#but its also really fucking hard to fit that all into 2.5 hours on the weekdays after work

[goatmilksoda]

I love "This Too Shall Pass" but the thing about it is sometimes shit takes a really long time to pass. Yes "This Too Shall Pass" but can it hurry up a little please? I'm doing all the coping I can but when said problem is supposed to last more than 100 more days and there's nothing I can do to speed it up, it gets kind of hard not to go insane.

[nukuome]

Aaaaalllllll righty then

PART 48 LIVEBLOGGING!!

(Spoilers, obviously BUT FIRST THE PRE-BLOGGING)

OKAY so the episode releases in 2.5 hours. I hope jarthur split up into separate bodies. OR AT LEAST ARE ABOUT TO (im coping so fucking hard man). Because like. They're in the castle. The cult castle. With the cult in it. The cult. The cult that already tried to separate them before. They tried to separate them before.

(Haven't started the episode) I think this is the season of the John Doe.

ITS DONE DOWNLOADING OKAY LIVEBLOG STARTS NOW

uh oh

SPITTING BLOOD?????? ME WHEN TEBURCULOSIS

Are they just wandering the castle???

Woag. Other people.. that's really weird.

ARTHUR YOU ARE FUMBLING ALREADY YOURE SO COOKED

He sounds like Oscar 🥺🥺🥺🥺 my baby..

RED‼️‼️‼️‼️‼️‼️‼️

Dawg.. get a fucking tissue or something

MUSIC. MUSIC MUSIC MUSIC‼️‼️‼️‼️‼️‼️

CULT?? CULT LADY?????

Hehehehe cult. Oh nvm just a garden lmao.

Hot...

STOP STOOOPP HARLAN WHY DO YOU TORTURE ME LIKE THIS

Five-some would be CRAAAAZY I love these guys

MUSIC MUSIC MUSIC MUSIC MUSIC MUSIC MUSIC

Hmmmmm...... also I love how John is taking lead here

AH. HIS EYES HOLY HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT

MUSIC

Evil fucking wizard...

So like. This is the creation of the order of the fallen star right?

Oh. Oh no Arthur fits this description TOO well.. that's not good.

GUY WHO BUILT THE UNDERGROUND CITY??????

The.. cracks, huh? Like.. like in season 3???? The episode the cracks???

BLACK STONE‼️‼️‼️‼️

Wait. The order is already established okay..

AAWWWWW MAAAANNNNNN I hope Arthur gets to touch that rock.

Awww that was a cute little nervous laugh <3

LIKE A LAMB JOHN STOP DESCRIBING THIS TWINK

Lmao why is John so impressed with these knots??

MUSIC MUSIC MUSIC

oh. Oh no arthur.

Holy shit this is cool.

Uhhhh.. okay so they're all gonna try to kill each other okay then

This is what it feels like to wear a binder too long

Football caught me very off guard

MURDER! MURDER! JEKYLL AND HYDE MURDER! MURDER!

Oh he did it.

Woag.. hot French voice..

OOOOHHH FUCK YOU FRAIER

Thank you frenchie <3

YIPPIE!!

Oh my god they're all gonna be like "Why were you so far behind??" ANNNND YA

Woah. Harassment much?

Yeah, he has teburculosis man lay off.

Okay I kinda love this man a little

WHAT DOES THAT MEAN?? ALSO ARTHUR WHAT WAS THAT. OKAY, JAMES. What was that little breath?? 🤨🤨🤨🤨🤨

Woah now THATS a good visual

Oh wait. Where's yorick? Where's my son?

OH MY GOD ARTHUR YOU CLEVER BITCH I LOVE YOU I LOVE YOU SO I LOVE YOU SO MUCH

AZATHOTH???????????? AZATHOTH PLEASEPLEASSPLEASEPLEASAAAAAAEEEAASE AZATHOTH

eugh.

Yaaaaassss slay witch seer queen

Ouch. Cold.

[not-me-simping-for-blasty]

another helping of living w/ bakugou thoughts:

pls i am so sorry, i feel like i bombard y’all with these constantly, but u don’t understand, he literally lives in my brain full time

- if you’re rolling your sleeves up, to wash your hands before dinner, he’ll whack your hands away and do it himself. very much “you’re takin’ too long, idiot. i wanna eat already. let me do it.”,, don’t be fooled tho, you could do it in 2.5 seconds and he’d still open his mouth. bc it has absolutely nothing to do with u and everything to do with him wanting to be close to you

-ik he watches the mha equivalent of the history channel. i just know it. dude is a grandpa at heart, n im so confident he would 100% sit down and watch a 3 hr docu on like, old weaponry or some nerdy shit

-bakugou is annoyingly arrogant, but only about things that don’t matter. like, he’ll fully sit in front of you and tell you he’s stronger/faster/smarter in passing conversation,, but when he does actually impressive shit??? the man clams up. absolutely clams up the second you praise him, trying to brush off whatever ridiculous feat he just pulled to protect u with a “It’s not that big a deal, shut up about it already, dumbass.” 

- pls mans is an absolute simp. u ask him to do something and he’s on his feet in a second. ofc he’s complaining but he’s also then following that up by doing things you didn’t even ask him to do. fan behavior honestly.

-when you’ve had a bad day, he’ll make u food and throw blankets in the dryer for u. don’t expect much verbal comforting from him, bc obviously, but he’s pretty good with actions. you always feel a little warmer after he’s wrapped you in a blanket n fed you something ungodly spicy

- i have absolutely no basis for this but ik he secretly watches kids movies. like, if it’s animated then he’s there. ofc no one is allowed to find out about this ‘embarrassing’ behavior tho, except maybe you. maybe. if you accidentally happen to see it bc he’d never tell u himself.

- he’s a beast to wake up in the morning, but he’s a lot more easy to convince if u pet his hair. or rub his back/shoulders. maybe even kiss his neck. look, u cannot tell me that he doesn’t want to be absolutely coddled in the morning- especially when he can get away with it so easily. 

-bakugou always pulls ur legs into his lap if u sit down next to him. pls he’s so weird, he’ll just like, tap his fingers on ur calves absentmindedly while he’s watching tv

-he probably created a playlist of songs ur ‘allowed’ to play around him. meaning, it’s only the songs on ur phone that he likes 🙄

-bakugou always takes his work phone calls outside. like if his phone rings he’ll just stand up n walk tf out the door to take it. even if it’s cold. u ask him once about it n he just “Work stays at work. This is my fuckin’ home. Now shut up about it already.”

-you’ve never once seen this man wearing socks around the house. don’t ask me, i cannot explain this whatsoever, but i just kno this man walks around constantly barefoot 🤢🤮 unfortunately.

-he’s like, the most functional person ever in almost every aspect, but the stuff katsuki is bad at?? pls he is hopelessly bad. like, lets say art stuff. omg he just doesnt have the patience for it, okay, so say goodbye to any dreams of cute lil couple’s crafts. like, he’ll sit there while u do yours, but his will look like utter shit

- during the week, katsuki is either at work, training, or at home. pls, he works so hard during the day that i highly doubt he’s anything but an absolute homebody during the work week.

- bakugou gets pissy if u re-arrange any of the furniture on a whim. pls he likes comfort and familiarity n if he stubs his toe on the stupid coffee table one more fucking time, he’s going to scream

-its a rare occurance,, especially bc of the crazy hours he works,, but bakugou rlly likes making dinner for u to come home to. he just likes to feel like he’s taking care of u tbh

-he still goes to bed at like 8:30. or thats what u think, but rlly he just goes to sit in your room and have some time to himself for a bit. as much as he loves u, he prob still needs some alone time to recharge

-bakugou takes meticulous care of any plants u have in the house. like he’ll water them on a strict-ass schedule, n preen them when necessary. pls the way he’ll curse them out if they even dare to wilt under his care?? very much “What the hell, you bitch? ‘m doin’ everything fuckin’ perfect! Grow already!”

-katsuki is such a little bitch when he’s sick. he’ll be running like a 103 temp, brain literally melting, and still trying to get up and work out. the only way u can get him to chill the hell out is if u take a nap with him. ofc that means u always get sick too,, but hey- lil sacrifices right??

-he never lets you get the door. like, if there’s a knock n neither of u knows who it could be,, pls he’s on his feet so fast. waving u away n looking thru the keyhole w/ sm suspicion

-he has his spot on the couch, n u will not find him sitting anywhere else. like, that’s his spot. u better pray for anybody who mistakenly takes it

-bakugou doesn’t like dirt or grime, so he won’t allow you or himself, to sit on your bed with clothes that have been outside. like, even if you’re just sitting on top of the covers, he’s gonna throw a fit and demand you change your clothes first bc “No way in hell am I gonna let your dumbass dirty up my bed.”

-katsuki rlly likes when it storms outside. he’ll go sit in front of the window and watch the rain, sipping on a warm drink while he waits for more thunder. 

-living with bakugou is incredibly frustrating, bc he’ll just show up with new skills all of the goddamn time. like you’ll be like, “hmm i’d love to remodel the bathroom someday”,, and the very next weekend bakugou is meticulously re-tiling the bathroom floor by hand, probably also painting the walls in a new color, maybe even installing a new sink just to spruce it up. n then he’ll just present the entirely new, upgraded room with such weird nonchalance that it pisses u off. pls and if you watch him while he does these little projects, with all the weird precision and skill he suddenly gains?? pls you’re sure he must be possessed by the ghost of a craftsman

- when he hangs out with the bakusquad, he’ll drag you along every time. he expects you to sit with him the entire time and act as a social buffer?? basically, someone’ll ask him a question, one he deems stupid and therefore not worth answering, and bakugou will just look at you expectantly. he’ll just stare at you blankly, hardly even blinking until you pick up the slack and answer for him. you call him out on this many times, but it doesn’t matter. it doesn’t change anything. he does this over and over and over again

-bakugou gets really unsettled when you guys fight. like, he can’t sleep and he’s snapping at everybody, and is somehow more aggressive than usual. he always wants to just make up already, but the pride in the way won’t allow it

-he’s a weird stickler about intended furniture functionality?? like, the table is for eating, and the couch is for watching tv, and then only way you’re gonna get him to mix the two is if you ask him rlly rlly nicely

-finally- i have no basis for this one, but ik it in my heart: bakugou has a very intense fight with your thermostat nearly every single day. he swears up and down that it never ��behaves’ for him, but every time you check it, it’s working perfectly fine

--/-- 

ahahhaa sorry y’all for the super random spam today,, but here were are back to our regularly scheduled bakugou programming,,,, bc idk if it’s obvious ur honor, but i love him

[slashingdisneypasta]

Jason Voorhees x Reader || Oneshot

Title: I Wouldn't Fit In That World Anymore. I Want This One

Notes: 

·         This is post FVSJ and also links to the comic where Bubba and Jason meet ^^

·         I just really wanted some Jason hugs today!! 

Plot: Lots and lots of Jason fluff. A liiitle angst concerning a ‘normal life’, but the reader wants Jason. So really it just makes way for more fluff! 

