#but im glad i got the support from each of these communities in my journey

[pitzer]

and the bisexual/pansexual to aroace to lesbian to aroace again to gay man pipeline (when you realize you're a trans man) is real too (or at least it was to me lol). like yeah, buddy, the reason why you thought you were attracted to women was because the lesbian environment felt comfortable to your queerness and you were allowed to take a more masculine role in flirting. the reason why you weren't attracted to men was because you could only see them seeing you as a woman and that didn't feel right. the reason why you eventually just wrote both of them off was because you realized you didn't really feel attracted to women, but also couldn't feel attracted to men directly with you involved in any fantasy (and that was also why you were obsessed with gay media and fanfic, because it scratched an urge that you thought you couldn't have for yourself because you didn't know you were a gay man). and the reason you finally realized you were attracted to men was because you realized you were a man, and that was why you only felt attracted to men when you imagined yourself as one, only felt attracted if it was gay and not straight. like, yeah, buddy, it's all explained now. you can chill now. take a breather. go live your life.

The bisexual to aroace pipeline is pretty much having the right idea and coming to the wrong conclusion. Yeah buddy you're not straight and you're also not gay. No not like that though, the other way around

[vesprynna]

Today is my 34th birthday, aaah!! Toot toot the birthday flute!! 🥳🙌 As per usual, here's my annual birthday pinup 💖 This year features my soft forest monster lad Khalan lounging in a refreshing forest pool 💖 He's from my WIP comic project DEAREST!

A hi res downloadable version of this year's pinup + a timelapse is free for everyone to enjoy on my Ko-Fi 🥰🙌

Here are the other versions of Khalan and Willow over the years! I feel like celebrating their journey too 🥳 Which one is your fav?

🌱🌻🌾🌷🌾🌻🌱🌻🌾🌷🌻🌾🌱

Now, Im going to be a bit sappy so... Bear with me, or just enjoy the art and go on with your day, whatever suits you. Thank you for being here regardless 💖

To imagine that 20 years ago I didn't think I'd live to see my 20's... But I'm still here, and I'm so happy that I am 💖 Life's been rough, and it will continue to be at times, but thankfully there's pockets of joy to be found in the chaos. It really can be as simple as a funny tag someone leaves on my art, my best friend @unicornia93 doodling something funny to cheer me up, or the boundless enthusiasm my fiance has for ANY idea I share with him or my family being their goofy but wonderful selves 😂💖

I also want to extend a sincere Thank You to everyone who's supported and followed me over the years. Every year when my birthday comes around I always wonder how I got so lucky to be blessed with great friends, a wonderful fiance and my small but loving family... And to also be part of a community both online and offline amongst kindhearted, passionate people and artists. I don't say this often enough, but I truly appreciate each and every one of you! From my regular followers who always, always like my art (yes, I see you 💖), and to my friends, family and fiance for giving encouragement and critique to help me grow as an artist and person. You guys are absolutely wonderful!! 💖🙏

I'm glad I stuck around to experience all that life has had to offer so far. Thank you for being here with me in this moment, I hope you will be here next year too 💖💐

[warderfromtheborder]

Final Shape thoughts

TL:DR it's very good. I'm glad Bungie cooked so good on it, but I'm still sad/frustrated/concerned about the future development of the game

Campaign 10/10, no negative notes. Absolutely fantastic writing and performances. Liked the structure of having the final mission happen after the raid. I hope we get to replay Excision it was a lot of fun. SCUR-V appearance gave me the giggles and the shouts.

Prismatic is really cool, I like having a different way to do my liar's handshake build.

The new enemy faction is super cool, but it felt like they got less aggressive with their abilities as the campaign progressed?

The Pale Heart is a fucking AMAZING destination, what an excellent way to frame the final leg of this journey. I took tons of screenshots looking back at the portal. Climbing up the weird Witness tree hieroglyph in Iconoclast was one of my fave bits of traversal.

The only thing I genuinely wish was different is: in Wild Card, I wish the dark ether'd War Beast was like, 10 times as big. I wanted to get attacked by a comically large beaste.

Satisfaction at a good ending for the story is on one hand, and fomo burnout is on the other. I want to have more adventures in this game. I want to not have to worry about chasing red borders anymore. I want to never look at a season pass or seasonal challenge checklist ever again. Pathfinder is just gonna make me more aware of how much Im not doing rituals each week.

I kinda feel like daniel craig who's just wrapped filming a Bond movie is immediately asked "aren't you excited to make another one :) "

And then there's the like, looming possibility that the studio is gonna bend backwards to make Destiny 3?? And no idea whats gonna happen after the three episodes. I hope those two questions are addressed on monday's livestream. I can't stop thinking about the layoffs, and how for years it sounded like they were committed to not overpromising, not crunching, building up a sustainable cadence of content. And then, seemingly because youtubers couldn't handle a story that wasn't spoonfed to them, Lightfall got so much bad press it got buried despite being an excellent expansion, and the seasonal content was also excellent, but so much bad press means 10% of the team has to get fired??? Including people who have nothing but huge Ws under their belt like the head composer or the lawyer who protects the community managers from harassment???? LITERALLY DECIMATED. Yeah of course I dont have the full picture, there's so much context and details I don't know. It's parasocial. But I don't feel as certain anymore that I get to support devs who are happy with their employers. I know they still love the game they make. I dunno. I dunno. Give everyone a year's paid vacation! Give everyone a raise! Give them all tenure! Stop fuckkng firing game devs!!! Please!!

The Final Shape, very good, good job destiny dev team, 9/10.

[toukatan]

i was listing all my favorite panels on the final chapter but i realized i listed almost every pages of it 🥺 no wonder this final chapter will be turned into postcards they are all beautiful 🥺 personally these are my favorites

i still haven't collected all my thoughts and i don't think i will ever be agdjdks all i feel since yesterday is just pure gratefulness. i'm just so incredibly happy that i got to witness this series unfold, grateful for all the people i came to be friends with along the way, lucky to be able to meet amazing bloggers, writers, content creators, fanfic writers and fanartists, and most of all, i'm entirely grateful because this series gave me opportunities to discover and ignite my love again in doing artworks, illustrations and contents to which i have already forgotten for years. it gave me a little confidence that i could be / could give something (it wasn't much i know xD but still, knowing me, i thought i'll never be able to create something) *pats my back*

i'm so happy that i really have enjoyed my stay here in the fandom because of you beni and to all the few people i became really friends with (you girls know who you are) and i love you all and cherish all the moments and crackheads stuffs we did. i remember that this roasting happened was because the angst is too much for us and that's why we have all come to an agreement to roast eren and everyone in the series. love that this community has been very helpful to me when i feel lonely and you all really did put a smile in my face. the way, we're all chaotic during chapter 123 and 138, we're all losing our minds(!) but my favorite moment will always be during 138 on how we're all betraying beni left and right front and back top to bottom 😂 it was definitely the most chaotic month we've ever been and i'm so moved on how respectful we are to each other and just chill here and vibe and just appreciate everything in the manga. it has been a joyous journey and i'll never forget this amazing experience with you all!

most of all, i thank isayama-sensei because if it wasn't for him, i wouldn't be able to meet all of you! 😊💛 i cherish and adore you all! cheers to another end of an era and cheers to a new beginning! *coughs jjk roast era, i will join you soon when i catch up*

ayna it took me a whole ass week to reply to you because i didn’t wanna get all emotional again right after the chapter that i ran away to work and read other things in order to keep my mind off it please forgive me i could not handle the pain of messages like these, i was feeling too much. but now with a week gone i can collectively reply now!

but no for real, almost every single panel within chapter 139 is stunning. like if yams doesn’t consider making merch outta these i don’t know what to think!

everything you said in that paragraph i absolutely agree too— through the journey of snk we were all able to meet such amazing people no matter what it was we had to gush about. from writers, to artists, to graphic makers, to meta writers, to bloggers, to simply just enjoying the little things about snk we all found each other and that alone is a blessing. i’m so glad you found your love for art again ayna, like thank freaking god you came off anonie just so i could yell at you for being talented, stunning, never been seen before and everything in between. you’re amazing artist and don’t let anyone tell you otherwise. i’m so glad snk was able to be your little paradise away from irl things— an escape with something you love with people joining you along the way adoring the same series with you.

honestly— i have no idea where the heck i would’ve been without you guys. no you don’t understand y’all really made my days and nights on end, any time i felt a little lost or out of it, you guys pulled me right back and outta there, i couldn’t be more thankful for every individual i’ve met on here. haha i remember it so well, everyone was being too angsty and we collectively decided no this ain’t it and started roasting every single little thing not matter what the heck it was. eren’s ass to his forehead please this was the peak of our culture ahdjwgjdbs oh my god not the 138 top ten anime betrayals. the way y’all went IM SO SORRY BENI AND I WAS LIKE DONT SAY SORRY THIS ON YOUE FJAGXHBWBS AND THEN WE STARTED GRILLING EACH OTHER INSTEAD HONESTLY WHAT THE HECK WERE WE DOING SHHDJSJDN i’ll cherish those days forever and more. the best days of my life— 🥺💗

i’m glad this safe space was able to make your days and you were able to meet new people. it makes me happy knowing you guys all respect one another and feel safe discussing anything and everything here. i loved seeing everyone get along from roasting to supporting each other with real life things. i honestly couldn’t have asked for more with my snk journey and im glad i was able to start it with you guys and end it with y’all. if i could do it all over again— i would in a heartbeat.

yes i will thank isayama here because without the man himself working so hard these past 11/12 years i wouldn’t have been able to meet y’all! yams you get that sauna and expect us to cry in there sir you did that and did it flawlessly. but no reals yams better get that sauna. i don’t accept no for an answer. cheers to snk and the journey we’ve had— i can’t wait for what’s next! AJKDBSJSNS JJK ROAST ERA? I THINK YES?

but no seriously. thank you for being apart of my snk journey— i love and adore every single one of y’all and couldn’t have asked for more. im honestly so glad i found you 🥺💗

[myhoneststudyblr]

something crazy just happened...

i started this blog a year and a half ago and i honestly never imagined i would reach 100 followers let alone 15k!!! so i want to thank you ALL for being so lovely, welcoming and supportive - whenever i come on to tumblr, the studyblr community never fails to make me smile

this studyblr has been such an important journey for me and since i’ve made it i’ve grown as a person and as a student. it has taught me so much, from good study habits and self-care tips, to even some things about who i am as a person!

since i’ve created this blog and particularly in the past few months I've had the honour to meet and get to know some truly incredible people and i want to tag some people who i love and im so thankful to for being so kind: 

(you should all go follow their blogs if you haven’t already)

(btw it is probably gonna be quite long cause i have so much to say about these incredible people!!! sorry but im not really sorry XD)

@redlitmusbluelitmus MIA!!! i have already told you so many times how glad i am that you are my friend but i am going to do it again right here cause i can!! you are quite possibly the nicest, funniest and supportive people i have ever had the pleasure to meet. we haven't known each other for that long but in that time you quickly became an amazing friend and we have always just *got* each other!!! 💕💕💕

@study-van yasemin - our first conversation was pretty much a car crash and every one since has made me laugh and look like a proper idiot cause im usually just staring at my phone! i’ve followed your blog for so long and i’m so proud of all the amazing things you are doing and i’m so glad to have you as a friend after so stalking your blog for so long 💕

@museeofmoon zainab!!! we’ve known each other only for a short time now but our friendship was pretty much immediate!!! our conversations are filled with emojis, emoticons, capitals letters and XDs and i wouldn’t have it any other way!!!!! your posts are works of art and i will forever stan them <3

@headgirlstudy Ellie - discovering your blog was one of the best things to come out of my 2020 quarantine challenge cause you have this incredible style and simple beauty to your posts that i just can’t get enough of! i’ve loved having our fangirl conversations about taylor swift and all her incredible songs! you probably don’t know this but one of those conversations took place when i was feeling very low but discussing all the songs with you lifted me up so much so thank you xxx

@jeonchemstudy DAPHNE!!! if i ever create a bujo, i want it to look like yours because honestly, i don't understand how you managed to create such beauty!! we are interested in such similar things and it’s been so cool to find a fellow Gallagher girl lover (i was so shook when i found out you loved the books cause i usually feel very alone in my loved of them XD) and someone who is obsessed with last week tonight as me!!! x

@bulletnotestudies sabrina... you are just incredible and such a joyful person!!! i will always remember you messaging me when i posted that i was stressed about an exxay exam and your message was the last thing i saw before doing it and honestly if gave me such a boost! you’re positivity and supportiveness blows me away and i want many many more conversations with you xxx

@lattesandlearning laura - you were one of the most dedicated posters throughout the quarantine challenge and i loved seeing each and every one of your posts! i’m so glad to be following your journey and seeing what you’ve accomplished even in the short amount of time that I've known you <3

@upside-down-uni mo!!! another incredibly dedicated poster in the quarantine challenge and one that i always specifically looked out for! you and your blog have truly opened my eyes to other experiences and educated me more than you know just from your responses and posts! i always see that you like my posts and even on my dumb little text posts you often reply and it always makes me smile! i’m so glad that you’ve created this officially studyblr and thankful to you for making the community even more colourful 🌈

@coffeeandpies pat, i’ve said it before and i’ll say it again but you are the basically the third person that i followed in the studyblr community and to think that we’ve actually had conversations and we are friends and mutuals is downright crazy to me because you are imo just one of those iconic blogs!!! you are a beautiful person inside and out and your text posts are hilarious and tell the best stories. thank you so much for being so lovely <3

@coralstudiies you were the first person ever to really message me on tumblr and i remember being so shook because i think your blog is just mind blowingingly incredible! every picture of your notes looks like a work of art and i don’t know how you manage to make them look so perfect!!!

