#but i want to prove to myself that i *can* get there if i put in the effort

[emptymanuscript]

I feel like one of the most important distinctions you can make is between the personal and the public.

There are things I want, personally, that I should not have because of the negative consequences.

When I am hurt, I want to hit back. This is totally acceptable as a personal feeling. It is not acceptable as a public policy. The monopoly of violence SHOULD belong to the state so that it can’t be used for personal advantage. There’s nothing preventing me in my rage from hitting back infinitely harder than whatever hurt was done to me. An interested party who is operating on pure emotional reactivity is the person least qualified to make the fairest decision. Turning that power over to a bureaucracy is the surest way to make the decision as neutral as it can be because it will move through a process that can’t feel emotions.

I, personally, absolutely want to get a rocket launcher and shoot it through the front door of the Fox news building. Just burn it all. They all fucking deserve to die, down to the cockroaches in the walls for being willing to live with them.

I, as a matter of public policy, absolutely believe that it is the duty of the law and society to protect the people at Fox from ME and my desires. I not only should not be allowed, I should be (and am, for anyone worried) actively prevented from taking any steps toward that desire.

Maturity and civilization both depend on the personal sacrifice of one’s own immediate desires for the sake of a larger and longer term good. Just because I want it doesn’t mean I should have it. It is instead requisite for me to think about the larger implications of fulfilling my desires.

And this can be damn basic. When I first wake up in the morning, I don’t want to get out of bed, feed myself, do all that basic life stuff. I want someone to bring everything to me and make it easy for me. Assuming I don’t just want to go back to sleep. But think about that from a public policy standpoint. That right there is the basis for slavery. So, no, even that very basic and natural desire should not be allowed to grow beyond that tiny little ennui in my heart. I should picture a very tiny violin and get going.

Frankly, personally, I hope every single Trump supporter experiences intense and personal betrayal, suffering until they literally pray to take their vote back because they have suffered so much. And then they should die anyway. Painfully. Pathetically. While I laugh at them. Until the American People reverse the election in sheer desperation for mercy.

And, as a matter of public policy, I know that is not ok. None of it. I’m not ok with the another political faction doing it. And the rules can’t change depending on which political faction is in power, otherwise they aren’t rules. Otherwise no one is ever safer or better off than how we treat the worst person because it’s only the matter of a vote to put someone else in that position.

There, but for a different electoral outcome, go I.

The first link of the chain binds everyone because we CANNOT control the chain.

In some ideal dream world, I would be perfectly in charge of everything and it would go exactly how I want and I could have every little desire AND make sure it didn’t run away from me and have everything prove I was perfectly correct about all my opinions and they would build statues to me because I was such a great and beloved overlord.

And pretty much the exact opposite of that is what you should expect from the real world.

It is NEVER you.

I will NEVER be the sole person in charge pulling all the strings.

No one is EVER the sole person in charge pulling all the strings.

Even absolute dictators have to deal with other powerful people. That’s literally the history of our democratic lineage. Enough powerful nobles forced an absolute monarch to cede them rights in writing for all time and that started the ball rolling to where we are, which none of them anticipated and they wouldn’t be ok with it.

It’s NEVER you. You cannot force the world to live up to your desires. You are ALWAYS in negotiation with everything else.

So you are NEVER safe from or immune to the public policies you press for.

You HAVE to fight for public policies to treat the very worst person with the minimum dignity and respect you feel you should be entitled to because you are NEVER more than a simple redefinition to being the very worst person. The people you love are NEVER more than one rash decision or accident away from suffering all the consequences you want to inflict on those you hate.

Public Policy NEEDS to be us checking our ego at the door and pushing for better than our best selves. Because public policy can enact the vicious impulses of our worst selves with infinitely greater power and horror.

Even for those you HATE, it is all too easy to see atrocities out of your nightmares play out in front of you while you pray to take it back because you didn’t mean THIS. This is too awful. This is inhuman. Because yes, it is. Public Policy isn’t human. It is emergent. And you CANNOT control the emergent properties. You cannot hold back its worst impulses because they’re not just yours.

The best you can do is try to give it all your most reasoned and generous mercy. All you can do is try and peel your pettiness and passions out of that inhuman clockwork in the hope that it won’t devour people if you don’t give it that directive.

Does that mean we can’t feel anger and hatred and fear and all those emotions?

That’s not how being human works. You could try and repress them but then it’ll just squeeze out somewhere else. No. You get all that. You get to feel it. You get to process it. You get to use it to make PERSONAL decisions.

I’m a Jew and I am officially saying, as far as I am concerned for myself, you can think of me as a Kike, think I am going to hell, block me, ignore me, refuse to use my business. You can throw the Musk gesture. You can say that the world would be better off without me because the Jews are evil and drink the blood of babies. You will have to live with me hating you back but that’s fine as a personal interaction. We don’t have to like each other. We can live together AND hate each other AND have it still function.

The COST for having all three of those things at once is that you still have to fight for my rights and protections in the public square and I still have to fight for yours. We both have to push for Public Policy to protect the other because we can’t predict who will end up where. Yes, in a perfectly just world, I firmly believe the Nazi would get the worst treatment. But we don’t live in a perfect world. And history has shown that it is frequently the worst people on top instead of on the bottom.

So it’s gotta go the other way, too. It’s NEVER you on top. But it jolly well can be the people you hate pulling the levers to put you on the bottom. So you have to check the power of the dictator because you can’t control who it will be for the same reason you have to protect the rights of the villains. Because it’s just one switch away from all the weapons you gave yourself from being turned on you.

Feel what you feel. But advocate for better. Or you are living on borrowed time.

I do actually care marginally about the guy in that reddit screenshot who voted for Trump and is now worried that he might lose his medicaid funding because I did not fucking stutter when I said healthcare is a human right but the people losing their internships and job offers to the hiring freeze are straight up hilarious.

[ducklingpia]

Alright so can we talk about the Rafayel to Caleb girlie - pipeline because I’m seeing something interesting

I feel like a lot of Rafayel girlies are so into Caleb right now. Like I saw a lot of us posting about Gege and discussing about his storyline more than other girlies does.

What is with us here? 😂

I saw the post talking about Caleb is for the only-child/ or oldest child who grow up ALONE and I was like, hold on a minute. I think I cracked the code

1. We do have a type. A complex, have a tragic back story but also very passionate man. The type to not be very easy to love. But will be the most loyal& devoted to you through thick and thin

2. From howl in howl's moving castle to Prince Zuko to Gojo Satoru to Oikawa to Rafayel to Caleb- something like that

3. Plus if you are an ARMY, who's your bias in BTS and why it is Min Yoongi??

4. You are not scared of a complicated (fictional) man, you’re not scared to put in the effort for them, to understand and get to know who they are (bc maybe nobody has ever put an effort to really understand you before)

5. And you’re the type to not scared of their ‘flaws’ or ‘imperfections’ (bc you also have some parts of you that is not perfect and you know they would accept them as what it is)

6. you're attracted to someone who doesn’t care if you make mistakes or not be a perfect human being all the time (because you have to be like that all your life)

7. We need a man who is a little bit intense. For some people they’re too overbearing, but for you it's just right. Someone who’s not scared to be ‘too much’ for you in terms of expressing their love (bc that’s what you fear you are so you learn to keep most of your emotions to yourself- leaning more on avoidant side)

8. The kinda guy who would hide their emotional side behind those playful gazes (bc sometimes you did that too)

9. THE BANTER, they have to be a bit of playfulness from them and be able to joke about serious stuffs with you

10. You need someone to heal your inner child. A part from you that never got taken care of

Now with the only child who grew up ALONE topic

As an only child, I grow up in a household where every woman in my life are living the life of “Strong, independent, girlboss” woman to the point of burning themselves on the ground. I see the cycle repeating for several generations until my own.

I grow up mostly alone, having to take care of myself in every aspects. And I mostly did it well.

But In reality, I just can’t effort to be reckless. Because if I don’t take care of myself and keep myself in check, nobody else will.

(Nobody will save me but me)

For some people the “Yandere” side of Caleb are a red-flag but for me?

to have a man care about you and taking care of you all the time? Notices about every details in your life and makes sure you never have to lift a finger? the man who's so down bad and would burn the world down for just you alone?

