#but its a 'brain crash so severe that i cant even will myself out of bed' kind of day | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

pagingevilspawn · 4 years ago

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You Said You’d Grow Old With Me

again, another one-shot that i never posted on tumblr, only the link, so yeah! im also pretty sure this fic makes no sense, but my 4 am brain wrote it so...

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"thought we had the time, had our lives, now you'll never get older, older"

~*~

TW// major character death

takes place some time after 16x15, before 16x16.

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Jo was laying in her bed. Their bed. The bed that felt too cold. The bed that felt too empty. The bed that felt too big. After crying she felt better, having Link comfort her while she broke down. She wanted him back. She wanted him to answer her calls. She needed to know if he was okay. If he left her like she thought he did she at least needed to know if he was okay. One call. One text. Thats all she was asking for.

Except she wouldn't be satisfied with that. The five different positive pregnancy tests to the side of her were an example. She was pregnant. They were pregnant. How the hell did that happen? She was just pranking him about having a baby a two months ago, and now she really was going to have one? And at the best of times too. Right when her husband decides to go MIA.

She wasn't sure how long she sat there for, staring blankly into the distance, her body incapable of feeling anything. Numb. Thats how she felt. She felt like she was bathing in a tub of ice and all her sense and nerves had just shut down. Numb.

She'd only been numb once before, after seeing Paul for the first time in five years. Bu this was worse, oh this was so much worse. She couldn't breathe. She couldn't move. She couldn't talk. She couldn't do anything, she was just numb.

She wishes she could say she was startled by the sound of knocking her door, but she wasn't. She'd gotten used to Meredith and Link coming over at random hours of the day. Sometimes to rant about anything, or sometimes to just talk with her.

Maybe it's Alex, she thinks, and with that thought she gets up from the too big bed and makes her way to the loft's wooden door.

Please be you please be you.

The door opens and the sight she sees is one she wishes she didn't.

In one second she knew that her whole world was about to crumble under her feet. Oh god, how badly she wished she stayed in bed, how badly she wished she was at the hospital.

"Ma'am is this the home of Alexander Karev?" the officer asks, looking up from his notepad, his partner standing next to him dutifully.

Jo gulps visibly, already feeling the tears burning in her eyes. "Y-yes, he's my husband, i'm his wife."

The two officer share a sympathetic glance. "We're afraid there's been an accident.

____

After a short phone call with Meredith and one plane ride to some place in Oregon, Jo is standing outside some hospital she's never heard of, Meredith right by her side, holding her hand so tightly, like it was a life-line. Because it was. They knew nothing. All they knew was that Alex was involved in a ca accident that involved a drunk driver, and they hadn't been able to identify him for the past two weeks. They didn't know anything. Was he alive? Was he dead? Had they simply only contacted her so they would know what to do with his body? Was he seriously just okay and he was in a medically induced coma? Did he have amnesia? Did he not remember who he was?

For two weeks her husband had been just another John Doe. One that they see in the pit nearly every day.

He wasn't Doctor Alex. He was even a doctor. He wasn't her husband. He wasn't a best friend, a companion, a lover. He wasn't a surgeon who saved the lives of tiny humans. He wasn't a guy who made little kids less scared of the hospital. He was just another meaningless John Doe, taking up space in the ICU.

But oh, she felt guilty. So guilty. She was worried that he was having some kind of secret affair while he was really just in the hospital.

Meredith squeezes her hand, "You ready?" she croaks out, her red rimmed eyes string up at the hospital in front of her. Meredith wasn't ready. She wasn't ready for what stood behind those doors. She wasn't ready.

"No." Jo shakes her head, a few stray tears already coming down her cheek. She hadn't gotten them to stop. She physically couldn't get them to stop. Ever since those six dreadful words came out of the officer mouth.

Meredith sighs in understanding, "I know." she says, stepping forward and taking the first steps, Jo following behind her robotically.

No, not robotically. Numbly.

How naive she was, thinking that what she felt earlier was numbness, this was a whole new level. This was paralyzing. This was frightening. This was feeling her body start to disintegrate piece by piece.

Without knowing it she was standing on the sixth floor, the ICU. Meredith leans over the nurses station, asking for the room number for Alex Karev.

Jo doesn't see the sad, sympathetic smile the nurse gives the two, but Meredith does. And that's when she knew that things weren't going to be alright. Nothing was going to be bright and shiny and happy with unicorns and rainbows.

Somehow, they end up on the other side of the Alex's room, but Jo had yet to look up from her gaze on the floor. She's never noticed how white the linoleum of hospital floor were. They were shiny too. So shiny that she could see her reflection.

It was when Meredith lets out a soft sob that she finally decides to look up, not at all prepared for the sight in front of her.

The sight of her husband, the love of her life, lying in a bed, tubes sticking out of every possible place in his body.

It was then she felt her whole world crash down. Crash down and burn. A gut wrenching sob escapes her throat, a hand coming up to cover her mouth as the tears come down her face. They come down so fast she cant even wipe them away until her face is soaked again.

"Mer I-i," she chokes out, feeling her breathing start to pick up as she tries and fails to form her words.

Meredith nods, "Go in." she whispers brokenly, watching as a doctor makes his way towards.

The doctor holds out his palm to the blonde, "Hi i'm Doctor Kelsey, i'm the neurosurgeon on Mr. Karev's case-"

"It's doctor." she interrupts him. "Doctor Karev. Doctor Alex Karev." she says slowly.

The man nods, "Okay, Dr. Karev has been here for fifteen days now. There was an MVC on the 45 with a drunk driver and he ended up getting very severely injured-"

She cuts him off again, "I'm sorry, let me introduce myself. I'm Dr. Meredith Grey."

She watches as the man's eyes widen in surprise. He was standing in front of Meredith Grey? The Meredith Grey? Catherine Fox Award Meredith Grey? Daughter of two time Catherine Fox recipient Ellis Grey?

"W-wow. I-its an honor to meet you Doctor Grey, i'm a big fan." he says, smiling brightly.

Meredith jolts back in shock, eyes narrowing at the man who was about ten years older than her. "It's an honor to meet me?" she hisses, watching as the fellow surgeon's smile falls as quickly as it appeared.

"I-its an honor to meet me? That's what you have to say? You have the audacity to say that, as i stand here, outside of the room of my best friend, who is alive because of tubes and vents? It's an honor to meet me, when the only reason i'm here if because my best friend, my person, is lying there, unable to move or breathe, or talk? It's an honor to meet me?" Meredith yells , tears escaping her eyes, earning the attention from the others in the ICU, but she didn't care.

The man nods furiously, "O-of course, i'm so sorry Doctor Grey, that was very disrespectful of me." he says, going on to explain the extent of Alex's injuries.

___

Jo stumbles into the room lifelessly, seeing the unmoving body of her husband lying on the bed.

The sight causes a whole new round of tears to spring into her eyes and down her cheeks, "Oh Alex," she chokes out, grabbing ahold of his left hand, clasping it firmly in her palm.

it was cold. Way too cold. Normally his hands were warm. Not sweaty or clammy, they were just warm and soothing, perfect for her's to slip into at any time of the day.

She feels the cold band of his wedding ring touch her fingers and that's when she lets the sobs take over.

The gut wrenching, heart breaking, deep sobs as she collapses on the side of his bed and onto her knees, completely ignoring the chair next to her.

She couldn't hold herself up. its like her legs could not longer support her, like they had turned into helpless piles of water, "Alex please." she begs, lips trembling as she places kiss over kiss on his hand.

She wasn't stupid, she was a doctor. She knew what all the tuning and the wires and the ventilators meant.

"Please tell me this is just some joke. Some really mean, really awful joke. Please Alex. Please." she cries.

"Please tell me this is just a nightmare, an awful, awful nightmare. Please tell me this isn't real Alex. Please." she begs, holding his hand so tight as her body shakes with sobs.

She shakes her head, laughing softly at first, then louder and louder, "Oh god." she sobs, her laughter coming to a halt. "This is real." she whispers, feeling as her tears drop from her eyes to the floor.

"No Alex. you don't get to die on me alright? Because, because i cant live without you okay? You-you need to know that. If you, if you die, i die." she says, taking both of her palms and clasping her tiny hands around his big one.

She shakes her head, "No Alex. You don't get to do this to me. You don't get to leave me. We-we meed to grow old a and grey, and we need to have kids. So many kids. We need to have at least three kids. We need to get a dog a-and travel the world. We still need to do that Alex."

Jo sniffles, "But it's not only you that needs me Alex, this baby needs you too." she sobs, standing up and sitting down on the bed, taking Alex's hand and placing it over her stomach, hoping that this would be enough. That this would be enough for him to wake up, to defy all medical standards and wake the hell up.

"Please Alex, this baby needs you." Jo sobs, "Because, i sure as hell can't do this without you. Y-you're the peds surgeon Alex, you were practically born to be a dad." she wipes her tears to no avail, since they just kept coming. "You need to hold this baby in your arms, you need to be there with me to tell them about how we had sex in a shed next to a corpse on our wedding on their wedding day. You-you need to see them grow up and graduate Alex."

"Y-you need to be there Alex. I need you, Mer needs. Zola and Bailey and Ellis, they need you. The tiny children that you save all the time need you. They need Doctor Alex. I need Doctor Alex."

"I-i need you to get so overprotective if it's a girl when she has her first boyfriend. I need to watch you teach our baby how to wrestle if he's a boy. Or a girl, i'm not judging." she chuckles soft'y, holding his palm against her still flat abdomen.

She lays down beside him, laying there in silence for a long time. She lets the thoughts roam in her mind.

Jo sighs, "I hated you at first." she starts, absentmindedly threading her fingers though his hair like she had done so many time before. 'Like seriously, you were one of the biggest assholes I ever met." she chuckles softly.

"And then there was the teen mom who was just going to abandon her baby that i went al crazy on, rightfully so by the way." she smiles slightly, knowing that if he could somehow hear her he was probably rolling his eyes. "And then suddenly, i told you my whole life story, just like that. I'd never done that with anyone before." she sighs, glancing back down to her stomach, where she had her hand clasped in his in a hold over her stomach. "I'd never opened up to someone so easily before. It was like... my heart knew I could trust you before any other part of me could."

"I know i know, you're laughing at me. I sound like something out of a cheesy lifetime movie." she smiles softly. "And then came Ben and Bailey's wedding, and then, before i knew it, you were my best friend."

She starts to trace his fingers, something she always did to calm her down, "And then, one day, i was drinking a beer at Joe's with Jason, and all i could think was that i would rather be with you, on the couch that I bought, and watching action movies with you. That's when i realized i was i love with you." she whispers, some new tears building in her eyes.

"And then we wen through crap. So much crap Alex. That's why this can't be the end. Thats why this can't be the end of us okay? Because we've been through too much crap to let a drunk driver end us."

"Please Alex, i'm begging you, come back." she sobs, starting to pound her fists on his chest.

"Come back! Come back you son of a bitch! Come back!" Jo cries, unable to atop the steady flow of water coming down her face.

"Please Alex." Jo begs, her eyes so red and puffy that they looked like she had been crying for years. "You-you have my whole heart Alex. And i-if you die, you will crush it, and I wont make it. I cant live without you okay? You hear me? I need you Alex. I- i cant breathe. I cant breathe, ii cant exist in a world without you in it, okay?" she sobs, hyperventilating as she trues to get her words out, which only came out in barely audible sobs.

Somewhere along the way she cries herself to sleep, waking up a nearly a whole day later to a view of Meredith, Amelia, Tom, Jackson, Arizona, Callie, Link, Cristina, Bailey, and Richard standing outside the ICU.

And for one second, before she opens her eyes, she forgets everything, simply snuggling into the body and the scent she missed so much, a combination of aftershave and spearmint.

And then she remembers.

And oh god, she just wants to die.

She feels like a knife is being driven through her heart, stabbing her again and again and again, with absolutely no intention to stop.

Eventually Meredith breaks her out of her trance by knocking on the door, in which Jo responds by a head nod, letting her know that it was okay to come in.

The blonde enters, flowed by Amelia and Tom. "I called them. I wanted them here to consult, look at all his scans, everything." Meredith mutters, her voice hoarse and broken from trying to hold in her tears.

Jo looks up at the two, a small glimmer of hope shining in her eyes, "P-please." she stutters out, her voice high pitched and squeaky, sounding more broken than they'd ever heard her before, "tell me you guys can do something."

Amelia takes a deep breath, letting a few drops of water pool in her eyes, "Jo-"

"No," she sobs, shaking her head. "It took me twenty-seven years to find him, longer to realize i loved him, and even longer to be able to marry him." she starts to shake, trying to take in every detail of his face.

His overgrown stubble.

The soft creases around his eyes.

The slight wrinkles etched into his forehead.

"Jo, we can't bring him back. I'm so sorry." Tom says, trying to put a comforting hand on her shoulder, which she shakes off.

She slowly nods, unconsciously mumbling something about how she was going to let everyone say their goodbyes before she said hers.

So thats what she did. One by one the said their tearful, heartbroken goodbyes, still i denial that the man they loved would soon be gone.

Jo goes in one last time, lying down next to him, holding his figure in her arms. "I love you." she sobs.

"I haven't said that enough. I love you Alex. God, I love you so much jerkface. I didn't know it was possible to love someone as much as i love you." she cried, her tears an endless flow into a river. "I love you, i love you, i love you."

"And, please, please love me enough to come back." she begs him, still holding onto that tiny bit of hope.

"You said we'd be together forever Alex. You and me. Please, please let there be forever." she pleads with him one last time, giving him a soft kiss on his cheek.

With one deep breath she gives a nod to the nurse, who slowly begins to remove the ventilator. Then she unplugs him from all the machine.

She lays her head on his heart, feeling as he breathes one last time under her.

And then, she places a kiss on his lips, one last time

and all of a sudden,

he was gone.

"we had plans, we had visions, now i cant see ahead. We were one, were golden, forever you said."

"didn't say goodbye now I'm frozen in time getting colder, colder. "

"One last word. One last moment. To ask you why, you left me here behind."

"You said you'd grow old with me."

#jolex #jolex fic #jolexau #ignoring canon #jolex fanfic #jolex fanfiction #alex karev #jo wilson #jo karev #greysanatomy #greys anatomy #greys abc #meredith grey #major character death #based on a song

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sweater-daddiesdumbdork · 5 years ago

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Fun Times with Wankers and Twats

Summary- Set with Playing It Cool characters. Mike x You. Going to one of Mallorys one woman shows might actually prove to be a good time Mike finds out. Nsfw. Sexy time.

Work Count- 5k

A/N- Named “Me” Mike cause I like that better. Mallory is doing some British Slang, given to me by @what-is-your-plan-today (thanks babes, I so appreciate the help) and well excuse how bad her imitations are. Lol

You looked over Mikes shoulder at the computer screen that he had been staring at for the past fifteen minutes, his eyes just roving back and forth reading. Proof reading quickly before he had Scott or Samson read it. Your hand slid along his shoulders and could feel the tension in them, knotting right where it always did when he was close to finishing. Digging your fingers into the muscle and rolling your palm into them made him sigh with relief. “You need to relax Mike, you know its good.”

“But is it good enough?” He pondered, sliding his fingers over the mouse to save it.

Causing you to roll your eyes at him, and grip the back of his wheely chair, pulling it away from the screen, turning it so he was facing away from the screen and more at you, you leaned down so your hands were bracing against the arms on either side of him and your face was inches away. “If I said it was fictional magic would you believe me? Action pack vividness? Dramatic flair making me just wanna throw myself at the main character? I mean, that would mean leaving you for a fictional character, but damn baby you wrote him just that damn good.”

“I would have to find his fictional ass and kick it for stealing my girl.” He said so solemnly that you chuckled and pecked his lips in a kiss. “and I can see down your shirt.” His head tilted, admiring the view. You tipped your own head to see what he was seeing, and you winked at him afterwards. “Preview for later, come on. You need to get dressed a bit more then tshirt and boxers.” Lifting yourself away and he scowled at loosing the view.

“Later? why the hell we waiting till later?” He groaned and tipped his head back, stretching out his arms over his head. “Where we going?”

