#but im happy to be asked questions ive just been writing a lot of essays lately and my brains been a bit fried lol

[itsonlypolite]

who’s your fav voice to draw/write/think abt? you might’ve answered this before but i’m ahhh. i’m lazy

Favorite voice is Broken! Favorite voice to draw is Hunted! I think about all voices more or less on an equal basis though :)

[catonatrain]

Hi, I hope you're doing well ! For the character ask game, what about Momoi Satsuki with 1, 2, 3, 7, 8, 12, 16 & 23 ?

thank you for the questions !! finally able to finish this since i was a bit busy !!

everything will go under the cut because i ended up writing like a very mini essay

1. Why do you like or dislike this character?

she is my daughter !! i rlly love the love she has to offer to the world !! and most importantly, i love her passion for basketball as well -- i rlly enjoyed how integral she was to the teams she was a manager to due to her data collecting, and how those analytical abilities made her a force to be reckoned with !! in conclusion, that's my girl !!

2. Favorite canon thing about this character?

ok i do feel like i answered that in the last question, so i'll add that im absolutely so endeared by the fact she nicknames many people :] honestly kagamin and midorin are amongst my fav nicknames from her... think kagami and midorima won there

7. What's something the fandom does when it comes to this character that you like?

i don't have too much experience with the fandom -- since i got into knb in mid 2022 and rlly have only interacted with a few ppl on tumblr and my friends -- but from what ive seen, i rlly love the amount of love ive seen !! most people ive seen like her a lot and support her !! even those in other fandoms (looking at my beloved a3! fandom the most) -- when momoi's on polls (ex. @/girlygirltournament, @/girls-in-love-bracket, @/pinkandbluebracket) there's always a lot of support for her !!

quick fun fandom thing -- i do want to say that in the pink&blue poll, an alliance was made with a3! fans because both a3! fans and knb fans were super supportive of each other and had a fun competition and ever since then... they have been brother in arms 2 me...

and of course my favorite is still @/pinkhairswagtourney where we arranged for muku (the a3! pink haired boy ever, i even have a little can badge of him) and momoi to tie and be a team together !! and then they won the whole tournament... being able to beat madoka :D and i like to think it is bc of our shared love for charas

(also to anyone reading this, i think you guys should vote for a3! charas when u see them on polls)

THIS GOT REALLY LONG but essentially, momoi is very loved from what ive seen and even to those outside of the knb fandom and that is smth i like a lot :>

8. What's something the fandom when it comes to this character that you despite?

again, i don't really interact with fandom, but i can guess (based on most fandom patterns) that there are people who likely ignore her in favor of the other (most likely male) charas and that'd make me :(

12. What's a headcanon you have for this character?

i like to think she and takao will eventually become besties and have a very fun group with midorima and kise

16. What's your least favorite ship for this character?

i assume this question excludes ships you would have no real opinion on (so probably some pairs where they dont interact that much -- even tho i have shipped charas who have very little interactions it all depends on the vibes...)

anyways that makes it a tough question for me !! i personally do prefer aomine and momoi to be platonic, but like. i get it. theyre childhood friends who love each other a lot. inseparable... their bond is just very special to me...

this ended up being me talking abt how i like aomine and momoi's bond but i think that's ok even if i basically didnt answer the question because like. after writing all of this im like... yeah its not my least favorite but i already committed to writing this much

23. Favorite picture of this character?

THIS IS SO HARD... i love so many momois in da world... but ill choose this one for now because she looks soooo happy in it !! look at her smile, she is everything to me...

[petewentzisblack1312]

hi i wanted to ask something but also share something personal as well. my q is: do you feel like your relationship w social media has changed? meaning, do you catch / notice when you are on it for too long and you start to notice, and then you say: okay let's take a break. for me, i have been online for a long time ever since i was a kid, and now my relationship to it is i only limit myself an hour to being on my phone. as an adult now i am no longer social media "obsessed". like, when i am in school i am not thinking about online, i am present when im at school. i feel like i am really close to just deleting sm tbh. it does not grant me happiness like it used to. now as an adult i feel this need to live my life freely.

i also wanted to ask what are ur thoughts on content influencers? to me when i see these ppl i think...i could never post about everything about my life, but then again understanding that it is just a highlight reel. no one is posting every sad / frustrating thing that happens in their life as influencer, only the "great" parts.

this is an interesting question! i think ive never really had a relationship to social media where i feel like i need to post constantly or felt pressured to share everything. while im definitely the most online out of my household, compared to a lot of other people im not really very present online. i dont like using twitter, i only really use instagram to look at and post art and occasionally post a picture of my cat or nature or food on my main account, i dont really get up to much and i never use facebook unless i have to. i hate it. even here on tumblr i dont post a lot about my personal life unprompted, and this is the social media site i use the most by far. i do scroll tumblr a lot, i do watch a lot of youtube videos (though almost exclusively video essays on politics and recently also artist vlogs) and i do notice myself scrolling a bit too much, particularly when im overstimulated but instead of doing something less stimulating im anxious and looking for a distraction so i like. scroll harder. but ive never been like doing something else and thought 'man, i wish i was scrolling right now'. i dont really know. i do have trouble putting my phone down, like when i need to sleep, but i have trouble putting ANYTHING down. games, books, art or writing or projects im working on, music im listening to, i dont think tumblr is special, its just another activity for me to be distracted by.

all that being said, i did leave social media for a while. i had a really bad experience in a fandom on tumblr (not the pwams incident. that led me to step away from bandom and move to another fandom) and honestly it made me realise that the problem i had with social media wasnt that i was using it too much, but that i had a toxic relationship with the communities i was interacting with on there. the nature of my relationship to social media was unhealthy, not the fact that i had one that was a large part of my life. i think when i wasnt using any social media i actually wasnt in a great place either, because i was isolated from people id cared about, especially since i had just undergone a very traumatic incident, and because of that became very isolated from my in person friends as well, even before the pandemic pushed me away from even the acquaintances i had made. i was worried about coming back to tumblr, but i think ive grown and learned in such a way that i know how i like to comport myself in cyberspaces, and that its been good for me in a way. which is weird, but. i think id kind of have to go in depth about my life and how the pandemic affected me and the specific nature of coming of age in st lucia and stuff. which i dont want to do haha.

as for influencers. i hate the concept. i understand it, and i dont universally hate influencers as a whole, but like. theres this specific kind of content creator where the thing they are sharing is just their life and there isnt like a specific thing theyre logging, like an artist sharing their creative process and how they manage their life around that, or a chef sharing recipes, and its not like theyre doing it just to do it, they have the goal of growing a following, and theyre not advertising anything but themself, like JUST themself, as a person-brand, and i find that so deeply annoying and repulsive. and like thats strong wording its a dog eat dog world and the girlies of all genders need to secure the bag like i get it. i get it. but its revolting to me. like. the vlogbrothers werent trying to get famous they were using youtube to communicate with each other and as an open video diary and people found them to be interesting personalities to watch. right. do you get it. annoyingly i gotta put myself out there if i want people to find my art and pins and stuff so i have to fuckin. make videos. sell people on me. the idea of making vlogs makes me dry heave bc im not important i dont want to have to sell myself like im important i dont want to put my face on a camera and implicitly say with every quirky performed statement i make 'i matter, pay attention to me, i need to exist so look at me' but unfortunately i might have to. a video essay i could do. thats me saying something. but a vlog? with the goal of people finding my stuff? good god. it sounds like poison.

[aprito]

hello <3 since i got these asks at the same time i decided to combine my thoughts on them in this post. yet another annoying sjw essay from yours truly on this blog 

before i get into these i think i need to preface why im like. i guess overly hyperfocused on a certain unproblematic base (same age au / platonic canon) for them and avoid the ped0philic content like the plague lol

tw for pedophilia ment, rape ment if that makes you squicky. ALSO THIS IS LONG AND RAMBLY

as i’ve mentioned a couple times already, ive been into the ship since i was 12, back when it was very very common to not only post untagged (nsfw) canonverse content of the two in writing and in drawing but also non con and the like, so you can imagine how bad my first impression online was. thinking back on it ...as a child i found it disturbing but didnt really register how problematic it really was?? (i know, but i also lived in the middle of nowhere and had no one explain this to me) 

skip to 2014 aka me coming back to naruto at 17ish and i had kinda become hyper aware of the fact that there was an increasing amount of people online who had come forward with explaining how fictional problematic content, mostly pedophilia, had been used to groom them into starting relationships with adullts. it was also a time where a lot of people didnt believe these victims, not registering how common it was for minors to be online friends with adults who had no boundaries and no qualms exposing them such content. not gonna get into my personal life here but i was lucky to not having gone through this myself. like... it kinda was my first time truly realising how fiction can EASILY be used to manipulate others irl (and yes i will not argue this, if you dont think fictional media can form and manipulate people’s opinions on attitudes, countries, cultures and virtues, pick up a book about the effects of propaganda media at least once please) 

i, being young, still liking the dynamic but not really the romance, would point this out here and there in the fandom and get into fights with grown adults in their mid 20s who assumed i automatically hated the ship(s) and tried to restrict their freedom of speech or whatever, heard everything from the “age of consent doesnt exist in naruto” to the “sasori looks like a child what does it matter” despite people clearly playing on him being older and experienced. it made me so upset that people were just consuming all this content uncritically and exposing children to it tbh?? not really just sos but a lot of minor/adult ships in naruto in general. and thats where i sat down and thought, i do not want to be a grown adult talking down to children that point out how unsafe the fandom is. theyre absolutely right in drawing these boundaries and calling out adults who defend the uncritical consumption and creation of this content. i do not want to consume or create content that predators could use to groom minors, and i absolutely do want to let younger people in fandom know that i am respecting their comfort zones and want them to have a safe and fun experience. after all, naruto is not an adult show and i think a lot of people forget that!!!! i am not perfect in that regard but its something that i, at the age of 23, am very passionate about and strive towards to.

and i guess thats where same age au was born for me and i have been sticking to it ever since. 

so finally we can move to the first question 

aside from the fact that we both dont like canon sos, i dont think it would work out even if i wasnt prejudiced to it anyways. in all honesty, 35 year old canon sasori is not a redeemable character to me, given the fact that he’s easily amongst the cruelest villains in naruto (torturing and killing and taxiderming people for his own fun personal gain, never for a goal that served anyone but himself. how do you redeem having over 300 corpses in your backpack that you felt absolutely no remorse for killing). sasori was legit one of the only cruel villains that didnt had someone else pull the strings, which sends a clear message on kishi’s part, who absolutely loves to redeem villains LOL.

being that old, he obviously had already been very manifested in what he believed in, even if it was shakey, to the point where the first crack in that world view (sakura and chiyo protecting each other) immediately had him give up on his life all together. that, in my opinion, is not a man who’s going to know what healthy relationships would look like, regardless of it being romantic or not. 35 year old sasori to me has the same appeal as an expired can of tuna and he’s probably very happy 6 feet under. he’s supposed to be a failed gaara in that sense that he had no one to look out for him and therefore was never going to experience anything but a bad ending in life. its fine that hes dead honestly, it wraps up his short character development the best IMO.

adding to that, seriously, sakura was obviously interested in knowing why he was that way, and called him out for being seriously fucked in the head, but it’s weird to me that people assume she had any interest in actively rehabilitating him, let alone starting a serious romantic relationship with him. sakura who’s not only very, uhm, immature and straight forward when it comes to her romantic viewpoints also, as a big bootlicker, wouldnt soil her standing in the village by starting anything with a disgraced and far too gone criminal like sasori. shipping that version of sasori with sakura intimately is still going to set her up for a huge power imbalance that would be difficult to handle imo, even if she was the one in the fight ultimately exerting her power over him. i would still look at it and think damn she deserves better than having to play therapist for man like that lol.

additionally, even if you ignored all of this, you cant really ignore that sasori had already known her as a child, and that had been his first and most impactful impression of her. i dont think that sasori would look at 35 year old sakura and see her as a grown woman and not the little green girl she was in the fight. plus, you easily fall into predatory comparison territory between the “childish” and “womanly” and i have seen way too often in fic just being boiled down to her now being fuckable. a lot of of ships do this and i would just like to remind yall thats it not normal for adults to want to start relationships with children they have seen grown up or known as a child when they themselves were fully grown adults. therefore, maybe if sakura hadnt met sasori before it would be less of a problem? but that also obviously defeats the point of the dynamic and the reason he died in the first place. so yeah, it sounds kind of doomed especially if you were to make it romantic. 