That’s my wet dream, A fantasy.

unlike MC, maybe because I have to live as an independent woman my whole life. I have nothing to proved.

I just want to be loved.

I just want to be a woman

I just want to just 'be'

His doting & overprotective personality healed the little girl inside me.

Same with Rafayel, being with him always heals my inner child that I never fully experience as a kid.

Both of them are so 🥺🤌🏻🤌🏻🤌🏻

[snowysosturn]

Fire & Desire - Matt Sturniolo Part 12

Part 1 Part 2 Part 3 Part 4 Part 5 Part 6 Part 7 Part 8 Part 9 Part 10 Part 11 Part 12

Pairing: Y/n x Matt Sturniolo

Summary: Y/n has always clashed with Matt. Despite working for Chris’s clothing brand and being close with Nick, her relationship with Matt has always been tense at best. While being forced to be around each other more, their animosity turns into something deeper. Can they overcome their differences, or will their fiery emotions tear them apart?

Warnings: angst, tension, arguments, mentions of alcohol, being intoxicated

I sat cross legged at the small vanity in my room, blending out the last bit of highlighter on my cheekbones. My outfit I had planned to wear was already laid out on the bed behind me, ready for the evening ahead. My hair was half done, still tied back loosely as I finished off my makeup. It felt nice to have a little time to myself to unwind and prepare, especially after the long day of travelling.

I was in the middle of putting eyeliner in my waterline when I heard a knock at the door. "Come in" I called out, not looking away from the mirror as I focused on not poking my eye.

The door creaked open, and I glanced at the reflection to see Matt stepping in, a glass in his hand. "Vodka lemonade" he said, his voice still carrying the unmistakable slur of someone who had had a little too much to drink.

I turned fully to face him, raising an eyebrow. "You remembered what I drink?"

He shrugged, his grin lopsided but genuine. "Of course. Hard to forget when its the only thing you drink"

I rolled my eyes, taking the glass from him. "Thanks, I guess" I said, swirling the liquid before taking a sip. The moment it hit my tongue, I winced, coughing slightly. "Oh my god Matt! All I can taste is vodka!"

He laughed, leaning against the doorframe like it was holding him upright. "Yeah well, you’ve got some catching up to do. Consider it motivation."

I shook my head, setting the glass down on the vanity. "It’s almost like you’re trying to kill me" I teased, but there wasn’t any bite to my words.

He gave me a wink, nearly stumbling in the process, and we both laughed. For a moment, it was like we never hated each other. It was weird. Today, we’d actually been nice to each other. From the plane to downstairs to now, it was almost like we’d turned a corner. Or maybe the alcohol had simply dulled his usual sarcasm.

Matt straightened up and glanced around my room, his eyes landing on the green crochet outfit on the bed. "That what you’re wearing tonight?" he asked, nodding toward it.

"Yep" I said, turning back to the mirror to finish my eye makeup. "I’m just hoping it comes to get the way I have it in my head."

"Bet it’ll look good" he said, his tone softer than I expected. When I glanced back at him, he was already heading out the door. "Hurry up though. Dinner waits for no one, especially when you’re as drunk as I am."

"I’ll be down soon" I replied, watching as he gave me a lazy wave and disappeared into the hallway. After Matt left my room, I set the vodka lemonade on the dresser, deciding to pace myself as I continued getting ready. As I stood back to admire the final look, I adjusted my halterneck top, making sure everything sat just right. 

I slipped on my nude heels, grabbed a small clutch, and downed half of the vodka lemonade Matt had brought up. The burn of vodka was strong, but he wasn’t wrong, I did have catching up to do if I wanted to match their buzz. By the time I walked down to the foyer, everyone was gathered there.

“You took long enough” Nick teased with a grin as I joined them.

“Beauty takes time, Nicholas” I shot back, earning a laugh from the group.

We stepped out of the villa together, the warm evening breeze carrying the faint scent of sea salt. The walk to the restaurant wasn’t far, but navigating the uneven path in heels was proving to be a challenge. After a few steps, I stumbled slightly on a dip in the road.

“You alright?” Matt asked, catching up to me.

“Yeah, these heels and this road aren’t exactly the best of friends, a bit like us” I muttered, half laughing at myself.

Without saying a word, he offered his arm. I hesitated for a moment before looping my hand through it.

“Don’t make it weird” he said, smirking down at me.

“Oh, I wouldn’t dream of it” I replied with a sarcastic smile, though I appreciated the gesture.

We arrived at the restaurant, a cozy spot with string lights draped across the patio. As we approached our reserved table, I heard Nick let out a quiet yell.

“What are you guys doing here?!” he exclaimed, his voice a mix of shock and excitement.

I looked up to see a couple seated at our table, their parents. Their mom stood up with a wide smile, pulling Nick into a hug.

“We’ve been in Hawaii for the last few days” she said warmly. “We wanted to surprise you!”

Their dad chimed in, “But don’t worry, we’re staying on the opposite side of the island. We’re not here to crash your whole trip.”

Nick let out a laugh, still processing the surprise. Chris and Matt looked equally stunned but pleased to see them. 

The waiter approached to seat us, and we quickly rearranged our tables, one table with four seats and one table with three. I glanced at Matt, who caught my eye with an amused look.

“This should be fun” he said.

“Let’s just hope they don’t figure out how drunk you three are” I whispered back, earning a small chuckle from him.

We settled into our seats, Nate sat across from me, Matt was next to him, and Chris was beside me, while Nick took one of the seats at the table with his parents.

Chris leaned forward toward his parents while pointing at me,  his tone casual yet proud as he introduced me to his parents. “This is Y/n” he said. “She works with me for Fresh Love. We’ve been working hard on the new drop, couldn’t do it without her!.”

I smiled politely, but before I could say anything, Nick chimed in from the other table, his grin as wide as ever. “And she’s also my best friend” he added, his playful tone leaving no room for debate.

Their mom smiled warmly, nodding in approval, but the moment didn’t last long. Nick dove into conversation with his parents, leaving the four of us at our table to converse with each other.

Nate glanced up at Matt and Chris, his lips curling into a smirk. “Actually, I never asked how’d Vegas treat you two? Looked like you guys were.. occupied” he said, his words almost like he was implying something.

Chris chuckled, leaning back in his seat. “Occupied is one way to put it. Christina practically glued herself to Matt” he teased, earning a scoff from Matt.

Hearing another woman’s name left a bitter taste in my mouth. I had no reason to feel jealous, and yet, the idea of Matt being drooled over by someone else stirred something in me that I couldn’t quite place. It was irrational, and I knew it, so I kept my thoughts to myself, silently picking at the edge of my napkin.

Nick’s voice broke the conversation as he turned to Chris. “Hey, wanna head outside for some pictures real quick before we order?”

Chris nodded, standing up and following Nick without hesitation, leaving just me, Matt, and Nate at the table.

There was a brief moment of silence before their mom, who I assume was half listening to our earlier conversation, leaned over with a smile. “So Nate, do you have anyone special in your life right now?”

Nate chuckled, shaking his head. “No, not at all” he replied, his tone light.

Matt, of course, couldn’t resist. “Harsh one.” He snickered under his breath, looking directly at me.

I raised an eyebrow at him, confused by his comment. Before I could even ask what he meant, Matt took things further. He smirked and leaned back in his chair, his voice loud and clear. “Y/n and Nate went on a date last week, you know that?”

My heart sank, my face flushing red as all eyes seemed to land on me.

“What?” I stammered, but Nate jumped in before I could say anything more.

“It wasn’t like that at all” he said firmly, shaking his head. “We just grabbed dinner as friends.”

Matt wasn’t ready to let it go, though. “Oh, come on, Y/n” he teased, his voice making a mockery out of me. “Why so quiet? Feeling the sting of public rejection?”

My stomach twisted in humiliation. I could feel my face burning as I desperately avoided eye contact with anyone at the table. The old Matt was back just like that.

“Matt, stop being so rude” their mom interjected sharply, her tone firm. She turned back to her husband, trying to steer the conversation away from Matt’s antics.

“Yeah c’mon man we’re just friends” Nate tried to make it clear.

But Matt wasn’t done. His next words hit like a punch to the gut. “Oof, imagine just being a quick fuck and then friendzoned.”

