#but if anyone has any info on this please let me know cause i cant find anything more the handful of posts on the tag

[bisummers]

just found out three years late that apparently xicamatl was not a real person and their whole blog was a scam

[cpunkwitch]

hey im in trouble and i need help

for context:

hi, you can call me cass or whatever fits, even my user, i have no preference. i prefer masc/neu honorifics if any though. im disabled, ND, queer, 20 y/o, and starting college again in the fall.

i got fired from my last job, i have no money, im going to apply for a student loan and everything thats going on has put a huge halt on my plans for moving out and getting any further aids and support beyond my cane and medication.

my family is really low on money right now, we cant even buy food this week or possibly even for the next week, let alone pay for our medication.

i have commissions and donations open, im trying hard to do what i can to get by, but im really struggling in such a tight situation and could really use any help i can get.

if you cant help monetarily but can help some other way, even just reblogging this so people who can help can see this, thats okay too! any support means the world right now, if theres anything anyone can offer my asks and dms are open for discussion.

my kofi is below, if you need any other info or have any ideas or just generally anything please let me know.

i dont like making these kinds of posts and reaching out because i always fear they never actually get anywhere but im at such a low right now its worth trying.

again even if you cant offer any money just reblogging this post and helping spread my reach for help is appreciated /srs /np

[trickstarbrave]

heyyyy im making a pinned post as that is a feature and seems good to keep info all in one place esp for ppl on mobile

❤️im brave!! or rua works if u want to but brave is by far the most popular name i go by. he/him pronouns

❤️art commissions/art trades are NOT on the table rn sadly. i used to offer commissions and did art trades with friends but for the most part im really busy with work/health conditions. if i have a bit of free time i may change this or make a few exceptions on a case by case basis depending on my schedule. for the most part tho i just want my art to be a stress relief activity

❤️art requests i do take from time to time now, but there is no guaranty i will take it. please do not spam requests hoping i’ll do it and please do not get mad if i don’t do it. they’re requests for a reason. if i am particularly inspired i’ll be happy to get around to it if life lets me

❤️technically multifandom blog i would say, mostly i have been focused on the elder scrolls series lately. you will probably see me rb stuff from like, a bunch of series. if this changes i’ll prob edit this post LMAO (i do not control the special interest)

❤️not just an art blog but also personal. my art can be found in my #my art tag. wips can sometimes be found scattered on my twitter if they arent on here. and writing that i publish can be found on my ao3 (though i have like a million wips that dont get published and be warned much of my ao3 is rated E and not for everyone)

❤️ been doing a lot of oc posting so i can do a run down of them currently for anyone that wants to follow along/know the lore:

/// OCS ///

(under cut)

🌟 Eyja: skyrim oc, nord dragonborn, she/her. past life incarnation was konahrik, alduin’s head priest, murdered by miraak. uses a bow and magic primarily. story can be found here

🌟 Senna: skyrim oc, nord dragonborn, she/her. proud two handed weapon user and leader of the companions. fought and lost to the world eater who took her back to his den and make her his partner. proof prophecy can be a complicated thing. story can be found here.

🌟 Baldur: skyrim oc, nord dragonborn, he/him. grew up on the streets stealing to survive, and certified trans of gender. fought and lost to the world eater who decided to force baldur to be his champion. helps him take over skyrim. story not yet published but will prob contain a lot of mentions of transphobia as a cw :(

🌟 Ansa: skyrim oc, nord dragonborn, she/her. orphaned at a young age, and just a weird, feral child. learned to steal, and ended up joining the thieves guild. killed mercer and turned the guild over to karliah and is helping rebuild it when she finds a weird rock that turns out to be a dragon egg. story not yet published

🌟 Ahkrinaak: general elder scrolls oc, he/him/any pronouns. he is based off me as a sort of self insert/persona character purely for comedy, not a serious au. dragon/god who was corrupted in the war with lorkhan/shor and became more so an agent of lorkhan. he spends most of his time pretending to be a mortal and causing problems. he’s just sillay. looks like a falmer/snow elf and nord hybrid making pretty much everyone just in general uncomfortable. dragons dont have gender he just likes tits. divorced with alduin

🌟 Lyre: not a skyrim oc (yet) but my beloved dnd character i have made a million aus for, including one that has turned into a full on novel lmao. will update everyone when i start uploading the novel (its not gonna be too serious just a fun lil webnovel that is pg rate) and you can see me post illustrations for. depending on the AU uses either he/him or she/her. i just think theyre neat

🌟 Anthial: nerevarine bosmer, tired, angry, nb spellsword. he/them pronouns. just wants to cover their entire body until you cant tell what gender they are. vivec never got them the drink he owed them. was convinced as nerevar that voryn never liked them back all that much. had an open marriage with almalexia. this incarnation was emotionless and lacked a moral compass due to the betrayal in their past life.

🌟 Steren: nerevarine, technically. not actually the reincarnation of nerevar, but the reincarnation of nerevar’s son. nerevar never reincarnated bc he was too busy haunting his descendants, too upset to move on. steren has a couple of aus but mostly its him with vivienne the dragonborn who belongs to @mulberrycafe. calls voryn “ata” and nerevar “dad” because he technically grew up in cyrodiil but remembers his first lifetime in bits and pieces where voryn raised him for the first few years.

feel free to send asks abt my ocs i love answering them

[running-with-the-feels]

Hi, Tundra!

So, I was reading this post of yours and it got me thinking...

In the post, you say, though Hanzo lived most of his life identifying as a woman. He never partook in the tattooing traditions, but he wanted to have them done as a way to connect to his culture.

Now I'm curious how it would be if he DID get the tattoos?

In your headcanon, you said he took a while to realise he was trans, but now I wonder, if he did get the tattoos (something deeply connected to femininity/womanhood), would that change things for him in any way?

Cause I believe there's a difference between "I'm doing this because I want to feel closer to my culture as well as having a link to the person I once was" and "I'm doing this because that's what's expected of me giving who I am" with the later maybe leading to a "but wait, is that really who I am?"

What I mean to ask with all this rambling is: Hanzo getting his tattoos would affect his perception of himself in any way?

Love your Ainu Hanzo headcanons! I loved that you got into the tattoos subject cause I really wanted to see something related to that!

Please, keep sharing your HCs, I'd love to read more!💛

So, given that I am not Ainu and I can't find anything on how transmasc Ainu handle that subject, I'm not comfortable speculating on that. Though if anyone knows of any sources where I could find info on that (be they research articles or speeches/talks by Ainu ppl about the subject, etc) please let me know!

What I will say, is that from the information I can find (see: https://www.tota.world/article/127/ and https://www.tattoodo.com/articles/tattoo-history-the-tattooed-ainu-women-of-japan-8745 and https://dajf.org.uk/event/the-meaning-of-tattoos-for-ainu-women) the tattoos were started young, deeply sacred, and stopped when a woman married. It also seems like a woman couldn't get married if she wasn't tattoed and I can't find the article but I remember one mentioning that when the practice was outlawed, the Ainu worried about how not having the tattoos would affect their ability to be properly put to rest when they died (Don't quote me on that and if you can find an article that mentions that I'd be really grateful bc I cant find it anymore)

Since the tattoos are a lot less common now, some Ainu women will paint them on for special occasions, rather than get them tattooed or bc they can't get them tattoed for one reason or another.

Given that Hanzo has already been married, that probably factors into the complicated web of feelings he has around it and whether or not he can continue the practice (in his own mind at least, I don't think that he'd be able to ask anyone within his community about it either out of discomfort or not being in contact with anyone)

So, tldr, I don't know but it's definitely something I think Hanzo would struggle with, mostly bc of being so disconnected from his heritage and community (I hc that his father just refused to teach him anything about it, or even acknowledge they were Ainu)

[miku-the-emo]

Deaftale’s info!!

this post contains some stuff, such as murder, death, swear words, etc. this AU is also LGBTQIA, so i beg of you, PLEASE LEAVE IF YOU DONT SUPPORT <3 i dont allow non-supporters of the LGBTQIA. This post is extremely long, and it’s not rlly that organized tbh…plz forgive me…also, please do not gatekeep. this is an Alternate Universe, a different version of undertale. Do not accuse me of stealing, please. more info can be found here

↓

This is what you’ve been waiting for!! I’ll post the designs later hahahah

LETS GET INTO IT!!!

・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・

Sans - he’s much more energetic than og!sans, which caused a increase in his HP, which is now 680 HP. Sans is Deaf, and he always has been, but he never got the cochlear implants because he doesn’t want them. Sans does know American Sign Language, and so does a few other monsters, but he only uses ASL to communicate with Papyrus. Sans gets frustrated easily, and sometimes expresses it in unhealthy ways, like hitting his head(or skull)- Sans is demisexual and uses he/they pronouns, but mainly he/him. Sans is..kinda cold towards Frisk when they first meet, but he opens up later on!

Papyrus - Papyrus’ food is actually edible- He is learning ASL, and its going well! Papyrus doesn’t want to join the royal guard, EVER. He’s always around Sans for communication purposes. Papyrus is aroace and uses he/them. He is still friends with Undyne, and Undyne was actually the reason why Papyrus wants to become a chef when he gets on the surface!

Toriel - Toriel doesn’t fight Frisk when they wanted to leave the ruins, Toriel understands why. Toriel still loves Asgore, thats why she and Asgore decided that they needed a break until things work out. Toriel is straight and uses she/her.

Alphys - Alphys is really clumsy and very nervous, but she always tries her best! Alphys doesn’t beat herself up abt messing up anymore. Alphys is still a anime nerd and will always be hahahdmsks- Alphys is bisexual and uses she/her-

Undyne - Undyne knows that anime isnt real. Undyne uses she/they pronouns and is a lesbian <3 Undyne is..tough, but Undyne can get rlly nervous, like when you ask her how babies r made. Undyne was the one who got Papyrus interested into culinary arts b/c Papyrus didnt rlly do anything except clean when Sans didnt need communication and take care of the humans that fell, so yeah-

Mettaton - Mettaton wont ask you if you would smooch a ghost b/c thats super weird- Mettaton is transgender(he/him) and he is demiromantic <3 Mettaton doesn’t like to talk only abt themselves. Mettaton’s show is all about quizzes with less severe consequences, the quizzes cover a lot of topics too!

Napsblook - he’s pretty social, but not too social b/c introvert vibes- Napsblook is aromatic, and he uses he/they pronouns(mainly he/him)- Napsblook doesn’t mind being called Blooky by anyone. Napsblook isn’t on Mettaton’s show b/c of the noises and lights, so he helps Alphys in the lab instead b/c he doesn’t mind watching the show on TV since the lights are less bright and the sounds are less loud- Napsblook does have a vessel but its a lot smaller than Mettaton due to lack of resources </3

Frisk - Frisk is one of the few humans who tried to communicate with Sans. Frisk isn’t used to people being nice to them b/c of his home life. Frisk is genderqueer and uses any pronouns, including neopronouns, and ze is demisexual. Frisk had a crush on a cute Deaf girl but she was murdered.

Chara - Chara is blind, and they were lead to the mountain by their so called friends. Chara is nonbinary, and they are questioning their sexuality- Chara was born on October 31st, 1992 & the year is 2003, so Chara is 11 years old. Chara fell at 8 years old. Chara uses Asriel as their seeing-person. Chara got cancer and they weren’t able to beat cancer due to lack of medical stuff required to help fight cancer.

Asriel - Asriel is really shy and timid at first, but he opens up if you’re deemed not a threat! Asriel is sensitive to sound, and how Asriel copes with really loud noises can vary, but the common reaction for Asriel is hitting someone that is the closest to Asriel. Asriel(and Flowey) is 11, like Chara. Asriel uses he/them, and Azzy is bisexual. Azzy is Asriel’s nickname

Flowey - he’s a lil shit, but they do get nervous when Chara is mentioned, b/c he and Azzy are the same person.

Asgore - Asgore doesn’t want to hurt anyone anymore, but he has no idea how to tell Toriel that he doesn’t want war anymore.

・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・

i spent too much time on this 💀💀

srry if its cringe, idk how to not make things cringe brrr

[rengokuneedshugs]

Hey can you do a akatsuki x autistic reader if not it's okay I don't know how much you know about aoutism please and thank you 👉👈

So i don't know much about autism but i thought this was a good prompt for something like this so i did what they would do if you got overstimulated in a large crowd or someone were to do something to cause it i hope that's ok!

Akatsuki x Autistic! Reader: How they would react to them being overstimulated

Deidara 😘

If your in a crowd and he notices that you seem a little fidgety he would immediately ask if your ok and if you tell him your fine he would wait a few minutes until a sign really says your not ok

If in fact you aren't ok he would pick you up bridal style and just lift you out of there

and if someone ever does anything like ask personal questions or even corner you and he sees it oh boy that person is in trouble

he knows how bad it can be to feel stuck in a crowd or place with someone and not feel like you can get out so of course his first instinct is to get you out of there and somewhere you feel safe

Hidan 😚

He honestly wouldn't notice anything wrong at first so you would probably have to tell him you need to be somewhere else or to be away from whats causing you to feel that way

if you need emotional support he isn't the best but that doesn't mean he doesn't care he does really! it's just not second nature to show it

but when you tell him straight up he will grab your hand and get you out as soon as possible even if it means violence like i said before he cares but in a different way

but once your in a place that you feel safe he wouldn't know what to do from there so you would definitely have to tell him warning if you want physical comfort he's a little bit awkward tbh

Itachi 😊

he would know immediately he wouldn't even have to ask he would make sure you get somewhere you'r comfortable before asking any questions

his first question honestly would be if you need a hug he would give the best hugs and you can count on cuddles if they help or maybe even just sitting in a quiet room where you can get all the silence you need

he would definitely make sure you stay away from situations that can make you uncomfortable and over time he would pick up on what situations could cause things like that to happen so your pretty much in the best hands with Itachi!

