#but i havent written anything in like two years so i got crazy

[romeactivelycries]

Note: First post 😳😳😳 Sorry if this is bad yall i literally havent written for like 3 years and its proofread by me myself and I but inspired by Angel ep 2x9 angel goes undercover and you walking in on a meeting with demons

Pairing: Angel x Reader

Request: Nopee

Gender: Hopefully neutral 🤞 (lemme know if i fucked up)

Warnings: 18+, some biting and blood but nothing crazy just like vampires u know 🥴

———————————

A yawn broke your daze as you glance over at Wesley turning the page to some demon grimore, hand covering his mouth as he glances at Cordy filing her nails instead of the papers in front of her. This awful torture had lasted all morning and well into the afternoon, research and books and files and guess what? Even more research!!

Groaning you slam your book closed, folding your arms on top of it and laying your head down on them as you mumble out a string of profanities and grievances to no one in particular.

“Got anything?” Wesley grumbles closing his own book and pushing it aside in favor of his now cold cup of tea.

“Just a headache,” you whine. You guys were trying to find out what powers were being held inside an amulet the demon of the week was wearing. It had given him enough strength to take out you, Gunn, and Wesley, he probably would have killed you all if Cordy didn’t have a vision leading Angel to drive by and pick you up. So now he was out scouting for the demons while the research led to dead end after dead end.

“I think I might go for a walk, maybe get us coffee,” you headed towards the doors grabbing your pager off the charging dock and shrugging on your jacket.

“Oo yes! Coffee sounds perfect!” Cordelia perked up, looking at Wesley who nodded in agreement. “Two mochas please!”

You move to open the front door when everyone’s pagers go off, glancing down you all read the message from Angel. It’s a location and the name of the amulet you’ve been searching for information on.

“We can finally focus our research! This is great, Cordelia can you-“ Wesley glances over at you looking at the pager and then meeting your eyes, he instantly knew. “Y/n don’t-“

You smile, running out the front door before he got the chance to tell you not to rush in head first. You were tired of the research, it was time to meet up with Angel.

By the time you reached the location it was nightfall. There was a hidden door in the alley between a nightclub and a liquor store, a brick wall amongst the cobblestone one, and when you knocked three times it slid open. Almost too easy.

As you walked through the door slide closed behind you and various half-burned candles were illuminating the staircase you descended. Looking around the small room you see 5 demons sitting around a table, one by one looking up at you.

Perhaps you had made a slight mistake.

“Look what we have here boys,” One of them begins to say, you glance over at them and see the amulet hanging around their neck. At least you were at the right place?

The demons all move to lunge at you, but before they get the chance the one sitting closest to you stands, chair shrieking as it scraps across the floor.

“This one’s mine,” He’s at your side before you can even blink. Angel. You open your mouth to say something but his eyes warn you not to as his face contorts into its vampiric appearance and he smiles, making a big show for the audience behind you. “Scream for us now.”

You feel his teeth before you even register them pricking into your neck, body paralyzed in fear as Angel moans at the taste of your blood on his tongue. Your eyes fill with tears as your body goes cold, the demons behind you grinning as they cheer him on, yet you can’t hear a sound. It’s almost pleasant to feel it all slip away, as Angel holds you in his arms, withdrawing his teeth as he gently guides you to the floor.

“Stay here, pretend to be dead please.” His voice is a stark contrast to the one he was putting on before as he turns back the demons.

Everything after is a haze, you remember seeing him tear the amulet from the first guy and putting it on himself, before turning to slay the rest of the demons. You can feel his arms wrap around you as he pulls you against his chest, whispering apologies and sweet words as he carries you through the night back to the motel.

You wake up to a train passing by, the horn blaring you from the warm comfort of sleep into the cold of night. Your hand finds its way to your neck, gently gliding over the mark left by Angel’s teeth as your memories flood back to you. Sitting up, you quickly slid out of bed and down the hall, your hands gliding along the walls and wooden doors. You had to see him, see Angel.

213, 215, 217.

You twist the knob, finding the door unlocked as you open it. Angel is sitting in his chair in the corner, turning from looking at the window to you as you close the door behind you. You both go to speak at the same time, saying each other’s name, and he motions for you to go first.

“Angel, I-“ you don’t even know what to say. Thank you? It’s okay? I’m sorry?

“I know,” he moves from his spot by the window over to you, reaching for your hand and gently pulling you to sit with him on the foot of the bed.

His hand trails up to your neck, brushing his fingers along the marks, closing his eyes and leaning his head against yours.

“Do you wanna do it again,” your voice is soft and it snaps him out of his trance as he just looks at you mouth agape, eyes flitting between back and forth between yours. “I want you to, if you want to, but if you don’t I understand-“

His fangs cut you off as they sink into your neck again. That pleasurable pinch of teeth against skin as he laps at the blood that pools there. It’s more gentle this time, more angelic, he rubs soothing circles on your shoulder and pulls back after such a short taste.

“I’m sorry,” he begins, just the faintest whisper as his lips hover near yours. Cradling his face with your hand, your bring your thumb up to his lips swiping away the remains of your blood that stained the corners of his mouth.

It’s as if your on autopilot as he opens his mouth slightly to capture your thumb, his eyes never leaving yours as he sucks and swirls his tongue around it. When you pull your thumb free, there’s just a brief moment where the world stops turning. The air is still and you can both hear your heartbeat. Once. Twice.

His lips are on yours as it skips the next beat, hands tugging at your sides as he pulls you to straddle him. You gasp at the sudden movement letting him take control of the kiss, sliding his tongue into your mouth and moaning as you entangle with one another. You wrap your arms around his neck, holding onto him as his kisses trail down your cheek and neck, bruising a path leading to his bite.

You both know it can’t go further, that it’s already gone too far, but neither can let go as he pulls you in to another intoxicating kiss. You rock your hips against him, feeling his hard on pressing against your sweet spot as you continue to roll your hips and moan into his mouth. He responds with the same urgency, hands tugging at your waist as he grinds up into you, soft moans escaping from his lips.

“Angel,” your voice is a broken whimper as you continue to press into him, trying to get as close as you possibly can. You feel his body shake and writhe the way yours does as you desperately grind against one another. “Please.”

Your not even sure what you’re asking for, but he takes it as an invitation to bite down on your neck once more and he pulls you down against him, rutting up into you as he openly moans and whines against your neck, desperately sucking and biting at whatever he can find. Your hands find their way to the nape of his neck and tangle in his hair pulling his head back as you both see stars, lazily falling back onto the bed and panting against one another.

“You’re not gonna go all crazy town on me now right?” Although you’re mostly joking there’s a hint of concern lacing your words as you pull back gently to look Angel in the eyes.

“I guess since my dick stayed in my pants we’re good,” he pants out, smiling down at you before his face contorts into one of concern.

You sit up, hand pressed against his chest as he continues to stare at you, “What is it you’re scaring me.”

“I fear Cordy and Wesley might think the opposite.” He gestures to the small mirror on the desk across from his bed and you rush over to it, catching your reflection your eyes go wide at the state of your neck. It almost looks like a rabid dog attacked you the way it’s covered in bite marks and bruises, no amount of make up would be able to cover this up.

Turning back around to him you offer a small smile and bite at your lower lip trying to think of a solution before an idea pops into your head and your smile turns into a grin. “I hear turtle necks are in right now!”

[ess-presso]

actually fuck tumblr fr cant believe they deleted my ask smh.

fear not im back :)

fic rec for u! it was only a kiss! by remuslives23 (wolfstar, they drink some firewhiskey and accidentally kiss. v cute)

miss taylor: the last great american dynasty, state of grace, & wonderland <3

i'll reanswer ur qs from last time:

ive got no allergies! that i know of at least. im safe for now. i truly fear the day i find out im suddenly allergic to a food i love (can that even happen?? i hope not)

i totally believe in fate, i think everything kinda happens for a reason and everyone meets people for a reason. if its meant to be itll be, and if its not meant to be then its just not meant to be. some things (most things) are out of our control so whats the point in trying to control what happens to us and who we meet. i say we go with the flow (i say this as the most anxious person on the planet who cant handle change or unfamiliarity)

i accidentally messed up a good friendship a few years ago, basically i wasnt there for someone when they needed me (to be fair we were both going thru it so i didnt even realize) but theyre happier now and so am i so all is well.

i wake up bright and early (its almost noon) i gracefully get out of bed (i drag myself out of bed) i make myself a hearty nutritious meal (i make coffee and some toast if its a good day) i get ready for class (i change into sweatpants and brush my teeth) i head to campus (my class is online. i stay in bed for the rest of the day)

fav superhero forever spiderman & daredevil. and thor cause hes a dumbass and funny but PETER PARKER & MATT MURDOCK MY LOVES!!!

id switch lives with someone crazy wealthy like elon musk or jeff bezos so i can drain their bank accounts and donate to people in need and solve world hunger <3 or maybe timothee chalamet cause id love to know what goes on in his mind hes so funny sometimes.

i wish i had written just lovers by zar bc that fic will forever be my favourite thing ever. its just so damn good and to be the author of it would be truly an honour.

i wish i had written maybe the iliad & odyssey cause 1. theyre freaking epic & 2. homer mightve not been a real person so if i was homer i would be an mysterious enigma.

ive never been in love actually, despite being a hopeless romantic. ive liked people but it never got further than that so ig im just waiting for the right person to come along !

im so loud as a drunk. i WILL sing along to anything playing and i WILL dance horribly. im also giggly cause everything becomes hilarious to me. i do sometimes get confrontational too but thats only if i drink white rum, for some reason.

our worst fight can hardly be considered a fight cause its so dumb but she had called me to ask if id be there for her bday party, i said i might not be able to cause i had 4 papers due the weekend of her party and then she got really upset cause she wanted me there and then i got upset cause i wanted to be there really bad but i was overwhelmed with school and exams and we kinda just sobbed at each other for like 10 mins before we hung up. she called me back a few mins later and we both apologized for being stupid and then i told her id get my papers done so i could go which solved our problem. luckily i did get my papers done in time and i made it🎉 i think i wrote almost 10,000 words in the span of 2 days it was torture truly.

prob last time i saw liv which was in january :( damn her for going to a diff city for uni fr. but we walked in circles around this lake for a few hours and chatted shit about the bitchy people we went to high school with & it was lovely.

jegulily i think yes! james has two hands. i havent read any of them yet but if i find a good fic i plan on it. plus i think their dynamic has good potential & i love each of the individual characters so very much so.

10 things i hate about you!!!!!! other favs include: mamma mia, enchanted, 13 going on 30, and princess diaries. tbh i dont watch a lot of romcoms so idek if these technically count as romcoms but whatever i love them so.

IT!!!!!!!!!!!! i was fucking obsessed with that movie in 2017 i made it my entire personality.

qs for u!

piercings vs tattoos?

fav superhero?

fav fic of all time?

what would your animagus form be?

what's your literary archetype? (fun lil quiz, i got ruler )

what are you like while drunk?

is it better to speak or to die?

preferred method of annotating books? (ie. do u add random commentary or do u add insightful analysis)

when listening to music, are u more of a lyrics person or a sound person?

thats all for now! praying tumblr doesnt fuck this one up too🙏

-bee :)

beeeeeeee :))))))

girl u gonna have to forgive me for this but I woke up and Tumblr was like 'u didn't save this draft would u like to restore it' and I was like 'YES MOTHERFUCKER' and it was ur other ask but I will answer these Taylor songs here !!!! and I got a free extra fic rec , so I'll give u 2 in the other ask .

(feeling sorry for ur poor old fingers u soldier)

tay tay -

the last great American dynasty - MARY MACDONALD - that song speaks of love and loss to me and damn it if it isn't Mary macdonald at the end of her life all alone and everything. I mean can u not just see her 'pacing the rocks staring out at the midnight sea'?

state of grace - JEGULUS - that entire song is basically regulus thinking about their love and how it was so unexpected 'I never saw you coming and I'll never be the same' (also James tearing reg's armour down ????)

wonderland - JILY / DRARRY - now hear me out , I think that the chorus bit where it's all 'didn't they tell us' and everything is a split convo between lily and James where she's all sad and depressed and mad and James is just there for her trying to convince her that it'll all be okay and they're fine. now , dreary , because I think 'didn't you flash your green eyes at me / didn't you calm my fears with a Cheshire Cat smile' is such a Draco thing to say about harry. like he would be so so worried and harry would just have this complete confidence that everything would be a-ok.

