#but i finished in 2:18! only a few minutes slower than last year's half!

[laypis]

rating: mature pairing: bakugou katsuki x gender-neutral reader word count: 8.2k warnings: swearing, violence, medical imagery note: crossposted to ao3 here

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summary:

A comet will only truly shine when passing by the Sun. After a mission for the Hero Public Safety Commission goes terribly wrong, you're taken in by Bakugou Katsuki, your former high school rival, to recover. However, when you’re forced to confront a brewing conflict between two sides of the Hero world head-on and fend off a criminal organization hellbent on slaughter, will you die out or burn bright? A Pro-Hero Bakugou x Pro-Hero Reader fic, featuring a reader with a slug Quirk. Reader is gender neutral/nonbinary but AFAB. All characters depicted are 18+.

Chapter One

It was raining.

It often rained on your missions. You've never been sure of why, but it did. That wasn’t a surprise to you.

Most of those missions didn’t involve you laying on the ground and bleeding out, that part was new. You can’t say this is how you foresaw your end to be. You’d hoped it’d be more peaceful, perhaps a bit warmer. You watched with bleary eyes as your bright, smashed phone screen next to your head blinked frantically with an onslaught of messages from your last known contact. A serene smile befell your face. You’d worried someone. You hoped he’d forgive you, in the end.

Your eyes closed.

You were surprised again to wake up not to the soothing, ethereal light of the afterlife, but to the obnoxious lights of a hospital room instead. You blinked several times, looking about in dull alarm. Was this a mistake? Was Heaven taunting you? Around the room, bundles of flowers and well-wishes spilled from every corner. Bouquets of all shapes and sizes, stuffed animals, and get-well-soon cards with words you couldn’t read from this distance. Your eyes settled on a figure sitting in an armchair towards the corner of your small room. The figure was slumped over like a ragdoll, a soft snore emanating from them.

You ached to call out to them, ask them if this was truly what the end looked like. You’d always thought it would be much more tranquil than the beeps of heart monitors and the gnawing pain in your side from where you’d been slashed.

“Where...?” you managed to rasp out. You heard the figure snort, then grunt before straightening up. After a pause, a low, masculine voice met your ears. It was astonishingly familiar.

“About damn time.”

⁠—

As it turns out, you hadn’t passed away and gone to the afterlife. According to Bakugou Katsuki, you’d almost died, and he’d carried your nearly lifeless and bleeding body to the closest hospital while you were unconscious. He’d explained all this once you’d awoken from what you understood to be several days of drug-induced slumber.

Now, the two of you sat in his fancy car, a carry-on bag at your side full of the meager toiletries you’d convinced the nurses to let you take. The orange and red glow of the underlights in his dashboard illuminated your feet as you stared downward at nothing.

“Oi, Snot-For-Brains, you alive over there?”

Bakugou’s brusque question brought your eyes up to meet his for the briefest of moments. You tilted your head, the medicine left in your system making it difficult to speak. You fought the all too familiar delay in time that seemed to grow by the second.

“Still here,” you offered softly, the corner of your lip quirking upwards into something akin to a smile.

“Good. I don’t need anyone dying on me in this car,” he answered before his eyes returned to the road ahead. "Just paid the damn thing off."

You smiled.

“I’ll try not... to.”

Besides the soft music from the radio, the car was quiet. It had turned dark before the hospital got all the paperwork finished in order to release you. You didn’t mind. The dark was where you thrived, after all. Where you’d almost died. The moon was peeking out from the clouds among the silhouettes of lighted buildings. It was barely noticeable past the streetlights that would pass, but you noticed it. Your eyes locked on the little semicircle, drawing strength from its willingness to shine. Bakugou broke your trance when he spoke again.

“What happened, slug?” was all he said.

“A lot. I’ll... tell you more when I... can,” you murmured. Bakugou accepted your answer more easily than you’d expected. He didn’t pry, his eyes turning back to the road after glancing at you a few times.

“Do you, uh, need anything special? A humidifier, or whatever?” he asked. The question made you chortle.

“No...” you smiled, lifting a hand to hide your mouth. “I’m not... that frail.”

“Tch, no kidding,” he agreed in a low voice. When he caught you looking at him oddly, he glared at the road. “I mean, you did just survive nearly getting cut in fucking half!” he sputtered. The smile behind your hand grew.

“I’ll... be okay,” you told him. “Look.” To make your point, you wiggled the two sets of antennae atop your head gifted to you by your Quirk. They were slower to respond than you’d like, but they moved to your command, with the smaller set twitching and the larger set pivoting like ears. Bakugou had glanced over in time to see you move each pair separately. You saw a shiver run up his spine.

“Creepy,” he muttered. The insult didn’t bother you much. You were used to hearing it. Having a slug Quirk wasn’t considered flashy or beautiful, but you knew the extent of your own capabilities. Your gaze lingered on his profile, outlined by the streetlights above. His jawline had filled out over the years, but there was still a hint of his former boyishness in his face.

You looked down at the broken phone in your lap. It barely maintained a charge, it was basically ruined, but you’d managed to message Mina Ashido. She was overjoyed to hear from you. You could tell she was holding in her questions about what had happened to reassure you. You’d asked a favor of her, and she’d obliged without any hesitation. You wondered if you’d ever be able to repay her for all her kindness over the years of your long friendship, the two of you had been attached at the hip since middle school. You loved her dearly, though had never said as much out loud. The lingering warmth the conversation brought you was enough for you to stay awake during the remainder of the car ride.

When you arrived at Bakugou’s apartment complex, you weren’t expecting squalor, but nor were you expecting the lavishness that assaulted you at every turn. The delicate organs peeking from your long hair were bombarded with new information. Your companion had earned his place in the hero world. Being the up-and-coming number 2 Pro was nothing to sneeze at. At the same time, you never pegged Bakugou for the rich living type. Some part of you was relieved when you came upon his actual apartment. A penthouse suite, but furnished sparsely and simply for a practical person. Much of the furnishings were black, but again, that could be expected considering who lived here.

As Bakugou swept you further into his place, you peered around. It was meticulously clean, of course, and the kitchen was weirdly enormous. Well, considering who it belonged to, maybe it wasn’t all that weird.

“You’re taking my bed. And I don’t wanna hear nothin’ smart about it,” he barked as he started moving around to pick up odds and ends. “You need more blankets, they're in the hallway closet. It's the second door to the left. Bathroom’s connected to the bedroom at the end of the hall. Now get your ass cleaned up and go to sleep. You’re a fuckin’ mess.”

Ah, so even his bedside manner was deplorable. Good to know you were in such capable hands.

You had to resist the overwhelming urge to roll your eyes. Though, you couldn’t deny you were weary. Your disastrous wound and the medicine they’d pumped you full of the past few days had taken an enormous toll on your body. Recovery hadn’t been easy. Not to mention the effect all the drugs had on your Gastropod Quirk.

The protective layer of mucus that normally covered your hair was watery, and threatening to stick to everything it touched. It felt as disgusting as it probably looked. Bakugou had already warned you back at the hospital not to get any of that “snot” on his things. The fact you felt like you were underwater didn’t help either. Your head hadn’t stopped swimming since you’d woken up properly for the first time in the hospital room. You usually liked the water, but not when it was all in your brain.

“Right,” you drawled, your dark eyes watching Bakugou in distant fascination as he swept some stray mail into a pile on the table next to the door. He either noticed your hesitation or got tired of it, because as soon as he finished, he took a hold of your shoulders and began to guide you toward his bedroom down the hallway.

“What the hell did I just say? You got more snot in your ears than usual or something?”

You shot him a glare that was promptly ignored.

“Look, just clean yourself up and if you’re hungry I’ll fuckin’ feed you, but then it’s bedtime. Got it?”

“Oh, is it... past your... bedtime?” you remarked. You were spun around with such force you thought you were going to pass out. Once the dizziness faded, your eyes locked with bright ruby hues.

“Listen here, slug. If I’m gonna play babysitter to your ass for who knows how long, then you go by my damn rules. Don’t make this more fucking difficult than it already is.” His eyes narrowed dangerously. You couldn't help but wonder what he meant by that, his choice of phrasing odd. However, even you knew when it was time to back down. You heaved a long-suffering sigh. You were too tired to pick his brain. Not only that, but you'd walk away with more questions than answers, that you were certain of.

“Your... flair for... drama... has not left you,” you mumbled. Bakugou’s grip on you tightened minutely, as if he were holding in the urge to blurt something obscene like he usually would. To your astonishment, he kept it together.

“Whatever. Go wash up, you smell like a wet dog that rolled in hell knows what.”

With that, his grip on you ceased. He sharply turned away from you, returning to the living room with a low huff. You tried shoving aside the strange feeling of missing those large, rough-hewn hands encompassing your lithe shoulders as you trudged to where he told you the bathroom would be.

Being alone in the bedroom of your former high school rival was an experience. Whether it was a good experience was up for debate, but at the moment all you could focus on was the door connected to the room that was slightly cracked open. Light was flooding out from it, signaling you to pull it open and reveal a spotlessly clean master bathroom. It had both a shower, and a tub.

How fortuitous for the man who can’t seem to get over calling you playground bully level insults. It was still a welcome sight, however, knowing you had private access to the entirety of the room until Bakugou would inevitably darken your door wanting to know if you’d finally passed on.

Without hesitation, you carefully peeled away your old clothing and bandages to reveal what you’d not been wanting to confront since you left the hospital. The whole reason you’d be holed up with your own personal nurse shark for the foreseeable future.

It was stitched with all the care in the world, an ugly blemish dyed with yellow iodine and old blood, staining your glossy tan skin with a sickly and unpleasant tinge. It split you from the top of your left hip upwards until the final end met the bottom of your sternum, spanning the whole width of your abdomen. You stared at it in the mirror for a long minute, absorbing every detail of it.

That criminal's blade had torn you asunder. Yet, here you stood in Katsuki Bakugou’s bathroom with breath still in your lungs.

By all rights, you shouldn’t be alive.

The thought echoed in your head, foggy and perpetual in the darkness of your mind. Onyx irises met each other in the mirror as you peered through pale bangs at yourself reflected inside the glass.

You looked like a ghost. And, truthfully, you should be one.

Eventually, your logic caught up with you to helpfully remind you that staring at your life-threatening injury in the mirror wouldn’t get you clean or fed.

Resigned, you padded toward the shower to start the water. It fell cold on the hand you held out to check the temperature. You had no doubts Bakugou probably liked his showers hotter than the devil’s teat, but you certainly did not. As soon as the water wasn’t cold enough to make you shiver, you shook the moisture from your hand to grab your bag. You plucked the sample-size shampoo bottle from the top of the pile inside and slithered under the waterfall.

You kept your mind empty as your body went through the motions of cleaning. You did, however, come back to reality long enough to watch the protective layer of mucus covering your hair slough off into the drain.

You hoped, somewhat bitterly, Bakugou had good plumbing. A new layer would form in its place, a stronger layer,  protecting your hair properly instead of acting like a sticky hand fresh from the package at an arcade.

You sighed when you felt the appropriate amount of time had passed before your host would inevitably come looking for you. You were clean enough. You’d managed to wash away the sterile hospital scent and replace it with something lightly floral and refreshing. Your natural scent of wet leaves would make its return once you dried and rested, you imagined. A small comfort. The only good scent was your own.

Though, the strange sweetness permeating all of Bakugou’s home was becoming familiar to you. Albeit reluctantly.

I should give Bakugou more credit, you thought. He did save me from the clutches of death, and all.

Once you’d had enough of ogling your wound again in the mirror before wrapping it up, you came upon a dilemma. Dilemma being the mildest of words to describe the problem.

You had no clean clothes.

Mina had promised you in a text earlier in the day she’d drop by your apartment and grab you enough clothing to cover your, hopefully, short stay at Bakugou’s place and bring it to you. You’d agreed, stupidly perhaps, that she could do that tomorrow when she had a chance.

Your hand wiped over your face, a scowl affixed on your expression, and heaved a sigh. You’d have to borrow something from Bakugou.

Finding a towel big enough to wrap around your willowy figure wasn’t an issue at least. You steeled yourself for facing the owner of the house, taking in a deep, calming breath. Could things really get that much worse?

As it turned out, yes, because the moment you opened the door you were face-to-face with your gracious host who looked like he’d seen a ghost the minute he laid eyes on you.

“For fuck’s sake, where the hell are all your-!”

“Gone.”

He paused, his expression frozen in a contortion of both anger and ... embarrassment? You hadn’t seen that look on him very much in all your years of knowing each other, but he still wore it about as well as a fish wore pants. He reached up to run an agitated hand through the short, buzzed locks of his hair.

“Before you... lose your temper... be reminded I came with nothing but... the clothes the hospital so kindly let me... take. Mina... promised me she would bring more. Tomorrow,” you explained, painstakingly slow as you fought exhaustion, irritation, and pain to form coherent sentences. Bakugou stuttered out something under his breath that sounded strangely like an apology before shaking his head and tearing around his room to find something for you to wear.

“Right. Fine. Whatever. I’ll give you something of mine, but it’s mine, got it? I get it back whenever Racoon-Eyes brings you your own shit,” he grumbled as you watched him rifle through a drawer for something that was even close to small enough to fit you. “And try not to get any damn slime on it!”

An amused smile tugged at your lips. You leaned heavily on the door frame of the bathroom, eyes never leaving Bakugou as he finally pulled out a pair of shorts and an oversized black t-shirt from his dresser’s bottom drawer. As soon as he checked them over (for cleanliness, you assumed), he tossed them your way.

“Here. I don’t wanna hear any complaining about size. It ain’t my fault you’re a stick,” he said, pointing a finger at you with the usual scowl on his face. Compared to you, he’d beefed up in the time you’d spent apart. You noticed it whenever you caught the ripple of muscle through his toned arms.

“Me? Complain...?" You did your best to sound scandalized at the very idea. "You may... have bad manners... but I don’t,” you chided, clumsily catching the bundle in your arms.

You cursed the slip, because you heard Bakugou scoff instead of taking the bait. Were you so wrong for wanting some normalcy between the two of you? You’d traded barbs like cards back at U.A. but clearly Bakugou had other ideas at the moment. You didn’t catch the deepening of his scowl at the comment, too occupied with looking over the new clothing you held.

“Just get dressed, dammit,” he said before storming from the room. Well, at least some things never changed.

Once you were finally settled in fresh clothing, you sat at the edge of Bakugou’s huge bed, tying up your hair into a looping ponytail so that it would be out of your way. It would hopefully also prevent your hair’s natural slime coat from getting onto Bakugou’s clothing while it reformed.

How he slept in such a monstrosity was a mystery to you. The bed was easily three times the size of your own at home. Looking at it closer, it seemed it was fit more for someone like Hawks, whose quirk made it tough to fit in a normal bed. Not really an angry bachelor, as was Bakugou.

The thought of him sharing a bed with anyone but the covers was a funny thought to you. But it turned sour when you felt an odd pang of jealousy at the idea.