You grabbed your purse and tossed your phone in, looking over at him low class acting like a child with that scowl on his face. “Mallory invited us to her one woman reading tonight. And were going to be supportive friends and go.”

He groaned once more in the child like whine of his, pushing his laptop shut. “Watch this is gonna be something like the vagina monologues. I can already see it now Y/N. There better be plenty of drinks coming to our table.” You nodded listening to him and leaned your chin on your palm, elbow to the counter.

“Handsome, would I ever drag you to anything that doesn’t have beer? And You cant bring up that one time at my parents dinner party, cause I snuck it in for you.”

He grinned as he spun the chair and got up to head into the bedroom, grabbing a pair of jeans from the dresser. “Okay, I give you that. And like you said, were supporting Mallory.” You patiently wait, keys in hand, going to grab his phone off the table and tossing it as well in your bag. Mike had a writers brain, scattered and daydreaming alot. He came out patting his pockets, looking around.

“On the table by the door, along with the keys” You shoulder your bag, knowing he was looking for his wallet. Going to where you told him, a big grin crossed his face, and slipped both in his back pocket, wrapping an arm over your shoulder as he followed you out into the apartments lobby once locking the door. “What would I do without you sweetheart?” He kissed your temple and you smirk, looking up at him as you to wrap your arm around to rest your hand in his pocket, squeezing his ass lightly.

“Crash and burn Mike, Crash and burn.” chuckling as the two of you reach the car, you split away to get in on the passengers side once he unlocks it, and get comfy, the bar wasnt to far off, but you suspected you might be giving a few rides home. While Mike pulled off the curb, you dug out your phones and wallet, storing the rest of the bag on the back seat floor.

Mallory was already ringing your phone, and when you clicked answer, she didn't even give you a chance to say hello "oye! When ya getting here?!"

"Mal, relax. Fifteen minutes, plus you saved us a table front row right?" Your eyes rolled to see Mike give an audible groan, making you snicker.

"Course ya blimey wanker. Tell Mikey Boy to quit pissing and moaning."

"Mal said quite pissing and moaning."

Raising his voice he shouted. "This time she better not throw decapitated baby heads at my crotch either. Thats not art Mallory, that's battery."

"Oh what a twat. You can't censor me darlings, cheerio!" CLICK! And she was gone. Mallory was pretty ... Someone all her own.

"Sounds like were betting a British Mallory tonight" you exclaim excitedly as he looked to find parking. You search through the cars cup holders for change to toss into the parking meters.

"As long as its not that German one. Shes always violent when its the German one." He grumbled as he got out, recalling how fond he was when she threw several heads screaming in what you only assume was German, you were inclined to agree. Following him out, you handed the change to him to fill the meter.

Inside the local bar it was dark, a tad smokey, and the clinks of shots being taken at the bar are the first thing to notice. Next is a spotlight flooding the small stage towards the back, and there is Mallory dressed in a black dress, and a lit smoke balanced delicately between two fingers. She was sitting on the edge of the stage, rolling her heeled foot with impatience and bringing her fancy cigarette to her lips.

"My darlings! There you are!" She hops down and you look over your shoulder to see Mike close by, coming right up behind you and kissing the curve of your neck playfully, whispering. “Shes not armed is she?”

You squint at the woman coming towards you, and whisper back. “Not that I can tell.” Grinning and placing a hand to your hip, acting as if you were checking Mallory out. “Well M’Lady, arnt you looking fine.”

You could see that she soaked in the compliment, tilting her head back and bringing the cigarette to her lips, pursing them in an exaggerated manner to purr out a ring of smoke. “Thank you darling, its all for the art that is life. Now you bitches come sit down.”

Charming as always.

She grabbed your hand, and she tugged the two of you to a crowded table. You promptly took the seat next to Scott, and gave a small wave hello to the other two occupants there, Samson and Lyle. They currently were debating over beer, which was the better kind. Samson was all for an all american beer such as budweiser if his comments were anything to go by. “Why change whats already good! This shit gets the job done.”

Mike behind you lowers towards your ear to speak with you. “What do you want from the bar babe?” You look down at your friends, arching brows. “Whats good tonight?” Scott just hands over his craft beer, allowing you to taste. It wasnt bad, dark though. Samson holds up the all familiar red and white bottle and gives a low burp, and Lyle, well.... whatever he had just looked messed up, sloshing neon poison in his cup. “My own brew, I snuck it in. Made it in the back of my van.” Yea, Hard pass buddy.

“Think Im gonna go with what Scotts having.” You tip your head back and nip in play at his jawline, and his hand gives your ass a slight pinch making you wiggle in your seat. Mallory next to you finishes off her shot of Vodka, about to throw her glass cause she was just that out there of a woman, but you take it from her before that happens.

“Vodka to Wanker! Refill me up Buddy” She yells before grasping her black clutch and pulling out a tube of red lipstick, applying it heavily.

“You ready? Looks like a good crowd.” You look around the room, and it did seem exceptionally busy tonight.

“Always, my life is nothing but a stage” She said enthusiastically and puckered her lips, kissing your cheek to leave a mark on it. “Now I must go appease my fans.” She handed off her clutch to you and dispersed to the stage. Mike came back, just as you were digging for a napkin to smudge off Mallorys lipstick, he handed off your beer to you and a smirk played on his lips.

“You know if you wanted to get frisky with Mal, all you had to do was tell me, dont need to hide it.” He grinned, sipping from his beer he had gotten himself, and set Mallorys refilled vodka towards the middle of the table so no one would mess around with it.

“You would like that wouldnt you.” You licked your thumb and scrubbed at your cheek. “Help me get it off?” You grab his hand and suck on his thumb to the first knuckle, using your tongue to moisten his fingertip. Smirking as you saw his eyes darken at the sight. Take that Handsome! He popped it from between your lips and started to wipe off the lipstick.

“I would be lying if I didnt say that it would be pretty hott.” he shrugged, looking at you from a sideways glance while he tipped his glass up to his lips. You arched your brows, and bit your lip, glancing at Mallory getting herself prepared on stage. You know hes expecting you to call him on his shit, but oh no, your not about that today.

“You know what Mike” Your hand slides against his thigh, sliding to the inside and grasping lightly. “You go ahead and ask her baby, see how she feels about it.” Might have been mean, you were well aware of there history together, Mike having told you when you two first started going out. Now it was truly all under the bridge between them, but he did spurt his beer back in his glass in surprise, causing you to snort laughing. It was this moment the rest of the guys decided to throw in there opinions.

“You know there aint nothing wrong with adding a little spice to the bedroom.” Samson remarked. “Wham, Bam, Thank you Ma’am.”

You snicker. “Im sure your wife is all about bringing another woman into the bed to join you two.” He shrugged and sighed at that.

“She is less in favor then I am, that is for certain. It will happen one day though, I have faith!”

Lyles eyes never left Mallory as he remarked “Hey, as long as you both are into it, I dont see the harm in having a good fuck once in a while.” At this Scott rolled his eyes and shook his head.

“You all are hopeless, if you love someone, whats the need to add anymore into the bedroom then just the two of you. Its supposed to be an expression of love.” Leave it to Scott to bring in the more serious aspect, you rest your head on his shoulder and remark.

“Awww Scottie-too-hottie, we all love you.” He resigned that none of you would actually take him seriously, and turned his attention back to the stage once the lights started to dim. Mallory, in all her dramatic glory whipped on stage, her heels clicking, her hand holding her cigarette held jaunty in the air. “Women can fake orgasms, and men can fake a relationship.... My memoirs”

There was a semi collective groan at your table. And you still having your hand on Mikes thigh gave a light squeeze. Be nice. He glanced over at you and rubbed your lower back as his way of forgiveness, not wanting to interrupt Mallorys opening. “When I was 13, I had my first period...” Oh boy.

You kinda go in and out, of paying attention, cause Mike reached under the table for your hand grasping his thigh and slid it up, cause sure enough, there was something much more interesting to pay attention to for you. Your palm cupped his erection through his jeans, and he leaned his elbows on the table, hands cradling his face as he watched the stage. You know that apt focus, unblinking eyes and flared nostrils are not because the show was that good.

Sorry Mal. We still love you though.

You slide your chair over closer to Mike, changing from leaning on Scotts shoulder to his, and flicked your fingers to snap open the button of his pants. Tilting your head to bite his shoulder, whispering just for him to hear. “Get them down Stud, and I will really make this worth it.” Without looking or acknowledging you, he did as you asked, dropping a hand momentarily under then table, then bringing it back up.

Drawing him from his pants and boxers, giving him a full palm wrap around, and your thumb circling the head, pressing lightly along the slit, a little moist. You kept your movements subtle, a light squeeze, fingertips trailing up and down his length, which now you could feel was fully perked due to interest in your part. A dip of the hand once you reached near his groin, rolling his testicles around your fingers. Your gaze went back and forth beween his face and the stage, where Mallory started in on her next traumatizing bit.

“If sex is a pain in the ass, then trust me, your doing it wrong”

Your attention returns to Mallory, still giving firm strokes to Mikes cock under the table, you could see when he went to grasp his beer bottle, he did a bit to hard, his knuckles growing white, the way he swallowed down his drink was harsh, not a sip but a large gulp. On the other side the rest were oblivious to what game you two were toying at, it made it that much more exciting. That much more of a risk. God you almost wanted to drag him home now. Or back to the backseat of the car, that was fun.

Tensing in your hold, you felt him stiffen in his seat, and a rugged word commanding your movements. “Faster” and you rubbed your nose in against his neck, kissing that little spot near his ear that always made him inhale sharply. Today was no different.

“Feel good doesnt it, playing out in the open.” A bite to his lobe and pulling away, sure to keep yourself angled into him. Now you worked him, your thumb sweeping over his head, following the slit collected pre cum, and you jerked your hand faster, to bring him to release. Now his breathing was ragged sharp inhales through his nose, not daring to open his mouth should he make a interrupting sound. Once in a while his hip would jerk, following your hand and you would press your face in against his shoulder to hide a chuckle from you.

“Oh fuck.” He wheezed and there it was, his cock throbbing, and pumping in your hand, released, and he took a gasp, his leg accidentally kicking against the table leg.

“Leg cramp babes?” You question to hide from the others who glanced at you with questioning looks, Mike promptly nodded in reply with what you were saying. When no one was paying attention, you lifted your hand away and sucked on a fingertip, tasting him as he hurriedly stuffed himself back away, his eyes flashing at the way you were sucking him off your hand. He groaned and couldnt tear his eyes away. Grinning as you bit the tip of your finger, you leaned into him and slanted your face to fit your lips against his. The tip of your tongue trailed the seam of his mouth and the moment he parted his lips, you plunged in. Oh baby, this was all your kiss, and you were sure to keep all control of it. Drawing back your tongue, and swiping over his teeth, back to tangle with his.

“You two are seriously making out during this?” Scott chided the two of you while Samson at the other end of the table was doing a fist pump. Lyle at this point was drowsy and half hanging in his chair, probably whatever poison he managed to brew in the back of that van.

“What? that was riveting emotional story telling.” You smile innocently at Scott who narrows his eyes at you, Mike loping an arm around your shoulder and bringing you in close.

“We got caught up in the moment, Scott.” Mike grinned, obvious in being a shit about it.

“What was the play about, Hmm?” He arched his brows, and a slight panicked look crossed Mikes face as he sought out an answer hopefully from Samson or Lyle, but they both had a smug look on there face. You two werent necessarily caught, but they all knew something was up.

“Uuuh er- about her weirdly adolescent life changes? With Wanker thrown in continuously?” Mike took a shot in the dark, and they all grumbled, yea he gotten it right. Dont ask him the personal details, which he was damn glad he didnt pay attention to now. Some things, you just dont need to know. If there was one thing he was good at, it was using his writers brain to bullshit a lie into believable.

Mallory bounced off stage, her cigarette finally gone off the stick, but she collected her back satchel from you and dug on out. Not that she was a smoker, it was more once she was in a character, she remained in that character. “So? What did all my lovelies think?”

Everyone was quiet for a moment, occupied with looking in there glasses, or finishing the last swallow or two, Mallory looked wide eyed around the table. “Well dont everyone gush about my performance at once.”

You decided that you would break the seconds of silence. “Babes, Love. Magnificent, I might leave Mike and shack up with you instead. You get me, your performance, so great!” Shit shit shit shit, what did she say? Something about asses. “I think more men should take it in the ass to see what you were talking about.”

So this made Scott start laughing, he was just about crying, Mike and Samson both choked on that last swallow, and Lyle just shrugged and gave a goofy grin. “Sure, I try anything once!”

Mallory gave you the biggest hug and kiss on the cheek, replacing the one she had left there earlier. “Darling, YOUR THE BEST.” grabbing her vodka from before, she shot it down all to once, getting to finally smash her glass on the ground in a dramatic turn of events. “SHOTS ON ME!” She grabbed Scott this time as Mike ducked out of her reach, and she stomped off with him. Mike came back up to you, wrapping an arm around your waist and pulling you in close to him, swaying a bit to the jazz music playing.

“You want to get me pegged?” He mused, arching a brow, and he lifted to lick the pad of his thumb, rubbing it over your cheek to remove the kiss mark once more.

“Well as Lyle said, should at least try anything once.” You grin teasing as you to wrap your arms around him and tilt your head back enough to look up at him. He rolled his eyes, and gave you a playful kiss, nipping lightly.

“Only thing Im pegging is you when we get home.”

“Well Handsome, im looking forward to that very much” You are sure to grind your hips against his, and he roughly dragged you into a kiss, hissing against your lips. “Tease!”

“Got the drinks Wankers, come and get them.” She said in her very fake accent, and you weaved a finger in Mikes belt loop, dragging him back to the table and taking two shots, handing one to him. Straight up tequila, you thought looking at the taunting liquid in the glasses, well it does make your clothes fall off apparently.

“So let me start by saying, Mallory, as always, great set.” Mike started, followed by Samson saying “Hear hear, I feel like I know all the struggles you went through, and never want to hear it again.”

Mallory grinned “Theres only five more of these you need to attend.”

Lyle, he tipped his head and hold up both his shot and poison liquor “Heres to five more retelling of Mallorys sexual escapades.”

There really was nothing more to add, and the group of you lifted your shots in honor of the performance, and tipped back. That burn made your eyes water, and gasp out. One of you said “Lets do another” It might have been you, were not keeping track... and the next couple hours you all were pounding shots and chasing with beers. There was no way you were going to be driving anyone home.

Stumbling from the bar giggling with Mallory, you have her under your arm, and Mike is on the other side of you. Her apartment was nearby, as was yours so it just made sense to walk. You dig into Mallorys purse for the lipstick, leaning over the hood of the car and writing across the windshield. ‘NO DD, WE PICK UP IN SUN TIME’

Drunk you was a unable to think

“That looks right? They know who it be” You giggle again as you slid off the car hood, and luckily Mike was standing there to catch you as you stumble forward, the two of you giggling, as you use his shirt to stay upright. “Mikey, Im drunk.”

“Me to baby.” He snorted, his blue eyes shining a bit brighter the usual with the giddiness.

Samson and Lyle went off another way, and you three take to the street. You and Mallory trying to list off British slang in what now sounded like Australian accents instead of British.

“Knobheaded Twatters”

“God those dick heads be fucking Mungers”

“What the hell is a munger?” You question, and Mallory shrugs when Mike pipes up “A real ugly S.O.B”

This went on for several blocks, getting shouted at from sleeping people opening there windows to tell them to shut up. Mallory threw off a fit with one of them

“Come down here you Slag, thats right, I saw One Eyed Joe go in your apartment last week!”

Finally you all make it to a breaking point, and split, You and Mike giggling all the way up your stairs, and your trying to find the key to the door while he is sloppily kissing your neck and reaching up your shirt to play with your breasts, massaging them in a way that had you whining. “Im trying to open the door Babe”

“And Im trying to wank you” He grinned while biting your shoulder.

“Is that even a term?”