@problematicprocrastinator beth, you are a pillar of positivity in this community and your supportiveness and openness is at a level that i aspire to! your morning messages are usually the first thing i see (at least when i still was going to school on the bus every morning before all of the corona stuff) and it always gave me a little boost for the day! you are an incredible writer and your dedication to supporting everyone in this community is amazing <3 (also your blog name is probably the best one i’ve ever seen and i’m so jealous ngl)

i could wax lyrical about every studyblr i know but this post is getting really long so here are more of my favourites (just know that if you are in this list i have a little monologue about how amazing you are in my head and i appreciate you so much 💕💕💕)

@chazza-studies-alevels @stuhde @captainofstudies @sosiaalitieteet @elleandhermione @mid-afternoon-tea @athenastudying @learning-to-think @serendistudy @philology-studies @rivkahstudies @emili-a-a @nabasynth @divinity-study @cals-desk @abbieestudia @studywithprincess @studybuddiesareoverrated @casual-minimalist @stu-dna @coffe-in-cup @adelinestudiess @intellectys @eintsein @einstetic

there are so so many more that could be added to this list and i’m sure i’ve forgotten people!! basically i ADORE every single person in this community and i’ve loved getting to know all of you and i hope i’ll be able to meet more people in the next few years 💕💕💕

Now here’s the blograte celebration!!!

I did a blogrates for 10k followers but i enjoyed it so much and it was a while ago now that i want to do it again with all you amazing people!!!

Rules

Must be following me although new followers are welcome too!

Must be a studyblr or at least mostly (cause I want to find some more studyblrs to follow)

Reblog this post

Send me an ask : in the ask begin with your favourite emoji so I know it is a blog rate then tell me a funny story! 

Please don’t send anons - if your studyblr is a side blog just tell me this in the ask

Please let me know what you tag your original content with (specifically if it is not in your bio) 

Please be kind and patient! i am very busy this summer with lots of work as well as running my Summer Studying Challenge so it may take me a little while to do it but hopefully, i’ll get it done as fast as possible

I will be doing these blogrates until Wednesday 22nd July 

Format

URL | not my style | I kinda get it | awwww | I’m loving this! | how did you even come up with this masterpiece!?!??! |

Icon | what is it? | nice | aesthetic™️ | *heart eyes* | I WANT IT NOW THIS IS SO GORGEOUS |

Mobile theme | eh | nice | good | amazing | aesthetic af |

Desktop theme | default | nice | good | amazing | give me the code pls |

Following | no sorry, but you’re still amazing! | I am now omg! | how could I not?!?!! | forever and always ❤️ |

Original content | couldn’t find any :( | nice | great | well done! | I LOVE! | ABSOLUTE GOALS!!! |

i will be tagging my blograte posts with #myhoneststudyblr15k if you wanna blacklist them so your dash doesn’t get filled up!!

Thank you everyone!! <3

[kiyoo-omi]

from my love to you

Hello moots and followers! I just want to say happy new years and heres to 2021 treating us right. I’m not too good with words tbh but here I go!

I really can't believe I'm in a position to know so many great people on here! I’m so thankful that each and everyone of you are so welcoming. Every little likes and reblogs mean so much to me as as artist. But interacting with me makes my day so much better and brings such the biggest smile on my face! I’m so grateful that you guys even bothering interacting with me. I wouldn’t have continued this blog have it not been you guys!! I appreciate it so much and it means the world to me. You guys makes me strive to me a better artist (and writer)! I want to be able to make you guys happy and I hope whatever I do on my blogs bring u guys joy as much as it does me!

I hope to be better moot for everybody (cause I’m just a little too shy to interact with you all) Thank you so much for giving me a place in this community and I love you all!

To my lovely friends!

@lavenderpisces

JEN! MRS. BOKUTO! MRS. AIZAWA! MY BABY MY LOVE MY ANGEL CAKES LIGHT OF MY LIGHT APPLE TO MY EYEE! BOKUJEN AND SHOUJEN SUPREMACY UP IN THIS THIS BITCH 🤪! Aaaahhhh bby I don't know what to say but I love you so much!!! I know I don't show my appreciation as much lately or its been a while! But you are literally a light to my life and I value our friendship so much! I remember our baby talks on here and can’t believe here we are today! I'm counting five/six years girl and I want to celebrate every new year together until we are old as hell. I love when we fangirl, I love our little movie nights, I love getting you gifts, I love daydreaming about our future together and I hope you do too??? Please know I'm literally here for you, I would fight the world and book a ticket there for you if u ever need me to too. Just say the words! Please don’t ever hesitate to hit me up if you ever need to. I hate whatever you you are experiencing that makes you sad, I wish I could be there to fight it away for you! I know this year hasn’t been too nice, but please know that I’m literally just a text or call away! You are my priority. I can't wait for the day where we can see each other one day! I love u so much!

@coralpeachcalm

MIMI! HI!! Asdfghjjkkll sorry if this is a little awkward but I'm so glad you were one of the first person I have had the pleasure to meet! I don't remember who reach out to who but I’m so glad one of us did. I remember us fangirling so much back then! Thank you for being so supportive on my art and literally anything, and I’m so glad to have found you again! Here's to 2021 treating you right! I value you so much and I love you!

@seijuroww

Hi cameron! I hope you’re doing well lately! I just wanted to say holy shit! Im so proud of you and what you’ve done an accomplished! Just seeing you’re growth and journey has been so awe-inspiring. I hope you’re happier lately and im just so happy for you! Please know I’m here for you if you ever need help! I love you so much! 

To my lovely close mooties! 

@chibishae34

Hi SHAE!! Thank you for being one of my biggest supporter back on dinnachusart and just constantly liking and reblogging my works. You don’t know how much it meant to me being a small as artist and trying to scramble for a crumb of notes (XD lol). Sorry if I don't have much words to say I'm just so thankful that you were able to see me grow as an artist and i hope you still do!! Thank you for also being my penpal and please expect something hopefully this month! Here to 2021 treating you good and spending it together!

@datech

HI DIANA!! It’s the way you have my heart! You’re so sweet and adorable, you interaction in anything can brighten up anyones day. I'm still so surprise that were moots! It blows my mind cause I really admired you and your writing and I was intimidated by you!! Now look at where we are now! I’m ur disamu art dealer asddghhjkklldd.Thank you so much for your support on my art! It really does means the world and your comments are absolutely everything. Thank you for being one of the reason I stay on here! Cheers to 2021 love you and you deserve the best!

@sanriobimbo

HI PLUMMIE! PRETTY PLUMMIE SOULMATE!!! I'm so happy and glad we were able to hit is off so well! You’re one of the person I can feel so at ease with! I love our interactions and me just joking around with you lol! Just wanted to let you know that I'm here for you! Don’t ever doubt your writing please! Its the greatest and the world to my eyes! Make sure you take breaks and don't ever force yourself to provide or write! You simple being here is the greatest thing to happen to everybody you’ve come across! You deserve the world and imma fight 2021 if it ever crosses you! Love you lots plummie!

To my mooties who I'm so thankful that you even follow and interact with me!! I be fangirling and get so happy when you do! just know I love you all and appreciate you so much! I hope to see you all grow andsucceed to the absolute best in your life! Love you lots! Cheers to 2021. 

(In no particular order! I’m sorry if I sound repetitive. I’m sorry if you don't considered us moots ill take u off if u don't wanna be on here!)

@tsumtsumland : hope you doing well! Love you lots and ahhh im so thankful for you!! I love interacting with you! thank you for being my penpal and I hope to see more of eachother! I hope 2021 can be kind to you! 🤲🏽🥺💞💞💞

@midnightweeds: hi weeds! I just wanted to say im so grateful for you! Thank you for being so generous and lending a hand when i needed it the most! Thank u for sending me sakusa pictures as well! 🥺💞

@atsumuse: hi lay! ur such a cool person and I admire u so much! I hope 2021 treats you well! I love ur writng please its the best. 🥺💞

@tsukkis-crybaby: hi felicity! ur so beautiful and thank u for our interactions togther! I love seeing you on my dash and inbox! I hope 2021 is a good year for you! kisses for you!😘

@amberalisa hi alisa!! I hope ur doing well! I really love ur suna fic and can’t wait for your other one! happy New Years and I hope this year is a good year for you!!

@hisoillusandwich: hi Mae!! 🥺💞 ur sakusa fic is one of my favs and omg the fact ur interact with me at all my heart! here to 2021 being good to u beautiful!

@prettysetterbaby: hi jj!!! *screaming* you are so beautiful and deserve the utmost best in life! I love seeing you on my dash! thank you for being such a great person and supporting my art! you are so loved and I’m wishing nothing but the best for you! 2021 better treat you right!

@bucketofforks: hi hi bof! I’m so grateful for your interactions! they bring such smiles and laughs, I hope 2021 goes good for you!

@hq-trashies: hi kaley!! love seeing u on my dash sorry if we don’t interact as much! But you are such a beautiful person! Thank u for your book recs! send more my way haha’ I hope 2021 goes well for u!!

@velvesagi: hi jem!! Love seeing u on my dash!! thank u for ur interactions they mean a lot! Here’s to 2021 being a better year for you!

@sunaswife : hi knifey! I found you through ur suna series and I really love it!! I hope 2021 is a good year for you! Thank u for even interacting with u, pretty sure I was fangirlibg! Lol

@lovingnekoma: hi artimes! thank u so much for your interactions! they really do brighten up my day! I hope to be a better mutual to you! I hope 2021 can be ur year!

@inxriyama: hi bunny! 🥺🤲🏽💞💞💞really love ur writing and really enjoy our small interactions together! Here’s to 2021 being a good year!

@kurooblesse: hi tesh! I hope ur doing well and ughhhh please ur writing!! 😩💦 🥴 gives me the hots! Here’s to 2021 being good to you!!

@kenmasbb: hi tia!!! gaawwddd ur writing!! Please give me room to breathe! I really love our interaction and I hope u doing well and happy 2021!

@rintarhue: hi Kopi!! ur smau series are the best and ur rin one is so creative!! such a great writer and I hope to see more from you! here to 2021 being a good year to you!

@shoyosun: hi Marta!!! your art is so cute and can’t wait to see more of it!! thank u for being such a sweetheart and I hope we can interact more! cheers to 2021 being a good year!

@omijime: hi nini!! your so adorable and omg thank u for interacting with me! It means a lot! I hope you Samu, and suna have such a happy 2021 together!

@dxddykeiji: hi Sammy!! I know we don’t interact as much!! but I enjoy seeing you on my dash! thank you for being my moot and I hope 2021 is the best for you!

@radiantful: hi Martha! I’m so thankful for your interactions they brighten up my day! I hope 2021 is good to you!

@ukeishin: hi Celeste! thank u for poppin in my inbox here or there! I love our little interactions and hope we can interact more! I hope 2021 will treat you right! U deserve it!

@ladyrenart: hi Lena! I love your popping in my inbox! they make me smile so much! I appreciate you so much! cheers to 2021 being good to you!

@toniiihime: hi toni!! your so beautiful and your drawings are so cute! I can’t wait to see more! Can’t wait to see you grow! 2021 is ur year!

@aiiishiiiteru: hi nona! I know we don’t interact as much but I looove ur writing!! I’m screamed when u followed back XD! Cheers to 2021 being a good year for you!

@mi-yams: ren wifey!!! I love our interactions together!! you’re so fun and cute! I hope 2021 treats u well!

@darlingoshiki: hi saint! I hope 2021 is good to you! Thank u for popping in my ask here or there and I enjoy seeing on my dash!

@helloaisabelle: hi aisy! I love ur writing!! ur national team got me 🥴🥵 thank u for your interaction and I hope we can interact more! I hope 2021 is the best for you!

@onefortyninecm : hi Danielle! I’m grateful for interactions together m! Your art is amazing!! and you deserve all the love coming your way! you’re very beautiful and I hope I can be a better moot! here’s to 2021 treating you good! 🥺💞

@picassho-18​: hi Kate!! just wanted to say thank you for your support and I love seeing you inbox abs post! Wishing 2021 the best for u!

@inarizakicafe​: hi ni! I know where new moots. But I absolutely love your writing! I hope to interact more with you if that’s okay! cheers to 2021 to be a good year for you!

@itzdaichi​: hi lovely!! I just wanted to say your so sweet and adorable! Your interaction bring so much joy to me! I hope 2021 treats you right!

@tsukkikou​: hi kou! I really love our interactions and thank you for popping in my inbox for a while! It makes me really happy and I hope your doing well!

@suhkusa​: hi hi guys! Just wanted to say I love your writing and I hope 2021 is good to the both of you!

@sunseteyes​: hi gel!! ur so beautiful and I know we don’t interact as much! but I love when we do! I hope 2021 is a good year for you!

@alto-march-of-death​: hi al!! I appreciate our interactions and thankful that you even do in the first place! I hope to be a better moot and wishing 2021 is good to you!

@churochuu​: hi chuu!! I love our first interaction together!! you're art is so cute and adorable! 2021 better treat you right!

to my lovely anons and character interactions whoever you are. you guys absolutely have my heart. im so thankful that you guys even do this for me?? i feel like i dont deserve it. you guys make my day so much and i hope 2021 treat you so good. you dont know how much you guys are appreciated by everyone! love you! 

thank you to everybody for making the remaining month of 2020 one of my best! i love you all! 

