#but it's so funny they meet each other and immediately go We are spiritually bonded soulmates. Let's go frolic together

[vamptastic]

eleanor and theodore are kinda gay. to me

[carlos-in-glasses]

Carlos-in-Glasses Goes to Paris

For prosperity I’ve written up my experience of the First Responders Reunion Convention – which is my first convention experience. And what an overwhelmingly good and stressful time it was. Under the cut is my attempt to capture my memories and the essence of it, rather than a transcription of panels and meeting rooms, as others have already done the good work (or will be). I hope you find this interesting and useful if you do read, and if you have any specific questions (including about travelling alone/logistics/issues I had) I’ll do my best to provide a coherent answer.

I am very tired and this is slightly manic but here we go:

Friday: If you are among those who waited in line for three hours to register for the convention, even if I did not see or interact with you….I feel we are spiritually bonded forever by the experience. Blimey, crikey, and bloody hell. It was not clear at all how long the wait would be, but I was not expecting that! However, there was an undeniable thrill in the air. I was in pain all over, yet happy. By the late evening, dinner was half a tube of Pringles and a glass of red wine.

Saturday: Breakfast was four croissants. I actually recommend this because they really did carry me through until lunch. Not long after arriving, we were milling about in the lobby waiting for the opening ceremony to begin - when Ronen walked past up on the mezzanine/ balcony thing, waving to us, all fabulous and just….there in the flesh?!!!...and revealing his hair. We’d speculated that he’d dyed it pink or the bisexual pride flag colours, or “wouldn’t it be funny if it’s just brown?!” And it was brown! And it WAS Funny.

The opening ceremony was a trip lol. Holy shit. They played a music video compilation of the actors from each show (I never want to hear How to Save a Life by The Fray ever again. Jk jk don’t come for meee). There was an undulation of incredibly loud screaming whenever particular actors popped up on screen, so it was like being on a rollercoaster that wasn’t moving. Adrenaline was high by the time all the actors walked out on stage and say hello. It’s hard to explain exactly how bonkers it is to be in the same physical space as Ronen, Rafa, Sierra and Natacha and see their non-TV dimensions… TANGENT TIME:

….Speaking of dimensions! I tried to pay close attention to the height difference between Ronen and Rafa, but it’s also an optical illusion in real life? FYI, I’m 5 ft 7 – Ronen didn’t seem massively taller than me, Rafa did seem massively taller than me; next to each other it was like there was nothing in it. But in my photos they’re both much taller than me and Ronen looks slightly the biggest I think 🤔 So I have no clue what’s going on. In fact, I’m more confused than ever.

After the opening ceremony (which I fled from because fuuuck) I was waiting around due to rocking up early for my meeting room by accident. The schedule was a confusing design and I was far from the only person who was doing a sort of 'hit-and-hope' when it came to figuring out where to be and when, especially as things almost immediately overran, so other activities got moved around/ postponed. ANYWAY – Ronen walked right past with a member of staff who was instructing him. I overheard him tell her “It’s okay…I’m a pro at this.” He really did wander around like he owned the place. At one point he strolled through the lobby with an unlit cigarette in his mouth.

My first activity was the meeting room with Ronen and Rafa (ie. a group of a set number of people in a room with actors for half an hour). By chance it turned out that I was sitting almost right next to them, with a gap left for the door between us. So, super close. And obviously they were both mesmerising. This was the meeting room where Rafa said “To catch the murderer, Carlos has to behave like one”, and explained that Carlos would have to murder parts of himself. His emphasis was on how Carlos’ innocence has been taken from him because his father’s life was stolen. For what it’s worth, I interpreted this as Rafa viewing the whole thing very much from an dramatic actor’s standpoint, and how he needs to get into the mindset of Carlos’ particular grief metaphorically, rather than meaning anything literal. He speaks quite intensely and thoughtfully and his choice of words is often bold. For anyone concerned about it, just remember he was asked a question and responded off the cuff the best he could in the moment, with limited time. He doesn’t write the show and I guess he’s making assumptions based on how season 4 left off, like the rest of us, unless he’s had very specific conversations with Tim (which, maybe! But he wouldn’t be able to give anything away. We don’t know anything). Then, when Ronen brought up TK dying (because Ronen always dies in the films/TV he does – using an axe to the chest as an example) it was pointed out that Tarlos is endgame, so he can’t die. Cue Rafa being like “Carlos could die with him! They die together!” I was like goodness me lads it’s early in the morning for this. I needed a brandy afterwards.

Next up was my Tarlos Duo Photoshoot. As noted above, everything had fallen behind schedule, and things were starting to get switched around. Honestly, it was confusing, daunting and stressful (please note: Am VERY easily confused, daunted, and stressed). But thanks to the power of following others and asking questions, I ended up where I needed to be. When it was my turn, Rafa immediately and warmly put his arm around me to pose but Ronen was talking to a staff member, so Rafa and I were just… touching each other for a good few seconds before Ro joined us! I took the opportunity to thank Rafa for doing this for us, but I can’t remember how he responded. Then the photo was taken. I told them they’re both amazing, they said “aw thanks” at the same time, and again I fled the scene. As there are so many people, the shoot you have is super speedy. I advise really trying to keep your cool even though it’s a highly flustering situation. You don’t want it to become a total blur or something you regret, because it really is lovely to be next to them and quickly say a few words and get a keepsake afterwards.

My next activity was autographs and selfies with Natacha and Sierra. A super lovely thing. I gave them cards I'd written (as I also did for Rafa and Ronen the next day). Sierra was an absolute highlight for me. Just the warmest, kindest person. A total joy. She opened her card in front of me and I was like nooooo don't. It truly felt like she’d come to the convention for the opportunity to meet us, rather than the other way around. She told me she liked my outfit and said I look beautiful in pink. Similar to what I said to Rafa, I thanked her and told her I can’t imagine what it’s like for them to do this, expecting her to quickly say “oh you’re welcome” or something. But she started having a mini-philosophical conversation with me about the nature of fame and fandom! Then she said “it is overwhelming in the best way” because she gets to see the human heart behind all the messages etc (I’m paraphrasing). I said “it’s all about love” and she said “yes! It’s all about love, absolutely.” She was a true delight. And Natacha is a blast. She also complimented my pink outfit and I was like ???? Thanks????!!! Gahhh. The selfies came out way more flattering than the photoshoot. The lighting. Oof.

The last Saturday thing for me was the panel with Ronen and Rafa. It was quite brief but there were some real gems. Rafa saying he only has eyes for Tarlos. Ronen saying “Safe in their apartment holding on to each other. I think Carlos is TK’s honeymoon.” I melted. I let our an audible aww.

Sunday: The first thing was a Lone Star quiz in the panel room with Natacha and Sierra. They were so fun and such good sports. Then it was the Lone Star panel, where Natacha, Sierra, Ronen and Rafa were all on stage together answering fan questions. It was really nice to see them all interact, banter and laugh together. Sierra made a point of saying they’re all close in real life and hang out in their free time. There was a great vibe between them and such a good atmosphere in the room. I loved it when Rafa told Ronen that he was out of rhythm when it came to learning the pilot episode line dance; Ronen argued that he smashed it and there's video evidence. Rafa's response was "Sweetie, no."

I then had the autograph and selfie sessions with Rafa and Ronen, but because the Lone Star panel overran, suddenly Ronen had his photoshoot session instead, so I had a clash between going to that or staying downstairs for Rafa. I was trying to figure out what to do until the queen that is @actuallysara got some clarity from a staff member and we went up to Ronen, but by that point the upper level by the studio was crowded and chaotic. Be advised to prepare for disarray if you’ve never been to a convention before. It might be that you experience no scheduling issues or confusion, but just be prepared for the advent anyway. As it happened, I was through quickly for my photo with Ronen – again thanks to Sara locating the door! Ronen, hungover, was wearing his sunglasses, so I wore mine. He did a dumb pose without saying anything; I grinned at the camera and then thanked him and ran off again to get back downstairs where Rafa was still signing autographs. I got to tell him he plays my favourite character of all time and we took a selfie I really love ahhhh. Then Rafa had to leave for his photoshoot – which was my next thing – so I ran back upstairs and was one of the first in line! So I was like “heeey nice to see you again so soon…!” He remembered my name – I guess because he’d only just written it down 😅 I thanked him for the 10th time – just couldn’t stop thanking everyone like I’d caught a disease where the symptom is permanent gratitude. THEN I ran downstairs to do the autograph and selfie with Ronen, who was running late – so that got postponed to the afternoon after we’d already waited a long while. When it did happen it was great - I can't remember what I said to him but I assume it was polite and made sense – although a chaotic queuing system again ensued. A whole long line of us were crushed together in the heat. I had an Aperpol spritz after and when I tell you I’d never needed a drink like that more…

That was it for my paid activities! Unknown to me at the time, my final glimpse of Ronen, Rafa, Sierra and Natacha was when I was sitting on the floor eating Ritz Crackers while they were wandering past on their way to/from whatever they were doing next. It felt so normal to see them around at that point. We gathered for the closing ceremony, thinking we’d see all the actors on stage once more for a goodbye, but the ceremony had to happen without any of the actors because of running late. So, I cherish my ‘seeing them in the hallway’ memories.

Overall feelings and would I do it again? If you’ve never been to a convention before but want to, do go into it with open eyes: There’s potentially a lot of waiting around and standing in line for a long time in a hot space (sometimes the line is more like a shapeless crowd and you don’t know where it begins and ends). Some of the activities are quite rushed. They fall behind schedule easily and you have to be agile about where to go next and what to do. The Dream It team worked super hard and could do with employing more staff in stewarding roles, ideally wearing something that identifies them as such (the staff blended in with the visitors of the convention). But I don’t know the economics of their staffing situation so maybe they can’t grow the team. Anyway, having more signs up also would have been useful. When you do get your moment with Ronen, Rafa, Sierra, Natacha though – or whoever you have come to see – it really is beautiful and meaningful.

Right now, I’m flipflopping – but mainly I think once is enough for me, unless they come to a convention the UK. There’s a couple of aspects I’d like to ‘do over,’ but perhaps not enough to try to recreate the magic a second time, given the expense of it?? That might change over the coming months – we’ll see! I went to this convention with the goal of meeting Ronen and Rafa (with Natacha and a Sierra being a glorious bonus as I booked it long before they were announced as guests) to tell them in person thank you and I love you – and I achieved that. I do think it was worth my money, but it is very expensive and tiring. I was lucky to be in a good position to pay for it this year, which might not be the case going forward. You really need to be able to afford to do it, and genuinely want to do it, knowing you’re paying money for something that is going to have some hard and challenging aspects as well as the amazing and joyful. Personally, I love that I went once. I didn’t love the Super Endurance Test of 2023 that was standing in line for three hours on Friday after travelling hahaaaaaa god. I loved the selfies and autograph sessions. I didn’t love the photoshoot outcomes but I loved that I’ve had Rafa’s large hand on my shoulder because I'm slutty so. I love that I looked into both his and Ronen’s eyes and told them how great they are. I love that I uploaded my selfie with Rafa to my instastory and he viewed it, so there’s just a line of my friends’ names, then actuallyrafa, then a line of my friends’ names 🤣

I also want to note that in real life, compared to footage of them in interviews/insta lives/wherever, I think you get even more of a sense of just how different they are to their characters. It made me respect them all even more than I already did, which I didn’t think was possible. They are SO talented.

BUT most importantly: The reason why this was so brilliant was @actuallysara, without whom I wouldn’t have thought I could travel alone to Paris and do this at all. Sara, meeting you and giving you a big hug was also the dream. You are so helpful and knowledgeable and kind ,and once again your flags were a fantastic idea and I’m so happy I got to sign them. I hope I get to see you again very soon. Thank you from the depths of my soul. @meditating-honey-badger (and your fabulous companion…!) it was a true delight to hang out, and chill out, and have such funny and deep conversations. You are an absolute light and I loved meeting you. I hope so much to see you again too. Like Sara, it could never be too soon. And @cold-blooded-jelly-doughnut. What can I say. What can I possibly say. I want to make drinking on rooftop bars while talking about writing our thing. I’ve never done that with anyone else. We really went through this side by side and I wouldn’t have had it any other way. I already miss you and I thank you too. You are, in fact, the warmest doughnut in town. All of you, forever ❤️. You made it what it was.

(Digitally applied giant aviator sunglasses and some editing so the Tarlos duo photoshoot doesn't count as a face reveal. Thank you also to the lovely people who made bracelets and handed them out.)

[judediangelo75]

We Will Be Heroes

Blame Discord and the AU ideas group chat

MC Friend: David Willows ( @that-scouse-wizard )

--------

“Mum... where are we,” a 9 year old David asked as he and his mother approached a white and tan house.

“You’ll find out soon enough, David,” Rue answered with a soft smile. The pair approached the front of house silently. Outside hovering on the porch was an Alakazam. The Psi Pokémon seem to be meditating, only opening its eyes to acknowledge the pair. 

“Hello. Is Kendrick Harris home,” Rue asked the Psychic type. The Psychic Pokémon studied the two before nodded silently. Standing on both feet, Alakazam motioned the pair to follow it to the backyard. David watched with wide eyes as he spotted different baby and adult Pokémon alike roaming around the yard.

“Ah, Alakazam. I see you brought guests,” a thick accented voice said. David turned to find Alakazam standing a tall dark skin man with pale gold eyes. The man studied them with a steady gaze. Rue stepped forward, extending out her hand for a handshake.

“Pleasure to meet you, Kendrick. I’ve heard a lot of good things about you as a trainer and a breeder,” Rue said. Kendrick rose a brow and gave a polite smirk, accepting the handshake.

“Not everyday an Elite Four member comes around someone’s humble abode with a compliments. Believe me, Ms. Willows, the pleasure is all mine. Now pleasantries aside, what can I do for you today?” Rue, gently placed David in front of her, giving his shoulders a small squeeze.

“I was hoping to find a companion for my son, David. I know it’s still rather early for him to start a journey but I’d figured a having a Pokémon companion would put him ahead of others on how to bond and take care of them.” Kendrick kneeled before the young boy, who ducked his head.

The combination of his scar and the sharp angle of his eyes made the young boy nervous.

“Hey son, no need to be afraid of me. I wanna help you find a Pokémon friend for you to take home with you. So tell me, what’s your favorite type and we can go from there,” Kendrick said softly, a small smile tugging on his lips. David peeked at the man.

“F-...Fighting types are my favorite,” he mumbled. Something sparked in the man’s eyes before he stood up.

“I have just the type in mind. Follow me.” David and Rue followed Kendrick inside of his home. 

Inside in the living room was a girl who looked about David’s age and a Lucario. The pair seemed to be meditating, much like Alakazam had.

“Lucario, Judith. Come and say hello to our guests,” Kendrick called out to the pair. The two opened their eyes to stare at their little group. David noticed how much the girl resembled Kendrick as they approached.

“David, Rue. Meet my daughter, Judith, and my oldest friend and partner, Lucario. Baby girl, Lucario, say hello to Rue Willows, a member of the Elite Four, and her son David,” Kendrick introduced.

“Hello...” David gasped at the male voice that sounded in the room. Rue looked at Lucario, impressed.

“Not everyday you meet a Lucario who can use Telepathy. Impressive,” she said softly. David stared up at the Aura Pokémon in awe.

“You can really talk,” he asked. The jackal-like Pokémon chuckled.

“That I can, little one,” Lucario answered, slightly amused.

“H-hi...” Two pairs of brown eyes focused on the little girl, who seemed to be trying to hide behind Lucario.

“Hi... I’m David,” the young boy said. The girl’s pale gold eyes bounced between Rue and David before quietly saying,

“I-I’m Judith... n-nice to meet you...” Kendrick walked up and kneeled beside his little girl, who latched onto him almost immediately.

“Judith here is a bit shy around people. I hope you don’t mind.” Rue nodded.

“Not at all. She is a rather cute little girl.”

“I’m not little,” came a muffled response. The two adults chuckled.

“She’s also sassy,” Kendrick said with a smirk.

“Now, you said you have a Pokémon for my son...” Kendrick nodded.

“Funny enough, I wanted my daughter to have her own companion. Lucario here agreed to breed with a Mienshao so his child could be her companion. Surprisingly, two eggs resulted from that breeding. Both Riolus. If it’s okay with Lucario here, then the other egg is yours,” Kendrick informed, sparing a glance at his old friend. Lucario regarded the Willows for a few moments before nodding.

“Your son has a strong fighting spirit as well as a kind heart. I trust him to take care of my pup.” David grinned, partially dancing on the balls of his feet.

He was going to get a Riolu!

“Wonderful, we can discuss the details on egg care while Lucario gets one of them. Judith, do you mind staying with David for a while?” The young girl glanced at David, giving a slight nod. Kendrick separated himself from his daughter to handle the paperwork with Rue in the next room. Lucario ruffled the girl’s locs with a paw as he passed by.

