#but im going home for like a week for thanksgiving so i guess when i come back i'll probably be able to smell any lingering grossness lol

[thelaststarfalling]

SOMETHING in my apartment smells BAD but i cannot tell WHAT

[itsrlymine]

hi again it's 🧷!

the last 24 hours have been a whirlwind. i laughed. i cried. i peed myself. but im a person who likes a little journey. i've been affirming my ass off bc that's what works for me and i'm already feeling so much more control and better about myself. so thank u for the reality check.

also i have some successes....

yesterday, i thought i had a uti bc a girl keeps drinking apple cider cocktails i fear. it's just too good and it’s the holidays. 😫😭 but i kept telling myself i don't have one bc no way am i dealing with antibiotics (and no me time) for 2 weeks. and when i went to urgent care bc i still was a bit anxious in the 3D yk how it is. but guess WHAT. I WAS NEGATIVE 🤩. so that was cool. and they gave me stickers even though im like 20 which was very sweet LOL.

also today, i manifested that the type of pasta i needed for thanksgiving wasn't gone. bc if ur on tiktok and you've seen tini's mac and cheese recipe. the stores r sold OUT of cellentani shaped pasta... and i live in a big city.... so i made my sister go out and get 2 boxes on her way home from her rural ass college and she texts me like "hey you'll never believe this there were 2 boxes left all the way at the back of the shelf where no one would see them" and i was like😮‼️

but omg i'm like. wow!!! yay!!! all it took was a decision!!! i'm still learning to trust myself but i'm never turning back again. i'm embracing my title as queen god boss bitch of reality, and that even when i have off days it doesn’t mean bad things bc shit always works in my favor no matter what!!

All it takes is a decision!!!!! Yes babe like wtf lke this is so easy for you bc it is you!!! I love these successes of yours babe. You better keep drinking them apple cider cocktails. Lemme get one rq actually.

Health, appearance, food, getting people to do what you want.... All these "types" of manifestations are easy bc they are all the same!! There is only one way to get what you want and that is by accepting you have it. period.

This is amazing and I'm so proud of you babe!!!

[am-i-the-asshole-official]

AITA for telling my brother his wife is using him?

This may be long but I want to make sure there is enough info for you to give an accurate judgment. TLDR at the end but I encourage reading the full post

I (25f) have an older brother, J (28m). I also have a younger brother (22m), L. J and I were always close when we were younger then grew apart as we got older, the boys always were close. The year J graduated high school we became close again.

J met his gf A (29-31f, I dont even know how old she is but she's older then J) during college. I remember the first time A came home with him, and she was very sweet but very nervous. We clicked and had a good conversation that lasted hours (we all were at our parents house and us girls had to share a room and the boys did too). Anytime there were holidays we stayed at our parents and did this (big holidays that colleges had off like Christmas and Thanksgiving)

We met up a couple of times and all was fine. It was hard as they lived far away from where we grew up (2-4 hours depending on traffic and routes). Then I moved to the country, about 20 minutes away from them. We met up more often, but only maybe about once every 3 months. No big deal, I was busy working. Then J and A got engaged and it felt like everything changed.

I would invite them to hang out or get dinner, but J and A would make excuses. J would be like "A can't come so we won't make it" even when I said "okay but what if only you came? You're my brother?" He would make excuses. The days they agreed to meet up, suddenly day of couldn't go. He was tired after work, she wasn't feeling good, the car wasn't working. Anything and everything you could think of. I did notice whenever L came to visit me and stay, J and A would always be available to meet up, even if it was last minute.

So I figured...it somehow must be me? And then they got married. And it was beautiful.

Or so im told as it was a private ceremony and I wasn't invited :) I actually was originally told the date, which I asked off of work for, but then I got a text a week prior saying "guess what happened tonight" and then was told they got married. L was there. Our parents and myself were not. A did tell me she didn't feel right inviting our parents if her parents weren't there...but why not me? I was told it was a private ceremony and only L was there as a witness, but one of their friend's posted pictures and it had over 5 different people in them

I tried to let it go but honestly it hurt me and pissed me off and everything kept adding onto it. I have zero clue what the hell i did. I have texted J and asked him point blank if he is mad at me, he would deny. I asked for A's number cause he mentioned she was lonely and had lost friends, I said we could go get our nails done since that's something she likes (I dont but I figured I'd extend an olive branch) he refused to give it to me. It seems its me but again I have zero clue why.

It worsened after me and J got into an argument. They canceled again, and I do know A was having a bought of depression at this time. I understood, as someone diagnosed with depression and anxiety. But J told me I never would understand (A was still going out to places and hanging out with friends, meanwhile there were days I couldn't get out of bed and called into work sick. I know we shouldn't compare mental illness but it seemed like an excuse to me. A also would do things that she has said makes her mental health worse, like reading and watching things that triggers her). The whole reason I wanted to hang out is because I had Christmas gifts from our parents and a few of our childhood friends for them (L was out of the country at this time and had mailed a gift to them). They kept bailing and I tried for TWO MONTHS, I finally delivered the items the week after Valentines.

One of our friends was a baker and TOLD THEM she baked them a cake, special for them because A has dietary restrictions due to a chronic disease. They knew this and it spoiled. So I was upset for my friend, and I lied and said they got it to save her the hurt.

But when J finally told me to drop off the items I blew up at him. We stood outside his house and yelled at each other. He flat out told me to stop being so emotional and that I was letting hormones get in the way of thinking, and that I should understand A being depressed. I did! I yelled at him he should get his head out of his ass and that he is letting down not just me but our friends, especially the baker who has a waitlist and made stuff SPECIAL for them. He didn't thank me for my gift, but texted each individual person for theirs.

That was in 2022. A month after I apologized and he said he forgave me. But nothing has changed. Since then they didn't wish me happy birthday (they called L on his, he is now living with me temporarily, but when I pointed out I didn't get a happy birthday from anyone *literally only one friend wished me a happy birthday and L, even my own parents forgot* A told me I needed to get over myself and that birthdays weren't that important to them so I shouldn't take any offense. I didnt expect them to wish me a happy birthday this year because of that, but my true friends and my parents did remember this year),. They didn't come to my college graduation. I stopped texting J and I hadn't heard a response since. We did see each other this past Christmas coincidentally, not planned as they didn't come to our parents. J was pleasant, A said nothing but watched me the whole time, and I made excuses to leave this Christmas party as I didnt even know they knew the person throwing the party.

I came home early from work this past week and J was visiting L (something J claims he can't do during weekdays cause he works 9-5 during the week...allegedly). J gave me a hug and we all chatted for about an hour, it felt like old times, but then his wife called. It was a smooth conversation then I got brought up, and suddenly A needed J back home immediately. He bailed on dinner plans he and L had (L had spent all day cooking a roast, it was delicious btw and yes L was upset J didn't stay).

I had enough. I called J during his "work hours" on his cell. J answered and I chewed him out. I said our brother was hurt and whatever the issue with me is HAS to stop. If he doesn't tell me whats wrong, I CANT fix it. J told me there was nothing wrong with me and I was reading too into it. I pointed out some of the same instances I listed and he told me I was reading into it. He then accidentally let slip that A didn't want us talking. Which I figured. I blew up and told him A was using him. A was turning him against me and our parents *i am too lazy to go back but he stopped talking to our parents the same time he stopped talking to me but he always talked to L*. I mentioned how she is an adult and if she has an issue with me she needs to tell me, but instead she's a fucking coward. J yelled at me that she has anxiety and I yelled back "bitch I do too! I'm on fucking meds for it" which i know she isnt. J hung up on me.

Not only is everything above an issue, A also: doesn't have a job and only J has the income. Claims its because of her illness, the one that causes dietary restrictions, yet EATS said things even though she knows makes her sick. She won't let J meet up with our childhood friends. A also has stsrted getting J to take edibles with her. If J is tested, it will get him fired from his job. But then she complains he's being a loser if he doesn't do edibles with her.