WHICH BRINGS ME TO THE SECOND QUESTION

let me preface this that im not fundamentally against age gaps, even if im not super interested in it. after all, colorblind had a 5 yr age gap (with sakura being 21), even if, say, i wrote similar fics today i probably would make it smaller lol. i think it can be handled well if both parties have enough life experience to deal with it, and the author is cautious of where the age gap starts, i think a 10+ year age gap would be fine in a scenario where the younger party (i guess sakura) was at least 25-27ish, meaning she has completed most of her most formative life stages and probably had been in relationships before, meaning she would be able to handle it without having to fear a huge power imbalance. the older the younger party is the less the age gap is going to matter tbh .TsukiHoshino and AngelOfDeath10 both handle age gaps in their fics really well imo, so i do not mind reading about them.

unfortunately, a lot of people in this fandom think making sakura barely "”””legal””””” (18, not even 20 which is hilarious to me because the source material is obviously japanese) because they both cannot stand her being past her “prime years” of being young fertile and fuckable to much older men as well as thinking a 20 year old is automatically old enough to handle that type of relationship. ive seen a lot of unironic takes that believe it will absolve them of callout posts if they throw around age of consent and “shes 18 now suckers!!!” enough lmfao. absolutely hilarious. aging a minor up without aging the adult down seriously reeks of predatory “cant wait until youre 18″ narratives and thats why i find it similarly disturbing as straight up pedo shipping.

ultimately, sasosaku is and will always be a inherently problematic ship in canon, which is why i think it should always be handled a little more responsibly in fandom spaces, ignoring or outright excusing the main problem factor, which is sasori, isnt going to convince anyone that the dynamic in itself is well written and interesting enough to explore in aus, like giving sasori the redemption most of us wanted him to have by aging him down to a point in time where he was still realistically going to allow being positively influenced, similar to gaara. 

so really, what i think is well handled age gap and how most people handle age gap in the naruto fandom are two different worlds at times lol 

tl;dr

canon shippers have never been anything but gross when i was younger and i didnt wanna be like that, even if youre “smart”enough to differenate, actual creeps dont really care and might use your content to blur the lines, sasori isnt rly redeemable so romantic canonverse realistically wouldnt make much sense and is still iffy, age gaps are fine if they are handled well, but given that the dynamic doesnt really need the age gap to still work im not that invested on making that an essential part of my shipping experience.  

thank you for reading and hope this makes sense!

[anarchy-in-the-pre-k]

thoughts i finally wrote down about “real literature” and whether or not art is worth it at all, i just dont know anymore

ive been thinking along these general lines for like a year or two now, and i dont know why im only now writing them down, but i wrote this specifically at 3AM so please don’t judge my writing. also, the more I think about it, the more I’m unsure whether or not this mini-essay only applies to the emptiness of existentialist stories bc i honestly cant think of a way that this would apply to, say, any christian narratives. maybe its just an issue i have with modern novels specifically. oh god oh god oh god im rambling, time to just paste what I had before:

We have often been told that there is a separation of “class” in literature. There is “high” literature, and there is “low” literature. Even in its most innocent form, this distinction is incredibly vague, and I feel as though most arguments against the dichotomy/distinction are far more political/idpol-focused than they need to be in order to prove that it’s bullshit.

I think that it might be easier to define “low literature” first, and then to define high literature as its opposite rather than defining high literature on its own. “Low literature” is often directly equated with escapism, or at the very least, is defined with some combination of “escapist”, “poorly written” (subjective), “low brow” (often in reference to lurid/vulgar subject matter, which warrants this complaint being filed under “escapist”), or “shocking” (see: low brow). And escapism is much more clearly defined than the vague term “low literature”.

Escapism is, simply, letting a work of art help you forget about your real life. It is a story that is enticing/enrapturing to the point that the audience is able to enjoy it without thinking about how it relates to reality. You don’t go to escapism for moral instruction or the articulation of vague feelings that are dawning on you because of your political/social circumstances. In a way, you read escapist stories to forget nearly everything except for the story itself, and the story does not put on airs about having any application in reality.

What is the opposite of escapism/low literature then? High literature must be the rejection of “escape”, and the embracing of narratives which seek to “impact” the reader morally/philosophically/politically. High literature concerns itself only with how meaning might be carried from the story to the outside world.

This seems to be a good distinction, if a simplistic one. The distinction, however, falls apart when one tries to consider the genuine impact of most pieces of “high literature” that one has read.

How many times have you read a sort of Glass Menagerie-esque story about a man who, after witnessing the absurdity of his surroundings and the randomness of life, decides to shirk all of his responsibilities and run off into the sunset to pursue a more fulfilling existence of doing whatever he pleases? Nearly every novel I read in high school had this formula. How liberated did you, the reader, feel after witnessing this transformation? How inspired did you feel to change your own life after deciding that the main character had the right idea?

How much did you actually change your life afterwards? When was the last time you’ve read a “deep” book, that actually changed the way in which you live day-to-day? This euphoria that lingers after a character swears off all absurdity and begins to live authentically? Did it imprint itself on you? Or was it just another way to distract yourself from your miserable material existence?

Was it a way to escape?

Was it, if anything, a more convincing escape than Harry Potter or The Lord of the Rings because you thought that it had actually changed you? Or did it just affirm what you already believed about the world, and promised that one day you will be happy too because now you know all of the same things as this main character? Did you believe that promise?

From another angle- When this character rode off into the sunset to live a more authentic life, what exactly do you think this means for them? If they had suffered materially under a cruel political/social situation, then what is the fulfilment they ultimately seek by freeing themselves from “society, man!!!”? Better food? Sex? Travel? Anything that mundane?

A lot of these questions I’m leveling at myself because I’d considered Catch-22 to be my favorite novel ever since I first read it when I was 13. And maybe these are the sort of questions that only apply to atheistic, entry-level existentialist narratives anyway. But even though I considered Catch-22 to have had such an impact on my worldview and the way that I lived when I was younger, when I ask myself directly “How did I start living differently after having read Catch-22”, I end up drawing a blank. I already saw myself as a heroic slacker, I already had much contempt for the purposefully confusing powers-that-be all around us that force us to accept self-contradictions as a natural part of thought, and I already desperately wanted a logical reason to care about anybody other than myself because all signs were pointing towards me becoming a self-centered asshole (which I didn’t want to be, I just considered myself a rational person, so I wanted a rational reason for not becoming a libertarian basically). I think about all of that and realize that Catch-22 didn’t do much more for me than remind me that I’m not alone in these thoughts.

My only real question now is not whether or not to stop consuming fiction altogether (which I’ve considered, believe me), but whether or not I have so little dignity that I can start to read the most poorly-written comic books and science fiction and absolute garbage out there and say to myself “this is just as impactful as Moby Dick”. Or whatever.

[transrightsjimin]

this might seem like a silly question but do you think tae has been okay this past year? i used to be super into bts 2013-17 and im getting back into them again so ive been watching run bts but he seems so much more quiet than i remember, ive only watched the last maybe 6 eps but i was just wondering do u think hes just tired or is this something thats been consistent? idk how to phrase my question properly i hope you understand

i dont want to psychoanalyze him too much (and have already been accused of doing so nd been attacked bc i once said i relate to him a lot in terms of my autism nd that seeing him makes me happy but. whatever lol) so i’ll just go by what he shared w us nd what is known. i’ve been a fan since 2014 and knew the group since 2013 so i will share what i know and read throughout the years. i hope my answer is a bit more helpful than the quora pages where people ask something similar to your ask (but with infantilizing nd ableist language instead) but in the end, i don’t know him nd just go by interviews and past observations.

Taehyung has shared w fans that he has been feeling depressed the past year and dealt w sleeping problems, which i think he has mentioned in a few times but the first one i can think of is in his interview in Weverse magazine, where he discusses how tired and down he’s felt in 2020. He also explains his thoughts behind the song Blue & Grey, which is meant to comfort people in that sort of headspace. while i think he has become more quiet over the years in general, you can def see his mood change the past year. as a side note, i notice the same about the other members when watching old concerts and such. they put a lot of effort and energy into activities they could do lately but i was still really caught off guard seeing how much more happy and excitable they all looked when in front of a real audience. which is all understandable of c bc as they noted before, an audience recharges their energy of course.

i thought he had become generally more reserved over the years, even before 2020. fans have speculated it is because his grandmother (who raised him for 10+ years nd whom he had a great bond w) had passed away and he has even received a lot of hate for expressing at a show that she died as he was portrayed as ‘attention seeking‘. a good friend of him also died by suicide in 2017 and in 2018 his grandfather died. these deaths are some of the possible reasons he might be looking less excitable.

in bts festa 2019 the members talk about how much more taehyung has matured over the years, e.g. being more mindful of others. Tae adds that he changed his mind on what happiness means for him, as he used to think it meant when everything was great for him, but later on he realized that it made him most happy when all members are happy together and when he sees the positive in things. so there’s a part of maturity there in terms of being less careless / stubborn / free-spirited, even if (as the members state) that is also what used to draw in fans back in the day because he drew attention in shows.

so it’s not per se bad he became more quiet / reserved and less stubborn as it helps be mor considerate of other ppl and he reflected on how he could make the most out of difficult situations.

i’m not sure if it was him too but members have mentioned in songs and interviews (I thought also Jimin did so in the same festa but i couldn’t find the moment quickly) that many people have tried to get close to them, just because they found them interesting for their fame but not care for them. the group has become more critical to such interests and cut off people who mistreated their openness. this might not per se be the whole reason for him smiling less or a reason at all, but his character did change over the years.

it might be important to add that his character / vibe (which i will rather refer to as autistic traits than any of the ableist language people online use :S ) is what drew a lot of negative attention by netizens, such as when he mentioned his grandma on tv, or when he cried on mama 2018 stage, or when he mouthed along to a song when they won an award in 2015. him just being goofy and happy were falsely flagged as misbehaviour in controversies caused by (then) larger fandoms that tried to undermine bts.

i am in no way saying Taehyung is the only one targeted or anything. i actually really hate that framework considering all of bangtan have been targeted by hate nd went through hard times mentally as a whole. and there is a HUGE issue recently within the fandom, where solo stans of tae have been popping up, who pretend bangtan mistreats tae and that he needs to go solo. which is just insulting considering he keeps emphasising they are a group /family and that he wants people to care for all of them and not just one. what i meant to say instead is that his behaviour has changed a lot bc it has been criticized a lot.

and as a final note i want to say that it is not particularly unnatural for Tae to be more quiet / depressed / reserved. i remember that early on in my army days, either in early 2014 or early 2015, Tae was not active on social media and generally more reclusive to the public for several months in a row. then too, people speculated he was tired or overwhelmed or depressed and idk if that is true, he was just less present to the public, but i meant to address that in the past too he could be more quiet or reserved at times so it’s not completely new or different for him to be more in the background. which is totally ok and in this case, we know he is more down and why. i dont think the members are obligated to talk to us about their mental or physical health, but i do appreciate them speaking up anyway bc it is very reassuring nd opens up healthy conversations.

