#but i’m basically all self taught. i haven’t had any music lessons since i played violin in hs

[princehatterene]

i wanna learn how to play the drums so bad…..

[meichenxi]

*rant commencing*

ok guys let’s sit down and have a think about the way we talk to kids, particularly neurodivergent ones, and the weight it carries

the other day, I opened up to a friend about something really hurtful my best (and only) friend said to me when I was fifteen. It was a moment of emotional intimacy and the first time I had brought it up seven years later and, once again, I got laughed at and told I was too fucking sensitive

and ok maybe yeah I was a ridiculous child. I’m a ridiculous adult, that shouldn’t be surprising. But this hurt and hurt and hurt and I was trying to think about why this in particular and not anything else was so painful

so here’s the situation. at fifteen, like many smart kids, everyone thought the world was open to me. Ok I had no social skills to speak of and was ostracised by teachers and students and family, but I was an optimistic kid, and in a disaster of a home situation (involving kidnappings and court cases and running away and being out of school for a year and a brother starting drugs at 12 and living in a shelter and basically just a LOT) I was always the smiley helpful one. and apart from being defeated by very simple mechanisms like idk drawers or biscuit packets, I picked things up quickly. I took GCSEs early and extra and tutored others; I was a regional competitive swimmer in breaststroke and open water; I taught myself the flute and got into an international touring youth orchestra without lessons; I won a poetry competition for adults in primary school; I played competitive netball and was a long distance runner; I drew and sold my art; I wrote shitty novels and started making conlangs and was interviewed on bbc world about it; I loved performing and was invited to join a theatre company when I left school; and my biggest passion in the entire world apart from Tolkien was martial arts. And the best thing was for my parents - one of whom was disabled and didn’t work and the other who was a cleaner - is that I worked two paper rounds and tutored younger children and earned all of the money for it myself. blah blah blah. I was your mum’s friend’s kid. 

well, I’m a disaster adult, so you can probably guess that none of that lasted for very long. and there are gazillions of people here with exactly the same story. 

the point in question, though, was when I was fifteen and thinking about sixth form (the last two years of school in the UK) it was becoming clear alarmingly fast that you weren’t allowed to just keep doing everything you loved. at some point you had to make a choice. 

but how could I give up swimming for music? Or music for languages? Or languages for athletics? Or athletics for theatre? or, actually, all of them but one???? how did people just know what they had to do with their lives? how did they choose? 

the problem was, I said to my friend, I know I could do well at any of them, so how was I supposed to choose? (tactless and a stupid thing to say and also just not true but I was fifteen and simultaneously disgustingly cocky and cripplingly insecure) And he laughed and said, well, fuck you then. 

oh noooo. poor meeeeeee. I’m so fucking good at things what do I dooooo

I haven’t stopped thinking about that comment for seven years. Every single time I think about wasting my potential, every time I can’t sleep because I’m terrified that I’m not being productive or useful and hating myself because I’m upset that I can’t do something right away and I know it’s a stupid thing to be upset about - I think about that comment. I’m lucky. It’s alright for some. 

because, actually, being expected to know what to do with your life aged 15 is a fucking terrifying thing. we were kids at fifteen being told to make decisions as if we had all the facts, as if we weren’t also being blindfolded and spun around in circles until we couldn’t stand. Do you do what your parents say? what you think you want to do? what your teachers say? do you just stay in education even though it’s not for you because your dream is stupid, or because you don’t have a dream like everyone else seems to? are you supposed to have a dream?

*it’s NOT a stupid thing to worry about*

particularly when? well, when your entire self worth equates to the things that you output, the things that you do. so just for a moment, put yourself in the shoes of all of these wonderful, dazzling, damaged, crazy kids with big dreams and big hearts, kids that are struggling right now and kids that are our future, and imagine that you’ve been told since you were old enough to read or speak or walk that you’re just so very clever

isn’t it just wonderful how clever you are? isn’t it just great how we never need to worry about you? you’re such an easy child, it’s a blessing. always so considerate, so thoughtful, never making a fuss! isn’t it just fantastic how well you do in school? I can’t imagine what it must be like to have a child who went to all of those nasty parties. you’re so dedicated

raise your hand if you were only ever told you were good. raise your hand if you were never told you were kind. 

so, what happens? you take a child, and you tell them for its entire childhood that they’re clever. You don’t tell them that they’re creative, or hard-working, or dedicated, or driven, or helpful. You let them know that it’s ok that they’re weird, because they’re going to be successful. what do you think parents say to their kid who’s crying because she has no friends and she doesn’t understand what the other children are thinking and why they would hurt each other like that? even good parents, the very best of them, say things like: you’re just more mature than they are. it doesn’t matter. keep your head down - you’ll show them. 

your child, in the best case scenario, has access to her hyperfixation that makes the world big and bright and beautiful. she’s a bit weird, but it’s kind of cute. anyway, she’s good at it. and as long as she succeeds, conventionally, and you get to brag, then it’s ok that she’s a little bit unconventional.

and then things to break, just a little. and then, aged eleven, your child is having an asthma attack in the classroom because she got so anxious she couldn’t answer a maths question she couldn’t breathe. it’s ok, her parents tell her the next day. you’re just not good at maths - that’s alright. you don’t have to be good at everything

your child, because she’s perceptive, begins to realise that things don’t get better as you get older. people are just as cruel at 12 as they are at 7, and they’ll be just as cruel at 15. and then one day, as a bad joke because she doesn’t really understand humour, she writes a fake text to her dad from someone’s phone in legalese that actually has a secret code hidden it in that she knows her dad will crack right away because he’s brilliant. she thinks it’s hilarious. her father thinks he is being threatened, and spends the next week in meltdown, bedridden and burnt-out. and when she owns up, he turns and snaps at her, and says as if you could write something like that. an ADULT wrote this, not a fucking child

and suddenly, that cleverness they kept talking about? they don’t even understand that. 

suddenly, no one sees her at all. 

she needs to learn to be like the other kids. to be like a fucking child. and while she’s learning, she doesn’t speak for a year

that happened to me, but take your pick - I’m sure you don’t have to look far to find examples of your own. 

My point is this: if you tell a child for their entire life that the only thing that is worthy of being loved is what they achieve, if every time they do something they love you tell them oh, you could be a famous writer! you’re so talented! rather than saying that you loved listening to their story, if you only praise them when they’re good and quiet and convenient and tell them that as long as they succeed, it doesn’t matter if they don’t have friends or if they’re miserable, and THEN you tell them to choose ONE THING and drop 90% of everything that makes them who they are - 

what the hell did you THINK was going to happen??

because here’s the first thing. for many kids, whether that’s because of neurodivergence or age maturity or whatever, hyper fixations and hobbies aren’t just things they like to do. THEY ARE LIFELINES. they’re the things these kids go to when they’re hurt, angry, upset, because they make sense. for many kids, especially but not always girls, they are able to camouflage themselves and mask tendencies of neurodivergence because they’re ‘good students’. at a family gathering once, my mum, so frustrated at my inability and lack of desire to talk to any members of my extended family, snatched my German grammar book and locked it in the boot of the car. knowing that I escape and read it in the toilet was the only thing keeping me going, exhausted and stressed and overwhelmed. I vomited on the grass.

and here’s the second thing. you tell us from an early age that they only way we’ll ever be acceptable to the rest of society is if we succeed. autistic kids are fine, as long as they’re international maths olympiad champions. adhd kids are fine, as long as they’re famous athletes. if you’re obsessed with musicals that’s ok, as long as that obsession leads to a well-paying job as a successful writer on Broadway. 

and then you tell us that we only have one chance at that success? and this decision determines the rest of our lives? and that we had so much potential when we were kids, and we better not waste it now? that not everyone is so lucky to be able to choose between so many things?? 

because being asked to choose between these things isn’t being asked to choose a hobby. when the only way anyone else defines you positively is by your success in one area, that becomes your entire identity. 

so no, we’re not being too sensitive when you ask us to pick and choose what career, or what hobby to take forward. you’re not asking about hobbies. you’re asking us to choose what kind of person we want to be. you’re asking us to choose the most impactful way we can give back to the world, because we can’t waste those god-given talents. you’re asking us to figure out, still a child and hopelessly lost, what our purpose on this planet is. and you’re looking at us as if the ways that we survived all of these years, the things we clung to for comfort, are things we can just cast aside without further thought

ask me now, and I’ll tell you that’s not the way things work. we have second chances and third ones and tenth ones, we can be different things to different people and we can do different things at different parts in our lives, and be successful in different areas. life isn’t a fucking flowchart. and I’m still trying to come to terms with all the things I could have been, and my freak-outs about ‘wasted potential’ are so clockwork I could plan my calendar around them, but I’m beginning to understand that life doesn’t end when you’re twenty, or when you haven’t written a best-seller by eighteen. you have time.   

but at fifteen? at fifteen, that question broke me. 

do you know what you can do instead? you can show a little thoughtfulness. you can be kinder, and lead by example, and praise your kids when they’re kind too. when your son runs to you and shows you what you think is a better picture than you - a stick figure artisan, if you say so yourself - could ever create, you can actually just say you really like it. you can ask him if that’s him and daddy and the dog on a cloud. describe the picture back to him, and engage with this thing he’s made from his imagination - tell him the clouds he’s drawn are so big and fluffy and white, and ask if there are giant spiders living there. you know how to shut a child up? tell them yes dear, it’s wonderful. don’t be that person. promote your kid’s creativity - ask questions, have fun, play with this thing they’ve made - and not destroy it

when your daughter comes to you and shows you a song she’s written, don’t tell her she’s so talented or that she could be a musician one day. just sing along. ask her why she wrote it, and what she was thinking of when she did. ask her if she could make it different for two people singing it at the same time. 

and if your child just really, really loves maths? let them do maths. it’s ok if their interests are stereotypical - as long as they love it and it’s fun, supporting them is wonderful. the best present my father ever got me was five hours of tutoring - an introduction to linguistics!! - when I turned twelve, starting on my birthday at 8am. I had never felt so understood and so loved. 

as much as these simple things can destroy someone’s life, can stop them talking for a year, you have the chance to be that one voice of kindness that is a friend where a young person needs it most. 

for me, this was the Bus Lady. I never knew her first name because I forgot immediately and was too embarrassed to ask again, but we got the bus together for two years right before I applied to university - she was a trainee teacher at my school. she saw that I missed tutor group and sat in the corridor every morning writing, and that I ran laps for an hour every lunchtime instead of sitting alone. but she came and sat with me one morning and asked what I was doing; I was developing a new shorthand and told her so warily. 

she didn’t raise her eyebrows or say wow, that’s...that’s amazing. instead she frowned and looked at me skeptically and said ‘But why would you do that? There are plenty of functional shorthands out there - what does your shorthand have that they don’t? Tell me about it.’

I had no idea what to say

this was the first time anyone had actually ENGAGED in any capacity with what I was doing. and just like that, just by treating me seriously and asking valid questions and pointing out inconsistencies, I was a person who happened to have an idea that was in some serious need of questioning, and not a freak

there’s no way she remembers that interaction; she’s been a teacher now for year and probably doesn’t even remember who I am. But I had been this close to not going to university, to not bothering, and she made me stop, and wait a moment

she will never know the difference that that conversation and two months of kindness on the bus from a stranger made in my life. 

so let’s be kind to each other, please. let’s be forgiving. let’s challenge each other and let’s engage with kids with special interests and listen to them talk. and so to any educators or teachers or parents or even other kids, I want to say - let’s treat our words seriously and with respect, like we treat our children, because they have immense capacity to hurt, because they can be used for good. 

to any other fifteen year olds in a similar position, I just want to say: none of us here on tumblr have properly sorted our lives out, but I promise you it does get so much better.

you’re not too sensitive. you’re not a freak. you’re not only acceptable because you succeed. I know if you’re masking you feel you have to and it’s for survival, and I’m sorry, because you shouldn’t have to. and you should never, never have to think that you ‘have it good’ or that you’re lucky and are not allowed to hurt. there’s always some one who has it worse, and you can’t stop beat yourself up about that. fuck anyone who tells you otherwise. if you have gone through trauma, if you have unhealthy coping mechanisms, if you are depressed or anxious or otherwise mentally ill and some of it stems from this, I am so very very sorry. but you will be ok, even if you can’t write for a couple of years, or even if things change. you’ll get there. speaking as someone who is now writing for the first time in six years, drawing for the first time in longer, it’s scary and new and weird, but you will come out the other side. 

and you do work hard. and you are creative. and you are loved. and you are so very, very kind.

*rant over*

[ramblings-of-a-mad-cat]

You say the story of Rescue Team frustrates you? How come?

Rant ahead. Rant ahead about a game I unironically love, but I spend far too much time overthinking the plot of, hence my grievances.

Maybe I just held it to unfair standards on account of playing it for the first time after Explorers of Sky. Which is easily the greatest pokemon game ever made, accept no substitutes. Nah, Rescue Team DX is addicting, the music is incredible as always in these games, and the gameplay has been massively overhauled and made far superior to the original, which while fun, was pretty buggy. And the game does have some pretty cool characters, too. Like...whatever I may yell to the heavens about Albus Dumbledore from HP, make no mistake that he’s an exceptional and three-dimensional character. Same goes for Snape. And that applies to this game as well. 

The main reason this game’s story irritates me comes down to Gengar and Alakazam. Again, they’re very well written characters...but I hate them. I despise both of them. I don’t know what it is, but Alakazam rubbed me the wrong way right from the start. Him and his whole team are so self-important, so arrogant. They condescend the MC and act like they’re the ruling body of the town square. Alakazam goes around telling people that he knows everything. That’s a god complex if you ask me. At several points, the characters make decisions based on the assumption that he is stronger than the MC, which you as a player never get to challenge. (Think of Leon from Sword/Shield, but a million times worse.) The Partner character is so in awe of them, so enamored by them. Yet behind MC’s back, Alakazam knows (or suspects) them to be the human of legend and doesn’t tell them “for their sake.” Which gives me strong Nozomi (SMT IV: Apocalypse) vibes, since later on he ignores all responsibility for having been "complicit" with the MC's secret. 