Warnings: None that I can think of

~~~

 “So, um… Jason?” Okay, enough of this. I can’t just sit here and weave a basket with Jason sitting right across from me, and not say it anymore. It’s a skill, to be able to guilt trip someone without even knowing it, without even the ability to speak, but Jason has it. He looks up from his carving, which is starting to look a bit like a fish now. I look back down at my basket-in-progress and run a hand over the prickly, smooth strands. We like creative, hands-on activities, we do. “So, um… “Ah, repetition. Intelligent. “The other day… well, you know how I told you a guy was annoying me lately? Talking to me a lot at work and trying to tag along with me to work outings and shopping trips I told him about?”

Of course, he remembers and makes a nodding movement, focused on me. I look back down at the basket again. “Well, he uh… I can’t believe I didn’t notice it before, he always sits way too close to me but I just figured he had personal space issues, you know? Like Bubba. But.” I take a deep breath in through my nose, slowly. Raising my shoulders high and look disapprovingly at my basket. “It turns out he liked me… as, more then a friend. You know.” Like how you feel about me. But, of course I don’t need to say that. He’s intelligent, he knows. You can tell by the way he stills even more then he already was, with his not-breathing and all. He doesn’t freak out or anything though, doesn’t move to get up and pick up his machete, or clench his fists. He waits for more information from me, and I’m thankful for it. “And he asked me out.”

I peak up at him to see his reaction, hoping to not catch his gaze because then I know I’ll panic and start talking nonsense and in this situation, which is telling a killer that loves you that someone else tried something with you, would be a huge mistake. With Jason, its much better to be clear and simple. And repetitive. “I said no. I didn’t want to be with him, because he’s nothing like you and I love you. Not that anyone, even a carbon copy could beat you out, at all. But… I said no. I didn’t have any interest. I love you. I just thought you might want to know, cuz we’re in a… a mature, relationship and all.”

His stiffness goes away after a few more agonising moments of silence, and staring-into-eyes and he turns back to his carving. After brushing away some dust with his thumb, he looks back up at me and nods, lifting the awkwardness from the air, but not from my heart. I still have more to say… but I’m still debating saying it. For a few more minutes, maybe an hour, we go back to what we were doing. Him creating, me methodically weaving the straw and planning out what I would say, if I said it.

As he gets up, having finished his fish and put in the ground between us so he can stare at it for a little longer, deciding if it needed anymore touches or maybe imagining it being a real fish, or maybe thinking something completely separate from sea life because who knows what goes through Jason Voorhees’ mind, I move and nearly call him back to say what I was planning. I even let go of the basket and reach for his hand, but I stop myself a millisecond later and jolt back to an awkward position holding the finished handle of my creation. My heart beating fast and hard in my chest.

I want to be honest with him… and I do trust him. I trust him with my life, and my random thoughts, and so much more… But above all I trust his loyalty… that often times is in the middle of a Venn diagram of loyalty and possession. I know, if I tell him this last part that’s been on my mind, there is a good 70 percent chance that he’ll take it the wrong way and do something rash, like when he went to Manhatten. He’s capable of anything, really, and that is what I’m afraid of.

Or… well, that’s 50 percent of what I’m logically worried about. The other half of me is more concerned with his feelings. It would kill me to hurt them. Jason’s like a huge puppy and telling him this might be like kicking this giant puppy.

Deciding to wait and think on it for a little bit more, at least until my heart stops beating so fast that my fingers shake and my skin goes pale, Jason safely makes it to the kindling and starts cutting it up for the fire later tonight.

When its about 7, and the fire is lit and bright in the front yard-or… what I call the front yard. Really, it’s the clearing in front of his cabin, - and finally push myself towards him to say it. I leave the cabin and find him on the porch, watching the flames. They dance in his eyes, and I interrupt his thoughts by sitting comfortably, sideways in his lap and leaning my head onto his shoulder. Immediately he looks down, assesses the situation silently and moves his arms to make me more comfortable. I sigh. “So, you remember what I told you earlier?”

I feel him nod, above me. But instead of looking at each other, we look at the fire. Its so hot that even from here I can feel it, and its so bright that the orange light touches our forms. “There was more that I wanted to tell you. Because… well, I like to tell you things. And because you deserve to know.” I turn to wrap my arms securely around him and press my face into his jacket, probably alerting him to the fact that this new thing might be bad but I don’t care. I definitely don’t look up when I feel him look down at the top of my head. “I thought about saying yes.” I whisper. “For a moment, I pictured a life with him. Or, really, any normal guy with a… a nine to five job and a tie who wants 2.5 kids and a picket fence.” He’s so nice to cuddle. So round and strong and cuddly. It makes this easier to push out. “How I could… I could say yes, and still get what I thought I would get all my life before meeting you. A normal family, with people like me. To raise a baby the way I always said I would, not like my parents. And for a second it… it was exciting. I even half wanted it.”

He goes stiff again, and I nearly panic again. I want to tell him immediately that I’m kidding, its all a joke! I would never want anything apart from this life here with you, I’m sorry!! But again, I know panicking would be a bad idea. And I’m past blabbering in the face of danger, at this point. Being in love with a monster.

“But then the moment passed over me, Jason.” Its nice to say his name. Makes everything feel right. Puts it all in perspective. This is Jason. He’s the reason I transformed my life into this, and I wouldn’t take back that decision for anything. He is everything. “Second of all, I realised: I met freaking Leatherface, and he’s the most adorable pseudo-cousin-in-law a girl could ask for. I fought Freddy Fucking Krueger. I’m in love with you so much I’m beyond repair. I wouldn’t fit in that dream life anymore. In no universe would it be enough next to this.” I’ve met the darkness, and I could never go back. It’s weird, I’ve never been more comfortable anywhere. “But the first thought that came to me, stopping me in my tracks was you, of course. What else, honestly.” I tighten my grip on him, and feel his big hand slowly touch my back, nearly the width of my back. “I couldn’t live without you.”

“I never understood what people meant when they described their partners as their worlds before but during this moment, I figured it out. I realised that that is how I was feeling about you. I didn’t even know it. But you are, you’re my world. And that is as complicated and as simple as that.”

He doesn’t utilise a moment this time, and just hugs me to his body, enwrapping me in his arms and his chest entirely and leaning forward so his knocks against my head gently. I take this as a ‘I feel the same’, and giggle, enjoying our cuddle.

“Oh, sweetheart. I made a whole little speech there. I serenaded you, do you feel overwhelmed??” I slightly tease, but my grip back on him is too tight I’m sure, for him to take me seriously. He still sighs heavily into my shoulder though, making me giggle.

I give him a little kiss of the closest bit of skin available to me, the side of his head and secure my arms around him again, settling into this, smiling. I guess we’re making a night of it now. 

[cosmostellar]

I don't understand what could be wrong about frozen 2???

i feel like i could write an essay about it because its all ive been talking about for the last 2.5 hour and still i constantly think of new things but ill try to list the main ones for me

No one has a consistent/understandable character arc. Elsa is (I’m guessing?? these are legitimately my guesses because I don’t feel like the movie made anything clear enough to actually say it with certainty), but I’m guessing Elsa is supposed to be shown as wanting something more, seeking adventure, feeling like she’s wasting her life in the palace, hence “the siren voice”. But it never really feels like that because whenever Elsa is distracted or seems upset it’s not because of her own needs not being met in the palace or the role of queen being upsetting/overwhelming for her, or her being bored, or her just wanting to GET OUT AND DO SOMETHING. Her only motivation and the reason for distress initially is hearing the voice, she never seems to enjoy herself on the adventure in the forest. Why does she even want to stay in that forest in the end? Because she likes the people she’s never really talked to? Because she enjoys the magical adventure? There is no connection written between Elsa and the adventure, Elsa and the unknown, Elsa and the magic.

Anna is just a complete mess in this movie. I don’t know if her obsession and overprotective behavior towards Elsa are supposed to be seen as negative or do the writers just struggle with writing sibling relationships this much, but it’s the only thing she does that can be somewhat interpreted as something she needs to work on. And there is never any conclusion to that?? Elsa sends Anna away once, goes somewhere herself and ends up dying and having to be saved by Anna anyway, which in some way only confirms all of Anna’s fears, but they never have a conversation after that? And Anna’s ending (becoming a queen) is written hastily and comes out of nowhere, she is not previously set as someone who is better fit to be the queen of Arendelle than Elsa, or someone who wants it/needs it character-wise. I don’t know.

Kristoff’s presence in this movie was a joke and they didn’t even try and okay, I guess, but it was just. It was just sad how it looked like the writers cried for hours before they came up with a way they can squeeze him into the story.

The dialogue was SO BAD. It was either pure clear exposition given in the way that you could just SEE they are setting something up - Olaf talking about the water, Kristoff and Anna talking about the dam, Elsa and Anna being told the story of the enchanted forest. No one talked like real people, even in the emotional movies they were mostly exposition machines (Anna telling Elsa how Elsa is the gift from the spirits because of what their parents did. Also I still don’t know how she arrived at that conclusion). The script never took a break to just have them sit and talk, banter, joke with each other. It felt… like they barely knew each other? And it honestly looked like the writers kinda noticed it too because they really did their best to have Anna and Elsa EXPOSITION how they Know Stuff About Each Other (”oh you are wearing mom’s scarf, i know you must feel bad”). Don’t… don’t tell me that these people know each other?? Show me? The sisters interact on a daily basis for three years and still don’t have a single inside joke? Anna reacts to Kristoff’s rambling as if she knew him for three days? Also I THOUGHT that her reactions to what he was talking about during their journey after Elsa fell asleep was supposed to hint at some other thing she struggles in within herself (feeling like she’s not good enough at love or something, idk), but no, that was just. I don’t know what that was.

The big twist of the movie is that whites fucked over native people. Woohoo. Wasn’t at all obvious the moment the whites and the natives appeared on the screen together. Also Elsa’s mom looks like a COMPLETELY DIFFERENT PERSON as a child just so that another plot twist could work.

And I don’t know why were those people even there?? No one connected to them in any way, it’s hard to assess what relationship these two groups had towards each other, how do they function, the sister and brother were so unnecessary it actually hurt to see them just pointlessly moving around on the screen.

Also the pace and the plot were atrocious, the lack of clear conflict made it impossible to really root for them because most of the time it was unclear what the characters were actually attempting to do and what was supposed to happen, and I’m the first one to advocate for lack of clear villains in the movies but boy. That movie could really use a villain because it was tiring to watch Anna and Elsa go around and discover random things that would once again change their goals and journeys in a quasi-unclear and uninteresting way.

[iamalivenow]

Jon watches Daisy and Melanie haul the nice couch from the nice break room all the way to the elevator and he also watches the rest of the people who work in this building try to restrain themselves from yelling at the weirdos from the Archives. “Are you coming or not?” Melanie sounds bored which means she's already done with this entire idea. Jon gets into the elevator. It's a tight fit and the lights are dim and Daisy stands too close to possibly be comfortable but he doesn't mind. He's gotten used to her shadowing him like this. Feels safer for it even. Hauling the couch out takes even more time then hauling it in did, and then dragging it into the spare office is a trial with how small the door is. “Right, I'm done. Have fun with your awful idea.” Melanie dusts her hands on her jeans and stares at the two of them. “I'll tell Helen you're being stupid again.” “I'm sure she'll be thrilled.” Melanie snorts and leaves just as Basira arrives with a plastic bag filled with loose disks. “I think this is an awful idea.” Is the first thing she says. “Do you know they're keeping my key card until I bring those back?” Is the second.

“Sure is a good thing you don't have to go anywhere.” Daisy pats the spot next to her on the couch and stares at the projector Jon hooked up to his laptop. “Are we doing this or what?” This, being a marathon of the Lagorio director cuts. Because they're out of ideas and Annabelle- probably Annabelle- has started infesting the institute just as badly as Prentiss did. They're on every inch of the walls outside, and slipping in through the windows so much easier. There aren't any in the tunnels yet, and not that many managed to sneak into the basement, but- Everyone else will crush them for him, and he doesn't have to touch them, and he doesn't mind. He fiddles with the disk drive, a temperamental thing he borrowed from Georgie ages ago and when he finally remembered to return it she had gotten a new one and let him keep it for five quid. He grabs a loose disk from the bag, huffing warm air on it and cleaning it on his shirt before putting it in and sitting to Daisy's right. It's Dead Sky, the credits tell them. Jon hates it instantly.

Dead Sky Real snore fest. Couldn't even begin to be scared. All of the gore would look great if you could see any of it. Ever heard of lighting balance? And you can totally see the suspension harnesses. Stop wasting so much money on practical effects if you can't even afford a green screen. 2 Stars. Hey, want to hear a joke? Why can't spiders become pilots? Because they only know how to tailspin.  – LonelyEyes

The phantom touch of vertigo only leaves him when the credits roll, the tightness in his chest finally abating when he turns his head to see how his two tagalongs are doing. “You're breathing kind of hard there, you alright?” Jon nods, rubbing his face awake. “Not going to be weird, right?” “I don't know. Where's Basira?” “She said she was going to steal popcorn from the upstairs break room.” Daisy looks bored. Really not a movie person then. Or just not a good movie. She stretches, one arm vaguely behind Jon's head before she settles comfortably. “I thought it was going to be worse, honestly. Wasn't this one of his fucked up one?” “It was-” He pats his chest as if that's supposed to translate what he means but Daisy takes a slow nod anyway. “Maybe it didn't grab me because I killed one of them.” “Maybe.” Basira comes back with popcorn while Jon tries to figure out the next disk to put in.

Beyond Time God, could you make something more reductive if you tried? Honestly, the second anyone thinks they can do time travel right is a joke. Black holes don't work like that, obviously. At least someone learned how to light a scene correctly, but man the make up? Come on people. Cult classic? Hey, since you people like jokes so much, got another one for you. What does a spider do when he gets angry? He goes up the wall! 2.5 Stars –LonelyEyes

Jon breathes a sigh of relief when its over. This one really wasn't as bad- at least not to him. Daisy holds Basira's hand and whispers something Jon chooses not to hear. While he fumbles with the next disk, Daisy passes him the bowl of popcorn to hold while she takes both of Basira's hands. “Are you alright?” Daisy nudges his foot with hers, which means shut up, which he does, staring back at the wall. “I'm fine, Jon. Put the next one on.” Daisy's hands don't move from Basira's. He wipes the disk twice, just to make sure none of the sugar got on it and caused the film to look even worse.

The Crawling Ones This one almost won me over. Almost. The romance was so by the numbers though, and it took up way to much of the runtime. My coworker doesn't think the romance between the monster roaches and the lead actor was even obvious, so really, what else can be said. Ugh. 1.6 stars. Oh, I got a joke for you, ready? Did you hear about the spider love triangle? It was a tangled web. – LonelyEyes

Basira excuses herself to vomit, which Jon thinks is fair, and if he never sees another bug of any kind it will be to soon. “You look green Jon.” “Yes well. Bit over insects.” He says. Daisy nods, somewhat lazy in her understanding but she takes Jon's hand and rolls his sleeve up to stare at the worm scars. He tries his best not to feel examined, tries his best not to squirm before she slowly rolls his sleeve back down, doing the buttons he didn't bother with earlier. Her nails clack against them and it's oddly loud in the otherwise quiet room. “If you get really scared you can hold my hand.” It doesn't sound placating, which is nice. They try not to sound placating around each other. “Is Basira okay?” He asks because the thought of holding hands makes his palms sweat almost instantly. “She- She's fine. She'll be fine. She's strong.” “Right.” You are too, he wants to say, but the door to the office opens and Basira sits down on the couch and stares straight ahead. Okay, not going to talk about it then, that's fine.

Jewel of the Amazon Eh. Can't muster more then Eh. Not a good sign, traditionally. Eh. 0 Stars. Here's something though, What does a spider do when he gets angry? He goes up the wall! – LonelyEyes

The scar Melanie gave him aches miserably. “Jon?” He lets go of Daisy's hand, practically drops it like its hot coal. She shakes it out, like he gripped too hard, and he must have. He tries to move to the right, give Daisy some space before she tugs him back, closer then before. “Holding up?” He chances a glance at Basira- who's managed to fall asleep half way through it. “Leg hurts.” It's all situational, he supposed. And these films are three to four hours long. He has no idea how anyone would ever want to watch this. How this man sold any of this garbage. “Poor you. Here.” She pats her shoulder and Jon stares at her. “I'm not going to snap your head off, come on.”

Agents of Orion Definitely the only good movie this hack ever made, I can really feel the horror. My coworker thinks its a little on the nose, but there's nothing wrong with that sometimes. If it's tasteful. But then you can't go wrong with the isolation of space! Who wouldn't think that was scary! The maze section was absolute garbage though. Amateur writing 101 much? 4 stars. What do you call an under cover spider? A spy-der ! - LonelyEyes

He does end up with his face in her neck. It's embarrassing now, while she holds the back of his neck like he's a infant, but during the film he appreciated it. He really appreciated it. Her nails dig into the skin and it's nice, it's grounding, and even if it hurts it's the kind of pain he's used to, somehow. For half a second he thinks she's going to start rocking him back and forth but she lets him go as Basira gets up from the couch. “I'm going to bed.” Jon pulls away, blinks until he can see straight and looks at the time. They really did waste all day doing this. “Pick this up again tomorrow?” “Yes- Yes.” He says. His face feels warm. Well, he was just cradled by her girlfriend. He supposed it made sense that at least one of them was embarrassed about it. “Tomorrow morning.” “Sounds good. Daisy?” “I'm going to make sure he's okay. I”ll find you in a few.” Basira just shrugs and heads towards the tunnels. “I'm fine.” He insists. “Well, yeah. It's not like you could have nightmares about this.” “Oh- yes.” He laughs. “Sorry for then uh-” “I told you it was fine.” “Just-” Jon swallows. “Thank you- for-” “I got it.” “Alright.” “Good night Jon.”

Forty Winks Abysmal in every way, -5 stars, couldn't stand it.  I got another joke, though, ready? What do you get when you cross spiders and corn? Cobwebs. - LonelyEyes

Helen and Melanie join them in the morning, just for the sake of solidarity, they tell him. It's relatively tame- well- the gore is everywhere and the animatronics move like they're alive- but Jon's gotten over his Spiral fear ages ago, especially with Helen sitting next to him. The only real horrific part of that viewing experience was Melanie in Helen's lap, both of them apparently trying to swallow each others tongues the entire time. He honestly wasn't even aware Helen had a tongue until he watched it lick Melanie's lips for five minutes straight. Basira's asleep again too, rough night apparently, head in Daisy's lap. And he's between them alone, fumbling with the cheap disk drive.

Nightmare Children This one is....almost good. The monsters feel cheap though. The people I watched this one with were to distracted having sex to actually react to the movie, so it's at least that bad. 2.5 stars. Maybe my joke could distract them from each other? I felt so guilty after I stepped on a spider this morning. You should of seen him, he looked genuinely crushed. – LonelyEyes

Jon has to hold Daisy's hand again. The way the dolls move is- is just too close to- Helen and Melanie unceremoniously excused themselves half way through, clearly more entertained with each other then with a cheap evil doll movie. Basira left too, also half way through. She had an appointment she forgot about, apparently. “How many more of this do we have left?” “Just three, I think.” Daisy reaches over and picks up the three disks, holding them out for him like a fan of cards. “Homestretch.” Jon smiles and picks the middle one, cleaning the finger prints off on his shirt. “This entire thing feels kind of- I don't know. A waste of time?” Daisy shrugs. “Maybe after this you could show me a good movie.” Jon puts in the disk and tries not to swell on far reaching implications.

Toy Shop Another trite romance, can this guy do anything else? And this is the second evil doll movie? He should try and work with mannequins. Those could actually scare people. 1.5 stars. My coworker wanted to write a joke but I don't really get it. He's a good kid though. What part of a computer does a spider use? The webcam. – LonelyEyes