TLDR; tae’s personality and public persona did change over the years, for both bad and good reasons, but morever it is true that he struggled w being depressed and w sleeping problems (as he himself discussed). the pandemic doesn’t help those issues.

i hope this answers your question?

i ended up still going WAY in to depth and speculating but i tend to ramble and look up links to support stuff i remember jfhgk sorry about the long answer, i always forget where im going once im typing. my answer already feels too much like psychoananalyzing him and im not a fan who disect a picture of e.g. a member smiling / looking somewhere / not smiling and writing a whole essay on his thoughts or traumas or whatnot behind it. so i hope i didn’t come off as going that route. ^^;

[one-supportive-oliver]

I just posted but here we are!

So, ive thought about doing a proper trans story for the few seconds since my introduction post and I really dont want to. I am going to, overall I want to but not today. 

For now I wanna discuss soap. 

I have known I am genderfluid for awhile now (years), but I just recently started using a more masculine smelling soap/deodorant (days). My transition has been a slow process. I think that Ill make a whole separate post on that, but the gist of it is that I have taken very little steps to accommodate my sometimes non-binary and male self. I am an AFAB* person, so what I have is femme things and what I am learning is that I am more masc. (I am taking steps to keep in touch with my femininity though, I dont wanna loose that valid and real side of me.) Anyways, ive gotten clothes and a few hair cuts, and I am feeling a lot more euphoric* than I used to. But I had not gotten to soap yet. 

A big part of this is me undermining my identity. Ive noticed myself doing this in the past as well. For example, trying to convince myself to wear masc clothing on a neutral day because I might turn into a man throughout the day. There are so many faults with that logic I could write an essay. The bottom line is that I was ignoring part of myself and I think that played a huge role in not getting more masc cleaning products. Another issue could be my smell all together. I dont have a great sense of smell, I have a theory it was from a bad sinus infection I got, but this probably caused me to not notice how I smell. I am realizing this is also flawed, as I can totally smell my body wash and LOVE it. Another thing I do is called denial. This might be denial or I just dont notice the issue until I accidentally fix it, but I definitely convinced myself that my body wash wasn't that big of a deal. 

Now, how I started thinking of getting my body wash is sorta a funny story. It was because of Dr. Squatch. If you dont know who they are, look up their soap/commercials, Ill link their website. I got several YouTube ads for them, and love how they were pressing for men to take care of their skin. I dont have a bar now, but plan to get the Pine Tar scent. If you dont know what kind you want, you can take a quiz on their website. Ill stop gushing now, but they are great. Either way, the ads got me thinking and I started constantly searching them up and browsing until I eventually realized that this is what I wanted. I am an adult but still live with my parents, so I asked my mom and she had some extra Old Spice around the house. I have the generic body/hair wash, and the lavender deodorant. I didn't realize how much I would love the difference. I legit debated showering twice in one day. I smell delightful and feel great about it. Another thought that had not occurred to me is that I feel masc/neutral most of the time, meaning I am going to use this soap most of the time. Why I did not think of this sooner is beyond me, but it is alright. I got there and feel great about it. My next stop is getting some Try Guy boxers. (Im not kidding, these will be my first boxers). 

Alright, I thought this post was gonna be a few sentences long and now here we are! I do hope you enjoyed and love you all lots. Thank you all for reading and any questions you may have please ask. I hope that you are all able to get the soap you want and be happy! 

May you never feel that you are alone!

- Ollie

*Assigned Female at Birth - This is someone whose sex is female 

*Euphoric - The feeling of your physical body being aligned with your gender identity, opposite of dysphoric.

*Dysphoric - The feeling of your body not aliening with your gender identity. 

Dr. Squatch Soap: https://drsquatch.com/?campaignid=1139329386&adgroupid=55814821187&adid=258151545078&gclid=Cj0KCQjwz8bsBRC6ARIsAEyNnvqWkkn_rU4cFwzzDJjTixbowNtlgVmxaAqR1sqYAaDL0WzcWHW39S4aAgH5EALw_wcB

[shidiand]

How do you imagine Tenco's Story ending in your head?

that is a GREAT but UNEXPECTED QUESTION freshlybaked "spider" bread and i'm really happy to have the opportunity to try and answer this ageless question that has burned within all of us in the tenco's story iv waiting room community since 2013. it is an incredible coincidence (or is it? 👀) that i was just talking to Risa about tenco's this (edit: yesterday) morning so i am extra double super in the mood to talk about Tenco's Story today. so excellent of a coincidence is this that i am tempted to refer you to them in case you wanted to hear their thoughts on the matter that would probably turn out super cool, but that is neither here nor there; let us talk Tenco's Story.

i of course must mention my unadvertised and modestly detailed commentary on tenco's i-iii at https://shidiand.tumblr.com/tencos, presenting slightly interesting facts in an unwieldy and difficult-to-use format, but as it dates back to june 2017, i want to take some time to understand my feelings about the series once more.

tenco's story is a series that has a lot of meaning to me.

i took on my current name of shidiand in november of 2013. i was still in 11th grade at the time, 4th year of high school, and a very socially isolated person. i should say i was introduced to touhou in 7th grade, 2010, so i was still working through a 3 years-strong phase of trying to simultaneously both find an outlet for and bottle up an endless wellspring of awkward weeaboo-gamer nerd energy at the time.

i had my first real foray onto the internet in 2010, tried out twitter, followed some RPers and other people who had Cool Touhou Usernames. didn't really go anywhere. i had maybe 50 followers, i dont really know the count but it was definitely a) double digits and b) pretty low. didn't know what to tweet about. didn't know how to hit it off with others. i think there was basically maybe only 3 other people i ever properly interacted with. oh shit i was playing league of legends at the time. oh my god. i really did play league of .. oh my god. let's move on.

aw shit im super digressing amn't i. well.

this is just how it goes when i write essays on tumblr.com.

i'm afraid you're just along for the ride at this point so please do your best to enjoy it.

i got kind of tired of twitter at the time because i didnt know what to do with it. didnt know how to interact with people and didnt find the people i was following interesting, so i ghosted on out of there by the end of 2012. didnt deactivate it until like 2015 but at that point that was just burning away my dark history. anyways. november 2013.

--im taking a lot of time here trawling through old files on my computer, my tumblr blog, notification emails still lying around in my gmail inbox from twitter, the dropbox i didn't actually use but it had several tenco's story pictures on it but i deleted them so this was useless, ... to trace the timeline of this story and im really seeing a lot of remnants of dark history here you know? did you know i wrote a letter to a girl i had a crush on valentine's day 2014, slipped it into her locker, and anxiously hung around nearby at lunchtime to see how she reacted at lunchtime? i certainly didn't, or at least i made darn ass sure to forget about this incredible virgin incident and not remember it, ever, until i came across the records of it that i thoughtfully preserved for the me of 5 years later today. ok well now i have to read the letter to see if it was as bad as it just sounded there brb

ok so the good news is that it was actually very focused on being positive and full of admiration for the cool things she did instead of being a confession letter so i am very glad i was able to be a respectful chad 5 years ago, but the bad news is that the jokes, the actual sentences i put together. oh my god. but i mean. well. at least i got the spirit. its certainly a step up from this other person in my grade, WEEABOO ANDREW, YOU MAY RECALL THIS STORY AND HIS NAME FROM PREVIOUS STORYTIMES, THE MAN THE MYTH THE LEGEND who came to school on halloween once cosplaying kirito from sword art online and got very possessive about people asking if they could hold his black replica plastic sword, and probably worse, dropped a "will you be my girlfriend" letter into the locker of my homie and fellow trombonist samantha, who was a little bit nerdy, hung out with the anime-likers who were actually sociable and fun to be around so you can imagine why weeaboo andrew was into her, which had i) a direct quotation from SAO chapter 16.5 (origin of the famous "glopping noise" line), and ii) a condom. jesus christ. i dont want to talk about this any more. next topic.

i also put this drawing of iku nagae and her skarmory (actually an albinoss from 18 DRAGONS) on the other side of the letter because it was the coolest thing i could think of drawing at the time. and i completely agree with 2014 me because it IS super fucking cool. hell fuckin yeah

https://shidiand.tumblr.com/post/76301993387/iku-nagae-ft-that-thing-that-supposedly-is-a

alright that was a fun little trip down memory lane but lets get back on track. november 2013. i started anew as shidiand. still awkward, still learning how to express myself and looking for my place among others. i followed some touhou bloggers, hung around r/touhou a lot as well. in december i got my first tablet for christmas, a wacom bamboo splash. i still use this thing! the usb cable disconnects if you bump it so i have to find just the perfect position to sit in whenever i want to draw, but its served me well. anyways. i was just starting to play around with digital art but i remember, probably just before new years, for some reason i wanted to find out more about tenshi hinanawi (i don't remember why. tenshi wasn't even one of my favourite characters at the time) so i went googling and right there on zerochan i found this:

https://www.pixiv.net/member_illust.php?mode=medium&illust_id=23525572

this was during my dark souls phase so i just went BANANAS at the sight of this. this was literally the coolest image i had ever seen in my internet life. That image alone made me want to draw in hopes that I could make something as cool as that someday.

it wasn't immediately after but i soon discovered tenco's story, and it was love. kannnu was my very first artistic inspiration, and for a long time, my only one. i absolutely idolized them at the time. since then, ive found other artists to look up to, in a more healthy manner, but to this day i still look up to kannnu, still admire their work a lot.

i played around with drawing, followed the lives of people on tumblr, started reading touhou fanfiction, made a new twitter. i met a lot of new people along the way. some people i havent stuck with, some i cut ties with, and some people i still keep in contact with today. over those long 5 years of being shidiand, i found a name (i used to use shidian and then shid, but someone called me shidi once and i realized that was a lot better), how to reach out to others, how to express myself, places that i could feel included in. this is why i owe a blood debt to evelyn, who permitted me to kneel at her throne and was like "yea ok you can join my discord server u seem cool". evelyn, if you were confused by me ominously mentioning this blood debt/blood oath in a tumblr reply 1-2 years ago, this is the context. those 5 years were like a coming of age of sorts, that i never had when i was in high school.

and my love for tenco's story, that inspired me to draw that day, has been with me since almost the very beginning of my time as shidiand. from the beginning, i have always encouraged people to READ TENCO'S STORY, like the kin of those who cry PLAY MELTY or WATCH SYMPHOGEAR. i think my very first sidebar description was something akin to a prayer, written in very choral language, hoping for the day tenco's story iv was completed, ..., "meanwhile, furious shitposting". kannnu's work, finding delight in whatever they chose to draw, has been at my side, all along. my true mentor, my guiding moonlight...

so that's why i still to this day love tenco's story so much.

let's talk about tenco's story.

tenco's story is a story told through single pictures. the plot is vague, and details are sparse. dialogue is rare. we only know what has happened; we seldom know why. furthermore, there are many gaps between scenes that the reader is left to fill in for themselves; we see only snapshots that form an hazy outline of the events that occurred, and must imagine the rest. motivations and explanations fail me. but even with a barebones plot, tenco's story has themes, and if nothing else, those have to be carried through.

the main theme, of course, is journey and travel, but there are also other ideas, too. i actually think they start to change as the series goes on:

book i, where tenshi runs away from home, is about striking out on your own. it's a very fun and unpredictable journey, together with a friend.

book ii, where tenshi and iku are separated, forces tenshi to find and rely on companions of her own even more. but they do so, and they are able overcome hardships, and there is food and festival.

