#but it could also end up horribly wrong
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oot zelda doodle i liked :’-)))
#tloz#ocarina of time#oot#zelda#my handwriting is very very bad so i actually added alt text/image description#which i should already be doing with everything anyway. i wanna go thru and update some old stuff with that too#but yeah anyway. all the stuff this series presents about being Fated To Be Something or Fated To End Up Somewhere#even if that thing or place is ultimately Horrible and the consequences primarily occur off camera or post-canon after the Happy Ending#characters who end the story with pretty much nothing and also you find out later they inadvertently cause a far worse disaster#than even the one they gave up everything to prevent#oot zelda’s infinite number of issues and almost guaranteed lack of happiness or normality for the rest of her life#even after ‘fixing everything’ in literally the best possible way she could figure out how. given everything she knew#and then blaming herself for accidentally allowing everything to go wrong in the first place. by trying to fix it#and she was literally just a kid going insane from prophetic visions while simultaneously being disbelieved by everyone around her#except impa but she’s a whole other situation entirely. with a whole other set of baggage on the other end of the spectrum#i just rambled sos so much oops. anyway yea oot zelda#its fine. i throw up when i think about her. its fine
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requested by @lexkent: the scene in "Shattered" where Lana sees Lex on the ground in the stable sitting curled into himself, and she looks anguished to see him in such a state, and she's so kind and compassionate to him
+ bonus Lana, after literally almost dying:
#thank you erin for requesting this because these scenes are incredibly underrated#like the moment where lana hands lex the drink and he smiles up at her with such an innocently adoring look....... many thoughts head full#(yes I know it all goes horribly wrong right after that but shhhhh)#she's just soooo soft and gentle and sweet with him and it's hitting all the best hurt/comfort buttons in my heart 🥺#just look at all the comforting touches!! lex almost never receives that kind of genuine affection/positive physical contact from other ppl#I think it's also worth pointing out that lana decides at the end of the ep that being around *clark* is dangerous and she should avoid him#but she never expresses a similar sentiment towards lex or blames him at all for what happened#and a few episodes later she even tells him that he could have visited her while she was recovering#......god I still can't get over the fact that her first words when she wakes up in the hospital are 'how's lex' like I really could cry#she's the best and I won't hear a word to the contrary#smallville#smallvilleedit#svedit#lana lang#lex luthor#clark kent#lexana#dcmultiverse#sv 3x08#my gifs
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#WHAT THE FUCK#WHAT THE FUCK IS HAPPENING THIS YEAR I SWEAR TO GOD#between my mother and brother (and my own) terrible horrible health and various illness going everyday for the worst#between my job that turns out can't pay me#between every. single. fucking. horrible thing that happened this year.#now we get to also be robbed#we are broke as shit#can't fucking srrive to the end of the month with THREE GODDAMN PAYCHECKS#and they get into our home and stole from us#made my dog fucking terrified and my brother WAS FUCKING SLEEPING#they could have beat him up. god.#yhey could have killed my dog#what the fuck#what the fuck did we do wrong that we are ao goddamn restless with all this bad luck?!?#i am in shambles and quite honestly traumatized from this fucking horrible year#im so fucking ttired
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i think human nature/family of blood is a really good two parter in how it manages to show how full of shit ten is 🫶
#look . i LOVE ten . esp whatevers going on w him in s3 he's horrible and i like that#but just !! martha :(#its so incredibly unfair to martha he doesnt unleash his wrath on the Family he chooses to hide instead and okay yeah fair#and sure u can say the tardis chose the setting and time period for them to hide in but like#did that not filter in to his calculations he went through all that turned himself human put his friendship with martha to the test in#the worst way possible. knowing she wouldn't let herself leave him even if he was Abhorrent towards her (and he was) because#of her duty to the universe and beyond and whatever . to blend in and keep the Family off their tails#and she's put in a demeaning position and degraded and even he doesn't seem to care much for her but she still hangs on#and then in the end its like its all for naught. all that pain and suffering martha went through being the only one w her wits about her#he had the capacity to deal w the threat the whole time he had the ability to dole out a horrible punishment he could definitely#have dealt with them a different way than that too .#and instead in his quest to be the bigger person he ends up putting martha through the horrors and then#does the same with the Family anyway ! i dont think he can ever tell her how harshly he dealt with them#surely this isnt an original thought im just thinking Way too much about blue moon by niki#he Does care more about being good than being good to her specifically !! and its so upsetting theyre so volatile i miss them#its more complicated than that sure but at the same time. it sort of isnt .#anyway martha jones my love my life u deserved at least a billion apologies alongside the thanks like god . whats wrong w him#oh and also he wants to move on without properly talking about it . act as if it never happened#like girl be fucking considerate for ONCE she just went through a personal hell for you !!! how insanely lonely she must of been#i dont believe martha ever let him just brush past it w no acknowledgement like yes i think she definitely didnt want to discuss the#accidental confession but i Do think she would sit him down to finally get him to Accept he cant just take her wherever in the past#if he's not ready to look out for her . its a vital conversation i think they need to have otherwise martha would just walk out there#not even love could make her stay through that its been established already she has the strength to try walk away#and also to try and but through his bullshit and demand answers . and here more than ever she deserves his acknowledgement and he Knows it
