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the-evil-authoress · 3 years ago

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GX Month Day 29: “Frontline Base”

Even heroes need some downtime. Show us what the schoolyard crew gets up to when they’re not saving the world or studying for finals. Sleepovers perhaps?

BROT4 GOOOO!

Seven pages of pure, nonsensical fluff.

Jesse jerks as the door bangs open and Christina leans in, breathless and giddy. “Jay, movie night at Lexi’s!”

“Sweetness!” Jaden scrambles to his feet, all but abandoning the cards spread out between them as he sweeps his deck back into its box.

Hold up. “What?” Jesse glances between his new friends in confusion.

“We watch movies in Alexis’ room,” Jaden says like this is a perfectly natural occurrence.

“Yeah, no, I got that.” Jesse frowns, trying to think back to the rules and regulations sheet he’d been handed at orientation. “I thought guys weren’t allowed at the Girls’ Dorm?”

Jaden makes finger quotes and winks. “You coming?” he asks, already halfway out the door. Christina shouts at him to hurry up from the distance.

Oh, okay. So this is a thing. “Sure.” Collecting his own cards, Jesse slots them all neatly into his deck box. He isn’t about to turn down an open invitation, arbitrary rules be damned. Christina hangs out down here enough.

The smile Jaden gives him looks like a miniature sun. Then he charges down the stairs after Christina. Jesse hurries to catch up.

The Slifer Dorm and Obelisk Girls’ Dorm are the farthest from each other, so it’s a fair bit of a walk. Jesse tries to pay attention to the route to remember it later and fails, because it’s either that or lose track of what his new friends are saying. As it is, the pair use terms that Jesse isn’t familiar with yet. Christina’s quick enough to translate or explain as best she can; Jaden’s English is a lost cause.

The building finally comes into sight. Jaden immediately veers off to the side as they approach and makes a choked noise as Christina grabs him by the collar. “It’s a different room!” she hisses and proceeds to lead them around the back of the building.

“Right…”

They enter through a tiny door that Jesse would bet money students aren’t even supposed to know exists and weave their way through the hallways up to the second floor. The layout is definitely different than the Obelisk Boys’ Dorm from what little time he’s spent there. Still stupidly posh. Jaden charges headfirst into the room as soon as Christina points to it.

“Yo, Lexi! First movie night of the year!” He flops face first into the mattress. “Man have I missed these beds.”

“Nice to see you too.” Alexis huffs with a grin, glancing up from the adjacent desk as Jesse shuts the door behind himself. She visibly startles at the sight of him, and Jesse freezes as he considers for the first time that he might have received the invite from the wrong person.

Well, shit. This just got awkward.

“Oh, right, uh-” Sitting up, Jaden glances between Alexis and Jesse before giving Alexis a big, cheesy grin that looks nothing short of terrified. “-plus one? If you don’t mind.”

Surprisingly, Alexis relaxes with no more than a breath. “It’s fine. Just send me a heads up next time.”

“Heads up!” Jaden chirps with another smile made of sunlight. No idea what that means, but Christina starts giggling and Alexis shakes her head like an exasperated parent. She doesn’t seem mad though, so Jesse figures it’s safe to join Christina by the couch instead of letting his Beasts guide him back to his own room for the night.

“You’ve got a single room this year,” Jaden says, glancing around the space. It looks a lot like the one Jesse was given - really big and really empty with far too much space for a single person.

“Yeah. I got one too, not that I’ll be using it.” Christina shrugs as Jaden hops off the bed and belines toward the window.

“You’ll probably end up crashing here when you’re not at the Slifer Dorm,” Alexis agrees, clicking out of the program she had open on her computer before standing.

Christina beams. “You know me so well.”

“You have a balcony!”

“Which is why-” Alexis holds out a key between her and Christina, seemingly ignoring the Slifer leaning out her window. “-I got an extra.”

Squealing, Christina snatches the key and hugs the other girl. “They can’t keep besties apart!”

“Hey!”

“Oh, hush.” Christina waves a hand at Jaden’s offended expression. “You’re my boy bestie. Lexi’s my girl bestie.”

For a moment, Jaden pouts and Jesse wonders if he just stumbled into some friendship drama, but then the Slifer shrugs and returns to studying something outside below the balcony. “Fair enough.”

Should Jesse really be here? He took up the offer - that wasn’t even from the person who’s room this is - on a whim. He’s barely known these people two weeks when they’ve all known each other at least two years.

“Jaden, get back in here.” Alexis twists to chide the Slifer still standing transfixed on her balcony.

Jaden doesn’t budge. “As soon as I figure out the best route!”

“Route?” Curiosity overriding the sense of displacement, Jesse joins Jaden on the balcony.

“Yeah, up and down.” Jaden leans over the balcony railing, face scrunched up in concentration. “Climbing’s easier than sneaking through the hallways every time.” He says that like he does this often. So this is definitely a thing. Jaden and Christina struck Jesse as the rebellious type; Alexis not so much. But hey. Jesse likes being wrong; means he gets to learn new things.

Poking his own head over the railing, Jesse looks down the side of the building, already spotting places to grab hold or balance a foot. “There’s a few…” he mumbles, sliding back into his mother tongue. Getting to them from the balcony is the tricky part. Glancing up at the treeline, he spots an overhanging branch just close enough to grab hold and reaches up to give it a tug. It holds firm so he shifts his weight, braces, and swings himself up with a practiced ease. Jaden gapes like a fish and Jesse smirks.

“Get down!” Alexis hisses, sharp tone chasing away most of his pride. “It’s still daylight!”

Right. And he and Jaden aren’t supposed to be here. Jesse doesn’t fancy getting himself kicked out this soon. He can understand the intention behind not allowing boys in the Girls’ Dorm but the fact there’s been no indication of a similar rule for girls at the Boys’ Dorm does imply a few things. Jaden still looks starstruck when Jesse lands next to him. “Dude, teach me?”

“Sure. Later?”

“Sweetness!” Jaden bounces back into the room with an enthusiasm that, for once, looks entirely genuine and Jesse finds himself smiling too. “So what are we doing first?” Jaden looks to the girls for input.

“Well, since you’re here-” Alexis turns a confident grin in Jesse’s direction, and Jesse has to stop himself from shying away from the sudden attention. Alexis’ eyes are as sharp as her smile “I wanted to get a better look at that deck.”

Oh, okay, this is familiar. Running thumb over his deck box, Jesse feels his Beasts vibrate with anticipation. He grins. “Sure. Duel?”

“Game on.”

They spread out the cards between them on the coffee table, sitting on those pillow things the Japanese substitute for chairs. Christina bounces between rooting for Alexis and rooting for Jesse play by play.

“Who’s side are you on?” Jaden asks, chin propped on Jesse’s shoulder where it’s been pretty much the entire match.

“Both!” Christina chirps from her seat next to Alexis.

“That’s not how it works!”

Sure it is; Jesse tries to hide his laugh behind his cards. Although he’s flattered that Jaden’s apparently willing to take his side, who really wants to pick sides between friends?

Christina hums, leaning back with a suspiciously smug expression. “Should I tell you that next time Sy and Hassleberry start fighting over your attention?”

Jesse feels Jaden cringe as he pulls away. “They don’t duel over me! That’s different.”

“They did once.”

“What?! When?!”

“You were in space chilling with a dolphin man.”

“What?” Jesse jerks, misplaying his next card as he gapes at the redhead.

Christina only breaks into giggles as Jaden angrily pouts. “You’re never gonna let me live that down, are you?”

“Nope!”

“Space??” Jesse repeats in an effort to distract himself from the horrible position he just put himself in on the board as he passes the turn to Alexis. He had to have misunderstood that.

“Neo Space,” Jaden says in English which does absolutely nothing to curb Jesse’s confusion. “Not actual space. It was like…” He trails off with a frown.

“A separate plane of reality,” Hummingbird says from where he’s been perched over the game board with vested interest. “Another dimension.”

“Yeah, that.”

“Yeah what?” Alexis asks without even looking up from her cards, and Jesse automatically braces for the backlash.

“Uh, a separate plane of reality,” Jaden repeats. “Or dimension, I guess?”

“So like the Dominion,” Christina muses.

“Makes sense.” Taking out his defense, Alexis sets a card and passes the turn to Jesse.

Oh, right. Even Jaden’s friends who can’t see them too just kinda accept that he can see spirits. Feels weird to talk about it so casually, but Alexis doesn’t look bothered at all. “So what’s this Dominion place?” he asks as he draws his next card. Ah, sweet! He needed this!

“You don’t know?” The confusion in Christina’s voice pulls Jesse’s attention away from his cards again.

“No?” But now he feels like he should.

“It’s where they come from.” Christina gestures to the cards on the table. “The Dominion of the Beasts. Well, most of them.” She glances at the Neospacian perched on the arm of the couch.

Jesse should probably be less surprised that duel spirits are from an entirely different plane of existence. “And ya couldn’t have mentioned that?” he turns to grumble at the tortoise by his side.

Emerald blinks slowly and sounds far too honest as he answers, “It wasn’t relevant?”

And Jesse thought Athena had been cryptic. Actually, why hadn’t she or the other fairies ever told him about this Dominion place?

“To be fair, I don’t hear a lot of other duel spirits talk about the Dominion.” Jaden plops his chin back on Jesse’s shoulder and squints at the cards in his hand. “Oo, that one!” his hand snakes around the other side of Jesse’s head to tap a spell in his hand. “I only know about it cuz of you and Dark Magician Girl.”

“And we’ve been there,” Alexis says, and Jesse’s head snaps up again.

“Oh, yeah, that,” Jaden agrees far too casually.

This is probably the part where Jesse should just stop asking questions.

“Ugh, don’t remind me,” Christina groans flopping backwards onto the floor. “Or I’ll have to go track down Pharaoh to kick Banner’s ghost.”

“Banner’s what?” Alexis and Jaden ask at nearly the same time and Jesse is glad to finally not be the only one in the room with no idea what’s going on.

“I…” Christina hesitates, staring at the ceiling. “I don’t actually want to explain that one.”

“You can see ghosts?” Alexis stares at the other girl with no small amount of shock.

“Yup.”

“What does Pharaoh have to do with it??” Jaden almost looks afraid of the answer, and frankly, Jesse doesn’t blame him. Does this Banner guy possess the dorm cat? He’s seen that cat hang out in the rafters of Jaden’s room. And now there might be a dead guy watching them.

“You don’t want me to answer that.” Christina pulls herself back up to sit properly on her floor pillow with a sigh. Jaden squints her a while longer before turning his attention back to the nearly forgotten duel.

“Okay, but seriously, if you combo these cards-”

“No backseat duelin’!” Jesse tries to shake the other boy off as he taps the cards in Jesse’s hands again.

“I’m trying to help!” Jaden whines petulantly.

“Well yur not!” Jesse would rather fight his own battles, thank you very much, at least when it comes to a fair match like this between friends. Also Jesse can’t always follow Jaden’s scattered brained logic for card combos and still doesn’t understand how the guy won his last daily match.

"Ungrateful!" Jaden huffs, sitting back with his arms crossed and cheeks puffed out like a child. Jesse has to stop himself from reprimanding Jaden for it.

Alexis creams him. But Jesse spent half the duel distracted, so he’s not surprised. Just means they’ll have to have a rematch sometime to find out each other’s true strength. Jesse looks forward to it. By the look in Alexis’ eyes, she feels the same.

They end up smooshed together on Alexis’ bed watching movies on the obscenely large TV. Jesse stares at the screen like he’s never experienced an in-home theater and Christina has to admit the awestruck expression of complete immersion looks cute. Near the end of the movie he starts to fidget, pulling restlessly at his hoodie. Jaden didn’t even bring his jacket, so he’s just in his black t-shirt and the school issued track pants. Christina’s wearing her usual tank top and shorts, and Alexis changed into her pajamas before setting up the movie. Jesse’s the only one wearing long sleeves.

“Hey, å, do any of y’all care if I take this off?” Jesse asks as the credits roll, pulling at the white fabric.

“Was wondering why you were still wearing it,” Jaden mumbles.

“It’s...it’s my shirt,” Jesse says after a moment’s hesitation.

“Dude.” Jaden giggles against his shoulder.

He’s not wearing anything under it? Alexis sends Christina a glance and she shrugs. She sleeps at the Slifer Dorm most of the time anyway. Shirtless guys don’t bother her.

“No, that’s fine,” Alexis says.

“Cool.” Jaden sits up as Jesse pulls his hoodie up and Christina does a double take at those abs. What? She wouldn’t call it ‘chiseled’ by any means but, even in the dim light, distinctly defined muscles shift and ripple as the hoodie goes up over Jesse’s head. Hi there, pretty biceps.

“You work out?” she hears herself squeak and quickly clears her throat.

“Freerunning, mostly.”

Free what? Christina’s brain stumbles over the unfamiliar phrase. She recognizes both words but she’s never heard them mashed together like that, and just running does not give you biceps like that.

“That counts,” Alexis says. Glad one of them knows what he’s talking about. “Atticus tried it in middle school. He broke his arm and sprained his ankle.”

Jesse winces. “Yeah, it’s challenging. I’ve taken my share of tumbles.”

Okay they’re obviously not talking about just running. So what does the ‘free’ part mean? “Someone gonna explain?” Christina asks, glances between her friends. Jaden looks as confused as she does at least.

“Å…it’s like…” Jesse trails off as mumbling a few words in a language Christina doesn’t recognize. “Jumping off walls?” he tries.

The image that conjures is decidedly not the one Jesse is trying to convey. He makes a frustrated sound as Alexis reaches over Christina for her PDA. “I’ll look up a video. It’s hard to explain even without a language barrier.”

“Thanks,” Jesse mumbles, slumping into the pillows as Jaden leans on Alexis’ shoulder to peer at the screen. The video paints a much clearer picture of people running through back alleys and vaulting over walls and scaling buildings with their bare hands. It’s like the shit she and Jaden used to do in his backyard but cranked up to eleven.

“Teach me,” Jaden repeats, breathless with awe.

“Sure? It’s not something you learn overnight,” Jesse warns.

“Don’t care,” Jaden declares and flops back against the other boy’s shoulder. “You’re warm…” he sighs, immediately twisting to drape himself across Jesse.

“Å, yeah?”

Christina smirks. “Jay’s a heat leach.”

Jaden grumbles as Alexis reaches past him to place a hand on Jesse’s shoulder. “Okay, human heater goes in the middle.”

“Hva?” Jesse reacts with that word again that Christina can vaguely guess means something similar to ‘what’ in terms of expressing shock and confusion.

“Human heater goes in the middle,” she agrees and Jaden whines.

“But I wanna be middle!”

“Then you and Jesse can share the middle,” Alexis says, prompting Christina off the bed with her to make room for the shift. “Now come on, scoot.”

Whining the entire way, Jaden wiggles across the bed, dragging a still very much confused Jesse with him. A quick game of roshambo later, Alexis glares at her traitorous fist while Christina crawls in on Jesse’s other side. Ohhh, he is warm…

They debate over their next movie before finally throwing another one on. Christina doesn’t remember the end of it.

Jesse wakes with his face in a pillow, sandwiched between warm bodies and Jaden on top of his back.

He could get used to this.

#gxmonth2021 #jesse anderson #johan andersen #jaden yuki #yuki judai #alexis rhodes #tenjoin asuka #ygo gx #yugioh gx #yu gi oh gx #long post

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dreamsister81 · 4 years ago

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Jeff and MI:

By age, you fit in the G.I.T generation, but you obviously are not one of them...

These facilities are a mystery to me. There they tell you only one thing: hurry up! This leads you nowhere, afterwards your own children run away from you. Through these trainings you get to know women, you get to know men, music is inoculated into people who have no feeling for it; then they can only scare other people or insult them...

I was in this terrible place too, by the way-G.I.T That was a complete waste of time, apart from the theoretical lessons and the friends that I had there. Otherwise: an absolute wrong decision.

How long have you studied there?

One year, the normal program. They give you tons of material, you have to absorb everything, you practice, you are tested and you go to the next course. An intensive support with development is simply not possible. I did so many things: theory, single string technique, jazz class, rock class, all sorts of genres. My friend John was teaching bass there, and he once said that there is not a single teacher at the institute who says to the students, "OK, you're learning all this stuff here now, you're learning how to entertain people and you're learning to learn. But do you even know that there is no one in the universe other than yourself who plays the music you play? " John left the school then. For me it was all a joke that cost me $ 3,900. People interested in music should take private lessons somewhere, start a band, do something with people who like them and have what it takes. These schools are a scene in their own right, a very small, secluded world-the music, on the other hand, is gigantic and open. If you don't notice it, you miss a lot of magic, pain, development...(thinks) and rock! Apart from Paul Gilbert, there was no one there who really rocked. Session musicians are bred there; and at the end of the year you get a piece of paper that says, "Now you have the skills to become a professional musician." Well, congratulations! And then you look for jobs and play what other people want. But that's not all the music, there's something else isn't there? Where's the music coming from? From your own head or stomach, or the concepts of the people you work for?-Gitarre & Bass, October, 1995

I had a friend named John Humphrey. I went to this really crappy guitar school for a year, and he used to teach there, he was a bass teacher. And then he left, and we ended up being roommates later on, after I graduated. This is the kind of school where you give them a shitload of money in order to spend a year learning their curriculum.

What was it, G.I.T. (Guitar Institute of Technology in Los Angeles)?

Yeah, it was G.I.T.. They give you their curriculum, and it's not too comprehensive, but it's just enough, and then you can [snaps his fingers] move on to the next thing. And pretty soon you have all this shit inside you and then they give you this paper that says you have what it takes to be a professional musician.

It's a rock-oriented thing, isn't it?

In the end, I think, the only true product of that kind of learning is to get you gigs on the studio circuit and to get you gigs on the session guy circuit.

So, Lee Ritenour went there or something?

G.I.T. was started by Howard Roberts, the guy who played the wah-wah guitar on the theme to Shaft. And this other guy named Pat Hayes. I don't know. It just seemed like a racket, really. John said a lot of things to me that stuck in my mind. He said that there was nobody who stopped you, sat you in a room and said, okay, we have all these artists that you're learning the licks from, you have your guitar heroes, your virtuoso lust objects. But there's nobody who can make the kind of music you can make now except for you. And you can make it now. You don't even have to know how to go fast. And that makes all the sense to me in the world. It's also kind of an unseen process, that concept, originality. It's like that in all the education systems; there's never any real...identity education, self-generative identity art sort of thing, to be yourself. If everybody in Melbourne had a Wurlitzer organ and had the passion to sing something or make something, you'd have hundreds of thousands of different styles, if they were coming exactly from only their DNA, only their makeup, and their emotional percepts, their idea about what art is. You could have way-removed genres from what is already accepted, avante-garde country-rock-punk-folk-whatever. It's unlimited. But for some reason, the conventions always take over and there's a very ready and powerful formula to step into...

Those are the type of [formula-derived] players who can say, "Well, I was listening to the radio in 1967 and I heard the guitar solo in Jimi Hendrix's 'All Along the Watchtower,' and that guitar sound, that tone, would work perfectly for this television commercial."

Yeah. See? "Stealing from the greats, that's okay." That's right. Once I stopped in [at G.I.T.] years later, when I was on tour going through L.A., just to see what it was like. They've got a completely high-tech, multi-million dollar facility...

More so than when you had been there?

Way more. When I was there, it was just a ragtag bunch of teachers, and they had all left by then. They had video facilities and a class for stage moves and all kinds of things. And I saw this guy who was working the desk, the guy who watches the door. He had a bass on, and he was practicing his Nirvana chops! He was playing "In Bloom" on his bass, way up on his chest, jazz-fusion style, to the Nirvana song. I thought, oh shit--he was practicing his grunge riffs! He was getting his grunge down! Best fucking thing you can do, if you have the interest, is go to a private teacher, go someplace, some college, and learn theory. That was something I really enjoyed, actually, something that wasn't totally pointless. Theory meaning the meaning of the musical nomenclature. I was attracted to really interesting harmonies, stuff that I would hear in Ravel, Ellington, Bartok.-Double Take, February 29, 1996

Once the site of a seakeasy and a bra factory, the 30,000-square-foot quarters were now the home of Musicians Institute, a vocational school for anyone who considered himself or herself a serious musician. With its wooden desks and chipped-tile hallways, MI resembled any other urban school, but at those desks, student guitarists and drummers studied scales and power chords in hopes of becoming the next Eddie Van Halen or Neil Peart, the flashy drummer with Rush. On their way to class each morning, flaxen-haired guitar gods in training could be spotted holding their guitars and practicing licks as they walked down Hollywood Boulevard.

Jeff had heard about Musicians Institute (and its subdivision, the Guitar Institute of Technology) while in high school and told everyone it was his one and only destination. However, potential superstardom did not run cheap. The school charged $4,000 for its one year course, and by the time Jeff Graduated from Loara High School, Mary Guibert was beginning to fall on hard financial times as she went in and out of jobs. In need of money for herself and her two sons, she prematurely broke into a $20,000 fund earmarked for Jeff, but only after he tured nineteen. Once Mary proved to the courtsthat Jeff needed it for his education, he and Mary received it a year early. In a deep irony, the father Jeff had barely met and increasingly resented would be paying his son's way through music school.

On graduation night, September 15, 1985, at the Odyssey in Granada Hills in the San Fernando Valley, Jeff, Stoll, and Marryatt closed the ceremony by playing Weather Report's "Pearl On the Half Shell."-from Dream Brother

With its 30-odd thousand feet of floor space and row upon row of "labs", where hopeful guitar heroes could jam with such shit-hot players as Scott Henderson, LA's Musician's Institute must have seemed like nirvana for someone like Jeff Buckley, trapped as he was behind the Orange Curtain. According to his buddy Chris Dowd, that's exactly why Buckley enrolled there, arriving just before autumn, 1984, bankrolled by $4,000 that Mary managed to squeeze from a Tim Buckley trust fund.

Originally known as the Guitar Institute, which in itself says plenty, the school was opened in 1977. Drawing on the educational philosophy of journeyman guitarist Howard Roberts, it was co-founded and managed by Los Angeles music businessman Pat Hicks, "a real shyster opportunist", in the words of Tom Chang, an expat Canadian who would become very tight with Jeff Buckley during their two years at the Institute. In 1978, thr Bass Institute was opened, followed by the Percussion Institute two years later. Desppite Hicks' questionable business ethics-amongst other things, he'd hire students as cheap labour to do essential maintenance work on the building, which led to Buckley being hired as an electrician's assistant soon after graduating-he did manage to persuade well regarded players and bands to lecture, and play alongside, the hopefuls who'd enrolled there.

What Buckley lacked up in "front" he clearly made up for in ambition. That was proved, in spades, by Buckley's graduation performance which was played out on September 15, 1985, at a venue called the Odyssey in Granada Hills. While the sonic crush and enviable chops of Rush and Led Zeppelin still rocked the world of this Orange County teen, Buckley had also developed a real taste for such "noodlers" as Weather Report.

