#but i will probably share bits on here

[potatoisvibing]

wake up babe new fic in the works

[atompalace-official]

[biblically-accurate-dca]

substitute

[ohitslen]

Something other about his eyes

Bonus! Based on this quick thing I did this afternoon and the idea took a bit more shape and turned into that thing from above uEK

[lunarharp]

What led to this (orufrey comic, cw an uncomfortable/creepy scene)

[thechosenthree]

[deoidesign]

quick traditional piece for fun ^^

[ancha-aus]

Ghosts & Medium AU Drabble - Moon Ritual

Not the drabble idea i mentioned before but one I wanted to write quickly :3

I am sure you can guess who this one is about :3 It is time for the gang to summon and meet Nightmare.

*----------------------------*

Dust checks the circle he had been drawing before leaning back. Still not quite right. Damnit. This is a hard design to get right. He rubs some of the chalk away and starts with making the design again.

Cross, or well Killer in Cross's body, leans over his shoulder "Dusty!! I am bored! are we done here yet?" and he leans against Dust's back.

Dust freezes and notices that Killer is letting a hand wander. Dust hits backwards and hits the other in his face. Killer backs up wiht a groan and dsut glares over his shoulder "Stop trying to molest me every five minutes." and he turns back to his circle.

He fucking hopes this works. Otherwise Dust is not sure how to get Killer to unsync from Cross's body.

Cross floats near him. still hiding his face "I am so sorry." Dust just shrugs as he keeps working on the circle.

Ash glares at where Killer lays holding his skull groaning "You are a disappointment and a waste of life force and soul energy." Ash nods and floats towards Dust's side.

Dust tries to focus on the circle but hears Horror gently tell Killer to not bother Dust when he is working. That distracting Dust could end up getting him hurt.

Dust checks his notes again before looking back at the circle. It seems right...

Cross looks over his shoulder and tilts his skull "It is unlike any demon summoning circle i have ever seen before..."

Dust hums "It shouldn't." It wasn't a demon summoning circle at all after all. All the symbols and texts he had found decribed this being as a Fallen. Which can be read in different ways.

But Dust reasoned a demon wouldn't be called a Fallen. especially not a powerful demon. So he skipped the whole standard set up and worked from scratch.

Whichc is why it took him a while to get this one ready but it should work!

Of course Dust hasn't been able to test the ritual he made just yet and it isn't like you can really practise rituals safely. The whole summoning a being makes that a bit complicated.

Dust sighs as he steps back from the circle and nods. That is the best he can make it with his limited supplies.

Dust walks to the side and starts making a larger containment and shelter circle around the ritual circle. Best to make sure that whoever he summons is protected. It would be useless to summon someone only for them to die or get destroyed by say the very air.

Ash frowns as he checks the circle himself "You didn't specify which type of being you are summoning."

Dust shrugs "I don't know for sure what it is." He has ideas but if he puts in the wrong species he may just make the circle blow up on him. He can know, it happened before.

Ash frowns at it before floating to his side again "Make sure to add a desummon symbol just in case you can't make a deal and need to get rit of it."

Dust nods "Will do." He makes sure to put the desummon sigil between the containment circle and the shelter circle. Making sure the shelter one is the most outwards one and the being can't reach through the containment one to mess with the desummon sigil.

Once finished he checks all the marks and sigils before nodding as he walks back to the spot he had been preparing for himself. He checks his own protection circle and makes sure to prepare an antimagic shield as well. Ready to be activated when he wants it to.

Well. That is all the preparations he can do for this.

Well...almost. he turns towards the ghosts and actual person following him around "I am going to do the ritual. I need everyone, ghosts included, to stay within this circle." It will be a bit snug but he didn't feel like it was a good idea to experiment with hsi protection circle right before summoning an unknown being.

Horror frowns at him "Will you be okay? Takes a lot of magic."

Dust nods "I am fine."

Horror still looks deeply unhappy "But you skipped breakfast and lunch for this... shouldn't you eat before doing this?"