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#okay i feel terrible because i ended up asking for my cleaning job tomorrow to reschedule to next week#i was just sort of getting some bad vibes i feel like#i like just yeah overall v nervous#and also feeling like it may be above what im able to do right now and they were really giving me much information#a part of me is like is this person trying to lure me into their house to kill me lol#anywah i asked if we could reschedule because i had something come come up for tomorrow#and im going to ask my therapist what to do#on monday!#but basically im just terrified at the fact that i cancelled so last minute because i feel like i cant do stuff like that#when starting a business#but anyway i feel such a sense of relief for cancelling and i also have accepted a different job for tomorrow#one that i feel a heck of a lot less scared about lol#idk the other person just seemed like they wanted to get me into their house??#idk how to explain it#is it horrible if they arent bad people for me to cancel like that??#like if im wrong in having a bad feeling#idk!!!!!
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#its seems we really may be at the end of vanity#i missed a call from my dad and thought we might be in a connors birthday situation but no. not yet#he did say that it feels like this is it bc my mom's situation is complicated bc she has so much wrong at this point#its like a h0use md episode. the doctors dont seem to kno what to do and shes not very coherent#so my dad was saying that i should look at flights and by tonight hell let me kno if i should pull the trigger and buy a one way ticket home#it sucks. he sounds rough. i feel so bad for him. his wife of 29 years is dying#its not fair. shes only 53#i wanna be there but im stuck here across the country. i wanna go home. thats a bit frighting tho bc itll take me at least 10 hrs to travel#and i dont want her to die while im in the air but i also dont want her to suffer#i hope she gets better but if she doenst i hope its fast. there dont seem to do any good options. shes so tried and its so complicated#and if she does get better than this then what would that even mean? my sister says it doesnt feel like there will b a better anymore after#this. and bless her to the ends of the earth she reached out this morning and was giving me updates#comforting to kno im not just being dramatic. its actually just really bleak#its kinda funny tho. my sister was like meh it doesnt seem so bad and then like 10min later she was like yeah no i was wrong its sorta#horrible apprently shes been deterorating#god. if i go back home do i take clothes for a funeral? do i keep up to date with my genomics class? will i become offset from my graduate#cohort? will i get my wish to play with legos at home? all questions worth considering#well. ill deal with whatever comes. so it goes. itll b fine. i mean ill b fine#just sad ya kno?#three weeks ago she was alright and saying she could fly out to take care of me after oral surgery#now shes dying#unrelated
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Hm. For a mountain of reasons it looks like I won’t be watching s5
#hi I’ve been away#there’s so many reasons that have been building up to me not watching the end#I didn’t like the direction of the plot of s4#violently disliked the ending#Noah and the Murray man being horrible to Palestinians#disrespect to Eduardo and no support for poc actors#Eddie obviously#I feel like Steve is either gonna die or become a cop and that’s lame#the whole apocalypse thing is just the wrong end of the sci fi spectrum imo#everything about the plot is just annoying to me I could go on#if they’d ended it after s3 I could’ve lived a life of blissful harmony#like I truly don’t care what happens in s5 anymore#and I can’t STAND spoilers but this will be the first time I look to get spoiled just so I can know#I think st has suffered the curse of a show going on for too long#I really coped with fic after s4 and as a result I am disillusioned by canon#also….teen boy queerbait…I shan’t say more
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You know. I'm part of the fraction "to each their own and let people handle their lives however they see best fit". But I do feel the need to say that I have seldom seen such an idiotic assumption as that breaking up with someone four days before someone's birthday when you also want that someone to do something for their birthday even though you know you and your soon-to-be-ex will both have to be there won't end with that person just not doing anything with anyone for their birthday. Partially because nobody wants that kind of awkwardness after a fresh breakup and also because the soon-to-be-ex has the lovely habit of wallowing in self pity and making everything about how they have it so bad. You know I just think in such cases you should've waited a week with the breakup. I don't care how much you want to fuck that other guy but I really think you should've waited a week.
