#but it feels weird to write a whole ship fic and just... not discuss him? so well see 😅

[good-beans]

Hi! "ML Up until now it's been like a dream" sounds interesting!

Aw thanks! I'm impressed you could scope out my one Mikoto wip...

It's a little normal au 0309 thing from Fuuta's pov. The general premise is that Mikoto crashes his bike on his way to work, gets a concussion, has (non-John-related) memory issues, and Fuuta is compelled to look after him. I wanted a fun comparison of videogame restarts/second chances -- Fuuta says something rash and the conversation gets weird, until a few minutes later when Mikoto has a lapse in short term memory, and Fuuta gets to try the exact same situation again. By the end of the day, Fuuta is using the situation to very carefully test out compliments/confessions since there's no pressure it'll be remembered and he'll have to deal with the consequences. It's basically my timeloop fic without a timeloop 😂

The title was the first thing that popped into my head (as all my first working titles are) and comes from a story from my dad's childhood when he got a concussion and his short term memory kept resetting. He kept telling his family "You know, up until now it's been like a dream!" until his brother quoted it back to him and he went "how did you know I was gonna say that??" It started as a silly joke title, but Mikoto has the whole line about dreaming, so I'm keeping an eye out if there's a way I can actually work it into the fic !!

[soobsim]

I've just read nerdy beomgyu fic and GIRLLLLLL you're so talented jskdhdks idk if you're open to make a part 2 but here's a lil suggestion : after that day reader and beomgyu start doing sexual activities multiple whenever you go over to his house or making out in empty classesduring lunch breaks. But you never actually had sex, and while beomgyu is feeling ecstatic that he's finally getting his fantasies fulfilled he wants to be yours and to make the whole thing exclusive. One day he decides to ask you out but his heart gets broken once he overhears someone says that you're dating another classmate ( a false rumour ) after that you notice that beomgyu is avoiding you and stopped talking to you and this kept going for 2 weeks and during that time you realize that you actually really like beomgyu, so you go to his house to get an explanation for his weird behavior and that man is so pathetic that when you asked him what was wrong he starts crying and confessing how he is so in love with you he couldn't stand the idea of you being with someone else so you make it up to him by giving him the real thing after that you finally agree to be his girlfriend. Sorry if this is too much but i just really loved the fic i really want you to write a 2nd part 🧎‍♀️

(awww tysm <3 and no, it's not too much to ask, you're good. motive pt. 1 here.)

motive c.bg (2)

[DISCLAIMER: nsfw – minors dni, virgin!beomgyu x fem!reader, submissive and jealous beomgyu, situationship/fwb to lovers, angst, fluff, slow and soft sex (his first time), beomgyu is SO sensitive..he comes twice] wc: 2,649

m.list

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beomgyu was basically walking on clouds ever since the day you read his diary and brought one of his fantasies to life, two months ago. because, it didn't stop there.

he was so upset, thinking it was just a one time thing, until you pulled him inside an empty classroom the very next morning. you, yourself were so hooked to him, to the way he was so into you.

at first, it was just about exploiting the fact that beomgyu had such a major crush on you. it was just about enjoying how soft his lips were, or how he'd get so easily worked up for you, or how obsessed he was with pleasing you.

it started off as makeouts in empty classes, going over to either his or your place and touching each other, feeling each other up with your clothes still on. it even went as far as you teaching him how to finger you. safe to say, he's a fast learner.

but, you hadn't had sex with him yet.

beomgyu didn't mind that. he was satisfied with the fact that you even entertained him. actually, he liked that you both hadn't gone all the way, wanting it to be more meaningful and intimate when you do sleep together—after he had asked you out, which he planned to do very soon.

that was until he heard two of the girls from your circle discussing about your alleged dates with another guy from your class, who he knew you were close with. beomgyu had seen you with him quite often, which only made it difficult for him to ignore the conversation.

it hit beomgyu like a truck, the realisation that he was actually not satisfied with just this. he wanted you, for himself, not just for sneaky and secretive makeouts.

the news about you dating the infamously cool keeho, who literally everyone shipped you with, shattered his confidence. and heart.

it was worse because he had finally gathered some courage to ask you out that weekend.

so, he started pulling away, making excuses whenever you asked to see him, or asked if you could come over, or if he could come over. it was a defense mechanism, though, it did nothing to stop him from crying during the nights.

you knew beomgyu was a virgin, and as much as it tempted you to taint his innocence, you had grown to care for him. you did not want to use him, which only meant one thing: this was starting to turn into something more than just about messing around.

which is why, when you noticed the sudden distance from beomgyu's end, you got worried. confused too, yes, but more worried than anything else.

you tapped your foot against the floor, your hands stuffed inside your hoodie's pockets as you waited for beomgyu to open the door.

he wouldn't respond to your texts since last night, so you decided to show up unannounced, almost restless to see him again. the entire situation only opened your eyes, that you weren't simply attracted to beomgyu physically, you liked him too. alot.

beomgyu opened the door a few seconds later, pausing when he saw you. "y/n...? what are you..uh, why are you here?" he asked, hesitating to open the door any further.

you could see the way he was reluctant to even open the door for you, and it stung. you didn't let it show on your face though.

"because you haven't replied to my texts for over twenty hours," you didn't like how that sounded a little desperate, but you didn't really care. you just wanted to figure out what was wrong.

beomgyu blinked, not expecting that to bother you as much. "i just..haven't checked my phone. i was busy." he lied, biting his inner cheek.

you furrowed your brows, "busy? with what?" you asked with an impatient edge to your words.

"i'm not obliged to tell you everything." beomgyu spoke, the frustration clear in his voice.

you opened your mouth but couldn't say anything, because he wasn't wrong. you guys weren't technically anything. he didn't owe you an explanation.

your shoulders sagged a little, "you don't, but maybe i just wanna know. you've been avoiding me, and i don't like that." you huffed, equally frustrated.

beomgyu swallowed thickly and looked down at the floor, hating how his heart still fluttered at that. at the thought that maybe you did care.

"i don't think you'll need my attention all that much now, anyway." he scoffed rather sadly. his eyes burned a little, the voice that's been telling him that you only did stuff with him because you pitied him for how much he liked you, crawling it's way back.

your confusion only grew at his vague words, "what's that even supposed to mean, beomgyu? stop talking in code language." your voice was quiet, but it still echoed through the hallway.

beomgyu inhaled shakily and looked up at you, his eyes now starting to tear up. "you know how much i-i like you. you know everything, y/n. i've been so..in love with you for the last three years, and you knew that." his voice cracked, your heart clenching at his pained confession.

"and, yet..you're dating someone else, despite everything we've done." a sob broke out of his throat, tears now running down his cheeks.

what? your brows furrowed further when he said that, because you weren't dating anybody. if anything, you couldn't, ever since you first rode beomgyu's lap.

a beat of silence lingered between you two, before you gently pushed beomgyu inside his own apartment and walked in yourself, closing the door behind you.

beomgyu almost protested, but froze when you tugged him by his sweatshirt's collar and kissed him. his words dissolved in his mouth and he just stood still for a second, before he tilted his head and dove right in to kiss you back.

his lips moved eagerly against yours, his tears slipping down and landing between your lips when you pried his mouth open and deepend the kiss.

the awareness that he was crying hit you again and you pulled away, "how can you possibly believe that, despite everything we've done?" you repeated his words back to him, your voice softer than it has ever been.

beomgyu's eyes flickered with a sense of anticipation and uncertainity. "what do you mean? everyone is talking about you...dating keeho." he sniffled.

oh.

a chuckle escaped your lips and you let your forehead fall on beomgyu's shoulder, that were quite broad for his soft personality.

"and, you just blindly believed it? is that why you've been acting so distant?" you asked, noticing how beomgyu heart beats faster as your head rests on his shoulder.

beomgyu's face heats up in embarrassment and he stays silent, registering the fact it was a baseless rumour.

you lifted your head to look at him again, "you're so naive, it hurts sometimes." you mumble under your breathe, your tone endeared. the puppy-like look on his face didn't help, only tugging at your heart harder.

beomgyu meets your eyes with a shy gaze again, "so, you're..not dating him?" he asked, his glossy eyes now hopeful.

you smiled, "no, idiot. i can't possibly date anyone else after having a taste of you." you blurt out, not wanting to deny your own feelings for the boy anymore.

beomgyu's breathe stuttered and he barely thought it through, wrapping his arms around your waist and kissing you again.

he was more enthusiastic this time, his tongue hungrily searching for yours as he lifted you a little off the ground. beomgyu was suprisingly quite strong, so you took the hint and hooked your legs around his hips.

your fingers ran through his hair as your tongue danced with his, your body growing hotter under your hoodie when beomgyu started blindly walking to his bedroom.

he didn't break the kiss until he lowered you onto the bed, only for his lips to start moving down your jaw and under your chin. "i've wanted this for so long, y/n. i've wanted you for so long." he confessed quietly as his body hovered on top of yours.

you let your head fall back against the mattress, arms loosely wrapped around his neck while he sucked a hickey on your neck.

"i know," you breathed out, "and, you can have me now." you indirectly told him exactly what he wanted to hear.

beomgyu paused and brought his head up to look at you again, "all to myself?" he asked—no, pleaded.

god, he was adorable.

"all to yourself, baby." you confirmed and he shivered at the way you called him baby, before he kissed you yet again, like he was addicted to your lips and mouth. all of you.

beomgyu's hands held onto your thighs, keeping them apart so he can grind the bulge in his sweatpants against your jeans. he whimpered against your tongue, a sound that you had grown obsessed with over the last two months.

your hands ran down his sides and grabbed the hem of his sweatshirt, slowly pulling it up and off his body. his lean, impressively toned upperbody was now naked, his chest heaving as he watched the way your eyes ran over his body.

beomgyu's skin heated up as he too reached for the end of your hoodie, "can i fuck you?" he asked in the sweetest way possible as he pulled your hoodie above your head and threw it somewhere on the floor.

he leaned down and kissed between your tits, his mouth against the cleavage peeking through the bra. you sighed softly, clinging onto his hair as he dragged his tongue along the edge of your bra, barely able to answer his question.

"let me fuck you. please, y/n." he pleaded, rubbing his boner against your clothed heat as he unhooked the clasp of your bra so your upperbody was naked as well.

you shuddered underneath him, "i want you to fuck me, beomgyu. stop asking." you exhaled and watched how he planted another hickey on top of your right breast.

beomgyu didn't need you to repeat yourself, his hands immediately working on the buttons of your jeans and impatiently taking them off. your panties followed, and his fingers reached up to rub your clit with practiced familiarity.

he had fingered you before, following every direction you gave him. except, this time, he didn't need your instructions. he pushed his middle finger inside your wet cunt, biting his bottom lip as he felt your walls clench and unclench around it.

you let out a quiet moan, laying your naked body back and letting him continue at his pace. his eyes took in the sight of you, splayed out on his bed, completely naked, with two of his fingers inside you now.

beomgyu was bound to get impartient, pulling his fingers out after a few pumps and standing up. he eagerly tugged at the string of his sweatpants and slid them off his hips with his boxers, before reaching for the bedside drawer for a condom.

he brought the foiled wrapper between his teeth and tore it, wrapping the elastic around the head of his hardened cock and sliding it on.

you watched him intently as he crawled back on top of you, hooking an arm under your thigh and lifting it to make room for himself. his other hand rested on the side of your head, his elbow digging into the bed and he lowered himself on top of you again.

you'd be lying if you said it didn't surprise you, his forwardness. "who taught you that?" you chuckled as he lined his tip against your hole.

beomgyu looked up at you and smiled shyly, his cheeks tinging with a hint of pink. "you. everytime i fantasized about this, this is how i imagined it." he murmured, "am i doing something wrong?" he asked quietly.

you shook your head, finding his innocence so damn cute. one of your hands reached between both of your bodies and wrapped around his thick member. "no, baby. you're doing so well already." you said and stroked his cheek with your thumb, slowly guiding his dick inside you.

beomgyu moaned the moment he felt your warm folds welcome him, with much resistance. "f-fuck, oh god." his voice was like a prayer, burying his head against your neck as he slid his hips foward.

you moaned as well, feeling yourself tighten around his cock as he halted halfway. "you can move, baby." you assured him, and that was all he needed to hear.

he dragged his hips back and pushed in again, this time a little deeper. "beomgyu," you groaned, both your hands now clinging to his shoulders.

beomgyu hummed against your neck, pressing butterfly kisses to distract himself, so he doesn't come right away. "i don't think i'll last at all." he mewled, slowly thrusting his hips again and feeling unbearably shy about his lack of self control.

it was too much for his sensitive self, the feeling of your pussy wrapped so thightly around his very aroused member. he was already leaking.

your lips curled up into a fond smile, loving how weak he was in your hold, like putty. "that's alright. you can cum if it's too much, you don't need to hold back." you coax, running a hand through his hair as his length rubbed up your walls again.

it felt heavenly, despite how slow his thrusts were, they felt so amazing. beomgyu shivered, your words of approval being the cause of his undoing.

he came so hard, the condom almost slipped off his dick. "y/n, fuck." he whined, his body trembling on top of you. he didn't stop there, though, given that he was still half-hard.

beomgyu didn't bother to fix the condom to sit on his cock better, he simply bucked his hips again.

you licked your lips, your chest heaving as he continued fucking you slow. "this feels like a dream," beomgyu panted against your neck, his hips stuttering everything you clench around him.

"you're my dream, y/n." he kissed your neck again, holding himself up on one elbow while the other one took ahold of your hand. his words warmed your heart, to know that he thinks of you that highly.

beomgyu laced his fingers with yours, pressing them down into the mattress as he shoves himself inside you harder. you gasped when his tip slammed into your sweet spot, your entire body shuddering at how good it feels.

he's smart enough to catch onto that, aiming for the same spot again. "does it feel good?" he asks, ever so politely. "tell me it feel good, y/n." he whimpered, desperate to please you.

you nod mindlessly, your stomach starting to twist in pleasure as he slams himself against your sweet spot with every thrust that follows. "yes, baby. you're...doing such a good job." you breathed out shakily, feeling your own climax approaching fast.

your praises only encourage beomgyu, moaning into your hair as he pumps into you repeatedly. "please, cum with me this time, y/n." he whispered, his cock twitching inside you when your walls squeeze around him.

you moaned louder and throw your head back, your orgasm washing you over like a high tide. beomgyu lets out a satisfied sigh, more in relief, as he comes again as well.

the room falls silent for a moment, the only sound being the two of you gasping for air.

