#but i never fucking do anything with them!!!!!!!! whats my problem why am i like this!
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Who are you. How did you get out of prison in the first place im wondering?
they let me out. People like me Emma. They tend to turn a blind eye to the bad things i do.
why? Because theres not enough evidence to convict of anything. Orbthe witnesses died mysteriously. The one police officer said you know every killer in this city personally. I dont associate with that type of person in this city. Or any city. I read about you people or see you in movies or on tv. I dont sleep with you. I had no idea your problems were this big and bad.
too late there. Ha ha ha.
You think everythings funny i get that.
No i dont. I just have to laugh. And yeah i know people but fo you thnk id really be hrre if i fid yhe things people i sell drugs to do in this town? Who do you yhonk buys the drugs. Nit kids not lil girks not the people here i have the good dtudff i deal with hardened criminals. I am not one myself. I have had yo defend myself and my friends once or teice thats it.
what and someone died. And your a good drug dealer. What you just said makes it eorse. You know the difference between right and wrong yiu just font give a fuck for money. Maybe you dont sell to anyone here maybe you do from what i heard.
hardened criminals.
i feel bad for you. Worse than i do for those hardened criminals. A lot if yhrm vome from horrible backgrounds. Youre the eorse person who is organized with otber lazy spoiked rich kids out in south eindsor who youve corrupted into growing and hiding and selling stugs for you everywhere. Where do uou yhink those drugs go after you sell large smounts of them yo those poor people? To tye people im trying to help. Oh my God im do stupid. I have horrible taste in nen its yhe only real oroblem i have. I asked other people. Youre dudlected of cold blooded murder you are an expert car thief and break and enter artist. Youre violent. Youre sn armed robber. An gun smuggler with vonnections in Michigan God what else font i know?
no secmxusl charges. No reallybweird shit or eoman abuse or pimping. And im ex all these things by the way if its even true. Never been proved.
youre sn asshole.
yeah but i maje tou laugh and cum and im funny.
so what thats a two week affair. Now i see you are the reason i do this and that is not good. Get out of ky office. I dont want you comng near ne. Yiull see Jasper now concrrning your file. Hes gonna love you.
not like you do though.
i dont live you infuckn hate you.
thats ehat they all say. But ya dont. Ya hate life.
emma stone
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dreamscape by nct dream: the review
— preface: i am still a relatively new fan, so i don't recognize all their voices yet. i also do not speak korean, nor am i fluent by any means. this review is solely based on vibes, instrumentals, and english phrases. the translations are not out yet at my time of posting this. this being said, this review is also for shits and giggles, and i could be entirely wrong. however, this is my opinion and my review, so if it bothers you, write your own. special thanks to our favorite dreamzen, @jenoslutie , for helping me with vocal recognition.
— details. release date: november 11, 2024. # of songs: 11 total listening time: 34 minutes note: eleven songs...released on 11/11..i see you. — overall rating: 9.2/10. favorite songs are marked with ☆, regardless of rating.
— track 1: INTRO : DREAMSCAPE rating: 8/10 thoughts: guitar in the beginning is nice. this is sweet. i don't know who is who but i assume that haechan was the second vocalist in the beginning. "trying to wake up, up, up. fly away." was adorable. this beat was very cute and warm, in my opinion, while still keeping their sort of edm/trance trademark.
— track 2: When I'm With You rating: 9.8/10 live reaction: love this beat, what? i don't know enough korean but this shit feels like men yearning, based on the english parts and their tones alone. the syncopations for "when i'm with you" are really good and smooth. 1:49-1:56 WHO IS THAT??? (it was haechan) "when i'm with you…day and night…" VS "when i'm with you…i'm so blind.." oh you're in LOVEEE!!! 2:50-3:00 WHO ARE THOSE TWO??? (it was renjun and haechan, then jeno) whoever didn't like this is fucking stupid. it's fun and funky and a little refreshing.
— track 3: Flying Kiss rating: 10/10 live reaction: "like a fanta-zzzzzy" BRO? "baby i know that you love me." oh my? that's so…this beat CHANGE HOLD UP! "I LOVE YOU FOREVER" OOOOH OMG THEY'RE EATING WAIT!? these beat changes are GOOD! it changes the vibe for a moment then right back, it's like a rollercoaster dip. "girl you're my DREAM." who is fucking him bc they're doing a GOOD job. the way they're throwing in "i love you forever!" is so boyfriend sneaking out of his gf's house because she has school the next day and blowing her kisses type shit. this is VERY cute.
— track 4: i hate fruits ☆ rating: 10/10 live reaction: BERRY TASTE TASTE TASTE? i like this instrumental a lot. "trynna hate you" i love when a man cannot admit to himself that he likes a girl. i love that, because it's so obvious that he DOES. "lo-lo-love you so bad." THAT'S WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT WHATTTT I LOVE YEARNING? "love is super sweet, sweet, sweet, sweet in my mouth" that's fucking cute as fuck what the hell. "whole world mine, you're mine" HELPPPP JAFBSLJCKBHLFB THATS SO CUTE AWWWWW WHAT THE HECK GUYS!! "like a grapefruit, sweet and sour" OMGGGGGGG!!!
