#but it's failed to have any long term impact on me beyond the fact i REALLY like one of my ocs who i refuse to call a tav bc she honestly

[ciitrinitas]

i am putting other games on the top shelf until forever because i am annoyed to go into the wotr tag and just have it be a quarter comparisons to bg3 even if they favor wotr and i agree with them.

[tokoumaru]

★ mondstat boys' voicelines about you!

feat. diluc, kaeya, albedo, venti tags. voicelines, pure fluff, gender neutral reader, friends/coworkers to lovers! word count. 3.7k  tw. hinted spoilers (?) in kaeyas and albedos part, mentions of fatal injuries in diluc’s part

synopsis. genshin impact boys and their in-game voicelines about you!

voiceline series. part 1: liyue, part 2: mondstat, part 3: inazuma, part 4: sumeru

diluc ragnvindr

About You (Friendship Lv. 4)

The Knights of Favonius... The majority of them are incompetent both in their actions and in their will. However, I do acknowledge the potential and resolve the minority of them hold. Take (Y/N) of the 8th Company for example, they’re adept at the art of Electro and channel their elemental energy into their catalyst flawlessly. Both their unparalleled combat ability and unwavering sense of justice make them potentially one, if not the only, reliable knights currently acting right now... that’s if they decide to get out of bed consistently.

More About Diluc: A Game of Chess (Friendship Lv. 5)

Angel’s Share is known for being Mondstat’s center of information. Occasionally you’ll find me working at the bar, though sometimes I simply visit in discretion. However, it’s beyond me how (Y/N) never fails to recognize me in spite of the perfect disguise and flawless secrecy I put forward. Despite being known for their indolence, they’re always present at the tavern and somehow insistently challenging me to a game of Chess. It’s been a long while since I played chess with anyone... yet their skills make mine look that of a Grandmaster’s. Although they may have strength almost parallel to mine, it seems their strategic thinking may use a little... haste. Brute force and morality without thorough planning will get you nowhere... It seems that (Y/N) is acutely aware of this fact. I truly applaud them for taking matters into their own hands despite their idle disposition. However, I had never agreed to be their mentor or their chess ‘master’. Still... seeing their persistence makes it hard to decline them.

More About Diluc: The Darknight Hero’s Shortcomings (Friendship Lv. 6)

I’m sure you’re aware of the Darknight Hero’s true identity by now... Witnessing the Knights of Favonius’ incompetence first-hand, I find it impossible to trust them with responsibilities concerning the protection of the city. I didn’t intend for it to be recognized, but it’s true that I’ve taken it as my sworn duty to protect Mondstat from the evil that lurks in the dusk of night... though by no means did I expect to earn such a childish title. Listen, no matter how powerful you are, working day and night without rest will wear you out. Back then, I ignored this blatant fact and instead chose to press forward foolishly, disregarding any long-term effect this choice had on my wellbeing... If not for (Y/N), I would have died at the hands of my own ignorance. That night, there were an alarming number of Abyss Mages situated in Windrise. Despite being aware of my fatigue, I had rushed on to take on more than I could handle... this had been my fatal mistake. Luckily, it was one of the rare nights (Y/N) chose to patrol. At seeing my struggle, they had hastily defeated the rest of the Abyss Mages with no hesitation whatsoever. I owe them my life. Truthfully, I insisted on repaying them for their deeds... However, all they wished for was  for me to stop throwing myself into precarious situations so they wouldn’t lose any more sleep... how befitting of them.

About You: Partners in Crime (Friendship Lv. 10)

From the moment (Y/N) had extended their help on that faithful night, they had insistently accompanied me on my duties as the Darknight Hero, no matter how much I said otherwise. Truthfully, they were only a nuisance at first... managing to fall asleep on most missions. I had no interest in idle chit-chat and only wished to protect the city from the looming evil. Though, after a dreadful night where I had sustained a handful of injuries, they had thrown a fit at seeing me. That night, (Y/N) had repeatedly reminded me that I was a citizen of Mondstat as well, and that it was their duty as a Knight to protect its citizens. I was about to protest, knowing that I had no use for the Knight’s so-called protection... Though, seeing the evident worry on their face, my brewing argument seemed stuck in my throat.. Walking alone in darkness, I had instinctively shunned all those who tried to walk the same path as me. I used to believe that the path to vanquishing all evil had been a lone one. However, seeing the feelings (Y/N) held for me... I have to admit that I was wrong. Despite their rather consistent indolence, they’ve proved their unyielding will to protect the citizens of Mondstat, which they insist includes me… Now, not only do I owe them my life, I owe them my entire being as well. Just as they wish to protect me, I wish to do the same for them... I can’t afford to lose them.

kaeya alberich

About You (Friendship Lv. 4)

(Y/N), eh? When I first met them, they seemed like the naive type, so I decided to joke around with them a little. They were Lisa’s little library assistant, so I had simply asked them for a copy of ‘Legend of the Lone Sword I,’ which was commonly known for being of Liyuen descent. Haha, you’d think someone who’s stationed inside a library would know exactly what books the place holds... To my surprise, the following day they had disappeared completely causing quite a stir among the Knights. It was only until dusk did they reappear at the tavern, earnestly holding the entire ‘Legend of the Lone Sword’ series just for little old me. Ahaha, I was quite stunned, to say the least. I was about to sincerely thank them for all that trouble... until Lisa pulled me off to the side and boy was she angry. I still get shivers at the thought of it...

More About Kaeya: A Long Needed Break (Friendship Lv. 5)

The title of Cavalry Captain is nothing to get excited about. When Grand Master Varka took the rest of the Cavalry for his expedition, it seems that as the Captain, I was left to shoulder the legwork all alone. Oh, woe is me, a Cavalry Captain without any cavalry to captain, running around Mondstat fending off all its evil. I must say, even someone as diligent as I, needs a break at times. Aside from Angel’s Share, the Knight’s library is the perfect place to take a breather. Compared to the hustle and obnoxious paltry of the tavern, the library’s peaceful silence is one that I truly prefer after a long day of tedious work. Speaking of... Lisa’s little assistant, (Y/N), seems to have taken a liking to my company. Instead of the serene silence you’d expect, the library’s usually filled with (Y/N)’s excitedly hushed whispers foretelling stories about the most recent book they’ve read... quite endearing, I must say. Heh, their ardent enthusiasm makes it hard for me to say anything, so they simply can’t blame me for dozing off on them. Although, it seems that they don’t mind my negligence at all, and each time I somehow awake from my little nap with a small blanket laid on my shoulders. It’s truly a shame the library’s oftentimes desolate, the sight of the Cavalry Captain napping with a bright pink shawl littered with floral patterns would prove to be a great source of entertainment for the Knights.

More About Kaeya: Endearing Misadventures (Friendship Lv. 6)

The Reconnaissance, headed by Captain Eula, is usually in charge of scouting Mondstat’s wilderness. *sigh* Though, ever since the Grand Master’s expedition, the Knights have been completely short-handed... So much so that it seems Jean couldn’t help but send (Y/N) and me off to scout the unusual activity happening in Dragonspine. Knowing how protective Lisa is of her little assistant, she couldn’t help but protest fervently... It’s a shame that Eula and the rest were truly too busy to focus on such a newly appeared threat. (Y/N)... Oho, you shouldn’t underestimate them, no matter how docile they may appear. The expedition to Dragonspine went smoothly... except for one faithful instance. Unfortunately, at the inner ruins of the icy environment, we encountered a few Fatui Skirmishers and an idle little Ruin Guard at bay. As it was only (Y/N) and I, I couldn’t help but promptly activate the Ruin Guard. Ahaha, am I truly at fault for trying to use all our means to defeat an enemy? Although (Y/N) was quite appalled at the sight, my strategy was a success and the Fatui Skirmishers couldn’t even hold a candle to such a machine. Well... We were successful up until the Ruin Guard decided to put its sights on us right after. Truthfully, I had already expected this outcome... Though, what I didn’t expect was for the little library assistant to shove me away from the automation in an attempt to save me from its attack. Heh, I didn’t expect such a tiny being to hold such fervor in them. It’s a shame they’re confined to such an idle library when they’re fully capable of decimating a Ruin Guard on their own... It seems like I might have a recruit in tow. Though, I’m not sure I would like to be at the receiving end of their scolding twice. They’re full of surprises, calling their own captain overconfident and reckless to their own face— when they had started shedding a few tears out of their frustration at my carelessness… they’re truly quite fascinating.

About You: At the End, With You (Friendship Lv. 10)

(Y/N)... Truthfully, they had only been a source of passing entertainment for me. Tell me, since when exactly have they been a source of comfort as well? Since when did I come to the library in search of their company instead of for its silence? That... I cannot tell you. Hmm? Do you mean to tell me that my gaze has changed? Ever since that incident at Dragonspine, you say? Haha, it seems that you’ve caught me red-handed. It’s true that I hold (Y/N) dear to my heart, and truth be told, it was a tough decision to let them in. I suppose I’ve encountered my fair share of partings and where my loyalties lie is something I still ponder over... There will come a time when I will have to make an imperative choice between two sides of the same coin. As for (Y/N), I chose to be with them despite knowing what inevitably lies in store for me... It was simply because I have full faith that they’ll stay with me no matter which path I decide to take. You’re happy for me? Why thank you, Traveler. I know you’ve noticed my... inherent loneliness for quite a while now. Hehe, I believe it’s time to rest easy.

albedo kreideprinz

About You (Friendship Lv. 4)

(Y/N)? Ah, they’re certainly a faithful assistant. At first, they had only opted to observe a great deal of my experiments for fear of blunder. It took a while for their nerves to wear off, but once they were confident they wouldn’t err, they had made my results all the more worthwhile. Either way, knowing we share the same passion for uncommon knowledge makes them truly pleasant to work with. Although they may be quite uncoordinated at times, I have absolute faith in their exceptional abilities as an alchemist and most importantly, as my assistant.

More About Albedo: Experimental Mishaps (Friendship Lv. 5)

A number of people call me a ‘genius,’ but I don’t think I'm any ‘genius’ at all. Situated in the isolated environment of Dragonspine, most citizens haven’t seen the number of experimental mishaps that occur. Although my experiments may be dangerous, no one gets hurt most times. Ah... Actually, on one occasion my assistant, (Y/N), had a mild allergic reaction to one of my experiment’s ingredients. They were reduced to constant sneezing, to the point where I had to postpone the proceeding experiment due to their inability to function properly. Normally, I would be quite displeased at having time wasted like this however, it seemed that I had discovered an entirely new subject to study. (Y/N)... How was it possible for one’s cheeks to turn so ruddy in such a short period of time? Did their continuous sneezing prompt the sudden rush of blood in their facial structure? Truthfully, I didn’t notice I was staring at them quite intently until they had bashfully turned their trembling back on me, mumbling incoherent sentences... How could one’s backside seem so small in such a moment? To be able to hold such a fragile part of them... It wasn’t until they had decided to simply run away in embarrassment that I snapped out of my train of thought. To this day, I can’t help but wonder why my sentiments had landed on that specific matter...

More About Albedo: A Need for Data (Friendship Lv. 6)

(Y/N)... Ever since that experimental mishap, I have been inclined to study their disposition; with their consent of course. At the first mention of my proposal, they had quite an explosive reaction and dropped a few volumetric flasks on the floor. I paid it no mind, my attention simply on obtaining their response regarding the matter at hand. Seeing the crimson spill on their cheeks once more, my intrigue had been reignited... I was truly honored that (Y/N) had promptly agreed, albeit a bit bashfully. To formally start the process of this new experiment, I simply decided to sketch a portrait of (Y/N). I asked them to sit comfortably on their usual designated chair in the laboratory... I didn’t expect the process to last half a day- and even in that period of time, the portrait lay only half finished. Reflecting back, it seemed that I was dissatisfied with each stroke of my pencil... Nothing I did at that moment could accurately capture the scene in front of me. What was I lacking? The lighting was ample enough, the view of the laboratory was decent, the coat (Y/N) was wearing was simple and brought them enough warmth, their expression was lax and soft, their cheeks their usual ruddy color, their eyes... Ah, this was a variable I hadn’t expected.

About You: The Meaning of this World (Friendship Lv. 10)

When master had left me with my final assignment, I was completely lost. To find the truth and meaning of this world was something far beyond the limit of my abilities, I had believed it was beyond my being as well. Thus, the only task I was able to complete was the journey to Mondstat. Although deeming my final assignment almost impossible, there was nothing I could do but earnestly uncover the rest of the unknown, hoping to find at least a single clue. Relationships, especially ones that are built on love, had only been a trifling matter to me. I had once seen relations with people as taxing and time-consuming cycles... To be proven wrong by my own assistant, (Y/N), had been quite a pleasant surprise. Our relationship was certainly an experiment which yielded results that required an entire lifetime’s worth of attention… Thanks to them, I felt the refinement of my own emotions. Whenever they were with me, an influx of unknown feelings had garnered within my being and subconsciously, the urge to hold them close had overtaken the tedium of relations. I must ask you a question... when parents speak to their children about ‘the meaning of this world’, do they simply mean the pursuit of a happy life? This may only be wishful thinking, but if this was what master had intended... perhaps I may have already found the answer.

venti/barbatos

About You (Friendship Lv. 4)

(Y/N)! They have amazing taste when it comes to beverages of the alcoholic variety, after all, they’re the tavern’s best bartender! My sincerest apologies to Charles and Master Diluc themselves, but the way (Y/N) brews up your common Dandelion Wine and turns it into something special is truly worth a song or two. As we’re both avid alcoholics, it’s a given we both get along truly well— two peas in a pod I must say. Mwuhahaha... Don’t tell Master Diluc, but they like to sneak me some Apple Cider on the house, truly the kindest being to ever grace the lands of Teyvat!

More About Venti: The Dawn of the Winery (Friendship Lv. 5)

Ah, Traveler! By any chance, have you seen my darling (Y/N) around? My tummy sure is rumbling, but I can’t get caught pilfering food from Dawn Winery again... Usually, my brave little bartender would swoop in to save me during these times of hardship but it seems like they’re nowhere to be found. Hmmm, they must already be at the orchards waiting for me then. Hehe, they’ve always claimed to know me like the back of their hand after all. Shh... You mustn't say a word about this to Master Diluc, Traveler, but I can’t say this has been the first time (Y/N) and I snuck around like this. Ah yes, I can still remember the first time they’ve ever extended their kindness to a simple wandering bard such as me. The dawn of the day was still approaching and I had spent my entire night drinking away at the tavern! It was only until Huffman kicked me out did I realize just how famished I truly was... and that day I just so happened to have heard that Dawn Winery had just restocked their apple supply. Why, just the thought of it makes my stomach churn! Well... How should I put it? The chances of success for a drunkard bard such as I to be pilfering apples from an orchard are quite slim, right? It’s too bad I didn’t realize it then, but thankfully just as Master Diluc was about to catch me devouring the last of his fresh apples, my savior (Y/N) came down from the heavens and saved me. Ah, they could’ve handled me a bit better though, although I may be a drunkard, I’m still a person and absolutely not a sack of potatoes to be dragged around. Haha, I don’t mind at all though, considering that they apologized profusely afterwards and even offered to become my personal apple supply from that day on! At heart, they truly are a kind person. Reminds me of another good friend...

