#but it's about her journey to find and accept herself more than anything

[mapis-putellas]

[ᴄᴏꜰꜰᴇᴇ ᴀɴᴅ ᴄʟᴇᴀᴛꜱ ]

Summary: You never intended to meet the love of your life on a random Friday at work, and you definitely never thought she’d be world famous footballer Alexia Putellas.

𝐂𝐡𝐚𝐩𝐭𝐞𝐫 𝟑

Your date with Alexia ends up lasting the entire day. After getting ice cream -the second activity Alexia had planned- you'd ended up taking a small road trip to the nearest beach just a few miles away. Due to the time of day it was still relatively crowded, but you'd managed to find a small unoccupied area near the water where Alexia had promptly laid out the hoodie she'd brought from the car for you to sit on.

She'd sat herself opposite, cross legged, just like you, with her knees flush against your own. It was kind of perfect honestly, just sitting with her talking about anything and everything. She even teaches you a few more Spanish words, high-fiving you and intertwining her hands with your own whenever you got something right.

Had it been just an excuse to touch you? Maybe? But you certainly hadn't minded.

You'd then spent at least an hour walking hand in hand down the shoreline, comfortable conversation still flowing smoothly between you. It was only when the sun had started to set did you make the joint decision to call it a day, the car ride back feeling a lot quicker than the initial journey there. She'd pulled up outside of your apartment just as the clock strikes nine pm, leaving the car running as she unbuckles her seatbelt and steps out. You watch her round the vehicle before reaching to your open door, not hesitating to take the hand she offers you and allowing her to help you out of the car.

You'd stared at one another for a few moments before you had step forward to loop your arms around her shoulders, pulling her into a tight hug, Alexia responding almost immediately by securing her arms around your waist and lifting you slightly off of your feet.

You cup the back of her head, effectively bringing her with you when she sets you back down and pressing your lips softly against her own. A few murmured assurances about a second date had briefly filled the silence, and then you'd both bid one another a rather reluctant goodbye, you waving her off from your place on the sidewalk.

You had entered your apartment feeling both ecstatic and sad. Ecstatic because this was officially the best date you'd ever been on and sad because it was over. That continues as you get ready for bed, but a text from Alexia sweetly bidding you a good night immediately cheers you up.

Throughout the remainder of the week, you and Alexia text pretty frequently. It's mostly in the evenings when she was free and the conversation was mostly pretty friendly with the occasional i hope to see you soon thrown in. It bums you a little that nothing had been brought up about a second date; especially when you'd asked her to let you know when she was free so you didn't plan something when she was busy. But it could simply be the fact that she had no free time and was waiting for a day to be available. That's what you've been telling yourself anyway, so not to drive yourself insane with the what ifs.

About three days after your first date is when she FaceTimes you for the first time. It was a little after eight at night, so you were in the bathroom getting ready for bed when your phone buzzes softly against the counter. You pick it up, blinking a little in surprise when you see the name on your screen but not hesitating to press accept.

"Hey." You smile, propping her up against the back of the sink as you continue wiping off your makeup.

She was in her car, you think, though it didn't seem as though she was driving. It was slightly dark, but you could make out the fact that she was wearing the same football kit she'd been wearing the day you'd met. Man, she really liked football huh?

"Hola, amor." She greets, reclining her seat back slightly so she could get more comfortable. She props her elbow up on the door, resting her head in her hand. "How has your day been?" She wonders.

You shrug slightly as you wet your face before uncapping your face wash, pouring some out onto your hand and rubbing it onto your skin. "It's been alright," you shrug. "work was long but productive. I ate some dinner and read my book and now I'm getting ready for bed. How was your day?" You quickly rinse off your face before drying it off with a clean towel.

Alexia sighs softly. "My day was good, gracias, amor." She offers you a tentative smile, one you don't hesitate to return. You bend down a little, resting your elbows against the counter and resting your face in your hands. Alexia tilts her head to the side, looking inquisitive as you stare at her.

"What is it?" She whispers after a few silent moments, and you sigh softly as you tuck a loose strand of hair behind your ear.

"Is it weird to say that I missed you?" You admit a little more bashfully than you would have liked, your cheeks flushing a light shade of red.

Alexia's features soften as she holds her phone a little closer to her face. "No," she shakes her head. "It is not weird. I missed you too. I have been trying to find a free day for our second date but I have been..."

"Busy," you nod, letting out a soft sigh as you pick up your moisturiser. "I know, I understand. I just wanted to tell you."

She nods. "Actually, I call because I have a question...for you."

"Ask away." You assure.

"I have training tomorrow, and I want to ask if...you could, wanted, to go with me?"

"Football training?" You ask, turning off the bathroom light and making your way into your bedroom.

"Sí." Alexia nods.

"You want me to go with you to training?"

"Yes. If you want to. Of course you do not have to, it will be boring, just sitting in the stands but..."

"I'll never turn down an opportunity to see you Alexia. Of course I'll come with you." You were quick to say as you settle against her headboard of your bed, propping your phone up with a pillow in front of you. "Just know I have no idea how any of it works." You warn somewhat seriously.

Alexia laughs. "That is okay. I will explain it to you." She assures.

"You will, huh?" You grin, reaching back to pull your hair back into a ponytail. Your tank top slips up your body at the action, slightly exposing your torso, and you pretend you don't notice the way her eyes not so subtly flicker down to get a look. She clears her throat softly just a few seconds later, a sheepish smile slipping onto her lips when she realises you'd caught her in the act.

"Promesa." She says after a few seconds, and you hum softly as lean back against the headboard of your bed.

"Wait," you abruptly sit back up. "does training count as a second date?"

"Uhhh..." she sends you a guilty smile.

"Alexia! I was supposed to plan the second date!"

*

It was only when Alexia pulls up outside of a large looking stadium the next day do you realise that maybe this whole football thing was a lot more serious than she'd been letting on.

You look around as you exit the car, seeing many others in matching football kits as Alexia grabs a large duffel bag out of the trunk. Some look right at to with a look of confusion on their faces, making you wonder if Alexia really had permission to bring you here after all.

You turn, ready to question her, but Alexia subtly shakes her head as she gestures you towards the entrance of the stadium. Though your confusion deepens, you comply and follow her inside, your eyes widening when you take note of people with cameras and phones filming everyone who passes as Alexia grasps your hand and pulls you out of the way of everyone.

"Alexia, what's going on? You said this was football training-"

"Sí," she cuts you off, squeezing your hand. "It is football training. I...I play for Barça."

"I-okay? I don't know what that means. Why are there people taking pictures? Why are there cameras?" You whisper the last part, not wanting anyone to overhear.

Alexia sighs lightly. "Vale. I...I am Alexia Putellas."

You raise an eyebrow as you lean back against the wall, shoving your hands into your pockets. "I know your name, dummy."

"No," she shakes her head. "I do not know how to explain in English. I do not know the right words. You have your phone, sí?"

You nod, your eyebrows furrowing.

She swallows heavily as she gestures for you to pull it out, and you comply. "Google my name. That will explain and I will answer the questions you have."

"I am so confused." You mutter, unlocking your phone and typing Alexia's name into google. Your eyes widen in disbelief at the results that greet you, lips parting in silent surprise as your body becomes entirely still. You blink rapidly, trying to clear the fog of bewilderment that had clouded your vision.

Alexia Putellas didn't just like football like you had assumed. She was a famous footballer.

You jump reflexively when you feel her hand gently come to rest on your arm, wincing a little when Alexia rips her hand away a though she'd been scolded.

"I..." you have absolutely no idea what to say.

"I know," Alexia murmurs. "I am sorry, I should have-"

You shake your head, holding a hand up to stop her from talking. She complies, but grows more antsy the longer you remain silent. You swallow heavily as you lock your phone, stuffing it back onto your pocket with a little more force than was maybe necessary.

"You're...famous. You're a famous footballer and you didn't think to tell me before bringing me here?" You didn't sound mad, just...confused, and maybe a little hurt too.

Alexia adjusts her kitbag on her shoulder before softly clearing her throat. "I wanted to," she promises. "but, I did not know how to say it. So I thought-"

"That bringing me here would tell me for you." You cut in, and Alexia visibly winces.

"Sí." She murmurs. "I am sorry."

You sigh lightly. "It's okay. I have...more questions, but you apparently have training and I don't want you to be late."

Alexia nods. "Are you still..."

You nod. "I'll still watch." You say, smiling a little at the breath of relief that slips from Alexia's lips as she tentatively holds out her hand. You take it, feeling the way she squeezes tightly as she leads you outside and towards the stands.

She offers you any of the seats, and you decide on one that was close enough to be able to see what was going on but far enough away where you wouldn't be too easily noticed. The last thing you wanted, or needed, right now, was questions. Questions you had no idea how to answer. You sit down with your bag on the seat next to you, expecting Alexia to head off to training but blinking in surprise when instead she crouches down before you and rests her hands on your knees.

"I am sorry, again," she murmurs, still evidently feeling bad. "I did lot mean to lie to you. I was just-"

"I know," you assure. "Like I said I'm not mad at you. Just confused. But you'll explain everything to me later, right?"

"Sí. Yes. Promesa," Alexia nods, "but I still-"

"Ale." You gently cup her cheeks, trailing the pads of your thumbs over the warm skin. Brown eyes flicker up and meet your own, lips quirking up into a hesitant smile. "we've only known each other a week. Been on one date. It's a big thing, telling someone this. I understand, truly."

Alexia shifts softly as she leans into your touch. "But you seemed upset," she whispers. "You jump when I touch you." 

"Because I wasn't expecting it," you admit with a soft smile. "I didn't flinch because I was upset. I flinched because it genuinely made me jump."

"Oh," Alexia mumbles, "vale. That is good then. I-"

"Alexia!" Someone calls her name.

You both turn your heads, spotting Mapi's familiar face staring right back at you. You wave, genuinely happy to see her again and Mapi grins widely as she returns it before she once again gestures for Alexia to come over.

Alexia nods in acknowledgment before turning back to face you. "I have to go now, you have food yes? And drinks?"

"Sí." You nod, taking the hands on your knees and giving them a soft squeeze. "I have entertainment too. I have a book, my iPad. I'll be fine. Go do what you gotta do."

Alexia nods, leaning forward to kiss your cheek before standing up. She goes to walk away before abruptly stopping and unzipping her bag before rummaging through it, turning back to face you just a few seconds late with a hoodie in her grasp.

You shake your head softly. "Ale, it's hot. I don't nee-”

"Just in case, amor," She folds it up before placing it on your lap. "I do not want you to get cold."

You know full well you wouldn't get cold, but the thought of Alexia worrying that you would and offering you her hoodie fills your stomach with butterflies.

"Okay," you accept. "Thank you."

Alexia nods, sending you one last smile before hurrying down to the large field. She was immediately greeted with Mapi's knowing smile, Alexia rolling her eyes playfully as the rest of her teammates approach her. Someone says something promoting every single pair of eyes down there to meet your own, and you stare wide eyed for a second before bravely bringing your hand up for a cautious wave.

Some wave back. Some smile. One in particular; a brunette with her hair tied back into a ponytail slips away from the group, a wide grin on her face as she makes her way towards you. You wince internally when neither Alexia or Mapi seem to notice, hoping to god your terror wasn't noticeable as she makes it to the seat next to you and sits down.

"Hola," the brunette grins. "Soy Aitana. Eres la novia de Alexia?"

You stare at her blankly.

She frowns. "No hablas español?"

You somehow manage to understand this and promptly shake your head.

"Ahh," she nods before pointing to herself. "I am Aitana." She says slowly, accent thick, before pointing to you. "You are?"

"I'm Y/n."

"Ahh. And you are Alexia's girlfriend, sí?"

"Aitana! Vuelve aquí!" A voice you don't recognise calls out, but Aitana ignores it as she looks at you expectantly.

You swallow heavily before shaking her head. "Um, no. I'm not her girlfriend."

"You are not?" She frowns, and you shake your head again.

"We've only been on one date. This is the second." You explain.

Her frown deepens. "El entrenamiento de fútbol fur su gran idea para una segunda cita? Idiota, Alexia." She grumbles to herself.

You didn't understand the first part of her sentence, but you sure did understand the second. She thought Alexia was an idiot.

"Aitana! Ahora!" Calls that voice again, and Aitana waves them off as she sighs heavily and turns in her seat a little to face you.

"I will talk to her." She reaches her hand out to pat your leg in what you assumed was an action of reassurance, and though you didn't quite know what she planned to talk to Alexia about, you find yourself nodding your head in hopes it'd get her to head back to training before she got you both in trouble.

"Aitana!"

"I am going now, but we will talk later, yes?" She questions as she rises to her feet, and you nod somewhat dumbly as she turns makes her way back down to the field. She skips right over to Alexia who was in the middle of talking to someone, tapping her on the shoulder to get her attention. The second she has it, she begins talking, waving her hands about animatedly as she gestures from you to the field around you placing her hands on her hips.

Alexia watches on in mild concern and confusion before her eyes flicker over to you. Her eyebrow raises in silent question, and you nod assuringly, not at all affected by Aitana despite how enthusiastic she'd been.

Her other brow raises, almost as though she was asking if you were sure, and you nod again, this time throwing her a double thumbs up for good measure.

Alexia nods, turning back to face Aitana. As she begins to talk, you rummage through the small bag you brought and pull out your iPad. You'd download a few new books this morning that you knew would occupy you for the entirety of the time you were here, and as you select one, you lean back a little in your seat in hopes of getting a little more comfortable.

*

Alexia's training ends up lasting a little over four hours, and you surprisingly manage to keep yourself appropriately occupied for little over three of them. You read your book, play a few games and even make a good dent in the snacks you'd brought. It was part way through the fourth hour that you start becoming a little restless.

In an attempt at distracting yourself, you try and follow along the little scrimmage match that Alexia and her teammates were having, but it ultimately proves ineffective when you have absolutely no idea who was winning or what was even going on.

Eventually, you're forced to stand, shrugging on the hoodie that had been on your lap ever since Alexia had put it there before beginning to pace, subconsciously bringing the sleeve to your face to take in her scent. It smelt just as you remember.

You manage a total of five laps before your name was called, your eye's immediately flickering towards the direction it had come from. It was Alexia. She was stood at the edge of the field, gesturing you over with a smile on her face, and you hesitate for only a second before grabbing your things and making your way down.

She immediately throws an arm over your shoulder the second you were close enough, pressing a rather sweaty kiss to your forehead in which you just about manage to refrain from wiping away. You completely miss the smirk that graces her features at the sight of you in her hoodie.

