#but im not unhappy with the ending either i suppose

[consciouschunkofmoss]

just finished the changeling's path <3 im not doing well whatsoever

[hecksupremechips]

Time for me to be completely changed as a person! *just watched falsettos*

[poppy-metal]

MARRIAGE COUNSELING W ART PLEASEEEEEEEE GOD THE DEVASTATION THAT TAKES PLACE ON THAT COUCH

i think about it alot. tashi staying with patrick, her injury never happening. your arts college girlfriend and now you're married and it feels fucking stagnant, your relationship. but neither of you wants to give up. neither of you wants to reveal to the other true feelings.

under the cut because this got long and i have a whole au in my hear around this concept

you're only in counseling because of tashi. because shes still in your lives, her and patrick. and she recommended it to art when they were having one of their 'friend' lunches. and now here you are, because of course art took her advice.

he hasn't said anything, though. despite pleading for this. saying he wanted to save your marriage, that he wanted to love you how you should be loved but he didn't know how.

so here you are, on opposite ends of the couch, with the counselor staring at the empty space between you like that in itself is very telling. you suppose it is, in a way. couples who want to stay together should be unified, shouldn't they? you imagine how it would feel, if art had sat next to you. put an arm around you. squeezed you to his side. would you even be able to relax into him? its been so long since you touched eachother that way.

"so im picking up on some distance here," your therapist says. shes a small woman. almost swallowed by her chair. her glasses are perched on her nose as she gazes imperiously at empty space separating you and art. "not just physical either, though thats rather obviously there. but emotional distance. do either of you wanna comment on that?"

you cut a glance at art, expecting him to speak up since this was his idea - well. tashi's. but he just looks down at his lap, quiet. spins his wedding band around his finger.

you feel an anger so intense it pricks your eyes with tears.

"well, i guess you could start with the fact that coming here wasn't even either of our idea. it was his friends."

and now. here art speaks. his head jerks up and she shoots you an annoyed look. "you don't have to say it like that. you always say it like that. her name is tashi and she is my friend. and it was her suggestion, yeah, but it was a good one."

you look at the therapist - janet. raise your eyebrows in arts direction like, get a load of this guy. your legs cross and you start picking at a stray string from the couch.

"first words of the session and its to talk about another woman."

arts inhale is sharp and you can feel his eyes on you but you dont look at him. you can't. you wont. you're right, anyway. he can try to deny it all he wants but you know - you know what you are to him. you know where all your problems stem. you dont need to be here to make any grand discoveries over a fact you've resigned yourself too.

"i see." janet says. "and art having a relationship with this other woman upsets you."

"everything upsets her." art cuts in, sounding tired. his elbow is braced on the arm of the couch and hes chewing on his thumb in one of his nervous gestures. he always did that, as long as you've known him. he was a nail biter, he'd chew his lips raw, he'd nibble on straws, the ends of his pens. he was either lost in thought or agitated. your guess was the latter. "nothing i do makes her happy."

"is this true? are you unhappy with art?"

your skin feels hot. you shift around in your seat. the attention is all on you, and it feels like you've done something wrong, even though you know its literally janets job to ask questions.

"more like i know I'm not what he wants and that makes me...... really fucking sad."

art knees almost knock against yours as he turns his body to face you, giving you his full attention the first time today. you cant meet his eyes still, so you look at the faded spot on his jeans. light blue, like his eyes. you wonder how hes looking at you. cant make yourself look up to see.

"what." he stops. seems to gather some thoughts. tries again, with a steadier tone. "what are you talking about."

you try not to roll your eyes. your arm flings out limply.

"just that this whole thing is a joke, art." and you let out an exasperated laugh, even though nothing is funny. nothing has been funny or light between you two in a long time. "we're only here because the girl you really wanted to marry, told you to get your fucking shit together. you didn't ask us to come here because you wanted to mend something, you're here to please tashi. because if playing a good husband is a role she wants for you - well, you want to play it right, dont you?"

its quiet after that. in the silence you cant help but think about those early days. when you'd been full of love and light and art seemed to be really happy with you. you'd go on dates to the movies, walk through the park together with your hands swinging between you. laugh together and steal kisses whenever you could. you felt high back then.

it didn't even matter that art had a crush on tashi, because hell, you had one too, at the time. but she'd started dating patrick, and they seemed to mesh well together. they were both so intense and passionate. back then, you'd been alot closer to tashi yourself. patrick too. you remember the way she'd rant about how much she fucking hated him, pacing around your room and calling him every name under the sun. and you'd sit there with eager curiosity, and ask her why she didn't end it then. if he makes you so angry, why stay?

and she'd get this faraway look in her eyes. kind of wistful. kind of sad. kind of happy.

"because he makes me feel fucking alive. hes like a - like a drug or something. i cant quit. its addictive, you know?"

that stuck with you. it still sticks with you. you remember being envious of that kind of passion. youe relationship with art had always been so easy. you dont think you'd ever fought by that point. you loved art. you felt safe with art. but were you addicted to him? if you broke up - would you feel withdrawal symptoms?

sometimes you layed awake at night and thought about starting a fight - breaking up for no reason. just to see if he'd fight for you back, if the missing of eachother would be so intense one of you would cave.

but somehow you knew that wouldn't be the case. thats just not how you and art operated. if you got angry, he wouldn't rise to meet you, he'd back down. if you ended things, he wouldn't chase you, he'd let you go.

patrick and tashi were fire and brimstone and you and art was ice and you were....... dirt. solid. walked upon. dependable and not at all exciting.

when art had proposed to you after college graduation it wasn't spur of the moment as it had been with patrick when he'd swept tashi up with a ring and a elopement to vegas. it was talked about and agreed upon and you knew it was coming.

you still said yes.

"you think," and arts voice has a barely concealed tremble to it that makes you look up, finally. you're shocked to see he looks wounded. so many of his expressions you can count on one hand - and this - this wasn't one of them. his eyes are dark, stormy. "you think i dont care about our marriage beyond what someone else has to say about it? you really think that?"

you hate the sliver of guilt you feel, because its not a crazy thing to feel.