“It is today.” He shoves the door open once you get it unlocked and shoves it closed once you two are inside. Hes already shedding clothes, and you go to fall on the couch, arm over your face. “Ugh I cant tonight.” You peek at him and giggle once more as hes hoping around on one foot trying to get his jeans off. He tosses them across the room, any change, wallet and phone went skittering across the floor and he goes over to you, grabbing your arms, you groaning in protest.

“Mikkkkeyyyyy Im tired”

“Need an aspirin?” He asks as he gets you up and you lean into his chest, kissing and nipping around one of his nipples, cause you could, cause it was fun to get a reaction out of him, lightly scratching your nails up and down his sides. Deciding to further tease him.

“No, I need the dick. Now!” Changing your mind, you backed away and he followed, his eyes going dark in lust again and you made a come hither motion. Unaware of how far you had gone, the back of your knees hit the bed and you fell backwards onto it. “Ooh!”

Mike took this moment to pounce, straddling you and lifting your shirt, he tossed that away to. “Fuck baby, that was so hot tonight” talking about your under the table hand job.��“The way you just jerked me off, then licking off those fingers.” You smirked and licked your lips, purring. “It was fun, we could have been caught and kicked out.” laughter bubbling up as your squirming underneath him, panting as you can feel the bulge in his boxers where he was straddling you, and your hands was trying to twist behind you to get your bra off, he assisted, finally pulling it free from your arms.

“I wanted to be under that table so bad, you have no idea. Next time were going someplace more private.” He tilted over you and straightened out to lay over you, his knee parting your thighs and rubbing it against your core. You might have ground yourself back, feeling the pressure ignite a flame in your lower belly, starting from the core.

“Agree Sexy” He chained kisses down your neck, and over your collarbone, hyping you back up with anticipation to feel his mouth on your breasts, his hands firmly covering them. Getting to his hands covering you, he replaced them, rubbing his whiskered chin roughly in between the valley and sucking on the curve, lap of his tongue swirling and twirling over the erected nipples, making you whimper and giggle again in your drunken haze. Reaching down to slide your hands under his boxers waist band and dig your fingers into the cheeks, pressing him to grind into you.

“Then you agree I need you in me right this fucking second?” You bit his shoulder, and huffed against his neck. Your breasts muffled his next words and you let go of his ass cheek to cup his face, drawing him to look up. “What?”

“I said, fucking hell yes Baby” He lifted off and luckily you were wearing a skirt, so he pushed it up around your hips, and slid his boxers down enough for his cock to spring out, you giggled once more seeing him at attention and reach up to wrap your hand around the back of his neck, bringing him down to your mouth, needing to taste him, feel him once more. Your kiss is clashing teeth, a pull and tug on both of your part, Hot sloppy, tongue lapping kiss as he shoves aside your panties enough and fills your entrance with his cock.

So he was trying for slow, but you needed him now, so a push on his ass, and a lift of your hips, you whine into your fevered kiss at how he stretched you open so suddenly, loving that burn. You move your legs to wrap around his hips, thighs clasping his hips snugly. “Give it to me stud” His arms rested on either side of your head, and immediately started to rut and grind his hips, making you arch, going between moans and laughter. “Fuck yes! Oh you feel so good.” Vocal in your current mood, his grunts huff against your neck, your nails digging into his back, rocking with him.

Having fallen on the edge of the bed, you two end up slipping off, your head banging on the floor and all of him tangled around you. He stutters to a stop and his hand lifts your head to check it. “Oh Shit baby, you okay!?”

You wince and rock your hips, shuddering when you feel him hit your g-spot. “Yea baby, Im fine except you left me so close to cumming all over you. Dont let me loose it.” You whimper and look up at him, biting your lip as your channel flexes around him, just begging for more of him. So he returned to his fast rapid pace, Even he could feel his fast approaching orgasm, and it spurred him on. “Touch yourself baby”

Nodding you reached between your grinding bodies, feeling for your bud, and when you pressed down, you jolted underneath him. “MIKE!” It spiked arousal through you to squirt, and you rolled it around with that pressure you liked so much. “Im there baby, Oh god, Oh god Oh fuck, I hope you are to.”

“Yea I am” Gritting out, his balls tightening and staggering his thrusts filling you. You started clamping and tightening sharply around him, arching your back and grabbing his shoulders to anchor as you cried out his name, himself following right along, spilling hot jets of thick cum into you, pumping himself harder, till finally he was spent, you were spent, both of you stilling in a collapsed heap. You just lazed underneath him moaning on your bedroom floor, right next to your bed. His body sinking on yours, hot and sweaty, using his elbows to keep himself upright enough to not crush you.

There was a few moments of silence before Mike lifted his head where he had it resting on your shoulder to catch his breath, looking down at you as you, closed eyed and humming softly in bliss was relaxing.

“Why is knob head an insult? Shouldnt it be kind of a compliment? Im rather fond of my---”

You shove at him before he could finish, the both of you laughing and he rose to get up, holding out a hand and getting you up off the floor to, his hands sliding to your hip and dragging your skirt down to step out of it, kissing on your neck and shoulder affectionately.

“You are a knob head” You ran your hands over his buzzed head, and down the sides of his face to feel the scratch on your palms. Mike nudged you back onto the bed, and flopped down next to you, wrapping you in his arms, spooning you back to his chest.

“Maybe, but Im your knob head.” He breathed softly against your neck, your hands sliding over his folded over your lower stomach, giggling once more as sleepiness started to close your eyelids.

“Your right, Love you Knobhead”

“Love you more Twat”

@what-is-your-plan-today @official-and-unstable-satan @jtargaryen18 @p8tn0lish @curtisbbq @stardancerluv @imanuglywombat

#playing it cool #chris evans #me x you #Named him Mike though #Aubrey Plaza #not marvel #sweater writes

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heads-in-the-clouds-spacecadet · 4 years ago

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When asked to write a daily diary for anxiety management.

Here are a few days example....

Sunday 24th

Mood/anxiety = numb.

Additional meds =8mg of diazipam.

My whole body aches yet it shouldn't. My stomach is growling yet i feel physically sick.

Things i ask myself....

Q.1 Will i leave my safe space, weighted blanket & mountain of pillows?

A.1 NO.

Q.2 Will i manage my yoga routine

A.2 NO

Reasons....Why

I feel exhausted even though ive not been outside since Thursday. I just want the aching to subside the pain to leave. My jaw is clenched closed making eating an ordeal. I know this needs to be done.

The dread of what passive aggressive message/s ill receive today either in person or written either way im struggling to motivate myself to move.

The Internet has been blocked for nearly a wk now. But i just let it slide as the saying goes choose your arguements "wifi is not the hill i want to die on" quote from TBBT. I hear Luke (my brother) is now in his bedroom and his door is closed. He has been banging around the house sending passive aggressive messages (sms) since 4am. My belongings that i left downstairs were thrown into my room. I'm nervous to leave my room till i know he is asleep.

Flashback/negative thoughts....

1. How can my baby brother be an emotional manipulator.

2. Last time i had to justify my everymove i was in Portugal in a very bad relationship.

*****Ways im looking to excuse his behaviour. Find the cause to my sudden crash of low mood aka depression with a nice battle of anxiety.

---Logically i know its not the same.

---Emotionally it hurts the same.

The way he looks at me with disgust, resentment & impatience is the trigger. I realise this. How someone you love can make you feel this way.

Solution: i decide to find a solution to the sudden conflict of money and i know there is a receipt in the car. I go to the normal place the keys are kept and theyre no where to be found. I look in all the obvious logical places they could be and realise theyre hidden by my loving brother. His Reasons, 1-to stop me buying shit (his words). 2. He has decided its his house, his car so therefore his rules. (Its all my mums btw)

As im downstairs i notice the kitchen is a mess. Pots all over from a feast Luke cooked up the night before. Or should i say 2am.

So i feel defeated. Ive basically been cleaning non stop everytime i use a room as per gov guidelines and he just doesnt seem to comprehend the severity of the situation.

I decide i need to eat. So i opt for Shreddies with Oat Milk (Luke has a serious milk allergy to the milk proteins in cows milk so im not fussed about milk and am happy to use alternatives) topped with vanilla soya yogurt, bannana, a few cranberries, 3 strawberries, sultanas and crushed Almonds. My logical brain is telling me eat well as we are not leaving the bedroom again unless desperate.

I send a few messages to the family whats app (Luke refuses to be a part of this) and receive encouraging and support in return. Everyone is struggling in their own way so i appreciate having a small outlet between us all.

After food i sleep finally.

Trying now to Ready myself for round 2 which i know is coming.

My mum calls i dont want to answer but i do. I explain the situation. She knows, she has dealt with his angry behaviour since he was 11yrs old. She stated she is coming to visit Tuesday as per new gov guidelines and we will meet in the park. She then asks me to pass the phone to Luke which i pointblank refuse. Im not ready for round 2 yet. Especially since he has his own phone he is just not answering making everyone worry about him but he just resents it. Its safe to say im proud i refused to do something. Gold star award ⭐

Monday 25th

Mood/Anxiety - still no change from yesterday but i decide i have to force myself to move. Wash, clean and pack the additional things my mum has requested.

Additional meds - i decided against taking anything today as i need to be clear headed for my appointment Tues and obvs my mums visit.

I check the weather see its a nice day decide washing is task 1. I set a bath running (multi tasking saving time from all the free time) and head downstairs to pop the washing machine on. Before i left my room i checked my phone for messages i have one from my mum telling me she has had words with Luke and that he needs to basically deal with the resentment in a more positive way.

This explains all the banging and loud music yesterday early eve. He decided to actually clean.

Anyhow I head downstairs. Kitchen is clean, messages all wiped from the black board.

I decide i must try and communicate with Luke as we cant take the conflict with us to the park it isnt fair to our mum.

I can hear him moving so send a sms message asking if he wants anything in the oven. No response. ***He did finally get out of bed at 3pm so a peaceful day so far.

I decide food is required. I opt for protein soya burgers x2 with Spinach, tomatos, avacado, sultanas, almond pieces and some crumpets. I sit in the garden to eat.

All washing is out and drying but im to anxiety ridden and unmotivated to enjoy the sunshine.

I head back to my room to sort bits for my mum and throw away my origami collection. It was over taking my room and again causing conflict.

Lukes awake!!!. I decide to say hello. So far so good. He decides to make himself lunch and throws a fit because i ate a £0.45 avocado. I walk away as i know he is just venting and i need to not start the circle of negative thoughts or interactions. This is rewarded with resentment. Luke suddenly decides to do his own washing and cut the grass. Which means my washing is in his way. Before he even starts i am pulling in whats dry mainly because i want to go back to bed and need my bedsheets but also because he wont care if my washing turns green or is damaged. To my delight my sheets are dry but my pjs etc need another 30mins so i leave them whilst i go and make my bed.

Im bellowed at about washing as Luke needs the line. So i head down stairs to reteive the rest of my belongings.

Self soothing thoughts...

Im walking on eggshells trying not to provoke the beast and i need to keep going. Focus on my achievements. I left my room. I cleaned myself, my clothing and my pillow fort which has been my safe zone for the past 4days.

Deep down thought i am disappointed as i know isolation and distancing is not a long turn solution as the yrs pass im becoming more and more isolated and lonely.

Im downstairs again and i ask Luke if he wants anything popping in the oven as i was having toast. He requested 2 burgers and chips but on seperate trays as he was hungry. Easy to do popped into the oven. 40mins later chips are cooked he is plating up and all he says is "why have you cooked so many chips, clearly we now live in a household of wastefulness".

This was the turning point for me id had enough for 1day and just told him to give it a rest and went to my room.

Im dozing with Big Bang on in the backround and Luke is banging on my door. Mums on the phone. Confirming arrangements for tomorrow. I say a few oks with the occasional nod.

I start packing the bits n bobs my mum has asked for and carry then downstairs so theyre ready for the car tomorrow am.

Its PJs and bed time. Luke has other ideas. He is awake and up and about at 4.30am. Having a bath at 5am, doing weights after his bath at 6am then leaves in the car at 7am. He is back around 8am banging has a shower then decides to leave again in the car. He is meant to be house-bound until July 1st. This in itself causes me anxiety as i cant handle watching another member of my family die in front of my eyes.

Thoughts...

Yes this is VERY dramatic. STOP IT BRAIN!

Take precautions all will be ok.

Tuesday 26th

Mood/Anxiety = No change

Additional meds = 4mg diazipam but late afternoon as i couldnt stop shaking and fidgeting.

My mum is coming to visit. Im trying not to think about the fact Luke is out of the house.

We are having a picnic social distancing style.

We head to the coop as Luke has decided even after knowing our mum all his life never be on time, we have to be early. I buy Costa coffee, fresh bread, hummus, bananas, diet coke and some biscuits the nature valley ones theyre really good. Luke doesnt go into the shop I think at least he is listening to some rules. He rolls his eyes as i spray the shopping with dettol spray and use the alcohol hand sanitizer for my hands and door handle etc. I just tell him its how it needs to be done.

We find a perfect parking spot under a bunch of trees. I notice that all the trees are trimmed in a very even shelf across the bottom. It looked like it was designed perfectly for people to walk straight onto the park from the car park without having to fight with tree branches or go around. But in actual fact its the deer. They eat the lower leaves this made me smile and relax for a moment. WIN.

My mum is late so im nervous that she is

1. Stuck somewhere (over reaction)

2. Lost (over reaction)

3. Just running late (normal reaction)

Im a tad fidgety as im aware i have an appointment in 2hrs. Hurry up MOTHER...

I ponder about work and whether or not ill still have a job to return too. Had an email this am stating theyre cutting 200jobs from the team i work in. So not sure if thats a good thing or not. But its also increasing my anxiety as ive read the email and now have a burning desire to do the research to see what my probability of keeping my job will be. Before my brain can go on a major tangent my mum arrives.

Shes brought Oscar (her poodle) he is so excited to see me. And the big hairy fluff ball gave me the biggest snuggles. He has a major Covid hairdoo. My mum doesnt hug me which hurts but i know she cant.

Picnic time. We sit in the middle.of a field away from everyone. Social distancing 10/10. My mum has made me my favourite cakes, rock buns. (Apparently these are a northern thing) but im feeling the love. Its fairly chilled only 1 disagreement with Luke over blinkin avocados.

Im clock checking and aware of impending appointment, im a little (understated) nervous because ive not had positive relationships with therapists or doctors in the past.

#mental health #lost #hurting #help #self reflection #finelinebetweenloveandhate #still breathing #GAD #recovery #survivor

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ifbrd · 5 years ago

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Episode Commentary for Wordgirl “Showdown at the Secret Spaceship Hideout”

As requested by an anon, I’m going to do an Episode Commentary (that’s what I’m gonna call them, they need a name so I know what to title the post and have people know what the heck it is) of the WordGirl episode “Showdown at the Secret Spaceship Hideout”

I’m going to apologize in advance for the number of times I say “also” “can we just take a moment to appreciate” “I love that...” and “Me”

Look at Two Brains Drawings! <3

Me as a villain

This is something I love about this show; they have realistic conversations. This is absolutely a slip-up someone would make if they were having an off day. I make stupid mistakes like this all day every day XD This honestly isn’t my favorite example of this, but it’s a good one none-the-less.

Let’s just take a moment to appreciate this very important image of Huggy doing what he does best and rarely gets to do anymore since coming to Earth.

Hey! Wait a minute!

Well Dr. Two Brains, clearly it works on doubled brained citizens too!

Huggy approves of this crash-land

I have nothing to say about this, it’s just a good bit of dialogue and it must have its moment to shine.

…I have got to start setting reminders for myself like this. Also, I love that she looks at her boots and nods like “yes, yes they are” as if she wasn’t the person who said that in the first place.

And thus, begins an entire episode of Huggy being annoyed and disapproving.

Okay, I’m pretty sure the line was “Change it back” but thanks for trying, I guess. Anyway, I lowkey love this brief tantrum she throws. It reminds us she’s still a kid. She’s a kid taking on adult responsibilities, and moments like this remind us that she’s not perfect, sometimes she just wants to do something for herself and she will still get upset when things go wrong.

I took this screenshot for no other reason than to prove that the line was “Change it back!”