"They want to meet you. Is that okay?" She murmurs quietly, gesturing to her teammates who were talking amongst themselves just a few feet away. You glance between them and Alexia as you lean slightly into her side, a rather hesitant look on your face. Alexia's facial expression was much the same, almost as though she'd tried to talk them out of it but had ultimately failed to to do.

"You can say no, amor. I will not be mad, and they will not either.” she assures softly, and you let out a quiet exhale through your nose before nodding your head. Getting it over and some with would be the easiest option, right?

"Vale, come on then."

**

Tags:

@simp4panos @goldenempyrean @xxnaiaxx @liloandstitchstan @girlgenius1111 @codiemarin @marysfics

[impval]

the knight in shining armor

Cate Dunlap x Fem! Asexual reader

First things first, we all know that Cate is batshit crazy and she defintly ride-or-die type of person.

Cate has never really had a healthy relationship with romance. There’s a hint of bitterness every time she glances at a couple holding hands, a quiet jealousy that sits in the pit of her stomach.

Years of isolation and being deprived of physical affection have made Cate touch-starved. But only a thought of her own power terrifies her. She fears that if she gets close to someone, she might harm them, just like her brother or worse.

The gloves were both a shield and a cage for Cate. She couldn't help but yearn for what others took for granted—that simple connection between a loved one and their touch. She wanted to feel the heat of someone's palms against her own, to run her fingers through soft hair, to hold someone close and breathe in their scent. But those were just distant dreams.

Cate's reputation as a "bitch" is well-earned. Life has only made her tougher and less likely to hesitate when it comes to protecting herself or those who she cares about.

And oh, the lengths she will go to just to get a little bit of affection, a little bit of attention. She'll do anything for a moment of warmth and connection, even if it means sacrificing her own well-being in the process.

And you...you were nice. A nerd who preferred a book to a party, a game night to a club, and a fanfic to real life. Your circle of friends was small and you were perfectly content with that. Popularity and fame didn't interest you—you were happy in your own little world.

But like most people, you had your own share of traumas and complexes—deep-rooted fears and insecurities. You knew from a young age that you were attracted to girls. It was a simple fact, a natural part of your own identity. It was easy to recognize the beauty in women, and yet...there was something else hidden deep within you that made things more complicated.

Asexual characters were few and far between, and it was rare to find someone to relate to—somebody who knew what it was like to feel differently about sex than the rest of the world. It was isolating, this feeling of being a part of a minority within a minority.

The journey to self-acceptance was a long and hard one. But you stopped trying to be someone else, stopped hurting yourself in the process. Though you didn't shout about your asexuality from the rooftops, you no longer hid it either. You were honest about it on dates, accepting the fact that it might cost you some potential relationships.

And all that you wanted, really, was love—the love of someone who would accept you.

Cate was not one to judge or make assumptions about people’s sexuality. Unlike a lot of people, she was familiar with the term. Having spent nine fucking years in isolation, she had spent her fair share of time educating herself about different sexual and romantic orientations.

Indeed, Cate loved sex. It was never a question. She spent many hours lost in fantasies, picturing saviors like Maeve or Soldier Boy whisking her away and spending the night satisfying her every desire.

It was difficult for Cate not to be drawn to you. You weren't the most popular student in school, but you weren't a total social outcast either. You weren't shy or awkward, but you tended to keep to your circle of close friends.

You weren't perfect—far from it, in fact, but you chose to be kind, even when your own life was a tangled up mess. It was something so inherently good, so pure that it almost made her uncomfortable. But at the same time, it drew her to you like a moth to a flame.

It didn't take long for Cate to realize that talking to you was actually quite enjoyable. Your sense of humor had a sharper edge than your gentle demeanor would suggest. Oddly enough, you never took offense to Cate's cutting remarks. In fact, it seemed as if you took a liking to her abrasiveness, always able to soften her edges with a well-placed comment or a sarcastic remark of your own.

Touch was your love language—it was how you expressed your affection and care for others. Whether it was wrapping an arm around a friend's shoulders or giving a bear hug, you were never shy about showing physical affection. It was the same with Cate. It was like you didn't even care that she could control people with just a touch. You trusted her completely, more so than her own friends ever did.

You were pretty much aware of your feelings for Cate. Though you'd already resigned yourself to the fact that she probably didn't feel the same way. After all, you were used to being seen as nothing more than a friend. And Cate knew you were asexual, and she was not only supportive, but downright sweet about it. Her acceptance was so refreshing, so rare, that you didn't want to risk ruining friendship you shared.

You fell first, but Cate fell harder.

It took some time for Cate to recognize her own feelings. She was used to being the object of desire, the subject of lustful gazes. And it drove Cate mad. She was able to sense your emotions, almost taste your thoughts, and she could feel the depth of your feelings for her. You wanted her, accepted her for who she was without a second thought.

And the lack of sex didn't bother her at all. She would give you the world if it meant you would stay with her forever, if it meant she could keep you all for herself.

Cate didn't just like you, she had become obsessed with you. She craved your attention, yearned for the way your eyes lit up when she entered the room.

It was ironic, really. Cate had been pursued and wooed many times before, but now she found herself eager to be the one doing the courting. She didn't waste any time and quickly took charge, planning a date she knew you would enjoy.

Date was perfect. Flowers, delicious food, and a romantic atmosphere that was meant specifically for you. The nerves she felt were even more intense than when she first left the room her parents had locked her in. She didn't want to mess things up, not with you.

It couldn't have gone better. You were wary at first, still guarded from past experiences, but soon you relaxed. It was Cate, after all. The one who knew and accepted your asexuality, who never judged you, and who you had grown to care for deeply.

Now that you are completely hers, she can't keep her hands away from you. Holding hands, hugging, and kissing in public are all things she's more than willing to do, not caring one bit about what others think. After all, being affectionate with you is her way of signaling to the world that you're hers.

She nothing if not respectful of your boundaries. Cate was very honest about the fact that she desired sex with you, but your happiness and comfort were her priority. She never made you feel pressured or forced into anything you weren't comfortable with.

Cate's protectiveness knew no bounds. She couldn't bear the thought of anyone hurting you or even bothering you in the slightest. Your open asexuality and the fact that you were dating Cate led to rumors, resulting in some less-than-kind words about you. Even though you tried to appear unfazed, Cate could sense how the comments affected you.

She wouldn't let it slide. Cate didn't hesitate to use her power, her reputation, and even her friends to shut down the biggest mouths. Nobody was allowed to mess with you.

Cate have some deep insecurities, she constantly wondering if she's good enough for you and fear of you leaving her for someone else. Insecurity often leads her to ask if she's doing enough to make you happy or if you still love her. You always reassuring her, emphasizing that you're with her by choice, that you love her.

Even with her sharp tongue, biting sarcasm, Cate was undeniably your knight in shining armor. She was your sanctuary, the one who made you feel loved and safe. And you were her anchor.

[uponawhitehorse13]

Hi! Can i request some Arcuied, Ciel and Akiha x Gn! Reader who is a total sweet heart and top tier husband/wife/spouse material? Like they are soo sweet and patient with them and gives unconditional love and support? (Also they cook for them)

Arcueid, Ciel and Akiha with a "spouse material" S/O

-Arcueid is in heaven. She is openly affectionate with you, you’re openly affectionate with her. It’s a match made in heaven. The only people at a loss are the people around you. With you two being so sappy with each other you have been told more than once to go get a room.

-She has surprisingly low standards for food. Eating anything you make her like it’s the best food ever made. However she’s always on her journey of trying out new things. So you’re either gonna be constantly learning new recipes or alternating between your cooking and eating out. 

-She will feel it’s unfair for you to be the only one cooking so she will take it upon herself to learn to cook. This will be an interesting process. You shouldn’t let her figure things out on her own. It is far safer to be there guiding her through every step.

-She’s also not the type of person to stay in one place for too long. Her yearning for new things and functionally unlimited financial assets will lead to you two travelling quite a lot. While staying at home enjoying all your attention is nice and all with her not needing to have a job she gets bored pretty quickly.

-Ciel finds all the affection incredibly embarrassing in public. She’ll for the most part quietly accept it while blushing out of her mind. Arihiko is always complaining about you two lovebirds. In private Ciel is a lot more accepting of the affection. Sometimes even outperforming you.

-During her youth she always expected to be the one taking the more domestic role in a relationship so your behaviour did throw her for a loop in the beginning. She quickly adjusted though. It honestly feels more natural to have you staying safe at home while she’s out “working”.

-While she loves and appreciates your cooking her love for curry always prevails. If you’re planning on making food for her on a more consistent basis you’ll need to learn an incredibly wide variety of ways to prepare curry. 

-Akiha on the surface is very much unhappy. All the attention your actions attract is not good for her image. Especially since she’s blushing so hard. In private she still tries to keep the act up despite completely melting at any affection.

-The cooking is going to cause some issues. You see Akiha keeps insisting you don’t need to do it. She can just have Kohaku cook and if you insist on something she can’t make she has more than enough money for restaurants. The actual reason she doesn’t like you cooking is Kohaku. She gets very jealous of all the time you spend with her. Going so far as to think she’s trying to steal you away. 

-After an awkward conversation she asks Kohaku to teach her how to cook. She wants to keep it a secret so she can surprise you. She actually ends up being pretty good at cooking. She’s mostly happy about getting to spend more time with you.

[iliveforyouilongforyouvesuvia]

What do you think M6’s answers would be to the question “is it better to feel all the pain or nothing at all?” I haven’t played all the routes so I can’t answer for everyone but I think

Julian -feel it all

Asra -nothing

Muriel -at the start of his route nothing but as he grows as a character it would shift slowly to feel it all

Portia -feel it all

I’d also love to hear your answer if you’re comfortable with that! As someone who’s felt both my answer is nothing bc in my experience the numbness allows you to still function. Even if the life you’re experiencing isn’t as full as it could be, you still get to experience it. When I become so overwhelmed by Everything I completely shut down and cease to be a person. I am my emotions. And I think in Asra’s route this kinda gets explored in that they choose to not feel as deeply ever again bc a muted life with MC is better than a full one without them. Anyway can you tell I recently reread The Giver lol

Woah, that's a good question friend!!

To be completely honest, I think all the M6 progress from the "numb" to the "willing to feel everything" point throughout their routes - as is the case for many people who are in the healing process! (essay below the cut)

Julian, while fully embracing the misery of his situation, is also running from the part of him that wants a happy ending. Meeting the MC is his slow journey of self-acceptance, realizing that his happiness is valuable and worth fighting for. He stops choosing one feeling to drown out all the others and starts feeling everything in a context of loving and being loved.

Asra's in a similar situation. They don't see giving up half their heart as something to regret, but they still talk about the reduced ability to be attached to people as a loss. Reconnecting with MC, being able to slowly bring down the walls that used to facilitate a drifting, untethered survival mode, allows him to start caring more about the people around him since he has a person to call home again.

When Nadia wakes up, she's lost. Seven years of memory have blipped out of view, she's responsible for a city she knows very little about, and the people who are supposed to help her are only getting in her way. She speaks of a similar numb state, being detached and uninvested in the world around her, until meeting MC and finding a way forward gives her what she needs to flourish again. We see a lot of that emotional progression in her reconnecting with her family.

Muriel is an almost textbook case of complex trauma and the myriad of coping mechanisms that arise from trying to escape it. I've written whole essays on the effects of his deal on that process before, but his journey with MC starts with him just wanting them to forget about him, and ends with him asking MC to help him collect the memories of himself and his people.

Portia isn't quite as much numb as she is stuck. From the moment her parents' ship wrecked, she's lived her life in the orbit of other people. First her older brother, then the children and grandmas of Nevivon, then her older brother again, now the Countess - it isn't until she begins to receive that same attention from MC that she starts to really own herself and discover the true depth of her capacity. While we never see her choosing to be numb, we do see her hesitating to come fully into her own. With MC's empowerment, that's exactly what she ends up being able to do.

And finally, Lucio - he's literally numb. He's spent the last three years trapped between realms in a ghostly form that won't let him feel anything at all beyond hunger. While MC is instrumental in returning him the capacity to feel, it's Lucio's own choice to take advantage of that as a fresh start.

[wilcze-kudly]

After reading your post in regards to Toph being a cop — in your opinion, what do you think she should’ve become if she didn’t become a cop?

Honestly, part of me doesn't even think Toph should become anything lol. Or at least, not at once. She deserves to have the freedom she wanted so much, so I'd honestly just want to see her travelling and experiencing the worldz doing whatever the hell she wants.

Something I've been thinking about way too much ehen it comes to Toph is how she didn't really set out to change the world/defeat Ozai, like the rest of the Gaang. Of course, I don't think she was apathetic towards their cause, but we can't forget that her main motivation was to free herself from her parents.

Which she achieved by travelling with the Gaang, making friends while also hrowing as a person. I truly believe that even in canon, those were the best years in Toph's life, which may be why she chose to live in the same swamp that set Aang on his journey to her.

So when the Gaang managed to defeat Ozai and the Fire Nation, it was a new start for Aang, Katara, Sokka and Zuko. But for Toph it was kind of the death of the freedom and companionship she loved from their travels.

After the war, the Gaang became political figures which sucks for Toph because a) she hates politics and b) it sets more restraints in how she operates. People know her as the Avatar's friend and so the underground fighters she used to run with see her as a lawbringer.

So I could see Toph trying to make bending battles more legal and accepted. Hell, I like the idea of her being heavily engaged in probending, if not helping develop it.

I like the idea of Toph never getting tied down to a profession, though.

It won't be the same with her not always being able to have the Gaang at her side, but I think she might enjoy going solo for a bit. I can see her as a risk taker and daredevil, always trying to find another challenge, be it by dealing with a bunch of bandits or climbing a tall mountain.

The members of the Gaang would probably occasionally tag along with her, particularly Aang when he gets that Nomad itch and she'd visit them frequently.

As she grows older she might become more accustomed to her new influence and role in the post war world, but I can't ever really see her engaging in politics on the level that Aang Katara, Sokka and Zuko would.

But I can see her trying to rebuild Earthbender culture and particularly try to bring Earthbending back to the finesse and artistry it had before the Fire Nation.

This ties back to the idea that due to the Fire Nation's constant invasion onto the Earth Kingdom, earthbending stopped being treated with the respect it used to have as a bending form. As Fire Nationals would see Earth Kingdom citizens as inferior and by extent, their bending arts. Plus rounding up all benders and locking them away wouldn't really create a space for techniques to be passed down. Additionally, Earthbenders themselves would probably have to prioritise combat based bending rather than the more artistic cultural aspects of it. Hence Earthbending being a sort of less refined or spiritual 'throw rock really hard'

While Toph doesn't have much of a regard for tradition, I think she still feels strongly about her ties to the Earth Kingdom and with timez I could see her wanting to bring Earthebender culture into the future. It could start with her pushing to relearn older techniques that were lost to time, and perhaps trying to retrieve artifacts stolen by the Fire Nation. (INDIANA JONES TOPH- *gets shot*)

Also, throughout the series we see her seem to develop an interest in non combative bending. So it would be interesting to see her try to revive artistry in earthbending, particularly sculpting. I think it would be kinda cute, since it would be the first time she would be able to engage with art without someone having to describe it for her.

