#but i will admit i felt that convo with him and his dad

[randomspagetti]

{The End/A Compilation on This Project}

Summary:

I don't really like the climax I came up with at the time so I'll be adding a new version here. So if It differs from the images that's why, I feel like I made the pages during a time where I just wanted to get the comic over with so it kinda feels generic and half baked.

-

Starting from our last point, with the words of encouragement from the Light of Resolution and the steel force will to get his dad back, Choco manages to land a powerful strike, surprising the ancients and phasing Berserk Cacao.

This leaves space for the ancients to also be able to help, Pure Vanilla gives both Choco and Holly buffs while Holly holds the line and protects them from incoming attacks. By doing so they're able to get closer. Finally, a combined attack is hit to where something finally seems to happen. It's powerful and cuts into the indoor wall of the citadel. The smoke dissipates and all that is left is just Cacao.

They're all pretty suprised, but Cacao still has some lingering curse corruption on his body and his breathing is shallow. Hearing the loud crashes from the room the watchers (and Caramel) run in to see the ... interesting situation that had unfolded.

We then cut to Cacao sitting in a hospital room, he had woken up a bit earlier and is trying somewhat to recall the events of the previous day.

Holly and PV soon walk in with mugs, not expecting him to be up. They're caught off guard but soon calm down and get to chatting. Cacao finally admits he's not really doing all so well with both his kingdom and his son over the course of the conversation.

He also sort of opens up about more sensitive issues he's been through, thought he doesn't hold that topic for long given it's just too much for him at the moment. Holly understands where he's coming from and offers some words of encouragement, while PV tells him they're going to look into something for the curse and to actually help Cacao mentally.

Cacao reluctantly agrees.

It ends a bit more open ended with your own interpretation of how Cacao deals with his issues being set, though there would be a few aftermath pages exploring the relationship with the characters shown after the events of the story, this one for example is Cacao and Choco doing pottery painting.

------------------------------------------------------------

Some interesting facts, and stuff I made that didn't make it into the final cut:

-In my discord server berserk Cacao was often referred to as "The enemy spider"

-I often used their hands (so many hand drawings) as a way to show more of their character, Holly has hand scars while PV has a redness around his nails from stress. I like to add a human aspect to each of them so the reader can relate

-Berserk Cacao has had so many iterations before the final one, I just couldn't decide what I wanted him to look like!

-Each character has a different way of showing their thoughts/flashbacks! Caramels are more center focused given her only thought in that flashback was of the loud crash, Choco's are blurry given his eyesight, and Cacao has flashbacks and thinks in grayscale! You can actually notice this more during the dinner scene, this has it's own reasoning but it's bit more darker

-Most of the sketches were 10x more funnier than the finished project but I had to make it realistic

-Affogato was originally going to make it into the comic as a background character, but I felt it was too OOC for him given his devious crimes

Onto the darker stuff-

TW: Implied Abuse, Blood

-Everyone knows about the cut panels but there was actually an entire page scrapped too, originally this would follow along with the Light of Resolution convo (I will now refer to it as the LOR) but I scrapped it for a few reasons.

-Firstly I felt like it didn't add anything and only just re-established something the reader already well knew from both Holly and Cacaos statements, secondly I just felt like it was OOC for how I wrote the LOR. The LOR is in part Cacao. He is Cacao's resolution made physical. This would be his story to tell because he is a part of Cacao. It is Cacao in a way. I also felt revealing his face felt kinda eh and just didn't fit. So for those reasons I chopped it

-Cacao's curse wound was actually bleeding in this scene, though it's a bit hard to see with the shaders

That's all! Thank you everyone for being on this journey with me, I appreciate each and every one of you, you truly helped me expand my art horizons

[matchalovertrait]

24 screenshots of 2024! ✮⋆˙

Thank you for the tag @itmeansiris, @cakepoppresent, @euphiesims, @rosienthe, @simscici, @smulie, @living-undead, and @elderwisp!! 💗

January

Infant Dulce!!!! Aw how precious 😭 I love her little pigtails and look in her eyes. She looks a lot like her dad here lol.

One of Generation One's requirements in the Joy of Life Challenge is to "Throw the best parties for your child(ren), full of yummy cakes and treats!" and this was the very first of many cute parties :) Ángel's 5th birthday. I was still very new to the Sims 4 and I felt pretty proud of myself.

February

MY FOUR BABIES 😭😭😭😭 I love them with all my heart.

This took soooooo much work as a beginner omg!! I thought it was just okay but it got a lot of love :o

Ángel, Esperanza, Dulce, Guillermo, and Matthew as kids! I had no clue what the future held for them lol. Look at all of them appearing so cute and innocent 😆

March

An ofrenda for in-game Día de Los Muertos. It turned out pretty decent. That's a picture of Noemí's mom, Ynez.

Again, I don't know what possessed me to do a Diced Junior arc 😂 Besides the lighting and ugly text, I'm really proud of it. So no, I will never stop mentioning it.

April

A lil too much text 😅 but I liked showing the personalities of Dulce's cousins more here. Fun fact: It may not seem like it but Guillermo has the genius trait. A handful of his lines in this legacy insinuates that lol.

This was right after Dulce posted the Alto exposé video. I like how I showed a few different opinions from the comment section of her video. Also, it's a little ironic that she would meet a somewhat familiar fate due to Caruso's video about her 😅 hehehe.

May

My free-spirited Dulce 💓 maybe one of her future kids can become a basketball star, hmm.

Ynez and Infant Noemí <3 Translation: It’s just the two of us, but that doesn’t matter. I’m going to put in A LOT of effort to give you a good life. Hopefully, you grow up to be a person who is very kind, strong, and noble. And she did grow up to be like that :)

June

I'm not religious but Noemí practices catholicism. That's the main religion in Mexico, where she is from! Ngl I think I have religious trauma, but I can recognize when people have good intentions when they pray over you. I kinda like it, shows they care. ...Not in the Southern way when people say "Bless your heart" when they don't mean it like that. Context matters 😂

Bruh, Dulce 💀 Also, I will admit that Caruso looks kind of cute here 😂 I see why some of you fell for him. But that was part of my elaborate plan 😈

July

Okay, the first Lizaxi Legacy post went pretty hard. I'm pleasantly surprised about that LOL! We have some good lines, interesting characters, and decent shots!

Part of Mimli and Smeagie's house :> you'll find cacti, aliens, and stars throughout the home.

August

I LOVE the post that this came from 😂 This save was a lot of fun, I need to revisit it.

My Pierrot clown!!!! One of my favorite posts of this year!! I'm so proud of it :> Her outfit, her makeup, the long sorta-side bangs, the balloons, the fog, her facial expression. Love it.

September

Uh oh, Erick met Caruso and he was NOT having it 😅 Erick is such a kind guy too.

The big move to Del Sol Valley!!! Remember when we thought she was moving to Scotland? 🤔 Anyway, Dulce looks so pretty here! I love the palm trees in the back.

October

I reallllyyyyyyyy like the colors of Dulce's office and how I decorated it :>

Dulce's disguise 😂 man I love turning the ideas in my head into reality. Even if it's all pixels.

LMAO this is so funny and unserious to me 😭😭 Why is bro showing off his body, tattoos, AND jawline in the office??? We're supposed to be having a serious convo here, hellllppppp

November

Okay, this is pretty cool. Now that I look at it, that definitely looks like a supervillain house. I also like the fonts that I used and how you can see that the party is about to begin.

Dulce showing off her knowledge from secret agent movies! She's so silly hehe

[oopsiedaisiesbaby]

Okay but that photo of Bucky on the Bed and Buck against the wall is definitely Bucky telling Buck about his dream omega that he wants to mate and marry one day

I think you’re talking about this one?

This got me thinking about the first part of the traditional abo au where they have all those late night convos in their dorm room. I know it was from Bucky’s POV, but just imagine how crushed Buck must’ve felt when Bucky explained what he wants and realizing that it’s not him.

Because I’m avoiding my WIP’s (including part 2 to the traditional abo au😅)… let’s have Buck’s POV of that scene 😈 Terribly unedited as always!

Gale’s not one to let himself hope.

It sets people up for disappointment every time.

Sometimes it sneaks up on you though and that was never more readily apparently to Gale than the night they talked about their dreams for after the war.

“I’ll probably take over my dad’s business after the war,” Bucky started, shifting the topic restlessly. “But I hope I can stay in the sky too somehow.”

Warmth bloomed in Gale’s chest at the way John seemed to get it when it came to flying despite them being only in primary flight training.

“Same,” Gale replied easily, hiding a tired but pleased smile against his hands that he had tucked under his cheek when he rolled over to face John.

“Yeah,” John breathed, a dreamy smile taking over his face as his eyes went a bit distant. “But what I’m most excited about is having someone waiting for me when I get home every day.”

Gale’s breath stalled in his throat at the picture.

John continued, “A nice omega that cooks the best Sunday roast, dotes on our kids so much that it makes them sick with annoyance, looks good on my arm at all the events but is funny enough that I don’t get bored, it’d be nice if they thought I was funny too.”

He paused and Gale knew he was waiting for him to react to the last statement. Gale didn’t know if he could though.

He hadn’t realized just how incompatible they were until it was practically punching him in the face. Gale would never be that type of omega. He forced a scoff out of his throat despite how hard it was to breathe.

“I just want the works that I grew up with y’know?” John mused, that dreamy smile still stretched across his stupidly handsome face. “Can’t wait to have an embroidered kneeling pillow made for them, a custom claiming necklace to solder around their neck, and to have them sit in my lap during poker night with the guys… They’d be so sweet on me and I just can’t wait to love them back.”

Fire scorched down Gale’s throat as he fought down a sad trill.

Shit.

Gale had let himself hope that this stupid, caring, asshole, handsome, oafish, sweet alpha might finally be the one that could love Gale for Gale.

He was a foolish idiot. Gale had read all of it so unbelievably wrong.

Gale hummed to show he had been listening as he let his eyes trace over John’s attractive features. At least he hadn’t fallen in love yet.

It didn’t make it hurt any less though.

There was a tight fist around his burning throat and breathing felt like he was under water.

He swallowed thickly before responding hoarsely “You really liked growing up traditionally.”

“Yeah,” John breathed honestly.

Gale was never going to be what John wanted. Why hadn’t he realized just how much he had started to let himself hope?

He tried to move forward, bull doze past the uncomfortable churning in his belly.

“I think I’d like to have a small cow-calf operation of my own,” Gale admitted quietly. “Definitely some horses, maybe some goats and chickens. Want to finish my degree and get a job designing planes. I just don’t want to have to worry about anything.”

John would apparently never be content with such a life. Gale would never be enough for him.

“No alpha or kids?” John asked and the churning in his belly took a sharp twist he had to fight to not gasp out loud over.

Gale ached to have that. He worried he would be a terrible parent though and feared that no alpha would ever let him just be. John’s dream life with his object of an omega proved that.

“I mean, it’d be nice,” Gale answered slowly, honestly, eyes locked on John, worry choking him as he put the final nail in the coffin of any potential they might have ever had. “But I’d want an alpha that just let me be me and I wouldn’t want to be solely responsible for the kids, I’d want my alpha to be involved too.”

John seemed to chew on that for several beats and Gale fought another sad defeated trill, the burning in his throat creeping up to his eyes as defeat consume him. This is what hope got him, every single time.

“You want to be free,” John whispered, seeming to mull it over even as he said it.

Gale could only nod in response.

[halliescomut]

Love Sea Ep 8 Post-Watch Thoughts

I was gonna post thoughts as I went, but forgot, so here's hoping I can remember everything that happened in the episode.

