#but im choosing to look at the positives here instead of the rage i feel in my bones 😁😘😜☺

[d0d0-b0i]

i have GOT to get a job and get out of here asap lmao🤣🤣

[just-another-ficwriter]

Ghostin’

Pairing: Bucky x Reader, Steve x Reader (Past)

Words: 1300ish

Warnings: Heartbreak, angst, mentions of being shot, blood

Summary: She can’t help the pain she feels, Bucky just wants to fix it.

Notes: Based on the song Ghostin - Ariana Grande

Neither of them saw it coming.

He hadn’t meant to fall in love with her.

But now here he is, laying in her bed, their bed, and he can feel her beside him with every harsh rise and fall of her chest.

He can hear her laying there.

Even if he pretends he can’t.

It’s been 586 days since Steve left her, left him, behind and sometimes it still feels as raw as those first few hours.

-

“I didn’t know who else to call.”

Shallow, hollow, breathless.

She looks so much smaller here now, than he remembers her just a mere few weeks before.

Her voice is raspy, it catches in her throat and comes out in a choked whisper. He’s the first one she’s spoken to in days, the first person she’ll let anywhere near her and still, she doesn’t look up. She just stares straight ahead, eyes fixed on the wall, barely blinking.

He doesn’t know what to say, but she doesn’t need him to speak anyway, just needs someone there, someone to listen to her, someone to keep her company so she doesn’t fall further into the hole she’s already struggling to escape from.

And who better than Bucky Barnes; a man who knows exactly what she’s going through. A man that probably feels as broken as she does.

“It hurts Buck.” A sob erupts from her chest, sucking in air that burns its way through her lungs and Bucky almost collapses at the sight. “I don’t know how to make it stop.”

Bucky had always been sure he could never hate Steve no matter what he did, but right now he was pretty damn close.

-

Sometimes Bucky forgets she’s not the same person he found in that room. He can still see it though, the pain hidden behind her eyes so skilfully, while she pretends it doesn’t exist.

Sometimes he catches himself tip toeing around her like he had that night, never wanting to cross the wrong line, never knowing the right thing to say, even now.

After all this time, after everything they’ve shared, he still doesn’t know how to fix this.

He doesn’t know how to stop the nights she cries when she thinks he can’t hear.

-

Days, weeks, months.

Bucky loses track of time, let’s it’s slip through his fingers. He doesn’t count the nights he spends sneaking across the compound, seeking her room in the dark, never thinking twice when she calls him.

He listens to her as she lets it all out. Listens when she curses Steve out for loving Peggy more than he could ever love her, listens to her cry over the fact he choose to go back to his past instead of furthering any future they could have had.

Sometimes he cries too.

Two broken souls, searching for something they’ve lost, within each other.

They’re the only two that can really understand how the other feels. And there’s something oddly comforting about that.

-

It’s the guilt now, that consumes her more than anything.

Guilt that she still cries over a man that left her while lying next to another that makes her feel nothing but love.

Bucky had been her saviour, her anchor, her sanity.

And she repays him with loud nightmares, calling out for Steve while she’s asleep, silently wishing he hadn’t left so she didn’t have to feel this kind of pain.

She loves Bucky, yet she keeps breaking his heart.

-

164 days pass before she attempts to resume her normal life.

There’s no baby steps, no easing her self into it over time, no precautions. Nothing.

Instead she leaps, full throttle, no looking back, chasing everything and anything to take her mind off it.

An easy, casual movie night with their friends that she could barely look at once he left, turns into an overseas mission within a week.

Bucky knows it’s too fast, but he’s too afraid to tell her. He doesn’t want to be the reason why the spark in her eyes that’s slowly returning, fades back to darkness so he just agrees to go with her instead.

He doesn’t notice how she’s being careless until it’s too late.

Two bullet wounds, a lot of blood, hours of surgery and Natasha fusses around him like he’s the one that needs looking after.

She can read him like a book and the thought makes him uneasy. He knows she can see it too, the lines are becoming blurry, feelings are getting confused.

He barely survived Steve leaving, he’s positive he won’t make it through losing her too.

-

Bucky hates the part of him that wishes she’d just let go.

As he stares at the wall ahead of him, keeping his breathing at a steady pace so she doesn’t know he’s awake, he feels his heart ache with the familiar realisation that part of her will always love his best friend.

The thought breaks him.

And just when he’s sure she’s drifted back to sleep, he feels a hand reach for him across the bedsheets, making him do something he hasn’t dared to do before.

He turns around and holds his breath. “You okay doll?”

-

A blazing argument, heated words, fire in both their eyes.

It’s the both the end and the beginning of something.

Bucky just can’t take it anymore. Three weeks after getting shot she’s volunteering to go back out again and he just sees red.

He refuses to watch her be so reckless, to throw her life around like it means nothing.

Her mission of self destruction had to stop and so he’d screamed at her.

And she screamed right back. Fingers pointing, small hands shoving harshly at his chest, tears in both their eyes.

“Why do you care what happens to me!” She shouts in pure rage, so much anger radiating from her, so oblivious and he just snaps.

“Because I love you Y/N!”

Silence.

She just stares at him, eyes softening a little in realisation and suddenly he thinks he’s done the wrong thing, confessing a secret that had weighed him down with such cruel guilt.

He turns to leave when a soft hand lands on his wrist and gentle lips find his.

-

“I’m sorry.”

Exhausted, fragile, heartbroken.

She sees it all on his face when her eyes meet his. A sea of blue, his secrets hidden within their depths, and they both fall apart.

He pleads for her to stop, wipes away tears from both of their cheeks, insists she has nothing to apologise for.

But she knows she does. She knows he hears her.

They can’t pretend anymore.

“I don’t know why you’re still here.” It’s stupid and it’s desperate but she says it anyway. Because deep down she really doesn’t understand.

How can a man like Bucky Barnes feel anything for her, when she’s so broken.

“Because I love you Y/N.” He doesn’t hesitate in telling her, two strong hands holding her face so that she’s staring right at him, clinging on to what they have for dear life. He has to make sure she knows he means it. More than anything he’s said before. “I promise nothing will change that.”

A promise he intends to keep.

Even when a heavy hearted Steve Rogers shows up at their door 2 months later seeking Y/N like he never left.

Ghostin’ Taglist: @learisa @im-just-star-dust

[babylooneytoonz]

Blood Trails [ Pt. 4 ]

Chapter Summary: Being locked up at the HYDRA cell with Sasha makes you have a slight change of heart. Is it just an innocent change of heart or is it your heart's way of trying to remind you what your brain cannot remember?

Warnings: Violence, Implied Child Abuse, Non Con Sex Reference , Implied non descriptive torture tactics

Word Count : 3000+ (I K R ?)

Blood Trails Masterlist link -> here.

Bucky was able to miraculously pull out the magnet from the top of the car that ended up freeing him. He swam up until he was on the surface, and he hopelessly looked around, but he didn’t see anything remotely related to HYDRA or his daughter. His anguish was so much, he fell to his knees, on the middle of the road, and screamed; his eyes writhing in rage and venomous hatred. He was going to hunt you down, hunt each of you down, and send you back to hell. With rage filled eyes, his outfit soaked from top to bottom, he somehow walked all the way to the Avengers facility; and of course, Sam, Wanda, Clint and Tony surrounded him, as he told him what had happened.

“Get the fucking Quinjet ready.” He commanded, as he practically pushed his body into his tactical wear.

Tony raised a curious eyebrow, eyeing the man with the metal arm from the corner of his eye, “I don’t want to put a full stop to your momentum there Barnes, but where exactly are you going to look for Sasha? She may be anywhere in this goddamn world, in any continent or any country.”

“He is right you know –“ Sam began, but then his eyes widened as though a thought had just hit him, “Unless he knows something and already has a lead.”

All heads turned towards him, almost drilling a hole into the man with the metal arm who had just finished fixing his gun holster with his guns. He then turned towards them and murmured, in a loud voice, “I’m going to Hungary, because that’s where Vasili Dreznov operates from.”

“Okay, did I miss something over here?” Tony crossed his arms over his chest, causing Bucky’s jaw to clench as he shot him a dangerous glare.

“That woman got a call.. she said the name Vasili. The only Vasili I know is a HYDRA handler, Vasili Dreznov. The last I heard, he was at the Hungarian base.”

“Well, atleast we’ve got a lead.” Wanda chimed in, as the rest of the team started dispersing and getting ready for their mission; rescue Winter Soldier’s daughter.

╞═════𖠁𐂃𖠁═════╡

Your boots crashed against the concrete metal flooring of the underground HYDRA base in Hungary as you walked through the maze like hallways, that was illuminated by a single LED light in each hallway. You were walking in the middle, with Vasili walking directly behind you. In front of your eyes, Sasha Barnes was chained up, thick metal cuffs adorning her tiny wrists as the HYDRA guards dragged her down the hallway. You craned your neck slightly to turn slightly towards your handler, and your eyes narrowed, your voice hissing in a low voice, “Неужели нам нужно связывать ее, Vasili?” (Do we really need to chain her up, Vasili?)

Your handler didn’t answer, and instead, he just used his arm to push you forward, so you kept on walking, causing your eyebrows to twitch as a sudden surge of frustration filled you up, and only a whisper came out of your lips as she was pushed into one of the cells, and the door was slammed shut on your face, “Она всего лишь ребенок.” (She is just a kid.)

“Похоже, ваше лечение прекращается. Я чувствую в тебе слабость, птичка, и думаю, слабость здесь – действительно опасная вещь.” (Looks like your treatment is coming off. I can smell weakness on you, little bird, and guess what, weakness in here is a really dangerous thing.)

“I’m not getting weak, Vas –“

Arms grabbed you suddenly, and instinctively you let out a loud cry, “No, VASILI PLEASE DON’T…IM ..IM NOT GETTING WEAK.. I JUST… PLEASE NO..” that was soon muffled when something tasting bitter was stuffed into your mouth. Tears streamed across your face and your eyes widened in a sudden fright. Reflexively, you started struggling and squirming, trying to break free from the clutches of the HYDRA guards, who only laughed at the state of pure agony that you were in.

“Looks like наш маленький солдат is getting her memories back, and that is something we will never want, eh?” Vasili made a motion with his hands; a motion you well understood and instinctively, you used stopped walking and with all the force in your body, you jumped where you were standing, the force of which caused the HYDRA guard who was holding you to loosen his grip in order to steady himself from falling and getting disbalanced. You took the moment to hurl yourself to face him, your eyes glaring death into the guard’s eyes as your hands latched to his throat, and you snapped his neck into two, like a twig.

Your eyes widened, when you felt the familiar taser prick against your neck, and you fell to your knees, as pain shot through your body, like shards of glass pricking against your skin.

“N..No..Pl…please..” was all you could cry out as your eyelids started getting heavy, and you felt someone grab your foot and start dragging you against the cold metal floor, the course surface burning against your skin as your body was dragged into the lab, where you were shoved into the electric chair, and the helmet was fixed against your head.

╞═════𖠁𐂃𖠁═════╡

“Come on, Vasili’s not even banged you yet, and you’re not able to fucking walk.. what you gonna do when all of us take you and your tight little cunt one by one ..”

“Прекрати, Alexei, this one’s a fucked up bitch.. leave her alone.. rumour has it..she bites..” Another guard’s voice sounded through your ears but you were in no position to listen; you could concentrate on nothing but pain..whatever you thought, whenever you tried to breathe, only one thing was what you could feel and that was pain.. blinding, deafening and bone chilling pain.

The guards unlocked the heavily barricaded steel door and the minute it opened, you were pushed into your cell, the force being enough for you to land on your knees, only your hands held out in front of you to save you from a disgraceful fall. You kept laying there, resting your head against the cold floor, just breathing when a soft feminine voice reached your ears, “Больно?” (Does it hurt?)

You fluttered your eyes open, and you pushed yourself up in a sitting position as your palm wiped off the dried up blood on the corner of your lips, where a new gash had now formed. You looked up at the girl who was sitting on your bed and was looking down at you, her eyes widened in fear, yet childlike inquisitiveness.

You didn’t reply, but instead, gripping the corners of your bed, you tried lifting yourself up, slowly, but for some reason, your body seemed to be giving up and you only fell back against the floor with a curse escaping your lips. You let the five year old help you, as she threw out her arm towards you and took it, coiling your fingers against her soft ones as she pulled you up; half of it being your own effort and the other half her super soldier strength.

You fixed yourself on bed next to her and the two of you awkwardly sat next to each other for a few seconds in silence, the things she had said to you now all forgotten and out of your head again.

“Сделают ли они это и со мной?” (Will they do this to me too?) Her voice was soft, her blue eyes fixed on yours as you gave her a ghost of a smile before laying down against the rock like pillow, choosing not to answer her. What were you supposed to say to her? That she was going to be tortured beyond her wits soon and turned into a cold killing machine?

You fluttered your eyes shut, fighting the urge to let your tears flow out of your eyes when you felt her pull the cotton sheet over your broken body. You didn’t know what it was about her that made you feel human again, alive again, like you had a heart and you had feelings again; but worse than that, it caused you to fear in the back of your mind, that she was making you weak.

╞═════𖠁𐂃𖠁═════╡

Your eyes flung open at an ungodly hour, when you heard a voice somewhere in your cell. Propping yourself up on your elbow, you looked up to see Vasili casually seated on a couch not far from where you were laying, with Sasha propped up on his lap, his fingers stroking the girl’s cheeks. You didn’t fail to notice the fright in her eyes and the way she beckoned you with her eyes to call her to yourself, away from him. And you didn’t fail to notice the way the evil man eyed the little girl; reminding you of the hours that you had just let him treat you and your body like a vessel that was only made to please him when he wanted. You couldn’t hide the sliver of disgust that crept up inside you, a sudden instinct that you felt to suddenly protect her, it being ironical that you were the one responsible for her being here in the first place.

"Sasha, can you come over here? Now please?"

You didn't know where you got that courage from, or that spark in your eye, for immediately, the little girl was standing next to you, while the two of you kept looking at the evil smirk your handler had on his face.

You grabbed Sasha's hands, pulling her tiny body behind you as you stood up, your legs still shaking from the aftermath of the torture you went through yesterday.

"She is a five year old kid, Vasili. Leave her out of this. I've never said no to you, but please, leave her out of this."

The thin-faced man only gave a wry, devilish laugh. He slowly stood up, his lips puckered slightly, as though he was trying to suppress an incoming smirk from creasing over his lips. You kept towering over Sasha, your eyes flashing dark, distilled rage as he meandered his way over to you and suddenly grabbed your arm, pulling you towards him.

"Если у меня не будет ее, я заставлю ее смотреть." (If I cant have her, I will make her watch.)

Your eyes clenched shut in disgust, and when you opened them again, your eyes were red and bloodshot.

"You're a disgusting, vile bastard, Vasili."

The only sound that filled your cell after that was the sound of his evil, raucous laughter, as your muffled cries of pain and disgust.

A few hours later,

"Wake up, Sasha."

You nudged the little girl awake.

She rubbed her eyes and slowly fluttered them open. You had no idea what time of the night it was, but from a tiny round grilled window in your room, you could see that the sun wasn't out yet. You gave her your hand as she sat up in bed, and looked at you.

"Now listen to me, very carefully. I am going to try and get you out of here. Okay? But I'm gonna need you to play along with me. Can you do that?"

You gave her weak smile, bringing your palm up to the top of her head as you quickly ruffled it up before you pushed her away, so she fell back against the cold gravel, taken aback.

"Почему бы тебе не держаться от меня подальше? Просто держись от меня подальше. Кто угодно! Убери ее отсюда к черту! Посадите ее в другую чертову камеру! Кто угодно!" (Why dont you stay the hell away from me? Just stay away from me. Anyone! Get her the fuck out of here! Put her in another goddamn cell! Anyone! )

You slammed your fists hard against the back of the door, and repeatedly banged on it, until there was another bang on the door from the outside, followed by a few curses, and then a voice, "Заткнись, солдат." (Shut the fuck up, Soldier.)

╞═════𖠁𐂃𖠁═════╡

The Quinjet wasn't crowded today, as Natasha and Bruce were on a classified mission someplace in Afghanistan. This left Bucky, Sam, Tony and Clint; for even Wanda and Vision were out on another mission.

"I hope everyone knows the drill," Bucky muttered, in a low voice, his arms crossed over his chest, as he eyed the team, "We're gonna land in approximately five. There is no scope of failure."

Within the next few minutes, Bucky and the rest of the Avengers, had jumped off the Quinjet; and were already making their way towards the base, slinking through the shadows until the heavily guarded base was in sight.

"Well, to the count of, oh well, what the fuck ?" Bucky growled into the comms, when he saw that Sam was already out, and was running towards the guards in full swing, ready to take his flight, along with Tony Stark all suited up and ready to kick some HYDRA asses. "I thought I said wait for instructions." He growled again into the Comms, as he effortlessly deflected a bullet using his metal hand, and at the same time, that deflected bullet pierced into the stomach of another HYDRA guard that was in close proximity.

A loud thump on your door alerted you and Sasha. Your index finger flew up to your lips and you threw up your palm to keep her where she was as you stood up and with slow, unsteady steps, made your way to the door, when at the exact same time, the door jostled open with a loud noise, and two HYDRA guard's entered; with Vasili on their trail.

They tossed your combat uniform to the floor, and it landed against the concrete with a crash and you looked up at them quizzically.

"Get dressed. We have a situation. And we need you to be armed and ready to break a few necks," he mumbled in a rich Russian accent.

"What's happening?"

"That Avenger scum.. they're here. Now hurry up, моя машина-убийца."

