#but i had to go back to uni city bc of this so it would suck even harder if i failed

[winryrockbellwannabe]

DRIVING THEORY FINALLY DONEEEEEEE😎😎😎

[adore-gregor]

🙄🫠

[melancholy-of-nadia]

Thursday Night (m) | jjk

title: Thursday Night (Boba & Ride) pairing: jungkook x f. reader rating/genre: m ; smut ; SEVEN alt. AU, college / university au, friends to lovers summary: Just another day of Jeon Jungkook waking you up in the middle of the night to get boba tea with him across town at your favorite late-night spot, Pekoe. Turns out, this is not just another nightly outing to get boba, but also a chance for the two of you to finally get out of this sexually-charged friend-zone and fuck in his Mercedes Benz G-Wagon. warnings:  car sex, vaginal fingering, edging, multiple orgasms, breast play, nipple licking, unprotected sex (well, reader is on the pill), RIDING, slight choking, creampie, body worship, Jungkook is wearing SWEATS, implied that jk vapes, awkward positions in the car bc they are HORNY and don’t care note: okay, so i originally wrote the first part of the wholesome boba date a year ago after Left & Right came out (and made it kinda based on my late night boba runs with friends in college pre-pandemic). But I never finished it, until Seven came out a few days ago and SUDDENLY I WENT BACK TO THIS AND DID A 180 AND SLAMMED SOME SMUT ON IT. VERY SPICY. Thank you for the whore thoughts, Jungkook. Thank you @daegudrama for editing and fixing the messy smut. Stream Seven!! and FEEDBACK & Comments are much appreciated !!

total word count: 4.5k drop date: july 17th, 2023, 10:30am PST CROSS POSTED ON AO3 (honeyjamjoon is my user on there) - -

Dozing off slowly as your mind wanders through the stages of sleep to reach REM, you’re suddenly interrupted by a distant ringing sound in the distance.

It sounds like… your phone? You recognize the familiar “Shooky Shooky” theme song of your favorite cartoon cookie and his 7 pals you set as a ringtone weeks ago.

Waking up with eyes still heavy from sleep, you reach your hand out to grab your phone from your bedside dresser. You squint at the bright screen seeing who the random caller is that is getting in the way of your slumber before you wake up later for another dreaded day of uni classes..

Jeon Jungkook. 

Of course it was him, you think. He’s the friend you made at the beginning of the semester in your Japanese class, where he found out that both of you took the class to be able to watch anime without subtitles. Just a pair of total weebs.

Then you kept running into him at university club events, specifically the Korean Student Association Curry & Karaoke night where both of you fangirled (fanboyed?) over IU and spent an entire night singing her discography while taking soju shots together. At this point, you knew he was just destined to be your bestie for life.

However, Jungkook has a terrible sleep schedule where he sometimes stays up until crackhead hours to do random things like late night drives (yes, he is paying the ridiculous parking permit fee to have his car on campus). He had previously invited you to get some In-N-Out with him and his upperclassmen friend Namjoon which resulted in a late night drive where you ended up on top of a mountain about 40 minutes away from campus at 1am.

While the view of the city down below was nice, you couldn’t stop freaking out about how to get back to your uni with the terrible data reception showing no map directions. Namjoon did his best to help you remain calm from a pending panic attack while Jungkook giggled, but reassured you that everything would be fine and he would figure it out. And he did. Never had you been so glad to be back on campus with some leftover animal style fries in hand.

Not many drives with Jungkook were that adventurous, but they were all late at night. Which you didn’t like due to the fact that you liked to sleep early and wake up early for your morning classes. Very contrasting dynamics being best friends with a night owl.

You answer the phone in a raspy, sleepy voice, “Hey Jungkook, what’s up.”

 “Hey— were you asleep? Sorry, I was going to ask if you wanted to hang out and get some boba, but—”

“NO!” You answer immediately. “I was taking a power nap, I AM UP! I WILL GO GET BOBA WITH YOU!”

Your voice is suddenly loud with excitement through Jungkook’s phone speaker. You’re glad you live in a single room in your 4 bedroom dorm apartment where loud sounds aren’t as easily heard by your roommates.

 “REALLY? OKAY! Let’s meet in front of my dorm building. I’ll see you in a bit.”

Boba will really get you to do anything, especially when it might be the spot Jungkook loves to take you to that is across town. It closes at 1:30am and also has a club-like aesthetic where a lot of people go to hang out at night. There are gaming consoles and a pool table, but the drinks are sadly non-alcoholic. Still good though.

 Wearing a black hoodie and your old black volleyball shorts, you head out to the front of the building next door where you find Jungkook sitting on a bench under a streetlight’s glow. He is wearing a black t-shirt and jacket, contrasting his white pants. 

 He looks good, you think as you walk up to him. He’s texting someone before he looks up at you.

 “So are we getting boba or should I head back to sleep?” You giggle pointing to the parking lot to signal him to get up from the bench.

 “Oh, we’re getting boba for sure and you won’t be sleeping anytime soon.” He speaks starting to head towards his black Mercedes-Benz G-Wagon in the parking lot while you follow behind him. Suspicious phrasing, but you brush it off. You have a dirty mind after all.

 “So, we’re going where exactly?” "Pekoe! My favorite boba spot in town," Jungkook replies with a mischievous grin. "I've been craving their Taro Taro. It's like drinking a purple cloud!" He exclaims excitedly. 

 You laugh at his description, knowing he has a knack for making even the simplest things sound exciting. As you hop into the passenger seat of his car, you fasten your seatbelt.  "And what about you? What's your drink choice tonight?"

 He glances at you, his eyes sparkling with amusement. 

 "Well tonight, I'm getting my fav from there! Pretty in Pink! Jasmine milk tea with strawberry sounds like the perfect combination of sweet and floral."

He nods in approval. It was just another testament to how well you knew each other's preferences. The car roars to life as Jungkook starts the engine, the soft purr resonating through the vehicle. I love being the passenger princess when Jungkook is driving.

As the two of you drive through the city streets, the night envelopes you in a sense of tranquility. The familiar sights pass by, but tonight they seem different. There is an undercurrent of excitement, a subtle shift in the air that mirrors the budding emotions in your heart.

Jungkook, always one to fill the silence, begins cracking jokes and making silly comments, aiming to make you laugh. And laugh you do, your genuine giggles filling the car with warmth and joy. You can’t help but be drawn to his infectious laughter and the way he effortlessly brings a smile to your face.

As you approach Pekoe, the neon sign glows in the night, welcoming you to its cozy embrace. The two of you step out of the car, the scent of freshly brewed tea swirling around you. Inside, the ambiance is lively, with people chatting, sipping their drinks, and enjoying each other's company.

You join the line, eagerly waiting for your turn to order. As you reach the counter, the friendly barista takes your requests, preparing the Taro Taro and Pretty in Pink with skillful hands. The drinks are handed to you in their signature, vibrantly lit cups, and you can't help but admire the aesthetic.

With your boba in hand, you find a cozy corner in the café, settling into plush seats. The first sip of your Pretty in Pink sends a burst of flavors dancing on your tongue, the sweet strawberry complementing the fragrant jasmine tea perfectly. Jungkook's eyes widen in delight as he takes his first sip of the Taro Taro, a satisfied smile gracing his lips.

As you sit there, enjoying your drinks and engaging in light-hearted banter, you can't ignore the subtle change in your feelings as of late. The laughter, the shared moments, and the genuine connection you have formed with Jungkook begin tugging at your heartstrings. The thought of him being more than just a best friend dances at the edges of your mind, like a gentle melody waiting to be fully embraced.

But for now, you cherish the present moment, savoring the boba and the company of the person who has become such an important part of your life. The night is young, and as you exchange playful glances with Jungkook, you can't help but wonder what other adventures await the two of you in the days and nights to come.

Leaving Pekoe behind, your boba-induced bliss carries you as Jungkook suggests going to one of your favorite lookout points—a hidden spot where you can see the entire city spread out below. The mere thought of it ignites a sense of anticipation within you, and you nod eagerly in agreement.

Driving through the winding roads, the city lights twinkling like a sea of stars, the atmosphere inside the car begins to shift. A subtle, sensually charged energy envelopes the space, like an unspoken understanding between two souls on the precipice of something new.

As you arrive at the lookout point, Jungkook parks the car, and you both stay inside, cocooning yourselves in the comfortable silence that only close friends can share. The dimly lit interior creates an intimate ambiance, casting soft shadows across Jungkook's face, and highlighting his features in a way that makes your heart skip a beat.

 Leaning back against the seat, you gaze out at the breathtaking view before you. The cityscape stretched out like a living breathing entity, its pulsating energy matching the intensity of the emotions brewing inside you.