More About Venti: Perfect Places (Friendship Lv. 6)

Traveler! Oh my, our courageous Honorary Knight looks quite exhausted, it  must be hard running around the city quelling everyone's needs. Hehe, just between you and me, let me tell you the perfect place to take a quick rest. It’s quite a long way from the city, but the further away the better for you it seems... The view from the tip of Starsnatch cliff is absolutely breathtaking! Paired with the calm breeze that passes right through and you’ll definitely lull yourself to the land of the nod. Right in the dusk of the night when the moon is at its highest peak, you can often see me at the tip of the cliff munching on an exquisite apple. Hehe, you’ll find (Y/N) right beside me as well, who do you think brought the apple? I’ve written numerous songs about them to express my sincerest gratitude, but I don’t think any of them are worthy enough for my darling savior! After all, they serve me a few free drinks at the tavern, give me a whole bunch of fresh apples from Dawn Winery, and continuously choose to stay by my side... In the most innocuous moments, I can’t help but be consumed by an idle guilt stemming from memories long ago. To be with (Y/N), simply adoring the view of the stars above us, basking in the gentle touch of the winds, and happily exchanging petals of plucked cecilias, reminds me that perhaps his sacrifice wasn’t for naught... There are truly no melodies to describe how grateful I am for them. Hehe, it would be nice if the two of us could simply sit on that cliff edge forever.

About You: The Test of Time (Friendship Lv. 10)

To write a song is no easy task, but you’re in luck, after all, I’ve been crowned the “Most Popular Bard of Mondstat” three times in a row. Just look around you, Traveler! The lands of Teyvat are bountiful, its oceans vast, and its firmament ever-lasting— each gust of wind carries the memories of scenes that pass through time and if the citizens of Mondstat would just look around them, they would see that there’s no shortage of inspiration at all! After all, every living being deserves a name to be called upon and woven into a song. Hmm? You want to know about my latest work of inspiration? Ohoho, you’re in luck, my dear friend! Ah, my dearest (Y/N)... It’s truly a shame that songs are confined to a few minutes, there are too many words I want to say to you. Oh Traveler, It’s been a great many years since I felt this arduous passion burning inside me... It’s a feeling I’ve truly missed and I must say I owe it all to my charming savior. To have lived a millenium, I’ve overseen the growth of this city right from the moment it rose forth. I’ve met countless people, both pleasant and unpleasant... It’s been long since I’ve seen someone as kind and as courageous as them. No being is immortal, Traveler, and everyone will soon face an inevitable end. Even if I may be the Anemo Archon, not even I can prolong the lives of those I hold dear to me... and perhaps even I may meet my own fate. To stand the test of time is a wish everyone prays for... I may simply be a passing wind in this longstanding land, but the tunes I leave behind is a mark that no erosion can erase. Remember me, not as Barbatos, but as Venti, a simple wandering bard whose songs he dedicates to his most beloved, (Y/N).

a/n. I think I messed up albedos character AND lore completely. FORGIVE ME!!! he had to be the hardest to write between all the mondstat boys... also i think that it was a bit harder to write established relationships with these ppl so naturally i had somehow made it a friends to lovers typa thing! once again FORGIVE ME IF IT WASNT WHAT U GUYS EXPECTED :<< I am the queen of mischaracterizing genshin men

[bookishwithathought]

ACOSF Bonus Chapter Breakdown Part IV - Azriel and Rhys

Part I - Azriel and Elain:

https://www.tumblr.com/bookishwithathought/749493410186117120/acosf-bonus-chapter-breakdown-part-i-azriel-and?source=share

Part II - Azriel and Elain:

https://www.tumblr.com/bookishwithathought/749514748072263680/acosf-bonus-chapter-breakdown-azriel-and-elain?source=share

Part III - Azriel and Rhys

https://www.tumblr.com/bookishwithathought/749608980299612161/acosf-bonus-chapter-breakdown-azriel-and-rhys?source=share

**This is just me, analyzing the life out of the bonus chapter and all the possibilities. My thoughts and no one else's. If you agree, great. If you disagree, love it. If you want to share why you disagree, love it even more. If you are disrespectful while disagreeing, I kindly request that you move along, and if you insist you will be left to argue with yourself**

I think Az is projecting here. He felt like he was not good enough for Mor, and she didn't show any interest in him.

From ACOWAR (emphasis mine):

“It wouldn’t have been fair to him. So I slept with Cassian, and Azriel thought I deemed him unsuitable, and then everything happened and …” Her fingers tightened on mine. “After Azriel found me with that note nailed to my womb … I tried to explain. But he started to confess what he felt, and I panicked, and … and to get him to stop, to keep him from saying he loved me, I just turned and left, and … and I couldn’t face explaining it after that. To Az, to the others.”

Why is Rhys being so persistent in his challenge of Azriel's reasoning and actions?

Possibilities:

Rhys knows that Azriel has longed for the mating bond/love for so long that his frustrations are starting to spill over and wants to stop Az from using Elain to release that frustration

Rhys wants to keep Elain from being thrown into Azriel's personal issues and potentially be hurt in the process

Rhys is challenging Az to think through his feelings instead of letting them override reason, to think about future consequence

I personally fail to see how one can read this and deny that Azriel isn't thinking long term with Elain.

He said nothing because he has no objection to Rhys's counterarguments. Because Azriel knows Rhys is reading him and his intentions correctly and has run out of excuses.

Gotten that far...certainly not beyond fantasies...:

It's important to note the use of the word "certainly" here. There is a finality to it that confirms Azriel hasn't even once considered a future life with Elain. There's a lack of permanence in Azriel's intentions toward Elain.

Azriel is thinking of the immediate. He has needs and wants that are rushing out after centuries of containing them and he wants release. Him not thinking about Elain beyond finding that release is troubling, especially considering he has had about 2 years since they met to think of plans which he hadn't once.

The author could've given a hint of Az's thoughts on the future here, but purposefully didn't, pointing to there being no future for Azriel and Elain together.

Azriel challenges Rhys on this order because Rhys is pulling rank as his High Lord on he deems to be a private and personal matter.

Lucien could, but would he?

From ACOWAR:

But understand while you may be her mate, Elain is my sister. I’ll do what I must to protect her from further harm.” “I would never hurt her.” A bleak sort of honesty in his words.

Invoking the Blood Duel could potentially hurt Elain, either by Lucien killing Azriel, tainting their connection by blood, or by being killed because Elain would be negatively impacted by his death.

On the bond, from ACOWAR:

Even Nesta seemed relatively concerned. Not for him, no doubt, but the fact that if he were hurt, or killed … What would it do to Elain? The severing of the mating bond … I shut out the thought of what it’d do to me.

Based on what we know of Lucien, he would not go to such extremes, instead respecting Elain's choices.

Azriel showing this level of disregard for Lucien is problematic. Lucien is Feyer's friend and attends their social gatherings. He works as a courtier/emissary for the Night Court. Lucien works directly with Azriel by providing reports to him. He is bonded to Elain and Azriel, being quite familiar with how the bond works and how it can affect the mates, knows it could hurt her if Lucien were killed. And yet, he is so blinded by his desires that he cannot see how unreasonable he is being. This shows Azriel is only thinking of himself.

*Love isn't selfish or destructive.*

Considering all the connections tied to Lucien, it makes sense Rhys would react with such ferocit and he is correct.

Kill Lucien and it gives Beron reason to come after the Night Court, or push him toward allying with others against the NC.

Kill Lucien and whatever effort Rhys has put into restoring the Spring Court is for nought, and it would give Tamlin reason to stand against the NC

Kill Lucien, who is working closely and living with Jurian and Vassa, and the NC loses that alliance and the human support that comes with it.

The last statement to this section is crucial and worth noting. If Rhys is indeed reading Azriel correctly, and Rhys advises Az to go to a pleasure hall if he needs sexual release, then it heavily suggests, if not confirm, Azriel pursuing Elain is only lust and frustration.

Again, this was a great place for the author to show Az's feelings toward Elain. Azriel could've verbalized an objection to Rhys's implication that it's only lust, or we could've glimpsed into thoughts of objection, but there is no response.

"Panting after her": word choice is very important. Rhys reduces Az's intent toward Elain to "panting". Strongly suggests lust.

Earlier in the chapter we see Azriel comment he only lets Rhys see the rage within because he can match it, and we see that in play throughout their interaction, coming to conclusion here.

Azriel had entered an unhealthy place mentally and emotionally, and Rhys was able to bring him back to reason.

To be continued...

[lovestuckyhatemarvel]

Apologies, but I’m about to over analyze a very old meme in the middle of the night because I can’t sleep. And I’m about to talk about the lord of the rings movies more than the books because even though I’ve read the books, I’ve watched the movies more. Also, the meme is about the movies, so leave my tired ass alone.

So I kind of hate the fellowship at 100% vs 99% strength meme because I’ve seen people talk about it seriously and I think that’s a fundamental misunderstanding of the way the characters function in the story. Like I’m sorry but if you think any single character in the fellowship is more important than the others instead of just a personal favorite, you’re just textually wrong. And this is about to get long so brace yourself. But also if you hate long things, why the fuck are you here?

Aragorn and Sam are spectacular characters that are necessary to the success of the mission but not disproportionately to the whole. Because the whole is the point. The fellowship is the point. Even Boromir, whose direct actions are arguably the least due to dying early, has long reaching effects even after his death. If Boromir was never there, things don’t go the same and may not even go as well long term. Does Aragorn even accept his role as much or as quickly if he doesn’t have Boromir’s dying breath calling him his king? I’d argue no. However I will admit that this character is the one I have the least arguments for other than ‘trust me, bro’ and ‘that’s my baby, and I’m really proud’ while exhausted.

I feel silly even pointing out what Gandalf’s impact is since he’s the reason the journey can even start to begin with. Without him, Frodo gets a weird ring from Bilbo and then dies before he’s 50 because he treats it like a random trinket and is the easiest target the Nazgûl have ever tracked. Gandalf also saves the entire fellowship from the Balrog and is the reason King Théoden becomes available as an ally instead of being God’s crustiest hindrance. In general, the intricate removal of Saruman’s direct impact requires a wizard. Also, if he’s not there, who gets that world’s greatest grandpapa mug I made?

Legolas and Gimli are married so I’m talking about them together. Beyond the fact Gimli almost becomes Galadriel’s favorite side ho, the two don’t have a ton of solo story beats in the movies. However, what they lack in specific moments they make up for by being absolute monsters on the battlefield. Aragorn can’t do most of the shit he does without my gay uncles backing him up. There are literal battles that would have failed and in a war where they’re already outnumbered and outmatched, you actually can’t afford more loss.

Merry and Pippin are eternal besties so they’re also getting talked about together. Initially they’re treated as comic relief and at times even a hindrance in the movies, but they do step up. The Ents go to war because of Merry and Pippin. And the Ents are necessary for dealing with Isengard. Take them out and the war still has an orc factory that can just overwhelm the war with numbers alone. They also have direct impacts on Gondor and Rohan in ways I’m too tired to get into. Also, Pippin sings like an angel even when a gross old man is eating in grossest way possible. Talent. He has the range.

And now we’re down to the main crux of serious arguments I’ve seen. Sam and Frodo. Both of them ring bearers. Is Sam way more important than Frodo? Absolute not.

So Sam is arguably an amazing character, but don’t get it confused. Sam would have never volunteered to take the ring to Mordor, didn’t actually handle the ring’s direct influence well, and also would have gotten rid of Gollum.

Because psych!!! This next part is actually about how Gollum, Frodo, and Sam are three sides to a triangle you can’t remove any part of lest it falls apart completely! Take that, M Night Shyamalan, there’s a new mediocre and fully telegraphed twist in town!!!

Frodo has the initial willingness to take the ring to be destroyed and endures the ring better than literally anyone else. Basically everyone else either gives unhinged talks about what they’d do with the power before they ever touch it or they touch it for 10 seconds and go full Rick Astley. Frodo carries it for days and even wears it a few times before he sees Galadriel and is still capable of trying to give it away. That in itself is extraordinary and cannot be understated. Like that’s the willpower of a god. Put some respect on that.

Frodo, because of his connection to the ring and awareness of its impact, desperately wants to believe Gollum can be saved. After all, that means that he can be saved, and so he does everything in his power to keep Gollum around and get him better. This means they have a guide and when it comes down to it, the reason the ring is destroyed at all. Because Gollum is the one to ultimately, if by accident, destroy the ring. You need Frodo to carry the ring and get Gollum there, you need Sam to get Frodo there, and you need Gollum to destroy it.

And another plot twist that’s not a twist at all at all, but while there’s no part of the fellowship that you can remove and still win, the fellowship itself cannot succeed without 1246885356 other moving parts. Elrond, Arwen, Galadriel, Théoden, Éomer, Éowyn, Faramir, Treebeard, Grima fucking Wormtongue, and dozens of others, some who don’t even get directly named in the trilogy, are all important. They’re all necessary. And there are even more moving parts in the books. Pour one out for my very good friend, Forest God Tom Bombadil. He’s not dead, I just think him and his trees would like a drink.

The point of the whole goddamn thing is that no one can do this mission alone. None of them. Yeah, not even Sam or Aragorn. It’s a fellowship and it’s about that connection and that community. There are themes.

[pouncequick]

Left the job I've been at for almost exactly nine years today. I didn't build my department there from the ground up, but I was the one who grew it beyond what anyone imagined it would turn into. I invested so much blood, sweat, tears, hours of overtime, care, and communication into it, turning it into something absolutely integral. Not just to the institution--the joy of my work is that it has huge real-world impact. Sometimes immediate, often long term. The world is genuinely better because of what I facilitate; people's lives are better. I'll never know any of the details, but that's okay.

I get to go do similar work someplace else with an actual team, instead of struggling on my own with no backup. People I've been working with for nine years, who know me and I know them and we all feel great about the fact I'm joining their group. But I'm leaving behind something I built, put more of myself in then any nonhuman thing in my life, something I had almost complete solo control over.

And I'm only just realizing how much my old job is panicking over losing me, because I was the sole person doing something absolutely integral, managing something with billions of pieces of sensitive data and millions of grant dollars. That's a situation that never should have been allowed to happen, that I begged not to have happen because it was so untenable and so exhausting. It would have taken so little to keep me there. I was so invested; I'm still so invested. I love so much of it, and even what I don't love is still so important to me. But no one would listen when I told them I was drowning until I built myself a ladder to climb out and walk away.

