#but it was really nice to go back and reread :')
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Fic authors self rec! When you get this, reply with your favorite five fics that you've written, then pass on to at least five other writers. Spread the self-love💗 (hi gigi MWAH!)
tysm azia <333 this got a lil long, but it was so fun and encouraging !!!
In Your Blood - Emile/Estinien
“Concern yourself naught, Warrior of Light, just up ahead here.” He gestures to one of the towers before them, its silhouette rising in the dark. They don’t speak as they ascend the steps that wind up the perimeter, but they make quick work of the climb with their long strides. At the top, the whole world opens to them, a sea of forgotten ruins under the moonless night, still shining, still alive.
A feeling rises in Emile’s chest, something like awe that trembles through him with the cold. It loosens the weight in the back of his mind, and the two of them stand together, shoulder to shoulder, leaning over the stone parapet. He looks over at Estinien, ponytail swaying with the breeze, clear eyes lined in silver—he’s like a ghost, like something came back to life but only halfway, and it makes sense somehow, the whisper of him, starlight tracing the hard line of his lips. For a second, for just one fleeting moment, Emile wonders what it would be like to meet his mouth with his own.
On Your Mind - Emile/Estinien
It’s like this:
There are kisses that burn, ones full of desire and need—all consuming and powerful. There are kisses meant to comfort, ones that feel safe, that say, I can’t fix this, but I’m here with you. And then there are kisses like this, that happen in simple moments, that come merely from sharing space together, with only one real meaning behind it.
Emile parts his mouth against his, lingering in the fading but still warm sun, and this kiss feels like home.
I love you, comes to mind so, so easily.
Until We Get It Right - Emile/Estinien
He thinks Emile’s the only person that knows this side of him. He’s the only person he’d let see this side of him. They’re in this together, and sometimes that feels like a vow of its own. They’re married to their vengeance, and they will see it through or they will die—they would rather walk through hell than leave the crimes against them unanswered.
It’s something only they can understand now, and as much as they rile against each other, it binds them together.
This Fire is Bound to Burn - Emile/Estinien
“Emile,” he says, his voice like gravel, and it’s then that he tilts his head up to meet his gaze. He doesn’t say anything else, and all they can do is watch each other as the silence continues to fill the space between them and wear at Emile’s heart. I’m trying to understand, he wants to say, always this same feeling again and again, and tonight it sits heavily within him. He clings to it, searching Estinien’s gray eyes dulled by the night, but the answer is still just out of reach.
Estinien’s shoulders deflate, and the moment passes. Still, a small smile pulls at the corners of his lips. “Goodnight.”
Please.
Emile nods. “Goodnight.”
Ivy and Twine - Revan/Malak
She doesn't know what to say, but it doesn't matter. Malak reaches over, his hand finds hers in the dim light, and he threads their fingers together. Her heart continues to pound away, and this is it, isn't it? This is the now before the never.
Finally, Revan looks at him. His eyes are steady on her, but they narrow when she curls her legs up so she can kneel beside him on the couch. She brings her other hand up to meet their embrace, and the dark covers him as her fingertips ghost over his cool skin, stretching out his fingers so she can line hers up with his, palm to palm.
"Tell me" she says, and don't his eyes look so dark right now? The shadows pool in the hollow spaces of his skin but she can see the intensity in his stare. "Please...just tell me what I'm missing."
#tyty ♥#i wanted to add more than just emile/estinien#but they're my favorites i can't lie....#it's been so long since i've posted anything#but it was really nice to go back and reread :')#replies#coldshrugs
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man.
#personal stuff#thorn plays genshin#man.#yeah. figured it would be something along those lines. but still. :(#interesting that it happened where it did! i thought that spot looked a little empty#going to miss him. good for him though.#glad they never showed us his face in full but showed us he's always had great hair instead!!#anyway LOVE how freaky they made ronova look. oh my god. cool as hell#also continuing butterflies as death symbolism!#the happy ending for natlan IS going to make me cry btw. they don't have to live in the shadow of the abyss... they can travel too...#mualani and kachina talking about where they want to go... waugh..#WAUUUGH. the complete turnaround from paimon. saying she's ready to start iansan's training plan#''if anything like this ever happens again i want to fight by the traveler's side!'' WHAT IF I CRY. PAIMONNN#also. we're at the end now and i was waiting for it so.#all that talk abt xilonen dying to create our ancient name led up to absolutely nothing. what was that for. it didn't even get mentioned#in terms of the future though. we're headed to nod-krai specifically chasing after dottore's subordinates who have the moon fragments#wdym they have a power there that predates the seven elements. what.#oh my god i went back to the throne. the music changed. collapses to my knees#really cool concept for the traveler's constellations. i thought it would just be like. consumable items.#but no you take them to the lord of night...#nice that they give us a little cutscene of us paying our respects each time#and we get to reread each flint's story!