Nothing gets past these two

Do I detect saltiness in that cheese? That was me trying to be clever. (OMG I have Word set to read stuff out loud so I can catch mistakes easier, and idk why but when it said this sentence I LOST IT) Also “often uninvited”—implying that there were a few instances where he did invite her.

LOLLYGAGGERS!!

It’s funny because it’s not the weirdest threat I’ve heard on this show.

You don’t know Wordgirl...at all...

Huggy’s annoyed, but at least he has snacks.

Me doing my homework

We all know Pretty Princess is supposed to represent WordGirl in this episode but let’s acknowledge that the horse is clearly supposed to be Huggy—disapproving of the plan, giving her annoyed looks the entire time, but ultimately doing nothing to stop her from procrastinating.

lol poor Huggy

Amazing, done-before-but-I’ll-never-get-tired-of-hearing-it joke aside, I”m convinced that Huggy already knew what procrastinate means, he just wanted her to define it so she’d realize she’s doing it.

Plan failed.

When I said Pretty Princess was me doing my homework, I meant it.

WordGirl was me watching the Gravity Falls finale. Huggy was my brother watching me watch the Gravity Falls finale.

TBH I just wanted a good shot of this room, but can we appreciate the light coming from the window? Like I feel that there’s no reason to put that much detail into the lighting and they did it anyway. Also, I want to see this window on the outside of the ship.

HE LOOKS AT THE AUDIENCE

I CANT XD

What’s the butterfly room like? Why is there a butterfly room? Why have we never seen this butterfly room because I really want to see the butterfly room!

Me when someone in my family brings home Oreos

Who wants to play spot the episodic easter egg!

This is it. this is my favorite Two Brains line.

Huggy’s been annoyed with her the entire episode because he knew this very thing could happen. He could say “I told you!” he could leap into action, but instead he’s like “I’ve got one last pretzel, just let me finish it…”

Sorry, I didn’t mean to have all this hoo-ha in the screenshot. I thought about retaking it…but you can see the things I want to point out alright so maybe later. I lowkey want to do a separate post on this. Anyway, this is clearly Huggy’s stuff, and the two things I want to point out are the framed picture of Huggy and an unknown superhero on the left, and various pictures and documents on a bulletin board to the right. I wish we had clearer pictures, I’d love to examine them more, but the framed one does certainly imply that Huggy has worked with or at least met other superheroes aside from WordGirl. I’d also really love to know what those documents are.

Villains traipsing through his ship warrants almost no reaction, but you touch his stuff and suddenly you’re messing with the devil!

I love that he’s still willing to take over her hideout just because the henchmen love it, despite the fact that they “haven’t been too helpful”

I’ve got a couple of things to say here: 1. In the second picture: Strike a pose Two Brains! 2. I gotta rant because this is honestly scary to me. He doesn’t remember writing a book. It takes him a second to realize he wrote it, and it probably was seeing his old name that triggered it. He doesn’t recognize the title. Who forgets they wrote a book?? Writing a book is a lloooooooonng process that takes months to years, it takes up a good chunk of your life, there’s no way you’d just forget it. The mouse brain has more control than we’ve realized, it's controlling his memories. That’s literally the only explanation for just blanking out on writing an entire damn book. It took me months to write a children’s book and he basically wrote an entire textbook! That’s not something you’re gonna bust out in a weekend and forget about!

Another rant! She got most of her superhero knowledge from Steven’s book. Not from Huggy like I’d always assumed. I still stand by the idea that Huggy gave her a solid foundation of training to start with, and she learned more on her own through books like these and personal wisdom and experience. But she got most of her knowledge and tactics not from her own superhero based culture, but from a book by a guy who never was (that we know of) and isn’t a superhero himself. She got more wisdom from some guy observing superheroes than her own heritage. This pretty much confirms that Steven was extremely popular in the superhero community, for him to be able to observe and probably interview for reference that many heroes to get that much knowledge.

They made a movie on his book! I wanna see this movie! It’d be like the Krusty Krab training video episode of Spongebob!

And apparently, it was better than the book..

If you listen closely, you can hear the screaming of every Steven Boxleitner fan

Okay sound started to get a little off from the captions at the end here but bear with me.

First of all, have some fabulous concentrating-Dr.-Two-Brains images! Secondly, he’s in WordGirl’s hideout, he should be on high alert, and hearing WordGirl scream “NOW HUGGY!” causes no reaction. He doesn’t even flinch.

It took several tries to get this image, but it was totally worth it!!!

Huggy is validated by The Narrator. I love when The Narrator steps in XD

And Two Brains just glaring at everyone XD

Yet again, Huggy doesn’t approve, yet doesn’t do anything about it and participates in the activity. And boy oh boy would I love to see our disembodied narrator try to play Ping-Pong!

That’s all for this episode! The next one I’m doing is Robot Monkey Showdown! I have no idea when that will be up…but I’m hoping very soon, but I gotta crop all the pictures, (or maybe I won’t? would that be a crime? It would significantly cut down on time...) then type out my comments, then put it all into tumblr.

#wordgirl #dr. two brains #captain huggyface #captain huggy face #showdown at the secret spaceship hideout #episode commentary

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trans-son-of-perdition · 6 years ago

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Why I relate the Trench album to my own personal life and struggles.

A couple things before I begin. I am aware the true meaning of this album relates to Tyler Josephs career and struggles with mental health. However, art is subjective. It’s meant to be interpreted however you want. I’m not trying to invalidate his experiences, this is just how the album helped me and how I related to it in a way that made it important to my life and my coping with realizations I had around the time Trench was being teased and released. This post is not meant to attack a specific faith, however given my own opinions and viewpoints this post could be uncomfortable for current believing members of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints. If you are uncomfortable with exmormon viewpoints, this might not be the post for you, and I would like it if you didn’t try to force your views onto me as a result of this post. I will also give warnings for abuse mentions, cult mentions, mentions of suicidal thoughts, and mentions of transphobia.

In this post, I’ll go through each song in the album and explain what it relates to in my life. I’ll also go into the lore of Trench and how I relate to the Clancy letters, as well as explaining why my icon and blog banner are what they are.

If you have not heard this album, I recommend it entirely. And even if you have, I recommend listening along to this post. You do not need to be a fan of Twenty One Pilots or the album to read this, however, and you do not need to understand the deeper lore or know about the Clancy letters to read this post.

With that being said, this will be a long post, so I’ll put the rest under a read more.

Let me begin by briefly introducing myself. I am a 22, nearly 23 year old Exmormon who was born and raised in the church near the heart of Salt Lake City, Utah. I was a devout member of this church until I was 15, which was when little things started to not make sense anymore. This was when I was shown that it was okay to feel differently about my gender and sexuality, when I started to realize there were words to describe why I felt so weird about the concept of being a girl, etc. In a lot of ways, 15 was when my faith started slipping. There are journal entries from then where I’m crying about how I didnt want to feel the way I did, it was kind of the usual young mormon kid has a crisis over their sexuality and gender and tries to pray about it over and over but nothing changes. I even had a moment at 17 where I found a place to hide where my family wouldnt hear me and prayed for about an hour because I was questioning if the church even was true. I got no answer to this.

By the time I was 18, I no longer attended church. I still called myself mormon, and was actually kind of an apologist for years. It was only early last year that I started realizing something didn’t seem right, which was what led to a very long beliefs crisis and eventually me formally resigning from the church. It was also the year that repressed memories finally started to surface, and the true extent to which I had been abused and neglected started to show. Near the end of 2018, one of my best friends helped me escape Utah and get far away from my family, and currently I am living happily in Arizona far from the church’s influence.

Now enter the Trench album.

Instantly, when the Jumpsuit video was first released, something felt comforting about it. And every song since has been extremely comforting to me because of how I have related it to my life. Here is how each song ((and even the videos and extra lore)) have helped me and have related to my life as a secret exmormon who felt trapped in Utah.

Jumpsuit

This song actually came out just as I was questioning the church and realizing some things that were very long. With every little thing I found that was wrong, it was like my life crumbled a little more. I’ll admit, the “spirits in my room” lines I took much more literally, having lived in a very haunted house in a very haunted part of Utah, but the lines “Felt it in my youth, feel it when I’m old” also felt like a reassurance to me that the doubts and feelings I had in highschool when I was just beginning to question myself and my life were valid. Like they weren’t just a passing phase, this was something that had been going on my whole life. And then we have the bridge.

I'll be right there But you'll have to grab my throat and lift me in the air If you need anyone, I'll stop my plans But you'll have to tie me down and then break both my hands If you need anyone

My life up to this point had been manipulated by those around me. My parents controlled my actions, I sat there and let them abuse and disrespect me. If any of them needed anything, I jumped to help. This had spread into my other relationships as I felt the need to be there for everyone, be the personal therapist to everyone, try to fix the emotions and problems of everyone I knew because my family had made me think thats what I needed to do. Like in the video, I was very much stuck under the spell of the “smearing” of the bishops. My family knew how to manipulate my emotions into feeling like I was in the wrong, like I inevitably had to love them and follow them no matter what. Which was why the “Cover me!” screamed at the end makes my heart beat faster. In his “Cover me!” I felt my heart scream it too. I couldn’t out loud, because my family would have yelled at me and made my life hell, but I could scream inwardly with him. I could feel myself running from the bishops with him. That song felt more joyous, more releasing, and more moving to me than an LDS Hymn had in years. Even as I’m writing this, the “Cover me!” makes me feel deep and strong emotions that at one point I would have called “the spirit” or “the holy ghost” and its stronger than any feeling I attributed to those things from talks or lessons in the church.

Levitate

This song actually gave me courage to be more openly myself again. To stand up for myself and look for other options. To admit that the way my life had been was fucked up and that there were better things out there. The line referencing Car Radio was cool to me, because Car Radio was a big song for my depression and dysphoria. I wont go into it too far, since I’m focusing on Trench music, but I’ve always taken Car Radio as a good way to describe how I felt about my life, the world, and my own dysphoria and struggles with suicidal thoughts. And so having this song tied to rebellion against how my life had always been reference another song that had helped me with coping was so encouraging to me and honestly really cool!

This culture is a poacher of overexposure, not today Don't feed me to the vultures, I am a vulture who feeds on pain.

I mean. Come on. I lived in Utah. Utah culture is oversaturated in the church. Its in the politics, in the laws, in the tv shows and on the radio. There’s a ward building everywhere you go. You cant do anything without seeing it somewhere, at least not in big cities ((or at least not living as close to downtown Salt Lake City as I did.)) Admitting to being exmormon while there felt like I was risking being separated from the rest of society. While this isn’t entirely true, I grew up seeing how my family treated exmos. The way they treated them like poor misguided souls that would eventually have their “sins come crashing down on them and turn their hearts back to the church”.

The next few lines are kinda self explanatory. “Sleep in a well-lit room, don't let the shadow through,” both refers to the whole “haunted house” thing I mentioned ((a story I wont go into here tbh)) as well as me using my room as the one place I could hide and be more myself, discuss the things I believed and thought. “And sever all I knew, yeah, sever all I thought” has to do with the slow realizations of the lies I had been taught by the church my whole life. The next few lines refer to what sounds like him asking for help to keep away from the ledges, which both feels like my reaching out to online friends for support both to reassure me that I wasn’t crazy as well as their help in keeping me away from my increasing suicidal thoughts.

The video actually felt like my chosen family in general, them getting me away from these ideas and worries I had had burned into my brain at a young age, pulling me out of this DEMA and into their Trench, where we all could support each other and help each other realize that the false things of our past didnt have to shape our futures for us. And much like Tyler, I was still struggling with my parents pulling me back in by tugging at my emotions, making me feel guilty for my rebellion.

Morph

Lets be honest, in order to explain this one I need to post the whole song. It feels like a mixture of my beliefs crisis and dealing with an abusive and transphobic family, to be honest.

Can't stop thinking about if and when I die For now I see that "if" and "when" are truly different cries For "if" is purely panic and "when" is solemn sorrow And one invades today while the other spies tomorrow We're surrounded and we're hounded There's no "above", or "under", or "around" it For "above" is blind belief and "under" is sword to sleeve And "around" is scientific miracle, let's pick "above" and see For if and when we go "above", the question still remains Are we still in love and is it possible we feel the same? And that's when going "under" starts to take my wonder But until that time, I'll try to sing this

Here we have my crisis, where I was doubting my own doubts and wondering if I was wrong and truly destined to end up in a lower kingdom away from my family and if I was sinning. It led to a fear of death, a fear of the end of the world, a fear of anything related to it because what if the mormons were right? Honestly, this is an ongoing thing that causes panic attacks to this day, and this song is where I turn to when these doubts happen.

If I keep moving, they won't know I'll morph to someone else What they throw at me's too slow I'll morph to someone else I'm just a ghost I'll morph to someone else Defense mechanism mode

A lot of people in the transgender community have brought up that this is a really relateable few lines. I’d like to add on top of it being about my gender, it also can relate to how I spent years pretending to be someone else in front of a lot of people ((and still am to some extent, I’m working on that.)) in order to keep myself safe.

He'll always try to stop me, that Nicholas Bourbaki He's got no friends close but those who know him most know He goes by Nico, he told me I'm a copy When I'd hear him mock me that's almost stopped me

This part I actually relate to my younger brother, who is almost violently abusive towards me and who I have had not only threaten harm to me, but have had mock me and tell me that nobody truly cared about or loved me, along with much worse things that were so intense and awful that when my sister ((the only family member I truly trust)) heard it and told our parents what happened, they were legitimately worried about me knowing about my suicidal thoughts and were bugging me the entire time I was at work and while I walked home to make sure I was safe and okay. My brother is a horrible person, and I honestly am afraid for whoever ends up marrying him based on his treatment of everyone else in our family. My sister and I have even shared our concerns with each other that he could one day lash out and hurt/kill one of us. Hes one of the biggest reasons I and her hurried to leave the state as fast as we could.

Well we're surrounded and we're hounded There's no above or a secret door What are we here for? If not to run straight through all our tormentors? But until that time I'll try and sing this

This again relates to my family, along with the opinions of the church towards transgender and gay people. I don’t think I need to go into what the LDS church thinks of us.

The final part of the song, to me at least, feels like the loneliness of my situation, and wanting someone to be open with in real life that would understand where I was coming from. It also is about my reaching out online when I couldn’t find support in person.

My Blood

I actually don’t need to go into this too deeply. My whole chosen family relates to this song, and so hearing it reminds me of them. This song is how we are to each other and how we feel about each other. Pretty straightforward. Especially since this song likely is about Tyler’s brother, so the fact we all consider each other brothers and sisters works with this.

Chlorine

Another straightforward one. It kinda feels like I’m singing this to the people of my past. My family especially, but also the friends that were part of why I hid so much about myself. They were toxic, but I made myself stay near them out of love. And as I “decayed”, the feeling of rebellion started to grow more until I found myself running for my life away from them all.

I'm so sorry, I forgot you Let me catch you up to speed I've been tested like the ends of A weathered flag that's by the sea Can you build my house with pieces? I'm just a chemical

This final part is more towards myself, however. How I forgot the true me, how I’ve been broken and hurt by these people, and how I need to finally build my life up again away from them all.

Smithereens

Another one that makes me think of my chosen family, and makes me think of my best friend who helped me escape Utah. I’m not a violent person, I actually consider myself a pacifist. But if someone threatened my loved ones I’d do everything I could to stop them.

Neon Gravestones

Yeah, I had to get to this one eventually. This song hit me hard the first time I heard it. If you haven’t heard any songs from this album at all, THIS IS THE ONE YOU SHOULD HEAR. It speaks very bluntly about how fucked up the media’s portrayal of suicide is, among other issues around that theme. Its beautiful in my opinion.

Obviously yes, as someone who struggles with suicidal thoughts, this song obviously does resonate with me. But this is where I’ll go into the deeper lore for a moment.