The air left my lungs. The humiliation was overwhelming, and I could feel the sting of tears forming in my eyes. None of what he said was true, but the damage was done.

“I.. I’m actually not feeling the best right now.. I think it's the heat.. excuse me” I said quickly, my voice cracking as I stood up. I turned to their parents, forcing a polite smile through the lump in my throat. “But it was lovely to meet you.”

Without waiting for a response, I walked away from the table, the tears streaming down my face before I even reached the door.

As I pushed through the entrance, I nearly ran into Nick and Chris, who were heading back inside.

“Y/n?” Chris asked, his expression immediately shifting to concern. “What’s wrong?”

“I don’t feel well” I mumbled, not stopping to explain. Before either of them could say another word, I kept walking, desperate to escape the restaurant, the humiliation, and, most of all, Matt.

I still felt the heat on my face, not from the warm Hawaiian night, but from the lingering embarrassment curling in my stomach. I really hoped his parents didn’t hear him say that. I was halfway down the quiet street when I heard the sound of running footsteps behind me.

“Y/n, wait!”

I clenched my jaw, picking up my pace, but Matt was faster, jogging until he caught up beside me. “Come on, don’t be like that” he said, slightly out of breath. “I wasn’t trying to embarrass you.”

I stopped abruptly, whipping around to face him. “Oh, really? Because bringing up that in front of your parents sure didn’t make me feel like the star of the evening.”

He ran a hand through his hair, his usual cocky demeanor fading. “I wasn’t thinking. I was just messing around, you know how I am-”

I let out a sharp laugh. “Yeah, I do. That’s the problem.” I turned back around, ready to keep walking, but he stepped in front of me, blocking my path.

“Look, I’m sorry, okay?” His voice was softer now, the arrogance stripped away. “I didn’t mean for it to come out like that.”

I folded my arms, giving him a glare. “And yet it did.”

He exhaled heavily, clearly frustrated, but I didn’t care. I wasn’t going to let him smooth this over with some half assed apology.

“Y/n” he tried again, “I just-”

“I don’t care, Matt.” My voice was cold, firm. “You always do this. Say something without thinking, then act like it’s not a big deal when it is. I don’t need an apology. I just need you to stop.”

He stared at me for a moment, as if trying to figure out a way to fix this, but I wasn’t interested in hearing it. So I stepped around him and walked away, leaving him standing in the middle of the dimly lit street, finally at a loss for words.

He didn’t follow me this time. Maybe he finally got the message, or maybe he knew pushing it any further would only make things worse. Either way, I didn’t care. My chest still burned from embarrassment, and my head was buzzing with frustration as I made my way back toward the villa.

I reached the villa, slamming the door behind me before kicking off my heels and making my way to the room. The relief of being alone and actually having a bedroom door for privacy was short lived because not even five minutes later, there was a knock.

I sighed, already knowing who it was. “Go away, Matt.”

“Just let me in for a second” he called through the door. “Please.”

I rolled my eyes, but something in his voice made me hesitate. It wasn’t his usual cocky tone. It sounded.. tired. Frustrated, even.

Against my better judgment, I walked to the door and swung it open. “You’ve got sixty seconds.”

Matt stepped inside, his jaw tight, hands shoved in his pockets like he wasn’t sure what to do with them. “Look” he started, pausing for a second before meeting my eyes. “I was a dick. I know that.”

I folded my arms. “Great self awareness. Anything else?”

He let out a sharp breath, shaking his head. “I don’t know why I said it. Maybe I was trying to be funny, or maybe I was just being an idiot, probably both. But I didn’t mean it the way it came out.”

I scoffed. “You said I was a quick fuck that got friendzoned, Matt. How else was that supposed to come out?”

He winced, rubbing the back of his neck. “I didn’t mean it like that.”

“But you said it” I shot back, my voice rising. “In front of your parents, no less. Do you even think before you speak, or do you just say the first thing that pops into your head?”

“I-” He stopped, exhaling slowly. “I don’t know. I guess I just didn’t think you’d care so much.”

I blinked at him, stunned. “Care? Are you serious? You embarrassed me, Matt. You made me look like some desperate fool who got used and thrown away. Why wouldn’t I care?”

Matt’s jaw clenched, his eyes flickering with something I couldn’t quite place, frustration, maybe, or something worse. I could tell he wanted to argue, to push back, but I wasn’t going to let him.

“You know what pisses me off the most?” I continued, folding my arms. “It’s not just what you said, it’s that you acted like you knew everything. Like you had some inside joke at my expense. And for what? A laugh?”

Matt exhaled sharply, shaking his head. “It wasn’t like that-”

“Then what was it like?” I challenged, my voice rising. “Because you made it sound like I was some easy target for Nate. And for the record, nothing ever even happened between us.”

Matt’s brows furrowed, his lips parting slightly in surprise. “What?”

“You heard me.” I snapped. “That night? Seven Minutes in Heaven? We didn’t even kiss. We sat there and talked, thought we’d mess with everyone's heads. And when we went out when you were in Vegas, and we made it clear we were just friends. There was nothing more to it.”

Matt blinked, like the idea had never even crossed his mind. “So you-”

“I never hooked up with Nate.” I interrupted, my tone sharp. “Not then. Not ever. So whatever picture you had in your head, whatever assumptions you made, they were wrong.”

He was quiet for a second, his hands still shoved in his pockets. “I didn’t know that.”

“No, you didn’t” I said bitterly. “Because you never asked. You just assumed.”

I could see it sinking in, the weight of his words finally hitting him, but I didn’t feel the satisfaction I thought I would. I just felt tired.

Matt let out a slow breath, rubbing the back of his neck. “I was an asshole.”

“Yeah” I said, my voice flat. “You were.”

He glanced at me, like he wanted to say more, but I was done.

“I don’t have the energy for this” I muttered, stepping back toward the door. “I’m done, Matt. I don’t care how sorry you are. Just leave me alone. It’s best if we just stay out of each other's way for the rest of the trip.”

His jaw tensed, but this time, he didn’t fight it. He just nodded.

“Alright” he said quietly. “Goodnight, Y/n.”

I didn’t reply. I just closed the door, locking it this time.

a/n : everything is .. not changing?

taglist : @mattybearnard @sturn-33 @ncm9696 @yourfavsturniologirl @crazy4jewel @sodakid1234 @stupendoustreewinner @lovealwayssturniolos @matthewsturniolosss @m4ttsmunch @loveexxx @ilusa @starkeyszn @wonnieeluvvr @dylnblue @valxrieq @maggot3647 @cigarettecemetary @ribread03 @chrisstvrns @bandasaruswrx @noplaceissafeanymore @amexiass @witchofthehour @mattssgf @jetaimevous @v33angel  @ivysturnss @urmom69lol @ashlishes @watercolorskyy @sturnioloshottiekay @amelia-sturniolo3 @imjusthereforthesturniolosmut @pvssychicken @alizestvrnss @chrisstxrnsaxe @sophand4n4 @vickytaa @marrykisskilled @bxtchboy69 @yourfavsturniologirl @julisturn @sydneyylainn @sophia-77n @trevorsgodmother @sturnslutz @yourmother29 @girl24cherry @astronea @pinkdyit

[bomberqueen17]

middle-aged stuff

This is the time of year when I have determination and free time so i do all my medical appointments. This year I'm old enough that they want to screen me for colon cancer.

it's funny because current events, so i'm like, ah, it's the downfall of the western world. my taxes are funding genocide and man-babies playing dolls have decided that cruelty makes their enemies squeak satisfyingly and I get to watch babies starve about it. Meaninglessness blah blah. Oh and I have to get all these cancer screenings, and petition my insurance company about having them covered since they're supposed to be. And oh yes this and that. Mundane. Boring.

Also in current ongoing things, my most politically-active IRL friend, who lives over near the farm and dedicated her life from 2016-2024 to the Run For Something kind of aesthetic of trying to reform local politics first, recently (this week) succumbed to a prolonged fight with cancer, and it's incredibly sad and depressing and at least I know she's not seeing what's happening now, but I'm like. Well.