The two children were now alone.

“So...” David started.

“So...” Judith echoed.

“What’s it like growing up with a breeder as a parent,” he asked. Judith looked thoughtful for a moment before answering,

“It’s pretty cool. Papa had a lot of Pokémon before being a breeder. Alakazam and Lucario are two of them. He’s been teaching me about Pokémon care and such since I was six. He allows me to help along side him. I even train with Papa’s Pokémon on days I don’t. Lucario even teaches me about Aura and how to wield it...” David cocked his head to the side.

“Aura,” he asked.

“It’s a form of spiritual energy. The essence of every living creature that roams this Earth.” The two kids looked up to find Lucario carrying two eggs. Judith immediately got up to take the one on the right.

“I’ve been teaching Judith to help feed her Aura into one of the eggs. To establish a bond quicker. She can show you...” David stared at the shy Harris with starry eyes.

“Can you,” he asked, excitement bubbling in his chest. Judith blushed before nodding. 

David and Lucario watched silently as Judith placed her small hands over the egg. A soft blue glow emitted from her hands, bathing over the egg with energy. The girl’s locs levitated slightly, forming a halo around her. David stared in awe at the sight.

“Wow...” was all he can see as she finished.

“Good job, little one,” Lucario praised. Judith let out a nervous laugh and smiled.

For the rest of the time, David spent time with Judith and the other Pokémon that lived there. He found himself in awe of the girl next him as she told him about the different facts she learned from her father. Even finding himself to be at ease when she played a song to help the baby Pokémon sleep on a shell-like instrument. He didn’t want to leave after the adults settled everything.

“Mum, do we have to go,” he whined, hugging his new friend close as if he was going to take her with them. Rue did her best not to snort.

“Yes, I’m sure David. You’ll get to see each other again. The Pokémon world may be large, but it’s also incredibly small.” Kendrick chuckled, stealing his daughter back from the pouting boy.

“Your mother is right. You two may see each other on your journey,” Kendrick said. David glanced at the girl with pale gold eyes.

“Hopefully we can see each other again, Judith,” he said as he took his mom’s hand. The girl gave him a reserved smile as she nuzzled close to her Papa.

“Hopefully. I’ll never forget you...”

--------------

“I can’t wait to take on our next gym in Veilstone City. We’ll definitely be ready, right Riolu,” David asked his oldest friend. Riolu let out a cheer from his trainer’s shoulders as they walked through the forest. 

Riolu suddenly perked up as he heard something. David, noticing the odd behavior from his Pokémon questioned him.

“Riolu? What’s the matter?” The Emanation Pokémon pointed to the trees overhead. David caught movement throughout the trees over them. He made out the blue and black colors of a small bi-pedal Pokémon but he didn’t get a good look at the person racing them. David glanced at his Pokémon before taking off after them.

-----

Judith reached the end of the forest, effortlessly backflipping before landing on her feet. Her trusted partner landed on her shoulders. She nuzzled the Pokémon.

“Your speed is getting better, Riolu. Soon I’ll have you train with Chimchar to work on your dodging again to see how you do,” she said. Riolu cooed and nodded.

“Hey!” A voice called out. Judith turned to find a familiar pair of brown eyes staring at her.

“David,” she asked out of shock. A wide grin spread on the boy’s face.

“Judith! Long time no see!”

[thetragedyofprinceben]

reylo in TROS: a long meta

SPOILERS AHEAD

WHAT’S GOING ON WITH REY AND BEN (1st/2nd acts)

We start the movie with a very different Kylo we left in The Last Jedi. Mostly because we see a lot of Vader in him. His relationship towards Rey is possessive and intense. He WANTS Rey whether she wants it or not. His whole persona reminded me of anakin in ROTS. (“the jedi turned against me, DON’T YOU TURN AGAINST ME). He’s demanding to high hell. This change is because:

1. Ben felt betrayed obviously after tlj, especially because HE KNOWS she wanted to join him.

2. Ben doubling down on the dark side because of this betrayal- if soft boi Kylo didn’t work, then the only option is demanding aggressive Kylo.

3. Such intense negative feelings from tlj are what drive people deeper in the dark side so seeing more Vader then Ben is expected.

Kylo is pissed and hurting. but he’s deep in love. You think he only wanted to grab that necklace? He’s angry but subconsciously is like ‘damn i really wish i could pull this girl into my arms and kiss her’ but he can’t- so he grabs her necklace instead. A move that is both childish, but sexually charged. Think the phantom ripping off Christine’s necklace in POTO. Kylo is peak phantom in these moments. He feels very much in control of his sexuality, compared to TFA when he was drooling on Rey and in TLJ when he was ‘accidentally’ shirtless.

Where’s Rey at? Rey is very clearly running away from her desires. She’s heartbroken that she couldn’t run off with her soulmate, but we see she’s upset that he regressed (‘serving a new master’). So our heroine is heartbroken, disappointed, but still loves her dark prince. Her anger at all of her conflict (not to mention the palpatine hoopla she has to deal with) comes out the most in her fights between ren. Remember, fights between Rey and Kylo are basically fights between themselves because of the soul stuff (I’ll get to that later). And Rey also attacks Kylo first. She’s defending herself against her own desires. it’s only when Rey heals kylo, she truly confronts that side to her- her desire to want to be with Kylo. Then she runs off because she’s scared to that staying with Kylo might cause the dark union she saw in her vision.

Both of them are obviously hurting so much, they trade hurtful blows to each other in the forcebond scene like to exes after a break up.

That’s roughly where our two stupid lovers are at in TROS. The real turning point of the way they view each other is the Death Star fight. As i said, Rey confronts her desire while healing kylo. The start of the healing that will take place throughout the course of the film between them. Rey is almost apologising to Kylo for obviously hurting him by denying her feelings but reasserts that Kylo is not worthy of her love. Ben is.

And Kylo is shocked. This is pretty funny to be honest. Ben Solo, a person he has called weak, has hidden away, thought he had killed, was the one Rey wanted? He’s still intensely in love with her, but we see the aggression and possession slip away completely- he lets her run off with his ship! He knows she has feelings for him. but Kylo can’t resurrect ben solo alone. Fittingly his parents help him out in one of the most beautiful scenes of the saga.

BEFORE I GET TO THE THIRD ACT WE NEED TO TALK SYMBOLISM, SOULS AND DYADS. STAY WITH ME

It is revealed that Rey and Ben are dyads in the force. one soul in two bodies. they are the other halves to each other. on an instinctual and spiritual basis, they WANT to come together, to join and be whole. but also, they ARE each other. That’s why they know each other before TFA, they recognise their soul in the other. And just meeting each other and being in each other’s minds ‘awakens’ this bond explicitly. Now that souls have met, they aren’t going to go to far away. Cue force Skype.

Personally, I believe the force created this dyad to make sure that there is balance. The dyad is made once Rey is born and by this time Ben has probably been groomed by palp for a while. the force recognises this and splits the soul of ben and placing it in someone so firmly placed in the light, tethering him to the light. but also Rey has a tether to the dark. B A L A N C E. Even though palp corrupted ben, it was only ever one half, the promise and potential of ben to come back to the light was forever there once Rey was born.

But also on another level, the force is finally bringing balance between the Jedi and the Sith. It wasn’t a fluke that the descendent of the most powerful Sith Lord was linked to a Skywalker (a family emblematic of the Jedi). The bond also ensures that healing can finally take place between these two factions as these two souls will need to inevitably join at one point.

So to recap, for my sanity, Rey and Ben share the same soul, spiritually they are the same person. The dyad represents balance by placing on half of the soul on the dark side, one of the light. one with the descendent of most powerful jedi, one with the descendent of the most powerful Sith. The two halves will forever be seeking union, meaning these two halves will also be seeking balance- most importantly- IN THE LIGHT.

Balance isn’t grey jedi. Balance is balance on the light side- ALWAYS. Which is why it’s when Ben Solo has been groomed by the dark side, the dyad connection, tethers him to the LIGHT. Rey’s own tether to the dark through Ben so more of an acknowledgement that powerful light means powerful darkness. Darkness will always be there, and it’s important not to lose track of it. But this tether is primarily there to maintain balance and save Ben from the dark- a clear path to the light.

AND WE SEE THIS STRAIGHT IN TFA. As soon as Kylo meets the other half of his soul he doesn’t want to part with it. There’s also a romantic bond, one of the most powerful bonds in the universe as seen throughout the saga. She’s compassionate, a selfless, powerful, not to mention beautiful. But outside of looks, Rey is an attractive person to Ben trait wise. But what underpins this, is her light which she is positively brimming with. I mean...her names REY. Ben is attracted to that light and all the traits that go along with being so firm in the light. I believe whole heartedly that even if the dyad connection didn’t exist, Ben wouldn’t be able to resist himself when it comes to rey.

And this is what explains the delayed reciprocation of feelings between Rey and Ben. Ben is infatuated with the light in rey almost immediately. Add the dyad connection and BOOM. Rey, also has this similar attraction to the light outside the dyad. As soon as she she’s a sliver of ben solo in the hut scene (Ben Solo who is a literal angel on the light side) she falls in love with him. Remember the light is compassion, warmth, life, selflessness. Imagine feeling a surge of all of these things by just glimpsing at a person’s future? But THIS IS ONLY WITH BEN. And of course ben is always inside Kylo so all that intense eye f*cking? I believe Ben is literally getting lost in her light, while Rey is literally searching for the Ben Solo within Kylo and trying to grab on to him, she can sense him in there. Important to note that as soon as she sees Ben in the hut, she wants to touch his face, hair, (cough lips cough).

LASTLY. The poetry of the last Skywalker and the last Palpatine falling in love and being bonded can not be ignored. There is intense trauma between these two bloodlines and between these two bloodlines AND THE ENTIRE GALAXY. Ben and Rey are healing that trauma with love, not hate, in turn healing the galaxy (until another nuisance appears of course).

BACK TO TROS.

So angel Ben Solo is the literal embodiment of light in this final act. He is motivated by love ONLY. THAT SCREAMS SKYWALKER. Is there any wonder why rey fell in love with him after catching a glimpse in TLJ? Most beautifully, he saves his love from falling to the dark. once Ben Solo is reborn, both souls are in the light, now they just need to joined.

Rey seeing her soulmate as the angel of the light she always saw glimpses of...CHEFS KISS. she’s completely in love and he’s there to save her,,,just ugh that scene is so beautiful and the emotions and expressions speak for themselves to be honest. Never more strongly have they wanted to be joined (soul wise and physically) since the throne room scene.

Before ben gets thrown into the pit *sign* Palp tells us, that the connection is LIFE ITSELF. so when I say the balance, the connection is healing, this is what I mean. Them coming together literally means bringing new life into the galaxy, healing old wounds.

So anyway Ben gets thrown in the pit.

This pissed off people (including myself) because GOSH DARN IT I WANT TO SEE AN EPIC PALP V REY AND BEN FIGHT. but I’m forcing myself to look at this scene symbolically. the masculine and the feminine is united within rey (something Palpatine has never faced), the masculine being half of Ben’s soul and the feminine being herself. Not to mention how Rey is coded as padme so much. It’s like Padme is getting the killing blow towards a man she that broke her whole family. I like this culminating in rey declaring herself as a Jedi finally. she wanted to know her place in ‘all of this’ and she is literally standing in the place of thousands of generation of jedi. Pretty awesome.

Ben being there would have been preferable for a multitude of reasons, but there’s a lot of meta you can grab onto to enjoy this scene. a particularly like the masculine/fem joined in defeating palp.

I also love that it’s a Palpatine that destroys a palpatine. He was so sure of his power and of himself as this grand Sith Lord, and it’s his own power, through his granddaughter, united with generations of JEDI that causes his downfall.

Rey is defeating her own toxic dark almost, just like Ben Solo killing Kylo. TO CLARIFY, not the DARK SIDE. the dark side is needed for balance, but the unnatural and destructive dark that Palp created through manipulating the force which would have long lasting consequences if not dealt with.

(FINAL STRETCH. IS ANYONE STILL HERE?)

SO REY DIES.

Expected. you know why? BALANCE. the sith and the jedi both die. the joint trauma between the sith and jedi is destroyed.

So what’s happening with the dyad connection now she’s dead? There’s many theories and explanations. Personally I believe the connection caused an open  wound. Ben Solo felt this. This wound is what makes the other half of a dyad die if one of the soulmates die. They literally lose the will to live because half of their soul is dead. Ben solo would rather die that live on without Rey.

So he feels the gaping wound and decides he needs to sacrifice himself to save rey. He transfers his life to Rey. NOW it’s debatable whether or not his soul also gets transferred.

I’m not quite certain. If he gives his soul, then the balance IS Rey in the end and Ben is one with the force. Cosmic force to be specific. Whether he can come back from the cosmic force because Rey literally carries his soul within her- she can drag him back maybe. If his soul isn’t transferred, it just means that the balance ISN’T rey alone, but when Ben passes to the cosmic force the connection they share is still alive, Rey in the living force and Ben in the cosmic force. Balance. And the connection means that Rey can possibly drag Ben back into the world of the living.

Both two scenarios exist if you believe Ben went to the word between worlds instead (with the help of leia) which is why he isn’t a force ghost.

BUT ANYWHO.

Ben using pure, unbound love revives Rey. He finishes what his grandfather couldn’t and what the jedi wouldn’t allow. His life force is what makes this godlike move possible, but also just the purity of intentions. so while Anakin is coded as Jesus, a literal child of the force, his intentions are wayward, not just love, but possession and power. Ben is fully ready to sacrifice his life for Rey with no strings attached. By doing this he also could be considered the chosen one as much as anakin, bringing balance to the force by making sure the union and connection of the soul continues.

Rey awakes in the arms of her angel. ben is staring at Rey as if trying to memorise all of her face before he passes. He smiles because he can’t believe what he did, and that she’s alive and that she loves him as much as he does her. And while Rey is staring at Ben in pure bliss, there’s such an openness to her expression. She doesn’t have to search for the Ben hidden in kylo’s eyes. Ben is right before her.

Rey goes in with the kiss. It’s hesitant, but ben, forever her support system, meets it with enthusiasm as if to say ‘don’t be afraid, i feel it too’. this long embrace is so beautiful, especially because it comes after the literal marriage between Rey and ben.

Rey takes ben’s hand finally. She accepts his proposal. They are touching. They kiss. Their souls are literally together and joined for the first time since the hand touch scene. And it’s beautiful.

Ben Solo’s final smile is to Rey and then he lets go completely, passing. Rey still clutching the hand he proposed to her with. She’s obviously going to be distraught and grief stricken (despite the direction and writing leaving that out). But there must be a sense of ben within her now, something she might only recognise later on when her emotions aren’t so intense.

Obviously this ending has some Romeo and Juliet connotations that im not mad about.

DID I WANT BEN SOLO TO LIVE PHYSICALLY WITH REY AT THE END OF THIS MOVIE? yes HELL YES. And it’s a absolute tragedy that both are separate, without the companionship and family they both craved for throughout the whole trilogy.

...but jj didn’t tell that story. so let’s look at the one he did tell.

I believe that if Ben didn’t sacrifice himself, the cycle of darkness and trauma would have continued because he wouldn’t have fulfilled anakin’s last wish. he had to save Rey, the feminine which had been killed ever since Shmi. In the end both the masculine and feminine survive through Rey or through the dyad connection between the living and cosmic force.

Was ben’s fate sealed after he committed patricide? from a meta perspective? Possibly. The writers don’t know how to write redeemed characters having HEAs. BUT within the actual story? NOPE.

Ben was redeemed as soon as he killed Kylo. his sacrifice had nothing to do with redemption. it was just a pure love sacrifice.

Anyway the death of Ben Solo while tragic, means that all of the Skywalkers seem to be united in the cosmic force. All of them together finally. And in peace.

AGAIN, yes Ben Solo should have survived and had twins with Rey on Naboo, but this is what JJ decided to do instead.

Rey being a Skywalker...Hmmmm hated it at first. ABSOLUTELY HATED IT. But looking back at reylo in TROS and them basically being married at the end, means

Rey is a Skywalker. It’s nice that she’s honouring everything skywalkers stood for as well by taking the name- love. Also Palp was probably spinning in his grave that his only descendent is now a Skywalker lol.

Would Rey Solo be better? It would have been less cringe for sure and more fitting as it was the Solos Rey had her connections with, not really the Skywalkers. But Ben did end up accepting his light side skywalker background so... I personally would have preferred Rey Solo but i can just about live with Rey Skywalker if it’s through the marriage of Ben.

No one can convince me that the final shot of Rey standing alone on tatooine is satisfying. Maybe from a fan service angle, but for rey’s personal journey? HELL NO. But it is what it is. At least she still has that connection with Ben. Ben not being a force ghost at the end is a hopeful for reylos, including myself, he want him to come back physically so that Rey can have her HEA. Even if it’s off screen.