The Fugitive Arc doesn't make any damn sense. First of all, Xatu claims that the disasters, all of the trouble, are being caused by the Human from the Ninetales Legend. Ninetales later debunks this. When I first played this game, I legitimately thought Xatu would wind up being some kind of secret villain, that he had lied, and that the Fugitive Arc was all started by him. This doesn't wind up being true, and we never get an answer for why he thought the Human of Legend was responsible for the state of affairs, nor did anyone question his being wrong or acknowledge his role in all this. But the one who really started everything was Gengar. He doesn't really annoy me until the Post-Game (I'll get to that) but everyone else's reactions to Gengar's story bother me. He is a known liar, a known trouble-maker who no one likes. It's well known that he has a vendetta against the MC. He has no proof whatsoever of his allegations. And everyone just buys it, despite MC now having a great reputation, because...I guess MC didn't actively deny it? Which the player was given no agency in? And it doesn't stop the accusation from being ridiculous? 

Enter Alakazam. Apparently, everyone held a town meeting that must have taken all of ten seconds, to decide what to do about MC. They held this meeting without MC or the Partner present, because having them there would make too much sense I guess. Team A.C.T. prepares to...I guess kill MC? As well as the Partner, even though they're completely innocent. Before Alakazam hesitates and decides to give the MC a day to run away. Hold on, if he is so convinced that MC has to die to save the world, how do he justify letting them go? I guess the same way he justifies how he "knew" MC was the human of legend this whole time and said nothing about it? He bids MC to run, and throughout the entire Fugitive Arc, his team is the looming threat. Which was quite frustrating for me, already a Diamond Rank and probably higher leveled than Team A.C.T, because I would have been happy to settle things with Alakazam right then and there. It is beyond frustrating that the story denies me this chance. Not to mention, half of the town shows up to say goodbye when MC and the Partner take off. Like...okay, at least half of the town believes in MC. How in the hell is this even happening? Why do we have to flee when so many characters are on our side? When there's no proof? Why is Alakazam's word just considered law? If he “knows everything” how come he doesn’t know that Gengar is human as well, if he could sense MC’s humanity? 

You don't know how badly I wish there was a fight with Team A.C.T. when all was said and done. And the game could have done it, too! Just have it take place at the top of the Mt. Freeze, before Ninetales shows up. They have a skirmish that takes place in a cutscene, but even in the remake - there's no boss battle. Why not? It's not like this dungeon has a boss battle otherwise. Wouldn't it have been a fitting conclusion to this arc? Maybe I'm biased, maybe I just think it would have been cathartic to kick Alakazam's ass, to make him put his money where his mouth is...because again, the arrogance. He demands Ninetales tell him what happened, and that "depending on your answer, I may be forced to eliminate MC" Ah, slow your roll there, buddy. Ninetales already broke up the fight and made it clear that it's not going to happen. You're a guest in their domain. On top of that, Team A.C.T. basically forbids you from going to Magma Cavern to challenge Groudon. As if you haven't just proven yourself capable of braving dangerous dungeons. As if, after they chased you halfway around the world and were proven completely wrong, they have any right to talk down to you or tell you what to do. Again, I so, so wish we could have fought them and taught them a lesson. 

In general, this is a consistent thing with the other characters, following the Fugitive Arc. Everyone focuses on how happy MC and the Partner must be to have their names cleared, (Again, the Partner was accused of nothing. Like, literally nothing.) and no one stops to address that everyone in the Town Square should be falling to their knees and begging our forgiveness for what they put us through. Several of them tried to kill us. Upon returning to the Town Square, Gengar acts like MC is turning them-self in because they don't have any proof, even though he never had any proof to begin with, and it's only after MC is "cleared" by Team A.C.T. that everyone remembers that Gengar is untrustworthy. Reading the words "under the watchful eye of Alakazam" has always made me extremely salty. I don't have much to say about the Mankey brothers but they irritated me as well. Maybe I was just out of patience after the Fugitive Arc but I found myself wondering why we appeased them at all. Initially, we give them the chestnuts because they attack us if we don't. No matter how many times we beat them, they keep attacking if they're told no. I realize it's a staple in Pokemon games to have false yes/no choices, but those are especially noticeable in the games that focus on story. And sometimes the excuses are just pathetic. Meanwhile, the other pokemon continue to treat you as rookies, as kids. You are once again "forbidden" by...um, the other townsfolk, from going on the Rescue Mission until you talk them into it. It's like...guys. You put us through hell. We could have died a dozen times over, because you bought into the mob mentality for no good reason. How does everything just go back to normal after that? 

I don't mind Gengar at first. He's a villain, and a well-written one. He's got a clear personality and there's hidden depth in there as well. He's one of my favorite characters in the game, easily. And all of the stuff he does in the main story? Stealing the mail, manipulating Caterpie, and the stuff during the Fugitive Arc? That weird psychedelic sequence where he's dragging MC down to hell at the end? (Or whatever that was?) All fine by me. He's a villain. He's doing bad things. But sweet Arceus is Gengar annoying in the Post-Game. I wonder if this must be how Merula Snyde Antis feel, over in the HPHM Fandom. Because the MC has absolutely no motivation or reason to help him out. He just demands that they act as his bodyguard, offers nothing in return, and won't leave you alone until you say yes. Buddy, my team has like thirty pokemon at this point and they're all hanging out in the Friend Areas a few feet away. You think you can intimidate me? The only reason I'm helping is to progress the storyline. And throughout this entire storyline, you have to help Gengar even though he hasn't earned it. 

He does not deserve forgiveness, or a reconciliation with Gardevoir. What if I don't want to help him because I don't think Gardevoir would want to see him? What if I think that it would do her no good to see him? He's unrepentant and awful, the story does the bare minimum to suggest that he's changed. Now I will admit one thing: I love the moment that Ninetales first appears, sees Gengar, and simply goes "...What do you want." Like. Like that was the moment that I put it together, before he went on to tell the rest of the story. I love simple moments that make the big reveal crystal clear without needing to directly tell or show the audience. I've always dug that. But everything that happens after that is frustrating. Gengar demands the curse be lifted, despite having no justification to offer Ninetales. He threatens to attack them, but then clarifies that MC will be the one doing the fighting. Excuse me? Why would I ever do that? MC just found out the truth about Gengar, what he did to Gardevoir, and then how he pinned it all on them during the fugitive arc. Gengar, why would I attack Ninetales after this, instead of attacking you? Tell me I don't initiate battle against you right now? Thankfully MC doesn't have to actually fight Ninetales, but they are still forced to testify at Gengar's "trial" and it's a forgone conclusion because no matter what answers you give, it's treated as MC acknowledging his growth and he is forgiven at the end. 

Oh, I’ve just thought of something else. MC isn’t given a reason for why they have to leave the Pokemon world, or why they were able to return. Explorers gave a reason. Gates to Infinity and Super Mystery Dungeon made a whole post-game story out of their reasons. Here? We get nothing. MC’s “role” has finished and so they have to return to the human world. Never mind what they want. Not until after the dramatic moment where they have to leave has passed, anyway. That voice at the end who suggests that we may be able to see our partner again just by “wishing.” Who the hell was that? What did they mean? Look, by Pokemon standards, the Rescue Team story is quite substantial. By Pokemon Mystery Dungeon standards? It’s...probably the weakest story. I mean, to be fair, Super Mystery Dungeon had the endless schoolhouse arc that added up to nothing in the second act. But hell, that was still fun. And I suppose the Fugitive Arc and Gengar’s “redemption” were fun too. Just frustrating as well. 

[todomitoukei]

Are you asian? Since you know Japanese? And are learning it or you know it? And can I know how can I learn it?

Nope, I’m not Asian. I’ve been learning Japanese on again off again for a while with no real results cause I honestly didn’t know what I was doing and I just wasn’t studying regularly and consistently enough, but 2020 gave me a lot of free time so I basically haven’t been doing anything else since...

As for how you can learn it: there are a lot of different approaches and it really depends on what works for you/what’s accessible to you, which is something you have to figure out yourself by trial and error. A lot of people need a classroom setting and I know that people learn Japanese really fast if they go to a Japanese language school in Japan, which I’ve considered doing too but you know... not really an option right now.

Self-studying is totally doable too, though, you just need a good system and a bit of self-discipline. There are a lot of great textbooks, apps, etc. out there and a lot of YouTube videos that can recommend ways to learn the language, but at the end of the day, you really have to try it out yourself to see whether you like it or not.

There are a lot of aspects and ways to learn the language so I’m gonna put the details and lots of resources (with links!) under the cut:

The most important tip that I can give for self-studying is that having a study schedule is essential. Before I had a study schedule, it was really difficult to stay on track and make progress, whereas a schedule helps you know what to do and how much studying you’ve been doing. The more you study, the better, of course, but 5 minutes a day is better than not studying at all! And your schedule doesn’t need to be perfect - if you feel like it doesn’t work or are otherwise unhappy with it, change it up!

The best thing to do before you start is to just go on YouTube and spend a day or so watching as many videos about how to self-study Japanese as possible to get as many different ideas for yourself. For example, I really like this video, and there are many more like this if you just search something like “How to self study Japanese” - google also really helps and can give you sites like this one or this one that give you a good guideline for how to study on your own.

Also having a variety is really important. Learning a language consists of so many aspects (reading, writing, listening, speaking) that all need to be trained, so incorporating all of them into your schedule is important (don’t worry though, you don’t need to do all of that on day one already, just gradually include these things over time).

Generally, the first thing you want to do for learning Japanese is to learn the writing systems! There are three writing systems: Hiragana (anything can be written in Hiragana, but it’s overall used for native Japanese words/grammar), Katakana (used for loan words (foreign words) or for emphasis), and Kanji (Chinese characters). Kanji take the longest and you can learn those on the side as you learn the rest of the language, but you should learn Hiragana and Katakana first (this only takes a couple of days and you get used to them more and more over time). There are many websites and also apps that can teach you Hiragana and Katakana for free! I know everyone gets a bit scared by Kanji at first, but trust me - they make things so much easier!

If you want a textbook, many people recommend either the Genki or Minna no nihongo textbooks, but I personally used the Japanese from Zero series because it has the textbook, workbook, and answer key all in one. I also heard that Genki is more commonly used in classroom settings and is better when taught by a teacher, and the Minna no nihongo books are in Japanese (you can buy a separate translated version I think, but who wants that?) so the Japanese from Zero series felt the easiest to use. The series has its pros and cons, but it overall worked for me. However, I’ve stopped using textbooks altogether because I’ve found that I’m just as able to just use the internet (and save money that way!). Japanese can be divided into 5 proficiency levels (JLPT N5 to N1, with N5 being the most basic and N1 being the most advanced) and many self-studiers use those levels as a guide to what to study. This website has a good overview and I use it as the main resource to know which grammar points to study next.

For vocab I use AnkiDroid, which is a flashcard app that uses the SRS (Space Repetition System) - which gradually spaces out how often you study a word. You can download flashcard decks on here directly to the app so you don’t need to make your own cards or think about which words to study.

For Kanji I use the app KanjiStudy and I really love it. The full version only costs around 8 € and it comes with a lot of great features and really lets you customize the app. You can create your own sets, practice writing, do multiple choice quizzes, and do flashcard studying. It also has a built-in dictionary and example sentences, so it’s super helpful! The writing aspect is the important part here because writing the Kanji over and over again helps reinforce them and without the app, I would’ve used so much paper by now (I bought a smartphone pen to make it easier to write them on my phone)!

I also have the app Jsho and use the website jisho.org as a dictionary. Google translate, while not reliable, is really helpful because you can use the camera feature to either upload images or scan something with your camera and let google translate it for you! I use that for when I play games on my phone in Japanese and can’t read the Kanji/don’t know the words!

Tae Kim’s Guide to Learning Japanese is an app with really great grammar explanations!

Apps like HiNative or HelloTalk are super important, too, because they let you talk to native speakers! HiNative is mainly for asking language-related questions and have native speakers answer you, whereas HelloTalk is basically like a social media app but with the intent to learn a language. You just say what your native language is and which language you’re learning and then you can chat with people who are natives in the language you’re learning who want to learn your native language. You can also make posts there and have native people correct you, etc.

Installing a Japanese keyboard on your phone and computer is also really important, so here’s a guide on how to install that.

For reading, I recommend you start with bilingual books as they are aimed at beginners and come with vocab and grammar explanations. I really like the Japanese Reader Collection by Clay & Yumi Boutwell. Also, Satori Reader (available as a website and app) offers lots of stories that also all come with an audio version! The stories all let you click the words and explain you the vocab and grammar, as well as let you add vocab to your studylist (which is basically like flashcards).

Listening to Japanese music or podcasts is also really great to get used to the spoken language and are more fun ways to train your listening skills. On the less fun, but still important side, I also use this website for listening exercises.

You probably have already heard of Duolingo. While I wouldn’t recommend using websites/apps like Duolingo as your main source to learn the language, it’s a good tool to use on the site to review what you’ve already learned and reinforce your knowledge.

Here are some of my favorite YouTube Channels by native speakers who teach Japanese (either in English or Japanese, but with subtitles): Japanese Ammo with Misa (definitely my favorite, she makes A LOT of really long, detailed videos and has a huge variety), Japanese Language School - Coto Academy, Japanese with Yuka 101 (makes really long lessons in Japanese without subtitles - really helpful for immersion), Masa Sensei, Miku Real Japanese, Onomappu. Those channels really help not just to learn grammar, but also to listen to native speakers talk. Most of them have videos about grammar, cultural points, etc. and also have listening exercises - all for free!

Another thing that helps immersion wise is to have a TikTok specifically for Japanese. I basically just made an account and looked up some Japanese videos and then liked any Japanese video I could find to make my For You page full of Japanese videos! Since lots of people put subtitles on their TikToks, it’s a bit easier to follow and the short videos make it easy to just watch them several times and try to pick up more and more each time.

Okay, so this might have been really overwhelming, but basically, there are many ways to learn Japanese and surround yourself with the language in a fun and helpful way! You don’t need to use all these options, or don’t need to use them all at once, but this is just to give you some ideas on what I use.

The best way is to find a starting point. Textbooks are really helpful in that aspect because they just give you a layout and you don’t need to coordinate all of that yourself, but there are also a lot of free/cheap ways by just using the internet.

Try and spend a day watching YouTube videos and reading posts online about how to get started and just choose whichever method you like best. You can always switch if it ends up not working for you.