— track 5: No Escape rating: 10/10 live reaction: this beat is eating. that ricochet sound in the back is GOOD, that'll get stuck in your head fr. this is a song that makes you feel like you're drowning in someone else's problems because you're listening about them and don't really know what to do, forward slash can't do anything about them because you're on the outside. so really, it's like watching THEM drown. even though none of them have writing credits for this one, i get it. "never know why this anxiety keeps coming for me" is a serious statement but the way they've mixed this, it just sounds like a warning, if that makes sense. musical genius here.
— track 6: Best of Me rating: 8/10 live reaction: oh fuck this instrumental already fucks. are all these songs just about yearning? do these boys get no pussy? ….nvm this shit is definitely about sex bro, and if not, at least some sort of intimate moment. haechan writing cred, love that, good boy. this is good! i like their beat a lot for this.
— track 7: YOU rating: 8.5/10 live reaction: this beat is nice and mellow. this is yearning, actually. this is like, actual true pining. "i'm in you" can be understood as sexual, and while i'm sure it is, it also is said…like, in an emotional way. "i'm in you" in your heart, "i'm in you" in who you are as a person, "i'm in you" in the way that you buy takeout and get my favorite dishes even though i'm not there. "i'm in you" in the way you listen to our playlists when you miss me, "i'm in you" in the way that there is a piece of me in you, and a piece of you in me because we're lovers and bound together by the love we feel. this is good, i like the fact that they'll never confirm that it's about sex because there is also so many other ways to process it, and i like the beat change when that part of the song started for mark. good job.
— track 8: Heavenly ☆ rating: 8/10 live reaction: "heavenly, heavenly, heavenly, yeah." was SO pretty. this vocal tone is beautiful, very soft but still coming in with that rap that holds purpose. that's good, i like the tonal switch up between not just their voices but the parts of the song. the instrumental is a solid 7/10 but they definitely know how to bring it higher, with the vocals it's a good 9.5/10. should be longer, in my opinion!! i love the way they say heavenly.
— track 9: Night Poem ☆ rating: 9/10 live reaction: another nice and mellow beat, this is good! this is also definitely about sex, "babe every morning, every night, everyday". this isn't about one night stand sex, casual sex, fwb sex, this is 'i'm in love with you and the universe conspired to help me find you' sex. this is 'i wanna make babies and have a two-story house and a golden retriever with you' type sex song. their tone is so soft and pretty, can never say they're bad vocalists because that'd just be a fucking lie. WHOEVER THE FUCK DID THAT SPOKEN PART AT THE END NEEDS THEIR DICK SUCKED.
— track 10: Off The Wall ☆ rating: 10/10 live reaction: i'm not sure why, but the beginning of this instrumental reminded me of highway to heaven. however, this is very funky and i love that DOWNNNN. this is something you get FUNKY to, i'm talking you play this at the roller rink and skate with your lover. but also, this is 'off the wall,' in love with you. 'off the wall,' obsessed with you. 'off the wall,' losing my mind because i want you so bad. this could also not be about love at all, instead telling listeners to just 'let loose, live your life, who gives a FUCK'. that's hot shit, i love that. good job.
— track 11: Rains in Heaven ☆ rating: 10/10 live reaction: this is a PRETTY song. this is directed at everyone and anyone, but again, can be thought of as a song for a lover. this is so, so sweet and encouraging. this beat is so melodious and their voices are soft and gentle and reassuring. this can be an inspo for a friends-to-lovers fic, something where one of them goes through so many struggles and they're vocal about them but the other does their own stuff in silence until they break? idk. this is very very sweet and cute and i think that it adds to the fact that they can dominate just about any concept. "crawl then we walk so we run" is SO encouraging, because the world is just chronically depressed. THAT HIGH NOTE WHO IS THAT OMG? ATEEE!! the fact that mark has a writing cred for this song also eats, I knew that guy had a soft heart. aw. i hope he knows he's loved. "i love the, the way you are" is so sweet and reassuring. awwww ugh this was so cutie.
— closing thoughts: despite not being new to kpop and casually listening to nct/wayv for a handful of years, i think i still have a lot to learn. however, with dreamscape being my first comeback as a dreamzen, i cannot say i'm disappointed. i've seen an array of opinions on the album, with a lot of negative feedback about the album, the concept, the lyrics, and the instrumental. it's not the vibe, and i genuinely think that if you didn't like it, you simply didn't get it. and that's okay - but making it a point to send hate and say that the album wasn't good/was 'trash' in order to make it known that you didn't get it is a stretch. i hope those of you who took the time to listen and understand the album enjoyed it just as much as i did.
this being said, the album was a mix of really, really melodic songs and comfort, with no escape and off the wall being two of the songs that throw you off course in the best way. the funky mix of off the wall and when i'm with you compliments the overall vibe of the album, and no escape adds an edge right in the middle. intro: dreamscape keeps that staple nct edm vibe, where it's just noise but it is still very soft and it really makes you zero in on the instrumentals.
overall, this album showcases a mix of love songs, inspiring songs, and a sprinkle of something human. each of these songs has that human touch, and has a feeling that you can either relate to or someone around you can relate to - or even better, something you can yearn for. it shows growth, and what can be deemed as an 'escape' into the softer, more intimate parts of adulthood. they really hit the mark on this one, and i look forward to settling more into their little nook of the music world.