The number chosen by Buckley for graduation was their "D Flat Waltz" (not "Pearl On The Half-Shell", as documented elsewhere, which they'd performed at a previous event), a typically complicated few minutes of Weather Report neo-fusion-a "really cool piece, very involved", according to Tom Chang-and a standout from their 1983 set Domino Theory. But Buckley, accompanied by Stoll on drums and Marryatt on bass, didn't just play the piece, he also wrote the individual parts out beforehand for the band.-from A Pure Drop

MI pics by me

#jeff buckley #MI #Musicians Institute #GIT #mylove #supremebeing #favorite #music #jeff places

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komahinasecretexchange · 4 years ago

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Title: maybe not star-crossed (but daybreak)

Author: @fieldofsunflowers8

For: @emmakoneko

Pairings: Hinata Hajime / Komaeda Nagito

Additional Characters: Kamukura Izuru, Nanami Chiaki

Rating: M

Warnings: No specific warning applies beside the ones that could be applied in Danganronpa in general

Prompt: Hajime realising he loves Nagito.

Author’s notes: hi!!! this is my exchange piece for the komahina secret exchange!!! this was super super fun to write, and i really hope my giftee likes it! special thanks to my friend for looking over this and making sure it’s coherent :D have a good day, loves!

Hinata Hajime is not a romantic, but romance fills his thoughts anyway.

It’s an identifier that isn’t exactly of importance, of course. Romance on Jabberwock Island, specifically in the aftermath of the Neo World Program, is something privately kept by each individual pairing. Occasionally, it’ll be the subject of harmless speculation on the slow days, but overall, it is just… a part of life.

A part of life that most of them never got to fully experience.

A part of life that Hinata doesn’t necessarily need to have a piece of.

A part of life that he wants, all the same.

He isn’t certain if it’s the influence of Kamukura on him that makes him hesitate in the face of it. The other is a lull in the back of his head most of the time, diminishing everything to uninteresting, and yet seamlessly taking control when Hinata gives the slightest hint of needing help, slipping into the role of the Ultimate Talent easily. It’s a difficult dynamic, and it would be a lie to consider it a linear sort of thing– lines blur when you are made to become another person, and further, residing with that person in the headspace.

Hinata wonders if, before it all happened, back at Hope’s Peak Academy in the suffocating reserve course dorms, with little to hope for… he maybe pined after romance in a desperate way, if he wanted something to break the suffocating silence, if it would all really be any different to him now.

It’s not something he needs right now, which is what he tries to convince himself matters the most. He has enough overwhelming quiet, and even more overwhelming noise. He has tasks to commit to– even though all of the Remnants have awakened, there are Future Foundation members to call, emails to send, resources to manage, buildings to reconstruct, surgeries to conduct… it keeps him busy, to say the least.

(He hardly allows himself more than the clinical, repetitive process of healing. Not his own healing– that is far from the forefront of his mind. Rather, constructing robot arms and extracting rotting body parts and starting up chemotherapy. For the others. Not him,

never him.)

Prioritizing romance is selfish, in all cases. Putting it before himself and everyone on the island, losing himself in the want of something he isn’t even sure he could recognize, if he saw it in front of him, if he had a flickering chance of love… it’s selfish. Excess. A lapse.

However, there is still a kind of yearning he keeps in the back of his mind, in the endlessly swallowing part of his throat, in the throes of his heart. A sort of fixation, solely focused on a single individual, who keeps him awake through restless nights and sends him directly to the infirmary for more work, who leads him to discover new places on the island that the person tends to frequent, who leaves him with an unfamiliar warmth that his body rejects like a disease because love is not-

One that defies all his wants and needs, all his thoughts on relationships and the others, all his thoughts on the person whom he thought he hated more than anything.

One fixated on Komaeda Nagito.

And this is where his doubt is born.

–

The first time he hears the name Komaeda Nagito is in a time before the seeds of despair were planted by his hands, before The Project became more than just a whisper of Hope’s Peak conspiracy and research. He hears it from Nanami Chiaki, before she became just a program, before an entire class gave into despair at the sight of her death.

He hears it from her at the fountain. Their fountain, he has taken to calling it, because while they aren’t exactly the only people to come here, they are most certainly the two students who frequent it the most. Before, it was a place to admire Hope’s Peak from a distance (one he maintained out of respect, or maybe self-hatred, or maybe an amalgamation of both), but after meeting Nanami, the cynical tones of the setting were replaced with a sort of safe haven.

It’s now comforting, for him, to hear the sound of her game starting up against the sound of rushing water, leaves and blossoms fluttering around them as the sun lights up the campus around them.

In all honesty, it’s easy to get lost in the surroundings, in his own thoughts, especially when he has the space to. Nanami rarely presses any matter, unless it is something she’s particularly passionate about, so Hinata zoning out isn’t exactly an issue for her. It’s not like she doesn’t do the same. Which leaves them with a pretty nice relationship, because either of them are free to completely lose themselves in their thoughts without having to make small talk.

However, he does jar himself back to reality to pay attention to the game she’s playing– it’s a survival game, which is sort of exciting, because that’s the kind of video game he thinks he’d be best at– and listens to the soft breath she always takes before she starts to speak.

“Do you know a lot of Ultimates, Hinata-kun?” is what she asks, her voice as dreamy as usual.

It’s sort of a harsh question unintentionally, since it sort of nags at the parts of him that wishes he could be an Ultimate, would do anything to be an Ultimate, but he shoves that down and keeps his voice casual. (It’s not a big deal, anyway. Nanami affirms him of his worth a lot, and really, he should just… accept that things are the way that they are. But it’s really, really not that easy. Not when everything seems to loom above him, dangling promises of talent and hope).

“Uh, not really?” he answers tentatively. “I mean, I know Koizumi, and I sort of know Kuzuryuu because I’m friends with his sister.” Friends is probably not the right word for it, but being her friend is pretty much impossible. “And I know you, of course. But, I dunno about the others.”

“Mm,” she hums. She focuses back on her game for a while, and Hinata focuses right alongside her, but she ends up speaking again only a few moments later. “I was just thinking… a lot of my classmates would really like you.”

“Oh?” He leans forward, just a bit. “I don’t really know much about them, but maybe?”

It’s not really relevant, in any case, or possible, because I’m a reserve. So, why do I want to entertain this impossibility?

“Well, I can tell you about some of them.” There’s some passion in her voice, underneath the languid sort of pace her words take.

He shrugs. “Sure.”

She opens her inventory as sort of a pause screen, organizing all of the items while talking. “There’s Mioda-san. She’s… sorta loud, but she’s the Ultimate Musician, so that makes sense, I think. She’s really optimistic, she likes bright colors… reminds me of a dancing game… you’d get along with her, probably.” The idea that Hinata could be friends with someone like Mioda Ibuki is unsettling in a hopeless way, but he’s interested in the descriptions regardless. “She gets along well with Pekoyama-san, who’s the Ultimate Swordswoman. She’s really pretty and quiet; she’s defensive over Kuzuryuu-kun, too. Like a Skyrim housecarl, kinda. I remember Komaeda-kun saying something, once, and she was immediately at Kuzuryuu-kun’s defense. I don’t think Komaeda-kun meant it badly, though.”

Hinata tilts his head. “Who’s Komaeda?”

Nanami bites her lip, stacking some potions before saying, “He’s the Ultimate Lucky Student. He’s… sort of an outcast, I think, but he cares about the class a lot. I wish he would talk to us more.” She puffs out her cheeks in a cute way. “You might like him… but you also might hate him. Maybe.”

“Why would I hate him?” From what Hinata’s hearing, maybe dislike would make sense, but hate sort of implies he would have done something… really off.

“Mm… Komaeda-kun has strong views on talent and hope. It might annoy you, but…” she sighs. “I dunno.”

That’s a vague description, but it gives Hinata enough information to sort of… make inferences. Of course, Hinata sort of expected some Ultimates to view talent as superiority, and he knew that some of the adults believed it, but to hear it being an actual thing from someone his age… sort of sucks. At least the rest of the class seems to not agree with it.

But… is Hinata really sure of that?

In any case, he tunes back into the way Nanami continues talking about her classmates, about a sheepish mechanic and a princess she seems to have a slight crush on. He laughs along with her, listens with intrigue and fascination at some of the things her class has done and somehow not gotten expelled for, and feels the sense of peace grow overtime (alongside his quiet bitterness).

All the while, though, part of his mind thinks about Komaeda with a… weird sort of interest.

(And for some reason, Hinata wants to both avoid him as much as possible– which might be a bit harsh, admittedly– and also… maybe meet him.)

–

Hinata doesn’t sleep well.

His sleep patterns vary. Sometimes, he falls asleep in a random place– he’s been found on the floor of the dining hall and at the beach, once, both instances embarrassing– and stays asleep for the better part of a day, barely brushing below twenty hours as he restores his energy. Then, he pushes himself, neglecting rest for three days straight until he downright collapses again.

He tends to get nightmares, too. When he’s sleeping deeply and for a long time, it’s not enough to jar him. When he first woke up from the Neo World Program, though, they were relentless, leaving him paranoid and guilty constantly for all he has done to his friends– his family, now.

His family that he needs to stay awake to care for. His family he has to keep intact– physically and mentally.

(He remembers that, for a week, all he saw in his dreams was a burning warehouse.)

He doesn’t sleep well, working on restocking and labelling all the medications they have in the infirmary, and he finds that none of the others sleep well, either. Some sleep too much, some function on caffeine and nothing else. But there’s one other person on the island that varies with Hinata, not exactly the same but similarly.

Komaeda.

Hinata’s been monitoring Komaeda’s progress closely, almost closer than the way he fusses over the others. Komaeda’s health is precarious, even with the rotting flesh of Enoshima’s arm fully removed from his body, and one of the facets of his lifestyle that directly impacts his not-ideal progress is his shitty sleep schedule.

A simple example: he falls asleep at 4:00 PM, wakes up at around 7:29 PM. He goes to the dining hall, all of the other inhabitants having finished dinner and retired to their rooms for the later parts of the afternoon, and eats a worryingly small portion of dinner. He goes to his room, stays up for hours, and falls again the following day at 10:00 PM, successfully bypassing lunch and repeating the process.

It’s horrible in every possible way– it doesn’t do wonders for his prognoses and mental health, and Hinata doesn’t like the dark circles under his eyes that grow more familiar with each progressing day.

(It doesn’t suit his face. Because, well, Hinata can acknowledge that Komaeda is very, very pretty. But the shadows are… worrying. He still looks beautiful, but he looks more fragile than he’s ever been, even in the green pods, and Hinata wonders why he’s worried in a way beyond medical observation.)

However, there is one benefit to it, a meek silver lining that could hardly be considered one at all: Komaeda and Hinata end up accidentally interacting quite a lot. Komaeda follows lights– buildings with fluorescents open, signalling that Hinata is currently occupying them– and Hinata follows the soft sounds of Komaeda hanging out at the beach, throwing rocks into the ocean or tripping on some ridges and yelping.

The latter ends up happening when he exits the infirmary and sees in the distance a white-haired man face first on the beach shore, and he sighs in a way that isn’t fully exasperated as he walks over to help him out (maybe fond, maybe fond).

Komaeda tilts his face, his cheek still buried in sand, and looks up at Hinata. He decisively accepts his help, straightening himself out and brushing the sand off his pants with a smile. His voice is cheerful– far too cheerful for 5:00 AM– as he says, “Good morning, Hinata-kun! I’m so sorry you had to see me in such a disgraceful way!”

Hinata rolls his eyes. “You weren’t disgraceful. You just tripped. Also, why are you even out here?”

Komaeda’s lips curl slyly. “Do you even have to ask, Hinata-kun?”

“Ah.” Fair enough. “Well, you should, uh, try to get some sleep.”

“Will Hinata-kun get some sleep?”

It’s equally frustrating to talk to Komaeda and get him to do anything… and interesting. There’s also a bit of heat that wants to pour into his cheeks, something he fights with a poker face, at the idea that Komaeda cares about his sleep schedule. Technically, a lot of people on the island do, but it all comes back to the inexplicable feelings he has around the other. In any case, Komaeda’s due for an answer. “I was actually heading back to my cabin to do that.” It’s sort of a lie. Sort of.

(He was probably going to lay awake, staring at the ceiling again. Maybe he’ll think about the other, maybe he’ll think about everything else.)

“Can I come with you?” Komaeda asks.

Hinata squints. “… Why? How would that help either of us sleep?”

“It could be relaxing to be near another person,” Komaeda defends, his logic slightly flawed. “But I understand that being around me is absolutely dreadful, and I shouldn’t impose even the disturbing thought upon another person. I apologize for that, Hinata-kun! I’ll get out of your sight, now!”

“Wait,” Hinata finds himself saying before Komaeda can actually leave. The other stops and looks at him, a curious but not demanding expression in his murky grey eyes. It’s sort of cute. Hinata isn’t sure why, why he looks at the other in that way.

It’s with a defeated sigh that he says, “You can come with me,”

and Komaeda’s eyes light up in a way that’s really, really endearing.

–

The first time he meets Komaeda is a month after his conversation with Nanami.

Stress has settled onto his shoulders, making a permanent residence there, as exams approach at increasingly rapid paces and life-changing emails chase him forward, forward, forward. He finds little enjoyment in his spaces between classes, isolating himself up in his room and hardly having time to reply to any of his friends (not that there’s an overwhelming number of people on that list). Occasionally he takes a break, but these times just remind him that he has so much to do, so much to consider, his entire life might change with a few signatures and-

-he needs a breather.

He ends up leaving half-finished history homework on his tiny desk, nearly tripping over his laundry bin in exhaustion as he makes his way out of the dorms. He figures a small walk might do him some good, since he’s hardly seen the sun as of recent and it might be less intimidating to think through things when he has fresh air to breathe and the soft ambience of nature surrounding him.

He hums to himself for the first part of his walk, careful to stay out of the way of others, but he eventually falls into silence as the number of people around him dwindles. He’s tired– he’s so, so fucking tired– and he should probably be adjusted to fatigue and restless nights, since he’s not exactly new to overworking himself, but he hasn’t. Not fully. And God, he’d probably kill for a nap, for someone to hear him scream everything he thinks, to go to a completely different school for a few days and relax.

But would he even want that? Would he know what to do with so much free time? Would it even be okay, going to a place that would view him as equal, not endlessly lesser than another sector of the school? Would it even make sense to be worth something, when he has spent so long not being worth anything?

It’s in this rumination that he ends up near him and Nanami’s fountain, and he almost expects to see her there…

… but instead, he sees someone else.

The Main Course uniform is the first thing he sees, the red tie loose around the Ultimate’s neck, their jacket still buttoned properly. They must have been out there for a while, since their white hair, unruly atop their head, is slightly ruffled from the wind. Their grey-green eyes that remind Hinata of mercury he had seen in chemistry class is focused on the pavement, but looks up when Hinata’s footsteps grow closer. On their face, there’s a pleasant smile, one that Hinata finds strikingly pretty…

… one that disappears when they make eye contact with Hinata.

He can’t say he expected anything other than this.

“I thought reserve course classes were still in session,” they muse, which is an interesting conversation starter in any case. Paired with the way they were almost glaring at Hinata, it left him with… an unsettling feeling.

“They, uh, aren’t,” he replies eloquently. “They ended a bit ago.”

“Ah.” They smile, slightly, but it looks… more cold than friendly. “Can I get a name? Or should I just refer to you as ‘reserve-kun’?”

Hinata quickly decides he doesn’t like this person. “Uh, Hinata Hajime.”

They nod. “Komaeda Nagito.”

That name is… kind of familiar.

Oh. Oh. That’s the name of Nanami’s classmate. The Ultimate Lucky Student, who has strong views on talent and hope, if he remembers Nanami’s words correctly. Someone that Hinata would either like or hate– and it is strongly veering towards the later– someone who is a bit of an outcast. Someone who Hinata isn’t sure if he should have a lot of pity for, or none at all.

He’s heard more stories since, ones where Komaeda is a background character. He’s gotten the vague idea that aside from his unsettling opinions, he also tends to be an overall concerning individual, with a shocking inferiority complex, calling himself trash near constantly. It seemed to worry Nanami, which in turn worried Hinata.

But from the way this guy is talking, it doesn’t really seem like this guy feels inferior at all. At least, not compared to Hinata. Which is…

… not surprising.

Hinata isn’t really sure how to progress the conversation, especially one that started this oddly, so he figures he should make do with this new information, asking, “Oh, you know Nanami, right?”

“Nanami-san is my classmate, yes.” He tilts his head to the side and sits up a bit straighter. “You must be the reserve she’s friends with, then. In retrospect, I remember she’s mentioned your name once or twice. I thought she was kidding.”

Yeah. Hinata definitely doesn’t like this guy. “Well. She wasn’t.”

“So it seems.”

This conversation is going nowhere. “Well, I’m gonna go. And, uh. Finish my walk. So-”

Before Hinata can leave, Komaeda speaks up. “Don’t you feel awe, Hinata-kun, walking around Hope’s Peak, looking at a school filled with such hope and talent?” He punctuates those words, wrapping his arms around himself and looking up at Hinata. “Doesn’t it put you in your place? Knowing that you’re a stepping stone for hope, just here to further the Ultimates’ abilities? Isn’t it beautiful, so beautiful that you know you’re unworthy of it? Do you have another purpose aside from this, or do you put your value in mindlessly pacing the perimeter of Hope’s Peak Ac-”

“What the hell are you even talking about?” Hinata interrupts. This guy looks really worked up over the random bullshit he’s saying. He’s managed to get under Hinata’s skin really fast– which, yeah, Hinata has kind of a temper, but Jesus Christ.

This must be the whole concerning thing.

Komaeda just smiles wider. “You’re rather disrespectful for a reserve. Shouldn’t you be worshipping me? I mean, I’m utterly worthless in every possible way and deserve to be destroyed like the filth I am– but at least I’m an Ultimate.”

Hinata gives up, walking away from the other and running an agitated hand through his hair. He can hear Komaeda laughing raspily, still at the fountain, and it just forces his steps to go quicker.

(The most aggravating part of all of that is that it hurt. It shouldn’t– the opinion of a slightly-unhinged, annoying, pretty Ultimate shouldn’t hurt him. But it did.

Because there was some truth in that mess of shit he was saying. Hinata is inferior. Hinata would always be inferior to the Ultimates he looks up to– not as much as Komaeda said, but still. The whole being a stepping stone thing, he didn’t get, but… he is unworthy of this place. That much is true. That much hurts.)

He decides, without much hesitation, not to mention the encounter to anyone.

–

“Uh, make yourself at home, I guess,” Hinata says when Komaeda steps into his cottage, his eyes wide as he looks around the scene. Which is fair– Hinata hasn’t exactly had time to clean the place, and he’s sort of a restless sleeper, so it’s a shitshow of a mess, as of current. Komaeda’s room, from what Hinata’s seen, is a lot neater than this, so hopefully he isn’t all that judging.

(Not that Hinata really cares about Komaeda’s thoughts on his cabin.)

“Thank you, Hinata-kun,” Komaeda replies politely, sitting on the edge of the bed. Hinata sits beside him, and they both ignore the bed sheets that are tangled at their feet. “Once again, I apologize for intruding.”

“I invited you,” Hinata points out.

Komaeda frowns a bit. “Well, yes, but-”

“I wouldn’t have invited you if I didn’t want you here. I don’t exactly do things out of pity or kindness when I’ve been awake for over a day,” he states bluntly.

The other stares at him with a weird expression in his eye, something like understanding. “Ah.”

“Yeah.” Hinata kicks the sheets. “Speaking of.”

“Are you going to sleep, Hinata-kun?” Komaeda sort of teases, but there’s a level of seriousness in it. Hinata sort of hates the way the other makes him feel like he’s fucking up by neglecting himself (which is sort of an oxymoron in thought, but). It’s something Komaeda has always done– made Hinata feel like a fuck up, that is– but it’s sort of different, now, when it’s more of a constructive criticism than a blatant attack.

He’s not sure how he feels about the change.

“I was going to talk about you sleeping, actually,” he retorts, clearing his throat.

Komaeda smiles mischievously. “Did you invite me here just to watch me sleep? How flattering, Hinata-kun, but I assure you I would not be able to do harm to others or myself whilst asleep.”

“That’s,” he takes a deep breath, “not what I meant.”

“Ah, okay. Sorry for assuming!”

“It’s fine?” It sounds too much like a question to his ears, but. Whatever. “I just meant, like. I’m sort of concerned about your health.”

“This doesn’t seem like the mood to discuss this,” Komaeda observes.

Hinata blinks. “Was there a specific mood set by any of this?”

Komaeda looks unimpressed. “Hinata-kun, we’re in your room at 5:00 AM, spending time together. I don’t think this is ideal for a medical visit– especially considering how exhausted you are. I thought you were more trying to be a person than a doctor, right now.”

… There’s some truth in that. There’s some pain in that. Hinata doesn’t try to be inhuman in any way, but he knows, deep down, that it’s a difficult task to accomplish. Months of conditioning combined with the instinctual drive for survival resulted in Kamukura’s eternal boredom and apathy to manifest as a defense mechanism, one that Hinata employs in situations that aren’t necessarily defense-requiring. Like administering medicine, or investigating his own psyche, or trying to breach any topic with Komaeda.

He hates it, but it’s part of him, neither nature nor nurture. Just… a trait, forced upon him, one he has to adapt to.

“Hinata-kun?” Komaeda’s smile is thin. “I apologize for overstepping!”

“It’s fine.” He sort of has a headache. Maybe he should sleep. “You’re right. Sorry.”

“Ah, Hinata-kun doesn’t have to apologize! He can do whatever he likes! I still appreciate him regardless!” he reassures enthusiastically, in an almost adoring way.

… And. The thing is.

Hinata has been viscerally aware of Komaeda’s attraction to him ever since he awoke from the Neo World Program. It didn’t take overwhelming amounts of self reflection and memory analysis to realize that Komaeda has had feelings for him, ever since the Despair Era, when neither of them were the person they are now or were before it all began. It’s present in Servant’s endless worship and Komaeda’s subtle (and sometimes, less subtle) affections.

It’s something that Hinata thought, initially, he could just… accept. The fact that the other likes him is simply a fact of life, like the fact that this same individual is still suffering from frontotemporal dementia and lymphoma, like the fact that the other has trauma neither of them can even begin to impact, like the fact that Hinata is privy to entirely too much about the other that he’s hardly aware of.

This is why his yearning and fondness for Komaeda, despite his conflicting thoughts of romance, takes him by surprise. The idea that Komaeda’s affections could be requited is a shocking concept to both of them, one that might be earth-shattering or simply a natural progression of their current behavior. It’s a thought that he keeps in the back of his mind, primarily, believing that not much can be done until Komaeda heals.

And yet, it surfaces in the quiet moments like this, where Komaeda has that energetically adoring expression, where the moonlight accentuates his face in a pretty way that will only get more beautiful with daybreak, where Hinata is just staring at him mindlessly. It surfaces like this, and Hinata wonders, to himself, if he loves the other.

If this is how it comes to him.

“Hinata-kun?”

Or maybe it’s just a lapse.