The main rule is really to just create a routine and stick with it, and then adjust it along the way. The more time you dedicate to learning, the better and faster you can improve. Don’t beat yourself up if you ever have a day where you can’t study a lot, but try to at least dedicate five minutes every day. If you can, studying for one hour or more every day is going to be the best way to make progress!

To give you a general idea, here is my current schedule:

*not included are things like listening practices, reading, immersion. I try to do those daily, but they aren’t officially part of my schedule.

Basically, I learn new stuff Mondays - Fridays and use the weekends to review what I’ve learned.

This was very long and might have been really overwhelming (sorry), but I just wanted to include what has helped me. If you have any other questions let me know and I’ll try to help out. Other than that, just start and enjoy the ride!

頑張って！

[rhetoricalrogue]

Wayhaven Week: Day 4

For the @otomefandomevents Wayhaven Week 2020.

Prompt: Tranquil Pairing: Adam du Mortain/Aubrey Miller Warnings: none Word Count: 2,786 Summary: Sometimes facing fears means tying on pointe shoes. Note: I’ve been listening to this playlist practically nonstop while writing this. I also have zero knowledge of dance, so this is mostly me doing the Internet Researcher mode and I apologize for any term I may have gotten wrong.

“This is so stupid,” Aubrey hissed, looking at her reflection in the full length mirror that spanned from one side of the wall to the other.  Bright afternoon sun filtered in through the windows overhead and the playlist of piano music, while a bit tinny through her phone’s speaker, was a tune she was used to.

Aubrey knew for a fact that the majority of Unit Bravo was out of the Warehouse, Morgan being the only one who gave her a brief greeting as she came through. She hadn’t really looked at the bag Aubrey had slung over her shoulder aside from a short curious glance. Even so, it was enough to make it feel like Aubrey had stored a ton of bricks inside instead of the few lightweight items she knew were in there.

She was grateful it was only Morgan hanging around. While she loved the enthusiasm that Farah had for most things, especially bits of her personal past, Aubrey didn’t think she could handle a barrage of questions right now.  She was also grateful that all Morgan did was give her a lazy head to toe look-see when she bumped into her again in the hallway leading from her room and the training room. The tiny half-smile at the short, fluttery skirt and pastel blue knit wrap top Aubrey wore over a grey tank top and black leggings and the brief have fun in there told Aubrey that she wouldn’t be disturbed as she did...whatever she thought she was going to do.

“Come on, Aubs,” she grumbled, sitting on the floor and digging through her bag. Without looking, she found the roll of tape and even though it had been years, taped up her toes as easily as if her last practice was the other day instead of over four years ago. After putting on a pair of lambswool toe pads, her pointe shoes went on just as easily and she exhaled, going into a series of warm up stretches she still did every morning to keep herself limber.

It wasn’t until she was back on her feet and facing the barre that she faltered again. Her eyes went to her phone and she had a brief thought to call up her former dance partner for a pep talk, but then talked herself out of it when she realized that Tony would still be in practice for the production he was gearing up to perform. “This doesn’t have to be scary.” Her hands trembled on the barre. She frowned and pulled her shoulders back, glaring at her reflection as she balled her hands into fists to stop them from shaking. “This shouldn’t be scary. No expectations, just do some basic steps. You can do a beginner class, you’ve taught students half your age how to do the same things before. Now stop overthinking and show me what you’ve got.”

Taking one last deep breath, Aubrey rolled up onto her toes, pushed over her toe box for a good stretch, rolled down through demi pointe, and laughed.

--

Adam walked through the Warehouse and tried not to feel aggravated at the sight of the detective’s car parked outside.  Aggravated wasn’t quite the right word for how he was feeling, but he didn’t know how else to describe the way he felt out of sorts that she hadn’t called him to let him know that she was planning on dropping in on her day off. If she had, he would have…

I would have done what? he thought, crossing his arms over his chest and glaring as he sank into an easy chair in the living room. There had been something between them only a few days ago and he flexed his hand. If he focused enough on the memory of watching fireworks at the carnival, he could all but feel her hand still in his.

“That’s an awful grouchy look for someone who knows Aubs is home,” Morgan told him, perching her hip on the windowsill before she slid the window open enough to let a breeze in.

“She isn’t home,” he countered. “She’s somewhere here.”

Morgan scoffed and tapped out a cigarette. “Okay, sure.” Sparking up, she exhaled a plume of smoke. “To save you time, she’s in the training room. Said something about wanting to get some practice in.”

That got his attention. “By herself? You know she’s not the best at combat, you could have offered to help.”

She shrugged. “Didn’t think she needed my help.” Smoke seeped from her lips as she turned towards the open window. Nate would be pissed if she smoked up the living room too much.  “Why don’t you go check in on her progress?”

Morgan didn’t have to look to know that Adam had already left. Shaking her head, she smirked and took another drag.

Adam hadn’t even gotten a few feet away from the training room’s doors when the sound of music hit him, the pop song familiar from Farah constantly blaring the tune from her bedroom at volumes loud enough to make the windows vibrate. Yet instead of being irritating, this version was both softened by being played on the piano and at a volume low enough that it was more than likely only barely audible to human hearing. His steps faltered as he listened to the rapid beating of Aubrey’s heart and the occasional hard slap of feet against the floor. Curiosity got the better of him and he quietly made his way to the door, opening it but not entering. Part of his reasoning was that he wanted to see how long it would take for the detective to be aware of his presence, but the other was because he wanted to observe her progress without her going tense or stopping only because she thought he was judging her progress and finding it lacking. She had the basics of combat covered due to her police training that he found satisfactory, but there was always a fear clawing at his gut that her training wouldn’t be enough to help her while facing more supernatural foes.

It was something that they were both going to have to work on, she to improve her skills and he to actually let her without worrying so much.

What he found Aubrey doing was definitely not practicing fighting stances.  Adam stared transfixed as he watched her glide across the floor with a grace that he had only caught glimpses of in her everyday movements.  Aubrey was definitely unaware of his presence as she rose fully onto her toes and performed a series of small steps before going into a pirouette and then making multiple turns around the room at a speed that should have made a human dizzy, but Adam only saw a look of utter peace and serenity on her face that made his chest constrict at the emotion she elicited from him.

She was beautiful.  It was something he was well aware of, but seeing her dancing - something he knew she had loved and something that had pained her to leave behind - made it all the more obvious. Her arms moved to balance her as she rose again on one foot, her other leg lifting up and almost impossibly high near her head before she moved again, dropping her leg to extend it in front of her and folding herself over it in one fluid motion.  She stayed like that for a moment and Adam was sure she would move into another dance position, but she suddenly folded in on herself and sat on the floor, her arms coming up to circle her knees as she let out a loud sob.

He was at her side before he even registered moving.  “Are you hurt?” he asked, his eyes zeroing in on her left foot, hands going to her shoulders in concern. The ribbons of her shoes hid most of the silvery pale surgical scars he’d only glimpsed the few times he’d seen her barefoot, but nothing looked amiss.

Aubrey jumped, jerking up to look at him. “Adam?”

“You’re crying.” He couldn’t help but reach out and brush a tear away from her cheek, his breath catching when she tipped her head towards his hand.

“Oh.” Her hands went up to wipe at her face and she gave a little laugh. “I’m not hurt, at least I don’t think so.”  He watched her flex her foot before she nodded in affirmation that everything was fine. 

His brow furrowed in confusion. “Then why are you crying?”

She blushed and leaned back on her hands. “You know that before I joined the police force that I was a dancer.  Becoming a ballerina was the only thing I’ve ever wanted to be since I was six.  I spent twenty years dancing and after hurting myself and leaving, everything has felt...off, like something was missing in my life.  The instructor at the dance studio down the road’s given me an open invitation to perform at any of her programs, but I keep telling her that I’m retired. I haven’t danced since, partly because I was afraid of hurting my foot again, but mostly because I was afraid.”

He sat down next to her. “Afraid of what?”

She bit her lip. “That I wouldn’t be able to do steps I used to be able to practically do in my sleep. That no matter how much warming up I’d done that I wouldn’t be able to dance without pain. That the part of myself I had put so much of my effort into had truly died and the hole in my chest I’ve felt ever since would never go away.”  She laughed again, a trait that Adam had since realized was a nervous tell. “I told you I needed a lesson in self-assuredness.”

He let out a brief huff of laughter before sobering. “And now? Did you find the answers to your fears?” 

“I did.  I was so used to dancing at a certain pace and quantity that when the doctors told me that I’d hurt myself even more permanently if I kept it up, so my answer was to stop completely.” She tightened her arms around her knees. “My all or nothing thinking did more damage than risking the occasional recital or program here in Wayhaven making me miss my former schedule ever did.”

Anxiety suddenly latched its teeth into his chest. “Does this space displease you then?”

She jerked upright. “Displease me?  Adam, this…” she glanced around at what she could only describe as a miniature dance studio. Whoever had built it could have shuffled her to a corner of the training room, but she had been given an equal amount of space as any of the other equipment that dotted the area. “This is wonderful.”

He let out the breath he had been holding.  “Good. When your mother told us about your previous profession, I had hoped to give the architects enough direction to…” He stopped himself, heat dotting his face when he realized what he had said.

“You did this? For me?”

He frowned and tried to brush off the more serious implications his statement had brought up. “Even if you hadn’t utilized the space, an area for flexibility and agility practice would have…”  Whatever he was going to say next was knocked away when Aubrey launched herself at him, her arms wrapping around his shoulders.

“Thank you,” she breathed, her cheek settling in the curve of his neck.  She leaned back enough to look him in the eye.  “I’ve felt so lost for so long, but this...this was me coming home.”

Adam reached up and brushed his fingers over her chin. “You’re crying again.”

“Happy tears, I promise.”

He should have moved away, but it felt right to bring his arms around her and hold her close, sighing as she hugged him again. “Happy or not, I don’t like being the cause of your tears.  I shall try to not do anything to make you cry.”

She laughed, her breath warm against his throat. “Good luck. You should know by now that I tear up at the drop of a hat.” She paused. “You thinking of me as an equal part of Unit Bravo even back then really means a lot to me. I mean it, Adam.”

He rested his chin on the crown of her head and gave in to a little self-indulgence by pulling her in closer. “You’re welcome, Aubrey.” Reluctantly, he pulled away and got up. “Though I should probably apologize: Farah’s going to insist you teach her everything you know.”

Aubrey grinned and held her hands up so Adam could pull her to her feet.  “I’m ready. I’ll have her in a leotard before she knows it.”

“I don’t doubt it.”

Her grin grew. “And maybe I just might have you doing some lifts before you know it too.”

He raised an eyebrow. “We’ll see about that.”

There was a beat where they were silent. Aubrey broke it by rocking back on her heels. “You know, this was just supposed to be a test to see if I could still dance, but I think I’m going to keep it up.  Would you mind if I came by more often to practice?”

Adam tilted his head. “Why would I mind? Like you said, this is your home.” He gave her a fond smile. “Besides, it wouldn’t be unpleasant to see you here more often. Your natural agility and speed could come in handy to offset your combat prowess.”

She swallowed the lump in her throat at the way he looked at her, his eyes soft in the afternoon light. “Maybe once I knock all the rust off, I can give a mini-recital,” she joked.

“I’d like that.” Adam cleared his throat. “We’d like that. But in order for you to do so, you need time to practice. I’ll leave you to it.”

Aubrey watched as he left the training room and closed the door behind him.  She couldn’t stop from rushing over to where her phone was to scroll through some more music. Where she had sort of butchered the flow of an actual class before to test if she could simply do the moves again, now she centered herself and began to practice in earnest. The years away had left her with muscles that still remembered how to move in the correct steps, even if being out of practice meant it took a little more effort to get into them. Even so, every plie and tendu made something dormant inside her unfurl and wake up, as if someone had opened a window to let a fresh breeze in.

Just outside the training room, Adam leaned against the wall and listened for a brief moment before heading down the hallway.  “You knew she wasn’t training,” he said as he found Morgan in the kitchen.

“Never said she was,” she replied, not looking up from the apple she was slicing.  “Besides, for her, I think that still counts as training. She needed that, you know.”

“So long as she doesn’t injure herself again.”

The scoff and rolled eyes were something Adam had grown used to. “She’s a grown woman, I think she knows what her body’s limits without you hovering.” She raised an eyebrow. “Though maybe she’d want you to hover, if you know what I mean.”

He scowled. “What are you doing?”

She gave him as innocent of a look as Morgan was capable of doing. “Nothing, Adam. Just making a snack.”

He looked down at the plate of sliced apples and cheese. “You hate cheese.”

“Didn’t say it was for me.  Don’t know what sort of calories she’s burning, but…” she shrugged. “She’ll be hungry when she finishes in there.”

He dropped his defensive posture. “So you can be nice,” he teased.

“Fuck off, Adam,” she sneered, throwing the plate into the fridge. “She’s my…” She trailed off and shrugged.

“You can call her your friend. It won’t hurt.”

She narrowed her eyes. “Ha ha. That’s real rich, coming from you.  But yeah. You’re supposed to do nice things for friends.”

Adam watched as she sauntered off. Leaning against the kitchen island, he grabbed an apple from the bowl Nate had put out earlier. Taking a bite, he frowned as he went over both the moment that he had with Aubrey and the conversation he just had with Morgan.

Maybe she’s right, he thought, pushing away from the island. He opened the fridge to make sure that there was a bottle of water set next to Morgan’s snack offering for Aubrey to find. Maybe it wouldn’t hurt to admit certain things.

[wheresmynaya]

Two Ghosts Ch.8 | Brittana

Thanks to everyone that messaged or left me a review for last chapter! It really motivated me to continue (this was one of the chapters I had lost) so here’s another update. Happy Valentine’s Day!! 

           By the time Santana gets home, it’s just after sundown. She had sat in her car after the argument with Brittany and just stared out the window for what felt like hours. She couldn’t remember a time she felt this horrible. She kept replaying the way Brittany looked at her when she said goodbye; as if it was truly their last one.

           She can’t decide if that feeling in the pit of her stomach was guilt or regret, but as she continued to playback Brittany’s words over and over in her mind she decides it’s both. She just feels so terrible for how things went down and now, she has no idea how to fix things.

If she even can.

There’s also that little part of her that begs to know what Brittany wanted to say, but she doubts she’ll ever find out now.