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library writing day today <333 jeremiahhhhh
#I feel like I extra need to be nice to him in this scene cuz rereading all the shit I#put him thru at the end of body back made me feel bad LOL#sorryyyyy jeremiahhhh ily !!#this scene is interesting it comes off a really… intense lol experience jj has with the guy he goes to meet#garth greenwell interaction written all over that scene LOL#ANYWAYYYY so we get to see him interact with his sister Kara !!!#loose idea is he’s going to his grandmother’s house to pick up his little brother & also prepare the house for the funeral#me remembering I did not write any of that down and seeing flashbacks where I completely forgot that idea#so yeah me when siblings !!!!!#I’m so tempted to put Jeremiah in seventh virtue btw#cuz I want both lonan & harrison to maybe have short romances with their old partners while they’re separated cuz Harrison is In Hell#might bring Lonan’s first gf back (she’s FOSTER’S SISTER) &&& then do a little Haremiah thing on the side#IMAGINE I BRING ELIZA BACK LMAOOOO#Lonan jumpscare
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the way one of my friends offered to get people drinks. one of the others asked for a rum and coke, so i asked for a vodka lemonade n then they stood right behind me and went 'is olive allowed to drink?' it killed something inside me a little bit. like i wasn't episoding i've been responsible about my drinking recently don't take away my autonomy when i'm capable of looking after myself please. i know i barely can but don't. don't make this one of the few things people will actually talk to me for
#sorry but i just feel so isolated in the friend group#like no-one's leaving me out its just everyone is coupled up and the only other single people are in a qpr and go home together to watch#korra everytime we hang out and it kills that i'm the only one who has to go and be alone. everyone else skips off all happy and i'm left#to go back to my little den of depression and fight through the panic abandonment response that i get every time i leave them#but if i isolate myself completely i will be even worse. my therapist told me to make myself socialise as much as i can and i've been tryin#and it's usually alright for most of the time when we're together. like nice even if its heartbreakingly lonely and i dont have the spoons#to contribute consistently to conversations#vent#sorry i'm just. i feel like i'm falling apart slowly#catching bits as they fall and shoving them back into me but still deteriorating faster than i can fix myself#i want to stop.#i can't be a human anymore#i can study and live in literature but i cannot be human#i can't be loved.#i just want to beg one of my tutors to let me camp out in their office for a few hours so they can help me somehow do my essay#like. i can't do it on my own. i can't think enough to scrape up my memory of the books i'm writing about#and i don't have time to reread them to find quotes#i just. want to be a cat hiding under people's tables with the occasional pet from people who are kind enough to like my type of creature#but be left to sleep and do what i need to at my own pace#is that really so much to ask? can i become smaller please. take away this body of mine and give me something that fits the shape of me
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hi, my friend has just sent me and so they were alone and it has forever changed my brain chemistry. i am foaming at the mouth your writing is absolutely to die for and you have cursed me with inspiration. you are so talented and i would like to know how you do it, if that's alright. i really hope that you get the recognition you deserve because holy crap i dont think ive read a fic that does things to me like this in YEARS, you are a blessing to this world
omG thanks so much geeez this is so nice of you 😭 it makes my week whenever someone tells me they liked my stuff im so glad you liked it. i will admit that im not so proud of 'astaa' anymore, mainly because it's just one of my oldest posted fics and i think i've improved since then, and looking back there are things that i would do differently. that being said, i'm flattered you like it so much. i remember i wrote that fic just entering the league fandom and,, i dunno i just vomited all over my google doc. since you read astaa and liked it i'm gonna shyly recommend one of my other fics, 'everything that went wrong over the summer' its also rhaayn (and pretty old) but it's also one that i'm more confident in fdlskljdksfa (no pressure tho ofc like, read whatever you want yk)
also, i'm not sure if you're being serious about wanting to know 'how i do it.' (im bad at reading jokes sorry!!) but i do use a lot of tips and tricks and strategies for all my writing so if that's something that actually interests you i can get into the process a lil bit. i dont mind sharing i just type a lot so im always like: does anyone actually want this fsadkljladfs
thanks sm for such a sweet ask ;W; i saw it at work and i had to take a minute cause it was so nice
#shx answer#astaa#SO NICE OF YOU THANK YOU#REALLY LIKE. I GO BACK AND reread comments and asks whenever i feel bad about my writing.#which is often 💀#it means the world to me
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I always tell my littlest cousins stories before bedtime (usually about gods and myths) but occasionally I tell them an original story, and I'm listening back to a recording I made the one time I thought to record myself telling one and I'm like "Wow, I’m actually a really good frickin storyteller."
(Yes, I’m a professional writer, but sometimes it’s nice to be reminded that I’m good at what I do.)
#i talk#This is one I'd love to someday publish as a short story#I love telling stories to my younger cousins because I can embellish things and add so much to stories I already know#but for this original story it's so nice to have it all in one place#told so simply but in such a fascinating way that I'm like ''I know where the story is going but even I can't remember wtf I said''#the story remains the same but the telling changes every time#it's just so cool!!! I love oral storytelling!!!#awh man that reminds me#Whenever I feel a little self-conscious about my storytelling skills#I'll reread old works or old comments#but every once in a while I remember when I was back in grade school (like 6th grade I think?)#I was on the playground and we were talking about horror movies and for whatever reason when someone asked if I'd seen Chucky I said yes#I hadn't because I really don't like horror movies but I said yes because I knew what their next question would be#and sure enough; they said ''oh yeah? Prove it. What happens in the movie?''#so for the next 30 minutes I tell the most insane gripping story about a possessed doll and everything that happens with it#and like I kid you not I started off with like 4 kids listening and by the end I had 10 - 15 kids sitting around me as I told this story#and I wish I could remember what kind of story I told because I remember it being sick as hell#and at the end when recess was over and we were all going back in one of my friends came up to me and asked if I really saw Chucky#and I confessed that no I'd never seen it I just knew it was about a scary doll or something#and they told me my story was so cool#:')#idk man. getting mad warm and fuzzies over my storytelling skills#living up to the 'ol url I guess#anyways I'm gonna go back to what I was doing and keep listening to the recording#this thing is 30 minutes long. My little cousins are the BEST listeners because they always ask such engaging questions#I love it#I love them :')#cousin talk#Sorry quick repost because the other one was rebloggable for some reason#and Tumblr wouldn't let me change that
