#but in my defense i've never had a twitter account

[doom-dreaming]

Do you think cortana posted chief for national girlfriends day on the unsc's version of Twitter (he didnt even know about it until weeks later)

It had been nearly two weeks by this point and it only seemed to be gaining momentum. Groups of S-IVs would try to hide their snickering as they passed him in the halls. Whispering Marines would quickly shush each other when he walked into the room. He noticed the sidelong glances, the elbows jabbed into ribs, all the little movements that weren't as subtle as they thought. He'd even caught Roland and Captain Lasky in the middle of a hushed but heated conversation that he, apparently, didn't have the clearance for.

This had been normal when he was still a new fixture on Infinity, but several years had smoothed the edges off his reputation - at least enough that people could relax around him. Or so he thought. A backslide like this was...unexpected. And it wasn't even necessarily the principle of being left out of something that had started to bother him, it was more the fact that everyone seemed to be in on something he wasn't. And that it seemed to be about him.

"Mm, kind of rude," was all Cortana had muttered when he'd brought it up a few days prior. She'd been distracted, deep in the middle of analyzing something for Halsey, and he didn't think much of the dismissal at the time.

But by now, the strange conspiratorial energy aboard the ship had all the trademarks of a bomb about to go off and it was making him antsy in a way he didn't appreciate. "Cortana."

It takes a fraction of a second longer than usual for her projection to appear on the holodeck - a detail imperceptible and inconsequential to anyone but him - but she's bright-eyed and smiling as she materializes. "You rang?"

"You have to know something." He cuts right to the chase.

She sighs. "Chief, you know they put me on restricted access. I don't like it either, but I have to play nice. It's Roland's ship, if you want to know what he sees, ask him."

John narrows his eyes. He didn't believe her for a second. And she knew it.

She holds eye contact as her lips twitch into a barely-contained smirk. "Maybe there's something going around on the socials," she continues with a shrug. "Could be worth a look if it's really bothering you."

**********

The suggestion was still sitting in the back of his mind days later, unheeded. He had more important things to be doing than trawling through message boards trying to find a joke that no one had bothered to let him in on. It always felt like tuning into an unsecured comm. channel - lots of chatter with very little substance.

But he knew Cortana. And she was up to something. Besides, he had a few hours to kill before Commander Palmer needed him in the simulation room. He taps his way into his account, remembering his password with a combination of muscle memory and sheer luck. His inbox is overflowing with messages, but he opts to ignore them in favor of hunting down the threads with the heaviest, most recent traffic.

A thread simply titled 'Girlfriend Day' rises to the top of the list. His finger hesitates over it for a second, unsure if this was the lead he should be following. It seemed unlikely, but none of the other contenders had anywhere near the same engagement numbers... Resigning himself to a potential dead end and waste of time, he opens it.

The initial post is a picture of a young couple, both smiling. The man has his arm around the woman's shoulders. They're somewhere sunny, in civilian clothes. John doesn't recognize either of them and doesn't spend much time skimming the accompanying text before moving on.

He doesn't have to go far. Less than a dozen posts into the thread, he finds a photo of himself. It's not a bad photo, all things considered - it's a nice candid shot, he's cleaning a gun, his helmet sits on the bench beside him - but the rose-tinged filter and tiny pink hearts aren't doing it any favors. It'd been posted anonymously without a caption and he only has to read a few of the comments underneath it for things to start falling into place.

"Cortana..."

The holodeck glows a dim blue for three full seconds before she appears, hands on hips, eyebrows raised.

John silently tilts the screen toward her.

"Do you like it? I thought the hearts were a nice touch."

"Pink's not my color."

"Agree to disagree." She settles into a more relaxed stance. "Who knew one picture could get the ship buzzing like this? Infinity's starving for gossip, apparently."

"Everyone wants to know whose girlfriend I am," John sighs, finally setting the datapad down. "Where'd you get the picture?"

"Took it myself. Last month. It was hard picking a favorite, you know. I went through a lot of them."

"...how many do you have?"

"Oh, thousands. I don't show them to anyone. Well, aside from this one exception." She nods toward the datapad, then crosses her arms in response to the face he can feel himself making. "What, a girl can't have a hobby?"

[protobrieile]

sighhhhhhhhhhh

[romance-of-three-memes]

It's been over 6 years since Dynasty Warriors 9 came out, and 6 years since we've had a new main series entry. We're not getting another main series entry at least as of yet, we're getting Dynasty Warriors Origins, which was revealed in Sony's 2024 State of Play show, which has been remarked to have been an utterly mediocre event (much like this entire generation of tRIpLe A video games). The first trailer is here:

So, what do I think of all this? My overall sentiment can be summed up as follows:

Fuck man, I dunno.

Dynasty Warriors means a lot to me. It means so, so much to me. It's shaped a lot of aspects of my life, my taste in video games, music, characters, and costume design, my academic interests and aspirations, etc. I learned Chinese in college and studied abroad in Beijing largely because Dynasty Warriors stoked that interest in me from a young age. So yeah, I *really* love this series. I *really* am not sure what my life would look like if it hadn't been part of it. And I *really* hate what's become of it.

I want to be excited. I want to be optimistic. But at the same time, I don't, because man, does getting your hopes up only to have them dashed hurt. Nothing last forever, and after the sorry affair that was Dynasty Warriors 9 (the strongest defense I've heard for it was 'it's wasn't as bad as people say' it wasn't AS bad. Yeesh), it's made me wonder if there's really much of anywhere left for the series to go that's interesting.

The formula itself, the 1 vs 1,000 gameplay, has long been ported to other IPs such as Zelda, Fire Emblem, and Berserk, and a lot of them have been great (holy shit I love the original Hyrule Warriors). This proves that the gameplay concept can continue to evolve and be engaging. But Dynasty Warriors as a narrative device for that concept has been pretty played out, and it's not like this is a new observation, anyone who's played more than one or two Warriors games would probably be able to tell you the same thing.

Given the differing gameplay with the whole nameless hero bit and the title it's probably more like (another) spin-off than a main sequel, and that may very well be because the devs don't have much of anywhere else to go with the main series, which may be for the best. I'd rather let something go quietly into the night than watch as it shambles on like a reanimated corpse, although I'd rather it ended on a better note than Dynasty Warriors 9. Something that particularly bothers me is the wording of some of the ad blurbs, like on Koei-Tecmo's official twitter account announcing the game: 'In addition, for the first time in a Dynasty Warriors title, the storyline will be told through the eyes of a “nameless hero.” Play through the historical tale of war as chaos erupts throughout the Three Kingdoms, showcasing the vast lands of China and its most ruthless generals like never before!’

