sanitary items, foot wear, money and courage. It was another hot day in the town of Sebaste. The branches of trees were dancing along with the wind. The faint flowing sound of the water in the river could be heard alongside the quacking of the ducks and the clucking of the chickens.

I gave my grandma’s home one last quick look before leaving. We rode a tricycle down the mountain, then we waited for the bus at the bus stop. A lot of unfamiliar faces were greeting us, I didn’t grow up in the province. It’s just a small, organized town, which is why everyone knows each other. My family clan has been living in the area for decades, they are considered as one of the oldest clans. When the bus arrived, the conductor helped us put our bags in the trunk. The view was very pleasing to look at, but the journey was very unpleasant. The thing about our province is that the roads are undeveloped which is why road trips don’t run smoothly, accidents happen at times. Once the conductor announced that we were at the port, I quickly sprinted out the bus to throw up. We then grabbed our bags and hired a tricycle driver to take us to the town proper. Reaching the town proper, we met with my cousin’s father. We rode another tricycle to his friend’s house, where we ate lunch and rested for a bit.

━ Personal Narrative

[scarletttries]

Do You Wanna Taste It? (Adrian Chase Request)

Pairing: Adrian Chase/Vigilante x Reader

Rating: Explicit (Possessive Adrian)

Word Count: 3.3k

Request 1 - "hi! pls pls do prompt 104 with Adrian, from the prompt list you shared. I can totally see him saying that!" "104. I’ve never wanted to fuck someone as badly as I want to fuck you right now"

Request 2- "I would love for you to write something smutty involving jealous Adrian if possible! specifics are up to you, im just weak for possessive Adrian fics"

Author’s Note: I got these two requests at the same time and thought they fit so perfectly together that I combined them! I hope you enjoy, possessive Adrian absolutely haunts me 💓

Do You Wanna Taste It?

All six of you had been staring at the wall of clues for the better part of 24 hours, still absolutely none-the-wiser. You had collated all the information you had on an alleged upcoming arms-deal between two very dangerous people, and you still couldn't figure out when, where or what they were exchanging. It was starting to take a toll of the group, having spent a day shifting around the room trying to gain a new perspective and getting nowhere fast. Checking the time and realising it was now late afternoon, Adebayo stood up interrupting yours and Harcourts latest theory about how maybe if you could somehow cover every port in the area you would be able to somehow stop something.

"This isn't working! We have been staring at this wall way too long, and we need a break. Get up everyone, we're going for a walk, and we're going to sit outside for a few minutes, we're going to get a little rest, and then we'll come back with fresh eyes." She commanded with an unquestionable authority that had you all nodding and getting to your feet.

"Okay, you're right, we take a few hours, get a change of scenery, but we stick together." Harcourt agreed, casting a pointed look at Adrian, not unconvinced he wasn’t the type to wander off. He nodded sheepishly, his eyes still fixed where they had been for most of the brainstorm; on you.

Adrian had been absolutely captivated by you since his first introduction to the team, feeling an undeniable calling to keep you close, and keep you safe. He ignored Chris's pleas to keep his 'creepy stalking' to a minimum, consistently sitting in the seat closest to you, always going with you on missions, and offering to walk you home at the end of the day. You were just such a kind and warm person, he couldn't help but crave being around you, thinking of you as his, despite being too self-conscious to actually ask you out yet. It hadn't been hard to figure out how Adrian felt about you considering the way he stared in awe as you spoke, and the way it felt like his hand constantly hovered next to yours as you walked together, like he was spending every waking moment building up the courage to finally interlace his fingers with yours. You knew the rest of the group found his fixation with you a bit off-putting, but honestly the fact that this sweet but dangerous anti-hero was so dedicated to spending his time around you made your heart melt. The easy conversation you'd make, and the cute way he'd adjust his glasses to make sure he could see you in all your glory as soon as he took his mask off, had made you endlessly sweet on him. Not to mention he was absolutely gorgeous, and it was easy to tell he thought the same about you, shifting uncomfortably in his chair and averting his panicked gaze every time you wore something tight or bent over to pick something up. You really did like Adrian, and sure, you could have just told him that, but it was a lot more fun to rile him and play innocent, waiting for the day he would finally snap and admit his feelings for you.

Today you walked by his side, adjusting to the sunshine after working through the night in the dimly lit office, and thinking out loud about what you were going to do once you had the case solved and this dangerous meeting stopped.

"I feel like all my muscles are going to be so stiff from hunching over the evidence in there, maybe I'll take a really long bath when we're all done, and just lie there for half the night, and get candles and wine and go full luxury spa." You could see his jaw tense at the mention of you in a bathtub, his active imagine betraying him as he tried to shake the thought, instinctively stepping a little closer to you as a man passed you on the pavement, his need to keep his body between you and anyone else unrelenting.

"Yeah, baths are nice. I think i'll probably just go straight for a nap." He lied, knowing he'd struggle to sleep at the thought of having to spend a few hours away from you. As Adebayo led you into a park you all settled onto a green patch of grass, sat in a circle, trying to avoid a group of men playing with a frisbee in the same field. Harcourt went to open her mouth, stopped pre-emptively by Adebayo,

"No work talk! We're in public and our brains need to reset!" Harcourt glared back and got out her comment as she rose to her feet,

"I was going to say there's an ice cream truck over there, anyone want anything?" Adebayo nodded awkwardly, joining Harcourt for the walk. Adrian was quickly on his feet as well, barely giving you time to agree as he went to fetch you an ice cream, trailing the two sighing agents.