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how are people finding my fic series from three full years ago. dkfjghs. who put me on a fic rec list be honest
#one person is a coincidence but TWO people leaving comments on it??? it was literally finished like july 2020#and it would be one thing if they commented on ANY of my more recent works. which is like. Anything that i've written for the witcher#but no it's straight back to the oldest series... strange strange#honestly i have NO idea how that shit holds up now. i felt like it was super rushed and sloppy when i wrote it#esp cause i was thinking up plot as i went so i was constantly frustrated over trying to connect plot threads that i left in the beginning#and forgot#which. i'm still doing now in my current wip. some things never change i guess#but people consistently seem to think i did a good job so either i was really good at bullshitting or the bar is fairly low 😭#let's hope that 16 yr old me did a good job of representing the rest of us down the line </3#i would go reread it again for old time's sake but idk if i have 40k worth of old fic reading in me tonight haha#one thing i will say about putting word limits on chapters and just writing until you get there. you end up with rlly nice numbers#anyway. not complaining about the attention! haha :)#valentine notes#fanfic
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outgrowing characters is the weirdest thing
#like age I mean. I’m thinking abt check please again it comes back periodically#but like I read this comic the first time when I was what. 15? how the hell was it that long ago??#I was either 14 or 15 bc I can’t remember exactly where I started and the update I’m pretty sure I finished with when I read it would make#me 14 and that’s just. what the hell. that can’t be right#AND that would mean I’ve been with these characters for 7 fucking years now. HOW has it been 4 years since the comic ended#but man like my point is I started off reading this when I didn’t honestly understand what college was and these were adults#I’m now older than dex ever gets in canon. the comic ends when he’s a junior.#having the framework of bitty’s story has been wild as I go through uni honestly. I’ve been matching stuff up as I go and he’s obviously#a fictional character in an idealised story but it’s still a personal story and a reflection on college anyway yknow. i#it’s been really nice to hold it as I go through#but god being a little older than the characters now makes it feel different#especially bc like. my feelings have changed. stuff got better or different or worse but it’s not like how it used to be when I got into it#and first met all these characters and fell in love w the story and the way I look at it has changed#and MAN they’re kids!! I’m rereading my favourite fic (potentially just. favourite fic. full stop. love made visible - likeshipsonthesea)#and I’ve read the first chapter when they’re freshmen and like! that’s such a specific time! you’re a baby still!!#I’m sure I’m gonna come back and feel the same way abt myself rn in a few years#idk! rereading this I just can’t help but map my own experience of college onto it now and it makes it read so differently#I think I’m also just having feelings about being a different person now than I used to be. trying to figure out how I feel abt him#anyway william dex poindexter I love you. this story is going to make me insane and I GOTTA write one of these fics I have knocking around#luke.txt
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if theres one thing I can do it's critically analysis tv shows at least I've got that going for me
#idk if anyone besides me has seen#But I am 2 for 2 in 'op recognition of tags' on critiques of the new pjo show#I'm out here contributing to the conversation you guys while simultaneously being bedridden with the worst cold ever#been out since Saturday but seeing some nice people enjoy my tags has really lifted my spirits I go back and reread them ngl#is that super embarrassing to admit sure but she's gotta be good at something and it's nice to see people say hey you said this really well#pjo tv series
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o. i ran into all the nice anonymous asks the last time i did the "tell me your opinion of me and i cant respond" because that was also in my 'to tag later' and i 🥹you're all very lovely and ily
#snow speaks#i think you all are too nice#i think i wanted to retag these somehow so that i have them saved#its sort of nice to reread when im really down!#but i wasnt sure how to retag them#oh well#yes im working on retagging stuff#organizing alskdjfah#came back to report: mission complete bUT AT WHAT COST ACTUALLY#<- separate from the 'i love my friends rant'#its past 11 pm so i lost the filter#i mean ivebeen running on no filter today bc i was falling asleep at work LAKSJDHFASKLH#but its just that like#i dont think i wouldve gotten anywhere last year had it not been for my friends#i wouldve been scared being in a new place if i hadnt been so quick to make friends with someone#which btw just looked like me seeing him and realizing 'OH GREAT YOURE FROM THE SAME SCHOOL HELP MEEE'#i dont talk a lot its hard for me to do so when i get nervous about scaring people off OR that ill annoy them#even so somehow i find friends anyways wherever i go#and i think thats magical haha#but anyways i love my friends theyre all wonderful
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Listen to your elders
So last week I posted abut the importance of downloading your fic. And then three days later AO3 went down for 24 hours. No one was more weirded out by this than I was. But while y’all were acting like the library at Alexandria was on fire I was reading my download fic and editing chapter eight of Buck, Rogers, and the 21st Century. And also thinking about what I could do to be helpful when the crisis was actually over.
So first off, I’m going to repeat that if you’re going to bookmark a fic, you really need to also download the fic and back it up in a safe place. I just do it automatically now and it’s a good habit to get into.
But let’s talk about some other scenarios. Last October I lost power for over a week after hurricane Ian. Apart from not having internet or A/C I did find plenty to do, I collect books so I had plenty to read, but maybe, unlike me, your favorite comfort reads aren’t sitting on a bookshelf. So let’s do something about that, shall we?
In olden times many long years ago around 1995 we printed off a lot of fic. It was mostly SOP to print a fic you planned to reread and stick it in a three ring binder. And that’s totally valid today too, but you can also make a very nice paperback with a minimum amount of skill and materials.
Let’s start with the download; Go to Ao3 and select your fic, we’ll be working with one of mine. This method works best with one shots, long fic tends to need a more complicated approach. Get yourself an HTML download
Open up the HTML download and select all then copy paste into any word processor. Set the page to landscape and two columns, then change the font to something you find easy to read, this is your book, no judgement. This is all you have to do for layout but I like to play a little bit. I move all the meta, summary, notes to the end and pick out a fun font for the title:
No time like the present to do a quick proofread. Congratulations, you’ve just created your first typeset. On to the fun part.
Now you’re going to need some materials: 8.5x11in paper ruler one sheet of 12x12 medium card stock (60-80lb) scissors pencil pen or fine tip marker sheet of wax paper white glue two binder clips 2 heavy books or 1 brick butter knife
You’ll also need a printer, if you’re in the US there is almost a 100% chance your local library has a printer you can use if you don’t have your own. None of these materials are expensive and you can literally use cheap copy paper and Elmers glue.