"yeah, i really do."

because well, that's the truth of the matter isn't it? you and your husband stare at eachother. and it feels like you're looking at a stranger. not the man who's freckles you used to kiss. who's fears you knew. who's hands you know every callous of, every divot and fingerprint.

"it seems you two have very different views of how the other views this marriage." janet cuts in, sounding curious. she taps her pen against the open notepad on her lap. "art, would you like to chime in on why you wanted to come here? even at the suggestion of someone else?"

art stares at you for a long moment. his face is unreadable to you. his jaw works before his chest expands on an exhale and he looks away.

"i guess i - i just didn't realize how..... stagnant things had gotten until it was pointed out to me. harshly." he winces, and you wonder exactly what tashi had to say to him. you haven't talked to the other woman for some time. contact fizzling out after your marriage to art. he flicks a glance to you, then away again. "im not the best at being aware of shit going on around me." his hand comes up to rub nervously at his neck. "i guess you could say im good at brushing things under the rug. going through the motions. that sort of thing."

janet nods like this makes sense to her. well, great, you think. you know my husband more than i do.

"you're not a fan of confrontation, are you?"

art actually laughs. a genuine one. one that brings a dimple to his cheek and flashes his teeth. you stare at it, like its an exotic animal, and you wont see it again. quickly you catalog the expression in your memory, so you dont forget what he looks like when hes happy.

"yeah, no." he shakes his head. "but I think thats part of the problem. I've obviously let too much shit get put under the rug and now its so full other people are noticing."

you look down at your hands, lips pressed together. your face burns at the knowledge that tashi and by extension - patrick - know your marriage is in shambles. how embarrassing, to be caught lacking in such a momentous way. to come up short and have your husbands friends know about it. you wonder - does he talk about all the ways you make him miserable with them? does patrick shake his head, say, "she's sucking the life out of you, man." does tashi look at him with pity? like hes some poor abused cat that needs to be let in from the rain?

the rain of your marriage.

the rain of you.

you're the storm. you're the problem. you're not enough. art needs fire. you're not even dirt, you're glass. and you can feel yourself breaking.

"that clearly hit a nerve, my dear." janets voice is soft. soothing. she hands you a tissue and you realize you'd begun to cry. "do you want to explain what you're feeling about what art said?"

"i...."

you dab dab dab at your eyes. sniffle. look around the room, trying to collect your thoughts. they feel like flyaway dandelions. you dont know which of them to grasp.

a warm hand settles over yours in your lap and you startle. its arts hand. warm and calloused and tan, covering yours. the gold glint of his wedding ring winks at you, the engraved words etched into them, "my soft epilogue". a shortened version of your favorite qoute i think we deserve a soft epilogue, my love.

at the time, that's what art was to you. your life before him hadn't been easy. being with art had felt like coming home from a long day and falling into a soft bed. it had felt like being able to land after weeks of being made to fly.

you turned your palm up, so he could slide his fingers between yours. he squeezed your hand.

"i think, i. i think i just think - I'm a failure." your bottom lip wobbles. you look at your enterwoven fingers and it makes you so sad that you haven't done the simple gesture of holding your husbands hand in months. "the two most important people in your life are. are so passionate and loud. and i see. i see how happy they make you - and i cant - i cant b-be that for you. we aren't - im not - you dont need me. im not a limb for you how they are. you could extract yourself from me and be. be happier."

your breath shudders out of you.

"you don't need me." you echo.

you wait for him to pull his hand away. this is more than you thought you'd share. some of it you weren't even aware of till the words were spilling from your lips. but they ring true.

without patrick and tashi art would drown. without you..... he'd float just fine.

"and that's important to you." janet says. a statement not a question. "you want to feel needed by art, and you feel as though you aren't. that his needs are met better with his friends than with you."

you nod slowly.

"baby." the word sends a shock through you. not the word itself but how its said. art calls you baby all the time, in a monotonous kind of way. routine. now he says it softly. with feeling. he lets go of your hand in favor of cupping your cheek, still damp with tears, turning your face to his. he looks pained. "of course i need you. i know i haven't been good at showing it. i just - you shut down - after we got married. you've been like a fucking ghost. like you dont want me to touch you. like i could dissappear for all you care and you'd just carry on. i don't know. but i need you, okay? i. need. you."

both hands cup your face, he makes you stare right into him. the conviction in his voice takes your breath away. theres a fire burning there you've thought long put out.

"obviously we have shit to sort out, and we will. but you've got to. you've got to know that. tashi only pushed me to do this because she how - how desperate i was. that's all."

you inhale deeply. exhale. swallow hard. tears cling to your lashes. you reach a hand up to clutch at one of arts wrists. eyes fluttering automatically when you do. you feel grounded again. less like you might float away.

"okay."

"yeah?"

"yeah...." and you smile. it trembles across your lips. but its there. "we'll sort our shit."

art lets out a relieved breath. kisses your forehead, lingering there. the gesture so tender you get emotional again. you want to crawl into his lap, have him wrap you in his arms. you want to feel held by him, like you used to.

"our time is up." janet sets her pen down. smiles. "but i think that was a wonderful first session. i can see the love between you hasn't faded, and that's more i can say for alot of couples who come to see me. keep your chin up."

[lakesbian]

here's every way wildbow accidentally made pre-meiosis "russel" thorburn transgender that i can remember. if you can think of any reasons i forgot please add on

his parents named his younger sister "ivy," as if the obvious grandmother-pandering name "rose" had already been used up. blake theorizes that they used a male version of "rose" for PMT, but this is nonsensical--there is no male form of the name rose, and everything he comes up with as a possible option (in other words, everything wildbow came up with as a possible option) is a major stretch. most don't sound even tangentially like the name "rose." it makes far more sense to assume that PMT was afab and had the deadname rose. (this also makes sense on a thematic level wrt how rose thorburn jr is supposed to be the Real heir that grandmother is forcing blake to die for, but that's getting besides the point)

rose has memories of being harassed over the inheritance by her female cousins, and the idea of these memories just being wholly pulled out of thin air when basically everything else involves memories either being split btwn blake and rose or erased altogether is weird

blake is friends with, like. a lot of gay people. textually runs in poor gay artist circles. the idea of them adopting this weirdly cool cis straight guy is funny but it makes a lot more sense if PMT was trans + gay and only got turned into a straight guy (and a straight girl) yesterday, due to the homophobia demon

PMT literally thinks "Besides, why devote any more attention to your son, when you could just start over?  Have that beautiful baby girl you wanted, right?" which is also like one of the only pieces of internal narration we get from PMT in the entire story. first girl they named rose ran away and did some shit with their gender so now they have a second girl they can't name rose but can still try to raise to go for the inheritance

in the same chapter as when pmt says that, callan is like ohhh you think youre going to worm your way in-, implied sentence ending being "-to the inheritance," which is, like. the family knows it's going To A Girl. so.

