#but it is also like‚ i have this need to exercise my ability to forgive and believe in people. and there's an affective side to it too

[bredforloyalty]

going back to wolves, it's all the same it's the same thing as what i said about niceness and my cunt of a father

[electrikworm]

Playing Pretend: Chapter 1

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Relationships: Crosshair & Wrecker, Crosshair & OC (one-sided)

Content Warnings: Torture, whipping, Forced to hurt somebody, Blood and Injury, Zygerrian Slavery

Summary:

Being part Zygerrian, infiltrating a Zygerrian gang is all too easy for Crosshair. Things get significantly more difficult when Wrecker is captured. Crosshair is forced to torture his own brother as to not blow his cover. As things keep getting worse, Crosshair begins to wonder how Wrecker will ever be able to forgive him when he can't even imagine being able to forgive himself.

Chapter 1 written for @ailesswhumptober day 22: Forced to hurt somebody else and whipped

Written for @squad-724 Hybrid au, with amazing art by her as well :)))

Word count: 5,336

Read on Ao3

Despite his best efforts, Crosshair frowns when the whip is handed to him. It's an old-fashioned thing, made from heavy leather, thinning out towards the end and tipped with three heavy metal spikes. "What's wrong?" The Zygerrian that handed him the whip asks. She's the second in command of this little crime ring Crosshair's infiltrated, going by the name of Asesh. "Weren't you boasting about your ability to torture?" Crosshair scowls, ears flicking. His supposed skill in interrogation is the one of the reasons he was hired by the gang in the first place, beside his Zygerrian heritage. Whilst he hasn't got training in that area, he's certain he can improvise. Only issue is, he never anticipated he'd have to do so on one of his brothers.

The mission had been going fine. Infiltrating a Zygerrian gang isn't all too dificult when you're part Zygerrian yourself. They were all too ready to involve Crosshair in their group. Which was great of course, that's why he was chosen for the mission. Having Zygerrian blood will make Crosshair seem more trustworthy. It'll make it more likely that vital information will be shared with him.

All Crosshair needed was confirmation on if this gang was involved with the disappearance of two important senators. But things went slower than anticipated. He didn't want to push them to share something, worried he might cause them to distrust him. Maybe he should have been more persistent, than maybe things wouldn't have went so badly. With no way to safely contact his brothers, he had no way to inform them of the delay. They arrived for his extraction like planed and Crosshair had to hastily send them away. They'd gone unnoticed, or at least, that's what Crosshair thought until he was called for a meeting and Wrecker was dragged in, bound, gagged and beaten. He's not looked at Crosshair once since he's been manhandled onto his knees in the middle of the room by two of the larger gang members. "Whips aren't exactly my style," Crosshair says, trying to hand it back.

Asesh smiles, far too softly for someone asking Crosshair to torture his own brother. Of course, if she finds that out, they'll both be in Wrecker's position.

“You've never used a whip before? You've truly been kept from your heritage for far too long,” she says, shaking her head. “First I find out you don't speak Zygerrian, now this. Next you'll tell me you're against slavery.”

Asesh laughs, loud enough to make Crosshair's ears hurt. Crosshair joins her, faking amusement at the crude joke. It's not the first horrible thing of hers he's had to pretend to find funny, but this time hurts the most by far.

“I'll give you advice, don't worry,” Asesh says with a grin, patting Crosshair's back. “It will do you good to learn, to connect with your heritage. Whips also make for good exercise.”

Crosshair forces a smile.

“Don't we usually use a different type of whip?” Crosshair asks, inspecting the object in his hand.

Electro-whips are extremely painful, but to Crosshair's knowledge, are designed not to leave permanent damage. The leather whip he's holding looks vicious, if given a choice, he'd swap it for the electric variant. He's not getting out of doing this, might as well try and reduce the harm done to Wrecker.

Asesh scoffs. “Electro-whips are good, but are to keep merchandise from losing value. And we don't need this little intruder in good shape by the end of this.” She closes the gap between her and Wrecker, grabbing his face and laughing. “And have you seen him? Hideous! A few more scars won't make him uglier.”

“What even is he?” one of the guards asks, wrinkling their nose. Asesh shrugs.

“Part Lasat,” the second guard speaks. “Look at his feet and ears.”

The first pulls a face. “Never seen one of those.”

“You know, big, hairy, weird legs,” the second continues. Asesh shuts him up with a wave of her hand. Crosshair doesn't say anything. Best none of the Zygerrians know he has any familiarity with Wrecker or his species.

Crosshair has to fight the urge to put himself between Asesh and his brother as she prods at his face, dragging her claws across it near his blind eye. Wrecker's always nervous when someone's on his blind side, Crosshair can see the discomfort in his eyes as he tries to twist out of her grip.

“I did not know Humans could even breed with Lasat, but I can see why they don't do so often. The mix isn't very pretty, is it?” Asesh laughs as Wrecker mumbles something.

Pulling the cloth used to gag him out of his mouth, the fabric catching on Wrecker's sharp teeth, Asesh leans close.

“You can make this very easy for yourself, half-breed. Tell us who you work for and what you were doing sneaking around our property and it will all be over.” Asesh smiles, tipping Wrecker's head back far enough to make Wrecker squirm. She runs a hand over his short, purple hair, trailing her claws along his pointed ears, first the intact one, then the one torn by the blast that took Wrecker's eye.

“Kriff off,” Wrecker growls. “You don't scare me.”

Barking a laugh, Asesh looks back at Crosshair, gesturing to him with her free hand. “See him? He lacks experience, yes, but Cross will more than make up for that in the passion he shows for cruelty.” She leans in close enough for Crosshair to have to strain to hear what she hisses into Wrecker's ear next. “Once he's done with you, you won't even be able to crawl out of this room.”

Doing his best to remain neutral, Crosshair swallows. He's been laying it on thick the last few days, telling the Zygerrians all kinds of tall tales about how much he enjoys the suffering of others. He really wishes he'd just kept his mouth shut.

Not only will he have to torture his brother, he will have to pretend to enjoy it. Crosshair swallows thickly against the nausea building steadily.

After motioning for the guards to turn Wrecker so his back's towards them, Asesh splits Wrecker's plain shirt with her claws. Once torn enough, Asesh slips the ruined item of clothes of his chest. Lines of fresh blood run down Wrecker's skin where she's raked her claws over it.

Wrecker barely flinches. Crosshair knows things won't stay that way for long.

Turning to Crosshair, Asesh grins, flicking the blood off her claws. “Try it,” She says, indicating the whip.

Crosshair watches the weapon unfurl onto the floor, testing its feel. It's heavy. Aiming at an empty spot in the room, Crosshair swings it weakly. If he proves how bad he is at using it now, Asesh won't suspect anything when he goes easy on Wrecker.

Asesh hums as she watches Crosshair's pathetic display. Putting her hands on her hips, she narrows her eyes at Crosshair. For a moment, Crosshair thinks she's caught on to him. If so, he'll have to get out of here as fast as he can. With Wrecker of course. There's no way he's leaving him here alone.

“You really are bad with whips,” Asesh says, laughing to herself.

Crossahir fakes mild offense. “I said so, didn't I?”

“Let me show you.” Asesh moves to Crosshair's side, putting her hand over his on the hilt of the whip. She moves his arm for him, showing him the correct way to swing it.

When Crosshair swings it again, still holding back, it cracks loudly. Wrecker flinches at the noise, catching Asesh's attention. She leans close to Crosshair.

“See that? He may act tough, but he's terrified already. He'll be crying at your hands soon enough.” Her teeth glint as she smiles widely, making Crosshair want to shove her far away from himself. She turns back to Wrecker, speaking loudly again. “Now, anything you wish to share?”

Wrecker stays silent.

“Seems he wishes to do things the hard way. Cross, don't worry yourself too much about aiming. Just hit him as hard as you can.”

Crosshair hesitates. He can't miss Wrecker, it would be obvious he'd done so purposefully. He also can't let Asesh see he's not giving it his all. Holding his breath, Crosshair draws his arm back.

He tries to avoid the organs he knows are relatively exposed on Wrecker's lower back. The thick leather of the whip leaves an immediate welt of Wrecker's back, but Crosshair's aim really is bad, and the thin tip hits Wrecker's shoulder, splitting the skin there. The sharp tips even wrap around his shoulder, digging into the muscle at the front.

Wrecker cries out, making Crosshair's heart drop.

Asesh lets out a delighted shriek. “You are a natural! It's in you're blood, as I have been telling you.”

Wrecker's ears twitch nervously as awaits the next lash. Crosshair just holds the whip, unsure how to proceed. The Zygerrians will want him to continue, but he won't do so unless told so.

He glances at Asesh, hating himself for having to execute what ever order she'll give him. She gives Crosshair an encouraging nod and smile, leaving him both no option but to smile back and swing the weapon at his brother again.

Crosshair longs for his helmet as he brings the whip down on Wrecker's back again. It's bad enough having to hurt his brother, Crosshair could do without having to pretend to like it as well.

He avoided hitting Wrecker's shoulder with the tip again, but he's fairly certain it caught the muscle on Wrecker's upper arm.

Wrecker doesn't cry out this time, a bit back noise of pain being all that leaves him. Crosshair feels sick.

Asesh circles Wrecker as Crosshair is forced to continue. The lashes begin to layer across one another, clearly hurting a lot worse when the do judging by Wrecker's reaction. He's nervously retracting and extending the claws on his feet, even when Crosshair isn't actively hitting him.

Crosshair almost gasps as a particularity badly aimed swing leaves a deep cut diagonally across Wrecker's upper back, quickly having to cover the noise by faking a laugh. There's pride in Asesh's eyes as she watches Crosshair. It makes him want rip her throat out.

“It's good to laugh when you are having fun,” she says. “Don't let anyone here make you feel like you can't.”

Asesh stands directly in front of Wrecker as Crosshair strikes him the next three times, clearly enjoying herself as her eyes focus on Wrecker's face.

“Give me that,” Asesh says, pointing at the whip in Crosshair's hand. He thinks he's done something wrong until she continues. “His expression is amusing, you have got to see it.”

Willing his body not to hesitate, Crosshair walks around Wrecker, handing Asesh the whip as she passes.

Wrecker can barely look at Crosshair, only glancing up at him shortly. Kark, are those tear tracks? Crosshair's made his brother cry in the past, they've all done so at one point when they got into arguments. Never like this though.

When no one is looking, Crosshair one handedly uses their squads apology sign at Wrecker's eye level. He isn't sure Wrecker's seen it, and even if he has, Crosshair's not sure how Wrecker could ever forgive him.

Asesh cracks the whip without letting it hit Wrecker, delighting at the way Wrecker tenses. Wrecker looks up at Crosshair, expression almost neutral if it weren't for the pain he's covering up.

Then the whip lands on his back and Wrecker's face scrunches, teeth clicking at how fast he clenches his jaw. It takes every bit of willpower Crosshair has not to react to his brothers distress. He has to force his ears and tail from flicking as he watches Wrecker suffer, willing his expression and body language into one of enjoyment.

Asesh wastes no time before continuing, bringing the weapon down on Wrecker over and over in quick succession. Wrecker's hands shake where they're bound in front of him. He's barely able to keep upright, Asesh only giving him a break if the guards have to right the way Wrecker kneels.

When she stops, breathing heavily from exertion, Crosshair can see blood splattered on the floor either side of Wrecker.

Smiling at Crosshair, Asesh motions hims to move closer to Wrecker. “Go on, interrogate him. And get your claws involved. It's a beautiful experience, sinking your claws into a lowly creatures flesh.”

With a quiet, shaky breath, Crosshair grabs Wrecker's face like Asesh did, keeping his claws away from the skin. Instead, he sinks those on his other hand into Wrecker's shoulder where Asesh can see them.

Wrecker hisses in pain, making Crosshair want to let go. He doesn't.

“Tell us who you are and what you were doing here,” Crosshair hisses.

“You'll get nothing from me,” Wrecker barks, voice strained and breathy. Crosshair has to tighten his grip as Wrecker squirms, making him cry out again.

“Speak,” Crosshair yells. Wrecker just keeps fighting against his grip in response. He manages to shake Crosshair off, falling onto his side in the process. Asesh finds this extremely amusing.

“Take over for me Cross. You are young and have a lot of energy,” Asesh orders, Extending her hand holding the whip. Drops of Wrecker's blood fall from it and onto the floor in the time it takes Crosshair to walk to her.

Wrecker's back is in a sorry state, almost making Crosshair react to the sight. Deep, bleeding marks layer the skin, tearing it to shreds in places. Crosshair's hand trembles slightly as he allows the whip to unfurl again.

If Asesh lets this go on much longer, Wrecker will die.

She asks Wrecker questions as Crosshair continues as slowly as he dares. Wrecker screams every time he's hit now. Crosshair isn't sure he'll ever be able to forget the sound.

When Asesh finally calls an end to the torture, Crosshair feels like collapsing.

“A night on the floor will make him more agreeable,” Asesh smirks. She's about to walk off when Crosshair stops her.

“What about infection?” he asks. He's pushing his luck, but with how open Wrecker's back is, it's worth the risk.

“Why would we care about that?” one of the guards huffs, only to be shut up by a hand gesture from Asesh.

“No, he is right. Our prisoner will die on our terms, not from some infection.” She pats Crosshair's back affectionately, before gesturing at the guard she interrupted. “Find something to use as disinfectant, alcohol or salt, I don't care. And bring a large piece of cloth. We don't waste medical supplies on prisoners.”

It dawns on Crosshair that Asesh is going to use this to hurt Wrecker even further.

The guard leaves and Wrecker is forced onto his stomach on the floor, bound hands stretched out far in front of him. Asesh takes the whip from Crosshair's hands and his stomach drops.

“Watch this,” she says, nudging Crosshair's side playfully. Asesh brings the whip down on Wrecker's exposed lower legs. She catches him right near the ankle, making him kick his legs up.

Asesh naturally doesn't leave it at that, ordering Crosshair to straighten Wrecker's legs each time he squirms away from her. Thankfully, Crosshair isn't forced to use the whip on his brother this way as well as Asesh stops when the guard returns.

Wrecker's still left with bunch of new welts and cuts, a few ugly ones across the bottom of his feet, damaging the pads situated there. Crosshair cringes at the sight, playing the motion off as him shaking his arms out. He knows that Wrecker has a lot of feeling in his feet and a lot more range of motion than a human would. The damage will affect him badly.

“What did you find?” Asesh ask the guard.

“Salt,” he says. In addition to a package of salt, he's holding a blanket, made from rough material by the looks of it.

Upon Asesh's order, he hands both the items to Crosshair.

“Have fun,” she says genuinely, pointing at Wrecker.

Faking a laugh, Crosshair kneels down next to Wrecker. He's panting for air, cheek pressed to the floor. The skin on his back is in shreds, even peeling off in places.

Nausea threatens to overcome Crosshair as he watches his brother's chest rise and fall, shifting his back, glistening with blood.

Crosshair tips some salt into his hand. The situation would be bad enough, but the guard's managed to find particularly coarse salt. Its rough edges will only add to the way it will irritate Wrecker's wounds. He's not sure this is better than the risk of infection. Once again, Crosshair wishes he'd kept his mouth shut.

Just as he's about to pour the first of the salt onto Wrecker's back, Asesh interrupts him.

“Is he purring?” She exclaims, laughter bursting out of her.

Now Crosshair's been made aware of it, he hears it too. It makes his heart hurt. The urge to lay down beside his brother and purr as well, to maybe make him feel just a little better, is near overwhelming.

“Like a scared child! Pathetic,” Asesh continues. She kicks Wrecker in the ribs, making him gasp. Crosshair laughs automatically, not even fully realizing that he's doing so anymore.