The door slammed shut again, but this time, you did not hear the sound of them locking your cell from the outside. Once you were sure that they had left, you hurriedly bent and grabbed your uniform, taking off the torn rags that you were wearing and started sliding into it, your eyes fixed on the now excited girl.

"Now listen to me, княжна, I will get you to them, and once you are there, you will not look back. You will leave. Is that clear?"

You knelt down in front of her so you were now face level with her. You didn't understand why you were doing this for her, what was the pull that was binding the two of you together, but you knew that this was a chance that she could escape; from meeting the same fate that you had met, and from Vasili's evil eyes. You almost gasped, when suddenly, out of the blue, when you had least expected it, the little girl placed her palms on either side of your cheek, all her fear of you now forgotten.

"А что насчет тебя? Пожалуйста, пойдем со мной.." (What about you? Please come with me..)

You bit your lip hard; but it was more in an attempt to force yourself to not cry as you smiled, shaking your head.

"Я дома, а тебя нет." (I'm home but you are not.)

You stood up, before she could reply because you didn't want her to. For some reason, this little devil of a child managed to bring out a different side in you, a side that made you want to fight the monsters that you were swimming in, but you also knew how powerful they were. You couldn't fight them alone, even if you wanted to. Shaking these depressing thoughts away, you grabbed your gun with one hand, when she smiled at you and slowly slid her hand through your other hand.

"Now trust me, I am going to get you to your superheroes, but you need to start pretending now. We can't let the guards know.. what we have planned, and what we are planning to do. Okay, Sasha?"

"Yes... mama."

"I'm.. I'm.. not your mother.."

You immediately forced yourself to look away, but her words seemed to be radiating like static through your mind. You could hear the sound of a baby crying, somewhere in the distance, but just as soon as you heard it, a sudden jolt of a pain in your head caused that voice to fade away. You gasped suddenly, your palm flying to your throat, as sweat pooled over your forehead and you looked down at her. Before you could react though, a series of bangs and gunshots started ringing outside, somewhere in the facility.

"You're Black Widow's daughter," You whispered, grabbing the girl as you tossed her over your shoulder, holding her there using your free hand, while with the other, you pulled open the door, and aimed your gun, just in case you needed to shoot.

You didn't need to shoot them, you only had to answer them; that you were taking her to safe place, so they couldn't get to her. No one suspected, for they were too busy running towards the area where the fight had ensued.

"Listen, Sasha.. I want you to scream for help, as loud as you can when you see any of your friends, okay?" You nudged her, as you ran towards the source of the commotion, and she just shouted back a yes, her tiny hands pressed against her ears as the gunshots ringing all around the base were too loud.

After what felt like running for an eternity, you finally saw a glimpse of what the Avengers fighting together looked like. It was a madhouse, as though hell was raining down on the HYDRA guards from all directions. Your eyes, however, fell on the glistening, shining metal as it deflected a bullet with such precision, you were almost awestruck, only to be pulled back from your sudden trance by Sasha's sudden screaming, which you know was because she wanted to capture his attention; the Winter Soldier.

He suddenly snapped his head in your direction, his eyes meeting your sharp ones; the only thing that was visible on your face due to your face mask. And slowly, his eyes travelled to the girl that was on your shoulder, a dangerous throaty growl erupting from his mouth, before he started pushing his way through the HYDRA soldiers, right towards you.

You blinked, almost squinting your eyes, as you waited a few seconds, for him to get closer. And once he was almost two inches away you turned your tail and started running, back the way you had come from. You knew what you were doing, you were trying to pull him away from the crowd, from where the fighting was, for you couldn't hand Sasha to him right where the fight was going on.

Bucky was fast, and you could feel his heavy footsteps behind you, as he was almost reaching you, his arms drawn out so he could grab you; or Sasha. But instead of grabbing her, he slowly lifted his gun, aiming it towards your foot and his finger flew to the trigger, when Sasha's cries filled his ears.

"DADDY, PLEASE DON'T SHOOT HER."

A look of confusion washed over his face, and he didn't understand. Nevertheless, he dropped his gun weilding hand to his side, and that was your cue to finally stop running, and lower Sasha to her feet, so she could run to him.

"Sasha, off you go." You pushed her towards Bucky, who caught the little girl in his arms. "I don't understand," Bucky began speaking, but the force with which Sasha crashed against him, he lifted her up in his arms, clutching her against his chest. He kissed the side of her face, and then the two of them turned towards you; both with reasons entirely different from each others, but you were long gone, as though disappeared into thin air.

Permanent Bucky Barnes Taglist :

@really-dont-forget-it @thepeakygurl @all-art-is-quite-useless @baumarvel @janajjj @chipilerendi @nyotamalfoy @skittychat @allidoiswritewritewrite @jessyballet @x0xchristine @evansgirl7 @laisbeltrans @thegayseance @marie1115 @supraveng

Want to be added to the Taglist? Pls fill the form on the link here. 💙

[dessarious]

Broken Harmony Pt11

Okay this is another short one. I know I promised longer ones for the weekend but it was a weird day. On the plus side tomorrow will be longer and my or may not involve a certain feline having his ass handed to him. Hope you all enjoy.

Master List 1   Master List 2    Prologue   Beginning   Previous   Next

Sabine glanced at the clock over her daughter's head before pulling back. “I’m going to go call your school now. You can look through your options on where to go instead over the next few days.” She placed a kiss on Marinette’s forehead before heading down to the bakery.

“We should probably head back to the hotel. I’ve got meetings in the morning and I’ve got to prepare for the boys arrival.” Bruce rose to take his leave but Damian just glared at him.

“I’m not going anywhere.”

“Damian.” There was a warning in his father’s tone. He absolutely didn’t care.

“No. I’m staying. This is not up for discussion.” Bruce sighed in annoyance before turning to Tom.

“What I’m sure he meant to say is that he would like your permission to stay here and hopes it won’t be inconvenient for you. I do understand if you would rather not have someone you just met take advantage of your hospitality.” If sarcasm was an Olympic sport his family would hold all the metals but Damian felt his father was laying it on a bit thick. Should he have asked permission to stay? Maybe. He could feel Marinette's laughter through the bond and just became more annoyed. Tom just waved a hand in dismissal at Bruce’s concern.

“Of course he can stay. I’m not lucky enough to have a bond myself but I know that if Sabine was the one this happened to I wouldn’t leave her side for weeks. And given what did happen he’s about the only one I’d trust anywhere near my baby right now anyway.” He turned to them with mischief dancing in his eyes and Damian felt Marinette start to get embarrassed before he even started talking. “And since I know you’ll want to keep an eye on her you can sleep on the chaise in her room. So long as you both promise there will be no funny business.”

Damian about choked on air and he heard Marinette let out a whine behind him. If her song was anything to go by her face was completely red. He didn’t turn to look though. Instead he just stared at Tom, his mouth was opening and closing uselessly before he managed to let out and indignant, “Of course not!” Sabine choose that moment to walk back in the room.

“I’m pretty sure they couldn’t if they wanted to Tom, not with Mari’s injuries.” She sounded entirely too amused and one look at his father showed a matching expression. This was just as bad as the crap he was going to have to endure from his brothers. And they wondered why he never mentioned having a soulmate. 

“We just met today. I would never be presumptuous enough to even consider such a thing.” He couldn’t help the fact that his tone was haughty given how annoyed he was. He opened his mouth to say more but he felt Marinette take his hand and felt her song soothing him. 

“Maman, Papa, I don’t think Damian is used to your type of teasing.” While her song was calm her voice held a warning. “Honestly I’ve lived her my whole life and I’m still not used to it.” She looked to Sabine. “Did you set a meeting with the principal?” Sabine’s expression turned dark.

“I did. The man had the nerve to tell me he was thinking of calling me in anyway to discuss your behavioral issues.”

“My what?” She just looked confused but Damian could feel other emotions filter in and out of her song too quickly for him to get a handle on them.

“Apparently a number of students have come to him to express their concern about you bullying Lila Rossi.” Sabine’s dry to didn’t hide the rage she was feeling. His Angel on the other hand, wilted beside him. Her song screamed sadness, pain, and betrayal. She still wasn’t angry at all, and that was beginning to frustrate him. Damian had never known someone with a better reason to fly into a rage and he couldn’t understand why she blamed herself for everything. 

“Oh, well I’m going with you.” Everyone opened their mouths to argue with her but she just kept going. “I need to get my things out of my locker while you talk to the principal and Damian will come with me. Right?”

“Of course.” Like there was anyway he’d let her near that school without him glued to her side. Her mother was still frowning but slowly nodded. Tom seemed to just go with it. Damian had a feeling he did that a lot. Bruce just nodded thoughtfully.

“It does make sense. Get in and out before the news hits to make sure you don’t run into anyone and also so they can’t tamper with your things.”

“If they haven’t already. Breaking into my locker has already become a routine occurrence. I haven’t kept anything really important at school for awhile now. Not since they destroyed one of my sketchbooks.”

“They did what?!” Damian actually took a step back and moved Marinette behind him on instinct as her parents yelled in tandem. He also wondered why a sketchbook would cause such a reaction and thought about how little they knew about each other. He needed to fix that, quickly.

“It was months ago and I didn’t have very much in it anyway. It really wasn’t that big a deal.” She tried to placate them but Damian could tell it wasn’t working. Sabine’s expression turned suddenly neutral and he took another step back.

“Bruce, why don’t we see you out? You did say you have to leave.” Bruce blinked at her but recovered quickly.

“Of course.”

“You kids stay here, we’ll be back to start dinner in a few minutes.”

As the adults filed out Damian and Marinette shared a look.

“Should we be worried about that?” Marinette just shrugged in response and leaned into him while they waited for her parents to come back. He could get used to that.

Master List 1   Master List 2    Prologue   Beginning   Previous   Next

Tag list for Broken Harmony

Thanks for all the positive responses! Here’s the tag list I’ve go so far. If I missed anyone let me know.

@crazylittlemunchkin​ @iggy-of-fans​ @captainmac6​ @shizukiryuu​ @origami-dreams​ @yamadochie @drama-queen-supreme​ @miraculousbelladonna​ @mjisntme​ @zebrabaker @driftingmoonlitpetals​ @slytherinhquinn​ @politelyvicious​ @mystery-5-5​ @constancetruggle @synnesstra​ @im-here-for-the-content​ @slytherinsheashire  @myriad-of-passionate-pettiness​ @cyborgcandy​ @rhub4rb​ @satans-favorite-homo​ @beautym3​ @ayuchan07​ @zalladane​ @moonlitarchangels​ @mooshoon​ @mindfulmagics​ @saphiraazure2708​ @chrismarium​ @worlds-tiniest-spook-pastry​ @tog84​ @littleredrobinhoodlum​ @cupcakeandkisses​ @kiara-rose-blackthorn​ @moonlitarchangels​ @graduatedmelon​ @lunar-wolf-warrior​ @tbehartoo @zoerayne2426​ @ellerahs @heaven428​ @my-name-is-michell​ @unabashedlyswimmingtimemachine​ @myownworldstayout​ @alexzandria-747​ @k-rena-k​ @vivilakitty​ @redscarlet95​ @un1cornf1ghter​ @bookreader20003 @nataladriana9​ @resignedcatservant​ @blue-peach14​ @royalchaoticfangirl​ @melicmusicmagic​ @dani-ari​ @captain-rice​ @magic-miraculous @valeks-princess​ @fiendsangelical​ @chloe-bourgeois-is-big-gay​ @ladylb​ @vixen-uchiha @spicybelladonna​ @asteriodd​

[iisabclla-blog]

queen  isabella maria  of france !  ﹙ a bed untouched and blankets on the windowseat, immaculate hair and porcelain skin,  what have i done, what have i done?  an untouched plate and an empty wine glass, books piled up on an unused bedside table, a plate of cherries, if only i had died too            a worn bible with a small length of ribbon sewn into the cover, candles burned to quick, crescent-moon shaped cuts on the inside of a soft palm, black kirtle, black shawl, everything black ﹚ 

hi all !! sorry this is so loooong, i’m big into character development so once i got started i couldn’t stop ! i’m enna, i’m 21 and from pst. my pronouns are she/her !!

 i have discord, so hmu if you want to contact me there, and if i’m online, i’m always available thru ims !!   i’ve played isabella before a few times and she’s the angry-sad love of my life so i’m thrilled to bring her here !! 

feel free to like this to plot. there are connection ideas at the bottom so please take a look and see if anything fits your muse and it might help us brainstorm something fun! 

ⅰ. —     statistics & appearance.

𝚗𝚊𝚖𝚎 —  isabella maria 

𝚝𝚒𝚝𝚕𝚎 —  queen of france

𝚑𝚘𝚞𝚜𝚎 —  trastámara of spain

𝚗𝚒𝚌𝚔𝚗𝚊𝚖𝚎 —  bella, but only by her favorite lady’s maid and closest friend 

𝚖𝚎𝚊𝚗𝚒𝚗𝚐 —  devoted to god

𝚊𝚐𝚎 / 𝚍𝚘𝚋 —  twenty seven, born 23rd may

𝚗𝚊𝚝𝚒𝚘𝚗𝚊𝚕𝚒𝚝𝚢 — spanish

𝚜𝚎𝚡𝚞𝚊𝚕𝚒𝚝𝚢 —   bisexual ;  she’s aware of and has acted on her attraction to women in the past. although it is, naturally, a secret, she is not ashamed of her love for other women. 

𝚐𝚎𝚗𝚍𝚎𝚛 —  female

𝚙𝚛𝚘𝚗𝚘𝚞𝚗𝚜 —  she/her

𝚑𝚎𝚒𝚐𝚑𝚝 —  5′4

𝚌𝚘𝚖𝚙𝚕𝚎𝚡𝚒𝚘𝚗 —  her skin is soft, warm and blemish-free, a necessity in her station. she likes to keep her skin clean of any marks and pale, like a doll. she augments the warmth and softness of her features with sharp, simple jewelry & wardrobe choices, although notably she does not display her wealth through jewelry, and instead chooses simple and elegant designs over heavy and ornate

𝚋𝚞𝚒𝚕𝚍 —  she’s small and well-built, not skinny, but soft and with a certain amount of roundness to her. she has the typical feminine shape and a bit around her tummy, thighs, and arms

𝚑𝚊𝚒𝚛 —  her voice is lovely and her accent is chocolatey, carefully schooled to be soft and convincing; when she’s angry, her voice becomes much louder and less delicate, slipping further into her accent

𝚝𝚛𝚊𝚒𝚝𝚜 —  she carries herself like her station, with an air of superiority: her chin is always held high and her neck long, her whole posture ramrod straight; she rarely smiles without coaxing these days, but when she does it’s usually warm and surprised, like she’s forgotten that she knows how to do that

ⅱ. —     personality. 

tw / miscarriage, depression, mentions of suicide

𝚌𝚑𝚒𝚕𝚍𝚑𝚘𝚘𝚍 —  as a young girl, isabella was a more naive and patient thing. her family ties were strong, and her loyalty to her father & later her brothers was as unwavering as the moon’s rise and fall. she was raised a perfect princess ; educated, crisp, pious and penitent, faithful to the last and hopeful for the future.

𝚙𝚛𝚎𝚜𝚎𝚗𝚝 —  after having lost all of her children thus far, isabella’s disposition has hardened, and her love and loyalty has started to chip away. she still acts a quiet, faithful and penitent wife, sewing her husband’s shirts and spending an hour or two in the chapel a day. beneath it all, however, is a boiling rage, born of shame, injustice and sadness that she cannot tame.

𝚎𝚖𝚘𝚝𝚒𝚘𝚗𝚊𝚕 𝚜𝚝𝚊𝚝𝚎 —  were she a more modern woman, she would hunt for sport and retire to a country house. the business of being queen sits heavily on her shoulders. suffering from depression and often times a passive narrative that her life has been wasted and will continue to be wasted, isabella is about as unhappy as any queen has a right to be. she bears it quietly and acts the part of pretty, perfect wife, although nearing closer and closer to her limit.

𝚊𝚜 𝚊 𝚚𝚞𝚎𝚎𝚗 —   although she was perhaps spoiled and too young when crowned, isabella has become known as a thoughtful, keen-witted and fair queen. remarkably thoughtful, every action and position she takes is well-informed and thought through; she is known for heeding evidence and admitting when she’s wrong. her favorite subjects to learn about are history and economy, and as such she’s done good things for trade and public infrastructure, making her relatively popular with the smaller towns and common people benefiting from her strategic work. she has come to love france, although she does not love governing, and consider its people hers.

𝚍𝚒𝚜𝚙𝚘𝚜𝚒𝚝𝚒𝚘𝚗 𝚝𝚘 𝚜𝚝𝚊𝚏𝚏 —  although a haughty and strict mistress, isabella finds herself more and more drawn to common folk. it seems the servants are the only folk that show her empathy within the french borders.  

𝚍𝚒𝚜𝚙𝚘𝚜𝚒𝚝𝚒𝚘𝚗 𝚝𝚘 𝚛𝚘𝚢𝚊𝚕𝚝𝚢 — depending on the person, isabella ranges from curtly polite to quietly warm ; she does not particularly enjoy french court, but she’s always polite and graceful. there can be no rest for her; although her home and a country she’s deeply proud of, france feels not unlike a claw trap closed tight around her ankle.  