PMT was childhood friends with paige, who is The Gay Cousin. it is deeply sensible to imagine them bonding over this, regardless of whether or not PMT (or even paige) knew at the time

it is, like, fully possible for a cishet dude to get sick of living with his shitty toxic abusive family and abscond at the age of 17, but also homelessness is an extremely prevalent issue among transgender kids in abusive families. the narrative of a transmasc kid growing up in an abusive, catholic extended family where girls are pressured to compete for a very gendered inheritance + leaving at the age of 17 & finding a new home among a bunch of gay artists is Significantly more compelling than the cis dude alternative. it just is.

okay i think im running out of, like, logical errors that make sense only if pmt was trans prior to the Obliteration, so as for the thematic stuff. like i said, rose being the half grammy decided was supposed to be "real" and blake being the half that's supposed 2 die for her 2 exist, rose just being unhappy and disconnected by nature of existence while blake is the parts of pmt that escaped from the constraints of the family + found happiness, so on and so forth. "catholic grandmother literally obliterated her transmasc nonbinary grandchild by splitting them into two binary gendered halves & expecting that the man they could've been die to allow the acceptable woman--literally forced to dress in grandmother's clothes--live on and do as grandmother wished" is Everything, doing the same thing but to a cis man grandchild is significantly less compelling

Others who r very old/operating on what are explicitly stated to be oppressive and antiquated gender roles as per the book's themes about inherited/traditional forms of harm keep mistakenly calling blake she/her and rose lmao

??? probably some other thangs im forgetting

[rockwgooglyeyes]

For the oc ask game!!

These are aimed towards Asuka because I love him, but feel free to answer with your other ocs!!

[5] Are they good at keeping secrets?

[11] What are small things that make them happy?

[17] What is their biggest struggle that no one around them is able to understand or believe?

[31] How hard it is for them to own up to their mistakes and wrongdoings?

[33] What are one of their fondest and most treasured memories?

[53] Do they like to sing and how confident they are with their singing?

[59] What would they want to be remembered for?

Sorry that this took me a minute, Toon!! I have been sick the last few days heh and uh. my dog passed away so I've been kind of morose. . . but I hope that these answers suffice!! It's Asuka time babeyyy

okay so update it's been nearly a month and im so sorry i got distracted!! finally sending this out into the world

[5] Are they good at keeping secrets? - No, Asuka isn't good at keeping secrets. In fact, the only times he is good at keeping secrets is in the instances he has forgotten the content of the secret. Unless he's explicitly told that something is a secret, he won't assume/comprehend that and often he will end up telling someone (usually Isla or Leto lmao). Suffice to say, he's let some things slip that he wasn't supposed to lmao

[11] What are small things that make them happy? Finding new stone, witnessing a beautiful sunrise/sunset, getting to spend time with the people he loves, sleeping particularly well, not having to redo his homework. He's not a super complicated person, the small things that make him happy aren't all that hard to find :)

[17] What is their biggest struggle that no one around them is able to understand or believe? Asuka struggles with social interactions and social settings a lot more than he lets on. He can be very forward but he's been hurt before, meaning that he doesn't really trust his own opinion on other people. Not only that, but he doesn't have a good grasp of boundaries, he treats people with great familiarity even when he's only just met them because the amount of time he's known someone doesn't really matter to him. Despite his struggles with socializing and dealing with other people, it's not something super obvious from the outside, especially with his high-energy and his quick wit. I imagine that Leto (@paradisedisconcert) would just tell him to be straightforward and ask someone how they feel about him, while Isla might be on the side of "why does it matter?" Either way, I don't think Asuka really talks to anyone about it because he feels self conscious and also because when he has talked about it, people haven't understood.

He has really bad abandonment issues as well but that's a whole other can of beans and he's not letting anyone know about that.

[31] How hard it is for them to own up to their mistakes and wrongdoings? Unless directly faced with his mistakes or wrongdoings, Asuka doesn't really own up to them. He is very easygoing in nature and he tends to take mistakes in stride, barreling on ahead and learning from the mistake but acting as if it hadn't happened at all. He makes a lot of mistakes, is the thing, so he's not particularly fazed by them and unless someone seems unhappy with him, he probably won't acknowledge it himself. This is also a learned behavior stemming from the way that what he views as a mistake, some people might not, so he tends not to admit to anything unless it is demanded of him.

[33] What are one of their fondest and most treasured memories? One of his most treasured memories is of when he and Isla were children, Isla would sing to him until he fell asleep (he's still an insomniac babey!!) but yeah, he cherishes those memories the most. He holds them close to his heart because that was a time that was so much simpler, before anyone left.

[53] Do they like to sing and how confident they are with their singing? Asuka does like to sing, for sure! He's not super confident in his singing ability but nonetheless, he does have a nice voice! Singing for him is a comfort, reflexive and habitual, something as instinctual as breathing, as familiar as the blood running through his veins. Though he's gotten worse at it as he's aged, he can still sing the old lullabies that Isla used to sing him, and those are usually what he will sing to himself when he can't sleep or he's stressed out.

[59] What would they want to be remembered for? Asuka doesn't have anything in particular that he wants to be remembered for but he wants to be remembered fondly. He wants people to remember that he loved them more than was healthy. He wants them to remember that he loved them and that he would've done anything for them. That's honestly one of the things he's most worried about- people not knowing that he loves them, when he's not around to tell them anymore.