Dust shrugs as he walks towards the safe spot "I will be fine." and it isn't like he got the fonds to buy something at the moment. He needs to make the little he have last longer for as long as he can.

He just does not want to try to do another job and have Killer invite another ghost along. Nothing against Horror, he is very nice and behaves while being helpful, but he does not want another ghost anchored to his soul. There are already three now and Dust does not want to figure out what happens to a soul if too many beings use it as anchor.

He enters the circle and a moment later Killer is hugging him from behind. Dust glares "Killer!" fuck Cross's body is very warm and solid. That guy may be a priest but you would think he is a soldier or fighter or something with how strong he is.

Killer just hums as he tugs his skull and face right by Dust's neck and shoulder "What is wrong my bunny? I am in the circle aren't I?" Dsut can hear the grin in his voice. Then Killer hums happily "mmmh.... so warm and you smell so nice."

Dust glares and wiggles a bit but he is very stuck "You are fucking weird. Let go now. I need my arms for this."

Killer moves his arms around and he is now hugging Dust's lower middle and has his hands on his hips.

Dust uses his newly freed arm to hit Killer in the middle wiht his elbow. Fucking hell what the fuck does Cross EAT?! That guy's body is fucking all muscle and that is fucking impressive for an actual skeleton. How much trianing does it take for a skeleton's passive magic to be that strong and trained?!

Killer groans but finally lets go.

Dust glares at him "Back of the circle or so help me I am kicking you out and let whatever i summon do whatever with you."

Cross yelps and flaots closer "wait! Dust! Please don't! That isn't Killer's body remember!" he looks begging at him.

Dust sighs and nods. He knows. Which is why he hasn't done much more damage to the stupid flirt.

Talking and thinking about that stupid flirt. Killer lays on the ground by his legs and winks "I don't mind you on top of me Dusty. Just had to ask and I am happy to provide~"and he winks again!

Dust swears he sometimes wonders if there is just something in Killer's sockets which makes him wink this much!

Dust sighs and checks if all the ghosts are near as well. Everyone seems fine so he holds up his hands and concentrates. He knows that the blue in his eye light lights up. colouring all the circles first blue.

Dust lets his magic explore the circles and what to do where. Once he has a good feeling for it he concentrates and any blue turns a violet colour.

Dust mutters some old spells from long ago. They don't do anything but they help him concentrate his magic. Ways to make it easier to use the magic.

The summon circle lights up purple and Dust waits. He knows Ash is holding his breath.

Then it turns bright cyan and flames seem to rise form the circle. Dust pulls his own magic back as the summoning circle has been activated.

Ash shudders as he glides close to Dust's shoulder "that.... is very powerful... what exactly are you summmoning again?"

Dust feels his soul fill with anxiety. Maybe this was a bad idea... He glances around and sees that everyone seems troubled. Killer is shaking and has taken to holding Dust close against his front. Arms locking him in place but this time Killer doesn't even seem to be trying to sneak a feel. Just holding him close. Dust can feel Killer's soul shivering and shuddering agianst his own back.

Horror seems close to hyperventilating as he seems to hold his own middle. Staring in front of him and his other hand seems to be worrying his headwound.

Cross is straight up shaking and muttering things to himself. looking close to a panic attack.

Then Dust remembers it, something specific in the notes he took. he grabs his notebook and starts searching for the right pages.

A being that brings negativity. It finds your weakness and exploids it for its own amusement.

Is this being causing this?

"Dust?"

It has to be right?

"Dust!"

But then it would be strong enough to already affect people without really having to be present!

"Dust!!"

Dust glares at Ash "What I am thinking." Obviously!

Ash points and Dust turns only to freeze.

There is a being made of someking of black goo. It is dripping in the circle and staring right at them with one shining glowing cyan eye.

Staring.

Waiting.

Dust quickly checks his notes. It isn't a fae so the fact the others said his name shouldn't matter. It is a being which thrieves on emotions and-

oh.

Dust closes his sockets and takes afew deep breaths. Mind over matter.

He is fine.

He prepared for this.

This thing can't hurt him.

He is okay.

His soul calms downa dn with it so do his emotions.

