#but im stuck because like literally nobody in my life will read the things i make

[saederkrupps]

man. depression

[asthedeathoflight]

I think part of why people get so weird and moralizing about the vampires' relationships with each other is that they're trying to map them onto human romantic relationships which just doesn't really work. And I'm not even talking about the moral dimension of "these people have to kill and eat humans to survive." I mean that for literally any of these vampires the healthy thing to do in the human world is just to never speak to each other ever again but that is just not an option for them. They're stuck with each other for ETERNITY. Either they kill each other or they find a way to live with each other those are basically the only options. They dont really get to go no contact.

And like specifically I'm thinking about the ways people reacted to the finale reconciliation between Lestat and Louis and how a lot of people read that as Louis going back to his abusive husband, and I can see how that would feel really off putting. But I think - awkward as it is - in that scene Lestat is more accurately described as being Louis' abusive father. Like if you think about the period of Louis and Lestat being together as a marriage then yes. Its insane for Louis to say he's grateful. But if you think of it as Louis' childhood then what you get is someone who has struggled with depression and being suicidal for his whole life going back to his parent and saying /im glad you brought me into the world./ Thank you for creating me. Thank you for giving me a chance to figure this out. It can be empowering for people to let go of their anger against their parents and finally see them as people with flaws. And before anyone comes at me with the forgiveness-is-harmful-to-survivors crap: I Know. I had the privilege of getting to go completely no contact with a family member without that impacting any of my other family relationships. I have no interest in forgiving him ever. But thats because I never have to see him again. If he was at family dinner - and you KNOW lestat is gonna be at vampire family dinner - I would have to learn how to let go of that rage for my OWN sake. Because living with anger like that eats at you and it turns you into something you don't want to be.

Louis forgiving Lestat isn't about Lestat. Its about Louis. It's about him coming to terms with the fact that these are the things that happened to him in his life and nobody can change them and like it or not he's gonna have to deal with Lestat for the rest of eternity and he's choosing to meet Lestat as an equal, to reconnect on his own terms. And that can be a very powerful thing to do! Not everyone wants to close the door on the people who helped raise them, even if they were hurt badly by them.

[beetrotxo]

hey i need to be insane about devon for a second. spoilers for dark heir below the cut.

Dark Rise as a series has a lot of themes surrounding the inescapability of the past- one really obvious example of this is Kettering, who literally dies because he's so stuck in the past he can't accept that the life he knew was gone/wanted to revive his lover so badly. but this theme resonates with LITERALLY every character in the series. Will is forced to become the Dark King. James is forced to lose his freedom like Anachrion no matter how much he struggles. Visander comes back to chase old grudges. It's all history repeating itself again, and nobody can stop it.

Except Devon CHANGES. he's the only remnant of the Old World in the book who actually shows a capacity for changing. Everything else is doomed to repeat itself EXCEPT DEVON. He's technically the only one who actually lived through the Old World, and I think its so interesting how much emphasis is put on the fact that because he had time to just...be alone? He made a complete 180 change from who he was. AND AGAIN: HES THE ONLY REMNANT OF THE OLD WORLD WHO DOES!

Indeviel was a literal unicorn incapable of lying. He fought alongside the Light and willingly allowed humans to use him as a tool for war. He vowed vengeance against the Lions who killed his kind and promised to be the noble steed of the Queen's Champion. But Devon? Devon is a courtier for the 'Dark King' who is VERY close with a Lion and seems entirely disillusioned with the idea of allowing humans to use him like they did in the Old World. He changes completely from how he was in the Old World. Devon recognizes the pattern of things repeating from the past, but he's the only one who changes (except maybe barring Violet? But I think her situation is a little different. Although Devon does say in Dark Rise 'you're like me' and I think this is why. They're the only ones who change in this conflict thats doomed to repeat itself over and over).

Devon literally forgetting oaths he swore over a thousand years ago and discarding the ideals of the Light in favor of doing what he thinks is right is not only a complete change from what he was before but also clashes PERFECTLY with Visander who not only still sees Devon as Indeviel even though Devon has changed so much, but also how Visander literally only lives and dies for his thousand year old grudge against the Dark King, while Devon literally forgot his grudge against Lions and became close with one.

What does this mean? IDK. I think this means im ill about my favorite unicorn boy and think about him too much. Entirely possible im reading too much into this or something.

[vaniloqu3nce]

Yoko Headcanons Pt 3. (this has been in my draft for a while)

Yoko isn’t a big romcom fan but Enid and Divina are so her and Wednesday end up watching them begrudgingly for their girls. That does NOT stop them from complaining though.

Wednesday: Yoko I can feel my brain cells deteriorating.

Yoko: Girl same im getting dumber watching this and I’m already the dumbest person here.

Unlike Enid, Divina helps Yoko study on her own and teaches Yoko little tricks to help her remember things in class. Enid usually just lets her copy.

Though Yoko acts very confident, she does have a lot of insecurities surrounding her intelligence because she’s never been really good at operating in a school setting. Things that don’t immediately capture her attention will often not keep her attention very long.

Yoko can sit and read Wednesday’s books for an hour straight squealing but she cannot take a math test for thirty minutes.

Yoko finds out Wednesday likes Enid (not that she didn’t already guess) because Viper so obviously has a crush on a new character that’s supposed to be Enid.

Enid and Yoko met in their freshmen year, Yoko tried flirting with Enid but Enid wasn’t really interested. Which is how they became best friends.

Young Yoko was a bit more of a menace and much more spoiled due to her wealthy upbringing. She absolutely thought she could have anyone she wanted and Enid was like “I’m not really attracted to you.”

