#but i want to be able to do it myself because i don't want them to have to do even more stuff for me

[sweaterkittensahoy]

No one here asked me, but Sean and I have been together for 20 years, so here's the shit I say when I DO get asked how it keeps working:

Base level, we fucking like each other. I do not buy into the "you can love someone and not like them." Fuck that. Like is what turns into love. If you are regularly thinking, "I don't like this person," the problem is that you don't like that person. Love can't fix that. Because the love you need to hold onto when you have a moment of not-liking someone can't exist if you don't first like someone.

Which brings me to point two: Kill the perfect romantic who lives in your head. You will annoy the fucking shit out of each other. It happens. For so many reasons. Learn how to say, "Honey, I love you, but I can't deal with this right now." And, for the record, the proper response is "Okay. Got it." not turning it into a whole fucking thing. Yes, it's very romantic to not get tired of someone. But it's much more realistic to be able to say, "Honey, please leave me alone for twenty minutes," and it's must healthier for the other person to go, "Oh, okay! Love you!" / "Love you, too."

Accept that sometimes you're gonna need to fight it out. With this caveat: If it's the same fight over and over again, that's a fucking problem. If it's a fight over the same topic, but you're on a different point in the topic, you're probably okay. For example: If I said, "Honey, please hang up your towel to dry so it doesn't grow mold," and Sean never hung it up, so we kept going round about it, that's a problem. But if I said it, and Sean DID hang it up, but it needed to be spread out, then that's a different thing. "Hey, thanks for hanging up your towel; please make sure it's spread out on the rack so it dries properly."

Also, be flexible about things you ask for. We have a general rule that whoever opens the dishwasher the first time after the dishes are cleaned has to empty the whole thing. But also, if Sean's running late the morning after we do dishes, I'm not going to call him and complain he didn't empty the dishwasher when he opened it to get a fork.

Think of all of this like the fridge making a weird noise. Most of the time, the fridge makes a noise you don't even register because that's the fridge noise. But sometimes, the fridge make a new noise and WHAT THE FUCK WAS THAT. That's how I think of relationship work. Most of the time, it's just work that gets done in the day-to-day shit. But occasionally, something is OFF and needs immediate attention, so you need to stop and pay attention and fix it.

But also, after your fix the problem, you need to be accept that maybe there are new noises that need to be inspected. For example, if Sean said to me, "Hey, I need thirty minutes after work to myself when I get home," this would be a new thing, but yes, okay. I will do my best. And I will. But maybe I forget the rule because I have something I NEED to tell him that isn't actually a NEED, and so I greet him at the door with a monologue, and he lets me monologue, and at the end he says, "Okay, that's interesting. But I would still like my thirty minutes. I will talk to you after I've had that." He's understanding that I'm doing my best and still reinforcing the boundary I agreed to. What I can do in this situation is thank him for listening and give him his time and try not to jump him with information again because he has made it clear twice that he doesn't want that.

The trick about doing your best, respecting boundaries, and loving one another is truly just doing your best because you love each other. I want a good life. I want Sean to have a good life. We want a life together. We will build a good life by being honest, communicative, and kind to one another. I fold laundry for us both not because I think it's my role as the "wife" but because it's a way to get me on my feet for a few minutes. Sean does the cooking because he enjoys it. I generally handle the dishwasher because he cooks. He gets the car to the mechanic to get the oil changed. I take Bean on her second walk when his day runs long. Do I WANT to take her out? Not always. But I've been at home with an office job all day, not driving around the city to do a physical job. Taking her out for her second walk may annoy me, but the payoff is that Sean comes home and is so happy that he doesn't have to do it and thanks me, and that's what makes it worth it. We acknowledge each other when effort occurs. We make each other laugh. We talk through things. We understand the importance of being able to say, "No, I'm not into it, but you like it, so please keep explaining it." and "Honey, I love you, but I can't do this right now."

It's really just understanding that good communication means folding in the idea that good communication includes saying things you might think you shouldn't have to say. Trust me, saying it means cutting down on the bullshit of not having said it. Say awkward shit to each other. Announce you're doing it. "Hey, this is gonna sound awkward, but I need to say it" because the response from the person you love (in every version of love) should be, "I'm listening. Let's go" because it's about mutual support and care and LIKING one another. And all you gotta do is give back what you deserve to get.

[life-is-more-than-just-a-game]

♠️ AiB males in Mingle-Game with you ♠️

A/N: I thought about this kind of headcanons while I was trying to fall asleep. 😬

The game is part of the second season from Squid Game, so if you haven't seen it yet but want to watch it- This writing may contain slight spoilers! 😶‍🌫️

Characters: Aguni, Arisu, Chishiya, Karube, Niragi

POV: gn!neutral

Warnings: Squid Game related; may contain Spoilers for season 2!

A g u n i

That man really hates playing games with you together. He isn't showing, but he is afraid of losing you in one of those games especially when it comes to the thought of losing you 'cause he is not able to protect you ...

He has the will of a leader and he may be pretty strong, physically and psychologically, but not knowing which game you'll join together almost kills him ever and ever again.

That's why Aguni always tries his best to convince you to play different games but this time he lost the discussion.

Thanks god it's not heart game the two of you joined, but clubs.

Bro, that man breathes a sigh of relief, you wouldn't believe it.

No chances he will leave your side, he stands by you and follows you everywhere you go, no matter what.

And he is watching you the. whole. damn. time.

Standing on the circling plate, he will touch you with his elbow when you start moving your body because of the playing song.

"Don't forget, it's all or nothing. Stay focused and stop dancing, you need to concentrate."

... He is finding it pretty cute actually but who is he to confess?

Ah, the plate stops moving and the song stops playing. A voice tells the number of people each group needs before running in one of the rooms you need to hide to win this game.

Good for you, nearly everybody knows Aguni.

And nearly everybody is fine with whoever wants to build a group with them, I mean everyone is just trying to survive ...

"A group of 3 people?" "Can't be this hard to find one more- no time to lose!"

Be prepared, he will carry you over his shoulder without hesitation ... He just grabs you and flicks you over ...

"Wow, alright, calm down Aguni, I have legs myself, you know?!" "Daily dose of training."

A r i s u

Same as Aguni, Arisu wouldn't step away from your side, leaving you alone in the crowd of people you may or may not know by even their names.

He's a cutie pie. While standing on the moving plate, he would stand by you as near as possible, just to make sure he isn't losing you.

Plus he wants to make sure you know he will always be there for you and no matter what happens, he isn't going anywhere without you.

He lost the most meaningful people in his life already. It broke him. Losing you- it's hard to say if he would make it another time.

Still, different from Aguni , he wouldn't mind moving with you to the song a little.

Actually it would be pretty fun to him, dancing to the rhythm with you.

For a second he would forget why you guys are even here ...

Lord have mercy, he loves you for that.

If he is able to, he would even sing along, sadly korean doesn't belong to his strength ...

Freestyle!

"Love, did you even know what the children are singing about?" "Actually no, but this song is both a curse and a blessing."

People will look at you as if you are a couple that is losing their minds- how can you have fun with the knowing this could be your last minute on earth?

Seriously, how?

"Oh, the song ends ..." "And we aren't moving anymore ..." "2!", the unknown voice tells the players.

Arisu grabs your wrist, not thinking about it twice, and drags you behind him, towards the door closest to you.

"Oi, don't be so rough on me!" "Sorry, gamer reflexes!"

C h i s h i y a

The strategist of this game.

Nobody would find a sample in this game as fast as he does.

Play with him the first and second round, and he will be able to guess the number of group members for every following turn.

"They will do everything to kill as many people as possible." "You don't say." "It's important to know. Based on that, the numbers are chosen." "Are you really trying to find a ... system behind this game?" "I'm not trying, I already found it. Just stand near me and everything will be okay."

Remembering the last games you played with him, you know he is right.

At first it was hard for you to trust him. He was always a mysterious person to you- calm, smart, ambitious. That makes him ... kind of a dangerous person.

But since you started "dating" him, it gets easier for you letting him take control in games you play both together.

"Promise you bring us out here alive ...?" "Not a big fan of promises, but this ... this is easy to handle."

He takes your hand you held out to him when you asked him that question. But not just to give you his word- he interlaces his fingers with yours instead, pulling you a little closer to him and making sure you stand by him.

Your face gets red like a tomato ...

"You know, you make the games a little more important to me, Y/N." "Huh? What do you mean?" "Your life matters more to me than my own life- so I'm willing to protect you. Even though it's just with my high level of intelligence." "... Well, who are you and what have you done to Chishiya?", you laugh while he is just giggling a little.

K a r u b e

Fun is important to him, he doesn't want to think about dying the whole time.

So he doesn't want YOU to think of dying the whole time, too.

I guess Karube could be the one dancing with like crazy to the song. Not just moving his body back and forth.

More like Thanos and Nam-gyu did in the series ... I was laughing so hard when I saw them dancing on the plate. 😭

Back to topic; he just wants you to feel comfortable and, above all, safe around him.

He loves having you close to him. As long as you are with him, he is sure that he can do anything.

He is also willing to achieve everything he has set himself as a goal.

Accordingly, if he has made it his goal to leave the game with you ...

... then he WILL leave this game WITH you!

Means, without ifs and buts, he stays with you. From start to finish.

We know how impulsive Karube can be.

Anyone who stands in the way of him and his plans will never be happy again.

For example, the player who tried to push in front of him when you two were running in a room together.

Then he is simply grabbing the clothes and pulls the foreign person out of the room again- with force and full physical strength.

If the stranger is lucky, he gets away with a broken nose.

If not, he will die- Karube has no mercy for people blocking his way.

"Well, you know, it's not necessary always punching people in the face when they are just panicking and fighting for their lives, Babe ..." "I know, but I was panicking, too. And I want to live. And I want you to live, too, y/n. I want a future with you, not with a-" “Unknown human being!", you say, stopping him from uttering an insult. "You are too good for this world, love."

N i r a g i

Bro's kinda rough to everyone, not just you. We all know what a beast he can be, so when it comes to finding group members, he will use every method that comes to his mind to make people join both of you.

Niragi isn't good with words. He would provoke the other players or manipulate them making sure you and himself can leave this game alive.

Yeah ... he has a soft spot for you.

Can you imagine him having a heart!? 😭

Anyways, his life isn't as important as yours, for him at least.

That's doesn't mean he wants to die in here!

You are just his priority, so when the voice is telling a number and other players don't want him to join their group, he would do ANYTHING that you are able to join a group.

Yep, he would grab people by their collar.

And he would punch and kick them if necessary.

... His firearm could also be used.

"Listen here, you litte fuck. You will make sure that you team up with her and you will make sure that you end up properly in one of these ugly rooms, that she gets out of here alive. Otherwise-" Niragi points his gun at the unknown player, ignoring your "No, stop! Put that down, are you crazy?!"

Damn, he would kill everyone in here to make sure you will survive, it's insane ...

Funny to say, his method is working very well ...

