#but it’s exactly the sort of dynamic I’m always looking for in fiction

[alexis-royce]

Reading The Infinite and the Divine has been the polar opposite experience from what I’m used to when recommended media with a good duo in it. Instead of being promised a bunch of scenes that turn out to absolutely not be canon, I’m learning that every single meme about these two is actually a canon thing Orikan and Trazyn argue their way into.

The Statler and Waldorf jokes are not just a goof, they actually disguise themselves as humans and go get coffee and go to the opera together and send passive aggressive letters and drag each other to court twice and try to kill each other at least once a chapter and chuckle at the meteor storm murder attempts and choke each other out while smirking and send the weird fuckmonster to attack while the other one is fifteen years deep in meditation-

[steddieunderdogfics]

This week’s writer spotlight feature is:  Skepsis_Ree! @skepsiss has 16 fics in the Stranger Things fandom on AO3 and 15 of them are in the Steddie tag!

Our anonymous nominator recommends the following works by @skepsiss:

The Last Strange Thing

It's Snowing In Hawkins

Long Road Ahead

House to ourselves

Modern Problems, Modern Solutions

"Bailey's fics are phenomenal and they don't get enough love!" -- Anonymous

Below the cut, @skepsiss answered some questions about their writing process and some of their recommended work!

Why do you write Steddie?

a) Why does anyone latch onto any pairing? Something about Steve and Eddie grabbed my attention like no other ship has in years. I’ve always liked Stranger Things, but I never shipped anything from it until season 4 and until I saw the on-screen dynamic of Steve and Eddie. It felt so fun, and I just constantly saw Steddie art popping up on my dash, so I was looking more and more at it until I just said OKAY, I’M GOING ALL IN and started writing private fan fictions for just one of my friends who encouraged me to post them. b)Why do I still write Steddie? Probably because of my pals Eddy and Jess who talk to me about the lads day in and day out <3

What’s your favorite trope to READ?

I’m really bad at reading fan fics, to be honest, and I don’t actually enjoy reading tropes. The closest thing to a trope I like to read is probably just “they’re in love” or “they will fall in love.” I like good stories, regardless of the setting or the trope.

What’s your favorite trope to WRITE?

Does angst count? I pretty much just write angst! I love drama, angst, and exploring miscommunication! Supernatural elements are also super fun, and of course, I love horror, but those things feel more like genre rather than tropes. But I am also a sucker for a happy ending, so you can sort of expect that from me.

What’s your favorite Steddie fic?

My fav fic is “No Regrets” by @/strangersteddierthings I loved it so much that I made a graphic for it, and Jess uses it as a banner for the fic now!

Is there a trope you’re excited to explore in a future work but haven’t yet?

I try to avoid tropes in my writing, (unless you count drama and angst, lol), so I’m not really sure how to answer this. I’ve never written a classic “there is only one bed” or “coffee shop au” or ANYTHING like that, so maybe I should try and do an actual, classic trope. I don’t think I’ve ever, EVER written a REAL trope before, tbh. I’m actually really curious what people would suggest for me to write, if anyone has a suggestion, I’m all ears!

What is your writing process like?

If I’m looking for a story idea, I usually play the “3-word game” to generate an idea. It works like this: I ask someone to give me 1 word that is a Person (priest, character from a show, sister, etc), a Place (NYC, a house, tombstone, etc), and an Object (pen, houseplant, knife, etc) and then I try and connect those 3 things. That usually helps me generate an idea and develop an interesting story. My other method is… I have wild dreams and wake up with a fully-formed scene in my brain, and I deconstruct that scene in order to find out how I can create a story to get to that point. I also write super fast, so I try and get the idea down on paper asap, or I’ll lose interest and never write it. If I’m writing for a Big Bang or something, I have usually finished writing that fic like… months before I need to post it.

Do you have any writing quirks?

A say “though” a lot, start sentences with “so,” and say “a bit” or “a little bit” in my writing a lot. An example would be “He wasn’t alive though, he didn’t ‘have a life’ to speak of, so this was what exactly?”

Do you prefer posting when you’ve finished writing or on a schedule?

As soon as I finish!!!! I have a hard time holding back….

Which fic are you most proud of?

That I have posted? Probably “The Last Strange Thing.” It is my longest one. But I have one that I will be posting soon that I am very proud of that I have been working on for a while called “Senior Year” which I’ve been writing on and off since November 2022. I finally buckled down and finished writing it for the Steddie Big Bang and I’ll be posting it this year!

How did you get the idea for The Last Strange Thing?

“The Last Strange Thing” was written for a Reverse Big Bang in collaboration with @/llamalpaca. They created an amazing art piece of Steve and Robin in apocalypse gear, and it got the wheels turning in my brain about an apocalypse AU which reminded me of a conversation I had with a pal about “The Last of Us.” It inspired a whole tale in my brain about Steve and all of the “Stranger Things” party existing in a “The Last of Us” world, so I mashed them together and started writing a story.

When writing The Last Strange Thing, what was something you didn’t expect?

I plan out my stories pretty thoroughly, but something I feel is a very “weak point” in my writing is “action scenes,” so I really surprised myself by even ATTEMPTING to tackle something like “The Last Strange Thing,” which has so much action in it. At first, I sort of assumed I would avoid action as much as possible and make the story about the journey, but as I plotted things out, I just kept making plot points that involved more and more action so when I sat down to write it… I was really surprised that everything flowed together so well and the action felt really natural. Lots of people even complimented my action writing, which felt amazing, cause I’ve always felt it was a weakness!

What inspired It's Snowing In Hawkins?

“It’s Snowing In Hawkins” was a request for a mini-Steddie Winter Exchange where a secret exchanger submitted three requests/tropes/inspirations, and you got to choose from them. One of them involved a snowman-building contest, and Eddie “schooling the younger members of the party.” Another part of the request was that they DID NOT WANT ANY ANGST, so that was a big challenge for me! So it was all fluff, and I thought giving Eddie a slightly ADHD-sideways assignment from “snowman” felt fitting for him. Thus, snow-dome and Steve and Eddie getting some private time in the snow together. That, and at that point, I had never written “virgin Eddie” before, so I thought it would be super cute to explore.

What was your favorite part to write from House to ourselves?

Oh geez, this one is almost PWP, but I think probably just the adult-domestic side of it. Just two dads… getting to be dads. Their young kids are away for the weekend, and they get to take a nap together? There is something so… luxurious about that as an adult (I don’t have kids, but working full-time doesn’t give you enough time for naps either) that feels so nice and REAL about that, haha.

How do/did you feel writing Modern Problems, Modern Solutions?

I really wanted to channel shitty-teen energy. This was the most TEENAGE ANGST AND TEEN DRAMA story I’ve written. Everyone in the story is properly a teen in this, and I dug deep to remember what it felt like to be a teenager again. So I guess what I was feeling was… teen spirit.

What was the most difficult part of writing Long Road Ahead?

This is a really emotional fic, actually. Probably the hardest chapters to write were chapters 2 and 3 where we see the intense yearning between Eddie and Steve and how both of them truly believe that nothing would work between them—Eddie because he thinks Steve doesn’t like him, and with Steve, it is because he is terrified about being queer. I think the toughest thing about writing this was challenging Steve’s intense internal homophobia. That’s something that isn’t explored a lot in fic, and it does not feel good, so I get it, but I think it’s realistic for the 80s. Steve being really scared about his own feelings would be something a lot of boys would struggle with in that era, especially as a handsome, sporty guy who really thinks he is straight up until that point where he falls HARD for his guy friends uncontrollably. It’s difficult to write characters who have polar opposite opinions compared to yourself, but I find it really interesting, and it makes it really fun to write them GROWING OUT of that mindset.

Do you have a favorite scene and/or line from any of your fics?

I don’t think I can pick a line because it has been too long since I have written any of those fics, but scene-wise, I think one of my favourite scenes is from one of my stories called “Tooth and Nail” where EDDIE is the one struggle with the idea of being queer and Steve is the one who has “come out” first. Anyway, Eddie is sitting on one side of a door, and he has no idea if Steve is listening to him or not, but he is confessing all of his feeling of “I messed up, and I don’t know how I feel, but I know I messed up and I’m sorry.” Also later, he cries about it to Steve and gets so embarrassed he pulls his shirt over his head to hide the fact that he is crying, and I still think that is adorable. I really like both of those scenes.

Do you have any upcoming projects or fics you’d like to share/promote?

a) If you haven’t read “Tooth and Nail” you should, it’s older but up on my Tumblr. b) New project wise though!!!! I HAVE THREE NEW ONES! c) “Batter Up” just dropped on June 16th and is a 14,000 word fluff fic for the Steddie Summer Exchange. It’s about Baseball!Player Steve and Rockstar!Eddie meeting and falling in love. d) “Momento Mori” is my Wayne & Steve (with Steddie of course) fic for the Stranger Things Big Bang that will be posting in July, so keep an eye on my Tumblr and/or my Ao3. My artist @/the-aphelion-archives has some really cool art being cooked up, so stay tuned for that! e) And last but not least, my Steddie piece “Senior Year” will be posted for the Steddie Big Bang at the end of this summer/early fall during the bang with art made by @/metalfreaks86! This is my 50k fic that spans from just after Season 2 to after Season 4, and involves a lot of heartbreak, and first loves. Keep an eye on my Tumblr and Ao3 for that one too because we do not yet have a release date.

Outside of these questions, Is there anything YOU would like to add?

Thank you to whoever nominated me! I often feel like my fics aren’t for everyone because I tend to write for a more serious audience and tackle tougher topics and that just isn’t an overly popular medium in fan fiction––which is fine! Because fan fiction is escapism and I know people use it to feel good, and sometimes you don’t want to read sad stuff. So, I really appreciate people who take the time to read my sad stuff (that ends happily every time, cause I also like happy things haha), and enjoy my hard work. Genuinely, every time I feel like throwing in the towel because I think I’m writing into the void, some little kudo-kween pops up and reminds me that my writing is appreciated. Thanks gang <3 Also!!!! I am ALWAYS accepting requests. Anyone and EVERYONE (anon or not) is welcome to pop into my inbox on Tumblr at ANY TIME to make a Steddie fic request, be that a trope, a tiny Steddie idea or whatever. And if you’ve made a request and I’ve forgotten… please ask again!

Thank you to our author, @skepsiss, and our anonymous nominator! See more of Skepsis_Ree's works featured on our page throughout the day!

Writer’s Spotlight is every Wednesday! Want to nominate an author? You can nominate them here!

[that-nerd-who-writes-fanfiction]

So ever since I found mlm and wlw stories (especially fanfics), my interest in het romance decrese a lot, and what I search for is just the dynamic between mc (male) and male lead or mc (female) and female lead...I don't want to read mc (female) and male lead or mc (male) and female lead...And what I want to read mostly are just mlm or wlw stories for romance....

What do you think is happening to me? Is it really weird?

There is absolutely nothing weird about what you’re enjoying reading.

As for what is happening, I don’t think there is anything happening so I really wouldn’t worry. Learning what you like in media as in life is just part of growing up and learning how to person. Fortunately or unfortunately, that never stops and now matter how old you are, you can always learn something new about the world around or who you are as a person.

I can’t give you any answers, I’m only a stranger on the internet and only you’ll have all the information you need.

It could just be that it’s something new, a new genre you like and it might changechange like the wind. It could be that you enjoy the dynamics between the characters you’re reading about and they happen to by mlm or wlw. It could be a lack of content for the het relationships in the fandoms you’re in. It might be that you’re seeing yourself in the characters or that you’re starting to explore other identities, either for yourself or just for curiosity of wanting to know, and that’s okay too. It could be the separation from real life and fiction and enjoying something that is completely separate to the real world, or the world around you, while so much other stuff is going on in the news everyday. It could be something else entirely.

There’s no right or wrong answer to any of it. Whatever the reason, there is absolutely nothing wrong with enjoying reading any genre, be it queer romance, het romance, found family, or something as unrelated as sci-fi fantasy with convoluted plots and over complicated characters. Nothing you read says anything about you as a person and there’s no moral value attached to enjoying reading any genre. It just means that you enjoy reading it.

There is nothing wrong with you.

I read all sorts of books, fanfics, poetry, articles. I’m out here quoting the great gatsby or various fanfics one day, then a song of Achilles or Crier’s War the next, and Plato or The Iliad the day after that. None of it changes who I am, just what kind of information I carry around which in turn helps me interact with the world around. Hopefully I learn something along the way, but if not then at least I had fun.

I’ve been out as queer for a few years now and spent five ish years (give or take) in the closet before that. I’ve met a lot of people from all walks of life who feel all sorts of ways, who’ve enjoyed reading all sorts of things. Some who’ve known exactly who they are and others who are still figuring it out, some who thought they knew until they realised they’d got it wrong so went back to figuring it out. And that goes for all things, hobbies, interests, religion, politics, sexuality, gender. People change and grow and learn and that’s such a beautiful, brilliant thing in life.

No one has all the answers, we’re all just looking to figure it out as we go and enjoy the journey getting there.

And all of it is absolutely and completely okay, but more than that it’s human. Take your time, and in the meantime, enjoy reading whatever you like because if you’re enjoying it, then it’s worth it.

And feel free to send recs of any genre because I’m always looking for more to read :)

I hope this helps, anon.

-ThatNerd :)

[downwiththeficness]

Shadow and Veil-Chapter Thirty Eight

Summary: Eva Moore’s life was a carefully constructed fiction.  Every day, she did exactly what her mother in law, her husband, and his  best friend expected of her. No mistakes. And, that was going pretty  well for Eva right up until a huge complication literally tried to run  her over. Now, she’s faced with trying to keep the pieces of her life  from falling apart while attempting (and failing) to keep her feelings  for her husband’s new business partner at bay.

A/N: This fic is a sister-fic to A Need So Great and A Need Unleashed.  You do not need to have read ANSG or ANU to read this fic, but there  are Easter eggs from those fics in Shadow and Veil for readers with keen  eyes.  This fic is explicit for canon-compliant blood, gore, violence,  and sex. As such, it is intended for an adult audience, only. A/B/O  dynamics come with their own warning. Anyone under the age of 18 should  not interact with this work. I do not consent to reposting this work to  other platforms. Reblog only to Tumblr.  

Word Count: ~4,300

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Masterlist            Read on AO3

The rain falling steadily that morning presented a difficulty for Eva’s shoe situation. She stood near her closet and stared at the four pairs available to her. None of them were really appropriate for walking through puddles—it wasn’t like she could wear rain boots, even if she had them.

Horacio and Eva were meeting his family for morning Mass at the church Horacio grew up in. The outing was an olive branch, of sorts, to clear the air since the family dinner didn’t go exactly as planned. Eva was not optimistic about the whole thing, but was willing to make the effort.

She sucked her teeth and leaned down to snatch up the black pumps. Her dress was what could be called ‘Sunday best’. Black with white piping. The bishop sleeves seemed suited to the occasion and, most importantly, it fit her.

The clothes Eva brought from Louisiana were either too tight to zip up or made her feel like a busted can of biscuits. The only other dress she had that fit was the ochre number with the deep neckline. It was a bit too scandalous for church and Eva reckoned Horacio’s mother would pop a blood vessel if she showed up wearing it.

Stepping into the pumps, Eva grabbed her bag and rushed out of the bedroom. At the top of the stairs, she rested her splinted hand on the banister and took them one at a time. Slowly.

Horacio was puttering about the kitchen making coffee. When she strolled into the room, he handed her a cup that was gently steaming.

Eva took it gratefully and leaned against the counter, “How long is Mass, anyways?”

He shrugged, “An hour. A little more, if the priest is especially fired up.”

She had a sudden vision of a man pounding on a podium, spewing fire and brimstone in an effort to save souls. The image was both familiar and absurd, but it made her want to smile. “That’s not long, at all. I always heard you Catholics spent all day at Mass.”

One side of his mouth lifted, “Only on the high holidays.”

“Good to know.”

Horacio tilted his head to the side, “You don’t have to go.”

Eva rolled her eyes and scoffed, “If you think I’m going to give your mother another reason to dislike me, you’ve got another thing comin’.”

With a sigh, he leaned a palm on the counter and said, “She doesn’t dislike you.”

Eva blinked at him silently.

“Alright,” he conceded, “She doesn’t like you. But, she also doesn’t know you.”

“And, that’s why I’m going to Mass. Like my momma said, there’s nothing that Jesus can’t fix.”

