#but its the fact that this is utterly out of character for her that truly worries him and makes him object

[zarnzarn]

ok but ares being protective over thena and not liking how ody grabbed her but then being chill when reminded that athena can take care of herself is just AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAÀAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA

hah a public admission that he cares abt his sister but at what cost

bro didnt even grab her that hard theyre all just unused to athena not planting her feet and being stubborn about everything. and also hes slightly traumatized from having to watch them make out in front of him lol u have to give him leeway for being a bit hysterical atm. but when ody said that he remembered that oh shit yea me too and couldnt think of anything else to stop them in time.

ares does not like this whole situation though. he does not understand why someone like athena who had been so steadfast in her refusals and violent in her rejections was just. giving in? it was not like her. he suspects foul play.

also in general in the rest of series, odysseus is just. fucking head in hands dealing w the rest of the prying gods and constant casual misogyny. one conversation actually left him so scarred he had to go 'i think we are not talking about the same person, athena snapped my spine once.' and just got up and left. went straight to ask athena to put a spear through his head so he could forget what the fuck he had just heard lol.

[obsessingoverthisandthat]

ANNABELL LEE

Is such a complex and lovely character, I can't. The difference between her thought process and Lenores thought process is beautiful and interesting-

She's a woman who very early in her life understood that she was not in a position of power, just by being a woman. That her life is controlled by a system everybody abides by that will never favor her. That she has to follow the rules of said system or even her family will cast her out as a mad woman, evident by the way they treat her anxiety/panic attacks. Nobody is safe. Nobody can be trusted. To keep safe is to follow the rules-

And the only way to get on top of anything, to gain even a smidge of control is to use the rules to you're advantage.

But this in turn demands of her to turn off care and empathy for others (which she is capable of btw. Annabell Lee is not just some unfeeling monster) Because factoring in how it would affect the other person, caring about another person is a risk factor to herself. And anyway, its not like anybody truly cares about her, right? Its not like there are people out there who would be willing to have empathy for her. They pretend, just as she does because it is polite. Some may even mean it on some level, but not truly. Not wholeheartedly. That's how she sees it.

She's on her own. Her true self is utterly and fully on her own.

Cue Lenore. Lenore started out just the same as any other person Annabell Lee could take advantage of. However, with one additional perk. She was a break. Annabell Lee didn't have to watch herself as closely, not maintain a facade as tightly as usual. Because she is talking to a mad woman. A woman diagnosed with hysteria, a woman shut in in the basement. She has no social power over Annabell Lee. Any accusations or similar can be explained away with her mental illness. So, with time she gets comfortable. Relaxes just a tiny bit. Lenore is pleasant company, sensible and quite smart to talk to.

She, on some level, understands Annabell Lee. And then. Then she cares.

And that is such an unfamiliar feeling. Such a dangerous sentiment. And ridiculous too, for why? Annabell is just taking advantage. Perhaps that's why Lenore is mad, for not quite understanding that. The social games and ladders.

And then the house burns down. And she grieves for a brief friend she had to leave, the first person who really cared.

And then Leo shows up.

Actually taking advantage of the rules, but in such a mad way, it is utterly baffling for her. It is the ultimate proof of care. Lenore cares for Annabell so deeply, it seems, she's willing to give away her life.

And she cracks. Because she desperately craves that. True companionship. True care. True love. And Lenore, wonderful, selfless Lenore, is willing to give her that. Does it with a smile and sacrifice.

So. The only sensible thing to do now. Is to make sure she keeps it. So, she cares back. So fiercely, she's willing to kill for Lenore. So fiercely, that Lenore becomes the only other real person in her life. The only other real person in the whole world.

It feels special. They are the only ones worth fighting for. They are a team, a unit. Annabell Lee truly cares for Lenore because Lenore will always truly care back. And that is worth more to her than a million other lives, that have never known true care even if it stood before them, waving.

Now, imagine the heartbreak when she understands, that Lenore is willing to truly care for others too. She never truly got the fact that Lenore wasn't all alone like her. That Lenore had a brother who truly cared and that Lenore became a madwoman because of said brothers death. She doesn't get it, that real connections do not require sacrifice. It is scary for Annabell that Lenore is willing to give up a lot for people, she perceives will simply not do so back.

Fact is Lenore was Annabells first and only friend. But Annabell is not the first and only friend of Lenores.

Fact is that Annabell thinks the only way to be safe and get ahead is to play by the set up rules. But Lenore doesn't see the sense in doing that if it harms her friends. Lenore would rather rip the system and rules apart than play by them. And that's always been the case.

Even if to Annabell, previously, it didn't look it. Even if Annabell thought they were the same.

And the most heart wrenching thing? Annabell will continue to act like she always has, because she values their relationship too much, values Lenore too much. Because that's how she keeps the things important to her, her life, her love, safe. And it will continue to drive Lenore away, because it requires sacrifice of people Lenore is fond of.

They will only get somewhere healthy when Annabell gains another friend and starts understanding Lenores point of view.

But Annabell is scared of that. It feels unsafe. She might become a madwoman.

So. We are at a cross point. Either Annabell Lee gives in or Annabell Lee loses Lenore.

Which. Fun. Is she gonna give in? Not without a fight, I imagine. It goes against everything she ever build up, against every rule of being she ever set for herself.

It is going to be difficult.

And there will be loss.

I'm so very excited to see it.

[sadcoms]

timepetals thoughts i keep having:

i know that the assumption is “she is my s-” means soulmate but i always think he just thinks of rose as his soul. less that she completes him or is his other half and more that she just is his conscience and any goodness he may have is hers. he was born out of love for her, she is such an integral part of him, she is his soul itself.

i know everyone has taken permanent damage from the “how long are you going to stay with me” and why the general focus is on the doctor’s reaction but the way rose says forever gets to me. she’s not giddy or girlish when she says it, in some ways she almost sounds resigned to it, which has wonderfully angsty connotations in the timeline of s2. but it’s why it really works for me, she is so dead serious and committed when she says it, because she understands everything it means (and therefore part of her feels solemn about it). it has a lot of weight to it. even the first time donna says she’s going to travel with the doctor forever to martha at the end of the doctor’s daughter she sounds a lot more fanciful.

every time i hear the doctor scream when rose loses her grip in doomsday i just think that he would absolutely not have survived her actually being sucked into the void.

i always think the vocals in doomsday are similar to the doctor’s theme so to me the angry rock music is rose’s side and the vocals are his, rather than the howling wolf idea i’ve heard some people compare it to. how the doctor’s theme is lonely and mournful with its sparse instruments but calm, everything the ninth doctor was, while doomsday is heartbroken and angry and an entire orchestra because it’s two people overcome with grief together. how doomsday becomes such a motif for both characters individually, even when they're separated.

i still struggle to comprehend that the doctor wearing floral ties in s3 is canon and NOT a fanfic trope like you're telling the doctor said "i need a floral motif as close to my two hearts as possible" and you're describing him as something other than a grieving widower???

the doctor really could not go anywhere in s3 without running into some kind of couple but i never see people talk about the parallels in 42. “we chose this ship together / he keeps me honest so i don’t want false hope” and the way the doctor literally gives mcdonnell his condolences through gritted teeth?? the fact that she would rather die with korwin than be without him and have it be her fault

that the doctor, king of self-loathing, saw rose dressed as his ninth self and carrying a giant weapon and he not only RAN to her but then deliberately protected her from the trauma of seeing him change again. and then tentoo immediately picks a blue suit to be like now i’m matchey matchey with rose 🥰 the universe was ending and he’d seen rose again for two actual minutes but the doctor was so utterly focused on her.

how tentoo truly is rose's doctor, especially as he's got that little bit of nine in him. he's born out of the same love and protection of his previous incarnations but he loses a heart and the curse of the timelords and goes oh, this is rose's heart. and then he wears the blue mourning suit and yes, there is still mourning, but there is also the start of the rest of their lives together.

how the doctor’s hair most noticeably changed after school reunion to become spikier and less boyish. how that coincides with him using mickey to put distance between himself and rose now that he’s been reminded of rose’s mortality.

how wild the doctor and jack’s conversation in utopia is. the way the doctor says “rose” like it’s an entire explanation in itself because even before she absorbed the time vortex she fundamentally changed the life of everyone she met. the way he says “everything she did was so human” and the way he accepts jack’s sorry to him because there’s no trying to deny his feelings from jack, not when he saw his ninth self. the way jack has BARELY finished his sentence about watching rose grow up when the doctor casually asks him if he wants to die, the almost playful way he says it. one semi suicidal immortal who spent half of the season trying to get himself killed to another, both of them still kind of toying with the idea. both of them trying to have hope even though they've lost so much.

[casual-socks]

HI IVE BEEN MASSIVELY HYPERFIXATED ON TMA FOR ABOUT A YEAR AND IVE SEEN MAYBE ONE (1) SINGULAR PERSON TALK ABOUT THIS and i am not even kidding when i say its been a passionate topic of conversation for that entire year. people know me for this. it comes up and my entire friend group SIGHS AUDIBLY because they know the 20 minute tangent i Will be taking

WHATTTTT IS GOING ON WITH GERARD KEAYS NAME. what. what???? okay i

youre telling me jonathan sims went to oxford college (relatively prestigious if my memory serves me correctly) for RESEARCH. for, to put it simply, READING. and he looks at the name gerard and goes Yeah looks like jared to me lets go with that!!! HELLO?? NO?? not even mentioning the fact that he is being what could easily be called possesed when reading these statements which leaves us with two options

1. the ENTIRETY OF ENGLAND CANNOT PRONOUNCE THE NAME GERARD.

2. jonathan sims is so monumentally stupid that he is somehow breaking this possesion for the 2 seconds it takes to say the name gerard (i love him i swear i will sound so so hateful for this entire post but its out of love)

and like??? its not even that EVERYONE is calling him jared? elias and gertrude have both called him gerard and thats just off the top of my head. i also think jon said it correctly ONEEEE SINGULAR TIME. Just the once.

now i feel it necessary to mention jared hopworth here as well. because why, why on gods green earth, would you name a character gerard. pronounce it jared. TURN AROUND AND GO. lets make another jared but this ones made out of meat and is sort of implied to not be too fond of gay people. Yeah he steals peoples bones. Yeah.

SO LIKE GERARD KEAY IS THE OBJECTIVELY SUPERIOR JARED EXCEPT HES NOT JARED HIS NAME IS LITERALLY GERARD?? FUCK YOU SO MUCH

so okay. sure whatever this podcast is sooo british that a bunch of people are just completely failing to pronounce gerard. sure. whatever you say.

GERRY?????? HIS FUCKING NICKNAME IS GERRY???????????? NO!!!!

NO. no. LOOK ME IN MY EYES. LOOK AT THE NAME GERARD. GER-ARD. AND YOURE TELLING ME YOURE GONNA CALL HIM JARED. SND THEN YOURE GONNA CALL HIM GERRY WITH A G???? gerry with a g. that is utterly ridiculous i cannot even believe this that is monumentally frustrating i cannot even begin to describe to you all the anger i have experienced over this particular bit because why on earth would you take that particular extra step??? gerard -> gerry. sure. thin ice, but sure. jared -> jerry. sure! yeah! makes sense! GERARD -> JARED -> GERRY? you must be playing some sick joke jonny sims. seriously. you are a cruel and usual man

now this is when i start to wind down, but far from where i finish. lets take a moment to really pause and soak in his actual name here.

gerard.

that is so unfortunate already i mean really, gerard is such a…. a name…. i mean his mom skins people and puts them in books and the cruelest thing i think she ever couldve done is honest to god name her son gerard.

keay.

now dont get me wrong. theres nothing seriously wrong with spelling it keay on principle. but god, really? youre gonna shove all this gerard gerry jared business in front of me and tell me his last name is just key but gone the extra mile. really feels like the cherry on top of a shit cake.

now if you consider gerards character i truly feel as though thats the deepest disservice here. gerard keay is an incredible character whos short appearance is so memorable and charming, and despite his VERY little screen time he still has an intriguing and well fleshed out character. really, gerard keay is so excellent character wise. But, every time i think about him for any more than 5 minutes, almost this exact rant is being told to whoever is unfortunate enough to be near me at the time.

another thing i think also really adds to this is just the nature of gerard keay. everything you can say about that guy could be ended with “and everone calls him jared for some reason”. hes emo and everyone calls him jared for some reason. his hair dye job is so miserable that EVERYONE mentions it and everyone calls him jared for some reason. he has mommy issues and everyone calls him jared for some reason.

okay i need to wrap this up before i start just repeating WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY for thousands of words but heres a graph i made for my friends in october 2022 when i was going on about this in the middle of my spanish class 👍👍

[rise-my-angel]

'BuT NeD ThInKs PoSiTiVeLy Of RhAeGaR' Ned thinks of Rhaegar ONCE that he was a man unlikely to visit brothels. From this we can conclude that he was not a sex pest like Robert. How on earth does this inform of Ned's personal feelings though? Ned is comparing Robert and Rhaegar and thinking in factual terms. Its similar to how he thinks of Aerys killing his father and brother but not once does he express hatred against Aerys. But we do know what he would think of Aerys, its common sense. Even if we go by 'Lyanna was willing' idea, Lyanna still died because Rhaegar impregnated her at 15 and then left her imprisoned without proper healthcare. She died because of Rhaegar's actions. People who use this argument are usually those who don't understand Ned's character very clearly, he is a man who while suffering from ptsd, suppresses painful emotions and feelings.

Ned Stark is SO MUCH more complicated then those people will ever give him credit for. They are desperate to paint him as so easily black and white when he is the most "living in the grey area" man to literally ever exist. They also refuse to give any context to that scene.

Because it isn't really Rhaegar Neds thinking about in that scene, it's Jon. Ned is in a brothel looking for one of Roberts many bastards, and connecting Robert to Lyanna to Rhaegar he wonders if Rhaegar was like Robert in that sense. The question Ned is really asking, is if there is a possibility that there are more people out there like Jon. He's asking himself if he's sure that Jon is alone and comes to the conclusion that yes, Rhaegar probably didn't sleep around like Robert and this comes to the conclusion that the only secret child of Rhaegars is in fact, still Jon.

But it's like you said, Ned strongly buries his true emotions deep down. He is a very traumatized man who has never truly gotten past the point in his life where his sister died in front of him. Ned is still trapped in that room and the haunting smell of blood and roses. Ned was described as catatonic for a while after Lyanna died and he never truly came out of that emotionally. He keeps everything inside very deeply and is utterly haunted with that upcoming trauma once the main story starts. His every action in Kings Landing is rooted in that trauma of what happened to Lyanna and the deep fear of what will happen to Jon. Everything he does in Kings Landing is about that, Neds priority in the story, is Jon. That dicates everything he does in the main plot because he is deeply traumatized and terrifed of what will happen to his son.