[prttypctures]

*  victoria pedretti

  .  cis  woman  .  she  /  her  .   /   that’s  frances geller walking  in  to o’connell’s -  you  know  ,  the  thirty one year old  hotel manager for lakeview end motel  known for  having flown to new york for a year to be a surrogate mother  ?  having  lived  here  for  basically her whole life  ,  their  neighbors  know  them  to  be venturesome  &  faithful  ,  but  their  uncouth &  venal tendencies  shine  through  when  there  are  no  buses  in  to  the  city  . @30extra​

BASICS ;

NAME.　frances jane geller

ALSO KNOWN AS. frankie, franny ( family and close friend nickname , not used anymore. ) 

ORIENTATION.　heteromantic / heterosexual

OCCUPATION.　hotel manager at lakeview end motel  

BIRTHPLACE.　lakeview, louisiana

CURRENT LOCATION.　lakeview, louisiana

RELATIONSHIP STATUS.   single 

APPEARANCE ;

FACECLAIM.　victoria pedretti

EYES.　a very dark blue 

HAIR.　naturally a darker brown , bleached lighter with blondish highlights 

DOMINANT HAND.　right

HEIGHT.　five foot three

BUILD.　well toned 

TATTOOS.　  two dolphins on her left hip ,  wild flowers on the inside of her right arm above the elbow , sun and crescent moon on her right shoulder 

SCARS/BIRTH MARKS.　a white and pink jagged scar across the top of her right from falling into the lake when she was little and getting her foot stuck under a sharp rock

AESTHETICS ;

satin pillowcases ,worn out converse next to a pair of heels , four dollar bottles of wine , moody floral wallpaper , unfinished diy home renovations , overflowing ashtrays on the patio , vinyl records , coffee table art books ,pumpkin spice candles year round 

BACKGROUND ;

tw: mentions of suicide, drug addiction  

frances has led what most would describe as just a normal life. her family was strictly middle class, affording her everything she needed but nothing gratuitous. they lived in a nice suburban home with a white picket fence and a dog. her father and mother were high school sweethearts who married after her fathers first deployment in the army, right out of school. neither of them attended college. they were very conservative with their money -- most of her clothes were from goodwill or salvation army, and all of their furniture was usually found at christian thrift stores. she never minded the mismatched or a tad outdated decor of her family home. it was eclectic and comforting. 

she performed very well in school, honors classes, band, all that noise. but when it came to all of her friends talking about college, frances realized she had never made a plan. she didn’t necessarily not want to go to college, but she hadn’t considered what she wanted to do. it seemed like everyone set ideas on who they wanted to be or, at the very least, knew they were ready to leave home. she wasn’t. frances didn’t immediately go to college. she took up work and stayed home with her parents hoping that if she were to just jump into something, maybe her future would reveal itself. after about a years journey she went to school for business, which was more of a play it safe type decision. 

her father committed suicide when she was twenty two years old. for her all of her life she had thought everything was fine; she had never seen him cry. he had always been quiet and short with his words... she looked for all the signs following his death and couldn’t find them. she remembered waking up late at night to her parents having whispered, tense conversations in the kitchen but she’d never made herself privy to what was being talked about. at his funeral a friend of his appeared, causing a huge fiasco. frances had never seen him before. he of course had not been invited. there are very few things she remembers as vividly as the moment her mother turned around to see him in the church, her usually very polished and mannered mother lit up like a match, yelling and screaming for him to get out before collapsing into a sob. it seemed to play like slow motion. frances had learned later, from a friend of her mothers, that the man had been a close friend of her fathers; a drug dealer. her father had suffered from drug addiction all his life, which had caused most of their financial strife and warred with his mental health. 

following his death, and the revelations of who her father had been in secret, frances was heartbroken. her mother and her had to move into a much smaller home and the two struggled against mounting debt. 

when she turned twenty-six, she found herself in what would have to be the youngest mid life crisis possible. she had worked herself so hard, alongside her mother who still had to work everyday, and it felt helpless. then she heard word from a friend about someone they vaguely knew in college becoming a surrogate mother, and the reward for doing so wasn’t cheap at all --  they had made a whopping $35k. following the scent of money, frances set out to do the same. it was no easy process, however, and by the end she felt herself empathically intertwined with a couple in new york who had tried everything so far to have a baby. they were such a model of love and grace. the money wasn’t even important. helping them felt like a true purpose, something she had been searching for for over a decade now. she moved to new york to live with them during the duration of her pregnancy and treated herself to a world far removed from lakeview and the stress of not knowing. it was a very positive and life changing experience. when she came back to lakeview she and her mother moved into a bigger and more comfortable house.

it wasn’t very long after her return from new york that the mysterious man that had appeared at her fathers funeral approached her at the front desk of the motel. her father had owed him money, and he had the perfect plan for getting it back. if she helped him and his friends run drugs through the motel, he would skip all the cliches of cutting fingers and making dramatic threats. eventually, she’d get her own cut too. she had all these dreams of fixing up the motel and turning it into something quaint and memorable, but she needed money to do so. it was always about money. so she agreed. with her straight edge appearance and charismatic nature, no one would ever be the wiser.

[itsclydebitches]

Hi Clyde 👋🏻 So Ive been watching as your response posts come thru about RWBY and you obviously know alot about it. As someone who knows nothing at all about it, I was wondering if you could explain it to me. Supernatural I get. Jupiter Ascending I get. Even that Jar Jar Binks post floating around Tumblr (if you havent seen it yet, it’s probably a good thing) I get, but RWBY im still sort of having trouble getting up the interest to watch. Is it worth it?

Hello! I'm definitely answering asks in a timely fashion. Watch me go! 😅

Ah, is RWBY worth it. That there is the million dollar question. Not to give a copout answer, but I really think it depends on what you're looking to get out of the show. Our beloved JA and SPN are great comparisons because they're both extremes too. They're doing something really interesting that succeeds in captivating its audience... and then, arguably, faceplant when it comes to a lot of basic writing expectations. SPN far more-so than JA imo, just due to being a 15 season show vs. a 2 hour movie. Though not quite of the same caliber, RWBY has a lot of the same whimsy and creativity. A sort of, "Go with the flow not because it necessarily makes sense, but because it's fun." Or, as the RWBY fandom puts it, everything follows the "Rule of Cool." If you like JA's awkwardly delivered "I love dogs" you may also like the awkwardness of Ruby eating cookies by having them disappear when they approach her face. The self-awareness that RWBY had in the beginning — we're a low budget webseries created for the fun of it with lots of ridiculous gags and flashy action — feels, to me, similar to the self-awareness of JA: "We're a film that's going to take a 13yo girl's fantasies very seriously, right up through getting an angel-wolf-alien as a boyfriend." There's even a lot to be said for RWBY's similar motivations: a girl power story, a focus on the action (with Monty's fantastic choreography), meant to be progressive in particular ways, etc.

Personally, I really love the first three Volumes of RWBY. They're ridiculous, badly animated at times, and mishandle a racism allegory like whoa... but they've got a lot of heart. They're fun. They're enjoyable in that "Turn your brain off" manner. The basic premise is that a girl with silver eyes gets into a Huntsmen Academy two years early — a school that trains young adults to battle the monsters that populate their world. She's set up as the pure hearted hero with the mysterious power via her eye color. She gains a team of three other girls who must learn to work together as they navigate school and a coming war. Everyone has crazy outfits, crazier weapons, and at one point there's an epic food fight battle that I've watched on Youtube too many times. It's playful and has just enough worldbuilding to spark the imagination; just enough solid characterization to get you to fall in love with the cast. If it were the summer of 2016 I'd recommend RWBY wholeheartedly as the webseries equivalent of a beach read.

The problem is that things #happened at the end of Volume 3. No spoilers, but suffice to say things got intense during that finale, thrusting the show into a very different era. Suddenly, the show wanted to take itself seriously in a way it never had before... so many in the fandom, such as myself, started taking it more seriously too. We had higher expectations for the show since the show itself was egging those expectations on, tackling sensitive material and talking up the impact of their work. Yet, sadly, these expectations weren't met, with the problems becoming more pronounced with each new Volume. The retconning added up. Certain characters were done dirty. The allegories got really offensive. RWBY's idea of feminism became warped. We've got a ship that many consider queerbaiting at this point. Morals are all over the place and there's no longer a consistent message to the show... it's a lot. The sort of "It's a lot" that we might say about SPN too. Fans are right to point out the laundry list of bad writing choices and offensive content strewn across SPN's 15 seasons. Fans are also right to point out the many aspects that kept its audience hooked despite all that. Same with RWBY. Me? I think RWBY is a very badly written show now... but I enjoyed it enough, for long enough, that I'm still invested enough to see it through. Meanwhile, others don't see anything wrong with the writing at all. They've hailed the last two Volumes as the best to date, with even better work to come. There's a pretty intense split between those who critique the show and those who insist on its near perfection.

So I suppose I'd recommend it, just because I'm not confident in giving a definitive "Lol yeah this is trash" condemnation. Not just because there were things I did (and at times still do) love about RWBY, but because my interpretation, quite obviously, is subjective. I can't ignore that those of us who critique the show are the minority. So statistically, if RWBY ends up being your thing, you're probably more likely to enjoy all that the show has produced thus far — within reason — than you are to have a falling out with it. I think overall there's enough good in RWBY to give it a shot, especially when, depending on how you approach your shows, that good might still be there for you 8 Volumes later. Just go in knowing that, if you enjoy the first 3 Volumes, you might be severely disappointed down the line.

The other upside though? The initial episodes are very short! So you can try a couple out without giving RWBY too much of a time investment.

(Also, side note, but WHAT Jar Jar Binks post?? Oh god I'm scared lol)

[nuclear-clusterhug]

You've been talking in your sleep (you've been having real bad dreams)

pairing: Karl Jacobs/Sapnap

word count: 1392

angst, hurt/comfort, kinda fluff?

summary: Just give me a reason by P!nk feat. Nate Ruess. thats it.

note: i havent written anything other than essays in english, it's not my first language, and i havent written fanfiction in 6 years, let me know my mistakes :)

It was late at night when he started to hear it. The voice of his boyfriend rang in his head, saying things he never heard before.

''I'm so tired of always trying to make you feel better'' he heard. He felt the arms around his waist tighten and he froze. Nick. He must've been talking in his sleep.

Karl didn't know what to think of it. His boyfriend, his one and only, the person he trusted the most in life just accidentally told him he was tired of him. Was he really that hard to handle? Sure he had his problems, the ghosts of past relationships hanging around him made it hard for the two boys to even start their own, but Karl genuinely thought he was getting better. He was communicating better, he was generous with physical affection, he tried to always be there for the other, he couldn't help it if his self-consciousness sometimes got in the way of that.

Karl tried to make sense of it all, but sleep sucked him back in before he could form his next coherent thought.

From that night on, Karl tried his best not to show Nick when he was feeling down. He tried to be as good for him as possible, in fear that if he got too vulnerable, Nick would get fed up and lash out. Every night he would turn his back to Nick as a silent offer for spooning, but also so that the other wouldn't see the tears that might slip out of Karl's grey eyes. But every night, he would hear Nick say something in his sleep. Sometimes just venomous mumbling, sometimes real words about how Nick felt like he was used for emotional support and not a real partner. Karl wondered why Nick hadn't said anything about it when they were both awake, he never seemed to be bothered about Karl's worries before, but all frustration needed an outlet, he supposed.

''Baby, are you okay?'' Nick asked a few days later while they were hanging around on the couch, both clanking away on their laptops. Karl was in a particularly bad mood, the things he heard at night eating away at his wide awake brain made him lose focus and have to restart his work for the second time. He felt like however hard he tried to be good for Nick, the other just saw him as a burden, and messing work up didn't help the feeling of uselessness.

''Yeah, just tired'' he tried for a smile but it came out more as a pout.

''I don't doubt that. You've been restless for the past few nights'' Nick put his laptop on the coffee table and turned to Karl with his whole body. ''Have you been having nightmares?'' he asked, concern clear in his voice.

''You could say that'' Karl murmured and tried to turn his attention back to his screen, trying to ignore the conversation the other attempted to have with him.

''What do you mean? You've been tossing around, and then suddenly freezing each night. Something must be going on'' Nick moved closer to him on the couch, hand moving to his back, but Karl jerked away involuntarily.

''I don't want to talk about it'' he said quietly, moving to stand up and try to leave the room, but Nick stopped him with a careful hand on his forearm and pulled him back down. Nick took his laptop and put it next to his so they could both sit with their legs up, body turned to the other.

''Too bad. You need your rest if you wanna keep up with your work flow. I want to help you, but you haven't talked to me properly in days. I thought you were just working up to saying it, or I don't even know, but you avoid my eyes every time I look at you, you turn away in bed, and even now you're avoiding it. Avoiding me!'' Karl could see Nick was desperately trying to keep his cool to not scare him away and he appreciated the calm tone but it didn't really work.

''Why would you want to help me?'' Karl jumped up and walked to the other side of the room.

''Why would I not? Your work is important to you, and you are important to me! I care about your physical well-being as much as your emotional!'' Nick tried to reason with him, but Karl wasn't having it.

''You? You care about my emotions? Take a fucking hike!'' Karl finally snapped. This was it, the dam broke, everything was going to come out. Nick braced himself, he knew he had to listen to everything very carefully, because Karl couldn't always express himself when he got too worked up, but Nick has learned to read between the lines. ''You talk in your sleep! Did you know that? You say some real weird shit sometimes! Talk about how I haven't talked to you in days, when you only speak your mind when you're asleep! If you're so tired of trying to fix me then why are you even here anymore? Sincerely, thank you for fixing my heart, but if I'm such a burden to you, then just leave! See if I care!'' Karl was fuming, which didn't happen often, but Nick couldn't really focus on Karl's tears and red cheeks as he was still stuck on Karl's words.

''What do you mean I talk in my sleep?'' he asked, choking back his frustration.

''You said-''

''No!'' Nick interrupted. ''What do you mean I talk in my sleep when I haven't slept a single minute the past few nights? You've been tossing and turning and silently crying, and wouldn't wake up however loud I called your name, so I tried to hug you as close as possible so you wouldn't hurt yourself! When would have I had the time to talk in my sleep?'' Nick was close to shouting, but he had the mind to stop himself from getting too loud in case Karl would react poorly to the volume.