           When she gets inside, her body feels so sluggish. Everything hurts for some reason and Maribel notices immediately as Santana slumps onto the couch in the living room. Maribel eyes her curiously from the other end and puts down the book she had been reading.

           “Rough day on the field?” Maribel asks.

           “Something like that.” Santana mutters and pulls the throw blanket that rests over the back of the couch to cover her legs.

           Maribel gives her a concerned look as Santana swipes at her phone.

           “The girls on the squad behaving?" Maribel tries again but Santana just shrugs.

           "Besides the reason why I don't want kids aka Alex being her usual self, everyone was fine." Santana answers and she doesn't even have to look up from her phone to know Maribel's trying to figure her out, she can just feel it.

           “This isn’t about Brittany, is it?” Maribel asks and Santana kind of hates how intuitive her mother can be. She had learned early on that nothing gets past her.

“No, it’s not about Brittany.” Santana lies, “It was just a bad day. I’ll be okay.”

Maribel pats Santana’s feet over the blanket comfortingly, “Well you can talk to me, mija. Whatever’s the matter, I’m here.”

           Santana peeks up at Maribel and gives her a small smile, “Thanks, mami.”

           Maribel just hums her response as she gets up and heads to the kitchen, “I made rice and beans, Abuela’s recipe. I’ll make you a plate, rice and beans can cure everything.”

           Santana nods although her mother’s already out of the room. She’s been so caught up in thinking about Brittany and how the day panned out that she hadn’t realized her stomach was rumbling. She’s thankful for the plate Maribel offers and they spend the rest of the night watching whatever reality show is playing on TV.

           It’s almost enough to distract her from her thoughts, but she’s grateful for the peace, even if it’s only for a moment.

 \\

             The next day Santana awakes, she spends the morning contemplating returning to New York. She told Brittany she was considering it, but in reality what was she going to go back to? She didn’t have a job or an apartment to return to and not much money saved up since she pretty much drained her account by moving back to Lima. Truth is, she was stuck here and the only way out was to continue coaching the Cheerios.

           She knew she had to make nice with Brittany, or at least keep things civil because they’re basically coworkers and they needed to be united when coaching the Cheerios. They couldn’t stress working together and being a team to the squad if they weren’t setting the example. Still, it was a hard pill to swallow for Santana because it meant she needed to apologize.

           Unless Brittany didn’t want anything to do with her and honestly, Santana wouldn’t blame her if that was the case. She never really took Brittany’s feelings into consideration when it came to what happened to them and their relationship. Not that she didn’t care about her feelings but because she really didn’t know. Santana figured that she was fine because she had Sam and she never really said otherwise. Then again, Brittany’s always been really good at covering up her feelings.

If Santana was bad, Brittany was worse.

People knew when Santana was upset; hallways would part and everyone would keep their distance. But Brittany? She only let you in on how she was feeling when she wanted to and that wasn’t very often. Brittany could be very straightforward and blunt when it came to how she felt, but she also kept a lot inside.

Regardless, they needed to reconcile for the sake of the squad.

 \\

             Santana arrives to WMHS earlier than usual and isn’t surprised when she finds that Quinn and Brittany’s cars aren’t in the parking lot. She decides to take a walk with nowhere in particular in mind, she just needs the extra time to clear her head. She had been too nervous to message Brittany beforehand because what she needed to say couldn’t be done over a text. However, she had no idea what to say. How could she apologize for the past five years? What could she possibly say that would make everything okay again? She was at a loss.

           She finds herself inside the school; classes haven’t quite ended yet so the halls are still eerily quiet. She’s still getting used to the fact that she doesn’t have to abide by the teacher’s rules and she can wonder the halls without fear of getting a detention. In fact, she’s the one giving the detentions out. Not that she has yet, but she’s pretty sure she as the power to now considering she’s sort of a teacher.

           She’s just past the science hall when she spots her head Cheerio, Maddy, exit a classroom just ahead of her holding a bathroom pass that Santana can’t believe is still a thing. She thinks about saying hi but she doesn’t want to be on Mr. Schue's level of being friendly with students, so instead she just keeps quiet and continues walking. Suddenly another familiar Cheerio exits a classroom on the opposite side of the hallway; it’s her arch nemesis: Alex. She thinks about calling her out for ditching class but something intriguing happens: Alex catches up to Maddy, their fingers tangling, and then they disappear behind a door.

           Santana walks a little faster because she doesn’t remember there being a bathroom there and by the looks of it, she doubts the school has had any remodels since she was going. If her memory is correct, the door should actually lead to-

           Santana stops at the door she remembers all too well and smirks as she reads the plaque with dusty gold letters: Janitor’s Closet.

           “Horny kids.” Santana chastises, though she can’t fight the smirk creeping up. She remembers how she and Brittany were back in the day; it was like they couldn’t keep their hands off each other and the janitor's closet was one of the few places they could escape to.

           She’s so surprised by the pairing but at the same time she wonders how she could've missed it. Now when she looks back on the short time she’s spent around the squad so far, she should’ve noticed how Maddy is the only one to keep Alex in check and their dynamic is way too familiar.

           She decides it’s kind of creepy waiting outside the door while the girls do who knows what, so she continues on walking. She checks her phone for the time and sees classes should be letting out soon and she shouldn’t be in the hall when it does unless she wants to get trampled.

           She doesn’t head to the choir room on purpose, but that’s where she finds herself a little while later. She flicks the light switch and the room illuminates and a sudden familiarity washes over her. She drags the tips of her fingers along the dusty piano as her eyes dance around; who knew a room could hold so many memories. She thinks of all the lessons she learned, the songs she sung, and the dances she danced. Her eyes fall on the back row of chairs and her minds drifts further; the number of smiles she counted.

           She takes a seat in the front row and sighs. Sue may have honed her work ethic and drive but in this room she learned how to dream.

           It's also the place where she broke the heart of the only person she's ever loved.

           “Oh my,” A voice shakes Santana from her thoughts and she looks up to see Mr.Schue walking in, sweater vest and all, “Santana Lopez! What an honor to have you back in my choir room.”

           Santana finds herself smiling as she stands and gives her old teacher a hug, “Hey Mr.Schue. Sorry for crashing.”

           “No, don’t be! I’m just here to grab these,” Will says as he walks over to pick up a stack of sheet music on the shelf, “I must’ve missed you at Sue’s funeral but I’ve heard you, Quinn, and Brittany have started coaching the Cheerios. That’s great! It’ll be nice having the three of you around, I was lucky with Brittany’s occasional visit.”

           That intrigues Santana and she tilts her head in question.

           Will notices and elaborates, "Brittany used to sit in on rehearsals during her breaks at MIT, help out around here sometimes. "

           "Brittany went to MIT?" Santana asks, stunned, and that causes Will to look at her curiously.

           "Yeah? Didn't she tell you?" He questions and Santana has to remind herself that no one really knows that she and Brittany haven't been speaking.

           So she nods, “Yeah, she did, it's been such a long time. We've got a lot to catch up on. It's good working with Quinn and Brittany again though.”

           Will laughs as he puts the stack of papers in his bag, “You guys will do an amazing job.”

           “Thanks, Mr.Schue.” Santana says, “Do you need the room? I can leave.”

           “No, you’re fine.” Will answers, “We don’t have practice today so the room is all yours if you’d like. Do you still sing?”

           Santana nods and says a little sheepishly, “I was a singing waitress at this diner back in New York. Turns out all those showtunes you taught us about come in handy.”

           Will chuckles, “Well, they are classics. I’m glad you still sing though, you have an amazing voice. It’s good you still use it.”

           Santana briefly thinks about how she used her voice yesterday with Brittany and she can’t fight a frown as she remembers she’ll have to face her soon.

Will eyes Santana wearily, “Is everything okay?”

           Santana’s throat tightens because the answer is far from yes, but she just paints on a smile and nods, “Yeah, just preparing myself for Cheerio practice. I don’t know how you do it. These kids are savages.”

           Will bursts out laughing again as he slips his sunglasses on, “They’re not so bad. I’ve got to run, but come by more often! Maybe you guys can sit in for a Glee rehearsal or something?”

           Santana smiles, “That sounds cool, Mr.Schue.”

           Will just gives a thumbs up before walking out of the room.

           Santana goes back to staring at the rows of chairs set up behind her and thinks. She thinks about all the things she’s missed out on in Brittany’s life, all her big accomplishments she wasn’t there for and anything in between. It’s one thing to go through a break up, but Brittany wasn’t just Santana’s girlfriend. She was also her best friend. She knew everything about Brittany and Brittany knew everything about her, but now they’re strangers and that thought alone is more heartbreaking than any break up.

Those thoughts stir something deep inside of Santana. It’s an oddly familiar feeling, but one that she hasn’t felt in ages. She remembers the feeling she got from performing, the adrenaline rush, it was the same feeling she got from singing showtunes at the Spotlight diner or pop songs in the shower. But this feeling is different, it’s a feeling that builds from deep within her. It rattles her like a quiet vibration and it settles in her chest and makes her heart pound wildly. It’s a combination of excitement and pain and anxiety and it’s like the only way she can relieve it is by singing.

           “Ready when you are.”

           “Jesus!” Santana whips around in the direction of the voice, her hand clutching her chest, “What the hell?”

           It’s Piano Brad emerging from the shadows and settling at the piano, “Sorry.”

           Santana just stares in disbelief, her chest heaving, “How long have you been standing there?”

           Piano Brad just shrugs, “Awhile.”

           Santana slowly blinks her eyes and tries to steady her breathing, “That’s really creepy.”

Although, Piano Brad scared the shit out of her, she wonders about his offer. She thinks about how long it’s been since she sang and how long it’s been since she has been accompanied by a piano and how this is exactly what she needs to calm her nerves. This is exactly how she needs to express herself when she can’t find the words.

           But then the bell rings and she’s shaken from her thoughts and she remembers what she has to do today.

           A song got her into this mess with Brittany so it probably won’t get her out of it.

           “Maybe next time,” Santana tells Piano Brad.

           He nods and rises from the stool before exiting the room without another word.

           Santana just stares at him once again in utter disbelief, “So weird.”

She goes to take a seat as she checks the time and notes there are twenty-five minutes until she must face Brittany. She sits there, knees bouncing anxiously as she racks her brain for ways to apologize but she struggles. What could she possibly say that could make things okay again? Brittany made some good points and made Santana see things in a different light, but what really crushes her is the way Brittany looked at her before walking away. She looked like her whole world just got rocked and Santana can’t believe it was by her doing. In the past, Santana has hurt Brittany before in more ways than one: from hiding who she was to rejection to dating other people, but she’s never seen Brittany look at her the way she did. Because of that, Santana wouldn’t be surprised if Brittany never wants to speak to her again but she has to at least try.

           Santana just sits there and watches the minute hand slowly move.

[rogertaylcr]

its alright if its long! i asked bc i was curious, id love a long answer

OKAY HERE IS THE SUPER LONG ANSWER, it’s self indulgent and, dare I say, Boring as shit -- but it’s the full answer to how/when/why I started drumming -- it is also 1.5k words long so it’s under a read more

so I started like drumming in a serious way i would say like a year and a halfish ago which isn’t a super long time I know but theres a tediously long story behind it which you asked for so don’t blame me for how long this is cause dude i know it’s long

The why of it is actually pretty short though. So my house is a music house, my mom plays a bunch of instruments and sings and my dad listens to a bunch of music so theres a lot of musical passion (even when theres no talent necessarily). As a kid, like 3-4 like EARLY memory, I remember listening to bohemian rhapsody and hearing the drums specifically, which idk if this is universal but for a lot of songs for awhile i just didn’t hear the drums as like part of the song really, and with bohemian rhapsody they were just so clear, like i could hear the heartbeat of the song. (this was the first song I felt that with but definitely not the only one, baba oreilly was another one that i made me realise the life of the song comes from the drums) When I was .... like 6-7, a beatles doc came on MTV and I saw Ringo drumming during the early beatles years and he was standing and stomping the hi hat and bass and there was just so much movement and power behind it and so much more fun in my opinion than the other instruments and i was like “i wanna be the one giving songs their heartbeats”. The more i got into a bunch of other, new and old, bands the more i was like This Has To Be Me. I had always been a fidegty person who was drumming to shit anyway but like the idea that that could translate into like something palatable and musical and entertaining and LOUD was News™ to me and I wanted to do that, but at the time I only knew a bit of piano and like a single chord on guitar and, like a lot of people’s parents, my parents saw creative fields as really unstable/unrealistic so I was like “well obvious it would be nice to be a loud drummer but I’m going to be a business person” (this is how cynical i was as a child).

the WHEN of it is a longer story, like it isn’t actually cause the actual answer is that i’ve been seriously drumming for about 1.5 years but theres like more to it imo

When i was in the third grade, instruments were compulsory at school so we all had to choose and buy one to learn on as well as basic piano lessons. I wanted to play the drums as “my instrument” at that time BUT my school didn’t have the budget or the space really to accommodate that (i would've had to buy my own kit and haul it to and from the school which didn’t make sense for me to do for someone who hadn’t ever touched drums) AND they didn’t have a teacher that could really teach drums, our percussion section was just a xylophone and some cymbals it was a school of like 2000 kids so :/

So I learned clarinet and then when i was 10, in the fifth grade, my older sister’s friend stopped playing saxophone and got permission to bring her drums in. We only had an orchestra so our teacher had to write her music for/with her which was cool but anyway. She left her drums at school and i knew her and so while i was supposed to be in the practice room playing clarinet i was trying semi-fruitlessly to drum. I knew i wanted to drum by any means necessary but like I was 10 and since i had no guidance (and no proper sticks i was using xylophone mallets) I didn’t think I was “good” at it and when we moved away I took that as a sign that it wasn’t meant to be.