When Asesh signals him to continue, Crosshair empties the content of his hand onto Wrecker's back. Wrecker writhes as the salt clings to his open wounds, whimpering and gasping as the sting sets in. Continuing, Crossahir pours salt directly from the container, moving as fast as he can.

“No need to rush,” Asesh intervenes. “Enjoy yourself! Really get the salt in there. We wouldn't want our prisoner to get an infection.” She smiles at Crosshair, encouragingly. Crosshair looks down at Wrecker's back before nodding. That way, he doesn't need to manage his expression too much.

Being mindful of his claws, Crosshair starts using his hands to rub the salt deeper into Wrecker's wounds. Wreckers howls in pain, struggling to get away from Crosshair. He pushes his torso off the ground, but Asesh is there to stop him, putting a boot on the back of Wrecker's neck.

She nods at Crosshair, looking pleased.

Crosshair does his best to block out both Wrecker's screams and anything coming from Asesh as he continues. His hands soak with blood as he works. Crosshair doesn't want to imagine what the rough crystals of salt must feel like rubbing against open injuries,

Once he's done, Asesh hands him the blanket. “Wrap it around his chest. It will stop the bleeding.”

The material of the blanket is awful to touch, the kind Hunter couldn't stand. Having it used as makeshift bandages should classify as a type of torture in and of itself.

As carefully as he dares, Crosshair wraps the fabric around Wrecker's torso, having to force him onto his back to tie it at the front. The wounds on Wrecker's arms and legs remain open, salt acting as the only barrier between open skin and the surrounding world.

Asesh, with Crosshair's help, maneuvers Wrecker to his knees. He sways slightly as he sits slumped.

“You will talk,” Asesh hisses, grabbing Wrecker's face again. “It is only a matter of time.”

Wrecker growls, lunging forwards to snap at her. Asesh laughs, avoiding his bite easily.

“You are amusing,” she says. “I like hurting creatures with a little fight in them. Makes breaking them all the more fun. Maybe I'll keep you.”

With a hand wave, Asesh gets the guards to pull Wrecker onto his feet, dragging him out of the room. He can barely keep his legs under himself, leaving bloody marks where ever his feet make contact with the floor.

Asesh follows the guards, so Crosshair won't stick out doing so. At least he'll know where Wrecker is being kept.

It's a small room, smaller than the one used for interrogation. Maybe it was once used for storage, but now, it's been fashioned into a bare cell. Asesh wasn't kidding about making Wrecker sleep on the floor.

Swiftly, Wrecker is shoved to the ground, hitting it hard. Crosshair just about catches how Wrecker curls up on his side and the sound of him purring quietly to himself before the door is slammed shut.

The only thing Crosshair wants to do now is be alone, somewhere dark where no one can see him.

But Asesh asks him to follow her, so he does.

She steps out of a door towards the back of the base the gangs set up. It leads into a narrow ally, barely illuminated by a humming neon tube just over the door. Asesh leans against the wall, lighting a cigarette. She offers one to Crosshair, like she does every time. He declines.

“Suit yourself,” Asesh shrugs. She smokes in silence for a while, at least having the decency not to exhale smoke in Crosshair's direction. There's small specks of blood on her hands, making Croshair want to look away from her.

Looking at his boots, he spots the state of his own hands. Dry and drying blood is caked on his skin, concentrated around his claws. The contrast to his pale skin is stark. Crosshair's skin itches. He wants to scratch at it until any trace of Wrecker's blood is gone.

“You've never been taught how to break a slave, have you?” Asesh asks, cigarette barely held between her fingers as she gestures.

Crosshair shakes his head.

Asesh clicks her tongue before taking another drag of her cigarette. “Never even owned one, have you?”

Crosshair shakes his head again, looking anywhere but where Asesh is standing.

“I guess it is not uncommon. Not everyone can afford them, especially with large portions of our trade being ruined by this Galactic Republic,” Asesh scoffs. “It is sad that you have been kept from your culture. It is hardly your fault you have inferior blood running through your veins. That is no excuse to keep you from who you really are.”

Crosshair nods, turning his grimace into a smile. “You've done a lot to make that right.”

He looks at Asesh, regretting the action when he spots the soft, fond smile on her face. Crosshair needs the gang to like him if he's going to get any information from them, but he doesn't like this one bit.

“We'll get information from the prisoner sooner or later, but I plan to keep him. I will use him to teach you the slave trade,” Asesh says, putting a hand on Crosshair's shoulder. “If your work today is any indication, you will make a fine slaver.”

Crosshair feels sick. He hasn't felt this unwell since he was a cadet. But all he does is continue smiling. “I'd like that a lot.”

Asesh laughs. “I knew you'd agree! After how much fun you had with the prisoner, there was no doubt in my mind!”

He'd fooled the Zygerrians, Crosshair just hopes he hasn't fooled Wrecker.

“Now, go, eat, get some rest. No need for you to keep an old woman like me company,” Asesh laughs. “Think of some other things you'd like to do to that prisoner as well,” she says with a dangerous glint in her eyes.

Crosshair's about to turn away from her when she grabs his arm. “And Cross, don't let anyone say your human blood defines you. You're a truer Zygerrian than many pure-blooded ones will ever be.”

“Thank you,” Crosshair says, playing off his disgust as modesty.

“I mean it. You're made for this.” With a smile, she lets go of Crosshair's arm and goes back to smoking.

Crosshair doesn't stop or let himself get distracted the entire way to the quarters he has set up in the gangs base. He barely breathes the whole duration of the way.

Once he's in the small room, he drops himself on his bed, going limp.

The day couldn't have gone worse. Not only did he fail to get the mission done in the time frame he should have, but his slow progress has landed Wrecker in a horrible situation.

He must hate Crosshair, there's no way he doesn't. Crosshair has to believe that Wrecker knows Crosshair would never enjoy hurting him like that, but even so, Wrecker must hate him for getting him stuck in this situation in the first place.

Shifting onto his side, Crosshair stares at his bloody hands. There's nothing he can do to fix the situation now. All he can do is continue the mission. If he doesn't, Crosshair's put his brothers lives in danger for nothing.

He can't risk bringing Wrecker any useful item or giving him medical help. If anyone notices, Crosshair could blow his cover. But Crosshair has to check on him, just to see what kind of state Wrecker's in.

When most of the gang is sleeping, then he'll go.

It's agony, doing nothing as he waits. He only leaves his room once to wash his hands. The blood doesn't seem to come off. It's like it's soaked under Crosshair's skin.

He doesn't eat. Crosshair feels like he should be hungry, but the thought of food just makes his nausea worse.

Crosshair hates being like this, useless. He's done nothing, achieved nothing this mission. Except for torturing his own brother of course.

The Zygerrians trust Crosshair, but not enough to share valuable information with him. And all Crosshair can do is keep playing this game, keep hurting Wrecker until he completes the objective.

What's worse is, Crosshair actually liked Asesh.

Crosshair's young, a new member of the gang and not even a full Zygerrian. Other members made sure to remind him of this. Not Asesh. She was nice from the start, looked out for him, was easily impressed by his skills and made sure to point out when he did something worthy of praise.

Asesh treated Crosshair like an actual living, breathing sentient being. Natborns don't do that often.

It didn't matter to Crosshair that she was a horrible person, none of that affected him. It's easy to play along with someone's bad behavior and values if none of them are directed at you.

But now Wrecker's their prisoner, now Crosshair's forced to act on those opinions he pretended to have.

Even after washing his hands, Crosshair can still smell the blood. It's like the scent clings to him, his clothes, his hair, his skin. He can't escape it.

Once the lights in the hall are turned off for the night, Crosshair wastes little time in retracing his steps to the cell Wrecker's been left in.

Only standing at the door does it dawn on Crosshair that he doesn't have a key or code to get in.

Staring at the panel next to the door, Crosshair thinks. The guard didn't use a code or key card, did he?

Hesitantly, Crosshair pushes a button on the panel, than another. He repeats the process until inexplicably, the light at the bottom of the panel flashes green and the door slides open.

That isn't very secure, Crosshair thinks to himself.

The inside of the room had it's door panel removed. Crosshair groans. That makes the chances of one of the Zygerrians seeing him much higher. He'd have preferred the privacy of a closed door.

The room is dark, but it's easy to make out Wrecker's curled up form on the floor near the wall. He's shaking, purring quietly.

Glancing into the corridor behind him, Crosshair waits. When he can't hear anyone approaching, he moves to Wrecker's side, moving slow as to not spook his brother. Once close enough, he crouches next to Wrecker, hovering his hand just above Wrecker's shoulder.

“Wrecker?” Crosshair asks, carefully letting his fingers brush across Wrecker's skin.

Wrecker flinches, gasping in pain as he crawls away from Crosshair's touch. Crosshair watches in horrified silence as Wrecker struggles to avoid being near him. It's entirely justified, still hurts to be exposed to that truth.

Stepping over Wrecker, Crosshair goes down to his level again, this time in his line of sight.

“Please, stay calm,” Crosshair pleads. “I'm not here to hurt you.” The last thing Crosshair needs is the Zygerrians being alerted of his presence in the cell.

Wrecker shifts, eyes widening as he looks up. He's not struggling anymore at least.

“Cross?” Wrecker's voice is hoarse. Crosshair mentally kicks himself for not bringing any water for his brother. Groaning weakly, Wrecker tries to sit up. Crosshair makes him stay down, hating the way Wrecker seems to shy away from his touch.

“I'll complete the mission soon, I promise,” Crosshair says. It would be easy to leave with Wrecker now, but there's no telling what will happen to their squad if they fail a mission this vital. The lives of important people are at stake. The Republic will value those over the life of clones, especially experimental ones. “Things will continue tomorrow, but I'll get you out of her. I just don't know when yet.”

Wrecker nods, laying his head on the ground. His eyes are barely open, half lidded as he goes back to purring. Quietly, Crosshair joins him as he looks him over. The blood on Wrecker's arms and legs is drying, wounds still looking wet. The blanket has red stains where it covers Wrecker's back.

“Does it hurt?” Crosshair asks, immediately regretting the stupid question. Crosshair can't get anything right today.

Humoring Crosshair for some reason, Wrecker nods. “S'okay if I don't move or breath too hard,” Wrecker mumbles, eyes falling closed.

Crosshair almost puts a hand on Wrecker again, but stops himself. Wrecker clearly doesn't want Crosshair touching him. Crosshair has to respect that.

“For what it's worth, I'm sorry,” Crosshair says, knowing his apology is entirely worthless. Wrecker's silence seems to indicate that he agrees.

That's when footsteps echo down the corridor. Crosshair leaps to his feet, looking for a rout of escape. Maybe if he's fast he can slip out of the cell unnoticed.

No, the person approaching is too close already. There's only one way Crosshair's getting out of this without blowing his cover.

With a quiet apology to Wrecker, Crosshair kicks him in the ribs, just hard enough to make Wrecker cry out.

“Speak!” Crosshair yells, surprising himself with how loud he is.

A familiar laugh filters into the room.

Crosshair looks up to find Asesh leaning on the door frame.

“I thought I would find you here,” she smirks.

Crosshair freezes. Does she know? Has she known this whole time?

“You're so eager to cause suffering, aren't you, Cross?” she continues.

“He should have spoken by now,” Crosshair says, hoping Asesh isn't just toying with him.

“These things take time, don't worry.” Asesh walks closer, threateningly. “But you are right. It does help to keep prisoners from getting any rest.”

She laughs. Swiftly, she hooks the heel of her boot over Wrecker's chest, flipping him onto his back. Wrecker gasps for breath as he arches off the floor, short, pained noises leaving him.

Asesh puts her weight on Wrecker's ribs, leaning forward towards Crosshair. Wrecker whimpers.

“You however need your rest. I admire your passion, but sleep is important. We will continue tomorrow,” Asesh says, leaning far enough to pat Crosshair's arm.

Soon as she takes her weight off of Wrecker, he turns onto his side. Asesh begins to escort Crosshair out of the cell, not before kicking Wrecker in the back for good measure.

Standing outside the cell, Crosshair feels worse than he did before. He'd managed to make life more miserable for Wrecker, just because he wanted to make himself feel less guilty by fishing for forgiveness.

“Sleep. I need you in top form tomorrow,” Asesh speaks as she closes the door to the cell. Crosshair catches one last glance of Wrecker's form against the far wall.

Crosshair nods, making his way back to his sleeping quarters. There's no way he's getting any decent rest. Not when he knows Wrecker is suffering a few corridors over.

[wildmelon]

my wayhaven detectives 🔍🖤

🥺👉🏼👈🏼 i’ve been wanting to post them for a while, but i always put it off (mostly since i tweak them constantly, i’ve redone all of these portraits at least once since i first drafted this). but it’s a foggy november morning here and it put me in the mood. here are my actual children, i’m putting info about them under the cut for anyone like me who loves reading about other ppl’s mcs ���

Elliott Moran [Felix] 

Kind and thoughtful, Elliott has the disposition of an elementary school history teacher. Slightly spacey and dreamy, he’s better at connecting with people than he is holding information. On the bright side, his intuition tends to steer him right when it comes to technology, and he has a knack for fixing things. His perpetual cheerfulness quickly charmed Natalie and attracted Felix.

Elliott’s sensitivity can leave him easily hurt and drained. His care for the people around him supercedes hurt feelings, though, and he’s incapable of holding a grudge. He’s happier than he ever thought he’d be since he started dating Felix.

Waverly Green [Adam] 

Waverly spent much of her youth rebelling in bids for attention from her absentee mother. Whatever her initial motivations, she maintains an innate propensity for chaos as an adult. Impulsive, sarcastic, and stubborn, Waverly isn’t always the easiest teammate, though she can turn on the charm when she wants to. (Nine times out of ten. Adam seems immune so far.) She’s always been drawn towards the catharsis of combat. Exercising is one of the only times her mind goes truly blank. She’s also fairly well versed in technology and naturally handy. Her open pessimism and incisive quips sparked a somewhat unlikely friendship with Mason.

Past her bravado lies a deeply insecure and wounded girl who feels like a chronic failure, never good enough for the people around her. (This whole situation with Adam may be touching a nerve.)

Araminta (Minty) Udo [Nat]

Naturally charming and charismatic, Araminta’s easygoing nature and popularity made her a good choice to be detective. The people of Wayhaven trust her wholeheartedly-- or at least they did before all these supernatural occurrences began cropping up. Still, her optimism and quiet self-assuredness puts the people around her at ease. She maintains a (seemingly) great relationship with her mother, has fallen head-over-heels for Natalie, and gets along particularly well with Farah.

Minty seems so well-adjusted it can be hard for people to remember she needs to be taken care of as well. Her forgiveness and patience seem inexhaustible but take a toll that sometimes makes her want to scream. Luckily, she now has Nat to worry about her feelings. 

Alice Atwell [Mason] 

Incredibly intelligent and deeply logical, Alice is often the voice of reason. She prides herself on her ability to keep calm in a crisis, and her levelheadedness serves her well. Being a detective seemed like the best way to put her sharp mind to good use in Wayhaven, and her sincerity has made her a trusted figure in the community. Her knowledgeability, easygoing nature, and interest in history contributed to a fast friendship with Nat. Mason, meanwhile, is attracted to her goodheartedness against his will (and knowledge).

Underneath Alice’s patient exterior lies a deep need to prove herself and receive love. She seems to have a good relationship with her mother, but Rebecca’s long absences have left her with deep-rooted fear that she’s unlovable that she tries hard to keep buried. (Good thing she’s falling for Mason, he’ll provide her with plenty of reassurance. /s. At least she’s an optimist.)

[oshiawaseni]

How I got the ChatGPT A.I. to admit Katsuki is in love with Izuku

Uhh... My friend has got me onto AI chat recently, and yesterday I was messing around with it, because I wanted to see if I can get A.I chat to come to the conclusion of bkdk canon, if I tell it additional context it doesn't know because it's cut off point is September 2021 and things between bkdk hadn't progressed too far at that point.