I hope everything goes well. I did everything in my power to leave things in the best possible place. I hope this because it would hurt people if it fails--people not connected to the job or the institution or me, but just benefit from the work we do. I hope it because even if I'm not there, I built this and I want what I built to work. I hope it because I've invested too much to watch it fail. I hope it because as frustrated as I am at the institution, I care about the other people caught up in it.

I hope my new job is amazing. I hope I'm right about how much I'll enjoy the work and the slightly shifted focus. I hope I'm right about how much I'll enjoy being a part of big (for my niche) team. I hope I'm right about how much the added benefits will help me and my family.

I hope I was right to walk away. I hope I'm right about where I chose to go. I hope this will finally start making things better for my family, that I won't panic at trying to figure out how to pay for swimming lessons for my kid. We'll never be able to do whatever, but it would be nice to feel secure doing a little.

I hope I'll no longer lose months of vacation time a year, because I can't take a break. I hope I'll stop working evenings and weekends. I hope I'll be able to sleep better and laugh more and finally eventually actually relax a little.

I hope.

[turtlespancake]

I think we should really talk about "Anything you post on the internet stays on the internet forever" in terms of art. Because it does but also it doesn't.

When you post art online, you HAVE to be ready for the fact that other people will see it. I know that sounds obvious, but I cannot stress that enough. People will misinterpret you work. People with Understand your work in ways that are gratifying beyond belief. People can be mean online. People can be annoying online. People can be kind and supportive online. Sometimes something you pour your heart into can go mostly unnoticed. Sometimes something you spent five minutes on can blow up beyond your wildest dreams. If you're posting art PUBLICALLY online, you have to accept that any and all of these scenarios can happen. Not everyone will get famous in a day. Not everyone will get famous full stop. If you just want the attention, you have to be prepared for the fact that you may not get it. Similarly, if you just want to hide in your little OC corner with your 3 mutuals, you have to be prepared for the fact that a person, or many people who you've never met could see it too.

We are our own worst critics. If a fan said to you the same things you say to yourself, it'd be worth reporting. "This is cringe and fail and had no effort put into it" is something "normal" for an artist to say to themself but would be worth a block if said by a stranger. When streaming services make shows permanently unavailable bs reasons, it's a tragedy. Yet when you take your own animations off of YouTube for your own arbitrary reasons, it's fine and justified. Lost media only counts if it's big, polished studio projects obviously.

Some of my favorite videos on YouTube were made by accounts with under 100 subscribers. Some of my favorite animations and art pieces are genuinely gone from the internet, either because the artist took them down or they got a copyright strike from YouTube or something along those lines. I will likely never see them again, and it bothers me to no end. You have NO idea what impact your art has on people. You may never know. But you HAVE to trust your audience when they say they liked something.

Common reasons people delete their art:

"It was old and bad." You will inevitably get better and learn new things as you keep drawing, but that doesn't mean what you did in the past was necessarily terrible. Even if it was, sometimes it can be fun to see an artist's journey! Plus, if you consistently delete your art once it hits a certain age, it can make it hard for your audience to trust you. How are people supposed to enjoy your new art knowing that there's a 50/50 shot they'll never be able to view it again given enough time?

"It's cringe and embarrassing and I didn't put enough effort into it!" If it's really that bad, no one would look at it. There's value in all art, even if it's "objectively bad" or "cringe." One man's trash is another man's treasure and all that. Plus, just because it's "bad" in one regard doesn't mean it's not phenomenal in another. An animation with problems staying on model can still have fantastic timing. An illustration with confusing lighting can still be beautifully composed. All art is flawed, and all art has its merits. If someone is looking at a piece long enough to notice its mistakes, it means they've been staring at it because they already like it. Please, believe your audience when they say they enjoy something.

"People keep reposting my art without my permission." That genuinely sucks, but how does taking down the original copy help matters? If people are stealing credit from you, getting rid of the original copy -- and effectively the evidence that this really is your art, and no one else's -- won't help. If it's already being reposted, it's not like taking down the original will stop the reposting either since people can just do reposts of reposts. I get the frustration, I really really do!! But taking down your original copy won't stop the problem.

"It's nothing like my other art and I don't create things like this anymore." Not every fan of yours has to be a diehard who looks at/enjoys everything you've ever made. If someone wants to come watch your one warrior cats meme from 2011 when everything else on your YouTube channel has nothing to do with that, then let them enjoy that one video and be on their way. You're not a brand, you don't need to be consistent all the time every time.

"I don't want the attention anymore." That's understandable, but there's other ways of taking eyes off of you than nuking your entire gallery. All hype and drama will inevitably fade with time, and the mute button is your best friend.

"It didn't get enough attention." And you think deleting your art will help you get more attention or something? Some posts take a while to really get going, especially here on tumblr. Not to mention social media is NOT a true indicator of skill or emotional impact. There are professional artists who get 10 likes. There are kids drawing in MS Paint who get millions of likes. If you stay online enough, you'll see both examples a million times over. Don't let a flop post discourage you, and don't give up on a post too soon.

Please, if you're an artist on the internet, be kind to yourself. Young or beginner artists on here, this ESPECIALLY applies to you. You have no idea how you can inspire others. Don't let a few jerks on the internet or your harsh inner critic convince you your art isn't worth seeing, because I PROMISE you it is.

[andstilliam]

it’s hard with the gut issues/ impaction. i really can’t do much without provoking discomfort and i don’t have the drugs that could help this….. it just makes me sick how we’re all just winging it and failing miserably at this. there is a way to make the process of eating more bearable, even exciting but without help, like, it’s a very long process. first of all, i never should’ve been purging for 9 years of my life. that is just fucking insane. secondly, going through all the phases of essentially learning how to eat regularly and then what to eat, what not to eat, how much and when, like that’s a process that changes over time based on your circumstances. but it’s the fact that we start out missing that knowledge and there’s no help for the application process so we always start out wrong. the process of correcting these errors takes several years and it will never be perfected. generally speaking, it can’t be, but it could come close. i believe that it could absolutely come close if the support was there. so it just makes me sick to watch. i’ve done the thing. i’ve done all the things. and the overexercise and large portions just isn’t cutting it. that’s not a mistake i can do again given how badly it affected my gut or rather exacerbated what was already wrong in the first place. and it can be part of the process for some people but it’s honestly a process that doesn’t need to happen to begin with because it’s faulty. so it’s like really shitty watching people go through that because i just went through it. restriction by itself isn’t any better but the reality is, it’s the closest thing we have to “recovery” and eating better. if you can eat throughout the day, you’re kind of halfway there. it’s not a completely novel experience than if you’re doing otherwise i.e. b/p, overexercising, fasting etc. ultimately it’s just safer and less chaotic. so i am now living the goal i had in mind. so things have improved since like May for instance but it’s been quite the lengthy process and it’s not over yet. 

i don’t have the health privilege to exercise like that anymore. i don’t want to push myself. i’ve already achieved my running goals. like i’ve done it. what i haven’t done is low weight mainetance and finding stability with my diet. so that’s my current goal. the body doesn’t want to overexert itself with excess movement. that’s why the olympics exist because it’s the outliers that push their bodies to extremes and do beautiful things with it. but these athletes, they dedicate their lives to their craft….they have dieticians, physical therapists and coaches. they’ve got all the support. full body massages 3x a day, they’ve got chefs doing the cooking and meal prepping for them, they’ve got surgeries and xrays right away whenever something goes wrong. you know, that’s not my life. i don’t have that and i will never have that because i’m not an olympian. so it’s like less = more because it’s sustainable. if i run under 5km today, i can honestly run every single day for 365 days if i choose to and i can totally succeed at that because i’m not pushing my body beyond its current limits. 

so that’s really my goal in terms of weight loss as well. i just can’t gain any of this back. fuck appearance, i just can’t put my body through this constant weight cycling and i’m not gonna buy fat clothes to then get disgusted i fit into that and then donate it and then wait to fit into X clothing for the 6th time of my life, like i just can’t live my life on an endless loop like that. how about just fitting into those jeans once and for all, not having to buy additional sizes, not having to avoid the mall for years, then spend everyday at the mall once in a blue moon because i like myself again and then i hate myself again and then i love me and then i hate me and then i love me again and then i fucking hate myself all over again. it’s just too fucking much to live like that. 

so yeah, i’m never gaining the weight back. this is my life now whether or not my poor overall baseline health has forced me here or i’ve done it myself, or whatever multiple factors are at play. i am not suffering for another day with my weight or my body image. and i find that peaceful. there is peace in acceptance even if it’s not what you initially thought was the definition of peace. peace is personal, not societal, not universal. it’s what is peaceful to you. it probably could be different. it has the potential to be, in a perfect world. but i’m not living in that world. i have what i have and i am who i am. 

[spacexfucker]

Theres something weird to me about the "glass child" stuff and while I do totally believe that parents can emotionally neglect other children in favor of kids who need more focus, I also feel like it removes framing of disabled children and the fact that their needs are frequently more intensive than non disabled children.

My parents played favorites growing up and frequently forgot to even notice if I was home for days at a time. So I get the inherent negatives of emotional neglect. But the way I see some frame being a glass child online specifically in relation to a disabled sibling comes across as super abelist sometimes.

In relation specifically to time spent and accommodations. Like, a parent may have to spend double the amount of time with their disabled child for things like appointments or to be a carer for feedings and bathing etc but that doesn't automatically display neglect. A disabled child receiving more complex care doesn't mean neglect is taking place.

Disabled children do often need more care and time than other non disabled children do. And as long as emotional needs are met and time is still being spent, parents needing to reschedule events or spend more time with their disabled child isn't inherently bad. It's necessary.

I think it makes me uncomfortable because some of the ways I've seen people talk about this comes across as if the disabled child came out on top or benefited. Which just isn't the case? By nature of being disabled, the disabled child has no say in how their lives play out nor in what their parents do. I promise disabled children don't typically relish in the many different appointments and procedures and the dependency they have that goes beyond dependency of nondisabled kids.

There's obviously nuance here. I'm not makings sweeping statements. I'm just a little wary in general because abled people have a tendency to make disabled people's disability a personal trial. Where parents or siblings act like the disability impacts them more than it impacts the actual disabled person.

In a lot of those conversations I see a lot less of "my parents didn't make time to make sure I was ok" and more "due to having to take care of a disabled sibling, my parents didn't have time to make sure I was ok" which moves framing off the parents in terms of responsibility and onto the disabled child for existing. The implications being that if the child hadn't been disabled, things would have been different. When it should be that parents are responsible for fixing their shortcomings.

The fact of a family having a disabled member is not the defining factor of parental neglect. Because parental neglect can happen without disability being present. The neglect felt from parents who happen to have a disabled child is not due to having a disabled child. And in fact, would likely have occurred with any other additional stressors like finances, community, living situations, etc.

But a disabled child is not responsible for the neglect that parents inflict. And frequently, parents are neglecting both the abled child and the disabled child. Rates of abuse with disabled people is so high.

Framing this neglect would be best done with the full condemnation on the parents. Disabled children do not ask to be disabled and they do require more focused care. It's the parent's job to balance that with caring for their abled children.

I've seen a lot of these conversations steer into "my poor parents" territory. Using disabled children as a boogeyman that turned your mom into a forgetful wisp. But that's not true. The mom was always a forgetful wisp who couldn't support all her children under any additional pressures. The dad is still the asshole for failing to play catch enough.

As someone who was also neglected, I don't blame my siblings who were favored. I have other qualms with them due to interpersonal issues. But the favoritism and neglect were parental functions. Subsequently, I only blame my parents for those things.

Up until fairly recently (and to a slightly lesser extent now (but still prevelant)), disabled children very frequently were and are just removed from their homes and put into institutions. Disabled people to this day have to fight against that harm and fight for disabled people to take up space. It's the actions and beliefs of abled people that crafted the way things currently work. And that system makes caring for disabled people harder (due to lack of funds or research or accommodation etc).

And so sometimes I think someone may see a disabled child getting more time spent as unfair *even when it's medically necessary time. Or see rearranging events for disabled children as proof of favoritism. And while feeling are valid in the sense that it's ok to have them, it's important to acknowledge that disabled people in general need those things. Disabled people with carers or underage disabled people need more time spent for appointments and hygiene and feedings etc. Disabled adults will also have to move around events when possible to make their participation possible. A disabled child needing those things isn't bad. It's bad when the parents do nothing to pivot to their abled child to check in and spend personal time.

[yeeyee-alumni]

Joel did not doom humanity (no matter how much the second game wants you to believe that)

To demonize Joel’s decision at the end of the first game (saving his surrogate daughter’s life) you need to bend over backwards and ignore any and all context the first game gave us with regards to who the Fireflies truly are. Because the truth of the matter is: a) they knocked Joel unconscious while he was trying to revive a young girl b) they drugged Ellie immediately to tear her body apart for their needs c) THEY DID NOT ASK ELLIE FOR PERMISSION to give her life for their cause, they didn’t even tell her she would have to die (Ellie was making plans with Joel after the giraffe scene, “Once we're done, we'll go wherever you want. Okay?”, clearly indicating she had no idea she would have to die) d) they did not let Ellie and Joel see each other to say their goodbyes e) they were about to walk Joel out into the wilderness without any of his gear/resources, which during the zombie apocalypse is a certain death sentence f) they didn’t hold up their end of the bargain (remember how Marlene promised Joel guns in return for delivering Ellie?) So even if you show them as much goodwill as possible, the Fireflies are still a bunch of assholes. If the exact opposite had happened, they let Joel go all on good terms and then he suddenly decided to turn around and murder everyone I would have called him a terrible person, but that is not what happened. As it stands, the Fireflies are shady and questionable at best. But it actually gets worse:

a) the procedure that would 100% kill Ellie had an incredibly low success rate (the doctor mentioned in his recording that every previous operation with other test subjects had failed) b) the same recording mentions cerebrospinal fluid having been extracted, meaning they were capable of performing a non-lethal spinal tab, but they’re unable to perform a non-lethal biopsy or craniotomy on Ellie? (this may seem like nit-picking, but actually further solidifies my point about how incompetent the Fireflies/Abby’s dad were/was) c) to add to their immense incompetence, mere hours after receiving Ellie they decide to IMMEDIATELY KILL THE ONLY PERSON KNOWN TO BE IMMUNE as oppose to keeping her alive for as long as possible to run every single test in existence on her. But let's paint a picture of the best case scenario, which is Jerry, the absolute legend that he is, actually manages to get a vaccine out of Ellie, what happens then? a) How are the Fireflies, who are nearly extinct at this point, supposed to MASS PRODUCE and NATIONWIDE DISTRIBUTE a vaccine? That is logistically impossible. b) More than likely, they would use the vaccine as a bargaining chip against FEDRA (granted, this is more a guess than a fact, but to believe they wouldn’t take advantage of the vaccine in the fight for political power against the government they’ve been fighting for years is beyond naïve). But let’s be even more generous: turns out the Fireflies are the most altruistic resistance group to have ever existed, they actually manage to produce and distribute the vaccine into every last corner of the country, everyone is immune. What now? a) You might be immune to spores and bites, but your immunity doesn’t help you when a clicker rips your throat out or a bloater crushes you to death, the infected can still kill you in numerous other ways. b) The faction wars going on are not gonna disappear overnight. WLF and Seraphites will continue to kill each other by the dozens every day, one could even argue that introducing a vaccine into the conflict would only cause things to escalate further. c) Numerous cannibals, hunters and bandits still roam the country, they will not abandon their practices overnight and they are arguably a much bigger threat than the infected to begin with. Just because everyone is immune does not mean that the world returns to sunshine, rainbows, and flowers. To imply that it would, means being simplistic and naive beyond reason. It should be obvious by now that Ellie’s death WOULD NOT HAVE IMPROVED ANYTHING. The chances of actually getting a vaccine are slim to none, the chances of vaccinating everyone are even more dour, and even then the overall situation would not improve much. With such bad prospects I wouldn't be willing to sacrifice my child either. (I am aware that an argument can be made that none of these factors had an impact on Joel’s decision to save Ellie, yet they’re still crucial when making a judgement about the Fireflies/Abby’s dad). To summarize: a) Abby’s dad was incompetent and a horrible person (his conversation with Abby in the second game tells us that he would not be willing to sacrifice his own child, but if it’s someone else’s it’s a-okay for him). b) The Fireflies were a malicious and incompetent terrorist group with messed up morals. c) No, Joel did not doom humanity. Subsequently, Abby’s quest for revenge was not justified because the Fireflies and her dad were never justified in their actions to begin with. And this is only solidified by the second game having to retcon the hell out of all these arguments I just painstakingly illustrated and explained in order to even attempt to have Abby’s motivation be seen as justified. Only one example being how it was clearly established in the first game that they had MULTIPLE doctors in Salt Lake City (Marlene: “The doctors tell me that the cordyceps, the growth inside her, has somehow mutated.”; Ellie: “She said that they have their own little quarantine zone. With doctors there still trying to find a cure.”). Yet in the second game we are told by