That's *technically* true, but in a very legalese way. This isn't the first time the Warriors series has had an original character with no historical or cultural background being 'the main character' of the game. Dynasty Warriors 4 and most of the Empires games have the option for you to create a player character and play through the game with them, and Samurai Warriors Chronicles is the same deal, albeit that's even more like the premise of Dynasty Warriors Origins because you play as an OC going through the late Sengoku Era. And man, the evolution of the character creation over the years has been pretty amazing. It makes me wonder if this 'nameless hero' is going to be customizable other than changing their weapon (which was showcased in the trailer). I'm going to be really honest, unless that character ends up being extremely compelling and well-written, I'm going to be very put off if we can't customize them, or if there's only a small degree of customization. In Samurai Warriors Chronicles 3 I can make a player character who’s a woman that’s taller than virtually every male character, isn’t stick thin, can wield any other character’s weapon or her own unique weapon, and I can put her in cool armor that isn’t pointlessly sexualized, and I can give her different voices who all give the character different personalities in their lines and delivery, and I give her the overconfident, ruthless voice actress. If you take that degree of customizability away from me after having given it to me on a handheld system from the previous generation, I will lose a ton of interest, Dynasty Warriors Origins.

Another thing that maybe isn't quite as major but still gets me is the announcement tweet on Koei-Tecmo's official twitter account that goes 'Fueled by exhilarating 1 vs. 1,000 action and the rush of massive armies, DYNASTY WARRIORS: ORIGINS delivers an unrivaled sense of realism to the battlefield'. Realism. In Dynasty Warriors. A game series where you play as characters with superhuman abilities and are at a peak physical condition that most people could never hope to achieve. Realism? You think I want realism? You think *anyone* plays this series for realism? One of the best parts of Dynasty Warriors is how flashy and campy it is, and how unabashed it is about that (or how it used to be, anyway). Dynasty Warriors has never, ever been about realism and feels more like chasing trends, since realism has been a buzzword in the video game community for years now (albeit it's quieted down within the past few years, thankfully).

Still, this is just a very basic first trailer. Could it be great? Yeah, I'd love for it to be. But do I think it will be? Most of what little evidence we've been given so far makes me lean towards 'no'. That doesn't mean I necessarily think it'll be terrible, but I also don't really think it will be great.

As much of a cynical, joyless bastard as I can be, I don't get anything out of saying all this. I usually love being right, but not about this. Man would I *love* to be wrong about this. I really, really would. Also, I don't mean to rain on anyone's parade or try to convince them that they shouldn't be excited or should expect the worst case scenario, I'm just throwing my opinion out there. Maybe once we see more my expectations will take a turn for the better.

So I guess I'll end this with the sentiment I began with: Fuck man, I dunno.

[apollos-boyfriend]

my main beef with matpat was the kris/frisk/chara misgendering and the indie dev thing what the fuck did he do?????

like outside of those things you mean? here's the ones i'd listed/instantly came to mind. a lot of things people rag on him about are like OLD old (early 2010s, like the whole "basing pyro's sex off of weird pseudoscience), which is why i won't be listing Every issue i've had because i want to assume he's grown and changed since then, at least with those things. anyways

has a weird tendency of equating video games to real-life murders. the first time i can remember him doing it was with the first ever fnaf theory, where he said it was about the actual murder of chuck-e-cheese employees and that you played as the murderer rotting in hell. which is. weird enough. but that was 2014, nearly 10 years ago, shit happens. however. that was the only time he's done this. it happened again in 2017-2019 with petscop, equating the game to the murder of a 10 year old girl. and, to his full defense, the creator of petscop ALLEGEDLY said that he did start basing his game off of that case, but that he severely regrets it and regards it as an extremely stupid decision. that doesn't make matpat's actions any less weird, because if you realize a game is Actually tied to the killing of a real-life child, just. don't fucking comment on it. it's weird and even the creator regrets his decision to do so.

on a theory about what i think was a alleged fnaf arg, he asked for his followers to help him "discover more clues" by asking them to physically call/visit locations in the real world he believed were connected to this so-called arg. (from my knowledge, this arg doesn't exist btw.) at NO point during the writing, producing, recording, editing, etc of the video did he manage to connect the dots that, hey, doxxing real-life locations for my fans to swarm to is a Bad Fucking Idea, meanwhile every other major fnaf community rushed to shut it down the SECOND his video came out, with large reddit, twitter, etc accounts imploring for fans not to listen to him, and that similar incidents have happened in the past and led to nothing (to the point where scott cawthon himself has had to step in and tell people to knock it off). i can't remember exactly how long it took for him to take it down/call off the masses, but the fact that it even got published in the first place is honestly just inexcusable, both for him and for his team (this was june of last year)

he blamed etika's suicide on cancel culture and has never apologized. the tweet is still up, for some insane fucking reason, although multiple people both close to matpat and close to etika corrected him on completely erasing the issue of mental health (this was 2019)

and lastly, while i've heard rumors of him stealing theories for years now, the only first-hand i've seen was his hermitcraft theory. the original creator of the theory can be found here [link], alongside all his theories, evidence of theft, etc. she has never been properly credited for this, and those who tried to comment on the video to properly do so had their comments instantly deleted. (this was late 2021)

[am-i-the-asshole-official]

AITA for treating some people they way they treated me?

Sorry for bringing twitter drama and for the long ask.

I'm autistic-ADHD and have some past traumas regarding friendships, it's difficult for me to understand some "normal" things as I've been told. Normal things like not replying to a friend for weeks or months, not interacting unless they need something, keeping mutuals despite never interacting etc go over my head. These are all traits of "adult friendship" according to some and we're raised differently I suppose. I'm not talking about forgetting to reply or being busy, I'm also a busy adult and I forget to reply too so please don't feel defensive about that.

I have some mutuals who do all that I mentioned above, but there are 2 people who go Out Of Their Way to not interact with me. They'd go directly to posts I share to retweet, they'd ignore my messages, my own tweets, my replies to them, my replies to Their Questions under My Tweets, any qrt to their tweets.. just all of it, as if they have me blocked.

This had been happening long before For you page became a thing, years of this and no I wasn't shadowbanned my other mutuals interacted just fine. I was probably muted, but they'd share posts that I know wouldn't be on their tl unless they saw me share, trust me on this.

I didn't realize people did this "cool moot" thing until I saw others on twitter talking about how some popular or wannabe popular accounts do this so that You don't feel too important, so you know it's all casual, so that their rare interactions are treasured.

Let's say we 3 had X fandom in common.

These two mutuals, one was new and really invested in X fandom before we met. She barged into my life and said "We Have to be friends!" weeks before she started ignoring me.