There's even a strong argument to be made that had Robert never come to Winterfell and involved the Starks directly within the dealings of the Crown, that Ned wouldn't ever have let Jon join the Nights Watch. That agree or disagree with letting him, that a big reason he allows it, is out of the fear of Jon being anywhere near the people Ned's spent Jons entire life protecting him from. That Ned would rather Jon be in the Nights Watch, then hunted down and murdered by Robert.

Ned the entire story and half of his life has been burying very deeply rooted trauma of what happened to Lyanna, and has been motivated that same time to put Jon as one of his biggest priorities right up until his death. But because he keeps this all buried deep inside, its easy for people, mostly Rhaegar defenders, to paint him as black and white, a bad father, a mindless soldier with no autonomy outside of Robert, a selfish man.

Ned Stark is one of the best written characters in recent literature, theres a reason he's still remembered and talked about to this day, and it is certainly not because he is as black and white as Rhaegar stans desperately try to slander him as.

[variousqueerthings]

hi hello the exorcist show for the ask game please!!! (hope you are well!)

AHHH HELLO HELLO HELLO HELLO HELLO HELLO

awwyeahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh (also known as: the show of all fucking time that nobody watched before it was too late, including my good self but lbr they were never giving it a third season but does it matter???? we got two seasons of some of the most beautiful narrative you can imagine. chill im chill you know im chill gosh im so happy you watched this show still!)

my favorite female character ooh, this is interesting, because I never had a Fave fave out of all of them, but i think a toss-up between Angela Rance (duh, perhaps, my beloved Geena Davis), Mother Bernadette (i miss u babe), and Rose Cooper (head solidly on her shoulders as she navigates the utterly bizarre, adopts all the kids 😭😭😭)

my favorite male character YOU KNOW! HOW DIFFICULT! THIS IS! YOU KNOW I HAVE TO GO MARCUS BUT THEN TOMAS WOULD ALSO SAY MARCUS (but then Marcus would say Tomas, so forwards and backwards we go) - my midlands orphan who was groomed and abused by the Church to become an object/weapon, who has somehow maintained an inherent belief in People, in Goodness, and above all who will never ever let another child suffer on his watch!!!! who sees abused children and wants to save them!!!!!!!!! who is queer and deeply repressed (canonically this time, we say this about many a character, but Canonically!!!!) and working through it!!!! played by the beauteous and yet rugged Ben Daniels!!!! This character Did Things to my psyche forever and always, he is nestled softly in there!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

my favorite book/season/etc Mmmmmmm there's only two to go for... I think........ argh. hm. ok. no. i can't do it. coward's way out. soz babe

my favorite episode (if its a tv show) me like, damn it's so episodic, what happened wheeen but ok in terms of Moments in the story: s1: when we properly discover who Angela is. the rug pull is so so good for me and pulls everything into focus as a Story! s2: toss up between "Marcus makes out with a sexy fisherman (called Peter!!) while Tomas embarks on The Horrors alone," and the finale............. gosh that s2 finale!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

my favorite cast member I've seen Ben Daniels onstage and it absolutely rocked my whole world, but I cannot go without shouting out Alfonso Herrera (yes, he of Sense8 fame to anyone reading this trying to connect the dots!) Geena Davis, and John Cho!!!! like!!!! this cast is fucking Stacked!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

my favorite ship Tomas/Marcus. whatever they are, they are everything to one another! which is the whole core of the show

a character I’d die defending Father Devon Bennett!!!!! I don't know if he needs defending from fandom, but holy cow the way we leave him is so so bleak it hurts my soul!!!!! can someone come save my baby boy 😭😭😭

a character I just can’t sympathize with Idk man. the demons? OH NO WAIT I KNOW FUCKN! MARIA WALTERS!!!! Truly a "ok sob story, still evil" kinda thing (which is the point, this woman!!! this fucking woman!!!!!!!) -- i do like how absolutely pathetic she was in a particular way I usually see in these powerhungry guys! girlboss! cancer killed the demon inside of her (lol)

a character I grew to love I'd say Mouse. I think the thing about Mouse is simply that we didn't get to the next part of her story, so she's In Potentia permanently. I also think it was a slight misstep to ground her in a past will-they-won't-they with Marcus, because it puts her into that fatal position of "oh so she's just a love interest after all" vs giving her her own journey, BUT! HOWEVER! She does have her own journey! very much so in fact! it's just that that wig Ben Daniels had in the flashbacks was fucking atrocious and you were maybe more interested in the current-day stuff on first watch but then on second watch she really came into her own for me, especially everything she was doing with Bennett! I wish we'd had more of them doing Stuff together! I wish we could have seen her and Tomas properly bonding!!!!!!!!!

my anti otp um. dunno really. Marcus and the wig. I wasn't necessarily compelled by Marcus and Mouse romantically either, I will say, but her hero-worshipping him and misreading it a certain way (she was a young nun, he was a mysterious exorcist), that I can get behind, especially since present-day Mouse is so Capable and Jaded, we like that journey for her

Anyway... that fucking show. forever in my mind. forever hurting my soul. forever waiting for a third season. forever recommending it because even without a full ending it's so so satisfying!

sry needed to add gifs of marcus touching tomas like he's precious

[cerastes]

The more we watch crappy high school romcoms or high school wish fulfillment shows where the ostracized-slash-lonely main character is actually a super genius and never misses with the gang, the easier it becomes to appreciate Oregairu, which even without the context of being in part explicitly a parody of the genre is already a good show, but it becomes even better the more you understand what genre it is mercilessly ripping to shreds without coming across as a *anime youtuber voice* deconstruction high on the smell of its own flatulence. To put it in other terms, while it is in fact a parody of the usual High School Loner Genius Romcom/Harem formula, it also actually cares to deliver a good story with its own themes and depth beyond “parody”.

Hachiman’s 4-D chess seemingly works at first, but it’s explicitly shown to be simple stopgap measures that don’t fix anything and may even make things worse in the long term, and throughout the story, it takes actually realizing that he’s burning bridges that he desperately wants and that he’s not some Loner Genius high schooler The Joker that has it all figured out, and only then does he actually start working his ass off to properly solve the problems in front of him through what is a refreshing combination of sheer humane, considerate solutions mixed with his inherent cunning, with the long term in mind. Yukinoshita is the genius hot girl that is good at academics and sports, but she is so utterly incapable of making meaningful connections with people that it doesn’t really help her at all because, well, not just in school but in life, you really need to know how to handle people and work together with them, no matter how intelligent or capable you are, and this weakness overshadows her strengths, completely negating her advantages. Yuigahama is the preppy popular girl that is charismatic and good looking, but pretty naive or even ‘dumb’ sometimes, but then it becomes clear that not only is she incredibly mature emotionally, she WILL be ruthless and assertive when she actually needs to be and isn’t some selfless little goober, but at the same time, she also doesn’t have anywhere or anyone she feels she truly belongs at or with until she meets these two other strays, whose bluntness and sincerity she appreciates greatly.

Then, a third of the story in, we are introduced to Iroha, who represents the cunning younger student that is always this beloved, charming girl who actually is a pretty cunning and even malicious trickster that always gets what she wants... Except, NO ONE falls for it for longer than maybe a few seconds, and then it turns out that she and Hachiman are just really compatible, and they become good friends in that sort of caustic, vitriolic way that is only natural for the two of them, cynic duo that they make.

And needless to say, Hachiman’s sister, Komachi, is immediately, frame one shown to not only have a perfectly believable relationship with Hachiman in that they dunk on each other on sight, but also REALLY wants Hachiman to start dating a girl already and actively tries to get him to grow closer to any of his lady friends. The closest to a siscon joke in Oregairu is when someone reacts to Hachiman’s (grounded and not exaggerated) protectiveness of her by asking “oh, are you a siscon?” to which he replies “what in the fuck are you talking about, no, I’m worried about my sister because she’s my sister, don’t be weird about this”.

Oregairu has this habit of consistently showing you tropes and archetypes you will very clearly recognize from formulaic anime and novels, and then immediately humanizes them, not enough to fully remove them from the context of “you are watching anime or reading a light novel”, and just to remove them from “you know exactly what to expect from This Character”. It’s at that point where the narrative mix-ups, as it were, begin: Is this character going to at all follow the usual role you’d expect from them in a romcom or harem, or is this character going to go off the rails and pleasantly surprise me?

And it always goes off the rail when it matters with Oregairu. It’s always a pleasant surprise with Oregairu.

[kaija-rayne-author]

Review 10.3 of Dragon Age Veilguard

74 hours in, 72 playtime

Obligatory disclaimer, feel free to jump to the cut if you've read it.

Something came to my attention. I need to make it crystal clear that I utterly love the diversity in DAV. It's fantastic. I'm also a heavily left leaning, non-binary, queer as fuck reviewer, editor, and author.

I'm on media blackout while I play this, so I'm only getting second-hand info on how awful it is right now in the DA Fandom. Please be safe and take care of yourselves. Arguing with incels and white supremacists is completely pointless. They sea lion worse than an actual sea lion. Your mental health is important.

Though, every single time the anti-queer brigade comes out for a new DA game, I sit there thinking 'have you bozos ever played any DA game, like, ever?' My guess is nope.

Spoilers for Dragon Age Veilguard

Section 10.2 here.

So. I didn't want to play tonight, didn't really have the energy. But I legitimately fear if I don't play for even one day, I'll drop it and not come back. I have ADHD, its a strong possibility, and I still want to see what happens in the story for myself.

I hereby announce that I am, in fact, Eating Crow. Game Lucanis is way better written and developed than in his intro story.

And Lucanis did let Emmerich help, after all. Plot hole taken care of.

That's it? That's all we get about The Titans? After all the previous foreshadowing, we get a single companion quest to find out and resolve (completely unrealistically) the entire issue of The Titans? Are you seriously kidding me?

I need a stronger word than flabbergasted.

Discombobulated. I'm discombobulated at the sheer level of mishandling so many incredibly important aspects have been treated to in this game.

Yes, it's nice to get confirmation about my guess to the history of Titans and Elvhenan... but are you seriously fucking kidding me?

Lucanis talks about coffee more than we get something as important as the Titans settled.

Anywaaaay.

Called it on the identity of the Gloom Howler. And the 'reason' for Isseya to be doing the exact opposite is 'she's been driven mad by 400 years of guilt for following orders'? Edit, it's been pointed out she's suffered the blight for 400 years, too. The blight, in the Lore, basically makes creatures start digging out dragon/arch demons. Because all they can hear is 'the song'. There have been speaking hurlocks working for the benefit of the unblighted. There's the Architect, who keeps showing up and is sane. If directly opposed to anything mortals would want. There's no support in the Lore for blight making someone mentally ill. I truly just feel it's bad writing.

That is so over the top ableist I'm not sure if I can describe it in small enough words why we shouldn't say grief and guilt makes us fucking mentally ill in a dangerous fashion! There isn't a mental illness that I'm aware of that includes a person completely reversing deeply held, sacred beliefs so they do the exact opposite of what they've previously sacrificed so much for.

Crazy and mad both mean mentally ill. That's why calling Isseya mad or crazy is ableist. Isseya would protect those griffins, She’d very possibly steal them to protect them from the wardens. I could see where, out of fear, she'd decide that the Wardens weren't worthy of the griffins after all.

What I cannot see is her sticking a knife into the skeletal remains of a 400 year old arch demon dragon and actually finding liquid blood. That's some foolish jurassic park nonsense. Thinking maybe she got it from the blood marrow? That's dried and almost dusty within a century. Or turned to a rocky like consistency. I don't care how magical the creature those bones came from was, that's just not happening. It's ridiculous.

What I cannot see is her then using that to infect the griffins she fought so hard to save from that very fate.

Last Fall wasn’t my favourite of the books. But both the writer and the character Isseya deserve fucking better than what the end of her story will likely be. I can think of two ways that dumpster fire could be satisfactorily fixed, but I have zero trust in the Bioware writers anymore, so I highly doubt they're going either direction.

And outright stating that too much emotion makes us dangerously mentally ill... I've always said Bioware had ableism problems. I've said they need to hire diversity editors.

I'm utterly appalled that they thought that whole storyline was even remotely okay on any level.

So. Do I have this right?

The Evanuris did lots of bad things. One of the worst was severing the Titans and the dwarves from their dreams.

The Evanuris bound themselves to high dragons, blighting them, and they did this for more power.

The blight is somehow The Titans' or dwarves or both severed dreams? If that's the case, the blight should now be receding or cured because the Titans have been 'fixed'. In a completely unrealistic and ridiculous manner that does a disservice to the whole damned Titan Evanuris war, but hey. I'm used to bad, nonsensical writing. Especially in this game.

Solas made the veil to imprison the Evanuris? Bad side effects. Which, in the Lore, include the death of magic in THEDAS and the eventual death of the realm itself. But we're apparently conveniently brushing that under the rug of bad writing to drive through a story that makes no sense.

He tied the veil, their prison, into their life essences.

So the theory they seem to be going with is that by killing the arch-demon dragon, the Evanuris will become mortal.

They were mortal before they bound dragons to themselves for more power. Mythal was mortal. She was murdered. (Oopsie, even bound to her dragon.) But the Evanuris, the first elves, didn't age and were eternal. They could be killed, sure, but just regular living, even inside a prison, wouldn't have killed them. So why exactly would all the other Evanuris be dead? Just killing their dragons wouldn't have killed them. If they were somehow dead... Wouldn't that have thinned the precious veil that they've spent three games, numerous books etc. stating was thin and as full of holes as my grandmothers crocheted doilies?

Somehow, the veil is completely all better now and holding back a world of blight that never existed in the fade except maybe in the black city? We've been to the fade several times in this game and seen no blight.

How exactly is the blight the corrupted dreams of dwarves or Titans? Does that make any sense to anyone else?

Does that mean that Genlocks (blighted dwarves) dream?

And the veil is what separates the world and magic/dreams/world of spirits?

If the so precious veil is tied to the life energy of the Evanuris... and the veil was created to contain them... what exactly is going to happen to said veil when those Evanuris die?

Either I've figured out the end of the story, or found plot holes the size of Texas if they try to say that veil is still in place once Gilly and Eggy are dead. (Why again are there only two Evanuris left? Have we gotten an answer to that? That makes any sense?)

They've made the answers to everything too pat and yet so convoluted they're tripping over things they've said are fact in this very game.

I just... how? Why? What the actual fuck? How is the writing in this so reprehensibly bad?

I can write better stories in my sleep FFS. And have. One of my published novellas was a dream before I wrote it down. And at least everything makes sense in it.

Section 11 here.