Abby that actually no, turns out her dad was the only doctor that could have developed vaccine. And it doesn't take mental gymnastics to see why the second game takes it upon itself to alter most of the context of the first one: to (retroactively!) condemn Joel. HOWEVER, a sequel doesn’t get to pick and choose which established facts from the first entry it builds upon or what it gets to retroactively declare as non-canon only to have it fit their preferred narrative. Quite frankly, that’s bad writing. A sequel, in order to be considered well-written, has to not only be a natural continuation of the events, but has to stay consistent with the characters and the world that were previously set up. And if you have to alter much of the context to make it look like Joel condemned the world, isn't that the most obvious sign that he never actually did? And all of this effort for just one goal: to justify Abby’s quest for revenge and yet it still wasn’t and here’s why: Joel killed her dad in order to PREVENT HIM FROM KILLING HIS DAUGHTER. Abby on the other hand WILFULLY SLOW TORTURED Joel for what appears to be hours, prolonging his death for as long as possible, all for her own gratification (and we won't mention how she went through with it despite Ellie's crying and pleading). And don’t even try to make the argument about Abby wanting “justice”, Joel didn’t torture her dad out of revenge or for his own gratification - this is not justice, this is simply sadistic. A man killing someone who is about to murder their child in semi-self-defense cannot be compared to someone wilfully slow torturing someone to death for their own gratification, like Jesus, I didn’t think I’d have to spell that one out. I am aware that the second game tries to do whatever it can, including retconning their own original story, to paint Ellie and (especially!) Joel as evil. And for a considerable amount of the player base this actually worked, and while I cannot find it in me to condemn them (we all experience stories differently after all), I reserve the right to reject arguments in defense of Abby such as “all people are forced to do bad things during the apocalypse” and “does context even matter?”. If the only way you can defend/justify Abby's actions is to remove all context and nuance, then your reasoning is built on quicksand.

[paddymoonstruck]

𝐰𝐢𝐬𝐭𝐟𝐮𝐥 𝐢𝐫𝐢𝐬𝐞𝐬┃𝐞𝐫𝐞𝐧 𝐲𝐞𝐚𝐠𝐞𝐫

chapter one

warnings: cursing, mentions of death, season 4/manga spoilers ??? (that’s about it, think!)

word count: 2,705

notes: this is the first installment of wistful irises !!! i guess it would be a slow-burn fic that would contain 5 or more chapters. i wrote this to cope with the tragedy of AOT manga chapter 138 — that’s just fucked up tbh.  please give this one a like/reblog/feedback so i know whether or not you liked it !!

NEXT CHAPTER: H E R E

𝐢𝐭 𝐰𝐚𝐬 𝐭𝐡𝐞 𝐨𝐧𝐞 𝐩𝐥𝐚𝐜𝐞 𝐭𝐨 𝐛𝐞 𝐭𝐡𝐞 𝐦𝐢𝐬𝐜𝐡𝐢𝐞𝐟, 𝐭𝐡𝐞 𝐠𝐢𝐟𝐭 𝐰𝐫𝐚𝐩𝐩𝐞𝐝 𝐬𝐮𝐛𝐮𝐫𝐛𝐚𝐧 𝐝𝐫𝐞𝐚𝐦𝐬

It was quiet — so eerily quiet, a hand came up to soothe her ears bitten by the cold wind. Devon’s palm felt at the rough rubbles on the surface of which she was sat on. Everything she laid eyes on tugged at her heart, scanning at her surroundings as if she looked one more time, her vision would change. 

Alas, she gazed upon the damaged cities from her place atop Wall Rose, with no success. Devon threw her head back, opting to find comfort at the stars that laid peacefully on the sky. 

“They’re dead.” She asserted, nearly winced at the wave of overwhelming devastation rushing at her heart. 

However, she was unsure who or what she was alluding to. Was it the people of Paradis? Those she lost? Or even — the stars?

Nothing was clear, at the moment. Only hurt and confusion clouded her devices. She found her palms closing in on the small rubbles she had caught, clutching them tightly in her fist.

It had been four years since everything went into a complete spiral. Perhaps it was for her alone, considering a massive part of her died along with the hundreds of comrades who sacrificed themselves for the sake of the truth. 

She remembered the day they found out about the life that existed beyond these walls. The walls she had known all her life, was quite literally, made to imprison its people. It was unclear whether she was angry or sad that there was a whole world out there that hated their existence so much that they’d created monsters to attack them. 

“It’s late, Devon.” 

She recognized that sweet-tuned voice instantly but didn’t turn to look his way as she spoke. “It’s awfully cold, too.” Her voice came in a whisper.

Her new companions footsteps grew closer, making her glance to her right. “Are you here to wallow in despair with me, Armin?” 

The blonde simply sat down beside his friend, looking ahead the dark path. “No,” He answered. “I was just looking for you.”

The silence returned after that. Chilly air wafting at the night, Devon laid her hands on her lap, inspecting how they’ve gotten small cuts from the sharp stone she had held. Her ears felt blocked as her hands began to tremble. She clenched her teeth in the hopes to ebb away her impending emotions. She exhaled a shattered breath, pressing her hands against the skin of her face. 

Armin’s hand that intended to ease Devon’s cries, seem to have worsen them the moment it touched her. However, he continued on, rubbing small circles at the column of her back. 

“I — “ Devon started, her voice failing her as another ripple of pain pounded at her chest. 

An encouraging hand reached up against her own, gently coaxing her into a state of solace, just enough for her to be able to convey her emotions.

With a breath, Devon began once more. “I thought we’ll be close to peace, once we discovered what was in that goddamn basement,” She laughed, lacking humor. The back of her palm wiping at the tears that had fallen on her cheeks. “But — it was just another door to one more disaster.” 

“That’s true,” Armin agreed, but still mulled over her words. “It is a big step from freedom, though.”

She gritted her teeth, baring the headache that came with it. There was a part of her that knew it was the exact idea Armin had in mind. Regardless of her understanding, she couldn’t help but feel a whistle of displeasure crawling against her lips.

With a swing of her head, she finally flashed her attention to Armin. Devon gave him a once-over, noticing how his once shoulder-length hair, had been cut shorter, lips curled into a frown, dragging down a creases on his forehead. The main thing that always saddened Devon was the look in his eyes.

Armin was the last person Devon thought she’d see with those haunting wisp. He was the last shred of hope she had in this world, even before everything came tumbling down, Devon saw Armin as a beacon, that she could run to whenever it all became horrifyingly dark— staring at him now, Devon felt extremely helpless, loneliness grasping at her throat, catching herself reaching for Armin’s hand that was placed on her back, snatching it on her own.

“We’ve lost so much,” She mumbled, compressing her grip on his hand. “I can’t afford to lose anything anymore— Armin—”

“You won’t—”

“— If we go tomorrow, I will—”

“Devon—”

“No— we’re going into a lion’s den! Every single person in that goddamn land wants us dead!” She stressed, leaning in closer to Arnim as if it’s bound to improve his comprehension.

Armin halted, observing the panic flood in Devon’s sunken eyes. The usual brilliance of its green hue had faded over time. In it’s place were tired, dull irises staring back at him.

He swallowed the lump building up his throat, nodding in understanding. “I know— but we have to bring him home, Devon.”

With a quick dark chuckle, Devon faced the sky, leaning her head back. “I don’t even know if I want to see him,”

Huffing out a breath Armin was holding, he abruptly got on his feet, pulling his hands from Devon’s freezing ones.

The latter flashed him a confused glance, awaiting his next move. She watched as Armin shook off his Survey Corps jacket, soon hanging it on her shoulders.

Maybe it was the topic of discussion that made them neglect the air that had been a lot chillier than before. Devon felt warmth seeping back into her skin as she hugged the material tighter against her body.

“You don’t seem to have a choice for the matter,” Armin muttered, gazing down at her. “Whether or not you’re in good terms with him, Eren still belong with us.”

Devon grimaced, as if Armin had said something completely ridiculous— in her eyes, it was.

She recalled that painful night, about three months ago. The night Eren decided to sneak out and leave Paradis. He had been babbling about it for weeks prior to his escape. Devon made the mistake of thinking it was all that— mindless babbling.

She was wrong, of course. Eren had actually planned everything. He was going to see through his stupid plan.

“Are being fucking serious right now?” Devon hissed, distressed eyes were scanning Eren’s face, hoping this was some sick prank he’d gotten everyone in.

Eren cringed at the volume of her voice, hands putting up immediately to cup her mouth. “Devon— Please— Listen, yeah?”

His pleas were met by deaf ears, as Devon slapped his plams away from his mouth, glaring at him with the outmost disbelief.

“You’re being stupid,” She scoffed. “This is stupid— Eren— You want to go there?” Her furrowed eyebrows deepened the more she thought about it.

Eren bit his lip, nodding slowly, standing rigid in front of her, frozen at the fire in her eyes. He examined her, sitting on her bed, contemplating the information he threw at her face.

The light of the single candle in the room, illuminated the left side of her face as she turned to him again. “What ever you think is going to fix this, it’ll only call for another war—”

“That’s nothing new.”

“You selfish—” She had lunged at him, limbs acting before her brain. “—little brat—!” An echo deafening resounded in the small enclosed space, rearing on the silence it followed. Devon’s palm stung, eyes raging and barely seeing anything beyond her seething anger.

Before she had the mind to process anything, her head banged against a solid surface, a groan leaving her lips from the impact.

Everything was fuzzy, scarcely making out anything at sight. Only cloudy images filled her vision, almost not feeling the bruising grip pressing her down by the wrists.

The searing breath near her ear, felt uncomfortably cold, a pair of lips grazing at the tip, making her shudder.

“For your own protection— all of you— remember that . . .”

The words echoed, but she could barely hear the last ones, as her breath turned calmer, the last thing she saw were those turquoise orbs, looking back at her with an emotion she couldn’t quite read.

Devon shook herself out of the memory. There was more to it, she knew that — but she couldn’t seem to remember. When she tries, a huge headache always came crashing down on her. A sick wave slapped her as she thought about the dreadful possibility of Eren, messing with her memories. 

She hated the big gapping wall in her mind. It was always incomplete, left her nothing but empty guesses about what else he could have said to her that night before he left her hanging with a missing piece in her heart. 

He left them — and just like that, he gets to come home in the most unnecessarily brutal way possible. Eren was asking for a bloodbath, and unfortunately, that was what most likely going to happen tomorrow.

“He’s going to get us killed.” She muttered, voice thinning at the thought of her fallen comrades — endless blood — fire — explosions — “We’ll be lucky if we all make it out in one piece.” 

This time, Armin didn’t contract her declaration, having her look down. He was frighteningly aware of the fact that any of them could die at any given moment. It brought him peril at how Devon had smacked him in the face with the reality he was trying to avoid. A part of him wanted to believe it was all going to go smoothly, but the logical part of him had mulled over the dreadful alternative for a long time now.

He sympathized with the hostile feelings Devon had grown for Eren. Perhaps it was due to the puzzling relationship they possessed. If he was to base it on his observations alone, it was painfully obvious that they cared deeply for one another but never had the time or courage to say it. 

No one has ever pried about their relationship, since they both dismissed it as nonsense. It was perplexing yet as clear as day what they had for each other. 

They would always be found bicker when they were younger, Devon calling Eren an ugly airhead then Eren shooting back that they were the same. Back then, it was true. They were kids who thought they could do everything themselves. Armin could say, Devon grew out of that attitude as time passed by when he got to know Devon a little better. 

After the battle with Zeke, Reiner and Bertholdt, the amount of trauma everyone endured was terrible. The bloody aftermath of Paradis was engraved into their minds, never fading until their last breath. 

The guilt ate at Armin when he found out how he came to be alive. He often wondered why it was him. Why did Captain Levi give him the chance to live over Commander Erwin. 

On the other hand, remorse gripped at Devon’s throat at the unintentional betrayal that crossed her mind that day. She found herself opening her mouth before she could hide it away. 

“I was so desperate for peace . . .” She whispered, yanking down Armin by his hands, his behind slamming against the hard concrete as he was forced to sit down in front of her. “That I . . . For a long time — I believed that only Erwin could lead us there —”

“It’s alright — “

“It isn’t — it was meant to make me happy, for goodness sake — you came back from the dead after I stood there and watch you get burned alive . . .” She failed to realize she was crying until she felt droplets of her tears falling on her hands, intertwined with Armin’s.

Looking away, she continued, Armin watching her carefully. “Mikasa and Eren were desperately convincing Captain Levi to resurrect you — while I stared at both yours and Commander Erwin’s body , absolutely loathing the choice that had to be made.” 

Devon could no longer hold in her heavy sobs, as it broke through her completely. “I get why you thought that, and you weren’t selfish for doing it, were you?” She listened to Armin’s reassuring voice. “You thought Erwin should’ve had it because you believed people would follow him and would avoid getting hurt — “

“ — you’d be able to do that too, though . . .” Devon countered, sniffling as she glanced back at Armin’s oceanic orbs. “I was just blinded by fear to think straight back then.”