The other one, from my country, had been mutual for over a year, and we shared a bunch of fandoms before X came to existence. So we had good reasons to get closer as friends, there was no reason to not respond to me sending normal fanarts and meta stuff, yet xe acted like I was invisible. No indication that my once or twice a week messages, gradually decreasing, were making xem uncomfortable.

What hurt most is how xe'd be all "my mutuals are my besties", "only 10 people from this country's X fandom has braincells and we're always screaming in group chat". Meaning I wasn't even remembered let alone be in xer group.

With xem I felt like I was just there so xe could keep a "trusted" fellow fan in xeir list, as in 'have similar taste, live in the same country, and isn't a bigot'. I've had other mutuals tell me that they did this, keep "trusted" accounts as mutuals, in those cases I didn't mind because of course I wanted the same and we actually talk to each other.

After I figured out I got upset and appalled. I muted the 2 for some time, if I needed to I went and shared posts they retweeted from source without interacting with them. Nobody messaged each other. If you mute on twitter you still get notification for likes, replies etc and I got none from them in that time. After a couple months I quietly softblocked them.

The older mutual tried to follow again because xe thought it was a glitch but I locked xem out. This is the reason I feel a little bad, but xe could have interacted in the whole year we were in X fandom together.

So this is how I lost two mutuals, was I an ass for the months I treated them like that? I doubt they noticed either way.

What are these acronyms?

[askbombasticblake]

Wait hold up. Patch supported a pedo?!

Alright, I'm caffeinated enough to answer this.

Strap yourselves in, folks. This is gonna be a ride.

So during my year-long mental roller coaster ride back in 2021, one of the things Shiloh confessed to me during one of my spirals was that Lily was not the first predator they had run defense for.

No, that honor goes to their college roommate, a trans/intersex (can't recall which, I just know they're not cis) woman named Tianwei (forgive my spelling). Tianwei had told them 3 things, hoping that 1 would be excused because of the other 2.

First, that she was a pedo and had pedophilic thoughts about children regularly. Second, that her parents abused her for one reason or another. And third, that she nearly died in a house fire.

Now, to most sane people, the latter two wouldn't matter, because the first is still fucking horrid. Not to Shi! They bought into Tianwei's bullshit hook, line, & sinker, and let her continue to pursue her education instead of reporting her to campus police.

In hindsight, this puts their willingness to look past both Lily and Poppy's fuckshit in a totally different light, as we now have a pattern of behavior.

Now I already know what Certain People in the Peanut Gallery are gonna say: "What about you? We heard you confessed too!" Well, let's get into that.

As a bit of background, one of the things I am very open and angry about is the fact that I was abused by multiple members of my family. Sexually (by my dad & my sister), verbally, emotionally, financially, psychologically, and most importantly, physically. I'm not just talking spanking, either. One of the most common forms of abuse I can remember from everyone in my family is them hitting me in the head as punishment/in their own fits of anger. I'm talking striking me hard enough to see stars, cause temporary deafness, and in at least two cases, smacking me hard and fast enough to lift me out of my chair.

I say that because I'm pretty sure the aforementioned physical abuse was enough to cause some form of brain damage, and at the very least has scrambled my memory to some degree. Worst case scenario, the abuse at such a young age will cause my inevitable autopsy to show that I've developed CTE. Would certainly explain some things. Anyway, back on track.

That previously mentioned scrambled memory is what caused me to THINK I had done horrible things as a teenager. However, my saving grace is the fact that my friend/brother Kaiser was in contact with me during my teenage years, and he has a much clearer memory than me. As the Twitter post pinned to my blog states, I told Kaiser EVERYTHING back then, because I wanted to seem more active than him (I was stupid and competitive, gimme a break). Because he himself said that I never told him about something that heinous, but DID tell him any time I met with older men who were grooming me online, combined with the fact that he has trusted me enough to name me the godparent of his daughter, I can safely say that my guilt and manic spirals were caused by false memories, and thus my name should be cleared.

The same cannot be said for Shiloh. Between Tianwei, Lily, and Poppy, it's clear that they have a history of defending and enabling predators when those people have something to offer them. This pattern should call into question their own history, accountability, and lack of personal responsibility going forward.

TL;DR: I got hit in the head alot & falsely accused myself, Shi is a grifter & pred enabler. Thank you for coming to my Ted Talk

[bangtthedoldrums]

life update?

July is almost over, i think these days i'm seeing glimpses of light at the end of the 27 tunnel. why am i writing all these on tumblr, you may wonder? i'm attention-seeking, i seek attention, i fear.

(let's bffr, whose attention am i seeking when i literally have <5 followers here haha, what a melodramatic bitch)

these days i'm feeling relatively stable. i'm laughing a lot, i'm smiling a lot. i mean i was already starting to, then the whole Kamala effect kicked off and i find myself laughing at dumbass things - nothing's ever that serious lol

the astrology people on twitter were not kidding about Saturn's return. 27 has been so fucking difficult, i can see why Club 27 even exists in the first place.

i wouldn't say i was "fighting" the last few months, "fighting" to stay alive? nah. some of my friends know i'm absolutely not "fighting" in any way. i'm glad i hung around i guess?

Sufjan, you're undeniably talking to yourself in this track. i would like to answer your question if that's okay. i probably wouldn't a few months ago, but yes, now i do care if i survive this.

oh god it's finally happening i guess. the time to get over a relationship is half the time it lasted. the timeline fits i guess.

"I'm frightened of the end, I'm drowning in my self-defense" and "Think of me as what you will, I grow like a cancer" sound about right.

"Did I cross you? Did I fail to believe in positive thoughts? Our romantic second chance is dead, I buried it with the hatchet"

"If I get a little prettier, can I be your baby? You tell me, 'Life isn't that hard' " yeah. sounds about right.

the season of pain and hopelessness has passed, and with resignation and acceptance comes revelation. and that revelation is that it's over.

okay. enough about that for now. please allow me to ramble on about things that have been in my head the last few days (or last few months haha).

the first thing - i'm not sure if i'm delulu or what, but please go with me here. these days i stare into the mirror, and my face looks like it's in the process of chiseling itself out. i can see my cheekbones. my cheeks look hollower. (but that could be an illusion? from the shadow of the temple of my glasses casted on my cheeks.)

i don't know if that is part of ageing. or if i lost weight. or if i'm sick. i feel fine though. but i would not be surprised if i secretly had lung cancer all these time from all those years of cigarettes smoking, and now vaping. who knows! i look hot so whatever.

the second thing - i've been listening to chappell roan a lot the last few months, just about the time i noped out of social media lol.