When we got to america I joined school bands (as in orchestra/concert band) as a clarinet player once again, I still wanted to be drumming and i was in a public school by then so i had access to like “school drums” but I was so far behind the not-self-taught drummers in the actual band that I just like decided I had to focus on what I was already good at which was my art and dove into the upper level art program which like GOOD cause that made life worth living but it also meant the only time I could drum was when I was at this one friends house or had access to the band hall and like I just couldn’t keep the improvements i’d made, like i’d perfect a song and then have zero access for a couple weeks (except to like stand alone snares but :/ ) and i’d have to start over essentially and it was SUPER discouraging and it made me feel like I wasn’t making any progress

In the meantime I was trying to get my musical fix by learning guitar/piano and piano came back to me pretty quickly (its gone again now) but guitar like.....you can’t hit it lmao, piano i could slam the keys how i wanted to and get that really great loud resonating sound and i could stand to play and get more movement out of it but guitar is tedious in a way that other instruments aren’t imo, like the sound is loud but the movement is very precise and i never had the patience for that

when I got to college I really had to focus on my art especially the first two years, I literally lived in the studio (im not exaggerating, the students in my major and I had a janitorial bathroom set aside for showering) so pretty much all of my hobbies got tossed aside those two years it was grueling, fun but also hell

Junior year came and i had like 30% of my time back and i was like considering switching majors. I knew i didn’t want to do animation but also you can’t just switch into music at a university, you have to be pretty accomplished already and percussion at my school is HUGE like i would’ve had to be roger himself to have a chance of switching in. On top of that the degree isn’t super useful so I now have my Bachelors of Science. But by junior year i KNEW i didn’t wanna do that, I knew i wanted/i want to drum so I.... licherally................went to the library and printed like 50 pieces of paper each with three flyers on them and cut them up and put them up ALL over campus essentially begging for access to a drum kit. I could only afford like a couple hours on this one guys kit every few weeks for one semester (and then the following semester i did a semester away, they had drums at the school there but i only got access like a total of 5 times) so when i came back to america I did the exact same thing, I put up flyers in the music building and eventually i found a girl who let me use her drums for free all year, she gave me access like last august? I think? and just now has packed them away in the last month or so, and i would literally go into this tiny stuffy unairconditioned room (that had an automatic light timer so i’d be in the dark halfway through a song ahsdkhajkda and a couple times the heat got to me and i had to go outside and sit in my car w/ the AC before coming back in ahdjkahdjkasdjka) and drum for about 6-8 hours MWF and maybe like 3-4 hours T/TR which i know isn’t as much as some people but like I had school work still so I couldn’t do too much more. (it worked out great cuase i only took 7 hours my last two semesters so it was like something i could do while all my friends were in class and they weren’t open on weekends so my social life didn’t get fucked up) and like i know i haven’t been drumming drumming that long comparatively to like normal people who start at age -2 and are born with a snare in their laps but you spend that much time each week doing something and you’ll get good you just like… have to and I like where I’m at right now, I think I’ll always have super severe imposter syndrome abt my skill level b/c of how long it took me to get here and being an overcritical perfectionist doesnt help but yeah

i really dont think its a coincidence that my coming out (to myself) coincided with when I said “fuck it im gonna play drums come hell or high water” but SUPER LONG AND OVERLY DETAILED story short, I heard roger drum and said “if i dont do that ill die” and then when i finally had the resources i drummed myself into multiple heat strokes and i recently saw roger live so the universe rewarded me for all that shit

[robertsbarbie-archive]

I don’t know about you but this is why I love the debut

Oof, hi, warning: this might get a little sad and I also talk about some rough topics but I felt the need to tell my story on this and why I love it so much

So, obviously I love the debut, and there’s so many different contributing factors as to why but I guess I’ll start at the beginning

Taylor’s album was the first female album I owned, it was mine, not my sisters’, not my mother’s, mine and that meant a lot to me. Soon after getting it I got a karaoke machine for Christmas and can you guess the CD I got to go with it? Yep. The debut. I listened to the CD and the karaoke version all of the time. I went so hard to Should’ve Said No lol, I would put on concerts for my sisters and it’s what made me want to persue singing and musical theatre, which eventually turned into just theatre and I couldn’t be happier because of it, that album meant everything to me.

Fast forward a couple of years I’m hanging out with my best friend when her mom asks if she can speak to both of us (we were like 10 and our families were friends so I didn’t think anything of it) my friend gets a sad look on her face and I’m just confused, her mom told me that they were moving. They said we’d stay in touch but I was devastated, we go back up to my friend’s room and she digs something out of her closet. It was a debut Taylor shirt, and she gave it to me to remember her by ( I’m pretty sure it was given away cause my mom thought it was my sister’s and she didn’t want it anymore )

That album was there for my entire childhood, I remember taking showers and singing to Invisible, cleaning to Picture to Burn, etc. it has always been there. And I had a very lonely childhood (am barely having a non lonely teenage ages) but the debut without fail was there for me, there was a song for every mood

Oof now we are getting into the fun stuff (and by that I mean not so fun so some people may want to stop reading for a while), um, after all of these years it’s still not easy to talk about, even after I have accepted it and am trying to figure out how to make it work in my life. I don’t know if any of you recall me talking about how I Knew You Were Trouble saved my life, well this sort of relates to that. When I was 12 I had lost everything, at least it felt like that, I had no friends, I didn’t care about anything really, things had started to get bad with my family (or maybe I just realized it), I just went through the motions, and um, basically I thought about killing myself everyday (lol I’m actually crying while typing this yikes). It was Taylor (with RED and I Knew You Were Trouble) that saved my life and made me start to have interest in things again. I realized Taylor was my safe place. I went back and watched all of her music videos and I went back to her roots, the debut. I had forgotten about it honestly (what? I know. It was a bad time). I went back and listened to the debut. I just started sobbing. I remembered my childhood, I cried to Tied Together With A Smile because I reacted to it and I was tied together with a smile but I was coming undone, Stay Beautiful reminded me that no matter what I can be loved, Invisible, oh god invisible, I know it’s a crush song, but I truly felt alone and invisible which was the worst feeling (I still feel that way sometimes), everything about that album now spoke new volumes to me and it was deafening. With time I began to heal a little bit, all because the debut was there to support me. I’m gonna try to keep the triggering stuff in one paragraph so this is out of order a little. Um, oh god, this is really hard to talk about because I’m so ashamed, but, um, I need to talk about it I guess, I self harm, I haven’t since June 10th because I had a really bad day and I just wanted to feel anything but my emotions, sometimes the depression just got too much and I couldn’t, I'm mentioning it because a lot of times when I think about it I’ll put on the debut and calm down to the point where I can think rationally (Disclaimer: This is not me saying that Taylor is the only way I won’t, I still sometimes do even when listening to her but I’m just saying that the debut helps me a lot) The album is so important to my mental health and my well being and i barely notice it half the time. The debut plays and I am instantly calmed

I don’t where I’m at but I think all of the triggering stuff is out of the way. Um, so next, um, my first breakup was the year 1989, and I had associated so many of the songs from that album with him that I didn’t know if I could listen to Taylor (fun fact it’s why 1989 is my least favorite album but I still love her), nothing by her felt right and would make me cry, but not the debut, it was just like listening to my music and comforted me greatly, especially Tim McGraw (cause I replaced some words with our own versions {even I hope you think Taylor Swift lol } and it felt personal. I took a break from Taylor to explore other music a.k.a my emo phase, but the debut stayed. Always.

Okay I think we’re up to this year, this year has more or less sucked. I lost friends and just felt like overall crap but the debut taught me some lessons about that. Let’s start with the before named ex, I texted him on his birthday, I had changed my number and told him but he, um, didn’t bother to say it, so it sucked having him not knowing who I am. I listened to Picture to Burn on repeat, realizing that I need to let go of my past and a person who really doesn’t care about me. I had like eight falling outs with friends and I’m Only Me When I’m With You made me realize that I wasn’t being myself around them so they really weren’t my friends and they didn’t deserve my real self. And then the first crush I had since my ex.... I listened to Invisible everyday, I put Mary’s Song on the playlist I made for him. I really liked him.... then the time came for Teardrops on my Guitar and I was just devastated.

And then to come on here and see the debut listed as most people’s least favorite album broke my heart, cause it meant so much to me. It has always been there for me, and always will be there for me. I love it so much and nothing will ever change my mind about it

Also the songwriting is A plus and overall a masterpiece that you should appreciate

And yeah, that’s my story for anyone that cares.

[threemoonsareshining]

hey i can’t sleep it’s 1am and i’m too out of it to pick i can’t properly express how much i love reading your answers so just answer any / all of those fruit asks i know i said that last time but time is a lie and you’re a cool person yeet

Hi! Oh my god it’s me the one who can’t properly express how much I like getting your asks, and how weird it feels when someone tells you that they like your answers (I still don’t get how you find my ramblings interesting!), but I actually find writing them quite liberating, and it helps me practice my writing skills in English even though they’re not very good! Ok, so you ask for it, here are some long-ass answers

peach: do you have any piercings or tattoos? No! I just had my ears pierced when I was a baby and I wear normal earrings. I don’t really want any kind of piercings because I find them soo unnecessary (for me personally), I don’t see the use in involuntarily mutilating my body you know (I hate needles). I don’t have tattoos either, and I’d like to get one someday, just something tiny and pretty, but then again we encounter the problem of needles…….

raspberry: favorite flower? I honestly love all kinds of flowers but I really like… orchids for example, and when I was little I used to be obsessed with wildflowers (I made bouquets all the time) and now every once in a while I go out to my garden and pick flowers so i can press them in a book and then stick them to an empty notebook (so cliche I know) but I just think they look so so nice.

passion fruit: how would you describe your style? Mmmm I don’t really know if I have a style, I’m really basic tbh. I wear simple clothing but somehow I always manage to differentiate myself from the rest, sometimes without even trying. Like, when I go shopping I get really annoyed because 90% of the shops in every mall are owned by the same company (Inditex) and want it or not, they always end up selling the same stuff, because it’s what everybody is wearing and they sell more you know, but I hate wearing That Exact Garment That Everyone Is Wearing This Season, unless I really really like it. But most of the time I just stick to a simple style, with plain colors, although now I’m trying to broaden my horizons and feel a little bit more comfortable showing a little more skin, which I don’t always like but I’m trying you know.

pineapple: sexual orientation? Ah, the eternal question. I’m honestly not sure. I spent a lot of time believing I was ace, I have always been “mocked” for my lack of sexual behaviours. When I was in middle school people thought it was because I was  a lesbian, but I gave it a lot of thought and I arrived at the conclusion that I wasn’t, I just didn’t have attraction towards anyone, which apparently people find completely incomprehensible. But this last year I’ve experienced some situations that have made me realise I might not be 100% ace, but it’s weird because I don’t think those feelings were towards anyone in particular, so I’m pretty confused. What I have more or less clear so far is that I need a lot of trust, and when I say a lot I mean a lot, like I need to “click” with that person in a special way so I am capable of feeling the minimum sexual desire, or at least to feel comfortable enough to engage in some kind of physical contact (even kissing, like, last year I couldn’t even stand people touching my arm, so yeah all kinds of physical contact are kind of big deal to me, specially with the opposite sex, idk why), and even then it doesn’t always happen. I still have a lot to figure out, but I’m not really stressed about it, right now I’m pretty much craving some human contact (this sounds contradictory to what I wrote above, I just think I avoid physical contact because I don’t really know how to react to those situations) and hopefully I’ll get it tomorrow, even if it’s from someone that hasn't been really been really nice to me

strawberry: favorite desserts? Always ice cream, or any of the cakes that my mom bakes because they are all delicious.

cherry: can you play any musical instruments or can you sing? I used to take violin lessons and I self-taught a little of piano, but last year I didn’t have time to do anything and I ended up dropping everything art-related, which pretty much killed my soul. Giving up violin was to be expected, since it was never my passion, it felt more like an obligation because my parents pressured me a lot, and by doing that I refused to practice as much as I should so I never got to see much progress and I got stuck, while the rest of my mates kept getting better and better, which discouraged me even more. With piano, I enjoy a lot playing the little I know, and I’ve composed some themes (without any actual academic knowledge of music of course) but I think they sounded pretty good given that I came up with them with 14 years old or so. Right now I have some themes in mind (it’s amazing because I came up with them like 4 years ago and I still haven’t forgotten them, which is dangerous because I haven’t written or recorded them…). Regarding singing, I like to do it (as I type this I’m performing Africa by Toto with my heart and soul and I bet my neighbour wants to kill me right now) but I’m too shy to sing in front of people, even though I’ve been told I’m good at it (my voice isn’t strong at all btw). I’ve just performed alone in public once and I still don’t know how I managed to do it without having a nervous breakdown. Anyways, yesterday I was home alone and I started singing while doing my hair and I was surprised by myself like “woah bitch when did you learn to do that with your voice” and it was a nice feeling.

banana: favorite horror movies? Mmmmm I’m not a fan of horror movies, I’ve only started to watch some this year. For example, the only horror movie I’ve seen in an actual cinema was A quiet place, and it wasn’t even that scary, but I really liked it. I’ve also seen The Others and The Shining, which were also pretty scary for me hahah

blackberry: is your life an action film, a comedy, a romantic comedy, or drama? My life is one of those pretentious indie European drama movies in which nothing happens, except it’s not aesthetically pleasing

pomegranate: when do you feel the most confident? The other day I was wearing a clean pyjama and I was freshly shaven and honestly, I had the confidence to kill a man.

guava: dark & dramatic makeup or natural makeup? I’m trying to perfect the art of achieving a natural makeup that actually looks natural, but problem: I’m bad at it and I don’t have the right products to do it.

tangelo: if you could be any mythical creature, which would you be? I’d be a dryad, an elf or something that lives in the forest, nothing like a mermaid or a creature that lives in the water because I’m afraid of it, just let be me eaten by the moss please and thank you

papaya: what song describes your aesthetic? I’ve said it like 461654 times but Plant Life by Owl City is me, like, if that song was a person, it would be me.

