#but ill miss all the friends i made doing this
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juustokaku · 2 days ago
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Confidentiality - Chapter 8. - yandere!ATEEZ OT8 x f!reader
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Introduction: Joining a peer support group for mentally ill was a good idea for the last two times you were there. Then it's only natural for the third time to go well too, right?
Pairings: yandere!Hongjoong x reader, yandere!Seonghwa x reader, yandere!Yunho x reader, yandere!Yeosang x reader, yandere!San x reader, yandere!Mingi x reader, yandere!Wooyoung x reader, yandere!Jongho x reader
T/W: This story will include talk about mental health struggles such as body dysmorphia, paranoid thoughts and more. Possessive and obsessive behavior, stalking, manipulation, violence. Dark themes are to be expected. A brief situation of harassment (not by any of the members) in this chapter. A/N: Forgive me for the long wait! I hope the chapter won't be disappointing or incoherent... I like writing this story but my own judgmental thoughts honestly are a kill of joy. I'm happy to receive feedback, be it constructive criticism or positive words. I hope someone will enjoy this <3 Word count: 4 062 ------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Once again, you held the phone to your ear. The sound of the phone ringing was quiet and stable but it did not lessen your anxiety at all. Eventually it stopped ringing, leaving you in heavy silence. 
Jongho hadn’t answered this time either. You had tried to call him at least 20 times in a span of couple days, but it was like he had disappeared from the face of the Earth. Despite being upset at him, you were more worried than you wanted to admit. You also missed him, his stoic nature, and the unexpected moments of sweetness. 
Frustrated, you tossed the phone away. Was Jongho so childish and stubborn that he hid from you on purpose after you had kicked him out of your home? Or could he be in danger? You couldn’t help but feel bad for banishing him. That was how he probably wanted you to feel, but there was nothing to do about the feeling. 
Spring, the season of hope and new beginnings, was near so the weather was warming up. Still, it was already late in the evening. The nights at that time of the year were still cold, and you grabbed a warm jacket; one that did not attract attention. You feared the possibility that some creep would notice and follow you in the dimly lit streets of the little city you lived in. 
Maybe in another life you would have liked walks outside. But this world was evil. If you already hated being outside even in the daylight, when the moon rose on the sky, your senses were heightened to a maximum. 
The walk to Jongho’s place wasn’t practically that long despite it being on a completely different area of the city. He actually lived in a house instead of a crappy, crampy apartment like you did. 
You were always astonished by his house. It was of an appropriate size but screamed how rich he was. A slightly annoyed huff fell from your lips as you thought about how he had said you couldn’t go ice skating for it being too expensive. Dude lived in the most prestigious area of the city but complained about the cost of ice skating. The memory made you smile nonetheless. 
There was a gate separating his yard and house from the street. You rang the doorbell on it, wishing sincerely he’d let you in or at least talk to you. 
The weather wasn’t windy but you still felt cold. Maybe Jongho would see you shivering and let you in out of pity. That is if he was even alive anymore. 
The house stood dark and tall in front of you, and the only thing separating you from Jongho was the gate. Your heart clenched at the unbearable thought of having lost him forever. Losing his friendship felt even harder knowing that you had never had much friends in the first place. 
After 10 minutes, you walked away from the house, steps heavy with disappointment. You had driven Jongho away with your anger. It was difficult to remember in that moment that your anger had been completely justified. You just wanted to see Jongho again. 
As if the situation hadn’t been depressing enough already, small, cool drops of water fell on your skin. Even the sky was crying with you.  
You kept walking, bravely telling yourself that you didn’t care about the rain turning into a downpour. But eventually, it started bothering you too much. It was cold, wet and dark, and you felt yourself getting frustrated. 
You found a shelter next to a small grocery store that was nearing its closing hours. Sure, it would have been wiser to go inside the store to warm up for a moment, but you were just going to stay in the shelter for a moment for the rain to stop. 
Some people walked past you out of the store occasionally but you were too deep in your thoughts to pay attention to it. Then a voice of a man clearly talking to you snapped you out of it. 
“Waiting for the rain to stop, huh?” 
“Yeah,” you glanced at the man quickly, not wanting to give him too much attention. 
Noticing that the middle-aged man was dressed up in dirty clothes and reeked of alcohol made you already uneasy. But the look in his dazed eyes was more concerning; he eyed you up and down, and smiled at you. It was not a kind nor inviting smile. It was a predatory smile flashed at you with yellow teeth. 
“I can wait with you so you won’t be lonely.” 
You felt your heartrate speed up. There was no way that man had good intentions with the way he shifted closer to you. 
“Thanks, but there’s no need to... Your groceries should be taken to your fridge quickly before they get bad.” 
Your attempt to politely refuse his offer didn’t work. 
“Oh, sweet girl. Don’t worry, I don’t have any purchases that need immediate care,” the man grinned and moved closer once again to show the contents of his plastic bag. 
It didn’t surprise you to find the bag was filled with beer bottles. You had to come up with a new excuse. 
“What about your wife? She’s surely waiting for you already.” 
“Hm? You’re prettier than her. Not so wrinkly and not always nagging about my drinking.” 
You felt disgusted on so many levels; the man had no right to talk that way about his wife when he looked like a malformed abomination of a rat that had escaped from the sewers. Hell, no man should talk about their own wife like that, no matter the looks. 
“A pretty girl like you deserves a man like me. Young men nowadays are so feminine and sensitive,” the man smirked arrogantly, “A true man knows his own power and how to use it to his advantage.” 
Your hand slipped inside your pocket. It was not for warmth but for reaching the pepper spray. Everyone used to laugh at you for carrying that because you’d probably never have to use it. But you’d have the last laugh. 