𝚌𝚑𝚊𝚛𝚊𝚌𝚝𝚎𝚛 𝚝𝚛𝚊𝚒𝚝𝚜 — choleric, intelligent, bold, vindictive, poised, restless, fierce

𝚛𝚎𝚕𝚊𝚝𝚒𝚘𝚗𝚜𝚑𝚒𝚙 𝚝𝚘 𝚛𝚎𝚕𝚒𝚐𝚒𝚘𝚗 —  she no longer believes in god. her prayer is show, her piety is act, and if she did believe, the things she’d pray for would be any manner of blasphemy, treason and regicide.

ⅲ. —     brief backstory.

— will be updated and changed with plotting and development; relationships with family and french royalty are purposefully left vague until plotted — tw / miscarriage, depression, mentions of suicide 

born the middle princess and good for little but bargaining, isabella was spoiled and coddled by her governess from a young age. education, hope and foolish naïveté let her believe the future was wide and wild, that her betrothal was a thing she could become accustomed to, that her father could do no wrong, and that her brothers were blessed by the sun itself. she was looking forward to a life atop a throne with an endless library, travelling and dancing.. and children. happiness. old age and grandeur.

married life quickly disabused her of these childish notions. though she is its queen, she often feels trapped and cornered by france, by her marriage and her duty, willing her body through hatred and shame to do its damn job and provide one squealing shouting babe so she could point to it and say see, i am worth something, i am a princess of spain and i cannot be made less than i am —   but an heir never came, and happiness never followed, and the years have made a bitter, hollow woman of one that was once bright and playful.

though miserable and often times wishing for a grave alongside her buried children, she forces herself to persevere through spite alone; she can think of many worthy things to fall to, but a failed marriage and shame are not worthy things to die over. instead she cultivates the anger over the sadness and tries as hard as she can to put herself back together in the wake of her collection of small tragedies.

her only solace is the repeated hope that one day she will be allowed a child she can keep and hold, the stories and poetry she finds among the pages and pages of the french library, and the art and music that calls france home as much as she has to. she keeps tokens of her lost children, even ones she knew for weeks alone. a small ribbon on her bible for the babe she birthed, and river stones for the ones she did not.

ⅳ. —     connection ideas.

platonic —  

closest friend, confidant ( future or current ) 

unlikely friendship ( preferably someone with an opposite personality ) 

earned trust & loyalty  ( put some of that endless loyalty and hero worship she’s capable of to good use ) 

casual friendships, gossip partners, reading circle

political allies, spanish courtiers who she’s remained friends with, a younger noble/royal she’s vaguely maternal towards

negative —  

hatred at first sight ( we all love drama ) 

enemy of france or spain, enemy of her brother or husband, 

someone who’s been cruel to her ( french people who have been cruel to her ) 

someone who dislikes her backbone, rivals

almost lover turned sour

romantic —  

formative young adult love ( can be m/f/nb, royalty or no, idc i just like angst )

forbidden temptation ( can be one-sided ) 

 previous betrothals pre-marraige ( can ofc be negative and/or platonic ) 

an ex lady’s maid she was lowkey in love with 

an ill-advised comfort hookup that she’s now avoiding

[xuune]

some thoughts on s7

this ended up me kind of rambling about my thoughts and feelings on s7 that are all over the place, so please bear with me if these thoughts don’t seem too well organized or anything: 

now, before i even actually saw the season, i was just snooping around here on tumblr to see what ppl’s reactions were, and i kind of let it get to the better of me. some people were just over dramatizing what was happening in s7, and their negativity on the season made me believe that i would wholeheartedly dislike the season. i saw all the posts with people going on about how if youre still watching the show, you should immediately drop it (and it was mainly centered around few central complaints going around right now, pretty sure you can figure that out on your own on what that was). it was understandable on where the frustration was stemming from. i only got 3 hours of sleep because of what people were saying despite not even seeing the season for myself and seeing how events would ultimately play out. but like they would always say, you shouldn’t let other people’s judgement affect you, and it really shouldn’t be the determining factor on how you view things or how your opinions are formed. 

when i watched the season, my general reaction to it was that its “ok”, i didn’t think it was entirely and absolutely terrible. i already know how a lot of us didn’t like the way a few characters got treated. i mainly thought that the animation looked nicer and improved in some of the action scenes. the writing was kind of “meh” for me when it came to whatever certain plot points that got introduced or continued. watching it on my own actually removed any thoughts of me disliking/hating the season entirely. 

even though i say this, the things i mention here are mainly about some issues that kept being brought up by people and circled around ever since s7 got released. 

in terms of character development? besides what we’ve been given for hunk, which has been awesome so far (i dont really feel like i have much to go in depth with for this, its already self explanatory in the season itself), i guess its going somewhere. i’ve got some hope, but it’s not on the level where its overwhelmingly high and optimistic. everyone’s been talking about the lack of actual lance development, how he’s constantly being reduced to being the “dumb” one, but we actually see him take initiative when needed. lance has been shown to stepping up and taking his role into account when handed the opportunity to do so, and it was multiple times when lance was given the re-established position of keith’s right-hand man. despite whatever remarks keith made on lance, whether or not they were supposed to come off as teasing/joking for the audience, keith does still seem to believe in lance’s capabilities. if he didn’t, keith wouldn’t have trusted lance the task on leading their team on their mission(s). lance actually got scenes where he could shine off as being portrayed more than what he’s constantly being insulted as. there are still some scenes of them showing mutual trust and respect for each other, especially with lance voting for keith during “the feud” and the reasoning he gave. but yeah, some parts it did seem like keith was kind of ooc in certain episodes when comparing his personality back to s3. who knows why keith gave the reasoning he did when he voted for lance. EDIT: acoolemocucumber’s post makes a good note on pointing out how during the voting section, keith is actually the first one to start writing. it’s later revealed that he chose lance on first pick. lance was the second to finish. even though he was peeking over at hunk and pidge to see who they chose, he instead decides to choose keith. keith choosing lance as a first choice without pure hesitance is amazing to see, and it really shows he trusts and respects lance a lot despite the reasoning he gave. then again, actions speak louder than words and countless times keith has shown to be that kind of guy by relaying a lot of important tasks to lance throughout this season. 

i’ll do say that i enjoyed most of the scenes they shared when they had to take a leading initiative with each other though. that was pretty nice to see again, and it felt like a decade since i ever saw that kind of dynamic from those two. 

there were a lot of action packed scenes, and i watched through those entirely to see if there’s any important plot detail to know, or make note of, while watching the ep to make sure i wouldnt be lost with whats happening so far. some people found it boring, some people found the fight scenes amazing and stunning. certain scenes had me really amazed on how well it was animated, some other scenes not so much in terms of repetition, and thats kind of bound to happen if we’re provided an arc where its continuing to keep the tense vibes on the recurring events with the current situation of the season. 

this is just merely my take on it, (my memory’s not the best with how much information im recalling from those 13 episodes) but it kind of felt lackluster with how the paladins barely got any kind of break where they could seriously spend one episode on unwinding, having in-depth conversations one on one, and not be so worried about the galra all the time. sure, there’s a few scenes like that in a few episodes, but it didn’t seem enough to make it feel like it balanced out whatever conflicts or character issues were newly or constantly introduced. 

ive read posts already about how some people had liked the season a lot, loved the actions scenes and all. but to me, some conflicts that took place seemed out of place or just didn’t really align well (idk how else to phrase it) especially with adam’s death, and i had minor mixed feelings about ep “the journey within”. 

about adam, it just seemed out of place and rushed for them to introduce shiro’s s/o only for them to take him away. we don’t get to see how fleshed out adam could’ve been, and i’ve already seen the frustration/rage people had with adam being killed off when considering how the creators told the viewers that they were gonna get to see adam, but weren’t told how long we’ll see him (plus the entire thing abt lgbt rep that was promised?). the thing with adam left me on a weird note, mainly because if you were just given no other info besides the info from the season, you wouldn’t even be given too explicit information about the relationship shiro had with adam. from there, it felt like there was no point in adding adam into the story if the viewers aren’t given clear information on what kind of bond shiro and adam had besides adam saying that they’ve been through a lot together (or whatever he said, idr it too much) and the “how important am i to you” line for lgbt rep points. its just pretty vague “””representation””” thats just leaving the audience to make the most out of what they’re given. we’re only given confirmation that they used to be fiancés from what they said in panels/interviews, but never in the show. im not sure what to really think about that, my mind’s just kind of in the void when i think about it. but this part i structured kind of badly and i apologize for that, but hopefully those of you can get what im saying. 

as for “the journey within”, it was reasonable for the way characters acted; theyre all tired, frustrated, and losing hope and were floating in space waiting for nothing but at least something to happen. keith snaps, gets irritated at everyone, lance is also the one to lash back out at keith saying keith ran away, giving the audience a big sign that lance was hurt by keith’s disappearance/leave from the team. but for keith to quickly later on go take everything back in just a few minutes seemed really awkward for me. its a kids show and all, but i just kind of didn’t like how that one section of that episode was written ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ just a feeling i had with it. however, i did love how hunk took a lot of the initiative during the episode, it’s showing his growth of actually him continuing to fully accept his role as a paladin and determined to not back down regardless of his own cowardice that could prevent him from doing so at any time.  

and there’s the thing about k/acx: ive already seen a bunch of people going somewhere along the lines of disbelief, anger, frustration on how keith is getting het endgame but when i saw the episodes, his interactions with acxa didn’t even seem borderline romantic to me at all? to me, i merely saw 2 characters actually getting on better terms with each other and returning the favor. the two no longer see each other as enemies but allies now. keith only went back to save acxa because it seemed like he believed that he felt in debt to acxa for trying to save his team. ezor and zethrid merely poked fun at acxa, but if you consider previous seasons where acxa and keith interacted, the two just continued to return the favor of owing whatever debt they had for each other. it didn’t seem like there was any romantic tension intended in any of the scenes where they interacted. we already know acxa betrayed ezor and zethrid by switching sides, and if you were betrayed you’re bound to make at least a  remark on whoever betrayed you either way. in this case, ezor and zethrid found it reasonable to make a comment on acxa’s alliance with keith, hence how they teased acxa possibly crushing on keith (whether or not thats actually confirmed, its just left ambiguous and up for interpretation at that point). there’s the parallel with how they animated the shot between keith and acxa talking to each other, but neither did that one seem romantic to me? i hope im not the only one who thought that? the other scene people talked about was when acxa is in the same scene where keith was present when he visits his dad’s grave with krolia. i dont get why some people were upset about that either. even though its at the last ep of s7, there’s nothing to imply that keith invited acxa to go visit his dad’s grave with him or anything if you consider their placement in the scene. if keith did care about acxa’s presence being there when he visited the grave, wouldn’t he at least acknowledge acxa’s presence by showing obvious attention to her, or have her close to where him and krolia were? she remains distant but respectful of keith in the scene. i dont see where these scenes would imply keith automatically finds a romantic interest in acxa. acxa to keith? maybe, we don’t entirely know. keith to acxa? i dont see it being implied anywhere at all. not to mention keith’s “can’t we just fight” statement right after ezor and zethrid teased acxa about having a romantic interest in keith. again, its just my take on what’s being presented and my own thoughts on how people are viewing it. 

and with a/l, it leaves me on a bad note with how its progressing if its really getting the sealed deal endgame. like most people have been saying, it would be good for them to be endgame if they were only written better. am i entirely convinced theyre endgame? not really because there’s that small chance where vld pulls a 180 and the show creators stay true to their words on lance not being a rebound, lance being someone’s first choice, lance getting what he needs, not what he wants. what’s being given/presented so far is just bad writing with how allura suddenly reciprocates feelings for lance out of nowhere despite showing consistent disinterest in lance’s advances in previous seasons. s4 and onward we see her seeing lance more than just an annoying flirt, and the two become better friends who could genuinely talk to each other without having allura annoyed with lance’s flirtatious antics, and without lance being reduced to a constant flirt. during allura’s interest in lotor, we’re yet again presented how allura doesn’t return feelings for lance, especially during the scene when the mice told her about lance’s feelings for her back in s6. she seems rather disappointed, pitiful, or uncomfortable with knowing how lance genuinely liked her when she liked lotor during that time. later on, allura’s been out of her previous love interest with lotor, and hasn’t shown returned much of the same interest in lance. sure, she hugged lance and he returned the hug, but that only seemed necessary in the moment for when allura had felt betrayed by someone she wholeheartedly trusted and fell in love with. she needed comfort from someone and the person she spoke to was lance who was able to lend her some comforting words. but that was about it. i’d like to say that considering that this is a kids show, it does give a bad incentive for children to develop on believing that if they continue to force their feelings onto someone else, the person they’re interested in will eventually like them back out of the blue, which is the worst course of action to take despite being rejected countless times (and its kind of being shown with what a/l has right now). to take this kind of scenario and to fix/put it with good writing would to just properly depict lance accepting rejection and allura staying true to her previous feelings on not reciprocating his feelings. in a general sense, we all know that we can’t always get what we want, and that’s an important moral that always gets taught over and over again even if youre a child or an adult. rejection and acceptance of the rejection is something that can be taught here through the romantic subplot they’ve been having. just deciding that they should become endgame out of nowhere would leave the writing very dull. having allura get out of her previous love interest with lotor only to quickly move onto lance just doesn’t leave off on a good note. it just reduces lance to a rebound and that’s about it. 

the writing for me wasn’t really that breathtaking, overwhelming, or emotional or anything when it came to new plot points being presented (you know, all the fight scenes, galaxy garrison, that stuff). again, a lot of things seemed pretty rushed, i had mixed feelings for some but not all episodes. it was nice to see mostly everyone united back with their families and characters developing new motives for what they believe in doing. yet, the writing kind of just wasn’t on the level of where it actually gets me really interested and invested into the storyline like how it had back in s1 to early s3. i’ll still mention how the writing did it’s part in presenting development for hunk, though. i enjoyed that a lot.  

some parts of the writing were questionable, some parts of the season were enjoyable, but it wasn’t entirely overwhelmingly disappointing for me. the season was on the bare minimum on having the writing go “decent”, but again it felt pretty “meh” and this is just my own feelings on it. people have their own opinions, frustrations, concerns, questions, some people loved it, some people severely hated it or just felt extremely disappointed. 

the season has its peaks and lows, some pros and cons, but whatever you take from it is what you believe. 

i’ll still keep watching the show to see how it ends, that’s for sure. 

[transfemininomenon]

hey i dont know if anyone would be interested in this but this is the back story i wrote for one of my dnd characters a WHILE ago that im finally allowed to leak and its something im very proud of and she’s a character who means a Lot to me 

so here’s the story of gwyndolin, half-elf warlock of the raven queen

(warning for things like suicide as well as Fantasy Racism & parental neglect) 

you can also if you want a complete experience listen to the playlist i made for her, which for once i took the time to really think about the songs and make them chronologically follow along her story  https://open.spotify.com/user/1226762026/playlist/4p9jT3uiew58QetdfQCmEn?si=ElqSvpmATFCUfCE-dtZXqQ

OKAY here we go: 

Sundamar Trismyar was born on a chilly Autumn evening in Nyva Serine to uncertain parents and an even more uncertain future. While neither parent would admit it, they both had dark wishes that maybe the child wouldn’t make it. That such a child wouldn’t have to live with their mistake and live in a world that would no doubt try its hardest to kill them. Unfortunately for both, and unfortunately for the child themselves, the child survived.

From a young age it was clear that Sundamar was… different. While he couldn’t ever fully explain why, he never really felt comfortable in his body, always dwelling in it like an uninvited guest. He always assumed it had something to do with his half-elven heritage; the blood coursing through him not understanding this world any better than he did. That didn’t quite explain it all, though. There were times when he was younger before the world really began to hate him, before people fully understood what he was, and yet even then he had that off feeling.

Aside from that off feeling, Sundamar had a normal enough childhood. Or at least, as normal as a half-elf could expect in a predominately elven city. He wasn’t allowed to get out of the house much, choosing instead to devote much of his time to reading, something his father taught him at a very young age. Much of his time was spent living vicariously through the tales and legends he read about, with him having a particular fascination with stories of the gods. A quiet child, he spent much of his time in his room. He never really felt his parents were neglectful, but he very often couldn’t shake the feeling that they were maybe a little resentful of him. Even before the world began to truly show how little it cared for him, he began to learn his existence was wrong from his parents.

It wasn’t until he began to attend a private school in the city at the age of 7 that he began to truly see how unwanted he was. His parents had warned him that perhaps schooling wasn’t the best idea, that he could learn just as much at home, but he had big dreams of becoming a diplomat like his parents and knew from studying that all the best diplomats had gotten proper schooling. The beginning of school was marked with him doing his best not to stand out, trying to blend in as a pure elf with the hope that staying out of the limelight would keep suspicion off him. This worked for a while, until he befriended a girl named Valtris.

He hadn’t exactly planned on making friends, but once while doing a group assignment he was partnered up with Valtris, and he found her strangely easy to talk to, especially compared to the other children in their class. After that day they would often work together whenever they could, and would play together during their break time. This went on for a few months, all up until the day that her dad came to pick Valtris up - a man named Zanlannah.

Zanlannah was the main man that Sundamar’s father worked under, and he was well known throughout the city for being for pro-high elf, and only high elf. Humans especially he viewed with great disdain, seeing elves as genetically superior with their longer lives along with natural dexterity and skills when it came to magic. The only thing he hated more than humans were half-elves, who he saw as a mockery of his race, an unnatural diluting of their genes. He had met Sundamar a number of times before during business meetings with his father, and from the beginning was disgusted by him.

Seeing his child playing with, as he put it, a “disgusting half-breed” caused Zanlannah to fly into a rage, shouting at both Sundamar and Valtris in horror. He demanded that a half-elf such as him never be allowed to be near his daughter again, and as Valtris attempted to protest, her father silenced her with a quick smack. Silently crying, Valtris was lead away. He would later be told that Valtris was sent off to a private school in another city, and he never heard from her again.