"does this mean you'll be my girlfriend now?" beomgyu breaks the silence, his voice tired and heavy.

you can't help the laugh that escapes your lungs at his innocent question. "i am, baby. i'll be your girlfriend." you bring his head up to face you again.

beomgyu smiles sweetly, and so wide, before he leaned down to kiss your lips again. "just mine."

___

(this reminded me of my wattpad days, sheeesh)

[dbmars]

DB Reads Hannibal Rising: Philip Larkin Part II

I have some background in poetry -- I have a BA in English and an MA in similar coursework -- and like any good goth kid, I wrote a lot of angsty poetry in high school. In undergrad, I took a class on Sylvia Plath and Anne Sexton, poets who inhabited similar spaces as wives and mothers in the 1950s and '60s. They both died by suicide, of course, which perpetuates the whole "tortured artist" romanticized image of causing one's own death. 18-year-old me was drawn to that, of course, and depending on how the class was handled, it could have been an irresponsible syllabus to offer young people. But my professor, Tom, was just... wonderful. In a time (2003) when we didn't have a lot of the language we use today to discuss mental health, he did an excellent job handling the topic and giving a middle-aged perspective that brought wisdom instead of perpetuating the narrative built around these poets and their deaths.

Tom taught me so much about poetry and made me feel comfortable speaking up in a class full of strangers. He gave me great feedback on my papers and let me be my weird little self. I took his class on James Agee and he let me do a puppet show version of "Night of the Hunter" for one of the assignments though I honestly cannot remember why I felt I needed to do that. I didn't come here to write about him, but I'm realizing right now, mid-post, that he's a perfect case study for human beings being paradoxically brilliant and kind and inspiring while also being cancel-worthy and gross.

Tom was in his 40s when I had him as a professor in undergrad (2002-2006). Generously, he could have been late 30s and just losing his hair early. He wasn't shy about sharing personal details, and told us he'd been married and divorced already and had kids that I want to say were late high school age, like he got married pretty young. I took Sylvia Plath and Anne Sexton with him, along with the James Agee class and a bunch of other ones -- whatever he was teaching, I was there for it in both undergrad and my MA courses. He had a profound impact on my learning and pretty much taught me how to write literary analysis and pull in philosophical or thinking frameworks and apply them in other arenas, swapping them out like lenses in a microscope. Incredible teacher.

But then, one day on Facebook, probably around 2005-ish, I got a friend request from a girl I went to high school with. She was one year older than me and played in the orchestra -- viola to my violin. And in one of her pictures, there was Tom! They were together together... WITH A BABY!

Consenting adults, yes. And you know I'll defend an age gap fic. But it hits different when it's someone you know in real life. And yes, he'd been her professor, too. And it made me start to wonder about all the encouragement and positive attention he paid me, y'know?

So, DB, how the fuck do you plan to bring this back to Philip Larkin and, eventually (we pray) Hannibal Rising?

Like this -- Philip Larkin wrote some of the best poetry I've ever read. He was also kinda gross. Case in point:

I read all the peritext of his collected poems (of course I did) which didn't give me much for context of his life, but I was fine going in cold. I read The North Ship without googling him, but then I reached a poem that made me wonder if he was gay. So of course I had to check. He was never married, but there was no mention in the few sources I checked about having relationships with men. He had relationships with women that seemed tumultuous and involved affairs etc. No judgment but as I kept reading his poems, I'd catch an odd bit here and there that was hitting me like... "Dude, I don't think this guy likes women. I think he's angry that he's attracted to them and can't control it, and he feels entitled to their attention." Basically, here and there these poems would pop up that screamed INCEL. I haven't done a ton of research to see if there are others who find some of his work misogynistic but that's my take. It kinda sucks because I'd be reading along and vibing so much and then BOOM I'd find lines or whole poems that just gave me the grossest feeling. Oh, and his dad was a Nazi supporter and he adopted some of his father's views later in life from what I understand, despite being an avid jazz fan and writing about and interacting with that community (jazz being invented by Black American musicians).

Examples of misogyny: In "Born Yesterday," Larkin wishes that his friend's new baby girl be ordinary. She'll be happier if she's not ugly nor beautiful nor exceptional. I think this concept pisses me off because it's partially true and it shouldn't be. I know for a fact that when I was a hundred pounds lighter people treated me better. I also had a strikingly beautiful friend in junior high who was preyed upon constantly from age 11 on. But I draw the line at wishing a baby girl to be free of talent and live an unexceptional life. Miss me with that shit. Do not deny her potential for female excellence.

In "The Life With a Hole In It" Larkin describes women chastising him for complaining about his life. "But you've always done what you want / You've always got your own way." Larkin tries to shut that down by describing his midlife crisis and suffering the grind of modern living. Considering when this was written, of course, women think he gets to do whatever he wants. Women were (and are) stuck in limited roles that involve physical and emotional UNPAID labor. To them, yeah, he does get to do whatever he wants. And he probably did. To the man I know who mopes around on the couch because his life didn't turn out the way he thought it would, lamenting his wild, lost youth and feeling trapped by the grind, boo-fucking-hoo. While you're feeling sorry for yourself, your wife is in the other room taking care of the kids, so cry me a river. Yeah... sorry, this is a bit personal.

"Deception" is just egregious. SA warning on that one. Empathizing with a rapist and daring to speak for a victim.

"Wild Oats" is the most incel "why don't women want nice guys" poem of the bunch.

The piece I think really captures the sickening lens through which some men view women is "Sunny Prestatyn," which describes a billboard for a seaside town in Wales with a beautiful woman in a suggestive dress kneeling on the sand by the water. Larkin describes how her image is defaced, a hole stabbed through her mouth, mustache drawn on, covered in graffiti, a cock and balls drawn between her thighs. He says, "She was too good for this world." Here's my read. This was the perfect woman, what men say they want, used to advertise for something, her body a decorative exemplar of misogyny. Flawless and beautiful and fun. And that wasn't enough. They had to degrade and destroy her, too. I feel like this is the experience of being a woman. You can spend all day, every day, making yourself look perfect, to be the ideal, to please those with the power, and it's a scam. Even if you achieve perfection, you still don't "win." You don't win respect or power. You don't get a seat at the table. You become a joke. You are defaced.

Maybe I'm missing some kind of irony here, but I really hate this poem.

...........

So... how do all of my insane ramblings fit together? I swear, I'm bringing it back around to the story of Tom. I do find it shocking and scandalous that my poetry teacher got my high school classmate pregnant, but it doesn't undo the good he did me. Never once did I get a vibe from him like he was being flirty. He was never inappropriate. He was a kind man and a good teacher. He also slept with a student and had a love child. Both of these things exist at the same time in my mind, and I'm okay with that. Maybe that means we should consider public figures the same way in our minds. I can be a Philip Larkin fan and also acknowledge that he was kind of a sonofabitch too. Guarantee there are people out there that I encounter on the daily that are like, "Yeah, I do love DB, but sometimes she's just way too much/intense/annoying/adhd." Because we are shades-of-gray real people. Even celebrities, even poets.

......

Philip Larkin died on December 2nd, 1985, the same day I turned two years old. He was an incredible poet.

His poems are, much like the axe piece, bleak. There's a lot of bitterness there, but also this clear and uncompromising lens that calls out the world's bullshit without flinching. I appreciate that, and I like it especially in The North Ship, because young people (including myself) often go through a "jaded" phase where they leave childhood and start to realize what a fucked up place the world is. While as a middle-aged lady, I do think it's funny when young folks write or behave like they're the first ones to figure this out, I also know that it's a powerful era of one's life, this disenchantment. And just because a young person feels something strongly does not give us the right to gaslight them. Remember that first breakup in 8th grade? It hurt so much because it was the first time it'd happened. As you age, you develop some comparable experiences and scar tissue. We can't tell kids to "get over it, nobody will remember who you dated in 8th grade." It hurts because it's the first time! They have nothing to compare it to. Gaslighting them just ensures they're never going to confide in you again.

But Philip never really leaves that jaded-youth-Catcher-in-the-Rye-everyone's-a-phony phase. The back of the book of Larkin's collected poems has a quote from Donald Hall of The New Criterion. It reads, "Larkin is resolute, forthright, witty, and gloomy. This is the man who famously said that deprivation was for him what daffodils were for Wordsworth. Yet surely the results of this life, in the shape of his poems, are gifts, not despirations."

They are gifts. Here are some of my favorites. I put the pictures in a folder on my computer called "He Gets It."

There is beauty in the gloom -- if you're a fannibal, you're well aware. And maybe I'm just a Midwestern mom who has survived many things through relentless optimism and Iowa Niceness, but all this wallowing Philip does in what he should have had or should have done, his status as a lonely outsider looking in, of calling the phonies on their shit, gets tiresome after 200 pages. This is his life's work, and the vibe throughout is just so... bitter and lonely. And while it was understandable at age 20, when you spin that thread from 1943-1974 it's like... dude.

But! At the very back of the book, after the four official collections, I found a section of unpublished or random poems that never made it into a curated grouping. To me, it says that in the end, Larkin understood what life was really about, a ray of empathy melting the snow of his bitterness.

The axe poem works so perfectly for kicking off Hannibal Rising (as I explained in a previous post), but I'm curious how much of Larkin's vibe will be evident in Harris' work, which, I'm also aware, is notoriously problematic as well. See kids, this is why you read the peritext. This is why we deep dive! Now I can read the rest of Hannibal Rising through the lens of "the guy who wrote this was a Philly Larkin fan -- does he see the world the same way, or was he just looking for a poem with an axe in it?"

How Would Hannigram Read Philip Larkin?

I think objectively, Hannibal would admit that the man has a way with words. I also think he would psychoanalyze Philip, and note that he feels entitled to the attentions of women and is bitter and angry about being rebuffed or not finding the relationships he sees everyone else having and thinks he wants or is due. Hannibal might note that Larkin's outsider status as a poet and thinker in the oppressive atmosphere of the midcentury also added to his jaded views. He would note that the man has a uniquely skillful way of expressing these experiences with words that trap the reader like barren winter branches. But Hannibal prefers to think of life as more multi-faceted; he doesn't fear death, and is free to enjoy all the art and beauty and horror the world has to offer.

Will would absolutely vibe with Larkin in many ways. I hate to think of my boy feeling angry towards women for not getting the attention he felt he was owed, for being cast into a "nice guy friend zone" or something, but when he was younger, that might've been the case. Will is an outsider, hovering on the fringes, his empathy making it uncomfortable to be too entrenched in society. Knowing everyone's intentions through the empathy pulse and understanding how selfish most people are makes him withdraw and, like Larkin, bitterly wonder what other people have that allows them to be seemingly happy. What's wrong with me that I can't have what they have?

Or, Will's able to read the normies like a library book and realize how phony and futile a normal life really is. A cookie-cutter existence to both disdain and long for. There's a sorrow in realizing you're not destined for a wife, 2.5 kids, and a picket fence. But from those ashes could rise something new in a phoenix-like blaze -- freedom. Knowing that you can pursue what really makes you happy and fulfilled without feeling like you're missing out on something that isn't all that great to begin with, or that you're not suited for. Accepting that one is "not normal" is a kind of grief, and has to be dealt with in stages. It's not something you get over, but as time goes on, it takes up less space.

Here are the most Hannigram Philip Larkin poems:

Who wants a spoiler for Melopmene's Sword?

The North Ship was published in 1945. Which means Will Graham, living in Paris in 1954, could have a copy on his bookshelf in the bedroom he shares with Hannibal.

If you made it to the end, I love you! I know this was LONG and rambly.

Love, DB

[musicalmoritz]

this gonna be a weird question but ever since i have know Aoinene. I have always found a consistent theme of Aoi being a lesbian. While it cool, interesting and all, it hard to found anything canonically to use to prove the interpretation beyond "it just a vibe" . It doesnt interfer with the shipping experience but it still an interesting HC that i would love to found some canon material to build on.