Karl couldn't say anything. Looking at Nick he noticed the dark circles under his red rimmed eyes, and thinking back he remembered Nick drinking copious amounts of coffee. Nick didn't drink coffee normally. That could only mean one thing.

''So you said them while you were awake?'' Karl looked like a crazy scientist in a movie, lightbulb above his head and a franctic look in his eyes. ''You said those things to me while I was asleep so you didn't have to face me?'' His voice got lower and lower as his heart broke all that much more.

''What?'' Nick was taken aback. ''What the hell are you talking about?'' He had no idea how Karl came to that conclusion, but frankly, didn't even want to find out. He shook his head. ''No. What I'm getting at is that you might have dreamed it. All of it, probably, because I swear on everything that is holy that I have not said anything about you being a burden. Seriously'' Nick started to approach Karl and held out his hand so that the taller boy had the option of getting closer or staying away.

Karl placed a tentative hand in Nick's, but didn't move otherwise.

''I- I don't understand'' Karl shook his head slightly. ''But- I hear your voice. Every night.''

''I might do actually talk to you while you're asleep'' Nick said sheepishly, scratching st the back of his neck with his free hand. ''I couldn't tell you how much I love you and miss you these past days and I needed you to hear it, even if you were unconscious'' he confessed. ''I guess the message got lost in the in-between.''

''Oh'' Karl felt his cheeks heat up as he moved his eyes to the carpet of their livingroom.

''Yeah'' Nick said dumbly as he squeezed Karl's hand a bit.

''Could you- Um- Could you tell me now?'' Karl asked softly, eyes catching Nick's.

''I would love to'' Nick sighed in relief and led his boyfriend to their bedroom, lying down facing each other, cuddling for real for the first time in days.

Karl might have fallen asleep midway through the confession, but he didn't have any more doubts about his place in Nick's heart.

[yeoldontknow]

❧ check in tag

tagged by the sweetest angel @propinqxity to do this little tag. this is such a cute list of questions, and some of these i dont think ive been asked before. thank you so much for the tag and the tumblr crush mention lovely. you truly are a bright spot on this website and i mean that sincerely <333

going under a cut because im certain i will ramble ~

1. Why did you choose this url?

its sort of like a pun between yall dont know and the fact that, hopefully, sincerely, chanyeol does not in fact know that i run this blog lmao i changed to this after a long time of being bread-jinie and i wanted to rebrand. i will, however, do my best to never change URLs again because the masterlist switch over was a complete hassle

2. Any sideblogs? If you have them, name them and why you have them

i have a fic recs blog called @yeoldontknowiread. as to why i have it, i know it hasnt been updated in ages since ive been kind of on hiatus, but i think reading and sharing work on this platform is immensely important. i actually read quite a lot of fanfiction, and i try my best to share the things i read. im very very behind on recs at the moment cause i try my best to write something substantial for every recommendation i make. as a writer, i know exactly the kinds of thoughts and feedback on fics that make my heart soar so i try to put in the same energy to my recs. community is only fostered when there is reciprocation

3. How long have you been on Tumblr?

hmmm since april 2017. i actually had my 4 year anniversary this year and i did have plans for things but i got roped into real life things and couldnt celebrate the way i truly wanted to :(

4. Do you have a queue tag?

no but sometimes i think i should. i view tags as a library on top of my knee jerk response to things. most of my tags are just my initial thoughts or feelings at any given moment, so those take precedence over a specific queue tag

5. Why did you start your blog in the first place?

when i was getting into exo, i was reading fanfiction like crazy. i used to write fanfic quite a lot in other fandoms, but at that time i hadnt written anything in about 2.5 years. exo was the first re-introduction to that feeling of excitement and inspiration. after about 3 weeks of straight reading, i decided i wanted to write again. i wrote the prologue to hero in about two hours and tried logging into AO3 to post it. sadly i forgot all of my log in information because it had been years, and was getting frustrated. i really wanted to put it somewhere out of fear that id lose interest if i didnt do something with it, and everything id read had been on tumblr. so i made a tumblr just to put hero lmao i didnt have any mutuals. it was a blog with straight 0. i hadnt even created an account to interact with writers before that moment, i really thought id be a silent reader forever. but exo woke me back up and for that i am eternally grateful.

6. Why did you choose your icon?

the yours music video is...so stunning? like the colour theory throughout the whole thing is truly so inspiring and gorgeous. and this shot of chanyeol looking at the painting took my breath away, truly. tulips and the color of peach, like do you know how evocative that is? ugh

7. Why did you choose your header

my header was made by @jamaisjoons for my birthday this year because shes literally the most talented person when it comes to graphics. and this was so kind of her to do, i cried a lot

8. What's your post with the most notes?

uhm....either the body through time or truth i cant remember which but i checked recently and its one of those

9. How many mutuals do you have?

honestly at this point im not even sure. i know ive lost a bunch while i was on hiatus because i was basically a dead blog, and some people do dash cleanses. and im certain others have left, too, for their own reasons. still, i have a good core of friends though who are active and that is enough for me

10. How many followers do you have?

more than i probably deserve

11. How many people do you follow?

399

12. Have you ever made a shitpost?

uhm i guess? there was a time when nng was not updated and every wednesday id post the days go by music video in sadness and grief but im not a big shitposter. if i make a text post its usually a life update or me crying about chanyeol, theres no inbetween lmao

13. How often do you use Tumblr every day?

tbh i havent used tumblr that often, not since march i think. i used to use it many times a day, checking in on friends and stuff, but once i started focusing on my phd applications i was only here sporadically. i didnt make an announcement either, just let my blog run on queue so i wasnt totally gone. i think i was checking in twice a week or maybe once every two weeks to refill my queue and check mentions etc. but now that my interviews are done im trying to get back on here daily to reconnect

14. Did you have a fight/argument with another blog once? Who won?

ive had my share of disagreements with people and any details about those situations shall remain as they are meant to: private

15. How do you feel about "you need to reblog this" posts?

in what context? like, you need to reblog this or your wish wont come true? or like, please reblog this to spread the word/spread awareness, etc? in the case for the former, i scroll right by. in the case of the latter, if im around and see someone raising a go fund me or some major event is occurring and i find a post with good sources or charities i will reblog. mostly though, the full extent my activism isnt really on this blog. its my escape from reality. my activism is usually placed on other platforms.

16. Do you like tag games?

i doooo!!! theyre so fun i love learning about my friends

17. do you like ask games?

i love those too! theyre so cute and usually a nice way to have interaction immediacy with people in the community

18. Which of your mutuals do you think is Tumblr famous?

no one. can we please abandon this notion of fame on tumblr? arent we all here to write about some dick and some smut and some fluff and then hang out together and log off? lmao tumblr isnt reality and followers/fame is so arbitrary on this platform, no one has any control over any of it

19. Do you have a crush on a mutual?

i am in love with so many people here. let me name a few:

@yehet-me-up @kyungseokie @jenmyeons @j-pping @jamaisjoons @inkedtae @kookdiaries @yoonia @dulcetvk @kithtaehyung @imdifferentshadesofpurple @ditzymax @sugaurora @sahmbtsficrecs @junghelioseok @yeojaa @augustbutwinter @joonscore @btssavedmylifeblr @cutechim @sunshinekims @kimtaehyunq @ouvuo @delhyun @exo-stentialism @sooibian @softyoongiionly @jinseunie @zibermuda @bratkook @1kook @luffles424 @xjoonchildx

and so many other people and mutuals that i am certainly forgetting. love is such an expansive feeling, and it encompasses platonic ardor and creative desire. i admire every single person listed for so many different reasons, and cherish and treasure them or what they provide to the community. love is such an important and broad experience. truly, i hope they feel adored every single day x

[ivyuns]

love again ❆✰

lee minho

genre: angst / fluff 

word count: 2.4k

warnings: drugs + language + a bit suggestive + a few grammar mistakes (this was written at 5 am plz i cant) 

A/N: why do i keep having dreams of someone who i used to like :(

masterlist

nonidol!minho x fem!reader

taking a picture of the scenery of paris in front of you, smiling of how well it came out, a real smile this time. hearing a voice call out your name, you turn around as your smile dropped, seeing someone who you didnt ever wanted to see. lee minho was his name.

it started as you two were young and in love with each other back in high school. you two we known as the toxic couple. not because you two were bad for each other, but because you did everything together: drugs, alcohol, getting high, sex, you name it. other than those, you two had another side of being soft. the romantic dates and the funny days shared.

the time you two hung out as best friends everyday, making everyone in school thinking you two were couples. the night where minho took you star gazing late at night after having a fight with your mom and ended up kissing you and asking you to be his one and only.

til your mom found out that you did drugs and drank underage because of minho. she forced you to break up with him and you felt like shit. you called him to meet you at the park you two always went to and left the house to go see him.

arriving at the park and sitting on a bench with the winter breeze around you in your light cardigan. feeling something on your shoulders made you feel tense til you smelled where the owner of the jacket is. lifting your head up, a tear fell from your eyes. minho’s eyes soften as he took a seat next to you and wiped the tear away.

“y/n, whats wrong love?” minho asked. “m-min, we need to break up”. minhos eyes widened from your sentence. “b-baby what happen? is everything okay at home? please tell me”. sighing and standing up as you took off minhos jacket off of your shoulders and gave it back to him. “just know that i still love you forever and always and we’ll meet in the next life” and left him.

minho sat there in shock, not knowing what just happened. it felt like a big part of him just left him.

the next week at school, you werent at your seat. you were nowhere found in school. you were just laying on your bed, feeling total shit. feeling nothing to do but just cry to sleep. your mom made you do online school to stop you from seeing minho and his friends. you phone made another noise as you sighed. looking up to see your phone on your nightstand, you see 44 missed calls and 64 messages from minho. tears falling down even more, you ended up falling asleep with a worried minho waiting for you at school.

and that was the last time you ever saw him, you first and last lover. his cousin, who was your best friend had kept in touch with you and told you what minho had done during the breakup. inhaling and consuming drugs, overdosing on drugs, drinking more and going crazy while yelling your name and wanting you to come back into his life.

minho eventually got over the breakup in a year. looking at the memories you gave him, he had the urge to call you names you didnt like him saying. his cousin passed by his room and heard him saying things you hated being called. knowing it was about you since his cousin had knew you before minho so of course you told her everything.

feeling hurt and angry about what she told you, you felt yourself growing apart from him. why still love him after he called you those names? you gave yourselft sometime to heal and feel better about yourself.

now here you are now 3 years later, visiting your dream city, france. you always wanted to come here when you and minho were a bit older but things didnt work out.

turning around after hearing minho called you, he ran over to you. looking at your figure, he can tell you lost too much weight but still had the perfect brown eyes with your hair recently dyed to light brown and your fashion senses that changed. only with you in a black top and baggy tan pants with black converse. god how much did he miss you.

a few minutes after not talking, you figured he just wanted your attention after he searched you everywhere in paris when his cousin gave him updates on you. walking away from him, he quickly grabbed your wrist. “y-y/n, can we please talk?” you made him let go of your wrist and continued walking to your hotel.

minho quickly ran in front of you and stopped you. “please y/n, what did i do wrong?” you sighed and looked up at him. “maybe if you werent so psycho, you wouldve known.”

minho stood there and thought of what happened. was it when you broke up with him? no, it couldnt be your fault. when he called you more than enough? no. when he was about to propose to you and run away with each other? no way. you two broke things before he could even ask.

‘shit’ he thought. it made him realize. he was too angry at some point and called you names that you hated being called and point out your insecurities. he knew someone was outside his door at the time.

facing back reality, he sees you still in front of him. “figured out now, mr lee minho?” you crossed your arms and a little smirk formed on your face. even after years, you still cant stop loving him. minho takes your hand and drags you to a park to lay under the sunset, watching to stars as it turns dark. remembering from your high school days.

laying down with you in minhos embrace, you whispered a ‘i love you’ to minho and fell asleep after missing the warmth of minho. minho, who smiled after you fell into your slumber and pulled you closer to him. “i love you too y/n”

a few hours, you woke up to nobody in the park but you and minho in the dark. noticing you were still in minhos arms, you got up and woke up minho. minho opened his eyes and saw your panic face. “minho, where are we?!”

minho was fully awake now. looking everywhere, he couldnt remember where or how he took you to this area. “god minho if you werent such a dumbass. youre lucky that my phone works fine here” you said as you gathered your stuff and grabbed minho’s hand, forcing him to get up and follow to directions on your phone to where your hotel was.

minho just smiled and walked close to you. “you havent changed a bit y/n” he says. you stopped walking and turned around which resulted minho bumping into you. “youre really asking for a slap are you?” minho quickly shook his head a no and you turned around and began walking again.

-

opening your door to your hotel room, minho was full in daze. everything was decorated beautiful just for a hotel suite, or thats what minho thought it was. “you can sleep on the couch here, ill be upstairs if you need anything” you said and head upstairs where your room was after giving him an extra toothbrush and toothpaste and other necessary items.

“wait y/n!” he calls your name and you turn around to walk downstairs. stopping at he last step of the stairs, minho walks towards you. “can you actually stay down here. i-i mean like so we can catch up on stuff like you know?” you knew he just wanted you to stay down here since he couldnt be alone.