[star-on-a-beach]

Okay um. I really don't like doing this, like, ever

But

Tw for vent post, Bc idk, maybe it'll help if I talk about this where it'll be seen and not on a vent blog where I know no one sees it

So it's pretty obvious that pretty much everything right now is in kind of a shit state and I'm really at the end of my line trying to be optimistic about it. Presidential election, rp, guard, college, art, writing, all of this shit, even stuff I'm supposed to enjoy, makes me want to fucking shatter a rock because I don't want to do anything anymore other than scroll through social media on my phone which, I've probably developed an addiction, and of course that makes me feel even fucking worse bc I told myself I'd never get addicted and look at where I am now

So many things I'm unhappy with are really kind of tying back to me and I'm so angry at everything but especially myself now, but theres nothing I feel like I can do about it but try and break it all down I guess?

There's shit going on with color guard and, other than the friends I've made within it and the actual performances, I don't fucking enjoy it anymore because our coach is apparently super fucking shitty and a liar and unfair and argumentative and never sticks with the drill she writes and doesn't give us the resources to put it together correctly, WHEHN SHES LITERALLY OUR COACH AND THATS HER JOB, IVE TRIED SO HARD TO STAY KIND TO HER BUT WITH EVERYONE AROUND ME TALKING SHIT AND TALKING ABOUT WHAT A BAD PERSON SHE IS IM STARTING TO DO IT TOO AND I HATE IT

And then obviously there's the actual schoolwork that needs to get done, I thought I had not one, not two, but 3 FUCKING ESSAYS DUE ON THE 11TH, WHICH WERE ASSIGNED TO US ON WEDNESDAY, AND EACH HAD TO BE 700 WORDS LONG. Granted it doesn't actually have to be like that but teachers are talking about finals now and I'm going to have SO many essays for that and I have a whole debate too. I'm tired and sick of waking up at ridiculously different times for classes and not being able to have a goddamn nap bc I'm either working, procrastinating with the screens addiction again, or I don't have enough time because god knows I can't take power naps for SHIT, and I'm not fucking paying for coffee in this economy

I can't even relax how I normally want to because I'm so tired from everything, too. Writing big things for TAOCC or drawing feels like a chore, and then I feel obligated to draw others characters or I want to actually do so but I have no energy for it, and I can't get my art to look how I want it to perspective-wise, no matter how many tutorials I look at, and it never ends up the way I want and I haven't even finished TAOCCTOBER or Memoryquest, both of which I feel shitty for, because then they're both more things that I'm giving up on, and I give up on so much shit so easily unless I'm being pushed over and over and over and over, although rn I really wanna just say to hell with it and kill both of them entirely

And with taocc as a whole, I don't even know where to begin. I mentioned in my earlier post that I'm struggling to be assertive and actually say what I want with RP, which results in me feeling really unsatisfied with it a lot. I feel like people aren't interested in my characters and I need to be the one trying to build the characters' connections by asking questions, which. I love when other characters ask mine questions, because so much would be revealed if PEOPLE JUST ASKED. I know you guys don't mean it in this way but I feel like I'm trying to push all of this out, but I barely get anything back except for maybe one question or comment or smth, but it feels like the characters aren't interested in my characters' pasts, and that means the mods aren't either. Which, is really no fault of yours, whether you are or not, it's my fault because I can't bring myself to get off my high horse and actually say "hey, are you willing to have your characters ask about mine?" because I have the firm mentality of "if they wanted to, they would", and I'm trying to make other characters feel important while also craving mine to feel important, but the moment they do, I wonder if I'm taking the main-character roles too much and I need to even it out so I immediately divert the attention back to yours and feel shitty about it. Once again, this is no one's fault but mine, and this is partially why my relationship with my last rp partner, aka my ex bsf, ended, because I wasn't assertive enough and kept wondering if I was hogging the spotlight any time focus did switch to my characters which just isn't enjoyable for anyone. So I'm angry and terrified that these patterns which are repeating are going to lead to a similar outcome.

It isn't even just that though, I just really hate how I write as a whole rn. I used to be so poetic and good with words but now they read difficult unless I'm writing a great wall of text, and my characters aren't acting the way I want to, partially because I'm trying to morph them to get along more with other characters and diminish their flaws so they're liked by others, but it just takes away from who they were originally and I hate that as well. It's easy to get caught up in the heat of the rp but for fucks sake I expect myself to be a better writer than this.... and I haven't even gotten around to fixing the fucked-up-with-a-side-of-cheddar timelines, which have been NAGGING at my mind for FUCK KNOWS HOW LONG, but once again, I don't even want to do anything anymore and I get mad bc the only things I wanna do are just self indulgent shit and like hell I'm asking for that from anyone (see, that's part of the problem, right there.)

I think the only thing I hate more than not being assertive with rp is the fact that I'm an adult among you all. Yes, being 18 now while the majority of you are minors is a massive fucking deal to me, and I'm realizing why exactly adults generally avoid friendships like this, because I'm constantly worried about being a good example to you all. I have to have the good advice, I have to be available, I have to be good with assertiveness and boundaries, hell part of the reason I try and avoid venting so much is because you all do not fucking need to have that burden. Every time I do something like this post I immediately think "these are kids and I'm an adult, it's kids trying to help an adult who should not be saying this stuff or laying this burden on them", as if I'm some kind of weirdo. I really try my damndest to not be one of those adults who dumps all their problems on adolescents in order to feel better about their own shitty life, I don't want to be the adult who their younger friends are comforting all the time and have that burden on them (yes, I am completely aware this post contradicts that, and yes, I am very ashamed but I feel Im at rock bottom and you guys deserve to know (but don't deserve the burden of it)). I don't feel like the example I want to be to you guys, I'm incredibly dense, and half the time, I feel like an oblivious idiot for the simplest fucking things in rp even when no one says anything that implies any of you guys think that. I get so annoyed as well, and that's another part I especially hate, it's that I get annoyed with the smallest things so damn easily, whether it's someone saying something random in call and breaking silence, or someone talking about a subject after we've moved on, or a rant that's gone on for a really long time. All of those are ridiculous things to be annoyed by, and I'm completely aware of that. I'm not proud of it whatsoever. It might also be the weather, but I'm so, so, so annoyed by so many tiny, insignificant things nowadays that it's ridiculous, and I've snapped on call a few times which I feel horrible about. I'm trying so hard to be a good, strong role model for all of you, because that's what you deserve and I want to be like that for you. But, both here and in real life, my own idiocy and density and emotions make me feel like I'm never going to escape being a dense, emotional, spacy child who keeps trying to catch up. And as an adult, I'm really, really, really upset that I feel like this because once again, you guys are the minors, not me. I'm not saying you guys should feel like that (I really hope not, no one should feel like that), but it feels even worse since I'm trying to be the adult for you guys to look up to, but I'm looking up to all of you instead. And then, even worse, I get jealous. Not of the bad shit you guys go through, but like. Insignificant things. Art styles, friends, activities, actually having your family around. I really hate myself for being jealous of that and always comparing and trying to match it since it's completely hypocritical of me otherwise.