I’m so glad you asked this, I’ve been trying to find a way to talk about my feelings on the lesbian Aoi headcanon for a while now. I’ve written it in my own fics a lot but I have some issues with the way people treat it so I’d like to make this a more nuanced discussion

First off, where does it come from? To answer that question you have to keep in mind that as the manga chapters were being released, fans had no idea where AidaIro planned to go with Aoi and Akane’s relationship beyond what they could infer. While it seems obvious in hindsight that Aoi always liked Akane, a lot of lesbian readers overlooked those hints because they were able to relate to being pursued by a relentless man that they didn’t want. They found comfort in Aoi’s character because her perceived disinterest in Akane was something they could connect to their own experiences with their male best friends falling for them

Then we have this scene, which is a whole rollercoaster in and of itself. At this point in the manga, fans didn’t know Aoi was faking her personality. She only existed as Nene’s popular best friend, the girl with the rumors. And, of course, the girl who kept rejecting Akane. Aoi and Nene seemed to have a very close friendship, so when this scene came out, many readers jumped to the conclusion that Aoi planned to confess to Nene. This, coupled with her constant rejection of Akane, led many fans to believe Aoi was a lesbian. Not just as a cool headcanon, but as an actual theory. To this day some fans still call her queercoded, and that’s where I have a bit of an issue with the headcanon

Because, despite all of this, Aoi isn’t a lesbian in canon. She’s not even coded to be one. In fact her and Akane’s characters aren’t able to develop without each other. Some fans chalk this up to bad writing or lesbiphobia, stating that Aoi never showed interest in Akane up until chapter 69, but this simply isn’t true. There were numerous hints that Aoi liked Akane back, since his feelings for her were first introduced. She’s shown to be absolutely devastated at the possibility of him dating someone else, and in the Clock Keepers arc we see that she’s been encouraging his pursuit of her this whole time. Fans may not like them, but it’s impossible to deny they’ve been set up since the beginning of the manga- on both sides

However, if you were to call Aoi sapphic coded/bi coded in canon, you wouldn’t be far off. In the Hanako-Kun Of Magic au, Mei fell in love with Aoi through a spell. After the spell wore off, they were confirmed to still hang out. They hang out so frequently, that it makes Mei’s little sister jealous because Aoi is stealing all her attention

It wouldn’t be a reach to assume they’re dating in this au, which would make Aoi bi or bi-coded in canon (though it’s very up to interpretation so I wouldn’t say she’s as strongly bi-coded as Kou or even Nene). It rubs me the wrong way when people discuss her potential queercoding and entirely ignore her feelings for Akane just because they don’t like the ship, it feels biphobic. It’s also been implied that Aoi has liked men (or people in general) other than Akane, he joins school clubs based on whoever her current type is

Canon aside though, I’d like to talk about why people like the lesbian Aoi headcanon. Namely, why I still like it in fanon despite feeling that it has a very weak basis in canon. Because for some fans, Aoi’s true personality reveal only made their love of the lesbian Aoi headcanon stronger

Remember how I said fans overlooked Aoi’s feelings for Akane because they projected onto her? I don’t think there’s anything inherently wrong with that as long as they aren’t bringing their bias into analyses. I’ve read many Aoi queercoding analyses where the creator completely ignores Aoi’s attraction to men in canon due to their own projection, and I hate to say it but that is a bad way to analyze. I’ve mentioned before that I strongly relate to Nene’s shallow crushes on men because they remind me of my own experiences with comphet, but I would never call Nene lesbian coded because that would ignore her entire arc with Hanako. Project onto characters all you want but leave that out of your analyses

Anyways, the reveal that Aoi had been faking her personality only gave the lesbian Aoi headcanon more fuel. At this point in the manga, fans were already fully convinced that Aoi was a lesbian…so to find out the pretty popular girl was hiding her true self from the world?? I mean that sounds queercoded as hell. And I won’t lie, I relate to that a lot too. The need to hide who you really are is a nearly universal queer experience, so pretty much any character that has that storyline is going to hit home for a lot of queer readers. That same trope also plays into Mitsuba’s queercoding, so yeah. Despite all the romance stuff with Akane that happened in those chapters, the big takeaway for lesbian Aoi truthers was that Aoi had been hiding a part of herself that the world would shame her for

This is furthered by her relationship with femininity. Aoi plays the role of the ideal popular girl, a common archetype in media. These girls are feminine, passive, kind, humble, and all the boys love them. That is the image Aoi presents to the rest of the school. However, the real Aoi is nothing like that. I wouldn’t go as far as to call her masculine, but she doesn’t act like the poster child for femininity when she’s being her true self. She’s bitter, arrogant, spiteful, and she only really cares about two people. Lesbians tend to have a very complicated relationship with femininity, because heteronormativity asserts that the defining trait of being a woman is your relationship to a man. As a woman, you are someone’s wife, daughter, mother, sister. So when a woman has no interest in men, she loses a core part of her “femininity.” Some lesbians choose to embrace this, they have no interest in femininity so they perform whatever gender presentation they want. Other lesbians reclaim femininity as something defined by themselves, not society. So when lesbians see a character faking her personality to conform to the societal expectations for her gender…oops she’s one of us now lol. This is also why the transmasc Aoi headcanon is popular, though I won’t be getting into that today

There are more simplistic reasons people like the lesbian Aoi headcanon. It fits a trope, the popular girl who’s pressured to be perfect is secretly a lesbian. Then she falls for her fun and quirky bisexual best friend. Unfortunately this is where the headcanon gets very boiled down, people want Aoi to be something that she’s not in canon. They want her to be a trope rather than her own, unique character. The aesthetic girlboss lesbian. She hates Akane and has a huge crush on Nene, maybe some mommy issues and that’s all there is to her. I don’t like these type of headcanons very much, they reduce queerness to an aesthetic rather than an experience. As I mentioned, the lesbian Aoi headcanon does have potential for fanon content, but some fans sadly reduce it to a stereotype

I’ve written both bisexual and lesbian Aoi, and I think they both have their perks. Lesbian Aoi requires a bit of stretching/rewriting of canon, which can be fun but it has to be handled very carefully. Otherwise you get fics that villainize Akane and ignore Aoi and Nene’s complexities. It’s perfectly fine to project onto a character and headcanon them a certain way for comfort, but in terms of characterization I would recommend people try to look past those biases when they’re writing analyses. Fanfic is a bit different bcuz that depends on whether or not you’re trying to stay in character lol, this might be controversial but some writers just don’t care and that’s fine too. They’re just writing it for fun, it doesn’t have to be that serious. Still, I would like to see more fics that keep Aoi and Nene closer to canon (they absolutely exist dw)

The reason I hesitated for so long to address this headcanon is because I wanted to find a way to talk about it sensitively. Queer fans, especially lesbians, already get a lot of flack for their headcanons and I didn’t want to make it seem like I was invalidating anyone’s experiences. If the lesbian Aoi headcanon brings you comfort then, yes, Aoi can absolutely be a lesbian. Fandom is about fan enjoyment, not authorial intent, so headcanon the characters however you want. Just don’t push those headcanons into others, and try to at least be aware of what’s going on in canon. And again, don’t write an analysis if you’re going to be biased. A better way to do it would be something like “I recognize that AidaIro didn’t go this route but it would’ve been interesting if they made Aoi a lesbian.” An analysis like that might have some weight to it!! Aoi and Akane are a super cute ship, but another straight relationship is nothing revolutionary in fiction. However, canon lesbians in a shonen series?? That’s something you don’t see every day. People have valid reasons for wishing Aoi had been written differently, I just wish they would accept that she didn’t get written that way rather than ignoring canon

Sorry if this isn’t what you were expecting, I hope I explained all sides of the headcanon well enough. Tbh a lot of it is just “vibes” but once you look past the surface, it goes a lot deeper. I also want to clarify that Aoi faking her personality reading as queercoding could absolutely work with her being bi too, bisexuals also have to hide a part of themselves and that’s something other lgbtq+ individuals often overlook. The reason it reads specifically as lesbian coding to some fans is because of her projection of femininity being fake so, by extension, her encouragement of the men who pursue her must be too. That’s obviously not canon but some fans believe it would’ve been a cool route to go. Okay that’s it I think I covered everything lol

Thanks again for the ask, I’m glad I finally got the opportunity to talk abt this <3

[aliens-took-my-iwa-chan]

alien!!! about that ship ask game!! thoughts on lanyde :D (i know it's. basically canon. but still!! i wanna hear your specific thoughts on them)

oooo yay!!! (no worries! theres still a lot of things to be said about canon ships haha)

Ship it! (but only in TGS) (I’ll probably only talk about TGS in this ask, but if you want to see my feelings on why I don’t ship it in J&H, feel free to say so/send another ask/reblog lololol)

1. What made you ship it?

Oh gosh I’m not sure I have a good answer for this. I mean. The source material certainly helped xD specifically the scene where Lanyon and Hyde meet for the very first time at Lucy’s, *chefs kiss* That scene had an amazing dynamic and theres was a *lot* to it. Like, more than “oh no he’s hot”, though that was funny to see. Then my love for Lanyde likely developed even more through 1. fan content 2. discussions with friends and 3. writing those characters. interacting with the material intensified my feelings about Lanyde to the point where it’s my favorite ship in TGS xD Though I don’t usually write ship fics, exploring their dynamic is really interesting and only serves to make me like them more haha

2. What are your favorite things about the ship?

Oh gosh. Oh gosh golly. Okay. So. My favorite things about the ship. So Hyde is pretty much an embodiment of Jekyll’s repression, including the many complicated feelings he has about Lanyon. Hyde is also first and foremost driven by emotion. This makes any scene where Lanyon and Hyde interact SO INTERESTING!!! Not only is Hyde attracted to Lanyon to a fault, but he has WAYY more feelings surrounding him and their relationship than just pining. When he spoke to Lanyon at Lucy’s place, the switch from flirting to anger was so so so good and I love it!! It’s so much more interesting than a ship that’s all sunshine and rainbows imo. And then there’s Lanyon. He had his heart set on hating Hyde from the very beginning, and when they meet, he is, frankly, disgusted by him. He thinks that Hyde is bad for Jekyll (can’t blame him for that) and openly insults him to Jekyll’s face many a time. This creates even more feelings of conflict on Jekyll/Hyde’s end and gives Lanyon a NASTY shock when he discovers that the person he has been hating on to his best friend’s face is actually said best friend. This makes me like the ship so much more because it’s interesting! It’s raw! It’s not all nice and neat like so many canon ships! Lastly (this is all I’ll say because wow this is getting too long) I think Hyde is both a wonderful and terrible influence on Lanyon. In the modern day, Hyde would probably be good for getting Lanyon out there, getting him passionate about stuff, making him take risks. This is really well written in @quilna ‘s fic Lying is a Love Language (by this I mean, the dynamic is written really well,, it’s still set in the Victorian era haha). However, in the Victorian era, this is maybe not the best thing? Because it’s bad for reputation and (if his sexuality gets discovered) could possibly lead to incarceration. So it’s complicated. And I love that.

3. Is there an unpopular opinion you have on your ship?

Yeahh haha- So I am well aware that Jekyll and Hyde are the same guy, but this opinion of mine still stands. I like Lanyde a whole lot more than I like Jekyon. I like Lanyde for all the reasons above and more, and Jekyon… I guess I’m not a huge fan of their dynamic? It’s really weird to say because your honor that’s the same man but I think Jekyll is a Lanyon-enabler. “oh you want to talk to me about your dad right after I passed out on stage in front of everyone and I’m currently under the impression that my life’s work is ruined? Okay ٩( ᐛ )و “ like. what. I don’t think Hyde would let that slide xD I think Hyde and Lanyon are a great match for growing together while I’m not sure I see any growth happening between Jekyll and Lanyon. usually I wouldn’t put a comparison of ships together in the unpopular opinion section but I feel like it fits because. once again. that’s the same guy xD

thanks for the ask!! sorry this is so long, also it’s early so I hope I said *something* substantial in this essay xD

[irregularcollapse]

I literally just found out that you’re a lesbian and I was a little surprised but now I have to gush about your writing because of it. I was telling my partner about Even In Another Time and how it’s practically one of the best romances I’ve ever read because it actually feels romantic, but I could never really put my finger on the difference between it and frequently recommended romance novels. I think it’s because you write about men and male characters like they’re genuinely attractive and beautiful while having very masculine traits, and as a lesbian it really makes the whole fic so much better. Laurent’s love for Damen is so much more real and they seem more like equals in their relationship because of them being attracted to all of each other. The emphasis put on Damen’s physical appearance but also his nature and his love for the people around him made it an insanely good reading experience. I thought about it for days, no joke.

Anyway, hope this wasn’t weird.

this ask and your tags on the library post did give me a bit of a chuckle, i can't lie, but thank you so much for sending this. i wanted to think carefully about a response, and i know you haven't really asked a question, but you've said some incredibly flattering, really kind things and i think it warrants some acknowledgement!!

i'm having a really rough time with writing confidence lately, despite like... writing degrees and literal decades of considered work on my craft (excepting the few years where i couldn't write due to my health) which i only mention because it's so funny how i can still have my confidence shaken when i've been previously pretty happy just sticking to my own thing and experimenting for fun and self-critiquing. so it's just really nice, in the place i'm at right now, to have someone like yourself come forward and share that you've recognised the effort i put into my work.

the slightly jokey response to your curiosity is that even when i'm writing queer men, spiritually i'm writing dykes. i think there's more shared in queerness than there are things which separate us, and queer masculinity is always beautiful to me in any iteration, so maybe that's what you see in my writing. queer femininity is as well, and hopefully you see some of that too.

the other thing is always my goal with writing romance generally, which is that it needs to be abundantly clear to the reader why these two people love each other. i know in fic it's sort of a given, because there's already investment in the characters from the reader and everyone is sort of bringing their preexisting expectations of the characters/ship to their reading, but i personally don't like to write fic with any presumptions. the love needs to be clear on both sides or it just doesn't work - and yes, this is absolutely about equality of attraction as well. i think equality in a relationship is the sexiest thing you can write into a romance, because it means that balance of power is malleable and can shift back and forth. fixed binaries are rarely sexy to me, and there are just so many ways that power and trust can be passed back and forth between a couple. that feels more truthfully queer to me, personally.

i think, when it comes to writing attraction that i don't necessarily personally have... well, i like the characters, and i respect them, and i don't think there's much that separates attraction anyway. but also, i wouldn't be doing my job as a writer if i didn't have respect for the attraction and the drive to inhabit the character rather than imposing my own perceptions onto them, you know? this is sort of connected to a lot of threads in my head, including wider fandom's reluctance to write women experiencing pleasure, and people being so damn bold about effectively saying they want women removed from these stories entirely, and the frequent portrayal of women as a threat to queer men, but that's all technically a different discussion and sort of a long bow. i get that some people are young and/or haven't worked through their internalised misogyny yet, but i don't think i could write queer men in a way that apparently achieves my goals and resonates if i didn't love and respect women so much. there's more i could say about that, but this is already very long and nonsensical.

anyway, thanks heaps for sending this <3 you're very kind, and a treasure, and it cheered me a lot and gave me much to think about!

[rockinlibrarian]

Post-Umbrella Academy S4 Reaction Part One: Reacting More to the Fandom than the Show (only vaguely spoilery)

I would like to state for the record that I enjoyed The Umbrella Academy Season Four. I had plenty of issues— things that weren’t to my taste, abandoned or neglected plot or character threads, plot contrivances and wasted opportunities— and I wasn’t satisfied with the ending AT ALL (it COULD have worked if done…completely differently?)—but I enjoyed myself, minus the downer at the very end (and I mean VERY end, I was hoping for more post-credit redemption than we got, and that could’ve fixed it for me). It’s like that post I reblogged this morning goes— there’s enjoyment, there’s in-universe sense, and there’s art-of-storytelling sense, and they can all stand separately.

I’d love to chew over the stupid bits and gush over the brilliant bits, but it’s kind of hard right now, because so much of the reactions online are not, well, objectively balanced discussions? People’s issues erased any of the enjoyment, and now the whole thing is trash and I think we all agree this never happened.