Yoko: Not possible but OKAY.

Enid: Well do you want to be friends?

Yoko: This is literally the most embarrassing day of my life. Yes.

Enid and Yoko are literally inseparable. Yoko is an only child and Enid has only brothers. They’re literally so thankful for each other.

Because of her upbringing, Yoko has a lot of trouble showing and expressing negative emotions. Enid is like a sister to her and is always patient with Yoko when she needs time.

Yoko calls Divina princess, at first it was an insult because she’s stuck up and such, but it grew on both of them. Yoko is very affectionate with Divina when they’re alone, Divina loves it.

Divina: Get up. We have class.

Yoko: Come back to bed, princess. It’s cold.

Divina: Because you’re dead. Get up.

Yoko: You don’t love me.

Divina, rolling her eyes and climbing back into bed with her: You’re right. I hate you.

Yoko: Mhm. :)

Nobody in their right mind besides Enid would believe Yoko is so affectionate and loving because outwardly she is so against relationships and she kicks girls out as soon as they’re done. “I’d call you a cab but you live next door.”

Yoko is in fact only soft for Divina.

I raise you Yoko and Wednesday having a talk about being afraid of emotions.

I raise you Enid and Divina wondering if their girls actually like them because they have those kinds of insecurities and little do they know their girls would die for them without question.

I raise you Wednesday at first being jealous of Yoko until she realizes there couldn’t be anything to be jealous of because all Enid and Yoko do is argue.

Yoko, kicking the door down: Wednesday get your fucking girlfriend shes DOING IT AGAIN

Enid: Babe DONT LISTEN TO HER SHES LYING

Wednesday, sighing: Do you want this chapter done or not, Yoko?

Yoko: with ALL MY HEART MI AMOR

Enid: STOP FLIRTING WITH MY GIRLFRIEND FOR CHAPTERS

Yoko: STOP TELLING MY GIRLFRIEND WHEN I SKIP CLASS

Basically Wednesday was jealous up until she realized they’re basically siblings and they are trying to kill each other at least 90% of the time.

Divina had to win over Enid and Wednesday first. It was like asking for their daughter’s hand in marriage.

Wednesday: What are your intentions with our idiot?

Enid: I will skin you alive if you ever hurt her.

Wednesday: I’m so in love with you.

Thing, Yoko, and Enid have girls nights.

Yoko never liked Tyler either. “He just looks like a card board cut out.”

Yoko actually wants to become a movie director but not many people know that. Specifically horror movies.

Yoko was the kind of kid who would film her own movies on her phone.

Since Yoko has trouble expressing herself, her forms of love come in physical ways. Bumping Enid in the halls, playing with Divina’s fingers in class when she’s distracted, ect.

Wednesday and Yoko actually become amazing friends. They have a lot to bond over. Their love of horror, they both hate Tyler, they both have girlfriends who love them more than anything, they’re both bad at expressing emotions.

[kasaneteto]

moving thoughts after being here for a week:

WELL it’s definitely better than living with my previous roommate. i don’t hate it so that’s a plus. however this has been (as expected) very hard for the cats… alice (cat who already lived here) has previous trauma that is making her super on edge all the time and zuzu is being his usual self which will always get the same reaction from everyone. i swear to god it DOES NOT MATTER how much i preface with “he’s crazy he will do this the moment your back is turned” NOBODY GETS IT or maybe they just don’t take me seriously???? and then they act all surprised when exactly what i said would happen does indeed happen. i am so fucking exhausted after this week 😭 BUT!!! even though zuzu is being an asshole and they were underprepared for him they are still the kind people i love and they have a great attitude about it. they aren’t blaming any of this on me OR him which is great. theyre actually treating him like a roommate too and not just an animal.

living with these people… isn’t too hard so far. i will say i have noticed that they are SO NEGATIVE about everything. its something im gonna have to learn to let roll off of me. eventually i’ll tell brittany ive made this observation bc i genuinely think its making her life so much worse to be constantly passing judgement. it certainly made my life worse when i was still doing that. she’s gotta read the four agreements lol. sean is the one im having more trouble around. he’s totally agreeable and kind its just really hard for me to talk to him. its like his head is always in the clouds or something, he just goes in circles and says the same thing over and over again (literally like he will say a sentence thats just the same thing said 3 different ways in one sentence) and it makes me like…. not want to talk to him. because whenever i do i get stuck in an endless dialogue tree 😭 i hate being a people pleaser. eventually i’ll be able to tell him “um ok space now” but im not comfortable enough here yet 😭😭😭

anyways. its been rough but im doing okay. finding my footing and all that. time to apply to coffee shops today (the way the one ive been trying to get hired at near my old apartment is hiring again 😭 i’ll go all the way back over there to work at the gay coffee shop tho idc)