I'm closing up this vent, but tw for some darker themes in the next paragraph

I'm really just kind of sick of life as a whole. I'm done being an adult, to hell with this, just let me be the younger friend again so I don't have to see myself as an old baby. I'm tired of all of this and the dark jokes I make, they're horrible, but they're becoming more common and I think about the content of them a lot. I'm so tired of this shit and feeling like this and I'm mad and ashamed that I'm making this post because of everything I said above. I'm so done with everything. To hell with this country, to hell with my future, to hell with drawing and writing and trying to put stuff out. At the time of writing this I'm crying, because I'm really really missing my dad. I want to hug him and be with him. I want my family overall to be okay. I want to feel happy and content with myself and my life like back in summer. I'm so sorry for having to say all this but it's the truth and, again, this is my last resort for trying to feel better because hell knows I don't have the initiative to make an appointment and talk to a therapist on campus. Ik this will go away later but ffs i don't know if I can wait until later.

Ok, heavy vent part is over

I've said a lot so I'm ending it here. If you choose to ignore this, that's fine. I'd appreciate some kind of acknowlegement, tbh, whether it's a like or a comment or something, or just a kind word (whatever you do, please don't just put *hug* and leave it at that, hugs dont really feel like they have much more meaning at this point). It feels ridiculous to ask you for comfort especially after kinda dumping all of this here for you guys to see but I might as well try ig. Idk, I'm gonna just try and not delete this out of shame.

I hope you all know that I love you guys so, so, so, so much. This community has brought me so much joy and leaving is the last thing I'd ever dream of unless I had to. I hope you guys don't mind me doing this too much. Logically Ik you probably don't but, really, none of what I just vented about is based in logic regardless.

Thank you for reading, whether it was skimming or fully reading it. Kind words are appreciated but obviously not forced and I love you guys so much. Goodnight ❤️

[hypocriticaltypwriter]

More questions upon ye!!!

So is this bride in the au! Is that supposed to be Crysta/Cheri or someone else?

Did Michael go out and find a random bride, or did the boys pick her specifically?

Are the four of them fighting for her affection or are they trying to split the love equally with her?

Question in relation to the Billy Idol song: it has plenty of references to virginity loss and pregnancy out of wedlock. In this au do the boys plan on consummating the marriage~? And back on the question I had before about them fighting over her, are they also fighting over who gives her a baby first?

Does she even love the boys at all (maybe got some Stockholm Syndrome) or is she doomed to be trapped and unhappy forever?

Thank you 💜

SQUEEEEE IM SO SORRY IT TOOK ME THIS LONG TO GET TO YOUR ASK LAV!! Thank you so so so much for the questions! I loved spending my freetime this past week thinking of some good answers! As well as developing the AU a little more, so thank you truly! 🫶🏻🫶🏻

The bride is Chrysta, yes! Though, the AU itself is for my own self indulgence in my weird addiction for strange dramatic vampire ideas/dreams, but I want the AU to be for everyone! So honestly, anyone can imagine the bride to be whoever they want! An X reader, insert, OC, go ahead and imagine your own story and take on the boys I don't mind!

Did Michael just find a rando for the boys, or did they choose her specifically? Well... Yes AND no. Like in just the Lost Boys in general with Chrysta, she helped out with Grandpa Emerson or stopped by with some meals her aunt made, so she knew Mister Emerson well. In the AU, the only difference is that she knows all of the Emersons well and visits to bring by some flowers for the Church's garden!

She had become an offer after one late night when her curiosity about the holy grounds got the best of her late one night and she went exploring, finding some rather pretty flowers and picking some to possibly take home or give to the Emersons, when she found the almost hauntingly beautiful red and white roses she'd ever seen climbing up a wall and gate she just had to steal a few! But as she went to take some, a noise startled her, and her finger caught a nasty thorn, leaving a good injury that stained the thorn and petals in her blood. The sound was Michael, who quickly told her to get away from there and hurry back home before she got into any more trouble.

So, the boys hadn't exactly seen or found her, but it was her blood they were immediately drawn to like moths to a flame. And it didn't take long for Michael to know exactly who they were demanding for either as he had a recollection of that night he caught a very curious and blissfully unaware Chrysta getting a little too close to the vampires domain...

The boys try and do their best to share their love for their new coven member! But sometimes they get a bit over protective and territorial. Especially Marko and Paul, they aren't big fans of sharing when they don't feel like it..

Ah, yes... Their was supposed to be a little Honeymooning lovin after they had got their hands on her... But consummation to a bride who's pretty much horrified of you and your very being isn't exactly easy - and they weren't going to force her or harm her, of course not! They wanted their new pet to like them. They needed their pretty little creature to fall for them as hard as they did for her.

And baby bats in the future are still in consideration... There would probably be a fight for who gets a baby first, but without a doubt it'd be David. He always has the first say when it comes to the vampires.

And FINALLY... Does she fall for the boys? Im... Still figuring this out- CAUSE ON ONE HAND SOME SORT OF BEAUTY AND THE BEAST ESQUE LOVE STORY HAS ME IN A CHOKE HOLD DONT GET ME WRONG...