Had he shared a bed with anyone else in the five years you’d not seen each other? It would only be reasonable to expect as such. He may be gruff and have all the charm of a bulldog, but he had needs… or so you thought.

Right?

You shook the thought from your mind, bringing a hand up to hold onto your aching head. What had he mentioned earlier before marching you to his bedroom? Food? You hadn’t eaten a decent meal since before you were hospitalized, and that had been… Oh. That was several days ago, now. If your fuzzy memory served right, Bakugou was an... adequate cook. You hated admitting that much, but if he was offering to make you something, then you’d be a fool to turn it down.

Picking yourself up from the edge of the bed, you shuffled out of his bedroom and into the dim hallway leading out toward the main part of his penthouse.

“You ask... if I’m dead... yet you disappear like... a ghost?” you muttered to yourself as you saw not hide nor hair of him in the living room.

A cacophonous rattling of plates and a curse in the direction of the massive kitchen drew your attention. It seemed he was a step ahead of you on the matter of food.

You strolled to the kitchen’s ample island, sitting yourself in a bar seat as quietly as you could while you focused your gaze on Bakugou’s form hustling about the stove top. The drugs remaining inside your system were dulling your senses and your pain, so you hadn’t smelled the food before. However, now that you were close enough, the enticing scent of something light and hearty met you like an old friend. It reminded you again how long you had gone without food, evident by your stomach lightly rumbling.

At first, Bakugou didn’t acknowledge you directly. He must have realized you’d slipped in somewhere along the way though, because he addressed you as he stirred something on the stove without turning to you.

“Pinky told me you don’t eat meat,” he stated, his voice even and, surprisingly, calm. “I’m making vegetable curry. I’ll make sure your portion is up to your wimpy standards, so I don’t wanna hear nothin’ about how hot it is.”

You blinked. You hadn’t realized Bakugou had spoken with Mina at all, let alone about your diet.

When did that happen? While you were effectively dead to the world? How long had Bakugou been thinking about becoming your personal nurse? You suddenly had a lot of questions for your host.

Still, it was true, meat was near indigestible for you. Spicy food rarely agreed with you either, but you knew Bakugou liked everything as hot as his temper.

“I... see. That’s... uncharacteristically considerate... of you,” was all you could think to say.

"Hah?" Ah, there it was. "You really think I'd be such a selfish asshole after all this?" he growled, still not looking at you as he picked up fervor in beating the vegetable sauce in the pot instead.

"You do not... have a fantastic track record... of doing so, no," you pointed out. "You made... Kaminari cry... by giving him that... abominable ramen you enjoyed... in high school. And laughed."

Bakugou was quiet at that. When he did speak again, he stopped stirring.

"That shit was funny, and don't you try and act like you didn't laugh like the rest of the peanut gallery," he grunted. "And it wasn't 'abominable'," he mocked, "it was the only good, cheap ramen at that shitty school!"

The familiarity and comfort of his banter won a tiny smile from you as you rested your head against your arm. You watched as his movements slowed back to a more professional pace.

"Fair enough," you relented. Bakugou gave a hum of satisfaction.

“Drinks are in the ‘fridge. Get whatever you want,” he told you. You slipped off your chair, moving to the large, double-door refrigerator. It was filled with clearly fresh groceries, vegetables of all kinds spilling out from various places, and packages of what seemed to be seafood, and tofu. A shelf in the door was full of nothing but a plethora of hot sauces of every label and brand. You wrinkled your nose at the sight, trying to focus on finding the drinks. They were located in a plastic drawer at the bottom, but you merely selected a bottle of water that’d caught your eye before closing the fridge.

You stood for a moment, watching Bakugou at the stove. From here, you could see the steam rising from the pot of rice. You also saw that he had set aside a pan of curry from the main portion. Was that for you, or him? You couldn’t quite tell. You had apparently stared too long, because Bakugou turned his usual glower on you.

“What?” he barked. You clutched your water bottle to your chest, the cool plastic bleeding through your shirt.

“Nothing,” you replied. “You just... look at home among all the... pots and pans.”

“The hell? You tryin’ to say I belong in the kitchen?” he pointed the large utensil in his hand at you accusingly, a vein popping in his neck at the insinuation.

“Of course... not.” You held up your hands in surrender. “You’re the one who... always brags... about your cooking. You seem... comfortable... when you’re making food.”

Bakugou’s eyes narrowed at you as he tried to think of a reply, but when something simmered in front of him, he turned back to it with a disgruntled sound. When it was clear he wasn’t going to answer with anything more than a scowl in your direction, you decided to make your way back to your former seat at the island with drink in hand.

The kitchen grew quiet after that, barring the sounds of Bakugou working and the gentle bubbling of the curry. You’d noted that he didn't use an automatic rice cooker, he did it all himself. Impressive, but likely just another detail of his skills to boast about.

In the silence, you remembered the manners you'd boasted about earlier. Specifically, being thankful to your temperamental host. Despite his bedside manner needing improvement, he'd truly done a lot for you. More than you'd thought him capable of. You hated owing people, but there's comfort in the way Bakugou made it so you couldn't protest his "kindness" as he knew you might.

After some thought, you finally eke out the phrase that had been on the tip of your tongue since Bakugou had offered to take you in until you were healed enough to return home.

“Bakugou?” you asked tentatively. He stopped stirring the rice to turn around, pinning you with his usual wrathful stare as he obviously expected another snarky comment.

“Thank you,” you bowed your head to him with your hands clutched in your lap, eyes downcast. A faint blush dusted your cheeks, and of course it would. Your sensitive antennae gave the smallest twitch. You hoped that he understood you meant more than just the food. You didn’t see him turn back around, nor did you see the slight softening of his expression in reply to your gratitude. A beat passed before he answered.

“Yeah.”

⁠—

A plate of fresh, steaming curry with a side of rice was placed in front of you on the counter, along with a spoon. You raised your head to look at the cook and thank him, but he was already moving to sit across from you as he pulled a barstool to the other side of the island.

He set his plate down, bombarding your senses with the frankly offensive amount of spice he liked in his food. His curry was much more red than your own, which, by all rights, looked to be a tolerable level. You both mumbled a quiet thanks for the meal, then you picked up your spoon to start eating.

It was hot, but only in temperature. He’d managed to keep the spices to himself, it seemed. You found yourself smiling a bit at that. The taste was nice, but you still ate slowly. Bakugou didn’t play with his food, but you noticed him hesitating in taking a bite. You’d felt his eyes on you since the first spoonful. You put down your silverware.

“If you’re... expecting a review...” you started, a gentle, teasing lilt to your voice.

“Shut up and eat!” he bellowed, then began to wolf down his curry like a starved man. It drew a soft chuckle from you.

The dinner continued in the silent way that dinners do, the clinking of spoons against porcelain being the only noise that cut through it. You had other things on your mind besides him, all of which were beginning to surface with more clarity as the food helped the medicine in your system recede. You were drifting when you heard Bakugou clear his throat.

“I know you said you’d tell me when you can, but what the hell happened?”

You shifted in your seat. That was sooner than you’d thought it’d be.

“I was... caught infiltrating a... criminal organization. One of the other... members... lured me out on a fake errand... and left me to die,” you explained. You didn’t want to go too far into details about your work for the Hero Public Safety Commission, not right now.

“You’re a stealth operative for the HC, right? Racoon-Eyes mentioned it once or twice.” You could hear the barely contained anger threatening to spill out in his voice. It was clear he wanted to know more, but he shoved a spoonful of curry into his mouth instead.

“Yes.”

“And still holdin’ number 7? Can’t imagine the public knows a whole lot about you, though,” he snorted. “You’re better off that way, trust me.”

You stopped eating to cock your head, fixing him with curious eyes.

“You’re... number 2, right? Is the public so... bad?”

Bakugou huffed.

“Nah, but they’re nosy fuckers. The media ain’t much better. Worse, if anything.” There was a pointed note of disdain in his voice. It reminded you of something.

“Yes... They make... quite a big deal... of the fact Endeavor is still... active,” you said, lifting a spoonful to your mouth. You’re startled by the sound of Bakugou’s own spoon clattering against his nearly empty plate.

“Yeah, I know. That stubborn old bastard says I ain’t ready for it yet and won't even tell me why! It’s bullshit,” he snarled, crossing his arms over his chest and staring you down. “I don’t know what the hell his problem is, but I’m gettin’ real tired of it. He’s gonna be pushin’ 60, what’s the damn point?”

You blinked a few times at him, then put the bite you were holding into your mouth. You chewed slowly. It’s a long enough pause that Bakugou raises a fine brow at you questioningly.

“People are... stuck in their... ways,” you replied. Your answer didn’t seem to satisfy him. If anything, it appeared to anger him further.

“What about you? I don’t see or hear shit from you for five damn years, and then you text me outta nowhere for help? The fuck is that about, slug?” You froze. The irritation at having the conversation turned on you once more was enough to make the delicate stalks on your head twitch.

“The HC is... hellbent... on keeping me a secret. In case... you hadn’t noticed,” you stated coldly. “Besides... I knew... your and Red Riot’s... agency... patrolled that area. You were... my first thought.” Your brows knit together behind your curtain of hair, and you were thankful he couldn’t see it. The reply made him bark out a cruel-sounding laugh.

“But me? Why not fuckin’ Pinky or, hell, even the Tape-face?” he growled as he angrily took a bite of his food. “Ain’t like they don’t work for me.”

You bid yourself to calm down as you racked your brain for an answer. Why did you text Bakugou of all people? You found yourself slightly regretting the decision.

“I knew... you would be... the one to know... what I meant in my message,” you finally said. He grunted.

“Texting someone the word help with coordinates attached ain’t exactly as mysterious as you think it is, slug,” he said, shaking his head. “Where the hell was the Hero Commission anyway? Didn’t they send you with any damn backup? Couldn’t you see that whatever dumb villain did that to you was gonna snap?”

“It was... too dangerous to send... more operatives,” you explained. “I was... a good fit.” You left it at that, his other questions hanging in the air. He noticed, because he stood up from his seat abruptly to lean over the island, braced on his palms, to glare at you from above.

“A good fit? That’s a fuckin’ laugh! You were bleeding out in a shitty alleyway, and no one would’ve found your corpse if I didn’t get there in time! What the hell were those higher-up idiots thinking, putting you in that kinda situation all by yourself?”

You gritted your teeth, temper boiling up through your veins. It felt like ice coursing through you. You calmly placed your spoon down on your plate, your half-finished food turning to ashes in your mouth. You rose slowly from your seat, and it seemed Bakugou had finally caught onto the fact he’d angered you. He withdrew a bit, but his glare was still just as piercing.

“I live in the shadows, and... that's where I'll die,” you clenched your fists at your sides. “It must be... so nice, to not have to... worry about that," you replied to him, voice low and frigid. "If... it's such a big deal to you, why... did you... come for me? Why... go through all this... trouble?" You gestured widely to the meal, the apartment, and yourself, clothed in his spare wardrobe.

Your questioning leaves Bakugou looking stunned. He gave an owlish blink, his scowl wiped away temporarily as his lips hang open without retort. You can practically see the hamster wheel turning inside his head, complete with a furious-looking rodent.

You fought an oncoming wave of stress-induced dizziness and nausea. You brought a hand up to your head to steady yourself and squeezed your eyes shut to block out the increasingly incessant lights, wrapping the other arm protectively around your middle. You give one last glance to Bakugou's deepening frown.

“Thank you for... the food, Bakugou, but I think... I need to... rest.”

"Oi⁠—!"

With that, you turn and stalk off to the dark reaches of his bedroom, leaving Bakugou with only his thoughts and the dirty dishes.

⁠—

You hadn’t left Bakugou’s bedroom since you closed the door behind you. Normally, you’d have been polite enough to at least help with the dishes, but the whole ordeal had upset you enough that you couldn’t think of anything more than your own spinning head. As the calm of the darkness settled over you, you felt yourself regretting your words to the man. After all, he had helped you. Yes, you were in pain. Yes, Bakugou had likely overstepped. At the same time, you’d practically thrown his kindness back into his face and spat on it.

You physically cringed at the thought. It wouldn’t surprise you if he threw you out the next day. Better enjoy this ridiculously huge bed while it lasted, you sighed.

You were sprawled out atop the bed, not even bothering to get under the covers. It'd been a few hours at least since the dinner. Once the nausea had passed and your head no longer ached, you were left only with echoes of your fraught conversation to plague you. Needless to say, you hadn't gotten any sleep since you'd laid down.

It certainly wasn’t as if you wanted to die the way you almost did. However, Bakugou made it hard to understand why he’d do all this for you. To his credit, he’d never been an easy person to understand. You knew his temper, you knew his bluntness, and you knew from your years together at U.A. what drove him, considering he never shut up about being the number one. The memories made you smile, the smallest quirk of your lips. At the same time, there was a part of him that he was good at obscuring. He was a straightforward person, that much was certain, but there was a piece of his puzzle you’d never quite understood.

You sighed miserably, rolling onto your uninjured side as you stared out into the darkness of his room. How did he sleep in this bed? It felt so incredibly empty. Perhaps he liked the space. Knowing what you did about him, it wouldn’t come as a surprise to you. He seemed the type to toss and turn until his body finally gave over to slumber. How he maintained a strict bedtime was a mystery to you with your chronic insomnia coupled with horrendous paranoia.

You buried your nose into his comforter, immediately breathing in that strange and sweet scent that lingered in the air throughout his penthouse. You’d finally figured out what it was.

His Quirk.

You’d read, somewhere, long ago, that nitroglycerin gave off a distinctly sweet scent. Some likened it to caramel, but his smell wasn't nearly that pure. Likely because whatever caused his sweat to be explosive wasn’t pure nitroglycerin. Still, the composition was similar, right? It would make sense. You closed your eyes. It wasn’t all that different from the damp foliage smell that your slime created, though you much preferred that smell over his at the moment. His was merely a reminder of whose house you were in.

You reached up to rub your temple. You’d have to apologize to him. You weren’t sure if that’d save you from being swiftly booted from his door in the morning, but you had some faith that Mina would be willing to take you in.

Lost in your drifting thoughts, you snuggled against one of his pillows and were assaulted by his scent. And a memory. A memory?

In your second year at U.A., you and Bakugou had formally faced each other during a mock battle at the Sports Festival. You’d lost by a hair, mostly because it was warm that day, and you’d dehydrated from both the fight and Bakugou’s fiery explosions. It was a pitiful defeat, in your mind, even if you’d placed 3rd in the end. It was also the first time you’d ever caught a glimmer of the side of himself Bakugou hid so expertly.

You looked at the scar on your arm. It was one of the few you had, now counting the one that would likely form across your abdomen from the villain attack.

In the dark, it wasn’t difficult to see. A faded, bright patch of skin over your tan complexion. In many ways, it resembled a star streaking over the night sky. It was long, stretching in ragged lines over the back of your forearm and ended in a distinct shape on the back of your hand. It was formed when you took a point-blank blast from Bakugou in a poor attempt to block the only way you knew how in the heat of the moment. You thought you could take the impact of the blast to throw that force back at him with your rubbery body. Instead, you were sent sprawling with a bloody arm onto the concrete stage.