Horacio looked like he might argue with her, then decided against it. He glanced at his watch and nimbly took her cup, “We should go, or we’ll be late.”

Arriving at the church was a lot like arriving to church in Louisiana. People lined up along the road to wait their turn to get into the lot. Most of the parking spots were already taken by the early birds and a sea of people rolled over the asphalt. They were all well dressed, despite the weather. Bright silks and ruffles accompanied by pressed suits.

Horacio held an umbrella for her and they walked close together towards the church. It was one of the largest in the city, or so she’d been told. Eva’s eyes wandered over the yellow paint and the sharp angles. Set deep into the brickwork was a cross that had to be carved by hand.

Eva stared at it until her heart gave an odd pang.

With water seeping into her shoes, Eva let Horacio guide her forward while he closed the umbrella and set it in a row with the others. Then, together, they stood off to the side to look for Horacio’s family. He spotted them before Eva did, and she let him lead her by the hand through the pews.

Adella caught her eye and waved. Eva smiled and returned the wave to both Adella and Sofia, who was sitting restlessly in her mother’s lap. She greeted Adella, and complimented the other woman on her dress. She was glad that her outfit mirrored Adella’s in cut and style. It was one less thing she had to worry about during the service.

Carlos sat next to his wife, arm laid over the back of the pew. He nodded to Eva before his attention was taken by his mother. Aida sat between her mother and Carlos. Her father in law, whose name, Eva had learned, was Rafe was speaking to someone next to him. The whole family looked right at home on the pew, and Eva half guessed that they sat there every single Sunday.

Eva took her place at the end of the row with Horacio to her right. She made delicate small talk with Adella while Sofia made faces at her. Eva made faces back right up until Aida sent her a silent look of censure. It was the first time the woman had acknowledged her presence and Eva internally cringed. Her effort to mend the fence was not off to a great start.

A woman stepped up to an upright piano and started to play a hymn. The room went quiet while a priest and several attendants walked down the center aisle until they reached the platform where the altar stood. One by one they took their places until the priest stood facing the crowd.

He was rail thin and his face was lined with wrinkles. On someone else, it might hint at a life lived with joy and laughter. On the priest, it was stern and unyielding.

Eva didn’t really understand the call and response that followed. She tried to pay attention, but kept getting distracted by the architecture of the room. High ceilings with exposed rafters. Bright white walls. She counted three Virgin Mary statues standing at central points.

The décor had been updated, but Eva could see the stonework beneath. Each block was cut roughly, but the skilled masonry made the whole thing look seamless. Curved arches hugged stained glass that depicted the crucifixion, the empty tomb, and the message from the archangel Gabriel. Very pretty. Very traditional.

The music changed, a hymn that tugged at Eva’s memory. She listened, but couldn’t place the tune. Beside her, Horacio shifted and rested his arm over the pew behind her. His fingertips brushed her shoulder. Eva let her body relax backwards and to the side a little, fitting her body more closely to his.

After the music ended, an older man who was probably a deacon stepped up and announced several books and verses from the Bible. This seemed to be a cue for the congregation to stand en masse. Eva wiggled her toes in her heels and wished she could kick them off. The lining of her hose was damp and it chafed. Only the potential disdain from her new mother in law kept her shoes right where they were.

The congregation sat again and the priest began to speak. Eva’s attention strayed once more half a sentence in. Horacio’s arm was around her. The weight was a physical reminder of the man sitting next to her. She reached up and laid her hand over his, linking their fingers. Out of the corner of her eye, Eva saw his lips pull into a soft smile.

Baskets were passed for the offering.

Horacio reached into his wallet and threw down cash that could have been any set of bills, it was folded so discretely. Instead of putting his arm around her again, he picked up her hand and held it on his thigh. It was Eva’s turn to smile.

While the priest poured wine into a chalice, she rubbed the back of his hand with her thumb. Eva stared at it, following the delicate bone structure of his fingers to a wide palm that was always warm. One of those fingers was still bare.

During her morning walk several days ago,  Eva ventured into a jewelry store. An hour later, she walked right back out again carrying a small box. That box was currently tucked into her jewelry bag, waiting for the time when Eva would be brave enough to give it to him.

Horacio leaned towards her, “You’re supposed to be paying attention.”

Eva blinked back to the present, hesitated, then, replied, “Does Padre Mendoza not approve?” She could see him resisting the urge to roll his eyes. Eva didn’t bother to keep the grin off her face.

“I’m sure a few Hail Marys would go a long way with the Padre.”

“That’s when you go to confession, right?”

He hummed lowly in confirmation. Eva glanced at the confessional booth off to the side of the room. She bit her lip, thinking about the last time she’d stood in one—Horacio playing the priest while she fantasized about going down on him. A soft, involuntary sound left her mouth before she could catch it.

Horacio’s eyes lit with interest, “What?”

She shook her head and cast her eyes around for something else to focus on. Her gaze landed on one of the Virgin Mary statues and, even from across the room, Eva swore the woman was judging her.

He nudged her shoulder, “Tell me.”

This was not the time to talk about her day dreams, “Its an inside thought.”

Another low hum, “Now you have to tell me.”

Face, neck, and chest warming, Eva tried again, “Its indecent.”

All the interest in his eyes sparked into something hot. His silence drew her gaze and she was caught—frozen—beneath it.

The congregation moved.

Except, this time they didn’t stand.

Eva’s body went white hot as she followed Horacio’s lead and knelt on the little stool that folded out from the pew in front of her. The words of the priest faded away while she became viscerally aware of Horacio kneeling next to her. His head was bowed and his weight was resting on his forearms. Only the way he was looking at her sidelong gave away the fact that he wasn’t praying.

A nudge.

She glared at him and kept her mouth shut.

He smirked and nudged her again.

Eva nudged him back, just barely keeping the giggle inside. Horacio wrapped and arm around her waist and she was grateful that he seemed to have let it go.  

The service ended with Holy Communion. A line weaved between the rows as the congregation lined up to receive it. Eva, unsure of what she should do, remained in the pew and waited. It was a decision Aida seemed to approve of. The older woman’s brows lifted in gentle surprise while she followed the rest of the family towards the altar.

Eva held her hands clasped together while she waited, pretending to take interest in the stained glass. If anyone else paid attention to the strange woman alone in the pew, they didn’t comment.

Afterward, Horacio walked hand in hand with her out of the church. He flicked open the umbrella and held it above their heads, blocking out the sun that threatened to peek through the rain and clouds.

At the base of the stairs, he slowed to a stop. Aida was taking the last step onto the asphalt, holding an umbrella of her own. She caught Horacio’s eye and moved to stand near enough to talk, but not too near as to risk bumping their umbrellas together.

“Mama,” Horacio said.

His tone was polite, but cool. Eva swayed into his body, wanting to soothe him. She didn’t like that he and his mother were fighting, especially because it was about her.

Aida’s chin lifted, “Thank you for coming. Will I see you next week?”

Eva’s mouth thinned. She could see where Horacio learned to look down his nose at people.

“Maybe.”

God, but it was awkward standing between two people who desperately needed to have a conversation and absolutely refused to do so.

“Mrs. Carrillo,” Eva said, feeling the need to do something, “I wonder if you want to have lunch with me. I,” she struggled with the future tense, “would like to hear stories about Horacio. As a boy.”

One thing Eva knew about mothers was that they loved to talk about their children. Eva hoped that this was the case with Aida, as well. Aida’s mouth thinned, and Eva thought she might refuse. But, Horacio gave a little grunt and she reluctantly nodded.

“Okay!” Eva replied. “Um, I will call.”

Fucking future tense.

Aida gave another reluctant nod. Eva smiled and let Horacio lead her back to the truck. Inside, he kicked on the heat to ward off the chill and pulled into the line exiting the parking lot.

“Are you sure about lunch?”

Eva glanced at him, confused, “Huh?”

“Lunch,” he repeated. “By yourself.”

“Not by myself. Your mom agreed to go.”

Horacio’s face scrunched, “Yes, but you’ll be with her. Alone.”

Eva was gratified by his concern, but she had already managed a kind of cease fire with a mother in law who hated her, once. It wouldn’t be much different to do it again. She rolled her eyes, “What do you think is going to happen?”

He shrugged, “She can be difficult.”

“I can handle it,” Eva replied. “I dealt with Myra for years. Aida can’t be nearly as bad. We’ll have lunch and she’ll get to know me a little better. Maybe you two won’t fight the next time we have dinner.”

Horacio definitely didn’t believe her, but he didn’t argue, either. He took her hand and held it while the truck rumbled down the highway.

Later, while they were lounging on the couch after dinner, Horacio gently reminded Eva that she still hadn’t told him about her inside thought during Mass. She should have known that he let go of the subject too easily that morning. Should have prepared for him to attempt to wheedle it out of her.

Eva, who had been taking a drink from a beer, spluttered, “Its was nothing.”

Horacio, however, had caught onto a lead and wasn’t at all willing to relent, “You said it was an inside thought.”

Her eyes narrowed, “I’m allowed to have inside thoughts in church.” A pause, then, in a sly tone, “Or, does Padre Mendoza not approve?”

She hoped that the little jab would release some of the tension, divert him to laughter and sarcasm. Instead of laughing and rolling his eyes, like Eva expected, Horacio’s expression went carefully neutral and he pulled his lips between his teeth. She sat up from where she’d been lying against the arm of the couch and pulled her legs underneath her.

The subtle retreat was odd, not at all like him. It made Eva want to prod at him so that she could draw him out. Horacio got control over his face and lifted his brows while he casually sipped from the bottle in his hand.

Now, who was having an inside thought.

Playing coy, Eva lifted a shoulder, “I told you it was indecent. Does that mean I’m going to Hell?”

He smiled softly at her, “I don’t think that’s enough warrant such an extreme sentence.”

“But,” she countered, “it would make me a sinner, wouldn’t it?”

Horacio stared at her for a moment. She could see his mind working. Assessing. Eva wondered if he would play along with her.

“We’re all sinners,” he replied, eventually.

Eva almost smiled, “And, sinners go to Hell, right?”

Horacio gave a sharp, jerking nod and she thought she could see a flash of panic in his eyes. There was definitely something there. She just had to find it.

Quickly, so that she didn’t lose him, Eva scooted closer so that she was more or less leaning against his body, “I don’t have to, though. I can ask for forgiveness. God will forgive me, right?”

His mouth opened and she could smell the change in his scent. He was somewhere between distressed and aroused—which was tantalizing.

She leaned closer, “Right, Padre?”

Horacio’s chest was rising and falling with labored breaths. His body was warm and faintly trembling. He only spoke a single word, and that single word scraped against the back of his teeth, “Yes.”

Something inside him was wound up so tight that Eva thought he might shatter the bottle he was gripping like a lifeline. She could leave this right here, give him the space to come down into a more comfortable place.

Could.

But, didn’t want to.

Something inside Eva was also wound up tight, but she guessed that the difference between her and the man sitting beside her was that Eva knew exactly what it was. She knew exactly what she wanted.

She threw back the rest of her beer and leaned over Horacio to set the bottle on the side table. Then, she took a leap of faith.

Eva murmured in her most innocent voice, “I can be forgiven.”

A nod. He was less restrained, now. Just shy of eager.

Fingers drifting to run over his stomach, she prompted, “I don’t know how to do that. Can you help me?”

Horacio swallowed audibly, blinked, then said, “You confess.”

Eva nodded solemnly even though she was ecstatic that he was willing to follow her lead, “I can do that. I’ll confess.”

He shifted, turning towards her and laying his hand atop hers. It rested there a moment before sliding up her arm and over her shoulder to cup her jaw. Eva could see that he intended to kiss her. That couldn’t happen. If he kissed her, she might lose focus on the game they were playing.

It was too soon for that.

Eva was having too much fun.

She turned her head to the side, but let him pull her into his lap. Perched atop his thighs, Eva rested her hands on his chest and said, “Tell me what to do.”

Horacio drew in a sharp breath and then shook his head, as if to clear it. When he looked at her again, his eyes were more focused, “You start with ‘Bless me, Father, for I have sinned’, and then you say what your sins are.”

Eva vaguely remembered hearing that phrase when she was pretending to be Catholic in Louisiana. She thumbed open the top button of his shirt and said, “And then?”

“When you’ve confessed,” he answered, voice rough, “you perform a penance.”

Another button.

“Does it hurt? Penance?”

Horacio’s hands at her waist attempted to pull Eva forward. She resisted with a firm look. She asked a question and expected a response.

His jaw clenched, “No. It depends on the sin. Most of the time, its a prayer.”

Eva rewarded him by opening the rest of the buttons on this shirt and pulling it out of the waistband of his slacks, “What prayer?”

He was losing focus again, pushing the hem of her skirt up and around her hips, “H—Hail Mary.”

She, too, was losing focus. Her hands wandered over his chest, feeling hot skin and firm muscle. The distraction of his body chipped at her resolve to follow through with what she started.

It was Horacio who brought her back.

“And then, the priest gives you absolution.”

The final word was punctuated by a strong pull from his arms that brought her nearly chest to chest with him. He leaned forward and Eva barely reacted fast enough to keep him from kissing her. A little whine of protest came from the back of his throat, which further tested her resolve.

Hands holding his jaw, Eva looked him in the eye, “You can help me, right? Absolve me?”

He nodded.

She took a breath, “Bless me, Father, for I have sinned.”

The arms around her tightened and his hips lifted. Eva could feel his cock pushing at the fly of his slacks. She didn’t know what, exactly, about the whole thing was such a turn on, but it was definitely working for him.

“I’ve been having thoughts,” Eva continued as she leaned back a little so that she could push her thumb into the buckle of his belt.

“What kind of thoughts?”

The leather pulled easily through the buckle, “Indecent ones. In church.”

Horacio watched her hands work, “Indecent?”

“Uh huh,” she replied, “About my husband. Is that bad?”

He stopped moving. She thought he might have stopped breathing. Eva looked up at him to find Horacio’s pupils blown so wide that they nearly encompassed the iris. His jaw was slack and his mouth was open.

Definitely working for him.

Eva rocked forward so that their noses nearly touched, “Is that bad, Padre?”

His chin lifted for a kiss that Eva denied. Horacio blew out a frustrated breath and buried his face into her neck, rubbing against her gland. Eva gasped, momentarily overwhelmed with the zing of pleasure that ran all over her body.

Against her skin, he murmured, “No. Its not bad.”

“Even if these thoughts took place in a church?”

He pulled back, “In?”

Eva smiled in false abashment, “Back when we were in the States, we had to hide in a confessional booth and a parishioner needed to confess. I sat on the floor at his feet while he helped her.”

Horacio’s brows drew together and she could see him remembering. There was a bit of laughter in his eyes and the corners of his mouth turned up.

“While I was down there, I thought about getting him off.”

She’d shocked him.

True shock.

The laughter in his eyes died while his brain came to a complete standstill. Eva let him sit there for a few seconds, thinking about it. Then, she opened the fly of his slacks and pushed her hand inside to grip his shaft. Horacio’s body jerked with a sharp groan. Eva kept her touch light, but steady.

“I suppose I could have done this,” she said airily, “But, that’s not what I was thinking about.” Eva paused to catch her breath, “I was thinking about using my mouth. About how long he could keep quiet while I sucked on the tip. About how fast I could make him come.”

His head dropped back onto the couch. Her name sounded in a soft, barely audible whisper. Horacio’s eyes squeezed shut and hips arched towards her so that his cock slid through her fingers until her fist rested against the base. The arousal between them, already simmering, ratcheted up a notch. Eva, worried that she had gone too fast and that the game would end in the next few seconds, let him go. She balanced with both hands on his chest and murmured to him, “I’m supposed to do penance now, right?”

Horacio’s eyes blinked open. He was dazed, and Eva had repeated her question before he could answer, “Yes.”

“And,” she prompted, “penance is usually done on your knees.”

Eva was pretty sure that wasn’t right, but it seemed like the right thing to say. She slid from his lap to kneel on the floor. On the way down, she caught the waistband of his slacks and eased them down to free his arousal.

He hissed loudly at the first touch of her mouth. The hands on either side of him clenched the cushion beneath. His eyes were focused on her and there was a little crease between his brows.

She lazily licked up one side and down the other, chin dipping to lave over his sack. With one hand on his hip and the other holding him steady, Eva slowly began working him into her mouth. She had to remind herself to breathe through her nose, to relax her jaw. Even then, she struggled to take more than a few inches. All around her, Horacio’s body tightened with restraint. His thighs, his arms, his chest, his hands—all of them working in tandem to maintain his control.