But I'm just... There's something about a tragic doomed ending that just has me even more by the throat - something like Phantom Of The Opera or even Labyrinth that has this... Creature in desperate need of love but the way they try to achieve it through cruelty and harming others just to keep the very thing they want like a treasure to own rather than a person is something I can't help but love. It's so wrong but oh my GOD the way is written or seen on the big screen feels so right. 😭

It's just a guilty pleasure. I'd REALLY love to touch on it more with this AU.. 👀

[pocketramblr]

Ok. I was the one that sent the Double Rejection Ask. Now I’m begging for more juicy details.

How would Urakara feel not seeing the boy that saved her and (indirectly) made her accepted into the Hero Course (since those rescue points were the final push into the top scorers)?

Being rejected by UA in those advanced stages is suspicious. Wouldn’t Shiketsu, Ketsubutsu and other prestigious Hero Schools take UA lead or find themselves about the reason for the rejection and also reject Bakugou? That may leave only the sketchy private Hero Schools that cover a small fortune for tuition available. Wouldn’t the same thing happen to Izuku if he tried for another Hero Course?

That part of the board debating if only reject Izuku is awful but that’s exactly how some board members think. Happens in real life! Would Nedzu try to offer a seat on the General Course or something to appease All Might’s successor?

How does this affect Shinsou?

All Might’s resolve might make Izuku improve his grip on One for All. But on the otherhand, All Might’s ‘technical lie’ on the reason for the rejection may be potential for angst. How would things work in the end?

Thank You

Uraraka is unhappy, but heard that Izuku didn't get any points, and while Mic said it'd be alright, he never said she could give him her points either, so she assumes it didn't happen and thats why he didn't get in. She wishes she'd gotten his number though, or his name. (But maybe Izuku will see her again at the license exam?)

Being rejected by UA is... not suspicious actually. UA doesn't release the top ten score outside of the teachers watching, and the written exams haven't been scored yet while they watch. Most teachers assume the students outside of the top scoreboard who don't get in simply failed the written exam. Because the UA Student Admissions Board does such an intense background check, for the privacy of the students, both accepted and rejected, any information from the checks isn't made public, unless it's like an arrest record, but in that case i doubt they'd be allowed to apply for the exam.

Shiketsu probably takes UA's lead with the vigorous check, which is why if Toshinori gets the video taken down, Bakugou is more likely to be turned away. Other than those two big schools, and a handful of others like the super fancy all girl's school, most hero schools like Ketsubutsu just don't have the manpower to do a background check more thorough than just checking for school records and arrest records. As Bakugou's school records are fine, he would be too. (The same applies for Izuku, but he absolutely wouldn't even try Shiketsu.)

Nedzu probably would offer a general course placement, yeah, say that there's extra time in that schedule and Izuku could train with All Might then one on one, then transfer into the hero course. Even if Izuku didn't apply for that course, Nedzu could fudge it a bit, and a different group would be on the admission's board for that course.

I'm not sure if Shinsou is in the course or not- it depends on if he was placed 41st or 42nd in the practical exam, i guess! (personally im a fan of Ibara ending up in 1A, tho i gues Shoto would still need to not see her as threat over iida... maybe because she's a pacifist it still works.)

I do know that one kid in UA is definitely "expelled" the first day tho

All Might's technical lie will give him angst, but it's just another one in the pile that does. (you know, like uh, how he thinks he's fated to die in a year?) He doesn't want Izuku to find out about the video because that is something clearly not his fault but that his boy would blame himself for anyway- for not noticing the camera, or being shaken and looking weak, or just being the wrong pick. I suppose it might come up later, but only if the student who took the video does something once Izuku starts getting recognition on his own. if not... All Might will silently keep that to his chest, i think. Izuku believes the other reasons anyway, so he doesn't really question him. it hurts Toshi a little bit, the guilt, but he knows it would be more painful for him to find out, so he bears it like everything else.

[lesless]

Some thoughts on marriage

Growing up I never really understood the idea of marriage. My mom had me at 16 or somewhere near that, & was only married briefly as a result of being pregnant with me & having a less than ideal home life, which she wanted to get out of. My dad has been married or engaged 5 or more times, though now he’s old enough not to lure in underaged girls or young women & is now happily married to a woman who I really like. My great grandparents, who I grew up with, were married over 50 years, & though they bickered I understood that they had committed to each other & my great grandpa took care of my great grandmother through her senility, hiding it until it was noticeable to all.

So, I have mixed views on the topic. On one hand, it seems insane to me to enter into a legal contract for a relationship especially considering I’m not religious in the traditional sense. On the other, I find it incredibly romantic & a statement of devotion.

I my early 20’s the only person I remember breaking up with me (who really just beat me to it, bc I was unhappy & didn’t want to be with him really) told me that the reason he didn’t want to be with me is that he “couldn’t imagine marrying” me, which to me felt stupid & I was fine with at the time (& still am, he was a mess). When I met someone I was infatuated with, he talked about how he was “going to marry that girl” in reference to the last girl he dated, during the first 6 months we were together, which really bothered me. They were together for a year or less as far as I can gather. He later admitted it was because her family had a lot of connections in the film industry, which made me feel a little disgusted by his intentions of marriage if I’m being honest.

Personally, I’ve driven hard lines in the ground with people I’ve dated. Either I’m with you or not, & with you means I’m in 100%. I’m not going to leave unless there’s some seriously extenuating circumstances, such as, my last partner had a serious alcohol problem & got really scary & mean before I decided it was safer for me to leave than stay with them.

Nowadays, I’m with someone I adore & I feel adores me back. We have been together 5 years in a few weeks, which will mark the longest relationship I’ve ever been in. Simultaneously, our family is mentioning marriage (& have been for years).

& im at this crossroads. I think both of us have some doubt about the whole concept of marriage, our families respectively having a long history of divorce & the mess that entails. But also, is that something I actually want? I’m not sure.

By now I did imagine myself with kids of my own, though I love my freedom & ability to do what I want. Marriage feels like the end of that freedom to a certain extent, but also feels like the agreement on a future, & security. We haven’t talked about it, truly. Sometimes I think my partner is working towards a more secure future for us before that, & every time he talks about the future he says US, which is also reassuring.