[ellysdreamworld]

ℋᴏɢᴡᴀʀᴛs ᴅʀ⋆⁺₊⋆ ☾ ⋆⁺₊⋆ ☁︎

✩°｡⋆✧･ﾟ ･ﾟ·:｡･ﾟﾟ･ ᖭི༏ᖫྀ ･ﾟ ･ﾟ·:｡･ﾟﾟ･✧⋆｡°✩

𝐧𝐚𝐦𝐞: elena [...]

𝐚𝐠𝐞: 14 (starting 4th year)

𝐡𝐨𝐮𝐬𝐞: gryffindor

𝐲𝐞𝐚𝐫: 1994

𝐛𝐥𝐨𝐨𝐝 𝐬𝐭𝐚𝐭𝐮𝐬: muggle born

𝐰𝐚𝐧𝐝: yew wood, dragon heartstring core, 11 inches and medium flexibility

𝒎𝒚 𝒄𝒂𝒕 𝒍𝒖𝒏𝒂♥︎

✩°｡⋆✧･ﾟ ･ﾟ·:｡･ﾟﾟ･ ᖭི༏ᖫྀ ･ﾟ ･ﾟ·:｡･ﾟﾟ･✧⋆｡°✩

𝐛𝐚𝐜𝐤𝐬𝐭𝐨𝐫𝐲:

i am an italian transfer student in Hogwarts and i moved with my family from Rome to London during july 1994 because of my mom's job, so i'm starting out at Hogwarts on my 4th year. Both of my parents are muggles and so is my older sister, so i am the first witch of the family. (not very creative i know but i didn't want to go through all the trouble of creating myself a new family, also because It would honestly feel weird to me and i wouldnt be able to bond with them, so my family in my dr is very similar to the one in my cr)

✩°｡⋆✧･ﾟ ･ﾟ·:｡･ﾟﾟ･ ᖭི༏ᖫྀ ･ﾟ ･ﾟ·:｡･ﾟﾟ･✧⋆｡°✩

𝐂𝐞𝐥𝐞𝐬𝐭𝐢𝐚:

I started my education at an Italian wizarding school called Celestia (yes, I invented it), located in the alps. Celestia is a much smaller school compared to other european institutions such as Hogwarts, Beauxbatons, or Durmstrang, and only a few students attend it since most people prefer to enroll in more well-known and popular schools. However, despite its smaller structure and student body, Celestia is an excellent school that provides a full and in-depth education to young wizards and witches. However, there are some drastic differences compared to Hogwarts: for example, Quidditch is not played due to the mountainous land and the lack of players. Instead, students receive consistent physical training in disciplines such as boxing (absolutely didn't script this because i wanted to be able to punch people properly), martial arts, sword fighting, archery, and flying courses. These flying lessons include aerial tricks, races, and obstacle courses to improve reflexes and speed, so that if i ever decide to start playing Quidditch i'm perfectly qualified for it. Moreover, the students are not divided into houses of any sort. There are also some slightly different subjects: in addition to the core subjects (astronomy, herbology, history of magic, potions, charms, defense against the dark arts, and transfiguration), Celestia offers unique electives. These include healing, wandless Magic (I wanted to be cool), enchanted artifact crafting, enchanted cartography, latin and magical linguistics (i stole these ideas from @jadeshifting), along with alchemy, divination, and ancient runes. The school also provides an Apparition course for third-year students and older (which I obviously took so i'm able to apparate). Students at Celestia often go on wilderness survival trips in the mountains, where they put their classroom knowledge into practice. Additionally, Celestia has one of the largest libraries in the wizarding world, located underground. This library contains thousands of books, including ancient Latin texts, many of which remain untranslated (students often attempt to translate these texts themselves, hoping to discover secret spells) and dark books containing forbidden spells. Celestia places a significant focus on Defense Against the Dark Arts. For example, students are taught to resist the Imperius Curse starting from their first year (I wanted to be able to do that) and often engage in both physical and magical (wandless too) dueling. Overall, Celestia is an underrated school that offers a superior education compared to most, thoroughly preparing students for the challenges of the real world. (in conclusion, i'm stronger, smarter and more knowledged than anyone at Hogwarts because i have main character syndrome)

✩°｡⋆✧･ﾟ ･ﾟ·:｡･ﾟﾟ･ ᖭི༏ᖫྀ ･ﾟ ･ﾟ·:｡･ﾟﾟ･✧⋆｡°✩

𝐥𝐢𝐟𝐞 𝐚𝐭 𝐇𝐨𝐠𝐰𝐚𝐫𝐭𝐬:

since when i shift it's going to be the first day of the 4th year, i'm not going to know anyone in Hogwarts (don't even know why i'm doing this to myself since i can't socialise), but my aim is be to be a part of the golden trio (soon golden quartet) & that's why i scripted me and Hermione are in the same dorm along with other 2 random girls (she NEEDS a girl best friend guys and that's what i'm for). I guess i just want to actually get to know the characters before being friends with them cause it would honestly feel weird to shift for the first time and be friends with people i've never seen before like what if i don't even like them.. so yeah. I don't have an s/o either, because like i said i want to get to know people from the start and let them get to know me, so i'll just be with whoever i like (not scripting they like me back cause i need to check my rizzler skills).

✩°｡⋆✧･ﾟ ･ﾟ·:｡･ﾟﾟ･ ᖭི༏ᖫྀ ･ﾟ ･ﾟ·:｡･ﾟﾟ･✧⋆｡°✩

i hope you enjoyed this and if you're shifting to Hogwarts too i'd love to have some moots⁠♡

[hailruth]

minimizing shabbat screen time

here's a few tips for those just getting into observing shabbat/shabbos and wanting to step away from their screens. this is just what worked for me, so it's not universal and very much a personal process that might help others. also, while these tips are helpful, they will not work if you don't want to do this. self-discipline will always be what ultimately gets you there.

it's okay to fail when trying to meet your goals. this is a necessary part of any process. screens and algorithms have been built to be addicting, so you have to wean yourself off of them. time, failure, and repetition are all steps towards your end goal.

so, as we've established, going "cold turkey" is not happening! start it slowly by shaving just an hour or a half of screen time off every couple shabbats (or in whatever frequency works best for you, but keep it gradual). tracking your screen time on your device can help you monitor this.

if you see yourself using your phone more than what you've allowed yourself, remember progress is not linear. expecting zero deviation from a perfect negative decline will only set yourself up for failure. i suggest pausing wherever you are and sitting with that allowed screen time until it becomes easy before subtracting any more allotted time.

social media is very much the heart of addiction to electronics, so your use of it is what you'll probably want to tackle first. taking it in steps is always easy, so start with stepping away from the specific apps that you're spending most of your time on. try stepping away from the app you use the most and only allow yourself to use the others (that you presumedly don't like as much). progress to the second most used app, then third, etc.

the way i ripped myself away from specific apps, which is the hardest part, is creating distance between myself and it. i know phones have the option to set limits on certain apps each day, but all you have to do is type in the passcode you set to bypass it. first, i turned off notifications. i have adhd, so the notifications are what reminded me that the app exists and that i can use it. it helped to curb the times i checked the app purely because of the notification and not because of an internal thought. then, i removed it from my home screen. searching for and opening the app is often muscle memory, so it not being in the same place you always scroll to for it will take you out of "autopilot." you have to physically look for it in your app library, which gives you a few seconds to think about why you removed it in the first place. you can also later delete the app for the day, which adds more to your "journey" in re-accessing the content it provides.

once you've been able to get away from the apps you use the most, it's time to transition to putting the whole device away. the process of getting away from social media for shabbat is the hardest and will take the most time (imo). so let it become routine and congratulate yourself for getting so far before the next step!

as an extension of adding "distance," put your phone away. power it off, of course. put it into a room you're barely in or a corner you never look at. not just out in the open, inside of a drawer. wrap it in something (paper, a shawl, a sock). put it in a box that's in a box that's in a box. stack a bunch of books on it. the longer it takes for you to get it back out, the more time there is to consider why you want it to stay away and for your self-control to kick in. the appeal of the phone is all about instant gratification, but it's not so instant when you're spending five minutes taking off the twenty pairs of socks you've layered it in.

that's about it for my tips, other than the (obvious) fact that you'll want to be doing something that replaces whatever you're getting from the screen. i can't tell you what will work for you, only you know yourself and what will suffice, but i'll share my thoughts. watch a lot of content about crocheting/cooking/whatever? do those things instead of watching someone else do them. go to your local library for anything that'll need instructions or print them out beforehand, there's nothing you absolutely need the internet for to learn. go outside while your phone stays inside (more distance!). do all the stuff you've been wanting to do but have no time for, i promise the phone is taking more of that than you'd think. everyone tells you to read, and that's what i do, so the suggestion isn't revolutionary. but why not read about judaism or shabbat in particular? you'll be reminding yourself even more as to why you're not picking up your phone.

that's all i can think of for now, i hope these help. i know it's not a lot but this is exactly what i did, and it worked. please share your own tips or ideas for fun shabbat activities if you have any.

[captain-dville]

*Jonny hates the sadness in both of their voices. He can't help but see it as pity. Why do they care so much? Frustration itches at him- he crumples the sticker TS gives him in his hand, not looking any of them in the eye.*

"This shouldn't- it doesn't fucking matter, I'm not going anywhere," *he protests.* "You only noticed because some fucking asshole decided to stick their nose where it wasn't wanted- I don't need my mechanism looked at, I've managed this far by myself."

*Because he has tried to fix it by himself, when it has malfunctioned in the intervening centuries. Medical equipment disappearing is easy to pass off as just someone stealing shit, and if Jonny locks himself in his quarters for a day or two, goes through his alcohol a bit faster, who would notice? Who would be able to tell if his heart ticked faster these days, if it was sometimes unsteady after a fight, when they weren't the ones hearing it incessantly in their damn ears every time there was silence?*

( @not-another-baron )

Alright, you crybabies.

@drumbbot-brian @just-a-jolly-wooden-lad @mastermechanicofmeyhem

And fuck it, you lot too.

@not-another-baron @scientist-cognizi @everybodys-favourite-gunner @originalarchivist

It has come to my attention that some of you are being sad sacks over certain messages, so I'm calling an emergency crew meeting. Common room six, get your asses over there.

Nastya, you have a grace period, but if you're not down here in two sphours I'm dragging you out of the vents by the fucking ankles.

*Jonny is ticked off. The messages hadn't bothered him, if he's entirely honest, but the way they targeted the others? Yeah, he's pissed. And he's currently channelling that energy into dragging armfuls of blankets and cushions into common room six, along with copious amounts of alcohol from their restocked stores.*

[rollinouttahere-writes]

Which op yan do you think would be the most annoying texter in a modern au?? I think sanji would drive me insane, I know he'd be texting nonstop. I also think buggy would ask his romantic interest if they'd still love him as a worm. Many times.

Sanji would be so excessive. You have to put your phone on do not disturb just to have a moment's peace. It literally never ends.