Eva lifted off him with a loud, wet sound, “I’m supposed to do a Hail Mary, right? But, I don’t know it.” Then, in her sweetest voice, “Will you say it for me?”

His teeth dug into his lower lip, and Eva could see his control slipping. The words, when he finally found his voice, were strained.

Hail Mary, full of grace…

Eva went back to work. She followed the rhythm of his words, used them to guide her.

...the Lord is with thee.

The pressure between her legs refused to be ignored any longer. It cried out for touch, for hard friction.

Blessed art thou amongst women…

She rucked up her dress and shoved the hand that wasn’t stroking him under the elastic of her underwear.

...and blessed is the fruit of thy womb, Jesus.

Eva moaned around him, drawing Horacio’s attention. He caught the movement of her hand beneath her dress and gasped.

Santa María, Madre de Dios…

The words were coming faster now, rolling across his tongue between short, staccato breaths.

...ruega por nosotros, pecadores.

She felt him harden further, felt his sack draw up against his body. Both of her hands were wet, slick, and gliding.

Ahora y en la hora de nuestra muerte.

Horacio barely got the last word out around the orgasm. His hips lifted, pushing as much of his cock into her mouth as she could take. Eva’s eyes watered and she jerked back to keep from gagging. The hand still around his length stroked him through it, come spilling out over his stomach.

Eva’s body petitioned for attention, reminding her that she was very, very close. Her hips rolled against her hand and her pussy clenched, empty. She laid her head against Horacio’s thigh and moved two fingers over her clit in tight circles. Eva had mapped the path to coming efficiently ages ago, and the present moment was no different. She bit down on a high pitched whine as she crested into the sweet roll of pleasure.

When she could speak again, Eva looked up at Horacio from between his legs and said, “Amen.”

[gurugirl]

Hey! I came here to say exactly what the anon who didn’t love pitting women against women said. I loved part one and the idea that it would be a fun, sexy threesome with interesting power dynamics.

I totally understand that you are writing for requests and I think your writing is great! I did wonder if your readers/requesters ever stop to think about why they fantasise about men in a way that involves other women getting hurt though. I understand a lot of people here are young and have very little relationship experience but that kind of thing will not serve you well friends! If you were in this exact situation and a man ended up leaving his wife for you, you would forever know that he was capable of doing that to you too. Getting men at the expense of women is something you will eventually feel shame about.

Also wanted to question where the data for most people regretting threesomes comes from. You said that’s “actually the reality” but I’ve never seen a study or anything. I’d be interested to look at threesomes that didn’t involve any kind of coercion or people going along with something they didn’t really want because they wouldn’t speak up.

I’ve had a bunch of threesomes and they were just fun. I’m in a throuple now that started as a threesome so always interested in people who say this.

I think this fiction isn’t just another “women being pitted against each other” - I didn’t say anything on the last one but that’s not what this is about. Nor is it about a woman getting a man at the expense of his wife.

I see what you both feel on this but let’s just remember this isn’t real not is it based on something I hope will happen.

Asking us to question why we want this kind of fantasy to read? Okay.. we could get into the psychology of that thing. Most of us do have some trauma that maybe we use as a way to feel like we have control of the narrative. For me, that’s it. I write a lot of problematic shit because I love feeling power over the narrative and getting to do what I want in the realms of written fiction that hurts zero people (as long as they’re reading the warnings and mature enough to decide what content they consume).

As a grown grown woman - I’m talking older than you very likely - I like this sort of thing. Should I feel ashamed for it?? I don’t think so. I’ve come a long way in my life and I’m not perfect but I have a very wide understanding of people. I’ve had all kinds of sexual encounters and I do write many things from experience or from how I have personally felt during things.

I’m not here to broadcast all healthy and positive relationships. I’m just writing. This isn’t a place to come and learn or take advice or model your life after. I’m writing for you guys for free on tumblr and just having fun.

As for data on where I heard about people not thriving after a threesome? This is more specific to a unicorn situation - not just people having threesomes. I’m very happy for you that for you it has worked out when you’re invited into an existing relationship (or maybe you and your partner have invited someone new in and it worked?)- I’ve not seen actual data about this (are there actual published studies? Couldn’t find any) but there is plenty of anecdotal evidence (stories from people who have been in this situation - again involved in a unicorn type scenario).

Appreciate your thoughts but please don’t take this so seriously that you feel you need to make someone feel shame for a fantasy that they might have. Maybe you didn’t intend that but I’m re reading your ask and that’s exactly what it feels like you’re saying to me.

Xoxo

[olderthannetfic]

#running for board is brutal as fuck#and they don't warn you nearly enough about how bad it gets#and its been getting worse#and this just shows how bad it's been getting too#don't vote for someone you disagree with sure#but don't fucking harass people just because you disagree with their political ideology#consequences to actions not belief systems and all that#oh and i can absolutely attest that they do BEG for people to run#and the person Audrey mentions threatening to run despite being a really important player in a lot of other committees#yeah i can also attest to that#it happens every time there is an election that might go uncontested#and that gets volunteers to step up and run even if they didn't plan to/think they would be good for the job#this happens nearly every single year

Fucking seriously.

I was debating whether to reblog Audrey’s actual post instead of replying to it because more eyeballs are not necessarily desirable, but people are finding it already, so whatever.

I’m seeing a bunch of tags that are like “Gosh, I didn’t realize it was this bad!”, and I have to say...

Where have you all been for the last decade of Twitter?

Yeah, sure, Republicans tend to cry “harassment” at the drop of a hat, especially if called out, but existing as a woman on the internet and especially existing as any sort of fandom person who goes viral means instantly being called a pedo for no reason.

Trying to get people fired from their jobs is par for the course in internet mob behavior. Yes, in the 90s, it was more typically homophobes trying to get slashers fired for being perverts who liked m/m, but times have changed.

Nowadays, pseudo-progressives pull this shit all the time on anyone who gets internet famous and whom they don’t like. They’ve learned it from Youtube and influencer wank where getting people to unsubscribe or stop donating is the primary aim. Going after people’s livelihoods is the first line of attack, not some out-there, shocking thing.

The other primary line of attack is to remove all emotional support from a person, permanently ostracizing them from their communities. The objective isn’t repentance: it’s permanent erasure from the public sphere... or suicide.

That ostracism extends to anyone who supports the person publicly or even questions the tactics. Tainted by association. That’s how the person’s community access is removed.

This kind of bullying should be your instant assumption when internet wank starts about someone. Even if most people aren’t doing it, I guarantee someone is calling them a sexual predator and someone is looking for ways to cause them trouble offline.

And while most individual people did not go this far, clutching our collective pearls about “HOWWWW was she ALLOWWWWWED to run?????” and other anti-democracy bullshit like that just empowers the shitstains who do.

It’s that “Purify the community at all costs and then we’ll be safe!” shit that creates the perfect Petri dish for the extreme strains.

--

It should not take an upset-sounding post from the target for people to understand how these situations operate and the emotional toll they take on the victim.

Everyone who’s been the subject of an internet mob for the first time tends to sound the same. They’re always left bewildered and floundering. They probably saw past wanks as, if not exactly deserved, then something that happens if you hang out in spaces with a lot of drama. Avoidable, if you’re a sensible person, surely? They probably didn’t look into just how deep the harassment goes. Why would they?

Cry all you want about “She’s a Republican though”, but the dynamics here and the emotional response are no different from Old Guard wank or Isabel Fall or any other viral bullying campaign bullshit that’s crossed my path.

--

Much of this boils down to double standards for people doing good works of any kind and for people who are minorities.

Write fiction about such-and-such a minority, and you’d better be a flawless saint with nothing problematic anywhere in your work. Are you a minority yourself? x1000, you traitor!

Work for a nonprofit or any other kind of good cause, and it’s the same.

It’s not just OTW: I’ve seen plenty of other people go “But I had good intentions!” as they’re chewed up and spat out by some do-gooder organization with a toxic internal culture and a toxic audience.

--

If we don’t make room for pragmatism and uniting when we have common cause, we’re never going to accomplish anything.

If we can’t have a modicum of human empathy without first seeing the person cry, all that does is encourage crocodile tears or a lack of emotional regulation.

OTW was built around the pragmatic idea that protecting “bad” art we don’t like means art with think should be uncontested but isn’t is also protected. Letting conservatives contribute labor—letting anyone contribute labor—to the extent that they can agree with OTW’s goals is consistent with that pragmatism.

Rending our garments over perfect ideological purity is incompatible with making OTW function.

--

The reason you don’t see more people saying so, especially on Twitter, is that they don’t want to end up on some blocklist everyone mindlessly copies or being harassed themselves.

I already get harassed and don’t give a fuck if you block me, so I can say what I want.

The fact that she puts on a show about being “moderate” just makes me hate and distrust her more. She’s never going to cross all the way over, so what’s the point? I know it’s important to cooperate with people at whatever middle ground you can find, but it feels degrading to have to reach this far.

--

The thing I think a lot of the bitching in my replies is missing is that the bad part here isn't opposing her bid for the Board. That's entirely justified.

The bad part is:

Thinking this must be a conspiracy that involves other Republicans

Thinking it's wrong for OTW to allow her to run

Thinking it's impossible that she's also being harassed in addition to being rightly grilled about how her political stances do or don't line up with OTW's

Thinking that she has no place in general OTW work that's not the Board

Thinking that Republicans or conservatives or [insert group here] don't also like fanfic and don't also care about archiving it

We don't have to cooperate by actually putting a Republican on the Board. Fuck that. Nobody thought she was a good candidate.

What we do need to do is stop being mega assholes in a way that will scare people away from even running. This reaction is not going to put off only conservative candidates. "You shouldn't vote for her because she's a Republican. [link to evidence]" is totally fine, but the reactions have gone far beyond that.

What we do need to do is welcome people who are willing to show up and do the low level grunt work. We don't need to like someone's politics to let them do all the boring tag wrangling or the grueling hours of translation.

There are large parts of OTW that are less like public office and more like organizing people to pick up trash around the neighborhood. If you're here to pick up trash with me, I don't care if you have stupid views as long as you do the work and treat the other volunteers well.

Yes, absolutely, vote to keep conservatives out of leadership positions! But the reactions this election cycle haven't only been that: they've been naive incredulity that any conservative could possibly share any common goals or be useful in any context to any fandom endeavor.

These are dangerous and stupid attitudes.

[yiling-daddy]

Yes, that was me! I can definitely expand on my thoughts re: how Madam Yu’s behaviour reads differently to me due to my traditional, Chinese upbringing.

There is a lot of subjectivity as to whether Madam Yu can be read as abusive, and this reading is often influenced by culture—hence you often see completely off-base takes floating around. However, to me, the way that cultural context influences the reading will actually change depending on the relationship, so I will discuss each one separately. Most of the culturally insensitive takes are about her being an abusive or uncaring mother (she’s not), or that she’s a spurned woman (it’s more complicated than that), so you can skip down to the JC, JYL, and CSSR sections for that.

Madam Yu and Wei Wuxian

As a trend, I think western fandom tends to simplify Wei Wuxian’s dynamic with the Jiang family into an entire adopted family. Consequently, Yu Ziyuan gets perceived as this two-dimensional, evil stepmom figure—but I think this doesn’t capture the truth.

There’s a bit more variability among Chinese audiences when they read the Jiang family dynamic, partly due to our deeper familiarity with wuxia tropes, but mostly because there's a mediocre Netflix translation colouring the western interpretation. Though many Chinese fans do view them all as a sort of family unit and read Madam Yu as a stepmother, I do not. To me, Jiang Fengmian and Jiang Yanli view Wei Wuxian as family—but Madam Yu does not. Madam Yu views him as a servant, a disciple of the sect, and an outsider at the dinner table—and it’s not wrong for her to do so. It’s not gracious, but it’s not unfounded. I don’t think Wei Ying ever gives any indication that he views her as a mother, either.

If you agree that they don’t have anything like a mother-son relationship, all these insults/complaints that Yu Ziyuan levels at him—that he’s the “son of a servant”, that Jiang Fengmian is weird for openly favouring Wei Wuxian over his own son, etc.—these start to make sense? Like, it’s shitty to listen to, but none of it is wrong. Suddenly it reads less like pointless insults and more like actual points.

Additionally, if we consider that Wei Wuxian is a disciple of the sect who goes around and raises the ire of the Wen clan, corporal punishment suddenly looks very normal (again, within the culture). Hence, when I watched the donghua and CQL, I hated seeing Wei Wuxian getting whipped, but I didn’t perceive this as abuse—especially because of the political nature of the decision.

But it is definitely still possible to mistreat a disciple.

In CQL, you see Madam Yu throwing an unnecessary amount of vitriol at Wei Ying. In the novel extras, it's revealed that she regularly whipped him but never whipped the other disciples, indicating that it wasn't normal corporal punishment. She also whipped him for absurdly stupid reasons. To me, this signals that she tended to abuse her authority over him. Even if you don’t view her as an abusive mother to Wei Ying, it's fair to read her as an abusive authority figure.

Importantly however, "abuse" is a loaded word suggesting a violation of social norms, and again, the situation is complicated because the social norms of the setting don't match those of the modern world. Madam Yu is not overstepping her bounds as master of Lotus Pier—hence, people do not think very much of this treatment in-universe, including Wei Ying himself.

Madam Yu, Jiang Cheng, and Jiang Yanli

Okay, when I first watched CQL, I cringed when Madam Yu started dragging her family because she sounded like My Actual Chinese Mother. I felt for a second like I had transmigrated into Jiang Cheng’s body and I was experiencing his agony firsthand!

Madam Yu reads very realistically, and I think this is why it gets personal for a lot of Chinese people when this fandom discusses her character. Yes, she belittles and hurts her children for their perceived failures, but many Chinese people can tell you that this is just a common parenting style. And while it might look like bullying to an outsider, this behaviour is usually motivated by love. It is often also motivated by fear that the child’s future will be substandard. This is textually obvious when you consider what exactly Madam Yu yells about:

She snaps at Yanli to stop peeling lotus pods, because she shouldn’t act like a servant. If Yanli keeps behaving so passively, what kind of role is she going to fall into in the future—especially given that she is not a cultivator?

She berates Jiang Cheng for always being inferior to Wei Wuxian no matter what he does. If Jiang Cheng is constantly overshadowed by Wei Wuxian, what will that mean for his future as sect leader? Or his future status and reputation among the sects?

I can do these Chinese Mom Translations because parents in real life will actually say things like this out of concern for their children (insults included), in an attempt to motivate them... and it really does light a fire under our asses. I attribute many of my personal successes to this parenting style. Thus, when I see posts like “Madam Yu didn’t show any sign of caring for others” or "Madam Yu was a purely selfish and arrogant person" or “Madam Yu is an abusive mother and nothing else"—well, I can tell most of these people are not Chinese, or if they are, then they likely did not have a traditional upbringing.

While I don't think these uninformed readings of Madam Yu are necessarily racist, I do think they they are unpleasant for Chinese fans to constantly see. For those of us in the west that had this type of upbringing, we often struggle with trying to frame and process our relationships with our parents. For me, this was partly due to the emotional baggage of my upbringing (Jiang Cheng winning!!!)... but it was also because white society kept telling me that my parents didn't give a shit about me when obviously they did. That’s fucked up to experience. It reeks of cultural imperialism. Thus, when I see Chinese people getting annoyed at these Madam Yu takes, I’m not surprised. This is unfortunately a fictional discussion that very much resembles a real one for us.

Yu Ziyuan, Jiang Fengmian, and Cangse Sanren

A lot of people view Madam Yu as a spurned woman and assume that is her motivation for constantly antagonizing Wei Wuxian and her husband. But because I assume that a lot of her chaotic yelling stems from her concerns as an Actual Chinese Mother, my take is different.

Remember the scene where Madam Yu catches Jiang Fengmian scolding Jiang Cheng just after praising Wei Wuxian? She drags Jiang Cheng up to his father and, in both CQL and the donghua, says something to this effect (paraphrased from memory):

This is your son, the future master of Lotus Pier! Even if you don’t like him because he was born to me, his surname is still Jiang!

And in CQL, she also says this right after berating Jiang Cheng for not measuring up to Wei Wuxian:

But it’s not your fault. Your mother is no match for his mother.