[aegialia]

self-indulgent reflection on being on tumblr

so i recently hit 1000 followers on here and this blog has existed for almost exactly 8 years, so i wanted to ramble about tumblr and my experience of it for awhile. under the cut so definitely feel free to ignore this.

i started this blog right around when i was fourteen and had just started high school. at that point, i was out to my parents (and no one else) as bi, i had an inkling i was Struggling with something but i had no idea what and felt like i couldnt actually acknowledge it, and i had left leaning but very vague politics. tumblr definitely has shaped my journey around sexuality/gender/mental health/politics, both for good and for ill. 

for good: 

seeing other ppl talk about being lesbians helped me realize i could be a lesbian w/o being a traitor to the concept of bisexuality. hearing trans ppl talk about their experiences and explaining non-binary stuff and dysphoria helped me understand what i was going through 

i don’t like talking about my mental health stuff in detail on here, but suffice to say, i was Going Through it in high school. i’m still going through it now, but i am in a much better place (thank you medication and 7 years of therapy!). seeing ppl talk about the weird, dumb, awful parts of mental illness let me acknowledge that i was going through those things too, that i wasnt like evil for feeling like that, that i could change. people talking about adhd/autism was particularly helpful---being able to identify why i’d always felt like my brain just didn’t work right is the first step in the (ongoing) process of not hating myself for the way my brain works

politics is definitely the area where i think tumblr was the best for me. i got exposed to so many opinions i definitely wasn’t hearing in school, from intelligent, well-read people who could articulate theory in ways i could understand. tumblr didn’t give me my politics and i didn’t learn everything i know about theory from it, but the communities of people i was around pointed me in the right directions. tumblr was also a good place to learn how to react to criticism. this doesn’t seem to be most people’s experience, but getting called out over minor things on tumblr genuinely helped me learn how to take a step back, look at my behavior, apologize, and try to change, which, as it turns out, is a helpful skill irl as well

for ill:

wrt sexuality and gender, it’s probably pretty obvious someone who’s journey is ‘cis bi girl -> cis with a million different microlabels -> nb w a million different microlabels for both sexuality and gender -> nb butch lesbian who’s not super into romance’ would have some bad times on tumblr. the bi circles i was in made being a lesbian seem like an immoral choice, the ‘’’mogai’’’ (or whatever u wanna call them) circles made me feel like i had to divy up and perfectly label every aspect of myself in a way that really wasn’t helpful for me, the lesbian circles i was in made me feel like being a lesbian was about ending up in a monogamous butch/femme cottagecore relationship and that there was something wrong with me for not really wanting that. to be clear i think microlabels can be very helpful for people/a monogamous butch/femme relationship is a perfectly fine thing to want, they just didn’t work for me. im very very glad ive reached a point in my life where i dont feel the need to stay up to date on the latest discourse and am more focused on finding a way to exist that is comfortable for me and supporting my community irl. 10/10 would recommend to everyone

not going to get deep into it, but social media is. not good for my brain in general. i still enjoy using tumblr, but these days im pretty careful to step back from it frequently and treat it as an occasional hobby. 

the cons of political stuff on tumblr are probably also very obvious. there are some just awful discussions on here and the culture surrounding the way we handle bad behavior and justice and accountability and working to become a better person and make up for the harm you’ve caused has historically been fucking awful and trying to unlearn it and find new ways to engage with this stuff is exhausting. 

for all that i’ve changed over the course of having this blog, this blog has stayed pretty fucking static. i started out being super into diana wynne jones and the iliad and those are still two of my biggest interests and things i talk about the most on here. there are definitely specific things that have petered away (i started this blog almost entirely to keep up with good omens fan stuff and i pretty much haven’t touched it since the miniseries came out, i haven’t sought out pacific rim/supernatural/elementary/mcu content in years), but im still pretty much interested in the same things. i like relatively small fandoms, i like weird side characters, i like to be a grumpy child playing with my toys in the corner. when a fandom im in gets popular, i tend to stop engaging with it entirely (hello rqg/tma/good omens/enola holmes!). i dont think its a pretentious ‘i liked it before it was cool’ thing so much as a ‘people get Weird and awful when a fandom hits a certain level of popularity and there’s too much content and i really, really hate the bad faith arguments larger fandoms tend to spawn’ thing. i’ll consume content from big fandoms, but i pretty much refuse to actually engage with them at this point.

one of the stranger parts of my experience of tumblr is the social side. i’ve never really known how people make friends online---how do you go from liking each other’s posts and occasionally replying to them to actually being friends who communicate off social media? i’ve had conversations with ppl on tumblr and i’ve had sort-of friendships that are contained to tumblr where i’d like to get to know them better, but i’ve never figured out how to do that. my best friend’s job is pretty much to make friends/connections on the internet (she’s an activist and artist), my dad knows people everywhere in the world from twitter, and i’m just sitting here like a little old grandpa who doesn’t understand how you can have internet friends. 

at this point in my life, i’m fine with this, but this has made me feel real fucking bad in the past---like, if everyone online, even the ppl who say they’re weird and brainbad in a similar way to me, can make friends on the internet, what’s wrong with me? particularly in high school and my first year of college, when i was just horribly lonely all the time, it made me feel super disconnected and like there was something fundamentally bad about me. these days, i’m a lot chiller about it. i use social media to engage with stuff i enjoy and share my thoughts about it. it’s okay that my social difficulties extend to me not knowing how to use the internet to socialize.

on a somewhat related topic, it’s wild that i have 1000 followers. obviously, that’s not an actually super large number and a huge number of them are probably bots or inactive. if you post consistently for eight years and follow lots of people, like i do, it’s not a surprise to end up with this many followers. it is also, thankfully, the sort of followers that are not fans. probably most ppl following this blog dont remember why they followed and dont know anything about me or my interests. this sounds like its meant to be depressing but it’s not. i like that my way of engaging w the internet lets me do pretty much whatever i want and no one will care. the mere concept of being. like. tumblr famous in any capacity, even just in one community/fandom, is viscerally horrifying to me. 

i really enjoy the space i’ve created for myself on here. on one hand, going back through my blog is obviously embarrassing and full of hating my past self. on the other hand, i now have a very nice collection of things i enjoy in this blog. i like seeing what i’ve been interested in and (when i’m in a good mental health place) i like to be able to remember how i thought and talked about the things i loved when i was younger. im not at the place in my life where i can love a younger version of myself, but sometimes i can laugh at zir with a level of fondness. 

i’ve always been paranoid about sharing details about my life on here (and the fact that my parents have always been able to see it certainly contributed), so the version of jack on here is a carefully curated version, who’s super enthusiastic about the things they love, was very conscientious about apologizing and trying to do better when ze messed up, and tried to be polite to others. that’s a younger version of myself that i’m closer to being able to have compassion for than the version i find in essays and poems and memories. 

i’m starting grad school in ten days and i’m still using the blog i started when i began high school. tumblr has helped me in a lot of ways and hurt me in a lot of ways, but i still have to admit that it’s been a significant factor in shaping me. i’d be incredibly embarrassed to admit that irl, but it’s true. other than my family and like one friend, this blog is one of the only things that’s ‘known’ me since i started high school. i’ve changed so much in that time and im glad to have this weird little record of myself throughout those changes, even if i’d probably warn my younger self away from tumblr if i could go back in time.

tl;dr i have had a mixed experience on tumblr and i have mixed feelings about that experience. no idea if anyone read any of this very long, very rambling internet memoir

p.s. fun facts about this blog:

i’ve never changed my icon or blog title

i recently got a second version of the poster i got my blog title from. i chose my blog title by looking at what was hanging on the wall directly in front of me. 

my original url was gloomthkin. this was not, as you’d probably assume, an otherkin thing. i had literally no idea what otherkin was at that point. i’d just learned the word gloomth from a bill bryson book and thought it would be cool n edgy to be the child of the quality of gloom. i changed my url after i learned what otherkin was and realized everyone probably assumed something about me that wasn’t true which i hated (not bc i had an issue w otherkin, just bc i don’t like ppl thinking untrue things about me)

during my good omens days, i once sent a tumblr ask to nail guyman which, in retrospect, was kinda rude. i stand by the content but id never send an ask like that now. he replied to it privately in a way that so deeply embarrassed and shamed 15 year old me that i’ve never gotten over it. i still get nervous and embarrassed when i see anything about him or his books

[yamagucji]

a series of thank you’s i’ve been meaning to give for a while now. please note i couldn’t get everyone bc im smol brained and im forgetful :(( also its vedy long so i added a readmore link but if it’s okay then i can remove it!

i would’ve preferred to go to your inboxes/dm’s but im scared t🤢umblrs going to glitch on me if i do it again a ha ha

@doublemoons

i remember you sent in my first ever request and i was SO happy like🥺 my account had no visibility on week 1 but then you somehow found my blog and since then you’ve been supporting me. i love the aesthetic of your blog and i always look forward to your rb’s because they so cute and insightful !! ik we haven’t talked much but i definitely perceive u as a gentle person here’s 1k hearts for you and you only <3

@insanityqueen

please i was *intense squealing* and *happy noises* when you said you wanted to be mutuals :’) im definitely uhhh way too immature for u but you still stick with all the caps and !!! i send you😭 you’re such an interesting, talented person. day 1 you got me HOOKED with your art and im gonna say this again,, i have never seen skin look soo s o f t painted. im really grateful for your company and all your cats and the hinata art you made me🥺 i am not still thirsting over it i swear and then you sent me pieces of your writing and i def expected hc’s but then BOOM🧍‍♀️ im so amazed by your writing. also you are vv pretty i hope you know that

@zephyrria

matching heart memes matching heart memes😾 i don’t talk to you as much but our main form of communication is literally exchanging heart memes w/o a word,,, if that isn’t true love idk what is :// anyway i love our little convos so much it always brightens my day! and omg lets not forget when you made me a drabble back😳 like wha- HUH !! i was so touched i rlly went boom boom woosh bc no ones ever written me one back and i!! that yamaguchi gives me so much comfort. you give me sm comfort, thank you bub <3

@beanst0ck

hehe my first tumblr crush😼 as soon as i deactivated my reading account to my a writing blog i was like “ok bean is on my top to-follow list” like i thought you were so cool and i was vv shy to interact with you🥺 and YOU STILL ARE COOL!! your works are really amazing and i am vv much still in love w my matchup w suga :’)

@killuababie

HHHH GRR BORK BORK I LUB U B NEVER GONNA STOP LOVING YOU BHH💓�� bro,,,, when we switched over to insta it was WILD like— our sense of humor? matched. immaculate. please i love seeing all the memes u send me it makes my day so much like u don’t understand😭 and our convos really go chaos sometimes gkfjdj i love it. u need to pull up and play among us w me sometime 😡

@bewwybun

m-my first spouse🥺 even tho it was a joke the first time and i said sike fkdjdjdj but you still accepted my dino chimken nuggie ring hehe <3 bub your are literally the CUTEST HHHHH LIKE,,, cuteness overload !!! i love talking to you sm and our little exchange of heart memes make the butterflies in my tummy go ✨

@mei-writes

may🥺 imy bub i hope you’re doing well and taking good care of yourself. still very grateful for that time you pulled through to check which of my links weren’t working. and there’s a LOT. like the fact that you took time out of your day for me still baffles me. anyway im lomve you ik we don’t talk as much but you’re still a valued moot to me. im offering u free headpats hehe

@kozsma

hi maria👉👈 you’re so wonderful and rlly amazing w your smaus. absolutely smitten over our chaotic conversations fkfjd we haven’t talked in a while but if you see this just know that i’m here for you <3 take some self care okay? hope you’re doing good bub

@tsukkeisimp

dalia, you wondering being💞 please what did i do to deserve your love >;( we don’t talk much but we have exchanged heart memes before and you’re always out here supporting me whenever you can and like!! tysm bub. i hope you’re feeling better from the last time we interacted, and please do take good care of yourself!

@satorispup

can’t believe you made a reputation of having a piss kink. what power. what energy >>> anyway it’s fun seeing your chaotic energy on my feed/tl. sometimes i won’t even look at the user and say yeah💔 that’s hero alright gkfjdj also you’re so cute what the heck😡😡

@tobiokvgs

[ insert 100 hearts ] this for u bub. im still going crazy over your tsukki lipbalm piece like i was so FLUSTERED you really did that huh😭 you’re so nice and sweet, ty for giving me headbonks as well im really glad to get them😌 hope you have an amazing day bub, and take care!!

@bunnyuuji

cutecutecutest bean ever🥺 you have such wonderful works and im truly in love with your writing😌 also you’re so SWEET WHAT DID I DO TO DESERVE U GKFJDJ literally you weren’t obligated to stop by my ask and check in but u did >:(

@yanderepunkin

hehe ik we haven’t interacted in such a long time but im including you!! bc i appreciate you!! i know you’ve supported me a lot especially when i just started this blog and im really thankful for it. also uhhh im still not over accidentally turning off anon when i was- yeah😿 i wish you all the love in the world, and please do take gentle care of yourself 💓

@ahkaahshi

frannn👁👁🤲 yes im gonna start with how big brained you are. your passion for textiles and improving the environment is vv cool to me. and then there’s the fact you write these hq characters so well. yes i am absolutely still living for your character analysis. i am thriving off of them!! here’s me manifesting kita and/or sakusa to show up in your dreams hehe

@sachirou-senpai

i hope you dont mind me sending u stuff every now and then! anyway im in awe of your writing and art skills. you brought a realistic yamaguchi and i ascended😳 i genuinely think you’re such a cool person but also please take breaks!! ik it’s such an overused phrase but i genuinely mean it. i care u <3

@kenmakodzu

you’re so sweet and you do really be sending me back some heart memes😳 i go BOOM BOOM yaya that’s more to my collection;) also you and your hq anon interactions go WILD omg it really does make my day more interesting whenever i see them😂 also i do be seeing some of ur chaotic energy on my dash and i am HERE for it

@tsukkisbean

hemlo clara🥺 d-do you remember me gkdjshsjs i think its been a while since we interacted. you’re so sweet and AHH lmao did u know we were in a poly with wiss😔💔 yeah❤️ n e way i hope you’ve been alright these past few weeks, and if not, please get some break!

@atsunflower

miya twin supremacy😡 can’t believe you made me swerve over to osamu’s lane because of your amazing writing. how could you. the mf audacity. i rlly do fell in love with that piece do so THAMK U and that also goes for the support you’ve given me💗

@lespaghetti

ozzy👁👁🤝 ngl our conversations have been top tier im glad i got to uhmm,,, get some of these *thoughts* out of my head. you’re such a sweet little bean!!! that art/sketch you did with the purple (?) themed uniforms was really cute. im glad to have u as my moot and *cough* my vip reader *cough*

@sleepykarabou

our heart meme streak was strong until school happened😔 but i really enjoy them tho!! it’s very calming talking to you (fun, but also vv calming idk that’s how i feel) loving the brainrots we give each other of our favs from time to time :’) also omg OSRRY im barely active in the server please spare me😿 im lomve u

@nerdybreadcollaborative

gee!! AHHHH KGFJJD GRRR u sweet bean oh my goodness. where do i start- ??? i’ve already gushed so much abt your writing but here we go again; i love your writing so much and your attention to the little details is so great. they flow so well and i hope u get more visibility bc it’s what u deserve!! also please take care of yourself and don’t work too much u nerdy bean

@nishinoya-is-baby

ely my plant kinnie, my spouse (?) and also the blog that i dump my h word thots on😭❤️ ahhh im lomve you, you’re amazing. from your writing, to your makeup skills, and your room, the talent really ✨jumped out✨thank you for supporting me so much, i genuinely appreciate it. i hope we can stay moots despite me being busy gkfjdj anyway take care bbie don’t work too much okay?