- General comment: I love the more playful air of the intimate scenes this episode. There's no "graphic" NC scenes this ep, and instead Mame basically opts for fade-to-black for the couple we see initiated, but there's a significant increase in the playfulness between Rak and Mut, which is a very subtle but lovely bit of storytelling in my opinion. It demonstrates that what's happening is about more than the contract or the sex, but that they're becoming comfortable with each other.

- The father legit still confuses the fuck out of me. Like....does he actually want something. Does he just want to punish Rak by making him live a life alone because Rak chose his mother? Because that's what it seems like, and yeah shitty people are often just shitty, no deeper meaning, but seriously how can this man think Rak would have done anything else after he was such a garbage husband and father? I feel like if he tried at all to look at the series of events from Rak's perspective at all he'd be like "You know what, that's fair. I probably would have made the same choice."

-I've said this several times, but I like seeing Mut do little things to take care of Rak. I think it's good for Rak, because it shows him what the potential future could be. I also really liked the bit of internal dialogue we got at the opening of the episode about how mundane daily tasks, done in repetition are a way of showing care to those we cherish. I think that's just a really lovely sentiment.

-While I'm still mad at P'Vi, because all of her anxiety over Mook not realizing she's being flirted with could have been avoided if she was just honest. She's pushing Rak so hard to admit his feelings to himself, and even teasing him, but she can't confess to her crush either, so does she really have a leg to stand on? I realize that a lot of these choices are kinda done for the drama, but I feel like there were other options that might land better and wouldn't rely on P'Vi playing a bunch of games. Really, her just repeatedly confessing to Mook and Mook just passing it off as her being silly or not serious would have been a good option.

-Issues with P'Vi's deplorable choices in regards to wooing Mook aside, I did really like her convo with Rak this episode. I really like their friendship and how honest they are with each other. It's an important part of friendship. And while they're very honest and even blunt, it never feels like they're being cruel. Both actors did really well conveying the level of familiarity they would have, and how well they know each other's boundaries. They push and tease, but don't cross the line.

-I feel bad for Meena. Poor lamb. As precocious as she is, she is still just a little kid and shouldn't have ever been pulled into the adult concerns happening. The fact that Rak's father is so willing to use her shows exactly what kind of man he is, truly.

-Mut and his handling of Meena and Rak's dad showed a level of seriousness and maturity that's not unexpected, but is a good counterweight to his more fun-loving casual demeanor most of the time. We love a man that can do both. (Also, idk if you noticed, but the jeans this episode were showcasing the tushy excellently.)

-I've got mixed feelings on the whole jealousy scene and the foreplay-esque fight. It feels just so vaguely ooc to me, but this is original IP, so it's basically canon, so it can't be ooc. It honestly just checks off my bingo box for "poorly considered D/s dynamics portrayed". Watching it it felt like they were a couple doing a scene, but we as the audience weren't present for the pre-game discussion, you know? Maybe part of why it felt so odd is that it seems like Mame is trying to portray consent in a healthier way while at the same time feeding into that 'No" Kink she has and so the scene feels incongruous...idk.

-Truly the only real issue I have with this episode is the continuity of Rak's iPhone. When his father surprises him we watch the phone drop and the screen shatter in slow motion, clearly to a level that would make it unusable, but then after their talk he walks away actively calling Mut on the phone and it's clearly functional. Like this is not a deal breaker for me, but it is such an obvious break in continuity that I'm kind of surprised.

Okay, that's all I can think of. Two episodes left. I'm excited and also a bit sad to see the story end. Sidenote, do any of y'all feel like this show has rewatch potential? I've rewatched LITA & DSN a bunch, and LBC and TT once, and WP none at all, since their original release, but I'm not sure how I'll feel about rewatching Love Sea.

[oatlystrawberryicecream]

Noticed that Jason’s loneliness shows itself when he trying to get in others’ heads. His interest in others’ capacity for the same kind of ruthlessness he’s grown into made me wonder how you think that would relate to the last ask you had about Batfam members who would reach out to him or understand him. For example, Barbara Gordon surrounds herself with people who keep her from going to dark waters. Do you think he would pick and prod at those vulnerabilities to bring her down to his level or do you think his respect for her would keep him from doing that? That interest is what I think would put others off him. Stephanie. Cassandra. Dick.

thank you for such an interesting question!

jason and loneliness: i think he has a strong preference for solitude and that he is actually pretty good about reaching out when he wants company. the ways he reaches out are often dramatic and unhinged, and he will lead with whatever indirect message he thinks will get his foot in the door before he reads the mood and determines if he is safe enough to open up. so it is a toss up whether he will get the companionship and support he wants. but he is good at starting the convo or conflict, whichever it turns out to be this time. he is like a cat that knocks your shit over and then when you scold them jumps on your lap and starts purring and making biscuits.

his enthusiasm at others’ capacity for darkness: everyone acts like jason is uniquely violent but he knows these people are no better than him. jason is discerning in his application of violence! i think regardless of whether he killed garzonas or not he learned what unintended consequences are from the aftermath (the dad’s revenge quest) and so he is pretty deliberate and calculating about that stuff now. all that being said the appeal in seeing other people act on their ruthlessness is to get it to click for them that they dont have anything over him. not everyone would have made the choice to kill captain nazi but everyone can feel ok about him being dead. jason would like for people to get off their high horse and admit it. he has always felt unfairly judged going back to being a kid taken off the streets and dropped into old money luxury, he can never shake the indignity of it, it is just for a different perceived flaw this time. plus like it speaks to the traumatized little boy who as a matter of survival needed to know how the people he was forced to rely on would respond in the worst case scenario. so of course he wants to be prepared for what level of danger he’ll see from them when the tides turn and he’s on the opposing side.

would he try to expose that dark tendency? maybe. i think if something arose that called the more upstanding comic book morality into question he would observe and take note. in some situations he will pointedly remark about how ineffective the dubiously legal vigilante shit is. he is a mouthy guy and his convictions are solid so he cant stop himself sometimes. he knows that not everyone is him and not everyone could live with the choices he has made but he doesn’t think that gives them a right to condemn him. it does not mean they can impose their perspective onto him or expect him to cede and conform for their sake.

for all that we love jason and connect to his story he is an off putting asshole at times. there is a part of him that wants to drag people over to where he is but i think he would rather keep them in his life than be right about them. for me a jason story doesn’t work if he has to constantly overcome his own worldview and ingrained morals to match up to what others want him to be. if it is gonna work i need more flexibility and open mindedness from bat adjacent people.

i dont have much in the way of specific character thoughts here other than he really does let his insecurity take a front seat when it comes to dick and ik it is an elseworld but in dc vs vampires when it was revealed dick was the vamp king jason’s reaction was very telling, also like brothers in blood.

[obigem]

For some people, it always looks better in the morning.

But for Jai that unforuntatley wasn't true.

After he left the Fletcher house the night before, he just kept replaying all his moves in his head and he started to question everything.

What if he came on too strong?

He wanted Cordelia to know his feelings, but he didn't want to make things awkward.

And yet awkward was all things were.

He had gone by her house to walk with her to school, but her mom let him know she'd left early.

Was she avoiding him now?

As he approached the lockers, he saw her down on the end talking to Noah Kane.

Her back was turned to him, she couldn't see him. But he could see her. His heart halted as he anticipated her turning to face him and maybe give some indication that she might return his feelings.

But Cordelia couldn't notice just yet. She was in recruitment mode.

"The Debatalions? Sounds like a fruity balet group. I'll pass."

"No, wait! If it's the name you hate, it's still a work in progress."

"I was workshopping some new names with my dad this morning, and he came up with a really great one. How do you feel about the Master Debators? Great, huh?" "

You're kidding, right?"

"What's wrong with it?"

"That's like a masturbation joke waiting to happen! Are you stupid?"

"What kind of way is that to talk to someone!"

"A good way especially if she comes up with dumb club names like the Masturbators!"

"That's not the name! And if you're going to be rude you can forget about joining!"

"Like I'd want to join your stinky club anyway!" Noah huffed.

She had to admit, hearing Noah dismiss her club out right, it hurt. She wanted to get upset, but she didn't want him to see that he hurt her. Instead she took a page out of Jordie's book.

"Oh, you thought I was inviting you to join? Get real, loser. That was a joke invite."

"Whatever. Like I said before. I didn't wanna be in it anyway." She could tell from his tone of voice that she got to him. She felt kind of bad. She didn't mean to hurt his feelings, but he did hurt hers first.

"Good. This convo never happened." Cordie triumphantly walked away.

But before she could get very far, there right in front of her was Jai.

Her heart hiccuped, and she froze.

She hadn't prepared yet for seeing again, especially not so soon after he'd confessed his feelings to her. What was she supposed to say?

"Hi, Cordie." Jai said nervously.

[happilylovingchaos]

Not an essay-length post like the last couple of times, my late S1 rewatch thoughts from 1x09-1x10 are gonna be way more scattered. I’m sorry, three weeks of not posting rewatch thoughts have done this to me.

Judging from TK and Owen’s convo, this must be indicative of the “equals” dynamic they have going on when they’re off the job or don’t feel the authoritative need. And it says something about TK when even though he’s really going through a full-on PTS existential crisis he not only doesn’t blame a little boy for acting out of fear, he’s pretty chill about Zoe and keeping in contact with her even when god knows how many times he went through the emotionally mountainous peaks and valleys that made up his dad’s love life and 2 failed marriages. (Tbf, timing of meeting your parent’s love interest when you’re coming out of the wrong end of a medical emergency— that timing is awkward). Also I’m low key bitter that we didn’t get a scene of Carlos visiting conscious TK during the rest of the hospital stay or his at-home recuperation. That was quite a lot that happened offscreen. But, all the same, I’m glad TK decided to take a chance and renounce his semi-renouncement of his relationship with Carlos. It’s beautiful.

Having watched Overly Sarcastic Productions’ thoughts on gender-reveal parties (look up the name on YT, then for a video game livestream of Journey), that family is gonna have their hands full with their now 4 sons.

Also late shoutout to the 911 Lone Star Roundup podcast! I am a local Hawaiian so felt so seen when they brought up kalua pork in their 1x02 discussion (btw, kalua pork is very similar to Texan barbacoa but they wrap the seasoned pig/ fish/ chicken in leaves before cooking). Now veering back to 1x09… I feel like the father and son (“Keithan” has very similar hybrid vibes to ��Renesmee”, huh) might view the word “spelunking” cold comfort after that experience in… the… the Birth Canal??? (HOW DID I NEVER REALIZE THE INNUENDO?! God, the comments section is bringing out a louder side in me)

The Blake family’s mystery arc, I thought, was pretty good. There could’ve been more to be shown, like most things on the show (like, did the sisters catch a ride to the hospital after Iris saved Michelle? Walk? Wait it out? There was a district-to-citywide electronic shutdown, that doesn’t bode well for unstable mental health) but otherwise? It was good for what we got to see, I think. Low key fight me. Iris bringing up Carlos keeping Michelle out of trouble? Admittedly it is a bit of a stretch to say that it was foreshadowed for season 4, but it was nice to hear him in her thoughts. And the parallels with TK’s past with addiction were subtle, but there in a few more ways than with Owen and Michelle’s talk.

Thinking on the astronaut call, there’s one more late 911 Lone Star Roundup shoutout I wanna make, plus one more retrospective parallel. If the 126 had had TK on the call, or… if TK had heard that call? Yeah. That would hurt him hard. And with what happens to him and his mom two seasons later (in flashbacks to 2017, but still)? … a moment of silence. And I JUST came up with it off the top of my head today.