In the world of Trench it’s been mentioned that the Neon Gravestones are one of the big symbols of Vialism- the religion in DEMA that is a religion that worships false light. In Vialism, those who have died in the name of Vialism are revered, respected, and glorified. Now look at the church. How many people have had their hardships and deaths be romanticized by the church? How often have I heard people say that if you die in the name of the church, you will be exalted? How many LGBTQ+ youth in Utah have killed themselves because they think that its better to die before they have sinned? How often growing up has the “Martyrdom” of Joseph Smith been romanticized and used to show how committed to the church he was? For hell’s sake there’s a song WRITTEN ABOUT HIM saying that he now will be glorified for eternity because he died for the church! He’s held with more respect than even Jesus in the church! I could go on for hours about how I feel about the way the church treats death and how fucked up it is that there have even been cases you can find online where people have been told it would be better that they killed themselves than be gay or be an apostate. I’ll get more into the Neon Gravestones symbolism later when I reach the Clancy letters.

The Hype

Yet another song about reaching out for support and community as I was realizing the truth about the church. I also had a huge falling out with a close friend around the time the album released, so having this song to cope with it helped too. It feels like the acceptance of the fact I was slowly getting out of brainwashing and programming I’d had since I was an infant, and though I didn’t know where I was going in life anymore, I knew that I would have the people I trusted there with me every step of the way as I became a normal member of society and began a new, better life.

A lot of songs in this album seem to be very chosen family oriented. This one just feels like a reminder to myself that I’ll be okay.

Nico and the Niners

This one is a little obvious. But i’ll go through it regardless.

East is up, I'm fearless when I hear this on the low East is up, I'm careless when I wear my rebel clothes East is up, when Bishops come together they will know that Dema don't control us, Dema don't control East is up

This song was released at the same time as Jumpsuit, and honestly some of the same things apply. I realized how much this really fit my life at the time as I was working on getting out. How the literal bishops and leaders of the church as well as the figurative “bishops” of my life were who I was rebelling against. DEMA is a something I have actively called Utah ((mostly Salt Lake City and all other areas in the main valley)) before, for reasons from it literally being a city surrounded in huge walls((both the mountains as well as figurative walls)) that circled around a main central part ((Temple square)) where the bishops resided and performed rituals in the name of Vialism. The next lines mention that they, the bishops, want you to make you forget. They want you to be docile. To conform to them. Follow their rules and laws and teachings without questioning. Ignore and forget the things they don’t say in the moment are truth. In the video, Tyler is seen quietly preparing to escape, hiding in his room as yet another ritual is performed elsewhere in the city. He sneaks out of his dark room, where he meets the Banditos. He seems hesitant and scared at first, but they calm him down and welcome him.

What I say when I want to be enough What a beautiful day for making a break for it We'll find a way to pay for it Maybe from all the money we made, razorblade stores Rent a race horse and force a sponsor And start a concert, a complete diversion Start a mob and you can be quite certain We'll win but not everyone will get out

During this part, Tyler is loudly rebelling in the center of a courtyard, where all the people hiding and silently judging the Banditos from their windows can see and hear them. He sings about escaping and finding ways to prepare to run away, escaping the walls of DEMA and the watchful eyes of the bishops and those devoted to them. It’s after this that his friends, the Banditos, help him escape into the night from DEMA before he can be caught by the bishops, but leaving a trace behind to hopefully inspire the children still growing up and learning inside DEMA.

I compare my chosen family to the Banditos a lot, something that will become clear when we get to a song later on. My open rebellion, being myself and leaving the church, leaving Utah and the judgmental eyes of those still devoted to the church and their teachings... This is what the song is to me. I’ll win, I’ll escape, I will do what I can to inspire my younger brothers and sister to follow me out when they can. I’ll do what I can to help anyone still stuck in their DEMA, but in the end I had to leave. I had to listen to my chosen family and run. I had to get out of those walls before the metaphorical bishops of my life, my family, dragged me back down again into them and broke me further. In that way, Nico and the Niners is both the presidency of the church, but its also my parents.

Cut my Lip

This one actually speaks to how I used to be, letting myself be abused and mistreated. The cycle of trying to escape but being dragged back in. Knowing I was being hurt but letting my programming and the thought that I had to love my family no matter what hurt me over and over. But though I’m bruised, I’ll keep moving.

Bandito

This is the big chosen family song. We have called ourselves Banditos a lot. I personally consider myself a Bandito.

This is the sound we make When in between two places Where we used to bleed And where our blood needs to be

We are all in Trench right now, to various extents. I am mostly out of my DEMA, having physically left it but still dealing with the mental battles and the pulls from the “bishops” to return. Other members of my chosen family are dealing with abuse, neglect, trauma, mental illnesses, isolation, etc. We all have our own DEMA to escape, and we all do what we can to pull each other back into Trench and support each other as a family.

In city, I feel my spirit is contained Like neon inside the glass, they form my brain

In Utah I felt trapped. Confined by what I could and could not say around my family because I was afraid of what would happen if they knew some of the things about me. About my opinions of the church. I had realized my brain had been manipulated and formed into what the church wanted, and I was starting to break free of it.

But I recently discovered it's a heatless fire Like nicknames they give themselves to uninspire

The opinions of my family and the church have begun to feel less important and the thought of rebelling against this has become easier and I have become more confidant in my beliefs.

Begin with bullet, now add fire to the proof But I'm still not sure if fear's a rival or close relative to truth Either way it helps to hear these words bounce off of you The softest echo could be enough for me to make it through

I’m still afraid though, and I still have doubts pop up. And until I can fully break free of the brainwashing I was subject to for 21 years of my life, I’ll still have those doubts and fears. But hearing my chosen family reassure me and validate those feelings I have about the church helps me get past it and grow as a person.

As far as Sahlo Folina? We use it in my chosen family. When we see each other say it, we hurry to support each other and pull each other back from the personal bishops we have. For those who don’t know, Sahlo Folina in the lore is the call the Banditos cry out when they are stuck alone in Trench and need help. It doesn’t have a canon meaning otherwise, but many people have given it the meaning of the joy or act of creating. And my chosen family and I use this phrase to warn each other of panic attacks, or of dysphoria, or of a moment when we just need a little validation. This song is so important to us, and is one of the most beautiful songs on the album in my opinion. If you haven’t heard it, take a look at imabandi.to, its an interactive music video for the song that explains some of the deeper lore of Trench and is in general visually stunning.

Pet Cheetah

Honestly this is really just a bop, but its good for when I feel angry. Not just even at the church, in general its a good anger song because of how intense it feels. It also speaks to the isolation I felt, how I tried to calm myself down from my doubts for the longest time. It helps that the song kinda has a “Fuck it” moment halfway through.

I'm done with tip-toeing, I'll stay in my room My house is the one where the vultures are perched on the roof

The song then expresses the fear of losing everything, but its too late now. The anxiety is raising again, but I’ll do what I can to relax and keep going.

Legend

This song actually makes me cry, because it reminds me of my grandparents. They were the two I was closer to than my own parents, and I was destroyed by their deaths. Even though I still feel them with me, I deeply miss them and I was scared for so long that I would never be able see them again because according to the church, I would have not been allowed to be near them again for eternity. “I look forward to having lunch with you again.” is the line that has made me break down crying before, because I know that no matter what happens, it’ll be okay. I wont go into my current beliefs here, but I know that my grandparents love me and that no matter what I’ll still get to see them again one day.

Leave the City

And now that i’m crying from legend, let me personally sob for a moment about Leave the City, because this song is what I played as I finally left Utah. On my main blog, the title comes from this song.

I'm tired Of tending to this fire I've used up all I've collected I have singed my hands It's glowing Embers barely showing Proof of life in the shadows Dancing on my plans They know that it's almost They know that it's almost over

This song expresses how I felt from my depression, the doubts, the abuse, the ongoing crisis as I realized more and more how much I had been lied to. I was being reassured by my chosen family and my other friends that it would be alright, that I’d get away and life would be better. Now that I’ve been out of that state for several months I can say they were 100% right, but while in the moment I was drained and tired and just wanted to be free. And the knowledge that one day I would leave was what kept me going and kept me alive.

But this year Though I'm far from home In TRENCH I'm not alone These faces facing me They know What I mean

Again, this feels like my chosen family, my Banditos. My real family, the people I trust most. The know who I am. They know where i’m coming from. And though I’m far from my end goals in life, and I’m still here in Trench, I am not alone. I have them with me, and for now that is what matters.

Now, onto the lore and Clancy letters. Because honestly my relating to this doesn’t just stop at the music.

The following are quotes from the many “Clancy letters” that have come out sine the album was being teased.

Note 1:

As a child, I looked upon Dema with wonder, today, I am wrought with frustration, as I spend each day squinting for a glimpse of the top of the looming wall that has kept us here. It was upon my ninth year that I learned that Dema wasn’t my home. This village, after all of this time, was my trap.

Before I became realized, I had deep affection for Dema. There was a wonderful structure to the city that put my cares to rest. Streets and locations were dependable, and the responsibilities of the day seemed to be accomplished with minimal effort. Once a task was taught and understood, we delighted in our ability to complete our obligations timely, and felt secure in knowing tomorrow's duties would be accomplished with the same efficiency. We all worked to represent our bishop with honor, and knew that each inhabitant of our region had a like-minded dedication to consistency.

Note 2:

To refer to Dema as my home has never felt accurate. Dema, to me, has simply been the place that I’ve existed, or, the 'slot' they've put me in. I've heard stories about the idea of "home," and its depiction has always seemed warm from the storyteller's description. There was a romantic ownership of the place they inhabited that I admired, but could never relate to.

Note 3:

Am I the only one who realizes that we've been lied to? Am I the only one not afraid of the notion that the nine have hijacked our trust, and extinguished the hope that once motivated our existence? We used to close our eyes and picture a better life, now this city is full of dry eyes caught in a trance of obedience, devoid of any trace of an identity.......My hope of something more is all I have in this rigid tomb, and I will not let it die.

I wanted to quote the fifth note, but the whole thing feels relatable to me as someone who left Utah. So here is the full letter:

I've made it out. I feel weightless. I know that place had always held me down, but for the first time, I can feel the unity that I had hoped for. It's been three nights now, and my breathing has changed - it's slower, and more full. It's like the air out here is actually worth taking in. I can see it back in the distance, and I'd be lying if I said that it wasn't constantly on my mind. I wish I could turn that fear off, but maybe the further I go, the less that fear will affect me. I feel betrayed by what I assumed was home. If I ever end up back there, I won't be able to look at it the same way. They are asleep. They're so sure that they know the truth, and carry on throughout their day with the same meaningless tasks. They've forgotten to look up, and to look outward, to understand that this isn't about 'in there.' This is about 'out here.' This new world surrounds me. I used to think the walls back home were massive- these green cliffs engulf me, and place me right in the middle- Trench is quite precarious at times, and it's easy to grow weary. But it's real, and it's true, and I'd much rather endure reality than to mindlessly be obedient to a life that someone else created for me. I've obsessed about this world for so long, that it feels more like home than anything I've experienced. Somehow, in this vast openness, I feel more protected than ever. The landscape feels endless, and I've found myself walking for hours without any true evidence of getting further down. But I've seen plants and colors out here that I'm not sure I've witnessed before. There's a beauty in the strangest places,- and the curiosity of what's next continues to motivate me. I wonder who else is out here. If what i assumed inside is true, there's got to be more like me. Sometimes I'll feel a presence, only to look up and see nothing. It's just another thing that I'm afraid of that also excites me. It all just confirms all of the things that I hoped to be true for all of this time. I am out here and I am very alive. I'm sometimes scared, but always discovering something new, and I will not stop. Cover me!

I’m not going to go into why these relate, it should be clear from my explanations of the songs why I can relate to these letters. If you are exmormon yourself, you might understand already anyway.

Now finally, I’ll go into the letters in the site that I mentioned earlier, imabandi.to. These are actually where my blog icon and banner come from.

Remember when I explained Vialism? One of the notes goes further into it.

The text reads “The necropolis glorifies the early graves of those who lost themselves along the way. Let us overthrow this concept as a symbol of dedication to and celebration of life.” and is accompanied by a caption that reads:

STEADFAST IN OUR REBELLION AGAINST THE TEACHINGS OF VIALISM, WE TURN THEIR FALSE DOCTRINE UPON ITS HEAD. PROTECTED MORE THAN EVER, THE DOUBLE BARS ARE A SYMBOL OF LIFE AND HOPE.

Overturning the symbol of false doctrine in order to celebrate the concept of life and being alive. This is what I want to do. Life should be enjoyed and celebrated and not controlled and given up for false teachings.

The icon for this blog is the Vulture symbol of the banditos. It comes from this note:

It reads: “The fear and pain shall not be elements that stop us, but what feeds us to persevere. The vultures above are our symbol of turning death to life.” And its caption reads:

WE ARE VULTURES. THE VULTURE SEES BOTH WORLDS, DEVOURING DEATH. A SYMBOL OF OUR RESPONSIBILITY TO TURN DEATH INTO LIFE. MAY WE LEARN FROM WHAT WE'VE LOST, AND COMMIT TO LIVING.

So another symbol of committing to being alive and to life itself. It is to me a symbol of rebellion against the things I was taught and becoming my own, free person.

Finally, the banner I use on my blog.

This one I have compared to being an apostate. The caption reads:

THOSE WHO SEE CORRUPTION INSIDE THE LIES OF DEMA FEEL A RESPONSIBILITY TO GET OUT, AND ATTEMPTED ESCAPE SHOULD BE HONORED. MANY ARE PUNISHED WITH THE FAILED PERIMETER ESCAPE BADGE, BUT WEAR IT PROUDLY. IT IS THEIR SYMBOL OF THE BANDITØ UNDERGROUND — THE FEW, THE PROUD, AND THE EMOTIONAL.

The label apostate is used often by people in religions as a label meant to shame, but we use it proudly. There are posts I have even seen about how “Apostate” means freed slave, and how it is a thing to be proud of. Much like how the note above says: “ We shall call our label of delinquince by a new name. This is who we are, and let us never be ashamed by the penalty placed upon us by false authorities.” I’m not ashamed to call myself an apostate anymore. I feared it at one point, but now I embrace it. It is what I am. I am freed, I am openly defying and rebelling against the false teachings of my childhood. And seeing this note was what solidified me relating this album and its lore to my life entirely. In my opinion, I escaped my DEMA. I saw the outside of the walls and was helped by those around me to escape them and find true freedom beyond them, in Trench. And although it will be a long time before I am truly free from the trauma and leftover programming that happened to me while I was in the LDS church, I have those around me who will reassure me and support me and let me know that I am never alone.

Anyway. I’m finally at the end of the post. Thank you for reading this. Cover me!

#i speak #exmormon #exmo #apostate #apostake #twenty one pilots #trench #dema #bandito

22 notes · View notes

patchdotexe · 6 years ago

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So, I have a character who is a system, and I wanted to know before I develop them further, how does DID work, from a personal account? I really really really don't want to accidentally create yet another TOXIC misinterpretation of a real condition (because I know how horrible that can feel), and I hope I'm not saying anything wrong even now. (P.S. I love your blog, but I'm too shy to come off anon.)

hey anon!! it means a LOT to me that you sent this message :D theres a lot of really messy-bad potrayals of DID in the media so seeing people actually going to the effort of asking systems abt their experiences is really heartwarming for us. (plus the fact that ppl keep asking us in specific abt system stuff omg,,)

im gonna preface this by saying that, in the end, i can only really talk about my own experiences with full confidence. systems can work pretty differently from each other, but this is how we function and also some details ive noticed from system friends + general discussion over the years

so, to start off: Dissociative Identity Disorder is, at its core, your brain trying to respond to trauma in a pretty severe way. that being said there ARE systems that didnt experience severe trauma and still developed, and im not really sure about the mechanics behind that but i find it really cool and it totally exists. im gonna focus on trauma-based systems bc that’s our ~tragic backstory~ and also tends to be what most people opt for when creating system characters anyway, but the only real difference from what i can tell is, uh, a lack of trauma.

I HOPE YOU’RE READY FOR ME TO SAY THE WORD “TRAUMA” A WHOLE LOT JFC

(system friends are welcome to reblog with corrections or added info!!)

anyway. the way your brain responds to things is really weird. if something happens where you’re just, like, completely unable to handle it, like you dissociate yourself so hard because there’s no way you can manage this, your brain has a chance of going “uh… well, fuck, uh” and generating somebody who can manage it. or it might decide to be a dick and take all of the fucky internalized garbage and turn it into a person whose sole existence is to be an asshole. (they have the potential to get better, i think… ours didnt.) honestly theres a bunch of reasons and a bunch of “roles” that could lead to an alter/headmate* forming.