book iii marks a climax, reasserting tenshi's goal of finding the sword of hisou. i feel like the journey shifts from a travel (visiting) to a path forwards (making your way through). perhaps this is just something i get from knowing the locations from dark souls (Anor Londo, New Londo Ruins, the Great Hollow), but the locations start to give more of a sense of verticality, like they're emphasizing tenshi's climb to the summit. the hardships and enemies are the greatest they've been yet, and right when they near the top, tenshi and iku start to bleed. the book ends on an uncertain note.

if i had to describe the type of journey and travel that tenshi and iku undertake, there's this sense of wonder at discovering new places, wandering from vista to vista in delight, but also a sense of conquering, making it through a difficult patch. the sequence from pages 2-44 to 2-51, taken together, convey this sense of overcoming the best. it's one of my favourite parts. again, although the tone definitely starts to lean towards struggle in book iii, i think tenco's sense of wonder really is the heart of the series. there's no map of the world, no predicting where tenshi and iku will end up next. and through their travels, though they come across many enemies, they also find friends -- places of refuge, places full of life, people who will look after them for a few days, companions who will stay with them for the rest of the journey. at the end of book iii, we see a long haired tenshi with purple hair being impaled by the sword of hisou (3-33, see also this extra illustration that risa pointed out to me http://sinnnkai.blog.fc2.com/blog-entry-195.html), and regular short haired tenshi continuing on her journey (3-42). if we ignore the out-of-story images where tenshi has the sword of hisou, tenshi has actually only ever used her sunlight blade (2-24, 3-26, etc), so i think that the long haired tenshi on 3-33 is a different person altogether. (if i had to guess, she might be the purple haired woman in the top left of https://www.pixiv.net/member_illust.php?mode=medium&illust_id=35443328 as we have never seen that woman appear anywhere.) she probably has something to do with the flashbacks at the end of book ii and she might somehow be short-haired tenshi at the same time, but this is just speculation.

however, in 3-43, tenshi's hair is rather blue, so i don't know if this is the purple haired woman or not. if it is, tenshi is probably still fine and closing in on the summit, but if it isn't, then it's very worrying to see a picture of tenshi without any of her companions. it's very ominous.

meanwhile, iku, while climbing the red carpeted corridor, is stabbed, and disappears for a few pages. there's a black page, a shot of a shrine that strongly resembles the hakurei shrine, and a picture of iku standing behind someone in a tux, with the line "In the past, I was saved by the lady I was serving, you see?". and then iku wakes up in a field of flowers.

i think what this scene makes clear is a theme that has continued to appear and reappear throughout every book of "being saved, being aided by someone's kindness".

i think another theme that is implied and has to be addressed by this story of running away from home is "return". something im imagining is that the reason tenshi makes finding the sword of hisou her goal is because she wants to have something to prove herself with, to vindicate her when she comes home. but i don't think she needs to prove anything, and i ultimately think that she would be happier spending the rest of her life exploring.

so i think this should be what happens in the ending.

open on iku's journey, and give her a long sequence of travel without seeing tenshi. underline her newfound resolve. she climbs to the summit with albinoss, and finds the rest of tenshi's companions fallen. and in the last room is sword of hisou tenshi, who has lost herself, and it comes down to iku to bring her back. after a difficult battle, when both of them are on their last legs, iku is unable to stand any longer. but at this moment tenshi sees her companions struggling to get back up and reach her, and that's what brings her to her senses. and iku gets to see how many friends tenshi's been able to make on her own, and they finally and properly reunite. together, tenshi and iku carry each other out of the last room.

i don't think it's necessary to return to heaven. as a conclusion, dedicate some time to tenshi and iku travelling together. they're on their way back, revisiting old friends who helped them along the way, enjoying the journey. their last stop is the house of the elderly nawis (1-42). tenshi shows off the sword of hisou; she decided to keep it not as a trophy to show her family but as proof of the bonds of her companions. surrounded by friends, tenshi and iku decide to part ways with each other, knowing that the other will be alright. iku drifts among the clouds once more, and tenshi sets off for the horizon.

that's the plot that i'd write/just wrote. i don't really expect tenco's story iv to ever come out, though. i mentioned my first sidebar description earlier in this essay, but of course, you can see that it's been changed. 2 years ago, i read my hopeful prayer once more and was struck with a terrible melancholy, so now it reads this: "having come to terms with the fact that tenco's story iv will never be released, i can still live, knowing that the spirit of the journey will live on through kannnu's original works [...] meanwhile, furious shitposting".

on one level, tenco's story is a story, but in the process of following it, i came to think of the work itself as a journey too. you can constantly see kannnu's improvement between and even within each book. they have always drawn whatever they liked; what plot matters in the face of "I wanted to draw a beautiful sky." "I wanted to draw a fantastic battle." "I wanted to draw Dark Souls and Monster Hunter and Pokemon and Brave Fencer Musashi and Bokura no Taiyou and Touhou."

its not really kannnu's style to go back and tie up old ends. they just draw whatever makes them happy. so as i watch them continue to draw beautiful places and fantastic creatures, new characters heading out on journeys of their own or just enjoying their everyday lives, it's as if tenco's story never ended. the limits and consistency of that world ignored, and a new one springs up; in a way, the world of tenco's, which had such thin boundaries, just gets bigger.

but even so, having said all that, i still see them draw that short-haired tenshi from time to time. it makes me happy to see them remember tenco's story with such fondness. often crossing over with orion or roar or elweiss, you can see tenshi on another journey.

[ursoself-satisfying]

Tagging Game!! Answer 21 questions then Tag 21 people you want to know better!! 

I was tagged by @sunnnymercury n @wassupitschloe !!!!! lol I almost forgot to do this its so fun im just absent minded !!!

Nickname: mo or momo ::)) 

Zodiac: aquarius !!

Height: like 5′6?? 

Last movie I saw: Bohemian Rhapsody Sing a Long lol,, 

Last thing I googled: “all power corrupts” ((it was for an essay,, I was trying to find that Lord Acton quote rip))

Favorite Musician: just one??? Queen is always up there lol but I also rly love Blur and the Who!!! 

Song stuck in my head: actually none rn God bless but I was singing “Anybody Have a Map” from Dear Evan Hansen yesterday rip 

Other blogs: oof I’ve got like 9 blogs total but I dont use many of them,,,, I have my personal (@catbusfurrever) n a 70s blog I dont always keep up  (@starlettecinema) n then an art one (@art-trek ) n then like another art,, a backup queen,, i think 2 backup personals,, n a shady one lol none of them are good besides these 4 rip 

Do I get asks: yes!! I lovelovelove getting them too!!!! I would love to get more lol but ik I’m slow at answering n putting out content so i get it!! I’m always open tho my dms, my asks, my submissions!! I love to make friends!! ur all such lovely people lol makes me so happy talking to yall ::””))

Blogs following: following me or that I follow?? cus I think im following like 1k+ blogs rip but on this blog in particular i have about 800 followers that make me so happy everyday!! if I get to 1k I gotta think of something fun to do lol to say ty n ilysm!!!

Amount of sleep: hm Ive been sleeping in lately so probably more like 9+?? depresso vacation mode is still on but on my normal schedule its more like 7 hrs 

Lucky number: my favourite number is 9 bc I like to write it,,, i like the flow n curves of it,,, i think my lucky number (cus like numerology n all that) would be 6!! n yes,,, ik,,, 69,,,,

What am I wearing: my jammies!! i dont wear anything other than pajamas if I dont have to lol,, my pants have Christmas trees n my shirt is Weezer haha

Dream job: artist,, just like in general,, I do a lot n i wanna make a lot n if I could make a living off of that it would be amazing lol,, but like going to school for stuff?? if I dont make it as a musician lol I would love to get back into film n work my way to director wow 

Dream trip: hhhhnnnngggg,,, i love japan ik it sounds cringey but I love the countryside n I would love to see all the historical sites just as much as the amazing cities 

Favorite food: idk if I have a favourite but mac n cheese,,, w parmesan,,, n some bread crumbs or like crutons on it,,,, amazing,, 

Play any instruments: yup!! guitar n ukulele n I’m picking myself up a bass n REteaching myself piano rip 

Languages: english mostly but Ive taken God idk how many years of spanish like,,, 8 yrs??? n I can barely speak it but I understand it ok  

Favorite songs: OOF lets do favourite CURRENT songs,,, i love Moscow by Autoheart n the iSpy remix (iSpy Sins Not Tragedies is a BOP) n uuhhhh,,,, oh man A Quick One While Hes Away (Live) n Good Old Fashioned Lover Boy ofc ::””)) 

Random fact: uuuuuhhhhh I was Prom Queen junior year lol not bc i won the votes tho its a story haha

Describe yourself as aesthetic things: idk uuhh soft,, old,, alone but not in a sad way in a peaceful way,, chaotic but it makes sense,, spur of the moment decisions,, reusing old bags n always having unnecessary things rolling around in ur backpack bc u wanna be prepared for any situation lol,,,, idk its hard to see yourself from an outside perspective n determine if u have just one aesthetic cus i tend to flop from vie to vibe n I just kinda,,,, exist u kno?? just be u !!!

I’ll tag @angrylizardjacket if she wants to do it n @deakydeakyfics @deacytits if yall havent done it yet!! also @jem6869 n @princessleiaqueen bc theyre so lovely!!! N anyone that wants to that means U!!!! have fun!!! 

[uncloseted]

I feel like all the questions ive submitted, even ones I sent in months ago, may have just disappeared or something because they haven't been answered and its a bit frustrating. im not trying to be rude I just feel like my questions are being ignored or not popping up.

I'm sorry that's been happening! I can imagine it must be frustrating. Pretty much all the questions I get are anonymous, so I promise I'm not ignoring you in particular. I do try to answer everything in my inbox, but that's not always possible for a number of reasons.

Without knowing which questions you sent in, I can't really tell you what happened to them, but here are a few reasons why a question might not have been answered:

Tumblr eats questions. I'm not totally sure why that is. I do think that people with weaker internet connections are more likely to have their asks eaten, so I think it might be that the internet connection sometimes gets interrupted when the ask is being sent, and the ask doesn't go through?

Sometimes I won't answer a question if it's been answered recently or one that I answer a lot. I do this because I don't want to spam people's dashboards with the same few posts over and over again.

It's in the queue. I try to queue posts that aren't urgent so that there's something posted every day, even if I'm not at my computer, and so I'm not flooding people's dashboards.

I did answer it, but you didn't see it. That's not your fault at all- I answer around 20 questions a day, sometimes more, and so things are bound to get lost. Plus, Tumblr's search function isn't great, so it's hard to find posts after they're published.

It would be irresponsible for me to answer. Sometimes people send me very personal, very honest messages about a traumatic event that they've been through. As much as I wish I could help with those situations, I'm just not qualified. I'm not a therapist, counsellor, psychiatrist, or any other type of mental health professional, and I don't want to inadvertently cause harm by giving a bad response. These types of situations take months or years to unpack with a qualified professional. And even if I was that qualified professional, without being able to have ongoing conversations with a person, I wouldn't be able to be much help. I'm happy to listen to these if people feel like they need someone to talk to, but I can't in good conscience answer these kinds of questions.