"You know, I've never seen Adrian this intense about a person before, and that's coming from me." Chris commented as soon as they were out of earshot, "I don't know if he'll ever calm down, just to warn you." He offered casually, not wanting to overstep, but aware that Adrian's intensity could be a little much sometimes. You smiled,

"I don't mind, I'm sure it's just a crush - he's harmless." You tried not to let your tone give away the butterflies inside you at just the thought of being the centre of Adrian's attention indefinitely.

"Yep, just a harmless murderer." Economos scoffed stiffly, constantly exasperated by how little people reacted to that fact.

"We talking murderers?" Adrian called out, returning with two ice cream cones, handing one to you. You thanked him, before turning your attention to the treat in your hand. You licked the top of the cone delicately, letting out a soft 'mm' at the syrupy taste. You felt it melting onto your hand a little, running your tongue up the length of the frozen treat slowly, gathering up the drops before licking your lips. You slipped a sticky finger between your lips, sucking off the melted cream, before returning to lick the ice cream slowly, enjoying it immensely, even if you could feel yourself doing an absolute travesty of a job of eating it with dignity.

Adrian had to choke down the noises stirring inside of him as he watched your tongue sweep purposely over your ice cream, unable to think about anything but what it would feel like to have you do that on your knees in front of him. As you sucked your fingers, humming contently, he crossed his legs to hide his aching arousal, eating his own cone in four quick bites for fear of smashing it in his tensing hand. As his eyes followed the motions of your glistening lips, he caught a glimpse of something red flying through the air out the corner of his eye. Forcing his eyes away from your seductive face, he noticed it was a frisbee that had flown wildly off-course, and looking over the field he could see why. The small group of men behind you had noticed the way you were enjoying your dessert, letting their game fall to the wayside as they watched your licking motions, joking between themselves as they stared shamelessly at you. Adrian glared angrily in their direction, furious that anyone would dare to look at you the way he did, their undeserving eyes drinking you in. They couldn't appreciate you for everything you are, disrespectful in the way they leered your way, looking at you like they would ever be allowed anywhere near you. But he knew he would never let that happen, you were his, even if he had never said it out loud, and he would never let some asshole with a hungry gaze get anywhere near you. His eyes returned to your face, disappointed and relieved as you took your final bite, smiling and politely telling you he was glad you enjoyed it, like he wasn't throbbing inside his jeans. Glancing back to the group of men, expecting them to have lost interest, his heart plummeted at the sight of one of them starting to walk towards your little circle. Adrian looked him over; tall, broad, nicely dressed. Fuck, could he actually be competition? Adrian's mind whirled, half-distracted by his lustful thoughts of your mouth, desperately worried that this idiot in a park was about to take your attention away from him. As the man drew closer, he steadied himself and resolved not to let that happened, taking your still sticky hand in his and helping you to your feet,

"(Y/n) I need to show you something over here right now." He said plainly, already walking at pace with your hand in his, giving you little time to question him. He glanced back to see confused faces on his team, and a satisfyingly disgruntled look from his challenger.

His feet moved of their own accord, pace not letting up as he pulled you back towards the office you shared,

"What's wrong Adrian?" You asked quietly, slightly concerned by the dark focused look on his face, his behaviour even more erratic than usual. You watched his chest heaving as he pulled you back into the office, slamming the door behind you both. He walked towards you until you were backed against a wall, one of his arms either side of your head.

"He was about to talk to you." Adrian practically growled out, not giving you any more of an idea what was happening, but finding his close proximity and thick tone intoxicating.

"Who Adrian?" You practically squeaked out, feeling your cheeks flush as his hot breath filled the space between you.

"Some asshole in the park. They were all watching you, because of how you looked with that ice cream, but only I should be watching you. Only I should get to see you like that." His tone was thick with lust, his pupils blown in his feral state, trapping you with his broad form. You thought back to way you licked along the treat, watching Adrian shift in your peripheral vision, and you put two and two together.

"You like the way I lick ice cream Adrian?" You quizzed, innocent tone contrasting the way your tongue run lightly over your bottom lip, bringing the mental image of you doing the same back to the forefront of his mind. He nodded slowly, his eyes flicking down to your lips as he spoke,

"I've never wanted to fuck someone as badly as I want to fuck you right now" His lips crashed against yours hungrily, body closing the gap between yours. His hips pressed firmly against yours, his cock still hard from your little performance, the relief of finally telling you the effect you had on him almost enough to make him cum then and there. You gasped at his words, the rough way he handled you a stunning contrast to his usual sweet demeanour. You took the opportunity to run your fingers through his hair, pulling his lips deeper against yours before breaking the kiss, a concerned look quickly spreading across Adrian's brow. It quickly melted away into awe as he watched you slowly descend to your knees, undoing his jeans and pulling his hard manhood from beneath them, already dripping with his excitement.

"Is this what you were picturing?" You asked teasingly, not giving him time to respond as you lightly flicked your tongue over his glistening tip. The moan he let out echoed through the mercifully empty office, his hips twitching from the light contact.

"Yes! Fuck, this is exactly what I was thinking about." He admitted, desperate to tell you what you wanted to know if it meant you would do that again. You smiled at his confession, pleased you had finally broken his resolve to hide his feelings from you.

