#but it's gotten SO BAD RECENTLY and now THIS

[bringmeanangel]

Here When You Feel Nothing

Pairing: Spencer Reid and female reader

Tags/warning: Brief mention of masturbation (f), unable to let go. frustration. embarrassed mentions of depression. self-doubt, slight voyeurism but not really. negative self talk. Caring Spencer. Comfort. Praising. Pet names. Depression. Depressed reader. Mentions of self harm (hitting not cutting.) mentions past sexual assaults. I think that's all.

Synopsis: You've been feeling down lately and thought you would have a little "you" time. When nothing happens, you are frustrated with yourself and embarrassed when you realize Spencer saw.

A/n: Read the tags! Lots of things mentioned.

MINORS DNI

You knew Spencer wouldn't be home for another hour or two, so you thought you'd take the the opportunity to have a little "You" time. You hadn't been feeling well mentally recently and you had gotten your period on top of that.

You also didn't want to be a bother to Spencer, even thought he is the sweetest person in the world and does not mind when you need a little extra care.

You made your way to your shared room and closed the door. For some reason you felt like you were doing something bad. Even though this was perfectly normal.

You stripped to your underwear, leaving your shirt and grabbed your vibrator you kept by your bed. You folded up a towel and placed it down, always careful of the sheets and got under the covers.

You took a deep breath. You wanted to do this, you wanted to feel normal again. You hated feeling this way. You closed your eyes and started to think about your boyfriend.

Turning on the vibrator, thought about the way his hands are. Big. Long fingers. You let your minder wander and you started to tease yourself with the vibrator over your underwear.

It was working fora bit, but then your thoughts got all muddled. Trying your best to bring yourself back, you slightly gasped when the toy hit the right spot. Your legs started to shake, your head feeling fuzzy and then....

Nothing.

Nothing happened. It went away. You sighed, trying again. Sometimes that happened.

Again, you tried. You tried to focus on anything other than what just happened. Anything other than your mind feeling like it's about to short circuit and feel heavy. You wanted the release. You needed it.

Nothing.

Frustrated with yourself you turned the vibrator off and placed it down. Before you knew it your were crying. You rolled over onto your side away from the door when you heard a gentle.

"Angel"

The footsteps where light and suddenly Spencer was crouching down in front of you. A hand reached out and stroked your hair. You sniffled, burying your face agaisnt the bed pillow.

Had he been watching you try to masturbate? Suddenly the bed dipped beside you and Spencer had moved to sit on the edge of the bed.

He rubbed your back with one hand and wrapped his other hand around your hand. The two of you sat in silence for a bit.

"I still have to pee and change out of these clothes, even though I didn't-" you started and trailed off.

"Good girl" he whispered. It wasn't patronizing or anything. "Would you like my help?" he went back to stroking your hair.

"No" you whispered, shaking your head.

Spencer moved to let you up. You made your way to the bathroom.

While you got got yourself cleaned up, Spencer started to clean the room. Wiping the toy and putting it away. He put the towel in the hamper and grabbed you a fresh pair of underwear, your sweatpants and his t-shirt you liked so much.

When you came back in, you looked down, too embarrassed with yourself. You put your dirty underwear in the hamper, now standing in front of your boyfriend in only a t-shirt.

Fresh tears made their way down your cheek. You didn't move to wipe them. You just stood there, almost frozen on the spot.

Spencer made his way to you. He noted the way you tensed and figured you didn't want to be touched.

"How does your head feel?" he asked.

"I-uh- not really foggy, sort of like it's short circuiting... if that makes sense." he nodded.

"It does and it's perfectly normal."

You nodded, still unable to move. You were still looking down, but watched as his feet moved away from you.

"Angel?" His voice cut through the daze and you looked up "Did you hear me?" And you shook your head. "That's okay. I told you that I'm going to wipe you again with the baby wipe."

"Okay." You whispered. "Thank you" it was almost inaudible, but Spencer heard it.

"Come here, love."

You made your way to the bed, seeing that he cleaned up for you. You were feeling even more guilty even though there was nothing to feel bad for.

You laid down on the bed bending your legs and spreading them. Spencer grabbed a darker blue glove and pulled one on his right hand. He took the wipes and placed a tender hand on your inner knee, pushing your legs a little wider.

Spencer noticed that you started to relax when he touched you.

His touch with his left hand was warm and grounding. You Turned your head away, still feeling ashamed.