I'm just busy. Like I mentioned earlier, I answer about 20 questions every day. If each of those questions takes ten minutes to answer, that's about 3 hours and 20 minutes of answering questions every day. So I spend about 20 hours a week answering questions on here. It's basically the equivalent of a part time job. Plus, I approach some posts like college-style essays, where I do hours of research and/or spend hours trying to figure out my position before I even start writing. And sometimes the asks I get are about something I don’t have expertise in, so it takes me a while to do all the research that I need to do in order to give a full, scientifically backed answer that I can be proud of. Don't get me wrong- I absolutely adore answering questions and I wish people would send in more! Those long posts especially are a real joy for me to write. But that all does take time.  It’s important to me that I don’t cut corners and that I do everything I can to be helpful. And that means that sometimes, when life gets in the way, things just don't get answered because I don't have the time to devote to them.

[messofcurls-creative]

Hey. I love your wax of wane series so much. your writing is amazing and Ive found myself somewhat attached to Josh and Chris's relationship. Ive been reading through maybe a chapter a night and your writing is so good and im kinda addicted. So I was looking through all the chapters in the series and i accidentally read a tag that I wish i didn't later on in the series about their breakup? Im a couple chapters away, but im terrified I wont be able to take the angst. is there a happy ending? plz

Thanks so much for getting in touch. I’m glad that you’re enjoying the series, and it’s nice to know that people are still into it even though I haven’t updated in a while ^^;So… the dreaded tags. It’s always a bit of a dilemma deciding whether to include them, but I generally err on the side of caution so readers can make up their minds about what content they want to consume. Unfortunately, as you’ve discovered, this sometimes leads to spoilers.In this case, I can’t promise you won’t feel the angst, if I’ve done my job correctly. From what is currently part 17 onward (I say currently because this will probably change), you’re in for a bit of a rough time. The latest part - The Mountains Are Calling - is still a work in progress, which I’ll update when I get the chance to, but again, let’s just say it’s not the most upbeat of fics.

In better news, I have at least two more multi-chapter fics plotted out that continue the series beyond part 20, and two other multi-chapter fics set before chapter 17 - both smutty and in one case almost sickeningly fluffy - so hopefully that will soften the blow a little bit. In the meantime, if you’ll excuse the blatant self-promotion, I have some angst-free alternatives that might tide you over. I’ve posted a few other fics on ao3 besides the ones listed, but they’re either from other fandoms or perhaps a little too dark:

Planet Terror:A longass smut odyssey I co-wrote with the amazingly talented @flowerkingofangmar . Josh and Chris go to the drive-in. It’s filth. I’ll leave it at that.

35mm:This is where I keep my Tumblr drabbles (all smutty), which are, so far, very much inspired by the artwork of the unabashedly awesome @desperado-raspado . She posts a lot of great Until Dawn content (primarily NSFW), so her blog is worth checking out regardless.

Guts and Sparks:This isn’t fluffy by any means, but it isn’t exactly angsty either (?) It’s another ongoing fic that I’ll hopefully finish someday. I won’t go into too much detail in summary for fear of spoilers, but the tags should give you a rough idea of what’s in store. Lots of gore, so if that’s not your deal, give it a miss!

I’m currently working on another multi-chapter Climbing Class fic set in a decidedly happier AU, so there’s that, too. Fingers crossed I’ll be in a position to post it soon.So, back to your original question. I’m loath to give away the ending of W+W, but can confirm that I do have an ending in mind that will, I hope, give some resolution. I’m sorry I can’t elaborate, but I hope you’ll keep checking back. Again, thanks a lot for the ask, it means a lot. Apologies for the huge fuckin’ essay! xx

[boyapologist]

i think part of the thing for phannies(me im talking about me) is that yeh, we used to freak out over rumors, but over times its just gotten more fun? like dnp used to commuicate pretty well so all rumors were teased by them or debunked by phandom fbi within hours. now, its more like rumors add drama, and since theres already so much tension within the phandom and some anger towards dan, everything is stepped on really lightly. (1/?)

"plus due to the history of the phandom and bad connotations from outside perspective, phannies nowadays tend to be very cautious about freaking out or investigating too throughly. me personally, i get both freaking the fuck out and watching myself. and also with the current lack of communication its really difficult to get super excited about anything that isn't confirmed. i definitely wouldn't say ive been here a long time(3 years) and by this point getting excited for things is a let down if dnp themselves haven't confirmed it 100%. also part of the rumors have been created/hinted at by dan and phil so that most of the dedicated audience isnt blindsided by goings on and has a idea of something before it is released. for example when tatinof/tabinof was released with no warning, as in no rumors before or any whispers of happenings, as far as i know people were not happy. personally i dont mind rumors as long as they dont hurt anyone and are fun to speculate.

btw i realize that ive sent a lot of shit and sorry... but you asked for my opinions so ima keep talking, feel free to ignore me... ive definitely been in other fandoms before, but and this is legit nothing like anything else. for one there is one pairing(unless you count the crack ships and fetus phan twitter interactions). i think part of the lesser reaction is because we dont want to get our hopes up. which is kinda a pessimist perspective.

my opinions on the book? im happy for dan, and im glad to know hes been doing SOMETHING. and i def know that inwill buy the book whenever it comes out. but i also know that it could be a mistake, put under the wrong author. or it could fall through. something ig i go by, is that if its not straight(ha) from dan(or phils) mouth the phandom is going to question the source and even the information. plus i think the excitement for the book is being overshadowed by the fact dan doesnt talk to us.

i love both dnp with my entire heart and the phandom helped my learn, grow and accept myself. but the rumor mill has been beaten to death and i think by this point people are wayy to tired and frankly apathetic to freak out. but know interally, everyone is excited to some degree"

---

firstly anon you go OFF writing an essay about how you feel, I love to hear people's views! this actually helped me a lot to put this into perspective.

It's kind of sad that the phandom got to a point that we can't just be happy about stuff, and I can see there's a lot of baggage and stuff holding everyone back. I think this is something we should all work on honestly, because a idol-fan relationship is STILL a relationship and it needs to be healthy, I guess?

but honestly this happens in every fandom. I just feel like phannies are the ones that hold the most grudges. There's so much fucked up stuff that happened in my other fandons and that we were able to let in the past.... I feel like phannies need to to breath a little and remember why we're all here.

(even if it's extremely difficult, I know for a fact it is. I was "out" of the taylor swift fandom for literally a year to reflect on everything that was happening and it was the healthiest choice ever.)

but I think as soon as this is actually announced (if it's even true) we'll be all collectively excited again. sure, there was some drama surrounding dan's coming out too, but at the end we were all just... happy. I hope whatever this project is can bring us together like that again, even if it doesn't lasts. I'm excited!

[wellamarke]

Hey Joni :) Long time no speak, but wanted to see if you had any advice. I'm thinking about owning a stick insect, do you have any suggestions? such as, should I get more than one or are they happy being on their own? Do you use a heat mat under their tank to keep it warm? (also as Im planning to total own giant snails and giant leaf insects if I can in the near future but thats a step up! - are giant snails quite easy to look after?) x

[2/2]Hey Joni, You know that ask about stick insects and giant african snails I sent you a little while ago, can I add in a question? Ive read that snails carry salmonella bacteria like reptiles, does this make it difficult to keep them? I’m a bit of a germaphobe so salmonella makes me a little nervous but I’m absolutely in love with giant snails! Thank you!

Hellooooo! Sorry it’s taken so long for this to materialise. This is my third attempt at writing this, since my phone decided to eat it twice. Apparently I’m cursed. But now I’m here in a different app, praying that I’m not about to write an essay for nothing….

I thought I would post the reply publically so that anyone else who finds themselves interested in stick insects or snails can read it too. It might end up serving as a little FAQ section if my bug-keeping ways ever become known enough to be asked about frequently, heh heh heh.

So, here goes. Take three.

Stick Insect Suggestions

Plurality In terms of what they actually prefer - I’m not sure they mind much. I’ve kept them in pairs, triples, groups and - in the case of the recently departed Douglas - singles, and they seem to go about their Insecty business much the same, unencumbered by feelings of loneliness or rivalry. So I suppose it’s up to your preference how many you keep! Here are a couple of factors to consider, though:Babies sometimes die inexplicably. Well, perhaps to a doctor of stick insect ailments it wouldn’t be inexplicable… but through no fault of the owner, some nymphs don’t shed their skins properly, or fall from their tank roofs and damage themselves, and there’s not much you can do about it. So it seems best to start off with a handful of insects to ensure that you get at least one or two who survive into adulthood. (I still don’t know what happened to Carolyn, one of my original five. She developed a strange dent in her back that made her look as though she’d been snapped in half, but other than that seemed fine until it was time to shed her skin, which she couldn’t do. Babies are fragile, I guess. Once full grown they’re much less prone to random dying.) Ease of cleaning out. Once Douglas was alone it was soooo much easier to change over his leaves, because there was only one of him to keep an eye on why I did so. Cleaning out a tank while six of them are crawling all over the place requires a lot more presence of mind, obviously! Usually with just Doug I waited until he was in a convenient position where I didn’t have to disturb him too much, like on the roof or in one of the corners. If he was on the roof it was perfect because I could dump all the old leaves and swill out the whole tank. If he was in a corner I could at least wipe it. I tried not to bother him too much in his old age, otherwise I suppose I could have just moved him where I wanted him. This, too, would have been easier to do with just him to worry about.So you see there are advantages to having a group and having a single. Although you could get around the group difficulties by having a secondary container to deposit them in while you cleaned out their proper tank, I suppose.

Heat MatsHere is a secret about stick insects: they are easy to look after. Apparently on the internet, this is a secret. On the internet people like to overromanticise their Foreign Exoticness™, and would have you installing a heat mat, a miniature gymnasium, a salad bar and a skating rink for the comfort of your Foreign Exotic™ pets. But truthfully they are not fussy creatures, in my experience. Unless you live in the Arctic, your home is probably not too cold for them. I have never had heat mats for my sticks. I would say you need to guard against them getting too hot, rather than too cold - and I live in England!When I was about twelve, I had my very first stick insects, Stan and Laurel, for a rather brief amount of time that was cruelly cut short by them dying of heatstroke. They were left in direct sunlight for a couple of hours, and cooked. Meanwhile, the insects I’ve had since then have survived English winters with no ill effects - and no heat mats. Of course, mine are Indian Stick Insects, the most basic kind money can buy. I claim absolutely no expertise on any other kind of stick (or leaf, or indeed otherwise shaped) insect - possibly, some of the ones that truly have a degree of Foreign Exoticness™ will be glad of a good heat mat. Don’t quote me unless you’re buying Indians. Probably don’t quote me at all, lest the Righteous Exotickers descend on me…! But I would honestly say Indian stick insects are fine in most climates without a heat mat.

Other things:

I very rarely handle my stick insects - the few times I’ve touched them have mostly been accidental! Maybe it’s me projecting my touch-phobe ways onto them, but Douglas lived four months longer than the average so I can only guess that he was pleased to go undisturbed for most of his life. My defence here is that if I wanted a touchy-feely pet, I would have got one with fur. (Also, I read somewhere once that sometimes being picked up can scare them, and they’ll just drop a leg and run away, hopefully regenerating the limb later but if not, their attitude is “oh well, at least I got away from the scary human with my other five”. I have no idea if this is true, but I don’t touch them with my hands if I can help it. If I do need to move them I try and tempt them onto a leaf first. Though if a stick has decided it wants to be somewhere, you often have a job convincing it to move.)

I have recently taken to setting some stems with leaves on in little containers of water, which makes them last much longer. But the insects could drown in more than a few drops of water, so the containers are covered, with just a few holes in their lids to let the stalks through. I don’t know if that’s a good enough description, maybe I’ll add a photo here later of this setup.

They love to drink tiny water droplets, so a spray bottle is a good thing to keep on hand. You can get away with only changing the leaves every four or five days if the spray’s there to break it up.

They have cute little faces. Once they’re adult it’s big enough to see. Make sure you cherish their faces and tell them often that they are beautiful.