I’m not writing this post to call anyone out for that. All our reactions are valid. It just feels like the angry voices drown out the other voices, and it’s made me uncomfortable, and that is ALSO a valid reaction to have, so I just want to put my voice out there, too.

The weird thing about me and The Umbrella Academy is that this is the first fandom where I’ve ever been more invested in fanworks of it than in the original show (and in the comics, not at all. Though I still want to see Viktor and Diego start a punk band). So I think that’s why I’m not Ragey. I wouldn’t say I COMPLETELY didn’t care what happened in the show, but I know that there’s a thousand other AUs of it out there ALREADY. So I honestly went into it almost as if reading a fic of it. In fics there are inevitably interpretations I don’t agree with, ships I don’t care for, things I would have done differently, but the writer loves the same characters as me so let’s see where they go.

And then I leave a comment about all the positives. “Oh, I love what you’ve done with Viktor!” (I won’t MENTION that I think you should have let him get back into music and spend a LOT more time with Five, because it’s not my story, and hey, you have done some LOVELY, thoughtful things with one of the characters that is dearest to me so let me tell you that in this comment!) “I’m REALLY enjoying your Allison-and-Klaus partnership, we don’t see enough of that but it’s so obvious in retrospect that they should be friends. They probably bonded over fashion as children when Viktor was like ‘Sorry Allison you know I REALLY DO want to be friends with you but I JUST DON’T GET IT’.” (I am thinking about how you never really resolved the huge emotional thread between Allison and Viktor in your last chapter, but that’s not what we’re talking about here). “This is admittedly not my ship, but you’ve successfully captured my own beliefs about HOW this character would behave in this situation” (shouting out to @stephsageek for that one, who did it, and did it well, before canon even thought to attempt to. ;) ) I could write lots more in my theoretical Comment on “Season Four of the Umbrella Academy” on AO3, but I don’t want to be too spoilery in this post and I’m just being metaphorical.

Honestly, I’m more upset now after a day of discourse than I was about the ending, and I think it’s because I’m afraid of people rage-abandoning the fandom. Because Legion, the show that started me on Seriously Writing Fanfic, was a mess after season 1. I personally didn’t enjoy MOST of season 2, but I DID enjoy season 3 even though so much of it made no sense, and I can rant about it (Legion did a variation on the same terrible ending as TUA, actually! I have to say that the emotional beats were handled better, but the plot itself was way way stupider). But I didn’t start writing fic until after the dreaded (but not without redeeming qualities) season 2, when quite a lot of people had given up on the show. I’ve written fix-its, mostly ones that embellish on the canon of the later seasons, fixing it without actually throwing it away. I’ve been playing in the whole sandbox for six years now, and “Magic Man of Oz” uses like every grain of sand in it, and it’s my favorite fic I’ve ever written, and I am genuinely sad about all the people who rage-quit that show so will never read it. I am mostly sad that the person who got me on AO3 to begin with abandoned the Legion fandom the moment they finished their epic How Season Two Should Have Ended fic (or before— pretty sure the last few chapters were written with gritted teeth determination to just be Done with the whole thing) and so THEY never read “Magic Man of Oz.” And they were my biggest cheerleader when I started posting fanfic! Honestly, is this whole paragraph just me freaking out about TUA fandom just because not enough people read a fic of mine from a different fandom that was fairly cult to begin with? It might be. Sorry. I apparently have issues?

(That first sentence is really the thesis statement of this post now. The moment I wrote it, I reread it and said, "Oh. THAT'S what's happening with me, isn't it?" My 11th grade research writing teacher is yelling at me in my head to move the dang thesis statement to earlier in this essay, but too bad, this is Tumblr).

I can’t help comparing Legion and TUA, not least because the latter only got bumped up my watch list by someone describing it as “Legion-Lite”— and it really is, in so many ways! But they’re also my top two most-written-for fandoms, and I’ve been toying with a crossover or two— which I feel even more compelled to write now, because it’s post-canon for both shows (even though both shows claim there IS no post-canon— I have found the way!) And it honestly helped ME emotionally to accept the end of TUA when I could immediately say, “OH, well actually, that flows right INTO how I was already going to start working-title A Legion of Umbrellas!” I originally started this paragraph in parenthesis because it seemed like an aside, but it’s really not, because all I’m saying is fanfic flows eternal! and so forth.

So, hi, out there. Just letting out my feelings and hoping someone out there feels the same way (maybe not about Legion— I keep TRYING, but can’t find any takers), and I may still write a more detailed and spoilery reaction post to the show ITSELF, but I had to get this off my chest first.

[sky-is-the-limit]

I like König purely becuase tall masked man but Gaz. Our man Gaz. He's beautiful. He's committed to what he believes in and he delivers some good one liners. In my eyes it's the same shit different fandom. Whenever a popular piece of media gains traction the only poc characters mysteriously disappear. I want to make it clear to the finicky people of fandoms you don't have to read or write or draw characters you don't like.That being said a discussion needs to be had about how fandoms often treat poc characters. To see people replace the main character with someone not even evolved in the main campaign is mind boggling. "But I don't know Gaz well enough" then you don't know Price well enough seeing as they're with each other most of the campaign. "But the actors sexuality" let me tell yall now how yall don't care. There's plenty of actors whose characters you write for are married with whole ass families or of a different sexuality and you still write their characters ignoring those facts. Yall didn't care before and yall dont care now don't try and act like you have some sort of upper ground. If you're not attracted to Gaz that's fine no one is forcing you to be. But completely writing out his character or not including him in TF 141 edits is mad. There's plenty of fics I've read where Gaz is not the main love interest but more of a friend/brotherly figure but at least he is there and the writer does his character justice. But I will say the Gaz fics are some of the fluffiest ones I've read. Real heart warming stuff.

AMEN. I also thirst after König because he's a big masked man, I devour all the smut content and the edits, I'm as thirsty as the next hoe in this place, there's nothing wrong with thirsting after König or Keegan or whoever else. There's also nothing wrong with NOT thirsting after Gaz, like no one is forcing someone to like a character they don't, that's just stupid. Also if you haven't played the games because you don't have access to do so or even don't want to that's totally valid and fine, many people read the wikis/watch vids/engage with the fandom and that's really cool to see, even if you're just here to thirst, been there done that.

With that being said, the stupid excuses that raise concern in this fandom are totally valid to be talked about. 1) "I'm not attracted to Gaz/I don't add him in 141 thirst content because Elliot is gay" What does the actor's sexuality have to do with the character? As far as I know Gaz' sexuality is nowhere discussed or confirmed, same way for the rest of the characters so why on earth does Elliot's sexuality matter in this context?

I don't see this being a big deal to people who ship Ghost x Soap since Neil and Samuel are only involved with women irl because guess what? It.doesn't.matter. They're ACTORS. Their personal lives have nothing to do with the characters they portray so why is it only an issue when it comes to Gaz/Elliot?

2) "I don't know him well enough." From that it's clear that you haven't played the games cause Gaz is literally who you play as in both MW1/MW2 so you know him as much as Price and MORE than Ghost or Soap. Which again, it's totally fine but when it's paired with König who you literally don't know cause that mf has only 1 paragraph on his wiki and the only thing said about him is that he had anxiety growing up (that some people infantilize and it's weird) in freaking 141 content that he has NOTHING to do with but leave out the first member of TF141 then...?

I've had many people under my posts commenting that the way some people treat Gaz in this fandom feels kinda racist and I admit this was not my initial thought due to me being privileged enough to not have it as such but after reading all these comments it does seem that way for some (like I said many do it due to either thirsting after masked men or haven't played/bothered with the games) and it's not fucking okay cause that goes further than fiction (someone said that 'oh they're fictional, they don't care if they're included or not' yeah Emily but you're excluding a 141 member from 141 content who happens to be a poc and his VA/FA is a gay man so let's talk about it.)

To the people who get annoyed/upset that I talk about this as if I don't have the right to, if you're in a fandom you can talk about the things you don't like/criticise certain behaviour without it being "such a big deal" since we're talking about fictional characters, when people are engaging with a fandom, spend hours reading/watching/playing content, they're also allowed to talk about things they don't like in said fandom. Relax.

Anyway, stan Kyle 'Gaz' Garrick cause he's the coolest mf in MW ✌️

[canonically47]

evil version of that previous anon: and what were your LEAST favorite parts of each of those seasons?

sorry i got to this so late! buuut

total drama

season 1: leshawna's elimination. just... utter bullshit. closely followed by geoff's. also utter bullshit. in fact heather's whole plot armor was meh

season 2: sorry guys but courtney's entire arc. i can't stand her in TDA. she's meh to okay at best in TDI and fine until the gwuncan stuff in TDWT, after that i just can't even. she's so annoying sorry <//3

season 3: EZEKIEL'S MUTANT ARC COME ONNN MY MAN DESERVES BETTER LET HIM BE HAPPY FUCK YOU

season 4: the all-men finale. we should've gotten a zoey vs cameron finale. boo

season 5: the fact that it exists. i have so many problems with it, it's hard to narrow it down to just one single part i hated most, but there is one! i hated how every character was dumbed down. heather just telling alejandro she had the idol. alejandro just telling mal he had proof he was evil. many eliminations. the fact that the final five was... well, that. but most, i hated mal's arc and how mike was 'cured' of DID by pressing a button. i won't speak much on it since it's nowhere near my expertise nor business as a singlet but i would imagine that is. not how it fucking works. at all and just such a sad sterotyped thing to add an eViL alter to the poor guy just to give him more substance. plus i've discussed this with a mutual before but mal just feels like max taken seriously by the narrative. yeah i hate this season there's a reason it gets trampled in my fic

season 6: there was so much potential for max to be a hero and stand up to scarlett. like. so much. i love him he deserved better. that's not the worst tho and if you're new here let me tell you I FUCKING HATE DAVE. OKAY. i have a BIG issue with that guy which is half because he reminds me of some asshole i know irl and half because he just fucking sucks. i don't get any dave ship, any dave love, anything at all. there is nothing to like about him. he is genuinely one of the very few total drama characters that i can't even make up the substance he lacks. just. fuck dave

season 7 (RR): the daters and best friends fell so flat for me in different ways. the daters were just so annoying and i couldn't have been happier at their elimination. the best friends just felt so forced to me. i mean i'm also a romance-repulsed(-ish, not always, it's complicated) aromantic but oh my goddd... they dragged on for sooo loooongggggggg

season 8: the jurasic fart episode. also how chase treated emma. again fuck these allos /j

season 9: PRILEB. OKAY LISTEN. i fucking LOVE prileb BUT i also fucking HATEEE them. they could've been so good if priya was just eliminated earlier. caleb could've had more to him than priya's misunderstood boyfriend, he could've made alliances and friends, but noooo just give him an entire miscommunication arc FUCK YOU yeah prileb could've been so good if it was good (total drama catchphrase)

disventure camp

season 1: fiore's betrayal to alec felt like terrible writing to me and i'll still stand by that. a character like fiore needs more than one side and alec was that other, softer, caring side. and they threw it all away for shock value! <//3 i really hope these two make up :( i miss them so much. oh also the downfall of tomjake like what the fuck happened oh my

season 2: some challenges were... creepy and weird to say the least. spin the wheel to see who to kiss? my aro ass could never. and when kristal indirectly outed aiden during the dares challenge? like, this yo host? trevor would never <3

season 3: whatever the fuck riya and connor, as well as tom and jake, as well as ally and hunter, as well as- FUCK IT WHATEVER THE FUCK THE COUPLES HAVE GOING ON. YES ALL OF THEM EXcept gabellie. keep going my loves you're doing great

[pepsiiwho]

Oh, you KNOW I was made for the hate wins ask game. Could I get uhhhhhhhhhhhh 1, 5, 6, 7 & 16, please? <3 I would ask you more, but I feel like that's excessive, and I need to get to work now. Okay, love u, bye, see you when I get home <333

sigh. Don't touch me.

I don't have a single fandom I'm known for or particularly attached to right now, so ill just jump around as i feel.

THE CHARACTER EVERYONE GETS WRONG

I am self appointed idiot who makes every character i get my grubby little hands on ooc. Because of this, I can't say for sure that any characterization I see of my faves is objectively WRONG because my own ideal version of them is surely not right. Now, having been an adult and saying all this I can say with the utmost confidence this award must go to Claude Von Riegan [FE3H] just by virtue of how he's probably one of the more popular characters i adore and as such gets the brunt of the bullshit.

I hate when people write him as this flirty, overly charming guy. Claude cannot flirt his way out of a clear bag and he is paranoid as shit. He isn't seducing your white prince and dragging him down to the dark (ha) side. He also doesn't strike me as someone who's deeply curious about other house's gossip because he actually cares. Claude stays in the know because not knowing is a blind-spot he can't allow himself to have. Screams. its whatever.

5. WORST DISCORD SERVER AND WHY

Worst discord I was ever in ... hard toss up between the ye-olden HQ discord servers or the one dmcl one I was in? Surprisingly, as far as I experienced it, both had very nice people in it on the whole. But the sad truth is too many cooks in the kitchen fucks up the simple soup-- which is to say, having so many other fans with different [WRONG] interpretations was annoying.

I can't deal with not having complete control or like, a general understanding with the people around me in fandom discussions so these servers were just, by their own nature, places I was never meant to be in. [Spits] What do you mean CLAUDE would wanna join the BL class. Go to hell.

6. WHICH SHIP FANS ARE THE MOST ANNOYING? WHY?

Short answer? sylvix. Long answer? Regardless of the fandom, the fans of the biggest most accepted ship [canon or otherwise] will always be the loudest and most annoying imo.

When you've never had to work for your food you get comfortable fast and complain more. Its a natural byproduct of being lucky enough to deeply enjoy the lowest common denominator. In most cases, regardless of fandom-- whatever reigns supreme brings the biggest headaches with it. But If this is still too general then... mmm.. people who ship objectively canon ships because their imaginations can be too small and they'll find rare-pairs odd, weird or even stupid to be into. Many a time I've had someone tell me "they've never even spoken tho.." as if that was a needed component of every ship. They're tiresome people with tiresome arguments. But it's whatever <- she is the most annoying bitch alive.