Armin smiled at Devon in a silent gratitude. “I thought about everything you did, too, and maybe you’re right, maybe I’m too blinded by my own fears to face another life that was given to me — but I promised Captain Levi and Commander Hanji I’ll do everything it takes to bring us the peace we’ve been seeking out for years.”

Devon winced at the sudden touch on her head, chestnut locks swishing from one side after the other as Armin ruffled her hair. 

“Regretting could only get you so far,” Armin stated, a small smile gracing his face. “What’s important is what you decide to do about it.”

Warmth flooded at Devon’s core, nearly bursting into tears at Armin’s comforting words. Her mind went back to Eren, his circumstances and living conditions on that island were mostly unknown. But seeing as he had the facilities to send a letter, hints that it must be at the least safe.

She started to fly over the scattered thoughts inside her head, mulling over how mentally drained she has been, yet the noise and dull of her heart seem to only worsen. The countless times she had to convince herself of the good things left in the world to bask the gift of life, but lately, she found herself sitting by the windowsill of her room. Eyes always glancing up the sky whether or not they were painted with shining stars. 

Devon often clutched her chest when the uncontrollable pangs in her heart refuses to remain still. Some days, the rejection of waking up rattles her tremendously, and the refusal to face the day ahead was stronger than anything. 

She wanted nothing more than to take a few steps back and reverse time to relish the tranquility of it all. It sounded ridiculously selfish, but she’d trade anything if it means she would awake to Eren and Jean’s loud voices arguing or to see Sasha pocket goods she had stolen from the kitchen while being chased down by Armin. And oh — what she wouldn’t give to replay the day they’ve all bonded together after Keith Shadis made Sasha run until she was in the brink of insanity. 

It’s those little things that made her nostalgic, bringing a sad smile on her lips that she wasn’t sure if she wanted those thoughts randomly popping up her mind. Sometimes, disbelief hits her harder than anything whenever she’d allow herself to scan the faces of what’s left of her teammates. 

When Erwin had told them, he knows “they’d one day go far and achieve great things”, if he was still here, Devon would surely make him look at what had become of them. 

Everyone was preparing for the expedition in Marley tomorrow. Devon had exited the room when she had heard the severity of the situation. Eren was going to wreck havoc in that foreign island and he gave them no other choice than to lend him aid. 

It was rather conflicting, Devon was worried for him but nonetheless, despised his living-breathing self. She often wondered about his whole motive, considering his adamant proclamation that it wasn’t for his own self-indulgence. 

It felt like it was, as she began to feel the shuddering screams of the impending battle that was set to take place. 

If another life of her loved one’s taken from her tomorrow, she fears that it might throw her in an unstable state and she had every right to blame it all on Eren.

[yoditorian]

close to what

frankie morales/reader

as part of @din-damn-djarin‘s birthday song challenge, i picked dancing under red skies by dermot kennedy. it’s a favourite song of mine, i think it’s beautiful, and i felt like it fit this idea i’ve had swirling around for a little bit. this fic is extremely personal to me but it’s also not pretty. i don’t want to romanticise addiction or use it as a plot device, so PLEASE READ THE WARNINGS.

the support group and hospital drop-off box is drawn directly from my own experience. my inbox and ask box are always open if you need to talk, but i am by no means a professional. if you are struggling with themes of this fic a quick internet search should help you find resources local to you 💛

main masterlist

word count: 3.2k // warnings: addiction, PTSD, nightmares (inc. death mentions), recovery and relapse, therapy mentions, hospital mention, references to past substance abuse, implied reader is in addiction recovery, swears probably, ‘they’ as a pronoun in reference to the reader

Your ringtone is obnoxiously loud in the darkness of your bedroom but at least that means you don’t have to worry about where it is, reaching out blindly towards your nightstand where it blares by your head.

“You’re from the group thing, right? He’s mentioned you a few times.”

You don’t recognise the voice on the other end, maybe you should have checked who it was before answering. You pull the phone away from your ear for a second and glance at the time first, 4:03am. No call at four in the morning can involve good news. But it’s the name on the screen that has you wide awake in a split second: Frankie. 

“Is he okay?” You ask, putting whoever it is on speaker while you fumble for the lamp on your bedside table. An old sweater hangs over your bedpost, the logo of a sports team you’ve never heard of cracked and faded beyond recognition, and you tug it over your head in a panic.

“I don’t know, he’s locked himself in the bathroom. I just- he won’t come out. He won’t listen to me, he always listens to me.”

There’s a stifled something and a quiet knock. But no sound from Frankie, just the shaking sigh of the man you’re speaking to. He tells you his name quietly, Santiago, and you remember Frankie mentioning his oldest friend. An image pops up in your mind as you wrestle your jeans on, a fuzzy picture on Frankie’s phone screen, passed to you over the sticky table in a diner, of two men standing knee-deep in a river. Soaked to the bone but grinning ear to ear. Pope’s got him, if no one else has. That’s what he told you.

You stay on the phone with Santiago on the drive over, convincing yourself it's out of concern for him instead of the anxiety churning in your stomach. Frankie still makes no sound in the bathroom, the door stays locked, and you try not to think too hard before you have all the facts.

The Santiago that meets you at Frankie’s front door is a far cry from the man in the photograph. He looks exhausted, on the verge of tears. You’re pretty sure you’re not faring much better. 

“Last door,” He breathes, “Down the hall.”

You follow his instructions, finding the only closed door in the hallway and tapping lightly on the painted wood. Listening for a moment, you can just barely hear a shuddering breath. That’s better than nothing, at least it means he’s alive.

“Frankie?” You try, praying that he’ll relent when he realises it’s you. Santiago stands at the other end of the hall, wringing his hands together, phone trapped between his ear and his shoulder as he whispers frantically into it. He barely catches himself from crashing to his knees when the bathroom door clicks softly. 

“Can I come in?” You have to ask him. All this has to be on his terms, he has to set the boundaries. Anything less than that is dangerous, you won’t risk him hurting himself. 

He says nothing, but the door pulls back just a fraction of an inch and that’s all the confirmation you need. You push the door open enough to slip inside and shut it softly behind you again. 

Frankie’s sitting on the floor, his back against the bathtub and legs stretched out in front of him. A quick look over proves he’s not hurt, and you’d breathe a sigh of relief if it weren’t for the little ziplock bag between his knees. 

He’s very pointedly not looking at it, or you, instead choosing to glare at a spot on the ceiling. You maneuver yourself to sit opposite him, against the wall with your knees tucked up against your chest. 

“Did you take any?” It almost feels wrong to break the silence that’s settled over the two of you.

You wait with bated breath until he gives the slightest shake of his head. He hasn’t touched it. Okay, that’s the worst case scenario eliminated. It’s enough to have your heart rate calm a little, it doesn’t make things better by a long shot, but at least it’s something.

“Do you want to tell me what happened?” You ask, picking at a loose thread of your sweatshirt. 

His chin falls to his chest and he pulls his knees up towards him and you’re sure this is it. This is where you lose him. But Frankie takes a deep breath. And then another. And then, he musters the courage to look you in the eyes. He doesn’t see pity, not like he thought he would. You don’t look disappointed or upset or angry, the way he was so sure you would be. You’re just waiting, letting him take the reins, he stores the knowledge away. In case he ever needs to dig you out.

“I don’t know what happened,” God, his throat is scratchy, “I just- I had a bad night. And I called Pope, and then-”

He breaks off with a heart-wrenching crack in his voice and you can’t help but reach out to him. Just a hand, stretched across the space between you. He holds onto you like his life depends on it.

“And I remembered I kept a bag on top of the medicine cabinet. And now you’re here.”

It’s to the point, simple, methodical. Like he’s back in the army and giving a flight report to his CO. You wonder if that’s what he needs right now, maybe spelling things out is better for him than asking what it is you can do. It’s easier, sometimes, when someone just tells you what’s going to happen. 

“Do you want to take it?” You have to know, for his safety if nothing else. You need him to tell you if there’s going to be a problem, if there’s a risk and he needs more than you. He knows you’re not going to walk out the door and give up on him if he says yes. 

It has to be his choice. 

Frankie shakes his head again, a grimace on his face like he feels sick at the thought, and you squeeze his fingers between yours. You need him to understand that he hasn’t failed, that he won’t fail. Tripping up and falling behind are part of the process, and you know he knows that. He’s been going to the support group longer than you have. Recovery is messy and far from simple. He’ll get back to where he was, one bad night isn’t going to ruin him.

Your lower back aches from the hardwood floor but you show no sign of discomfort, waiting until Frankie is completely back in his own head before you make any move to suggest where to go from here.

“There’s a drop-off box at the hospital, you fancy a drive?” You keep his hand in yours, terrified that he’ll slip back if you let go. 

God, he hates this. He hates that he can’t even look at you for more than a few seconds without his resolve threatening to crack. He hates that you’re not angry at him for any of it, not even a little bit. He deserves anger, he deserves your disappointment.

You were never supposed to see him like this, that much he’s sure of. Or, he convinced himself of at least. He’s been going to group and therapy and he’s kept up his tests and he’s stayed far away from anything that might even tempt him a little. And that was before you even showed up. Standing awkwardly in the doorway with a nervous smile and eyes the size of dinner plates. But he’d been by your side in a flash, asking you to give him a hand setting up chairs, and that was it. 

Frankie knows the ins and outs of recovery, you don’t need to tell him that he hasn’t failed. But he can’t help feeling like maybe he never really started in the first place, leaving that one bag out of sight. Life had been busy enough to preoccupy him, between everything else he kind of just forgot about it. He let it gather dust and it should have stayed that way. 

And then, it felt like he was falling out of the sky. And he couldn’t do a thing to stop it.

Nightmares aren’t an unusual thing for him, or for any former soldier, but the memories they stem from seem to warp into something else entirely when he’s too tired to pay attention. Sometimes he’s alone in the helicopter, sometimes he’s with family, sometimes strangers. It was his team tonight. A vivid memory of a time he almost couldn’t save them. 

The crash never happened, he knows that. He’d righted the bird and got his team to safety the way he knew he could. But that knowledge doesn’t stop his mind from wandering, from drowning him in fear when he imagines what might have happened had he not done his job. If they’d crashed in the middle of nowhere. Would any of them have died on impact? Would they have been left stranded, wounded and starving? He’s woken up in a cold sweat too many times, each ending more horrific than the last.

Tonight had been the last straw. And Frankie had found himself in his bathroom, patting along the top of the medicine cabinet, before he could even realise what he was doing.

He’d called Santiago, still blinking back images of his best friend’s bloody and lifeless face, just to hear his voice initially. But he hadn’t managed to explain anything past the sob lodged in his throat, and he’d heard the jingle of car keys before he could tell Pope he didn’t need to drive all the way across town at two o’clock in the morning. 

At least nobody had called Will, because that would have meant that Benny would have shown up too. Maybe even Tom would have dragged his ass out of bed. Frankie didn’t need to disappoint all his friends in one night. 

Santiago is bound by friendship, best and oldest, he’d never say anything if Frankie didn’t want him to. And you, you’re bound by- well, you’re not really bound by anything. You could get up off of his bathroom floor right now and never look back. Get to your feet, and walk right out of his life. But you won’t. 

He knows you won’t because you’re still holding tight to his hand, even though the angle and distance has you leaned forward awkwardly. You’re still looking at him like you believe in him, even though he almost threw everything he’s worked so hard for down the drain. You’re here, despite everything. Despite only knowing him for a couple of months, despite getting a call from a stranger at four in the morning, despite everything he’s done to be undeserving of anything good or kind in his life.

You’re here, still, looking at him like he can do anything. That’s something. That’s enough for him.

“I don’t even want to look at it.” Frankie croaks, and keeps his eyes steady on yours even as his voice wavers. To anybody else, he might sound unsure. But you hear that steely determination underneath it all, the same one that’s convinced you to keep moving any time you’ve faltered. 

“That’s okay, I can take it.” You waste no time in snapping the little bag up in your free hand, and stuffing it in your back pocket. A phone rings in the hall, hurriedly answered, and you suddenly remember the other man waiting outside.

Frankie’s still looking at you, dark eyes unsteady and unsure, and you squeeze his fingers to ground him. He comes back to you, slowly, and takes a few shaky breaths. 

“Do you want him to come with, or?” You leave the question open. His choice, entirely, the way everything tonight has been. He lost control for a moment and fought, tooth and nail, to get it back. You can’t take any decision about this away from him.

He shakes his head, loosens his grip on your hand, and asks you to give him a minute. It hurts, leaving him alone on his bathroom floor. But he’ll come out, you’re certain of that much.

“Is-” Santiago cuts himself off when you emerge and pull the door just shy of closed behind you, like he’s afraid to even ask the question. Let alone know the answer.

“He’ll be okay. We’re taking his last stash to the drop-off box.”

Santiago’s whole body sags in relief, and you can’t help but lean against the wall for support yourself. The little ziplock bag in your back pocket is a weight you don’t think you’ll ever stop carrying, even after it’s disposed of, but you’re more than happy to bear it when Frankie steps out of the bathroom and Santiago tugs him into a hug that almost breaks his ribs.

It’s easy to forget, when you get that low, that you have people. But they’ll always show up when you call. 

You leave them to their moment and shuffle back through to the main room, your car keys and phone left on the kitchen counter where you’d abandoned them. You’re not sure why you bother checking your messages, maybe it’s to keep your hands busy, maybe it’s so you don’t feel like you’re intruding on Frankie and his oldest friend. They speak in hushed tones as your thumbnail scratches back and forth across a crack in your screen protector. 

“I’m sorry.” Frankie’s voice is rough, muffled into the other man’s shoulder. 

“Don’t be,” Pope squeezes him just a little tighter before pulling back far enough to look him in the eye, “Be sorry you didn’t tell me they were so pretty.” 

It should feel odd, the way that he speaks as though the last few hours haven’t even happened. How a simple, harmless joke is all it takes for Frankie’s heart to settle. Pope doesn’t hate him, couldn’t hate him, 

“Didn’t I?” A shy, shaky smile settles on his features as Santiago stifles a yawn, “Crash here tonight, you’re not driving anywhere on no sleep.” 

Ever the caretaker, even in the wake of his worst moments. It’s a hard habit to break after all they’ve been through. Something tells Frankie, even as Pope relents and walks through to the living room to find a blanket and settle on the couch, he’ll still be awake once they get back. 

You’re quiet when he follows you out of his apartment, quiet as your footsteps echo in the stairwell, quiet when you cross the street to your car and unlock the doors. Part of him still worries that you’re disappointed, that you’re angry or upset or that he’s fucked up so bad that you’ve already decided to drop him home without a word and he’ll never hear from you again.