Print your text block, one page per side. Fold the first page in half so that the blank side is inside and the printed side out:
![Tumblr media](https://64.media.tumblr.com/23e41037c181726f24dd73ef0f1a7841/9913f4b4f1ecf7cf-a2/s540x810/16ce2ae4fb19756913fd578c0791aa6b3cf9cf17.jpg)
use the butter knife to crease the edge. Repeat on all the sheets. When you’ve finished, stack them up with the raw edge on the left and the folded edge on the right. I used standard copy paper, because you’re only printing on one side there’s no bleed to worry about. Take the text block and line everything up. Use the binder clips to hold the raw edge in place.
Wrap the text block in the wax paper so that the raw edge and binder clips are facing out. I’m going to use my home built book press but you don’t need one, a brick or a couple of books or anything else heavy will work fine.
![Tumblr media](https://64.media.tumblr.com/a821798d80df549fea10ac879f8a2f3d/9913f4b4f1ecf7cf-20/s540x810/e32f303ad0a622d3701d426293bc75cc49e736f8.jpg)
Once the text block is anchored down, take off he binder clips and get out the glue.
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You can use a brush but you don’t need one, smear some glue on that raw edge.
Go make a margarita, watch The Mandalorian, call your mother. Don’t come back for at least an hour
In an hour smear some more glue on there and shift your brick forward so that the whole book is covered. This keeps the paper from warping. While glue part 2 is drying we’ll do the cover. Get out your 12x12 cardstock
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Mark the cardstock off at 8.5 inches and cut it. Measure in 5.5 inches from the left and put in a score line with the butter knife (the back edge not the sharp edge)
Carefully fold the score line, this is your front cover. You have some options for the cover title, you can use a cutting machine like a cricut if you have one, you can print out a title on the computer and use carbon paper to transfer the text to the cardstock. I was in a mood so I just freehanded that beoch. Pencil first then in pen.
Take your text block out from under your brick. Line it up against the score mark and mark the second score on the other side of the spine
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Fold the score and glue the textblock into the cover at the spine. Once the glue dries up mark the back cover with the pencil and then trim the back cover to fit with your scissors.
Voila:
![Tumblr media](https://64.media.tumblr.com/72ef9a10c8f73b1853555a15702af67c/9913f4b4f1ecf7cf-50/s540x810/e7150e856bed5bf9cd881591a722bd4d41491fe9.jpg)
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I’m going to put this baby on the shelf next to the Silmarillion.
The whole process, not counting drying time, took less than an hour.
If you want to make a book of a longer fic, I recommend Renegade Publishing, they have a ton of resources for fan-binders.
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Laios Backstory
I've been wanting to compile the comics that talk about Laios backstory for a while, especially after reading the "Laios and Family" extra from the new Adventurer's Bible that re-contextualizes it from Falin's POV.
So I'll be posting and discussing parts from the manga and extras that talk about/show his and Falin's Backstory. Spoilers Ahead.
First, here are their timelines from world guide, its a nice way to situate whats happening and how old they are.
Starting with chapter 52 - Bacon and Eggs, Laios tells his and Falin's story to his party for the first time, after being asked by Senshi why they came to the island.
Laios left the village a year before Falin did. Falin was 9 and Laios was 12, they only met again 9 years later when Laios deserted the army.
"That's why I decided that I would never leave Falin behind again. At least until she finds somebody new that she wants to be with."
Then there's the "Laios and Family" extra from the new adventurer's bible:
![Tumblr media](https://64.media.tumblr.com/eadc342a8b1d2f2bb499891169484339/8612a293490f2d87-c6/s540x810/032fbc06bb4f4b8940db31e03e0f63182ef8d28b.webp)
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![Tumblr media](https://64.media.tumblr.com/c1a863d168dab56f3a1911bf579a41b1/8612a293490f2d87-04/s540x810/ff45cdf770b9cbe9abcd743cfc382fc21505fdc1.webp)
I really enjoy the recontextualization from Falin's POV. Especially since we get to understand their parents better.
And Laios finally explains that he left so he could build a better life for them where Falin wouldn't be treated badly. Only to fail and realize she was doing better without him.
They both want what's best for each other but they're too silly.
"I thought if we parted ways at that point, I'd probably never see him again. So I went with him, without thinking about where it would lead."
Going back to Chapter 42 - Nightmare with this context.
You can really tell how he feels like a failure.
Rereading those helped me appreciate the Caravan Extra and Arrival on the island from daydream hour better.
This poor guy failed at everything he had set out to do at this point. And when Falin says "Long time no see, big brother!" she really means it, she hasnt seen a well groomed Laios in almost 10 years.
#dungeon meshi#dungeon meshi spoilers#dungeon meshi manga#daydream hour#backstories#for referencing#adventurers bible#Laios Touden#Falin Touden#touden siblings#Laios Backstory
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starting my third non-fiction of the year. wild.