He looks at the others "Calm down. They won't be able to get to us." his feet is right by the activation symbol for the magical shield. HE doesn't think this is magic and so won't waste it right now. "It gets its powers from negative emotions. probably is causing them too. chill."

Ash looks at him and nods. He concentrates and obviously calms down. Dust knows his brother well and his brother knows him. Ash knows Dust wouldn't say that unless he is very sure.

Cross looks unsure but floats closer to Dust before calming a bit. seemingly trusting Dust to know what he is saying.

Hah. Dust hopes so.

Killer frowns at him and just pulls him closer. He clearly still doens't trust it and that is fine. as long as he remains calm and collected... which Dust knows is too mcuh to ask of Killer because it is Killer but Dust puts that out of his mind.

horror is harder to calm down just because Dust doens't know Horror that well but it seems Horror had been watching them already. Dust speaks calmly "Nothing you feel is what you feel really. It is just them doing this." Dust hopes. He isn't sure if this being can actually physically make their fake pains real but his shielding should protect them from it. It is too protect against harm after all.

Horror frowns but nods and pulls away from the wound and his middle.

Okay. Okay. He got this.

"Impressive. Waht gave it away that it was fake?"

Dust is shocked by this being's voice. It is deep and calm. The eye seems amused but Dust isn't sure how to ready this being just yet.

His growing and forming migraine isn't helping either. It is getting almost painful to concentrate on them. And Dust knows it is because this is a strong creature. Almost like his body tries to warn him when he gets near something too powerful for him to handle.

This being is much too powerful for him to have summoned. Oh shit.

The being tilts its head as it continues to look at him.

Right! It had asked a question.

Dust considers not answering them but if he wishes for them to break the bonds keeping Killer stuck in Cross's body he needs to have abit of a positive standing.

So. Chitchat.

Dust shrugs "Looked through some stuff... it mentioned you are connected to emotions and bonds made with those. Not specifically harming others at a distance."

The being nods as it looks abck to the circles "Interesting circles. I never seen any like them before. Usual people try the more..." they smirk "Traditional circles to get me. You know the ones. sacrifices."

Dust frowns as he looks to the side "Fucking idiots is what those people are. Why use does something that uses emotions have of something dead?"

The thing's smirk grows and they nods "Very true. Rather unimpressive and does not do well to impressive someone. For that matter. You have my attention. What did you wish of me... Dust was it?"

Dust nods "It still is." he rubs his notebook "I want to make a deal."

They grin and purr as they speak "Of course you do. What would you need of me?"

Dust points with his thumb over his shoulder to Killer "There is a poltergeist in this body that should not be in it. I want him out of this body so the original spirit who the body belongs to can enter it again."

The being tilts his skull again before focussing their sight on Killer. Dust can hear Killer start to growl and feel his grip on himself tighten.

The other looks amsued "You sure? He seems very fond of you."

Dust makes sure to look unimpressed and keep his voice deadpan "That is the problem. As spirit he is a lot easier to ignore. Now he is mobile and can cause property damage."

The being chuckles as they look at them all. Their magic glowing and reaching but the shield does its work and keeps them out. Dust raises a brow and the other smiles innocently "Can't blame me for trying." then a moment later as he looks thoughtful "huh... interesting."

Cross sounds nervous "what is?!"

The other looks amused "What exactly caused you to.... have your body... borrowed?"

Cross looks embarrassed as he crosses his arms. Yeah no. Dust does not have time for this. "The spirit was first anchorred to me. I asked Cross to remove said anchor. His ritual went wrong and this is the new situation."

The other chuckles as they shake their head "Of course it didn't work. You did a trade ritual."

Dust stops. So THAT is why the ritual circles had looked weird! Cross looks panicked "waht is that?! It can't have been... I used a ritual from old priest scrolls!"

the other nods "Yeah that would do it. It used to be the only way priests could get dmeons and spirits out of the victims bodies or away from them. By offering a trade. instead of just feeling parts of alive or temporary possessing they would offer their own bodies for the spirit. Giving the spirit a much better place to reside and live instead of the victim." more amsuement "of course... the priests using this also made sure to eat and drink holy to make sure that while their body was a free ride it also became a deathtrap."