"Maybe this is what I was thinking about too." you purred, running your tongue over the length of him, and watching his face contort in pleasure from the sensation. You licked the length of him again and again, until you could feel his precum leaking excitedly from his tip, then plunged him deep between your lips, getting as deep into your throat as you comfortably could. Your name fell from his lips as he moaned, his fingers desperately weaving into your hair, the sight of you on your knees, sucking him off, so much sexier than his imagination could ever do justice to. You bobbed your head, working the length of him, feeling your own excitement building at the way he reacted to your touch. Before long Adrian could feel his almost unbearable pleasure reaching its limit, gently stopping you and pulling you back to your feet. You stared at his serious expression as he lowered himself down on one knee, more than eager to return the favour. His fingertips trailed up your skirt, waiting for your consenting nod before sliding your damp underwear to the floor, letting you step out of them. He slipped them into his back pocket, quietly chuckling to himself, "mine now."

He stared up your short skirt, drinking in the view of you, almost shaking with anticipation for him, needy for his touch. He lightly kissed your inner thigh, repeating his new mantra,

"mine now." Moving to the other leg,

"mine now." Before finally planting his face at your centre, nose lightly brushing over your clit,

"Mine now." The feeling of his warm words brushing over your most sensitive part made you gasp, seemingly giving him the push he needed to firmly lick between your folds. Your back arched against the wall behind you, pushing your hips forward, spurring Adrian on. His hands gripped your bum as his tongue plunged hungrily between your folds, nose nuzzling at your clit as he worked, desperate to taste you. The taste of you on his tongue was better than any frozen dessert, and you could feel him moaning against your flesh as his mouth dragged over your centre. The noise pouring out of you was everything he had ever imagined, and Adrian was resolved to spend as much time between your legs as you would let him, feeling you grow more and more excited with each movement of his tongue, just like had done watching you in the park. As your legs started to shake, the heat inside of you rising, he left one of his hands supporting your bum, something you were very grateful for as your knees went weak, and ran the other slowly up your inner thigh. Briefly breaking the contact of his tongue, he slipped two fingers inside your dripping folds, watching intently as your mouth fell slack from the pleasure. He smiled as he drew his fingers in and out of you, voice deep with possession as he spoke,

"You are mine now right?" You nodded your head as he worked his fingers faster, thumb brushing over your sensitive bud in time with his movements.

"I want to hear you say it." You looked down at the way he was watching you hungrily, feeling the peak of your pleasure approaching.

"I'm yours Adrian, all yours." You whimpered out, feeling so close to the edge as you watched his smile grow at your words.

"All mine." He repeated contently before his tongue joined his fingers, brushing over you frantically as you came over his fingers, crying out his name as your legs all but gave out beneath you. He didn't let up his pace as you rode out your high, holding you steady against the wall and enjoying a view he had pictured so many times before. As your eyes fluttered open again, he withdrew his fingers, wrapping his muscular arms around your legs to lift you up the wall, thighs wrapping around his waist instinctively. In this position you could feel his hard cock lining up with your wet, sensitive entrance, wrapping your arms around his neck to pull his lips to yours. Your kiss barely stifled the moan escaping him as he slowly slid into you, still feeling the flutter of your orgasm around him.

"Adrian." Was all you could moan out as he filled you completely, pushing deep inside you from the intense upright angle. His eyes stayed locked on yours, intensity coming through as you whimpered his name, grip on your hips firm enough that tomorrow he'd be kissing the small bruises forming there. He thrust up into you, letting out another deep moan at the feeling of the warmth inside you, a place just for him. He watched his name spill from your lips again, the most perfect noise he had ever heard, and he pleaded,

"Say it again." Bucking his hips up and leaving you no choice but to cry out name, the intense sensation penetrating deep inside you.

"Whose are you?" He choked out, hips starting to stutter at the feeling of your slick dripping around him with every motion,

"Yours Adrian," you panted out, head nuzzling into his neck and shoulder, desperately holding on as he fucked you in earnest. "You feel so good Adrian, only you."

"Only me." He echoed, bouncing you roughly on his manhood, watching in awe as you came undone around him again, eyes clenched shut, moaning through the intense pleasure rippling through you. His movements faltered, unable to hold himself back at the noises you were making. His lips crashed to yours as he climaxed, chanting a combination of your name and 'mine' as he filled you with his warmth. As his bliss passed, he carefully pulled himself out of you, basking in the sight of his excitement dripping out of you, his arms still holding your legs apart around his waist. You both panted, breathless from the shared moment of passion, eyes locked, sharing gentle smiles. Slowly, handling you so carefully it was hard to believe it was the same man who'd been pounding into you moments earlier, Adrian settled you both on to the floor. His back rested against the wall as he pulled you onto his lap, completely willing to let you drip your shared slick onto his jeans, and completely unwilling to return your underwear from his pocket. His hands gently cupped your face, the way he had dreamed of doing a thousand times, and he lips found yours softly, sharing a perfect, sweet kiss you would both smile about for days to come.

"You know I've always been yours Adrian." You offered quietly, overwhelmed by the way his whole body wrapped around you, never wanting to part.

"And now you always will be right?" He beamed, lips only leaving yours for the briefest second while he spoke, before returning to their rightful place pressed to yours. You could only nod as your fingers trailed through his curls; he was right. You are his.

[cheekygreenty]

Hi, I just saw your prompt list for Shadow&Bone!! could you possibly do No. 2 from Angst, but like with a happy ending? Like reader n Kirigan are togeather but then Alina's comes along.. just, please let be happy at the end. I like angst, but my heart can't handle sad endings 😢😢 thank you!!! ❤❤

Future- The Darkling x Reader

(Very very angsty with a happy (?) ending. It made me cry a lil bit writing it ngl)

You trusted him, wholeheartedly. At least that's what you told yourself every day since she came to the Little Palace; the place you had always called home, where you felt safe from the prying eyes of the public.