But another look at you out of the corner of his eye as you plug your seatbelt in disproves any other theory he might have. You’re quiet because you know that he doesn’t need you to talk, that he just needs you right here beside him so he can be brave enough to take the next step.

The radio is playing some acoustic, folky sounding song that neither of you have heard before, and it’s comforting to just sit and absorb the peace of the night as you drive. You’re conscious of Frankie’s eyes on you, although you’re sure he’s trying to be subtle about his staring. His seemingly unwavering attention does little to quiet the voice you’ve been hearing in the back of your mind for the last few weeks.

He still can’t quite believe it. That you’d wake up, in the middle of the night, and haul ass across town for him. For him. Something about it somehow makes ribcage feel like it's about to burst and cave in at the same time. But now is definitely not the time to be thinking about the tiny baby crush he may or may not be developing on you. 

You don’t miss the way he tenses when you pull into the hospital parking lot, muscles locked so tight that a stiff breeze could shatter him into pieces. He turns to you when you say his name softly, and his eyes are wide with a terror so familiar that your heart breaks in your chest.

“I can’t do it.” He chokes the admission out like it’s poison, and in just four words you can hear every ounce of hatred he has for himself in this moment. He thinks he’s weak, because he can’t even throw a little plastic bag into a hatch, because he can’t even bring himself to move. 

“That’s okay. Did you want me to?” You offer, it’s plain as day on his face that he doesn’t know how to ask you.

You’re grateful for the unusual warmth of the night when you step out of the car, comfortable enough not to need a jacket at this time of day. The sky is just starting to turn that odd shade of blue-grey, the barest hints of dawn on the horizon. Another day, just like tomorrow will be. Sometimes, the next day is all you can hope for. 

The metal handle is cold when you wrap your hand around it and haul the creaky hatch open, you fish the bag out of your pocket and don’t even pay it a second glance as you set it on the little shelf and let the door snap shut. Gone. But you can still feel it eating away at you, you can still see how it weighs on Frankie’s shoulders when you shuffle across the concrete and climb back into the car.

He says he’s not hungry when you ask, and you don’t push it. He’ll eat when he’s ready. He’ll live when he’s ready. You don’t mind, you’ve got a better idea anyway.

“Where are we going?” He asks when he realises you’re heading completely the opposite way from his apartment building. You shoot him a smile, turning your eyes back to the road before you can read too far into the look in his eyes. 

The beach is dead, just like you thought it would be, and you’re grateful as you shut off the engine. 

“We are gonna throw rocks in the sea.” You say and part of him wonders if you’ve always known exactly what he needs. 

If someone had told Frankie, twenty four hours ago, that he’d be skipping pebbles on the sea with you at sunrise, he would have laughed. But here he is, flecks of the rising sun on the sea reflecting on your face, and you’re smiling at him like that as a breeze ruffles his hair. Maybe this is all he needs to find the courage to stare right down the barrel of his faults. He doesn’t know how you do it, maybe you can do it together.

You reach over and take his hand when you spot the lone tear tracking its way down his cheek. 

“You’ll be alright. I promise.” You smile just as the sun finally breaks fully over the horizon, sky streaked with orange and pink. 

“Yeah, I know.” Frankie can’t help but smile back.

TAGLIST (add yourself here):

@brothersdrxke @keeper0fthestars @thevoiceinyourheadx @firstofficerwiggles @1800-fight-me @ew-erin @chatterbean

[ot3]

i watched red vs blue: zero with my dear friends today and i was asked to “post” my “thoughts” on the subject. Please do not click this readmore unless, for some reason, you want to read three thousand words on the subject of red vs blue: zero critical analysis. i highly doubt that’s the reason anyone is following me, but hey. 

anyway. here you have it. 

Here are my opinions on RVB0 as someone who has quite literally no nostalgia for any older RVB content. I’ve seen seasons 1-13 once and bits and pieces of it more than once here and there, but I only saw it for the first time within the past couple of months. I’ve literally never seen any other RT/AH content. I can name a few people who worked on OG Red vs. Blue but other than Mounty Oum I have NO idea who is responsible for what, really, or what anything else they’ve ever worked on is, or whether or not they’re awful people. I know even less about the people making RVB0 - All I know is that the main writer is named Torrian but I honestly don’t even know if that’s a first name, a last name, or a moniker. All this to say; nothing about my criticism is rooted in any perceived slight against the franchise or branding by the new staff members, because I don’t know or care about any of it. In fact, I’m going to try and avoid any direct comparison between RVB0 and earlier seasons of RVB as a means of critique until the very end, where I’ll look at that relationship specifically.

So here is my opinion of RVB0 as it stands right now:

1. The Writing

Everything about RVB0 feels as if it was written by a first-time writer who hasn’t learned to kill his darlings. The narrative is both simultaneously far too full, leaving very little breathing room for character interaction, and oddly sparse, with a story that lacks any meaningful takeaway, interesting ideas, or genuine emotional connection. It also feels like it’s for a very much younger audience - I don’t mean this as a negative at all. I love tv for kids. I watch more TV for kids than I do for adults, mostly, but I think it’s important to address this because a lot of the time ‘this is for kids’ is used to act like you’re not allowed to critique a narrative thoroughly. It definitely changes the way you critique it, but the critique can still be in good faith.  I watched the entirety of RVB0 only after it was finished, in one sitting, and I was giving it my full attention, essentially like it was a movie. I’m going to assume it was much better to watch in chunks, because as it stood, there was literally no time built into the narrative to process the events that had just transpired, or try and predict what events might be coming in the future. When there’s no time to think about the narrative as you’re watching it, the narrative ends up as being something that happens to the audience, not something they engage with. It’s like the difference between taking notes during a lecture or just sitting and listening. If you’re making no attempt to actively process what’s happening, it doesn’t stick in your mind well. I found myself struggling to recall the events and explanations that had immediately transpired because as soon as one thing had happened, another thing was already happening, and it was like a mental juggling act to try and figure out which information was important enough to dwell on in the time we were given to dwell on it.

Which brings me to another point - pacing. Every event in the show, whether a character moment, a plot moment, or a fight scene, felt like it was supposed to land with almost the exact same amount of emotional weight. It all felt like The Most Important Thing that had Yet Happened. And I understand that this is done as an attempt to squeeze as much as possible out of a rather short runtime, but it fundamentally fails. When everything is the most important thing happening, it all fades into static. That’s what most of 0’s narrative was to me: static. It’s only been a few hours since I watched it but I had to go step by step and type out all of the story beats I could remember and run it by my friends who are much more enthusiastic RVB fans than I am to make sure I hadn’t missed or forgotten anything. I hadn’t, apparently, but the fact that my takeaway from the show was pretty accurate and also disappointingly lackluster says a lot. Strangely enough, the most interesting thing the show alluded to - a holo echo, or whatever the term they used was - was one of the things least extrapolated upon in the show’s incredibly bulky exposition. Benefit of the doubt says that’s something they’ll explore in future seasons (are they getting more? Is that planned? I just realized I don’t actually know.)

And bulky it was! I have quite honestly never seen such flagrant disregard for the rule of “show, don’t tell.” There was not a single ounce of subtlety or implication involved in the storytelling of RVB0. Something was either told to you explicitly, or almost entirely absent from the narrative. Essentially zilch in between. We are told the dynamic the characters have with each other, and their personality pros and cons are listed for us conveniently by Carolina. The plot develops in exposition dumps. This is partially due to the series’ short runtime, but is also very much a result of how that runtime was then used by the writers. They sacrificed a massive chunk of their show for the sake of cramming in a ton of fight scenes, and if they wanted to keep all of those fight scenes, it would have been necessary to pare down their story and characters proportionally in comparison, but they didn’t do that either. They wanted to have it both ways and there simply wasn’t enough time for it. 

The story itself is… uninteresting. It plays out more like the flimsy premise of a video game quest rather than a piece of media to be meaningfully engaged with. RVB0 is I think something I would be pitched by a guy who thinks the MCU and BNHA are the best storytelling to come out of the past decade. It is nothing but tropes. And I hate having to use this as an insult! I love tropes. The worst thing about RVB0 is that nothing it does is wholly unforgivable in its own right. Hunter x Hunter, a phenomenal shonen, is notoriously filled with pages upon pages of detailed exposition and explanations of things, and I absolutely love it. Leverage, my favorite TV show of all time, is literally nothing but a five man band who has to learn to work as a team while seemingly systematically hitting a checklist of every relevant trope in the book. Pacific Rim is an incredibly straightforward good guys vs giant monsters blockbuster to show off some cool fight scenes such as a big robot cutting an alien in half with a giant sword, and it’s some of the most fun I ever have watching a movie. Something being derivative, clunky, poorly executed in some specific areas, narratively weak, or any single one of these flaws, is perfectly fine assuming it’s done with the intention and care that’s necessary to make the good parts shine more. I’ll forgive literally any crime a piece of media commits as long as it’s interesting and/or enjoyable to consume. RVB0 is not that. I’m not sure what the main point of RVB0 was supposed to be, because it seemingly succeeds at nothing. It has absolutely nothing new or innovative to justify its lack of concern for traditional storytelling conventions. Based solely on the amount of screentime things were given, I’d be inclined to say the narrative existed mostly to give flimsy pretense for the fight scenes, but that’s an entire other can of worms.

2. The Visuals + Fights

I have no qualms with things that are all style and no substance. Sometimes you just want to see pretty colors moving on the screen for a while or watch some cool bad guys and monsters or whatever get punched. RVB0 was not this either. The show fundamentally lacked a coherent aesthetic vision. Much of the show had a rather generic sci-fi feel to it with the biggest standouts to this being the very noir looking cityscape, which my friends and I all immediately joked looked like something from a batman game, or the temple, which my friends and I all immediately joked looked like a world of warcraft raid. They were obviously attempting to get variety in their environment design, which I appreciate, but they did this without having a coherent enough visual language to feel like it was all part of the same world. In general, there was also just a lack of visual clarity or strong shots. The value range in any given scene was poor, the compositions and framing were functional at best, and the character animation was unpleasantly exaggerated. It just doesn’t really look that good beyond fancy rendering techniques.

The fight scenes are their entire own beast. Since ‘FIGHT SCENE’ is the largest single category of scenes in the show, they definitely feel worth looking at with a genuine critical eye. Or, at least, I’d like to, but honestly half the time I found myself almost unable to look at them. The camera is rarely still long enough to really enjoy what you’re watching - tracking the motion of the character AND the camera at such constant breakneck high speeds left little time to appreciate any nuances that might have been present in the choreography or character animation. I tried, believe me, I really did, but the fight scenes leave one with the same sort of dizzy convoluted spectacle as a Michael Bay transformers movie. They also really lacked the impact fight scenes are supposed to have.

It’s hard to have a good, memorable fight scene without it doing one of three things: 1. Showing off innovative or creative fighting styles and choreography 2. Making use of the fight’s setting or environment in an engaging and visually interesting way or 3. Further exploring a character’s personality or actions by the way they fight. It’s also hard to do one of these things on its own without at least touching a bit on the other two. For the most part, I find RVB0’s fight scenes fail to do this. Other than rather surface level insubstantial factors, there was little to visually distinguish any of RVB0’s fight scenes from each other. Not only did I find a lot of them difficult to watch and unappealing, I found them all difficult to watch and unappealing in an almost identical way. They felt incredibly interchangeable and very generic. If you could take a fight scene and change the location it was set and also change which characters were participating and have very little change, it’s probably not a good fight scene. 

I think “generic” is really just the defining word of RVB0 and I think that’s also why it falls short in the humor department  as well.

3. The Comedy

Funny shit is hard to write and humor is also incredibly subjective but I definitely got almost no laughs out of RVB0. I think a total of three. By far the best joke was Carolina having a cast on top of her armor, which, I must stress, is an incredibly funny gag and I love it. But overall I think the humor fell short because it felt like it was tacked on more than a natural and intentional part of this world and these characters. A lot of the jokes felt like they were just thrown in wherever they’d fit, without any build up to punchlines and with little regard for what sort of joke each character would make. Like, there was some, obviously Raymond’s sense of humor had the most character to it, but the character-oriented humor still felt very weak. When focusing on character-driven humor, there’s a LOT you can establish about characters based on what sort of jokes they choose to make, who they’re picking as the punchlines of these jokes, and who their in-universe audience for the jokes is. In RVB0, the jokes all felt very immersion-breaking and self aware, directed wholly towards the audience rather than occurring as a natural result of interplay between the characters. This is partially due to how lackluster the character writing was overall, and the previously stated tight timing, but also definitely due to a lack of a real understanding about what makes a joke land. 

A rule of thumb I personally hold for comedy is that, when push comes to shove, more specific is always going to be more funny. The example I gave when trying to explain this was this:

saying two characters had awkward sex in a movie theater: funny

saying two characters had an awkward handjob in a cinemark: even funnier

saying two characters spent 54 minutes of 11:14's 1:26 runtime trying out some uncomfortably-angled hand stuff in the back of a dilapidated cinemark that lost funding halfway through retrofitting into a dinner theater: the funniest

The more specific a joke is, the more it relies on an in-depth understanding of the characters and world you’re dealing with and the more ‘realistic’ it feels within the context of your media. Especially with this kind of humor. When you’re joking with your friends, you don’t go for stock-humor that could be pulled out of a joke book, you go for the specific. You aim for the weak spots. If a set of jokes could be blindly transplanted into another world, onto another cast of characters, then it’s far too generic to be truly funny or memorable. I don’t think there’s a single joke in RVB0 where the humor of it hinged upon the characters or the setting.

Then there’s the issue of situational comedy and physical comedy. This is really where the humor being ‘tacked on’ shows the most. Once again, part of what makes actually solid comedy land properly is it feeling like a natural result of the world you have established. Real life is absurd and comical situations can be found even in the midst of some pretty grim context, and that’s why black comedy is successful, and why comedy shows are allowed to dip into heavier subject matter from time to time, or why dramas often search for levity in humor. It’s a natural part of being human to find humor in almost any situation. The key thing, though, once again, is finding it in the situation. Many of RVB0’s attempts at humor, once again, feel like they would be the exact same jokes when stripped from their context, and that’s almost never good. A pretty fundamental concept in both storytelling in general but particularly comedy writing is ‘setup and payoff’. No joke in RVB0 is a reward for a seemingly innocuous event in an earlier scene or for an overlooked piece of environmental design. The jokes pop in when there’s time for them in between all the exposition and fighting, and are gone as soon as they’re done. There’s no long term, underlying comedic throughline to give any sense of coherence or intent to the sense of humor the show is trying to establish. Every joke is an isolated one-off quip or one-liner, and it fails to engage the audience in a meaningful way.

All together, each individual component of RVB0 feels like it was conjured up independently, without any concern to how it interacted with the larger product they were creating. And I think this is really where it all falls apart. RVB0 feels criminally generic in a way reminiscent of mass-market media which at least has the luxury of attributing these flaws, this complete and total watering down of anything unique, to heavy oversight and large teams with competing visions. But I don’t think that’s the case for RVB0. I don’t know much about what the pipeline is like for this show, but I feel like the fundamental problem it suffers from is a lack of heart.