You remembered trying to get up, struggling to get to your knees, not realizing the extent of your injuries. You were determined to let him see what you could really do. To let everyone see what you could really do. It was almost funny to look back on when your mere existence was so clandestine nowadays.

He’d stopped you by placing a firm, hot palm over your back and pressing you down into the hard stone. You were sure he was going to blast you into the ground, then and there. You’d watched with glassy eyes as the surrounding crowd was awash with jeers and calls for the referee, Mr. Cementoss.

Bakugou didn’t throw all his weight onto you, nor did he blast you. He only said three words that you barely heard before you finally passed out from the pain and exhaustion of the match.

“You did fine.”

After that, you’d woken up in Recovery Girl’s office with Mr. Aizawa at your side to tell you not to push yourself so hard next time. He’d drawn your attention to your now bandaged arm, pointing out that it was going to scar. You’d begrudgingly accepted his advice about understanding your limits. Sometimes, the best trick in a hustler’s arsenal, you knew, is when you should fold.

That being said, you never had been sure how you ended up in the nurse’s office. Your brows furrowed at the thought. Back then, you had asked Aizawa if he’d taken you, but he’d just scratched his neck and told you that he was watching from the stands without any indication of who had taken you. You’d later learn from Mina that she’d rushed to the stage to offer to take you. You assumed all these years later she was the one to haul you there. However, with your antennae surrounded by Bakugou’s scent, you were remembering a different version of events.

You hadn’t entirely passed out after Bakugou had claimed his victory. You were conscious in flashes, mostly from the pain in your arm. You do remember hearing Mina’s desperate voice, but she wasn’t yelling at you. She was saying something to someone else.

“Let me do it! Please Bakugou, you hurt them enough already!”

“Shut up, Racoon-Eyes, and get outta my way!”

The feeling of being braced over a large, muscular shoulder as you were carried. The growl in his voice as you were berated for your damned recklessness.

The next time you heard anything, you were being laid out on a bed while Recovery Girl frantically worked in the background. She was scolding your carrier.

“I’m fine, old hag! Just take care of them.”

A door slammed, and all was quiet at last. You finally succumbed to fatigue at the sounds of bandages rustling and kissy noises. Mina hadn’t carried you to Recovery Girl that day.

Bakugou had.

You jolted up, letting out a seething hiss as your wound reminded you that it was very much still there. You slumped, looking out into the dark bedroom with a grimace. You glanced at the closed door leading out into the hallway.

Compelled, you scooted off the bed, coming to stand in front of the door. You opened it quietly and were greeted with nothing but darkness. The tentacles atop your head swiveled as they took in your environment, allowing you to navigate the pitch black with ease until the hall opened out into the living room.

The only sounds were the distant hum of the city, and a ticking from an analog clock somewhere in the background. The soft noise of someone breathing was coming from the large, leather sectional that Bakugou had, the dim light from his windows allowing you to make out a figure bundled in blankets atop it.

You approached on silent feet until you were standing next to your unconscious host. You felt your expression soften. He was far more peaceful at rest than any other time in his life, the angry lines in his face nonexistent as he snored quietly.

You hesitantly reached out, wondering if you should even bother until morning. You had no idea what time it was, you’d been laying in bed drifting in and out of consciousness but failing to fall asleep properly. Your hand hovered over his shoulder, but you pulled away when you heard him snort.

Red eyes fluttered open at the interrupted snore, unfocused, before they settled on you and grew wide. In an instant, Bakugou was on his feet, his hand wrapping around your slender wrist and crackling ominously. You braced, ready to accept your fate when he finally rasped out your name in question.

“Fucking Christ. You’re goddamn lucky I didn’t blow your hand off, Snot-for-Brains,” he growled, voice husky with sleep.

“I suppose... I would deserve it,” you countered softly.

“Hah? What the hell are you talking about?”

You tilted your head. Did he not remember your little tiff earlier? At the gesture, it clicked into place for him.

“Oh. The dinner thing,” he said. His eyes met yours for a brief moment, assessing. Then, he shook his head, his gaze drifting to the side. “Don’t fucking worry about it.”

This was when he noticed he was still holding onto your wrist. He withdrew his hand like he’d been burned, leaving you to rub the spot while checking for damage. Thankfully, the only thing that remained was a warm sensation. It was a remarkable bit of restraint on his part. Bakugou cleared his throat, but you spoke first.

“I’m sorry. About... all that. I really am... thankful for all you’re doing for me. I... also realize you’re not obligated to... do any of it,” you murmured, hanging your head as you set your eyes on the floor. You heard him huff.

“Well, duh. I wouldn’t be doin’ it if I didn’t want to,” he stated, his arms folding against his chest. “But from now on, try not to kill yourself. I’ve seen enough of your dumb, passed out ass to last me a damn lifetime.”

Again, another strange choice of words from him. You lifted your gaze, dark eyes narrowing at him in the dimness. He wasn’t looking at you, determined to keep his eyes on something to his right.

“I’ll try,” you replied, letting yourself relax. You could feel a wave of exhaustion washing over you. You were relieved. At least it didn’t seem like Bakugou was going to shove you out the door in the morning. “Did... you want your bed... back?”

Bakugou looked at you in disbelief.

“Hell no! Which one of us almost got gutted like a damn fish, huh? You take the bed, idiot,” he stated sternly.

“I hate it,” you said bluntly. “It’s far... too big... for one person.”

“Yeah, if that person weighs less than a paper sack soakin’ wet, like you,” he retorted. He let out a frustrated sigh, letting his arms drop to his sides. “I can’t believe I’m about to suggest this, but would it make your stupid ass feel better if I was there?” You were taken aback by the question. You stared at the ground, then him.

It wasn’t a stretch by any imagination to say you’d had less than a few purely friendly thoughts about Bakugou in the ensuing years you’ve known him. For as atrocious as his attitude was, he was attractive, well-built, and had a decently handsome face. In your mind, one would have to be blind not to see that much. The idea that he’d be in the same bed as you in the real world, however, was not one you’d ever thought you’d confront.

“I...” you stuttered, uncertain of exactly what to say. In the darkness, you thought you saw the beginnings of a flush in Bakugou’s neck and ears. You had to wipe away the immediate idea you had about how pretty it looked on him.

“Just answer the damn question!”

You swallowed.

“That... might help. Yes,” you managed. You fiddled with the hem of your borrowed shirt, not looking at Bakugou directly anymore. You tried to fight the heat rising to your cheeks, hoping the darkness would cover for you should you lose the battle.

“C’mon then, we ain’t got all night,” he commanded as he started making his way to the bedroom. You followed in a daze, unable to believe you were about to share a bed with Bakugou Katsuki. Sure, you’d had something of a crush on him in your later high school days despite the rivalry the two of you maintained, but that was years ago, for God’s sake. Some higher power was clearly getting a laugh from this, and you cursed their name in your head.

You hesitated at the doorway to the bedroom, watching as Bakugou turned over the covers.

“Did you even fucking sleep?” he grumbled, more to himself than you.

“Not... really,” you answered from the door frame. He whipped around to look at you, pinning you with ruby eyes of disbelief that nearly glowed in the darkness of the room.

“Shut up, and get in,” he pointed to the bed. You strolled past him, feeling his glower on you as you climbed into the plush cocoon of blankets with a creak of the mattress. This was indeed far more comfortable than laying atop all the covers, you’d give him that much.

As soon as you had arranged yourself on one side of the bed, Bakugou laid himself on the opposite side. You were forced to face him due to your injury. He didn’t cover himself completely with the sheets as he sprawled out on his back. He tucked his hand under the pillow beneath his head, eyes closing. You couldn’t help but notice it left an empty, enticing space against his side.

Before you realized what you were doing in the haze of your pain-addled and weary mind, you’d wormed your way closer to him. You tentatively reached out to place a hand on his chest. He was so warm beneath your palm, the feeling of his heartbeat against it reminded you he was very real.  

“What the fuck do you think you’re doing?” he growled without opening his eyes. You blinked your way back to reality, about to remove your hand when he let out a low huff.

“If you’re gonna do this shit, at least follow through,” he groused.

You had to hold back the incredulity in your expression, even if he wouldn't have seen it anyway. Too tired to argue, you could figure out the meaning of his words. You mustered your courage. Keeping your hand against his heart, you slid over until you were tucked against his side with your face buried to his black wife beater. He was practically a furnace, his warmth permeating from where the two of you met against each other. You fought the urge to peer up at him and gauge his expression, fearful of what you might find there. You focused your gaze on his chest instead.

“Relax, idiot. I don’t bite.”

You didn’t realize how tense you’d been. He let out a deep breath, and you could feel his body relaxing alongside yours.

“Are you finally good?” You could feel the rumble of his low voice against your cheek. You nod.

“Good, now go the fuck to sleep. Tomorrow, you're helping with the dishes."

"Fair... enough."

You yawned softly. With eyes closed, you focused on the sound of his breathing. You were all too aware of the rise and fall of his chest under your hand, the slight quickening of his heart when you’d sidled up to him. A tiny smile graced your lips. Feeling safer than you’d felt in a long time, you allowed the gift of slumber to claim you at last.

[wordsinwinters]

Then Again, Part 26 (Peter Parker x Reader)

Masterlist (with AO3 links)

Total word count: 50,293

Part 1, Part 2, Part 3, Part 4, Part 5, Part 6, Part 7, Part 8, Part 9, Part 10, Part 11, Part 12, Part 13, Part 14, Part 15, Part 16, Part 17, Part 18, Part 19, Part 20, Part 21, Part 22, Part 23, Part 24, Part 25,

Summary: After an intense argument and a forced-to-share-the-bed situation during their junior year decathlon trip, Peter and the Reader examine their faults and failings. As they attempt to fix their mistakes and improve their friendship, that friendship quickly begins to evolve into something else.

Slow burn fic in which all characters are included and their dynamics explored; multiple character POVs.

Betas: @girl-tips-from-satan and @fanboyswhereare-you

A/N: This isn’t my favorite chapter, but it’s been sitting in my drafts for over a year and I figured if I don’t post it now, I’ll never move on to the next. Additionally, as always, I live for feedback. 😉

Without further ado,

Then Again Part 26:

(Words: 2,825)

The bus ride will probably get boring soon, or at least as long as the girls stay asleep, but even as quiet as it is, it’s almost a perfect morning. Being early (around 6:00, I think?), there’s barely any light except street lamps and car lights, but some of the clouds on the right have caught a pretty bluish purple tinge. It reminds me of that Rainbow Fish book Aunt May used to read to me as a kid. To make it better, the morning air is chilly enough that the driver turned the heaters on low so it’s wrapped-in-a-blanket-while-it-snows warm in here. Although that also might be why, apart from general dirt and old gum, the strongest smell on the bus is salty grease— since the nearest heater is under the seat Flash spilled french fries and chicken nuggets in yesterday. It could be worse, though. I mean, it’s not necessarily a bad smell and the traffic isn’t horrible. It’s not the best, but it could definitely be louder and a lot slower. The field of flowing red tail lights ahead of us is oddly comforting, like a snail-slow pasture of mechanical color. 

All in all, it’s a pretty cozy start for a dreaded five hour bus ride. It’s giving me quiet time to think. So that’s where I’m at. Or should be. I got some stuff organized in my head last night even if I keep getting distracted now. Well, it was more like a couple hours ago, since I wasn’t able to get to sleep for so long after we said goodnight. But anyway, I’m trying to focus. It’s just hard, even with both of them sleeping.

From my and Ned’s spot behind them, watching the girls’ heads gently shake and bump against each other as the bus shudders through potholes is kind of calming. They seem so peaceful from this angle, like two people who’ve never pranked me and Ned to the point we were nearly suspended, or kept us awake and annoyed by asking paradoxical hypothetical questions because they know how Ned and I will argue for days if we don’t agree on an answer, or anything else like that. It’s like finding two mischievous cats sleeping, curled up on a chair. It’s easier to appreciate them when they aren’t causing chaos. But it’s not that hard to appreciate them when they are anyway.

Though Ned and I won’t admit it when they’re fully awake, seeing their heads smack into the seat in front of them each time the bus lurched to a halt at stoplights (during the first ten minutes after they’d fallen asleep) was funnier than it should’ve been. Even knowing then that we wouldn’t mention it later didn’t stop us from exchanging silent laughs when they leaned back up, muttering unintelligible complaints before settling their heads back onto one another. For the last couple stoplights before the highway, at least, we decided to be better friends. We both stood up with one leg on the floor and one knee on our own seat so we could easily hold their foreheads back each time it happened. Again, I wouldn’t admit this out loud, even to Ned, but it’s a little bit funny that Ned was a split second slower than me, so while I kept catching MJ’s head before the stop, he half-smacked Y/N’s forehead, like a really-close-to-the-floor basketball dribble, and made a wincing face each time. A lot of times. But it did stop her from colliding with the seat, and she didn’t wake up or complain. 

As nice as it is with them and almost everyone else sleeping through the dark, quiet first hour of the bus trek back to New York, I am excited for her and MJ to wake up. Whenever that is. I’ve missed them. 

But anyway, I really need to focus. God. I’m not doing a great job of that this morning. Apparently. So I’m focusing now. It’s like Ned said. I need to be honest with myself. 

Okay. 

Alright. 

No distractions. 

I’m going to set myself straight now, before we get back, so I can make a game plan and be more decisive and make less mistakes. Fewer? Yeah, fewer mistakes. She’s told me that half a dozen times this since she read that grammar book last summer. But that’s not important.

If I’m being honest... I think I’ve avoided the real possibility that things could work out between us because it felt too risky. And I make some dumb, impulsive choices. So that’s saying a lot. If she said no, what’s the worst that could happen? May and Ned have been asking me that for months, and it’s been so frustrating. The answer should be obvious. The worst thing wouldn’t be the rejection, it’d be if it made her uncomfortable and she broke off our friendship. Or, even if she stuck around, if our friendship changed and I had to watch her get more and more distant, knowing it was my fault and nothing would ever go back to normal. 

Those were the worst — and, I thought, most probable — possibilities. For months I’ve been certain that if anything changed, everything would, and it’d all go to shit. So I kept dodging it. And dodging her before the trip. But, then, things did change this weekend. Things are changing. We fought, and it was super shitty and awful and a total nightmare fiasco, but we made up. And she seemed almost as relieved as me when we did. Now we even have this pact about spending more time together. I know it’s officially only in the name of friendship, but something’s… different. I feel it, and I think she does too. And it doesn’t seem bad. That’s the craziest part. I mean, she even kissed me last night. On the cheek, but still. “Keep it.” Maybe May’s not ridiculous: she really might feel the same way. 