Yet now, the place was fueled by harsh rumors of him and her. Everywhere you went you could hear a whisper, nobody tried to hide it anymore, the words were always entirely devoted to your crumbling union;

'I thought they were happy'

We were.

'How can he and Alina not be together, it's destiny.'

I'm starting to think so too.

You didn't acknowledge it. Just put on a sweet smile and a brave face. Don't let them see you're hurting. Even in your own home, you had to pretend and lie, which at the end of the day, when you laid in an empty bed, made you exhausted.

He told you she meant nothing more to him than a mere weapon. But that was when she first came and when he still managed to make it to your shared chambers and would whisper sweet nothings as you fell asleep.

It was different now, on more than one occasion you caught a glimpse of them together, him looking at her the way he always looked at you. However much he claimed to be a good actor and manipulator, there was something there and he couldn't deny it either.

You hadn't confronted him about it yet fearing that if you did, the truth would hurt and sting and make all those rumors true. In addition, you haven't seen him in days and the last time you did, he told you to stay away from the wonderful Sun-Summoner.

The truth was you knew deep down in your heart that she wasn't at fault. That she was not the root of the problem. You constantly fought with yourself to stop any hatred you felt towards her. She was lovely, kind compassionate, and innocent. She didn't deserve to feel your wrath.

But with that came the confusion of who to blame. You or Him. It made you tired and weak. The smallest of tasks made you drained and tears would well in your eyes at the thought of having to live another day like this, a day full of questioning yourself and the man you loved more than anything in the world.

No matter how much of a strong person you swore you were, this was taking a substantial toll on you. He had become your support network and he knew it, he loved it. He always said he finally felt appreciated when you came around, that he wasn't alone anymore. He had conditioned you to be this way. When times got tough, he was always your shoulder to cry on.

No doubt that shoulder was now next to Alina. Perhaps they went on a horse ride, visited the Black Heretic fountain, or were enjoying a rendezvous next to the lake.

You didn't want to know, all that mattered was that he wasn't there with you when you were falling apart. Maybe you relied on him too much.

You wondered if he noticed the whispers too, or the way you'd been missing crucial meetings, or even if he noticed you wearing your red kefta more often, ditching the black once you'd heard Genya speak of making a golden-black kefta for Alina, per the Darkling's request.

That was a punch in the gut. It hurt more than him avoiding conversation with you or even his deterrence of touching you. He had bestowed his colors to her when not even three months ago he didn't know she existed. It had taken you a long time to gain his trust and don his signature black yet all she had to do was waltz in and show up. And it hurt.

And now here you were, training the next generation of heartrenderers, as you did almost every day. You had given your life to the Little Palace and its Grisha and this is how you were being repaid. Not even Ivan, who you had shaped into an excellent soldier, had looked your way lately.

'Excuse me Ms. Y/L/N I have an urgent request from the General' You whipped your head around to the young Grisha boy with an obviously hurt look on your face which he couldn't understand.

'Of course' you choked out and took the piece of paper from his hands and watched him in sorrow as he left.

Ms.Y/L/N? what happened to moya sovereignny? You were never one to uphold the formality, but this was just another blow to your confidence. You were no longer referred to as his other half which only meant your position in the palace was quickly dwindling.

You opened the wax-sealed envelope and took out the thick sheet of paper. There was a time when he himself would deliver the news to you himself and use it as an excuse to spend extra time with you.

'I cannot make it to the meeting with the King this evening, attend and report back to me anything relevant, no horse business'

You scoffed loudly, drawing attention from the young Corporalki around you and leaned on the table in front of you. Not even a please or thank you. With the note clutched in your hand and tears of frustration in your eyes, you stormed out of the Corporalki room and towards his war room.

You peeked through the open door and seen him. He didn't look at all busy as he chatted with Zoya, Ivan, Fedyor, and some other Squaller you didn't recognize. Zoya threw her head back in laughter at something Fedyor said but Aleksander kept his stony expression. You threw the door open dramatically and everyone froze.

'Leave us' you cautioned as Aleksander's onyx eyes looked right into your own.

Nobody moved but Zoya was the first to speak ' Y/N, we're actually in a meeting if you couldn't tell' while everyone nodded along, except him.

You never had anything against anyone in that room, but in that moment you couldn't help yourself and used your small science to bring everyone to their knees in front of you, except him.

'Leave us' His voice rang out in the midst of their sharp breaths and chest-clutching. They scrambled to their feet and left one by one, Fedyor quietly muttering 'moya sovereignny' as he passed you which filled you with some courage. The door shut and the sound echoed over the walls.

You threw the note across the room and let it hit his arm. 'Did you forget your manners General? Or does it only apply to the people you claim to love?'

'Funny you should say that Y/N, you haven't attended any meetings in weeks without providing a reason. You're making me look like a fool'

'I'M MAKING YOU LOOK LIKE A FOOL?!' Your tears were now streaming down your face, falling quicker than you could wipe them away.

He stayed silent and that broke your heart even more, he could've said something, anything.

'Aleksander, I'm trying to keep myself together for everyone, I'm trying so very hard to appear normal and happy but I don't think I can do this any longer. The whispers and the rumors, watching you and her-' You slid down the door and sat on the floor, head resting on your knees. '-It's getting to me.... and it's killing me.'

You thanked the Saints you didn't see his face, for the silence spoke for itself. He didn't deny anything or reach out to comfort you. I've lost him.

'All I wanted was a happy ending.' You laughed a sad laugh that pulled at his heartstrings. With your eyes still facing away from him, you didn't see his hand go up to wipe the lone tear that fell down his face or the slight shake in his hands as he did so. He had no words that would comfort you. He knew what he'd done. He'd been avoiding you ever since he realized it. He didn't want to see you cry or see how his actions affected you.