Yu Ziyuan isn’t angry about Cangse Sanren because she’s jealous; she is angry about Cangse Sanren because she thinks Jiang Fengmian’s feelings for her are jeopardizing his competence as a father to Jiang Cheng. Viewed in this light, it also makes sense why Yu Ziyuan is hostile to Wei Wuxian in a way that alienates him from the family—constantly calling him the son of a servant, pointing out the rumours about his parentage, etc. She’s not doing this because she hates Cangse Sanren or Wei Wuxian; she’s doing it because Wei Wuxian’s presence in the family is threatening Jiang Cheng’s future in her eyes.

Bonus: Did Yu Ziyuan love Jiang Fengmian?

Yes! In both the donghua and CQL (I ashamedly admit I don’t clearly remember the novel), I thought their final moments made it quite evident that they cared for each other. They fought together, died together to protect their home, and reached out to one another in their final moments.

But when I rewatched Madam Yu’s scenes in CQL and the donghua, I realized we got other hints that westerners probably missed. I'll focus on CQL:

Right before Jiang Fengmian sets off with Yanli for Lanling, Madam Yu sees them off. She gives Yanli some snacks and then—without making eye contact with Jiang Fengmian—says that she’s also giving them medicine in case someone gets a headache. Jiang Fengmian pauses, because it’s obviously for him.

This is recognizable behaviour for a lot of Chinese people. I can’t tell you how many times my mother got apoplectic at me, and then the only follow-up was her going out of her way to make me my favourite meal. The chaotic yelling you see between Jiang Fengmian and Yu Ziyuan is also pretty typical to many Chinese parents, and again, the follow-up in my household was often one of them going out of their way to do something for the other.

This is just how the culture is in a lot of families. “Sorry” isn’t expressed in words; it's expressed in actions. “I love you” isn’t expressed in words; it’s expressed in actions. In Chinese culture, the dominant love language is acts of service. It's fleeting, but we get glimpses of that kind of love between Yu Ziyuan and Jiang Fengmian. 

[baixueagain]

The Gendo & Rei Question: Intro & Part I

Introduction

A couple nights ago I received this question and ever since I’ve been working to answer it, except it turns out that I have a hell of a lot more to say than I originally thought I did. It’s thus turned into a multi-part series, so stay tuned for coming installations. I have been curious about the odd relationship between Gendo Ikari and Rei Ayanami ever since I was a fourteen-year-old myself, but my latest Evangelion rewatch at the ripe old age of thirty-three has brought it all surging back and provided me with a lot more insight that I had in my past watches (first as a teenager, then as a twenty-something). It's also really the perfect archetype of a type of fictional relationship that has always absolutely fascinated me, which I'm sure anyone who's followed this blog and read my work for long enough can tell. In an anime that really centres on characters' relationships it's definitely the one that I think is the most interesting, and part of that is its deep ambiguity and flirtation with being openly taboo.

I should first note that I'm mainly going by the canon for the 26-episode anime and End of Evangelion here as that's mostly what I care about in terms of the franchise and it’s what I’m personally most familiar with. There's been lots of things given Word-of-God since, and there’s plenty of additional detail in the manga (once I’m done reading the manga I may do a separate post on that, since the manga really makes explicit the implicit), and that’s not even counting the many alternate universe stories and the Rebuild series. For brevity’s sake I'm thus primarily using what we see in the anime. Also, I may get things wrong since the lore is so uncertain and at times contradictory.

Gendo's textual treatment of Rei from the anime and EoE alone speaks volumes about the nature of their dynamic, even if many of the exact events that developed that dynamic are unclear. And to understand Gendo’s relationship with Rei, we first have to understand his relationship with his dead wife, Yui Ikari.

Part I: The Girl Who Got (Absorbed) Away

Gendo’s story with Yui starts when he is introduced to Professor Kozo Fuyutsuki, who says that he knows Gendo Rokubungi by reputation and then goes to pick him up from the slammer. Gendo is (presumably) a PhD student like Yui, and take it from a PhD: this is definitely unusual. Us academics aren’t really the bar brawl sort. And yet here’s Gendo, his face bruised, arm sprained, and looking like he’s had quite a long night in the drunk tank. He states that the other guy started it, that he’s not exactly a people person, and that he’s used to others’ disdain. On their first meeting, Fuyutsuki finds him “thoroughly unpleasant” even though the intense young man has apparently been excited to meet the professor ever since he heard about Fuyutsuki from a “mutual friend.” Gendo is a stark contrast to the charming, kind, and well-presented Yui that we met alongside Fuyutsuki earlier. To Fuyutsuki’s shock, he soon learns that Gendo and Yui have been involved for a while despite being apparent polar opposites.

Despite his rough appearance and almost arrogant mannerisms, we already know three things about how Gendo views Yui: he automatically values and trusts the mentor she admires (enough to ask Fuyutsuki to come pick him up from jail), he doesn’t call Yui his girlfriend even though they probably are already involved by this point, and he asked his girlfriend’s mentor to come pick him up instead of just asking his actual girlfriend.

Now, this seems on its surface a pretty odd cluster of facts, and some of them could have multiple valid explanations. For example, perhaps he doesn’t tell Fuyutsuki of their true relationship simply out of a sense of privacy or decorum. But it all comes together when the final piece of the puzzle is revealed in EoE: Gendo hates himself. Deeply, passionately hates himself. And just as much as he despises himself, he adores Yui and sees her as the only person capable of loving him for who he truly is. And that kind of self-hatred starts young. My theory for this scene is that Gendo doesn’t feel worthy to call Yui his girlfriend and despite his casual swagger, he doesn’t want her to see him this way. After all, this is a prestigious university and Yui is a rising star among her colleagues. It’s clear—and we see this in Fuyutsuki’s reaction—that Gendo is a step down in terms of dating. And I’m certain that nobody believed this more than Gendo himself.

Also important to note is that once they get married, Gendo Rokubungi takes Yui’s name via the practice of mukoyoshi, which occurs when a son-in-law is adopted into his marital family. This is frequently done when the head of a corporation lacks a male heir, but so far as we know the Ikaris weren’t a business family. However, mukoyoshi can also happen when the groom is lower-class than the bride, his biological family has a shameful background, or he’s been disowned by his biological family. So while it tends to go over the English audience’s heads, this detail would have signalled to the original Japanese audience that Gendo is probably the one who got very lucky in marrying Yui—lucky enough that he gave up everything of his background to be with her. Again we get the sense that he views himself as unworthy in this relationship.

Immediately after revealing that he’s now Gendo Ikari, he reveals a new detail: Yui is at home, caring for their newborn. And when he says this, he smiles in joy. Earlier, Yui had said—to Fuyutsuki’s surprise—that she was open to a domestic role as well as an academic or research job. Thus, her staying home with their newborn child is already framed not as her being the submissive half of the couple, but simply as a woman doing something she’s always wanted to do just as much as scientific work. And Gendo, bless him, looks incredibly proud of her (he is, as I’ve said before, essentially a wifeguy gone bad). Just as notable is the fact that once Shinji is old enough, Yui happily returns to work alongside her husband at Gehirn, and they seem to function as a team. Throughout the show, their relationship is implied to have been incredibly equal and balanced…outside of the rumours that he murdered her, of course. Yui is Gendo’s redemption from a murky, unpleasant past, and now they’re working together to save mankind from coming doom.

And then, just like that, she’s gone. The redeeming light of his life blinks out in an instant, and Gendo becomes a man obsessed with recapturing that light. He disappears for a week without giving notice, and when he comes back he is a man transformed by a new purpose. The symbolism in the scene is obvious: he is not only bearing a cross, but impaled by it.

The Gendo we meet in Episode 1 of Evangelion is thus a man trapped in an endless grief cycle of hoping for reunion with the love of his life on the one hand, and on the other, despair of ever connecting with anyone else or finding meaning without her. His entire world is built on this obsession over grief and his refusal to grow past it. As a result, virtually all his other relationships grind to a halt, and he holds everyone in his life at a rigid distance...except for Rei Ayanami. Rei becomes a "safe space" from that grief cycle even as her existence enables him to perpetuate it, and I'll dig into that in coming installments.

I should also make a note here of Gendo's immense guilt, which goes hand-in-hand with his grief. It's surprising to think that someone like Gendo, who expresses virtually no remorse for the majority of the story, is in fact wrapped up in guilt as well as grief, but he is—at least according to my reading of him. I think a large part of it is survivor's guilt: both he and Yui were working on Project E, but she's the one who got killed doing it. What’s more, despite their equal footing in a lot of things, he seems to have been the one helming the project, which in turn would make him directly responsible for his wife’s accident. I sincerely think that he is unable to reconcile himself to the fact that she died instead of him, and that he was sitting at a safe distance watching as she was destroyed. This is accentuated by the rumours that spread about Gendo murdering his own wife, and it is very likely—based on his behaviour—that he thinks he did, too. This becomes his excuse for every other atrocity he commits. After all, he’s already committed the worst crime he could’ve ever conceived of: he got Yui killed. No other cruel, brutal, or vicious act could ever possibly compare to that. All other wrongs become justified in the pursuit of undoing his single greatest sin.

And just as with his grief, Rei becomes a simultaneous escape from and excuse for his guilt and self-hatred.

To be continued in Part II: Wife Husbandry, or the Genetic Pygmalion

Like my meta? Buy me a coffee!

[recurring-polynya]

Writing/Art Update 9/23/2022

I read a post a while ago when you don’t exactly have writer’s block, but you do have writer’s traffic jam, where you write stuff, like, 1 sentence at a time, and that’s where I am right now, both on the writing and on the art front. 

I know it doesn’t seem like it sometimes, but Heart is a Muscle is my most important and beloved story, and I do try to work on it when I feel like. I think I mentioned last time that I was feeling itchy for it, so I went ahead and wrote a particular scene that I was thinking about, which rang up 2261 words (bringing the whole thing up to 7495...I’m not very far along). I feel like this one is gonna a real Polynya Deep Cut, in the sense that it relies on so many of my arcane headcanons and extremely niche dynamics that people are going to have to actually read the rest of the series to find out what’s going on, but maybe that’s not necessarily a bad thing. 

Anyway, I wrote the bit I meant to write and then I got back to the Tattoo Artist AU, and wrote 1008 words of the next chapter. Hrnnngh, it felt like so much more while I was actually writing it, probably because it’s mostly about Rukia’s car, and I had to watch a bunch of videos and read a bunch of Lotus forum posts. I’ve been trying not to lose steam on this one, but I am very definitely losing steam. On the other hand, I lost steam on it once, like, back in March, and then when I picked it up again in July or so, it was very easy to continue, so maybe I need to take a break. I don’t really know. I know where the rest of the fanfic is going and it’s not that complicated of a thing, and I’d really like to get through to the end, but on the other hand, I would also like to enjoy writing it, instead of just plowing through for the sake of getting done, y’know?

I *do* know that there is a sort of Welcome Back, Bleach event going on in a few weeks that I’d really like to participate in, so maybe that will be enough of a break. It’s been a bit since I did any short fiction, which is always a bit like performance art, where I always have this deep fear that I’m gonna open prompts or something and then absolutely blow it. This has never actually happened, but I have certainly had events that went better than others. 

My art project is still... on-going. I think I am through the most arduous and time-consuming part of it, but it’ll still be a while before it’s ready for private consumption. I colored part of it and decided I hated it, so I need to try and figure out what went wrong there. Usually that happens with the line art, but I think the lineart came out pretty good, so maybe that’s an improvement? 

That’s been my week! I finished Nona, too. There’s Bake-Off tonight, and I’m looking forward to Spy x Family returning and then Bleach right after that. I honestly cannot express how nice it is to have new media available to consume (me 🤝 SecUnit), but it’s doing wonders for my mental health right now (even if it is tanking my writing productivity.... 3269 for the week...yuck. At least it’s better than the 1500 of last week.)

[childishfluff]

Mister Nook- Little!Tommy/CG!Awesamdude (DSMP Agere)

Summary: 

When Tommy gets himself into trouble while regressed, and Sam has to be stern with him for the first time ever, and the new caregiver finds out some of the ways Tommy's past caretakers have affected him.

But everything turns out fine, because Mister Nook knows just how to cheer him up and exactly what to say to help him feel better. -- This is non-sexual, sfw age regression, dni if you're nsfw/abdl/ageplay/cgl/ect. If any of the creators included in this work say *anything* about being uncomfy with fan fiction/of agere content including them, I will take this down and/or modify it appropriately. If they have already said something that I'm unaware of, please let me know.

A/N: Okay so I wanted to write something cute bc the familial dynamic here?? is so?? cute?? anyways- also, here, tommy deals with anxiety/has a sort of panic attack, sorry I'm projecting onto c!tommy and no one can stop me. It's also really fluffy near the end, but I wanted to put the appropriate warnings. Warnings: Talk of slightly abusive past-cgs (only mentioned/you can see the after effects of it), little breaking down/having a short panic attack but Sam helps him through it, attempting to hide fidgeting (idk if that needs a warning?), and Tommy thinking badly about himself.

--

His tear-filled eyes were casted down, staring at his own feet as he switched his weight between them, waiting to be yelled at by the adult man in front of him. He held his hands behind his back, attempting to hide the fact that he was fidgeting.

"You could've hurt yourself, Tommy," Sam spoke softly, crouching down to meet his height. "I need you to stick with me, and not climb anything, I don't know how many times I have to tell you." He sounded disappointed, but not quite mad. Tommy waited, expecting more scolding or punishment.

He had regressed while on a trip for supplies with Sam Nook (the teenager didn't need to know that it was just Sam acting for his sake), the creeper hybrid immediately offering to care for him. And Tommy, instead of being thankful for Sam's kindness, ignored every rule he set in place. No wandering off, no climbing things because 'you're just a kid and I don't want you to get hurt', he didn't listen to any of it.

Sam had been patient, too, stopping his collecting and calmly reminding the kid that he wasn't supposed to do that, before ruffling his hair or kissing his forehead and returning to his work. All of that, only for Tommy to immediately go back to the thing he wasn't supposed to do.

Tommy heart had dropped and melted into a pool of anxiety the moment Sam snapped in frustration and pulled him down from where he hung on a tree, telling him that he shouldn't try and climb when he's so small and clumsy. The moment Sam got to stern with him, Tommy was prepared for yelling and some sort of punishment.

A time out? Ten minutes of no-talking-time, no matter how emotional he was or how much comfort he needed? Maybe his stuffed animals would be taken away once they headed home, or possible his favorite toy would be banished to a cabinet he couldn't reach for a bit. Or he wouldn't be allowed to have his favorite dessert, chocolate chip cookies, for a little while. He didn't know, it was always a surprise with his past caregivers.

"M' sorry," Tommy mumbled, not looking up at him. He blinked away tears, sniffling already.

"Hey," Sam realized that he made him cry, frowning, "I'm sorry I snapped at you, Toms. I just got frustrated, no one's upset with you, or angry," he said, trying to get a glance at his face, only for Tommy to duck his head farther down. "Hey, hey, look up at me." he still spoke softly, calmly as ever, which only scared Tommy more.

It felt like he was watching a ticking bomb, and that Sam would hit a certain point and just burst, and the bomb explosion would bring the overly-harsh disciplinary behaviors he was used to.

He had broke the rules, where was the yelling?

Tommy felt fingers under his chin, gently guiding him to look up. He was a bit confused when he saw nothing but the face of a concerned friend. "Sorry, sorry, should've listened," he mumbled, backing away from Sam. "P'ease don' be mad."

"I'm not mad! Not at all," Sam didn't know how to help, or why the boy was so scared. All it took was him getting a little frustrated for Tommy to become an anxious mess, crying and begging for him not to be mad. What had his past caregivers done to make him expect anger so bad it made him cry, when he broke the rules?

He was simply a child being ordered to just follow an adult around with nothing to do while said adult worked, it wasn't fun and it should almost be expected for him to get into a little trouble, Sam knew that. That's why he was being so lenient and calm, trying to find ways to entertain Tommy as he worked, he was trying to be understanding. But apparently, past caregivers didn't think the same way.

"No, no, m' sorry," Tommy continued to fidget behind his back, still feeling the need to hide his anxious habit, not listening to Sam's attempts at reassuring him as he panicked. He finally finds an adult that cares about him, and he messes it up by being a brat (As Wilbur so kindly put it constantly back in Pogtopia)? Sam hated him, there's no way he didn't. He had messed up already and he hated himself for it.

"Come here," Sam ordered, opening his arms. "If you want to," he added, realizing that the boy might not want to hug him. He didn't know how else to comfort a crying child, though.