7. WHICH CHARACTER DID FANON RUIN FOR YOU?

This one is really interesting honestly. I'm usually pretty ambivalent about anyone that isn't in the blorbo pile or the poison pit.... but.... maybe Dedue or Ferdinand? Dedue because f3h fans racism and Ferdinand because he was always someone shipped with Hubert and little else. I think its sad, both ,men have so much going for them too. I'll put Tsukishima on this list as well because he was my number one and ruined by fandom. Actually no put like 90% of the HQ cast here actually hq Fandom sucks ass and ruins every cool guy. it's a bitch.

16. YOU CAN'T UNDERSTAND WHY SO MANY PEOPLE LIKE THIS THING

God. I'm such a hater.,... this could really go on forever... Okay, I swat at the hornets nest for this one. fics over 100k. 9 times out of ten, they're not good. Quantity/=/ Quality. Usually most of the word count is just used for shit you didn't even come to the story for. That's fine, I respect any writer who can even make that much of ANYTHING, but people who can read it (and more so ACTIVELY search for it) are odd to me.

I've been worrying on this for a few days and mellowed out since I started so nothing is tooo grating or bitchy here. Look guys I'm kind and sweet forever. Enjoy. Huzzah.

[le-scenariste]

13, 14, 18, 19, 38 🥸 (sorry if some have been answered whoops)

13) Favourite ship and why?

HMMMMMM I WONDER (it's PatCap). God I fucking love those two and the kinda rivals (to lovers) thing they got going on. And the way they show different forms of leadership. They're the same but they're different and AAAAAAAAAA

14) Least favourite ship and why? (Please be nice though!)

I think Kitty/Thomas. If Kitty wasn't portrayed as childish and kinda naive and shit then I wouldn't care but idk...always just kinda seems off to me. (and also CapVers but mainly cuz it's overrated) Like...I know Kitty isn't an actual child but idk. It very lowkey gives me same vibez as "WeLl TecHnIcAlLy tHeY'Re 3000 yEars OlD". Yeah she is an adult but just...idk it just kinda weirds me out a bit. Maybe it's a me problem but

18) What is your favourite Ghosts fanfiction?

okay so this is really hard because on one hand Seb you're fuckin amazing but on the other...you know what you did. BUT OOT IS SO GOOD EVEN THO AAAAAAAAA. But also @ghosts-of-love holy fuck you're writing is amazing and I adore (aha) your fics. I can't choose AAAAAAAAAAAAA. But Out Of Touch by @stop-saying-tootsie and Adored, LtF and TQATD are definitely the top of the list. Also, if you haven't read this PLEASE DO. I promise you nothing bad happens in Out Of Touch. OOT is filled with joy and whimsy :) there is no sarcasm in this at all (btw just to clarify, yeah that was all sarcastic. have fun!)

19) What is your favourite Ghosts fan art?

Oh fuck. I think one of my faves was Robin as a Pokemon trainer cuz i inspired it. Otherwise it's either gotta be this by @wattse or this by @kami-ships-it very beautiful artworks and great styles. Love the colours and textures.

38) It's your turn to pick a movie for film club! What are you watching?

:) :))) :)))))))))))))))))))))))))))) I am aboutta write a LOT :))))))))))))))))

OKAY SO, the first one that comes to mind is Handsome Devil. Would this essentially be emotional turmoil for Cap ? Absolutely yes but 1) I'd love to see him understand that times have changed and people are accepting of queerness and 2) it's a beautiful movie that I think all the ghosts could benefit from watching. Especially the Captain. It's about these two kids in an irish boarding school who form an unlikely friendship (Ned - outcast loner and Conor - rugby fiend loved by the school for his skills). PLEASE WATCH IT IF YOU HAVEN'T. Also the soundtrack for this movie is BEAUTIFUL and makes me go a lil insane every time I watch it. IT"S GOT ANDREW SCOTT AS A GAY ENGLISH TEACHER !!!

Otherwise, I'd also choose The Nice Guys. Fun detective buddy-cop movie and so far everyone I've showed it to has enjoyed it. I also think it'd start a really good discussion about sex work and the judicial system. Not necessarily in relation to each other but still. Fanny would definitely be shocked just at the opening scene but honestly, I think after some discussing she'd enjoy it too. Maybe. Julian definitely would. But it's fuckin hilarious and also heartwarming with the lil hint of found family.

OOH OR OCEAN'S 11 now there's some good found family with another stellar soundtrack. Or Knives Out. NOW THAT, Fanny would love. I think she'd like the twist of it not actually being about WHODUNNIT but if Marta can get away with it and then finding out THE OTHER twist. Although idk how she'd feel about the whole "family losing their inheritance" thing. Hmmm. Idk why Fanny's been the one I'm tryna impress here. I think cuz most of them would enjoy these without fuss but ya know...Fanny.

Okay, if i had to choose ONE :( it'd be Handsome Devil. I'd love to make the ghosts watch that and see who's crying by the end of it :) and see who's trying to be very indifferent about it *cough* cap *cough cough*

[run-me-through-but-not-like-that]

Hii, slightly weird request. (And If you don’t feel okay with this, that’s okay! I’m not sure if you only write GN only or…) but I was wondering if possible if you could do a fic or something with Izzy and the reader is his S/O who finds out they’re pregnant? Or gender neutral, they find a kid who’s parents are now gone and they take the kid in? Thank you. And sorry. Turns out I’m really down bad for Izzy. Lol

Izzy being good with kids? Izzy being good with kids. Anyway, here's you and Izzy accidently adopting a child.

Warnings: the child's parents have died and he was placed in an abusive environment. No abuse is discussed, just implied.

You and Izzy Hands take a child under your wing:

Entering the storeroom to check that everything had been stored away properly after stocking up at port, you paused when you heard shuffling followed by silence.

"Christ. Lucius, Pete, if that's you, speak up now because I'm really not in the mood to see all that" you groaned, expected their two head to pop up with guilty smiles.

Instead, there was just silence.

"Shit, better not be rats" you muttered to yourself as you moved further into the storeroom, freezing as you peaked around the crate in the back corner of the room.

Curled up in the corner, knees pressed against their chest, looking up at you with wide, fearful eyes...was a child.

God, you wished it was rats.

"Please don't hurt me" the kid hiccupped, snapping you out of your stunned silence.

"I'm not going to hurt you" you assured the young boy. "...how did you get in here?" you asked, trying to wrap your head around your little discovery.

"Snuck in...no one was around..." he told you quietly. Admittedly, you weren't too surprised that a child had managed to sneak on, the crew wasn't always the most observant.

"Are you pirates?" the kid asked, glossy eyes looking at you pleadingly.

"Yeah...yeah we are" you nodded, only causing him to look more afraid. "Relax kid, nobody is going to hurt you" you promised him as you sat down on the ground, legs crossed as you tried to look as unthreatening as possible.

"We left port yesterday, you've been in here the whole time?" you asked and he just nodded.

Sighing, you rubbed your forehead. "My captain will agree to taking you home, I'll speak with him" you assured him, beginning to stand up again.

"No!" the child scrambled towards you, grabbing your sleeve.

"He won't hurt you-" you began to reassure him but were quickly interrupted.

"I don't want to go back, please don't make me go back" he pleaded, looking more afraid of the prospect of going back to port than when he found out you were pirates.

"What about your parents?" you frowned. Surely this kid would want to get back to his family?

"...they're gone" the boy whispered, releasing your sleeve, gaze dropping to the wooden floor.

"...alright, I'm sorry" you sighed, sitting down properly again. "What's your name?" you asked gently.

"Michael" he sniffled.

"Stay here, okay Michael? I'll be back really quick" he looked at you for a moment, like he was trying to decide if you were trustworthy, before nodding.

You gave him, what you hoped was a, comforting smile before standing and leaving the storeroom. Muttering 'oh my god' to yourself, you rushed up onto the deck to find the man you were looking for.

You found Izzy scolding Black Pete about knots or something, you didn't really care, just needing him to follow you. "Izzy, a word, please?"

"You alright?" he frowned at you, instantly noticing the panic and concern on your face.

"It's just really important" you didn't even look at Pete, grabbing Izzy by the cuff of his sleeve and dragging him away.

He complained and asked what the hell was going on as you pulled him down into the ship and towards the storeroom.

"There's something in the storeroom" you told him cryptically once you reached the door.

"Shit. Rats?" Izzy sighed, rubbing his face, frustration clear on his face.

"No...worse...much more complicated" you shook your head.

"Just tell me what it is" he huffed. In his defence, he would never correctly guess what was hiding behind that door.

"Better if I show you, just...don't overreact, okay?" you looked at him pleadingly, making him more concerned, before you pushed him inside.

Closing the door behind you, you pushed a barrel in front of the door so nobody could come in behind you.

Izzy glanced around the room, seeing that everything was in place and there was no evidence of rats. He frowned, turning back to question you.

You held a hand up to silence his question before calling out gently, "Michael, you can come out."

Izzy turned around again just in time to see a kid nervously popping out from their hiding spot. "What the fuck?" he words spilled from him before he even processed them. Because, and he'll repeat, what the fuck?

"Language" you chastised. "He said he snuck on when nobody was around. I said Stede would take him back but he doesn't want to go" you explained briefly.

"And what do you want me to do?" Izzy looked at you, just as lost as you were. Why didn't you go and get Stede, what did you expect Izzy to do about this?

"Well I don't know what to do, you're the first mate!" you reminded him. Stowaways probably fell under his list of responsibilities rather than yours.

That's fair, Izzy nodded, taking a breath. "We should just tell the captains, let them decide what to do" it was just a kid, Stede and Edward would be fair. Neither of you doubted that. Plus, Izzy really didn't want this responsibility.

"...you're right" you sighed, finally turning your attention back to the nervous child. "Alright, Michael. This is Izzy Hands, our first mate. I promise nobody is going to hurt you or anything, but we need to introduce you to our captains, okay?" you asked with a smile.

"...okay" Michael nodded, seeming to trust you to some extent at least.

Izzy moved the barrel out of the way and opened the door, letting the two of you step out first. Michael was by your side in an instant, clutching your hand like a life line.

You flashed him a reassuring smile before heading towards the captain's quarters. You and Izzy certainly got some strange looks as you crossed the deck with a child shyly clinging to your arm.

The captains were definitely surprised by the discovery and, as you had expected, Stede had offered to take him home. Only for Michael to break down in tears, pleading to be allowed to stay, promising to be a great pirate, just please don't take him back there.

Edward's expression had hardened, promising not to take the kid back to that port. The two captains ended up bickering about what to do with the child before deciding that...he would just have to stay on the ship until they came up with a better plan.

The boy looked terrified at the notion of returning and they just couldn't bring themselves to do that to him.

Izzy had scoffed, rightfully reminding them that a pirate ship was no place for a child. He had joined a life of piracy young but still older than this boy. He was too young. He might have been right but nobody had any better ideas.

So, here you all where. Pirates and babysitters.

-

Izzy grumbled to himself, sat at the rigging as he retied the knots, complaining about how useless Bonnet's crew truly was. He had been so distracted him his angry muttering that he hadn't heard anyone approaching.

"Uh...Mister Hands?" Michael's quiet voice interrupted the task, making the first make look towards him.

The kid looked nervous, like he was unsure whether he should be talking to him or not. Technically, Michael had spent more time with Izzy than most of the crew but that was mostly because Michael clung to you and you spent most of your time with Izzy.

"Just call me Izzy, kid" he sighed, finishing with the knot he was working on.

"Okay" Michael perked up a little, confidence growing. "Do you think you could teach me some...piratey things?" he asked, causing Izzy to just look at him, a little confused by the request. "Y/n keeps telling me about how you're the best pirate on the ship, on the whole seven seas! I'm a pirate now and I want to learn from the best!" he explained, bouncing on his feet with excitement.

"Christ, kid. You want some advice?" Izzy asked, a little amused. Michael nodded eagerly. "Not all stories are to be taken literally" he told him, the corner of his mouth twitching up slightly.

"So...you're not the best?" Michael frowned, his head tilting to the side.

Izzy actually chuckled a little at that before asking, "what do you want to learn, kid?"

"Oh! How to fight!" Michael's excitement instantly returned, taking up a dramatic sword fighting stance.

The first mate huffed a small laugh. "I think you can wait a little for that. Y/n would kill me if I gave you a blade" he commented, shaking his head. "Piracy isn't all about fighting, it's about running a ship. Gotta know your knots" he shrugged.

"...there's more than one knot?" the kid asked, face scrunching up.

"More than ten" Izzy mused, almost fond of how the kid's eyes widened.

"Will you teach me?" now, Izzy certainly wasn't expecting that. Even the so called adult pirates on this ship didn't want to learn how to tie knots properly, but this kid apparently did.

"Sure, sit down" Izzy nodded, already untying one of the knots he had done to show him how to do it.

-

A knock on the cabin door roused you and Izzy from your peaceful rest. Izzy grumbled to himself, something about 'what do those twats want now?'

You just sighed before calling out, "what's up?" through the door.

"Uh, it's me. Frenchie. Got Michael here" the bard called back, you could imagine him shifting nervously, not sure what to do.

At that, Izzy sat up. You weren't sure if it was just to give you room to get off the the cot or if the comment had concerned him in some way. You climbed out of bed with a frown, quickly padding over to the door and opening it.

"Found him wandering about, said he was looking for you" Frenchie explained, gesturing down to the boy.

Looking down, you saw Michael nervously clutching at Frenchie's pant leg. Seemingly shaken up by something, eyes red like he had been crying.

"You alright, Mikey?" you asked, kneeling down to better match his height.

The child instantly stepped away from Frenchie and towards you. "Bad dreams" he mumbled, hanging his head.

"Alright...you wanna come in?" you assumed he had asked for you, which was why Frenchie brought him here. Then again, the crew might be more inclined to bring him to you when there was a problem because he seemed to become so attached to you.

He nodded, sniffling quietly.

"Thanks Frenchie" you stood again, giving the bard an appreciative smile.

"S'alright. Just make sure Izzy didn't scare him even more, yeah?" Frenchie half-joked. To be fair to the prickly first mate, he had been surprisingly...decent towards the new child aboard. They didn't even know Izzy could be so patient.

"Fuck off!" Izzy shouted from his position back on the cot.

"Language!" you and Frenchie shouted back in unison. Poor kid is going to have a pretty broad vocabulary after his little venture with your crew.

