#but it doesn't feel fucking EARNED
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grayson (2004)
blockbuster: nightwing. i'm so glad you're here. nightwing: what did you do? blockbuster: i'm just tidying up loose ends, but this gives me a perfect opportunity to talk to you about your future... which, as it happens, is going to look a lot like this. nightwing: she's dead. give me one good reason why i shouldn't kill you. blockbuster: there isn't one, nightwing. not one. that's the best part. nor is there a single good reason for me to harm a hair on your head. so you're dick grayson by day, who cares? it's a useful piece of information, but it's not the real secret. nightwing: if you go near any of them, i swear to god, i'll -- blockbuster: oh, yes, i know, i know. that's the secret, the essential truth of your nature. you could take every beating i could dish out. you might even enjoy them. you have absolutely no regard for your personal safety. but the people around you--well! that's a different matter. isn't it? i'll take out the people you care about--hell, even strangers you stand next to on the street--you won't be able to shake someone's hand without marking them for death! do you like being alone, dick? nightwing: shut up, rolly, just shut up! blockbuster: i'll make sure you can't save any of them. i'll make sure you relive, over and over, your failure to save my mother! which has now become your failure to save your relationship--your circus--the residents of your building--ms. michaels-- tarantula: get out of the way, nightwing. all you have to do is get out of my way. blockbuster: but he won't. don't you see, you stupid girl? this very moment, he's thinking of how to save me from you! even my life is more important to him than his own! and that's how i'll take him apart. loved one by loved one, innocent by innocent. it will never stop. nightwing: [internal: he's right.] blockbuster: it's never going to stop. nightwing: [internal: it's never gonna stop.] blockbuster: i can keep this up forever. [nightwing, internal: it's never gonna stop.] every loved one, every stranger... [nightwing, internal: every mistake i make, every life i risk... it's never gonna stop... ...never gonna stop. never... stop it... STOP.] tarantula: [shoots blockbuster dead.]
vs
taylor #96 (2022)
blockbuster: nightwing is dick grayson. all this time fighting the city's most frustrating rat, and there was another pest behind the mask. like a russian nesting doll on vermin. still, at least i only have to kill one man to be rid of two problems. nightwing: you think i'll go down easy? blockbuster: perhaps not. electrocutioner. brutale. merge on my location. bring more soldiers. nightwing: [internal: that sounds like it will take a few minutes...and that's all i need] batgirl: can you hear me, nightwing? what's happening? your heart rate is elevated and i've lost visuals. nightwing: yeah. sorry. my mask took a hit. batigirl: what? nightwing: it's blockbuster. batgirl: he's there? i'll divert some of the people in the field to-- nightwing: no. haven needs to be evacuated and we're running four separated anti-crime operations. everyone is needed elsewhere. and, honestly, i'm okay with taking him down alone. i feel like i've put this off long enough. i am so sick of men like you. men who could do anything and choose to hurt people. men who have everything and still want to take more. this city deserves so much better-- blockbuster: i am this city. nightwing: ugh. i bet you practise that little catchphrase at home. it probably sounds convincing when you get out of the shower and say it to the mirror, roland, but it doesn't make it true. the truth is, this city is done with you. [...] nightwing: sounds like bludhaven is putting out your fires, blockbuster. the city is fighting you. and we know everything. your arms deal on the docks is done. your people there are in custody. whatever poison you were bringing in on that truck won't ever see the streets. the flash has seen to that. the people being trafficked by cargo plane will be safely on the ground now, thanks to the titans. even boss maroni walked straight into a trap. and weren't you waiting on backup? [...] blockbuster: you're not the first in this city to try to stand against me. those who've crossed me are still out there. they're ringing the city. weighted down in the harbour. but your punishment won't end when your lungs fill with the sea because i know who you are now. and after you're gone, i will break everyone who's ever helped you, dick. the mayor. bruce wayne. your precious titans. everyone you've ever known. everyone you've ever loved. i will find them. all of them. and they will hurt before they die. nightwing: you think you... you think you know who i am? you don't know nightwing, you don't know dick grayson. or you'd know that there's no way in hell either one of us... would let you hurt our friends!
#quotes.#⤷ dick g.【 ❝ we fall because someone pushes us. we get up to push back. ❞ 】images.#⤷ dick g.【 ❝ becoming a crime fighter wasn’t a cure for my grief; it was an outlet. ❞ 】analysis.#genuinely the way that i don't need to label which volume grayson's book is at in these quotes LKJADLFAJSLDFJ yikes#the issue is that taylor is writing a fix-it for grayson's arc#but it doesn't feel fucking EARNED#dick barely struggled in this arc#this last battle against blockbuster in taylor's comics is just like it's another tuesday???#his motivation was boring#his reason for wanting to kill dick was boring#the way that he didn't even understand where to hurt dick the MOST was boring#the most interesting thing about blockbuster was that he KNEW dick#he knew how he worked he knew what would and could break him#and even though he died HE STILL WON#that is soooooooo much more interesting than this feel good crap with no stakes#like YES bludhaven is on fire but it's immediately mitigated by the fact that people are killing the fires#vs blockbuster burning down haly's circus AND blowing up dick's apartment building#killing EVERY SINGLE PERSON IN THAT BUILDING but ONE#that's crazy THAT'S STAKES#it made us FEEL that last fight#i hate taylor for a lot of things but goddddd he's such a boring ass writer it's annoying as shit#i'm so sorry to anyone who likes taylor and his comics but also HOW#also i was going to do a visual side by side instead#but it was too jarring and was not perfectly even so ///:#maybe later
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Why is the anime so weird, it's not even the same series dude?? It's like,
Anime:
GOKU: I have a great idea to bring peace to the universe, and my leadership and compassion alone will unite us all. I have No Flaws and am A True Relatable Everyman :)
VEGETA: NO! I AM THE BEST AND I WILL CAUSE PROBLEMS UNTIL I AM RECOGNIZED AS SUCH!!!!
