#but idk man idk if i've burnt myself out or if it's just the Depression rearing it's nasty head again or w h a t

[byanyan]

still not doing so hot mentally tbh BUT those headcanon asks did help me put together the energy to do some writing today, so. thank u sm again to everyone who sent them ♡♡♡

[vvitchgrindergeneral]

Honestly, even after attempting to hype myself up for the past 2 weeks to snap myself out of my funk I'm not even feeling excited for Heavy Hell this weekend anymore. I'm so tired and exhausted and burnt out and depressed and dysphoric and also I'm fat and ugly and gross looking and none of my outfit ideas fit or look cute on me anymore so like what's the fucking point of going if I'm just going to look like a dogshit man and be surrounded by hotter people and feel like shit too. I've been working so much just to pay rent and be able to do some nice things occasionally but my body is failing me and degrading before my eyes and my health is suffering and I'm constantly stressed and anxious and sad and I have no fucking friends so I can't even enjoy fun things. I'm fucking losing it. 6 months ago I told myself I was probably going to just end it all after mid September because if things weren't better by then then they probably never will be and I would be ok with that and accept it because at least I woukd have waited this long to do this one thing and go out with a bang. And like. I dunno. Maybe. Idk.

[muttfangs]

walking on my way to work this morning felt like idk I can feel the cyclical futility sinking in and I'm trying to like. give myself space and time bc I know it'll probably take another full week for me to feel 100% myself again from the meds, I was pretty severely sick and I think I did my usual old man like. downplay of just how fucked up I actually was from this so I can feel "strong" and not helpless

i'm so deeply exhausted and depressed from the struggle tho fr. im tired. my entire life has been an overwhelming, violent fight for stability and there isn't any relief in sight. therapy does nothing. I know who I am, what i want, where I want to be and what I need to not feel like I want to end myself. but I'm literally stuck in constant limbo because I'm poor, and I do not have a choice but to keep destroying myself at jobs that exploit the fuck out of me so I can live in squalor and feel miserable and have no social life bc by the time I get home I'm so burnt I cant even speak.

going back to school feels so far away. this is going to take me another year, maybe two, to even get back into school. at least three or four to finish school. and the idea of having to put up with being this miserable for that long makes me feel like I'm going to scream and explode into a shower of blood and viscera.

this shit is bad enough on its own, but being brainweird and chronically ill / in pain on top of this is just making my life so much harder and it feels so much more inescapable. I don't know. everything feels super, super awful. I'm trying to hang in there but I feel like I've been white-knuckle gripping what shreds of a life I have for the past decade. and my muscles are shaking and weak and I can't hold on forever.

idk. I don't really need like a reply, I'm just. I wish I had answers. I wish I could feel better. I want solutions so I don't feel the drudgery and I want to live, at least a little

[angst-in-space]

november '24 writing progress

words written: 1.7k

most words written in a day: 593

least words written in a day: 0

yearly total: 128k

projects worked on:

ya sci-fi book edits

sylvix week fic

works published in november:

none

november goals:

HAVE FUN IN JAPAN 🇯🇵

more ya sci-fi book edits, maybe send out to friends

finish draft of sylvix week fic

work on / plan other fics if i have time (i probably won’t)

december goals:

finish/post sylvix week fic!!!

ya sci-fi book edits... send book to friends?

maybe work on other fics if i have time

notes:

oof oh boy. that's the least amount of writing i've done in like... idk, as long as i can remember lol. to be fair, i was in japan for about half the month (which was AMAZINGGG!!!), and then when i came back i was recovering from my trip + suffering from seasonal depression and jet lag and feeling hopeless about the world thanks to the election results. and, well, other things have happened that have really made me lose steam, especially when it comes to working on my book. although, i did at least do a little bit of book editing, plus have almost finished a chapter of the sylvix week fic.

i think i once again need to be gentle with myself this month since it will be busy what with my friend visiting me for a week, and the holidays and everything. but also that i have just been super burnt out and feeling really hopeless about my book (which is a great way to feel after spending three and a half whole years on it... yay!!) so yeah just. i don't know man.

number one priority is finishing my sylvix week fic and posting that. the event starts a week from today (dec 9th) andddd i have written maybe 1/4 of my fic so uhhhh *sweats* we'll see about that i guess. i'm not sure if the whole thing will be done in time but i hope to at least post SOME of it this month.

if i have the motivation at all, i do want to try and do a bit more editing of my ya sci-fi book and maybe let some friends read it. think i just need some reassurance that it doesn't completely suck loll.

otherwise i don't have many plans because i know my writing time will be limited. might go back to a few of my neglected fic wips if i have time (haha. ha) but i'm not really counting on that.

but yeah happy december everyone and hope you all have a fun and safe holiday season!!!