THANKS FOR READING IF YOUR STILL HERE. and if all this meta didn’t satisfy you, remember there’s always fanfiction x

[kaeyas-wifehusband]

Forever Connected: Part 2

(Writer’s Note: Hnnng it’s finally here. I know I said this a dozen times already, but thank you so much for being patient with me! Hope you enjoy the rest of the story and have a good day!)

Part 1

Summary: As the current Avatar, Aang is aware that he is spiritually tied to all the ones that came before him. After a horrifying experience, he begins to wonder just how deep connections can be and if some bonds were destined to be made. (This story is based on the Kummi/Taang theory so please go check that out if you haven’t yet.)

The following day was equally bright and warm as the previous. Toph sat at the edge of the bluff, her feet dangling. She fiddled with some grass in one hand while using the other to rest her head. Typically, she wasn’t the kind of person to worry. Being down-to-earth was one of her best qualities. Yet, yesterday’s events still weighed heavy on her mind. Aang had always been a bit unusual, at least to her. Being both an airbender and the avatar made it easy to understand why. His strongly contrasting personality occasionally caused issues between the two of them. At the same time, it drew them together. They balanced each other. 

“Er, hey.” 

“Son of a-” she gasped, harshly jolted out of her thoughts. “Ugh, Aang, don’t scare me like that. You nearly gave me a heart attack.”

He chuckled and plopped down beside her. “Heh, sorry ‘bout that. Have you been waiting long?”

“Mm, nah. I’ve only been here for like...half an hour? Forty-five minutes at most.”

“Aww, you mean you didn’t stay all night? And here I thought you loved me.” he said, his voice dripping with obvious faux disappointment.

He was rewarded with a playful punch on the shoulder. Following that was “Shut it, Twinkle Toes.” 

“Ow! Haha, okay, fine. Jeez.”

He rubbed his arm and for a moment, there was silence. It wasn’t anything like the day before, however, or like any other time for that matter. It felt awkward now; heavy. Part of him considered just forgetting the whole ordeal. It would be much easier to simply pretend that it never happened and that everything would be back to normal.  Although, she would never put up with that. All those years of her drilling it into him to be upfront, to say what was on his mind, left a lasting impact. He took in a deep breath and exhaled.

“Look, about yesterday..I didn’t mean to freak you out-”

“Aang, you scared me.” 

A pang of guilt flowed through him. “Er, right. I’m sorry about that. I’m also sorry for just flying off without explaining anything to you.”

“As you should be.”

“See, the thing is...I couldn’t bring myself to talk about it then because,” he scratched the back of his head. “I wasn’t exactly sure what was wrong, to be honest.” 

She raised a brow and flicked some grass on him. “Well, that sure makes a whole lotta sense.”

“But I did some meditating and, well, have you ever heard of Kuruk?”

“Wasn’t he, like, the avatar before Kyoshi or somethin’?”

“Yeah! He immediately followed Yangchen in the avatar timeline and originated from the Northern Water Tribe!”

Toph sighed and laid back on the greenery. “Well, thanks for the history lesson, I guess. But how does any of that relate to your little meltdown? “Okay, first of all, it wasn’t a meltdown. Second, I’ll get to that part. Try being patient,” He heard her mumble something incoherent, then chose not to acknowledge it. Patience wasn’t exactly her virtue and she loathed being told what to do. He cleared his throat and continued. “Kuruk was, uhh, not exactly a good avatar. Not like evil or anything. He just...didn’t do much. Yangchen was apparently so good at creating peace among the four nations that he assumed he didn’t have to carry out any of his avatar duties. He didn’t uplift the voices of the needy. He didn’t protect people from harm. He didn’t promote harmony. Nothing.”

“Sure sounds like a real loser, huh?” 

Aang crossed his legs and looked up towards the sky. “Yeah, that’s what I was thinking. Anyway, he fell in love with Ummi, a woman from the Southern Water Tribe. They spent a lot of time together. She meant everything to him and they later got married.”

“Oh, so THAT’S who you were yelling for yesterday.”

“I...I was?”

“Yep. Don’t ya remember?”

“Alright, there was a lot going on in that moment. So if I forget some details, I’m frankly fine with it.”

Toph shrugged. “Understandable.”

There was a long pause. Though Toph had her feet still hanging over the edge, she could sense a deep sadness within him.   Before she could say anything, however, he went on. 

“Then...something terrible happened,” he swallowed. “As some sort of twisted punishment for Kuruk’s inactiveness, Koh flat-out abducted Ummi on her wedding night and stole her face. Which ultimately...well-”

“Killed her?”

“Yeah.”

Neither of them spoke for a moment, allowing the heaviness of the story to set in. Toph wasn’t one to feel affected by such tragic tales. This was different though. Not only because it clearly had a strong impact on Aang, but also because it felt familiar. How that was so wasn’t exactly understandable to her; not yet that is. Some part of her was able to not just imagine what Ummi went through, but practically feel it as well. (Shock. Fear. Despair.) 

“And yesterday, when we were hanging out, I think I sort of...re-lived that experience,” He turned his head towards her. “Because when I looked at you, I didn’t see you. I mean I did, but not the you that I know. Instead, I saw Ummi. Faceless,” He bit his lip and averted his gaze. “Dead.” The last word weighed greatly and hung in the air. 

“Wait...what do you mean when you say that you saw me but not really?”

He sighed. “It’s kinda complicated. Like, I’ll tell you, but you have to swear you won’t think I’m weird.”

There was a snicker. “Too late for that, Twinkle Toes. But go on.”

“I think...as wild as it seems...you may be a reincarnation of Ummi.”

It was preposterous. That is, it should’ve been. An expected reaction would have involved a hardy laugh or perhaps a jab to the arm; a “Haha. Aren’t you funny? Now stop being dumb.” most likely following. This wasn’t what happened, though. Her lack of surprise almost concerned her. All she requested was an explanation.

And she received one.

So he told her about everything. He told her about seeing her in the magical swamp and that he initially believed she would be someone he would meet, yet perhaps he already did in another life. (“Time is an illusion and so is death.”) Then he spoke of the anxiety-ridden nightmare he had shortly before battling Ozai. In it, she was not like Katara or Sokka. Their demise was swift and intense. Hers wasn’t. She was not consumed by fire or earth. Rather, she was cold, faceless. (“We see visions of people we lost, people we’ve loved, folks we think are gone. They’re not.”) Aang told her how, like Kuruk, he was passive. What made it different is that it was a habit he kicked, thanks to her help. She gave him what he needed; what Kuruk needed many, many years ago. 

“But this probably sounds like a bunch of nonsense to you, doesn’t it?” he mumbled, eyes cast downward.

“No.”

“No?”

“Maybe a few years ago, if you told me all this, I would’ve not believed you.”

“And probably laugh at me.”

“Oh, I’d definitely laugh at you,” she said while stretching her arms and sitting up. “That was then, though. This is now. Since we met, things that I never thought could happen, happened. I’ve long since given up on the concept of impossible. You’ve opened me up to so many possibilities and plausibilities…and stop crying.” She reached over and tenderly swiped her thumb across his cheek. 

“Hey, it’s your fault.” Aang half-chuckled, half-sobbed. 

“Pfft, my apologies. Next time I’ll just tell you to shut up, deal?”

“Deal.”

He looked at her, the setting sun casting an ethereal glow on her being. Golden rays beamed upon her, upon the scenery. The gentle breeze carried the scent of sea salt. In this moment, everything was serene. His hand reached out to her face, connected. She leaned into the touch. (Safe. Secure. Found) Being intentional, careful, he softly pressed his lips against hers. (Home.)

“I love you.” he whispered as their mouths parted.

“Love ya, too, crybaby.”

[shibalen]

Hi! Can I get a Haikyuu and Demon Slyer matchup? I’m a bi light skinned hispanic girl, Infj sun Pisces and moon Aries, I really love Literature and Art but I hate gym and french. I love going all out on subjects that genuinely interest me but can get worn out very quickly if I don’t like something. I’m working hard to become and artist and when I’m older I want to create a graphic novel. I’d like dates on rooftops or at home pigging out on snacks and watching movies. Thank you! Have a good day!

♡︎ matchup for @mexicansangrita

hello! it's been a long wait but thank you for being so patient with me and also for liking my stuff! i appreciate your support, dear (人*´∀｀)｡*ﾟ+

|| kimetsu no yaiba: i match you with . . .

zenitsu agatsuma

• according to your mbti and zodiac sign, you're empathetic, inspiring, intuitive and somewhat of an old soul. your aries moon, in addition, gives you traits such as independence and ambition!

• Zenitsu's quite emotional and he needs someone to try understanding him instead of telling him to just 'deal with it' but still have a good enough head on their shoulder to scold him when he's being unreasonable.

• i feel like you two would be able to build off each other. you helping him have more confidence in himself and him being there as your emotional support, for example.

• he may be a wannabe flirt but when it comes down to it his loyalty for his loved ones runs deep. after meeting you, his womanizing antics gradually fade out of existance.

• you had just been minding your own business on the street, admiring some top-grade brushes from a shop window when this guy with a sword came up to you ??

• his first words to you? you've guessed it: 'marry me'. it's funny though because he didn't hysterically cling onto your leg but instead looked you straight in the eye and said it.

• of course, he went by your looks but also by the bright gleam in your eye as you were looking at those art supplies. you were so beautiful that Zenitsu was convinced you were an angel and it was love at first sight.

• then he cried when you turned him down. it wasn't the best first impression, and Tanjirō had to make him apologise to you.

• but he was set on getting to know you and tried a hundred different methods to get you to notice him. all those conversation topics, flowers and showing off may have come off as obnoxious but you knew from the beginning he had good intentions.

• he has some trouble understanding your personal space in the beginning because you're just too precious and he wants to hold you all the time, but comes around quickly when you say you need some alone time.

• always thinking of ways to make you happy. i'm not joking, you're on his mind 24/7. just wants to make you feel as loved as you're making him feel.

• you're going to get so many flowers because honestly each time he sees one he's reminded of you and immediately wants you to know he's thinking of you (❁ᴗ͈ˬᴗ͈)/♡

• when he's crying it never fails to cheer him up when you take his hand in yours or pet his hair. he'll melt under your touch.

• Zenitsu goes all out on your dates !! he's a romantic and will do anything to make sure your date is perfect.

• he'll gather blankets, snacks and pillows and bundle them up into a comfortable little nest on a rooftop.

• then you'll lay down next to each other and bask in the sun during the day or gaze at the stars at night. just long conversations and the two of you ♡︎

• he loves listening to you go all out on your favourite subjects. he'll have that silly, lovestruck smile on his face, chin rested in his hands as you talk.

• his great hearing makes it all the better because he can literally hear the passion in your voice. it sends his heart fluttering every time.

• so supportive and encouraging of your dreams, tries his hardest to help you any way he can. you gotta teach him a bit about literature and art first though so he'll know what you're telling him about.

• will be so smug about the stuff you taught him cause he feels so smart now. Tanjirō and Inosuke are getting a bit tired of his constant bragging.

• he understands your hate for training. plus, his two friends get so hyped up everytime it's hard to keep up with them. still, while Zenitsu insists on skipping, you make him go.

• gets 100% more motivated when he remembers he can protect you better if he's stronger. 110% if you promise cuddles and kisses later.

• you're like each others' support when you're pushing through tough assignments. like you cheer him on during training he encourages you through your artblocks.

• when there's time you go out together to buy new snacks in shops, especially after a draining mission. then you bring them back home and pig out.

• Inosuke, crashing through the door while you and Zen are feeding each other biscuits: i HeArD 'PiG oUt' WhAT'rE yA dOiN' wItHoUt Me?!

• all in all a very wholesome relationship ♡︎ Zenitsu knows one day he's going to ask you to marry him for real.

runner up: Kanae Kochō

⋆*･ﾟ:⋆*･ﾟ:⠀ *⋆.*:･ﾟ .: ⋆*･ﾟ: .⋆

|| haikyuu: i match you with . . .

yachi hitoka

• is this what you'd call soulmates? you and Yachi would definitely have a very depthful connection from the very beginning of your relationship. you'd understand each other on a deeper, almost spiritual level.

• you're both creative, always ready to help and have quite a vivid imagination. you help the other keep their feet on the ground while leaving them room to improve.

• the artistic couple! your common interest is a great icebreaker as well as something that brings you together. the starting point where you start building off from, if i can put it that way.

• it was the beginning of a new semester and you had Japanese literature together. you sat next to her by chance but you'd better believe she freaked out.

• "w-why is such a pretty girl sitting next to me??? does she need to borrow pencil?? what should i do if she mistook me for one of her friends?? AAAAHHH" Yachi exe. has stopped working.

• meanwhile you were just chilling until her stuttering started to worry you. so, you turned and asked if she was okay. girl dropped her whole pencilcase while looking for a pen to lend you.

• you calmed her down though so your first encounter ended well. you bonded over your mutual love for art and literature and formed a friendship quite fast.

• she accidentally confessed her crush on you when she was talking about you with Kiyoko in the gym. funny how you happened to overhear this from around the corner.

• startled, Yachi screamed and everybody came to see what happened. they automatically assumed you two were dating after hearing the story, and neither of you wanted to correct them in the long run, so . . . here we are :)

• always carries around delicious snacks for you in case you haven't eaten properly or are feeling drained from overworking.

• it's so easy to talk to Yachi about anything you have passion for. not only does she learn more about your interests but it also makes her feel special that you think of her as someone you can easily confide in.

• she can also endlessly talk about the things she loves so she's happy you understand what it's like!

• she tries to make you like french more because it pains her when she sees you getting tired out because of it (,,•́ . •̀,,)

• same with gym. she invites you to come see the boys practice after school, hoping you'll find something fun about moving that'll motivate you

• of course, understands if you still dislike the subjects and will focus on making you feel better.

• very shy with physical display of affection at first, still a bit afraid someone will stab her if they see her being even slightly intimate with an actual goddess like you.

• i know you didn't include this in your preferences, but can I just say study dates at cafés? soft music playing in the background as you two sit next to a window, making pretty notes and sharing cake? yes.

• she gives you good luck charms for tests! though you studied for hours beforehand she wants to do everything she can so you're feeling as relaxed as possible. she doesn't want you to experience any stomach aches from anxiety like she has.

• Yachi has surprisingly good ideas for graphic novels. well, the graphic parts. she gets all blushy when you start discussing plot because then she automatically connects all the romantic storylines with you.

• "so in this rainy scene i was thinking they could have a more intimate moment, maybe even kiss. what do you think?"

• Yachi, who has kissed you before, internally: k i s s i n g y / n kissing y/n KISSING Y/N I N T H E R A I N ᗒ////ᗕ

• sometimes these conversations can drag out as she tends to accidentally get stuck in her little fantasy world, oops—

• hand holding though is common while you're doing every-day activities like reading or walking. but also during dates like movies or rooftop lunches. her hands are very small and warm and the way they fit in yours is perfect ♡︎

• an extremely cute, loyal relationship, one where you can laugh over the smallest, silliest things but also share the most meaningful debates. you bring out the best in her, and Yachi won't fail to make it up to you !

runner up: Kōshi Sugawara

found such soft gifs for this matchup, i'm so happy~ i hope you enjoyed this, and thank you for requesting. stay safe and remember to be kind to yourself ♡︎

[ashtray-girl]

By Grand Central Station I Sat Down And Wept and its role in Morrissey’s lyricism

PLOT This is a short prose poetry novel in which author Elizabeth Smart recounts her love affair with married poet George Barker (even though she began writing it years before they met). Said affair lasted 18 years and she bore 4 of his 15 children, whom he had from several different women.

The novel is divided in 10 parts, so I’ll proceed by summing up each one of them while also highlighting the parts which I think are relevant to the Morrissey discourse.

DISCLAIMER: even though there isn’t much of a plot to spoil (the focus is placed almost entirely on the narrator’s feelings and in the way they’re expressed), I am gonna quote extensively from every chapter so keep that in mind if you intend to read the book for yourself.

PART I The protagonist is waiting at the bust station for the man she loves to collect her (she never names him btw) but when he finally comes he’s with his wife and it’s her that the protagonist sees first.

“But then it is her eyes that come forward out of the vulgar disembarkers to reassure me that the bus has not disgorged disaster: her madonna eyes, soft as the newly-born, trusting as the untempted. And, for a moment, at that gaze, I am happy to forego my future, and postpone indefinitely the miracle hanging fire. […] Behind her he for whom I have waited for so long, who has stalked so unbearably through my nightly dreams.”

It’s interesting to note the way she talks about her. Even though she’s wildly in love with this man, she never badmouths her. On the contrary, throughout the story she seems to have a good opinion of her.

“I see she can walk across the leering world and suffer injury only from the ones she loves. But I love her and her silence is propaganda for sainthood.”