One thing to note: it constantly reminds me that it doesn't "have an opinion" it just forms objective analysis on the characters and the events. So I try to evolve this objective analysis as I went along the list of events that lead to Katsuki's death to see if a single detail of it might change it's 'objective analysis' on whether they will become canon.

The AI has a limited ability to use new information you tell it to string together an updated verdict. So that's what I did. And I used more and more details of Katsuki's death to Shigaraki as the context for the question. Because that's what convinced ME BkDk would become canon. As I was telling it details, I felt like I was pretty much only getting knockbacks. Until I finally had a single success. I also asked it the "kiss" question for those invested in a bkdk kiss. :)

However, at the end I did manage to find out why I got that one success, and the response it gave me is CHEFS KISS. So I will try to explain our conversation as best I can with some screenshots. This is long but, hopefully it's an interesting tale to read! This experiment also made me realise A.I. chat is crazy intelligent at communication.

So I got a negatory right off the bat and think: Since it only knows events up until a certain date, maybe I can tell it about some events that happen and see how it views Katsuki's and Izuku's behaviour?

I asked it what chapter it has access to and it said chapter 326. So it at least knows about the bkdk apology. (But it never factors this moment into it's analysis)

It also repeats this line a lot "It's ultimately up to Kohei Horikoshi." Which is true, I should probably try to re-do our conversation at some point and tell it it doesn't need to repeat this point, because it does become repetitive. Depending on your question it'll end it's answer with a "it's up to the reader interpretation." or "it's up to the creator."

I corrected it that it was chapter 322, but it only remembers details you tell it in your current chat. It, as an AI , can't learn from you for it's interactions with others. Oh well. Probably for the best...

"Midoriya forgives him and the two share a hug." This take is interesting. I never really thought about that. For Izuku they very much have a "there's nothing to forgive" dynamic, but in Katsuki exposing himself and letting down his walls, Izuku definitely felt safe enough to let his own walls down too and responded to Katsuki by apologising for his own behaviour, wanting to be close to Kacchan - stumbling towards him as he was passing out.

The anime clearly shows Izuku wanting, or needing a moment of intimacy with Kacchan that he's never had before, and Katsuki feeling the same way, catches him. So maybe there's forgiveness in that, in Izuku realising Katsuki was finally telling him it was okay for Izuku to be by his side, and that he wants him there.

Another way you can make sense of the AI's answer is that Kacchan needed to have Izuku's forgiveness, despite there being nothing to forgive for Izuku. And Izuku senses this, so he steps towards him to hug him or be closer to him and tell him it's all okay, but his fatigue cuts his desires short and Kacchan, noticing those desires, as he notices everything about Izuku *swoon*, holds him up. Yeah. I like that one too! Talking to AI about bkdk is a fun brain exercise, I'm not gonna lie.

I ask the AI if I can tell it more details of bkdk relevant to "will it become canon" and it replies that it will do it's best to provide it's objective analysis as it learns these new details.

It misunderstands some things such as when events happen but I find that kinda irrelevant to what I was doing, so don't mind these mistakes.

Btw, if I cut off the ss early, it's only because it's saying bkdk being canon is still vague/unknown, and the decision is for Horikoshi Kohei. This can be repetitive to read, so I cut it out. Like I said I'll probably re-do this conversation where I fix some of it's errors/clarify my context better.

It's not biting yet, so I tell it to give me an objective analysis considering the new things I say, and it understood this.

Then I test it:

Good, it can recall previous things I've said in the chat.

remain platonic." (Then it goes into another spiel about Hori being the decision maker.)

At least it said it was possible their relationship "could develop into a romantic one." So I gave it a little positive feedback :P

It's answer remains unaffected... so I go further into what happens.

It doesn't bite again. But I like how it says that he feels a sense of responsibility towards Izuku. That pulled on my heart a little bit...

But with my next context everything changes.

Turns out Katsuki getting up to "impress" Izuku was this AI's tipping point. It's got the wrong idea about "protecting Izuku" but it's also not wrong (which I clarify now and again later) Anyway, Katsuki wanting to be strong to impress the Izuku who loves him for never giving up, tipped this AI's scales towards romance, it would seem lol.

I dramatically clarify that Izuku is not at the battlefield, and ask if this changes it's mind about it's previous analysis. Spoiler alert. It doesn't.

I tell it more context about how Izuku isn't in time to save Katsuki and what happens to Katsuki: How his quirk evolution scares AFO inside Shigaraki, and ultimately is the cause of his heart exploding when he takes a blow to his chest. The vision in the white realm. His regret of not getting All Might to sign the card, and his memories of Izuku when he first got it. And the way he died, but I also told the AI that it is assumed he will be brought back to life.

I also mentioned (image count maxed out sorry, so I gotta type this):

"Meanwhile, we have some panels of Katsuki thinking about how much his body hurts, and reminiscing about that being the path Izuku walked down. He reaches out to the reader on the page, thinking the words. "Hey... Izuku... Can I still catch up to you?"

It ignores most of the details I told it here, but just adds in that Katsuki's strong emotional connection gave him determination to keep fighting and his quirk awakening. I really liked that. Because that's how I see it too.

Like when I got to the end of chapter 360, I was reminded of this scene in Sailor Moon S where Usagi is completely beaten but doesn't stop trying to transform into Super Sailor Moon, even though she doesn't have the chalice anymore. That was the first time I realised, this fight between sAFO and Katsuki had a vibe of Sailor Moon. And then that feeling hit me again when Izuku arrived and I made my 367 comparison to Sailor Moon Stars. Since then other bkdks have posted/talked about their own comparisons between BkDk and Sailor Moon/shoujo tropes. It felt very vindicating that others could see this about them too. ^_^

So it doesn't know what direction the series will head in, but it at least acknowledges that these events can be viewed as romantic. That's far better than your average mha fan, if you ask me... LOL

I wonder if I had worded this better and said "exploded heart" It would have gave me a different answer.

Bonus: So for fun just now, after rewording my question (a few times) for clarity, I finally got a pretty relevant response.

Anyway, going back to where we left off, I had just told it about the volume cover... and then I went into the topic of Gentle and La Brava showing up in the manga not long after Katsuki died. I misquoted Gentle (oops!)

So Gentle and La Brava are basically what is known in Japan as a "baka couple" that dotes on each other and describes their love for each other in great amount of detail - what I like about this answer is it's saying that by juxtaposing the baka couple with BkDk, who stay vague and barely define their feelings for each other ever, it highlights the tension and ambiguity going on between bkdk even more. I can also get behind this reasoning for it and add it in my La/Gentle meta. Wow, bot you're helpful!

Bonus: Just now, I tried to fix my mistake and rewote the question again and had to generate it's answer twice for this one. Good Bot! This, I can accept.

This is the only time I've regenerated any answers! I only took it's first answer this whole convo. But out of interest I'll probably regenerate more answers in future to see what other opinions it can formulate about a subject. It probably can come up with a wide range of perspectives, but only focuses on a very limited one for it's answer ^^

I like that it can identify that BkDk are having these same romantic tropes that Gentle/La Brava are talking about. AI Chat is amazing. Moving along...

At this point I'm feeling pretty content with our conversation so far, and I decide to ask it one more controversial question bkdks are quite passionate about:

A decent answer. I interpret this as "It's possible for a kiss, if Hori knows how to pull it off right." So maybe this is good news for BkDk Kiss enthusiasts! I'll be happy with a loving hug or a kiss, I don't mind at all, as long as they're canon at the end! lol :)

And now we come to the very last thing I say to it. I was happy to engage with an AI about bkdk, but something was bothering me.

Over the course of our conversation, the AI has told me "It's up to author." multiple times about whether bkdk will become canon... However, there was one time it said something different, and that my context "further supports the idea that Katsuki has romantic feelings for Izuku."

So I ask it to clarify one more time what it meant by that, and it slowly writes out this response:

WOW. What an answer. It blew my mind. "wants to be the best version of himself for him." This is some impressive stuff! ALSO THE BOT WAS NOW CALLING KATSUKI'S BEHAVIOUR FLIRTATIOUS?

But now I wasn't sure, I've never seen the bot say stuff like this. I wanted to clarify what behaviour it meant. Like whether it had misunderstood something I said about the way Katsuki died. But I had a feeling it was talking about Katsuki's tsundere behaviour! And so I asked it what it meant, and the most amazing thing happened...

The answer was written very slowly compared to before, as if the bot had to scrape a lot of information to form a well written response, and this is what it said!:

WITHOUT MY PROMPTING IT HAD BASICALLY CALLED UPON KATSUKI'S TSUNDERE BEHAVIOUR FOR IZUKU THROUGHOUT THE SHOW

I COULDN'T BELIEVE MY EYES.

HIS COMPETETITIVE NATURE?

HIS PROTECTIVENESS TOWARDS HIM?

HIS ///JEALOUSY// OF OTHERS GETTING CLOSE TO IZUKU ??? ARE YOU KIDDING ME RIGHT NOW???

HOW DO YOU *KNOW* ABOUT ALL THIS, AI-SAMA?!!! I SCREAMED READING ALL THIS. Even most bkdks don't really talk about Katsuki being jealous of others getting close to Izuku??? Wow. I was VERY impressed.

This answer was so different to everything it's told me before. The AI actually understands Katsuki as a character, and combined this understanding with my new information about him getting up to win for Izuku.

On a very surface level, it understood that Katsuki wanting to impress him in this case, is a core feature that's apart of Katsuki's overall behaviour towards Izuku and associated them together. Which meant that for it's answer, it could draw on Katsuki's other behaviours in it's knowledge bank, viewing them in whole. And it recognised that despite everything having gone wrong for him and knowing it was futile, Katsuki still had the determination to stand up and win for Izuku and impress him anyway, which especially made this an action of Katsuki's love towards Izuku that the AI can acknowledge as being about more than just mere friendship.

(Wew, that was a mouthful! Hopefully it kinda makes sense? I hope?)

And that is how I got an AI Chat to agree with us. A.I Chat is a bkdk, confirmed. Neeee, AI-sama?

[sotwk]

I’m a bit late to the party, but thank you SO much for answering me super fast! I so appreciate your ultra-in-depth response about Mirion and Arvellas’s fates. Although I still weep on weekends, it’s helped me so much with my own story! And all the supplemental headcanon info on Mirkwood as a society has been invaluable to me as well! (Also thank you so much for your update on my Lindir fic! Please don’t worry about the length of time! When I submitted the request I shot for maybe having it as a Christmas present or New Year’s treat! But any time I receive it l’ll savor it all the same!)

I wanted to ask though, are there any writing exercises or prompts that you do to train your writing muscles? I find that I have a tougher time placing dialogue intentionally where it needs to be, and I struggle with showing, not telling. I plan my stories and chapters, which helps me a TON, but I still have issues. I’m coming back to writing after abandoning it in about 2018 because of uni and life. But now I wanna come back, which is why I’m writing my story, but I feel so rusty. Any tips/suggestions on how/what to write to improve on these skills?

Thank you so much for all your help. I really appreciate you. Your account’s richer than the mines of Moria for great writing content!

- Mithril

Hello Mirthril my friend!

Boy, am I glad I was able to answer your Ask quickly last time, because this one is laaaaate. I hope you'll forgive me that, but I have been pondering over your question since I received it.

My impostor syndrome tends to rear its ugly head whenever someone asks me for writing advice. I am against false modesty and all for giving oneself due credit, so I will say that I am a pretty damn good writer. (And I certainly hope so; I suck at math and most left-brain skills, so this is all I've got, haha!) However, I wouldn't call myself top-tier in the fanfic writer's world. Even though I have been doing this for many years, I still struggle with any aspects of my writing--in the same ways you described!

But you asked so kindly and I want to be able to offer you something, so here are the few tips I could think of that personally work for me, in addressing the challenges you described:

SotWK's Writing Strategies and Tips

Writing exercises or prompts

I actually suffer from having too many ideas, so I don't seek or invite new prompts often. I lean on the endless stream of wackadoo ideas in my brain, or the lovely suggestions and requests that come into my (always open) Ask Box.

I exercise things that I'm weakest at, and right now that's my speed and focus. I currently write at an abysmal 6-7 wpm (about 200 words every 30 minutes). Embarrassingly slow! I very recently discovered sprinting on Discord servers, and so far it's been effective in training me to focus on just getting words down as quickly as I can. I highly recommend it! I think with time it will gradually bump up my wpm.

If you really would like prompts to get you going, there are plenty of prompt games floating around the Tolkien fandom. You can also source them from writing groups, such as @fellowshipofthefics, the one I currently belong to. Their January Trope Roulette, for example, is so much fun! Amazing support group for Tolkien writers, and more importantly--very chill, no pressure.

Dialogue

This is tricky for everyone, and definitely exposes a writer's style and ability to speak in the voice of different characters (I think that's why writers stress about it). You gotta do it with accuracy and range, so it IS a challenge!

If you want to get as close to the characters' voices as Tolkien wrote them, then the obvious strategy seems to be to immerse yourself in the source material. Read the books. Watch the movies (which are pretty faithful, tone/dialogue wise).

When writing Tolkien fanfic, I am constantly browsing through my books (having ebook copies helps), playing the trilogies in the background, or listening to the audiobooks (I have the Andy Serkis versions). It's a little bit like method acting. If you drown yourself in the character's voices enough, you'll actually start talking like them in your head. You'll pick up on the language, the word choices, the pace of the dialogue within the story.

This is the reason I personally don't hop around fandoms (Tolkien only), and I stay away from modern AUs or crack fics. I prefer to preserve that Middle-earth tone and voice and keep it consistent in my writings.

You can also draw inspiration from other period/medieval/fantasy works! My frequent go-to's are ASOIAF/Game of Thrones/House of the Dragon, Pride and Prejudice, and even Downtown Abbey works!

This last one might be extra weird, but I am a writer who leans heavily on fancasts/actors for inspiration. I like seeing a clear face and hearing a distinct voice for the character I am writing. It truly helps me write dialogue. For this reason, I fancast every major character that appears in my fics, and I usually pick big-name actors. Why? Because they have more movies/tv shows I can watch and listen to!

Fun fact: While writing my Éomer fic (which was VERY dialogue heavy), I listened to the first 7 minutes of Dredd SO MANY TIMES over and over just to imbibe Karl Urban's voice--I'm surprised the Netflix app didn't crash.

Showing, not telling

Here's one thing to try: Use "said" or "said + adverb" more often than you think you should, instead of trying to force a substitute. Or don't use a speech verb at all. This will force you to get a bit more descriptive about the characters' specific condition or actions. (Example from my fic: “Anywhere. Far enough to take you away from all this--” Éomer swung out his free arm in a gesture as wild as the fervor in his eyes. “Away from everything that is confusing you.”)

Visualizing a clear picture in my head helps me with the showing, and writing descriptions. Besides daydreaming and staring off into space, watch cinematic masterpieces, and train yourself to use words to describe what you are seeing.

But personally, I think purple prose and lack of brevity is the bigger issue in many fanfics (including my own). We need to remember there's nothing wrong with being straightforward in our storytelling and descriptions, because it speeds up the story pace or at least gives it more variety.

Shaking off Rust

Nothing else to do but just do it, my friend! :)

Whenever I feel rusty or blah about my current projects, I just shuffle over to a different WIP, or if it's really bad--start a new one!

As long as you're getting words down and you're happy and satisfied, you're doing it right.

Lean on writing friends for help and inspiration. We are a community here, regardless of the whisperings that "fandom is dying". It will stay alive and thriving if we keep it so!

Anyway, that's my non-professional, semi-bogus advice regarding things that work for me! Hopefully you can find something in there that works for you too.