After this, the floodgates were opened and hatred toward Sundamar began to rush out. His classmates all quickly took to bullying him, taking any chance to assault or humiliate him. Zanlannah’s outrage must’ve reached others throughout the city, for soon other elven nobility were looking at Sundamar with disdain as they passed him on the street, and he often found himself being followed home by masked figures. His family suffered as well, with Xalph’s position as a diplomat constantly coming under fire, his mother being spat at and called a “human whore,” and their house often being vandalized.

Sundamar blamed only himself. It was his fault, he thought, for his existence was the source of all this misfortune. He began to resent his parents too, feeling it was irresponsible and unfair of them to have a child such as him knowing what kind of world he would be born into. While they tried their best to understand, any hope of connecting to Sundamar was now lost, and there was frequent arguing between them.

As Sundamar began to enter puberty, he found himself growing increasingly sadder, and angrier. While he continued his studies, he had no friends, and his school days were full of insults and injury. Even his home life wasn’t much better - most days he’d immediately lock himself up in his room, and any time he ventured out would very often lead to an argument with his parents. He hated who he was, he hated WHAT he was, and he hated this world that was so unfair to him just for being alive.

On top of all of this, around the age of 12 is when his dysphoria really began to set in. He watched as his classmates and himself were beginning to grow, and somehow watching his girl classmates grow filled him with a deep longing that he couldn’t describe. As he began growing taller, his voice beginning to deepen, he found himself wishing he could stay shorter, that his hips and chest would grow like that of the girls in the class. This feeling made him feel even more confused than he already was, growing even more unsure of WHAT he was.

It was right around this age that a fateful day happened, a day he was home sick while his parents were off at work. Growing bored of lying in bed all day, he began to dig through a closet in his family’s home, and came across a collection of old clothing from his mother’s youth. Taking out a dress that looked right about his size, he stared at it for a while and, thinking about his classmates, tried it on. As he looked in the mirror, he was struck by how right it felt to wear, how right he looked wearing it. Trying on different clothes, he spent hours staring at himself, feelings bubbling inside of him that were a mix of great happiness and also deep sadness. Eventually, he tore everything off and went back to bed, spending the rest of the day crying for reasons he couldn’t understand.

Years went on like this as he entered his teenage years, feeling his body grow in all the wrong ways while the world’s view of him continued to grow in hatred. Insults from his peers turned into open attacks, and he would often come home covered in bruises. His parents tried their best to talk to him, to talk about what was happening and how he was feeling, but he constantly shoved them aside.

The one solace he had came around the age of 16, when he met a young girl named Arveene. While walking home from lessons one day, he suddenly felt the weight of his coin purse no longer there. Spouting a young girl running down the street, he sprinted after her, and after several blocks caught up to her. Backing her into a corner, the girl suddenly pulled a dagger on him. At first fearing an attack, Sundamar realized that the girl was crying, and that she was terribly skinny. Realizing she must be living on the streets, he took pity on her and offered to buy her food along with anything else she might need. While at first suspicious, she eventually agreed, and Sundamar set her up with food to last her a few weeks along with new clothing and a sleeping mat.

This lead to a several year long friendship, with Sundamar slipping Arveene what extra food and money he could, even letting her stay at his family’s home whenever his parents were out for extended periods of time. In return, he found himself with his first real friend since the age of 7. Despite their difference in age they could relate in how unwanted they were to the world, with Arveene being an orphan who escaped from an abusive orphanage and eventually ended up in the city. Finally having someone he could trust was something Sundamar had never experienced, and it did wonders for sorting out a lot of what he was confused about. He even managed to talk about his gender confusions with her, and she was nothing but supportive, saying he should live however he wanted to.

As Sundamar entered adulthood, he struggled to find work. He set out to become a diplomat like his parents as he always dreamed, however his name had been smeared by Zanlannah, and even with his father’s connections few people were willing to work with him. Doing odd jobs throughout the city, he began trying to save up enough money to off to a different area, a place where he could maybe escape the cruel treatment he had experienced in Nyva Serine. And, maybe once he’d found a more accepting place, maybe even begin finding ways to live as a woman.

By now she had accepted that she was a girl. Thinking about it she knew she had accepted it years ago, all the way back to the age of 12, if not sooner than that. Such a revelation put her mind at ease, clearing up a lot of her confusion, but it also left a great sadness within her. She knew that despite her best efforts many people would never see her as the woman she was, especially when she was already seen as such a joke. Not knowing how her parents would react, she never brought the subject up with them, only mentioning it to Arveene in the few times they managed to see each other now that Sundamar was so busy.

Sundamar.

She realized the name couldn’t stay, but she didn’t know what to call herself instead. There were a few names she thought to maybe try, and even had Arveene try calling her a few of them, but none of them felt right. This left here starting to doubt herself - maybe she was being silly, maybe she really was a man, this entire thing was just a phase. As good as it felt to think of herself as a woman, she felt awkward, almost ashamed thinking of other people addressing her as such.

Things continued to get worse for her. While she accepted herself as a woman, her dysphoria ran rampant as her days became a constant swirl of “sir” this and “boy” that. Relations with her parents grew worse and worse as keeping a steady job grew harder, with them implying that it was maybe time that she move out. Attacks on her grew more frequent as she went throughout the city trying to find work. Her opinion of herself dropped more and more as each day passed, each one seeming bleaker than the last.

The final catalyst came a few months after her 19th birthday. It was a cold winter night, and she was heading home late from working on someone’s broken wagon. Light snow was falling and she could see her breath forming in front of her. Nearing her family’s neighborhood, she grew unnerved with how quiet it was. That was, until she heard crunching of snow coming from nearby. Turning to her right, she saw Zanlannah and a group of five other nobles coming toward her. From the noise they were making, they had clearly been drinking, and Zanlannah in particular was stumbling about.

Zanlannah suddenly locked eyes with her, and she could see his face turn up in a horrible sneer. “Well, look -hic- what we have here boysh!” he slurred out, advancing toward her. “It'sh the -hic- half-breed!”

She tried to back up, only to bump into a building behind her. Quickly, the elves all had her surrounded. “What'sh a halfie like you doing out thish late, huh?” he began to demand. “Up to no good, are you?”

He was right up in her face by now and she could smell the alcohol on his breath. She tried to stammer out a reply, not even knowing what she was saying, when suddenly Zanlannah swung a bottle of wine at her, breaking it over her head. As she fell to the ground, she heard his horrific laugh, and then heard him say, “Let'sh teach him a lesshon, eh boysh?”

With that, they all began assaulting her, kicking and punching at her as broken glass dug into her side. Trying to escape, she struggled to stand up only to be knocked back down. The group wailed on her for what felt like an eternity, until finally they backed off. With one final kick to her gut, Zanlannah spit on her, declaring, “The only good you’ll ever be ish dead.”

She believed that.

She knew the world would never accept her, neither as a half-elf or as a woman. This world wasn’t right for her, and she thought it was about time she left it.

Eventually stumbling to her feet, she walked the remaining blocks to her family’s home, only to find her parents had changed the locks. Her parents had as of late been threatening to do such a thing if she was out too long, also convinced that maybe she was up to things she shouldn’t be. Collapsing at the door, she began to sob, her tears freezing to her face in the winter air. (holy fuck that last sentence was emo)

Eventually opening her eyes, she looked to the side of her home and saw some rope her father had left out the day before. Staring at it, she hesitated for only a few seconds before crawling over to it. Clutching the rope in her hands, she knew that it was here time to leave this world behind.

Using what little strength she had left, she climbed up a tree they had growing by the side of their house. Tying the rope to one of the branches, she deftly tied a noose on the other end. Tightening it around her neck, she hesitated for just a second before she jumped.

She expected to hear a crack, and then nothing. Instead, she felt herself hanging there, and began to panic thinking she hadn’t tied the noose well enough. “Figures,” she thought to herself grimly, “you can’t even kill yourself right.”

A few minutes passed though, and she still felt herself suspended in air, and that’s when she realized that she didn’t feel anything around her neck.

Slowly opening her eyes, she found herself surrounded by swirling shades of black as far as the eye could see. Suddenly, before her a figure began to appear. This figure turned into that of a tall, elegant looking, though deathly pale woman, with a cloak of raven feathers that flowed to her feet. Perched on her shoulder was a massive, three-headed raven with pure white eyes, and as she looked into the raven’s eyes she suddenly saw her life flash before her; her childhood spent reading, playing with Valtris, her first encounter with Zanlannah, meeting Arveene, all the events leading to where she was now.

She was afraid. More afraid than she had ever been before. Beginning to cry out in confusion, she suddenly heard a voice in her head say, “Don’t be afraid, child. While you may have tried your best to make it so, it is not yet your time. Fate has much more interesting things in store for you.”

Confused, she struggled to think of what to say, finally stammering out, “What-who are you?”

In response was a laugh, though not a malicious one. “My name was forgotten long ago,” the voice said. “If you must call me something, you may call me… the Raven Queen. However, who I am is not important. What is important is who YOU are. You have much more to see still, Gwyndolin.”

Gwyndolin.

As soon as the voice spoke the name, she realized how natural it felt to her. She suddenly remembered hearing the name before - it was the name of a princess in a story she had read long ago. Said princess was born a boy, however she had magic powers gifted by the moon, a gift usually reserved for women of her land. Growing up, the princess learned more and more how much more she enjoyed being a girl, and eventually used her magic powers to grant herself the body of a queen.

It was always one of her favorite stories.

She repeated the name over and over in her head, liking the sound of it more and more, when suddenly she stopped herself. “Wait,” she began, “why do you call me Gwyndolin?”

The Raven Queen laughed once more. “It is who you are,” she said, “Who you truly are. The name sounds nice, no? And wouldn’t you like to have a body to match?”

Gwyndolin was taken aback. She was beginning to understand what the Raven Queen was saying, but there was no way she could… “What… what do you mean?” she managed to stammer out.

Laughter once more. “I’ve seen you, Gwyndolin. I’ve seen the thread that is your life, and it is not meant to be cut here. And I’ve seen that this body is not the one you want to dwell in, and I think it would be a waste to spend another second living a life where you feel a prisoner.”

Pausing once more, Gwyndolin took in everything the Raven Queen was saying. “You… you would give me a new body? For me?”

This time it was the Raven Queen who paused. “I would,” she cautiously began, “though there would be… a price. A fair one, I hope you’ll see. But a price.”

“Anything,” Gwyndolin said instantly. “I’ll pay any price.”

A smile crossed the Raven Queen’s face. “Well then. The pact is formed.”

Confused, Gwyndolin opened her mouth to say more, only for her vision to suddenly begin to dim. The Raven Queen began to fizzle away in front of her and the darkness around her began to swirl. With a sudden burst of light, Gwyndolin found herself laying on the ground.

Getting up, she found she was just outside of the city, with the sun just beginning to come up. Rising to her feet, she shook her head, wondering if everything that had just happened was a dream. As she shook her head though, she felt long, soft hair hit gently against the side of her head. Having generally kept her hair short in an attempt to try and squelch feelings of dysphoria, this shocked her. Reaching up to her face she began to feel around, and already she could tell the face she had was different.

Rushing over to a nearby stream that had yet to freeze, as the sun rose above her, she gazed at her reflection in the water. As she stared tears began to well up in her eyes, and she realized they were tears of joy. Staring back at her was… her. The her she had always imagined. Still the physique of a half-elf, but her hips had widened, her legs were long and slender, her face sharper and her eyes brighter. She could feel her shirt pressed against her chest, and with joy she looked down and saw her once flat chest was now full. Falling down on to her back, she felt her body fall into snow, the cold gripping at her curves.

She knew she would never forget that moment.

[triumphorce]

                   under stars that feel as far as

                               real does..

at the moment.

at any moment..

kidnap me.

any chance presented  

& in moments prior.

spent alone

in 

zone.

far from progress.

stasis,

stationed next to

hope & regret.

on either side.

stamina. breathe now

to breathe more.

no free will.

i got to survive.

i got to make it,

especially if i just change aim

change rim-height,

relate with reality

change chin height,

keep head up,

lower expectations

keep pen up.

can’t make shit up,

so i make this shit up

dig deep, drain soon as i wake up

from sleep, or conscious nap..

break up

buildup

of words

that

feel

like

millions.

euphoric

ultimatum;

write,

or just

waste.

can’t wait

to post, create.

post haste

long ass roads that really dont have

an end, or means to.

I just become more of

whatever comes;

whatever emotions

i allow;

however

i react;

to

whoever,wherever,

when tf ever

‘cause all i am

is now, here.

a little more conscious..

that’s it.

&the more i remember,

the more i forget.

gotta pick and choose.

careful.

careful, please.

carefully

 cut ties, choose way

‘cause by the time it's time to remember

new knew's

once was' just can’t keep up

and i accidentally

delete something

important,

or distort it..

gotta

slow down

life...

ssssshhheesh

i once was in less pieces,

&I at least, once, knew peace, but didn’t know it,

more than likely still do

staring at sky blue.

so blue..

eyes find it soothes

waiting on.

bus late.

contemplating, mind rages

sea

lost in deep

hue pool

sharp, wind wrapping body.

waitin on,

waiting on.

contemplating. gone.

daydreamin way thru life.

thru the little things

i always belittled.

cause I thought I had what i needed. or what I had was mine to keep.

...just because.

i need a little more somethin

a little more new, more original stop cliches, tropes,& archetypes in general

droll,

repetition equals learning, well i'll just lurn-less

beg to differ, by beggin questions, even when forced to tread slow,&only do so in head.

we’re all middlemen.

just fiddlin’

‘round in world,

in universe,

riddled withh riddles,

that

trickle,

drip

in

complex

descent

from cognitive

  beginnings.

ephemeral glimpses of outside-nighttime-world,

through blinds in bed, as a child to now, still just as far from.

as far as real feels.

feelin nothing like how I do now.

but pain passes,

so it just must be my brain's capacity for trust shrank. & elaborates time taken for to cross neural pathways,

not get lost, and make it back safe save, all at the same time, while i attempt to ignore age

pay mind solely to the idea i can do, &I don't have to prove.

to become honest, so potential growth is optimum to be one with me, and know I can't ever be anything but and no idea is ever done, no matter finished, no grey matter greyer, no more dr. bender's, no more directions, no more winners, reflect on self, &what it means-to be better, i deflect defects w/ skylark teeth,  

a truer sense of.. truth

a higher level basic

newfound fundamentals

that all the world and creation in it,

then, now, or later

are truly small

&

no life was ever finished

nobody wants to give it up,but we learn to

and as a consequence return to world what we wish to see beyond our existence

to find trust again love again feel again believe again hurry up, clock's tickin

get it, grind look and find get inspired go inspire go perspire run a mile two three four

five seconds six seconds

gotta go for it gotta get better, 

 never listen only instrumentalz for me

in a room   aspire to be able to define my every rhyme and reason behind thoughts had,

itchin to stay consistent, keep on writing and don't worry about why, keep on filing tomes of dreams, ordering guides to self, from one idea to a whole library of shit I did,

 like,

"oh, damn kid, you wrote that?"

damn right I did.

conversations that I have in my head

while I reread pieces

an elixir, a pensive remedy

for when I feel reluctant toward

reality, when in reality

it's really just the people around me that I trusted, busted ass for, gave up past for filled up gigabytes, sticky notes, notepads for designed a whole world for,

put off parties, friends, a part of me I never gave a chance for. became an outcast for. put on mask for.

to be compared and not contrasted warned and not encouraged critiqued but not heard

made me want

to tell, create a story and not give a damn about glory.

although i worry how i come off..sometimes..

made me

change style time after time for some time, now..

made me have

to boost own confidence, own own ego; inflate like raft, & float to shore,

common ground with action &

focused on

how I'm amounting in life.

..apparently

im just climbing up invisible

mountains

but i don't let it make or break me,

used to,

but no more ,& nowit's just me.