As for my timeline measurements, I admit defeat now.

But I will pick it back up and try assembling everything again. Not yet, but soon. Just… look. I get that suspension of disbelief in narrative timelines exists for a reason, but please. Some help from a stable continuity would be more than welcomed. I’m not-so-surreptitiously peering at @thisbuildingwithfeelings.

[seriouslysam8]

Hi Sam,

I haven't been able to review in a while, but I have been following Brumous every week and it is going great. It's the best way to close my Sunday's. I look forward to it.

My Q is: Did you plan Sirius being V's son all along or was that something you developed from the conversations abt the story here.

So, when I was writing Backstabber and developing the series, I had Voldemort heal Sirius after a battle where Edgar Bones died. I had him do this because I had cultivated this odd dynamic between Walburga and Voldemort. Initially, I thought maybe Voldy just thought Sirius and Regulus were his. Maybe Walburga lied to him? But he was convinced. But then I started writing Brumous and Bête Noire and I thought, no, I have to do this. I can’t just have it be a ruse. How disappointing would that have been to read? Then I started debating about whether to make one or both of them biologically Voldy’s. Soon, I was like “go big or go home!”

So, no, it was my idea from the beginning. I admit I was weary about how it would be perceived at first, but the more clues I started to drop, the more I realized that I had to do it and I wanted to do it. I didn’t want to hold back on the story I wanted to tell because of my fears. I mean, that’s how Legerdemain got ruined, wasn’t it? I wasn’t going to make the same mistakes. Then, I got a review where someone was like “are you actually doing this? That’d be sick.” (Not exact words because I’m too lazy to go hunting for the review but it was the gist) and I felt good about my decision. Then, someone sent an ask about… I don’t even know? Dropping hints or something in the story? And I immediately thought of the Voldy storyline and mentioned how only one person had picked up on my hints and I was surprised. Then the asks started to flood in and it made me feel really fucking good about my decision. Like I don’t even know why I was so worried at first about it. I’m glad I didn’t cop out.

The only thing that changed with that storyline with discussions here is someone asked that if Voldy was Sirius’ biological dad, how would that work with the blood adoption. I froze. I was like “fuck, I didn’t think about that.” It was a silly oversight on my part because I just wanted to make those boys closer and have it be this cute little thing between them. I debated trying to make it work still because Sirius didn’t know but then that’d cause a slew of issues later when Sirius and Voldy both know and Voldy knows Sirius knows. And I would have realized my mistake when it was too late probably. So I had Andy say something about it, because she’s suspected for years that her cousins were not Orion’s. You can see her little comments in some chapters that suggests she suspects a big family secret.

So, anyway, it was… fuck, very early on in Brumous that I decided to go full blast with the idea. I remember initially running it by Bell and being like, “I have to do this, right??” Like could you imagine??? Then it was all about dealing with the Parseltongue issue and can they or can’t they. How do I make that work? And figuring out my background knowledge of who knew, who suspected, what were their thoughts, and yadda yadda.

But, no, it was not developed based off convos here. It was 100% my idea. You can see clues as far back as Backstabber and very early on in the series. I purposely made Sirius look more like Alphard than Orion, and compared both him and Regulus to Walburga’s branch of the Blacks rather than Orion’s branch. And I dropped a lot of very subtle clues because I thought this couldn’t come out of left field. I wanted people to be like “DUH!! Now x and y make complete fucking sense!”

[sweetswesf]

Thanksgiving & Colleague Date

Despite my grandparents not even being able to walk without canes, they had to cook Thanksgiving. Thanksgiving has not been enjoyable since high school for me. At a certain point, I became conscious to how glutenous Thanksgiving made me feel. On top of that, i just really hate not feeling great after the high fat and sodium. On top of THAT, my mom isn’t the main cook ever since my parents split and her replacement cooks, my paternal grandparents, my father, my maternal aunt, just do a bad job. The food is actually bad and there are few things I don’t think taste good.

This year, while I appreciate a hot home-cooked meal, the dressing was NOT done, the turkey was not good, the rolls were burnt, the greens were overcooked, no mac, etc. My dad said my grandmother was literally vomiting so hard the morning of Thanksgiving that they were not even sure it was going to be cooked. My grandfather literally had to sit on a stool to cook. When I walked in the door when I arrived from the airport, before I even put my bags down, my grandfather asked for help. I figured they would require more help this year, but I just vote for us not doing it and going out or ordering the food in. They always overcook too. I know because I cleaned and put everything up. I’m not even sure they enjoy it. 2 days after Thanksgiving, fridge still full of leftovers, they bought KFC and fried catfish.

My mom’s side did the takeout thing one year, and I loved it! Thai. Nice and easy. No clean up. It was cheaper and actually tasty. We even did Shabu Shabu that year. I even invited the girl that I told yall called me cheap after I didn’t pay her for the Coachella stay 🥴. But now my aunt has gone back to cooking traditional Thanksgiving and I really don’t enjoy her cooking.

I can be grateful for a meal but still want us all to save money, eat healthier, have something we all enjoy, and save time. 🤷🏾‍♀️. If the tradition no longer is working, let’s change it…

I eat it not because I want to but because I just really don’t want to hear anyone’s mouth.

I get thrown off my healthy eating habits. I made a trip to Sprouts and had to hide my food in the outside garage.

I didn’t spend the night of my mother’s. I thought I would have a convo with her about how I feel hurt by them still not holding my brother accountable for all these years of blaming me for why we don’t talk and them believing him, then him confessing that it was him all along and him saying that I was only trying to help and wanted the best for him. He avoids me whenever I am in town and for the longest, everyone thought it was me despite me telling them it wasn’t, but because we each have had our disagreements (which involved me holding them accountable for ways they hurt me and them not wanting to hear it) they believed him, even though I felt they knew it wasn’t the truth. Them believing him would require them to face how I was right when I held them accountable for the things I called them out for in treatment of me.

My little brother has always been distant from me. I didn’t like that my mother babied him and seemed to be disgusted by any physical affection like hugs or laying next to each other on the couch that I craved from her. She admitted she has always had a problem with physical affection. She isn’t a very hug-y person even to this day. Anyway, back to him, I always wanted to help my little brother navigate every step of life and he just would not let me. He admitted to my parents that although we never said explicitly, he felt implicitly that he had to do just as good if not better than me. I was a very high achiever, but I was just trying to ensure that I didn’t go hungry, because this world can be crude cruel and the competition is stiff. I wanted to help him navigate and learn from the mistakes I made. But he was so intimidated that he just shut me out. He had to sell his narrative so he went so far as to block my phone number. He went through all of school and even grad school without telling me. Everyone, even peers and family members though, say they didn’t think he liked them because he is very anti-social and oftentimes rude. He’s never been required to develop certain social skills. And my family has never required him to do right by me. Every time I come down to visit, he will go to the other parent’s house to avoid me. I know almost nothing about the guy and can count on my hands how many conversations we have had.

My mom didn’t want to talk to him and hold him accountable and she wanted me to sleep in the closet where he used to sleep while he sleeps in the bed during my visit for Thanksgiving. I said absolutely not. If I were married, they would never ask this. I mentioned this in my last post, but mentioning it again for reference. Anyway, I felt bad.

When I hung out with my mom, I thought we would talk about this or Cynthia and not seeing Wicked. She had an attitude when I got in the car, as I assumed she would. I didn’t even match her energy. I just fake smiles. I know how my family treats me and I know I can go to refuge back in the South Bay, so I just tolerate it for some time.

I set up a cooking class for us and saw a friend from high school there. It was a fun class and I finally got to make cavatelli with the paddle thing AND orchetti. Class was half white and half black and the teacher spoke down to the Black women. Meanwhile, I’ve lived in Milan and studied and spoke the language fluently for years, but I didn’t say nothing. Teacher was shocked at how good my orchetti was shaped and asked, shocked, “You did that?!” 🙄

Anyway, my mom was in such a rush at the end. I couldn’t sit and enjoy. It’s like she’s checked out. We talk and have convos, but sometimes I know her mind is running and she can’t be present…she had finished her meal but I hadn’t finished mine but she was urging me to finish…

Went to a bar with my colleague that I have a crush on but he has a gf. Ever since knowing, I’ve been trying to convince myself I’m not attracted to him. I definitely don’t intend on involving myself with him, but he’s attractive. He told me to let him know the next time I was down in LA. I was down for my reunion and completely forgot to tell him. That’s how much I have been trying to distance myself. I even have thought of canceling our biweekly 1:1s, because I don’t need more opportunities to fall further. It’s hard for me to just be friends with men I find attractive and they haven’t introduced to me to their significant others.

Well, I found myself talking about how I came down for my reunion a few weeks ago and he called out I didn’t tell him and I felt bad for forgetting, so the next time, which was this weekend, I kept my word. He picked a hipster (wow, no one uses this word anymore…) outdoor pastrami spot. At first I thought, “Eww, what does he think of me? Cheap!?” I showed up and it was really cute! Romantic! Frequented by grown and classy Black folks.

Before arriving, I pushed us back TWICE to 8 from our originally planned 7. He handled it well every time. Even said, “If you get hungry, there’s a pastrami spot nearby.” He’s a lot of what I’m looking for in a partner. But, I’m not going to lie. I felt really bad about going knowing how I feel and knowing he has a partner, on a Saturday night in what was an intimate-feeling bar. Drinks were wack, but definitely a date night bar. Nonetheless, I looked cute, smelled great, crapped, showered, and shaved before, and took a nice Comfort Uber over. Even wore some heels!

I didn’t know how to act or be. If I know the person is interested, a different me comes out. The setting gave date, but we are most certainly colleagues. I wasn’t trying to mess anything up in terms of our working relationship, even though I don’t imagine we will work together closely at our current place of work ever since I moved teams, but he IS thinking of transferring to my group soon…

I imagined it slightly tending towards a romantic convo, and imagined we’d get pretty deep. One of those was true…

We talked from 8 till 11:30. We got deep into our parents’ relationships, high school, LA, why I’m still in the Bay, 2025 goals, entrepreneurship aspirations, concerts, Drake & Kendrick’s feud, and exchanged trip photos and stories from our separate trips to Japan. Here’s where I got into my ethnic identity, how my maternal grandparents came about, how my Japanese family asked me via a note as I was leaving on the train if my maternal grandmother had been abused 🥴.

There was a point where we both got a little buzzed, me I feel more so than him, because it takes NOTHING to get my tipsy these days. And I’m a fun buzzed. I’m already a pretty free spirit and lover of life, but I just get even more friendly. And I care less than I already do about how I look or what I say. My filter I feel can get in the way of me speaking clearly. I don’t drink to get drunk. In fact, after that night, I vowed to try to be more sober and give up alcohol altogether. It’s doing more harm than good at this point. My skin hasn’t been improving and alcohol doesn’t help it, and I need all the youth I can get given the lack of sleep I get on the reg.

There was no funny business. No convos about sex. He mentioned his girlfriend and I FINALLY got to see pics of her. OF COURSE I compared us! We look similar, as I expected, because he said she was Ethiopian. Someone asks me every day if I’m Habesha, since I was a kid. Ain’t no “better”. We both beautiful in our own ways.

He paid for everything. His gf picked him up. I had to ask to meet her. He seemed a bit reluctant when I asked. He never said no, just, it was a hesitant, “Sure.” Weird.