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@fushiglow hmm….wonder who i’d draw this for all of a sudden and why… 🤔🤔
#your reblog surprised me#THREE BUNS SUGURU (STAR WARS ER JUST FOR YOU!)#theyre covering riko or smt and smuggling her places (??)#drawing this i was like ‘oh suguru’s curses in a star wars environment should be robots and stuff#so this suguru is a mecanic (he makes them from scrappy parts people have thrown out#and trash materials (and hard work 😎)#diy pokemon#because what is the cursed energy people are letting out if not junk theyre letting go of#so yeah ; basic geto takes shit and turns it useful#i do realise thats already very generic for star wars (junk robots junk robots!) but like. yknow. this guy takes shit people wouldnt bother#trying to sell. miam. junk of the junk. geto my favourite recycling bin you were designed for a luxurious lifestyle clearly (gege not me!)#(and stuff…………. but im lazy to put my vision in words rn hah..)#gojo’s probably a princess#(let’s not lie. hes basically a prince already (clan heir is a different look on him))#this made me want to write ?.??#problem is i dont remember much about star wars (watched it as a kid (we have the cds) appart from the very basic storyline… i forgot 😔#then theres the jawa’s first appearance cuz for some reason they scared me and i am marked for life (THEYRE JUST SILLY LITTLE GUYS 😭😭))#thankfully i lowkey want to rewatch everything so these issues can be fixed#(unthankfully either way the chance of me writing anything is very slim BUT WE NEVER KNOW RIGHT)#(hashtag diverging your attention from that other older post is it working /j/j)#omg glo i still didnt read balance (i think of it from time to time but im intimidated to read it because i know its right up my alley and#that i will love it and lately idk why but i need to ready myself emotionally to read peak fiction (this is so dumb but its true 😭😭))#my bad im rambling lol#WAIT FUCK SAME THING FOR BUNNY’S RECENT THINGY THAT GOT IN MY AO3 UPDATE MAIL#A LOVE STORY TOLD THROUGH THE LENS OF A THIRD PARTY MY BELOVED#(itsg ive searchef for these types of stories in advanced search before#AND NOW THAT I HAVE SOME BY AUTHORS I ALREADY ADORE .. IM- I SEE THEM BUT. THEIR CONTENTS STAY A MYSTERY. IS THIS MY BODY SUBCONSCIOUSLY FI#FIGHTING THE TEAR LOSS I WOULD GET??? IS THIS MFING [BALLING-MY-EYES-OUT] PREVENTION !? WITHOUT MY PERMISSION..!? TCH!)#my bad. ramble again o7 — see ya glo !#wip
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The whole "if a person is mad at you it's their responsibility to tell you" thing just made me realize how fucked my situation is. Like just. woah
#who wants to hesr the story of how I lost my irl friends recently (you will I'm spitting everything right now)#anyway so last year one day one of my friends decided to randomly backstab me and she started talking behind my back#and yeah this all made me mad because?? what the fuck#she started talking and revealing stuff that i had confide to her to other people and they slowly started drifting from me#BUt the thing here is that she was manipulating the story. she changed it every time she told stuff to people to make me look bad#i heard one of the things she said about me once and i was like ?? she even make me dislike me in her version which like woa#anyway I didn't understand why she did that because it was ? so random? and then she started ignoring me and has not talked to me ever since#the thing is. she apparently didn't have enough with just doing that. she slowly started to rot my other friends' brains too?#in the sense that. suddenly the rest of my group was ignoring me too. they never said anything to me. or stated that they had a problem#they just ignored me in my face? and yeah that. hurt#recently i found thanks to a third party that one of them decided to stop talking to me because apparently i had hurt her uncountable times#and she was just soo sick and tired of me doing that. which. honestly made me mad because she did not ever express that to me?? so#what was i supposed to do. if she never said anything.#anyway one of my friends confronted her about the treatment they were giving to me. the whole exclusion thing. and her answer was-#”well it's not my fault that she doesn't have more friends and doesn't talk to people”#and i was like. woah. what a poor reply. is that really it.. also apparently they all had agree to stop talking to me as a group-#-and they never informed me so. thank you?#and I'm still here asking what i did to that ex friend of mine. later on i found out she had hooked up with the guy i used to like btw#and she kept it secret. oh and then i started dating my current partner ! person she also felt attracted to. and that's my only explanation.#she started gossiping after what happened with the first guy. so that's really everything that comes to mind as a reason#ANYWAY now that i was at the hospital i didn't receive a single text from any of them. so i guess that was it. people who don't care-#-like that are not friends. those people are not my friends. people who ignore me on purpose and gossip like that are not. my friends#so yeah that's why I've been feeling down lately but ! here I am i ended up ranting so. much#rant#vent#?#woah i actually feel so much better after spitting it all#I'm also following that sour grape advice btw I'm not giving them the privilege of cutting me out. I'M the one who dislikes them now
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trying to decipher if the overwhelming dread & Thoughts are cause of the state of the world or cause i need a shower.