@art0saurus

TATE😤 the amount of hq brainrot you’ve fed me is astronomical. idk how you keep coming up with such good ideas but im all for them!! i love your writing so much and the plots are so *chefs kiss* (yes im still gushing over mermaid!bokuto). thank you so much for sending some bits of positivity into my life, im really grateful for it :’)

@dorkyhaikyu

EL!😼 you sweet bean. wish i could bombard ur asks but school is saying no </3 you’re such a sweet mutual and your writing is absolutely amazing. still kinda hurt over that angst u made💔 but anyway i loved it sm. also please wear safer shoes next time on big events so u dont get any more BLISTERS kgjdjdh jkjk

@chickenwingspiker

nashnashnash🥺👉👈 wth you’re so cute and even cuter with the little emoticons u put in my asks. i really appreciate you taking time out of your day to check in on me. i think your works are really heckin cool, im still very into that sock agenda one and the akaashi fic AHH i love them sm. i hope that u have better experiences with online learning and i really wish you all the best on ur art journey <3

@miyastrology

did u forget abt our walk to the strawberry field😿 jkjk heyyy atlas!! im lomve your theme and your writing. i have the urge to say you’re as sweet as strawberry bc im unoriginal like that💔 let’s just pretend i put something kute :’( n e way u are vv cute, make sure to take care of yourself ok!!

@derpeedoo

your rb’s and comments on ppl works... i just... my heart is full. im complete. i go absolute doki doki for you. you’re such a genuine person and you give people so much love❤️ here’s an unlimited supply of my love to you bc you deserve it. ty for all the cute questions btw🥺

🕊 anon - still wondering if ur one of my already-moots or not😳 but anyway dove anon i have a lot to say,,, like how ?? do u go “ok let’s check in on aaron today hehe” like am i interesting??😭 i feel kinda bad ngl you really don’t have to talk to me. but nevertheless im really appreciate of all the support you’ve given me. i genuinely think you’re a cool person and you do all these fun stuff like photography which is amazing. here’s the biggest THANK YOU i could ever give <3 ps. your art is CUTE and AMAZING @bee-kins

@simping-for-tendou

do i??? spam your feed??😭 you’re always liking my posts and i feel so sorry for spamming but also vv appreciate of all the interaction i’ve had with you!! im very glad i got to ask you qotd and stuff because i got to know that you like plants as well!! thank you for sharing plant facts with me, it really made my day. i genuinely think you’re such an awesome and big brained person for knowing all those facts🥺👉👈

@wissaaltje

ngl i was very intimated by you bc of all your angst and really good works which is probably why i never reached out to you sooner😿 ur my uhhh third spouse <3 but anyway your CHAOTIC ENERGY is thru the roof i love that sm and your writing is so mf beautiful i wish more people got to see it😡 i will gib you flower soup and muddy pie to make you feel better ;) jkjk but you’re very amazing and i hope you know that!

@smolbludandelions

hehe you’re in here😼 thank you ???? for supporting me even tho you’re not obligated??? like wh- i- bub🥺🤲 you have all my heart and i rlly rlyy want to stop by your inbox and give you heart memes but me why >;( i hope you have the most amazing day(s) of your life because you deserve it SO much.

@tadashi-simp

FINALLY someone i can simp over yamaguchi with😭 ik we haven’t talked much but AH i love the conversations we’ve had so far and all that insight you gave me about the new wanda film (truly a blessing bc i was so genuinely confused gkfjdj).

@oikaw-ugh

just. JOLLIBEE. can’t believe one of our first interactions was u sending me chain mail smfh i cannot believe you😭 anyway po i appreciate you so much na kaka tawa ako sa mga msgs mo and all the good vibes u radiate. mag bisaya unta ko nimi pero baka mag nosebleed ako😿 im losing my native languages it’s not even funny anymore but when i got to talk to u in my mother tongue, i felt a bit more at home. thank you bub <3

@makemealive

hihi👉👈 idrk what we first talked about, i think it was spending vacation in the galapagos islands??😭 riding turtles??? what a great way to start our friendship :’) i rlly think you’re cool and i just,,,, admire u from afar- yeah. sorry this message is too chaotic but anyway u might not have a green thumb but look at you growing potatoes accidentally😌 anyway i think you’re cool i just haven’t said it before because im s Hy

@lostsealscreams

seal, bub, i genuinely care about you. you’re such a sweet person. i know we haven’t interacted much but im looking forward to more conversations with you!! please find little fun things to do... maybe do some self appropriation if you can, bc you deserve it. maybe even treat yourself... or any self care tasks that make you feel better. i care about you a lot, im just an ask/dm away if you wanna talk about anything at all💕💞✨

@hqgardenia - jkjk this is my spam account idk why i put this here but here probably bc im dumb as fuck

[jidai]

jidai’s budget mutuals/friends appreciation

Hi, all! I’m quite late with this but I decided to put a small friends and mutual appreciations post in hopes of brightening up the end of this year a little bit. ❤️ If you were tagged, please make sure to check below for a small little message from me. However, I want to make it very clear that I truly appreciate all of my mutuals. You guys brighten up my dash and always reblog or create so many funny and creative posts. I just wanted to give a few special shout outs to those that have taken out the time to reach out and interacted with me past my ask box or we just see each other often.

The messages are ordered by your URL, so you might have to scroll for awhile before you see your messages. I’m so sorry lmao. 

Happy New Years, everyone!

@25th​​, Nonnie, the Young Genius. bro, remind me how old you are 🧍‍♀️ Like my brain CANNOT fathom the thought that you’re so skilled at SO many things and you’re not even in your twenties??? PLEASE SPARE THE TALENT. i will even accept crumbs. But I’m writing to tell you that you are such a wonderful presence on my dash. I always look forward to your gfx. They’re so SO good and you’re improving from one post to another. Like WOW. Now, you’re even starting an art blog, too? You’re so dedicated to the arts. I respect that a lot. Your hard work and commitment will bring you very far in life, whatever you decide to do. 

I love interacting with you. You’re such a big sweetheart and full of positivity and energy. I look forward to seeing more of your art and gfx ❤️

@biscuitwalk​, Dann, the AK Wiz. Dann, I know you’re not as active on here so idk when or if you will ever read this but I want to say that I miss you and your creations so, so much. I will say it a hundred times over and OVER but you inspire me so goddamn much. You have no fucking idea. Your works are absolutely gorgeous and unique. I can look at it once and I can instantly recognize your style (and your cute lil’ pufferfish <3). The way you utilize colors and implement various techniques, shapes, textures into your work. Goddamn, you’re so good. I always look to your work if I ever need inspiration and they help me brainstorm. God, I wish I could put it into words how much I adore your works.

We didn’t really talk for long but you seemed like such a kind and fun person to be around. I wish you the best in your future endeavors, wherever you are. Stay safe <3

@elriccs, Mirai, the Short King. 🧍‍♀️ ok look I know, I know I’m TERRIBLE at replying to you and I’m so fucking sorry. I absolutely love to talk to you but my dumbass cannot seem to reply in a timely manner LASELKSAL. That’s on me and I gotta do better. Anyways!!! Thank you SO fucking much for always leaving such kind messages on my work. I swear to god you’re one of my biggest hype man and I ALWAYS look forward to reading your tags. They’re so funny and it makes me all tingly and happy inside. Bro, like, you just radiate big fun vibes, bro. I really hope that I can get to know you better so I can just insult you until it’s too late to walk away </3

And of course, let me also remind you that I love your works so much. They way that you utilize your textures and those muted colors... OOMPH *chefs kiss* I will always love--

@lockhvrts​​, Em the Soulsborne GOD. hi em 🥺 it’s been awhile since I’ve had a proper conversation with you and I hope you’re doing okay! I miss you and our conversations where we do nothing but geek out and complain about the game industry lmao. if you manage to read this, I just wanted to let you know I miss your presence here. It’s been kinda dull not seeing your beautiful soulsborne gifs and your game rants. Let’s catch up soon. <3 stay safe and well!

@nathanprescutt, Benn, the Man. BENNNNNNNN.  I love you a lot bro. I know we haven’t had long conversations for some time and I hope I can change that! You were my first friend on this blog and I will always appreciate it. I remember us just geeking out over your works and how I would always send you a gfx request like once a week LMAO. The one thing that I have always appreciated about you was the fact that you’re very opinionated (if not, very vocal on your stance on things) and you hold your ground. There were a few time where you encouraged me to speak on topics that I think I shouldn’t and that stuck with me for quite awhile. I’m still a nervous rambling mess when it comes to debates but just know that the one time you supported me to voice my opinion--I hold it very dear to my heart. 

While I don’t spend much time together, I will always remember our animal crossing session. It was  so much fun just trashing and chilling on your island. Especially the bar :( that bar was fucking AMAZING. Maybe once FFXVI comes out, we can geek out hehe

Also, thank you so much for sending in photos of all your doggos, omg. I miss seeing them so much I hope they’re doing well. Stay hot, my German bro lol. Ich bin sehr dankbar, so eine tolle Freundin zu haben. ❤️❤️❤️

@noxdivina​, Lin the Big Dick Daddy Kind. The church is open for business bitch and I’m here to preach the GOSPEL.

Okay, jokes aside, I’m really happy that we became mutuals. You’ve always give off this like, mysterious cosmic vibe (????? huh). And your selfies just further proves that you are wtf. But you’re always so kind to those that you interact with. You’re an absolutely sweetheart and like I just want to give you a giant hug every time we interact. You’re such a soft human being. It’s so nice being around you. It’s like being tossed in the oven and baked at 250 degrees F for 25 minutes. And to boot you’re really talented, hello? God really said let there be a perfect human being and yeeted you into the universe. Thank you for always leaving such kind messages and words in my DM/askbox/works. I cherish them so much. I hope I can get to know you better in the future bc you’re rad, bro <3

anyways, updated drawing of u and maya:

i always assume you’re in a black fur parka 24/7 and maya is coatless neck down. also deck me with those jacked arms of yours thanks  🧍‍♀️

(edit: fuck i forgot to draw a PARTY HAT ON MAYA IM SORRY)

@rokuseis​, Sei, the Dumber.

i have nothing to say to you go away you banana hater ASELKSAEKL

BITCH, you doo bee getting on my nerve 24/7/365 🧍‍♀️ you were an unexpected but a very welcomed addition to my life. I can’t believe we really went 1 fuckin’ year without speaking to each other and then suddenly our friendship blew up because over a stupid BANANA. Now you gotta deal with me and my stupid, random, crude ass messages daily. I cannot. Clown to clown communication. But thank you so much bitch for being there for me and telling all of these funny ass stories and life experiences.

I know I don’t say it a lot because when we talk it’s literally just dogs barking at each other but I want to make it clear now: I love your humor and vibe so much. You never fail to make me laugh anytime I talk to you and I appreciate it so much. I can’t tell you how many times I felt better after talking to you. Even though sometimes your fucking jab hits hard and I end up actually inSULTED BY IT. But thank you for becoming my friend and I look forward to all of our stupid moments together. Looking forward to shitting in your sink when I finally fly to your home <3

@wolfamongthem, Anna, the Grinch. Please don’t hurt me for that title. I'm just saying if someone needs a live casting, it’ll be u. Anyways, did you know that I was so fucking intimidated by you for a long ass time, even before we became mutuals aseljas LMAO. I always see your gifs around on explore and they’re so gorgeous and then I look at your text posts and it’s u roasting people like there’s no tomorrow- 🧍‍♀️ bitch I was SCARED OF U KSKS. Now that I’ve talked to you a few times, you’re really funny like where do you find those reaction memes????? Like bro you and your shitposts is my morning cup of coffee. 

Anyways, in 2021 I expect a full-fledge review of all AAA games from you-- no more shit talking in the tags let it all out BITCH. Thank you for being such a great mutual! I look forward to see what weird shit you will send me the next time we talk lmao

@zenien​​, Selm, the I’m-gay-for-Lady-Maria-or-anything-that-moves-in-BB-Bitch™. ok bitch if I’m being honest I wrote yours last so my brain is FRIED. so everything i say from here is raw from the HEARt cause that’s all I got left. But anyhow, we savin’ the best for last! honestly, i didn’t expect you to barge into my life like that. i really didn’t. i was just gonna keep admiring with my 7 feet (2.1336 meters) pole. I’m glad you made the first move because look where we are wtf 🧍‍♀️ friends??? I wouldn’t believe you if you told me that in 2014 when I first followed you lmao. 

You’re such a kind soul. I know you may disagree but I’m determined to convince you. I can’t tell you how much I want to thank you for taking the time to talk to me during my rough bits. It’s like sitting on a wooden bench in a park during sunset and you sit next to me, just enjoying the vast sky. You radiate such peaceful energy. It’s very calming. Or you know, 2 seconds later i’m suddenly suplexed by your 40 tons of insults like what-- 

Thank you for everything, so far. Truly. It’s been so fun listening to you talk about your Bloodborne journey and see your reactions live. It’s been so fun to see you post your graphics and it continues to blow me away. It’s been so fun hearing about your life and the stories of your adulthood. Every words that we have exchanged, I hold dearly to my heart--more than you ever know. Love u bitch.

[unstoppableforcce]

waves crash. ships don’t. ( epilogue )

The Mandalorian x reader

waves crash- masterlist here

this is the end of the line y’all, I’m so glad you could come with me on this journey. what was supposed to be small snippets turned into my first finished fic in a long time! let’s see what I do next, I hope you’ll join me then too!