"It's going to be a bit cold." He looked so softly at you.

When you nodded, Spencer inched a little closer and reached out and wiping you. You sucked in a breath when the cold wipe touched you.

Spencer was thorough, but quick. When he was done, he took the glove off and threw it and the wipe in the trash

"You're doing so well for me. I'm going to put your underwear on."

"M'sorry" you mumbled.

"You have nothing to be sorry for." Spencer grabbed your underwear. He helped you in them "bum up" he soothed.

You lifted your bum up and he slipped the underwear over your bum. He wrapped his arms around your waist and you wrapped your arms around his neck.

He rubbed a hand up and down your back. You started crying again and he held you tight, gently shushing you and whispering "I've got you" "good girl" "You're safe"

Spencer kissed your temple when you started to calm down. He carefully pulled you up and kissed your forehead.

"I'm going to put you in leggings and a sweatshirt." He said. "Then after we're going to talk."

You clung a little tighter to him and he rubbed your back a few more times and then you let go.

Spencer cupped your cheeks, stroking your temples with his thumbs. He kissed your forehead and grabbed the clothes he had laid out for you when you were in the bathroom.

Once he got you dressed, Spencer carried you out to the living room for a change of scene. He placed you on the couch and sat beside you.

You sat with your knees to your chest. Arms wrapped around your legs, head resting against the cushion, but not looking at him.

"I just wanted to have some "me" time. I've been feeling depressed for a while and- I just... But then I couldn't. Then you walked in. I'm so stupid. I should be able to let go."

"You're not stupid."

"Why am I like this?! I hate it." you shouted, raising your arms.

Spencer was quick to grab your wrists holding them tight, so you couldn't harm yourself. His grip was firm, you struggled for a moment and relaxed.

"I have you." He said, his voice steady.

You rested your head on your knees. Feeling calmer with his touch. Spencer noted that you were doing the breathing exercises that he taught you.

"Anorgasmia. You can still have a desire for sex and feel pleasure. However you may feel anguish or emotional distress because you can't have an orgasm. There are many factors that can make reaching an orgasm difficult. It can be physical, mental emotional or medical."

"Are you saying I have a sexual dysfunction?" You mumbled.

Still not looking at him, but Spencer was relieved to hear the light, joking tone in your voice. He held both your wrists with one hand and lightly scratched your scalp with the other.

"I'm saying, one of the causes is psychological. Depression, stress, anxiety." Spencer paused before speaking again "or previous sexual assault."

You closed your eyes, tensing, tears silently falling again.

It had been six years since it happened. Three years since you and Spencer started dating. He was so gentle and extremely patient with you. Still is after all these years.

You don't know why this year hit you hard. The anniversary was a month ago, but you still haven't been able to really pull yourself out of this state.

Things were going well for you otherwise. You were busy which was good.

"This isn't permanent. I know you. There's been a lot going on, things you don't talk to me about, but I see them."

You finally look up at him. His heart breaks looking at you. He cups your cheek with one hand and you lean into his touch.

"Are you mad?" You whisper, looking exhausted and dejected.

"I'm not mad, love. I know you have a hard time talking about certain things. I just want you to know that I love you and I'm here to listen."

"Sometimes I feel nothing and it scares me. I'm too embarrassed to say anything."

"I would never judge."

"I know. Then I feel guilty for not telling you"

"Do you feel nothing now? Empty inside?" You nod as you wipe your tears.

"My head still feels like it's short circuiting"

"Let's head to the kitchen. I'll make you hot water with lemon and honey. I'll get you some orange slices, walnuts and a few pieces of dark chocolate."

"Can we eat them in bed?" You asked and he shook his head.

"We're going to have them in the kitchen. The lights are a bit brighter and you can sit at the island and eat while I make your drink."

"Then the bedroom?"

"Yes, Angel. Then the bedroom. I'll hold you all night."

[banabiohazard]

Jecka had been at Nicole’s house all day, not that she was complaining it wasn’t like she had a better way to spend her Saturday. Besides she felt better about being there now that Nicole’s brother was in jail. They hadn’t really done anything, stayed sober unfortunately, laid around, minimal talking even. Even as she left to go home she could feel Nicole’s eyes on her, she had been staring at her a lot lately hadn’t she? Whatever don’t read into it, she was probably plotting something. She cleared her throat, “See you tomorrow probably.” She called as she turned her head, Nicole was still slumped against her headboard, tapping at her laptop as she lazily raised her head to acknowledge she heard her.

