#but i think overall i've written something every day so i'm pretty pleased with that

[sparky-is-spiders]

Jonelias Week Day 1 (Which is definitely today I swear), for the prompt "No Powers AU"

This one... maybe got away from me. This is actually only the first half of what I've written so far, and probably the first third overall! I do plan to post this to Ao3 at some point (although I suspect I'll need to do a lengthy round of editing first lmao). It's some very self-indulgent nonsense, which is a lot of what I write, but now it's getting put in the main tags of a ship during said ship's event week. So. It may also be a little bit "aromantic dude tries to figure out what having a crush is supposed to be like." Also a lot of "dude who took Principals of Accounting once pretending it knows what office work is like." Anyway, quick warning before we begin, and the rest will be under the read-more:

Stalking (played for laughs) for most of the fic.

Just. A weird amount of obsession.

Ok that should be it I think. Fic under the cut.

Jon's new boss was, quite possibly, the most boring man in the world. He wore the same outfit every day (pale dress shirt with dark unpatterned tie and gray slacks and matching suit jacket). The only personal effect in his entire office was a potted plant on the windowsill (some sort of succulent, and definitely fake). He always arrived to work exactly half an hour early and left exactly half an hour late. The only hobby he appeared to show any interest in was scheduling, which he seemed to find both deeply engaging and remarkably irritating. In fact, he was apparently so opposed to the idea of mixing his work with his personal life that he might as well not have existed beyond the walls of their office. Jon had never been more fascinated by anyone else in his entire life.

It stared with the transfer to the accounting department. Elias had met with him personally to get him acclimated to his new role. He had been blandly polite, and blandly handsome, and Jon had stopped listening to him about five minutes into their conversation. It was probably bad form, really. The software Elias was droning on and on about sounded like it was about to become a central feature of his days. He really should've been paying attention to it. Instead, he pretended to make eye contact while zeroing in on the top of Bouchard's forehead (a very useful trick, really) and became inordinately focused on the small lock of hair that had fallen across it. It was terribly distracting, and Jon had wondered how he hadn't noticed it. And then he wondered how it had come to be there. And then he had built up an entire story involving a murder, an illicit affair with the assistant director of marketing, and the potted succulent. And then he had noticed Bouchard eying him with what could've been suspicion or amusement or irritation or nothing whatsoever, and had been forced to rapidly pretend to care about their company's bad debt expense policy. Bouchard had indulged him, and had spoken with the calm authority of someone who knew what they were talking about, and had even managed to avoid being overtly condescending (a feat forever out of Jon's reach). At the end he had shaken Jon's hand (with a nice, firm grip), and had told him "I'm looking forward to working with you, I'm sure you'll make a wonderful member of our team." Jon had left that meeting with a mind shrouded in a fog of boredom and a faint sensation of warmth which he decided was best attributed to curiosity and left otherwise unexamined. Over the next few weeks, Jon had tried to subtly inquire into Bouchard's life. At the time, he had been naively under the impression that surely he must have let slip something about his life; some odd quirk or funny story or harmless bit of information which could justify Jon's blooming curiosity. Unfortunately; "He lives in Chelsea, I'm pretty sure?" (Sasha) "He's currently in a meeting. Honestly Jon, you'll be better off just sending an email. Now can I please get back to work?" (Rosie, probably lying about the meeting) "He actually lives here in the office. Set up a cozy little home away from home in one of the storage closets and sneaks out at night to raid the canteen. And he's having an affair with the assistant director of marketing." (Tim, definitely lying (but maybe a mind reader? Also, full of brilliant ideas for places Jon could maybe set up a cot whenever he needs to stay overnight)) Clearly, Jon would have to take matters into his own hands if he wanted answers. That was fine. It could be his own private little research project.

Jon liked to think that the entire thing had actually been quite reasonable, and that he had acted within the bounds of their pre-established relationship as employee and supervisor. Surely any rational person had to realize that nobody could possibly be that uninteresting. Anyone would be curious as to what dark secrets Bouchard his behind his well-tailored suits and polite, professional demeanor. … perhaps most rational persons would not meticulously record the movements, behavior, and daily appearance of their colleague in a discreet notebook (with annotations, color-coding, and graphs where appropriate), but Jon had always prided himself on his dedication to research and understanding. So far Jon had collected frustratingly little data. If Bouchard was hiding anything, it wasn't apparent from his schedule (see pages 8-13, figure 2.b), his eating habits (see page 22), or his lone plant (see page five, figure 1.c). His breaks did seem specially timed to avoid other people (and he appeared not to engage in many social behaviors generally), but he never acted irritated or otherwise unhappy to encounter one of his subordinates, so Jon wasn't entirely sure if it was deliberate avoidance or simple coincidence. Really, the only truly odd thing about him was his inexplicable interest in Jon. That very morning, for example, Bouchard had stopped by his cubicle for a fifteen minute discussion on the upcoming Annual Team Luncheon, an event Jon had never attended before (due to an annual migraine which coincidentally always happened to occur on the exact date of the luncheon), which Jon did not plan to attend, and which honestly sounded like some sort of violation of the Geneva Convention. The topic itself was not especially odd (small talk was an archaic tradition which had stubbornly clung on in every workplace Jon had ever set foot in), but Bouchard's low propensity for inter-office socialization combined with the fact that he had both chosen Jon specifically as his conversational partner was… highly suspicious. Most people who encountered Jon inevitably concluded that he was more effort than he was worth (an attitude Jon mostly appreciated).

And of course, there had also been their interaction two days ago, when Elias had paused briefly to inquire as to whether Jon would be staying late, and what he was working on, and if he might perhaps consider heading home soon because there was only so much overtime they could pay him. Or on Friday, when he had managed to hold two separate conversations with Jon where very little was said. Honestly, Jon somewhat suspected that Elias had spoken to him more in the past few weeks than he had spoken to any of their colleagues for the entire time Jon had been there to observe him. Most of Jon's notes were now dedicated to their interactions. From his cot in the unused storage room (which was indeed a good place to stay overnight, thank you Tim), he could jot down everything he recalled about their interaction; it had begun at 8:32 and had concluded at 8:47; the weather was warm and slightly humid, although the office interior remained at a comfortable 21 °C. Bouchard's shirt had been a nice, cool gray, which complemented the silver of his eyes. Jon (who had been busy digging for his favorite pen (the ink was a lovely deep green color, and it was usually kept on the left side of the top desk drawer, and Jon had no idea where else it could have possibly gone)) had settled on "irritation" as his tone, which Bouchard either had not noticed or had not cared enough to acknowledge. He had easily dominated the conversation, and Jon could admit in the sanctity of his research journal that his voice had been soothing enough to cool away some of Jon's annoyance. He wrote his conclusion: Subject behaved near-identically in tone, posture, body language, and apparent mood as he has in all previous communications. Subject displayed no strong thoughts or opinions on subject of discussion nor conversational partner. Interaction was pleasant but slightly dull, no new information discovered. It was almost exactly the same as every previous conclusion. Jon had to admit, so many months with so little progress was… discouraging. He shifted on the narrow mattress and winced when his movements aggravated his backache (which was surely unrelated to his frequent occupancy of the cot). It was becoming more and more apparent that the only possible solution was to do some actual, direct investigation. His first idea (break into Bouchard's office) seemed a tad far (also, he didn't know how to pick locks). His second idea (follow him home) seemed a stretch further than the previous one, and was perhaps best saved as a last resort. His third idea (something something computers? (perhaps "idea" was a bit generous)) would almost certainly require Sasha, who would have questions Jon couldn't answer. He flipped idly through his notes, half-skimming, half-thinking. It was only when his gaze landed on figure 2.b, Weekly Schedule of E. Bouchard, that he actually came up with something reasonable. Something actionable.

[iwriteasfotini]

A Bit Annoying

A Subtextual Rosekiller Excerpt

I don't know why exactly but Rosekiller is turning into THAT SHIP. Everything I post about them gets notes faster than the other ships. Maybe there is just less content out there? IDK, They weren't in my original story plan, but they are there now. And I was drawn to them because I love digging into the backstory of the "bad guys."

A lot of their scenes aren't spoilers to the overall plot of my story. So since they are the hot topic, and because I'm dying to share more writing, I'm going to comb everything I've written so far and share snippets of them with you all. I hope you enjoy these weirdos!

Here's a little subtextual Rosekiller scene from The Heart of the Lion, Regulus' POV and in his third year, as is Barty. Evan is a fifth year.

...

Evan was magically summoning all the golf balls back into the leather bag and Regulus made to leave the pitch. But Evan called after him. 

“Hey, hold up Black.”

Regulus paused and turned back. Evan was now levitating the chest and the bag in front of him, he was heading towards the broom shed, so Regulus fell in step with him. 

“I wanted to talk to you about something else.”

“Ok.”

“This is Slytherin to Slytherin,” Evan looked a bit nervous. “Barty says -”

“Yes, please do tell me what Barty is saying about me behind my back.”

“That you can’t be trusted.” Evan closed the door of the broom shed and locked it with a key. He fixed Regulus with an even stare.

Regulus didn’t betray a sign of relief or anger. He nodded curtly. “What do you think?”

“I think your family history is way more robust than Barty’s and he’s jealous.”

“Barty is an immature fussy child who throws a tantrum when he doesn’t get what he wants and then blames other people for his failure.”

Evan nodded, “I agree. You know, his home life is pretty terrible. His dad ignores him, acts like he doesn’t exist, and his mother isn’t all there mentally. They have full time live in help to tend to her. Barty basically raised himself.”

Welcome to the club, Regulus thought. But no, Sirius had raised Regulus, and at the time, Sirius had been all Regulus needed. He had been the steady mast in a turbulent sea.

“Then what he needs are true friends,” said Regulus. “When you are isolated like that, your friends can be your saving grace. People need someone to love them.”

If Regulus didn’t have Severus and Lily he didn’t know what he would be turning into right now. Likely someone who harbored a lot more bitter resentment and anger. Having his two friends made all the difference in the world. They were a team, for now, while at Hogwarts. 

Regulus wondered if Barty had a single close friend. He was an only child, as so many purebloods were, no wonder the bloodlines were dying off. And for the first time Regulus felt empathy for Barty’s plight. Last year, Regulus had told Barty how idiotic it was to act alone. But Regulus didn’t have to live life alone every day. And when he was isolated, he saw how much harder life could be. 

“I know Barty is sort of annoying,” said Regulus. “But I think if you can try and really be friends with him, he might feel better about himself. It certainly wouldn’t hurt him. Just keep him in check, yeah?”

Evan seemed to be contemplating this. 

For good measure, Regulus added, “look at it as a social experiment, what do you have to lose?”

 “I don’t see you rushing off to befriend him, and he’s in your year.”

“He doesn’t want to be friends with me, he wants to be friends with you and your mates.”

They had walked slowly, even so, they were now at the base of the castle steps. 

“Thanks… for not getting defensive.” Evan gave him a long look. He was quite a bit taller than Regulus and he had actually started filling out, looking closer to a man than a boy. “I don’t care what Barty says, you are always welcome with us. And maybe you’re right, maybe Barty will come round if he doesn’t feel like it’s him against the world all the time.”

Regulus didn’t respond, he knew only too well what it felt like to be small and scared and feel like the whole world was against you. But he’d always had a hand to hold, he had never stood alone. 

“Well, I’ll see you Saturday afternoon yeah?” said Evan after an awkward silence. 

“Yes, and Rosier, I think you’ll make a solid team captain,” said Regulus. 

Evan’s cheeks went a bit pink. “Thanks.” 

With a slight wave, Evan headed up the stairs. Regulus waited a few moments, then followed.

...

You can find out more about this series in my pinned post.

[kyouka-supremacy]

Dazai?

Eheh Dazai

Favorite thing about them: I really like how as a character he was able to deeply touch so many people!! Seeing so many people finding relief in being able to relate to and emphasize with the character makes me happy.

Least favorite thing about them: I mean, his personality? I don't like how his many flaws are written to be interpreted as strong points / good traits for his character to the point no flaw is actually a flaw, it makes the reading experience very frustrating for me.

Favorite line:

brOTP: Mmmmhh, I don't spend a lot of time thinking about Dazai. Soukoku, probably. The Buraiha trio makes me emotional a little. Souheki, but in a very passive-aggressive, over-competitive, one-sided rivality, can't-stand-each-other way. Dazai and Kyouka. Dazai and Atsushi too I suppose, though I prefer them romantically. I think he makes for a lot of interesting dynamics with virtually all the characters, but none compells me in particular tbh.

OTP: Odazai is plain canon to me, idk what to tell you. I think they make for a beautiful, tragic love story. Get you a man who is willing to change the path of his whole life for another man just like that, nobody does it like them (actually, wait, I can think of another man... ). Although I always distantly liked them, dazatsu has grown on me like, an INSANE amount in the last few months. I'm not sure what happened. I think it was an unfortunate (lol) coincidence of growing a little fonder of Dazai and just wanting to give more space and agenda to Atsushi. Like to me a lot of what dazatsu is really is about giving Atsushi more agency and autonomy and independence and overall just respecting him as a complex, full fleshed out character. I don't see ANY kind of power imbalance in it I keep finding people talk about. Dazai pushes Atsushi to be better every day, and Atsushi does exactly the same for Dazai. Atsushi admires and respects Dazai, and Dazai admires and respects Atsushi equally. I really don't know why the ship isn't more popular and instead just gets discarded most of the time tbh. I feel like everyone should sit down a second and actually give Atsushi the dignity to choose for himself. And fyozai!!! The investment in this ship mostly goes on waves for me but despite that I firmly believe that they really make for an engaging and interesting dynamic to be interpreted romantically. The epitome of “You're both just enabling each other's mental illnesses. You're both perfect for each other. Never change. Just never involve anybody else in what you've got going on.”

nOTP: Nothing comes to my mind.