They both get up and walk around, mostly out of boredom. The last one really was- Bad. He can say bad. Boring, even. Daisy stares at him while he smokes. “Just two more.” He says. It's really become a slog. But then the more something goes on for the more it's a given that it'll turn dull and derivative. “I don't know if I should hope for a exciting ending or not. Either it's a good film, which means it's scary or its another eight hours of wasting time.” “This was your idea.” “Isn't it time people stop letting me have those?” Daisy laughs.

Under New York Tight spaces? That's it? A few collapsed tunnels, a few abandoned subways? A lake? I was ready to get upset about how this movie was treating its monster (mole people by the way, like it's the fifties) but then you realize it's trying to be clever with a “man was always the real monster” and oh, just throw the entire production away. Couldn't think of something more dull if I tried. -2 stars. What do you call two young married spiders? Newly webs!  Well. They can't all be great. – LonelyEyes

When they try and stop the movie, the laptop freezes and keeps going. The door is, at this point in their lives, unsurprisingly locked. They can't even get the sound off. Watching Daisy have an attack is nightmarish. She doesn't get violent- he doesn't know why he thought he would, but she goes completely still, and he could see the tension in ever single muscle. Her eyes go dull, she looks anywhere but the wall it's projected on. “Daisy- Daisy listen to me-” He has to yell over the volume. “Daisy you're not there!” He tries to push her off of the couch but she's a solid rock of muscle that Jon couldn't really push around regularly. So of course, he does the one thing that comes to mind which he is sure is nothing short of an unspeakably good idea, and punches Daisy in the face. She's not frozen anymore, good, but she's staring at Jon like he's a meal, bad. He does try to at least get to the other side of the couch before Daisy lunges after him. They're both on the ground, and in Jon's desperate attempt to get away the project gets turned over and displays some poor man crawling through a tunnel on the ceiling. She grabs his hair and pulls and the pain shoots right down his spine, almost blinding. It barely compares to when she slams his head down on the floor. His nose bleeds onto their clothes, and just as shes about to do it again, he kicks out and yells her name. Any realization, any kind of flash of reality before she bashes his skull it would be great really. “Make it stop!” It's a howl more then a yell, loud and dangerous. “Make the crushing stop!” “I'm-” Trying, is what he was going to say, before Daisy decks him across the face, and more of that searing hot pain makes him feel like his face is on fire. He kicks at the her- at the desk- at anything he can before she swings again, harder, connects with his jaw. It's hard enough that it splits her knuckles open. Somewhere between the kicking and the begging and the collective screaming, the laptop falls off of the desk behind the couch, and the projector displays it's bright blue no input found screen and Jon lets himself fall back on the cool floor. “Fuck.” Her hair is a mess around her face, blood on her cheeks, probably his, breathing hard. “Jon-” He can practically see the way she comes back to herself- her pupils dilate for a moment before she settles- getting off of him. “Jon-” Like she hasn't even noticed. “I'm fine.” He's not- they can both tell instantly when the words come out with a wheeze. He can't feel any inch of his face. “Just need some ice. That's all.” “I'm-” “I'm okay. Really. This will fix itself in an hour at most.” She doesn't say anything after that, but heads upstairs – door's unlocked, who would have thought – and comes back with an ice pack. “Let me look.” Before he has a chance to argue she's holding his face, twisting it every way. “I'll be fine, Daisy.” He insists, even if it hurts to move his jaw right now. “Your hands.” She seems almost surprised to find blood there. “Well.” She sits him up and presses the icepack to his chin. “You weren't lying about getting stronger.” Jon laughs or tries to. Still hurts to much to actually commit. “One more movie?” “This sounds like an exceptionally bad idea.” “Can't be worse then the last one.”  

Widow's Weave Trite, really, but even a cold hard critic like me has to admit. The spider looked great. 4.0 stars. Why are spiders like tops? They are always spinning! – LonelyEyes

He feels his face knit itself back together just as he realizes what he's about to see on screen. Daisy holds his hand with her battered knuckles before Jon has to turn away. All he can see is Mr. Spider behind a random door, leering and waiting, curling his arms invitingly. “Don't you know good boys come when they're called?” Someone says in the movie, and Jon almost bolts out of the room. Well, he would have. If the door wasn't locked again. “Jon, come here.” He does, because he knows her voice- because he can trust her voice- He stops a few steps from the couch. Can he? She grabs his hand anyway and pulls him on top of her, face into the crook of her neck. “It's not real.” “That's never stopped it before.” He whispers. “Don't focus on it. Focus on me. On my voice. That's good for you right? Voices?” He doesn't know what's good for him. Until she tells him about Calvin. He's heard this before, of course, but that was Elias doing his- their trick- and now it's Daisy, by choice,  voice low in his ear and a hand on his back. He feels ready to run a marathon once she's done, filled with energy he hasn't had in a while. In a long while. But she doesn't let him go regardless, because the film keeps going and he can still hear the staccato accompaniment when ever the spider moves. So she tells him again, how she ripped Nikola's dolls apart, how she set a vampire on fire, how she met Basira, story after story after story that fed him more then anyone else ever has. He doesn't even notice the film ending. It's past midnight. “Are you alright?' He pulls away and she gives him a smile. She has a bruise where he punched her. “Aces.”

[flockofdoves]

gotta sleep but seriously considering if i should quit this job everyones nice and its only been 2.5 weeks but god my chronic pain and fatigue has been flaring up so much worse between how dramatically different my hours are each day so i never can get adequate sleep and then being on my feet doing physical labor 4-9 hours almost every day and the customers (that much is unavoidable but in combo tho..) i’m been constantly in so much pain and at first i was just like ‘oh its bc im out of shape my muscles are just growing’ but i cant eat or sleep properly on this schedule its constantly rushing you to do something and it makes me so upset because i think i could do fine if i just had like. a fucking chair or could mix up what i do so its not hust constant pressure on my right arm (esp since im short i slice at an awkward angle our tables are taller than im used to slicing on) and if having us understaffed constantly wasnt a well known business strategy bc keeping us high strung and overstaffed and getting out late constantly is more profitable than having adequate staffing and getting out on time without mistakes. and i like that they pay us every week but hate only getting a schedule for the next week like not even 2 weeks even though we have to notify them of absences 15+ days ahead so idk what im doing sunday til thursday evening and ig thats making me more depressed than it normally would because ive finally been hanging out with friends in chicago and then my cousin is visiting who i havent seen in 12 years but i havent had the time to do anything with anyone. mostly though im just in so much physical pain and am constantly sleep deprived and that actually resulted in me bumping a car today (no damage fortunately but i almost had a panic attack in the middle of my street it was so embarrassing i was just parking and had to call my mom to come doen bc i didnt know how insurance stuff worked and so many people saw it)

and i feel so dumb for it ive only worked on shift 11 days so far and have been hired for a little less than a month and all my coworkers are so nice and id feel guilty to leave them when even with me theyre so clearly understaffed even though thats not my fault but god idk how im gonna sustain this. i dont know how to compromise my health and my tendency to flake out when things are hard but here i genuinely think this is too much i just at least want a job i can sit at... maybe even ideally one with more regular hours or schedules with 2 weeks notice instead of one.. but god even that is so hard to find like intellectually its not surprising i know how capitalism works and the reserve army of labor and all but god idk. i guess i keep having hope it might be Somewhat okay for me but its really just so hard no matter what. i dont know how to balance being kind to myself and my body with also freling stupid about claiming i “cant” do it when i know people who are similarly chronically ill who dont have petty bourgeois family who still largely financially support them and so cant quit jobs that are slowly destroying them like this. like of course none of use should have to deal with this but its so scary what does it mean to me to confront that ive seen statistics that 50% of people with both fibromyalgia and chronic fatigue syndrome are unemployed. i wouldnt think it of anyone else but im so useless as a leech on my loved ones and havent even been involved with organizing this past month either

anyways. if anyone knows jobs where you can

sit

not do too much repetitive body motions ideally

will allow me to fit 9 hours of sleep into my schedule each day

i dont need a college degree

have a semi regular or reliable schedule to plan around

i know thats asking a lot out of an “entry level” job rven with my 2 years experience in food service/ordering inventory/catering/marketing/etc from my coop but id love ideas lol. or just general advice i hate this shit so much

[overbakedone]

1

this is the first time i've ever started writing my thoughts and feelings anywhere before. this is not easy.

instead of writing things and then deleting it all because its not good enough or it sounds stupid i'm just going to write it now and stop backspacing. i guess i should start with where i am in life right now so there is some perspective.

im 25, im a bakers apprentice, i live with my parents, i have a girlfriend, lets call her ‘C’ who for the first time feels right to me despite everything, i barely have any friends, they don't ever want to see me, i don't have much time in my life right now, i work all night and struggle to fit sleep into my schedule. but things are really the best they have ever been for me. i just started an AFL 9′s competition, weird i usually have no confidence going into these things and will either quit after the first practice or not even show up, i really kinda enjoyed it and am excited for next week.

i've wanted to start writing anything for a few months now, i guess now i have some time. time is so fucked up, i wish there was more of it, i wish i could sleep without wasting my day, i wish i didn't have to compromise sleep for everything but i do, i guess its part of being a baker, its a job i am loving and i think i've found my life passion but it has its ups and downs. my partner C expects a lot of my time i guess, she can be very needy at times, demanding almost, sometimes i feel pressured by her to sacrifice my sleep, personal plans and hobbies and interests for her, but i know what she feels, she wants the same thing i do. she has problems making friends, or keeping friends, she feels isolated and alone, and she wants my companionship, and i want that too and despite anything i feel in the moment i always feel happy about her at the end of the day.

i should be grateful for the relationship i am in right now, i really should be grateful for a lot of stuff, my parents for allowing me to stay here still, being so supportive and also allowing and accepting of me and really tolerant of the shit i do. ok so i do smoke week every day right so that's already something to do at home that's difficult, i'm pretty sure they know and don't care or even agree that my life has been better since i started smoking, fuck i used to be on antidepressants, i took one every day at a certain time, it made me feel a bit better, ok sounds just like smoking right, expect when i didn't take this pill i got nausea, headaches, severe episodes of depression, i couldn't eat my appetite was so fucked up i was eating one meal a day and it was like a piece of bread or takeaway food. since the smoking started i've found some actual passion in life, i don't feel like a useless number anymore i guess.

one of the things on my mind always is my friends, since i was in highschool i havent really had a group of friends, i feel like i am a social person but then when it comes to it i feel like i just get burned. a lot of my old friends turned out to be secretly hating me and not wanting me around, some sort of pity friendship, i was an asshole in my time and honestly was not a good friend myself, do you pay for the dumb shit you do as a teenager, the people you fuck over go from your life completely yet new people you meet do the same things to you like they know. i had/have a long term best friend, J, we had been mates for years, we worked at my old job dominoes together for a bit, and kinda hung out a few times, but not until we got into PC gaming together did we form a bond. after that we would chat every day, play games together, watch the footy together, go places even though he lived across the city from me. one thing that changed massively in my life was i quit drinking alcohol, and then i felt like all my friends both disagree with my choice and resent me for it, like for some reason i have to take the same drugs they are taking at that time to be their friends. so J has just grown more and more distant, i get that we are older now, we both have partners, jobs that take a lot of our time, but then when we hang out or talk he seems disinterested, more interested with his friends that i introduced him to (from our discord server) and has seemingly replaced me, none of these guys i really like at all, in fact the only one of the new group i like is the one girl in it because she actually has interesting things to say.

fuck that was a paragraph, i guess i should talk about alcohol.

alcohol has fucked up my life, i cant repair the mistakes and stupid things i did while drinking alcohol, so they are there, i guess its just talking about it left. to start off, when i drink alcohol i have a hard time finding my limit, i feel like i swing from nothing to completely blacked out, puking, sobbing and basically hating myself very quick, i feel sick for days after drinking, barely able to eat, leave bed, move, i feel so nauseous and tired, its so fucked up what it does to your body, but oh your mind is even worse. i've broken off relationships, cheated, threatened people, gotten into fights, brawls, got my arm broken, hurt myself repeatedly, gotten arrested and a criminal record that may prevent me from going to canada next year, and is currently delaying booking flights, ive missed work, shown up drunk same clothes no shower to work, but the main thing that alcohol does to me is makes me sad. alcohol makes me so fucking sad, it makes me reach into the deepest pits i can think of and brings out all the emotions that are in there, my ex being the main one. every time i used to drink id think of her, call her, text her, go on her facebook, look up her instagram her twitter, fuck it drive my car to her house to see if her cars there like that does anything or means anything just fucking alcohol is so stupid. i never want to feel like that again, i never want to sabotage my life, sabotage and self destruct my relationships, but i guess losing my friends is the thing i have to take in consideration. australia is a fucked up place, where drinking heavily is the social norm and if you don't get fucked up or even have a beer with mates you're a loser.

i just want a deep connection with my friends. when i was in newcastle with my partner, i  met her friends there that she had been living with, despite the fucked up things that happened to her there, she lost a lot of friends herself and a long time friend, had trouble finding new ones, trouble fitting in, the friends she had there were the most honest and truly welcoming, connecting people ive met, and i miss that. i miss having a friend you can just, go over to their place, sit around for 3-4 hours talking shit, laughing, listening to music, relaxing and sharing stories and shit. weird that people can have such an effect on you in a short time. the life i live here is full of making plans, only for them to be cancelled, inviting friends over, for nobody to show up, cancelled plans all the fucking time, i've never been asked to just come over and chill, never its always some group thing that i'm invited to as well. i even try talking to them about this, i told a group of girl friends i have, i miss you all and haven't seen you in so long, we need to have a casual hangout, and the message was almost completely ignored, i asked them all to come to mind to watch the grand final, the house was free, i got a big projector screen, big comfy couch, live central right in the middle of everyone, nobody even replied or brought it up again, yet the second someone else that lives in the far corners of perth brought it up everyone started chatting about their plan to go. so if that's not my friends making it obvious they don't want to see me, they only include me then thats fucked up. i don't know what to say, this happens all the time, my 21st birthday i invited 65 people, and less than 15 people showed up. its hard to keep trying, always trying, i always try to make social events, i always ask friends what they are doing, when they can see me, make plans, they get cancelled, they are busy, they say they're coming then don't show up, most of the time i never hear a word too, they just dont show and don't even apologize, is that a fair thing to do, yeah sometimes i dont go to my friends events, i'm too fucking tired or just don't feel like going, somethings come up, i tell them straight away i cant make it i'm sorry this has come up, yet i don't get the same courtesy.

am i an unlikable person

the guys at work seem to like me, so i started a baking apprenticeship, basically i started watching great british bake off and picked it up as a hobby, making cakes and stuff, actually i should go back. so i used to work in some shitty small software company in the city, 9-5, peak hour traffic, office drama, workplace bullies, understaffed, overworked, red tape and bullshit everywhere, i quit after 2.5 years for mental health reasons, i made a lot of money but had to move on, so i spent a year off , it was only supposed to be a few months, go on a holiday road trip with my then partner, S, she broke up with me via a text message right after eagles lost to melbourne at home, basically the footy game was more disappointing, we had a shit relationship, i think i resented her, i cheated on her, yeah i'm an awful person and deserve everything, she was an emotionally manipulative person, terrified of her own body and sex, tried to dominate my life and change me, im glad we broke up. so i stayed unemployed for a long time, over a year, barely looking, until i found this baking apprenticeship, not only did i apply for the job and write a completely custom cover letter (im so fucking lazy i usually close a job application the second it requires anything more than an apply button) AND i called back a few weeks later when i heard nothing, well turns out that call landed me the job, the apprentice they hired instead of me was useless, had no passion and was a slow worker. so i got the job, and basically have been killing it ever since, i get a lot of praise at work (lots of criticism too) baking is one of those things that takes time, its all about time, so i got a lot to learn but i am actually confident once in my life, holy shit i have a job i like and am good at. is this the dream?> lol 

so today i started writing my feelings down, and its kinda felt good, but i'm exhausted now, and my fingers hurt, so this is the end of my first post, i hope nobody reads it, its really just for me but i don't know. 

thanks for listening   i guess 

[pebblysand]

Author Interview Tag

Author Interview Game

Thank you sooooo much for the tag @tessiete​ this has actually made my day! I fucking love writing about writing (bit self-indulgent, I know) and reading other people’s writing about writing and oh, god, I’m so excited!!

Name: pebblysand

Fandoms: from beginning to end - Without A Trace, House, Spooks/MI:5, The Good Wife, Silk, Harry Potter (although, technically, that was probably the first one - my mum’s best friend said she had to read HP because from age 6 to age 10 it was all I ever consented to talk about). 

Where you post: AO3 and FF. 

Behind the cut cause this post is loooong. 

Most popular oneshot: 

So, the first thing I need to confess is: I geek over AO3 and FF analytics. I always cross-post simultaneously and find the difference (and similarities) between the websites and their audiences, and the way it reflects in the feedback on my work, absolutely fascinating. I mean, I’m doing the following based on kudos for AO3 and on favourites for ff and the first fic on AO3 is twelth in ranking on ff. The first fic on ff is ninth on AO3. They’re the same stories posted at the same time! Why the difference? Can someone please conduct a sociological study of both websites because I’m digging this. 

However, even more interesting: the second most popular story is the same on both. It’s also one I really don’t like. Isn’t that mad?

Anyway, onto the nitty-gritty. 

AO3: Truth (Peaky Blinders)

I like parts of this one. It was the first thing I wrote after years of not writing and I think it might have suffered a bit from that kind of stiffness in my writing muscles. Obviously, it was also so linked to the end of series 3 that it ended up being AU quickly after series 4 came out, which is a bit annoying. I think I also may have made Tommy a bit too intense in this one? I don’t know. There are parts of it that I really do like, though. I really, really love the structure, and the opening is probably my all time favourite in anything that I’ve written (a very close race with Once for TGW, tbh). 

Anyway, I always think it’s a bit funny that this one became the most popular (by far by the way) out of everything I’ve ever written because it was such a flop when I posted it hahah. Got like three kudos and one comment, and because I hadn’t written in so long, I remember thinking: ‘ah, that’s it, then, I’m shite.’ Little did I know! Now, it’s just been steadily getting more and more love with every month that passes and that just makes me so, so happy. I suppose that people just watch Peaky on Netflix and find the fic when they dig through the archive, give it kudos - it’s so, so lovely. I also recently got one of my favourite comments I’ve ever gotten on it (on FF) and it’s really made my day :). 

FF: Cannonballs (The Good Wife)

Again, one that was not very popular at the start (I seem to remember it had the lowest amount of favs for quite some time, actually) but has gradually grown to be popular-ish. I honestly haven’t read this is so long that I don’t really have an opinion on it but I do remember that it is the first thing I actually remember properly working on. I was eighteen when I wrote it and although I’d been writing for years prior to that, I’d always just kind of wrote stuff in one go, posted it and forgot about it. This one was the first one I really worked on, planned, edited, and I remember re-reading it a couple of years back and thinking it was probably the first one that makes me not cringe now. Overall, I do like that it’s popular now. 