In comparison to Red vs. Blue

Let's face it. This is a terrible successor to Red vs. Blue. I wouldn’t care if NONE of the old characters were in it - that’s not my problem. I haven’t seen past season 13 because from what I heard the show already jumped the shark a bit and then some. That’s not what makes it a poor follow up. What makes it a bad successor is that it fundamentally lacks any of the aspects of the OG RVB that made it unique or appealing at all. I find myself wondering what Torrian is trying to say with RVB0 and quite literally the only answer I find myself falling back onto is that he isn’t trying to say anything at all. Regardless of what you feel about the original RVB, it undeniably had things to say. The opening “why are we here” speech does an excellent job at establishing that this is a show intended to poke fun at the misery of bureaucracy and subservience to nonsensical systems, not just in the context of military life, but in a very broad-strokes way almost any middle-class worker can relate to. At the end of the day, fiction is at its best when it resonates with some aspect of its audience’s life. I know instantly which parts of the original Red vs Blue I’m supposed to relate to. I can’t say anything even close to that about 0.

RVB is an absurdist parody that heavily satirizes aspects of the military and life as a low-on-the-food-chain worker in general that almost it’s entire target audience will be familiar with. The most significant draw of the show to me was how the dialogue felt like listening to my friends bicker with each other in our group chats. It required no effort for me to connect with and although the narrative never outright looked to the camera and explained ‘we are critiquing the military’s stupid red tape and self-fullfilling eternal conflict’ they didn’t need to, because the writing trusted itself and its audience enough to believe this could be conveyed. It is, in a way, the complete antithesis to the badass superhero macho military man protagonist that we all know so well. RVB was saying something, and it was saying it in a rather novel format.

Nothing about RVB0 is novel. Nothing about RVB0 says anything. Nothing about it compels me to relate to any of these characters or their situations. RVB0 doesn’t feel like absurdism, or satire. RVB0 feels like it is, completely uncritically, the exact media that RVB itself was riffing off of. Both RVB0 and RVB when you watch them give you the feeling that what you’re seeing here is kids on a playground larping with toy soldiers. It’s all ridiculous and over the top cliche stupid garbage where each side is trying to one-up the other. The critical difference is, in RVB, we’re supposed to look at this and laugh at how ridiculous this is. In RVB0 we’re supposed to unironically think this is all pretty badass. 

The PFL arc of the original RVB existed to show us that setting up an elite team of supersoldiers with special powers was something done in bad faith, with poor outcomes, that left everyone involved either cruel, damaged, or dead. It was a bad thing. And what we’re seeing in RVB0 is the same premise, except, this time it’s good. We’re supposed to root for this format. RVB0 feels much more like a demo reel, cutscenes from a video game that doesn’t exist, or a shonen anime fanboy’s journal scribbling than it feels like a piece of media with any objective value in any area.  In every area that RVB was anti-establishment, RVB0 is pure undiluted establishment through and through.  

[the-green-maiden]

Supernatural Fair Fight Livestream Recap with timestamps

(based off of the notes I took while watching live. any errors are mine and not the fault of the cast or abrams)

21:01 Panel Starts. Misha introduces panel- Stacey Abrams, Jensen Ackles, Jared Padelecki, Erik Kripke, Berto the ASL interpreter.

21:02 Stacey Abrams talks about how she got into SPN. Talks about running for governor(?) in California(?), having trouble gathering support/campaign funds. On a particularly bad day, ends up watching SPN in her hotel room. Loves it, ends up watching the whole show after this. Quotes “Even if it’s hard we can’t stop” and “who else is going to do this” and talks about keeping going.

21:05 Kripke: “Wow”

Ackles: “That’s one of the most beautiful interpretations of what we do, how we tell the story.”

21:06 Kripke: “Grateful we could provide inspiration” 

21:07 JarPad: *reiterates above* joke about how “Kripke’s writing is questionable at best.”

21:08 Misha: “The reason we tell stories is to inspire people” creates an allegory about the ‘invisible enemy’ of voter suppression with the invisible enemy trope common in storytelling. “As we made the show, we were taking inspiration from [Abrams]”

21:09 Kripke asks Abrams to tell more about Fair Fight

21:09 Abrams talks about a secretary of state(?) [whose name I didn’t catch but who JPad refers to as ‘Lucifer”] who was in charge of voter registries in Georgia who wrongfully removed thousands of voters from lists, closed essential polling locations, and prevented people from voting, which disproportionately impacted POC and youth voters, and led to 8+ hour wait times in remaining locations. Abrams tells of how her and FF acted to fix this and change the whole system for the better. “If this becomes about politicians, no one is going to care, but when it becomes about people’s [list of basic rights and essential services]...” “...Patriotic belief that democracy means that if you’re eligible to vote, you get to be heard. Fair Fight is committed to ensuring that every voter in the US has the right to vote, and we are pretty good at it.”

21:16 Misha voices concerns about Trump’s attempts to make the 2020 vote counts seem unreliable.

21:17 Abrams gives an in-depth history of voter suppression in the US, committed by both parties at various times, including restrictions on mail-in votes, ID laws, and something about the voting rights act.

21:18 A bunch more panelists join in, including Jake Abel, Felicia Day, and a number of other SPN cast members.

21:19 Abrams says that in Texas a gun license is a valid id to vote, but a college id is not. “Everyone should get to participate, not just the chosen.” Mentions that she has not seen the final 3 episodes yet, request no spoilers until she logs out.

21:22 Kripke thanks Abrams for her political work.

21:22 Felicia Day says she was very excited to meet Abrams at Dragon Con.

21:33 Misha and Kripke try to move panel along to comply with Abrams limited time availability.

21:24 Rachel Miner “We all admire you [Abrams], you’re our hero.”

21:25 JPad gives a long speech thanking Abrams that was too fast to write down verbatim. “It’s important that everyone have their own voice” says it’s an honor to meet Abrams.

21:26 Bob Singer asks a question about Purdue(?) not showing up to a debate.

21:27 Abrams gives a detailed answer about swing states, swing voters, the lack of swing voters in Georgia, and the relatively small impact that Purdue(?) missing a debate would have on his numbers. Long speech about mail-in voting.

21:29 Sebastian Roche asks a question about run-off votes. Abrams answers.

21:30 Rachel Miner asks a question about voter registration descrimination against people w foreign names.

21:31 Abrams talks about how this has happened and what Fair Fight is doing to combat it, and how Fair Fight’s legal actions have managed to significantly reduce the amount of mail-in ballots thrown out for having difficult to understand names on them.

21:33 Shoshanna Stern thanks Abrams for her efforts in making voting more disability accessible.

21:34 Abrams answers, gives more info on the subject and the importance of having accessible voting locations.

21:36 Jim Beaver says it’s wonderful to be able to talk to Abrams, etc.

21:37 Abrams realizes her time has just about run out, and says thank yous and good byes. Mentions that tomorrow is her birthday. Multiple members of the cast wish her a happy birthday. More goodbyes from everyone, and thank yous to and from Abrams. Abrams exits call.

21:39 Kripke and Misha encourage people to donate to FF

21:41 Misha and Jensen rib each other, joke about an open bar.

21:41 Misha “Now we’re just going to waste your time for half an hour now that she’s gone”

21:42 Curtis Armstrong tells a short story about his mother, who was a voter activist in Detroit and Switzerland, and how nice it was to see Abrams talk.

21:43 Trivia intro. Multiple jokes made at the same time about state capitals.

21:44 Jim Beaver “When my kid was 7, I asked her the capital of Vermont and she said V”

21:44 Kripke asks semi-serious question about what JPad wore as protection in the ball-crusher Japanese game show scene in Changing Channels.

21:45 JPad “A thimble. A mini-thimble. No, a cup.” says something else about the cup.

21:46 Ackles “Our special effects team likes to go above and beyond”

21:46 JPad comments about real fear in that scene

21:46 Misha tries to get trivia back on track. “Without powers, what does Dean say Cas is?”

------[Baby in a trenchcoat]

“Other name of the Impala?”

Julie McNiven guesses “A special place”. Someone calls out “baby”

-----[Metallicar]

“Name of Sam and Jess’s friend who goes with them to the bar in the pilot?”

Even JPad, who was in the scene, does not know. Kripke comments that it was named after an irl friend of his from Tiuanna, named LUIS.

“5 works Kripke ripped off for SPN?”

Everyone guessing at once, including: Animal House, On The Road, Good Omens, Constantine, Star Wars, and several others.

“What herpes medication does Sam have to do a commercial for?”

[Herpexia]

21:52 JPad and Julie rib each other about herpes meds, and argue whether the term is prescription or subscription for medication. One of them brings up the example of having a subscription to dog food.

21:52 Jake Abel “What if your dog has herpes?”

Misha “I only hope that Stacey Abrams has tuned in”

Seb makes another joke about state capitals, then asks JPad the capital of Albania.

Jared has no idea, guesses ‘new albania’

Seb “Tirana” talks about having lived on a boat, presumably near Albania.

Rob Benedict: “Thanks for tuning in”

Bob Singer asks who knows the story of Seb getting a massage at VAncouver airport.

Jared (paraphrased) “We all fly through Vancouver airport a lot. Just past security there’s a massage place [with the chairs where you face the floor].” One day JPad and Ackles went through security and saw Seb getting a massage. They go over, convince the masseuse [who knows them all at this point] to let JPad take over. Seb does not notice, despite the fact that the masseuse is a small woman and JPad is holding his hands weird to try to make them smaller. JPad says he put his hands down Seb’s back and up his shirt, and Seb still did not notice, just making a noise and saying ‘very nice’. JPad gets as far as groping Seb’s ass before Seb notices anything is up. This is still the middle of a busy airport.

21:58 Seb “It was strangely sensual. Thank you, Robert, for bringing that up.” “I was perturbed for the whole flight back.”

Ackles “Another highbrow story”

Seb “It’s really fun being on that set. It really is” Claims they are also serious sometimes, to which there is laughter in response.

Ackles “It going to be like that on The Boys, Krip?”

Kripke “No massages to completion”

Seb “Wait there was no completion”

Krip “Saw photos of [Ackles’s] supersuit today”

Multiple jokes from several people about Ackle costume for The Boys being assless, crotchless, entirely made of paint, and cowboy-themed.

22:01 Misha “time for about 5 minutes of outtakes”

Someone jokes about adding ‘give Seb a massage’ as a donation tier.

Misha thanks the fans, says he loves and misses all the cast. Asks Rob B to sing.

22:02 Rob B “tune into my radio show” [for singing]

22:03 Misha announced that $225,000 has been raised for charity so far in the stream.

More thank yous from everyone to everyone, including the zoom team.

22:04 Seb “Vote out Mitch McConnel:

Jensen “Such as British accent to tell us who to vote for”

Seb “I’m half French half Scottish”

Jensen and Seb joke about scottish and french alcohols, and how they can’t be mixed.

22:05 Kripke thanks the fans for 15 years. Everyone else joins in on thanking fans for 15 years.

Jake Abel “There was a big gap in there for me somewhere”

Seb asks if Jake was in the first season.

22:06 Jake “3rd, 5, and 15”

Seb gives long thank you speech.

Jensen talks about how the cast is sticking together “This group is not being dispersed”...”I take comfort in knowing this” jokes that they’re stuck together whether they like it or not.

Misha “Like herpes”

Felicia “Genital or otherwise”

22:07 gag reel begins, including Misha’s ‘on-camera finger, Jensen falling off a chair “furniture could use some work”, Jensen failing to pick a lock for a very long time and Jared asking ‘Cas” to open it, Jensen saying ‘hail misha’ instead of ‘hail mary’, Misha failing to keep a straight face while looking at Alex Calvert, Jensen eating something too hot(?), and more that someone has probably already uploaded in full anyway.

21:13 stream ends.

[bl-garbage]

to dance is to unshackle

um, okay—how else do i express this buoyant happiness that Gaya sa Pelikula has awoken inside me? i’m in complete and utter awe. i did not expect a drop of what the sixth episode has brought us. more than satisfying, it’s utterly fascinating. this is quite a lengthy post, but if you have the time, please bear with me. and since we’re already here, let’s fucking dissect the shit out of this:

right off the bat, it’s sweet how consistently written Vlad was the entire time of the show. at the start of the episode, for one, he was concerned with Karl’s disposition, saying, “anong iniisip mo (what are you thinking)?” and, later on, as we know, he pops that question again in this episode. what are you thinking? always in limbo. true, it’s considerate, yet more than that, it’s always a sign of waiting for permission. Vlad has been like this since the beginning: observant and willing to reach out, confident on the surface, yes, but always afraid of going overboard. 

that is not to say that Karl isn’t. in fact, the whole dynamics of their relationship rest on the fact that they can lean on each other and just be honest. many moments show this: Karl’s desire to shift; Vlad not getting  into the film lab and Karl knowing something was up; the entirety of Vlad’s birthday; Karl and Vlad’s reticence to open up to Anna, in contrast with how comfortable they feel with each other. in a nutshell, they’re each other’s homes. more on this later.

the part i was most frightened at with this episode was when Karl finally told his parents his desire to shift. to be honest, personally, i wouldn’t know exactly how that pressure on Karl feels, as i was able to study the degree i wanted. yet, back then, i had already known that my parents, who wholly supported me just the same, would have wanted a degree that leaned on science or engineering. that still sucked to know. Karl’s situation is much more complicated. his desire to shift to another course is to make up for lost time, a sense of hurrying before it really becomes all too late. this was a heavy lot to take in. the disappointment and anger in his father’s face when he dropped the bomb was too much to handle. Karl had expected it, yet its impact still hurled shrapnel that he was not able to dodge, sustaining him with several wounds. it would be curious to see how his parents come to terms with his confession. i am certain that a number of people have connected with Karl here.

which brings me to another point. Gaya sa Pelikula creates these characters with their own agency. it’s touted as a BL series, yes, but our two main characters’ point is actually not to fall in love — but to live, part of which is to fall in love. they have their hopes and dreams and own burdens to carry, and while falling in love takes centerstage here, we see how they can stand alone, on their own two feet. falling in love is central to their growth, but it is evident that love is not the whole point of their existence. 

speaking of which: ate judit. ah, yes, where do i even begin to explain the exquisiteness with which ate judit was written? how, after all of five episodes, it was only now did it make sense why judit was overly, unnaturally caring and protective, a mama bear that would not let anything happen to his little Vlad. now we know why: guilt.  