Telling you that it means nothing to him was of no use. You had it in your mind now, forever engrained around his name, the rumors wouldn't stop and Alina was still around. He truly felt nothing of importance for her. All she meant for him was a key to a better future with you.

He approached you slowly, getting down on his knees next to you. He took your hand in his and held it up to his lips. He never prayed, but right now he silently muttered words to all the Saints. Don't let her leave.

'I'm so sorry Darling. Y/N I love you so much.'

'But you love her more' You yanked your hands away.

'NO. no. Y/N. I swear it. You are everything to me' He had grown serious now, he wanted you to look at him. He missed you.

'Then explain why you're parading her around like a Queen, letting her wear your colors, probably sleeping in her bed'

'I have never toucher her in that way. I'm yours Y/N.' Please look at me.

You lifted your head and looked at his beautiful face. He too looked tired, exhausted. His eyes were red and puffy. Saints, I've never seen him cry.

'You will have a happy ending. I promise Darling' He took your face into his hands and connected your foreheads together. 'I promise. I'm doing everything I can to make sure you will, and even if I can't, I swear you will you and our children-'

Children. Aleksander never spoke of them to the point where you had settled with the idea you'll never have them. Something about the desperation in his voice made you believe him, Aleksander was strong, he never gave up but he also never sacrificed himself for anybody. Up until now, you didn't think yourself worthy enough to be saved in exchange for him.

'-I would give up everything to see you and them safe, away from harm's way. Right now, the world doesn't deserve them, but once I do what I have to do, I'll give you children. However many you want, Just stay. Please'

You were borderline hysterical as you melted into his embrace. Weeks of frustration and hurt disappeared into thin air. Aleksander held you so tight you were having trouble breathing but you didn't care. He held you all day and all night. All meetings and tasks forgotten.

He explained everything in detail, from the stag and firebird to what happens if things don't go to plan. He kept nothing from you, not even the stress and pressure he felt. You comforted him as he always does to you. You fell asleep together and dreamed of a life with a happy ending, one where you never had to doubt his motives, you dreamed of your future.

Taglist (if you want to be added, plz tell me!)

@theonelittleone @searching-for-gallifrey @lostysworld

@0-artemis

[jpedrobpascal]

Hotel Rooms

You and Spencer find comfort in one another after a particularly difficult case.

Spencer Reid x F! reader smut

Warnings: NSFW (18+, minors DNI), oral sex (F receiving), protected penetrative sex

Word count: 2k

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The SUV was quiet as you all drove back to the hotel. Morgan was in the driver’s seat, knuckles turning white as they ringed against the steering wheel. JJ sat by his side in the passenger seat, quickly wiping tears as they fell from her eyes. Spencer sat behind her, head back and eyes closed. He appeared to be sleeping - but you could tell by his breathing, the twitching of his fingers, the way he moved himself around - he was still wide awake. You sat behind Morgan, head against the window, glancing between your colleagues in the silence.

The case didn’t end well, the unsub killing his final victim and then himself. Endings like this were few and far between, fortunately, but when they did happen, they took a toll on everyone.

You listened to the gravel crunch beneath the car tires as Derek pulled into the parking lot. He turned off the car, quickly getting out and grabbing his go bag from the trunk without a word. You, Spencer, and JJ followed, quietly piling into the elevator.

The doors creaked open and the three of you walked out, JJ turning right as you and Reid turned left.

“Night guys,” JJ muttered over her shoulder. You mustered as kind a smile as you could as Spencer offered a small wave.

The two of you shuffled down the hall, waiting as you heard the door to JJ’s room open and shut.

You each stopped in front of your respective doors, which happened to be right next to each other’s.

You waited, slowly pulling out your keycard as Spencer opened his door.

Fuck it.

“Do you want to come in?” You asked the question before you lost the courage, turning to face the man to your right.

You could see his eyes light up briefly, his hand reaching out to pull his hotel room door closed.

“Yes please,” he whispered, walking over to you as you opened the door.

You and Spencer had been dancing around each other ever since you joined the BAU a few short months ago. You frequently ended up in one another’s hotel rooms, curled up in bed watching TV, one of you always “accidentally” falling asleep. You had shared chaste kisses in the middle of the night, ending with you grinding on top of him with his hands on your ass.

It had never gone farther than that, though. You were only a few years older than Spencer, 27 to his 24. You had little to no experience when it came to anything sexual, having only had a few drunken hook ups in college.

It was well-known to everyone on the team that Spencer had no such experience; being a child prodigy throughout his formative years having stunted his opportunity for sexual experiences.

All that being said, you never wanted to push the matter.

But something in the air tonight cracked.

As soon as the door was closed your hands were in Spencer’s hair, his grabbing onto your hips and pulling you into him as you kissed. He walked you backwards toward the bed, you struggling to keep your mouths together as you stood on your tip toes.

You sat down once your legs hit the bed, detaching your mouth from his as you hastily undid the buttons on his shirt. He reached for the bottom of your sweater, pulling it over your head, groaning at the sight of your breasts pushed up in a dull pink bra. His mouth attached to one of your breasts, pushing you to lie down as he laid on top of you, a groan leaving your mouth as he sucked hickies into your skin.

You felt his hands sneaking around your back and you arched up, surprised by how quickly he unhooked and removed your bra with just one hand. He quickly threw the bra across the room, hands coming to knead your breasts as you kissed.