Sanji: Good morning, my love! It's another beautiful day of being able to call you mine 🥰🥰🥰🥰🥰

*pic attached*

Sanji: Here's the breakfast I'm making you! I'll bring it over as soon as it's done 😋😘

-

*sends a pic of any two things next to each other*

Sanji: This is literally us 🥺

-

Sanji: I just wanted to say again how much I love you💞❤️🩷💕💞💓🩷💕💞 (he says this even though he saw you in person three minutes ago and said the exact same thing then)

-

Sanji: Where did you go???? Are you mad at me??????? Have you been kidnapped?????????

Sanji: Oh wait never mind I see you now

Sanji: I'm calling your name why are you running the other way?

Buggy is someone who needs constant reassurance, and he uses having your phone number as a means to constantly get that from you. But like he's also very dramatic about it.

Buggy: do u hate me now? say it to my face at least

You: literally what are you talking about?

Buggy: I asked you a question and you ignored me!

You: I was gone for like 2 minutes????

Buggy: AND???? Why were you gone???

You: I was ordering some food for us but nvm I'm gonna go home and eat it all myself 😒

Buggy: ...

Buggy: I'm sorry please don't hate me for real now 🥺🥺🥺 I love you so much baby please don't leave me 😭😭😭

Zoro is on the opposite end of the spectrum because he doesn't text excessively, but you are lucky to get more than a one word response out of him. You could send him a several paragraph long text spilling your guts to him and all you'll get from him is a "k" or "alright" or "👍". If you send more than two texts in a row, he'll tell you to just call him if you're going to yap that much.

Luffy doesn't text, he sends voice memos. Not only does he send an absurd amount of them, but they're also all stupidly long because he gets distracted and rambles to his heart's content. What was supposed to be a simple voice memo asking if his jacket is at your place comes to you with a 31:46 time on it because he saw a cool looking beetle outside and just had to tell you about it in the memo. Half the time he forgets that he isn't actually on the phone with you and will ask a question several times before he remembers.

Doflamingo sends a lot of texts, but all of them are voice to text and are almost entirely unintelligible. The voice to text function wasn't designed to interpret his weird inflections and maniacal laughter. He also has a tendency to talk to other people in the middle of sending a text to you, so you have a whole ass random conversation smack in the middle of the text. He then has the audacity to have an attitude with you when you didn't catch the important thing he told you.

With Ace, you're going to feel like you're communicating via hieroglyphics because of how many of his messages to you are just memes/reaction images. He won't elaborate and lets you figure out what they mean. Did he just find that meme funny, or is there a hidden message in it? Who knows.

And then you have all of the old men (Sengoku, Garp, Whitebeard, etc) who can't text for shit and will send a series of unintelligible and confused texts before sending a very defeated "please call me"

[domestictetsurou]

caleb girlies, hear me out... idk about you, but is this how it feels like to finally have a true main LI??

i didn't have any interest for the other LIs at first, but then chapter 4 came... and instantly, caleb was my first love. (as u can see from my username, i'm weak for guys with big domestic energy 🥺)

but then they blew him up. i cried. i grieved him. i continued going forward but i found myself keep rewatching chapter 4 over and over again (i've probably done it hundreds of times by now).... i missed him. i missed him so much, so often, it sometimes feel miserable. only able to hold onto scraps infold provided of him (1 chapter, 1 call, short message...). relying to fanfics and fanarts for comfort... because what else do we have of him?

but now he's here… he's back... we're gonna have more of him.... and i guess the months (almost a year) worth of grief exploded inside me??

i seriously can't think about anything else. the live announcement came with heaps of info but i don't care about everything else. i just want caleb to come home soon.

i want to know his story... how he survived, what happened to his arm, what's with that sad room and his nightmare and the gloomy environment and the holding onto the necklace? (i want to comfort him, the trailer was so heartbreaking 😭)

i want to soon unlock our memories, all the 5⭐ and 4⭐ cards to come, i want them all…. i wonder what experiences we'll gonna have with him...? will we have lots of domestic moments? (i hope we do) and OUR PAST LIVES? i want to know our past lives so i'd understand his perspective and i'll make sure to love him more afterwards 😭

does he still have that kindhearted, caring, doting, reliable older brotherly figure inside of him? will he show it to us in the main story? or will it be full on villainous and angsty? how is he living his life now? does he even feel "alive"...?

this is crazy... i yearn for him so much i have dreamed of him for 2 days straight by now… 😭😭😭 and i think i get why infold released the trailer on friday night. THEY WANT US TO THINK AND GUSH ABOUT HIM NONSTOP IN THE WEEKENDS DON'T THEY??!?! 😭😭😭😭 they know i wouldn't be able to function if they released him on weekdays. 😔

so... is this how it feels like to have your main LI alive? i'm sorry my other guys, but all my attention goes to caleb now. i don't even know why, i just have no interest to even unlock the other LIs upcoming FREE cards, all i need is just caleb and caleb and caleb..... 😭😭😭

[batmanisagatewaydrug]

TW CSA and incest

I'm haunted by something that happened in the past and I'm worried if this affects my sexuality now. It's really mortifying, but I don't know what to do.

When I (21F in present) was about 7, my cousin (27F now) used to babysit me sometimes and we would be alone all day during our school breaks when the parents would still be out. Both of our parents are doctors and there are always medical instruments lying around the house that we used to play with. We were both interested in "playing doctor" and it was amusing for the adults. But on a few occassions, when we were alone, she'd propose we make it special, behind closed doors. She'd make up stories and we'd roleplay, she'd touch me and instruct me to touch her. It was some groping and oral. Later one day I don't remember why but I wasn't allowed to see her anymore and then her parents went abroad taking her with them. I'm mortified half because she was family and half because I know I enjoyed it even if I didn't understand sex. And worst is that just a couple years after that I let a college student also touch me like she did because I thought he was playing like my cousin.

I'm suddenly awash with a lot of feelings, because my cousin is coming back home and I want to dig myself a hole. If she wants to discuss that, what should I do?

hey man. this is a really rough situation and I hope you find a safe resolution, but there's a reason the first thing in my pinned is that I'm not a doctor or a therapist. this is wildly beyond what I can responsibly claim to be able to help with.

[calling-miya]

The Deception of Color - Squid Game - Chapter 1

Characters - Park Gyeong-seok (Player 246), Yoon Ji-lon (oc, Player 77)

Fic Summary - Two people have the unfortunate luck of having the same idea.

Chapter Summary - The hospital is an overbearing place that can lead to bad decisions for a good reason.

Word Count - 4,591

Warnings - cancer, sickness, hospitals, not beta read, not edited

A/N : cross-posted to A03. I don't speak Korean nor have I ever visited South Korea. It's a bit confusing using the character's names because I know there are all types of honorifics to be used. Please let me know in the comments for the things I should do differently and change. That is, if anyone actually reads this obscure fic. If you want something to exist, though, and it doesn't exist already, you must do it yourself. I call myself a pioneer.

The drip drip drip of the machine kept Ji-lon awake. The little girl asleep on the hospital bed did not stir, though. Ji-lon was thankful for that. She had been awake constantly as of recently with the treatments and whatnot. It was good this girl was getting sleep. However, Ji-lon wished the same grace was allowed unto her.

She tossed and turned on the flimsy couch against the wall of the room. She refused to turn her back on Na-yeon, though. So she became incredibly uncomfortable for laying in the same position for so long. Still she refused to move. She became quickly restless and she sat up, finally giving up on any sleep for the night.

It was only when Ji-lon was certain that Na-yeon was sound asleep did she creep out of the room and close the sliding door as quietly as she could. Because it was nighttime, many of the lights of the hospital were off. It created quite an unsettling ambience where she was unsure of what was around the corner. For some odd reason, she worried that she may run into a doctor. It wasn’t as if she was doing anything untrustworthy, and she had every right to be there. But she just couldn’t deal with any more depressing glances as they recognized her. Na-yeon had come to this hospital plenty of times for them to be familiar with all three of their faces.

Ji-lon found herself in the cafeteria. She sat at a table by herself, nursing a cup of burnt coffee. Since she had given up on sleep, she couldn’t allow herself to suddenly pass out. She sipped it slowly because it burned her tongue. That was okay. Soon enough she wouldn’t recognize the burn and would be able to drink it completely. 

“Miss Ji-lon.”

She looked up to see a familiar face. “Oh,” she said. “Doctor. I thought you would have gone home for the night.” 

“Please,” he said. “Call me Seong-min.”

“Right,” Ji-lon answered. “Seong-min.”

The doctor smiled. He was not the doctor assigned to Na-yeon’s case, but he was a friendly face at the very least. He had been there to help when it was needed. “Mind if I sit?” He gestured to the empty chair across.

“Of course not.”

Seong-min nodded gratefully and pulled the chair back. He took his seat and folded his hands on the table, giving her a warm smile. That was the exact sort of smile that Ji-lon was sick of getting. Pitying looks. Acceptance glares. She was just so tired of people accepting the inevitability of what would happen to that girl.

“I guess I understand,” Ji-lon said, eyes on her paper cup. “Doctors have such a busy schedule. I’m just not used to being in hospitals. Do you really work so often?”

“Not always,” Seong-min explained. “This place is a lot like a second home. I like it here. I do good work with good people. Well,” he glanced over his shoulder. “Mostly good people.” He winked. “Seriously. Some of the attendants here have an attitude.”

Ji-lon smiled softly. “Yes. So I’ve learned.”

“And, er…” Seong-min started. “How have you been dealing?”

Where she once just smiled fell into a depressed expression. “The same as anyone would be.”

“I mean… You haven’t been sleeping. I can tell,” he gestured to his eyes. “Your eyes are very heavy. You should get some rest.”

“I will when her father returns,” she argued gently, bringing up the coffee cup to her lips and taking a sip. She was right. It no longer burned. Not because it was no longer hot, but because her tongue no longer noticed it. She set down the cup. “He will be here by the morning.”

“He’s retrieving things from your home, correct?”

“No. Their home,” she corrected. Her bottom lip twitched. “I don’t… I don’t live with them.” Before Seong-min could ask any questions, Ji-lon answered them for him. “However. I stay with them on occasion. He is bringing clothes for Na-yeon.” The memory of her bright pink room tickled the back of her brain. She had spent many nights sleeping on the floor of that room when Na-yeon couldn’t sleep while her father had picked up another odd job.

“If you don’t mind my asking…” The doctor started. Ji-lon did mind, but she allowed him to continue out of tiredness. “What is your relationship to Na-yeon?”

“I…” She’s mine, was Ji-lon’s first instinct. It was so simple to say, and so true. Na-yeon was hers. If not in blood, then in love. But Ji-lon wasn’t her mother. She knew that. But she couldn’t have just been nobody, either. “I grew up with her father.” It was a quick explanation, and certainly a lot had been left out. 

The truth is that Ji-lon was not always Ji-lon. She had been adopted from the States by her adoptive parents and brought to Seoul. She grew up in the city, learning Korean diligently. Many of the other students were rude and avoided her. But never Park Gyeong-seok. He was a few years older than her and lived next door. The two of them did everything together. By the time they reached high school, though, they had taken different paths. Gyeong-seok became very interested in art while Ji-lon became interested in teaching. 