“ya, youre just trying love me again arent you minho?” you joked as you poked him. minho scoffed and went to sit on the couch. “as if”. walking towards the couch and sitting next to minho, you lift your legs onto the ottoman. “im just joking min, of course ill stay here with you” you say to him and looked at him with a happy smile. minho smiles also after hearing you call out his nickname youll call him during your relationship.

hugging you waist, minho leans towards you as you get lost in his sparkling eyes. he lays you down and kisses your lips. at first, you wanted to pull away, but after missing his kisses, how could you resist it? 

a few weeks had gone by and you two had returned to korea as a couple again. another 3 weeks and you moved in with minho after getting kicked out when she found out you found minho. with no hesitation, you facetimed minho about what happened and let his loving girlfriend move in with him.

moving your belongs into his apartment, you felt nauseous. going to the toilet to release the sickness, minho puts down a box and runs over to your side after hearing disturbing noises from the bathroom. “baby, what happened? are you okay?” minho says and tries his best to comfort you while he lifts your hair into a ponytail so its not in the way. “i-i think im-”

tears started streaming down your face as thoughts ran past your brain. what if he doesnt want the baby? is it too early? were still in our early twenties. you were cut off by minho hugging you. “its okay baby. we can check and see in the morning. lets go head to bed, i already got the last box.” nodding your head, minho leads you to the bedroom with his arms wrapped around you and your head on his chest, both slowly falling asleep.

waking up first thing in the morning, you turn and see minho still asleep. going to get ready to for the store. most importantly, for the pregnancy test.

-

walking back into the apartment, you immediately go to the bathroom and take the test. waiting for the test to give out the answer, minho wakes up to you not next to him. grabbing his phone from the nightstand, he goes to your contact and texts you.

my baby <3

where are u ?

hearing the familiar notification bell, he sighs as he realize you didnt take your phone with you. getting up, minho goes to the bathroom and sees you with the test in the palm of your hands. he goes up behind you and hugs you and to see the test come back with positive.

with the biggest smile on his face, minho turns you around to face him. “you dont know how happy i am y/n” “but minho, how are you not mad?” you pulled away from the hug with a confusion look on your face, “shhh, just pretend i wanted this to happen in the future when we dated.” minho back hugs you, facing the bathroom mirror.

you see minhos hands rubbing your stomach. “its been our dream to have kids and get married. and ta da!” turning yourself around, you hug minho at a better position. “thank you minho for loving me back and not leaving us, i love you so much”. minho leaned in and put his forehead on yours. “i love you more than you do baby” and gave you a loving peck.

END <3

yes another minho fic bc this was sitting in my drafts and i dont know where this was heading to hehe

[brushes-of-sage]

Alchemy. It was the only thing that was uniting the princes of Arendelle. While a door had separated the two brothers for the past five years, Hugo found a way to still stay connected to his brother. It all started three years ago, when Hugo realized he was running out of things to do. Oh sure, there were plenty of things in the castle, but that number reduces *significantly* when you realize there’s no one to do these things with you. So, Hugo decided to take up alchemy again. (1/?)

Alright lemme try to see if the keep reading works:

He had stopped working with alchemy when Varian had disappeared behind that cursed door, since alchemy was just another painful reminder of the brother he felt he lost. It was one of the brothers' favorite things to do, along with… along with... well, Hugo couldn’t really remember. The more he tried thinking about things he did with his brother that wasn’t alchemy, he got nothing, just laughter and a small headache. But, the number of things to occupy his time were getting thin.

So, he decided to give alchemy a try. This turned out to be a great decision. Not only did it serve as a distraction, but it served as something to keep his mind going. This distraction worked well for a few weeks until he hit a roadblock. He was trying to perfect an alchemical ice bomb that he had started when he was younger, but could never finish. But nothing seemed to be working. After staring at his disaster of a note pile for the better part of an hour, a little voice in his head said,

“You could go to Varian for help”

“No,” he snapped back, “If Varian wanted to help me or be there for me, he would leave his room. Clearly he doesn’t want to talk to me, or anyone for that matter.” Hugo didn’t want to admit it, but he was starting to get a bit mad at Varian. They were the best of brothers for years, and then just one day, Varian just shuts himself in his room, without a single word as to why. He laid his head on his desk and sighed. “Ah, who am I kidding? I’m going crazy just sitting here, I need to talk to someone, even if its nothing more than alchemy notes.”He gets up, grabs his notes, and starts to make his way to a door he passed by and stared at a million times before. On the way though, his mind is going through a back and forth battle: He wont wanna talk to you! Yes, he does, we havent spoken in forever! I wonder why? Besides its just some alchemy help, I’m not asking anything too extreme! All he has to do is fix a couple equations! What if he tears it up and ignores it, just like he has you these past few years? After this comment, Hugo ended up backtracking back to his room. He’d go tomorrow. Right?

Wrong. It took him three weeks before he found himself staring at the door that plagued his existence for two years now. He raised his hand to knock, and before he could back out, knocked twice and slid the notes through the crack under the door. He started anxiously pacing, his mind going back to the constant battle in his mind that had been raging for the past 3 weeks. After a couple minutes of pacing, Hugo was just about to leave when he heard 2 knocks, and paper slide back under the crack. Instantly, the flurry of anxious thoughts started up again, worrying it would come back blank or with a note saying Varian wouldn't help him. His hands shook as he opened the notes to reveal.. the completed solution. He read the solution 2 3 4 times before a huge smile spread across his face and he laughed a huge genuine laugh he hadn’t used in two years. These notes meant 2 big things: One, he finally had a solution to an alchemy problem he’d had since he was nine. And two, the more important one in Hugo’s opinion, is that his brother doesn’t hate him. That scary thought had crossed his mind multiple times and he had always quickly shot it down, but there was always that one tiny voice who would always say, “But, does he though?” Now, that voice was as good as dead. Varian didn’t hate him. He wasn’t giving him the *total* silent treatment. Maybe he could work up from here, have conversations through the door, send notes, maybe even ask why he was doing any of this in the first place.Just as he’s about to leave for his lab to finish the ice bombs with the now completed formula, Hugo heard two knocks on the door and stopped. He wasn’t expecting anything else. He looked at the bottom of the door and saw a small stack of papers slide under and he picked them up. It was a stack of alchemy notes titled “Melting Bomb” The notes were full of blank spaces and question marks and there was a note attached that said:

Hugo-Please assist me in completing this formula for a melting alchemy bomb. I have been on and off of this project for the past few years, and some assistance would be much appreciated. Thank you.-Varian

As excited as Hugo was that his brother was reaching out to him, and actively looking for his help, he couldn’t help but feel a bit…disappointed at the formality of the note. As if Hugo were some stranger that Varian had just met and had to put up formalities and not his own brother. Nevertheless, he shouts a quick “Be right back!” and dashes off to his room to grab a quill and inkwell. While he runs, he reads over the notes and finds the answer fairly quickly. It wasn’t all that hard, it just was in desperate need of a fresh set of eyes. He scribbled down the answers as quick as possible, not wanting to keep Varian waiting. He runs back to Varians room, knocks 2 times and slips the notes under the door. After a couple of minutes, he hears a soft gasp, the quick scratching of a quill, and a new note being shoved under the door. Hugo picked up the note and stared at the messy handwriting and smiled. This was the big brother he remembered. Thanks for the help! Now go work on your project! This went on for the next few months with notes. Sometimes it wasn't just alchemy they talked about. It started simple, like “How’s your day going” and things like that.

Then it slowly evolved to things like “Get some rest Haristripe” and “You haven’t eaten yet today have you, Hugo?” (Both weren’t exactly the best at self care, especially when they were caught up in their work). The day Hugo finally heard Varian talk was one of the best days of his life. Obviously, he had heard his brother talk before, but it had been years since they had spoken, and as the time passed, Hugo’s memories of Varian’s voice faded. Plus, with the time passing, he knew his voice would have changed. So, when Varian finally said a soft “Thank you”, Hugo’s face lit up with a huge smile. He didn’t talk much, but when he did, Hugo treasured every word he said, committing them to memory. For a while, things were going great. Until one fateful day, when Hugo pushed his luck just a *bit* more than he probably should have. The day started out normal enough, Hugo worked on some experiments he didn’t finish last night, ate some lunch, and then after lunch he grabbed his notes that needed Varian’s help, and started making his way to his room. However, on the way, he realized that as happy as he was to be able to talk to Varian, it didn’t feel *right*. A relationship based solely on notes slipped under a door and minimal verbal talking felt like a false one. What Hugo wanted to know more than anything, was *why*. Why had Varian shut him and the rest of the world out? If it was so necessary, why hadn’t he at least attempted some form of contact? This one word question had plagued Hugo’s mind ever since the door had closed, and he had never really had the confidence to ask it: until now.

So, he went back to his room and wrote out a letter. It was simple, a little more formal than usual, but to the point. It read: Varian- We’ve been talking with each other for a while now, and I feel we are at a point where I can ask this question: Why? Why have you locked yourself in your room and away from the rest of the world? Was it something I did? You can answer as vaguely or specifically as you like, I just would really like some answers. Thanks, Hugo

His hands shook as he folded the letter and slid it under the door. He knew to give Varian a little extra time, this wasn’t just a simple math problem. So Hugo waited. And waited. And waited, until it was dinner time and his stomach forced him to get some food. The whole time, his mind was at war with itself once again: See? You just had to push your luck, didn’t you? He’s giving you the cold shoulder ‘cause you couldn’t leave well enough well enough. No! He’s not giving me the cold shoulder, he’s just taking his time to formulate a response. It’s probably a really long story. Keep telling yourself that. I will! ‘Cause it’s true! If the positive side of Hugo was right, Varian sure was taking his sweet old time, because it was 3 weeks before anything happened. Three weeks of absolute silence from the older prince. The only reason things changed was because Hugo took the brave first step of sliding alchemy notes through the door. Five minutes later, it came back with notes and edits. There were no additional quips, remarks, or any explanations like he had requested three weeks earlier, but this was better than silence. They soon fell back into the routine they had before: notes, minimal verbal communication, and various quips. It felt good to get back to that routine, but a small part of Hugo still ached for answers that he feared would never come. But he never acted on this, fearing that Varian would once again give him the cold shoulder, and this time would ignore him for good.(20/20)

((And there it is! The final part! I hope u enjoyed reading it, this is the first time ive really written something i didnt hate *and* am sharing this with someone. Thank you for taking the time to read this, this means more than u know. Thank you also for letting me take over ur inbox😅Next up im doing this story but w/ varians pov, which ive already started. Thx again! -💙

Ahhhhhh, first off, sorry for getting to this later than I usually do!! These past few weeks have been hectic and I’ve been needing to take a step back and focus more on school and classes and stuff, but I finally got to reading this and OMIGOSH I LOVE IT SO MUCH!!!

(Hope you don’t mind if I just added in some italics and kinda changed the formatting to make it easier to read - didn’t take anything off or anything, but the way tumblr formats asks is a bit weird lol, hope that doesn’t offend you! - also number 7 somehow went missing? 😅)

But OMIGOSH YO - just my heart akfjajdjaj 🥺 The two of them building their relationship slowly through passing letters underneath the door? Oh my heart, and the way you can just feel them getting closer and happier because of it?

But then Hugo asking Varian the why - why did he shut him out, why was he behind the door, why can’t they see each other - and then Varian just suddenly going back to that stiff and formal demeanor after that akfjakfjja I cry ahhhhhhh-

“But he never acted on this, fearing that Varian would once again give him the cold shoulder, and this time would ignore him for good.” - JUST RIP MY HEART OUT BLUE NONNIE AHDKGKAKJD

I absolutely loved seeing Hugo’s hesitance then excitement and eagerness to get closer to his brother whom he barely even knows besides a few memories (and ha, I see the headache there 👀) and only to see that he went too far and the fragile bond they’d forged again had melted and akfjakfjaj the FEELS-

Thank you for sharing and for letting me read your writing! I’m excited to see what you’ve got next for Varian’s POV!!! 😱

[ask-the-party-god]

Ask The Party God - Timeline

the pre-terezi-gang timeline post is here

height references over here

hi, im jade! everyones favorite party goddess and trans doggy girl~ but you already know that! if youre reading this, it means youre interested in learning more about my reality, because paradox space is fucking weird like that and you cant really be sure all the time

as far as im aware, everything up to the point where we beat the game happened without deviations from the alpha timeline? so this is what rose has talked about as a ‘terminal timeline’, or ‘post-canon’, or whatever the hell that is supposed to mean

we got to earth-c, and i settled in the troll kingdom because trolls are cool, dave and karkat were in the neighborhood, and the caverns are close by so i can visit rose and kanaya speedily as well! i still do have my old tower out on an island, with my workshop and garden, but i almost never sleep in it, too far away and isolated from everyone...

then one day i found this old active server in the furthest ring keeping tumblr active and i thought, hey, why not have some fun? ;D

as for the others...

my darling sis june egbert! she lives in the consort kingdom, but has been thinking about relocating elsewhere lately! she went through a rough patch right after the game, unsure of what to do and full of all sorts of doubts and questions, but shes doing a lot better nowadays! specially now that terezi is back, shes been a lot more peppy and hanging around with the lalondes particularly!

rose rose rose rose~ happily married to her wife kanaya, duh, but that doesnt make her any less of a flirty cutie! a while back she got really sick for a bit, and weve been keeping an eye on her just in case it happened again, but its been all good ever since! she helps kanaya at the caverns a bunch, which makes her schedule busy busy... and you didnt hear this from me, buuuut words out on the street that she and kanaya may be warming to the idea of having a kid! <3 well see how that goes!