[confessions-official]

i feel like im so fundamentally different from everyone else. not in a "quirky omg not like other girls!!" way or whatever or in an edgy teenager way, not like there's anything wrong wiht that we all have our phases but. i've been called weird and strange and odd and every synonym of the words above a million times over my entire life and i've tried so hard to be like everyone else. i've tried time and time again and every single time i just come off as more weird or too much or too little or just too something. i just don't think i can anymore, i give up at this rate. but i've tried so many times. at this rate i just come off as intimidating and i think i'm done trying because it's better than coming off as awkward i guess. im kind of stuck in an infinite loop because i can only be around folks ive known for years to actually feel like i can exist without having to be somebody im not. i cant meet new people because im unapproachable, i hate being approached, and i cant approach people. i cant keep conversations going with folks i dont know or make small talk or greet them or whatever. im completely inapplicable to what most people consider a normal conversation. im generally just so outcast from everybody else and i can't figure out why. i try to observe people and i read article after article and try to look at their vocab and body language n whatnot but i just cant do it right. its like im missing one little piece of it and maybe that's it being natural but it's not like i can do that. i can't just "be myself" either, i've tried and it didn't work out for the better. i'm not a particularly bad person either, nobody's ever come to me to talk about anything of the sort like that and if i had hurt them in some way i apologized and quit doing x thing. i try literally so hard. i fight so desperately and yet all i get over and over nowadays is just "youre scary lol" or something of the sort. it's either that or the same old same old of being considered odd n whatnot. i dont know why but i cant fix it. it's not even my fault but its like im just somehow completely wrong or unacceptable or something. i think i give up on trying. i kind of expect im going to end up alone at some point if i lose like the one person im actually comfortable around but if the only way to get people to like me is to desperately attempt to be someone im not for the millionth time im not going to do that. this is frustrating and annoying and exhausting and i just cant deal with the constant repeats anymore. whats the point in trying to meet new people if they all act the same way about me and never tell me why i come across so out of place. this sucks. i dont know what im expected to do anymore

 

[justcallmesolll]

My silly little top tens

yeen rambles #10

stealing this idea from the wonderful @whitestorm4prez bc originality is dead!!!!!!!!!!

anyways ive only read the first arc but most of the major shit was spoiled for me on the internet.

#10 Thrushpelt. i love him!! he's such a nice guy. i feel really bad for him for his one-sided love of Bluestar. she missed out frfr. but even when Bluestar makes it super clear she doesnt like him, does he hold a grudge? no. does he resent her? no. what does he do? become her friend instead. amazing man.

#9 Darkstripe. i think he's both the most hilarious and fucking balling my eyes out sad villain ever at the same time. dude just got fucked over most of his life. i mean i find him sily because every time he tries something, it fails horribly. but at the same time, he's got fucking no-one. he's alone. no friends, nothing. the one guy he trusted with his life turns out to not even care about him at all. i mean seeing him scramble to revive what little there is left of tigerstars plan, seeing everyone leave him, him realising that nobody was truly on his side. his last moments preaching for a dead man who never cared for him. his life being over like that. he never did anything meaningful, and he died like that. im gonna write more abt this a some point but yea!!

#8 Tallstar. his character arc is one of the most heartwarming things ever. yes, he was a shitty leader, but do ya know what? he grew as a person. he changed and made himself better. i also think him and Jake r cute and i LOVE the headcannon that he thought fireheart was jake coming to save him and his clan.

#7 Bluestar. RIGHT OK. i know i say i hate her but by god how can i not like her at the same time???? i mean all her life was just horrible shit. and she stuck through it. i know she was a real bitch coming towards the end of her life, but she stayed, stone faced and understanding to most cats around her. tigerclaw was just the straw that broke the camel's back. but most of her life she was so awesome.

#6 Cloudtail. i think hes such a silly guy!!! he's a big hot-headed atheist!!! silly guy. him and brightheart are so cute together. and yea thats it literally hes just silly thats why i like him

#5 Longtail. I LOVE HIM SM OMGGG the fan service he gets is so good. but the most important thing is his character arc. from being a bully, but all round loyal cat, to desprately trying to prove his loyalty to firestar by any means possible. longtail thinks that firestar sees him as disloyal, but firestar proves him wrong, asking him to come on the journey with him the relationship between them is so nice to see.

#4 Greystripe. what a guy. hes amazing. he puts up with firheart way more than he should have to. i mean fire is a straight up dick to him alot of the time and he sticks with him like a loyal friend. i love him hehehe

#3 Ashfur. if u cant tell already, i like villains. i like Ashfur alot actually. cant help feeling bad for him. mans had a rough time. grew up without a mother, was practically ignored by his mentor, when he finally found someone who gave him a little attention who does undeniably treat him like her mate, she just turns around and goes "yeah no lol i was just w u to make brambleclaw jealous lmao." he was plunked right on his head and left alone with no-one to care about him. the only person who slightly cared about him was his sister, and she was too caught up in her own shit to help. its the sticky feeling you have knowing that if he were just cared for right, he could have turned out just fine. instead, he was neglected and left to become what he did.

#2 Hawkfrost. i love the fan service hawk gets honestly. im a huge fan of the artwork he gets. hes cool. i like the idea of him feeling the need to prove himself to his father. but yea hes just cool thats why i like him tbh.

#1 to absolutely no-ones surprise, my #1 fave warriors character, is SOL. hes so silly. but no fr, hes the funniest fucking villain ever. he sucks ass at being a fucking warrior and he comes accross the clans and is just like "yea yk what im gonna fuck with em." he literally gaslight gatekeep girlbosses all 4 of the clans and he actually gets away with it. i also just like his whole asthetic, and THE FUCKING FAN SERICE HE GETS???? HOLY SHIT ITS SO COOL. i swear you cant make Sol fanart look bad bc hes just so fuckin cool. silly little guy!!

[poptart-cat-78]

Favorite ouat character(s) and why?