Random headcanon: Not canon related, but in modern aus I feel like he'd be one to always end up working at ceo roles and he would HATE it. He fires himself and starts working at some cheap frozen yogurt place and one month later he'll find himself as the ceo of the most important oil company of the country AGAIN without him even realizing it / despite his active efforts to avoid that. And he HATES IT. He fires himself again but the loop only repeats forever. He's just that kind of person for whom all doors open automatically.

Unpopular opinion: ............ I could be here forever. I regretfully fail to relate to a lot of characterization / readings of the character I've seen the fandom give him. I really don't want to dwell on this so I'll just mention something mostly unrelated to his characterization: I wholly can't share the take of him being physically built like??? At all??? Which got REALLY popular a few months ago. Dude feels like he never lifted a finger his whole life, I really don't know where the idea comes from???? And I personally don't take his manga visual portrayal as a telling factor for this; pretty much all the characters have the same body type, it's impossible for me to base the buff Dazai assumption on how he's drawn in the manga. Just one thing about his chracter though stop making him matchmaker for ss/kk he really isn't stop don't do it please

Song i associate with them: HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE associating him with my favourite vocaloid song ever but. Meltdown by iroha is a very Dazai song. So many other songs though... Parade of Liars by ryo. Abstract Nonsense by Neru. God-ish by Pinocchio-P. So on and so forth.

Favorite picture of them:

Favourite panel from the manga:

Favourite illustration:

Favourite illustration in the anime art style:

Favourite Mayoi card:

Send me a character?

[reflectionsofthesea]

Hiii I’m back! It's been a pretty stressful and busy time at work, so I'm less online than usual, but still learning finnish daily! It's actually being my saving grace: getting to detach myself from work,routine and stress and just putting my head into something completely different that I enjoy doing. Putting a read more because I wrote a lot here:

I've been progressing with my exercise book, and learned how to express the need to do something 'i have to...' and also the imperative tense. Really useful stuff. I also finally finished trascribing all puhekieli 'basic rules' on my notebook!

Some new stuff in my daily learning routine:

I started listening to podcasts and short stories! I was a bit intimidated at first, but now I've been enjoying doing it every day when I am cooking, cleaning the house or even when drawing/working. I'm listening to a beginner's podcast and can basically understand a good 80% of it, which is making me feel so proud and motivated hahaha. The crazy thing is that even if I don't understand a couple of new words, I can follow the conversation and the topic and I always know what the host is talking about, it's crazy. I'll definitely continue listening to podcasts and stories daily because I think it's helping A LOT and truly making me feel like I'm making huge progress and my brain is enlarging lol.

I started using LingQ! The importing videos/podcasts feature is super useful, and I imported some videos in finnish from youtubers I found and having LingQ generate subtitles in finnish for me and translation in english, so I can study them is so useful. That way I can exercise listening to more puhekieli and expand my vocabulary. It helps that the videos are super fun and entertaining themselves, so I genuinely want to know what's happening hahaha. (one was a Sims4 house building video, another one a travelling vlog)

I tried writing some 'stories' for the first time, this is also an advice I heard from a video, that helps with getting your brain used to constructing sentences and phrases. I already did this in a smaller way, writing very short sentences practicing different grammar rules to commit them to memory, but this exercise really makes you put more effort into building longer and slightly more articulated sentences, like phrases you'd say to someone when having a chat, or thinking out loud. I decided to pick some random themes and just write what I can about them! The pink underlined words/verbs/adverbs are things I had to look up because I didn't know how to say yet. I think this is a pretty fun and creative exercise to do though, and I can see how it can make your brain faster at producing sentences on the long run :) It will be fun to keep doing this when my vocabulary grows and I can say more stuff! (I saw a writing exercise idea on tumblr that was describing your Dnd characters and something about their personality/stories, and I really want to do that!)

Overall, I'm feeling really good and motivated. I remember feeling a bit stuck a month ago, and now that feeling is gone, and I feel like I improved a lot. I really think implementing new exercises like the written stories exercise and especially listening a lot has been so useful and important into me feeling like I'm growing more in this language. I'm really glad I fought my inner doubt and saboteur and just did it. I also gander at posts written in finnish here on tumblr and realized I understand a good 70/80% of what's written in there. Sometimes more or less, depending on how long the post is or how specific the words used are. But that's pretty crazy to me and really satisfying!

Also, if you need some inspiration for your language learning journey or some good tips (like the listening to podcasts and writing stories I'm currently doing), please watch this video! It really inspired me to keep going in my journey :)

[taegularities]

rid, my lovie !! my sweets !!

🚨 : ( rant incoming )

some of these recent asks have been making me want to start throwing gang signs or sum 💀 i know there are always gonna be some of these asks given the vast audience you have, and that they are just drowning in anticipation.

however, the undertone? 😭 do these people realize that you are a prolific writer, churning out quality contents faster than locusts can reproduce and infest? 🤨 RELATIVELY SPOKEN !!

good contents take time to plan, produce and publish !!

REMEMBER THE TRIPLE P. for an author who doesn't even ask you to pay, and responds with kindness only.

so, let's learn and practice more kindness and respectfulness here. thank you. ( sorry, if i sound like a teacher's pet, but rid is just too good to us )

anyway, we are nonetheless excited for your next releases, and 'entertainer' even after all this time.

( rant end )

꒰ ❛ ❜ personal lil message ꒱ ‎

rid, am so sorry for not getting back to your last 'ruined' response. i thought you hadn't answered it yet !! and are you kidding me? a!oc is my babiest baby !! of course, i adore her a lot. i remember somebody saying she is like a 'sunny weekend after a wet weather' or something, but bit more condescending— made me wanna throw some gang signs again, tafaq 😫 had to overcompensate with my repeated 'ruin you' asks, but i promise i equally read and enjoy your other stories. even sent asks about them before ( just not in my 🎀🖇🩵 style, haha ) and i'm thankful for each of the sweet responses from you : every. single. time!!

oh, by the way, i came across this pin today : https://pin.it/2rY2xnZtj

kinda ruined!tae on wedding night coded? 'i missed this' x 'it's only been two days' x 'and? i miss you all the damn time' ❤️‍🔥 can i please just ask what's the duo's moodboard like? ik they are a v monetesque, pastoral, serene and the whole artists garden at giverny + the water lily pond + beach at saint adresse!based couple.

but if possible i still wanna see them more from your artistic mind, my love. thank you. xo.

last but not least, must i mention how proud i am of you bc of the whole gaza take and activism on this platform? 🍉 it might be a bare minimum for a reality so cruel, but it matters. thank you for using your resources, and for saying how you listen to certain artists less bc of their lack of voice on this issue. every act matters. let's stay strong and

—take care. 🎀🖇🩵

gang signs omg lol 😭 honestly, i'm so thankful for the audience and the excitement everybody brings! the tone was a little off, but as i said, i'm pretty sure they didn't mean it that way, so i'm like, not mad or anything hehe. i hope they enjoyed entertainer!! it's true, though, that i've been a bit slow this year, but we try our best in this corner of our world. but thank you so much for saying that 😭 i'm flattered you appreciate my existence here and are so kind <3

it's okay, love, no reason to apologise. a!oc was everyone's baby, like she's still one of my favourite ocs i've written!! it's beyond crazy that people still remember her and this story overall. lmao yeah someone said she feels like a wet weekend after a sunny vacation or something idk it was way out of line, but what can we do.. i laughed 🤣 THANK YOUUUU for dropping by, whether with your signed asks or in any other way ily ily!!!

plsss on their wedding night?

more like always 😂 but so true. their mood boarddd hmmm, wait i'll go and make one rq brb *5 minutes later* i'd say that's them 🥺 def some monet, rain and autumn vibes

and ofc!! i think i could do even more and share even more. every thought counts. i can't even remember saying i listen to artists less, but it's 100% true, and i also try to avoid big chains such as starbucks, which i think we all should. take care as well, love 🤍

[voxofthevoid]

Hello! First, let me just — hold your hands. See, you don't need to sit on them to not ramble. I'll always welcome authors' ramblings, in fact, I crave them like a man possessed, starved. So, please don't be cruel and deny a poor soul your ramblings. With that said...

I feel as if you opened a door inside my brain when you said Gojou is holding his own leash in "every version of the story". From the snippets you've posted about the story before, I feel as if Gojou wants Yuuji to hold it, and he's desperate for that sunshine boy to do it. Sure, he's canonically very dominant, very imposing, very against people telling him what to do, but even still... Well, I think he craves just giving up some control, especially to someone he knows won't "misuse" it, even though I think he wouldn't mind if, say, Yuuji did it. An ex. of that was when he was younger and Getou was practically his moral compass.

It's sort of ironic in "every version of the story" because Gojou needs to practically tire Yuuji out by any means necessary (cough sex, isolation, questionable life experiences, etc. cough) just so he can shove said leash on Yuuji's hands so they can become "equals". After all, to have some degree of influence on the strongest is power in itself, even if the other person doesn't realise it yet. It also makes for such a compelling dynamic, which he only got glimpses of in canon.

I guess I'm the one rambling now, huh? Anyways, I just want to congratulate you on your characterization of Gojou. It's exactly on point — a delicious sort of pathetic, obsessive, sadomasochistic and unhinged —, and one of my favourites across all the Goyuu verse.

Hope you have a good weekend. <3

Ah, if you're holding my hands, then I suppose I have no choice but to type away.

Ah well!

First things first, anon, you should know that I read "From the snippets you've posted about the story before, I feel as if Gojou wants Yuuji to hold it" and went You—You Get It.

The Gojou/leash thing (in the sense of how he's the only one holding it as well as how he might want someone else to) is something that now informs my approach to him in general, though the specifics vary depending on whether I'm writing teen!Gojou, post-Toji!Gojou, or adult!Gojou. And while Gojou's strength in terms of his self-control was something I was interested in from the start, every version of the story fundamentally altered my take on the whole thing.

Characterization breakthrough: Horror edition.

(Okay, everything I've written after it has been pretty tame on the Gojou end, but you should see some of my unwritten ideas...)

Back to the point, you're right! Gojou wanting very badly for someone—someone he has the luxury of trusting with himself—to hold that leash is a pervasive undercurrent in every version of the story. He wants an equal, and Yuuji's one of the people he identified as having the potential to be one; these are canon. And I've already rambled a lot about how one of the most appealing parts of Gojou's and Yuuji's dynamics is how they humanize each other from the beginning to the end. Combine the power aspects from the former with the emotional attachment engendered by the latter, and you get a scenario rich with potential for some wildly shifting power dynamics.

You've already seen glimpses of it in the WIP Wednesday snippets, and the full fic has a lot more it. A good percentage of the storytelling happens during and through the sex, and it's a zigzagging road overall. Where we start is starkly different from where it ends, and the path there isn't kind or pretty, but I hope to god that it's interesting.

Also, I can't tell you how delighted I am by you liking Gojou's characterization in that fic, especially because "pathetic, obsessive, sadomasochistic and unhinged" encapsulate everything I was aiming for. Thank you so much 💗

And feel free to ramble in my inbox anytime; your thoughts are *chef's kiss*

Have a good day!

[saltysciencesixer]

I haven't written anything here yet, but I should probably mention my activity is going to be slow to non-existent here. My younger brother died on September 28th. He was only 35. I'm grieving. I'm often struck by flashes of pain when I think of how I will no longer see him on this Earth.

In recent times, I've tried to avoid talking about personal matters, and keep this a just-for-fun RP blog. But my brother's death has brought to memory something very important. You see, I'm a Christian (who does not believe in harassing the LGBTQ+ community and thinks LGBTQ+ identifying people should be welcomed in Christian communities - and it's sad that Christian communities in their current state have forced me to add that disclaimer), and I firmly believe that my brother, also a believer, went to Heaven. It has brought me immense comfort in this trying time even though I still feel the pain of his loss and miss him.

But I worry about other people not going to heaven. I worry about the people I've RPed with or laughed at their posts. I won't pressure or force the issue. I know I can't force the issue. I know Jesus wouldn't want that. It's even said in the Bible that the Gospel (The Good News - that Jesus died for every bad thing we have said, thought, or done or our inaction causing bad things to occur, rose from the grave after three days, and will forgive us of all those bad things if we just ask and put our faith in him) should be presented with all gentleness and respect. I think Jesus would welcome anyone regardless of race, orientation, gender identity, etc. He really does love us all.

I know a lot of people think being a "good person" is enough. But no one is truly good. There's a secular, non-religious, and rather comedic show called "The Good Place" that actually breaks down rather well why being "a morally good person" overall is pretty much impossible - it uses a lot of philosophical concepts.