Thank you as always for your kind words, and I wish you the best of luck--and LOTS OF FUN--in your writing!

[fumblingmusings]

why do you say kiku is part of the problem in your end note of the chapter? is he knowingly or unknowingly being manipulated by alfred or something regarding putting evelyn in her "cage"? sorry i dont really understand why she's in a cage too post-war (at least not anymore than other nations also subject to the international order, alliances and power hierarchies).

These two asks are kind of related so forgive me pinning them together! This is long and rambling, so please forgive me if it's not particularly coherent and is obtuse. I wanted the ending to be a bit off. Like things are better, but there's still a lot of the same old problems that remain.

But yes, Evie has in many ways done a full circle. The people dictating what she can and cannot do have shifted from the Cromwells and Naval Officers and Prime Ministers to simply Alfred.

This is fine by her, as one is much more benevolent than the others. She had been wanting it for a long time anyway.

She is fine it because she is genuinely in a better place after the war, Alfred genuinely cares for her and wants to help her, but. You know. America's poodle and all that. Especially tossed England's way under that Blair Labour Gov and anytime she disagrees with Europe.

Regardless of the truth of such a label, I wanted to - in the fic - show just how there is no easy and correct path for these guys to walk, because despite all the love they have for each other, international relations is going to keep butting them in the head. Everyone in the story lacks autonomy one way or another, the trouble is trying to work out a system that they are either happy or functional within it.

Alfred began wanting to break out of that construct - he ends the story as perhaps its biggest enforcer.

History rarely repeats, but it sure does rhyme. Eva has a decent relationship with the kids and is entering a romantic relationship. There's also progression: she is going to confront and look at how she failed people, with the knowledge that maybe she can't fix it, but she still needs to try regardless.

However, for all that progress, her and Kiku know, if Alfred had said 'no' to them reuniting, their conversation wouldn’t have happened. England and Japan rarely do anything together on an international level without America giving its backing.

Yes Alfred loves her dearly, but she is very clearly the junior player in that relationship now. Her ability to intentionally or incidentally cause harm to others has been greatly reduced, and with that comes the need and chance for her to seriously look at what she did(n't) do. She feels more free because she is more free, but she is also very dependent on Alfred maintaining that.

Alfred's last line: 'we're all together, just like I promised.'

He never promised that. Evelyn did. Alfred internalised it and sort of went: 'only on my terms'. Evelyn accepted this before she got him to shoot her last chapter, saying essentially: 'fine, do whatever you want with me, but you need to protect me if so'. She had been trying to make that transfer for years. Wanting Alfred to be the world’s major player has always been her in some ways trying to exercise autonomy... by signing over autonomy. Maybe that's a really cynical way of looking at it though.

This makes Alfred sound incredibly cruel and Eva a poor victim, but that's really, really not my intention. She never held power in her own right, always propped up by sucking the life out of others. She had to have it ripped away for everyone's sake. Her status required exploitation. She trusts Alfred to do the right thing. Should she? How different is Alfred from her really? Has the dynamic just flipped? Ehhhhh... Open ended I think.

[lutawolf]

Hi Luta,

Re : personal matter

(This is not a usual ask. I am asking for advice.)

I currently live with my mom and 2 siblings. I am in university and I have a job. My mother has schizophrenia,but refuses to get medicine. She was very narcissistic from those days and believes that she doesn't need medicine. From those days, if we didn't listen to her, we were subjected to very harsh punishments. She doesn't listen to anyone including her own husband /parents/kids/siblings.

We [whole family]tried so many times to get her treated but to no avail.

I am from a third world country .Our country doesn't have a mental health act, so we can't force her to get medicine unless she commits a crime.

She is slowly losing her ability to function. Right now ,my father is away for work . She is constantly paranoid and has a lot of delusions. From recently her hallucinations have become severe.I am being blamed for everything that goes wrong. She thinks that I am her enemy and I'm out to harm her. She thinks that I am breaking things in the house and stealing her things. Those days she used to accuse my dad but now since he's away for work ,she is putting all her rage and anger on me.

One of my siblings are quite small. And I am scared to leave them alone with her and leave them. They are the only thing holding me back at this point.

My home life is also getting more and more difficult and I keep getting very angry at her even though I know that she's sick. At certain times ,she loses reason and starts behaving completely irrationally.

I actually don't know how to handle this whole situation. In our society mental illnesses are heavily stigmatized. So not many know about this issue except for my close family members. I don't have anyone to ask for guidance. I feel so angry and so sad that this is happening to me. My education is also getting affected because of this. I am under an insane amount of stress. It's very difficult to live with someone who is suffering from a severe mental disorder. I am overwhelmed with all this.

How can I navigate this situation? How can I concentrate on my studies? How can I make it better for my siblings? I feel so ashamed even to ask these things. It feels like I am incompetent. But I actually have no one to ask for help.

(Please forgive me if my English isn't that good and I haven't done these asks before. I usually only reblog and read posts.)

With regards,

Anon.

Hey Anon,

First off, I'm so sorry that you are going through such an incredibly tough experience. I'm also sorry that I can't answer this privately, and I was concerned that if I just answered separately, you'd miss it. I don't know how heavily you follow me.

I unfortunately can't give you advice as a medical health professional, but I can give you advice as someone who has been there. I know it's scary and there are times that you don't know if you can survive this, but you can.

Do not buy into the myth that someone with schizophrenia can't get better or live a full and meaningful life, or they aren't responsible for their actions. Medication is often necessary, but there are other things. Self-help strategies such as changing to a healthy diet, managing stress, exercising, and seeking social support can have a profound effect on their symptoms, feelings, and self-esteem. And the more someone does for themselves, the less hopeless and helpless they'll feel.

Schizophrenia is often episodic, so it sounds like your mother is in the middle of an acute psychotic episode. Some things to know when dealing with someone who is relapsing.

Remember that you cannot reason with acute psychosis.

The person may be terrified by their own feelings of loss of control.

Don't express irritation or anger. It's okay to take breaks and walk away as long as it's safe to do so. Do not stay when walking away is better.

Speak quietly and calmly, do not shout or threaten.

Don't use sarcasm.

Decrease irritants when possible, by turning off the TV, computer, any fluorescent lights that hum, etc.

Avoid continues eye contact.

Avoid touching them, keep good personal spaces.

Have you notified all the adults in your life, including your dad, of this? The fact that your mom is having a flair up? You need to talk to them about implementing an escape plan for you and your siblings should the need arise. I can not stress enough how important it is for you to keep your cool and speak calmly to both your parents and family members. You are far more likely to get the results you want. People tend to treat others as exaggerating in these situations, so that means we have to prove them wrong.

Document everything. Backup everything you document to the cloud, that way if your phone is confiscated, the information is safe. If you have a friend you can trust, have them keep a “jump out bag” with necessary things like money, etc.

So to repeat: - document everything. - have an escape strategy. - contact all adults, starting with father.

I know that it may seem like there isn't a way out, but I once thought that too. Now I've got a family and beautiful life. This too shall pass. You are strong and resilient, and I'm so proud of you for reaching out. I know how tough it is. Just keep it going, make sure your family and father hear you. And if it gets violent, call the cops. I know that's your mom, but she can survive the cops. It would hurt her more to know she hurt one of you.

💜💜💜

[inscrutable-shadow]

Whumptober 2023 Day 5 - What's the Worst That Could Happen?

@whumptober-archive

No. 5: “You better pray I don’t get up this time around.”

Debris | Pinned Down | “It’s broken.”

also available on ao3!

Jack yanked hard on the Doctor’s lab coat. “Get down, Doc, unless you want to catch one of those bullets in your teeth!”

The Doctor crashed to all fours, panting hard. “Apologies, I am not moving as quickly as in my younger days. I suppose there is no longer any chance of reaching our destination on time?”

“Sure as fuck not. Is the First Quarter always like this? Seems like every other week I’m getting myself caught in a shootout.” He pulled another magazine out of his belt and slid it into his pistol in a practiced motion. The suppressive fire didn’t seem to deter their pursuers any.

“I cannot say it is uncommon, at least in this area. I had hoped my return to the land of my birth would be less… hectic. If only the gangs here had a Queen of Diamonds to unify them.”

Jack scoffed. “Yeah, I think we’re good with just the one.” He poked his head around the concrete barrier and immediately pulled it back. “Mother’s veil, these guys don’t give up…”

“I don’t imagine so. Astra Group would likely send any number of men to ensure my premature demise,” the Doctor said mildly, adjusting their glasses. For someone who had a hit squad out for them, they sure seemed much more concerned with how much exercise they’d been getting than the actual bullets. Standard Doc.

Jack checked his surroundings. Narrow access tunnel, and the pod car was around a corner about thirty meters away. He’d give the Doc a moment to catch their breath and then they’d run for it. They were slower than he was and he’d have to take a few calculated risks if he wanted to keep them intact. Well, if there was one thing the procedure had done, it was make him better at math.

“Okay, Doc, we’re gonna make a break for the pod car. Don’t look back, just keep running.”

The Doctor, still sweating and panting, looked up at him in dismay. “That distance? I cannot keep up with you, Jack, I will be left behind—”

“No, you won’t. I’ll keep pace with you. Just trust me, okay? Keep moving and you won’t get hit.”

“I find that incredibly unlikely—”

“And go!” He hauled them up by the lab coat and pushed them out of the cover of the barrier, but not too far, giving them a chance to right themselves. The Doctor let loose with a colourful stream of curses, but started running anyway, which was the point.

Jack allowed himself a bit of a laugh. The “hitmen” couldn’t aim for shit compared to a Suit’s evasion ability, even protecting another person. He was, for the most part, able to keep his important parts out of the path of the bullets, and he only had to yank the Doctor to the side twice. He clicked the key fob to open the pod car’s hatch as soon as it came into view.

The Doctor was flagging by this point, their pace steadily decreasing despite their best efforts. Jack was going to have to do something about it. “Forgive me for this, Doc, yeah?”

“Eh? Ack!” They flew the last ten feet through the hatch opening, landing with their face on the far seat. Jack dived in after them and scrambled to pull the hatch closed. Glasses hanging askance from their face next to a slowly oozing bullet graze, they rounded on him, furious. “You could have killed me, Jack! I am not a sack of potatoes to be hauled around as—!” They stopped short. “I say, is that blood?”

“Well, yeah. Got hit a couple of times. ‘M fine, just give me a second and I can drive.” It really wasn’t that big of a deal. He needed to get the car in gear so they could get the hell out of here. The electric engine clicked worryingly the first couple of times he began the startup sequence, but eventually it began to hum.

“At least have a booster, Jack, no? You know where we are going, I do not.” Well. At least they had their priorities straight.

general taglist: @athenswrites

fcd taglist: @youareshauni, @arieadil

doc taglist: @i-eat-worlds

[vendettavalor]

Anonymous asked: “📂“ -> For Omega <3

⚔️ Random Headcanon // ACCEPTING ⚔️

// oh boy i have a couple bc i love her so much <3

OMEGA FETT

Like Boba, Omega's DNA was virtually unchanged. She wasn't engineered to be docile and obedient like the other clones. She's every bit as intelligent, adaptable, and headstrong as her father and her brother. Or at least, she's capable of being as much. With the right training anyway. And she has plenty of training to follow with so many brothers to guide her. Omega picks up a variety of traits from all of her brothers - not just the Bad Batch. In my personal canon, Omega has some degree of Force sensitivity. Without proper training from someone who does have actual experience wielding the Force, the closest she gets to honing and utilizing it is training with Hunter. She picks up on his ability to detect things with his hyper-developed senses and learns to be very keenly aware of surroundings and anything within them. This eventually culminates in her being a master tracker of all things interesting. From Echo and Tech, Omega gets a strong understanding of hardware and software technology respectively. She learns how to safely, quickly, and effectively analyze parts and information and utilize them in a way that suits her purpose. Whether that's reverse-tracking a signal, masking her own, quickly reprogramming a droid to benefit her purpose, or just make a weird trinket that she thinks will help make life easier, she can do it all. She can even handle weapons and ship repairs. With practice of course. From Wrecker, one might expect Omega to learn how to disarm or arm bombs, or build muscle via lifting exercises. And she does, to some extent. She masters the bomb part. The weight-lifting, not so much. But what she really gets from Wrecker is kindness and empathy, especially towards animals. Wrecker teaches her how to approach other creatures in a tactful, gentle way that builds bonds with them and creates connections to ensure that wherever she goes, wildlife will never be problem. He also teaches Omega the value of humility. He isn't always the best with his words, but he is honest. He teaches Omega that there's no shame in being wrong and that apologizing when you hurt someone is the right thing to do. From Crosshair, Omega eventually learns the blaster skills she needs to survive in the galaxy. She'll never be quite as fantastic as Crosshair when it comes to shooting - but she will be as good as Jango. And with a bow no less. She also learns from Crosshair the value of loyalty and what it means to do what's right. She learns from him that it's never too late to do the right thing, and it's never too late to forgive someone else's mistakes. Crosshair might be cold and more distant than the others, and he doesn't really talk much. But still, he has things that Omega can learn. And she's thankful to have him there with them. Of course, Omega also learns skills from the other remaining clones. From Rex, she learns the importance of resilience and anticipation of the enemy's moves, just like Ahsoka did. From Cody, she learns that being a good soldier is about more than just following orders. From Gregor, she learns that life can't always be serious. You have to live a little an have fun where you can find it. From Wolffe, she learns that you are stronger when you stand together with your allies. Suffice to say, Omega has a lot to learn being so young. But she has a very strong and close-knit family to help teach her and guide her through the danger and chaos of the galaxy. Most importantly, they give her something that they didn't always have being bred for war. They give her endless hope. They nuture her sense of wonder in the galaxy and the reality that she can have good, long, fulfilling life that is more than just the horrors of war. And I think that's beautiful.

[noonaishere]

Ateez - Newark, Nov 27

Part 2

[Part 1 here]

Guerrilla!

(Again, trying to crop someone’s arm out. He literally just had his arm up in the most awkward-looking position, I’m not sure how his shoulder didn’t give out halfway through. What exercises do you do sir? Stop it. Stop doing them.)

Everyone else: *looking up at the camera like normal* San: Normalcy? Aniyo.

Before they came back out - and probably because this costume change was a bit more complicated - we were all just hanging out waiting for them to come back, so whoever’s in charge of the board for the Lightinys was making the colors change as a wave across the stadium. First it was blue and then red and then green and then white, and every time the color came up everyone went “Woooo~” softly and raised their Lightiny, like a spoke in a turning wheel.

There was something really wholesome about a bunch of (mostly) adults just having fun playing as the lights changed; no one had to say “let’s do the wave as the lights change!” we all just started doing it because we all found it fun. Truly a pure experience to share with others.

Turbulence 😭😭😭 (Normally this song makes me cry, but I think I was just SO in awe of their collective singing ability that I couldn’t even process it)

Cake time!

The face you make when you’ve dug your own grave and you have to accept it (but don’t want to).

Mingi: “Do you want to do it or do you want us to do it?”

He tried and failed.

Brace thyself.

San: “HAPPY BIRTHDAY BRO!”

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zRTMb1Ofogc&t=1s Someone’s video of the whole thing.

And here, KQ staff, I’ll help you out for next time (not that any of you are going to see this). The problem with the cake was that it was fondant (though, they were also saying it was “bread” “a rock” so I wonder if the cake itself was either too dense or maybe old or something), you’re not going to get good icing face coverage with fondant, it’s basically sugar clay. What you NEED to order is a “smash cake.” A smash cake is a cake that people with 1- or 2-year olds buy for their birthday, so the baby can smash their hands into it to their heart’s delight (and get a good photo op). That’s the kind of cake you need. Then these babies can smash each other’s faces into the cakes all they like (and get a good photo op).

You’re welcome, KQ staff. (I take Paypal.)