Cara just didn’t understand.

The child had been in her care for approximately 16 hours since Mando and you stopped by Nevarro and dropped the child off with her and Karga, citing a particularly dangerous mission on the horizon, something you couldn’t bring the child into. They just needed to watch the kid for a day, at most, just until you could settle what needed to be settled.

That wasn’t what Cara didn’t understand. In the six months since they had left that stormy planet, Mando and you have had to leave the child under their protection twice when your mission to get him back to his people got too risky to have him around.

This was relatively normal.

What the child was doing, that was what she didn’t understand.

She lived through the child attempting to Force choke her out, she watched the fireworks when he burned the fire trooper to death, she had seen him heal Karga and so much more. This was not strange in the magical power respect, this was strange in the child respect.

It walked around the small cantina crawling with bounty hunters, banging his goddamn womp rat head on surface after surface.

Cara had to stop it from grabbing the metallic leg of one of the droids who entered the cantina and crashing its head against its calf. It was the strangest impulse that overcame his little green body.

It didn’t make any sense. She just didn’t understand.

“It’s like it has a death wish.” She cursed, setting the burlap bundle onto the table in front of Karga. “I swear, just wants to bash its own head in.”

“It’s just a child, let it be.”

The child grabbed a puck off the table and stuck it into its mouth, sucking the metal with a cooing voice which only made Karga bellow out with a laugh.

“Going to be just like Mando with these pucks.” He joked, grabbing the puck back and instead flipping on the hologram to distract him.

“Not if he keeps hitting his head against anything he can.”

“Just tell them when they get back.”

She scoffed, leaning back in the booth. “If they’re coming back.”

“Of course they’re coming back, why wouldn’t they?” He furrowed back, stopping his extension of a hand to order a drink, the words catching him so off guard.

Blowing out a breath from her lips, “If I was traveling around the galaxy on fun quests looking for an ancient people with the love of my life and I could leave this little creature somewhere it would be safe, I wouldn’t come back.”

“Mando is a man of honor and purpose.”

“Well, I wouldn’t come back.” She chuckled out as the kid hobbled to her, headfirst, “Not for this monster.”

“It’s a wonder they left it in your care.” He mocked, shaking his head, finishing ordering his drink when the communicator on the table began to buzz. “That them?”

Cara checked it while still trying to hold the stubborn child back. “Yeah, they just docked.”

“Do you stand corrected?”

“I wouldn’t come back.” She reiterated, grabbing the child and shaking her head. “I’ll be back.” She huffed, sliding out of the booth.

“Ironic.”

She just rolled her eyes and kept walking, the child bouncing along in her arms the entire way to the docks.

The Razor Crest had a few more scratches on its hull than the last time it docked, but minor, nothing that would require repairs or anything, eventually they would just blend into the natural character of the ship.

She considered letting the kid down to run up the ramp by itself, but something stopped her before she got the chance. Just far enough around the corner, she was able to spot the quiet moment she was about to intrude on and hang back, keeping the child quiet against her chest.

He had been sat on a crate in the hull, something that wasn’t there last time she went to pick up the kid, so she could only assume it had been whatever you left to obtain. And you had been knelt in front of him, wrapping a bacta patch around his wrist.

It was such a personal moment, she even felt bad eavesdropping as she waited, but she couldn’t help herself.

“That was stupid.” You cursed out first in basic, then followed it with a string of colorful insults in your native tongue, hands working faster to wrap and secure the dressings.

“I know.” He spoke solemnly back to you, the voice low through his modulator, so low Cara was barely able to hear it over the sounds of muffled coos in her arms.

“Don’t do it again.”

He huffed out a breath, almost strained like he was in pain as you pulled the wrap tighter around the wound. “I thought the beskar would take it.”

“Well it didn’t hit the beskar.”

He didn’t need to be told that, he was the one who felt the sharpness of the blade tear through his shirt and skin as he lunged in front of you to take the hit. There wasn’t much of him not covered in beskar, the guy had managed to hit the few inches of unprotected landscape.

But he could manage the small wrist wound. Had he not, it would have been a much larger wound across your neck, he was confident about that much.

One last tear with your teeth at the patch and he was all taped up. But as you stood to gather the rest of the supplies in the small medicine box, he grabbed your wrist and stopped you.

He held your hand tight with his and pulled you in closer as he stood to his own height directly in front of you.

Cara peered around the corner just in time to catch the brief motion, you standing to press your forehead to the equivalent of his on the helmet, shutting your eyes as your skin gently collided with the cold metal. His gloved hand wrapped behind your neck to keep you just as close, the two of you consumed by each other so silently.

It was a solemn expression that painted your face, but Cara nearly swore she saw a brief upturn at your lips.

You two held there, just with each other, for only a few curt seconds before pulling away. She knew very little about Mandalorian culture, she knew even less about you and where you came from, but even she could recognize the action as something so intimate, certainly more intimate than she had ever seen Mando be in the entire time she had been with him. Even since you came along.

It was beautiful. Which was probably why she felt so bad having witnessed something she imagined existed only between the two of you. Something special, something personal, something yours.

Or maybe not just between the two of you.

The child tugged on the armor which kept it contained to her arms, readjusting in her grip to hit its head firmly on her chest plate.

She felt like she was beginning to understand its new and strange habit.

Mando descended the ramp mere seconds later and she had no time to pretend she wasn’t just intruding. And while he went stiff when her presence caught him off guard, he quickly relaxed when he saw it was just her and the child.

“Mission go alright?” She questioned, looking back up the ramp as she set the child onto the floor. Immediately it took off towards where you were working in the weapons closet, not quickly, just a slow hobble, but adorable, whether Cara would admit to finding it so or not.

“Yeah, fine.” He added back just as short, following her stare now, watching as the child hit its head against your calves while you worked.

There was still a smile being suppressed on your lips, but less effort went into keeping it hidden this time, the two of them could very easily see it. The scar on your bottom lips stretched but you didn’t seem to mind it while you worked.

“The kid’s been doing that head thing all day.” She explained, clearing her throat to catch Mando’s attention back from you. “Couldn’t get him to stop.”

“Yeah.” If she didn’t know better, she would say it sounded like a smile cutting through the steel around his head. “Don’t know where he got that from.”

“Me either.” She chuckled quietly, earing a quizzical tilt of his head her way that she felt better ignoring. “I like this for you.”

“Like what?”

“Just.” She blew out a breath, watching as you picked the child up and retreated further into the ship to where she could no longer see, the last image she caught being you with a smile as the kid tried to headbutt you directly. “This.”

He saw it too. He was staring. He was always staring. 

“Yeah.” He nodded, “I like it too.”

Cara knew why he came back for the kid.

-> my ko-fi

(if you enjoyed and would like to help support me, feel free to buy me a coffee, or just ignore this little message if it’s not your cuppa tea)

tags: 

@im-the-nerdiest-of-them-a11 @bva14 @steve-thotgers @bonkybaaarnes @persephonehemingway @scintilla-morningstar r @sarcasm-n-insomnia @jellyfishpoptart @tedpicklez @morgannope @vaultingphilosophy @fan-g0rl @theladyofmanyfandomsofficial @ginger-swag-rapunzel  @afootnoteinyourhappiness @sinon36 (thank you all so much for your continual support, I hope you enjoy’d it all to the end!)

[love-killed-the-superstar]

i havent been drawing or writing pokemon stuff for ages and im currently too busy to make something new in time for drew appreciation day so i thought id post some wip respectshipping stuff under the cut that i dont THINK ive posted before?? if i have im sorry, im a bit dry on drew content rn!!

for context the scenes are taken from a sequel to my respect oneshot, sparks, set during a pride festival!

Ash slipped his hand into Drew's, and Drew glanced at him rigidly.

“What are you doing?” he asked. He didn't need to look to know that May and Brock had noticed, and were giving each other knowing smiles.

“Holding your hand?” Ash said, as though it were the most obvious thing in the world.

“I know that. Why?”

Ash furrowed his brow. “Why am I holding your hand? We're... well, together, Drew.” It felt weird to say it out loud, and his frown melted into an elated smile. “We're boyfriends. And this is a festival celebrating the kind of relationship we have. Isn't this the best time to do it?”

Drew's cheeks began to burn under the unspoken pressure. Of course, he liked to touch Ash in private, hold his hands and cup his cheeks and kiss him, but public displays of affection had never been his thing. Giving out roses was different, of course – it was part of the charming persona he put on. He wasn't ashamed of his sexuality, and he certainly wasn't ashamed of Ash; but there was a time and a place for physical affection, and in the middle of a crowded street wasn't what he considered an opportune moment.

“We... we don't do this out in the open, Ash,” he reasoned. Ash shrugged.

“If you're sure.”

Ash dropped his hand, and at first Drew felt relief. But just moments later, he realised how cold his hand suddenly felt without the familiar warmth of Ash's.

With a huff, he grabbed it back.

“Jerk.”

...

“I'll only enter this contest if you enter the battle tournament.”

“Like hell. I don't get my kicks from raw power battles, sorry.”

“And I don't get my kicks from showing off how pretty my pokemon can be, but I'm willing to compromise. This is like, a couple activity. You know, so we can bond.”

“You know contests are about so much more than beauty, Ash. For the record, they say it's healthy for couples to not do everything together.”

“And we don't! We hardly see each other when we're travelling, so this'll be a special occasion!”

Ash and Drew were bickering again, as usual, though Brock had to admit it was far more entertaining seeing them argue over trivial matters such as 'couple activities' than having to watch them stew in their own feelings for the past few years. Getting to see them comfortable around each other was refreshing.

“Look, battles aren't romantic – contests aren't romantic! It's about you and your pokemon, not about you and your pokemon and your annoying boyfriend and his pokemon.”

“But I already told my mom we'd be battling together! She's recording it!”

“Your mother needs a new hobby that doesn't involve snooping on our relationship at any given moment,” Drew quipped, but he seemed a little less defensive at that. “She's really gonna be watching us?”

Ash patted his shoulder. “I told you she's trying to be supportive. She was excited when I mentioned the festival to her, actually. She asked me to pick her up a souvenir, like a badge or a wristband or something? And she was all, 'tell Drew I said hi!' so... yeah, she said hi.”

“And you're only mentioning this now.” Drew threw up his hands in exasperation. “Didn't it cross your mind to tell me earlier?”

“That she said hi?” Ash quirked an eyebrow. “My bad? Look, she asked me to call her tonight. If you want, I'll let you listen in.”

Drew clasped his hands together. “Maybe I'll... say hi back,” he said, licking his lower lip nervously. Ash grinned.

“You know, I think she'd like that.”

“This is heart-warming and all,” Brock smirked, finishing the last of his coffee, “but if you guys don't hurry up and compromise, you'll run out of time to sign up.”

And with that, their bickering was back to square one.

...

Delia's face appeared on the screen and she smiled warmly.

“Well hello there, Ash! Are you enjoying the festival so far?”

“Oh yeah! It's amazing. I never knew how big Sinnoh's gay community was until now.”

“Well, I'm glad you're having a good time. You're participating in the tag team battle tournament tomorrow, right?”

Ash's face fell slightly.

“I don't know. I was meant to be taking part with Drew, but he isn't so big on battling, so we haven't signed up yet.”

“Well, I'm sure you'll work it out,” Delia said with a sympathetic smile. “And how is Drew doing? Did you tell him I said hello?”

Ash's eyes lit up.

“Yeah, he's doing great! Actually... he talked about saying hi back. If you wanted to speak to him.”

Delia blinked in surprise.

“Oh, he wanted to talk to me?”

Ash smiled consiprationally.

“He'll never admit it to me but he really wants to make a good impression on you, Mom.”

Her cheeks were pink with pride and she chuckled lightly.

“Very well, hand him over.”

Unsurprisingly, Drew stepped out from just beyond view of the camera – Delia realised he was listening in the entire time, but decided to keep this revelation to herself for the time being.

“Why hello there, Drew. I suppose this is the first time we've talked since you two made the announcement.”

He nodded sheepishly.

“Yeah. Um, Ash and I don't travel together often. We parted ways after the visit, so... yeah. You're looking well, ma'am.”

“Oh please, call me Delia,” she said with a dismissive wave, then smiled. “I'm so excited to see the two of you compete in the tag battle tournament tomorrow!”

If Drew had been on the fence about it prior, he certainly wasn't anymore.

“Yes! Uh, we're looking forward to it, aren't we, Ash?”

Ash, looking both flabbergasted at the turn of events and also ecstatic at the news, nodded hastily.

“Yep! That's right, and the day after we're entering the pride contest! Since we're trainer and coordinator, we thought we'd do both!”

Ash grinned at his mother (mouthing how did you do that?? towards her) and she gave him a knowing wink in return.

“How wonderful! I've heard your coordinator skills are marvellous, Drew! I'm looking forward to it. It's a shame I couldn't be there in person.”

“Not sure this is your kind of scene, Mom,” Ash said with a laugh. “But it's been great! I got you a wristband, it's rainbow like a pride flag!”

“How sweet! Did you pick one up for Mimey too?”

Ash beamed and fished a pair of wristbands from his pocket.

“You know I did! Nothing but the best for you guys!”

“Mimey's been so excited for you too, dear. We'll wear them with pride!” She giggled at her own joke, and then clasped her hands together.

“By the way, you two, I was wondering how you would feel about the three of us sitting down for a meal in Pallet Town after the festival.” Her gaze flickered between the two of them. “You know, so that Drew and I can get to know each other better.”

Ash found the scar on the end of his ring finger suddenly very interesting to stare at.

“I don't know, Mom. I mean... maybe the timing isn't-”

“Sure, Mrs – uh, Delia.”

Ash glanced up in surprise at Drew, whose facial expression didn't give away his nerves like his shaking hands did, carefully out of Delia's view.

“Drew, you mean it?”

“Of course.” He offered Ash a quick smile. “Delia, I look forward to visiting again.”

“Wonderful!” Delia clapped her hands together and beamed. “Well, boys, I have to be going, but I'll be taping the matches! Good luck, both of you!”

