#but it is 1AM and I just want to get to bed so it is what it is
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TBR Tag Game
I'm hopping on an open tag from @tc-doherty to share 9 books I read this year, and 9 books I'm hoping to read next year.
Read This Year:
Vespertine by Margaret Rogerson
Running Close to the Wind by Alexandra Rowland
The Traitor Baru Cormorant by Seth Dickenson
A Desolation Called Peace by Arkady Martine (also read the first book)
The Spirit Well by R.K. Ashwick (@ashen-crest)
The Obsidian Tower by Melissa Caruso
Godkiller by Hannah Kaner
Snowblooded by Emma Sterner-Radley
Somewhere Beyond the Sea by T.J. Klune
The first 5 were my favorites of the year (in no particular order), and the rest were honorable mentions.
Hoping to Read Next Year:
The Tyrant Baru Cormorant by Seth Dickinson
The Monster Baru Cormorant by Seth Dickinson
A Captured Cauldron by R.K. Ashwick (@ashen-crest)
Voyage of the Damned by France White
Ella Minnow Pea by Mark Dunn
Strictly No Heroics by B.L. Radley (@radley-writes)
The Quicksilver Court by Melissa Caruso
Thornhedge by T. Kingfisher
I don't have a 9th I'm super excited about, despite having more in my TBR, so 8 will have to do. I'm most eager to read the top row, but I'm excited about all of them!! I do really want to re-read the Gentleman Bastards series, though... I need to read about the original Idiot Bastard Man (affectionate).
Tagging @transmasc-wizard @space-writes @writeouswriter @cryptid-s-wips @emrowene @talesofsorrowandofruin
#morrigan.text#morrigan reads#not writing#this post has been done and waiting to be posted for like 2 hours now. I meant to go check something and then hit post#but instead I got distracted and now it's almost 1am.#I still have to shower tonight too.#gotta go get on a plane tomorrow to go to Florida and I don't really want to but I also do want to.#mostly I just don't want my dad's girlfriend to come along but alas. She is.#and I'm going to be away from my computer for a whole week. And I'm not going to be using my phone much either.#so other than my nightly ''scroll through my entire dash and see everything that's been posted in the past 24 hours'' before bed#I won't really be on tumblr much. :'(#but on the plus side my sister offered to let me install steam and one or two games on her laptop so I'll probably be playing a LOT of StS.
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everyones more than welcome to send me asks about stuff* btw, i know i havent been that good in answering, but i think thats largely bc i always want to do too much, like .. drawing entire character design sheets and everything and then never having the energy or motivation for it so it sits around like all of my hundreds of wips i never finished bc i lost energy/motivation, waiting for it to come back .. which might never happen (and i still dont know how to handle compliments ,, i might never will tbh- if i havent answered a compliment its very very likely i dont know how to properly convey my gratitude- feeling like theres no amount of things i can do or say to 'pay back'? ... kinda weird if you think about it .. but i am weird so what do i know jsklfnhsdk, i promise you i treasure it)
im pretty sure not everyone that sends an ask expects a drawing or multiple and pages long text right? thats my skewed perspective isnt it?
*stuff being like .. about my ocs, about my zelda comic, about the totk rewrite project, suggestions, ideas, rants too, kind of anything though im less likely to respond to personal things (and in case theres anyone newer to tumblr, asks dont have to be literal questions, you can write in those what you want, i like them alot bc its a lil message without the chat type of commitment to it ... im even worse at keeping up responding in chats (not intentionally .. my short term memory sucks) o3o)
#ganondoodles talks#personal#i might ... have gotten some of my art spark back .... i think#i dont want to announce anything before knowing for sure#but i was able to fix the comic panel i kept getting frustrated on today so im countign that as a win#............... in case you are one of the at least 8 people who saw the oc post i wrote yesterday btw ... sorry my fear of being cringe wo#i deleted it earlier today T-T#i still feel like im making myself too vunerable talking about my ocs#like oh gods i cant write things like that .. scenes out of context that mean alot to me but are jsut werid to read for others#i fought the cringe fear for a long time but it still won#if you dont know- its nothing to worry about ... just got mad at myself for wasting an entire evening just daydreaming about ocs again-#and added a really sloppy summarized version of a scene i came up with for them that made me feel things but makes no sense-#-and has no weight written in tags like that so uuuuh thats gone now dfjkgndfjknjkd#i sometimes think i shouldnt be allowed to make posts past 10 pm but here i am writing one at .. FRICK ... 1am again#....going to bed now .. woops
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Finished editing next chapter of the Hotguy/Cuteguy Love-square fic, now the question is do I post now or wait until my original planned date of Friday/Saturday?