Don’t worry if the top part of their front legs start going red. I thought Doug and his siblings had developed some kind of disease when I first noticed this! But actually red “armpits” (as I began calling them) are a sign of healthy adulthood. If anything it just means you can stop worrying that they’ll die during skin-shedding, because they won’t need to shed anymore. (Again, I can only speak for Indians… perhaps in other stick species red legs is a sign that the End Times are upon us!)

I have recently taken to covering the floor of the tanks with tissue paper. I never bothered before this generation of babies hatched, but when they did I read that tissue is a good idea, because if they fall on it they’ll be protected. Now I just kind of do it anyway, even though they’re all about the same age as Douglas and Co were when I got them. Not only does it protect them a little from falling, it makes clearing out the droppings ten times easier, especially if they insist on staying put when you’re trying to do so. As mentioned, they are stubborn beasties. I wonder sometimes if they were called stick insects because their feet stick to things, and then we named wooden sticks after them because of the resemblance, rather than the other way round…

Giant Snails!

Are they easy to look after?Yes, I think so! They eat most kinds of fruit and vegetables - exhaustive lists can be found on Snail Forums, but mine are especially fond of lettuce and broccoli. They’re not that bothered about strawberries or cabbage, I’ve found. I don’t know if this is typical or just Snailsa and Shelemiah being awkward. It’s fun to watch them eating, and I just take out uneaten food once it looks a bit old, before it goes mouldy on them. I also don’t give them the outer leaves of lettuce etc, because it might have pesticides on. The other thing they like - for some reason - is flakes meant for exotic fish. No idea why, and I probably wouldn’t have thought to give it to them, but the people we adopted them from sent them with a tub of fish food, and sure enough, they can’t get enough of the stuff. If they’re sulking about something and won’t eat, I sprinkle a bit of fish food and suddenly everything is forgiven. Strange but true.They also need a sprinkle of calcium every now and then on their food, to help keep their shells strong. Everywhere you look people recommend cuttlefish bone too, and I have given mine some, but I’ve never seen them actually use it so for good measure I still sprinkle a little calcium. They like to be kept damp, so every day I spray them with water. Sometimes if they get too hot they seal themselves into their shells, and then they need a good dousing from the spray bottle to coax them out. The first time it happened I thought they were dead… but they’ve revived each time, and I just try not to let them get too dry for too long. I also have to check for eggs every few days, and they should be removed and frozen. (I’m not sure how easy/legal it is to breed your own baby snails. Everywhere I’ve read, it just says not to. You definitely can’t release them into the wild, because they’re not part of the ecosystem here.) I actually haven’t ever found an egg… so I’m not sure how often they’re supposed to appear?!I think snails do prefer to live in pairs or more, for what it’s worth. They are, to quote something I read online, “gregarious”. Love that word. Never seen it used in regard to stick insects, but… The snails have the kind of peat/soil stuff sold for large spider care, in the bottom of their tank to bury themselves in or dig around. I change that when it gets old but I’m not sure how often it should by rights be changed. Usually ends up being every other month or so.

SalmonellaYes, they do carry salmonella, which is a little unfortunate. I have a supply of plastic gloves that I keep with their tank, and I use them the whole time I’m handling them or their stuff. Then afterwards I still wash my hands with soap, because….. you never know! I’m not usually a germaphobe at all but I’m being unprecedentedly careful over the snails, heh heh. Maybe I’ll get lazier once I’ve had them a bit longer (as I’ve heard of other people touching them with their bare hands etc), but at the moment I’m taking the double precaution. It’s not much of a bother really, in comparison to how cute they are to look at :D

Well, I think that’s it, and woohooo, my phone has left it alone so far! Now let’s see if it will post. Doubtless I’ll come back and add more things as I remember them, but for now… this has been a Sticks & Snails PSA! Thank you for your attention.

[5hfanfiction]

coming out (six) ⇾ camren

Authors Note: HI GUYS! I’m really sorry for being so shitty in keeping up with this book, a lot has been happening lately. My fiancée’s father died about two weeks after New Years and she’s been really torn about that because we are still arranging dates for our wedding and she was really excited for him to walk her down the aisle and be the first daughter of his to get married but everything happened so fast.

He had a seizure at dinner, ambulance and everything came, it was very sudden. Basically at the hospital they tell us that he has a basically inoperable brain tumor which none of us knew of. He’s been complaining about sharp pains and headaches for basically all of 2016 and we’ve all been urging him to go and have it checked out but he hates hospital more than anything and absolutely refused. The tumor was intact cancerous. He was placed in the hospital overnight for many nights and it basically got worse and worse each day. He had a series of seizures the night he died.

I’ve taken a break from writing to be there not only for my fiancée and her family, but for myself as well. Her dad was pretty much my dad in my eyes. If you haven’t already known, I’ve been in and out foster care systems for a big portion of my life because both parents had died due to drug addiction. I was in fact adopted later on in my life and I have the worlds best adoptive parents who are pretty much my own parents even if we don’t have the same blood but her father was there for me when my adoptive father wasn’t. He travels a lot and was gone for so much that i pretty much only had my adoptive mother to rely on as a parent figure until I met my fiancée and her dad. So when he died, it took a toll on me as well.

I focused mainly on reading and kind of chose to forget writing for a little while. This week my fiancée is in Canada going over funeral arrangements with her mother and other extended family and I’m home alone basically so I’ve found some spare time and decided to start this series up again considering it doesn’t have many chapters left since it is a short series. Its basically a one shot with many parts so I decided to give it a go again.

I’m really sorry though for being so M.I.A. I promise to update as much as I can, as I said before I’m ready to start some new fanfics and I can’t wait to share those with you.

I’m not usually one to share all my personal problems for fear of coming off attention seeking but you know what, fuck it. I kind of feel like you guys deserve an explanation. I’ve gotten many dms asking me to continue so here I am.

Also, TODAY IS MY 20TH BIRTHDAY! Its also the one year anniversary of me asking my fiancée to be my fiancée lmao. Hopefully we can get married for real though this fall when everything simmers down. But wow, I am no longer in my teens. I’m an adult dammit. Lmfao.

Anyways, enjoy this chapter and thank you for those of you who didn’t remove this story from your library.

Camila|

Watching Lauren walk away from her was almost harder than feeling herself walk away from Lauren. Her chest felt tight as her eyes sprang with tears. If only she’d let me explain…

Sighing softly to herself, she retreated back to find Lola as her attempt to slowly begin to mend things with her former band mate had failed miserably.

Coming to a stop in front of her girlfriend, Camila sighed. Her head throbbed the minute the girl had opened her mouth, “Why’d you chase after her?” Lola asked immediately.

“I just wanted to see how she was doing Lo-” she cut herself off. Lo was Lauren’s nickname. “Lola.”

The hazel eyed girl huffed as she pouted her lips slightly, “You don’t still have that stupid… Camren thing with her, right?” She asked. “I mean, I’m not really sure why that was even a thing. You’re way out of her league. She’s like a negative two hundred on the scale,” she scoffed.

Camila ground her teeth together as she looked down. Lola really knew how to piss someone off. “Lets go home,” she mumbled. She didn’t have time to deal with her shit.

Lauren|

Its been two days since she last ran into Camila. Its been two days since she was reminded of all that went wrong in her life. Seeing the successful singer made Lauren’s blood boil but heart throb all at once. She didn’t understand anything her body was telling her. All that was the least bit comprehendible was that Camila was bad news and Lauren stayed away from bad news no matter what.

She sighed softly to herself as she stood from her and Lucy’s bed. Lucy had gone off for coffee with an old friend Lauren didn’t know of until about a week ago but she didn’t question it. Lucy wasn’t obligated to share everything with her.

She has the day off and wasn’t really sure what to do with it. Normally she’d be spending it with Lucy but that was clearly out of the picture.

She stretched, hearing her back pop with several satisfying cracks before making her way up to her dresser to check her phone. She had the usual several too many text messages from friends but the unknown number caught her eye. She raised an eyebrow as she read the message. It was a simple “hey” to which she replied with a “Who is this” she grabbed her phone as she made her way into the kitchen, reading over the rest of her messages and replying to a few every now and then, being sure not to open the ones she didn’t want to reply to.

The moment she entered the kitchen, her phone vibrated in her hand. The unknown number. Her stomach dropped at the next words, “it’s Camila” she thought she may have misread as she blinked a few times. Seconds later, the bubble with three dots appeared indicating her former bandmate was typing.

C: dinah gave me this number

L: What the hell do you want Camila

Her blood boiled and heart pounded as Camila began typing. Didn’t she get the memo the last time they ran into each other? She wants nothing to do with her! She tapped her fingernails impatiently on the kitchen counter as she waited for the next message. Her anxiety was going through the roof. What was she writing? A college essay?

C: i dont want to fight with you lauren. I just want to explain. ive explained to everyone but you. please just give me the chance to tell you things my way and if it still isn’t enough, i’ll leave you alone forever. i promise.

Lauren reread the message over and over, her eyes burning from never blinking. This couldn’t be real. A small chuckle of annoyance fell from her lips as she began typing out her simple reply.

L: You can shove your explanation up your ass.

Her heart twitched as she hit send. She ignored the guilt from her sudden outburst of harshness and forced herself to prepare for anything Camila threw at her when the three dots in a bubble popped back up. What she read next shocked her. She expected old Camila. She expected Camila to be a bitch back at her. But she wasn’t.

C: okay. but if you happen to change your mind, i’ll be doing a little fundraiser for women’s right and lgbt rights in Miami Beach from 10am-6pm. ive invited the girls. mani, dinah and ally will be there. i heard you were with lucy, feel free to invite her as well. im really sorry for everything lo and i hope you can forgive me someday. have a good rest of the day.

Camila|

She willed the tears to go away as she hit send and threw her phone across the table. She never knew why even the thought of Lauren brought so much emotion into her. She could feel her ex bandmate’s eyes on her. It was silent for awhile before Dinah reached across from her to pick up the disregarded phone. Camila sat in silence as she read over the short conversation.

“She’ll come,” she finally said.

Camila looked up, a long sigh escaping her lips as she struggled to compose herself. “I doubt it,” she mumbled quietly.

Dinah shook her head, “She’ll come. Deep down, under all that hate and hurt, she still cares Mila. I promise,” the blonde haired girl sent her best friend a small smile.

Camila nodded, her face contorting into weird different expressions as she tried not to cry. She’s been doing that a lot lately and she wasn’t up for ruining her makeup the fourth time that week.

“So how are things with Lola?” Dinah asked.

Camila laughed, shaking her head. She didn’t even know what to say as she rolled her eyes over and over. She probably looked possessed. “I don’t even know why I’m dating her anymore Dinah,” she said truthfully.

“Just dump her,”

“I can’t,”

“Why not?”

“I don’t like hurting people,”

“You had a fine job doing that when you left the group,” silence fell upon them. Camila looked down at her lap, Dinah shaking her head. The blonde sighed softly, “I didn’t mean that Mi-”

“Its fine,” Camila said as she cut her off. “Lets just, lets just get ready for the fundraiser.”

***

Disappointment. That’s what Camila felt as she watched the last man pack up their belongings for the fundraiser. It was going on 8pm, it had gone a little over time with how many people had showed up, Camila was truly amazed. She loved every minute of it, meeting fans all while helping spread awareness on both women rights and LGBT rights but she couldn’t help the overall sadness as it came to an end. Lauren didn’t show up. She even had two guards waiting up front in case she did show up to escort her over. Nothing happened.

It was really hard for her to be happy in such an amazing environment when the one person she was hoping with everything in her to show up, didn’t show up.