[coolcattime]

Home and Free: Chapter Fourteen - New, and a Bit Alarming

Characters: Captain Capsize, Sonja Firefox, Skipper Redbeard, Jordan Captainsparklez, Tucker Jericho, Tom Syndicate, Martha the Mystic, Mot Screziato, Alyssa Countybat, Waglington, Farmer Steve, Prince Andor, Jeriah, Lady Ianite (mentioned)

Relationship: Captain Capsize/Sonja Firefox, Captain Capsize/Jordan Captainsparklez (onesided)

AO3 Link

Full Story Tag

Though winter had well and truly set in, Capsize didn’t feel the isolation that she had felt during the season for the two years previous. While she was more physically isolated from the world at large than she had ever been, it certainly didn’t feel that way to her.

For as long as she could remember, she had always been surrounded by people. Ianerea was a tightly knit community, built upon tradition and superstitions. Leaving children alone was a good way for them to get stolen away by the fae or syrens or whatever ghost story the elders wanted to tell that week. So even when their parents had been out at sea, she and Red had never been left to their own devices. Then once they had gotten old enough that they hadn’t needed a babysitter and could explore by themselves, there was always a crowd at least somewhere on Ianerea.

Then, of course, she had never been alone when she had been on ships. She and Red had arguably been taken aboard too young. Young enough that even saying ‘arguably’ felt charitable. There had certainly been people ready and willing to look after them both while their parents were sailing, but that was the type of people there were, she supposed. Preferred to have them trained on ships than risk them not wanting to sail later in life. Gods, they were probably rolling in their graves knowing that they were both landlocked. But that mattered little. The main point was that growing up she could hardly recall a moment where she had been alone.

Even in the quietest of moments there had been Ianite. Her goddess who had become her friend. She’d always been there to talk if there had been even the tiniest possibly of her being lonely.

The change when she had moved to the town had felt so stark.

It wasn’t as if the town was devoid of people. For a town of its size, it was frankly brimming with them, but that did not stop the terrible isolation from settling in. The amount of people milling around hadn’t stopped her from feeling utterly alone. No matter how many people there were, it didn’t make up for the fact that they just seemed to dislike her very way of being.

Winter in the town had been hellish. At least in the warmer months she had the option of wandering to the river to clear her mind. She knew that going off somewhere to be alone wasn’t in any way saving her from isolation, but it had been a comfort in the warmer months to be able to escape however briefly from the suffocating place. However, with the short daylight hours and icy roads of winter it just wasn’t an option. Without it, she had struggled to maintain her sanity even with Redbeard and Jeriah.

The worst part was that even Ianite had fallen silent. She would pray and even just talk to herself on the days when Redbeard was out of town, but for the first time in her life there was no reply.

So, winter had become a season that she dreaded. However, the terrible isolation she had expected hadn’t set in this year.

It felt almost odd. The castle had less people living in it than anywhere she had ever been before, but she had more friends here than she had had in years. Possibly more than she’d had at any point in her life. Those feelings of isolation and self-doubt almost felt like they were just a distant dream, though obviously she knew that they hadn’t been. It was just that the happiness of finally being able to act like herself without the judgement of those around her, without the constant whisperings and stares, was intoxicatingly wonderful.

She was, in fact, sure of herself for what felt like the first time in nearly three years now. She didn’t have any reason to hide parts of herself anymore. Despite every self-conscious thought she had carried with her in the back of her mind, she wasn’t being treated like an oddity here. And, yes, she acknowledged that said people living here were a host of living objects and a Beast. That if anyone from the outside world saw them, they would be treated far worse than oddities. But they were her friends. That was far more than she could say for any of the apparently normal people from the town.

Every time she thought of them as her friends, she felt a smile creeping onto her face. She just felt so happy now. Obviously, she’d made friends before, she wasn’t going to deny that fact. However, how the castle had originally been a place that felt so utterly cold and hollow, just made all the friends she now had here feel all the warmer. So, even though she was further from civilization than she had ever felt, and she was around fewer people than she ever had been, the sense of isolation that had been gnawing away at her mind for so long now had all but disappeared. Despite all her expectations, she was happy here.

Of course, she still had feelings of unhappiness for how she had come to be in the castle in the first place. They were quieter now though. She couldn’t resent her circumstances, not the way she had resented the town.

She did still find herself wondering why Ianite had become so quiet. It had been so long since she had heard her voice. At this point, she wasn’t even sure that it had been her goddess that she heard that night in the West Wing rather than her own imagination. But Ianite being unresponsive was not due to her being here, it just stuck out even more now.

With the self-doubt and general feeling of isolation gone, the main thing that had begun to scratch and itch at her mind was all the questions. The magic of the castle was truly beyond anything she had seen or even heard about. How could she not have questions?

She had gained some explanations on the topic. Sonja was all too happy to explain any of the enchantments that she asked about with such feverous passion that Capsize found herself listening in complete awe. Even though some of the explanations felt completely beyond her, she found more enjoyment in feeling lost by them than she did in a great many other things.

However, there were still a great many things she was still questioning. Those were the questions that everyone seemed quite reluctant to answer. Namely, what precisely were the enchantments had been done to create the sentient objects that made up the majority of the residents of this place.

She hadn’t asked these questions directly. She felt that it was a little, well, rude to ask people how they had been crafted. But she couldn’t help but keep wondering. After all, to her knowledge, there should be a way for them to exist. Not without an extremely potent source of magic continuously fuelling them and she was yet to find anything of the sort. Though obviously her own knowledge of magic was limited, so perhaps there were more advanced techniques that she was simply unaware of.

However, the longer she went without any explanation, the more questions that began to pile up. Because they were people. Their different personalities and relationships felt far too intricate to just be crafted. And considering some of the knowledge that they possessed, it was impossible for her to believe that Sonja had created them.

She wasn’t doubting that Sonja was knowledgeable about a great many things, however, her knowledge on the town seemed non-existent. She was so curious about any piece of information Capsize shared of the place, as she seemed curious about her life in general. She’d ask questions about the town in the same tone that Capsize found herself asking about magic and enchantment, lost but wanting to learn anything that she can.

So, if she didn’t know about the town herself, it wasn’t something she could have given her creations knowledge of. So, the logical answer was that she hadn’t made the other residents of the castle. Though that still left the obvious question of who had created them. That felt like an impossible question to answer as all the other enchantments in the castle had been done by Sonja, but it was impossible to deny that the enchanted objects felt so utterly different than any of the other enchantments. Which meant the most logical answer to the bigger mystery Capsize had found about this place was that a mysterious stranger had appeared and done this which didn’t really feel satisfying. But she supposed that life rarely was.

The lack of satisfying answers itched within her thoughts and annoyed her to no end. However, she did her best to put her thoughts to the back of her mind. She did want to know the answer, but if she kept thinking on it all the time, she would drive herself mad. Why let herself be consumed by such a thing when she had a whole library to explore?

The library was truly wonderful. It had enough books to last her a lifetime, enough that she had been exploring the shelves for days now and still had barely made a dent in exploring the room as a whole. In a way, the idea that the room was hers still felt somewhat wrong. It was hard to process that she could deserve such a gift. She knew that was a less than healthy thought but thought patterns were unfortunately difficult to shift. At the very least they were now quiet enough to be drowned out by her own joy as she explored the shelves.

Today, she found herself doing exactly that, exploring the shelves for anything that might catch her eye. The collection was a mix of fiction and non-fiction, with books of every genre and on every topic imaginable. And they were organised in such a way that the books were often next to each other with seemingly little regard for actual organisation. It certainly made picking up any given book more exciting.

Most of them looked as if they had only ever been touched when they were originally placed on the shelf. But there was the occasional book that was clearly well-loved. The majority of books in said state were magical tomes, the sort of thing that she could so easily picture Sonja pouring over while creating her own notes. Not the sort of thing that she was currently looking for but Capsize was sure that she’d get curious enough about the topic to work her way through one eventually.

Right now, though, she was looking for a story. That was not something she particularly needed to look for. The shelves were packed, and she had doubtless already passed by dozens of stories that she would enjoy. But she found joy in being able to explore her options and she was glad that she had done so when a book did catch her eye.

Perhaps it shouldn’t have caught her attention at all. There wasn’t technically anything special about it. Just a slightly battered book. However, she recognised the designs on the cover. It was the same as her book, the one that Jeriah had given her. How could she ignore that?

She took it from the shelf, not quite sure what she was expecting. She knew that it was not the same book, it was thinner, but the design being identical meant that they were likely a part of the same collection or had been bound at similar times. Getting to look at the cover allowed her to see that the connection was deeper than that. The same author. She smiled.

Well, there was the answer to what she was reading today. At least that was what she thought as she walked back to the chair by the fireplace that was softly becoming a nest. Why would any other thought cross her mind when there was so much excitement currently flowing within it?

However, as she opened the book, she didn’t even reach the words written by the author as the presence of a handwritten message made her freeze.

To my beloved daughter. Happy birthday. You’re growing so fast into such a talented young woman.

It was not exactly an odd message to find at the beginning of a book. Given how nearly all of them that she read were second hand copies, finding a personal message to someone else had never given her such a pause before. However, this time it did. She stared at it in complete confusion. She had seen that handwriting before.

She’d seen it many times before.

Setting the new book on her lap, she reached for her book. For the book that Jeriah had given her. She opened it to the first page that she had flicked past so many times.

There it was. The exact same handwriting.

Something to read on your travels. Return home soon.

There was no doubt in her mind that the two messages had been written by the same person. And, therefore, she did actually know who had written them, as little sense as it made. She’d asked Jeriah about the message the first time she had borrowed the book.

“Spark and his odd sense of humour,” He’d said. He’d gone further to explain that the message was from an old friend. Over time, she’d learnt more of Spark from him, and realised that she herself had briefly met the man as a young girl, a fact that seemed to quite delight Jeriah. Though none of what she had been told explained the message.

Spark, as far as she had been told, had a son and a granddaughter, but no other family. But here there was, a message written by the man that was clearly for a daughter. Perhaps it could be for his son’s wife but then the message itself made little sense. So why on earth…?

Beyond that, even if Spark did have a daughter, why on earth would a book he gifted to her be here?

The more she tried to think about it, the more her head felt fuzzy. An oddly familiar feeling since she had arrived here, though it bothered her nonetheless. All her thoughts felt wrong in a way that she was completely sure was wrong, but that she had no explanation for. All she knew at this precise moment was that her list of questions was expanding.

“I thought that you’d be in here,” Her muddled thoughts were cut through by the voice of Sonja. She looked up with questions that she felt she desperately needed to ask, only for them to disappear as she saw the nervous smile on the Beast’s face.

No, not quite disappeared. Rather, they quieted. They were still there, still lingering, but as Sonja smiled so nervously, Capsize found herself wanting to talk with her rather than be bogged down in the confusion. She could ask about the messages and the potential of Spark having come here some other time, when her head could think through it without feeling like she was wading through mud.

So, she closed the books that she had been looking in and moved both of them to the table rather than her lap. And her attention moved to Sonja.

“Am I already becoming predictable?” She asked with enough of a hint of humour, knowing that she had already spent hours in here. As it turned out, when you could do any activity without people actively judging you, you tended to do it more.

Yes, it turned out that, as much as she had often tried to say that she didn’t care what they thought and tried her best to ignore them, being forced to constantly endure people whispering about her hobbies had taken a toll on her desire to do them. It hadn’t stopped her, but it had been a near constant itch. Now she no longer had to deal with that, she was going to spend as much time with things that she enjoyed as feasibly possible.

“Maybe a little, but I’m glad that you’re enjoying the library,” Sonja said with a small laugh. It wasn’t quite what she wanted to say. She wanted to say that was just glad to see her happy, but she couldn't quite bring herself to say something that felt far too much like a line that Tom would feed her. Maybe that was silly, and she shouldn’t be embarrassed to say things that she meant. But she didn’t need to say them for them to be true. “So much of the castle is just gathering dust, it’s nice to see any part of it in real use again.”

“You clearly used this place once. Why did you stop?” Capsize asked. There were so many clearly well-loved magical tomes in here. She couldn’t imagine it had been anyone other than Sonja reading them. And that left the obvious question as to why she had stopped using the room.

Sonja, for a moment, hesitated to answer. She should’ve known that Capsize would notice such a thing. She was ever so observant. But Sonja hadn’t thought to prepare for the question, and she was completely without a suitable answer for her. Except, that was, for the truth.

“I gained my strength… rather quickly. And now, well, I’m not gentle…” She said, her voice soft and more than a little embarrassed. She felt so big and clumsy in this form. No matter how careful she tried to be, she was sure that she’d destroy any book that she tried to hold. Capsize looked at her, an eyebrow slightly raised.

“You’ve been gentle with me,” She said, simply. After all, it was just a fact. These past weeks, Sonja had been so incredibly gentle. Even with how terrible she had been in her few days, it still felt so ridiculous for her to believe that she could not be gentle at all.

“That’s only because I’ve been actively making myself think and focus on it,” Sonja said under her breath. It felt so terrible to admit. It was not something that she should have to try to do. She should be able to be careful without having to worry about and account for unnatural strength or her claws tearing anything. If she had to actively concentrate on it, then it didn’t really count, did it?

“So?” Capsize asked. “You’re still being gentle even if it requires thought. So many people wouldn’t be bothered to try in the first place.”

Her voice tensed a little at the end, and Sonja knew immediately that she must have encountered such people. And a quiet anger started building that she fought not to show.

She knew that Capsize was resistant to talking about some of the issues she’d had in the town. That there were people that she’d only allude to without ever going to detail. And it worried Sonja, though she didn’t have the guts to actually ask about it. Given her own inability to tell the truth about so many details of her own life, she didn’t think it’d be particularly fair of her to press on topics that Capsize avoided. Not to mention, it would only encourage the rage building inside her and she certainly didn’t need any intrusive desires to go and attack people living in the town.

“Oh! But I suppose you came here to discuss something particular given how you looked when you came in,” Capsize said, attempting less than gracefully to move the topic of discussion as far away from any risk of bringing up Ianite’s champion. She would much rather have whatever conversation Sonja had wanted.

The Beast could tell that her smile was slightly forced, and did feel a pang of dejection. Beyond anything she wished that Capsize would trust her enough to tell her of her troubles, but she also understood her hesitance to share something that was clearly painful. It was not as if she was sharing her worst moments either. Perhaps one day there would be enough comfort there for them both to be fully open with each other. Why linger on it currently?

Likely because it stopped nerves from the question that she actually wanted to ask from settling in.

“Yes, I was thinking, well,” She forced herself to take a breath. Why did she suddenly feel so nervous? It was as if her brain couldn’t compute that it was a perfectly normal conversation. She didn’t know what it was, but she so often found herself fumbling over her words and generally feeling like a mess when interacting with Capsize. It was beyond frustrating as she’d never felt any such difficulty talking to a person before.

She guessed it was due to the mounting pressure of the curse. The rose was wilting. The number of days between petals falling was starting to decrease. She had to fall in love soon and certainly couldn’t afford to mess this up with everyone counting on her. Though she wouldn’t exactly say that what she was feeling felt like such great pressure. Though she had no other reference for what it may be nor what other explanation for the feelings there could possibly be.