Well I'm taking my cancer screenings seriously I guess. Hers was a special case with many contributing factors but oh my gosh it was brutal and they tried everything and she fought so hard and god, how draining. I said goodbye to her in November, and she was so cheerful about it because that's the kind of person she was. My sister and BIL were taking some of the shifts to sit with her toward the end, so her family could sleep sometimes. It's just so brutal. So.

One thing: this is only the second time I've managed to go get a mammogram, but the form is the same. on the form, they want you to attest: I am not pregnant. And then they give you three boxes you can choose from, for how you can prove to them that you are not pregnant. One: I am postmenopausal. Two: I use an effective birth control. (List it here.) Three: I have undergone surgical contraception/sterilization (List date of procedure). None of these is the extremely, incredibly common scenario that happens to be my scenario, which is My partner has undergone sterilization and I am monogamous. Which I understand is not foolproof-- if you are lying or in some other way not actually living up to the second part of that statement (I myself have in idle thought exercises fallen victim to the extending my I-can't-get-pregnant-by-accident relief to scenarios that of course would not be covered by it; I'm sure many people over the ages have absentmindedly forgotten that their Foolproof Birth Control that affects only their partners actually makes it *more* important that they avoid all contact with anyone else.) But good Christ if I am lying, even to mysef, then this form is void. It kind of drives me nuts every time and I know they don't really care it's a CYA form but oh my god. (There's also no option for I am not sexually active or I am not sexually active with a partner who could impregnate me, which are also both foolproof and common scenarios!)

But as for colon cancer screenings, I'm gonna put that behind a cut.

There's this newfangled thing right. You can either go in for a colonoscopy, which is a routine and basic and fine normal thing people do all the time don't even worry about it, OR they can send you a kit where you submit your uh relevant excreta for testing and they look at it and find out if you have the DNA or other markers of cancer in that, and it's good for only 3 years instead of the 10 that a colonoscopy is good for, but I was like well, I will try that and see how it goes.

Friends. Friends. I thought, I am a person who, due to my lifestyle, quite often shits in a bucket in the woods, I am not precious about my toileting facilities, to be perfectly blunt. But I discovered that it is extremely difficult to contemplate shitting in a box in your own house, and then taking that box, nicely-packaged as it is, and sealing it up all nice and bringing it to a UPS store to drop off, and the outside of it has the testing company's logo and slogan, which mention the colon, prominently emblazoned.

It was not trivial. And at one point, as I struggled with my body's reluctance, I thought, it would probably have been better to take the turbolaxatives they give you, and the indicator liquid, and go and get buttwanded in a hospital. So I will do that next time.

All this is just to say, when you reach the appropriate age for such a thing, do not fall victim to thinking "shitting in a box at home sounds way easier than shitting for twelve hours and then going and being sedated in a hospital" like, by default. It may well be, you may well have really good reasons to think that, but my gosh. It was not as much easier as I'd expected.

(It's not really shitting in a box they send you a whole kit with the collection container and a sample thingy and preservative and a sealing lid and a hundred pages of instructions and a video you can watch that's sort of disturbingly clean and smiley but like. In the end. It's you, and this box, and your sense of self.) (Actually it would have been significantly easier for me to have done this in the woods than in my own house, now I think back on it. Context is king.)

anyway. anyway.

oh and. am i insane or did doctors used to be able to send prescriptions/referrals straight to the other facility? I showed up for my mammogram having left the piece of paper the doctor gave me about it on the kitchen table at home, and said as much to the receptionist. "Should I drive home and get it?" I asked-- 22 minutes each way-- and she said no no, i'll call them, but i have to call them, I can't go ahead and do the test without the thing. Best if i can speak directly to them and get a verbal approval. (What? do we not have emails anymore?)

She came to me and was like "they're not picking up and I have to check in other customers, can you call them" so of course when I called them I got right through, and they said oh we can send it, but the fax doesn't always work, so if you need a verbal, call right back and we'll pick up. I wanted to hand the phone straight to this receptionist but she was checking in a disoriented 84-year-old and I felt I really couldn't break in. So I hung up, the receptionist then said the fax thing hadn't worked, so I called back. The phone rang until it automatically hung up.

The confused 84-year-old who'd arrived after me went in for her screening. The sixtysomething with a cane who'd come in after her went in for her screening. The thirtysomething with impeccable nails who'd come in later than either of them went in for her screening.

20 minutes on hold later, I finally got through, to a different person at the doctor's office who could not understand what I wanted, did not know what to do, I finally handed my phone over to the receptionist at the radiology clinic, who managed to convey to this person what we needed.

God, I miss the like. halcyon good old days of 2012 when they could actually electronically send one another forms. And when not everyone was so horrifyingly understaffed that the prerecorded phone thing had twenty minutes of material on it because they know they won't get to your call.

Nobody wants to work anymore I guess????

Ugh. It was incredibly stressful and time-consuming and meant that I was so sweaty by the time the tech was trying to take images of me that she yelled at me for having put product on. (No ma'am, that's just stress sweat, you told me I couldn't have deodorant remember?) Had to baby-wipe myself off and then dry off on the ludicrous hospital gown. Ay yi yi. But I got my squashed glamor shots, and I am here to reassure you that all those horror stories about mammograms hurting are really for itty bitty titty types, if you have gazongas you can just plunk up there & it's a ton easier for them to get good pictures. So don't worry. It's not pleasant but like, i can basically stand outside the room while they're doing it. (No, this is hyperbole. I did take ibuprofen afterward but there were other contributing factors. My first time, when I was not so sweaty and stressed last year, was much easier.)

i am getting a lot of writing done. much of it is The Wrong Thing but it's all good. it's all good.

[sturniolostars]

𝓟𝓤𝓒𝓚𝓘𝓝𝓖 𝓐𝓡𝓞𝓤𝓝𝓓

∗ smut, mentions of death, abuse, eating disorders, self harm, overall mature themes

∗ Chris was used to everyone liking him. But Evelyn hates hockey players and Chris hates her and her stupid figure skating. However they have to share a rink for now and can’t help but feel a pull towards each other. How will this play out in the end?

Previous Chapter

Chris’s pov

What did she mean she knew? How did she find out? Who told her? It doesn’t matter I need to explain myself before she tells people false information or even worse the actual true information. I grab her wrist before she can walk out.

“Please just come up to my room and I’ll explain” I can see that she wants to say no and leave, but also knows that if she doesn’t give me a chance right now I’ll probably throw her over my shoulder and taker her upstairs myself.

With that, she sighs and nods. I take her upstairs to my room and punch in the code for my door and drag her inside before closing it behind me and turning to her. “What do you know?” I demand.

“I know that it was one of your teammates that got some girl pregnant while she was dating some other dude and he wasn’t very happy.” She sounded pissed. Who wouldn’t be. That made all of us sound like jerks. But it’s also not what happened

“Look they didn’t even hookup. Yes she got pregnant but it’s her actual boyfriend’s baby and she must have just got scared and blamed it on the only other person she could which happened to be my teammate.” I explain “he also didn’t know she had a boyfriend”

I can see her soften a little at that and nod. I walk closer to her half because when we were walking upstairs her ass was in my face and I wanted to fuck her for it and the other was to prove my point. “You can’t tell anyone” my voice comes out huskier.

She nods. “I won’t” she whispered. I can feel myself getting hard already. “You know you’re such a tease” I growl putting my hands on her hips. She looks confused. “Me? What did I do?!”

I smirk. “That perfect ass of yours was in my face the whole way up the stairs” she scoffs. “Well I can’t really control that” I chuckle and lean in to start kissing her neck. I can feel her shiver and watch goosebumps invade her skin. She says she hates me but her body thinks otherwise.

Evvie’s pov

I do hate him. I do I do I do. Or at least that’s what I want to tell myself. I roll my eyes at how pathetic I’m being. He lays me onto his bed. And while I won’t stop this because I think I’d start sobbing I will be cocky.

“You think you can just fuck me?” I scoff. He kisses my neck again. “No but let me make it up to you” he says dragging my panties down my legs. His fingers work my clit and slide up and down my folds.

“So wet for me. Is this what hate does?” He teases. “I bet you couldn’t even find my g-spot. I can draw a map to it just for you so I don’t regret-“ I’m cut off with a loud moan as he shoves two fingers into me.

He pumps them in and out of me while still rubbing my clit. My back arches a bit. Okay maybe I should not have made that joke because all I felt now were his long slender fingers abusing my g-spot.