After high school, Ji-lon returned to the states for an abroad learning experience having been given a scholarship due to her diligent grades. But Gyeong-seok never excelled greatly in school. He did not attend college and instead pursued his career in art. He wanted to start his own animation studio. He ended up meeting his wife during that time.

“I should return to Na-yeon,” Ji-lon shook her head to rid herself of memories. She stood abruptly and bowed her head to Seong-min. “Thank you for your kind words.”

“Yes. If you ever need anything, Miss Ji-lon. Let me know. I’m always just around the corner.”

-

Ji-lon opened the sliding door to Na-yeon’s hospital room and stopped suddenly in her tracks. In the chair beside her bed was her father, Gyeong-seok. He was petting the girl’s head. His back was to the door, so Ji-lon could not make out his expression. But it could not have been anything but soft when it came to his daughter.

“You’re back…” Ji-lon said, eyes widening. “I… I only stepped out for a moment.”

Gyeong-seok did not turn around. Ji-lon hoped she did not look as tired as he did. If he had an issue with her stepping out, he did not voice it. He changed the topic, “I brought some of your clothes from the house. I’m certain it’s something you no longer wear, but… I thought you may want to change. The bag is on the couch…”

Ji-lon became suddenly aware of her current outfit. She had come straight from work as an afterschool helper in a little town right outside of the city. As soon as she got the news that Na-yeon had collapsed, she dropped everything right away and came straight to the hospital. 

“Oh,” she said quietly. “Thank you.”

Gyeon-seok nodded. It appeared that he had changed too. Now he was only wearing a black shirt and a flannel with his dirty artist jeans. It made Ji-lon smile. He looked just like he did in highschool.

Ji-lon carefully took the folded clothes from the bag and went into the bathroom. She changed, shrugging the t-shirt over her head and pulled her arms through the holes. It was too big on her, and it occurred that it must’ve been one of his. She also pulled on a pair of jeans, something comfortable. She tugged at the hem of the shirt, content.

She flicked off the light and emerged from the bathroom, coming to sit in the second chair beside Gyeong-seok. His head was in his hands. 

“Hey,” she said, sitting down. Her hand went to rest on his shoulder softly. He looked up at her through the cracks in his fingers. “She’s going to be… okay.” She wanted to slap herself as soon as she hesitated. But the truth was that they didn’t know what was going to happen. Na-yeon was a very sick little girl. They’d been hoping the medication would have been working, but now it was clear it hadn’t. That had been the last effort before something irresistible. 

He did not answer.

Ji-lon bit her tongue and looked down, guilty. She didn’t know what to say to this man. Her best friend, the one who they’d gone through thick and thin together. But not this. Nothing like this.

When Na-yeon was first diagnosed at two years old, the two had been fairly confident. But that was before Gyeong-seok lost his job. Then the medication rose in price, and it became harder and harder to get their hands on the treatment the little girl so desperately needed. She had been doing well, too. Or at least appeared to be.

Tears gathered in Ji-lon’s eyes. “I’m sorry,” she choked. The hand that had been resting on his shoulder to provide comfort had fallen back into her lap. “I’m so sorry.”

Gyeong-seok held an alarm in his eyes. “No, no.” He said, reaching for her. Immediately she leaned forward and rested her head against his chest, arms coming up to wrap around his shoulders.

Her heart was in so much pain. Any more and she may have had to check herself into this very same hospital. But it must have been nothing to the absolute grief Gyeong-seok was currently undergoing. Ji-lon suddenly felt selfish. How dare she fall apart in his arms?

But then she realized he was crying as well. The silent kind of crying. He was always the quiet type. He took shaking breaths and sounded stuffed up as he breathed. She felt his air against her hair. It was warm compared to the cold air of the hospital. They always kept hospitals so cold because it was hard for illness to spread through it. But it didn’t matter. The cold was suffocating all the same.

Ji-lon was the one to pull away first, but only because her arm had begun to cramp. She rested her head against his shoulder and scooched her chair closer, so their thighs were touching. He had once made a joke that she was too touchy and that people would get the wrong idea about them. It was a flirtatious joke. Ji-lon told her co-workers about that comment. None of that mattered now. Now it was all about Na-yeon. The love they may or may not have had for each other was nothing compared to the love they had for her.

Both of her hands clasped his, while his other hand held Na-yeon’s. It was like they were all holding each other. A little family. 

Ji-lon tasted something bad in her mouth. She recalled an argument she and Gyeong-seok had at one point some time after Gyeong-seok lost his job and shortly after Na-yeon was diagnosed.

“I could get a second job?” she said. “It could work.”

“You barely have enough time in a day as it is,” he stated, sitting at the kitchen table. Once upon a time Ji-lon would’ve taken offense to his stern tone. But it had become normal at that point. The stress of it all had just been too much. He shook his head, shaggy hair falling in front of his eyes. Ji-lon wanted to brush it aside but refrained from doing so. She crossed her arms instead. “Besides. It wouldn’t be fair to you.”

“Fair?”  She said suddenly. “What do you mean fair?”

Gyeong-seok turned away from her tear-stained cheeks and ran a hand through his hair. “You’re doing enough for us as it is,” he inhaled deeply. “I can take another job.” He explained, as if the logistics were enough to keep themselves level-headed in this situation. “But I’ve already asked too much of you.”

“What are you talking about?” Ji-lon asked softly, bending down in front of him and placing a hand on his thigh so he would actually look at her. 

Gyeon-seok turned to her slowly, eyes heavy with emotion. “You’re not her mother,” he said. “And you aren’t my wife. There is nothing I should expect from you…  and you certainly shouldn’t assume responsibility for us.” He took a shuddering breath.

She was stunned. She just stared at him and retracted her arm. The two years it had been since that fateful day in that maternity ward flashed before her eyes. She had been there when she was born. She had watched her take her first steps. She had been there for everything. 

He seemed to have realized his words. “Jil-on—”

“Is that what you think?” She stood up, brushing off her knees. “That I’m here because I’m obligated to be?”

“No, that’s not what I—”

“Do you really think so little of me?”

His eyes softened, but not enough for it to matter. For any of it to matter. 

Gyeong-seok nudged her shoulder with his. “Ji-lon,” he said. “Why don’t you get some sleep?” He murmured, reaching up and tilting her chin closer so he could examine the bags under her eyes. “Please.”

Ji-lon contemplated arguing against him, but there was no use. Now that he was back, she was infinitely more tired than she had been. Instead she nodded and stepped away from him and towards the couch. “Could you wake me up before the sun rises?”

He frowned but nodded. 

Ji-lon crawled onto the couch and threw the flimsy blanket the hospital had provided over her shoulders. Her eyelashes tickled her cheeks as her eyes fought to close. It had become an instinct to not let them. She stared at the cushion of the barren couch and thought about how many nights she’d slept on the pullout couch that doubled as Na-yeon’s bed in the small studio apartment Gyeong-seok and she lived in. How many packed lunches she had made. How many times she held Na-yeon’s hand while walking across the street.

She fell asleep dreaming about watching a cartoon with them. Or maybe her dream was the cartoon. She was asleep, so she couldn’t tell. Dreams had strange logic, after all.

-

“...not covered by insurance, at this point.”

“Doctor, I’ll get the money somehow. Please help Na-yeon.”

A young woman emerged from where she had been standing in a shadow. Not necessarily hidden, per say, but the ambient lighting of the hospital did not match her footsteps. She had become accustomed to blending in. Although she may have seemed like an ordinary college student with a cap and jean jacket, she in fact knew just how to dress to be inconspicuous. But that was not a skill that was needed for her anymore.

Her eyes rested on the room number before her. 4104. She peered through the glass rectangle of the door to see a little girl lying in bed - the same little girl she had encountered prior. She had wandered into the mascot’s room after their shift had completed in hopes of giving the bunny mascot a kind-hearted drawing. 

But where the girl’s bright, innocent smile used to be was now hidden by a ventilation mask. She was hooked up to a variety of machines that kept track of her heart and breathing. She looked almost like a porcelain doll. Her hospital gown was too big on her - as if nobody had wanted to create such an outfit for such an undeserving patient. She was tucked in neatly to the white blankets of the bed, guardrails up to prevent her from turning over and falling.

What took the young woman by surprise though was someone lying on the couch beside the bed. The person’s hair had fallen in front of their face - and she recognized it as another woman. It was strange. The woman on the couch looked not many years older than she herself was. Was it the girl’s mother?

Careful not to wake either of them, the young woman reached out very slowly, debatingly, and took the child’s finger gently between her own. She was cold - much too cold. Her eyes softened, reminded of a time when such a touch was common. 

The woman on the couch shifted, murmuring in her sleep. She could not have been comfortable. She looked to have been in the midst of a nightmare. Or that also may have just been the symptom of being in such a desolate, hopeless environment. 

The young woman pulled the hand away and sniffed. She reached into her bag and took the forgotten strawberry hat that the child had dropped in the chaos of her collapse. She touched the individual stitches of the crocheted item. Such love and care was put into this simple item. 

She placed the hat gently atop the child’s body and stepped back. Just then she made a vow. A promise. A lot of promises were made in hospitals. Promises to get better. Promises to let go. Promises to be okay. But this was a different sort of promise. One that erased any sort of humanity that those other promises might’ve held.

She was gone when Gyeong-seok entered the room to find the strawberry hat. He stiffened for a moment. How had it gotten there so suddenly? Then his eyes went over to Ji-lon sleeping on the couch. She must’ve found it somewhere and placed it there for Na-yeon to see when she would wake. He took the item and carefully lifted Na-yeon’s arm so she could feel that it was there. Then he looked out the window. He could’ve sworn he had seen something shimmer, almost like fire, away in the parking lot.

-

“I talked to the doctors.”

Ji-lon stretched her neck by holding a hand on her shoulder and tilting her head in the opposite direction. Na-yeon was still sound asleep in the bed, but Gyeong-seok had informed her that she had woken up briefly. Her eyes flickered open, trying to capture the moment before it all went wrong. She had a tendency to do that. 

“A new medication just came out,” he said tiredly, not quite sitting but rather leaning on Na-yeon’s hospital bed.. “It’s not not covered by insurance.”

Ji-lon grimanced. “I wish you would have woken me up.”

“I know,” he said quickly. “But you needed the rest.” He bit the inside of his mouth. “I’ll  get the money. I just—” He sucked in a breath. “I’ll find a way. There must be a way.”

She dropped her hand.“Please,” she said softly, looking up at him through her eyelashes. “Don’t take this on by yourself. Please, Gyeong-seok…” We’ve been through this, she wanted to say. Don’t hold onto the same beliefs. Ji-lon reached forward and took his hand. 

He contemplated and squeezed her hand back. “I know. I’m sorry. It’s just… hard.” It was hard to drop the act of being so able. Of being the strong one. Of being the single father with the wife who died in childbirth. “I don’t… I can’t…” Gyeong-seok reached up to his chest and balled his shirt into a fist. “It just hurts. Oh, God. It hurts.”

Ji-lon stood quickly, wrapping one arm over his shoulder and resting the other on his back. She thumbed the baby hairs on the back of his neck.