Oooooh WHY would you ask me this?! UGH okay I guess I’ll list my top 5 OUAT characters

1.) Emma Swan

If you’ve been on my blog AT ALL you know Emma is a comfort character for me. Although personality wise Im nothing like her, I always found myself relating to her and her story, even if Im not an orphan or have had a toxic relationship. The story of an orphan girl who thought she would never be loved, never find her parents, always be abandoned becoming a woman with a family who would do anything for her, a son who brought her to said family and a man who sticks by her side through hell and back (literally) just 🥺🥺🥹🥹. The way she had walls around her to protect herself from being betrayed to opening up, learning to trust and learning it’s okay to be vulnerable. I just love her and her character arc, also she made me love the story of the Ugly Duckling. The things this woman went through, nobody deserves that, I just wanna hug her.

2.) Henry Mills

One of the two characters I’m most alike. As a child I loved fairytales and Disney and it’s why I was so drawn to this show when I first saw the trailer for it. Just like Henry, I want people to be the best versions of themselves but I know that’s not always the case. I believe in magic and have this very optimistic look on life (just like Snow as well). Also you really can’t have Emma without including Henry, they’re a package deal and the two main characters of OUAT. Also why do people find him annoying???

3.) Mary Margaret Blanchard aka Snow White

For similar reasons why I like Henry. I’m more like her than I am actually like Emma XD. I believe love is a powerful emotion, no matter WHAT kind of love it is. Like Henry, she believes in magic, is hopeful and optimistic, traits I also possess (but tbh I might have gotten those traits from watching the show for 6 years)

4.) Killian Jones/ Captain Hook

The first person to read Emma like an open book. The tension these two had in Tallahassee??? HELLO??? He’s an orphan, just like Emma. He was traded into slavery with his younger brother Liam, like WHO DOES THAT TO THEIR CHILD (looks at Brennan). He spent centuries trying to avenge the murder of his first love, Milah and that’s the kind of devotion Emma needed. He became a better man not just to win her over, but for his own sake too. He let Emma lead the entire way through their relationship and respected her boundaries, but stuck by her side through hell and back (yes, I used this term twice)

5.) Robin Hood

One of the two most devastating deaths in the show (the other was Hook but he came back to life so does his death really count?) He just had so much potential and Regina was genuinely happy with him. I like to pretend he attended CSes wedding because Im a 🤡.

Also yes I’m aware that I had deep meaningful reasons for the other characters, Im just salty about Robin Hood’s death okay?

Thanks for the ask @nerdy-girl3791! ✨✨✨

[shameonmeeguiltypleasure]

Personal share: I just needed to vent this out to a void of some sort.

Nobody warns you about the 'literal' COST of Living you face once your born. I feel like my childhood was me being scammed into spending a bunch only to be later slapped in the face with the receipt and expected to pay it. "What?You can't pay it? Well let's make it a debt you owe me, now get to work bitch"

I'm sharing this here because honestly, I think if anyone I know and love in my real life were to hear me out they'd tell me what I already know "That's just Life".

With how sensitive i am right now, I'd break down into a sobbing mess and I can't afford that right now......

- Im on the verge of feeling numb again, like brittle and so ready to disappear.

-Im struggling to feel passion and feel stuck in an endless cycle of work, sleep, eat repeat.

- I feel empty and a constant thrum of nausea at everything I say, do or when I see my reflection.

-Ive tried buying my joy and short bursts of satisfaction but it always leaves my bank account empty and fades too quickly.

-I miss my parents, but I'm a adult now and they expect adult things from me. They don't have time for my mood swings because I'm "just too much"

-My sister is drained from work and I don't want to be an additional burden

-My best friend is preparing to fight for her new career and I don't even have my liscense to drive. (I have no idea why she still keeps me around when I'm so unambitious)

- My cousin has lost so much weight and im growing jealous of her confidence. (She's married and has 3kids!! I'm jealous that she's found someone she trusted to start a family with and I'm still a lonely sob)

-My brother is moving out to live with his long term gf and start his studies. (He has no loans thanks to my sis and I, Obvs doesn't respect or care for me as much as he does her. I deserve it honestly, but it still stings sometimes)

- I struggle to speak most days because I just don't think. I have anything worth saying. (But my job requires me to call ppl and I cant afford to lose this gig)

-I struggle to eat because I just can't find the balance between starving and overindulgence. (I love my body. But there are parts of me I feel I need to change because society or loved ones say I should)

-I struggle to socialise because I just don't share the same interest as those around me or my work colleagues. (Is this because I don't know who I am some days? Or because I just don't have the energy to be contradictory to somebody else's opinion?)

-Im constantly sick and feel guilty for taking days off and still getting sick leave pay. (My job caters to this!! It's in my contract so why can't my brain stop making everything feel like doomsday!?)

- I don't often make mistakes but when I do their huge and I feel immense shame and guilt everytime. I'd offer up my limb if it would make the bad feeling go away. (These are the moments I wish I could read minds, I just want to know what I'm doing wrong so I can fix it!? Is it actually ok or are you just saying that then talking shit bout me behind my back?)

Honestly..... I just don't think I value myself enough right now, I don't think Im seeing my worth and I desperately need to fix it before it becomes worse.

I've had this fight before and I won, I'm not doing it again.

I'm tired.

God am I tired.

Fuck.