I hung outside her car, tipsy af because I had been drinking more than usual that day (and started with the cooking class as early as noon! on little sleep and food; maybe this is why he was reluctant to say yes to me meeting her). I shook her hand, told her she was gorgeous and how I had heard a lot about her. She definitely seems warm and a great socializer. I’m a little more rough around the edges, I feel…She offered me a ride home, and I may have obliged sober, but my true feelings came out a bit and thanked her kindly but said my Uber was here. Girl, it’s weird enough! Take me out of my misery and let me go home tipsy solo…again…

I felt I needed to push past the fear of not asking and ask to meet her for girl code purposes. How trash would it look that she’s literally right there and I don’t speak when I’ve just spoken to her pretty serious boyfriend for HOURS alone at night and she ain’t never met me…

I asked him via text that night how much I owed him and he said I didn’t owe him anything but that the next round’s on me in the Bay. He’ll be there next week. Why didn’t he just invite his gf and make it a friend thing where I could have invited people too, especially if she was going to pick him up anyway? She probably dropped him off too.

Hopefully I’m doing a good job at masking how I feel and he’s not doing all this knowing how I feel, cause that would be cruel. I don’t like that and wouldn’t want my boyfriend going to bars with women late night and having me pick them up afterwards. I felt weird accepting the invitation to go out but didn’t want to make it weird by saying no. Some people are very secure with their relationships. Many people are also swingers, and I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t expecting him to ask me so I could SHUT HIM DOWN but be flattered by the proposition…Maybe I’m a little scarred and used to married men acting single, but idk, we ain’t tight like that to need to go to a bar together on a Saturday night when he has something going on feels weird to me. I want to ask him what he thinks I think of him. I’m not sure if it’s a leading question. I kinda want to joking be like, “Your gf let you be out with female friends she ain’t met?,” and “What did you think of me asking to meet her…” Let me know in the comments how ya’ll feel and how yall think I should address it.

Idk…he won some points and lost some…won for being a gentleman…lost also for being a gentleman 😅. Although he has good qualities, I would never want him. He’s officially marked himself as friend forever, because I would never approve of him doing this if we were together. No. You not finna embarrass me like that. That girl don’t have to endure that either. Am I tripping y’all??

Before I left home to come back to the Bay, I had some alone time with my grandfather. He said, “Before I die, I would love to see you and your brother getting along again.” I love my grandfather, but told him that was unfair. I pleaded my side and shared how offended I was that after all these years, the onus to salvage the relationship seems to be on me despite the hurt I’ve endured and the attempts I’ve made (that I didn’t have to) to mend our relationship. I also called out that they never hold my brother to the same standard. He wasn’t fully convinced. I told my mom in person when we hung out I would come over for Christmas, but almost immediately after, and ESPECIALLY after my convo with my grandfather, I felt I needed to stick to caring for myself and I did that with this:

On my way out the door to head to the airport, I poked my eye with a hanger. I felt it was for getting really passionate and not listening to my grandfather. I felt it was God humbling me, and reminding me, that I have a great opportunity with work, and I could have ended it by poking my eye out because I was rushing to get in the closet in that hoarding house. I need to be more grateful and be a better steward of my blessings. Give more. Be on time. Eat right. Stop drinking to get closer to men that really don’t care about me like that…

I felt really bad after the date…in fact, really bad that nothing had happened…not gonna like. Like, I was glad we can remain friends, but also I didn’t trust that his intentions are pure and I felt like he needed a who boost, because I’ve been that for dudes before, unbeknownst to me…

I analyzed all the ways in which I have done that to other guys, but I haven’t done that in very long. Maybe it’s still my past, but, I’ve matured past that now.

I always leave home happy to get back to the Bay. My thoughts this time are, I don’t know where I fully want or need to be, but I FEEL like God wants me here in the Bay. Even the sermon at church today mentioned not moving until God says so and making new places home. Perhaps the Bay is that. I’ve fought living here for so long, but I love what it’s made me, the opportunities it’s afforded me, and I think the possibilities for my career will be optimal here, but I also wonder if NY will nurture the other sides of me: closer to my friends there, potential spouse and experiences out there…and it may be great given that the company I envision me selling my app to is in NY…but I’m not there yet, and despite friends from LA and NY asking me where I’m going to go and how I should go to their respective city, I don’t hear a resounding, “You should stay…” That voice is quieter in agreeance with me when I respond, “I don’t mind the Bay though…,” but it be there…Shoot, even the poll I did on this blog said I should move to LA LOL.

I’m still digging for gold to change our lives and the lives of so many other people. I’m in it for the long run. I see the vision. Everything I’ve done so far has been working out the vision God placed before me. I just have to stay prayed up so that I remain inline with his purpose for me. He plants the desires in my heart but he also grants me a lot of the desires I have too, that may or may not have come from Him. Just trying to figure it out. I’m grateful to you, Lord and ask you to keep guiding my steps.

I told my mom about the date and how uncomfortable I felt, and she suggested the next one with him should be with friends. I agree. Boy you know how I feel. Stop playing with me…and stop playing with your girlfriend (who he interchangeably calls his partner…no, sir…you don’t get to call her that until she’s at least your fiance, right?…maybe he’s wishful thinking). Maybe next time I will ask if he plans to marry her, but that also ain’t my business. See, I don’t know what is and what isn’t appropriate just yet. Cause if we was friends, I would, but if we was friends, I would have already met her before we did a solo meet up :/

A little extra for yall while I’m on this plane (which I’m finding to be one of my favorite places to right):

Before heading home for Thanksgiving, the dude I took out for his birthday who I had raw sex with carelessly after the dinner hit me. The last time we spoke was via text. He canceled on me and said he just wanted to go home and that he had to cancel because he didn’t want me to feel bad if he was feeling down in my presence and not in the mood. Given we had had sex, have known each other for over 18 years, talked about everything over dinner, for him to not share vaguely why, or even want to LIE, made me think it was about me. I told him it was cool. He then texted me a couple times after that to see if I had made it home safe to no response from me. I had already deaded the thought of investing more in that whatever weird situationship. I had even deleted his number, but I guess I didn’t block him, because when I got a random text the day before Thanksgiving from an unsaved LA number that read, “Do you do this regularly, or just to me?,” I thought it was spam. When I looked to see the message history, I concluded, “Oh he misses me 😏😏😏,” which felt great given how I’ve been on the horrible end of heartbreak, then, “How should I respond, because this sounds angry, but I don’t want to fuel the fire?”

I called him and started playfully with, “[His name]…let’s talk…“

I tried to talk, but it felt like I was thrown back to days when I argued with my Mom and Dad. I had even started cursing and screaming at one point. I’m sure my neighbors loved it…

I spoke my peace, told him I had stopped responding because I figured it was about me and that I hadn’t been seeing the things I expect from guys I want to pursue: he didn’t cuddle with me after sex, he was pretty transparent about everything BUT why he couldn’t come over. His argument was that I shouldn’t assume, but he still didn’t want to tell me the real reason or even lie, and I told him that. I even took it back to high school and said he’s never asked me to be his girlfriend. A man don’t stop at nothing if he want you to be his girlfriend, but he will play with you when he just want something from you. And this is what he was doing. He wanted me to just believe him face value. He kept telling me what I should do and I had to quickly remind him, I ain’t the same person from high school and he don’t have the same hold over me. I’m not insecure and he ain’t gave me anything to be talking out his neck. I reminded him, if I believed everything everyone said, I’d be in a worse position than I am today, but I’m doing damn good and have done pretty good without his suggestions thus far and don’t see his suggestions having that much impact on me. I respect him for trying, but his ego is WAYY too big to hear me. I was trying to teach him how conversations like this should go, but it’s not effective to teach while the test is being given. He was throwing low blow jabs, telling me I should heal from past traumas, meanwhile, he ain’t in a place to have any opinion on any of that. I told him we definitely hopped in the bed way too soon as we have no real trust established…I spared him the “and we’re not married.” He did hear me out. I had like a multi-minute monologue where I told him I was being very vulnerable and to be careful with how he responds, and when we came off of mute, it was horrible. We were already on the phone for over an hour at that point. There was no use in even taking it this far. I had threatened to get off the phone a few times, and when he would go silent, I knew he didn’t want to just end it there. I appreciated he was invested, but he wasn’t listening as he should have been. I asked him to kinda retell what I let my heart out to him about to ensure we’re on the same page which would also give me the chance to clear up anything I perhaps did not convey right. He took it as me bossing him around and he didn’t want to do it. Not even a little bit. So at that point, I figured, I don’t need to be his teacher in this. We don’t have much invested in one another. With my mom and dad, I had to struggle through, but I had already mentally been okay with not continuing this situationship with this dude, so finally I said I had had enough and told him talk to you later and actually blocked him this time.

I ain’t even mention I had to take a Plan B after the night with him 🙄. I’m grateful I have the means and recognize a lot of people don’t and end up with responsibilities with people they didn’t ask for for the rest of their lives…

Why people keep messing with me?

I cried in the shower a few weeks ago just overwhelmed a bit. Felt a bit lonely. Wanted to be in a relationship. Sad that dudes keep breaking my heart. Sad I keep falling for the same okie doke and doing things I know will have an unfavorable outcome. Sad my family has not always made living away easy. All I have been trying to do is get ahead and the main stressor has sometimes been them. I love them though, and I know God is teaching me something from it all.

I want to stop complaining.

I also ran into 4 other people I knew in one day from grade school. One even from elementary school. One of which was my high school English teacher. It was in her class from one of her prompts that I put on paper for the first time the struggles I had with my mother and how I struggled with not feeling seen sometimes since we have different phenotypes. I needed a strong Black woman in the household reminding my of how beautiful my hair was and how beautiful it was to be a Black woman specifically, and I don’t think I was quite getting that. Anyway, I remained her she was like royalty to me and I thanked her for everything she taught me. Yall have her to thank partially for this blog since she honed my skill for and love of writing.

I’ve been thinking…I hope ya’ll know I know that I’m not a perfect Christian and that I want to represent Jesus better. I have to get better at that…

I didn’t finish all that I wanted to for work, but I’m dedicating myself to get back on track. Year ain’t over yet…

Yall be blessed…



[teenmomcentral]

Chris Lopez says he can’t get any respect from his oldest son Lux— and his baby mama Kail Lowry and her Cornucopia ‘o’ Gentleman Callers is to blame!

During a rant on Instagram Live on Wednesday, the former Teen Mom 2 baby daddy— who shares sons Lux and Creed with Kail— reportedly blasted Kail for bringing so many men “in and out of” his sons’ lives. He also stated that his oldest son Lux views him as “replaceable” due to him having so many daddy figures in his life over the years.

According to The Sun, Chris admitted that he was struggling to parent Lux.

“I was having one of the hardest times recently. Just like I said one of my weakest moments was just recently because I’m struggling with my son,” Chris said, adding that he has addressed the situation with Kail already.

“I even expressed this concern to his mama and of course they don’t see it that way and I don’t have no shame in sharing that,” Chris said.

“I felt like my son didn’t –- or doesn’t –- appreciate me. You know what I’m saying? I felt like, as a dad I’ve been, for six years, going hard for my kids and s**t like that. My oldest son don’t appreciate me. It just feels like that.”

Chris went on to explain why he feels like six-year-old Lux doesn’t respect him.

“I feel like he feels like I’m replaceable [because] of all the men in and out of his life and that’s a fact,” Chris stated. “…People have noticed that, I’ve noticed that and you say that s**t.

 “To feel like you’re not enough for your own son is a low feeling in life,” he added.

Chris went on to state that he often feels like he has to be “the bad guy” when it comes to parenting Lux and Creed, in order to make sure they stay on-track. 