vent post in the tags. idk. do whatever 👍
#sorry bros im about to ventpost in these mf tags 👍#im so fucking tired man. im already suicidal to begin with but the Everything happening is making it Worse. Yippe Yahoo Hooray.#therapy in a week though so ive got that at least.#this is the worst time of year for shit to go south.but Uh Oh saying that makes me feel like a selfish fuckass because other people -#- have it worse. like. god fucking damn. i get Extra suicidal around september -> march range sure. but other people are literally suffering#like as we fucking speak. and ive done fuckall to help cause i dont know HOW to help. but thats not a fucking excuse#im just being comfortable in my lazy ass depression spiral cause im a selfish fucking prick. ���i cant spare the energy to vett things”#other people are fucking dying and im over here like “noo im too tiwed :( i cant do anyfing so im not gona do anyfing cuz im wazy and tiwed”#what the fuck is wrong with me lmao. knowing me im not gona change shit anyway despite fucking complaining about it cause im just. fucking#Like That.#idk. i was reblogging some of those “hold in there dont kill yourselves” posts cause like. yk. suicide bad or fucking whatever. but someone#on this site said something along the lines of “ok but how many people reblogging/posting these told jews to kill themselves” and like.#i dont know. i dont fucking know dude. so i guess im not reblogging Those anymore.#theres bigger issues out there and here i am focusing on some queer people who might kill themselves. idk. i should just join them yk#cause i never fucking focus on the bigger shit cause “i dont know how” and “i dont want to make things worse so i just wont do anything” so#im not doing fuckall other than just being part of the fucking problem here.#i should probably just delete social media for a while and see from there.#or just fucking drink about it thats the other option. its worked for me before (lie) so i may as well do it again am i right#im sorry i never like. boost gofundmes or fundraisers and shit i just.#i dont have a fucking excuse. im just a lazy fucking bastard in my own stupid fucking comfort circle.#“oh no seeing that people are dying makes me uncomforyable :(” ok well people are fucking dying you self absorbed douchebag. why cant you#get off your stupid fucking ass and do something. get a job so you can fucking help people or *something#its not like you have to pay rent and shit.#<- all about myself. cause yk. self centered douchbag. hooray.#i dont pay rent and i dont have to pay for my own food. i still live with my parents. im fucking useless to society so i may as well get a#job and send the money i dont fucking need to somrone who DOES need it. but here i am.#in.my stupid fucking bed til noon cause “the world is scary and jobs are hard :(”#its fucking retail. retail isnt as fucking hard as like. construction and shit but here i am anyway “unable” to do shit.#i fucking could if i just fucking ballsed up and put up with shit. but no. here i fucking am going “nooo i should just kill myself instead”#vent post
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...
#well. today was a nice day of not doing anything but drawing really. theres an au where i went to art school and am a happier person lol#except not really bc im sure my head would ruin that too. anyway. its a shame i have to return to the pain tomorrow. i have so much to grade#plus a paper to write plus data to work with. a protocol to figure out. and an exam to study for and a final project thatll kill me#god. i also have to get ready for lab Monday. christ. and what shall i say to my therapist Tuesday? well we could try to tackle the deep set#looming issue that prevents me from getting better in our tiny 50min session or i could be like listen. just fucking listen. let me give u#the case 4 and against me having adhd so i can stop feeling fucking nuts. just like give me feedback. ya kno?#it would b inattentive bc im not hyper unless im losing my mind and bordering on hyp0mania. but my focus is something i cant control#executive functioning has always been a problem but now im so worn down im in danger of actual consequences. and its not just things i dont#wanna do. im not just anxiously avoiding. i cant start tasks and stick with them. i flip back and forth and get nothing done. i spiral#sometimes for hours. im not doing anything fun im just not doing anything. frozen in anguish. i dont even wanna think abt how much money ive#lost by not filling out reimbursement sheets which arent hard to do. theyre easy i just never do them. why??? i dont fucking kno. but im not#forgetful. im thinking constantly abt these things. i just cant make them happen. theyre stuck buffering. i do have memory issues tho#my short term working memory is like that of a literal child. so i cant follow complex instructions. i constantly need new info. constantly#need sound. spoken words plus music at the same time. but the main reason i need an answer to this is the reading issue. which is that im#dyslexic but also my thoughts r like an interfering frequency. without realizing ill b thinking and not reading. its a problem no matter#what im reading. its severely disruptive. i will physically read out loud to try to hold my attention in place and still get distracted by#my own head. do u kno how frustrating it is to read something aloud 3 times and not know wtf u just read bc u arent thinking abt anything#interesting u would rsther b reading but u can't fucking pay attention long enough. genuinely if its not adhd and i cant get medication to#fix my focus issues i dont kno wtf im gonna do. im so bad at reading and its extremely frustrating. but is it just dyslexia? idk what i#described doesn't fucking seem normal or like a reading problem. sounds like a focus issue. so riddle me that#idk ive got adhd on both sides of my family plus my focus fluctuates with ny hormones plus homones possibly induce hyp0mania. like i mean#ive got other issues which make a diagnosis difficult to parse but like i feel like that's decent evidence for possibly adhd? my friend said#she was always worried she had a brain tumor before she was diagnosed. to me ive always felt like my brain is full of holes. im missing the#parts that would let it operate correctly. the frontal lobe is just fucked. ugh. i wonder how much accommodation i could get from the#disability office if i actually went to them. i wont bc im fucked up and i dont think they could actually do anything for me at this stage#but alas im curious. ugh. y do i do this to myself? i kno y but not enough time for that in 50min. bad attitude mostly. half my brain#just craves death. the other half is just trying to tread water but its hard with someone trying to drown u. so its all fucked#unrelated