If this doesn't ease up before my next one to one with my boss, I'll ask them to send me to therapy (work benefit is that'll be free)

[verycharismaticdragon]

Tag 10 People You Wanna Get to Know Better

tagged by @mu-qingfang-stan-account ty <3

relationship status: single (as in "too scared to try finding someone to date considering the state of queer rights here rn")

favorite colors: *james pokemon voice* its lavender (but honestly purple in all shades. my life have improved immensely when i started dyeing my hair purple and getting clothes to match)

favorite food: this is so broad uh... if its sweet stuff I gotta go with ice cream because whatever u want. it got u. and if we are talking about proper meal foods i think i gotta say chicken. shes so versatile what cant she do

song stuck in your head: oughh i cycle thru so many... i guess Leia (Rondo cover) came up a lot in the last few days

last thing you googled: spelling of some word, dont remember which. i often do this bcus im not confident in my spellings, esp with longer words, because I only learned them visually and that doesn't necessarily mean all letters or in the right order. wait i think it was resurrect, i keep forgeting if its two "s"s or two "r"s in there (yes i googled it again to spell it rn)

time: 13:40

dream trip: listen this is just gonna be sad if i answer it, so lets not

last thing you read: I'm currently super mega slowly rereading Scum Villain - like, taking notes every page slowly - so that's been going for the past month or so. If we're talking finished, then pipi's You Fei.

last book you enjoyed reading: I did enjoy Fei a whole lot! As usual, I'm a sucker for priest's ability to entwine some absolute clownery with so much subtle (and sometimes not subtle) heartbreak. Also the more I hear from my friend who branches out into BG cnovels/cdramas the more I realize how special a female protagonist like Fei is.

last book you hated reading: a danmei novel that shall remain unnamed bcus it was recced by a mutual. meanwhile i regret finishing it. the plot was such a friggin soap opera. literally almost Every soap opera trope. i'm surprised nobody's clone showed up, it wouldnt have been out of place! the ship dynamic was good so i finished to get their happy ending but. kinda felt that it wasn't worth it in the end.

favorite thing to cook/bake: gotta be meringues, as long as you know the perfect time for your particular oven theyre literally SO easy to make. and tasty. I like making blini too but they are kinda stressful because you gotta stay on them the entire time.

favorite craft to do in your free time: cross-stitch, it's somehow just the right proportion of mindlessness and engagement for me

most niche dislike: there's this special kind of annoying fans that make me dislike thing that they are fan of literally just because it becomes associated in my mind with their annoyingness. (I don't know how to explain every nuance of how they are annoying, but most often it involves being shitty about something else, that I already like.) And it kinda pisses me off not just on its own, but also on behalf of the thing they are fan of. Like - it usually doesn't deserve my ire! it's literally just the fans, and only some specific ones! But I can't stop my brain from cringing at the sight of the thing. ugh. So: hate it when this happens.

opinion on circuses: im more interested in the aesthetic concept of circuses than in any real ones.

do you have any sense of direction: yeah im pretty good with it, both in "reading maps" way and in "understanding where things are located relative to each other and alternate routes/shortcuts" way

tagging: god please I always forget every single person I ever seen or talked to when it comes to tagging. Literally any of my followers, I'm interested, I wanna hear about u, if you'd like to do this say i tagged you and go off

[violasmirabiles]

no but real talk this whole. applying for jobs thing is making me feel so fucking stupid about myself. which im very aware is 90% just me not being neurotypical but GOD. its like i cant read. i cant do anything. i dont know what i want. worse, i dont know what I Am Allowed To Want. what do you want from me!!!!!!!! if i have to read one more "requirements include an applicable degree" with no examples as to. what they consider an Applicable Degree i will fucking kill myself. cos my brains telling me my degrees worth Nothing because its not something Useful like idfk social sciences or any stem field or. anything at all really. cos i got my silly little degree reading some silly little books. like literally the thesis statement of my masters thesis is Blorbo From My Books Has PTSD :(. once wrote an essay comparing different coffee commercials. and since im not a teacher nothing im good at that i want to do has to do with my degree anyway. so not only do i feel stupid and inherently unqualified for everything ever i also feel like a massive fake and fraudster and like every good thing i say about myself is a lie. 28 years old and the last and only time i even had a job was seven years ago for a year and my hell brain tries to tell me its not enough and also that it doesnt count because i was randomly offered that job on the app formerly known as twitter. former boss literally slid to my dms asking if i wanted it. so my brains decided it somehow doesnt count as a real job. and i KNOW. i KNOW its once again like im standing next to my brain watching it think all this bullshit like bruh. are you fucking serious. (it is. so serious. and so wrong. but so convincing because its loud). god. i know nobody knows what theyre doing in life ever but right now im feeling some serious "this is a game and everyone knows the rules but me and also somehow im stuck playing on hard mode while the others are playing on easy" and i just :( want to put stickers in my planner

[fawnfulart]

YOU KNOW WHAT WHILE IM BEING ANNOYING AND ABUSING THE TEXT POST FEATURE,,,

I had an experience a few years ago where a close friend of mine said something like "yeah I dont do that anymore ever since you said x about it, I realized it wasnt good for me." And this advice that I gave was something I barely remember saying. It was insignificant, it was in passing, probably at 11pm in her car on a very routine drive home, but somehow it stuck in my friend's brain and contributed to their personal growth and happiness. People I work with swear the funniest jokes I've told are ones I dont remember telling. I keep having this experience over and over again where I realize everything matters, even the things that are so small you haven't kept track of them. I exist to people when when I'm not there in the same way perfect strangers have no idea they exist to me because of something tiny and unimportant that happened between us.

Like five months ago I decided I wanted to post cringe and write shameless smut but I was afraid to do it in the circles I normally run in so I made a new account and I started tinkering around with fanfiction. I started writing A Long Way Off somewhere in that time bc I've always wanted to do a long fic, and my feelings are so big, and in my mind nobody would read it and idk it would probably get no attention and maybe I would get a nice comment on a chapter where the blorbos kiss or something.