Pain 😳

It would take him a solid minute to realize whats happening but once he has it figured out he has the situation under control

he would probably have you out of there in a heartbeat and would have you laying down with him on his bed just to get away from every one and all the stress

but if you really don't need physical contact or anything like that he would run you a hot bath and keep you company if you don't mind

he would totally suggest his favorite book to you if you ever needed something away from reality all together

Kakuzu 🥰

He would notice that you seem fidgety and would immediately notice whats going on

He would honestly just pick you up with no warning and throw you over his shoulder like a sack of potatoes and walk away from the area

Once your back to the base he would make sure your ok but he wouldn't ask you directly because he knows that doesn't help him he more so ask if theres anything you need

We all know this man has fidget toys for you if you need them he would never really act like he cares but you know he does he probably has everything you would need for this already stocked and ready to go

Konan 🤩

She would be emotional support to the max like she knows just what to say and do she almost has momma instincts

All the hugs and kisses you would ever need not to mention she would give you a shoulder/back massage because she knows how therapeutic it is

also books and rubik's cubes she noticed a long while back that you like things like that and she held that info for dear life so she could get you the best gifts

if she ever does anything wrong oh boy it could be very minor but she would hate herself if she made you uncomfortable so communication is key

Sasori 😙

You would definitely have to let him know something was wrong he wouldn't pick up on it easily

he wouldn't be much use tbh but if you like crafts he would let you help him work on a puppet

but if you don't then he would probably sit with you while you calm down so you wouldn't have to be alone

he's pretty clueless on things like this so just help him out and let him know what helps what doesn't things like that ya know

Zetsu 😉

He doesn't quite understand how you feel but he would totally take you out to work on some plants if he thought it would help

and if it does thats great! but if not thats ok he has so many things in store he cant comprehend how you may feel but he will have things for you to fidget with to calm you down

and if you really just need somewhere to sit in silence he will help you find the perfect spot and will totally keep you company if you want

Kisame 😆

Kisame to me seems very emotionally connected to himself and can easily help others with emotions too at least to me lol

he would give you hugs if you wanted and we all know he gives good hugs he really only means well but if it makes you uncomfortable he wouldn't push you

he would be like a service dog fish and would be all over protecting you if your in a crowd your safety and happiness is the most important thing to him

if anyone ever causes you to feel in distress oh boy they're in for a world of pain he would be all over them

Nagato 😌

Nagato would think he knows whats happening but he would wait a minute to double check and make sure so he doesn't step out of line

he would be uncomfortable trying to help because he's afraid he would make things worse or step out of line

but if you need something he won't hesitate to get it for you

Obito 🥰

he would immediately offer cuddles and any form of physical affection

he would give you the best feeling of calm he's like a walking anti anxiety machine it's kinda nice tbh

he would read to you i mean seriously we all know he would and he would totally let you sit in his lap

Thx for reading!!! i hope you enjoyed and i hope it's ok that i edited it a lil bit! pls reblog and like it helps so much!!!! thanks for your support!

[tazanna-blythe]

Done

Chapter 5

~Tom & Sabine Boulangerie Patisserie~

"Wellcome ladies so how's school?" Sabine said with a motherly smile smile then placing a freshly baked Croissants on the table.

"Where fine, just another day at the clown house, I swear that our classmates have no brain cells not one of them "Chloe said while spreading butter on her croissant then without any hesitation she ate it.

"I beg to differ dear but i think they still have one connecting brain cell,seeing as they are one and no one can break their bond"Mari and she also ate the croissant happily

"So Dumb,Dumber,Dumbest then? or all equally dumb?" Chloe mumble (she took another bite on her food)

"No it's like they all have an on and off button for their reasoning and common sense and Liela has the button" Mari

"And She uses her sausage her as an antenna the give them signals hahahahahahahhaha"Chloe

"Ladies that's not nice besides everyone has their own preference or style that they think is fashionable ... all though i wanna know who told her having a sausage as an inspiration for a hairstyle especially when she moves her head she looks like a paddle ball a had when i was a kid" Sabine

both Chloe and Marinette bust into laughter

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Collège Françoise Dupont Clinic

*Bell *

Adrien is still sleeping soundly and the kind nurse doesn't want to wake him up and clearly from how pale his face is and how dark his eye bags are and how bone to skin he is, she made a decision to call his guardians to pick him up and have him take a proper rest and some good soul food too judging by how boney he is. this child is a model she understands this but this is to much and it has a medical term called MALNUTRITION so she's not gonna stand by and do nothing.

So she quietly and gentle as she can took photos and notes on Adrien body. because he is wearing a plain white T-shirt and a loose pants all she has to do is hold some of the cloth of the T-shirt to make it tight to show how small and boney he is and she all so did the same thing to the pants. His wearing a T-shirt so his some of is upper arm is shone so the nurse took a measuring tape and measure his arms and leg. And lastly because of the akuma attacks the School funds for the clinic doubled and because of this most of their equipments are brand new and the latest model so the bed has a scale built in it so she took his weight and height. and all of this is recorded in the clinic's CCTV camera she made sure of it.

After all that is done she neatly filed this info on her computer and flash drive then she called his guardians. fortunately for him his father and his assistant is so busy that they cannot answer their phone so it was Gorilla who was called to pick him up.

When Gorilla arrived the nurse was so scared of him she almost scream in fear when he suddenly appeared in front of her luckily she didn't.

"Hello Sir. how can i help you" Nurse

"Hi my name is SImon and I'm here to pick up Adrien" Gorilla (HIS NAME IS SIMON OH MY GOSH I JUST FOUND OUT TODAY!!!)

"Hi my name is Katty and I'm the school nurse nice to meet you"

"Likewise"

"Im sorry but before I hand over Adrien to you i need to see your IDs please"

"Sure"

"Ok it seems that everything is in order then you may take him home, and also my advice is to keep him stress free, eat and sleep more cause we don't want him to suddenly collapse now do we"

"Yes ma'am"

Then Gorilla slowly and Gently picked up Adrien like a porcelain princess and took his backpack/sling bag and went home.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Collège Françoise Dupont Gym

"Ok class since Adrien is sick we need to still proceed to class. Now, I want all of you to make two lines.One for boys and one for the girls CHOP ChOP!!! " Gym teacher

“Um Sir. What about lila??” Rose

“What about her?“

“Lila Sprained her risk and ankle so she cant stand very long“ Alya

“Ok then Who’s Lila, Raise your good arm“

“Sir. I’m Lila Rossi“ Liela replied with a small smile and leaning into her left foot for effect

The Teacher saw her and slowly walk towards her while inspecting her body for injuries

“Which foot is sprained and which arm?“

“My right foot and arm sir “Liela said weakly.

“Can i check your arm and foot?“ The Teacher ask nicely

“Yes of course“ 

So someone brought a chair for her to sit while the Gym Teacher inspect her injuries

“Awww, Aw aw aw awaaa that hurts“ Liela cries dramatically like a spoiled dog. While the Teacher was just holding her arm not doing anything other than carrying it like a sausage

“Ok then Lila where's your medical note seeing as this is a “BIG INJURY” your parents shouldn't have let you go to school?“ The Teacher looking and talking to her like a person would to a two year old

“My Dad left us since i was young and my Mom is so busy that she’d forgotten about me“ Liela said sadly trying to make her tears drop not realizing that the teacher don't buy it

“Hush now don't cry dear I’m sure your mom is just tired now why don't you sit here and be quiet while all of us start the class,O.K“

“Yes sir“ with a final fake sob she smile at the Teacher.

“Ok,now two lines people, great now everybody just jog 20 laps then you are dismissed.But remember do not break your line and JOG NOT RUN OK ALIX AND KIM! if i see any of you break your line or run i’ll make everyone do 15 jumping jacks then additional 10 laps. Am I Clear! “

“Yes,Sir!!“ the Students then do as they were told while lila stayed seated smiling at her small victory and proceeds play on her phone and to search for more things to lie to make her even more popular.

While everybody was busy doing their task no one noticed the Gym Teacher also take’s his phone and contacted the School Nurse asking for Lila’s medical records and telling her what happen today.

Faking an injury to a teacher who was an athlete himself was a big No No but he cant just outed the child right then and there because she’ll get emotional and he doesn't want to cause another akuma.He’ll just do it the old fashion way... Making the parents discipline their own child. but first he needed her records. 

“Did you just see what i just witness?“ Chloe while looking at her exhausted classmates after they finished 20 laps.

“What?“ Mari while handling her a bottle of cold water

“You really didn’t see that?,Thanks“

“You mean Liela’s ridiculous lie then yeah and so?“

“So? So?, Mari she just gotten away with it and it wasn’t even a good lie and acting“

“No, I don’t think she did“

“Huh?! Would her majesty care to explain?“

“Our gym Teacher is an Athlete who won medals in his time. He out of everyone here would have known just by looking at someone if they have any physical injuries“