“What are you hiding in your pockets?” the man’s eyes were directed at your hands, a deep frown settling on his face. 
“J-Just warming up my hands.” 
“Bullshit. Are you trying to call the police on me?” 
If you were afraid before, now you were definitely terrified. How could you even use the pepper spray when your hands were trembling in fear? 
“You stupid bitch. What did I even do? Women don’t appreciate compliments these days anymore!” the man shouted angrily, and instead of standing lazily like before, he turned his body wholly towards you. 
You couldn’t freeze in that moment. No way in hell were you going to let that man touch you. 
But as you were about to pull the pepper spray from your pocket, a familiar voice caught both your and the man’s attention. 
“Step away from her.” 
Your head snapped into the direction of the voice, and you noticed; Yunho stood there, firm and commanding. For the first time in your life, you saw him in a good light. The long coat he wore could have been a superhero cloak, that’s how grateful you were. 
“Who are you to command me like that?” the drunkard scoffed at Yunho. 
But as Yunho walked closer, the man seemingly realized how much taller Yunho was, how much at disadvantage the man was. 
“I’m telling you one last time to step away and leave immediately.” 
“Pfft. What are you? A policeman?” the man attempted to assert dominance and show off his fragile masculinity. 
“In fact, I am. Although I’m off-duty, I have a couple weapons with me,” Yunho said, clearly not intimidated at all, “I won’t shoot you but I can guarantee that getting tazed doesn’t feel pleasant either.” 
To emphasize his words, Yunho pulled out a taser and swung it in his hands. The other man’s defiant expression morphed into a pathetic look of fear. 
“Sorry, man. I’ll go,” the man rushed away like there was a tail between his legs. 
You looked at Yunho with admiration. Even the guilt for doubting his intentions and nature before didn’t shake your mind at that moment; you just needed desperately to show your appreciation for him. 
Still, the best you could do was look at Yunho with wide eyes and utter a few words. 
“Thank you.” 
Yunho smiled, looking almost giddy when you talked to him, “I just did my duty.” 
“Your duty as a policeman?” 
“Yes, but mostly my duty as your personal protector.” 
A little giggle left your lips at Yunho’s comment. There was a warm feeling of gratitude in your chest. Yunho had never been a bad man after all although acting quite weirdly occasionally. 
“I’m more than just grateful. You saved me from a dangerous situation.” 
Yunho’s cheeks flushed and an adorable, sheepish smile spread on his lips. Having been always suspicious of him, you hadn’t realized before how sweet he looked every time you talked to him.  
“Let me walk you home. You must be scared after meeting that creep,” Yunho extended his hand out for you. In his other hand he held an umbrella which had a Spiderman print. 
What was the worst thing that could happen if you took his hand in yours? 
You felt like the company of a man who had proven his good intentions would bring you safety on your way home. You grabbed Yunho’s large hand in yours, feeling comforted yet a little nervous. 
“So, you like Spiderman?” 
Yunho chuckled at your question. He seemed overjoyed to walk hand-in-hand with you even though it was raining cats and dogs. 
“He’s what I want to become. A hero.” 
You smiled softly and couldn’t resist the temptation to say something corny, “You’re already my hero.” 
Yunho laughed heartily and glanced at you. His eyes were twinkling, replacing the stars that couldn’t be seen that night due to the clouded sky. 
“What are you doing out this late anyways?” he inquired. 
The air felt a little colder again as your thoughts wandered to Jongho. 
“Jongho has disappeared. I’ve tried to contact him but there’s no answer,” you revealed, “I went to his house tonight in hopes of finding him there, but it’s like he’s avoiding me.” 
Something flickered in Yunho’s eyes for a split second before a thoughtful look set on his face. He squeezed your hand a little. 
“That must be rough. He’s your boyfriend after all.” 
“Well, not anymore. There was an incident that led to me breaking up with him,” you muttered. 
The man next to you nodded and spoke again, “I can help you find him. I’m a policeman, you know? We may not have enough reason to report him as missing, but I have my knowledge of finding missing people as my offer.” 
Yunho’s hand may have been warm but the smile on his face was even warmer; it comforted you. 
When the two of you eventually stood at your doorstep, Yunho’s reluctance to let go of your hand was clear. His eyebrows were slightly furrowed in concern. 
“Are you okay? The man must have scared you badly.” 
You let go of Yunho’s hand to pull the pepper spray out of your pocket. 
“You’re my favorite hero but this one will come in handy sometimes too,” you chuckled. 
Yunho smiled, “Just call me whenever you need help with anything. And I mean anything.” 
You offered your phone for Yunho to type in his number. Suddenly, he frowned. 
“Why is your home screen wallpaper a picture of you and Yeosang?” he asked, voice a few degrees colder than before. 
It was strange to see that sweet man get so worked up over a simple picture. 
“Yeosang is practically my only friend. I like to have a reminder of that now I have someone to rely on.” 
The embarrassment in your voice was clear as you were forced to explain your sad situation of friendships. At least Yunho’s expression softened. 
“I’ll be your friend from now on. Make sure to spend time with me... and change that wallpaper,” Yunho spoke. 
The next week Jongho wasn’t at the group therapy meeting. Just like the week before, he was gone, leaving you worried. But at least now you had someone who would be able to help search for him. 
The room felt so empty without him but no-one else seemed to care. 
Charlotte didn’t even question Jongho’s absence that time, just moving straight to the activities of the day. 
“Find yourself a pair,” Charlotte guided with a mysterious smile, “I won’t tell you what the activity is yet.” 