imagine that. being told you were the reason why your whole family went into shambles. there is much vindication in Vlad’s line of questioning, “why would you say that to a child?” (god, i’m tearing up even as i write this.) this was a pivotal scene, with a focal point on judit, the likes of whom we cannot entirely fault for not knowing any better. the fact remains that we are still in an era that fails to understand the spectrum of gender identities and the far utopia that we seek, where gender and sex would not be a damning classification anymore. and for true allies, it is in admitting that they “didn’t know then what [they] know now” that their support gains more strength. it is in confessing where they got wrong, how harmful their actions were, and in the commitment to do more, that their promise is made good.

parenthetically, can we talk about Vlad’s mom as well? have you all noticed how her voice broke when she said, “siguraduhin mong hindi ka na itatanggi niyan, ha (just make sure he won’t deny you, okay)?” was that pain, or guilt even? i wonder if we’re ever going to see her. it would be a regret not to. for so long Vlad had thought that he was the reason his father left, and that his mother was mad at his queerness. i wouldn’t want this simple call to be the resolution that the show had for him. at any rate, we have two more episodes to await, so i am not going to strike my gavel on this judgment just yet.

but whereas Vlad found his longtime coming reconciliation with his sister, Karl had no one to turn to. his call to Vlad was a cry for help. it was heartbreaking to see him like this. Karl had always put up a fake smile against any adversity that had come his way. to him, these were trivial matters that would pass, and they did so — until now. after all he was, as we would later come to know, living a script that had been prewritten before he even came to being. that explains his nonchalant demeanor toward life, the seeming discontent behind those dead eyes, and a repeated hinting that he was always yearning for so much more. at the end of the call, Karl instinctively goes to the closet - and his proverbial closet - and sees the skeletons he had hidden inside, drop in a mess. 

that it was Karl’s brother who was in the photo shook me. that past was so well thought out. things made so much sense in this episode: why Karl tried to fit in, why everything seemed so fake. why he was so discomforting to watch, even! that made sense now.  

and what do you do when everything has become a mess? the once seamless film that had been rolling without any glitches now sprawled on the floor, entangled in a hodgepodge well beyond fixing. when that happens, what do you do? well, you dance.

i have so many things to say about faux masculinity. it is a fact undisputed that in this society, gender roles are still very much pillars that we have yet to dismantle. our genders have been geared toward performativity, and our consolation is the external validation we receive through the acts of fitting in. in the process, we lose sight of what we really want. we blur the lines between what is and what should be, in favor of what society has demanded upon us. Karl took that role and lived by it religiously. yet, those things has gone haywire in this episode. more than his parents, it was to himself that Karl has finally admitted that the act can be dropped now: the fixed posture, those rehearsed lines, that painfully faux masculinity, on guard all the fucking time. all of those things were dropped.

that is not to say that Karl was faking all of it. there is no denying that Karl has been a masculine person most of the time. but the show portrayed before us a discarded femininity that Karl had been trying to bury deep inside him — one that all people who have been and who are still in the closet know by heart. the thing is, all of us have masculine and feminine sides, the expression of which vary at different levels in different situations. sadly, we have been preconditioned to believe that male persons must be masculine, and female persons must be feminine. Gaya sa Pelikula acknowledges this hegemony, and then throws it away all the same. true, Karl may very well be comfortable in his masculine expression, but his femininity must also be allowed to grow. one cannot be complete without embracing the entirety of who they are. many have died — been killed — for simply living who they are. society has long been a vicious environment. but people have also long fought for their fundamental right to perform these things, and through them, we know that things can change. that things are changing.

it is against this context that imprints more meaning, more gravity to when we finally, finally see Karl dance. in every sense, his dance was the show’s climax for me. it is, quite emphatically, freedom incarnate.

when i say i fucking bawled at this scene, you best believe it.

quite important to note: when Karl sees Vlad, he stopped abruptly, only for Vlad to signal to him, in an OK sign, that what he was doing was perfectly fine. that Karl could be effeminate all he wants, and who the hell in this earth should care? this allowance has given Karl all the needed validation he will ever need, at least, for that one night where they could bare it all. it was only the two of them, but the house has never been more crowded, because their feelings have seemingly exploded and have been overflowing in a glorious climax for all of us to witness. in this scene, Karl has unshackled the chains with which he had been bound all that time, and it was Vlad who helped him finally break the last of those chains. in this moment, there was only pure bliss.

(that the song playing here was Ride Home by ben&ben is the perfect giveaway. for non-Filipino readers who have only listened to ben&ben now, check this band out. it’s one of the best bands to have ever come out of the Philippine music industry.)

and, of course, in this waterfall of emotions, it is only perfect to time the moment of their first kiss. they have accepted each other, haven’t they? in a meaningful act (the gravity of which we will only realize in full later when Vlad tells the story of his dad), Karl rumpled Vlad’s hair, but only after Vlad had already consented to it. then, afterward, it was Vlad’s turn to ask, what are you thinking? to which Karl had this—and i know we all expected it, nevertheless—to say: i don’t want to think anymore. then they kissed.

i swear to god. i only watched this for the 92432475781 time.

the denouement was so well put, too: now everything is put back into its own place. Karl’s brother. his death. his parents’ expectations. the substitution. Vlad’s father. his parents’ expectations. the horror of realizing one’s difference. the abandonment. in these stories, it becomes more and more permissible to believe that Karl and Vlad have easily found comfort in each other. to say that they are soulmates (as the creator, juan miguel severo, told on his twitter) is not an exaggeration.

and, make no mistake: Karl and Vlad did not find each other’s embraces out of pity. no. it would be unduly harsh to view them that way. rather, they found solace in each other’s embrace and warmth, but it is still they who will muster the courage to face their own demons. the only difference is, they now have each other to find some sort of release. they are not destructively dependent on each other; instead, they help each other grow into the versions of themselves that they can be proud of.

finally, a couple of small things: look at the way Karl was inviting Vlad to lie in bed with him. that simple gesture harks us back to the early days of their dynamics: Vlad had expressed that it was okay to share a bed, but Karl was adamant that they do not. Karl had once dreamed of Vlad joining him there, and that scared him shitless. in contrast to that, now we have this: Karl himself inviting Vlad, and Vlad accepting for Karl’s wholehearted invitation. the moment this happened, there was a consummation of the expression of their love. if they had their doubts prior to this, those could not have been more obliterated now. 

needless to say, i fucking, fucking loved this. as one who has only ever written three fanfics (2gether and History 2!), all of which seemingly related to sleeping (what the fuck, do i have a sleep fetish or something), this ending to episode 6 is just the cherry on top. 

their lines by the end particularly strike me. here we have Karl who wishes to create his own stories. on the other hand is Vlad who wishes that he be in charge of the endings, too. how do they do that? who knows? but the certainty that defines their pact is that they shall do it together, unbound and free to dance to the song they have chosen of their own accord. and that simple promise, made in each other’s tight embrace under artificially warm lights amid that early january weather, with no certainty at all of what tomorrow has to bring, has made all the difference. 

in 34 minutes, Gaya sa Pelikula has, yet again, done more than we could have ever expected.

i just checked and this reached 2k words. i’m not even gonna attempt to proofread this anymore. anyway, this is all i have to say for now. i just simply cannot let go of the best episode i’ve seen in this show without expressing my own reaction to it. 

(also: i’m thinking of writing a fanfic; that is, the morning after. just a one-shot, hopefully a cute one. as usual, an introspection of these characters, and what lies ahead. hope i actually get to write it!)

thank you so much, Gaya sa Pelikula. you are proof that things do change.

[halfwit-halfblood]

First person perspective doesn’t bother me usually, but I think Shadow and Bone suffered a lot for it.

Hear me out.

This is mainly in relation to readers’ dislike for Mal and Zoya and the romanticisation of the Darkling despite him being a predator. (Remember when he forced himself on Alina in Siege and Storm and Ruin and Rising? Yeah. Me neither, until I reread the books this week, but I’ll get to that later)

Under the cut because this got long

Regarding Mal, I think his hate stems from two directions – from people who wanted Alina to end up with the Darkling and saw Mal as an obstacle, and from those who just found him whiny and insecure (AKA me when I first read the books years ago. I was actively wishing for his death during R&R).

However, several of the lucky reviewers who have watched the Netflix adaptation already have stated that though they didn’t like his character in the books, he was much more likable in the Netflix series. Part of this I think is thanks to Archie as an actor, but also the fact that we’re no longer seeing him through Alina’s eyes. We don’t have to feel her jealously and resentment when other girls take an interest in him, or her anger in him “pushing her away” and staying distant. I’ve tried to read the books without the influence of Alina’s viewpoint on the situation, and it helped. Mal was happy as a tracker. He had friends in Dubrov and Mikhael and Alina. He had a normal life. Because of his love for Alina, he didn’t feel he had a choice when it came to choosing a future that didn’t concern her. As she ascended into her title of Sun Summoner/Sun Saint, he saw his friends die (and blamed himself for it), he was ostracized from his peers – around Alina and her friends for not being Grisha and around the other trackers and huntsmen for being close to Alina – and had to become a killer to survive. He stayed distant from Alina to protect them both and always took the opportunities he could to better himself as a fighter so he wouldn’t fail her. He gave up everything for Alina. Yes, he was whiny, but he had every right to be and it’s hard to see that when we’re forced to view him from Alina’s perspective and made to believe her assumptions as fact.

I think in recent years there’s been far more support for Zoya than there was when the books initially came out and that’s partly due to what we see of her in King of Scars. The insight we get into her as a character helps to expand her beyond the mean-spirited, jealous bully Alina views her as in Shadow and Bone. While rereading the trilogy, it felt like even as the books went on and we saw them form a tentative alliance, every positive interaction Alina had with her was partnered with a reminder of her actions in the past and Alina’s dislike for her. Recently, I’ve also seen more people addressing and rejecting Alina’s internalised misogyny that impacted how she thought about these other women, and I’m glad for it. Her opinion is jaded by her jealously of Zoya’s looks, power and attraction to Mal and this impacts their every interaction and constantly undercuts any enjoyment of Zoya as a character as we are forced to see Zoya’s qualities through a negative perspective whereas in King of Scars where the narrative is more neutral, she’s become a fan favourite.

Finally, the Darkling.

The most notable thing I noticed rereading the books recently was that are two instances where the Darkling forces himself on Alina and kisses her without consent and I’ve never seen anyone mention them. Both instances take place using the connection formed between them by the nicho’yeva.

In Siege and Storm, at the end of Chapter 20, Alina is sleeping. She wakes up to someone saying her name and kissing her. She believes it to be Mal, even says his name, and kisses him back. When she pulls back and sees the Darkling’s eyes on Mal’s face she is horrified and pushes him away. The Darkling smirks and disappears.

I won’t type out the whole thing as it goes on for a page and a half, but the key quotes are:

“Alina.”

I woke to the soft brush of Mal’s lips on mine, the barest touch to my temple, my eyelids, my brow ….. he bent to kiss the curve of my throat ….. I hesitated, confused, not quite awake ….. “I missed you Mal,” I murmured against his ear ….. He kissed me again ….. I felt his weight slide over me ….. He was kissing my throat my collarbone ….. He smiled then, a cold, clever smile like none I’d never seen on his lips ….. The Darkling rested one gentle hand on my cheek. “Soon,” he whispered. I screamed.

She is woken up by him kissing her. She returns the kiss believing that he is Mal and he makes no move to correct her because he knows she would not consent to kissing him as the Darkling.

In Ruin and Rising (Chapter 9), Alina visits the Darkling and during their conversation he reveals his true name to her. Then this happens:

He leaned in. I felt his breath against my neck, then the press of his mouth against my skin just above the collar, almost a sigh.

“Don’t,” I said. I drew back, but he held me tighter. His hand went to the nape of my neck, long fingers twining in my hair, easing my head back.

Alina explicitly tells him no and his response is to hold on and continue kissing her.

There are still fans who wholeheartedly claim that the Darkling loved Alina despite everything. With the first person perspective, Alina’s constant questioning of what she wants in life in terms of power and status, and the general hoard of book readers who will fall for any character with pale skin and black hair despite them being manipulative predators (this is also a jab towards Rhysand from ACOTAR and Hawke from FBAA), it’s easier for people to disregard the unredeemable nature of his character. I’m hoping that the Netflix series will make a firm point of the Darkling being a hundred-year-old villain who groomed a teenager rather than a plausible love interest for Alina and that without having to hear her inner monologue it will be easier for people to see him as he is.

But yeah. Fuck the Darkling.

[funkymbtifiction]

Is there an easy way to tell between looping and grip beyond the theoretic level? I mean I understand the theoretic difference but I have trouble practically separating them in real life.

You can ask all the questions you want, but the fact that you have sent me a zillion messages in the last two weeks (long, detailed asks, changing your mind rapidly, sometimes changing your type a day after you sent me some questions under the assumption of being a different type, etc) tells me you're a Ne-dom / extrovert. INTPs process more inside their head and do not bombard people as much because they are slow and ponderous in linking things together since they ruthlessly put it through a logic test first (that is not an insult; they are 99% more accurate than the rest of us as a result).

1.) When stressed or emotionally bothered, I think a lot about the past and can’t see any alternative. This also happens when I encounter something I’ve failed in the past. I have trouble assuming that it will be any different the next time. Is this Ti-Si loop or Si grip?

Si grip.

2.) When pushed to the boiling point, I go very much Fe. I become overly emotional and people pleasing. I don’t really show off though. In more like to get very moody and quietly dramatic, or openly expressing my feelings to one single person. Is this Fe grip or Ne-Fe?

Tert-Fe. Inferior Fe isn't super consciously aware of other people.

As a follow up question: How much does the judging nature of Ti influence their behavior in comparison to Ne? I get a bit confused because when I was younger I was much more focused, but as I’ve gotten older I’d had more trouble finishing things like books because I get distracted by something new. Also, I have trouble doing something like typing myself because I constantly change my mind, but I often close off other ideas prematurely. If it doesn’t make sense to me, I’ll cut it off (though I may grow to like the idea later).

For an INTP, if it doesn't pass a logical test (and we should slow this conversation down and clarify our terms) then it doesn't get into the Ne stage; for an ENTP, everything is considered. Premature rushing to a decision out of a desire to have it fixed and then questioning it 24 hours (or 10 minutes) later is more typically Ne-dom.

Finally (sorry for the long ask), I was wondering about what you said about Ne leads not getting stuck in their heads. I assumed this was characteristic of Ne leads so it surprised me. I’ve been told by different people that I sometimes just stare and ignore them, when I thought I had said something to them back. My response was so loud in my thoughts that I didn’t notice that I wasn’t speaking aloud lol.

Zoning out for a bit is normal for most people, but an extrovert who gets stuck in their head for weeks on end like Hamlet does go to a seriously unhealthy, depressive place because they do not cultivate an inner world that much and so can wallow and vanish into it. The natural state and desire of an extrovert is to get things done and impact the outer world in some way. For a Ne-dom, for example, they want their ideas seen, heard, discussed, experienced, to feel like they are making a difference in shaping the world for the better. They will think and ruminate and ponder, but they also want to act and feel driven to share things.