cranberry: favorite time of the day; morning, afternoon, dusk, or night? I love the night because it feels like time stops. If I’m alone, I don’t feel judged because there’s no one else to see me, I can just enjoy the world when everything’s quiet and if I stay awake till dawn I get to see how the world wakes up which is also really nice. I also like the night when I’m with people, I can’t describe the feeling, like, when I breathe deeply, I feel some butterflies in my stomach (sometimes it’s the anxiety and I want to end my suffering right there but other times it’s like a nice way of feeling excited), just being surrounded by people... it gives me a weird feeling (my way of expressing this is so shitty i’m sorry)

nectarine: would you consider yourself an emotional person? I’ve always been known for being stone cold and emotionless, but actually I am Very Sensitive, everything affects me, even if I’m not the target of it (I would get really upset at school when my classmates were mean to teachers because I felt so so so so bad for them and my mom told me like “but the haven0t done anything to you!” and I’m like I know but my soul is in pain what can I do). Despite this, I never cried once at school, I just let it all out when I got home (I would cry a lot outside), and that’s why everyone thought I had no feelings, when actually I had a lot of them, too many, I just got really really good at hiding them. This is now a problem since I find myself incapable of expressing my feelings to other people. I’m good at rationalising them to myself, I can distance myself from my own perspective and think “You’re feeling this because of that”, but there’s a difference between being able to acknowledge your feelings objectively and actually having the capability to control them, or change them (that’s why they’re feelings, they’re the opposite of “objective” and they can’t just be turned off whenever you want). This is the reason why it’s so exhausting to be concealing them all the time like I do or not even that, just trying to canalise negative feelings instead of avoiding them can be really hard. So yeah, to sum up, I’m very emotional, but I’d like to believe I’m very self-aware so I can find some kind of balance.

orange: do you have long eyelashes? I actually do, but only because I apply ricin oil every night before bed. I did it just to give it a try but my lashes are now not only longer, but also denser (I have lots of new hairs popping out, it’s very nice to see). I do it because I hate wearing mascara, and I want them to look fuller without having to apply anything.

apricot: what do you do when you’re sad? When I’m very very sad I just get this sinking feeling in my chest, which I can’t express with words how much I hate it, it reminds me of all the times I’ve gotten that feeling in my life and makes me feel completely miserable. When I feel like that, there’s literally nothing else I can do but lie feeling just kind of paralyzed. I often try to watch a tv show, and even though I can’t concentrate on it and I’ll probably end up having to rewatch that episode, it distracts me a little. I also play music, but it sometimes makes it even worse. Lately, when I feel really down, or anxious (specifically anxiety over things I know are stupid and no big deal, but things that my brain decides to worry about anyway), I end up cleaning something very thoroughly, like my bedroom or bathroom while listening to some playlist with mainstream songs that I know the lyrics to but that I’m not emotionally attached to so I can keep my mind busy until lunchtime or until I have to go out.

star fruit: favorite sea creature? I used to be obsessed, and when I said obsessed I mean obsessed with whales, specifically beluga whales. I have a stuffed beluga toy, a beluga notebook and I still have the picture of a beluga hung on my wall (it’s not big I swear it’s not that bad now). I also made my mom tell my tales about belugas for like 6 or 7 years every single night (I can’t remember when exactly she stopped doing it but I can tell you I was old enough to feel really, really ashamed of it if anyone found out about it), now I feel sorry for her because it must had been a really big effort for her… I was obsessed with dolphins as well, I remember crying while watching dolphin documentaries on tv because I wanted one so bad and my parents tried to explain me that that was just… not possible. Oh I also have those figurines that glow in the dark with whale shapes (you know those stars that are on the ceiling of kids’ rooms? well just like that but with whales, I still have them)

dragonfruit: do you drink alcohol? I do, and I know it’s really unhealthy but I mean… besides that I’m a pretty healthy girl, I don’t smoke, I don’t eat processed foods and I work out every once in a while… you gotta live a little. And it’s also nothing like drinking every day or anything, it’s just that when I go out with friends I drink, heavily, but I still know when to stop (I’ve only gone overboard like… twice, and it was nothing serious, like, you end up getting all your dinner out and with a terrible hangover the next day). It’s funny because when I’m drunk and my head is spinning, I can still see myself trying to rationalise everything and i have some principles as a drunk girl: 1. Watch your step as gracefully as you can 2. Be nice and try to help everyone, stranger or not 3. Pick up the things you drop on the ground because the environment is still in danger 4. If someone needs to go to pee, especially if it’s one of your girlfriends, don’t let them go alone. It’s actually a little sad because one of the main reasons why I drink at parties it’s because I get really anxious in social situations, and it helps me feel a little less self-conscious, but lately it doesn’t do the trick, and I just stare into space and my mind goes blank every time someone talks to me, and them feeling terrible about my lack of social skills… I should fix that

This was really nice to write, it kept me busy for a while, just what I needed. I don’t know if you go through all of it but hey at least it helped me!

Have a nice nice day!!! 🍃🍃🍃🍂🍂🍂

[iheartmoosiq]

I HEART MOOSIQ interview : GRYFFIN 

ID10T Music Festival + Comic Conival 06.24.17

-interviewed by Nick

We'd like to thank Los Angeles based multi-instrumentalist and producer Gryffin for taking the time to speak with us after his killer ID10T Festival set and after coming off a tiring weekend of closing out stages at Fire Fly Music Festival and EDC Las Vegas.

GRYFFIN: My (EDC) set was at 4:30am. I had the sunrise set and I had just come from Firefly Music Festival the night before.

IHM: So you flew across the country.

GRYFFIN: Yeah, it was really intense. It was fun though. It was so late though. I got into Vegas, soundchecked in the afternoon, and we didn't sleep from the night before from closing the dance tent there, and I had to sleep or else I'm not going to be energetic at all for this 4:30 set. So I didn't get to see anyone. I bailed the next day. Well, I saw a little bit of Slushii, but that's because he was on right before me. Man, it was so hot.

IHM: When I came back from EDC to the Bay Area, I was thinking it's going to be cooler weather. But it was still like 100 degrees over here.

GRYFFIN: Oh yeah, wasn't there recently a pretty extreme heat wave.

IHM: Today's basically the first day that's cooled down. We're thankful it's only low 80s finally.

GRYFFIN: My parents were talking about that too. They were saying it was like 95 degrees here.

IHM: Like I said, not much of a change from Vegas. Was that your first EDC experience?

GRYFFIN: It was my first one. Well, I guess I've done the other. I did EDC Japan, so I guess the big one really is the Vegas one so I'd consider it my first one. It was freakin' awesome. I always heard that you know EDC is going to be crazy but I didn't really understand it from a production stand point. How many people actually show up and go to it. I don't know. You kind of have to go and experience it to understand how big it is.

IHM: I remember our first time seeing you was at SnowGlobe.

GRYFFIN: That was actually my first live show that I had ever done and it was literally like minus 5 degrees outside. And I'm like trying to play the guitar and I can't even feel my fingers on the fret board. And this is ... if I can make it through this then I can make it through the live shows any where else. Man, it feels like such a long time ago, but I love that festival and I love Tahoe.

IHM: So you play a bunch of instruments. Were you self-taught or how did you learn?

GRYFFIN: Em, well, kind of. I started taking classical piano lessons when I was seven. I played all the way through high school. In that sense, I wasn't self taught. I learned classical music playing Mozart and all that kind of stuff. Maybe when I was 11 or 12 I was getting really into rock music. Ironically Weezer, maybe we'll see them here tonight (at ID10T Music Festival), and that kind of music. I decided I wanted to start jamming, playing guitar and with friends, and that was self taught by just looking online for tabs and videos on how to play guitar and stuff. Then in high school I'd jam around with friends. So that's really where all the music kind of came from. 

Then as I got to college that's when I really started to get into dance music. I remember listening to Daft Punk and Chemical Brothers and that kind of stuff, and I was into it, but it wasn't until I got to school that I got into the big players like Swedish House Mafia, Avicii, when he was coming up. And I remember the first time hearing Skrillex, it was like, “oh my gosh, what is this music?” It's so insane, it's so futuristic sounding, and that's when I decided I should try to make it just for fun.

IHM: Would you go to a bunch of shows?

GRYFFIN: Yeah I did. I would go to the shows at The Shrine, HARD Day of the Dead...

IHM: So basically all these SoCal shows?

GRYFFIN: Yeah.

IHM: And it's pretty awesome, for music, in LA.

GRYFFIN: Yeah it is. For that scene it was bubbling at that time, I mean it still is, but it was cool going to Together As One. I went to Coachella. I remember being at Coachella when DeadMau5 revealed his mask that lit up for the first time. I was in the crowd thinking, "Oh my God, this is insane." That was when I was like, "I want to try and do this." Not as a career necessarily, it was that same mentality as in high school where I just wanted to make music.

IHM: Well you still have White Panda don't you?

GRYFFIN: I'm not part of it anymore. I don't talk about that too much. That was really where everything started, making mash-ups in college. Then I realized I wanted to do more than make sample based music, because, I know how to play instruments. I want to make music and I don't want to just sample stuff. That was how the Gryffin project spawned.

IHM: Gryffin is obviously a play on your name, but does it symbolize anything to you. Are you a big Harry Potter fan?

GRYFFIN: Hahaha, I wasn't at the time but I am now. My girlfriend is a huge Harry Potter fan. And I'm glad I picked the good one, GRYFFINDOR right? It's not like I was Slytherin or anything. But yeah, I based the name off... well it is my last name, but a griffin is a mythical creature. It's majestic, and since it's a half eagle it conveys a lot of flight, uplifting, soaring type of energy themes. That's what I try to do with my music is make it uplifting and beautiful, kind of a sort of floating feeling. That's why I went with this creature, because I love everything that it represents and the mythology behind it. It just felt like a good fit.

IHM: And with your Flight Log mixes, that's perfect.

GRYFFIN: EXACTLY. I'm still trying to figure out the debut name of my EP. I still want to keep the aviation flight theme going so if you guys have any ideas, let me know. I'm going to bring back the Flight Logs this summer actually. I've been getting a lot of flack from fans about it, "it's been a year dude, like come on."

IHM: I've been telling my friends too, "At least he did a Night Owl Radio mix".

GRYFFIN: I did do that! But I want to do another Flight Log because I have a lot of new music I want to put on there. A lot of remixes of the singles and stuff. And that's definitely going to come this summer.

IHM: How far along are you with that EP?

GRYFFIN: It's almost done. So it's three of the singles that have already come out and three brand new singles. I actually played one of them tonight, or a snippet of it. But they're basically done from the production stand point. I got to find a vocalist for one of them.

IHM: How do you go about that? Do you hear a voice and you're like, "I got to have that"?

GRYFFIN: Yeah, at this point in the record, the production and the songwriting is finished. It's just the singer, she's a songwriter and she has no aspirations to be an artist. She just wants to be behind the scenes, which I totally respect, but she's got an amazing voice. It sucks because she sounds amazing on the record. Now I'm trying to reach out and talk with other artists and getting them to take their impression of the song and put their own flavor to it and see if it's the right vibe. So I've been doing a lot of sessions in LA when I'm not on tour. But it's basically done and I'm hoping to put everything out in August.

IHM: So have you started reaching out to people asking them to remix certain songs?

GRYFFIN: Actually, no. Not for the new records. But the 'Feel Good' remix package is coming out next week, which there are some really good remixes out there.

IHM: Do you get in contact with artists or they reach out to you to do a remix?

GRYFFIN: It kind of goes both ways. So half the remix EP was people that reached out to me or cold submitted it and I just loved them. And the other half, I personally asked Crankdat, I personally asked Brooks, and they have really sick remixes.

IHM: Great! So we're here at ID10T fest, and it kind of feels weird that it's comics and music put together. It kind of feels like a segregated crowd.

GRYFFIN: Yeah, it was definitely a bit eclectic. I was talking with Hugo earlier and they were asking me right as I got off if it was alright. And, you guys are right. It is segregated where some people came here for the comedy but others came here for the music. But the fans that came here for the music are fans of all three of us (Gryffin, Jai Wolf, Madeon). 15 minutes into the set I look back to David who's doing video and I'm like, "Yo, this is pretty lit. People are really into this right now." It ended up being... and I didn't want to downplay the festival, but the crowd was awesome and Jai Wolf and I were saying the hospitality's been really good by the festival.

IHM: Jai Wolf is playing right after you. At Lollapalooza you guys are doing an after party together.

GRYFFIN: Hell yeah!

IHM: How does that come about?

GRYFFIN: We’ve been homies for awhile. We have the same agent, and when I was living in New York he was living in Long Island, and I went over to his house several times. We kind of just became friends. That whole crew of Manila Killa, Louis The Child, Jai ... I'm like super tight with all them now. I love seeing them and doing stuff with them.

IHM: You're friends with Brett [Blackman] right? (URL2IRL CEO/founder, mgmt Moving Castle for AOBeats, Manila Killa, SAKIMA, Hotel Garuda)

GRYFFIN: Yes! I love Brett!

IHM: Brett is awesome!

GRYFFIN: He is the man. I'm going to see him in LA. Manila has a show at El Rey Theatre in like a week. I haven't seen Brett in months.

IHM: I'm going to see Manila Killa at The Regency Ballroom on July 8th.

GRYFFIN: Yeah! It's going to be amazing. I love Chris (Manila Killa), dude. I would honestly say he's one of my closest friends out of producers. He's a really good person.

IHM: I love watching him on stage, even when he's not performing. He's a really good hype man.

GRYFFIN: But yeah, Jai [Wolf] and I were briefly talking about what kind of production we wanted for that. It should be a really fun show.

IHM: Can we expect any b2b?

GRYFFIN: I'm going to start off the night, then he'll come on. Depending on how the vibe is we may come on together. We just want to make it a fun vibe because we're homies outside of music.

Gryffin is looking forward to time off next month. He’ll be spending it in the studio working on new music and preparing for his tour this fall. He’s also released an official remix today for Kygo & Ellie Goulding’s First Time, which can be streamed via Spotify, here. Watch the video for his latest original with Illenium, Feel Good, featuring Daya, below.

We had a great time chatting with one of our favorite artists, a versatile songwriter, dexterous musician, and captivating performer. His scintillating live performance in the Mad Decent dance tent at Chris Hardwick’s ID10T Music Festival + Comic Conival was colossal. Thank you, Gryffin!

You can catch Gryffin’s live set at Lollapalooza in August. We’ll be on the look out for further details regarding his tour later this year! 

Gryffin: Website / Facebook / Soundcloud / YouTube / Twitter

[no0dlru]

Arty-Farty Questions for my Arty-Farty Friends

1) Have you ever been moved to tears by a painting / sculpture / work of visual art? What was it? 

Strangely, now I think about it, I haven’t. I felt pretty moved by the art in the Käthe Kollwitz museum (I ended up having to buy a poster to remind me of the visit.)

2) When was the last time you were so engrossed in a book you disregarded something IRL, such as missing a stop on your train? (Bonus, do you remember what was the scene in the book?)