You know what all of this reminds me of? The time Angie collected Morrissey at the station to take him to Johnny’s house, a few days after Johnny had knocked on Morrissey’s door and they’d talked about forming a band. Did he expect it would be Johnny who’d come and pick him up? Did he know he had a girlfriend?

“So we drive along the Californian coast singing together, and I entirely renounce him for only her peace of mind.”

I don’t know if the narrator shares Morrissey’s fascination with cars (I don’t even think the two things are necessarily related), but it’s worth pointing out how some of the most important and dramatic scenes of the book happen in a car.

“Why do I not jump off this cliff where I lie sickened by the moon? I know these days are offering me only murder for my future. It is not just the creeping fingers of the cold that dissuade me from action, and allow me to accept the hypocritical hope that there may be some solution. Like Macbeth, I keep remembering that I am their host. So it’s tomorrow’s breakfast rather than the future’s blood that dictates fatal forbearance. Nature, perpetual whore, distracts with the immediate.”

Look at this entire paragraph and tell me it isn’t the most Morrissey thing you’ve ever read. Also, does any part of it sound familiar? Well, let’s look at the lyrics for Shakespeare’s Sister:

Young bones groan, and the rocks below say “Throw your skinny body down, son"

But I'm going to meet the one I love So please don't stand in my way Because I'm going to meet the one I love No, mama, let me go

Young bones groan and the rocks below say "Throw your white body down"

But I'm going to meet the one I love At last, at last, at last! I'm going to meet the one I love

Then the protagonist gets to the couple’s house and her sudden proximity to the man she loves brings the feelings she’s been trying to repress right back to the surface:

“The Beginning lurks uncomfortably on the outskirts of the circle, like an unpopular person whom ignoring can keep away. The very silence, the very avoiding of any intimacy between us, when he, when he was only a word, was able to cause me sleepless nights and shivers of intimation, is the more dangerous. Our seeming detachment gathers strength. I sit back impersonally and say, I see human vanity, or feel myself full of gladness because there is a gentleness between him and her, or even feel irritation because he lets her do too much of the work, sits lolling whilst she chops wood for the stove.”

There’s an unmistakable feeling of impeding doom, as if she knows that even though nothing physical has happened between them yet, she’s sealed her own deal just by being there with him and it’s only a matter of time before the inevitable strikes.

“While we drive along the road in the evening, talking as impersonally as a radio discussion, he tells me: ‘A boy with green eyes and long lashes, whom I had never seen before, took me into the back of a printshop and made love to me, and for two weeks I went around remembering the numbers on bus conductors’ hats.’ ‘One should love beings whatever their sex’, I reply, but withdraw into the dark with my obstreperous shape of shame, offended with my own flesh which cannot metamorphose into a printshop boy with armpits like chalices.”

So there you have it: Meaningful Car Scene n°1. He confesses he had a homosexual experience (and he enjoyed it, or so it seems) and she’s jealous but not outraged or disgusted, which is quite a big deal if you think this book was first published in 1945. (It’s also worth noting that, in her later years, Elizabeth Smart had affairs with both men and women). Another thing I noticed as I was writing this is that sentence, “remembering the numbers on bus conductors’ hats”, which reminded me of that line in Phoney:

Who can make Hitler Seem like a bus conductor? You do, oh Phoney you do

It’s probably just a coincidence, but I found it funny nonetheless.

“He kissed my forehead driving along the coast in the evening, and now, wherever I go, like the sword of Damocles, that greater never-to-be-given kiss hangs above my doomed head. He took my hand between the two shabby front seats of the Ford, and it was dark, and I was looking the other way, but now that hand casts everywhere an octopus shadow from which I can never escape. The tremendous gentleness of that moment smothers me under; […] I stand on the edge of the cliff, but the future is already done.”

Meaningful Car Scene n°2. There’s a first attempt at physical contact and by now he seems to have realised she has feelings for him, so he’s trying to see how far he can push himself with her.

Now, I’m just gonna go ahead and say it: I feel like something very similar to this may have happened between Johnny and Morrissey. The reason why I decided to write this analysis is because, once I read the book, I fully realised the pervasiveness of its influence in many of the lyrics Morrissey wrote while he was in The Smiths (especially during the Meat Is Murder era) and in the first years of his solo career but, as much as people talked about it, I feel like they never went deep enough. The way I see it, Morrissey had every reason to relate to the protagonist, even though she’s a woman. Someone who falls deeply in love with a married man (with bisexual tendencies, it seems) and is quite concerned with the ethics of what she’s doing but at the same time is very certain of her feelings for him. The man, on the other hand, seems to have a much more ambiguous attitude, accepting her love but also wanting to keep a respectable façade by staying with his wife. If we assume that Morrissey did harbour romantic feelings for Johnny, it’s easy to see why he would choose this book as a way to sublimate them, especially if we consider how the queer factor would’ve made them even less acceptable in the eyes of society.

But going back to the book… what about the man’s wife?

“By day she obeys the voice of love as the stricken obey their god, and she walks with the light step of hope which only the naive and the saints know. […] He also is bent towards her in an attitude of solicitude. Can he hear his own heart while he listens for the tenderness of her sensibilities? Is there a way at all to avoid offending the lamb of god?”

As I said before, she doesn’t seem to be especially jealous of his wife, but that may be because at the moment she’s high on the secret attentions her husband is giving her, so it’s easy for her to feel sorry for this other woman who’s being cheated on right under her own roof.

I can’t help but think about how Morrissey and Angie had their own relationship and seemed to be quite close. I mean, that must have been a bit of a weird dynamic (for Moz at least), and I wonder how they worked it out.

“I never was in love with death before, nor felt grateful because the rocks below could promise certain death. But now the idea of dying violently becomes an act wrapped in attractive melancholy, and displayed with every blandishment. For there is no beauty in denying love, except perhaps by death, and towards love what way is there? To deny love, and deceive it meanly by pretending that what is unconsummated remains eternal, or that love sublimated reaches highest to heavenly love, is repulsive, as the hypocrite’s face is repulsive when placed too near the truth. […] I might be better fooled, but can I see the light of a match while burning in the arms of the sun?”

There’s another reference to dying by throwing herself off a cliff, but the really interesting part is what comes after. The narrator rejects the idea that spiritual love is the highest form of love, which is achieved by embracing its physical side instead. It’s not enough for her to have a platonic bond with the man she loves because she wants him in mind, body and soul.

While reading this, I couldn’t help but draw some parallels:

- “Dying violently becomes an act wrapped in attractive melancholy.” → “To die by your side is such a heavenly way to die.” - “Can I see the light of a match while burning in the arms of the sun?” → “There is a light and it never goes out.”

And then, opening the penultimate paragraph of this first chapter:

“I have learned to smoke because I need something to hold on to. I dare not be without a cigarette in my hand.”

This is one of the most obvious one. If we look at the lyrics for What She Said (which is based almost entirely on this book), it’s pretty self-explanatory:

What she said: ‘I smoke ‘cause I’m hoping for a nearly death And I need to cling to something.’

PART II This part is mainly about the remorse the protagonist is feeling towards the man’s wife, who has now realised something happened between the two of them.

“Her eyes pierced all the veils that protected my imagination against ruinous knowledge. […] Is there no other channel of my deliverance except by her martyrdom?”

It’s quite interesting to note how the chapter opens with:

“God, come down […] and tell me who will drown in so much blood.”

And then, on the next page:

“I am blind, but blood, not love, blinded my eye. Love lifted the weapon but guided my crime.”

Both of these lines reminded me of the lyrics for Yes, I Am Blind:

Yes, I am blind No, I can't see The good things Just the bad things, oh...

Yes, I am blind No, I can't see There must be something Horribly wrong with me?

God, come down If you're really there Well, you're the one who claims to care

It then goes on:

“… she whom I have injured, and whose agony it is my penalty to watch, lies gasping, but still living, on the land.”

- “Gasping, but still living.” → “Gasping, but somehow still alive.” (Well I Wonder)

PART III The narrator spends most of this chapter gushing about how in love she is with this man, who in the meantime has followed her back home to spend some time with her (though it’s not clear whether he has left his wife for her or not.)

“Even the precise geometry of his hand, when I gaze at it, dissolves me into water and I flow away in a flood of love.”

(I have nothing to say about this line except that I like it and that I can’t help but imagine Morrissey staring at Johnny’s hands as he picks the chords of his guitar, thinking these exact same thoughts.)

“When the Ford rattles up to the door, five minutes (five years) late, and he walks across the lawn under the pepper-trees, I stand behind the gauze curtains, unable to move to meet him, or to speak, as I turn to liquid to invade his every orifice when he opens the door.”

Yet another reference to his car. Also yeah, you’re wet for him, we get it.

“And there is so much for me, I am suddenly so rich, and I have done nothing to deserve it, to be so overloaded. All after such a desert. All after I had learnt to say, I am nothing, and I deserve nothing. […] It has happened, the miracle has arrived, everything begins today, […] all the paraphernalia of existence, all my sad companions of these last twenty years, […] all the world solicits me with joy, leaps at me electrically, claiming its birth at last.”

I can’t help but think about how similarly Morrissey must have felt after Johnny knocked on his door, after having spent his last twenty years in much the same way the narrator had, feeling lonely and isolated.

I mean, he even said so himself:

“He appeared at a time when I was deeper than the depths, if you like. And he provided me with this massive energy boost. I could feel Johnny’s energy just seething inside of me.”

“I was there, dying, and he rescued me.”

The chapter ends with this sentence:

“Set me as a seal upon thine heart, as a seal upon thine arm, for love is strong as death.”

Which kinda reminds me of that part in Rusholme Ruffians:

So scratch my name on your arm with a fountain pen (This means you really love me)

PART IV This is, in my opinion, the book’s most interesting chapter. What happens is, they get stopped as they’re crossing the Arizona border and once the cops realise they’re together but not married to each other, the take them to the police station, interrogate them for several hours about the nature of their relationship and then make them leave separately.

Once again, one of the most dramatic scenes takes place in a car.

I fully believe that Morrissey wrote both The Boy With The Thorn In His Side and later Late Night, Maudlin Street with this entire part in mind.

“They are taking me away in a police car […] They are prosecuting me for silence and for love […] They drove me away in a police car. […] For too much love, only for too much love. […] Are you not convinced, inspector? Do you not believe in love?”→ “They took you away in a police car / Inspector – don’t you know? Don’t you care? Don’t you know – about love?” (Late Night, Maudlin Street)

“They intercepted our love because of what was in our eyes. […] Did they see such flagrant proof and still not believe?” → “How can they see the love in our eyes and still they don’t believe us?” (The Boy With The Thorn In His Side)

I wonder who “they” were, though. I mean, we know that in the book, when she says: “They are prosecuting me for silence and for love” she clearly means the authorities, but what did Morrissey mean? Were “they” those same “people who are weaker/uglier than you and I” and those “evil people (who) prosper over the likes of you and me always”? And did he have some specific names in mind, or did he just mean society in general? As in: “They (the general public / the media / the music industry) can’t (don’t want to?) see we love each other because they’re not ready to accept that idea yet, but they’re more than happy to profit from us and our art, which is only made possible BECAUSE of that love.”

The penultimate paragraph before the end of the chapter feels especially relevant:

“All our wishes were private, we desired no more scope than ourselves. Could we corrupt the young by gazing into each other’s eyes? Would they leave their offices? Would big business suffer?”

PART V The protagonist comes back home feeling sorry for herself. Her family doesn’t approve of her relationship with a married man, but she refuses to apologise and spends most of her time contemplating nature and reminiscing about what happened.

Another quote which Morrissey probably used as inspiration for Late Night…

“Every yellow or scarlet leaf hangs like a flag waving me on.” → “Every hag waves me on / Secretly wishing me gone.”

PART VI The protagonist has an argument with her father, who’s worried about her state. Her mother doesn’t want to have anything to do with her anymore and even her brother is sceptical about the whole situation. She then reminisces about leaving Ottawa with him (she’s Canadian) and she talks at length about how they’re meant to be together no matter what. She also finds out she’s pregnant.

At the start, she mentions neighbours who warn her to stay away from him:

“The well-meaning matrons who, from their insulated living say, ‘My dear, I think you would would regret it afterwards if you broke up a marriage,’ ‘When you felt it about to happen the right thing would have been to have gone away at once.”

I wonder how many people around The Smiths were aware of Morrissey being in love with Johnny (because at this point, no one can convince me he wasn’t) and, if they were, how much did they know? Did they ever talked to him about it? Did they warn him about being cautious, about not revealing too much of his own feelings in his songs? And did they mention how bad it would look for him if he broke up a couple?

“The policeman grows fatter each day and rivals the new tanks. He blots out the doorway of the little café. A couple seeing him spills the milk at the counter, remembering what they did under the bridge last night. But the policeman is blind. He strikes only when he hears a loud noise. There are others, though, who have eyes like shifty hawks, and they prowl the streets searching for a face whereon an illegal kiss might be forming. No, there is no defence for love, and tears will only increase the crime.”

Here she’s talking about how, while in the midst of a war (the book is set in the 40s), the police (and society in general) seem to be concerned with futile things like arresting people who are doing nothing but love each other and it reminds me of a quote from Morrissey’s Autobiography:

“Men were draped with medals for killing other men yet imprisoned for loving one another.”

Later on, she makes a point of proclaiming herself ready to take their relationship as it is, without expecting much of a future.

“Though this is all there is […] I accept it without tomorrows and without any lilies of promise. It is enough, the now, and though it comes without anything, it gives me everything. […] But as long as the accessories are such now as to make me over-armed with weapons to combat the antagonistic world, even if a thousand programs go wrong, I won’t lament that past I was when I could see no future.”

She then tries to dissipate any doubts he might have about their relationship (because it looks as if he’s already starting to second-guess himself) by repeatedly reassuring him that she’s the one for him and that, as much as he tries, he can’t escape that fact.

“Remember I am not temptation to you, but everything is which inclines you away. Nor are you to me, but my entire goal. Sometimes you see this as clearly as I do now, for you say, ‘Do you think if I didn’t I could have…?’”.

I wonder… if Johnny hadn’t already been with Angie when he knocked on Morrissey’s door, would things have panned out differently for them? Would they have dared to take their relationship to the next level in spite of society’s backlash?

“Do you see me then as the too-successful one, like a colossus whose smug thighs rise obliviously out of sorrow? Or as the detestable all-female, who grabs and devours, invulnerable with greed? Alas, these are your sins, your garments of shame, and not the blond-sapling boys with blue eye-shadow leaning amorously towards you in the printshop.”

Leaving aside the fact that this man is garbage, she’s obviously anxious to reassure him that it’s not his bisexuality that saddens her, but the fact that he sees her as a threat.

Also that line, “grabs and devours”, will then be used by Morrissey in The Headmaster Ritual:

He grabs and devours He kicks me in the showers Kicks me in the showers And he grabs and devours

By the end of the chapter though, her words of comfort are starting to sound ominous:

“Only remember: I am not the ease, but the end. I am not to blind you but to find you. What you think is the sirens singing to lure you to your doom is only the voice of the inevitable, welcoming you after so long a wait. I was made only for you.”

PART VII The man has a breakdown and he’s interned in a psych facility. She tries to go and see him, but his wife is already there. He’d previously written her a letter, asking her to take him back. The protagonist leaves and when she comes back a few days later they leave together, but when she tries to confront him about the letter he refuses to listen to her. They have a fight and she ends up capitulating because he’s still ill and she wants to believe him when he tells her she’s the only one.

“My love, why did you leave me on Lexington Avenue in the Ford that had no breaks?” This line reminds me a bit of Break Up The Family, when Morrissey says:

Hailstones, driven home In a car – no breaks? I don’t mind

Which coincidentally is what’s happening in this chapter: the honeymoon phase is clearly over, he’s having troubles with his guilty conscience and he deals with them by distancing himself from her, even though she’s expecting his child.

PART VIII He and his wife move to London where the war is raging and, after a while, the protagonist follows them. She stays in a dingy hotel and he occasionally visits her to have sex with her, but by now it’s clear that he has no intention of leaving his wife for her, so they often fight and every day she’s getting more and more desperate and isolated.

The chapter opens with the line:

“His brother and his mother and his grandmother lie abandoned in death on the stones of the London Underground.”

This vaguely reminds me once again of Late Night…

You gran died And you mother died On Maudlin Street In pain and ashamed With never time to say Those special things

“Bombs are bigger, but the human brains they burst remain the same. It is the faces we once kissed that are being smashed in the English coastal towns, the hand we shook that are swept up with the debris […] and love still uproots the heart better than an imagined landmine.”

This paragraph makes me think of Ask:

Because if it’s not love Then it’s the bomb, the bomb, the bomb, the bomb The bomb, the bomb That will bring us together

In the meantime, their relationship is going sour and the protagonist feels they’re reaching a breaking point.