The moment the call ended, Drew trudged back up to the rooms and headed over to his bed, flopping down rather ungracefully face first. Ash perched on the end of his own bed.

“Your mom is nice,” Drew said after a while, face emerging from his pillow. Ash chewed his lower lip.

“She means well, she really does want you to know each other now we're dating, but... we don't have to do this dinner if you're not ready for it.”

Drew opened his eyes to peer at Ash incredulously.

“What? No. I didn't just agree to it because your mom was giving me the same look you give me when you want something. I'm ready for this, you know? I want your mother to like me. I want to know the person who helped make you who you are.”

He took a deep breath.

“May finding out about us... it opened my eyes. For years I worried about what people would think of me if they knew. Then I realised, the world isn't one big contest. When it comes to who you are, the only one whose judgement matters is you.”

“Drew...”

“You mean a lot to me, Ash. I want to be a part of your world, and I want to introduce you to mine.”

“You sap.” Ash moved over to Drew's bed and rested his head against Drew's shoulder. “I'd really like that, though. I know our journey has been pretty rocky, but I just love being around you. And now we can be open about it, I've gotten so excited.”

Drew pressed a kiss to his forehead, and grinned.

“Now who's the sap?”

[koyurim]

its okay to not be okay 15-16 (fin)

the payoff of a tightly-woven, effective story is the happy ending feels so earned and emotional. even though we’re saying goodbye to our trio, i know that they’re going to be staying in my heart for a very long time. 

cw: blood, choking, attempted murder

in these last two episodes we get a bunch of satisfying reversals!!!!!!!!! now that moon-young is trying to create distance between her and the moon brothers, the moon brothers are the one who stubbornly stick to her side. typically, i despise the ‘we must separate bc you wont ever be happy with me’ plot device that typically appears at the tail end of a drama, but this felt really in line with moon-young’s growth and ability to understand herself. in the beginning, moon-young does whatever she wants without regard to how she imposes herself on others, however, with her mother’s reappearance, she really pulls back because she now sees that she can cause harm AND she cares about kang-tae/sang-tae and DOESNT want to harm them anymore!!!!! so this withdrawal didn’t feel pointless/just there to create drama. 

however, as kang-tae learns from director o, just because we harm and are harmed, doesn’t mean we can live alone (humans are social creatures). human relationships are messy and hard and acknowledging that your relationship wont be perfect, but that doesn’t mean you’re not willing to put in the work to be messy together!!!!!! kang-tae winds up saying many of moon-young’s former lines to her, and in this way, she sees that her impact on him is not just a negative one. his confession was a hilarious and powerful moment where we see how much he’s learned to lean into his emotions and how much restraint shes grown herself. she’s helped him grow so much and he’s willing to fight for them to be together even though it may be a hard path to overcome the reality of what happened with their mothers. 

moon-young also gets love from everyone around her, from sang-tae, juri and her mom, and jae-su. and this community helps her understand that the warmth we show each other keeps us going and keeps us grounded. and she decides to accept the love they give her into her life. from accepting this love and learning that she has the capacity to love, i think moon-young’s reached a point in her journey where she no longer has to write fairy tales to communicate with the world. and im SO PROUD of her. 

and through this, we at last, we get our HAPPY ending!! but this ending is not theirs, it’s only their beginning. as juri’s mom says, they all have a lot of learning and growing left to do, but they’re now in the position where they can actively pursue that instead of just coping!!! kang-tae can learn to nurture himself and pursue what he wants in his future studies. sang-tae is learning to be independent and grow up apart from his brother. these brothers finally have developed a secure enough attachment, where the show can end with them parting ways for the first time in their lives. and moon-young gets to have the family that she didnt grow up with and live with the care of those around her/that exists within herself. they still fight and bicker, but they also get a chance to BREATHE now that theyve formed healthy boundaries. their camping trip feels like a reset before they face the world again on their own terms, to find their own happiness. 

our side characters also get the conclusions they deserve!!!!! particularly JAE-SU!!!!!!!!!!!!! i was so happy he got the recognition for being such an amazing friend to kang-tae all these years. when kang-tae finally called him hyung, we see how much kang-tae’s grown to understand having a big brother is not a curse/burden. and he finally is at a place where he can accept all the love that jae-su gives him. jae-su also gets a great moment with sang-tae where sang-tae decides to quit. we see that jae-su has also been relying on the moon brothers for company and friendship, but now they’re all at a place where they can healthily pursue their own paths while still holding each other in their lives. im excited for jae-su to make his own life!!! 

juri’s mom also gets the appreciation she deserves from the moon brothers, as their ‘fake real mom’. she’s truly the BEST mom in the world! she doesnt try to control any of the characters and just speaks truthfully to them, encouraging them to grow while looking out for them!!!! ugh! juri’s a lucky daughter. 

juri and sang-in’s ending was also cute enough for me, but not too much! i think their relationship will be slow going and im glad that nothing was rushed. the decision to stay in the countryside was also nice, i love that we dont have to ‘go back to the city’ to resume/have lives that are worth living. 

we also get to see how much the patients have grown on their journey. there’s still lots of healing to be had for each of them, but they’ve grown so much. it was heartwarming to see old patients come back and smile with each other, they’ve all formed a really supportive community. and (again) im so proud. 

overall, this finale felt so well earned. the growth didn’t come out of no where and the emotions were all so raw and human. i still didn’t believe that nurse park was moon-young’s mom, but i dont think the point is how believable that part is, rather the focus and point is the emotions that moon-young goes through when she faces her mother who’s haunted her for so long. even though, i wasnt convinced by how moon-young’s mom became nurse park, i was glad the show didnt focus on those logistics, because, truthfully, they are irrelevant to our character’s growth and journey. i keep saying this over and over again, but i am in love with the emotional journey and growth that this show took us on. the story was so well planned and written and i think there were very few missteps in the drama. im so sad to part ways with the troublesome trio, but i know they’re going to be starting journeys to find their own paths and they’ll all have each other along the way.

additionally, when it comes to moon-young and kang-tae’s relationship, i really appreciated the frankness that the show approached sex and intimacy. it wasn’t some taboo subject, but it wasn’t overhyped/things weren’t needlessly sexualized. also once, moon-young and kang-tae settle, touch is effortless/not made into such a big deal and their comfortability with each other was a fantastic touch. i can continue to see them growing with each other, calling each other out on the other’s bullshit, loving and supporting one another, and finding new adventures each day together.

thank you to moon-young, kang-tae, sang-tae, and the rest of the cast and crew for your vulnerability in bringing us along with you on your journey.  i wish you all the best!! 

[thathonleygirl]

The Beginning

November 2019 – June 2020 Background

I decided to start this documentation of my journey into motorcycling for many reasons, mainly because I want to work on my writing skills and sometimes it’s nice to take a break from the mindless scrolling. I also think I’ll enjoy going back and reading this when I’m less of a rookie I’ll be recreating the timeline from the MSF course to the present from memory. I decided to dive into motorcycling as a hobby for myself, and also as a hobby for me to share with my boyfriend of 2+ years, Chris. Ultimately I can confidently say he inspired me to ride on my own and has been so supportive every step of the way.

November 2019 – MSF Class & getting my motorcycle endorsement I remember this weekend like it was yesterday. It was a freezing weekend and I’m out in the parking lot of RCCC bundled up from head to toe. I was happy it was cold because I was super nervous and excited, and heat stresses me out. There’s about 15 of us in the class, and right off the bat everyone is super friendly because we’re all here for the same thing – there was defiantly a wide range of skill levels and reasons for taking the class – but we’re all there for the same class. The two teachers of the class were AWESOME, and I’ll remember them for the rest of my riding career. They took us through the basics – controls, friction zone, etc. and soon we were riding through the first set of drills. My bike was a Kawasaki Eliminator from the 1800’s and it kept shutting off due to the cold weather. It also was impossible to find neutral, even the instructors couldn’t find it – I was just relieved that it wasn’t operator error. At the end of the 1st riding day they both told me they were impressed and proud of how I did – which meant so much to me considering I had never touched a clutch before, lol. The second day was a little rough, but still a success, mainly because I began to overthink every little thing because I knew there was going to be a test at the end of the day. This is when I first learned the importance of your headspace when on the bike, and how too much anxiety can be catastrophic. That being said, I still passed the class and got my endorsement the next week I really wish I had gotten the contact info for the people in the class, but the excitement of passing the class got the best of me.

March 2020 – Meeting Jolene I’d be lying if I said the process of bringing Jolene home was smooth, and the truth is I have a newfound hatred for dealerships and salespeople, LOL. But it was all well worth it. I went to Team Charlotte Motorsports with the intention of buying a Honda Rebel 500 in all black, but was disappointed when they didn’t have the right colors, and the bike just didn’t feel right when I first sat on one. But oh boy, when I first sat on Jolene I knew she was the one and I knew I had to have her. I’ve always been super laid back but when my mind is set on something, I get DETERMINED. After leaving the dealership because the price was too high, I began to obsess. After a week of negotiating and an extra fiery in-person negotiation, I finally got the price I wanted and Chris rode her home the next day. The whole process was rewarding in the sense of getting what I want and not backing down!

March-April 2020 – Attitude Adjustment I was off to a ROCKY start, and a few times I lost a lot of hope and had a lot of “WTF did I get myself into?!” moments in my first few loops around our neighborhood. My bike felt 100x heavier and harder to maneuver than my Eliminator, and my nerves were getting the best of me. I was scared to even let out the clutch at first. But after a few times stalling, I was doing loops in first gear around the neighborhood. On the third round of neighborhood loops, I was having a moment overthinking a left turn from a stop sign, and dropped the bike after it stalled and jerked in the middle of the turn. It was a devastating moment because my immediate reaction was that I just ruined my brand new bike in less than 100 miles, and the salt in the wound was the fact that I couldn’t pick the bike up. Luckily, a good Samaritan neighbor was close by with help, and the bike was totally fine (just wasn’t in neutral so it wouldn’t start). Not even a scratch, I’m a lucky girl. I spent some time feeling sorry for myself and hopeless but that was getting me nowhere. In that moment, I realized one theme in all my “practice” – I was scared of my bike, and was not taking control over her like I should be. I began to try and change my mindset, and just love the fuck out of her like she was my best friend. It’s crazy how much your mental state affects performance, especially on a motorcycle. As my attitude shifted, so did my confidence and success. After endless neighborhood loops and sideways stares from the neighbors, I finally made it out on the road (just down the street to the nearest park, but out of the neighborhood nevertheless! That was a game changing feeling for me. That is what it’s all about.

April 2020 – Real Deal At this point, im still having pretty intense nerves before every ride, but I have made it out of Edison Square (finally). The first ride ALL THE WAY out of the neighborhood was me following Chris who was driving his truck, leading me on what would become my trusty loop. We wanted to take some pictures for Instagram, which I’ve been trying to grow since I got Jolene. The biker community on social media is AWESOME, it’s incredible how many other riders around the world I’ve gotten to share experiences with and learn from, most importantly being able to “meet” other girl riders. Anyways, during that first mini trip following chris I finally made it into 5th gear and got into some twistys, I was smiling so hard in my helmet the whole time. I feel so close to my bike now and with every ride I feel more in tune, and less intimidated by her. I almost feel like she’s a horse or something, lol. We stopped to take some pictures in front of some office building which was empty because Covid – I felt so uncomfortable taking pictures but Chris was such a good sport in trying to get the best angles LOL. The whole Instagram thing has defiantly taken me out of my comfort zone – but so has riding as a whole – and I never want to go back. After this trip, I started going out on the same trip as much as I could, but still was having intense pre-ride jitters – but with every ride, I felt less anxiety and I could actually enjoy and have fun while still learning and practicing the basics. The post-ride bliss, however, was always an amazing feeling and I noticed that on the days I did get out to ride, I felt more at ease and generally better for the rest of the day. Meanwhile, we are still waiting on chris’s bike to be done getting worked on.

May 2020 – First Group Ride We finally got chris’ bike back after SUCH a long time. It’s crazy how much I worry when he’s riding his bike with me driving the car; but I don’t worry at all about myself when I’m riding lol. Side note – I’m such a lucky girl to have chris and he amazes me on a daily basis. I love how he set up the group ride, knew the route we were going to ride and also planned out how we would meet up with our two friends along the way. Before this ride, I finally just felt excited for the ride, and less nerves in the pit of my stomach. I found myself agonizing over which placement in the lineup I wanted to ride in, weighing out the pros and cons of each – I had to keep reminding myself that I don’t know shit, there’s no point in worrying, and just to trust chris (that option hasn’t let me down yet!) Side rant – im realizing as I ride more and more miles that most of my fears have been irrational. It starts with me conjuring up a situation that I feel would be dicey on a motorcycle, then I obsess over all the possible negative outcomes in those situations, and then I obsess over when I will come across them in my journey. So far – I have not been right a single time. For example – left turn at a yellow blinking light – I wanted to actually reroute my ride to avoid this, but when I was forced to do it, I rode through it with NO issues. It’s crazy what a whirlwind our minds can conjure up with little to no reason or backup to support our fears. Long story short, I need to get over myself and go with the flow, and take each learning experience as just that. Again, chris’s patience is remarkable. Back to the group ride – it was awesome. I was again, smiling so hard in my helmet as chris and I chatted through the turns, as he’s telling me how proud he is of me and just having all the good feelings along the way. So glad we went with the Cardo systems, I can’t imagine the ride without them. We rode over 100 miles through the country around Midland and hit a bunch of turns. I got to practice things I don’t necessarily enjoy, like stoplights, a LOT which was great. I still need to work on speeding up my starts especially turning starts. Getting home from the ride was a great feeling, it’s such a high – the post ride bliss. We got to head to the beach right after for a long weekend, which was much needed. We came home from the beach and chris surprised me with a longboard, which I had been talking a lot about wanting lately. Words just aren’t enough to describe how grateful I am to call him mine.