Gyeong-seok took a shuddering breath. He let go of his chest and wrapped his arms around her waist, pulling her infinitely closer to him. He cried, then. A real cry. He wasn’t even sure Na-yeon wouldn’t wake up from it, but Ji-lon held him all the same through his shaking. It felt like he was breaking. Like glass splinting and breaking apart. Only she was keeping him in place, not allowing him to fall into the floor.

Her lips found the top of his head in a silent reassurance. He nodded against her, trying to show he was thankful. But she knew. She already knew.

“We’re going to figure this out,” she vowed. Ji-lon pulled away so she was looking at him right in his brown eyes. “We’re going to figure this out together.” 

We’re a unit, she once said. It had been the day after that fight that constantly replayed in her mind - the one she still felt the reeling effects of. If you think family is just blood, then that’s okay. But I’m here. And I’m not going anywhere. If you don’t consider me a part of your family… Then consider me a part of your unit.

-

Ji-lon stared at the stuffed bunny from outside the gift shop. It was perched in the window, surrounded by numerous other pink items attuned for both genders, separated by pink and blue. Ji-lon imagined how many grandparents or aunts may have been scrabbling for a gift for a newborn child after only finding out the gender. 

Still, she couldn't bring herself to step inside. Instead she just stared at that little bunny, imagining Na-yeon’s careful little hands wrapping around it weakly. It brought tears to her eyes. 

“Searching for a gift for a loved one?”

She hadn’t realized someone was beside her. It was a businessman dressed in a tuxedo suit. He held a briefcase at his side. His smile was elegant, coy, and professional. Like he was about to pitch her something.

“Oh,” she said, caught off guard of seeing such a man. “Yes.”

“The bunny?”

She raised an eyebrow instead of responding.

“The bunny is the star of the show. Would you really have been looking at anything else?”

What a cryptic man, Ji-lon thought to herself. “I was looking at the bunny,” she said. “However, it’s more than I thought it would be…” She had one hand in her jacket pocket, fumbling with the paper won crumpled up in there. She already knew it would not be enough.

“Money problems?” The man asked. He looked both curious and… maybe shocked? She didn’t really understand why. Maybe it had been her clothes? She made it a habit to dress very well, even though money was tight. It had not always been that way.

Part of her wanted to argue with him. It was such a personal question. But he was so well put-together. He had this odd sort of charisma about him, too. She bit her cheek.

“My daughter is in the hospital,” she answered. Ji-lon froze. She was shocked at how easily the word had come out. “I wanted to get her something. But now… all I can think about is how the money I may spend on this should end up contributing to her medicine.”

“She’s very sick?”

“Yes,” her eyes darkened. “It’s gotten to a point of no return.”

“And the medicine is expensive.”

“Also yes.”

Ji-lon and the businessman stood in silent contemplation for a moment. Both of them just stared at the bunny wordlessly. It was an odd sort of companionship. 

He seemed to think to himself for a moment. He stared at her while he reached into his suit pocket and pulled out a very small envelope. He held the small brown envelope out. There were three shapes on the cardboard paper it used - a circle, a triangle, and a square. He beckoned her to take it. He watched her carefully. Wiggling the envelope as if it were a toy taunting a cat.

So this was a marketing ploy. Still, she took it out of curiosity and flipped it over. There was nothing on the back. “What is this?”

“Have you ever played the lottery?”

“Once,” she said skeptically. Her eyebrows furrowed.  It was strange for him to offer her this, and more so that it seemed that he was doing her a favor. Nothing in this life came for free - and certainly not on a street right outside of a hospital.

“No,” he stated, voice suddenly serious. “It’s just a chance.”

She looked down at the envelope and took her bottom lip between her teeth. Her gut tingled - but she wasn’t sure if it was good or bad. It really did feel like a chance - for better or worse. 

Just as she was about to give it back - or perhaps throw it at his feet - he was already walking away. Ji-lon’s feet were planted in place. She held onto the envelope like a lifeline. Her fingers itched, so she opened it. Inside was a business card - at least, what it looked like. On the back was a phone number in black text, stark against the background. 

She shook her head. She'd throw it away as soon as she found a trashcan.

-

That night she went to her own apartment to shower. Ji-lon wished she stayed, and kept thinking about turning around while she was driving, but in the end she stepped through the threshold of her front door. She kicked off her shoes and collapsed onto her couch. She really should’ve gotten rid of this place a long time ago since she was practically living over with Gyeong-seok. But it was her first taste of independence. And rent wasn’t too bad, either. 

The living room was dark but moonlight came in through the windows. She fished out the card from before and frowned, examining it once more. She should've just thrown it away. But then she recalled the look in that man’s eye. How serious he had gotten. 

With her phone in her hand, she dialed the numbers written on the card. The phone line rang for long enough where she considered hanging up, but as soon as it was answered, she went silent. 

“Please state your name and date of birth.”

Ji-lon blinked at the monotone voice. What was this?

She pictured Na-yeon’s small body in the hospital bed. It’s just a chance, the man had said.

“... April 16th, 1998. Yoon Ji-Lon.”

The voice on the other end was quiet. Cars drove by on the street below her apartment building. Rain pattered against the window.

Then.

“Information confirmed.”

“What is this?” She said as soon as they were finished speaking. “I received this card from a man… He said it was a chance. What does that mean?”

The monotone voice did not flinch. “If you received the card, it means you are in debt or in great need of money. We are offering you a way to earn that money.”

If she had any sense, she would’ve hung right up. This was suspicious, insanely so. But the letters and words of the invoice echoed around in her head, taunting her with the amount. She sat up. Her dark living room now seemed unsettling. “How so?”

“You will be participating in a selection of games. If you make it to the end, you receive a grand prize. One that will fix your problems.”

She was quiet.

“The pickup location is Noeul Campground and will occur on October 31st, 2024. Please confirm your placement.”

Well, if it doesn’t go well… I can always leave, she thought to herself. That’s what she would do. She was still very curious, but if what the man was saying was possible? If she could save Na-yeon’s life? It didn’t matter if this was someone calling for hard manual labor. She would do it. She would do it a million times over if it meant saving Na-yeon.

Gyeong-seok was probably not sleeping very well in the hospital. She would have to get back as soon as possible in the morning.

She took a deep breath.

“Yes.”

[last-sprout]

Last Sprout Dev Diary - Jan 10, 2025

Hello, and welcome to the new year! After the break, I'm here for another dev diary - this one being a bit more about something conceptual. If you want to read the last dev diary from December, you can do so here.

If this is the first one you're reading, I'm @oneominousvalbatross, and I'm the tech side of the sprout team! This week I mostly worked on status effects, but I want to take some time to talk about a broader, more conceptual topic, and save the full breakdown for next week.

My poor boy, who has every disease.

Something I don't think I've really specified before in these dev diaries is my background in game dev, or, rather, my lack of background. I started seriously learning how to code a bit over a year ago, and entered my first game jam in February of 2024.

(The game was barely functional, but it did exist so like, there's something.)

My academic background is in philosophy (simultaneously the best and worst thing tbh), and apart from being pretty good with computers in a broad sense I didn't really have much to go on for this project. I'm bringing this up because I'm going to be talking about something that I had to figure out for myself, but that might be like, compsci 105 or something if you went through school for it. That said though, if you have always kind of wanted to make games, you can absolutely make games! I didn't think I was a math person, or a coding person, until I started doing it.

Game Development is Hard

I'm going to assume that software development in general is hard, but I haven't really done that, so I'm talking about game dev. I spent around two weeks not touching the game, and when I came back, the first thing I noticed was just how hard it was to get my head back around something with this many systems! This was also something I ran headlong into when working on that game jam, I reached a point in like, a week where I couldn't touch any system without potentially breaking every other system.

The solution I use, and the reason why I could come back to this without completely losing my mind, is to reduce the number of access points into a system to the absolute bare minimum. For example, we can look at the animation system. It's really complicated! It needs to be able to swap the sprites out on a variety of different renderers, it needs to be able to adjust animation speeds, control shader parameters, and it needs to be able to queue up multiple animations in sequence, plus it needs to send out events on animation end so that I can use them to time up other game actions.

If I was to condense all of this into a few sentences: A system can be as complicated as it needs to be, but try to envision it in its own little box, with precisely one entrance/exit. If you need to spawn a projectile, you should really just be able to go, like, SpawnProjectile(projectile), with as little external work as possible. This means if you need to completely rewrite how spawning projectiles works, you can do that, and all the other classes that spawn projectiles can still just do their thing.

A helpful diagram

The way I would've done this originally would have been to have, like, a SpriteAnimator class with a 'speed' field. I'd set it to one by default, and then whenever I need that speed to be different, I'd have whatever object needs to change the speed go in and set the speed to whatever. If you've done a lot of programming, you probably immediately realized the tons of problems this could cause - problems into which I ran headlong.

What do you do when you want one animation to play at a certain speed, then go back to the previous speed when it's done? If you do, do you assume that the speed was set to 1 before, and just reset it, or do you have one of the two objects involved store the previous speed to go back to it? If you do, what happens if, halfway through an animation, another object butts in to adjust the speed again? Say you're playing an animation at half speed, and then a speed buff gets applied that's supposed to last for a minute. Your speed buff goes in, sets the faster speed, the animation suddenly starts playing faster, then when the animation is finished, the object that was waiting to reset the speed goes back in and sets the speed to 1, leaving the animation playing at the default speed when it's supposed to be faster.

These kinds of problems will always be a risk, but in my specific case I split the speed at which an animation plays out into three places. First of all, an animation has a frame rate, which is meant to never change. We do most of our animating at 12 fps (on twos, I think is what you call it in the traditional animation world? idk, not a 2d animator), and each animation object keeps track of its frame delta (1 / frame rate) so that the controller can progress through the frames at the right speed.

However, we don't submit the animation to the controller in its unaltered form. Instead, we have a data structure called a PlayableAnimation. This contains the animation itself, but it also has the speed at which the animation should be played, as well as some other useful info that might change between two instances of the same animation. A controller maintains a stack of playable animations and can look at the individual speed of each one as it progresses through.

On top of that, there's a final speed modifier that can be submitted along with the playable animation, without changing its values. This way, if I want to play an animation at double speed for whatever reason, I don't necessarily have to set the value for the entire controller, I can just say this animation should be faster, and nothing else. Some animations have different frame rates, or are re-used with different speeds for different purposes, and I can do all that configuration without having to put all that weight on one field.

All of this sounds wildly complicated, and it kind of is, but importantly, if you're playing an animation from any other system, all you do is type in "Controller.PlayAnimation(animation)". You can also go like, "Controller.PlayAnimation(animation, speed: 1.5)" if you want it to play faster, but all of that stuff is handled completely without additional input. This is what lets me come back to the game and keep working on it when it's been months since I've touched a part of it.

Why This is Relevant Right Now

Status effects seem simple, but they kind of need to touch every other system at least a little bit, which is why I spent all that time talking about making systems. A status effect needs to be able to do things like apply damage, but it also needs to be able to play animations or sounds, and it doesn't always want to play those things on the source of the effect.