“When the ship cracks in the typhoon, we cover our heads and tell ourselves that all will resolve back to normal. But we are unbelieving. This time may not be like the other times that with time grew into cheerful anecdotes. […] O where does he stalk like a horse in pastures very far afield? I cannot hear him, and silence writes more terrible things than he can ever deny. Is there a suspicion the battle is lost? Certainly he killed me fourteen nights in succession.”

I can’t help but think about how Morrissey must have felt when Johnny told him he wanted to leave The Smiths. People around him (Stephen Street, Grant Showbiz) thought he was going to kill himself and the fact that Johnny then went on holiday and never made contact with him must have alarmed him even more. He’d first thought the situation could be repaired, but by then he must’ve realised the end was upon them.

“He did the one sin which Love will not allow. […] He did sin against Love, and though he says it was in Pity’s name, and that Pity was only fighting a losing battle with Love, he was useless to Pity, and in wavering, injured Love, which was, after all, what he staked all for, all he had, ungamblable.”

From what I gather, he went back to his wife because he felt sorry for her and the protagonist can’t accept that because in her eyes their love was everything that mattered and everything they had.

Now: as I said before, I think Morrissey was inspired by this book because he saw himself in it. I think he must’ve found many similarities between the protagonist’s situation and his own, both of them in love with a married man who doesn’t seem to know what to do with himself. Johnny and Angie split for a brief period in 1983, when The Smiths went on their first USA tour, and I’ve seen a few people speculate that if something physical happened between Morrissey and Johnny, it may very well have happened then. Morrissey may have taken advantage of the fact that Johnny was free and overcame his fears by making the first move. Or maybe, Johnny was the one who, once aware of Morrissey’s feelings for him, decided to take the bull by its horns. I don’t know. Nobody does. What I wonder is… once Johnny went back to Angie, how did Morrissey feel? Because I don’t think he was all that thrilled. Did he think he did it out of pity, like the protagonist of the book did? If something had happened between them on that tour, did he feel used? Did he feel mildly outraged? Did he resign himself to consider it a one-night stand and nothing more, even though his feelings for Johnny clearly went deeper than that? It’s also worth noticing how the references to this book start to spring up in his lyrics from Meat Is Murder onwards, that is, after that tour in 1983.

“How can I put love up to my hopes so suicidal and wild-eyed when the matter is too simple and too plain: it is her tears he feels trickling over his breast each night; it is for her he feels the concern; and the pity, after all, not the love, fills his twenty-four hours. Perhaps I am his hope. But then she is his present. And if then she is his present, I am not his present. Therefore, I am not, and I wonder why no one has noticed I am dead and taken the trouble to bury me. […] For even if he loves me, he is in her arms. O the fact, the unalterable fact: it is she he is with: he is with her: he is not with me because he is sleeping with her.”

For me, this might be the most heartbreaking part of the book. The protagonist knows that no matter what she tells herself, when he’s done with her he comes home to his wife while she’s stuck in a hotel room in a country which is not her own.

That line, “I wonder why no one has noticed I am dead and taken the trouble to bury me”, also crops up right at the beginning of What She Said:

What she said: “How come someone hasn’t noticed that I’m dead And decided to bury me? God knows, I’m ready!”

Which makes me think Morrissey must have somehow related to this part. “He loves me, but he’s still with her.” “He has martyred me, but for no cause, nor has he any idea of the size and consequence of my wounds. Perhaps he will never know, for to say, You killed me daily and O most especially nightly, would imply blame. I do not blame, nor even say, You might have done this or this rather than that. I even say, You must do that, you have to do it, there is no alternative, urging my own murder. […] If ever again he lets those nights happen, or dallies with remorse for past sins to others while sinning most dangerously against me, I shall be unrevivable. I shall, whether I want to or not, be struck dead with the fact. And he may clothe it in all humanity’s most melting colours, and pity, and sympathy, and call on love to be kind, and I too shall pray, Let me be kind, but it will be no good.”

This entire thing reinforces my first thought, which is: Morrissey and Johnny at one point had a one-night stand (“It was a good lay, good lay...”), except for Morrissey there were much stronger feelings attached to it.

As hurt as she is, the protagonist doesn’t blame the man for going back to his wife and she even encourages him, because she recognises that, at the end of the day, it’s the best course of action for everyone involved. What she wishes wouldn’t happen again are those nights, coupled with him badmouthing her to others out of remorse for his own actions.

If we once again consider the queer factor in the relationship between Morrissey and Johnny, it wouldn’t surprise me if Morrissey followed the same reasoning when Johnny went back to Angie because, as much as Morrissey loved him, he wouldn’t be able to give him the stability of a straight relationship. (That isn’t to say Johnny didn’t love Angie, btw. I’m sure he loved her deeply and he still does, but I also think at the time some internal conflict was present because, on some level, he reciprocated Morrissey’s feelings.)

That last line, “… and call on love to be kind, and I too shall pray, Let me be kind” reminds me of I Know It’s Over:

It takes strength to be gentle and kind

This can be applied to many situations, but I feel like it becomes especially relevant in the context of the love of your life leaving you for someone else, who you also care about.

PART IX The protagonist goes back home to Canada and has to face the invasive questioning of neighbours who see her with a big belly but no wedding ring. After a while though, she realises she must see the man she loves and so she leaves to meet him once again.

“I am lonely. I cannot be a female saint. I want the one I want. He is the one I picked out from the world. I picked him out in cold deliberation. But the passion was not cold. It kindled me. It kindled the world. Love, love, give my heart ease, put your arms round me, give my heart ease. Feel the little bastard.”

- “I want the one I want.” → “I want the one I can’t have.” - “Put your arms round me.” → “All I ask of you is one thing that you never do / Would you put your arms around me? (I won’t tell anyone).” (Tomorrow)

PART X The final chapter opens with the line that gave the book its title: “By Grand Central Station I sat down and wept.” He didn’t come to collect her, so she has a breakdown right in the middle of the station. The ending is kind of confusing. It looks as if she resigns herself to go back to him just to have sex with him, and she tries to convince herself everything is fine, but it clearly isn’t.

Elizabeth Smart went back to George Barker time and time again, even though their relationship was dysfunctional to say the least and they were both very damaged, egotistical individuals. He cheated on her repeatedly but she loved him nonetheless, so I guess it would make sense for the book to end like this as well.

“They obey the glint in the middle of my glazed eye, for it is the fierce last stand of all I have.” → “Gasping - but somehow still alive / This is the fierce last stand of all I am.” (Well I Wonder)

“I wanted only one thing. I gave you the full instructions. The name, I spelt it out in letters as long as a continent, even the address, the address that makes waterfalls of my blood because it is also her address. I said quite plainly and loudly: This is what I want. I want this, and I don’t want any bonus. Just give me this and I’ll pay any price you ask. I made no reservations. You took advantage of this. I never grudged. But, Sir, so what I plead is just – what are you stalling for? There is no more to give.”

This entire paragraph reminds me of Please, Please, Please Let Me Get What I Want.

“He hangs, damp with his impotent tears, nailed by one hand to Love and by the other one to Pity.”

This man is split between love and duty and can’t seem to be able to make a decision, with everyone suffering as a consequence, including him. That’s what the protagonist sees. What I see is a man who likes to have his ego stroked and doesn’t mind a bit of drama. It’s not that he’s unable to make a decision, he just doesn’t want to.

“Is it possible he cannot hear me when he lies so close, so lightly asleep? […] My dear, my darling, do you hear me when you sleep?”

These parts were clearly used by Morrissey as inspiration for the lyrics of Well I Wonder (which, like What She Said, was based almost entirely on this book – I even think they were written back to back.)

Well I wonder Do you hear me when you sleep?

“This is the very room he chose instead of Love. Let it be quiet and full of healing. […] It is the cursed comfort he preferred to my breast. The one who shares it weeps silently in corners, is tender unnoticed, and makes his necessary tea. ‘Have you seen my notebook, dear?’ ‘It is under the desk, my sweet.’ Give it to him, O my gentle usurper, whom I also have usurped, my enemy whom I have both killed and been killed by. […] He also is drowning in the blood of too much sacrifice. Lay aside the weapons, love, for all battles are lost.”

At last he’s made his choice and if we’ve learned something from history it’s that a man’s comfort will always be more important than a woman’s safety and peace of mind.

FINAL COMMENTS As I said before, one of the reasons I think Morrissey was inspired by this book is that he found its story to be relatable, but it’s not just that. The language, as you may have noticed by reading some of its quotes, is quite poetic, abstract and melodramatic, with a major focus on introspection and an underlying sense of pervasive melancholy. This is an artistic quality that both Morrissey and Johnny had in common, even though they expressed it differently: one through his lyrics, the other through his sound. Ultimately, I think Morrissey found By Grand Central Station… very useful creatively and personally. Creatively because it gave him the inspiration to write some of his best songs (also, here’s a reminder that both Moz and Johnny declared Well I Wonder as one of their favourite Smiths’ songs at some point), and personally because it provided him with an outlet to confront his feelings for Johnny, which I think must have been quite tumultuous. With a shortage of LGBT media which was even more prevalent in the 80s, queer people often had to read between the lines of straight stories to find something to relate to, and I feel like that’s what Morrissey did. Personally, after reading it I found myself surprised by the superficiality with which most people (biographers, reviewers etc.) talked about its role in Morrissey’s lyrics, because clearly there’s so much more to it than stealing a line here and there. It’s also about him feeling invested in a story because it spoke to him and it represented him, at least partially, in an era when anyone who didn’t fit in with society’s standards of what it meant to be a man or a woman might as well not have existed at all.

[hasansonsuzceliktas]

Spiritual Movies that Nourish Your Soul

One night in 2003, while channel hopping on TV, I came across a movie named Interstate 60. I read the summary and it looked appealing. The movie then started, and after I finished watching it, I watched it again. (That channel had a repeat function.) My mind was blown, my smile was wide, and I felt great. I had never watched anything like it before. That’s when my interest in spiritual movies began. Four years passed and then The Secret came along. It was also mind blowing for its time. Although it has its controversial aspects now, it was a revolution in spiritual documentaries. Oh, there was also What the #$*! Do We Know?, but it takes my interest only after The Secret. Afterwards, I became deeply interested in spiritual movies and watched many of them. I made recommendation lists for my followers in Turkey, and now I want to share them with you. I don’t want to give details about the movies, though, because you can look them up on IMDb or whatever. I want to instead share the reasons for why I recommend these particular movies. First let me be clear about one thing, though. What is a spiritual movie? Everything is spiritual. The life we live is spiritual, because everything comes out of the spirit. If we looked at it from this perspective, there is a vast number of spiritual movies. You can see the spirit in many such movies. For me, though, a spiritual movie is one that expands your view, your perceptions, your world, and your being. After finishing one, you do not feel like you are the same person that you were two hours ago. It has touched your soul and made you think and feel deeply. Some of them even blow your mind. Such movies have similar effects on others too. That is what I call a spiritual movie, so I selected movies based on that criterion.

Classic Spiritual Movies

These are the ones where I could say, “Haven’t you watched it yet? How can you call yourself spiritual?”

The Matrix You may well say, “Oh, come on! Starting with The Matrix? We’ve all watched it a million times. Give us something new!” Yes, I know. I also said it many times while checking the spiritual must-see lists of others. But last week, I watched the whole trilogy again because I wanted to find clues about “the loop.” By this, I mean the loop in our minds, which we may call dharma. I was thinking deeply about how I could get my mind out of the worldly plane. I then started to watch the trilogy and realized that The Matrix is about the trinity of mind, body, and soul. The machines could not understand love and therefore the soul, so the movie gives the message that the best way to get out of the worldly plane is through love.

Celestine Prophecy James Redfield’s novel was one of the first books I read in my spiritual awakening days. It is still marvelous, but the movie could have been better I think.

Peaceful Warrior Dan Millman’s marvelous book was adapted into a great movie. It touched many people’s souls, as I have witnessed many times. You have to read the book after watching the movie, though. The book has much more, as you can no doubt imagine.

Conversations with God We all love Neale Donald Walsch, author of the Conversations with God series, and this movie is about his life. It is a good movie.

Interstate 60 For me, this is the best spiritual movie of all time. In my mind, it’s a timeless classic. Yet when I checked other people’s lists on the web, I didn’t find this movie in many of them. It may well be that you still haven’t watched it yet. If not, prepare yourself for a spiritual feast. Even after watching it 30 times, like I have, you can still find many messages. Believe me when I say you can watch it many times over without ever getting bored of it.

What the #$*! Do We Know? This early spiritual documentary was labeled as talking heads (i.e., many experts coming together and talking about something). Quantum physics meets with spirituality and good drama in what is still a must-see documentary.

The Secret Ah! The Secret. We can still argue that it represents the law of attraction, but it is still a great documentary. It gave rise to the term “secret-like” when describing spiritual documentaries. Nowadays, when you mention The Secret, many people deride it, but it has still a special place in my heart.

Fight Club “The first rule of fight club is you do not talk about fight club.” Okay, I won’t, but I had to put it on the list.

Avatar If I feel like an avatar living on Earth, being controlled by someone’s conscious in another place, it is because of this great movie. I had to watch it again.

Groundhog Day A funny, classic movie about being stuck in a time loop. No doubt you have seen it already.

Baraka – Samsara Movies without words but with many deep meanings. Many years of work went into Ron Fricke’s movies, which are not just spiritual classics but also works of art.  

Lesser-Known Movies

These great movies are adored by many, but maybe you haven’t heard of some of them

Nossolar Do you want to know how the afterlife is? Based on the channelings of Chico Xavier, Nossolar is a great Brazilian movie about the afterlife.  

Bab’aziz This is the most beautiful movie about Sufism ever made. Nacer Khemir’s work is outstanding, and you can feel this great movie fill your soul. The soundtrack is also magnificent.  

Chaotica Ana This is one of the best movies about reincarnation and the goddess. Ana, a Spanish art student, meets Said in Madrid and they fall in love. After Said disappears, Ana starts to undertake hypnotherapy and finds out she has lived many past lives. You can find out the rest in the movie…  

The Man from Earth This very beautiful classic movie starts with a boring discussion between six university professors and turns into a great dialogue when one of them confesses that he is 14,000 years old. Still not watched it yet?  

Spring, Summer, Fall, Winter, and Spring You cannot forget this movie, even after many years. Korean director Kim Ki-Duk uses the symbolism of the passing seasons to tell this story of a young Buddhist monk’s evolution from innocence to love, evil to enlightenment, and ultimately to rebirth. Please watch it in HD on a big screen please. It is a Buddhist poem conveyed through cinema.  

Powder IMDb describes it as follows: “An off-the-charts genius who is home schooled and shunned after his last relative dies shows the unconscious residents of his town about connection awareness and the generosity of the spirit.” It’s the story of an albino boy with psychic powers. It is a classic, and I will never forget the scene with the hunter and deer.  

Defending Your Life This movie is also about the afterlife, but its story is told in a much funnier way. It is about love, karma, and rebirth. You will remember this movie from the scenes of a Japanese restaurant in Heaven.  

Serendipity A romantic movie about love and coincidence starring John Cusack and Kate Beckinsale.  

Sliding Doors Just one door staying open can change your life in this Gwyneth Paltrow classic.  

Little-Known Movies

If you’re saying, “Come on, we all know these movies. Give us something new!” Okay, here you go.

Valley of Flowers IMDBsays, “A great Asian love story, an unforgettable tale about passion, death and reincarnation. A mesmerizing Himalayan epic that spans two centuries, from the Silk Route of the early 19th century to the bustling metropolis of modern-day Tokyo.” It’s the most passionate story about soulmates ever made, and the love of Jalan and Ushna will take your breath away.

Looking for Muhyiddin A man (played by filmmaker Nacer Khemir, who also directed Bab’aziz) returns home to Tunisia to bury his mother. Following the burial, his father gives him an amana to take to a Sheikh named Muhyiddin. The man immediately sets out on an epic journey to find the long-lost Sheikh and deliver the amana to him. Throughout his journey, he is guided by a mysterious spiritual master and many friends of the Sheikh who he encounters along the way. As the adventure unfolds, we learn about the rich life of this Sheikh and his uncompromising love for humanity, for under his teachings, different beliefs, faiths, and ways of life can only converge and become one. The more we learn about the Sheikh Muhyiddin, the more we understand why he is so venerated across cultures and continents. Looking for Muhyiddin is a deeply lyrical odyssey into the soul of Islam through the life and the works of one of its most beloved mystics: Ibn Arabi. This is one of the best Sufi movies you will ever watch.

Happenstance Everyone knows Amelie, but did you ever hear about this other movie with Audrey Tatou. It is about coincidence and chaos theory, possibly the best one on the subject.