* we use the terms interchangeably depending on mood and whos fronting. i think its supposed to be “alter” is DID, “headmate” is implication that theyre non-traumatic? we like using “headmate” because it brings this fun mental image of us being a bunch of roommates constantly starting shit with each other and goofing off which is pretty accurate about 75% of the time

i keep getting distracted bc my cat is here. this is gonna be fun to go back and edit.

whatever the original situation is, you’re suddenly not alone in your own brain. and it’s REALLY WEIRD. communication was VERY hard. Icarus, our system original, used to do a very “cliche” thing of sharing a journal with their early headmates, where theyd write a sentence and then theyd write a reply (although back then they didnt realize that was a system-related thing and just thought they were having a fun conversation with their ocs. which… they were, just. Actually Talking.) they didnt have any inward perception of themself or their headmates either, so that kinda built up over time (with some help) along with the appearance of our headspace so that there was… actually a location for people to interact in. once they had a better awareness of things, mental communication got a bit easier– its sort of like background chatter really, when everybody’s awake. sometimes i get weird out of context things from Mae yelling at somebody, or sometimes ill be talking to a friend and someone’ll butt in.

when talking out loud, this usually leads to us suddenly stopping and then laughing or going “no!!!”. when on discord and around people who know who we are… well.

speaking of Mae, she’s pretty much my sister. not like… biologically? because i don’t think thats possible for me, but shes kinda literally my “other half” which ill get into later. headmates can have strong attachments to other alters! friends, best friends, family, dating, whatever. they can also do that with people outside the system, and itll be different for each headmate. there’s like 4 people dating Jorb but i just see him as one of my best friends. we’re people and we have complex social interactions that can get to be kind of a nightmare when you’re around a bunch of people who don’t know that you’re Not Leo and that youre suddenly not super up to existing around people in general.

plus even if like… so Jorb’s dating 4 of us like i said, but his relationship w/ each of them is different? Ica is very clingy and likes rambling to him, Summer’s pretty much just always happy to hang out, Mae makes fun of him a lot but in a loving way, and Leo is… kinda “all of the above” because that’s his gimmick. plus even tho a few other alters have a sibling-ish relationship with Mae like i do, usually its just me and Mae that do the “chaos siblings” bit.

the basic system.. thing… is that there’s “front”, which is being in control of the body– so, like, i’m currently fronting/in front, because im the one currently active and using our computer and staring at our cat.– and then theres the headspace, where everybody hangs out when theyre not in front. the headspace itself can differ in style & functionality for each system, and i think theres some systems that dont really have a location at all? but for us its like a full on location where we have individual rooms, places to visit if we get bored while away from front, etc.

theres also like, being at/near/away from front? so currently im in front, but Leo is pretty much always lurking nearby if he’s awake (we have individual sleep schedules that dont always sync up to the “irl” one, Trust is almost always sleeping), Ica’s somewhat in the back talking to Rookie so i cant really make out what theyre saying (its probably about either a youtube thing they both like or about a comic they want to do), and everyone else is either asleep (in which case they could be nearby but i cant currently “ping” them, so id have to actually take a sec to ground myself in headspace more) or in a different room. communication is easier if im in front and somebody is nearby, or it can be like with Ica rn where im like “well, theyre talking, but i have no idea what theyre saying and am making a guess based off their usual interactions”, or i could pass off front to go talk to Ica and come back (in which case my memory would be kind of vague and weird because information doesnt always properly translate), oooor i could actually go bug them while still in front. which.. im not gonna do rn bc then id get super distracted.

switching front differs between systems a lot! and even varies from day to day. like there are days where we wake up and we have absolutely no idea who we are bc we went to bed as one person and woke up as another. or we could be talking to somebody and then realize “wait, i stopped being Leo a bit ago, who am i”. or we could pass off front to somebody, like if Summer really wanted to front sie’d run up to me and let me know and we’d swap. or if something critical happens (usually a breakdown), Leo or one of the other headmates that’re more built to handle stressful situations will literally drag somebody out of front to make sure they dont hurt themself. or sometimes we throw front at people unexpectedly, like either mid-breakdown where we go “okay i dont wanna be here anymore, tag youre it” or sometimes because we think its funny because its the metaphysical equivalent of getting clonked in the head with a dodgeball, except the dodgeball is “being in control of our shared physical form”. usually mae’s the one that does that lmao

there’s a couple major categories of how alters come about. there’s “walk-ins”, where they kinda just… appear externally? like they just show up. sometimes we get a feeling of “huh. i think somebody might be here? or somebody might be showing up soon.” and have to rummage around for a while until they approach us or we find them. our walk-ins aren’t like, inherently aware of system stuff at first, so they usually get a crash course before they first front (if they choose to front at all) and it can be kinda entertaining. Rookie’s a walk-in! also Hiro, from a couple years ago. most of our walk-ins are fictives (fictional characters, usually appearing in response to us getting extremely attached to something or somebody) but a couple of our trauma splits are also fictives so that’s not like, a Rule or anything. i think these are mostly associated with non-traumatic systems but we get em fairly often so man idk

theres also… uh, i dunno what theyre actually called? we used to call them “constructs” but that sounds kind of mean. these alters exist to fill a specific role! and we usually dont talk about them on here with the exception of one major one, they just kinda hang out. Dhe exists to keep the system stable and manages the “backend” so to speak. Imp is kind of a mix of our intrusive & impulsive thoughts that came about from us trying to separate ourself from them so that we had an imaginary entity to go “nope!” at, which… stopped being imaginary, and is now a gremlin that lives in my brain. they can show up in response to trauma but arent split off of somebody, they kinda just pop into existence to help manage things.

the more… well-known, i guess? alter origin is “trauma splits”. rather than “just showing up one day with no real connection to the system origins”, trauma splits are formed when somebody in-system, uh, splits. it could be in response to a single situation or something built up over a long time, but somebody just kinda breaks and somebody new that has a bit of the original alter’s identity (if kinda influenced by the situation) shows up.

this can vary. All is a trauma split off of Leo himself, who got saddled with all of our brain hell about our ex and their insystem appearance is influenced more by eir than by leo which is… something they struggle with. Mae has a trauma split from a similar situation that is “Mae but from 2 years ago”, so basically her old identity before she reworked herself after getting put through total hell. and then uh… then there’s me and Mae! Icarus quite literally exploded into several people, with Pat (me) and Mae being the most distinct ones. we’re STILL finding out alters used to originally be a part of them that later evolved into their own people, like Summer and Toby. my identity is shaped pretty heavily not just by who Ica was at time of splitting, but also what they wanted to be jumbled together with trying to rationalize what was happening to them (they’re a pretty big fan of megaman star force, which has a media-typical system in it, so they leaned into hard “its like pat and rey from mmsf! i like pat, i wouldnt mind being like pat, its scary but im like one of my current favourite characters” and so i ended up being like, half-weird shapeshifter, half-green-haired prettyboy. and yeah thats where my name comes from!)

(Ica got put back together w/o anybody needing to integrate, which we were all very scared about, and it’s still kind of surreal to me because… me and Mae used to be able to stick ourself back together and thats how we found out about what happened to Ica in the first place? and we havent tried that since bc we have no idea what would happen. Ica 2: Ica Harder?)

despite their origins, trauma splits can be way more than… being a split. :V;; Toby’s not just a tiny splinter of Ica, he’s a quiet guy that gets stressed out and isn’t totally sure how to interact with people. i’ve existed for like 7 years at minimum and im a totally different person than i was when i thought i was still Ica, ‘cause ive had time to grow and change (and a problem Ica keeps running into now that theyre back is… they kinda Didn’t change because they were MIA for 6 years.) like everything else though this is variable– there can be “temporary” splits that dont develop properly and might get integrated back in, which has only happened to us when we were at the lowest point in our life where we were stuck constantly splitting to try and cope with whatever the hell was going on.

so Ica was gone for 6 years, which meant our system was without an original or main– there wasn’t anybody to be head of the system, basically. for a while i was operating under the assumption that i was Ica, so i filled in that role for a few years before i made the realization. eventually i kinda… stopped being able to, though, bc of stability issues, and then we were back to not really having a proper main anymore. to make up for it, we started going by Leo collectively and kinda… trying to pretend to be a single person? and so that ended up creating a construct to fill the role of “system main and the person we pretend to be when passing as singlet/not a system”: Leo himself! he’s kinda the most prominent traits we all have in common rolled into a single guy, which means that not only is he a pretty good system representative but we can also pretend to be him pretty easily (unless it’s someone like Toby who acts totally different). i dont know how common this situation is, i think normally it’s just “if system original is gone, another alter steps up” like originally happened to us before i had a severe case of problems disorder.

uhhh this is very rambley bc there’s a Lot to cover and now im trying to figure out how much of it i HAVE covered. systems are complicated and weird! OH WAIT okay i have one last bit.

so like, for us, first realizing we were a system was total hell. we fought a lot. as more alters showed up through various means, there were times where Ica felt like they were completely out of control of their own life bc of having to manage everything. there were a lot of panic attacks of people fronting and not being sure they were even REAL, despite… being in front. but we still felt like we were deluding ourself. this was in, like, late 2011, so systems weren’t a THING. they were a very fringe community that everyone hated. we got constantly harassed, which only fed into Ica’s panic hell and our identity issues. interpersonal relationships became a nightmare, especially because we have BPD as well which varies in severity for each of us but… for me it’s pretty bad! there were times early on where every day was another fun new breakdown from us arguing with each other or our friends or not being understood or… etc.

so… how are we holding up ~7 and a half years later? pretty well, actually! we talk to each other. we do things for each other, like buy food or games we know specific headmates like. Ica is back and way happier than they were in 2011, and is thrilled to get to hang out with everybody that’s showed up since. we help each other through problems, because at the end of the day our system ended up being a support network. Ica couldnt function on their own, so we’re like… 10+ people working together to try and be a single functional person. and we feel pretty okay with that! we still fight, and we still start shit, but we’re not in constant crisis anymore. we’re still working through all of our trauma, especially the more “recent” stuff that kinda broke our system for a while until we were able to start rebuilding, but we’re doing it together. :D

so… yeah, it can start out as a stereotypical “nightmare system”, with constant infighting and toxicity and self-sabotage and etc. but we worked through it! it took a while, but we’re overall more stable than we were before. we got out of the bad environment that was fucking us up, we got mental help for our other brain hell (we havent been able to bring up the system to our therapists bc its literally a non-issue now and we focus more on other things like our depression, anxiety, PTSD, etc), we found people that support us for being us, and we were able to like… figure things out. and it was a mess! i still have issues about my own identity because of literally thinking i was someone else for two years. Ica’s still trying to figure out how to adjust to things, especially bc they missed our entire “cringe culture” phase so they came back to find that i’d dismantled a lot of their middle-school settings. and, uh, some of their friendships as well.

systems are fuckin weird

#leo chirps #leos reply #system shit #i dont think i covered EVERYTHING #and im not sure how coherent this is #but i tried! :D #Anonymous #ask #pat.txt

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twilightxcx · 6 years ago

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Embry call - Empty

Anonymous asked - Embry comforting his s/o after they lost their mother? Thanks for the request!

Warning: Angst.

READERS POV

My mom died last night, and I still can't take in she is gone.

We knew she was sick, and when she got diagnosed with tumors in her brain last year they told us to expect the worst, and we did. But we didn't expect it to come so soon.

She was actually even getting better for a short while, as good as you can be on chemo and after several radiation treatments i mean. But she answered to it, the tumor in her brain stoped to grow. She even got so good that she started working a little bit again. Just once a week, but still. With a promise of that if anything happens, even if it's just a little bit of dizziness, that she calls an ambulance. And as she was able to do that, it felt like I actually wasn't going to loose her after all, my mother. She was finally getting better.

But then it all crashed. From one week to another she started feeling down again, her vision limited, hearing not as good as before, dizziness and cramps in her left leg. It all felt not all too serious until the day she just fell to the ground, unconscious.

Just a month later she was gone. Tests had showed the tumor had stopped answering to the treatments, becoming even more aggressive for each week that passed. I just cant take in she was actually gonna disappear, leave, die. Leaving me, her daughter and the love of her life, my dad, here still on this earth whilst she is in heaven.

Hugging the blanket closer, I dig my face into it, feeling the calming scent of my mom's old perfume and shampoo, making me relax.

The same second I and dad got home that day, yesterday, he started putting everything that reminded him of mom and put it away, some even put in the trash. He was, and still is in denial and as he kept on searching the house for every part of clothing, makeup, parfyme and every other thing that reminded us of her in order to put it away. I sneaked into my room with her most recently used blanket from their bed, hiding it when dad stomped into my room looking if I had anything that could remind me of her. Lying that I didn't have anything from her when he asked, almost knowing he would get angry at me if even so tried to keep the memory of her longing.

Since then I've been crying. And just now, as I clung the old fabric of cotton, i feel empty, knowing that this is the last, and only, piece I will ever have to remind me of her. I wail into the blanket, turning the already wet material even more damp. Snoring, I hear my phone on the table buzz maybe another fifth time in ten minutes. Even though I know I should answer I ignore it, to heartbroken to care. I feel myself cry even more onto the blanket, weeping like a baby that just lost its comforter. And maybe that's just what I am.

I close my eyes, trying to calm down and breathe, telling myself it is gonna be fine. I think about how my mom is having it great in heaven and that she looks down on me and just feels proud, maybe even smiling. Your mom is okey, she is okey Y/N.

But at this moment I can't be happy, because I just lost my mom and I don't even know how I am supposed to live without her. More tears keeps on leaving my eyes as I continue to cry into the blanket, feeling the scent of my mom disappearing more and more for each time I put my face against it. Why did you have to go, mom?

The next time there is not a call catching my attention, but stones thrown at my window.

Too tired to even think twice about who would want me anything at this hour, I stand up, the cover clung to my chest. In slow steps I walk over to the closed window, still seeing small stones getting thrown at it. Catching a glimpse of myself in the mirror, I find my eyes very puffy, my cheeks ten shades more red then normal, and my hair looking like a mess. But I am too tired and too sad to even care if there even so would be a serial killer trying to get inside my room tonight. Even less so how I look right now. Everything just seems so worthless.

Since the night is dark and very cold, I open the window very slightly and call out an sad hello. To my surprise I hear Embrys soothing voice catch my ears.

"Hey, baby, wanna let me inside? You haven't answered my calls, I thought something happened to you" He says, already on his way climbing up the house wall with some help of a nearby tree. I sob, covering my face in a muffled cry.

"M-y mo-m is-s dea-d" I sniffle, almost whispering but the tight arms soon wrapping around my body says that he heard me anyway.

"It's okey beautiful, I am here" He speaks with a calm tone, caressing my back with his warm hand, having his other hand on the back of my head massaging my scalp in a soothing manner. I hold his warm, masculine body as close to me as possible, having forgotten about the blanket long ago. Everything I need now is just my Embry to hold me. Feeling tears building up in my eyes again, I wail, getting hushed by Embry as he rocks us a little side to side to calm me.

My breathing is rapid as he continues to rock me, from time to time he whispers something sweet in my ear. Soon, I am calm enough to let go a little of the embrance, looking up at him and his beautiful brown eyes. He caresses my cheek with his thumb, leaning down to kiss me gently on my forehead. He smiles sympatically at me, I snort. Placing my hand on top his chest, he guides me to breath in unision with him, getting back to a more normal state for each breath I take.

"Do you want to talk about it?" He asks, meeting my sad gaze with his chocolate brown, warming eyes. I shake my head. "Just hold me."I say, leaning back into his warm embrance as he silently do as I say.

In a matter of minutes he has moved us to my bed, having me covered in blankets pressed to his warm front. With my hand on top of his chest I feel his steady heart beat under it, telling me he is actually alive and is not going anywhere soon. I sigh, putting my head on top of his chest.