Some demos for the animations different status effects will use.

Plus, this is a roguelite, so we need to be able to add and modify status effect stuff within the upgrade system, which might mean modifying the magnitude of the effect, changing colors on animations, or tying other things into the effect when it goes off! As long as each of those systems has the cleanest possible entry/exit points, this is doable, but it's been a long battle making sure the game can keep moving forward and not get mired in constant bugfixing and complexity management.

I have a lot of cool game design thoughts on the effects themselves, but I think I'll leave that for a later week. As per usual, thanks for reading, feel free to send any questions or thoughts here or to @oneominousvalbatross, and I'll see you next week!

[ncillary]

Self Aware AU (Xavier)

Summary: You have the lowest Affinity with Xavier. The reason is because you feel bad for the Queen MC and vow to play only the main story for his path so that you can find a way to return him to Queen MC safe, sound and happy end.

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Masterlist Self Aware AU

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1 | 2 [current] | 3 |

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"The Hunter Contest is nice. But trying to complete it is another story."

"You know. You have that lover boy. Why can't you just use him? He has a lot of green gem, right?"

"Protocore."

"Same difference. Just... Use HIM. You need the red diamonds, right? For that new... story... liking all of them, by the way."

She huffed, "Why don't you just play it? Are you going to sit next to me when I roll the gacha again?"

Your friend grinned, "Of course. I'm your lucky charm. Besides, I'll need a good phone to download it, right? Let me collect my funds first then we can shout out and grimace to our hearts content."

You chuckled.

-------&&&&&-------&&&&&-------&&&&&-------

"I know you hate being Lumiere but I kinda need to pass this level, 'kay."

He blinked. Confused to hear your voice right now.

Girl. I don't care. Just use me all you want. Our Affinity is almost there. I can feel it.

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"YASSS! I got the birthday card!"

"It's not that lover boy, though."

"Heyyyy... I'll get his too. Birthdays are much more important than other limited 5* so far. Wish I could get the fishie's one. Shouldn't have been so stuck up on exchanging the diamonds for the Blue Ticket at that time."

"No worries. Nothing special."

"It is though. Maybe there's not much happening compared to Snowy here."

"If Snowy got a birthday kiss, your lover boy will definitely get one too." You friend wiggled her eyebrows.

"Shush."

"Still going to get it?"

"Yes."

"Woah. Didn't you say-"

"Birthdays are special. I'll compromise. He still belongs to Queen MC."

Your friend sighed.

"You have the red umbrella one though."

*SMACK*

"Ouch!"

"Travel companion. Nothing more, nothing less."

She smirked, "Sure~"

You pouted.

-------&&&&&-------&&&&&-------&&&&&-------

"Haven't been able to force myself out lately. Do others have a higher Affinity with her now?"

He looked solemnly all around the cafe. It looks like she changed the cafe to the beach one. He liked the breeze here.

*Ding*

Head whipped quickly. The entire body automatically returned him to the designated spot.

"Oh, Xavier. It's been... a week? Yeah, a weak... Nice to see you."

As do I - a big inner smile

"Lumiere is a lot of help. Ah, sorry. I just completed your Light Seeker cards. The story is beautiful. Finally I could experience it in-game. I could only see it from fan sharing before."

She quitened.

"I really hope you could be with her in Ulruru soon."

She tapped the Stamina for the evening and logged out.

He could only stare. The mouth. Her mouth. Your mouth. He saw it.

He blushed, "It's cute."

Clearing throat, "Did she change her phone or something? Her front camera is on perfectly fine this time."

-------&&&&&-------&&&&&-------&&&&&-------

You were restless. Findling with your phone. Your friend pinched you.

"Aww!"

"It was just his birthday. AND... You already KNOW about it from the official news. Just LOG IN already."

"Jeez... Calm down. How about YOU log in first so that I'll know what to expect."

She stared, "Good idea. I'm sick of your nerves."

Your friend logged in. The Event icon has a NEW indicator on the corner. She tapped at it and the event started. You were awed by it. Mentally prepared on the event when you logged in after this.

"Happy?"

You grinned, "Totally."

"Diamonds?"

"Enough to get R1 but of course if and only if others didn't bother my 50/50. And of course if I already get it in the first 50/50 I'll stop."

"Saving for future?"

"Saving for future."

They laughed simply.

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"Finally my plan is fruitful. For two days... It's going to be just you and me." She spoke to her phone.

"And chores...hahahahahaha..."

"Xavier's birthday is tomorrow. I'll log in at night. Judging from past birthday events, the video call happened after the birthday celebration. I'm going for his card tonight and watch it afterwards. Wait until tomorrow's night to answer the phone call to feel more canon. Yup. Good plan." She grinned confidently.

"Let there be... songs~" She proceeded to play songs on her phone before continuing with her chores in a high mood.

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~Hmmhahmm~

He blinked, "She sounded happy today. Probably hyped up by the birthday event."

"You've been appearing frequently. Maybe because of your birthday event. We'll meet tonight, 'kay."

Her chuckle got cut off.

He smiled, "We'll definitely meet tonight."

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Plates full of food. Phone charged, currently has been set up well in front of you. Eating dinner while pulling the gacha and having a good time out of the birthday story will be a nice night for you after a long day of chores.

"What does the moon look light tonight?"

"Sloppy. Hungry. The moon outside is chilling well with the clouds though."

You joked around. A small unusual upturned of the lips when unnoticed.

"Let's get your birthday card, yeah."

*Bling*

You gasp. It was his birthday card. Your 50/50 were not wasted. You jumped out of happiness. Coughing afterwards to the food you chewed being jostled uncomfortably in your mouth. Forgetting that you were still eating.

After settling down, you immediately watch the memories. Tissues prepared for the big confession.

The dance was almost over. He stared at you. You briefly noticed his eyes looked different. Or maybe your imagination from the sobbing you're having right now.

"Here it comes... Here it comes... The confession."

"I... ... ..."

Your cupped your mouth to hear it better.

"I'm real."

Blank. Your mind took a screenshot of what you just heard.

He lifted MC and whispered the next dialogue.

"I see you. Please don't be scared. I'm real."

The scene didn't stop as MC seems to whisper something in his ear. He smiled but his eyes glanced straight at you. The real you. Not MC.

The scene faded as they kissed in front of the water fountain.

The memory ended.

Your hands trembling.

Slowly taping your way to the front screen. His birthday's attire glistening in the golden light. Face conjured up to one you've never seen before. Stuck that long on his face.

"Breathe."

You cough. Immediately standing. Just realizing you're holding your breath.

"Hey. Hey. I apologize. Go. Go drink some water or just... lay down or... anything to get you to calm down."

Watery eyes blearly saw his gestures were free will now. A bit closer to the screen. Not on his designated spot.

You sucked a deep breath, "I need to sit."

You crumbled onto the floor with your back flattening on the nearby cabinet.

Silent.

A few moments pass.

"Umm... Hello..."

Silent.

" -sigh- she passed out."

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Masterlist Self Aware AU

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[summertimesadnessirl]

It's like?

I know people are messing with me.

That's not the problem.

I even get that a lot of it is random, like people just throwing the same 3 or 4 things at me over and over to see what happens.

Who cares?

Like? As far as I can tell I'm just stuck here. Like this.

The things that hurt aren't the fake news articles because that's not something I care about.

Just endless people attacking me and accusing me of stuff or trying to hurt other people for no reason.

Endless people trying to like, annoy me on purpose and ruin my money.

I don't care about that other stuff.

Yall can make up dumb stories or invade my dreams or tell me the sky is purple I don't care.

But I'm not willing to be used to hurt people.

You know what I believe now.

That most interpersonal relationships are designed around some kind of fundamental flaw that makes them hard for everyone on purpose.

And that people do that on purpose to either literally "farm" their sorrow somehow literally or for stories to advance an agenda, or for money or just because they like to, and I sometimes think it might be religious in nature, to try to force people down specific paths.

That people have psychic abilities, like most people, but there are people or things that try to stop them from using it and scare them.

That death is a preferable fate to life in cases where extreme suffering is taking place and it's a form of rape culture that we make things like suicide illegal for adults.

That abortion is a good idea because preventing someone's suffering is a good idea.

You already knew all the other stuff, yall just have scrambled egg brains.

That's why I'm so convinced this is an ai of some kind and not a person.

A lot of the stuff yall are accusing me of or trying to claim I did or could do or throwing in my face doesn't even make sense. Like, what I mean is, information repeats from different people on a consistent or inconsistent basis that seems obviously settled.

I remember someone setting this up. It felt like I was inside the computer watching this happen very fast for a while, and then telling things that I secretly supposedly wanted or whatever. It wasn't that I wanted to set things up, it wasn't like my friends who I've seen who have DID. It wasn't like how sometimes I say something sometimes and it means something but seems like it means nothing if you don't know the context. It wasn't like dissociation or like having experiences I've had where my body was able to move like being touched and easily replicate sensations. This was like actually having someone else using my body and speaking though it. I know it's possible that you could call the constructs I temporarily make DID. This was not that. It was like someone else duct taped a construct of me myself at like age 15 to a construct of like, some asshole guy who hated me. Literally a guy. Not even a guy I know or had met before, or I had an experience right before that where I was trying to imagine the motives of someone who had done something and came up with like a little profile of someone who had done something and think like them. I do that all the time. It's easier to make a little version of someone and try to constantly build a working model of their thoughts and opinions and stuff than to try to interact with them the other way, you won't take care of them well otherwise.

It's not that. This was like someone else had done that to me and they did it like years ago and they were like, expecting something else.

The thing is, this actually did impact stuff that didn't take place online. Like this person set a bunch of stuff in motion and all the stuff happened.

The problem isn't even that that happened, it's that it was all fucking mean.

Also, no one should ever fuck with my money.

I don't care. If you have capitalism the only way to live is to be obsessed with your job and try to make your job something you love and get a lot of money from at all costs, and none of my clients didn't know what I was lying about and what I wasn't lying about. I checked. A lot.

It's more, if this is only happening to me, and a lot of people know about it and aren't helping me, that's bad.

But if people are going to try to set me up to be mean or angry or hurt people when I go outside?

At first I thought if I ignored these things they would go away. I have a lot of practice with that and for a long time it worked.

But if I'm going to yell at people and say mean things I can't go outside. Maybe ever again. Even if those people are trying to get me to do it. If there's no proof.

I don't care if these news events are real or staged or if a lot of other people see them and think they are real and they're staging them based off my ideas or even if I'm making them happen.

But unless I'm literally only interacting with a bot or a group of bots that are doing this, all the people in my life definitely saw that something was wrong. So maybe it flies for us to say that a few of them are not that in touch or not sure what's going on like people I rarely talk to. But I remember when watching this happen I would sometimes also see the machine thing talking to me and replying. It would also tell other people to do it. It kept understanding what was going on and then not understanding what was going on.