“I’m tired,” he replies, which isn’t a proper response but it is the only thing he can find himself saying, right then.

Komaeda nods and starts to stand up, “Ah, okay! I apologize if I bored you, I know I can tend to do that. I hope you sleep well, Hinata-kun-”

Hinata catches his wrist.

“Maybe,” he inhales. “You can stay? And sleep beside me?”

Komaeda’s face shifts, emotions spreading across his face like auroras, but they’re quickly stifled by another smile, one that seems a bit more genuine. “Ah, of course! Whatever Hinata-kun wants.” He takes the eagerness Komaeda exhibits while taking off his shoes and scooting to the center of the bed as confirmation that Komaeda wants this as well.

It’s odd how Hinata has the courage to ask something like that, despite everything.

Hinata draws the curtains closed, hoping that the sun won’t wake them up, and he slips beside Komaeda in bed. The other adjusts well to sleeping in someone else’s bed, all things considered, but he looks fairly stiff all the same. Hinata knows there’s nothing he can do to change his slight discomfort– anything he could do would be a bit too courageous, and he’s already expressed a lot of bravery considering that he’s more contemplative than rash, at the moment.

So he lays down beside him, facing the other who faces away, and he finds himself tracing the contours of his body (innocuous and entirely unrelated to medical concerns), the way his hair curls against his nape, how his hands lay at his sides. It calms him to study the other, and he wonders if that is love, if all of this is love, even if he has a thousand other concerns.

It takes a pathetically short five minutes before he says, “Komaeda…?”

“Yes, Hinata-kun?” Komaeda still sounds awake. He wonders if he was planning on sleeping at all.

He breathes out a soft exhale. “Can we talk?”

–

He does not see Komaeda again until after despair overcomes the world.

But by then, both him and Komaeda are separate people. The memories prior to the creation of himself– Kamukura Izuru, that being– are vague and only documented in a diary that Hinata Hajime struggled to maintain. And Servant, while not suffering direct memory loss of everything regarding Hope’s Peak Academy, does not appear to want to verbally recall anything regarding the school to Kamukura. This could be from lack of trust. This could be his nature.

They meet in a bloodied street, bodies scattered across the asphalt in an unpleasing way. From an aesthetic standpoint, it is disgusting, but Kamukura does not necessarily dislike it. He does not dislike anything.

He only finds this despair base.

Servant’s hands are dirtied from crusted blood, which is to be expected. His hair is awry, his face in a considerably tormented frown, and his attire is dirtied aside from his chain that drags obnoxiously loud on the pavement.

Kamukura clears his throat.

His face shifts drastically when he sees Kamukura, which is the most interesting part of his appearance, as of current, and he immediately drops to his knees. It is certainly an interesting display, yet predictable, and Servant’s voice is raspy when he says, “Kamukura Izuru.”

“So you have heard of me.” That is understandable. The only reason Kamukura is at this location, after all, is because Enoshima requested prior to her death that Kamukura take ownership of Servant. She had considered it a present to him, but Kamukura finds nothing to be a gift, especially when it is at her hands.

One of her hands is severed and attached in place of where Servant’s would be. Expectable.

“You’re the Ultimate Hope,” he breathes. “I- I have been looking for you-”

“How convenient,” he cuts off his likely obnoxious rambling. He does not want to hear about his godhood from the lens of a worshipper. “As I was looking for you.”

Servant’s face flushes. “You were looking for me? Ahaha, I’m sure you must be mistaken.”

“Enoshima stated that in her death, you were to be my property. Transitive ownership.” His face twists at the sound of her name, which is not necessarily expected, but can be easily explained retroactively. “You are mindlessly idling, as of current. You plan to travel to Towa City, but have not done so yet. You have killed seventeen people directly in your time of being a Remnant of Despair, but you are growing bored.”

Despite his wide eyes and droll expression, Servant is clever enough to catch on. “You would like me to travel with you, Kamukura-kun? I warn you, I am useless in every possible way and unworthy of your presence.”

Kamukura glares at him. “I will determine that.”

“… Understood.” Servant hesitates before standing up, and there is shocking amounts of excitement in his expression. “I apologize for being overeager, I’ve never travelled with someone like this before. Someone like you before.”

“That is to be expected,” Kamukura says as he begins to walk, stepping over corpses with grace as the Remnant beside him trips and stumbles, babbling about despair and hope and talent all the way.

From there, an attachment forms. They continue to travel in this manner, relocating from place to place with little but each other’s companionship (and what they can find, in this cataclysmic scenario– assorted piles of canned vegetables and month-old water bottles). Along the way grows learning, basic answers to questions that benefit both of them only slightly, though prove to be boring, as Kamukura does not have a favorite color or movie or food. But the basis of small talk leads to a more expanded exploration of morality, of death and life and the liminality of such matters, philosophy and physics and their prediction for where the world will be.

Kamukura discovers, then, that Servant is not capable of matching him in intelligence. However, he nears close to having this ability, exhibiting his cleverness in a distinctly separate way than how Enoshima enforced her analytical prowess upon her victims. It is refreshing, to have this difference. It is refreshing, by extension, to have him.

That is how the evolution of their relationship begins.

Sexual ties between them have been present from the start. Servant is poor at concealing his overwhelming attraction to the other, and Kamukura has curiosities he was not interested in exploring with Enoshima. Thus begins tumultuous, albeit safe to an extent, exploratory intercourse, which Kamukura finds not particularly boring.

Then becomes an inherent domesticity in residing together, in sharing beds (although, Servant only allows himself to sleep beside Kamukura if he is particularly in pain, that day. Kamukura does not necessarily mind if Servant continues to sleep beside him, but it is a matter of principle that is tedious to undo, especially with no distinct want to commit effort to it). Along with sleeping together, there is having meals together, defending each other from robotic Monokumas when it becomes necessary, and even reading together.

It is all not particularly interesting. It is all not particularly boring. It exists in a grey area that Kamukura struggles to define.

He dislikes struggling.

There is a particular day, once, that he would consider lucky (were he to indulge in this thought towards Servant, the other would likely break down) due to the numerous realizations had. The primary one, and the most convoluted one by far, is the realization that he is perhaps infatuated with the other.

It comes whilst Servant is asleep, his body bare aside from the marring of bruises and hickeys, thin sheets layered in dust resting atop him. Kamukura observes him from where he sits at the edge of the bed, admiring the way the red sky highlights Servant’s body in an almost rosy way, porcelain skin glimmering with red contours that made the Ultimate Artist in Kamukura transfixed. Part of him desired to reach out and trace his body on impulse– and it would not be the first time he sought touch out of poorly placed impulse. However, he refrains.

A small part of him– a romantic, likely, in all but practice– finds that touching him may, perhaps, detract from the natural beauty he exudes. It is not like Kamukura is anything other than manmade.

This is a thought that crosses his mind often. Rather, the latter is. However, with Servant in his life as a catalyst, the frequency of such thoughts rapidly accelerates, and he finds a sense of permanence in the other. Something he is rather interested in exploring, given the time. There are many, many inquiries he would indulge in, given the time.

They are not given time.

He had prepared an injection in advance, one to make Servant unconscious for approximately 48 hours. It is enough time to execute a procedure that would remove Servant’s memories of Kamukura, a similar procedure that he will attempt to repeat on himself (he has done thorough research into lobotomies due to his experiences. Even without this research, it would not be a particularly difficult task. However, his emotions pose a hindrance). He is aware that he should inject Servant now, as, according to his predictions and intuition, he has confidence in the fact that the Future Foundation will locate them within that period of time.

He would like to evade them. He knows he is able to, that he has a capacity to outwit them, that Servant would heed every command necessary to guarantee their survival. After all, there is no certainty in the prospect that the Future Foundation would keep them alive.

Despite this, Kamukura is… curious. He is intrigued as to what the Future Foundation will do, once they capture him and Servant, and he knows that they cannot evade the Future Foundation forever. They will grow bored.

It is regrettable, he thinks as he injects Servant with the serum, stroking his hair for purely selfish purposes as he does so. It is regrettable that they did not have infinite time together. However, Servant is dying to his own illness, and Kamukura is dying, metaphorically, to the boredom that he can not fully stave away, even with his agreeable companionship. It is poetic, in the same sense, that they will be captured and perhaps be executed before they could fully breach the barrier of worship and love, something Kamukura is not certain he could attain.

In all senses, it is over, and Servant will not remember him by the time he awakes in the grasp of the Future Foundation.

(A part of Kamukura recalls their first meeting with feigned nostalgia, remnants of the emotion that must have existed before his creation, and he wonders– or, cynically, he hopes– that he may meet the other again, and finish the life they began.)

–

Komaeda rolls over and smiles, slightly sleepy. “What do you want to talk about, Hinata-kun?” After a pause, he asks, “Do you want me to leave?”

“No,” he says with a little too much force. “I’ve just had some. Things on my mind. That I want to talk about?”

It’s sort of a half-truth, because it feels wrong to say that it’s been something on his mind. Because it has been, and it has been for a while– but he hardly knows if what he’s feeling is love, if it’s worth indulging in this when he has so much to work on. If he can even be certain of his thoughts at all.

But he wants to talk to Komaeda– maybe to get perspective, and finally decide.

So, he closes his eyes and starts talking. “I was thinking about the simulation, and before. More specifically, us.”

He can hear the bitterness in Komaeda’s voice when he says, “Ah. How I betrayed and belittled you?”

“Not exactly.” But it’s part of it. “… You said in the simulation that you were in love with me, right?”

There’s a pause. One that’s long enough that Hinata almost wants to open his eyes, but he needs to isolate himself in his thoughts temporarily, dissect the words and his feelings and come to a conclusion. It’s something he’s good at (but love isn’t survival games, or class trials. If they were, he would have figured this out a long time ago, back when Nanami was still around).

When Komaeda eventually speaks, it’s brief but telling. “… Yes.”

“And. You didn’t like me much before all of that, but… as Servant, you-”

“Worshipped and admired Kamukura-kun, yes.” He sounds almost nervous. Komaeda rarely sounds like this, and it’s almost enough to stop pushing. “… Why do you ask? Don’t you already know this, Hinata-kun?”

Hinata sighs. “Yeah, technically. But I’ve been thinking about it more, and…” he opens his eyes, now. Komaeda’s face is vacant– no smile, no frown, just a straight line that wavers if he stares hard enough. His eyes are filled with emotion he can’t uncover, emotions he doesn’t want to uncover. But… he watches them carefully regardless, makes note of how they shift. “We’ve had an interesting relationship, throughout all our time knowing each other. In our one encounter back at Hope’s Peak, we didn’t get along, and things in Despair were… intimate, yet twisted.”

“That’s one way to consider it,” Komaeda says, and it isn’t quite hatred in his voice, but something close. Something Hinata knows not to take personally.

“And. I’ve been thinking about where it leaves us, now. And– I mean, it’s something in the back of my head, but not really. Filling all my thoughts? It just sort of came up while we were sitting here, before I said we should sleep, and sometimes I think about it when I’m not working around the island. So it’s sort of…” a dormant thing, has been in the back of my mind forever because I put it there, because I didn’t want to accept that I like you, because I’m too afraid and I know you are too, but there’s something about you, something about this, and I’m curious to know where it goes- “Yeah.”

Komaeda nods. “I see.”

“I think you know where I’m going with this.”

There’s a silence. Then- “I’d rather not.”

“… Rather not what?”

He already knows, but he wants to hope, wants to hope that Komaeda will allow himself this, despite everything. And yet…

… “Rather not believe what you are implying, Hinata-kun.” And the bitterness is directed at him this time, but Komaeda has always tore at him claws to hide something else, whether it be personal insecurity or infatuation or fear. Hinata thinks it might be all three, now. “You are aware of my love for you, how you could use it to your benefit, how you could disregard me and I would-” his breath catches.

“Komaeda?”

“… hardly complain,” he finishes. “I would hardly complain if you used me, because it’s you. You’re aware that you could make this so easy– and you aren’t even certain of this. I’ve been certain ever since I knew you, even when I hardly knew anything about you, even when I stayed with you to wake up on that island, I knew. But you don’t, and you could make it so easy and just give up on me, because it’s not like I would love you less or hate you more, but you’re acting on impulse. You rarely act on impulse, so why are you…”

There are tears in Komaeda’s eyes.

“… When I first met you,” Hinata starts. “I thought you were pretty. An asshole, but pretty. In despair, Kamukura was interested in you, and he was bored of everything else, even her. And he knew your worship, and that was the most boring part of you, to him, because he didn’t like being treated like a god, not by you. And… and in the simulation, I remember the betrayal I felt when I knew one of the only people I trusted turned their back on me. And- and when I saw your corpse-”

Komaeda shakes his head, but Hinata doesn’t stop. “-When I saw your corpse, I was so fucking pissed, because you’re smart and fucked up and I almost missed you that trial, despite everything. And despite everything, now when I woke you up, when I had to run into the infirmary and out of it and had to do all those fucking psychodives to get you out, I thought it was worth it.”

“Hinata-kun.”

“I thought– I knew, and I know– that you are worth it.”

And even though Komaeda’s stare is intimidating, and even though Hinata’s so uncertain of everything right now, he’s confident in that.

He’s never been more confident in anything, actually.

–

When Hinata wakes up on an unfamiliar island, with an aching head and endless questions about his surroundings, he’s greeted by a stranger, with a slight smile on their face. They had slightly tostled white hair, cloudlike and wispy, that falls just above their dim green eyes, and they have a slender yet alluring physique that Hinata almost finds pretty, in his dazed state.

After they confirm that Hinata is awake, they introduce themself. “… I’m Komaeda Nagito. Nice to meet you.”

Hinata accepts the hand he offers him and stands up, brushing sand off his pants (why are they at a beach?) and replying, “Hey, I’m Hinata Hajime.”

Komaeda leads him around the island, introducing him to all the others that had left him behind, unconscious, on the beach (he can’t really blame him. He’s still embarrassed about how he just… passed out. At least Komaeda isn’t judging him for it). He offers his own quips and commentary about the island, one Hinata finds insightful, if not slightly odd at times, and he begins to develop a trust for the other.

Sort of. Because, well, it’s not like he can really trust anyone, when they all woke up on a random fucking island with no idea of what’s going on, aside from some random shit a rabbit tells them. But, for as weird Komaeda can sometimes be and the weird situation they’re in, he establishes him as trustworthy early on. Someone to rely on, even when everything goes to hell.

(And littered in there, far enough in the back of his head that he sort of forgets about it, he is sort of infatuated with the other. In a super base way– because he’s a teenager, c’mon– but, still. Komaeda’s pretty, and he’s friendly, and he thinks there’s some significance in that.

Of course, everything changes when the first murder occurs. When the trial happens, and truths are revealed. When everything spirals downwards for the rest of their ‘island vacation’, and Hinata realizes that Komaeda should have never been trusted at all.

… But he can’t bring himself to hate him, despite everything. Even when he’s faced with his corpse.)

–

There is a long silence that fills the room, after his admission.

It’s understandable, considering that Komaeda… has never quite had anyone stay by his side as long as Hinata has. He’s probably never considered the possibility of requited love or care of anything, has never been able to reconcile with the idea that Hinata wants to stay despite the fucked-up mess of trauma and disease his brain is filled with. He probably finds himself vacant, like Hinata does, sometimes, like every quirk about him that makes him distinctive and worthy of love is completely null, and that he is cursing Hinata by being around him this long.

It’s more fucked up than Hinata can sometimes conceptualize, but. As he said, it’s worth it.

Hinata breaks the silence, knowing that he should be patient with the other, who has had his mentality partially shattered in a brief period of time, but slightly worried that the progress they’ve made would fall at a stalemate in complete silence. “… Komaeda?”

“Hinata-kun.” His voice is both empty and emotional, and it leaves an ache in Hinata’s chest. “I’m sorry, I don’t think I understand, still. I’m not…” he trails off.

“You are worth it,” Hinata insists, because he knows the way that Komaeda thinks, knows where his mind is going. “We don’t have to do anything, or be anything, if you don’t want to. I just… thought you should know, and I’ve been thinking about it a lot, so. Thought it was worth saying.”

“Worth,” Komaeda echoes quietly. His laugh is at the same volume, raspy and choked. “I… I really like you, Hinata-kun, but I can’t let you endanger yourself.”

Hinata shakes his head. “Your luck can’t affect me badly, remember? I’m lucky too.”

“It has in the past. Before you remember. When me and Kamukura-kun were together, and how bad luck and consequent good luck would follow us around. He thought it was interesting. I knew we weren’t safe. And we weren’t.” He sighs, and Hinata wants to reach out and brush his cheek with his fingertips, ensure that he isn’t just a ghost. “If I hurt you, Hinata-kun-”

“You won’t,” Hinata argues.

Komaeda raises his voice, slightly. “But if I do, then I wouldn’t be able to live with myself. Knowing that you chose to have something with me, despite all your responsibilities and all the risks I bring to you just by existing… it would kill me, Hinata-kun. I’m already dying and I’ve done it once, but… it would really, really kill me. I don’t think I would be able to lose you. I don’t…” He looks so tired.

Hinata reaches out, then, and intertwines their fingers. Komaeda doesn’t push him away, and he takes it as a good sign. “You aren’t going to lose me. And I know we can’t be certain of what’ll happen in the future, but… I think we deserve something good. So much bad shit has happened, and we’re healing and everything, but I think we also deserve to find something like… hope. In each other. Y’know? And, obviously, it’s only if you want. I’m not gonna, like, make you date me, or something.” He squeezes his hand. “But, I don’t want you to keep yourself from someone you want– something we want– out of fear. We’re not going to die, Komaeda. And even if we did… every second that led to it would be worth it.”

Komaeda’s eyes flutter shut. It hurt to see the pain in his eyes, but his scrunched eyebrows and shaky lip is almost worse. “I… I don’t know what to do.”

“What do you want to do?” Hinata asks gently.

“I…” he cuts himself off, thinking in silence as Hinata rubs circles into his palm. Eventually, his eyes open, and his expression is tentative and a bit scared, but Hinata can see some hope in it. It’s almost enough to make him smile, but he fights it off and waits for Komaeda to finish. “I… I want this. But, I don’t deserve it.”

“You want it,” Hinata reminds him softly, “and I want it. So, I think it’s okay for us to have, yeah?”

He hesitates, but eventually says, “… Maybe.”

“Maybe,” he repeats, and then he gives him a slight smile. “I can work with maybe.”

Komaeda responds with a fleeting smile, one that makes Hinata let go of his hand and tug him forward into a warm embrace. Komaeda’s face nestles into the other’s shoulder, and he can hear a muffled voice whisper, “I love you, Hinata-kun. I really do.”

A weight he thought would permanently be on his shoulders disappears, and he breathes out a long sigh of relief as he tightens his grip on Komaeda’s waist. And, with a voice that echoes himself through all of the years of knowing Komaeda, through the stress and irritation and curiosity and trust, in a journey that was just as much his as it was theirs, he says, “I love you too.”

Even after everything.

#komahina #komahina secret exchange #fanfiction

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monomonomagines · 5 years ago

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could you write dr2 boys reacting to learning their s/o is part of the neo world based off of a dead classmate like chiaki after being able to graduate the simulation the intended way or through surviving the killing game ?

Oh my goodness anon I love you for requesting this but I am equally angry that I never even contemplated something like this. I'm going to go with the boys graduating from the simulation the correct way for this ask and used bullet points but if you want me to do it the other way as well feel free to tell me. I won't go on much longer I just had to get it out that this is a great idea. An angsty idea no less but still amazing.

I hope you enjoy this as much as I did writing it. If you all couldn't tell already I live for angst. Anyways here's the boy's reactions.

Teruteru

Teruteru had been so glad that you had accepted him for who he really was.

You didn't mind his accent or quirks and loved him for him.

That's why he was elated to graduate from the simulation you were in together after the class had collected all the hope fragments.

It meant that you and him would be able to be together for real. Just him and you with nothing else between you.

As soon as he woke up from the simulation and got to actually explore the real island his immediate goal was to find you but he just seemed to be missing you.

He thought that he'd find you soon enough when Hajime approached him and put a hand on his shoulder telling him about your own demise before the simulation.

He didn't want to be the one to break the guy's heart but no one else would be better at telling him the cold hard truth.

You didn't exist anymore. You slipped through Teruteru's fingers long before they were placed into the Neo World program.

As soon as the words left Hajime's lips it was evident that they weighed on Teruteru.

His smiling face had taken a more solemn expression. He needed to be alone so that he could mourn you. He'd end up bawling like a baby and crying out for you until he'd pass out some nights until he'd force himself to get out of this funk.

Neither you nor his mama would want to see him like this. He needed to honor your memories, not just mope around.

He'd make all your favorite dishes, he'd walk along the beach like you two said you would in the Neo World, and he'd cherish you. Even the you that wasn't real because it was still you that made him feel whole not that simulation in the end.

Imposter/BBB

The imposter never expected to end up getting close to you but with your kindness and tact, it wasn't unforeseen.

You weren't unworthy of his love or anything and you seemed to genuinely enjoy his company like no other person.

You wanted to know his dreams, his hopes, his inspirations, and most of all to get to know him and his heart.

Unlike Teruteru he wouldn't jump up at immediately graduating until after he'd turn to look at you and have you both promise that you'd find each other when you were out of the Neo World.

The only issue is you couldn't promise. The simulation's version of you did just that but you were long gone far before that promise was made.

That was why he couldn't find you.

Unlike Teruteru when everyone else was somehow all there but you, he'd quickly put the pieces together and rush to excuse himself.

He never wanted to get attached and here he was left heartbroken over a simulation.

He'd mourn without showing many expressions around the others. He just wanted to be alone to think, to reminisce as he'd gaze at that same ocean you two would in the Neo World.

Normally then you'd be holding hands but now his were empty as he was alone.

Nagito

Nagito like Teruteru is the type to rush into things.

They both tend to take drastic actions in order to get the things they want most in life so he wouldn't bat an eye at graduating from the Neo World with you.

Only he wouldn't be able to.

The same person that had gotten to know and accept the real Komaeda didn't exist anymore.

They perished long before the Neo World Program began and it fits almost too well with his luck for the person he loved to never have been real.

Like the Imposter, Nagito would wan to be alone for the most part to mourn you, getting snippy and irritable with anyone that dared to interrupt him.

He didn't want anything but you and you were dead. He'd try to laugh but would just end up crying as he remembered each moment he shared with the illusion of you.

He missed you more than anything.

Fuyuhiko

Fuyuhiko only had you and Peko. That was all he needed, he thought.

You two were closer than anything and he couldn't be happier. You never underestimated him. You saw all his capability and appreciated him for who he really was.

That's why he decided he did want to graduate with everyone. He wanted to be with you and Peko. With all three of you together he felt invincible.

However, that invincibility duration was not long. It soon fizzled out as he came to the real island he and his friends were on.

He thought he'd be able to find you but from the look on Peko's face when he asked he knew something was wrong.

Looking as distraught as him she had to tell him why their search for you was unsuccessful. How it was because you weren't real then.

You had been gone for years and you weren't coming back. Not now, not ever.