Lauren|

“Babe you should go,” Lucy encouraged as she sat up slightly from the couch.

Lauren shook her head, walking over to her girlfriend a bowl of warm soup. “You’re not feeling well. I don’t have to go to the stupid fundraiser,” she mumbled.

Lucy gave Lauren a look as she accepted the soup, “First of all, you love fundraisers that tie down to those specific matters and you know it. Just last week you were saying how you wished it happened more often. Plus Fifth Harmony will basically be reuniting for the first time as a group in a while.”

Rolling her eyes, Lauren plopped down next to Lucy. Playing with the ring on her thumb she sighed loudly, “Why do you even care so much? You do know Camila invited me, right? You don’t really like her,” pausing she glanced at her girlfriend. “Besides, who’ll take care of you while I’m gone? The stupid thing is over anyways. She said it ended at 6 PM. Its like 7:45 now.”

“I don’t not like her. I just wasn’t fond of what she had done to the group,” Lucy shrugged. “And so? Weren’t you the one social media stalking her and saw she was spamming on Snapchat with videos just from like five minutes ago?” Lucy raised a knowing eyebrow at her girlfriend. “I can invite Kandee over if it’ll make you feel better about who’ll take care of me.” Kandee was Lucy’s longtime friend Lauren had recently learned about.

She sighed to herself as she thought over it, “What if it goes bad?” She mumbled quietly.

“She’s just asking you to hear her out, right? If you don’t like what she has to say, just leave,” Lucy reached over to rub her finger tips up and down her girlfriends arm, “It’ll all go good baby. I promise.”

***

This was a mistake. Lauren could feel it as she approached the empty area. I bet she’s gone. God I’m such an idiot. It was around 8 PM and the place was pretty much a ghost land. She saw a few people left but that was it. Her heart pounded in her chest as she stopped in front of the location Camila had texted her.

There stood a man who had his back turned toward her with “SECURITY” writing in big white letters on his black T-Shirt.

Clearing her throats softly, she proceeded to tap him on the shoulder. The man sighed before turning around. “Ma'am this even is over please-” the man paused himself before eyes widening. “I am so sorry Miss. Follow me this way,” Lauren felt confusion settle within her as she followed the man through the black curtains. Something in her told her not to, it could be a trap but she ignored it. She was always unnecessarily paranoid. “Miss Cabello!” The man shouted.

The ashy brown haired woman turned around, along with three other obviously familiar faces. A sense of nervousness washed over Lauren as the room went silent for a few seconds before an overly excited Ally ran straight toward her former bandmate along with Dinah and Normani. She felt overwhelmed with happiness as the three women bombarded her with questions and hugs. A couple years escaped her eyes. It felt so good to be in their presence again. But everything went just as fast as it came.

Suddenly they all realized the reasoning behind them all being there and a silent Camila. Pulling apart from each other, Normani spoke first. “We’ll give you guys some space.”

By then, the security guard had already left and the three ladies had found their way out. Lauren’s heart pounded as she took in Camila’s overall presence. The whole situation felt even more overwhelming as her former bandmate directed her toward a set of chairs to sit down. It was silent between them for quite some time, neither really knowing how to start off.

“I didn’t think you’d show,” Camila breathed out, deciding to speak first.

Lauren pursed her lips, looking down for a second then back up with a small head nod. “I wasn’t,” she answered honestly. “Lucy made me.”

She didn’t miss the small twinge of hurt in Camila’s features but tried her best to brush it all off. “You look nice,” Camila then said.

Lauren sighed, rolling her eyes. “Thank you but I didn’t exactly come to be complimented. I’m here for my explain so I can be on my way back to my perfectly unproblematic life,” she didn’t mean to come off so harsh. It kind of just happened and she did regret it when Camila paused and every feature in her face twisted into one of pain before looking down and clearing her throat.

“Okay,” she croaked. “Where do you want me to start?”

“The beginning. Why you left, why you feel I should pity you in anyway, etc.”

Camila clenched her jaw, “I don’t need your pity Lauren, that’s one,” sighing, she looked down as she attempted to collect her currently scattered thoughts.

“I left because I couldn’t do it anymore,” she started. “It was a decision I had already planned for months before the day I left. I left mainly because of you though,” she kept her eyes down as she felt herself relive those few earlier months. “You weren’t happy with me in the group. I could feel it, the fans could feel it, everyone could. It was like days that I wasn’t there, you shined the most. You seemed the happiest and most carefree. Obviously me being there was taking that away. My intentions weren’t to break the group as a whole, no. I was hoping if things played out well, you guys would continue as a foursome. I didn’t mean to fuck up everyone’s lives, I swear Lauren.”

“I couldn’t do it anymore. Not even just with you, I was taking away everyone else’s happiness. Normani wouldn’t, hell couldn’t even look at me off camera. Ally was always torn on who to side with, at one point she even hated me. I was breaking Dinah’s relationship with everyone in the group because I’d always make her feel obligated to be on my side. I was fucking it all up. I wasn’t happy anymore in it… you guys weren’t happy anymore with me in it. My solo music started to take off, everything was screaming at me to get out. So I did.”

“I didn’t mean for everything to go downhill so fast. I didn’t want you guys to find out the way you found out. But life has a fucked up way of playing out for you-”

“That doesn’t answer shit Camila. So basically you’re new skit is, you left the group for our happiness? My god you are full of so much shit,” Lauren laughed humorlessly as she stood up. “You left because you’re a selfish self absorbed idiotic fucking cunt who cared more about fame than the actual fucking gr-”

“I left because I was in love with you! Okay, I fucking left because I was in love with you Lauren!”

Everything went silent, Lauren stopped, Camila stopped, the girls who were eavesdropping behind the curtain even stopped. The atmosphere suddenly felt thick and heart to breathe in. Lauren sat back down and stared at Camila in disbelief.

Camila gulped harshly as the tears started to come, “I couldn’t take it anymore Lauren. I couldn’t. I couldn’t take knowing every fucking day you hated me, our friendship would never ever be the same. I could handle you not feeling the same, I could handle keeping it a secret forever. But I couldn’t handle knowing you hated me so fucking much. I couldn’t handle it. When you came out, and I was a complete bitch to you about it, it was like everything got worse. Your hate for me grew, everything was just a mess. Imagine… being head over heels in love with someone who hates you more than life itself but you have to work with them every fucking day. Imagine it.”

“I wasn’t fucking happy. I was sad, everyday, every night. My life was just sadness. And I hated that, because I loved what we did so fucking much. I loved making music with my best friends. I loved the fans. I loved everyone and everything. So basically feeling trapped and miserable was the worst thing ever for me. I’m sorry Lauren, I’m sorry for everything. I’m sorry for not being there when you needed me as a friend, I’m sorry for putting a stupid solo career before our friendship, I’m sorry for putting anyone and everyone before you. My intentions were never to hurt you. You’ve always been one of my closest friends and to watch you grow such an intense amount of hate for me killed me. I wanted out, I needed out.”

She finished with a face full of tears and a shocked and frozen Lauren just staring back at her. Neither women knew what to say as the tension got thicker and thicker.

All Camila could think about was how she possibly fucked things up the most in this moment and there was no ever going back.

***

a/n: wow i actually cried writing this last part. damn. lol, im so sorry i did not edit. im really tired and im about to go out with friends for my birthday but i hope you enjoyed this over due chapter. i love you lots and thanks so much for reading.

to my tumblr readers, make sure to check out my wattpad @wthbello for faster updates and overall better reading format lmao. thanks so much for reading as well.

have an amazing night/day/afternoon, etc. wherever you are. make sure to always be kind to yourselves and always love yourselves because if you don’t, i can assure you no one else will. no one can love you better than you can love you. with that being said, i hope you enjoyed this chapter lmao.

ellianna (elli), xxxxxxxxxxxx

[fourteenacross]

so, like, i know youre a busy person, but if you get time, could you write martha manning meeting the squad and maybe molly??? -Myah

At some vague point in the future, the gang is going to a conference in the UK where they’ll meet Martha and her girlfriend (and John’s ex and his fiancée), but that’s not for awhile yet.

In the meantime, here’s some other stuff.

*

“Look,” the boy on the other end of the phone says, “I wasn’t saying that was gonna keep me from doing it, just pointing out a fact.”

Martha bites back a smile. “Alex?”

“Oh, yeah, sorry, hi,” he says. “Martha. Mattie. Can I call you Mattie? John always calls you Mattie. Or–John calls you Mattie when he’s not thinking about it. When he’s consciously starting a story about you he always goes, ‘My friend Martha,’ like this is the first time he’s mentioning you. Or–I guess also he’s making sure I’m not mixing you up with his sister? But. Anyway. Hi?”

“I really thought he was exaggerating how fast you talk,” she says. “It’s almost all he’s said about you, really. Normally I can’t get him to stop talking about his men, but he’s coy about you.” She stretches out on the settee--she can hear Jo banging around in the kitchen, impatient to go out and meet the rest of their friends.

Across the ocean, John’s Alexander is quiet for a moment. She’s rather sure this is an uncommon occurrence. “Really?”

“That’s how I knew how much he liked you,” she says. “He answered all of five questions before changing the subject to badger me about my love life. All I got is a picture and the fact that you’re loud and obnoxious and passionate and mean in all the same ways he is, but also very sweet.” 

“’Sweet?’”

“And he got all flushed and stammer-y when he said it. Believe me, I’ve comforted John through quite the parade of terrible boyfriends. He likes you.”

“I know,” Alex says. She can hear the smile in his voice, the tremor of happiness. “I love him a lot. Like...a lot. Like....”

“A lot?” she suggests.

He snorts. “That’s proof, okay? That’s solid proof of how much I love him: he’s literally the only thing in the fucking world that can leave me speechless. I wrote a fucking essay about the hurricane that destroyed the town I grew up in, I filled an angsty tween journal with my pain when my mom died, every new exciting discovery in my field gets thousands of words of dissection, but then this stupid, beautiful asshole steps in front of me and--bam! All I can do is stare and babble and make like...vague hand gestures.”

Martha knows from stammering and vague hand gestures. She glances, unconsciously, at the kitchen again. Jo is standing on a chair to rifle through a high cabinet, scowling with determination. Martha’s heart aches.

“So,” she says, pushing through her own troubles. “Tell me about you! Like I said, Johnny was vague and secretive.” He’s told her a little more than she’s letting on, but those conversations feel more private, for some reason. mattie i’m so fucking scared of how much i love him ive only known him for like a month and a half i think Im gonna throw up.

“Uh, I’m twenty-one. I’m in the same program as John. I’m an immigrant from a tiny island in the Caribbean that you’ve probably never heard of. You’ve seen pictures, so you know what I look like. I’m pretty smart. I think John has shitty taste in beer and I don’t know how he can stand to put those dumb sci-fi movies on when he’s working. Um, my favorite color is green?”

“Favorite novel?” she asks.

“Uh, To Kill a Mockingbird. Or maybe White Teeth? Or Oscar Wao? This is a hard question. Uh, John gave me The Doomsday Book, but I haven’t read it yet. He also gave me Guards! Guards! and told me if I don’t at least appreciate it, he has to break up with me, so I’ve been putting it off, to be honest.”

“Ugh, of course John wants you to start with Guards, he’s obsessed with Vimes. Ignore him, if you’ve never read any Pratchett, start with Equal Rites.”

“No, tell him to start with The Amazing Maurice!” Jo yells from the kitchen. “I mean--I’m not eavesdropping!”

“I barely followed any of that,” Alex says. “Is there someone else there?”

“Yeah,” Martha says, “my friend Jo is waiting for me to finish up so we can go meet some people. But she’s fine waiting until I’m done with you.”