You were breathless, hearing his soft groans as he rutted himself up against you.

“Spencer please.” The words were out of your mouth before you could think of even saying them.

He pulled back from you; eyes glossy, lips red, hair tussled. You felt your cheeks heaten up as you watched him look you up and down, licking his lips.

“Can I – ” he paused, swallowing and attempting to steady his breathing.

“Can I fuck you tonight, Y/N?”

You nodded vigorously, an involuntary whine leaving your throat as you bucked your hips up into his.

Spencer smiled, a light laugh leaving his lips as he looked down at you. You smiled back, reaching up to brush a strand of hair out of his face.

“I don’t…I haven’t really done this much,” he explained, pulling back from you to start taking his pants off.

“Me neither,” you giggled, picking up your hips to removed your pants as well, leaving you both in your underwear.

“Can I…use my mouth first? I know how important it is to help you reach orgasm so once we get to the penetration it’s a bit more comfortable for – “

“Spencer.” You cut off his rambling, taking his hand and letting his fingers travel down the front of your underwear.

You heard his breath hitch in his throat as he felt how wet you are, fingers quickly finding a rhythm against your clit.

“Fuck,” you whispered, head falling back against the mattress and eyes closing as your thighs tightened around his arm. He quickly moved two fingers down, pushing them inside of you with ease. You opened your eyes as you heard him whimper, watching him bite down on his lip.

“Spencer.”

His eyes shot open as you said his name, your legs wrapping around his waist to bring him closer to you. You sat up, removing his fingers from inside of you. He watched as you sucked on his fingers, eyes going wide at the site. You scooted yourself closer to the edge of the bed, grinding yourself up against his cock.

Spencer’s hips faltered, his hands going down to either side of you on the bed to keep himself standing. You giggled, causing him to look up at you with a laugh.

“What’s so funny?” he asked with a smile, one of his hands running through his hair.

“Nothing, I just…can’t believe we’re doing this.”

“Do you want to stop? We can stop if you changed your mind or – “

“Spencer.”

You said his name as you sat up, pulling him towards you by the waistband of his underwear.

“I want to do this,” you said, maintaining eye contact with him as your hand traveled down the front of his boxers. You felt his whole body shudder as you took him in your hand, thumb circling the head of his dick.

Spencer quickly reached down to remove his underwear, you crawling backwards on the bed to do the same.

“You’re so fucking beautiful,” he whispered, crawling up over your body. You didn’t have time to protest as you felt him drag his fingers through your wetness.

“Do you have…”

“Front pocket of my suitcase,” you answered. Spencer scurried over to your suitcase, quickly pulling out a condom. You watched as his hands shook as he tried to put it on.

“Here,” you said, sitting up to roll the condom over his hard cock. You moved to lay yourself back down, taking his hand to lead him back on top of you. He watched you with complete adoration in his eyes as you led his cock inside of you.

You hissed when he was halfway inside, trying to adjust to his size.

“Do you need me to stop?” Spencer asked.

“No just…give me a minute,” you breathed, laying back to relax yourself. After a minute or so you nodded your head yes, Spencer continuing to push himself into you with a groan.

“Fuck Y/N,” he said, dropping his head down to your neck, sucking kisses into your skin.

“Spencer please,” you whispered into his ear, wrapping your legs around him to pull him even closer into you. He quickly moved his hand down to your clitoris, rubbing circles against it as your breath hitched. He fucked himself into you at the same time, your mouth falling open as you tugged at his hair.

“I’m sorry if I don’t last long, I…” Spencer tried to finish his sentence, but you could tell he was overwhelmed and so focused on what his body was doing that his mind couldn’t keep up.

“It’s okay. Cum in me, please,” you whined.

Spencer growled into your ear, fingers moving faster against your clit as his dick reached further inside of you.

You gasped, trying to stay quiet. Sure, JJ’s room was all the way down the hall, but you knew if you let yourself get loud you wouldn’t be able to stop. You made a mental note to save that for next time.

Would there be a next time?

“Y/N,” Spencer said as you felt him faltering inside of you.

“It’s okay, Spence. Let go.”

Spencer immediately followed your command, releasing inside of you. You noticed he bit down hard on his lip in an attempt to keep himself quiet. He spent a few minutes with his head against your breasts, recollecting himself. You ran your fingertips up and down his back, gently scratching.

After a few minutes Spencer looked up at you through glossy eyes, looking almost…apologetic?

“I didn’t make you climax,” he said, almost a pout on his lips.

“It’s fine, I’m used to it,” you laughed. You watched then as he (very determinedly) got off the bed, going into the bathroom to throw away the condom. When he returned, he kissed your ankle, slowly moving his body up as he kissed his way up your leg. When he got to your thighs, he started leaving little bites, causing you to yelp. You felt rather than saw him smirk against your skin.

“Fuck,” you said, fingers tangling into his curls. He looked up at you as he stopped over your center, his breath causing your legs to shake.

He smirked and he lowered his head, licking a stripe up your folds before quickly attaching his mouth to your clit. One of your hands slapped over your mouth as your legs closed around his head. He ran his hands through his hair, keeping it out of his way as he sucked and licked your clit. You felt your legs start to shake, your orgasm approaching you more quickly than it ever had before with a man.

“Spencer I’m – I’m gonna – ” you tried to get the words out through the haze of pleasure covering you. Hearing you stumble over your words caused him to groan, the feeling against you being enough to reach your climax.

Spencer didn’t let up as you were cumming, continuing to eat your out with just as much fervor as he had been. You pulled at his hair and he wrapped his arms around your leg and hips in response, keeping your body firm against the bed.