Manga:
GOKU: Vegeta what's cornmeal made of? I know it's what the corn eats, but what's it made of? VEGETA: Hey Kakarot let's play the quiet game until one of us dies.
#dbtag#I do not understand this writing it's so bad aklsdlkasjd#Toei wants Goku to be Clark Kent SO bad and he SO isn't lmao#they're so good and dumb and rounded and complex in the manga what is the anime so afraid of#Toriyama said 'no no this man is a detached faux-immortal who has a dear pure heart but he's childlike and selfish even though he's kind'#and toei went 'got it goku's never done anything wrong ever in his life'#toriyama said 'Vegeta's gone through a lot and he's finally settling into his more mature leadership role with the confidence he's earned'#and toei said 'got it vegeta has the confidence of a high school bully except now he can interact with his family as a comedy bit'#girl hWHAT#Toei trying to group Goku and Vegeta as two people who would rather train than be with their families and Toriyama said NO Vegeta wants#to be HOME this is the first time in years that he's HAD ONE and it makes him HAPPY to be with his wife and children!!#Vegeta trains so that he can protect the things he doesn't want to lose again and Goku trains because it's the thing that makes him happies#They are NOT the same lmao And yeah Vegeta still wants to beat Goku but he also knows that Gohan could dogwalk both of them if he wanted#He also knows Trunks and Goten are going to surpass them it's not about being the best anymore he's past that he just wants to Not Need Gok#He just doesn't want to have to rely on Goku to save the day he wants to be Enough on his own he just wants to know he can be#because every time it's mattered he WASN'T and people he loved were lost to his inability to protect them and he carries that#Like Whis diagnosed him with anxiety and cptsd out in the open and Beerus said he was self-centered for feeling guilt#+ he lowkey enjoys the rivalry it keeps him goal-oriented so he can't get complacent and lazy which is what triggered his Buu Saga breakdow#realized how Fucked Up it was that having a home and loving family made him feel like he was failing and went 'wait no I won actually??'#now he's chill as fuck in the manga. cool confident leader.#and sometimes he is childish and dumb with Goku as a treat#you know what rocks about his rivalry with Goku in Super though is that it's Playful. Vegeta is learning how to Play.#You ever seen a shelter dog get introduced to a really playful dog and it takes a minute for the shelter dog to understand it's safe here#And then they're both running around the backyard playing hot potato with one braincell?? That's Goku and Vegeta's relationship#and the way the anime sleeps on that dynamic is so fucking criminal especially when it's literally canon it's in print it's out there#you had the playbook how'd you fumble it this bad#anyway that's my 25+ year blorbo thoughts I love Geets a lot okay#And I love Goku in the manga a lot I'd forgotten that he's actually a great character when Toei's not fucking up his whole vibe
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Atsushi for the ask game.
ATSUSHI HERE WE GO THANK YOU FOR HEARING MY PRAYERS
Favorite thing about them: HIS SELFISHNESS. It's so so delicious to explore. Can you imagine a protagonist that saves others not out of simple good will, but because of egoistic self-preservation motives? It just feels counterintuitive for me lmao, and I found it quite messed up when I first watched the anime, but now it's so compelling to explore. His whole “everything I do is in order to gain the right to live” is crazy fashinating. Because lol, that's entirely nonsensical to me! There's no such thing as “gaining the right to live”; all humans, every person in the world is inherently deserving of life. All. No exception. So there's no level of “weak” or “worthless” that would make you lose that right. The fact that's it's a vision so distant and absurd from mine, idk, it just makes it very compelling to explore? “What if there was a little fucked up guy who believed the right to live had to be earned” just sounds like a very interesting premise.
Least favorite thing about them: When I first watched the anime, I think I found him low-key annoying? I just... Don't do very well with self-deprecating people and people who complain a lot in general, I usually suffer in silence and tend to (wrongly) assume others should do the same (this probably makes me sound pretty mean, I swear I try to be understanding irl). However, it doesn't bother me as much anymore, I simply think it's more of a distinctive trait of the character that makes him multilayered and unique. As of now, I can't think of anything I don't like about him if not the fact that I wish he'd rely on Dazai and others in general a little less. I know that has to do with his lack of self-worth, so maybe it makes sense,, but as of now he feels kind of stuck. I just wish we'd see him grow more on that front.