#my reading goal for the year was more graphic novels and more long books#not more non-fiction#not complaining it's been nice#but wasn't what i expected#i've also not really succeeded at the other goals so#gotta get belonging the graphic memoir out from the library again#that was a tough read#had to give it back when i was 1/3 through#but i can bring it to work now so that'll give me more time to actually read it#i mean i'm still reading plenty of webcomics and actually just got always human from the bookstore!#loved that back in 2017#and then realized i actually hadn't preordered the sequel so i've done that now#waiting on it#and there's some issue with the sea in you coming in so idk but i'll get that eventually#gonna get my friend's friend to order the remaining chateau des étoiles books for me from indigo#god my coworkers are going to think i read nothing but kids' books XD#i've been doing all my rereading at work with my physical books#and so i'm just finishing hench there now#but other than that i've been reading narnia#mine#personal#i have read long books too but like not intentionally really they just wound up being long and i stuck with them#and haven't read all that many long ones either#a taste of gold and iron was the last really good one#well i guess tress of the emerald sea most recently but atogai was better i think#tress was nice i did like it it was just too long
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love that serotonin boost from buying something online and having something to look forward to 😁🥰🩷✨😚
#I’m usually really good at saving my money and don’t like buying stuff for my personal desire#but I let myself get something I really want here & there and tonight was one of those nights!!#spending $120 on a jacket made my head a liiiitle dizzy but it’s so ducking nice and there was one left in my size so I was like ‘I have to#get this’ 😩 and yknow what I’m glad I did!!#we deserve to treat ourselves every now and then#but I really wanted a nice jean jacket and I found one at Etsy that was also hand painted with a percy jackson image#and I’m all in my percy feels again with the show coming out and rereading it I just couldn’t pass it up it’s so COOL ⚡️✨💖#and yknow what I get paid on friday so I’ll see money go right back into my bank account so it’s all good lol 😂💞#I love it I can’t wait for it to get here!!!#mine#*fucking. autocorrect always puts ducking instead it drives me crazy let me SWEAR 😭😭
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we need more moment where shy!reader was studying and practicing new things to show rafe!! ik that girl is so kinky and it’s always the shy girls <33
YESS omg i srsly love that drabble when i reread it im like she was cookin.. i feel like shes the type to try to prep herself with a dildo bc she can never take all of rafe but imagine he found it n was like ?!!?
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really—your boyfriend was too big. it was excessive, and though you could never find the words to tell him to stop or slow down—mostly because you didn't want him to—he always did anyways.
no matter how much you insisted that you could take all of him, rafe didn't like to listen. so you were stuck in a conundrum, and your choices were either lying to your boyfriend that it didn't hurt or accepting the fact that he'll never be as rough with you as you want.
you were willing to sit down and accept a lot of things without a fight—but this was not one of them.
one discreetly wrapped delivery later, you had yourself your very own rafe-sized dildo—a pretty pink color and of such a size that it had your insides churning with anticipation. about half an hour later with the use of some lube and lots of work, you were successfully able to fit about three-fourths. it wasn't perfect, yet, but it was a work in progress.
you didn't want to overdo it and end up insanely sore either, and you were beginning to realize even half was enough to have you cumming over and over again. so much so that you almost forgot about the date you had planned with rafe for that night—scrambling to get up and get ready.
that night, after a nice date and way too much ice cream, you realized you were too fucked out from your afternoon activity to go for another round for rafe. it was no big deal—except it happened the next day. then the day after that. and the one after that.
you had mastered the rafe-sized dildo, and you could take the entire thing after week of practice. but it also meant that it had been a full week without your boyfriend fucking you—something that hadn't happened since you had lost your virginity to him.
a little too clueless around rafe like always, you hadn't realized anything was wrong. rafe was on edge—pent up and unable to keep taking out his frustration on the golf course after almost breaking one of his clubs—but you didn't really notice.
you were waiting for tonight, after another date to show him your new-found skills, but of course, he didn't know that.
getting ready in your bathroom, blasting music and doing your makeup, you don't even hear the door open to your bedroom. rafe came to get you early, knowing you would need more time but way too antsy to wait alone in his car.
he sits on your bed, listening to the muffled music from behind the closed door. he's not impatient with you and hardly ever like this, but the current situation had left him more desperate to see you than usual.
leaning against your headboard, he feels something under your pillow. lifting it to move whatever it was—knowing you, the book you had been reading last night—his jaw clenches when he sees it. a dildo. not just any dildo—a huge dildo. under your pillow like you'd just been using it or something.
the pillow stays in his hand but he has an overwhelming urge to chuck it across the room. was this the reason the two of you hadn't had sex in a week? were you finding pleasure from some stupid toy instead of him?
"rafe?" you ask, stepping out of the bathroom and staring at the scene in front of you with big eyes. you're distractingly pretty everyday but even more so today with a short skirt and done-up face for the date he's not sure if he'll be taking you on.
your face burns with humiliation—stupidly realizing you hadn't put the damn thing away after last night. rafe is looking at you and then looking back at your bed, his fist tight around your pillow.
"um, i-"
"do you wanna explain? i'll give you five fuckin' seconds to explain-"
"no, it's not what it looks like-"
"really, kid? what it looks like is you're fuckin' this stupid thing instead of me. y'know, i'll just fuck off and you can have fun-"
rafe stands, not really angry but still sounding like he is. it's more pent-up frustration bubbling up, but you rush over to him anyways, looking so panicked he feels bad the second he said anything. he can't stay mad at you for longer than a minute.
"it's not what it looks like, i swear-"
"what is it then, huh?"
"i was just practicing! i was just trying to get better for you. see, it's yours." you motion to the toy still on the bed.
"huh?" rafe asks, looking between you and the bed.
"it's you. see. it's like... your size. um-" you get flustered again, shutting up in the fear that you've just said something to rafe that you should have kept to yourself. "i'm.. sorry?"
"no you're not."
"no, but i feel bad. are your feelings hurt? i'm sorry."
when rafe glances back at you, tearing his gaze away from the bright pink that's beginning to hurt his eyes, he realizes how sad you look, thinking you've done something to upset him.
"no, m'fine. just.. tell me next time. it was a jump scare."
"okay.." you stay still infront of him, awkwardly playing with your hands waiting for him to say something. you're a little concerned rafe's still upset, but he doesn't seem to look it, rather looking at you expectedly.
"what?" you question immediately, eyebrows furrowing in confusion.
"what? get on the bed. you've had enough practice. time for the real thing."
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I Remember Everything - Rafe Cameron
(Prologue and Chapter 1)
Summary: You left the island two years ago, leaving the love of your life a shattered man in your wake. Now, when you return, you find the sweet boy you once loved has transformed into a monster of a man. How can you detangle the real Rafe from the terrible things he's done?