Most popular multichap: 

(Full disclosure, I’ve only ever written two multichaps, both happen to be listed here)

AO3: Children (Silk)

My baby. My love. On and off, between writing, first posting, then editing and reposting - 2.5 years of work. It is a ridiculously niche fandom but sure look, I’m so proud of it. I’d always thought I was a one-shot kind of girl, that I was incapable of writing and framing a long-form story, and yet, here I am. I am madly proud of this. 

FF: Castles (Harry Potter)

Sheer force of numbers, here, to be honest. It’s only two chapters in, and already two kudos short of overpowering Children on AO3, which I’m guessing will make it most popular across the board, just because the fandom itself is so large. 

I will say this: I’ve had this story in my head for years and I think part of the reason why I’m only writing it now is that after years of writing in nice, niche fandoms where you could easily read all the fics available in a few days and make friends with readers because everyone kind of knew each other, I finally have the backbone to face the Potter fandom. Because fuck, as much as I love the books and have gotten absolutely lovely, thoughtful comments on this throughout the past few weeks, God can that fandom be brutal.

And, don’t get me wrong: I’ve had constructive criticism on a number of my fics in the past, including very niche ones. Even if it does sometimes hurt a bit, it’s always helped me better my writing. I remember for instance one chapter of Children where someone wrote in that they were confused and couldn’t follow the narrative. I was a bit annoyed at first but in the end, it made me rethink the chapter and rewrite it, and they were 100% correct. That’s the whole point of constructive criticism/debates in comments. 

The Potter fandom has that, no doubt. I’ve had super interesting discussions in comments and overall the response and feedback has been incredible, like I’ve never even dreamt of before. This being said, I’ve also gotten more shit than I’ve had in any other fandom. For instance: the story picks up after the war (starts in May 1998). The summary reads: “To him, the spring of '98 is about sex and funerals.” - which is a line taken from the fic itself. When you labour over something for hours on end and the first comment you get is: “first learn when spring season starts and ends before writing a story about it. what a joke.” it’s a bit disheartening, to say the least. 

And, I know. First of all, yes, that person is an idiot and clearly doesn’t know when spring ends and summer starts themselves because summer only technically starts on the 21st of June. Secondly, even if I’d gotten it wrong, I didn’t write a story about the seasons, you idiot. It’s clearly a line taken from the story. Lastly, learn how to punctuate and spell. Now, I’m 27. I know that. I can disregard that. But even then it still feels like shit. If I’d gotten that kind of trolling when I was younger, I’m not sure I’d still be writing today. I really admire younger writers who start out on Potter - I was very afraid until now, tbh.

Favorite story you’ve written: 

This, I really don’t know. I was trying to pick one but I think my favourite one is almost always the one I’ve either just written or am writing now. For a long time, I really loved Once. I also really liked Daisies and Dreams. I obviously love Children although I think I’ve spent so much time writing and editing it that it’ll take a bit of time for me to really appreciate it without also self-editing in my head, if that makes sense. 

Right now, though, I love Castles. I think it’s the best piece of writing I’ve ever written. When the next one comes around, I hope that’s the best piece of writing I’ve ever written. That means progress. 

Fic you were nervous to post: 

Castles for reasons explained above. I love HP but I don’t think big fandoms in general are my thing. I like decent-sized fandoms. Like, TGW-size, back in the day, was perfect. Even as a reader, it’s also fucking hard to find good fic due to the sheer mass of stuff out there. Where do you even start?

How you choose your titles: 

Castles, Children, Daisies, Truth, Mistakes, Dreams, Before, Once, Cannonballs - hello, do you detect a pattern here :D?

Jokes aside, yeah, I like one-word titles. Believe it or not, though, it hadn’t occurred to me that I always seemed to gravitate towards them until @orbythesea on AO3 pointed it out to me. To be honest, even the fics that don’t materially have one-word titles have one-word titles in my head. Like, Horses Made of Sticks is actually just Horses, in my head. I should probably have called it Horses. 

How do I choose? Depends. Sometimes, they come from songs (Castles, Children, Daisies). Sometimes, it’s quotes, concepts from the show/book, or sometimes it just fits. Like, Once, Dreams and Truth couldn’t really have been called anything else, they’re just what the fics are about. 

Do you outline? 

Yes, always. For one-shots, I usually have an outline on my phone or part of the word file I’m writing the fic in itself, just a list of scenes or quotes that come to me at random points during the day that I will forget if I don’t write them down. I am very forgetful of my own brilliance hahaha. 

For longer stuff, I usually have the general plot in my head from beginning to end before I start writing. Then, chapter by chapter, I plan with a blank A4 sheet of papers that I fill with post-its describing different scenes, a little bit like a paper version of those boards they have in writers’ rooms. It helps me physically see where scenes fall, where holes are. I do the same thing for original fiction. 

For reference, one for Children (chapter 9) would have looked like that. They’re definitely not set in stone, though. Lots of times I’ll change stuff on the spot, big or small. Scenes that pop up randomly or get deleted because they worked in my head but not on paper, sometimes moved (sometimes moved to other chapters even). Here, “Alice” later became “Charlotte” and that “eye-fucking” (LOL) scene never happened. 

Complete: 

I think they’re all complete? I never completed that alphabet-based collection of House one-shots but it was a collection and they were shite anyways. They’re not missed, lol. 

Of course, Castles is incomplete, but that’s just my current WIP. 

In progress: 

As I said, Castles. Also a piece of original fiction that I’m not sure where to post. Like, what do people do with short stories? Where do you post that shit online? Can anyone help?

Coming soon/not yet started: 

No idea. I’m a one-project-at-a-time kind of gal. 

Prompts: 

I love prompts. Send me all the prompts. Especially three-sentence-story prompts. God, I miss those. 

Upcoming Work You’re Most Excited About: 

I mean, again, Castles. 

No pressure tags: I have no one to tag because I’m not really in fandom anymore but if anyone sees this and wants to do this, please be my guest. Again, I love reading about other people’s writing and writing processes because we’re all different and it’s fascinating. 

Also, if anybody’s got theories about ff v. AO3 tastes and readership, hit me up, I could speculate for hours. 

And thanks again @tessiete​ for tagging me

[ts-hvv4]

EPISODE SIX: “HOW HAVE THESE PEOPLE NOT VOTED ME OUT YET DO THEY KNOW WHO I AM??” - SHARIFA

Well. Olivia was just voted out. NED and MALIK being real sneaky bitches. Though I guess I can’t complain too much considering that OLIVIA and I did try to blindside MALIK. I knew this wasn’t a good idea. I told her it was crazy. And now I’m on the bottom and probably next to go if we lose the immunity challenge. Of all the people to be stuck with now, this is not how I wanted the game to go.

Never has my opinion of someone changed so rapidly as seeing MALIK’s reactions to OLIVIA’s goodbye messages. The only thing I want to do in this game now is make sure MALIK does not win.

CHRIS told me that him, DENNIS and NED voted for OLIVIA. Which means MALIK and ANDREAS voted for me. All five of them need to leave this game ASAP. Tinky Winky for life. Currently trying to work my hardest at getting back in the good graces of CHRIS and DENNIS at the very least. I’m hoping I can work with them and dump MALIK next tribal if we go to it.

I really did like Keegan, and I was feeling guilty about trying to go for Olivia, and then they made it easier by targeting me LMAO so now I’m just whatever with him. Maybe we can talk about it if he comes to me but he got cold towards me since the plan to get me out started, so imma just keep my distance from him. Sucks though, I didn’t think he was a cool guy. But in better news: IM SO HAPPY SHE IS GONE!! She kept coming for me for god knows what. She was supposed to be my ally but kept trying to get me sent home and tried to say no hard feelings..girl no. I also heard from Ned that Jake was curious at Olivia leaving, so I feel like he doesn’t really care for my well being like I thought so at this point I’m starting to look at all of my previous allies sideways because they could all feel this way, mainly sharifa because she confided with me about how Olivia was one of the ones talking about me and olivias been trying to get me out but she wanted her to stay?? I’m sticking to teen titans for now and imma try to feel Kurt out if I ever get back to him because no ones said how he really feels.

Okay so i have grown such an immense bond with Sharifa, that’s obvious, but now jake too. It’s tricky because it’s hard to let someone else into our relationship however Sharifa and I play it in a way where we have jake believe that both of us are closer to him than we are to each other. Ideally he believes that he is a potential final 2 with both Sharifa or myself, if it comes down to that. In reality, as much as I’m growing to love my fellow f@g Jake, Sharifa is my ride our die. Final 3 on the other hand, it’s us 3 villain winners all the way.

So... after tribal Keegan came to me and was kind of salty about the whole thing ... which makes sense considering 2 hours before tribal Olivia called me and she wanted to vote Malik and I went with it and told her how I couldn’t wait to play with her. Obviously all lies but I had to do that. She ate it up which kind of sucked but whatever. Keegan expresses he wants to be a free agent but quite frankly I’d rather he just leave. Him being on this tribe has not helped me at all, he rarely speaks to me and it seems like he isn’t interested in working with me so .... I guess bye ??

Yall how did i not get sandra'd...HOW HAVE THESE PEOPLE NOT VOTED ME OUT YET DO THEY KNOW WHO I AM?????? Basically, Nicklas and friends wanted Kage out BAD and thought they could take the shot because I kept telling them how badly I wanted to vote out Trent. What they don’t know is I still have Trent on my side KNOWING that, because I told him I was getting the target on him SOOOO I could play the idol on him. I’m securing Trents loyalty because I’m dangling a treat over his head AFLKDSA. BASICALLY I BLEW UP HIS GAME TO THE OTHER SIDE AND HE’S SO GRATEFUL TO ME….IM A HORRIBLE PERSON. Who runs the world? Villains. But let’s be clear, Armonia Villians got fucking lucky. Nicklas steered the vote onto Kage because he’s a smart mother fucker truly. I’m hoping I can outwit them through my relationship with Trent and telling him about the idol. I know everyone would be scared to have so many people know about a idol, but i think that’s because most people look at idol’s for self preservation, when I think they’re better served as tools for longevity. Look at Yul, he never had to use his idol at tribal, because he used it to secure loyalty and instil fear, and that’s how I’m going to use this one.

So Olivia got voted out and I was really fearful of that happening...mostly I feel a lot of guilt because I'm partly to blame. I was the one who blew up her game to Ned, because I wanted him to trust me the most in the game, but that was before Olivia and I got close. So Ned’s been on a warpath out for her blood because he’s vengeful as fuck, and I kept placating him because she was becoming a closer ally to me. AND I TOLD HIM THAT. But one thing I’ve learned about Ned, is if he feels you crossed him, he will hunt you down and put your head on a spike for the whole village to see. The second I saw how the swap broke down, I knew the chances of Ned and Malik flipping on Olivia were HIGH, and I think that’s exactly what happened, especially because I know Ned played a game with Andreas before. With Olivia leaving, my game takes a huge hit (AND SO DOES NED’S BUT HE DOESN'T THINK LONG TERM). But my greatest skill in these games is my ability to adapt to whatever situation. So I went on a 2.5 hour call with Sarah and bonded with her...she’s fucking crackdt and I’m actually a stan KLFJA I LOVE HER. I’ll be honest I did it for game reasons, with Olivia voted out I lost a number and I need another one, but what was surprising is I didn’t realize Sarah could be an important person for my game?? She’s crazy don’t get me wrong KLFAD, but she’s very transparent and blunt, and I can use that. I had a gut feeling to tell her about my idol and I did, and she then revealed to me she had the swap idol. We formed an f2 called “The Idol Sisters” and swore each other to secrecy...I then IMMEDIATELY went and told Jake and Kurt adfkajs. I think I’ve done a good job of integrating myself into the Sarah/Matt/Nicklas faction, and I think that’s where I need to invest my energy right now. I know Sarah and Jake are close (closer than either one will admit) so I’m trying to get something set up with Jake/Sarah/Matt/Me. Kurt and I talked about leaving him out of it, so he can pursue something with Lukas. The difference between the games I’ve won, and the games I’ve lost, is knowing all the relevant information in the game. Having the relationships I have is going to give me access to the intel I need to make the moves that are best for MY game, but it’s a *Baylor voice* sticky situation because I’m weaving so many relationships over each other. I’m trying to implement a trust tier system so I can cover my basis; Kurt is at the top and knows everything, then Jake knows everything but my relationship with Kurt, then Trent knows everything but The Cock Destroyers (I CAN'T BELIEVE I LET THESE GAYS NAME OUR ALLIANCE THAT GODDDD IM HOMOPHOBIC NOW), and then Sarah, then Nicklas, then Matt and so on and so forth. And I'm securing all these loyalties by owning up to the fact that I'm a villain to people I don’t trust, but in the same breath touting the fact that I'm fiercely loyal, as seen by my final 2's with L'Shei and Jakey in Tonga and Generations. These people should know better than to trust me and I’m going to exploit the fuck out of it because I'M A VILLAIN HELLO. But it means at the merge I’m going to have to be very methodical about how I take people out, because any wire I cut can set the bomb off. This whole premerge has been about storing away the resources I’ll need to run the merge, so when I hit the merge beach...call me the grim reaper cause my scythe is hungry for blood and mother death needs to be fed. 

It's been a while since I've sent one of these and a ton has happened. I am still working super close with the OG Ammonia Villains. We share all idol searches and clues and I think we really do trust each other. When we lost the first immunity after swap it was chaos. I was the target for a long time, until people realized how sketchy Kage was acting. According to Sharifa, I was the target due to being super close with Olivia.  They figured I would flip to her if I got the chance, and wanted to take me out before it was too late. But Kage was being sketchy and throwing out names like crazy and leaking things to everyone, that people realized he was a much more dangerous wild card.  Sharifa is convincing the other villains (not including the OG Ammonia 4) that she does not like me and wants me out soon. This is to make sure they tell her when they are voting me, so we can have a plan. Olivia going actually helped me a ton though. I no longer have a "duo" or anyone i have a connection with so i am no longer dangerous. I can play a Natalie Anderson type game now where I pretend to be with everyone, and then take them out one by one. According to Sharifa again, who is basically my informant when it comes to Matt Summers, who will barely talk with me, he no longer wants me out. And wants to go into merge villain strong. Which I'm fine with for a bit. The good thing about this merge (if it's next) is I don't think I'm going to be a huge target. There are 4 former winners going into merge and i'm working with 3 of them. Which means i'm practically surrounded by shields. I'd be very surprised if anyone comes after little ole me this early on in the merge. Hopefully I can get close to some of these heroes and be like IDK why I'm a villain i dont fit in with these people, and work them socially to trust me. It'll be tough but I think it's possible. 

So I took immunity L pretty badly! I mean I get it was a given that we might lose but its just sucky. I can handle letting myself down but letting other people down is quite upsetting because I don't like to make other people unhappy.

I did tell Keegan everything about the vote so he didnt feel too left out but also so he is less likely to vote me and sure enough today he has a plan to target Dennis/Andreas supposedly. I want gain any traction but yeah. So at least I am safe!

I feel like I’m in a great spot! I have a lot of bridges built and a lot of insight on other people’s relationships. I’ll admit that a lot of these bridges aren’t super sturdy (as a result of my shitty response time to people messaging me), but if there was a vote tonight I think I’d be very well-connected. I’m in an alliance with Matt and Sarah which I totally love! They make me happy. That being said, there isn’t an ounce of me that would want Matt to go far into this game, so that alliance is nothing more than a pleasantry. I used Olivia’s boot (so sad) as a tool to get closer to Sharifa and Kurt. I love Kurt. Sharifa is going to be a major juror, so I want her to like me. As for other people- I see Trent as an outsider. I think he has a few scattered connections here and there but I’ve been throwing his name out a lot so people think I’m open to game talk. Nicklas is either super disconnected or weirdly confident in some secret bonds I don’t know about. Jake seems a little disconnected as well, but I think he could be here for awhile if he plays his cards right. In the event of a merge, I want to play it safe and really pound the same few names over and over to make my game appear one-dimensional (those names being Trent and Malik). I’ll try to stick to the villain tribe lines until they crumble, in which case I think I’ve positioned myself in a way where I won’t be a causality of that collapse. I’m having fun!

You know that feeling of “I’m Doomed” and there’s nothing you can do to change it? Yeah that’s me right now.

Jeopardy queen has entered the chat So we been getting lots of tea thanks to my girl Sharifa... First off I found out from her that Sarah has the idol that was on this tribe.  INCH RESTING. Then at thera ned tells me about the messy vote and tells me that he’s working with andreas and likes Sarah and then it hits me... in my last game with Sarah I was told that andreas is her best friend. So bitch. We keeping an eye out for that. But I think I’m better connected now than I was before... Sarah wants to work w me sharifa and kurt and I think it’s because she knows ned was working with us. I’m also really close with Nicklas but I worry if I disclose too much info to him and it gets out then I’m fucked LOL. But Sharifa wants to work with him too so I hope we can incorporate him in a group because I’m not trying to fuck him over in this game. We love how I already made too many connections and am gonna be a messy bitch. Alsoooo I won an exile safety thing from thera because I’m THAT bitch. let’s hope I keep on popping offff

Immunity STREAK baby. Fuck the heroes they can suck a rock and have fun voting Keegan out. Ned is kind of a crackhead since it looks like he went for Olivia the previous tribal. It’s concerning because it knocks down our original tribe numbers and I just hope they don’t actually send Keegan home. That weakens us entirely going into merge because it is a huge vulnerability for Hydra (Ned, Sharifa, Jake, and myself’s final 4) seeing as people could take advantage of that and begin pagonging us. If anything and ANYONE had to go from my original tribe please god could it be Malik? He’s gotten very clingy and I don’t want to have to deal with a leech anymore.

So I’m growing tighter and tighter with Lukas which is good because I think I genuinely have him believing I’m on the outs and he is my closest ally. I do really love him and will try to keep him in as long as I can, however when its time to cut him he’s got to go. I have a feeling he’d do the exact same thing to me.

Idk man. This is such a weird round. We lost (duh) and keegan is apparently not talking to anyone. So either something is up and I am not involved, or he has an Idol (which he hopefully won't use on me) OR he has given up?? Like what the heck is happening here. I want to believe in Chris and Andreas not turning on me. Ned has given everyone too much info from their side (he also might have their OG idol) and we literally just saved Malik. So.. Idk? stay tuned to see if the 14th curse stays with me, or if I will be able to break it...

I am WERKING to make sure I survive this tribal. DENNIS says he’s open. CHRIS says he’s open. NED is down since we have a thing going on. I’m trying to get ANDREAS involved. Again to hopefully vote out MALIK. Since that seems to be the safest option for the three OG MOLLY tribe members. Please god let this work.

This vote seems very... easy? I think everyone is tossing their votes on Keegan. I think we will some wonky stuff like 4-1-1 because someone will toss their vote on someone incase of an idol... and tbh i think it will be on me because I think people have enjoyed putting my name in their mouth lately. Anyways, Keegan is scrambling and has thrown out everyone's name left and right in order to stay. I am trying to find the fine line between not ignoring him but not leading him on, because that's just cruel TBH.

ANDREAS, DENNIS and CHRIS have all said they’re open and willing to voting MALIK over me. Whether or not they’re lying to me I can’t say for sure. However I do know that I’m putting in a hell of a lot of work to make this all happen. And honestly, I’ve never worked this hard in an ORG to try to flip the votes. I never realized before that it was even possible to go from being the unanimous vote off to possibly saving myself. I’m so glad I worked to make actual bonds with these guys during the swap. If I can pull this off, this might end up being an incredible move.

I am not a hero.

ANDREAS just told me that it’s going to be MALIK voted out tonight and if this is true I’ll actually start sobbing tears of joy. Thank god NICOLE decided to not have a tribal on call.

It's gotten weirdly quiet ... am i about to be blindsided? Stay tuned

[chrismaverickdotcom]

Choices need to be made... (a NO-SPOILERS Star Wars: The Last Jedi review)

(Note: I actually saw Star Wars: The Last Jedi Thursday night with Max, Steph and Jenn. I had grading to do today so that slowed down the review process. This was a weird movie to review, but as always I will try to keep it spoiler free, at least until the comment. But I mean, honestly, if you’re reading this, you’re going to see the movie anyway… and probably already have.)