(I don’t know why I didn’t get a pic of Yeosang for Celebrate, so have an extra Yunho instead.)

Woosan moment feat. Lightiny. (This was the guy whose arm it was! I still don’t forgive him for ruining 90% of my pictures through. Get bent like I wish your elbow would have bent, thus removing your be-lightstick-ed hand from all my pictures.)

Afterwards, Jongho said that on another day he went back to find a flag and there weren’t any, but this time when he went back they had one ready for him.

Ending ments. No one got weepy like I’ve normally seen them do, but Yunho said he was our “friendly neighborhood [Yunho]” so that was cute.

The Real! (Instead of any of the Satoori lines, they all yelled “Happy Birthday Wooyoung!”)

Silly microphone hold

Playing the flute suddenly

Hugs for BBT (🖤 you BBT)

Truly the end :’)

So yeah. Standing out in the rain sucked, but being there was incredible. I definitely want to go next time they come around (and maybe try to get closer seats, or maybe buy a better camera and bring that lol). My sister also enjoyed herself and said she’d start listening to them (New World was her favorite). I hope you liked this trip down Memory Lane (memories of five days ago, so, so long ago).

One more San for the road, since he (and all of them, really) was so talented and funny and charming and cute and handsome the whole night. I adore him.

What a man 🖤

Tagging some peeps: @sayaramarz, @hecalledhimhyung​, @moonbinnie0983​, @ositoblancito​, @goldenchunkycat​, @leagreenly​

[sakusakupanda9-blog]

Hi, this is Shasha (fake name) and I’m writing this because I want to die. It’s not my first time feeling like this but this one is pretty deep and bad. The purpose of this piece of writing is that I have written everything I want to say and tell people after I die so I can die anytime I want without needing to open up my laptop and type for hours.

For now two of the main reasons I wanna end all this are follows

I hate my mum

I am an ugly and awkward person

Let’s start with the first point. I hate my mum. This statement is pretty self explanatory but let’s elaborate on it. She is very selfish but she doesn’t realise it. She is super privileged but she does’t know that. And the biggest part is that she doesn’t know that she is a bad mother. She’s been hurting me mentally and physically since for ever. There was one time she threw shoes at me in the car after tennis lesson and threw fish eggs at me while I was practcing the piano. Anyways, that’s fine. I want to die because I just realised that I can never be happy. I’m a try-hard and trying to somehow somewhat succeed in my life but i realised that because of the scars and damage I got from my mum I can never be truly happy. I’ll probably still be traumatized from my childhood any days I spent with my mum no matter how old I become or how successful I become. While my mum who hasn’t done anything mothery in the past four years will be bragging about my success to grannies on golf courses. I don’t like that. I really don’t like that. My friend basically told me to suck it up and ignore it but I can’t. I’m not kind enough for that. 

So that was the background info and now I gotta star talking about why I want to kill myself today. It is because she is cudding and making weird noises and being like a 12 year-old slut who just got her first boyfriend in the livingroom next to my room. Plus I’m stressed about huge amount of school work that I need to complete and get well in. It might seem like not much but it is for me. I thought it will be over when she broke up with the last boyfriend that looked like a goblin but she got herself another one in a week. She also say bad thing about me to her bf  probably subconsciously just to agree with him and make herself look good and I can’t forgive that. Because that 12 year-old girl is supposed to be my mum. Thus, I wanna kill myself :)

Next point is that I am an ugly and awkward person. Honestly if I lose 7kg and exercise more, I think I’ll be decent but I can never do that. Some people have tiny face with pretty eyes and long straight legs and clear skin but I don’t have any of that. While I think that if I’m confident in myself in some aspects other than my looks I wouldn’t care about how I look but I don’t have anything I can be confident about so this is the easiest target. If I was prettier my would have been so much better. It’s not that I want attention from boys (well…sort of but no) but I just wanna be confident that’s it. I wanna be confident in myself. That leads me to the other point, I’m awkward. It’s all because I’m not confident in myself. It’s not because of my english skill, I can say or write anything I want in English and I’m also awkward in Japanese. I hate it. I feel like I’m being judged but I feel that way only because I’m hating and judging myself. People actually don’t give a crap about me. Fully knowing all this, I’m so awkward and that’s why I can make any friends. I have friends but they are so nice that they will be friends with any not-mean person. It doesn’t have to be me. But I can’t make friends with anyone else because again, I’m an awkward person. Everyone at school is nice. They are so nice. But because I’m awkward we just end up being friend-ly to eachother and never become an actual friend. I wish I had an ability to hop in to any friend group and make friends anywhere. All I need is the confidence. And for that, I need to look good which is impossible. Also not only looking good, you kinda have to act cooooool and chill if I wanna be popular but I don’t wish for everything. Being pretty and nerdy will be more than enough.

I think all of the people I’m close with (that being two or 3 people) thinks that I’m smart and strong enough to not kill myself. Well, they are wrong. wrong wrong wrong. The truth is that I’m weak and dumb more than enought to decide to kill meself. Being one of the oldes in my year, I’m good at pretending strong and independent i guess but now, I can’t pretend anymore. If people think I’m stupid so be it, I’m tired of pretending anyways. another thing is that I’m good at shuting down on people who are trying to help me. well, if I be completely honest and subjective, it’s all because people actually don’t give a shit about my feelings or my existance. They are just simply too busy.  Although I really really wanna blame it on them, I don’t. Because they have their life and their life continues even without me. They have their problems and craps to handle and it is not their job to handle mine. Valid, I wanna die because I can’t deal with my crap, same thing. It’s just that I’m over my capacity and can’t take it anymore. Exactly like people developing random allergies to things. You are fine first but as you continue to be exposed to it, you get the allergy! So now I’m allergic to living hahahahaha I’m so funny. Now that I’m thinking of posting this somewhere as I’m writing this, I can tell that I’m conscious of how people would think reading this and I don’t like that. I dont write or speak like this at all.

After all this, the truth is that I hope one day I can delete all this and live a life where I’m surrounded by loved ones and love myself but for now this is me. The only thing that is stopping me from unaliving myself is that I don’t know how to kill a human. Unfortunately (at least for me), human bodies are tougher than we think, in my opinion. So I can’t just die!! (crying emoji) 

This is my first time writing a long piece of writing without using any translator or even Grammarly. Who ever reading this, have a lovely life!

[sillylittlevulpine]

Something that annoys me is a lot of the food here is also bioengineered to be severely addictive- a lot of the food here is so out of balance and no one is taught proper nutrition-

and also- people are just allowed to be fat

However there are a lot of people that are unhealthy (fat or skinny)

Cause of the way the food is made- like- types of food here are made to shut off the ability to tell when you need to stop eating and it makes us sick- you get so used to eating severely bad food that you think you are just anxious or depressed but you start taking small bit of things out and you realize your food was just poison

I stopped eating fast food of any kind several months ago- cut out as much processed food as I could manage and eat a variety of things that are healthier that I can manage to get my hands on

I feel a whole lot healthier but my weight has gone up - It's on the higher side but I've never felt healthier

Everyone has different natural resting body weights, what is important is that you are eating in ways that make you feel good and ways you can manage

But also be forgiving of yourself cause food here is literally made to be hard to avoid and then society fatshames you for it

I was praised more when I had an eating disorder for my weight than now. I eat healthy and exercise daily- and I'm not even a size 11 in pants and people are already trying to call me fat

But I feel healthier at this weight- I can go through the day and not feel ridiculously tired- I have energy - I'm happy

It's almost like if you trick people into shaming themselves for something they have no control over - they are too busy feeling bad about themselves to be able to fight it at the source- the people in control of our food

The rules about what can go into it

The propaganda about what we should and shouldn't be like

seriously though its so often fatphobia. like

"americans eat so much!" so??

"americans are so overweight!" who cares.

"american food portions are huge how can anyone eat that in one sitting!" we dont we have a leftover culture that was born out of poor immigrants trying to help feed each other. and so what if someone does eat it all in one sitting who cares.

"american food is so full of fat"

so?

"full of corn" yeah we have a lot of it

"full of grease" it tastes good

like you guys arent slick

[cpblaylock-blog]

TAKING TIME TO REFLECT @ 50.

A half-century, 5 decades, 600 months or however you chose quantify my age. In reality, it’s just a number and I certainly don’t act my age nor do I plan on it anytime soon. I have never been one to go over the top with birthday celebrations (except for my kids) for as long as I can remember. As I mark the 2nd anniversary of my 25th birthday, I have had some time to reflect on a few things I’ve learned, value, and can appreciate at age 50.

To travel is to learn.

Traveling (for work or pleasure) has provided me with an amazing opportunity to learn about people, cultures, communities and traditions of places I have dreamt about visiting my whole life. It has blown open my appreciation for diversity and lit the wick of curiosity in me, which I hope continues to burn for a long time.

Being kind is infectious.

I’m often times told, “you are too nice” most times in reference to my tendency to give people the benefit of the doubt. Sure, I have been burned and made to look like a fool as some people have earned my mistrust. However, those instances are pretty rare and the result / outcome of my intentional kindness serves as fuel for my soul as people light up with love, appreciation and gratitude for even the simplest of acts of kindness. It’s selfish, I know but it has been one of my favorite lessons to teach and demonstrate for my boys throughout their adolescence and into adulthood.

Generosity is an extension of God’s blessing.

Being generous is not exclusive to donating money. Yes, it is nice to donate money and in some cases a huge blessing to those on the receiving end but generosity can also include time spent with someone who needs a friend, efforts to make connections or contacts to help someone on their path to success, offering wisdom and perspective to those who come behind you to help them avoid the pitfalls they may encounter along the way or just doing something nice for someone anonymously. As I get older, I find myself becoming more intentional when these opportunities arise. It’s almost like God whispers in my ear something as simple as “make a phone call, Caroline”, “send them a note” or “offer them some encouragement today”. It may seem weird but I try to listen to that voice in my head, to what it says and it usually results in something that fills my soul with joy and goodness.

Love will always win over hate.

I’ve experienced some pretty difficult things in 50 short years. The seed of bitterness and hate could have been sewn into the fabric of my being a long time ago but thankfully I made the conscious choice to love. It certainly was not easy at times and the devil is quite cunning in his ability to manipulate my mind and thought process to try and stoke the fire of resentment and hate. As I look back, I am grateful for obedience to forgiveness and the grace extended to me in the darkness of times which have led me to a place of peace and happiness.

Life is Good

Many people have asked me recently, “how are you doing?” (Mostly in reference to my divorce last year). Last month, I was again asked this very question by a friend I had not seen in a long time who was genuine in her query. As soon as the last syllable rolled off her tongue, I could feel myself smiling, my heart rate increasing, and a glow emanating from my soul. “I AM HAPPY.” I didn’t have to think about it, contemplate the positive vs the negative, or give thought to things that are usually the source of stress before I responded. My response that followed was unrehearsed and instinctive and it was only after I said it that I truly appreciated what came out of my mouth. “I will be 50 in March. I’m educated, have a great job, have raised two remarkable young men, have a supportive family and I have found the love of my life in a man I have known since I was 8 years old. I could not be happier. Life is good.”

At 50, I still mountain bike, play golf, hike, exercise 3-4 times per week, fly and travel when I can. As my good friend GKC says, “I’m 29 and holding” and there is so much left to do, see and explore. So if you see me in the coming days, weeks and months, know that I expect a hug and that I’m am happy.

[lubdubsworld]

⋆⋆✵ Perfect Imperfections ✵⋆⋆

Chapter 1

Genre : Arranged Marriage AU! Angst! Explicit Sexual Content.

Rating : 21+

Warnings : Ableism , Chronic disability. OC has limited use of her left leg, Emotional infidelity? Mild Cheating ( nothing very physical.. a kiss or so )