&that's just crazy..

so im focused

on how im a mountain lion to moles tryna troll, but       most the time, tho                    I'm...focused on settling score with where               I've failed

& failed to respond to failure well

                                    let go

of initiative,   hung to anger

in orbit  around regret towards doors left unopened, words unspoken to people gone, that could've changed life, if only They could hear these thoughts.. if only I had someone to talk to besides myself, & people that talk to high-five themselves; given approval never sought, advice for battles never fought, in a room for most of youth, stuck in head, so much to see, explore lore of stories never written, so much done even before i decided to pick pen up, before i decided I was ready for commitment decisions in head turn to an every 5 minute thing,

                  stuck in holes    deeper than before

tell-tale signs around sub-subconscious                         that Im chasin nothin..

apparitions..

in front of people

waitin somethin fierce

for me to

summon what's already there

a mirror image of miracle from thinnest air from holes put in life for pride in pages of jumbled thoughts gaps in memories for drafts that define ironic, describing fine lines I believe are there, in thinnest mirror, between me and experience in eyes that remind me i am less, i am more i am worse, i am better everything in between all and nothing, not objective, but an object capable of observation, own purpose assigned no more worth than yours, no more than I have dealt my self chances missed to live for product tossed or lost in the end

x's & lines through a mind confused,              backspaces                       scribbles       procrastinating daily, delaying the inevitable,                                           staring at.. ...coffee steam            and letters linked in ink curves and ink in nerves

        on nights only sleep's deferred as vivid as yesterdays and scenes in head of tomorrows            mixed in with skips in consciousness     obvious options almost always missed second guesses linger in gut like wtf

what the fuck am i doing everyday, if I don't contribute to future

to believe, or not to believe i was in control of will was the whole problem let go of all it hone on goals. fly low, that is...

as far a stretch as breath of desire to contribute to the world   believing if chance exists, i will succeed I will fulfill promises thru notepads & audience

a caged bird singing

do or do not.

seems all I've done is try, it seems to try isnt good enough, seems what they want from me wasn't what I was told they want, which is for me to want from me & instead what they want to see is what they want to see

me to become this and not my own, no matter how many hours spent, no matter the font, text, or etiquette formed to gain attention, but apparently a proper use of improper use of prose prospered overtime & i kept my posture, keep me from losing self, going crazy, letting people make me think something's not okay, or wrong with me, or out of whack off top, not taken seriously

priorities of the majority of society made it difficult to captivate eyes, and garner respect, because of conflictive internal contradictions to set out for what I thought was spreading message, but was embedding judgment of self, & effort, looking at motives that been made a home in heart like they suspect, but they was who fucked with me when I wouldn't even fuck with me, wanna be someone else, something else, like what you want clave?

to wait for mine..

psh, nnn’eh, thinking I was good enough to be taken seriously ..

thinking there was nothing to do, but to do, but something changed course, one day,

 one day atta time

thinking that I was right behind, could just lift up arm and touch but that wasn't the case, ever, constant race

     couldn't hold on, couldn't hide the pain to psyche out greatest opponent, me

                   didn't want to, saw no point

   repeating and repeating, over and again

so on and so forth, thus forth destroying self                               convinced I couldn't help it      and still am

and still can't

accept I ever gave in,   broke under pressure, buckled under what some would chuckle over, no pity, just recognition of jimity's petition to push when pushed, with thoughts into written gale force, in a position to always hope, so when foundation crumbles, there's another one up under

if not, I use earth to wander.

whether with excess of momentum or subsiding in subtle realization of sustenance behind life's work

purpose on course set to find reward I'm told I'm looking for..

fin

[mx-requests-forum]

[Fulfilled] Never Have I...

Prompt: changki roommates au + they hate each other and fight over everything/A day theyre drunk and have angry sex (bottom power!Kihyun) + Kihyun realizes he has feelings for Changkyun but hes too scared to confess (M)

Fulfilled by Moderator M~

Words: 5169

Warnings: explicit rating

AO3 Link

“Hey Changkyun, is there any way I could possibly get you to take out your own damn trash for once?” Kihyun asked, his tone pointed as he angrily began grabbing the trash bag, shooting a glare over his shoulder while doing so. Changkyun, who was currently sprawled across the couch in the common area, bristled at the pointed comment, his eyes squinting as he looked over at Kihyun.

“That trash is barely even full, I would’ve gotten it later when it became full,” Changkyun replied, scrolling through his twitter feed as he half-glared over at his nagging roommate. This was a pretty common scene for them, and it usually began with Kihyun’s assumption that everything Changkyun did was always inherently wrong. Kihyun rolled his eyes, slipping on his shoes as he lugged the trash bag in his other hand.

“Yeah, maybe that would’ve been fine if you didn’t dump a whole fucking thing of Go-Gurt into the trash yesterday and then left it there to ferment,” Kihyun said, cringing as he swiftly exits the room, his tone angry and a touch condescending, making Changkyun’s chest throb. There was something deathly attractive about Kihyun’s voice when he got mad at Changkyun… even when he was looking down on his childish living habits, Changkyun couldn’t help but feel that rush of arousal every time Kihyun snarled down at him.

Leaning back into the couch, Changkyun bit his lip, feeling his cheeks flush with heat as he thinks about all of the other times Kihyun had gotten on to him… just today. Changkyun had a little secret- he purposefully tried to get under Kihyun’s skin, doing things to watch that angry red cover his cheeks and his pretty lips curl into a scowl. It was addictive, and honestly- even though he did often disagree with the things Kihyun said, he definitely exacerbated his disagreement. Biting his lip, Changkyun scrolled through the social media on his phone, trying to ignore the weird feelings that always bubbled up when Kihyun nagged him.

Bustling in through the door, Kihyun shut and locked the door behind him, slipping off his shoes before heading to the sink to wash his hands. He sometimes wondered why he dealt with Changkyun’s bullshit. He was messy, lazy, and sassy… and yet Kihyun still did everything for him, like he was his fucking maid or something. There was something satisfying about rubbing it in Changkyun’s face that he was always right, but there was one thing: Changkyun always gave him that look, that light in his eyes that made Kihyun’s heart pound. He didn’t really know what it meant yet, but he did know that he hated it.

“You better get the rest of this place cleaned up before tonight, okay?” Kihyun nagged in a small voice, his tone more gentle than next time. He liked to give Changkyun the benefit of the doubt before he inevitably accused him of never cleaning up after himself. Changkyun hummed noncommittally, rolling onto his side and trying to resist the urge to stare at Kihyun’s pretty body as he washed his hands.

“…I mean that, Changkyun-ah. All of this mess is your doing, and I don’t want our friends to think that I somehow was the cause of it,” Kihyun said, drying off his hands with the modest kitchen towel on the rack by the sink.

“I’ll do it before the party,” Changkyun replied, his voice low. Him and Kihyun shared a lot of mutual friends, which is why when they figured out they were assigned roommates at the start of the semester, neither was too upset about it. If they were so close with mutual friends, then surely they’d be able to get along too, right? Well, it didn’t quite turn out like that. Despite that, they still managed to get past their differences for long enough to plan out a party with their shared friends at the dorm that night.

For Kihyun, he was fine with doing it because it honestly made the most sense- their other friends all roomed with other people, and Kihyun didn’t want to be a nuisance for them. Changkyun, however, was just in it for the copious amounts of booze and stupid party shenanigans that were sure to arise. Kihyun had never seen him get drunk… and Changkyun wasn’t just any kind of drunk, he was a sexy drunk. He wanted to tempt Kihyun, to get him really mad and watch that sexy haze radiate from Changkyun’s eyes… to sum it up, Changkyun wanted to drunkenly flirt with his roommate that hated him tonight.

Leaning back into the couch, Changkyun tried to clear his mind of all of the romantic shit, instead choosing to chill for the next few hours while he got his thoughts together. Kihyun went back to his room, cleaning up a little before starting on some homework. Tonight, a lot would change between them, but before then, they would simply continue on with the same charade.

“Sooooo…. Never have I ever…” Jooheon slurred out, holding a red solo cup filled with some kind of mysterious, highly toxic liquid, his eyes glazed as he glanced around the room. The party was going full swing by this point, and now, after a few rounds of shots, everyone was circled around on a blanket on the floor playing Never Have I Ever- the classic teen girl party game. It had been relatively stupid and drunken for the most part, so Jooheon’s next words didn’t come as much of a surprise for the people around him.

“…done ass play,” he concluded, his cheeks turning a brighter shade of pink. Minhyuk, who was sitting next to him, spat out a bit of his drink, his eyes going wide. A few others tucked away a finger, signaling that they’d done it before, and Changkyun chuckled darkly as he surveyed the room. Truthfully, he wasn’t as drunk as the people around him, and it definitely didn’t go over his head when he noticed that Kihyun failed to put down a finger, despite the knowledge Changkyun possessed.

“Uh… Kihyun.” Changkyun stated, immediately attracting the attention of everyone around them. Kihyun raised a brow, blinking a few times as he stared blankly at his roommate. “I know for a fact that you pound your little ass every night- those moans can’t be explained otherwise,” Changkyun bluntly declares to the room full of their mutual friends, his eyes shining with a playful, yet sinfully dark, light that made an indignant flush rise to Kihyun’s cheeks.

“What the FUCK!?” Kihyun spat out, his face on fire. The room erupted into laughter, Minhyuk giddily declaring that Kihyun was a messy bottom, and Kihyun shook his head. “N-NO,” he tries to deny, but panic was setting in. How did Changkyun know that? Kihyun was so sure he was quiet when he fucked himself--- oh god, Changkyun knew he fucked himself. “CHANGKYUN-AH. COME HERE.” Kihyun suddenly got up, stomping over to his room and gesturing for Changkyun to come with him. The crowd seemed utterly amused by the turn of events, much to Kihyun’s chagrin, and he gestured even harder for Changkyun to get up and follow him to his room.

“Changkyun is about to get his ass beat,” Minhyuk stated, almost as if it were a fact, a huge grin on his face. The others all agreed, and soon the game started up again, the room of rancorous drunks completely forgetting about the two feuding roommates now both tucked away in Kihyun’s room.

Slamming the door behind them, Kihyun crossed his arms, giving Changkyun a stern look. He wasn’t about to just let this slide, not when he was humiliated like that in front of a whole room of his friends.

“Where the fuck do you get off declaring something like that to our friends?” Kihyun asked, raising an eyebrow. He looked downright livid, his pure, unadulterated rage overpowering his typically unfrightening stature and making him look like he was, in fact, about to beat Changkyun’s ass in. The shear disappointment on his face sent a shiver up Changkyun’s spine, and he bit his lip, cock getting hard just from that one look.

“I don’t know what you’re talking about,” Changkyun denied, even though he very well did know what Kihyun was talking about. He sauntered about Kihyun’s tidy room, surveying the neatness in an effort to keep his erection from popping out of his pants. Kihyun felt rage boil up to the surface and he groaned, mixing feelings of humiliation and anger swirling inside him, pushing him on the edge of collapse.

He diverted his gaze away from Changkyun, noticing for the first time the dirty clothes just strewn about his room, marring the typical neatness with its unapologetic mess. Scrunching his eyebrows together, Kihyun’s anger temporarily subsides and he frowns, bustling about the room and picking up the offensive mess. Changkyun, watching the almost cute actions of his pissy roommate, decides to give him a little extra work, quickly taking off his shirt and tossing it onto the floor right in front of Kihyun’s feet.

“Here’s some more laundry for you to clean, heh,” Changkyun cheekily states, wobbling a little in residual drunkenness before flopping onto Kihyun’s bed, sans shirt. Kihyun feels his rage boil up full force again, and he straightens up, eyes getting wide as he sees Changkyun’s drunk ass sprawled all over his clean sheets-

“IM CHANGKYUN,” Kihyun yelled out, storming over to Changkyun on his bed and jumping on top of him, straddling his lap. He punched the mattress beside the boy’s head, his eyes flickering with two flames. “WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU TRYING TO DO?” Kihyun asked, although it honestly just sounded like a loudly declared threat, his voice booming. Changkyun’s heart was racing now, and he licked the corner of his mouth, blinking rapidly as he tried to process the change in position.

“Are you really getting this mad because of a dirty shirt?” Changkyun asked, chuckling a bit. Kihyun was pretty sexy when he was mad, but this was a little much. Clearly Changkyun was just fucking with him. Kihyun’s eyes widened in anger, and he leaned a little closer to Changkyun, trying to get in the other boy’s face as much as he could.

“If it was just the shirt, then NO I wouldn’t be this fucking mad,” Kihyun replied, his usually melodic voice coarse with blatant rage. “Maybe if you didn’t go off about my fucking masturbation habits to the whole populous of our school, then maybe I would’ve been a little more forgiving of your bitCH ASS,” Kihyun replied, clearly exaggerating in his rage. Changkyun’s cheeks flushed, and he looked away, not exactly in the best position to be reminded of Kihyun masturbating—oh god, Kihyun’s ass was pressing against his dick now, and he was getting harder-

“Wh- What the fuck is this?” Kihyun asked, and Changkyun felt his heart drop. “Do you have an erection right now?” he continued, and Changkyun squeezed his eyes shut, trying to deny the reality of the situation. He was just a little drunker than he thought, there was no way this was actually happening right now. Kihyun, on the other hand, wasn’t just going to permit his silence in this situation. “CHANGKYUN-AH. TELL ME,” he insisted, and Changkyun shook his head.

“No,” he replied, eyes finally opening to give Kihyun an indignant look. Kihyun clenched his jaw, his eyes only seeing red. First, Changkyun outs him to all of his friends, completely ruining his ‘good boy’ persona, then, after knowing good and well what mess he made, Changkyun decides to give him more shit to clean up? On top of that, when Kihyun attempts to open his eyes to the bullshit mess he’s made, Changkyun pops a fucking boner? Kihyun was not about to let this slide, not tonight. Changkyun deserved some karma for all the crap he put Kihyun through.

Clenching his jaw, Kihyun rolls his hips against Changkyun’s crotch, his eyes wide as he processes that not only is Changkyun ridiculously hard, but that he’s also huge. Jesus, this is so much bigger than the toy Kihyun always uses… eyes getting a little hazy, Kihyun rocks his hips again, shivering a little at how big Changkyun felt against him- oh wait, he couldn’t ignore that this was Changkyun he was grinding against.

“You need to explain to me how somebody could get hard in this situation,” Kihyun demanded, his voice stone cold and serious. Changkyun was at a bit of an impasse here, not sure if he should continue denying his almost masochistic attraction for Kihyun or just finally say it, but Kihyun rolled his hips against his, and that decision was made. Kihyun, whether he realized it himself yet or not, was getting turned on by the whole situation too- and Changkyun wasn’t planning on letting it go.  

“You’re so sexy when you get mad at me, I can’t help myself,” Changkyun replied. “Sometimes I do things on purpose just to get you all riled up,” he admitted, smirking a bit at the indignant look that passed over Kihyun’s handsome features- literally the most attractive face Kihyun could ever make.

“…So you mean to tell me that you’ve been purposefully getting me mad for your own pleasure?” Kihyun spits out, his anger boiling up. He slams his hips down onto Changkyun’s cock, his eyes pointed and lips pursed. “You’re getting all turned on because of how gross you fucking are?” Kihyun added, practically burning with rage. Changkyun’s lips curl up into a slow smirk, his heart pounding from the influx of erotic, intense sensations hitting him all at once.

“You could say that,” Changkyun noncommittally replies, blinking a few times as he feels Kihyun continue to rut against him. “But you’re not so different from me, Kihyun,” Changkyun states, startling Kihyun a bit. How could Changkyun and he be so similar? Changkyun answers Kihyun’s silent question by pushing a hand up the boy’s thigh, giving him a few seconds to push him away but oddly enough… Kihyun didn’t move.

“Before everyone showed up for the party, you were fucking yourself. I heard your moans carry throughout the whole dorm until seconds before the first guest arrived. You then scrambled around, running to the door to answer it,” Changkyun simply stated, making a flush rise to Kihyun’s cheeks.

“So? Your point?” Kihyun spat out, interrupting Changkyun’s story. Changkyun, without skipping a beat, continues.

“You think me getting turned on from your anger is perverse, don’t you?” Changkyun rhetorically asked, getting a slight nod from Kihyun despite the fact that both of them knew the answer. “Well, you’ve been talking to all of your friends with your little ass still soaking wet from fucking yourself. You can’t even keep your hands out of your pants for 10 minutes before your party starts, and yet I’m the gross one?” Changkyun asks, his eyes shining with an erotic, intense gaze that made Kihyun’s cock throb.

“That’s not true-!” Kihyun denied, even though he knew good and well that his ass had been dripping wet all night. Changkyun had hit the nail on the head, and Kihyun didn’t know how to reply, his heart racing. He’d been so horny lately, so desperate for action that his sessions with his cute purple dildo were becoming more frequent and much longer. He wanted to get fucked so bad it drove him crazy, and it was probably partially why he was so quick to anger lately. It didn’t help that Changkyun was stupidly attractive, either, and now paired with the current situation he was in, Kihyun was starting to think about things he’d never thought about before: namely, getting fucked by his own roommate.

“I could feel it and see for myself?” Changkyun asks, hoping that he didn’t cross a line here. It was one thing for Kihyun to be mad at him about his dirty clothes or trash, but it was another entirely for him to actually hate him forever. Kihyun purses his lips, blinking a few times as he realizes the lingering effects of alcohol were still in his system. He could just say he was drunk and a lil desperate, and honestly? He was. Besides, he didn’t give a shit about what Changkyun thought of him, so if he wanted to bang him, then why the fuck not. It’s not like Changkyun was going to think he was a whore or something, and if he did, then who cares.

“Do it,” Kihyun replied, trying to keep his tone harsh and cold, as if this was just a game and he wasn’t egging Changkyun on to finger his asshole. Changkyun bites his lip on a groan, his mind going crazy from the depravity of the situation. Kihyun was literally asking him to feel him up while straddling his lap, and not only that, but the party was still going on full swing in the room over. Changkyun bit his lip, praying that he could get Kihyun to moan like he always moaned on his little toys so that everyone knew exactly what they were doing~

Skirting his hand up Kihyun’s thigh, Changkyun looked into Kihyun’s face, watching his expression to make sure he didn’t cross a line or anything. When Kihyun’s stoic mug didn’t falter, Changkyun dipped his hand up the hem of Kihyun’s shorts, a little startled to see that he wasn’t even wearing underwear- but that didn’t stop him. Making it to his target, Changkyun brushed a finger against Kihyun’s entrance, his eyes widening as he feels how wet and erotically loose it was- clearly Kihyun’s dildo was a little bigger than Changkyun anticipated.

“It’s still wet~ you’re so dirty, Kihyun,” Changkyun drawled out, his voice seductive and heavy, like he knew all of Kihyun’s nasty little secrets, and honestly, at this point? He pretty much did. Kihyun bites his lip on a moan, his stubbornness getting in the way of actually enjoying Changkyun’s slender fingers pressing against his entrance.