Wooyoung and San paired up immediately, and Seonghwa and Hongjoong glanced at each other in agreement. They had found their cliques, the person who they got along with the best. It was beyond your understanding though how someone as sweet as Seonghwa could like Hongjoong. 
You didn’t even have time to get up from your seat when Yunho had appeared in front of you like out of thin air. You felt a little intimidated and small while he stood over you, but the fear you used to feel around him was gone. He was just a gentle giant, the hero who had saved you from a situation that could have escalated. 
“Be my pair,” Yunho requested. 
His request was tempting but there was someone else standing a little farther away, looking at you longingly; it was Yeosang. 
“I think Yeosang wants-” 
“Please,” Yunho said, voice soft and almost vulnerable. 
You didn’t want to betray Yeosang but Yunho’s sad look tugged at your heartstrings. It didn’t take too long for you to give an apologetic look to Yeosang and a nod for Yunho. 
From the corner of your eye, you saw Yeosang walk over to Mingi and pair up with him. You’d apologize to Yeosang later. 
Yunho sat down next to you, his long legs brushing against yours briefly. Now that he was sitting next to you just like the first time you met, he seemed satisfied. 
“The topic of today is relationships to other people. Discuss with your partner about the person who has the most meaning in your life right at this moment,” Charlotte revealed the task. 
That was the hardest topic for you so far. There had never been much people to start with who would have cared about you as you cared about them. It was a curse to love but to be unable to be loved. Sometimes you wished upon the stars that you could stop caring about people. However, no matter how much you cried after lost friends, the universe just brought more people to lose into your life. 
Maybe that’s why Jongho’s disappearance bothered you so much. Losing another friend was expected but the way he had completely vanished was slowly breaking you apart. You couldn’t help but blame yourself. It had been completely justified to kick him out of your apartment that day he threw the plate on Yeosang’s face; you shouldn’t feel ashamed. 
“Y/N? Are you okay?” 
Yunho’s voice brought you back on Earth, saving you from your drowning thoughts. 
You might have lost Jongho’s friendship but you gained Yunho’s. It was just the matter of time when you’d mess up that situation as well. 
“I’m okay. I was just thinking what to talk about in this topic,” your smile was weak yet reassuring enough. 
“If it helps you, I can go first,” Yunho suggested. 
At your nod, Yunho began to talk about the person who meant the most to him. His eyes practically shined like he was passionate about the chance to finally tell you about the love of his life. 
“There’s a woman who stole my heart a couple years ago. I haven’t been able to think about anyone else after she caught my attention.” 
It was honestly adorable to hear Yunho ramble about the woman. A hint of jealousy gnawed at your insides; for someone to love you like Yunho loved the woman was a dream. 
“The way she walked out of the police station, the way she talked to the other officers, scared and needing help... It made me realize the meaning of my life isn’t to protect all the people. It’s to protect her.” 
Yunho was clearly devoted. His words were sweet at first. The way he talked about her was a clear indication of how much she had affected his life. But suddenly his words took a slightly darker turn. 
“I’ll do whatever it takes to keep her safe and happy in my arms. It doesn’t matter if I have to burn her house or the whole world as long as she runs to me for safety,” Yunho spoke, his voice loving, the complete opposite of his words. 
“Wow, she’s one lucky girl,” you chuckled nervously. 
Surely Yunho must have meant it as a joke. He was a man of justice, not an arsonist. 
“She’s my lucky girl,” Yunho smiled softly at you, “So, who is the person you hold dear to your heart?” 
You still hadn’t come up with a good answer. The only friends you had in that moment were Yeosang and Yunho, but you knew neither of them well enough. Jongho had grown quite close with you, at least you liked to think so, but he was gone now. 
“I don’t really have people who are close to me,” you admitted reluctantly, feeling unsure if you should tell these kinds of things. 
“Just say anyone.” 
“Well, I think Yeosang is the closest to me right now.” 
Yunho’s encouraging smile turned into a frown. It baffled you; there was always a chance that you could be the woman Yunho loved, but he had mentioned having met her a couple years ago already. 
“Yeosang? Why him?” 
“I think he’s kind to me, and we’ve hung out a lot.” 
Your murmured explanation didn’t satisfy Yunho. It was obvious how hard he tried to control his facial expressions, to hide how upset he was. 
“Haven’t I been kind to you?” Yunho inquired. 
“Yes, you have but-”  
“Did you change your wallpaper yet?” 
“I-I forgot,” as soon as you answered, Yunho grabbed your purse and started going through the contents of it. 
Your eyes widened as he took the matter of changing your wallpaper into his own hands. He was rummaging through your little bag, and you couldn’t let that happen. A woman’s purse was a private thing, especially when that woman was slightly paranoid at the excuse of valued safety. 
“Hey! Give it back,” you reached for your purse. 
Yunho didn’t care and kept taking things out of it, letting them fall to the floor. Some makeup, a hairbrush and wallet were already in everyone’s sight. 
“Yunho, give Y/N her bag back, please,” Charlotte finally tried to stop the situation but her spineless words meant nothing to Yunho. 
You tried desperately to gather your things before anything too personal would be revealed, but Yunho just kept throwing things out. 
“What is this?” Wooyoung grabbed an object from the floor, inspecting it in his hand. 
Your face heated up at the sight of Wooyoung holding something private. Gazing at him angrily from the floor, you were about to demand him to give it back. 
“That’s a woman diaper!” Mingi exclaimed, shocked at the unbelievable, astonishing, mind-blowing sight of a menstrual pad. 
You couldn’t believe this was happening. All your stuff on the floor for everyone to see and judge, and now Wooyoung and Mingi had humiliated you with their discovery. 