If he asked I would say yes, but as time rolls on & my experiences & friends get hitched after only a year or two, I do wonder if I’m just not the kind of person someone would want to marry, as that long buried ex said. Or, are people just stupid & rushing into things? Are people just agreeing to things based on their circumstances & ideology? The people I know who have gotten married, largely, also became very institutionally religious. Which, good for them, but that’s not where I am.

I suppose I’m curious what readers think of marriage. What are the criteria? What is the deciding factor? Do you just know?

I’ve also known people happily not married with children in 10+ year relationships. I suppose theres no universal right answer to any of this. Just something I’m pondering after some deeply itchy nightmares.

[johannestevans]

Hi!! Question about being trans, i guess. Sort of. I'm not quite sure what exactly im asking either. Is it too cliche if i just go with "how did you know"? It probably is. Then, how can someone tell they just don't want to be gender conforming? I already know gender presentation doesn't equal gender identity. But its still sort of confusing. I mean its confusing when you're asking yourself not the concept as a whole. Also is it a thing to feel like you're just not enough of your assigned gender?? Not in the way that you feel like you're more of the other, just like not enough of your own. But just to clarify its not like you'd rather be the other gender in fact you'd very VERY much like to be more of what your assigned gender is supposed to look like but you keep failing and end up just being generally unhappy with what you look like even though it doesn't even make sense?? Gender is so weird i wish it wouldn't mean anything this is just like a big headache. Anyways, thanks in advance for the reply, if you choose to do so, you don't have to, obviously. Have a nice day!!

It is weird and it is big and complicated.

I would say that like--

If it all feels completely wrong to you, and completely foreign--

Have you considered agender identities? Because gender is not like, compulsory. You can very much unsubscribe if none of it seems like it fits, or pick and choose from whatever feels right and play around with it.

Gender, any genders, aren't always for everybody! Some people prefer to do other things with their time.

[khodorkovskaya]

22.12.22

im so lost about what to do with B. so far my tactic has been not messaging him first and, if he messages me, i reply. but im not gonna initiate any kind of interaction myself. it's just weird how we've been texting back and forth every day for a month and he insisted on seeing me and then poof radio silence. im confused but i do admit that i have been feeling a lot better ever since he stopped messaging me.

i saw my bestie before she left to the airport and we talked about boys and gossiped and omg her ex left to live on a farm like that's so funny to me. and i brought up B and she said i should message him on the 1st of january like "new year, new me. let's leave our relationship in 2022 and start 2023 without old baggage". and idk, it did sound tempting at first bc i am a dramatic bitch and plus i think now id be able to write a better and more heartfelt letter than last time. but... what's the point? that's just gonna lead him on even more. id much rather just keep my distance and not interact with him unless there's a real necessity. sure, there's a lot to say about this whole situation and maybe it would be good for me to write this letter just for myself and my own self reflection, but is that really useful? it's just gonna make things worse and hurt B even more.

anyway, as ive said before, i haven't really had the time to unpack everything that's happened. i feel like i need to analyse our relationship/breakup to be able to move forward. bc it's been at the back of my mind for such a long time and i need my conscience to be fully clear to be able to move on. so yesterday before bed i thought about B and reread my old diary entries on here.

and it's just so... sad how bad our relationship was. i was unhappy for five long years and for what. there was not one moment with him when i felt content and satisfied. five long years of unhappiness and frustration. and even the few fun moments that we had together were always under the shadow of this inescapable doom. it's so tragic. it's so tragic how something you believed was a pillar of your existence and your reason to live and such an integral part of you life was just... a bad relationship. not like in an abusive sense or like he was a bad person. no. it was just a mediocre relationship between two incompatible individuals. and all those dreams and hopes and tears and frustrations were just... a bad relationship.

so many years it felt like it was my destiny. i believed that B was the only one for me, that the planets had aligned when we first met. that this was it, he was going to be there forever bc he was meant to be with me. that everything in our lives had synchronised in such a perfect way and the possibility of us not being together was non existent. i believed that if we hadn't met that one night at a club in january of 2017, it would've happened either way. we would've met another time, at another club or at a park or in another country or a different year. but we would've found each other regardless bc we were meant to be together. and this belief kept me going. it kept me hoping that i just have to wait a little bit and it will all be perfect one day bc it was supposed to. but in the end, it was just a bad relationship. nothing more, nothing less. there was no magic or destiny or synchronicity. we were just in love and then it didn't work out. and that's it.

and then i thought about B's proposition of getting back together and actively working on trying to make it work, now that we both realised that our relationship was a bad one. and i actually believe that he's capable of change, despite what everyone says. (whether i want to get back together with him is a different question. and for now the answer is a definite no. but im just saying that in theory i know that he can put a lot of effort into things and change.) and i thought about some happy moments that we had together. not like extraordinary moments, but just little things that i enjoyed and wish we could've done more.

i remembered that one time when we were chilling in bed together and he went on instagram that he never used back in the day. and we looked at funny pictures of alpacas together and it made me laugh a lot. this moment lasted for maybe like 10 minutes. but if i ask myself the question "what does a perfect relationship look like" i think it's full of moments like this. just goofing around, laughing together, chilling and not thinking about anything else. and we barely had any moments like this with B, that's why that memory of us looking at alpacas on instagram stands out to me so much. i thought about how, if we do get back together, we'd make sure to have many moments like this. just cuddling in bed together and laughing. and then we'd kiss through the laughter and id feel his smile on my lips and we'd have sex and feel warm and in love. i thought about this scenario and started to touch myself. but then i remembered that ive had this fantasy scenario for years but... it never happened. this basic bare minimum scenario of cuddling with your boyfriend and smiling and having sex while being a happy and carefree couple never happened. it never happened.

it made me cry so much bc how many of what i believed were happy relationship moments were ever real? was our "insane sexual chemistry" that he'd always bring up ever real? throughout the five years of our relationship i had never ever initiated sex bc i felt so awkward about it. and so many times i just wanted it to end. i reread the stuff i posted on here throughout the years and it's just "im insecure in the bedroom", "my bf wants sex but i don't" over and over and over again.

so what does that mean? we had that one sweet moment while looking at alpacas on instagram, we went one that one cute walk in summer of 2021 that i really loved, we had a great trip to sarajevo in 2019, that at the moment was overshadowed by him trying to start a business... and that's it. that's literally it. that's the complete list of all fulfilling moments of our 5 year relationship. and yet i believed that it was written in the stars and that he was oh so perfect for me. like what was this all for? it's so astronomically absurd! all this frustration and suffering and all this never-ending hope, like what the hell was that? like it's astonishing how unhappy i was and yet it lasted for so long.

anyway, this whole thing is bothering me so much. nothing is clear, im very confused. and i just want it to be over.