Fuyuhiko would immediately fly into a fit of rage, taking things out on inanimate objects and lashing out at others but whenever it was just him he'd cry his eyes out.

He missed everything about you. He was sorry he sometimes bitched at you or that he acted ungrateful at times he was sorry so why couldn't you be here with him?

He's filled with far more regrets than most of this cast at the loss of you.

Kazuichi

Like Nagito, Kazuichi's always been a pretty obsessive guy but he'd decide in an instant that he'd want to graduate from this simulation.

He knew you'd end up with him so what was there to worry about?

Apparently, a lot more than he knew because even after running around the whole island a few times, there was no sign of you.

He'd have just kept running on and on simply thinking he missed you if not for Hajime stopping him.

Like with Teruteru, it was better if Hajime broke the news to him since they were so close.

But as soon as he hears what Hajime has to say he goes into denial immediately.

He refuses to listen to reason still looking for you for days on end until the reality hits him like a slap to the face.

You really were dead! You were dead and there was nothing he could do to bring you back.

He'd end up isolating himself like Fuyuhiko and being quite irritable but when he's alone he surprisingly wouldn't cry.

Instead, he'd talk to the sky as if you were there with him right then and there.

Hajime

Once Hajime would leave the Neo World Program to be with his friends he'd be the quickest to piece together why you aren't with them.

Once he's in the real world he is basically Izuru reformed after all.

However, he's able to feel more than Izuru could. He'd know that you were a mere simulation, that you died long before this all began but he'd struggle with accepting it still.

He wanted so badly to see you running up to him to embrace him like you did so many times within the simulation but it was hopeless.

He knew it was true but he would want some time alone to think.

He didn't need to bawl his eyes out but he'd definitely cry those first few nights without you.

It's just that after he'd come to the same conclusion that Teruteru would at a faster speed.

He'd keep your memory in his heart for as long as he was around.

It didn't matter if he was just sitting on the shore watching the sunset or if he was drawing with his fingers in the sand alone because your memory was there with him.

You were still there by his side doing your own thing as he did his. Your memory was real enough for him to still cherish your time together.

Nekomaru

Nekomaru loved your fun-loving nature from the start of your escapades in the Neo World Program and was more than excited to continue to enjoy life to the max with you.

He was definitely would graduate without a second thought, immediately assuming you'd be there when he'd wake up.

But when you didn't he just assumed you were taking your sweet time.

Hahaha, S/o's so funny waiting to graduate.

He'd keep positive thoughts the whole time that you weren't there, arguing with anyone who said otherwise when deep down he realized.

You were like Chiaki, you didn't exist anymore.

You died before he went into the Neo World Program and there was no bringing you with him when left.

He'd have a lot of anger like Kazuichi or Fuyuhiko but he'd put it all into his fights with Akane or when he was training anyone.

He'd try to stay positive for you but some nights he'd find himself looking at the sea and thinking about how things could've been different if you could just be standing next to him right now.

He felt so empty.

Gundham

For someone to infiltrate the Dark Overlord's defenses was an anomaly at best.

He didn't allow others to pierce his walls but somehow your might had completely obliterated them.

That's why you were dating.

You understood Gundham and his eccentricities and even when you didn't you accepted him.

You did more, you loved him. You loved him and his dark devas, him and his poison blood, you just loved him as he was and he couldn't ask for more.

He decided to graduate with everyone rather hastily at the prospect of getting to see you for real but reality quickly caved in on him.

When everyone was there but you, he'd immediately assume the worst but would try to stand tall. Simply asking Hajime as to where you were.

But when Hajime shook his head and put his hand on his shoulder he instantly knew.

He'd barely comprehend those words but at the same time, they'd stick to the inside of his skull.

S/o died long before the Neo World Program started.

He just wouldn't be able to do more than turn into a mere husk of a man.

He wouldn't speak to anyone, not even Sonia. He'd just stand by the shore in solitude, wondering what you'd tell him to do now.

#danganronpa #danganronpa imagines #dr2 #danganronpa goodbye despair #danganronpa x reader #x reader #imagine #teruteru hanamura #ultimate imposter #byakuya twogami #nagito komeada #fuyuhiko kuzuryuu #kazuichi soda #kazuichi souda #hajime hinata #nekomaru nidai #gundham tanaka #ask #mod toko

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nctinfo · 5 years ago

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[TRANS] Jaemin’s interview with Allure March 2020 issue!

How are you? Hasn't it been so long since the last pictorial with NCT DREAM? First off, I turned 21 with the new year. (laughs) After the last pictorial for <Allure>, I was continuously practicing for our concert.

It was DREAM's first solo concert, right? It was completely the first time. We have done the 'DREAM Show' before but rather than calling it a concert, it felt more like a fan meeting. So it was the first time we officially had a concert. So, similarly, this concert was called 'The Dream Show'. We started in Korea and we are now continuing our tour. Anyhow, it's our first concert, so I'm gaining a lot of experience through all the feedback we're receiving.

The first concert is a special experience that doesn't come twice. What kind of stage did you prepare to show? I was all over the place at first. Since I had never done a solo concert, I had no idea how to envision it. Even though we did a run-through rehearsal, it was still very different with the audience present. There was also a time when my head went completely blank. I think it's because I was so nervous, I've never had that happen before. After gathering myself together, I set my mind to have fun. If we don't enjoy it, the fans won't enjoy the stage either. If we're really excited, then the fans will enjoy the excitement together with us. It will definitely feel different.

It seems like you're really connecting (with your fans). Did you also get closer to your members? We were originally already very close. As the concert tour passes, the members would voluntarily come up with ideas. We got better at saying things like: let's add an adlib here, let's run together at this part. The good thing about having someone give an idea like that is that we get to practice it during rehearsals and then apply it immediately to the show.

The album and the performances clearly show the team's growth. I was able to see that at the concert too. The team 'Dream' started as a team of teens. I was really young during <Chewing Gum>. As we grew <Go> came out, <We Go Up> came out... like it was an extension. We just wanted to continue showing our growth as we progress. For <Chewing Gum>, a cuteness that was definitely only possible at that age was shown.

Do you have any regrets? We definitely have a lot of bright and happy songs. It would've been nice if there was a darker song where we could've shown more charisma. If there were such songs, I think we would've been able to show more sides of us.

How did you feel when you saw the fans directly? 'Wah, this is really possible.' When I'm attached to the wire and go up (on stage) I can see all the fans in one glance. We always rehearsed on a stage where there was nobody, and I almost cried when I saw the fans sitting there at our first performance. I was always curious how it would feel when I saw the concerts of our sunbaes. As I got on stage myself, (I realised) the fans gathered together in one place to see us, and I was so touched. Our color is pearl neo champagne, and it's really bright and pretty. It's as bright as two, even if only one is on.

Weren't there many members who actually shed tears...? It was no joke right. (laughs) Everyone but I cried. We'd be in trouble if I cried too. I tried not to cry. If I ended up crying, everybody would be in a sea of tears.

When I think back to the previous pictorial we did for <Allure>, I was impressed with how the members carefully monitor the shoot, even if it was not their own. I like photography, you said that. Since when have you been interested in photography? Since I started uploading videos to the NCT YouTube Channel. As I was filming videos, my interest naturally shifted to photography. I was wondering how I was able to deliver a scene to the fans faster and that's how it started. You need a lot of equipment to take a video, but you only need a camera to take pictures and capture a scene, and immediately show it. I wanted to be able to deliver the scene much faster than videos that needed editing. Since then, I have become more interested in photography.

It's more common for an artist to be captured than to capture. In that case, you might lose interest. I like machines. When I take a picture and I didn't come out as I had imagined it, I need a program to correct it. So I found lectures related to it and got deeper into loving it as I was listening to them. So far, I really like capturing.

You must've already received a lot of reactions, what pictures did the fans like? I'm usually the one to take the pictures, that's why there are not many pictures of myself. I think what our fans like the most is our natural appearance. Even though the fans usually see us on stage or on TV, they can't see our daily lives. I think they like everyday things that they don't see often.

You will be the best at capturing those things then. Yes, and I also have a lot of affection for the members.

They said equipment is important for taking pictures. What equipment do you use? I have a Sony A9 Body and a G-Master 85mm single lens. I used an iMac Pro with an LG display next to it, and I use a Wacom tablet. After buying one or two I kept buying new equipment. I got greedy. If I see something better, I'll go buy it again. I also have two GoPros and a Pocket Mini that I'm using well. But these days, my cameras are all dark and heavy, hence I want to have a small digital camera.

How do you keep it? I'm upset because I'm not good at equipment management since cameras are a device and you have to maintain it well to use them. Cameras are also very sensitive to temperature and humidity. I'm thinking of buying a device that will manage it for me. Lenses can become moldy if you don't manage the humidity properly, and it takes a lot of money to fix them. But right now, it's just on my desk, and I take it out when I need it.

Are you self-taught? That's why I reach a limit every day.

What do you do when there's something you have questions about? In that case, I will look up a lecture on that part and listen to it. I watch YouTube too. Nowadays, I want to learn something like how to compose (a picture). I also want to compose a collage to create a picture that I want. Among the people I know, there's no photographer. So I have to find a way myself. For example, when there's no light, I have to use the basic tool to create the light.

What kind of moments are the ones you want to take pictures of? When the light is splitting. It's really pretty.

We're in the 'age of video'. What do you think is attractive to still images? A video cannot express the moment. If there's a big wave, it will come and go in the video. But in a picture, you can see every wave in the wave. I think that's really attractive. The things of a moment. Of course, there are always charms to a video. I like both video and photography. These days I have the greed to shoot 8k videos.

Among all the pictures you've taken until now, which one do you like the most? The picture I took of Jisung at the World Scout Jamboree. It's a picture of Jisung smiling brightly, it's the brightest picture I've ever taken and the sunlight is really bright too. It's hard to capture Jisung like that, so I captured that moment.

How did you take that picture? I was on the way back to the hotel after a shoot. We were coming out of the car, and the light was so good, so I told Jisung to stand there and just suddenly took a pictures of him. I was making jokes to make Jisung laugh. I took about 60 shots at that time, and that was one of them.

You must have a lot of pictures of the members. I have about 500GB of pictures. I hung up all my passwords. (laughs) I have it organized in folders.

It seems like you've often taken pictures of the members. Who is the most cooperative member to shoot? Renjun, Jeno, Jisung, Chenle…

So there is someone who is uncooperative. Everyone except Haechan listens well to me. haha

Today we had the concept of a novice photographer during the shoot, so there were various equipment and props in the studio. Whether it was the light or the cameras, you really took a close and touched it carefully. Is there anything you wanted to have? For the mirror selfie, we used a DSLR camera. I didn't know that DSLRs tasted like this because I use mirrorless cameras. It's really nice. It's a bit heavy to carry around, but since mirrorless cameras are mechanical, it doesn't make a clicking sound and when you take a series of pictures, it just captures it without much feeling. The DSLR felt like it was breathing with me. I had a good taste today.

That's a problem. Wouldn't it be comfortable to have a studio like this filled with your favorite equipment like the DSLR camera? It would be really comfortable. I could be here all day even if I didn't have a shoot myself. The color is the studio is so soothing and the songs the photographers were playing were always good.

How would it look like if you had your own studio someday? Like this one, I hope it to be an underground studio that's completely white. I think a place where all the pipes are exposed looks cool too. And I will be putting in a very comfortable sofa. Ah, and of course, the equipment is the most important.

What is the most interesting subject (to capture) these days? For me, it's people. I'm not really interested in plants or landscapes, I want to capture people. Also, when I take pictures of the members' faces, I feel that their faces are really pretty. (laughs) I show the ones that are well-edited to the members.

What do you think is a good picture? A good picture is one that is 'sincere'. Everything is obvious in a picture. You can tell when it's a fake laugh or angriness when you keep looking at the pictures. So when I take pictures, or when I have my pictures taken, I need to make it sincere for it to be called a picture. Today, was really fun.

Translation: Esmee @ FY! NCT (NCTINFO) | Source: Allure Scan — Do not repost or take out without our permission!

#NCT #jaemin #t:trans #t:interview #Allure #Allure: March 2020

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ryder616 · 4 years ago

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Rewatching Identity and Change

It’s day 2 of Skimmons’ Co-Op session and things have taken a turn.

Our questing duo has acquired a new companion, bringing their party to a total of four: their increasingly flustered selves, Professor Coulson - who majored in conspiracy theories and minored in home economics - and of course FW!Ward. Daisy is tentatively trusting him after he saved their skin twice. Jemma steadfastly refuses to.

As most things Simmons after S2/S3a, I suspect this has to do with Fitz. If the virtual world is so “upside down” that Ward could be a trustworthy ally, it may also be so “upside down” that Fitz is lost in his new persona. I don’t think Jemma was prepared to consider the possibility, let alone accept it.

Hail Fitzler:

If the Mengele-like approach to science and the Richard Spencer’s haircut hadn’t been enough of a shock already, Fitzler murders Agnes, tortures Daisy and Radcliffe and professes his love to Ophelia with all the dramatic flair we have come to expect from his non nazi edition (“I’d cross the universe for you”).

I’m not saying we should celebrate the real Alistair Fitz’s lack of parental instinct but, clearly, there are worse things than being abandoned by your dad at 10, if these are the results of him sticking around.

Unlike Professor Coulson and Gestapo May, Fitzler won’t wake-up to the evil realities of the virtual world and do something about it. That’s probably a part of why, once disconnected, Fitz will be so affected by his second life that he will eventually embrace his Framework persona.

There are at least two good reasons for Fitzler’s inability to break his social programming (given the context and Radcliffe's beliefs, it seems like a better way to put it than “stop being a nazi a-hole”, but either works for me 😁):

1) His life changed from an earlier point in time than everyone else’s and having his father in his life likely means that he lost his mother. If not her presence, certainly the impact of her influence: in the one single moment of doubt Fitzler will exhibit, FW!Alistair will rebuff him with “that’s your mother talking”. Whatever contributions FW!Mrs. Fitz was able to make in raising him, they were not valued nor heeded.

2) Aida needs him and has adjusted things accordingly. She inserted herself in his life, taking over Jemma’s role as kindred spirit and life partner and likely encouraged his despicable ethics: they serve her purpose and she’s an android who has learned hers from Radcliffe.

Stuff:

Amy, we've been over this. Until first bell, this is my time. I guess Daisy has been telling Coulson “the gist of it” all night since it was dark when she popped up in his car and he was leaving the school, and now they’re in class and school’s about to start. Also, Amy is Clark Gregg’s daughter as I imagine anyone who may be reading this already knows.

Hydra used Cambridge to take control, in the name of law and order... to justify everything. How depressingly familiar.

I would’ve figured it out a long time ago if it wasn’t for the mind-control soap [...] That blue soap everyone uses? Hydra loads it up with chemicals. It seeps into our bloodstream. Implants false memories into our brains. They want us to believe this is a magical place. But don’t worry, I’m clear. I make my own soap now. Did they really make a soap joke while depicting a fascist dystopia run by neo-nazis? Huh.

Mack’s fashion sense as a dad has reversed to his pre field agent days: plaid shirts over henleys and jeans.

They busted my neighbor for a laptop last night. Meanwhile, the place is getting more dystopian by the minute...

Apparently, in the real world, I have a robot hand. Pretty cool, right? [...] Bona fides? I always wanted to do that. Absent saving-the-world duties, Coulson’s full dorkiness is loose. 😂

I hate to say this, but I think we can trust [Ward]. -- Until we can’t. Betraying those closest to him is his signature move. And I hate to say this, but Real!Ward betrayed you but he never betrayed Garrett. Following to the bitter end a guy who murders and enslaves people isn’t exactly the best credential, but it is a precedent of his capacity for enduring, if entirely misplaced, loyalty.

If you were able to get through to Coulson, then surely I could get Fitz to remember me. [...] This reality may be upside down, but Fitz is still Fitz. Tsk, tsk. Obviously Jemma never watched the Mirror Universe episodes in Star Trek. Disappointing.

Daisy, it's too dangerous. -- I'll be fine. The last time you said you were fine, you had a broken arm, a broken soul, and had almost gotten yourself killed, so forgive me if I don’t find that reassuring.

Who is she? -- No one. She doesn't matter. She's plotting against me. Well, that went from 0 to 100 fast. Too bad Fitzler is too whipped to question it.

You'd really do anything for me, wouldn't you? -- I'd cross the universe for you. I’d advise against that. The universe-crossing shortcuts opener is currently powerless, would rather chuck your girlfriend into a black hole, and also ships you with someone else.😁

Madame Hydra’s restricted files? You have lost your mind. -- The soap made me do it. Despite placing a lot of trust in this version of Ward, Daisy’s discomfort and irritation around him are palpable. So of course she resorts to sarcasm and sass, her default mode when things are not fine.

I’ll be fine. Go. Concern increasing...

For the season, it's been unusually rainy. -- Rain or shine, the man with the umbrella is always ready. Seriously? Could your secret code be any more obviously a secret code? 😂

And hello SuperMace. I can tell by your scruffy stubble that you carry a Heavy Burden(tm).

I can't believe it's really you. The Patriot! The Inhuman leader of the Resistance. He's kind of a big deal! So, here's how it goes, then: May's the Warrior, Mack's the Protector, Fitz’s the Romantic, and Coulson is the Fanboy. 😁

Got to say, the whole Rebel Alliance aesthetic's really working for me. And of course Mace doesn’t fully appreciate the compliment, as one would expect from a man with his disturbing opinion of Han Solo (4x06).

And believe me, we will defeat these terrorists, and we will make our society great again. I would make another drinking game out of all the shade the Framework arc throws at right wing American politics and personalities, but current events don’t make it all that amusing any more.😞

Tell you what, how about if we make some popcorn and watch a video? -- “Chopping Mall"? -- Again with that silly robot movie? Okay, who are you and what have you done with Mack? Oh. Right. “Chopping Mall” was referenced in 4x09 and also parodied in 7x07, apparently to the dismay of its director who didn’t appreciate the homage and called it plagiarism.🤦‍♀️

I'm sorry. With all that's going on, I can't send a team today. -- Then send us. Already sounding like the Coulson we know, isn’t he?

You are not crazy. -- I live alone and make my own soap. -- It's quaint. Hipster, even. -- That's not how my ex-wife saw it. The ex-wife is Audrey, right? He had the string quartet clipping the previous ep...

I was their slave. Treated as less than human. You know...you are not wrong. Unfortunately, all the kidnapping, murdering, torturing and future plans for genocide and world domination have greatly diminished my sympathies.

Daisy just can’t help it with her big heart. She comforts Hope, reassures Mack his virtual daughter is okay and feels all the feels, realizing too late she’s being played.

Oh, Jemma, if only you knew the trials and tribulations I've endured. I daresay she doesn’t much care to know at the moment. Once again, my dear doctor, you are terrible at reading a room.

Catch up later. We need to move. Indeed. I hate it when characters who are supposedly in a hurry stand around to talk. Grab Radcliffe and drag him to the Quinjet, you can berate him on the flight back!

Going down? This was a low blow, AoS. Daisy wins a 1 vs 4 elevator fight without her powers and you barely showed her throwing a couple of punches. Why do you hate me?

Aida sort of killed me, as well. She found a loophole. I mean, it was really rather clever. If I weren’t dead already, I’d be impressed. Again, I don’t think your guests want to hear about her cleverness.

You put yourself into the Framework. You’ve been manipulating it ever since. The whole thing is an unmitigated disaster, and all you do is lie! -- Sometimes it’s okay to lie to save a life. You taught me that. As much as it serves to mitigate the guilt he must be feeling about the whole deal, the accusation that Aida manipulated things in the Framework to suit her aims makes complete sense. And we see her feeding a distorted and self-serving version of the truth to Fitzler in this episode after all. Her rebuke, though, is perfect. Radcliffe really can’t shift all the blame on her.

Skye! What happened? *narrator’s voice* She was, in fact, not fine. 😠😩

He’s gonna kill her. -- Fitz would never do that. -- Are you sure? Completely sure. That’s why it’s devastating.

Today, for the first time, I couldn't look my little girl in the eye. I need to make that right. I’m here to help. The world may be “upside down”, but Mack is still upright.🤗

You don’t want to do this. -- Yeah, I do. I guess you don’t know me at all. You know, when you say it like that, looking straight into the camera, one might take it as you’re speaking to the audience....

#agents of shield #aosrewatch #aosrewatchs4 #agents of s.h.i.e.l.d.#aos 4x17 #phil coulson #daisy johnson #melinda may #jemma simmons #leopold fitz #alphonso mackenzie #jeffrey mace #grant ward #aida #holden radcliffe #rewatchingaos #rewatchingaos4

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empathic-seer · 3 years ago

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About

Name: Sheridan Dwyer

Age: 18(TWEWY), 21(Neo-TWEWY/Post Neo)

Height: 4’9/144 cm

Gender: Female

Pronouns: She/Her

Sexuality: Questioning but identifies Bisexual

Occupation: Full-time College Student for Nursing, works part-time performing whatever jobs she can get for acting and voice acting. Keeping her eyes open for an opening at WildKat.

Biography:

I’d mostly prefer for the details to come out organically, but she lives in Shibuya to pursue Nursing school and has a tiny apartment all her own.

Her mother has suffered from chronic pain and other ailments since she was small but they’re super close, her biological father treats her like a child and tries to buy her love with money and video games and her mother’s now ex was severely emotionally and verbally abusive as well all the way until he was finally kicked out when she was 14.

Her mother has kept in some contact though she’s readying to cut him off completely and Sheridan still stiffens at the sound of his voice and can recognize him by his knock.

She’s always seen the UG, but she didn’t learn or see nearly as much as she does in Shibuya due to being from a smaller town in New York. It was mainly just Noise.

She was born at 1 pound 11 ounces and before the third trimester, leading to her nearly dying twice. According to her Mom, she had the umbilical cord wrapped around her neck, so she wasn’t getting any nutrients. After that scare, 3 days later her oxygen levels suddenly went down to single digits, to the point a priest was called in to give last rites. Once the cross was drawn on her forehead her oxygen levels shot up and haven’t come back down since.

Sheridan assumes this is why she can see the UG, though she has no idea why she was saved and it’s something she struggles with often.

Speaking of the Game; boy is she conflicted about it. She probably shouldn’t be, but she helps any Players she can if she catches them in a reaper decal store, warning them of approaching Noise and often putting herself at risk to help them find Partners to give them a fighting chance. She’s also known for interfering more directly by taking infective Noise onto herself. She can’t take seeing others in pain and would rather deal with the ensuing negativity than have another go through it.

So yeah. Oops. As far as her conflict with the Game itself, she loves the fact people get a second chance, and even understands entry fees and their purpose to help others grow. But the erasure part...that she struggles with. It takes a big emotional toll on her and she can’t grasp why it’s necessary as she doesn’t understand the inner-workings enough.

Thoughts on the Games:

The World Ends With You:

Speaking of the Game; boy is she conflicted about it. She probably shouldn’t be, but she helps any Players she can if she catches them in a reaper decal store, warning them of approaching Noise. She’s also known for interfering more directly by taking infective Noise onto herself. She can’t take seeing others in pain and would rather deal with the ensuing negativity than have another go through it. All the better if it helps out Players on the way.