Frenchie gave you a nod and a smile, wishing you a goodnight before leaving. Placing a hand on Michael's shoulder, you guided him into the cabin and closed the door behind you.

"Is it alright if Michael hangs out here for a bit, Iz? He had a bad dream" you asked rhetorically, obvious Izzy had already heard all of that and you were sure he wouldn't turn the child away, no matter how cold hearted he wanted some people to think he was.

"Yeah, whatever" Izzy shrugged, waving his hand vaguely as if to welcome him into the room.

You sat on the cot, leaving enough room for Michael to climb up and scramble between the two of you.

"Pirates shouldn't have bad dreams" Michael sniffed, making your chest ache.

"Now, that simply isn't true" you chastised gently. So young and already getting harmful ideas.

"It's not?" Michael asked, looking up at you with wide, glossy eyes.

"We all have bad dreams, kid. Pirates more than most" Izzy agreed with another shrug.

"You too?" now the boy was looking up at him with those wide eyes. Vulnerable and innocent. Izzy didn't want him to turn out like him, he was a good kid.

"Sometimes" Izzy nodded. "Y/n is really good at handling them, though" he assured the young boy, glancing over at you.

"Really?" he looked so hopeful, that he might find comfort in the two of you. You wondered how long it had been since somebody had been there to comfort him after a bad dream.

"I try my best" you smiled reassuringly, combing your fingers through his hair. "Wanna talk about the dream?" you asked.

That night, you and Izzy learnt all about what Michael had stowed away on a random ship. How he had escaped the 'mean people' he had been placed with after the death of his parents. It sounded like he had only been with them for a few months but it had been long enough for him to know that he had to run away, you supposed he was just lucky that he stumbled onto the Revenge.

After recalling his dream and having you dry his fresh tears, Michael eventually managed to fall asleep, clinging onto Izzy's arm.

"He's worse than you" Izzy huffed, pretending to be annoyed by the clingy child.

"But not as bad as you" you teased, earning a small smile from the tired first hand.

"He really likes you" Izzy observed, shifting slightly to get more comfortable without waking the boy.

"He likes you too, obviously" you laughed quietly, nodding to the way Michael buried his face in his arm.

"Don't know how to interact with kids" Izzy confessed as you settled down on the other side of the child.

"You're doing just fine. Admittedly, better than I thought you would. I think he likes that you don't talk down to him too much" you hummed.

There was a moment of silence, you were just beginning to feel sleep returning to you when Izzy spoke again. "...what are we going to do with him?"

"I don't know, Iz...I don't know..."

-

The Revenge was docked at a port, not one you were very familiar with but it appeared fairly popular. You had decided to take Michael out with you for the day, thinking that he deserved to wander about on land for a while and that it might be good for him.

You had stopped at a stall, making a purchase. Michael had been right by your side, looking around all wide eyed and excited to be seeing new places. However, as you pocketed your purchase and turned around, Michael was nowhere in sight.

Instantly, panic swirled in your stomach, bile rising in your throat. It could have been described as the type of fear only a parent could feel.

You wasted no time, searching the market, searching for the young boy, calling out his name but getting no respond. Concluding that he must have wandered away from the market, you began exploring the twisting alleyways near by in search for him. It was becoming difficult to breath, you could hear your heart beating in your ears.

Somehow, the sound of some sort of scuffle caught your attention, and you immediately hurried towards the sound.

Flying around a corner, you froze when you saw Izzy pinning a man up against a wall with a knife to his throat. Behind the first mate stood Michael, one hand clutching the back of his waistcoat.

"Get the fuck outta here" Izzy ordered lowly, releasing the man. He wasn't going to kill him in front of the kid, even in his anger he knew better than that. "Didn't you hear me, fuck off" he snapped when the man didn't move, prompting him to scamper off and out of sight.

Izzy tucked his knife away before turning to face Michael. "Are you alright? He didn't hurt you did he?" he asked, crouching down to match his height.

Michael just shook his head, sniffling. "Good" Izzy nodded. You were about to step in, make yourself known, figuring that Izzy wouldn't know what to do with a crying child. Hell, you barely knew what to do.

"You're alright now, Son. Wouldn't let anything happen to you, would I? I am the best pirate on the seven seas after all" Izzy reassured him, putting a smile on both yours and Michael's face. "And when we get back to the ship, I'll train you to protect yourself, just in case somebody else isn't around. How do you like the sound of that?" he asked.

Michael perked up a lot at that, having been pleading with Izzy to teach him how to fight like a pirate.

"Alright. No more need for tears, it's all over now" Izzy comforted the child, using the cuff of his sleeve to wipe away the fresh tears from his chubby cheeks.

Izzy flinched a little, surprised, when Michael threw his arms around his neck. The man relaxed, letting out a sigh as he returned the boy's embrace. He muttered something to the child before standing, lifting Michael with him, holding him in his arms.

"Izzy" you finally announced yourself, Izzy turning to you and Michael lifting his head from his shoulder to look at you. "God, Mikey, I'm so glad you're alright" you sighed, relieved, as you hurried towards the pair.

"Saw him run off when you were at that stall, thought I should keep an eye on him" Izzy told you, adjusting the scrawny boy in his hold.

"You can't just run off like that, Mikey. It's dangerous, okay?" you didn't sound angry with him, because you weren't, just concerned as you ran your fingers through his hair.

Michael just nodded and apologised, promising never to do that again. You just tucked his growing hair behind his ear, certain that he had already learnt his lesson.

-

Izzy stood up on the quarterdeck, a common thing for him to do, but things had felt different lately. Almost as if he was filled with a renewed purpose, he couldn't quite put his finger on it though.

"Alright, Dizzy Izzy. What did you do with it?" Lucius questioned accusingly, storming right up to the first mate.

"What the fuck do you think I've done?" Izzy snarled back. True, he had been in higher moods lately, but he didn't like being accused of things he didn't do.

"My wooden finger! Where is it?" he asked angrily.

Izzy just sighed before glancing around, shaking his head when he caught a glimpse of Michael ducking behind a barrel. "Michael" he called sternly, but he didn't sound angry in the slightest.

With a defeated expression and slumped shoulders, Michael came out of his hiding place and dragged his feet across the quarterdeck.

"Give it back" Izzy demanded, holding his hand out to the small boy.

Michael huffed as he dug something out of his pocket, placing the familiar piece of wood work in Izzy's hand.

Izzy laughed a little to himself before turning back to the bewildered scribe. "Been teaching him to pickpocket" was the first mate's only explanation.

"...it was my finger..." Lucius frowned, wondering when the kid could have snatched it from him without him even noticing.

"Then he must be getting pretty good at it" Izzy shrugged, "now fuck off."

"Good job" Izzy grinned, clasping his hand over the boy's shoulder proudly, "but, son?"

"Yeah, Izzy?" Michael looked up at him with shiny, adoring eyes. Looking at him in that way that always scared Izzy a little bit, in that way that felt like too much responsibility.

"Next time, steal something valuable" he advised fondly.

"Yes, sir!" the boy saluted dramatically, a beaming smile on his face.

"Now, go and help Black Pete with that knot, he's just done it wrong for the third time" Izzy watched with a smile he wasn't even aware of, his chest swelling with pride, as Michael excitedly ran off to help the pirate.

"Now, this is something I never thought I'd see" Edward's voice almost made Izzy jump, he might have if he wasn't so used to the other man seemingly just appearing out of thin air, "never actually thought about it, to be honest."

"What are you talking about, Edward?" Izzy asked with a sigh, pretty sure he knew where this was going.

"Michael. That you're kind of a father now, mate" his captain shrugged as if it meant nothing, as if it was a simple fact, the obvious.

"Fuck off. I'm not his father" Izzy protested. He wasn't the kid's father, but it wasn't like he was going to let him get himself killed. So yeah, he taught him some things, let him stay with the two of you when the nightmares got bad, told him (more child friendly) stories of his time as a pirate, bought him that stupid bandanna that apparently made him look like a 'real pirate'. He wasn't a father, could never be one, would mess a kid up like he does everything else.

"No but he likes you well enough. God knows why" Edward teased, elbowing the shorter man in the ribs.

"Fuck off."

"If it means anything, you're doing a good job. The pair of you" his tone had turned more sincere now as he watched you cross the deck, ruffling the young boy's hair as he and Pete showed you their handiwork.

"Yeah...yeah, guess we're doing alright" Izzy agreed. He couldn't argue with that. You were great with the kid and he didn't feel completely lost with him when you were there.

"So...is the kid staying on the ship? The crew has kinda taking a liking to him, he's like a little mascot or something" Edward asked, genuinely curious.

"A pirate ship is dangerous for a child. It's dangerous for anyone" Izzy reminded him. Honestly, it was a question he hadn't come up with an answer for yet.

Of course, Edward had already heard that before. Stede had already given him the lecture about how it's not safe for a child, only going on to contradict himself of course when he mourned the possible goodbye of the child. Just think of where he could end up without all of you to guide him!

"Yeah but we all know you won't drop him off at some orphanage or workhouse" Edward pointed out, that would just be cruel. He was right, Izzy felt a little nauseous at the mere suggestion.

"We'll figure something out" Izzy promised with a decisive nod.

"Don't rush or anything, quite like the little guy. Quite like being uncle Ed" Blackbeard, or Uncle Ed, grinned, clasping Izzy's shoulder proudly. Much like he had done earlier with the young boy.

"Alright, that's enough" Izzy huffed, pushing his hand off of his shoulder. Edward just laughed at the flustered expression on his first mate's face before walking off.

It was around lunchtime. Izzy only realised because you had sat Michael down on the deck with a roll and some water. It felt like somebody was grasping at his heart when the two of you spotted him up on the quarterdeck, both of you giving him bright smiles and waves. Before he even realised his feet were moving, Izzy was moving down the steps to join you for something to eat.

[jack-kellys]

Charlie for the ask game??

YES YES yes. yes.

send me a fandom/ship/character and i’ll tell you some stuff!!

him him nothing but him miles and piles of him <3

How I feel about this character:

i’ll admit it. crutchie was not my main man in the past. he felt like a bit of a shoehorn based on the content i had, like ok of course they get rid of the disabled best friend for most of the show. like wtf. but i’ve evolved, i now am like ok that’s bad writing but it doesn’t make crutchie a bad character. and this is just. matthew duckett alone is a crutchie dissertation LMAO!! i LOVE CRUTCHIE!! i love his position with jack, i love his standings with the newsies, i love his resilience, his new more jaded take vs. the sunshine naive one of THE PAST (it’s of the past bc i personally killed it and stabbed it to death so that it would die. you’re welcome), he’s so sarcastic and dedicated to the strike and to jack. mans keeps his chin up and i am obsessed with him for it. he’s just SO COOL now like not only is he a good character he is genuinely a cool fucking character. fuck yeah. only took ten years (or. oh my god. thirty? 1992 is… thirty years ago?)

Any/all the people I ship romantically with this character:

um! fuck it i’ll be controversial— i honestly have no issues with jackcrutchie! all the newsies call each other brothers through the whole show and this fandom ships them anyway, and the 15 year old crutchie is now. a myth. thank god. because a revival has happened that has purposefully not taken jackshit from bway and there’s no way they got matthew duckett playing a FIFTEEN YEAR OLD LMAOO.. so jackcrutchie is valid and their relationship is interesting and complicated w/ refuge stuff to do i think there’s a lot of pull from! more than. uh. most ships in this fandom.

also crutchie is almost never paired with anyone romantically and i wish it was a mystery as to why. so if he wants to kiss jack kelly… who am i to tell a fic writer what to do. but also… crutchie and davey. i could have thoughts if they were dropped in my inbox.

My favorite non-romantic relationship for this character:

OKAY WELL YEAH it is jack and crutchie. i can be a jackcrutchie ally and not ship it consistently. their history together is the longest in the show’s context and i love how clear it is… i think crutchie’s love for new york and jack’s growing distaste of it is REALLY fascinating given the fact crutchie is the one thrown in jail and he is still like. but this is my city. like wow. idk that’s so… so fascinating for them two

My unpopular opinion about this character:

my unpopular opinion is that the hashtag ‘let crutchie say fuck’ agenda is still rooted in like a quirky infantilism. like when the child learns a bad word. what

anyway hashtag crutchie does say fuck

One thing I wish would happen / had happened with this character in canon:

i wish crutchie got to talk to jack about the strike. because one minute they’re talking about santa fe, the next prices are raised and crutchie is saying how they should just buy their papers and keep surviving, and then suddenly we are on strike. i want a like. “what happened to leaving new york, mr. president?” kind of conversation between them especially since crutchie is IN OPPOSITION of jack. fuck me i’ll do it myself if i have to

Favorite friendship for this character:

DAVID JACOBSDSNDND!!! i think there’s this weird kind of recognition that crutchie has with davey, like this knowledge that jack needs someone like this to bring him down to earth. like. this Approval crutchie has of davey is fucking awesome, very clear in uksies. also they’re shown talking together a lot, after WWK they r at the center table like Deeply discussing something before davey says his line. ugh<3

also the way crutchie gives davey (yes not the other way around. davey like comes over to him and crutchie invites him in for a hug) is so personal to me oh my god!!

THANKS CAM!!

[titleleaf]

ooh tell me some things about process for "jacob's dream" the jophickey noncon one... characterization thoughts would be especially interesting but really anything

First of all THANK, second of all, here is so many words that are probably totally incoherent, I really appreciated getting to revisit this fic!

Fic is here @ AO3 -- Jopson->Hickey noncon for AMC's The Terror s01e08. CW: discussion of #sexual violence and general violence behind the cut

This fic felt so mean to write -- I love writing about dark!versions of characters and it never comes from a position of disliking or hating that particular character, it's more about turning them inside out and figuring out a different aspect of them. Jopson has a steely streak in him and his capacity for patience and care doesn't negate that -- I can't imagine him ever getting to such a point of extremity (even his enthusiasm for knocking Hickey around at gunpoint in this fic, let alone the noncon part) without serious external pressures but the combination of (correctly) perceiving the captain to be under threat and reaching the absolute end of his emotional resources, feeling like they're on the very fringe of "civilized" behavior already, has him doing something he would never have done aboard ship or before they departed. It's a really weird desperate campaign to shore up the captain's authority (and through him by extension the whole vertical structure of English society as he knows it -- the captain, the admiralty, the queen, God) that brings Jopson himself to a worse place than he was before. It's fun showing the harder, tougher, steelier side of Jopson but it's in the context of something fundamentally fucked and morally degrading. I had the idea of "hey what if Terror Camp Clear-era noncon" first -- the way Hickey acts so fake-casual just sparked something, idk -- but I ended up digging in trying to figure out how to get these characters there.