#delete later#sigh why always me...#can't somdone else get the complicated people for once#annoying#the soon-to-be-ex complained today in the group chat that nobody wouod ever go to a pub with him#when that is literally not the case#we would all go? he just never asked? and anytime someone else wants to go party or jusz out 90% of the time the answer is no?#I've known that guy for 13 years now and somehow it just does not get easier#like? anytime someone else asks him it's always “no i don't want to” but then you complain about how nobody would want to do anything#the call coming from inside the house is all I'm saying#'' oh but I couldn't go anyways I wouldn't fit“ ''why? nobody cares about random strangers thats usually not how people work''#'' thats not true'' ''they literally don't care though.'' ''not when that person looks 13'' ''yeah no they still literally wouldn't care''#''they would'' ''they wouldn't. people never do. why would they make an exception for you?'' and then no answer to that#because you can't argue against that anymore without having to confront the fact you're wrong#but then I'm getting told im not empathetic enough#i know i lack empathy I'm aware but I do make an attempt for serious situations. i just don't think stuff like that is serious.#especially when i once mentioend i think my father thinks I'll end up living off of state wellfare and become a disappointment#and the only reply to that was ''how did he arrive at that really likely assumption?'' my brother in christ do not complain to me about lack#of empathy I'm not the one telling people their fears of becoming the family disappointment are well founded and realistic#I'm not even going to excuse that through some ''oh autism'' stuff like no thats just tactless and mean#or all the condescending comments whenever i go out to ''party''#it's just drinking with some people i know it's not really partying#but I'm not the one looking down on people for experiencing stuff#contrary to popular assumption I'm actually really cool and i know that. that's why people ask me to do stuff with them.#because i don't say no 99% of the time and then complain that nobody would ever want to do something with me when that's just plain wrong#i also totally get why she wants to break up#how do you actively refuse to meet your partners friends for half a year and expect that to not become an issue.#how do you actively say you're not interested in doing anything for your partner and expect that to last#how do you whine about being a bad partner but never attempt to do better#i wish i could defend him here but i can't that dude is a horrible boyfriend
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watching alfie become catastrophically enamored with lunter over the course of thanks to them was so fucking funny i LOVE showing toh to new people. everyone gets something slightly different out of it. and it is Literally Always Hilarious.