[skitskatdacat63]

Back in my monthly depression era ig but. Thinking about social media and art, and how their relationship has fucked with me. I'm glad I started drawing fanart and I don't regret it. And I think I've really improved my skill this past half year plus. But man it gives me such a terrible complex. That paranoia of "who even would give a shit about this" and "when will people be done with me."

I think any artist always craves some recognition and praise no matter how much you say you draw for yourself. You can draw for yourself but it's still extremely gratifying and inspiring to have people's approval or thoughts on it.I used to draw for myself more and draw so much random art, but I discussed it a lot with friends and it made it more gratifying, to have that interest. And I lost that kinda, a lot. I feel like for a bit btwn losing that and drawing fanart, I can't really remember, I didn't draw as much bcs it just felt a bit unrewarded and it felt bleh.

And then I started drawing fanart. Which felt very rewarding. I'm happy I've not ever really felt the desire to make widely "appealing" art. If you look at even the first things I posted, it's extremely niche, and that's been a lot of fun! But it's also just made me so paranoid and self conscious. What if people get tired of this. What if people find it strange. What if people find it annoying. What if I'm being repetitive. Etc. It's really irritating bcs I KNOW people have told me they find my stuff interesting and that they like it. But my brain can't help but think, what is the expiration date on this, when will it become boring. I discuss my art with people and it's fun, but that self consciousness clings to me like a parasite. Like ah I better hurry this up and enjoy it while I can before they get annoyed and tired of it.

I guess this is all to say, I don't always like my relationship with art, and I hate the way social media messes with your brain. I remember for a bit I would post my art on Instagram and do the whole hashtag game. And then realized it was messing with my relationship with art so I dropped it. And then did the same thing with Twitter, than dropped it, etc. I just hate how I can't let myself enjoy anything. Idk maybe I'm just burnt out or something, but whenever I think of drawing lately, there's just this voice being like "what's the point of even drawing this, why would anyone care." I hate you evil voice in my brain!!!! It's not even a thing about notes, and I feel greedy even simply admitting any of this. I think it's more of a craving of a deeper connection and discussion. Which is what I always seek when I create art. But social media makes you think about numbers and attention and makes it unhealthy and makes you feel guilty for wanting something that's pretty reasonable.

Blah blah blah anyways don't reply to this like, oh you need to fix your relationship w art by taking a break from socmed! It's just this continual cycle and maybe one day I'll break it. But sometimes it just hits harder some days. I just want to stop feeling cringe. I hate it cause internally I'm like "I am cringe but I am free" but that only has to do with actually creating the stuff. Posting about it is the trap I think. Again though, it's natural to crave discussion and approval, but putting myself out there makes me want to curl up in a ball. I miss the days when I was younger and creating all kinds of random art and forcing it upon people with absolutely no shame. But now it's like. I toss my art into the room and shut the door and hide behind it with bated breath. And it often feels like any conversation I have just sates me for a tiny bit and then I go back to feeling empty. Is it ungrateful? Or is it just natural to want to keep having and partaking in a good thing?

Someone sent me advice on this feeling at some point, about how its better to talk to people individually rather than just on main. And I agree! I had a lot of fun the last third of last year. And for some reason it's just felt different ever since the new year began. I just don't know how to recover, and to start having fun like that again. I've drawn a lot of things I've immensely enjoyed since the year began, but for some reason, which I can't really parse, have had way worse self loathing and insecurity about it all. I just wanna recover my joy back :( is that too much to ask

Tldr; yay art improvement! Complex ideas! Much discussion! However: nay! Makes me feel cringe! Makes me feel like I'm running on limited time! Makes me crave too much!