One of my favorite books and favorite movies is Michael Chabon‘s Wonder Boys. Yeah, I bet you didn’t expect to see a Star Wars: The Last Jedi review start off like that, did you? I’m full of surprises. Trust me, I’ll get to the main event in a bit. Anyway, there are a lot of things I like about both the book and the film (I’m talking Wonder Boys here still) but there’s one point I want to bring up from both. At one point the characters share a piece of advice that I heard often from my creative writing mentor the late Hilary Masters: “writing is about making choices.” After sharing this, one character tells another (about the fictional novel that he is writing inside the book) that perhaps a problem is that he “didn’t make any choices at all.” Everything that he possibly could put in the book is in the book… including the family lineages of all the horses ridden by the all the characters.

One of the biggest complaints people have when they see a film adaptation of a book is “but the book was better, because the movie left out ____” Wonder Boys, the movie, leaves out one of my favorite subplots entirely. In fact, several characters (the main character’s wife and her siblings) are left out of the film which would drive that subplot. Eliminating the characters that weren’t needed to streamline the story for the screen was just a choice the filmmakers made. The movie was better for it.

Choices needed to be made.

In Star Wars: The Last Jedi, I’m afraid that Rian Johnson the director didn’t make any choices at all.

One of the biggest complaints people make about franchise tentpole films lately is that nothing really happens. They follow a formula and there’s not really a plot so much as a paint by numbers. That is not the problem here. There’s is certainly plot. SOOOO much plot… there’s plot just dripping out of this. There’s a LOT of movie here.

I’m glad I didn’t just review this last night when I watched it. I might have given it a really low score. I needed to let thing sink in and process. There is just so much going on. And at first I wasn’t sure if I liked that. Frankly, I’m still not. But I have had enough time to realize there are some things that I definite did like. There are also some things that I definitely didn’t.

Back when I reviewed Blade Runner 2049, I said that the film would have been better served if it had simply made up it’s mind that it was going to be a TV series rather than a movie. That’s probably what should have happened here as well. This is a 2.5 hour movie. There was enough going on that it probably could have been stretched out to eight and would have been better for it. And if it had to be a theatrical release… then some things needed to be edited out. And now that I’ve slept on it, I think I know what could have been removed in order to make it work better.

Finn!

Yeah… that’s right. Finn.

I can go into spoilers later in the comments and be more specific, but to do it without spoilers, I can say that… I just don’t care about Finn’s plot line at all in this movie. It is the least interesting thing that goes on, and honestly, it is almost entirely superfluous. I don’t want to say it doesn’t matter to the greater narrative. It does. But only because the film wants it to. With a few simple changes, the film could have been written in such a way that it just ignored him entirely.

That’s not to say that I don’t like him. He was one of my favorite parts of the previous film. Here, it just felt like he was here because he’s one of the stars of the franchise. And he needed to have something to do in order to justify paying the actor. There’s a good half an hour of content with him that honestly just belongs in a different movie entirely. If this had been a TV show, there’d just be Finn episodes. But since it’s a movie, he’s just cobbled together into the story and it comes together as somewhat distracting from the important things that are going on. There’s similarly other trimming that could have happened. But this is the big one. Had I written this movie I probably would have just left him out entirely. I recognize the issue with this as he is the sole black member of the cast and apparently Star Wars can only have one at a time (seriously, where the fuck is Lando?). But it really did feel like the film just needed to try way too hard to make sure he has *something* to do. It’s not that the plot line was awful. It just doesn’t belong in this movie… Choices have to be made.

On the other hand, there are things that I definitely did like. I’d say that Finn was the D plot line. The A plot line belongs to Rey. The B plot line belongs to Kylo Ren and the C plot line belongs to Poe Dameron. I liked all of these. But there was an integration problem.

One of my own personal chief complaints with The Force Awakens was that Rey was in fact, a Mary Sue. It’s what most of my review of that movie was about. That’s fixed here. The character now has nuance beyond “she’s the fanboy interpretation of what Luke would be from before, except now it’s a girl and she’s amazing!” There were places in this film where it felt like she struggled. There were places where it felt like she could lose. There were places where it felt like she grew. I enjoyed the way Daisy Ridley played her interactions with other characters, and there was enough going on that intrigued me that I honestly want to see more of her. In fact, there are a couple problems with this movie where they cut short some interesting things that she was doing to make room to explore the C and D plot lines… a problem that could have been alleviated by cutting the D plot. Again… choices.

Similarly, there was much growth for the Kylo Ren character. I still don’t personally like Adam Driver‘s interpretation of him, but that is just something that can’t be gotten away from given the last film. Choices were made back then that I didn’t necessarily agree with, and now we have to roll with them. Given what they were, I felt like there was definitely progression and depth in the character. Most of the things that I didn’t like with him are due to me not liking Driver’s performance. I can’t get lost in the character. I am simply too aware that it is Driver and not Kylo/Ben. That said, the choices that are written into this film make sense and in the places where his plot line touches Rey’s A plot, it really shines.

The C plot line with Poe is maybe the most interesting thing to analyze. In the previous film, I really didn’t give a shit about Poe. Not at all. He just didn’t seem to matter and I felt like “why didn’t this guy just die?!?!” And from what I’ve learned since, in early drafts he was supposed to. But they liked Oscar Isaacs and decided to keep him around, which ultimately left him not mattering at all in Episode VII. That’s sort of fixed here. He’s probably the most important part of this film. And while I did enjoy seeing his movie, it really is a different movie than the other three major plots. In fact, I may have been most invested in him as a character in this particular film, for similar reasons to the things that *I* liked about Rogue One and everyone else hated. What makes it weird is that this is the plot line that is used to tie the other three threads together. I think this is mostly because there was no way to tie in the D plot line to the A and the B, so it had to happen here. It was the one thing that could touch the other plots.

With all of the plot going on, one thing sort of suffered. The Star Warsiness of the movie. I actually kind of liked that… kind of. I like Johnson as a filmmaker a lot. I like the way in which he metatextually comments on the genre within the film. This happened a lot in Looper. What makes it weird here is that it felt very un-Star Wars. This whole movie felt tonally wrong. It felt more like his own vision of a Star Wars inspired space drama than it did like an installment of the original series. Sort of a Star Wars reimagined… only it’s not. It IS the main series. And that makes it feel weird. I typically like each installment of a film franchise to stand on its own as best as it can. Star Wars I give a little leeway to because they really are produced as chapters of of a longer work… but those chapters are generally very cohesive. They fit in place very well. This one very much doesn’t. And since I don’t see JJ Abrams following the same tonal shift in the next one… that’s going to be weird.

And it was weird in this one as well. Because about two hours into the movie, Rian Johnson suddenly remembered that he was making a Star Wars movie and collapsed the A, B and D plot lines all back into plot C. And to make it Star Warsy, he just kind of dumped a stock Star Wars set piece in. And this is the kind of thing that I expect a lot of people will love. It was very Star Warsy. And it sucked. I hated it. I love the Star Wars. But the film had sort of moved beyond that… and it was jarring to be brought back. There’s a definite point where it felt like the producers said “well, this is all fine and good, I guess… but where’s all the Star Wars? Give us some of the Star Wars here please” and so… they just did….  for no real reason.

That’s not to say that the movie is bad. This is not one of the prequels. But it’s a much more complex movie than Star Wars really has to be. Maybe more complex than it should be. The metacommentary sort of attempts to be a deeper film than I think anyone is necessarily looking for in a star wars movie. It struggles with not only the classic Star Wars themes of hope and destiny and good and evil, but also tries to delve deeper into their nature. Why hope? Does destiny exist? It also touches on issues of class, war, politics and race. And as I said earlier, it even questions the nature of the Star Wars franchise… directly. Several times. In fact, one of my most favorite parts of the movie is something that I actually jokingly suggested before that I thought would be cool. But that I never in a million years thought would happen… because they don’t let people like me write Star Wars movies. And yet, they actually did it. That said, that’s a lot of themes to deal with. And there are a lot of plots. And a lot of characters. Too many. I know most people who are fans of the film won’t think that. But I ask you… once you’ve seen it, can you tell me what Billie Lourde’s character’s name is? I’m not sure they ever said. I mean, I know because I looked it up. But I bet some significant portion of the people who saw the movie are saying “Who the fuck is Billie Lourde?” And yeah… exactly. Choices should have been made.

But it won’t matter. It’s a Star Wars. People will see it. And while it’s not as bad as a BvS or anything, but I do worry that it was pushing the envelope a little too much towards being too self-referential and self-indlugent. It wanted to do too much. It didn’t quite enter the realm of badness, but it flirted with it. And if it didn’t have a Star Wars logo on it, I wonder if people would give it the chances they will.

★★½☆☆ (2.5 out of 5 stars… and everyone will complain because clearly I should have said it was the best movie ever, but it’s not… it’s conflicting)

Spoilers are ok in comments, just make sure you clearly mark them as such. Feel free to ask me for my opinion on any of the details. I might even start some myself.

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Choices need to be made… (a NO-SPOILERS Star Wars: The Last Jedi review) was originally published on ChrisMaverick dotcom

[chelseaonjta-blog]

a list of all the weird/stupid things i have done so far on JTA (in case i forget)

i’m pretty tired right now because i just came back from italy and the bologna airport. i say those are two different things because one of them is something i truly, really love (italy) and the other one is a weird and grueling experience that is the reason for the creation of this list (bologna airport).

i wanted to list down all my memories on trips, like my itineraries etc first, but since i’m not that masipag yet and am prone to laziness and forgetfulness, when writing this came into my head, i was immediately more excited to write it and i decided to just go for it. so here it is, my weird list of Things I Wouldn’t Have Done If I Weren’t On JTA (alternatively, Things I Would Never Have HAD To Do if It Weren’t for JTA).

- sleep at an airport. this takes the cake, really (so far -- i still have morocco to go!). i guess it was also in the choice of airport i decided to sleep at, but let me tell you, Bologna Airport should not be high up on your “Airports to Sleep At” list. Really. I don’t consider myself very snooty or fresa, and I’ve braved through a lot of gross things. But this. I couldn’t take it. I guess it was through this that I realized I’m not that type of person who can just sleep anywhere. I need to be horizontal, man. It doesn’t even have to be a bed, just something I can lie on. We arrived at bologna at around 1:30, found a cab (ooh, that should go on the list too...more details later) and arrived at around 2am. I tried to sleep. I really did. I just couldn’t. I slept for, at most, an hour, between 2am and 6am. I was sitting, trying to position my backpack and my Italian plates (which were pasalubong and I still have no regrets about buying) while trying to get my upper body and lower body in a comfortable enough position. It just wasn’t possible. Maybe I’m just too long ? which sounds funny, but rly. neither my upper nor lower body could fit in one seat of the chairs, and if i curled myself up on the chair it was just ... difficult. so i ended up sleeping like i would on a bus, except it wasn’t a bus and i was bothered that i had to sleep this way at all. this may sound really angry, but to be honest, i’m not at all. really. i can’t really describe what i felt, it wasn’t really frustration, it was just...grueling. which isn’t really a feeling but...it is what it is. so there i couldn’t sleep, and then when the airport opened and we went past immigration, we found more comfortable seats (these ones actually had cushions on them -- oh yes, the ones we were trying to sleep on at first had no cushion, just metal. it was those chairs you find right in front of check-in counters) and i could sleep better, even if i was curled up and was using my backpack as a pillow (which i had put on the seat beside me...i think at this point i just said fuck it to stranger danger, pickpocketing, stealing, and thieves. i just wanted to close my eyes.) so i slept a little bit more, having 30 minute naps. and then we boarded, and i slept the whole flight. and i tried to go to class. but that’s another point, i think. for this one, it’s very simple: chelsea can’t sleep all night at airports. or chairs.

sidenote: bianca slept fine. i’m truly amazed

- walk around bologna at 1:30am figuring out the cab system. it was quite a stressful early morning, even before the whole airport situation. i didnt know how taxis worked in bologna, which shouldnt have been a problem because they should work like anywhere else in the world, except they didn’t. apparently you’re supposed to call one in advance, and its not common to just flag one down on the street. happy ending for this one though, because on my 2nd try we got one! God BLESS that man. idek how true the whole “u can’t flag one on the street” thing is, but if it is, TYG for this not-so-ugly/kinda cute (he wasn’t cute, but he wasn’t what you’d call pogi) taxi driver. and he had CARD

- oh yeah...which leads me to number 3: pay for a 10euro gelato. guys. it wasn’t even that good. bianca and i were going around florence, looking for cheap gelato. we went to 3 different stores, comparing prices. 4 euro for the smallest size was too expensive for us. so we got excited when we saw this place had gelato for 2.5. steaaal!! we got cups, but then it was only after that i realized that he didn’t get the 2.5 cup...he got the 10 euro cup. :---) and the cannoli, which the dude said was only 1 euro, turned out to be 7 euros. :---) maybe he didn’t say 1 euro, maybe he said 7 but we didn’t hear...either way, i ended up not having cash on hand anymore for the rest of the day. and that was around 11am. :---) and that is how i found out the hard way that most Florentine stores only accept cash. i CRY for my 13.5 euros. it would have saved me a lot of grief later on.

what type of grief? the grief i am currently in as i type this. ok, it isn’t grief. but let’s call it that for now. as i mentioned on my finsta-finsta IG, aka the mobile and easier access version of this blog, I didn’t want to sleep in the afternoon because it would mess up my sleeping sched, so i decided i would go to my spanish class at 3pm. too bad i ended up taking a nap and waking up AT 3PM. which was fine, i mean all spanish people are late and its not uncommon to have people come a little later than usual, even to classes. but i still had to buy a T-10. i had prepared for this -- i had both my card and 50 euros so i could buy a card. neither worked on the machine. i’m kinda worried about my card, it didn’t work on the airport machine either (bianca had to double use her T-10, bless her), but whatever. it worked on the bologna taxi...should be fine. anyway, by the time i tried all 3 machines and decided to give up, it was 3:15 and i felt that even if i did go to class, it would be waaaay too late, even for the spanish. so i called it a day. i broke my 50 by buying ben&jerry’s, bought a T-10 with the loose change (so i wouldn’t have to go through this shit again) and went back to the apartment. like i said on my ig, ben&jerry’s is my alcohol. 

but i digress

- get fined. ok, this one’s on me. and bianca. we deserved it. we were so aware of how much we deserved it that we didn’t even get mad anymore. I mean, we really deserved it. so rewind to 2 days before the gelato and the airport, and we’re in rome. we’re on the bus, and we notice that absolutely no one is validating their bus tickets, and the bus is packed. the driver doesn’t even know who goes in or out. so we decide to just not punch in our cards. big mistake. really, BIIIIIIIIIG MISTAKE. out of all the buses, the police decide to climb on to ours (ok fine..it was crowded, we were otw to Vatican which meant a lot of tourists, etc. etc.). and of course we were caught with unvalidated tickets. so we had to pay a fine...54.9euros to be exact. TYG it could be paid by card or I would’ve cried, because the fee of paying it somewhere else other than the time of getting caught was around 100+ euros. well i already felt bad about losing 54.9 euros, but again, I deserved it. so take note, kids ! be good citizens, ALWAYS ! validate those cards!

- run like hell to catch a bus. i had the paris incident in mind, but i realize that that’s happened a lot to biancs and i. but the paris one is GOLD -- we wanted to watch the eiffel tower sparkle, and we calculated it would sparkle at 8pm. Our Flixbus (best company tbh) was schedule to leave at 8:42 pm. accdg to google maps, it would take us 40-42 minutes to get to the station. so we had to be quick. at 8:00 sharp, the lights sparkled, we gasped, took some pictures, then RAN. i can still visualize the scene. a live performer was playing “can’t help falling in love”, it was already dark (of course), and there were so many tourists milling around. there were also a lot of street sellers. through all of that, suddenly one of the 7 of us (i think it was me tbh), shouted “run run run!!!” and OFF WE WENT ya’ll. through that thick crowd, 7 girls just darting around like mice. we kinda separated a bit at the metro, cause some of the girls thought our entrance would be different, but me and some others stuck to the one we were already going down on. the other girls ran all the way to the other side. when we got down to the station, the girls were also getting down, just on the other side. basically, pointless to go around. trust me, if i wasn’t paranoid about missing the bus, i would’ve laughed. it was actually pretty funny, the whole thing. i remember running the length of the station (our bus stop was at the back) and feeling like i would die. i had never run so fast in my life (i think). we made it, just in time.

- which leads me to another moment i thought i would die: going through Amsterdam’s King’s Day crowd. that shit was wild. that’s as precise as I can be. it was WILDT. that was some stupid, crazy shit. we had just met up with parsley, gabe, shar, and christine. or to be more precise, we met up with the first three and the latter was just pissed to see us. (more on that ...soon lol) and ...ok to be honest, i don’t even remember where we were supposed to go. all i remember is, Gabe or Shar started the navigation, and it led us to the edge of this street concert party thing. when I say “street”, I mean the whole street was occupied with tall white people. the street was actually quite narrow, which made everything worse because the King’s Day people had erected a stage there, so there was a concert going on, and what seemed like a live broadcast of that concert. PLUS, on the other side of the stage, the street was lined with bars. and it was King’s Day. you can imagine the complete chaos. everyone was either drunk, high, or both. it was incredibly crowded. the street was packed, there were people from the bars who were coming out to join in, and there were people who were trying to move through the crowd. we were one of those people. i’ve been through incredibly ...sticky and crowded situations in my life. I’ve ridden the MRT at ultra mega rush hour, I’ve attended enough rock concerts. I thought I would be prepared for something like this. I wasn’t. the crowd was iba, I had never experienced anything like it. It was kind of like MRT at that rush hour, except everyone was MOVING, and you didn’t really want to stay there. at least in the MRT, when ur pushed against other people, no one really moves until the next stop. here, everyone seemed like they wanted to go somewhere else, or were moving to the music or whatever. there was just too much movement. at one point, i wasn’t even moving my legs. the crowd was swaying me along, and yes, I mean swaying. we were going from left to right, kind of suffocating-pushing our way through. oddly, i felt like the band was just repeating songs, and their reactions were being controlled or something. whatever -- all i know is, it was crazy fucking scary. i try not to curse anymore (haha, i know) but i can’t describe King’s Day without expletives. it was just too...WILD. I’m still thankful I even made it out alive. I really thought I would die at some point. 

- ah, amsterdam, what else is there to do? oh yeah, get high. this seems pretty basic considering everything else on this list, but really. I don’t think I would’ve ever tried weed if I hadn’t gone on JTA. I didn’t really wanna do it, plus it was still illegal in the PH and I didn’t wanna get caught up in that. but hey, it was Amsterdam, it was totally legal. I actually wanna amend my earlier point and be more specific: get high on a boat. that was actually kind of fun. we were doing this canal tour thing, and we had eaten the edibles an hour before getting on. to the merit of biancs and i, i think we were still very good clients. it was the nighttime tour on the canal, so everyone else was either drunk, high, or romantically involved. trust me, biancs and i were the most behaved ones there. we would pretend to listen, nod and laugh when we felt it appropriate, and converse with the hosts. it was a good experience. even better? the food and wine on the boat. there’s no better way to say this, but we demolished that buffet. 3 plates filled high with sausages, crackers, and cheese and we only left some for the others (the others didn’t seem to mind though, because like i said, they were knee-deep in the other 3 reasons above). there were free-flowing drinks too, and biancs and i shared with 3 other girls, and i think we had 5 bottles all in all. so like...one bottle each. it was a good time. i felt myself getting slower once i was hit, but wow. i thoroughly enjoyed that. the host even gave me a lei at the end of the tour! maybe he appreciated our participation. or maybe he just knew we were high.