Like look at how many statues of herself she made it's fucking adorable. Look at her gooo!

So I could see her following some artistic hobbies as well, maybe trying to restore old Earth Kingdom monuments and scupltures. Since I think seismic sense could help her with archeological endeavours etc, like it did with the library.

I don't know if Toph could enjoy one singular vocation, due to her constant need for challenge and stimulation, so I think travelling the world and looking for various adventures and jobs would be the best fit. Since even if she's passionate about something, she can get burnt out if things get too repetitive, as we see with her metalbending academy.

Essentially, I think she should become the dragonborn from Skyrim.

[knight-princess]

The way that magic in Willow is tied so deeply into belief is so well done, and I love how Elora and Willow walk similar but different journeys with it. The way that, at the edge of the world, above the waterfall, they reach their lowest points, the breaking that is the province of the shattered sea, the last hurdle. Willow’s, “I’m just a farmer who got lucky,” summaries perfectly the self doubt he has always struggled with. He has it within him, but he takes the wind out of his own sails and second guesses himself, right from his first impulse when he himself took the finger test. When he has confidence in himself, he can do great things. The ‘magic’ that saves baby Elora, the disappearing pig trick, works precisely because he sells it, performing it so confidently even Bavmorda believes him. It’s all about confidence. But even that very success undermines him, because he feels he can’t live up to it; it adds to his fear and self doubt, that everyone thinks he did incredible magic. But he did; the confidence is the key, the true miracle. If he believes he is the greatest sorcerer that has ever lived, he is. And Elora, “I don’t want to be Elora Danan,” Elora reveals to them, at her lowest point, atop the waterfall. “I just want to go home.” Acceptance and belief in herself are her hurdles too, but manifested as her fear of taking up the role and responsibility of ‘Elora Danan’, a mantle with much weighing on it, as the woodcutters in episode three illustrate, and the threat of the Crone and the Wyrm who don’t just want her dead, even before you get to any responsibility being empress will set her up for. And she tries across the series; her promise to Willow, to study and practise hard, she lives up to. But her true block is deeper than correct pronunciation of spells. Elora tells Jade in the Mines of Skellin that the closer she reaches for the magic, the harder it seems; the more she thinks she understands it, the further away it seems. “I grew the eckleberry bush,” she tells Willow. “Which was apparently amazing.” The way that yes, she did grow it, but it sprung only after she’d been taken away, so she didn’t even know it had grown at all because she didn’t see. Kit tells her; even in episode four, Kit’s belief in her helps her find her belief in herself. And what she does isn’t anything she’s been taught. The way she ‘kisses’ Graydon, pulling the evil out of him that way, was all her. Her trust in her own ability, her own magic, feeling it, tentative as it is at this stage. “It’s not that you don’t have the power,” the Crone tells her. “It’s conviction you lack.” And therein lies Elora’s problem: she puts so much effort into learning, but the magic was always within her. She needs to accept who she is. She can practise all she likes, but while she does not accept her role and her nature, there will always be blocks. Willow tells us to believe in ourselves. That we have to be brave. Magic as something you are, not something you do

[illuminatedquill]

Ahsoka Variety Interview Thoughts

Hello, Sabezra nation!

So, it will probably start spilling out soon but, yes, some of the cast members from Ahsoka - Rosario Dawson, Natasha Liu Bordizzo, Hayden Christensen and some guy named Dave Filoni - did an interview with Variety recently to talk about the show.

Now, I know what you're thinking: was there anything regarding Sabine and Ezra's relationship?

And the answer is a resounding NOPE.

But, it's still a very interesting article and there were a few tidbits that stood out to me that I feel is Sabezra related. So, I'll talk about that here.

First up: an interesting quote from Sabine Wren herself, Natasha.

I've written about this before in a previous post but it's very nice to have it be validated here by Natasha: that Sabine is, indeed, meant to come off as Anakin-coded in this first season of Ahsoka.

Others in this fandom have also noted this and this certainly lends credence to Sabine's feelings for Ezra being more than platonic. Sabine's decision to doom their galaxy in exchange for her friend's safety has enormous ramifications for the Star Wars universe going forward - and only one other character has had such an impact on the franchise: Anakin Skywalker.

Anakin made his choice out of desperation to save his wife, Padme. Star Wars loves its mythological cycles. Lucas passed on that love to Filoni so, in theory, Sabine should be following in the foot-steps of the disaster lineage of Jedi she is now a part of.

But, as I've noted before, one of Ahsoka's themes is trying to break cycles. Baylon wants to break the cycle of endless wars, Ahsoka wants to break the cycle of darkness plaguing her Jedi lineage, and Sabine wants to break the cycle of loss that's all too prevalent in her life.

What does that mean? It means that Filoni has the opportunity to do something that Anakin couldn't with Sabine: show a proper redemptive arc. Find a way to move forward with Ezra and everyone else she betrayed. Find a way to be forgiven and properly atone for her mistakes - preferably without dying or someone else dying on her behalf.

Of course, this is just interpretation on my behalf. The skeptic in me points out that Natasha is only referring to Sabine's recklessness and inner struggles as being what Ahsoka sees as similar to her former master. There's no mention of Ezra.

But we know that one of Anakin's "inner struggles" was his increasing attachment and feelings for Padme. So, is a stretch to say that these inner struggles that Sabine is wrestling with include her yet undisclosed feelings for her friend Ezra? No, not really.

With what Filoni set up from this first season, it's an inevitability that - at some point - Sabine is going to be questioned about why she made that decision. I personally see it as integral to her journey as a Jedi. Which means that Sabine needs to search her feelings and come to understand them.

It's significant that Natasha points out the echoes of Anakin in Sabine's personality and actions. It says quite a lot.

And to back up the whole "reverse Anidala" theory I have, here's what Filoni says in this next quote:

So this quote is Filoni referencing Ahsoka's struggles with Anakin's legacy as Vader during Rebels and then later in Ahsoka.

"How does that affect somebody when a person that they really admire and looked up to turned out not to be the person they thought they were? Are we all just capable of a fall from grace? And what is forgiveness? What shape does that look like?"

But, keeping this in mind, you could also apply this to Sabine's situation with Ezra, along with everyone else she cares about that was put directly in harm's way with her decision (Hera, Jacen, Zeb, Chopper).

Ahsoka, having come to terms with her own long struggle of forgiving and accepting Anakin for who he was, now has something else to offer Sabine other than showing her how to fight: how to forgive.

Sabine is, presumably (hopefully if Filoni isn't just going to sweep her actions under the rug), going to be struggling with the ramifications of her betrayal at some point in the future. And, not to mention, everyone else also finding out and will most likely be upset, to say the least.

Ahsoka, armed with her own knowledge of how to navigate that thorny path, can be a mediator in that regard. She'll stand with Sabine, as she promised - not condoning her actions, but providing understanding and her own special viewpoint on how to forgive and move on from such an incredibly selfish and destructive action (thanks to Anakin) - and help everyone else find a way to do so, as well.

I figure Ezra and Hera will probably be the focal point of conflict for Sabine. Hera, for obvious reasons, will be upset since Sabine helped kick-start another potential war with the Empire - something she does not want her child to experience growing up in like she and countless others did.

And there's also the matter of how it directly undermines what Kanan and Ezra sacrificed so much for.

As for Ezra . . . I don't know. It's complicated. No idea how Filoni is planning to tackle that. But it's going to hurt him.

It's going to hurt him so much.

But with Ahsoka's presence, it stands to reason that Sabine and Ezra can find a way to reconcile and build something new and stronger from the ruins of their prior relationship.

Other interesting items/observations from the interview:

Filoni already has an outline for Ahsoka season 2. (Nothing confirmed about a renewal, but he's got one ready.)

Hayden Christensen makes an interesting observation about Anakin's return being that he now has the power to wield both the Light Side and Dark Side of the Force, which also gives him the power to save Ahsoka . . . the same power he was trying to obtain when he pledged himself to the Dark Side during Revenge of the Sith.

There are no current plans on Baylon's recasting as of yet. Filoni is still figuring that out. (RIP, Ray Stevenson).

Natasha sees Ahsoka season 1 as setting up "enduring drama" between Ahsoka and Sabine. They still obviously have a lot to work out to mend their relationship - like what happened to Sabine's family and how that was somehow Ahsoka's fault, also Ahsoka stopping her training shortly afterwards.

There is only one direct mention of Thrawn and Ezra: Filoni's decision to send them to another galaxy was because keeping them in the home one was too easy ("too many people travelling, flying around; you can send a signal and get found"). He knew about other galaxies from a scene in Attack of the Clones.

A word of caution: we'll probably be getting more interviews like this within the coming weeks so there will be, presumably, lots of new info coming in.

Hopefully we'll be getting interviews from Eman and Ivanna, as well, since I'm interested to hear more about their characters (Ezra, for obvious reasons, but Shin we definitely need to know more about) and what they might be up to in a future season.

But . . . some of these interviews might contain, shall we say, indications of where certain relationships might go or where whomever is being interviewed think they might go.

So saying this now: unless it comes from the hat man himself, don't get too caught up in whatever is said. It's all fun and speculation.

Sorry for the long ramble. Hope this all makes sense.

See you all down the road.

[c-rose2081]

Ariana and Audrey are all three relationships at the same time:

Mother and daughter: Audrey has to be firm with Ariana at this point to keep her on track and out of destructive habits, which is totally annoying to a seventeen year old girl who just wants to live her own way (aka in trouble). But Audrey also offers a sense of safety, stability, and comfort that Ari never got from her own parents growing up. She’s used to doing whatever she wants because no one’s ever cared enough to stop her, which is new and unfamiliar. Despite all the bickering they do, Ariana knows she can go to Auds for anything, while Audrey’s willing to step up and be the support her cousin needs at a moments notice.

Sister and Sister: It’s easy to forget (seeing how Audrey really grew up fast post D3) that she and Ariana are only a few years apart in age. They technically attended Auradon Prep at the same time (Ariana was a freshman when Audrey was a Senior). Yes Auds has to be maternal towards her cousin to keep her out of trouble, but they are also close enough in age that they can still communicate like the young adults they are. Away from prying eyes, they bicker and push each other around, argue over stupid things, share clothing, and generally just do stupid shit together. You may even find them in the RoyalMart at 2AM looking for snacks and cheap wine (Auds is a wine mom, 100%).

Cousin and Cousin: Despite becoming closer than they were in childhood, Audrey and Ariana still grew up in very different (emotionally destructive) households. Where Audrey had flakey but generally loving parents when they were around, she spent more time under Queen Leah, who was…well…herself (forcing her own granddaughter to villainy with her impossible expectations and passive agressive disappointment). Ariana on the other hand grew up with very present parents that blatantly didn’t care about her, her choices, or her general wellbeing (she didn’t exist until her presence was of some use).

That being said, these two can be incredibly selfish and mean spirited, especially towards one another. Audrey—being further along in her healing journey than her cousin—can often recognize when she’s falling back into old habits and fix her behavior. Ariana, however, is still young, emotionally dysregulated and volatile. Ari’s not mean like Audrey was (for the sake of control/for the acceptance of others), she just doesn’t like people in general and is cruel to protect her safe space—a habit learned from her mother. She’s working through it slowly with therapy and support, but the road is rocky and she hasn’t taken to it well.

Hadie is a good match for her as he’s the perfect mix of protective, patient, sweet, and stubborn, unwilling to let Ariana shove him away with a few mean words. She can try to be tough all she wants, but Ariana’s almost all bark with no bite unless she’s actively being threatened and catches that fight or flight.

[ryanstillwrites-if]

“Love is how you stay alive, even after you are gone.” - Mitch Albom

On a Wednesday morning, you leave your doctor's office with the diagnosis of an inoperable brain tumour and the knowledge of an estimated four months left to live.

Suddenly left without any direction in your life, you find yourself in a support group for the terminally ill. Where you expected to find sadness, melancholy and a looming sense of dread at thought of a fast approaching death - all the same feelings you harbour - you find smiles and laughter instead.

You're drawn in by the people you meet there, curious and confused by their carefree attitudes. They're kind to you, they take you in, they turn your frown upside down - literally and figuratively. And just when you think you might be beginning to accept your fate; they decide to throw all caution to the wind and whisk you away on the adventure of a lifetime.

You don't know what will come of the next four months but with your new friends at your side, you're excited to find out. After all, this is the only life you've been given, and though it may be ending soon; you might as well live it to the fullest.

More Than Me is a story about love, friendship, found family and acceptance. It will deal with heavy topics such as death and illness, and may be uncomfortable for some readers. Viewer discretion is advised.

Demo: Chapter One, Part Two • Character Descriptions

Customise the main character in appearance, gender and personality

Meet and befriend a cast of characters, four of which you'll be able to pursue a romance with

Experience a new world as you road trip cross country with your new friends

Live your live to the fullest while you still can

Adelaide Scholz - 29 • F • RO

A bit rough around the edges, Adelaide is a personality that takes some getting used to. Sharp tongued, self deprecating and blunt as baseball bat, Adelaide always has something to say - most times at the annoyance of others. But a stage 4 lung cancer patient such as herself doesn't have the time nor patience to care what anyone thinks of her. With her leather jacket and a carton of cigarettes in her back pocket, doomed to forever be unlit, she's ready to see the sights and if need be, kick some ass. She'll try, at least.

Hayden Della Rocca - 31 • F/M • RO

Hayden is probably the happiest person you'll ever meet, despite their failing heart. Diagnosed with cardiomyopathy just shy of graduating university, they've been on the transplant waitlist ever since but they haven't let that stop them. Having been cooped up in their studio working as a freelance artist, they're now ready to take on the world, pacemaker and all; and heaven help you if you try slow them down.

Gabriel Torres - 30 • M • RO

There's not much to say about Gabriel, mostly because no one knows anything about him besides his chronic liver failure. He's silent and mysterious but he's always happy to spare a smile if he catches you staring. Though preferring to keep to himself, he's more than willing to share his secrets as long as you're willing to listen.