I also think that Jesus as a Savior necessarily implies that there is something He's saving us from. Hell. I know God is real and loving, and I don't have all the answers. Is Hell eternal punishment? I don't know. Possibly. But the Bible also says that only believers in Jesus will be granted eternal life. So maybe Hell is just punishment and death (the translation does seem tricky in parts). I don't know. I only know I don't want people going there.

I just really needed to put this out there. I'm not trying to scare or hurt anyone. I just felt legitimately concerned because my brother's death reminded me that one day, we'll all die, and because of my beliefs, I have a strong desire to see all my friends go to heaven (and my acquaintances - and strangers, too - I really don't want anyone to go to hell). It's okay if I didn't convince you. I hope we can still be friends.

If you have any questions or thoughts you want to share, please field them to an account I'll be using to write or reblog on matters pertaining to my faith.

@onethousandwords

[recurring-polynya]

Writing Update/Art Update 5/9/2023

Many things happened last week. Not very many of them were drawing. I'll get back to that.

I have finally started posting the big (it's not really big. Medium-big. It just felt big) fanfic that I have working on for most of the year. You can start here if you want to read it, Chapters 1-3 are currently available.

I finished the smut. I had mostly finished it by Friday, but then we had a belated-because-we-were-waiting-for-spring-weather backyard birthday party for my daughter this past weekend, so I had to spend a solid 48 hours in the paralyzing deathgrip of anxiety at the prospect of socializing with people I don't know (the parents of some of my daughter's classmates), so I didn't get much of anything else done, although I did clean my house and buy a bunch of hot dogs.

I only got one doodle done this week, which took me three days, spread out over the anxiety deathgrip, but I'm pretty pleased with how it came out. I really would like to start on a more serious project this week, but I may get back to them, we'll see how it goes. I do want to thank everyone who sent in prompts, and I'm sorry I haven't gotten to more of them. Turns out I'm real bad at doing quick, fast-turnaround doodles! Is anyone surprised??

After that, like, I said, I finished up the porno. I was hoping to post it yesterday, but it was pretty late at night by the time I finished my editing sweep. Today was a go places posting day and I didn't really want to post two different fanfics in one day, plus I had made kind of a lot of edits, so I figured it wouldn't hurt to let it sit a day and then do another sweep before posting. In other words, tomorrow, probably.

This morning, I re-read what I've gotten written so far of Ductwork, which is the working title of the next story in the Heart is a Muscle. It's 7707 words at the moment, and I get hot mad every time I read it because I want there to be more of it, and unfortunately, there is only one way to make that happen. But it's gonna!! I keep telling myself that it was really worthwhile to have taken the time to write go places first, because Ductwork is largely about Rukia and Renji finally digging down into a lot of festering insecurities from that time in their afterlives. I have a couple different approaches to writing these days, and I'm gonna try to do the thing that ended up working for go places, which is 1) try to write something every day, 2) chronological schmonological, write whatever I can possibily come up with, I'll just cram it all together at the end, this was very fun and easy last time and definitely did not take six drafts and a color-coded spreadsheet. Based on past experience, I do not think I am going to be able to power through to completion, so my goal is to add at least 20k words to the thing before I flame out in a blaze of beautiful depression and spend the rest of the summer on something insane, like bringing back the Soul Society Tattoo Artist AU. My overall prediction is that it will be around 60k, but I'm not discounting the possibility that it could be another 100k-er. (it better not go over 120k tho, I will die for real)

Anyway, that was my week! Whew!

[firstmatedville]

20 questions for fic writers

tagged by my wife @dxppercxdxver (although I really don't consider myself a fic writer these days lmao)

1. how many works do you have on ao3?

5 (and 2 orphaned)

2. what’s your total ao3 word count?

22,856

3. what fandoms do you write for?

considering I have at maximum 2 fics per fandom. you could say none! although my most popular fics were broadchurch and good omens

4. what are your top 5 fics by kudos?

the first is an orphaned batman/joker fic (does anyone remember that era of this blog? I'm so sorry lmao)

she - broadchurch

i love to live so pleasantly (lazing on a sunny afternoon) - good omens

Blueberry - IT (2017) (an incredibly cringe fic I wrote as a teenager for the love of god please don't read this)

i just want to be held (by your cold hands) - broadchurch

5. do you respond to comments? why or why not?

occasionally! if there's something that like. needs a response I do try to give them but otherwise I am very bad at getting back to comments. I do read and appreciate them all though!

6. what is the fic you wrote with the angstiest ending?

it's the IT one tagged above lmao due to the like. 15/16 year old me projecting. I'm not very good at writing angst!

7. what’s the fic you wrote with the happiest ending?

probably either of the broadchurch fics due to. trans joy and also gay domesticity

8. do you get hate on fics?

not actively? during my batman/b*tjokes years (bearing in mind I was about 14) I used to get occasional hate on tumblr due to trans/gay headcanons but that wasn't necessarily fic related. I also once had a pretty big b*tjokes writer comment on an old fic (like three or four years after I'd written it, when I was no longer In The Fandom) claiming I'd stolen their ideas and needed to either remove my work or credit them despite. only having read a few of their works very briefly. the work of mine in Question being a prompt fill. and me just following a lot of the trends of the fandom at the time? like sorry you don't actually have a trademark on hurt/comfort sick fics buddy it's a Fairly Popular Concept. anyway yeah that's about it.

9. do you write smut? if so, what kind?

nope <3 I've never tried and frankly I don't think I'd be very good at getting any ideas I have Across in a way that reads as sexy or hot enough to warrant actually writing it lmao

10. do you write crossovers? what’s the craziest one you’ve written?

I don't think I've fully written or published any crossovers, however! every character I've ever liked has been thrown into a killjoys au in my brain at one point or another (including but not limited to: the scooby doo gang, the penumbra pod gang, the eos 10 gang, Cecil and Carlos wtnv, ect). myself and jon plotted a whole magnus archives/mst3k au that I Wish one of us had written, and another mst3k/the mechanisms au that started as a joke and become so insanely important to us it sincerely helped us get together as a couple. we also had an overall eos10/penumbra podcast crossover that I personally never wrote anything for but I think jon Started some unpublished fics that never got finished.

11. have you ever had a fic stolen?

not as far as I know!

12. have you ever had a fic translated?

again, i dont beliebe so, but people are more than welcome to do so as long as im credited ofc

13. have you ever co-written a fic before?

I class at least the first of my broadchurch fics as partially co-written with Jon bc he was a Huge Help in that fic getting written, and as you might be able to tell from above we've Plotted a lot of fic ideas together (another includes a very goofy villain-decay bill cipher gravity falls fic) but basically none of them ever actually get written

14. what’s your all time favourite ship?

argh I can't choose one all time favourite. jonmartin themagnusarchives are insanely dear and important to me, jongerry / jonmartingerry are closely behind that. poly scooby doo gang. vince/howard from the mighty boosh. these are all just sentimental ships if I'm honest. also I became ridiculously attached to mine and Jon's crackship of jonny d'ville themechanisms / Mike mst3k

15. what’s a wip you want to finish but doubt you ever will?

honestly I'm kind of past the point of hoping to get back into writing due to. complete lack of willpower. but I wish I'd gotten round to writing the third trans Hardy fic I had planned at one point </3

16. what are your writing strengths?

idk!! I think I'm good at capturing like. very specific moments of domesticity and comfort. and I think when I'm imagining A Scene I'm quite good at getting the vibes of that scene across. but other than that I'm really not sure

17. what are your writing weaknesses?

oh god uhh. actually writing. linking scenes together. Plot other than just vague "here's two characters hanging out and existing". the list goes on

18. thoughts on writing dialogue in another language in fic?

I don't think I've actually attempted it myself? due to most characters I've written have been. incredibly British. I will say a pet peeve of mine in Reading a fic is when it is a fic in 99% English that'll have a large chunk of dialogue in another language, without a translation available somewhere for it. like a word or two is fine but if there's some actual plot in there and you're expecting me to Google translate it, that feels kind of the same as when subtitles simply say (speaking french) or whatever instead of Telling Us What They're Saying

19. first fandom you wrote for?

embarrassingly and horrifically. h*rry p*tter (I was 11)

20. favourite fic you’ve written?

it has to be she simply due to the Amount of trans love and support I got to hear about in the comments of that fic :,)

I'm not tagging anyone bc to be completely honest I don't remember which of my mutaks actively write <3

[autistic-autumn]

Music Ramblings #1

Decided to start doing these every now and again. Will tag all posts with music I've found and my thoughts on it with '#Autumn's Music Ramblings'. My inbox is always open if you want to send music in and I love people doing that. Will sort out exactly what's happening later but for now I just have this. If you want to send me music then feel free. Always like people sending in whatever. I'll probably respond to ask and then later give more rambling though. If you want me to give you music then you can also ask and I can find you something. I mostly just like rambling about music a lot.

Capital Punishment by Abuse Ken This one was suggested by @aroace-poly-show (sorry marlo for ping, didn't get chance to respond earlier when you shared). This isn't a style I tend to listen to very often but was very cool. The way the piece constantly plays with shifting the rhythm in the sections is very cool and gives a lot of drive between sections. I quite like how the chorus is effectively just pedaling the high G while shifting chords underneath. The leaps here are nice. Makes for a very strong sound compared to the more melodic verses. Do enjoy a nice modulation during final chorus. Overall very cool piece and will likely continue to listen to in future. Used to listen to a fair bit more vocaloid but never got that far into finding new stuff.

Samuel Barber, Adagio for Strings, Op. 11 This is honestly one of the best pieces I've found recently. It's so sublime and beautiful. I personally prefer the 1960 version Barber wrote for choir. Something about closely set voices that is particularly pleasing. It's just a little softer and smoother than the string. I'm pretty sure there's some psychological reason why critical bandwidth doesn't really apply so much to human voices. I've been listening to this almost on loop recently. Was particularly nice while walking in the rain yesterday while it was a bit dark and kind of cold. Hearing this live in a venue like a church with all that resonance would be incredible and I hope to be able to see a performance one day.

Samuel Barber, Toccata Festiva, Op. 36 Been on a bit of a Samuel Barber roll recently and just picked a bunch of his stuff out of the library. Did not realize this one was an organ concertina really. Very exciting and organs are such cool instruments that really don't have enough soloist + orchestra repertoire. I actually posted a video of this one after listening to it with just the organ pedal cadenza because that thing is wild to watch someone play. You never really know what you're getting with Samuel Barber and this was certainly a fun and dynamic piece.

Tchaikovsky Symphony No.4 in F minor, Op. 36 Generally a very nice symphony but that's sort of expected with Tchaikovsky. A bit frilly at times but that is also just how Tchaikovsky is. Not much really stood out to me as particularly notable in this but was generally nice enough. The third movement however is extremely cool and the high speed pizz reminds me a lot of the second movement from the Ravel string quartet. Certainly a lot of a fun with that movement and was quite interesting. Not my favourite Tchaikovsky symphony but nice enough.

Gustav Holst Op.3 Quintet in A minor This is quite a nice short set of four movement for Oboe, Clarinet, Horn, Bassoon and Piano. I do like wind ensembles particularly so this was nice. It's from Holst's student years and never got performed till after his death in 1989. Likely written around the turn of the century. Does sound like a late romantic piece rather than the later Holst works. I personally thing the first and second movements are the best. The first has some very nice melodies and is smooth and elegant. The second movement is highly paced and neat but nothing hugely notable I don't think. Third movement is pretty interesting and the B section is particularly pleasing, although doesn't last very long. This is admittedly the first time I have seen a proper score use quadruple dotted notes, normally you only ever get a double if you're lucky. Fourth movement is quite nice too although nothing really stands out to me other than the cadence at the end which is quite interesting and is certainly hinting towards Holst's later harmonic development.

[fezwearingjellybananas]

Writer’s Month Masterpost:

Here is a link to the AO3 series and below the cut is a complete list of all the prompt fills for @writersmonth 2020, most of them are DCTV, there are 2 Adventure Zone fics, 1 Good Omens, and 1 Doctor Who, but it’s mostly DC. Thank you so much for organising this again, it’s been good fun and a bit of a challenge, but hopefully the prompts fit

1. Sticking Around (tattoo artist/flower shop AU)- Legends of Tomorrow, Sara Lance/Jefferson Jackson- Sara had been travelling for a while. She'd only meant to drop by Central to visit Laurel. But it might be nice to stay a while

2. Alien Mushrooms (quarantine)- The Flash (TV 2014), Gen, Iris West, Barry Allen, Cisco Ramon - Perhaps on this one occassion Barry will admit he let his curiosity get the better of him. But not while Cisco is in earshot.

3. Apprenticeship (magic)- Legends of Tomorrow, Gen, Behrad Tarazi, Jefferson Jackson- A long time ago, Behrad’s sister vanished. He’s been looking for Zari for years and got nowhere, so maybe this was just another dead end, but it can’t hurt to try (Marvellous Ladies of DC AU)

4. Seventeen Earths (long distance relationship)- The Flash (TV 2014), Cisco Ramon/Cynthia Reynolds- Cisco’s a superhero. He’s pretty sure he can figure out how to be in a long distance relationship

5. The Lovers and the Dreamers (soulmates)- The Flash (TV 2014), Gen, Cisco Ramon, Iris West- The particle accelerator blew up, everything went wrong, and somewhen in all that Cisco’s soul dreams started. Only he has no idea who his soulmate is. Meanwhile, Doctor Wells has just brought a coma patient to S.T.A.R. Labs and Cisco doesn’t know how to make Barry better for Iris, but he does know how to be a friend if she needs one.