Favorite line:
There may be better ones, but I really like the delivery of this one.
brOTP: KYOUKA AND ATSUSHI they make me go insane. Already talked about this in the Kyouka post but just to reiterate: in my headcanon Kyouka really is the only person Atsushi feels genuine, selfless affection towards. It's very sweet. They're siblings. Kyouka's happiness is really important for Atsushi. They really do have that feeling of people who got out of an abusive environment learning what normality is supposed to be like together. I also really like how they compensate for what the other lacks, be it decisiveness and coolhead for Atsushi and empathy and positivity for Kyouka. Although plenty shipping them romantically, I really like platonic sskk and atsulucy as well.
OTP: I really like sskk eheh. I think they're neat. There's a thousand and one reasons why I find them pretty great. They're objectively the only reason why I got invested in bsd as well as the only thing that has me keep up with the franchise to this day. Right now, I feel like the one thing I really appreciate about them is how you can be the worst person in the universe and still somehow be loveable to someone. I think it's sweet. I also find it very fun and enterataining to explore their various soulmatism antics. They're both very complex and multilayered characters with something deeply wrong with how their minds work that makes them very fun to analyze both by their own and in the complexity of their relationship. Their collective story arc and canon relationship progression is extremely engaging and nice to follow, too. I love dazatsu and atsulucy as well!! Both were ships I wasn't particularly invested when I read the manga for the first time, but really grew in me in the last six months or so. I really dig akuatsulucy as well!!
nOTP: Nothing?
Random headcanon: He really likes reading. There's some real meta-analysis to be made here I actually had written this is probably not the right place to talk about, but in a work that's all about literature, he's the character who reads.
Unpopular opinion: He's the hardest character to write / characterize. That's why people should probably go easier on other fans when they mischaracterize him. He's just very multifaceted and genuinely hard to get. I keep seeing people being like “Stop babyfying Atsushi he's an independent adult!!” then turn around to say “he can't be shipped with Dazai because there's too much unbalance of power :// [somewhat implying Atsushi can't make free decisions for himself]”, or “Stop making of Atsushi a soft baby who never did wrong in his life!!!” then turn around to say “Atsushi is the happy puppy of the agency who gets treats and pats from everyone ^^ ” like. At least to me, a lot of people's arguments sound self-contradictory all the time; but that doesn't mean people should stop having fun and characterize the characters as they like! Just, let's stop being mean to each other and try to be a little more accepting towards others' takes, shall we? And yes that also includes letting people find Atsushi annoying if they find him annoying (although like, I've NEVER found anyone call Atsushi annoying ever, so really, what remote fandom spaces is everyone visiting? Why are you looking for clothes (good takes) at the soup store (Tik/tok I assume?) ).
Song i associate with them: Common World Domination by Pinocchio-P, HIBANA by DECO*27, Ghost Rule by DECO*27, so on and so forth.
Favorite picture of them:
Favourite panel from the manga:
Favourite illustration: Look, there's too many beautiful illustrations, I can't chose. Here's a very good one though.
Favourite illustration in the anime art style:
But also:
Favourite Mayoi card:
Send me a character?
#Btw I think the author does truly believe that people have to earn their own right to live and that#“people can't live unless someone tells them ‘it's okay to go on’ ”#Which is all sorts of fucked up for me and just goes to the encyclopedia titled Reasons Why I Strongly Disagree With Bsd Morals#But taking the character Atsushi on its own out of the context of which worldvies bsd does or doesn't enable.#I think it's very compelling to explore a character who thinks like that!!#Of course‚ feel free to disagree with my interpretation of the text#atsushi nakajima#bsd#mine#people asks me stuff#I feel like with this more than others I have more to say that just didn't come to me...#I have so many headcanons and opinions about Atsushi how can I only pick one!!!
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hot take (? maybe? i don't fully know what the general stance is on this) but i don't think chuuya would've left the mafia with dazai
not because their bond is shallow (sike, fyodor) but because i think chuuya found his grip in the mafia by the time the dark era rolls around. he entered the mafia because of dazai yeah but they both have lives outside of each other still. after everything that happens in fifteen, koyou being in the mafia, and also just chuuya's unwavering loyalty - which he swore to mori, however unfortunately but it's still the truth - i think he would've let dazai go alone.
but there's that other thing though; his bond with dazai. his very significant bond with dazai. that's why i think he would've let dazai go; as long as dazai isn't leaving because of something he did, or plotting to like, burn the mafia down, i don't think he would've been particularly bothered beyond the 'dealing with traitors' business but honestly lets be real if you're important enough in the mafia, being a traitor or threat or enemy means jackshit (tachihara, verlaine, chuuya, even dazai is literally invited back by mori lmao).
i can see chuuya just tsk-ing and waving him off like "you probably have an escape route planned so i'm not even gonna bother pursuing you, won't give you the satisfaction of dying quickly either, you do you bastard, imma go celebrate with wine now, don't die i'm still gonna kill you someday, see ya." or like. you know. some rough approximation of that.
i think if dazai actually told him, considering what i know of his character thus far, chuuya would've helped him leave or, at least, rolled his eyes and looked the other way and do essentially a scripted song and dance of hunting him down with everyone, including mori, knowing full well that a) dazai won't be found unless he doesn't want to be, and b) the only person remotely capable of finding him would just punch him in the face then let him go again
skk would probably just keep up their usual bickering nonsense via randomly breaking into each others places (i.e. dazai because he's now broke and chuuya exclusively breathes designer air) and even if they don't interact for long periods, they would easily slide back into their dynamics whenever they do, as it is in canon except they'd likely manage to be even more in-tune and annoying with each other.