Cross looks beyond alarmed "I didn't know that! Dust!!"

Dust holds up his hands "You came to me with that ritual. How was i suposed to know what it did?"

Cross waves his hands "You always know stuff about rituals!"

Dust groans but looks at the other being "Can you fix it?" because that is the real question.

The other seems to think for a moment. tap their chin before making a so-so motion "I may have a solution but it isn't what your friend probably wants. I can not undo the ritual completely but i can change it. I can make it that the poltergeist is no longer the holder and owner of the body."

Cross is already nodding but Dust frowns "What would happen if we did that route?"

They look amused "It means that his body? Becomes more of an... open territory, at least temporary. It means that if the spirit is strong enough and stubborn enough they can claim the body for a while to inhabit. the exact limits depends on the spirit and the body."

Cross sputters "You mean! My body becomes like a... a... rental?!"

the other stops and seems to think it over before nodding "In a way. Eventually your body and spirit should recover enough themselves to make it so you are anchored to your own body again. That is usually how the priests regained full control themselves after destroying the being they trapped. They would stay on holy ground to make sure no spiritis challenged their claims over their body. but that is all i can do."

Dust frowns "would cross need to be the only one in his body for that to work?" if that is the case they would need to get to the chapel real soon after Killer got evicted.

The other shakes his head "Not specifically. He would get his claim over his body back faster if he stayed on holy ground but even on neutral ground as someone else possesses him his body would know this is not the spirit that is suposed to be in it. and eventually kick it out. again, when this happens depends on the spirit and body themselves."

Dust frowns. meaning. Cross will eventually regain his full body control but it would take time. Killer, or any spirit for that matter, could possesses him and gain control over Cross's body. Leaving his spirit out of it. This would stay this way until either Cross can repossess himself over the spirit's control, or until cross's body realises the problem itself and kick out the uninvited guest.

He looks at Cross "Can you live with that?"

Cross seems to think before nodding.

Cool. at least this ritual and the near mental or emotional breakdowns weren't for nothing. Dust turns back to the being "What would you want in return for payment?"

The being hums and grins "a favor?"

Dust glares "No."

The being sighs but doens't sound disappointed or surprised "Can't blame me for trying." then he looks at them again. clearly in thought.

They nod and smile "I want a very specific thing. An artifact I lost a while ago. I want you. To find it and bring me to it so i can reclaim it."

Dust raises a brow "So you wnat me to find it and summon you near it?"

The other smirks and shakes his skull "I want you to make haste to find it. So i will remain here in this realm as you search it. the deal is completed as soon as i have it back in my possession. and then any debt is repayed."

Dust stands there and groans "Are you fucking kidding me!?" he covers his skull as he just hangs his head in his hands.

Killer holds him clsoer "Dusty? what is wrong?"

Ash however is cursing as well as he figured it out too.

Dust glares "I already HAVE three spirits stuck to me! Two of which who werne't invited! Why would i add another one to that!?"

The other smiles as he crosses his arms "that is my price."

Dust glares "I am not even sure if i can savely make another anchor. This is too high risk." not to forget he doesn't even know if this being needs a stronger connection or takes more magic to be here. Dust only has so much energy and magic.

The being waves it off "I wouldn't be anchored to you. I would be anchored to the very concept of our deal. The reason I would be here and be able to stay would only be because of the deal. the deal is completed? I will return to my realm and you would be debtfree."

Dust frowns as he thinks it over. okay at least not another anchor. he frowns "What if i can't get the artifact?"

The other being smirks "the debt would remain. but i am not unfair. sometimes people can still complete tasks from beyond the grave and i am patient."

Dust frowns "what is even the artifact?"

The being smiles "Why would you need to know?"

Dust glares "I would need to know if i need to find it."

the being considers it before nodding "It is an artifact normally used for rituals connected to the god of destruction."

Dust thinks for a moment before his sockets widen. He may have a clue... He knows that the cults have been obsessed with a god of destruction.