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For once I would like to work at a place where me calling off doesn't result in a guilt trip. Sorry I'm the only responsible employee there but I was literally hyperventilating at the idea of letting my manager down bc I woke up and instantly started bawling about everything and could not face work. And my stomach has been murdering me from all the anxiety I've been dealing with so I literally can barely function anyway.
#like it is not my fault our newest employee can't remember anything. i trained her for over a month honestly. she still can't remember where#half the buttons on the screen are or what they do. I'm half convinced she has dementia bc she's asked me multiple times what year it is#when she was doing her paperwork. like even at my first job i was left alone more than my boss will let this woman. she refuses to let her#close alone. and like i know it'll go bad. but it is not my responsibility to babysit a 65 year old. i trained her and i know i trained her#well bc the other 2 people i trained did not have this amount of issues. i am not an assistant. your shitty company will not give me that#position even though i asked. i am the same rank as everyone else working there and i cannot have anymore stress right now or i will fucking#quit. the other girl that works here just got her wisdom teeth out and she'll be down for the count. not like she was much use anyways. but#i do not understand why my manager is making it all my problem when i taught our new employee everything. i was working by myself here for#entire shifts by the time i was here a month. the store might burn down if she does but Jesus Christ not everything is my responsibility#when my manager isn't there. I'm not the fucking assistant. I'm a fucking cashier. like I'm about to stop doing all the things i was doing#to try to get them to promote me to assistant. cause it obviously didn't fucking work. not gonna go around and make a list of everything#expiring this month. not gonna obsessively organize and stock the cooler. I'm tired of being the only one that does it and does it right#anyway. it's so fucking exhausting. like last week i was so anxious and upset i was throwing up. i couldn't have gone to work if i tried.#now I'm just over being the useful one bc it never got me fucking anywhere.
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#i do not want to work tomorrow i want to lay in bed and be sad#i’m really realizing how miserable of a person i am i am always fucking Sad and when i do feel happy i cry when it’s over#and i can’t even resemble a human being without medication and i know that’s fine but i’m still always sad. it doesn’t go away#i feel like nobody deserves to have me weighing them down like i’ve cried in front of people three times this week and i know it’s fine#but i feel so fucking guilty about it and i feel guilty about everything i feel like i’m doing nothing right and i’m not dealing with thing#right and i’m not living right and i feel like it must be so fucking difficult to love me and i don’t know how people do it#i don’t even feel capable of asking for. any sort of love ever#i feel like i don’t deserve like anything. i feel like nobody actually wants to do things for me lol#every single dsy i’m like wow i want to be held and every single dsy i feel bad even asking for a hug from someone#when i need reassurance i’m afraid to ask because what if i’m just being annoying and overbearing and too much Bad#i never feel like too much good. only bad.#i know a lot of these shitty thoughts are just because i’ve been unmedicated (meds will be ready tomorrow lol) but it just like#it sucks to know medication just kinda hides these thoughts better and that deep down i feel like this because i don’t want to#i feel like everyone in my life doesn’t deserve someone who doubts everything all the time#i think my mother deserved a stronger daughter and i think my friends deserve someone that’s not always breaking and i just don’t feel Good#i don’t know why anyone keeps me around#sometimes i feel selfish for sticking around and that sounds so awful and i’m not gonna act on it but i just feel like a waste of a person#the last week has been so good and now i’m just a fucking mess and i feel so fucking guilty about that :)#i feel like no matter what i always just default to miserable#i don’t feel like i’m doing enough at all#i’m struggling in school i don’t work enough i can barely take care of myself#like i wouldn’t even properly take care of myself if taylor wasn’t helping me i feel so guilty about that all the time#i feel so guilty for even thinking any of this right now and i’m trying to remind myself that i’m unmedicated and i’ve had a long day#and my best fucking friend just went back home and i’m allowed to be sad about that but i just. feel like i’m making excuses i guess#it’s not immoral to be sad but maybe when i’m wanting to die all the time i’m the problem. idk#anyway i’m gonna go to sleep and i’m gonna try to convince myself tomorrow will be better#sndnsksjkakejdkalwosjhdkwosjdjsk. i will be fine
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Kids normally take showers now, but small fry has strep and flu both so when he asked for a bath I was like whatever you want kid. But nothing like a bath to really show you how long and skinny your kid is and you definitely have two KIDS and now babies, toddlers, preschoolers... Those stages are gone never to come back.