She recognizes she has a lot to learn, especially being only a bystander who mainly watches from the sidelines.

At the end of the Game, nimbly avoids wearing an O pin after seeing the effects from the Game, she hides out in high Imagination areas like Udagawa, the River and WildKat to feel safer. The conformity scares her, she’s always felt different but being alone in a sea of people with the same goal...she never wants to feel so isolated again.

Neo:

As far as Shiba’s Game...she does not like the change.

The UG she’d come to expect was turned completely on its head and it’s even worse.

She understood most of Joshua’s Game. The checks and balances set in place, Reapers and Players, entry fees...all of it save the erasure.

But now the erasures have increased with one team winning nonstop and all she can do is watch in horror as it happens. So many people...Erased without a thought week after week. It’s emotional torture for her as an Empath honestly. The horror, the fear, and then just...nothing.

The shifting energy is much darker than the conformity at the end of the original and she can tell something dangerous is happening, though she can’t grasp what.

Worries over the Wicked Twisters and keeps tabs on their emotions throughout the Game since they’re so much smaller than the other groups.

To say she was shocked when both Neku and Beat were in again was an understatement. She thought they’d escaped. There’s so much she doesn’t know but she watches even more intently when she can from then on.

Feels Shoka’s struggle and wants to help the girl escape the toxic influences surrounding her and get in a better environment.

Just wants everyone to be safe and healthy and for the suffocating air to be breathable again.

Tidbits:

Has always felt drawn to Shibuya River, and WildKat Cafe. There’s a...quiet. A calmness she never gets anywhere else. Particularly in the river. It’s just herself and her own emotions for once but even they feel muted there. Darker thoughts even if present is quieter, and become white noise in the wake of the sound of the river flowing.

Tends to loiter quietly and shyly steal glances at Hanekoma and Joshua if either is in the cafe but too intimidated to actually approach. Something feels...otherworldly about them. Her intuition can tell something is powerful about them so she’s always kept her distance despite feeling a pull towards both.

That goes the same for Hazuki as well, of course.

All Higher Plane beings in her experience mute her Empathy, though she isn't sure why. It's part of why she's so on edge around them, both wanting to be near and torn on approaching.

The library is another place you’ll find her, sequestering in a lone corner far from others and likely reading some supernatural romance aloud or working on a story.

Chronic fatigue is a bad side effect that’s pretty noticeable if she’s been giving too much of herself to others and letting herself be drained. In high school, she’d come home and have to nap for an hour or 3 depending on the day just to recover from the constant negativity she took on from all her “friends”. She still finds herself in that state pretty often, though not as bad nowadays as she’s trying to learn healthy boundaries.

Personality:

Sheridan is very openhearted and kind. Often way too trusting and forgiving for her own good despite having very good intuition. She’s very quick to inquire how others are but brushes off when asked about herself and quickly redirects. She’s very comfortable when it comes to taking care of others since she had a sick mom to take care of all throughout childhood. It’s instinct for her to see if anyone needs anything and she’s ended up flustered many a time by accidentally asking “are you ok?” or “do you need anything?” since if she drifts off or gets bored it’ll pop out sometimes after living with her mom for so long.

She’s also an Empath, meaning she feels what others do and experiences their emotions as her own. She tends to have her guard up a little, she doesn't want to accidentally get too much of someone unless they're ready to give it, but she also doesn't want to leave someone in crisis. She...has a bad habit of attracting people who use her as an emotion dumping ground and letting them stay way too long.

Sheridan feels like her whole purpose is to help others. Like it's all she's good for. She's really struggling to learn that selfish isn't a dirty word and that she's allowed to want things too and to get upset and that what she says is worth listening to.

Easy to think about, but hard to put into practice. She's learned when people ignore her or especially talk over her to quiet down. 'Clearly they just really need to talk right? I didn't have anything important to add anyway." Or so her thought process typically goes.

She tends to be shy at first but if given positive reinforcement and encouragement she’ll slowly warm up. She does best in intimate, small groups.

Seems like she doesn’t have a sense of humor but is actually pretty funny now and then. She just has to feel comfortable enough to crack jokes in the first place.

People tend to look at her in shock if she curses since when she’s first meeting people and in the warming up phase, she seems very polite, kind, and innocent to a fault.

Easily flustered, especially by teasing. Any person she’s even a little bit attracted to she’ll likely be at least a little pink, fidgety and sheepish. It doesn’t take much either. Corner her, pin her, or even just direct eye contact could be enough to make her go red. She’s hopeless in that regard since she’s very inexperienced.

Severely touch starved but way too scared of rejection to initiate or confess as much so she just kinda suffers in silence.

An easy crier. Cries at the drop of a hat. Even when angry, she cries because no matter what she’s hurting to be angry at all given it’s typically very rare for her to begin with. Feeling what everyone around her does has led to her being a every emotional person in her own right.

Hobbies:

Enjoys acting and performing more than anything, even though she’s yet to be cast as a lead or anything major except in her theatre final, where she got to play Doris from Fame. One of her favorite roles. She loved participating in high school at her musical theatre program and did stage crew all the way up to 11th grade when she finally made it in and got to be in first the ensemble and then lead ensemble the following year. She often gets typecast as the “cute one” or child roles thanks to being 4’9 and being very accommodating and kind.

Somewhat hand in hand with acting and performing, but singing. Gets stage fright occasionally but is able to push through it.

Reading body language is something else she finds very fun, but she never voices it without explicit consent. She likes to people-watch in Shibuya and guess their lives inwardly to keep herself fresh.

Plays video games very often, especially RPGs as well as reading to escape her troubles. It’s a great way to combat loneliness and also not think for a while, to lose herself in another world.

Writes as well, to vent her negative thoughts. Typically through a fanfiction blog for x reader fandom and kpop content in 2nd person. A bit shy about voicing it though. Has original ideas and has started a book but trying to build her own world and the magic system has proven a bit difficult.

Reading supernatural romance novels. Her favorite genre since the worlds and characters are typically very immersive and serve as great escape potential. Loves to find a corner, make sure she's completely alone, and voice act the characters as she reads. Y'know, like a nerd.

Likes to bake, especially different types of cookies. It’s a great stress reliever. She has several video game recipes she wants to try to learn though. Particularly the butterscotch cinnamon pie from Undertale and sea-salt ice cream from Kingdom Hearts 358/2 Days.

Binging guilty pleasure shows. Loves laughing at trashy reverse harems with friends like Diabolik Lovers to both appreciate the hotness of the designs and voice acting and also how awful the characters are as people. Doesn’t mind thirsting over toxic vampires, but obviously only in fiction.

Anxiety:

Mental Health: Not great, though most likely wouldn't guess so. She'd much rather help others, see what they need than have them focus on her. She's very much not used to that and doesn't know how to react.

(Important Note! Please do NOT feel pressured to include anything below in our rp and if you ever need a specific thing added as a trigger tag do let me know! My Trigger tag format is Trigger; ______ if you need to block any! I'm open to it of course, given I included them in my form I just want to make sure everyone I roleplay with has the tools to tailor the experience to them and feel secure.

If I want to start a thread or anything about the issues below I will likely message the Mun in advance first for permission first unless they've stated they're explicitly fine with such content and apologies in advance if I'm awkward when reaching out.)

She tends to have panic attacks thanks to severe arachnophobia and it can take her a solid hour to work up the courage to try and kill one, typically while she's crying and whimpering to herself to "breathe Sheridan, that's it breathe…"

She tends to get bouts of social anxiety. When she's acting it's fine because she's not her, and the same for if she's in an intimate group.

But especially if someone starts yelling at her? She'll likely freeze and then look to run away before the person sees her crying. She can't stop shaking and can barely breathe. It's awful and a huge trigger for her. Even if it's not directed at her she'll still panic.

Also suffers from driver’s anxiety. Still only has her permit since she hasn’t found anyone who can put her at ease enough and that she wouldn’t be embarrassed to break down with.

Asperger's Syndrome/Autism Spectrum Disorder:

High functioning but a big person to hyper-fixate and jump from one fixation to another especially when in a bad headspace. Can become obsessed and may need to be gently pulled back/ forced outside.

Stims, mainly physically. Squirms before sleep mainly because her brain won't shut off.

Soft/smooth stims are her favorite anxiety soothers.

Has a rainbow bear with purple eyes she's had since childhood that is a stim she uses to calm from panic.

Clutches her necklace; an Undertale plaque that reads in white text '*a determined soul' and has the rainbow SOUL hearts above it. Uses it as a source of strength.

Bounces her leg when she can but has mainly learned to force herself to stop.

Only does this one when not around her mom since both share the same stim and her Mom said it made her nauseous.

Depression:

Frequent intrusive negative thought spirals and suicidal ideation. Thoughts of self-harm, in a similar vein, though she’d never act on it.

Unfortunately, knowing they’re irrational doesn’t stop the thoughts from happening way too often for her liking.

Her becoming overwhelmed by her emotions and breaking down for 3 hours is commonplace, as is her ghosting for way too long. A bad habit because she doesn't want to burden anyone when she’s not even able to be there for them.

Basically, if she isn’t serving others she feels she shouldn’t exist at all but she’s trying to understand she has worth all on her own.

Eating Issues:

Body dysmorphia with her weight. She tends to not eat often and even if urged she hates that she has to force herself and typically puts herself down which can lead to a spiral if she’s not careful.

Sometimes she's fine. But even when "fine" she'll typically have something small like a muffin, and a 1/4 of dinner and that's all she'll eat.

She snacks because she doesn't have to think when she eats it if she's distracted. Things like popcorn, pocky, or pretzels are her go-to's.

Kind of wants someone to be able to care enough to notice inwardly and maybe text her to see when and what she's last eaten but doesn't ever want to emotionally dump like others do to her because she doesn't want to be a burden or pitied.

CPTSD:

She had her first emotion flashback recently having to do with her abuser and has been shaken ever since, trying to deal with it on her own. Yelling is a trigger for her, especially when paired with degradation.

Forced "civility" as well.

There was a period while her mother was unaware of the extent of the abuse given Sheridan was still trying to protect her. Over the course of 3 years nothing but good night and good morning, passive-aggressive and snide comments of "aren't you going to say hi/bye/thank you/your welcome?" anytime she was too crippled by anxiety/fear to look at him, let alone speak was the norm.

Relationships:

None yet! Just let me know if anyone wants to be added and I’ll happily do so! <3

#Headcanons; intuitive introspection #Ooc; navigating noise #Trigger; eating disorders #Trigger; verbal abuse #Trigger; emotional abuse #Trigger; depression #Trigger; anxiety #Trigger; arachnophobia #Trigger; cptsd

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calliecat93 · 4 years ago

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Not counting today’s chapter. at last I am caught up with my reviews! Yay!!! Take that everything in the universe working against me! It’s kinda crazy though. This is only Chapter Five of Fourteen... and yet it already feels like endgame. So much happens in this chapter. So, so much. Major things, small things, going in a completely different direction than I was expecting, absolutely everything is off the table now. And I do mean everything. Wanna know what I mean? Well, let’s find out, shall we?

Overview

Pietro has gotten Amity functioning and ready for liftoff, but they need more turbulence to properly send it off. As such, Penny is setting up a bomb in the Dust Mines to use the explosion of power to ac as the liftoff. During this, Penny again brings up staying to help, but Pietro again tells her no in favor of her being safe in Amity. Seeing this, Maria points out that maybe Penny’s gotten tired of being told what to do by others. Pietro goes on to the terminal and prepares for the launch, all seeming to go according to plan.

Unfortunately, there’s an unforeseen complication: Cinder. She, Neo, and Emerald crash in via plane and Cinder is all set to take down Penny. yes folks, it all began in Amity all those volumes ago, and we’ve now come full-circle. The two Maidens fight, with the bomb also going off and sending the colosseum up2ward. But there’s now a problem, Cinder’s entrance has damaged one of the boosters, so the colosseum is dropping down. Even so as Penny and Cinder fight, Maria fights Neo and is actually holding up very well against her. Never underestimate old people folks!

Penny tries to lure Cinder out of the arena to avoid anymore damage, but it isn’t long before Cinder realizes this and goes back. Penny even asks her why she’s even doing this for Salem, but Cinder claims that she is controlled by no one while Penny merely follows her programming and does as told. She proceeds to try and melt the support beams in the arena, forcing Penny to use her powers to try and freeze them. But it leaves her wide open and Cinder is able to get her into a hold and start draining the Maiden powers. Thankfully, Penny is able to get out via ice swords.

As Neo gets defeated, her Aura even breaking, Emerald steps in ty use her Semblance on Penny to trick her into seeing multiple Cinder’s. Penny is surrounded, but unfortunately for Cinder, Penny has heat seeking vision that let’s her rat out the real one. She blasts her with a laser beam, knocking Cinder into a wall and get knocked out. Emerald is upset, shooting at Penny but only hitting more of the arena. Emerald knows that she can’t beat Penny, but is more than willing to keep causing damage if she doesn’t back off. Penny complies, allowing Emerald to get Cinder into the jet and escape with Neo.

While the villainess trio is gone, they’ve left major damage. The arena has lost it’s broadcast window and are heading down. But Penny suggests hat she can hold it up to allow them to get into broadcast range. Again Pietro refuses and when Maria bring sup the bigger picture, the scientist snaps that he doesn’t care about that, he cares about his daughter. After already losing her once, he doesn’t want to go through that pain again, simply wanting to see his child live her life. Penny steps up to him, telling him that she’s trying to. This let’s Pietro tearfully allow Penny to go, and she give shim a kiss on the head before flying out.

With Penny keeping the arena stable, the message is broadcast. The message has Ruby revealing everything to the rest of Remnant. The Maidens, the Relics, and yes even Salem. She lays out the situation, even saying that Glynda and Professor Theodore of Vacuo can vouch for it. Ironwood, however, can no longer be trusted. Speaking of, he has had Watts figure out how to control Penny and the mad doctor adds his corrupted chip to the sword that they previously got. Penny’s eyes flash red as she realizes that something’s wrong. Due to this, Ruby’s message ends just as she tells the world that if they all work together, then they can win.

Penny shuts down due to the hack, falling to the ground in a fiery blaze. Her final act before she cuts off? To tell her father that she loves him. Ironwood is not happy with this result, even when Watts says that she’s likely rebooting, and even throws his Scroll at the doctor. He orders the Ace-Ops, along with a “recovered” Winter to go and locate Penny as well as for Harriet to take Watts back to his cell. They all fail to notice Watts taking not only Ironwood’s tossed Scroll, but tools as well. Back in the tundra, JYR are confused about the message cutting off when they hear something. They go outside and... remember the cracks last episode? It’s now exposed a sea of Grimm... and it’s heading directly towards Mantle.

Review

Well... you think that you’re prepared for the pain at this point... and then the world throws you a curveball.

Obviously Penny and the Amity Fight are the big things here, but let’s go into some other stuff first and work our way to it. We’ll start on a happy note, Ruby’s message got transmitted! Yay! And WAAAY sooner than I expected. I think we all expected this to happen near the end, which means that all expectations are off the table folks. I think that this may be the monologue Lindsay mentioned recording that she said was her favorite Ruby moment, and I don’t blame her. This is one of her best moments. This is akin to her role in Volume 6: being the inspiring hope-bringer who can unite others. Heck she even calls herself a Huntress as she di in the V6 finale. Seeing her efforts pay off and how much she’s grown, even being more realistic when pointing out ironwood’s actions and changing course form saying ‘if we fall’ to ‘if Atlas falls’, makes me so happy. It also makes what happens after hurt and I’m even more convinced that something is gonna happen to break Ruby, but we’ll see how that goes.

And of course we get to see Remnant. Not just Atlas. Not just Mantle. We get to see several characters and locations that we haven’t seen in a LONG while. The Cotta-Arc’s in Argus, Ilia in Menagerie and receiving a call from Ghira, Sun and Neptune with our first on-screen glimpse of Vacuo, Glynda and Shopkeep in Vale which was a BIG surprise, and even Tai and Zwei in Patch... which Tai’s reaction when the feed cut hurt my heart. I know some are bummed about no Team CFVY or Raven or whoever else, and aside from the current circumstances there’s any number of reasons why, though it’s pretty likely that we’ll see them eventually. Still, it was amazing to see all these characters and places again. Heck, Glynda is one of my least favorite characters, and I was glad to see her and with an updated Maya model! We’re probably not gonna see much else (maybe Tai will get Raven to send him to Atlas since he likely at least knows she’s around, but that’s all I can think of), but I am VERY much hoping that the cavalry is coming.

Okay, now we can cover Amity. We’ll actually begin with Maria vs Neo. I’ve made it no secret that I’m not a big Neo fan and find her overhyped especially because of her fight track record, so I was VERY glad to see Maria beating her. It actually shows that Neo has weaknesses and isn’t unstoppable, which has been one of my biggest issues with her since she became important again. Maria was also the best person to do so. Some have apparently complained due to Maria being old (...even though the retired old person being a badass fighter has been a common trope since forever especially in anime) and not haven’t fought for years. But not only has Maria clearly kept in shape, but also remember her Preflex Semblance. She can pretty much detect things before they happen, an given Neo usually likes to psyche people out with her illusions or mess with them to get them flustered and not focus (as she did to Yang in V2), that kind of power comes in very handy against this kind of fighter. Plus seeing Maria having the time of her life was just so fun~

Emerald... was there. Yeah, she didn’t really do much in the fight sadly. But we do get one strong moment after Cinder is knocked out. We all know how attached to Cinder that Emerald is. She gave the thief a new life that wasn’t her trying to survive on the streets. Even though she’s clearly terrified of everything wit Salem and the Grimm, and rightfully so, she’s continuously put it aside to stay by Cinder. A woman who has been nothing but cold towards her, has outright smacked her at least once, keeps her obedient, and only keeps her around for her abilities. Mercury pointed it out in V6, Cinder doesn’t care at all about either of them. Mercury always knew that and never cared, but Emerald isn’t ready to accept that. She was outright tearful as she threatened to shoot up the arena unless Penny backed away. I feel so bad for her, especially since Cinder is NOT going to react well when she wakes up, and it’s just... uncomfortable to watch Emerald continue to devote herself to someone who would absolutely abandon her if she no longer had any us to her. I’m still hoping that by the volume’s end, Emerald will finally break free before it’s too late. IDT Mercury will quite yet considering his issues and still expressing no care about his actions, but Emerald very much has a chance.

Now let’s do Cinder. So... this sucked for her, huh? Cinder has very much been on a downward spiral. Back in Volumes 1-3, she was in-control, defeated everyone in her path, got the Maiden power, killed one of the strongest students in beacon, and had successfully crippled Vale and planted the seeds of discord in Remnant. But since then? Ever since Ruby Silver Eyes blasted her? She was too weak to do anything for months, ruined the plan to get the Haven Relic all because of her thirst for power, got her ass kicked by Raven, lost the Winter Maiden powers twice now, was almost Silver Eyes blasted again, and has now outright disobeyed Salem multiple times now. She began as a woman who seemed in control of everything, but we not only saw how that wasn’t at all the case, but we’ve watched her slip more and more as she prioritizes her quest for power above all else. Heck she only got the Fall Maiden power because she had Mercury and Emerald, but thinks that it’s all she needs now to get the rest and fails to realize how she was wrong despite all the failures since.

So here she not only failed to beat Penny again, but she also did it directly against Salem’s orders. Salem has been fairly patient with her, even letting her get away with bringing others into the cause (Emerald, Mercury, Neo), but I doubt that it’s gonna last much longer. Her mocking Penny for being a robot, saying that she merely follows programming and is controlled by others, is dramatic irony. She’s either in utter denial or genuinely fails to realize how she is under Salem’s control. Sure she’s disobeyed her, but ultimately she is following Salem’s game. Will she break form Salem? At this rate probably. I still thinks he’s gone way too far for a redemption arc, but her going rogue is still a very strong possibility. But not only is it not gonna happen before Salem punishes her, but it’s not gonna be good for anyone as Cinder won’t hesitate to slay anyone in her way on her quest for power and control. Not the heroes, not the villains. Be afraid people.

So at last, we come to the Polendinas. To say that everything hurt would be an understatement. Once more we have Penny not being allowed to make her own choices, tis time due to her father. We all know that Pietro is a good guy, but it’s still unfair to Penny. he girl has been pulled around so much, not allowed to have her own agency or control her own fate. In Vale she was almost always guarded by Atlas personnel, got banned form befriending Team RWBY, and then when she made a plan to remain at Vale, her first death happened. Yeah, her facing Cinder and Emerald again in Amity Arena was very much symbolic. Then last volume she was was always made to put her duty above all else, got framed for murder, the general outright made it clear that to him she’s just another robot under his command, and then everything bad that happened in the last few episodes. She DID choose to comfort Fria in her final moments and to defy Ironwood to help the others. choices that she made herself. But even now everyone, even Ruby, told her to stay in Amity. It’s merely out of concern and has a fair reason behind it, but it’s still not allowing Penny to choose for herself.

It makes what happens after the fight hurt so much. As I said, Pietro is a good person. Why is he so insistent on keeping Penn b him? It’s not because she’s a robot. It’s not because she’s a Maiden. It’s because she’s his child and he doesn’t want to lose her. He already did once, and even if he brought her back the loss of a child is one of the worst experiences that any person can go through, even if it’s not their biological child. He doesn’t even mention how he might die if he tries to fix her again, he doesn’t care about that. He wants his daughter to live her life. His fears are that of any parent and it is absolutely understandable, and his breakdown is utterly heartbreaking. But as Penny says, she’s trying to live her life. Even if she does die again, she wants to lead her own life. She wants to make her own choices. She wants to be like other people with emotions and feelings. And of course, even if it was ordered upon her, Penny does genuinely want to help and protect people. The message is Mantle’s only chance, and it needs to go out. Pietro tearfully relented due to all of those reasons. The whole scene is one of the most emotional in the series thus far and it was executed perfectly, especially by the VA’s.

But of course, we come to the ending. Watts successfully hacked Penny. We all knew it was coming, but not when and it happened at the worst possible time. But to make it worst, Penny shuts down and falls downward in a fiery blaze, her fate now unknown. Everything about this hurt. First, Ironwood seeing his original plan work, but being too far gone now to care and blowing what may have been his last chance at realizing/atoning for his mistakes. Then there’s Penny’s fear as she realizes what’s happening. Seriously, Taylor McNee nailed portraying Penny’s emotions as everything unfolded. Ironwood, in his anger, pretty much gift-wrapped what Watts needs to both escape and wreak havoc within Atlas for Salem. But of course, we don’t know if Penny survived and even if she did, she is likely under Atlas’ control. Not only does this potentially mean that the Vault is getting open, but it Watts takes over then Salem has the Relic, another Maiden, and Atlas is guaranteed to fall. But once more, Penny was taken control of in the worst way. Then her last words as Pietro is begging her to tell him what’s going on and the end shot of him clearly breaking down... God man, just... ouch.