Dust nods "Okay. you break the bond now. and in trade i help you get to that artifact." Ash looks unsure but clearly trusts him tom know what he is doing.

The being smiles as he holds out a hand. it glows cyan "So. we have a deal?"

Dust nods "We have a deal." he exits the protective circle and goes to the very edge of the containment circle.

They stare at each other.

the being smirks as they hold out a hand "I. Nightmare. King of negativity agree to the terms of the prediscussed deal. which consists that i will remove the spirit stuck in Cross's body and remove the claim it has under it. In return Dust will assist in the search of the artifact used in rituals of the destroyer. once this artifact is foudn the deal is complete and will be done."

Dust takes a deep breath as he raises his hand and covers it with his own magic aura. only a soft weak violet light compared to the fluorescent blue that the being, Nightmare, gives off.

They shake hands and Dust can see the magic settle on his own hand and a small cyan mark on his hand. it is shaped like a moon.

He takes his hand back and Nightmare steps out of the circle "Very good circle work. I look forwards to working with you." Nightmare walks right over to Killer in Cross's body.

Killer glares but Nightmare does not look impressed. He grabs the soul and motions towards the soul. the soul turns cyan blue and Nightmare pulls his arm and hand back.

Dust watches as the soul is forcefully removed ffrom Cross's body and Kilelr's spirit follows it.

Cross's body goes limp as Nightmare holds Killer away from the body. a small line of red connecting the two. Nightmare grabs the line and snaps it.

Cross gapss and dives back into his own body.

Ngihtmare releases both Cross and Killer and crosses his arms.

Cross taps and checks his own body before falling to the ground "oh fuck... fuck i am me. Dust! Dust thank you so much!"

Ngihtmare looks amsued "It will take time before spirits can't easily possess you anymore. I would skip making or doing rituals for a while."

Killer pouts and floats over to Dust and pouts at him "But dusty. Now i can't join you in bed anymore."

Dust glares "You weren't welcome to begin with."

okay.

okay!

Cross's body situation is mostly sorted or will be sorted over time.

Which just leaves. getting Killer and Horror disconnected from him.

Maybe after this deal is complete he can discuss with Nightmare about other deals to unanchor both of them.

For now! Best repay the debt before he adds to it...

Time to do some more reading and research on this cult of destruction.

[skitty-kirby]

Decided to take a small break from Art Fight (combination of sudden bad internet connection + slight burnout) so I made a little midnight shitpost to not get rusty hhhh So here we got more shenanigans: -Skitty is deeply afraid of spiders, her friend Scarlette owns a pet tarantula named "Helix" that she likes to tease her with. RIP those support beams. And my understanding of perspective LMAO -Blade does absolutely speak in keysmash. :^) -Did I ever tell y'all about the time I had an OCxCanon ship of my own? Except the only OC I had almost 11 years ago during my early DeviantArt days was Skitty and uh. Yeah. While it's obviously not canon anymore, it's still something I like to poke fun at every now and then. xD

[nervocat]

Leona Headcanons (that is basically me projecting onto him with some things from my cat as well)

Leona has a gummy smile

He has a very expressive tail. It rests when he rests, but when he's focused on smth it'll swish from side to side and depending on the topic, it'd also thump on a bed for example

He bites his lips a lot. He picks at them more in private, but biting is smth he does whenever and since he's got chapped lips so he always gets something off

If he considers you close to him, some part of him has to be touching you. Like his tail, or he'd sit close to you to touch shoulders in a more private setting

Leona likes bird watching. It's a time where his tail could theoretically thump on a wall he's leaning on if he is, but watching them helps take his mind off things. He's watched them enough to at least know the bird species if you ask

He fidgets with his clothes sometimes

He isn't aware of it, but he seeks approval from others. It's rlly only with the ppl he's close with like Ruggie that he does, but considering how he grew up, it's a possibility

He has a bit of a rough tongue, being a lion and whatnot

(I'll reblog this post when I add more to this bc ik I will)

★ — © nervocat || I appreciate any reblogs made, and pls don't repost or translate my works anywhere, ty — ✦