one cool dude~ daves a little bit of a shut-in honestly! and honestly i dont blame him? he must be tired after all the timeline and time travel shenanigans, so he spends a good chunk of his time hanging out in his and karkats house! hes kind of awkward about opening up with feelings and stuff, and ive been trying to nudge him to be more open for a while! but with all the craziness thats been going down lately, and more people coming and going and getting together, hes starting to consider things he hadnt before~ hopefully, some specific someones? ;)

janey! my uh... ecto-mom, technically, although we see each other more like cousins than anything else! she still owns crockercorp, but ever since jasprose has been around, she has been spending a lot more time at home and just hanging out with her friends, which really, sounds a lot healthier than the big business thing she had going on a while back! she enjoys teaching me baking stuff, but doesnt have much patience for my decorating skills ;p

grandpa! and grandson technically, hehe, jakes kind of a weird case, hes a mixture of a shut-in, a celebrity and an adventurer! he can spend up to weeks at a time without leaving his manor, but then hell have full weeks of interviews and hiking, and thats not to say anything of when he and dirk put out another episode or two of their dumb comedy talkshow... hes often busy with stuff, but hes still a good pal and can clear his schedule in seconds if we need him for something!

one sweet nb dude! rox really is... something else, really! fun to tag along at a party, fun to chill at home playing games, fun to talk about more serious stuff and open up with him, he really is just solid as they come! hes been hanging out a lot more with june since she got out of her depressive slump, but sometimes i wonder if junebug finds weird to get flirty with roxy, considering im pretty sure we made out in front of her at some point or two... hehehe

dirk! if daves a bit of a shut-in, hes a shut-in times two, which is weird because youd think someone stuck in post-apocalyptic earth for so long would want to hang out more? not to say he DOESNT, though! hes around jake often enough, and keeps close to jane, roxy and dave specially! we dont see each other too often, but we HAVE been messing around with robots and planning out to upgrade our respective self-bots for funsies!

aradia! we only met briefly in dreams for the longest time, but i knew already that she was a riot! she came with terezis group after she finally found vriska, and seems pretty happy just... kind of... being around and watching shenanigans ensue! i actually dont know where she lives, but she drops by occasionally, because im apparently pretty ‘fun’... cant say i disagree ;)

sollux is blind, and not dead, and WILL kick you in the shins if you keep prying about how exactly he ended up like that, which is fair enough! he spends a good chunk of his time with aradia, and im not sure if theyre dating or not...? but hes been around the other trolls a bunch! specially kanaya, apparently theyre good friends that go way back! i guess they both DO style their hair similarly, with the side spike thingies...

the other half of the dave-kat duo! swooooon~ really though, i cant remember the last time i said “dave” or “karkat” without talking about the other shortly after... buuut theyre just roomies, and hell get awkward and grumpy if you even so slightly IMPLY otherwise, despite the fact everyone knows they fall asleep leaning against each other during friday movie night! roooolling my eyes~ with the rest of the living trolls having arrived, hes been a lot more willing to go outside, which im glad for! its healthy to get some fresh air from time to time, and specially hang out with friends!

oh-la-la, miss maryam-lalonde herself! kanayas the matriarch of the caverns, and quite the busy gal, having taken it upon herself to supervise her entire species reproduction and well-being... in my opinion, she needs a good vacation from time to time, and to be less of a workaholic! >:o ive been helping her occasionally in the caverns, and as of late weve begun trying to mess around with ectobiology for some troll-human crossing experiments with... not good results so far... but hey, rome wasnt built in a day!

terezis back, yes! after spending YEARS out there looking for vriska, she managed to find her and come back, the madwoman! personally im not sure why anyone would go to such lengths for... her... but also, its not my bond, not my place to speak, she obviously really loves her a bunch! with vriska no longer lost in the middle of the furthest ring, shes started to catch up with everything going on with earth-c, and i think shes really going to like being around! specially with how much june and the rest have missed her ;)

troublemaker extraordinaire herself! shes... well, shes vriska, im pretty sure she stole that eyepatch from sollux? so you just know she up to no good already >:/ speaking of her eyepatch, im not sure WHY shes wearing it? whatever kinda wound she got, she doesnt like mentioning it, despite bragging about defeating english at every chance she gets! terezi says they found her popping in and out of consciousness in the furthest ring with some messy wounds, and that shed probably been hovering out there after the fight for years... doesnt seem to have humbled her in the slightest <.<

callieeeee! theyre super sweet and wonderful but also really shy and awkward! they live with roxy but manage to outdo dirk in terms of shut-in-ness... they also totally like roxy but is unsure about approaching those feelings considering the whole species thing and whatever, ive been trying to get them to open up for a while now! weve written fanfic together and drawn grids, so i can definitely tell theres some attraction there, even if theyre afraid of acting upon it just yet <3

jaspie is roses bane, and the one cat that made me get used to their smell enough that i dont bark at them instantly anymore! im pretty sure she crashes at janes often, and is just as outgoing and flirty as i am around earth-c parties and bars, which is saying something honestly! i wont let her dethrone me as the party god, though >:)

and finally davepeta! theyre staying with june for the time being until they can get settled around and see what they want to do here! theyve also dropped by dave and karkats a bunch, which i most certainly dont mind! i definitely appreciate some help in bringing a romantic vibe into those twos lives~ ;o

and thats about it! theres also the nannasprites and tavrosprite and arquius, but they pop by so sporadically and rarely that i dont know what theyre doing a majority of the time... we lost track of gamzee after the session so hopefully hes totally gone, and we havent heard any message from caliborn in years... and with the furthest ring broken and the black hole sealed, leaving a weird white empty space right in the middle of reality, im not sure what our chances of bringing back the other trolls are :( but still, we keep living on happily over here and having our fun slice of life ending together!

id say after everything weve gone through, we deserve a big break, dont we? hehehe <3

also, particularly important events that happen and are recorded in this blog will be tagged as timeline shenanigans!

[heanv]

New Light | Jaehyun

genre: bestfriends! to lovers

warnings:cursing

word count: 3k

requested by: @poeticxbitch 

song: New Light by John Mayer

Stupid friendzone. Stupid fate.  What did ever Jaehyun did to deserve this?

/ im the boy  in your other phone/

All his and your life you two have been best friends. You knew each other since toddlers  and now it was your last year of highschool. Since the middle school every Friday you and jaehyun had a sleepover either  at your place or at his.Usually you both spent those nights just chilling and talking,,watching a film or something like this and what a coincidence, today it was Friday!  You were coming at his place tonight and he hasn’t been more nervous like this because he found out something he wasn’t pleased with. You had a boyfriend. A real boyfriend and the more he thought about this ,the more uncomfortable he was getting. Everything will be different from now on, you wont spend so much time with him and maybe this will be the end of Friday sleepovers because you would prefer to hang out with your boyfriend.

/lighting up inside your drawer at home all alone/

He shouldn’t think like this, he should be happy for you. But why he is not? Why he was so afraid of what was going to happen? Will you forget about him after all these years of friendship ? Will you stop carrying ?

No.

No way. You were his bestfriend and he was yours bestfriend. You wont stop carrying about him . Never. Yeah, maybe you wouldn’t spend so much time with him but you will never forget him, right?

Jaehyun lied in his bed , running hand through his hair ,pressured from all of the thoughts , running through his head. Why he was like this? Why he couldn’t be just happy for you? You’ve got somebody to love you  and take care of you, why he was so sad and nervous? Why something was eating him from inside like a pain stuck in his chest . Why, just why?

And then it hit him like a sharp slap.He always got to be close to you all this time and now when he got a competitor, sure he did like Mark , he was nice and smart and kind and good at basketball but he never thought Mark and…you that you both can be a thing. And now he wasn’t the one to protect you from the world and be next  to you  when you need him. He never expected that  and he just found out that after all,after all these years ,Jaehyun liked you.

/we talk than you walk away every day/

You were already on his way to Jaehyun’s place ,happier than ever. What’s better than spending time with your bestfriend talking about all the new things going on in your lives?

But something was off, off with Jaehyun. He was acting cold? Distant? Strangely? You were watching a film and you placed your head on Jaehyun’s chest like you always did and he suddenly froze.

“ Jae, is something wrong?” you said, raising your head to face him.

‘’No, it’s just im like really tired,that’s all I swear’’ he said barely looking into your eyes.

‘’You are lying , I know you too well’’ and you were right, you knew him too well and right now that’s not good. You and Jae were like one mind in two bodies.

Silence fills up the room.

‘’Will everything be different now?” he asked breaking the uncomfortable situation.

“ What? Why? Jae, do you mean Mark, oh no. No,no,no. Nothing.Ever.Will.Change,okay? I promise.”

‘’Yeah’’

Everything was going to change.

/oh, you don’t think twice ‘bout me and maybe you’re right to doubt me/

~~~

Jaehyun was right. Everything has changed. Now you rarely spent time with him and he remembered the last sleepover was the one he told him that nothing would change but deep down you knew you were wrong, you felt it coming too.

You guys still talked and still had fun when you actually could see each other for more than a minute the only thing Jaehyun didn’t enjoy was that most of the time you only talked about Mark. He could see that you really liked your boyfriend and your boyfriend liked you too and that was really nice but still he didn’t enjoyed it at all.

This time his feelings for you really got deeper. Maybe because he missed you like crazy and now you couldn’t spend much time with him.

~~~

As the time passed things started changing. You and Mark had your first scandal and even tho only hours later you were fine this day changed a lot of things. Mark thought  you spent too much time with Jaehyun when you two barely talked and you didn’t like the control you boyfriend tried to have over you. Overall dating Mark was good he was sweet and carrying but something was definitely missing, you didn’t know what but you could just feel it. You missed Jaehyun a lot too. You wanted to call him and tell him how you feel but you weren’t that comfortable talking about your boyfriend in front of your best friend.

/ but if you give me just one night you’re gonna to see me in a new light/

Today you called Jae to hang out at your place and from the moment he saw he knew there was something you weren’t telling him.

‘’How’s going with Mark?’’

‘’Um fine yeah everything fine’’ you mumbled not looking him in the eyes.

‘’Are you lying to me?’’

“No”’

‘’Okay’’

But you were lying and he knew that. To the rest of the night you and Jae have fun talking about things ad listening to music. And just like that you realized how much you missed him. You missed this chilling, just doing nothing nobody was better at this then you two. Jaehyun missed you also ,he missed you like crazy.It was already too late for Jae to go home so he just had to stay over. When you both were ready to go to bed you expected him to sleep next to you but instead he went to sleep on the floor and you knew why he did that - you had a boyfriend. After probably an hour later you couldnt fall asleep knowing Jae is sleeping on the uncomfortable ground and so you whispered:

“Jae? You sleeping?”

“No”

“Come here on the bed,please”

“You sure ?”

“Yes”

“Okay” he didnt need a second invatation. He placed his body on the bed with his back facing yours.In the morning you woke up on a something hard and it was moving.You opened your eyes and faced Jaehyun’s chest .Why were you cuddling him in your sleep? And why did he looks so good while sleeping ? His chest slowly raising and his messy hair made him look like a prince without a crown.

/ i wanna know the real thing about you/

When you went to school you were welcomed with Mark’s questions:

“Where were you last night? Why didn’t you pick up the phone, i called you so many times?”

“I was with Jae,okay? Nothing to worry about” you were getting pissed off already.

“But I told you not to spend so much time with him”

“Who are you to tell me what to do?”

“I am your boyfriend if you havent forgotten”

“Well I dont think you are anymore” you said walking off of the scene.

What did you just do?! You broke up with your boyfriend. You really did. If you gotta be honest it felt good,protecting your rights but you really liked Mark.

After school you were on your way home alone when you heard a voice calling for you.You turned and saw Jaehyun running towards you.

“Y/N,wait!” he stopped in front of you,panting from running. “Why did you do this?”

“Do what?”

“You broke up with Mark,why?”

“Bacause he was trying to convince me not to spend anytime with you and thats the least thing i will ever want”

Jaehyun’s skipped a beat and started pounding like crazy, if only you could hear it.