#there's nothing funnier than a relationship that has half your friends going 'oh theyre like brother and sister :3'#and half your friends yelling 'KISS. KISS. KISS. THEY NEED TO KISS RIGHT NOW OH MY GOD WHEN WILL THEY KISS'#me? i'm right in the middle baybey. best of both worlds i write them being super weird in ways that defy the usual dynamics.#the most essential thing in my luz hunter writing is that no matter where u stand on the sibling-to-romance spectrum#i want it to feel weird. not like i tripped and ended up in some boring '''just friends''' territory between the two dynamics#but that they are far too bizarre and tangled up together for both the romance And sibling truthers. gotta feel a little wrong for both.#and also a little right. their secret fourth thing (being completely fucking crazy people together. something is wrong with them)#i should get up and go grocery shopping now that ive napped a little. is this a risky post. we're not still doing bad faith ship wars right#lunter is good honestly i'm just never going to ship it without amity and/or willow there too. i dont do monogamous ships when i could not.#toh#horrible mindscape trauma pals
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FINALLY finished my outline for prodigal son it’s going to end up way longer than i planned </3
#there’s so much i’m trying to get across without making it ridiculously long#i’m like. trying to make it clear that malc isn’t the driving force here#because he’s a bit older than jamie and jamie’s only eighteen and pretty sheltered so it could seem dodgy#and don't get me wrong i'm not going to NOT write something just because it's objectively shady especially for ttoi#but it’s not like malcolm swoops in and initiates everything. that wouldn't fit the characters#jamie’s a determined wee shit and he’s fucking relentless when he wants to be#it’s more a case of malcolm caving and agreeing to let him into His World as it were#and jamie’s always had this anger and this rebellious streak that leaves him susceptible to doing shady shit#he’s not a kid he’s making his own decisions malc’s just here for the ride#and also like. jamie SEEMS like he’s losing his faith at points but it’s actually getting stronger#i don’t want it to seem like he’s given up god for the sake of following malcolm#he’s just making peace with the fact that his god and the christian god don’t align too well#it's kind of like. malcolm is partly helping him be more honest and brave and do some good in the world#but he's also partly (mostly unknowingly) being a genuinely bad influence too#but all the bad shit jamie's going to end up doing comes from himself. it was already there#because i see jamie and malc as huge enablers for each other. it's their whole thing#and i think it's interesting to show them in my fic being (for the time) very radical and rebellious#and it stems from a genuine desire to a) do good in the world and help people and b) break themselves out of the working class bubble#but by the time they reach canon that has manifested into something quite horrible#their rebellion and radicalism is now used to do bad things that don't even justify the end goal anymore#and now they've broken out the working class bubble they're just playing into the toxic westminster mindset#because that's the only way you survive in the game (or at least in malcolm's case. he ends up with no spine)#because he's willing to abandon his principles if it keeps him and the party in power#and at some point down the line the good intentions get lost to his own ego and need for control#anyway i'm normal#ttoi
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watched tbosas today. needless to say i am obsessed with the red uniform skirt and they should have been wearing those the whole movie. thank you.
#tbosas#much more to say about this movie but thats it for now#actually no lets TALK#they literally changed how the games end which is fine but like how is no one noticing#also um clemensia dropped in got bit and thats it?? bye bye? have fun?#also this annoying bitch in my grade said she hates sejanus in the movie but loves him in the book um please get his name out of your mouth#if you're gonna be speaking filth about my son#ugh#anyways um rachel ate#love how the movie can tell the whole story tho i *am* conflicted about my feelings on how fast paced it was#and then again not seeing his inner monologue is a problem but like it's a movie so idk#also ofc the vibe is different between parts 1 and 2 and part 3 idk why people dont like it i think its cool and like thats the point to se#his evolution#sejanus' death was horrible like i'm sorry the mockingjays reproducing his last cries for help are just.#anyhoo#i will not shut up ok let's keep going#ik that like ppl are simping for tom blyth and as u should tbh same but you COULD NOT CHANGE HIM OR FIX HIM IK ITS A JOKE BUT IT BOTHERS ME#SO MUCH#like ik it's being silly and goofy but it just rubs me the wrong way cause like its not true#also Tigris and Snow's story is so fucking sad kms#also TF WAS THAT MOMENT IN THE ARENA WHERE SEJANUS ALMOST KISSED CORYO WE ALL SAW IT OK#sejanus is not straight at all lmao he spent the whole movie batting eyelashes at coryo but ALSO i love the angst of the marcus x sejanus i#idea i made up#also coriolanus is so fucking goofy like bitch pls “mY oLd SeLf. I kIlLeD hIm To Be WiTh YoU” bestie sit down#ok rant over#yelenaposts#sejanus plinth