Un Buda IMDb says, “Un Buda follows two brothers orphaned as children when their parents were taken by the military during the ‘Dirty Wars’ of the 1970s in Argentina. Tomas is now a drifting and withdrawn young man who experiments with ascetic practices and has an instinctive compassion for others. His older brother Rafael is a university philosophy professor, detached and alone. Their struggles with each other and the world around them in Buenos Aires take a dramatic turn when they find themselves at a rural Zen center.” It’s a great spiritual movie from Argentina

Now and Forever If you want to watch an unforgettable spiritual love story, do not miss out on this one. I watched it many years ago, but some scenes still stick in my mind. IMDb summarizes it like this: “Against a backdrop of clashing cultures, John Myron and Angela Wilson find each other and over the years form a powerful bond. One tragic night, John rescues Angela from a wicked act of betrayal. Faced with its aftermath, Angela flees town, unaware that she has put into motion a dramatic and intense string of events that will forever change the course of their lives. Harboring a secret, John guides Angela to a shocking realization that will uncover the past. Now & Forever is a dramatic contemporary love story combining elements of spirituality, heart and integrity. They say sooner or later all love stories will end; Now & Forever is the exception...”  

An… This Greek movie is so special for me. We watch a choice and then the consequences in parallel universes. Demetris is a handsome man with a dog. One night while out with his dog, he meets Christina. In the alternate universe, he doesn’t go out with his dog, so he doesn’t meet Christina. We watch both sides of this simple choice. But fate says, if you are destined to meet someone, you will meet him or her whatever. Why is this movie so special for me? In one great scene, Demetris and Christina sit with a coffee and share love. I later found this coffee when I visited Athens and sat with my own love. I will never forget either that experience or this magnificent movie.  

Storm If you loved The Matrix, watch this Swedish version. It starts similarly when a man meets a mysterious woman with an evil man chasing her. The story then turns in a different direction. Please just find it and watch it.  

Ink Ink, a mysterious creature, steals a child's soul with the aim of using it as a bargaining chip to join the Incubi, a group of supernatural beings responsible for creating nightmares. It may seem like a horror movie, but it’s not. The less you know about it, the more you will enjoy it.   I know many other movies could be added to this list, but this is just a selection to start you off. There are also many spiritual documentaries, but I will share a list of these in our next issue… Read the full article

[armageddon-generation]

Fixing The Legend of Korra - Book 3

Book 1,  Book 2,  Book 4

THIS IS MY PERSONAL FAVE BOOK, SO IMPROVEMENTS ARE RELATIVELY MINIMAL. AGAIN, IMAGINING A 28 EPISODE SEASON

REPUBLIC CITY

Further exploration of what opening the portals did to the world

Show what happened to the people forced out of their homes – forced into housing camps.

Bolin works with General Iroh trying to help these people, dressing up as Nuktuk to give the kids the same kind of comforting distraction he needed at that age on the streets – this lays the foundation for his joining Kuvira much later

Have the triads try to exploit the spirits – capturing them and attempting to sell them as exotic pets/batteries (a prelude to what Varrick does in Book 4 that goes horribly wrong). The Spirits go nuts and attack, and Korra has to act as peacekeeper (defending the triads is something she really hates)

During this conflict a triad member is briefly possessed by a spirit. Korra gets it out, but now he has to live deformed. I’m thinking Shady Shin, because he has a direct relationship with the bending brothers (them helping him shows character growth and is an interesting inversion of the dynamic established in flashbacks, where Shin mentored and corrupted them).

As a criminal, Shin also didn’t get his bending back. In this way – first losing his bending, then being possessed by a spirit – his character is a microcosm of everything that’s happened to the world so far, and it would be interesting to see Korra confront this

The new Air Nation takes him in and cares for/attempts to rehabilitate him

KORRASAMI

At this point Asami is aware she’s starting to feel attracted to Korra – she’s much more self-aware and has much more self-control. Korra isn’t yet aware she’s attracted to Asami – growing up in the South Pole with now LGBTQ role models (Kya’s dating life wasn’t very active) it’s not that she wasn’t aware of fluid sexuality, it’s just she never considered that it would apply to her.

They bond not only over Mako, but also their joint responsibilities (Asami is marshalling the democratic Equalists’ political campaign from Book 2)

By the end of the season Korra knows what they have is more than just friendship, but she isn’t emotionally ready to go there

Asami spends much of this Book running after Korra, and that’s important - she’s been swept up in this grand adventure. When Korra gets hurt and has to leave in the finale, Asami is brought down with a bump - in Book 4 they will have to confront that they can’t run away from responsibility or have a fairytale romance. They have to live in the real world

RED LOTUS

When Tonraq and Zuko meet with the twins to guard P’Li, establish they’re building a more positive (if slightly awkward) relationship with their uncle

Obvious thing, but let’s see an origin story for our group – Zaheer rescuing P’Li, Ming Hua losing her arms and learning to live without them (Korra learns about this and it hangs over her when she’s in the wheelchair) and Ghazan developing his lavabending

Firmly establish lavabending is the result of Fire Nation and Earth Kingdom blood mixing, so Bolin’s powers don’t come out nowhere

Have the Red Lotus be the ones who killed Sokka. That raid when Korra was a kid was his last stand. This lends a lot more emotional weight to the characters coming in, and especially if we make them much more likeable with an origin story and greater emphasis on the group dynamic, creating greater emotional conflict within the audience. Plus, this way we actually get to see old Sokka in Korra

Create a genuine will-they-won’t-they between Ming Hua and Ghazan – their attempts at flirting would be Azula-level funny. They never act on their feelings because they’re both destructive and damaged from their long imprisonment (have the group comforting each other over nightmares about being back there). Then end the romance on a tragic note when they die together in the finale – the suicide is double-pronged, a metaphor for their destructive emotional states

I imagine Gazhan and P’Li having a sibling-esque rivalry over who can be the most destructive in battle

Contrast the Red Lotus with the old, out of touch members of the White Lotus trying to manage spiritual activity across the globe – have Jinora, Kai and the new airbenders express frustration towards them.

When Iroh shows up to talk to Korra in the Spirit World, have them discuss his relationship with the White Lotus and how it changed after his death – just as in ATLA, he disapproves of holding on to tradition, honour and the past at the cost of moving forward

Zaheer was an Air Acolyte in his youth; this is a more concrete explanation of how he is immediately such an expert airbender. It also sets up a more intimate and interesting relationship between Zaheer and the new Air Nation – he sees them almost as his children, potential followers     

He begged Aang to give him bending, but Aang refused (for the sake of balance – it wouldn’t be natural). Zaheer’s anger, combined with the White Lotus’ stifling attempts at spiritual control (which Jinora can relate to even today) caused him to join the Red Lotus

Zaheer sees in Korra a kindred spirit – not only did she open the portals, but she returned people their bending after Amon took it away; she is willing to upend the ‘natural order’ Aang clung too, the same order Zaheer wants to upend

Korra protests giving people bending wasn’t the point – Zaheer being an airbender doesn’t make him more special than anyone else (the lesson she learnt in Book 1). She restored their bending because those people needed to be whole again

Zaheer’s attitude towards Airbenders like Kai, a former criminal with little respect for tradition, is a dark, exaggerated reflection of Tenzin’s initial reaction – violent disgust

The Red Lotus’ ultimate goal is to end the Avatar cycle, then extract Raava from Korra. The chaos they’re causing by destabilising the Earth Kingdom and removing Korra will cause Vaatu to grow much faster. Then the Red Lotus will combine the two spirits, producing Gaana, the spirit of Harmony from whence Light and Dark came, returning the world to primordial peace

Although they stop the Lotus, the formation of Gaana becomes a far-off dream for Korra, her endgame for when the world no longer needs the Avatar

(Also have Zuko meet with and talk to Iroh at the end of Book 3, now he can enter the Spirit World. Pretty please.)

ZAOFU AND THE BEIFONGS

Because the plot of Book 3 isn’t as dense, we have more time to stretch our legs with character stuff – the calm before the storm. Establish the Beifongs’ personalities in greater detail (because there are a lot of them) – have them argue and love each other the way families do

Asami ADORES the design & technology work in Zaofu and really bonds with Bataar Sr - he represents an ideal version her father she saw when she was a kid, what she wishes Hiroshi could’ve been

Also use this opportunity to establish Bataar Jr’s mounting resentment before Book 4 - especially if Asami is a better mechanic than him

Bataar Jr and Opal have a close bond when we meet them as the only non-bending kids (they and Kuvira are a tight-knit trio) but over our time in Zoafu we see them drift apart as Opal embraces her airbending identity. Bataar is left alone.

Involve Kuvira more directly – establish that she’s the emotional lynchpin of the family, the negotiator whom everyone relies on. At the same time, she’s an outsider, only allowed at mealtimes on special occasions etc, and she’s painfully aware of that

When Mako starts investigating the mole in Zaofu, have Kuvira team up with them – she takes the hardline bad cop role, but they work well together and get results (Korra jokes Mako certainly has a type because of how similar they are)

Kuvira joins Team Avatar in the finale, and also when they go after Iwae, helping Mako and Bolin fight Ming Hua and Gahzaan (much more viciously than the bending brothers), but gets knocked out. 

In Book 4 when she argues with Su she pulls this specific example: Su is willing to act (or order Kuvira to act) when it serves her own self-interest (i.e. revenge on Iwae) but not when it means taking responsibility for others. Kuvira is tired of being Su’s powerless pawn (if Su had been there to fight, Kuvira wouldn’t have almost been killed by the Red Lotus)

Bopal – Opal is the first person Bolin lets himself be truly vulnerable with, letting down his walls – Mako is very supportive

Create more moral ambiguity around Su. There was a popular headcanon she was part of the Red Lotus/knew Zaheer in her youth, so I’m making this canon. Su brushed/briefly flirted with being part of the Lotus in her youth (she makes a cameo in the Red Lotus origin episodes). This creates a more legitimate conflict between her and Lin (and the future conflict with Kuvira for hypocrisy)

THE NEW AIRBENDERS

Again, this was really well done in the show, I just want more cute Kainora crushing moments tbh.

Have the new airbenders’ relationship with Shady Shin be a direct measurement of how they learn and live by the Air Nomad culture – moving from hostility, to frustration and wanting to give up, to empathy, sympathy, and finally acceptance. At first Shin is angry and violent towards them, but he soon breaks down – he thinks his life is over. Kai’s relationship with him is particularly important – Kai reminds Shin of a young Mako, and Shin is a reminder of what Kai would’ve been without airbending and Jinora.

By the end of the Book (a few months) Kai invites Shin to Jinora’s Master anointing ceremony, and he stands awkwardly in the background

Kya stays with the new airbenders, which has more weight seeing as she’s not ‘officially’ part of the family – she has been accepted/adopted

KORRA, SPIRITS AND RAAVA

To try and lessen the ridiculousness of the Deus Ex Machina in the Book 2 finale, the Avatar state is heavily neutered during Book 3. Now Korra has no past Avatars to channel, the State is much less powerful, and she must learn to operate without it (as compared to Book 2, where she spammed it with reckless abandon), forcing her to find more diplomatic solutions (setting a good example for the airbenders)

Raava’s light is still growing in Korra after being destroyed by Vaatu – their dynamic is now flipped, where Raava is counting on Korra to be a figure of hope and strength she can rely on. This puts more pressure on Korra, but she copes much better now she doesn’t have a thousand Avatars’ voices whispering in her ear – establish she’s actually finding this freedom from tradition beneficial to her job as the Avatar (change is good!)

Have the spirits act as markers for the emotional states of both characters and places – they infest Lower Ring of Ba Sing Se because they’re attracted to the high concentration of chi there. Their emotional state varies, but generally people are adapting well (they’re used to random shit in the slums by now). Mako and Bolin help their family with spirits (they also find Nuktuk hilarious)

By comparison, in the Upper Ring spirits are far fewer because the upper classes treat them like vermin and are trying to push them out. The few spirits that are there turn Dark easily (Korra has to intervene) showing how, despite its pretty surface, the political structure and people on top in Ba Sing Se are corrupt.

When fighting the Dai Li, have Korra directly confront the fact they were founded by a past Avatar (Kyoshi) – emphasising the pattern where she has to deal with a past Avatar’s mistakes. This season is all about Change, so by the end of it have Korra disband the Dai Li

When Korra goes into the Avatar State for the first time in the finale, this is just Raava desperately trying to defend her from Zaheer

I don't know when we'd fit it in (when Korra confronts Zaheer in the Spirit World? When she's hallucinating because of the poison during the finale?) but I NEED a nightmare sequence of what Red Lotus!Korra would've been like - there are so many cool headcanons and fanarts and fics about this. Show the Red Lotus as a true family unit with Korra as the daughter figure, show Korra letting herself loose with Combustion and Lava bending. Show her inner conflict (and dominance) with Raava, who disagrees with her actions

Also it would be awesome if we saw this Red Lotus Korra meet and team up with a dark Equalist! Asami (they both believe in extreme balance) - this sheds new light on their relationship for Korra, and is the catalyst for her realising her romantic interest in Asami - she's witnessing all this destruction and chaos she caused, but she's still happy because she's with Asami

Emphasise how much Korra has become the centrepiece of Team Avatar – she is everyone’s best friend. To Asami in particular she’s become the catalyst and manifestation of everything she likes about herself – her courage, her enthusiasm about helping people, her friends, her own empowerment – the exact opposite of her father

[goodvibesatpeace]

9 Ways to Create a Deep Spiritual Connection With Your Romantic Partner

When you both met, the tantalizing heat and magnetic connection between the two of you was intense and magical.

Life felt bright, invigorating, and paradisiacal. It was as if nothing, and no one else, existed in the world but you and your partner.

Fast forward five, ten, twenty or more years. Both of you feel tired and burdened by your responsibilities. Perhaps you have children, busy jobs, compacted timetables or other concerns to deal with.

You don’t know why … but something feels lacking. The spark in your relationship has dimmed. Maybe you’re even struggling to find a sense of connection with your partner and are wondering “what went wrong”?

Life has a way of bringing us back to reality sooner or later. As demands, stresses, obligations, and duties arise, it can be difficult to maintain a deep spiritual connection with our partners.

What is a Spiritual Connection?

A spiritual connection is basically a deep affinity felt between two people. This deep closeness goes beyond superficial personality traits, likes, dislikes or shared interests. Instead, a spiritual connection is about sharing the same fundamental values, beliefs, life goals, and dreams as the other. Two people who share a spiritual connection will meet each other on the same vibrational wavelength and will be able to share everything with each other.

Spiritually connected couples often share the following traits:

Honesty

Empathetic listening

Mutual respect

Gratitude for each other

Authentic interaction

Open communication

Meaningful conversations

Intimate sex

Autonomy

Unconditional love

Spiritual connection is more than just about playing the role of “wife/husband,” “girlfriend/boyfriend,” “wife/wife” and so forth. Rather, spiritual connection in relationships is about meeting at an intimate and raw Soul level.

The Cyclical Nature of Love

No relationship ever remains the same because the nature of life is constant, moment-to-moment change. One minute you will be passionately engaged with each other, and the next, you will both be distant. It’s important to remember that it’s totally normal to experience these fluctuations in your relationship. In fact, you might even notice that your connection with your partner is cyclical, meaning that it follows a circular pattern of change.

For example, one period of time you might share a lot of deep conversations, followed by quietly sharing each other’s presence, followed by a feeling of isolated distance. And this cycle may repeat itself many times. The same can be said for sex. You might go through a period of intense passion, followed by playful exploration, then followed by routinary intercourse.

It’s healthy to experience these fluctuations. In fact, not experiencing these cyclical changes would be very concerning indeed. Not experiencing these fluctuations would signify that one or both of you are clinging to the past and forcing the relationship to be a certain way. On the other hand, a lack of growth and change would signify relationship stagnation. Stagnation can happen for many reasons, but the most common causes are resentment, abuse or “outgrowing” the current relationship.

9 Ways to Create a Spiritual Connection With Your Partner

Creating a spiritual connection with your partner isn’t about indoctrinating them into believing what you believe or liking what you like. Nor is creating a spiritual connection about changing the other person to be more “spiritual.” Both of these approaches are immature and damaging to your relationship.

Instead, creating a spiritual connection is about deepening the Soul contact between the two of you. Spiritual connection is about becoming vulnerable, engaged, attentive, open, and receptive to the other person.

Here are some recommendations:

1. Give more eye contact

One of the saddest things I often see are couples that no longer give each other eye contact. These couples communicate with each other, often stringing out whole conversations without so much as a glance at the other.

Eye contact is extremely intimate. When you give your partner eye contact, you are basically showing them that you are interested and deeply engaged in what they’re saying. Eye contact is not only a sign of respect, it is the best way to connect with another person’s Soul. Have you ever heard of “soul gazing”? Soul gazing is based on the premise that you can bathe in the waters of another person’s Soul through gazing into their eyes.

2. Set aside “us time” each day

Sometimes life is just too damn busy to have the energy to maintain a relationship. One of the easiest things you can do is setting aside time each day out of your busy schedule to exclusively sit with your partner. Even sitting together in each other’s arms on the couch watching a movie is a good way to begin deepening your spiritual connection.