#and it's one thing to worry about fucking them up as babies (did i hold you too much should i have let you be more independent)#and toddlers (they both fell down at least half a flight of stairs made them both cry with an outburst once)#and preschoolers (i swear to zweet JESUS IF YOU DO NOT STOP WHINING never actually came out of my mouth but it came close)#but kids... i for sure am too tough on t dude and probably not hard enough on small fry and i worry I haven't taught them enough about#being kind and loving to everyone while also standing up for others and needing to get consent from people#and like stand up for what you believe but be careful what enemies you make because god knows if that person has a gun#like thinking about all of it its impossible to do all of it#and watching them make mistakes is hard seeing them disappointed is hard#should i have intervened did i just cause a fork in the road that will make life infinitely harder?#wow this escalated quickly#i had a great childhood my parents are amazing but not without issue but i don't fault them at all#the current problems I'm facing in my brain are all mine and nothing they did#but what if... i fuck up my kids#I would not trade these two for anything they mean absolutely everything to me#and I know why i wanted more#but it is not for the feint of heart and i will never fault anyone for not wanting to have kids#just like I would hope people don't fault me for choosing to have kids#anyway#sorry about this#personal nonsense
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Don't you think it's a bit sad how socially if you're bad at something or something doesn't go your way you can talk about it freely and everyone is sympathetic and when something finally goes right everyone cheers
But if things usually go well for you you're supposed to shut up about it lest it sounds like you're bragging or trying to make others feel miserable and when something finally goes wrong everyone calls that "karma", is happy about your misfortune or tells you to suck it up because "everything else goes great for you why do you care"
I don't know I suppose I'm just a privileged whiny child that is upset that something isn't as good as she wanted it to be
#my post#babbling blue#personal#do not reblog#stars its just#i got some news that i should be happy and proud of but here i am thinking#'thats all?'#its like with little children when people remind themselves#'well its the biggest problem they had to face YET of course theyre treating it like ots important even when its not'#except the older you get the less it still applies#because im just an adult who has never had anything bad happen to them in their life#and now every little inconvenience is a disaster to me#so yeah the best answer i can count on is 'its not such a big problem dont worry <3'#if thats not privilege than i dont know what is#stars there are people my age who have to fight every day for survival physically and mentally#and here i am crying because im actually useless and not as smart as i thought i was boo fucking hoo#thats a reason why others would cry about me not i myself#stars why am i narcissistic enough to see everyone as worse than me but not enough to not notice my flaws
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Depressed depressed depressed
#personal#personal post#I am so fucking frustrated at myself I don’t know what to do#in that cartoon of the ADHD blockage#like I just cannot get myself to do anything#partly because I deeply don’t want to interact with my flatmates (no shade to them I just don’t want to talk rn)#but I just#why can’t I do anything#I feel both like I’m about to cry and like I could be stabbed and feel fucking nothing#I hate this feeling so fucking much#can’t tell if I’ve accidentally triggered meds withdrawal again as well#WHy couldn’t I just get up this morning#aghhh I’m finding it very hard to give myself grace when myself is the source of the problems#I just want a hug and one of my friends to tell me I’ll be okay but I don’t have it in me to reach out#and I’m not making a depressing close friends instagram story again#I’m not that bad yet#but I am very much not able to use words right now#like I can type but I currently can’t speak#and I never know how to explain the feeli bc#for me it’s a bit tied to dissociation#it’s a bit like being in a bubble?#bc also taking in any audio is weird#I can usually break out of it with a little time w headphones in#I could’ve used my days off to try and reach out and set up a support system or go do stuff#instead I have been in meds withdrawal then did some house chores then a migraine#I’d like to do something of use today#I will try to give myself Grace for like an hour and a half and hope that’s enough for this feeling to fade#and hopefully not too much that I feel like I’ve pissed away the day#idk man idk what’s wrong with me#depression
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my tags got out of hand
i keep thinking about hobbies and how i often spill over myself to pick up new ones. i have adhd, i end up trying something for like a month and then just getting far enough in it that i move on, satisfied.