6. Beneath the Waves (ocean)- The Flash (TV 2014), Barry Allen/Iris West, Cisco Ramon- Eva’s ship was sinking and Iris was alone in the water, too far from land. She couldn’t see Barry, or anyone, but she knew Carver had found Zoloman’s treasure before they did, and she knew what had been in that treasure. And then she woke up in a cave

7. Day Off (hurt/comfort)- The Flash (TV 2014), Kendra Saunders/Iris West, Barry Allen- Sometimes Iris woke up and everything hurt. It probably came with being a superhero. But she’s not dealing with anything alone, and that means she can have a day off (The Flash & Hawkgirl)

8. Frostbitten (eight)- The Flash (TV 2014), Barry Allen, Hartley Rathaway, Wally West- Caitlin was Barry’s friend. He’d known her for eight years. And yet she’d betrayed them {The Flash & Hawkgirl}

9. Morning Sickness (illness)- The Flash (TV 2014), Barry Allen/Iris West- Barry’s not sure why Iris is feeling so bad, but soup might help

10. Therapy Bunnies (bunnies)- Legends of Tomorrow, Gen, Ensemble- There was a pile of superheroes and rabbits on Sara’s time ship

11. Sunset Flights (light)- Supergirl (TV 2015) & The Flash (TV 2014), Kara Danvers/Iris West- The best thing about living on their new Earth was how easy it was for Kara to get from National City to Central

12. Marmalade (meet cute)- The Flash (TV 2014), Iris West/Eddie Thawne- Barry had only asked Iris to fish sit for him. He would have mentioned if the orange cat in the kitchen was his

13. Violins (music)- The Adventure Zone (Balance), Lucretia- Lucretia couldn’t do this on her own. Wonderland had proved that. But the Bureau would work. She just needed to find people she could trust to save the world

14. The Engineer (metamorphosis)- The Flash (TV 2014), Gen, Hartley Rathaway, Cisco Ramon- Ronnie Raymond died the night of the particle accelerator. Yet Cisco Ramon arrived at Hartley’s door saying Ronnie had saved him. And also that Ronnie had been on fire at the time (Tess Lives AU)

15. Jitters Yet Again (coffee shop AU)- The Flash (TV 2014), Gen, Cisco Ramon, Caitlin Snow- One day maybe they’d visit a coffee shop other than Jitters

16. History and Future (history)- Legends of Tomorrow, Kendra Saunders/Iris West, Leonard Snart- Kendra had met one of her past selves in the Old West. And been told all about how things went with people other than Carter. But she couldn’t stop thinking about the future, and about Iris (The Flash & Hawkgirl)

17. Brownie Distractions (cooking)- Supergirl (TV 2015), Kara Danvers/Nia Nal- Iris had been right, baking brownies using her not really a secret but kind of a secret brownie recipe was an excellent way to distract Kara

18. Retirement (myths)- Good Omens, Aziraphale/Crowley- The world didn’t end, and Aziraphale and Crowley consider the South Downs

19. Twelve Again (deaging)- The Flash (TV 2014), Gen- When Wally called Joe asking if he could come to S.T.A.R. Labs to help with an emergency, this was not what he had imagined

20. Bench on the Hill (loss)- The Flash (TV 2014), Cisco Ramon, Hartley Rathaway- Cisco was Vibe, the one who’d destroyed Harrison’s roof and the front of S.T.A.R. Labs, but that wasn’t like Cisco at all, and Hartley had to talk to him

21. A Visitor for Tea (family)- Doctor Who, Gen, Yasmin Khan, Rani Chandra- Yaz had been hoping it was the Doctor at her door, even if she hadn’t been expecting her

22. The Little Corner Pet Shop (pet shop AU)- The Flash (TV 2014), Kamilla Hwang/Cisco Ramon, Iris West- Cisco liked his job. He got to bring his dog with him and people always wanted to talk about their pets

23. Reluctant Arrangements (poison)- The Flash (TV 2014), Gen, Caitlin Snow, Barry Allen, Eobard Thawne- Caitlin met the boy her mother had decided she would one day marry when she was fourteen. Neither Caitlin nor Bartholomew are particularly happy about this situation

24. Swan Captain (true love’s kiss)- Legends of Tomorrow, Sara Lance/Jefferson Jackson- Jax had learnt how to deal with metahuman powers, he’d learnt to deal with time travel, now it seemed like he’d have to find a way to deal with magic too. Prefereably quickly so they can find a way to turn Sara back into a human being

25. The Detective (drop)- The Flash (TV 2014), Barry Allen/Iris West, Eddie Thawne- The Tricksters had poisioned everyone at the fundraiser and kidnapped Barry’s dad. Really not an ideal time for Eddie to finally catch the Flash (Tess Lives AU)

26. Long Weekend (summer vacation)- Supergirl (TV 2015), Kara Danvers/Nia Nal- Nia was pretty sure Alex and Kelly had called everyone they knew to try and convince Kara and her to take a break

27. Silver Dreams (dream)- The Flash (TV 2014), Iris West- Iris was in the mirror dimension, and then she was in a 1950s comic book

28. Scarlet Knight (fantasy)- The Flash (TV 2014), Gen, Wally West, Cisco Ramon, Barry Allen, Iris West- There was a magician in the street openly doing magic, and somehow he knew Wally’s name

29. Classmates (high school AU)- Legends of Tomorrow, Gen, Mick Rory, Joe West, Ava Sharpe, Sara Lance- Maybe they should have checked the invite list for Mick’s high school reunion before crashing it

30. Jenni (joy)- The Flash (TV 2014), Barry Allen/Iris West, Jenni Ognats- Iris couldn’t think of anything more wonderful than sitting with her husband and holding her tiny granddaughter

31. A Bed at Duck’s (there was only one bed)- The Adventure Zone (Amnesty), Aubrey Little/Dani, Duck Newton- They can’t get to Amnesty Lodge anymore, and Duck does not have enough spare beds for everyone

[mavrintarou]

Silver Heart

Because... I'm struggling to finish Once Again - 6... I'll give you something else I've written. #stallingtime

Warnings: pregnant reader, lactation, breeding kink, smut and just sweet Shinsuke Kita **overall- mature contents** .

“Hello.”

You jumped up, hand over your heart as you turned around to see a handsome man. Kita Shinsuke, your neighbor next door. He has been in the cities when you moved into your grandmother’s home. “Oh, you scared me, but hello.”

He gives you a warm smile and you think, he doesn’t look like the rice farmer every lady in the village has been talking about.

“I’m Y/n.” you say walking closer to hold out your hand.

“Shinsuke.” He takes your small hand in his, “nice to finally meet you.”

You smile, “likewise. I heard about you but haven’t gotten to meet my neighbor yet.”

Kita lived with his grandma, and both your grandmothers have been friends for many years, but you’ve never met Kita before.

“Can I help you move boxes around?” he offers, pointing to your boxes you just had dropped off from the cities.

You looked at them before responding, “No, it’s okay. I got it.”

Anyone could see past your lie. Who are you trying to fool? You’re six-months pregnant, who in their right mind would think it’s okay for them to lift boxes? He smiles and heads for the boxes, “where would you like these?”

You give him a small smile, “thank you, you can put it over there for me please.”

After he moved eight boxes of yours you hand him a bottle of water. “Thank you.”

“No problem.”

“Oh, Shin!”

You both turned to see both your grandmas at the door, “I see you two have met.” They both came into the house with hands full of bags.

Kita, being the gentleman he is, hurried over to take those bags from them. “Bring them to the kitchen please,” his grandma said.

He disappeared leaving you with the two elder ladies.

“That’s my grandson, Shinsuke.” Grandma Kita said, “isn’t he handsome?”

You gave her a smile, “of course.”

“And he’s single.” Your grandma added, wiggling her eyebrows.

You ignored her tactic, “that’s very nice. I’m sure he’ll meet a wonderful woman one day.”

You turned away before either grandma could speak, knowing very well what they’re trying to scheme up here, holding a protective hand around your bump.

Ever since the death of your husband and finding out you were 3 months pregnant after his death, your grandma has been pressuring you to remarry for the sake of your unborn child.

You have also made the big decision to move in with her for the time being to help you through this pregnancy since she was the only family you had left after the death of your parents; your husband’s side of the family didn’t want anything to do with you since they never liked you in the first place.

In the meantime, your career as a medical doctor made it easy to transfer hospitals. Thankfully, there was a nearby small hospital that gave you part time hours- which was what you were looking for. Things were slightly outdated, but you instantly connected well with the medical team and staffs.

You obviously stood out like a sore thumb with your fancier vehicle- everyone in the area usually rode bikes or drove older vehicles.

You would see Shinsuke every morning, giving him a small wave and a smile and he return the gesture. If you needed his help, you are guaranteed to find him in this rice paddy field.

You’ve tried really, really, really hard to not allow this silver hair man into your heart, let alone your life. But your grandmothers were up to something… often leaving unexpectedly and frequently. Therefore, your grandmother would always asking Kita to look after you when you’ve made it pretty clear multiple times that you are capable of looking after yourself.

That went through one ear and out the other as the two elder woman waved goodbye with a wink.

One morning, there was no sign of Kita anywhere. Both grandmother’s were out so went over next door to check on him.

“Kita-san?” you called softly, entering his home. No answer.

You called out his name again and that’s when you heard a groan coming from what you presume a bedroom.

“Kita-san?” you knock on the door. You heard mumbles and took it upon yourself to enter.

Sure enough, Kita was in bed, shivering.

You knelt beside him and touched his forehead, a fever.

You were about to go search for a cloth and water when he grabbed your wrist, “leave, I don’t want you to get sick.”

You shook him off and proceed to find the stuff you need. You placed a damp towel on his forehead and proceed to wipe his body down. You made porridge and fed him, giving him all the rest he needed. You could see the lively colors coming back.

“Do you need me to check on any of your gardens?” You asked as if you knew what to do if he answered yes.

He shook his head, “no, thank you though. This is more than I can ask for.” He smiles weakly.

It was almost 8 hours later when his fever broke and he didn't want you near him still, shooing you away when he had more strength to stop you from entering his home.

You did one last check on him for the night when he caught your wrist, “don’t hesitate to come get me if you need anything.”

“I should be saying that to you!"

Kita is always there for you for everything. In the morning, he would have already made a morning porridge and tea ready for you with a note,

Good morning, I’ll be in the raspberry field today.

He is clearly making it very difficult for you to not fall for him.

You’ve indirectly told him that, this was only strictly friendship between the two of you. It hurt you to tell him that knowing very well, your heart doesn’t agree.

One late night, you tossed and turn on your futon hungry. You couldn’t avoid this late-night craving for a strawberry sandwich from 7/11.

Getting dressed, you slipped on your shoes and opened your door and head to your car.

“Where are you going?”

You jumped at the familiar voice, what is he still doing up? It was nearly 11:30pm. To your knowledge, Shinsuke was the kind of specie that could sleep as soon as their head hits the pillow. He also had a strict bed time, usually in bed by 8pm.

“Kita-san?” you say, seeing a dark silhouette become more defined in the light.

He must of have just showered because his hair is damp and he had clean regular clothes on, not the overalls that he normally wears.

You swallow, why do you feel like a little kid getting caught sneaking out. “I…” you looked anywhere but his eyes.

“Where are you going?” he asked again, coming closer to you.

You caught yourself kicking rocks before you straighten yourself and answering, “I… I’m craving for some strawberry sandwiches, specifically the ones from 7/11.”

When it sunk in, he smiles, eyes softening. “Let me go get it for you then.”

He turned to head back into his house when you called his name, “it’s okay, I can go by myself.”

You feel his gaze lingering on you for a second before he suggests, “how about we go together?”

It’s not that you didn’t want to be with him, just… wanted to stop falling for him even further.

He was standing in front of you, caressing your face. “Are you embarrassed to be seen with me? A farmer?”

Your head snaps up, you grab his hand that’s touching your face. “No!” you exclaimed, “I’m not embarrassed to be seen with you at all.” You tell him softly, “I’m afraid it’s quite the opposite actually… I don’t want others to talk about you... if you keep hanging around me.”

Well, the ladies around have already began gossiping. Mostly saying you two looked adorable together.

He cups your face, “I don’t mind and I don’t care of what other thinks. Now, answer me truthfully, what are you thinking?”

That I might be in love with you and want to be with you. “A strawberry sandwich.”

His mouth curves into the smile that you fell in love with, “let’s go together, okay?”

You nod your head, holding up your keys to your car. “Let’s take my car then.”

. . .

Kita takes you to a 7/11 in the cities since the one nearby has already closed. So much of being a convenient store.

He trails behind you, carrying the basket that became full of other items beside a strawberry sandwich.

“Do you want anything?” You asked, grabbing a few different kinds of onigiri that are now on sale.

“Kita-senpai?”