As The Ashley previously reported, Kail recently welcomed twins—her sixth and seventh children— with her live-in lover Elijah Scott. (She also shares an almost-one-year-old son, Rio, with Elijah). Kail is also mom to Isaac (whom she shares with Jo Rivera) and Lincoln (whose dad is Kail’s ex-husband Javi Marroquin.) 

Kail has acknowledged in the past that her frequent long-term–- and sometimes live-in—- relationships (which, in the past, have been with her baby daddies Jo, Javi and Chris, as well as semi-recent relationships with Malik Montgomery and Elijah) have caused trauma to her kids.

“I will go to the ends of the earth to try to help them heal from it,” Kail said earlier this year on her podcast. 

During a July episode of her Barely Famous podcast, Kail stated that she sees herself making many of the same mistakes her own mother, Suzi, made in regard to having lots of men around while Kail was growing up. 

“I very much did what she did, 100 percent, and I can’t deny that,” Kail said on the podcast. “It’s heartbreaking to see it, and know it and acknowledge it, and to know that at this point, the only thing I can do is acknowledge it, apologize, and try to help [my kids] heal through it.”

“I think that I did perpetuate the cycle of a lot,” Kail said.

That same month on her Coffee Convos podcast, Kail addressed the topic of her having so many lovers around her kids, and admitted that she’s aware it has hurt them.

“If men [coming] in and out of my kids’ lives is the biggest form of trauma [they have], I feel like I can live with that,” she said.

Kail has not yet addressed Chris’ latest Instagram Live comments.

[ram-de]

[Book] Ari&Dante (1) ~P101

[~p10]

I... This book... Umm😳

So. This is another impulsive beginning of starting another book... I never knew about the existence of this novel two days ago. My sister asked me if I had another book to read, and, frankly, I said no because I still have several other thing to read and I’m a slow reader. But I looked of fiction titles anyway... Just some random keywords like ‘Novel about X’ or ‘Things to read about Y’ and stuff like that. And I’ve come across this one. 

IT’S ONLY 10 PAGES but i feel like the synopsis set me up for something exciting like... I LIKE IT... Mostly the bite-sized chapters so I can read it when I could and not forgetting which part of the chapter I’m in. So... Okay. Like, compared to the one book I read but I haven’t picked up again because I kept nitpicking about it (i see u hikkikomori chan from 2015...) BUT THIS ONE... ok. ok. ARGH. 

The first three chapters is what the early part of the introduction. Like, getting to know about our main protagonist, his relation with his family, upbringing and what bothers him. That’s mostly it. This is far too early to write anything about what I thoughts lol but i’m excited to pour my excitement into words so I can’t help but write about it. expecting good vibes. HA....

*I just looked it up but the term ‘book’ and ‘novel’ aren’t interchangeable?!?! there’s like word count and stuff. oh well maybe I’ll just change the title of this kind of thing later on >_> -------------------------------------------------------

[~p20]

Interrupting reading more to write some of my thoughts is a bad idea i swear but UHHH I’M😳

...

...

i love them ur honor. it’s so fluffy (as of now, bcs there’s probably angst and conflict later) but like the way characters is portrayed is soooooooo good. i am feeling things!!!! it’s making my heart warm!!!! and the tropes... opposites attract?????? two lonely peeps finding comfort in one another????? okay... OK??? HELLO...

-------------------------------------------------------

[~p76]

uh... why do i feel so sad now. ari is having a fever and he’s sick and he started to have all this dreams which i don’t really understand because dreams are dreams but i feel like i’ll understand the more i read but IT HURTS. moving onto the second chapter i feel like the aspect of loneliness is going to be described more and it’s scary... i think.

i think summer break is over and supposedly they’re going to admit back to school? something about ari being happy to know even a tiny bit of his dad ‘being real’. so precious... love that there’s a lot of light dialogues, makes it seems like i’m intruding their conversation. also i said some stuff about liking opposites attract but i didn’t know they’re also going to put angst with that because... dante seems like the one to have everything (emphasis on seems because he has something going on too) while ari lowkey feels like he doesn’t compare and jealousy and stuff😔 i’m lowkey dumb about philosophy and like the deeper meaning so i’ll just read it as i read. NOT ANGST... PLEASE... 

-------------------------------------------------------

[~p101]

...

...

:(

no one told me there’s going to be angst... and the trope of sudden “i will be moving abroad”... and the accident... and now that i’m almost 1/3rd of reading the whole book.... maybe i should take my time reading. BUT I CAN’T HELP IT....? i’m to engrossed in reading this ugh... i really liked ari and dante’s convo they make me laugh!! the repeated words in their convo. like. idk. it felt so endearing i don’t really know what else to describe. digging down to ari’s fear is scary because it’s kinda described in umm... a little bit too uncanny description, i guess? like okay... >_> 

this post is so messy lol i want to write a post about what i thought overall about this novel, but after i read it whole. so that it can be more better worded and i’m not interrupted every 20 minutes because the urge to read more lol

[bumblesimagines]

Just finished watching all three To All The Boys movies

My thoughts?

FUCK PETER KAVINSKY

[andrea-suneo]

BAD BUDDY EPISODE 6 - THE PERFECT FOLLOW UP FOR THE KISS

-Pran touching his lips after the kiss: Hands down one of my fave after kiss moments EVER. There was such a realistic vibe to it, when you think about something you wanted for so long but after you get it you wonder if it was the right decision... I think everyone felt like that at least once and it was such a small gesture but so realistic and almost cute that made my heart melt.

-Pat goint to Pran’s room right after the kiss: How I loved that Pat immediately went to Pran, he want to talk it out, whatever reason Pran run away crying, he wanted to know and I loved that he didn’t wait.

-The guitar: When Pran says he doesn’t want the guitar if he knows he won’t be able to keep it, here it shows perfectly how Pran never really thought he could have Pat, this breaks my heart

-Pat’s dad VS Pran’s mom: I think this is a key point to understand why it’s easier for Pat to go after Pran. Pat wasn’t the one that got punished just for being in a school project with the other boy, he wasn’t the one that has a family that hates the other boy, he had it rough but also easier in a way. Pat grew up knowing the other family is to avoid, as a whole yes, but his parents don’t hate Pran, they just hate his parents and so don’t want Pat to be near him because he’s trouble! Pran’s mom on the other hand treats Pat as if he was part of whatever went down with his parents. In a way this parallels the groups of friends as well. As I already said, eng group hates arc group, in general, not Pran! while arc group hates both eng and especially Pat! I think that makes Pran’s  feel more burdened.

-Pat and the paper game, respecting Pran’s decisions: The paper game, to me, is another important point! What I noticed is that the other pairings keep losing all them time, if they can’t keep the balance. Pat, stepping in the paper only after Pran and with only one feet is allowing the other to go away at any moment, he keeps talking to him but he only touches him to save Pran from the fall! That really shows how serious Pat is about all of this, he doesn’t want Pran to do or say things he doesn’t want to but he also wants to know what’s going on. -Wai and the friends: I hate and love Wai. He cares about Pran, he sees Pat as a bully probably and that’s why he wants him away, but at the same time I love how they can make the two groups of friends look likeable based on the POV we’re watching. I felt like this episode showed well both of PatPran POVs but at this point is clear that no group is perfect -Breaking the wall, the market scene: Small detail but when they’re at the market and that man tells them they look cute together? None of them denies, showing how Pran actually still wants Pat to be around (also, he leaves the guitar at Wai’s, which is the most noticeable object, but he still keeps things his mom doesn’t know like the watch or airpods)

-At the beach, somewhat a love confession with queer subtext: (First of all I’d like to say that Pat is in Teh’s cosplay or something because those look like his clothes) "without people around, i can sit next to you just fine. but when there are people around, talking to you feels like a matter of life and death." "what can we do? we're just born this way?" It might be a stretch but doesn’t it feel like even if in the series it’s about the families, it could also be about how queer people live real life? We know P’Aof really cares about those themes (he cares about a lot of things in general, like this is the second episode about eco-friendly things) but this convo really touched my heart! Also I think this is the second thing that starts to break the after kiss wall but Pran saying ‘’ If our families weren’t enemies...’’ and the hand touching to me really fells like a confession, at that point is like they both know they’re on the same page about their feelings, Pran doesn’ say it, it would hurt too much to say it out loud (and let’s also admit they’re both full of pride when it comes to each other)

-Room together: That’s why I think Pran’s wall started to break in the beach scene, while during the paper game he was annoyed to be paired up with Pat here he looked hopeful, God knows what would have happened if they were in the same room with all that tension piled up. -Pran taking Pat’s side: I think that’s the second moment where Pran realizes he really can’t ignore Pat. While I don’t like that his friends wanted to beat him up it also served as an excuse to show us (and Pran) how deep he’s into it, how much he could never really ignore the other

-Pran doesn’t want Pat to understand him, his walls would break: For the whole episode I wondered ‘doesn’t Pran want to know what Pat is thinking?’‘ and here I realized that no, he really didn’t want to know and didn’t want the other to know either, he knows Pat, he was how persisten he can be, he doesn’t need him to understand his reasons because he, as he proved the whole episode already, would still fight to be next to him. But then there’s the last thing that makes Pran give up, Pat admitting he doesn’t like Ink and that she knows. Because all along what he needed to give up was for Pat to speak first clearly. Next Post I’ll talk about the bet so click here or look for it on my profile

[kaypeace21]

The kids & teens echo their parents' problematic teachings/mistakes ( narrative analysis).

Brenner (’Papa’) in s1 k*dnapped El (according to Becky/Terry) to makes her into a weapon and spy to "fight the commies". Brenner in s1 also tells her to spy on people using her powers and to repeat the words she hears back to him. El in s3 says she can ″fight” the russians/ “commies” using her powers, spies on the boys and repeats the words she hears- back to Max . And literally in s3 when deciding to go into the void to see the mindflayer; she says a similar phrase brenner said to her in s1 (when discussing her going into the void to interact with the demogorgon). We also see how in s1 she refused to k*ll a cat like Brenner told her to- but in a flashback (between s1-2) she was so desperate for food in the woods she k*lled a squirrel with her powers (something that she felt guilt over).

When Will in a s1 flashback- admits he doesn’t like baseball but is doing it to appease their dad. Jonathan says “don’t like things cause people tell you you’re supposed to. ESPECIALLY not him (Lonnie)” Will in s3 rips up everything he likes-comics, drawings, etc .And  smashes castle byers (*which he originally drew/ and later created with jonathan after their dad left* ) using a baseball bat to do so.We also see in s1-2 Will still has a baseball and baseball mitt in his room (showing he really didn’t takes jonathan’s advice to heart).I also talked about how the destruction of cb also hints at Will’s abandonment issues and internalized homo*phobia-here.

Billy flashbacks show he quite literally became his father/ab*ser. When in a baseball-flashback he calls Billy a "p*ssy" we then see young-Billy get into a fight and call another boy a "p*ssy". We see Neil backhand slap his wife in the face- as kid Billy cries "don't hurt her." But than flayed-Billy backhand slapped Max in the face. Max in s2 even mentions Billy hurts her cause he can’t hurt her mother. And in s2 he hit Steve with a plate- mirroring his mother throwing a plate at Neil. In s2 he also shoved Lucas into a bookshelf after Neil did so to him. And in the st novel ‘runaway-max’ Max mentions Billy’s r*cist beliefs were originally from Neil.