The kicker is this: A solely used to date women. J is NOT a woman, nor does he want to identify as one. J knows A used to date women, and again tells me I should be more considerate seeing as how I am openly bisexual. However, and I havent told J this, one of the conversations I did have with A after they got married, she told me TO MY FACE "yeah, I never imagined marrying a guy yet here I am." Laughed and I kind of was like oh haha, isnt it crazy how things work out, to which she said "I dont even like men!" Slapped my thigh laughing and continued laughing. I was bewildered and when J had returned and asked what we were talking about we both changed the subject.

I did tell L when that happened and he thought it was weird but we couldn't change anything as they were married. I dont know if I should tell J.

But really I do feel as though A is using J, but now im wondering if I should lay it out more clearly WHY. Or if I should stay out of it. They already seem to hate me, so part of me is like why not go for it. But L is talking me off that bridge (my therapist is also testing me for something that isnt solely anxiety and depression) . I know J is hurt as he told L such, and part of me feels bad I yelled, but also the rest of me wants to key his fucking car and tell him to shove it up his ass and ban him from seeing L at my house as it is MY house even though L is living there

AITA?

TLDR: I yelled at my brother his wife is using him as she doesn't have a job, always falls back on her mental and physical illness yet does things to make them worse, and has also told me she doesn't like men (she used to exclusively date women prior to my brother).

What are these acronyms?

[borkborkheresadork]

checking in on friends, mutuals and following list, How are you? feel free to use this ask to talk about recent life happenings, something you're passionate about, or anything <33 remember I and I'm sure others care about you and your posts <33

I'll start with the good bits.

The semester is officially over for me and once i finish up work and once I go on break next week, ill have 3 weeks for break. I get to meet up with a online friend irl and spend time with my family and friends during that time so im actually very excited to go back home for so long! Also, I just gained 2 boyfriends and am in a wonderful throuple now :3. Next semester I'm taking classes that are easy but also fun and are less focus on my degree and more focused on my interest, so I'm hoping that will help with my burnout. Over the course of the semester I also got involved with a progress group up here and have been assigned to be their mutual aid coordinator!

I started writing more (nothing that will be posted to this blog) both with music and fanfic. It's nice that I'm at a place where i can (mostly) freely write my ideas.

There's a lot of bad bits, though.

So I've come to the very difficult decision of cutting off my mom. After break i'm going to get a bank account separate from hers and cut contact. There was a bit where we were both communicating well, but I got into a fight with her after she tried to guilt trip me into calling her on thanksgiving (I wasn't talking to her outside of documented forms of communication since she is a habitual gaslighter and likes to say she didn't say things when she very obviously did, and I like to have my receipts when I call her out). After idk maybe like 10 years or something she finally admitted I'm on the spectrum but only because it was convenient to aid in her argument of 'you never understand me and thats clearly because you're autistic and not because im in the middle of a manic episode and i'm not being rational'. So that will be fun to deal with, especially since I'm worried for her safety if I do cut contact, being her only child and her telling me pretty consistantly throughout my life that im her only reason to live. Scary stuff, but necessary for me to stop holding on to that guilt and working through a lot of trauma.

I finished my semester withdrawing from 3 classes and likely failing another, and feeling burnt out to keep going. I need to go to college for a lot of reasons (degree required for the job I want, first gen student/family pressure), but im considering taking it at a considerably slower pace.

I just got on testosterone but thanks to an insurance complication I might have to go without it for a bit. I was previously getting it through my school, but I just got on state insurance and that fucked with my access to it. The good news is that i will likely have a lower co-pay, the bad is that I'll probably have to wait another month to get back on it. One step forward one step back.

The person I thought to be my best friend dropped me out of the blue, which sucks on its own, but the fact that it's been a consistent pattern of people in my life ghosting/dropping me with very little reasoning or with one's ive not found to be true just sucks. I think I'm a loving person in my own way, and the fact that I was called selfish when I A) show a lot of affection towards my friends and B) know my own boundaries when it comes to my relationships with them, it makes me upset. The other person wasn't entirely at fault, I did handle the situation kind of poorly, but I also contributed more to that friendship then that person ever did. I bought food. I made the plans. I hosted. And I thought when the argument that broke us up happened, we just needed space from each other. I guess that wasn't the case and it's sad that the person couldn't communicate their needs earlier so we could have resolved the situation. That being said, on a less neutral perspective. Fuck him. He claimed to be loving and whimsical and had no patience for anyone. Everything pissed him off and he didn't cope in healthy ways and when I tried to help him he didn't take it. He was uncommunicative and disrespectful of other people's boundaries and expectations for friendship. I wish him the best with the realizations he's going to have later in life.

Even though I'm excited for family during the holidays, my dad is coming to town and I'll have to navigate them with him. I stay with my grandmother during breaks, so I'll have to look for another place to stay while he's in town and crashing with her. I feel a little ostracized knowing that they'll accept a bigoted abuser into their homes and make me wait upstairs until he's gone.

Then there's everything else. I live in a country that refuses to care about it's people. I'm one person dealing with a world full of struggles. Those previous things are nothing compared to what's to come, and I'm shocked that I'm rethinking my morals to live and feel safe. I'm a trans guy fresh on T, who, for years thought guns needed to be restricted, and i plan on strapping up over the break. Everything feels broken and I've been dealing with a lot of suicidality since probably late september or october. The horrors are persisting and I don't have much silly in response. I can't even scrape by with my job. And my physical health is catching up making things worse. I don't think I've thrown up this much since I was getting bullied in elementary school. So, uh, yeah.

Not to e-beg, but if you've read this and wanna help me out my venmo is in my bio. I don't have the energy to link anything rn but there's that.

Thanks for letting me rant o7

[blairwitchh]

Ok this is gonna be a long ass rant and maybe im just a jerk but idk what else to do it feels like I lost my sister and I just hope it won't be like this forever

My older sister (31) just had her first baby with her husband (32). The baby was 4 weeks early so the birth was not easy and I feel horrible that she can't take him home from the NICU yet.

Since the baby was born I feel like she died. Her and her husband are always together. Understandable they just had a whole baby! But its kinda scaring me. They've been home from the hospital for 4 days and all they do is go to the hospital and sleep. They talk about how horrible it was because they were at the hospital all day and hadn't eaten or drank anything in 8 hours because they were just waiting around for the baby to be moved. It's inconceivable for one of them to leave the other to go to the cafeteria or go out and grab food while the other stays there. She was upset because they moved him to a non private room in the NICU cause he was showing so much improvement. They stopped by our thanksgiving get together today for about 5 mins just to grab food, did not give a fuck about saying hi or anything. Which I guess fair like theyre on baby mode. Just kinda sucked. They were complaining that she can't pump or get skin to skin time in the shared room. I asked if that was a rule and she said no, I just don't want to.

The husband has terrible ADHD, often used as an excuse for his lack of planning and competence. How he let his wife who just gave birth go 8 hours without a solid meal or drinking anything is wild. He was looking for his lost vows 15 minutes before thier wedding ceremony if that explains anything.

As she was in labor for 3 days we barely got any updates via text from him because he was just "too busy". I'm talking simple not detailed health updates. This whole process has felt so detached and I've been kept so out of the loop which sucks cause I love and care about my sister and want to know she's ok.

Also my mom went to visit. And our mom can he a bit much and annoying. My sisters feet were so swollen she was trying to grab a pillow to get them above chest level and I guess she grabbed one behind my sister that she was using and my sisters husband got annoyed. Stood up and physically grabbed the pillow from my mom while lowkey treating to kick her out. And my sister did nothing. So I texted her about it and she called and I was really happy I would be able to talk about it. Her husband was also on the phone 🙃.

The baby is healthy and almost out of the NICU. Im so excited my sister has a kid and i hope I can be of help or whatever she needs on her motherhood journey. But it just feels like she couldn't give a fuck unless it's coming from her husband which is understandable ofc but it's just totally not her style and kinda came out of left field.

He has a child from a previous relationship who my sister has known since she was 2 and is her bonus mom. She hasn't stayed at their house in weeks they just let her stay at her mom's who is very chaotic and unpredictable and honestly unsafe as a parent they just had to have exterminators get rid of roaches over there this week. But my sister and her husband really don't care. Even though they're living at home and could have her stay at our mom's when they go visit the baby in the hospital. It just seems like very immature codependent behavior.