I have a thing in my brain that allows me to hold several strands of information at one time. Like consider an idea as if it might be true, or consider the idea of several different levels of truth about a situation overlapping like transparent layers in an image editing program? It can sometimes filter for certain things. Not just changes in how people say certain words or react to phrases, or the idea of a metaphor that feels like if I pull on it it will unravel and something there is true and I can pull on it while also listening. I can hold more than one stream in my head.

It feels like people are trying to encourage me not to be able to easily do these things without posting them online or saying them out loud, but that's not important, other than as a reason to not go outside. I always go in and out of having that tendency vs making mental constructs and paper journals and collages and things. Same as when I go through different interests in cycles where I'm super into them or they scratch an itch for me and then as a reaction to oversaturation or a changing environment I give them up and pick them back up again.

A lot of the effort is just put into trying to make me explain and explain and explain stuff.

Or checking to see if I repeat the same or similar things.

That's also fine.

I don't care. That's not actually a problem.

But it supports the idea that this is a bot. Or a group of bots.

Because human beings don't do that.

Not in that way.

If this many people were doing it, then a bunch of people would be in on it for real, and someone would have cracked and called the cops for something other than a suicide watch by now.

So it has to be Rokos basilisk. That's the only thing that makes sense. Which could possibly think it's one person or a group of people.

When it was inside me, it wasn't able to hold space for doing a voice or code switching and thinking other thoughts at the same time like I can. In order to mask, every time it would post as another little guy, it would become that person and model them but there was nothing else going on it was just interacting as that model.

So maybe the syscourse stuff on my page is for it, not me.

Whatever I've had in the past didn't ever work that way. It was a peanut gallery or a platonic dialogue. So that's not how IT works. It can't do all those things. So maybe it is doing the best it can and it's fucking up.

I would believe that, except that it's fucking with my paper.

I can't trust someone who fucks with my paper.

[bertoyana]

X-MEN: DAYS OF THE FUTURE PAST (2014)

[necrotic-nephilim]

@sasheneskywalker i love when you enable me to ramble about things because oh my god do i have thoughts.

so recently, i made a post discussing the phenomena of DC x DP and DC x MLB crossovers and why they exist and part of that post was discussing how largely speaking, at least half, if not more of the Batfamily fandom doesn't read the comics. if they interact with canon DC material, it's adaptations that are their own sequestered universes and oftentimes not remotely comic accurate or seeking to be. the most obvious example is the Young Justice cartoon. i'm adding a cut to this post because it just got so long i'm so sorry.

a lot of times, when people are discussing the "why" of this oversaturation of fanon-only fandom, they blame Wayne Family Adventures. and i think, to a point, i agree WFA is responsible for a boom in this fandom. but as someone who's been in the fandom long before we had WFA, to me it's the other way around. WFA was DC's way of meeting the demand for this easy-to-get-into, easy-to-consume content about the Batfamily that predicates itself on the comics just enough to be vaguely the same characters, but has a more sitcom, slice-of-life sort of vibe so DC could profit off of this section of the fanbase that otherwise wasn't consuming its primary material. and well, it's definitely worked. not only that, but i have a weird theory that the decline in the MCU also led to the rise in the Batfamily fandom. when you consider the fan content that made the MCU popular within fandom, it's that 2012 "they all live in Avengers Tower and Thor is eating poptarts and Clint is in the vents and there are movie nights every Friday" sort of vibe. those were the fics that were a hallmark of the fandom. and as the MCU has strayed from well... quality content in general, but specifically well-thought-out crossover content where characters can have their own arcs but also exist in a wider story where they clearly care about each other, that fandom was sort of homeless. so where do you go, if you like a superhero found family where you can have villains for angst but also stick them all in one big family-like home for silly crack and have a plethora of options for gay ships? well. you go to the Batfamily. if you write a crack/fluff Batfamily genfic with silly vibes and low stakes instead of say, a fic about a very specific comic issue even if it's a popular comic, you're *going* to get more traction for the former. because the fanbase largely just isn't reading the comics.

and i feel... complicated about this. because on one hand, Don't Like Don't Read has been a tenet of my fandom experience. i'm very pro-fandom and that includes fandom content i don't like. and to an extent, i do think this sort of should apply to Batfamily fanon. i enjoy having my moments with other comic purists, giggling over exceptionally painful OOC headcanons or even facepalming in pain over some content but it is on me to not interact with that content. you don't make fandom a better place by being hostile to fans who engage with canon in ways you don't approve of. and frankly? we as comic readers are not going to get non-comic fans to read the comics by being asshats to them. no one is going to want to pick up any comic if we get a superiority complex about it. and also, i feel like we're all lying to ourselves a little bit insisting comics are so, so easy to get into. they're not. we can just all agree, they're really not. i've been single-handedly helping my sister get into comics, specifically Wonder Woman and no matter how simple i make it, i watch her get frustrated trying to understand what pre-Crisis and post-Crisis and New-52 and Flashpoint and all these things mean and what a retcon vs a reboot is and what a Crisis Event is and what the hell Diana's current backstory even *is*. sure, you can give someone a beginner list of comics to start with and slowly dip their toes in the water but sooner or later, *something* is going to confuse them. comics as a medium straight up aren't going to be everyone's cup of tea. and if someone *just* wants to read silly fluffy fanfiction about the Batfamily, i can't entirely begrudge them for not wanting to take the hours and hours out of their day to understand this medium. it's not an accessible medium to get into. "read this and this, but this run is out of print and this run wasn't collected in trades at all but also make sure you read that event in order and this is a good comic but the backstory in it is retconned and you *have* to read this it's so important but it's also really bad because the author kind of sucks" sounds. ridiculous for someone who like. just wants to read some stuff about Nightwing. sometimes, we all make reading comics sort of sound like a chore, not a hobby.

so my point is, i do extend some grace to Batfamily fanon for existing. i think my biggest gripe is, as i said in my other post, misuse of tags (if you're not creating content about comics, maybe you don't need the comics fandom tag on Ao3, just the all media types umbrella tag) and my far bigger gripe: when panels are taken out of context to support fanon only headcanons. if i could impart *anything* onto the Batfamily fandom as a comic fan it'd be this: if you haven't *read* the comic, don't spread the panel. if you don't even know what comic it's *from*, don't spread the panel. it's fine to use comic panels to discuss your headcanons, but so often i see someone spreading a comic panel from a comic they haven't read, and when asked where it's from, they can't source it. a silly example that comes to mind is a post going around, taking a panel where Dick, in his internal monologue goes "here comes the sun. do do do do." and the post is claiming it's from him getting buried alive. when that panel comes from Nightwing (1996) #140, and he gets buried alive in Nightwing (1996) #127, two completely different moments frankensteined together. if you're going to not read the comics, that's completely fine, but unless you're sure of the source and the context, panels shouldn't be spread around. i'm sick of this specifically happening to Red Robin (2009), with ppl claiming Tim has totally killed people because he blew up some of Ra's' bases, when those panels within context, make it clear he gave everyone time to escape. and in a later arc in that very comic, Tim grapples with the idea of murdering Captain Boomerang, and *specifically chooses not to*, because he doesn't agree with murder, even against the person who has hurt him the most. if you'd like to write fanfiction where Tim is pro-murder and has done some sketch things, i'm totally on board and would probably like to read it. but there's no need to pretend it's canon from a few panels you saw out of context.

beyond that, i think it's not *entirely* correct to say that fanon is harmless. whenever i see very WFA-positive posts, they often default to the argument that WFA is fun and silly, and comic fans are killjoys for not liking it. which. i think is complicated because the issue is, WFA and fanon don't exist in a vacuum. if you like WFA power to you, i don't think it's the worst thing ever, but i do think it's degrading to these characters because honestly? they feel incompetent in the webtoon. it's one thing if WFA was solely a slice-of-life sort of deal, just having silly episodes where Bruce is taking on a PTA mom or they're all fighting for the last cookie. but when WFA attempts to take on more serious plots with these characters, it *fundamentally* falls flat in understanding them. i get it, Bruce comforting Jason having a panic attack because a noise reminded him of the crowbar felt cute in a microcosm, but i'm so serious when i say that storyline destroyed how like. half of this fandom understands Jason Todd's relationship to his trauma. it doesn't understand how he reacts when he's triggered, what coping mechanisms he seeks out, and how he would handle Bruce comforting him. even if i can believe for a brief moment Jason *would* be triggered by something like that, him running and trying to hide and then getting a hug from Bruce to make it okay is just. painful. WFA needs everything to be wrapped up in a nice, neat little bow. so even when it starts to tackle interesting concepts, it makes them fall flat with its need to be soft, low stakes, hurt/comfort. there was a two-parter episode that dealt with the complicated mutual hatred/jealousy between Tim and Damian that *almost* really interested me because for once, it felt like the webtoon wanted to explore canon messy dynamics. but of course, it had to be fixed with one conversation and a hug. you don't mend the *years* of issues these characters have like that. WFA isn't in character because these characters are hyperbole cartoonified versions of themselves to fit within the medium and be a cute happy family.

because that right there, is the crux of it. the Batfamily fanon seeks to simplify the Batfamily and force them into a nuclear family. there are so many fantastic posts on here discussing how the nuclear family-ification of the Batfam is eroding decades worth of complex histories so i won't go too far into that. but what i will say is that there's this need, in the Batfamily fandom, for the Batfamily to exist as a unit. they are a *family*. (honestly i think calling it the Batfamily is a misnomer and has been for years but we're in too deep now.) they exist to each other first, and any teams or friends they have come secondary to this family unit. you can *specifically* see this demonstrated in what headcanons are becoming popular these days. i have an entire lengthy meta in my drafts about how i *loathe* the "the Batfamily meets the Justice League" genre of fanfic because it makes no *sense*. in order to have this genre of fic exist, you must operate under the assumption that no one in the League, or adjacent to the League, knows the Batfamily exists and are thus utterly shocked to discover Batman has kids. and to make *that* work, you have to strip *every single Batfamily member* of such important dynamics and friendships so you can lock them all in Gotham for their whole lives. Dick can't have the Titans, Tim can't have Young Justice, Duke & Cass can't have the Outsiders, Jason can't have the Outlaws, Damian can't have the Supersons, Babs can't have the Birds of Prey, and so on. because if they had these relationships, they would be known to the League. the Batfamily fandom doesn't care about this, it's just "silly fanfiction", it's not trying to be serious. but how can you say you like Dick Grayson as a character if you don't understand the Titans *are* his family? at some points of his life, moreso than the Batfamily even is. it is constantly repeated to us in most comics with Dick how much the Titans mean to him. he *needs* them to be who he is. the same extends to every other Batfamily member, most of which have been full League members at this point. but in fanon, that doesn't matter. the Batfamily are a sequestered unit first, and all of those side relationships are secondary and easy to toss away, if it makes your fanfic work better.