(also the ADA would know about the mysterious rich redhead whose number is listed as "dazai's dog" to call up when dazai is up to his shenanigans so he can come over and kick discipline into him. guessing who the hell he is another one of their mysteries and they know it ties in with dazai's old job, just not how. ranpo cackles everytime he shows up. he and kunikida meet up for lunch to bitch about dazai.)
tl;dr, imo skk could've been skk for the missing four years with chuuya still being an executive and dazai stiill being a detective if only mister cyclops there chose communication over blowing a car up, because i do believe chuuya would've let everything play out the same as in canon except he and dazai wouldn't be cut off the whole time
#first bsd post waw and it's absurdly long as usual#my post#the sigma show#soukoku#dazai osamu#nakahara chuuya#bungou stray dogs#i fully respect and love the “skk pack up their shit and fuck off to the agency together flipping mori off over their shoulders” but#from what i know about stormbringer as well (which i will read soom hopefully even though i've been spoiled to hell)#chuuya suffered so much and finally found a place for himself in the mafia#even when verlaine tried to take him away and all the friends he lost#feels sort of like a “what was it all for if he just leaves?” kinda deal#maybe my opinion will change if i read stormbringer myself idk maybe he fr doesn't want to be in the mafia#we shall see i suppose#i think he'd rather keep the respect he earned in the mafia and stay loyal to his boss#but also loyal to his partner; just not as obviously#they're double black they'd make it work#ANYWYAY i just love chuuya and want him to be happy#with his fancy wine and clothes and relationship with both koyou and his mackerel
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I don't think this is Moe's first offense (saying something brazen/flippant) but I do think it's the first time it's called the King a bitch. And it won't be the last! The funniest part of Anna being the one to take charge and chew Moe out is that it gives Moe the opportunity to do The Exact Same Thing to Alfonse one-on-one (you know... to test the waters... to see how he feels about it....). Which it is. Also promptly chastised for.
FAVE PANELS...
#fire emblem#feh#moe really is. a type of guy. it immediately gets scared when anna first corrects it. so what does it do? dig the hole deeper. double down.#THAT REALLY IS MOE'S BRAVE FACE.... playing dumb or getting oppositional. sometimes both.#but it is NOT confrontational... epitome of i'm just a little birthday boy. EXTREMELY annoying type of guy LMFAOOO#i feel like anna has been v patient w moe up until this point. like this has to be a three strikes you're OUT situation.#and both alfonse/sharena have been such hard working straight and narrow types that. they have never seen anna like that.#I REALLY THINK. it's like. anna is The Literal Commander Of A Military Unit and also given her background#more or less she could have been killed for having an attitude like that. hypothetically. we don't know her background. BUT THEORETICALLY..#i like to imagine it does come from a place of that though.#also moe may be an authority hating shithead but it does VERY quickly come to respect anna actually.#you have to Earn it. be Worthy of it. it sees that anna is extremely capable and skilled and fair. it respects that.#so like... i think it genuinely doesn't want to upset or disappoint her. however... it does have ... moe tendencies.#anyways even though i'm in between a dozen things i just had to draw this out and i'm so happy i did tbh#i don't really know how anna feels about moe. but it IS extremely funny to imagine moe is just torn asunder by her at one point#AND. IT FULLY DESERVED IT. it is taking the L here.#ALSO THE FACT THAT ALFONSE IS PISSED TOO. IT'S SO FUNNY TO ME. moe you just fucked up big time#IT WAS TRYING. TO BE NICE. 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭#fe alfonse#sharena#fe anna#moe tag#summoner oc#my art#my comics#also that is. a whole other comic. moe committing the offense again and getting sternly corrected#until it's like ooooohhh. wait. you actually respect your dad... okay. um. let me think of something else to say#LMFAOOO... i think third time's a charm. it doesn't dare say that to sharena. what if she cries. moe is also gonna cry. and thrup
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apparently i also put tolerate it by taylor swift on my playlist for vene....... i also see it. perhaps in a looser sort of way.