I’ve been texting her this morning, actually. Aunt May. I had to admit that I’m happy she forced me to do the forehead kiss thing last night. As annoyed as I was that she and Ned ganged up on me like that, I can’t dispute the results. She kissed me! Kind of. (To be fair, she did hit my mouth a little bit even if it was an accident.) At first it made me wonder if she heard any of Ned’s shout-comments before I could turn the t.v. up to cover what he was saying. But I doubt it. Even if she felt the same way, I know her too well to think she wouldn’t freak out more and enough that it’d be noticable. Yeah, no, I’d definitely have been able to tell if she’d heard him saying things like, “Nobody’s saying you have to tell her that you googled the probability of high school sweethearts getting married that time she saved your ass on that Bronte essay, but yeah, Aunt May’s right! Just ask her to come over and either talk to her or do the hair/forehead thing!” Anyway, May’s on board with her coming over a lot this week and next week and giving us some space. So are Ned and MJ. Ned said they agreed on giving us two weeks (starting tomorrow) without them hanging out after school. And who knows, if the dance goes really well, maybe it’ll be normal for us to hang out, just us, without the whole group. Because… well, I don’t want to get too far ahead of myself. 

I’ll admit, they’re the best friends I could ever have. All three of them. 

And it’s nice to have them all here now, Ned to my left and the girls in front of us. It’s even nicer to be outside of class or the city or crazy study sessions and have had a short breather from all that (despite the shitshow before we smoothed things over and could enjoy it). To be somewhere chill together. Yesterday and today probably feel even better because the last few days, or even weeks… no— months, if I’m being honest— have had me in a kind of less than happy place. But that’s over now. We’re all here and things are finally good. I just wish the girls would wake up, especially since Ned’s back on his phone. Again. 

Yesterday, everybody hung out for most of the afternoon, but being in the whole decathlon group isn’t the same as just being the four of us. Or two. 

Speaking of two— Ned being away during this next week or two is going to make everything so… unfiltered. New. Without his interference and being able to talk to him as often as normal, it’ll mostly just be her and me. Nobody to distract attention or blame stuff on or help me out when I’m doing something dumb (which is often). Like, for example, last night when I maybe let my excitement get the better of me and I might’ve jumped on the bed and thrown a pillow that accidentally broke the lamp on the nightstand. While I don’t really think writing that “Bill Mr. Harrington” note with the school’s address was Ned’s best idea, it helped me not care too much, enough that I didn’t do something dumber like actually tell Mr. Harrington. It might come back to bite us, though. Still, he was genuinely helpful this morning when Flash showed up too. 

While we were hanging out in the girls’ room waiting for them to finish packing, there was a knock on the door. I figured it was Mr. Harrington about to yell at me and Ned for the broken lamp, so I motioned to Ned to shut up and move closer to the head of the bed we were already sitting on where, courtesy of the wall between the bedroom and bathroom, he wouldn’t be able to see us as long as he stayed by the doorway. MJ gave us an odd glance before she got up to answer it. Her annoyed, “What are you doing here?” didn’t immediately disqualify Mr. Harrington, but the sound of Flash’s voice saying, “I, uh, brought you guys some muffins,” made me tense at the first syllable.

“The free muffins they give us for breakfast?”

MJ’s dripping sarcasm nearly made me laugh even though I couldn’t see her, but Y/N turning from her suitcase and walking over to join them killed it still in my throat. 

“Nope,” he said. “They’re fancy muffins from a bakery a few miles away.”

I wanted to roll my eyes out of my skull.

She may not like him, but that doesn’t mean I was wrong about him being into her. What a dumb way to impress someone. “Fancy muffins.”

“Expensive?” MJ asked. Even without seeing her face, I could tell she was giving him the squint death stare. It’s scary to have to respond to that face if you don’t know what the right answer is.

“Yes, especially with the delivery fee,” he said, sounding prepared for the question, “but they’re from a small local place, not a chain, which I figured you guys would appreciate. Actually, I think you’d like the woman who owns it, she was super grouchy and hard to convince.”

“Convince?”

“They don’t normally deliver at 5 in the morning.”

“Oh, so you thought you could just—”

“What kind did you get?” 

That’s one of the things I like about Y/N. She knows how to manage tempers and when to jump in; she has Flash and MJ down to a science. In that moment, though, I wanted MJ to fire her most confrontational questions at him with no mercy.

“Well, they’re all apology muffins—” I heard MJ scoff. Exactly. She gets it. “But I got blueberry, chocolate, obviously, coffee, cranberry orange, maple, I think that one has chicken in it or something, and banana nut.”

Ned and I turned towards each other with silent smirks at the last one. It’s a dumb joke, but under normal circumstances we’d never resist—

“Cool. Since you’ve brought so many, you can come in.”

Sometimes MJ drives me up the wall. This was one of those times. 

I mentally took back my agreement with her scoff.

The three of them came into the room, and for a couple seconds, Flash didn’t see us. The girls were closer to the window than they were to the wall and the bed Ned and I were sitting on, and he didn’t look behind him. Until MJ pointed us out directly.

“You can give them some too,” she said, her expression bordering on smug. “Apology muffins, right?”

Flash froze for a second. I straightened my back. Neither Ned or I said anything.

“Yeah, yeah,” he nodded. “Of course.”

Surprisingly, he shook his shoulders like a bug just buzzed by his head and walked over, opening a giant rectangle of a box up to us. 

“Take however many you guys want.”

I stared at him, not moving. Nobody flinched. Then I realized he was tapping the side of the box with his thumb. Not in an asshole come on, hurry up way, but in an anxious way. Just as I started to reach toward the box, Y/N asked:

“Why’d you get so many of the coffee ones?”

Flash looked away at just the right second. 

Did I technically cave first by reaching into the box? Yes. But did anyone see? No.

Although, I guess he technically caved by offering us the muffins in the first place. Ha. All the same, I took a blueberry one. 

“They’re my dad’s favorite. I wanted to surprise him, you know? But I can’t even get a hold of.... Um, are your guys’ parents going to pick you up when we get there, or are you actually staying for school?”

“Staying.”

“All of you?” 

He looked around to ask all of us, even me and Ned. We all nodded. When he looked at me, though, his eyes twitched. It’s a face I’ve gotten a lot before. He realized he said parents. 

“You said these are orange cranberry?” Ned asked, pointing. 

Flash nodded. 

“They’re solid, though the banana nut ones are probably the best.”

As I said, under normal circumstances, like if one of the girls had said it, I would’ve laughed right then, but I’m not used to laughing around Flash. Ned, who usually follows that same rule, shook his head and grinned, if a little bit... nervously?

“Hell no!” he said, pretending to be mildly outraged. “I’m not eating banana-bust-a-nut muffins.”

A second surprise: Flash tilted his head and paused, clearly as stunned to be told a joke by Ned as the rest of us were to witness it— and laughed. So did everyone else. It was only for a few seconds, like literally three quick seconds, but for the first time for as long as I can remember, all of us were laughing with Flash. It stopped almost as soon as it started. 

Tension crept back in soon so he left pretty quickly after that with an awkward, “See you guys in a few.” Thank god. 

The girls finished tidying their room and going over the homework that’s due today (which we did last week since we knew we’d never get it done on the trip), before forcing me and Ned into the hallway so Mr. Harrington wouldn’t need to check our room for us and potentially find the broken lamp. 

And then, pretty soon, we ended up on the warm bus, loaded in with everyone else. It seemed like everybody but Ned and I were too quiet and sleepy and squinty to be able to talk much before dozing off or staring blankly out the window or scrolling social media on their phones, the latter two options leading to the first in most cases. At this point, I think Ned, Flash, and I are the only ones still awake. 

I’m going to work at tolerating him. As long as he doesn’t cross any lines with anybody from now on, I won’t bait him either. (Admittedly, I’ve been guilty of that, especially recently.) I mean, his comment about his dad was hard to miss. And even when he said it, it wasn’t a shock. Everyone in our grade at some point has had to listen to Flash’s rambling excuses for his parents ignoring or forgetting to show up for school events. Maybe being a dick is just hereditary for him. Or a family tradition. 

I don’t remember how I got so off track. Where was I before? Oh yeah. Risk. Possibilities. The almost-worst case scenario that turned out not so bad. It’s been a messy weekend with plenty of re-evaluating, but the point is simple: I think I’ve got to give a few new things a try, and I’m excited to have a chance over the next couple weeks.

Next update: God only knows.

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[raspberryfanfics]

La Primavera—NT Month Day 2

Day 2 - Primavera or spring

I know i’m late ok? Only 17 minutes of day 3 so making the most out of it

On FFn

Introduction

The optional part of a sonata, slower than the main theme, usually in the dominant key. May contain material later stated in the exposition.

Lead violin.

Tenten swore those words would haunt her until the day she died. She was so close. Her audition was perfect. Her music was expressive, her calloused fingers rolling across the strings with grace and her arms moving the bow with so much feeling.

And the worst part was that even if her audition was perfect, she still knew that there was no way she would have made solo violin compared to Neji Hyuga. Because the moment she heard him play, she knew he did everything she did twice as well.

To be honest, La Primavera wasn't even that hard to learn as a girl who had played the violin for 18 years. She shouldn't be so upset. It wouldn't be her most important gig. It was a charity one. She wasn't even going to get played. But she knew immediately that she lost the position very easily to him. She had never lost so badly

So the past four weeks, it had been playing the first violin leading the string quartet rather than the solo violin leading the song. Tenten had been responding to the solo violin on the music rather than asking. But what could she do? No matter how much more effort she put in, she couldn't have beat Neji Hyuga, whoever that was.

But who was she kidding? She had stalked Neji Hyuga on Instagram, Twitter, and every other social media he rarely used. He appeared more frequently on the news, awards, charities, and small albums. He wrote his own music.

Meanwhile, she was making pop covers with a violin.

Of course, Tenten wrote her own music too, but it was simple, nowhere as extravagant as his.

Tenten walked into the rented church, her case heavy in her arm. A smiling boy joined her side, he had shiny black hair cut into a bowl-shape, a case similar to hers, only larger. She assumed he was the violist.

"I'm Tenten," she offered.

"Lee," he flashed a smile, bright and glaring. It made her wince, though she thought he seemed like a sweet person.

"Are you familiar with the other musicians, Hinata, Gai, and Kakashi?" she asked.

"Not Hinata," Lee said, his voice loud. "Gai-sensei taught me everything I know about the viola, Kakashi is his husband. They are incredibly talented. Do you know of Neji Hyuga?"

Tenten nodded weakly. "Yes, I've listened to his recordings. He's great."

Fucking amazing, she meant.

And he was already sitting in the room with supposedly Hinata, tuning his violin without the help of the harpsichord or a tuner.

"Do you need me to play and 'A'?" she offered, already reaching for the keyboard.

Instead, he looked up at her, his cold pale eyes meeting her warm brown ones. A tingle went down her spine, but it didn't seem to be because of the cold not because she was intimidated.

"I have absolute pitch," he replied curtly before going back 'D'.

Tenten scoffed at his abruptness and his arrogance. Of course, he'd have perfect pitch. Who would expect?

Hinata gave a slight smile. She had the same eyes as Neji did. And last name, for that matter. "I'll take an 'A', please."

Tenten smiled at her, pressing the note so it rang out. She knew that Hinata easily could have listened to her cousin's note in reference to her own, but took the note anyhow.

Lee had taken out his viola as well, tuning his instrument. With the notes fresh in her mind, Tenten started as well.

When Gai and Kakashi burst in late, she was surprised by the similarities between the former and Lee. They really looked like father and son. More so than Neji and Hinata looked like siblings or cousins.

"I COULD HEAR YOUR YOUTHFUL TUNING ACROSS FROM THE ROOM! DO PLAY ME AND 'A', MISS—"

"Tenten," she said, her voice sounding like a squeak compared to his boisterous one.

Nonetheless, she let the note run through.

And when everyone was tuned, warmed up, and ready, they started. Just from the pure grace expressed on his violin, Tenten knew she was screwed. Neji Hyuga was too good, even with only a month of practice.

Exposition

The primary part of a sonata, the beginning, presenting the main motif, commonly repeated throughout. The key changes near the end of the section, preparing for the development.

Weirdly enough, after a few practices, Tenten met him again not at the church, but when she was performing on the street, greeting strangers as they walked by, pausing to talk after each song. So she finished her cover of Riptide and smiled at him.

"Hey," she said to him while answering the questions of a few admirers. However, his posture seemed to scare off the rest of her audience.

"You use your talent for this?" he scoffed.

Whatever was the opposite of a backhanded compliment was what he had done.

"I like talking to commoners," she replied. "Everyone should hear good music."

He raised an eyebrow, she began the next song. Tenten expected him to leave but he stuck through each one of her songs, even as she talked to the people who ignored him.

"Requests, anyone?" she shouted to her audience. They looked at him and she rolled her eyes, seeing that they didn't dare speak.

"An original," he provided.

Tenten's face reddened. Did he want to make fun of her or something? Shove his superior skills in front of her face? Make it obvious that he had better music than she?

"I don't have originals," she replied. The spring breeze seemed to bring a strangely gentle smile to his lips.

"A person like you has to have originals,"

"What is that supposed to mean?" she scoffed.

"Have you really never composed anything?" Neji inquired.

Tenten paused. Any musician playing as long as she had was bound to have written something, to have memorized something. She just didn't choose to make money off of them. "I've never played them for anyone."

"Play one for me,"

And somehow, the expression on his face convinced her.

"An original for Neji here," she announced. "I call this one, Spring."

A few cheers came from her audience.

Tenten rested her bow on the strings, her calloused fingers pressing down on the board. Everything tuned out until the first ring of the music drifted through the air. It was her own interpretation of spring. Tenten played the flowers blooming, the gentle breeze, and the birds singing. When she stopped, the tips in her case looked heavier and the look of admiration and fascination in his gaze made her breath batch.

Something was different between them after that.

—

"I didn't know you had a studio," Neji walked into the apartment, offering the homey nature of where her many students would learn from her when she wasn't practicing at charities or for the people on the street.

You don't know a lot of things about me.

"Yea, it gives me more privacy. And it separates work from home. An office, in a way."

He smiled. "Impressive that you can afford it in a place with such expensive rent."

Tenten looked at him to see if there was any suspicion on his face. There weren't any. "I have my ways."

Though her ways might be questionable.

"It's not like you'd have any trouble affording it."

He shrugged, slowly looked around, sitting at her keyboard. The score on the stand took his attention. His pale eyes skimmed through the music. Her music. She could see him playing silently in his head.

"You've added more to this," he held up the page, half littered in notes. Then he motioned the piano, making her blush. "May I?'

Tenten nodded, slowly sitting beside him on the bench, the way she would with her student. Yet usually she'd listen to her students play and judge them, but now she was listening to Neji play and he was judging her.

His fingers played the first motif, then continued, playing the simple melodies with usual grace, giving her music more of a solemn feel than playful. He went through what she had not yet composed for him and the way he brought something she had written herself to life made her fall for him just a little more.

Neji filled something that Tenten made with the life only he could give, the magic he seemed to bring with him.

"It's beautiful," he said, his baritone voice deep in admiration. While her voice was high like the violin they played, his was low like the cello. Tenten's heart stopped.