“Bye.”

Dry, not that Jecka hadn’t expected that, truly it was the only real way Nicole spoke. And out she went, checking her phone was in her pocket as she went down the stairs. She waved to Nicole’s Mom on the couch and made her way out to her car, she started it up and began pulling out when her phone buzzed. She put it in park and dug in her shallow pocket, she flipped her phone open to see a text from Nicole,

‘miss u’

‘i havent even left your fucking driveway yet’

‘so come back’

‘my mom will be pissed if i dont come home nicole’

‘you hate your mom anyway come back’

Jecka leaned her head back against her headrest, despite her demeanor with everyone else, and well even with her in public, this truly wasn’t out of character for Nicole when they were alone recently. She’d gotten all clingy, Jecka suspected whatever thing she had going on with Ari last month actually awoke something in her. Whatever not her business, she pulled back up and shut her car off, casually walking back inside despite the disappointed look it earned her from Nicole’s Mom.

When she got back to Nicole’s room she saw Nicole had barely moved beyond sliding down to stare at the ceiling and tossing her laptop on the ground. “Hey.” Jecka greeted, unsure if Nicole even knew she was there, Nicole scooted over, obviously inviting her to lay down. Jecka breathed a half sigh half laugh through her nose, why did Nicole know how to speak to her silently so well? She laid down beside her, joining her vain attempt at staring a hole through the popcorn ceiling. “This is really fucking boring Nicole, it’s like you want me to go home.” She teased, knowing that’s all it would take, just as expected Nicole rolled onto her side and hurriedly wrapped her arm around Jecka, keeping her where she lay. God, new gay ass Nicole was so easy. Jecka giggled to herself.

“Are you going to stay?” Nicole asked in a small voice, okay that, that was new. Jecka wasn’t sure if she liked that, it barely even sounded like Nicole, “Sure why not,” she answered, “Gotta go get something to sleep in though.” She finished as she tried to sit up, Nicole kept her down, “I’ll lend you something. Just, stay.” Okay maybe the voice is growing on her a little, fuck. “Fuck me for being sappy but, are you okay?” Jecka asked, Nicole didn’t answer for a while, just breathing into Jecka’s shoulder. “When am I?” She finally answered, her voice back to its normal monotone. “No.” Jecka sat up, forcefully enough this time to escape Nicole’s grasp, god she was strong for such a scrawny bitch. “You’re acting fucking weird. Is there something I need to know?” She asked, Nicole held onto her arm, clearly thinking, “No, I just don’t want you to leave.” There was that small voice again, Jecka exhaled hard before she laid back down to continue being Nicole’s personal stuffed animal. “Fine.”

It wasn’t so bad anyway.

[wizard-on-whales]

Am I allowed to say that I really fucking hate those pants? I despise leather pants, they are so ugly even on James and he needs to burn them. Same with that shirt

His personal style has always been a little questionable but lately it's gotten so fucking bad I'm not even gonna try to be nice about it 😭

Like what even is this? Please for the love of god TAKE IT OFF

And this...so ugly so so ugly. It looks so cheap but bro probably wasted a shit ton of money on it 😭 and WHAT is that shirt collar?? its like sportacus' mustache in clothing form

Sorry, but I feel like bullying him right now, someone's gotta do it

I was gonna stop at that but now that I'm at it im gonna bring up how horrible his tattos are...like yeah he looks hot as fuck with them, but the actual designs and tattoos themselves are so bad...like the ford logo with angel wings and a halo and it says faith instead of ford...what is that? And I'm sorry but his most recent ones, the one on his neck and the Papa Het on his hand, are so bad. Bro seriously needs a babysitter. He's clearly already senile (I mean that lovingly...but also not)

I kinda want to punch him in the face sometimes and then kiss it and hope he learns his lesson.

[anticidic]

thanks for tagging me @frankenjoly @marichild and @saoirseyun <3 (I meant to do this eventually but three time's the charm)

20 questions for fic writers!

How many works do you have on AO3?

24 (but really 25, but one of them is written by a friend and I am merely a spectator and not really a cowriter)

what's your total ao3 word count?

406,373 words

what fandoms do you write for?