She just needed to breathe and focus. “Winter is here now, so the solstice is fast approaching. I wanted to know if there was any particular way that you celebrated so that you’d feel at home during the holiday.”

“Oh. That’s nice of you to check, but I haven’t actually celebrated it before,” Capsize said with a small smile.

“Wait. Really?” Sonja asked, moving swiftly from nervousness to confusion. While she hadn’t exactly celebrated the holiday since the curse, she had always celebrated beforehand, and she knew that there was a celebration in the town. It hadn’t occurred to her that Capsize might just simply not celebrate the holiday. She stood almost dumbfounded, knowing that said confusion was certainly showing on her face despite really hoping that it wasn’t. Gods, she had made an entirely unfounded assumption, hadn’t she?

She considered just running.

“Well, it’s a Dianitee holiday, so I didn’t exactly celebrate it growing up,” Capsize said, hoping that she didn’t sound dismissive by merely stating the truth.

Ianerea always felt quite insular, though it wasn’t completely isolated. It couldn’t be with how deeply travel and ships were ingrained into the culture. But Ianitee culture was certainly the most prevalent and given how deeply ingrained it was, only the equinoxes were celebrated with little to no acknowledgement of the solstices as holidays. She hadn’t realised that they were celebrated as such until she had left the island for the first time. Though, given how young she had been at that point, she hoped that she would’ve realised on her own had she began sailing at a more expected age.

“Doesn’t the town have a festival for it?”

“It does but I…” She hesitated on what to say on that point. She knew that she could’ve joined the celebrations, and she probably would’ve enjoyed them well enough as a break from the monotony that was life in the town. However, the first year she… she hadn’t felt up to it and the second Jordan had shown his colours enough that she was not going to risk him latching to her when she’d have no excuse to leave. So, she had avoided it, feeling all the more isolated as she heard and watched the celebrations from afar.

And she’d had regrets as she’d spent the day alone. As she’d heard Redbeard come back, having clearly had a good time. As she’d endured Jordan the next day telling her that even Jeriah attended while she hadn’t. But now, that regret had turned to appreciation that she hadn’t had the holiday tainted by a place that she disliked so much. “I never attended. But I’d be more than happy to celebrate for the first time with you.”

Capsize’s face wore a growing smile. She actually felt quite excited by the idea of experiencing the solstice here. She doubted it would be a festival, but she didn’t need that. She just needed it to be with good company… With Sonja…

Sonja noticed the tiniest hint of Capsize blushing, though she certainly did not know the cause of it. She just knew that it looked nice among her freckles and tiny scars that detailed her face.

“I think everyone here would be honoured to have you celebrate for the first time with us.”

The blush grew deeper.

“I’ll be looking forward to it. I’ll warn you, though, I’ll be expecting something impressive. Given that it’s a Dianitee holiday and you have someone here who I have to assume is an expert on such things,” Capsize said with a laugh.

To Sonja, it was a beautiful melody just how happy she sounded. Though, she did have to admit, she was slightly confused by the actual words that she had said.

“What do you mean? There’s a Dianite expert here?” She was almost certain she knew exactly who Capsize was referring to. There was only one man here that would refer to himself as anything of the sort. But with the way she was laughing, Sonja couldn’t help but worry about what precisely he had told her.

Capsize looked at her with a smirk. She didn’t quite believe what the candelabra had told her on that first night. But it would be awfully rude to not take him at his word if she was going to be celebrating this holiday with him.

“You know, Tom. Since he is the champion of Lord Dianite, after all.”

🌹 🌹 🌹

“You told her that you’re Dianite’s champion?!”

“She hasn’t celebrated the winter solstice before?!”

Sonja and Tom both exclaimed their own questions at the other in annoyance, though one was far more rightly annoyed than the other. Frankly, Sonja wanted to kill him. After everything that she had kept hidden to make sure that the curse wouldn’t be discovered, he had apparently been saying anything that he wanted to.

Tom, however, was not paying attention to the annoyance turning anger directed towards him. He was wholly focused on how utterly baffling it was that Capsize had never celebrated the winter solstice. It was such an important part of his life that it hadn’t occurred to him that anyone might not celebrate it.

Sure, it wasn’t an Ianitee holiday, but Jordan celebrated it. It just seemed logically that she would as well. Then again, Capsize didn’t like Jordan, so maybe he should’ve guessed that they didn’t celebrate the same holidays? And It wasn’t as if she particularly liked anyone else in town, so he guessed she probably wouldn’t have wanted to attend the festival.

He internally groaned. Everything had truly gone to the dogs without him.

“She wants to celebrate this year though, right?” He asked, mostly talking to himself and not looking up at the Beast looming over him. Sure, she was annoyed at something, but that wasn’t genuine. She was never really mad at him and his shenanigans, that wasn’t how this worked. So, whatever she was annoyed about he could ignore until later.

At least that’s what the candelabra had thought until he found himself grabbed by a paw. Being suddenly hoisted into the air to be face to face with a Beast that looked about ready to shatter him to pieces made him consider the slight possibility that she was actually annoyed at him. That didn’t mean he’d take said annoyance at all seriously, but he could acknowledge it as genuine, at least.

“You told her that you’re Dianite’s champion!” Sonja repeated, this time not leaving it as a question that he could pretend was rhetorical. She was growling. She wasn’t going to let him slip out of answering why the hell he had done this. Neither physically nor metaphorically. She wanted an answer from him this time.

Tom wiggled. It was about the only thing he could do. It had been a while since he had been reminded of Sonja’s strength in this form, as despite everything he still tended to picture her as she had been prior to the curse. Obviously, he knew had been physically changed, but she’d never been able to beat him in a fight before. It just didn’t strike him all that often that that was patently not true anymore. Though now that it did, and therefore he was very much stuck in this conversation, he pouted. Why did she want to focus on something that just didn’t matter?

“Yep. Told her the first night she was here,” Tom said in a far too casual tone as he rolled his eyes. Honestly, he had no idea why Sonja cared. It wasn’t as if he’d told her that he was a cursed human completely forgotten by the rest of the world. He’d essentially told her a joke for how likely it was that she had actually believed him. “She didn’t take me seriously, Sonj'. Not really, anyway.”

He had, of course, noticed the way Capsize had paused during that conversation. The way that she had at first been confident and almost flippant that Dianite didn’t have a champion, before seemingly changing her mind and being softer as she stated that she hadn’t heard of him having one. He had originally written it off as her just humouring him, but it was hard to keep thinking that way when it seemed to happen again and again.

If Tom had to guess, the way that the curse had erased their presences wasn’t completely foolproof. That someone who should know about them could vaguely tell that they had memories missing but not any specifics.

Or something like that anyway. He was mostly going on the way that Capsize looked in those moments of thought that people tried to distract her away from. Maybe it had little to do with the curse and more to do with Capsize just being intelligent. It wasn’t as if could ask her to check, then Sonja would have a reason to be annoyed at him.

Ah! Sonja. Yes, that’s what he was meant to be focusing on. Absolutely none of his thoughts had explained why she was glaring at him like he’d ruined everything.

“Why exactly do you care?” Tom asked, honestly kind of exasperated. He had been saying stupid things that he certainly shouldn’t have been this whole time. Sonja had watched him say most of them, and she certainly hadn’t had a reaction nearly as strong as this before. Of course, there was the idea that maybe she had always been annoyed the whole time and finding out that he had just blatantly said his title without even trying to be vague had finally been enough to push her into a reaction…

No. No, that was stupid. He dismissed that idea pretty much as soon as it came to him. “I can tell her I was just joking if you’re that concerned.”

“I—" Sonja nearly immediately faltered as she couldn’t think of any reasonable response. It wasn’t that her annoyance was gone. If anything, she was more annoyed than she had been previously by just how unbothered Tom seemed by this whole thing. However, it all seemed to burn away as she was confronted with the idea of having to tell the truth.

It all came down to the truth. The truth that she feared Capsize learning so much. It was only a matter of time before it was revealed she was sure. And… And she was trying to blame Tom for that.

She was being terrible again. Absolutely terrible.

In a sudden panic of her own worse tendencies, Sonja placed Tom on the floor as gently as her rattled mind would allow, which was not particularly but he was at least placed upright and not jostled onto his back. She fully intended to dash off, to hide and pretend this had not happened, because she just didn’t want to face what she felt so truly would be impossible moment for Capsize to move past.

She couldn’t tell Tom the reason why she had reacted so strongly. She couldn’t face that horrible dread that was eating away at her of how Capsize was going to react. She needed to leave, to just hide and ignore the world for a while.

“Sonja. What the hell is going on?” Tom questioned loud and clear. It cut through all her spiralling and forced her to stay in place. She turned around slowly. If one saw such a reaction, they would have assumed Tom’s tone to be aggressive, but he wasn’t.

No, Tom was worried. That was what got her to freeze. The amount of worry that was in her friend’s tone.

How could he be anything but worried with how she had completely flipped on a dime from anger to looking like she was about to flee the room? And it only grew as she turned to look at him, her entire form shaking.

“What am I supposed to do if she finds out that you’re a person?” She asked. The idea was completely overwhelming to her. It felt like a complete and utter nightmare.

Capsize was such a brilliant light. One that she certainly didn’t deserve. And she knew if she found out about the curse, about what she had caused to happen to everyone here, that she’d never look at her same again. It hurt. It was horrible for her to even think about. Deep down though, she knew that she’d deserve such a reaction.

Tom, as he looked at Sonja clearly terrified, felt lost. He knew that he had to say something. He didn’t have the option of just finding Mot or Martha and making them handle this instead, as much as he wanted to. He wasn’t the sort of person that was meant to give her advice, but if he said nothing she’d go off and hide and blame herself for everything. So, he needed to say something.

But there was only one thing he could think of saying.

“Then we’ll just have to tell her the truth,” He said. He knew it was not what he should say. He could already hear the lecture that Martha would give him if she learnt that he had. Her insisting that they could not allow Capsize to learn about the curse under any circumstances lest it mean she can’t break it, however that worked. But it wasn’t as if he was arguing that they should go right now and tell Capsize every detail of the curse. He knew the complications that telling her the truth would cause, but… But he saw the writing on the wall.

Capsize was figuring it out herself. How long could they really avoid her coming to the correct conclusion? Sure, she probably wouldn’t be able to figure out everything, but the fact that they had originally been people didn’t exactly seem to be a conclusion that she was far away from. In his opinion, they had already been way too obvious with the way they had to avoid certain topics like the plague.

It seemed likely enough to him that she may eventually ask the question close enough to asking if they had originally been people. Then she’d quickly leap to the actual question itself. And if she did, and they then denied the truth, that would be insulting to her intelligence. He knew that was the absolute last thing that Sonja would want.

“But then…” Sonja wanted to argue but she couldn’t. It was the only reasonable thing she could do in that situation, but she desperately wanted to avoid needing to do so. Which meant she needed to stop Capsize from figuring out their true selves, but that was progressively seemingly like an impossible task.

Yes, it seemed that just keeping the curse a secret would be impossible. Capsize was smart, she admired that about her. And that’s why she knew that the more she tried to hide, the more she would end up figuring out. But then she had to contemplate actually telling her what she had done to cause the curse. That was enough to make her blood run cold. “She’ll hate me, Tom.”

Her voice was quiet. She was as sure of that fact as she was utterly broken by it. What she had done was bad enough, what it had ended up causing was terrible. Far more pressing though was who had done the cursing.

How would Capsize ever forgive her for her actions with how thoroughly disgusted her goddess had been by her actions? How could anyone look at her with anything but scorn upon learning that she had pissed off the gods themselves? It being revealed would change everything. She knew it would.

Tom found himself being bore into by utterly terrified eyes. He��d only seen her look like this once, that very first night years ago. There were so many terrible sensations he remembered about that night. That terrifyingly bright light had faded, his body no longer being his body. A monster staring at him with Sonja’s petrified eyes.

It felt so much like back then, but there was a difference. Back then, he had understood her terror and been very much stuck in his own. In the current moment, though, he saw absolutely no reason that she should be scared.

“She won’t hate you,” He said with a quiet sureness. He knew that he was acting overly confident, but he also knew that Capsize wouldn’t hate Sonja. Not at the point they had now reached. Despite everything that should’ve prevented her from doing so, Capsize had managed to form a bound with Sonja. She didn’t seem the type to throw it away just because of the gods.

“How can you know that?” Sonja so desperately wanted to believe his words, but she just couldn’t. She couldn’t understand the glimmering confidence in his metallic eyes.

“Because really think,” He said. Hoping that she would go along with what he was going to say next. “If your roles were reserved, if she had been cursed like this and you were a regular person, would you have even gotten this far in your relationship with her?”

“She never would have—”

“That isn’t what I asked. Just try and picture it will you?” Tom quickly cut off any possible argument about the premise of the situation.

Sonja pouted slightly and though she still wasn’t entirely satisfied with the idea of picturing an impossible scenario, she did as Tom asked. She pictured as well as she could a world where she hadn’t been cursed, a world where she had never been a princess at all. She imagined a life that felt so comforting and simple, with Mot and Tom and Alyssa and normality. Then she reminded herself that was not the point of what Tom had asked her to do.

She imagined Tom going missing one day, the anxiety and terror that would cause. She imagined journeying through the woods to find him and coming across an abandoned castle. She imagined finding him dying and imprisoned by a horrifying Beast.

Everything about it made her squirm. Even just attempting to imagine Capsize in a form as twisted as hers felt wrong. It made it near impossible to actually picture because there couldn’t be a world where she had done anything to deserve such a curse. However, what she felt even worse about, was that she had no idea what she would’ve done at that point. She had no idea if she could’ve made the sacrifice that Capsize had made.

Could she have given up her freedom for Tom? She wanted to say that she would’ve done, that she wouldn’t have let Tom die in a cell, but it still left her throat feeling tight and herself feeling nauseous. How had Capsize made the decision? How had she agreed to be left at the mercy of a monster?

She knew that describing herself in such terms was less than ideal, but picturing that first meeting from another point of view, how could she use any other words? She was a monster.

And she understood what Tom was trying to say.

Tears threatened to spill. Tom worried that he may have gone too far. That was, until Sonja spoke again.

“You’re right. If she figures out that you’re all human, I’ll… I’ll tell her whatever parts of the truth that I can.”

It would be okay. She’d be strong enough to admit what she could about the curse. Whatever Capsize’s reaction might be, she was owed the truth if she figured out any part of it herself. Even if she couldn’t be told everything. Even if Sonja’s chest was tightening just thinking about what she would actually have to say.

“I know you will,” Tom said with a smile. Let it never be said that he’d lost faith in Sonja. If anything, he was currently gaining more as she was becoming more and more like the friend he remembered.