“No, Mingi. That is called a menstrual pad,” Charlotte spoke softly like talking to a child. 
You wished Jongho was there to knock some sense into everyone. Most likely, he wouldn’t have even done that, but you liked to believe he would have defended your honor. The honor that went down the drain like your appreciation and respect for Yunho. 
San snatched the pad from Wooyoung’s hands, clearly frustrated. With no hesitation he walked to you and kneeled down on your level. 
“Let me help you,” he said quietly and gave you the pad. 
It was just a mere hygiene product, but to you, it felt like he was giving the prettiest flower bouquet ever. In your moment of helplessness, he had wanted to help you. 
San started gathering the objects from the floor to their rightful place, your purse. His lips were pressed tightly together like he was feeling annoyed. 
“You don’t have to help if you don’t want to,” you spoke quietly, feeling exhausted because of the emotional rollercoaster. 
“I want to help,” he looked up a little to give you a gentle smile, “What kind of a person would I be if I didn’t?” 
“Apparently the kind everyone else is.” 
San chuckled at your bitter mumble. You could see he was holding back his own irritation to calm you down. 
Soon, Yeosang joined in to help you and San. You were grateful for those two; the only people in the room you respected. Seonghwa had the potential to be one of those as well, but his friendship with Hongjoong made you mentally avoid him. 
Once all your belongings were back in the purse, you turned to Yunho. It was hard to be angry at people whether you knew them well or not; if you knew someone well, you were afraid they’d leave you and if you didn’t know them well, you were afraid they’d be violent. That’s why expressing your feelings of hurt felt dangerous. 
You snatched your phone away from Yunho. Surprisingly, the wallpaper hadn’t been changed. 
“Why is the wallpaper still the same?” you were gritting your teeth as you spoke. 
“I couldn’t unlock your phone,” Yunho’s expression turned guilty, “Look, I’m sorry-” 
“Save it. I’m going home.” 
You had gone through that terrible moment just for Yunho to not even change your wallpaper. Sure, you should have been glad he couldn’t unlock your phone, but it felt somehow so futile. 
As you rid the bus home, you couldn’t help but think; the group therapy didn’t feel helpful or healing at all. You had found Yeosang and Jongho through it, but at what cost? One of the members was a stalker for God’s sake. 
Speaking of which, you hadn’t noticed much signs of the stalker in the near days. Would it have been naive to think that fake dating Jongho could have scared him away? Probably yes. 
You got off the bus and started making your way back to home. Usually, it was darker at that time of the day, but the seasons were changing. You wished you could change too. You wished you could put an end to your sickness and struggles, to live a normal life, so you wouldn’t have to deal with the sickos at the group therapy. 
Maybe it was time to stop going to the therapy. You’d rather live without the social assistance of the government than step inside the nightmarish room of armchairs and supposedly therapeutic talk again. 
As you arrived at your door, you reached into your purse like you did every day. A twinge of panic twitched inside your chest as you couldn’t find your keys. They were most likely just deeper inside the purse, and you’d have to look again. 
But no matter how much you searched, the keys weren’t there in your purse, jingling like they always did. There was no sight of them even when you emptied the whole purse. 
You were positive you, Yeosang, and San had picked up all the objects from the floor. All your other belongings were with you but the keys were gone. It would have been more pleasant if the damn pad had been left behind, but now you were denied the access to your own apartment. 
It was possible that someone took your keys when they were still on the floor.  
But now the most important thing was to find a place you could sleep at. You didn’t trust your neighbors and you couldn’t afford a hotel room. After some thinking you realized your only option was to beg Yeosang to let you sleep in his apartment. Such a splendid idea to have a sleepover with a man you met in a therapy group for mentally ill.  ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ <- Chapter 7. Chapter 9. -> Masterlist ------------------------------------------------------------------------------ Taglist: @devilzliaison @lover-with-dolar-sign-is-a-loser @passerbyforfun @gigikubolong29 @peqchplvto
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lara4eclipze · 23 hours ago
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›› there must be a good reason that you're gone
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sypnosis -» we don't talk anymore like we used to do , what was all of it for?
beware -» angst , nasty break up , going against girl code(?) , twice mentioned, lara x reader mentioned
talks -» for my anon 🫢!! hi missed you soo much
taglist (open) : @nyssalvr @ohmyhaely @vrtualstar @jellaaa @c-yerim
you don't know where you went wrong — did you give too little love? did you not give her enough attention? yet as much as you asked yourself nothing came up nothing answered you
moments that lingered in your mind made it seem like you were the problem yet you never were , sophia has never been loyal as much as you tried to make it seem like , she's always behind your back talking to a new woman
you only reached your breaking point when she started forgetting important dates such as your birthday, your anniversary and the day you both made it official
"now the maknae! hello y/n , the question for you is , have you ever broken up with someone and how did it go" the interviewer asks as he approached you
"이 질문에 대답할 수 있나요? (can we answer this)" nayeon asks looking behind the cameras towards their manager who just nods
"ohh , well uhm I have had one and it really was a bit messy , yet I think that was a very good lesson for me" you answer recalling everything that happened during that night , "우리 막내가 다 컸네요! (our maknae is all grown up)" jihyo says giggling as the rest say all their memories when you first debuted
"that sums it up, again twice everyone!" the host says before you and your group bid goodbye , " one in a million! we are twice!" the group says "우리 새 노래를 들어주세요 Strategy! (please listen to our new song strategy)" momo says before the cameras cut
ᯓ ᡣ𐭩
after the program you secretly went out to meet your now girlfriend lara , after the break up you didn't really know what to do but good thing she was there and from that point forward you both started dating
"hi love!" you said hugging lara as she ran up to you to hug you as well , "I missed you! , anyways let's go?" lara asks leading you inside the kats dorm
inside the dorm you were greeted by manon who was sitting down watching some tiktoks "hey" you greet
finally making it to lara's room she sits you down on her bed as she takes a seat on your lap, "so you miss me?" you ask cocky about her missing you , "obviously miss y/n" she replied
just before both your lips touch the door opens with sophia oblivious that you were here , "lara have you seen my- oh sorry" she says looking at the scene before her you and lara just being lovey dovey , suddenly the whole mood changed lara was now on the bed next to you sensing the unease , as sophia exits you two let out a heavy sigh
"baby I feel guilty, I mean she's my friend and I date her ex?" lara admits you look at the frown on her lips you held her face with your hands making her look at you "baby I understand , but know that she did something I probably won't forgive her for"
"ill never do that to you" lara says
"I hope not , that's the exact words sophia said" you chuckle remembering the countless lies she told you
ᯓ ᡣ𐭩
it was late yet you couldn't sleep so you left lara on the bed to get some water , at the kitchen was her , sophia
"hey" she greets , you took note of how she was still wearing the bracelet you gave her for your first monthsary
"hello , just need some water" you replied awkwardly , you get to the fridge and take out lara's water bottle and drink out of it
you were walking back by this point , but you hear sophia mutter something , "I'm sorry , could you maybe give me a second chance?"