He brought his mouth down to suck on me and my back arches off the bed. I was already about to cum but I’ll just blame it on that fact I haven’t been laid in a while and not the fact this man is destroying me and he���s not even fucking me with his cock.

“I fucking hate you– fuck I’m cumming!” I moan. My orgasm hits me like a tidal wave and I can feel myself convulsing around his fingers. He pulls said fingers out and slurps up my juices. It was pretty hot but fuck–

I can’t believe what I just did. I’m supposed to hate him. Not cum all over his face. I quickly grab my panties and race out the door like I’ve been in track my whole life before Chris can even register what happened.

Fuck me

a/n: might get another part out today too, so I hope you enjoy! (Tell me if you wanna be added to the taglist)

Tags: @kadesturnz @stargazer6969 @megamorgan44 @watercolorskyy @wurlibydominicfike @sturnslux3 @courta13 @kikirasweatsweathoho @bernardsbendystraws @idrk2292

[giggle-guru]

Hahaha you’ve asked for it! Hopefully you’re not too sensitive otherwise Jax is going to be exploiting it 👀 This will be the last audio until I’m back from my tournament so hopefully this and my last one will feed you in the meantime! I used a new Jax voice but it’s kind of high, I’m thinking of changing it but we’ll see. That’s tomorrow’s problem haha.

This was made for @weregonnaneedabiggerboat because their art?? Hello?? Top tier. Just look at the cover art made by them! Incredible! Go check them out.

Script is below the cut!!! Hehehehe

[Visual Note: Listener sits within their room in the Amazing Digital Circus, reading a book and relaxing on their bed. It was after yet another one of Caine’s wild adventures, and they are enjoying the peace and quiet. Of course, that wouldn’t last long with Jax around.]

[Audio Note: Knocking on door]

Jax: [calling out] Heya Bunny. You in there? Actually, dunno why I’m asking. Of course you’re in there. Open up.

[Visual Note: Listener makes no noise nor any effort to open the door as they continue reading.]

Jax: [sarcastic] What, giving me the silence treatment now, are we? Rude. I’m coming in anyway.

[Audio Note: Door opening, footsteps]

Jax: [scoffing] Oh, so this is what’s more important than answering me? A damn book? Lame. Give that to me.

[Visual Note: Jax takes the book from the Listener's hands, ignoring their protests.]

Jax: [eyebrow raised] What is this about anyway? Wait, wait, wait, let me guess. Some cheesy romance? That seems like something you’d be into. [glancing over some of the words] Give it back? Sure. If you can reach it. Oh, come on, Bunny. You gotta put in a little more effort than that. I mean, really, that jump was pathetic.

[Visual Note:Listener jumps higher on the bed, stumbling slightly in an effort to get the book]

Jax: [grinning] Pfft, careful, wouldn’t want you tripping and falling flat on your face. Not that I’d complain—I’d get a good laugh outta it. Ooh, so close. If only you weren’t so short, eh?

[Visual Note: Listener snatches the book with a huff and lays back in the bed, muttering under their breath.]

Jax: [mock gasp] Oh, look at you, all determined and feisty. Cute. But was it worth it? Let’s see…[pushing the book towards the Listener to read the cover] “A Love Across Dimensions”?! Pfft–okay, okay, this is too good. Lemme guess. Forbidden lovers, tragic separation, longing stares?

[Audio note: Bed squeak]

[Visual Note: Jax jumps to lay onto the bed beside the Listener as they glare at him]

Jax: [grinning] Oh, don’t look at me like that. You’re just proving my point. You totally eat this sappy stuff up, don’tcha?

[Audio Note: Page turning sporadically]

[Visual Note: Listener turns the page, ignoring Jax]

Jax: [feigned offence] Wow. Once again. Ignored. Just like that? After all the trouble I went through to come see ya, this is the thanks I get? [dramatic sigh] Man, you really know how to break a guy’s heart, Bunny. First, the silent treatment. Now, total disregard? I might just cry. [pause] Alright, since you’re so clearly invested in this, how ‘bout you tell me what it’s about? What makes this mushy-gushy, star-crossed whatever so good?

[Visual Note: Listener continues reading, pretending Jax isn’t there]

Jax: [smirking[ You know, if you don’t start talking soon, I might just have to start reading it to myself…out loud. [clears throat dramatically] “His gaze met hers across the endless void–”

[Visual Note: Listener hits him with a pillow]

[Audio Note: Pillow smack]

Jax: [laughing] Woah! Alright, alright! Guess I hit a nerve, huh? Didn’t take you for the aggressive type. But I finally got a reaction out of you. Knew you couldn’t keep sitting there ignoring me forever.

[Visual Note: Listener finally gives a brief, deadpan response.]

Jax: [Mock offense] Ouch. “Go away”? That’s all I get? And here I thought we were bonding. You wound me, Bunny. Really.

[Audio Note: Bed squeak]

[Visual Note: Jax flops onto his back dramatically.]

Jax: [slight pout] I hope you’re happy. I’m here bleeding out and you’re just sitting there. [glances at them] Wow. Nothing. You’re real stubborn today. You know, I could leave you to your overly dramatic romance novel…Or I could just stay right here and keep bothering you. [begins poking Lisenets side] Go ahead. See how long you can keep reading when I’m-

[Visual Note: Listener jerks away]

Jax: [slight confusion] Woah, Bunny. A little dramatic of a reaction there. I barely touched you. What’s with the ju mp? Eh? [pause, realization] Hold up…That wasn’t just annoyance. That was a reaction. [pokes Listener’s side again] Ohhh, no way–don’t tell me…[mischevious] Aww…is someone ticklish? [wiggles fingers threateningly]

[Audio Note: Bed squeaking]

[Visual Note: Listener moves to hide their face with the book]

Jax: [grinning] Oh-ho, Bunny, you’ve really done it now. You think you can just hide behind that book and I’ll forget? Nah, nah, you just made this way more fun for me.

[Visual Note: Jax suddenly pokes Listener’s side again, dragging out another involuntary twitch]

Jax: [mock gasp] Oh, this is golden. Come on, Bunny, just admit it. You’re ticklish, aren’t you?

[Visual Note: Listener shakes their head furiously, refusing to give in]

Jax: Ohhh, you’re really gonna play it like that? Fine. Have it your way.

[Audio Note: Rustling fabric, bed squeaking]

[Visual Note: Jax suddenly lunges, pinning the book down and launching a full-on tickle attack on Listener’s sides causing them to burst into laughter, squirming to escape]

Jax: [mock evil laughter] Ah-ha! You’re so done for now, Bunny! What happened to all that stubborn silence, huh?

[Visual Note: Listener continues laughing, trying to push Jax away]

Jax: [teasing] Oh, what’s that? You want me to stop? Hmm… I dunno. I’m kinda having way too much fun right now. Besides, we’ve barely even begun. What, you thought you could get away with not saying anything? Nah, I’m gonna hear you say it. Say you’re ticklish. Come on, Bunny say it.

[Visual Note: Listener attempts to say something, but is cut off by their own giggling]

Jax: [teasing] Nope, nope, nope. Not good enough. You gotta try harder than that Bunny. Come on, say it. I’m not going to stop until you say it. Come on, you’re really trying to hold out on me? That’s sweet and all, but it ain’t gonna work! You just have to tell me [pulls Listener into his lap] you’re [pins their arms] ticklish [digs into their underarms]. Just let me hear you say it.

[Visual Note: Listener finally manages to squeal out that they’re ticklish]

Jax: [gleefully] There it is! Finally, that wasn’t too hard was it Bunny? See, now we can have some real fun and figure out exactly where you’re most ticklish. Way more fun then that stupid sappy book. Where should I start? Huh?

[Visual Note: Listener tries to escape]

Jax: [grinning] Oh, Bunny, you’re not getting out of this that easy. I know there’s more. Maybe here—?

[Visual Note: Jax playfully squeezes their knee causing a squeal]

Jax: [laughing] What was that? Bingo! I knew it. Looks like someone’s got ticklish knees too!

[Visual Note: Listener writhes in his lap, attempting to wiggle free]

Jax: [laughing] Where ya going, huh? You’re trapped now! Shoulda just kept talking to me from the start, Bunny. But nooo, you had to be stubborn. And now look at you—completely at my mercy.