“At least I don’t get off from my roommate calling me a slob,” Kihyun half-assedly replies, his voice shaking as Changkyun easily slips a finger inside him. “Oh fuck,” he curses out, his voice low and breathy as he finally is able to feel somebody else’s fingers inside him. He can’t even process the notion of telling Changkyun to stop at this point- the feeling is addictive and Kihyun needs it right now.

“But you do get off from your roommate’s fingers inside your slutty little ass,” Changkyun retorted, reveling in the pissed look Kihyun shot his way in reply as he easily slipped in another finger. Eyes widening, Kihyun’s back arches, and he clenches his jaw, still annoyed with Changkyun but his fingers felt so stupidly good he didn’t know what to do with himself.

“Just put in another finger, asshole,” Kihyun spits out, scrunching his eyebrows together and moaning low and hard as Changkyun does exactly what he says. God, and Changkyun was still so hard underneath him, probably getting off on the names Kihyun was calling him- knowledge that Kihyun didn’t know what to do with. On one hand, it kinda pissed him off that Changkyun wasn’t getting as mad as Kihyun wanted, but on the other… Kihyun wanted Changkyun’s cock inside him, and if the harsh words turned him on, then by god, Kihyun was going to vocalize his true thoughts.

“C’mon, harder, I’m not made of glass,” Kihyun demands, thrusting his hips down onto Changkyun’s fingers, his eyes half-lidded and lips firmly set in a scowl. Honestly, Changkyun already had three fingers inside him, and he probably shouldn’t be encouraging the boy to be any rougher, but his need and frustration outweighed rational thinking. Changkyun quirked a brow, a slightly condescending smirk crossing over his features. They both knew how desperate that sounded, and if Kihyun wanted it rough, then by god, Changkyun was going to give it to him rough. Thrusting his fingers hard into Kihyun’s wet entrance, Changkyun began pounding into the boy, reveling in the strained whimper that slipped from the older boy’s lips.

“I-Is that the best you can do?” Kihyun asked, but his voice was trembling, words slipping from his mouth with only half the anger he intended to portray. Changkyun felt a tinge of frustration bubble up, and he used one hand to grip Kihyun’s hip, the other still pounding away inside him. He knew he was fingering Kihyun hard enough to make the other boy sore for a few days, so why was he still giving him grief?

“Maybe if I was using something a little bigger, I’d be able to pound you like you so desperately need,” Changkyun retorted, his jaw clenched as he tried fruitlessly to make Kihyun’s guard drop. Kihyun’s cock hardened inside his shorts, and he bit his lip on a needy moan, eyes going hazy just from the thought of getting a dick right now. Unable to resist the temptation, Kihyun got off Changkyun’s lap, reveling in the wet pop that sounded in the air and the painfully empty feeling when Changkyun’s fingers slipped out. He quickly took off his shorts, now nude from the waist down.

“Then unzip your pants and do it,” Kihyun demanded, shooting Changkyun a hard glare. The situation was a little embarrassing, trying to fuck someone that Kihyun pretty much hated, but… he wanted it- to infuriate Changkyun further, watch that frustrated little face underneath him while he satisfied only himself… it was hot. Changkyun hastily unzipped his pants, pulling out his ridiculously hard cock with a little bit of effort. Jumping back onto the bed, Kihyun straddled Changkyun’s hips, grabbing the boy’s cock and lining it up with his ass.

Staring into Changkyun’s face, Kihyun slowly began lowering his hips, giving the boy enough time to back out if he needed to. Kihyun wasn’t about to go this far with someone unwilling, even if it was the roommate he hated. When Changkyun nods a little, Kihyun lowers himself onto Changkyun’s cock, pushing in just the tip. His eyes shining as he watches Changkyun groan in pleasure, Kihyun suddenly gets a rather devious idea.

Pulling back, Kihyun then begins fucking Changkyun’s cock- but only the tip. His legs are holding down Changkyun’s so that the boy can’t thrust up (easily) so he’s practically stuck here while Kihyun tortures him. Smiling and laughing a bit as he watches Changkyun start to get frustrated, Kihyun continues the teasing motion, his hips working hard.

“Isn’t this nice~” Kihyun teases, laughing a bit as Changkyun glares at him. Grabbing Kihyun’s hips, Changkyun desperately tries to force the boy deeper onto his cock- but it was to no avail.

“No, I’m barely inside,” Changkyun said, obviously frustrated. Chuckling, Kihyun raised a brow, continuing to minutely move his hips on Changkyun’s cock, his eyes mischievously looking down into Changkyun’s.

“It’ll have to do~” Kihyun said, obviously fully intending to continue doing this for as long as he pleased. A swell of annoyance and desperation rushed over Changkyun, and he roughly grabbed Kihyun’s hips, startling the boy just enough to shove him fully onto his cock- all the way to the hilt. Kihyun gasped, his lips parted lewdly and eyes rolling back as Changkyun grinds his cock against Kihyun’s deepest part. His dildo can’t even reach that far, but Changkyun can just rub against it like it was easy? Mind going crazy, Kihyun can’t even process the fact that Changkyun started thrusting into him until he almost slipped off the boy’s lap from the intensity.

“What do you think you’re doing?” Kihyun asked, his tone stern and serious, as if Changkyun had seriously done something wrong. Changkyun froze, his eyes staring up into Kihyun’s worriedly. “Did I say you could do that?” he asked, and then immediately answered himself. “No, I didn’t.” Changkyun swallowed dryly, his heart pounding in anticipation. Kihyun was really pissed now, and Changkyun couldn’t deny how fucking hot he looked glaring down at him.

“You’re gonna have to do it my way,” Kihyun coldly stated, using both hands to push Changkyun’s hands down above his head, staring down into the boy’s eyes without the slightest shred of mercy. Rolling his hips, Kihyun began fucking himself on Changkyun’s cock, holding eye-contact the entire time as he shoved Changkyun’s cock in and out, creating a delicious friction. Changkyun felt his heart pounding, and he desperately wanted to shove his cock in deeper, just to fuck with Kihyun… so he did.

“What did I just say?” Kihyun said, freezing his motions, eyes flickering with an undeniable anger that made Changkyun’s cock throb. “If you move your hips one more time, I’m going to leave you like this,” Kihyun threatened, although, truthfully, there was no way he could leave like this- not when he was this hard and aching. Changkyun bit his lip, eyebrows scrunching together as Kihyun slowly started riding him again. He wasn’t going to thrust, at least not yet- he had a plan- one that didn’t involve Kihyun getting up without at least one of them cumming.

Pleased that Changkyun was obeying him, Kihyun started to truly fuck him, his hips moving fast and hard on Changkyun’s cock, sucking him in and grinding like he was just some toy for Kihyun to cum on. Even though it was a little difficult fucking him so hard while holding his wrists down, Kihyun wasn’t about to release him now, not when Changkyun could use those hands to disobey him… so he kept them there. Luckily for them both, Kihyun was already getting close to cumming, so the mild discomfort was about to come to an end rather quickly.

Gasping as he hits a particularly good spot, Kihyun’s grip on Changkyun’s wrists loosens, and he focuses instead on grinding against that one spot over and over, riding Changkyun’s cock desperately. Moans were pouring from his lips now, but he didn’t even care, too obsessed with the pleasurable sensation to worry about any consequences. Sensing that Kihyun was about to cum, Changkyun breaks free from Kihyun’s hands, grabbing the boy’s hips and thrusting into him hard and deep. When Kihyun shoots him a look that’s a combination of anger and arousal, Changkyun feels his control slipping away faster than he can process, too focused on shoving his cock deep inside Kihyun’s addictively tight, wet heat.

At this point, Kihyun knew there wasn’t anything he could do to stop the inevitable from happening. As much as he wanted to shove Changkyun down and teasingly insert only the tip, he was too far gone to hold back his own orgasm, let alone anyone else’s. A few bitter protests slip from his lips in one final attempt to assert his dominance, and then, just a few seconds later, Kihyun cums hard all over Changkyun’s bare torso. Beneath him, Changkyun quickly pulls out, finishing himself off against the outside of Kihyun’s entrance.

Catching his breath for a few moments, the realization of what they just did hit Kihyun hard, and his eyes flew open, pulling himself away from Changkyun’s body in a half-drunk, half-orgasm-dazed flurry. This was the guy that made him clean his nasty Go-Gurt trash and never took his shoes off when he entered the dorm- why the hell did he just fuck him???

“Get out,” Kihyun demanded, getting off the bed and rapidly trying to locate his shorts. He could feel Changkyun’s cum on his ass and rage exploded out of him. “GET THE FUCK OUT!” Kihyun yelled, throwing Changkyun’s discarded shirt onto his head. Getting the idea, Changkyun scrambles up, rapidly zipping up his pants before scurrying out of the room- not even putting on his shirt before passing through the still crowded common area.

Shutting the door behind him, Kihyun groaned in frustration, hitting his forehead with his palm. What the fuck just got into him? He’d never usually do something like that… maybe he was more drunk than he thought… actually, he needed to get just a little bit more drunk to forget that even happened. Throwing on his shorts, Kihyun walks into the common room, relieved to see that Changkyun was nowhere to be found. The party was still going strong, and he was welcomed to the circle with an offered shot glass full of vodka. This was just what he needed.

The few weeks that followed were a little strained for Changkyun and Kihyun. They both immediately pretended like nothing happened, and that party was never brought up again, not even their mutual friends brought it up in their presence. Things were relatively back to normal after three weeks, and Kihyun pretty much had blocked it from his memory… that is, until a text from Minhyuk brought way too many feelings to the surface.

>>Minhyuk

Duuude you and Kyunnie need to throw a party again sometime, last time was so fucking hilarious.

>Kihyun

Yeah. Maybe someday.

>>Minhyuk 

OMG I almost forgot that y’all fucked at the last party LMAO,,, must’ve been pretty fuckin good from what we could hear ;)

Kihyun rolls his eyes at that last text, flopping onto his sheets and angrily typing out his next reply, his mind filled with memories of his most recent sexual encounter.

>Kihyun

It was a mistake.

>>Minhyuk

Oh c’mon~ I could hear those sweet little moans~ and Changkyunnie has been acting so weird ever since… maybe he has a crush on you or something! I’ve always felt like there was potential for you two

Inhaling sharply, Kihyun locked his phone, throwing it to the foot of his bed with flushed cheeks. Changkyun? With a crush on him? But Kihyun treated him like trash half the time, how the hell could he actually be attracted to him despite that? He suddenly remembered the little confession Changkyun told him before they fucked- that he actually got off on Kihyun’s anger. Maybe… maybe Changkyun really did have an attraction towards him.

“AGHHH!” Kihyun half-screamed in frustration, bringing his hands to his face and rolling around, not sure what to do with himself. Changkyun was really hot, and his cock was incredible- he knew that from experience, but to have a… a…

“I DO NOT HAVE A CRUSH ON MY ROOMMATE!” Kihyun yelled out, trying to convince himself that he wasn’t actually feeling the things he was most certainly feeling. Changkyun was different than anyone else Kihyun had ever been with, but he was exciting, unpredictable, sexy… maybe Kihyun just needed someone a little different.

But there was one major problem: what if Changkyun didn’t like him back? Then he’d just be a fucking idiot getting feelings for someone that was just fucking with him for fun. Annoyed, Kihyun grabbed his phone, typing out a hasty reply.

>Kihyun

There’s no way that little shit has a crush on me. Let’s do another party at your place- and soon. I need to get drunk.

[coalitiongirl]

ive been watching your scenes to rewatch and ive been crying at literally all of them. out of curoisity, what are your favourite ouat scenes? either sq or general? also side note, i love your latest fic, such an interesting premise. i get so scared every time someone says an order and emmas forced to comply, that scene with the trolls had me on edge. and the fact that cora must suspect something about emma now - im so scared but excited ahah :D have a nice day :)

OH I super dropped the ball on those omg, i have so many others!! but i haven’t been able to rewatch in a long time, it hard 😩

of course i LOVE almost every swan queen scene!! it’s hard for me to pick favorites because nearly every one pings something else inside me omfg. I don’t think there’s a single sq scene I couldn’t write an essay about WHOOPS. so lemme try to answer this with just some of my favorite non-sq scenes 😅

Emma in True North: hoo boy, this is probably in my scenes to rewatch but that scene on the road, MAN. there’s so much careful buildup with emma’s abandonment issues and how much she sees herself in nick and ava. and they have a chance she never does and dammit, she fights for them!! she fights for two kids just like her and they get their moment and jmo turns that realization into agony with sheer artistry in emma’s FACE in their final moment. god.

Regina in We Are Both: this was the episode that sold me on Regina! tbh i’d marathoned s1 as soon as they announced mulan was going to be in s2 so i hadn’t been focusing much on thinking before that?? and then suddenly there’s Regina, in all her rich and layered stories, and i fell hARD. the whole narrative of the episode- Regina resisting parental abuse until she becomes what she’s always feared to be free!! and that translating into her saying ‘no, this isn’t going to continue to the next generation. even if i lose the only thing that matters to me.’ do u ever stan!!! I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE VERY WELL. END ME.

Emma in Firebird: listen. never follow ur idols to ur next fandom or you’ll suddenly realize they actually hate women and then get ‘’’muted’’’ for ‘’’yelling at her too much’’’ but jane espenson did a GOOD with the flashbacks in this one (present day still literal and figurative hell tho!!). The concept of Emma’s jacket as armor isn’t an original one, but the execution was honestly stellar. Emma forging this connection with an older hardened woman who can’t let go of the past either!! emma destroyed and remade into the lady we met on her twenty-eighth birthday. GOD. SHE FINDS HER DAUGHTER. and i gotta say, the vulnerable-tearful-young thing jmo was doing w emma in s5 didn’t work for me in terms of what present day was trying to convey, but it’s a perfect fit for that flashback, i WEPT.

Regina in Quite A Common Fairy: Lana OWNS the cave scene with Tink, god. The depth and breadth of emoTION. The episode and the narrative itself builds it up from episode one! because this regina on the road to redemption but finally giving us a glimpse into the emotional and mental state she was in as the young queen- she has all this rage and she’s SUSTAINED by it, it’s her only real truth and constant and she’s terrified of what might happen if she lets it go for even an instant and chooses hope instead. (Lana’s voice when Regina says she’s afraid that without rage she might just ‘—float away’ is something that has stayed with me for a long, long time.) REGINA PULLING OUT HER HEART TO MAKE A POINT. far from the last time she will, but how affecting!! god!!

Emma and Snow in S1: There are a few moments i’m thinking of (and i’m literally writing this on the treadmill so pls forgive the lack of episode names) and all of them are so stellar, god. The moment when Snow finds Emma living out of her car early on. Snow and Emma sitting at the table at the loft holding hands. Emma lying down next to a crying Snow. Snow yelling at Emma for being so selfish when she tries running off with Henry?? EMMA SHOWING UP AT MARY MARGARET’S DOOR SEARCHING FOR A ~PERSON~ AND MARY MARGARET SILENTLY LETTING HER IN. Snow and Emma work best in S1 in the silences and the fights, where they’re allowed to just care and be family, and I treasure each of those moments as much as they do.

Regina and Zelena in the Kansas: There’s a lot of effort put into this dynamic right near what seemed like the end, playing with how exactly Zelena perceives her happy ending to go- and then Regina strikes it all down by being different, by changing, by being someone Zelena hadn’t believed either of them capable of. And then Regina goes to Zelena’s cell and offers her!! sisterhood!! my god. i instantly fell in love with the dynamic in that moment and i’m forever pressed that the ‘it’s nice to have family in town’ line was cut. because you can tell that regina craves family and craves unmaking this second monster of her mother’s and zelena was going to TAKE that second chance and hey! this seems the perfect time to go off-message and

Belle in Family Business and Heroes and Villains: imma be honest, i like belle just fine in the early seasons but i have zero interest in rumbelle, which means a lot of fast-forwarding through her scenes. But these two scenes were ENCHANTING. Mirror Belle preying on Belle with the truth that she’s afraid to face! Emilie does such a fantastic job conveying so much cruelty in that scene, I was gaping and enthralled and hoping shattered sight was going to work exactly like that (and tbh props to ginny for doing a hella creepy snow at the start of Shattered Sight). And that town line scene!!! What a stunning, evocative scene. Belle reclaiming agency and taking action in such a 100% cold-blooded but necessary way!! that’s my ravenclaw babe!!!

Mulan and Aurora: I was young, and I Believed, and I Believed for a very long time. I am appalled at my naïveté too, don’t worry.

Regina in Enter the Dragon: LOOK it’s not about the leather but it’s a lil about the leather!!! I really appreciate both Regina in the past and present in this one and also how gay it is, and I’m most charmed by lil evil pep talking nugget Regina who just wants you to be the very best villain you can be! It’s such an artful melding of the exuberance of young!Regina and the delight in chaos of eq!Regina and i, for one, am a fan.

Emma (and Henry) in The Stranger/An Apple Red as Blood: my gOD. Okay I think one of the first times I cried while watching this show was in Emma’s desperate, hysterical denial to August about the curse. She’s so clearly hit rock bottom and she’s TERRIFIED of believing and it’s breaking her. SHE DIDNT ASK TO BE RESPONSIBLE FOR EVERYONES HAPPINESS. SHE DOESNT WANT IT. THAT IS CRAP!!!! i love her!! i love emma swan!!! i do!!!!! and then moving into the end of the next episode when she tells henry she’s leaving and just!! ‘henry! life isn’t a story!’ man this show had some incredible early work. sigh. emma kneeling in front of henry begging him to listen! my god.