I'd forgotten until rereading this how blatantly I have Hickey just say "Jopson is mad because he's sold his soul to an uncaring power structure", lol -- that's a jaundiced take given Hickey POV and Cornelius being like, one bear attack away from screaming about Queen Victoria, but Jopson is a lawful kind of guy, a caretaker, and he's highly attuned to any threat of instability. Hickey acting against their captain poses a catastrophic threat to the whole system of hierarchy that Jopson puts stock in and Hickey does not, and the extremity of Jopson's response is as much due to that as it is due to a personal dislike of Hickey and his goading. I really wanted this to come across as very physical and ungainly, very much like a beating where the sexual contact is Jopson using his dick the same way he's using his gun or his fists. He's just trying to degrade Hickey in a way he associates with Hickey already, not just sex but brutality and dirtiness -- I hadn't thought of this, but Jopson as a steward must have some thoughts and feelings about whatever he may suspect about Hickey's relationship with Gibson -- and hoping it'll break him down to size. On the flipside, Hickey's twisting his position around to be an empowering one, where he's in control by forcing Jopson to sink to his level and compromise his own moral convictions. Lots of stuff in the show between the two of them as characters about dirtiness and cleanliness, slovenliness and tidiness, laziness and diligence, and it makes them great foils.

There's a weird push and pull here where Hickey absolutely sees rape (specifically being raped) as on a continuity with all his other experiences of sex -- in a calmer moment Jopson would find what he's doing in this fic abhorrent, and he really does try to hide it, but Hickey doesn't view it as qualitatively different than being beaten and he's got a ton of rationalizations in play to keep him from ever having to sit with his emotional responses to sexual exploitation. Unlike his nasty gnome book counterpart, or even a character like Henry Drax who's indifferent to consent as long as he gets off, I think Hickey has a preference for and enjoyment of consensual, pleasurable gay sex that is at odds with his weird conviction that he can scheme and fuck his way to the top. (god, do you think I write too many fucked-up characters... having to say "strangely, Hickey enjoys consensual sex more than nonconsensual sex"...) He always sees the power play in any sexual encounter and the ways even mutually pleasurable sex can be fraught, and while most of the time I think he's projecting sexuality on cross-rank interactions where it's not necessarily there (or willing it into being, like a self-fulfilling prophecy -- Crozier's drink, news of the Marines) I think he's pretty right here that Jopson is doing what he's doing to reassert the power structure that places him over Hickey and Crozier over both of them. (Which is why he goes right to "btw I fucked the captain, did you know that, I fucked the captain and got his uniform dirty too" -- he construes Jopson's attachment to the hierarchy aboard ship as sexual both because he's a gadfly and a shit-stirrer who wants to sully Crozier and demean Jopson, but also because he sees sex and power as inherently intertwined. And if you loooove the captain so much, why don't you marry him?)

Even though the context is really bleak, I loved writing attack dog Jopson -- he sees himself here as doing for Crozier what Crozier can't do for himself, invoking how Hickey's transgressed against The Rules(tm) to justify what he's doing to him. Jopson🤝 Crozier

It's also just fun to write about the rough, dirty, whiskery, seamy side of Jopson, someone who's got a face like a haunted doll despite his incredible beard-growing abilities and is easy to paint as kind of wispy due to his clear trauma and his moments of great gentleness. (Neither of which Hickey can understand.) Jopson's a mess by the end of the season, and his misapprehension that Crozier has abandoned him perversely fulfills Hickey's nasty little dig about how Jopson's sacrificed so much for the hierarchical order and it's not giving him anything in return. (The flipside, maybe, of none ever wanted nothing from me. Hickey has to give Jopson's position the sour-grapes treatment to preserve his own self-image, because Jopson very much is a wanted and valued crew member.)

Also wow, a lot of scurvy stuff in this, I think I tried to make it tangibly nasty given how Jopson's physical deterioration is so agonizing in those last episodes but even Hickey is feeling the malnutrition woes. I do *not* know how Hickey thinks a person would lose their testicles (or a testicle, singular) due to scurvy. Maybe he thinks they drop off.

[redxblueihateloveyou]

Hey i really love your blog!!! I just plucked the courage to actually send u an ask fhdjhd but GOSH i love your video edits and your gifs and your meta article posts, you're so articulate and you can explain/describe moments in a way that makes me go "oh wow, i cant believe i haven't seen it that way before!!" Haha ANYWAYS i'm just here to say that i completely agree with what all u said, Free creators might do a lil fanservice here and there for the 25 ships that exists within the fandom's circle, but rinharu's storyline is clearly the most romantic one! And i'd argue it's the one closest to being canon esp after part 1, i mean the fact that they put such an explosive emotional outburst right at the end of the second to the last movie means a lot. It's like reinforcing the fact that this series has always been about them, and everything that has happened only happened either because they met or they grew appart and miss eachother. I kinda feel like maybe.. juust maayyybe there's a chance KA wants to make the ship canon, since it's the last movie and they want to end it on a highnote maybe (bcs honestly i think the only reason they've been holding back is purely bcs of the merch sales, since they don't have a problem showing a wholesome lesbian love story in kobayashi maid dragon) butt i could be wrong, maybe i'm just overly optimistic and delusional, they could somehow ruin it and give an ending that panders to all the ships again 😅🥲, but at least there's a clear-cut guarantee that part 2 would dedicate a large portion of it fixing rin and haru's fight!!! Oohh how can i wait another 6 months now!!😭😭 (sorry for the long ask btw!! 🙏🙇‍♀️🙇‍♀️)

OMG thank you so so much!! For watching my vids too! ❤️❤️❤️ It really means a lot to me! Ahhhh wow, thats the longest ask I've ever recieved! 😍 I'm trying to explain myself so hard lol I'm glad its appreciated, bc sometimes I'm like "I don't fucking know how to say this" xD

Well, you know me, I only care for one ship, which is the only one with confirmed info that they're both actually gay and have mutual feelings for each other. There are some other ships in free! I'm fine with (those do not include Rin or Haru in them xD), but I just mostly don't care, bc after reading all the stuff, you can see that in some of those to one the other one is actually like his second option, which I just do not like. Others I just don't even see, bc again to me who witnessed great close male friendships and having two sisters who I'm very close to, I just do not see anything romantic in that.

It's not just Free! tbh, it's like any sports anime these days. They see two guys walking together, it's a ship. And like no one cares if they're just bros. Like I'd get i they did some fanservice fanservice, but like I never saw anyone in Free! crossing the line the way rinharu do. I can without thinking much name you 10 rh moments that no matter how hard you think can't be explain as being bros, but can't name one when it comes to others. I just find some ppl shipping everyone with everyone weird sometimes. It's like western fans see like some eastern actors or singers slap each other ass lovingly and they're like "oh they're fucking" I'm like "yeah, ofc all 500 of them, you're absolutely right". And Free! doesn't do anything even like that, I just do not get sometimes like what moment even brought on some ships. I'm genuinely confused. Albert and Haru? You fucking fell from a sakura tree or smth? I'm...

I'm especially confused when it comes to guys, whose character type is who I call "I only want this one and if I can't have it, then I'm ok" xD. It just always surprised me, when they try to pair up them with someone else, it's like a complete ooc.

I'm also not into this whole "well, if there are gays in this anime, than everyone there is gay". I'm like... huh. It's like with KNB and MDZS I had same feeling. It's like you have already couples there who are canon/borderline canon, why do you need another 10 who don't even interact or just don't even go there? I'm always so confused in those situations. Or like wangxian is married and some are like "no, I actually don't like it, let me write a fic when they're with other ppl". Lan Zhan... being in love or having sex with someone else? Yeah, that's not Lan Zhan, dude, you're writing about someone else. Might as well change the name at this point.

But last time I went to twitter someone had a thread about how if they make s4 of Free! they should mainly explore there Momo's angst (and no, it wasn't a joke), so I'm already like, I'm just.. nothing will surprise me no more. But I'm forever gonna be confused.

Yeah, I eel you about "going there". I mean seeing part of it, it just kinda cemented my confusion, bc I do not get how it can be considered platonic. We were just discussing since yesterday with @freeseafirefly how I now even more perplexed and do not understand how they will resolve it without going into relationship territory. It's just our point here is that like... no one forced them to go there (I mean its not like this whole fandom has some wild expectations or anything already), we were waiting or our usual friendship and swimming and maybe tiny conflict about struggles of pro-careers and some usual rh implications (maybe all the rh gay in dramas as always). Not some pure fanfiction coming to life here haha.

Like why I'm laughing is bc I twice used in my "fics" bringing up him leaving Haru as a force to push the confession, bc there's no way if he adresses this it won't lead to this. And now we not only have this (bc Haru just basically layed it out there), but an actual scene of him playing on their feelings for each other and a literal image of Rin leaving and "taking Haru's heart with him" to the point when he's for the first time in his life openly crying on the ground. And it's not like this scene can be interpreted as anything else, the whole fandom talks same, bc the whole fight was just about them, what Haru said was just about them, there's a literal boom of his heart getting out of his chest, before he falls and now he's heartless.

So our question is like... why go there?

It's like some say that they might still resolve it with "they're special to each other" and swimming, but still like we already knew that, there was no reason to go that far is what I'm saying. And to think that it was planned since forever giving the clues is like... ???

The whole spoon theme also throw me on the loop because like, lets be honest, it's wedding themed. And that part of the interview about part 2 there also made me go...?????? Because I mean, huh?

This is just all in all very interesting turn of events to say the least. I do not see the point of all of this if its not what I think it is, esp after seeing tweets like "even I see a rh wedding and I'm mh T_T". It's just all very unsubtle, that's why we're confused.

Like who knows, maybe we'll really by some magic turn of events get lucky and they really decided that since its the ending, it's okay to go for it. But I also don't wanna to hype myself much, I'm already really happy with it, just bc again, this scene already proves all of my points.

And yeah, I'm sure they'll pander to everyone, bc it's the end and etc and we have to handle everything on the good note and there's a whole line of ppl who's obsessed with us, esp with Haru xD, but like bromance pandering and romance pandering are different things, you know *wiggles eyebrows* and u know who always gets the second one.

[thatasianstereotype]

Fuck. I’m Gay.

I’ve been reading a lot of ml salt fics lately (mainly @unmaskedagain which is a literal goldmine of saltiness). And getting into the Damienette ship. Marinette really does deserves better (Fuck Canon) but so does Adrien. He is not a “sidekick”. Chat Noir and Ladybug are partners = equals. So I decided why not write a fic where Adrien gets his own happy ending in the form of a grumpy assassin-turned-vigilante that loves animals more than people. 

Somewhat of a crack writing where creative liberties were definitely taken. 

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.

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Lila Rossi is a bitch and everyone knew it. Well, by everyone, Adrien means himself, his good-amazing-make-pastries-for-him friend Marinette, his maybe-not-really-sure friend Chloe and his-not-that-close-really-classmate Nathaniel. 

Yeah. It was a small number. 

But Lila is still a bitch. 

Anyway, Lila’s lies and manipulations have disturbed the status quo and not in a good way. She ended up making the majority of the class fawn over her like she was a perfect goddess and not a pompous-temperamental-hormonal teenager. Teenagers were prone to be gullible; he can understand his classmates being inclined to believe her. But this was utterly ridiculous (man, Chloe is rubbing off on him). No. You know what’s even more ridiculous? Ms. Bustier letting Lila get away with it. She doesn’t even stop the class mistreating Marinette who claimed she was a bully just because of you know who - Fucking Lila Rossi. The audacity of that bitch and her bitchy followers, am I right? 

Growing up he watched the tv shows and the animes. High schools always had their drama but he thought that was to get some plot going on. He didn’t think it was an actual thing that happens in real life. But he was proven wrong. Françoise Dupont High School had their drama and it was way worse than what he watched on screen. 

The worst part was that he couldn’t get away from Lila. Or he’ll be pulled from school (Fuck you Dad). He had to sit next to that bitch and listen to her drone on and on about things they both knew she didn’t do, about things she promised to do for her ever gullible followers friends. And couldn’t say anything against it if he wanted to stay in school. But even his discreet questioning didn’t do that much. It got some of the class to think something’s possibly fishy with her stories but not enough to think Lila was evil. So he just gave up. Because what was even the point? 

He was distancing himself from Alya and Nino. He couldn’t really be friends with people who thought Lila held the sun and moon. They didn’t hang out as much as they used to and he made excuses when they did invite him to stuff. Lately, he was making outrageous excuses - like he had to take his cat to the vet even though he didn’t have a cat - to see if they caught on. They didn’t. It was fun but he didn’t know whether to feel happy or sad about that. But feeling sad-depressed-pain over it was a bitch so he decided to take his victories as they come. 

Chloe had left the school earlier on. Her mom wanted to spend one-on-one time with her daughter (Yeah, Audrey is better at being a mother here). She was completely out of this drama mess. And Nathaniel kept his head down to not paint a target on himself. 

His only consolation and ally in this whole mess was Marinette. His darling angel. His sunshine incarnate. His own goddess (not like that bitch Lila let’s get one thing straight). 

When he was feeling overwhelmed (which was a lot), he spent it at her house. They spent it discussing fashion, trash talking Liar-la and the sheep class, playing video games, and making/eating the best baked goods in all of Paris. If he wasn’t at his photo shoots or at school, he was at her house. And with how often they spent time with each other, it wasn’t long before they accidentally revealed their alter egos to each other. 

(The class’ Everyday Ladybug was actually Ladybug. How amazing is that! Isn’t Marinette the absolute coolest?!) 

Since they outed themselves to each other, they had to give up their miraculous. And new heroes had to be chosen. As the guardian, Marinette decided to give the Ladybug miraculous to herself and the Cat one to Adrien. And make them the superheros of Paris. 