 The silence between you feels charged with unspoken desires, the air thick with anticipation. You steal glances at Jungkook, his eyes fixed on the mesmerizing city lights. The soft glow plays on his features, highlighting the curve of his lips and the gentle slope of his jawline. In moments like these, you can't help but admire the kindness that resides within him.

 Lost in your thoughts, you feel a gentle brush of Jungkook's hand against yours, sending a jolt of electricity through your veins. The touch was innocent, yet it carries an unspoken invitation, daring you to explore the uncharted territories of your friendship.

You turn to him, your eyes meeting in a silent conversation that spoke volumes. The unspoken question hangs heavy in the air, begging to be acknowledged. With a hesitant yet determined smile, you reach out, intertwining your fingers with his, intertwining your destinies in that single act.

The connection between you deepens as time seems to stand still. His touch sends a rush of warmth coursing through your body, awakening a dormant desire that had been slowly bubbling beneath the surface. The intensity of the moment was undeniable, drawing you closer, your hearts beating in sync.

Neither of you speaks a word, for words seem inadequate to capture the raw emotions coursing through your veins. Instead, you find solace in the silence, in the electric current that flows between you, igniting a flame that burns brighter with every passing second.

As time passes, your relationship with Jungkook was left to simmer and reduce to being only friends. Holding his flirty gazes or even his hands has become part of the fun. A challenge of sorts.

Despite that, there will still come a point where you will finally lose your footing and can no longer stand your ground. You just can’t just be friends with Jungkook, and neither can he.

“I really want to kiss you right now,” He says, refastening his gaze on you.

“You should,” you say, without blinking. This is the moment you’ve been waiting for. Crossing the line you’ve been afraid to cross with him.

The lump in your throat twitches, but he reaches over from the driver seat and caresses your jaw with his hand anyways. Determining again to hold his stare, you stroke his cheek with your thumb. But his eyes close on their own as his lips move unhurriedly towards yours, they’re as soft as his approach.

At this moment, it may have seemed like you were hesitating, uncertain in this newfound situation, but in fact, it was quite the opposite. Since you two can’t stay here forever – returning to campus is rather inevitable – the lightness in his tread is completely deliberate. You both want, no, need to savor every millisecond.

You feel the heave of his exhale when he kisses you with a little more intensity. Cupping his face in both of your hands, you feel your pulse drop aggressively into your pelvis and fall further in towards him. Your hands snake back behind his head and grasp his hair to pull his face closer to yours. Your lips only part briefly to make room for your tongues to slip back and forth.

Jungkook grasps a handful of your hair and cranes your neck back while simultaneously pulling your body in closer. Jungkook's lips trailed a path of featherlight kisses along your neck, his touch sending shivers cascading down your spine, igniting a symphony of tingling sensations that left them craving for more. He pulls away quickly, greedily drinking in the stale cold air like he has forgotten to breathe that whole time. His eyes follow the trail of his fingers as he thumbs the bare skin of your outer thigh.

“I always like seeing you dress casually, in your cute shorts and oversized hoodies.”

You follow his gaze and smile. “It’s what I feel most comfortable with. But I don’t let many people see me like this because I look so bummy.”

Jungkook looks up once again to meet your eyes and mirrors your smile back to you. “But you still look so beautiful.”

In unison, both your lips draw back together. Without breaking your chain of kisses, you climb over to the driver’s seat to straddle him. Your restricted position prevents you from feeling his likely erection hiding underneath his sweatpants to press against you. But you are actually too preoccupied with devouring him through the kisses to worry about that yet.

His hands move down the length of your torso past your waist, over your shorts, onto your thighs. He slips one hand under your oversized hoodie, cupping your ass and giving it a gentle squeeze. Your hips swivel and thrust towards him, causing the top of your head to rub against the ceiling of his G-Wagon.

“At this rate, I am definitely going to look like a hot mess when we go back,” You say, feeling around for stray hairs that may have been charged with static electricity.

“Here.” Jungkook invites you to lie across the passenger’s side of the vehicle. “This might be better for you then.”

You recline slowly lifting your hips to rest your butt on the center console before lying your head on the passenger door’s armrest. Your knees fall apart to reveal your short skin-tight shorts to him. He leans over you moving between your legs and running the back of his hand up your inner thigh. Still lost in the darkness of your eyes, he rests his head on your knee and squeezes the fleshiness of your thigh. As Jungkook's fingers gently squeezed, another heat surges through your body, accompanied by a swarm of delicate butterflies fluttering in your stomach. The innocent yet electrifying touch sparked a wave of anticipation and desire, leaving you yearning for more. You also realize that even the simplest gestures from Jungkook have the power to awaken a new deep and undeniable lust within you. 

 You sit up to meet his face and kiss him again. You can taste the taro black tea boba and a slight smoky strawberry-watermelon nicotine on his tongue. Lips locked, you pull him down with you and wrap your arms around his neck. The position is awkward but stubbornly tolerated, all the same, both of you unwilling to pull apart. Both of you are like a couple of desperate teenagers fighting through the objective discomfort to exhaust every last second before curfew.

 Finally, Jungkook leans back in his seat again. You stay where you were, hoodie hiked up past your belly button and legs spread out. He uses his hands to gently pull down your shorts, like pulling away the curtain to reveal the main stage.

 Then he stops, planting that poignant gaze of his on you. A street lamp painting a streak across your torso to expose his mental photograph.

 “You really are absolutely gorgeous tonight, Bunny,” he says, which has you awestruck at this moment. 

 Bunny is the nickname he gave you a while back because you are a massive Sailor Moon fan. You both make fun of the cringey 90s dub of the show where Usagi is nicknamed Bunny. He likes to call you that when you have space buns.

 “Thank you,” You say with genuine gratitude, your knees swaying with an imaginary breeze caused by giddiness. You love how he speaks endearingly to you.

 With the back of his fingers, Jungkook gently caresses your inner thigh from knee to groin. The tingling trail he leaves in his wake triggers a shiver from the backs of your knees. He flips his hand over to fuse the warmth from his palm with the heat radiating from your vulva. Your clit is begging for attention and your your pussy clenches around the air desperate for something to fill it. Jungkook grins. You like to imagine that it’s because he too realizes all that potential he holds in the palm of his hand.

 He runs one finger along the hem of your underwear. When his hand turns around to go back the way he came, he gently slides his fingertip to the underside of the hemline rubbing the back of his finger against the skin. You lean your head back and shut your eyes, letting out a long sigh of relief.

 "I have waited so long for you to touch me like this," You whisper.

 Though yours are closed, you imagine that he never takes his intense eyes off you. He moves your panties to one side. He spreads his fingers down again over your vulva. You hear his lips smack gently as he licks his thumb. He brings his hand back down to you, gently pressing the pad of his thumb against your swollen clit. Remaining there for a moment, he faintly increases the pressure and finally begins to rub gentle circles around it.

 You feel yourself squirm in the seat, simultaneously moving closer to him and trying to pull away. Jungkook’s arm stretches out to the back to grab his Squishmallow pillow in the back seat to use as a cushion underneath you for comfort. He claims he has these pillows here since he takes naps in between classes in his car.

 Your lower back arches and your hips pressed into the cushion beneath you. But as quickly as you had been overcome with nervous tension, your body relaxed into this space, back into the seat.

 The circles turn to an up-and-down motion as you grow squirmy under the delicate burden of his touch. With two fingers on his other hand, Jungkook teases at your opening. When he finally enters, you inhale sharply in approval. His fingers are just barely inside, but it is all you need. He massages you gently from within. He slots his thumb partially inside to coat his thumb in your wetness and leads it to make persistent strokes over your clit. 

You feel yourself contract and squeeze around his fingers. He moves them in a little further, intensifying his come-hither curl deeper inside.

 A chill rises behind your ears and at the nape of your neck, heating up as it trickles down your spine toward your tailbone. One knee presses into the back of the seat as the other reaches for the dash. Tension swells in the fronts of your thighs as your heels try to dig into the seat cushion beneath him. Your hips rise, begging Jungkook to continue.

 Your breaths are craving, yet distended, and all your focus shifts inward, concentrating on the movement of his fingers, inside and out. Forgetting everything else. Really feeling it at the point of contact. Your eyes are still closed when you drink in a long inhalation, and release it with equal intention, feeling the intensity of your pleasure growing with every subsequent breath.

 “We…” Exhilaration forces the words back down your throat. Try again. “We should drive back…”

Strong thumb still resting on your clit, his other hand rises to hush you with your own wetness. “Not yet, love.” Love?! You couldn’t question the new nickname bubbling out from his lips because your mind was consumed in total stimulation. You’d talk about this sometime after, you thought.