We all see how Will parallels to Billy-aka h*mophobic dads forcing their sons named William play to baseball (and the many other parallels). I also think it’s pretty telling that El in s3 is watching Billy in the void flashbacks- evolve into his father/ab*ser (in the same season her and Will are subconsciously mirroring their ab*sive dads). We see she does empathize with Billy to a certain extent. I talked about it in more depth here. But cliffnote version: El uses the term “pretty” for woman she aspires to be like-Nancy was 1 of them in s1.  So El cries when describing Billy’s mom as “pretty” cause she knows what it’s like to have a mother figure (Terry) stripped away from you because of an ab*sive father - similar to both her & Billy’s experience .

Max tells Lucas she can be angry like Billy sometimes (aka her nickname ‘mad max’) and never wants to be like him. But after this convo she mimics Billy. Earlier, we see Billy in s2 antagonize max and demand her to “say it. say it!”And later Max yells at Billy “say it! say it” and attacks him with a bat. (Baseball was something Neil taught Billy). Showing that even Neil has influenced her to a certain extent (via Billy’s ab*se of Max). And thus showing the generational cycle of ab*se. And it’s also a parallel to Will; since both vent their anger via a bat.

Jonathan & Billy’s are foils. Foils can be characters with some similarities to highlight a key difference between said characters. They have similarities but the biggest difference between them is: despite similar backgrounds one is a good older brother and the other is not. And obviously jonathan, like other characters loosely paralleled to Billy, aren’t b*gots like Billy.But look at the similarities .  Both have homophobic dads who are into baseball , both had their dads shove them into walls, both had a parent abandon them, both are into rock,both are poor, both are attracted to wheeler women,both are older brothers. Both attacked Steve after their younger sibling disappears. Jonathan also tells a story where his dad made him k*ll a rabbit- to " teach him" how to be more like him. Hargrove (Billy's last name) - means "Grove filled with rabbits". And in s4 it's rumored Jonathan works at 'surfer boy" pizza. And who was a surfer boy in s3...billy. I also wanted to breakdown Jonathan & Billy’s fights with Steve ( and how it reflects their father issues… which Steve accidentally triggered):We see Billy and Jonathan both shoved into walls by their father’s . For Billy this is in a direct consequence of Max running away . And for Jonathan- Will’s disappearance (and Jonathan assuming Will ran away to Lonnie’s). Billy first shoves Lucas into the wall similarly to Neil. And both Jonathan and Billy are told to “STOP”. 

Billy mimics his mother-by throwing plates at Steve. And  we see jonathan before the fight to tell nancy to leave and it’s “not worth it” to argue with Steve. However he stops in his tracks when Steve says he’s “like his father”. Then Steve proceeds to insult his family. And  eventually Jonathan who throughout every season is generally portrayed as non confrontational attacks steve.Even when the cops come- Jonathan elbows the cop in the face and kicks steve with handcuffs on and even says handcuffed for the cop to “get off’ (like he told Lonnie earlier -after Lonnie shoved him into the wall).

Both would rather hurt  their own fathers-but Steve (and the cops) were used as their proxy instead. The fights might also reflect what the boys have been taught by their fathers-aka vi*lence. Also on some subconscious level jonathan may have been like-oh you think i’m like my dad? I’ll show you what my dad is like (beats steve with no mercy)

With Dustin, his relationship with Dart in s2 echoes his mom's emotional dependence on her cat, Mews. And as Claudia ( his mom) goes searching for Mews - Dustin goes searching for Dart. 

Kali ,  is a deeply nuanced and often kind character-  but uses her powers to make Brenner “her papa” be  her literal mouth piece when trying to persuade others. Sort of similar to El & Billy repeating words from their papa/dad.

In regards to (Dysfunctional) ROMANCE...

In s1, Nancy says “my parents never loved each other”. Later Jonathan says Nancy is repeating her mom’s mistake of being with someone she doesn’t even love ( by being with Steve). We even see Steve parallel Ted in s2 to hammer down this point . Both give mike advice about “staying on the bench” and the “team”, in s2.  This is also another baseball ref, since Ted mentions Mike “striking” out (Steve also had a baseball- trophy in his room, in s1, as another parallel between the 2). Plus, both steve and Ted eat chicken as both wheeler women storm off  from the dinner table upset. Both Ted/steve were/are athletes who were rich and older . But the st*ncy relationship does end in s2 -and she doesn’t continue to repeat  her mother’s mistakes.

We also see Mike repeating his mother and Nancy’s mistakes -in regards to romance. Mike wears similar shirts as his mom and dad in s3- who are stuck in a loveless marriage. The same season he's in his awkward forced relationship with El. in s3, mother and son are in loveless relationships but are both secretly interested in a dude named William. Yep.

We also have in s3 Mike saying after pissing off El “what did i do wrong?” what did i do wrong?” (2x while eating). Mirroring how Ted after angering Karen says “what did I do? what did i do?” ( 2x while eating).

Or how in s1 Mike encourages El to sit in Ted’s lazeboy saying “that’s where my dad sleeps” .And in s3 -as Karen watches Ted sleep in the laze-boy  the lyrics “ I should have walked away “ play. As she holds back tears regretting her decision to be with him .

This is also why Mike tells El romantic love is “something OLD people say” & Mike tells Will “we’re not KIDS anymore” (and says they have to get girlfriends / can’t live together for the rest of their lives). cause he’s just is trying to mimic his parent’s romantic dynamic with El.

And similar to Steve being compared to Ted (Nancy’s dad) to show st*ncy won’t won’t work out. Mike is paralleled to Hopper (El’s dad) to show m*leven won’t work out . EXAMPLES:

* Both saying to El  to eat “real food” not “eggos.”

* Saying others are “corrupting her” and in response gals say neither guy respect El’s ability to make “decisions” in regards to romance. Hopper not accepting El wanted to be with Mike ( and wants them to break up)  and Mike not accepting she dumped him.

*both  burping on couch eating chips. Hopper is on a lazeboy so kind of a loose parallel to ted.

*explaining promise vs com-promise: and making promises. (Hopper even spells it “com-promise” (to make the parallel more obvious). Steve in s2 also makes a “promise” to Nancy after their breakup.

* Both saying her “(New) look …it’s cool”. Also need to point out Nancy called Steve “cool” to his face after their awkward breakup-to break the ice .Just like mike did in relation to El (after their breakup).

* And  both saying the look is“bitchin” after El says the new look is “bitchin” ,first.

* El saying to Hopper and Mike “you lie.”

* Max saying “find something that feels like you -NOT HOPPER .NOT MIKE- you.”

* We also had mike be called El’s brother & cousin in s1. And in s2 the 2 are paralleled to Luke/leia (siblings).Plus ,there’s the loose parallel of Joyce (El’s foster mom) & Terry (mom) keeping lights up/El’s room decorations up hoping their kid is alive-sort of Like Mike keeping the blanket fort up & talking to El via walkietalkie (like Joyce with the phones to Will).

In s3 Jonathan is called “mother’s son”, and grabs an axe like Joyce does in s1 . Similarly, Will is called “Lonnie’s kid” ,and in s3 mimics Lonnie by grabbing a  bat . Joyce in s3 also wears Jonathan’s s1 shirt. (Comparable, to how Mike wears similar clothes to his parents - and repeats their romantic mistakes- specifically his mother’s).  Which begs the question. What romantic mistakes of his mother is jonathan repeating? Well this is going to be A LOT to break down...

Both Jonathan/Joyce make the same romantic mistakes. (which is why j*ncy/j*pper mirror eachother).  Murray  brings up Lonnie when talking about the potential of J*ancy/J*pper first getting together.Both j*pper and j*ncy get into a yelling match in cars in s3. And Murray asks if both ships are having "lovers quarrels '.

When describing j*pper in the car , Murray says Joyce thinks of Hopper as a “brute” that reminds her of a past "bad relationship" (lonnie) and that she wants to be with a “good guy” (like bob)  but that she’s “curious how (Hopper) is in the sac’ - ‘sac’ is slang for bed. Murray also says in the car to j*pper " cut the horsesh*t -and admit your sexual feelings for eachother”. Mirroring  In s2 murray saying for j*ncy to " cut the bullsh*t -and share the damn bed '. Notice Murray emphases the physical relationship more than the emotional- saying J*ncy should go to the “bed” and Jopper the ‘sac’ (slang for bed) in order to cut the horse/bull-sh*t.

The first thing we see of j*ncy in s3ep1 is them literally them sharing a bed , half dressed after b*nging, lipstick on Jonathan's face. Then Joyce (wearing jonathan’s s1 shirt)-points to and touches the lipstick on his face. After this J*ncy gets in the car - and as Nancy yells at jonathan to not give her a ‘jonathan byer’s pep talk’, he sighs /agrees , and Nancy applies her lipstick . Showing  a stark contrast between their physical chemistry vs emotional chemistry. (And how this connects to Joyce and Jonathan being similar in their romantic entanglements-let me elaborate.)

The shirt Joyce wears in s3 is originally worn in a s1 flashback, where  jonathan(in his room) tells Will not to mimic Lonnie’s teachings (about baseball). But also when Jonathan hears his parents arguing on the phone.

We see in s1-present time (after Will goes missing) -Jonathan watching Joyce on the phone begging for Lonnie to respond. Jonathan in s3 specifically gets offended Nancy waited a whole night to call him about an emergency (that may relate to Will)- because when Joyce begged Lonnie to call her back over an emergency about Will- Lonnie never called her back. Heck in s1 & 2 we even have a scene of Joyce getting annoyed at hearing Hopper & Lonnie’s answering machines. 

We even have the Nancy applying Lipstick scene parallel the j*ncy phone convo.  Nancy saying to not give a Jonathan byers’ “peptalk-right now”/ “lecture-right now” (positive and negative words)cause “ I really don’t need/give a sh*t”.

And maybe it’s a stretch but Jonathan saying to Nancy (while shooting Lonnie’s gun).“ I guess *he ( and my mother* must have loved eachother { at some point}” . Reminds me of  Nancy saying to Jonathan in s3 “ I guess *we* just don’t understand eachother {anymore}”.

Jonathan even brought up his father-in his car fight with Nancy. So i believe this line comparison was intentional by the writers. In both the j*ncy/j*pper car fights Lonnie is brought up. Lonnie affects Joyce and Jonathan’s relationships without even having to be around.

Also , yes, I’m aware that neither side was entirely right in the s3 j*ncy fight (nor am I excusing what Jonathan did to Nancy in s1).But let’s break something down- Nancy causes him to lose his job (which he needs to support his family /for his own college-since his dad isn’t around). And then Nancy says “here comes the Oliver twist routine again” (showing she doesn’t care much about his poverty that Oliver and Jonathan share or the fact -similar to Oliver-a parent is gone). Than right after Jonathan brings up his dad-she really put salt in his wounds calling him an “assh*le” (like Nancy called Lonnie- right before jancy first hooked up).

Nancy does apologize  and says she never even thought he was like “those assh*les” and “never meant it”. But Jonathan just dismisses the remark  by saying she just said it "in anger”- and then jonathan says to Nancy he’s “completely, entirely, mortifying wrong” for the fight. Which -no ... he wasn’t. Even Nancy did a double take at his comment- and Jonathan smirks cause they know it’s bs to patch up their fight. Than Jonathan says to not let it get to her head .which it immediately does as she says “i look forward to you never doubting me again.” But you know he’s probably emulating what Joyce used to say to pacify Lonnie. Cause (similar to Nancy in anger) Lonnie in anger called Joyce “an assh*le” too- while hypocritically attacking her parenting. And Jonathan says nothing to this. But does excuse Nancy for doing so to him-by dismissing it as just anger/the fact she didn’t mean it. what is telling is in that same”assh*le” convo -Lonnie says about Jonathan’s words “ SEE. (cough audience) that’s your mother talking RIGHT THERE”. Again illustrating how he mimics  Joyce (especially in dysfunctional romantic dynamics).