But frankly, this was becoming a bit too gooey and sentimental for his liking. They couldn’t focus on this all day when there was a clear injustice that needed to be set right. “But seriously, we have to make sure that Capsize celebrates the winter solstice this year. It’s a crime against Dianite that one of my friends hasn’t yet.”

🌹 🌹 🌹

A couple of days later, Capsize and Sonja sat together once again. The two often sat together like this, not quite next to each other, but far closer than either would deliberately choose to sit with anyone else. Inevitably, they would end up actually next to each other, Capsize leaning on Sonja’s arm as she relaxed or read. However, currently the Beast was sitting across from the woman. The two being just as warmed by each other’s company as they were by the lit fire in the room.

The current conversation flowing between the two was concretely about the upcoming holiday. It was such a normal thing to be discussing compared to what many of their conversations ended up being about. However, even without talking about magic or one of the other things that Sonja was clearly deeply fascinated by, Capsize still found herself as curious and invested as ever. It was still something new. How could she find it anything other than interesting?

“If I’m being fully honest, I don’t really remember the full story behind it,” Sonja admitted, knowing full well that Tom would have a fit if he got wind of that fact. She definitely had once known the full story about Dianite’s connection with the winter solstice. Even now she could hazily recall Mot telling her the story as they sat by a fire, a memory that felt warm and right, but she just couldn’t recall any of the words from it. “I think it’s about one of those old stories of Lord Dianite creating fire… Or the story of his first champion creating fire?”

She was nearly entirely guessing. She probably should’ve asked Mot, but she worried about his reaction. She was sure her memory being hazy was just from the amount of time that had passed, but she doubted that would quell his mind of the possibility that the curse had started to affect her ability to recall things. She didn’t want to put that stress on him when she had the vague idea of it all without asking.

Clearly, she didn’t need to know the full story anyway as Capsize still smiled at her. She was still just so interested.

“It being about the creation of fire feels right. The centrepiece of the town’s celebration was always a bonfire,” She said, that being one of the few things she did know about the town’s festival. It was big enough that they started building the previous day in the square, the mess of wood looking so out of place compared to well decorated tables and stalls being set up. She had been able to see it burning from her house.

“I thought you hadn’t celebrated before,” Sonja questioned, tilting her head slightly.

For the briefest moment, Capsize found herself staring at her, finding herself lost in her features. But as quickly as she had started staring, she caught herself and made herself actually concentrate on what had been asked of her.

“I haven’t. I just watched,” She admitted. She felt a hint of embarrassment about doing so.

Maybe it was silly, but she couldn’t help it. For all her complaints of loneliness, it had been her own choice to not interact with the town. Yes, the townsfolks had made her uncomfortable, and she wasn’t exactly friends with any of them, but it had been a celebration. She could have joined in.

Instead, she’d made her decision and ended up watching from the sidelines. And she didn’t exactly fully regret that decision. If she had gone to the festival, she was sure that Jordan would’ve just clung to her the whole time. She likely would’ve spent the night uncomfortable. But she would never know now.

“Really? You never struck me as the type to avoid doing… well, anything,” Sonja said. She found herself stuck wondering just how bad the town had been. Tom had always seemed fond of the place. Though maybe he had liked time away from the castle.

She had never been interested enough in the town to sneak out and go there after she had begun studying magic. Though she did remember a time when she had been. When she had been young, young enough that she hadn’t yet begun studying magic and her memories were only just clear enough to actually be remembered, she had remembered being so curious about the place that Tom always got to go to. About the festivals and the people that he told her about.

She had never actually gotten to go. She had tried sneaking there, but she had always ended up caught by Mot and returned home. There had been talks of a supervised visit, but she hadn’t been interested in that, she had wanted the freedom that Tom was allowed. It was odd to see somewhere that she had once been so curious about was the source of much of Capsize’s unhappiness.

Capsize was so curious and interested in learning and trying things. If she had been scared off trying something, then clearly the place was far worse than she was attempting to let on.

“You’re right. I wouldn’t typically. I… I had pretty much made up my mind about not having an interest by my second year in the town, but the first year I was mostly avoiding going out of cowardice,” Capsize admitted. She wasn’t entirely sure that that was the word she was actually looking for. She certainly hadn’t been scared. But she had no idea what the right word would be given how she had felt.

“Coward is the last word I’d ever use to describe you,” Sonja said, honestly perplexed that Capsize had. Sometimes she felt as if she just truly didn’t understand Capsize. She brought such a brilliant warmth to the world. She had told Sonja not to talk badly about herself, but it seemed that she didn’t take her own advice. “I definitely wouldn’t call anyone a coward for not wanting to be around people who treat them unkindly.”

“Well, I mean…” Capsize hesitated, having no real idea of what to say. She knew logically that Sonja was correct, but she still couldn’t help but feel shameful about the whole situation. She still struggled with whether those in the town had been right about her. A town full of people acting like she was strange had managed to worm its way into her head.

However, that wasn’t the reason she had avoided the celebration that first year. Sure, she hadn’t exactly been keen to spend an extended amount of time with any of them, but she knew it would’ve been a manageable experience with Red. It had just been the excuse that she used. “They were never exactly welcoming, you’re right. But they weren’t the reason that I avoided the festival. Not the first time, anyway.”

She went quiet, contemplating how much she wanted to share. The true reasons were tied with private worries. Worries that she hadn’t even shared with Red due to just how vulnerable they left her feeling. Even now just barely alluding to them, her mouth felt dry.

She began to spin her cane between her hands, trying to focus on the movement rather than the illogical thoughts threatening to overtake her. She didn’t understand why she was so scared of talking about this. It felt so stupid, she was never this scared of anything. But she’d also never had anything that made her feel quite this lost.

Sonja had no idea if she should say something. All she could focus on were her downcast eyes. She saw this look appear on her so often when talking about the town. She hated seeing it so much. But what could she really say? It wouldn’t be right of her to push her, not when there were so many secrets that she was keeping. Still, she found herself lost on how to offer comfort when she didn’t know what was causing her upset in the first place.

“I… I was trying to keep myself faithful,” Capsize admitted in such a quiet tone. She was so tired of trying to keep it all to herself. All the resentment and exhaustion, all the negative feelings she had had in the town, in the end they all lead back to Ianite. To her faith in and friendship with her goddess, and the silence they now existed between them.

She had always been trying to keep her grasp on it as if it would keep her afloat. To her faith and their relationship and the balance. Before it had been so easy and natural. Like the flow of water, it was just something she was meant to do. Then her injury and the move to the town. Suddenly she was drowning and nothing was helping her float.

It had just been hurting for so long now. She was tired of keeping it all to herself. “I’d never felt so separated from Ianite before. It felt like a test of faith so the idea of celebrating the holidays of the other gods just…”

She sighed, continuing to spin her cane as she tried so hard to just focus on the movement. Already she could feel the rising nerves and familiar internal questioning. She couldn’t bring herself to look up, dreading the expression that Sonja might be wearing. But not looking at her, meant she was instead stuck with her own thoughts, and they were less than pleasant.

She realised that she had begun to fear when she’d hear Ianite’s voice again, which felt ridiculous. She’d been carving any whisper for months. It wasn’t as if her want for answers had gone away either. But she realised she was afraid of what Ianite would say about her current situation. Because if she tried to explain it at all, she was beyond sure that her goddess would panic.

Even with her position as her messenger, she had not heard Ianite in distress all that often. She supposed there just wasn’t all that much to bother her in times of peace as the world found itself in. Though she did have two distinct memories of when Ianite had seemed truly panicked.

The first had been when she was a teenager. A winter night that otherwise had been nothing special. Ianite had been so upset about something that she had said she ‘didn’t want to burden her with the knowledge of’. In fact, even now Capsize didn’t know what had caused her to be so upset, she just remembered that she had been, how unexpected it had been. She’d ended up just talking with her until the early hours of the morning to distract the goddess per her request.

However, the other she had heard Ianite distressed, well she’d never forget it. How could Capsize forget her reaction to her injury? It was something she thought back to so often, trying to figure out if there were any answers there that she had missed. However, it was the reason now that she feared her suddenly restarting contact.

What would be her reaction if she found out she was technically a prisoner?

“That’s understandable. Lady Ianite is important to you,” Sonja said, trying to ignore the way her chest tightened as she said those words. She didn’t need to be scared. The curse wasn’t going to be revealed by merely mentioning the goddess.

She had to push through. Despite her own feelings towards the goddess, and the goddess’ feelings towards her, Sonja did want to learn about Capsize’s faith. Obviously, she was still beyond angry at Lady Ianite. Even if the curse broke at this very moment, that anger was not going to fade anytime soon, but the idea of disliking her followers for it now just left her with a sickly guilt.

“That’s putting it mildly,” Capsize said, half-sighing due to how one sided that currently felt. Ianite was so important to her, and she doubted there would ever be a time that she wasn’t. But she was just so tired. She truly wished that she could say that her tiredness was relatively new, that it was linked to her time in the town. But when such an exhaustion set in, it started to become hard to remember when exactly it had started. “I mean, it was always so important growing up. I’d never met anyone who didn’t follow her when I was a kid.”

“Suppose there wouldn’t be too many people following other gods on Ianerea,” Sonja laughed, gaining a genuine one in return from Capsize. To hear the beautiful sound was such a relief. Hearing Capsize talk of her life was always interesting to Sonja, she’d hate if the majority of it was painful memories. She doubted that was true though. After all, whenever Capsize spoke of her home prior to the town, she always seemed so alive.

Whenever she spoke of Ianerea or her travels as a merchant, there was always a joyful look in her eyes. Sonja desperately wished that Capsize could remain smiling like that forever.

“Yeah, hardly a soul doesn’t. Most of those who don’t follow her just don’t follow any gods,” Capsize said, trying to avoid getting lost reminiscing. It felt silly to do so when she could never go back. But she couldn’t actually stop herself.

Maybe she just longed for when things were simpler, when she had been a kid and had a community. Back when people hadn’t treated her as strange for wanting to see the world. Gods, she missed it so much.

But rather than going back there, she had ended up in a place where the only Ianitee present other than herself and her brother knew absolutely nothing of the culture or frankly the religion at all. It had been so impossibly alienating, somehow more so than those who acted as though Ianite needn’t exist in the first place. Was it surprising that she longed for Ianerea so much? “I miss it. Not the fact that everyone followed Ianite but having that sense of community.”

“Of course you miss it. It’s your home,” Sonja felt the rising guilt. Always that horrible guilt that she was keeping Capsize from having a normal life. Strangely enough though, Capsize didn’t look nearly as sad anymore.

“You’re definitely right. Though, strangely enough, when I think of home, Ianerea isn’t the place that I actually picture,” Capsize said with a laugh as she realised the odd juxtaposition in her thoughts. She absolutely missed Ianerea, and if actually asked for a physical location that was her home, that’s where she’d say. When she actually thought of home though, it was never what actually came to mind.

“Where then?”

“The ocean,” Capsize replied, her smile wider than ever.

Sonja found it infectious. How could it be anything but with how those brown eyes sparkled? Who could see such a smile and not want to match it? “Whenever I was sailing, that’s when I felt the most like myself. Home is the ocean, just my ship and the waves and the endless horizon.”

“You have a ship?” Sonja couldn’t quite put her finger on why she asked that question. She knew that Capsize had been the captain of a merchant ship, it didn’t seem out of the question that she had owned the ship that she sailed. In fact, it was incredibly easy to picture given how she held herself, but the question had still come to her so quickly. Maybe it was because of just how she smiled when talking about it.

“I had one. I could tell you every last detail of that old thing,” She laughed. She could close her eyes and still see it. That ship that she had worked so hard to be able to purchase and then fix up. That ship that she had absolutely loved. Though, of course, she knew it’d look different now, if it even still existed. Gods, she hoped it still existed. “It’s not mine anymore. I had to sell it when… Well, when I was first injured I… I wasn’t going to be able to keep sailing. So, I needed money to be able to settle somewhere and recover.”

“Oh, that’s—”

“Devastating. It was devastating,” Capsize said struggling to keep her voice steady as she felt entirely hollow. Having to sell the ship had just made everything about being injured worse. The only good thing was that she hadn’t had to sell to a stranger. But as much as she tried to take solace in the fact that it had ended up in the hands of Rupert and that he likely would’ve at least tried to fix the damage that had been done to it, it just didn’t take away any of the upset. Maybe if she wasn’t so far from the ocean, she’d be able to feel differently…

Either way, it wasn’t Sonja’s issue. It was in no way her fault that she could no longer see the ocean. That was a true fact long before she came to the castle. Now she just… didn’t even have the hope…

Gods, she needed to drag this conversation back to something that didn’t make her want to cry. “So, what do you normally do to celebrate the solstice? A bonfire? A feast?”

“A bonfire yes, though probably not as big as the one they have in the town. There’s so few of us here so such a private affair doesn’t need all that large a fire,” Sonja said, trying to sound a little more unsure than she actually was. Tom had told her distinctly when they were kids that the town’s bonfire was bigger always in a seeming attempt to persuade Mot that they needed a larger one for their celebration.

But of course, that wasn’t her main focus. It couldn’t be. Not when the topic switch was so utterly jarring.

And maybe, Sonja thought, it was entirely fair for Capsize to do this. She’d certainly been subjected to more than enough sudden topic changes here in the castle due to the things they couldn’t talk about without risk of revealing the curse. She was more than owed one of her own if there was a topic that she wanted to avoid.

So, she should just keep talking as if she hadn’t noticed the obvious switch. “Mot used to tell the story of how the night came to be, though I imagine Tom will insist on telling it this year with how excited he is about you celebrating for the first time.”

Capsize laughed. Sonja tried to just focus on that.

“Gift giving is a big part of it too. Handmade is traditional.”

She tried desperately to keep her thoughts on the solstice and away from the rattling question. She should just focus on how Capsize was smiling. Why go back to a topic that had clearly brought her sadness when she now seemed happy? What good would it do? Unfortunately, her mind just wouldn’t let it go.

“Why didn’t you return to Ianerea after your injury?” Sonja asked. Immediately she regretted doing so as hurt flared in Capsize’s eyes. Just for the briefest moment, but it was more than enough for the shame to blossom. “I’m sorry, I— We don’t need to talk about it if you’re not comfortable. I shouldn’t have asked.”

“No, I…” Capsize swallowed. She would be lying if she said she had a particular desire to talk about it. It would make everything more confusing. It always did. Nothing good had ever come from people knowing her title.

But she trusted Sonja. She trusted her enough to genuinely believe that she wouldn’t treat her differently upon learning it. Still though, it wasn’t exactly something she could just say. Not if she actually wanted to be taken seriously, anyway. “I don’t mind telling you the reason why, but it’s going to sound… Just hear me out, okay.”

“Of course, Capsize,” Sonja replied softly. She felt her chest tightening at the hint of fear present in her words. It was not the terror that she had previously seen, the terror that she had inflicted. This was something else entirely. Something that she could only describe as wrong.