These were all things that I expected to happen. But they all happened much sooner than I or anyone else expected. As I said, absolutely everything is off the table now. All of my expectations have been thrown out of whack, and IDK whether to be excited or terrified. But man this episode. Along with all I already said there was the battle itself, which was epic. The only thing it was missing was a new rocking song just to really take it to eleven, but the score was still perfection. Then there’s the ending with the River of Grimm. There are... many reasons to be afraid right now. That’s not even mentioning stuff we’re still waiting on like a Whitley and Weiss confrontation, the Ace-Ops and Winter going after penny, the potential cavalry, and SO much more. Needles to say, the last two chapters before the break are gonna be rough. How do they expect us to survive for six weeks?!

Chapter Stats

Favorite Character: Penny Polendina Favorite Scene: Penny and Pietro talk and Ruby’s message Least Favorite Scene: None. Favorite Voice Actor: Taylor McNee (Penny) and Dave Fennoy (Pietro( Favorite Animation: The entire Penny vs Cinder battle Rating: 10/10

Final Thoughts

First 10/10 rating of the volume! Yay! Man, I just remember sitting in shock after it was all over. Every chapter has rocked me in one way or another, and this was no exception. The emotion was on point. The action was fantastic, the voice acting was stellar, the character writing continues to soar, and we’re left with both amazing highs and amazing lows. We got the message out. We hopefully have help incoming. Penny got to finally control her own life. But Watts’ hack was successful. There’s a River of Grimm heading for Mantle. There’s Watts having the key to do who knows what. here is so much on the line, and the final results are still uncertain. Hold onto your seats folks, this ride isn’t settling down anytime soon.

#rwby #rwby8 #rwby spoilers #rwby reviews #rwby musings #callie reviews

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danganronpasurvivoraskblog · 4 years ago

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The Ultimate Hostess.

Alright everyone! Let’s get everything packed up! We’ll be moving locations starting this morning!

*Inside the bus, everyone is slightly more cramped, with the addition of Yoruko.

You know, I COULD have just called a taxi?

No, don’t worry. It’s a little stuffed, but we’ll be fine.

Just drive carefully Twogami!

Twogami: Don’t worry. I know what I’m doing.

So...where are we going next?

Not sure. Wherever the road takes us I guess...

...

Is everything alright Chiaki?

I’ve just been wondering something...

I think out of everyone who went into the Neo World, you definitely looked the most different...I mean you Yoruko.

Did you used to have pink hair, and it desaturated? Or was your hair desaturated to begin with?

Well, she was the Ultimate Hostess. She probably changed her appearance to better suit her job, right?

Yeah, that’s right...You’re curious about me?

You’re the only person here I know nothing about...Aside from Ryota that is...

Well, I guess I don’t mind telling you...but I’ll give you the short version...The ShortER version...

I didn’t have many friends when I first started out middle school...I had some kind of social phobia. I used to get bullied for it a lot...

Wow...Not even two seconds into the explanation and I already sound like I’m trying to get you to pity me...Sorry...

Hey, if it’s the truth, there’s nothing you can do about that.

We’ve all been there...bullies suck...

I know right?

Anyway, one day seemed like every other, and then I was dragged to the back of the school, where I was beat up and robbed and I really thought I was going to die...

But then this girl named Amane Caria, who was my upperclassman, came around the area, and scared off all the people who were attacking me...

Later I found out that she’d been through a similar experience as me and wanted to help me...

After school we talked a lot, and I eventually found out that there were rumors around her saying that she worked nightly at some really shady place.

I figured I would return the favor by chasing those rumors and denying them...but when I did...

They turned out to be true?

They did. She was working as a hostess at some local pub really late at night. Apparently she was doing so because she wanted to support her family, who were in a bit of a rough spot...

And well...to give you the short version, one thing led to another, and...I became a hostess myself.

Of course, I was too young to actually be employed as a hostess, but Amane helped me forge some stuff. I faked my identity to gain employment. And for years, I was even able to escape the radar of the police...

But SOMEHOW, even though the national authorities never found out about me...Hope’s Peak Academy saw right through me...

Hope’s Peak Academy is crafty...terrifyingly so...

My status as a high school girl was only revealed, ironically, when my acceptance letter from Hope's Peak arrived at the bar. When my true identity was discovered, I couldn’t keep working at the bar. So in the end, I was given two options...

Attend Hope’s Peak...

Or attend a Juvenile Detention Center...

Exactly...I know what became of Hope’s Peak and I know how much of a shit-show it was behind the scenes, but despite the nature of my enrollment, I enjoyed my time there...

I thought it was a good opportunity to better my prospects as a hostess.

But to be honest, I had been considering quitting at the time...

Why is that?

Because of Amane...

Against my will, I somehow began to become really popular at the bar, even more popular than she ever was...

She wasn’t jealous of me...in fact she was proud...but in the end, I became so popular that...

She lost her job...

What...!?

She confronted me about it and ended up slapping me...and I never saw her again.

When I attended Hope’s Peak, I spent a lot of time tracking her down, hoping to apologize to her...but in the end I never found her...

and...The Kisaragi Foundation confirmed it when they let me out of the killing game...that she had been killed in riots.

That’s horrible...! That’s so fucked up...!

She was working at that place to support her family, and they let her go just because there’s someone else there that’s better than her!?

Yeah well, the world is a fucked up place. To be honest, the tragedy wasn’t necessary...

Don’t take this the wrong way, but a part of me is happy that Junko Enoshima sent the world to shit...

Sure...it was difficult times, but I thought a lot of people, especially the people at the academy, deserved it...!

...

Sorry, I shouldn’t have said that...

Junko Enoshima was far more horrible than anyone else combined. You don’t stop an evil with a greater evil...

No, I’m not upset...You’re just speaking your mind...

I’ve always been a bit of a weird human being...Even during the killing game...

Though saying that, I think I was the only sane one during the 4th class trial. By that point in time, I was pretty much the only person who wasn’t a VOID or hadn’t tried to kill someone...

You’ve been through a lot, haven’t you?

Not as much as you guys...

What about Sora then?

Huh? Wh-What about her?

I don’t know much about Sora other than what you’ve told us...You two got along well, right?

Um...w-well about that...uh...

*She leans in.

Can I please ask that when you hear this...don’t laugh...

Huh? What do you mean?

Just...please...

...

Ok, I promise.

Me too...

Sora was...one of my greatest friends and...

Th...The first person I ever loved...

Loved...!?

Did you just laugh!?

No! No, of course I didn’t! There’s nothing to laugh at!

...

Sorry Hajime...I...I underestimated you...

It’s just...I know it’s silly...I fell in love with a computer program...

And feel the same, even after all these years...

Don’t worry...I completely understand.

I mean, look at Chiaki and me...I care a lot about her, after all...

It’s not nice to cheat Hajime...

Shush...you know I didn’t mean it like that...!

You don’t have anything to feel embarrassed about though...

Thanks a lot...

OHMAGOD! Stop the van!

Huh?

Twogami: What!? What is it!?

That bird is so small and cute! I could fit in in the palm of my hand!

Where!?

Ibuki, I swear to god, if you were actually about the stop the caravan for the sake of a fucking bird!

Sorry, sorry, I just got pumped...

OHMAGOD! Stop the car again!

*Twogami stops the car.

What!? If it’s another bird, I’m throwing you out!

No, No! I’m serious! Look, look!

*Ibuki points out the window. Everyone looks to sea a huge, sun lit beach just nearby.

Well, I’ll be...!

Hm...How about we stop here?

#danganronpa survivor #danganronpa #danganronpa 2 #dr2 #danganronpa another 2 #sdra2 #hajime hinata #yoruko kabuya #chiaki nanami #ibuki mioda #gundham tanaka #ultimate imposter #kazuichi soda #fuyuhiko kuzuryu #nagito komaeda #neo world arc #soruko

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komahinasecretexchange · 5 years ago

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Title: Sanctuary

Author: @sonivegas

For: @notcoolhajime

Rating/Warnings: G/T Rating; intrusive thoughts about self-harm, but nothing too disturbing or prevalent!

Prompt: Recovery/Crushes and Confessions

Author’s notes: huhehe guess who!!! I LOVE YOU SM and i was so thrilled to be your exchange partner i was ready to make several gifts for you but alas…. arm…. though admittedly everything i touch becomes a train-wreck and my brain was all over the place writing, i am sorry in advance, BUT i hope you like it enough nonetheless, june!!!!! <3

Like most things people call unpredictable, Hinata was certain that his affinity, which he considered to be curiosity, for the unknown really would land him into trouble one day or another. Though truthfully, he could consider the fact that calling them ‘unpredictable’ in this day and age would be discrediting the progress they’d made since the simulation. Said progress included days with unspoken calamity stickling under everyone’s skin, leaving nothing but utter chaos in their wake, when even one person was pushed over the peak of their cracking eggshell a bit too early. They were tired, naturally. Broken limbs and fractured souls and disbelieving eyes, with the distinct scent of a musty kind of smoke permeating the air every now and then even till this day, if only there to taunt them.

But of course, it was a lot to process after the hell they’d been through, and it had taken every bit of those five years to finally make some degree of an inch of difference. Some days tended to be worse than others, however. Even leading Hinata to occasionally subject himself as a rag doll to merely appease Saionji from bullying Tsumiki to tears every day. In those times, Koizumi proved herself to be some godsent blessing with the gifted ability to calm the storm in mere seconds, compared to Hinata’s droning hours of consolation. Still, nothing could bite more than the exasperated glare the Ultimate Photographer would snipe at him – if Hinata thought about it, it was not unlike saying, “This is why I can’t trust you useless boys to do anything right.” Quite frankly, Hinata sometimes wished he could share the same sentiment, especially in despite of his goodness-believing heart. But even on their worst days, Hinata considered himself lucky that despite taking on the burden of helping each of his classmates overcome their problems, they all understood that everyone was making a conscious effort to be kinder to themselves, making an effort to change themselves. Well… Almost everyone.

“Oh! Hinata-kun, there you are!” And of course, as if on cue, he would show up. And there it was… that pestering bubbling heat and increased heartrate yet again. All that for an oft rambling and hope-obsessed clown. Hinata lifted his gaze from the restaurant table to meet Komaeda, a gentle smile playing on his face, not unlike a warm greeting. Though the boy in question seemed rather… out of breath than usual. “Were you looking for me?” ‘Is that why you’re panting and paler than a bottle of baby powder’ was the other snarking question he meant to ask, but Nanami had already told him off for being too blunt earlier that morning when he’d accidentally made Tsumiki cry. He wasn’t particularly fond of getting chewed out every time he opened his phone or laptop for work, only to find her glaring angrily back at him through the screen. Despite being the usually kind-hearted and hyper-realistic AI that he and Naegi managed to restore, she sure was… firm, at times. “Kindness is everything in these times, Hinata-kun!” she’d spoken true and befitting as the self-proclaimed Jabberwock Island peacemaker; not to mention, Hinata’s impulse control. Komaeda quietly tucked his hands into the pockets of his green jacket, shaking the hood off from his mess of white hair. The same green jacket he’d worn throughout the program, the same green jacket that he almost never takes off. “Well, actually, Naegi-kun is waiting for you outside. He has a shipment for us because of the, uh… rather unexpected weather.” “…Unexpected weather?” Hinata’s voice lilted in a bit of alarm, “Was there supposed to be a typhoon?” Apparently, judging from the mystified look on the other’s face, Hinata stood corrected. Still, a small but nervous smile played on his lips, “Not… really? I mean, you see, –"

“IT’S SNOWING BALLS DEEP, MY GUY!”

Mioda’s voice hollered out seemingly no where, booming through the opened doors was more like an electric jolt bouncing off the walls of the restaurant, loud enough to make both Komaeda and Hinata nearly jump out of their skin. Then again… that kind of volume was something they had yet to get used to, despite living alongside the embodiment of an amplified sugar-rush. And there wasn’t a surprise in the world that could make Komaeda look paler than a ghost, because as usual, he’s no more than a few tones shy of looking like a ghost. But to his credit, he had seemed healthier than he did in the program. But putting that aside, to Hinata, her line struck him as rather… peculiar, as he furrowed his eyebrows. Almost incredulous. Almost like she said… “It’s… what?” In an instant, the Ultimate Musician marched up till she was merely inches from the other’s face, slapping two hands on both cheeks just to squish them a little as if they were mochi. According to Hinata, saying that her magenta eyes were excitedly sparkling with one-hundred volts of energy would be a criminal understatement, even. “Ssssssnnnooooooooowwww,” she spoke, dragging out her syllables with surprisingly more patience than Hinata could ever consider her capable of. “Snow! It’s snow, Hajime-chan. It’s snowing, Haji—” “Ya-huh.” Hinata’s voice dripped in sarcasm, or rather disbelief, “And this here is literally a tropical island.” Even looking outside to the window of the restaurant, it was hard to tell if it was true or not – the skies were clear and blue, after all. He’d have noticed something wrong with the weather in the morning, wouldn’t he? Komaeda’s lips ghosted something like a grin, “You’re not wrong to be suspicious of a claim like that. That’s what I thought so too, but Naegi-kun came by with winter jackets for us because of the unexpected snowfall. That’s what I was trying to tell you earlier.” When their eyes met, the gears in Hinata’s mind slowly clicked together every bit of information. Not that he really needed to anyway, as when Komaeda began to shrug off his jacket, it was clear that the poor kid had been out of breath and shivering from being trapped in nothing less than a frosty snowstorm. Still…

A vibration in his pocket. Hinata immediately knew who it was. “Hinata-kun!” Nanami’s muffled voice resonated as he reached for his pocket, “Good morning, I just woke up a little while ago, but I happened to overhear!” Nanami’s avatar on screen stood with her hands clasped together, eyes glowing with about an eighth of Mioda’s excitement, “I know you’re confused but, looking at the special weather report the Future Foundation relayed to me a few minutes ago, it looks like this is sort of a rare climatic condition on the real Jabberwock island. Unlike the Neo World Program that almost always had sunny weather.” She paused to ponder for a moment, “Ah, plus, you know, global warming… I think.” Hinata’s lips pressed firm, letting out a loud huff through his nose as he watched her expression slightly pixelated, change to a gentle, but thoughtful look through the phone screen. Nanami continued, “I know how much the cold bothers you, but… I’m pretty sure it’s not some kind of ploy by the people to make us miserable.” There’s a slight lilt in her voice when she says that, almost amused, “It’s been years since you’ve all repaired the city anyway. I think, given the time of year, we should simply take it as it is and make the most of it.” “I absolutely concur, Nanami-san!” A familiar, regal tone of voice chirped up the stairs from the lobby. Noticing upon her entrance, Sonia had already taken the liberty of dressing herself for the winter, apparently having dug into the new shipment of winter jackets, though Naegi himself was no where to be seen. Being dressed in a baby blue faux-fur and silk trench coat, with Persian patterning at the hem and sleeve cuts, was rather fitting of her dignified but casual style as the Ultimate Princess. A voice from within Hinata’s head (that he didn’t want to hear) said that the Persian pattern ‘was actually and more specifically, an Iranian design, reminiscent of the Imam Mosque in the Isfahan province of Iran.’ Kamukura droned on like a bee humming by his ear, continuously supplying him with even more trivia as if he’d rehearsed the entire history of the ‘Safavid dynasty’ for this very day. But by that point, Hinata had already turned the volume dial in his brain to zero; a setting that he wished would stay as the default, but alas, he knew he owed much to Kamukura anyway for how far they’d come as survivors of a killing game. Might as well give him some time to shine. He figured that he’d be bored to death and back again if he too had to be sanctioned off to a corner of some mundane and talentless guy’s brain. Especially considering Kamukura’s lack of tolerance for uninteresting things, it’s a surprise he hadn’t gone into a hundred-year slumber to save himself the trouble of listening to Hinata. Or disintegrated from boredom by then anyway. Trailing significantly behind Sonia were Tanaka and Souda walking side by side, talking excitably about some new zoo tycoon game they’d heard about. Though with both having become surprisingly chummy in recent years, it wasn’t the most astounding sight to see. But granted, Hinata would be lying if he said it still didn’t make him smile a bit at least to see them joking around and sharing interests. Admittedly, it was both odd and endearing to see two former rivals in love (or rather, a genuine candidate and a one-sided lovestruck fool) become best friends. It had started off rather straightforward; clearly remembering the day Souda requested, insisted even, that he wanted to sit down with Tanaka and talk to him properly, saying that after taking time to reflect on the events of the past, he wished to apologize for his behaviour in the program and his treatment toward Sonia in the near future as well.

Surprisingly mature, Hinata had thought, and it turned out that the Ultimate Mechanic had in fact matured beyond his looks, greatly, through some damn near ground-breaking miracle. Souda had even taken it upon himself to recreate a miniature version of Nezumi Castle for Tanaka’s hamster companions as a token of friendship. Saying Tanaka was pleased would, once again, be a rather grave understatement, so far as going to rather shyly pledging his lifelong companionship, in his own unique way, to the teary-eyed young man who’d bowed a full ninety degrees forward.

If he had to think about it, Komaeda really wasn’t the only one who had the power to make Hinata’s heart stir. Every time he would be lucky enough bear witness to a slightly kinder change in behaviour from his classmates, without fail, there would be a rush of warmth filling his chest. Though undoubtedly a different feeling from the sensation that coursed through him, reserved for just that one person; but Hinata felt that he should digress from such thoughts when the boy in question was standing in front of him, unperturbed and unknowing of it all. Nonetheless, Hinata would rather have everyone get along in peace. He’d rather everyone build on from their pasts. They’d never be able to forget it, but at least they’d be able to learn from what had transpired.

At least they had another chance at life, right?

“Hinata-kun?” Yet again, that soothing voice brought his thoughts back to the present, grounded him. Komaeda was definitely still a work in progress when it came to being kinder to himself, but he had definitely grown to love his classmates wholeheartedly even disregarding the idea of talent. For now, this would do. Grey eyes met green in curious concern, and a kind, rejuvenated smile rested on Hinata’s lips to reassure the other boy. “It’s nothing.” A step closer, a little bolder, and he let his fingertips barely brush his shoulder, “Why don’t we all head outside and just enjoy the day then?”

White. Just cold and white. There wasn’t a single damn inch as far as Hinata could see that wasn’t covered in snow.

Sure enough, as they stood there freezing with frigid air chilling and drying out their lungs, Naegi had sent them off with a wave accompanied by a dashing smile and a carefree, “See you later, don’t get sick in the cold, Hinata-kun!” leaving the winter supplies behind, heating system parts and all. Easy for him to say, when he lived in an apartment funded by the Future Foundation. Rather easy for him to say, when he didn’t live on a crusty old island with parts breaking down every other day, hearing Souda breaking out into the hysterics of a banshee-like fit from witnessing his handiwork falling apart due to weathering and bad luck before his eyes. Though, as always, Komaeda tended to topple the blame of faulty parts onto himself. A bit of a stupid and breathy, “Ahaha… what rotten luck for me to be around and cause so much misfortune on everyone again,” would come out of Komaeda’s mouth every second day, and with Souda curling into fetal position on the floor all the other days. Hinata had always thought it to be the obviously visible rust and metal-eating acidic residue but, of course, what did he know?

The parts sent along to them were probably table scraps, he knew he could expect that much; despite all their work for the Future Foundation, even rebuilding the city with the rest of his class and doing additional charity and rehabilitation work for the survivors, there would still be passing comments a little too harsh for their own liking. Whether they were on the way to Naegi’s office, or running an errand for Kirigiri, there was always a snide comment or cold shoulder out of nothing but prejudice, but they’d gotten used to it by now. They had to. Undoubtedly, they were the ones to get the second-hand materials. Maybe they were still nothing more than an afterthought to them, discarded, removed from society’s ranks like used rags back onto the island where they’d tried to kill each other, though they voluntarily wished to come back. Even so, they were nothing more and nothing less than the Ultimate Despair.

However unkind the few cold-hearted were, over the years in and out of the city, at least most of the members had warmed up to them. Possibly a result of the tireless hours of labor, nursing those who became sickly back to health, and putting their lives on the line for the city they sought to destroy all those years ago, together. It was the least they could do. Hinata knew by the sickly look on The Imposter’s face, or the exhaustion lining both Kuzuryuu’s and Koizumi’s features, that they were all trying their damnedest to do their best and make up for the loss they’d caused. Even through their worst days, bickering and hair pulling and terror riding through their bones, they tried their best while rediscovering the bonds they had once forgotten. That earnestness in those seemingly hopeless yet hopeful days was all that mattered to him. That’s all that should matter to anyone at this point, if he could be honest with himself. Hinata found himself prying away from the rest of the class, most of whom stood around gawking and poking at the snow like school children seeing a heavy snowfall for the first time in their lives. Taking hold of the box cutter Souda lent him from his toolkit, Hinata sliced open the top of the second box that remained unopened. Supposedly, these held the parts that he’d later let Souda tinker around with to build what Naegi was a heating machine, and surprisingly enough, the bottom of the box and the snow under it wasn’t stained with rust. ‘Maybe we got parts that weren’t drenched in acid rain for once’ he found himself joking with a half-exasperated smirk on his face. Though, if he were completely honest, it wasn’t far fetched from the old truth at all. The new truth, however… “We got brand new parts?!”

Souda’s voice chirped (correction: shrieked) loud enough to be heard across a baseball stadium. To say Hinata was merely confused by such statement would be rather dry. And yet, there Souda was; eyes twinkling, almost bright enough to rival Mioda’s one-hundred volts, (though he’d sworn he heard her distant whooping about another machine in the box) immediately digging through steel parts like a fox leaping headfirst into snow if only to bury half its body in it. Rather fitting, seeing as there was snow everywhere. Fitting, seeing how from his side profile whilst preoccupied with the fallen snow, even Komaeda looked like he could be Souda’s arctic fox companion, ready to indulge in winter’s joy as well; complete with his sly demeanor, bright eyes, cunning wit and charm and… being that kind of unconventionally yet infuriatingly attracti— “Ah, there’s also a note in here… Yo, Hinata, take care of this, would ya? It’s time for me to finally get cracking on some real machinery.” Hinata’s head whipped back to Souda as he stood, watching him attempt to pop his knuckles but failing soundlessly, instead excitedly stretching his arms over his head now that he’s in his element at long last. Throwing his hands on his hips and taking a heavy breath in, he looked just like an eager elementary school kid in spirit, just with the body of a 26-year-old, “Just like, look at this! It’s state of the art tech?! I can’t believe they got their hands on this, and I…” As nice as it was to see Souda excited, Kamukura or not, Hinata had no particular fancy in machine parts, especially something like air conditioning parts. But if Souda could practically get off to it, he really wouldn’t be one to stand in his way. Yet again, he digressed from that mental image with a grimace on the inside and a polite smile paired with a thumbs up on the exterior. Not even Kamukura had the energy to interfere; for once, the two of them concluded unanimously with what could be summed up as, ‘Yeah, just let the man deal with it.’