/oh,we can go far from here and make a new world together,babe/

“You didnt have to do this”

“No, I had to do it , if he started with telling me not to see you maybe he would end up choosing me what to wear or control my life” Jaehyun didnt say anything.

~~~

The end of the school year was coming. Now your relationship with Mark was just a short “hi” but now you were closer than ever with Jaehyun. You studied together,cooked, gossiped everything was coming back like how it used to be except the fact that now everytime Jae complimented you, you started blushing and everytime you sank into his eyes you wish you could stay like this forever.Just you and Jaehyun.

Prom was coming too and you were wondering if Jae would invite you because this was your biggest wish right now. You thought about telling him how you feel but you werent so sure. One night you couldnt sleep as your head was full of thoughts when you heard a strange noise coming out downstairs. You tip-toed to the staircase when you heard that the front door was being opened and you panicked. What if this is a thief or a killer? What should you do now? You went to your room quickly and took Jaehyun’s first baseball bat that he gave you years ago in case you need to protect yourself and this time has finally come.You go downstairs and hear the steps coming out of the living room and if this person want to go upstairs he should pass by the kitchen where you were at that moment.The steps were getting louder and you knew you have to knock this person out so you can protect you and your family.The moment you were ready to face this person and hit them a very familiar face surprised you.

“JUNG JAEHYUN WHAT AR-“ your bestfriend put his hand quickly on your mouth before you can wake your parents up.”what are you doing here?” you whispered.

“i-“

“before that,how did you even entered the house?”

‘’you remember last year you told me where the secret key is so um yeah”

‘’ï see but why did do all of this’’ jaehyun looked like he was thinking deeply for his answer.

‘’just trust me with this,okay?’’ he said giving out his hand to take yours. ‘’come with me’’

He took you to your  backyard and he left you speechless.

There was a little table with two chairs with candles and there were string lights put on the trees. When you came closer to the table the candles you realised that the candles are not in a circle or anything but they were saying something.

“PROM?”

Oh gosh. It was written with the candles. Jaehyun was asking you to go on the prom with him. You looked at him with eyes full of tears and he smiled warmly.

“Wait I have something more”

More?

Jae went something like a little chair and there was a projector then he ( author’s note: idk how to say this just imagine) pointed for you to turn around and there was a big white bed sheet hooked between two trees and suddenly an image appeared. You couldnt beleive it a video of you and jae as kids.

“THIS IS MY TOY”

“NO IT’S MINE,Y/N”

“NO”

“YES”

“MUM,JAEHYUN IS TRYING TO STEAL MY DOLL”

You both laughed at the same time and looked at each other. Then another image popped.

“Y/n,lets make some pancakes” Jaehyun loved pancakes,he still does tho.

“Okay but we wont tell our moms,promise?”

“Promise”

You remember that day and after this promise you both decided to film the video as if it was a vlog.

“Hello everyone, we are Y/n and Jaehyun, your local best friends.Today we are going to make some pancakes without telling our moms.Please enjoy and dont tell our moms!”

The video gets messier after this.There was flour all over the floor and your hands were sticky from the eggs.You were stiring the mixture when all of a sudden Jaehyun put some flour on your nose.

“And thats how you prank your bestfriend,bitches” after this you got angry at him and grabed one egg and smashed it on his haed while he was making faces at the camera.

“No, THAT’S how you prank your bestfriend,bitches” you filmed Jae’s shooked face “ I love you,Jae,you know that,right?” he looked at you ready to fight while removing the egg yolk off his head

“I love you too, y/n.So much” you could sence you were at big trouble but you got in even bigger trouble when Jae’s mother suddenly walked in the kitchen.

“WHAT THE HELL KIDS?!”

“okay guys that was all hoped you enjoyed and pray for us” you quickly whispered as you stopped the video recording.

“Remember this?” Jaehyun turned to you with a wide smile.

“Yes of course, your mother didnt let us in the kitchen untill we were 12”

The next video appeared. You were 13 and you both were dressed in red t-shirts , black skinny jeans and black leather jackets obsessed with the song “ cruisin’ for bruisin’ “ from  ‘’ teen beach movie’’.This film was addiction for you two and in the video you are trying to recreate the song.

“ we had so much fun that day,Jae’

‘’yeah, remember when we had to sing ‘’meant to be’’ we pretended to be in love but we didn’t know how so we searched in youtube’’

‘’oh my gosh yes we did it’’

Another video appeared.Now you were 15. You could see that is very dark outside and you were the one filming the video.

‘’ Hi my name is y/n , right now is 3:14am and im going to prank my best friend Jaehyun that we are late for the first school day’’ Then you entered his room but before waking him up you put a sticky note on his forehead saying “it’s 3am idiot, go to sleep’’ and after that you went to the peacefully sleeping  friend of yours and started you plan.

‘’JAE WAKE UP WE ARE GOING TO BE LATE’’

‘’is it time already?” he said laying on the other side so now his back was facing you.

‘’YES JAE, ITS 8:15 AM AND WE ARE SUPPOSED TO BE IN SCHOOL AFTER 15 NINUTES’’

Finally Jaehyun showed some reaction as he quickly turned to you.

‘’WHAT WHY DIDN’T YOU WAKE ME UP EARLIER’’

‘’BECAUSE I JUST WOKE UP TOO’’

‘’oh shit’’ he stood up going to the bathroom and then you waited for the moment he would see himself in the mirror.

‘’ Y/N IM GOING TO KILL YOU’’ was the last thing Jae said and you stopped the video.

‘’I had so much fun that morning’’ you turn to Jae while laughing

‘’Yeah me too I couldn’t fall asleep after that”

“Really”

“ Yeah and I was bored because you were sleeping”

You turned to see that now instead of videos a slideshow appeared.There were photos of you both since you were babies to photos taken before week or too.

‘’So’’ Jaehyun said all of a sudden whole you both watched the slideshow, diving into mnemories

/if you give me just one night to meet you underneath the moonlight/

‘’So what”

Jae stood up from the chair and come in front of you sitting on the grass.

‘’Will you go on the prom with me?”

“Yes, of course’’ you answer no doubting a single second.

‘’You are the bestest  best friend ever , Y/N.’’

Yeah, a bestfriend.

‘’Thank you for everything Jae’’

“No need to thank me’’ he smiled warmly and hugged you.

~~~~~

Today was prom day.You were so nervous. You wanted everything to be perfect. You were ready and waited for Jae to pick you up . When he finally came your parents made a thousand photos of you both.

‘’Okay,Mum, that was enough we gotta go’’

‘’Okay,honey, have fun’’

And you did. You danced all night with Jae, with your girlfriends, you even saw Mark and stopped to talk with him to make sure that everything is alright and that you don’t need to hate each other only because you relationship with him didn’t work out.

‘’ I guess I was just jealous of him’’ Mark chuckled. “When are you going to tell him?”

“Tell him what?” you looked at him puzzled.

“ Duh,y/n, isn’t it obvious , you both are so in love, its crazy’’ you felt yourself blushing’

‘’You think so?’’

‘’Yes, I know its like this, now go and get your man and don’t come back without him.’’ You smild wildly , hugging Mark tightly, knowing that you just won a new friend.

‘’Thank you ,Mark’’ he nodded smiling and then you got lost in the crowed , looking for Jaehyun to finally tell him the truth.But you couldn’t find him as if he just disappeared.

Its been 10 minutes and you still couldn’t find him. Suddenly  the scene lit up. Maybe its time for the `Queen and King of the prom but you were wrong. Jaehyun walked on the stage. You couldn’t believe you eyes.What was he doing there?

‘’Hello everyone, I know you were expecting the nominations for the king and queen of the prom but they will be a bit later,okay? So I am here to confess something. Its been a while since ive had crush on that girl and tonight I want to tell her.’’

Jaehyun liked somebody and you didn’t know? You felt tears battling to come out but you don’t let them.Your bestfriend was in love and you should be happy for him  the same way he was happy for you and Mark.

‘’Y/N’’ you turned quickly to see jaehyun eyeing you from the stage. ‘’’we’ve been friends since we can remember.We’ve pranked each other, we had laughed together we had been through so much but we did it because we were together. You and me. I know we made a promise to stay bestfriends forever but I cannot, I fell in love. Ever since I remember I’ve known that you are special, that we are special. The way we laugh and talk to each other is different than everybody else. I know that I will never meet anyone who I can trust as much as I can trust you and I think most  people search their whole lives to find something I’ve already found. I love you, y/n.’’

This time you let the tears out. He loved you too, he really did and he confessed in front of the whole school to prove his love. You went to the stage with half-crying, half-smiling face, you hugged Jae and said.

‘’I love you too Jae, so much’’ and then he kissed you, a thing you have only dreamt about . You heard the clapping and the screams of approval from the students. You found Mark in the crowd and he send you an encouraging thumbs up and finally you turn again to your now bestfriend-boyfriend and kiss him one more time.

/what do I do with all this love running through my veins for you?/

masterlist

[baek--honey]

1-50 bitch

well since u asked nicely how could i resist

1. If you didn’t have to sleep, what would you do with the extra time? paint/draw or the like, or knit maybe,

2. What’s your favorite piece of clothing you own/owned? MY HOT MOMS SHIRT THAT I LOST ;n; also the big grey hoodie i have & a pierce the veil shirt i borrowed from my gf that im never giving back :)

4. How often do you play sports? never

5. What fictional place would you most like to go to? The Digital World

6. What job would you be terrible at? probably anything involving extensive memorizing and maintaining information for long periods of time. so basically a lot of things…… or maybe like. working at starbucks cos i cant make coffee OR remember lots of drink recipes omg

7. If you could turn any activity into an Olympic sport, what would you have a good chance at winning a medal for? playing kingdom hearts 2 on easy mode. i would have a good chance at winning because all the people that are good at playing kingdom hearts are gaming elitists that think playing on easy is for losers and if you dont play on critical mode you arent a real gamer :)

8. What skill would you like to master? making an omelet OR knitting

10. What would be the most amazing adventure to go on? some out of town adventure with my girlfriend where money and time dont matter 

11. If you could change one thing about your life right now, what would you change and why? uh i’d like to be less haunted by my traumatic past maybe! or be a few inches taller that would be cool i feel like both of these are pretty self explanatory 

12. What’s your favorite drink? W A T E R or milk tea 

13. What do you consider to be your best find? my girlfriend 

14. Are you usually early or late? way too early. too mcuh time i dont know what to do with it

15. What pets did you have while growing up? hm lets see i had a couple turtles, some fish, i had a gerbil that i got from a friend, an african grey named solomon, boston terrier named Tiny, two white boxers named Floyd & Lloyd, a mix named Macy, 4 chihuhuas named Dude, Pooty, Flout & Chief, and now we have a cat named Schrödinger :~), oh and an amstaff/dalmation mix named EL

16. When people come to you for help, what do they usually want help with? anything and everything but never really asking for advice i guess? its more of them talking about a problem cos im easy to talk to and then me trying to help them come up to a solution if they need it

17. What takes up too much of your time? S L E E P I N G 

18. What do you wish you knew more about? cats!!!! also dogs cos i know a lot but i want to know more

19. What would be your first question after waking up from being cryogenically frozen for 100 years? why am i still alive?

21. Who’s your go-to band or artist when you can’t decide on something to listen to? seventeen or monsta x, exo’s LMR repackaged album

22. What shows are you into? the office, lost, honestly nothing thats still running on tv, i havent watched a show in forever, oh god wait does anime count cos i could write the longest list of anime i love: haikyuu, nge, digimon, noragami ,,,,,,

23. Who has impressed you most with what they’ve accomplished? Seventeen (Hangul: 세븐틴), also stylized as SEVENTEEN or SVT, is a South Korean boy group formed by Pledis Entertainment in 2015. The group consists of thirteen members divided into three sub-units, 

24. What age do you wish you could permanently be? a dog mom & i hope i can make that wish come true

25. What would be your ideal way to spend the weekend? napping on and off in bed with my girlfriend and then going to town for sushi & milk tea and then uhhhhhhhhhhh coming back home to nap some more and then go out for noodles for another date :} oh and a dog would be involved if possible because cuddling dogs is best

26. What’s something you like to do the old-fashioned way? physically writing and sending cards/letters in the mail i guess? i dont know if that really counts as doing something the old fashioned way but i definitely dont get as many cards or anything in the mail anymore. i also like to keep physical hand written to-do lists & schedules and stuff

27. What have you only recently formed an opinion on? how bad exo are at dancing  turtlenecks and scarves. they are good 

28. What’s the single best day on the calendar? october 10th my dogs birthday and also narutos birthday

29. What are you interested in that most people haven’t heard of? asmr??? 

30. What is the most annoying question that people ask you? “did u have a little lamb?” OR when my grandpa asks me anything about his iphone 

31. What could you give a 40-minute presentation on without absolutely no preparation? my dogs or seventeen. OR a half ass presentation about kingdom hearts, trying to explain it while getting around all the plot holes and not nailing down my arguments cos i dont really get it either and theres a lot i dont pay attention to but i could come up with 40 mins of info im sure

32. If you were a dictator of a small island nation, what crazy dictator stuff would you do? no waking until 10am. no crime or anything will be allowed ill figure out some way to make everything perfect so women can go out alone at night and not be afraid. no discrimination !! all the poc, lgbt, disabled, any minority  will be welcome and have safe spaces and any hate will be punished by law. also everyones allowed to have pets in their homes and no home goes without food or power. am i doing this right

33. What is something you think everyone should do at least once in their lives? travel out of your comfort zone. like physically travel somewhere and make the most of it but do it with someone cos the buddy system is important

34. What’s worth spending more on to get the best? jackets. i will pay up to 100$ for a good jacket and wear it forever cos itll be confirmed long-lasting and also most likely very comfortable!!!

35. What is something that a ton of people are obsessed with but you just don’t get the point of? i just want to point out that its not that i dont get the point of it because everyone has their likes and i have my own that other people dont i like that people are into whatever they want to be its just that i am Not into it. and that thing is yuri on ice

36. What are you most looking forward to in the next 10 years? being able to wake up every morning next to my girlfriend and out pets :~)

37. Where is the most interesting place you’ve been? corning museum of glass was super neat……. , dollywood, gatlinburg, chicago chinatown, idk i havent been to many interesting places 

38. What’s something you’ve been meaning to try but just haven’t gotten around to? i wana get a tattoo !!!!!!!!

39. What’s the best thing that happened to you last week? getting a job interview at barnes & noble because now i have a job there!!!