Summary : Marrying Jungkook is a mistake. Falling in love with him? Definitely the worst exercise in masochism .

~~~~~~~~~~

Chapter 2

No one tells you how easy it is to imagine yourself in love with a beautiful man. Especially when you don’t have a clear understanding of what love actually is. 

When I met Jungkook, even knowing he was in love with my sister hadn’t done much to douse the flames of hope and attraction. He was a lot of things that other men in my life weren’t. Kind without being pitying. Concerned without being overbearing. He took care of me without making me feel helpless. And there was always such a thin line between these things that I found myself impressed by his ability to toe the line so well.

Jungkook took care of me without making me feel like a burden and I suppose, some part of me had assumed that this could, in due time turn into love. But I was clearly wrong.

Jungkook and Liza had been kissing in the hallway of their hotel room and someone had taken pictures. My father and his had managed to get them taken down but the news was already out, spreading like wildfire . My phone began ringing sometime around eight in the morning and hadn’t stopped. It was now a little past one in the afternoon and I felt queasy, despite the assurances that it was all being taken care of.

It was the pity in everyone’s face that I couldn’t bear.

I wasn’t hurt. Angry, yes? Upset? Of course. But I wasn’t hurt because there really was nothing to be hurt about. Jungkook didn’t love me. He was in love with my sister . He had made it clear, through his words and his actions, over and over again. At this point, I could see this debacle as nothing more than a possible way to get out of the marriage. Perhaps, my father would approve of a divorce?

I glanced at the article again.

The photo is just so annoyingly clear, I thought with a grimace. If it was a little blurry, I could convince myself it wasn’t him and her. But it was clear. That was my husband with his lips locked with my sister’s. Against my better judgment, I read the article again. It was a gossip column, of course there would be nothing good in there. But sometimes curiosity can be a persistent thing.

I felt my skin crawling as I realized that the phrases were all pretty true. There was no gossip here. Just plain facts.

And then my eyes reached the end of the article.

Of note is the fact that Jeon Jungkook’s wife is disabled and perhaps the virile young man is merely looking for pleasure he can’t find in his own marital bed.

I swallowed, quickly exiting the page and tossing the phone on the bed, away from me. I stared out of the window of our bedroom, the large doors left open to let air and sunlight in. There was a tall sycamore tree right outside out bedroom and the branches almost reached in and I stared at the rustling leaves, trying to scrub my mind clean of the words I’d just read.

But it was impossible.

It wasn’t something I hadn’t thought of. The stark difference between me and Jungkook, physically. He spent five days a week in the gym and they were right. He was a young man with healthy sexual appetites.

I’d never cheat on you. Jungkook’s voice from a week ago still echoed somewhere inside my skull.

I sighed, playing with my wedding ring.

I wasn’t a virgin when I married Jungkook. Hadn’t been one , when I got into the accident either. My then boyfriend, a tall strapping lit major had been a very sexual guy as well and our libidos had matched pretty well. But I���d been an athletic nineteen year old, able to bend like a pretzel at his whim and there was just endless time and endless stamina and just a whole lot of attraction . We had spent hours, exploring each other the way college kids do. Weekends in bed spent trying every possible permutation of sex positions and kinks and I’d discovered all the things I liked. All the things I didn’t.

But then the accident had happened and well, when you’re in crippling agony, sometimes sex takes the backseat. I’d been focused on my recovery, on making sure that I came out of this at least with the ability to walk and I’d succeeded. Burying the part of me that craved a man’s touch, it wasn’t easy but it was necessary.

And then Jungkook had happened.

Sex with Jungkook hadn’t been difficult. Not really. I wasn’t completely crippled after all but it was also nowhere near as exciting as it could be with someone who had full use of her legs. I knew that. It was kind of obvious. But I hadn’t dwelt too much on it because to be honest, Jungkook hadn’t looked like he’d minded. He had seemed to enjoy himself .

But then reading about how he probably hadn’t enjoyed it definitely stung.

Worse yet, probably half the country was reading it with me. I felt nauseous. Did no one think that they should have left the last part out of that article? It was terrible enough without adding that bit about me.

A faint buzzing made me turn to the bed.

I glanced at my phone as it rang, my father in law’s name prominent on the screen.

Showtime, I thought with a grimace.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“I suppose it was too much to hope for , expecting that boy  to keep his dignity. This is outrageous.” Mr. Jeon’s loud voice rang through the foyer of the house and I flinched, gripping the edge of the futon as Sana jumped a bit . She sat next to me, holding my hand carefully. Moral support I supposed but I was feeling entirely too blasé about the whole thing. None of this was unexpected, I thought miserably and I wasn’t feeling up to pretending otherwise.

“I still wish they’d talked to me about this.”

My brother in law’s voice broke me out of my thoughts. The man looked like he’d been dragged through hell and back and I felt a pang of genuine sympathy. He looked wrecked and it was obvious she was in love with my sister. Resentment coiled thick and deep inside me. Resentment and envy.

With no effort at all she had charmed both the Jeon brothers, I thought bitterly.

Jeon Jihyun looked absolutely stricken at the thought of losing his wife.  

“I’ve asked Lisa to take the first flight out. She called me this morning, hysterical. It was something done in the heat of the moment. She .. She’s very apologetic. I believe her and I’m willing to forgive her. We’re…. We’re thinking of starting a family together. ” He said softly and my stomach turned.

I felt my skin go ice cold as I wrapped my arms around myself. Shivering just a bit, I lightly squeezed Sana’s hand. She looked at me in askance and I had to swallow to get my voice out, throat dry. The words made me want to retch. I could imagine how Jungkook would take this news.

“Can you get me my shawl? It’s in the green room.” I said hoarsely.  She bowed before moving away from me and when I looked back up, Jihyun’s gaze caught mine.

“This must be hard on you.” He said softly and I flushed, staring down at my knees.

“Not like I can run from it. Literally or figuratively.” I smiled without mirth.

“Jungkook is …he’s just confused. He needs some time to sort himself out. I’ve asked him to take a break and come back to Seoul after a couple of weeks. The separation would do him some good.” Jihyun said quietly and I sighed before nodding. What else was I supposed to say to that anyway? There wasn’t much I could do, my influence on things almost nonexistent at this point.

“Are you going to give the boy a break, Jeon?” My father demanded, staring at Jungkook’s father who sighed.

“Yes. I’ve been trying to get these damned reporters off our back. They’re all over the place. And yes, I think Jungkook should stay in Japan for a while.  We’re starting a new distribution branch there and I wanted him to scout places and possible vendors. I’ll tell him to hash out all the details before coming back.”

His phone rang again and he excused himself . I watched him leave the room, trying to make sense of his words.

How long would it take to build a whole branch in Japan? I had no clue. But it could hardly be done in a few weeks, could it?

“That’s.. That’s a long time.” I said hesitantly and my father frowned.

“is that a problem?” he asked.

I sighed. There was no point keeping this to myself. I was supposed to go to the doctor’s tomorrow. And well, it would be better if they heard it from me first.

“I.. I’m pregnant.” I said quietly.

The silence that followed was deafening. I stared at the carpet, not able to bring myself to look up at them. I could guess, what I’d find there. It was what I always found in people’s faces.

“Oh, sweet child.” My father’s sigh made me look up and there it was. The pity. I felt sick to my stomach. Sana returned, settling the hand knit shawl over my shoulders and I wrapped it tight, before glancing at her in some desperation. She smiled reassuringly, settling next to me and gently taking my fingers in hers. The warmth grounded me for a second and when Jihyun growled, I stared at him.

“I… I didn’t know. Fuck, I’m going to kill Jungkook. This fucker…” Jihyung swore and my father sighed, clearly thinking hard.

“you can’t be staying alone now.” He said softly, sitting up and cracking his knuckles, and I swallowed. I wouldn’t bear it if they tried to take me back home. I had hated it there.

“ You must come back home with me.” He said softly but I quickly shook my head.

“ No.. No I won’t. I … Please.” I begged, the mere idea of going back to my childhood home a nightmare. My mother would kill me with just her sharp and vindictive words. I was in no shape to put up with her verbal and emotional abuse. It was one of the things that had made me agree to marry Jungkook in the first place.

“Well, you can’t stay here by yourself.” My father protested. I’ve been by myself my whole damn life, I wanted to scream.

“I’ll be fine. I have Sana and the others to help me.” I said tiredly. My father shook his head before turning to Jihyun again.

“Is Namjoon still working on his book?” My father asked him and Jihyun frowned. The name elicited a tug in my memory and I turned to stare at my father, confused.

“You remember him? He used to tutor you when you were hi High School.”

I had a brief flashback to dimples and almond shaped eyes. I remembered him vaguely. Very vaguely. But nowhere well enough to want him to live with me, alone or not.  

“Dad…” I protested but he held a hand up to silence me, nodding at Jihyun .

“Namjoon? Kim Namjoon? ” He shook his head. “ I’m not sure. Why?”

“I think it would be good if he moves in here. His father was telling me that he was looking for a place to stay, now that he’s moved back to Korea. ” My father said softly, staring at me and I stiffened.

“Father…” I began desperately and my father shook his head.

“Don’t argue. He was a dear friend of yours. I don’t think you should be alone at a time like this. And I think Jungkook would approve. Like Jihyun said, the kid needs some space to sort himself out. Let him finish whatever business is going on in Japan.” My father glanced at Mr. Jeon who looked at me with guilt.

“I owe you an apology , on behalf of my idiot son.”

I looked away, not sure what to say to that. I hated the man quite passionately. Jungkook wasn’t perfect… far from it. But this man had taken a sledgehammer to my husband’s mind and heart at every turn. The disdain, the condescension, the sick way he favored his brother over him, the way nothing Jungkook did was ever good enough. It had all taken a toll on my husband. I had watched it chip away at Jungkook’s self confidence, at his mental health.

“I think more than anything, you owe an apology to your son. You knew he was in love with Lisa and yet…. You forced him to marry me.” I said quietly and the room went eerily quiet. My father rounded on me , eyes blazing.

“Leah!!! Apologize, now!” He roared and I looked away.

“You’re all the same. Ungrateful and entitled.” Mr. Jeon said sharply, before turning to his son. “ I’m leaving Jihyun-ah. Tell me when that wife of yours get home. I want to talk to her.”

He shared a half hug with my father before stalking off and my father grabbed his jacket as well.

“I’ll leave as well. Your mother is being quite hysterical. Apparently, all her friends are hounding her about the article.” He sighed and I nodded , watching him shrug on the jacket before nodding at Jihyun and then following his friend out to the front doors.

Jihyun stayed standing , watching my father’s form disappear through the door before turning to me.

“ Are you alright?” He said quietly, moving to kneel in front of me. Sana stood up, bowing before leaving and I watched her disappear into the hallway leading to the kitchens. Jihyun’s fingers wrapped around mine, brushing my knees and I stared down at him.

“The question is, are you alright?” I brushed the hair off his face. He sighed.

“No. No I’m not. I’m angry and jealous and very much filled with resentment towards my brother.” He said honestly and I laughed, tugging on his hand and patting the seat next to me. He straightened before moving to settle next to me and I leaned on his shoulders, sighing as he wrapped on around me, the warmth of his body comforting .

“Are you going to give your marriage a chance?” I asked carefully.

“She told me she was going to break things off for good. We.. We’ve been talking about it. Starting a family, making this work.” He said quietly. I nodded. It was understandable. Unlike Jungkook and I , Jihyun had a responsibility. He would need a son and even though people liked to act like they didn’t care much about gender, like they didn’t care much about having children , it was sort of an unspoken rule. First son of the house ? You had to have a male heir to carry the family name.

I wondered how that conversation had gone between Jungkook and Lisa. It didn’t really match the photo I’d seen.

“I suppose Jungkook probably put up a fight. He genuinely wants to end up with her. He… He tells me often that he loves her and can’t love anyone else. ” I wondered if I ought to feel embarrassed or insulted.

But the truth was, I was numb to a lot of things that had once hurt quite a lot..

The conversation with Jungkook about my pregnancy had definitely cleared things up for me. There was nothing there worth salvaging. Chasing something that wasn’t real , that was foolishness. Especially when I had a very real baby to think about. A child that counted on me to make the right choices.

“I don’t think he did. She spoke to me last night and said that he agreed. Of course that was before the article came out. I’d like to think she didn’t lie to me but I’m not sure.”

I sighed, settling in closer to his chest. He was warm and firm, solid and reliable. I wondered if it would have been easier, if my father had just married me off to Jihyun instead. Jihyun and I …we were alike. We had been friends , even from childhood. Had watched with fond adoration as our younger siblings had fallen madly, wildly in love. Jungkook and Liza had been drawn to each other from the first. Inevitable.

Jihyun and I were more carefree. We didn’t feel things that intensely and perhaps that was why we could sit here in the calm of the afternoon air, quiet and introspective when we ought to be furious and raging.

“ Should we run off together? You and i?” He said suddenly making me laugh.

“Very much incapable of running.” I reminded him with a grin and he squeezed my shoulder .

“I’d carry you.” He said simply.

“Where would we go?” I asked curiously, indulging the fantasy for just a few minutes.

“Somewhere far away. Maybe India? There’s so many people there and we could get lost in the crowds.”

“That does sound appealing.” I smiled and turned to look up at him. His face inches from mine, not as handsome as Jungkook but strong featured and kind. “ But I’m not alone anymore. I have a child.”

His gaze dipped to my lap.

“Yes. Jungkook’s child.” He said thoughtfully.

“No. Mine. Nobody else’s . Just mine.” I said quietly. Jihyun’s gaze softened. He pressed a quick kiss to the top of my head.

“I’m sorry.” He whispered, echoing his father’s words.” On behalf of my idiot brother, I’m sorry.”

And where Mr. Jeon’s words hadn’t made any sort of impact, Jihyun’s made my heart clench and ache in the worst way. Self pity was something I loathed but sometimes, being handed the short end of the stick at every turn in life makes it impossible to not feel sorry for yourself.

Tears stung, welling up in my eyes and spilling over my lashes like water bubbling out of an aquifer.

I blinked slowly, not bothering to wipe them as they traced a path down my face, dripping into the fabric of my shawl. In a moment of clarity I wondered what Jungkook must be going through now. Nothing good for sure.

It definitely said something, that I still worried for him. Sighing, I let Jihyun hug me closer. I would take advantage of his kindness for a few more minutes. It had been a while since someone had held me like I mattered.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I called Jungkook that evening.

It wasn’t an easy choice but my heart ached and my mind raced with unanswered questions. I didn’t want to get lost in my own thoughts so I didn’t overthink it. We were still married. I was allowed to call him.

He picked up on the third ring.

“Where are you?” I asked quietly and Jungkook’s groan made my face heat up a little.

“I… Leah?” He sounded groggy. I glanced at the time. It wasn’t late.

“Are you sleeping?”

He didn’t reply for a few minutes.

“I’m sorry about what happened. We.. We didn’t do anything else. It was just.. it was a kiss. Just that.”

“Are you still in the hotel?” I asked quietly ignoring his words.

“ For tonight, yes. Dad wants me to stay with a friend of his. I’ll be going over to their place tomorrow morning.” He replied .

Silence followed for a few seconds.

“Namjoon is moving in tomorrow.” I said stiffly.

Jungkook didn’t respond for a minute or so.

“Yes. Father said it’s a good idea. And I agree. You shouldn’t be alone while I’m here. He’s right. Hyung’s a nice guy. He’ll help you out.” Jungkook said softly.

“Liza came home. She wanted to talk to me.” I said quietly.

Jungkook didn’t reply and I sighed.

“I told her I wasn’t going to talk to her before I talked to you. I don’t… I don’t want to say anything to her that I haven’t already said before. But I still want to know your thoughts on all this. Your plans, that is. I take it you weren’t happy with her ending things.” I said stiltedly.

Jungkook didn’t reply for a few seconds.

“Things between us ended a long time ago, Leah. It was over when we both agreed to marry other people. Maybe even before that, I don’t know… I … I guess I just didn’t want to acknowledge them.” He said quietly. “ She’s different, now. Even that kiss felt so wrong.  She’s moving on. I’m glad in a way. She deserves better than me. She deserves someone like hyung. He’s better than me in everyway and-”

God I wanted to strangle him.

“So why did you kiss her?” I snapped. “ If you’re so generously letting her go why would you…” I stopped.

“I didn’t kiss her. She kissed me. It was barely for a second.” He muttered. “ whoever it was must’ve been videoing us for a while.”

I had to remind myself that in the grand scheme of things, this little detail made no difference.

“Right.” I sighed. “ So, you won’t be home for a while?”

“Six weeks at least.” He said quietly.

I tried to keep the disappointment down. I still wanted to see him, just to make sure he was okay. But I knew that was just the pregnancy hormones talking.

“Okay.” I said simply.

“How are you? Did you go see the doctor?” He asked softly and the question surprised me. I was half sure he had forgotten.

“No, not yet. Maybe in a couple of days.” I scratched at a small stain on my skirt. Lime juice and baking soda, I thought absently. That should get the stain out.  