#the other me fic#hotguy#cuteguy#scarian#hermitshipping#mental ill brain says post tonight for more immediate validation#other part says wait and restart consistent posting schedule (Still going every two weeks instead of every week tho)#going to have it as a draft ready to publish and then go to bed since its 1am here#but if people who care about the fic and want it now see this#tell me and i'll just hit post in the morning#if not lets say it will be up Friday afternoon (est)#i'll post between work and going to see Rocky Horror#either way new update very soon!#and boy are they getting closer to figuring out their shit#but also#we're getting closer to the small bit of angst I have planned :D#its endgame angst and the identity reveal i've had planned since the conception of this fic#I can't wait#only like two or three chapters till its all done#maybe more if i write like a lot#chapter 15 is just over 3k tho#which is one of the longer ones so far
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#feeling very hopeless about the future tonight...#regarding my dysphoria and my transition that very likely will never happen#and just overall feeling very jealous of tras dudes on t or recovering from top surgery#just feeling pathetic today nothing new but i wasn't expecting it honestly#i would love to get herapy this year if possible to help me not feel so hopeless#but before i do that i have to get proper and regular well paying work so that i can even afford therapy#and that's a whole other thing...#it's just a never ending and never even starting cycle my life is#like to do one thing i have to do another first and before that can happen i have to do something else#and it keeps going so i can never start#idk how#idk where to start#it seems like i'm always missing something to be able to#and it's so frustrating and just hopeless you know?#i just want to solve ONE thing at least#but i feel like everything is out of my control#out of my hands#and i just don't know what to do#I don't even know if i CAN do anything about it#...#we'll i'm kind of spiraling now so i'm gonna go to bed#i just got caught by surprise with this dark mood#i guess it's the 1am blues#who the fuck knows#angel talks#personal
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the post grad why did i get an art degree what am i even doing what do i want in life where am i going crisis has finally hit i want to. lie down in the dirt. or something
#WHAT AM I DOING!!!!#i get up i go to my stupid retail job i stick labels on bags they pay me fucking thirteen bucks an hour i come home i lie on the couch#too tired to draw in too much pain to go anywhere no energy to reach out to college friends to do anything fun#no idea where the even start with getting an industry job no clue what i even WANT at this point#trying to remember what i loved so much about comics i want it BACK i HATE this#WHAT IS THE POINT!!!! WHAT DO I WANT WHERE AM I GOING!!! WHAT COMES NEXT!!!!!!#there's no clear career trajectory i can't do freelance i need structure i can't work too much i need free time#my brain doesn't work every job requires me to move across the country the irs just took fucking three hundred stupid dollars from me#my friends live in different states i can't get a job without experience i can't get experience without a job#i can't work on my portfolio with no energy and no time and i dont have any money and everything is so expensive all the time#i can't get anywhere bc i dont drive and im too stressed to think about taking driving lessons again#and WHAT DO I WANT!#THE MOST INTERESTING THING I DO EVERY WEEK IS GO TO PHYSICAL THERAPY!#I AM EXCITED EVERY WEEK FOR PHYSICAL THERAPY!!!! WHY!!!!!!!!#anyway WHATEVER i need to go to bed#delete later#i got into spx. today. so. had to have a crisis about how i felt when i attended spx (energized. excited. a part of something. ambitious)#versus how i feel now (tired. unmotivated. kind of apathetic about art. disconnected)#i dont miss the stress of school but i miss being around other artists. ppl who speak your language and who want the same things you want#ppl who are excited abut art and that makes YOU excited about art. ppl who get you#i miss that i want that back#whatever. its 1am i gotta go shower i have an 8.5 hour shift tomorrow. wahoo. $13.50/hr lets go
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every time it's the end of the year i feel like i'm going insane like the entire year just culminates into me just mcfreaking losing it on new years eve