"You can have it when I complete it," she blurted without thinking. He turned to her, his expression unreadable other than the fact that he thought she was crazy. "I mean, you don't' have to, of course. I know the song is super simple and definitely nothing like Vivaldi or Beethoven—"

"You'd give it to me? Your song?"

She flushed. "Well, you'd have the original score and I'd have a photocopy to play but yea, I'd write it for you."

Her face turned so red she thought she had a fever.

Yet Neji just seemed flabbergasted. Every emotion usually masked until he played the violin was open for her to see. Surprise, confusion, captivation...though she understood the expression, she just didn't understand why.

"No one has written me a piece before," he admitted, a breath escaping from his lips. And the admiration of her music turned to the admiration of her. He looked something between wonderstruck and struck. Her heart pounded in her chest a few tempos faster.

"I—I can give you one of my scores as well," he said. "It's one of the pieces I've memorized for my next concert so I'm completely finished—"

"You don't have to," Tenten said quickly, eyes wide. "You don't owe me—"

"I'd like to," he insisted. "Should you wish to learn it one day."

"Without thinking, she took his face into her hands and pulled his jaw towards her. He was still. She could feel the shock on his frozen lips. But his surprise seemed to melt like the thawing mountain streams, growing trails of new life and magic that only music could describe.

And Tenten was slowly falling for the man who tasted of spring the more she kissed him.

—

She didn't know when or even how, but there was a point where playing the Vivaldi seemed more emotional than it was. Because now, though Neji's violin was still calling, he was calling for her. She'd answer, light as the birds, like a nature spirit. And though Hinata would answer the call, then Lee, it still felt like he was calling for her only.

There they were, six strings, making one song. And it truly felt like spring.

That evening, Neji and Tenten went back to her studio. He brought his violin. He played for her the music he was still perfecting. Tenten could barely breathe. The sweet sounds made her eyes flutter shut instantly. They played for her ears only. She believed, let herself believe that this song was for her. When he finished, there was a pause. There always was a pause at the end of a great performance.

Only when he lifted his bow from the strings, had he truly completed the song. She watched anxiously as he set the instrument down, turned to her and stared into her eyes. His pale gaze was strangely warm. She breathed slowly, he breathed over her, and their legs were a tangled mess. But their lips? Oh, what was going on between their lips was far from messy.

Tenten felt like she was on cloud nine. His kisses trailed to his neck and what was supposedly warm became heated and all she could do was cling onto his dress shirt with helpless whimpers. But he pulled back, to her dismay, and it was only the grin on his face that kept her from taking charge herself.

She slowly opened her phone and tapped, then handed it back to her.

"I want to take you on a date."

Tenten nearly passed out.

"Just before the charity recital," he added. "Wear what you'll perform in and bring your violin."

She nodded dumbly.

Neji kissed her on the cheek. "I'll see you then, Tenten."

After he left, she opened her phone and realized he had sent himself her real address.

All of the heat froze with a wave of fear.

—

The doorbell rang. Tenten adjusted her hair, makeup, threw her shade of lipstick into her purse in case the dinner messed it up. Or his lips.

Tenten threw makeup wipes in there just in case.

She opened the door and she had to keep herself from pouncing at him at the sight of how he looked in a perfectly tailored suit and somehow even neater hair. His tie probably cost her her her dress, shoes, and purse combined. There was a bouquet of flowers in his hand, not roses, but crocuses. Tenten didn't know a lot about flowers but she knew that crocuses were among the first flowers to bloom in spring.

As she stared at the thoughtfulness, it gave him a chance to look her apartment over. It looked normal, hopefully. He didn't point anything, in particular, out so she was in the clear.

"Shall we go?" he held his elbow out for her, which she took happily.

They walked out of her apartment, violins in their free hands.

—

The restaurant was fancy.

Tenten had feared these types of restaurants when she was younger because she knew it would be much too awkward to be enjoyable. Yet somehow, with the way he smiled and explained the French dishes to her, it didn't matter.

She cracked light jokes. They talked of their music, their lives, their dreams.

"You would have very popular concerts," he spoke.

"Yet I can't compare to you."

"I disagree," he said. "Your music is much more memorable than mine."

"I do not have the fluency that you play with, Neji."

"Will you consider being a composer?"

Tenten nodded. "I'll write you some music. You'll record them for me, make me famous."

He chuckled. "As you wish."

Her eyes widened. "Ooh, speaking of which, Lee and I got tickets to your next concert. We'll be listening very carefully for any mistakes."

"Thanks. You didn't have to."

"I would listen to your playing even had I not pursued you," she teased. "Lee would too."

Neji's expression changed. "With Lee—is there—I don't want to—if you and him—"

Tenten's eyes widened in surprise. "I've only known him since we came together for the Vivaldi. He's like a brother to me. You don't have anything to worry about."

He flushed slightly. "My apologies."

"You don't do this too often, do you?" she asked abruptly.

"Do what?"

"You don't do the dating thing a lot. You haven't had many girlfriends."

Neji stared down at his ridiculously expensive food. "It's easier for me that way. I can focus on my music."

"Then why date me?"

"Most of the time, dating distracts me. Yet you inspire me, Tenten."

Fuck, I love him.

She only smiled. "Why haven't you been inspired by the other girls?"

"I've never been as attached to them as I am with you."

And she could see every ounce of vulnerability he had like all of the snow melted under her. But she was worried about when it would burn.

Development

The second part of a Sonata, introducing new or varied motifs and begins in the key the exposition ended in.

The charity recital had brought in plenty of profit. Easily said, it had been their best performance. Tenten sat by Neji's side in the fluorescent lighting backstage, exclaiming opinions and admiring the way his face seemed all the more contoured, more like a god than man.

She held his hands, firm, calloused fingers on hi his right, softer ones on his left. She was subtle, only her quartet and harpsichord noticed. His pulse would quicken at certain actions. Tenten found that she liked discovering what those actions were.

Tenten was led into his car after the recital and he didn't put keys into the ignition, rather kissed her the moment she closed the door.

"You were driving me crazy backstage," he said between breaths.

"Really? Totally couldn't tell."

"You were."

"Looks like you're gonna have to sneak me backstage during your concert." she joked.

But alas, the moon started to grow tired of them making out in the car and she was yet to go home despite rather staying with him.

"I'm planning the date next time," she told him as they walked to her apartment, lingering because neither wanted to leave. His memory would still cling onto her, though it would never beat the real thing.

He was spring now. He used to be winter; cold, harsh, and thrilling, but she had melted into spring; warm, gentle, relaxing. She liked to think of herself as summer; hot, fierce, and playful, so she was able to do so. She liked to believe she was the only one to make the icy exterior thaw.

They reached the top of the steps to her apartment. She shoved her keys in her door, fumbling. And she looked back at him, let go of her unlocked doorknob, seeing his pale eyes staring at her so wondrously. They were darkened by the dim lighting and Tenten was filled with so much desire and amazement that she let the words at the tip of her tongue slip.

"I love you, Neji."

Tenten was afraid of his reaction so she quickly reached for the door again. Yet he grabbed her hand and pushed her wrists above her head. He attacked her with his mouth and fuck, spring was definitely summer now. She could only wrap her legs around his waist, accommodating his kisses by tilting her head and gasping for air.

Fireworks went off in her body. Symphonies played in her head. Even as he pulled away slightly, she could tell that he wanted to lean in again.

"Say it again," he breathed. She was amazed that he managed to get any words out.

"I—I love you,"

"Again,"

"I love you.

"Again."

"Aren't you going—"

"I love you, Tenten."

Her heart stopped. And it stopped again when he reached up to her cocktail dress and she realized where this was going.

"Wait—" her voice trailed off when he squeezed her bottom and sucked at her collarbone. "I—"

He opened the door and Tenten had to force herself away.

"Neji, I—"

But she was too late.

His pale eyes, previously filled with desire and lust were filled with confusion, slowly morphing into anger. In them, she could see the reflection of a warm light, the type that tried to imitate the sunshine but never worked, and a familiar silhouette.

"Tenten," though he was trying to stay calm, she could hear a slight quiver in his voice. "Who—"

The guy on the couch had obsidian hair and eyes. He seemed bored, a horror documentary playing on the television. In all, he didn't seem to care. "Who am I? I should be asking you, shouldn't I be? You're in my house, after all."

"You live here," Neji said, though it was quite obvious now.

Tenten wanted to hide in a corner. She was going to have a panic attack if this went—

"And you don't. Nice flowers you got for my girlfriend, by the way. I'm sure she appreciates it—"

"Sasuke—" she started, but Neji interrupted.

"My deepest apologies. I wasn't aware that Tenten had—"

"It is not your fault that she failed to inform you of her commitments."

But he was already out of the apartment.

She didn't even spare a look back at Sasuke, following after him with hasty steps.

"Neji!"

He didn't answer her. She called his name again and again yet he continued walking. He walked to his car, the door unlocking. With a burst of speed, she intercepted him from opening the door, biting her lip and holding back the tears she didn't deserve to have.

"Neji will you listen to me—"

"Why should I listen to you!" he shot, suddenly, face red, burned, scorched by her. His chest heaved up and down and though he feigned pure rage, it sounded more like pleading.

"So I can explain—"

"What can possibly explain you having a boyfriend already? I thought I was your boyfriend! What can you say that will excuse not telling me in any fucking circumstance?"

She was silent. Tenten didn't have an answer.

"Fuck," he said, voice breaking as if she had put her hand over the strings, stopping any further sound. "You said—you said you love me and I fucking believed you."

"I do love you!" she said. "I don't love Sasuke, I love you! I want you, Neji—"

"But how can I trust you!" tears started to roll down both their faces.

She shook and he pushed her away to the side roughly. Tenten didn't feel it. She could only feel regret and guilt and knew that she deserved it.

"I don't want to see you again. I don't want you in my life anymore," he said, voice too much calmer than before. He slammed the car door and drove away, not even looking at her through his rearview mirror.

And she broke down in the parking lot of her apartment building, feeling more helpless than she had ever been.

—

It wasn't like Tenten had ever loved Sasuke Uchiha. Not even a little bit. How could she have ever had an ounce of feeling other than platonic for him when that was the only way he felt for her too?

The thing was, she was his rebound friend with benefit. Two bad ideas in one. But bad ideas often outweighed each other and while friends with benefits often caught feelings and as did rebounds, being both made her even colder to him than she used to be.

Sasuke had just broken up with Sakura Haruno, a bassist under Kakashi, while he was a violist like Lee. They had known each other forever. They had loved each other for a little shorter. But Sakura wasn't someone he could just get over. Sex wouldn't change that but would sure distract.

He and Tenten took many of the same classes in university. Were they friends? Not really. But they often collaborated together and knew each other well enough. Around the same time he broke up with Sakura, she needed a studio for her students. So he let her live in his one-room apartment and in exchange, she became his girlfriend, which really just meant she was his sex buddy and warded off any other girls who wanted to be.

And it worked for her too. Like Neji, boyfriends distracted her. She didn't like falling for guys even though she knew she would cave under some of their charms. Sasuke warded them off for her as well. He wasn't bad in bed either. They only considered themself as actual friends when she was so drunk that she brought home a guy who wanted to take advantage of her in her own house, whom he nearly beat up.

Maybe it would have been easier to explain to him had she not slept with him since meeting Neji. Tenten really had done that. She felt dirty, a mistress, and Sasuke didn't know any better than to drive Neji off too. He had been right. Nothing could have possibly excused her actions because he deserved to know about Sasuke in a way better than what had happened, and he would have understood why she did what she did.

Tenten sulked around her house for a week. She emailed her students and said she was sick. She practiced the violin all day, playing the songs he had given her for hours on end.

That was when her "boyfriend" approached her.

"I think it's around time you and I broke up."

Tenten blinked, then saw he was sincere. She set down her instrument and he sat down on their bed, sighing.

"The past few weeks, you don't seem to want sex as much."

She nearly slapped him for his words but he held his pale hand out, stopping her.

"In the times we did have sex, you muttered someone else's name," he explained. "I couldn't figure out what you said. But now that I think about it, it was his. The man you brought home and cried for a week ago. I can tell you love him, the way I love Sakura. I don't want to get in the way between that."

Tenten didn't know what to say. She just stared at him. It was obvious that he still wasn't over his ex, but he had never admitted loving her out loud.

"I'll help you move out. I can loan you some money as well."

"But why? I'm the one who has been in the wrong. Why are you being so nice to me?"

He shrugged. "You were the only person who understood not wanting to talk about Sakura. And you've made me realize that I want her back."

She found herself calling Lee that day, explaining to him the mess she had gotten into. He offered her the empty room in his space.

Recapitulation

The repeat and slightly altered version of the exposition in a sonata. Usually consists of a transition to keep the tonic key so the section can conclude.

"TENTEN! DID YOU SERIOUSLY FORGET?"

It was the middle of the evening. What could she possibly forget? She was in her studio, writing music.

"Lee, what is it this time?" Tenten muttered, setting her score down as he walked in, wearing a green button-up and nice pants. His hair was neater. He looked like he was going on a date. Had he needed a ride for his date or something?

"The concert!" he shouted as if she was stupid. To be fair, she was.

"What concert?"

"NEJI'S CONCERT! NEJI'S CONCERT IS TODAY! WE HAVE TICKETS, REMEMBER?" he shoved a black dress into her hands. "GET READY."

Tenten's heart stopped. She hadn't seen him in weeks. She thought of him every day. She cried herself to sleep thinking of him. She thought of him in her sleep. "Why the fuck would I go to his concert?"

"Because even if you are in love with him, it doesn't excuse the fact that he has great music."

She could see very little resemblance between the two subjects.

"Oh, come on, Ten. Are you seriously going to miss it?"

She wasn't and he knew it. So she threw on the dress and joined him in the concert hall, blending in with hundreds among hundreds of other people, waiting in line just to see him play. Tenten didn't know what to expect.

The lights seemed to dim in what felt like years and he walked out onto the stage. Her breath caught painfully in her throat. It hadn't caught this way in so long.

He was the personification of elegance. His dark suit made him took tall, his hair drifting down his back in a low ponytail, his pale skin glowing in the spotlight. Tucked under his arm was his violin. Even though he was on the stage and she was far into the audience, she could still see those lilac eyes clearer than ever.

Neji took a spot at the center of the stage and closed his eyes, shifting as everything was so silent she could hear a pin drop. When he opened his eyes, music started to drift into the halls.

She recognized the music. She had listened to him play it over and over again, sometimes slowly, sometimes in different rhythms. She had played it over and over again, the music that he had given her the scores to. Upon hearing the sounds coming from his violin rather than hers, Tenten felt like she was going to burst because even though it was the same music, it sounded so different as he did.

And the whole concert was like that. She had to close her eyes and listen so she could be fully immersed in it. Tenten felt herself falling all over again. The music was sombre, cold, and distant. Yet she felt it all. She had been summer before and now she was turning into autumn. Everything was chilly. Shivers ran down her spine.