The first scene of j*ncy in s3 after “sharing the bed” is even a back to the future ref-a film name dropped in s3 (by steve/robin who mention the creepy  parent /son vibes in the film) . Jonathan puts on his pants and trips and falls face first. This in ‘back to the future’ happens to Marty -when a younger-version of his parent hits on him. yikes...

We also know how Billy & Jonathan are foils. SO (another parallel/contrast is)... Billy is attracted to  mrs.wheeler cause she subconsciously reminded him of the parent (mother) who abandoned him as a kid. Jonathan is attracted to miss Wheeler ( Nancy) cause subconsciously she reminds him of the parent (father) who abandoned him as a kid. Both are subconsciously  getting into unhealthy relationships to fill that void of abandonment-caused by their parent.

*Also people seem to forget part of the reason Jonathan made a move on Nancy In s2 was to PROVE he didn’t have ‘trust issues’ relating to his dad. Which he does.

He’s internalized his parent’s romantic dynamic to a certain extent- he’s just more in the Joyce Role.  While Nancy fits more so in the Lonnie role (no I’m not saying she’s as bad Lonnie- it’s just a lose parallel).

It’s especially ironic since he criticized Nancy for “rebelling” and making the same romantic mistakes as her mother. And telling her she’ll just end up with someone like her dad. And that st*ncy will be “like your parents who you found so depressing”. He wasn’t wrong - st*ncy was like karen/ted. But-Yikes. J*ncy is resembling Joyce/Lonnie too. Both Nancy pairings fit Jonathan’s expression of being in a relationship that resembles their  parents. ‘Black meet kettle’ (google that expression if confused). Nice work buddy you played yourself XD.

*Also, in s1, during Jonathan’s relationship lecture to Nancy, he throws in the mention of the  ‘cul-de-sac’ because Nancy mentioned at the sh**ting range how her parents moved there to make the perfect nuclear family . Symbolically I think it’s fitting that’s where the wheeler-parents moved to since it can translate to ”a route or course leading nowhere.” Nancy also states she thinks her parents never loved eachother (st*ncy-aka Nancy saying she “loved “ steve when she didn’t). She mentions this after Jonathan says he wasn’t around for when his parents supposedly loved eachother (j*ncy- they have strong feelings for eachother-but are just not compatible). But, unlike j*ncy, i don’t think Lonnie ever loved Joyce -but Jonathan despite hating him- thought he must have loved Joyce at some point (despite never seeing proof) . Cause when Nancy says her parents never loved eachother he just says “must have married for some reason?”(aka he assumes love=marriage). So i think both j*ncy & st*ncy loosely parallel their parent’s romantic dynamics (at least to a certain degree). Even the camera angle during the s3 j*ncy  fight- emphasizes  Nancy’s side profile -reminiscent of the s1 convo where her and jonathan talk about their parent’s messed up relationships.

Ok back to discussing the shirt of Joyce & Jonathan.The shirt Joyce wears that’s originally jonathan’s is shown when Jonathan tells Will not to mimic Lonnie’s teachings / Jonathan hears Joyce arguing with Lonnie via phone. The other time Jonathan grabs the shirt is when he’s in his room (and thinks he hears Joyce on the phone) .It’s also worn by Joyce as she brings attention to the lipstick (which is a symbol of fighting/mostly the physical chemistry of j*ncy).   And Joyce also wears this shirt when she  picks up the bob drawing and sadly caresses it.

Later (in the same shirt) after Hopper asks her out :Joyce watches cheers (Ep “rescue me”) and jopper is compared to Dianne and fraiser. Diane says as joyce is listening to the tv “He (fraiser) had a couple of sips of Chianti tonight and asked me to marry him.” At dinner Hopper orders a chianti  while being stood up by Joyce. And Dianne and Frasier don’t marry and are also not endgame, cause she ditches him at the alter.

The other ep of cheers she watches in s3 was with Bob in a flashback , and was called “ the rebound part 2″ in reference to Fraiser (aka Hopper). He’s just a rebound to Bob-why she’s thinking of Bob after Hopper asked her out. Aka lIke Murray said to her later in s3-she really does want to be with a “nice man” like Bob but goes for men that aren’t necessarily good for her- that she gets in yelling matches with similar to Hopper/Lonnie. Because she’s curious how they’re “like in the SAC”.

Also is it a parallel to Karen & Ted who are together living in a loveless marriage in a cul-de-SACK? like the “sac”?maybeeee... This is the same season Karen (stuck in her loveless marriage) says J*pper is ‘odd’ -but oblivious Ted just puts a hand on her shoulder and says “well you know what they say. Someone for everyone” . Karen turns to Ted, back at j*pper: SIGHS DEEPLY. Ted while jopper stare at eachother: “Holy smokes”.

Also, I’m not saying Nancy & Hopper are as bad as lonnie it’s just a loose comparison- that Joyce & Jonathan lean into relationships that involve a lot of “lover’s quarrels” and s*x (rather than something more emotionally healthy).

You could also argue that m*leven /St*ncy being called bullsh*t (aka not in love) ties to Murray saying about the j*ncy/J*pper “cut the bullsh*t/horseh*t” (as foreshadowing that it’s not healthy either). Nancy even says in s1 : her h**king up with Steve is “b*llshit” as foreshadowing. But in s1, she also says Jonathan’s ‘romantacized excuse’ for wrongly taking her pic was also “b*llshit” so it could be foreshadowing too?

We also see St has this recurrent theme : characters A’s bf/gf paralleling character A’s parent- st*ncy (not endgame),j*ncy( TBD?),m*leven ( TBD?)

Similar to how Nancy/Steve parallels her parents, Nancy/Jonathan parallels his parents, Nancy/steve also parallels Steve’s parents. It’s implied Steve's dad in s1 cheated on steve's mother (but she still stays with him and follows him on his business trips cause she doesn’t trust him to not cheat).  Tommy saying it’s a “good call” for her to do so. Making the fact Steve wrongfully assumed Nancy cheated on him (with jonathan) in s1 probably sting more. Steve- even after this wrong assumption is clarified- still doesn’t trust Nancy and  echos his mom in s2 saying he could stay in Hawkins for a year-so he can “look after her” and so she won’t “forget (his) pretty face.” Mirroring his mom. Later, after their fight at the party he calls jonathan Nancy’s " other boyfriend' . Showing he always feared inf*delity/Nancy cheating on him with jonathan (after s1). Later after this fight (and or breakup) Tommy  is the first to throw it in Steve’s face that Nancy went  away with Jonathan. After this- Steve once again- tries to get back with/makeup with Nancy .  Not even getting into whether or not they were officially broken up when Nancy ‘left town’ and hooked with jonathan. Cause people on both sides constantly debate it- I constantly go back and forth with myself over the answer ,tbh. Nancy dancing to the lyric “every vow you break” is up to you to interpret. The singer Sting divorced in 1984 (same year as s2) following his affa*r -which is how the song “every breath you take” came to be in the first place.  And it’s about spying on your ex and monitoring them- cough like how l*max and m*lven also had spying elements and danced to the song (mindflayer spying). And sort of like Steve wanting to watch Nancy out of romantic insecurity. I'm not dying on either hill tbh on whether st*ncy were already broken up. ( I think the Duffers made it debatable/ambiguous on purpose).  The point is Steve mimicked his mother to a certain extent: cause that behavior of staying despite possible infidelity (or just staying despite having so little trust in your partner you assumed they’d cheat unless you watched them) was normalized by her.  Either option isn’t healthy.But , regardless, we see Steve actually decides it’s best to be apart-unlike his mother. ps: Steve in s1 called his dad an “a$$h*le” , similar to Lonnie being called that as well. 

Similar to how Mike tries to emulate his parent’s dynamics into his own romantic relationship (in s3)-lucas does the same.Lucas' dad in s2 says to Lucas that when his wife is mad the 1st thing he does is apologize and then to buy her whatever she wants. In s3 we see Lucas sort of misinterpret his dad’s words . When giving Mike romantic advice he says "get them some thing pretty that says I'm sorry"(he forgot the whole first step of verbally apologizing and jumps right to the presents just being a symbol for the actual apology) . 

 In this same s2 convo  Lucas asks his dad “what if she’s wrong?” And his dad JOKES “she’s never wrong” . But kid-Lucas takes this literally (when it was clearly a joke). So when Mike asks in s3 “what did I do wrong?”. Lucas says Mike did “nothing” wrong  (which Mike most certainly was wrong) and he implies men always have to apologize even if the girl is wrong-  so Mike is the “victim”. 

And  before I hear it.No. I won’t tolerate Lucas hate/villifying here (in comments/reblogs)-so don’t try it! He’s literally a kid in middle school.  And every character has flaws that they’re unlearning.I shouldn’t have to say this . It should be obvious - that every character is nuanced and evolving.but there’s a double standard in this fandom when it comes to characters that are poc: we see how people villify Kali despite her good points and than act like Billy is a saint - sigh. And i still remember the weird lucas hate from s1.  i don’t want to contribute to that bs in the fandom or be accused of such.Anyways... I digress

 The whole point of this post is to analyze parental (& other nuanced characterizations or) dynamics-not ‘attack’ your fav character/ship. Although I’ll be honest most of the ships mentioned- i don’t have much hope for being endgame XD.I love the characters, though.My hope (and assumption) is most of the characters i’ve discussed will see what they’re doing and actively stop repeating their parent’s questionable teachings/dynamics.

 Also fun fact- it’s very telling we had the 2 main villains in s1 be 'Papa' (terrorizing el) and a creature that in d&d is a demon called "the deep father" (terrorizing Will). In s1, Nancy even describes the demogorgan as “like a lion” & Lonnie’s name literally means “lion’.

Not to mention all the other parallels between Lonnie and the monsters- which I talked about it here .

[londonalozzy]

Stop Pretending (TFATWS)

Fandom: Marvel

Pairing: Bucky x Reader

Genre: Romance, Angst

Summary: The reader thinks she's doing a stellar job of keeping her feelings for a certain soldier buried deep inside. Turns out, all it takes is an observant new friend to begin the unraveling of her most precious secret (Spoilers for TFATWS)

Masterlist

Word: Pretence

Definition: A way of acting that is intended to deceive people.

Example: Saying that he's just a friend when he's really the love of your life.

Your POV

Being caught in the midst of war is something that I, (Y/N) (Y/L/N)  know all too well. As a war vet, former shield agent, and now Avenger I'm used to being centered amongst conflict. When the fight begins within me though, a battle between what I want and what I think is right, how will I react? Will I listen to my heart, my head, or will the winner be chosen for me?

Delacroix, Louisiana.....

I love my sleep, always have, always will. It's not necessarily the comfort of the bed, the quiet or even the rest. It's the fact that I'm at peace when I sleep. My life has a tendency to fall apart when I'm awake, so anything that will put that off for as long as possible I savor.

I wish it were the same for a certain super soldier in my life. I look forward to going to bed, everything calms down then, and for most people it's the same. For Bucky however, it's when everything starts, the nightmares, the terrors, the seemingly unending darkness. If only I could take his pain away like he has with mine.

For the last few weeks, my life had, for want of a better word, been hectic. Hectic to say the least.

After the eventual defeat of Thanos and the loses we endured as a result, I thought naively that life might calm down a bit, that I'd have time to breathe, to live. How wrong I was.