Having a baby is a huge visceral and life changing experience. I was always super close with my sister growing up. We were best friends. Ever since she met this guy, dated him, married him, it's felt like she only has capacity for one friend and that's him. And doublely so now that the baby is here. I just love her and wish I could help her with some of this too. But maybe I'm just a sensitive baby myself

[claudiajcregg]

20 Questions for Fic Writers

Tagged by both @mihrsuri and @unseenacademic 💜💜💜 Thank you so much! I actually wrote up most of the answers the day I was tagged, and then forgot to post them. For over 10 days, probably. Me bad.

1. How many works do you have on Ao3? 23! (One of them is a 'collection' of short ficlets, and has 6 chapters. So 28 stories in 23 works so far. Probably about to be more stories in still 23 works.)

2. What's your total Ao3 word count? 156,597 words. For now.

3. What fandoms do you write for? Currently? Just TWW. Who knows in the future!

4. What are your top five fics by kudos?

They have about 35% of my total kudos, but the first two are ~21% alone. (The first one is the only fic that has over 100 kudos. Then again, any of them getting above 30 is a miracle.)

maybe everything's just turning out how it should be (Big Block of Cheese 2008; CJ & Josh. Posted Feb 2021) [121]

say it's here where our pieces fall in place (Vignettes, 1998-2008. Posted Jan 2022.) [66]

just your smile lit a sixty-watt bulb in my house that was darkened for days (Thanksgiving 2006. Posted Dec 2022.) [55]

nobody knows how to get back home (Missing scene from ITSOTG. Posted April 2023) (wait what. top 4?!) [50]

we could be the way forward and I know I'll pay for it (B4A Campaign Fic, spring 1998. Posted May 2021) [47]

5. Do you respond to comments?

YES. I don't take them for granted, and I like interacting with my readers. Sharing is nerve-wracking and makes me feel so exposed, so any comment makes it worth it. I like to thank peeps for their time! As of late, it's taking me weeks to get back to comments for Brain/spoons reasons (and because I try to do so in order, though not always). I sometimes feel bad I have fallen behind on leaving my own comments, so replying to what I get makes me feel bad. I love getting the rare, long, thoughtful comments, because I love seeing what people pick up on (had to restrain myself from commenting on everything), so if that one's up next… It'll delay everything. I have a harder time letting go of those.

I know replying or not is a hot topic, and I fall on the side of 'whatever the author does is fine' (I see them as being voluntary gifts to the author, kinda, but I understand why some authors can't or won't reply! Especially those who get dozens.). It does feel weird(ly demoralizing) when you see that yours is one of a couple of comments they haven't replied to, though. (Selfishly, as someone who tries to write medium-long comments, lack of anything can sting. It's irrational, it's not what I'm after, but it'd be nice to know whether that hour plus of my time was worth it. It's not transactional and I hate that c4c idea or whatever. Just. weird feelings.)

6. What is the fic you wrote with the angstiest ending?

As we've established in previous similar memes (lol, I think I've answered these questions before), my fics don't really have angsty endings! For the most part. I think I said don't want you to go but I'll be okay then, and I can still buy that/definitely popped into my brain. I think some of my late S7 fics have an ominous feel to them, with some references/buildup to the angsty parts of IM, but I wouldn't call them angsty endings.

7. What's the fic you wrote with the happiest ending?

Um. The opposite is true! still you never took your hand from mine was my first thought, but I feel like oh, and I will be with you to feel the California sun is pretty darn happy. I could have picked almost any of them and I could make a case for them!

8. Do you get hate on fics?

I luckily do not. I have gotten a couple of comments that have messed with my brain, and made me second-guess things, but they were not hate.

9. Do you write smut? If so, what kind?

Yes, but not regularly and not that well. It's usually short, mild scenes at most, but I did challenge myself to write a more explicit one last summer, especially after I got those 'one bed' tropes in the Wheel but didn't go there in the 500-word limit. Streets say it's hot. IDK. I also wrote a smutty continuation to the exchange fic. Best if we forget parts of that one happened. I also started writing one that would be in my S5 pregnancy universe but 🤐

10. Do you write crossovers? What's the craziest one you've written?

I don't. But this question confirms to me I have answered this before because I know I've joked about how TV has already done that for me, lmao. See: Bones/Sleepy Hollow.

11. Have you ever had a fic stolen? (I had to track down this question because it wasn't anywhere.) I don't think so!

12. Have you ever had a fic translated?

Nope! I'm having déjà vu here. I know I have answered this before: I could do it myself! But I have a feeling it wouldn't be as easy as one might think, but I'd be honored.

13. Have you ever co-written a fic before?

I don't think so…? If I have, it was years ago, in my forum/LJ days. I've been trying to make it happen for a while now, but who knows if it'll ever happen. WE HAVE IDEAS. We want to make it happen. (Wink wink, nudge nudge. You know who.)

14. What’s your all-time favorite ship?

Spaceships are so cool. Atlantis was the first space shuttle I saw in person (and also the one I've seen the most) and it and its exhibit are awesome. I'm only missing Discovery out of the four space shuttles, because I didn't go to the second National Air and Space Museum location in Virginia back in 2015. And once the new exhibit center is completed, I'd love to see Endeavour again.

(In all seriousness, I don't have one. Booth and Brennan will forever and always hold a special place in my heart, but I love CJ and Danny so much, writing for them, their journey. Pls don't make me pick.)

15. What’s a WIP you want to finish but doubt you ever will?

I am a big 'never say never' person, because I end up picking stuff up (and maybe rewriting it to fit my current style/ability) if I remember an idea… But I'm guessing many of them won't get finished. Probably some of those that are deep in my notes app or on the drive.

16. What are your writing strengths? I (try to) dig into the emotion of a scene as best as I can.

17. What are your writing weaknesses? Everything else? I know it sounds like an excuse (at least to my ears), but writing in your second language is hard. I know my writing sounds limited because of it – my descriptions will never be as evocative as I wish they were, my dialogue won't be there. I am not the most imaginative person, either.

18. Thoughts on writing dialogue in another language in fic?

If it makes sense, and won't take the reader out of the story, go for it! (A few words, or a line or two, might work if there's appropriate context.)

But also, as a non-native speaker, I'll always recommend using pals who might be fluent in that language and checking with them! I know that, throughout my many years in fandom, I've read quick things in Spanish within English fics that weren't entirely correct in the context they were being used (i.e. character's fluency, smaller details), and they took me out for a second. (I know, I know – pot, meet kettle. If anyone has read an unedited story of mine, they've found me making up English phrases.)

19. First fandom you wrote for? Bones. In Spanish. (I also think I wrote some ficlets in English that are probably hidden in some random LJ comm I created for my writing. They're probably 14-15 years old.)

20. Favorite fic you’ve written?

I honestly cannot pick! And maybe it's yet to come. But basically, if I've gone through the embarrassment of having someone edit/beta a fic and catch all the avoidable mistakes, it's because it genuinely has something I like about it and that I think others will like, too. (Perceived quality aside.)

Off the top of my head, and out of the posted fics (obvious recency bias, sorry). I have a story for all 23… Also, let's consider I've mostly not read them since they were posted so I might be off. (Would love to hear what everyone's favorite is, if you've read any and are reading this!) Obviously, that top 5 by kudos has great ones. There's a reason

don't want you to go but I'll be okay: I just remember finishing it and knowing it was something special. Felt like many things coming together. I wanted to write angstier, a break from the endgame of the IM AU I've yet to post, and I think it works. I had had that quote as inspo for a while, and I think the trip to Berlin put it back on my mind. (The first haunted by the notion draft is from around this time, too!)

your love is a secret I'm hoping, dreaming, dying to keep: the structure is likely a tad repetitive, maybe (but also, the point of 3+1s, sort of?) but I love writing in that s7 period, and there should be more fic with the press corps. I think the stuff I wrote while editing (which included an overhaul of the +1) is even better than what was there.

oh, and I will be with you to feel the California sun: recency bias, yes. I love a good early Cali story, and even if this was nowhere the story I sat down to write originally, I love how it turned out. It's silly but fun, and so sunny.

still you never took your hand from mine: I will always have all the soft spots for my memoir stories, even if two of them have yet to be posted. This one doubled its size a year and a half after “finishing” it because I realized what it was missing. It's sappy, probably unrealistic re: the publishing industry, but damn it if it's not one of those that have made me cry while editing them.

we could be the way forward and I know I'll pay for it: I had to include an oldie but goodie from my first year, and this one is so special to me. (Along with BBC 2008, which I also absolutely adore. That was the fic I always wanted to post. Hilarious it was third. But it's also my most popular fic by a huge margin.) Seeing it recommended on Tumblr? God. I love campaign stories and all their potential. I love that I took a random line from some unposted story and it evolved into this fic.

nobody knows how to get back home: I almost added the most recent one because of how fun it was to write (or, as I mentioned above, Big Block of Cheese) but I like how bittersweet this missing scene one is. I find CJ's internal struggle so interesting to explore, and this is one of her most vulnerable moments. I also wanted to see a hug so badly.