"no soph , I'm tired plus me and lara are together , I've never felt any better with anyone else" you replied trying your best not to look at her , and just continue walking
"how is that okay? — we break up and you get with my friend? , how fucked up is that?" she reasons as you hear her sniffle
"soph , you cannot be talking about what's fucked up when you cheated on me , fuck I'm not gonna have this conversation again, goodnight" you replied mad at her audacity to get upset over you picking lara , yet you didn't mention that instead going inside the girls room
"babe? — where'd you go?" lara asks in a groggy voice as she opens her eyes , you're so glad you chose the woman who knows how to treat you
"just drank some water love" you replied trying not to sound like you just finished crying , you both lay down with her in the crook of your neck as she hums a gentle tune
"I love you so much" you whisper as you place a kiss on her head
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reallife6anoufriev6boy6 · 16 hours ago
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trans male artyom x horny degenerate nikita?
transmasc!artyom x horny degenerate!nikita headcanons!
oh sweet anon….sweet, sweet, anon…you have no idea what youve gotten yourself into….i have so many headcanons about this…
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absolutely no one but nikita knows that artyom is trans. artyom would rather kill himself then let any other living soul know that he is.
nikita was friends with artyom before he transitioned which is the only reason why he even knows. he became friends with him and was honestly so turned on that a girl would ever bother being his friend, but once he was told he still didnt care.
all it did was make him like him more, realizing that he liked artyom as a whole (and for what he had in his pants).
nikita has made it extremely difficult for artyom to hang out with him without him being a total creep. he just lets that shit out he doesnt care.
nikita definitely started watching porn and snuff of trans people specifically whenever artyom came out. none of it was in a good light as you can imagine, but it only made him more of a needy freak.
i think nikita would have an obsession with artyoms chest specifically. he would always be asking if he can touch it or just even see it which artyom doesnt typically oblige to, but it gets to a certain point where he just has to so he’ll shut up.
i think even when theyre laying in bed together nikita would have a hand over artyoms chest and then another wrapped around his waist - he likes his curves. artyom hates it, but, again, theres not a lot he can do about it other then let his disgust and discomfort known.
however its not all bad for artyom. it makes it way easier to manipulate nikita into doing what he wants because he thinks if he does anything hes asked to then maybe he’ll get a look at his tits or something.
artyom also likes to tease nikita just to fuck with him. sometimes when its just them in his apartment (which it usually is) he’ll take his shirt off and just keep his binder on while nikitas ass would be practically drooling over it. sometimes he’ll even just wear a bra and then that has him cumming in his pants within seconds.
artyom has probably let nikita finger him at least a couple of times. its always hit or miss - sometimes nikita will have watched too much transmasc porn and will know exactly what hes doing or he will be too stupid and horny to bother making it any good.
he also definitely always wants to get his mouth on him to eat him out. hes only gotten to do that at least once though.
nikita wants nothing more then for artyom to get on his dick. that would be absolute heaven to him, but it never gets that far. itll go as far as artyom sitting on his lap, wearing nothing but a bra and panties while nikitas only wearing his boxers - grinding down against him while he whines and pulls at the back of bra to get it off, but nothing more then that.
nikita might get fed up though and do some pretty shitty things to artyom….who knows….winks…
nikita is definitely a freak about artyom whenever hes on his period and he will always just want to help (and to lick it up) but he has no idea what hes doing. he would say some shit like “yes my glorious transmasc, tranny, trans man king….heh…ill lick that blood up for you so it doesnt make a mess….heh…”
nikita, being a freak and finding himself on questionable porn websites, has definitely gotten into misgendering as a kink. he definitely has done it to artyom during their weird sex things which just really pisses him off and nikita doesnt get why he doesnt like it like the “actors” in the video.
hes also said some transphobic things here and there. like incel level type shit because he doesnt know where else to get any of his information from.