May 26th 2020 – 2nd Group Ride It’s been raining for the past two weeks, pretty much ever since we picked Chris’s bike up from the shop. Side note – Chris and I are doing a watermelon cleanse from Tuesday through Friday, and we were at the end of day 1 at this point. I didn’t realize how much of a toll the fast had taken on me until I started riding, I was overthinking every move I made and just felt unstable overall. Everything just felt harder, and it was such a reminder of how much your mental state affects your riding. Overall the ride was great and I’m so glad we got out and rode though, the country roads were beautiful and the temperature was just perfect at around 70. I guess I need to focus on the positives here – that the ride was beautiful, we didn’t get caught in the rain and I got to experience new roads. And of course got some great pics. I’ve officially become that girl who takes pictures in the parking lot for Instagram, but I really don’t care because it’s been fun building my social media presence.

May 31st 2020 – 300 milestone Well, I finally did it – I hit 300 miles on the bike, the halfway mark to my first 600 mile service, lol. Last night’s ride was absolutely perfect, I couldn’t have asked for better weather (mid 70’s, not humid at all) and feeling the crisp air as I was passing my previous top speed at 60+ mph was an unmatchable feeling. Every time I have a ride like this, I always think to myself, “This is what it’s all about.” My headspace was at a great spot and I felt confident and smooth throughout the ride. My starts were quicker and more fluent, my turns were smooth and I had less anxiety and anxious thoughts about shifting gears and going through the motions of riding in general. It’s crazy what a few days of healthy food and relaxing will do to your mind – this ride compared to the last entry was like night and day. We took the bikes to Mac’s Speed Shop for dinner – I was excited to ride my own bike there. Once we pulled up and Chris quickly whipped around to back his bike into his spot, I was reminded of my severe performance anxiety yet again, lol. I really need to get over the thought of people watching me and get over myself, people are going to watch what’s right in front of them, and a girl on a bike is sort of a rare occurrence. I feel like when people watch me, specifically men, they are just waiting for me to mess up because how could a girl like me be on her own bike? In reality, I’m sure they are barely even thinking about me at all, LOL. That brings me to something I really need to work on in general. I get really anxious when people watch me and I really need to make a conscious effort to work on getting over that. People are not worried about me – I know this – but rational thoughts get tossed out the window when I’m placed in front of a crowd. This trait of mine exists in every avenue of life – whether it is work, play, whatever; and I need to take time to grow out of this. I think it will help me have less social anxiety and will probably help my confidence which will have residual effects like an improved posture and overall sense of stability. I just wonder if this is a habit that can just naturally be broken with practice/repetition or is this something that requires more attention and effort to fix. Wow – such a rabbit hole, lol, but I doubt anyone will even read this. Back to the ride – I have absolutely loved the feeling of making it home from a successful ride, or “post – ride bliss.” Chilling on the couch with my honey after a perfect ride (for both of us) is my ideal Sunday evening. Chris’s longboard finally came in so we were able to skate over and get ice cream before we called it a night. I just love our life together and think that we truly have the perfect relationship that is a mixture of best friends and lovers that just keeps getting stronger and better with time. I am so happy. With our economy tanking due to a virus in our country that’s being burnt down all around us, he is my peace. To work on –faster upshifting –downshift through EACH gear when approaching a stop (stop banging down all the gears without releasing the clutch in between) –get over performance anxiety –work on maneuvering the bike when off (in and out of parking spots, getting gas, backing out of garage, etc) –ride the bike into the garage myself! I’m so blessed to have Chris to help, teach and support me on this journey. He reminds me I don’t need to be able to do everything immediately but still pushes me to learn and become a better biker when he knows I’m capable of doing something.

June 11 – Making Progress Two big milestones this week. The first is installing my mini floorboards, the second being my skills improving on the bike. Last night Chris and I rode to Gamestop to pick up a Tony Hawk game, and I was nervous for the ride beforehand given the newness of my floorboards along with the general nerves I get before a ride. The ride ended up being AWESOME. I made sure to pay attention and downshift completely through each gear when coming to a stop, and I was able to do it successfully most of the time, lol. Also had way faster starts, and beat Chris out of the stop lights a few times. The feeling of just riding with no traffic or light in sight is unmatchable, especially in 5th gear when it feels like nothing can hold Jolene back. During these stretches of the ride, my thoughts are always revolving around THIS being what it’s all about, THIS is riding, and this is freedom. It’s an unmatchable feeling. I also felt good when we pulled into eastfield for dinner because I was able to smoothly maneuver around the parking lot that was semi-full without issue. Also I didn’t need help when leaving the parking spot outside of gamestop. taking rides after work used to be kind of a fear of mine, and I was usually reluctant to take them in fear that I would be too braindead after a full workday. The ride last night, however, proved this fear wrong. I think no matter the time of day, day of the week, temperature, WHATEVER it may be, it’s all about your headspace and that is the greatest determinant for the outcome of the ride. I’m glad that I’m starting to feel less and less anxiety prepping for and starting out on each ride, the stomach aches and general feelings of fear are melting away with every mile in the seat. Soon I’ll be scheduling my 600 mile service To work on be more gentle when downshifting, especially to first. Stop stomping on the poor shifter ride the bike into the garage myself keep improving engine breaking/downshifting completely through each gear to 2nd or 1st

June 13 – Passing 500 on my first real trip So many milestones (literally) passed this weekend! 1 – passed the 500 mile mark & 2 – first 100+ mile trip! Minus one close-call, the whole trip/day was amazing with my love. We first headed out to Asheboro Harley Davidson dealership, stopping at a couple gas stations along the way. I passed my previous top speed and managed to hit 65+ mph, and I don’t know if that was Jolene’s limit or if it was user-error. Aside from the wind feeling like it was going to blow me off of the bike, it felt exhilarating to ride fast on the open highway. After we left the second gas station, I was following Chris (a little too closely) and the left turn we were supposed to take snuck up on us so I locked up my brakes and skidded (loudly) down the street, fishtailing straight down the street, missing the turn. Mid-way through the skid, the only thought running through my head was “fuck, we’re going down.” Somehow either my reflexes or my guardian angel, or a combination of the two, were looking out for me and Jolene stayed upright. Somehow I knew to kind of let go of the breaks and handlebars and let the bike do its thing, and sure enough I was able to straighten out and stay upright. It was a sobering experience for sure, and it took a little while to gain my confidence back for the rest of the ride. Chris is a patient angel though. We made it to the Asheboro Harley dealership to pick up our poker chips and chill for a little bit, and we were surprised to see it was crowded. It’s such a nice dealership though, they had a food truck serving Greek food, free beer on tap and the MSF course happening in the parking lot that we could watch while eating our lunch. Chris and I talked about how we always feel like outcasts from the “Harley crowd” but the people we talked to were nice. It started getting late so we headed out to the next stop, the Moonset general store near Uwharrie and Badin Lake. The rest of the ride was uneventful, and Chris and quickly became exhausted lol. I kept wondering to myself if I would always feel this tired from riding. It’s just such a mental thing that takes your full attention and effort at all times, and being hyper-aware of your surroundings at all times. There’s also the physical side of riding that involves every extremity in unison just to work the bike controls. I think that’s what makes coming home from a trip feel so rewarding. Once we made it home, we got burgers at Eastfield and called it a night after we both fell asleep on the couch lol. We took a short ride to pinky’s after detailing the bikes on Sunday and that was also a great ride. Short and sweet.

June 23 – Ready for 1st Service The more experience and riding I’ve gotten, the less I feel the need to write and blog which is a good thing more time spent actually riding. Passed the 600 mile mark and trying to schedule my service appointment this week after I install my new Vance and Hines pipes on Wednesday, so pumped for the new sound and look. I’m feeling so much more comfortable now riding, still have a few things I want to work on but when I think about the first few times I took Jolene out and compare that to how I feel riding now, it’s almost like I’m a whole new person. The things that used to scare me to death are things I can do without thinking twice now. I’m learning that the faster I go, the more comfortable I feel, and that the fears I used to have are pretty irrational. Over the weekend Chris, his mom and I went on a ride through the country before it got too hot outside. It made me happy to see how happy Chris’s mom was after the ride. We talked about how great of a teacher he is and how supportive he is every step of the way. The next day, Chris, his brother and I went on a ride to Statesville Harley and got lunch at Grouchos (Chris chose for me because I always talk about how ive always wanted to eat there, hehe). It was a great ride, minus almost running over a snake haha. One other biker that was at Grouchos joined in with us for part of the ride home, then another biker on the road joined in too. It was cool to hold up the middle, lol. Chris said I did a good job. The sense of community in the biker world is something amazing and it makes me so excited for the future, and how many cool people I will meet along the way.

[wisdomvillage-blog]

Courageous Transformation Starts Here

On our website, right under our name Wisdom Village, it says,

“A center for human connection, soulful learning and courageous transformation.”

The last two words have stuck with me lately.

“Courageous transformation.”

What does that look like?

Brene Brown, a vulnerability researcher, believes that courage and vulnerability go hand in hand, in fact that they are the same.

So when we ask you to courageously transform, we’re asking you to be vulnerable.

On transformation, comparative mythologist Joseph Campbell says, “The Hero’s Journey is about a transformation of consciousness through trials. You’re thinking in this way and now you have to think in that way. [...] The basic motif of the Hero’s Journey is a death and resurrection [...] in order to get out of a posture of psychological dependence into one of psychological self-responsibility.”

We believe that to go on this journey of transformation requires conjunct courage and vulnerability. In this light, I would like to share the story of one of my recent transformations.

It is not my intent in sharing this to evoke sympathy, but rather to vulnerably offer my story in hopes that someone may resonate with it, feel less alone, and see that since I’m writing this now, I must be alive.

Looking back to a year and a half ago, I see my adventure in Peru as one of the most transformational journeys of my life. When I left, I told my family that I needed to find out who I would be if I had been born on top of a mountain alone. This was true on a certain level, although a more vulnerable version of the truth came out once I arrived in Peru. The first night that I spent in the jungle before working with Ayahuasca I couldn't sleep so I walked out to the balcony and started an audio recording. This is a dictation of what I said that night. This was the scream of my soul telling me that something was wrong enough (and that I was at enough of a loss for what to do) for me to seek a potentially deadly medicine in hopes of somehow staying alive.

Dictation of audio: first night in Iquitos when the rain couldn’t put me to sleep

“I don't think I want this anymore; this..this being. This having to keep being. This having to maintain. This having to keep fighting off the pain: the pain I cause myself in the head and the pain I cause other people. I just want to give it back, but I don't think I want to die because that's going to hurt more people. I want to stop hurting people. I just want to be and be okay. But I don't know if that's possible..to be and be okay without being not okay. I'm sorry. I'm sorry for everything. I'm sorry to myself. I'm sorry to others. I don't know how to do this. Is this all there is: this physical polarity, this nihilism, this nothing, this nothing means nothing, this everything means nothing, you can make it whatever you want? Because I can't make it what I want. I've tried to make it what I want. I just want to be happy and healthy. I just want to be okay but I can't be okay. I haven't been able to be okay. I haven't been able to not hurt others. I don't know how to do this. I’m sorry.

I think there must be a truth. I hope there is a truth: something to make it okay.

The Buddhists were onto something when they said life is suffering because god this is hell............. and I don't know if that truth is outside of me or inside of me or both. I don't know if I have to go somewhere or do something to find what's inside of me. Fuck. The key is in my hand and the door is in myself but I don't know how to unlock it. I don't know how to use this key to go through this door, and I don't want to die before I find it. I hope that it's actually there.. because if it's not there then I don't know what I'm going to do.

I just want it to stop. I just want to go to sleep. I want to go to sleep without hurting anyone. I’m sorry k****. I’m sorry m**. I’m sorry d**. I’m sorry j**. I’m sorry j*****. I’m sorry s*****. im sorry for everything. I'm sorry. I just want to give it back. I want to give this life back. I want to go to sleep. I just want it to stop... I want it to stop.

Everything that I’ve used to try to make it stop is a mirage and a mirror, a trick, a child's toy. the cigarettes and the alcohol and the weed and the sex and the falling in love and the wanting to fall in love and have the fucking honeymoon period. It's all just a fucking game. It's all just a trick. It's all cheap plastic to try to make it stop for a second. But it doesn't stop. It comes back.”

Again: It is not my intent in sharing this to evoke sympathy, but rather to vulnerably offer my story in hopes that someone may resonate with it and feel less alone.

The story continues with my time in Peru being only a chapter, but my dears, that chapter was fucking intense. I do not write to relish in the past, but to bring further illumination to the present me and in doing so I hope that a shaft of light may fall from my story onto yours.

Now with Perspective

I wrote a piece several months later as I was preparing to leave Peru titled “Why I Left (Why I Started this journey.)” It is important for me to say that I could not have written this piece without the perspective that time allowed, just as I could not have written the preceding piece without the raw vulnerability of the moment. The peace and clarity that is witnessed here is not what was felt during the journey. Imagine five months of space between what you just read and what you are about to read. In imagining this, have compassion for yourself where you are at and assurance in the possible clarity and perspective that lies on the other side.

Why I Left

“Sometimes you need a bath. You could take another shower but this time you know you need a bath. I realized I needed a bath when I was in the bath.

You know the feeling when you're floating in a tub and your body is pseudo-suspended? All the air bubbles have slipped out of your ears and the music is muffled and warm. You close your eyes and lose track of where your physical self ends and the water begins.

It was in a moment like this when I slowly lifted my arm out of the water (to change the song or something) and felt the strength of gravity. Without the water supporting it, my arm became iron in the air. I returned it to the bath and wished to remain there forever. I didn't want to get out because that meant returning to the world of weight and gravity. I remember crying as I realized that I had no "bath" in my life. It felt as if I was constantly living under the gravity of my mind/society/expectations/entropy/time and had no water in which to become weightless. I just wanted to rest and be okay.

I left in search of the bathtub: some sort of accessible peace.

I wanted penance and purgatory, ego death and loss of identity, a magic pill, a cure and more.

I desired many things, but what I needed was a bath.”

Why I left Part 2

“I sought baptism: one pill, one event, one moment to solve my problems and release me from form. I walked into the jungle expecting instant medicine. I thought I was holding a pure intention but she showed me that I expected the world. I wanted to blow the door open. I didn't want to seek the key diligently and open the door thankfully.