Only Bungo Stray Dogs, though I keep toying with the idea of writing for others (and then never do).

what are your top five fics by kudos?

from a to o, i love you so — omegaverse A/A -> A/O Soukoku piece

foiled fables — Kitsune!Dazai and human!Chuuya AU

with me, disaster finds a playfield — omegaverse Beast AU

letters to my chosen one — Angel!Dazai and Demon!Chuuya AU

bad days, good nights — Dazai birthday fic

do you respond to comments? why or why not?

Yes 💖 I do my best to respond to all of them because I appreciate others taking the time out to read and comment their thoughts, even if it's a simple emoji

what's the fic you wrote with the angstiest ending?

still the snowflakes fall — A what-if had Dazai been a part of the Decay of Angels instead. It doesn't end well for anyone involved.

what's the fic you wrote with the happiest ending?

I think probably from a to o, i love you so. Because it's about Dazai waking up one morning and losing a critical part of his identity and suddenly everything he knows is a lie. But despite fumbling, he comes to accept a new reality because, as Chuuya puts it, he's still Dazai. That core part of him hasn't changed.

do you get hate on fics?

Not really. I've gotten dumb trollish comments and people demanding for requests but I've shut them down

do you write smut?

wildly gestures to almost my entire catalog of fics And I'll do it again

do you write crossovers?

No, but I've wanted to write fusions. Like dropping bsd characters into Genshin or Honkai Star Rail or Psycho-Pass or something. Some of my fics have been loosely inspired by games or things I've watched but I definitely wouldn't call them crossovers.

have you ever had a fic stolen?

Not to my knowledge, but I hope not jkdkjskj

have you ever had a fic translated?

I've had a few requests for one of my recent fics to be translated 👀 I'm over the moon every time someone asks

have you ever cowritten a fic before?

I SUPPOSE Darling, Some Things Are Meant to Be counts in a very roundabout way. @ohhcinnybuns gets full credits for the actual fic on there, but we go back and forth on here writing Snow White!Dazai and Prince!Chuuya ficlets (hey, go check out our fairytale playlist for them, I'm obsessed)

what's your all time favourite ship?

Probably IwaOi and ShuAke

what's the wip you want to finish but doubt you ever will?

I started a zombie apocalypse-flavored omegaverse in anticipation of finishing it for omegaverse week and that never happened. I'm feeling ambitious but I also have a lot of events I'm participating in at the moment and ongoing fics that need prioritizing.

what are your writing strengths?

Painting scenes and going into depth about character motives and inner thoughts! Also, tying subplots into the overarching plot. I love worldbuilding and creating seemingly insignificant backstories for characters that end up playing major roles down the road.

what are your writing weaknesses?

The last time I did this tag game, I said dialogue, and that was a couple of months ago now but I feel like I've made major improvements in that area with my recent stuff. I'm becoming a lot more comfortable with fleshing out the plot through characters interacting with one another than in exposition and narrative. Now, I'd say editing. I tend to second guess myself and will scrap several thousands-worth of words if something's not working and then rewrite it all over again because I can't pick out what exactly is wrong with something.

thoughts on writing dialogue in another language for a fic?

I write Japanese honorifics simply because I feel like it reads a little better, but that's about it since most of what I write takes place in Japan.

first fandom you wrote for?

K-Pop help it was so long ago...we don't talk about those days...

favourite fic you've ever written?

hunter's season my beloved. It's a Dark Era omegaverse fic revolving around Dazai/Chuuya, with Dazai who thought he was an alpha but turns out he was really living a lie his whole life and finds out the hard way after taking some tampered medications.

no pressure tags: @altruistic-meme @monkey-banana41 @chuuyaspinkmotorcycle @calmlb @bloodsherry

[aroaceleovaldez]

i still can't believe the LA Times article/interview just. openly admits that the show intentionally, from the beginning, fully removed Gabe being abusive and overtly made him just a nosy loser. Percy's relationship with Gabe is so important to how he navigates the world and the themes of the series. Percy's first monster is in his own home. He uses wards against evil against his step-father and they work. He has overt PTSD that colors his interactions with Mr. D and is why he's so antagonistic towards him for like four books. It isn't until Percy is able to move past his trauma and how Mr. D reminds him of Gabe that he sees Mr. D for who he actually is and understand him and begin to empathize with him. Heck, even into HoO we see Percy having visceral reactions to implications of alcohol/drinking because of Gabe. Everything about Percy's home life colors him as a character. His trauma and PTSD informs his perspective and they explicitly removed his PTSD in the show.