#( 💭 faun thinks )#maybe i'll talk abt some of the songs i put on there for him..... because i can. nobody can stop me in my own home.#with this one in particular probably a controversial take but i see it relating to his close relationships#because... think about it...... a lot of the ppl he's closest to insult him... esp romano... and even germany#that + how i see him having issues w/ self worth given his history of being chased after for his inheritance#+ the fact that he clearly takes words to heart with how much he praises others and seems to love being praised#i think he actually doesn't feel that loved but keeps up w/ trying to be loving because it's all he can really do#acknowledging that feeling of discontent would just create problems he doesn't want to deal with#and doesn't think can be dealt with to begin with#do the people he loves actually love him or do they just tolerate him#also i see parts of this tying into his childhood w/ austria as well#being scolded and bullied despite attempts to Be Good and earn Approval#which i think particularly fucked him up after living w/ rome and being treated overall well#only for him to die and vene to be kicked out into the real world where he was terribly mistreated#i see him feeling like he fell from grace in some way going from being a good kid who was praised#to one who could never do anything right (being a hyperbole)#thus feeling like he has to earn back or maintain that status of being Good#yet also w/ his experience of being sought after for his inheritance... ok losing the point here but i have Thoughts#thoughts i keep in the tags... for now...#keep meaning to make on itapost on this topic but then i get too nervous lol#i've also been wanting to make an itapost on vene's feelings towards rome and how he feels like he has to live up to some standard#in relation to him (but obviously doesn't and how that affects his self esteem)#soon maybe#itaposting
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I haven’t been insane about Vi enough lately so time to pour out some random thoughts. free association thinking time:
been thinking about her “It's my savings. I wanna be rich, okay? So I can travel, eat well, buy cool stuff… So no one can say I can't do something!” And none of the following will really be insightful or revelatory because it’s just what she says here but. yeah! that’s vi! the main reason she’s so big on money is because she has to be to get what she wants out of life! it’s what lets her say no to people telling her what to do, and that’s important to her because she has no choice but to be independent and support herself. because no one else will. No one at the Hive had anything positive or supportive to say about her being an explorer until she went out and did it (to a ridiculously successful degree, too. I have to wonder if/how it might’ve differed if she was on a regular accomplishment level team. not the one leading them all to the mission to the Hive). she never had a choice not to be. I could also see that being a little part of why she starts out not really being a teamwork person. past experiences have taught her she can’t rely on anyone else for support. (does make me wonder about what if she’d met Chubee before leaving the Hive. obviously she still would’ve left, but how might even a bit of support have changed other things?)
I feel like we don’t talk about the fact that The Beemerang Is Also Knives enough
ok so at one point there was this post talking about people with money and how it affects their life like. if you can afford to get a nanny then you can only do the fun parts of childcare and when you stop feeling like taking care of the kid you can just hand them to someone else to take them away. and again likely not especially revelatory but I would guess that’s the kind of way queen bianca handled the bees as her daughters (she does care about them. absolutely. but not in the same hands-on attached way as we usually associate with parents) and thinking about how that kind of treatment would then apply to vi....hm
in universes where discussions of Gender and Pronouns etc happen I think she has moments where she gets frustrated with the everything of Being Referred To and Having Complicated Identity She Hasn’t Quite Figured Yet and is like. gender is cancelled how dare you refer to me. but especially anyone else calls me a girl ever i will be stabbing them
also I think a lot about what circumstances she finds out about gayness/Gender being things. and whether she’s thought about it in herself before and whether she’d been dismissed on it/told it wasn’t a thing etc. most circumstances she ends up angry about the finding out times because of (un)consicious internal conflict stuff
underground tavern stuff implies she was definitely doing quests and stuff for money with them precanon. would kill to know what specifically it was. but also the first talk with utter implies that she was doing stuff off that questboard as well which is even more intriguing. utter’s spy also implies you don’t have to be an explorer to do them but otherwise you would think you did I feel. so again very curious what was up there
#inspired by that girl blorbos post and also me trying to think about where in the game they drop facts and such about precanon stuff w her#the urge to try and fic about the stuff between her leaving the hive and showing up at the association....strong again#'the hive didn't do anything' my ass. vi might have also been a jerk but it's just that she was the more obvious#easily labeled incident version of it. she was active while her treatment was the subtle passive neglect type of bad treatment#complex situation and also. yeah#an aquila original#vi bug fables#bug fables#also featuring funky gender lesbian stuff because thats not even headcanon. to me#hopefully the reasoning out stuff doesn't just come out like a load of nonsense#vi's one of those characters where I definitely feel comfortable in writing her on a basic level but some parts I'm super insecure about#and the part with her is in really capturing the complexities of her backstory and family issues#and the thing is it's like. I have to remind myself that some parts of how canon did her on that are actually decent#and I should pay attention to those complexities. but then also canon definitely did some of their 'this hasn't really been earned'#resolution stuff on her. mostly thinking about the postcanon dialogue with Bianca. it's jsut too much of a jump for that for me#and it's not even that I necessarily think bianca's dialogue is out of character. it's that I'm contemplating whether it would've#made more sense for vi to get angry about it. like.#ok so. sometimes i think about what coming out to my family might be like. and I've come to the conclusion that if they were just accepting#despite the fact that it would be best case scenario I'd be angry about it. because they've said some shitty stuff in the past. in general#they've made me feel unsafe about myself. so no actually you don't get to just suddenly be chill about it now fuck you.#it doesn't change the past hurts#and I could see Vi being like that too. even if part of her is happy about getting what she wanted to start with she's pissed about#only getting it now. with a side helping of also wondering if the approval /now/ is only because she's been so successful about it#what if she hadn't been so specially favored by elizant? what if she hadn't been on the team that saved the world? why did she (maybe) have#to earn the approval she should've had from the start?#also not gonna get into this one right now but tweaking her story with jaune to acknowledge that theyre both at fault in different ways#(again). would be nice#but now I'm definitely veering into repeating myself type rambling territory so
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spending my whole life trying and trying and trying and trying to be good enough for people who don't give a fuck about me
#im so tired living seems pointless why am i doing this what is the reason#the firm i work at is going thru a merger so it's releasing all the interns except 2#i went into her office and said that id like to stay here bc my dad said so bc i got in cause he was friends with the head#and she said ill think about it based on performance ive not decided yet#and this other guy he went in to tell her that cool he'll leave and she told him that she was hoping that he'd stay#he literally does nothing but play games on his phone he doesn't work at all#i have no idea what he has that i don't#but just. im stuck like this forever right never ever good enough for people i like or care about#not for parents they have a diff fav child not for ex gf not for bestie who has a boyfriend much better at loving her than me#not for that one guy who rejected me in interview bc i don't read the newspaper and didn't know the date of the finance act#im so fucking sick of this i never even wanted to this fuckinh course and obviously even my best isn't enough and ofc im not good enough#for anyone in this field and ill just struggle and struggle and struggle all my life just to earn some fucking money so i can live away#from my sociopathic parents#and the worst part is that i can't stop feeling like maybe it IS me yk maybe i am the problem maybe im not trying hard enough#but how else am i supposed to handle this i prioritize my studies and lose all my friends i prioritise my friends and fail in d#exams#and the trauma keeps on coming every fucking day bc sociopathic parents but i jsut push it down and say not rn i will cry at night anx then#never cry#i wish someone would just tell me that idk you're wrong you're not made for this you really do have some mental illness and you're really#trying your best and do something that's easy and that you love doing#oh god this is now a ventpost#mes
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so many of you talk about the cruel adults in your childhood that negatively effected you and caused lifelong insecurity yet you're still perfectly fine with being that mean stranger to any kid that has the misfortune of existing around you and thats just really gross !!!