 His burgeoning arousal was becoming more apparent in that confined space. You can hear his breath grow huskier as he resumes his rhythmic stimulation of your clit. You can smell the rising excitement dripping all over the cadence of his fingers.

 Your mouth falls open to usher forth a silent scream. Your pussy clenches around his fingers and your pulse throbs into the pad of his thumb. Your head presses back into the armrest and you worry momentarily that you might push right through the door, but your worries are wiped clean before you can finish that thought. Vision turning all white and shaky.

 Jungkook slowly slides his fingers out as your body goes limp. He leans back to watch you bask in the fallout of your body quake. Your head falls limply to one side while your body struggles to recalibrate – slowed breathing, relaxed pulse, fallen temperature, faded bliss.

 “Just truly stunning…” he repeats.

 You are caught somewhere between pleasure-induced paralysis and a voracious desire to continue and make hungry love to this man. You reach up, grab him by the collar of his shirt and pull him down towards you, forcing him to meet you at eye level.

 “Thank you,” You whisper softly into his ear. You kiss his neck, feeling the echoes of his hammering heart press into your lips.

 He breaks the kiss and rests his head on your shoulder. He shyly hides his face, hesitant to bring up his next request, “I want you to ride me. Think you could last through another orgasm?”

 You giggle at how needy he is being. “Honestly, yes.” 

 Jungkook tries to refrain himself from squealing and gets up from his position. He sits to adjust his seat back and partially slides off his sweats and boxer briefs.

 His dick is a blush shade, long and hard. “Wow…” You mindlessly speak your amusement leading him to giggle in response.

  You get up from laying on the passenger seat and climb over the center console to sit on his lap. Your lips meet in a passionate kiss yet again, while you pull his shirt off. You slide your hands slowly down his chest and abs, your small cold fingers send a shiver through his body. You lightly touch his tattooed arm, tracing each intricate design. 

 Jungkook lifts your hoodie in response to your actions and giggles upon seeing the sight underneath it. “Hehe, you’re not wearing anything under. So scandalous, Bunny,” Before you can refute his teasing, Jungkook buries his face in your breasts. 

 His soft lips slowly kiss up your cleavage to your neck. Jungkook gently sucks the sensitive spot on your neck, causing you to moan. You thread your fingers through his long black hair and tug. Jungkook winces submissively at your actions.

 “I thought you said you wanted me to ride you?” You taunt, teasing him by rubbing your wet folds along his hard dick.

Jungkook groans and grabs your hips, lifting you above him. He tugs the thin fabric of your panties to the side again before lining up his cock to your entrance and lowering you slowly onto his cock. You moan, tilting your head back in pleasure and enjoying the sensation of him filling you up.

 “Shit. You’re so tight.” Jungkook stills inside you, letting you adjust to his dick inside you.

 You experimentally lift yourself up, using his shoulders as leverage, then sink back down. Jungkook inhales sharply, biting his bottom lip as he watches you fuck yourself on his cock.  He keeps his left hand on your waist, strong fingers keeping you steady. He pushes the hoodie above your chest and massages your left breast. His tongue circles your right nipple, the sensation causing you to clench around his dick.

 “Fuck, feels so good.” he moans softly. He’s so cute, your fucked out brain thinks.

 You grab Jungkook’s hand from your left breast and slide it up to your neck, giving it a light squeeze to indicate what you want from him. He shakes his head and you halt your movement.

“No, Bunny, not today. Today, I’m going to make you scream so loud that you’re going to come back every day for more.” He feels your pussy involuntarily tighten around his cock, sucking him further into your tight walls. “You’d like it if someone caught us like this, wouldn’t you? Let them see how I ruin you,” Jungkook snickers as he teases you.

“You’re so-” You can’t even finish your sentence as Jungkook thrust deep inside of you. This causes you to lose your balance and rest your head on Jungkook’s shoulder, giving him full control over your body. He bounces you on his thick cock until you can feel your high approaching.

“I’m gonna cum, Jungkook.” You announce after a series of muffled moans, your voice barely coming out as a whisper. He tightens his grip on your ass and slides one hand down to rub your clit for added stimulation to the impending time bomb of pleasure.

 “Let go, love.” As his movements quicken, soon, he feels your pussy clenching tightly around his dick. 

“Jungkook!” You scream as you come. You kiss his neck while coming down from your high. Feeling spent, you collapse on Jungkook’s body, relishing the feeling of his muscular body moving against yours.

 Jungkook knows he can’t hold out much longer when he feels your pussy pulsate around his dick. “You can cum inside me, I’m on the pill.” You whisper in his ear shyly, feeling his erratic movements inside you. 

 He digs his fingers into your hips thrusting deeper and more erratically before he comes inside you. He thrusts a few more times to ride out his orgasm before he leans back in his seat in exhaustion.

 You both lay there in his car while you catch your breaths and pepper tiny kisses on each other’s bodies. Afterward, Jungkook lifts you up and removes his cock from inside you. You shiver from the emptiness and feel his come slowly drip out from inside you. You quickly slide up your panties into place, pull up your shorts and then readjust your hoodie before collapsing onto the passenger seat.

You watch Jungkook quickly pull up his boxer briefs and sweats. You both look at each other in your fucked out states, all messy and laugh. 

“I THINK we should go home now. It’s like almost 3am,” You laugh nervously looking at the time on your phone. 

“We should!” He chuckles. “So Bunny…tomorrow…boba, same time?”

“Just come over to my dorm tomorrow. The roomies are out, so we can watch Chainsaw Man and do this again. My wallet can’t deal with more boba runs, and then bonking and losing sleep when I have a 9am class.”

 “I’ll be the one treating you to boba from now on,” He smirks at you curiously. God, you really found someone amazing in your life.

As the night sky embraces the city with its velvet darkness, Jungkook drives back to campus. The cool breeze whispers through the open windows, sending shivers down their spines as you two reveled in the afterglow.

Your fingers intertwine on the center console, a tangible connection that symbolizes the bond you share. The radio softly plays Keshi, providing a soothing soundtrack to the journey. You two glance at each other, smiles dancing on your lips, eyes filled with a mixture of contentment and desire to keep doing this again. Maybe boba and riding every day from now on.

[groovebunker]

i’m gonna be obnoxious about this and people are just going to have to be cool about that. yes? good.

happy birthday to what would you do (if they ever found us out) (affectionately known as wwyd)!!! a year ago today, i posted chapter one and (i’m not being dramatic here) i think it changed my life?

little backstory: i’m a dyke with eyes and a type, so when i watched fran drescher making impassioned speeches about labour rights, i was both smitten and reminded that i’d been meaning to watch the nanny. i was also (mostly unbeknownst to me) about as mentally ill as i’ve ever been in my life. i was halfway through a phd which i loved but it was making me so, so unwell. anyway, i started watching the nanny as some kind of escapism and one night, i was like…has anyone thought of fran and cc kissing on the mouth? and they had (obviously) and so i started thinking about that and how whine cellar is a deeply disappointing episode in so many ways and then i was like ‘i can fix that! with a one shot!’.

fast fwd to april 2024. i’m in my favourite city in the world. i’m posting the 11th chapter of that one shot far too late at night (sorry sara). it’s ended up about 85k words long. i’m no longer a phd candidate. i’m significantly less mentally ill. and i’ve spent the last 8 or so months being held by a group of people i would never have met if i had never started writing again.

i didn't quit my phd to write fan fiction, obviously. but writing fic helped me realise how unhappy i was because it was something that gave me joy in a time that was so fucking bleak. i don't really like thinking about it too much but it wasn't great. and then i had this lifeline. these two idiots (affectionate) falling in love with one another, not only in wwyd but all the other fics i was writing. and talking about with people who were commenting and finding me on tumblr. and then, eventually, we weren't just talking about fran and cc, we were talking about our lives! because we were friends!

people will tell you before you start a phd that it's a lonely experience. i was the only history student in my cohort. i only met one of my supervisors in person at his leaving drinks. i have two friends i met at my uni, one of whom was the first person i told that i had to quit. i had other friends and an incredible, loving, patient partner, and they were amazing. but still, it was lonely.

and then i just fucking wasn't.

january ‘24, the squad evolved from being my stupid tumblr tag to being the most chaotic group chat i have ever been part of (until nic got us nicely organised). a week or so later, i quit the phd. and i told a bunch of people i’d never met that i was dropping out of grad school and they were so fucking kind. i will never forget that. the squad, in all its iterations, will have my heart for my whole life. i will not rest until i have annoyed you all in person. my dream is winning the lottery and flying you all to a villa in spain for a week so i can cook you dinner (and cass can make bread) every night and drink wine and splash about in the sun (or in sara’s case, hide in the shade and probably yell at us to put sun screen on). when i say i love you, i mean it so wholly and truly.