I don't know what's in that fic that speaks to people but I've gotten a handful of DMs and messages and comments from unrelated people where they will tell me things about their lives. Things that are like personal and important--about times they've been bullied, about difficult experiences theyve had, about coming out, about times they've been a bad friend or had a bad friend, about times they weren't grown up enough to solve a thing they might be more suited so solve now. All kinds of formative things. All kinds of challenging things.

And like I'm a nobody on the internet?? I'm not wise or notable. I don't know for sure why I'm being trusted with this kind of information about strangers but it means an absurd amount that a thing I'm doing for fun and for hehe make the blorbos kiss is like...in some way meaningful to people.

And basically what I've learned form all this is--

If you want to make something, then make it. If you have something kind to say, then say it.

Full stop. Because you literally have zero idea who you've touched in your life or how. Everything everyone does is so important, even the stupid stuff. People seeing people, meeting people, touching people, that's whats important. And we do it all the time every day without even trying. Literally nobody has any fucking idea when they're doing that.

I dont remember the funniest joke I've ever told and I'm glad I don't. I would have fucked it up if I was too busy aggrandizing it in my mind.

[mjammies]

Can someone come and collect Apsen (the Elite)

rereading the selection series havent read it since probably high school. i am currently reading the elite and here are my thoughts for a couple chapters. new developments as ive gotten older, 1) I hate america with every fiber in my being and 2) apparently im team maxon now. Things that havent changed, 1) grammar and spelling still suck and 2) too lazy to fix those issues previously mentioned. anywho here are my thoughts for the elite ch 11-13

Ch  11

Post rodding incident:

-marlee and carter are together and miss thing is still mad

-doesnt see how canning is merciful over dying 

-Oppression olympics!! Trying to tell the others they would be begging for death over rodding, girl stop

-”im sure ive experienced far worse than you” okayyy heres a cookie miss maam

-now you lunging at people cause they calling your friend names. Okayy i get it but i think this stuff is striking a cord in you. Like was that a personal attack. 

-not the nurses spreading gossippp. Lol not them ready for that girl to get jumped. As i said if it was celeste getting the beating miss thing wouldnt even bat an eye

-celeste out here putting glass in the gurlls shoes omgg

-not celeste out here hitting the help omgggg

-girlll stopp asking about marlee, she did what she did and that is the end of that. No body is moving, marlee is out living her life with her busted man.

-girllllll pick-me pick-me pick-me, you should know by now HEIS NOT LETTING YOU GO 

Like get it through your thick red skull that you could literally jump his father and he would still find a way to let you stay, like give it up unless you decide to go home you will literally be stuck in this palace forever so hang it up NEOW.

-out of all the people you dont trust and its maxon like girl stop

Ch12

-here come aspen, rolls eyes 

-a date?! Are you kidding me. Aspen kys pls, thank you 

- im ready for this castle to blow up 

-”we might get caught” I SURE HOPE SO

-”if you ever want to seek around the palace im the guy to do it with” OKAYYY BOTH OF YALL KYS THEN cause what 

-”i was still worried, but i needed to be comforted so badly” okay so your also a w****

-not aspen tryna sabotage. YOU CANNOT COMPETE WITH A PRINCE, HANG IT TF UP ASPEN

-yall thinking he gon do the ole bait and switch. Start beating on that girl as soon as the vows are read or something

-” i feel so stupid” YOU SHOULD 

-”i couldnt imagine being with anyone else” buttt…… dont you marry her maid so…..

-”im really sorry maxon turned out to be such a bad guy.” HUH! Whatthehellyouisyoutalmbout

When did we decide he was a bad guy, when did the council come to THAT decision 

-”maxons hold on me was slipping away” the hold of a PRINCE is slipping away.. Okay pack it  up ELECTRIC CHAIR for yous BOTH

-brooo they caught yall in a closet plz bffr

-loll they called miss girl a clown thats so funny 

-see now theyre both treasonous talm bout tried to release her during her canning, now youre in last place with the nation 

-”make sure shes worthy” WELL I CAN TELL YOU WHO ISNT! WITH A QUICKNESS TOO

Ch13

-“The king was expecting me to fail” you know what, if i was the king id want you to fail too lmao

-”I ran from the room” -1000000000 aura points, toughen up plzzzz

-”when aspen slid my door open that night” the way i would be standing there waiting on him with a gun cause have you lost your MINDDDD

-”you know who you are dont let anyone try to change you” broo nobody like America BUT YALL

-”all you know how to do is play the piano? Suddenly you’re supposed to know how to do clerical work” bruhhh do yall think sitting at a desk is going to kill you like PLZZZZ -broo what is he gonna do with these pennies

-first pennies now buttons mad face

-oh so it sacrifices what you want, is that it!!! It is cause he has nothing else to give????!!!?!?!?!?

-”Apsen’s generosity was harder to see because it wasnt as grand as Maxon’s, but the heart behind what he gave was so much bigger” SO….. youre telling me that if maxon gave you a STICK then it would mean more to you

[luffythinker]

your input matters a lot to me im including something in my fanfic i can never finish, i've had months to sit on it and i think i want my Shikanaru story to be trans medical ninja Shikamaru/Naruto

im starting from the beginning, so like bab genin Shikamaru, he decided, he just decided before he became a genin maybe sometime before that that he would be a boy from now on it's easier in the long run and he fits in with the boys easy

I don't know how to write his parents feeling about this but from the hand full of fics i've read with Shikamaru's parents in them his mom i feel like because i don't want her to phobic of any kind at first she's all "wahh my little girl" cause she always wanted a pretty little girl but she accepts Shikamaru for what he is, his dad is also "neat, always wanted a son" aditude.