Jordan Michaels - 32 • F/M/NB • Non-RO

Your support group's therapist, somewhat unwillingly dragged along on your adventure. Very straight-laced and a stickler for rules, Jordan fears the worst the second they agree to join you. Now the designated driver and parent of the group, Jordan tries their hardest to keep everyone in line. But despite their initial reluctance, they'll learn to let loose and finally have fun; so long as everyone takes their meds.

Mavis/Maverick Chen - 31 • F/M • RO

A quirky and eccentric bartender you meet on your journey. Longing for a change of scenery, they jump at the offer to join you. Beyond their eccentricities - somehow both charming and strange - they fit in surprisingly well among your group, bringing new life to the party; pun intended. They help open your eyes to new experiences and hey, if all else fails, they can at least make you a mean drink.

Kade Weston - 22 • M • Non-RO

After being in remission for almost four years, Kade is forced to step back from medical school when his leukemia relapses and hits him hard. Unwilling to endure chemo for the second time, he is all too happy to pack his bags and hit the road. It’s clear he’s running from his problems, in spite of all Jordan’s hardwork, but maybe this trip is exactly what he needs. But whether he finds acceptance or continues running to the very end, he knows all of you will stand by his side.

Margaret Evans - 84 • F • Non-RO

A sweet old lady who’s always willing to lend an ear, share a story or offer one of the many caramel sweets she keeps in her purse. You’re shocked to discover the secret wild side she keeps beneath those wool cardigans and breast cancer diagnosis. She’s the ultimate wing woman and, though you hate to admit it, a better dancer than all of you combined.

[gigglymarvel]

Discovering Trust

Chapter One - The Rescue

Welcome to our new series! We’ve added a reader insert this time and it starts off with them getting rescued from your capture, thus meeting Natasha and Wanda for the first time. Enjoy 💕

Word count: 1302

Warnings: None

Natasha was experienced at retrieval missions, and there were blips on Fury’s radar about a new possible recruit with powers that may be in hiding, denial, or unaware of their powers. 

Wanda was to accompany Natasha, but as a secondary reinforcement and to ensure cover to return to the jet in case there were any complications. 

You had always been weird but lately, you couldn't help but feel everything everyone was feeling. And you always had a bond with animals but lately, it seems you could nearly have conversations with them, though it wasn't words so much as an understanding. 

“Are you certain we have everything planned out?” Wanda asked Natasha, a little nervous as this was the first time she had done anything like this.

You winced, looking over to see a cat looking at you as you lay on your bed. You didn’t expect anyone’s presence, but for some reason, you sensed in the feline that some major changes were about to happen.

Nat put a reassuring hand on Wanda's shoulder, “There is never a way to plan everything out, but we can do our best to adjust to that which comes our way. Research shows this one is a bit timid so maybe approach from the front and I'll cover the back in case she panics?” 

Wanda nodded, understanding what it was like to be nervous. She therefore wanted to do everything she could to try and comfort you and reassure you that you were going to be safe. “Will we have time to talk to her before we take her or will it be just a grab-and-go kinda deal?”

The idea is you talk to her. Grab and go is in case she runs.” The Widow assured her. Wanda nodded, as they approached the building you were in, the two scanned the area so they knew where exactly you were.

Nat snuck up the back balcony and sent Wanda to the front door since she was the less intimidating of the two of you. She simply used her magic to let herself in, quickly and quietly going upstairs to find you curled up on your bed.

“Hey… Y/N? You’re safe now, would you like to come with us?” Wanda offered you gently, not yet touching you as she wasn’t sure if you were frightened.

You immediately knew who she was, you could trust her and believed her words. You stood up, nodding silently as you packed a few bits and pieces, but kept to yourself as Wanda took you back to the jet, nodding towards Natasha.

The redheaded Widow greeted you softly, “Welcome aboard, Y/N.” And waited until you and Wanda had passed to close up the quinjet and pilot it back to the tower. 

You bit your lip, nodding at her as you sat down and strapped yourself in, you didn’t want to be a burden, as you have always been everywhere else you’ve been. Wanda wrapped you in a blanket she picked up when the two of you left. “You’re ok now, Y/N, we’ll look after you now.”

Nat nodded, “Yes, you're an asset and a gift to this world, despite what you may have experienced so far.” 

You couldn’t help but raise your brows at Natasha, you were always told you were an awful person, so you believed that way more than you believed her.

She simply quirked a definitive brow at you in silent rebuttal to the doubt written on your face as she turned toward the compound, which was an hour's journey in that direction. Meanwhile, Wanda rubbed your back and held you close. 

The journey was somewhat awkward, there were a lot of uncomfortable sizes and you were already beginning to question whether you deserved to be rescued, you were even hesitant to read their minds. 

You did appreciate Wanda holding you the way she did, but you were even afraid to lean into her and accept the comfort then.

The jet landed at the compound smoothly, and Nat turned to you, “Shall we get you settled? Hungry?” She asked, and you looked up at her, longing for affection and love but hesitant to receive it, your stomach grumbled though.

“It sounds like she’s hungry.” Wanda chuckled and put an arm on your back as the three of you went into the house Wanda and Nat shared, mainly to get away from the other Avengers who were overwhelming a lot of the time. 

Natasha quickly got to work in the kitchen, though Wanda was much more the chef of the two, she could handle snacks. She threw together a grilled cheese on the stove, one of the few things she could cook, and then handed you a glass of water to start. “We have milk too if you prefer that with your sandwich, but I thought you might also be thirsty,” the Widow said, caretaking both natural and unnatural to her. 

Wanda kept her arm around you and rubbed your back, trying to be reassuring as she observed Natasha and you simultaneously. 

You nodded, still wary of the two as you only took half of the grilled cheese and the glass of water, slowly drinking it as well as taking a few bites of the grilled cheese. 

You couldn’t help but lean into Wanda’s comforting touch, not used to it but enjoying it. The witch smiled and wolfed down her grilled cheese. “This is so good, at least you don’t add hot sauce like your sister.” She chuckled.

Natasha chuckled, “She puts that on everything.” The redhead watched you gently, “Would you like anything else to drink?” 

You looked down, shaking your head silently as Wanda bit her lip, looking up at the Black Widow for help as she couldn’t figure out how to help you.

Nat reached out, smiling softly and tickled under your chin like she did with Yelena to help her come out of her shell when she shut down, “Hey, we're not gonna go anywhere. It takes time to process.” The older heroine assured you as she reached and squeezed Wanda's arm to encourage you. 

“She’s right, Y/N, we know you have been through a lot and we want to help you feel loved and wanted.” The witch told you gently, then smirking a little when she saw you flinch and bite your lip at the chin flutters.

Nat smiled, “Oh? Is this how you loosen up?” She asked, smirking at Wanda, who discreetly used her magic to flutter over your sides, nothing too extreme, but enough for you to feel and make you squirm a little.

The Widow grinned gently and let her fingers scritch and gently squeeze above one of your knees as she leaned against the counter next to where you sat. You couldn’t help but let out a squeal, flinching away as you covered your mouth, kicking out as you did so.

“I think soooo!” Wanda smiled fondly as she watched you fight back giggles.

“Aww Y/N this is so cute, I think we can use this to help you,” Nat winked, looking at Wanda, who nodded and released you from her powers.

You bit your lip, not knowing how to react to being called cute, you just silently shook your head.

Wanda smiled fondly, “Only if you're comfortable of course,” she said, noticing you shake your head.

“Maybe she’s not used to it, trauma takes a while to recover from, but I’m sure we can help,” Natasha told you gently, understanding what you were going through. She wasn’t sure how to help but she wanted to.

Eventually, they guided you to the couch, sitting in a comfortable silence, watching whatever was on TV, although you were still wary of the pair, you were willing to try and feel the love you were craving. 

[madwomansapologist]

━ ✧ unraveling you | chapter 2 - to devour what is truly yours

masterlist | pinterest board | spotify playlist |  AO3

series synopsis: Trapped inside Westview, Agatha Harkness was reduced to Agnes. The noisy neighbor and nothing more than that. Until a meteor rain brought something strong to Westview. Something strong enough to help her, and maybe strong enough to free her. You. In a journey to save herself by teaching you the ways of magic, Agatha Harkness wants one thing only: to avenge herself.

The moonlight kept her company, but her night wasn’t less lonely because of it. The moon casted its light over all beneath it, and remained untouched by the empty sky. Agnes hoped to one day see more stars on it again.

This town makes her feel like the last speaker of a dead ancient language. Part of her knows it’s her fault too. To live for so long and have no one looking after you for so many months… She was never good with saying the truth, or staying in the same place for long enough.

Still, for now she’ll continue to blame Wanda Maximoff. She is the one that divided her into halfs, blurry mirrors facing one another until boredom and apathy stroke them down. How can she ever punish Wanda in a way that feels fair? How can she take everything from a woman that already lost it all?

How can Agnes trully break her, this time without breaking herself?

Her magic has little use in this body. Mostly controlled by Wanda, she can’t cast a spell to save herself from this misery. But she can hear you, on the guest room, living your pathetic little existence as if you were not mean to greatness. You shattered Wanda’s influence before, there is a chance you can do more.

And Agatha will be so strong after stealing everything from you. Her little miracle.

⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯ ⋆✦⋆ ⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯

Willing to understand him, you followed Señor Scratchy downstairs. That little thing can be so confusing. He looks at empty places for minutes as if something exciting is happening there. He bites your fingers if you touch his teeth. Everytime you go after him, he runs.

― One day you will have to answer me ― you declared, heart filled with determination, as the rabbit hid from you bellow the couch. ― Señor Scratchy! I’m trying to talk to you!

Accepting his apathy, you made your way to the kitchen. Agnes glared throught the kitchen’s window, knuckles white from the pressure she put on the sink. Her eyes are always tired, and yet the rest of her body seems ready to do anything.

― I’ll help you understand the world ― said Agnes, still not looking at you. Besides her, you tried to find what got her attention. All you saw was the backyard, the same since the day she helped you. ― You’ll always have an roof on top of your head, food and comfort.

This time she had all your attention. Agnes isn’t usually this serious. Her voice sounded so deep, and her words had no affection on them. You wonder why she behaves that way.

― I’ll teach you about this world. ― Agnes reached out to you. ― Do we have an deal?

― We do ― you held her hand, shaking it slightly. ― I’m so lucky to have you.

Agnes will do exactly what she told you. And one day you’ll pay for your debt.

⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯ ⋆✦⋆ ⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯

― Is this common? ― Your eyes burned, and it only made you want to keep on looking at the TV. Black and white transformed into a colorful world, and the cacophony of a tornado was replaced by an angelic music. ― For people to die because a house fell on them?

Agnes chuckled, her hand full of popcorn as she saw your reactions to The Wizard of Oz. How long has it been since she watched something she wanted to? Never before on that television. It seemed fitting, more than just out of her will to watch something enjoyable.

You need to question your reality. To realize something isn’t right, and that it’s your fault. You’re just like Wanda. A strong witch that decided to believe the world is easier than it really is. You better realize nothing can easy in this world.

In the end, it’s kill or be killed.

― Not really ― she filled her mouth with popcorn. Too salty, as it was supposed to.

― But is it possible?

― Water ― she murmured, pausing the movie and moving towards the kitchen. The lack of answer was enough for you. ― I’ll be back.

Left alone facing Dorothy, you had an idea.

You found the red high heels Agnes wore a few days ago on the entrance, and took the blue socks out of the shoes you used yesterday in the graveyard. The heels were too big for you and didn’t shine as much as Dorothy’s, but it was similar enough for you to smile.

― We need to buy you more clothes ― Agnes took a sip from the cup on her hands. At the kitchen’s door, she observed your attempt of wearing heels. ― And so do I.

You tried to walk towards her. It didn’t work. Agnes placed her cup on the table and kneeled down in front of you, allowing you to support yourself on her shoulders as she took the heels off of your feet.

Only then she realized you wore the shirt backwards.

Naïve idiot, she smiled to herself.

Walking throught Westview, Agnes made sure to keep you on the right path. Holding your hand, sometimes pushing you near her when your feet decides it must go somewhere she doesn’t want you to, you both made to the mall.

As you tried to discover what earrings are for, Agnes looked for something that would fit her. Something better than the clothes on her wardrobe.

― Agnes! ― A female voice yelled, making her turn around. Sharon Davis, the actress behind Mrs. Hart. Her smiled was fake, even for Agnes’ standarts. ― Is so good to see you again!

― Hi, sweetheart ― Agnes replied, just as fake. ― How you doing?

Sharon licked her lips, dropping the facet without hesitation. The faked happiness was gone from her face. That made something inside Agnes boil. If you decided to fake it, then do it well. Do it until the end.

― You know you can count on us, right? Everyone is recovering, you don’t need to do it on your own.

― I’m fine, dear. Don’t you worry about me.

― But how couldn’t I? I’ve seen you, Agnes. You usually look… lost. In a place far away from here. I’ve read a lot about PTSD on the last few months and… What I’m trying to say is that you don’t need to face it alone.

As the little miracle that you are, you interrupted the conversation by jumping besides Agnes. You had earrings on your hands and a inebriating smile on your face.

― Look what I found ― you held the two gold pieces. It took you a second to notice Sharon. ― Oh, hi!

― Nice to meet you ― she looked at you, then back at Agnes. The middle aged woman seemed more relaxed. ― Apparently you’re not on your own.

― Aren’t they the most beautiful thing you ever saw? ― You showed her the earrings with moon pendants. ― You can put the moon on your ears. Isn’t that amazing?

Sharon answered you, but the words didn’t made to your mind. Instead, a cold feeling passed through you. Looking into her eyes, you saw a woman reflecting on her pupil. An tired, scared woman. You could feel her pain. Her deep, real fear. The first time in her life she ever felt so much of it.

Inside Sharon’s eyes, you saw a puppet.

― It’s over ― you said. Taking her hands into yours, you tried to make some sense of what you just saw. ― Nothing will take control from you anymore. You’re safe.

Sharon tried to get away from you, but something on your touch made her melt. It was so warm, so welcoming. So full of true and care. It is over. Nothing will take control from her anymore. She’s safe.

Agnes couldn’t care less to the tears starting to appear on Sharon’s eyes. She only glared at the white energy coming out of yours, enchanting Sharon without an spell or runes.

― We need to go ― she said. ― Now.

― Yeah ― Sharon blinked, startled. ― Of course.

Agnes pulled you into a fitting room, closing the curtains as you stumbled to keep on standing. The space was narrow. When Agnes turned to you, her body was pressed against yours.

― What was that? ― She inquired, whispering. ― What were you doing?

― She was hurt ― you said, trying to understand yourself. ― I just wanted for it to stop.

― How do you know that?

You shrugged. It wasn’t you trying to escape the conversation, you just didn’t knew how. You just knew.