i was high when we were going through the King’s Day crowd too, but that was less...enjoyable. i think that once we were in the crowd, i kinda snapped out of it and focused on not dying. yeah, that was kind of a waste. but hey, generally i had a good time.

- get drunk on 1 euro carton wine. this was actually super fun. its one of those things that become tradition immediately after you start it. it started when bianca bought carton red wine. i think we got pretty drunk off of it, and i vaguely remember going back to the supermarket (yes, the supermarket was still open, which meant...it was pretty early) to buy another one, which we also finished. then all hell broke loose. we started getting noisy, we called pars and gabe, we went to the kitchen and stole strawberries from one of our then-flatmates, Maria (who was honestly really nice), and I accidentally turned on the lights in Marion’s room while she was there. she actually came out and told me that i had turned it on, and all i kept saying was “sorry, sorry”. this was all before the flatmate drama, i think. (lol that’s another story too, i guess). oh and this all happened while we were on the phone with sina gabe. bianca went inside the “coat room” of the apartment and stole someone’s hat (at the time we thought it was manon’s, but it could actually be javier’s??? still don’t know until now, tbh). then we went back into our room and...decided that we wanted to sleep in the empty room beside us. so we tried first to enter it through the adjacent balcony, didn’t work. so we got the keys box and started trying out different keys until we found the one that fit and we just....slept there. didn’t do anything nasty, didn’t trash the place. just...fell asleep. i don’t know if i should be thankful or confused that drunk chelsea and bianca’s idea of a wild night is sleeping in an empty bedroom right beside ours. not even a hotel or another flat, but literally the one that pretty much looks like ours. yeaaah, i don’t know either. that was pretty fun though, biancs and i got to bond and i guess it solidified our reverence for the carton wine. it tastes like shit, but it does its job.

- have trashy tinto-vodka nights with raya. this is steadily becoming Chelsea’s JTA Greatest Hits list, but whatever. i’m enjoying this trip down memory lane. to be fair, i only had 2 trashy wine nights with Raya, when she was still in her old condo and my parents hadn’t come/bianca and I didn’t have a trip on the weekend, but it was one of the best nights. it was honestly really fun, just getting to know and bonding with Raya. I hadn’t known her so well pre-JTA, and when we were thinking of getting a room together (me, bianca, and Raya), I wasn’t so sure how that would play out. but after bonding with her, I realized that Raya and I vibed pretty well. we were into the same stupid shit and laughed at the same nonsense things. so sleeping over at her place and getting drunk was honestly really fun. it wasn’t even wild or anything, it was just...~ hearty fun ~. we’d try to invite bianca sometimes, but she’d always say no LOL mainly cause raya’s place is quite far from us and she didn’t want to sleep over (but biancs is totally fine sleeping at an airport?? i don’t understand, but hey, you do you.) and raya and i would also cook sinigang! ok fine, we cooked it on one day only, but after having it for lunch then getting tipsy, we decided we wanted more so we made another batch at around midnight. we both agreed it tasted a lot better. gooooooood times.

- having to walk Amsterdam alone at night. sorry i jumped back into amsterdam, i just totally forgot about this. this was actually a big deal for me, even though in summary it wasn’t so special. i had had to wake up at around 3am that day so i could walk and catch the bus that would bring me to the Flixbus station. i was worried because amsterdam had had shit weather the day before and i was contemplating taking an uber, but in the end i decided to walk. it was only a 20-minute walk, which in daytime wouldn’t have bothered me. but since it was nighttime and the airbnb wasn’t in city center, i was kind of afraid. i’m matatakutin pa naman. i imagine shadows becoming figures and am generally uneasy in the dark. but at the time i thought, u gotta do what u gotta do, right? so i trudged on. and honestly, it wasn’t bad at all. i saw no one on my walk, and i realize in hindsight that if i had walked in the morning, i would have enjoyed it a lot. i got to see the river and some pretty cute, homey houses. there were parts where it was eerily dark and quiet, but overall i didn’t feel pressured too much. i don’t know why this is a big deal for me, and i feel like it’s silently a landmark experience for me. i guess because it was something i had no choice but to do alone (bianca had left earlier, gabe and pars were asleep and staying another day in amsterdam), and i had to face my fears. alone. epitome of JTA, I guess. well, it ended fine though, and overall I think I grew from the experience. I guess I realized there that I have some of my own inner strength that I can rely on, and that what scares me sometimes is...nothing, really. that I make things up in my head and I’m too praning, but really, there’s nothing to be afraid of.

- get in trouble with an airbnb. technically this wasn’t me, because it was under parsley’s name, but we all felt this. amsterdam really was something else...

anyway, parsley booked the place, but she only put it down for 2 guests, when we were...six. everything was going well until the owner apparently saw parsley and the lille girls going out all together, and the owner messaged pars about it saying that she (pars) has to pay a fine of 25E/night. the owner only saw 4 people though, so i guess that was a silver lining? so that added to the general stress of amsterdam, post-Heineken Experience. christine made pars tell this lie about the other 2 people only staying a night, but the owner then said that she saw four bags in the airbnb. which was weird, considering our airbnb was separated from the main house and was locked, so that meant that the owner went inside to check herself. invasion of privacy right there...the owner even made up this story about a socket burning out in our airbnb, which is why she had to go and check. though when we went back, everything was ok...well, we were also in the wrong anyway. we told the owner that the other bags did belong to 2 people, but that they would soon leave because they had early flights, which technically wasn’t a lie. so it ended up that we had to strategically get in and out of the airbnb. it would all be fine by sunday, because bianca was leaving sat night and pars, gabe, and i were leaving early sunday morning. we just had to time our ins and outs so that if ever there was someone checking on us from the main house window, s/he’d only count two people. it was pretty intense, the tension in that place. not just cause of the owner, but also cause of some people in the airbnb. but that story, maybe for another time.

- getting drunk on port wine. oh, PORTO. I love that place, really. it still has my heart, 6 countries and 9 cities later. it was a great first trip (that i should probably recount soon, before memory fails me and i forget the tiny things about it that i loved). one of the reasons why it was so good was because of port wine. and all i can say is...beshie. sarap shet. really, nothing quite like it. i still remember that one of them tasted like maple syrup, no joke. the others tasted....i don’t know how to describe it anymore, but one was incredibly fruity and one was oaky without tasting outright like a barrel. it was amazing. it was delicious, the best wine i’ve ever had. it was also 20% alcohol content. and we had 3 glasses. we got pretty hit after that, and what made it kinda go away was our mad rush towards a building tour that wasn’t that good anyway. but nonetheless, it was extremely good wine. I still can’t forget it, and at the nearest opportunity I jump at the chance to go back. Porto definitely isn’t one of those cities that a lot of people think of instantly when you say “Europe trip”, but I say it should be. One of the cheapest, beautiful, and most relaxing trips ever. I never would have considered it myself, were it not for its close proximity to Spain.

- see how the french dance. this is more of an afterthought, and honestly not as hard hitting as the other things on the list, but wow. the french dance weird. i will forever laugh at that video of gabe and pars copying them because it’s so spot on. it’s really some sort of robotic, zombie move thing that’s equally fascinating and equally scary. I definitely would not have known about it if I hadn’t been on JTA, going to clubs with my friends.

- tried to make coffee without water. yep, this goes on the list of stupid for sure. so javier has this coffee maker that i’ve never even seen before, and when he explained how to use it, he didn’t mention anything about putting water in the bottom. so when i tried to do it on my own, i did exactly as he told me. of course, without water, the thing just started burning. i think i was too late to realize it, because i had already begun to smell the burning. when i took it off the stove and laid it on the towel, the towel just straight up burned. as in the coffee maker scorched a hole through the damn towel. i felt pretty stupid in that moment, and honestly really scared for my life that Javier would be angry and would rethink this whole “letting us stay for an extra 3 months” thing (yeah, I realize now that I’m actually a pretty paranoid person). thankfully, he just laughed it off and cleaned it for me, and was even nice enough to make a new batch of coffee for me. God bless the man. the next batch of coffee still tasted burnt though, so i had to thoroughly clean the coffeemaker afterward. phew, that was a close one though. I thought I had really fucked things up at that point.

- lost money without explanation? this is a question mark because i don’t really know how this happened. it started when i was short by 200 euros after my parents left, even though i didn’t use any of my own money when my parents were here and they had given me more cash. i let that go and just offset it. then the next time i counted, i was missing 50 euros naman? like HUH ? I can get pretty magastos, but when I’m cheap I’m cheap af. I knew I hadn’t spent that money anywhere, yet here it was being missing. I don’t know either, maybe there was something off from my counting from the beginning? either way, I’m still sad I can’t find it anymore :///

- thought i lost 20 euros to the laundry machine demon. i straight up didn’t go to that laundry shop for like 3-4 months because i thought the machine had swallowed my 20 euros when all it needed was 3 euros. later on, i found out that there was actually a lot of balance left on that card, because the 20 euros wasn’t swallowed up, it was charged to the card! TYG!!!! i was really happy the day i found out. also kinda sad cause i spent a looot of months hand washing or just not washing because i didn’t want to go to the shop.

- sleeping in hostels. ok, i know i said i wasn’t fresa, but i never really would’ve considered hostels and been so positive about them if it weren’t for JTA. I’m honestly really loving the hostel vibe. the people are friendly, its communal, its pretty clean, and you get cheap accommodation. i guess this isn’t really a weird or stupid thing to do on JTA, but I just find it...cool how much my perspective has changed on traveling. (maybe that should be my next post?) and again, i don’t think i would have done this if not for JTA. so thanks, JTA, for letting me experience that :)

I think that’s it...for now. We still have morocco next week, and amidst the polarizing opinions about it (”it’s one of my greatest trips, u should go!” vs “be more careful, there are more sketchy people there”), I’m kinda excited. I hope I get to relax a little more, because I think that’ll be our last out of Spain trip. I can’t believe we thought of going to Germany pa after Morocco. I would’ve died of tiredness. anyway, that’s all I can remember for now. soon, I’ll try to add pictures and finally start recapping our trips. I think it will do me a lot of good in the future if I at least record my JTA experiences.

ciao!

[qanoor]

i suppose it is ironic and apt that i am listening to a peppy pop song called “not over you” by tessa violet right now.

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i woke up around 12.30 & stuffed my face with food i shouldn’t eat & talked to sophie a little & then went back to sleep because that is my method of coping with my anxiety and depression & it doesn’t work but what else can you do. i told sophie about what was going on with sam & i wanted her to say don’t worry, we’ll figure it out so you can live with me and ginny and tavi and miel. (or some combination thereof.) instead she said she was glad that she was moving if it was going to be so precarious whether sam and i keep living together, too. then she asked me, following our conversation/difficulty/post-breakdown anxiety last night, if it would be okay if ginny came over to help her with cleaning her room -- she’d check in on me, it wouldn’t be too long, etc. i said yes i didn’t want it to be rigid, of course it’s okay if ginny stops by briefly too. last night i was trying to ask, trying to ask if it would be okay if ginny didn’t come over really for a bit, at least until we tried to figure stuff out more. how do i say i don’t even know why i’m so hurt but i am. how do i say i fucked up and i’m embarrassed that she witnessed me screaming and yelling at you and saying all those angry things about her and she would never lose her cool like that around me and so i have this vulnerability, this mistake, this roughness, and i am so tired of having to apologize over and over but what else is there to do.

*

i woke up again around 5.50 to a beetle crawling/flying its way across my armpit. i brushed it aside and i wanted to die. i stuffed my face more with those corn puffs i shouldn’t eat & i couldn’t stop until i finished what was left in the bag & i knew it was bad & i read the comments on my facebook post about vegan/vegetarian options for the low fodmaps diet & i wanted to die & i wanted to die & i wanted to die & i couldn’t stop stuffing my face & i couldn’t stop & if you really wanted to stop if you really were disciplined if you were anything but this fucked up useless mess you *would* be able to do it you’re just lazy you’re just always sabotaging your health you call it “mild-moderate bingeing and compulsive overeating” but really it’s your complete lack of control because you’re such a useless shitty person and you never try hard enough.

*

i managed to go to the toilet and i managed to put on a shirt and underwear and pyjama shorts & sophie came out of her room when i was dumping her frozen vegetables that she’d (mistakenly?) left out into the chest freezer, and she was very happy about the new lice shampoo she was trying (she and ginny have been fighting off a strange case of lice for months now, with varying levels of non-success... strangely enough i haven’t got lice yet and maybe i should be more worried about getting it, certainly it would be more consistent with my ocd to be more worried about it, but anyway) because it’s some “natural” thing or something and it smells so much better & she kissed me and i made sure it was close-mouthed because i hadn’t brushed my teeth & it probably would’ve been anyway & she did that silly gasp thing that i love so much & 

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i was planning to go visit sam in his room after i poured myself the last of the melon juice and mixed it with my fiber supplement (i’m only taking it once a day instead of 3 times like it says because i think i jumped in too fast initially and it might’ve fucked with the absorption of my psych meds, which could also have been a factor in my awful meltdown the other day) but when i actually went over he was gone & i asked anya if he’d left & she said she thought so, maybe, & i felt so horrible and empty & i came back here to my room & i called him & he’s having dinner at his father’s house & he said he’d be back in 2 or 2.5 hours & i asked him how he was doing & he said very shitty & i said i can imagine & i asked him if we could talk when he got back & he said maybe, depends on if i’m doing anything else tonight, i’ll let you know

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last night it scared the shit out of me that when i keep asking for reassurance from sophie it seems to trigger her, especially in this context, in the wake of a meltdown, into doubting her entire sense of judgment, into wondering if i am doing something wrong after all when i keep asking if i am over and over, or even just more than once at all, and i know -- i know she can’t deal with my need for reassurance, i know, but -- and i said i think this is a textbook response of how abuse survivors/victims doubt themselves & i don’t know what to do with this & also it’s different everything is different & also similar, it’s always like this, nothing is ever textbook and nothing is ever “just abuse” or whatever you want to call it -- there is so much grief and mourning and history between us & it’s hard & i see her being unable to think express answer breaking down in her own withdrawal or constant distraction or -- i don’t know how to describe these things. i don’t know how to describe the feeling of lying on my bed trying to cry silently this time, am i always seeking attention when i cry loudly?, i don’t know how to describe this feeling of things with her always being my easiest reason to cry, how hard it is to cry otherwise. i don’t know how to describe the way it seeps out every last molecule of energy from my body & i’m out for a day & then i try not to be & then i am again & i see how much it hurts us both, this history, this mourning, this retraumatization, this reenactment, every time i have another screaming/yelling fit about something it’s.... and i feel the need to clarify, always, no i didn’t scream/yell again last night, but it was still related to the other night, and why this endless need to clarify, to ascertain, to document.... am i just always trying to prove some kind of innocence, or some kind of “at least” or “it wasn’t as bad as” or something? maybe everything was already premade to be as bad. no, not that. it’s not that either.

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last night sam said he didn’t want to delve into what he was feeling/thinking about us but i couldn’t leave well enough alone and he said he just didn’t want to pile on if i was really tired & i said no it makes me more anxious to not know & so. & so we got into it again & this time we really did decide, or i helped him decide?, or something. that we should really just call ourselves platonic friends. & this was. he didn’t want to let go of this hope he keeps having that it’ll be something more, that i’ll be more romantically/sexually available and interested, that there’s something still to hope for. & letting go of all this hope is so devastating for him.

*

there’s things that are hard to document, and i wanted to document them as they were happening, but it’s also so maudlin. i said but i’m here for you and he said but not the way i want you to be. and i try to understand i try to understand, god knows i’ve been through this too, was this what i did to amira? & later much later i realized what a beautiful friendship i had destroyed in some sense forever. & i don’t know i don’t know. but i can’t feel the things for him that he feels for me. & he said you don’t know what it feels like, to be so utterly rejected by someone you have such a passion for. & i said but i haven’t completely rejected you! but when did i become this person? i should not have defended myself thusly. i have -- i have -- rejected him so utterly. this has been true for so long. this has been true for years. this has been true since i wrote the jaded poem the night after i first slept with him in summer 2013. this has been true! why do i keep lying to him and to myself?

*

i keep wanting to be this girl, like sylvia plath, who eats men like air.

but it’s dreadfully lonely & it’s not the best relationship model. maybe it’s a better business model, but i never wanted to seal the imprint of a body on a dollar bill.

*

see, he said but i’m a bad friend and i thought about how miel and i had talked about how he seems to be so much more friendly, at least sooner so, with people he’s attracted to. like how he friended evyn on facebook right away but took so long to friend miel. or how he constantly falls for all these queer people who won’t have him and keeps trying and hoping anyway. or how he said he wished he’d talked to lea on okcupid all that time ago even though lea’s really a lesbian. & i thought about the violence that exists in desire. today, sophie said that she can understand that, though -- the only really wanting to consistently connect with people who you also have some kind of romantic/sexual/complicated feelings for, that she’s like that too. this frustrated me & she said she doesn’t really communicate with people who are “just friends” either, & this frustrated me. like i get it but also i think i have learned through years, perhaps years of also doing similar things, that there has to be value in platonic friendships too, and even if everything is fluid there has to be some sort of recognition.... & yes sophie does get that too, and i guess sam does as well, but it’s... it’s... i don’t know. 

what he said was that he wasn’t sure how things would be if he got with someone else (and especially monogamously) and if i moved away & if we didn’t live together & if... & i asked him if he felt like he couldn’t live with me anymore if things were “just” platonic & it was complicated because he both said yeah that would be too hard but he also said he wanted to live with me too when i said i wanted to keep living with him. he was just scared that we wouldn’t be forever anymore

*

this is where it gets so muddy and awful. i don’t really want to live with him. i haven’t wanted to keep living with him in a long time. i never really wanted to start living with him that much, either. we’ve carved out some sort of patchwork semi-halfhearted domesticity and some kind of comfort, some kind of sustainability. but so much of this, for me, has been more about practicality and giving in to something i don’t really feel much agency in...

& so i’m awful. & so i think about -- if he moves out, who will i find to live in his room? would miel even be interested? this apartment is so small and has a tendency to become cramped, but i suppose that is moreso because currently the living room is partitioned off into sophie’s room. & what about -- laundry, that is, the lack thereof in this building, and how it really does require a car when the laundromat is 10-15 minutes away walking. 

& so i think about -- it’s been such a help to get rides from him -- not just for laundry but also for groceries and other things. & i don’t have a car (and neither does miel). & i can’t just live with someone i don’t trust. 

so then there’s -- what if i moved out instead? the moving plans have all combusted spectacularly. i really was hoping for the place that sophie, ginny, sam, me and tavi (and originally miel as well, but that’s a long story) applied for but didn’t get. and now there’s -- which occasioned the terrible meltdown about ginny and other things -- the plan for sophie & ginny to move in with that fucking white straight couple to a different place, and if the white straight couple backs out (which sophie is hoping for) then maybe tavi and a friend could join. (i am bitter that sophie doesn’t even think this is a possibility for me anymore, it seems.) 