After narrowly missing a train home I sat on the platform reading about measurement techniques in “Drawing Basics and Video Game Art” and very almost didn’t notice when the next one arrived. Also, I’ve been so caught up in Von Himmel Hoch before that I burnt my tea, but generally I don’t read too much.

3) What film would you most love to live inside? (this refers to costumes, set, locations, time period, characters - but you do not have to be constrained by the film’s exact plot)

Uggh oh god umn... I really don’t know.. I need to watch more films.. maybe Moonrise Kingdom because of how damn aesthetically pleasing the whole film is, and the feeling of freedom and innocence, and the costumes, and the part of me that really relates to it all.

4) Architecture - you are allowed to live for one year in any building designed by any architect (it will be made habitable to you, and bills and furnishings will be take care of.) what building (existing or existed) and/or what architect to design a ~dream building~?

I really don’t know enough about architecture to answer this on behalf of myself haha, I’d like for it to be quite modernist and functional. Something quite bauhaus and restrained, but not too big as I’d like to live in solitude. Something concrete that feels like my time in Berlin, but with nice windows to let the light in. Where I live, it’s just hundreds of brick houses. Every day on the way to college I pass a grade II listed 1700s thatched cottage, and opposite it is the one single modern-looking building in the entire town - the police station. Maybe it’s just because I live in such a town and don’t see them for myself, but I really like “ugly” buildings most.

5) What’s your favourite museum in the world?

Again, I don’t think I’m well informed enough to make a decision, but I’d love to try ‘em all and decide then! Of those I’ve visited, maybe the Bauhaus Museum because of how it felt to be so close to so many things I personally liked and I personally found inspiring (even if I had to keep telling my friends “YOU DON’T UNDERSTAND! IT ISN’T JUST A BUNCH OF CHAIRS!” every few steps)

6) An eccentric billionaire has made a bequest: upon your death, a small plaque and a moderate grant will be given to the individual museum, gallery, library or performing arts venue that has made the most positive impact on your creative life. Where will your plaque go?

Part of me wants to say Musée de l'Orangerie - we went here on a French trip when I was about 14 but my group left me behind (I wasn’t friends with the other pupils or the teachers) and I ended up upstairs looking at the portraits. At first I was terrified - on my own, didn’t know any (or enough) French, in a city I didn’t know - but I was just captivated by the paintings, and that was when I realised I didn’t care - all I wanted was to enjoy and appreciate the art for myself, and that’s when I discovered the joy of galleries.

Another part of me, for similar reasons, wants to say AmerikaHaus, Berlin. After visiting the Käthe Kollwitz museum (a close third! They’d probably appreciate it a lot more too..), a photography student (Toby) and I followed a teacher there, but the rest of the class had dispersed. The photography teacher told us he trusted us on our own, so the two of us took our time in the gallery ourselves, talking about what we liked and why, and about the differences and similarities between fine art and photography. We realised we had a lot in common and it was the first time on a trip I got to see a gallery without being rushed, and the first time I could enjoy one with another person. We then had a drink and a meal in the adjoined cafe and I realised how safe, happy and content I felt. It felt like my gallery, my time, my Berlin. It set in that I could really make art my life.

7) Were you taught to play any instruments while you were growing up? (it doesn’t matter if you can’t play them now.) If you could go back and arrange lessons for your child self, what instrument would you have played?

My parents couldn’t afford for me to have lessons, but I was bitterly jealous of everyone in my class that did. I was lucky as my primary school was very musical and I played lots of instruments. Recorder, ukulele, djembe drums and singing were mandatory to some extent (I was part of the choir and loved it!), but we’d let ourselves in the music cupboard at lunch times or after school and I found myself playing xylophone, glockenspiel, trumpet, bagpipes, violin, piano, percussion, and my parents bought me a guitar, but try as I might I couldn’t play it. I have always loved music and I wish my parents could have afforded lessons, because then I could have taken it for GCSE or even at college. I have a keyboard, a violin, my old recorder, an ocarina and an acoustic guitar now, but I can’t play any of them. I would give myself piano lessons, because 1) It would provide the fundamentals for other things and 2) I would love to be a synth player but I can’t play.

8) Do you do any crafts? Knitting, sewing, whittling, metalwork, beading, photography, printmaking, anything you can make yourself?

I do sewing now and then for costumes and cosplays, but if I had a job I’d do it a lot more. Lino prints at college is something I’d love to do a lot at home, maybe as a career, but once again it’s a matter of affording materials. My boyfriend wants to do some smithying and I’d like to help, and as for photography, since the Berlin trip I have wanted a film camera so badly. Damn money!

9) Dance lessons (ballet, tap, contemporary, salsa, it’s all good!) Yes / No / Was Forced But Hated It / Always Wanted To But Wasn’t Allowed?

Yes. Country dancing. I LOVED country dancing. I WISH I could still do it. Only did it up until I was about 8. All my friends did ballet and tap, and I wanted to but mum didn’t let me. I don’t begrudge her that - I don’t think I would have liked it, I just didn’t want to be left out.

10) Do you know any poetry by heart? And if someone really wanted to impress you, what poet or poem would they recite to you?

Unfortunately not. I know a few from The Young Ones and A Bit of Fry and Laurie and stuff, but I feel bad even saying that. I wrote out one of Byron’s poems in Binary once all over a page in my maths book because the similarity between the two words amused me, and I knew that one for a few months because it stuck in my head, but no not really.

Someone could recite almost any poetry and I’d be really impressed, because I’d love to know the kind of person that would do that.

Thanks so much for writing these questions @half-rutter, it’s been really nice to reflect on these things.

[peachy-jy]

ye olde tag game

I was tagged by @got7peaches and I want to know if you came up with the title

(I think this was supposed to be fun and light but it ended up going to a really deep and verbose place so I’m putting it under the cut)

not tagging anyone cuz no one should have to read this lololol fml

how tall are you? 5′6″ and I’m not a fan... short people are cuter what color and style is your hair? red and long and curly what color are your eyes? they’re blue around the edges and green around the pupil and I know that sounds like a description straight out of “my immortal” but no I’m not making this up do you wear glasses or contacts? both but I prefer glasses do you wear braces? never have never will what is your fashion style? I don’t think I really have a “style.” That would require more money than I am willing to spend on clothes. But I love everything Claire wears so... if I could afford Claire’s style and pull it off I would dress like her when were you born? October 22 (burn this date in your mind) how old are you? 24 do you have any siblings? 2 brothers, one older one younger what school/college do you go to? this seems like tmi so I’ll just say I’m in nursing school (as if everyone didn’t know that already I never shut up about it) what kind of student are you? the worst. I’m that asshole who puts in 10% effort and turns in everything late and somehow still does ok what are your favorite subjects? anatomy was super fun (the human body is weird and amazing) but I think my favorite class I’ve ever taken was formal logic (it’s the satisfaction of completing mathematical equations with none of the actual math) what are your favorite shows? 30 rock, parks and rec, the office, community, scrubs... basically good sitcoms with 5+ seasons. I’m also a slut for reality tv (dance moms anyone?) and competition shows (great british bake-off what whaaat) what are your favorite movies? the one I always pick when I have to pick just one is when harry met sally but I am a huge cinephile and I have dozens of favorites so if you’re looking for a movie rec hmu what are your favorite books? my book choices are a lil outdated cuz all I read is fanfic lately lololol but old OLD faves are hitchhiker’s guide to the galaxy, the giver, ready player one, and the hunger games series what are your favorite past times? my favorite past time is collecting past times, getting decently good at them, and then abandoning them. I’ve taught myself to play the ukulele, painting and drawing, niche board games, pottery, baking, the basics of a few languages, and a few video games here and there. The only hobbies that I’ve done consistently for several years are knitting, watching movies (specifically going to the movie theater because you can’t beat that atmosphere tbh), and writing (mostly fanfiction; I haven’t written anything original since high school). do you have any regrets? I wish I had never gone to the second university I attended... I basically wasted three years of my life in a hick town. I was miserable but I learned a lot about myself and also a lot about people and how to not be a shitty one so I guess it wasn’t a total waste. It sure felt like it though. what is your dream job? I wish I had the self-confidence to be a fiction writer full time. If I really worked hard at developing original concepts, I think I could be pretty good at it. Plus I would never have to leave my apartment and I could wear sweatpants 24/7, which is the real dream, let’s be real would you like to get married? where? I kind of flip flop on this one... sometimes I think I’d like it but then again I’m such a loner that I think I would suck at marriage sooo... my brother says I need to find someone who is as smart as me but total shit at something I’m good at, so I can take care of them and feel needed. I don’t know that marriage necessarily needs to be involved... Plus if I ever did get married I’d prob elop or only invite my immediate family sooooo do you want kids? how many? I don’t think I’d want to create life but I’d be 100% down for adopting... then again when my celeb crushes say they want kids I’m all I VOLUNTEER so who can say do you like shopping? If I magically come into extra income then yes. If I’m on a budget, shopping for something I need is like torture. The exception is always make-up/skincare. I buy myself new make-up when I’m sad. how many countries have you visited? 7, all of them European, but one of them was just for a day so I feel like it doesn’t really count. I really want to visit some Asian countries, though. what was your scariest dream? The scariest one that comes to mind was being locked in an office building with office workers and there was a serial killer-type guy in a jigsaw mask who kept turning the lights off and abducting people one by one and disfiguring their faces. No fuckin clue where that came from tbh. I’ve never even seen Saw. do you have any enemies? I’d like to think I don’t? I try really hard to treat everyone well regardless of how they treat me because I like being liked... but honestly there are a few people who hate my guts and won’t meet me halfway to reconcile sooooo yes, I guess I do. I don’t hold it against them, though. If they ever took a moment to see things from my point of view they would realize that I never meant them any harm and I’m just a flawed person, trying my best. But apologies don’t go very far with people who like to hold grudges and feel like the world is against them, so I can’t do anything about that. do you have a boyfriend or girlfriend? I don’t have the energy for that. Right now, having a S/O sounds kind of terrible actually lmao they’re so much work

THIS GOT HELLA LONG I’M SORRY BLAME CLAIRE

Put your music on shuffle and list the first fifteen songs without skipping:

We Hate You Please Die - Crash and the Boys (Scott Pilgrim anyone? no? ok)

Amsterdam - Imagine Dragons (I downloaded the whole album bc I liked Radioactive but I’ve never actually listened to this song)

Green Onions - Booker T & The MG’s (idk don’t ask)

The Curse of Curves - Cute Is What We Aim For (a one hit wonder but I still know every word to this song)

All Alright - Fun.

Classic Rock Medley - The Cat’s Pajamas (a local acapella group from my high school days)

Bellas Final - the Pitch Perfect Soundtrack (ok this plus the last one is making it seem like I’m obsessed with acapella I’m really not)

East West - Herman’s Hermits (...I actually love this band don’t judge me)

Here It Goes Again - Ok Go (say what you will about the song but that video with the treadmills was iconic)

20 Dollar Nose Bleed - Fall Out Boy

Sims Holidaze - The Sims 2 Bon Voyage (I may or may not have the entire collected Sims soundtrack on my ipod...)

Lesson 4 Pronunciation - Rosetta Stone Italian Level 3 (Remember when I was fluent in Italian? yeah me neither)

Whistle (Acoustic) -Blackpink (I like the original better)

Come So Far (Got So Far To Go) - Hairspray soundtrack (ok but this whole soundtrack is a bop I forgot I used to love this)

Mowgli’s Road - Marina & the Diamonds

What have we learned? That hitting shuffle is not at all indicative of a person’s taste in music, but instead exposes their sordid musical past.

[zubelcas-blog]

Final reflection

Before I undertook any CAS activities, I had to become cognizant of my flaws and qualities, what lies ny my nature, and what kind of an action I would never have taken had it not been for CAS. As such, firstly I focused on my psyche. As identified my psychologists that I’m an antisocial type with adhd and a slight aspergers. Despite this, around my peers I always strive to be in the center of attention. After examining my conscience, I must say that out of my school experience, I don’t do my duties diligently, especially those towards others. Hence the biggest challenge for me, was doing service, where my actions are to be about them only. It is the case, because dealing with other people is my biggest weakness. As such I have taken up volunteering at a local allotment housing complex where I could help often elderly pensioners with their daily struggles.

 When it comes to Activity, I focused on myself, thus my choice was an individual sport that is running. The basis of such a choice being the ease of doing the activity itself, yet the challenge was in the planning and being thorough. Which was a new experience, as I had never imposed such a program on myself, I was both a coach and a contestant.

As part of Creativity, I explored my hitherto passion that is music, about which I had already written my Extended Essay, thus a natural flow of things would be to transition from merely listening to music, to making it myself.

               The biggest challenge, and as it soon turned out, the most gratifying, was working at the allotment housing. The gardening community, mainly comprised of elderly people, unbeknownst of my motivation, has given me a lot of trust. First two people who have responded to my initial ad in which I was offering free aid, had quite a bit of distrust and reserve heard in their voice. It was only after doing the first few works, getting to know me, that I was asked for noticeably more help. As a growing token of trust I was being given increasingly important jobs, and even keys to people’s gardens. In addition to these works, I got to talk to these people, who sometimes treated me a bit like they would their step grandson. As old people, they’d keep repeating the same tales, but it made me ever more patient. Initially it was a bit irritating, but I withheld my own need to talk, and for once I wasn’t the center of attention.

               Stories of this generation are completely alien to me. Their everyday issues, such as diseases, medication, pensions, are all problems that haven’t yet been relevant to my life. As time went on, with authentic attention I’d listen to what they had to say. I can safely state, that I found some kind of empathy in myself, not solely stemming from the fact that some of these people are not long for this world, but rooted in respect to their lives.

               From my observation it would seem that these elderly people are often poor and lonely. This loosely knit group is often the second, sometimes sadly the only family they have. There were also cases where I’d know from word of mouth that someone has been estranged by their family because of their own doing. It wasn’t my goal to actively seek into their past, but it got me thinking. If someone was a bad human being, are they now but an old bad human being, or just an old human being? Do they deserve help because they are lonely, even though they have deserved it? I had to cut out all this pondering and theory making, as I felt not competent enough to judge their life decisions, as such I

would help anyone no matter the gossip. But now it’s got me thinking, that I may have helped some people that I normally wouldn’t have helped had it not been for the fact that they’re old.