[Visual Note: Listener manages to shove at Jax weakly, still giggling breathlessly]

Jax: [teasingly sarcastic] Oh? Now you wanna fight back? Pfft. Adorable. But come on, Bunny, let’s be real—you’re losing this battle. Now let’s see…should I try your ribs? Tummy? Or maybe—oh! I know. The feet.

[Visual Note: Listener lets out a muffled noise of protest, curling up defensively]

Jax: [laughing] Ohhh, now that’s interesting! That little reaction just told me everything I need to know. You got something to hide, Bunny? Hm?

[Visual Note: Jax shifts, acting like he’s about to go for their feet, dragging out the anticipation]

Jax: [smirking] This is too good. You’re really nervous now, huh? I mean, I could just let you go, be all nice and merciful… but, honestly? This is way too much fun.

[Visual Note: Listener bursts into even more uncontrollable laughter as Jax strikes, thrashing to escape]

Jax: [mock evil] Ah-ha! Jackpot! That’s the spot, isn’t it? Oh, Bunny, you’re so doomed now.

[Visual Note: Listener, now out of breath, manages to plead for mercy]

Jax: [grinning] What’s t his? The mighty Bunny, finally surrendering? Begging even? Man, this is almost too satisfying.

[Visual Note: Listener laughing and pleading]

Jax: [laughing] This is too good! You’re this ticklish and you thought you could hide it from me? Oh, Bunny, that was your first mistake.

[Listener begs still, and Jax dramatically sighs, finally stopping, letting Listener catch their breath]

Jax: [smiling] Alright, alright. I’ll let ya off the hook… for now. But you better believe I’m keeping this little secret locked in my brain forever. Oh yeah, Bunny, you’re never living this down.

[Visual Note: Listener shoots him a glare and tells him off, still flustered]

Jax: [snickering] Ohhh, you’re threatening me now? That’s adorable, Bunny. Really. But let’s be real… we both know you’re too worn out to do anything.

[Visual Note: Listener catches their breath, rolling off of Jax]

Jax: [sighs] Welp, I’d say that was a great use of my time. Way better than reading some tragic lovey-dovey nonsense.

[Visual Note: Listener groans]

Jax: Oh, don’t act like you’re mad. You totally had fun.

[Visual Note: Listener suddenly gives him a look]

Jax: [brow raised] Huh? What are you looking at me like that for? Woah. Woah, wait, don’t you dare get any ideas– [nervous chuckle] Heh. Alright, Bunny, let’s just—uh—calm down, yeah? No need to do anything rash.

[Audio Note: Bed creaking, sheets rustling]

[Visual Note: Listener suddenly lunges at Jax and pins him down]

Jax: HEY—! [mock offense] EXCUSE me?! Where did this come from? I don’t remember teaching you to be so bold, Bunny!

[Visual Note: Listener smirks, wiggling their fingers over him]

Jax: [eyes widen] Oh. Oh, no. Ohhh, no-no-no—

[Visual Note: Listener pokes his side experimentally]

Jax: [jerks] HEY! Okay, okay, let’s—let’s talk about this! We can be reasonable, yeah?

[Visual Note: Listener shakes their head, grin widening]

Jax: [strained laugh] Come on, Bunny, let’s just—Wait, wait, wait—!

[Visual Note: Listener strikes]

Jax: [yelps] AH—! You—! Pfft— okay—alright—! T-Time out! Time out!

Jax: [laugihng] Bunny, I swear—! T-This—this is against the rules! [BLEEP]

[Visual Note: Listener tilts their head mockingly, clearly enjoying their revenge]

Jax: PFFT— Ohhh, don’t give me that innocent look! Y-You know exactly what you’re doing you [BLEEP]!

[Visual Note:Jax squirms under Listener’s relentless attack]

Jax: Alright, alright—! Truce! I said truce!

[Visual Note: Listener pauses, raising an eyebrow as if considering it]

Jax: [panting] Hah… okay… we’re good now, yeah? No more funny business?

[Visual Note: Listener smirks, fingers twitching threateningly]

Jax: [nervous chuckle] Bunny. Bunny. Let’s be civil—No wait—!

[Visual Note: Listener tickles him again, getting back at him fully]

Jax: [laughing hysterically] PFFT—! Okay—Fine—! I give! I give you menace!

[Visual Note: Listener finally stops, sitting back triumphantly as Jax gasps for breath]

Jax: [still laughing lightly] Hah… wow. Didn’t think you had that in you. I might actually be proud.

[Visual Note: Listener gives a smug look]

Jax: [grinning] Ohhh, now you’re just basking in it, huh? Look at you, all smug.

[Visual Note: Listener nods, still looking victorious]

Jax: [mock scoff] Tch. Unbelievable. One little victory and suddenly you think you run the place.

[Visual Note: Listener shrugs, casually flipping open their book again]

[Audio Note: Pages turning sporadically once again]

Jax: [raising an eyebrow] So that’s how it is? Just gonna ignore me now? After all that?

[Visual Note: Listener smirks but doesn’t respond]

Jax: [dramatic sigh] Wow. No loyalty. No respect. I get bested one time, and suddenly I don’t even exist anymore.

[Visual Note: Jax flops dramatically onto the bed beside Listener]

Jax: [muttering] This is what betrayal feels like…

[Visual Note: Listener rolls their eyes, nudging him lightly]

Jax: [grinning] Ah-ha! A reaction. Knew you couldn’t resist me for long, Bunny. Now then, you wanna read that book so bad? Then you better be reading out loud. [closes eyes] I’m listening.

[Visual Note: Listener huffs, clearly not giving in]

Jax: [grinning] Alright, fine. If you won’t read to me, then I guess I’ll just have to…

[Visual Note: Sudden movement as Jax leans in way too close, chin practically resting on Listener’s shoulder]

Jax: [smug] Read it over your shoulder instead.

[Visual Note: Listener stiffens, turning their head to glare at him]

Jax: [grinning wider] Ohhh, what’s this? Flustered? What happened to all that confidence, Bunny?

[Visual Note: Listener groans, pushing him away, but Jax just flops right back down beside them]

Jax: [sighs, feigning patience] Look, I’ll even be nice. You pick what part to read. But if you don’t… I will start guessing what happens next, and trust me, I’ve got some wild theories. [clearing throat dramatically] “As they stared longingly across the forbidden rift between worlds, his voice trembled with emotion—‘My love… I have waited centuries for this moment…’”

[Visual Note: Listener smacks him with a pillow again]

[Audio Note: Pillow smack]

Jax: [laughing] Hey! That was beautiful! You don’t appreciate real art, Bunny.

[Visual Note: Listener sighs heavily, finally giving in and flipping back a few pages before hesitantly starting to read out loud]

Jax: [grinning, settling in] There we go. That’s the spirit.

[dragoncatprism]

Welcome to "Prism 2/3am brainrot they make instead of sleeping or actually writing cause they got too many ideas in the head"

Literally had that thought not a second ago and I missed babbling about things I like soooo much and Aventurine and Ratio are just the best to inspire

So.

Imagine.

Nous putting their gaze towards Aventurine.

I know he's not "book smart" but there are a looot of different sides of knowledge, plus the fact that he's almost completely detached from the world ??? That he doesn't care about his life and everything and everyone he loved disappeared and now he can't form meaningful relationships by fear of killing them ? His luck that is so curious but also terrible and immediately puts him apart from others ?

Also the VeriVasha angst...

Ratio, in my point of vue, did have the dream of becoming a Genius. Maybe his parents had big expectations (linking that to the name Veritas can also build looots of angst), maybe he just viewed them as perfect and like we say "Never meet your heroes", maybe he wanted to prove something... Either way, he realised that most of Genuises are truly terrible people because they are ready to make gruesome sacrifices in the name of knowledge.