“Its pretty late. You should go see the doctor, Leah. I.. I looked stuff up. They say you have to be on pre natal vitamins, folic acid and iron supplements  and you have to have  a balanced diet. I called Sana earlier and told her to speak to our doctor and get a diet chart for you. She said she’ll do it soon. So , please take care of yourself.”

Jungkook sounded entirely serious and as always my brain felt muddled, unable to process why he did the things he did. He had looked things up about the pregnancy and that implied some sort of interest, didn’t it? But ….. he had also kissed my sister so what was I supposed to do with this?

“I’ll call you.” I said shakily, drained. I was done for the day.

“Right.” He said softly. “ Namjoon hyung will be there tomorrow right? Should I talk to him? He could take you to the doctor.”

“No.. That’s fine. I’ll manage.” I said quickly.

“You’re sure?” There was genuine worry there.

“Yes.” I sighed.

“Alright.”

Silence again. I exhaled shakily.

“Should I hang up?” I asked quietly.

“Yeah. Good night. ” He breathed.

“Good night, Jungkook.”

Click.

I stared at the wall, gently lowering the phone and placing it on the bed next to me.

She deserves better than me, his voice echoed in my head.

Well, so did I.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Namjoon looked nothing like the twenty one year old college student I’d seen a decade ago. I knew he was a successful novelist and I’d read all his books. They were mostly philosophical or commentaries on life and emotions. I enjoyed the way he wrote : melancholic and deep but also clear and easy to understand. It was like staring at a particularly deep pool, being able to see all the way down to the bottom because of how clean the waters were. But once you put your feet in, the depth  always surprised you.

“That’s a lot of books.” I laughed, gripping the edge of the door frame as I watched him stumble under the weight of a crate full of bound books. Namjoon’s messy brown hair peeked over the top, and when he adjusted the huge load to stare at me, I caught sight of his handsome face stretched in a dimpled grin, eyes glinting.

“Research.” He grunted, straightening himself up and I watched the flex of his muscles as he carefully moved to place the crate down in one corner of the large bedroom that I’d had cleaned for him. It was on the west wing of the house, parallel to my own bedroom that I shared with Jungkook . Namjoon had spent three years working as a professor somewhere in Indonesia. And I knew that he’d spent a year backpacking all over Scandinavia. I stared at his tall strapping figure, watching him set up his writing space carefully, sorting out boxes and electronics.

He had driven here in his Range Rover and I knew all his clothes were still there in the back of the car.

“Should I ask the footmen to get your clothes?” I asked and he glanced up at me, frowning.

“Footmen?” He looked confused and I rolled my eyes.

“Namjoon…” I said chidingly and he grinned again.

“I keep forgetting you’re filthy rich. Makes me wish I should have beaten Jungkook to the game and bagged myself a rich wife.” He winked. It was a joke but there was no mistaking the hint of interest in his eye. Or maybe it was just wishful thinking on my part. Being married to Jungkook had definitely made me question the attraction I held for men so it felt good, having someone as handsome and whole and successful as Namjoon look at me like that.

“I’ll ask them to get your clothes. You should shower and settle in. We’ll meet for dinner tonight.” I said quickly and he nodded.

“You’re going to be okay heading back to your room? Let me know if you need help.” He pointed at my feet and I nodded. It was sweet of him to offer.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Dinner was surprisingly not awkward at all. Namjoon had a lot of interesting stories to share and I found myself clinging to ever word in rapt attention. He spoke about all the folklore he’d run into in different places, how he thought that no matter the culture, there were always some common things you could find in every one of them. He also talked a little about his next book, which he hadn’t named yet.

“It’s about second chances. Forgiving and moving on.” He said, taking another bite of his braised pork and moving to make another lettuce wrap.

“ Heavy stuff.” I said thoughtfully. “ Most of my writing is commercial. I just try to sell stuff to reluctant people. It’s not much but it keeps me occupied and it’s always nice to make money that you can call your own.”

“It’s because you don’t write for yourself. When you start writing for yourself, you can truly be who you are.” He said firmly and I nodded in agreement.

My writing in college had been vivid and bright and filled with life. But after the accident, it had turned grey and gloomy. The words seemed to drip with loss and longing and  I didn’t enjoy it, because it was a reminder that I was no longer the vibrant, attractive fulsome girl I once was.

“Maybe that’s what I’m afraid of.” I smiled. “ Being who I am. I would rather pretend I’m at least a little alright.”

Namjoon stared at me, thoughtful.

“You used to run track.” He said softly and I grinned.

“You remember.” I said, pleased.

“Of course I do and you were captain of the volleyball team as well. You used to organize all those hikes and treks and stuff.”

“Yes I did. I loved the outdoors.” I stared out of the window.

“Loved? Past tense?” He tilted his head. I stared at him, shaking my head.

“What kind of question is that.” I shook my head. “ Look at me. I’m not trekking anytime soon, considering how the last time ended.”

“You can still go out.” He frowned. “ When was the last time you went somewhere?”

I shook my head.

“Oppa…”

“Listen. You know me. You’ve known me for more than a decade. Do you honestly think I’m going to let you rattle around this old house like a ghost when you should be out there taking in all the sunshine you can get?” Namjoon placed his chopsticks down and linked his fingers together, staring at me.

I stared at him, and it was definitely there. The concern, the affection. Not that different from when I was sixteen and struggling to understand what pathos meant.

But now there was a definite undercurrent of attraction. Back then it had been childish, the wild crush of a teenager on her hot tutor but now, now I knew that he was so much more than just a hot guy.

“I’m pregnant.” I said softly, more a reminder to myself than anything else.

Namjoon grinned.

“We’ll steer clear of horse riding and alcohol. Anything else you can just let me know.”

“Are you serious?”

“As a heart attack.”

“I think I’m getting one now.” I deadpanned.

“Because you’re nervous.” He grinned.

“Because your dimples look too adorable.” I retorted.

He laughed.

“I’ll talk to Jihyun and we’ll go see your doctor first. Then we’ll go out and have  a nice picnic.”

“Namjoon, I can’t…”

“You don’t know that.” He said firmly.” You don’t know if you can or can’t because you’ve never tried. Listen I love picnics and I love going out and I want company. I’m agreeing to be stuck with you for a while and the least you can do is  give me company at a picnic. You know how big a loser I’d seem like if I went by myself?”

It was like I was sixteen again getting brow beaten into things by a tutor who just hated the idea of not getting his way. I shook my head fondly.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Fourteen weeks. Three and a half months.

I stared at the ultrasound, feeling a multitude of things, not all of them good. The baby was growing well and I had all my prescriptions filled. Namjoon had offered to come with me but I had refused. It was too intimate and he was still a stranger. I did take a photo of the ultrasound and sent it to Jungkook.

/Jungkook called me back almost at once.

“You went to the doctor?” He asked, sounding a little breathless.

“Were you running?” I asked, surprised.

“Not really. I’m supposed to be meeting one of the vendors for lunch and I thought I could walk to the restaurant but its farther than I thought.” He huffed.

“Everything’s fine. Baby’s due in July.” I said quietly.

“Summer. That’s good.” He replied. “Right?”

I hesitated. What did that mean? What did it matter when the baby would be born?

“Because winter would mean it being too cold . Summer we can take the baby out and stuff without worrying too much.” Jungkook said softly.

Oh.

“How’s work?” I asked awkwardly. The non conversation was getting tedious. There was just so much to talk about and it was obvious that both of us weren’t in the mood to actually ask or answer anything worthwhile.

“Did dad say something?” Jungkook asked quickly and I frowned.

“No. Why?”

“He wants me to join hyung in the corporate office. Leave the smelter units.” Jungkook sounded subdued and upset and I felt sympathy well inside me.

“Join him? As what?” I asked quietly.

“Head of the marketing department. I’ll be reporting to Seokjin hyung.” Jungkook had clearly started walking again, breath coming in little exhales.

“You don’t want it?” I asked confused, not sure if this was a good or bad thing.

“I mean… I have a degree in Business and Finance. Hyung’s the CEO , I was hoping I’d be the CFO.” Jungkook sighed, “ But I suppose I should be grateful he didn’t disown me altogether after what happened earlier.”

I stayed quiet and so did he.

“We need to talk . When you get back. You … I know you don’t like sharing about what you feel but you owe me an explanation.” I said firmly.

“I know. But I meant what I said when I left. I’m going to be there for you and the baby. You’re still my wife. That’s not going to change.”

I ran my fingers over the ultrasound.

“Did you also mean the part where you said you can’t stand me.” I said bitterly .

Jungkook didn’t reply.

“I… You know I didn’t. That was just something I said on impulse. I’m sorry. You’re… You’ve been nothing but good to me. And honestly, just the fact that you’re carrying my child is proof that I can definitely stand you.” He sounded just a little hoarse.

I bit my lips, staring up at the door when I heard a knock.

“Leah? I’m going to have some tea in the garden … You wanna come with?” Namjoon’s voice rang through the room and I froze.

“Oh.. Oh.. yes. I’ll be down.” I said quickly, nodding . Namjoon pointed at the phone and gave to thumbs up before moving back out.

“Was that Namjoon hyung?” Jungkook’s voice came over the line.

“Oh… yeah. Yeah, he’s… he wants me to have tea with him in the gardens.” I said awkwardly.

“That’s nice.  You should go. Get out of the house once in a while.” I didn’t know what to say to that so I stayed quiet.

After another minute or so of silence, Jungkook cleared his throat.

“ I got that form you sent in for me to fill, about my medical history. I’ll fill it up and mail it to the doctor’s office. Is that alright?” He asked hesitantly. “ If not I can fly back home. If they need me in person or something.”

I frowned a bit.

“They don’t need you in person, Jungkook of course not. Mail it, that’s fine.”

Another pause.

“This is really happening huh? A baby. We’re having a baby.” The exhaustion in his voice was palpable and I wondered.

“Yes. We are.” I said simply, not having anything else to elaborate on. It was happening. I was torn between pleasure at having something to look forward to and guilt at forcing Jungkook into a role he wasn’t ready for. But , for better or for worse we were married. The child was his. It would be a Jeon.

“ I’ll do better.” He said quietly. “ With the little one. I’ll be better.”

Tears these days, sprung up out of nowhere I thought miserably, furiously swiping at my face.

“Leah?” His voice came over the line. “ Leah are you there?”

“I need to go.”

“Alright.”

“Take care of yourself too, Jungkook.”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Loneliness .

It’s such an odd sort of feeling. Sometimes you get used to it so much, that you forget all about it.

It stays , a part of you that doesn’t make much of an impression on you until one day, suddenly it becomes unbearable,

Until you get a glimpse of what it’s like to not be lonely.

And then suddenly it’s like a deep chasm of longing and desperation just opens up inside you, craving love and warmth and company with a hunger that feels like it can never ever be satisfied.

I’d never paid much mind to the fact that my life revolved around myself, my writing and the flowers in the garden. Not until Namjoon had come, demanding to be felt and seen and heard .

 Namjoon hadn’t joked about not letting me rattle around the house. Our days were spent sprawled on the lawns of the Jeon estate, each of us occupied with our own writing . Namjoon typed away on his laptop while I preferred my leather bound notebook. It was oddly soothing, lying there on the clean cut grass, the sharp blades rubbing against my bare legs, as I leaned back against a tree trunk, watching Namjoon’s furrowed brows as he wrote.

Namjoon had changed in a lot of ways and yet he was still somehow just as I remembered, focused and often lost in his own head. He was a contemplative man and seemed to spend as much time reading as he did writing.

“There’s a poetry club that meets every Tuesday in Gangnam. Would you like to come with me?” He asked casually, about a week after he’d moved in and I considered it. The paparazzi had finally stopped hanging about the estate and Jungkook had called the previous night with a ETA for when he would be back.

Four weeks at most, he had said firmly and I wasn’t sure if I was feeling all that excited for his return anymore. Days spent with Namjoon were more exciting. He included me in every little thing and I was addicted.

Somewhere in the back of my mind, I knew this was probably wrong. Namjoon was sweet and kind but I was still married. But on the wake of that thought came the bitter reminder that there was nothing between Jungkook and I. He was in love with someone else. Why should I deny myself the joy of Namjoon’s company over a relationship that really wasn’t a relationship at all.

Namjoon treated me as an equal, teased and flirted like there was nothing wrong with the two of us living like this, together and away from the rest of the world and I liked it. It made me feel like perhaps happiness wasn’t such an abstract, unreachable thing after all. That perhaps I could find happiness like this. In friendship and mindless conversation with a man who didn’t see me as a burden.

“I’d love that.” I said with a smile, letting my fingers knit together with his.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“Scorned wife getting even? We spotted the recently cheated on Mrs Jeon getting cozy with a strapping, buff hottie in a private restaurant last Friday and we can’t help but wonder if perhaps the reclusive lady is trying to get back at her husband by flashing her own boytoy.” Namjoon read cheerfully from his phone, looking way too entertained as he showed me the zoomed photo of us holding hands over the dinner table .

“That’s quite the description they’ve put for you.” I grimaced, sipping my chamomile tea slowly. My father and Mr. Jeon had reacted with their usual anger, threatening to sue the gossip rag for libel but it was pointless. They would keep being intrusive rats. There was nothing much to be done beyond enduring them.

“My agent’s losing his mind. He’s been at me trying to get me to agree to book signings and public appearances and he’s pissed that this is the way I get introduced to Seoul’s High society. Poor guy.” Namjoon chuckled and I felt guilt churn.

“I’m sorry, Namjoon. I really didn’t think they’d be following me. I mean… usually they’re only tailing Jungkook but I guess with the whole thing with Lisa , they’re just looking for ways to make things worse.” I said hesitantly.

Namjoon hesitated, staring at me for a few seconds.

“We never really talked about how things are.” He said quietly. “ Between you and Jungkook, that is.”

I ran the edge of my chopsticks on the brim of my soup bowl.

“ There’s not much to say. He’s…. He’s still sorting things out. With my sister.” I smiled a little. It ached a lot less, I realized with surprise.

“They loved each other deeply.” Namjoon said softly. “ that sort of thing doesn’t go away that quickly.”

I nodded.

“Of course. And I’ve been …understanding of that. I like to think.”

“But its unfair to you. You deserve to be loved too. Fully and well .”

I leaned back to stare at him.

“Are you offering?” I laughed, teasing.

Namjoon didn’t smile, leaning forward instead.

“Depends. Will you ever consider leaving him, for me?” He said seriously.

My heart turned over inside me.

“Namjoon…” I choked out and he reached out and lightly touched my palm.

“I know how marriages work with people like you, so I think I should draw boundaries now, if I want to keep myself safe.” He smiled a bit.

“I’m pregnant. With his child.” I swallowed and Namjoon’s brows went up.

“I thought it was your child. Yours and no one else’s.”

I felt torn, staring at him and wanting to say that I didn’t consider Jungkook as the child’s father, not in the way most people did. But I also remembered my husbands determined voice, the way he kept insisting that he wouldn’t neglect the child.

“Its not about Jungkook or the child, Leah. Its about you. You married Jungkook knowing he was in love with your sister and that tells me that you listen to your parents. You don’t want to stand up against the rules set by our parents and I don’t fault you for it. But I can’t let myself fall for you, knowing you’re going to be bound by your obligations to yurr family.”

I shook my head.

“Don’t fall in love with me.” I said easily. “ You’re right. My family comes first. And whether I want to be or not, I’m bound to Jungkook for life. So don’t fall in love with me.”

He smiled and nodded.

“Alright then.”

“Do you want to move out?” I asked bitterly and he looked genuinely surprised.

“What?”

“You clearly think I’m trying to seduce you or something when really, I-“

“Hey. Hey, Leah…no. No alright, that’s not what I meant. These two weeks, it was amazing. I love your mind and you’re easily one of my favorite people on this planet. We’re friends. And we’ll stay friends no matter what but you must know why I said what I said. You’re a beautiful woman and I’m a lonely guy.” He smiled a bit, “ I just don’t want to make it hard for myself when you want me to leave.”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Jungkook arrived back in Korea on a cold, rainy morning and against my better judgment I let Jihyun and Lisa drag me to the airport. It was some kind of publicity stunt, that much I could fathom but I didn’t know if Jungkook was in on it. I hadn’t spoken to him in a few days, he had been busy wrapping things up with the new branch in Japan.

It was another bad day for my leg and I found myself leaning heavily on my sister, her arm wrapped around my waist as we walked over to the waiting area. I could already identify a few men with cameras staring at us discreetly. Paparazzi . I saw them move their cameras down to the now obvious curve of my stomach and I swallowed. I could already imagine the articles wondering who the father was : Jungkook or Namjoon.

“You alright?” My sister asked worriedly and I nodded, not looking at her. Lisa hadn’t been discouraged by initial refusal to speak to her, keeping at it till I finally caved and let her visit me at the estate. She didn’t love Jungkook anymore, she insisted . It was over. They were over . She wanted to give her marriage a chance. Very sweet and nice, that. And it was obvious that she wasn’t lying, what with the way she and her husband kept

Jihyun and Lisa had made amends with each other and it annoyed me that they seemed to be madly in love with each other all of a sudden. Like the past couple months hadn’t even happened. I stared down at my wedding ring feeling stricken. Was it unfair that I resented them for this? Why hadn’t the two of them thought of this, of breaking things off and moving on before the damn wedding. And then maybe Jungkook and I would have had a real marriage too.