Capsize looked away from Sonja’s eyes, not wanting to be able to see her emotions as she said what she was about to.

“I’m Lady Ianite’s messenger. When I was injured, she asked me to move to the town,” Her words were quietly spoken, but they were than loud enough to make Sonja freeze. She prayed that her internal reaction did not show on her face, that her jaws didn’t twist into a snarl on instinct. Every thought in her head was screaming that this confirmed her worst anxieties of her only hope just being another joke sent to her by the goddess. But she did not listen to them.

She forced her anger down. She did not allow herself to pounce with her worst assumptions as she had previously. She was not a mindless Beast. She couldn’t allow herself to act like one. That and… and she trusted Capsize. She could not believe that their friendship was all a farce. Such a thought was beyond ridiculous and more than enough to fully quash down her thoughts initially triggered by the confession. And she could actually take in the way that the woman who had confessed looked. Because she looked like hell.

Capsize said with her head bowed, both hands gripping her cane with white knuckles. Her breathing made it clear that she was attempting to hold back her own reaction, be it fear or tears. And suddenly Sonja found herself frozen for a completely different reason.

“I trusted her. I’d known her for so long that she felt more like a friend than a goddess. And she was so concerned about my injury, I really thought she was recommending what she thought was best for me. So, I moved to that town, Red coming with me, and… And I still have no idea why she sent me there of all places.”

“She never gave you a reason?” Sonja found herself asking almost without thinking. She couldn’t focus on much besides how Capsize’s voice was wavering. But still, could it be?

“She originally told me that it’d be a safe place for me to recover, but the more I thought about it, the less sense that made,” She admitted, trying her best to not sound resentful. She didn’t want to imply that she held ill will towards her goddess. That still felt wrong of her to do. However, it was more of a struggle the more that she tried. Continuing trying to reason and justify when she had been left with nothing was just so exhausting. “The last time I spoke with her, I asked for an actual answer. And she just said that the reason would become clear. That’s all I’ve got.”

Those words struck Sonja like a rock. Had Lady Ianite actually sent her to the town to come here and—?

No.

Immediately she shoved that thought away. There was no way that the goddess had intended for Capsize to come here. It wasn’t even her who found the castle, it was her brother, and he’d arrived by sheer happenstance. Capsize had only come because she was looking for him.

Was it a weird coincidence? Yes, it was one that Sonja’s worst thoughts were clinging to. Each one of them was telling her that clearly the goddess had sent her here as a terrible trap to bring up her hopes before smashing them. But such thoughts required her looking at Capsize and seeing a trick. It required her looking at her friend’s clear distress and believing that she was lying about it.

Whatever Lady Ianite’s plans had been, they clearly had nothing to do with her. And if they somehow did, then Capsize had no knowledge of that fact.

All Sonja knew was this was yet another strike against the goddess that had stolen her life from her. She had hurt someone else. Every ember of anger she felt towards her was reigniting and threatening to consume her, but she couldn’t let it. Right now, wasn’t the time for anger.

Her friend needed reassurance. That was far more important.

“Maybe I should use gentler words, lest the gods strike me, but she sounds cruel,” Sonja said, actually almost welcoming a reappearance from the goddess. There were so many things that she wanted to say to her at this moment. Even without her presence, so many viler words than the one she had used were clawing to escape her. How dare she hurt another person. How dare she hurt someone who actually trusted her.

However, saying any of them now, to even let out any of her own rage towards the goddess not born from this situation, it would just muddy the waters. Her own issues were not important currently. “If she was your friend, if she was going to send you to a town that clearly treated you awfully, the least she should have given you was an explanation.”

“That’s… That’s all I wanted,” Capsize found herself wanting to weep. All she had wanted was a real explanation. The fact that she didn’t have one had been eating away at her. Worse, the fact that she wanted one so desperately had left her feeling so selfish for doubting that Ianite had her best interests at heart. To hear someone say so plainly that she deserved one, it was like two years of build of self-doubt had shattered in an instant.

She wanted to weep, and though she didn’t quite start, tears did start to well. They were good tears, she was sure, but just as her relief was the removal of a great weight, it was also painful and overwhelming.

Sonja saw the building tears, and immediately stood. She took steps towards her on instinct, before her thoughts caught up and she suddenly felt far too large and in the way before someone who suddenly seemed so small. And there was a moment where Sonja considered stepping away.

Then there was a clatter.

Capsize’s cane fell from the iron grasp that she had had on it for nearly the whole conversation, as she instead took a hold of Sonja’s paw. She looked up at her, and didn’t need to say what her eyes were already begging.

Sonja stayed with her.

Though eventually the conversation would once again return to the far lighter topic of the upcoming holiday, the knowledge that Sonja had gained never fully left her thoughts. How, she wondered with such bitterness, had the goddess deemed fit to judge her heartless when she all but abandoned someone who called her friend.

[chaotic-multi-fandom]

Holden Caulfield

So, I just finished “The Catcher in the Rye”, and it was very different from what I expected. This book has a reputation of being somewhat extreme, and making teenagers more angry, depressed or even violent because of its main character Holden. However, now that I’ve read it, I fail to see why. I can understand why at the time of its publication Holden’s internal monologue could’ve been seen as alarming, specially to adults, but not as much in the present time, and definitely not as extreme as it said to be. He’s also constantly called annoying, pretentious and an asshole, which he sometimes is, but once again, In my opinion, not to the extreme people present him as. I didn’t mind being inside of his head the entire novel, nor did I ever find him as insufferable as most people seem to, and definitely not a monster, if anything I had a lot of empathy and understanding towards him. 

To me, Holden simply came off as a lost 17 year old boy, grappling with grief, identity, and having lost his innocence at a very young age. He’s clearly suffering from depression, and is generally angry and disillusioned with the world, however given his implied experiences it’s only natural, even just the death of his brother prior to the events of the book cold easily explain his behaviour, however there’s definitely other elements, which choses not to reveal, that have contributed to his current state. 

To me, Holden never came off as extreme or violent, at least not enough to be sent to a psych ward or o incite the alarmed response people seem to have to his character. In fact, despite seemingly being done with the world, and not caring about anything anymore, Holden seems to have this constant thrive and need of protecting the world. Despite all of his utterly depressed, frustrated, and negative inner monologue, he’s constantly through out the novel, carrying out these little acts of kindness towards children. He helps two boys find a section of the museum, and explains to them what everything means, he helps a girl tie up her skates at the roller rink, and rubs off nasty messages left at schools so that the children don’t read them, and most notably he does anything and everything for his younger sister Phoebe.

Most of the time, he’s left in awe of the world when he interacts with these children, specially with Phoebe, it’s the only moments were he even says he feels happy. He seems to be impressed by children’s minds, and has this urge to protect and help them every time he encounters one, going to great lengths (such as buying a limited expensive album for his sister) in order to make their days better. Then, he hears a child sing the song that brings the name of the novel “the catcher in the rye”, he sings about a body catching another body in the rye,. When later in the novel he wonders about he’d want to do in the future, the song is the only thing that comes to mind. He imagines that he’s in that field, where children are playing near a cliff, and he’s the one that catches them and leads them away from the cliff, he’s the catcher in the rye. To him, this means saving children from losing their innocence as young as he did. It’s the only thing he can imagine himself doing. 

This truly shows that Holden, is in no way some disturbed violent mind, he’s just a 17 year old child, who lost his innocence at a very young age due to traumatic experiences which he’s only now processing, he’s also going through the grief of his brother’s death, which his parents don’t help with, his mother also suffering from depression, and his father always being away as a big shot lawyer. He’s disillusioned with the world and humanity, because most of his life experiences, and contacts with older role models have been very negative, including the one with his older brother whom he once had a good relationship with, but is now a shame to the family due to his work as a prostitute. He’s desperate for the children around him not to suffer the same fate. 

While he may seem utterly disgusted and done with the world, I think that he actually holds a lot of hope in his heart for his sister Phoebe and all the children he meets. Holden’s problem isn’t that he has no hope left, it’s that he has too much of it no matter how hard he tries to repress it. He holds a hope so great for the world, that he can’t help but stay despite his suicidal thoughts. Holden, fantasises about ending his life several times throughout the novel, but then, as soon as he’s even close to getting sick with a cold for example, he becomes extremely anxious, scared and even obsessive, thinking that he’s going to die, which he desperately doesn’t want to do. Even when he is attacked with those suicidal thoughts, which never last long, he’s always immediately reminded of Phoebe, and realises he couldn’t bare her going through grief. 

Holden desperately wants to stay in this world, and he’s constantly looking for reasons to do so, he’s in awe of the purity and innocence of children, and wishes the world would be kinder and better for them. Holden is lonely angry and depressed, which can result in him acting violently in instances, but essentially, he’s desperately trying to improve the world around him, and repeatedly not giving up on it. As he puts it, he never hates anything for long.

Well, this had been my small Holden rant, however do be aware that, I'm writing this approximately 30 minutes after finishing the book, so my ideas aren't completely settled, and given that I haven't looked AT ALL into actual analysis of the novel, I may be way off, and made a fool of myself but oh well. At the end of the day they're almost no wrong answers when it comes to interpretation, and this is how I personally perceived Holden Caulfield.

[trippin-over-my-fandoms]

The Unbearable Tragedy of Getting What You Want

or "We Only See Each Other at Weddings and Funerals" or that really evil spacegravity fic idea i had to explain why Sloane wasn't in season 4. Caution, its painful.

Full story here on ao3 and below the cut

HEAVY TRIGGER WARNING FOR CHILD LOSS AND MAJOR CHARACTER DEATH

“Sloane?!” He had shouted for her desperately, looking among the bushes that brought his own name back to him, small and fearful and in a pitch that made his heart skip more than a few beats.

“Luther?!” She cried, “I’m here! Luther, I’m here!” Luther followed the sound down the dirt path. A particularly sharp corner in the path led him to a clearing amongst the shrubbery of the memorial. There she stood, in front on a lone stone bench, tear streaks glistening in the dim moonlight as she whipped her head around in search of him. “Sloane,” Her name came in a sigh of relief from his chest. The moment she saw him they ran toward one another, violently colliding in an embrace, one where Luther had been glad to be without his power or else he surely would have killed her with as tightly as he held on.

Sloane began to sob against him as she clutched him tightly, “You’re okay, you’re okay, you’re alive” she wailed, hiccuping between the cries of her mantra, pulling him closer as if he might disappear from her again. Briefly she wondered about the state of others, that deep loneliness of getting out of that elevator alone and the fear of being stranded ebbing away with each solid beat of her husband’s heart, surely the rest of his family were okay as well.

Luther gently ran his hand over her hair and buried his face in her scalp. He breathed her in and tried to focus on the cold night air seeping into his thin shirt, listening to her shaky breath and the distant evening traffic, attempting to put himself at ease to be her rock. It was no use, however, his attempt had been futile as his own tears began to fall. Luther hugged Sloane tighter and allowed a sob of his own to slip. “I am, I’m here,” He whispered against her head, his eyes shut tight to prevent the dream from leaving him.

But it wasn’t a dream. Klaus’ footsteps as he skidded to a rough halt in the fine gravel reminded Luther of that very fact. Sloane shifts in Luther’s hold to look at their guest. “He’s okay,” comes a choked laugh followed by a sniffle she rubs away with the end of her sleeve. Luther opened his eyes to a grin plastered on his brother’s face.

“I think, for once in a million timelines, everything is okay, sister,” Klaus chuckled. He deeply understood the couple’s tearful reunion with the gooseflesh that crept all over his skin from the utterly clean feeling of no ghastly voices in his damned head. His acknowledgement of Sloane as their family brought Luther a strong feeling of hope for their future. He truly believed that everything would, in fact, be okay. They were finally done running. They were finally done with saving the world. Perhaps the most important finales of them all- they were finally done with losing one another.

If only that had been true.

Luther had been overcome with emotions the day that Sloane told him she was pregnant. While he had been excited, elated that he would have the opportunity to be a father, Luther had also been incredibly terrified by the fact that soon enough they would have someone who relied entirely on them for its survival. Worst of all, they didn’t even have a proper home. It hadn’t been more than a couple of weeks after arriving in the newest timeline when they made the discovery they’d be parents. Until then it had been easy for them, living the dream of renovating the old umbrella-sparrow mansion to its former glory. Now the pair felt the strain of having not even half of a roof over them. Beforehand it hadn’t mattered, they would suffer the elements and rotting floorboards like it was nothing. Now the restoration called for haste.

“We ought to start small,” Sloane pointed out, calming Luther who felt as if the entire house should be perfect in the eight to nine month deadline, “We need to focus on the part of the house with the most of its four walls, don’t you think?”

Luther had nodded and agreed but that hadn’t stopped him in his scatter-brained way of trying to fix everything all at once. But the basement kitchen had proven a well enough home with its sturdy brick walls and hardy timber that supported the massive house above. Even if it had taken some convincing to Sloane that it wouldn’t collapse on them one day, they had managed to fashion it into a proper home. They filled the space with trinkets and furniture they found second hand and gently used decor gifted from Allison whenever she changed her own scenery with the season. She had even purchased them the intricately carved bassinet from France that sat patiently off to one side. And the new couch she claimed was one she had been unhappy with after she ordered it. Sloane knew well enough that her sister-in-law had bought the thing just for them as she had the bassinet. Allison had been alienated from the rest of the family after the events at the hotel and her constant showering of gifts had been a result of Luther and Sloane being the only two to even speak to her. While it may not have been more than a phone call or two it still had meant the world to the superstar.

But now that bassinet and couch collected dust along with everything else Luther left in that basement home.

“It’s been long enough now, I think we could find out whether it’ll be a boy or girl,” Sloane mused as she lay on the couch, her feet propped up on Luther’s lap at the other end where he thoroughly massaged them. She could hardly see him over her growing bump if her head hadn’t been propped up on a pillow. Luther only shook his head, “I dunno, I think I still would want to wait, I’m sorry.”

Sloane scoffed and made a playful act as if she were going to kick him, “Don’t be, you have every bit of say in this as I do. Which reminds me, did you ever decide on your names?” They had chosen to each pick a boy and a girl’s name while they waited on their child. Both Sloane and Luther had found the name to be the hardest part, even over all the sickness and Sloane’s cravings as well as Luther’s sympathy pains.

“Remind me of yours again before I say anything, just in case…” Luther chuckled, afraid of forgetting her choices and having settled for a duplicate by accident. There was no harm if he had done just that but he wanted to present a secondary option.

Sloane smiled as she traced her fingers over her stomach, “Alessandria or Roman, though there’s room for improvement, hence why I’ve asked,” She had been inspired by her travel guide when trying to come up with her names yet none of them stuck out to her. She needed his help desperately.