― It’s time for your first lesson about civilization ― Agnes held you by the shoulders, making you look into her eyes. ― You can’t touch people you don’t know, or speak about their feelings if they haven’t told you about them. Not a good thing.

― Are you sure?

― Trust me ― Agnes opened the curtains. ― I too had to come with terms to the fact people don’t like you mess with their heads.

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Blurred forms expanded upon your eyelids, warm colors challenging the vacuum. The more you tried to look them more closely, the less you saw them. Always at the corner of your vision, no matter what.

Laying besides you on the backyard, it took Agnes a few minutes to notice you finished your book. She marked the page, taking the sunglasses off and tried to understand what your expression conveys.

― Are you done?

You nodded, the grass itching your skin. The sunlight made your skin warmer, but it also made you feel… more. There was this energy flowing throught your body, one that felt so right.

― Victor made him ― you hissed. ― If he is a human, how can his son be a creature instead of a man? By his way of thinking, Victor doesn’t says he also isn’t human?

That made Agnes close her book. It was an great argument. She expected for you to say if you liked it or not, if it made you feel anything in particular. Not only have you read the book, but also understood its themes and thought critically about them.

She expected less from someone like you.

― That’s not how life begins ― Agnes put her book between you two. An frontier, just as counterfeit as any other. ― Victor made him with dead parts, something supposed to rot and wither. He used fire and mechanics. It’s a creature, just as much as Victor is its father.

― If it breathes, if it thinks, if it seeks for love: how can it not be a human?  

― I don’t think…

― You told me about a Gamora  ― you interrupted her. ― I’ve saw a picture of Nebula. And Thanos. Are they not human? Even if they are not from Earth, even if they do not look like others? I don’t know how Gamora was born, but I still wouldn’t call her a creature. Even if she is green. Even if fire, mechanics and dead parts were needed to make her breath.

― That might be a talent ― said Agnes. ― For rhetoric.

You searched for another book on the pile Agnes sorted out. Strange Case of Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde.

― You’ll enjoy this one ― Agnes pointed at the novel. ― I’m sure of that.

She wondered what your opinion about it will be. The creature is within the man, a experiment brought upon its very creator. Unorthodox, but brave and not negligent. The doctor welcomes a creature with open arms, it beneficts from it, until it slaugheters the very soul of his creator.

Agnes imagines you will like it. It surprises her that you’re able to think critically, but that’s a good thing. As least she won’t need to coexist with an barbarian until…

That was a horrible idea. To read together, out of home. As if you both were friends. You want you to think, to wonder about your reality and search for the reason why you’re stuck in this mental state. That doesn’t mean she needs to hear you. To question who you are.

Agnes can’t look at you and see a human. If she will destroy you, if Agatha will be rescued using everything you have to offer, than she can’t see a human.

Hurting others is easier if you don’t see them as humans.

― You both never get tired of reading? ― Abilash leaned on the fence, his hat projecting an shadow upon his bright smile. Norm. Vision’s colleague. A very active participant on the series, meaning one of the neighbors Wanda tortured the more. And still, he smiles. ― Honest question.

― Only when it is a bad book! ― You smiled, just as bright as the man did. Maybe a bit. ― And you, Agnes? Do you get tired of it?

― I couldn’t have worded it better.

Agnes found herself admiring you. She quickly averts her gaze, reminding herself your only purpose is to be consumed. When you spoke again, Agnes was already looking at you.

GENERAL TAGLIST: @lovelyy-moonlight

UNRAVELING YOU TAGLIST: @harknessshi

if you enjoyed, please reblog! i promise it makes a difference ♡

@ madwomansapologist.tumblr.

[zapanashesblog]

Feeding on Myself: A Cannibal's Guide to Self-Acceptance

When you hear the word "cannibalism," chances are you think of horror movies, survival stories, or maybe some questionable documentaries on late-night cable. But what if we could reframe cannibalism as a metaphor for self-acceptance? Stay with me here. The way some films dive into cannibalism reveals a powerful, raw journey from self-hatred to self-acceptance.

So, let’s pull up a chair at this strange table and take a closer look at movies like Hannibal, Bones and All, and a few others. These films explore the concept of “consuming” oneself and others not just as horror but as a means of understanding the depths of our inner darkness.

Step One: The Hunger for More (a.k.a. Where Hannibal Began)

Take Hannibal Lecter, for instance. We know him as the quintessential cannibal, the man with refined tastes and terrifying appetites. But if we dig deeper, we can see that Hannibal’s character isn’t just about a man who likes to eat people. Beneath the surface, Hannibal represents a man consumed by his own darkness—a darkness rooted in trauma, loneliness, and his own philosophical musings about humanity.

In Hannibal Rising, the origin story for this character, we learn that Hannibal’s appetite for human flesh began after witnessing unimaginable horrors in his youth. It started with hatred—specifically, a need for revenge. The trauma was so deep, the hunger so unquenchable, that it drove him to consume parts of others, both literally and metaphorically. In many ways, Hannibal is a man eating the “sins” of humanity, channeling his pain outward by consuming others.

For those on a path of self-acceptance, this “dark banquet” Hannibal lays before us is a grim reflection of how we can project our inner turmoil outward, trying to rid ourselves of it by devouring it in others. While most of us aren’t consuming liver with fava beans, we still grapple with our inner pain by seeking outlets, often at others’ expense. And that brings us to the next stage of self-cannibalism: digesting those dark parts within ourselves, rather than projecting them.

Step Two: Bones and All—Consuming the Pain, Literally

Enter Bones and All, a tale of young love and, yes, cannibalism. The film follows Maren, a young girl who inherits her father's cannibalistic tendencies. Unlike Hannibal, her journey is one of self-discovery and acceptance. She feels the hunger, the desire to consume, and though she’s horrified by it, she also feels that this “appetite” is somehow part of who she is. It’s not just about eating flesh—it’s about accepting her own darkness without shame.

In Bones and All, cannibalism serves as a dark but beautiful metaphor for taking in all parts of ourselves—the good, the bad, and the monstrous. Maren’s journey isn’t about rejecting her cannibalistic nature but learning to live with it, finding someone who understands her darkness, and recognizing that, although she has this side to herself, it doesn’t define her entirely. In a way, Maren’s story is a haunting lesson on self-acceptance. Her hunger becomes a path to understanding herself, forcing her to confront her own darkness, instead of running from it.

Step Three: Taking a Bite Out of Your Own Story (and Surviving It)

If Hannibal and Bones and All teach us anything, it’s that self-acceptance is messy—and sometimes it’s horrifying. When we sit down to metaphorically “feast” on the darkest parts of ourselves, we have to confront every difficult memory, every failed attempt, every embarrassing moment. Like the characters in these films, we all have a hunger to understand, or even control, the painful parts of our lives. But instead of letting our mistakes and traumas consume us, we can devour them, taking what we need and moving forward.

Another film that explores a similar metaphor is Raw, a coming-of-age horror film about a young vegetarian who develops a craving for human flesh. The cannibalism here represents the unrestrained impulses we sometimes try to suppress. But the film ultimately shows that facing these urges, accepting that they’re a part of us, is the only way to control them. Raw is a reminder that self-acceptance isn’t about being “perfect”; it’s about making peace with the parts of us we don’t always like.

Step Four: Digesting, Not Becoming

The lesson from these stories is that what you consume doesn’t have to define you. Yes, we all have dark memories, traits we’d rather forget, and painful histories. But instead of being haunted by these parts of ourselves, we can metaphorically “eat” them, taking in the lessons without letting them become who we are. Just as Maren learns to accept her appetite without letting it dictate her life, we, too, can take in our painful past without becoming it.

Each bite represents a piece of ourselves we’d rather leave behind, but ultimately cannot ignore. These parts can be fuel—just as Lecter’s hatred fueled his revenge, Maren’s hunger fuels her journey, and Raw’s protagonist finds strength through her “darkness.” By consuming these parts of ourselves, we process and transform them into something we can live with.

A Full-Body Transformation Without the Full-Body Horror

The films may be extreme, but they reveal something deeply human: we all have parts of ourselves we struggle to accept, traumas we’d like to bury, and mistakes that haunt us. The journey to self-acceptance isn’t clean or pretty, and it sometimes feels like a horror show. But when we take a bite, metaphorically speaking, of our own stories—the fears, the regrets, the embarrassing moments—we gain the power to control how they affect us.

Hannibal, Bones and All, and Raw remind us that confronting our darkness is uncomfortable. It’s painful, even grotesque. But once we “digest” our inner turmoil, we find we are more than just the sum of our parts—we are the whole feast, the chef, and the diner.

A Final Bite of Wisdom

If you ever find yourself overwhelmed by self-doubt, try a different approach. Instead of running from your darkness, take a seat at the table and taste what it has to teach you. It’s a strange banquet, and not everything will be easy to swallow. But the parts of yourself you once feared may turn out to be ingredients in the recipe that makes you… you.

Like Bones and All, we are a little of everything we’ve been through. We are dark and light, shame and pride, hunger and satisfaction. We are a strange, perfect meal made up of all the experiences, mistakes, and triumphs we’ve consumed.

So sit down, take a bite, and remember: to eat is not to become. It’s just to understand, to transform, and ultimately, to survive.

[kmomof4]

To Sir Graham, With Love Ch. 4

And we are back!!! Thank you all for coming along on this journey with me!! I hope you enjoy the new chapter and let me know what you think!

All the love and thanks again to @jrob64 and @whimsicallyenchantedrose for their outstanding beta services and to @motherkatereloyshipper for the GORGEOUS artwork above!!!

And once again, happy birthday to @snowbellewells for whom this fic was written!!

Summary: After a year long secret correspondence, twenty-eight year old spinster Ruby Jones decides to accept Sir Graham Humbert's offer of a visit to see if they might suit for marriage. Unfortunately, he failed to mention that he was the father of twins, and they are not thrilled with Ruby's appearance.

Rating: M (for smut in later chs and mentions of physical abuse)

Words: Approx 5700 of approx 68k

Tags: Red Hunter Fic, Birthday Fic, Inspired by Eloise Bridgerton's Story, Smut

On ao3 From Beginning / Current Ch

On Tumblr Prologue Ch1 Ch2 Ch3

Tagging the usuals. Please let me know if you'd like to be added or removed.

@jrob64 @winterbaby89 @hollyethecurious @the-darkdragonfly @jennjenn615

@donteattheappleshook @undercaffinatednightmare @pirateherokillian @cocohook38 @qualitycoffeethings

@booksteaandtoomuchtv @superchocovian @motherkatereloyshipper @snowbellewells @pirateprincessofpizza

@djlbg @lfh1226-linda @xarandomdreamx @tiganasummertree @bluewildcatfanatic

@anmylica @laianely @resident-of-storybrooke @exhaustedpirate @gingerchangeling

@caught-in-the-filter @ultraluckycatnd @stahlop @darkshadow7 @fleurdepetite

@captainswan-kellie @soniccat @beckettj @teamhook @whimsicallyenchantedrose

@thisonesatellite @jonesfandomfanatic @elfiola @zaharadessert @ilovemesomekillianjones

@mie779 @kymbersmith-90 @suwya @veryverynotgoodwrites @myfearless-love 

Under the cut, unless Tumblr ate it.

… should not have let him kiss you. Who knows what liberties he will attempt to take the next time you meet? But what’s done is done, I suppose. So all there is left is to ask: Was it lovely?

– From Ruby Jones to her sister Tink, slid under the door of her bedroom the night Tink met the Earl of Kilmartin, whom she would marry two months later

~*~*~*~*~*~

Ruby was awake quite early the next morning, which shouldn’t have come as a surprise given that she’d retired to her bed at half eight the evening before. She’d regretted her self-imposed exile almost the moment she’d sent Sir Graham the note. There was nothing she hated more than dining alone, with no one to talk to. And even as grouchy and uncommunicative as Sir Graham could sometimes be, he’d have been better than nothing.

She still wasn’t entirely convinced they wouldn’t suit. He might be gruff and arrogant at times, but when he smiled… 

Well, when he smiled, he was transformed. She’d never understood why the ladies had always giggled and swooned when her brother David smiled, but now she did. Sir Graham went from surly and cantankerous to full of humor and mischief, as if he was the holder of all kinds of secrets and delighted in that knowledge. Besides being devastatingly handsome, of course. But it wasn’t the smile itself that had her swooning internally. After all, with all her brothers, she considered herself quite immune to devilish smirks and twinkling eyes. When Graham smiled, there was a shyness about it, as if he wasn’t accustomed to smiling at a lady, and it was that, more than anything, that told her they just might be made for each other.

She made her way down to the breakfast room to find that Graham had already partaken and departed. Ruby tried not to be discouraged. After all, he may have just assumed she wasn’t an early riser and had gone on about his business, but when she didn’t find him in his greenhouse later, she was quite at a loss of where he might be.

Didn’t the twins owe her an afternoon? Well, there was no reason they couldn’t make it a morning instead.

Several minutes later, Ruby entered the twins' nursery.

“Who wants to go swimming?”

Nicholas stared at her as if she was mad, while Ava’s face lit up in delight.

“I do!” she declared, sticking her tongue out at her brother when he scowled instead. “I love to swim. And so does Nicholas. He just doesn’t want to admit it.”

“I don’t think they should go,” interjected their nursemaid, a thin, surly looking woman of indeterminate years.

“Nonsense,” Ruby said, disliking the woman immediately. She looked to be the type of woman who’d tug on ears or rap knuckles. “It’s unseasonably warm and swimming is good exercise.”

“Nevertheless…” The woman’s tone was quite testy, clear evidence that she didn’t like to have her authority questioned.

“I shall give them lessons while we go about it,” Ruby assured the woman. “They are without a governess at the moment, are they not?”

“Yes,” the woman snapped. “The little monsters glued…”

“Whatever the reason for her departure,” Ruby interrupted smoothly, “I’m sure it’s been a terrible burden on you to have to fulfill both duties for the past few weeks.”

“Months,” the woman muttered.

“Even worse!” Ruby exclaimed, in faux commiseration. “One would think you could use a free morning, wouldn’t one?”

“Well,” she allowed, “I wouldn’t mind a trip into town.”

“It’s settled then,” Ruby announced decisively. She smiled at the children, who stared at her in awe. “Enjoy your morning,” she said, bustling the woman into the hall. Once the door was shut behind her, Ruby turned back to the children.

“You’re wonderful,” Ava breathed.

Even Nicholas couldn’t help but nod his agreement. 

“I hate Nurse Ratched,” Ava said.

“Of course, you don’t,” Ruby began, though her heart wasn’t truly in her words. She hadn’t much liked the woman either.