40. What piece of entertainment do you wish you could erase from your mind so that you could experience it for the first time again? diamond edge chicago

41. If all jobs had the same pay and hours, what job would you like to have? all i really want is that job where im paid to sleep 

42. How different was your life one year ago? tbh not that much different?? other than i was in school and now im not. i didnt have a job and now i do. i was a year further away from moving 

43. What’s the best way to start the day? talking to my girlfriend and also let me just say that first pee in the morning. perfect

44. What quirks do you have? what are quirks exactly i looked up examples to help me think of some but all im thinking of is…i cant have the volume on my tv or radio on an even number it has to be on an odd number??? i have to sleep with a fan on. idk dude

45. What would you rate 10/10? [MV] 몬스타엑스 (MONSTA X) _ 걸어 (ALL IN)

46. What kind of art do you enjoy most? abstract w lots of colors and shapes. geometric stuff 

47. What do you hope never changes? my ability to collect myself (unless it gets better which then i hope it does), my passion for art of any sort

48. What city would you most like to live in? anywhere except charleston and somewhere thats not extremely highly populated

49. What movie title best describes your life? Scooby Doo 2 - Monsters Unleashed

50. What’s the best way a person can spend their time? sleeping or hanging out with their pet

[jimiin]

it’s crazy how seeing two of my favorite professors in the world again after a few months and reading my poetry in front of them at the open mic when they’re two of the biggest reasons why i even started writing poetry or felt confident enough to read my work in front of other people can feel so freeing but also so terrifying at the same time i almost feel numb like it is the weirdest sensation in the world. i think a big part of it is that i’m just so sad and in such a bad point in my life reading in front of them reminded me how much better i was doing a few months ago during my last semester and how much school was really an escape for me. i want to go on to grad school so bad but i’m so scared and in such a rut i havent written anything new in months and i feel so guilty about it it’s like the more time that passes from graduation the less i feel like i can do all the things i want to do. but then after reading i got feedback from other older writers in the audience and one lady told me how excited she is to read my stuff one day and how she doesn’t think i can avoid a poetic future even if i try and i’m like ! holy shit maybe i can do this! i just really really really hope i start doing better soon these have been some of the worst months in my life i think i’m more depressed now than i was like a year ago even though some really horrible stuff was going on and it’s really because i don’t have school anymore or my sisters anymore or even see my friends much anymore its just weird i’m just numb like scary numb i just want it to stop

[groundramon]

for the ask the blogger thing... ☂ - favorite season? ✐ - fave types of movies? ♪ - music you like?✌ - favorite bands/ singers? ♒ - fave animes? ❦-.fave characters? ღ - mottos? I'm spamming u with those sorry

SHHH NO I LOVE BEING SPAMMED WITH QUESTIONS SO THANK YOU

Also thank you for including the questions with the emojis that makes this 10x easier for me lmao

anYWAYS

☂ - favorite season?Winter!!  Nice and cool AND you dont have school for two weeks lmao

✐ - fave types of movies?Generally animated; I enjoy animation and movie animation tends to be consistently pretty high-quality (even the fucking emoji movie looks pretty decent) not to mention live action movies always seem to have really bad sound mixing??  Meaning important things you NEED to hear like whispering are too quiet and explosions are too loud even when you dont change the tv volume.  But even then, saying I prefer animated movies isn’t exactly accurate because….I haven’t gone to the theater for a single animated movie this year.  The only ones so far that I would’ve considered were Lego Batman (which I have on dvd now but i havent watched) and Cars 3.  I’m hoping to see Coco in theaters but other than that….i can wait for it on dvd or just not watch it at all because I’d prefer to rewatch a movie I like.

I also dont like calling animated movies a genre, so if we’re going by genre, I’d say fantasy-adventure stories tend to be my favorites, but sci-fi can be fun as well.  I just want a good, heartfelt story that doesn’t take itself so seriously that you can’t have fun but also takes itself seriously enough that you really feel for the characters.

♪ - music you like?GOD I WISH I KNEW??  I’ll literally listen to everything from vocaloid to mainstream pop to techno music to video game OSTs and everything in-between and outside of that.  I’m generally more picky with rap music, techno/electronic music, and just anything that gets screechy or is too intense with its instrumentals, but….I can listen to hard metal music when im trying to fall asleep at night, so i mean.

✌ - favorite bands/ singers?Again, god I wish I knew.  I have a tendency to think “oh, this is alright, I’ll listen to a few of this artist’s songs” and then moving on and never thinking about them again.  One artist that I’ve come back to repeatedly is Sabrina Carpenter though, her music is nice and a few of her songs are some of my all-time faves, its probably not for people who cant stand mainstream pop tho.  Also shout out to Mystery Skulls for officially licensing Mystery Skulls animated instead of taking them down for copyright infringement lmao also their music is some of the techno music that i actually like

♒ - fave animes?I havent watched enough animes aaAAAA but I will always and forever love Digimon.  Like I dont think any anime will surpass the personal attachment I have to the Digimon series.  It’s just so silly and charming and for a long time it was the best thing I had ever seen and it’s honestly still just….really enjoyable.  (Honestly it gives me fossil fighters vibes, I think I like them both for the same reason tbh)  Digimon Adventure is definitely my favorite, Tamers is really good but I actually have a bit of a personal bias against Tamers because it scared me as a kid :’D its still a good season tho and i appreciate it a lot more now that im older.  And FRONTIER IS ACTUALLY GOOD, PEOPLE CAN FIGHT ME it’s got the same vibe as the first four seasons, even if the concept seems vastly different, and is really enjoyable if you arent blinded by your love for the digimon partners in the old series.  After that though its kinda….ehhh.  Data Squad and Fusion didnt have the same feel, although Fusion did it much better, but…its just not the same.  I really dislike Marcus so it makes Data Squad less enjoyable, plus i just…idk, it doesnt seem to have as much life as the first four seasons and is written and animated in a different way to me.  Fusion is kinda interesting in the second arc (ive only seen the first three arcs; the third arc/seventh season [idk which it is] hasnt been dubbed yet so…) but it takes itself too seriously because it removes its primary comic reliefs - and also the best characters - after the end of the first arc.  So we’re left with the Digimon as the only comic reliefs and….ehhh….theyre not as good.  Also I havent seen the Appmon anime and idk how good it is but im still salty that they stole the name of the project that ive had floating around in the back of my head for years so i havent done anything related to Appmon.  AND Digimon Tri is good but i still need to catch up on it ahaha cries (planning to get a trial at crunchyroll to watch the last two parts when the last part comes out)

But enough about Digimon.  Besides Digimon, I really did enjoy Fullmetal Alchemist Brotherhood; I do have some gripes with the series (namely the earlier episode and how much happens in the earlier episodes vs how much happens in the later episodes, so pacing problems basically) but it’s still really good and I LOVE AL.  There was an anime I watched with my dad several years back called Blue Dragon that I remembered enjoying a lot, but then disowning because it turns out in the original my favorite character was a perfect example of the anime pervert trope.  Dubs are fun lmao.  But I feel like I’d pick up more on the changes they made between the two versions now (the sub version being riddled with swears and innuendos, and the dub version being dubbed for kids) and probably wouldnt enjoy it as much anymore.  I also barely remember shit about it except a plot twist at the end that i spoiled for myself but still had no idea it was coming.  I was like 11 when i watched it, its been a long time.

❦-.fave characters?Well I already mentioned loving Al, but I also love Pidge from VLD, Amanda from Dream Daddy, Baymax and Hiro from BH6, and Napstablook from Undertale.  Also like all of the main characters in Fossil Fighters Champions but shhh.

I really want to add Hunk to this list but honestly as the seasons in VLD go on it becomes more and more apparent to me that he’s just a running fat joke; Lance looks like he could be building up to something, but I haven’t got a clue where Hunk could go besides more of the same.  So :’) my boy deserves better, he can join the group again when Dreamworks gets its shit together.  Sorry Hunk, I still love you and I’d treat you better if you were mine (//looks at my characters all burning in hell and sweats// well maybe not better but…)

ღ - mottos?Uhhh idk?  Does this mean like, mottos I follow, catchphrases I use a lot, or inspirational quotes?  Idk I’ll give all three

I try to live my life by the policy of “do to others as you would have them do to you.”  That’s like my number 1 rule about doing anything.  I dont understand how people can be intentionally dicks to other people or so something that they would hate happening to them; what, dont you realize that other people have the same feelings as you?  I know I’ve hurt other people but still, it’s always been in instances where the pros outweighed the cons if I put themselves in their shoes.

As for catchphrases I use a lot, probably “mood” or “god same” because this site has completely broken my sense of anything

As for inspirational quotes, well here are some copy-pasted directly from my dA page:

“No man deserves to be trapped in jelly.” - Rupert from Fossil Fighters Champions“what motivates Scart? That’s right: the nut” - Tumblr user claratyler“I am slowly going crazy” - Dr. Jean, songwriter of children’s music and my lord and savior“I’m still mad at Seth McFarlane btw but im more concerned with my tree cookies” - me“I was out of the third bean” - Yolei’s mom from Digimon Adventure 02

[ravenspacemaker]

my coming out story (its kinda odd)

all inspired by the great @bugguhl

okay so just some background, me and my dad have a super strong relationship like hes probably one of my best friends and im his favorite child (its obvious). also im a girl (in case u didnt know).

basically ever since i was a little kid i loved boys. when i was like four i told a waiter at a restaurant that i thought he was handsome, and there were so many other stories my grandparents/parents have told me since i was little about my love for boys. elementary school was pretty ordinary. i was one of those 4th/5th grade hoes who was a serial dater and dated all the boys in the class. like obv those arent real relationships or anything, but i was boy crazy from a very young age.

after i finished elementary school, i started going to a private school for middle school, starting in 6th grade (mainly because my bff was going there but my parents liked that i was gonna be in an upscale and controlled environment or whatever idk). i continued my boy crazy ways in middle school but this is the first time i really remember being into girls. i was the new kid (the school went from pre-nursery which is like for 2 year olds up until 12th grade so many people have been there all their lives) so i was meeting everyone in my grade of like 25 kids for the first time. i was like entranced by these two girls who i’ll call catherine and jessica. they were just both so pretty and i was just in love with them. through my people-pleasing ways i managed to become really close friends with the two of them (again, the grade had 25 kids, so it wasnt hard making friends). nothing really ever happened with them, but this is when i started thinking it was possible i wasnt fully straight. also, around this time i discovered porn lol, and i started becoming fascinated with just girls. however, i still refused to admit i was anything but straight (this probably is because when i was a little kid we had a lesbian in my family but my family didnt know if id understand what that meant so they told me that it was normal for girls to be attracted to other girls soooo i think my young brain just couldnt comprehend that even more)

eventually at the end of 7th grade i started wanting to leave private school just because i missed all my old friends so i went back to my public school for 8th grade. early in 8th grade i started reconnecting with my old friends from elementary school, and at lunch i reconnected with this girl who ill call wanda (im trying to keep the names somewhat similar and she had a weird W name im sorry lmao). me and wanda ended up becoming super close, and she introduced me to her whole friend group. they were all super beautiful girls, kinda like those cliche gorgeous girls u see in movies. 

as we got older, our “clique” kinda got stronger and stronger, and when we got to high school we befriended two new girls who were equally gorgeous. me and wanda had become best friends at this point too. when i was in high school i guess u could say i was a party girl. my friend group partied a lot, but like mostly with other groups. and basically all of us had boyfriends a lot of the time, but i knew deep down that i was really attracted to wanda and i wished that i could date her. also, at this age i knew what bisexuality was and probably knew that was what i am, but it was like trendy to call the ugly girls lesbians with these girls i was friends with (ik its horrible), so i was scared to really say anything about it.

junior year i was dating this guy who we’ll call eric. i was kinda a terrible girlfriend, and eric ended up dumping me because of this. and so afterwards we went out to a party and me and wanda both got pretty fucked up. we went into some bedroom together and just started joking about how we were done with boys (her and her bf had recently split too) and she was like “lol what if i kissed u”. so basically we kissed, and then we both started doing that annoying drunk laughing about how we were “lesbians”. we did some other stuff too and that was that.

afterwards, we both knew we did stuff the night before and i think each of us were happy about it, but we thought the other would be ashamed so we were super awkward. eventually she just texted me and tried to be cool about it and joked around or whatever. but eventually we decided that there was actually something more to this and decided to go out on a “date”. as i was walking out the door that night my dad asked me where i was going so i told him i was going on a date, and he asked me what his name was, so i just said “her name”. he was a little shocked i could tell, but all he said was just “oh okay, have fun”. idk why i was so upfront like that cuz that really isnt like me at all, but im happy i was.

anyways so me and wanda like lowkey dated in the closet for a month, but it wasnt anything serious and i think both of us were kinda just hurting from getting dumped. we ended up deciding to just be friends but things were weird because we were the only ones who knew what had happened between us and everyone in school thought we were just bffs. i never actually came out publicly, in high school. during my senior year i found a new friend group and was open about being bisexual with them and it wasnt a big deal or anything, but i never publicized it to the whole school. when i went to college i started introducing myself openly as bisexual. i never really told my family about it but they all either know via my dad (hes a loudmouth) or have no reason to know until i begin a real relationship with a girl. 

honestly this story is pretty underwhelming now that ive written out the whole thing im so sorry for wasting ur time. also if ur wondering if ive ever been with girls after this, yes i have but i havent dated any (im willing if i find the right one though lmao).