#first of all i am so tired. my cat is on this horrible schedule where she wakes up at like 11pm and so i end up staying up to play with#her until like 2am bc im like she slept all day she needs to play which is fine but i get up at 7 every morning and so ive been doing this#for like 2 weeks straight and im so tired. so last night at like 1am i was just playing with her just sobbing bc im so tired#but i feel so guilty just going to sleep when she wants to play so im like im not just going to not play so im sitting my bed#throwing her stupid little yarn for her just crying and she's like :) watching me throw it back and forth im like ok.#but that's whatever bc idc i'll do anything for her#then since saturday there has been this Smell in my hallway and i have looked everywhere for it and i dont even know what it is#but it's like a sour kind of just really irritating smell and it's not strong but it just lingers#and ive searched EVERYWHERE. and nothing is wrong so now i'm thinking maybe#something died on the roof in my bathroom vent fan thing bc i leave my bathroom window open all the time but#last night it was almost completely closed bc it was cold last night and i was like ok yeah it's stronger in here now#so i just taped a trash bag over it to see if it goes away and if that's it then i have to deal with that#also im getting my period so i know that's why im upset at all#then i have a lost package that ive been waiting for since a week before christmas and i was like hey can you guys like help me find my#package like it's not the company's fault but i wanted to know if they could like idk contact the shipper or something#and theyre like oh it's just tracking error :) it's on it's way#like ok. it's in a city an hour away from me and it's been in limbo between ups and usps since the 19th so no it's actually not coming at#all i think but they keep blowing me off#then i have to go to the store right now and i know it's going to be so crowded and anyway ok im done dumping and complaining#i just feel like im drowning rn but im going drink so much champagne tonight and forget it all
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where im at mentally these days: my mum hugged me and said im doing a good job and i burst into tears <3
#i mean it was a little more fleshed out than that#i asked for a hug and she asked if i was okay and i didnt say anything so she said something about me feeling like#untethered. just kind of floating through life. and i said yeah. and she told me im doing a good job like. getting through the day basically#and i cried about it because i dont even know why its so hard#and i feel so shitty all the time because i just feel like a shit person like i dont try hard enough with my nephew#and hes so little and so smart and im so awful and every day im worried hes going to stop liking me bc im still learning how to be. gentle.#because i grew up with yelling and a locked pantry and an older sister who had to raise me#so i dont know how to not yell and not escape into my own world when i cant be bothered#and i have really good days and really terrible days and hes not a Job hes my nephew and i want to treat him like my nephew#and it feels so selfish to say im tired and that its hard and stressful and i dont know what im doing#bc my sister has to do it too and she doesnt get breaks like i do#she doesnt get to just decide to leave for the night - and i mean i dont do that but i have the option#and everyone keeps. like. telling me im doing good and im helpful and my sister especially tells me often shes grateful for me#and it makes me feel Awful bc i feel like i dont do enough and that the stuff i DO isnt good enough and just argh#anyway#vent over i need to go to bed its 1am and i have to get up in 5 hours#captain speaks
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SUCCESS: every death stranding npc is now my best friend :)
#death stranding#only 4 more achievements to 100% :) really just 3 cuz one of them is a 'get all the achievements' achievement#i just need to do more 'legend of legends' deliveries; get my delivery evaluation stats up; and find all the memory chips#(my last 3 achievements being growth of a legend; great deliverer; and fount of knowledge)#yeah so i think i might really like this video game;#...i wanted to go to bed earlier tonight lmao. it's past 1am now :|
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#it's 1am and i'm depressed and don't want to go to bed#there's such an unbelievable amount of century-defining tragedy and horror in the world rn#and i know that’s always true but jfc we know about so much more of it simultaneously now#like i'm supposed to be chill and functional in the face of war pandemic climate change forever chemicals micro plastics and fascism?#and and and?