“To a point!” Jo shouts, but she’s found whatever it was she was looking for in the top cabinet and seems distracted again.

“Anyway,” Martha continues, “favorite film?”

“I don’t know if I have one? I didn’t go to the movies a lot as a kid. Maybe...um--I feel like this is a test.”

“It is, to a certain degree,” Martha says. “Okay, we’ll let you pass on that one. Are you a big partier?”

“I like people, I like socializing. I don’t know that I like partying. We go out to the bar on Fridays and have a pretty good time. Sometimes we go dancing. As long as it doesn’t interfere with my work--I’m kind of a workaholic, but, you know. I make time for my friends. I make time for John. You know we’re already dating, right? And like...living together. And while I understand you’re close, I’m pretty sure he’s not gonna dump me if I don’t pass your test. Not that I wouldn’t get lost of he did dump me. I mean, unless he was doing one of those dumb self-sacrificing things he does when he’s depressed.”

And there’s the heart of it. He’s clearly seen what John can be like when he’s down and he’s still here and he’s pledging to stay through those times. That’s all Martha can really ask for. She’s an ocean away, he’s pushed away his family, and he’s all alone somewhere new. She needs to know there’s someone on his side. She needs to know that someone is taking care of him when he’s too bloody stubborn to take care of himself.

“Well, it’s fine because you’ve passed,” she tells him. “Your prize is taking care of Johnny when he’s being a pill.”

“That’s kind of a lousy prize, seeing as how I’m already doing it. But I also get him when he’s brilliant and excited, so I guess it evens out.”

“Brilliant,” Martha repeats. Her smile is downright giddy as she thinks back to all of the idiots John’s dated for the past five years.

“So brilliant,” Alex says. “And just--passionate. Brilliant and passionate and thoughtful and dedicated and...and...just...fucking radiant. He’s just--this is what I was saying, this is what I was telling you, I don’t have words, okay?”

“Okay,” Martha says, still smiling. “Well, it’s been lovely chatting with you, Alex, but I think my friend is going to disassemble my kitchen if we don’t leave for the pub soon.”

“Yeah, John should be done soon, I can hear him bitching at the doctor from here. Just one last thing--’Johnny?’”

“Did he tell you he covered for me when we were fifteen and pretended to be my boyfriend for a family visit?”

“No...”

Jo is tapping her foot impatiently by the door. They’re not even late yet, but that’s Jo--insufferable when she’s bored. Martha would strangle her if she wasn’t so pathetically smitten.

“Very quickly, then--my mother and grandmother were trying to set me up with an eligible boy back home. This was before I had even really admitted to myself that I was gay. So, while I was on the phone with them, panicked, John told me to tell them I already had a boyfriend, which I did, and then when they asked who it was and I panicked more, bless him, he pointed at himself and I told them it was him. Then, of course, when they came to visit for a family week a month or two later, we had to actually pretend to be together. Johnny was out to everyone, so there was a lot of bribery going on that week to keep other students quiet, and he was so very awkward, so everything was over the top.” Alex laughs and so does Jo, who’s leaning forward against the side of the couch to listen, now. “I called him ‘Johnny’ in this treacly voice and even after my parents went back to London, it stuck. It was a lifesaver, really--he even fell on his sword and kissed me a few times, which is what really confirmed my lesbianism. You don’t have a boy like that kissing you and feel vaguely disgusted if you’re even the least bit heterosexual.”

Alex laughs again. “Don’t I know it.”

“So, very long story short, he hated Johnny and declared that only ex-girlfriends get to call him that when Francis and some of our other friends started picking it up, which limits its usage to me.”

“Good to know,” Alex says. Then, “Hey, baby, you good to go?”

“I’ve got a script to fill, but fuck that, the ER visit’s gonna cost me enough as it is.” That’s John, unmistakably, and Martha misses him terribly all at once. 

“Don’t be an asshole.”

“It’s just pain stuff. It’s basically extra strength Advil, I’ll be fine without it.”

“Yeah, whatever, don’t think I’m not gonna call Mrs. W and get her opinion, because--”

“--are you on my phone?”

“Um.”

And then grunts and grappling and muttered curses and then, panicked, “Shit, Mattie?! How long have you been talking to him? What have you told him about me? What the fuck?”

“I’m sorry, darling, Jo and I are late for drinks,” Martha says, grinning. “We can make up our FaceTime date tomorrow, yeah?”

“Mattie, I swear to fucking god--”

“I love you, Johnny!”

He’s still cursing when she hangs up. Jo’s staring at her, one-eyebrow raised, which gives her one last pang of missing John, who shares that genetic quirk.

“Does he get to give your girlfriends the same interrogation?” Jo asks.

“Well, I’ve not dated anyone seriously enough to find out, yet,” Martha says, grabbing her bag and shoving her mobile into the middle pocket. 

“I’m sure you will soon,” Jo says, squeezing her arm and leading the way out of the flat and down to the street.

“I’m sure I will,” Martha mutters glumly, watching Jo leave for one long, miserable second before she grabs her coat and follows.

[insarations]

Here’s this survey thing

1) Put your iTunes on shuffle. Give me the first 6 songs that pop up. dont use itunes anymore so spotify but same thing...santeria by sublime. she likes girls by metro station. different people by no doubt. we can make love by SoMo. when the end comes by andrew belle. my humps by tbep XD

2) If you could meet anyone on this earth, who would it be? Gwen Stefani, no doubt ;) :D

3) Grab the book nearest to you, turn to page 23, give me line 17. "yeah" he said. The light turned green. I braced myself.

4) What do you think about most? um well it depends on the day and time and what not but I guess lately just a certain person. and also about traveling and where I wanna go.

5) Ever had a poem or song written about you? yes both

6) Do you have any strange phobias? eh not really strange..theyre all pretty common

7) What's your religion? Christian/non-denom

8) If you are outside, what are you most likely doing? walking to the car or inside XD

9) Simple but extremely complex. Favorite band? No Doubt

10) What was the last lie you told? hmm honestly i'm not sure. I'm not really the lying type

11) Do you believe in karma? ehh... in a sense but idk

12) What does your URL mean? um well its part of my middle name... play on the word daydreams...cause i daydream alot lol

13) What is your greatest weakness; your greatest strength? i hate that question lol

14) Who is your celebrity crush? it changes alot but currently Anna Kendrick

15) How do you vent your anger? depends. lately I workout. but sometimes I draw or paint or listen to music or just sleep really. sometimes i just reblog things on tumblr or write something

16) Do you have a collection of anything? um kinda... vans, i used to have a lot more cause I worked there but i guess i dont really anymore. books and dvds. um hmm...i feel like i used to collect something else but cant think of it

17) Are you happy with the person you've become? for the most part, yes. theres always room for improvement :)

18) What's a sound you hate; sound you love? hate-utensils scratching on a plate. love-my cats purring

19) What's your biggest "what if"? ugh, stop.

20) Do you believe in ghosts? How about aliens? yes to both...but probably in different sorts of ways than most people believe in them.

21) Stick your right arm out; what do you touch first? Do the same with your left arm. right-beanbag chair. left-box of cheezits

22) Smell the air. What do you smell? the macncheese i just ate

23) What's the worst place you have ever been to? hmm good question... idk really. i've enjoyed pretty much all the places ive traveled to

24) Most attractive singer/s of your opposite gender? uh hmm no one comes to mind atm haha. im too gay i suppose XD but i guess ill say zayn

25) To you, what is the meaning of life? please dont get me started. i could write an essay

26) Do you drive? If so, have you ever crashed? well yes i drive but dont have my license... never crashed.

27) What was the last movie you saw? Pitch Perfect 3!!!! so amazing

28) What's the worst injury you've ever had? when I broke both arms at once

29) Do you have any obsessions right now? its something new all the time really im always obsessing haha i guess anna kendrick

30) Ever had a rumor spread about you? ugh yes

31) Do you tend to hold grudges against people who have done you wrong? not usually..it depends. a lot of times its not even a grudge..i forgive easy but bitter feelings stay a while in certain instances

32) What is your astrological sign? aquarius

33) What's the last thing you purchased? a movie ticket

34) Love or lust? L.O.V.E.

35) In a relationship? nope

36) How many relationships have you had? 4...and a 1/2 XD long story

37) What is your secret weapon to get someone to like you? um just be myself..not really a weapon lol

38) Where is your best friend? i dont even know who that is anymore :/

39) What were you doing last night at 12 AM? sleeping

40) Are you the kind of friend you would want to have as a friend? yes i think so..id probably annoy myself at somepoint. hell i already do lol but im alright XD

41) You are walking down the street on your way to work. There is a dog drowning in the canal on the side of the street. Your boss has told you if you are late one more time you get fired. What do you do? stop, help the dog. animals are just as important as people. if someone cant understand that oh well. i cant always find another job. but animals are life.

42) You are at the doctor’s office and she has just informed you that you have approximately one month to live. a) Do you tell anyone/everyone you are going to die? probably those most important to me b) What do you do with your remaining days? quit work. go traveling. spend time with my favorite people and my animals and eat a whole hell of a lot lol c) Would you be afraid? maybe a tad at first but i'm not too afraid of dying, I know i'd be with God and away from the pain of this world. i'd moreso be a little afraid of the pain i might possibly have while still alive

43) What's a song that always makes you happy when you hear it? hollback girl :D

44) In your opinion, what makes a great relationship? so many things but just... two people that love each other that click and mesh and would do anything for each other and just make each other happy and take care of each other... alot of things i suppose though.

45) How can I win your heart? hmm. just be yourself. be respectful. be sweet. be funny..even if in your own dorky awkward way. be kind and thoughtful. put me first just as much as i put you first. just be genuine and real and true and never lie to me. just, be real.

46) Can insanity bring on more creativity? oh yes

47) What is the single best decision you have made in your life so far? hmm damn what a question. honestly.... I really don't know the answer to that. not that i havent made good decisions. but... idk what was the best. gotta think on that.

48) What would you want to be written on your tombstone? hmm ive never thought about it lol honestly when i'm gone...do whatever the hell you want haha but i guess if i had to choose..something about my kindness or uniqueness ? idk i try to be kind and different lol

49) Give me the first thing that comes to mind when you hear the word "heart." cant say right now

50) Basic question; what's your favorite color/colors? purple, black, silver, blue

51) What is your current desktop picture? its just black no picture not sure why i havent changed it

52) If you could press a button and make anyone in the world instantaneously explode, who would it be? thats horrible. honestly i wouldnt do that to anyone..even the people i dislike most. well actually, maybe donald trump XD but no still even then i dont think i could do it even though i'm sure itd make america great again XD

53) What would be a question you'd be afraid to tell the truth on? hmm honestly idk im a very honest person

54) You accidentally eat some radioactive vegetables. They were good, and what's even cooler is that they endow you with the super-power of your choice! What is that power? those are too many words you couldnt just ask me what superpower i want?? XD so now i'm gonna be a bitch and not answer

55) You can re-live any point of time in your life. The time-span can only be a half-hour, though. What half-hour of your past would you like to experience again? um. its between two. both of which involve time with someone important..cant choose which

56) You can erase any horrible experience from your past. What will it be? losing people that were important to me

57) You have the opportunity to sleep with the music-celebrity of your choice. Who would it be? hmm i guess if i had to choose right this second... anna kendrick.. pretty sure ive mentioned her like a hundred times in this survey

58) You just got a free plane ticket to anywhere. You have to depart right now. Where are you gonna go? right now ummm...boston

59) Ever been on a plane? many times

60) Give me your top 5 hottest celebrities. Anna Kendrick. Channing Tatum. Jennifer Lawrence. Nicole da Silva. michelle rodriguez