Regina in the Cricket Game: so i’m leaving out all my fave sq moments which severely limits the number of regina and emma scenes i can talk about here but the flashbacks in this one SURE ARE SOMETHING. regina has hit rock bottom in this set and you feel it in every moment, in her REGRET THAT I HAVE NOT CAUSED MORE PAIN and frickin stABBING snow and that dark scene with the candle oh god. this is a regina who doesn’t think about looking back anymore but who doesn’t think about looking forward, either, and she’s terrifying. it reminds me a lot of the scene later this season in Welcome to Storybrooke where she takes out snow’s heart and ‘see? i can have everything’ but there are tears sliding down her face. regina in enraged despair is something to behold!!

Henry (and Emma and Regina) in Operation Mongoose: Henry doesn’t often get lengthy times to shine that aren’t about other characters, but he was literally a YA hero in the author’s universe! man! what a kid! and his scenes with bandit Regina are some of my all-time favorites, as is that heartstopping moment when he reaches the top of that tower and flings the door open and Emma KNOWS him. reader, i wept. i wept hard. talk about your earned moments!!!

Emma as Dark Swan: posture! clothing! positioning! voice work! dark swan was a revelation i’m still rightfully bitter about, because she was EVERYTHING in those early episodes. the way she caressed snow’s face in first episode of 5a. the faux-innocent with the calculating eyes on the ship with whats-his-name. every interaction with henry where she was trying to be a PERSON. the way she moved! the way she felt more reptilian than human! i wanted to know everything about her!! (then i did and quit the show lol) honestly some of jmo’s best acting to date, i’m forever in awe.

That Still Small Voice: look, this is an episode about a cricket and it remains one of my favorite quality ouat episodes. Archie sells it best as an adult influenced by his past without quite knowing it, and Archie and Henry make for a really engaging dynamic in here. There is nothing about Archie’s professional behavior that doesn’t make me want to scream but this remains a very, very good episode.

Emma in Sympathy for the De Vil/Lily: okay this is cheating a little because so much of this is also Regina but!! Emma individually shines in this narrative and throughout 4b. From the moment she finds out about what her parents had done, you can watch it slowly draining a part of her?? yes her eyes got redder but there was also this kind of apathy about EVERYTHING. And tbh the Cruella episode is pretty awesome on its own (I love the slow revelation that Cru is the villain, what a stellar execution of a fave trope) but WHEN EMMA KILLS HER. In the exact moment that Cruella says ‘heroes don’t kill’. that’s what pushes emma over the edge!! and then emma ready to kill again the next episode because she feels like she’s sliding into an abyss, i couldn’t BREATHE. emma is incredible when the narrative lets her be angry, and i wanted So Much More. Speaking of which, Emma getting angrier and angrier and almost losing it in The Snow Queen was more of that anger!! i am HUNGRY for it.

Regina and Snow in The Evil Queen: This episode is messy af but damn did my heart skip a beat when a hooded hero saves Regina and tears off her hood and it’s SNOW. This episode does so much of what makes Snow/Regina so fascinating and frustrating, both in the present and the past. Their interactions in the woods moved me! changed me! and Regina had already crossed the point of no return but oh man, oh man, the way they’d almost gotten somewhere for a minute there.

Regina and Henry in Save Henry: A classic, a work of art, and I’ve said so much about it in the past that I’m exhausted just thinking about expressing it all again now. But what a STORY of an evil queen who falls in love with a little boy. What a narrative!! The promo pictures from this episode came out when I was sitting in the hospital for a checkup while I was expecting my daughter, and I was tearing up and the nurses thought it was about the ultrasound. I’M NOT PROUD. This is a love story!!! And it culminates again in A Curious Thing, by the way, which put another ten years on my life, an Epic !

Emma and Henry in New York City Serenade: boy was this a journey, but I was absolutely spellbound omg. This was a love song to a fantasy but it’s a fantasy that never unmakes Emma– she’s afraid of commitment and happiness and everything permanent in her life that isn’t Henry, but she’s still going to take that leap despite herself. It’s a wonderful character study that captures Emma’s essence in a new world, with a new past.

Snow in The Miller’s Daughter: Snow is at her best when the show isn’t painting her with rose-colored glasses and we get to see her darker side, and I don’t think she ever gets quite as dark in the first three seasons as she is when she’s standing there, smiling earnestly at Regina as she tells her that the key to Cora loving Regina is in the poisoned heart she holds. My god. It’s so incredibly cold-blooded and vile, and it’s absolutely the kind of manipulative pragmatism that suits Snow best. I am enthralled and horrified.

Neal and Emma and Henry and Gold in Manhattan: This is one of those really cool scenes where even though I don’t particularly care for half the characters within it, everyone acted the hell out of it and it’s so GOOD. There’s so much tension and you’re holding your breath through the squabbling, and then Henry shows up and you KNOW. You know what’s going to happen and you’re terrified for Emma and it’s so visceral, right up until the instant when Neal demands Henry’s age and Henry shouts ELEVEN and my god, my god. What a reveal. What a scene.

There are more!! so many scenes and moments i’ve loved over the years. Emma and young!Lily! Snowing in Snow Falls! Anna of Arendale!! Snow and Emma in Lost Girl!! Ruby in Red Handed! The David/Emma dragon fight in A Land Without Magic! Regina tearing out that heart in The Doctor and meeting Daniel again?? Regina and her father in hell. all of Hat Trick. i think twenty is a good place to stop, but hoo boy, when this show was good, it was GOOD. alas.

[knightofbalance-13]

White Fang are Freedom Fighters...well, WERE.

http://commanderlotus.tumblr.com/post/159856767904/im-just-gonna-go-out-on-a-limb-here-and-say-adam

Looks like we have a new contender in the rwde tag. Let me officially welcome you to the shithole by ripping apart your post apart!

i’m just gonna go out on a limb here and say adam taurus deserves better and rooster teeth should let me give him his own show where he’s the anti-hero fighting against the horrors of the world but he also is still a person and has feelings and relationships and a family and basically, he has everything they denied him in making him a shitty angst fuel plot prop and them fucking up their race story in a pretty dang racist manner (which is both hilarious and terrifying)

Let’s go through this and show this DOES NOT work:

A. Adam does NOT deserve anything positive: The man has gone well beyond the acceptable norm or raging against racism by lobbing off Yang’s arm, breaking up peaceful protests, attempting to kill innocent people in the Black Trailer because they’re human, abusing Blake and basically turning her into a fear filled shell of herself and demanding genocide! The only thing he deserves is his face blown off by Yang.

B. Here’s the thing about making a villain into an Anti-hero: This only works if the villain was an Anti-villain in the first place. It only worked with Vegeta due to him constantly being faced with greater evils thus there was some comparative good in him and it only worked with Viral from TTGL because he was honorable and already tried helping humans despite his own racism against them. So far, Adam is the worst person in RWBY. Salem has a better and more believeable chance of becoming an Anti-hero due to her not discriminating about who she uses and who she kills (Tyrian is a Fanaus and Cinder is a women so she has both cards checked there and Salem has made no attempts to spare Fanaus from her destruction) whereas Adam does in fact discriminate between who he kills and who he saves if any. In fact, it’s not even stated if his genocide goal is for Fanaus sake: He may just have a serious murder boner that can only be saited by the extermination of a race. So making that into a hero of any kind is akin to saying Dio Brando wasn’t a dick: Utterly ridiculous.

C. He had a chance to have a family and relationships with someone: Blake. He could have not abused her and actually be a decent person and he could have kept his relationship with her and made a family with her. But nope, like a sociopath, he instead choose to abuse Blake and drive her away then proceed to blame it all on her before promising to destroy everything she loved for leaving him. He had his chance and he smashed it: Get over it.

D. SHitty angst plot huh? A realistic depiction of what happens when you fight an enemy for so long (you become them) as well as a realistic depiction of what abuse does to a person thus giving Blake human problems and feelings? Yeah sure. And it’s not like you’d just give him a truly angsty plot right? (He was abused by racism by like group of humans so he goes on a heroic crusade to kill all humans, including the likes of Ozpin, Yang and Ruby AKA people who are ACTUALLY making the world better. That sound about right?)

E. And it racist to think that just because a group was oppressed that means that they can act and do whatever they want, including actions that are objectively worse than who they fight. (Jacques and Adam maybe equally hated but that’s only because Jacques is more personal than Adam. On the grand scheme of things, Jacques has never called for genocide. Although I doubt he’d stop it if he’d make money.) You can’t let that shit fly otherwise you are being racist.

F. Here’s the thing: You say that the plot line has changed in the show around the WHite Fang when that was ALWAYS how the White Fang were shown. They were only ever positive when Blake described them in their beginning and even now they are said to be destructive and racist by their OWN members and any fanaus OUTSIDE of them. Because an oppressed group can do no wrong I guess *Cough* Black Panthers *Cough*) Yeah, huamns can be dicks but I doubt every single person should die because of their race....Look at that, by trying ti not be racist you went and became racist. Funny how that works huh?

In short: Get over the fact that an oppressed group can be as bad as their oppressors and accept reality.

[mllemaenad]

Personally... I feel that WEaWH tries to remove itself from TME because it realizes that TME is fucking irredeemable garbage, and tries to make its WLW representation less appalling. So I'm entirely willing to overlook continuity errors for the sake of one relationship between women in the entire series that can go well.

I’m sorry, but I don’t believe that. I’m not going to argue with you on the merits of The Masked Empire, as you’re entitled to like or dislike any media you choose, but I don’t think Bioware is trying to distance itself from the novel. I also don’t think their motive is positive representation, or that they’re seriously suggesting a happy ending. However, even if they were I would call the choice to reunite Celene and Briala without any serious examination of the issues that drove them apart … disquieting.

1) On distancing themselves from the novel.

To begin with the obvious, several of the Dragon Age novels provide not only context for the quests in Inquisition, but also promotional material maintaining audience interest between games.

It’s hardly an accident that Asunder is a prequel to In Hushed Whispers/Champions of the Just, The Masked Empire is a prequel to Wicked Eyes and Wicked Hearts (as well as giving you a roundabout introduction to Solas) and Last Flight provides you with some context on why Weisshaupt is just no help at all during Here Lies the Abyss.

They do kind of want you to buy all their stuff. And if you started with Inquisition and liked what you saw, they want you to run back and buy all the earlier stuff for context. Video game tie-in novels aren’t generally considered high art, so they’d need serious reasons to want to reject the novel as part of their canon. Just in case, I checked The Masked Empire’s Amazon page, and it’s currently got 4.4 stars – so it doesn’t look like something they’d be particularly desperate to ignore. They’d rather you bought it and gave them money.

To move more to the specific, the game references the novel constantly. In addition to devoting a whole main quest to resolving its plot, it also includes cameos from Mihris, Michel and Imshael, which really serve no other purpose than to provide a bit of closure to the people who read the novel and wondered what became of them. This is actually more than it provides for, say, the characters of Asunder: Rhys and Evangeline appear only in a war table mission, Adrian doesn’t appear at all – and who knows where Shale has wandered off to.

It also references the murder of Briala’s parents directly:

Cole: She’s still behind the curtains in the reading room, watching the blood pool on the floor.

Briala pulled the red velvet curtain aside. Her hands shook as she did. There was a pool of red on the floor of the reading room, staining the rich Nevarran carpet. It had spread almost to the curtain.

At the other end of the pool were Briala’s parents.

– The Masked Empire

If they really wanted to distance themselves from The Masked Empire, they wouldn’t put that in there. If they wanted to say that that this didn’t happen, they’d have retconned the story – or at the very least not mentioned it.

In fact, the choice of words is particularly distressing. Cole senses pain. When he says Briala is ‘still behind the curtains’ he’s emphasising that the trauma and anguish are still very much with her, making a reconciliation, particularly a reconciliation that utterly fails to address a thing that they have confirmed happened, even stranger.

 I would say that one motive for their choice to reconcile the two characters is simplicity. I like parts of Inquisition, but honestly it’s over ambitious. They set up a series of continent-wide catastrophes, each one intensely political: the mage rebellion, the Orlesian civil war, the collapse of the Chantry.

Each one probably requires its own game for a satisfactory solution. I realise they were probably going for something similar to the galaxy-wide political collapse in Mass Effect 3, but the Dragon Age games are at a serious disadvantage because they lack continuity of characters.

Mass Effect 3 had its own problems, of course, but for example – I think most people have fun curing the genophage for the krogan. But what they remember is Mordin Solus and ‘There’s a reaper in my way, Wrex!’ When it worked it was able to build on characters who were present across the series.

Inquisition is faced with trying to find resolutions for groups of people that have no direct connection to each other, and whom the protagonist has never seen before (even if they player has). This is hardly the only time their attempt to fix everything in a single quest ends up making no sense.

2) On positive representation

I’m afraid I don’t think what we get in Wicked Eyes and Wicked Hearts is especially positive. I think it’s … kind of infantilising, really, and has a whiff of sexism about it. I mean – again, I’m not asking you to like The Masked Empire. But this:

“It would have been a locked suite in the palace for a few years, nothing more!” Celene kept her voice low, aware that Michel and Felassan had stopped planning and were looking their way. “It would have changed nothing for us.”

“Your hair still stinks of the smoke from the people you burned,” Briala said. “That is a change.”

The dead leaves crackled under Celene’s feet as she stepped forward. “How many wars can our empire survive in such a short time? I wanted my legacy to be the university, the beauty and culture that made us the envy of the world. Instead I may be known as the empress under whom Orlais fell. You have the luxury of mourning Halamshiral’s elves and holding my heart hostage. Sitting on my throne, I see every city in the empire. If I must burn one to save the rest, I will weep, but I will light the torch.”

Briala swallowed. “You’re not weeping, as far as I can tell. Nor are you sitting on your throne. She stepped away, her movements fast and jerky. “With your permission, Your Radiance, I shall go indulge myself in my luxury.”

– The Masked Empire

… is at least an argument between adults, with the details of what they believe laid out. Celene honestly believes that the empire and her legacy are worth 'a few thousand elven lives’: she believes that maintaining the strength of Orlais is worth thousands of lives in sacrifice, as is the vision she has for the country’s future. Briala is facing up to the fact that this is the bargain she’s made: stay with Celene and she might see an elven scholar graduate from the university – but she’ll likely also see elves burn every time there’s a crisis, because elves are the most expendable people in the empire.

Briala wavers throughout the novel, obviously, because there is genuine feeling between herself and Celene. But the discovery that this has all happened before, that this is not the first time Celene has shed elven blood to impress her rivals and gain power, and that her own parents were among the victims, brings her to a decision.

You don’t have to like it, but these women are serious about what they want and believe.

But in Wicked Eyes and Wicked Hearts we get stuff like this:

Sera: Elves-elves-elves, but it’s really a pissing match with an old lover. Don’t know the rest but that explains a lot.

It’s hardly coincidental that they chose Sera to say this. Sera the commoner, who despises the nobility. Sera the Red Jenny, with contacts in every corner of Thedas. True, Sera’s background has led her to reject a lot of elven culture, but her biggest objection is usually to ‘moping’ about the past. This:

Briala thought for a moment. “Celene and Gaspard saw an army, but that would be fighting their fight. With the paths, I could get food to alienages where elves would otherwise starve. They would let me move ahead of an oncoming army and warn the target, or move behind them and attack their supply lines.”

– The Masked Empire

… sounds more like the practical stuff she favours: she’s said getting revenge would be a preferable option, and this is getting food to the poor, terrorising the nobility and giving little people a shot at being part of something bigger. But now we can’t take it seriously, because Sera has reduced it to a lovers’ tiff.

That isn’t meant as a criticism of Sera, to be clear. They do this when they want a mouthpiece. This is the equivalent of having Cole approve of Cullen.

And as for it going well, this is their epilogue slide:

Where once war raged, there is now a shaky peace. Orlais is resurgent, the empress a patron of arts and culture.

Many attribute this recovery to her lady love, though others wonder how long their reunion will truly last.

– Epilogue (Inquisition)

I mean – maybe they’ll forget about this. They have been known to forget their epilogue slides. But it doesn’t read as though the intent was to write a strong and loving partnership. Rather it looks as though they are selling the relationship as tempestuous.

That’s one place where I am very uncomfortable. This is the revolt of an oppressed people, and the politics an empire. And there’s a sense that they’re saying ‘Oh, those women and their emotions! Today they love each other; tomorrow they’ll hate each other; the day after they’ll probably love each other again. You never know, with women.’

I appreciate that Bioware is fairly progressive, for a game company: the character choices, the romance options, the NPCs – they are trying to represent a variety of races, genders and sexualities. But it doesn’t mean they never fuck up. I mean, there’s a bit in Mark of the Assassin where Isabela tells Hawke that Gamlen has been sexually harassing her and two responses blame her (You find something inappropriate?/Break him. And wear pants.).

Given that they are already struggling to resolve a massive plotline in a ridiculous amount of time, I’m not surprised they fell back on this. It’s narrative shorthand, and that can be handy for desperate situations. But it’s still sexist shorthand, and I very much wish they hadn’t done it.

3) Removing The Masked Empire from the equation doesn’t solve the problem

I mean, it makes some of the bigger issues like Briala’s dead parents a little easier to miss, sure, but it doesn’t make the problems go away.

I appreciate that representation is important. I do. But romantic relationships between women are not the only representation issue at stake, here. There’s no single source for the elven people, of course, but it’s easy enough to see that Bioware has borrowed from the experiences of Jewish, Romani and aboriginal peoples living under empires and/or colonialism.