You and Kita turned to the unknown, seeing a taller man with silver hair staring between you and Kita, and then his eyes landed on your pregnant belly.

“Oh, hey Osamu-san.” Kita greeted coolly.

As this Osamu person made his way closer to the two of you, you couldn’t help but turn away.

“Is this your girlfriend?” Your face drops. “Senpai! You’re so sneaky, you have a girlfriend and expecting a baby on the way and you didn’t tell us!”

You were about to bolt when Kita grabbed your hand and pulled you by his side. “Sorry, things got busy and before you know…” he rubs your belly, earning a kick from your baby.

“Congratulations then!”

. . .

“You shouldn’t have done that.” You muttered, finally when you guys made your way back home. “Now, your friends are all going to think this baby is yours.”

From the corner of your eyes, you can see Kita glancing at you. “Does that bother you?”

You don’t answer.

He reaches over and grabs your hand, holding it gently in his. “Do you like me?”

You don’t answer again.

“So, you don’t like me?”

You pull your hand away and grab the plastic bag full of goodies and grabbed one of the many strawberry sandwiches and begin unwrapping it. You take a bite before offering it to Kita which he takes a bite also without taking his hands off the wheel.

“I like you, Kita-san but I shouldn’t.” you finally say.

“Can you elaborate more on that?”

“I’m pregnant with another man’s baby. If you keep staying by my side, people will get the wrong idea and spread rumors about you.” You look at him, which he keeps his gaze on the road. “I’m not mad, I just think you don’t know what you’re getting yourself into by involving yourself with a widow woman who is having a baby that isn’t yours.” You place your hands protectively over your baby, “that’s just what I’m thinking, please don’t take it offensively.”

Kita remains silent through out the rest of the short trip home. The moment he parks your car back in it’s original spot he hands you the keys before getting out of the car. You gather your bag of goodie and blink when your door opens, with Kita holding his hand out to you.

You accept his helping hand to get out of the car. He pulls you aside to close the door but cages you in with his arm against your car.

He raises a hand and gently caresses your face, “I want to be with you.” He tells you boldly. “At first, I admit, I was a little hesitant on getting involved with you, but it was not because you are a widow and expecting a baby by another man, it’s because you’re a city girl. Why would a city girl and beautiful girl like you want with a farmer boy like me?” His thumb traces your lower lip, “I don’t care that this baby,” his other hand on your belly is hot and burns in a passionate way, “is not mine. If you give me a chance, I’ll raise and love him or her as my own.”

His thumb shifts to wipe away the tear that fell, one you didn’t notice. You hold his hand to your cheek and wear your heart on your sleeve. “I might be vulnerable right now, Kita-san, but please don’t break my heart then.”

You lean to kiss him on the lips before gently pushing him away to head inside your home.

. . .

Since that night of open feelings, Kita took that as a green light.

And quite frankly, so did you.

Now that you were 36 weeks pregnant, you took your maternity leave to just rest as much as you can before your baby decides to come out to the world. This week, Kita offered to tag along with you to your weekly appointments that were now required closer to your due date.

Later that day, the two of you had dinner and while Kita insists on cleaning up since you cooked- you compromised by saying that the two of you doing it will get it done faster. You settled on your couch and Kita followed shortly and sits beside you and lays a hand on your large belly. “You really don’t know the gender of the baby?”

You shook your head, you had decided to keep it a surprise since… at first before you met Kita, you had no one to share the news with so you didn’t care to find out- just that regardless if it was a boy or girl, you’re going to love them endlessly.

Kita motions for you to move to the end of the couch so you can put your legs on his lap. He takes your feet and begins to massage them. You let your head fall back and you groaned.

Your ankles have been swelling and oddly that foot massage felt heavenly.

So heavenly you knocked out and didn’t stir until Kita lifted you off the couch and to your room.

“How embarrassing,” you buried your face into his shirt. “I’m sorry.”

“Don’t be,” he kisses your forehead, he leans over and places a kiss on your large belly. “Sleep well, okay? I’ll see you tomorrow.”

Kita always kisses you goodnight but never stays. You didn’t know how to tell him to without directly asking him.

More than often, you catch yourself gazing at this handsome man which is why you didn’t realize how long you were standing there at his rice field when he finally noticed you.

“Is there something I can help you with?” he asked, tilting his straw hat back to have a better look at you.

You shook your head, “I just want to let you know that I picked up some food from the cities earlier and put them in your fridge.”

Living in a small countryside village, no one ever locked their homes during the day- or at least Kita didn’t. He’s told you that if you needed anything, feel free to check inside of his home.

You turned to head back home when he called out your name. “I’ll see you later for dinner.”

“Okay,” you answered softly with a stupid smile.

. . .

You sigh deeply in frustration. At 36 almost 37 weeks pregnant, your breasts have been leaking milk profusely and also ached for being so full.

With your breasts constantly leaking yellow-ish milk you are constantly changing the pad hourly. To make this easier, you just wear a simple kimono when you’re in the comfort of your own home.

You have your kimono hanging off your shoulder as you wipe and clean the area of your areola.

“Are you okay?”

You gasped, quickly pulling your kimono to cover your bare chest. You see Kita standing at the doorway with a concern expression, thankfully you had your back against the door. You laughed with a hand to your chest, “Kita-san, you’re always scaring me.”

He sees you trying to fix your kimono and he feels bad for intruding- but he did call out your name when he entered your home. He decided to come home earlier to shower and be more presentable for dinner.

“Are you still busy? I can give you a few minutes to organize… yourself.”

You shook your head, pulling your kimono tighter around your pregnant body. “No, no it’s okay. Let me go get the food ready.” You take your time to stand up and waddle towards him.

Kita’s gaze is fixated at your breast, seeing there are wet spots. He grabs your wrist, stopping you in place. You look at him with questioning eyes. “Do not mind me for being upfront but… are you leaking?”

You look down, seeing what he meant, and you quickly covered your chest with your hands, pulling away from him when Kita tightens his hold. “I know… some women need relief… do you need my help?”

Your mouth drops at his question, “no, it’s okay, Kita-san-“

“I’m more than willing to help you, Y/n-chan.”

Your head was spinning, is this weird to have him offer?

He tilts your chin, so you look at him in the eye, “let me help you, okay?”

“What about dinner?”

He smiles, “we can eat in a second here after you feel better.”

You nod and nod your head to where you were sitting moments ago. “This will be easier if we sit down.”

You sit cross legged and he mirrored you. A ton of things is attacking you as you try to comprehend that… you are going to show him your leaking breasts. Was that not weird at all?

Your hands freeze at your sash. Is this really not weird at all for Kita? To help relieve a pregnant woman?

“I don’t think this is weird,” he answers, completely reading your mind. “It’s written all over your face,” he gives you a small smile.

“Wait,” he says when you were about to loosen your sash. He scoots so his back is against the wall and tells you, “come sit on my lap.”

“Kita-san!” you exclaimed, feeling heat rush to your face. This is getting too intimate!

He motions for you to come, not taking no for an answer. You crawled to him and settling on his lap, straddling him. His hands settle on your thigh as yours settle on his shoulders before dropping to relax by his waist. He pulls your waist until your large belly is up against his.

There, now you were as close as possible to him.

If he was nervous, he did a better job hiding it while for you, it’s written all over your face. He silently asks you if it’s okay to start, and you nod your head.

Kita exhales before initiating and pulls loosely at the sash before he pushes your kimono off your shoulders.

Your eyes shut and breath hitched the moment his warm hands massages and kneed your fully filled breasts.

Sure, you could have done this yourself but… his hands just feel so much better.

You bite your lower lip to contain your moans.

After a few minutes, you asked, “how do you know to do this?”

You prayed he didn’t do this on a daily basis with pregnant woman in the village because your panties are too damp now for that kind of answer.

“I recall learning in health class in high school.”

He had given your left breast a tad bit harder squeeze that milk shot straight to the corner of his mouth. Your eyes widen, ready to use the sleeve of your kimono to wipe it when his tongue darted out to lick it away.

His hand movements paused as he looks at you with darker pupils, “may I use my mouth?”

And how do you say no?

“If... if you like.” You uttered.

Kita wastes no time and leaned forward to latch onto a leaking harden nipple and begins to suckle. His tongue teasing your nipple.

And at last, what he’s been working hard for, your moan.

You don’t see it, but Kita has a smile at his success to finally get you to moan under his touch.

Your hands wrap around his the back of his neck, fighting to shove his face into your chest to give you more…

“Kita-san…”

He lets your nipple go with a pop and pulls away until he can stare into your eyes. “I’ve told you to call me Shin.” His lips slightly pouts and that does things to you.

You nod your head, not trusting your voice.

He smiles and your breath hitched, Shinsuke is dangerously handsome.

He shifts to the other side and begins to suckle, tongue flickering your nipple inside of his mouth.

The sight before you is so erotic that all you could do is just scape your nails on his scalp.

Kita groans and pulls away to say, “you taste so good.” He laps again at the bead of milk that surfaced your nipple. “Do you… want me to take care of you?”

You pushed against him to put some space between the two of you. “You’re doing so much for me already… I can’t ask you to do… that.” You suddenly realize, you didn’t know what he really meant behind his question? And you would die embarrassment if it isn’t what you interpreted.

He grabs your hand and places it on his fully erect cock. “I want you, Y/n-chan. I want you in every way you’ll give me.”

And you snap.

You lean forward and kiss him so hard the back of his head hits the wall and you pull back, apologizing but continuing to kiss him hungrily.

Kita chuckled, “slow down I don’t want you to hurt yourself.”

“I need you,” you say between kisses. When he only chuckles, you stop, feeling all of a suddenly self-conscience. Are you being too desperate?

“Do you want me?” you asked quietly, biting the corner of your lip.

Kita’s brow furrow at your question, “I’ve wanted you the first time I saw you.” You sit back on his legs and he tilts your chin so you’re looking at him, “I want you. I want you so much you won’t even believe it.”

You bite your lip, not fully convinced.

“Then let me show you, lay down.”

You lower yourself onto your futon and pillow that was right behind you. All your insecurities come attacking all at once. “I’m not… sexy.” You blurted when Kita was about to fully open your kimono.

He pauses, a small smile curving on his lips. He pulls open your kimono in one smooth and swift tug. He sees your naked pregnant belly with visible vein running in different directions. The only clothing you had underneath was your cotton panty and that, Kita took off.

He leans forward and plants a kiss at the top of your mountain belly, “I’d like to object to that, I think you look super sexy like this. Full, round and so very pregnant.”

You narrowed your eyes at him and playfully teased him, “if I didn’t know any better, Kita-san… you have a kink for pregnant woman.”

Without a warning, he gently slides a finger inside of you, knowing you would be able to take it. He slowly begins to pump his finger inside of you, “what did I say? What did I tell you to call me?”

You kind of liked this dominance side to him. “Shin…suke, please, I need more.”

He adds another finger and widens your leg with his other free hand and then puts pressure on your clit, “you feel amazing around my fingers… I can’t wait to see what you feel like around my cock.”

Lewd noises echo from him sliding his fingers in and out of you. “Shinsuke- I want more…”

He chuckles and pulls his fingers out and takes that moment to shred all his clothes off. You pushed yourself onto your elbows to be able to have a better look at his glorious naked body since your large pregnant belly is in your view. “I haven’t had—I haven’t had sex in a long time.”

“I’ll be gentle.” He promises as he settles between your legs.

You grab you pillow to support your back a little better as you widen your legs, waiting for the anticipation.

Kita rubbed the tip of his cock along your sit to collect your juice. He dipped the tip inside of you only to pull out, teasing you to no ends.

You groaned, “if you don’t hurry up I’m going to go eat dinner without you.”

Kita chuckles slips past you folds this time around and pushes until he bottoms out.

You back arches as he hits home. “Shin…”

He groans feeling you tightening around him. “You feel even better than I had imagined.” His hips slowly rocking and every time his cock slides between your spongy walls, it brings him so close to climaxing.

“Faster,” you whined, “faster, love.”

Kita has sweat falling from his forehead as he tries hard to have control but when you speak like that it only gets him going. “Love? Am I your love?” he asks with not a faster thrust, but deeper thrust. He stops his motion when you don’t answer, “answer me or I won’t give you an orgasm.”

You throw an arm over your eyes, “yes, I love you.”

Kita grabs your arm and gently pulls away, until your eyes are looking into his- he whispers, “I love you too.”

He threads his fingers with yours and rolls his hips, hitting you deep. He knows you’re close, because he’s close too.

“You say I have a pregnancy kink and…” he pauses, breathless, “I think you’re right. After you have this baby, I’m going to put another one in you.” He thrust, “and another one…” thrust, “and another one.”

“Yes! Yes! Yes!”

Kita gives you a few thrust and cums deeply. Your womb filled fully. Kita is above you still, panting and shuttering at his euphoric release. He places a kiss on your belly, “I love you.”

You smile tiredly at him, “I love you too.” You relax your body, utterly exhausted. “I’m not even hungry anymore.”

. . .

You’re now 38.5 weeks pregnant and technically deemed safe to give birth any time now.

You are incredibly uncomfortable and easily agitated…

Especially when Kita is slowly thrusting deep into you from behind early this morning.