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a-queer-sub-baby-2 · 6 months ago
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fleouriarts · 1 year ago
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feeling bad about my art lately. will probably not post for a while. but i wanted to at least dump some stuff here before i retreat into my hidey hole
#hivemind tv#hmfcu#riley savage#graydon weaver#quadeca#jane remover#eden burke#my art#2023#fanart#doodles#furry#its like. augh. longtime fleouriarts followers are familiar with my eternal tango with posting art online#doing this since i was 11 has like rotted my brain and made me rely wayyyy too much on external validation to motivate myself#and every year or so it gets bad enough that i take a break. but the break usually only lasts a month before i miss the feeling#and come back and then the cycle repeats#its probably worse now bc this is a fandom where getting seen by the creators is not really that hard#so there have been times where im like 'well idk if i wanna draw this. but if i do maybe hivemind will rt it :-)'#NO!!! THATS NOT WHAT ART IS ABOUT!!!!! i cant keep letting myself get addicted to the numbers going up man i gotta get out of here#and i was reading a quad interview from around when idmthy got released. cus hes also brain poisoned like this. but he managed to get out#and now just kinda comes online to release music and then leave#i need to be like that. i need to take a break from art posting thats so long that i come back as a changed man odysseus style#idk. its been so long since i drew stuff that no one gets to see but me. all the art i keep to myself is just out of embarrassment#i need to relearn how to draw stuff just for the love of creation and not “maybe people online will like this one”#or “this new thing came out i need to prove my love of it by drawing it”#sometimes it leads to good art but more often than not it just makes me feel worse#whatever. if any of yall are in the hivemind jane or quadeca discord i MIGHT still post stuff there. but otherwise ill keep to myself and m#friends for a while i think#woooooo this is queued to post while im in orgo lab everyone wish me luck with my thin layer chromatography
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skunkes · 6 months ago
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if life is categorized by Before Loss and After Loss then I exist in the before but with a countdown to the after. and the countdown is always always present and debilitating. the loss will be debilitating too but i cant help myself. i will always suffer twice.
#i cant let go of it. i cant even enjoy good moments without thinking about how they'll just be memories one day#how they're already memories since moments pass so fast#everything is I'll Miss This and i already miss it and i cant believe once you're gone you're gone forever#and ill never ever see you again. and your shell is in the ground but where did the rest of you go?#should i look at your body one last time? on one hand itll be the last time i see you.#on the other hand it will be the last time i see you.#and the memory of you will die with me too. as if neither ever existed#it impacts me so much too bc i dont feel close to anybody really...and i dont make friends easily#so whats going to happen when the people who have always been there arent there anymore?#im going to be alone for so much of my life.#i will record your voice so im ready for when i cant hear it from the source while also knowing it wont be enough and one day#ill be wishing it lasted longer. it could be 12 hours long and ill want more.#how do you surpass this? it hasn't even happened. when it happens i don't know what ill do. considering my whole life has been#the timer. the countdown. hours and hours of anticipatory grief#and then ill be next. me. some of all thats left of you. it cant be true.#sorry. this gets worse every single year and its been going insane lately#id surprisingly been managing it well for months somehow ! it wouldnt cross my mind...and now its there again#like it accumulated and its all coming out right now. ive been crying for hrs tonight and last night#one day his things will just be things. things ive made and given him will be in my hands again.#talkys#i want to go hug my dad but then ill just cry over how one day i wont be able to....! how do i store it? how do i save it?#how do i preserve it forever....even as i take my own last breath....#i cant believe im the only one of me. and my dad is the only one of him.#i wouldnt want to be reborn as anyone else. i cant believe one day i wont get to draw or eat or be comfy in bed anymore.#i cant take it !! im so scared. ill be scared until the end. and you wont be there to hold my hand. im going to be alone.#and none of those years of grief and joy and memories will matter.#i wonder if it would help to tell him about this. i need something to hold onto for when it happens. anything. but i also know it'll make i#hurt more; obviously. just another piece of him that'll be gone one day
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dragons-and-yellow-roses · 2 months ago
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Applying to an apartment with little income and terrible credit score, in hopes that they'll be desperate enough to take me
#im not even getting my hopes up for this one folks#but this same company rook me when i had no rental history so maybe?#unlikely for the aforementioned piss poor income and credit score#im just praying they remember me feom when i used to rent from them and liked me enough then to take me again#the bathroom is not in the apartment btw#that's the wildest thing. like its a basic studio with a kitchen closet and main area#but you have to go across the hall. to the private bathroom#im hoping they realize that thats wild and give me the apartment#i neeeeed to leave my parents house. and i really miss that city the apartment is in#i wish there was a little essay section where i could tell the landlord how much i like the city#and that ill get a better job once i live there and my parents are going to pay my first month and security deposit#that would be nice#i applied knowing that i won't get it but also knowing that i cant get it if i dont try#mostly i just miss that city#there was a really nice coffee shop within walking distance of my apartment#(the apartment i applied to is next door to the building i used to live in so same area which is great)#but i didnt have wifi so i would go there a lot to do work. it was so cozy in the winter especially#and i went on a lot of walks. so i wiuld swing by there and grab a drink to sip on my walk#and it was literally within sight of a great lake. a literal great lakw of Michigan lol#i loved walking along the lake on a nice day. or a windy day and just watch the waves crash#and my favorite band is feom that city so i got to see so many of their performances. and theyre a small band so the most i ever paid#was $50 and that was for the vip package. i saw them for $10 once. and free once. and $50 for the vip#its a big art and music city and i love it so much. i miss it so fucking much and i regret leaving#but at least it made me realize that no other city is for me. that city is my home#oh and it was literally right next to a bug beautiful library that i loved to wander. i still have my library card from there#mostly used it to print stuff and you have to pay at the box next to the printer. and one time i forgot to pay. i still feel bad about that#but i dont want to reminisce too much cuz i know i wont get it#im trying to pay off my credit cards to bring up my credit score but its slow going#its much nearer my gf and all my friends so i would love to live near them. rn im hours away from about everyone i love#i ran out of tags. maybe pray for me if you pray? or just hope for me. i dont want to let myself want this but its there