anyway, i am really afraid. i am also really afraid that even if sam and i do continue living here together, like it was seeming to be, that he won’t -- i don’t know, that he’ll be a lot less giving now that we’re not even makeshift partners anymore. that maybe he just won’t value me as a friend, that he can’t. that if he gets into a monogamous relationship that that person won’t be okay with him living with his ex. that it really will come down to -- i’m no longer worthy now that there’s not even the vague hope of sex again. & i feel so dirty and wrong and awful. and i feel so angry. and it’s easy to confer the dirtiness and wrongness onto him. 

maybe i am just afraid that i won’t be able to use him anymore. this is such a typical “woman’s role” or whatever. i am a stereotype but maybe there is nothing else to be. so much misogyny in the very syllable of being, internalized or otherwise. it’s so complicated. depending on a guy who has more money (albeit not that much more), who has a car. 

& to look for a new place -- maybe with miel, maybe with someone else (who???) too? i’m so scared. & it’s so hard, with my being on disability & miel’s complicated low-income status (albeit they can probably have their mom as a guarantor on their part of a lease, like they currently have -- i don’t really have this possibility as my parents are in india and that’s very complicated), to even find a place that will accept the precarity of our incomes. i want to be looking for part-time work but that might not do much good either, and it’s the constant -- if i earn “too much” i don’t get disability anymore, but if i stay on disability that’s fucking miserable too. 

i wish it felt like i could get out of the trap i’m in. but maybe i am just always painting myself as the victim and actually i am manipulative, like ginny says, just trapping everyone else in my elaborate web of constraints, instead.

[myxoedema-blog]

08/08/2018 To Build a functional Routine

Finally, a huge contributor to my depression was my routine. I did have some kind of routine, it just wasn’t sustainable or functional at all. I had a sleeping pattern, but I consistently fucked it up with random naps and staying up too late for no real reason. I knew I had to study the minute I woke up, but I often delayed it by staying on the phone or watching youtube videos for too long. I didnt really know when I was supposed to work out and what to do once I actually got to the gym. 

Therefore, my new routine needs to be a week-by-week routine. as in, no day will be the same as the next day, but overall, one week will look exactly like the other. I have 2.5 weeks until ibiza. So I have only 2 weeks to plan for now. My routine needs to include: 

- cleaning days, what to clean and when do I clean it. 

- laundry. 

- shopping for groceries. 

- cooking and meal prep.

- other random life things.

- time to learn/research certain topics im interested in. I could do that at home or spend time in a coffee shop. (like watching vids/reading articles on bodybuilding and diet, or guides on self-descipline or just read the fucking news and learn something new for fucks sake)

- social interactions. 

- extracurricular activities such as digital painting, and other stuff. 

- gym days. 

So the one major constant should be my sleeping schedule. Followed by studying, then eating and gymming. Creating a good routine is hard fucking work, because there’s so much to life that cant just simply be planned or scheduled. Shit happens, and sometimes you cant follow your own recipe. also, too much rigidity leads to feeling trapped and ultimately leads to depression, so some serious flexiblity and room to change has to exist. Ive never attempted to plan something this huge. And since this is basically an experiment, I dont expect myself to get it right immediately. Im going to do my best while also being kind to myself in the process. Its going to take me time to come up with it but we’ll see.

----------------------------------------

Wake up at 7. 

Brush teeth, wash face, meditate. if extra time do some reading or just relax. 

8-12 studying.

4 hour study period seems reasonable for the time being. 

12:30-2: GYM

2:00-2:45 gym shake + light meal 

2:45-4:15 NAP

4:15-4:45 Another meal 

4:45-7 Free period

I can go Grocery shopping (or any kind of shopping), do some light cleaning, light planning, running errands. etc. Great time to check off some to-dos, like online shopping for swimming shorts, paying off bills, sending an email or whatever. (basically this period is a variable that changes everyday depending on needs) (try to write a shopping list here + maybe do some dish washing)

7-8 Final meal + TV show probably 

8-10 Fun time: 

free to play ps4, goof around on phone. and do anything I like basically. must update blog here tho. just write about the day. Is the routine sustainable? how do I feel? What needs to change? 

10-12 Night routine: Shower, brush teeth, no more screen time (phone or laptop). 

11-12 reading time. 10 pages minimum. If I have time left and feel bored. write or scribble something on my diary. 

sleep 12 to 7.

---------------------------------------

ROUTINE BREAK DAYS: 

at least 1 day in the weekend: keep sleeping schedule but ditch everything else. Do whatever I feel like doing. and If I feel like doing nothing then SO BE IT.

MEAL PREP DAY: A day where I skip the gym and just do meal prep!!!

POTENTIAL VARIABLES: Days out with sister, and going out with friends. both will need flexiblity and sacrificing something out of my schedule to accommodate. consider them a test of flexibility!

So basically What I did above is the basic format of what my routine should look like. However I can alter it everyday to fit goals I have for that particular day. Again, being flexible and smart about my planning is key...

*****************************

GOALS FOR NOW: (until ibiza) 2.5 weeks

- 10 more gym days. 

- intermittent fasting and meal prep. 

- sleeping schedule. 

- finalize ibiza preparations. (swimming shorts, converse shoes)

- studying thyroid, breast, white + read blood cell & neoplasm pathology. (5 chapters of pathoma) 

- meditation everyday.

- 1 more digital painting.

Kindness & flexibility, Kindness & flexibility, Kindness & flexibility.

[lifeonashelf]

CAT POWER

When I started working as a clerk at Rhino in 2001, one of my floor managers was a guy named Aaron, a real cool cat who was a few years older than me and a fellow writer (poetry, mostly, but working on his elusive first novel, if I recall correctly). At the time, he probably also fit the textbook description of an alcoholic—hey, it was a record store; most of us who worked there fit that textbook description. But Aaron wasn’t one of those slovenly, discernibly reckless drunks. He was a good-looking dude whose unruffled mien suggested that when he got wasted, he got Elegantly Wasted, and whenever he came in the morning after a bender, the luggage under his eyes was accompanied by a knowing smirk which intimated he had way more fun than you did last night and possibly woke up next to a foxy companion whose name he could only vaguely recall. Naturally, since I was a budding writer with aspirations of being an Elegantly-Wasted alcoholic, I looked up to the guy.

After Aaron left Rhino (I was promoted into the managerial spot he vacated, so he did me a solid there), he switched to bartending at a spot called the Second Avenue Alehouse, where we continued to have positive dealings. Since one of his duties was booking bands to perform at the pub, he slotted Happyending into the schedule several times. Second Avenue was in Upland—only ten miles away from almost everyone I knew at the time—and the place drew healthy business with or without us, so our Alehouse gigs were all reliably well-attended. We were also allowed to play for as long as we wanted, an attractive proposition since our repertoire had ballooned to something like 50 originals and 15 or so covers at that point. Since we obviously thought we had a lot of good tunes to offer, executing a Pearl Jam-esque thirty-song set was much more appealing to us than whittling our wares into a tidy thirty-minute package to be efficiently shoe-horned into rosters with like six other bands at the more traditional clubs where we performed. Plus, Aaron always made sure we got paid—generously, I might add, for an outfit of our limited stature—and kept us plied with free beer all night. Unsurprisingly, the Second Avenue Alehouse ended up being my very favorite venue that ever hosted Happyending.

[Our experiences there were infinitely preferable to some of our more ill-starred outings, such as one disastrous gig at a Cask ‘N Cleaver steakhouse (yes, really) in Orange County, where our entire audience consisted of my dad, the restaurant’s staff, and the consequently aggrieved lady who booked the show: an amateur promoter named Linda, who we had done a few previous gigs for despite ascertaining she was fucking insane. Linda was in particularly rare form the evening of that fabled Cask ‘n Cleaver show. While we were chatting with her upon our arrival at the eatery, she erupted into a lengthy tirade about how the government was putting chemicals in Hostess Twinkies which allowed the CIA to use said snack cakes for nefarious mind-control purposes. She was wholly sincere—and rather frightening in her fervor—so I didn’t have the stones to tell her that the only post-hypnotic suggestion I’ve ever received while eating a Twinkie is that Twinkies are goddamn delicious and I should eat five more of them in immediate succession. Anyway, Linda was incensed that we had failed to lure vast throngs of people to come watch us play in the lounge of a two-and-a-half-star chain restaurant located in a city where we didn’t know anybody. As our scheduled set-time drew near and the establishment remained completely empty, her fretfulness morphed into a vehement lambasting. “Where is everybody, Taylor?” Linda growled, to which I summed up the utter idiocy of the booking by shrugging and telling her, “Linda, this is a Cask ‘N Cleaver.” Nevertheless, we played reasonably well to that room full of vacant white-clothed tables—the candles ornamenting each one gently flickered as I threw power-chords and throaty yells at them, almost like a swaying sea of lighter-hoisting admirers; if we had any ballads in our set, we might have found ourselves in the midst of a poignant moment there. I also definitely noticed the bartender rocking out while he idly wiped down all the mugs behind the bar, ostensibly preparing his glassware just in case the zero people sitting at his counter started ordering pints. However, what I remember most about that night is how dejected we felt driving home from the gig… Not because my father was the only person who showed up to see us, mind you, but because we realized we had inadvertently walked out on the sizable tab we accrued for the hearty appetizers-and-all feast we devoured before our performance. I assure you our malfeasance was wholly unintentional (the food was really quite good; the joint handily earned its 2.5 stars). We simply forgot all about the bill because we were so focused on making a quick exit from the premises after we finished packing up our gear—as I said, Linda was livid; we were justifiably worried she might assault us with Scopolamine-laced Twinkies if we stuck around to give her the chance. In any case, I never returned to that Cask ‘N Cleaver (apparently, the dearth of clientele wasn’t limited to the nights Happyending performed there because the location has long since closed) so it’s entirely possible there is an outstanding warrant for my arrest in the city of Fountain Valley.]

My memories of hanging out with Aaron after each of our Alehouse performances are just as fond as my memories of the shows themselves. We closed the pub down every time we played there, and our host was always game for a few after-hours rounds once he cleared everyone else out; more than once, we ended up lingering to drink and smoke and shoot the shit until four or five in the morning, which naturally proved to be a fertile milieu for some extremely pleasant and memorable conversations (actually, I can’t really remember them, I just remember they were pleasant). Anyway, aside from that, the main reason Aaron has turned up in this essay is because in addition to being a real good dude, he was also a big fan of Cat Power.

I hadn’t yet heard any of Cat Power’s music when she first came up in palaver with Aaron at Rhino, so it was through him I learned that moniker is the stage name used by a highly-regarded singer-songwriter named Chan Marshall, who he assessed as follows: “She’s a fucking trainwreck, man. But I love her.” He then went on to tell me about some of the various Cat Power gigs he had attended over the years, which he succinctly described as “iffy”—he was being overly polite, I think, considering the particulars he then shared.

Aaron told me he was present for at least one show where Marshall abruptly ended the set after a few songs and walked off stage without explanation (which was evidently a common occurrence at the time), and another which was cancelled moments before it was set to begin because she didn’t feel like playing at all (which was evidently also a common occurrence at the time). Yet Aaron sounded positively tickled as he described these episodes to me, as if an aborted Cat Power concert was still a rewarding event to witness—to hear him tell it, Chan Marshall’s histrionic refusal to perform somehow endeared her to him more, perhaps even perversely validated his enthusiasm for her work because her erratic conduct reinforced the brittle-diva mythos she had cultivated. Since he had already accepted the “will-she-or-won’t-she” cliffhanger as part of the whole Cat Power mystique, even when Marshall was too much of a mess to operate, she was still satisfying some aspect of his fandom. And he clearly wasn’t dissuaded by either of these experiences; the very next time a Cat Power gig was announced in our area, Aaron bought a ticket for that show, too.

In a very real sense, Chan Marshall was playing hard to get. But Aaron kept chasing her because he was optimistic that someday, if he persisted, she was bound to eventually put out and play songs at one of her concerts. I’m fascinated by the singular impact this prolonged ear-tease fostered for him. Imagine: when he finally did get to watch a complete Cat Power performance, that gig must have been momentous by default, simply by virtue of it actually happening. And make no mistake, the effusiveness of Aaron’s gushing suggested he would remain a steadfast fan for life; though the wearisome cycle he described made me initially reckon that Chan Marshall was either a pretentious wanker or a narcissistic wacko, the more I think about it, she might actually be a genius.    

[When I told my friend Paul I was working on this piece, he shared a strikingly similar reminiscence of a Cat Power performance he went to in Claremont several years back. According to him, that show started 45-minutes late because Marshall kept sending out a roadie in her stead to fastidiously tune and retune her piano several times; Paul also added that when Chan finally took the stage, she was essentially dragged there by one of her handlers and never once used the piano which had been so painstakingly fussed over.]

To this day, I still know almost nothing about Chan Marshall or her music, beyond Aaron’s insinuation that she apparently doesn’t like performing it in front of people. I do have one Cat Power selection in my library—you wouldn’t be reading this if I didn’t—though the sole reason I own You Are Free is because one of the tracks features a guest appearance from Eddie Vedder, and that is the only song on the album I can recall ever listening to (I didn’t even purchase this disc, actually; mine is an advance promotional copy that was given to me when it was released in 2003—in a precisely literal sense, I could say to this CD, “you are free”).

Despite writing nearly 2,000 words up to this point, I still have not cued up a single song off You Are Free. I decided to take an atypical approach to this essay because I wanted to examine this particular offering in a more concentrated fashion. Although I’ve spent a lot of time heckling Cat Power thus far, my casual mockery isn’t motivated by any authentic malice—I’ve been doing it mostly just because I’m a dick sometimes. The truth is, I have lofty expectations for this record. Marshall’s work comes enthusiastically endorsed by multiple people I know, and the credentials she has cultivated since Aaron first told me about her (widespread critical acclaim, concert appearances at which she presumably actually performed, etc.) have made me far more curious about Cat Power now than I was 12 years ago. So I’m ready to give Chan Marshall my undivided attention. And just to make sure I’m listening closely, I’m going to tackle You Are Free one track at a time:

Okay, so the first song on the disc is called “I Don’t Blame You”. It’s essentially just a rudimentary piano melody with an austere vocal on top of it—it reminds me of all the songs in Tori Amos’s catalog I don’t like, mostly. Marshall’s voice sure is lovely, though. Delicate. Subdued. Lamenting. And the piano has obviously been meticulously tuned.

Up next is the quasi title-track, “Free”. This cut kicks off with a cycle of four stabbing power chords, so I’m anticipating that it maybe-possibly is going to rock. A few bars in, I’m slightly reminded of Elastica, which is totally fine with me because Elastica is awesome. Now an atonal second guitar part has joined the fray in the background—sweet, the song is building. Chan keeps repeating the same riff over and over again, but this motif is bound to make a huge impression when the drums kick in and the chorus arrives. Yep, there we go: a crunchy guitar just dropped in to double the chords, and… Oh… So, that only happened twice; now we’re back to the lumbering refrain she’s been playing this whole time. Okay, here come the drums… Wait, those aren’t real drums—they sound like the percussion pads on a child’s keyboard, and it’s not even a “beat,” really, just some clunky tap-tap kick-snare thing. Something’s bound to happen soon though, I can feel it. “Everybody / get together / free.” There aren’t a whole lot of lyrics in this song. Okay, any second now, the dynamic payoff is going to… Wait… It’s over? What the fuck, Chan? One dopey riff for three and a half minutes, “everybody, get together, free” like eight times, and that was it? Shit. That was anticlimactic.

Thankfully, “Good Woman” is much better. The warm guitar tone sells it: slow, chiming notes on reprise, but there’s some emotional atmosphere behind them. R.E.M. has built countless great tunes around this same minimalist approach, and it’s working just fine here. I also dig the fiddles randomly scissoring through; they sound like they’re playing the chords to an entirely different song, but that’s kind of neat and it works. This is super-droney and super-gloomy, but in a good way. Chan Marshall really does sing beautifully. Maybe I like Cat Power. My promo copy didn’t include a lyric booklet, but this track is making me sad, so I’m assuming it’s about something sad. That’s cool, I love sad music. Hey, there’s Eddie Vedder. He sounds sad, too.

Now we’re on to “Speak For Me”. Yeah, I can get on board with this—perhaps those first two unexceptional tracks were flukes? This is a perfect spot on the album to encounter a decent mid-tempo number that actually feels like a fully-formed song, with chord changes and a chorus and everything. This reminds me a bit of Neko Case, and I figured out a couple entries ago that I love Neko Case. I wonder if the Girl With the Neko Case Tote enjoys Cat Power. I should text her and ask her. There’s a nifty plinking piano line and a few layers of textured guitars along for the ride, so this track has a lot going for it. Good tune.

“Werewolf” is a rather glum exercise, but I like the sparse arrangement and the way the lazily-picked campfire acoustic sits way down in the mix and the pair of melancholy violins moaning on top of it. Marshall’s pipes are the clear centerpiece here, though; now that I’ve heard her run through a few modulations I’m getting a better sense of what all the fuss is about. I can’t tell if this song is about metaphorical werewolves or actual werewolves, but from the sound of things I’m reasonably certain it’s about werewolves who are non-metaphorically depressed. I’d probably be depressed if I was a werewolf, too. I can totally relate to this one.

Now I’m listening to “Fool”, which sounds exactly like what I assumed Cat Power would sound like when I didn’t know what Cat Power sounded like. This track isn’t doing much for me. The only instrumentation here is an elementary replicating guitar line; while there’s nothing wrong with “simple,” “Fool” veers much closer to “dull.” There are a couple of harmonizing vocal stratums present to beef up Marshall’s quaver and infuse the track with some nuance, but there’s nothing especially special about this one, I’m afraid. The promotional blurb on my CD notes that “You Are Free marks Chan Marshall’s first album of original material in nearly 4 years…” “Fool” is only four minutes long, and shouldn’t have taken any capable musician much longer than that to write—I can’t fathom what Chan was doing for the rest of those four years.

“He War” marks the record’s mid-point and would, I assume, be the last tune on Side A if I was listening to this on vinyl. That makes this a significant cut in terms of placement, though it’s not particularly significant in terms of quality. Actually, this is the first song I’ve heard on You Are Free that I’m having trouble distinguishing from other songs I’ve already heard on You Are Free—it basically just marries the repetitive chugging of “Free” to the loose groove of “Speak For Me”. I’ve heard enough sparks of excellence thus far to discern that Marshall is a skilled songwriter, but this is another one of those instances where Chan merely stumbles into a single serviceable riff and continuously recycles it for the entire track. This album is starting to frustrate me; I still have the haunting hum of “Werewolf” in my head and I keep wishing Cat Power was consistently as good as that track suggests. Marshall’s voice remains great, but “He War” doesn’t conjure up a very exciting backdrop for it. Instantly forgettable, this one. I hope Side B is stronger.

The second division begins with “Shaking Paper”, which is indeed stronger than the last two numbers. Marshall is still only playing one phrase, but it’s a good one, and this tune at least has a legitimate snapping drum beat carrying it along. There’s also a feedback-rich binary guitar track lending some effectively menacing ambiance. This one, I get.

“Baby Doll” is another somber narrative in the same tonal vein as “Werewolf”, and I like this one a lot, too. Marshall’s husky front-and-center vocals here are exquisite. She hits a couple of plainly-audible flubbed guitar notes, and I totally dig that she left the mistakes in; the emotional urgency of the track benefits from those spontaneous human touches. This song sounds like something you’d hear in a pivotal film scene—Jennifer Lawrence driving down a lonesome shadow-swept highway in a torrential rain storm looking gorgeously despondent at the end of the second act, perhaps. I’m not sure if that’s exactly what Chan Marshall had in mind when she wrote this; You Are Free came out in 2003, so she was probably picturing Kate Winslet instead. Nevertheless, “Baby Doll” is more evocative and potent than anything else I’ve heard on this disc. If all of Chan’s stuff was this strong, I would definitely consider going back and deleting all of the snarky jibes in this piece—but, you know, I’m not going to do that.