“So he just let her go?“

“No. I don't think he would so let's just watch and see what he'll do, besides if he really fell for it then his just another idiot who needs to be replaced” Marinette said as she and Chloe backed their bags and left.

~~~~~~~~

“Hey Nino do you have any info about Adrien??“ Alix

“Yeah Nino what happen to him?, you were the last person we saw with him?“ Alya

“Well he looked sick so i send him to the clinic, I didn't know that he was that sick“ Nino

“Well I Just hope he gets better“ Alix

“So has anyone gotten started researching yet??“Alya

“Nope we were just hoping that will do it together like in a slumber party?“ Rose

“Actually that’s not bad soo who's house are we going?“Juleka

“What are you guys talking about? and where are we going?“ Liela walked to them when she saw her minions talking without her and of course she was escorted by the ever loyal dog Kim

“I umm“ Juleka

“Yeah where are we going?“ Kim 

Everyone was looking at each other knowing that they can fool kim but not Lila.

“Well-“ Alya

“We were planning on a slumber party tonight but we haven't decided where will be staying?“Juleka

“Oh!! why don't we stay at my place my parents arent how so i have are house all to myself and you guys don't have to bring anything with you because and my parents just went to the supermarket yesterday“ Rose

“Really that's great so it's settled will head home pack then will go directly to Rose’s house“ Alya

“Great I can't wait to spend time with my very BEST FRIENDS! but aren't we gonna invite Marinette and Chloe?“ Liela 

“No need they’ll just destroy and ruined the party. So what are we waiting for let GOOOOOO!!!“ Alya

After that everyone started packing their bags and left to their respective homes with a smile on their faces.

***************

It's been so long since I Uploaded something and i hope you guys liked it....        If you guys have any suggestion i’ll be happy to read and maybe include them in my next work.

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Tag list:

@sonif50 @iglowinggemma28 @kuroko26 @northernbluetongue @xxmadamjinxx @mochineko @zalladane @rikku052 @vixen-uchiha @bb-basbusa @thebananathatwrites @mewwitch @2sunchild2 @spicybelladonna @kiara-rose-blackthorn @elliecake5 @schrodingers25 @silvergold-swirl @lamestplaceontheinternet @marinettewayne07 @hunnibear-x @derpwolfgaming @flower2021 @gratefulenaa @miiaivi @kamarallil 

[sunriseseance]

please,,, even if you dont answer this publicly i wanna know your In Depth Thoughts on fanon klaus and the issues w him bc i also have issues w fanon klaus but i cant put it in words

This got SO LONG, so I hope you meant it when you said you wanted in depth! Holy shit I sorta lost my mind on this.

In my early days as a bear-poker in this fandom, I described fanon!Klaus as that person who gets resurrected in a horror movie and comes back different. As an audience member, I can tell he's wrong, but nobody interacting with him directly seems to know this. I've also talked a little bit about Klaus and intelligence before, which plays into any discussion about fanon!Klaus, but I'll be more specific here. Before I get started, I wanna say that fandom is a fun space and I don't think anyone is *bad* for creating/enjoying fanon!Klaus, especially not for the third reason I lay out. I just think he's awful, and has some harmful roots that I doubt the people writing him even know about on a conscious level.

Okay, let's get into this. Because I'm me and Wittgenstein's early work that he later disagreed with has changed my entire way of interacting with the world, I'm gonna define my terms. Let's talk about what fanon!Klaus is LIKE before we talk about why I REALLY DON'T LIKE HIM. Fanon!Klaus is a happy, stupid, sweet, childish, bubbly, luminous free spirit. He wears bubblegum pink skirts and he cries when Diego eats his cookies. He doesn't know what numbers are, he can't count, he can't walk and chew gum, he thinks that Africa is a country, he forgets that homophobia exists, he doesn't know that drugs are bad for him, the list goes on (These are all real examples. Can you tell what part of fanon annoys me the most?). He cries at the drop of a hat, and doesn't understand his place in the family. He'd move heaven and earth to help the people around him, and he'd never be mean to anyone but Luther (and even then just barely) He constantly needs attention, supervision, etc. He makes jokes about modern memes and listens exclusively to pop music. He's really damaged but it's only because nobody Took Care Of Him and he needs someone to Rescue Him.

Canon Klaus is mean, and quick, and sharp, and miserable, and hiding, and funny because you're laughing WITH him, and an old soul, and a goth, and chronically apathetic, and selfish, and so fucking smart, and acutely aware of just how much he matters to other people. He makes rape jokes, he figures out how to get info on the eye while high out of his mind, he speaks like 10 languages, he listens to Nina Simone, he uses people's inherent fear of the dead to buy himself time, he finds the perfect story within the dead to cause a rift, he tells Luther TO HIS FACE that he doesn't care if the world ends. Klaus is a fascinating study in queer trauma, and robbing him of these traits is a complete disservice to yourself AND the character.

I say this often about fanon!Klaus, but WHO IS THIS??? Like…. Okay, if I gave you this list and you didn't know it was about Klaus, would you think it was? I think he's literally unrecognizable. He's not any of the things I know or love about Klaus. He's nobody to me, except a nuisance wearing the same skin suit and clogging the tags. He is also, weirdly, the most popular character in the entire fandom. I wanna think about why, and I have 3 theories that I think can all be true separately or simultaneously instance to instance.

First, fanon!Klaus exists because of internalized homophobia, classism, and anti-addict rhetoric. I think that on some level people don't believe addicts, feminine queer men, or homeless people are capable of intelligence. I think people see Klaus's canonical positive traits and they sort of throw them out the window because they don't make sense with their world view. A queer addict is a helpless tragedy, and he's someone that needs rescuing by Kind Strong Dave. A queer addict can't be smart, because then he wouldn't be an addict. A queer addict can't be wily, or interesting, because then he wouldn't be an addict. Fandom sees a feminine queer mlm and knows he should be in a sparkly bubblegum pink skirt, and saying "dahling" or "wig" or whatever else all the time. They know he should be bashful and submissive and always falling into the arms of Kind Strong Dave who protects him from Evil. They also know he should really, really like Britney Spears, and not give a shit about Nina Simone.

Second, fanon!Klaus exists because people want to excuse negative behavior in their favorite characters. Klaus is selfish and mean and apathetic. He just is. These are flaws that haunt him, and define a lot of his interactions. These are, also, pretty tough flaws to excuse (which… Hey…. I have a solution for that). I think that fanon Klaus, who just doesn't GET that he's being mean, and is too stupid not to become an addict (I don't think addiction is a flaw, but I do think that addiction plays into this), and is too out of touch and childish to understand that he shouldn't just fucking leave, comes from a place of wanting Klaus to be a good person who does good things. I'm sorry, but he isn't. Not always. I think the impulse to make him constantly sweet and constantly stupid comes from wanting Klaus's actions to be fundamentally excusable. He can't help it! He's just too much of a useless twink to know that it's bad to lie! (also, side note, fanon!Ben comes from this side of fanon!Klaus. In canon, Klaus is self destructing on purpose and Ben's presence helps…. Maybe, possibly, twice. In fanon, Klaus is just stupid and he needs a babysitter and that is Ben, the motiveless, endlessly loving but Exhausted braincell holder. This is fucked up on many levels. Ben is an asshole, and we all need to get used to that idea quick).

The third and final reason is that fanon!Klaus is… More fun, in the traditional sense of the word. Fanon!Klaus seems like he comes from a very emotional romcom or sitcom or something. He's like a barbie. He's fun to play dress-up with. He's fun to make incorrect quotes about. He's fun to write about, especially when it's about his siblings herding him or coddling him. Good ol' useless, loveable Klaus. I think this is partially because Klaus is a pretty fucking heavy character. He's a traumatized homeless queer drug addict, and that's sort of hard to make jokey fandom content about. Not impossible, I don't think, but not easy. This isn't to say that angsty fandom content isn't guilty of fanon!Klaus, though. It absolutely is. Often when Klaus willingly shares his feelings, or cries in front of someone, or asks for help for something more intense than tying him to a chair, it's fanon!Klaus. Hell, any time he GETS rescued it's teetering into that territory. He's still completely devoid of all of the grit and intrigue of canon, but he's fun to write about, and fun to project onto, and fun to rescue. He's also EASIER to write. People know that Klaus is a funny character, they know they laugh when he's on screen, but it is WAY harder to write a character you're laughing with than it is to write a character you're laughing at. It's WAY easier to write a character who moves your angst plot on by asking for help, or necessitating rescuing, than it is to work out how these things would happen without initiation. I get it, and in spite of the length of this, I don't think it's the end of the world.

I guess as I close this out, I would remind everyone that Klaus is smart, and mean, and over 30 years old. He's not a babe in the woods, or a damsel in distress, or a useless silly junkie twink. I promise that the real Klaus is worth the time and effort it takes to engage with him.

[yuzhousky]

Hi bummie🤗

The post about vsm225 has really rubbed me the wrong way and I have a few things to say.

First, I have a message for the person who submitted the ask to you: if you are going to bash somebody like that behind the safety and comfort of your keyboard, the least you can do is NOT post it anonymously. Show us your name and your face. How do you expect to be taken seriously for tarnishing someone's name anonymously?

I myself have been her long time follower on instagram. Does that make me and another 1300 people stupid? Shallow? Retarded?

However, the fact that i have been her follower will not make me biased to what i have to say.

Now, on a serious note, I like what she posts on her instagram, also i like what meimei (the girl who is looking after her account at the moment and posting stuff for vsm while she is struggling with covid) has been posting for the past month as well. Well, im lying. I dont like it, i LOVE IT. I love the vibe of posts, i love how spicy and sassy they are, and that is one of the instagram profiles i have the most interaction with. Because we are all there to have a good time, NOT to state facts. Vine is a very respectful person, she never throws hate or shade towards anyone, she never forces anyone to believe in anything she posts, and she never pushes her content in the as-a-matter-of-fact manner. Yes, there are sometimes hardcore bad translations from weibo, but i never take that stuff too deep, im able to get the point of what was behind it. Also, if she posts anything misleading for whatever reason, the moment she realises that she will own up to it and apologise.

Everything else is not meant to be taken seriously, but as fun and good time. Only things regarding zz and jy work and what THEY allow US to see regarding their private life can be called FACTS, the rest is all product of our delulu, speculations, wishful thinking etc, and we choose what to do with it. Im a 39 year-old man, with a master degree and more than 2 brain cells in my head and a full on life going on, yet in my comments on instagram i will refer to zz as "queen", "wifey", "madam huang" all in the name of funny banters and light hearted content and not because i find it to be the FACT. The fact is that i have enormous respect for that boy, not that i find his sole existence to be the wifey queen of jy. The FACT is that we can all learn from him how to behave mature, be strong, stick to your guns and believe in what you do, do stuff you find to be good for you, not bowing down to anyone and losing your integrity will result in success, not whether he wore the same tshirt as jy. The fact is that zz has always remaind humble, well behaved and he never allowed the success to take the best of him, not whether or not him and jy spent 2 hot nights in sanya in february. I could go on forever with this.

Vine, and everyone else on the internet are NOT here to please the crowd but because they post the things that make THEM happy and make THEM feel good. Those are THEIR accounts. The rest is up to us - who do we find at the same wave length, whose vibe matches ours, whose posts we like, and so on. Therefore we choose who to follow, and we all should be respectful to any other work anyone else posts online. Because, behind each and every profile is someone who takes time of their busy lives and puts a lot of work to provide the content for us. I personally cant stand the profiles dedicated to johnny and reba ship, but i dont go around barking online that they suck. I simpy DONT GO THERE. I stay in my own lane, i follow the content i like and let others live. Im not going around saying, or as the person in the post casually said "POINTING OUT"- hey everyone, dont follow that person because it doesnt align with MY OWN taste level. What qualifies anyone to say that? What right does anyone have to say that? Does any of us live or spend time with the boys? Using the FACTS logic, i could come to bummies profile every so often and be like - listen girl, you have to stop leading people on with your "hints" and "coincidences" and stick to the facts only tyvm. Right? Instead, i choose to visit your blog every day, LIVING for the content you put here.

Of course, there is always the responsibilty towards what you post publicly for everyone to see, but as long as there is nothing harmful or malicious im not being nit picky about it.

There are so few profiles dedicated to yuzhou left. There is bummies blog and like another 10ish instagram profiles still actively posting about them as one. Why having any bad vibes about any of them? Why showing any negative energy to anyone? Throwing shade or hate? What is the point like? Aren't we all here because we are supporting the boys for ALL the work they have done in the last 5 years, watching their growth in life and careers and having some light, fun time while doing it? Why creating any bad blood? I mean, we are basically being gossips girls, sorry everyone, we are not saving the world here or curing pandemics to take things so seriously.

As usual bummie, im ending this by thanking you yet again so much for everything you do, keep up with the good work! 🤗🤗🤗

Thanks for sharing your opinion. However, I just wanna make some points clearer here:

Tbh I'm not biased towards anyone in this case so I'm just gonna say what I'm thinking now. The previous anonymous ask about vsm was somehow pretty harsh towards vsm and I really don't want anyone to throw shade on her at all because I know she's a lovely fan of YZ and she's just trying her best to share the latest info about the boys. I know not all of her posts are about the facts; many of them are just delulus and jokes among fans, which are normal, and of course it's her own account so she could literally share anything she wants. However, I myself prefer the clarity in news/info delivery more, I mean if the post is just a delulu or joke, it should be stated clearly in order not to cause misleading or misunderstood things, because many interfans do not have Weibo accounts to double check the info, not to mention those new fans who might get confused even more. I have to say that this isn't the first time someone asking me about the reliability of some vsm's posts on IG because of her "vague" words and translation, and then I had to find the original posts on Weibo again or double check the info with Chinese cpfs then told vsm to correct her words.