[dausy]

I attempted a circus elephant. Didn't quite turn out like I wanted but alls good.

I had a horrible headache since Thursday evening and its finally given way this late morning. I was over it but once it wore off I was able to do a lot of stuff. The weather was great today. I walked outside in a skirt and I was actually warm. Just a couple days ago I was layering up still. I don't think the weather will last. Last year there was a snow storm around this time of year so I'm sure its false spring. I think I do get a bit of seasonal depression. I like cozy cold of Thanksgiving and Christmas but once the holidays are gone I was hot weather now.

I purchased a jean jacket which I've never had before that I can ever remember and I purchased a couple base layer summer dresses to layer with it. I hope they don't look dumb is all. I'm ready for farmers markets and brunch and sitting outside in the warm weather.

I did a lot of backyard work. I mean I guess it looks better but Im no landscaper. I think my neighbors were looking at me weird as I was mowing the lawn. All the grass is flattened and dead and its possible its not even grass but just a web of weeds. But I was using the mower as a leaf vacuum to try and pick up all the leaves rather than rake them. I did rake a good 10 bags of leaves but I don't have enough room in my dumpster. There was also a dead bird D: I had to pick it up. Probably gonna be bugs everywhere soon. I honestly think tomorrow Im just going to buy a ton of soil and grass seen and cover the entire yard. Im aware Im moving this year but I cannot let the sticker/goathead get out of control like it was when we moved in. My dog needs the back yard.

I have some weird work drama too. I always wanna talk about it but Im afraid of privacy issues. My boss bought us sub sandwiches for lunch a few days ago and I ended up being forced to take them all home. Ive been eating cold cut subs for the past 3 days (maybe thats why I have a headache). I gave some to the gate guards and my dog walkers family. Still had a bunch remaining. My dog walker is moving too btw in a couple months T_T my husband should be back by then but still. She said she has a replacement for me if I need it.

I've also posted this everywhere bragging on my spouse. He really did call me several weeks ago like "uhhh can you show me your Lion King collection I think I made a mistake" he knows I like TLK products and collect them but he's as clueless about my collection as I am if he asked me to buy him a gun. Like Idk what to buy. I guess its a little different because I own..a lot...and none of it is on display because we've moved so much the past couple years. So I had to take him into my closet and show him my breakables based on the boxes. I knew he found something online. I just wasnt sure which one it was.

Ive briefly scoured the internet for some sort of TLK 30th anniversary anything and havent found much. So this was a surprise to me. I would have found it eventually (and probably real soon) so he's lucky he got it to me. It was a very nice gift. It looks beautiful on my computer desk. I wish I had some of my other figures out but they'd just have to go in boxes again in a few months. One of these days I'll get a display case.

[inconsideratekidney]

11/20/24

goooooood mornin',

i am feeling good today in general. i've been feeling better ever since i got dressed. i put pants on that i haven't worn in like 3 weeks and reached into my pocket and found my airpods! i am very happy. they are charging up now and i am so ready to go back to wireless listening.... the wired ones were good and all, reliable and didn't need to be charged, but man i missed not having a wire in the way of literally everything i do. the microphone on the wired ones is 100% better tho.... i was struggling to sign while wearing them connected to my laptop, but the mic was just so much better than my airpods. oh shwell. i need new headphones, i should've asked for christmas, but i said i didn't want anything like usual. i want a new laptop and a new pair of headphones.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

should i buy the sims 3? genuine question... i hear it's the best of the series for its open world concept, its general relationships, family, and the wants are actually context based and not random. the sims 4 is lovely and is by far the most aesthetic or pleasing to look at version of sims and of worlds. the building is also the best out of all 4. i like my sims 4, so i think i will obviously keep it, but will always be curious about playing the older versions, especially when so many ppl think its the best one *shrug*.

also the fact that the sims 2 has turn-ons and turn-offs is absolutely hilarious to me. so funny. and like star signs... im dead.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

how is that mighty fine air of ours. it's so airy and full of air. honestly i always forget it exists, it really does just sit there. i love the air. it's so mysterious and gets loud all of a sudden and then dissipates. so cool. i guess that's more the wind, but i love both.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

it's been 6 months since my uncle passed and 3 years since my friend from hs took his life.....times are weird. i don't feel much about it, which feels wrong, only because it was my uncle and i was closest with him. i guess i just don't like to think about things that make me upset! crazy... i was thinking about it tho during class yesterday. i totally blanked out and stared into the computer screen in front of me for about 3 minutes. that was weird...

i'm nervous to go home for thanksgiving. so many things happening..... hopefully my family is happy, but i know it'll be weird without my uncle. very weird.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

my uncle was 56 years old, wasn't married before passing, and never had any kids. he had a lovely girlfriend, so many friends and loved ones, and had many pets in his life. he was always a class clown, in school and after graduating when working as a teacher. everyone who knew him loved him. he was loud and opinionated and loved to make jokes and get people laughing. he was fun to be around because he always wanted to do something, he goofed around and would occasionally make fun of you...but you still enjoyed it...most of the time. he loved people with all of his heart and wanted the best for anyone and everyone around him.

his heart may have been the very thing that worked very hard in his life, maybe too hard. along with all of the fun times being the life of the party, he drank and smoke heavily throughout his life. he had heart problems that he didn't tell anyone about. he would work hard and do things for others, but silently suffer through them. we wouldn't have known that he was suffering as much as he did if he didn't want to burden us and bring attention to himself. in some ways, you could still argue it was a bit selfish how we all care for each other and he didn't let us know, so now we have to deal with the outcome of it. there are many perspectives, but this one is one of the harshest and realest. i won't go into the harshest one, because it's something i don't like to condemn him of, and he doesn't deserve that right now.

whatever actually happened specifically, we don't know, so there's also no reason to beat ourselves up over not knowing. i know my family struggles with that... anyway, i miss him and hope to see him in heaven one day. may God rest his soul.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

i don't mean to be so depressing, but it's my real life and i feel like it's important to talk about. i will be there for my loved ones and make sure to pay attention to people even when they piss me off. i hope everyone is doing alright and that i don't miss too many signs of depression or the like in any of my friends and close ones. i know my family's depressed rn so *shrug*.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

i may end it here for lack of anything better or more to say lol. i wish to get on a more tuesday tuesday tuesday schedule, but life happens and i forgert.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

hope everyone has a lovely day and see you all next time on the inconsideratekidney show...

i hated that..

ok bye :p

kD ⭐

[sensenotsense]

uuuuugh i am so over today i really want to take a day off. more bitching

fucking 2 kids went off this morning and then i basically lost the class either due to behaviors or being pulled and at the end of the day too another kid gets set off. its just been a long week and day and im so over it. including the extra work i need to do but with the upcoming administration it could be for nothing!!! im trying to hang onto thanksgiving break, but man i might have to take a day monday or next friday or something.

also i found signs of a mouse again so i bought more expanding foam to fill some gaps and hopefully they fuck off for good. I dont have food left out for them other than a few dirty dishes but i guess i need to clean right after now.

i think im going to look for a new place for new year/when my lease is up. i cant deal with this shit. like unless i can get rid of all this shit or prices skyrocket due to new admin :///// i mean my dad said i could move back home but i have so much shit and dont wwant to live with my brother