i've been returning to my punk/alternative/rock roots lately. i have too much pent-up rage lately methinks. rage from grief, rage from injustice, rage from.......... actually these two are mainly it. i can't really think of anything right now.

the third thing - penn badgley is so hot. haha. as a sapphic (mostly) no man has ever made me feel anything except penn badgley. not that joe goldberg persona though, it's dan humphrey and woodchuck todd. okay fine, there were. but i would like to mention penn badgley for now 😀

the fourth thing - i've been feeling a lot more social lately. being social online helps. talking to people helps. making plans with friends whom i love, trust, and respect helps.

i wonder if i wasted all these time isolating myself. maybe i'd be better quicker. or i'd lash out for no good reason. we'll never know. i guess it also helps when the trigger of my fight or flight isn't living down the hallway anymore?

the fifth thing - i find myself funny again. not like "i'm insulting someone for shits and giggles" funny. like i could make jokes again. like my humour is back. i scrolled through my reddit account a few days back and i don't even remember most of the comments i've made with that account. i used to be so funny and quick-witted. it's all coming back slowly so i'm glad 😄

okay folks, that's all for now. i've disappeared for a while but i'm back. thank you for your patience and understanding.

27's almost over. i don't know if i "can't wait for it to be over." i don't really feel anything about getting older. i'm literally still a baby when it comes to my prefrontal cortex. or a toddler if you're particular. i guess anything can still happen from now till September, the universe's always listening !!! 😀

why the tell-all now, girl? who knows! maybe i wna start documenting stuff again. i don't remember things from the last 8 to 9 months. with everything else that went on in my head i'm surprised that i lasted this long.

maybe i wna be honest.

"Come one, come all, I'll tell you my secrets. I'm kinda like a prettier Jesus"

this must be what Lorde feels when she wrote Solar Power

[dalekofchaos]

Full offense intended, but I could never have a friend like you, who slanders my favorite wrestlers on the daily, knowing that are my favorites. That's not a friend to me, friends don't do that to each other. You slander The Elite, Britt Baker, MJF, FTR, Jack Perry, Wheeler Yuta (when you called him "Wheeler Useless"), and now Jon Moxley. Who's next? If you dislike these people so much, then why do you post about them and have gifs and photos of them on your blog? Just don't post about them and ignore, plain and simple. But no, you gotta be an asshole about it, as always, and then play the victim when you get called out.

MJF literally said he is against genocide and Palestinians being killed. He's not using his girlfriend as a shield or being Zionist. And maybe if people stopped spewing antisemitic bullshit about him on the daily and just simply unfollowed/blocked him, instead of looking for something to attack him over, he wouldn't be so defensive all the time or respond the way he does.

And I find it funny how all of sudden you can't stand Max Caster, after you defended that incredibly offensive rap he did, referencing a rape and sexual assault case, saying that it's what heels do and that heels are supposed to be offended. And called anyone who spoke up about it "sensitive marks."

Hypocrisy at its finest. Can't pick and choose who you hold accountable or who gets cancelled and who doesn't. Just stop already, please. It's enough. And if you can't handle it, then maybe wrestling just isn't for you.

Not doing this anymore. It's been 4 years and I've just had enough.

I’ve deleted most of the negative stuff I’ve said about WWE & AEW. I will only focus on the stuff I like in wrestling and won’t say anything negative.

My father has recently passed away and I am still dealing with his passing. I am not in a good mental health space. So it's not worth fighting over.

I was not trying to be misogynistic about it just giving my opinion to the shitty booking of that senile rapist piece of shit, but I recognize some of the posts did take it too far, especially the Caster shit yeah I know that was gross and I am sorry. No wrestler controls their booking so I shouldn’t be on them for that, but I can’t help but feel pissed for my favs being done dirty by shitty booking. I was not trying to be anti-semetic about MJF by calling him a zionist. I called him a Zionist because other wrestling fans have called him out. One Twitter thread in particular shows that MJF came to this Jewish fan’s inbox and asking to be educated and when said person explained all they could, he just left her on read and never responded which did not help matters.

I am not antisemitic in any way, I always raise Jewish voices for Palestine and other important causes. You do not know me, please do not put words in my mouth. Also I have Autism, depression and anxiety, all your accusations do is make me nervous and breakdown. I recognize this doesn't excuse my behavior, but it does explain my lack of a reaction after all this time. I apologize for the negativity I've brought to wrestling, anything I've had to say that went too far, attacking your faves and I apologize for my lack of owning up to it.

and if that is not enough. I won't post about wrestling and I won't even talk about wrestling and just watch it in my own personal space and keep my opinions to myself. And if that STILL isn't enough I will stop sending asks to our mutual friend

Please just leave me alone.

[carletes]

I can't help but feel like all of this defense of Bianca is purely due to ableism that F1 fans themselves have but don't realize.

The amount of times I've seen people try to pull the "I can't be racist because I have black/brown friends/relatives" card and still have to face consequences, yet she uses her autistic brother as a prop to claim she can't be ableist and people are suddenly like "omg best apology ever, we support our queen."

No. I am autistic. I've gotten bullied for it for much of my life. I don't appreciate seeing Bianca continuing that bullying by encouraging the use of autism as an insult, and I especially don't like her using someone who is autistic to try to cover up her behavior. People need accountability if they're going to learn, and so far her version of "taking accountability" has just been "I'm just a girl, just a kid, only 18, I didn't know better" which luckily she deleted, and then using her autistic brother to try to gain PR brownie points after insulting people with autism.

And I KNOW F1 is full of ableism, not just on twitter but on here too. Hell, I was ranting to a F1 friend maybe a month ago about a post someone made on here about how they didn't like Lando solely because they thought he was neurodivergent but he was too privileged to have to mask his neurodivergent behavior and I just? Girl what in the fucking ableism. Do people realize how exhausting "masking neurodivergent behavior" is? And that post had about a dozen notes - not of people calling it out, but of people agreeing with it. Lance gets the majority of it, but I've also seen people use autism to insult Logan too. He isn't in F1 anymore, but I saw it all the time with Latifi too. Like fucking stop chalking up disliking people to "omg i don't like them because they exhibit behaviors that i associate with autism," that's fucking gross and insulting!!!