Tommy only stepped forward, wiping at his face and going quiet. Sam sighed, "Okay," he lowered his arms, figuring he wasn't getting anywhere with that. Plus, the creeper didn't want to make him uncomfortable. He'd just figure out another way to help him.

"What's wrong, Toms?" He wanted to figure this out, he just wanted to help him.

"When are you gonna yell at me, Mister Nook?" he tilted his head as he looked up at Sam with curious and innocent eyes, genuinely confused with the situation. Sam was still being nice to him, even though he wasn't being good. He didn't get it.

"Why would I yell at you?" Sam seemed confused, and all the more concerned.

"Cause I was bad," Tommy mumbled, dropping his hands to his sides when Sam seemed to noticed that his arms were moving.

Sam took a second to process the little's words, feeling anger bubble in his chest when he put together what that meant. He couched down a bit more, giving Tommy a serious look.

"Tommy, did your other caregivers yell when you broke the rules or got in trouble?" He questioned carefully, feeling himself get unreasonably angry as he thought about what his next interactions with Philza or Technoblade would look like. He pushed that aside, looking to Tommy. For now, he needed to focus on the regressor, and help him calm down. He had an anxious little to care for, he'd get revenge on the assholes that made him anxious at a later date.

\He watched as Tommy nodded nervously. "And yelling scares you?" he asked, sympathetic tone in his voice. Another nod, paired with Tommy looking down at his feet again, as if he was embarrassed. Sam lifted his chin again, "So, your old caregivers, they got mad at you when you misbehaved?"

He sounded shocked, like the behavior was unreasonable. Of course, it really was, but Tommy didn't quite understand that. He didn't deserve to be yelled at just because he wasn't perfectly behaved all the time. He didn't deserve to be treated this badly, especially when he was turning to his safe place.

Tommy nodded a bit, wiping a tear from under his eye, "Don' like it when people are mad at me. Makes me feel bad." he explained in his childlike voice. He was calming down a bit, listening to Sam's non-angry not-loud voice, almost ready to believe that he wasn't gonna be screamed at.

"Oh, sweet thing," Sam sighed, feeling his heart melt in his chest, "I'm never gonna get mad at you for breaking the rules, okay? I might get a little upset, or frustrated, but never mad, and I won't yell at you unless I absolutely have to, which I'm sure I won't." he explained. Tommy seemed to feel a bit better hearing that, slipping younger as he listened to Sam's calm and soft and reassuring voice.

"You sure? m' not in twouble?" Tommy fiddled with his hands behind his back again, a little sad that he did have any of his comfort items with him. All of his fidget toys and stuffed animals were tucked in a chest in his shack. He hadn't planned to regress today, so all that stuff was back at home.

"No, I don't like punishments anyway! Just try to listen better next time, okay? I'm also really sorry that I snapped at you." Sam held out his pinky, promising that Tommy was okay. Tommy took it in his own, seeming relieved when Sam didn't take back his words in any way. "We'll work on rules and rewards, and getting you to listen better, and how to deal with it when you don't without scaring you. We can talk about it when you're big."

Sam wasn't lying. He preferred the idea reinforcing positive behaviors and softly correcting negative ones, and only using simple, quick punishments that connected directly to whatever was done whenever they were really needed.

Sam ruffled his hair, glad that he wasn't crying anymore, happy he had found a way to comfort him without crossing any of his boundaries. Tommy leaned into the touch as he processed his words. "Rewards?" he seemed like an excited little puppy. Was he not rewarded for good behavior before? Did none of his previous caregivers know what positive reinforcement was?

"Yeah, if you're a good baby and follow the rules well, we can get you new toys and stuff. How does that sound?" Sam paused, thinking it over. "Actually, you can earn a reward if you stick by me and don't climb anything for the rest of the trip."

Tommy's eyes widened as he gasped, bouncing on his feet. "Really?"

"Yep!" Sam said, popping the 'p', "If you're on you're very best behavior, I'll pay Eret to make you a new stuffie, okay? It can be anything you want!" Sam spoke in an overly-excited voice, matching Tommy's 'excited toddler' energy. He'd rather a hyper little than an anxious one.

"Even even ev-" Tommy took a breath, his excitement causing him to stumble over his words, "Even a cow? Wanna a cow stuffie!"

"If that's what you want, I'll just have to ask Eret what she can do," Sam nodded, standing up straight. "C'mon kiddo, I'm gonna get the last of what we need so that we can head home."

Immediately, Tommy followed Sam, sticking by his side the rest of the trip. Not because he was scared of getting in trouble, but because he wanted his reward. He wanted to make 'Mister Nook' proud of him. That's what being a softer caregiver did, it made him want to behave.

Little did anyone know, a softer caregiver is exactly what he needed. Yelling didn't work, it only sent him into panic attacks and break downs. And Sam picked up on that quicker then any of his previous caregivers ever did.

Instead of wandering off and causing trouble, he fiddled with his hands (not behind his back, or because he was anxious, but because he was excited and hopeful) as he followed Sam around like a little helper, rambling on about whatever he wanted, temporarily forgetting about his previous tears or anxious thoughts as Sam was nothing but kind and gentle with him. Eventually they headed home, Sam offering to stay with Tommy for the night, not wanting him to be this little alone.

"Good job today, kiddo. I'll ask Eret about that cow stuffie when I see them next, yeah?" Tommy led Sam to his bedroom once the caregiver told him it was getting late and he wanted him to get to bed soon.

Tommy smiled, "I really did good?" he asked, looking up at Sam hopefully. "Be- beca-" he huffed, frustrated with himself for struggling with the word, "Cause' I tried really hard!" he eventually settled on shortening the word, a little shocked when Sam didn't try to correct him, or get annoyed because he 'wasn't speaking properly'.

"I know, sweetheart. And that's all I ask for, is that you try," Sam ruffled his hair. Just like earlier, Tommy leaned into the touch. After this, Sam lead him through the process of getting ready for bed, laying down with him when the little claimed he absolute needed to cuddle both the creeper hybrid and every single one of his stuffies.

"T'ank you, Mister Nook," Tommy mumbled, cuddling into his chest sleepily.

"For what, Toms?" Sam smiled at his use of 'Mister Nook', glad he found an endearing term he was comfortable with using. This was Sam's first time officially caring for Tommy, though he had agreed that he would when Tommy opened up about wanting to start regressing again a few weeks prior. He just didn't think it'd happen on a trip for supplies.

"Helpin' me when I was sad. Makin' me feel better," he explained his thought process the best he could in his childlike headspace, "Make me happy." He was obviously half asleep, but he was telling the truth. He meant every word he said, even if it didn't make complete sense.

Sam felt his heart warm as Tommy nuzzled his way further into Sam's chest, somehow cuddling even closer. Big Tommy would surely be embarrassed in response to this whole situation, but the new caregiver just found it adorable. "Awe, you're welcome, buddy. I'm glad I could help." he smiled softly, hold him close.

This kid just had him wrapped around his finger, huh? He came in, with his anxiety and trauma, obviously needing help, that Sam was quick to offer. And he was glad he did so, he wanted to do everything he could to help this annoying blonde kid, even if it'd be the end of him.

Tommy seemed to be getting closer and closer to falling asleep by the second, his eyes fluttering shut as he started to give up on staying awake. "Mhm, love yous Mister Nook." His voice was barely audible, mumbled out softly and quietly.

Sam was a little shocked when he processed his words, but he smiled wide, happy that the little cared about him too. He had grown to care about this kid, a lot, and in a very short amount of time. "I-i love you too, kiddo."

But Tommy was already fast asleep, safe in his caregivers arms as he dreamt of playful adventures and fun games, no worries in his mind about loud yelling or anxious tears. Because he was just a kid, and he shouldn't have to worry about those things.

And Sam wanted to do everything he could to help him live a fun and worry free life, the kind of one he'd see in his dreams. He just wanted to protect him. From overly harsh carers or anxiety, no matter what it took.

Because he was Little Tommy's 'Mister Nook'.

--

A/N: I hope y'all liked that! if you're reading this, then you get some exciting news! I'm doing a joint writing project (a short, multi-part dsmp agere fic) that I should be posting the first chapter of soon! It's been really cool see our writing styles and headcannons clash as we work on this, and I really hope you guys like it! I am very excited about it!

anyways, please reply/reblog with/send asks with feedback on this chapter. Can you relate to Tommy? Do you like how I portrayed Tommy and Sam's new cglre dynamic? You can say literally anything, I still appreciate it. Criticism, your favorite scene or bit, or literally heart emojis to say 'hey! I enjoyed this but I'm awkward and this is how I show my support!!!'. 

And, feel free to request something, either in this universe, a completely different one, or one of my others. The worst that can happen is that I say no/take a while to get to it! have a good day, everyone! thanks for reading! 

[flufffysocks]

let's talk about andi mack's worldbuilding

sorry this took forever to make! i've been pretty busy with school stuff and i kind of lost my inspiration for a bit, but i ultimately really enjoyed writing it! i wish i could've included more pics (tumblr has a max of 10 per post), and it kinda turned from less of a mini analysis to more of an extremely long rant... but i hope it's still a fun read!

i've been rewatching the show over the past few weeks (thanks again to @disneymack for the link!), and i’ve been noticing a lot that i never did the first time around. this is really the first time i’ve watched the show from start to finish since it aired, and it honestly feels so different this time - probably a combination of the fact that i’m not as focused on plot and can appreciate the show as a whole, and also that the fandom is much, much smaller now, so there’s a lot less noise. so the way i’m consuming this show feels super different than it did the first time, but the show itself doesn’t - it’s just as warm and comforting to me as it was the first time around, if not more so.

i think a lot of that can be attributed to andi mack’s “worldbuilding”. i’m not quite sure that this is the right word in this context, to be honest, because i mostly see it used in reference to fantasy and sci-fi universes, but it just sort of feels right to me for andi mack, because you can really tell how much love and care went into constructing this universe. for clarity, worldbuilding is “the process of creating an imaginary world” in its simplest sense. there’s two main types: hard worldbuilding, which involves inventing entire universes, languages, people, cultures, places, foods, etc. from scratch (think “lord of the rings” or “dune”), and soft worldbuilding, in which the creators don’t explicitly state or explain much about the fictional universe, but rather let it’s nature reveal itself as the story progresses (think studio ghibli films). andi mack to me falls in the soft worldbuilding category. even though it takes place in a realistic fiction universe, there’s a lot of aspects to it that are inexplicably novel in really subtle ways.

so watching the show now, i’ve noticed that the worldbuilding comes primarily from two things - setting and props, and oftentimes the both of them in tandem (because a big part of setting in filmmaking does depend on the props placed in it!).

one of the most obvious examples is the spoon. it really is a sort of quintessential, tropic setting in that it's the main gang's "spot", which automatically gives it a warm and homey feel to it. and its set design only amplifies this:

the choice to make it a very traditional 50s-style diner creates a very nostalgic, retro feel to it, which is something that's really consistent throughout the show, as you'll see. from the round stools at the bar, to the booths, to the staff uniforms, this is very obvious. the thing that i found especially interesting about it though is the choice of color. the typical 50s diner is outfitted with metallic surfaces and red accented furnishings, but the spoon is very distinctly not this.

instead, it's dressed in vibrant teal and orange, giving it a very fresh and modern take on a classic look. so it still maintains that feeling of being funky and retro, but that doesn't retract from the fact that the show is set distinctly in modern times.

of course, this could just be a one-off quirky set piece, but this idea of modernizing and novelizing "retro" things is a really common motif throughout the show. take red rooster records. i mean, it's a record shop - need i say more? it's obviously a very prominent store in shadyside, at least for the main characters, but there's no apparent reason why it is (until season 2 when bowie starts working there, and jonah starts performing there). a lot of the time, though, it functions solely as a record shop. vinyl obviously isn't the most practical or convenient way of listening to music, but it's had its resurgence in pop culture even in the real world, mostly due to its aesthetic value, so it's safe to say that it serves the same purpose in the andi mack universe.

the fringe seems to be nostalgic of a different era, specifically the Y2K/early 2000s period (because it's meant to be bex's territory and symbolic of who she used to be, and its later transformation into cloud 10 is representative of her character arc, but that's beside the point). to be honest, exactly what this store was supposed to be always confused me. it was kind of a combination party store/clothing store/makeup store/beauty parlor? i think that's sort of the point of it though, it's supposed to feel very grunge-y and chaotic (within the confines of a relatively mellow-toned show, of course), and it's supposed to act as a sort of treasure chest of little curios that both make the place interesting and allow the characters to interact with it.

and, of course, there's andi shack. this is really the cherry on top of all of andi mack's sets, just because it's so distinctly andi. it serves such amazing narrative purpose for her (ex. the storyline where cece and ham were going to move - i really loved this because it highlights its place in the andi mack universe so well, and i'm a sucker for the paper cranes shot + i'm still salty that sadie's cranes didn't make it into the finale) and it's the perfect reflection of andi's character development because of how dynamic it is (the crafts and art supplies can get moved around or switched out, and there's always new creations visible).

going back to the nostalgia motif though, the "shack" aspect of it always struck me as very treehouse-like. personally, whenever i think of treehouses, there's this very golden sheen of childhood about it, if that makes sense. i've always seen treehouses in media as a sort of shelter for characters' youthful innocence and idealistic memories. for example, the episode "up a tree" from good luck charlie, the episode "treehouse" from modern family, and "to all the boys 2" all use a treehouse setting as a device to explore the character's desire to hold onto their perfect image of their childhood (side note: this exact theme is actually explored in andi mack in the episode "perfect day 2.0"!). andi shack is no exception to this, but it harnesses this childhood idealism in the same way that it captures the nostalgia of the 50s in the spoon, or the early 2000s in the fringe. it's not some image of a distant past being reflected through that setting; it's very present, and very alive, because it reflects andi as she is in the given moment.

some honorable mentions of more one-off settings include the ferris wheel (from "the snorpion"), the alley art gallery (from "a walker to remember"), SAVA, the color factory (from "it's a dilemna"), and my personal favorite, the cake shop (from "that syncing feeling").

[every time i watch this episode i want to eat those cakes so bad]

these settings have less of a distinctly nostalgic feel (especially the color factory, which is a very late 2010s, instagram era setting), but they all definitely have an aura of perfection about them. andi mack is all about bright, colorful visuals, and these settings really play to that, making the andi mack universe seem really fun and inviting, and frankly very instagrammable (literally so, when it comes to the color factory!).

props, on the other hand, are probably a much less obvious tool of worldbuilding. they definitely take up less space in the frame and are generally not as noticeable (i'm sure i'll have missed a bunch that will be great examples, but i'm kind of coming up with all of this off the top of my head), but they really tie everything together.

for example, bex's box, bex's polaroid, and the old tv at the mack apartment (the tv is usually only visible in the periphery of some shots, so you might not catch it at first glance) all complement that very retro aesthetic established through the settings (especially the polaroid and the tv, because there's really no good reason that the characters would otherwise be using these).

besides this, andi's artistic nature provides the perfect excuse for plenty of colorful, crafty props to amplify the visuals and the tone. obviously, as i discussed before, andi shack is the best example of this because it's filled with interesting props. but you also see bits of andi's (and other people's) crafts popping up throughout the show (ex. the tape on the fridge in the mack apartment, andi's and libby's headbands in "the new girls", walker's shoes, andi's phone case, and of course, the bracelet). not only does doing this really solidify this talent as an essential tenet of andi's character, but it also just makes the entirety of shadyside feel like an extension of andi shack. the whole town is a canvas for her crafts (or art, depending on how you want to look at it. i say it's both), and it immensely adds to shadyside's idealism. because who wouldn't want to live in a world made of andi mack's creations?

and, while it's not exactly a prop, the characters' wardrobe is undoubtedly a major influence on the show's worldbuilding. true to it's nature as a disney channel show, all of the characters are always dressed in exceptionally curated outfits of whatever the current trends are, making the show that much more visually appealing. i won't elaborate too much on this, because i could honestly write a whole other analysis on andi mack's fashion (my favorites are andi's and bex's outfits! and kudos to the costume designer(s) for creating such wonderful and in-character wardrobes!). but, i think it's a really really important aspect of how the show's universe is perceived, so it had to be touched upon.