So my opinion is that we are all sharing info with a big love for our idols but we also need to care about the clarity and reliability of our content as well. Of course we do not need to please anyone on the internet but at least we're responsible for what we post and those who might read it.

[litho-lich]

I just saw the techno video and I gotta say, im glad he can hold on to his humor like he is. Chemo is never easy but he seems okay so far

hoping for a not too sucky treatment time and a speedy recovery for the pig man

longer post and discussion about cancer below cut

I started writing this yesterday right after i saw the video but for some reason didnt post till now...

I know I’m probably not saying anything someone else hasn’t said before but I just wanted to say to anyone who follows me or may see this and needs to hear it, especially younger people; cancer is a serious thing and needs to be taken seriously but it's no longer the immediate death sentence it once was (some kinds are worse but from what I can gather, this isn't one of those kinds.) 

Im not going to possibly give false hope and say I know how this is going to end--im working on the same info as you guys and, like i said, it needs to be taken seriously--but my grandma kicked cancer's ass at 57 and that was 16 years ago; technology and chemo techniques have just gotten better since then and Techno said he was healthy before this and has great doctors.

Still it can be a scary situation to hear someone you know or know about has cancer, especially if this is your first time having it impact your life, and there is no shame in feeling upset about it, but please don't despair. Take care of yourself, take a step back if it gets to be too much, and send support in any way you can, if you can.

Support could mean well wishes, donating to cancer foundations if you have the money for it, being vigilant against passing on germs (not just covid) for the safety of immuno compromised people around you, getting vaccinated (again not just for covid) for the same reason, and so much more. When my grandma was sick, I made hats for a cancer charity in my area; they always need them, especially in colder climates, and it kept my hands busy

even if you can’t do any of these (tho i hope you are all being cautious about germs anyway) its important to take care of yourself too. don’t deny your own emotions cause that will just feel worse in the long run (trust me) but theres a difference between feeling an emotion and living in an emotion; one lets you deal with it and the other just kinda lets it take over.  

taking care of yourself could mean all the basic self care tips (ie: making sure you eat and hydrate, taking a shower/bath, sleeping, etc) but it also could mean taking a break from the internet, getting lost in a book or a project, or simply distracting yourself with other things. Emotional and mental health is just as important as physical.

My point is: its alright to be shocked or upset, but it will be okay. if you are ever feeling helpless, there are things you can do if you have the time, energy, and/or money to give and, if you cant, you can still take care of yourself and thats enough. Give techno space to recover at his own pace, give his friends and family space as well--including content creators--support him how you can through his own content and that he does with his friends, and please dont go looking for info beyond what he puts out

like i said, probably not anything someone else hasn’t said before, but in the off chance, i felt like i should write something up. also writing is how i, personally, channel my emotions, so this helped me a lot. normally i write fiction but i guess it was my turn to write an emotional well being PSA

btw this is about Technoblade but honestly this is my advice for most situations like these. Breathe, do what you can, dont worry if you cant do much, dont get lost in What Ifs, don’t get lost in your emotions but dont Not feel them, and, over all, take care of yourself

[likelightningafterthethunder]

Like Lightning After the Thunder: Chapter One: Damned Smile

Fic Summary:

His breath wavered as he stared into Katsuki’s eyes. He knew he could get out if he tried. He could knock Katsuki out, hope that no one else would find them, and run back into the shadows where he belonged. Katsuki may have had him pinned down but he was in Denki’s range now and it would take little effort to send a charge through Katsuki to paralyze him temporarily.

It would take barely any additional effort to kill Katsuki.

As the sparks began to charge, lighting up the air around him, Katsuki refused to back down.

–

Katsuki always knew he was destined for great things.

He didn’t think he’d have to turn his back on all he’s ever known to get there.

Rating: T

Warnings: Eventual major character death, implied/referenced child abuse, psychological trauma

Other Tags: Bakugou Katsuki/Kaminari Denki, slow burn, alternate universe - canon divergence

Read on Ao3 (links to corresponding chapter) or read below

Previous Chapter | Next Chapter | Fic navigation to read the fic on tumblr 

--

Even years later, that damn smile haunted his dreams.

There was absolutely no reason for him to still think about the event. Everything had been taken care of when it had happened― injuries were treated, authorities alerted, information secured, and a press conference to tie it all up in a big red bow. There were no loose ends, no surprise second coming, no physical reminders of what happened lingering in his daily life. Katsuki would have labeled it as done, dealt with, and no longer relevant, shoving it aside in his memory so he could focus on actual important shit.

Except his mind had different plans.

When he was lucky, he could completely forget about the event for months. Other times, his dreams would be filled with nothing but that damn smile, taunting him with its silence. He could usually predict when the dreams would come― the anniversary of the event for example― but other times, it seemed like anything could trigger the memory. He once saw a bright yellow balloon and for the rest of the day, every time he closed his eyes he saw that damned smile, never wavering despite the curses and insults Katsuki spewed.

He wanted to forget it. He wanted so desperately to forget it. For the image to erase itself from his mind, for it to take the feelings away with it. He could deal with the anger, he could always deal with the anger, but when his memory reminded him of the wave of hurt and betrayal that nearly blinded him…

When his alarm jolted him from his sleep and freed him from the smile, he couldn’t get out of bed fast enough. He woke up drenched in a cold sweat, sheets singed and smoking lightly as he unclenched his hands, and Katsuki was, for once, very relieved that not all of his sweat was explosive. He slapped the singes a few times to ensure that all of the embers were put out before heading for the bathroom, cursing under his breath as he flinched at his own reflection in the mirror.

There was nothing particularly wrong with his appearance, if you didn’t count the dark circles under his eyes from a fitful night’s sleep or his clammy skin, but after being plagued by the smile, Katsuki could barely look at himself. His reaction to the smile made him feel weak, like he couldn’t handle himself and that there was something wrong with him. It was just a smile after all. There was no reason for him to react to it like a nightmare, no reason for him to lose sleep over it or to feel overwhelmed by emotions at the thought of it.

Yet when he saw the smile and saw how the corners of his mouth were tugged a bit too tight, how his eyes were open a bit too wide, how the only shine in his eyes were the reflections of light on tears that refused to fall…

Katsuki cursed.

The icy cold shower did little to help distract him from the memory, nor did his morning run nor the steaming shower he took after. He wasn’t supposed to head into the agency today, so he didn’t have any planned beatdowns for today, and yes he probably shouldn’t be hoping for it, but part of him hoped for a sudden emergency villain so he could distract himself by focusing on beating some villain’s ass into next week.

A few hours later when his phone refused to stop buzzing, Katsuki wondered if throwing his phone across the room until it stopped would be close enough to beating villain ass to work. He reluctantly decided that talking to people so they’d leave him alone was probably less hassle to deal with than having to replace his phone and distribute his new number (even if it would give him an excuse to ghost some of these damn extras).

A few individual texts and a group text were the cause of the buzzing. As the group text’s new message count continued to rise, he figured it would be easier to respond to the individual texts first. Just in case he changed his mind about destroying the phone.

Four Eyes (Rocket Legs): Hello Bakugou, this is a reminder about the upcoming Class A reunion. As the head of the reunion committee, it is my duty to ensure an accurate headcount for the event, and I have yet to receive your response about your attendance. Please ensure to respond via the following link by this Friday at 11:59PM. [Class A 10 Year Reunion RSVP]

Four Eyes (Rocket Legs): In case you missed the previous messages regarding the reunion, the event is March 28th starting at 7PM at the Shinjuku Hotel in Musutafu. If you need to rent a room for the night or the weekend, please alert the Shinjuku Hotel staff that you are part of the Class A reunion party by next Wednesday for an event discount.

Katsuki frowned. He wasn’t exactly looking forward to the possibility of being surrounded by all of his former classmates and even less at the idea of being socially obligated to spend the entire evening with them. At least when he met up with his friends elsewhere, he could always claim needing to leave early so he could make the last train or that work needed him to come in early the next day.

He closed out of the conversation, figuring he still had a few more days to decide if he really wanted to deal with his classmates for an entire evening.

Midoriya: Hey Katsugou! I was wondering if you’re going to go to the reunion? Tenya said the deadline to RSVP is coming soon and we haven’t heard from you, so I just thought I’d check in!

Katsuki: The fuck is Katsugou?

Midoriya: Oh sorry!! Typo!!

Midoriya: Anyway, are you coming?

Katsuki closed out of the conversation and moved on to the next one.

Shitty Hair: Katsuki! Are you coming to the reunion or not dude????

Katsuki: Fuck off.

Shitty Hair: Aww dude that’s no way to talk to your best friend, you know you love me!!

Katsuki: I’m blocking you.

He did not, in fact, block him. But he did close out of Eijirou’s texts.

Save for the newest text sent directly from Eijirou, all that was left was the backlog of texts in the group text. It had kept going off while he was reading the other conversations, so Katsuki figured it meant that everyone was either off for the day or on their lunch break.

Raccoon Eyes: guys!!!!! the reunion is COMING UPPPPPP!!!!

Raccoon Eyes: i cant wait to s

Raccoon Eyes: ee all of u guys again!!

Tape Face: lmao you saw us last week

Raccoon Eyes: yes

Raccoon Eyes: an eteRNITY ago

Raccoon Eyes: and like

Raccoon Eyes: kats left early so we didnt have everyone

Raccoon Eyes: so it doesnt count

Shitty Hair: Yeah Katsuki don’t leave early next time!!

Raccoon Eyes: we just have to hold him hostage next time

Raccoon Eyes: or like

Raccoon Eyes: AMBUSH him

Tape Face: i can always tape him up

Raccoon Eyes: YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEES

Raccoon Eyes: tape him to the wall

Raccoon Eyes: and then like

Raccoon Eyes: steal his wallet

Raccoon Eyes: cant get on transit w no moneys

Raccoon Eyes: ei and han hold him down

Raccoon Eyes: i run to hide his wallet where he cant fi

Raccoon Eyes: nd it

Raccoon Eyes: probs keeps kats tapped to the wall all night

Raccoon Eyes: free up his arms so he can have a drink????

Tape Face: explosion palms dude

Raccoon Eyes: oh u right

Raccoon Eyes: he can just have a cup w like

Raccoon Eyes: a REALLY REALLY long straw

Raccoon Eyes: make sure u tape him up w his hands behind his back

Tape Face: you got it

Shitty Hair: He’s in this chat guys he’s going to see the plan

Raccoon Eyes: whatevs we can still totally blindside him

Raccoon Eyes: ANYWAYS

Raccoon Eyes: ure all going right?????

Tape Face: ya I rsvpd a while back

Shitty Hair: Yep!! Wouldn’t miss it for the world!

Raccoon Eyes: what about u kats

Raccoon Eyes: kats???

Raccoon Eyes: KAAAAAAAAAAAAATS

Raccoon Eyes: k

Raccoon Eyes: a

Shitty Hair: I’ll text him separately

Raccoon Eyes: t

Tape Face: he probably has this muted lmao

Raccoon Eyes: s

Raccoon Eyes: !!!!!!

Raccoon Eyes: how dare u ignore us

Raccoon Eyes: after everything weve done for u!!!!

Raccoon Eyes: thought we were ur ride or die hoes

Raccoon Eyes: dont tell me ur not going!!!!!

Raccoon Eyes: im so offended

Raccoon Eyes: how could u do this to us kats

Shitty Hair: Maybe he’s at work today?

Raccoon Eyes: boo

Raccoon Eyes: how dare he prioritize wo

Raccoon Eyes: rk over us

Raccoon Eyes: his best friends

Raccoon Eyes: the suns of his life

Raccoon Eyes: the bit of happiness in the cold

Raccoon Eyes: cold

Raccoon Eyes: cold

Tape Face: coooooooooold

Raccoon Eyes: COOOOOOOOLD

Raccoon Eyes: thing he calls a heart

Shitty Hair: Lmao

Tape Face: its got a bit of warmth

Tape Face: most of it is his temper

Raccoon Eyes: boom boom POW

Raccoon Eyes: well while we wait for kats

Raccoon Eyes: help me pick some photos for the slideshow!!

Tape Face: are you doing only UA pics or some stuff since then

Tape Face: somehow iida managed to not specify lmao

Shitty Hair: The info email was like ten pages, how did he miss it

Tape Face: idk

Raccoon Eyes: ive got plenty for both!!

Raccoon Eyes: momo said pref UA pics but some new stuff is good too

Raccoon Eyes: show how far weve come n all that

Tape Face: oh cool let me get some opinions then too

Shitty Hair: Anyone have any pics of the camping trip from second year?

Raccoon Eyes: before or after todoroki and kats’ fight turned it into a icy hot springs

Shitty Hair: Both lmao but probably before it went to hell

Raccoon Eyes: image.png

Raccoon Eyes: ofc ive got us chillin in the springs

Raccoon Eyes: well most of us

Raccoon Eyes: kats u never get in the water w us :C

Raccoon Eyes: lets go to the beach next time!!

Tape Face: hed prob boil the water w you in it if you dragged him in lmao

Tape Face: spicy acid time

Raccoon Eyes: id like to see him TRY

Shitty Hair: Don’t tempt him lmao

Raccoon Eyes: image.png

Raccoon Eyes: image.png

Raccoon Eyes: image.png

Raccoon Eyes: i got like a shit ton more

Raccoon Eyes: should i send some of THE FIGHT

Shitty Hair: Maybe not

Tape Face: yes

Tape Face: well

Tape Face: depends on how many pissed off katsuki pics youre putting in lmao

Raccoon Eyes: OH

Raccoon Eyes: OHHHH

Raccoon Eyes: OHHHHHHHHHHHHH

Tape Face: ?

Raccoon Eyes: dude

Raccoon Eyes: do u have the POMERANIAN pic

Tape Face: o shit

Tape Face: image.png

Shitty Hair: I still think Katsuki should’ve taken that pup home

Shitty Hair: They’re matching!

Tape Face: image.png

Tape Face: i also have this one

Tape Face: when she tried to bite his nose off lmao

Raccoon Eyes: kats couldve named her king explosion murder

Raccoon Eyes: or just murder

Raccoon Eyes: p sure she wouldve tried to murder kats at least o

Raccoon Eyes: nce

Tape Face: lmao she basically tried when he found her

Shitty Hair: Maybe it’s for the best that he didn’t keep the pup

Tape Face: look what i found

Tape Face: image.png

Raccoon Eyes: AWWWW YES

Raccoon Eyes: LOOK AT USSSSS

Raccoon Eyes: we look FABBBB

Shitty Hair: Is that from the dance?

Tape Face: ye

Raccoon Eyes: guys what if we recreate that pic at the reunion

Raccoon Eyes: the fits?

Raccoon Eyes: immaculate

Raccoon Eyes: the pose?

Raccoon Eyes: perfection

Tape Face: hotel?

Tape Face: trivago

Shitty Hair: I’m down for recreating some pics!

Raccoon Eyes: yessssss

Raccoon Eyes: u have no choice either kats u gotta do it

Raccoon Eyes: wherever u are

Shitty Hair: Oh he replied!!