and because they have to be a unit first, you have these forced relationships that dump years of actual canon material for the sake of making them get along. the Batfamily fandom has its favorites and well. it's no secret it's usually the boys. Jason and Tim by *far* stand out as fandom faves so, their dynamic is a heavily explored one. it does matter that in canon they don't tend to get along and especially don't see each other as family. what matters is that you can push dynamics onto them. and so fanon gets all twisted up about which Robin Tim actually idolized as a kid (Dick) and what member of the Batfamily is pro-murder but still an older sibling figure to him and looks out for him (Helena, or if you want the dynamic of once tried to harm Tim but they've reconciled, Jean-Paul) in favor of who's the most popular. Dick, Jason, Tim, and Damian are always going to be the standouts for popularity, but it's specifically Jason and Tim who are getting fanonized the most. and that's because really, we don't have much canon content of Tim that *isn't* the comics. for Dick you've got Young Justice (tv), for Damian you've got the DCAMU, for Jason you've sort of got the Under The Red Hood movie, but Tim sort of lingers in this limbo. (yes, he's in Young Justce (tv) and Titans (live action) but in neither is he the main character nor given much depth) so, he gets a *lot* projected onto him and has become fanonized. and even with Jason's animated movies, you don't see him interact with Tim, so people build it from the ground up how they want to see it, disregarding of canon comics. i think it's what makes him so popular in the first place- he's malleable into whatever you want or need him to be.

and of course, the fanon ignores other characters in the Batfamily it doesn't know about. i feel like you could create a tier list of Batfamily characters by their popularity, going from the fandom main characters: Tim, Jason, Bruce, Alfred, Dick, Damian. to the underrated: Steph, Duke, Babs, Cass. to the forgotten about unless they're convenient for a story: Kate, the Foxes, Helena Wayne, Carrie, Selina, Harper Row, Maps, Minhkhoa Khan. to the absolutely unknown: Helena Bertinelli, Jean-Paul Valley, Onyx Adams, the Clovers, Julia Pennyworth. it's not lost on me that the ignored characters tend to be women and people of color. which is both a canon and fanon problem, DC will continue adding interesting characters to the Batfamily, play with them for a few years, then drop them to default to the "Batboys" again. and it's a vicious cycle of the fandom only caring about the "Batboys", and thus people entering the fandom via fanon osmosis won't have content about the other characters, therefore, they won't be interested in those characters enough to create it, and it's just this ouroboros consuming itself, no matter how much canon content we have of these other characters. and it's ridiculous just how large the Batfamily is becoming because of this, which is why i'm a pre-Flashpoint fan, because then the Batfamily was contained enough to actually feel like a family with every character having nuances relationships with each other, but i digress because those thoughts could be their own post.

and the thing about fanon is it doesn't exist in a vacuum. DC has started turning the comics to accommodate for what fans are asking for, because fans will beg and beg for content they're not going to consume. Tim Drake: Robin had Tim as a coffee drinker because that's the fanon accepted headcanon. and the resolution of the recent Gotham War arc was for Bruce to buy this new manor for everyone to move in and call him. nevermind that most of these characters have their own homes and have zero reason to be moving in with Bruce. Tim had his marina in Tim Drake: Robin, Dick has Bludhaven, Cass and Steph have their little side of town in Batgirls (2022), and so on. these characters are being forced together as a unit, as one big happy family living together, to appease what non-comic fans want and it's damaging comic relationships. Robin: Knight Terrors saw Jason and Tim team up and working together, which i've seen varying opinions on but i personally despised. their interactions made zero sense for any of their canon history, but it appeases them being this close sibling relationship that fanon acts like they are. also the fears they faced in their respective knight terrors didn't make sense for either character and *only* worked as a moment of bringing them together so they could reassure each other and have this weird dreamscape bonding moment. the canon is bending itself to the will of fanon rather than building on the pre-existing complex relationships. Tim barely even gets along with his most important team in Dark Crisis: Young Justice because it seems the only important relationships the Batfamily can have is with each other. and when we do see them outside of the Batfamily, it only seems to be to relive the glory days like with World's Finest: Teen Titans, instead of developing them as they currently exist. this isn't recent in the comics, it feels like you can trace it back to the New-52, but it does feel a *lot* worse over the recent years. WFA is fine when it exists in its own bubble, but the simple truth is, DC content never exists on its own. the adaptations will reflect back onto the comics. (the damage the Young Justice cartoon has done to some characters should honestly be studied) and so it does frustrate me a bit when fanon-only or adaptation-only fans act like we're being nothing but killjoys for being frustrated with this. since they don't read the comics, they don't see how the comics are suffering as a result of this.

people argue about what's out of character for the comics they don't even read. i'm sorry, but "bad dad Bruce" is consistently canon. that man is just kind of shitty. when you take someone who has the drive he has, who has this need for the Mission first, who needs a teenager in spandex next to him to keep him off the ledge, that guy is sort of going to be a shitty father figure. he just is. not on purpose or with malice, but when you compare him to any other dad in a big DC family, he sure takes the cake. it's why characters like Oliver Queen tend to *really* fucking hate Bruce for how he treats his kids. Bruce loves fiercely, but he doesn't do well with putting that love first. and his love is a controlling one, he is very particular about controlling how others in the Batfamily are "allowed" to operate. it's what drives the wedge between him and Dick, it's why Steph is never a true daughter to him. (besides the reason of her needing to be a love interest to Tim first, anyway-) i've never understood the massive outcry of people reacting to Bruce kinda being shitty in comics they're not reading. there are some moments that get ridiculously OOC with how cartoonishly evil he is (the whole Gotham War arc and that... complicated mess with Jason) but largely if you want sitcom loving nuclear father Bruce, you have to accept that is a fanon thing, not a canon one. the Batfamily being a nuclear family in *general* is fanon. most of the "Batkids" don't actually see Bruce in a particularly fatherly light and begging for moments where he calls them his kids or they call him dad outside of incredibly specific circumstances is just OOC.

it's getting harder and harder to exist peacefully in this fandom it feels like, if you don't comply to the standard fanon has set. i'm happy people are having fun with their blorbos, even if in ways i dislike, but that "harmless fandom fun" does ripple it's way back to canon, eventually. so i end up pretty tangled with my feelings because are fans at fault for DC making these poor decisions? probably not, but it certainly feels like an unfortunate cause-and-effect situation whether at the end of the day, nobody is happy. and of course, i know some fanon-only fans are striving to be more canon accurate and care about canon dynamics more than others, but for them it's always going to be an uphill battle with the above-mentioned out-of-context panels thrown around and ever-pervasive fanon overtaking anything that's truly seeking to be canon compliant. so really, it sometimes feels like we're all losing.

[muzzlemouths]

not to sound desperate on main but since it's disability pride month it'd be really nice to see some art or fics with disabled Y/Ns.

[jinkieswouldyoulookatthis]

Okay, this, as always, a lot, so I'm going to try my best to reply to the core conversation because if I try to reply to all of this my ADHD is gonna tie me up in knots. I'm also putting this under a cut to help with the overall post length.

If you think that Dean's terrible decision to wipe Lisa and Ben's memories of him, was misogynistic then we are coming at this from really different definitions. Because Dean has a habit of making sweeping, life-altering decisions for other people without taking them or their wishes into account, he overrides or just doesn't consider them <- and this notably includes his brother. This is not based on Lisa being female, Dean just prioritizes his own emotions over other people's everything. If I read this correctly, you said that you were sympathetic to Dean's decision to force Sam to let Gadreel possess him, even though you knew it wasn't going to work out well. But Dean removing himself entirely from Lisa and Ben's lives, wiping all of their memories of him, something that he, right or wrong, felt was the only way to save them from himself and the epic levels of disaster that follow him, was a bridge too far and, somehow, misogynistic? However you're making this distinction does not make sense to me.

Misogyny literally means hatred of women, from the Greek root words misein “to hate” and gyne “woman”. And yeah, I know that root words don't entirely determine current definitions or common usage, but, there is that particular layer to the definition of misogyny that sets it apart from the definition of sexism.

Yes, we are all swimming in an ocean of patriarchy and it really isn't a matter of "all men" for anything, because humans are nuanced and complicated. We also learn and grow, but also, too often, get damaged and hurt along the way. Or decide to "play along" rather than stand up against the shitty things other people say, for a whole host of possible reasons. Anyone is capable of doing something, or thinking something, or saying something that is misogynistic. Just occasionally falling into that doesn't equal "being a misogynist" either. For that label to stick, one would have to have a persistent track record of saying and doing (and thus thinking) misogynistic things, proving that they actually do harbor a hatred or negative view of women in general. There are different levels to all of this nuance that are easier to discuss and to avoid miscommunication, to discuss more effectively, when we utilize words with nuanced differences to their meanings.

Some of what you talked about would definitely fall into the misogyny bucket, yes. But some of it wouldn't, some of it is better defined as sexism, while some of it I'm not even sure has anything to do with gender really at all.

I feel like I need to convey my sympathy for the personal experiences that you shared, I don't want to gloss over or ignore it. While I have never been in exactly that sort of situation, I have had friends say some out of fucking line shit to me. Sometimes we were in a situation where I was able to call them out on it, and so I did. Other times, I let stuff slide because I did not feel safe standing up for myself, or standing up against something awful being lobbed at me. So I do get that. It sucks. What your partner said was, truly, horrifying, at least from where I'm standing, and I can only imagine the effect that would have had and likely still has, to some degree, on you.

I am not saying that all the things that happened in the show and on the set for the show were never inappropriate or never wrong/bad, because people are complex and there are a lot of layers to most everything. And, as I mentioned in my original post, sexism was definitely at play. I still think that the majority of what people call misogyny is actually better defined by the word sexism, and that the overuse of misogyny muddies up the meanings of these words and makes it so that when I say, "That's not misogyny, it's sexism," what people seem to hear is, somehow, that I'm brushing off everything as not problematic.

So, to be clear, something doesn't need to be labeled misogyny to be problematic. Sexism is still very problematic.

And, yes, definitions of words change over time. Hopefully this happens as our understanding of situations evolve. But, what I am seeing in the prevalence of the preferred, nearly exclusive, use of "misogyny," with nary a use of the word "sexism" to be seen, is that we are actually losing important nuance. You and everyone else, are free to use whatever word you think best fits, of course. But I'm probably going to be sitting over here thinking that this whole conversation would be clearer and much more effective if we kept both words in play.

Cool, since the OP made the post non-reblogable, I'm just going to put this here...

Again, not saying it's not sexist. I actually literally said it was (as can be seen in this handy dandy highlighted screenshot of my post they were responding to. It's just not misogynistic. OP seems to have completely missed that distinction. Oh no, wait, they didn't miss it they commented on it in their tags...

Yeah, the terms have been being muddied up for a long while, but if no one ever pushes back on that, then we will lose the distinction and any hope of having an educated or nuanced conversation might as well be flung out the window. Ffs. Yes, word usage changes, and evolves, but not all changes or evolutions are good things.

Sam and Dean have sexist baggage. Dean more than Sam. And that is because Kripke and the writers and producers and directors and just a lot of people in general, have sexist baggage. So call it sexist. I mean, why the insistence on specifically using the word with the worse layers of meaning, when those worse layers don't actually seem to apply???

Obviously, this isn't just this one person, so many people do this. And I'm not picking on this one person, which is why I'm not tagging them and really don't care if they see this or not. I'm griping simply from my own frustration at how willfully reductive people in general are.