anyway, back to wwyd. it’s not my first fic. i’ve been writing on and off for 15 long, long years. but i hadn't written a ton for a while (other than my aloto fic bc gretson my beloved) and i really kind of expected to get a couple of comments and a few kudos. i just had a story that wanted to get out so i published the first few chapters in really rather quick succession (i’m sorry to anyone who reads my stuff, my adhd is too bad for a posting schedule) and people���loved it? like, really loved it. which was so nice because i’m gonna be honest, there was not an adoring audience for my academic work (perils of being a genocide scholar). and i know it's become quite a few people’s comfort fic. i know people have reread it, more than once in some cases, which feels wild. people have left the most wonderful comments, said the kindest things, drawn gorgeous art, made a fanmix (which is fucking amazing), followed along on this journey which i did not expect them to do.

i don't have favourite children (b&w fans, i promise you, the next chapter is in the works) but if i did, wwyd might be one. sure, she's my difficult eldest child. but she got me into a fandom for the first time in years, she’s given me friends i know I will hold onto for the rest of my life, she reminded me how much fun writing can be. and she’s spawned so much more because she made me so much more confident as a writer.

so i don't think i’m being overdramatic when i say it changed my life. if you’d told me all of this when i hit publish on chapter one last year, i would have told you to fuck off. relatively vehemently. but i’m better now. and i’m so fucking grateful for this fic for being part of what gave me that.

anyway, thanks for letting me be a bit self indulgent - promise you don't have to sit through this ever again (maybe for won't you when i finally get it done. i’m sorry. i’m verbose). and once again, to everyone who has read wwyd, given it kudos, commented, reblogged a chapter on tumblr, all of it, my eternal thanks. i couldn't have done it without you.

finally, because i cannot say it enough, to the squad, you have my whole heart. it’s actually mad to me that this time last year, i had no idea who any of you were. your stamp on the last few chapters of wwyd is indelible. your stamp on my life is somehow more permanent than that. thank you. ilsym 🫶🏻

[mrghostrat]

i appreciate all the kindness for my uni rejection, and anyone going through the same thing should def read through my replies if they need similar comfort. there’s a lot of “ATAR isn’t everything!” comments tho, which made me realise i haven’t actually talked much about my goals, so i wanted to share a little context.

i’m 30 (on the 17th). i took a gap year after high school and i went to uni at 19. i even dropped out a semester before graduating to pursue the one thing that was making me happy (my first original comic) during a really bad depression (undiagnosed adhd burnout). i got the last units and graduated a year later, a bachelor of game design.

haven’t used my degree once. i went into comics and freelance rather than games. but i also loved that degree and would do it all again, it was absolutely worth it.

i’ve been freelance and self sufficient for 6-7 years, and it’s fun and i’m proud of the things i’ve made, but i’m so tired. i’m specifically tired of having to work 7 different angles to make up one sufficient salary, and even if it ends up being temporary, i’d give anything for a 9-5. have someone else in charge for once.

got to the end of my rope last year and sat down to figure out what i like and what i’m good at. a Life Plan, yknow. i’ve always had an interest in teaching, helping, connecting like that. figured out degrees and became really invested in this new trajectory i pictured my life going on. i was also tired of waiting, because every time i wanted to move back to the city from this tiny town we’re in, somethings come up or delayed it. so zita helped me figure out how we could get the ball rolling and break our lease 3 months early, so we could move back to melbourne and i could start my degree this year. we looked for (and found) an apartment specifically on the side of the city that would be closest to my campus.

i hope that gives a lil context as to why i’m so devastated right now. the last 5 months have been me revving up to start this new chapter at the end of feb and one little email said nah.

the degree i wanted to do was a double degree, secondary education (hons) and a BA of fine arts. i was equally excited for both, because i never got to do a lot of actual art learning in my last degree, and the BA would give me all of that— life drawing, sculpting, painting, wood/metal/jewellery working, digital, fuckin everything. but it was the less important of the pair, when it comes to getting myself a job as an art teacher, because i already have the art experience. it was just a fun bonus, and the education degree was the one i NEEDED.

in nov i had to travel to melbourne to present a portfolio and interview for the BA. they showed me around the studio too, and i fell a little bit in love. i got the acceptance email in december, but i still didn’t have an offer for the education degree. another reason why i’m so discombobulated— i technically have an invitation, but it’s for the less important degree that would just be a money sink. do i go to uni anyway?? or just ignore this invitation and move on?

my state recently made education/teaching degrees free as a way of encouraging more teacher jobs. i learnt about this after i decided i wanted to pursue teaching, so it was just a fun lil bonus that i wouldn’t be adding to my student debt. apparently not, bc i didn’t think about how every teenager and their dog would apply for teaching degrees so they could get straight into uni without any debt. so, even tho i’m a graduate and i’m not relying on school scores, i was one in a million, likely just numbers on a page, and didn’t get in.

there could be other paths. i could start the BA and add the Edu degree later? i could reapply for mid year intake. i could… idk, most of what i could do requires emailing Monash and asking wtf, because i have no idea what’s actually possible and will need someone to lay it out for me.

still feels like i’ve run into a brick wall though. little bit shut down. more sad, not quite angry, but suddenly really spiteful for some reason— like “oh, you don’t want me? okay fuck you then, i won’t ever teach.” so stupid. just a bit fragile rn

[luminousbeings-crudematter]

I can have my favourite bed time story which is " one of the 141 is picking me up at the hotel bar/ already in the airport and oh look at that we are in the same hotel" bonus points to my brain when it goes into unhinged territory, bc it's not at all a coincidence that you both stop at the same hotel. You are just to nice of a distraction to let go for now

see i love this, because Ghost and Soap fit into this deranged narrative by default, but you know who would really masterfully orchestrate a meet-cute after meticulous planning?

He makes you nervous, and you don't know why.

He's cute. His hat and headphone combo make him look young and approachable and hip, and it doesn't hurt that he smiles so wide that deep, gorgeous smile lines appears around the corners of his eyes. You should be counting your lucky stars - you've got the company of this heart throb on your 7-hour flight...but your instincts tell you that something's not right. You ignore them.

He talks to you a lot - asks you so many questions about yourself that you're starting to think of this as a date - but he's equally as generous on information about himself: Gaz. Army. Special Forces. The real special forces, he smiles mischievously. Going back home for a few weeks.

You end up telling him about yourself too. Went to Uni in the UK, so you're back now that you can afford to properly do the touristy stuff. He recommends a few cities and you thank him profusely - ever grateful to have recommendations from a local. When he jokes about happily being your tour guide, you laugh and brush him off.

He's kind enough to wake you up when the flight attendants arrive with lunch, you think you're going to die when you realise you'd fallen asleep on his shoulder. He waves your apology off immediately. You have lunch together and it does feel like a date. He's respectful and kind and funny, he listens intently, asks meaningful questions, and he's pretty.

You part ways at immigration. He wishes you the best of luck with your troubles, and you tell him to keep out of it. No promises, he responds easily. (You're disappointed when he doesn't ask for your number, but it's fine, you tell yourself. No point anyway. He's home to relax and you're going to be touring the country.)

So imagine your surprise when he's at the hotel breakfast buffet the next morning. You walk up to him tentatively, hands clammy. Did he...follow you? No. No, that can't be right, you never told him where you were going. But then? Coincidence? Has to be, he doesn't seem the creepy type.

He seems genuinely surprised to see you, and your doubt dissipates a little.

You end up having breakfast together, and he tells you how he'd completely forgotten that his mum was away. He's a bit shy, clearly uncomfortable as he admits that he'd found being in the house by himself a bit quiet, too lonely, and had checked himself into the closest hotel he could.

You're skeptical, but you believe it just enough for him to successfully convince you that - now he's got nothing to do but wait for his mum to return - he really wouldn't mind showing you around, actually! It's his city after all, and you do want that authentic city experience that only a local could give you, don't you? Ah, the tourist-y spots are all overdone and gauche, love, he'll show you the real city.

Three nights of playing tour guide and bodyguard and boyfriend, and he's sinking into you in your hotel room, one he's effectively moved into.

Been waiting for my cock in your greedy little cunt, yeah? Know you've been touchin' yourself to me every night. So fuckin' tight, love, you've been keeping her tight for me? Been months since you've let anyone in her, have you been waiting for me?