Raccoon Eyes: SWEET

Raccoon Eyes: what he say

Shitty Hair: He said fuck off

Tape Face: as expected

Shitty Hair: Lmao he threatened to block me again

Tape Face: thought he said he was blocking you last week

Shitty Hair: Yea exactly

Raccoon Eyes: HOW RUDE

Raccoon Eyes: as punishment for not paying attention to us

Raccoon Eyes: im gonna send this

Raccoon Eyes: image.png

Tape Face: LMAO whend you make that

Shitty Hair: Is that Katsuki with a cat face and ears

Shitty Hair: Dude I don’t know if he’s going to kill you for that or for the pink hair first lmao

Raccoon Eyes: lmao made it just now

Raccoon Eyes: well MAYBE if he ANSWERED us

Katsuki: Delete it.

Tape Face: O SHIT

Tape Face: you summoned him

Raccoon Eyes: NO I WILL NOT

Katsuki: Delete it Raccoon Eyes or else I’m coming for you.

Tape Face: are you coming for the left shoes and shittin in them

Raccoon Eyes: NOOOOOOO not my shoes!!!!!!!!

Tape Face: its just the left shoes tho

Raccoon Eyes: BUT THATS MY FAVE SIDE

Katsuki: What the fuck are you two going on about?

Raccoon Eyes: DONT COME FOR M

Raccoon Eyes: Y LEFT SHOES KATS IM SORRY

Katsuki: I’m not coming for your fucking left shoes. Or any of your shoes.

Katsuki: I will be coming for you if you don’t delete that picture, though.

Raccoon Eyes: FORGIVENESS

Raccoon Eyes: I BEG

Raccoon Eyes: PLSSSSS

Katsuki: Delete the picture.

Raccoon Eyes: ugh fiiiiiiiiiine

Raccoon Eyes: its deleted

Raccoon Eyes: i wont send it to momo for the slide show

Katsuki: Good.

Raccoon Eyes: IF U COME TO THE REUNION

Katsuki: Fuck off.

Shitty Hair: C’mon Katsuki!! It’ll be fun!!

Tape Face: ya it wouldnt do if we didnt have our exploding star

Raccoon Eyes: ill send momo WORSE if u dont come

Raccoon Eyes: nd u wont know WHAT til AFTER

Raccoon Eyes: so PLSSSSSSSSSS

Raccoon Eyes: PRETTY PLSSSSSSS

Raccoon Eyes: PLS COME TO THE REUNION

Raccoon Eyes: ill spam u a lot worse if u dont show us proof of rsvp

Raccoon Eyes: pls kaaaaaaaaats

Raccoon Eyes: kaaaaaaaaats

Raccoon Eyes: k

Raccoon Eyes: a

Katsuki: Ugh fucking fine, I’ll do the RSVP now then.

Raccoon Eyes: t

Raccoon Eyes: YAY

Four Eyes (Rocket Legs): Good afternoon, Bakugou! I just wanted to confirm with you that I have received your RSVP for the Class A reunion. As a reminder, if you need to rent a room for the night or the weekend, please alert the Shinjuku Hotel staff that you are part of the Class A reunion party by next Wednesday for an event discount.

Katsuki: image.png

Katsuki: image.png

Katsuki: Four Eyes is watching the RSVP form like a fucking hawk apparently.

Raccoon Eyes: YAAAAAY URE RSVPD!!!

Shitty Hair: You know him, always dedicated to his work

Tape Face: sweet

Raccoon Eyes: are u guys getting rooms

Tape Face: yea musutafus too far for a round trip

Tape Face: esp since itll prob end late

Shitty Hair: I got one for the weekend!

Tape Face: wbu mina

Raccoon Eyes: booked a room already!!

Raccoon Eyes: kaaaaats wbu

Raccoon Eyes: u should

Raccoon Eyes: we could have a brunch or lunch or s/t thats just us

Raccoon Eyes: plsssssss kats

Katsuki: I’ll think about it.

Tape Face: better than a no lmao

Shitty Hair: If they run out of space or if you decide last second, you can room with me dude

Raccoon Eyes: awww why not a yes

Katsuki: I haven’t asked the other Four Eyes for the time off yet.

Tape Face: is this four eyes no4 or no15

Raccoon Eyes: four eyes no69

Raccoon Eyes: no wait

Raccoon Eyes: no420

Tape Face: haha blaze it

Raccoon Eyes: BLAZE IT

Shitty Hair: It’s number 7

Katsuki: Fuck you, I don’t have that many Four Eyes saved in my phone.

Shitty Hair: I’d be surprised if you had 420 contacts period dude

Raccoon Eyes: would b hilarious tho

Katsuki: Yes, it’s Four Eyes number 7.

Shitty Hair: I was right!!

Katsuki: Why would I ask any of the other Four Eyes for time off? They’re not my fucking bosses.

Tape Face: dunno

Raccoon Eyes: idk maybe ure secretly dating one a

Raccoon Eyes: nd have to confirm that its ok

Raccoon Eyes: ARE U SECRETLY DATING A FOUR EYES

Raccoon Eyes: U HAVE TO TELL US IF U ARE

Raccoon Eyes: URE LEGALLY OBLIGATED

Tape Face: o shit

Tape Face: scandalous

Katsuki: Shut the fuck up, I’m not dating anyone, secret or not.

Raccoon Eyes: thats what they all say

Katsuki: Whatever. I’m not dating anyone.

Raccoon Eyes: kats n four eyes no420 sittin in a tree

Raccoon Eyes: k

Raccoon Eyes: i

Raccoon Eyes: s

Raccoon Eyes: s

Raccoon Eyes: i

Katsuki: I’ll blow up all of your left shoes when you’re not home.

Raccoon Eyes: n

Raccoon Eyes: NO

Raccoon Eyes: IM STOPPING DONT DO IT

Shitty Hair: Hey what do you guys think of this photo

Shitty Hair: image.png

Tape Face: dude yes

Raccoon Eyes: AWWWW OUR FIRST BILLBOARDS AS PROS

Katsuki: Do we really need to send them pictures? It’s not like we fucking forgot this stuff already.

Tape Face: you can be a killjoy if you want lmao

Tape Face: im sure mina will send more than enough to cover for you

Raccoon Eyes: U BETCHA

Raccoon Eyes: image.png

Raccoon Eyes: image.png

Raccoon Eyes: image.png

Raccoon Eyes: image.png

Raccoon Eyes: image.png

Tape Face: lmao why do you have a pic of katsuki throwing ei

Shitty Hair: I still can’t believe you did that bro

Shitty Hair: WITHOUT WARNING TOO

Katsuki: I gave you plenty of fucking warning.

Shitty Hair: Saying “I’m throwing you” AS YOU’RE THROWING ME is NOT PLENTY OF WARNING DUDE

Raccoon Eyes: im always ready to document golden moments

Katsuki: Shut the fuck up. We won the training exercise so what’s it fucking matter?

Shitty Hair: YOU THREW ME!!

Katsuki: Tape Face caught you before you could get hurt.

Shitty Hair: YOU /THREW/ ME!!!!!!

Tape Face: barely caught

Katsuki: Whatever.

Raccoon Eyes: im still impressed by how eASY u made that look

Katsuki: What the fuck’s that supposed to mean?

Raccoon Eyes: o look conveniently timed distraction photo spam

Katsuki sighed as he continued the conversation, commenting here and there on the photos his friends sent for judgement. In retrospect, he probably should have tried to talk to Shion first, since there was a chance she would have denied the time off for the reunion. Although, knowing her, she would have accepted just to force Katsuki into socializing. He opened up a new text message, figuring that if Shion did decide to deny the time off, he would at least have a screenshot to send to his friends explaining the sudden change in plans.

Katsuki: I need March 28th and 29th off.

Four Eyes (Shitty Shion): Do my eyes deceive me? The great Katsuki Bakugou, asking for time off?

Four Eyes (Shitty Shion): I’m amazed! Usually I have to ask you to take the day off!

Four Eyes (Shitty Shion): Nay, not ask, but force!

Katsuki: Are you going to give it to me or not?

Four Eyes (Shitty Shion): Depends! What do you need the time off for?

Katsuki: Class reunion.

Four Eyes (Shitty Shion): Oh those are fun!

Four Eyes (Shitty Shion): Fill out the proper time off paperwork and have it on my desk by Monday. I’ll approve the time off.

Four Eyes (Shitty Shion): Just keep your phone on you in case we need you to come in for an emergency, but I’ll try not to ruin your reunion with work.

Katsuki: Thanks.

Well, so much for an easy way out.

Katsuki pinched the bridge of his nose when he noticed that his phone had already accumulated another thirty texts in the past few minutes, no doubt primarily from Mina. He scrolled through the backlog, sending a few mostly empty threats when he saw photos he did not want projected for the entire class to see, freezing when his gaze met a pair of familiar amber eyes.

Shit.

In his scramble to close out of the photo, to escape the genuine smile that somehow was more haunting than the one in his dreams, he left the group text completely. He briefly thanked his past self; he’d impulse or rage quit the group text plenty of times before that this wasn’t unusual behavior. If he was lucky, his friends wouldn’t have noticed the timing of his departure and would assume he was just fed up with the notifications or the conversation.

Shitty Hair: You okay, Katsuki?

A weak laugh escaped Katsuki’s lips as he read the newest notification. Of course Eijirou noticed.

Katsuki: I’m fine.

Shitty Hair: Okay

Shitty Hair: We don’t have to talk about it

Shitty Hair: But if you want to, I’m here dude

Shitty Hair: I’ll tell the others that you left so your phone would shut up and not to add you back yet

Katsuki: Thanks. Really.

Shitty Hair: No problem dude

Katsuki put his phone down, silently praying for the smile to leave him alone.

When he finally laid down for bed that night, he repeated the short prayer, for a peaceful night’s rest free of the smile, of the hurt, of the pain, of the guilt.

But as always, the smile came.

[words-for-holland]

Happier (5) | T.H.

Summary: Harry and Harrison made it to New York without witnesses. One secret is revealed and a relationship could be broken up for good. What will the future hold for Y/N and Tom?

A/N: Everybody buckle up and grab your tissues, we’re in for a bumpy ride. Lemme know how you feel after this! Was it what you expected??

Part 1 | Part 2 | Part 3 | Part 4 | Part 5 | Part 6 | Part 7 | Part 8

Guilt

It’s one thing to keep a secrets, but it’s another thing when you’re hiding it from the people you love. For Kate, she was becoming consumed in her own guilt as each day passed. Everyday her breaths would shorten, her heartbeat quicken, and her conscience relentlessy invading her inner thoughts. Kate tried to find all the possibilities to avoid the truth, and make everyone happy...but it didnt matter. One way or another, someone was going to get hurt.

Kate stood in front of Harrison and Harry at her doorstep. While she was relieved and excited to see them, a slight tinge of fear was present. “How are you going to find out the truth?” She asks calmly as Harrison and Harry made their way into the apartment. Kate picked up her phone, checking for an message. None showed up.

“Well, we might have found something. A clue maybe, but we’re not sure.” Harry explained as he picked up his macbook, turning it on.

“Is Y/N here?” Harrison asked, and as if on cue she appeared, heavy bags under her eyes.

The moment Y/N laid eyes on the two, she couldn’t believe it. Her hands quickly rubbing the sleep from her eyes, almost convinced it was a dream. “What? Harry? Harrison? What are you guys doing here?” Y/N excitedly asks. She made her way towards the boys giving them a long awaited hug. “I missed you guys.” She whispers.

“We want to help you.” Harrison says as he pulled away. “The unknown number? We might have an idea.”

Y/N looked at them suspiciously, checking her phone for cryptic messages. “Does anyone know you’re here?”

They both shook their head. “We didn’t tell anyone back home. As far as anyone knows, Harrison and I are going on a 3 day hike with little reception.” Harry reassured her with his boyish smile. Y/N look at him with admiration. He may not look like his brother, but his tone had Tom written all over it.

“Great. Just make sure your location is off on your phones..they could be watching us.” Kate warned as she checked her phone again.

Harrison looked at Kate with sympathy. In the years he’s known her because of Y/N and Tom’s relationship, she always seemed to be the sweetest most loyal friend out there. He was happy that Y/N had someone like Kate in her life. Not to mention it was also a plus that she was fairly pretty, even with the worry written all over face, she was still beautiful to Harrison.

“Hey.” Harrison spoke out for Kate’s attention. “We’re gonna figure this out. I promise.” While Kate nodded, she silently knew that this was not going to end well.”

“Wait...so Tom? Is he—?” Y/N asks the boys with anticipation.

Harrison knowing, exactly what Y/N was asking before she could even finished answered swiftly. “No! Of course not!” He laughs as if it was the silliest thing to answer. “Y/N, Tom loves you. He still does.”

“But the pictures..”

“Was a PR stunt set by Natalie’s publicists.” Harrison finished. “He’s doing a project that Natalie somehow got involved in, and they wanted a PR relationship to sell it. He didn’t want to at first, but then they showed him pictures of you and some div.”

“Hey he’s not some div! Matt’s a good guy.” Y/N defends. “Sweet actually, but I turned him down at the end of it. We’re just friends.”

Then it clicked. “Wait. You said that Tom saw the pictures?” Y/N asked trying to piece it together. “How did he get pictures?”

Harry and Harrison took a moment to think it through. “Well...Natalie’s publicist showed it to Tom.” Harry answered.

“But we don’t know where she got the pictures from.” Harrison added. “My money was on Natalie...still is.”

“Cmon mate. There’s no way she could have gotten pictures in New York and suddenly fly back to London.”

Kate slowly made her way to her own room, no longer wanting to be part of the conversation. They were getting too suspicious, and the more they questioned, the more nervous she got.

“Well maybe the unknown number sent it.” Harry said as he continued to be deep in his thoughts. “Or they found out on that fan account you found Harrison.”

“Wait? Fan account? They know?!” Y/N freaked out. Three years into making sure she was kept in the shadows, and it went all down the drain. If it there were fan accounts then it would only make it harder to finding out who really did sabotage her relationship. Let alone everyone’s lives.

“We don’t know yet, but Harrison found a fan account that was posting about Tom and you. Not together at least, but seperately. The weird part is...barely few people follow it, so we’re not sure what it means.” Harry explained, as he tried to pull up the account. “Oh no.”

“What? What do you mean ‘Oh no’?” Harrison panicked.

“I cant find the account.” Harrison said as he tried to pull it up, but the page disappeared.

In the nick of time, a message was sent to all three of them.

Unknown

Looks like you’re back to square 1 ❤️

“Shit! How did they know?” Harrison questioned in anger. “We were this close!”

“It’s okay Harrison. I appreciate that you guys tried, but it’s a lost cause.” Y/N consoled him, rubbing his shoulder.

“It won’t be. We’ll find another way.” Harry encouraged as he hugged them both. “By the way, where’s Kate gone?”

All three looked up to notice she was missing. Y/N waved it off, assuming it was just one of those days. “She probably went to bed early. Kate gets tired easily, nowadays. It might be because of her new job on top of watching out for me. Its a lot to take on for a person.”

The reasoning seemed valid enough Harrison and Harry. Plus it was Kate they were talking about, she always had Y/N’s back from day one, she wouldnt blackmail any of them or ruin Y/N and Tom’s relationship..right?

Late in the night, Harrison had trouble sleeping because of the jetlag. Since it only was a medicore 2 bedroom apartment, Harrison and Harry slept in the living room on the sofa bed. Luckily it was big enough for the both them and they didnt have to resort to cuddling. Harrison lied on his back as he looked out to the NYC view, thinking about everything and nothing at all. He smiled, thinking about it all. For a very serious couple, a lot of shit has gone down and yet here he was with trying to save it. He cared about the two so deeply, they were his family and family never turns their back on the other.

Then he heard something, whispers coming from the hall. Harrison didn’t dare to make a move but he trained his ears to listen carefully at the voice.

“Im telling you they are getting suspicious.” The voice whispered into the phone. It sounded like Kate’s and Harrison continued to listen in.

“No.No. I sent the damn pictures to you for a reason. No one told me that they would come here. I wasn’t prepared for that.” Kate continues as she paces in the corner.

Pictures? Harrison was awake more than ever, as he quickly shook Harry, and told him to stay quiet. They continued to listen.

“Look I did everything I was told to do. She got what she wanted, now —” Kate stopped in her tracks as she saw Harry and Harrison in front of her. Immediately she dropped the call, her lips moving, unable to find the words.

“How could you?” Harry said his brown eyes glaring at at the girl who just betrayed her best friend. “She was your best friend! How could you?!” He spoke louder.