Idk I'm tired of reading how I'm anti-women or anti-POC for not immediately accepting her apology and jumping right back in to supporting her. She needs to do a LOT of self-reflecting and attitude changing, as do motorsport fans in general given a lot of responses to this situation. Ableism isn't cool, cute, funny, etc. (Also looking at the fans who repost that RocketPoweredMohawk YouTuber's clips in the tags on Tumblr too. The guy's biggest punchline is "HAHAHAHA lance autistic" yet F1 fans worship the ground he walks on and treats him like peak comedy. Please, find an actual sense of humor that doesn't involve making people with disabilities the punchline of your jokes). It's getting old. It's not funny or quirky or edgy. It's exhausting to constantly run into reminders that most of these people I'm interacting with in my online spaces would never accept me and would probably just bully me if I ever came across them in real life. 🙃

Thank you for saying all of this. I genuinely didn’t even know this was a line of ~commentary (ew) on Lance or Logan. It’s absolutely disgusting. I feel like we’re only just getting to a point where people even understand autism (and let’s be clear…they still don’t lol not really) but shit like this is so gross and only forces autistic people even further into the margins of society. I’m really sorry the fandom is like this. You deserve to take up as much space as you need, and the rest of us need to hold ableists accountable.

[just-jordie-things]

I’m honestly trying to find someone to give me some insight / confirmation the whole jjk fandom isn’t like this because I’m genuinely so disheartened.

So I have a friend who lives in Japan I met online who goes to lots of conventions. She told me that gojo has been confirmed straight by the creator Gege in multiple magazines and interviews in Japan. After I was told that I did toms of research and saw proof that was true.

I’m someone who likes to follow canon simply because I like facts and like to be respectful to the authors creation. Obviously he people want to headcanon that’s fine! I just like following canon.

Earlier today I made a theory post about something which I briefly brought up gojo being confirmed straight and sited my sources (it wasn’t even the MAIN point of the theory. It was a part of it but not the main focus)

IMMEDIATELY after , like 10 minutes my inbox was SWARMED. I had people calling me homophobic (when I’m in the community) a piece of shit, I disappointment. I got told to off myself. My favorite fanfiction blog with a BIG following dmed me to delete my account and to shut up.

All because I said Gege confirmed Gojo to be straight in canon with sourced proof.

I really really don’t feel well after this? For one my favorite blog dming me that was upsetting, people telling me to kill myself also upsetting.

I don’t even understand why though?

Like the proof of Gojo being confirmed straight is on Twitter with magazine translation from Japan where Gege said it. It’s been said in more than one interview with Gege.

So why are people so mad about it if it’s canon?

As I said head canons are fine feel free to make them.. but sending death threats to people like me who follow canon is just crazy?

Now I feel like leaving the fandom and tumblr. Like this is crazy.

As someone who follows canon I follow Gojo being a straight man as that is what Gege has confirmed in multiple interviews.

Gojo is straight in canon that’s what Gege confirmed that’s what I follow.

But why am I getting death threats for that? What’s wrong with canon?

I just don’t get it and honestly it’s really just made me not like this fandom and I wish someone would explain what I did wrong by following canon and linking sources to prove it- I’m just confused

for starters, i am so sorry for the hate that you received. it is never ok to send someone death threats/tell them to kys. it's ok to have differing opinions, it's ok to debate and argue (granted ofc you're allowed to delete/ignore messages if you want, you're not obligated to explain yourself to anyone), but if you can't do that respectfully then you must be too young to be on this app. period.

i'm sorry you had that experience. everyone's allowed their own opinions. whether it involves headcanoning or following canon, everyone's entitled to feel the way they want. at the end of the day, they're fictional characters. personally i love satosugu. i think their story is so angsty and complicated and fascinating. do i care if someone has a differing ship? no. ofc i don't. it's a fictional character. i go about my day like an adult.

obviously i'm getting one half of the situation here so i won't speak to why people were calling you homophobic, if you were just providing sources i don't see the big deal. but (i am also a member of the alphabet soup) i know how it feels to be questioned and prodded at for my (a real life person!) sexuality, and my instinct is to get defensive to protect myself and my peace. i might be making leaps there... i'm just trying to relate that in real life, it's easy for people to spread homophobic rhetoric without realizing that's what they're doing.. you know? (ie: i'm bi and my partner and i are het presenting. i get an earful from toxic family all the time. 'are you sure?' 'if you marry him, aren't you straight now?' etc etc. i'm sure you get the gist)

i'm not trying to say that's what you were doing. again, i've only got half of the picture here.

and again, you should not have received the treatment you did. it was immature and cruel.

i hope i articulated this well. feel free to ask any questions if i confused you. <3

[herunswithscissors]

"The younger generation is morally better than us. They are kinder and more empathetic. They do work hard. But they far more clearly see where their work is worthwhile vs where it isn't and they don't waste their efforts on busy work or helping the rich get richer."

i sure asf am experiencing this empathy when i try to debate feminism on this site. feminists who prioritize their own sex def. don't get piled on by a bunch of jerks who cannot tolerate people with different priorities. the rape and death threats women get on here scream moral.

What you have experienced on Tumblr is horrific and evil. It is some of our worst parts of our culture that are wrapped up in our toxic male culture of misogyny and patriarchy combined with a bunch of might makes right and alpha male/sigma male bullshit.

I'm sorry for how you have been treated. It is wrong and every guy who has been part of that should have to read their texts aloud to their mother while Mom has her chancla. And then they should have to pay you a millions of dollars in damages in court for the damage to your quality of life and the terrorism that they inflicted upon you.

Partly it is because Tumblr is run by the same set of Aristocrats, techbros, and Muskrat fanbois as Twitter, Facebook, Reddit, and health insurance companies. I'm sure Tumblr's board of directors go skinny dipping with the Sacklers on Epstein Island. They all hate women and minorities and any kind of real diversity.

So they allow all the bullying and give terrorists freedom to keep you quieter or at least keep you angry, hurt, scared, anxious, and distracted to keep you from burning shit down.

All of that #MeToo stuff was just a peek behind our own curtain of boys-will-be-boys, bro culture that protects really bad guys and teaches all the rest of us to be more misogynistic and downright mean. And a huge portion of men (and their right-wing female allies) rejected the very idea and lampooned it to death.

And I know so many female scientists and professors who should be protected by their position in society, their well-connected colleagues, and universities/labs. They are harassed online mercilessly in the most ugly ways. And then they get it from some students and colleagues too. And their institutions sweep it under the rug or fire the woman because they are all run by Aristocrats and conservatives and Capitalists.

It is horrible and evil.

When ya'll get to burning shit down, I'll help.

But sadly, today is the best time in history to be a woman in our culture.

And for the vast majority of other cultures on Earth.

I've only been around for 45ish years. Up until 3 years before I was born, my mother could not get a bank account in her name. Not without either her father or husband as primary account holders on it. Timeline of some of the financial things here

Sexual harassment was a way of life for a huge contingent of guys when I was in my teens and early 20's. Most of the other guys just thought it was funny. It was only just beginning to get better in the 90s. By "better" I mean it became less socially acceptable to do in public and more guys would speak up in defense. But there were no real consequences and harassment in private never stopped.