Timeline: begins toward the end of obx season 3 and is mostly canon.
Content: this story contains sexual content, alcohol and drug abuse, and brief mentions of violence. All chapters are 18+, minors do not interact!
⯎series masterlist⯎
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Prologue
Before gold, before grams, before the gun, there was you. Back when there weren’t crosses to steal, lines to snort, cops to run from, there was you. Long summer nights on the Druthers, your mom blowing up your phone ‘cause you missed curfew again. Skipping class and riding to the beach on the back of his bike. All the way back to grade school, playing tag and pretending you were pirates. Then middle school, that kiss under the lifeguard tower, a first for both of you. In high school, the night you got back from the “character-building summer camp” you had been shipped off to and you shared your other first. When you were first together, it didn’t even hurt, but just felt like fucking finally.
He remembers it all, taking all of his strength to keep it stuffed under the surface. The coke, the violence, the drama he creates in his wake cover you up nicely, until those nights when he’s dead asleep and there you are again, leaving. When he wakes, it all comes back to him. How he sat on the curb and watched you go, bloody and hurt from the night that was your final straw. How he showed up on your doorstep the next day, like he was five-years-old again asking if you could come outside and play. How your mother told him you were gone and wouldn’t tell him where you went.
“Honey,” she said with something like pity in her voice, “Promise me, you’ll let her go, let her be happy.”
A promise he kept, until the day you rolled back into town with no warning. Your timing could not have been worse. After the summer from hell, the summer that made him a killer, he finally felt like he was in control. It wasn’t until he saw you, the only person in the world that ever really knew him, that he realized he had no idea who he was.
Chapter One
You clutched your phone tight, reading and rereading the message. One you used to get nearly every night but hadn’t seen in two long years.
party at cameron’s tonite !!
It was a group text, sent by the girl from your high school you bumped into in the grocery store earlier that day. You had been back on the island for all of an hour before inevitably seeing someone you knew. You tried to duck quickly into the cereal aisle, but she caught your eye before you could disappear, an action you were infamous for.
“Omg, we need to hang out soon!” She had said, before handing you her phone to put your new number in.
You smiled your fakest smile and said, “it’s a must!” You didn’t think either of you really meant it, but apparently she had.
There were eleven or twelve other numbers in the group text, none you had saved, but you assumed they were likely other people from your high school. She probably just added anyone in her contacts she could think of, not even stopping to realize she was inviting the Kook prince’s former princess to his party. Your relationship had been the stuff of legend on this island. Everyone had an opinion, you were practically a celebrity couple, and it was the biggest news on the island for months when you left, suddenly disappearing overnight. Some real shit must’ve gone down around here since then to make it such old news that this girl didn’t even think about it when adding you to this text.
Your heart pounding in your ears, you couldn’t believe it when you felt yourself typing out i’ll be there :)
You wore your hair down, the way you always used to have it in high school. After you left, you had cut it short, wanting to shed away as much of your old life as you could, but in the last few months you’d started to let it grow back. Now it flowed down to the middle of your back, tickling the skin of your shoulders where the thin spaghetti straps of the little dress you had on left them exposed. You let the front pieces fall around your face, a sort of curtain to keep an extra layer between you and the other partygoers.
You could not believe you were here. For real this time, not in a dream as you had been every night for two years, but really here.
As you walked down the gravel path, it all came rushing back. The smell of Rose’s garden, the distant sound of the ocean lapping against the shore, the low thud of the music echoing through the crisp evening air. How many times have you walked down this path? How many nights had you spent here, your senses filled with the glory of Tannyhill, the glory of him? And yet now it felt so heavy, the sights, sounds, smells of it all were nearly choking you. Tears welled in your eyes, but something kept your feet walking towards those grand front doors, towards him.
Four years earlier…
The glass panes of the front door are slightly blurred, only revealing the soft lighting of the grand entryway on the other side. You had crossed this threshold at least a thousand times in the ten years since your family moved to this island. Knocking felt strange, you felt so small standing here in the porch light, surrounded by moths and the thick coastal August air. An envelope, wrinkled from being opened and rifled through so many times, was clutched between your clammy hands.
A figure you couldn’t quite make out approached the door, and your heart pounded in your ears as you hoped desperately it would be him who opened the door. But it wasn’t.
“Oh, hey - I- hi, Mr. Cameron,” you stammered, ever intimidated by the island’s most powerful man.
“Y/N,” Ward nodded cordially. “It’s after 10pm.”
You smiled weakly, if you felt small before, you feel positively infantile now.
“I was just hoping I could see Rafe for like, just a second,” you pleaded, putting on your sweetest smile.
“He’s studying,” Ward said. “You can come back tomorrow. Goodnight.”
Before you could protest, the door was closed and the blurred figure retreated into the house.
Never one to give up, you stuffed the letter into the back pocket of your jeans, and stepped back from the porch, sizing up the massive house to see which rooms still had lights on. You knew the blueprint of this place by heart, checking off each family member mentally as you scanned their window for signs of life. Wheezie’s room? Dark. Sarah’s room? Dark. Rose and Ward’s room? Still lit. This would have to be a stealth mission.
You snuck around the side of the house and looked up at the last window on your list. To your excitement, the room was still lit. You saw a long shadow pass by the curtains, and you actually jumped a little from the thrill. After spending the longest summer of your life apart from the one person you wanted to spend it with, he was actually right there, just two stories off the ground.
You traveled 800 miles today, what was a few more feet? Blocking out the better judgment ringing in the back of your mind, you picked up a few pebbles from the rocky path that leads to the backyard, and started climbing the big tree that grew right up past Rafe’s balcony. How you were gonna get from the tree to the balcony? That was five-minutes-from-now-you’s problem. You chuckled to yourself as your body naturally found each branch and knot on the tree. You used to have competitions when you were kids to see who could climb this tree the fastest, and you beat Rafe everytime. You remembered the shocked look on his face the first time he saw you scurry up the tree, you were hoping for a similar level of approving surprise once you got where you were going.