When he ended his last piece, it felt like no time had passed. Everyone was quiet. They could only breathe it in. Neji bowed, and she could only stand like the rest of them, clapping. He looked forwards and she felt like he was looking directly at her, but he wasn't. He only looked to a sea of faces, faces he couldn't even see, and she knew she was only imagining things. They cheered for an encore, even the staff cheered for an encore, and he slowly raised his hands, allowing them to quiet so he could perform.

Yet he spoke instead. She hadn't heard him speak this whole time until now.

"This piece was composed for me by someone dear to me. She calls it Spring."

Tenten clutched onto Lee's arm with terrifying strength. "Fuck, fuck, Lee, that's my—"

But the first note of her song filled the hall with a warmed feeling than all of his other songs. He was playing her song. He played to exceptionally beautifully, with all the emotions she had felt in her heart. She heard love, she heard spring, and she heard the beautiful thing they had developed in a heart wrenching way.

Tears slid out of her eyes as he finished and when she left, the talkative exclaims of how their favourite piece had been the encore at the end.

—

Hinata had given her his address so there she was, standing at Neji's apartment with only hope and a violin.

She rang his doorbell slowly, holding her breath as she heard his footsteps come closer.

The door opened and he met her eyes, holding her gaze for a solid second before slamming the door in her face.

"Neji Hyuga!" she screamed, tired, fed up, and terribly, terribly in love with him.

"Fuck off!"

She didn't think that such foul and ungraceful words would ever come out of his mouth. Yet Tenten had long predicted such an outcome would happen. So she sat her violin case on the opposite wall, then took out her tuner. She watched as the notes hit a whole tone below what the standard tuning was and started on the song.

Though it was awkward at first, she soon got the hang of it. The melody was the one he composed. Music in exchange for music. A song an audience had heard but only two knew to play. She mustered all the emotions she could into it. Tenten tried to play it as well as he did.

Her performance caught the attention of a few other residents of the building. Perhaps they were enchanted by the music, perhaps they were going to threaten Neji with another sound complaint. Yet they saw her, not him, playing differently, playing in the hall. They listened to her, reciting his music until his door opened once more.

Neji's eyes were brimmed red, he looked more tired than he had during his concert. She stopped playing at the sight of him and couldn't move her sore fingers. She saw his adam's apple bob and he bit his lip.

"You're out of tune," he whispered. Because of course even though her music had brought him to tears behind the door, he would only point out her purposeful mistake to flaunt his absolute pitch.

The people of the apartment watched in interest.

"It's driving you mad," she said, referring herself more than the instrument. Yet she tucked the violin under her arm, grabbing her case, and entering his apartment before he could drive her out yet again.

Neji leaned against the door after closing it, rubbing his temples. He didn't meet her gaze.

"I'm sorry for everything," she whispered, setting down her violin and touching his face lightly.

Neji leaned his head back further into the door, almost as if he wanted to escape her touch, but he tilted it and somehow his jaw fit even tighter into her hand.

"I won't make excuses. But I have never had feelings for Sasuke, only for you, and we broke up a couple of weeks ago. I still love you, Neji." Tenten inhaled sharply. "I know you love me too."

And he started to shake, trembling into her hand, clinging onto her.

"Will you give me another chance?"

Neji nodded.

She hadn't realized how badly she needed that. Relief flooded her veins and she kissed him, slowly, steadily, and never planned to let go.

Spring meant new beginnings, but most of the time it was just being revived again.

[talesofafangirlwithadvr]

AUGUST PICKS!

And we’re back with another month wrap up! August involved a lot of TV watching (as per usual), but I feel like I watched a lot of things I’ve already talked about before (ex: The 100, Violetta). So it was a little bit harder to feature some new titles. I felt accomplished this month because I finished quite a few series. So, without further ado...let’s do this!

Spoilers!! But you knew that already :) 

..

...

......

So I know I’ve spoken about some of these shows A LOT recently, but I still had to include them in this wrap up because they were a good amount of the month. (Even if they feel like they were so long ago.) 

CURSED

This book to screen adaptation on Netflix following Nimue (AKA the Lady of the Lake) re-invents the King Arthur myth. It was an entertaining and enjoyable watch that makes me hope there’s a second season. There were certain parts that bothered me and I wish some characters had more time on screen, but as someone who likes King Arthur and fantasy TV I’d recommend it. 3/5 for me. 

For more on my thoughts regarding the show check out my earlier post: **Spoilers** Featuring Cursed

DC’S STARGIRL

A show that I’ve often been documenting my reviews/feelings after watching each episode. (That’s how you can tell IT’S THAT GOOD.) While it was a bit slow in the beginning (mainly because of it having the quality of being on a streaming service-ending on a cliffhanger for you to binge the next episode immediately kind of feel), it picked up and has easily become one of my favorites for the year. (YEAH...I KNOW. I SAID YEAR.) You can check out my page for more specific reactions in my posts, but here are some of the moments that stick out to me the most when I think about season 1.  

I can’t wait for season 2!!

AVATAR THE LAST AIRBENDER

June doesn’t feel like that long ago, but because I started season 1 two months ago (and because of the world of quarantine) it feels like a long time ago. Especially when this show is only 18-20 episodes that are each about 20/25 minutes. For me, I enjoyed season 1, but not as much as seasons 2 and 3. I definitely watched the first season slower because of this. Once the Ba Sing Se plot happened I was very invested. I enjoyed most of Book 2 in the Earth Kingdom before this, but Ba Sing Se was definitely the best. I was so impressed that they put that into a kid show. Then again, there’s so much in this show that is well done and brings up such relevant issues to a younger audience. I loved following Aang, Katara and Sakka and enjoyed Toph’s addition to Team Avatar. Overall I think Uncle Iroh is my favorite character in the show. I loved all the wisdom he had and how he saw the best in Zuko the entire time. Their team up was great and I am so happy he got his tea shop in the end. His escape from prison was amazing. I love a good redemption arc and from the start was excited to see Prince Zuko’s (it’s one of the ‘spoilers’ I knew going in). I think it was really well done and I liked how they showed him struggling with it. The last agni kai between Zuko and Azula was such a beautiful scene and the music score behind it was so chilling. I love how they chose a slow, instrumental song to play in the background. It’s not what I was expecting and it was such an awesome choice. Overall, I really liked the music and have added it to my writing playlist. I’m really glad I decided to watch Avatar the Last Airbender. 

From one binged show starting in June to another....

VIOLETTA SEASON 2

It’s crazy; you don’t think 80 episodes would go by that fast, but they do. Once you hit episode 50, I just zip by the rest in the season. So many of the plots get SO GOOD, you can’t help but watch so many episodes back to back (to back). For season 2, episode 75 was one of my favorites for the whole season. I love how some of the cast actually got to go to Madrid. (Even the intro music changed when they were there.) Diego really grew on me. I loved the added plot of discovering who his dad is! Feels very telenovela. Gregorio’s reaction was priceless-such great acting-and I loved how much it has changed his character so far. I’m excited to see where he is headed for season 3. 

Leonetta forever! The reason they weren’t together was a bit weak, but I get they needed the love triangle. Overall the Leon/Violetta/Diego love triangle was a lot stronger than season 1′s (in my opinion). It felt better developed. I enjoyed a lot of the couples this season. Frederico and Ludi are a pair I didn’t know I wanted till it happened. Olga and Ramallo actually got a kiss!!! I loved hearing Ramallo talk about how Olga is the only woman in his life. So rare to see such emotions from him. Fran and Leon’s friendship was adorable. I loved their moments in Madrid. She was their #1 shipper. I know in the beginning I said there wasn’t a lot of music and performances, but as the season progressed we definitely got a lot of new songs (which I cannot stop singing). I miss my time at the Studio and hope the third season will be streaming on Disney Plus soon. I heard it could be September 18th so fingers crossed!! 

THE INBESTIGATORS

Filling the void that was left by Little Lunch (and produced by the same studio) is the InBESTigators! A show that follows 4 elementary students who live in Australia and solve mysteries. One of the things I really loved about Little Lunch was how serious they made really trivial, kid-like things sound. I have often described it as an Office-like children’s show, where they talk about their problems directly to the camera and give several ‘Jim’ stares and glances to the camera. With the InBESTigators it’s a similar set up where our four sleuths, Ezra, Maudie, Ava and Kyle, relay a mystery they solved directly to us the viewer, while we watch in flashback. All of the mysteries are typical things that could happen in school or home; from overwatering a neighbor’s prize-winning flowers, packages getting stolen, a lost notebook or catching a cheater during a test. All of the kids are entertaining and funny. They each have a different dynamic that brings something to the team. Currently two of the seasons are on Netflix, and there will be a third season (but who knows when it will be filmed-I’m just happy it will eventually happen). 

If you’re looking for a fun/light-hearted watch look no further. You’ll have a good time. 

UNITED WE FALL

This ABC sitcom fits well on the network and like it would be on Friday nights, but has a stronger day in airing thanks to the pandemic. I hadn’t really heard much about the show and then BAM it was advertised. It felt like the network had it in its back pocket. Nevertheless, I am really enjoying it. The actors have a nice dynamic and it is very funny and relatable. I like how it represents a family with two different cultural backgrounds, but doesn’t make that the main focus of the show. Instead it is discussed naturally. Overall, I don’t know how many people know about it, so I wanted to share it as one of my picks for the month and suggest you watch it if you are looking for something both funny and optimistic. 

DOUBLING DOWN WITH THE DERRICOS

I LOVE this family! As TLC is a network with predictable choices in TV shows, one about a family with multiples does not seem shocking. However, this is not your average family with multiples. At the start of the show, Karen and Deon have a total of 11 children (with only two of them being what they called ‘singletons’). They have twins, quints, and another set of twins (that would have been triplets). Her last three pregnancies were multiples and then she becomes pregnant with triplets. AGAIN! This family is considered a miracle because she had no IVF or anything like that for her conceptions. I love watching them because they seem like a great group to be apart of. They are what the epitome of family should be like. There is so much love. I know when my family watches the show we are all so impressed by how well behaved all of the kids are. People with half the amount of kids often have trouble teaching them to behave. I highly suggest giving the Derricos a watch. New episodes are now airing on TLC. 

SOME LAST MINUTE ADDS....

I know Ben Platt’s concert has been available on Netflix for a while now, but I just got the chance to watch it this month. It was SOOO GOOD and I was upset when it was over. It felt so fast! I had already added a lot of his songs to my playlists, and after watching added the last few I had missed. Now I’ve been listening non-stop. I loved how his concert welcomed us so much into his personal life. The added stories in-between songs helped to see why he created that specific one. Watching the concert was a fun time and something you should consider if you are feeling down during quarantine. 

Every Saturday night we try to watch a movie while we eat dinner. It’s become a new tradition since quarantine began and we were unable to go out to eat or to the movies. This week Jojo Rabbit was the pick. Going into the film, I didn’t know much expect, but that it was a comedy and I assumed a satire. What I didn’t expect was how dark of a turn it would take. It’s amazing how a film can have you laughing uncontrollably at the start and then have you crying at the end. This is definitely a film I could see analyzing in a film studies class. There was so much foreshadowing and moments where so much more was going on then what was shown on the surface. I think it did a great job making the viewer think not only about the time in which it was supposed to take place, but also our current world. I know it’s a good movie when it still has me thinking about it days later. I even did some research into it after watching. Definitely can understand the hype about it and will watch it again in the future. 

When I was putting this list together I was just starting to watch Umbrella Academy. I know, I’m late to the party, but with the newest season coming out this summer I knew it was now or never. (I just had to finish some of the other stuff I was watching first.) Currently, I only have 1 episode left in the first season and am really enjoying it. I was pretty good about spoilers going into it, so a lot of it was new to me. I made some theories on who I thought would be the cause of the apocalypse and so far I am right. I am very interested to see how this season ends and get into the next one because I heard that the majority of people liked that one more. I’ll have a more detailed review in my September Picks, I’m sure of it!  

[graemeruns]

Manchester marathon, and the journey to a PB

I think, by now, most people I know expect that I am going to run the London marathon each year, so a fair few that I talked to were surprised when I told them that I was actually going to run the Manchester marathon first, and then London three weeks later. To be fair, their surprise was not unjustified, as I entered Manchester as a late decision; I was already three weeks into my London marathon 18 week training plan when I had this major concern that the following four months of hard work could all end in disaster if the weather turned out as hot as it was last year at the end of April. With Manchester being at the beginning of April, it also fell nicely at the beginning of the school Easter break, so it didn't take long to decide to enter it and have a week away near Manchester at the same time with the family. My wife, Yasmin, set about the task of finding us somewhere to stay, and all I now needed to do was compress by 18 week plan into 15, and we had a target set.

I had decided to be even more aggressive with my training this year, base it on the 55-70 miles/week plan from Pzitzinger and Douglas' book "Advanced Marathoning", but with all rest days being recovery runs, and tweaking it using my own experience of how I like to train. Since Abingdon marathon in October last year, I had kept my mileage ticking over at around 40 miles/week, so was hoping that this base fitness would help me as I moved into my new marathon training plan. Two weeks before the plan started I increased my mileage to 47, then the following week 50, so that 60 miles in week 1 would not seem too much of a step upwards.

Loosely, my training plan went something like this:

Monday - 3-4 mile recovery run (8:45 - 9:00/mile pace). I really needed these runs to be as-slow-as-you-can go recovery otherwise they would be counter-productive. Tuesday - intervals or tempo (6:20/mile) - around 10 miles in total with warm up and cool down. These were sometimes moved to Wednesday if I was still feeling tired from the weekend, in which case they would be an easy 9- 10 miler (7:40 - 7:55/mile pace). Wednesday - medium long run, 15 - 17 miles, usually as a double run because just finding the time to run it in one go was too difficult. Sometimes these would be a workout and a recovery run later in the day if I had moved the workout from Tuesday. Thursday - easy run - around 10 miles. This is about 7:40 - 7:55/mile pace. Friday - 3-4 mile recovery (8:45 - 9:00 pace) Saturday - parkrun, of course, as fast as possible! I think I ran to and from nearly all of them to some get extra mileage in (usually 9 - 11 miles total). Sunday - Long run - 16 - 23 miles (7:40 - 8:15/mile pace). In all honestly, I didn't run as many 20+ mile runs as I'd have liked, as two of the Sundays were used for tune-up races. But I did do seven runs over 17 miles (the longest being 26 miles which was a bit too far!). My legs were also usually tired from the previous days' parkrun too, so running on tired legs was something I got used to, and I think is crucial for the latter parts of the marathon.

Lets look at the tune-up races:

Wokingham half marathon. This fell 9 weeks into in my calendar on 24th February. I wanted to have a go at my current half marathon PB (1:23:44) in this race, so I dropped the workout that week, cut back the mileage a little and rested the day before. The day was perfect, being cool and bright with only a little breeze. After a bit of a congested start, I was able to get into my rhythm and run consistently around 6:20/mile, which would get me a time under 1:23. My 5k splits were good: 19:42, 19:42, 19:48, 19:54, but slipping just a few seconds in the last 10k meant I crossed the line just short of my goal in 1:23:09. But I'd given it everything, so was content with the result. You can see my run on Strava here.