[^ some of my favorite outfits from the show! i am so obsessed with andi's jacket in the finale, and i aspire to be at bex's level of being a leather jacket bisexual]

and lastly, phones. this is a bit of an interesting case (pun intended), because the way they're used fluctuates a bit throughout the show, but i definitely noticed that at least in the first season terri minsky tried to avoid using them altogether. these efforts at distancing from modern tech really grounds the show in it's idealist, nostalgia-heavy roots, so even when the characters start using their phones more later in the show, they don't alter the viewer's impression of the andi mack universe very much.

so, what does all of this have to do with worldbuilding? in andi mack's case, because it's set in a realistic universe and not a fantasy one, a lot of what sets it apart from the real world comes down to tone. because, as much as this world is based on our own, it really does feel separate from it, like an alternate reality that's just slightly more perfect than ours, which makes all the difference. it's the idealism in color and composition in andi mack's settings that makes it so unmistakably andi mack. even the weather is always sunny and perfect (which is incredibly ironic because the town is called shadyside - yes, i am very proud of that observation).

the andi mack universe resides somewhere in this perfect medium that makes it feel like a small town in the middle of nowhere (almost like hill valley in 1955 from "back to the future"), but at the same time like an enclave within a big city (because of its proximity to so many modern, unique, and honestly very classy looking establishments). it is, essentially, an unattainable dream land that tricks you into believing it is attainable because it's just real enough.

all this to say, andi mack does an amazing job of creating of polished, perfect world for its characters. this is pretty common among disney channel and nickelodeon shows, but because most other shows tend to be filmed in a studio with three-wall sets, andi mack is really set apart from them in that it automatically feels more real and tangible. it has its quintessential recurring locations, but it has far more of them (most disney/nick shows usually only have 3-4 recurring settings), and it has a lot more one-off locations. it's also a lot more considerate when it comes to its props, so rather than the show just looking garish and aggressively trendy, it has a distinctive style that's actually appropriate to the characters and the story. overall this creates the effect of expanding the universe, making shadyside feel like it really is a part of a wider world, rather than an artificial bubble. it's idealism is, first and foremost, grounded in reality, and that provides a basis for its brilliant, creative, and relatable storytelling.

tl;dr: andi mack's sets and props give it a very retro and nostalgic tone which makes its whole universe seem super perfect and i want to live there so bad!!

[avenger-hawk]

Why do you like Kakasasu?

I waited to reply to this because I wanted to be sure it wasn’t a troll and it wasn’t a drama starting attempt (like this or this, gems found in the sasuke/KS tag) since it’s a subject I am very interested in.

I replied to Kakashi/Sasuke related asks, shippy or not shippy, here, here and here. More about them here, here and here. Put yourself comfortable cause this is gonna be long. Not putting it under a readmore cause I remember ppl complaining they coulnd’t open it on mobile phones (?). Also, moralists who are lurking: don’t interact, get out of my blog. Youll be blocked on sight.

When I started reading N*ruto I was into Bleach a lot, and the fact that the characters were a little older and looked older made me not get into Nar that much at first, because they looked like kiddies lol. I didn’t care about Nar as a character and his initial rivalry with Sas was cute but not enough to get me interested. Only when Kakashi got closer to Sasuke I started being veery interested in the story and in the characters. What I found intriguing was that Kakashi was older and an authority figure, but also someone to look up and who helped his students, BUT at the same time he wasn’t exactly a father-like figure or a big brother-like figure, because he had his dark side, that back then wasn’t well flashed out but that nevertheless showed a closed-off person who kept everything inside, not letting others get too close to him.

(then I started liking N*rusasu mostly because there were so many cool doujinshi especially Emi10/Rankai and Engawaken, while KS doujinshi were so meh, kinda in old yaoi style like Loveless, with tiny Sas who looked even younger hahaha, not my thing)

As those who know my blog and/or my writing know already, I am not interested in healthy, cute, positive dynamics in fiction. I might enjoy them, I might be happy when there are such moments, but I can’t like a whole relationship/dynamic/story only like this because I like to explore complicated ones in fiction.Because fiction is very useful for this, it makes you explore dark, taboo things, without affecting reality (no matter what idiots say), it’s cathartic, it’s a way to do, see, experience things without doing anything.

Back to topic tho, I found their initial dynamic very intriguing. A broken, traumatized yet extremely driven Sasuke, acting as confident and strong as he can, but showing his trauma in various occasions, otherwise being mostly aloof, lost in his own thoughts, and a differently broken Kakashi, acting chill but at the same time always ready to act when needed, yet always kinda distracted, aloof, lost in his owh thoughts (and later we’ll know he took Obito’s mannerisms because he was a stickler to rules). The way Kakashi takes a special interest for Sasuke, clearly the most driven, the best of the team, with whom he holds back much less (when he trains them, like when in the beginning, during the bell test, he fights with Sas and seeing that he almost took it, he overpowers him) while he is different with the others (Nar will have Jiraiya later). The way he protects Sasuke during the chuunin exams, while he’s in the hospital and Kabuto is trying to kill him.

Mostly, the controversial moments...like I said I live for these kind of things. where he both protects and threatens him...like when he does that seal to Sasuke, for his curse mark, and he tells him that if that curse mark takes over he’ll kill him. Or when he ties Sasuke up so he won’t join Orochimaru.

Before someone says bs like *you’re not Sas fan if you like that scene* (I know there are many like this and I want all of them out of my blog btw) uh, it’s not how it works guys. You can support a character and still be intrigued by scenes where said character is tied up/in a forcibly submitted position and so on. Guess what, some of those scenes are made for fanservice even (and Sas has many of these, so if you don’t see the appeal/refuse to admit that there is appeal, it’s you who have a problem). So even tho I disagree with Kakashi not wanting to listen to Sasuke’s reasons for revenge (and later supporting SHikamaru’s, I replied to this in one of the asks I linked) I do find that scene interesting...I mean Sasuke tied up in a very suggestive way and yet defying him and threatening to kill his loved ones and Kakashi opening up in a very weird way vaguely replying that he lost those ppl already? It shows a lot about them, their personalities, everything.

I am sticking to part 1 because there are more meaningful interactions between them, I wished there were more in part 2 but kishi shifted Kakashi’s ‘interest’ to Nar, making him one of Nar’s followers...even so, the intractions they had were very interesting. Their fight after Sasuke fights Danzo is one of my fave moments in the whole story tbh, much more than the later confrontation with Nar. Kakashi for the first time has an inner only, yet strong, emotional reaction, having to fight and supposedly kill his former student who became a rogue with a death sentence on his head...he realizes this is how Hiruzen felt against Orochimaru. It’s a strong realization from someone like him who was always so closed off and aloof that he totally lacked empathy.

On the other hand Sasuke is in a different mindset. He’s sort of high for having succeeded in eliminating the one who made Itachi suffer so much, he’s thinking about killing the elders and destroy the village, so he’s basically lost in the recent past of Danzo’s death and in the future plans he’s making, he’s not in the present moment almost...but he has to fight anyway, and it’s a cool fight, also because he’s weakened already and Kakashi is strong...and then he gets blind, totally, and it’s an amazingly intriguing moment, the kind of controversial stuff I’m interested in, because that’s when he could be totally overpowered by Kakashi, if the story didn’t have other priorities (putting Nar in the center of attention with their confrontation).

Their later moments, like during the war, are meh cause the interest shifted already completely, but their moments in jail (anime only ofc) and their Shinden interactions (only through messages) are interesting to me. Very much so, because they show power dynamics very well, with Kakashi as THE authority and Sasuke as the one submitted. In jail it’s even more evident with him looking down at the younger tied up and blindfolded...like, wow. It’s like fanfiction material (in fact I wrote one (ff.net/a03) and there was the coolest fanart inspired by it! here..there were more but this came on my dash today so).

You mentioned power dynamics...their dynamics are all power dynamics because Kakashi was never at Sasuke’s same level and he never acted like he was, and when Sasuke was stronger, during the war, they basically didn’t interact, and when the war was over and Sasuke was brainwashed and tamed into submission the power dynamic remained the same.

The difference imo between them and other power dynamics based pairings is that they are closer than what could be defined rare pairings such as Obito (they had a very interesting one tho, if only it was developed), Madara (the story was already developed in a pro Konoha-anti Uchiha way but it would have been so cool to have the 2 Uchiha interact more), or other older and stronger characters, so the dynamic could be written in a cool way in a fanfiction but in canon Kakashi created it already. So, while I can imagine something like Shisui/Sasuke, Obisasu or more, in my head, and I can come up with some AU or canon divergent/canon behind the screen (like when Sas stayed with Obito after the transplant), Kakashi and Sasuke had canon interactions that showed power dynamics already.

(Then there is Itasasu, which is a huge power dynamic based relationship, that also had amazingly strong feelings though, and those who know me know that for me Itachi will always be Sasuke’s most loved person, and that he was the same for Itachi. So ofc imo IS is a much stronger bond compared to KS but still. Also I remember in the beginning how many fics I read where Itachi was abusive to Sas and Kakashi stepped in lol. And it’s not a mystery that even though I think the IS bond is the strongest I find other pairings and character dynamics very interesting, so much that I like to explore them even more than IS, which, imo, is almost a given fact so I don’t always feel the need to explore it)

Another thing I find intriguing is that Kakashi always saw Sas at his ‘worst’...in Konoha’s terms I mean. When he wanted revenge in pt 1, after he killed Danzo and he was weak and so desperate and hysterical that they thought he got crazy, when he was jailed. It’s a big power he has, to be able to see someone like this.

Tbh it’s a pity that there were no post war moments (B*ruto shit doesn’t count) where they interact ‘normally’ cause I would have liked to see them, both as normal interactions where they get closer again, now that Sas is older, where they train and they get physical (and Kakashi has a lot of repressed anger, jealousy and possessiveness to let out on the one who betrayed his sensei and went to another...not my opinion but it could be Kakashi’s pov) because I think power dynamic would come up a lot, even from apparently cute moments.

I’ll end this super long essay hoping that you didn’t fall asleep lol, and adding that Kakasasu was the first Nar pairing I shipped, which it speaks a lot about why I get so irritated when someone mentions it negatively.

[trentsleatherboots]

Carach Angren, interview translation Dutch > English

Published in the magazine Rock Tribune, edition June 2020, nr. 192.

Text by Morbid Geert. Fotos: Stefan Heileman.

WILL THE REAL FRANKENSTEIN STAND UP NOW?

At the end of last year you could already read about how we kept close watch on Carach Angren. Back when they were still heavy in the production process, on Halloween Day we went over to Ardeks homebase and studio to see the first glimpse of their new work and later Rock Tribune got invited to listen to the album in Germany. Now it's almost time for 'Franckensteina Strataemontanus' to be shown to the world and that's why we wanted to take an even deeper look. Weaponed with an oil lamp and shovel we went onwards towards the graveyard to uncover the soul stirrings of Ardek. (Text: Morbid Geert)

---

Ardek, the last time I talked to you the songs were still in a very early stage and what we heard was more of a pre production. Did you tinker more afterwards to come to an end result or did you purposely keep your hands off to avoid overproduction?

"In terms of song structures and lyrics not much changed on the premature songs that you heard. What followed however was another production-finish, where especially the mix and mastering made a big change. That last stadia really lifted it all to another plane and you can really hear that."

A FRESH LOOK.

As far as I knew, Patrick Damiani was still fully onboard working on the songs at Tidal Wave Studio in Germany. How important was it for you to pull an extra producer into the process? After all, you are very much at home with that as well? Or maybe not as much as you'd like?

"Back then he worked on drumediting and played the basslines, but his role is way bigger than that. We've worked together a lot and now we're doing something for L'Âme Immortelle, where we vibe together perfectly and know exactly how to handle such a project.  When he takes on production for Carach Angren however, I notice how much better he controls it. He has so much knowledge about drum sounds, mixing,... and he's really specialised in it. It is nice to add that knowledge, it brings a lot of added value. These days a lot of bands record at home and that all makes it a lot cheaper, but a good producer brings a lot of experience and equipment, it ends up with a whole different result. Besides, we left the mix and mastering to Robert Carranza."

That last one is a pretty big name, who among others worked with Marilyn Manson. I can imagine that has a big impact on your budget, but was it worth it?

"I think so. When I listened to 'Killing Strangers' by Marilyn Manson on headphones and heard the bassline, it went so deep that it turned me upside down. Apparently Robert Carranza mixed that album.  Furthermore he does a lot of different things such as make latin music and win grammy's, but in the extreme metal scene he is totally unknown.  However, he wanted to help himself to our record and yes, the price was steep, but I managed to convince both the band and the label… even though that wasn't without some doubts, since all eyes were on me for a bit. I had a good feeling about it and shared it, with the result being having a record now that doesn't sound like the others.  He had a fresh look on our work and thus we could avoid the recognisability of the average metal producer.  There are too many records that when you hear them you know exactly who had their hands on them and in which studio they were recorded.  Contrary to what you might think, there was constant contact with him (Robert) and a lot of talking about how we wanted it to sound. In particular the clarity of the sound is massive and gives it a bit more of a cinematic effect. There was no compression applied where everything sounds constantly loud and where as a listener you'd get easily tired, but the dynamics were preserved."

DIDN'T FEEL LIKE IT ANYMORE.

To refer back to Patrick Damiani: if he does so much and even plays the basslines, do you see him as sort of a 4th band member or is that just a bit too much credit?

"That's not how we see him. He's an amazing producer and musician, who gives us his opinion and helps us out. On the other hand he is not part of the creative process and he isn't on stage with us… but it is a relationship that's been going on for 12 years and something we get a lot out of."

Now I'm saying '4th band member', but after the recordings of your new record ended, your brother and drummer Namtar left the band. Can I ask what happened and if you saw this coming, or whether it was a bolt from the blue?

“In November he recorded his drum tracks and back then everything went fine, but then there came an offer to play at '70000TONS OF METAL'. Since we always looked at the financial side of the band together, we talked about the offer and he was immediately against it.  I thought that was strange and to me it seemed better to sit around the table with three to talk about it. Then it became apparent that he'd been wrestling with it for sometime and in brief didn't feel like it anymore.  We offered him to take a break of a few months instead of just throwing away what we've worked for the last 20 years, but that wasn't a solution.  It wasn't an easy decision, but afterwards we saw it had been an issue for a long time and at that point you rather put a stop to it.  That hit us hard, but you can never force somebody to stay in a band.  To keep our motivation high we played '70000TONS OF METAL' after all with Michiel van der Plicht of God Dethroned as replacement. That pleased us all and he's willing to help us out in the future."

Michiel van der Plicht in indeed an amazing drummer. Are there any plans to keep him in the band permanently or is this an emergency solution and is there an offer still standing?

"I discussed that extensively with Seregor, but together the two of us stay the core of the band. We already have an extra guitarist live and in the studio we will definitely have those people join again, but all decisions will be made by us two in the end.  We want to avoid that other people leave a mark on the band, causing us to lose our individuality (personality). It's about so much more than just making music: the stage decor, our own stage outfits,... for us it is very clear and it's going well, so we only need help to fill in with the music in the studio and during lives."

MILKED OUT?

Let's get to the core of business. At the end of this month is the release of your 6th album, 'Franckensteina Strataemontanus'. Now lends the Frankenstein story itself perfectly for a horror metal band, but I wondered if the story isn't too milked out by other bands… unless you do it with a completely new vision. After all, that's what you did with 'This Is No Fairytale', where Hans and Gretel were transported to the now and the horror became bigger than ever. 

"When we started, I had the same feelings about the Frankenstein story, but there's a twist to it. Everything started for me as a dream, where I flew through an old house. There, I heard dissonant piano tunes and I got sucked into a room where a portrait of an old man hung on the wall. Later I made a drawing of that portrait and it got stuck in my head. When I began doing research for the album months later and even read Mary Shelley's amazing book 'Frankenstein', I found out that there is a theory that when she wrote her book she was influenced by Johann Konrad Dippel, an 18th century alchemist.  Then when I looked him up, he turned out to look like what I had seen in my dream, which personally motivated me to dig deeper. Dippel is an unknown figure for the masses and that's why it seemed fascinating to us to do something with it.  There is fiction and truth mixed in our story. By the way, Dippel lived in Frankenstein Castle near Darmstadt, where he was looking for the elixir to eternal life. He was also a theologist, but he clashed with the church and was therefore cast away. Because he also did experiments on cadavers and sought life extending resources, he would've inspired Mary Shelley for her story. What we did was make a concept around the source of her story instead of following the clichés.  That monster with screws in his head, we've seen it already before…"

Yet it doesn't seem like a concept album, because I notice that you address very diverse subjects.