3. Explore what spiritual lessons your partner is teaching you

Even if not done consciously, your partner’s behavior, words, and thoughts can teach you a lot. Having a spiritual connection is about learning how to spiritually grow in your partnership. What is your partner teaching you? Remember, our partners often see our “blind spots” and so can reveal a lot to us about ourselves, even unintentionally.

4. Touch more

Physical touch is an immensely important element of creating a spiritual connection. The subtle energy exchanged through touch is very binding in that it helps to create a deeper affinity with your partner. Physical touch is soothing, comforting, and can often express much more than words can.

5. Have meaningful conversations

What is in your heart? What means a lot to you that you want to share with someone? What epiphanies have you had? Start a conversation with your loved one. Share whatever is on your mind and find a regular place and time to do that.

6. Find ways to laugh together

Laughter opens the heart and deepens your spiritual connection immediately. Learn how to laugh at yourself, your partner, and together with each other, in a light-hearted way. Even simply watching funny videos together can deepen your bond.

7. Openly communicate your feelings

Most disconnected relationships lack open communication. Open communication is the ability to express your thoughts and feelings honestly while respecting the other person. When you feel hurt, angry, isolated, or any other emotion, express that t o them. Not even your partner can read your mind, so don’t make that assumption. Openly communicating how you feel is the cornerstone of an honest relationship based on mutual caring, respect, and love.

8. Practice self-love

It’s true: without truly loving and embracing yourself as you are, you will struggle to unconditionally love your partner. Instead, you will impose endless expectations, demands, and beliefs on them surrounding who they “should” be and how they “should” act. By practicing self-love, and accepting all the light and darkness within you, you will deepen your spiritual connection with your partner. True change comes from within, so if you want your relationship to become richer, you need to make your relationship with yourself richer.

9. Forgive past hurts

Holding onto grudges and mental “tallies” of wrongdoings is a surefire way to sully any relationship. The more you hold onto grievances, the more isolated and distant you will feel from your partner. If you tend to hold grudges, try to make space for yourself to let go and open your heart to forgiveness. Most likely, you may need to openly communicate how you feel to your partner in a respectful and non-violent manner to seek closure.

Even Soulmate and Twin Flame Relationships Become Stale

We tend to idealize our relationships, even soulmate, and twin flame connections. But the truth is that no matter what type of relationship or karmic agreement you have, you will eventually experience dullness. No relationship will stay vibrant consistently, no matter how magical.

The trick is to distinguish between natural cyclical dullness and deeply unhealthy relationships. Sometimes, we get stranded in relationships that keep us spiritually stagnant or trapped in victim, martyr, persecutor, rescuer or love addict roles.

[hundredbillionbottles]

Now You’re a Mouse Caught In a Mouse-trap and Another Mouse Has Discovered You and Is Now Buggaring You

“Okay, now you’re a mouse caught in a mouse-trap and another mouse has discovered you and is now buggaring you.”

A big part of me doesn’t want to give any explanation or context for this quote from Greg, primary school librarian, IT guy and father of two. If you want to leave this quote contextless and go about the rest of your day torturing yourself over what in God’s name Alex got up to in Bogotá this weekend, then stop reading here and tune in next week.

…

Okay. So, Tejo is a Colombian game, similar to ring-toss, in which you hurl rocky discs, or ‘tejos’, at a small wall of wet clay about the size of a small door, or rather a sheet of A2. In the middle of the wall is a metal ring, and on the metal ring are four faded pink, triangular sachets of gunpowder known as ‘mechas’. You get one point for landing the tejo in the clay, three points for hitting the mecha, and five points for landing it in the exact centre of the ring. However, three points, not mathematically, but morally and spiritually, are far more valuable than five points, for a direct hit on the mecha triggers a tiny explosion from both the gunpowder and the spectators, who instinctively whelp whelps of ‘¡olé!’ and ‘¡mechaaaaaaaaaa!’ in a style reminiscent of Miis when you bowl the ball backwards of Wii Sports. Desiring a change of scene from the usual Friday night tienda, we gathered a troop to come play this absurd game. We left straight after work to grab ourselves a lane, and luckily snagged the last one available in a confined room consisting of three lanes separated only by a bench and a thin bit of fencing on each side of the clay wall, a slightly concerning amount of safety precautions for a game that is literally blowing stuff up with rocks.

We got started and mecha-shots were few and far between. In fact, it took me at least four tries to even hit the clay. However, what I neglected to mention was that one does not pay for a lane at the Tejo rink, one pays for a crate of beer. So long as you keep drinking and purchasing beer, you maintain your right to the lane. So now we can add alcohol into the equation along with blowing stuff up and throwing rocks. Yet, somehow, in a totally backwards way, the more we drank, the better we got. Halfway through our second crate, I was regularly forgetting where my tejo had landed pretty much immediately after throwing it, yet I still managed to hit three or four mechas in my intoxication. Then came Greg’s ingenious idea to throw tejos in the style of a characters: his original idea was to do it in the style of a T. Rex or a constipated rabbit. Y’know, relatively innocent, harmlessly fun concepts, which very quickly escalated into ‘George W. Bush finding out about 9/11’, ‘Theresa May having a sexual fantasy about screwing the homeless’ and, of course, “a mouse caught in a mouse-trap and another mouse has discovered you and is now buggaring you.” When I witnessed George imitating said mouse being buggared by said other mouse, I knew that this game was a piece of Colombian culture that I must bring back to the UK in July.

At some point there was some sort of silent mutual decision that enough gunpowder had been shed on this night and everyone hustled into an uber van back to the gap house, where Stephen and Dom considered the practically of climbing the roof and I talked to Greg about Twin Peaks and his days as a drum and bass skanker. All in all it was a very pleasant, friendly and funny evening.

The following day was introduced by a wash of blissful sun, somewhat of an anomaly in the recent pattern of grey skies and thunderous rain. I suggested to take advantage of the day’s brightness and warmth by visiting Bogotá’s botanical gardens. But, as is the law of sod, the black clouds followed and swelled along with our taxi, drizzling wet specs of dust on the window before unleashing the full contents of their mighty load almost as soon as we set foot in the park. We strolled about between the beds of exotic plants and admired their gradients and patterns, but at the same time we were getting absolutely pelted with rain, a combination of activities that cannot be endured for overly long. And so, though the garden was stunningly beautiful and diverse, the thunder ultimately chased us back to whence we came, and I began preparing for our night out at ‘Baum’, an electronic music club that I’d heard several, pardon the pun, rave reviews about.

Baum was good. It was okay. Not great, but fine, and I’m glad I went. It was split into two rooms: a glowing red room with a tree growing behind the decks up through the clear glass ceiling, and a dark room lit only by the electrifying LED screen behind the DJ with a ceiling designed like churning waves in a choppy sea. I spent most of my night there in the latter, where the basslines were far more stomach-shaking and face-fuzzing. However, in both rooms the music was fairly repetitive, though good, and the people were all a bit ‘too cool for school’. In contrast to the explosively energetic of previous nights out in Bogotá at Theatron, Baum seemed to attract a more ‘trendy hipster’ crowd who were all too chic and smart to be seen having a good time, so instead of blaring smiles and moronic dancing there were bookish frowns and lazy shuffling. In the end, I decided to watch the lightshow from behind my glowing eyelids and to let the bass take me on calm wave which directly opposed the image the room created through the wild sea on the ceiling.

When I got home, I stayed up for a little while longer talking with Stephen over a microwaved bowl of pasta leftovers. We talked in some detail about our time in Colombia so far and how we can cram as much of the country into our memories before our time here is up. The morning after, I skyped my friend Ellie from back home and we caught each other up over the events of the past two months. It was great to see and hear her and we talked for almost an hour and I can’t wait to see her and the rest of the Nailsea gang again. It was interesting that I enjoyed each of my conversations with Greg, Stephen and Ellie more than I enjoyed the strobes and wubs of Baum. I guess it reminded me that it’s the people you meet and the bonds you make that tie you to a place, rather than the more superficial experiences. I think I will always remember the rapturous laughter on the Tejo alley and the people that generated it. And when I do leave in June, I think they’ll be what I miss the most, a fact which will no doubt go down interestingly at my next summer extended family gathering: “so what was your favourite moment from your time in Colombia, Alex?” “Well Gran, I’d have to say the re-enactment of a mouse getting caught in a mouse-trap and then another mouse discovering them and buggaring them.”

[viralnewstime]

Never have streaming services seemed more crucial to our collective consciousness than right now. In these uncertain times, we’re all looking for a way to escape, whether it’s through home workouts, baking, or something a little more thrilling.

Thankfully Aussie legend Stan has the goods with a slew of brand new thriller releases. So dim the lights, grab a bowl of movie-grade popcorn and get ready to stay in, sit back and enjoy.

Penny Dreadful: City of Angels

What: A spiritual descendent of the original Penny Dreadful story, the brand new series Penny Dreadful: City of Angels is a twisting, supernatural crime caper set in 1938 Los Angeles – a time and place deeply infused with social and political tension.

When a grisly murder shocks the city of Los Angeles, Detective Tiago Vega (Daniel Zavatto) and his partner Lewis Michener (Nathan Lane) find themselves embroiled in an epic story that reflects the rich history of Los Angeles: from the building of the city’s first freeways and its deep traditions of Mexican-American folklore to the dangerous espionage actions of the Third Reich and the rise of radio evangelism. Before too long Tiago and his family are grappling with powerful forces that threaten to tear them apart. 

Why should you watch it? If the action-packed trailer alone, with its sinister lighting, old-school gangster guns, grizzled but dreamy detectives, explosions, horror, occult references and supernatural undertones isn’t enough to convince you, then consider this: one of the TWO major battles the show is built around sees Magda (Natalie Dormer) face off against the literal personification of death Santa Muerte (Lorenza Izzo) who just so happens to be her sister! It’s the demonic family feud we’ve all been waiting for, and the city of sinners is the perfect place for it to go down. 

If Penny Dreadful: City of Angels was a band it would be:  Slipknot (there’s a LOT going on and it’s ALL awesome) 

When to watch: Right now, right here.

The Gloaming

What: A powerful and provocative crime thriller set against the surreal landscapes of Tasmania, and from The Kettering Incident creator Vicki Madden, the Stan Original Series The Gloaming is a crime TV masterpiece not to be missed. When an unidentified woman is found brutally murdered, Detective Molly McGee (Emma Booth) uncovers chilling evidence that links the body to an unsolved crime from over two decades ago. Driven to finally get both the truth and justice, Molly teams up with ex-partner and old-flame Alex O’Connell (Ewen Leslie), only to be thrown headfirst into a murder mystery that rapidly goes from routine investigation to something much more insidious. As political corruption and shady business intertwine with sinister crimes and occult practices, The Gloaming becomes a genuinely unsettling puzzle.

Why should you watch it? If the above paragraph wasn’t enough to convince you, consider this: self-isolation has likely taken your brain to some strange and dark places this month, but none of them will be as deeply disturbing, unsettling and unexpected as the events depicted in The Gloaming. This is the type of murder mystery that will keep you awake until you’ve binged it all in one day, and the pay-off is absolutely worth it. It also scores bonus points for a stellar cast, the gorgeously ominous fog-covered Tasmanian scenery and the episode titles, which are all amazing (eg. The Mark of the Witch).

If The Gloaming was a band it would be: Nick Cave and the Bad Seeds

When to watch: This one is perfect for when you want to escape into the great outdoors (and not just for some essential exercise). Every episode of this Stan Original Series dropped as part of the platform’s massive summer line up, so you can jump right in. 

Better Call Saul

What: Joining the universe of Breaking Bad, one of television’s most critically acclaimed shows, Better Call Saul is a darkly comedic crime series centred on Walter White’s criminal/lawyer, and tracks his transformation from small-town attorney James ‘Jimmy’ McGill (Bob Odenkirk) into the dodgy, lowlife, scam artist, alter-ego, Saul Goodman. 

Set six years before Breaking Bad kicks off, Better Call Saul gifts viewers a front-row seat to the series of extraordinary, and extraordinarily tragic, events that forged one of television’s most truly despicable beings. Set in Albuquerque, New Mexico, we get inside the mind of McGill as he takes on a job as the lawyer for a former police officer whose skills allow him to enter the criminal underworld.  

Why should you watch it?  If for some reason the prospect of another five seasons of critically acclaimed TV featuring Bob Odenkirk as he becomes Saul Goodman wasn’t enough reason for you to watch alone, the welcome return of fellow Breaking Bad alumni Jonathan Banks as hitman Mike Ehrmantraut, and malevolent chicken king Gus Fring played by Giancarlo Esposito, should do the trick. Simply put, if you were addicted to the greatest television show ever made (or just like good TV), then you better watch Saul. If Better Call Saul was a band who would it be? Kyuss 

When to watch:  Every episode of all FIVE seasons are available right now, so get streaming before the final season drops next year and we say goodbye forever. Bonus: If you’ve never seen Breaking Bad, you can also stream every episode of the series  – there’s a solid month of self-isolation viewing sorted!

The Little Drummer Girl

What: Based on John le Carré’s best-selling literary masterpiece, The Little Drummer Girl is an immersive thriller series about a  fiery actress who, upon meeting a mysterious stranger in Greece, is drawn into a high-stakes international espionage operation.

Set in the late 1970s, the pulsating drama stars the fantastic Florence Pugh as Charlie, the unfulfilled British actress and idealist whose resolve is tested after she meets Alexander Skarsgard’s Becker while on holiday. It quickly becomes apparent that his intentions are not what they seem, and their encounter entangles her in a complex plot devised by the spy mastermind Kurtz, played by the incomparable Michael Shannon. Charlie takes on the role of a lifetime as a double agent in the ‘Theatre of the Real’, but despite her natural mastery for the task at hand, she increasingly finds herself inexorably drawn into a dangerous world of duplicity and compromised humanity.

Why should you watch it? The Little Drummer Girl blurs the fine lines between love and hate; truth and fiction; and right and wrong, and will leave you in a state of near-constant suspense as layers upon layers of depth and intrigue are added each episode. And thanks to the international settings, it’ll feel like you’ve taken a trip to the other side of the world, multiple times, without ever leaving your house. 

If The Little Drummer Girl was a band who would it be? Placebo 

When to watch: All episodes of the thrilling British miniseries are available to stream right now.

Supernatural

What: When Sam (Jared Padalecki) and Dean (Jensen Ackles) Winchester were children, they lost their mother to a mysterious and demonic supernatural force. All grown up, the brothers embrace their inner Buffy as they traverse the country seeking truth, vengeance, and their missing supernatural hunting father, kicking the ass of whatever force, human or otherwise, dares try to intervene.

Along the way, Sam begins to develop disturbing powers, including the ability to see graphic visualisations of people’s deaths before they happen. It’s these premonitions that then give additional purpose to the Winchester brothers’ quest as they try to prevent these lives being lost

Why should you watch it?  Put simply, Supernatural is one of the best shows of its genre ever made. With a Rotten Tomatoes score of 93% across 14 (yes 14!) seasons, it’s a genuine masterclass in TV worldbuilding, with every episode playing a crucial role in the telling of a truly epic paranormal tale that expertly blends horror, mystery, drama and thriller conventions into one supernaturally good show. 

If Supernatural was a band who would it be? Coheed and Cambria

When to watch: When you feel like some sibling bonding time, tuck into all 14 seasons of this iconic series on Stan.

Parasite

What: A pitch-black modern fairytale thriller, Parasite follows the near destitute and increasingly desperate Kim family as they infiltrate the ludicrously wealthy Park family, one lowly service job at a time, in a calculated effort to survive. A symbiotic relationship is forged, yet beneath the surface a parasite dwells, feeding on greed and class-discrimination, threatening to expose the truth. 

Parasite is a film best enjoyed without any further context, so we’re not going to spoil the plot any more – all we’ll say is you’ve never seen a film t like it, and it’s very likely that once you’ve seen it, you’ll never be the same again.

Why should you watch it? After winning 4 Academy Awards, including the historic accolade of being the first foreign-language film to ever win ‘Best Picture’, and the Palme d’Or at Cannes, Parasite is South Korean director/writer Bong Joon-Ho’s (The Host, Snowpiercer, Okja) masterpiece. Perfectly cast and brilliantly layered, every single shot, plot twist and piece of dialogue uttered in Parasite is absolutely essential in adding to the omnipresent suspense. It’s funny, haunting and thrilling all at once, but the scariest and most shocking quality of all is just how POSSIBLE it seems. This is a movie that will haunt not just your nightmares, but your daydreams as well. Stop reading this, and watch it immediately. That 99% Rotten Tomatoes score didn’t get there by accident.

If Parasite was a band what would it be? Envy

When to watch: After being fast-tracked from cinemas, Parasite is already available to stream so get to it – just make sure you’re emotionally prepared. 

–

Start your 30-day free Stan trial now.