“Shinsuke, if you don’t… don’t…” you lost your train of words when he snaps his hips harder and squeeze your breast.

“If I don’t what?” he asks, grinding his hips against you. He finds your sensitive nub and rubs it while thrusting faster. “You’re so sensitive this morning," he whispers and you tremble in release.

Kita always makes sure to bring you to release before his own, slowly thrusting knowing that you’re overly sensitive now. He nips your shoulder, hips jerking as he cums inside of you.

He kisses your shoulder, “how are you feeling this morning?”

“Baby might just come today if that’s how you’re playing this morning.”

Kita has a beautiful laugh, the kind that makes you always want him to laugh because it’s so beautiful.

He slowly pulls out of you and sits up to rubs your belly. He leans down against your belly and bargains, “if you come out today, I’ll double your allowance for the first five years.”

An hour later, after another round of love making you finally showered. As soon as you turned off the waters, a gush of fluid spills between your legs and a painful spasm hits you, having you double over and holding the wall for support. “Shinsuke!”

One look at you and he knew.

He carries you all the way to the bedroom, slipping your kimono on.

You grab his arm, shaking your head. “Baby is coming…” You grimace in pain as contractions hit.

“Let me call the doctor!" He holds your hand as he whips his phone out.

You count, timing your contractions and there is no way you’ll make it to the hospital at this rate.

Baby is determined to come out for that double allowance deal.

“Shin…” you breathed, catching his attention. “Go fill the tub up with water.”

He follows your instructions and carries you, setting you in the tub as he hurries to fill it with water. You slip on a sports bra and control your breathing as your contractions are coming faster.

The next couple of minutes blur as your doctor appears and orders you to start pushing.

Your body snaps and stretches in all sort of ways, with one final push and felt it all leave you.

The doctor swooped and pulled your baby out of the water, quickly clearing their airway and the first cry echoes the small bathroom.

You collapse against the tub, exhausted but still alert as you watch Kita cut the umbilical cord. He looks at you with soft eyes and the doctor looks at you with a smile, “congratulations, it’s a girl!"

. . .

You can see from your bedroom window, your 3-year-old daughter was already up tending the rice field with her father in their twinning hat and overalls.

Yawning, you decided to stay in and enjoy the pleasure of lounging in your comfy bed.

The moment Kita held your daughter, he fell in love all over again.

At the very beginning, you didn't think it'd be possible for another man to adore a child that wasn't theirs. But Kita Shinsuke proved you wrong.

Morning feeding and late night feeding, it was him. He insists and prefers it, wanting you to rest even if he was the one getting up early.

You couldn't be anymore blessed to see him interact with her, cuddling her and teaching her all the things a girl will need a father for.

When she turned 1 years old, Shinsuke asked for your hand in marriage. Getting a smile approval from his daughter was a bonus. "Can I be your daddy?"

Their bond was inseparable. He was there for her the first time she had a fever to her first time eating solid food, down to the first time she began crawling and the first step she took towards him.

You rub your six-months pregnant belly and reach over to grab the strawberry sandwich that Kita has set on your side of the bed with a note,

Good morning my love,

This is the last strawberry sandwich; Y/d/n and I will go into the cities later. Let me know what else you're craving for.

I love you

.

.

.

E/n: if you read this on my old account, I've changed and edit some stuff.

[darlingmulti]

My First Kiss (ChanLix)

Description - Short and sweet fic about Chan taking Felix's first kiss.

Pairing- Stray Kids Bang Chan x Felix

Genre- bxb, fluff, slice of life

Word count - 3.3k

Warnings- neck kissing, making out

Part 2- Shy (Chanlix and Minsung)

Lil note- This is the first time I'm publishing something I've written in a while and this is my first time posting on tumblr so if you want please feel free to give me pointers or tell me what you thought. Thanks for reading :)

As Stray Kids walked into their dorm Chan seemed quite preoccupied. Staying behind as every member walked in before him. All he could think about was the interview that day. Felix had never kissed anyone?

He had a hard time believing it considering how absolutely adorable he was, not to mention Chan and Felix had talked before about girl friends they had back home before joining Stray Kids. Perhaps Felix had just said that to keep the cute, innocent, image for his fans?

He entered and closed the door, sliding off his shoes with the others. Jisung threw himself onto the couch and immediately pulled out his phone to play games while Minho naturally settled beside him, sighing and leaning against one of Jisungs knees quietly. It certainly wasn’t unusual for the two of them to be like that, they had always been close with one another.

Hyunjin, Seungmin, and Jeongin had already disappeared down the halls and Changbin was in the kitchen looking for food with Felix close behind him peering cutely over his shoulders to see inside the fridge.

Chan came over and threw his arm around Felix’s small frame,“Are you guys hungry?” He asked curiously.

The two nodded at their leader's question, but there was a disgruntled expression on their faces. They were almost completely out of any good food to make. They would have to go grocery shopping, but no one had the energy to do all that right now. Especially after the schedule they had had.

Felix looked disappointed, and the little pout on his freckled face was enough to make Chan’s heart ache.

“Hey, let’s order pizza hm?” He suggested, wrapping his other arm around Felix in an easy embrace, holding him perfectly against him with his chin falling onto the smaller boy's shoulder.

“Really?” Felix asked, his eyes sparkling as he looked over.

Before he could answer Changbin immediately began shouting, “Leader Bang

Chan is buying us pizza!!”

There was a loud cheer across the dorm and Felix cheered as well, jumping a bit against Chan. He sighed and pulled out his phone to place the order for his kids.

Hours later the members had finished eating and the majority had gone to lay down. Chan had offered to clean up after everyone, and while Hyunjin and Seungmin had insisted on cleaning their plates before leaving the other members gladly accepted his offer. All except for Felix who was gathering up plates and cups scattered around their living/dining area quietly.

“You really don’t have to help me, it’s been a long day. You should rest.” Chan insisted.

“You should rest.” Felix shot back, straightening up and smiling sweetly at Chan. Chan couldn’t help but stare at him. He was so gorgeous and cute. His teeth were blinding, his freckles dusted his cheeks like stars and his blond hair looked unbearably soft… Had this perfect boy really never been kissed before?

Felix raised his eyebrows and walked closer, “Alright?” he was asking, and Chan blushed, realizing he had zoned out staring at his face and hadn’t even heard what was being said to him.

“Uh… What?”

“See! You’re the one who needs to rest!” Felix pouted, setting down the plates and beginning to push on Chan’s broad back with his tiny hands, without much use. Despite the fact that the two were about the same height Felix was overall slighter than Chan, and not nearly as strong as his friend.

“What did you say?” Chan whined, turning around to face Felix while he still tried vainly to push him, splaying his hands naturally over Chan’s chest, looking up into his eyes with a friendly but insistent expression.

“I said you should go to bed and I’ll finish up.” He lied cheekily, still smiling brightly.

Chan laughed, “No you didn’t, what did you sayyy?” He whined again, still standing strong against Felix’s attempts.

“Seriously! That’s what I said!” He exclaimed before laughing out loud and throwing himself against Chan, finally managing to make him stumble a bit, causing Chan to instinctively reach up and grab onto his arm for support.

The two were now closer, chests nearly pressed together as Felix’s eyes slid sheepishly up to look into his hyungs eyes, Chan was nearly floored. He was so pretty?? So cute??

“Sor-”

“Have you really never kissed anyone before?” Chan blurted out, cutting off his apology to ask, completely flabbergasted by the fact when faced with how stunning Felix was.

Felix blushed and stepped back a bit, “Uh… yeah.” He said sheepishly, scratching the back of his neck shyly. Clearly caught off guard from the random question.

“What about your girlfriends?”

“Those weren’t serious you know.” Felix said, laughing softly.

“Oh,” Chan replied, stepping away and taking the plates to the sink, feeling his face heating up at the atmosphere he had created asking such a stupid question.

“Well...Wh-what about you?” Felix asked, turning to face Chan who wasn’t looking at him and was instead focused on clearing what little food was left on the plates before loading them into the dishwasher.

“I’ve kissed a few.”

“A few!?”

Chan chuckled at the incredulity in Felix’s voice, “I’m not a pure angel like yourself.”

“Hey! I’m not pure,” Felix sulked. Throwing himself dramatically on the couch, “You can finish doing the dishes actually. I don’t want to.”

Chan rolled his eyes, “Go lay in bed then. You should sleep.”

Felix huffed and pulled out his phone to play games. The two were quiet for a while but then Felix finally was too curious. They were best friends right, so it wasn’t like the topic was weird.

“So… what’s kissing like?” He asked innocently, setting his phone down and sitting up to look at Chan with his wide brown eyes.

Chan looked back at him with a cocked eyebrow, “It’s… it’s nice.” He replied, thinking back on previous kisses he’d had.

“Oh?” Felix asked, tilting his head.

Chan sighed, turning on the dishwasher before he went to settle down on the couch beside Felix. It was almost one am, they should both be getting ready for bed, but instead here they were talking about kissing.

“It depends. I like kissing. It feels nice, just… intimate.” Chan was at a loss for words, how could he adequately explain a kiss to Felix, who had apparently never kissed anyone before.

Felix nodded and glanced up at Chan, his eyes landing on his plush lips for probably too long. When he thought about it, it wasn’t surprising that Chan had kissed people before. He was incredibly handsome and radiated warmth. Not to mention, he had a nice body and was a sturdy, safe, person.

“What are you looking at?” Chan asked, his lips curving into a warm smile as Felix seemed to jump and look quickly into his eyes and then at the space on the sofa between them.

“Nothing…” He said shyly.

The two sat awkwardly together, an unusual thing for the best friends, who almost never ran out of things to say or do. They hadn’t been awkward for years but now here they were, silent, tension hovering in the air between them.

“Would you like to kiss someone?” Chan asked. Looking at Felix shyly. A part of him, a small part of him, wanted to lean forward and lift Felix’s chin and gaze deeply into his pretty eyes and press a kiss against his lips. Just to see what it would feel like.

Felix let out an awkward laugh, “What? No?... who would I even..?” He trailed off and looked at Chan from under his long lashes anxiously.

Chan was in the lead here, he could easily just say forget about it, make a joke and move on. Perhaps give him a sweet reassurance that his time would come and he had nothing to worry about.

It was late though, and the tiredness was making images of them kissing swim through his mind. He couldn’t believe it, but in this moment, he wanted to kiss Felix. Maybe it was the way his cheeks had heated up into a soft pink blush, or the way his eyes looked so filled with uncertainty and nerves. Perhaps it was the way his hands had curled into his lap when Chan had sat beside him, or how they had splayed over Chan’s chest earlier, but he wanted to kiss Felix badly.

Chan took a deep breath, “You could kiss… me.” His voice was breathy almost, shaky. As if he had been running a long time.

Felix didn’t make a sound. He didn’t gasp in shock, or start laughing out loud. Chan’s words were not joking, and were not funny in the slightest. His thoughts were scrambled… would it really be so bad? Chan was one of his best friends, and had always been someone Felix loved and trusted. From the moment he met him, he had always felt safe with Chan, and found him attractive. He didn’t even care that Chan was a man… What did it matter?

“Ah… sorry. Forget I said anything.” Chan said anxiously, the silence was eating him up.

“No!” Felix said quickly, “No, I-,” Felix looked into Chan’s eyes, “I want to.”

Chan wasn’t quite sure what he was expecting out of Felix, but that wasn’t it. His heart beat started pounding so hard in his chest he was surprised the members weren’t coming out to see what all the commotion was, “Oh,” he breathed, “Ok.” he said, trying to get a hold of himself. He sat up a bit straighter, trying not to show how flustered he actually was. Especially since Felix had said yes.

Felix sat up too, his hands still clasped tightly in his lap, he looked into Chan’s warm eyes again and then away at the wall behind them. He felt strange, he didn’t know where to put his hands or where to look. He hadn’t thought the night would come to this, and it wasn’t that he minded, he just hadn’t really been able to prepare for it.

“Felix.” Chan said, reaching over and taking Felix’s hands in his own, “First off, you need to relax.”

He was nervous too, but he knew Felix was probably a lot more nervous than he was. He had never kissed a boy before, but he had kissed girls, it probably wasn’t much different.

“I’m relaxed,” Felix lied, trying to give a calm smile but only ending up looking more uncomfortable.

“No you’re not,” Chan laughed, shaking his head at how sweet Felix was, he gently began swooping his thumb back and forth across the back of Felix’s hands, trying to be calming.

“It won’t be weird right…?” Felix asked, suddenly worried about something else entirely. He didn’t want his relationship with Chan to change.

“Why would it be weird?” Chan asked, as if that was a crazy thing to ask, “It’s only a kiss anyways… and at least this way you know, and I know, that your first kiss is with someone who cares about you.”

“That’s true…” Felix replied, his face felt suddenly much hotter and he instinctively leaned forward, hiding his face against Chan’s shoulder becoming enveloped in the scent of his cologne. An immediate sense of comfort washed over him, Chan truly felt like home to him.

Chan gently rubbed his back, “If you don’t want to we can just forget about it though… I don’t want you to feel too anxious or regret it.”

Felix shook his head, pulling away to look at Chan, “I won’t regret it… it’s not like it would change anything.” He said. The more he looked at Chan the more he wanted to kiss him. Especially right now, in his grey sweat pants and dark tee shirt, blond hair all curly and messy, he looked perfect.