“Those are both good! Beautiful even,” he recognized them for being Italian, reminding him of a trip he still owed to her.

“But are they good enough for our baby? I mean, they don’t sound like something we’d name a pet?” Sloane hid her face with her hands and slumped down her pillow, “Just let me hear your’s, please Luther I’m sure they’re much better!’

Luther replaced where her hand had been on her bump with his own, fearful of his fingers being too cold as he felt her flinch ever so slightly. “I was thinking,” he started slowly, “Orion or Cassiopeia.” Luther hesitated, briefly drawing his hand away only for Sloane to quickly grip his wrist and ease him back to her. “After the constellations of course,” he smiled almost meekly at her as her face lit up.

“Luther!” she shrieks, “Those are even more beautiful! Oh, Orion would be perfect!” Sloane hummed as she held his hand against her bump, “I think we have a winner.”

“You really think so?” brief visions danced across Luther’s imagination conjuring up what the nursery may soon look like. They contained glow in the dark star stickers and a mural painted wall the pair of them could do together. His stomach flipped with nerves for the millionth time since finding out he’d be a father. He was sure he’d never get used to that feeling.

Sloane nodded with a dreamy sigh, “I can’t wait to meet our baby,” she hummed as she looked at the patiently empty bassinet tucked neatly into the corner of the room. The anticipation felt so similar to when they had waited on the end of the world yet filled with promise of joyful new beginnings. “It won’t be much longer now.”

That day had come sooner than either of them had been prepared for.

It had been like a light switch. In a matter of moments Sloane had gone from full of energy and anticipation to pale and fatigued. They had just barely reached the eight month mark when her disposition suddenly changed. Night after night it seemed that Luther would be consoling her to sleep as she stayed fearfully awake. Both of them had blamed it on nerves but Luther forever wished he had heeded those early warning signs sooner.

Luther’s hands trembled when he helped her to her unsteady feet after being crumpled against the toilet vomiting blood. She had lost her footing soon after standing, doubling over in pain and wrapping her free arm over her stomach. Luther picked her up in his strong arms and whispered reassurances to her, hurriedly carrying his wife to their beat up car. Neither of them had really believed in any god but Luther prayed to any that might hear his pleas that she’d be okay.

The doctors didn’t have time to tell him much, not that he really understood any of it. He dutifully held her hand tight and smoothed her sweaty hair to aid Sloane through her pain. She cried and screamed as her labor was induced and Luther had never felt more helpless than when she looked to him to save her. He wished for nothing more than to hold her in his arms and take her away from it all.

The room fell eerily silent in seconds save for the whispers of the medical staff and the intense beeping of the machines they had her hooked up to. Having had indestructible skin Luther had taken much painful damage through his whole life from bullets to avalanches and explosions but none of it could have prepared him for when they handed his lifeless son over to them.

Sloane had lost nearly all her energy to grieve for their child, barely able to reach out a hand to stroke a finger over his cheek. Luther wanted to cry but nothing came forth. He felt everything yet nothing all at once.

A rush stole anything he might have felt away in mere seconds when the machines began to scream wildly, the doctors taking their child, and ushering him out of the way. He got only a brief glance at her fainted expression before he was sent out the door.

The wait in the hall felt like years inside Klaus’ purgatory, not dead but not alive either. It was all too soon when a doctor came to him and kneeled before where he sat, an apologetic and sympathy ridden expression, his lips moved but Luther heard nothing.

Oh, how he had wished the world would crumble into ruins and take him with it. His own breath was gone from his lungs when he saw her laying there lifeless, her arms neatly placed close to her chest holding their son. They almost looked as if they were still alive just peacefully sleeping. Luther fell to the floor in his grief by her bedside and sobbed, clutching the rough and scratchy blanket draped over her waist.

Why did this timeline have to be their final one? Why couldn’t they have their powers to fix everything wrong that might befall them? He wanted to die right along with them.

He felt pathetic letting Diego take care of all the funeral arrangements but Luther didn’t have it in him. He supposed his brother felt guilty as Lila had just had their daughter and a proper wedding for them was on the horizon. Luther didn’t hold it against them, he was glad for them if anything, somehow he had just been the unlucky one.

It was the inscription on the headstone that truly did him in, however.

“The sky gained two new stars this day- Sloane and Orion Hargreeves- may they forever shine”

Luther took very little from their home downstairs, he couldn’t bear to look at what had been their life together, full of hopes and dreams that would never come to fruition. Still, he couldn’t bring himself to abandon them all together. So while the bassinet and her coffee mug where she left it on the table and the travel books and everything else gathered dust in the space, Luther continued to work diligently on the mansion. It was the only thing that kept him going. He paid careful attention to each window pane and sconce that he brought back, thinking of her with each item, how proud she might be that at least he still went on with living.

Yet little by little and day by day, Luther became a simple shell of the man he had once become. It had been Sloane after all that brought him the peace he so badly needed when he had spent much of his life hating his grotesqueness. He couldn’t even look at his new body without hating it. If he couldn’t love it maybe someone else could, and he had to make money in some sort of way. Somehow the demeaning act of parading himself around made him feel… something.

And Luther never stopped secretly wishing that it would all just be over.

[pencil-peach]

Thinking about Guel Jeturk (Pt 1)

He is such a cool character. He's such a genuine piece of shit and at the start of the show I really thought, even if he did change, that I wouldn't like him, but by the time the show ended I genuinely wanted for his happiness as much as every other character.

So I just wanna talk about him I guess

Cringe analysis under the cut awooo awooOOoooOooo

I think it's important that Guel starts off the show as just an actual shithead. He's just the misogynist bully archetype at its core and he treats Miorine like property and everyone else like they're beneath him, but it's also important to understand the context of that behavior too.

Guel has basically everything. Money, Prestige, Power, Respect. Everything has essentially been handed to him on a silver platter, and as long as he continues to win duels (the only thing he is actually, GENUINELY good at) that won't change. And with that comes an insane amount of pride and arrogance. He expects things to go his way because, for basically his entire life, that's just how things have always been. In the business world that he's been surrounded by, the strong always win out over the weak.

But with Suletta, all of the pride and respect that comes with his title and status is utterly and completely meaningless to her.

And he tries his classic shtick of listing out all of his titles on her, because in the world he lives in, that alone is what makes him worthy of either fear or respect.

But it doesn't work on Suletta, because the world of the Benerit Group is not the real world, the one she lives in. She repeatedly looks past all of his flashy titles and admonishes and judges him for his BEHAVIOR, the true merit of his character.

When she agrees to duel him, Guel sees it as putting an ignorant girl in her place. And why would he believe otherwise? He's always been on top at Asticassia, and this is no different. Dueling is the one thing that he KNOWS he's good at. It's the one skill that is definably his, that he truly earned through his own hard work. It's why he get so upset and defensive when Suletta looks down on him.

But the important thing here is that he LOSES to Suletta. BADLY.

And the lesson Guel is forced to learn from this loss is that every single thing he latched onto in his life, everything that he decided makes him worthy of respect and admiration, is not only immaterial, but, more importantly, conditional.

His pride and status, his role as heir of the Jeturk Company, and, most damning of all, his father's love, was based entirely on whether or not he was the current Holder at Asticassia.

Because he lost one duel, (the FIRST duel he had ever lost, mind you) a duel to a Gundam that, based on what we know, was quite literally unwinnable, Guel's father slaps him across the face and yells at him.

Before the rematch, when Guel is told that the Darilbalde is piloted by an AI, his father slaps him across the face AGAIN and tells him straight up that his feelings do not matter if he's not the Holder.

Which is why the scene where Suletta defends him from Secelia's taunts and explains her motto is so important

Everyone in Guel's life at this point, even his own father, looks down upon and mocks him for losing the duel. But Suletta isn't. She just tells him that even though he lost, he still deserves praise for not running away.

This is probably the first time in his life anyone has ever just told him that. That it's okay that he lost. That it's enough that he just tried.

Quick aside, but this moment here, when Suletta is talking about how much her mother means to her, and Guel holds his hand up to the cheek his father slaps him across hasn't, and will probably never, leave my brain.

But Suletta's words don't reflect Guel's reality. And the fact that he lost means even more is being taken from him, including his ability to even duel.

During the rematch, the Darilbalde doesn't even respond to his input. He, like Miorine, is having all of his decisions made for him, because without the title of holder, he's utterly powerless.

And the truly tragic thing here is that, once Guel smashes the AI and begins fighting on his own, he starts doing much better than when the AI was fighting and his father was cheating for him. He was genuinely a match for Permet 1 Aerial. But it's too late.

Maybe this is just me, but I always got the impression that if Guel was able to fight this battle on his own from the start, it would have been much more even, and he might have even won. But he didn't. He lost, again. And because of this, things are going to get much worse for him, really damn fast.

[imposterogers]

also idk how they can compare what steve did to ‘moving out of the country’ lmao yeah no it’s a bit more than that. plus he went back in time to a time where bucky was being tortured and brainwashed by hydra, and he was fully aware of this fact and yet he was comfortable just.. doing nothing about it??? that’s NOT the steve we’ve learned to know and love, the one who moved heaven and hell to protect bucky. like this is not even about stucky, it’s about basic steve characterization and how it was all thrown out the window for… that

I think I'm so mean to endgame steve because I truly don't see him as steve rogers. because steve rogers, the one that we watched grow for ten years, would not have even considered for a moment what endgame!steve did

the writers threw all characterization out of the window. because what had been established about his character? what did we know about steve rogers? we knew that since the day he was old enough to walk, he was getting in fights. he was a chronically ill small boy who was bullied relentlessly. he came home bloody more days than not, and his single mother cradled his face and told him that he always stood up. that sarah rogers was his moral compass. we knew that bucky barnes stood up for him when they were six years old, and they'd been inseparable ever since. that steve couldn't just follow orders blindly. that he'd always protect the people that couldn't/wouldn't stand up for themselves. that if he was the only one against 100, he didn't care as long as he was on the side he thought was right. the core of steve rogers is that there will ALWAYS be another battle. it might not be with his fists, and it might not be a physical fight, but there's always going to be someone in need, and he was always going to be that little guy from brooklyn who was too stupid to walk away from a fight. he loved his friends because they were his family, and he would NEVER leave them behind. steve was a man out of time, but he'd made the 21st century his present.

endgame steve spent five years in a post-apocalyptic society in the basement mourning a woman who died of old age. who told him, blatantly, that she'd had her life and it was time for him to move on.

and the ending the writers concocted was so utterly untrue to the character (not to mention they said he wouldn't change history). he wouldn't live in an alternate timeline with alternate versions of people he knew when his friends were suffering his loss. he wouldn't sit back and relax while hydra infiltrated shield. while bucky was tortured. while the civil rights movement went on around him. he wouldn't have been there at all.

we all wanted steve rogers to have a happy ending. hasn't he paid enough? doesn't he deserve to be selfish? sure. but steve rogers isn't selfish. steve rogers has been bone tired since the day he was born, but his job on this earth wasn't done. not until he stopped breathing

passing the shield was the right decision. steve rogers' time as its owner was up. but that was the only right decision he made in that film.

[extraordinarilyextreme]

low君's Recap of MLCB

第七名：《莲花楼》！ In seventh place, Mysterious Lotus Casebook! 李莲花长命百岁。 May Li Lianhua live a long life [to be a hundred years old].

《莲花楼》剧里剧外高度一致。它只播了十八天，和李莲花的寿命一样短。它也和李莲花一样好，到现在还让莲络人们久久难忘！播完了反而引发长尾效应：爱奇艺热度破万、豆瓣58万人打出8.5的高分、主角配角纷纷破圈、产出各种莲学热梗。 Mysterious Lotus Casebook was consistent both within and outside the drama. It broadcasted for only 18 days, a length as short as Li Lianhua’s lifespan. It is also as good as Li Lianhua, even now still not leaving lianluoren’s memory for a long time! In fact, its impact has continued to last even after the end of its broadcast: its iQiyi heat broke ten thousand; on Douban, it received a high score of 8.5 from 580,000 ratings; main and supporting roles gained fame [beyond fan circles] one after another; and it created all sorts of popular “lian-style” punchlines. 一字诗：绝！ To summarize in a one-word poem: excellent!

作为一部悬疑武侠探案剧，《莲花楼》有很多优点，但最让人印象深刻的还是人物！ As a mystery/wuxia/crime-solving drama, Mysterious Lotus Casebook has a lot of merits, but what has left the deepest impression upon viewers must still be its characters!  就在江湖之上我们看到了太对惊喜。 Within the jianghu alone, we have seen too many pleasant surprises.

角丽樵疯得彻底也爱得痴狂。 Jiao Liqiao went insane to the point of completion, and also loved to the point of infatuated obsession.

乔婉娩不再等待归人，拿起了她的剑。 Qiao Wanmian no longer waited for someone to return, and instead picked up and drew her own sword.

笛飞声认定了对手就一辈子不会放手。 Di Feisheng recognized one person as his well-matched adversary and thus, in this lifetime, would not let him go.

方多病初出茅庐却热血赤诚。 Fang Duobing was naive and inexperienced, yet also ardently righteous and utterly sincere [wholly devoted].

而从天下第一的李相夷到放下一切的李莲花，他来时一叶扁舟、去时江上漂流，经历了一场对整个江湖的盛大告别后挑了个自己喜欢的结局。 And from the Li Xiangyi who was number one beneath the heavens to the Li Lianhua who had set everything down, his arrival was on a small boat, and his departure was carried away by the currents of the river. After experiencing a splendorous farewell to the entirety of the jianghu, he chose an ending that he himself liked. 

这部剧后劲如此之大在于看完之后有所感。 That the drama’s after-effects were so great has to do with how it made viewers feel after they finished watching.  它在匆忙人世里写放下、写告别、写顿悟、写没有如果不必回头、写从前那样很好现在这样也很好。 Within the hurried bustle of the human world, it told a story of setting things down; of bidding goodbye; of sudden enlightenment in a moment’s time; of no what-if’s and no need to look back; of “How it was in the past, was good; how it is now, is also good.” 原来一念心清静真的能莲花处处开。 So it turns out that with a single thought, the heart attains peace; and lotus flowers truly can bloom all around.

from low君's 《2023年度十大高分国剧》 Top Ten Highest-Rated Mainland Dramas of 2023

Any mistakes are my own.