[pastelpousay]

Sketches I did in the past week

HELP IGNORE HOW BAD SOME IF THESE ARE BUT YEAAAAA ANYWAYS LOOK AT HADES AND OUR BABIESSSS AOKSSMMSM

Taglist: @re3tro0 @delicatestringbean @persephoneflowerpetals @maddieinheaven @glacier-alchemist @.dreamwinged

[moderntimeadventure]

Wizard kids timeskip

[skrunksthatwunk]

you go to a lesbian blog and find it says women only!! no men allowed!!! and go oh! excuse me, um, what about other lesbians? plenty of lesbians are genderqueer... and they go well, okay, go fuck yourself tim chop off your sweaty dick and stop calling yourself a lesbian. you do not have a dick, actually. you think about that fact often, even though it does you no good. you do not tell this person that.

you go to another lesbian blog and it says women only and you try again, and this time they change it to wlw + nblw only (non-men who love non-men :D). and you'll say hey i appreciate that but gender's not really that cut and dry for a lot of people. someone could be both a man and nonbinary, for instance. i just worry that you're looking at nonbinary as a generic third gender, or an extension of womanhood. i mean yeah you include nblw in your tags but all your posts are about pussy-havers exclusively. what's with that? and they say go fuck yourself you pervy man pretending to be a lesbian. you tried to sneak in but i won't let you.

so you go to a lesbian blog with a dozen or so posts about queer people needing to be more weird about it and you sigh in relief. but you still see the men dni. that's odd. hoping for the best, you say hey! i know you mean well but please maybe don't put men dni at the end of the lovely posts on your lesbian blog bc some lesbians are men. and they'll be like ok!! well you're allowed ;) and you say no that's not. no. some men are lesbians not just me. you think about your own dicklessness and wonder if that's why you were given entry. and you add that even if male lesbians are allowed, there's no indication of that. how would anyone know without asking? and they're like ohh gotcha gotcha well men dni + this is for sapphics only!! and you'll be like ok well that treats the concepts of men and sapphics as mutually exclusive identities and i just told you that's not true and you agreed with me so.. i don't think that solves our problem. and they're like. ok. fine. men dni but genderfluid and multigender people are allowed! and you're like no see that's. that's still the same thing.. you're saying the same thing just with different words. if you don't want men to interact but you're fine with multigender/genderfluid/etc ppl interacting then you either don't see them as Real Men (because they don't reach a standard of Full Manhood) or Complete Men (because they're only Part-Time Men), both of which suggest that they are, in some way, not men or less-than men, which is invalidating and defeats the point of the exception in the first place (accommodation) OR that you don't really mean the dni which is confusing and inconsistent and makes guydykes feel weird and uncomfortable and excluded from the lesbian space you're trying to cultivate. and they're like um. ok. so. cishet men dni? and you're like well i think that makes more sense, but what if someone identifies as both a cishet man and a sapphic? again, if we're trying to accommodate the genderfucky populace then that has to be a possibility that is considered. and they say god you people are never happy. what do you want me to do? what am i supposed to say to keep the right men out? and you pause. you empathize with the need for a space free from dudes trying to fuck you straight and feminine. dudes who watch lesbian porn and joke about what they'd do if they were allowed into girls locker rooms. who look at you like a piece of meat, and like someone who looks at women like pieces of meat in the same way he does. you get it. you know. you want a space where you can be sapphic, too. that's why you came to these blogs in the first place. you brace yourself and you say well i don't know that there are "right men" to keep out. i don't know that there's any single label that would accomplish whatever it is you're trying to accomplish. you could go for "sapphics only" or "queers only" and i think that might be the closest thing to what you want, but it's never going to be perfect. creating any exclusive space is going to shut out people you didn't account for, and the broader the label, the more people will be shut out that you didn't want to shut out. and what about people who don't know if they're allowed? what of questioning transbians, where are they supposed to go? and, frankly, i think i might rather my dykey posts get read and appreciated by a gay guy who sees me as a man than a woman who only sees me as a sacred womb, pure from male perversions or violence or whatever. i think community might just be more complex than a dni can handle. and they look at you and say i don't want to not have a dni. i think you're too permissive. you can't just "what about" or microlabel your way into everything. go fuck yourself, i bet you're not even a lesbian anyway. go find a real problem to get mad about.