[otrtbs]

hi! could you explain a little bit what you studied and if you did any apprenticeship before you got a job ? a little summary to how you got there ? i’m so curious (and i admire you a lot)

hiya!! sure!!

so back in high school i actually started volunteering at my local art museum when i was 16 (up until i graduated at 18). they had a program specifically designed for teens to volunteer at the museum (i gave guided tours, and helped plan events at the museum, and worked with kids 3-12 in a drop-in studio every saturday where they could make art of their own after looking in the gallery) <- not a lot of museums do this, but you can call and ask if they need volunteer docents for the weekends !! they’ll train you!!

then i majored in art history in undergrad (making sure to focus my courses in modern and contemporary art towards the end of my studies bc that’s what i wanted to do! also i took a LOT of french classes. as in i only needed a few credits to have a minor but the last class was so hard i dropped it) to give yourself a leg up, i recommend studying a language (italian, french, spanish, german) most jobs in ARH require at least a minimal reading knowledge of another language.

while i was in school, i got a job at my university’s art museum as a gallery assistant! (<- fancy way of saying i walked around the galleries and told people not to touch the paintings and answered their questions if they asked and made sure no one was trying to steal the art)

during the summer, i got a summer internship at an art gallery in the biggest city close to my house (bc i moved back home w my parents in the summertime. uni housing was crazy expensive) and that was the *most* instrumental. i learned how to write wall texts, how to install artworks, i made studio visits to artists, updated the gallery website, handled artist contracts, you name it! it was great experience!!

i also got involved in art history/fine arts clubs at my university! i was on the fine arts council at my uni which represented the art and art history department to the student senate and the university at large. and the art historical society.

then i got my master’s degree in history of art theory and display, joined the art historical society at that university, got a degree and entered my FLOP ERA OF THE CENTURY

and by that i mean, i was 6 months unemployed and moved back home w my parents flop era. no one would hire me ,, no one would even give me a call back to tell me they didn’t wanna hire me ,,, and then one day someone did !! rahhh!!!! and i got some of my research approved 4 publishing and now im here!!!! (i say this not to discourage you but to let you know that the job market for art history ppl is tough,, it has always been tough,, but if you love it, it’s never a waste to pursue!)

i would do a few things differently if i had a second go at it, just to get a leg up so here’s some advice that im giving but i DIDNT DO myself:

1) try to minor in something to give you a leg up! a language is good, marketing is good, public relations… something to make you stand out!

2) try to get things published as an undergrad or a grad student! get your research out there if you can (way easier said than done ik ik) have some things you can list under your publications tab on your CV

3) if you find yourself in a 6+ month jobless, flop era period like me, volunteer somewhere at a museum or gallery if you are able. i was bitter as fuck that i had a masters degree and would be working at a museum for free when i needed money so i didn’t do it ,, but when someone finally calls back and you get an interview and they ask what you’ve been up to recently ,,, telling them you spend your time volunteering in museum spaces and working in your desired environment looks so much better than saying “i’ve been job searching” i promise !! (<- also just recognizing the extreme privilege i had to just stay at home and look for jobs in my desired field instead of immediately having to get a job somewhere. but im not gonna lie to you. i put out applications at olive garden and einstein’s bagels and they both rejected me. so. i was scrambling bc my student loans were due and i had zero dollars 2 my name 🧍‍♀️)

okay i rambled on for entirely tooooooo long. but i hope this was helpful somewhat !!! 💗💗

[shattersstar]

hello!!! just wanted to send in a message that i have a meltdown every time I read one of your Jason pieces; so freaking good! its really special to find writers who can really get a feel for Jason without making him sound like a goofy caricature of a y/a trope or like. an incel LMAO. would love to see more of your thoughts or headcanons on Jason's opinion on college! I think he's expressed some sort of desire to attend university, but yk. the whole vigilante thing kinda screws with it. thanks again :)

college/university hcs + jason todd

a/n: aw tysm that’s so nice to hear <33 ive always wanted to know what ppl think of my take on jason bc yeah the fandoms consensus is not always. my fave. to say the least. dnejjfjdjd but im glad u enjoy it!! this was also a greatly timed ask bc im working on smth that has a section of robin jason talking abt his life n college so im gonna save some of my thoughts for when that comes out but…

—

i do think it’s definitely something jason’s always been interested even if his relationship with post secondary school has been fluid to say the least. sort of like: i might have a chance if i get a scholarship, to not even in school, to having a shot at going to any school, to missing out on that part of his life in favour of vigilantism and revenge

with his past briefly out of the way i definitely see jason being that person who just Attends lectures even if he isn’t enrolled. he’d go to classes with friends or someone he’s seeing if he had the time. but if anything, jason would take a course just because he finds it interesting. he’d sit in the back of the class and he 100% takes notes even if there’s no reason

if he is serious about going back to school i do stand with majority rule that he’d probably be an english/lit major.

i like to imagine jason did attempt to go to university after everything went down with bruce when he first came back though. a little scorned and confused about his place in everything. i could see him trying to play the part of someone normal and ordinary, what did people his age do again? oh yeah, go to school or leave the city.

i think he’d originally take something a bit more serious, respectable even. law, engineering, business, anything to emulate some version of himself bruce had expected jason to become. i think jason also knowing dick refused, finally agreed, then dropped out of uni would fuel him to go to spite his older brother and appease bruce even if it wasn’t conscious. like it’s an added bonus if jason really thought abt it (which he won’t ofc)

back to school: being forced to take those required liberal art courses would remind jason of what he loved in high school. he loved english class on whole and arguing with the history teacher and picked up languages surprisingly well that he did both spanish and french for a time. and while he really thought about switching majors he ultimately dropped out because he was still playing pretend and into the hands of a man his relationship was beyond complicated with.

i think jason would return when he was a few years older, a little less angry and less focused on his connection to bruce/batman. and this is when he’d major in english, im not enough of a lit baddie to pick a focus but im sure y’all can imagine <33

he’d start with night courses bc he’s already used to being awake so whats a 7-10pm lecture before patrol.

it only became an issue when courses jason’s wanted to take wouldn’t work with his nighttime plan. he started really feeling the burden of living a double life in those moments. and definitely gets antsy in class/studying when an important case is taking up his mind.

he was fortunate to take online classes that interested him greatly too but when school started becoming priority jason would have a moment with himself to decide if he wanted to spend a few years pursuing his degree with a bit more focus or go back to his life before.

and i cannot say what decision i think he’d make bc i know jason gains satisfaction from life by being red hood and cannot fully give it up but he’s also one of those people that is always dying to learn more, to know more and exercise his brain. it’s why his electives r insanely difficult mathematic courses or science labs bc everything interests him. the study of art just moves him a little more which is why he majors in it.

some other points:

- he’s not a fan of the education system and even if money is not a problem jason doesn’t rlly care abt going to elite schools and will gladly transfer around to take courses he wants or depending on where he’s currently is in the world. he’s done classes at most of gothams community colleges and at least one ivy league school

- jason’s doesn’t care how long it takes no finish school either, which works well with his vigilantism. he’s always had an unstable relationship with schooling and completing school in its expected time/format never appealed to him. jason will do it how it wants because he can :)

- he’s a handwritten notes kinda guy but understands that typing is more efficient

- will spend time at uni (and public) libraries just for funsies like he’ll b investigating new drug rings next to people studying for their midterms

- like most of us he really hates group assignments bc he’s too much of a control freak and will do all the work, hand it in and email the prof abt doing it alone without even contacting his group members bc he’s a little shit like that

- but will help in tutoring programs, be a note taker for certain courses and if jason’s fully dedicated to school he might just TA <3

[intothegreat-wide-open]

tagged by @mpregjohnwinchester thanks bb!

Do you make your bed? kinda, i guess? i usually just put down a bedspread for the cats to lie on but underneath it is a still a mess lmao

What's your favorite number? 11 :)

What is your job? sitting at a desk selling industrial spare parts to customers all over the world and being my boss's bitch

If you could go back to school, would you? like, if it wasn't for time and money constraints i would def be taking uni courses left and right. so yeah.

Can you parallel park? i can, had to do it on the daily for years.

A job you had that would surprise people? idk my jobs so far aren't really that out there. i used to work at a gas station for years (which was surprisingly more fun than it sounds) but that's about it.

Do you think aliens are real? i mean. what are the chances we are alone in this universe?

Can you drive a manual car? yep, learned to drive in one, drove one for years but i'm driving automatic now and it is a blessing in city stop and go traffic

What's your guilty pleasure? omg reality tv. especially real estate. selling sunset, million dollar homes, i LOVE that shit okay. also home makeover/reno shows.

Tattoos? yup. 9 of them.

Favorite color? all the shades of purple. but especially the pastel ones.