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phagodyke · 8 days ago
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tried putting on my radiator for the first time this winter (we've had snow this week.... its focking cold) but it trips the fusebox for the entire flat lmfao. I'm fuuuucked 😐
#all the other radiators work fine its just mine :'(((#and bc its thw weekend they wont come out to fix it until monday at least so thats great#its fine i havent needed it on this week so far and i have layers and a hot water bottle so ill be fine but i did cry abt it a bit#but not so much abt the radiator just a lot on my mind.. i couldnt pick up my prescription after work either bc the secretary left half an#hour early and the very kind nurse who had a look for it anyway couldnt find it and i cant get there any earlier next week bc of work#i know itll be fine ive already sent an email to ask if they can send it to my local pharmacy instead ill get my meds before they run out#but still i cried a bit walking home from the clinic 😢 just been a long week even if not a bad one. and i miss my friend whos moving#he'll be on the plane now.... man. its a bit selfish but im also sad abt it bc he always noticed how i was feeling when i was at the gym#like if i was privately dealing w some shit or just wasnt quite myself he could tell n would find a moment to gently ask or just be there#without probing abt it like man hes so reassuring and kind and has such a big heart. before he left he asked me to look out for some of#the quieter ones in our group and make sure they feel included and someones listening to them when he wont be around to anymore#😢💔💔💔💔 and i know i didnt know him long enough to become proper good friends with him but it meant a lot that he looked out for me#like all i really want in this world is to feel seen n safe esp when im having a hard time. and none of my closer friends really do that#and thats okay like its not their fault and they just express their way of caring differently but sometimes i feel so lonely ah....#and also my period is due and im kind of scared of how painful itll be bc the last few have been so bad snd i find loneliness a lot harder#when im in a lot of pain and anyway this is all probably just the pre period hormones making me so tearful so it doesnt matter#its ok made a big bowl of rice so im going to eat that wrapped up cosy in bed with a movie i think. and then sleep#.diaries
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gayboyrocklee · 11 months ago
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Love posting my Spotify receipts for the month bc you can always tell when I’ve had smth big to write for one of my classes bc the one Jash song (Dream (Outro from Calamity)) will make the receipt. I did not end up a Jashinator but I do like having a song I can rely on to make me write things.
#rian’s slay compilation#the first time I heard the song I was in a mood all da time so I really identified it w what splitting felt like#idk it doesn’t hit as much now bc I’ve undergone a different sort of mental illness lately (more tired than actively harmful to myself)#^it’s the way it picks up in intensity. that’s what it feels like when you try to communicate how smth feels but they don’t listen and then#go have fun at a concert and you feel so nauseous that you have to leave a shared group chat while you sob your eyes out for several hours.#y’know? anyway June/July was fun. I need four hours of build daily to keep me occupied (tired). it does actually do me wonders.#I’m so big and strong now. idk how big you are my lovely mutuals but I could lift the smaller ones I reckon.#right now I could pick up (not for long) anyone around or under 150 pounds. also preferably not super taller than me but I think it’d work.#it’s a start! I should start lifting. makes me feel big and strong. I wanna pick my friends up.#^sorry to derail this in the tags but I typed that up and was like ‘that’s such a King statement’. it’s bc someone liked a post where I#talked about feeling all overgrown and how King being half a foot shorter than me but still picking me up like a brides made me feel Not#Overgrown#I don’t worry about feeling overgrown so much anymore but I do kinda miss the bride lifting. it was nice every once in a while#it’s small things like that.#side note I think I could pick King up now bc they’re roughly my weight and as we established I can lift ppl about my weight very briefly#it’s the build. it makes me big and strong. it’s all the wood holding and platform throwing
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girlivealwaysbean · 3 months ago
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it would feel so nice to work towards a career that has meaningful impact and makes millions of people happy
#i follow this person cleo abrams on youtube and she's always talking so excitedly about scientists#and their amazing discoveries cool facts and she's so excited and starry eyed and hopeful#she genuinely just wants to educate people and has so much hope that we can make the world a better place#also like idk maybe unrelated but i saw the mv of new romantics and just. wow#say what you will about her but there's no doubt she's made an insane number of people happy SO HAPPY that they're crying#so many tours#idk i want#i wish my life was bigger#i feel so isolated and always just focusing on myself my career my health my enjoyment#what about everything everyone else#i keep trying to be completely okay with being alone i keep telling myself to not need anyone and be 100% independent#find happiness within hobbies interests#but it feels like a losing battle#i don't know i just. miss everyone 😭😭😭😭#but it hurts too much tbh always more sad than happy always more crying than laughing#i miss my bestfriend i don't know what i did wrong but she won't pick up my call she keeps saying she's busy#i don't want to be clingy because she hates that shit i don't want to drive her away but she's my only friend#i miss my fucking mom she doesn't care if i live or die obviously but i miss just having her presence in the house#and even tho my sister is here she's never fully present always on her laptop working#i wouldn't really say i miss my dad but wow it's been so long since mom and dad stayed together at home it was almost#always miserable but sometimes at the lunch table it was nice#i don't know everything and everyone is moving and changing so fast and i can't breathe under it and it's already september#but this entire year felt like a blur it's like everyone who left took a chunk of my heart with them#and i should be happy because im so close to the exam which will get me out of this house finally be financially independent#like i wanted since i was 11 i could finally start my life#but it all feels so. i don't know the whole future seems black like i can't imagine life past november 2025#how do you imagine happiness if you've never been happy?#and all these feelings are making it so hard to study and studying is so fucking important because if i don't ill be stuck here forever#and i don't want to go thru attempts fail and pass again atleast back then i had a reason first heartbreak‚ not getting to go to college#but what now why now i don't even understand i know objectively i do not have it that bad it's literally better even if i compare to my own