Because kind of like racism and "diversity" and such, the people in charge of shit and a large contingent of the population refuse to change their hearts. They just want to stay out of trouble without ever changing themselves or allowing the culture to really change.

So, yes, this is the kindest generation we have ever had in America. Even if we aren't very kind compared to almost anyone else. We are generous, helpful, pleasant, friendly, and hopeful people, but we are not kind.

We are so far behind all the Brown nations in kindness and love, but look at our history. We started way behind thanks to the Aristocrats and their colonizing bullshit we got into bed with them on. But it really is kinder today.

That is sad, but perfection is a human invention. It is always about direction of growth or decline that any judgement of a people ought be made. That and how do they treat women. And how do they treat the poor, oppressed, and sick.

What direction are we moving and how do we treat the people who don't have the power to stop us or really just need some food and a place to live in safety?

That is what defines a good culture and a good people in my book.

So what does that say about us, that people like Anonymous are treated so horrendously on a regular basis and they are just a drop in the ocean? What does that say about us when we are the best people we've ever been in America (or Europe) and we are still this terrible?

[coratorium]

to kind of elaborate on a tangent off my last reblog i was talking recently about An Incident that occurred a few years ago in a discord community i used to be a part of, that was primarily run by a twitch streamer. long rambling post about arguing and shit-slinging to follow.

to make a long story short there was some long-term resentment building between the streamer and some of their moderators and popular users. this eventually broke out into a large, extremely public argument that lasted multiple days (it was a server full of leftists, so... people loved to debate). the argument ultimately lead to about half the users (a couple hundred people) leaving the discord for another community.

at the time i was heavily involved in damage control. it was probably the most i ever got involved in that community, ironically- i spent a lot of hours staying up extremely late talking things out with people, trying to sort out who had said what and when, what we could learn from that, how we could make amends and move forward. i ended up giving up after the users in question all either left or got banned, and the streamer seemed too defensive to change in any meaningful way.

i think i, at least, learned something from all of that mess. there were so many accusations being slung around that basically boiled down to "you made me feel uncomfortable, and i didn't know what to do about that". i'm not trying to downplay the seriousness of that- when negative feelings like that fester with no outlet, it can have a serious effect on your life. i've spent years in a precarious living situation with people i have to appease to ensure my survival. like, i get it.

however, people really liked to take this and spin it as clinically as they could- as if it were a moral failing on the streamer's part. i saw a lot of terms being used like "emotional abuse", "toxic relationship", "abuse of power", etc, that i honestly feel were exaggerations. in fact, a lot of the people i saw making these claims went on to act the same way themselves in the future... one of the moderators who claimed the streamer was abusing their power by making unilateral decisions did the same thing to me when i was in their server, overriding their mod team to punish me directly.

i don't think they were power tripping or abusing me or anything. i think they just didn't like me, and were willing to compromise their own principles to get me to stop. sometimes that's... all there is to it, really?

it feels better if you have a "good reason" not to like someone or something, and that can drive people to come up with excuses but, at the end of the day, sometimes you just don't like a guy! that's okay! you can find someone fucking obnoxious without having to have a reason for it! you don't have to spend hours debating whether them making a joke at your expense one time was an act of abuse or not. you don't have to dig for dirt on someone to justify blocking them on twitter. you don't have to find reasons not to make an account on a website! you can just not do that! you can just not like a guy!

i think the internet would be a better place if more people had this mindset about relationships. a friend invited me to their personal discord a couple days ago and i met their friends and we talked a bit. we had a lot in common but we didn't quite click... someone picked a fight with me, i made some jokes that didn't land, people didn't really seem to like me. after a while i realized that i had started only reading the server out of a sense of obligation, at which point i questioned why i was even doing it. i barely know these people. i don't owe them shit. i can just leave! i can mute the server and never talk there again! it can just end there! and, again, i don't think any of them were bad people, or being malicious, or anything like that. i don't think they truly caused harm to me in any way. we just didn't get along. that's fine. you can break ties with people without a callout post getting involved.

hell, it would probably even have been better to get confrontational about it. air the bad feelings out before they have any time to fester. that's also an option. a lot of people are too scared to say anything when they have a problem with somebody... i know i've been there. you can just talk it out. what's the worst that happens? it escalates and now you have a real reason never to talk to each other again? seems better than pretending to not have an issue for months or years while slowly building up to a huge and very public fight.

i think people get kind of attached to this idea they have in their minds of... being able to tell their whole side of the story and have everyone support them. see all of the little ways that they have been done wrong by this other person and agree with them, tell them at last "YES you're right that's so bad! that wasn't your fault!" and then just have it all be over immediately, their antagonist fleeing into the sunset never to be seen again, humiliated at having been so thoroughly exposed for their shameless behavior.

nothing is ever that simple. most of the time, the people who are making you feel bad have no idea they did it. sometimes, YOU'RE also making THEM feel bad. but people try to stick to their narrative anyway- i'm the victim here, these are my complaints, anything i did to the other guy was justified by them being worse than me. nothing they did could possibly be justified at all. please agree with me so they'll have to leave me alone and then i'll feel better. it's sickening.

you can't carry around grievances like that. being frustrated with other people is a normal part of life and you need to find an outlet for it. find friends you trust who you can bitch to when you're having a bad time. learn to actually talk to people, or just learn to leave and move on with your life. do something besides stockpiling bad experiences to use as ammunition for your callout posts.

and yes, before i get some smarmy comment, obviously there are actual cases of people doing shit heinous enough that you need to make the general public aware of it or need help dealing with the situation. most interpersonal conflicts i see online are far pettier than this and could be easily solved with better communication. use your own judgement.

[madbox91]

Today, I caused chaos on Twitter and Mobox and friends didn't like it lol Part 1

It all started when I was just impersonating mobox87 on Twitter again, you know being a goof ball. That's all. Then I found out that Nikolai (aka mobox's friend or girlfriend or whatever he is) had a new Twitter account and so I followed him. After that I made this thread

I was doing some funny monkey business when I did that. I didn't think much after that and I wasn't expecting anything to happened because I have done this before with Nikolai's other accounts and he didn't respond to me and ignored like he should. The reason why I did this is because to get a reaction, mess with him, mock him, make posts to make fun of him about and if I am lucky get attention. Just be my annoying harassing ass self. I love fucking around with people and annoying them and of course making myself laugh and maybe perhaps make other people laugh by my actions or posts. I've been doing online harassment for years so I know on wtf I'm talking about and fully aware that this shit is so fucking dumb, bad, shit that losers do. I don't care, I'm like a jester bully or something. Anyway another reason why I did it is because I always wanted to have a interaction with him. He has always been my most wanted person to fuck around with. The way he talks and the way he tries to be the bigger person in most situations is something that I always notice and always wanted to challenge him. It's so fucking delusional that he does it even though there's a clear advantage that the other person has. Plus he will get more material on making more posts that I can mock about. Anyways lets get into the juice and commentary.