“No, we do,” Nicholas assured her. “She’s horrid.”

Ava nodded. “I wish we could have Nurse Johanna back, but she had to leave to care for her mother. She’s sick,” she explained.

“Her mother,” said Nicholas, “not Nurse Johanna.”

“How long has Nurse Ratched been here?”

“Five months,” Ava said forlornly.

“Five very long months,” Nicholas agreed. 

Ruby didn’t believe in disparaging another adult in front of children, especially an adult meant to have authority over said children, so she simply sidestepped the issue completely.

“Well, it doesn’t matter, does it? Because today, you have me.”

“I like you,” Ava said shyly, taking her hand.

Ruby smiled gently at her. “I like you, too.” Nicholas said nothing, but Ruby wasn’t concerned. Some children took longer to warm up to someone new. And besides, these children had earned the right to be wary. Their mother had left them, and then their nurse - who’d likely cared for them their entire lives - had left as well. Granted, leaving through death was quite different from leaving to care for an ill family member, but all the children would remember was that someone they loved dearly was gone, and then to lose their beloved nurse so soon after their mother, it could hardly be fathomed.

Ruby well remembered the months after her father had died. She’d been convinced that not letting her mother out of her sight - or better yet, holding her hand or skirts for all she was worth - would mean she couldn’t leave either.

“I’m sorry we blackened your eye,” Ava said quietly.

“It looks much worse than it feels,” Ruby assured her, squeezing her hand gently.

“It looks horrid,” Nicholas observed, matter of factly, his voice holding just a tinge of remorse.

“Yes, it does,” Ruby agreed. “But I’m starting to like it. It looks like I’ve been in a battle. And won!”

“It doesn’t look like you’ve won to me,” Nicholas said, dubiously.

“Nonsense,” Ruby said. “Of course I do! Anyone who comes home from a battle wins.”

“Does that mean that Uncle George lost?” Nicholas asked. “He didn’t come home from battle.”

“He died before we were born,” Ava said.

“Your uncle was a hero,” Ruby said, her voice quiet and respectful.

“But not Father,” Nicholas said.

“Your father didn’t go to war because he had responsibilities here,” Ruby explained. “But these are much too somber thoughts to occupy ourselves with, when we should be outside enjoying the splendid morning. We should be out swimming and having a grand time!”

The twins enthusiastically agreed, and in no time were changed into their bathing costumes and tromping through the field toward the lake.

“We mustn’t forget to practice our arithmetic,” Ruby called out as the twins skipped ahead of her. And to her surprise, they actually did. Who knew that sixes and eights could be so much fun?!

~*~*~

Graham came inside from the rose garden to find the house unnaturally quiet. It was so rare that he found himself just standing and savoring the silence. Nurse Ratched must have taken the children outside for a bit of fresh air, and while it was nearing ten in the morning, he assumed Ruby must still be abed, though she didn’t strike him as the type to lounge away the day under her covers.

He wandered into the breakfast room, expecting to find the sideboard full and waiting for Ruby’s appearance, but instead, it was empty and spotless, telling him that Ruby had already eaten and was now God knew where.

A maid entered the room with a feather duster in her hand. She bobbed a curtsey when she saw him.

“Good morning,” he said in greeting. “Would you please bring me a vase for these?” he asked, motioning toward the roses in his hand. He’d hoped to give them to her himself, but he wasn’t willing to just hold on to them while he hunted her down. He’d spent an hour in the rose garden choosing just the right blooms and then carefully removing all the thorns. Romney Hall boasted three rose gardens, but he’d had to go to the furthest afield to find the early-blooming varieties. 

When the maid arrived back, a glass vase in her hand, he asked, “Do you happen to know where Miss Jones is this morning? I noticed breakfast has been cleared.”

“I believe she took the children swimming, Sir,” she informed him. “They were in their bathing clothes.”

Graham’s skin went cold. He hadn’t been near the lake since the day Jacinda died, always taking the long way around, not able to bear even the sight of it. He’d forbidden the children to go near it as well. 

At least, he thought he had. He’d told Nurse Johanna not to allow them near the water, but had he told Nurse Ratched? He couldn’t remember.

He ran from the room, leaving the roses scattered on the floor.

~*~*~

“Last one in is a hermit crab!” Nicholas hollered, running down the hill toward the small lake. He didn’t stop until the water came to his waist.

“I’m not a hermit crab,” Ava shouted back, “You’re a hermit crab!” She splashed around in the shallows.

“You’re a rotten hermit crab.”

“Well, you’re a dead hermit crab.”

Ruby laughed as they continued to shout back and forth to each other. She waded in the shallows a few feet from Ava. Not having brought with her a bathing costume, she simply tied up her skirt and petticoat just above the knee. It was a scandalously large amount of skin to be showing, but in the presence of children, who really cared?

Besides, they were having much too much fun tormenting each other to even notice.

They’d warmed up to her significantly on the trek to the lake. They’d laughed and chattered the entire way. It made Ruby wonder if perhaps all they needed was a bit of attention. They’d lost their mother, their relationship with their father was distant and strained, at best, and then they’d lost their beloved nurse, as well.

Thank God they had each other.

And maybe, perhaps, her.

She shouldn’t be thinking like that. These children clearly needed a mother, but she couldn’t base her decision on them. She’d be marrying Graham. Not Nicholas and Ava.

“Don’t go any deeper,” she called, when she saw Nicholas start to inch into deeper water. She was quite pleased when he took two large steps back toward the shore of the lake, even if his expression was rather irritable.

“You should come in further, Miss Jones,” Ava said, sitting down on her bottom. “Oh! It’s cold!” she exclaimed.

“At least as far as Ava,” Nicholas chimed in. “You’ve barely gotten your feet wet.”

“I don’t have a bathing costume,” she reminded them again, for at least the tenth time.

“I think you don’t know how to swim,” Nicholas said, smugly.

Ruby raised her eyebrow at him. “I can assure you that I do know how to swim,” she informed him. “I spent a great deal of time in the country when I was growing up,” she continued. “But I am also not going to be giving a demonstration in my third best morning dress.”

Ava looked at her and blinked several times. “I should like to see your first and second best. That one is very pretty, indeed.”

“Thank you, Ava,” Ruby said, wondering who picked out the children’s clothes. Probably the crotchety Nurse Ratched, she thought. There was nothing wrong with what the child was wearing, but Ruby highly doubted she’d yet experienced the pleasure of picking out her own clothes. “If you’d like to go shopping some time, I’d be very pleased to take you.”

Ava’s mouth dropped open in a soft O of surprise. “Would you?” she breathed. “I’d love it ever so much!”

“Girls,” Nicholas mumbled. He looked back to the water, concentrating on angling his hand just right before he smacked the surface, creating a tall splash that reached all the way over to his sister.

“Stop it!” she squealed. “I’ll get you yet!” she promised, diving in after him. 

“Don’t go too far out,” Ruby called, though it didn’t really matter. They were obviously both excellent swimmers. If they were anything like Ruby and her siblings, they’d likely been swimming since about the age of four. They’d spent countless hours frolicking around in the pond near their home in Kent, until their father passed, that is. Once Brennan was gone, the family spent most of their time in London. Ruby could never figure out if it was because her mother preferred the city to the country, or if there were simply too many memories.

While she certainly enjoyed London and all the many amusements it offered, being here now swimming in the lake with two boisterous children, Ruby realized just how much she missed country living.

Ava finally caught up to her brother and launched herself at him, taking them both under the water. Ruby watched them closely until they came up for air, both laughing and spluttering and vowing to beat one another in this most important water battle.

“Be careful!” she called. It was strange being in this position. She was normally the fun and permissive aunt, not the authority-wielding adult. “Nicholas, do not pull your sister's hair.” She was pleased when he stopped, but then he grabbed the neck of her bathing clothes, making Ava sputter and cough. 

“Nicholas,” she yelled, “stop at once!” 

He did, surprising her again, but Ava took the opportunity to jump on top of him, sending him under and then sitting on his back.

“Ava!” Ruby yelled. Blast it all. She was going to have to put a stop to it herself. There went her ideas of keeping herself mostly dry. “Ava, get off of your brother this instant!” she yelled one last time before completely surrendering her dignity.

Ava got off and Nicholas came up sputtering. “Ava Humbert, I’m going to…”

“You most certainly will not,” Ruby said sternly. “You will not kill, maim, attack, or even hug for the next thirty minutes. Do I make myself clear?”

The children looked absolutely appalled that she’d even listed a hug as a punishable offense. They stared at her open-mouthed and then cut their eyes to each other.

“Well?” Ruby asked.

“Well then,” Ava asked, “what will we do?”

That was a good question which Ruby hadn’t really thought about. All of her memories of swimming as a child included the same sort of water war.

“Maybe we’ll get out and dry off for a spell.” They both looked horrified at her suggestion. “I did tell Nurse Ratched that we’d work on your lessons…”

“GET OUT OF THE LAKE!”

Ruby was so surprised at the loud and furious shout from the hill above them that she turned too quickly and fell. She was able to catch herself with her hands, but the front of her dress was still soaked. “Sir Graham!”

“Get out,” he growled, his strides long and powerful as he entered the water, reached his children, and grabbed them both around their waists, hauling them to shore. Ruby watched with horrified fascination as he set them roughly on the ground. “I told you you were never, ever, to go near the lake,” he yelled, shaking them both by a shoulder. “You know to stay away. You know…” Ruby still couldn’t look away as he suddenly came to a stop, trying to catch his breath.

“But that was last year,” said Nicholas quietly.

Graham glared at him and he shrank back. “Did I ever rescind the order?”

“No, but I thought…”

“You thought wrong,” he interrupted. “Now get back to the house. Both of you.” 

The two children recognized the deadly seriousness of their father’s words and ran quickly up the hill toward the house. Graham didn’t move until they were out of sight, then he turned his furious gaze on her.

“What the hell did you think you were doing?”

For a moment, Ruby was too taken aback to make any sort of reply. “Swimming,” she finally said, a note of insolence in her words. Perhaps more than a note. “Having a bit of fun. Perhaps you’re familiar with the concept.”

“I do not want my children near the lake,” he barked. “I have made those wishes clear…”

“Not to me,” she interjected.

“Well, you should have…”

“What?” she interrupted again. “How was I supposed to know you didn’t want them near the water? I told Nurse Ratched where we were going and what we intended to do, and she never gave any indication that it was forbidden.”

The look on his face told her he had no answer to her argument and it was only serving to anger him further. 

“It’s a hot day and I was trying to mend the breach,” she continued, determined to win the argument. “Heaven knows, I don’t want another blackened eye. Plus, I thought it’d be fun for the children.”

“You put them in danger,” he growled.

Ruby couldn’t have been more surprised if literal horns had grown out of his head. “Danger?” she sputtered. “From swimming? The only danger they would have been in is if I couldn’t swim!”

“I don’t care whether you can swim or not,” he retorted. “I only care that my children can’t.”

She stared at him for several seconds, blinking dumbly at him. “Yes, they can. They’re quite proficient, in fact. I assumed you taught them.”

“What are you talking about?”

He was still furious, she could hear it in his voice, but the honest confusion also contained within had her ire retreating quickly.

“Did you…” she began, tilting her head slightly in inquiry, “not know that the children could swim?”

For a moment, Graham felt like he couldn’t breathe. It was like a bolt of lightning from the clear blue sky, freezing him in his place. This moment brought all of his failings as a father to the forefront of his mind, and Graham was completely overwhelmed. His jaw worked, his fingers clenched at his sides, his lungs caught, and he could do nothing but try to remain upright against the onslaught. It was the worst feeling he’d ever experienced in his life.

It wasn’t that his children could swim, it was that he didn’t know they could swim. How could he have not known? A father should know if his children could swim. Or ride a horse. Or read. Or count to one hundred.

And he didn’t. 

“I… I…” he stammered. He drew a deep breath, more of a gasp really, and was only dimly aware of Ruby moving toward him and gently grabbing his arm in her hand.

“Sir Graham,” she whispered. “Are you all right?”

He nodded. Or at least, he thought he did. All he could hear was her voice ringing in his head- yes they can yes they can YES THEY CAN - and it wasn’t even the words themselves, necessarily. It was the tone of surprise and just a hint of contempt.

And he hadn’t known.

His children were growing and changing and he didn’t even know them. He recognized them, certainly, but he didn’t know who they were.

What were their favorite colors? What were their favorite toys? What were their favorite foods? He didn’t know any of it!

He was, in his own way, every bit as awful a father as his own father had been. His father may have beaten his children within an inch of their lives, but he at least knew what they were up to. Graham ignored, avoided, and pretended. Anything to keep his distance and avoid losing his temper. Anything to keep him from turning into his father.

“Graham,” Ruby whispered again. “You don’t look well. I think you should go home.”

“I’m…” he began before trailing off, not able to get the words out. He’d meant to say I’m fine, but nothing could be further from the truth.

Ruby looked up as a cloud passed over the sun. Graham followed her gaze and then noticed Ruby crossing her arms over her chest and shivering. It was finally enough to bring him out of his self-loathing paralysis.

“You need to get inside,” he said, grasping her by the arm and proceeding to pull her up the hill.

“Graham!” she exclaimed, stumbling along behind him. “I’m fine! Just a little chilled.”

He touched her skin and cursed under his breath. “You are bloody well not fine, you’re freezing!” He stopped and took his coat off, placing it around her shoulders before grabbing her arm again.

“Graham, please!” she begged. “There is no need to run!” He didn’t stop their very brisk hike. Ruby jerked her arm out of his and stopped. “Sir Graham,” she said forcefully. “Please let me walk.”

He glared at her for a moment before answering. “I will not be responsible for you developing a lung fever,” he hissed.

“A lung fever?” Ruby asked, incredulous. “It’s May!”

“I don’t care if it’s July!” he roared. “You will not remain in those wet clothes!”

“Well, of course not!” she exclaimed, trying her best to sound reasonable. “But it’s only ten minutes back to the house. I am not going to die!”

She’d heard the expression of blood draining from a person’s face, but she’d never seen it. Until now. There was no other way to describe the sudden paleness of Graham’s face.

“Graham,” she said gently, trying to disguise her alarm. “What is wrong?”

His eyes darted back and forth, his hand trembled, and when she took it, it felt clammy in her own. She didn’t think he was going to answer until his mouth opened and a whisper fell from his lips. “I don’t know.”

She touched his arm and looked up into his face. He looked confused. Dazed even. As if he’d been pushed out onto a stage and didn’t know his lines. His eyes were open and on her, but she was quite sure he didn’t see her. He was somewhere far beyond her reach. Facing some terrible and recent nightmare all alone.