"I will always be here Y/N, always" He mumbles into my hair while he places short kisses onto my forehead, still stroking my back whilst doing so. As an answer I crawl even closer into his arms, feeling his chest rise and sink in order to provide oxygen to his lungs and body. Just seconds before I fall into a much needed sleep, I hear him whisper a 'I love you' against my temple.

SHORT AND SUCKS I AM SORRY

#embry call #quileute #sam uley #seth clearwater #twilight #jared cameron #leah clearwater #paul lahote #quil ateara #emily young #jacob black #wolves #wolfpack #embry call imagine #embry call × reader #sad #angst

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little-misses-lee · 6 years ago

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This past year has been one huge fuck you.

I went into 2018 with my Cluster Headaches, Temporomandibular Joint Dysfunction and Trigeminal Neuralgia as well as some unwelcome new symptoms.

So along came more medications, the controlled drugs, the questions and odd looks in the pharmacy. But no diagnosis. Just questions.

Is she crazy? Is she a drugseeker?

No. I believe I have eventually found doctors that can see my pain.

March comes and everything was painfully normal until the morning I woke up and something felt wrong.

I had a dead leg, atleast thats what I thought it was so I waited. And after 20 minutes I realised it wasnt right and pretty soon was waiting for an ambulance and feeling terrified.

At the hospital I kept smiling but knew something was wrong with me, something has been wrong with me for a long time. And now I cant move my leg. Not even wiggle a toe. Being transferred in the middle of the night and nurses giving each other glances they think I cant see, 'its quite possible its MS or a stroke".

I was 26. And some days later a neurologist is telling me that "the signals going from my brain to my leg are being lost or confused somewhere along the way. It may go completely back to normal but some people stay the same for 25 years."

I was not going to spend 25 years this way. I sat there for days just thinking over and over again about moving my leg, twitching my toe, anything. Over and over. Eventually my muscles started to move when I was making conscious thoughts, then I could move my toe although uncontrolled. After a while I could slightly bend my knee and then I was going home. I was wheeled out of hospital with still no real meaningful use of my leg. In bed for weeks having to drag myself across the floor just to get to the bathroom where I would be so exhausted I would collapse in a heap on the floor and just cry.

But I fought.

I worked through my physiotherapy and I got better. And the first time I really left the house was to go and see Blue October in Concert. I was determined to stand there at the rail and I did.

So I can walk but I remain using a crutch but considering what could have been I have no right to complain.

The year moved on and my symptoms worsen. I am constantly fatigued to such an extent that I had to brush my teeth in bed, eat meals in bed, spent countless hours exhausted but suffering horrific insomnia.

My life consisted of working when I was well enough and sleeping to avoid my body crashing so badly that I couldn't get up again for weeks.

I felt void of any purpose or value. I was so depressed that I completely lost myself along the way.

Eventually I had spent weeks in a state, I couldnt eat or drink without vomitting, my weight was dropping rapidly and I was in so much pain.

And I went for an Upper GI Endoscopy. A routine procedure under sedation. A sedation to which my body had a severe reaction to. The medication? Maybe. But they believe my body just couldnt cope, I was unconscious for about 10 hours, coming round later in Resus having just given up.

After scans and trial medications etc I finally got a diagnosis in August, "we are going to start treating you for Myalgic Encephalomyelitis and Fibromyalgia."

I have seen what M.E and fibro have done to lives and I was devastated. But I was determined that I wasnt going to feel defeated. I was going to find me again, I was going to enjoy life and it was going to mean something.

I had been promised so many things, a house, kids.

Then 2 days later my partner of 8 years left me. With no look of sorrow or guilt in his eyes. He doesnt love me and hasnt loved me for a long time. And there was me excited to start moving forward.

I was completely floored.

8 years of being completely dedicated to someone and they can leave you without them suffering any form of emotion. Or was there hatred for me? I will never know.

But how the fuck was I going to do this on my own. I had work colleagues help me pack up the last 8 years of my life from his to move out.

I felt like I had been dropped in the middle of the desert with nothing.

It was soon pretty evident that I was completely on my own and my best friend was gone. And to this day I havent heard a single word from him. I thought I couldn't be without him. But I did it and I did it with grace and dignity and I am stronger than him.

And to finish the year my dad has been diagnosed with a cancer in the brain and we are now watching him undergo treatment.

So we spent christmas day yesterday in hospital.

Now its boxing day and I am so floored.

My health feels like its taking a nose dive. My cluster headaches, trigeminal neuralgia and TMD are flaring up and im stuck in bed on Oxygen with injections by my side praying for it to stop.

My painkillers were stopped and I am now reliant on off license drugs such as Cymbalta and Lyrica, Amitriptyline. They have given me painkiller patches which are not helping.

My insomnia is currently so bad that I am a serious health risk and dissociation is a massive issue.

So 2018 had been a huge shit show but I have survived. And, my god, have I been challenged and have I learnt some amazing things about myself.

I will be going into another year with more symptoms, is it the conditions? The medications? I dont know but I am ready to fight again. With the knowledge that I am capable of getting through the worst without people I thought I couldnt live without and that I am so much better for it.

I may go into 2019 feeling a mess but in February I will stand at the rail at the Blue October concert and feel strong. And everything will be okay if only for a night.

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tammy-gregorio · 7 years ago

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“ We cant do that here!” and“ You’re in trouble now.” with Eva/Gregorio in the office?

Eva sat perched on Tammy’s desk, staring up at the conference room as she waited for her girlfriend to come downstairs. She watched as Tammy spoke to Pride and Sonja, smirking as she saw Tammy waving her arms around. Eva was familiar with Tammy’s habits, including an extreme use of hand gestures when she was speaking of something she felt strongly about.

Realizing it was going to be a while before Tammy came back down, Eva moved to Tammy’s seat, making herself comfortable. She stared at the picture frame on the desk; the frame held a picture of herself and Tammy, one Sonja had taken at their apartment. Eva thought back to that night, remembering just how happy she was with Tammy. That night, the two had been cooking dinner together, dancing to music that was playing out of a speaker. Sonja had snuck in and snapped a picture when Eva had her arms wrapped around Tammy, the two women facing each other. Eva’s wide smile was visible in the picture, something that only Tammy could bring out of her.

“That’s my favorite picture of us.”

Eva jumped at the voice, having been so deep in her thoughts that she hadn’t heard Tammy come downstairs. She spun around in the chair and faced Tammy, a smile growing on her lips. “It’s a nice picture, my smile is huge.”

Tammy nodded and leaned against her desk, looking down at Eva. “Your smile is always so gorgeous. When I’m having a rough day, I look at that picture and think about how lucky I am to come home to such an amazing woman.”

Eva stood up, her face inches from Tammy’s. She took one of Tammy’s hand into her own, holding it as she leaned forward and pressed her lips to Tammy’s. With her free hand, Eva pulled Tammy closer to her by her waist, letting her hand settle there once their bodies were pressed together. The kiss was short and sweet, although it left Eva leaning back in for a quick kiss before she stepped back.

“Eva, we can’t do that here,” Tammy mumbled. Her words contradicted her actions as her eyes flicked back to Eva’s lips, desperate to feel them against her own once more.

Eva gestured to the empty room, “There’s nobody down here, Tammy.”

This was the only assurance Tammy needed before she felt her lips crash into Eva’s, her hand finding its way up to the back of the redhead’s neck. Her fingers tangled themselves in the hair at the base of Eva’s neck and she pulled gently, enticing a small moan from Eva’s lips.

Their kiss was interrupted by someone clearing their throat. Tammy was hesitant to look up, worried it was Pride that had caught her kissing her girlfriend in the open. He wouldn’t have been mad if it were just a quick kiss, but Tammy was almost breathless by the end of the kiss; it wasn’t just a quick kiss, and it definitely could have gone further without the interruption.

Deciding to finally look up from Eva’s neck, sighing when her eyes met Pride’s. She narrowed her eyes at Eva and muttered, “You’re in trouble now,” before separating herself from Eva’s grip. Tammy stepped towards her boss, knowing she was in the wrong here. She turned her attention to Pride before starting, “Pride, I’m sorry. Eva just stopped by to- wait, Eva, why are you here?”

Eva blushed slightly as she straightened her back. “I, uh, I wanted to see if you were free to do lunch. I got off early and I know on days when you just have paperwork you work through your lunch and don’t eat.”

“Aw, Gregorio that’s adorable,” Sonja called out from the stairs. “I need to get myself an Eva.”

“You can’t have her,” Tammy mumbled. “She’s mine.”

Eva smirked at Tammy, knowing she would be teased further throughout the day. She loved the fact that she had softened Tammy around the edges, it was something Tammy had needed for a while. “I am happily yours,” she smiled.

“Don’t let it happen again,” Pride shook his head, knowing it was useless to say this. This wasn’t the first time, but if he was honest, he was happy for Tammy. In the time he knew her, he had seen her as a daughter. Seeing her happy made him happy, even if her girlfriend was an ex-Russian prisoner. It was something that was never brought up, but it did make its way into Pride’s brain several times.

“I’ll try,” Tammy nodded, knowing there was never going to actually be any punishment for kissing Eva at work. She turned to her girlfriend and smiled. “I would love to go to lunch with you, baby.”

@saiyandwaynepride @stanathanxoox

#tammy gregorio #eva azarova #tammy gregorio x eva azarova #azagorio #azagorio fic #dwayne pride #sonja percy #ncis new orleans #ncis new orleans fic #fic #drabble #prompt #prompt request #anon

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jesliey · 8 years ago

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Character Design Questions that i really just wanted to do because they looked fun

Tagged By: No one. I do what I want.

Most of my characters started in D&D but ill list em all for context:

Aliphos Gardwin, effectively ex-military Ranger from a what is now a frozen wasteland. Hes like a puppy in my eyes.

Anastasia Shepard, actual military. From my ME binge days. Probably the only one who’ll ever have an actual solid visual depiction

Alistair Shepard, twin brother to Ana. Technically not my character, but he punches things and hes such a dick i love it.

Unit 2038, mass produced celestial war machine with severely stunted emotional development. Had a REALLY long nap a while ago.

Firo Schwartzstein Avanezo, sleazy brat who likes to pickpocket and flirt. Closer inspection might catch a glimpse of some of that old money in his blood though.

Morgenstern, funny how dying from several impalement wounds makes a demonic deal for vengeance seem like a good idea. Might know Aliphos eventually im still pondering that...

Sacha Julian N’Doul, THE RICH PRETTYBOY IS JUST HERE TO HAVE A GOOD TIME

THIS IS REALLY LONG SO UNDER THE CUT IT GOES!

Who’s the oldest character of yours that you still use?

oh man i dont really use them as much as id want to...im not a great writer so i dont really do anything with any of them until something comes up like a d&d game for instance. Id still use all of them given the chance.

Aliphos is the one i can always fall back to though, ive had him the longest

Who’s the oldest character of yours, defunct or not?

Im gonna go ahead and assume this means physically. Pretty sure its Unit...either Unit or Firo. Ones a robot, and the other doesnt age, but i dont exactly remember whos older...

Pretty sure its Unit

Has creating a character ever made you realize something about yourself?

There hasnt been a “realization” per se...

Each character ive made has been some kind of manifestation of what i was feeling creatively at the time, with the exception of Aliphos. Hes straight up my first character who i made not realizing how self-inserty he was all the way back in grade 9 of highschool.

Any minor characters that have either taken over or branched off into their own stories?

See now this ones a bit more interesting because i didnt really have a side character until very recently. Sacha is a backup character for the wandering mess that is the party Morgenstern belongs to, and he acts as chief sponsor after they saved him from bandits. He isnt SUPPOSED to come into the spotlight of the adventure, but he will if Morgen becomes otherwise unavailable

Do you prefer to make human, animal, monster, or _____ characters? Why?

Well i mean “human” is very loosely defined here but yeah. These are characters i know and relate to best and im not a furry, so “human” it is!

ignoring the fact that only four of them are actual humans, and one of those four isnt even mine

When creating a character, do you come up with the visual concept or the written concept first?

written concepts, easily. when im sitting down trying to make a new brain-child theres a list of questions that goes through my head to get a better idea of what im going for.

where did they come from? what is the most important thing that has happened to them this far? how do they react to waking up on just a regular day? what is the most common thing they feel both physically and mentally? how do they handle being in a group of other similarly skilled people?

i find that answering just these gives me a better idea of what im working with than trying to get a picture going before having at it

Do you have characters that you know you’ll never use, but can’t bear to get rid of/recycle?

Im honestly having a hard time envisioning using Ana anywhere. shes a bit of an alcoholic downer, and she doesnt play well with others. Morgen doesnt either, but hes currently in use and even then i have to creatively stretch his personality quite a bit just to keep things rolling

i dont like the idea of just getting rid of characters though. a few of them have died. multiple times in some cases. continuities are a thing that doesnt really exist for me, but it is hard to find a scenario where those two in particular would click in well

Is there a character that embodies your good traits, or traits you wish you had?

Aliphos is generally up-beat most of the time, and Firo and Sacha love a good time more than anything else. in general, theyre my more happy characters and i like holding onto that.

Is there a character that embodies your bad traits? Several characters? Which ones and what traits?

Ana and Morgen are definitely some pretty negative characters at their cores. Morgen less so simply because i felt like i was in a bit of a creative rut and i wanted to try something new, but Anastasia came around back at the end of highschool during the Depression Years™ and it shows...

Morgens definitive characteristics are nonchalant detachment and disdain and anger, where Ana is a depressed alcoholic with a death complex. Theres nothing happy here.

Is there a character that explores your interests or fetishes (orrrr is that just all of you characters)?

The most interesting things i can do with my characters is something that i think is unexpected of myself. I had Ali for YEARS before i tried making another character, and while it was fun making a new one, she boiled down to a drunk depressed version of what came before. The more varied and exploratory i can get with my characters the better.

One of my best experiences with a character was developing Unit. I played out the inner conflict of realizing you are able to take a hold of personal freedom now that you know you can have it while simultaneously not wanting to because youre still holding onto the faith that the higher powers know whats best and you should still be awaiting further instruction. those instructions would never come, and Unit is just another forgotten soldier stuck fighting the war, but it was SO MUCH FUN to play out the moral dilemma and ponder the philosophy! that was such a new experience for me, and i loved it! so i made a point to try and spice it up with whatever i try and make next

If you have characters that embody certain traits of yours—good or bad—has writing them changed how you view those traits? Has it affected you in any way?

In truth? not particularly. i just sorta vomit ideas out onto my characters and whatever sticks sticks. i pay no real mind as to what those ideas mean. its just fun to me.

Do you fantasize about being any of your characters, or are you more detached?

Oh there is no way i can play a character and stay detached...

When im in it? Im in it.

Do you create playlists for your characters?

HELL YEAH I DO. SPOTIFY iS A BEAUTIFUL THiNG.

When writing for specific characters, is there anything you have to do to get into the right mindset?

I will ask myself all the same questions from above as when i come up with the character design, i listen to their playlist if i made one yet, and i picture whatever it was that they just got through experiencing.

a quick crash course refresher on how this character ticks.

Which character is your guilty pleasure?

Oh Sacha easily....hes the first character i think ive made where his entire backstory is hes from a rich family and he likes to try new things. Theres no intricacy here, hes just a simple start to a character and hes fon loving. Hes super refreshing to play around with.

Is there a character of yours who’s a real struggle to write/draw? Why do you think that is?

Award for hardest to work with is probably going to Firo. I just wasnt as invested into making him as i have been for other characters. When i think of characters id like to play around with, hed be on the bottom of the list purely because he has the least amount of my interest

Which character is the easiest to draw/write?

The self insert. Next question.

Is there anything you really wish you could do, character-design-wise, that you feel is outside your current skillset? A concept that you wish you could pull off but are uncertain about?

BRO LITERALLY EVERYTHING. I love coming up with the concepts and flushing them out as i go along, but i am not the greatest at writing and they all just sorta stay in my head. also i cant draw. its a bad time for everyone involved.