Bitter and hormonal was definitely not a good combination I thought with a wince, fingers splaying on the curve of my lower belly. It was so odd, being pregnant. The extra weight somehow foreign but also …so soothing. The last scan had shown that I had an anterior placenta and that meant that I may not feel movements for a while. I didn’t mind, having found comfort in just tracing my palm over the bare skin of my stomach.

“There he is.” Jihyun’s voice made me look up and ure enough there he was.

It wasn’t the longest we’d been away from each other and yet, I felt my heart leap at the sight of him. He truly was a very handsome man, I thought miserably. And no matter what people said, it was infinitely more difficult to hate your husband when he looked that good.

Jungkook’s eyes caught mine first and I saw the way his gaze dipped straight to the curve of my bump. Even from the ten feet between us , I saw hi lips part in surprise , eyes going wide. It probably hadn’t felt real to him till now, I thought biting my lips as he carefully handed his bags over to the two chauffeurs who had rushed to help him.

Jihyun wasted no time in bounding over and hugging his little brother tight.

I glanced at the man who had been taking photos, pleased to see the surprise in his face. Was he hoping that the CEO would punch his little brother in the face ? Idiots. Lisa stayed by my side and I exhaled shakily.

“ Dad told me something and I want to know if its true.” I said quietly.

She didn’t reply.

I took a deep breath, still watching the two brothers embrace each other, Jungkook’s face buried in Jihyun’s shoulders. I could see him shaking just a little and I felt my gut clench.

“He told me that …that you never told him that you wanted to marry Jungkook. That when he suggested Jihyun you agreed at once.”

She looked away.

“Lets talk about this later.” She said quietly.

“Does Jungkook know?” I demanded. “ Because he spent that first month of our marriage cursing our father out for forcing you to marry Jihyun. Forcing. And dad says that he did no such thing. So what is the truth.”

Lisa didn’t respond.

“Jungkook  knows.” She said finally, “ I told him… the truth. When we were in Japan.” and I laughed in disbelief.

“Was that before or after you kissed him?” I snapped and she looked genuinely pained.

“Leah, I never meant to hurt you or Jungkook.” She said shakily.

“My God.” I shook my head. “ I always knew you were a selfish, greedy person but I didn’t take you for being a liar and a deceitful coward. ”

She stared down at her feet.

“Yes. I’m greedy..”  She whispered “ And you may not understand it now but I did it for you and for Jungkook.”

She moved away and I watched as Jihyun pulled away from Jungkook, still holding his arm as he held a hand out to Lisa. The smile on her face seemed genuine as she took her husband’s hand and I shifted my gaze to mine. Jihyun and Lisa walked away to their car and Jungkook stepped closer to me, his face stoic and impossible to read.  

“Leah.” He said quietly, dark hair falling into even darker eyes.

I didn’t reply, merely stepping up to gently press my palms on either side of his face.

“Welcome back.” I said softly, before reaching up and kissing him full on the lips. Jungkook’s entire body went stiff as a board at the gesture but he didn’t pull away , thankfully. It felt cold and impersonal and barely lasted a few seconds but hopefully the man had gotten a few good shots. I closed my eyes for effect, running my thumb over the clean shaven curve of his jaw, before pulling away slowly.

I peered over Jungkook’s shoulder, just to make sure and sure enough, the man was moving closer to get better angles. I smiled a little. Good. That should hold these vultures off for a while. I turned back to Jungkook and his eyes followed my gaze catching sight of the man with the camera and his entire body seemed to go stiff with anger.

“Why did you do that?” He growled and I bit my lips.

“You know why.” I made to turn away but he gripped my arm, hard. So hard that I winced.

“What are you doing?” I asked panicking, glancing at the man who was still watching.

“Since when did you start pandering to those pigs?” He whispered angrily and I flinched.

“Your father wants to introduce you to the Board of directors this weekend.” I whispered quietly, “Most of them read the news Jungkook. The last news about us can’t be about you cheating on me.”

“That’s my business. And I’ll deal with it. We’re not doing this, Leah. I’m not putting on some kind of act just to please my fucking father.” He looked furious and the taut line of his jaw made me flinch.

“I’m sorry.” I said quickly, guilt churning inside me. He was right. I shouldn’t have done that without talking to him about it but I knew that the scandal with him and Lisa wouldn’t go down well with the Board. And the Board generally had a direct say on who got hired to top managerial positions.

“I just want you to get that job.” I said softly and he stared at me, stiff body relaxing marginally.

“Let’s just go home. Yeah?” Jungkook said tiredly and I bit my lips.

Less than fifteen minutes since he came home and we were already at odds with each other.

The most ill suited couple in the universe, I thought with a grimace as he stepped right next to me and wrapped a hand around my waist.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I had a very terrible tendency to forget taking my pills. So I generally left them by the bedside table. Stepping out of the shower, I found Jungkook sitting on my side of the bed, examining the bottle carefully. I tugged on the white t shirt I had on, suddenly embarrassed because it was Jungkook’s

I’d asked to borrow a couple over the phone,  simply because I no longer fit into my own and the ones I’d ordered weren’t here yet. Jungkook had agreed but still, it felt awkward when he was wearing the exact same t shirt himself.

He turned around when I moved to the vanity to put on moisturizer for the night and through the reflection I saw his gaze linger on my attire.

“Aspirin? Didn’t know that was part of pre natal vitamins?” He said seriously and I blinked., surprised. I turned around to stare at him, licking my lips nervously.

“How much research did you do?” I asked, genuinely curious and he flushed.

“I had a lot of free time. “ He said defensively. “ These six weeks.”

I frowned, before turning back to grab the small pot of night cream from the draw.

“My blood pressure is a little elevated. My mother had pre eclampsia with my sister and they just want to be careful.”

“Pre eclampsia?” Jungkook’s voice was fraught with nervousness and I turned back to see him almost white as a sheet.

“Jungkook…I.. its nothing serious.” I said hastily and his jaw went even more taut.

“What do you mean its not serious? Do you even know what it is?” He demanded.

“Do you?” I snapped back, annoyed at being treated like I was an errant child.

“I know that it’s the leading cause of maternal death during birth.” He all but shouted and I flinched.

“Okay…that’s only in extreme cases.” I held both my hands up. “ it’s a bit too premature to be panicking over that.”

Jungkook opened his mouth, as though to argue but then seemed to calm himself down.

“When’s your next check up?” He asked casually.

“This weekend. But its okay, Namjoon is-“

“I’ll come with you. I.. I want to come with you.” He said quietly.

I stared at him, feeling too awkward to outright refuse.

“You have the meeting with the Board. This weekend.” I said softly.

“So?” Jungkook shrugged. “ I’ll just tell them your appointment and health is more important to me. Besides isn’t that what you wanted? The reason you kissed me at the airport? You want the board to think we’re happily in love. I think that would be an excellent way to show them that. ”

Jungkook stared at me , head tilted curiously, daring me to deny what I had old him myself.

Sighing, I nodded.

“Alright.” I managed a weak smile. “ You can come with me.”

“Namjoon hyung left today, you said?” He asked casually.

I nodded.

“I should send him a bottle of his favorite wine for taking care of you so well. You look good.”

“He did it because he wanted to. Because he enjoyed it.” I retorted, his words rubbing me just a little wrong.

Jungkook smiled although it was more of a smirk.

“I’m sure he did. But I’m here now. And I did promise you that I’ll be there for you.”

“For the baby.” I said sharply, not liking the way he looked. The things he seemed to b implying.” You promised me you’d be there for the baby.”

“And right now, said baby is inside you.” He grinned now and I felt my pulse quicken at the sight. Jungkook didn’t smile with me. It wasn’t something that happened. At all. “ So I’ll have to take care of you.”

I stared at him, biting my lips.

“What are you doing?” I demanded. “My sister told you she never wanted you so now you want to start fucking me again?”

It was cruel. A terrible thing to say and I regretted it at once.

The smile faded.

“What?”

“ I…fuck Jungkook.” I groaned.

“is that what you think of me? Need I remind you that you were the one who came to me all those months ago? I never…. I would never force myself on you, Leah.” He looked like he’d been stabbed and I heart clenched.

“Jungkook , I…”

“I’ve been honest. Through all of this I’ve been honest to you. I lied to your sister, I lied to my father and fuck I even lied to myself. But I’ve been honest with you , Leah.”

“And that’s supposed to make me feel better?!” I cried out, despairing. “ You were in love with my sister and –“

“And she wanted to marry my brother.” Jungkook yelled, standing up and turning to me, eyes blazing. “  All along. Know what she told me Leah? That it was never supposed to be me. That five years of us being together…it was because she was in love with my brother and she couldn’t bear the thought of being alone. She started dating me to make him jealous and when she saw that I spent so much time with Jihyun she stuck around . So she could spend time with him.” He shook his head.

I stared at him, horrified.

“Jungkook….”

“I thought I could never feel more pathetic than when I stood there listening her tel me how she never felt a single thing for me. But wow…. Thank you for proving me wrong. Because right now, standing here begging you to let me a part of the child we both made knowing you only see me as some kind of pervert just looking to get into your bed….” he shook his head,” I feel worse. I feel dirty.”

My throat went dry.

“You know what?” He moved to the closet and to my horror he grabbed a bunch of his clothes and a small suitcase. “ I’m going to go get a Hotel room.”

“What? No… Jungkook, wait!” I rushed to his side, grabbing his arm but he threw my hand off quickly.

“Ask Namjoon hyung to move back in. Better yet, tell dad the truth. That you think I’m disgusting. That the thought of me being in your life makes you sick. Tell him you want a divorce and-“

“It’s a girl.” I exhaled sharply.

Jungkook went completely still.

I swallowed, my heart racing so fast I couldn’t catch my breath.

I took a deep breath and moved to lightly touch his back, fingers splaying on the broad expanse of his shoulder blade .

He turned around at that and my heart lurched at the tear tracks down his cheeks. He looked wrecked.

“ A girl?” He whispered.

I bit my lips, nodding.

“We’re having a little girl.” He looked a little shell shocked.

“Yes. And hopefully, she isn’t as dramatic as her father.” I said softly, grabbing the dozen or so t shirts he’d pulled out of the closet and pushing them back into the shelves.

Jungkook didn’t protest, still staring into space, probably just taking the news in. I felt awful for one second because I hadn’t even cared all that much when the technician had told me.

I closed the closet door and moved back to the vanity trying to process all that had been said in the last five minutes, only to feel a headache come on. I would think about it tomorrow.

I finished braiding my hair when Jungkook’s voice came from the bed.

“If you don’t want me to intrude into your space you can tell me. I’m okay with only getting information about the baby.” He said quietly.

I stared at myself in the mirror.

I turned to him slowly. i took a deep breath, considered that what i was going to say would likely change everything between us. But i had to. 

I’ve always been honest with you Leah, He had said and I decided that perhaps he deserved some honesty in return.

“I think I’m in love with Namjoon.” 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Author’s Note : these two are such a mess istg. 

ooh i don’t have a taglist for this so please comment if you wanna be on it. 

[pokebiologist]

Hello Professor! I was hoping you could help me come up with a pokemon team? I'm an aspiring fashion student and I would love to have pokemon that could help me in some way in my career.

The more, the merrier!

Oh boy! There are lots of Pokémon out there who could make great companions for fashion designers. I've listed some of my ideas below, please forgive me if I miss some key concepts as I do not know very much about the fashion world.

First I think that a Pokémon with telekinetic abilities would be very handy, from sorting tools to arranging fabrics. Telekinesis is a very accessible move by TM, so you have a great many options there. Togetic, Espeon, Gothorita, Audino, Clefairy, and Kirlia all stand out to me as particularly well-suited to assisting an artistic trainer. All tend to be quite loyal Pokémon who enjoy keeping their people safe and happy, and are intelligent enough to get a lot of enrichment out of creative problem solving challenges.

Second, I imagine that it would be very helpful to have one or more Pokémon that are capable of easily and accurately cutting and pinning materials. Cacnea, Togedemaru, Sandslash, Scyther, Pincurchin, Pawniard, Zangoose, and Sneasel are all great options. Just keep in mind that most of the Pokémon on that list are predator species who need a decent amount of safety training as well as abundant enrichment and exercise to prevent restlessness.

Similarly to before, I know that many people who work with clothes tend to raise Bug-Type Pokémon that can assist with sewing using their String Shot ability. Leavanny is of course the most popular; between their natural inclination to making garments and their pleasant personalities they are commonly kept by tailors as both assistants and mascots. Spinarak, Caterpie, and Scatterbug are also very capable of helping out in that way.

And of course, there are several Pokémon species known for enjoying handling fabrics and creating disguises. If you like Ghost-Type Pokémon, then adding a Banette or a Mimikyu to your team could be very helpful. Otherwise a Burmy or Furfrou could make an excellent model for you.

Other Pokémon with generally wonderful and helpful dispositions include Minccino, Lillipup, Machop, Zigzagoon, and Alcremie. Rounding out your team with one of these sociable Pokémon could be a great way to ensure team spirit.

If you are currently living in a student dorm or small apartment, I'd recommend keeping your team small to start with, and leaning towards Pokémon that do not require tons of exercise or space to move around. Especially considering that you have classes and studying to do. Finding reputable breeders to raise a Cacnea and a Sewaddle pair may be the most pragmatic starting point, as both have relatively easy care regimens and enjoy basking in sunshine when not with their trainer. However, if you live in a space that is very cold or does not have abundant sunshine, I would instead recommend starting with an Eevee and a Shuppet or Sneasel.

Best of luck!

-Thea

[sunless-garden]

Hi! Hope you have a great day/night!

Just wanted to say, I'm obsessed with BTP. Your fic is so well written and amazing. I love your Elena and the way you've written Bonnie and Elijah. I'm freaked out by Klaus and I'm glad because I hate it when some writers write him as a victim who has a kind heart blah blah blah. I guess that's why I love Klena, because in KE fics Klaus always has a terrifying personality and I love it.

I have a question though, what made you ship them, and do you have any idea if you'll continue writing for them after this series is over?

Thank you so much!!! I'm so flattered that you're enjoying Beneath The Pine - you've really made my day!

I'm so glad you like my Elena! She is my favorite character on TVD, and I think she is a fascinating character - particularly because she is absolutely ruthless when it comes to protecting those that she loves. I also find it really interesting that, although she is a supernatural being, she doesn't have any supernatural abilities that she herself can exercise. It means that Elena has to be clever to survive and to protect her loved ones, and she also has a strong need for alliances (e.g., Elijah in season 2).

I find Klaus tricky to write, because I agree he should be terrifying, but I also think he's more than that. I absolutely do not think he has a naturally kind heart, but he is capable of kindness towards certain people, if he feels like he's in control and he's in the proper mood. Also, it is true that Klaus was a victim of abuse: Mikael abused him both physically and emotionally, and Esther didn't protect him from that abuse - and in fact, made it worse by intentionally weakening him and then later binding his werewolf aspect. But although that trauma influences his character, it doesn't excuse all the ways that Klaus has victimized others. Ultimately, I think Klaus's love is a very dangerous thing - look at how he treats his siblings, and Rebekah in particular.

All that said, what made me ship Elena and Klaus?

Well, I will ship Elena with just about anyone. But I find the complexity of Klena just striking. Both Elena and Klaus can love too much, which of course influences how they treat their loved ones. Compare Elena having Jeremy compelled and sending him away for his own safety, to Klaus daggering Rebekah to prevent her from leaving him. Also, I think that Elena can be her most ruthless, dark self with Klaus, and he won't turn away from her. In return, Elena has a seemingly limitless capacity for forgiveness, which Klaus unfortunately needs, given his tendency to get in his own way.

Although the fandom for Klena is small, there are some real gems: I highly recommend fics such as certain dark things by twocankeepasecret, (The Stars Were Brightly Shining) and Fairytale Ending by adlyb (@livlepretre), and Queen of the Highway by sevensistersofsussex (@sevensistersofsussex). There are tons of other great Klena fics, but those in particular really drew me in.

Regarding your second question, will I continuing writing for Klena after my The Trees Are Bare series is complete?

I think so - but we still have quite a while before my TTAB series will be complete. BTP is outlined in detail and will probably take at least another 50k words to finish. I then have the start of an outline for a sequel to BTP, which will probably end up similar in length to TTAB. I also have some ideas for a few one shots in the TTAB verse, including side stories from POVs other than Elena's. All of that will probably take me through the end of the year to complete.

Also, as I noted above, I will ship Elena will just about anyone, and I'd also like to explore some other pairings.

I might make I Ain't Letting Up Until The Day I Die into an Elejah series - one that deals with the implications and consequences of Elena's sire bond with Damon.

I would also like to transform my series of Kolena ficlets in A Million Might Have Beens into one coherent multi-chaptered fic. (Currently I think of this as my Kolena Flower Language verse.)

I also have some other fic ideas brewing, but the above are my most immediate priorities.

Thanks again for this ask!