and that should be fine; but it's never fine.
i am a pretty decent artist; but i can't just make art for my dnd campaign, i should be selling dnd maps and character designs and scene setting pieces. i can't just make my friends matching earrings, i need to get an etsy and ship them internationally and take bulk orders. i make pretty good props and decorations and use them to throw my friends parties - but i should be running a party planning business and start taking paying clients and networking and putting my skills to actual use.
for some reason, i never figured out the specifics of pottery. it was a fun class and i enjoyed myself - and still, i'm embarrassed, years later, that i put in all that useless effort. everything i make has to be stunning. stellar. i should have applied myself more. maybe i'm too lazy. maybe i'm broken and selfish and needy. actually creative people would have kept going; they would be bettering themselves at every possible opportunity.
we find ourselves in this trap, even accidentally: we need to commodify our time, because it is a commodity. if we spend our efforts and our time not earning, isn't that the same thing as burning free money? and god forbid you ever take up a hobby that ends up being more expensive than you thought. you sit in your car and you look at the receipt and in your head you hear a conversation that isn't even happening - your mom or your friend or your partner all saying oh great. not this shit again. it's always something with you, and it never actually means anything.
i have realized this horrible thing, recently - i'll get excited to start a project, pick up a new hobby. and then i just... stop myself. i start thinking about the amount of time it will take, and how it'll look in my monthly budget. what if i can't even produce a good enough final product. sure, it's exciting to think about how i could make my friend her own custom dice. but i'm just polluting the earth if i don't get it right. better not bother. better not try.
restless, i get caught in the negative space. the feeling that oh god, i want to create. and that horrible sense - yeah, but i don't have the time to just put to waste.
#oh my god i’m not the only person in the whole world who has Struggles and Difficulties#i am in pharmacy school which means i have no money no time etc and so every single thing that would bring an iota of joy or escape#must be cut for time because you haven’t studied for your exam next month so no you cannot start watching that the show.#and because you missed the deadline two weeks ago for that group project that the others did for you there will be no sitting at the piano#also you made a c and not a b on the exam yesterday so maybe instead of ordering takeout like you said you were going to#(because you know that you don’t buy real food on the rare occasion you go to the grocery store)#instead you’re gonna have to pick through your bare cabinets and empty fridge freezer for something. or just not eat#like you sometimes do#this is not a problem bc you’ve saved your money which you can’t afford to waste#that’s what they told you when you started: tell your friends you can’t see them much because a doctoral program is a time commitment#they said: you need to quit your side hustles and get an internship#they said: you need to ask for cleaning supplies for your birthday—and clothes and shoes bc tuition is very expensive#this isn’t some deficiency on your part. everyone else lives in isolation with no hobbies or entertainment too.#the only difference is that THEY spend all that time studying and reviewing and working and preparing—#while YOU are laying in bed all day because the thought of writing that paragraph is nauseating and tomorrows exam is slowly enveloping you#and you can tell because you had to retake those 2 classes and you have to retake another one this summer.#never mind that you still don’t know anything. just keep playing the part. stay afloat until this week’s exam is over#then you can worry about next week’s exams#(you WILL worry about next week’s exams)#learning the ukulele isn’t going to ease your stress it’s just gonna make you feel guilty#what do you mean you already feel guilty because you’ve pulled the ukelele out exactly twice since mom gave it to you for christmas?#that webseries updates 4 times a week. can you honestly tell me that you have 4 hours a week where you don’t feel shame#about not exceeding expectations anymore?#i thought not. close your compute— you didn’t even take it out of your bag.#do you ever take it out of your bag at home?#you don’t.#well i can see why you’re such a fucking failure#it’s 3:27 am but i won’t bother telling you to shower or brush your teeth- i know you don’t do that.#you went to bed three and a half hours ago now it’s time to sleep#maybe we’ll see what tomorrow has for us
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i don't know what to do about the fact that there are a few people that i follow because i like their content who are vehemently against voting. like i know why there's the sentiment but at the same time, as someone who can't vote, it's pretty fucking hard for me to see people who are not only refusing to do so but who are acting as if both candidates are the same caliber of a problem. legitimately i am worried that if trump is reelected, i'm going to have to leave the country and move elsewhere. it has been proven that his rise to power would lead to the rise of fascism across the world because it happened the last time he was elected.
it's hard for me to see this stuff. i can't even vote and yet i see people who are perfectly able, throwing that away because they're treating voting like a personal statement rather than a decision to make for the greater good.