Kate tried her best to quiet them down, but there was the point. She knew this day would come. “You don’t understand.” Kate whispers, looking at the ground. “I was only doing this to protect Y/N.”

“Protect Y/N? Blackmailing her? Sending pictures of her and a guy to Tom, so he would turn against her? That’s protecting her?” Harrison questioned, hurt by her actions. If he was hurt, then surely It would hurt Y/N far worse.

Y/N comes out of her room as she sees the three gather together, glaring at each other. “Hey..w-what’s going in?” She asks nervously.

“Why don’t you tell her Kate?” Harry spits out as he gestures to Y/N. Kate looks into her best friend’s eyes tears welling up. Y/N had fear struck into her face, afraid of what she had to say.

“I’m so sorry.” She cries. “I didn’t have a choice. She would have ruined our friendship if I did.”

“Kate. What.Did.You.Do?” Y/N asks, emphasizing each word to the question.

Kate shook her head as she let out a deep sigh. “Im the reason your pictured with Matt got out Tom.”

Y/N shook her head, tears streaming. She didn’t want to believe it. “Please tell me you’re lying.”

“Im sorry Y/N. I swear I didnt mean for this to get out of hand. I was threatened that if I didn share them, then they would say something that could ruin our friendship..and...I didnt want that to happen.” Kate frantically explains, sobbing at her no good explanation.

Y/N shook her head, her face switching from sadness to anger. “Looks like you didn’t need them to ruin it at all for you. Now you’re gonna tell me what you know and then Im packing my stuff and Im moving out.”

Kate sobbed as she try to plead to her ex-bestfriend to stay. “Look I’ll tell you everything okay, but it’s not much.” She takes a deep breath before she continues. “I was the one that started the rumors and created the fan account Harry and Harrison saw.”

“Why?” Y/N asks, her disappointed face unchanging.

“I was jealous of you at the time. Y/N you had everything I could have ever wanted in my life. A job, a boyfriend that doesn’t leave you, a family that loves you, and the fame which you didn’t even want to accept with open arms. You were always a step ahead of me at something and I was tired of it. So when you told me you felt uneasy about Natalie when she first moved in, I sold that info online and twisted the story so that it looked like Tom liked Natalie and they were a potential couple.”

“Oh my god.” Harrison said as he let his head down. “You made Natalie think that Tom was in love with her secretly thats why she had become so persistant.”

Kate slowly nodded as she took another breath. “As for the fan accounts I can’t tell you much because I was just asked to create them by the Unknown number.”

“Wait so you’re not the unknown number?” Harry asked confused.

Kate shook her head. “I don’t who it is. Im just a vicitim as much as you guys are.”

“No cut that bullshit. It’s because of you that all of our lives are a mess. It’s because of you that I had to lose the most important thing in my life. So don’t say you’re a fucking victim when all you really did was try to save your own ass.” Y/N yelled.

“You didn’t have to if you were so confident in your relationship with Tom.” She spat back.

“I love Tom with all my heart, but I was referring my best friend. I never want to see you again.” Y/N states, emotionless. No one had ever seen Y/N like this. In fact no one had ever seen her mad as she was on this very day. The day she lost her best friend.

Y/N went to her room to quickly gather her belongings, stuffing them back in the bag. Her phone was ringing and she didnt hesitate to pick it up.

“Tom...” she answers, holding back her sobs.

Taglist:

@hollanddolanfangirl​ @ifilosemyselfagain @hevjadams @averyfosterthoughts​ @fangirl-with-a-mission @drishtisikarwar @eridanuswave​ @ifntelyinspirit​ @trumpettay @astridcommings @parkershoco @racewife2004 @sleepybesson

[msmarvelwrites]

The Winter Soldier - Part 15

Info: A Devastating car crash causes you to lose your memory and start over. The only thing left in the wreckage was the horrific nightmares which plagued your mind. If you knew what today would entail you would have just stayed in bed. But you didn’t and because of that, everything you knew was about to change.

Pairing: Bucky Barnes x reader

Warnings: swearing, gun violence. 

W/c: 2.9k

A/n: I’m double posting for @kalesrebellion​ because she called me out. So here you go babe. Also, I did an embarassing amount of research trying to come up with the basics for the serum. But I concluded that this is fiction and it doesnt really matter. But if you’re ur a science major and this doesnt make sense please dont come for me lol

There are moments in your life that define you. Moments you look back on after everything and wonder, if you had listened to your gut, maybe it would be different. This was one of those moments. Bucky’s world shattered around him as Natasha’s words rang through his comm. 

“We’ve been compromised, Buck. I’ve been hit. They got Y/n.” Her voice, broken and solemn. 

No. 

Dammit, NO.

This isn't how this was supposed to happen. This was an easy job. Only a few Hydra agents resided in this compound. The whole thing felt like a dream. One he was completely and utterly unprepared to handle. How could he let this happen. He should have been there. 

“Dammit. What's your location? I'm coming to you.” He shouted. His blood began to boil and he heard your heavy breathing on the other side. You were running. “Y/n, please come in. Please, doll. Where are you?” Bucky hated how broken he sounded. He knew the rest of the team could hear his begging, but he didnt care. He couldn't. He just needed to get to you. 

“You always were a fighter. Right till the bitter end.” A man’s muffled voice came through his comm. He didn't recognize it as anyone he knew, but there was something familiar about it. A distant memory he couldn't quite piece together. Before he could speak, your voice broke though, a small whisper shattering his heart and sending him into a blind rage. 

“Bucky” You breathed, choking on a cough. 

“Y/n. I’m coming to you, doll. Don't worry, I've got you. I’m going to get you out of this. Don't worry, I’m coming.” He pleaded, but was only met with static, and then finally silence. The rest of the team kept quiet, waiting for any kind of sign of life from you. When none came, Nat spoke up. 

“Guys, we gotta get out of here. They've set off a security alert, this place is going to blow in three minutes.” Her voice was now back to its usual tone, but Bucky knew better. She was scared, he could hear it.  “ There’s no sign of her out here. She’s just… gone.” He could hear that she was running now.

“Bucky, we gotta go.” Steve spoke from beside him. Bucky’s head snapped to his friend, eyes wide and body still frozen. 

“We can't leave. Not without her.” He all but begged. 

“You heard Natasha, she’s on her way.” He paused, “Nat, you got the files?” He spoke into his earpiece, motioning Bucky to follow him to the entrance they had come through. 

“Yeah, I have them. Thanks for asking by the way. I’m great, two more bullet holes in my gut, but yeah, files are more important.” She scoffed, causing Steve to roll his eyes.  “I’m headed to the entrance right now.”

“No, I’m not leaving without Y/n!” Bucky tried to pull away from Steve, but he was stronger. A fact he would never admit to the guy, his head was already big enough. 

“She’s not here Buck. They wouldn't blow the compound with her in it.” He persisted.

Sam’s voice interjected, “Jet’s fired up, you guys better get the fuck outta there. We have less than a minute.” 

Bucky and Steve ran through the dark hallways together until they almost slammed into Nat’s small frame. He gasped when she appeared in the hollow moonlight. Her face was contorted in pain, something he was all too familiar with. Guilt.

“I lost her. I’m so sorry, it was my job to-” She broke off into a sob. Bucky wanted to agree. Yell that if she was a better agent- a better person his girl would be coming home with them. But he couldn't... This was on him. He knew it was a bad idea to bring you on the mission. He deserved all the blame. 

“She’s not dead. Not yet anyways. But we will be if we don't get out of here.” Steve yelled over the alarms blaring in the hallway. 

Bucky and Nat both nodded, and followed Steve across the field. Before they could reach the jet, the warehouse behind them rumbled before letting out an earth shattering explosion, sending the two of them flying into the ground. Without hesitation, Bucky grabbed Natasha's hand and pulled her from the ground. He wrapped her arm around his shoulder and all but dragged her body onto the jet. 

“Vision’s been alerted we need medical. He’s been staying at a safe house in Munich. We can be there in thirty minutes.” Steve spoke urgently, rifling through the cabinets of the jet looking for the first aid kit. 

“Seriously guys, it's a flesh wound. I’m- Ah!” Nat screamed in pain as the jet hit a spout of turbulence. 

“Like you were saying.” Wanda smirked, placing her hands carefully on Nats' wound. Her hands glowed a deep red as she tried to relieve the pain. The spy’s face relaxed, but only for a moment before she was back to worried. 

“He’s alive, Buck.” Nat spoke, and when she did, he could hear the fear in her words. 

“Who?” Steve demanded, but Nat’s eyes stayed put on Bucky’s. 

“Tommy. She said his name in the hallway. It was him, Buck. He’s not dead. He’s the one that shot me, the one that took her.” Nat flinched in pain as Wanda's hands fell from her side. 

“That’s not possible.” Bucky shook his head. “Steve found my mission file. I killed him. I remembered it. You just don't walk away from that.” 

“Well, clearly you do.” Nat spoke sarcastically, pointing to the gushing holes in the body. 

“So Tommy’s alive? And he’s Hydra now?” Wanda asked, suddenly realising her hands were not on Nat’s wounds anymore. She placed them back silently apologising. 

“And he’s got Y/n.” Bucky added, his jaw clenched in anger. 

“We’ll get her back.” Steve spoke. He placed a hand on Bucky’s shoulder which he quickly shrugged off, pacing back and forth through the small aircraft. 

“I know we will. And i’m going to finish the fucking job and tear that prick in two.” He seethed, mostly to himself. 

He tried to focus on the task at hand. Desperately brainstorming how to get to you, but his mind was spirling. How could he just leave you? How could he have been so stupid? The sound of his name leaving your lips echoed around him, only fuling his growing rage. 

“All our tactical suits have hidden trackers in the sleeves. We will hear it go off, but until then we wait. They cant have gotten far.” Steve started as the jet began its descent. “We're almost at the safe house. We’ll track her from there. In the morning, we’ll head out.”

“Morning? That's too long. She could be-'' Bucky cut himself off, too broken at the thought to finish that sentence. “I’ll find her myself tonight.” He grumbled. 

“Oh no you don’t. We’re a team, Buck. We do this together. Vision will be able to enable her tracker. But we need to work together. We can't lose anybody else to impulse decisions.” Steve scolded. 

He knew his friend was right but it didn't make it any easier to agree. All Bucky wanted to go but get you back. Keep you safe and never let anyone touch you again. He tried to keep his distance before, he really did, but that was out the window now. There wasn't a chance in hell he was leaving your side after this. As for the man that ripped you from his grasp, oh boy… He tried not to make a habit out of fantasizing murder, mostly as it resulted in the Winter Soldier coming out of the shadows, but if that was the case with Tommy, so be it. Only when Bucky stood in a pile or carnage and gore and blood would he finally feel peace again...

“We're coming up on the safe house. Y'all ready to bail?” Sam's voice tore Bucky out of his thoughts, and thankfully so. He was sure it was leading to a very destructive path. 

“Buck, help us get Nat inside. Wanda and Sam - sweep the area, make sure no one has followed us. I’ll fill Vision in on what's happened and see if he can turn on Y/n’s tracker now.” Steve commanded as he hopped out of the jet. 

“Can you stand?” Bucky asked, dipping down to tuck Nats arm around his shoulder, helping her up. She nodded reluctantly, wincing in pain as she moved. 

The safe house was a small cabin in the middle nowhere. Munich was only a few minutes down the road but the thick coverage of trees that surrounded the cabin made it feel secluded and hard to be spotted from above.  If they weren't followed, no one would ever know they were here. 

Bucky helped Nat inside, letting Steve and Wanda take over once they were through the door. Before he could enter, he stopped, taking a moment to gaze upon the sun rising over the mountains. In a few hours, he’d be with you again. He just had to make it until then, and pray to whatever god would still have him, that you were alive. 

………………………………………………………………………………………………………

“Продолжай копать. Нам надо её найти.” Keep digging. We have to find it. The voice rang in your mind, waking you from the recurring nightmare. Visions of Tommy and that boyish smile that once brought so much happiness.. His voice, the way it used to say your name, now only causing you ache. 

“Wait, rewind there! Вернись. That’s it.” The voice spoke again, echoing around the room. You opened your eyes slowly, taking in your surroundings, but all you were met with was darkness. You could feel movement around you, but the blindfold tied around your eyes masked their faces. 

“I’m positive she told me what was in that serum.” His voice caused your heart to just about leap from your chest. You knew that voice anywhere. 

“You better be right. You're as good as dead to me otherwise.” Another man spoke. 

“No I’m sure. Wait! Right there. Replay that part.” Tommy asserted. 

Suddenly a headache burned through your temples, scorching the inside of your eyes. You screamed in pain as it coarsed though your body until an image appeared in your mind. It replayed over and over, making you dizzy. 

“Whatcha doing?” Tommy cooed, taking a seat on your desk. 

“Just trying to find the right components.” You spoke, not taking your eyes microscope as you examined the petri dish below. 

“Cummon, baby. You've been at this for hours. Come eat something.” You looked up, Tommy stood there with that big goofy smile you loved so much. 

“I’ve almost got it. Just a little longer.” You reassured him, rolling in your chair and picking up another sample and analysing it. 

“What exactly is, it?” he asked, emphasizing the word. 

“If I mix the steroid with-” 

Another shrieking jolt of pain seared through you as the memory disappeared, leaving you trembling. 

“Go back, we almost had it!” Someone yelled from beside you. 

You tried to scream, to beg them to stop, but it was no use. Before you could try again, the same horrible pain erupted through your body, ripping you back to the distant memory. 

“If I mix the steroid with human blood, it does as it's designed.  But taking into account the theory of nuclear transmutation, we can assume given the right element we can use the serum to absorb its surroundings, right?” You spoke, like it was common sense. 

“Sure…” Tommy chuckled. 

“So, strip down the original serum, add radiation to its compound, now it needs the ability to absorb energy… What element do we know has that power?” it wasn't a question, nor did you think Tommy would know the answer so you continued, “Water, and our bodies are basically made of that. So in turn, if we can create the original serum mixed with high levels of radiation, inject the person, granted you're not killed by that high levels of toxicity, we're looking at a new type of Super Soldier. One that could, in theory, mutate around the serum and absorb its surroundings!” You finally finished.

“I have no idea what any of that means… But it sounds cool. Now put the vile down, and eat something.” He laughed, grabbing the sample out of your hands and carefully placing it on the table next to you.

“Thats it!” Someone shouted. “Of course, why didn't we think of this. Call the commander, tell him we found it.” 

You felt your body twist in agony, but soon the memory left, leaving you back in the dark with disembodied voices echoing around you. 

“What do you want me to do with her?” a man asked. 