They removed Percy's PTSD. They brush over his experiences as a neurodivergent/disabled kid after the first episode and turned Sally into an Autism Speaks mom. Why. On what planet was that a reasonable change to be made.

[bet-on-me-13]

Ghost Cores are Dionesium

So! I while ago, I saw a Post about Danny and the Court of Owls, and one suggestion in the comments basically said, "What if Dionesium, the stuff they use to bring back the dead, is just Ghost Cores?"

And that got me thinking. Lazarus Pits are just Dionesium Infused Water, so how would they be created if Dionesium is a Ghosts Core? Well they way I see it, Lazarus Pits can only be formed in 2 Ways.

The first way is for a large number of Ghosts to be Ended at the same time, with their shattered Cores piling up and dissolving into Water.

The other way, if for an Ancient to Die. The Ancients are practically God's, and as such their Cores are immense in Power. When an Ancient dies, and their Core is left to dissolve in the Human Realm, it forms a Lazarus Pit in the exact same way it would take hundreds of normal Cores to do so.

Where am I going with this?

Well, isn't there a Giant Lazarus Pit under Gotham? The Batcave even has one, doesn't it?

The reason Gotham is so cursed isn't because Lady Gotham likes to collect Curses, or because her Ectoplasm is corrupted, it's because she isn't there to stop them anymore.

Lady Gotham is Dead.

Her Core sank deep into the Earth, forming a Lazarus Pit under the entire City, but thankfully far away from her People. She died, and only the fact that she is a Conceptual spirit saved a piece of her Consciousness. She represents a City, she can only fully be killed if the entire City is leveled. That doesn't mean she is still alive however, just that the barest sliver of her mind is hanging on by a Thread.

This is how Gotham possessed Batman that one time, it was her base instincts saving one of her precious children.

If you want her to be a little more cognizant, maybe she is just severely Injured? Her Core is cracked to the edge of shattering and she desperately needs help.

She she calls out to whoever could save her, and a certain Ghost Boy hears her cry for help?

[soulmvtes]

i feel the closest i have ever felt to myself and that is the reason why i know things will feel better soon

[twistedstarsintertwined]

endlessly amused by cries of "you can’t ship them, it’s practically incest!" about two unrelated (adoptive or biological) fictional characters. because honey definitionally it is not. but i can make it incest. i can make them related. i think they might like it more if they were. it would certainly be hotter in any case.

[splitshard]

i feel so much happier and better about my life since breakup tbh like there's a lot i still want to change or work on but it was really eating away at my soul i felt miserable before. i think i got like hope and love in my heart.

thank you so much to anyone who has taken the time to chat or hang out with me in the last while i love you endlessly i appreciate it so much <3 it's like i really don't feel lonely i feel more connected to others than i have in a long time

[disdaidal]

Someone who constantly embarks on ship wars and fandom wank... doesn't sound too mentally stable. It's sad, really.

Dedicating all that energy and free time to arguing about fictional characters and their relationships, instead of channeling it into something more relaxing or creative, sounds destructive.

Seek help, please. Before it devours you completely.

[camgoloud]

you ever just. become overwhelmed by a sudden out-of-nowhere wave of tenderness and affection and longing for reconnection directed towards someone to whom you no longer speak for Very Good Reasons

[phoenix-eclipses]

Forever going damn I should fix my sleep schedule and then never actually doing anything to fix it

[berryblu-soda]

Anyways update i just didnt bother to post earlier:

fr God is good and the whole car crash my parents got into last week was so incredibly mild in terms of injuries!!!! worst was a bruised knee im pretty sure

ALSO-

*taps mic* HUG YOUR FREAKING LOVED ONES OR SO HELP ME!!!!!!!

[joshuaalbert]

actually writing some words everyone say thnak you ultra fantasy ruby red monster energy

[sabraeal]

1000 Followers Update!

Due to some super fun chronic health shenanigans, the posting for the 1000 Followers Celebration is being postponed a month! Posting will start on 2/2 with to all the ghost still standing in this room, and continue as previously planned from there. Thank you guys for bearing with me-- I struggled with the idea of even postponing for a week, but it became very clear on Monday that I would not be able to catch up with the schedule unless I took an extended break to recover. Can't wait to show you guys what I've got up my sleeve!

[waywardsalt]

there is undeniable opportunity to make bellum x linebeck fucked up but i dont have it in me. im a sucker for it just being fine with a side of like. light nautical crimes against nature but i cant make it toxic or w/e after a certain point. theyre chilling