[aprincesslonging4luv]

a trauma dump in a way

I guess I can talk about one of my co workers. I dont know if ive talked about this on here, but I was hit by a car two and half years ago. and im still battling the lawsuit, and healing from my injuries. I had a lot a lot a lot of injuries, over 9 injuries. and this co worker, he keeps joking about my accident. and it's like, um, ?????. I mean its different when I make a joke about it, because when I make a joke about it I decide its okay and im actively thinking about it, but when someone else makes a jokes about it it catches me off guard, it triggers me. because I wasn't expecting it. and I dont appreciate it.

like, its not like he has to constantly ask people what they said or can't hear ur best friends talk to you half the time. its not like he can't eat and watch a movie at the same time. its not like he needs a hearing aid at 17, 18, 19, 20 years old. its not like he get triggered when someone gets hit by a car or a bus or anything when watching movies and tv shows. its not like he has major back pains as a result of a fractured pelvis from the accident. doesn't have brain damage, can't focus or remember or understand things as well as he should be. so incredibly angry at the world for what happened. treating strangers horribly, just because of the anger you have for what happened what to you. that theyre living their happy go merry life, and here you are traumatized. hurt. and you can't even control it. you dont want to be mean, but it just happens. its deep inside of you. the accident made you a hateful person. not like he has to deal with that.

dealing with the repercussions of not brushing ur teeth for a year after ur accident because you were so tramitauzed and depressed. didn't have to go through inpatient and out patient rehab. didnt have to beg your parents to please take you out of inpatient rehab, begging and crying to please take you home. didnt have to spend 3 weeks in the hostpital, spend thanksgiving in the hospital. doesn't have to deal with lawyers telling you your case is impossible to win, that it was your fault. doesn't have to go to therapy for their severe PTSD. not like he'll ever see Christmas different. or thanksgiving different. not like he has to deal with the flashbacks constantly, everyday. not like he has to look at the pictures from the scene, the police report, the 911 calls, the witness statements. its not like he can't drive at 19 because he's so incredibly scared of being on the road, in control of a car, and can't focus on two things at time. not like he has to a ride a bike to a from work everyday because he can't drive at 19. not like he sees the 18th of every month differently, especially the 18th of November. not like he spent 8 months with half of his paralyzed. not like the facial nerves in his face are still different to this day. not like he can't go to doctor appointments anymore because he has to relive the accident all over again, every time. its not like he mourns the person he was before the accident, how my brain used to be normal.

so, after all that, why does he make jokes about it? but then again, its not like ive told him all this. I wish I was strong enough to do that. but in order to get him to understand that he can't make jokes like that, I have to relive it. I have to give the details, explain what im going through and how this is hard. and that takes so much. it's so hard.

[brucebabener]

ok positive-ish mental health rant under the cut bc nobody cares

i guess the antidepressants must be kinda working because honestly tonight had the makings of one of those nights where i would be sulking and upset but i actually turned it into a self-care night?

like i had a pretty shitty week at work, and my family started their typical bullshit which triggered all of the memories family trauma around this time of year to come flooding back after repressing them for the last 6 months, and i had no plans or even really anyone i could talk to tonight. on my drive home i was like wtf great im stressed and lonely and feel rejected and i can’t even call my mom bc she works all weekend, and i brought home papers to grade and i was like how fucking pathetic, im 26 and grading papers and doing laundry alone on a friday night.

but then i was like, no. im not really *that* lonely, my best friend from work that i would normally hang out with on friday nights is sick so she wasn’t at work today. plus we have a very fun trip to new york planned for thanksgiving next week AND that means i don’t have to spend it with my family, which is honestly so refreshing. so i *am* loved and i *do* have friends, they’re just not around 24/7.

and i actually left work while it was still light out for the first time all week, so i went on a walk!!! i don’t think ive done that since early september before school started! i also got sushi and cake from the grocery store when i went to get quarters for laundry, like #treatyoself.

and i really needed to do the laundry. like, desperately. i hadn’t washed my clothes in 3 weeks, my sheets in a month, and my towels for a period of time im embarrassed to admit and frankly can’t even remember. but i did it and i even folded it and put it all away immediately!

and as a pleasant surprise, i forgot the new season of the crown was out, and my mom paid to share the netflix account with me, so i didn’t grade any fucking papers. i ate my sushi and cake, watched the crown, and changed out my laundry in between episodes. and now im gonna keep watching and allow myself one (1) old fashioned before i go to bed 😌

so yeah like im still bummed out about work and family BUT where in the past i would’ve normally been sobbing all night and probably having self harm thoughts, im actually just allowing myself to rest and recoup.

[opens-up-4-nobody]

...

[moncey-imagines]

WDW Trip Headcanons | Sans x GN!Reader

Sorry this took so long, Thanksgiving week has been quite busy 🥲 but now it is done and out for all the world to see 🐎🐎for context, the reader is hyperfixated on the disney parks (just like me 😎)

!!THIS HAS NOT BEEN PROOF-READ OR EDITED!!

enjoy!!!

Also I added an intro to lead into the headcanons 😱

It started with a simple statement:

* WHAT?? SERIOUSLY???

* seriously.

This is the first time you found out that Sans had absolutely no idea about the pure magic and majesty of Disney parks.

* You've been on the surface for like a year...how do you STILL not know about Disneyworld...

* idk

* Do you even know about the Disney company at all??? You have to, they are industry giants in like every category of anything ever...

* i think so, are they the ones that have the princesses?

* Which princesses?

* you know, the ones.

* No I don't, you have to tell me which ones.

* the ones with the hair.

* WHAT KIND OF HAIR?

* long hair i think.

* Rapunzel?

* idk

* Okay yeah that's it, we're going to Disneyworld, lemme go book the flights.

* cool

Two weeks later, you and your skeleton boyfriend were off to Orlando so you could expose him to the wonders of Walt Disney World.

Once you two are there and walking around, he'd probably be more focused on you rather than the park. I mean, it's kind of hard to ignore how excited you get over being in the park. The amount of facts that pop up in your brain the second you're in the parks is abundant, so much so that there is no way to stop you excited rambling (not that he'd try, he thinks it's cute).

* Look!! Look at the windows!!

* im lookin.

* It's a tribute to Marc Davis!!

* i...sorry, i dont know who that is.

Expect a lot of Sans not understanding a single thing you're talking about.

* Sans!! Look at the rocks, it's shaped like the Nautilus!!

* yeah?

* Yeah!! That's cause 20000 Leagues Under the Sea was here before The Little Mermaid ride!!

* wow.

* Do you know what any of what I just said means?

* um...not really no, im sorry.

He'll still listen though, he likes seeing you happy and excited.

* i really don't think these guys have the guts to be in here naked

* They're fake skeletons, Sans, but there's a rumor that the skull on the bed in Disneyland if re- wait...they don't have the guts. I just got it.

* took you a minute huh.

* Shut it, bonehead.

* sorry, but a name like that won't get under my skin.

* These jokes suck, you must have left your funny bone at home.

* i know, im just a lazy bones like that.

Everyone around you two have to occasionally either sit through agonizingly horrible jokes or get up and walk away.

* Hey, Sans! Do you think you can solve the murder mystery?

* murder mystery? isnt that a little dark for magic kingdom?

* It's not too dark for the Haunted Mansion, that's what this ride is all about.

* ah, okay. i wont let it rattle my bones then.

* You're such a doofus.

* actually, in your own words, im a bonehead.

* Do you think you can do the puzzle or not? The lines gonna move...

* yeah, yeah, okay.

Sans also seems to really like standing in line to hear what other people are saying.

* people say some wild stuff here, (y/n).

* Like what?

* i just heard a little girl ask her mom what happened to Mickey Mouse when he went backstage and her older sister said that the staff skinned him.

* Oh my god.

* thats not all, after that her mom agreed and told her thats how they make the Mickey ear hats.

* these fireworks are pretty nice.

* Did you know that they have to set them off no matter what? For safety reasons, they can't let old fireworks sit back there unused, even is they cancel the shows.

* so theres technically always a show?

* ...I guess so, yeah.

* ...

* What do you think happens if an airplane flies to close to the fire works?