I wont be using them for the source of problems. (idk why but i just always felt like Konaha was full of phobics, like I HAVE NO IDEA WHY but i just feel like there are a lot of old ways people in this village and some of this bleeds into the children. Like Naruto never had that and Iruka is chill and basically Naruto's guardian, Iruka is a gay man, Kakashi is a gay man but Konoha doesn't have a whole lot of gay or lesbian people and this just started being a thing people don't know that Iruka is gay but they know very much Kakashi is gay cause Gai is literally right there.

The kids start growing up with this trans,gay,lesbian stuff and the people are just too stuck in their old ways however like to believe they come around after Naruto literally saves their asses several 100 times.

i think we spoke about this before about Sakura not being 100 percent on the train at first cause i or somebody else said at first Sakura she doesn't think it would be normal for girls to date however when she realizes Ino likes her or she likes ino that she might be bisexual, and having Naruto as a friend she is in direct contact with a bisexual person i don't remember your stance on Sakura so please let me know i just think her parents would be those kinda people but Sakura at first saw it their way until she found out nothing is wrong with these people i literally hang out with a gay man, that's my squad leader.

i say all that to say, i don't think Sakura would really agree with Shikamaru but she doesn't know cause she doesn't hang out with Shikamaru at this point shes dense and believes face value this is a boy.

But i think later my favorite part is when Shikamaru Naruto and Sakura are basically a team they were always together when Sasuke was gone and i think then she becomes friends with Shikamaru and he eventually tells her hes trans and she is very blown away she did not know for real for real.

I think Ino's parents wouldn't mind if their child was whatever and Ino is very open about a lot of things but she sees how Sakura is and that's another reasons she doesn't say anything, frim believe in Ino crushing on Sakura and pretending to like sasuke so Sakura will like her i saw a comic where somebody said Ino got the arm warmers like Sasuke to try and make Sakura think she's cool it was funny

ANYWAY lets go back to talking about Shikamaru.

since Ino,Choji and Naruto are his childhood friends im chalked it down to Ino definitely knows and doesn't understand why a girl would want to be a boy at first when she was a kid but later she just doesn't question it cause live your life. when shes a genin she believes Shikamaru has always been odd and lazy since she'd known him so she respects it even if she doesn't understand it as a genin.

Choji knows and to him it's as far as anything is considered Shikamaru's always been a boy and he doesn't make a big deal out of it at all, never brings it up unless it's a need to? their Genin so Shikamaru is flat as a post, can get away with making a deeper voice or not cause nobody has gone through puberty yet so all of their voices are squeaky and high nobodies gonna know or notice. he'd buy Shikamaru pads trust.

I think Naruto isn't particularly observant or detail-oriented as a genin, he'd scratch his head and be like something's different but idk what - unable to put his finger on what it is. But Naruto is also very open-minded, he accepts people for who they are not what they are. it wouldn’t matter much to him if he found out or was told whether Shikamaru was a boy or a girl. He probably always thought Shikamaru has always been a bit different, but would respect him regardless.

Kiba was also really close to Shikmaru's friend circle as a kid and i think Kiba would know because he can smell it, but Shikamaru keeps saying hes a boy so Kiba thinks Shikamaru is confused at first until he explains it to him and hes all "oh ok" and doesn't care anymore.

Later down the line i plan on having Shikamaru and Neji be friends and i want to have Neji actually struggling with gender as well, Neji is also trans cause this person on tiktok they made a trans Neji video and i was like YES but i also had my own HC's about Neji its hard for me to decide whether he's trans or not i have to sit down and think about it. But his gender journey with Shikamaru i wanna write that.

Overall i think Shikamaru deciding to present as male makes life easier for him cause being a women is hard this coming from a women. No more high expectations of being a women, this appeals to his simple life but now i've got myself second guessing and thinking maybe he should be non binary cause presenting as neither sounds up his alley

this got really long bro sorry

woah this was a journey, but I do have some thoughts on all you presented here, so I'm gonna go with Sakura first cause it's shorter and then we go over to Shikamaru and his relationships with the the others

I think Sakura is really just a queer girl dealing with a lot of internalized homophobia, from what we've seen from the anime her family is just normal, nothing too different, I wouldn't say they are violently homophobic but not open about lgbtq people either, it's like one of those families who go to the church and hear being gay is a sin so they believe it and these beliefs are passed down to their daughter. I don't think Sakura would be transphobic to Shikamaru., still, she would be microaggressive, not by intention but because she doesn't understand and because she's also struggling with things herself, so she ends up being mad that someone can live their true self so openly. (i mentioned a few weeks ago here the movie Happiest Season, and now with what you said I'm thinking she would relate a lot to Harper)

All this to say that my girl sakura just needed some time to understand herself better and then she would be able to understand others too.

Now onto Shikamaru being trans, personally, I love this headcanon/idea because it would make a lot of sense for him one day to just understand and decide he is a boy and just go on with his life! I don't think his parents would be homophobic at all actually, Shikaku gives me major ally vibes, like he doesn't know much but he's all for people being happy with who they are, and same for Yoshino (i have a soft spot for the Nara family because Shikaku's scene in the war made me cry a lot when I was watching shippuden lol)

Naruto just does not care, i feel like he is a lot like fluffy in this sense. You come out to him? ok, i don't know what that is but do you! naruto is just cool with everyone, and if his friend tells him he is a boy, he is a boy and that's it, no second thoughts. I don't know how the village itself would go about this tho because they were pretty nasty with Naruto, but I wonder if they wouldn't be more open to other types of diversity, maybe it wouldn't be that much of a big deal unless its the head of a clan (?) but then again gai basically adopted lee and no one bats an eye so idk, I like to think in general konoha is open to queer people but certain clans could be more strict about it because of old ways like inheritance, bloodlines, and succession.