#like i get kids can be overwhelming for a various amount of reasons but its not going to kill you to treat children with basic human decency#adults can be just as overwhelming or annoying—if not more. yet if you talked to an another adult the same way you do to a kid#then ppl would fucking hate you and not want to be around you because youre not being cool and witty—youre just mean!!!#everyone has experienced the frustration of being a kid being mistreated by an adult. some more than others#rather its ignoring your bodily autonomy (from sa and assault to hugging you when you don't want to be touched to not letting you#make your own harmless choices like a haircut or whatever). everyone has been talked down to or had their opinion treated like its nothing#or that their thoughts or input doesn't matter. everyone has a childhood experience with a mean or judgemental adult#yet over and over ppl are fine just repeating that cycle of abuse and hatred#like youre a young adult and youre still getting treated like shit by older ones. but youre able to have a drink or you graduated or smthn#so now you feel like you earned that right to be judgemental & angry & mean to a group of people that didnt fucking do anything to you#anyways. this is because im sick and had to go to the store to get groceries and meds#so its a 20 minute walk to the nearest store in 108 degrees bc i dont have gas money and then in the store im ofc using a face mask#like im sweaty and feel disgusting and like shit but this kid was SO fucking excited about his spiderman toy and wanted to talk and#his mom said ‘i told you no one wants to hear about that crap leave her alone’ and like?? no fuck off let a kid be happy?? hes not fucking#doing anything wrong?? so we talked and he showed me the little tiy that lights up and asked if i saw the new spiderverse movie#and i told him i havent! so he asked why so i explained i have photosensitivity and what that means and why i cant see it#(‘even though i heard its super cool!’) and HE WAS SO SWEET... like immediately hid the toy because oh! flashing lights can hurt me!#and then immediately said dont worry because he'll tell me about it so its like i saw it instead!#and like. guys imma be honest with you. i stilm got no fucking idea what this movie's plot is.#but you bet your fucking ass i was pretending like i was following along & was going ‘no way!’ ‘so it's a parallel universe...?’ ‘oh wow!’#like yea its unnecessary. i felt oike i was gonna collapse and im still struggling to breathe at home now. but also i been the kid#who just wanted to talk about my interests and no one wanted to or was dismissing it.#i know it's not a end of the world deal but i also know that crushing feeling. you gotta be the kindness you want to see in the world yknow#anyways. be nice to kids or im not going to be nice to you. they're one of the most vulnerable members of our society and deserves kindness
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wow
I sure do love signing into a class and getting a video from my instructor aggressively insinuating that myself and my classmates are idiots because he was using a very specific definition of the word teamwork, that was not ever in the book we're reading from, for our last assignment. So far the course has been us independently reading parts of the book, uploading our presentations that are based on a bare-bones rubric then the instructor boomer yelling at us in a video about how we're idiots for not understanding the exact and unspecified definitions he has for things (oh and it all has the underlying flavor of that kids these days need to be more independent and to stop being 'soft' ignoring that this course is supposed to be teaching us things rather than confirming that we know things)
#he reminds me of my dad (derogatory)#it really feels like he sets us up with an assignment knowing that we're going to fail it in some way and instead of doing anything to#keep us from failing or to help guide us around those spots he is waiting gleefully in the wings to call us stupid#this last one was how he doesn't do group projects because there will be slackers and he went about it in the worse kind of way#instead of focusing on how no group projects means that everyone can individually earn their grade he went for the angle of it's to#punish slackers#so yeah#very much a course I don't want to repeat especially if this is the only instructor for it#school stuff#and yeah I might be a bit sensitive to being called stupid (see my first tag for a clue) but fuck man this is borderline not professional#the underlying message that I'm receiving from it is 100% not but the way he's saying it skirts on the professional side technically#looking forward to writing up the course evaluation for this one but he'll probably take the negative reviews as a badge of honor#he's got the same feel as a teacher who is proud a bunch of students fail their class#because that means the content of the course is difficult or whatever
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Give up on making gifs for now. Will say tho that the only wizards who get a pass with Aylin after everything she's been through are Rolan, Gale, and wizard Tav / durge.