you go to a lesbian blog. you ignore the men dni because you know you probably don't even count to them. or maybe you do count and, out of respect for your manhood, they'd shun you accordingly. you try to feel okay about that. you scroll past dozens of posts about mediocre men and gagging at straight friends' boyfriends and how gross and undeserving men are of the beautiful women they couple up with and how all women should be gay so they can get treated right and and and and and. you finally find a post about curling into someone you love and feeling at peace and try to lose yourself in it. you know that feeling is what unites you, what makes you belong. you try to focus on it. you think about carding your hands through a butch's hair or lacing fingers with a femme and feeling warm and loved and more yourself than you ever have before. like this is who you're meant to be. you read about lesboys and butch boytoys and genderfucky dykes and big hairy deep-voiced wonderful women (like you want to be someday, like you wish you could make yourself) and you try to ignore the men dni underneath each and every post. and you daydream about meeting someone kind and earnest at a lesbian bar even though you don't think any such bars exist within three states of you and you can't drink and don't want to drink because you need to be in control of yourself at all times so you don't fuck up like you're always about to and here in the nonexistent lesbian bar you feel wanted and safe and in good company. you picture your ideal, happiest self. it is a mistake. ideal-you has a goatee. not the mascara one you smear on and call drag even though you know it's not drag, not really, the beard you call drag because you think everyone would look at you sadly if you told them it was just to pretend you had something out of your reach. a beard that's soft and that you grew and that cannot be smudged away if you get too comfortable with it. the dream shatters. your people pull away from you, their scoffs mixing with the mind-numbing gay girl bedroom pop you learned to settle for just to have something that almost resembled you, they all pull away and turn their backs and do not look at you. you're too close to being a man now, even though you're the same amount of man as before. and they know you're not supposed to interact with men, not as you would with dykes, at least. and it sours. it's all your imagination, all in your head, but it sours.

you sigh. you think about how small you are. how short, how narrow, how feeble. how your voice pitches up when you talk to strangers because it's easier to speak quietly when it carries more, and because you're nervous. because it's a chore to talk, like everything is. you think about testosterone. you think about how your family would look at you, the questions they would ask, your answers they would only pretend to accept. the uncomfortable glances and whispered questions they'd try to hide from you. you think about how small you are, and how small you will always be. how you don't know of a way to fix it, but even if there was one, no one would want you anymore. you'd be the only one thinking it made you a cooler dyke. you think about how you don't even want a T-voice all the time, how you'll never be able to switch it at will, because you don't know how and can't bring yourself to figure it out. you think about how your throat closes around every hint of your own attraction. how wanting is perverse, how wanting is invasive, how wanting is embarrassing and too vulnerable so it must stay anonymous, as an online witness, and how you can barely manage to form or maintain friendships because your brain makes you pull away, always spinning out and struggling to recover from the simplest of interactions. how they'll all leave you and you won't chase after them at all and how that will hurt them. how stuck you get. how it looks like nothing's holding you back, how that frustrates everyone who thought you were going to be more than you were. the people you love who understand except when it comes to being ghosted, being shut out. how you don't want to hurt them. how you can't tell them that because you're stuck. how you turn to stone when touched, how you never reach out, how you lose your speech and can't look at people, how your autism is fun and sexy until it becomes real and you never see them anymore, how much you longed for someone who knew everything without you having to explain, and who loved you anyway. how unreasonable you know that is to expect of anyone. you think about that not-even-real lesbian bar. you think about how you still can't drive. how you can't leave your home on your own, without dragging somebody into helping you. how you can't leave your body. how you can't leave your manhood behind.