#i'm supposed to smile and ask follow-up questions when people tell me about vacations to Hawaii#rather than shaking them and saying holy fuck stop doing that please learn about the ramifications and historical context of your actions#i'm supposed to smile and give a measured response when a new coworker asks my other coworker and me#when they can/SHOULD use generative AI *for work purposes*#rather than screaming and throwing articles at them about the environmental impact of LLM bullshit#and that's all large scale#that's not getting into the fact that there's a growing family chilliness over refusal to communicate about I/P shit#or the fact that my mom is dying slowly and hates it and is worsening her relationship with my siblings little by little#or the fact that I'm peeling away at my sanity trying to process a divorce and get healthcare for my cat and dental care for myself#or the fact that it takes hours of research to find DISH SOAP THAT DOESN’T KILL THE MICROBIOMES OF THE LOCAL WATER SUPPLY#(10/10 recommend 'blueland' for that if you're reading btw)#like i'm painfully aware of the back-patting level of efficacy that i have for buying different soap and going to the farmer's market#but there's only so much i can do so i have to try to do what i can right? but it's so little and everything is so much#and my mental health is a mess; the fact that my particular neurotype is known to get more volatile with age scares the shit oit of me#like it's this bad at 33 and it gets WORSE?#my job is great for personal privilege but so *so* meaningless and redundant#and how tf do i look at all of this and not feel fucking hopeless?#i can distract myself with my garden but the candide approach was myopic even in the 17th century so it's hard to justify now#I'm so tired#just... fuck man#tag rant#i should delete this but I'll forget if you read this far i hope it wasnt damaging to your mental health#i just had to let off the brain scream pressure somewhere
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sometimes i get the General Melancholies and i hate it a lot
#personal#i stayed up until almost 2am last night reading fic (not melancholy-related)#so i am tired#and i was fully planning on going to bed at a reasonable hr tonight#but then i was minding my own business when the General Melancholy slunk in and now it's almost 1am#and i desperately need to go to sleep and i'm tired and i want to#but i also don't want to go to bed bc i don't want to wake up and be tired again and have to deal with the day#and i have long in-person meetings and my brother and sister-in-law are coming and the dog is gonna be here#and they're going on a 10 day vacation and we just get to babysit the dog the whole time#which is going to drive my cats insane#one of them will probably scratch herself to bleeding at some point bc she gets so stressed when doggo is here that long#that's not FAIR it's HER house it's supposed to be her SAFE SPACE#idk#a lot of things going on in my brain about relationships and shit#hate it#giving me the Melancholies#i know i'll snap out of it but rn it sucks a little
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I will say while I've loved most of elden ring I'm really glad I'm down to just 2 more main boss fights (malenia + maliketh) before I start the endgame boss fights... whew 😮💨
#really gorgeous world but frankly its unnecessarily long. theyre gonna kill me for saying that but its true..#some areas/bosses just become overly repetitive when the game is THAT massive like its unavoidable#they tried rly hard to distinguish every area + honestly its a great effort but it couldve been half the size and just as good#like i just did the elphael ulcerative tree spirit bc i wanted to finish millicents questline. and come on man we didnt need another one#the design is sick + loooove the animation. but its a bad fight not bc of the difficulty but bc its janky as hell#lock on doesnt work properly bc of its size and the way it moves. u cant see shit on ur screen fighting them melee its just hack n slash#and theyre always in the most dogshit arenas possible for them like spaces w no maneuverability. its just not fuuuun#especially after youve fought 5 or 6 already earlier on in the game..#and its cool to have variations like the scarlet rot ones but we already HAD one of those just before lake of rot!! the gimmicks worn off#i did everything except maliketh in farum azula today as well and again. it didnt need to be that long. killing beastmen gets boring#after like the first 20 combat is just mashing buttons.. even the platforming is getting dull bc ive done 120 hours of it now#and theres only so many combinations of ladders and hallways and so on that u can possibly cram in here..#i say all this with fondness like i truly do love it. but it couldve been a lot tighter! regardless ill still 100% complete it#and i get most ppl dont try to get every single armament and talisman etc so they probably dont waste time FULLY exploring like i am#ahhh. anyway ill probably do malenia and maliketh tmr bc im right outside both of their arenas. and then call it quits this weekend#ill get my first ending next weekend probably... and hopefully by june ill have 100% and then i can play something else 😭#ik the dlc comes out in june but ill probably take a month or two break before i get to that#it doesnt even neeeed a dlc.......its excessive as it is just make a new game by this point ahhhhh#anyway its like 1am i need to SLEEP. i said i would go out to watch for northern lights but its overcast and im tired and my roommate#didnt wanna come with.. so i was gonna go to bed early instead but i guess that didnt happen lol#gonna feel like shit tomorrow bc i have to be up early to take my meds and she'll wake me up anyway.. but cross that bridge#typing is getting difficult bc im so sleepy okay goodnight everyone#.diaries