“I don't care. убить её?” Kill her? You froze at his words. Even if you could move, your hands were tied down to the chair. Gentally you wiggle your fingers, careful not to draw any attention to yourself. Not that you would be able to tell. The ring that Shuri had made you was still there. If you timed in right, and you still had Wanda’s borrowed power, you could use it to untie yourself and hopefully get the fuck out of this hell hole. 

“Kill her?” Tommy choked. “You didn't say anything about killin’ her?” 

“You should be thankful. The girl’s been sharing a bed with the same man who killed you once before. In fact, I’m so pleased with your work developing this memory decoder that I’ll give you the honour.” The man spoke, shuffling around the room. “Here, tell me when you're done having your fun.” A few heavy footsteps later, and you finally heard the door close. The silence was deafening, but eventually, Tommy let out a deep breath and took a step towards you, ripping your blind fold off. 

You squinted as you tried to acclimate your eyes to the lighting of the room. It was small and dark, but a few dim lights hung above you illuminating Tommy's features. Once upon a time you would have described them as strong and rugged. Now they seemed to loom over you, sending a shiver down your spine. 

“Are you okay?” He asked, softer than you expected. You quickly clocked the pistol in his left hand and tried to suppress a scoff. 

“Am I okay?” You gawked at him. “You just dug through my head like a sand pit. No- no I’m not okay you shit head!” You screamed. 

Tommy chuckled, using the gun to scratch the back of his neck. “Touché…” He spoke, pulling up a stool and plopping himself down on it infront of you. “I missed that attitude baby. Really, these past couple years have been hell without you. These guys are really scary, but I told em- I said, my girl will know what to do. And you did, baby. I never doubted you.” His voice was like honey. Thick and sickenly sweet. 

“What are you talking about?! I thought you were dead!? I mourned you, asshole. And you've been alive this whole time, working against me?” You couldn't believe how cavalier he was being about this. Tommy only shrugged, fuling the rage inside you. 

“Nah, it's not like that. I was dead, really I was. But then Hydra came and BOOM I was back. They promised me that they’d keep me safe, as long as I could help em get that serum you were always talkin’ bout. Said they wanted to give it time in your system, make sure it didn't kill ya.” He started, narrowing his eyes slowly, “You grieved me? That's a funny way of putting it. Cause from what I saw in that head of yours, you were pretty chummy with that Soldier.”  

You couldn't stifle the scoff that erupted in your mouth. “You're kidding right? Jesus, Tom. They brainwashed me. And I don't need to explain myself. You're sick, you know that?  How could you do this? Do you have any idea what they're going to use that serum for?” You fired the questions off like explosives into his chest, but he didn't even flinch. 

“I don't really care. They told me if I gave em’ your little recipe, they’d let me go.” He shrugged. 

“And so what? Now you're going to kill me?” 

“No… Maybe. I haven't really decided yet.” He looked down at the pistol like it was the first time he really noticed it was there. Contemplating your death like he was deciding between his morning coffee. 

“I would get going on that if I were you.” You lifted your hands, wiggling your wingers playfully “Really, Tommy, you're not cut out for this line of work.” You spat, jumping from your seat and landing a hard kick to his gut, sending him flying back. The gun ricocheted off the ground and hit the wall, but before he could react, you grabbed it. In one swift move you turned the safety off and placed your finger on the trigger. 

“Cummon baby, let's talk about this.” He raised his hands in surrender. “You wouldn't shoot me.” 

You cocked a brow, “You sound really confident in that statement. Especially for a boy who was debating my death a moment ago.” You argued. 

“Dont take it personally, baby. Anything you can do, I can do better. Remember?” You smirked. 

................................................................................................................................

A/n: Another Cliff hanger? Yes. Do I know how to wrote anything else? No... My bad lol. I hope your enjoyed this one as much as I did writing it! As always, @cutie1365​ is the bomb dot com for editing this for me. Tommy sucks, we both agree. I hope he gets whats coming to him... please leave some love and reblog if you read it! 

@kalesrebellion​

@projectcampbell​

@calwitch​

[luvskywalker]

prideful piloting- ch 3

warnings: gets a little.. risqué, some unwanted advances, language probably

word count: about 1.8k

series masterlist !!

a/n: hi!! sorry it’s been a bit, ive been putting this one off for a while! hope you enjoy, there’s more poe in the next chapter btw :)

you were preparing to leave on your mission extremely early in the morning, it was quite a simple task. you were assigned a trip to coruscant, formerly an imperial hotspot in the first galactic civil war, and now run by the first order. the black squadron was the only group on this mission in order for you all to lay low. the assignment was to gather intel on what the first order was currently scavenging the galaxy for, because it seemed to be of great importance. your target was a general shalzar and your squadron would enter the fancy club he was set to attend in order obtain as much intel as you could. you approached the unmarked ship you were to take to coruscant, inspecting the exterior of the simple silver ship. walking up to the entrance of the ship, your departure was interrupted by damerons droid. the beeping and whirring of bb-8 made you pause your movements and turn around to see what he was fussing about. you were met with not only the droid, but also it’s owner.

“dameron?” you questioned, surprise evident in your speech.

“just wanted to wish you good luck” he grabbed your hand and shook it, adding a small pat as encouragement. he seemed sincere and for once in his life, not outrageously irritating.

“thank you.” you found his touch to be overwhelming, but you didn’t know why. you quickly pulled your hand away from his, and nodded his way hoping he would take the queue and leave. he did.

you then entered the ship, (and tried not to dwell on the strange interaction you just had with dameron) making your way to the cockpit to start on your pre-flight checks.

you turned on your comlink before departing d’qar, checking in on the squadron. you were all to leave at separate times in order to remain inconspicuous.

“this is admiral (l/n), departing now.”

your squadron all responded with acknowledgment, so you continued.

“remember, the mission information and your temporary identification are all on your data pad. i’ll see you all at the rendezvous.”

“glad to have you back admiral.” was the comment that caught your attention.

“glad to be back” you responded with a smile before turning your comm back off.

you took off, abandoning the jungle planet and setting route for coruscant, giddy to be back in an x-wing.

eventually, the full black squadron made their way to the rendezvous point. you were all dressed in the best clothes the resistance budget would allow, an attempt to camouflage in the high profile club. you entered the room, quickly spotting the general you needed information out of. you discreetly pressed the com hidden in your earring.

“i’ve got eyes. if things go bad do not tell them you are resistance. if i get taken just let me go.”

you couldn’t allow anyone else to get captured. if they got you, they’d bring you to kylo ren, and you knew how to deal with him.

you received acknowledgment from the squadron, and you put your personal plan into motion, which was to seduce general shalazar. he wasn’t too slimy looking, quite young and if he weren’t first order you may think him attractive. you watched him discreetly, and knew that all you had to do was make yourself look willing. when he finally met your glance you did your best to capture his his attention. you smiled at him, bit your lip, and twirled your hair, before winking and quickly glancing away. flirty, but not too seductive, something you know a man like him would fall for. you saw the general dismiss the troopers around him before sauntering over to you in your peripheral vision.

“what’s such a lovely lady like you doing all alone in a place like this?” could the man be any more predictable? it was nearly infuriating but you knew you had to play along.

“hoping for someone like you to join her” you gave him your best smile, twirling your hair again.

“good thing i did then, let me buy you a drink.”

“only if you get one too” you faked bashfulness. you had to get some alcohol in him, enough to have him let his guard down even more than he already has.

“a fuzzy tantuan for the beautiful woman, and a glass of darkoma for me please.” the general smiled at you, and you returned it.

“thank you, can i have a name to match such a handsome face?” you needed to be sure it was the general, and you knew knowing his name would make it easier for you to coax information out of him.

“general julius shalazar, and what’s yours gorgeous?” ugh, how charming. suppressing an eye roll, you gave him your false identity.

“vienna pane. i’m honored to be in the presence of such an accomplished man, i hope i can help” you paused your sentence to run your hand down his arm, attempting your seduction now. “alleviate some of the stress of such a high ranking man.”

“i’m sure you can” he took a few sips of his drink before continuing “right now i’m so busy it may have to be within the hour, i depart from coruscant soon, sadly.”

you pouted your lips, before turning up your charms. “only an hour of fun?” you were almost disgusted with yourself, touching the scum in such ways, but you knew it was for the sake of the mission. you rested your hand on his thigh now, and spoke to him again. “i cant imagine anything else being more important than me and you having a good time tonight”

to your dismay, he returned the touch to your own thigh, but then you knew you got him. you pretended to fiddle with your necklace, turning on the recording device.

“try finding a map for luke skywalker.” you did your best to calm yourself. they’re looking for dad. you once again pretended to move the necklace as a nervous act, this time turning the recorder off. you masked your shock in more flirtation, even though you got what you wanted you needed a way to get out of there without giving the womp rat anything. you definitely didn’t want to kiss him, and anything more would be incredibly unwanted.

“you must be so busy” you feigned sympathy and ran the hand that was on his thigh up and down slowly. you laid eyes on pava and gave her a small nod to signal that you got what you needed, and she relayed that to the rest of the black squadron before exiting the club and preparing for her scheduled departure.

“how about a distraction, general” you pat his thigh a little and he agreed with you.

“that would be nice, vienna.” he almost made it too easy.

he led you to the booth he was at before in a more secluded area of the club. you were still able to spot a member of the squadron though, so someone has eyes on your location.

you didn’t want to be with the general, but you’d rather sit with him then take a blaster shot to the head and fail your mission. the general pulled you into his lap, and ran his hands up and down your side. you really wished he wouldn’t touch you, but you did nothing to stop it, knowing that although you didn’t like it you had to let him. you were trying to stall, attempting to play games with him instead and doing your best to avoid the unwanted touches. you were saved when the troopers came back, telling the general he needed to go. he, however, was persistent and insisted on giving you his info, in case he needed a distraction. you took it, continuing with your act, before briskly leaving the club. gross. you shivered, your skin was crawling and your stomach was churning in disgust, but also you felt proud of such a success. you turned on your comm and let the squadron know you got the info and everyone could depart the planet at their scheduled times.

you changed back into more casual wear, and when you departed coruscant you let yourself think of the new information gathered.

“try finding a map to luke skywalker”

your father had departed long ago, leaving you and the rest of his family after ben became kylo ren. he felt it as a failure, and he had told to you that the force showed him he needed to leave- leave you and his family. you were quite young, and you didn’t fully understand why he needed to go, but general organa seemed to and assured you that he was right, he couldn’t be here. you had trusted her, and deep deep down you felt the same feeling your aunt and father had, telling you that you needed to separate from your father. still, it hurt you deeply that your father had left, and now you knew you needed to find the map before the first order. your heart ached at the thought of kylo ren getting a hold of your dad, it was his fault your dad was gone. you exhaled deeply, trying not to get your hopes up as you made the jump to lightspeed, but your eyes welled up at the possibility of seeing your father again. returning to base, you thanked the black squadron for joining you and having your back before heading off to give the general and the rest of the superior officers the mission report. leia directed her gaze to you and spoke.

“admiral, stay after you give the report please.”

did she know already? is that why she sent me on this mission? it wasn’t necessarily a pilots mission, she could’ve had other officers go, but did she send you because she knew what you would find out? you felt a little betrayed; why would she make you retrieve information if she already knew it? you shrugged it off and nodded at her, before playing the recording for the officers in the briefing room. the information caused quite the buzz and you ended up staying extremely late, not only giving the mission report but discussing what this meant as a high ranking resistance officer. when the room finally calmed, general organa dismissed them and turned to you.

“how are you feeling, (y/n)” the care the older woman held in her voice brought you deep comfort, and you spilled your true feelings to her.

“hopeful, yet so afraid. what if they find him before we do, aunt leia? i know there’s still good in ben but i don’t think he can resist snoke.” she silently agreed, and you continued on. “i just miss him, i want my dad back.” your voice cracked in the end, and you felt a lump form in your throat. your aunt grabbed your hand gently before looking you in the eyes.

“we’re going to find him. i know we will. but first, you’re going to need some training.”

[maknaesdancersrappers]

july 21

hello. july 21 is a special day for me and you dont have to read this because its just me venting out my thoughts and emotions as long as i can without word/character limits on any platform.

july 21 is my maternal grandmother’s birthday. when i was born, my mom went abroad often and my dad had the regular 9 to 5 job plus extra hours for commute. so growing up with my sisters who are 5 and 7 years older, our grandparents and aunts took care of us.

im also more fond of my maternal grandmother since my paternal grandmother lived far away and we rarely ever get to see her (usually only during summers and once she stayed with us for awhile) until she passed away from Alzheimer's.

during the long hiatus i took early this year (late december to mid-march?), a lot has happened in my life. my health was put at risk because of the ash fall brought by the volcano eruption (january 12); i had allergies for weeks - i couldnt breathe properly, let alone sleep because of it. it was about to be the second year after graduating college and i have yet to get a job; the pressure from my family - and myself - was so unbearable that i caught myself slipping back to my very, very, very dark thoughts. and the worst thing that happened in those three months: my grandmother passed away. in filipino, grandmother is lola (loh-lah) and i’d like to use that for the rest of this post.