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I want to have hope so I can have motivation and courage but I'm terrified of getting my hopes up and hyping myself up only for it to be just crushed into dust. I want to believe but I fear that regretting the joy of it will kill me
#personal#my anxiety is killing me#for context i just decided tonight after talking to my sister that i should apply for an MA course in Hungary#so i could go home and take care of my dog and my family bc I've been worried about them (health deteriorating and close to the end)#and also learn to drive there finally (i don't want to learn in the uk) and relearn my mothertongue (its gone horribly rusty)#and i also am afraid of staying in the uk because of the rising prices i wouldn't be able to afford#but bc of my bf i decided to stay another year after my ba. i still don't know what to do with him but this course is also in English!!!#and we do the same thing so if he wanted to he could apply for it too which would be so cool#but now im scared that i won't be able to put together a good enough portfolio on time and won't get in and im hyping myself up for nothing#even though if i did get in I'd be able to spend time with my elderly family more and help out and see my grandparents before its too late#but im so anxious that it'll all go wrong
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i think the problem (?) is that the only kind of (fictional?) love that interests me is the kind of love that changes the world. the kind of love that derails the narrative, the kind of love that changes everything -- not necessarily by how special or unique the love is but by the very mundanity of it. the love that grows, not in spite of the barren lovelessness of Before, but out of it. i think that's why I'm always so invested in ships that are two people diametrically opposed to each other, or enemies-to-friends-to-lovers, or two people on separate sides of the morality issue coin, because i love it when love... not that it changes a person but it allows the person to Become. the space, the grace, to change. to love the monster, to love the unlovable and the intolerable, is to make it something other than a monster, than unlovable, than intolerable. i love it when being loved at your worst, ugliest, most horrible self is what makes you want to be someone worth loving. like is this ANYTHING to anyone or
#sorry im not here but im thinkin abt fic things and im really just! having some Emotions about things#idk? i see a lot of aspects of myself in villains. whoever you consider a villain. and i think there's a tendency in fandom#that I've noticed for like... years. where when these issues are portrayed in Good People it's always framed in an acceptable way#if they're angry it's never in a way that really hurts anyone - or everyone Just Knows they're going through shit#if they're depressed it's always the sad pathetic kind that makes people want to coddle you and not the kind that made me isolate and#unpleasant to be around#the urge/inclination towards violence to people who did wrong to me is a villainous act#trauma only ever affects Villains in a bad way. and their trauma MAKES them Bad and Evil people who should only ever just die to fix all#the damage they did to people. and idk man! don't you think that's kind of fucked up? don't you think that it's so fucked up to see yoursel#and the ugliness of your trauma and how it impacts you only ever represented by villains. and then the solution is ''they should just die''#and in the rare moments those villains DO get redemption arcs or a second chance or whatever there's a large n frankly horrific portion#of fandom going i want this person dead or (other violent gruesome violating thing) because they're awful and horrible and their very#existence is unforgivable. i think they should die#and it's like i get it. i also get tired of having to see this message constantly blasted into my brain 24/7?#''why do you ship x with x--'' god i dont fucking know#maybe i want to believe we can get better. that people can change.#maybe i want to believe there's no end point where i have to weigh up the damage ive done to people vs the benefits ive brought and decide#i should die. maybe i want to believe that people are inherently good and want to do good and have the capacity for good!!#that we can do better if only someone believed we could!!#maybe i want to believe we're all worthy of love. of someone who will believe in us. who sees something good in us even when we're at our#worst & most unlovable. maybe i want to believe we can still BE loved after all that! idk leave me alone!!#tbd#i added the image bc its how im feelin rn
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i’m panicking about my health, my car, school, my future, my relationships with ppl, about my entire life rn p much