Favorite type of music?  eh. hard to say. i do love 30stm (kinda genre-defying tbh) but i also love contemporary country and 80s shit. generally, nothing that is currently playing on pop radio is a good rule of thumb. like (aside from country and 30stm) i kinda stopped listening to new stuff in the mid 00's tbh.

Do you like puzzles? YESSSSS i LOVE them! the big standard ones but even moreso the smaller ones with the odd-shaped pieces. or wood ones! or 3d brain teaser things that you have to take apart and put together again! (can you tell i own a lot of puzzles=

Any phobias? i'm not so good with the creepy crawlies tbh but it's not really a phobia, i will get close enough to kill them if they are inside.

Favorite childhood sport? i used to do ballet as a kid and gymnastics and in my teens i played team handball but tbh none of that was really my favorite activity. (see above, i am puzzle / brain work person)

Do you talk to yourself? uh yeah.

What movies do you adore? i'm more of a tv show person tbh but i do love some like it hot and in complete contrast also the complete fast&furious series

Coffee or tea? tea. coffee i can only tolerate if i can barely taste it anymore (e.g. i like to put a shot of espresso into hot chocolate)

First thing you wanted to be when you grew up? i honestly don't remember (and yeah, i have been trying to remember lately bc of some other post that asked a similar question but....)

no-pressure tagging @first-only @stunt-lads and @setyourfireonme

[literaphobe]

hmmm is there any specific analysis of tvl youve been dying to share but havent been asked about yet?

ok. there’s a lot. but some I don’t want to do right now for SPOILERY REASONS. some of them are as follows:

- the fundamental misunderstanding that passively occurred between tvl ladynoir for most of tvl

- the way tvl chat noir ‘tests’ ladybug throughout the story and why he does what he does and why he behaves in seemingly ‘bizarre’ ways

- a lot of the others r um. I can’t even share the topic regarding it bc you guys haven’t gotten to whatever chapter it’s linked to yet (feel free to ask any questions tho! be it now or after future chapters. that’s usually what awakens the intense TED talks I give about tvl to myself in my head)

right now tho? I want to pick apart tvl adrien being an actor and why that is and why that’s sad and how it came to be

-> like with many parts of tvl! adrien being an actor is sort of thrust upon readers. it’s a story that places a Huge gap between canon and the tvl timeline, and some details can be inferred, but loads of stuff aren’t things a reader can know for sure

-> also, due to the set up of the story, most of the tiny teased bits of info regarding tvl Adrien’s life leading up to and At 23, is largely fed to readers by tvl marinette, and not tvl adrichat himself, despite most of the story being his pov. but the scenes he is allotted are largely those where he Interacts with ladybug, and when he is with her, he doesn’t think of much else, unless it’s specifically relevant (like the love marks conundrum)

-> he just doesn’t unpack his past in his thoughts very much. however much it pains him. because it’s not something he’d prefer to unpack is how ladybug is making him feel and how he feels about her bc she’s Right There and she has this Hold on his heart that he can’t help but fixate over

-> but what you can tell is that he doesn’t really want to be doing his job… rather he sees it as a means to an end. and also an inevitability in a sense 😔 very. You Can Take The Man Outta The City Not The City Out The Man core. it’s. the ones who abuse us can leave but the effects of that abuse aren’t as easy to shake. it’s also. sometimes we wind up doing what we ran away from but we pat ourselves on the back saying it’s different bc we chose it, or it’s not the same because we wound up in a hole two steps away from what we were originally doing and that’s a different hole so it’s okay maybe!. its. was this too hard to break away from? or was it just too easy to go back to because its all we were ever taught?

-> because imagine ur tvl adrien in uni and your friends have always had passions for things that are vaguely related to industries that you suffered in as a kid. your best friend wants to be a dj but he also loves directing and talks so passionately about his favorite films and DREAMS of making One Of The Greats one day. his gf who is also one of your best friends is into journalism and your ex gf who is also one of your best friends loves designing and fashion. and you used to be a model but don’t want to be a model anymore. u make some small movies to help your best friend with his projects for film classes. they’re so fun! you love how it brings you and your friends together. your ex who you never really got over helps make costumes, shyly puts makeup on you, your best friend’s gf promotes it on her massively successful blog. the public mostly cares about it because you were in it and you’re the kind of famous that doesn’t ever go away. you WISH it would go away. but then you try to see the bright side of it. your best friend is so happy people like his short film. he gets an A for the class. you accidentally get another friend even MORE heavily considered for the job she’s been talking about non stop all week because you mentioned knowing her. you get pressured into doing a film because they say they’ll give your best friend an important role on the crew. little by little it all builds up and this is just your career now

-> but you find little ways to take control. you realize you get to decide who works with you and for you and you see your Good Best Friend Ex who just started complaining about how little the internship she’s doing pays. you think you could take away her pain so easily. and it makes it all less painful for you. it’s such an even trade. but then your Partner Against Magic Crime starts taking up more of your time and you realize you WANT all the time that you can get, and having Something To Do In The Day becomes an absolute chore again, and maybe you don’t care how happy it could make the public and how Excited your fans will be

-> this manifests in all the little asides you see in tvl where he Suggests quitting his job all the time and Thinks about it a lot

-> At the same time. who doesn’t wanna quit their job. he’s just a little guy. surely he’s worked enough for several lifetimes

[abstract-moth]

Hi there! So, how was life during the hiatus? are you still in the same country? are you still in uni? do you have fresh cat photos? just in general, how have you been? :3 missed you!

Hello!!! I appreciate you checking in on me!

I tend to disappear during summer bc spring exams finish, then I immediately go home to the US, return to Europe only to get slammed by summer exams, and then the new school year stops. This year my September was increasingly busy because in addition to the new school year and new people moving into my building, I decided to change rooms. Nonetheless, I'm back!

During the summer, I did a lot of traveling. I briefly went back home to visit my mom, then my dad. Then I went to Spain for a family reunion. I liked Spain a lot, but unfortunately didn't connect well with my extended family. Oh well. I also visited a few friends who live in other cities. Then it was summer exam time baby. After that, it was clean up time for the building and moving to my new room. I was swamped.

Yes, I am still going to uni in the same country. I'll be finishing up my bachelors this year. Fingers crossed that the course load doesn't get too crazy. Right now I'm just focusing on meeting all the deadlines for the various group assignments we have.

My new room faces the garden. Our garden has brick walls that connects to other properties. So we have two cats that consistently crash our balconies. If I climb down the fire escape, I can even pet them :)

This black and white cat is well fed, has a nice coat, and doesn't fight too much for food. So safe to say he's well looked after and just likes to explore our garden from time to time.

Meanwhile this black cat is always in our garden, extremely affectionate but flinches away if you touch him too quickly, has no teeth, lots of dander, and very skinny. So I'm about 85% sure he's a domesticated housecat but likely neglected/abandoned/abused. Anyway I'm buying him cat food and feeding him a little bit everytime I see him. He waits until my window some days. I also don't know if he's a boy or girl.

For the past year, I have been slowly working on my mental health. It's a continuous process to improve my health and my habits. My new room helps a lot. I'm trying to fill it with plants, because those always improve my mental state. I'm also consistently going to bed before 2am and waking up before 10am (a win for me). For several weeks, I have also consistently not spent more than 30 minutes on Instagram a day.

I'm still trying to figure out how much time I want to spend on tumblr. I first joined it during the pandemic and my gap year, so I would literally hours and hours on the site. Once I was attending school and had other obligations, I became anxious that I could not devote as much time to it as I used to. Which is a bit silly in retrospect, but media consumption is a coping mechanism of mine.

It's very unlikely that I will quit tumblr entirely. After all even during my summer hiatus I was still checking the app from time to time (my huge ass queue did not come from no where). And my original intention of wanting to engage with fandoms and improve my writing still stays the same. It's more about my personal time management. So for now, I'm back and I'll be here for a while 😊

How have you been?