[transbeeduo]

i think part of why i’ve always been frustrated with how Ranboo’s revival was handled is that it’s very much like. Not a happy ending? For literally anyone? Not to mention how sloppily it tried to tie up all of the loose ends in his character.

(LONG RANT) ⬇️

In terms of being an unhappy ending, as you already said its SUPER unsatisfying and honestly somewhat ableist. Like it’s saying “oh this character with memory issues was just not in the right place!! Which is why he was ‘wrong!’ Now that they’re where they should be they’re normal again!!!” I don’t even mind the idea of Ranboo’s character’s memory issue being from an unnatural source!!! Just don’t make it “oh he wasn’t in The End and it made his brain glitch” because that’s just like. It’s a SUPER unsatisfying answer to such an important mystery with the character, and just leaves such an unpleasant taste in my mouth. And on the ending being unhappy!!! Ranboo’s literally seperated from everything and everyone they’ve ever known!! (I know this was retconned in the C!Aimsey finale but im going off of what was probably originally planned as the end-all be-all for Ranboo’s character) Everyone’s just. Presumed dead or somewhere where Ranboo would probably never see them again!!!! And they just LEFT HIM IN A CLIMATE THAT NOBODY’S REALLY SUPPOSED TO LIVE IN??? Would they be happy in the Nether? Away from everything and everyone they’ve ever known besides Michael? Knowing that people they loved and cared about are either fucking DEAD OR SOMEWHERE HE CANT GET TO EVER???? No. It’s not a happy ending. (Not to mention it completely glosses over the fact that hey!!! Michael has another fucking parent!!!! Tubbo literally didn’t get any form of closure with his FUCKING SON???? Granted this is probably due to how weird CC!Beeduo have been recently with refusing to interact but like. Still fucking frustrating!!!)

AND IT DOESN’T EVEN BEGIN TO EXPLAIN SO MANY OF THE PLOT POINTS C!RANBOO NEVER GOT TO FINISH!!!!! Enderwalk? NEVER GOT A FUCKING EXPLANATION EVEN THOUGH IT WAS ARGUABLY THE BIGGEST FUCKING PLOTPOINT FOR THE ENTIRE CHARACTER??? What Ranboo’s a hybrid of??? Ohhhh they’re a hybrid of love!!! He’s made of love!!!! That’s your answer you’ve waited TWO FUCKING YEARS TO FIGURE OUT! Who was Z? Who knows! CC!Ranboo himself sure doesn’t seem to!!! The Lessons? The weird Time Travel stuff? The End Portal? The stuff with C!Dream?? (Although i can honestly forgive that one I wouldn’t want to do lore with him either) NO EXPLANATION!!!! It feels like a punishment for caring about this character honestly. It feels like Ranboo just stopped caring, which I can understand! It’s up to him! But at least give the people who’ve grown attached and love the character YOU MADE a happy ending!!! Or explain ANYTHING you had planned with them!!

And yes I know a lot of this was probably due to how awfully the DSMP was run, especially going into 2022. But Ranboo’s PROMISED SO MANY THINGS he just. Never went through with? Like at all? They promised a lore doc with C!Ranboo’s lore HOW FUCKING LONG AGO and he STILL has yet to release it. I think the biggest crime in all of this was Ghostboo. I feel like Ghostboo could’ve been something truly AMAZING. Ranboo able to drop the increasing more and more tangled mess of lore that he was piling onto poor C!Ranboo!! Finally explain things about the character and put a new spin on him!! But no. Ghostboo BARELY got anything, aside from a handful of lore streams, most of which they were only in for a few moments. And yes, I know it’s probably due to how bad the DSMP’s communication was and due to Ranboo no longer wanting to be a Minecraft streamer or whatever. But like!!!! It’s just such a “what could’ve been” for me honestly!!! And I feel like C!Ranboo’s lackluster finale kinda falls into the same category here.

It’s as you said, “idk man I just think that a character's death should mean something and have actual weight and purpose to the narrative and not be used for cheap lazy angst or weird ableist stuff with death fixing a disability.” Because like. C!Ranboo’s death was really just CC!Ranboo going “I’m gonna do stuff with them now!!! Ranboo lore incoming!” And then never doing it. C!Ranboo’s ending was bad. It was rushed and mean spirited, and felt like a slap in the face to anyone who cares about C!Ranboo. Because that’s what it was. It didn’t answer ANY of the lore that C!Ranboo had. It wasn’t a happy ending for him, despite it trying to convince people that it was. That this was what’s best for C!Ranboo. That it’d “fix” them. But it didn’t, and wasn’t satisfying or happy, or even sad but in a way where it was INTENDED to be a bittersweet ending. It’s just a sorry excuse of a nothing ending for a character that deserved so much more.

yknow i realize it isn't even the fact that cRanboo died that upsets me, but that he explicitly died because his actor didn't wanna continue the story and wanted to do a cheap "soft reboot" that makes the concept of him dying and ghostboo's entire existence just. untouchable to me

[foxx-queen]

the real villain of father brown is lord montague

[haemosexuality]

every year i add something to the list of appearance and or life decisions that will make my mom so dissapointed when im an adult

[whirlybirdwhat]

one year i would like to read a book for school that does not involve the harm and/or abuse of women for the sake of plot that is then never resolved

[britneyshakespeare]

drawing just eats up my fucking time man