"It is definitely a concept, since all stories are connected to one another, even if it's not noticeable. 'Operation Compass' is about the North-African desert war between the Brits and Italians. In official documents the Brits were ordered that if there were to be a fallback, to make all sources unusable for the enemy with 'Dippel's oil' (a nasty substance that made water undrinkable but did not poison it, so it was in battle with the Geneva protocols).  In our story it leads to a demonic outburst that went towards the soldiers. So you see, Dippel comes back throughout different moments in history. 'Der Vampir von Nürnberg' is about a real figure that is still alive. He committed necrophilia, killed people and drank their blood, … but is now at large. In our story he lost his ways after reading Dippel's books, which once again links it with the core story. 'Here In German Woodland.', the opening song, is about a boy that gets lost and dies in the forest surrounding Darmstadt, but later comes back and eats his parents. In the closing song 'Like A Conscious Parasite I Roam' it all comes full circle: Dippels life elixir only works for his soul, and his body rots away, so he searches for a guest body and his spirit creeps into that little boy." 

In a few songs, some German lyrics show up. Is that besides the concept also because of the grim sound of the language or is it simply because you live so close to Germany and it has a certain impact? 

"The subject lends itself to it of course and Seregor speaks German very well, which made things easier. And yes, the sound does play a certain role. 'Der Vampir von Nürnberg' sounds way better than the English translation, it immediately sets the right tone."

Some of these stories are the result of reality, but are often at least as gruesome as many fantasy stories: such is the bonus song 'Frederick's Experiments' about the sick science experiments of emperor Frederick II, a man who apparently was not inferior to the Nazi doctors?

"Yes, you can say that he set a good example! Seregor came with the idea and somewhere the story did fit within the total picture, even though we couldn't fit it into the big story. Our label Season Of Mist however asked for a bonus track and that's how we managed to include the song after all."

CROSS-POLLINATION.

What I noticed with the first sneak preview, but what has become clear now, is that Carach Angren this time worked very innovative musically.  Watch out, it is immediately clear that it is from Carach Angren, since you already have your own sound, but at the same time there are noticable things we haven't heard from you before. The title track has a considerable industrial touch and we also hear something from Laibach in it, just like 'Monster'. Is that something you've only recently been getting into or have you maybe secretly been an industrial fan for years?

"It is more recent, even though I've always been appreciative of it. By also collaborating with Till Lindemann for his project Lindemann, I also came into contact with it more and started taking it up unconsciously. Afterwards I got to experiment with it for my solo project and that's how I came up with the song 'Monster'. Seregor tested some things out for singing for that song and it just made sense.  It was very cool to experiment like that, which you should when you're making a record based on Frankenstein…"

It became a musical experiment instead of scientific experiment, but you do create a parallel, yes.

"Inside Carach Angren we like to put a lot of variety in the songs and if you can also give that a different look, then that is something you should try. We ourselves are absolutely crazy about it! Some fans will have to swallow when they hear those songs, but for them there are plenty of old school songs on it."

To come back to Lindemann: he and Peter Tägtgren got you involved since you are so good with classical orchestras and arrangements, but in the end it seems to have become two-way traffic, doesn't it? Have you learned a lot from it and developed other visions? 

"We worked together in a very awesome way and you do learn a lot from that. You grow as a componist, as musician and as producer. It made me compose more compactly and I sometimes pursue slightly less complex songs, like the two more industrial based songs. Always great to be able to take a different approach."

Both those songs have an easier buildup, but in the other songs you go back to the complexity that you left out purposefully 'Dance And Laugh Amongst The Rotten'. Is it a way to generate more contrast?

"In some ways yes, but it depends on how it works out in a song. We tried to make the title track a bit longer, but then the effect fell away and it didn't feel right anymore. But strangely enough I write a complex song like 'Der Vampir von Nürnberg' easier than a less complex piece like 'Monster'.  With less arrangements it quickly becomes hard to keep it exciting(engaging), but seeing as you want to keep the concept to level, you need to have enough variation. The industrial songs sound a bit less complex, but there is a lot happening in the background and they are full of tiny details that make the difference."

MIXING COLOURS.

With the new approach you have opened some doors to maybe do more experimenting in the future. Is that actually your goal or is there nothing reasoned behind it and do such new influences pop up sooner when they seem to be able to improve the song?

"It all almost comes down to what the concept of the album requires. Back when we wrote 'Death Came Through A Phantom Ship' we added swirling waves and custom/adapted sounds to it. With the new record the 'marching' of the pulsing industrial beat seemed to work the best with our Frankenstein theme. You have to see it like a painter who is mixing colours to make a new colour to fit his vision. We don't do any different and we would love to experiment more in the future. If we see what we've already tried with singing now … in the long run we were completely out of control trying to do crazy things."

The singing is indeed a very remarkable part of 'Franckensteina Strataemontanus'. We always thought Seregor had a good black metal voice, but we were very impressed by the way he twisted his voice this time around and helped set the mood.

"We are very happy about that ourselves. He delivered an excellent job and we really pushed everything to get to that point. We actually took several weeks to make sure my home studio was in perfect condition and sometimes Seregor had to redo a certain part up to 10 times to get the result we wanted, but he did it without struggling. A lot of singers that ask so much from their vocal chords are dead on their feet after an hour, but then there is Seregor who gets through the day without complaining, even while screaming his lungs out.  While recording 'Operation Compass' we did however find out it is better to record a deep grunt in the early morning, since your voice is still a bit slow and heavier from sleep.”

MUSIC AS A BOOST.

The whole corona crisis made it so that as a band it is way more difficult to promote an album now, since all concerts got cancelled. Did that have a big impact on Carach Angren or can you make it?

"I myself am very concerned with the people who are really affected by the disease and that is why I can partially ignore the inconveniences for ourselves. Nevertheless, it has a serious effect on the music industry, although that is secondary to me. We are dealing with a pandemic, people are dying and we all have to work to keep everything under control. In addition, it is strange to release an album in a full crisis, but we decided to go for it anyway. It's a cool record and we already started the promotion, so we just keep going. For now, tours are not planned, but that does not mean that we will now stream all kinds of performances to attract attention. We are not that type of band… what is a shame is that our plans for a very cool video clip are now also being abandoned. We had to go to Germany and there are also the social distancing rules, which make such a recording impossible.  But should we really want that and turn it into drama? Of course it sucks to have to promote the release like this, but the whole world is just not what it was a few months ago."

Do you have any alternative ideas to bridge that gap? I know that you guys always have enough visual ideas and there already is a lyric video for 'Monster', but I can imagine that there is more to come.

"We are working on that yes, because last month we made one for 'Der Vampir von Nürnberg' and next month we might take another song in hand. We will keep doing those sorts of things together with some 'making of-' videos that we recorded in the studio, that way we can give the album some extra promotion.  Nothing for us to worry about so… by the way, there is something about releasing a record in times like these. The people have been stuck at home for months and have nothing to do, so if we can give them a new piece of music to listen to to get through the day, then that is awesome too. It would be disappointing for the fans if we just put our new work on the shelf because of this pandemic. Every band should do what they think is best, but we had already started our press campaign anyway and we would also be a lot less driven if we only had to arrive 'with old stuff' within six months or later."

Carach Angren already has a few beautiful video clips which are build up with a real story and don't only have something musical to offer. In addition, there are also the lyric videos, where certainly those for the complete album 'This Is No Fairytale' with comic images by Costin Chioreanu stand out from the crowd. Have you never thought of bundling everything on a DVD?

"We've honestly never thought about that, but that's actually a really great idea! I think it would be nice to bundle everything together and that way we immediately remove some (away) from youtube. That can always be a good idea for the future."

LEARNING SCHOOL.

As songwriter of Carach Angren you may have previously absorbed a lot of influences that shaped you into the musician and songwriter you are today. Can you list the five most essential records or artists that shaped you personally and what exactly were their interests?

"That is a good question that doesn't let itself be answered very easily. In the classical field and orchestras I think Tchaikovsky and Stravinski are very important. They both had a lot of influence on me as a componist. Another important inspiration to me in that respect is John Williams (modern componist famous for his film scores for Star Wars, Jaws, Jurassic Park..) They helped shape me even more when it comes to layered composing, although I don't come close to what they do. As a child I followed keyboard lessons for 8 years, I did a year of conservatory and studied a year of music and media, as well as cinematic orchestration. Those last two were online, but on a serious level and you really had to write pieces for an orchestra. I learned a lot there, but ever since then I kept learning by actually doing it myself, looking through books and analyzing musical pieces.  But if I hadn't gotten the theoretical basis I had as a child, I would've never been able to do this today. On production level I have to mention Nine Inch Nails and, something you'd might find strange, Michael Jackson! If you see how well their albums are produced, and how many layers are incorporated, it's amazingly well done! You can say about Michael Jackson's music what you want, but the way the songs are built up and how much dynamics are in there thanks to the arrangements by Quincy Jones, it is absolutely astounding.  There is no lack of bells and whistles and sometimes, for example, the snare drum comes in in four layers, something you don't hear so loudly even in extreme metal. I mainly listen to those albums as an audiophile to analyze them and see what I can get out of it as a producer. Last week I checked the solo record of Roger Waters, in which I heard effects that seemed to be situated outside the loudspeaker field. Then I want to know how that is done and whether I can integrate it with Carach Angren. That kind of thing is the reverse of the compression they use too often today and you wonder why we don't all go in that direction anymore."

---

Translated by Jeordie/Trentsfishnets.

(For the record, if this interview already exists in English, I will just see this as translating practice C:)

[thechangeling]

I was reading your co-signing the narrative post- great post btw- and your thoughts on Kit Lightwood helped me figure out exactly what bothers me about the way other characters talk about and treat him.

So, there’s this kind of this running “joke” in TLH that Christopher’s interests are boring, that everyone else puts up with it him as though it’s this big nuisance, that everyone zones out hearing him talk… and on and on and on.*** And then there’s this scene where Grace is genuinely interested or at least not bringing him down about his self-expression and the things that bring him joy, and that’s romanticized as special when it’s really kind of the bare fuckin minimum. Like, I’m not saying James/Matthew/Thomas had to immerse themselves completely in every sciency detail but the constant “jokes” implying that Christopher’s work is boring or incomprehensible or not worth their time is just so tiring. There’s always an undercurrent of “Christopher’s just playing around uselessly” (which is not true and even when he’s having fun with his work then it’s still automatically WORTHY and VALUABLE because it makes him happy!) Not to mention this recurring problem directly contradicts the value that Christopher’s work has (beyond its inherent value) when he sends it into the world to literally save lives: the poison antidote, the fire messages that will probably come about in CoT.

And the thing is, the merry thieves’ disinterest is directly meant to foil grace’s interest in order to lend the Grace/Kit relationship a certain significance, as CC assigns to it. I’m not saying shared excitement over an interest/hobby/career/field/etc isn’t sweet platonically or romantically. I just really dislike how the idea CC is using is “no one else can bear to tolerate Kit’s ‘quirks’ but Grace, and that is Endearing, and so they are Soulmates (TM)” rather than the much healthier and positive idea that “Kit does cool sciencey stuff which his family and friends generally don’t share as strong a passion for but still don’t huff about it like it’s somehow a chore or a burden on them, and then Grace comes along and she does happen to share a similar passion and that’s the beginning of their ties to one another.” That second reasoning is what could make their friendship really refreshing; we don’t need ableism poorly twined into romance to enjoy that relationship.

I haven’t read TDA in a while but I’m thinking we could also find touches of this with Ty partly because so much of when we see him is from Kit’s POV? Not that Kit means harm or thinks himself heroic but CC on the other hand is a repeat offender in “abled/white/straight/cis character is ultimately and completely responsible for the salvation of disabled/POC/queer character in this aspect.” And I’m kind of half dreading the wicked powers for that reason among others …

I apologize if all this seems obvious or rambly. I do sometimes have trouble articulating things exactly but when I read your post i had a lightbulb moment and I wanted to note it down.

Have a great day!

***Side Note: this is why I really enjoy fan-created content that explores Christopher’s relationships with people (even people he didn’t interact with on-page in the canon) without that annoying and problematic aspect built into the framework of the relationship.

^^^^^^^^^THIS ALL OF THIS!!!!!!

Full disclosure this is gonna be kind of long sorry. But you have stumbled across my favourite topic to rant about. Allistic saviorism. Basically the name is pretty self explanatory. It's when an allistic person fictional or otherwise has the desire to or actively attempts to essentially "save" the autistic person from the horrors of the world or their life, or even themselves because they think that the autistic person isn't strong or capable enough to fix/handle it on their own. All of this is usually done for very self serving reasons. Part of this is also allistic people being praised as heroes for being nice to autistic people or asking them out, or loving them.

I don't neccesarily think that kitty is an allistic savior ship on it's own. I think that there are definitely peices of those beliefs scattered throughout the books and it might get worse in TWP. That's honestly something that I'm worried about too tbh. But honestly I think that the fandom made it a billion times worse.

This mainly allistic fandom wanted to romanticize the idea of Kit taking care of Ty and shouldering the burden of his "unpredictability." Kit is the only one who can get through to Ty. The only one who understands the mystery that is Ty 🙄. Some of this is canon too. For example, Ty can look Kit in the eye, he lets him touch him. He doesn't wear the headphones when Kit's around right? And Kit was able to calm him down during his meltdown.

And while some of this is really cute from a romantic perspective, it's also kinda problematic because it reeks of allistic saviorism. It promotes the idea that Kit is like Ty's "cure." And that's just impossible.

And honestly I know I've contributed to this in some ways. Because if I'm being perfectly honest with you, there's a part of me that enjoys that. The romantization of autism.

The idea of being taken care of.

The idea that someone could love an autistic person and see them as "beautiful" and "extraordinary" and all the things Kit calls Ty, was incredibly moving and appealing to me as a kid. It still is. Because I grew up on stories of charity cases and allistic saviorism making headlines with prom dates. I was super secretive about it, but I was always a romantic growing up. But I thought that it was impossible for me to have a real love story because people like me don't get that. (Not to get all sob story on you sorry. I overshare. It's an autistic thing.)

And there are some really compelling things about kitty that really do work. And I'm not trying to suggest that Kit learning to help Ty with the ...shall we say more colourful traits of his disability is a bad thing always. It's not. But I think the issue is with Ty's lack of pov and Ty's lack of a narrative in the books. It makes him seem like less of a completely developed character and more like, "Kit's" you know?

And because we don't have Ty's pov we don't really get what makes Kit have this sort of calming effect on him or why it's different. And more importantly we don't get why Ty's letting him in, we only get Kit pushing past his boundries. The entire thing becomes about Kit essentially and that's at the root of all allistic saviorism.

Also like you mentioned before, Kit is seen as special to a certain extent because he can handle Ty. That's not neccesarily something the character believes obviously, but again with CC co-signing the damn narrative with the way she makes the impact Kit has on Ty such a big deal in everyone's eyes and in QOAAD she really emphasizes the drain Ty's necromancy plan is taking on Kit, suddenly Ty's grief becomes all about Kit and with no pov from Ty, it's more allistic savior bs.

Honestly most of this isnt actually THAT bad it's just when you throw it all together and look at the ugly history and let's be honest present, of autistic people being silenced and spoken over by our caregivers and loved ones and we are treated like burdens on them, and how those people are praised for loving us, it kinda looks bad. But the fandom definitely made it worse.

I always get criticized for criticizing kitty by allistic people with, " well if you think they're so toxic then why do you even ship them?" Which is a piss poor take lacking in any nuance. An autistic person has the right to critique a dynamic involving an autistic character. More to the point, you can love something and be critical of it. I swear when this fandom finally figures that one out... we could accomplish so much.

I'm really hoping this is making sense it's like 2 in the morning. As for Grace and Christopher's dynamic I agree with you. I basically have nothing to add. Bare minimum. Should not be idolized. The way the others treat him should not just be brushed off as no big deal. It's ableism.

Basically it's just a bunch of classic mistakes that come from a neurotypical abled writer writing nd characters. Some mistakes are more damning then others. But it does make me scared for TWP.

I can only hope.

[rosezure]

Todoroki Family - My Opinion

MANGA SPOILERS FOR BNHA/MHA ahead!

CW: parental neglect and abuse, anxiety, therapy, Touya Todoroki/Dabi, Enji Todoroki/Endeavor, spoilers, swearing (please remind me if I forgot anything).