[aeolianblues]

personal 2024 wrapped

Met some dear Tumblr friends, moved house thrice, did a film festival red carpet, was sort of homeless for a week, fell out with a friend and it is still awkward and will continue to be, got my first press pass, won a radio award, graduated (how tf did I nearly forget that), attended my first crazy st. pads house party thanks to housemates, hid a couple of inexplicable times from said housemates bc the music got too loud, went to my first proper music festival though not a camping one, travelled 7h to see one band, travelled to see more bands then I have ever in my life, got employed, had my first proper 'holy fuck, what a creep and loser' experience, met some more really dear friends irl, had so many people, some who were not long ago complete strangers be so so unbelievable kind to be and I think that's what I'll remember most from this year, had my first major medical procedure, had my dentist get really mad at me mid-surgery, (survived), had someone tell me if I worked for the CBC I would 'fix everything' (sigh, don't give a fella hope), sent a lot of scary emails, actually got quite a few unbelievable interviews and talked to some incredible people, I now have one of the few verbal records of Montreal's punk rock riot of 1979 told first-hand by the guy that caused it, met my family again after so long, had my first (and apparently second??) grey hair (unrelated) (related to the housing thing and that was when I truly understood how connected being comfortable was to both physical and mental health), presented at a live gig, rawdogged two foreign languages in their native places, attended my first-ever club night— and danced too! (To post punk music), had last-minute nostalgia and fomo and decided against moving out of my small city into the biggest one, finally started a music website and harbour mad hopes of being a music journalist again, got invited to a music business conference, met this girl who was also getting fucked by this school and city's housing disasters and tried to help, she eventually dropped out because she couldn't find housing and went back home but she's going to a better uni now and she sent me such a kind message about helping her that I cried on a public bench (and I'd do it again!! Help, I mean. This city needs to sort its housing policy out), got hugged quite a bit actually and in general was shown so much live and kindness and that's what I'm taking with me into 2025. People gave me do much of their time, it meant so much to me. The hour-long calls. Picking up my phone at 2 AM. Thinking of me as the first person to call when heartbroken over a breakup at 1 am. Running to me with the good news. Being there for me. Travelling how many hundred, thousand kilometres to be with me. Was severely underslept but that's livin la vida loca. I'll try and be a better sleeper this year, as I'm getting older, the leeway my body can give me for staying up all night and sleeping quite little will reduce if I want to live. Earlier nights for earlier mornings. More sleeping within 20 minutes of being home rather than somehow wasting an hour after a 2 AM-night out and we'll still be fine. Still a little young, right?

The first half of the year was harrowing but I'm glad I went through it to get to the good parts, because I wouldn't have missed those for the world. I was buoyed by the love and kindness shown to me and that's what I cling to and will remember.

[coffeeandcalligraphy]

After death | Lost Gods

He looks at the skyline ahead of him, its famous shapes that tourists gape at like they’re observing a gorilla in an enclosure. It’s all grey to him, not just because of the looming storm but because the grids of buildings and lights have become boring in a way that seems fatal—this city is a dead thing on earth, he doesn’t care what anyone says. It’s all post-mortem—the blinking traffic lights, shafts of sunlight interrupted by high-rises, yellow taxis honking, honking, honking, like they’re shouting a prayer. He feels sort of like that too, caught in kitschy after death.

A little Harrison art <3 !! And an excerpt from the opening of Lost Gods!

4 years ago today I finished writing his very first solo novel, Moth Work, & I’m kind of in awe of how far we’ve come in that short time… 4 novels & 2 novellas narrated by this man who’s a little embarrassing and a whole lot profound (but you didn’t hear that from me!). A few more thoughts under the cut, but here’s a little note I made myself in 2020, the only note I’ve ever made after finishing a book (possibly because finishing this one changed my life a little).

TW for mentions of: mental illness, trauma in the mental health system, internalized homophobia

Technically I finished Moth Work at 2:34AM because I lived on the west coast at the time lol.

I don’t usually celebrate or remember the anniversaries of finishing books. But I wanted to celebrate this one because a) it’s Leap Day & I haven’t been able to commemorate what I was doing during the last one for 4 years, & b) because finishing MW was such a significant accomplishment!

I started MW in January of 2019 because I was struggling emotionally. At the time, I was racing to figure out “what was wrong with me” before flying across the country for uni in the summer (SPOILER I WAS JUST AUTISTIC LMAO), which led to a lot of stressful and traumatizing appointments with doctors. I desperately needed a book to cheer me up but a different one from my WIP at the time, especially because in 2018, I’d both discovered my voice and become really afraid of messing it up!

I also was taking a religion class at the time that was emotionally difficult for me because I felt reallyyyy alone and especially isolated in my queerness that I’d been hiding for a couple years at that point (& that I literally would not talk about at all, not even to people I trusted). When it became very clear I needed an outlet to explore my feelings (of being “unhelpable,” internalized homophobia, a general sense of aloneness/isolation) the decision of what I was going to write became pretty clear.

I’d written 3 stories in Harrison’s POV that predated MW starting in late 2018 (they were also my first explorations in third person present tense, which fun fact, I only tried in his POV because I’ve always written my notes ideas in that POV/tense combo, even when I only wrote first person!). I hadn’t written in a different POV character’s head beside’s Reeve’s since 2016, so it felt natural that the second character I felt closest to (Harrison!!!) could be a narrator. Funnily at this time Lonan was my favourite so I’m actually surprised I did not choose him but can we imagine how different things would be if I had???

I started Moth Work in my notes app (ICONIC) on January 16th 2019 at 11:37pm! The first chapter came pretty quickly, is actually quite non-linear for a bit, and was overall a lot of fun to write. I’d planned for the project to maybe be a short story or at the most a novella (does this sound familiar), nothing very long and definitely not a novel. I believe the goal word count was 5k which is so funny bc that’s exactly how Changing States & Lost Gods started!!!

And then the project stagnated, it wasn’t something I’d planned to write seriously, and I didn’t pick it back up until August of that year when my therapist at the time suggested I try to complete a “reach goal” as I was reaching Crisis and I guess I was so done with everything going on in my life that I was like okay fine!!!! I will write Moth Work as a novel!!!!

This book literally flew with me across the country… I wrote a lot of it late at night in my dorm with all the lights off after a long day on campus. I wrote a lot of it in my intro to sociology lecture LMAO. I wrote a lot of it on my phone. It was the first project (no literally) where I intentionally explored queerness, especially my own feelings as a (sort of?) catholic at the time. I explored atheism a lot! Something I needed to process my own feelings about faith & God. I explored what it’s like to be this completely unhelpable person because you’ve decided there’s no possible way to help yourself anymore (hiiii Lonan). I also explored (a bit like a premonition), what it’s like to care deeply for someone you can’t help (but that you very badly want to help).

And I almost didn’t finish the book! The imposter syndrome and insecurity went crazyyy when writing Moth Work. I didn’t feel like I was writing the First Person Retrospective Flowery Literary Fiction I’d deemed as the only possible “good writing.” (Still LOVE but I really was struggling seeing a very minor style shift, which is funnily much closer to my writing now than when I was writing the “best” way.) I deleted so much from this book. I couldn’t look at it. I was so embarrassed by it!! I made ultimatums with it!! I edited it so much but still couldn’t stand it! It was literally the safest space I had and I could barely be there a lot of the time!!!

SOOOO this is why I’m very proud of me for finishing it lol & while I would typically have celebrated the anniversary idk, in 2021, bc it didn’t exist until this year it felt apt to sit with those feelings now. I’m really proud of 17-year-old Rachel who was undiagnosed autistic & convinced I was a lost cause, who was sooo afraid of being queer I could only think of that through Lonan (& sometimes still do thx king 🫡) who literallyyyyy wrote a masterpiece in my collection that contains some of my best work (even if I only realized that 4 years later) & that’s been the start of EVERYTHING!

This is so much more than a book or an anniversary!! Somehow I made it through all the things I didn’t think were possible and now have written 2 books & 3 (writing the fourth) novellas allllll in this world. AND 2 additional novels in his POV!! Also thank you baby Rachel for Jeremiah. Like hello!!!! This is the only place I felt safe to be myself when I couldn’t be with anyone else! And there’s something priceless about that…

And it’s all bc of Harrison!!! Whoever I saw in that man in 2019… girl thank you!! Can’t explain what it’s like to grow with that character (who is sooo much more than that to me). Never would I have predicted where I am now. And IMO, that’s all thanks to him so ily fictional man in my head, this is soooo his day LOL.

& if you were here since the first MW update & made it this far… I MUST KNOW!!!!