She knew bad memories and how they could just take over the heart and mind sometimes. She remembered her own worst nightmare - at the age of seven, being the sole witness to the death of her father, screaming and crying as he fell to the ground gasping for breath, then beating on his chest when he could no longer speak, begging him to wake up and say something. She knew now that he’d been gone by then, but somehow, that made the memory so much worse. The only way she’d gotten over it was due to her mother. She’d visited her every night and stroked her head as she’d cried into her chest. She told Ruby over and over again that it was alright to miss her father and talk about him. That it was alright to cry and grieve.

Ruby still remembered it all with perfect clarity, but it no longer haunted her. She hadn’t had a nightmare about it in over a decade.

But whatever Graham was seeing right now, was still very much with him.

“Graham,” she whispered again, touching his cheek. He didn’t move, he barely breathed. She stepped closer still, saying his name once again. She wanted to ease the shattered look in his eyes. She wanted to draw out the man she knew he was, down deep inside. She wanted to heal him.

She whispered his name one last time, taking another step forward until only inches separated them. She offered him her understanding, her compassion, her help all in a single word. She could only hope he heard. And listened.

And then he moved. His hand covered hers, pressing her hand into his skin as if he were trying to memorize the feel of her touch. He drew their hands down to his mouth and placed a kiss to the center of her palm. 

Her gaze bounced between his blue, blue eyes, reading him like one of her beloved novels. He was back. He was here with her and she suddenly knew what he intended. His eyes drifted shut and he drew their hands down to his chest, over his beating heart. His other arm wrapped around her and drew her into him. Leaving her hand on his chest, he used his to lift her chin until her lips were only a hair's breadth away from his own, stopping only long enough to whisper her name before capturing her lips in a kiss that was so blinding, so intense, it took her breath away. He was hungry and needy - a starving man being granted a feast. He kissed her as if she were the air he needed to breathe. As if she was a cool and refreshing pool of water to a man dying of thirst. The kind of kiss Ruby knew she’d never forget. The kind of kiss she hadn’t known existed.

He pulled her closer until every part of her body lined up against his and then a gasp escaped her when his hand left the small of her back and cupped her bottom.

“I need you, Ruby, please,” he groaned into her mouth before leaving it and placing light and gentle kisses to the line of her jaw and neck. She dropped her head back allowing him more access and held on to him for dear life. She was melting. He was melting her. All she knew was that she needed more. She needed him.

But not like this.

Not when he was using her as a succor to his wounds.

“Graham, we can’t,” she said, pulling back from him. Though she wasn’t quite sure how she found the strength within herself to do so. “Not like this.”

At first, she didn’t think he was going to let her go, but then suddenly, he did. “I’m sorry,” he said. He still looked dazed, but whether it was from the kiss or the tumultuous events of the morning, she wasn’t sure.

“Don’t apologize,” she urged him, instinctively smoothing down the front of her dress. It was still soaking wet and thus unsmoothable, but if she didn’t do something with her hands, she was liable to jump back into his arms again.

“You should go back to the house,” he said, his voice almost too low to hear.

“Aren’t you coming, as well?” she asked, surprised.

He shook his head. “I need to think. You’ll be fine. It is May after all.”

Ruby’s brow furrowed, but she turned from him and started back up the hill. After a moment, she turned back to him, utterly unable to mind her own business.

“What do you need to think about?” she asked.

“I don’t know,” he replied with a shrug. “Everything, I suppose.”

Ruby nodded and continued on her way to the house. But the look in his eyes stayed with her all day long.

~*~*~

Ruby was purposefully late going down to supper. After the events of the morning, she wasn’t sure whether Sir Graham would be joining her or not, but she figured if he wasn’t waiting for her at ten past the hour, then she would be dining alone.

She was pleasantly surprised however, to find Graham in the drawing room waiting for her. He wore an evening kit that, although not the latest fashion, was perfectly tailored to his long and lean frame. Ruby caught her breath when he turned to her and approached.

“I hope you will accept my apologies for my behavior this morning,” he said, the entreaty in his eyes clear. “I overreacted and behaved abominably.” His voice was low and reserved, but she knew from his tone that her forgiveness was very much desired.

“No apology is necessary,” she assured him. “The incident is forgiven and forgotten.”

“Thank you,” he said, holding his elbow out to escort her to dinner. She took it and they walked slowly from the room. “Jacinda died in that lake.” 

The words were so unexpected that Ruby gasped in horror and halted in the middle of the hallway, her fingers covering her mouth.

“I’m so sorry,” she breathed. “I had no idea.”

Graham nodded. “I pulled her out, but it was too late.”

“Oh, Graham.” She could say nothing else as his gaze bounced between her eyes. He didn’t look as shattered as he had this morning, and Ruby was glad of that fact. He turned away from her and continued walking down the hall to the dining room.

“I know how it feels to watch someone you love die,” she said quietly. “And not being able to do anything to stop it.” 

“Your father?” he asked. She nodded. It wasn’t something she shared with many people. In fact, the only person outside her family who knew she’d been the lone witness to his death was her dearest and oldest friend, Mary Margaret Blanchard. Now Mary Margaret Jones. Even with the bleakness of the conversation, the thought of her closest friend being married to her favorite brother brought a small smile to her lips.

“I’m sorry.”

“So am I,” she replied.

He was silent for a moment as they continued down the hallway. 

“I didn’t know my children could swim.”

His words were so odd and out of the blue, she could only blink and ask, “I beg your pardon?”

“I didn’t know they could swim,” he repeated, his voice dripping with condemnation. “I don’t even know who taught them.”

“Does it matter?” she asked softly.

“It does,” he said bitterly, “because I should have been the one to do it.”

She could barely look at his face. It was so pained, and so tormented, but it also brought her a calm assurance. Sir Graham Humbert was a good man. It was obvious that he loved his children tremendously, and even if he didn’t know how to act around them, his heart towards them was true.

“Well,” she said briskly, “there’s nothing to be done about that now, and just because you didn’t know, you do now, and it’s not too late to find out more about them. They are charming children, you know.”

He looked at her dubiously. 

“They do misbehave on occasion…” His eyebrow shot up in disbelief. “Oh, very well, they misbehave quite often, but truly, all they want is a little attention from you.”

“They told you this?”

Ruby released a small giggle. “Of course not. They’re only eight. But it is quite obvious to me.”

They finally reached the dining room and sat down on opposite sides of the table. Graham was silent until they’d both had a sip of their wine.

“Did they enjoy it? The swimming?” he asked hesitantly.

“Oh, yes,” she assured him. “You should take them.”

He shook his head and looked down briefly. “I don’t think I could.”

Ruby nodded, fully understanding the power of memories. “Perhaps somewhere else then. Surely there are other lakes or ponds on the grounds.”

Graham nodded and waited until she’d had a taste of her soup. “That is a fine idea,” he agreed. “I will think about where we might go.”

There was something so heartbreaking about his expression - the uncertainty, the vulnerability - Ruby felt her heart clench in her chest. The knowledge that he was going to do his best to do the right thing, the right thing by his children.

“I hope you will join us.”

“Of course,” she said, utterly delighted. “I should be desolate if I wasn’t invited.”

“I’m quite certain you overstate,” he said wryly, the corner of his lips lifting in a small grin. “But we would be honored, and to be quite frank, I would be rather relieved to have you there. The outing is sure to be successful if you are present,” he explained.

Ruby felt her cheeks heat at the unexpected compliment. “I’m quite certain you overstate.”

“We will all enjoy ourselves much better with your accompaniment,” he assured her quite emphatically. 

Ruby decided not to argue and just accept the compliment. He was most likely correct, after all. They were so unused to spending any time together, it would almost certainly be more pleasant with her to smooth the way. And she found that she didn’t mind the idea one bit.

“Perhaps tomorrow,” she suggested, “if the pleasant weather holds out.”

“I believe it will,” he said. “The air didn’t feel changeable.”

Ruby raised an eyebrow at him. “So you predict the weather as well?” Ruby had a cousin who claimed to be able to predict the weather, but every time she listened to him, she’d end up soaked to the skin or nearly freezing her fingers and toes off.

“Not at all,” he replied, “but one can…” He trailed away and looked toward the door. “What was that?”

“What was what?” she replied, but as soon as the words were out of her mouth, she heard what Graham had obviously heard. Raised voices, and getting louder by the moment. Heavy footfalls. A forceful stream of invective was followed by a yelp of terror that could only have come from the butler…

And then Ruby knew.

“Oh, dear God,” she murmured, her grip on her spoon going slack. 

“What the devil?” Graham asked, standing from his seat, preparing to defend his home from the unknown invaders.

Except that he had no idea what sort of invaders he was about to face. What sort of annoying, meddlesome, and diabolical invaders he was going to have to meet in, oh, about ten seconds.

But Ruby did. And she knew annoying, meddlesome, and diabolical held nothing against furious, unreasonable, and downright large when it came to Graham’s imminent safety.

“Ruby?” Graham asked, his brows shooting up to his hairline when they both heard someone bellow her name.

Ruby felt the blood drain from her body, though there was no evidence of it on the floor around her. There was no way she’d be able to survive a moment such as this, not without killing someone, and preferably someone who was quite closely related to her.

She stood, her fingers gripping the table, the footfalls (which resembled a rabid horde, quite honestly) growing closer.

“Someone you know?” Graham asked mildly. Much too mildly for someone about to face his own demise.

She nodded and somehow managed to push the words through her frozen lips, “My brothers.”

~*~*~

Thank you for reading and sharing! I'd love to hear what you think! Going forward, I'm going to start updating twice a week. So be on the lookout for the next chapter, which just happens to be my favorite, on Wednesday!!

[bluegekk0]

Who else is part of the Alphabet Mafia in Dirtmouth?

Ooooh I like this one, I'll take this as an opportunity to talk about all the characters in Dirtmouth since it's pride month.

I'll ofc start with the Vyrm family before I get to other characters.

(under a read more cause it's looong)

Vyrm - as I mentioned before, I see him as demi-gay. He wasn't even aware that he was gay until he formed a close bond with Grimm, so I think it makes sense. Plus all those experiences of demi people that who describe their attraction as "suddenly clicking" that I read, match how I see Vyrm realizing he has feelings for Grimm. He definitely one day suddenly thought to himself that Grimm is really really hot and he started noticing things about Grimm's body that made him feel things, blushing whenever Grimm made eye contact with him, and in general just finding his mind wander in quite inappropriate directions. That was what put him on the (slow) journey of self-discovery, since he hasn't actually felt that way about anyone else before, even WL, because as it turns out, he just didn't feel that way towards female beings. And as for gender identity, he's cis and uses he/him pronouns. Born male and has never seen himself as anything else, though he's not that rigid in regards to how he presents.

Grimm - bisexual with a male preference, 100%. He had years to experience casual relationships of all kinds, and he definitely found himself attracted more to male partners. He did have a more serious female love interest years back, though it didn't work out. As for gender identity, he does present as male, use male pronouns and so on, though he has no issue acting in a more feminine way and does so quite often. So it's safe to say that he's not as strict with his identity, he's just Grimm. There's also the fact that biologically he's both male and female, as that's how he created his body. I hesitate to use the term intersex for him, as I know it doesn't fit him and I wouldn't want to potentially add to negative stereotypes. The closest thing would be hermaphrodite as it's used in biology (particularly in regard to animals), but I also don't want to use that term because of its negative connotations when used to describe a person, even if it matches what he has going on better. So, in short. He's both, and he chooses to present as male. His pronouns are he/him but he'd have no issue being referred to as she or they, he just doesn't use them himself.

Lewk, the twins - they're too young to even begin comprehending identity and attraction, and consequently I haven't thought about it either. What I can say is that being raised in a household where gender norms practically don't exist would help them be more comfortable with whatever identity they eventually feel fits them best. And as a little side note, I think it would be really cute if Lewk, who was raised very sheltered, didn't realize for the longest time that having two dads wasn't a universal experience. Not that he'd react negatively to opposite-sex relationships, I think he'd just be a bit confused. As for pronouns, they use those associated with their birth sex, so he/him for Lewk and Milo, and she/her for Asta.

Hornet - I definitely see her as a lesbian. A lesbian with no game, so no one even knows since she's not very open about it either (though Grimm can definitely tell hahaha). I definitely think she notices female bugs far more often, but she has no idea how to approach them and maybe even rejects the feeling. Not because she's against having a girlfriend, she just struggles with accepting close relationships in the first place out of fear that she'll lose them. And for gender identity, she is female, though very gender non conforming. She dresses and behaves in a way that makes it ambiguous, but she feels comfortable referring to herself as female. The only term she's uncomfortable with is "princess", but that has more to do with what such title entails rather than it being feminine. She uses she/her pronouns.

Holly - they're aroace to me, they show no interest in relationships despite becoming more open about their emotions. If someone flirted with them, they wouldn't know how to respond, and I think they find the idea of intimacy as something nice, but not for them. They're much more interested in their hobbies and the familiar bond with the rest of the household. As for gender identity, they use they/them pronouns, non-binary or agender would probably be the closest matches. Biologically they're neither, their body is made of void, and void has no distinction between male or female. In regards to how they present, they tend to copy the looks and mannerisms of those around them, so it varies significantly.

Zote - in regards to attraction it's a bit complicated. I feel like he'd talk about female bugs that way because of that whole "a knight and a maiden" idea, so you'd assume he's straight, but I could totally see him slipping up and calling a male bug handsome and showering them with compliments about their appearance. In reality I think he might be a very confused asexual, though a closeted bisexual could also be a possibility. For now I keep him as unlabeled. As for his pronouns, he uses he/him only, and gets quite upset at being called anything else.

---

Ok, now for the side/minor characters.

Brumm - he's gay, he had a male partner and adopted children in the past, and since then he hasn't shown interest in females. He also presents as masculine, and uses he/him pronouns.

Divine - lesbian (which means that the whole Leg Eater scenario didn't happen in the AU, lucky for him), she has a very strong lesbian wine aunt vibe to me. I can see her using she/they pronouns, even if they present as very feminine.

Ogrim - he's straight, he had a brief relationship with Isma back in the day, and hasn't shown interest in any male bugs since then. He presents as masculine and uses he/him pronouns.

Elderbug - straight. I will say, I don't think the dead friend he mentions was a potential love interest, but I do think he's straight. He uses he/him pronouns.

Cornifer and Iselda - they're partners which suggest that they're straight, but I could see one of them (or maybe both?) being bisexual. She/her pronouns for Iselda and he/him fir Cornifer.

Bretta - bisexual, leaning towards women. She was enamored with Zote for a bit before seeing through his lies, and now has a crush on Hornet. As for pronouns, I quite like the idea of her writing under a fictional, male pseudonym, and if that's the case then she would be fine being referred to as either she, he or they.