#OOC / HOLLY.#Rolan's listed first because he's her favorite she told me herself#kdsljfh no really if we're talking good end Rolan who defies Lorroakan to defend her#Aylin respects the hell out of him#he was in a no-win position#he stood to lose everything by turning against Lorroakan#who tho she doesn't know the full situation she knows is his master#I feel like we can assume he saw her in Act 2 but like#she's a stranger to him. she's nothing to him.#yet he gives everything up in an instant to do what's right fully believing it will fuck him over for life#Gale and Tav / durge at least have their party behind them#Rolan in that moment has no one#and it's not even that he refused to help and stood by or left! no he actively partook in the fight! he put his life on the line!#she respects that so much and is grateful for it#Aylin: pox upon all wizards! they are a blight upon this world!#Aylin: not you Rolan you're an angel and I'm thrilled you're here ❤️#sdfhgkjlh exaggerating obvs but he's earned a friend in her for sure
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every time I see someone with a doctor who take or theory or anything that puts any weight whatsoever on 13s run I like immediately stop reading and just skim the rest of it. No hate to them I just
- didn't like the run
- gave up watching it during the timeless child arc cause the lore inaccuracies pissed me off
- generally ignore its existence cause it's easier
#to me everything osst like her first season is not canon sry#i didnt like the direction the show took i didnt like thewriting style or the general production style#it kinda felt like a weird dream id have when i was ill and had just been watching a bubch of dr who#also im a jay exci fan forever and always so the 5 Hour Dr Who Video Essay is a big part of my dislike#they made some great points and put ibto words loads of vague feelings id had about the series in a way i really liked#i only realised recently that a lot of dw tumblr is actually way into 13s run lmao so maybe this is a controversial take#but if it is then BREAKING MY SILENCE EXCLAMATION MARK EXCLAMATION MARK SHOCKED FACE SERIOUS FACE F WORD FACE#sorry non dw mutuals for putting more dw on your dash also trust me on this im really correct and cool and you agree with me B)#i also really hope this doesn't come off as passive aggressive towards anyone other than chris chibnall idgaf what you guys vibe with#anyway#dw#doctor who#look. chibnall made some wild lore decisions in his run that imo he did not by any means earn. so for that fuck you chibnall
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how do i tell my mother that coming into my room calling me "lazybones" if i'm still in bed at any time past 7 a.m. for YEARS has done near-irreparable damage to my self-esteem and created shame about being able to just fucking relax?
#but she can rot on the couch playing mahjong on her ipad all day it's fine#i don't feel at all angry when i come home dirty and tired from work#and she tells me i'm making dinner#while she sits curled up on the couch with a cup of tea and a book#sure mom. let me just take a shower and i'll get right on that#but please do let me know how hungry you are five times while i'm trying to scrape together some energy#i need to get out of this house#some small part of me kinda hopes she just doesn't come back from vacation#and. and .#as i'm giving her a VERY NICE vacation pedicure last night#she goes 'hey could i maybe use your hardcase on this trip? it'd just be easier in a customs search'#oh the brand new really nice hardcase suitcase that you got me for my birthday? that one?#not one of the four other suitcases you own?#sure. go ahead and take it#anythign else i can get you queen?#my belongings are not my own#my life is not my own#my time is not my own#yes i know i have control issues but i think i've earned them a little bit#i never learned to set boundaries and could never say no to my mom without being reprimanded#and i feel like a shell of a person because she's belittled my individuality if it doesn't conform to her worldview#and i feel like i'm dangling this husk in front of people and saying 'yep this is me. my whole essence'#all because i can't say no to her taking my fucking suitcase like it was never really mine to begin with#like she's just entitled to all my shit#i'm fine. i have a meeting with my therapist next week. i'm fine.
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what do you think the best case scenario is for jean and harry's relationship post-martinaise?
okay so not to be Like That but i do have one fic up about this with another one currently in the works
but anyway. obviously their relationship is never going to go back to the way it was. there was just SO MUCH between them that they have no hope of restoring with harry's amnesia, and also jean knows rationally that things shouldn't ever be the way they were again. it's not like they were ever supposed to be that way anyway.
in the best-case, i think it takes MONTHS for them to even start to bridge the gap, and harry has to initiate it. jean is done being the one reaching out, being the fixer, overlooking things. IF harry wants him back, as a friend or anything else- and secretly jean wants him to want him back, but he'll never admit that- he has to take the first steps and do the work. so first harry has to put in the work to recover (if harry kept using drugs, i don't think jean would care, but he'd have to kick the alcohol) and then harry has to put in the personal work and learn how to communicate properly and respect boundaries. even when he starts trying i think jean pushes back for a while and harry has to take his turn being the bigger person and let jean complain or shut him down or whatever and not bitch about it or start a fight, because that will just push jean away more.
best-case is that harry passes these little trials of jean's, and they finally sit down and have an actual conversation about everything and clear the air. i don't think it's a pretty conversation, but they (jean mostly) says a lot of things that have needed to be said for a long time. assuming this goes to jean's satisfaction i think they agree- harry gets ONE more chance to stay on jean's good side.