The post Guide To Iso: The Best Thrillers To Stream This Month appeared first on Music Feeds.

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[kevinseamon]

Weddings

When I was a kid, weddings were always cause for a celebration: My parents would go to the wedding and my brother and I would be blessed with a babysitter and a trip to Blockbuster. Couldn't beat it with a stick.

As a youngster, the only understanding I had of what went on at a wedding was people dressed up and took pictures. Secretly, I believed the groom wore a top hat and a tux and the bride wore a white cocktail dress and to consummate the marriage, they danced like Fred Astaire and Ginger Rogers on the altar of the church (a lot to unpack there, but the main thing is that I couldn't imagine a wedding NOT in a church).

After high school, and seeing a slew of my classmates become pregnant and have amazing children without the church dance, I started to develop a more grounded belief in the institution. Even though my parents had been married for almost 30 years at that point (and are still together in spite of god and each other), I was beginning to attain the realization that "people are people always," regardless of their social stature or relationship status. And weddings were not some mystical taming of the green flame dance that signified a unity of spirit - they were expensive ass parties that allowed the friends of the couple in question to eat and drink to their hearts content in celebration of personal histories and bonds.

I worked in a funeral home in high school. It was a part of my tearing-down-preconceived-notions-of-Irish-Catholic-spirituality tour (getting a front row seat for death helped me get over the anxieties I suffered because of the heaven and hell thing). While there, I made friends with my co-worker Jimmy over Kurt Russell movies, back pack rap, and an affinity for cheap whiskey. He and his girlfriend met, dated, and got engaged all in the time that he and I were also developing our friendship. This resulted in my being invited to his wedding. My first wedding.

I wish this story was about that wedding. It isn't, though, because that wedding was a dream. They got married and had the reception at Liberty House in Liberty State Park in Jersey City, overlooking the southern tip of Manhattan on a beautiful night in September. The DJ played Rock Lobster twice because I asked. Dream.

My second wedding was less so.

The wedding was for the son of the owner of the funeral home for which I worked. He invited me to his wedding because we were co-workers and distant cousins, not because we were friends. As I've gotten older and can conceivably get married someday, I will not be inviting the me-at-that-times in my life.

The wedding would be in a beautiful church at the Jersey Shore and there would be an expensive reception and an open bar and Jimmy offered to drive Hildegard (this name has been changed to protect the currently successful), my date, and me to the wedding.

Jimmy, Hildegard, and I shared a flask of Jack Daniels in the car. Jim's wife, Cathy, was pregnant, and driving, and more tolerant than we deserved. She remains a saint. We arrived at the church and put on a brave face for the next hour and a half of Catholicism.

Having grown up in the church, I was used to the rhetoric, but it's always funny to go to a wedding in a church where half the congregation hasn't been to a service in a while - I imagine it would be like watching me do yoga: Uncoordinated, sweaty, and worried about farting. This church service was filled with the lapsed, including Hildegard, so at the end of mass, it was a rush for the front door, to remove ourselves from beneath the watchful eye of a vengeful and righteous creator. I was also starting to get an oughta-drink-more headache, so it was time to go.

The back of church was the typical procession: parents of bride and groom stood by the happy couple shaking hands and thanking people for coming. We waited on line, buzzes wearing off, heat beginning to get to us, and began to greet the family. Bride: "you look beautiful." Groom: "Congrats brother." Parents of the Bride: "Congratulations." Mother of the groom: "You look wonderful, what a happy day." Father of the groom -

Here was the issue. One can reasonably grease through a gauntlet of congratulations when pretty drunk because the objects of your empty gestures are all meeting you half way with an equal emptiness: "Yeah, we know you can't wait to get to the open bar either, fatty, keep it moving." The father of the groom, however, was unable to call me fat, or anyone fat for that matter. He suffered from ALS. His physicality was limited, despite his mind being sharp. He was the final piece of our exit. Everyone who knew the situation had reached out and took his hand, as he was unable to take theirs. Hildegard, however, unfortunately, did not recognize this situation.

She stood in front of the patriarch of the family, hand out, waiting...waiting...

waiting.

The man looked at her with the darkest glare his face could muster. I turned around to catch the tail end of the moment: Hildegard, awkwardly and drunkenly swaying, looking amused and confused, while the rest of the congregation stared daggers through her. After what felt like an eternity, but was probably all of five seconds, I nod-apologized to the father and took Hildy's hand and swiftly went to exit the church...

And immediately fell down the stairs.

The dust settled, and the moment of Hildy making the groom's father look weak had passed. The moment was now, "Who let THIS guy in?" "Is that Joan's son!?" The answers were, respectively, "Irish Catholic guilt," and, "yes it definitely is, please don't tell her."

Jimmy and Cathy were laughing quite hard as we piled back into the car for the trek to the reception. Hildegard was still mortified at her interaction, but that tension had passed for the rest of the crowd. And, my fall recovery was actually humorous enough to smooth over the embarrassment. We walked into the reception mostly with a clean slate.

Which we immediately doused in gin and tonics.

It was 2007 and I was 20. Even though I'd been drinking for a few years prior, this was my first open bar without the watchful eye of my parents around. Hildegard and I took full advantage of the situation. We drank enough gin and tonics to make the magician at the cocktail hour fun (at least I think he was a magician, we might have also just been playing cards with the waiters).

And, we went drink for drink. This proved to be a problem. I weigh 200+ lbs and Hildegard is maybe 98 lbs in a downpour. After five heartily-poured drinks, I was WC Fields and Hildy was a plastic bag in a gust of wind.

As we sat down at the table to eat. It was here that my having been invited as a result of guilt was clear: We were sitting with outliers. Jimmy and Cathy were at a different table. Hildegard and I were with the owner of the gas station around the corner from the funeral home, the local florist, and a few other distant acquaintances who all seemed to be invited on account of "doing the right thing."

Also, they were all in their at least 50s, and so the two blackout 20-year-olds did not go unnoticed.

Hildy, after ordering a glass of red wine at the table, promptly put her arm out in front of her, and slammed her head down onto the table, beginning a classic process known as "passing the fuck out."

The gas station owner, seated to my right, had a handlebar mustache and a soul patch, and was wearing a Sear Sucker suit that didn't fit well and his collar was twisted underneath a bulbous neck...and still managed to be more judgmental than I've ever since encountered: "Maybe you should get her out of here, son. Looks like you've both had enough."

Alright, Foghorn Legorn, I thought, that's fine. I stood up and balanced Hildegard on my side and we dragged our asses outside to the curb.

As I lit up the joint I brought, I heard a familiar prelude: the burping and moaning of someone about to pray to the porcelain god. There was no porcelain afforded to her, sadly, and with a joint in one hand and her hair in the other, Hildegard put half a bottle of Tanqueray into the gutter. After she was empty, I sat next to her and we both looked up at the blue Jersey Shore sky.

Cathy and Jimmy exited the reception hall later to find Hildegard and I still on the curb, afraid to go back into the reception. God forbid we open ourselves up to any further criticism. Despite having had a blast, we were both mortified of how we'd behaved, and were worried about not just seeing the people in there again, but would I even have a job come Monday? Would they call the police on us? Were we going to get in serious trouble?

The answer, thankfully, was no.

In fact, we had stopped being the story. The groom's two cousins got in a drunken fistfight on the dance floor that had spattered blood on other guests. The two drunk kids who fell asleep and then disappeared would no longer be the take away. Forgiveness, had been bestowed upon us by the classic Irish Catholic inability to express one's emotions without bloodletting.

At that, the four of us began the long drive from the shore back up to New Brunswick. Jimmy had refilled the flask after slipping the bartender a $20. Cathy put on her Amy Winehouse mix cd. Hildegard rested her head on my shoulder and we made our way up Rt. 18 - wiser, happier, and more prepared for the shit shows to come. It was a moment of clarity. As the blue Jersey sky turned black, I rolled down the glass and took in the last gusts of beach air.

Then, Hildegard vomited across my chest and out the window, giving the white VW Passat a chunky pink racing stripe.

We stopped at a Hess gas station and under the green neon lights I used the windshield squeegie to de-louse the car.

I learned a valuable lesson about weddings that night: People only remember the last thing they saw. And if you can't help but be consistently embarrassing, try to limit the viewing audience.

[dreweric]

June 2016, El Camino de Santiago, my Journey-of-Self-Discovery

Can I do this, Can I be my authentic self? 

My first week on the Camino was whirlwind of personal growth and self examination. I met a young man with whom I shared a deep bond. He helped facilitate my heart’s opening—something I desperately needed after my divorce.

Follow the link below for the blog about the young man and our bond: This is a story of two unlikely people forming a bond while walking El Camino de Santiago (The Way to Santiago)

I wrote three blogs called “I fall in love with a boy while walking The Way to Santiago Part I, II, III” They were all supposed to be about the bond between a young man and an older gay man.  However, the second blog took a turn, creating what I call my “Manifesto.”

In that original blog I wrote about my observation of his requirements/needs then I shined a spotlight on mine. I’ve included his requirements in my published blog above, so I won’t repeat them here in my “Manifesto.”

Something happened when I was writing that second blog. When I started writing about my requirements, my fingers started flying, pounding even, on the keyboard. It was as if each time I hit a key, I unearthed another pain, another source of anger. Then, like magic, the pain and anger were released into the Spanish air, never to darken my soul again. In that afternoon, I released my husband, I released friends, and I released my soul from the life debilitating pain of my past.

This is what I wrote that day in Spain:

Midway through the original blog… 

Speaking of requirements, I myself had a huge realization about my requirements. Here it is 12 days into my 500 mile walk from France to Santiago Spain and I’m still learning from what happened in the first few days.

I am going to get vulnerable and real. I am going to tell you my requirements. I am going to tell you about my authentic self. The reason I am telling you this upfront is because I want anyone who is not interested in learning more about my authentic self to stop reading and move on.  Unfriend me on Facebook, let’s not hang out.

I am realizing today I have my own requirements and I love that about myself. I offer you this, take a look at your own requirements; they reflect your authentic self.

For so many years I have tried to squelch my needs—to live for other people’s requirements and not my own. I actually tried to let my needs go in order to live inauthentically for others. I realize now how detrimental that is to my well being. I am not going to be a good fit for everyone. I am happy about that. If you are able to meet my requirements, then let’s hang out. If you aren’t, DO NOT ASK ME TO LET THEM GO. We are not a fit. I have needs; you will meet them or move on.

Here are my requirements/needs:

No food boundaries, I’m the kind of person who wants to take the first bite of food off your plate. 🙂

I am passionate about friends. They mean the world to me. If you call me your friend you will meet my needs, period. If you choose to not meet my needs but want to be my friend, we are not friends.

You will meet my needs, if I am hungry, feed me. If I am doing too much, help me. Be a partner in my life not an observer or critic.

I will take care of everyone around me. I will be nurturing, attentive and helpful. If you are the kind of person that is so independent that you won’t accept help, we are not a fit. I will no longer allow people to tell me to change this about myself. I am a natural nurturer, it is my passion, and it is my “Love Language” Non-negotiable!

I am a take-control leader. I will naturally fall into the leadership/project manager role. This clearly rubs some people the wrong way. I will not apologize for this, it is who I am.

I enjoy being challenged and pushed to grow. I require people to stand up to me and put me in my place if needed. If you let my large personality steam roll over you without a response, we are not a fit. I can feel your lack of response, I know something is not being said, I require you to speak up and challenge me. If this is not you, and you want to run from speaking your truth, then move on. It’s either challenge me, speak your truth or don’t talk to me.

Family is everything to me. I do not take the family feeling lightly. If you say we are family you need to mean it. Good, bad, ugly, nasty, warts and all. When the shit hits the fan and we are family, stand up with me and be a family. MAN UP. Find what needs to be done and do it.

Quality time is required. You must spend quality time with me doing any and everything. Let’s hold hands and watch a movie. Let’s do yoga together then skip down the street holding hands. Let’s share clothes. Let’s run errands. Let’s just be together.

I am not perfect! I will make mistakes! I will be a jerk; I will get excited and talk over you! I will sometimes not listen. I require you to tell me I am doing any or all of these things so I can adjust my behavior and be a better person but I will not tolerate people getting mad at me for not being perfect. I am loud and high energy and I make mistakes. Tell me to calm down and we will do fine. Get mad at me and hold a grudge, we are not a fit.

I require a flow of positive energy. If you are withholding in any way, we are not a fit. I can’t hang out with you. It doesn’t work for me. I need a constant flow of loving energy. If you are negative, bitchy or mean spirited, please walk on the other side of the street. Not a fit! I require love and will not accept anything less than loving energy. You can certainly get mad at me but after you process you need to come back with love in your heart.

Positivity is a must, no complaining, loving conversations work best for me. If you are the type of person to just simply complain, go away.

I love conversation about personal growth, life lessons and spirituality. If this makes you uncomfortable, please block me out of your life. My foundation is betterment for me and others, Non-negotiable.

I am dyslexic; I can’t spell, and make tons of incorrect word choices. If you are counting the mistakes in any of my writings, why the hell are you reading it? Go read DICKens.

THIS IS SO LIBERATING… I feel so much better getting this off my chest. I will no longer try to fit others needs or feel badly for being who I am. This is who I am, take me or leave me. I can certainly dial some things down to fit the needs at the moment and will. But do not ask me to stop any of my requirements because you are uncomfortable. You need to walk away, we are done here.

I am weird and needy and crazy. I love that about me. If you do too, please call me. Let’s share food and talk endless about ourselves. Let’s spend quality time together.

I have spent so many hours hanging out with people that don’t meet my requirements. If you are reading this and seeing yourself not meeting any of my requirements and you call yourself my friend, please take this as a warning. I am not interested in you anymore. No apologies, no regrets.

I met a young man who was weird, friendly, liked me for me and met many, many of my needs. He taught me I can attract the right people to my life. He helped me realize I can be me and people will still like me. He is a young straight guy who should technically not respond to my requirements. However, he stepped up to the plate, met my needs and still wanted to hang out with me.

That shocked the shit out of me. It made me believe in myself and made me believe there are people in the world who will like me. There are people in the world with similar requirements and similar needs; I just need to find them!

This story is about my falling in love with myself and falling in love with a straight boy who taught me to love myself. I am forever changed. I have him to thank. I have the Camino to thank. I have all the people who are not interested in me and my needs to thank. This is for all of you.

Take me as I am and I will love you too. This is my moment on the mountain. This is my “Manifesto”. This is me, raw and authentic.

I’m feeling this urge to say, if this isn’t you then “go fuck yourself.” but that would just be rude so I won’t. Wink 🙂 (Channeling my dear friend Laurie T.P. who loves the word fuck—she is fucking awesome)

P.S. Immediately after writing this I felt an enormous shit (I meant to type shift in the original blog post, you can see why I am leaving it now; it fits with my last requirement). A huge burden was released and I felt high as a kite. I realize I was harboring anger with all the “you need to change” people in life. I had real anger for the people who wanted me to “be different, be less me”.

Good news is I don’t need to be angry anymore. I can let them all go. They are not for me. I love myself too much to allow naysayers in my life. Are you with me? Is this you also?

  Sarah J.F.S.: I love your “weird, needy, crazy” self…glad to see you are learning to love that person too. And, as a side note…I remember sitting in a GLBX meeting with you, when we first met, and you leaning over and sharing my breakfast. It was ok with me then, and it’s ok with me now! LoL

Mark W.H.: I read Huge growth! Good for you😊 Just like the velveteen rabbit you ARE discovering what it feels to be real.

Tamara P.C.: Gotta be you … Everyone else is already taken. Sarah J.F.S: hat’s a great line, Tamara. This may just be my new mantra!

Anne S.B.: If you learn nothing else from your journey then it’s been a success. You should love yourself, especially if you’re weird!!!

Kimberly H.T.: We’ve only met once and I’m loving getting to know you better through these posts! When you come back to Fort Lauderdale I’d love for you to come eat off my plate!

Kitty U.: It’s funny, though we have been friends for many, many years, I realize as I read your posts how little I really have known you, though I suppose you might state that until recently you didn’t know yourself this well either. 😉 It’s been really interesting and cool to learn more about the person you are in the process of finding in yourself. Thank you for sharing Drew!

Annaleah P.M.: Wow. How evolved for you to have not only identified, but articulated what you need. Yay for you, my friend. P.S. Read you P.S. I snickered a bit. You probably felt a ‘shift’??

Laurie T.P.: I fuckin Love this. I got chills reading this and laughed out loud when I read my name. You inspire me in so many ways. And I’m exactly the same as you in so many ways. Especially about the food. That’s me! Your journey is a blessing to so many. You are helping us or at least me learn more about myself through your experience and beautiful words. I can’t put the book down. I want more! With happy tears flowing. I’m honored to be your friend. And I Fuckin Love you!! Xoxo

My Manifesto! June 2016, El Camino de Santiago, my Journey-of-Self-Discovery Can I do this, Can I be my authentic self?