It all began with John Walker being announced to the world as the new Captain America.

I was baking cookies with Morgan in the Stark family kitchen when it came over the radio. As that latest turn of events sunk in, my first thoughts were of Bucky, what that would do to him. Not even an hour later I had said my goodbyes and was on my way to help him get the shield back.

Since then even more had happened. We'd regrouped with Sam, busted Zemo out of prison which in turn ruffled the feathers of Ayo and the Dora Milaje. We came face to face with Morgenthou and the Flag Smashers, and finally witnessed the man who thought he could even compete with Steve, make himself judge, jury and most significantly executioner.

After that went around the world we knew we had to end it sooner rather than later. It couldn't get much worse than Captain America becoming a murderer. We got the shield back, which was a fight all in itself. Handed Zemo over to Ayo, to try and recompense for the distrust we'd instilled in the people who'd helped us so much. Then we travelled to stay with Sam and his family in Louisiana whilst we waited for Karli's next move.

This is where we found ourselves now, in the eye of it, the calm before the storm.

Waking up in the Wilson households guest room, I was greeted to the golden hue of the rising sun penetrating through the single glaze windows, and the melodic sounds of gulls on the hunt for their morning meal down by the docks.

Actually, no that's not right. What I could hear was most certainly not birds, and it was definitely not melodic. What were those boys doing?

Quickly and quietly I threw on the first clothes I could get my hands on and made my way downstairs towards the noise. What caught my attention when I discovered the source, was not the two youngest Wilson boys playing with our newly reacquired shield in the living room, but the super solider who was blissfully ignorant to it all, sleeping peacefully on the couch in front of them. I don't think I'd ever been so happy.

"Right you two, if you're determined to play Avengers all morning then I suggest you re-assemble in the back yard. You're gonna wake Bucky up," I whispered out in one breath, stepping between the boys, then placing my hands on their backs and tip toeing them towards the door.

"So what if we wake him up? It's gone 10am," Cass questioned in protest, pulling on his sneakers and jacket.

"Exactly! Which is why if you do as I say, I will make you the biggest plate of waffles for breakfast that you've ever seen."

The boys eyes lit up. "Can we have ice cream with it? Mum never lets us have ice cream for breakfast, and I'm sure there's a tub of Stark raving hazelnuts in the freezer," AJ clapped in muted excitement. "Oh, for God's sake.....Yes. You can have whatever you want if you get out of this house now and keep the noise down."

Once the boys were outside, I made my way over to the kitchen, stopping on the way to lean over my favourite senior citizen and make sure that he was still peaceful in his slumber. He'd never looked so relaxed, so at ease. It was a brand new Bucky I'd never seen before, a Bucky that had my heart pounding for him even more than it normally did. Not that he knew any of that.

Half an hour later and up to my elbows in waffle mix, I failed to notice my new friend and host Sarah making her way to my side at the counter, the huge smile on my face not going unnoticed. "What's got you grinning like the Cheshire cat, like I need to ask?"

"Bucky's sleeping. Isn't it amazing?" I spoke softly, bouncing up and down on my feet as I did so.

"And why is that?" She couldn't looked more confused if she tried.

"In all the years I've known him, I don't think I've ever woken up before he has. If his nightmares don't keep him awake all night, they normally have him up before the crack of dawn. I don't think I've ever seen him so still."

"Good answer," Sarah nodded in a hush, understanding why this meant so much to me, but not done yet with her morning interrogations, "Now on to my next question......"

"I'm already not liking the sound of this."

"Sleeping Beauty over there follows you around like a little puppy dog. He hangs on your every word, looks at you like you hung the stars or something. It's pretty obvious how crazy he is about you, so when are you gonna stop pretending that you're not head over heels in love with him?"

"I don't know what you're talking about Wilson," I smiled forcefully, making out like the waffle maker deserved my attention way more than the conversation I was being made to have.

This was all Sam's doing, without a shadow of a doubt. He'd tried to have this conversation with me on multiple occasions and I shut him down every time. He obviously hadn't given up like I thought he did, and decided to draft in his sister. He is seriously gonna regret it when I find him.

"Sure you know what I'm talking about. Sam sees it, I don't even know you that well and I see it. The only reason Bucky doesn't, is because he doesn't believe he could ever be that lucky. You're a smitten kitten." These Wilson's are all as annoying as each other.

Knowing I wasn't getting out of this one, I grabbed Sarah by the arm and pulled her right into the corner of the room, trying my best to keep this convo as private as possible. "Look, I'm not pretending.....I'm ignoring. There's a difference."

"Care to explain what that difference is?" Sarah spoke softly, but with a sarcastic air.

Turning to look over my shoulder at the subject of our conversation, making sure he was still safely in the land of nod, I decided to just be honest. Sarah was much like her brother. Once she wanted to get to the bottom of something she wasn't about to give up.

"I love Bucky, more than I've ever loved anyone...and that terrifies me," the rawness of finally being honest making my voice shake, and tears come to my eyes. "Nat was like my sister, and she's dead. Tony was the closest I've ever gotten to having a Dad...and he's dead too. Then there's Steve, Vision, God knows where Wanda is....Everyone I love, either leaves or dies. If I admit my feelings for Buck then I face the risk of losing him too."

"Do you have any idea how crazy you sound right now? He's not going to die because you love him (Y/N)."

Silent tears were falling now. I was revealing my deepest fears to a woman I'd only known a few days, and I'm not underplaying it when I say it was like a colossal weight off my chest, a release I didn't know I needed. "Believe me...I know, but I can't take that risk. I can't lose anyone else, especially not him."

"Let's just say for a second that you're right, that there is some higher power somewhere, set on destroying everyone you love. Do you really think ignoring your feelings is going to make them disappear?" I didn't know what to say to that. "Natasha and Stark died so that everyone could continue living, and (Y/N) you're not living as long as you keep this to yourself. They wouldn't want that for you."

"But what if I lose him?" I whispered with a choked sigh.

"Then at least he'll die knowing how you felt about him. After everything he's been through don't you think he deserves to know there's someone out there who loves him like you do?"

"Of course..."

Sarah's lips pulled upwards in a satisfied smirk, wrapping her arm around my shoulder and giving it a comforting squeeze, "then you owe it to yourself, and to him, to tell him the truth."

"Why do all you Wilson's have to be so clever?" I voiced in mock irritation, pushing her away from me and acting like I was annoyed she had gotten one up on me.

"I don't know," she thought aloud and with a cheeky grin, grabbing a plate to start piling on the long forgotten waffles, "I think it might be the sea air or something."

"Nah, it's in the genes," I chuckled quietly, grabbing my jacket and deciding it was time to get this conversation wrapped up. "I'll go find Sam and the boys for breakfast. Clear my head a little bit."

"You promise you're gonna tell him?" Sarah stopped me as I went to push the door open.

"I'll think about it."

3rd person POV

Once (Y/N) was out of ear shot, Sarah couldn't help but start jumping up and down in excitement, clapping her hands loudly as she did so. That went even better than she thought it would, and she was so proud of herself. Sarah Wilson could now add matchmaker to her resume.

"Coast is clear Barnes. You can open your eyes now."

(Y/N) had no idea what she had metaphorically walked into just minutes earlier, entering that very revealing conversation with her overly inquisitive host.

What drew Sarah to come down that morning was the sounds of both the front porch door opening and the smell of homemade waffles wafting up the stairs. As she entered the kitchen she was met with two sights. One being (Y/N), facing the counter and looking very smiley, the other being a wide awake super soldier who was just laying on the couch and staring at her, the sole object of his affection. Sarah could work with this.

Every time (Y/N) turned back in his direction, Bucky would close his eyes and pretend to be asleep again. He had never slept so soundly, so peacefully, thoughts of (Y/N) and his new friends filling his nightmare free dreams.

He'd initially woken to (Y/N) ushering the boys outside because she was afraid they would wake him up. He didn't want to disappoint her by proving her right. Besides, he liked just watching her move around the kitchen, completely unaware he was observing her the whole time. He had no idea about the conversation that was just about to happen.

After (Y/N) had left and Sarah had confirmed so, Bucky sat himself up, his body shaking with adrenaline and a look of complete shock fixed on his face. Had he definitely woken up, or had the whole thing been a part of his dream? Did (Y/N) seriously just admit that she was in love with him?

Bucky didn't know how to react, didn't know what to say as he looked up at a smug Sarah from his spot. All he'd ever wanted was for (Y/N) to feel the same way about him as he did about her. Now he knew that she did.

"You're welcome by the way."

[spencermyangel]

could I get a prompt where it's either Morgan or Hotch in a relationship with Spencer but bc Spencer was abused, has trouble speaking up, it's his first relationship ect he goes along with sex (no nsfw, just the convo/fallout) even though he isn't ready and his partner doesn't know until Spencer breaks down and admits it. Lots of h/c and resulting communication and fluff?

CW - Past Abuse

Throughout his life Spencer had never felt comfortable voicing his boundaries or feelings, he was taught from a young age by his father that he was to do as he was told. So, when he and Hotch started a relationship, he knew he couldn’t do anything to make Hotch upset. 

One day they were watching a movie together and throughout the night Hotch and Spencer had been getting more and more close and flirty. Hotch kissed Spencer’s neck and his hands drifted down to his belt. Spencer tensed at the feeling and his heart sped up. 

“Want to see you,” Hotch whispered in his ear. 

Spencer gulped as panic spread through him, he wasn’t ready. But what would Hotch do if he said no? Would he get angry with him? Spencer tried to calm himself, “okay,” he breathed out. His heart ached and his thoughts ran wild as he let Hotch take off his clothes. 

*

Hotch stared out his office window at his younger boyfriend. Spencer had been acting off the past few weeks. He seemed anxious when Hotch touched him, and he was wearing layers of clothing, which wasn’t too uncommon, but he seemed to always feel self conscious and exposed. Hotch decided he would discuss it with him when they returned home. 

“Spencer, we need to talk,” Hotch said as they entered their home. 

Spencer froze, “Um ok-okay,” he stammered, following Hotch to the living room as his thoughts ran wild. Did Hotch know he wasn’t ready? Was he angry at him for not wanting and enjoying it? 

“I’m worried about you,” Hotch started, looking into Spencer’s eyes with concern, “you’ve been acting upset the past few weeks. Did something happen?”  

Spencer shook his head but the worry and compassion on Hotch’s face made him let out a soft cry. 

“Spencer,” Hotch wrapped his arm around Spencer, frowning when he flinched. “Please tell me what’s wrong,” he begged. 

“I’m sorry,” Spencer sobbed, “please don’t be mad.” 

“Why would I be mad?” Hotch asked, his brows furrowed. 

Spencer sniffled and stared at his legs, “I wasn’t ready,” he finally admitted, his voice soft and sad. 

“Ready for what?” 

More tears streamed down Spencer’s face, “to have sex,” he choked out. 

Hotch’s eyes widened and he felt as though he had been punched in the gut, “Why didn’t you say anything?” 

This caused Spencer to look up at Hotch. He blinked back tears and mumbled, “I didn’t want to make you angry.” 

Hotch sighed, his heart breaking, “you could never make me angry by telling me you’re not comfortable with something. I don’t want us to do something you’re uncomfortable with, and I’m so sorry you felt like I would.” 

Spencer too in what Hotch said, “It wasn’t your fault. It’s just… my dad. He would always punish me if I told him I was uncomfortable with something.”

“I’m sorry,” Hotch told him, “I want you to know I need you to always tell me when you are uncomfortable with something, okay?”

“Okay,” Spencer whispered.

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