Integration of the whole allotment community that I participated in whilst organizing the community gardener’s day, is in my opinion a much needed thing, as it draws people closer, and above all, it is beneficial to the eldest, for whom this day is often more cherished than Christmas. As time went on, my computer skills have also proven useful, as it turned out, people who have lived through a world war and communism, have been beaten by technological progress. In cooperation with the administration, I created, and since manage the official e-mail of the complex. I send email to different institutions, download and print new acts and laws. I noticed that despite how tough it is already for these people, its them who are expected to adapt to the world, not the other way around. More and more services are only available online. When I first offered my help, as a child brought up in a digital world, I had wrongly presumed that they’d need only the power of my muscle. It hadn’t even crossed my mind that someone would be more able to burrow a garden than to “google” something.

                 I’m surprised that my work for the gardens whether taking the trash out or writing some mails, has been met with such appreciation, I got a lot of thanks, and even a postcard for Christmas. It was maybe 10% of my free time, and things that come naturally to me, but as it would seem, I have done 100% of what was expected of me. These two years have proven that when providing help, the thing of utmost importance, is to listen to the needs of the receiver.

               As Activity, I just ran, which wasn’t that easy in and of itself. Till then I’d only run only when I felt like it. Running comes naturally to me, but only on long distances, this being the case due to my thin posture -173 cm/53kg, practically the same as top Kenyan or Ethiopian marathon runners. This time in order to prepare for a run I had to create a training schedule. Above all I wanted to break my natural laziness and chaotic behavior. Get a grip on natural expression, and impose certain actions. Of course the plan was based on internet articles, it included running in set intervals, jog and sprint in turns. Planned running, required an insane amount of self-discipline, I’d practically run with a clock in my hand. Such running was void of romanticism, there was no time to put a foot after foot with no care in the world. I have verified my goals, and understood that it isn’t my intention to improve my running technique, maximize my efficiency, and minimize mistakes, but to run for pleasure – I do it because I like doing it. The point is to feel the bliss of it, fatigue and an imperfect technique are a part of my way to do it. I chose pleasure over a strict training, that, granted, would increase my performance, but this regime takes the fun away. Of course I haven’t ceased running, I also haven’t dragged myself into the mass culture of modern day running. Where image of a runner is more important than how far you are able to run, the big sports companies are actively fiending on amateur runners. Sports’ portals, companies, personal trainers keep telling you that to achieve success you need a certain pair of running shoes, breathing sweatshirts and accessories. And with all the ever present smartphone applications that deprive runners of liberty. They tell them when to stop, because they ran the daily quota, inform when to go for a run as you haven’t done that in x hours. Worst of all, they make some people run just for attention in the social media, by publishing screenshots with the amount of kilometers ran. Within the society of parrot-like dressed runners, wearing a plain white t shirt is viewed as lame. All in all, I have not revolutionized my running lifestyle, but I have seen the other side of the coin, and the culture of new age runners that I don’t want to have anything in common. That’s why I don’t partake in mass organized runs, I only run when I have free time and the will to do so. Changing my approach to running to that organized and scheduled one, was the hardest part of my activity experience. It required me to change my running habits, which I was able to do, but what I wasn’t able to change is my approach to running, for I see it as a goal, and these articles, as well as these afore criticized runners see it as a tool only.

 Since mid-2015, I’ve been producing some music, As I already established, for instance by writing an extended essay on the topic of AAVE, my music taste, especially at that time, consisted mostly of hip hop. So it was only natural, that by extension, I’d take up digital music production, given how most hip hop instrumentals are done this way. This is akin to someone who’s into rock music, starting to play guitar. Now initially, it really was just mindless tinkering, for the fact that the learning curve is very steep, what translates to the fact that just to get a grip of the basics on using a given program, one has to sink in tens of hours. People take literal courses just for that, I took the self-taught route, with my DAW (digital audio workstation) of choice being FL Studio. I had never really engaged myself in any downright and entirely creative activities. This took a toll on my judgment, taught me a lesson or two. I’ve had it happen to me again and again, where, having spent hours on a particular beat or just a sliver of a sound, I would go to sleep tired but satisfied, thinking that I’ve just made something of value, play it back the next day and drown in frustration. I’m fairly certain that any amateur producer has experienced this. But the lesson is broader, it above all was a humbling experience. I was taught that creative work is subjective in essence. Just as I’ve found out the hard way that creative processes need the maker to be “in the zone”. I can’t just sit to it on any given day. It has to be THAT day. I finally understood why in Hollywood movies, there’s a stereotype of a writer who rents a house on the countryside, often abroad, away from the noise and commotion. For that reason, filling an hour grid is impossible in nature. I was also taught that beauty indeed is in the “ear” of the beholder. As there have been times when I would send a piece to a friend, asking “how bad is it?”, only to have them reply “it’s fantastic”. Initially, my plan was to create a beat mixtape in a rather grimy boom bap style, but since then my overall direction has changed tides numerous times. When you produce something, you have to live it. The way I listen to the music itself has altered thanks to this venture. Weird as it may come off, I no longer do it for the pleasure only. It has become quite a grueling experience, that’s about deciphering a composition, the nitty-gritty of how something was made sound the way it does. It wouldn’t be a stretch to say that every time I listen to music I engage in a creative process, via reverse engineering so to speak. Ask me 5 years ago what’s a chord, I wouldn’t be able to tell. It’s a drastic statement, but it encapsulates the creative part of personal growth that I’ve gone through over the past three years. As such, I’ve undertaken a new challenge, and shown enough perseverance over the years to pull through and grow in the areas that I’ve always wanted to.

[jonathanleesink]

I am not afraid anymore

Originally posted on July 7, 2016

How many of you had dreams as a little kid of being a rock star, a painter, or maybe an author, an actress, or a poet? When I was a child I loved music class and art class. Today, I am a grown man, and I’m here to tell you that I still love music and art, and still want to be a rock star. I am forever grateful to be the father to two amazing kids. I have an eight year old daughter and a three year old son. Being able to see their creativity is refreshing and clean. Nothing has tampered their mind to distort what they want to create. They haven’t had to deal with the struggles of addiction, or substance abuse…just pure innocence and wild imaginations with no limits.

As a child I was always attracted to the arts…whether it be music, visual art, film…really anything. I was drawn to how the youth counter-cultures used the arts to express themselves. At my core I was a kid who loved punk-rock, hip-hop, and all of the cultural elements of those lifestyles. While this was me deep inside, I had an incredibly hard time expressing it on the outside. I got comfortable dancing on the line of “socially-accepted freak”. You know what that is, right? As time goes on, society becomes more accepting of what is tolerable in terms of freakness. For instance, thirty years ago tattoos and colored hair were for no good punk rockers. Today, your grandma might have a tattoo and a pink stripe in her hair. So, I found comfort in hanging out just past the societal standard of the time….but not too far past that line.

While I was attracted to the arts, and found them fascinating…my anxiety and self-consciousness kept this part of me hidden away pretty much through adolescents and young adulthood. A few years back, I treated myself to a really nice acoustic guitar, and convinced myself I was going to learn to play the damn thing. I practiced every night, teaching myself from YouTube videos. I kept this hidden for a about a year, only my wife and kids knew of my guitar playing. I wanted it this way because I was afraid of failure, or being known as a quitter. So I busted my ass learning guitar, and eventually I felt somewhat comfortable to play in front of others. I cannot tell you how big of a deal this was for me.

So a lot of people think catching a buzz or getting high will give them the creative juices to be the next Andy Warhol or Kurt Cobain. Who knows? Maybe it will. For me, alcohol didn’t make my creative endeavors any better, they just temporarily made me more comfortable sharing them with the world. At this present moment in my life my creative juices are at an all time high completely sober. I currently play guitar and have started writing songs, I play drums in a newly formed band, I enjoy painting in unconventional manners, I capture my family’s moments in time with my mad Instagram skillz, and I started writing THIS blog! I am doing all of this, and I am doing it and sharing it while being 100% sober…not to mention my confidence to share with you is through the roof.

For years I often thought it would be neat to have a blog. I have many thoughts and opinions, and I thought being able to share them could be cool. I could never muster up the courage to go through with it though because of a combination of a lack of confidence in myself and I didn’t want to come across as being full of myself. Alcohol is a funny thing. People consume it to be more courageous, including myself. However, since I gave up alcohol I have realized that it actually held me back on the things that mattered most. A couple beers could temporarily help me let my guard down in order to talk with somebody important, but it didn’t help me express who I am…creatively, spiritually, or intellectually.

So, this blog. I love this thing. I love writing. Who knew? I certainly did not. This is the cool thing about having a clear head for an extended period of time. You learn stuff about yourself, even at the ripe age of thirty-nine. Like I said earlier, I have always been drawn towards music and art…and I have taken steps to embody those art forms in one capacity or another. But writing? Not once did I considered being a writer of any kind, let alone a blogger on sobriety. According to my small reader base, some are actually enjoying reading this thing…and that is straight-up cool.

People of all ages get intimidated to express their creativity. They either don’t have the confidence, or are afraid of what real artists or musicians would think. Here’s the thing. I have zero training in painting, photography, graphic design, video production, guitar (except four 30 minute lessons), drums, or writing. I am an amateur at all of these things. But don’t let that hold you back. Technology allows us to get to a wealth of information very quickly. I am self taught in basically all creative outlets I have explored…which are quite a few. Find something you want to learn or become good at, do your research, figure it out. Who cares if you are not doing it the textbook way, or about correct process and structure? Break the norm, that’s what makes art fun…doing something different than how theysay it is supposed to be done. Just decide you want to create something…step out of your comfort zone and do it. I promise you…you won’t regret it and you will love how it makes you feel.

I have a little over four months of sobriety under my belt with wide open possibilities, and I am not afraid anymore. For me creatively, I want to continue to become a better musician, artist, and writer. Who knows? Maybe I’ll record some music, or write a book. Maybe that sounds crazy to some, but why should it? I have nothing to lose…I have a creative mind, motivation, inspiration, and a sober mind and body. I am not afraid anymore. When I made myfirst blog post a couple months ago, that was HUGE! That was terrifying, but I did it and I am now stronger and braver for it. Creating things is where I find peace with my anxiety, peace with my sobriety, and peace with myself, and I am not afraid anymore.

Now, about that book…. ;)

Because I am not afraid anymore.

This blog post was the finale of a three part series of the areas of my life that sobriety is having the biggest impact on. Health body, healthy mind, and healthy creativity.

[music-of-silence]

Great for self-taught students Great book. I took lessons growing up as a child and recently took a year worth of college lessons but since than I've been self-taught. I haven't gotten too far into the book but already I have identified the problems in my own playing such as the lack of versatility in my left hand and struggles with proper fingering in both hands. This book is wonderful for identifying where the student needs work on as well as helping them fix it by requiring both hands and all ten fingers to participate equally in the exercises. Go to Amazon

Great Book I believe that this Hanon book should be recommended to everyone who want to play the piano. This book allowed me to prepare and warm up my fingers before each piano session; therefore, allowing me to learn quicker through the recognition of patterns presented in the book. Not only that, but my fingers are getting stronger and my sight reading is getting much better. Go to Amazon

and I was very pleased to own the digital edition instead of lugging around ... I bought this for teaching, and I was very pleased to own the digital edition instead of lugging around print books to lessons. Go to Amazon

Great book for aspiring pianist! A very good book for someone with 1-2 years of piano lessons! Recommended for my children by their piano teacher. It definitely contains many of the songs that you'd expect a well-rounded pianist to know. Go to Amazon

Public domain but nice to have the book You can actually download and print this sheet music because it's public domain now. But it's nice having it in a book so you don't have pages scattered all over the place. The price isn't going to kill you, and it's nice to have this essential workbook for piano players new and old. Go to Amazon

Hubby asked for it! He once played the piano and the organ, for church services. Then he ignored playing for nearly 40 years. We refurbished his old piano, and he tackled it. His 73 year old fingers have begun to get some of their old groove back by playing the exercises in this book. A wonderful gift of music that he wants to revive. The exercises are basically scales, played in all sorts of ways. The spiral binding lets it lie flat on the music stand. It's a new reprint of an old favorite...just read the introductory matter, which harks back to the early 1900's in literary style. Go to Amazon

The Best Piano Exercise Book I've Tried For various reasons, I've had to give up on the idea of formal piano instruction. Making a go of it on my own, I felt that buying a collection of instructive manuals in technique, music reading, drills (scales and arpeggios) and general piano would be the best way to teach myself. After considering Czerny and Hanon for the drills portion, I ultimately bought this comprehensive book. I have been very satisfied. The exercises are carefully laid out and are explained in some detail. The author offers plenty of (pretty strict) advice for making the exercises as productive as possible. As advertised, the exercises are staggered in such a manner that running through two or three or more of them in succession does not unduly fatigue the hands and fingers. In fact, after covering several exercises, my hands actually feel quite invigorated. I've also found that when I come back to a set of exercises after just a day or so, I'm able to get through them in a very quick and facile manner. Honestly, I feel better at the keyboard and I think I sound better. So far, though, I have to say that for all that, the exercises are dreadfully boring. Well, that's to be understood, however, since they are exercises, so I went ahead and gave the book five stars. Promise yourself to play something lively and fun after you plunk at these exercises for a half hour or so, and listen as your playing begins to even out and your hands take you to musical places you've never been before. Hanon works for me, it should work for you, too! Go to Amazon

A Matter of Preference After all these years Hanon, in my opinion, is still as good as any for it's purpose:improving and maintaining finger agility, independence and strength. I like the spiral bound version because it lays flat on its own during use, but in my experience I had pages tear out with extended use over time. Here the gummed spine has seemed to excel. Though the gummed spine version must be propped open to maintain your place, therefore deterring rapid turning of pages as can be done with the spiral bound, I've had no loss of pages (except the front cover) after more than twenty years of regular use. I do hold a slight preference for the print type used in the classical (gummed) version, but that's probably due to familiarity derived from greater use. Go to Amazon

This is a great text for learning technical skills Best exercise book Great price! Valuable in moderation absolutely amazing how much finger strength I gained Five Stars The content of the book is great. But the Kindle edition is embarrassing Classic NO GOOD FOR ME Five Stars