[wheretheroadsplits]

12/31/2019

Dear Dad,

I havent written to you in while and I apologize for that. Usually when I write to you, its my time to greive and cry. I have been so busy with school and finals that I havent even given myself time to cry this month because of the holidays. Today is the last day of the year. To be honest I dont know how I feel about it. A part of me is excited to start a new year, a new chapter but at the same time a part of me is sad about it. So much has happened this past year that I dont know if Im ready to leave it behind. I know it doesnt mean that I am leaving you behind. I can never do that. But it just doesnt feel right. Ive been trying to be strong and to keep going because I know that is what you wouldve wanted. For us to continue our lives but I just miss you so damn much. It was hard being around Bri’s family during the holidays because I see her dad and Uncle Perno and I just kept thinking to myself about how much I want you to be here. It has been 9 months since you passed away and I still hear you breathing during your last few minutes. I close my eyes and I still see you laying there in the bed, no reaction or response. I still think about the last time I told you That I love you. Written on a wrote board because you lost your hearing and couldnt hear the words come from my own mouth. 9 months later and I still cry as if it just happened yesterday. I would do anything just have you back. I miss you so damn much Dad.

So much time has passed since I last wrote to you so I will catch you up on everything that has happened so far. Actually, alot of good things happened.

I finished my first semester of grad school! Honestly, it was not hard at all except for the finals. But it was mainly just alot of work, not really “hard”. I took three classes this past semester and I really loved all of them. I learned sooooo much and Im just excited to graduate and start my career. I had to do journal enteries and mine ended up being 25 single spaced pages... thats really what killed me this semester. It took so long but I actually did it. I recieved only 1 grade so far and its a 100% in my online class. You wouldve been so proud of me. I know i wasted so much time and money because I switched my major when I shouldve just kept my education major but I feel like this is where Im supposed to be. My life wouldve been way different if it didnt go down this path and honestly Im grateful that ot did.

Frankie got into the police academy!! You wouldve been beyond proud of him dad! I am so happy that he finally figures out what he wanted to do with his life. He has struggled so much over the years, I am glad that he is finally happy. He loves living with Shari. He is officially a traitor and began being an eagles fan 🤢 But I guess we can forgive him for that since he is now a south jersy boy, right? He came home for christmas and it felt good to be all together. Crazy to think that the last time we were all together was two years ago for christmas. We spent christmas just the 5 of us in our house and it was the best christmas by far. I know Frankie wouldve wanted to be here last year for your last christmas with us, but we didnt know it was going to be the last. I wish we did. On the other hand, Frankie and Shari are doing really good. Still fighting but not as bad. That will never change because lets be honest, Frankie can be an asshole and Shari is an air head. Oddly enough they compliment eachother. I know he misses you even though he doesnt say it or show it.

Guess what dad.....YOUR GOING TO BE A GRANDPA!!!!!Jess and Franklin told us on christmas! We were so excited! There will finally be a lil one of us running around haha. It is still super early so we cant tell anyone just yet but it is all so exciting. I kno Jess is a lil sad because you wont be here for this experience but she is hanging in there. You wouldve been an amazing grandpa. I just keep picturing you sleeping on the couch with our kids laying on your chest sleeping, just like how you did when we were little. Franklin is a great man and he will be an amazing father. Jess and the baby are in great hands dad, you wont have to worry about them. Franklin is taking really good care of them.

Bri is thinking about going back to school become an OTA. She is so excited about it, I know this would be perfect for her. Im glad that she is finally figuring out what she wants to do with her life. We decided to start working out and eating healthy this new year. I know weve said it so many times before but this is it. We are going to make changes this coming year. I cant imagine doing all this without her. She has been my rock. I am so in love with her dad, I dont even know how to describe it. I really do see myself being with her for the rest of my life. I wish you got to know her like this. But im just happy that you got to meet her and you knew the truth. The main thing was that I wanted you to meet the woman that I love and you did. I plan on to marry her one day, and I wish you could have been there but I will save you a seat up front next to mommy. I know you loved me very much and accepted us being together.

Christmas didnt feel the same at all. I do not think any of us was in the holiday spirit but we all tried to be for Mommy. Mommy over did it with the gifts this year. But she does every year so are you actually surprised by that? I joked around and said that its because you werent here to tell her no haha She misses you so much. I can tell that she was sad to not have you here this year. I invited her to Bri’s family on Christmas eve and she actually came! It look like she had alot of fun, Im just glad that she came out with us instead of being home alone after Aunt Rosaria’s house. Today is New Years Eve and she is spending it with Jessica and Franklin. She was going to stay home alone but I guess they convinced her to go over. I told her that I would stay home with her but she told me not to. I just dont want her to be alone tonight. She is a very strong woman, you married a wonderful person. I honestly dont know where I would be if it was not for her.

Finally, Luigi, Lily and Layla love you. Luigi misses you and still lays down on your recliner and sleeps on your side of the bed. Dont worry Dad, hes keeping Mommy good Company. Still being a pain in the ass ofcourse!

Its crazy. When you were sick, I thought I was okay. I thought that I came to terms with what was going to happen. And I remember sitting around the table with Mommy, frankie, jessica & franklin and we were just talking about it when you were in the hospital. Frankie said that we are okay now but what is really going to hurt is down the line when the significant life moments happen, and your not here to experience it with us. I knew that it was going to hurt but I never knew that these moments would come so soon. Frankie moving out, jessica married and pregnant, Me and bri, going back to college, getting Layla. All of these moments that you should be here for and you are not. That is what hurts the most.

Its going to be a new year and I am still going to hold you very close to my heart. I will continue writing you letters and thinking about you every day. I will continue to take care of this family and be there for them when they need it. I will continue making you proud in every way possible.

I miss you and I love you more than anything.

Love always,

Your little girl

Gabriella xoxo

[bmyselfandi-blog]

mom

there was a time in my life where the hardest thing i was going through was a high school breakup. i thought the world was ending, that id never experience a worse heartbreak than that one. i got over it and went back to the guy a few times. it was on and off. that was the beginning of my junior year, around september. come april 21st i received the worst news i could have handled at the time. my mom was diagnosed with cancer. now she never really told us, well at least me, she never told me the stage of the cancer. but it was rectal. they tell you not to look up that kind of shit because it will scare you but me, i dont listen when told not to do something. now, i probably should have, it scared me what i found, but also gave me hope. it said curable. they said long life span. so, in my mind it was all going to be okay. my dad took it very hard. i poften found him crying alone, and i cried too. we all did. my mom was the type of person to help anyone in need, she was amazing, loving, wonderful, generous, warm, any fucking word to describe an angel, that was fucking her. still is. anyways fast forward about a year, end of my senior year. i start dating this new guy, hes amazing, he gave me the world. i couldnt have asked for a better man. stuck by my side through some fucked up shit that was my fault. we had our fights, like every couple. he did some things that i didnt like but i pushed past it because i loved him. thats what couples do right? well, not even a year later i spent less time with my family, more time with him and his. i regret that every day of my life. ill never forget the first day of my new job my dad made me cry because he told me my mom thought id rather spend time with my boyfriends mom than her. i balled my eyes out on my way to work. i never wanted to hurt my moms feelings like that. she couldnt do much, she was weak and it was getting harder for her to do everyday things. that was november. come march 25. it was a saturday. my mom was sitting in her spot on the couch and my dad was downstairs on the computer. i dont remember my sister being home. my mom asked me to look at her eyes and tell me what color the whites were, they were yellow. that meant jaundice. i told my dad, we told her she needed to go to the hospital. she said she didnt feel well and didnt want to go that day and if she wasnt feeling any better shed go the next day. i didnt think too much about it, this wouldnt be the first hospital trip that month or let alone that year. sunday; i went to my boyfriends to hangout and have dinner. after dinner my dad told and said they were going to the hospital. we then drove up to meet them. they took my mom in the back, i went back with her as did everyone else. the crazy thing is, is i dont remember all too much. i remember being back h=there, them asking her certain questions that made me sad, like if she was sad, depressed, thinking about dying. i brought her up some things when we went, i had this pair of ankle fuzzy sicks that i gave to her, she asked me to put them on her feet, i remember there being a hole in the big toe, she thought it was funny. it got later, they ended up admitting her but were trying to find a room. my dad had to work the next morning and i hadnt started my new job so i told him i would stay with her that night so she wasnt alone. they had a room in the pediatric ward so they sent us up. there were two cribs, a bed and a couple chairs in the room. i slept in the chair that turned into a bed. the nurses were very nice. we got some rest after being moved up there. it was very late, almost 4am. the next morning my uncle was up there and my dad came soon after as well. days went by, i started my new job, id go up as soon as i got off to go and see her. she got worse each day but we didnt think anything of it. turns out the tumor was actually starting to quickly crush her liver. she started not being able to talk well. they eventually put her on a heavy breathing treatment. she stopped talking and responding. my dad asked a timeline and the doctor said he didnt like to put timelines. i thought she would get better. they had my dad sign a DNR, we werent going to make her suffer if she didnt have to. it was selfish of us to want her to stay with how much pain i knew she was in. we had family up there always. april 4th. it was a wednesday. by now they had put my mom into hospice care, we had the option of bringing her home but we didnt want to make her uncomfortable by moving her. they gave us the whole room we were in. 315 bed B. we had people come and talk to us about urns and getting things like that. a hospice worker told us that their phone line was always available to talk on, whether it was a week later or a year later. i didnt have workbthat day. i went up to the hospital early. my moms cousin Colleen was there. my boyfriend came up as well. my dad my sister and her cousin kim came up as well. we hung out all day. i told colleen i probably wouldnt end up going to this festival i had in may because i wanted to be there everyday for my mom. colleen said that was almost 2 months away and that my mom may not be here by then. i didnt want to think about that. my mom would always be here right? that night me and my boyfriend ordered chinese. we were going to pick it up but they had delivery. we were also supposed to go to the store but we decided not to for some reason i dont remember. we ate our nasty chinese food. i got shrimp and lobster sauce, my moms favorite. we were all sitting aruond talking. my dad had ran home to let the dogs out since no one had been home in a while. anytime he would leave the room for anything longer than a half hour he would hug my mom and tell her to wait for him. he left. he got to the house. he let the dogs house. we were sitting there when my boyfriend looked over at my mom. her eyes were open. they hadnt been open in days. we instantly went over to her. her cousin got the nurse. me and my sister held her hand. i called my dad crying. all i could muster out was the word “hurry” and the pain in his voice when he said “okay” was enough to break anyones heart. the nurses knew. we all knew. i held my moms hand crying. my boyfriend rubbed my back. i told her i loved her. my sister told her she loved her. kim consoled her. we knew her fight was over. kim closed my moms eyes and like that she was gone. it was 10:15. we had to wait for a doctor to pronounce time of death. time of death was 10:25. my dad got there, tears in his eyes. we called family to tell them. his best friend was up in a heartbeat. his brother came up. i called my best friends. sarah and her boyfriend were up within minutes. my boyfriend held me. everyone cried. my dad hugged me and my sister so tight. the nurses were wonderful and sweet. it was probably 3 something in the morning when we left. i said my final goodbyes and told her i loved her. how could i just leave my mom in this room all alone? i couldnt handle it. i drove home with my boyfriend and let my dad drive alone. i dont know why i did that. i should have went with him. we got home and i couldnt tell you anything after that. i dont remember much about the days that followed. i know the next day we had to make phone calls to change things into our names and take my moms off. we received lots of “im so sorry for you loss”’s. it got sickening. we got flowers, cards, food. my boyfriends family was so helpful. i took that friday off of work and went back monday. got a lot of sorrys there too. her memorial was friday the 13th. i worked that morning. i shouldnt have but i had to go on like normal. how do you just go on like normal? how do you just up and live without your best friend, your fucking mother? she was supposed to be there through everything. she was supposed to live a long happy life with my dad. she was supposed to watch me get married and watch my have her grandchildren. she was supposed to be free of cancer and get better and live happy and healthy. she wasnt supposed to die. she should still fucking be here today. but shes not. months later, not even a year. my boyfriend and i broke up. just shy of a year since her passing, march 2nd. my friend and i had a run in with my ex. she flipped him off while we were driving. he followed us to the gas station and cussed us out. later that night he posted a story on his snapchat. black screen with the words “ your mother would be ashamed of you” written on it. directed towards me. how dare he say that shit. how could the same man that held me while i held my dying mothers hand say some dumb fucking shit like that to me? i dont quite get how he could ever in a million years say that shit. she was liuke amother to him. he was there through everything we dealt with, all the grieving, the sadness and depression in my house. but what bothers me is how a few months later we were getting back together. and how i could forgive him for saying that. i never did forgive him and i dont think i ever will. he said he posted it to hurt me because he was hurt. but how could he stoop that low. later on he brought her up again when he wanted me to stop smoking. “ how would mom feel” i tried kicking him out, ive never yelled at him before until that night, i got in his face and screamed not to talk about my dead mom. he didnt again. we stopped talking about a month later and havent talked since. he never understood what i was going through. what i am going through. i cry a lot. i miss my mom everyday. i think about her every hour of the day. my dad texts her almost every day. he posts on her facebook sometimes. i text her sometimes. i call too to see if someone new has her number. its still disconnected. i dont want someone new to have her number. thats her fucking number. no one elses. i still dont feel like this is all real and here its been a year and a half. christmas is coming up. her birthday is christmas eve. it was her favorite time of the year. we held the party at our house very year for anyone who wanted to come. it was always a full house. everyone loved my mom, she was an amazing person. a family friends words describing my mother to someone were “she had to adjust her halo when walking into a room” and thats always been true. even now, im sure she visits often. i wish so bad that she could be here, that she could see how everything is going. i miss her so fucking much and i just want my fucking mom back. i know everything in life would be okay if she was here. i know it would solve every problem me and my family have if she was just fucking here. she should be here. she should fucking be here right now.