And have we ever established that it is shit to be an elf. The city elf origin story in Origins is an abduction/rape/murder combo. The Dalish clans in Origins and DA2 can be slaughtered. It’s terrifyingly easy to kill off clan Lavellan in war table missions, and even though this is the protagonist’s family the game doesn’t make a thing of it. There’s a whole side quest in DA2 about a serial killer who targets elves, and who keeps getting away with it because no one gives a shit. We are up to our eyeballs in codex entries on the treatment of elves.

And here we have Briala, the leader of a rebellion in Orlais – one of the nations best known for oppressing the fuck out of the elves and trying to destroy their culture.

Even without The Masked Empire this is:

a) providing only the most minimal description of the nature of her rebellion and what she hopes to achieve.

b)allowing her to be dismissed as primarily involved in a lovers’ tiff.

c) pairing her with a woman the game actually says massacred the Halamshiral elves.

d) using the massacre as evidence against her because she was sleeping with Celene, rather than as evidence against the woman who actually committed it.

That’s … all pretty shitty, even at the simplest level. The game doesn’t address any of this. It doesn’t even force the characters to discuss what happened before throwing them back together. It spends as much time tsking at Briala for destabilising Orlais as it does Celene and Gaspard. It loves the idea that they’re all as bad as each other – which allows the player to justify just about any ending.

And this is a thing they do repeatedly: they tsk at the mage rebellion as well. They seem to be very good at describing the sufferings of the elves, the mages, the casteless dwarves … but don’t approve of them actually doing anything about their oppression. At least not anything more forceful than writing a stern letter of complaint (for those lucky literate characters!) to the local lord or revered mother.

And so minimising the problems of Celene and Briala’s relationship, and waving a locket around (which, even out of context, does not seem like a forceful enough declaration of love to startle Briala) does … not strike me as very respectful of peoples who have suffered under empires, and who have had to fight tooth and nail for every sliver of justice.

It’s not that I want to exclude a healthy, positive romance between two women in order to have Awesome Revolutionary Briala. I just don’t understand why we couldn’t have both.

Couldn’t Briala show up with a new girlfriend? Do it properly: give her a codex entry and make her active and important in the quest. Show the two of them both being affectionate and working together for the cause. Make sure that at least some of the possible quest endings leave them alive, together and continuing to better the lot of the elves.

I can understand that you may not like The Masked Empire and may want to exclude it from your personal headcanon. That’s absolutely fine, obviously. But I do not believe that was Bioware’s intent in writing the the Briala-and-Celene reconciliation, and I still have serious issues with it.

[drmariefeuer]

Character Matters

Character Matters

You do not have to be a pathological narcissist to act like one. Many people have narcissistic tendencies and can “act out” in ways that match true narcissistic pathologies.  You are not either a narcissist or not, you can have tendencies at times that need your attention.  Narcissistic tendencies can arise from the walking wounded who continue to avoid their inner work, their inner healing, unconsciously continue attention-seeking behaviors and controlling behaviors as a way to regulate, contain, and sublimate their unhealed emotions.

These are often covert, co-dependent type people who cannot speak up for their own needs and boundaries and instead consistently manipulate everyone around them because when they were helpless children that is what they had to do to survive. However, now they are adults, capable of having the courage to heal. And it will take courage. And it will take actions and behavior changes and all of that means taking risks, or what will feel like risks.

What do some of these manipulations look like? Under-functioning or presenting as the victim: (See Harriet Lerner, The Dance of Intimacy): so that people around them will do all the work, all the emotional labor of the relationship. People pleasing: In order to win complements but also so that one will not be held accountable or responsible for actions, behaviors or choices. “I was only doing what you wanted me (or “pushed” me) to do. Seduction: Flirting, using “subtle” sexuality (such as a focus on always looking good, dressing subtly sexy, sending subtle sexy vibes not really wanting sex, and so much more) on a regular basis, usually in all encounters and with both sexes as a way to ensure that one will receive “love”, attention and again as a way to avoid accountability and responsibilities. After all, s/he is so “cute” and “nice” surely s/he “just made a mistake” and “didn’t mean to do it” as they blow off another responsibility or work or commitment. Silence: By not talking one “gleans” information in order to constantly “figure out” what to say, how to say it, even when to laugh or cry on cue in order to “fit in” yet remain “invisible and therefore again, not be held accountable for any choices because their choices remain hidden in the silence and apparent acquiescence by using all their energy to “blend in” with the current company. Choosing to have relationships with wounded people: By unconsciously or consciously choosing to pursue relationships with people in trouble (divorce, depression, going through big changes, walking wounded, sexual abuse survivors, etc.) and presenting yourself as in a “better place” one is able to “look good”, like a rescuer or a hero and because one is now in a position of being “needed” by a needy person and again this is a built in exit door where one can slide out of responsibilities and accountabilities. After all, if you are “needed” you can count on the other person not risking losing you by holding you accountable to your commitments, choices, and responsibilities or your behaviors. All will be “forgiven”  because the person in need, needs you.

You don’t have to be a narcissist to have narcissistic tendencies or behaviors, especially covert narcissistic tendencies so don’t get hung up on the label. If you cannot set and hold boundaries, if you cannot directly hold to your commitments or honestly renegotiate them if circumstances change, if you cannot in general express your opinion or tolerate diversity and differences (instead of always guessing how to “fit in”, if you tend to  hang out with needy people only, or people who you sense are physically attracted to you or what you have to offer—or what they imagine you have to offer because you present that, you have some work to do and behaviors to clean up . As you learn to identify them, you can choose to heal and learn new responses and behaviors…. or not. But at the very least, start to own your choices.  For more detailed information on this material, see Dr. George Simon’s book titled Character Disturbances.

How does on respond when coming up against these covert, often (but not always) unconscious behaviors? Again, I refer you to Dr. Simon’s book as well as his interviews on YouTube and as Dr. Ramani’s work on narcissism on YouTube.  Stop giving people, adults, “a break”. That is how they got this way in the first place. You are not their therapist or their emotional cure or punching bag. Set boundaries, hold them accountable for respecting your boundaries and also for honoring their commitments, and expect outrages responses, everything from victim manipulation to rage. Yes they don’t know any better, but letting it go only reinforces the behaviors. And you have a right to your needs, desires, and boundaries and to expect reasonable commitments and renegotiation of commitments whether they be personal or professional.

If the person is inconsequential to you, yes, walk away. It’s not worth it. It is not worth having to go through the always victim manipulative, or silence (expecting you to do the emotional labor to fix the situation or conversation), or retaliatory attacks. Retaliatory attacks can be physical, withholding sex, setting a retaliatory “boundary” “right back at you”, and verbal attacks often cleverly disguised as (unasked for) “feedback”.  My wounded students often start analyzing me and critiquing me as a form of retaliation when they feel threatened (their image/ego is blown or exposed) or when they are being held accountable, instead of bringing up issues when things are calm and good which is the time to bring up issues to discuss and make changes as needed. These kinds of retaliatory actions, behaviors and choices (and there are others) are excellent red flags to identify the narcissistic defensive behaviors of the walking wounded who will lash out rather than risk problem solving. And it is not worth going through all of these if the person is not someone important to you.

People think conflict and conflict resolution are red flags. Yes they can be, depending on how it is handled and the subject matter. But choosing silence and keeping the peace as a priority over becoming a better person, or having a better relationship means you are choosing to protect your ego at all costs. The nice a polite culture is, currently, a scourge and a plague. If you love someone or care about them, you are willing to go through the labor of love to work things out and will choose that over your need to look good, be right, get by, keep the peace, hide in silence, flee, retaliate or other choices of control. Conflict resolution takes a willingness to give up control of your emotions and your ego, in order to listen, hear and negotiate. Meditation, prayer, spiritual practices are needed and are excellent. But they are not meant as an escape from responsibilities nor are they a substitute for hard actions that need to be taken in order to evolve in this lifetime, should you choose to walk that Path. Life itself will force you to grow, or you can risk jumping into the growing yourself without waiting for life circumstances becoming so difficult and painful that you have to make changes. It is your choice. Either choice will require risks and hard actions.

Below is a link to Brene Brown’s podcast discussing how white folds prefer to feel comfortable, be nice and polite, rather than become a better person. Why did I post this? Because becoming an anti-racist is related to becoming an authentic person. It is a choice, not (at this time) a necessity. Giving up your covert controlling narcissistic behaviors is also a choice. You can get away with it for a lifetime. Becoming a better person is a choice. You can stay with your current behaviors and choices and just keep “moving on” rather than stay and grow. This podcast addresses the subtle nuances of the heart and courage and commitment it takes to become a better person, a more spiritual person, a more authentic person. While it uses anti-racism as an example, it is applicable to any set of behaviors you have discovered in yourself that you now feel compromises who you are, your quality of life, your quality of being.

https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/bren%C3%A9-austin-channing-brown-on-im-still-here-black/id1494350511?i=1000477381573

                                                                                                                                                                                                                                   Journey On.

Dr. Marie

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[survivorbouvetisland]

Episode #3: “Find out next time on total drama suck my ass” - Andrew

Bodhi

I'm pretending to have been told to vote for Kelsey, but in reality I knew exactly who was leaving, and I just wanted to see what happened. So I called out my old tribe in the swapped tribe chat and Kelsey is explaining what happened to me while I call Trixie and Nehemiah snakes. I quite like those two and I kinda regret calling them out for something they didn't do like that, but it's FUN.

QuilLynn

So im on albatross now and I couldn't be happier! so far everyone seems nice, i've only talked really to shea and roxy but i really like both of them so far. The only person i'm with from skua is austin, but he can go tbh if he needs too, noah fence I just don't really have a relationship with him and im here to win and make some drama!

I tried to get a higher score on this reward challenge than i think the other team will get altogether. I hope it will establish me as a threat and serious player in this game. I'm trying to integrate with Shea, Roxy and Ali, because I know old albatross is going to stick together, I'm hoping i'll be able to work with them but I trust nobody 100% in this game. I told Shea that if I get an idol clue i'd share it with him, that's half true. If i get an Idol clue and find myself in the same situation as i was in at Skua then I'll get his advice with the idol, but if i find that bitch its mine! 

stop spelling my name wrong @hosts it quillynn (two n's like how you all seem to have two 21st chromosomes)  im going to POP OFF..... im jk love you guys <3, but it is two n's 

Roxy's opinions are wrong sorry. Also @my tribe thanks for the all work in the challenge. I really feel like i'm going to be dragging this team through these challenges. At least trixie did something at this point she's the only one i wouldn't be okay with voting out.

I feel like with me on this team there is no way we lose a music video challenege, even though pretty much everyone seems to not want to be involved in it. I wanted to take editing too, but i let trixie take it because she said to me she was really good and i didn't want to come off as a total control freak, although i'm sure i still will... I will probably still help with the editing tbh. I just want to win! 

I tried confiding in shea that I had an idol clue in hopes that he'd be able to give me some info about old albatross and also build trust, but i don't think it really worked. I like shea, but don't trust him. He didn't give me much and said roxy was the best in the scavanger hunt. When I went to roxy and asked her about the same challenege she said she was too busy to do basically any of it. To be fair I don't believe her either, but i might need to talk to one more person before I really can find out which one is lying and who has the first clue for the albatross idol

There is a crack starting to present itself within the old albatross tribe. Shea and roxy clearly don't get along. I believe i could convince roxy to vote shea out if i needed too, i just would need to solidify the rest of the votes which might be hard since i haven't talked much to the other non-albatross members. I also like shea and would want him to stay over roxy but realistically it would be harder to get his vote and I have a gut feeling that we should take him out asap if we get the opportunity. 

We won, DUH. Skua's was shit ours was great, the judges were clearly on crack for lowballing our scores. 

Trixie, Nehe, Austin, and myself might make an "outsiders" alliance amongst our tribe. Based on performance in the the last immunity challenge I'm contemplating throwing the next in order to get shea out. If we have our alliance plus maybe the vote of roxy or ali we'll be able to do it. 

Jacob

Hey look, new tribes! I'm glad to see Bodhi! <3 And now I can get to know some more new people. I'm pretty excited overall, but I guess only time will tell how this turns out in the end.

Welp. That challenge was a bust. At least Regan is asking us to vote her out so we don't have to worry about the vote. I keep forgetting we have to do confessionals through this thing instead of just dropping them in the Host Chat.

Trixie

RIP dana. She had so much to live for. I can't believe she smacked her head and now she's dead. She deserved it for putting me in this tribe. JK everyone is very lovely and I'm trying to snuff out the problematics from the ppl I can trust.

This. Girl. Is. The. Nastiest. Skank. Bitch. I. Have. Ever. Met. Do. Not. Trust. Her. She. Is. A. Fugly. Slut. #Mean-Girl-Dana@notgivingmeareward.com JK!!! <3 

I'M LIVING FOR THIS FIGHT. BUY PRAYING ON ITUNES.

I just finished the music video, I hope everybody likes it!

I'm sorry but can I just fucking say I spent like 2 hours editing that 5 minute music video and not even a single 10/10 by the judges. Get fucked! I know we won but Skua's was less than a minute long and some bitch judges have the audacity to give us lower scores than them. Yikes @ these judges, learn how to judge

I'm thinkin aboot making an alliance with Quillynn and Nehe. Quillynn is up for this and said that maybe we can add Austin to make an alliance of 4 that way we can have half the votes on our team. I'm worried Albatross will just try to pick us off since we're the leftovers of Skua & Adelie

Andrew

Will Jacob ever agree with anything? Find out next time on total drama suck my ass

Regan

MY TRIBE IS FULL OF ANNOYING FUCKS. I hate this tribe swap no one wants to agree on any song we pick which are all bops by the way. 80s songs in general are bops!!!!!

I didnt think it was possible to hate the tribe this much..... its not a music video if youre using like audio clips from random shit thats just a video idk i dont find it creative i hate rupauls drag race so fucking much.  im sorry our tribe is full of weirdos but like????

Nicholas

no offense but why is my entire tribe inbred

Zack

I hope my tribe does well with those music video. I will be in a car for thirteen hours and cannot do lip sync without having to do a long explanation as to why I'm doing it.

Kelsey

Oh my...SO much has happened since the last week lovers, let me catch you all up. So first, tribal. It was quite clear that Trixie and Bodhi were on opposing sides than Ragan and Cole. Trixie really did feel it was best to eliminate Cole from the competition, but Ragan had her doubts as did I. I feel as if Bodhi is not the best...communicator. Cole wasn't either, but he was better. But regardless, I draw up a plan that says that Ragan, Cole, Nehe(who was in the center of all of it) and I vote out Bodhi, therefore keeping Cole around. We all agreed on it and I thought it was sickening...until we get to the vote and myself and Cole are the only ones to vote for Bodhi. Ragan chickened out at the last moment and Nehe said he wanted to force a tie. L U D I C R O U S. Did they HONESTLY think that it would work if it tied? Oh, whatever. Trixie's happy, everyone assumes Ragan was the second vote, I'm still the sweet girl of the tribe. Whatever. And then we tribe swap...oh WHATEVER. I'm going to miss my romance island...especially now that we have to leave it FOREVER. Ragan and Bodhi both end up on the same tribe as me and, while it's nice to have the familiar faces, those two will probably not end up working together. Bodhi has a nice boiling rage for Trixie and Ragan and Ragan herself...is...so much more assertive on this tribe than she was last time. All these new people are also a bit scary to me...I don't think many of them particularly see themselves working with me and I know that's going to be deepened ever more after this challenge. All I can do is hope that I can make people like me like Gwen Stefani and slay...I know I'm not going to participate in this challenge. I have a fake name, I don't feel like revealing anything about myself...and it's tragic. I have to choose between a silly fear and a necessary challenge and I already know I'm picking fear. Not to mention there is a supposed music guru on the other side...I am just preparing myself for the worst. Oh, how I miss the Isles of Romance...no matter how messy it was...

And THAT'S all there is to it~! Can you pay my telephone billz? -Kelsey V Mikaelson

Well...that challenge was a thing. I expected it to be a particularly tough challenge...I did NOT expect to be left with doing the brunt of the work. I never expect editing to be so dificult...but my submission was made and honestly? I'm proud of it. I feel like it's sickening, not because of quality, but because I made it in three hours, odds against and I feel like it's wonderful. It may not be a music video but gosh...I'm proud. If I go home this week, I feel like I made something I can take with me and that's incredible. I do hope I don't leave...some of the reactions to the performance were less the incredible...but my name is Kelsey Mikaelson, darling. A lover's quarrel is nothing more than a love bite to me~! I wish myself the best...for strategy, I know, on my end, these people aren't as welcoming to a romantic such as myself. All I can do is...Pray. *rolls eyes* IT DIDNT EVEN HAVE ALL OF THE TRIBEMATES UGH X'D And THAT'S all there is to it~! Wish me luck, hen-pen-pals~! Yours truly, Kelsey V Mikaelson

Ali

IM LEGIT IN AN AlLIANCE WITH EVERYONE HELP ME!

Austin

OK so I still have zero social game. Apparently I was the last to be picked and that's pretty funny. I'm on a tribe with Nehe and Ali SO I formed an alliance with them and that was literally the first thing I said to them. They know I'm on vacation so I can't really talk much, but Ali seemed to be very into it. I've known Zack just as long as I've known Isaiah/Jay so he's 100% going to be a number for me considering this is his first ORG. I've literally fallen into a position of power without even trying. I told Ali/Nehe that Bodhi and I are a part of a secret twist called "Secret Lovers" and if we make merge then we can decide if we want to give immunity to two other players during round 1 merge. IVE LITERALLY SECURED SAFETY OFF OF BULLSHIT AND BODHI DOESNT EVEN KNOW!! Tbh just get me to merge with Jay, Zack, and Bodhi and I can guarantee final 3....Lmao I haven't even spoken to anyone