What’s more important to you: visual design, unique personality, a trendy character aesthetic, etc? If you’re not sure, then what’s the first thing you usually nail down in a character?

well the first thing i always nail down when i think id like to entertain the thought of a character is their origin. so in a way i guess the aesthetic? though as i said above i like to keep things anything but trendy

Do you ever plan to do anything (comic, animation, etc) with your characters? Or are you just happy to have them?

dude i would love to make something big out of my characters! the problem becomes then that i would need someone who is as in sync with how i perceive my characters to be artistically inclined with, because god knows i cant do shit out here. until that day arises? in my head they stay.

#long post #characters #character building #character design #ill rebagel it and tag a bunch of people later

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hobieheaven · 8 years ago

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MY SECRET ILLNESS + APOLOGY 🚑

The first time it happened I felt like I was going to die, like all the strength had drained from my body. Like I had walked into a wall of bricks I couldn’t push through. I prided myself on handling everything, no matter how hellish, no matter how I suffered, no illness I couldn’t come back from, no emotional destruction I couldn’t rebuild. Coming from an emotionally abusive family my survival has always been my highest priority, I always thought of myself as a one woman army. For the first time I’d ever experienced I had nothing left to give, nothing left in my body or spirit, my limbs which were strong just a day before, numb, tingling, aching, almost lifeless. I couldn’t get up, couldn’t walk, couldn’t make my own food, the personal freedoms which I’d held so dear were taken away overnight, I couldn’t go out, couldn’t see my friends. I had never felt young, yet I now knew what it was to feel hundreds of years old, to feel every suffering you’ve ever endured fall down on top of you until it caves in the protective dome you’ve built over your head. My brain was lost in a dark fog searching for answers, was it cancer? Deficiency? Flu? How could a healthy young person become life an ailing grandparent that fast?

After working for three years on a First Class Honours degree in Creative Writing I crashed and stayed down for three months, the remainder of summer spent with my time divided between the sofa and my bed, unable to get around, still unsure of my condition. Its difficult to express the sincere opinion that, umm, excuse me, I feel like I might die and my life is ruined, I’m an unemployed 22 year old women who is highly qualified with a good body and my looks intact who cant even get up and walk around.

Before I knew it the deadline for the Masters degree course I so wanted had passed twice over, my ability to work on resumes or even go out to deliver them had also gone to shit, each time I began to feel stronger and improve slightly with healthy foods and supplements to combat fatigue once again my toxic family would appear and destroy my progress until I felt ill once again.

In my darkest moments thoughts edged my periphery whispering that nothing would ever get better, this was life now. No hope. No way to fight. I had no more tolerance for my relatives poisonous ways, I knew why people ran away and lived on the streets. Because it was better than what I had dealt with my whole life, it was better than looking cruelty in the face and pretending to smile. After spending 22 years fighting demons I had finally encountered one which could not be taken by force. My illness.

With each relapse back into severe and debilitating exhaustion my recovery time was noticeably decreasing, I could go from feeling like I was running at 5% energy to 50% (which was as good as it got), and although my latest episode caused me to miss my own graduation ceremony and remain bed ridden, I finally went in search of answers.

I had all the signs and symptoms of Chronic Fatigue Syndrome, finally it had a name, this rock tied to my leg, weighing me down as I paddled for my life every day, just to keep from going under. Finally there were books, therapy options, nutrition, correct supplements, finally a label I could give to my doctor in the hope of treatment.

The moment my doctor diagnosed me with Chronic Fatigue Syndrome (also known as M.E or Myalgic encephalomyelitis) I held back my tears. Just to feel less alone, less muffled in deep black night, I wanted to spill every ounce of truth, that I survived Narcissistic emotional abuse, that I wanted rehab, that I needed a reason to hope.

Since then I have been looking after myself and taking daily walks as advised medically, I promised to myself that I would get the help I need and begin volunteering until I can finally apply for the publishing jobs I am qualified for.

Today was the day that I finally became quietly determined, to do what’s best for me, to live healthier and live BIG in spite of my illness, I can no longer sit here and watch the world go by in a flash, after all, I could be sick for many years, but why should that stop me dressing like the diva I always was? Why should it stop me having fun, going to eat with friends? Travelling to the places I’ve always dreamed of. Even if I have to be wheeled through Hongdae in a chair I won’t stop living, won’t let this defeat me. My dreams haven’t changed, it is simply that the way to them has changed direction, and so must I.

APOLOGY

For so long I have felt guilty, like I betrayed you, I created this blog with professional intention, to bring you beautiful well told stories that you might snuggle up in bed at night reading, to explore fantasies and romance. I couldn’t work on all the ideas I had, Hobie Heaven, my personal twitter and my news blog went to waste and I let a lot of people down, alot of people who actually ask me where I am when I disappear. I never found an effective way to explain to you, I am sorry for my absence and I ask once again for your trust in me, to wait and see the projects I have in store. No more will I let my aims go to waste.

For all my supporters, thank you, if it wasn’t for you, I would have fallen completely into darkness.

You keep me strong. You’re more than fellow fangirls, you’re fam. 💖💖💖🎀

#bts #bts blog #bts scenarios #bts smut #bangtan #bangtan seonyeondan #bts stories #bts fan fiction #bts army #bts fans #bts fanfic #bts fansite #cfs #cfs me #chronic fatigue #chronic fatigue syndrome #m.e./cfs #chronic illness

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aprilraine-blog1 · 8 years ago

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Experience

Ok i have a bit more time now……im gonna start by taking you back in time…….just gonna mention im not a religious person with a label, im not one who goes to church or read the Bible….ive always known that there is another side because relatives have visited me in my dreams over the years….not crazy often but when they do its great! And usually a message for me or others….so i have been spiritual but in a different way as most…..i had a great childhood. My Dad was a police officer,detective, narcotics officer and was in the Navy, football star in high school married my beautiful Mom and had me and my sister. Life was great. When is was 13 he was out with his friends on his motorcycle and going one block after leaving where he was his wheel wobbled and he crashed into a telephone pole and two cars wearing a helmet going maybe 30 mph……brain damage severe…..he was in a coma for a month and died. Life was hard. He was my world. And still is! Taught me a lot in life….i went on in life and had two kids, became a woodworker for the last 20 years and live by the lake just like I did when i was little. I married my husband and we like to skateboard everywhere, life is good again. I bought a moped cuz i miss being with my Dad and riding with him…..it was the best, i ripped it all apart put new parts on the whole darn thing, fixed the engine etc….I felt like him and enjoyed it! I felt him riding with me every ride. I loved riding! On July 31st i was with one of my friends who also mopeds and we went on a ride to the beach. I dont remember anything of this day but apparently i was at her house, we grilled out hung out with friends and went for a ride….at some time my front wheel messed up my brake got caught in the Rotor holes…i am guessing cuz that is the one thing my mind kept telling me i needed to fix that brake……i was going 25mph wearing a helmet and my bike slid and head went into the curb with my helmet on……i instantly was in seizures and puking. My friend called the police and they rushed me to ER….my brain was swollen and bleeding but skull was not cracked so they decided to cut out my left side of my skull. I was in a coma for 8 days and had got pneumonia from puking and the air breather pushed it in lungs….i got better and eventually woke up but do not remember much of anything just tiny visions…at this time i could not walk or talk or even move my fingers…..they sent me to a rehabilitation hospital and worked with me or tried to….and apparently i was punching people and trying to escape the whole time when i got there…they had me restrained and i remember getting myself out of my restraints and pulling tubes out of my body….but just slight memories….my husband tells me all i know know about that time and i have slight visions of moments but i dont remember anything until August 13th. The date my Dad died. I fell asleep that night and actually had a dream. It started with a rock with tons of glowing holes…..then the next thing i saw was a wormhole that was fire, the next thing i seen was our universe….the whole thing and then i zoomed to Earth….the whole time i was floating, didnt feel a thing and then i realized i was floating with my Dad. Flying thru space, i felt him. I didnt see him but i knew he was there with me and then he started to speak to me about the Earth and everything that has happened here, Jesus, the wars, etc….then he started to name my family one by one and showing me them….everyone who loved me. He talked to me about my Mom and how she will be leaving soon and be one with him but not yet……he told me it is not my time. He told me i still have great things left to do on this Earth. He told me how much he loves us all…….and then i woke up! In more ways then one! I woke up that day with full love in my soul, all around me, all i felt was peace. I knew to let people into my heart and let them help me. I even called my husband that morning and he didnt know what was going on but definitely knew i was changed! My brain was working that day, all together! I could remember everything at that time and was back to Earth. I was not in between out of body any longer! I was back! I gave rehabilitation my all and i ended up leaving there in three weeks when i was sopposed to be there ten weeks! I am fully back to me! They put my skull back in three months later and that went great!! I am now finishing up therapy classes and on my way to getting back to work etc…..life is normal again but greater in so many ways. In my out of body time i dont know what they did to me but as ive come back i have no sadness, no anger, no bad feelings about the past anymore. I have peace and all i want to do is help people on this Earth! So now i even want to change my profession from woodworker cabinetmaker to a rehabilitation worker. I want to help people thru this time of such confusion and fear……I am very thankful to be back and be back without any injury besides i cant smell or taste…..big deal. I’ll take it!!!! If you have any questions…..question away:) nice to meet you all!!!!

#near death experience

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rawrmeansmemes · 8 years ago

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THE KEY OF AWESOME LYRICS

Send the word ‘AWESOME’ and I will generate a random lyric from a Key of Awesome parody video using this generator. 1-145

That guy sure was grumpy, but no one can touch me as long as I'm swaggy

Your daddy told me that he'd murder me but I'm sure he was bluffing

I'm hot shit, I'm way cool!

I'm the toughest dude, in my home-school.

Your daddy is whiney. His wiener is tiny. Is he right behind me? That was a joke

Its the future and everything is weird.

Check out this guy, hes got a metal beard.

I give good headache, I'll make you scream.

Is this reality or just a fever dream?

I like to jerk and twitch this is how I dance.

Sometimes we like to sing like we are underwataah.

And the Joker pulls crimes in such an orderly manner. He must write it down in an evil day planner

His henchmen are psycho and expendable yet somehow completely dependable

And I wont try to touch your boobies on the first date.

Ill take you out to Chuck E Cheese and then a Pixar movie

I drink Jager bombs and get destroyed and grind on guys who are unemployed.

I put gel in my hair til it's bullet proof

Wake up in the morning looking greener than Shrek

When I hang around my house I do it theatrically

Dont you know I hate it when you sneak up on me like that .I was just about to crack you in the head with this bat

So now Im gonna read a book and give you a dirty look

I like to dress up like a fabulous clown

Youre hot, but youre dumber than a shoe

First of all this song is not as good as Bad Romance and it's not even close to Poker face or Just Dance

Im made of cupcakes, ice cream, and flowers

Young girls are helpless to my dark powers

I got em drooling like golden retrievers

Hes worse than Backstreet Brothers on the Block.

This little motherfuckers gonna ruin my rep

A cloud pooped out a rainbow turd

I had a dream the other night that Elmo and I got in a fight

If you ain't rich, they're goin' nowhere near your wiener

Don't need brains if that ass is fine

I want to go ahead and apologize in advance for what is probably going to be an underwhelming experience for you.

F.Y.I. lately I haven't been able to have an orgasm without crying.

He's self conscious bout my man boobs and my hairy chest

He took off his shirt but he's still got a furry vest

And now you're freakin' cus your thinkin' what the hell have I gotten my self into

As you look in his eyes you will soon realize that you won't be coming too

I'm not afraid to piss and moan about my feelings and how I've grown

This towns a zit lets squeeze the puss don't look at us like we're disgust...ing

Can't read my tik tok bla bla face

I'm partying with nuns

I'm peein' in your yard

We just met, but I know you're my soul mate

I've got your name tattooed on my chest, neck, and face

Lets get hitched right away or at least pick a date. I've got next week open. When do you have open?

I tripped and fell on my ass and all the children laughed

Let me introduce you to the skanks and douche bags in the soul destroying line at the club

Guess what, we just banged in the elevator

These pants are too small. They're skin tight. They're squeezing my balls.

I've got them moves like grandpa

I've got them boobs like grandma

But like a bellboy I take care of your bags

I may be a duck, but I ain't no quack

You leave with a looking like the Bride of Frankenstein

I get more ass than a toilet seat

Cops let me sing in the fuckin' street

My life is an endless buffet of hoes

I been pimpin ever since my voice got low

I could be partying with hookers and blow

Hello Hello How do you make the phone call someone back?

And if they catch him he will surely be dismembered

Tonight for dinner we're splitting a candy bar

We are the seventh sign of the apocalypse

Me and my four friends all want you so desperately

I like the fact that we wear the same size Capri's

I made you poptarts with extra gravy

The doors are locked now. You can't escape me.

You're my one and only that's what my dog told me

Now lets sacrifice some chickens

Feel free to spank me

They tell me it's just a nerd show, but Dragons are real to me

Winter Is coming I'm not sure what that means but you can bet it's probably bad news

We’re impossibly cute

Damn this song is mad catchy

So I bought this hipster voodoo doll with a beard

I'm stabbing him right in his Gyllenballs

This'll be the last time that I call tonight

Like, we sort of did. My stuffed animals totally remember it.

Gonna get my eye brows threaded then then I'll get a funky skunky stripe put on my head

Oh Peeka-peeka-boo where did I come from?

You're not as cute as these other two.

I'm stroking on this wooden thing and trying to make a sound but I have no ability

It's really hard to concentrate while I'm counting sheeps

I like to place a popsicle between my 2 butt cheeks

Someone sound the trumpets now lets do some hey's and ho's

They way we play is pure and honest bordering on weird and Amish

It's my career I can do a shark jump

Hands in my pants cus I'm itchy there

Ain't never gonna marry Thor's brother now

Now I'm dating a french guy made outta french fries

I look just like tweety If he was slutty

It's my booty I can drag it on the rug

Just replaced breakfast with crack.

I spent the past several months hiding in my Gagarage

Now lets try on some bras with claws and balls

I was once full of shit now, I think shit is full of me.

I'm not allowed to move my lips Cus my singing face is really homely

Can't decide which boy I like--Gale is buff, and Peeta's nice

Don't which cute dude is cuter

I'm Catching Fire down below

Ew, I hate when people set me up with guys

But first I'll brush my teeth and gargle with this booze.

Do you mean going down on me, senor clean?

I just fell down, crashed through a winder!

This song is about objectifying women and selling products like Pitbull's Fried Chicken

Just stay put my butt will find your butt.

I'd kill and I'd steal and I'd cheat on my taxes and french kiss a frog for that boy

Baby you could be my locksmith cus having safe sex is what I'm all about

Here's my horny sadface

Just go home you sound like Gollum

My voice is a cross between a baby and Biggie and Bane

I would say that's accurate so you cant call me Titbull

If you break my heart, you'll end up in a shitty song

Gonna find him and squish his testicles

Cuz my bang bang boom clap Anaconda's gotta stay high

I'm like a little fancy baby or an alcoholic furby

But my wee wee got scared when you took off your clothes

I owe you a sexy explanation

I only sing about cocaine and sex

But I thought this haunted shit hole flat was a good place to meet to reopen every wound

Man, technology sucks!

I’ll just go yell outside!

You still can’t take a joke

Did I say Skanky? I meant to say swanky and super cute.

Now, I’m gonna miss the butt slapping party

It’s time to fuck off!

Roll the nostalgic clips from last week

No more sexy loitering

It’s part porn--part true detective intro

Just went blonde. They have more fun--I’ve been told.

Pillowfuck is what I do when she’s gone

It’s what happens to schmucks who fuck with me

I just flew in from hell because we’re besties

I like to go to the beach in full make up

Help me I’ve fallen and don’t want to get up

I am a floppy sex fish try to catch me, flop flop

I’m the winner of the touch myself contest

This doesn’t feel sexy if I’m being honest

Whacked him like Pacino then screamed ‘Hoo Ah”

I am Chewbacca

I’m playing Mothafuckin Star Wars

You tried to kill me. But, I didn’t die.

I just drank sixteen cups of coffee--need that toddler energy

#lyrics meme #ask meme #rp meme #rp memes #generator meme #pls dont send any into this blog

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