And Ratio will never be gazed by Nous because he cares so much. His humanity and kindness are the things that make him so lovable but also that are hindering a "great possibility", it's Greek tragedy at this point : the hero that wants to attain their goal but the very nature of themselves is in contradiction with this goal and so they will always chase but never catch. Ratio also learned that he cared and after raging and many questions as to why, he manages to get out of this embellishment about the Genuis Society. After all, he doesn't need to be a Genius to gain knowledge, and he feels like he helps much better bringing knowledge to people instead of stealing it or weaponizing it. He considers himself a fool because for him, it's humanity at it's finest : a bit of knowledge but also silliness and care. He doesn't see himself above the others much than what is facts : he knows he's smart by many worlds standards, that he's beautiful but he doesn't think of himself as flawless or completely above others. (The people that say he does clearly haven't read the same things I read cause this man is so soft and kind and just wants to help how he can and he's also very autistic)

When Aventurine is gazed by Nous, Ratio first feels a tiny bit of jealousy -even if he isn't desperate to be recognised, he still feels envy and longing- but it's quickly, too quickly erased by a wave of worry.

He knows now some conditions to be a Genius and it terrifies him to see his partner (together or not at this point, whichever brings the most angst ooor they could have a thing on and off and Aventurine doesn't dare crossing the line by fear of losing Ratio and Ratio doesn't want to cross any boundaries) being in such a state that an Aeon that is promoting a sort of apathy and detachment of humanity

I think he would be so scared even just to lose Aventurine, he already seem so far most of tge time and this newfound recognition might be a tipping point or just the sign that he is already gone.

Nihility is scary with the nothingness but I think each Paths can be terrible and I am already trying to imagine them both following each Path and seeing what it would make them

Elation Ratio... I see you a lot, same with Destruction Aventurine cause his whole thing is protecting, but what if he decided to just destroy.

They truly have so many possibilities and I promise to myself one day I will actually write instead of babbling

It might've turned into a Ratio post pffft

I love them both so much they live in my head non stop and I love just reading sooo many theories and fic

[prettyboykatsuki]

even tho you dk him yet,, caleb 🙂‍↕️

here we go pre-emptive sex taste typology with mr siscon yan cyborg

also no direct incest but just assume its implied w him which is why i tag w psuedocest

disclaimer for all that with the exception of zayne i really only barely know these men. at least im only semi-confident (read: barely) in writing for them. that is part of the fun.

of them, i know the least about caleb aside from what ive absorbed via osmosis. and sylus

my opinion of this guys sexual preferences is very mixed fyi. i havent met him and have not spoiled the story for myself yet so . you know.

none of this is meant to be accurate DSJFHJKSD !!!!!!

to me he feels like a service top. if he were like normaler i would categorize him a very giving lover in general but he's got soooo many issues. still, i dont think this part of him really goes away KJDSHKJD. i just don't think he is kind about being one later on if u will ?

you're usually the one getting pleasured and doing the receiving but it's not out magnanimity but more like he is trying to prove a point to you by manipulating your body. id substantiate a guess that his desire from control comes form other fear of not wanting to lose u like most of the other men in the game lol

for kinks.........maybe sensory deprivation like blindfolding and corporal punishment but not so much it borders into complete sadism. a fan of spanking. also i do not go here so this is said rather unbiased but i think that man has a somewhat subconscious breeding kink perhaps.

though its less in how i think like. another character would have it and more in the effort to corrupt the idea of family you have between you. something something him cumming in you while you refer to him as gege etc. but he also just seems like he'd want to go bareback at all times even in a vanilla like... actual older brother context. again i do not rlly having a breeding kink. game just recognizes game.

he's in general obsessed with marking you in some manner or fashion for exactly the reason you think but i think just manifests w breeding yk.

hm. probably also likes being fully clothed while your naked. vulnerability, control, complete access etc.

i think he gets off on embarrassing you and probably has since you were a lot younger but it becomes very ugly later on lol. once again if he were normaler i think it'd just be him like...making you beg for it in bed but its much weirder now. enjoys putting his thumb in your mouth for a weird reason as well

likes inspection maybe. thats really just me guessing though. based on vibes.

i think for now this is all i have got. i dont know this man so until i learn his character motivations this as much as i can cook for you guys. if u can without spoiling tell me my accuracy rate that would v funny

[itsrlymine]

Hello! I have a question about manifesting a skill, and i would really love ur advice on it plz.

So Let’s say I’m learning how to draw, so I decide now that I’m the best artist ever. However, when I start drawing, it doesn't turn out the way I want it to or I don’t see any improvement…Should I just continue to affirm and ignore what I drew, telling myself, “Yep, I’m the best artist ever”? Should I proceed normally despite the results?

Whenever I keep drawing and notice that it isn’t meeting my expectations, it leads to me feeling unmotivated. This makes me feel like I need to practice more, which I don’t want to do lol. After all, if I had the skill already, wouldn’t that mean I don’t need to practice at all? For example let’s say I wanted to draw hands and they don't come out the way I wanted … do I just keep going and not practice it? or do I look up how to draw it? lol I feel like looking for help defeats the purpose of practicing since I said I know how to do it.

How can I get myself out of the mindset of feeling the need to practice all the time to "improve"? I'm constantly seeing comments in the art community like, "It's going to take time to get to where I am," or "You need to practice every day for at least 10 minutes to get better."

I think I’m most confused when it comes to the practice part of wanting to manifest a new skill. Bc why would I need to learn if I know everything ? lol. I try not to let the 3d get to me so I’ll usually just put my art book away and then I’ll affirm that I’m the best at it all. It just sucks to feel that unmotivation to grab my book, since I feel like I'm not making any progress and that I have to practice to get better.

I have the same question when it comes to learning how to sing or picking up a new language. For instance, if I say I'm the best singer, what do I do when I don't sound good or not quite how I want? Or if I say I know how to speak all languages but struggle to speak it?

Idk If this is a dumb question or a confusing one but plz help lol I think I’m a little confused! I just wanted to know so I can realize my mistakes so I won’t make them again. I’m so Srry this is a lot 😭. Tysm❤️

it's okay but you answered your own question. you are doing to decide no matter what you see that you are no the best artist bc you are! that's your identity now so what ever you create is proof of that. the art is amazing bc you are, not the other way around.

i'm also an artist and a writer. i've established within myself that no matter what, i'm incredible at what i do so everything i create will prove it to me. sometimes i'll make something and be confused like girl let's be so fr. but if you stay in that mindset, you will have something prove you right. when you decide "yea no, this is incredible and da vinci has nothing on me", you will see how that change in the mind "changes" the work you make. everything is a reflection of you.

draw when you feel inspired to and never force it. do whatever feels natural to you. your only job is to remind yourself of your greatness.

revision is a thing so if you say you struggle to speak it, no you don't. there is no need to force, just know. you want to be an amazing singer, recognize that you are now.

lady gaga convinced herself she was the greatest "before" she was the greatest. she was the entire time, she just became aware of it. i hope this helps.

[nerdishpursuits]

Who needs enemies with brothers like Andres & Tasio. The very definition of disappointing, incompetent, useless and petty. For once finding myself agreeing with everything Jesús and Damián said. The rest can go immolate. Andres is such a coward he doesn't even have the courage to vote or look his sister in the eye. He also never works but claims he doesn't like the way things are going: ergo, I don't like the new business we're getting that everyone stands to profit from. Don't think I've ever seen a more insipidly moronic male lead. He should know Marta the best. His trust in her should be absolute and irrevocable. She’s always been firm but kind and, most of all, fair. And if she’s in trouble because of Carpena now? It’s Andres’ fault because she tried to protect him. This inept man, much like Tasio, never takes responsibility for his actions and cowers under the guise of neutrality. Looking at his face this episode made me sick, not going to lie. As for Tasio? His is a case of bone-deep idiocy, worthy of study. The way to earn your father's love and family's acceptance is to vote against your sister? I hope he gets the cold-shoulder from now on because he deserves nothing less. Damian's chilling don't call me father in the preview is golden. Eat sh** Tasio. And then some. I just can’t with these two anymore. The brothers who Marta did everything in her power to protect and support are the very ones to betray her when she needs them most. Both Andres and Tasio deserve to cry tears of blood as far as I'm concerned and I hope Marta doesn't give them the time of day. I want them to fucking grovel at her feet.