As your orgasm finally let up Spencer pumped two fingers inside of you, his mouth continuing its assault on your clit. Before you could even realize what was happening you were cumming again, whimpering as your body went limp, unable to feel anything but your orgasm tearing through you.

This time Spencer removed his fingers, sitting back as he wiped the evidence of both of your orgasms from his face. You felt your body sinking into the bed, eyes closing as you felt the mattress move. You felt Spencer wrap his arms around you, holding you against him from behind as he pulled the blankets up over you both.

“Was that good?” he asked, placing a kiss against your temple.

You turned over to face him, a goofy grin painted across your face.

“Better than good,” you mumbled, leaning over to kiss him. You curled up on his chest, the two of you falling asleep within seconds.

When you woke the next morning, Spencer was no longer beside you, a note on the pillow in his stead.

“Thank you for last night. Wanted to get out before the team noticed. Let’s do this again at my place when we’re back home. – S”

[apinchofm]

The Ball

The final part of this randomness - I'll probs post in full on Ao3 if wanted! Hope people have enjoyed it!

Part One: Regent's Park Gazebo

Part Two: Unity

Edwina wakes up exhausted. She had slept for most of the day after crying and then thinking.

After a bath and dressing, she made her way downstairs and was surprised to see Agatha waiting for her at the foot of the stairs.

"Lady Danbury." She greeted, ready for a scolding. But rather than her signature glare, Agatha looked at her kindly.

"I fear I have underestimated this season's toll on you." Lady Danbury said.

"It appears that everyone has seen what I did not." Edwina said, "I merely feel foolish, "

"You have the courage to do what even I could not do. Call off the wedding." Lady Danbury said with a hint of a smile, "That takes immense courage. In fact, the Queen would like to have you over for tea this afternoon, before the Featherington Ball."

She was surprised at that. She thought she would have yelled and that the Queen despised her.

"I just feel angry." Edwina said, "All the time. I do not know why. I called off the wedding. I made that decision. And yet..." She shook her head in frustration.

"Angry? At who?"

"The Viscount. Myself. Kate. Mama. You." She listed.

"Let us dissect this, yes?" Agatha said and lead her to the drawing room. An easy trap as Kate and Mary were already in there. Edwina took a seat across from her sister and mother.

"Edwina feels angry with us all and her herself." Agatha announced, "I believe it is time we dissect this. As a family," She and Mary shared a kind look. Agatha was as good as their godmother if the girls had been raised Christian.

"So why are you angry with yourself?" Mary questioned.

"Because I was a fool. Everyone else could see what I did not. It is why all of the Bridgertons were being so nice. They pitied the idiotic girl who fell in love with the Viscount who was just pretending to like me. Love me."

"That is the Viscount's fault. And we are so proud of you for standing up for what you wanted." Mary reassured her.

"You have every right to be angry with me, Ed," Kate said, shaking her head repentantly.

"I do not. Not completely." Edwina said, "But I must ask - have you regretted teaching me? Shaping me?"

"Edwina!" Kate gasped.

"You are my big sister, the best big sister. I thought that you resented me. Why else would you let me look like a fool?" Edwina challenged.

"I could not resent you!" Kate argued, "I thought it was merely a passing folly, nothing more. And you loved him. I did not do it to make you a fool. I just... I wanted you to have the chances I did not. I remembered the prettiness of the season when I was younger, here with Appa and Mama. You deserved that. You always have!"

"So do you!" Edwina protested, "My grandfather being an earl does not change the fact that I was not born in a foreign country. I am not a Sheffield but a Sharma. We are supposed to be sisters!"

Kate shook her head, "Edwina, I did not wish to break your heart. You said you were falling in love with him."

"But you did." Edwina said quietly, "In trying not to, you were willing to let me go to that altar, ready to marry a man who had been pursuing you. It breaks my heart to think that you believed that is what either of us deserved such a fate."

"Anthony-"

"I am not speaking of Lord Brigderton, but you. You thought you deserved to sit back and watch a man who had been taken with you marry me." Edwina said and Kate sniffed, tears in her eyes.

"But he was still hurting the two of you." Mary pointed out sharply, "He should not have continued his pursuit of you Edwina."

"Do you love him?" Edwina asked her sister.

"I-" Kate stuttered out, her face warming thinking about when she last saw the man, "We have feelings for one another."

"Then if he is as honourable as he claims to be, he will court you in the way you deserve. and the two of you will marry." Edwina said decidedly. 

"In the meantime, I recommend civility with the Viscount-" Lady Danbury began.

"No." Edwina protested, "I do not want to be civil with him. He hurt me."

"Edwina-" Mary began.

Edwina shook her head, "All of you - Lord Bridgerton, Mama, even you, Lady Danbury! I am young, yes. But I have my own thoughts, I am not some porcelain doll for all of you to shape and have me bend to your will. I will not be civil with that man because you demand it. I will not

"I will sponsor the two of you for another season." Lady Danbury announced and the girls looked at her surprised, "That is the least I can do. Simon has offered a dowry. I belive you striking his eldest friend rather charmed the Duke."

"Anthony asked to court me," Kate said quietly, "I will not do so without your blessing."

"Okay," Edwina whispered with a small smile. She wanted Kate happy, more than anything.

"I'm sorry, akka." Edwina said tearfully, fresh tears falling down her cheeks. Both girls were crying, but more out of relief and they hugged for the first time in days. Mary wrapped her arms around her girls.

"Aggie, get in here." Mary pulled her into the hug.

"That is more than enough," Agatha said gruffly, pulling away after about five seconds, "We have one last ball to prepare for. The Featheringtons." They all shared a grimace.