buffered by the few months of jean REALLY hating harry and resenting him and being jealous of his second chance and all that, i think a friendship between them has a better chance to be healthy at this point. harry is ostensibly working on his shitty habits and behaviors, and now harry probably has kim (and possibly others) to talk to, which takes a lot of the burden off jean, because imo one of the biggest issues harry and jean had was a lack of distance. they just couldn't get away from each other, and ended up not wanting to. so now they have an opportunity to keep a healthy buffer and *choose* to engage, which also allows them to step away from one another if things get heated. yes, they'll definitely still clash sometimes, but it's a lot easier to deal with when they can just agree to leave the argument there and not speak until they've gotten over themselves.
the best-case requires harry to do a lot of personal work but assuming he does do it, i do think he and jean could go back to being friends. their new relationship would definitely start off very rocky and tentative- mostly harry is afraid to ruin it again- but given enough time i think harry proves it's for real this time and they can come to actually trust each other and be comfortable around one another.
#there's a lot of capacity for hurt in that first year or so of their new attempt at friendship#no matter what jean just can't get the old harry out of his head#like harry has some kind of crisis and jean's instinct is still 'he's doing this for attention :/'#jean is still in this mindset of 'fuck harry he hurt me so i can hurt him back' and it takes a lot to get him out of it#he's not super comfortable being a shoulder for harry to cry on for a while because he's just holding his breath#waiting for the other shoe to drop. for months he doesn't believe harry is capable of getting better#and he's justified given harry's old attitude but like. post-amnesia harry is a different person#and he can't come to terms with that right away#once harrys earned trust back though theyre menaces.#harry holding jean in the most annoying bear hug on earth like#'hi everyone this is my beeest friend jean he loves me soooooooo much he'd never say anything mean to me'#jean pinches harry as hard as he possibly can like 'let go of me i fucking hate you. fucking moron'#then they go get dinner#thats a minor hc of mine. in their repaired friendship jean stays playfully aggressive towards harry a lot#but harry feels he needs to be a little more careful so doesn't do that much. although he does taunt jean a lot regardless#kiwipost#ACTIVATING MY MENTAL ILLNESS!!!#harry: this is my bestie jean. i made him a friendship bracelet but threw it in the trash#jean: this is my rescue dog harry. i don't kick him as much these days even though i really want to#(they are best friends. jean won't say so)#jean vicquemare#harry du bois#ask#jv meta#hdb meta
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*feels unsatisfied by The Witcher season 3 and the way it was told and edited and how everything in the end feels the farthest from earned anything could ever be* Hmm I better watch 15 different hour-long video essays about it so I can understand what it is Exactly that makes me so angry and unsatisfied about this show!
#i am feeling Very Normal about this#that said I'm currently watcjing 'Netflix's Witcher doesn't understand Destjny' by Alien Platypus#and he is really going in on the underlying themes of the books and the show and how the framing they used in the show kinda fucks it#it changes the story about how destiny is Not what drives people it's that people's choices and bonds drive them together#and That can lead to destiny but never the other way around because that's not earned#as in it doesn't earn the bonds the characters say they have#the show doesn't Show us that it only tells it by saying it but not by letting us actually feel it by showing it aaaah#f Uck#I really really want to read the books now tbh#anyway might link to this video essay in a reblog once I've finished watching it#the witcher#the witcher s3#this video essay was made before season 3 was even out but it's tackling the series as a whole and showing the underlying problems#that were already present in season 1 and 2#very insightful#colorousme says things#i forgor what my original tag was#ALSO THE PACING IN SEASON 3 FUCKING SUCKED AND THAT'S WHAT HAD ME GO hmm why does this suck....
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//thinks about tweek's internalized ableism. puts my head in my hands. sobs
#hc :: ( tweek )#//i use a lot of ableist slurs/language in tweek's internal monologue in his replies#//and i should hope it doesn't come across as like... me saying that it's OKAY to refer to him as those things#//it's just that he's so /used/ to being called 'crazy' and 'spazz' and 'stupid' etc etc that he's absorbed a lot of those things himself#//as a teen / young adult he regularly refers to himself as crazy / insane / psychotic (derogatory not the clinical definition)#//he puts himself down about his mental health a lot#//i recently responded to a thread from toastie's henrietta where she refers to tweek as intelligent#//and if she said that out loud to him he would be like HUH?#//henrietta: i think tweek is smart#//tweek: ............... are we talking about the same tweek?#//but he IS smart :'( he's so smart in his own ways#//also the fact that he doesn't have a formal education like a lot of his peers do gets to him#//he feels like he ''missed out'' and is ''lesser'' than a lot of people bc he had to drop out of high school#//EVEN THO EARNING A DEGREE HAS FUCK-ALL TO DO WITH INTELLIGENCE... GOOD LUCK MAKING /HIM/ BELIEVE THAT THO#//as he gets older he gains more confidence and he stops being as viciously ableist towards himself as he once was#//referring to him as 'crazy'/'psycho'/etc will get you narrowed eyes and a warning to knock it off EVEN if he likes you#//especially if he likes you#//if he doesn't like you he might just knock you out LKFDJSKJDF
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