Lol he blocked me

when he first messaged me, I didn't understand why he would do this after doing the greatest decision of ignoring me for like a very long time. Then when I was starting to talk to him and I realized this was an attempt to harass me. I'm thinking that my actions I did to mobox got into his skin and decided to get like vengeance for mobox due to his disliking of me going up to the next level or something (if this is true then big win for me). But anyway he really did failed on harassing me since once again, I have been harassing people online for years and I know like a somewhat of a amount of online harassment tactics and so I'm already used to and know how to be immune to it. I know I sound like a fucking scientist or professor when it comes to online harassment but remember I know what I am talking about due to years of being a dick. In fact he's like very similar to me when it comes to harassment and I'm pretty sure he figured that as well. I was so excited during this time, this is something that I've always wanted for a long time and got a chance to do it. I never thought my dumb little actions can get to these guys so easily. Like there's no way he wanted to harass me in order to stop my Twitter that has not that much attraction to begin with. He harass me because of something I have done that he didn't like. At least that's what I figured. I mean both him and mobox have a pretty close relationship and Nikolai has done this before with other people like blossom. I guess you can say that he's pretty sensitive whenever someone says something bad to mobox87 but anyway let's continue

Right off the bat, the cooler harasser (me) has already made him kinda defensive. I was messing around with him by making this meme reference

I'm not going to explain the whole meme if you don't know about it but the punchline is something sexual and so that's why I called him young for not getting it. I don't care if I said "thang" wrong, the funny thing about this is that this mf tried to correct me that he isn't young due to me saying that he was too young to understand the punchline of this random ass meme reference. "Um actually I'm 21 and that's not young to understand what you mean, you dirty lust☝🤓". I honestly couldn't believe I actually made him vulnerable for the first seconds of talking to him by messing around with him with something that he was ignorant about. It's so goofy that he had to tell me that he totally isn't young and said he isn't a "dirty lust". I'm not sure if this guy was trying to be fucking formal with those words but bro isn't Edgar allan poe with the words "dirty lust" 💀💀. Anyway

I was meant say "oh really" but I guess "how really" does work as well

As you can see, he's trying his best to make me think he's unaffected by the words. He's trying to make me feel like he's the bigger person in this conversation. I recognize this and do the same. That's basically what whole the conversation was like and is. Two losers tried their best to harass one another. Basically a waste of time for both sides. I mean I was expecting to just do this and at the same time was so excited because my biggest dream has come true and my expectations have been met. Also don't get me started on the mobox throwing away my account shit 💀. That shit was ass like holy fuck that actually made this harassment attempt fall apart. He even said "or something" to make it up because he knew that this was shit to say. LIKE HOLY SHIT THAT MADE ME SCARED!! MOBOX WAS ABOUT TO DESTROY MY ACCOUNT 😭😭💀💀😱😱🗣🗣🗣 SO SPOOKY. Like bruh, really? Tf she gotta do, call elon musk for this shit? I am absolutely right about how she already failed at throwing my account, bruh. It really is too late to say that you don't give a fuck. This is already damaging. Like I couldn't believe in my eyes when he said that. Bro thought he can scare me with that. How embarrassing

Bro really tried to get the mobox critique involve like I care. I already know those guys don't liked me so yeah thanks for stating the obvious for someone reason.

I like how we both have the same motivation at wasting each other's time and getting entertainment out of it. At the end of the day, time wasting is bad in both parties so it really doesn't matter. This is like talking to a less cooler clone of me which is fitting considering he is talking to a clone of mobox87. Also I think I cut him off when was asking "why so obsessed with". I don't know why

This feels a competition from all the attempts we did at each other.

[acourtofthought]

Thank you for letting me vent! These warships are draining. If I see a pro Elriel post, I just mind my business. I know I'm not going to change their mind, nor do I want to. They are free to ship whoever they please.

But I do see a silver lining in all this. Over the year's things have gotten worse for them and it's not looking promising. I believe that is why they are getting more aggressive. What I mean is, when they do get SJM's attention, it never goes in their favor. For example:

Breads and roses, they swore this was El/riel confirmatio, prior to release and well, it was NOT. But in her HOSAB interview, she explained she was thinking what would be a warm welcome for Bryce, who thought she was in hell. Nothing more.

Gwyn's age, another theory that blew up in their face. SJM's not only shut it down, her face said it all. It is still one of my fave interviews.

ACOSF, before it's release El/riels dedicated so many posts and theories firmly believing this would be it for them, because it made sense right? Elain was closest to Nesta, Azriel to Cassian. This was the perfect opportunity to set them up, but SJM went an entirely different direction, and the two characters with least presence were Elain and Lucien. Watching their melt down was fascinating on twitter when the book was out, especially when the Italians who got an advance release date were going on about the chemistry between Az and a priestess, this was before the bonus chapter was even available. So if these readers, who had no idea of the bonus could pick up those crumbs, says a-lot about who's reading comprehension is off. Also, it is well known a ton of Elriels only skimmed ACOSF, I've seen tweets saying they do not want to read a book with that b*tch Gwyn. Just because one refuses to read something, does not change the outcome.

And that bonus chapter, why did a certain big pro elriel account rewrite the chapter and deleted Gwyn's part and tried to pass it off as published work? Did she think it was going to sway readers to el/riel, that was by far one of the dumbest things I've ever seen. If the bonus is not as important as they claim, why did they rewrite it? Waiting for them to make that make sense.

When SJM was promoting TOG, someone asked about Elain and Azriel and those in attendance shared her response on Twitter and they were crying and screaming on twitter when it was revealed she sees them as siblings - I know it is kinda weird that she did have them almost kiss BUT she actually did not have them kiss, so they could very well form a close subbing like bond later on, in the way Aelin does with Dorian, and they did in fact kiss.

Then fan during her Sept live who asked about Gwyn and the light singer theory. Her response was "not to sound mean but..." when anyone says "not to sound mean" it is the polite way of trying not to make you feel inferior for being wrong, but you are wrong. She even stated "another conspiracy theory" and kindly changed the topic. She did not fall for that question.

Lastly, I'm tired of seeing el/riels attack SJM's friends. Personally, I find it a win that her friends are anti elriels, does it mean I believe they know anything for a fact? I doubt it, but still, I know it makes el/riels so mad to see one of SJM's best friends vocalize she does not see Elain and Az as endgame anymore on her podcast.