The Big Half. This race fell just 2 weeks after Wokingham. The previous Sunday my long run had accidentally ended up as 26 miles, and this meant I took a couple of days early in the week to recover, and what with running a steady parkrun on the Saturday as well, meant I was not that fresh for the race. The weather was cold, wet at the start, and very, very windy. Overall, it was a bit of a disaster really, as I queued so long for the loo I started too far back, which required a lot of weaving through slower runners, and while this probably didn't cost a huge chunk of time, the speeding up and slowing down was using an unnecessary amount of energy. I ended up running a negative split because of this, in 1:26:05, which was a bit disappointing, but deep down I knew I wasn't flat out and that this was closer to marathon pace than half marathon pace, so took that away as a positive. It had also given my potential marathon shoes a good outing, so the decision what to wear for the marathon had been made too. You can see my run on Strava here.

My training plan also includes some marathon paced runs. Always run on a Sunday on tired legs, these can be tough but honest workouts. Striders had arranged for a group of us to met at Kenley aerodrome for exactly this sort of training, so the 13.1 miles I ran there at marathon pace two weeks before Manchester was my final big effort. It ended up around 1:27:30, approximately 6:40/mile pace, and I felt fairly comfortable during the run. This was a good confidence boost for me, and gave me an indication of what to aim for on the day. A big thanks to my Striders mate Martin for being my running pal for that effort.

Fast-forward two weeks and I'm at the start line. We had booked accommodation in the lovely village of Old Glossop at the base of the Peak District. Travelling to the race start had been fairly easy - a 25 minute drive to Didsbury East where I parked and boarded the tram to Trafford Bar, the nearest tram stop to the start. The whole journey was just over an hour, and quite stress-free. I didn't hang about though: this year they were expecting around 20,000 people to run in the various races, and it was quite crowded, so I quickly dropped my bag off and made my way to the start line, which being the 'A' start, was also the furthest away; even so, I was in the pen with 15 minutes to go. The weather conditions were near perfect (8 degrees, overcast with a little breeze) and I was raring to go.

When I race marathons I like to plan my pacing based on 5 mile intervals. It's easy to remember just 4 split times, and an overall average time per kilometer (at this point I should apologise for mixing miles and kilometers, but I do tend to think in both when running). My intended splits were:

5 miles in 33 minutes and 10 miles 1:06 (average 4.06/km), 15 miles in 1:39:30 (average pace now falls slightly to 4:07/km due to natural slowing), 20 miles 2:13:00 (average pace now falls to 4:08/km) Which leaves just a 6.2 mile (or 10k) sprint to the finish, which I'd hope to cover in around 42 minutes, and will mean I have run a 2:55 marathon. That was the goal, though I really thought 2:56 - 2:57 was more likely.

At 9am on the dot we were off, and being so near the front I was across the line almost immediately. There's the usual overtaking, and being overtaken, that goes on in the first few kilometers as runners find their pace. I went through the first kilometer in 4 minutes dead. "Hmm, that's a bit fast", I thought, "but it's probably just because it's the first kilometer". I went through the second kilometer in 4:03: "Hmm, that's still a bit fast". The third kilometer took 4.01, then 4.03, then 3:56, passing 5k in a little over 20 minutes. I was in a real dilemma - the pace seemed far too fast, but I just didn't seem to be able to reel it in. It didn't actually feel that fast, and my heart rate was averaging around 142bpm, which is pretty low for me.

Kilometer 6: 3:59, kilometer 7: 4:04, kilometer 8: 4:00 - I went through 5 miles in a little over 32 minutes, much faster than intended. But I couldn't slow down - somehow I was being pulled along by the runners around me. So it was at that point I did something I've never done before: I threw away my pacing plan and decided to stick it out at this faster pace and see if I could hang on at the end. I'll either crash and burn, or run a very fast time.

The Manchester marathon route is pretty flat, although there are some long gentle inclines where you unexpectedly lose time, and the first time that happened (at kilometer 17 when I ran a 4:10) I immediately worried that this was where the slowing up starts, but then I ran 3:58 in the next kilometer, so equilibrium was maintained.

I passed half way in 1:25:55, much faster than intended (and quicker than the Big Half!). The simple maths said that I just had to run a 1:30 second half (4:14/km) to achieve my 2:55 goal. But I know marathons - they aren't that easy to predict.

Between 25 - 30k I was still running well, averaging about 4:09/km pace, and 20 miles came up in 2:11:40; I was over a minute up on my time. The 20 mile (32.2km) sign is my friend: it says “you’ve now completed the 20 mile 'warm-up', and it's just 10k to the finish, which you will run as fast as you possibly can”. But in the latter stages of a marathon it is never as simple as that: I was tired, and I had a lot of pain in my right foot*, which was worse on the inside camber of the road, so I tried to run in the middle of the road. This did help ease the pain a little, but in the grand scheme of things it was not a big issue, and it wouldn’t prevent me from getting to the finish line, which I’d like to see soon, please. (* It turned out to be an enormous blood blister on my 3rd toe).

Yasmin and Chloe had made the clever decision not to get up at 6:30am and travel to Manchester with me, but instead got the train into Manchester later and were going to be just past the 25 mile sign. It's amazing how much of a boost seeing someone familiar is, and just looking forward to that point in the route gives you something to focus on. After waving frantically at them and trying to smile, with 1 mile to go I just got my head down and headed for the finish - which is quite torturous because you can see the finish line from 500m away. It looked a long way!

With 200m to go I realised that I was closer to sub 2:54 than anything around 2:55, so found a sprint from somewhere but it wasn't quite enough. I crossed the line in 2:54:02, a 4 minute 25 sec PB. I had surpassed my expectations, and, to be honest, was a little shocked to have run quite that fast! You can see my run on Strava here.

A week later, and recovery has been slow. My racing flats did the job, but I attempted a run the Saturday after the marathon and my calves were still very tight and sore, so I will be giving them some more rest. I've enjoyed the break from running though, as it does take over my life in a big way when marathons are looming. For the 13 weeks proper training I did for the Manchester marathon (not including the 2 taper weeks), I averaged 63 miles/week, and there were 3 weeks in there where the mileage was reduced due to upcoming races and a niggle. But attaining a PB at half marathon and marathon at the age of 51, I am not complaining at all. I love running, and there were few runs or workouts I didn't enjoy. It was worth every moment I spent doing it, and you know what, I think I can go faster!

[hockeyandstuff91]

How did this happen? - Part 21

Word count: 4,433

Players: Tyler Seguin

Other people: None

Warnings: Cussing, Mentions of sex

Authors Note: YAY I finally finished another part! Woo! haha I hope you guys all enjoy it! Leave me some feedback? I work well off of it, and it helps keep me motivated knowing that you guys like the story! <3 Love you all!!!

Part 1   Part 2   Part 3    Part 4    Part 5    Part 6   Part 6.5     Part 7    Part 8   Part 9   Part 10    Part 11    Part 12   Part 13     Part 14     Part 15     Part 15.5     Part 16   Part 17    Part 18    Part 19    Part 20   Part 22

(Brooke’s POV)

I had just finished cooking dinner for me and Ty right before I fed the dogs. I called for Tyler when it was done, but I figured maybe he didn't hear me or was upstairs, since he still wasn't in here and it had been a few minutes. I took my apron off and hung it up where I usually kept it and walked down the hall towards the stairs.

"Ty?!" I called up them, wondering if he was up there.

"In my office babe!" I heard from behind me.

I turned around and walked down the hallway and into his office. I smiled, seeing him on his computer looking at more fishing stuff. I walked over to him, resting my head on his shoulder and looking at the screen.

"Whatcha doin' babe?" I asked, more of a rhetorical question being that it was pretty obvious what he was doing.

"Just looking at some fishing stuff. I wanna get in a few more trips before the season starts. First day of Camp was yesterday so I've only got a little more than a month left," He said, leaning back against the back rest of the chair, resting his head against mine.

"Fishing sounds nice," I mumbled and stood up. "Dinner is ready by the way," I smiled down at him.

"Oh good I'm starving," he said, standing up, putting his arm around me as we walked towards the kitchen. "So you would want to go fishing?" He asked, almost surprised.

"Yeah of course," I smiled at him. "You know that I use to go fishing all the time with my dad when I was little."

Tyler nodded and smiled as we walked into the kitchen. He breathed deeply through his nose and groaned softly. "That smells so good," he said, grabbing himself a plate off the counter and started to get himself some food.

"What if we went camping?"

"Camping?"

"Yeah! Make like a day and a half trip, just fish and cook on an open fire, star gaze, sleep outside somewhere. I haven't done that in so long. I miss it."

"Well we do have one more trip back home before the season starts, for a long weekend. We could go up to the cabin and do all of that."

"You mean you don't wanna go camping in a tent?"

"You do?" Tyler asked.

"Yeah why not?"

Tyler looked at me, one eyebrow raised, before laughing to himself a bit. "Sorry babe I always forget that you aren't like most of the girls that I have been with before. Actually you are like none of them, which is one of the reasons why I love you," He smiled at me, sitting on one of the bar stools at the island.

"Aww are you gonna get sappy on me babe?" I blushed a little, leaning closer to him and resting my hand on his cheek.

"Maybe a little," he muttered and kissed my lips.

"Mmm well.. lets save the sappy stuff for when we are laying under the stars yeah? Otherwise we both are going to get distracted and never set a plan for this," I laughed, climbing onto my own bar stool next to him.

He thought for a moment and nodded "Yeah good point. Okay so what is the plan anyways?" He asked as he took his first bite of dinner.

"Well we will bring a tent in the case that it rains but what about putting an air mattress in the back of the truck and sleeping under the stars somewhere?"

"Oh that's a good idea babe. Lets do it this weekend, I have nothing going on Sunday or Monday. We could leave Sunday afternoon and be back by dinner time Monday."

"Where would we go?"

"I have a place in mind," he said, continuing to eat his food.

"Ty are you gonna tell me where we are going or-"

"Its a surprise babe," he said, looking at the GPS on his phone as I continued to drive down the highway.

"Alright," I laughed.

We had spent all morning packing all of the stuff that we would need. My good friend Janelle had told me that she would love to watch the dogs while we went on our camping trip. Both Tyler and I had wanted to bring them at first, but we didn't want to keep them in the truck when we slept, plus it was only going to be for a day. We planned to bring them back to Toronto for the long weekend and stay at the cabin, so they wouldn't miss too much.

We had been driving for about an hour and a half or so before he finally told me to get off the highway. I hoped that meant we were getting close to where we were going to camp. There were a few streets we drove down before pulling off to a dirt road.

"Ahh what a truck is really made for!" I laughed, going slower over some of the bumps.

Tyler looked over at me, smiling big. I looked over and laughed softly. "What?" I asked.

"Nothing I just.. I love seeing you happy. And I love being the reason that you are happy."

"Well good because you always make me happy babe," I smiled as I continued down the dirt road before coming to a fork in the road. "Which way?"

"Left and then it'll be the second road on the right side," he answered, looking at his phone.

I followed his directions, pulling down the road which came right out to a beautiful cleared spot with a few picnic tables and a fire pit, right on the lake.

"Oh my god this is beautiful," I smiled at I pulled the truck into a good spot and parked it, turning it off.

Tyler leaned over, grabbing my face gently and turning it towards him, pressing his lips to mine. We kissed for a few moments before he slowly pulled away and started to get out of the truck, coming around to open my door for me.

"A buddy of mine owns part of the land out here. He has a few of these campsites and then a couple more up the road have cabins on them too, so if it rains tonight we can go up to one of those. This whole side is empty today and tomorrow so he said we don't have to worry about anyone else around us," he smiled, taking my hand as I stepped out of the truck.

"Babe!" I smiled and wrapped my arms around him once my feet hit the ground. "How did you do this such short notice?"

"Well they had this side of the campgrounds blocked off for the last couple weeks while they worked on clean up and fixing a few of the campsites up, as well as the cabins. So they hadn't been rented out for a little while anyways. He was planning to allow guests this weekend but said he wouldn't miss the money for this side, the other side is completely full so its all ours. Plus I may have given him a few free tickets to a couple games this year so.."

I laughed and rested my head on his chest for a moment. "You just continue to surprise me," I smiled up at him.

"Good I like to surprise you," he said as we started making our way towards the back of the truck.

I pulled down the tailgate and climbed up in, Tyler trying to help by putting his hands on my ass to help lift me up.

"Okay I know I'm short babe but that was totally just to touch my ass wasn't it?" I laughed, walking towards where we had the cooler tied down as well as a few other things.

"Whaaat? Noo not at all!" He smirked at me, all innocent like.

"Yeah suuure," I laughed. I unhooked the cooler and pushed it towards the tailgate for Ty to grab off the bed of the truck.

We finished unloading the back of the truck, pulling out the air mattress and rolling it out in the back of the truck. After it had been inflated I made the bed, putting a bunch of pillows on it.

"Tada," I smiled as I jumped off the back of the truck.

Tyler looked over and smiled "Good job babe it looks really comfortable," he said as he unloaded the back seat of the truck where he had packed his fishing poles.

I set up the camping chairs by the fire pit, tossing down some firewood into a pile nearby. I smiled over at Tyler who was sitting in one of the chairs, messing with his line, putting on a new hook.

I had turned towards the cooler to grab out a water when I heard Tyler behind me say "Here you go babe."

I turned around, seeing him holding out the new fishing pole he had just ordered, towards me. I raised my eyebrow and looked it over. "What?"

"Here. Don't you want to fish too?"

"But that's your new pole."

He shook his head. "You don't have one yet so I got this one for you. My other one is fine still."

"Ty-"

"Brooke.. We talked about this," he smiled and put the fishing pole in my hand, and turned to go grab his.

I sighed and didn't fight him on it. He was right, we had many very long discussions about the topic of him buying me things. I explained to him how it made me feel, and he explained, for the hundredth time, how it made him feel. Which was happy and excited to see my reaction. He said he wouldn't talk about it again, and I just needed to accept that he would buy me things, and there was nothing I could do about it.

He could be really sassy when he wanted to be.. which was a lot of the time, but that was fine by me because I would just give it right back to him.

I followed him down towards the lake and walked out on the dock with him. He finished setting up everything for the both of us, I insisted that I knew how to do it but he wanted to help, so I enjoyed watching how happy this made him.

We cast our lines a few times before anything happened, just enjoying the nice day. It was  a little hot, and Tyler had made me put on almost a half a bottle of sunscreen already, but the breeze off the lake made it really nice. Tyler was turned away, casting towards a group of rocks to our left when I felt a tug on my line.

"Oh!" I smiled and reeled a little, feeling a bit more of a tug.

Tyler turned towards me, immediately putting his pole down on the dock, coming towards me to assist.

"Ah," I started, putting my hand up. "I got it," I laughed.