#bumbles (bee mumbles)#as much as i hated my dad i did feel a certain amount of security when i could rely on him for the few things i could#he was like a car necromancer#it would function but just kinda barely zombie like vers#and now that he’s passed almost all at once all the cars and things he’s fixed up are breaking#like he infused his soul into them and they no longer has his ecto goop to hold it together#i’ve been ignoring my health problems bc i really hate going to the dr#idk maybe it’s bc i’m fat but they always dismiss my problems and i really am not mentally strong enough to advocate for myself#i tell them i’m in pain and something is wrong and they do maybe two tests and say we can’t find anything bye#and so i just feel like an idiot for going#bc obviously i’m just making a big deal out of nothing#i don’t want to be doing school this semester after last semester i ended up in urgent care twice bc my stress got to my body so hard#i’m taking less classes/more classes i’m actually interested in#but i feel like i’m gonna fall apart horribly again and i just transferred and feel so aimless#but i also feel extremely obligated to go bc that was the last thing my dad wanted from me before he passed#i feel so fucking stupid his death has effected me so bad he was an abusive monster#i feel so disconnected from my sisters that i was super close with#i fee like i’m talking to a wall of past interactions and neither of us can see who we currently are#i feel like i can’t connect to the ppl around me#i’ve been disassociating too often i accidentally keep checking out which is pissing ppl off#i’m so tired and fatigued and depressed that ppl can’t really rely on my and i fee useless and like a drain#plus i just feel so scared all the time recently like all the worst case scenarios are plaguing me#like scared my car is going to explode or my cat is going to have a heart attack or ppl died while traveling or some freak accident
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22-24/60 Days of Productivity (because I got shit to do before September) | 26-28/07/24
Finished up the report about the evil doings of my manager. The end of an era, etc.
Had a verrry delicious strawberry monster. :)
#catching up on these bc i take those silly little photos to commemorate my silly little life#anyway. back then i was full of relief & also hope.#i have no hope anymore wrt to that place getting any better#would love to be all like “not my monkeys not my circus” abt it but those are my friends :(#and [redacted] is back and grosser than ever! because he knows he will never face consequences for anything he does.#the one manager who took our complaints seriously & encouraged me to hand in my report got demoted as a punishment#so you could say i did end someone's career but it was the wrong someone lol#(he is okay - he says he would not want to work there anymore anyway after everything)#oof#just a very horrible place & situation#H (the good manager) kept saying i did everything i could but idk#i'll still try the union & hr & maybe hiring an assassin i guess#(<- for legal reasons this is a joke)#60 days of productivity
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Zodi/Celeste/Raine is somehow both my baby and also the girl my inner little weird girl looks up to so much she adopts parts of her as her personality
#Making Zodi so into entomology got ME into it enough that I got over my phobia of bees#And now things that I think first that she would like I end up liking myself a bit more than I have in the past#like green apple and coconut smells#Instead of basing your OC off your personality....base your personality off your OC LOL#I'm kidding but seriously the adult version of her I have planned would be the absolute coolest friend to have I think#I think creating her I just took a lot of traits I admire and smashed them into one character#She loves being feminine but she's also super tomboyish#She's wicked smart both in street smarts and academics#She has an ambiguous enough tragic backstory and affliction that anyone with a chronic illness#mental health issues#or has done something horrible and regrets it so so much#would be able to relate to her (symbolically at least)#She's a weird girl with weird interests#She's loyal near to a fault#She can treat most afflictions because her ADHD butt has a special interests in medivial/magic medicine#But she is also far from perfect because she does things WRONG and suffers for it#and tries to right it#And suffers with a lot of jealousy problems and some anxieties#She gets angry and bottles up that anger sometimes till she lashes out#But she's also super forgiving because she KNOWS how doing things you regret feels all to well#Idk I just love her#Im thinking about her and she is by far my favourite girl#I've seriously considered taking her and using her in another story#Like she would still be a Tangled OC but at the same time....I'd also take the exact same character#and build a nice story for her to star in bc she is my baby and something I like this much really should have its own thing#Oh I forgot to mention too that I just really like that she doesn't have much focus on things like kids and romance#Like yeah she COULD she has nothing against it but....why tho?#She could take it or leave it. She doesn't need it so she focuses on her own things.#And I also love that I can like her so much and not be trying to ship her with anyone#that's one of my favourite features about her
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