you think about finding another lesbian blog and ignoring everything. about skimming it for the parts you can juice some meaning from. the parts men ignore and don't understand, and how typical of you it is to do so. or the parts where you're not welcome and you should accept that, because it's for lesbians only. how you are a lesbian anyway. how you're meant to choose lesbian or man, how each is a betrayal of some kind to yourself or your people, your family, your lovely strangers, your rare friendly acquaintances. about the parts that tell you you're not wanted, that you're ugly and lazy and gross and insert yourself everywhere without even asking. about the parts that tell you you are hated, and how lesbians are above it all by rejecting men. how lesbians are each blessed miracles. about the parts that say you should be ashamed of being whatever twisted confused freak you are, of everything, of looking and wanting or not looking or not wanting, of picking and choosing instead of taking it all in with a smile. after all, shouldn't you take it? or is your ego too fragile, as men's so often are? aren't you tired? good. we're not here for your consumption. and we sure as hell don't want your company or "community" or whatever. didn't you read the sign? no boys allowed. and if you want to come in you have to make up your mind. as if you haven't told them the only answer you have. you're both. you're both.

you know you broke the rule by interacting.

but it gets lonely sometimes. you wonder if they know.

[cry-ptidd]

I got a currently unrelated but important and angst af question(s?);

I know you said that Jean didn’t know that the beast of gevaudan was his daughter Laura, but imagine if he did, before or after he ‘killed’ the beast. Can you imagine the raw heart ache and grief finding how that his baby girl was turned into a monster and (had to) killed her?

Also, if Jean and Laura somehow met in modern Hellsing, even for five minutes, what would be said between father and daughter?

Enjoy the pain ☺️

I'll add onto that, anon, and share some historical facts with you that make this situation even more painful!

According to sources (article in French citing Guy Crouzet), Chastel's signature doesn't appear on the Marin report written the morrow after the beast's death, the 20th of June 1767. In the article, they speculate as to why, considering it was very clear according to eye witnesses and the lord of Apcher. According to Crouzet, the hypothesis could be that he either wasn't invited to sign it or that he was, but refused to attend.

If we want to take this into Laura's story and canon, then the idea that Jean who is hailed as the hero of Gévaudan for killing the beast and whose signature on that report would've "hailed and justified his glory and exploit for centuries to come", refused to attend it. He knew how to write and read, everyone knew he was the one that fired the shot. Why wouldn't he come?

Of course, why wouldn't he come. He will be given money and his name will be remembered as the hero who slew the beast and ended its reign of terror. Except the beast had his daughter's eyes, the eldest daughter he hadn't seen in 9 years because of a single day where she went to herd cows in a clearing, when whatever the hell started to happen to her. He hadn't heard from her since, he didn't know what she became, if her affliction was cured, if she was taken care of. The daughter he knew as kind and obedient and devout and the sweetest and a bit naive child he proudly loved, then the worst thing happens to her and years later something similar to what she's seen, a "wolf-like creature" terrorizing the locals, starts to happen again.

And two years after the beast's continuous rampages, he finally meets it face to face, and it's unnervingly familiar.

He would barely have the time to even process what happened before it's torn up, and he'd recognize the awful monster he just shot was his daughter that he left in the care of holy men to cure her and she was supposed to be better so what the hell was that thing he just shot? Is that supposed to be what happened to his child? This creature, so hateful and plain ungodly, is what his little girl grew into?

And now he's invited to sign the Marin report to confirm that indeed he did shoot the beast. It's what he will be remembered for, for killing the monster that no one knows is his eldest daughter that "succumbed to an illness" nine years ago and he's later offered just 72 pounds for the life of his daughter. That's what she was worth, apparently.

It was also noted that the beast's body was very poorly embalmed after its recovery. I imagine that whatever they found - or whatever the dogs had torn up in Laura's stead - had a rough time. I think that if Chastel saw it here, he would've been thankful for everything to not recognize the dead eyes staring up at him.

[moonchild-in-blue]

I haven't really done much art for tumblr (at all) lately, cus life, but! Here's a lil something I've been working on (it's a Xmas gift) 💙

(also peep that lil January calendar painting 👀 i did mini squares for each month for myself, because I need to have a physical one always, and they each have their own colour 🥺)

[demi-pixellated]

//OC road work ahead