if you ask anyone in their neighborhood, any of our family friends, and relatives, everyone will tell you that her death was sudden. because everyone knows her as the sometimes-funny-sometimes-cranky old lady that owns the convenience store at the corner of the street. she was 96. she was 96 but she refused to get a wheelchair or use a walking stick even though her knees started to hurt after a few steps. she was 96 but didn’t need glasses to read most of the time. she was 96 but didn’t have any maintenance medication. ever since she reached her 90′s, she had gone to the town clinic at least twice because she fell over (from loss of balance) and busted her head. yet she would walk the next day like she doesnt have stitches on her scalp. she hated going to the doctor, she’d always claim that nothing hurts and the only thing she wanted the doctor to fix was her hearing (its as weak as how her eyesight is clear)

i wasnt the only one in the family that got severely affected by the ash fall. my lola also had trouble breathing because of it. she also went to the doctor for it and they only prescribed her antibiotics. please remember this info. this should be around early february

she got a little better but her voice was very hoarse from the phlegm. even before this, lola had little to no appetite and would only eat when someone else is eating (usually if it’s us, her granddaughters). and by little to no appetite, i mean her whole meal would be three spoonfuls of rice and one piece/chunk of whatever the main dish/ulam is. whenever we ask if she had eaten (even though we know she hadnt) she’d always claim that she already has (this eventually became a little joke in our family.) we took this sign as her dementia getting worse (although she was never really diagnosed with it, we had naturally assumed it because she would always repeatedly tell us stories that she insists happened even though some have been debunked and there were times she forgets our names if we havent visited in a while.)

after she gets better from the cough (idk the real diagnosis of it), her legs started to swell and because her routine had been reduced to being bedridden for most of the day, my aunts thought it was just poor circulation. it took two weeks before they brought her back to the town clinic and again, they just prescribed her with some medicine. everything after this is blurry to me until feb 21

my mom, being the eldest, made the decision to bring lola to the hospital. she’s, rightfully, unsatisfied with the town doctor’s diagnosis and prescriptions because lola is in so much pain and her legs were still swollen and its been weeks. i was with her in the emergency room while my mom and aunt did the paper work and the staff ran tests on lola. i’m contacting my sister who was in singapore and we’d video call to entertain lola since she was very adamant - and vocal - that she did not want to be admitted to the hospital bc she was “fine.” goSh she made so many hospital staff laugh because she would always announce whenever she had to fart. after like 2 hours, we move her into a ward and my mom tells me that i’ll have to stay overnight to watch over her. i was very apprehensive of this idea. i honestly did not want to. seeing her in pain was bad enough, but the fact we were in a room with other people and she was crying out loud made me really anxious but it was final. my mom, aunt, and uncle all went back home just to have dinner and they’ll come back since lola’s doctor would be coming by to give the results and for that hour they were gone? i lost it.

lola started talking/praying out loud, asking god why she was in so much pain, asking what she had done to deserve this; and i didn’t know what to do but hold her hand and kiss her head. i couldn’t even show her i was crying. when my mom got back, i told her i cant do it and she eventually convinced my other sister to join me, who cancelled her plans for the next day. that night, i did not and could not fall asleep. after a few hours, her doctor finally came by and dropped a bomb on us. he was kind enough to talk to my mom and aunt behind the curtains in the softest voice ever while i helped the nurse with lola, but i could hear him crystal clear.

cancer of the liver. 

they even momentarily walked back to lola to touch her stomach and stepped back out. i almost thought i misheard, but my mom and aunt’s expressions were too grim that it basically confirmed it. later on, my mom finally told me and explained that the antibiotics she had been taking weeks ago were too strong for her because of her lifestyle and diet. there were tumors in her liver and surgery wouldn’t do anything. i dont remember what i did aside from sketching on the journal i brought, but until i got home at 10am the next day, i did not sleep a wink.

feb 22. when i woke up at 2PM, i was told that they had lola discharged from the hospital. there was nothing we could do but try to ease the pain to the best of our abilities and wait. starting that day, i went over to lola’s house to help out with feeding her, giving her medicine, and just trying to keep her happy by randomly smiling at her when i see her looking around or dancing to no music.

feb 24. these were the early weeks of covid - ph hadn’t had a case yet, i believe, but travel restrictions were being implemented. my sister in singapore was doing everything to make sure she could come home because we don’t know when, but we know lola was leaving soon. of all the things our mom told her not to do, she cried at the entrance of the embassy and by the grace of god, someone took pity and listened to her (bc she was denied entry since she had a small cough) and she was able book a flight at midnight and be home in 4 hours. that afternoon, when i arrived at lola’s house, that was the very first time i stood at the doorway to greet her like i usually did and she didn’t smile. not even the corners of her lips moved. she was in that much pain that she couldn’t even greet me back like she always did, which was to smile and nod her head. that night, we all decided to sleepover there (with the exception of my dad since he had to feed our dogs at home). i take my usual seat in the living room and i notice a white dress that i remember (from photos) being lola’s 50th anniversary wedding gown and without being told, i know it was what she was going to wear for the very last time.

feb 25. being notoriously a late sleeper, i was about to go to sleep at 2AM when i hear lola groaning and whining out loud. when i checked her, her stubborn lil ass was trying to get out of bed alone!!! so i obviously panic and try to wake up anyone by exclaiming that lola had to go to the bathroom - she’s been wearing adult diapers for weeks now but refuses to go in them and is adamant about bringing her to the bathroom so she could relieve herself - so me, and the same aunt and uncle from the hospital, assisted her into this modified chair so she could pee and the only thing i could do was hold her hand, like always. after that, my uncle said he’d watch over her and lie down beside her on the bed so in case she needs to go again, he can take care of it himself. after falling asleep, i heard a few hours later that my sister from SG arrived. when i woke up later on, my sisters and i presented ourselves to lola bc its been so long since she last saw us complete, and this time she was able to give us a small nod of acknowledgement. i realized that none of my uncles and aunts went to work that day, thinking it was just so we could be complete since my sister was home. but then i overhear them making plans to have a priest come over for the sacrament of anointing of the sick - which based on my last and only experience (my grandfather/lolo), this must be the day. during the session, a few of my aunts and an uncle cried. my sisters cried, too, but i forced myself not to. when the priest left, i don’t know how long, but suddenly, she was gone. i didn’t know how to react. this was the second time i’ve seen someone pass away before my very eyes. everyone was crying out for forgiveness, kissing lola’s head, but i couldn’t move one bit. i was finally crying, but i couldn’t move at all.

3 days. from learning about the real problem with lola, it only took 3 days for it to take her away from us. not even a week, or a month. the only bright side to this was that she’s finally relieved of all the pain that’s been causing her suffering. 3 days of knowing her time was very, very short, but it was still a shock when she finally left. 

for the longest time, lola’s goal was to reach the age of 100 because apparently our government will reward her with 100,000 pesos (like 2k usd) for doing so. she wanted to reach 100 because she wanted to leave us with some inheritance haha. and everyone believed she could do it. no one doubted her. until this happened. maybe its just me, but i feel foolish... completely stupid and ignorant for knowing deep down in my heart that she would reach 100 that losing her 3 years prior her goal hurt me more than ever. 

it’s been 5 months but remembering her death still makes me cry. i have dreams (and you all know im a lucid dreamer) where she’s still alive and we’re talking about how she beat cancer at 96 in just a few months, but then i’ll remember that she didn’t and the dream in front of me just shatters and i’ll wake up empty and crying. i have never felt so much regret after she passed bc all she wanted was to see me graduate and it was up to me to show her that i got my first job and give her a portion of my first salary, but i couldn’t even do that. i waited too long and now its too late. her ideal type for me was a rich atenean boy who could drive 😂 and i still couldn’t give her that bc im so anti-men. there was a time i was so scared to go back to lola’s house bc she called me out during dinner - “baket ka malungkot/why are you sad?” - when all i was doing was browsing through my phone, scarily enough going through another “episode”, and the last person i’d ever want to know about my possible depression was her. of all my suicidal episodes, i’ve always resolved them by thinking of her - that i will continue living because i wanted to see her smile. because i wanted to see her happy.

i miss her so much. i wish i had been a better granddaughter to her. the small things i’ve done for her were never enough. in the past 5 months, i’ve only dreamt about her twice (actually being with her) and both times made the day so hard to function. i havent moved on and i dont know if im the only one. i dont know if i’ll ever move on. she would have been 97 today. whenever she forgets my name, i’ll tell her i have the same birthday as her and she’ll remember me. she’ll say “ahhh rosean! july 10!”

if someone read through this, im sorry you had to go through that mess. but thank you for hearing me out. no, i’ll thank you the way my lola would thank people, verbatim:

thank you very much from the bottom of my heart.

[cupcakecait17]

The saga of a 32 year old woman seemingly perpetually stuck in a loophole of uncertainty and mental breakdowns.  I Don’t Know What I’m Doing Here : Part One

I think the hardest thing about writing is the beginning. I remember in college hating writing essays. You’re introduction and 3 body paragraphs and a conclusion, pretty much making me say the same thing 3 different times in slightly different ways... and we wonder why women have a hard time communicating. Just try to listen to us the first time cause we get lost ourselves ok? So for this first installment on the “dromedy” ( drama & comedy ... did I do that right? fork it ) that is my life I will NOT be following a essay format but probably more of a ramble of the basics of my life. Cant throw you right into the wolves den of the present day, nay nay. First lets establish some rapport with the characters of this epic saga. Hopefully this can shed a small fraction of light into who I actually am so you can understand how I survived and ended up where I am. Strap in bitches, this aint The Magic School Bus! ( I will not object to Ms. Frizzle taking over the bus driving responsibilities if anyone has her contact info help a girl out. )

December 6th 1988. Twas a Tuesday in Nashua NH. I dont think it was snowing, I dont remember. Everything was as planned as it could be. A slender yet very pregnant  32 year old woman climbs into a car and waves at her dad as they drive down the street, him filming the entire ordeal from the second she woke up until much much later in the day when everyone was overjoyed and exhausted. She gets to the labor and delivery department at Nashua Memorial ready for the epidural and C-section she knew was coming because her baby was flipped around and making things complicate. Even before that small person took its first breath of worldly air, it was already showing its defiance at doing things the “right way”. The room was all ready to go and the doctor was too. At 1:11pm she gave birth to what everyone believed was going to be a happy healthy perfect little boy, but nay nay. While the doctor shouted to the hazey doped up woman “We have a boy!!” his wife who was a nurse immediately chimed in “NOPE! It’s a girl!!”. And to everyone surprise, I was born. My mom had picked out the name Jackson for me since literally everyone thought she was having a boy. Back in the 80s you didn't do ultrasounds at the obgyn unless they believed something was wrong. So there was no gender reveal until the child reviled it. Took my mother DAYS to figure out my name. Once she finally did, I think 6 or 7 other Caitlins were born in that hospital that same week. Never met a one of em. 

So here I am, all fresh to the world. I don't know the joys or heartaches that I'm about to face, no one does. All they can think about is how amazing I am in that moment. And Im sure I was. I know that feeling of love. That feeling of wanting them to have the best, everything you didn't but in all the best ways, and protect them from the things you have had that you know one day they will have to face too. Here’s the thing about the human condition, we are selfish even in ways we dont see and aren't meant to harm anyone. We want to bring a child into this state of being not knowing what that child might have to deal with once they accept they are someone on this earth that will have to create their world for themselves one day. Its not the parents fault, nor the childs. There are countless numbers of people who feel as if they simply hadn't been born, certain suffering would never have happened, and that it can be next to impossible to find a light in that void, no matter how much they want it or how hard they try. That fresh, new face will only last for so long. Those gray blind eyes will soon heighten their pigment and clarity to the comings and goings that happen around them. The feeling of safety and security in who you are because you have your parents to guide you becomes fleeting once you start to discover who you REALLY are. Some enjoy the process, some do not. Some need help while others do the helping. Everyone's path is unique and solely their own. Just because it works for you don't mean it would work for him, or her, or your doggo, whatever. And that's ok.

And then there’s some of us, like me, who is a giant proverbial moose who doesn't know how to walk yet none the less stand up straight, looking at life through what feels like a fisheye lens, with a broken mute button to the annoying cunt in your head who’s either lying to you or is 100000% correct and you refuse to listen, all while sitting alone in our rooms saying to ourselves -

I don't know what I'm doing here.

**i want to say this before i go - this is not for you, its for me. at times it will sound selfish and like im whining and i probably am, and thats ok. i need this outlet. throughout this im hoping to discover and see things in myself i can work on and things i should be prouder of, this is not a pity party. and even if it was, who gives a hoot.. i dont expect anyone to stumble across this but if you dont and you having the compelling urge to say something to me, in any negative way, please dont. words are the most powerful thing we have as humans. it can tear things down to nothing or it can build and create something beautiful. please just be kind to one another, the worlds kinda shitty right now**