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woah I woke up at 7:30am all on my own ... how
#[static]#I've been slowly trying to get myself to wake up earlier by training my brain#but today I woke up a whole hour before my alarm even though we went to bed at 1am#we're about to have daylights savings this weekend so im gonna be right back to square one with waking up early lol#but that was cool! im usually really good at imagining what time i want to get up and my body just does it if it's within reason-#-to my normal wake up time#i just love the morning light and having time to relax before going to work#and waking up at 10am was Not it for me
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I know I HAVE to go to bed but what if i just draw forever
#AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH#shut up me#im actually too tired to keep drawing right now but god. i do NOT want to go to bed yet#1am just feels like such an early bed time and I know in my heart its not#in fact my goal is to get myself to bed at like 12am so I can be better prepared for my 8am next term#but hoooly shit i hate it. i hate it#i am not a morning person.. cries
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#I’m so ready for this chapter to be done with#and I had a lot of hope that I could manage an update this weekend but I found out today that x is coming to visit#and listen. I’m at 20k so statistically it’s gonna get done sooner rather than later#but sooner might not be until next weekend and that frustrates me since I had an ideal update schedule I want to maintain#and I don’t want it to get messed up ma#*up#and it doubly sucks that the reason im so behind is that the holiday season kicked my ass on top of all the prep I had to#*to do for my friends wedding and I just. idk I don’t regret doing any of gang since it’s core memories but I kinda just reminds me that if#i want to live the life I want to live then writing will have to go on the back burner at times but I always want to be writing#like in high school my parents rented every episode of sharp’s rifle off of Netflix so that they could show it to me and my sibling#*sibling except I didn’t watch any of it since I was holed up in my room writing all the time like they all have this core memory of#watching this show together that I don’t have but if I didn’t hole up like that then I wouldn’t have practiced writing as a teen which#i needed to do since I wasn’t born a good writer and had to really learn if#*it cause I have no natural talents lmao yayyyy ok it’s 1am I’ll go to bed now#will delete probably
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waiting for the hair supply store to open bc im already out and about and it's STARTING TO RAINNNN AUGHHHH
#i've been awake since 1am for work so i figured when i got off i might as well pick up this hair dye#but i don't want to be annoying and be the FIRST customer in the store so i was gonna wait it out for a min#and now it is raining :|#i just want to get this dye so i can get back home and crawl into bed 😭#elijah.txt
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i share a wall with my younger brother and he will stay up until 1 or 2 am talking on the phone with his friends (on speaker mode) and no matter HOW MANY TIMES i tell him to be quiet he does not care!
i can literally hear his friends as well! he doesn't even turn down the volume!
#most nights i can't even try and go to bed until 1am because of him#it's fucking miserable#i wanted to be asleep an hour ago#but 1) he will not learn and just start out quiet#and 2) most of the time he doesn't even get quiet when i ask him to!#most of the times when i ask him to be quiet he'll say 'oh sorry'#i don't believe him#it pisses me off i'd rather him not apologize#because he ISNT sorry#if he was he would BE QUIET#im pretty sure i heard him start bitching to his friend about me after i told him too :)#probably one of the reasons im feeling so horrible all the time because i can't get any sleep :)#literally the only nights i can get decent sleep is when he's staying over at someone else's house#fucking hell
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