(Just when he thought that Marinette couldn’t get any cooler) 

They both collectively decided that being friends were for the best and put away their obsession crush over the other far far away. Now they were best friends-almost siblings. Oh who was he kidding? He was an honorary Dupain-Cheng. Marinette and her parents said so. And who was he to deny the goddess? 

All was well. 

Until he met this gorgeous boy with raven black hair and piercing green eyes that made him question everything in life. 

Like fuck. His life wasn’t hard enough already? 

.

It was a slow patrol. Just stopped a few petty crimes. No akuma tonight. He wasn’t really expecting much to happen.

Mari said patrolling regularly gives citizens a sense of security and it helps if one of them were on scene if an akuma does appear. 

He didn’t mind. He loved running on the rooftops and feeling the wind in his face. After some time, he stopped and stood on top of one of the tallest buildings. Just soaking the view. The peace and serenity of it all. Seeing the glowing lights of his beloved city. Seeing the Eiffel Tower standing tall and proud. 

(Forget school. Forget Liar-la and her hoard of bitches) 

This was his city. This was why he fights Hawk Moth with Ladybug. They had something precious to protect. 

He was done patrolling the regular routes and all his schoolwork was already finished. He could go to sleep but he didn’t feel that tired. And he really didn’t want to go back home. Mari shared her theory on his dad being Hawk Moth. She had really good reasons and a plethora of proof. If they could switch miraculous, why couldn’t he and Mayura - most likely Nathalie? Which would explain how Gabriel got akumatized.

After all her support with dealing with Lila, he was way more inclined to believe her even without the evidence. But those things just made him more wary of his dad. And he wasn’t too stoked on spending more time than what he can get away with with the guy. Because his dad being Hawk Moth explains why he wants Lila (his strongest supporter - Chameleon and Oni-chan, anyone?) close and makes Adrien play nice with her. And anyone who enables Lila’s bitchiness is on his enemy list. 

Anyway, he was out here to enjoy the good mood not think about evil bitches and evil dads. So he sat himself down and enjoyed the sights. It was more calming than you would think. 

He heard cars blaring and even a dog barking. The slight breeze felt nice. The moon was pretty bright tonight. The stars too. There was a lone couple walking through the park. There was also another teen in black running on rooftops a few buildings away. 

Wait. 

What? 

He blinked and looked again. Huh, there was another teen in black running on rooftops. And it was not a hallucination. 

What the actual fuck?

He was instantly on his feet, baton already in hand as he raced across the roof to reach said stranger. 

“Hey!” 

But because he was the lucky owner of the unlucky miraculous, the moment he said that, the guy was about to jump off a building to presumably roll onto the next one like Chat was watching him do beforehand. But his call made him lose focus and Chat watched horrified as the guy slipped and started falling into the alley. 

Oh fuck! Mari was going to fucking kill this dumbass kitty!

He hoped to everything that Mari thinks is holy that he makes it in time. Extending his baton, he used it as a huge Pogo stick to basically catapult himself towards the stranger and wrapped his arms around him as he braced himself for the full weight of hitting the gravel at this height and speed. But he wasn’t that that concerned. His suit protected him from the majority of the injuries that would’ve occurred if he wasn’t wearing it. It hurt but it isn’t as bad as it could’ve been. Remember earlier? He takes his victories as they come. 

This was not the smartest of ideas, he’ll admit. Mari had the brains to be honest. But it wasn’t bad if he say so. And he does say so. 

He rolled over and immediately looked over the stranger that was remarkably unharmed in this whole mess. 

And oh.

Oh.

The stranger was taller than he was with a lithe and lean frame. He had raven black hair that complimented his tanned skin and gorgeous green eyes that pierced through him, making his heart do funny things. 

He was not expecting him to look as hot as he did. He wore a simply black t-shirt and jeans but he looked like a fucking Adonis, what the fuck.  Even the moon shone down on him, highlighting his handsome features even more.  

He shook himself of those thoughts and focused on what was more important. “I’m so sorry. Are you alright?” 

He was rudely pushed away, but he didn’t take offense. He did cause the guy to fall after all. 

“Do not touch me.” (What kind of accent is that?) “I’m fine. You are truly a moronic imbecile of the highest accord to yell like that. And what are you even supposed to be? Some kind of knock-off Catwoman?” 

At that, Chat looked at Hot-And-Sexy weird. “Are you new here? I’m the superhero Chat Noir. I protect Paris with Ladybug.”

“You’re joking.”

“I know I come off as the goofy hero because I make purr-fect puns all the time but I’m not joking about this.” 

He took out his phone to show the foreign (since he’s obviously not a Parisian) stranger the akuma attacks and Ladybug and Chat Noir being a dynamic duo, saving Paris and beating Hawk Moth. Ok, he showed the stranger a lot of stuff. Sue him. He gets to brag about his Princess. And himself too.

“I never heard about this before.” Hot-And-Sexy (he has got to come up with a better name) said afterward. “3 years this has been going on? Why didn’t you ask for help from the Justice League or other superheros?” 

Chat shrugged. “We tried. But they said we’re obviously pulling a prank and making this all up. So we stopped asking for help.”

For some reason this made Hot-And-Sexy angry. “They ignored your plea for help and left you to fight for yourselves?”

“Pretty much, yea.” 

“You and Ladybug are children.” 

“Excuse me? Are you doubting our ability to protect our city?" He was not apologetic at the sharp edge his voice took. Forget looking hot. How dare he? The audacity really. 

Hot-And-Sexy shook his head. “I’m not. I know some child superheroes who are adequate at their jobs and a few who are remarkable like Robin in Gotham. But the majority of them had adult mentors to guide them. From what you’ve shown me, you and Ladybug had no one. You were left alone to fend for yourself with essentially no help.” 

He never thought of it that way. But hearing it like that made him think: Fuck Adults Who Chose Children to Fight Their War For Them and Fuck Hawk Moth For Putting Them In This Position In The First Place. 

You know what. Just to clear all his bases - Fuck Everyone But The Dupain-Chengs. 

Chat couldn’t help but shrug, not quite knowing what to say to that. “Life is a bitch, I’ve come to find out. But enough of that. Why were you running on rooftops anyway?”

“It calms me down.”

Relatable. 

“Is...Is your tail moving?” 

“Huh?” He looked behind him to see his tail was indeed moving lazily. “Yeah. I’m called Chat Noir for a reason.”

“May I touch them?” Chat was used to people (usually kids) pulling on his tail to see if it was real (It was). And it really hurts because they usually rough. Not that he blames them. Kids don’t know any better. Still, he usually says no when people ask. 

But Hot-And-Sexy had such a sincere expression that he said yes. To his surprise and delight, Hot-And-Sexy was extremely gentle (Can this guy be anymore perfect?) and it felt nice to be petted like that. Curse his touch-starvation (again Fuck you Dad).

Hot-And-Sexy was apparently fascinated by his ears and tail. 

“Are you a meta?” He noticed how Hot-And-Sexy’s voice turned softer and fonder (or was he imagining that?).

“Nah. I’m fully human. I just got powers to transform into this.” He looked down at his phone seeing that the time was nearing 2 am.

“Have you suffered any injuries from your stupid stunt?” 

“Hmm?” Chat looked back at him before gesturing to his body. “Don’t worry. I may not look like it but I can take it.”

He can practically feel Hot-And-Sexy rolling his eyes. “What an utter dolt.” 

But there wasn’t any heat behind it so he didn’t take it to heart. 

“Thanks, babe.” 

“That was an insult.”

“And I’m taking it like a compliment.”

Chat stood up and stretched his limbs. Hot-And-Sexy doing the same but dusting off his clothes instead.

“So, uh, need any help getting home?”

“I am perfectly capable of finding my own way, thanks.” 

“Ok. Have a nice night.” He was about to leave when he was caught off guard by Hot-And-Sexy staring at him for a good few seconds, making his limbs freeze in place at the heavy attention.

Before he said. “You should try contacting the Batfamily in Gotham about Hawk Moth. They’re used to dealing with weird things. I’m sure they won’t turn you or Ladybug away.” 

Chat was a bit distracted by how intensely those green eyes focused on him, making his heart beat faster and his cheeks turn a vibrant red. 

He was so screwed. 

He used his baton to shoot himself up so he can run on rooftops, hurrying to the Dupain-Cheng bakery. 

.

“Mari! I think I’m gay!”

“It’s 2 in the morning, Chaton. Go to sleep and we’ll talk about it in the morning.” 

.

After a good night’s rest (and thank everything that was right in the world that today was a weekend), Adrien told Mari all about Hot-And-Sexy. And yes, he did call the stranger that out loud. His everything-that-actually-matters sister simply took it in stride after giggling a bit. They spent the majority of the day discussing emotions and everything that came with that bundle. 

Before he finally came to a conclusion. 

He is definitely gay (He liked girls but not like like them). And most definitely had a crush on Hot-And-Sexy with the pretty green eyes. 

Good news: He is no longer having a sexuality crisis. 

Bad news: He is going through an emotional crisis. 

Like dealing with these feelings that is making his stomach flip flop over and over again? The only one he ever had to deal with was the one he had on Ladybug and that (he talked with Mari about it months before. She was amazing with these emotional matters) was more of a hero-worship crush than anything really romantic. 

And his crush on Hot-And-Sexy was so much more. 

.

So it’s been about 2 weeks since he encountered Hot-And-Sexy. And he still haven’t figured out what else to call him. But the nickname was growing on him. 

(He also told Mari about asking the Batfam for help but she was a bit apprehensive after the disastrous attempts of convincing the Justice League. He shrugged, trusting her opinion and left it at that) 

Anyway, Lila was being her usual bitchy self. Father was being non-existent like always. Mari was his only source of sanity at school. And Hawk Moth was being a bitch. 

Because of course, the day before they have a huge test, he decides to akumatize someone (in this case, a businessman who was really unhappy with getting fired) and cut in on study time. And this akuma took a while to defeat. Guess he drew a lot of strength from his burning hatred of the failings of the corporate world. 

And just yesterday, a teenager who was upset at being grounded got akumatized and terrorized the city for 3 hours before Ladybug could purify her. It did however confirmed her fears. Hawk Moth was getting stronger. It took longer to defeat his monsters. They needed to find him and ended this fast. 

Adrien landed on Mari’s balcony and slipped in her room, crashing on her big comfy bed, de-transforming on the spot. Plagg sleepily floating and laying next to him on the pillow. He was so tired. And photo shoots and school drama were not helping things.

.

For the record, he was not at all expecting to see Hot-And-Sexy in a bookstore of all places. 

He was so engrossed in looking through the latest Boku no Hero Academia manga (can’t wait until Season 5 comes out) that when someone touched his shoulder, he was not proud to admit he squeaked a bit.

He turned around and his eyes widened his surprise. 

“Hot-And-Sexy!” 

It was indeed the Adonis Adrien had a huge crush on. Today he was wearing a white t-shirt paired with a blue denim jacket and black ripped jeans. Wow. He really can make anything look hot.

No. Bad Adrien. Don’t let him know you actually have a crush on him.

And oh fuck. Hot-And-Sexy was staring at the blonde and Adrien tried not to let himself get flustered. He has a very intense stare. For all he knew, Hot-And-Sexy stares at everyone like that.

Calm the fuck down, heart. You too brain.

He raised a handsome eyebrow in amusement. “Excuse me?”

Adrien felt himself burn with embarrassment, his face turning bright scarlet. No wonder he was fit for the unlucky miraculous or was this just a side-effect? Note to self, ask Mari about this later. 

“I’m so sorry. I didn’t get your name last time. And I just started calling you that in my head. Cause you’re really hot and you have pretty eyes.”

Fuck mouth! Why won’t you stop talking! Please for the love of everything that makes Mari a BAMF stop. Stop digging further into the hole of embarrassment! Abort mission! Abort!

“When did we meet?”

At that, he blink a few times. Oh fuck. He was not Superhero Chat Noir. He was Civilian Adrien Agreste. Mari was definitely murdering his dumbass tonight. Lightning please strike him down right now. Where was an unlucky lightning strike when you need it?

After a few seconds of his horrified silence, Hot-And-Sexy chuckled (he had such a nice laugh). “You are extremely lucky I already figured out your alter ego beforehand, Chaton.”

Before Adrien could even unwrap that statement, he held out a hand and had a dangerously sexy smirk on his face. “My name is Damian Wayne. Would you care to get a cup of coffee with me?”

And Adrien nodded his head, not trusting himself to speak. He can deal with the superhero thing later when he can think straight (hah!) and is not distracted by Damian’s beautiful smile and alluring green eyes and perfect everything.

.

Guess what?

Ya Boi got game.

(At least, he likes to think he does)

After a successful coffee date (was it a date? Please let it be a date), they exchanged numbers (cue internal squealing) and met up a few times afterward to hang out.

Apparently, Dami was here on business to deal with something for Wayne Enterprises.

“Aren’t you 17?”

“Father believes in preparing us when we’re young.”

Dami was amazingly sweet. Arrogant and pretentious with a stick up his ass but sweet. He treats stray animals with such reverence that Adrien’s heart melt every time he sees it.

It was an added bonus when Damian scorned Lila with cruel words and disgusted looks when she tried to cut in Adrien and Dami’s date(?)/meetup(?)/spending-time-together event.

She cried and whined afterwards and Adrien has to endure his father’s lecture. But it was totally worth it.

Oh yeah. Mari was not pleased that he accidentally outed himself to a civilian. But nothing that a couple of sad kitty eyes can’t fix.

“You are so lucky you’re cute, kitty-cat.” Mari grumbled but she was smiling. “I just need to have a good talk with him on the importance of secrecy.”

.

That day Damian Wayne learned to fear a certain Marinette Dupain-Cheng.

.

It was 2 weeks later when Adrien woke up to a package next to his futon in Mari’s room. When he opened it, he saw the Butterfly and Peacock miraculous inside.

There was a card beneath it. And in beautiful cursive script read: 

I dearly hope you enjoy my courting gift, mon amour. Allow me the honor to formally ask you out on a date. I look forward to hearing favorably from you soon.

- Damian Wayne

He couldn’t believe it.

“Mari! Damian likes me back!”

“Chaton, I swear. It is 2 in the morning.”

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