Not to mention the Merino have the audacity to question Marta's integrity and Andres not only fails to defend her, but tries to gaslight her? And nimwit TOSSio the cherry on top. Toss him away indeed. He reeks of idiocy. Truly, if stupidity hurt? Andres and Tasio would be howling in pain, and the Merino too. The look of surprise, pain and betrayal on Marta's face. Ugh. They don't deserve her, they really don't. Cannot wait to see the Merino brothers fail though. They deserve the chance to prove how truly inept they are. These PEEople don't deserve to profit from the business Marta bent over backwards to create for the company. The bathhouse project is nothing but a drain on their resources and they won't know how to manage it. Looking forward to everything blowing up in their smug, condescending faces. And when I say faces I mean Digna as well. Short of murder she's no better than the very people she condemns. She's the kind of fake-nice that's utterly repugnant. The way she used the information about Marta and Fina when it best suited her purposes? Vile indeed. I hope Fina and Marta learn about this and confront her. She should be held accountable.

However? Now that I’ve gotten the initial ire off of my chest? Long term? I also have to say Marta being deposed via treachery could end up being a good thing for her personal development and character growth. It opens up a lot of doors for her, doors towards new possibilities and opportunities.

Too long has she chafed under the yoke of her family, always trying to prove herself to them, always putting herself last. So long in fact? That taking distance from her family and family business might help her reassess things. It might help Marta clear her mind and, hopefully, start removing the last of her shackles. @midniteowlet and I got rambling after this last episode and we’re finding this new development quite interesting.

1. Marta needs to learn how to be more combative and severing the proverbial umbilical cord might be just what the doctor ordered. Does it sting to be blindsided and betrayed by soggy-brained, mediocre people who claim they’re family? Definitely. Not only does it sting but it fucking hurts. For all her good will and intelligence? Marta needs a more ruthless approach when dealing with this kind of individuals. They dare question her intentions and actions? Slam them with a boatload of undeniable facts and figures, gloves off. They’ll only prove their so-called expertise amounts to nothing. She also needs to stop holding back and simply call it as she sees it. Her brothers and cousins need to be held accountable. ¡A cantarles sus verdades, ale!

2. Through her alliance with Pelayo, Marta might end up carving out the kind of independence she truly needs. Sure, she’d be tied to Pelayo but she also stands to gain power and influence in a way that might benefit her and Fina. One possible scenario could even be the Merino bankrupting the business and Marta injecting capital and owning it herself. There’s many ways for her to reclaim her throne, sometime down the line. If done well? Such a storyline could prove immensely satisfying.

It also stands to reason it would be good for Marta to secure new income because her cousins will run the business into the ground. She’ll need to finance that vacation with Fina somehow. Priorities and all, just saying.

3. Too many people within the business know about Marta and Fina. Which means they need to find a way to be together that’s sustainable, long term. One that doesn’t hinge on the benevolence of person x or y. And who knows? Becoming part of a hotel empire might offer them such a chance.

Is it ideal? No. Sure, they could just run off together. But that would mean the end of Mafin on the show. And I think we all want so much more. So all aboard the Angst-Express.

4. Angst can be very satisfying if well-written. And if Marta and Fina’s journey continues to be treated with the same level of respect and care? (which the screenwriters said it was, especially given how beloved this narrative is) It will be a treat. Their story needs to have ups and downs and twists and turns. But as long as the characters remain true to who they are? Their trials and tribulations will be most rewarding. That deliciously angsty pining, the bittersweet longing, the feverishly wanton desire, the ever-growing need that culminates in passion unleashed. It’ll all be there, for the taking. Just biding its sweet, sweet time. I, for one? I’d love me some delicious, quality Mafin angst. And, by the looks of it, I think that’s exactly what we’re going to get.

We’re going to suffer. But we’re going to love it.

[ladyintree]

she rolls her eyes,  forcing the same confidence not to falter.   ❝  i’m not afraid to keep proving myself,  ❞   she says,  though she almost regrets it,  worried that implying this may happen again is crossing an invisible line — one they really haven’t even tried to define.   she keeps her eyes on her lap,  trying not to focus and overthink every move mikayla’s making,  but she makes that hard when she asks her a question.  ❝  um—  ❞   she mumbles,   her hands clenching the sheets under her as she turns to glance at her,  but she doesn’t know how to answer any question now,  not with her mind still buzzing from what just happened between them.   she lets out a sigh when mikayla figures it out,  until she realizes that’s another thing that’s going to be stuck in her mind,  but she’s endured that before,  and she tells herself she can now,  too.   

while mikayla’s in the shower,   she does her best to collect her composure again,  not allowing herself to dwell on what happened between them for long before she’s quickly trying to put her room back together—  and change her clothes,  twice,  overthinking everything yet again like she as before she got here.  there’s a part of her that wonders if she should just tell mikayla to leave,  so they don’t have to face each other — but she doesn’t want her to,  no matter how worried she is about whatever aftermath is to come.  she wants to be with her in whatever way she can be.  her eyes dart to the door when it opens again,  and she looks back down to her clothes,  then shakes her head.   ❝  oh.  no.  well— yeah,  but dinner’s probably almost ready,  and i figured you didn’t want company…. ❞    she tries to joke,   but her cheeks warm again,  realizing that there’s now a before and an after of what happened tonight,  and maybe after,   that joke isn’t as casual as it was before.   she tries to brush it off,  watching as mikayla sits next to her,  her brows furrowing as her hand moves to brush her fingers over the mark mikayla left.   she hadn’t considered that when she changed,  her eyes closing for a moment as she runs through all the questions her parents may have.   ❝  shit.   you do actually know how to do that,  right?  ❞   she asks,  looking back at her and shaking her head.   ❝  at least i was discreet,  ❞  she insists,  a smile tugging at her lips —  because she doesn’t get to see hers now,  but she still knows it’s there,  and that’s enough.   

“ in that case, maybe i should've failed you. for like, character growth. ” she couldn't, because mikayla doesn't think she's capable of pretending like that wasn't enjoyable— which she realizes isn't good now that she's likely expected to just brush it all off and act like it didn't matter, as if she's not going to be thinking about it for days at the very least. she squints at her slightly, because she hadn't planned on asking for permission to take anything at all, assuming that she doesn't have to by now. “ obviously, ” she snorts, getting up to look through tai's dresser, tugging at the hem of her shorts in an attempt to make herself feel less uncomfortable, but it doesn't work. “ what happened to the lace you got with me that one time? ” she wonders aloud as she looks for it, but she finds it seconds later, along with a shirt and a pair of sweatpants to wear. “ never mind. found it. ” she lingers awkwardly for a moment longer, almost considering something else, but she decides against it, heading off to the bathroom.

she does take her time, praying that tai doesn't know exactly what she's doing while she's gone, but she tries to act casual when she does get back to the room. mikayla can't help but smirk when she realizes tai's wearing entirely different clothes, assuming she knows why she changed, although she has no plans to call her out on it directly. trying desperately to act normal, she falls back on the bed, brows furrowing as her hands find the sheets, because she could have sworn there was a blanket on the bed before she left. “ i was going to ask if you had to shower, too, but i guess not. ” she rolls onto her side, propping her head in her hand, eyes falling immediately to the mark she'd left on tai's neck. “ shit, ” she mumbles, shifting slightly. “ lesson's not over, actually. i need to show you how to cover that. ”

[heleizition]

this is my naruto oc age 12 and age like 15 lmao she goes through it

[rabbithaver]

every so often i will see a post from a leftist on this website that is so egregiously ableist that i remember that like. oh yeah the userbase of leftists on this website is violently anti-disabled people and will jump at any chance to demonize any of us for any reason. i just forget that fact because i'm extremely dedicated to curating my space

i'm paraphrasing here but i saw a post that said, "every time i see an American [disabled person] mention being scared about the election because they're afraid of losing their benefits i have to laugh. anybody who wants blood-soaked money from the US government deserves to starve" which. like. goodness that's a lot to unpack. i think we should burn the whole suitcase instead !

[sorrowsaint]

im going to bed

heres a song i like goodnight

[squipdop]

sorry im a god gale truther btw i DO think he should get to usurp mystra and ascend to godhood and i do think that should be an absolutely awful thing to happen to him but also literally everyone else. sorry

[theres-whump-in-that-nebula]

Oh my god. You know it’s getting bad when you start doing things you don’t even want to do to procrastinate on something you really do want to do.

It would be one thing if it were something like a hobby; but the thing I want to do is also extremely necessary to my life.