* what happens?

* It probably becomes a scareplane.

* that one's a stretch

* C'mon, I thought it was funny.

* you were close, but not close enough. maybe next time.

Driving the car to the hotel, you turn to Sans.

* Did you...like today's trip? I wasn't annoying was I?

* i liked it, yeah, and not at all, i thought all your little facts were great. im excited for what you tell me tommorow.

* Alright, I'll stock up on my facts for Animal Kingdom tomorrow.

* you better, ill even polish my humerus.

* I knew you were gonna make some kind of pun, I felt it in my bones.

* what, have you been spine on me?

* Okay, that one was knee-t.

Sans lets out a sigh.

* What's wrong?

* nothing at all, i love you.

I'M SORRY IT TOOK SO LONG AAAAA

also sorry if its more dialogue than headcanons, I've been coding VNs as of late DHFYSGADFh

I kinda wanna make this into a short visual novel...but I cannot at the moment, I must get this fic out DHGFIYFSG

I hope it was good, if anyone wants a part two in another part just send in an ask 😎

[jihyocentric]

hi hi hi lumi im here!! i saw the last answer u did for my last ask and ive been meaning to respond but i've just had no time and been a bit stressed so it took me a bit, and im sorry abt that, but im here now!!

nahyo really is just a couple of possessive codependent losers and yknow what i think they're perfect like that. and so does jeongyeon apparently lksjfklsd

no but i can totally see jeongyeon loving what nahyo have but also being nervous to intrude, especially with how her and jihyo started off on the wrong foot but watching nayeon give jihyo her little lesson abt jealousy definitely helps improve it

awwww for nayeon it goes: bff jeongyeon to roommate/crush of my dog jeongyeon to girlfriend #2 jeongyeon that's actually adorable

all the jealousy is def gonna lead to some MAD sexual tension on all sides i think that's perfect

and there we have it that's 3mix yall!!

-🐶 (im really tired rn so sorry if this isnt as extensive as some of my other asks but i promise im seeing them and appreciating them!! <33)

oh things will get steamy between jeonghyo for sure! but right now all i can think about is fluff... and about being busy it's just like i've said before, don't worry about it, take your time and take care of yourself anonie!!

took a bit longer to answer this bc now that i'm free from college i've been resting (and by resting i mean playing too much genshin impact)... yes i am ashamed.

but here's a little jeonghyo thingy in puppy!hyo au 🤍 late thanksgiving hc i guess!

-

jihyo has been trying hard to like jeongyeon.

jeongyeon's loud laugh still scares her, but she was sure she'd get used to it just like she did with nayeon's. jihyo's ears are sensitive, but she still finds it the cutest thing when nayeon laughs loudly, and punches her shoulder, so maybe jihyo could accept jeongyeon being loud that as well. after promising to nayeon, jihyo really started to try and accept jeongyeon as a whole.

the thing is that nayeon was never a nuisance, and jihyo never had to learn how to like her. even when she was still getting used to living with nayeon, jihyo has never felt bothered by nayeon's unique personality, always head over heels for her. sana and momo, nayeon's friends, never scared her either, so jihyo didn't know why jeongyeon triggered her that much. apart from her being jealous of jeongyeon with her owner, that is.

after weeks trying to accept jeongyeon's presence, jihyo would still go after nayeon when her owner had to answer the door. jihyo could sense jeongyeon's presence from afar, and she had to check her scent each time, so that she knew there was no threat and jeongyeon could go inside their home with her approval.

"are you going to do this every time?" jeongyeon asks jokingly, not moving an inch while jihyo reached closer, sniffing her clothes.

jihyo moves away, happy with her little research. jeongyeon still smelled like jeongyeon. nothing different, which meant there were no threats that jihyo could sense or other people's scents in her. jeongyeon's scent was strong and present, one of the best jihyo had ever found in a human. nayeon's was still better, sweet and acidic just the right amount. too bad that jihyo and mina were the only ones with a sense of smell sharp enough to notice those things.

"she likes it." nayeon comments, pointing at jihyo's wagging tail. jihyo quickly tries to prevent her own body from exposing her feelings, but the attempt is useless. "what did you bring for us?"

"pumpkin pie for your sweet puppy," jeongyeon says, charming. jihyo looks at nayeon and pouts. jeongyeon was cheesy and only nayeon could call her puppy. maybe sana too, but it always made jihyo flustered and nayeon didn't like it one bit.

"don't say that. 'puppy'. that's for me only." nayeon pats jeongyeon's shoulder. "let's get inside, sana and momo are here already."

jeongyeon frowns but accepts nayeon's request. jihyo moves to sit on sana's lap, a bit bored after playing with mina and momo the entire evening and not being able to put together the lego figure that was supposed to be formed once all of the pieces were in place.

"hey there, cutie," sana coos at jihyo, allowing the puppy to rest on her lap. jihyo could be clingy, and that's when she was the most adorable. at least that's what sana always thought. unlike mina, who could be very picky at times, jihyo was always up for a good cuddle.

nayeon was setting the dining table by the time jeongyeon came from the kitchen. for jeongyeon's luck, sana gets called by mina to help her and momo with the legos, and jihyo no longer has her warm lap to sit on. instead of waiting for nayeon, jihyo looks at the only lap available, and it happens to be jeongyeon's.

"'m going to sit here." jihyo states rather than asking. jeongyeon is taken aback, but she certainly doesn't refuse jihyo's approach, letting nayeon's puppy sit on her lap. "you're warmer than sana," jihyo mutters, her head falling back against jeongyeon's shoulder, body relaxing.

it is certainly a surprise for nayeon when she goes into the living room and finds jihyo sleeping on her best friend's lap, ears twitching and tail swishing softly, as if she's dreaming. she looks at them fondly for minutes and almost forgets to call them for dinner.

[freebooter4ever]

.

I know i said i wouldnt waste any more words on him but this morning im indulging.

It's cloudy and rainy in LA today. When I imagined being older - well first off I didn't think it would take me till my thirties to finally feel semi-securely independent- but as a kid I always saw myself living and working in Seattle (home) with the glossy wet streets and constant smell of damp pine needles. So I guess when I get even a little sense of that...it feels like some sort of accomplishment I didn't even recognize I was searching for? The mist at the seaport did the same. I didn't even bring a coat with me, I was wandering around the village in my goofy sailing ship sweater and 4 inch heels, probably standing out like a sore thumb. But you couldn't get me to get off those beautiful ships just because of a little rain. One of the volunteers I was chatting up was so amused by my refusal to stay dry she actually gave me her umbrella to use while she hid under the ship's eaves.

And Oh, the rain the greenery the clouds reminded me of that little island off vancouver island that i fell so much in love with while working there for a week. Where I went running on rocky beaches, and took my cool down sitting on a driftwood throne, and kept thinking about how i wanted to take nick out of land locked pittsburgh and get him out here to the pacific northwest and keep him. That was back when we were still doing our friends-with-benefits/lovers(?) thing, and eight years ago sounds like forever but it felt like no time at all when I saw him walking across the gravel hill in the port. (I keep reminding myself that he never called me once while he was in Seattle)(I thought about him constantly whenever I was there...and that was obviously not reciprocated).

But look, we met on one of my more miserable thanksgivings when I was headed down the treacherously tall front steps of his sister's pittsburgh north side house, and he was headed up with an arm load of pies. And all he had to do was fucking smile at me (and then later when I came back from my office around 2am to find him sitting on the floor of the kitchen eating pie, and I perched on the bar stool and we talked for three hours, and he kept smiling and smiling and smiling up at me like I was something special).

He smiled at me again when I unexpectedly saw him at the seaport. He did NOT tell me the bad weather meant he was no longer aboard whatever ship he had been supposed to be on. He had not responded to any of my texts about how I and a friend were making the trip anyway. And he must have overhead me bitterly complaining to my friend that I hated how much I loved this place because I wanted to see it, hate it, and be able to forget about him. So his smile was a little strained, I think.