Jiji - unlabeled, they might be ace or just not interested in having a relationship right now, and that layer of uncertainty matches her. overall mysterious vibe. Uses she/they pronouns.

Jinn - similarly to Jinn, its preferences are unknown. She uses she/her, they/them and it/its pronouns interchangeably.

Mato - he doesn't live in Dirtmouth but I'll mention him here anyway. I think he's bisexual, though he tends to be a bit secretive so it's not very obvious. He/him pronouns, presents as very masculine.

Quirrel - similarly to Mato, he doesn't live here, but he frequently visits the town to give lessons to the children. He's possibly straight or bi, I haven't decided. And he uses he/him pronouns.

---

And while I'm at it, I'll mention other more important characters here, who don't live in Dirtmouth.

The White Lady - bisexual, I feel like she's the type to not really notice gender in regards to attraction. Perhaps pansexual would be more fitting, but I think the two terms can be used interchangeably and I don't want to get into semantics, so I'll stick to bisexual as the umbrella term. In regards to presentation, the Lady part of the title definitely didn't come from nowhere, so they present as overall feminine, though I do quite like the idea of her using both she/her and they/them pronouns. I could see them referring to themselves as "we" whenever she speaks, and I do want to start using they/them pronouns more often when talking about WL, since I think it matches the character.

Lurien - unlabeled, very likely gay, but he chose to not have a partner so it's a very private matter for him. He wears robes and a mask that completely cover his entire body so his identity is quite ambiguous on the surface, and I like the idea of his voice being just as difficult to describe. That said, he does use he/him pronouns, so that's one of the only clues.

Lemm - possibly an old bitter gay man, or perhaps he's straight. I don't think he ever had a partner so it's difficult to say, and he definitely doesn't talk about it. He/him pronouns.

Tiso - he's straight, I thought it would be pretty funny if he had a bit of a crush on Hornet (completely unaware she wouldn't return the feelings even if she didn't hate him), but because he's awful at expressing it, he just ends up acting like a jerk to get her attention. He/him pronouns, nothing to mention here.

---

There are many more characters in the AU that I haven't mentioned, but they're so minor I haven't even thought about them that much. So these are the ones that I treat as more prominent. As you can see, most of them are queer in one way or another. Seems like the infection turned the bugs gay. Many such cases.

[artist-issues]

Hello! My ask is about The Rise Of Skywalker. I would like to read your analysis of Reylo's scenes such as their dialogues in the film, Rey's declaration to Ben ("I did want to take your hand. Ben's hand."), Ben's return to the light side and the reylo kiss. The declaration, Ben's return and the kiss, for me, are the only good things about this film.

I thought all of the Rise of Skywalker was really terrible. Terrible writing, terrible plot, and even some pretty terrible characterizations. (I thought the actors did their best, though.)

Basically, ROS had several threads that TLJ and TFA had braided together. All it needed to do was tie those threads off. But instead, it unraveled them and tangled them up and said “done! All tied up!”

For example:

Thread 1: Finn’s journey from fear to faith.

Thread 2: Leia’s hope for her son.

Thread 3: Poe’s journey from hero to leader.

Thread 4: Hux’s growing, rabid desire for control. (It’s why the organization’s called the First “ORDER”)

Thread 5: Kylo Ren’s learning that power won’t make him feel secure.

Thread 6: Rey’s learning that she doesn’t need to be “somebody” because it’s all about something bigger than herself.

Thread 7: Kylo Ren and Rey learning their respective lessons by finding the answers in each other.

TLJ took what TFA started and got you those threads. Then TROS said “never mind, we don’t like those threads” with most of them. For example, Poe and Finn suddenly have nothing to do. For example, Finn is not doing anything that requires the faith he began building at the end of TLJ; he’s just following Rey around. Poe is not learning how to lead, he’s just info-dumping and trying quick three-man hero missions, unlike the lesson he learned at the end of TLJ. Hux is not strategizing with rabid extremism for control; he’s just pettily throwing his life away to get back at Kylo Ren. Et Cetera. The threads all get unraveled or tangled up or left dangling uselessly.

EXCEPT for Thread 7.

They make an attempt at “Kylo Ren and Rey learning their respective lessons by deepening their bond.” The problem is, without the other threads, that one just doesn’t fit any better than the rest of the story.

First off, I 100% agree that Kylo Ren and Rey would be involved romantically, in some way, eventually. There’s literally no way around it. Romantic attachment is choosing to commit to someone on an intimate level. Because they’re Force Bonded, and because they are the only people in the universe who have similar identity crises and deep family-related angst, they were bound to intimately understand each other. They started caring about each other in TLJ. All TROS had to do was fan the flames of that care up in a way that led to their character developments concluding.

Rey just needed to demonstrate more of the letting-go she demonstrated at the end of TLJ: she wants Kylo Ren to be Light, but she realizes there’s nothing she can do to force it, even if she begs and pleads, so she just keeps doing the right thing on her end and trusts the Force, believing he’ll come to the right conclusion in the end no matter how much evil he’s done. What’s that ladies and gentlemen? It’s called ✨ unconditional love. ✨

Then Kylo Ren just needed to see that love. Literally, just see and continuously experience it. Even if he’s trying to hunt her down and kill her or take everything from her or whatever, she just keeps refusing to kill him and believing he’ll turn good. After all, that’s more than his parents did for him back when they sent him away—and since then, whatever unconditional love Rey shows him is strengthened by the examples of unconditional love Han Solo and Luke showed right before they died. Plus the alternative to accepting unconditional love—murdering everything that might give him a sense of power—hasn’t been making him feel any better. So he was primed for redemption via Rey.

That’s all they needed to do in TROS. Not so hard, just write a reason for her to save his life or spare it again, even after their previous encounter and even given his new status as Supreme Leader. He’s halfway there. Continued pushes are all that’s needed.

Just like Luke Skywalker in the Revenge of the Sith, Rey and Kylo Ren don’t really need to develop much more in the final movie of their trilogy. They just need to put what the first two movies taught them to a big final test.

Anyway. With that in mind:

Let me give you the bite-sized version 😅

The Force-Searching Scenes - I don’t like these because they’re all Kylo Ren searching for Rey, with little to no engagement from her. She feels more like she’s given up on him in these scenes and is just trying to win an argument whenever he barges into her brain. He, on the other hand, might be looking for her, but it’s with one hand on his grandfather’s mask. Which is totally the opposite of him “letting the past die. Kill it, if you have to.” So he’s taking weird steps backward, toward TFA, as if TLJ never happened… and that tarnishes his motives for finding Rey, in my mind. If he’s going back to trusting the past and the idea of his grandfather, then why does he want to turn Rey to the dark side? When Vader failed to turn Luke, he tried to murder him. Kylo Ren knows that. So meditating on a mask he should be giving up on in order to find and turn Rey makes no sense, so it takes the tension out of those scenes for me.

Fight Scenes - Again, it makes no sense that Kylo Ren would still be pursuing turning Rey to the dark side so doggedly. Neither of them could convince the other at the end of TLJ. They split a lightsaber in half to prove it. Now, that doesn’t mean they should be giving up on each other completely. But Kylo Ren should be acting like he’s given up on her, even if just to convince himself. That’s what he’s done this whole time: turned to killing the people who fail him to make himself feel more powerful. She has a reason to keep believing in him: she’s on the Light Side of the Force. But instead, she’s the one acting like she wants nothing more to do with him. He mentions how he’s going to turn her to the dark side multiple times in the movie. But she doesn’t say more than one quipped question hinting that she still wants him on the light side. So the “attachment” focus of their fights loses all it’s tension because again, it doesn’t make sense. After TLJ, he should be at least trying to give up on her and pursue killing her, if anything. And she should be steadfastly believing in him, while pursuing doing the right thing no matter what he does. That’s where they were in their character development. More fighting barely makes sense.

Healing Scene - I liked this scene only when Rey heals Kylo Ren. Their fight beforehand, and her ramming his lightsaber into him, still makes no sense. She’s angry at him because of her connection to Palpatine and she’s fighting him like that’s going to exorcise her identity…but Rey being a dark, angry descendant of Palpatine never made sense (it unravels her whole character development.) So her motivations in this scene don’t make sense…until she heals him. Then, suddenly, there’s a glimpse of that Rey we left on the Millenium Falcon in TLJ: she’s healing him, even though he might just stand up and attack her again, because she genuinely believes he’s Ben and she just needs to show him mercy until he comes around to believing it. And THAT is part of what turns him. So I like that: I just think it was executed really poorly. She should never have been healing him from a wound she caused.

The Kiss - The kiss was just basically the TROS storytellers confirming that they were romantically attached instead of just enemies-to-friends/Allie’s attached. Because…for some reason they had to confirm that visually. I just think, again, that they didn’t set it up and execute it well. They have no conversations and no significant attention paid toward each other between the healing scene and the final battle. They might be force-linked, but the audience needed to see that bond turned romantic, or him turned good before any overt romantic gestures, much earlier on. Other than that, I like that he healed her. I love Adam Driver’s acting in that whole scene. Makes me wish they gave him more to do.

The Death Scene - This should not have happened. It was lazy. Kylo Ren is a character who has been trying to fulfill himself by making BIG, final (emphasis on “final”) choices. Having him make one more big final choice, to end his own life, was not good character development. He should’ve had to live with what he’d done so he could learn from his mistakes. That’s where his whole character was headed. He’s always failed to learn from his past: he thinks he can just erase it. You know what giving up your life for a different hero and then fading away is? It’s nice, but it’s just another “erase” choice. Additionally? It’s terrible for Rey’s story, too. She finally had someone she chose, someone she waited for who actually came back, somebody who understood her…somebody who’s redemption rewarded her long faith…and she’s left alone again. That’s just the worst. Plus, what did she need him to heal her for? What exactly did she die of? He was way more injured than she was.

What they should’ve done was, Kylo Ren and Rey save the day, and then he’s condemned to death for his crimes by the New Republic, but in honor of Leia’s life of sacrifice and belief in him, he’s given enough of a pardon to simply be banished to the unknown reaches. And Rey goes with him, because she can finally stop waiting, she loves seeing the galaxy, and they can learn about the Force together…plus, they’re obviously deeply connected. And that would be a great homage to Leia’s legacy as a character who never gives up on hope, and that hope is ultimately rewarded. Instead of having her give her life to reach him…so he can live for an hour or so before also dying.

Long story short…you’re right! I just think all the elements you liked should’ve been way more central, built up to, and placed where they fit in a better movie!

[soloavengers]

Pawn Behaviors - Beyond the Rift

𓆩 Winterheart 𓆪

[template] - [thorne’s]

❖ BEHAVIORS & HABITS: 

➵ COMMON: 

Excited when prompted to lay out a plan for a battle to come.

Controlled and thinks at least twice before acting. Most of the time, except when comes a moment where she must urgently protect a companion.

Comes off as passive aggressive and sarcastic, though she truly means well. Chastising you means she deeply cares.ᡣ𐭩

^ Not exactly in-line with her inclination, though calm pawns are like that, it’s more of her old Straightforward-ish self peeking through. More often than she’d like or admit…

➵ UNCOMMON:

Grumpy, especially in mornings.

If one complimented a painting she’s working on, she might offer it to them to keep.

She’s good at navigating around forests, thanks to things her Arisen had taught her. Though she might be even better at it than him for some reasons - like being less forgetful and harder to distract, there could be more to it.

➵ RARE:

She’s a good storyteller, should one need to hear a comforting tale for whatever reason, they need but to ask.

➵ DRAGONSPLAGUE: 

Winnie crashes hard when plagued, it confuses her how powerful yet oh so tired she feels.

She has no time for anything but battle, not even planning — especially not planning. Onward to the next fight!! Else she’s out cold, snoring even.

❖ THOUGHTS & OPINIONS: 

➵ THE ARISEN:

Winnie carries her grief over her old Arisen with her at all times, in the way she regards the others.

Her protectiveness over the Arisen is hard to shake, her opinions on them always comes second, for they deserve to see their journey through (and no pawn should go through the pain she went through if she can help it.)

➵ OTHER PAWNS:

Whether in her world or another, she’s professional with other pawns — but it’s not difficult to gain her as a friend, especially should she have attitudes and interests in common with them.

Should Winnie find a pawn unable to take care of their Arisen, she feels a bit of resentment towards them that she cannot help. She would try her best to offer advice, and help the Arisen herself (more than by way of providing curtives,) should they accept it.

She has a weakness for gossip, guilty of talking privately to pawns about the silliest of things (like romance) in the quietest whispers.

A sure sign that she considers one a friend, is a flower crown made with flowers she collected during the journey — one might say it’s a representation of it.

➵ WORLD:

She’s a lover of nature, humans, and art. It’s evident in her actions more than her words.

If a pawn proposed the idea of taking a brief repose, she might agree - but she very rarely asks for that herself. There’s always time later in her opinion, still she might look a tiny bit disappointed if they must press on.

Sometimes she lags behind plucking flowers.

➵ BATTLE: 

Observant, cautious, and unwavering.

She’s most often a warrior, so she prefers larger enemies, the slower to dodge her hits the better.

Winnie is braver the less her companions are, such reaction is less dependent on the enemy, but nonetheless — (my girl carried against the purgeners while I ran around panicking.)

➵ NPC's: 

Ulrika.

➵ QUESTS: 

Winnie is particularly eager to help when a child is involved, a rescue? She’s already there.

Glaring daggers more painful than any poison during the Poisonous Proposal quest. She might have tried to convince Syl not to take it, to no avail.

➵ BONUS: 

I love calling her Winnie! Though she is Winnie mostly to Syl (she’s politely telling others to drop the Ser, and it’s Winter for short!) Not that she wouldn’t answer to Winnie from anyone or comment about it. Worst you one could do is call her by her old / original name, but none would know it, right?

SPOILERS BELLOW —

I am always ready to ramble about her part in my NG+ bullshit, even though *vitally* who knows how it happened? What if the Will of the world exploded with the death of Nex / Pathfinder slash etc and it allowed her deep wishes to come true, making both a cycle and a happy ending? She’s human after the ending because she longed to be one in this recent life — as much as she hated having to take up Syl’s soul (a process which she is too aware of thanks to her former Arisen’s knowledge on the bond,) her wish was for Syl to live as well. Because I can have it so.

Winnie met Thorne and Rani and watched them lose their Arisen (Sparrow and Aser. In some timeline — because it wasn’t my original intention for them to fail uhh,) later than she had lost hers, after all they went through, and all the love they had for their Arisen. She was heartbroken and wished them the second chance she got with Sylvas.