I drink the medicine. It is poison. It terrifies me. It shows me that I terrify me. I am trapped in my mind. I know it will only last for 4 hours but in this place 4 hours is longer than I will ever live. An hour is infinite lives; infinite lives unable to escape myself. I scream and vomit and watch my ego try to rationalize. My thoughts and fears are a neon banner streaming across my forehead too fast to read.

[I wasn't able to name the importance of this next bit for a long time. I had to digest it. It had to soak into my blood. I was scared and upset that the medicine didn't do what I wanted. Now I am glad.]

I wanted to dissolve my body and float alone in the dark eternal. She showed me how lonely the dark eternal is. She showed me why she split herself: to know herself, to love, to share, to not have to be alone. At 2 in the morning I am finally able to walk again. The small shade differences between the black trees are the most beautiful color I have ever seen. The sound of birds and crawling things is music enough to cry. I am so so so glad that I am not alone. I hold the first person I see. They hold me. We are one become two. We became two so that we could love ourself: so that we could hold each other.

Thank you for letting me not sleep alone forever. Thank you for not giving me what I wanted.”

I think it is apparent that many things changed in the time between these two perspectives. Instead of just telling you the beginning and the end of the chapter, I would like to show you the journey from “I just want it to stop,” to “thank you for not giving me what I wanted.”

This journey of self-transformation is difficult. It has to be difficult in order for it to be transformative. But it doesn’t have to be done alone. Joseph Campbell says, about the path of transformation, “We have not even to risk the adventure alone for the heroes of all time have gone before us. The labyrinth is thoroughly known. . . we have only to follow the thread of the hero path.”

That is what Wisdom Village is here for: to tell stories of how we got from A to B, and remind us that we are not alone in the journey.

Now I know that you cannot repeat my journey, event for event, interaction for interaction, just as I cannot tell you exactly what will happen on your journey, nor which sorts of aid you may need. We are not here to tell you to repeat our path nor to use the tools that worked for us.

Let these journeys serve to inspire you wherever you are at, be that in the middle of a journey, reflecting on one, or standing at the edge wondering if you will say yes.

Wisdom Village offers stories, communities, teachers, healers, guides, and everything that we have found has helped us on our journeys, in the hope without expectation that it may help ease the effort of finding what only you know you need to venture and quest through yourself to your self-responsible, blissful and whole self on the other side (which is already here, being only a matter of realization through experience.)

[tumblunni]

OH MY GOSH

I’m doing a reread of the older books that MarkReads did, cos he released his reviews in ebook form after his first site’s hosting went down and we lost the original posts of them.

Its really cool cos he includes an entrie second review of everything that he does years later with all this hindsight and stuff, commenting on the series as a whole and how hilarious unprepared he was in the original review. As well as all sorts of other bonus features and footnote stuff of cool!

And he even edited out any predjudiced or uncomfortable jokes that he’d made back when he was less experienced as an activist for LGBT rights and mental health and stuff, like originally the review about the dursleys in harry potter was framed as a psychologist’s report about how craaaayzy they are, and now its a detective’s report on how criminal they are. Cos seriously its “just a joke” and all but it kinda has unfortunate implications to imply that literal abusive parents are only that way cos of mental illness rather than yknw.. making the choice to be abusive. the “joke” wasnt intentionally meant to be saying that but its still how it ended up. And the really good part about it is that he didnt just take the opportunity of the original site being gone to pretend like he never made those mistakes, he edits out the actual content of the controversy itself but talks about what happened during his self re-review bonus section at the back. And he talks about why exactly he felt that this review was innapropriate and how he’s changed since then. Cos seriously over these years he’s been diagnosed with depression himself and started getting help with it and tried to become a really welcoming community for other mentally ill people! And he was always out about being gay even when he started his first review of Twilight, it was like 5 seconds into the first review before he couldnt restrain himself from yelling “is this really how straight people flirt??” XD But he used to kinda be a bit awkward maybe and uhh.. that relateable feel of trying to be “one of the good ones” according to bigoted standards? Like “oh im gay but i dont act TOO gay and i totally make gay jokes about myself ha ha ha”. I obviously can’t know for sure because i cant read his mind, but the impression i got from the reviews is that this was why he made some of his more crude jokes earlier on, despite being an absolute cinnamon roll of a man who didnt seem to believe any of the bigotry behind them. Either that or just genuinely not knowing that jokes were bigoted at the time, yknow? We all make mistakes and a lot of people amoungst minorities have a history of stuff like this cos internalized shame is a hell of a drug. I internalized transphobic stuff so hard that i was terrified of admitting i was trans, and overcompensated with trans jokes to try and convince people i was normal. And i didnt even properly comprehend what being trans WAS, i had this bigoted messed up idea of something i should be ashamed of, something that was “sick perverts getting off on dressing up” so of course it couldnt be me because I just felt.. yknow.. unhappy with what i was born as? Not any sort of big devious evil reason for it, just “dressing this different way makes me not want to kill myself”. But here’s lil kid me being told that the Only Possible Reason to want to do that is Gross Pedophile Reason, thus I built a big old labyrinth around my feelings and blindly repeated the rude shit my parents said without even understanding what it meant. Sighhh it was a big ol mess!

ANYWAY IM GOING OFFTOPIC AGAIN

I just made this post cos its really cool to see how your favourite creators have changed, especially when they had personal growth like that as well as just getting more and more awesome at the things they create. And it really warms my heart to see Mark being at peace with his own mental illness nowadays, and having like one of the most well regulated forums ever that doesn’t accept any form of bigoted behaviour and strives to welcome people like he is right now, and educate.. well, people like he was back then! And he’s also become so much prouder in his sexuality and found people who support him for who he is, after his super harrowing backstory of being abandoned by his parents and emotionally abused by fundementalist christian authority figures. And he now has an awesome adorable goofball of a boyfriend who even joins in on guest reviews sometimes, and it is absolutely AMAZING to see them teasing each other singing theme tunes to stuff and just generally being the definition of relationship goals!

AND THAT IS THE AWESOME THING THAT MADE MY HEART EXPLODE TODAY

Cos i bought the old harry potter review ebooks, and IT TURNS OUT HIS BOYFRIEND IS HERE! He cameos in prisoner of askaban yeaaaars before they started dating! he was actually the friend who’d already read the series and reccommended it to mark, so he’s kinda responsible for kickstarting the entire MarkReads blog?? THEY WERE DESTINED TO BE TOGETHER AWWWW!! Seriously YOOO i was like “huh he mentions a friend here with the same name as- OH MY GOD ITS HIM” And his cameo appearance is a dual review just like the ones he’d do later on, tho here its a transcript of an IM chat rather than an actual video. Man this is so early on that they didnt even live close to each other! God its Love Origins, holy shittt

fuck NOTHING warms my heart more than seeing the journey my fave creators go on! this man has come so far and im so glad he’s in a better place than when he started!! he’s just so happy and bubbly in his current reviews and he started off so grumpy on that first Twilight review and his Harry Potter review was like a kid in a candy store cos he was GENUINELY SURPRISED TO FIND AN ACTUAL GOOD BOOK! Aaaa his future boyfriend’s reccommendation led to him recapturing his love of reading and starting a whole career out of reviews. God thats so romantic!!!!!!!!!!!!! Fuck! My bigass heart cant handle this!!

So yeah uhh if you’re interested in a gay positive review series with an adorable bear of a man with the cutest beard and sleeve tattoos who just squees constantly about all the emotions he was taught to repress during an abusive childhood AND ALSO SMOOCHES HIS BOYFRIEND AND FINALLY GETS TO BE HAPPY YES, check out MarkReads and also the sister site MarkWatches! or his name in general is Mark Oshiro to find all the stuff he’s done. As I said before, there’s kind of this issue with archiving where all of his earliest posts are lost. And he rereleased them with all this bonus content as ebooks so we’d have a way to donate to support the site. So it might seem a bit intimidating for the “place to start” to be a pay-only thing, but I’d reccommend not reading in chronological order honestly. Its best to just go through his site and see if he did any books/shows that are your favourites, then start from there. That’s what i did, i think i discovered him via Buffy and Angel? And then I started watching ATLA because of him and WOW we had very similar levels of fanboy screaming, lol! So yeah you might discover some cool new series via this sweet man’s wonderful bloggings! :D

[birthdaybynarycat]

from the mog squad to you!

here are some messages from your community!

Kitty Meow Meow, I'm also one who is bad at writing long, heartfelt messages, but I just wanted to say that I'm very happy we got to know each other and I hope to keep our friendship for years and years to come.  I hope you have a wonderful exit the womb day and that you continue on your journey being the most awesome Cat I know   Love you and can't wait to hang out with again soon!

Frackalope

Cat, you've been so nice to me, I can't believe I have been your stream follower  for 3 months and counting already. I still remember how we met, I was new in twitch, first day, and I couldn't get my email confirmed, you were playing ff7 and I told you in whisper that I was watching the stream but wasn't able to join the chat, you told everyone about it and asked Jen to whisper me and help me out. I asked Jen for help as well and I wasn't sure if she saw my whisper before. I got my email confirmed and had to change my password for that, and now here I am a member of your community and subscribed to you thanks to some wonderful people. But in my opinion the most amazing person I met in your stream is you Cat, because without you I never would've been here. You play amazing games, you follow amazing people, and more. You are always my number 1 favorite streamer no matter what happens and I will try my best to support you. You are so positive and friendly to me and your community, you give me advice, you cheer me up when I'm down, and you make me laugh alot too. You are by far one of the best streamers I met on twitch, I don't care what you say I will still say that because you are a friend to me just like everyone else. I really hope you are enjoying your birthday Cat. I also enjoyed playing the Jackbox party games with you, tbh I didn't even know I could play them on my mobile. I thought I needed a computer or laptop. I do hope that I get to play more games with you and the others Cat, I'd like to voice chat with you and the others as well but since I live with my mom and the fact that I don't like to talk online via voice chat when she's around it probably won't happen alot. But anyway I wish you the best birthday from me, my fiance, my mom, and the cat's, this message shows how much I appreciate you.

The animals represent Sydney, Cat, Shelby, and me. The weapons represent  final fantasy 7, 8, and  bayonneta. Cat’s aura is her awesomeness and the angels are Sydney and Shelby. Jen is the gold gun on the right and Boyle is the other gun on the left. And the M it makes is the other mods.

g0ldendr4g0n, Daniel

Cat, je ne sais pas si tu comprendras ce message (je devais le faire en Français !) mais c'était juste pour te souhaiter un joyeux anniversaire et te dire que je ne regrette pas d'avoir fait ta connaissance parce que tu es une fille géniale avec une belle communauté, c'est pourquoi tu es la première personne à laquelle je me suis abonné... même si tu es beaucoup trop fan de Yennefer (Kappa) ! Des bisous !   

TLDR: this is French stuff, I'll translate after but you know, I HAD to write that in French LUL

Guillaume aka Le Ginsey

Hey Cato, i really hope that you have a magical day today. Dont go too wild you wouldnt want to forget this day lol. You are such a cool and wonderful person i enjoy every single moment when i talk to you, you have been a real gift to me and i wish you nothing but the best in the world because you deserve it! Now lets get this party started KappaPride

Hasherino

Hey Cat!!!, i hope you have a wonderful birthday!!! Have fun and enjoy your birthday!! so glad i came across your stream, you are amazing!!!! Love lurking in your stream and seeing the games you love and enjoy to play, i will always watch your lovely stream i enjoy it so much you have such a lovely community, Love ya!!

JayRoc, Jason

Heya lil sis! I have thoroughly enjoyed watching you and your community grow and have taken great pride in being part of it from the beginning! To think, if I hadn’t been stalking JoJo that night I wouldn’t have found you! Thanks for being my friend and letting me run rampant all over. I’m not good when it comes to these sorts of things, so I just want you to know that I see you girl and I see great things coming your way! You are loved and appreciated so very much!

jenocidal9, Jen

Cat Cat! I want to say that you are a wonderful individual, you have an amazing personality and I'm glad that we met. I'm so happy to be apart of your community. You've been so good to me and everyone. You welcomed me with open arms and I truly appreciate that.  Happy Birthday to you, I really hope you have a fantastic day.

JJ

hewo cat, im terrible with words, but i should be able to meow too dangit :p Happy birfday, and thanks for the movie nights ;3

Jojo

You’re pretty neat, and that’s cool

Kale

heya cat! I'm not quite sure what I can say that hasn't already been said by anyone else, since I know my message'll be one of the last ones, but I'm so so soooooo happy I found you and your channel! I may not be able to catch every single stream but I honestly wish I WAS able to because you're such an amazing personality and so entertaining and kind and sweet AND FKJGSJGK I just love you a ton, okay? Happy Birthday and may you find nothing but joy and happiness in your life!

poo

Hey miss Cat. I could go on about how much you mean to me as my best friend, but hopefully I don’t need words for you to know about that. I do need words to tell you just how proud of you I am though. I saw you grow along with the channel every step of the way and it has been one of the biggest pleasures in my life. I hope I can be there for you for many more months, many more years to come. May you be able to see yourself as I see you, and love yourself as much as I love you. Because even though it gets difficult, your dedication and strength is something no one can take from you. And no matter what, I will always be by your side.

Ricardo

cat, what can I say that hasn't already been said, unless you read this first then damn. You're truly a beacon of happiness and genuine laughs with a wonderful community, with a heart of gold and a lovely soul. I'm so happy to be able to come to your stream as often as I can even if it's only for a pair of hours. I'm so happy to be able to call you a friend and hang out and get lost in games.

Richard

HULLO CAT! Happy birthday! I'm so happy that our paths have crossed thanks to Sydney! You are such an irreplaceable human being and I hope that this friendship lasts for years to come! You are such a smart and kind person and I hope that life gives back to you all that you deserve! Thank you for all the help you have given me! This lazy bum doesn't deserve it! I hope that you have such a wonderful day because you're just such a wonderful person! I hope you love yourself as much as we love you!

SeaSaltShelby, Shleb Kappa

Syd & Jordan