I wish I had taken photos of his office. It was up this long flight of cavernous wood steps covered in hanging seafaring paraphernalia in a wooden building over a century old. And at the top, in his little room - also covered in ship building paraphernalia, he offered me a seat. But instead of sitting in the arm chair I pulled out a nearby stool so I could perch as close to his desk as possible. And to the left of me was this beautiful old glass window. So when looking at him got to be too much, i could stare out at the ships.

Cause looking at him was the same, like no time had passed, and it was weird and terrifying because of how unexpected that was. He could still lift me off my feet in a hug like it was easy, and the minute we touched I still didn't want to let go. Kissing was a little scarier than it used to be, but that was my fault for having retreated back into my shell during the pandemic. But between kisses, while we were still stuck together like magnets, I definitely kept babbling about how much I already loved this place, and how my job was all on the computer, and technically I could work remote anywhere I chose, and he was definitely encouraging it.

And I'm not stupid, I promise. I know that if I up and moved to small town rhode island nick would get tired of me within a week, and it would be a disaster and all fall apart. I know this has always been my lovestory and for him its something else entirely. But oh my god that office overlooking the ships, with his big blue eyes looking at me from across a desk that he utterly belonged in...that could be a fantasy.

(the best thanksgiving of my life was him and me alone in a cabin in the laurel highlands, taking his truck out in the snow and exploring the woods)(he baked me mac n cheese)(if i do have a type its: ‘can cook well’)(but im also awkwardly aware that my bar for ‘best’ is so low, that surely he's had better, and this is all one sided).

I've dated other people since, obviously, and they've been wonderful, but no one ever felt like ‘home’ like he did. And it alarmed me that the same feeling remained even after not seeing each other in person for six ish years. Sometimes it scares me that I won't ever find that again. Especially getting older, and getting all of society's messaging that I'm basically undesirable and worthless at this point. And I also sometimes wonder what it means that I could feel that way about someone who doesn't feel the same way back, and maybe that means this feeling is wrong somehow. But I don't even know what this feeling is, thats so strong it compells me to drive over eight hours not even expecting to see him but just to see the misty seaport that has held this previously nomadic ski bum/sailor/new yorker down for more than a year.

I'm not going to think about it deeper than I already have. I have come to him so much over the years. Maybe if he finally comes to LA for a bit. Maybe then. But oh my god there's a huge chunk of me that longs to sit in that office, watching the ships and him, until I get my fill of it, whenver that might be.

[ncssian]

A Favor: Part Eleven

Nessian Modern AU

Masterlist

a/n: first chapter after acosf!! im sorry for how short this one is, but acosf wrecked me and writing this put me back together. i hope it does something similar for you ❤️

***

“You say you’ve been doing better lately?”

The therapist’s office is plain, a little gloomy, but big windows overlook the center of town that make Nesta feel less suffocated.

She nods, “Yeah.”

“How would you describe ‘better’?” Dr. Bond— Lana, she insists on being called— has been endlessly patient with Nesta’s non-answers so far. Nesta almost feels bad and decides to throw the woman a rope.

“I’m not alone anymore,” she says. “I used to be alone all the time, but now I have friends, sort of… and a boyfriend.” She still loves that word. It’s never tasted so exciting before.

“You were always alone before this, then? Or were there just people that you didn’t consider noteworthy?”

A scowl rises to Nesta’s mouth. Damn, she works quick. “I was raised with two sisters in a one-bedroom apartment. I never got to be alone, but then I grew up, and…” Her mind wants to skip over the time she spent in college. “For the last couple of years, I holed up in my own place. Never wanted to talk to anybody or see them. If people took an interest in me, I shut them down because I didn’t have an interest in them.”

“You missed a few years,” Lana notes.

“What?”

“You’re twenty-four, and you moved out at eighteen. Where were you before getting your own place?”

Numbness seeps through Nesta at the question. She knows she can ask Lana to change the topic, but that will only bring it back later. “I had a boyfriend in college,” she says flatly. “I lived with him for a few years, but like you said, it isn’t noteworthy.”

“As a fellow lone wolf, I disagree.” Lana’s clinical polite face is unchanging. “Any person who you trust enough to let into your life is noteworthy.”

Nesta says nothing.

“I’m interested in these people you’ve chosen to trust,” her therapist continues after a beat of silence. “Why don’t we start with whoever you trust most?”

Nesta snorts. This she can talk about.

“His name is Cassian. I’ve been living with him ever since my apartment got flooded a couple of months ago, and he’s always been a good friend to me.” She sits there, thinking about what else to say. “I think I like him more than I’ve ever liked anybody.”

“This is the new boyfriend?”

Nesta nods.

“Do you compare him to the old one?”

Nesta doesn’t know what this lady’s angle is, but she answers carefully, “I used to. Back when I first moved in. I haven’t done it in a long time, though.”

“Why not?”

The answer is simple. “There’s no need to. He’s not comparable to anybody.”

“Is that why you opened up to him after two years of self-imposed isolation?”

Nesta looks away. “It wasn’t isolation,” she defends. “It’s just… after a lifetime of being subjected to the gaze of strangers, I wanted to hide. I liked hiding.” Mostly.

“What does that mean, the gaze of strangers?”

Question after cool question, this one. Nesta struggles to find a proper answer.

“You know how,” she starts slowly, “as soon as you start school, you’re placed into this bubble with a bunch of people who don’t know you and have no reason to care about you? There’s a shift in how you view people, and how people view you. And I thought I could leave it behind once I graduated high school, but it followed me to college and to parties and into everyday interactions.”

“What is it?”

“It’s this—” Nesta waves her hands, “judgment. It’s that thing you do as soon as you meet someone, and you try to determine whether they’re worth your time or not. Whether they’re above or below you in this made-up social hierarchy in your head.”

“Explain that more,” Lana says.

“We want to hang around people we find cool. And when we meet someone new, we inspect them, look them up and down, to see if they fit our definition of cool. We take them apart. Everyone does it, even you. And with me,” she shrugs, “I’m pretty, I wear the right clothes, I do my makeup. So at first glance, people think, ‘Oh, I can see myself getting to know her better. I can see myself liking her.’ But then they take a closer look at me, and it’s like…” Her fingers flutter in the air, trying to support her thoughts. “I can see their minds changing. ‘Nevermind, I was wrong. Nevermind, there’s something off with her. She’s a little quiet, a little weird, a little bitchy.’”

Lana narrows her eyes. “And Cassian doesn’t look at you like that?”

Nesta looks away. “He doesn’t look at anyone like that.”

It’s what used to make her so uncomfortable about him. She was incapable of fathoming his honesty, his genuineness, his kindness. She thought he was even weirder than her for it— she placed him beneath her on her social hierarchy for it.

Lana frowns thoughtfully. “And now you two live together?”

Nesta nods, then shrugs. “For the next twenty-four hours, we do. He’s helping me move back into my old place.”

Because that was another conversation she and Cassian had on Thanksgiving night. It was a long time coming, but also the perfect time.

“You’re saying your apartment has been ready for weeks? Why are you just telling me now?”

Nesta pillowed her face on his chest, not as upset at revealing the news as she would have been some days ago. “Because I was scared that if I moved out, I would lose my friendship with you.”

“That never would have happened—”

“We wouldn’t see each other every day anymore. Even if we didn’t go back to being complete strangers, the closeness would be lost.”

“You must not know me, then. I would’ve texted you every fucking hour. You’d never hear the end of me.”

“I couldn’t guarantee that back then.” She looked up at him through her lashes. “I can now.” She crawled higher up his body, lowering her voice to a secretive pitch. “Want to know why?”

“Why?” he whispered.

“Because you’re mine now. And that’s what I was waiting for while I made Lorene hold that shitty empty apartment for me. I was waiting for a catalyst, a revelation.” She pressed a kiss to his sternum. “And I most definitely got it.” The pleasant ache between her legs was proof enough. “Also,” she added, “it would be weird if you lived with your girlfriend before even having a first date with her.”

Cassian huffed a laugh. “You have a point there. We have been moving backwards, haven’t we?”

Nesta nodded into his skin.

He got a little quiet. “Still,” he said after a moment. “I’ll miss you.”

“You’ll see me every day. I’ll be fifteen minutes away.”

“I’ll still miss you.”

“I know.”

“What does talking about guys have to do with my therapy?” Nesta squirms, getting restless with the topic.