#not gonna make this rebloggable#it's just really pissing me off. because i don't want to unfollow these people because i know them at least somewhat#and i know at least one of them is probably doing it because they feel extremely bad about being at all privileged and rb super guilty stuff#and that's because they feel guilty but at the same time. it's hard for me. especially because of the ocd#and it's especially fucking hard because my fate is in the hands of a bunch of people who don't give two shits about actual solutions#just people who like to complain that there's problems and then never put anything forth to fix them#oh both sides are bad? why am i going to probably lose access to the only minor amounts of gender affirming care i get under trump then?#like could you just think for five fucking seconds about who's going to get hurt? voting is a right. a right that not everyone has#and you're going to just throw it away because if not everything is perfect then we should just burn it to the ground i guess#who cares if people are going to get hurt right? let's just let society burn and oh fuck everyone who's gonna die if that happens#what's your problem?#idk. it's just a lot right now. and it's hard for me to watch people act like voting doesn't matter#it does. it really does. i remember what it was like under trump. every single stupid fucking scandal. you really want him back?#i don't want to unfollow them. but at the same time i just wish they could shut the fuck up sometimes. -_-
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Oh yeahhhh
If I dont want to write a scene i can just skip it
Keep up audience
#readers keep up!!!#my stuff#truly a fucking revolutionary lesson drawn from 'she who becomes the sun' like#i am NOT joking#this seems obvious to some maybe but to me never#if you dont want to write that scene - then do not - just write a scene you do want to write#ofc this doesnt always work bc lots of times you kinda need to know whats happened before#i guess...?#was that my problem#i keep thinoing about the star wars acolyte show and that guy who kills that kid... and im just like.... the main char didnt kill him?#because of honour????????#i mean id hide behind that excuse too#anything would seem like a good reason not to kill a guy if that meant i didnt have to kill him but also#the guy killed a kid for like no reason#and hes a super powerful wizard guy#if i was a jedi id dedicate my life to how to make a force user unable to use the force#the problem is that theres no way to take away a force user's power without killikln them apparently#she who became the sun i think it is#the key is you can SKIP whats tripping you up - why and how did it happen#IT JUST HAPPENED YOU DONT SEE IT ITS AMBIGUOUS aceept it and people do
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so much of my past art is such a love letter to humanity and yet they keep betraying me and wonder why I hate them so much now
#was it all perfect? no. but it was still better than anyone will give me credit for 😒#maybe humans never even deserved my love.#its really sad to see my love for humans visually decline in my art as I draw them less and less#but like. what can ya do. I can't love a species that hurts me.#i hate feeling so jaded against humans but I just... cant bring myself to feel anything else at this point#I tried again and again and again to give the benefit of the doubt. to give second chances. to see if maybe I've just been wrong#and interacting with the wrong people- it just doesnt seem to matter. I'm not human and thats why I can't fit in.#I have more in common with the animals around me- more understanding between them and i- than I ever do any human.#animals are so much easier to understand. they're so much clearer on what they want or feel... humans just lie and manipulate#and talk behind your back and whole slew of other bs. they can never just fucking be direct.#I honestly think talking is a huge part of the problem- words are too easily misunderstood or people can use them to lie or things#are too complicated to convey with thoughts or whatever#but body language and expression and actions dont lie#i hate how easy it is for me to hate humans and how hard it is for me to love them. but how am I supposed to love something that#hardly if ever shows genuine love and caring for me? I keep trying and nothing is ever changing#i try so hard to be nice and compassionate towards humans in spite of everything they've put me through bc I see ppl always say#that you shouldnt give up or that you should take a chance or whatever but dawg. i'm tired. I cant emotionally handle taking more chances#when I just keep getting burned.#i just want to live alone in the woods forever.
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:)
#// vent#// personal#i always believe that my life just progressively gets worse with each passing birthday and i'm right every time#well it wasn't always like this#it was the reverse but after a long time of the opposite happening i just got so fucking tired#me saying anything in this post is fucking useless but i'm saying it anyways#but..... i'm tired of placing myself around people that make me feel like shit and i'm putting my foot down#and don't mean in a 'they go out of their way to treat me like crap' kind of way#i mean i feel like i don't matter around them or i feel like others are worth more than me to them#i feel like those corny posts where someone is standing alone while they watch other people be happy without any concern for you#and i feel like people only come to me when they want something from me like content or some other self-fulfilling thing#i am like..... really tired of begging people to treat me as an equal (especially as an artist) or at least be sympathetic to my problems#and i know all of this can be used against me but i don't care at this point#i'm tired of seeing red every time someone gets all of things i have to beg for-#-like basic respect or just someone saying something nice to me or my art#it hurts and i don't like having to throw any my kindness or generosity because i know i will never be treated the same way#like why do i have to beg for art reblogs or compliments when everyone else can get them without looking like a pathetic attention seeker#i don't understand what is inherently wrong with me that makes people go 'ew i don't like her or her art'#i've came up with all sorts of reasonings and i can't even decisively say what it is#i'm so tired#even after this nothing will change and u can guarantee this post will make it get worse#but this is just how i feel and i believe i have the right to vent without it being weaponized against me#i fear retaliation from people for venting and i shouldn't have to#long post#extremely long post#feel free to mute the '// vent' tag if you really don't want to hear my yapping
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