Once you reached the branch directly across from Rafe’s balcony, you pulled one of the pebbles from your pocket and chucked it at his window as hard as you could.
“Shit,” you whisper-yelled as the throw fell short and the pebble dropped, loudly knocking into the first floor window below. You couldn’t afford another noise-causing miss, so you recalculated the throw and bit your lip as you lobbed the next pebble hard. It smacked into Rafe’s window with a loud TINK and you smiled in satisfaction. You waited a moment, then two, and still nothing. The shadowy figure did not return to the curtain. You only had one pebble left, and you had never been good at climbing back down this tree. Remembering the time you fell out of it onto the waiting Rafe below, and you both ended up needing stitches, your stomach twisted in fear. You took in a deep breath and held it, letting the last pebble fly. Another sharp TINK, and a moment of baited breath later, the tall shadow finally returned to the window.
Rafe opened the curtains harshly and you immediately broke into a wild smile. He looked so cute in his fitted gray t-shirt and plaid pajama pants, his normally gelled back her falling in messy pieces around his face. You held back a giggle, delighted by the completely confused look on his face as he searched out the window for the cause of the sound. He lifted the window open and examined the two pebbles that had fallen on the windowsill.
You took the opportunity to whisper a loud “psssst.” His face shot up in surprise and his eyes finally found you in the tree, just a few feet off of the balcony. Where you expected to see surprised delight on his face, you instead caught something cold and irritated.
“Y/N,” he whisper-called to you. “What are you doing?”
“I just got back, I wanted to see you!” You called to him, hoping his apparent anger was just in response to his own shock.
“I’m busy.” Rafe went to close the window and you felt your moment of opportunity slip away.
“Wait!” you stopped him. “Please don’t make me climb down. We both know it won’t end well.” You smiled a sweetly shy smile you hoped would melt his icy demeanor a bit.
He sighed and looked at you annoyed for a moment before climbing out the window, his height requiring him to duck low in order to make it through. He had grown even taller over the summer, he must have hit 6 foot by now, maybe more. Your stomach flipped as you watched his athletic frame emerge from his bedroom, now able to see how defined his arms looked in the moonlight. You’d always thought he was a cute boy, but the way he looked right now lit a fire in your belly. Then you realized what it was - while you were gone, the cute boy-next-door had become a man.
“Just reach over,” he directed you.
“I don’t think I can without falling,” you explained. “I think I’m gonna have to jump.”
“Are you stupid?” He scoffed humorlessly.
Your heart sank, the boy you left behind three months ago never would have called you stupid.
“It’ll be fine, you just have to catch me,” you explained.
He rolled his eyes and opened his arms, reaching them over the bannister of the balcony, “fine.”
The brief moment of joy you got from his submission faded fast as you made the mistake of looking down at the gap between the tree and the balcony.
“Actually…” you said, bravery fading.
“What, are you scared?” Rafe taunted.
“No!” you insisted. You smiled at him, suddenly feeling like the two of you were ten again and he was daring you to jump off the trampoline into the pool in your backyard.
Now or never. With a deep breath and a sharp yelp, you threw yourself out of the tree and towards his waiting arms on the balcony. As promised, he caught you, and pulled you quickly over the bannister. His arms wrapped around your waist, yours around his shoulders, he held you there just a few inches off the ground.
You flattened your hands against the taut muscles of his shoulders, delighting in the strong warmth of them. But before you could fully revel in the feeling of being in his arms, he released his grip on your waist and you dropped the final few inches to the ground. Rafe quickly stepped back, breaking the lock your arms had around his neck. Despite the southern summer heat, the air between you suddenly felt ice cold.
“Rafe,” you whispered, stepping towards him, but he only pulled further away.
“You shouldn’t be here,” he said without even looking at you.
Rafe started back towards his window, and something gave you the feeling he was not going to invite you to follow him through it.
“I need to talk to you,” you started to explain.
Rafe whipped around to face you, the way he towered over you at his new height sending goosebumps down your spine.
“Why don’t you go talk to your new boyfriend instead?” He snapped.
You were so stunned that you let out a little laugh, which only made his furrowed brow scrunch even more in anger.
“What are you talking about?” You asked.
“I saw the pictures your camp was posting on their website all summer. I saw you wrapped around that douchebag.”
It took a moment of confused silence for you to realize what he was talking about, when it finally dawned on you, you laughed again. He turned from you and started heading towards the window again, but you caught his arm, your hand not able to fit even halfway around it.
“No, Rafe,” you explained, “That was just Andy, one of the other campers. We were doing a trust fall exercise. He dropped me like two seconds after that!”
Despite himself, Rafe turned to look at you, eyes examining you nervously.
“Are you ok?” He asked in a small voice, wishing desperately that he didn’t care.
You smiled softly, there he was - your boy.
“I’m fine,” you assured him, showing him the small scar on your wrist. “Just a little scrape.”
A moment passed, he avoided your eyes but allowed you to step closer, your hand sliding down his arm and slipping into his, his fingers reluctantly intertwining with yours. You knew exactly what words he was struggling to find, but decided to let him get there on his own.
Finally, “Why didn’t you answer my letters?”
Your other hand reached into your back pocket and pulled out the envelope you had tucked away. You held it out to him wordlessly. He took the letter and held it to the light coming from his room, examining it with a confused look. The envelope was addressed to him at Tannyhill, from you at camp. When he finally noticed the “return to sender” label, it all clicked.
“They kept getting returned to me, I don’t know why,” you said as you squeezed his hand. “I asked to use my phone to let you know but they wouldn’t let me. I almost just snuck out of camp and came home so I could explain it to you.”
“Your mom would’ve been so mad,” he said, finally, finally smiling at you.