“Lots of things,” Lana says, putting down her notepad. “It gets you comfortable with expressing your feelings to me, and it teaches me about how you view the world. Besides, therapy isn’t just a rehashing of past traumas, you know. We can talk about whatever you want here, especially if it makes you feel good.”

“Well, I want to talk about something else.” She’s not spending this much money by the hour just to talk about how much she likes Cassian— she can go to Cassian for that for free.

“Like what?” Lana asks smoothly.

She’s offering an opening, finally, to the real reason that Nesta’s here.

Nesta pulls at the sleeves of her sweatshirt, wondering where to start. “I feel like I’ve been growing up lately,” she says carefully. “I have all these new people in my life to be responsible for, and I’m— I want to do it right. But I’m worried I won’t have room for new things until I pack up some of my old shit, so that’s why I’m here, I guess. I don’t want to hold on to all of my old shit anymore.”

At Lana’s encouraging silence, she continues, “I spent my whole life stuck in a suffocating town, and as soon as I left, I got stuck in a relationship. By the time I knew what freedom felt like, I— I’d been left behind. Everyone I knew was moving onto bigger things and all I had was this shitbag of a past. So I got a new place and started law school and called it a fresh start, but now I’m here and I’m not sure if I ever got better.”

She takes a sharp breath after everything that’s spilled.

Lana purses her lips, letting the room absorb Nesta’s words. After a long moment, she says, “Just because bad things stop happening to someone, doesn’t mean they instantly get better. It’s a good thing that you’re recognizing that before stepping into new relationships, Nesta.”

Lana glances at the clock on the wall. “I’m afraid that’s all the time we have for today, but this was a productive first session.” She offers a small smile. “Same time next week?” She says it as if it isn’t already a done deal.

Nesta nods gratefully anyway, unable to say anything else. As soon as she’s out the door, a pent-up sigh escapes her. That wasn’t so bad.

***

Later that night, Nesta doesn’t miss Cassian’s wistful stare as he takes down the painting he got her from the fall festival. Nor does she miss how slowly he packs it away.

Once the bedroom she made her home is as sparse as the day she moved in, all her things packed away neatly in boxes, Nesta wraps her arms around Cassian and pulls him to the bed. There, she lets him hold her close, their breaths and limbs intertwining as they lie in thoughtful silence.

“I can’t believe I’ll never see this room again,” Nesta says quietly.

Cassian’s eyes widen in alarm. “What do you mean, never again?”

“I’ll be staying in your room whenever I visit, remember?” Her underwear already occupies a drawer in his closet.

Cassian visibly relaxes when he remembers, then smiles. “Right. Of course.”

She lets herself sink deeper into his embrace. “I just realized you’ve never seen my apartment before.” He was waiting at the front door of Lorene’s place while Nesta collected her things all those weeks ago, but she cringes at the thought of him visiting now. The clear wealth gap between her and Cassian doesn’t usually show, but it’ll be undeniable with the cramped room she calls an apartment. “Maybe it’s best if I move back in without your help. There might not even be space there for your huge body.”

“Sounds more appealing by the minute.” He’s not joking. He tilts up Nesta’s chin so she’s forced to meet his eyes. “I can’t wait to start partaking in your life the way you took over mine. Spending nights at your place, meeting your friends, riding in your car instead of mine.”

Nesta swallows.

“I’m gonna miss you like hell, but it’ll be for the best.”

He’s right: this is what’s best for their budding relationship right now. Moving out, creating even a little bit of distance— all of it is so they can finally learn each other as lovers instead of roommates. So when they do come back together, which Nesta firmly believes they will, it’ll be stronger than ever before.

Some of their shared sadness flits away at the truth of it. She only places her hand on his cheek, content to appreciate this view— this beautiful, hazel-shaded view— without further chitchat or goodbyes.

Cassian is not as fond of the silence. “I need to tell you something,” he says seriously after a few minutes.

After only a handful of days dating Cassian, Nesta knows what he’s going to say. “Don’t,” she warns, unamused.

He grins conspiratorially and leans in even closer, until their mouths are almost brushing. “You’re my everything, Nesta.”

“Oh my god, stop it.” She squirms out of his hold and gets up, tossing the blankets off herself.

“No, come back!” He makes a grab for her sleeve. “We have to use the bed one last time—”

But she’s already running off.

***

Cassian carefully arranges the canvas painting on the wall, taking a step back to determine if it’s hanging straight. The ruby and amber leaves of the landscape stand out against the dull teal walls of Nesta’s basement apartment, but he’s just getting started.

The rest of Nesta’s things are half-unpacked from their cardboard boxes, but instead of going for the important shit first, he finds the box he specifically marked FAVES in bold letters the night before.

While Nesta wrangles to get her clothes back into her old closet in the background, Cassian crouches and rips open the small box. There, lying atop his girlfriend’s favorite trinkets and personal items, is the framed photo he snuck in without her noticing.

It’s of the two of them at the fall festival, taken mere hours before their first kiss. Nesta is pressed up close to Cassian (her excuse being that it was cold), and a genuine light fills her eyes, one that Cassian never thought he’d be able to capture on camera. Cassian himself isn’t looking at the camera, but down at Nesta with wind-flushed cheeks and a distant smile. Making sure she’s having a good time, that she truly wants to be there with him in that moment.

He never realized how close they looked in that picture until he had it printed and framed, not long after Nesta announced she was moving out. He can’t believe he didn’t see it sooner.

Standing up, he places the photo on Nesta’s wooden dresser. Nesta still has her head in the closet, moving things around, but Cassian makes no announcement of his gift to her. She’ll notice it sooner or later.

He clears his throat. “Wanna take a break and order Chinese?”

Nesta pops her head out of the closet, her ponytail ruffled and eyes narrowed at him. “Have you even been helping this whole time?”

“Standing here and looking pretty is harder than it seems, but I don’t expect any credit from you,” he jokes. “Just let me buy you lunch.”

Nesta grumbles something he chooses not to hear, but straightens up and rubs her spine with a wince. “I need a fucking chiropractor,” she mutters.

Guilt shoots through Cassian at that small wince, and he resolves to finish organizing Nesta’s closet for her before the day is over. Nesta goes on, “So? Still determined to split your time between here and the cabin?” She gestures to the apartment with an arm.

It’s really just a glorified single room, with a rusty kitchenette in the corner, a hallway near the stairs that holds the bathroom, and Nesta’s bed pushed against one wall. It’s nothing special, but Cassian loves it. Mostly because he can already envision each new nook and cranny to take Nesta against, and how he wants to wake up in that too-small bed on days that he’s too lazy to drive home.

“It’s perfect,” he says simply. Thank you for sharing your home with me, is what he really means. Speaking of homes—

Cassian digs around in his pocket, finding and pulling out a newly-minted silver key. “I almost forgot to give you this.”

Nesta frowns, coming forward to take the key from him. He uses the closeness as an excuse to wrap his arms around her waist while she inspects the object.

She glances up at him, eyes softer than they were a moment ago, lips slightly parted. “You’re giving me a key to the cabin?”

He shrugs casually. “You should’ve gotten one a long time ago.” She used either Cassian’s key or the spare while she lived there.

Her mouth is still open, and she closes it once, twice, before finally saying, “I don’t have a key to my place for you.”

“But I can get one,” she adds quickly. “If you want it, that is.”

Of course he wants it, but he keeps his face carefully neutral. “Only if you want me to have one. We’re still new, and this is your personal space.” He emphasizes your.

Nesta purses her lips, then says, “I’ll think about it.”

Cassian’s shoulders slump in relief— relief that Nesta is being honest with him instead of doing something she isn’t yet ready for. He’ll take her honesty over an apartment key any day.

Wrapping an arm around her shoulders, he smiles brightly and shoves her toward the bed. “If we’re getting dumplings again then you can’t steal mine.”

***

a/n: fair warning that ive never been to therapy, but in stories therapists are usually a mode for character exploration and development, which is what nesta's therapy will be for.

also im so glad i got to meet gwyn in acosf and im so excited to introduce her into this fic too!! if you have ideas for her origin story feel free to share because nothing is planned yet

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