The note, now in Hinata’s grasp, however, garnered an interest from both of them. “To the…” A pause. He blinked once, then twice. Was he reading this right? “To the… graduated class of 77-B… this, among some other incoming shipments, are our gift to you.” Hinata read out loud to everyone. It wasn’t the ‘Remnants of Despair’, it wasn’t a vaguely sugar-coated reference to ‘criminals’, it wasn’t any other biting remark or degrading comment they’d grit their teeth and smiled through during their gruelling days of work. Simply, the graduated class of 77-B. “Despite our differences in the past few years, we here at the Future Foundation have come to acknowledge the efforts that you all have put into rebuilding the city.” Hinata paused, taking a deep breath, “In the past week or so, our dispatched team has done a thorough final cleaning, rehousing any remaining rehabilitated survivors into the buildings that you all have helped to rebuild. There is no longer any need for your services, as we have a fairly capable maintenance team. We will still provide necessities to Jabberwock Island until we can establish finer details for currency, as we realize that it is still too scarce to be of fair value. You are free to return to the Future Foundation for work, or consider this an early retirement or rehabilitation, though the supposed pension may not be grand.”

Pulling the paper away from his face, he carefully read the last line with a steady voice, “For the misconduct and poor treatment due to our negligence and distrust, we hope that you can accept our apologies. Thank you for your hard work. Signed, Togami Byakuya.” There was little to do but tuck away the letter and let the words sink into his mind. His mouth felt dry all of a sudden, feeling a rush deep in his chest like pain and relief at the same time. At long last… at long last, they could be seen for a little more than criminals. Without a doubt, the burden of their crimes would still be carried on their backs, but… “Hinata-kun…” Komaeda’s hand found it’s way to his shoulder, crouching beside him, Hinata unaware of when he himself had come down to his knees at all, “I’m surprised it’s Togami-kun of all people addressing us so politely, I would’ve thought it was Naegi-kun this entire time.” He let out a chuckle at the thought, probably imagining it as well. “But isn’t it a good thing, then?” “I mean, who knows, Togami might as well have been held at gunpoint by Naegi to write nicely.” Hinata responded, watching Komaeda throw his head down to try and hide his laughter, though he wished he could see it anyway. He continued, “…But by “a good thing” you mean, to be acknowledged as Ultimates?” Hinata’s eyebrows furrowed in slight confusion. To that, Komaeda merely smiled warmly, “To be acknowledged as equals, as people, people who have been redeemed as symbols of hope.”

Hearing Komaeda’s words and turning back to him, the way the sunlight caught his eyes and reflected off the crisp and pure white snow made him seem like he was glowing. Maybe he was, in Hinata’s eyes at least. It made him think time and time again about how things had changed since they’d first arrived back on the real island; they couldn’t even say they were truly “back” because nothing was ever quite the same as the program. Nothing was the same except for the feelings that stuck to them, buried inside them. The motivations, the pain, and the horror. All of the ugly aspects and hardly ever the beautiful. What could you make of the place you spent the most traumatizing days of your life in. The place where you were full of feelings of distrust, confusion, and betrayal, where the wrong choice could be the end of the road for everyone. The place where you both loved and feared the people you lived alongside. Someone like Komaeda in the Neo World Program, full of hysterics and twisted tongues and horrible ideals that had truly rolled the game into motion – someone he never fathomed to forgive or trust another day, and yet, when he looks at the same man now, he’s overcome with the strangest feeling of hope. Dare he say happiness, even. Happiness for the fact that they had all slowly brought out the best within themselves despite their trauma and loss. The hope that contrasted so starkly against their despair, much like the hardships in any average person’s life tends to illuminate the good. It gave him peace of mind, for their second chance at life. Even Komaeda, despite his persistent self-deprecating ways, had been able to make at least an inch of progress. Maybe not towards himself, but to others – he’d come forward, trying to change his way of thinking, bit by bit each day. Speaking of a new hope, the one that they had built together, instead of the ideal he had to desperately cling to all his life for sanity in a world where fate would backlash at every step of the way. It took an immense amount of trust on both of their parts, but it was worth the risk. Things had definitely changed. And he was okay with that. __

It was only a day after arriving back on the island that Komaeda had immediately started disappearing for most of the day. Whether he was trying to punish himself or test the trust of his overly-kind classmates, he didn’t quite know. Perhaps all he probably wanted, was to merely… Decay. Like rotting fruit that was never sweet to begin with, just the regretfully wrong choice to pluck from the tree. The one that would undoubtedly infect the rest of the barrel. It was just a mistake.

Despite the generosity of Kamukura’s skills, alongside Hinata’s well-wishes, maybe all it was that he merely felt obligated to bring everyone, including himself, back to life; for a second chance, for redemption, for “hope”.

And he hated it.

It wasn’t supposed to be like this was it? He was supposed to die, even with regrets writhing somewhere in him, even with words left unspoken, it was fine if he was just left to die. He wasn’t supposed to see him again. He wasn’t supposed to wake up every day, seeing her wrist hanging lifelessly where his used to be. It didn’t matter if there were things left with loose ends, when a life is taken by someone’s hands or even their own, they cannot come back to life. That was never the reality he was forced to grow used to. Not matter how long he would sit praying with clasped hands and white knuckles for hours on end, incense and prayer bells ringing in his eardrums until he could hear the ringing in his sleep, eyes burning and heart aching for another chance to say, “Have a nice day at work,” just for a mere chance to see the ghost of his hope all those days. Even if he couldn’t get any closer to them in the time that they were alive, because it was as if a wall stood between them; no matter how hard he ran, the distance never closed between him and his loved ones. Maybe now, he realized, that they were sparing themselves of his horrific luck cycle, only to be struck by it anyway. Hopeless. Futile. Just like him. At least a realistic hope, void of such grandeur and delusions like a second chance at life, was the only thing his luck would ever validate. Not some fantasy, nor would it entertain a chance at a happy ending. It wasn’t supposed to, and ideally, he would have stayed dead if not for the meddling reserve course student who he tried so hard to despise. Who he knew he should despise. But things would have to stay this way, he supposed. Orchestrating another suicide would be too troublesome, too exhausting, too much of a hassle to clean up. Going out in silence like a light without wasting any resources would be the better option anyway, wasn’t it? Even if it was the difficult way of leaving for good. At least there would be no chance of bringing a shrivelled corpse back to life.

Though he was buried in his thoughts, Komaeda could make out someone standing beyond the door from the shadows on the ground. Before even seeing his silhouette, he know who it was; and he knew he shouldn’t even be in here. The door to the warehouse flew open at last, exposing Hinata under the frame, with yet another stern and annoyed expression as he eyed Komaeda sitting on the dusty ground. Even someone like him would be disgusted after all. The air between them was mostly silent, as usual; after arriving on the island, Komaeda made sure to distance himself from everyone and drop the act of friendliness out of politeness. After all, no one should have to deal with someone like him for longer than necessary, not even if they’d all done terrible things. He was an attempted murderer, at that, knowing Hinata had figured it out during that last trial he’d heard rumors of. Even if he did feel that he was justified at the end of the day.

And it was always Hinata. Every day he would disappear from the main island and away from everyone, he’d always be the one to bring him back; often wrapping his fingers around Komaeda’s left wrist in a firm, almost scolding manner, and pulling him along behind him out of whatever rut he’d dug himself into for that day, like some mechanical ragdoll on autopilot. Komaeda would often stare down at his wrist and fantasize about whether it’d tear right off his arm if Hinata was rough enough with him. Still, intrusive thoughts wouldn’t linger long enough when he could feel the heat of a living person on his skin. “So,” he’d started that day, “why is it that you insist on holding my hand every time you drag me back? Afraid I might run away?” He spoke in a low tone, something akin to apathy or embarrassment in his voice that he hoped Hinata wouldn’t catch. Hinata, on the other hand, didn’t seem bothered to turn around, “You could say that, and also that you always seem lonely when I find you.” “I don’t need your pity, Hinata-kun. Especially not from the likes of you.” That was the biting remark he’d expected. Rejecting, insulting, as if he hadn’t heard it all before. Still, the way he spit out those words made him feel the exhaustion he’d carried on from sleepless days even stronger, though he did nothing but treat the brief silence with a near-crushing grip on Junko’s rotting hand, knowing Komaeda couldn’t feel it in the slightest. “It’s not pity… and I don’t care what you think of me, even as the reserve course student you hate so much, but I know where I stand in this world.” Hinata spoke with a sigh, not letting emotion betray in his voice, nor did he let the insults get to him. One of the many things he’d learned he had control over better in his adulthood than in his youth, evidently. “It’s about time you do too.” “Oh, so it’s not pity? Enlighten me, then.” Even without turning around, Hinata could feel Komaeda spiralling as he spoke, “Isn’t it rather fitting that scum like me stays isolated in that warehouse, like a bird in a cage?” Komaeda said, a small laugh leaving with his breath at the end. “And what would you know about where I stand? I already know my place.” “Clearly you don’t.” Hinata slowed his pace down, knowing the conversation was going into uncharted territory, though it needed to be said, “At least, not with the way you’ve been treating yourself even after waking up a second time.” Komaeda froze. “Waking up��?” His lungs felt like someone filled them with smoke, like he couldn’t contain his voice anymore – feeling a burning sensation on his face he’d never really felt before. “Waking up?!” He stepped away from Hinata, tearing away his wrist like he’d just been burned. Some deeper part of his mind was gravely disappointed that Junko’s arm didn’t rip off from his flesh and skin right then and there. Bleeding, though it would only be his own fresh blood. Junko’s would be nowhere to be seen. “What would you have done if we weren’t in the program? If we had died for real, like we were supposed to, then what would you have to say to everyone who died? That’s not how this world works!” Komaeda started to pull at the fabric of his jacket in frustration, to the touch it was shabby and damaged and discoloured, even beyond it’s physical appearance – just like him. Hinata still wouldn’t fully face him, and that only aggravated him. Arrogant, foolish, reserve course student. His eyes widened, throwing himself further into shouting out, “You call your hope, some gaudy and artificial rebirth, ‘waking up’? And for what, the sake of criminals who destroyed the world—?“ “Get over yourself, Komaeda.” Hinata finally snapped back to the other boy. He’d done his best to keep his composure, and he wasn’t about to mess up entirely now, “Thinking of yourself at a time like this, when everyone has a second chance to redeem themselves. You think we don’t know what reality is? You think I liked waking up those first few days to see the face of a murderer looking back at me in the mirror? You think I liked having to throw up because I felt sick of myself for deaths which I had little to no memory or feeling of remorse for? It’s not like any of us expected to even have another opportunity.” Hinata’s sucked in air through his teeth sharply, jaws clenched tight when they weren’t moving, feeling something like adrenaline in his veins. Adrenaline, he thought, or maybe anger. “Komaeda, do you honestly think I haven’t regretted waking up, even once?” Hands that he didn’t realize were tightened into a fist pulled a little harder, watching Komaeda’s anger slowly drain from his expression, “So, what, are you going to tell victims like Koizumi and Mioda they don’t deserve another chance at life because of who they were? This isn’t just about us, but are you going to deprive yourself of another chance just because you’re hung up on the past? Give me a fucking break.” Komaeda couldn’t do anything but stay silent, this time not meeting Hinata’s eyes, but letting the warm air and the scent of summer rain on asphalt fill his lungs and slowly wash out the frustration he’d felt moments ago. Once again, it was always Hinata. It was always Hinata who managed to both infuriate him and ground him every time. “Then again, I never could understand that ‘hope’ of yours, even at the very end. Still…” Letting his now quivering grip relax, Hinata took another deep shaky breath, closing his eyes for just a moment to figure out what he wanted to say. There was no room for mistakes, especially when he had an opening like this with someone like Komaeda Nagito. “You’re allowed to be angry at the outcome, I can’t dictate how you’re meant to feel. But I know you still have a place in this world, despite everything. Even if it’s difficult to remain here, you still belong with us, as an equal in 77-B. As a friend.” At those words, the tension seemed to dissipate slowly; but there was still never any sure telling, Komaeda could revert right back to building those thorn walls around him, desperate to keep well-wishers out lest his luck bring them misfortune. But Hinata needed the change. They wouldn’t be able to move forward without the acknowledgement alone; he wanted to move forward with everyone no matter how long it took, including Komaeda. Especially Komaeda, even if he couldn’t quite understand why he was so desperate for him to follow. “Not even your luck can stop you from taking pleasure in the simple things in life. Not as long as we’re around to support you. But nothing will change unless you want it from your own heart… though, just so you know, I do want to see you happy some day.” Hinata reached for his hand, his real hand, and smiled gently despite everything – to remind him that everything good and everything bad in their lives was most definitely real, that he wouldn’t be alone when facing them, that there was better means of retribution that didn’t lead them to suffering quietly. Not every bit of damage will disappear, but even if it means some things may merely fade, others will heal eventually.

“Tsumiki took a crash course for counselling and now runs a therapy clinic, with help from assistants at the Future Foundation.” Hinata looked to the sky, wondering when patches of it started to change a little from red to purple. “Let’s go together tomorrow, okay?”

Komaeda faced the floor and mumbled under his breath, leading Hinata to furrow his eyebrows in confusion, “Huh? Did you say something?” At that point he’d also noticed he was still holding Komaeda’s hand. Neither of them seemed to notice or care a whole lot, so of course he wouldn’t be the one to bring it up. Though Komaeda’s insults were mostly empty, but when caught off guard, it wasn’t like his confidence was high enough not to get curb-stomped by the jabs anyway. “So you’re talentless and hard of hearing too, huh?” Komaeda shot an unimpressed look at him, to which Hinata could merely shrug weakly before the other let out a sigh, “I said, Ultimate Persuader.” Komaeda’s lips ghosted the slightest hint of a grin, as he immediately casted his eyes to the floor, “I guess… I bet it rubbed off on you from Kamukura-kun, but it’s fine. I’ll take you up on your offer, if you so insist.” And that was that, Hinata supposed. Though some days were more troublesome than others, Komaeda found himself wandering back to the warehouse less and less to plot the way the Spear of Gungnir pierced his abdomen in the program, neither would he lay on the filthy ground and pray to rot in silence where he lay. Instead, he’d let Hinata gently grasp the fingertips of his right hand, every Sunday afternoon on their way to the third island.

–

“Ah… so a karaoke machine, is it?” “No shit, it’s a karaoke machine. Big brother, don’t you have ears? Or eyes, for that matter? Ones that aren’t always following that cotton-head creep?” Saionji stuck her tongue out distastefully at Hinata, eventually skipping away from the stage where the machine had been propped up gracefully thanks to the heaving efforts of what Souda dubbed one lazy afternoon as, The Muscle Hustlers, Owari and Nekomaru. Hinata, like most people with at least a bit of taste, despised that name; though at least he didn’t demand a cash refund for violating his ears unlike Saionji.

Hinata didn’t pay any attention to that snide remark either, though he wondered if she merely came around to insult him for fun. After all, Saionji was always full of them, and entertaining or even refuting them would only end up with someone on the verge of tears – usually Saionji. Though it wasn’t her being driven to tears that he feared as much as he felt bad for; it was Koizumi’s wrath that he actually feared. Making someone’s girlfriend cry would do that, he supposed.

After spending a bit of time on his own, mostly tweaking things or vegetating, he’d come out for the invitation to the party at Titty Typhoon, apparently to congratulate themselves on an early retirement… or rather, graduation. And by the looks of the karaoke machine, decorations, and booze on the table, things were about to get rather loud rather fast. Though, he had to really hand it to Mioda for whipping everything up so quickly; she really was a different kind of motivated when it came to music and parties. On their own, they were enough to make her excited but, together with an alcohol-enthused Kuzuryuu looking forward to the drinks, it was something like getting the already-hyper Mioda Ibuki to chug an energy drink and a coffee at the same time. Basically, a rather dangerous combination that Hinata would consider getting Kamukura to split an atom would the safer option between the two. Even Imposter had a hard time keeping up with everything despite being one of the main organizers, and honestly, who could blame them? At least, it looked like everyone had arrived and was having a relatively good time. Hanamura was busy in the kitchen, whisking away at comfort food made gourmet by perfection; even he had come around to accept that it wasn’t bad to embrace his roots with homely cooking, to honor his mother. For her sake, he’d also given up on perverted tactics and jokes over the years. Though he never quite brought it up, but Hinata eventually noticed anyway. Everyone else had someone to talk to or something to do – he found Komaeda laughing and chatting with Pekoyama over their soft drinks, Nekomaru and Owari helping with aligning the lights on stage, in exchange for glazed hams to their hearts content, bellowing out cheers as they lifted giant rods of iron off the ground to move to storage; all the while, Tsumiki stood by and panicked, crying out to be careful as the two of them hoisted everything with nothing but their bare hands and a whole lot of willpower. He saw Sonia, Gundham, and Souda playing card games at their own table, watching Sonia slap down a card with a triumphant grin and watching the other two crumble before her. Fuyuhiko, on the other hand, he spotted near— “Hinata-kun?” Nanami’s voice chirped beside him, snapping him out of his trance. He’d almost completely forgotten that she’d woken up for the party. He huffed at himself, some insensitive friend he was. “Sorry, it’s all good Nanami. I was just thinking about… things.” “You were spacing out and looking at everyone. Especially you-know-who.” “You-know-who?” He snorted, “What are you, a grade schooler?” “You-know-who means Komaeda.” She bellowed out louder than she needed to, and, naturally, the man in question whipped his head around at the sound of his name. Hinata felt like sweating buckets. Or being struck by lightning. Nanami, on the other hand, relished in his embarrassment and waved at Komaeda through the screen, which he had cheerfully reciprocated before turning back to Pekoyama who merely smiled between the four of them. He took a deep breath, “That,” he jabbed toward the screen, “Was unfair.” Throwing his back to the wall again, he huffed irritably, only to hear Nanami chuckle quietly. “Sorry, sorry. But, tell me honestly, do you see it too, then?” Hinata’s eyebrows creased a bit at the question, “See what?” “The way everyone has grown.” A somber atmosphere settled between them at those words. “Yeah. I do.” Hinata cast a small smile at her, which she warmly gave back. She exhaled, as if letting out all her worries in one swift action. Hinata wished it were that easy, but he was more than grateful to see that his friend could allow herself to relax for once. “Well…” she spoke, glancing at each of her classmates, “I’m glad I got to see it, even if I’m not exactly… real.” Hinata stiffened, “What are you saying? Of course you’re real.” His crossed arms let down, hands folding behind his back as his head turned towards Nanami, who idly fidgeted with the cuff of her sweater like a nervous child, “You existed in all of our lives as our friend and you’ll always be our dearest classmate. You’re undoubtedly real to all of us.” His chest ached a bit as he said so, knowing full well about all that Nanami had done for everyone, knowing full well what Nanami means but refusing to truly acknowledge that. He supposed it was a bit selfish of him, to live in a bubble of ignorant bliss when the irony was that he’d been fine with accepting reality every other way. But this way was still too difficult, even for him. “You’re the one who’s been helping Tsumiki with the therapy sessions after all. Helping all of us. There’s no way I could ever forget that.” He felt a knot in his throat that wouldn’t go away no matter how hard he swallowed, strangely enough. Though there was nothing particularly emotional going on unless loud music, friendly banter, and a celebration they’d make sure to remember truly counted. Somehow, he still felt like crying of all things. “Ah… I was trying to keep that a secret… but it’s okay.” She smiled, and Hinata knew that no computer monitor would be able to contain her warmth and kindness. “It’s funny… I guess I’m a bit of an existentialist, even if I don’t quite exist.” Hearing those words, Hinata found himself hesitantly opening and closing his mouth, wanting to refute them; he knew everyone still had their sore spots, but above all he knew how much Nanami had to suffer all this time. Each and every one of them had suffered. But Nanami… she had to watch them gruel through the whole process, every day, even if the others were vile with each other during their first few days of waking up. Even when things felt like they were getting better, someone or another would relapse, and Nanami, without fail, would be there to rescue the deteriorating situation when Hinata had his hands tied. Not knowing how to say it properly, Hinata subconsciously patted the top of the monitor, getting a confused sound from Nanami before awkwardly shoving his hands back into his pockets. “S-sorry… still not quite good at the whole ‘emotions’ thing.” “Mhmm…” She laughed, “Neither are any of us, but that’s fine, Hinata-kun.” Their quiet chat was soon broken by Mioda’s voice on stage, beaming and hopping as she asked everyone to find seats, before bringing out a shoebox with a hole on the lid. According to her, whoever’s name would be drawn from the box would be first up to sing; karaoke was going to be consisting entirely of her favourite songs from anime and video games of her choice, with the singers completely randomized, meaning, it was a matter of luck. Luck. And his thoughts, as always, trailed right back to the Ultimate Lucky Student, who he found with his hands knitted together gracefully as he looked up at his friend on stage with an encouraging smile. Mioda, having caught his attention, all but winked back. Rattling the whole box like a pair of maracas, Mioda eventually picked out a scrap piece of paper from out of the box with her eyes squinted shut, peeking out one eye like a child once it was unfolded. A cattish grin on her lips as she read out the name, “Ibuki picked… Ko-ma-e-da Nagitoooo-chaaaaaaaaaaaan!” Pointing straight at the seemingly unlucky winner, who sat with an expression that changed from his warm smile, to somewhere between giving up and straight up petrification as he slowly stood, getting a handful of cheers from the rest of the class.

Maybe it was the lights, or the way Komaeda was practically glowing as he climbed up on stage, that made him more emotional than usual. Hinata didn’t think often about his feelings, lest they get carried away and become something like infatuation. He wondered, quietly while casting a glance to the computer screen again, if Nanami could analyze and pick up on the storm of emotions whirling in him.

“Okay! So, I’ll only play a song you know, from some anime that we’ve watched together, if you’re cool with that!” Mioda chattered away as she stuck her face into the amp, adjusting frequency levels with enough skill and precision that there wasn’t a second of feedback. Komaeda all but shrugged resignedly, legs stiffly pressed flat together, and hands clasped tightly in what looked like nervous habit… awfully cute, if Hinata could be honest. Mioda stood up, microphone in hand and whispering into Komaeda’s ear, his expression going from anxiety, to surprise, to anxiety again. “Really?” He looked unamused at whatever she’d said, exasperated even, before he went right back to being nervous, “Mioda-san, you know I can’t sing, I’ll only hurt everyone’s ears,” he’d whispered back with urgency, almost with a bit of shyness, unaware that the mic was picking up on his voice perfectly despite whispering. “You’ll be fiiiine, Nagito-chan! I’ve heard you since before, you’re amazing!” Mioda hugged him from the back and squeezed, while Hinata felt the slightest twinge of jealousy that she got to hear him singing before. “Oh… please don’t say that about tr—” he shook his head, “About me.” He took a deep breath, trying to steady his nerves, “But if you insist…” Mioda winked at him, pointing a one-hand finger gun at the karaoke machine, the music turning on as she “shot” it. Faintly, he could hear Fuyuhiko curse in disbelief, “How the hell…” before being hushed by Pekoyama. As the lights everywhere else dimmed, Mioda’s voice was heard once more, “Nagito-chan will be singing ‘Song of Truth’ by Do As Infinity!” The sound of the instrumental filled the room, most notably, the sound of a stringed instrument. “The jinghu,” Kamukura supplied, “It’s a Chinese instrument known for it’s unique high-pitch melody.” Hinata supressed a sigh, resisting the urge to whack his forehead (as if it’d do anything but sting) but begrudgingly stored that information in his brain anyway. He tuned out everything, focused on the boy on stage; visibly less nervous, much to Hinata’s relief, though he kept his eyes shut, he could’ve sworn Komaeda peeked and smiled at him before taking a deep breath.