Disclaimer: All of the information on the Todoroki family dynamics is based on my interpretation of what’s been (so far) revealed through the anime and manga. These are all just opinions, you are free to agree or disagree respectfully. I do not wish to invalidate anyone’s opinion. Family dynamics have always been a very sensitive and triggering subject to me, so I hope that you respect that if you wish to discuss this with me.I would like to give my own two cents on the Todoroki family situation. As someone that has dealt with abuse and neglect in a (slightly) similar way my whole life, this story hits very close to home. I will try to be as thorough and objective as possible. But, feel free to call me out (respectfully) if there is anything ambiguous or if problematic. Thank you.

I am going to focus on Touya/Dabi and Enji’s story. I do not know enough to talk about Rei’s role in all of this, so I will not mention her. But, I might update this as new chapters come out.

I will talk about Dabi’s early years by referring to him as Touya since that was his identity at the time. Any comments about him as an adult will be referring to him as Dabi.

I was a psychology student for about two years, and when we learned about child development, here is what I gathered:

When you are a child, all you want is to be loved, to be safe. This is essential to a child, as it is what develops them into a healthy and independent adult. And, this is especially important concerning parents or guardians. Effective parenting practices ensure that the child will have a better chance at developing according to their age and needs. This will grant the kids skills that they will use and perfect as they grow up. In other words, children that are well-taken care of have a higher chance of being strong, healthy, and emotionally developed adults.

When a parent or guardian is ignorant of how they can impact their child’s growth, it has many negative effects. In Touya’s case, Enji Todoroki was clueless. This does not mean Enji should not be held responsible just because he was ignorant. Enji knew he was not being the best parent, but he did not know how exactly. And, at the time he was blinded by his greed and ambition, so he would not have been paying attention to that. Even so, (personally) I do not think parents are afforded the luxury of ignoring their bad parenting if they are made aware of it. They are responsible for another human’s life and growth. They should be held accountable if the child develops issues and hurts themselves or even others.

With that being said, Enji Todoroki was a horrible but clueless parent. From what I have understood from the manga and the anime, at first, he had no idea why Shoto was so "rebellious" (in his opinion). He also seemed to not understand Natsuo and Fuyumi. So I am led to believe that he was, at the time, oblivious to how much he negatively impacted Touya. 

Touya just wanted his father’s affection. If that meant grueling training and preparing to become a hero to defeat All Might, then so be it. It was the attention and affection he knew. He was not led to believe otherwise. Touya's sole positive interactions came from him showing he could fulfill his father’s sick dream. In a child’s mind, that was the only way to secure parental love and approval: To train as hard as possible and become what his father so desperately wished for.

Then his hair started turning white. He started getting injured because of his quirk. His only source of positive attention, his only hope for affection, was killing him. And it had to be stopped. I am sure in Touya’s mind, this meant he would not be loved anymore. 

And then Enji stopped training him. Natsuo was born. Shoto was born. And Touya felt that his source of love was directed to that baby. The baby that Enji saw as a success. Enji made Touya feel like a failure, a broken toy. And he was being replaced by a newer, shinier one: His brother.

When he tries to attack Shoto, he is trying to take back his place. Touya was trying to gain back his father’s love and attention.

Enji wanted to prevent Touya from hurting himself more. But he failed to communicate that. Instead, his words made it seem like his plan was foiled. Touya wasn’t enough, so Enji’s chance of using him to end All Might vanished. Touya wasn’t what Enji needed anymore.

Touya’s world didn’t collapse all at once. It didn’t even crack all at once. From what I understood, it was a collection of hairline fractures that never healed. It was a dislocated shoulder that was never put back in its place and was left to hang. It was a pounding headache that only grew more and more painful over time. 

When Dabi was born, Touya had been buried in bruises, paper cuts, minor broken bones, chronic illnesses. Touya was killed by exhaustion and pain. He didn’t die at one point, he was dying all along. 

As someone who suffers from chronic issues, I know that the somatization of symptoms and other sources of pain can turn a simple illness into something much more serious. Think of it as a butterfly effect, but all inside one person: Every single negative experience, from both outer and inner sources, all summed and turned into one massive festering wound. 

Touya’s mind was a living open wound, it seems.

So Dabi was born. To seal the wound shut. Clean it? No. Protect it? Maybe.

But this particular type of wound (the psychological, emotional one) if left untreated can become infected. And infected wounds are harder and more painful to clean and treat. 

Dabi’s mind is a bandaid over an infected wound. It seems objectively okay, maybe even sane. But he’s clearly in pain. He’s not in his right mind. His decisions all stem from the pure rage and anger of a child that was abandoned. 

What chapter 300 brought was the perspective of a child that just wanted to be loved. That's all he wanted. And the only love he knew was when Enji Todoroki trained with him, no matter how gruesome and painful it must've been.

I'm gonna briefly and superficially compare his situation to mine. Of course, I didn’t suffer half of the pain he did, and I won't go into any detail as to not trigger myself. But, I only got attention when I was either extremely sick or I was needed as a trophy child of some sort. Even then, if I was ill, the attention I got was so I could get well soon and go back to being "useful". I was an extension of them, at best. But I still craved their attention. I still do in a way to this very day. It's not something that just goes away once you realize how toxic and abusive it is.

No matter how much pain I’m in, no matter how love-starved I am, I still want their approval. Inside me, there’s still a scared child, crying out for her parents to love her. That child is now my responsibility. I have to give her love, nurture her so she can grow with me.

Does that make sense?

I have no idea how Dabi is feeling. And I don’t think we’ll ever truly know. He is fictional, after all, and there’s no telling if Horikoshi will be delving into that.

But maybe Touya is still inside Dabi, crying, screaming to be loved. And Dabi is trying his best to tend to that child, but he never truly grew up to know how to take care of another being. Dabi doesn’t know how to take care of himself emotionally. 

I’m learning because I, thankfully, have access to therapy. But it hurts. It hurts to realize the ones that were meant to take care of you, didn’t. It hurts to look into yourself and see a shaking, teary-eyed child begging for crumbs of love.

Now, with the whole "redemption" thing being debated, here's my own personal opinion. You don't have to agree, and I'm not asking you to. Again, this is just how I view it. As a survivor, I'd be relieved to see my parents try. The damage is done, true. I'll never regain my childhood. I'll never have what people with different, better, parents have. The past can't be reversed. And I'm seeing it repeat itself with my little brother. But, if there's a minimal chance that my parents can own up to what they did, that they open themselves up to changing their behavior and learning, then maybe we can build something new.

Build. Not rebuild. The foundation of our past relationship was rotten from the beginning. A new one must be built. A new foundation must be developed if we ever hope to make something of our relationship.

If the Todorokis, really want to reconcile, reconnect, rebuild, then they must start from scratch. If Enji Todoroki wants that, he’s gonna have to start from zero, from nothing. And I'm not entirely sure if Endeavor is doing that, but he is trying, somehow. We don't know for sure if he even has the emotional skills to do so. We can't say for sure that he's got what it takes to man up, own up and learn. But, he seems to be trying.

And that's something I've accepted I'll never have.

So if there's at least a 1% chance that he is truly trying, that Enji wants to redeem himself, then let him. Let their family try and heal together if that's what they want.

I'm not sure about the Japanese culture when it comes to family. But where I come from, a family is an important base of our personal and social development, to the point that reconciliation more often than not is the best route.

Still, I know it's not for everyone. So I respect you if you believe he doesn't deserve a chance. I understand if you say Enji Todoroki should be kept far away from his family. You're right, and you're valid.

But, please, please, if the author decides that he redeems himself and does try his best to start a new relationship with his family, let him. Let them heal. Together. Let them try and make up for the lost time in the best way in the present. Let them rebuild.

I know I'd give anything to rebuild my family.

Let Touya be healed and put Dabi to rest. Touya needs to be loved, he needs to be taken care of like he never was as a child. Dabi needs to be told he tried. He needs to be told he did what he could. 

But Dabi is also an adult now. He’s got legal responsibilities. The pain and devastation he’s caused and helped cause can’t be overlooked. He needs help, but he also had to be held accountable. 

Touya/Dabi needs to face himself and start over. He needs to face the man he’s become and at the same time take care of the child he wasn’t able to be. 

If the Todoroki family is reconciled, I dearly hope he gets to be a part of this new book. Not a new chapter, they need to throw that whole book away and start a new one. And, if possible, I’d love to see someone like me get the ending I won’t be getting. 

I hope this made some sense at least. Again, if anything is unclear, ambiguous, or problematic, let me know and I’ll do my best to correct or remove the bad parts. If you’ve read this far, thank you. If you share a similar experience, I’m sorry, and I’m here for you. 

[galadrieljones]

The Walking Dead: Episode 4.12, “Still” Rewatch

So I rewatched “Still” in honor of the Stilliversary tonight. My thoughts are not related much to Team Delusional stuff, more so just thoughts and idle analysis, but I had fun and definitely did not cry.

Here we go!

Beth is already feeling it, right away, after the trunk scene, ie: what he must think of her. She’s just another “dead girl” who needs to be protected. It is both insulting and embarrassing at the same time.

Daryl misses that squirrel and breaks an arrow! Dammit, Daryl. This is just another trial, but it’s interesting in how we see Daryl in like rote provider mode, and yet he makes a mistake.

The suck-ass camp begins with some Garden of Eden imagery: While Daryl skins and cooks the snake, Beth is admiring the beauty of a ladybug crawling on a leaf. The music is actually full of wonder. Beth sees the beauty in the natural world while Daryl sees it only for what he can use. It is an essential masculine vs. feminine moment, in terms of their individual themes, and what propels them and their actions. Their masculine and feminine energies will be subverted later though, and well-complicated, because the writing is good.

Beth brings up Hershel’s death early: “He’s not exactly around anymore so...” She wants to have a drink, maybe to rebel against her father, maybe to honor his memory, maybe to seal her own fate. It is a complicated choice for Beth. It’s not just some “dumb college bitch” moment. She knows this, but how is she supposed to communicate it to Daryl?

Daryl is like an animal eating that snake while Beth tries to talk to him. Literally, out of body. I imagine being her and just like, Ugh. Gross, dude. Then, when she leaves, Beth totally expects him to come after her. When she doesn’t see him right away, she mutters, “Jerk.” She called him a jerk in season 3, too, after he takes off with Merle. I think Beth is used to being treated nicely by boys. Ofc, Daryl, while he may not be an overt gentleman in his scarfing of that disgusting snake, was there watching her the whole time. 

“You wanna spend the rest of our lives staring into a fire and eating mud snakes? Screw that. We might as well do something.”

I sort of missed this before, the mention of “the rest of our lives.” It is a small acknowledgement that they are now “stuck together.” Ofc, Beth’s idea is to “make the most of it,” to go out into and DO something! Embrace the future! Daryl sees only the here, the now, and the past. He would prefer to stay still.

Unrelated but: God, Daryl is peak hot in this episode. 

Anyway, so, the state of Pine Vista, and what happened there. Jfc. It’s very ugly and very sad. The Dogtrot seems a reference to a dogtrot house, which is an old Appalachian style home. Basically like two shacks connected via a breezeway. I see some sort of backcountry types having moved in here and tortured the rich folk. There is evidence that “fun” was had. “Rich bitch,” etc. Maybe it’s the same psychopaths who tormented the OG Terminus crew, ultimately turning them into crazy cannibals.

Beth finds the Washington D.C. spoon. Why?? It’s such an odd, pointed shot, with a slow zoom. Is that where we’ll find her? Does anybody else know anything about this?? Anyway maybe this is a TD post lol.

Beth finds that bottle of wine and it’s a shame she has to break it! I remember feeling so bad about that the first time I watched this episode. Like NO BETH YOUR BOOZE!! She uses it to stab the shit out of that walker though, and to defend herself. She’s kind of pissed at Daryl for not helping her, again used to only the kindest of attention from boys. But Daryl isn’t like other boys (lol). He was there the whole time, once again, but he let it play out, because he knew she could do it. I like that her first (almost) drink here sort of has to become a weapon instead. Nothing is ever easy! And sometimes, the environment IS best observed, not in terms of its beauty or promise, but in terms of how its use can best be served to survive.

Tempus Fugit - Time flies! Oh, yes. Yes it does lol.

Daryl and Beth both need to escape their old selves here. Beth with her pretty cloths and Daryl stealing the cash and the jewels. They need to shake that shit off. Burn it all down, if you will. I think this episode we mostly associate with Daryl changing and having his epiphany, but Beth changes, too. She is just quieter at it.

It is 3 o’clock! The grandfather clock is this interesting motif that puts pressure on the situation literally while also bringing the symbolic pressure of time passing, running out, etc. It makes us feel detached from reality, like this is a purgatory episode. I like when The Walking Dead does this, like when they take us to a new place in which we become critically aware that this thing we’re watching is fiction, and by the rules of fiction, anything (ANYTHING) can happen.

“I know you think this is stupid, and it probably is, but I don’t care.” She just is who she is. She doesn’t give a shit what he thinks. I think that attracts Daryl to her in this moment and emboldens him. I think Daryl actually really cares what other people think of him, that he is keenly self-aware in this way. We see this fear manifest as Merle in Chupacabra, ie: that the rest of the group thinks he’s a “freak,” a piece of “redneck trash,” and that they’re all “laughing behind [his] back.” Meanwhile, Beth is just like, “You probably think I’m just some dumb bitch. But guess what, Daryl? I DON’T CARE.”

Beth sitting at that bar trying to clean out glasses: “Who needs a glass?” She clutches the bottle longingly and then cries. I would argue she is thinking of Hershel and the line of questioning that arises in this moment. Should she do this? Is she betraying him? This moment also contradicts what she tells Daryl in 4.1. “I don’t cry anymore Daryl.” This is the moment that breaks him.

Beth keeps trying to make him feel normal, while they’re walking to the shine shack. She thinks he used to be a motorcycle mechanic. But Daryl’s normal is not hers, and he doesn’t really do small talk. In these little moments, we see him being who he is. Daryl is really good at being who he is when who he is revolves around passivity and silence.

They go from country club to moonshine shack. What we see is how a class divide might differ in longevity. A country club full of walkers, made out of humans who turned against each other, every bottle dry in the house vs. an empty shine shack, no death in sight, absolutely full of booze. When societal protections collapse around us, it is the ruthless and the bereft who will know how best to survive. It’s like Beth sad about Daryl, being “made for this world.” 

They are trapped! Tropes. So many romantic tropes! Lol at people who would like to ignore that any of this happened or that Bethyl was never canon.

This: 

Anyway, I think Daryl is actually pretty mean to Beth toward the end here, out on the porch, like the way he treats her, kind of tugs her around physically. He doesn’t hurt her, but he is not gentle. This puts things into harsh perspective for Beth, as I do think that, while he is not right in how he handles her here, he is right in some ways about who she is. She is not naive but she is used to protection and safety and relying on others, the same way he is used to the opposite of those things. Both of them need to learn how to exist from the other side. 

Beth also sees what’s going on, however. I think she also might be used to this sort of quasi-violent, performative, drunken behavior. Her dad was a drunk. I think it’s interesting that so much of this episode hinges on alcohol in Hershel’s wake. I always thought this might be one reason Beth is drawn to and accepting of Daryl. We only really see Hershel while sober (I mean, mostly). We never saw him in his deep element of alcoholism, but Beth did. She is not innocent to vices or men spinning out of control. It’s why Beth responds to Daryl’s whole insane story about the tweaker and Merle with, “You miss him, don’t you?” She doesn’t care that Merle was a degenerate drug addict. He was Daryl’s brother who died. She has loved and lost an addict, too.

Before, Daryl was just “drifting.” In this episode, Beth gives him a quest. I think that’s very important. She also gives him something to look forward to:

“You got away from it.”

“I didn’t.”

“You did.”

“Maybe you gotta keep on reminding me of it sometimes.”

The hint at their future: “You gotta keep on reminding me,” he says, counting on them staying together. Beth is so kind to him here, too, even doting as she talks about him being the “last man standing.” I can’t imagine a girl has ever treated Daryl like this. I think she scares the living shit out of him.

Daryl suggests they go back into the shine shack, but Beth says they should burn the place down instead. Again, stillness vs. action. See their complimentary traits: Daryl is passive. He needs someone to tell him this is okay. Beth is active. She does what she wants. It is uniquely antithetical to their gender roles and subverts the power dynamic we might otherwise expect from a relationship like this: Daryl is older and a man. Ofc he should be the more aggressive, assertive one. The actor. But he’s not. It’s Beth who makes their choices in this episode. Daryl follows her and protects her along the way. 

The ending is so happy. Oh my god. Anyway.

Thank you for humoring me. Happy Stilliversary!! 😭🥺❤️