“Then she would’ve just taken away my phone and we’d be back where we started,” You said. “There’s like twenty more letters like that. I don’t know why they never made it to you, it’s like someone was sabotaging me.”
Rafe seemed satisfied with your explanation and the remaining bit of anger on his face melted away completely. He stuffed the letter in his pocket and suddenly threw his arms around you, lifting you in the air as you yelped in surprise, giggling as he started planting sloppy kisses all over your face and neck.
“Shhh, baby, my parents will hear you,” he whispered. “They’ve got me locked in my tower because I failed my last quiz in this fucking summer school pre-calc class.”
“Rafe!” you said in mock-scandal. “Naughty language!”
“Oh, baby, I can say way naughtier things than that,” he growled in your ear, your cheeks now burning from real-scandal.
“C’mon,” he said, setting you down and grabbing your hand, to lead you to his still-open window.
He placed his large hand on the small of your back as he helped you through the window, climbing in after you and closing it slowly so as to not make a sound.
You and Rafe had done some more-than-kissing things before, but that was the night you gave yourselves to each other completely. He held you after, softly kissing the scar on your arm from when Andy had dropped you.
“Never gonna let that Andy asshole touch you again,” he said between kisses. “He can find his own girl, you’re mine.”
You giggled and he looked up at you in confusion.
“Rafe,” you were laughing hard now. “Andy’s gay.”
He broke into a bashful grin, a quick blush of embarrassment swept across his cheeks before he grew serious again and started kissing up your arm.
“I don’t care,” he said. “They should all know - all the Andys and Jakes and Chads and whoeverthefucks,” his kisses had reached your neck, “no guy is ever gonna get to touch you like me.” He pulled back and looked into your eyes with a sincerity that squeezed your heart. “Gonna love you forever. Gonna marry you, make you a mom. Never gonna spend three months, or even three fucking days away from you again. That what you want?”
“Yes,” you breathed, meaning it with your whole being.
“Good.”
Now…
The memories flooded your brain as you opened the door and stepped into the home you used to think would be yours someday. The party was swelling, the vibe feeling so familiar and so uncomfortable at the same time.
You made your way straight to the kitchen, desperately needing a drink. Every step you took sent a memory flashing through your thoughts like a shock to your brain. You passed the living room and saw movie-nights-turned-make-out-sessions on the couch, playing mario kart with Sarah and Wheezie while Rafe laughed at your hyper-competitiveness, prom pictures in front of the fireplace. You passed the dining room and saw the first family dinner you were invited to, how you made Ward laugh with a story about fishing your own dad used to tell, how Rafe squeezed your thigh under the table in pride. You entered the kitchen and saw the time you and Rafe set off the smoke alarm trying to make pancakes, the time he lifted you onto the counter and went down on you when his family was out of town. And then, standing by the keg, you saw the girl who invited you, clearly plastered already.
“Omg!” She yelled when she saw you.
Everyone else in the large kitchen turned and looked at you. It felt dramatic, but you could swear the whole room fell silent when they saw you, a comical record scratch playing in your head.
The girl who invited you ran over to you, beer sloshing over the side of her solo cup and onto her shirt.
“I can not believe you came,” she said, loud enough for everyone to hear. “I completely forgot when I invited you, about, you know, you and-”
“Can I get one of those?” you cut her off quickly, gesturing towards her drink.
Before she could answer, a loud crash came from outside the kitchen’s open french doors. The heads that had all been watching you suddenly snapped toward the sound towards the crowded back yard. When the loud bellow of a man’s voice rang out, the people in the kitchen all ran towards the unfolding scene. You pushed through the crowd and out the doors, drawn inexplicably to the voice. Your heart dropped to your stomach when you realized why - it was Rafe.
There in the backyard, packed with drunk people and lit by string lights, Rafe stood with his fist clenched in the collar of some guy’s white button up, forcefully pulling the scared looking dude toward him while he yelled.
“I said none of that fucking cheap shit,” Rafe yelled at the guy you now realized was a cater-waiter.
“I’m sorry sir, I-” Rafe threw the man down and he fell back in the dirt.
“This isn’t some ghetto block party out in The Cut,” Rafe yelled. “Do you know who’s fucking house you’re at right now?”
The crowd around you watched, most smiling in support of the man they looked at like he was a rockstar. You cringed at the looks of admiration in their eyes and took Rafe in with your own.
He looked different, harder. His floppy blond locks had been shaved off, and he had traded old t-shirts and jeans for slacks and a polo. He was as tall and built as you remembered, but instead of it being endearing, it was just scary as he looked down at the poor server like he was gonna kill him.
Then he spat on him. He actually spat on another human being. It disgusted you in more ways than one, and you felt your heart breaking in your chest as you realized you had no idea who this man was. The boy who held you on that night four years ago and promised to be yours forever clearly didn’t live here anymore. You turned quickly and pushed back through the crowd, unable to watch another second of this sickening display of toxic masculinity.
Rafe glared down at the pogue-scum in the dirt below him, an eerily familiar feeling washed over him as something moved quickly in the corner of his eye. He turned at just the right moment to see a whip of long hair disappear through the crowd. But it wasn’t. It couldn’t possibly be. Surely, it was not you.
(chapter 2)
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a/n: Hiiii this is the first fic I've posted in about 10 years!! Hope you enjoyed, forgive me if I'm rusty! More chapters to come :)
#rafe cameron#rafe obx#rafe cameron x reader#obx fic#rafe cameron smut#rafe cameron x y/n#rafe cameron x you#rafe x reader#rafe outer banks#obx smut#rafe cameron fluff#rafe fanfic#rafe x you#rafe fanfiction#rafe smut#rafe imagine#rafe fic#rafe cameron fic#rafe cameron fanfiction#rafe cameron fanfic#rafe cameron and you#rafe cameron and reader#rafe cameron and y/n
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