"We have come thus far." Mary agreed, "We will not let them define us. We define ourselves."

...

They all actually had enjoyed the Faetherington Ball, despite the whispering and stares from members of the Ton. A swift endorsement from the Queen of the Sharmas quickly shut everyone up, as she made sure to announce a few of the King's eligible and handsome male relatives would be visiting England. Kate and Edwina chose to dance with one another, neither girl allowing any man to sign their dance cards.

And the fireworks at the end

"Miss Edwina, Miss Kate." The Duke and Duchess of Hastings greeted them, "It is lovely to see you."

"The two of you are so very beautiful." Daphne gushed.

"Thank you," Kate began to fervently thank him for supporting them.

"Well, we are practically family." Simon waved away, "It is the least the two of you deserve."

"Kate, I was wondering if you would like to take a turn in the gardens?" Daphne asked and was already looping her arm through her arm.

"To the floor?" Simon asked and Edwina smiled and nodded. The envying looks from Cressida Cowper and her circle were worth it.

"Your wife is not very subtle, is she?" Edwina asked the Duke with a knowing look.

"The Bridgertons have yet to master the art of subtlety." Simon laughed as he lifted Edwina up in a spin as the jaunty music began.

As the evening wound down, Mary and Lady Danbury were about to leave and look for Kate. But Kate found them.

"Mama!" Kate bounced over to the three, grinning. Anthony was following her, equally happy, "We are engaged."

"Oh, beta." She hugged her, trying not to sob happily. Anthony walked toward the two women, his face serious.

"Lady Mary. I will do everything I can to regain your trust. I love Kate and I want to take care of her and all of you." Anthony vowed. Mary nodded with a small smile.

Simon escorted Edwina to the women and Anthony, smiling at his friend.

"Edwina. We are engaged." Kate said cautiously, but her happiness was infectious and both sisters were smiling.

"I am happy for you, akka." Edwina gave her a big hug.

"Miss Edwina-" Anthony began but she simply turned around gracefully and walked away from him. Kate bit her lip, holding in a laugh but was proud her sister was not seeking his or anyone else's validation.

He was rather lucky not to get slapped again.

"I belive you must follow Augustus' direction when it comes to Edwina. Baby steps, my Lord." Lady Danbury recommended, "I believe it is time we all retire and we will do tea tomorrow?"

"Of course." Anthony looked reluctant to part with Kate, which warmed Mary's heart before he kissed her hand and released her.

"I will attempt civility. I do not like him, but I will do so for you, Kate." Edwina promised in the carriage.

"Thank you." Kate smiled and squeezed her hand.

"Perhaps I shall find my own reformed rake." Edwina winked.

"Please, no!" Mary and Lady Danbury chorused, making the girls laugh.

[caramel-whiskeys-writing]

Dutch Van Der Linde: Light Snowflakes

Red Dead Masterlist

Summary: You’ve been having a hard time dealing with being up in the mountains, and your feelings for Dutch only get stronger when he does something very sweet of him for you.

Pairing: Dutch x Reader

Warnings: None

Time: Chapter 1

Word Count: 651

Recommended Song: My Little Love by Adele

It had been a tough past few days. Something horrible happened in Blackwater and you had to quickly run out of the town. Within a few hours you had found yourself and the gang stuck up in the wintry mountains. It had been a painful time as you had lost some for your good friends and some of them you had no idea if they had made it out alive. You had spent the first day trying to comfort the other members of the gang, mainly the woman, and now you finally had your own time to rest. You were almost as important to the gang as Miss.Grimshaw, so everyone was very thankful for your help, but also told you that you should try something else or you'd turn into Miss.Grimshaw. You were also Dutch's go to person when he needed an extra hand for a job, so you had gotten pretty close to nearly everyone in the gang.

You were currently standing outside and watching over the small ice covered river that was near the old mining town and you had spent some time out there everyday since arriving here and Dutch took notice of this. You were one of the closest people he had known for a good while, so he noticed right away that all of this chaos was definitely taking a toll on you. After a few minutes of watching you from the old cabin he decided to go out and talk to you. You felt yourself start to shiver, but you could hear an argument going on in one of the cabins and you really weren't in the mood to be around that at the moment. After a bit you noticed footsteps coming up behind you, so naturally you turned around to see who it was and as soon as you saw Dutch your mind calmed down a bit. He stood beside you for a minute without saying anything before looking over at you and noticing how much you were shivering. You only had a thin blanket over your shoulders. He sighed which caught your attention and made you look over to him. Before you could say anything Dutch removed the blanket you had and placed his thick fur jacket around you instead. It was quite warm as he was a big man and was doing a lot of work, so naturally it felt a lot warmer on you. As well as the fact that you had started blushing thanks to his generosity.

You both smiled at each other and stood there for a bit longer without saying anything before Dutch started to thank you for everything that you have done for the gang over the years and more importantly for him. It almost felt like he was about to confess feelings for you, but before you could ask him about it you saw Arthur and Javier coming back from looking for John. For a few days after you had tried your best to get up the courage to say something to him, but then you had finally decided to head back down the mountain. Only once you had finally settled into Horseshoe Outlook did you finally bring it up to Dutch who just gently smiled at you before giving you a passionate kiss and let you keep his winter jacket as a gift to remember that kind and gentle moment you both had.

Any Requests?

If you enjoyed this part please leave a note! If you have any ideas for future preferences or one shots please leave it as a comment underneath "Any Requests?" and I will try my best to write from them! You can also DM me any ideas if you like!