[sugarsnappeases]

lilyrosekiller after midnight……. on my knees asking for lilyrosekiller after midnight…..

kissing you. thrilled to provide. so this fic is sude @/stillagoodwitch 's fault. bc they told me like back in december that i should write lilyrosekiller based on chappell roan's after midnight and i'm nothing if not at their every beck and call so here we are!!

the general premise is lily having just broken up w james, heading out to a bar wherein she encounters barty and evan....

i posted a snippet a while ago which is basically where the fic has left off since i last tried to write it. am currently Stuck and deeply overthinking every decision i've made w it but basically the gist of what happens next is snogging. then a bar fight which results in the three of them getting kicked out of the bar. then breaking into a building to watch the sunrise from the roof. then fucking on said roof...

and it was also meant to be a fairly speedily-written fic lol but here we are six months later bc i kept getting side-tracked by lily evans' beautiful mind. bc when i say she's just broken up w james, i mean that james was down on one knee in front of her, asking her to marry him. and she said no. and i apparently had rather a lot to say about that.... snippet for your consideration:

Two weeks earlier, after breaking up with James, after the disaster proposal, Lily had packed her things.  James had come back to their shared flat with her for some reason, tears still streaming down his face, and for the first time, Lily hadn’t felt the need to comfort him, or try and make him feel better, or take back the decision that felt like the only decision she had ever truly made to suit her own best interests. Instead she had packed her things, just the essentials, she was planning to start afresh and she didn’t want to carry around memories like an endless chain always tying her back to James, she was cutting herself loose.  She had looked at James one last time - because they had been together for four years, they had plans together, they had a future mapped out between them, a house and a wedding and a family that Lily didn’t want anymore, maybe had never wanted. She looked at him one last time because there were happy memories too, laughter and adventures and love - she thought there must have been love, surely there was love - and she said goodbye to him. He was sitting on the bed they had shared for the last five months, since they had moved into the flat together for their second year of uni, tear stains on his face and just looking so lost, confused, bewildered maybe, and Lily had said goodbye and walked out without a backwards glance.  She feels free again now; she wasn’t sure when she had stopped feeling free, maybe when she had started her degree, medicine, setting out a career path for herself, something that felt like it was set in stone, or maybe when she had started dating James, giggling when people told her they’d look good together instead of hitting them, giving in to expectations and his infuriating persistence, or maybe it was when she had started at Hogwarts, eleven years old with her scholarship and her sister’s jealousy and her parent’s ever-higher standards. At some point, a noose had started to tighten around her neck, a chain around her ankle, endless ropes tangling around her, squeezing at her until she was contorting herself into the shapes that she thought would please the most people, twisted and uncomfortable and painfully unreal no matter how much she tried to convince herself they weren’t.

okay reading this back now it's in need of some edits but you get the vibe. she's cutting loose. she's leaving james behind. she's living in a shitty hotel on the other side of the city and spending most of her evenings going to different bars. she's figuring out what she wants and what she likes. she's forcibly knocked herself off the pedestal that everyone in her life has always put her on and now she's the phoenix rising for the ashes in the aftermath.

and she's coming across barty and evan <3 and they're such a tightknit couple, so incredibly comfortable w each other and they've clearly been together for years and see and know each other in a way that she doesn't feel like she's ever really been seen or known. and they're looking at her across the bar throughout the night, locking eyes w her, seeing her. and she's so drawn to them, pulled into their orbit and like. she's obvs 'wearing that dress and red lipstick' and 'she's been a good, good girl for a long time' and it's 'after midnight' etc etc etc

anyway mwah mwah mwah thank you so much for asking i do love them even if they've been getting on my nerves as of late and i'm hoping that when i have time again things will flow....

[aloyssobek]

REEEEEEEE

last week i had 4 different medical appointments (dentist near home, echo in the city, online psych appointment, exercise stress test in the city) and i had uni work to do and i had a job interview for a library tech job (that i'm not sure i'll get bc it looks like it's to replace their current librarian and i don't have that kind of experience even if it's at a school library) and went out yesterday which was fun but my anxiety has been so incredibly overwhelming and i got a text from centrelink today that my austudy claim was rejected so i'm probably going to have to look at doing casual teaching work again which makes me even MORE anxious because i burntout so badly last year and couldn't sleep before my shifts and was having panic attacks at like 4 in the morning even thinking about being in the classroom but i'm overqualified for literally any retail job, i've never done hospo before, and am underqualified for any library work apparently/have no fucking clue how to describe my skills for any other job which frustrates me to no end and i'm just so KFJNWELKJNE also i haven't heard back from the fucking psychiatrist and it's driving me insane because like this shit cannot just be depression and anxiety bro my meds would be fucking working the techniques would fucking work and i wouldn't feel so fucking lost all the time. anyway.

also had a Moment on friday when i was standing there in the examination room strapped to the ecg leads with just my sports bra and leggings and runners on and i was just so aware that this is my fucking life i'm always just going to be examined because of what i was born with. my body doesn't feel like my own. anyway!!!!!!!!!!

[enigma-absolute]

List 5 things that make you happy, then put this in the askbox for the last 10 people who liked or reblogged something from you! Get to know your mutuals and followers :)

…This is gonna make a total of 15 but oh BOY

This was mentioned in a previous ask before but singing a whole cover of ‘Rainbow Connection’ I did with friends joining me on the last third of it. It makes it extra special and I want to post it on here, but I’d rather ask the friend who I’d made this for, with posting permissions first.

Honestly? My silly little neopixel lightsaber I’ve (unwisely, in my mother’s opinion) bought at a recent con. It lights up, it makes noises, I can change the blade colour bc of the light, it’s so far everything I’ve wanted in a cheeky laser sword prop.

On a related note, my silly little sword collection! A LARP foam sword, a wooden katana, and even a steel replica of Sting, also from that same con over a few years!

Fashion! Me from 10 years ago being on this hellsite for the first year would never believe it, but growing and defining my own sense of style and aesthetics over time has not only been fun, but I *feel* happier too. I know what I like and what I don’t, and I’m still learning!

The very fact that I was blessed to go to the uni I did. Sure, the culture is different there compared to of course, my old high school and bible college, but I loved what I studied (more rather than less!) and I’m still in touch with people I’m honoured to call friends. To think some of those cool people live near or in the same city as me!

Not to be simple, but, music! I’ve been getting back into some of my favourite songs and remixes from The Living Tombstone as one point, (Long Time Friends you angy catharsis tune), but also listening to playlists I’ve curated for OCs and Stories and even shared songs with me and my friends over on Spotify has been fun!

Travel!!!! I didn’t know how much I’ve missed travel until my Singapore trip earlier this year - I missed boarding planes, taking off and landing, I missed going out to places like malls and cafes and food and friends outside of my own country. I missed the new sights to see and the good vibes to encounter when you look in the right places. And having my first taste of independent sightseeing at the botanical gardens felt like something new was set in stone.

As of recent, RP has been somewhat active between me and a couple buddies on discord. To the Chrumblr RP gang and Star Wars discord RP server: I love you and I'm grateful you allow me to bring plorbo from my brain into Situations with the characters you play!!!

Painting!!! I haven't touched it in a bit since I've been busy with other things, but I adore, ADORE watercolour and gouache painting. It brings me joy to mix colours and use my palettes to bring characters and situations to life, and I even have a whole sketchbook from 2022-2023 dedicated to just paintings. Sketchy paintings, refined ones - the only goal was to PAINT.

The crochet sunflowers I bought last year! I've got a tiny potted one on my study's windowsill with a broken Miles Morales Spidey keychain, and a longer simpler one in a glass bottle in my bedroom. I really wanna get more crochet flowers, but they were from this one random stall that set itself up like, twice overall at uni last year. That being said, I adore them.

From the same con I got my lightsaber on, I got lucky to buy a print poster of A New Hope from Lucasfilms artist Mark Raats direct. I'm not kidding, and we even had a chat and I did a little 'handy-dandy-notebook' portrait of him in line, even getting to airdrop that to him! Best bit, the poster was $30 on INCREDIBLY archival paper. I just need to get a frame for it...

Just recently, I'd gotten a haircut for the dry ends and long, thick fringe; and can I say??? I love my hairdresser? She's a really sweet Japanese lady who came from just outside Osaka and she's out here in my city doing the best and she once cut my fringe to my standards SO quickly than other hairdressers - I was stunned! I'm deeply grateful to have her work on my hair, and I could not thank her enough.

This is a bit silly somewhat to me, but I love the brown messenger bag I'd bought for myself end of last year as a treat to myself for finishing honours. Did the side strap holders snap twice? Yes. Do I care? no. I love this thing, it feels so *right* for adventure and it brings me so much joy.

Something that makes me smile if I glance at it in my study is my shelf of books. Not sketchbooks, not notebooks that have been filled (though I am proud of that too!), just proper books. From comics to 'Tales from the Loop' and cabin architecture and treehouses, and recently a couple Star Wars visual dictionaries from Pablo Hidalgo... I'm gonna need more space soon. (Shoutout to the copy of Farenheit 451 that legit made me scream and kick my feet because BRADBURY.)

Honestly? Just… friends. Online, real life - if I think about you too hard, I’ll cry. I’m blessed to have met friends online In Real Life (looking at you Swift and uni mates!), and blessed to have mailed and wrote and created silly little things to share my love with ‘em. Good are the ones that stick with you. 💙 Get loved, nerds.