Oh and when she was asked about modern vacations, she wasn't even asked about Elucien, yet she blurted it out and included them. El/riel's were not happy about it.

There are no interviews supporting Az and Elain the way there is for Elucien and where things stand in ACOSF it is not promising at all.

I think you're right. With more people coming to the conclusion that E/riel isn't happening it's caused them to get defensive. As far as Bread and Roses. I don't think SJM would give anything away if it was a clue that Elain was living in the townhouse but I am certain it wasn't a clue that E/riel was living together. If the next ACOTAR book picks up after CC3 that means the book would start with Elain and Az having kissed, had sex, fallen in love and moved in together off page. How does that make any sense? Why would you even want them for them? I also find it amusing that their arguments all end with "we have proof that Elain wanted to kiss Az!" after SF while they conveniently leave off the fact that Az told Elain that THEY WERE A MISTAKE. Do they honestly believe SJM would have left E/riels last interaction like that only to have her turn around and pretend like none of that happened at the start of the next book? That as a reader we're supposed to believe they just "talked it out" when we weren't even present for that conversation? They aren't paying attention to the kind of author SJM is if they really think that's what went down.

And SJM did have a million chances to push the narrative of an E/riel endgame but what she did instead is make it a point to tell us how different they are, how they haven't had any real progression in their emotional intimacy (even though Elain was open to getting to know Az), how Elain's sisters don't really consider her a close friend and how the IC doesn't really include her in important decisions. It really doesn't matter what happened two books back when this is the direction she's now headed. I so wish someone had a link to that interview, the one where she announced they were siblings. I've heard about it from a lot of people who remember it as you do but no one saved a link to it. I would LOVE to have that to post and share 😂 And it's not all that weird that she had them almost kiss or that they shared an attraction at one point when you consider Cassian and Mor. We know that Cassian was attracted to Mor and she found him somewhat appealing because they slept together. He admits that in ACOMAF, Mor was somewhere between friend and lover. Then in SF he tells us Mor has become family, his sister. So if that can happen then why can't the same be said for Elain and Az? Especially after they realize they were never really interested in one another for the right reasons anyway? The interview question about Gwyn and lightsingers is a whole big mess. I don't think SJM was even responding to Gwyn being an lightsinger or not because while the girl thought she was being sneaky on suggesting that Gwyn was a lightsinger, the actual question was "if lightsingers have a "beast" form and shadowsingers are the counterpart, do they also have a "beast" form?" and SJM laughed at conspiracy theories while giving an A+ for careful reading. So it answers nothing but also further confuses everything because she laughed at the theories while also complimenting their careful reading. It's a very typical SJM response, telling us nothing while also giving us something that both sides can claim as proof. Regardless though, what would it REALLY matter if Gwyn were a lightsinger (and that's not even saying she is)? But Rhys can mist people and enter their minds to do his bidding. Exactly why would Gwyn being a lightsinger automatically mean that removes her as a LI for Az. Az TORTURES people and doesn't blink at the thought of killing allies. Do they really think he'd be scared off by someone with a dark power? Just like not all daemati are bad, I think we can assume that not all lightsingers are bad (especially if they're only a quarter lightsinger). It could easily be a misunderstood power. And that's not even saying Gwyn is one, I'm just arguing that even if she were it wouldn't change the fact that she can still use something that's considered a dark power to protect the innocent. Just as Rhys does, just as Az does. At the end of the day, I can guarantee SJM is disgusted by the side of her fandom that threatens, bullies and harasses. It's amazing how E/riels that are guilty of it can't understand that.

[riesonomuravt]

not to get personal on my vtuber account (and i decided to spare twitter the ramble) but

idk... I'm not feeling it lately.

there's been a lot of stuff. storms which limit my ability to stream, unemployment, general loneliness, feeling like I'm becoming more and more disconnected from how i usually am. I feel like my mannerisms seem cold and brash irl and can kinda feel that being the case online too. I guess I feel... out of it. i haven't spoken to some friends in forever, I rarely go out, and I just find it hard to concentrate on things. there were... some things that happened late last year and early this year. some years-long friendships ended under terrible terms. one because the person was clingy and wouldn't let me move on from past hurts, the other because I was going through a rough time unable to cope in healthier ways, lost control, and said and did things without thinking, which proved to be the last straw for the latter person. the latter scenario... it's definitely not the first time it's happened. i think about all the mistakes i've made online when i was under absurd amounts of stress, and i know it's pushed people away. some i never got back. kinda deserved it, really. i should have just stepped away from most things until things got better. especially with how people track even the smallest slights you've committed and are like THIS PERSON IS BAD AVOID THEM. I don't want to mess things up more than I already have.

the former though... i felt myself developing a grudge against that person, paranoid as to what they could be up to... the last time I got hurt like that was in 2017, someone else gaslit me by acting super friendly then cutting me off when I was in need. I was just so vulnerable, I maybe should have handled some things differently, but I... made sure that other person from back then would never try to act two faced to me again. not (just) a block, but... i requested they block me back. and i feel guilty as to how i handled it. I know I struggle with communication sometimes, I have a lot of toxic traits like insecurity, taking things personally, paranoia, anger issues, overthinking, etc. it's not an excuse, but I feel this may be a defense mechanism, and i kinda feel like I'm losing control. I had a Google doc telling my story, but I may scrap it and retell it omitting or rewording some things. I do want help, but circumstances haven't allowed for it due to delays or what have you. I've even had some negative interactions with some friends and I was scared, some of my behavior this year was just overall erratic. Maybe I am losing control and need a break. my cert courses start next week, i'll have to see the times in the day but it should be 6 months maximum. maybe if I tackle one problem at a time I can slowly get better, including trying to move on from the one who really hurt me a lot. but this year has had me re-evaluating how i conduct myself and I do need to try to improve.

I'll maybe do a just chatting stream at a later date if I'm able to, I just... don't wanna mess things up anymore and lose anyone else. all I see myself as right now is a screw up, and I can barely even focus on stuff that makes me happy. to those who still care about me despite me screwing up a lot: thank you.

[wanderingandfound]

Okay so, I've had this blog for nearly a decade. Since I was a freshman in high school. I've grown a lot in that time and I've posted a lot too, which means of course I've posted things I probably no longer fully agree with.

And if anyone tries to pull receipts and demand apologies and/or explanations? Please do not let me get away with vague statements about how I'm a different person now. Please make sure I give actual, specific apologies (or outright state I still stand by a statement if I don't think it is something to apologize for).

I am the most online of my IRL friends so I cannot expect them to tell me to log off if I'm digging myself into a pit so I'm asking you to hold me accountable in the future. You don't even need to be polite about it.