“Of course not.” Chan reassured, his eyes scanning Felix’s face still for any traces of doubt. Felix was so adorable, so wholesome. He was more worried than anything about scaring him or upsetting him. He didn’t want Felix to feel any pressure either. Chan noticed his long hair was pulled into a tiny ponytail at the nape of his neck.

Chan leaned forward and brought his arms around Felix’s shoulders naturally, gently reaching up and taking the hair tie out of his hair and dropping it on the couch behind him before beginning to gently run his fingers through his hair, fanning it out sweetly for Felix.

Felix tensed for a moment and then relaxed and smiled, their faces were closer, “What did you do that for?” He asked softly, his breath tickling Chan’s nose as his fingers combed through his blond hair affectionately.

“I just felt like it.” Chan replied, he couldn’t stop smiling.

“Ohh,” Felix nodded, keeping his hands clasped in his lap. He wanted to reach out, to put his hands on Chan’s solid chest or just hug him again, but he didn’t know if that would be too much.

“Felix,” Chan breathed, leaning slightly closer to him. He felt strangely urgent, almost desperate to close the distance between them, but he was also highly aware of Felix’s shyness. Despite all of his feelings if Felix wanted to back out right now he would jump away without a second thought.

“Yeah,” Felix answered timidly, biting his lip slightly as he looked up into Chan’s wolfish gaze. He looked hungry, and intimidating.

“Can I kiss you,” He asked, his voice was gruff, and slightly strained.

Felix was frozen for a moment at the directness of his question, and the strange look in Chan’s eyes, but he wasn’t about to say no, he definitely wanted to kiss him.

He nodded affirmatively and felt his heart jump as Chan gently placed his hand under his chin and tilted his head up. Felix watched as his eyes closed and he came closer, and instinctively he closed his eyes as well.

Chan pressed his plush lips against Felix’s shyly puckered lips gently and then pulled away to look at Felix who’s eyes fluttered open incredulously, “Was that it?” he asked, but before he could become embarrassed by his candidness Chan was quickly kissing him again, one arm was wrapping around Felix and the other, which had been only tilting Felix’s face up was now cupping his velvety cheek.

Felix tentatively kissed back, moving his lips against Chan’s experienced mouth, and hoping he was doing it right. Chan led the kiss, separating occasionally and then crushing their lips back together.

The more they kissed the hotter Felix felt. There was a pit in the center of his stomach and his hands found their place against Chan’s waist. He found himself wanting to be closer to him. He lifted a hand to Chan’s strong face, feeling his jaw moving as they kissed.

Felix was startled when he felt Chan’s tongue against his mouth, but without much thought he slightly opened his mouth wider and poked his tongue back at Chan’s, who took the opportunity to deepen the kiss. His fingers were squeezing Felix’s shoulder gently and Felix slowly began to sit up, not disconnecting from the kiss even for a moment as Chan tilted his head back to keep kissing Felix, his hands falling to his friends tiny waist.

Felix dropped his hands on Chan’s broad shoulders, feeling peculiar as Chan’s hands gently edged his hoodie up, allowing him to splay his fingers around Felix's sides, his thumbs gliding back and forth over the smooth skin of his hips.

Any trace of anxiety or nervousness had been completely washed away now, all they could think about was each other. Felix didn’t feel like he was having a first kiss at all, he felt comfortable and natural.

Chan broke away from the kiss for a moment to look into Felix’s eyes, the two of them were breathing heavily and both of their eyes were filled with passion. Chan gently reached up and put his hand back against Felix’s face. He leaned into Chan’s palm slightly with wide eyes and then Chan leaned up and kissed his forehead, and then his cheek, and his nose and the corner of his mouth, and his jaw. He trailed kisses affectionately all over the boys face, making Felix almost breathless.

“Are you okay?” Chan asked softly, stopping again at the corner of Felix’s mouth.

“Mhm,” Felix hummed, eyes already closed.

Chan smirked softly and kissed the boys lips again before pulling back, Felix’s eyes flew open in annoyance and he whined quietly.

“I think you’re enjoying it too much.” Chan said softly, one of his hands squeezing and rubbing Felix’s side still.

“Is that bad?” Felix asked, looking troubled for a moment, his eyebrows furrowing, was he being too much? Perhaps he should-

His thought process was interrupted as Chan smashed their lips back together again, kissing him more aggressively this time. If they were both having fun, why stop now? Chan’s mouth left Felix’s and found his neck instead, being careful to be gentle and not leave any marks as he kissed, licked, and nipped at the sensitive skin, eliciting sounds out of Felix he hadn’t heard before. Breathy moans and whines that were driving him mad.

He had never enjoyed kissing someone so much. He had never enjoyed hearing someone make these sounds so much. He pushed Felix down against the couch, crawling over his small body and kissing him again, their tongues were dancing together, and while Chan’s hands were holding down Felix’s hips, Felix’s hands were wrapped around Chan’s neck, fingers wrapped tight in his blond curls.

Chan’s hands began sliding up under Felix’s hoodie and over his taut abs, searching for his nipples without thought until Felix let out a small yelp and broke away, “W-wait.” he said softly.

Chan immediately froze, and pulled back, his eyes landed on Felix’s which were now chocolate pools of anxiety.

Chan immediately pulled back, ripping his hands out from under Felix’s hoodie like he’d been burned and sitting at the edge of the sofa, his head immediately going into his hands, “I’m-I’m sorry,” he got out, feeling a heavy sense of guilt taking over his mind. He had gone way too far… that was Felix’s first kiss! How could he be so aggressive?

Felix slowly sat up, looking at Chan’s guilty frame. He reached out a hand and tentatively rubbed Chan’s shoulder, “It’s okay.” he assured. He wasn’t upset with him at all. He just hadn’t expected Chan to do that, it had taken him off guard more than anything.

“No it’s not,” Chan said, pulling his hands away to look at Felix, totally stricken with guilt, “I went way too far. I basically ravaged you for your first kiss!” He exclaimed and hid his face again. He looked ready to cry.

Felix had figured he would be the one to get emotional after this, but he was actually more relaxed than ever. He felt...good? His body was still humming with the excitement and everywhere Chan had kissed and touched felt tingly.

Felix smiled and wrapped his arms around his friends shoulders, rubbing his solid biceps insistently, “Chan hyung,” he said, “It’s okaaaay,” he sang.

“I don’t deserve to be your hyung.” Chan pouted, but still leaned into Felix’s embrace, relieved that Felix clearly didn’t hate him. The two stayed like that for a moment before Chan finally looked at Felix, who’s head had already fallen against his shoulder tiredly.

“Was I- was it-?... Did you like it?” Chan asked sheepishly.

Felix blushed, and bashfully leaned up to kiss Chan’s cheek, “Let’s have more first kisses,” he suggested boldly before pressing his face against Chan’s shoulder again.

Chan froze for a moment and then laughed out loud, warranting a smack from Felix not only to quiet him, but to get out some of the embarrassment.

“You really did like it too much…” Chan commented, pulling Felix against his side affectionately.

“Shut up,” Felix muttered darkly, turning his head to breath in Chan’s scent again and closing his eyes. Though he was getting sleepy now, he couldn’t help but hope that he got to have another first kiss with Chan soon.

[justiceraffles]

"Hey, what if MK was a horribly written telenovela with a poorly conceived mystery storyline that's tied together in the most precarious of ways with nonsensical plotpoints and was also endgame Hakukai" So here's the start to my Hakukai longfic! I have a lot of things to say about this story so I'll just ramble about it at length beneath the cut if anyone's interested in my nonsense notes. Otherwise,

Read Here

I've been working on this thing on and off for a year and a half now, it lives rent free in my head every day and has been editted, restructured, and rewritten a lot. I've been very apprehensive about sharing it. ...To be honest, I still am! It's a chaotic story where I just allowed myself to write the most self-indulgent thing I could muster. This entire plot is an amalmagation of random things and ideas I like. It feels like a niche concept that is very messy and ???¿¿¿¿??? why did I make this

But, I guess that also makes it a very "me" story, so having fun with it and writing something that just brought me joy is what matters most, ultimately.

(aaaaaaaaaaAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA)

I'm very thankful to everyone who has read the outline and concept for it or just listened to me ramble about the incoherent plot and characters or cheering me on when I've been kinda anxious about it— it's thanks to that support despite this being such a specific and ¿¿¿ idea that I've found the courage to actually share it. I'm very grateful and I hope you guys can enjoy something in it o)-(

So, about the fic,

It's a story about Hakuba! I think we are all well aware that jokes about his long absences and infrequent appearances are very commonplace (where in the world is hakuba saguru??? TT) and it unfortunately leads to him being forgotten and overlooked often. The initial concept that inspired this fic was "Hey, what if Hakuba stopped showing up for real?" and explore the implications this would have on the MK storyline (and Kaito, by extension). I wanted to make a plot where he was allowed to be the protagonist of his own story, highlight his worth as a detective, his role in the main narrative, and the depth of his relationship with Kaito. It's a Hakuba Saguru Appreciation fic, first and foremost!

So, the romance itself is very slow burn. There is a lot of plot, because I have a lot of fun with ridiculous, contrived stories haha. It takes a while for the story to be fully set up, and Kaito doesn't make a proper, official appearance until the end of Chapter 2.

Chapter 1 is rather lengthy and sets the context and plot from Hakuba's POV, Chapter 2 focuses on establishing where his relationship with Kaito (as well as Aoko and Akako) stands at the moment, and Chapter 3 onward starts seeing the first proper developments in the relationship.

It's a bit rocky at first and they have a lot of ups and downs but I promise they work it out (I promise!!! I swear!!!) I tried my best to maintain a balance between the fluffy and angsty moments, but I have to admit it's quite dramatic at parts lol I enjoy stupid, trashy drama a lot sometimes— this is the reason I'm calling it a bad telenovela.

Despite the fact that this is very plotty, their feelings for each other are the guiding force behind the storyline, and their relationship does take center stage later on. The romance is in no way secondary, it just takes a long while to fully develop. They most definitely get a happy ending, but you can expect this to be 95% pining.

The story starts out some years after the current events in the MK manga. Pandora hasn't been found yet, and KID is still active. On the other hand, the DC canon is used very loosely; the conflict has long since been resolved. The BO was taken down years before the start of this story.

The two plots aren't too deeply intertwined here, they just intercept at parts. References to DC events appear here and there and some elements and character interactions overlap, but they tend to be minor for the most part. This is primarily a MK story and I wasn't too worried about completely integrating both plotlines (or staying 100% accurate to the DC plot, for that matter).

Of course, because this is MK-centric, Aoko and Akako are involved with the overarching story and have major roles to play.

In terms of DC characters, Masumi, Shiho, Heiji and Shinichi play semi-prominent roles in the story. I've tagged Masumi from the getgo because she appears in the first chapter, but I'll add the others when I get to the little arcs they show up in. Save for some specific contributions they have, they aren't too deeply involved with the overall plot progression, but the interactions Hakuba has with them are important for his character development and his better understanding of his relationship with Kaito. Basically each of these characters gets some sort of little story arc in which they interact with/help Hakuba in some way. I arbitrarily chose who I wanted him to interact with, lol.

Speaking of arbitrary decisions— Miss Masumi!!!! She's the first character that shows up in this and interacts with Hakuba. I understand this is probably a strange choice. Because I really wanted to flesh out Hakuba's detective methods and life in London a little more, I decided to use the very what if headcanon of Hakuba's maternal family and the Sera family being acquainted with each other. Like I said before, I didn't really want to connect DC and MK plots thoroughly, so the Akai family plotline isn't at all relevant here beyond a couple of passing mentions. I was mostly interested in Hakuba having an MI6 connection without the need of using another OC and I just wanted to imagine what a hypothetical dynamic between him and Masumi would be like.

And then, OCs. There's a couple of OCs with pretty major roles here as well. Really major— probably in equal measure to Aoko and Akako. I apologise in advance! I really needed them to properly build the detective/mystery aspect of the plot, and the more I wrote, the more they became involved with the story and relationship progression TT I really enjoyed writing them a lot, and I'm satisfied with how they turned out here. I understand OCs with prominent roles aren't everyone's cup of tea, though. Even though I enjoyed writing them, I'm a little self-conscious about how relevant they ended up being when they were originally just going to be there as a plot device to kickstart things ;;; Hopefully someone can find enjoyment in them nonetheless. They are most heavily involved with the story after the midpoint, but they appear all throughout.

I'm really nervous about the choices to have Masumi and major OCs in this story...I understand it is likely these things will make this story a little too niche. But!!!!!!!!! Again!!!!!!!!!!!!! Having fun with it is what matters most Raffles!!!!!!!!!!!!! Get that through your thick skull!!!!!!!! GRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Also, please expect the most convoluted explanation to Pandora. There is a lot of made up lore I had a blast writing but it's all probably needlessly complicated.

In summary, it's a detective story starring Hakuba that somehow ended up reading like a dramatic post-breakup/getting back together soap opera.