I love the idea that kiba knows shika is trans because of his smell kjdfkjfdkjdf its so funny!! i think choji is really chill as well, he's had to deal with a lot of people making fun of him sometimes, so he would never do that to someone else, and since ino-shika-cho are 4everz he would never say something that could hurt a bond like this! Same for Ino, i believe she is super open because she comes from a very progressive family (if we take canon in consideration, her father seemed super cool, and her family in boruto is super chill, and the way her and Sai raised Inojin is adorable too)

Now the most interesting part of all this would be shikamaru and neji, because I also headcanon neji as trans, and for him that would be a mess and extremely complex and difficult. And thinking about him reminded me of I saw the TV glow, it's a very interesting movie that i think could represent Neji very well, i think he would try to hide and refuse to accept himself until he couldn't, his ending could be really tragic if it was not for shikamaru showing him that life could be better.

[splatterschool]

I’m such a fucking idiot. Like honestly what the hell.

My whole life I’ve been reading stories about girls like me getting abused by guys who wear all the red flags on their sleeves. I always think to myself “how can you possibly fall for that? How can you see what that man’s like and decide to stick with him?” I thought they were naive, and that I was well educated, and raised to not take bullshit from a guy who only cares about beating the shit out of me or having sex.

And then it happened to me. My opinion hasn’t changed, I still think those girls are idiots. I’m one of them too I’m retarded asf because I saw everything that was wrong with that boy and willingly stuck with him. I was 99% sure he lied about everything, so I don’t even know why it hit me so hard when he revealed it all to me. He always made sexual remarks about me, always told me about when he masturbated, showed me all the subreddits he was in, showed me his racist and sexist memes, told me about how he called a middle schooler hot, and I told him all of my weaknesses for literally no reason.

I told him about how I wrapped blankets around my throat and pulled on them like a garrote just to know the feeling. Told him about how I liked to rip the skin off my fingertips or pull my toenails off. And when I told him I had difficulty feeling real, he told me “Well I for one think you’re a real person”

How can you be so good at lying that you make someone who would normally hate everything about you stick around for as long as you wanted? If I was any dumber and decided to stop taking my pills, I probably wouldve let him rape me too. A stupid, geeky sack of shit like him

Acting tough doesn’t make me feel any less disgusting. He’s a total loser, I shouldn’t give a shit about what he thinks about me or said to me. Sure, I can pretend it’s that simple, but even though I never lead him on or let him touch me, I still feel like a slut. Like every night I can’t get ignore the thought of him jerking off to an image of me dead with my eyes gouged out. And then i take sedatives to fall asleep because that thought is horrible and then I remember how he wanted me to be sedated so he could rape me.That’s ridiculous but also kind of impressive. How do you make a girl feel completely violated without ever actually assaulting her?

I tried so hard to make that feeling go away. I mean like I literally ruined his highschool experience. Some of the classes were standing at the front of the school for some fire drill one day, and when I spotted Dane and made eye contact with him, I reached into my pocket, pulled out my razor, and slit my wrist right in front of him. Nobody else saw bc im really good at it and immediately put it back in my pocket.He looked terrified and i felt all proud becos he was seeing just how bad he fucked up the one girl who was good to him. All his “friends” hate him, he can’t get girls; he’s totally screwed. I just wanna feel like a girl again and not some whore, i don’t know why this isnt working

My sexual autonomy is very important to me. Girls my age are having intercourse with guys and tell me about it like it’s the easiest thing in the world but I wanna vomit the second any man tells me about their feelings towards me or stuff they wanna do to me. Its so fucking disgusting id rather kill myself than walk around feeling like my only experience with boys will just be me being sexualized. I do not wanna be sexualized I do not ever want to have sex I want boys to leave me alone forever I fucking hate Gio for telling me i moan whenever I stretch i hate King for asking me to go alone with him at lunch i hate everyone so much I never asked for this

[peacesmith]

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO MY BESTEST FRIEND EVER!!!! it's been so crazy, these last four years omg, to think we met through other mutuals and in the end we stuck together is the most craziest thing I can't wrap my head around.

you honestly mean sm to me and you're honestly one of the reasons why I actually strive to motivate myself because if you can make it to 22 then god damn it, so will I! I got to see you develop as a person, to see you transition into someone who's comfortable in his identity and who you are, I'm just so proud.

I want you to know that even through your hiatuses and breaks I always stayed because you've been so loyal to me (even though im on anon which is like whoa- that's so crazy bcs ik other ppl would've dropped me by now but TRUST on my birthday in june I'll give you my tumblr :D) .

not to mention, your oc creations give me life, I will literally sit and listen to whatever you have to say act your creations bcs it's so interesting me and I remember some early tsk lore so the slow progression is very anticipating but you must take your time bcs nobody should rush perfection fr

but john wick, ily so so so much /platonic and I swear you're one of the best people in my life because you have an impact on me- even if we're online besties. happy birthday bby, I will always stick beside u bestie -✨anon

thank you sparkle! 🙏i read this message like five times today ngl mostly because it was early and i didn’t understand what was happening, that’s not the point. anyways thank you so so so sooooo much, words cannot describe how happy i am to call you a friend, you are so GREAT (trust i have your birthday in my calendar, i WONT forget this time) but just thank you so much