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ofcowardiceandkings · 3 months ago
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the sinus headaches are already not great but Extra Shit has been added to the pile and im just sat on that right now trying to figure out what the fuck to do
#ive uh not processed it yet and it also wont really shake out for a little while now i guess but .. yeah#long story short my friends who ive been A Trio with since we were 11 might be done with each other#theres a LOT of additional factors but theyre splitting a house share so one can go live with a boyfriend#and in the process it sounds like theyve made a lot of selfish choices for some unknown reason#ngl theyve pissed me off a little bit for being so weird and reclusive since theyve had the boyfriend as well but only with us#its ... yeah i dont know what alls happened because i dont live with them#but i just cant fathom how they got to this point quibbling over the contents of their shared house of 5 years#over a boyfriend whos been around for 2 or 3 years ..... to ruin a friendship of 18 years ????#again i dont know the whole story but i trust what the friend whos still good at talking to us to not lie about them being screwed around#i just dont get it at all how to reconcile what ive been told with who ive known over half my life#theyve felt off .. or wrong for a while now tbh ... i miss them#i havent seen the other one since before may ...#the thought that mightve been the last time we all hang out is kind of killling me inside lol#and it was also pretty weird and stilted again because it was very boyfriend-centric#this always happens to me lol ive lost count of all my school friend groups who end up basically fighting over me after they fall out#its a MAJOR trauma point for me and i thought we kind of grew past that but i guess i was wrong#ive been catching myself with a weepy eye or a single sob all day#i dont know what to do i wanna know what the fuck happened and what was worth doing this for#i wanna confront everyone and ask for a fucking explanation as to why my single life solid bedrock is falling apart#i mostly wanna dig a hole and die in it ... im fine im safe but im bothered by like ...#what a total fool ill look like if i just melt down at work ... i might find the mental health first aiders list and write an email lol#im like not okay cksbdkssj fucking hell#i have some hope but its ... its hard out here#i need to go to bed fuck#id dont neeeeed thiiiiisss im gonna choke on life agaaaiiinnn#the battle to keep my shit together enough to at least not self-sabotage ??? its testing my patience#rory's ramblings
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seafoam-taide · 3 months ago
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i have so many images and concepts in me. and. they wont. come out
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romenthenoodle · 3 months ago
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im gonna cry again
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shidoukanae · 3 months ago
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TME PMV frame thingie WIP
I absolutely adore Helene and Lyla's relationship in both iterations of TME's story and i NEED more qpt gal relationships like theirs is i s2g
it's really, REALLY hard to get me sincerely invested in relationships between female characters but damn am i invested in this one.
Something about a do-good heroine who is abnormally hostile only towards her own half-sister for seemingly no reason (read: "no reason") is a dynamic i can't get enough and seeing Lyla constantly make efforts in both the manhwa/LN to reach out to her is so bittersweet and yet amazingly well done
(and i can't praise enough how amazing Helene is handled as a deeply flawed female character!!! She's genuinely the best written female character ive seen and i wish more gals were written as amazing as she is TwT)
#TME art#i love how i started this PMV before I read the LN and yet this still reads as canon-adherent#to both the manhwa and LN at that#also behold: the reason why i rely on CSP's head models to draw#technically i have a Paris-centered PMV im working on too but i flip between that one and this depending on my time and mood#fun fact i technically have a fake ending i've started working on too but idk if ill get to finish that one#point is i LOVE TME and i wanna keep giving it love even despite my wandering attention span and lack of time to draw#my favorite thing is watching people hate on Helene and clearly miss the point of her character in that she's just a young woman-#greatly traumatized by her childhood and has no proper way to cope or come to terms with her own feelings while surrounded by parents who-#hate her or want to manipulate her + with a sister who betrayed her + siblings who are morally bankrupt#+ literally her only friend (read: “friend”) is a psychopathic dragon whose dubious behavior towards her is more harmful than helpful#+ she's still the child whose own actions led to the person kindest towards her getting killed bc of her & her little sister “betraying” he#and she's never quite been able to grow up or come to terms with those feelings hence why she lashes out while longing for love#(and god do i hope it's Paris who helps bridge the gap between Helene and Lyla and in doing so we see him grow as a person)#(look i just want Paris to get kicked in the ass with character development and for him to truly see Helene as someone he cares for)#(bc as he is now he clearly just has surface-level puppy love towards Helene that has the potential to go somewhere and i hope it does)#(ESPECIALLY BECAUSE THE LN GIVES MORE THAN ENOUGH MATERIAL TO HAVE MADE THEM CANON)#(UGH IM STILL UPSET ABOUT THAT THE LN /LITERALLY/ SAID THEY MATCH EACH OTHER AND THEN DIDN'T MAKE IT CANON COME ON)#anyways it's like midnight now but yeah i LOVE TME can u tell#and could probs write whole character studies on all the characters with how deep they are in the manhwa alone holy shit
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aqqleshiqqing-archive · 1 year ago
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HI EVERYONE monday and tuesday are going to be my exam days so once those are over I'll be back to being active here and continue working on everyone's commissions 💚 this is just an announcement to keep everyone posted~ I'll respond to any unreplied messages soon, just give me time!
also, happy birthday to my fellow october celebrants! i'm aware that there's a lot of october mutuals here but i don't want to contact everyone to greet them especially if it's late so here's a generalized one 🎂 cheers to more years to come!
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drivemysoul · 5 months ago
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idk i just kind of regret every choice ive made in the last 2 years
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