A significant portion of this has been prewritten, so my (ideal) plan is to have weekly or biweekly updates (but hmmmm let's see how long that lasts until I decide to scrap and rewrite everything out of embarrassment— this is very likely, I second-guess myself a lot)

I keep dragging it through the mud, but I've actually had a blast writing it, even though there's A Lot going on and I'm not very confident in it being decent enough to share.

With all that, I hope someone else can maybe find some enjoyment reading it.

[shadyb00ts]

A Chromatica Review

So I never really use Tumblr, but when I do go on here, it’s pretty much to review something long-form. As you can tell from my profile picture here, and from my glowing review of ARTPOP from 7 years ago, I am and have always been a Gaga stan. Just read the melodramatic first paragraph of my ARTPOP review and you’ll get the gist of how much I idolize this woman. Well, idolized. Past tense.

That’s not to say I suddenly hate Gaga–I’m still going to follow her career and listen to whatever she puts out. There have just been several factors this past year that have changed my perspective on how I view her, this album being one of those factors. But I’ll get to those later. First I just need to lay out all my issues with this album.

Yes, this is going to be that type of review, so if you’re a fellow Gaga stan that isn’t able to criticize her work, this probably isn’t for you. Otherwise please read to the end if you can, because this is honestly about more than just the album.

Issue #1: The Mismatch Between Music & Aesthetic

When the cover of the album came out, I was so gagged. Like, just look at it! It’s striking, and Gaga has rarely ever disappointed me when it came to visuals. Actually, I can’t even think of any visual choices she made in previous eras that disappointed me. Even in the Joanne era, the pink cowboy hat became iconic and all of her aesthetic choices fit with the overall vibe of that album cycle.

So naturally, when she revealed to us the new visual direction she was taking for Chromatica, I assumed it would give us some insight into how the music would sound. The aesthetic of this era always gave me grungy cyberpunk and heavy machinery tease. When I look at the album cover for example, I can hear a song produced by SOPHIE in my head, the clink-clank queen herself. (There were rumors that Gaga was going to or did work with SOPHIE but that was never confirmed, unfortunately for us.)

For those unfamiliar with SOPHIE, here’s Ponyboy, which was most recently used in the ad campaign for Beyoncé’s Ivy Park clothing line.

That was the kind of production I was more or less expecting when taking the visuals into account; dark, metallic, basically similar to ARTPOP’s production (to be honest ARTPOP sonically fits better with the Chromatica aesthetic; think about it). 

But what did we get? Light, garden variety dance pop, a stark contrast to what the album cover and the promo images teased us with.

In the album, we get these orchestral interludes that are beautiful but don't really mesh that well with the actual tracks. The songs don't have any orchestral elements by themselves, so the interludes felt a bit misplaced to me. I wish they'd incorporated more of that into the individual songs, so that there could be an orchestral through-line to give more cohesion, like what Ariana did in her album positions by using strings. However I will say, the transition from Chromatica II into 911 remains unmatched.

I get that the album is supposed to sound happy, that it was her returning to her “dance pop roots” and singing about serious topics like mental health over happy-sounding beats, because it’s supposed to reflect her current mental state. I get all that. But if that was the case, I think she should’ve gone with a different visual direction to match. Personally I wish she went a different direction musically instead, but even if it was just the other way around and she changed the aesthetic of this era, my opinion of the album would probably improve slightly, cause at least there would be cohesion between the visuals and the sonics.

I look at that album cover, and promo images like the one below, and then I listen to songs like Fun Tonight or Plastic Doll for example, and there’s a noticeable dissonance there. 

You might be thinking “why are you so hard on her for this?” and I guess it’s because I’ve always held Gaga to a high standard when it comes to how she links those two elements. Think of every era she’s had in the past, and you remember how the visuals always just worked with their respective albums.

And that’s before I’ve even talked about the videos. Oh lord, the videos.

Issue #2: The Videos Are Lackluster (Except For 911)

It started with Stupid Love, the lead single. I had mixed feelings about that song in the beginning, but because I was so thirsty for new music from Gaga at the time, I played that song like hell when it leaked and it was on rotation for a good while. But when Gaga premiered the Stupid Love video, I’m not going to lie; I really didn’t like it.

The whole “shot entirely on iPhone” schtick really did the video a disservice. I’m sorry but it had to be said. If I imagined the video with a higher budget and more of a plotline as opposed to just being a dance video, I think it could’ve worked a lot better and been a decent introduction to not only Chromatica the album, but this fictional world/planet that she’s created. Which by the way, she didn’t really deliver in that regard either. 

The concept of Chromatica being a fictional world could have been expanded on further; she could’ve showcased all of the different factions (I know they were called “tribes” at first but that’s appropriative so I’ll call them factions) and perhaps had an overarching storyline about how these factions are at war, and it’s Gaga’s job as one of the “Kindness Punks”, as she calls it, to bring everyone together for a rave.

This is why I will always say it: Chromatica needed to be a visual album. Just imagine the storyline I mentioned just now being turned into a full-length feature, and now imagine the album’s orchestral intro playing as they’re essentially opening the gates to Chromatica and Gaga discovers this world for the first time, and then it goes into the first song Alice where she’s meeting all the factions and getting acclimated to her surroundings.

Honestly I could go on and on cause I have thought about this for SO LONG now and I’ll never shut up about it. It’s just such a missed opportunity cause the concept was just begging for a visual album. Anyway sorry for my tangent: back to the Stupid Love video.

The whole “shot on iPhone” gimmick really was unfortunate. Like she really ruined the quality of a music video because she wanted that Apple check??? Come on, Gaga, there could’ve been some other way to secure that check.

And then there was the Rain On Me video, which definitely have visuals that are a massive improvement from Stupid Love because it was professionally shot and cinematic. But even that was another purely dance video with not much in the way of storyline. Not that storyline is always required for music videos, but I think specifically when it comes to Chromatica, not having storylines in the M/Vs does a disservice to the overall concept.

I guess my issue with these two music videos, but mostly Stupid Love, is that Gaga isn't fully utilizing her COIN. Like she's successful enough to the point where she has budgets for these videos and can go all out, but doesn't. She has the capacity for extremely high production value, but up until 911, the last video she did that had that level of extraness was G.U.Y. I miss the days when her music videos were an event. I still remember where I was and what I was doing the exact moment the Telephone video came out. That's impact.

Taylor Swift I think is somebody who really knows how to blow her budget on a video. Look What You Made Me Do may have been a terrible song, but I always thought the video was sickening.

Anyway, I have no notes on 911. She's a masterpiece. If there was a music video category at the Oscars, I'd be campaigning for it right now.

Issue #3: Any Other Girly Can Do This

The thing I always loved the most about Gaga's music was that nobody was doing it like her. Everything she put out always felt like it was distinctly hers and hers alone, it's unmistakable. Even in Joanne, despite that album being a major departure from what she normally did.

I know Joanne is a very polarizing album, even for Little Monsters, but personally I've always loved it. Joanne was an album that I always knew she would make and I thought was essential to her career and body of work. Despite her straying away from pop for a more earthy, grass roots sound, it still sounded very much like her music. Even from the first track, Diamond Heart, her DNA is all over that.

It's difficult to explain what exactly I mean when I say there's a certain signature "Gaga-ness" or that she has a very specific DNA injected into her songs. If you've been a fan of hers for a long time or followed her career, you probably understand what I'm referring to. It's the way she laughs maniacally in the beginning of ARTPOP on Aura, how she says "I don't speak German but I can if you like, OW!" and proceeds to recite broken German on Scheiße, how she invented the phrase "disco stick", literally the ENTIRETY of The Fame Monster.

These examples probably give you the gist of what I'm trying to convey. Gaga is fucking weird. She has always been fucking weird and I love that so much about her. And her brand of weirdness was so specific that if any of the other pop girls tried to do what she did, it would have been cringey as hell. To me, the most disappointing thing of all with this album was that this weirdness that was so uniquely hers was missing.

It's there in brief moments, in tracks like Sour Candy, 911 and Babylon, but most of the album doesn't really sound like her music. It sounds like songs that she wrote for other people, like her old unreleased stuff. OG Little Monsters probably remember songs like Second Time Around and No Way. These were leaked unreleased songs that Gaga had written for other artists, and even though they were absolute bops, they didn't sound like her. They weren't supposed to.

A similar feeling I had was when her song The Cure came out a few years ago. I genuinely thought that was something she wrote for someone else, cause even though it was a solid pop song, it absolutely had zero Gaga-ness and any current pop girl could sing it. This pretty much encapsulates how I feel about the majority of Chromatica.

I was gonna say it sounded like songs that were written for Ally, her Star is Born character, but I think even those pop songs from the soundtrack sounded more Gaga than Chromatica does. 💀 I can easily imagine Hair Body Face being on The Fame.

Final Thoughts

It's funny that the last review I had posted on here before this was my review of Kingdom Hearts III. The Kingdom Hearts game series is something that's very near and dear to my heart, and I waited a wholeass decade for the third game to come out. And then it did, and I was so disappointed.

So you know what happened after that? What helped me deal with my disappointment of that game was my anticipation for Chromatica, or at the time it was still called LG6. I had no idea I would feel the same exact way about this album the way I do about KH3. Now when I think of both of these things, I'm mostly frustrated by all of the potential and the missed opportunities, but I also look at them with a certain fondness. I had fun playing KH3, and I also had fun listening to Chromatica, despite both of them disappointing me overall.

In the beginning of this review I said that there were certain factors that have stopped me from idealizing Gaga too much. Firstly it's because I'm much older now, and secondly it's due to the sheer state of the world this past year. The pandemic really precipitated the fall of celebrity culture, and all of that made me really examine how putting someone on such a high pedestal can be damaging in the long run.

Gaga is a human being and I haven't agreed with everything she's done, particularly how she handled the whole R. Kelly situation back in 2013. And also the simple fact that she's a white woman, we know how a lot of the time they can't help but show their asses and are bound to disappoint us in some way. I'm forever grateful for her artistry and how she saved my life when I was a suicidal little eighth grader, but I'm also going to hold her accountable for any of her mistakes, and I'd be ready to stop supporting her entirely if anything she does ever goes too far.

Now I stan artists for fun. It's not healthy to idolize them to the point of revering them. I mean, I like to make jokes like that about Beyoncé, like "no way on Beyoncé's green earth", etc. But even she is just a person that we shouldn't deify for real.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that Chromatica being a lackluster album and era ended up being a good thing, because it helped me grow out of idolizing celebrities too intensely. Chromatica was pretty much the best disappointment I've ever listened to.

If you've read all the way to the end, thank you! Writing this was very therapeutic but also stressful; this is a second draft cause Tumblr fucked up my first post. 😭

Anyway, SAWAYAMA & Ungodly Hour are albums of the year. Argue with the wall.

[officialpavo]

journal entry six

it's tuesday and i'm a little over a week away from my final exam in my foundations of nursing practice class. i'm going to be studying today... hopefully i'll be productive because, well, i don't really have time to be goofing off hahaha.

i'm really just eager to do well and end this school year to be honest... i want to be able to travel already... i hope i do well! i'll study well and prepare for it so that i get good marks. i'm aiming for a high distinction, so, i'm manifesting it right now! high distinctions from here on out until the end of my bachelor's degree!

haven't written an entry in a while but i'm back! i also started working out again yesterday after taking a break for my health. i feel pretty good and i want to feel even better so i'll keep working harder.

before the prompt for today, i just wanted to get something off of my chest. i feel so uncomfortable whenever people demand time from me. i kind of hate it when people feel like they're entitled to my time or to a fast reply or whatever. i guess, i just feel like the only people who could demand that from me are the members of my family. otherwise, please, respect my time or the fact that i don't want to talk right now. anyway, i don't know, maybe it's just something that's been bothering me these days and maybe it'll go away.

here's today's prompt:

How does every part of my body feel in this moment?

In this moment... hmm... overall, I feel pretty okay. Functional and healthy enough to work and not laze around all day haha. Let's talk about this from the ground up.

My feet... they feel a bit stiff. I want to be able to walk more and be more active but that's not really possible during this pandemic... everyone has to stay indoors and well, it's safer being inside. I try to move more by exercising though so I guess that's good.

My legs... they feel fine... they feel strong since I've been using the stationary bike and they have to exert a lot of effort then. I feel like I could run right now hahaha.

My thighs... they're okay too. They feels a bit big for me... but that's just me. I'd like to slim them down, but that'll happen in due time. I guess I just have to be patient.

My hips feel a bit sore. Maybe it's the weight of carrying my torso or maybe it's my posture when I'm sitting down.

My abdomen feels soft. It's gotten a bit big over the pandemic but it's also gotten a bit smaller this year due to me eating better and exercising more frequently. I hope it gets slimmer too.

My upper back is sore too. For some reason, I think the way I sleep makes it sore? Also, I guess, My posture also does something to it. I'm trying to be more aware of my posture though! I'm trying not to slouch so much hahaha.

My neck feels a bit stiff but not painful. Just the same amount of stiffness as my upper back but nothing too serious. There's tension on my nape though.

My head... feels a bit woozy. It's been like this for days... maybe it's my screen time or something. Maybe I've just been out of my head for a while and that's why I feel a bit disconnected from everything. Either way, me and this head will have to work hard today and the following days so that we achieve our goals. Here's to that!

Gratitude for today:

I'm grateful for good clothes. I love clothes. And also, my family.