Alas, the title of the next song serves as an apt rejoinder to my supposition that maybe I’m starting to genuinely dig Cat Power: “Maybe Not”. I wasn’t craving yet another Chan-at-the-piano exercise, let alone one that is essentially a lackluster reworking of “I Don’t Blame You”; I think she may be playing the exact same chords, even. The blurb on my CD’s insert proclaims that “You Are Free is most assuredly not easy listening,” which now reads more like a warning than a sanction. I’m always suspicious when publicists whose job is to promote an album use “challenging” as a buzzword. That just seems like a democratic way of saying, “this record sounds terrible at first, but maybe it will grow on you if you listen to it a whole bunch of times.”

In a sterling example of what could only be kismet, one of the first lyrics I discern in the next cut is the phrase, “having difficulty.” And I am: “Names” is so drearily monotonous that merely lasting through it is a grueling task. It’s the longest track on the album, stretching to nearly five minutes (though it feels much longer; I had to pause the song in the middle for a cigarette break). Yet again, Marshall is milking a single dowdy and dismal piano melody all the way through the tune. Which means that “Names” sounds exactly like “Maybe Not”, which means that it also sounds exactly like “I Don’t Blame You”, which means that I’m bored. Even the vocal performance is uninspired—this track evidently bores Chan Marshall, too.

“Half of You” is half a song, more of an interlude than a lude. At least it’s pretty. It’s got drums, too. Actually, just one drum, resounding over the soft acoustic flutter like rolling thunder, or like a heartbeat, maybe. Similes.

Hey! The intro to “Keep On Runnin’ ” sort of reminds me of a slower rendering of the intro to Metallica’s “The Unforgiven”. Now, that’s a killer song. Kirk Hammett’s climactic solo on that number gives me goddamn chills. That dude’s one of the greatest lead guitarists ever, hands down. Metallica got all kinds of shit for making such a blatantly commercial record after cranking out four underground thrash classics in a row, but as far as I’m concerned, Metallica (more commonly known as “The Black Album”) is a truly remarkable piece of work that has aged splendidly. And not just the obvious tracks, either—give “My Friend of Misery” and “The God That Failed” another spin sometime soon; fucking fantastic stuff (“Don’t Tread on Me” still blows, though). That album also features the song “Of Wolf and Man”, which is about non-metaphorical werewolves (the lyrics don’t specify whether or not they’re depressed). Granted, “Of Wolf and Man” is kind of cheesy, but it’s still a solid cut with some excellent chugga-chugga riffing; in the pantheon of hard rock songs about lycanthropy, I’d rank it slightly higher than Ozzy Osbourne’s “Bark at the Moon” (which I have to assume is about metaphorical werewolves since actual werewolves howl at the moon rather than bark at it—though this distinction is somewhat puzzling since Ozzy had himself made-up like a non-metaphorical werewolf for the cover of the album and the song’s video). Anyway, The Black Album was a keystone disc for me that opened up a whole lot of sonic doors and proved to be a tantalizing viaduct to the more brutal metal I would soon become obsessed with. Since I heard “Enter Sandman” long before I heard “Fight Fire With Fire”, I wasn’t even cognizant that Metallica was toning down their sound—besides, I was too busy being floored by this aural juggernaut with walloping drums and an insanely cool riff progression to care (fun fact: “Sandman” was the very first song I learned to play on my very first guitar, a red Peavey Predator which I of course still have). Oh… “Keep On Runnin’ ” just ended. Shit, I wasn’t paying attention. It was… okay?

“Evolution” is a glaringly unsuitable title for a song that is practically identical to three other tracks on this disc. For all of their elemental equivalencies, “Evolution”, “Names”, “Maybe Not”, and “I Don’t Blame You” could have been recorded in a single sitting—hell, they could be alternate takes of the same tune which Chan Marshall simply superimposed different lyrics over. I’ve run out of clever ways to indicate when she’s playing the same plain melody ad nauseam for the entire song. Instead, I will merely note that “Evolution” features Marshall playing the same plain melody ad nauseam for the entire song. The best endorsement I can give this redundant ditty is that it marks the end of an album I have not enjoyed listening to very much.

So, there’s a really terrific EP buried amidst the hour-long straggle of detritus and tedium that comprises You Are Free, and there’s just enough testimony to support Chan Marshall’s classification as a worthy artist. However, I didn’t find the record “challenging” as much as I found it inconsistent and wearying. Marshall’s voice is sincerely magnificent, and I have no doubt she’s talented, but she seems to struggle with channeling her energies into songs which demonstrate both of those things at the same time. It’s possible she’s just one of those artists whose entire body of work needs to be absorbed to cultivate an inclusive appreciation—regardless, I have little desire to labor through five more Cat Power albums searching for a few additional tunes as good as the stronger tracks I’ve heard here. I highly doubt I will want to listen to You Are Free again for another 12 years, so I’m not sure there’s even a reason for me to keep my copy of it. Still, in the interest of thoroughness, I did replay the disc from start to finish while reading over what I’ve written here so far. End result: I’m still mostly meh about You Are Free, but now I’m totally in the mood to hear Metallica.          

I also ended up texting The Girl With the Neko Case Tote to ask her feelings on Cat Power; as I guessed, she is a fan. Interestingly, her estimation of Chan Marshall’s work is markedly similar to mine—she’s just far more forgiving than I am of the bouts of ennui between Chan’s intermittent bursts of excellence. She also informed me that Marshall’s history has been dogged by recurring struggles with alcoholism. This data probably should have caused me to reconsider the way I’ve been making light of her eccentric fitfulness in this piece, but instead it makes me wonder why her music isn’t more interesting when she has such an artistically-suitable vice to inspire her (I told you I was a dick sometimes). Deducing that booze is at the root of Cat Power’s gig cancellations and wildly uneven songwriting doesn’t necessarily make me enjoy her work any more or less—though her conduct does disqualify her from being an Elegantly-Wasted alcoholic and shift her more into the realm of a too-wasted-to-play alcoholic, which is a far less appealing breed to me.

Anyway, I asked my secret soul-mate’s permission to quote her response because it provided a nice balance to my own conclusions. This is what she typed:

“Here’s the thing with Cat Power tracks, they are either stunning… OR they’re… sort of eh matte mess because they sound half finished or undone or loose at the seams.”

This seemed to be right in line with Aaron’s assessment from 12 years earlier. Which makes me suspect that acknowledging Cat Power is terrible a lot of the time is an integral part of being a Cat Power fan. When I shared how unimpressed I was by Chan’s brand of prosaic, single-idea song-writing, she added:

“Baby listen, she’s drunk. And she’s Cat Power. So we forgive her and just stop listening to her songs for a while. Until I or we (Royal) become drunk and take her records off the shelf… And appreciate her humanity in all its stand-up and stumbling glory… She reminds us of someone we know, or someone we sometimes have been.”

The Girl With The Neko Case Tote may be onto something there. This entire installment has been crafted under the influence of mere coffee, so I might be missing the point because I’m missing a key ingredient of the Cat Power recipe. I wouldn’t be any kind of reporter if I didn’t pursue every possible avenue of our story here, which is why I’ve decided to do some field research: I have just opened a beer, and I’m going to proceed to get heavily intoxicated while listening to You Are Free one more time before I write the conclusion to this essay…

[a couple hours later] Okay, I’m drunk now and I played the disc again. Here’s what I found out: Ritual Brewing Company’s “Love & Malt” brown ale is mighty tasty. Still, the tunes I didn’t already enjoy on You Are Free only sound marginally better to me when I’m smashed—except for “I Don’t Blame You”, which sounds approximately 41% better. However, after I was done listening to Chan, I went ahead and cued up Metallica’s Black Album, and “Nothing Else Matters” sounds waaaaaaay better when I’m drunk  (“Don’t Tread on Me” still blows, though).

So now I’m loaded and I have no idea how to finish this piece (which, consequently, likely explains why many of the songs on You Are Free sound as slapdash and half-formed as they do). Reading back, I’m realizing this entry has been a rather vicious one. That’s not something I’ll necessarily apologize for—hey, I did my due diligence; I’ve listened to the record three times now, and by every objective criterion it’s more not-good than good. But after conscientiously ruminating on why the Cat Power apologue resonates as so uninviting to me, I think an explanation may have dawned on me: Chan Marshall is unstable, often disappointing, and she spent many years squandering her tremendous potential because of her self-destructive habits…

She does, indeed, remind me of “someone [I] sometimes have been.” And that evocation isn’t a particularly welcome one, because I’ve never liked that person a whole lot.

Goddamn. That’s a non-metaphorically depressing epiphany right there.

 November 28, 2015

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How Mad Men Star Kit Williamson Made His Own Gay Soap Opera

The problem, says Kit Williamson, is that EastSidersthe Emmy-nominated LGBT soap opera he created in 2012almost shares a name with EastEnders, the well-known BBC soap opera currently in its 32nd year.

And so when Williamson recommends people check out his drama about handsome LGBT Los Angelenos living, loving, screwing up, and doing what people on soap operas are wont to do, they end up going down totally the wrong rabbit hole on YouTube, and finding instead a group of East Londoners doing their own variation of the same, if at a much louder volume.

My recommendation: Watch both.

Season 3 of EastSiders, released on Nov. 28 digitally and on DVD, takes the shape of a cross-America road trip, complete with stunning skies and endless horizons, beginning with Douglas/Gomorrah Rey (played by Willam Belli) having a blow-up row in full drag and 116-degree heat beside the side of a highway, as his boyfriend Quincy (Stephen Guarino) tries in vain to pacify the situation.

Bellis heels melted in the heat, and Williamson, 32, directed the action clad in cooling wet towels. The glamor of independent web TV, he says, laughing.

Williamsons character, Cal, and partner Thom (Van Hansis) are heading back west after their sojourn in New York City, and have an encounter with a drifter played by model and porn star (and Donald Trump supporter) Colby Keller. Also returning for the third season are John Halbach, Williamsons real-life husband, and Constance Wu, Williamsons longtime buddy, as straight couple Ian and Kathy. (To confuse you even more, a leading mother-son duo in EastEnders is called the same.)

I wanted to create characters that I didnt really see on television, Williamson, who played Ed Gifford on Mad Men, told The Daily Beast. I think you see a lot of cautionary tales in LGBT representation and then hyper- morally-upright representations. Youre either in a couple, living in the suburbs with 2.5 kids, or youre a drug addict in the 1980s. Its rare that LGBT characters are allowed to operate in between, like all human beings operate.

Williamson is heartened by the growing diversity of representation in the TV shows of Shonda Rhimes and on cable, and hopes his EastSiders characters have flaws, make messes, and pick up the pieces, just like straight characters on TV.

EastSiders has been mostly financed through Kickstarter funding, raising $250,000 across three seasons. The third season is also partially funded by the AIDS Healthcare Foundation and Impulse Group Global, and the show incorporates both organizations safer sex messaging.

Its incredibly moving, says Williamson of the publics generous financial support for the show, which makes him even more determined that the show does its fans justice. EastSiders aims to be as culturally mixed as a small cast and limited number of episodes can allow. Inclusive storytelling should be everybodys goal, says Williamson.

If Williamson has a dream, it is that one day television will be able to sustain having two LGBT-themed shows on at the same time; or even that there will be LGBT lead characters on TV, whose sexuality or gender identity is part of their identities, rather than defining them.

Until that rainbow shines, we have a smattering of characters and shows like Queer as Folk, The L Word, and Looking, which flicker into life, cause their controversies and debates, then go. The capriciousness of LGBT representation on our screens is down to the capriciousness of mostly straight-run broadcasters.

Hansis himself found fame as Luke Snyder on CBS daytime soap As The World Turns, as a landmark gay character whom fans clamored to be allowed to kiss his boyfriend, Noah (Jake Silbermann). (Oh, have you seen their horsing-around towel wrestle? You must see the towel wrestle.)

EastSiders refers geographically to the parts of East Los AngelesSilver Lake, Los Feliz Echo Park, DTLAwhere the characters live, a boho-y, very different sort of vibe to the muscle boys of West Hollywood, although (as their social media accounts reveal) the extremely handsome and charming Williamson and Halbach look just as hot as any WeHo guy.

Some scenes in the show are filmed at the mens home, and looks attractively ruffled and laid-back, filled with vintage furniture, mismatched cushions and twinkly lights.

Williamson had problems getting straight actors to play gay when EastSiders first began, even though there were no sex scenes in the first two seasons. Any show with gay content is immediately presumed to be exploitative, Williamson notes.

The road trip of Season 3 was filmed on the road itself, with cast and crew starting out in Woodstock, upstate New York, and ending up in Los Angeles, trundling across the vast expanse of America in a vintage camper trailer and another vehicle.

It took two weeks, with an extended stay in Idaho to scout locations and shoot scenes. It was exciting, invigorating and harrowing, says Williamson, laughing. Its no small undertaking taking two carloads of people across the country, and making sure theyre in bed at a reasonable hour.

The team ran afoul of a runaway tire that put a dent in the camper early on. They were snowed out of Yellowstone National Park. They shot on the fly, and in some places permits allowing them to film were withdrawn when it was revealed that it was a gay-themed TV show.

We started telling places where we wanted to film that it was called Go West, and just said it was about two friends driving across the country together, Williamson says.

The Black Hills of South Dakota were especially breathtaking, he says. You owe yourself ten minutes off the main drag to see the Badlands (National Park in South Dakota). I could have explored it all day if I had the chance. I am a huge lover of mountains. Even though it was terrifying driving that fucking camper trailer up and down mountains it was still breathtaking, even if I nearly killed everybody two or three times.

Williamson concedes that he is biased about California where he lives, but recommends the eastern part near Nevada for that big sky feeling, and that moment you get to the coast after weeks on the road to arrive at the Pacific Ocean and put your feet in the sand. It felt like a cool homecoming for the characters and the crew.

It was a really challenging place to grow up gay, and I also grew up very religious which didnt help matters.

Williamson himself grew up in Mississippi, where the countrys most anti-LGBT law, HB 1523, has just taken root. He is surprised as to how little attention the law has garnered nationally, compared to the outcry over similar laws in North Carolina.

I think a lot of people write off Mississippi as a lost cause, says Williamson, who emceed a Pride celebration there two years ago. I understand why, but its still sad to me as a person who grew up there. I really want people to understand there are great people living in Mississippi fighting for their own rights and fighting for their neighbors.

There was a lot of homophobia when he was growing up, says Williamson. It was a really challenging place to grow up gay, and I also grew up very religious which didnt help matters. It was definitely a challenge for my family to understand me.

His whole family are employed in the area of law, and he surprised all of them by wanting to act. They were supportive of me, even if part of them thought Hell get over this eventually and enter the family business. I tell them, One day Ill play a lawyer on TV. Thats all I can guarantee.

As a boy, Williamson was a big nerd. I read a lot of fantasy novels. I had a mullet. I was very socially awkward, and it was difficult at school to be friends with other people. It was really hard for me. I knew I was different, I didnt know why. I was savagely bullied as a kid, people were terrible to me.

Williamsons older sister modeled herself on the cult animated character, Daria. I thought the way you handled bullies was being sarcastic and funny, he says. It didnt turn out well.

He and Halbach once compared notes on childhood bullying. I was Gay Kid and he was Gay Boy. We both had really unoriginal bullies. Williamson laughs softly. Little did they know that Gay Kid and Gay Boy were going to get together.

I didnt really think growing up that it would be possible wed have gay marriage nationally, he adds. To be able to take advantage of it as a citizenhe and Halbach married last yearhas been so incredibly moving to me.

Williamson and Halbach met in March 2007. Williamson was then a bartender at NYC theater-land hangout Angus McIndoe, and the men were introduced by a mutual friend who told each of them separately, Hes single and not crazy. It was a perfectly judged match. That night, the men stayed talking until the bar closed.

Williamson had underplayed the significance of marriage equality because the possibility seemed so far off, he adds. When the Supreme Court ruled, it hit us both. Wed been denying ourselves something that we really did find meaningful. Im so glad we did it.

Williamson has worked successfully as a filmmaker and actor for years. Making Mad Men was a masterclass, he says, watching both those in front and behind the cameras. The sexy pictures on his Instagram account are in service of promoting his work and LGBT rights, he insists, adding with another laugh, and in shamelessly promoting ourselves. Instagram is a tool for good and evil, and we try to use it for good, for the best of possibilities.

Williamson chuckles that the idea was to use social media to direct people to EastSiders and the mens other work, promoting fashion and fitness influencers and LGBT destinations, but now people recognize him and Halbach from social media itself.

How EastSiders fans respond to the inclusion of Colby Keller remains to be seen. His scenes were shot before he revealed his support of Donald Trump.

I was really surprised and caught off guard when I saw that, says Williamson, who, a Hillary Clinton supporter, had been shocked when Trump triumphed in last years presidential election. I was driving to Idaho when the gay blogs erupted in fury over his (Kellers) political leanings. We did make the choice not to replace him. I havent talked to him about what happened.

When it came to keeping Keller in the season, Williamson asked himself whether he would work with Susan Sarandon, another Clinton naysayer who backed Bernie Sanders.

I think were living in really, really divided times, and I dont want to do anything to add to that divide, says Williamson. I also dont think we should be casting people out of the village. Its complicated. A lot of my family members support Trump, not for ideologically pure reasons beyond really liking the guy and what he stands for.

Keeping Kellers role in EastSiders intact presented an interesting dilemma, and I dont have the answer to it, Willliamson admits.

I ask, had he known that Keller was a Trump supporter, would Williamson have still signed him up?

I dont know. When we were planning the season we were 99 percent sure Hillary Clinton was going to be president. Faced with the reality of working with an active Trump supporter right now in 2017 my answer would be no. Its just too much of open wound for me, and friends I know who are afraid of being deported. I do think its a very serious situation.

If Hollywood is to have any leg to stand on in shaping the culture we need to own up to the abuses of power that are very real.

Williamson recently posted on social media his experience of sexual harassment when he was starting out in the entertainment industry.

At 18, he was invited to a party at an agents house. He proceeded to tell me not to come out if I wanted to be an actor, to stay in the closet, and then tried to put his hand down my pants, Williamson recalls. It was this one, two punch of harassment and homophobia that was a bitter pill to swallow, and it soured me on Los Angeles for a couple of years.

He did not suffer any graver sexual assaults, as allegedly committed by the likes of Harvey Weinstein and Kevin fucking Spacey. I think its really important we have these conversations. If Hollywood is to have any leg to stand on in shaping the culture we need to own up to the abuses of power that are very real.

What his experience also shows, again, is Hollywoods powerful gays seeking to keep the closet intact, part of a historyfor Willliamsonof different groups acting as their own morality police and oppressors.

Its very sad and true. Theres still not been a gay movie star. Look at a lot of people who have succeeded on television. Most come out after their big break. Im not here to judge: Its brave to come out at the height of your success, but in 2017 I think we need to look at the paths other people have blazed for us and be brave enough to walk down them without fear.

Next for Williamson may come more EastSiders. He is also writing a series about queer thirtysomethings set in New Orleans.

Id love to get to a place where the leads of a show can be gay where that is normal and not extraordinary, says Williamson, and where the storylines can be both unique to us and more universal in the same breath; where we are allowed to be doctors, husbands, wives, crazy, not crazy, parents, single, slutty, and settled.

The whole incredible range of human experience should allowed to be represented in LGBT characters, where we are not defined solely by our sexuality.

The open road Williamson and his crew traveled for Season 3 of EastSiders perhaps says it all.

The third season of EastSiders will be released on DVD by Wolfe Video and digital platforms on Nov. 28. More details here.

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