The first few words from him resounded. A melodious hum reverberating from quiet lips, foreign, but sweeter than honey. It’s just as calming of an effect – it’s not overpowering, not really, but the sound has a way of making gears click into place, make the lights seem less glaring, but a softer bloom instead; it made him glow in a manner that’s ethereally… beautiful. Charmingly complimenting the soothing grace carried in each note of his song, and the way his silver eyes would momentarily betray melancholy even in low light.

It trailed goosebumps up Hinata’s arms.

Hinata knew that he wasn’t the only thoroughly mesmerized in the room, but in some ways, he couldn’t be bothered to take his eyes off the boy who’d made a prisoner out of his attention, much like his own heart as he’d begrudgingly learned over time. As he’d learned of the unwavering and pure affection, he accepted it with endearment little by little. Komaeda wasn’t such a bad guy, after all. Misguided, surely, but it wasn’t like they weren’t all at fault for what had transpired. It wasn’t like Hinata didn’t have blood on his own hands, despite taking a different name and form. But at their core, there was no lying about it. They weren’t bad people. There was still time to learn and recover from their pasts. And they had, Hinata was certain that they most definitely overcame their greatest hurdles. And now that the bigger storms were calmed, there was still time to take Komaeda’s hand and show him what it’s like to live without fear; with unconditional… love, was it? Love from himself and their classmates, their friends. It would be okay, so long as they kept living and pushing forward. Being with Komaeda, growing alongside him, learning and understanding him over the years… it had only affirmed his affections, it had only made him want to stand beside him and help him be happy, just as he had done the same for him on the many nights Hinata would break down.

Hinata listened to the song, not bothering to filter the way the words strike him any longer. He’d simply let his emotions flow knowing he couldn’t push them away quite as easily anymore. He would stop pretending that he wasn’t shamelessly staring, watching the way his expression would crease just slightly at the more difficult lines, at the stronger notes. He would stop pretending that he didn’t notice how Komaeda had started to take care of himself a little more, even if it was out of reluctance. He would stop pretending that he didn’t appreciate how he went out of his way to support his classmates through difficult times and moving past their sins, even if he was still rough around the edges. He would stop pretending that he didn’t care, that he didn’t have feelings for him, as much as a mess they both were. As Komaeda’s song came to a close, the rest of the class broke out in cheers and praise, most of them hollering in surprise at Komaeda’s bit of hidden talent as he stood there like a nervous doe. In the back of his mind, Hinata thought it to be rather timid for someone who’d threatened to blow up five islands, but he felt that he could be cut some slack from all that nonsense. Nothing quite made sense back then, after all, but he was happier to know the real Komaeda. All the while, Hinata felt suddenly overwhelmed with just how empty his lungs felt after everything and rushed out for air as discreetly as possible. Though trying to be inconspicuous, he was sure at least Nanami would have noticed… unless she fell asleep, that is. Nonetheless, Hinata slipped out the front door quietly amidst the chaos, taking in the chilly air in deep breaths as he placed himself on the nearby bench, suddenly taking notice of the ice-skating rink near the ruined beach the others had probably set up. He was sure that the third island wasn’t the cleanest island, rather, it was the one that held the second-most amount of junk right next to the fifth – but all in due time, he supposed, every last one of the islands would be properly cleaned up soon enough now that they were done with the mainland.

After what he guessed was ten minutes, he could very faintly hear Sonia’s voice in a duet with Owari; a surprising but lively combination, and the song seemed to be fairly upbeat even if he couldn’t make out the words. Even so, it warmed his heart. Maybe because he felt like a forty-year old in a twenty-seven-year old’s body, it was like the world moved far too quickly during his youth. There never was much time for him to really be a teenager, if he really thought about it. There was too much going on between the blurred lines of his childhood memories, the bandages, the arguments in the kitchen, all while he pored hours day in and out into his studies for cram school and exams; and then there was Hope’s Peak, and all the pain and frustration and longing to be significant that came with it. It consumed those years, burning them faster than cotton, like his life was nothing more than fodder for entertainment and testing the limits of ground shattering low esteem for a boy who knew no better than to give up his body to some greed-driven scientists, and that if some cruel God was out there taking pleasure out of his hellscape of a life, well… he knew that by the fact that he was still alive meant that he had the last laugh, at least. The sound of boots crunching in the snow approached from behind, and, lucky him, it was Komaeda with two hot drinks in his hands. “So, this is where you disappeared, huh?” He sat down beside him, shivering a bit at the touch of the frozen bench before handing Hinata his drink, appearing to be the hot tea that Koizumi prepared with Sonia much earlier. “My singing was pretty atrocious, huh?” He laughed softly and glanced towards the fairy lights decorating the posts and fences outside, right before Hinata’s eyes went wide, “What?! No! Of course not, it was amazing, I didn’t even know you could sing that beautifully— I just… needed some air.” Komaeda looked at him with skepticism, though the light bit of pink on his cheeks betrayed otherwise; that biting look of “reserve course student” had been long gone, but he probably still enjoyed lightly jeering on Hinata on a good day. “Hmm… well, if you say so!”

A beat of silence passed between them, with nothing but the gentle lapping sound of the ocean shore, and the muffled music and cheers from within the music venue. Hinata loved moments like this, where even if it was silent, Komaeda’s company never quite felt anything except comfortable. If they were still in the program, undoubtedly, he’d probably beg to differ but… now that he got to know about his favourite side of Komaeda, things were different to say the least. It reminded him of the Komaeda that waited for him to wake up on that otherwise lonely and terrifying day.

“Say, do you think we’ve changed since waking up?” Hinata spoke quietly, as if worried he’d break the solemn atmosphere. Komaeda shifted in his seat, smiling, “Without a doubt, Hinata-kun.”

Hinata looked up to the sky; hoping the clouds would clear soon. It had been a while since he’d seen the stars in their full glory, and even now, there were still days when parts of the sky seemed more purple than blue. Like the sky, they could never completely heal either, but even that was alright. Healing was never a straight path in the first place. “I’m glad you think so too.” “It’s actually funny you mention that, Pekoyama-san and I were talking about the past as well… how much we’ve changed as a class.” Komaeda spoke somberly, watching his expression become something like nostalgic, his breath coming out as visible puffs of hot air at this time of night, “We talked about how we both considered ourselves tools for a greater cause, we never really put much value on our lives until our loved ones would say otherwise with their near-dying breath.” Komaeda paused, lazily rubbing his thumb over the length of his fingers in a half-hearted attempt to keep warm, and smiled. “I always knew she was pleasant and a great symbol of hope to me, but… now that I got to speak with her a little more, she really is a wonderful person… I guess we both had a lot more in common than we thought, huh?” Hinata nodded, quietly scraping, folding, and smoothing the compacted snow with the tip of his boot, as he listened to Komaeda talk his heart out for once, “Ever since that day you brought me out of the warehouse, and every time I would try to hide again, you would be the one to help sever that need to hurt myself. And I…” Komaeda fell silent, taking a shaky breath, making Hinata finally look back at him. His head was lowered to where he couldn’t meet his eyes, the street lights catching the white of the snow and the white of his hair, and Hinata had to all but resist the urge to pull him close and comfort him. “Do you remember the day we were all in the restaurant during a typhoon, Owari-san had taken up a blindfolded eating contest against Nekomaru-kun? Owari-san had won that, and when Saionji-san started to make fun of her, she playfully stuck a pork rib bone covered in sauce on the back of her kimono and it got stuck there like glue.” He smiled meekly at the memory, lifting his head again, “I don’t remember a time since we woke up that we laughed that hard. I probably wasn’t one of the people that laughed too much, I think. Because when we collected ourselves, I’d… broken down already.” The memory from five years prior was vivid, even today. He remembered standing close by the entrance of the restaurant, seeing at least three people doubled over, and Hinata in tears. Even somewhere in his hardened heart at the time, he felt joy. A different kind of warmth, like being together with a family. Feeling a fleeting but all too real spark of happiness. That joy was short lived when the reality started to set in. That sweet happiness had a rather bitter aftertaste when that single thought crossed his mind.

I tried to murder these people.

Overwhelmed by guilt, by frustration, his knees buckled as if the weight of his actions suddenly took a heavy toll on him, and before he could understand what was happening or how he was really feeling, he began sobbing like a child. Everything he had tried to do in the program was what he had known to do since the start, since the beginning of his life, in order to counter his luck and find the one thing that could defy it – hope. And yet, it was all wrong. If it weren’t for Hinata, then they wouldn’t be here, laughing, crying, creating a new life together because they were forced into a life or death game at the prime of their youth, when they should have been trying to find a way out. He was the one to tip the scale, he was the one to spark the fuse when it didn’t need to; at the cost of his own life, it was fine, but now when he looked at the others, he felt a tightness in his chest. He always despised dirty tricks, and he never was a good liar. Yet, he found that he did nothing but cause calamity. It suddenly felt clear as day how wrong he was, even if it was his means of surviving all throughout his childhood; what good was that when he was there to merely throw away his life? How selfish of him to play some sacrificial God and right their wrongs when, as Hinata had said that there was always, always another way out that didn’t have to have them suffer. So Komaeda cried. He cried like someone truly had died, crying out apologies over and over to no one in particular, like the child who had seen his parents get killed before his eyes once more, traumatized again and again like a pearl in its shell. And just as imperfect. He realized what he was trying to destroy for an ideal world when a world like that never existed, it was simply the imperfect yet endearing reality before him. And that, if this is how reality is today, then Hinata truly had forgiven him, and not out of reluctance – and he knew that he’d accepted Hinata as well. Amongst all this, not even realizing when Sonia, Hinata, Koizumi, Nekomaru, and his other classmates had knelt beside him, confused and apprehensive but still kind in the gesture alone. To comfort him of all people. They weren’t close, and yet… somehow, he felt that they could understand his regret and frustration. After all, they carried their own mistakes as well.

Somehow, Komaeda had to make it up to them one day and gain their trust, even if he wasn’t worthy of it. But for now, things were fine as they are. He was… happy, with the way things now are. Hinata exhaled, finally bundling up that bit of courage and letting his hand rest on the other’s shoulder and squeezed lightly; he wouldn’t admit nor deny the fact that he likely moved a few inches closer, not that it really mattered. “If I can be honest, I was wrong about you. You’ve… grown a lot since before.” he said, sticking out his legs to stretch only to hear his knees pop embarrassingly loud. Joint pain in your mid-twenties was a different kind of hell, altogether, and his timing was impeccable. “S-sorry, that was—” He cleared his throat, only for Komaeda to give an understanding nod. “Anyway, I’m glad that you don’t see yourself that way anymore. I’m glad that you gave everyone a chance, and most importantly, yourself.” Hinata’s voice softened, something like affection and pride welling in him. “I don’t want you to have to worry about your luck, or your health. After all, his luck will balance it out and… with how your treatment has been going successfully, I think we’ll be okay.” Hinata tried to ignore the way Komaeda quirked his eyebrow at the way he referred to Kamukura, but everyone and their mother probably knew about that complicated internal conflict already, “Kamukura and the others have been trying really hard and if they come out with a breakthrough. It’d be huge not only for us, but for anyone else affected similarly.” “Us…?” Komaeda hung onto that word, feeling a tightness in his chest. Hinata floundered to cover his embarrassment, but all the other boy did was laugh it off delicately. And in one graceful motion, he stood up, boots crunching in the snow as he took Hinata’s wrist in tow behind him. A small grin rested on his face as he tugged Hinata, who followed without much question, to the ice rink. Hinata stretched slightly after sitting for so long, carefully glancing between the ice rink and Komaeda, not quite enjoying the implication of him looking so lost in thought. “So, Hinata-kun, how badly do you think it’d end if we tried skating with snow boots on?” “Huh…” Hinata looked back at the other looking mildly impressed, “Look at you, taking risks for once in your life. I don’t know how to skate.” “Neither do I!” he joyfully replied, as if that were any more reassuring, “And as if me living and breathing isn’t already a risk,” Komaeda retorted, albeit those words were more playful than morbid, “Besides, if we fall through thin ice and end up with hypothermia, I could very well blame Kamukura-kun’s luck, couldn’t I?” he laughed, sticking a foot out at the edge of the rink to test just how slippery . Hinata grinned something mischievous, and at that, he took hold of Komaeda’s shoulders and shoved themselves out into the ice, both of them speedily spinning out of control for a moment while gripping onto each other’s arms for safety across the makeshift rink, like there was nothing but melting butter beneath their feet. Or, well, ice really would be close enough. Immediate regret, if their cries of panic were anything to go by; it wasn’t one of Hinata’s brighter ideas, but he’d be lying if he said this wasn’t fun either. It was rather surprising with how their balance, or rather, lack of it, didn’t get them killed was a mystery as they found themselves twisting and slipping in every direction. Komaeda eventually crashed into the pile of fresh snow, having given up on a graceful landing, with Hinata following closely and just barely crushing him – instead, he’d landed on the man’s prosthetic arm on his stomach, cursing as he did. Though the slight adrenaline was still running through him, Hinata immediately pried himself off the snow, worriedly taking hold of Komaeda’s arm to check it for any damage and babbling, “I-I’m so sorry, are you hurt? I didn’t mean for things to get that crazy…” He didn’t look back at Komaeda, feeling too embarrassed for practically crushing his arm in a stunt, and instead pulled the hand closer to his face, furrowing his eyebrows and inspecting between the metal joints and slender fingers that weren’t quite unlike Komaeda’s real hand. He wasn’t quick to notice that he was far from being in pain either, rather the silent realization that he had been holding his hand rather intimately hit him like a truck, heat pooling in his cheeks for reasons beyond the chilly weather. “Don’t… worry about it, I’m absolutely fine.” He smiled it off, watching Hinata give it one last wary eye to the prosthetic and back to Komaeda, before setting the arm down. Hinata sat looking down at the other lying in the snow, who had by then closed his eyes and breathing slowly, stretching his arms far out as if he was making the slenderest snow angel the world had ever seen or hugging the wide-open night sky. With a heaving breath and an endearing gaze, Hinata broke the silence, “I had my doubts, but… you really are still Komaeda Nagito.” Komaeda’s eyes slowly opened again at those words, “What do you mean?” “I mean that the boy I met at the beginning of the program, the boy I met at the end of the first trial, and the man I know now… they’re all the same.” Hinata’s voice felt a little tired from all the yelling, but he continued anyway, “I was scared that, I would never be able to see the kind-hearted friend I made at the very start ever again. One of my first friends, who I felt, at the time… betrayed me.” Hinata paused, catching the slight wince on Komaeda’s face. Though they were Komaeda’s contrived and warped ideals back then, he too was probably shaken by Hinata’s revelation as well… and now, somehow, it made sense when he started to piece together his luck cycle, his absolute dependency on hope, his desire for escapism from such a hellish fate and to merely live a normal life. And how ironic it was that they had the lives that each other yearned for. “But every good and bad thing about you, it was still always you, but… you’ve been able to overcome your fears, your shortcomings, with patience.” Hinata felt his heart picking up the pace, but smiled to cover his nervousness, “I guess it just means I can like you more now. Not that I could bring myself to hate you in the first place.” Komaeda pushed himself upright on his elbows, tucking in his knees and drawing his lips into the slightest smile, “Was that supposed to be some sort of confession?” Hinata scoffed, “Sure. But you think I’d give a half-hearted confession like that? Who do you think I am, some untalented reserve course student?” Hinata give a weak shove to Komaeda’s shoulder, to which he just laughed off. With his hair dusted with the sparkling white snowflakes like glitter, it became clear that Komaeda’s peachy hair had started to grow back, overtaking the lifeless white mid-length; and yet despite the healthier contrast against the snow, he didn’t look any less angelic. As Komaeda got up off his elbows, shaking the snowflakes and water droplets off the tips of his hair and jacket hood, Hinata caught himself wondering how everyone at the party was doing. When he cast a glance towards the music hall, he could faintly hear the voices of Souda and… what he could’ve sworn was Kuzuryuu, of all people, singing along. Komaeda laughed something short and sweet, catching the same drift as Hinata and the latter shaking his head in disbelief and amusement. Hinata’s attention was drawn away when Komaeda cleared his throat, “So what about you, then? You’re always looking after everyone else, so it’s only fair I ask about you, isn’t it?” Hinata’s chest tightened. “I’m fine, honestly. I’m just glad that everyone can take a break and focus on getting themselves better, since we’re done with the Future Foundation for the most part, you know?” He shifted in place, casting another glance at the sky and seeing a handful of stars peek through at long last. There was always a part of him that also wanted to hide behind the clouds when he didn’t want to face the world. “In that case, you can take it easy.” “I… really don’t want to hear that from you of all people, but…” Hinata held his breath for a moment, feeling the constraints holding his emotions in starting to falter, starting to feel even more tired, “No. It’s not enough.” The words that left him hitched at his voice. He had to be much stronger than that. “I haven’t done enough to make up for the damage I’ve caused. It’ll… it will never be enough.” Emotion flickered across Komaeda’s face, and Hinata hoped it wasn’t pity. “I see…” He spoke, huffing out whatever potential biting remark he had to say. Though instinctively, Hinata felt passive anyways. Instead what came out was the simple phrase he’d heard many times before, “Is that really the extent of your hope, Hinata-kun?” He had heard it so many times before; accusatory, disappointment cutting deep and nestled within those words – the words he heard during trials, like some sort of test that both drove him to the answer and drove him insane with irritation. Knowing, hearing, the incompetency he’d always treated himself with being thrown back at him by a mere stranger the moment he felt like giving up. Even if it was strangely motivating. Except this time, it was different. When Hinata met the calm grey of Komaeda’s eyes, there was no bite or disgust, his words alone were quiet, careful, almost like a genuine question and not the condescending tone he’d thrown on him and the others during the program. He knew it wasn’t a taunt. It couldn’t be. “You know… I thought I should’ve despised you when I found the truth. I knew you should’ve despised me with every fiber of your being. But I don’t think you did, not after seeing how you’re still so kind to someone like me. And it’s because of you that I have a new hope.” Komaeda reached out, holding the tips of Hinata’s cold fingers with his own freezing hands, just as he had all those years ago. “You’ve worked hard enough, Hinata-kun.” Those words were so simple. And so powerful. “You can rest now too. I’m proud of you, you know that?” Hinata felt like his heart stopped and started again at double speed. He felt like the lump in his throat just wouldn’t fade. The same one he’d felt earlier threatening to push him over. Neither would the pain crushing his chest keep it from feeling like it was difficult to breathe. Hearing the same words of reassurance he’d given to the rest of his classmates, time and time again, being returned to him by Komaeda of all people… somehow that struck him with a different kind of joy when he thought about how far they’ve come. Somehow that struck him with a different kind of grief, when he realized that he was just as damaged as they were. He was taking the brute force of the impact, after all, wasn’t he? He was allowed to cry, he was allowed to mourn, he was allowed to feel frustrated for the trauma they’d gone through watching their friends die, having to inspect their cold bodies and petrified and bloodied faces, having to prosecute the killer whom they considered a friend and standby to watch them be killed, and come back to the reality that they had caused so much suffering in the real world. He was allowed to feel remorseful. But he had just this moment, and the many more to come, to take a few steps back and try again. And he knew, that before anything else, over the years he had the chance to create a new life alongside his classmates – and the fact that Komaeda held him silently as he cried, not unlike the way Komaeda did all those years back. For that while that they sat there on the frozen ground surrounded by pristine white snow, there wasn’t a sound in the air but the quiet hum of a song that Hinata could already feel vibrating through his chest, all until his sobs quietened to a single hiccup. Undoubtedly, it filled him with that same feeling of peace and courage that he felt was strongest when he was by Komaeda’s side, watching him grow as his charming friend, as his kind-hearted classmate, and simply someone he’d come to care about more than he thought he’d like to admit. But it felt like, now, it really wasn’t such a bad thing to admit. He knew how Hinata had been carrying their burden wordlessly until now, watching him over the years and letting Hinata take his time, and the fact that, truthfully, Komaeda’s arms felt like the safest place in the world; Hinata knew he loved him, and though it wasn’t an easy road, he couldn’t say that it wasn’t worth it even if he wished there was an easier path there. “Komaeda…?” “Yes?” “I know you’re not stupid.” Hinata’s voice was only slightly muffled, buried in Komaeda’s shoulder, while his chest and face burned, “You were the first one to figure out the cases and help me even if I was slow. Even if you admittedly made it a bit harder and… I hadn’t treated you properly back then.” Hinata slowed his breathing a little, to catch his words, to catch his breath, to demand his heart to stop ricocheting off the walls of his ribcage, “So, you know then, how I feel about you. I meant it the first time I said it earlier.” For the second Komaeda’s grip loosened, Hinata felt his heart drop – only for him to tighten his embrace even more so, “What, that you’ve been flirting with me for the past five or six years?” He spoke with a devious grin, relishing the way the panic on Hinata’s face became more evident by the second. Komaeda laughed, “I mean, you pick up a thing or two in therapy, especially once you start to learn about the people around you. Since I’m not really good at these things, everyone was pretty helpful when I tried to figure it all out! Well, talking with others in a way that didn’t weird them out was never quite easy for me, and I guess I still am a bit awkward but… in some ways, I’ve gotten a better idea of what I should say.” Komaeda kindly ignored the shell-shocked expression Hinata wore at his revelation, albeit he found it amusing, and let that beat of silence pass peacefully. With hope in his grasp, in his arms. He takes another breath in, the same cold air, the same air that Hinata held with bated breath merely moments ago, loosely wrapping his arms around his waist and resting his forehead on his shoulder as he spoke, “I have always loved you, even when I tried not to. And I meant it the first time I said it, too… in the program, that is.” He pulled away, with a determined look, and the lightest hint of a smile on his face. And that was when Hinata saw confidence in his eyes, in his words, for the first time. The same Komaeda that was his very first friend on the island. The same Komaeda that had broken his trust. The same Komaeda that learned how to live again, who makes Hinata want to live, not just survive, by his side. “Even now, I still love you. These words… I know they—? I know they seem heavy but, trust me when I say that I’ve thought about it more times than I’d… like to admit.” Komaeda cast his gaze away, that confidence slightly wavering, only for Hinata to laugh inwardly and gently bump their foreheads together in endearment. Whatever made it easier for him to express his feelings, he had come this far at least was more than enough. “…That is, if you’re okay with someone like me. If you’re okay with me being the way I am.”

A genuine smile, warm and gentle and loving despite the cold, rested on Hinata’s lips. “What better time than right now?”

#komahina #fanfiction #komahina secret exchange

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