[jaundicity]

this might be a hot take depending on whoever comes across it, but if the writing crew at HOTD had pushed themselves into truly showcasing the horrors of war and conflict within the dance throughout the show, i doubt that there wouldn't be as much team-related animosity as there is right now inside this fandom.

this can either be interpreted as fact or assumption, i'm okay with both and neither, but genuinely, if the show that we were given had been a lot more true to its original themes of war and its devastating effects along with many other factors like necessary evils, the failure of government through the targaryen royal family, the unjust acts towards innocent people regardless of social status through tumbleton and blood & cheese, etc.. and had explicitly shown that; no glorification, no glamourization, no nothing– just straight up horror?

we would all be too horrified to even think of rooting for one side or the other.

and to be honest? i really wish that were the case.

war isn't something to root for. it's something to dread, something to fear. the dance was exactly that, and we need to be more aware of the fact that just like war in general, it was utterly pathetic, pointless, and downright a cruel attack on the entire country through its own rulers.

sure, we can root for our faves all we like.. but we can't save them entirely from the fates that george originally wrote for them.

for example, i like alicent. she's one of my favourite characters, but am i gonna let her off the hook for the part she played in the war? not really. the same goes for rhaenyra, aegon, aemond, jace and co, who are all characters that i do genuinely like despite the show giving them all the worst writing that doesn't even concede with their major actions in the book. i'm not gonna come out and say that they're all innocent angel babies who just got dealt a bad hand. i know what they did in the OG story, and that's on them for doing it in the first place.

we can love our faves and all, and i do appreciate how much us fans do care for these characters, but let's be real. they played a part in this violence. not one or two, but a lot of them. all of them did.

[idyllic-affections]

for your happiness, dearest one.

summary. if it were for their happiness, signora would gladly cleanse the world a hundred times over. trigger & content warnings. major character death (not the reader) & descriptions of grief. inazuma archon quest spoilers. tropes, pairings, fic length, & other notes. angst. la signora & younger sibling!reader. 2.7k words. they/them pronouns for reader. author's thoughts. pov signora but as a big sister!! idk i really like her, shes very neat in my opinion. yes i am a venti liker and yes i am also a signora liker! she kinda deserved to kick him. just a lil bit..... fun fact about this fic: [name] addresses ei as baal rather than beelzebul because they dont know about makoto. another fun fact: signora says she'll never truly abandon [name], and she didnt. that flame moth seems suspiciously attached to them, after all <3

       Rosalyne, commonly known as La Signora, was many things.

       She was the cold, calculated Eighth Fatui Harbinger who tended to use lethal force against all but one of her underlings. She was the Harbinger who, prior to joining the Fatui, nearly burned herself out within the scorching flames of her boundless fury. She was confident, cunning, and sadistic in certain ways.

       La Signora was many things, but few other than The Tsaritsa herself and some of the other Harbingers knew she was a big sister, and the only underling she was ever kind to was her younger sibling. She was a big sister and, to anyone's blatant surprise, a wonderful one. She was never cruel or unnecessarily harsh towards them, and extended what little remained of the patience and gentleness in her heart to them exclusively. It was a privilege only they possessed. There was not a single Fatuus—hell, not a single person in all of Teyvat that Signora favored more than her dear baby sibling.

       To the Eighth, they were everything. She wished to burn away Teyvat's ugliness—if not for her own sake, then for the sake of her precious little sibling, because they had suffered just as much as she had. It was her and her job alone to protect them from any more pain. They deserved the world, but Signora would not dare give it to them, for they did not deserve its cruelty. They deserved only the best, and the world was simply not on par with that. The world was unkind, disgusting, and utterly revolting. They deserved better than that.

       Perhaps that was why she spoiled them in the ways she did; if she could not give them the best version of the world, then she could take them on shopping sprees in Fontaine or to expensive restaurants in Liyue that left little to no impact on her savings. If they were to express interest in something, it was guarunteed to be on their bedside table the next morning. Spoiled as they were, they still never failed to express their gratitude to her. It was one of the things she adored about them. How could she have nurtured such a humble, gentle soul, when she was anything but?

       Truly, the Harbinger would do anything to distract them from the pain they had experienced. She knew deep down that there was no easing the agony. She knew that all too well, for even without all of the memories of her past, her bitterness and bias shone blatantly through when Mondstadt and its Archon was involved (and, despite not saying this aloud, they didn't completely blame her, as they had their own reservations about Barbatos).

       If it were for their happiness, Signora would gladly cleanse the world a hundred times over.

       "Will you take me to Inazuma with you, Rosalyne?" they wondered softly, eyes fluttering shut at the sensation of their sister skillfully—albeit absentmindedly—massaging their scalp. "I hear it's a beautiful nation. I'd like to experience it with you, even if it's technically a buisness trip..."

       La Signora had long forgotten most of her past, courtesy of the Cryo Delusion gifted to her by the Tsaritsa herself. It was used to suppress her flames so that she did not burn away into nothing but ash. Even so, they never stopped calling her Rosalyne when they were alone together, for to them, she was still their same big sister from five hundred years ago. To them, it was like nothing had changed; they knew better, of course, for the amount of things that had changed since their days of living peacefully in Mondstadt were unfathomable. Even so, they still truly believed that their big sister was still there underneath the defensive layers of ice and fire. Wholeheartedly, they believed that Rosalyne-Kruzchka Lohefalter was still there.

       She found it... endearing.

       Despite everything, they still saw her as Rosalyne, not La Signora, not the Fair Lady, and certainly not the Crimson Witch of Flames nor Embers. Even if she could not recall her past, she did at least remember who she was.

       She was Rosalyne, their big sister.

       She would always be Rosalyne. Always.

       "...I will," she responded, though not before a long moment of serious contemplation. She agreed to take them to Mondstadt only because the Anemo Archon was notoriously weak (at least, that's what she believed; they knew better than that), and she took them to Liyue since a contract had already been established between Rex Lapis and the Tsaritsa, but the Electro Archon was a different case entirely. Even the ever-confident La Signora acknowledged that. "Inazuma is different than Mondstadt and Liyue. As such, you are to do as I say without question, understood?"

       "Of course. You know I would never do anything that you do not agree with." They peered up at her, lips curling up into a sweet smile. "I trust you."

       Her gaze, steely and cold, softened significantly. She leaned down, pressing a brief kiss to their forehead. "...Good. Now go. Return to your quarters and prepare a bag with whatever you deem necessary. We will leave in the morning."

              — flower of the universe !! 🌸

       Inazuma was breathtaking.

       Tenshukaku, however, was less so.

       "...Do we really have to go in?" they wondered softly, hands smoothing anxiously over their shirt. Their voice betrayed their stance and expression—both being cool and impassive, managing to wordlessly communicate the same confidence Signora always seemed to have.

       Though they were never really like her in that respect, they had to at least pretend to be. Their behaviors would reflect their older sister as their teacher. She had a reputation to uphold. They were always careful not to damage it in the slightest.

       Adrenaline flooded their veins. Dread dug its fingers around their throat, making breathing suddenly seem more challenging. They didn't like this place. No, no, not at all. Tenshukaku, though admirable and elegant, had a terribly suffocating aura surrounding it. Perhaps it was merely the Shogun's elemental energy that made them uneasy, but something was putting them on edge. They truly couldn't be sure if it was their razor-sharp intuition or just the presence of a powerful God.

       It felt inexplicably as if, assuming they and their sister both were to step into that dreadful building, one or both of them might not come back out.

       The woman hummed, moving so that she was in front of them. Her hard gaze softened slightly. She straightened their collar, before delicately plucking off a stray hair off of their shoulder. "Yes. Walk in with your head held high. We are Snezhnayan diplomats. More importantly, you are my sibling. You are like me. You've handled these situations with confidence and grace up until now. I see no reason for you to suddenly change."

       They swallowed back their sudden wave of panic, giving her a firm nod. "Right. My bad."

       "You needn't speak to the Shogun. Only speak if you are spoken to. I will handle everything. If things go according to plan, she shouldn't spare you more than a glance."

       They exhaled through their nose, calming their rapidly pounding heart. "Alright."

              — flower of the universe !! 🌸

       It was in front of Mondstadt's cathedral that they and their elder sister would dance together to the lively songs played by bards—some who were familiar locals, others complete strangers that happened to be wandering Teyvat. A crowd would always gather. Regardless of who one was, from Mondstadt or anywhere else, none could deny that there were few things more endearing and uplifting than seeing those two dance together.

       Rosalyne raised a hand, twirling them around as they laughed delightedly. She pulled them back in, wrapping her arms lovingly around their neck with a contented sigh. They were quick to return the gesture, though instead their arms made their way around her waist. The woman raised one hand and stroked it over their hair. A soft hum rose from their throat.

       "I love you dearly. I'll be away for a while, but I promise, I swear on the Seven that I will never truly abandon you."

       "I know," they replied softly, gazing up at her with eyes full of unadulterated admiration. "I love you too."

       That memory—one among many of them and their sister from five centuries ago—was one they held oh-so dearly. She promised not to leave them. Rosalyne did not take her promises lightly, so how...

       How could it have possibly ended like this?

       They could already feel a deep, gaping hole forming in their chest with the absence of the one person that mattered in their life.

       A strangled sob left their throat. "No, no... oh, Gods..." They tried to grasp at what remained of their elder sister. The fine grains of ash merely slipped between their fingers, but that didn't seem to deter them. "No... Rosalyne, why? Why? You could've lived, you... why didn't you run? You were never supposed to abandon me, Rosalyne." 

       Their eyes burned with tears; whether they were tears of utter distress or anger, no-one could be sure. It seemed more likely that it was a dreadful mix of both, for as the Cryo Vision secured on their hip began to shimmer, the temperature in the room dropped immeasurably. With the transition from terror and despair to a blinding rage came the unforgiving, biting chill of Snezhnayan winters. A thin layer of frost descended upon all surfaces in the room.

       Signora may have nearly drowned in the flames of her anger, but unlike her, they would freeze in the impenetrable ice of their's. Their rage ran so hot that it was cold.

       Perhaps these behaviors simply ran in their family, for both they and Signora shared a tendency to be extremely passionate about all that they did. The issue was that that passion, when perpetuated by painful situations, became all-consuming and inevitably fatal if they were to fail to reign in their fury. 

       Signora's passion had once fueled her flames. Their passion now fueled their ice.

       The traveller and Paimon both shuddered, recoiling from the sudden temperature change.

       "You..." they murmured, eyes snapping up towards the Shogun. If looks could kill, she would have dropped dead the second their frigid gaze landed on her. Unfortunately, striking down a deity took quite a lot more than a simple glare. "How dare you? Who do you think you are to take her away from me like that? You— you..."

       The God of Eternity stood unfazed, unbothered by their emotional outburst. Their eyes flickered briefly to her blade. If they didnt know better, they'd raise their Anemo Delusion to her. They'd risk losing their mind or even dying due to the toll Delusions took on one's body. They'd risk it all just to avenge their fallen sister if they didn't know better.

       However, they did know better.

       Rosalyne was adamant on ensuring that they were wise and wouldn't put themselves in a situation that they couldn't emerge safely from. She did exactly what she warned them about. She wouldn't want them to follow her example, no. Rosalyne would want nothing more than to see them learn from her mistakes.

       A stray flame moth landed on their shoulder, only strengthening their frozen resolve.

       They had a feeling that the little being, radiating a soothing warmth that managed to melt away their ice and warm them both inside and out, would not part from their side anytime soon.

       "Tch," they scoffed, rising to their feet with clenched fists. As if they hadn't broken down crying a few seconds ago, their gaze hardened, and their stance was as confident and firm as ever. They brushed the stray frost off of the shoulder that the moth had not settled on. "Her Majesty truly is the only Archon with the purest of goals. You disgust me," they spat, turning away with an elegant flick of their coat. "Goodbye, Baal. I no longer have any buisness here."

       As they departed, their steps left behind small patches of ice.

       Before they exited, they mused threateningly, "The Tsaritsa will hear of this... incident. Your blatant disregard for the safety Snezhnayan diplomats will not go unpunished, Inazuman laws be damned."

              — flower of the universe !! 🌸

       Upon being summoned to the Cryo Archon's throne room in the palace, their immediate assumption was that they would be punished. Perhaps they had spoken out of line to the Shogun. Did they displease their God? Archons, they hoped not. A pissed off Cryo user was one thing, but enraging the Cryo Archon herself? That was nothing short of a death sentence, surely. 

       Despite their natural fear for the deity, they barely seemed fazed as they treaded towards her throne room. All they could focus on was the heavy emptiness lingering in their chest. The flame moth had still failed to part from them. It seemed to bat its wings against their chilled skin in an attempt to soothe them. Its efforts were to no avail.

       'Why did you leave me here, Rosalyne?'

       They kept their gaze directed downwards as they entered the infamous throne room, lower-ranked Fatui shutting the doors behind them. Despite the unmistakable below-freezing temperatures of the room, sweat rolled down the side of their forehead at the echo of the doors closing. The floor seemed to sway underneath their unsteady feet. They weren't sure if they'd even have the strength to stand for much longer.

       Their mind was in utter shambles.

       Now, they were truly trapped in here—not that they would have dared to try and flee, but something about being officially trapped in the same room as the Tsaritsa herself ignited a primal terror buried in the depths of their mind. Rarely did they even pass by this room; they were not a Harbinger and so they did not report directly to their Goddess. They'd only ever met her once before, and that was... perhaps four or five centuries ago.

       They kneeled a few feet in front of her throne, clearing their dry throat. They willed their body to cease its shaking. "Good evening, Your Majesty."

       "Such a formal one you are. Rosalyne taught you well," she lilted softly. "You have earned my praise, [Name]."

       Their breath hitched slightly.

       "You have shown great discipline and elegance despite recent events. Your judgement was not clouded by confidence or rage. This is something your elder sister did not succeed at—may she rest in peace. I will ensure that the entire nation sufficiently mourns her loss. No sacrifice will have been in vain when we win the divine rebellion."

       They rapidly blinked in an attempt to rid their eyes of the tears threatening to spill over. Their voice cracked slightly as they murmured barely above the volume of a whisper, "Of course. I will never forget that. Your goal is of such purity, Your Highness... I will do anything to help you succeed."

       The woman hummed thoughtfully. "Anything, you say?"

       "Anything, especially in light of recent events. I have nothing but my life left to lose. I would gladly give it up in your honor, should that be your will." A stray tear rolled down their cheek. "I have nothing left to lose."

       "In that case," she mused, lacing her fingers together and resting her chin on the bridge they created, "inherit La Signora's position. Become the Eighth of the Eleven Fatui Harbingers."

       Wide-eyed, they snapped their gaze up towards her, only to frantically look back down at the floor. Perhaps they wouldn't be punished for looking at her directly, but the shooting chills her gaze sent tingling across their skin was enough for them to not want to regardless. "Y... your highness, surely I am not strong enough to—"

       "Nonesense. I have seen you best Tartaglia effortlessly—you barely even broke a sweat, while he expended his strength in full. As such, I have no doubt that you are fit to fill the vacant Eighth position."

       Silence.

       "In..." Their voice came out embarrassingly meek and timid on their first attempt, so they took a breath and tried again. "In that case, if you truly feel that way about me, I graciously accept your kind offer."

       Her lips twitched upwards, forming the ghost of a barely noticable smile. "Wonderful. Welcome to our ranks, Scappino."

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