Tyler chuckled and put his hands down, watching me. I continued to reel a bit more before I pulled back, hooking the fish. Then it was just a small battle for a half a minute before I finally pulled the fish over to the dock, leaning down to grab the line and pulling it out of the water.

"Good job babe!" Tyler smiled big as he pulled out his phone to take a picture.

I unhooked the fish, putting my pole down on the dock and stood back up, holding up the fish for the picture.

Tyler was beaming behind his phone as he took a couple pictures. Then he was typing something.. yup this was going on Instagram. I laughed and leaned back down, going to put the fish back into the water.

"Now its your turn," I smirked as I looked over at him.

"Oooh so its gonna be like that huh?" He smirked back, picking up his pole and casting out again.

I laughed "Oh you are too competitive babe," I teased as I rebated my hook. I felt my phone in my pocket go off, pulling it out I saw that it was a notification for a new post from Ty.

I opened it, seeing the picture of me holding up the fish with the caption reading "The catch of a lifetime, and the fish is pretty great too 😍"

I blushed a bit and smiled over at Tyler who was focused on his line at the moment. I liked the picture and added a comment saying "Love you babe 😍😍💜💜😘😘", hitting post before I put my phone back in my pocket.

I got closer to Tyler, leaning up and pressing a kiss to his cheek. "You're the best," I smiled as I cast out my line again, resting my head against his arm.

"Nah," He smiled and pressed a kiss to the top of my head "That's you babe," he said.

We continued to fish for another hour or so, Tyler catching a few fish, and of course I posted them all on my Instagram, and I caught one more myself. We made our way back up towards where everything was set up and Tyler took care of the fishing stuff while I started on making us dinner.

I had brought with us some steaks and burgers, a can of baked beans, and some macaroni salad that I had made before we left the house, as well as a bag of chips and some ‘smores stuff for later on. Tyler had packed another cooler with some drinks, mostly water but he did bring a few sodas and a small bottle of jack, knowing that was the only drink I really liked.

I grabbed some fire starter and kindling, making a little pile in the middle of the fire pit. I used the lighter to get it going, waiting for it to catch before I tossed on a few small sticks and then the bigger logs once it was going really good. I allowed it to burn for a few minutes to get some hot coals ready.

Tyler came back over, carrying the little metal grill that you put over the fire so that the steaks had something to rest on over the flames. I smiled at him as he sat next to me in our camping chairs, his hand reaching over to intertwine with mine.

"Good job on the fire babe," he said, his thumb rubbing against the back of my hand.

"Thanks babe," I smiled and lifting his hand up, kissing the back of it gently before I rested it back on the armrests of our chairs.

After letting the fire get going for a little while, and the two of us deciding on steaks for dinner and the burgers for tomorrow afternoon before we leave to go back home, I got up and started to prepare the food. I took the lid off of the can of baked beans and put it into the side of the fire pit on top of some hot coals. Tyler was helping me by grabbing the steaks out of the marinade they had been in for the last day and put them onto the grill that was sitting over the fire.

After a little while the steaks were cooked the way that both Ty and I liked them, and the beans were warmed up nice. I grabbed us a few plates and used the top of the drink cooler as a little table so I could cut the meat easier. I handed Tyler his plate and smiled as I heard him groan softly in approval.

"Babe this is somehow even better than when we have it at home," he said, his mouth half full.

I laughed and stood up, making my way back over to my chair and took a bite of my own. I nodded, agreeing with him. "Something about cooking over an open fire just makes things taste better, I dunno why," I laughed.

The two of us finished eating and then we spent a little while just relaxing in the chairs, watching the sunset. It was still a very warm night tonight, which was nice because I didn't have to pull out any blankets yet to curl up with, and the bugs weren't bad.

Tyler randomly stood up and went over to the truck. I looked over my shoulder wondering what he was looking for in the back seat. After a minute I was about to ask him what he was looking for but then he stood up straight, seeming to have found whatever it was. He stepped back from the side of the truck a little bit and grabbed onto the hem of his shirt, pulling it up and off, tossing it in ontop of his bag of clothes. I raised my eyebrow wondering what he was doing and then my eyes went wide as I watched him take off his shorts and boxers, kicking them off and tossing them into the truck.

"Uh babe..."

"Hmm?"

"Why uh.." I started to ask why exactly he was naked all of a sudden but then I realized what he was doing when he grabbed his swim trunks off the back seat and started to put them on. "Never mind," I laughed.

Tyler turned around and smirked at me "What did you think I just randomly decided to get naked?"

"Well-"

"Don't answer that," he laughed as he walked back over towards the fire where I was still sitting. "Let's go swimming," he said, grabbing my hand and pulling me up.

"Hey wait! If you get to change so do I," I laughed and walked back over to the truck, finding my bathing suit and changing into it.

I tried my best to ignore Tyler's whistles and muttered comments as I got changed, my face going bright red. I turned back around and walked back over to where he was standing by the fire. He was on his phone, doing something so I waited. All of a sudden there was music playing from a speaker that I hadn't even noticed he had set up earlier.

"Ty! What about the other camp sites?"

"Babe it's only like 9pm, plus my buddy said that we could play music if we wanted. Everyone who is staying at the lake is on the other side and wont be able to hear it anyways," he said, taking my hand and we made our way down to the water.

As I stepped into the water I realized that it was warm, which was very nice. The water felt good on my skin as we slowly made our way out, relaxing at about chest height in the water. Tyler wrapped his arms around me, pulling my head to his chest as he swayed back and forth slowly in the water.

I smiled up at him, standing on my tip toes to get a quick kiss before I rested my head back on his chest. I closed my eyes, enjoying being so close to him. I was excited for the season to start up again, knowing it would be much different thing time now that we were together, but I was going to miss little moments like this. I knew we would still have them but it would be less often since he was going to be so busy.

We stayed in the water what felt like forever, the moon coming up from behind the trees. It was a beautiful full moon, slightly orange, and bright. It lit up the whole campsite and the reflection on the water was beautiful. Eventually both Tyler and I silently agreed that it was time to get out of the water, making our way back to shore.

Tyler grabbed a couple towels out of the back of the truck. He quickly dried himself off, not handing me my own towel. It wasn't cold out but there was a slight breeze that caused me to shiver a bit when it hit my wet skin. Tyler turned around and wrapped me in a towel, picking me up and carrying me over to the fire.

"Tyler!" I squealed and laughed, gently wrapping my arms around his neck.

"I got you babe," he said softly as he sat down, resting me on his lap.

I smiled and leaned against him, resting my head on his shoulder as his hands gently moved up and down over the towel that was covering my body.

After a few minutes of just relaxing together, being mesmerized by the fire, I finally blinked a few times, pulling back to look up at him. "Did you want to do smores?"

Tyler gasped softly, his eyes going wide like a little kid. "Yes I haven't had one in so long," he smiled.

I giggled and stood up, making my way over towards the truck. I stripped my bathing suit off, grabbing a long t shirt, that was technically Tyler's but I had totally stolen to use as a sleep shirt, and put it on. I grabbed the box of gram crackers and bag of marshmallows, setting them on the closed cooler that was next to Tyler, to use as a table. He was currently trying to carve down the end of a stick to use to cook the marshmallows on with one of his fishing knives. I smiled and opened the food cooler and grabbed out the chocolate, making my way back over towards the fire and sat down in my chair, next to Tyler's.

I opened up the chocolate and got two smores ready while Tyler worked on cooking the marshmallows. Once he was done and we had put the smores all together I handed him his and grabbed mine off the plate, taking a bite.

"Mmm," we both said, laughing a bit.

"It's so good," he mumbled, his mouth half full.

"Mhmm," I nodded and continued to eat the rest of my smore.

After our smores were done we both made out way down towards the lake to rinse our hands off from the sticky mess that they were. We sat back at the fire for another hour, watching the moon slowly rise in the sky. It was nearing 10:30 when I started to yawn a bit and Tyler chuckled.

"Lets go get in that comfy bed that you made for us," he smiled and stood up, tossing some sand onto the fire to put it out and pulled the chairs away from the fire pit, just in case.

We walked over towards the back of the truck, Tyler jumping up into it first, holding his hand out to help me up. We both crawled onto the air mattress, pulling the covers back and cuddling under them. Once the covers were properly arranged I felt Tyler's arms come around me, pulling me close to him.

I laid there for a moment, listening to his heartbeat when I heard him start talking, his chest rumbling against my ear. I lifted my head up and looked up at him, smiling up at him. He reached up and brushed my hair out of my face, resting his hand on my cheek, just staring at me.

"What?" I asked, laughing a bit.

He shook his head. "Nothing," he smiled, rubbing my cheek with his thumb now. "I just like to look at you sometimes is all," he said softly.

I blushed lightly, looking down a bit, hoping he wouldn't notice.

"Babe?"

"Yeah?" I asked, looking back up at him, seeing how serious his face was, but still soft.

"I love you," he said.

"I love you too Ty," I smiled and leaned in, giving him a quick kiss.

"No I really love you Brooke."

"Yeah Ty I know," I laughed a bit, wondering why he was being so weird.

He shook his head "I haven't ever felt like this before. There has never been someone who makes me feel the way that you do. Whenever I'm around you I feel like nothing bad could happen, and even if something did it would be okay because you're there."

"Tyler.." I started to say something but he stopped me.

"You mean more to me than anything in the world."

"More than hockey?!" I teased.

"Yes babe," he said softly, his face still serious but soft.

I was kind of taken a back by that. I knew I meant a lot to him, and not that I thought he would put a sport before me, but it was his job and had been his life for ever.

"I wish I could find the words to explain to you everything that I feel. I just.. I never thought that I could love someone this much before. I was always the guy who thought he would be single for a long time, until my playing career was over, but now I could never imagine not being with you. No one in this world compares to you and I'm just glad that no one else got to you before I did. I also can't believe that I almost lost my chance, I'm sorry that I made you wait so long."

"Its okay Ty," I said softly, my eyes glossy with tears, happy tears.

He smiled and pulled me on top of him and pressed his lips to mine. "I love you, more than I can even express," he said softly.

"I love you too," I said, trying to keep my voice from cracking as he connected his lips to mine again, his hands grabbing my ass under the covers.

"wait a second.." I said, interrupting our kiss. "Are you just saying all this to get in my pants?" I smirked at him. I knew he was being 100% serious with me, but I had to tease him just a little bit, since that was what he loved to do to me all the time.

Tyler laughed "No babe. Its all real feelings. I just don't always express them well with words... Though it is working in my favor in more than one way though so why not go with it.." he smirked back, pulling me back down for another kiss.

His hands slowly made their way up the backs of my thighs, pushing the shirt up in the process, stopping on my ass. He pulled back from the kiss and smirked at me "No panties?"

"Tylerrrr," I laughed and pressed my lips back to his.

[scottrunsultras]

Never Summer 100k recap

Wow.  Where to begin?  I’ll start by saying that this was by far the hardest race that I’ve ever run.  I realize that I DNF’ed Leadville last year.  But if it wasn’t for my terrible hydration management, I have no doubt that I would have finished that.  Never Summer is at roughly the same altitude as Leadville, has the same amount of vert but crammed into only 2/3 of the distance, and is orders of magnitude more technical.  I wanted a challenge this year since I was still reeling a little from Leadville last summer.  Finishing the Javelina 100 was a nice little bounce-back.  But I wanted to prove to myself that I could handle a real, difficult, high mountain ultra.  This definitely qualified.

Despite all of the hand-wringing in previous blog posts about my dead quads, my legs felt pretty good.  The taper seemed to do exactly what I needed it to do.  Because I was super excited and energized and my body felt reasonably strong.  Though one thing that I really screwed up was sleep.  I’m a notoriously bad pre-race sleeper and I tell people all the time that I never sleep before races and it always turns out fine.  Well, I really tested that this year.  I think I slept very close to 0 minutes the night before this race.  I was camping out and had nothing to do.  So I was in bed by 8:00.  I felt pretty drowsy so I figured that maybe I’d actually sleep.  But everyone else was still awake.  So I dozed a little for maybe an hour - constantly being woken up by people and cars.  And after that, I didn’t sleep again.  At about 3:40, I got tired of laying there and got up.  I felt super energized, but that could only last for so long.  The good news is that I was able to rest my legs, but also keep them loose.  So I actually felt pretty good when the race started.  No heel soreness or quad issues.

The race started with a couple of easy miles and then a monster climb.  And I got a quick preview of what the rest of the race would be like.  Rocks everywhere and steep climbs and descents.  We’d climb to the top of a mountain and just come down the side of it.  No switchbacks here.  I maybe ran the very few easy sections a little harder than I should.  For some reason I can’t seem to convince myself that my standard pacing doesn’t apply at 10,000 feet.  At least not at the beginning.  So my legs were already beat by the mid teens.  But they came back leading into the Diamond aid station at mile 17 and I was able to get in a few good miles before the real fun started.

The Diamond Peak ascent is the crux of this race and the thing that everyone talks about.  Like Maiden Peak in the Waldo 100k and Hope Pass in the Leadville 100.  In all it’s a 2200 foot climb in 2.2 miles.  But it’s the final climb that was hard to comprehend.  Strava claims it was a 40% grade but that feels low.  It was a 600 foot climb in 1/3 of a mile directly up the side of the mountain - up to a max elevation of 11,900 feet.  It’s hard to describe how difficult it was - and it took forever.  But it’s definitely one of those moments that I won’t forget.

After summiting Diamond we ran along the ridge line over lesser peaks for about 3 miles, getting blasted with 60 mph winds and sideways hail - since it seems impossible to ever be on a ridge line in Colorado without catching bad weather.  Once off the ridge, running down a rugged jeep trail I spent a couple of miles talking to another runner about various races.  She had run this before and told me the last 20 miles suck because they’re boring and runnable.  It sounded great to me.  At that point it became a mantra of mine to just survive until mile 44 and then take advantage of the easier finish - hoping that it actually was an easier finish.  That made me a little less bummed out when I was struggling.

There was a 10 mile gap between aid stations starting at around mile 30 and that ended up being the hardest part of the race for me.  With the much hyped Diamond Peak ascent behind me, it became yet another super rocky and technical climb back up above the tree line.  I was really starting to feel the fatigue of not sleeping at this point and I was feeling the abuse of 30+ rocky miles on my feet.  I felt okay from a metabolic and strength standpoint and I wasn’t nauseous at all.  But physically the race had taken its toll and I started to mentally lose optimism.  I was well beyond hoping for a strong finish that I’d secretly hoped for (sub 17:00) and was starting to doubt my main goal of finishing before midnight (sub 18:30).  I wasn’t really able to run anything at this point.  I struggle on rocks to begin with and my feet were hurting enough to make me even worse.  To top off a brutal stretch, I got completely blasted by a thunderstorm a mile or so before the aid station in a completely exposed section of jeep road.

It was a 5 mile out and back to Clear Lake from the next aid station.  1600 feet up and then back down again.  I was feeling super negative at this point.  But I still had hope that the trail would magically get easier after this.  So I started digging into the bag of tricks (meds) to try to turn my race around.  I fear taking too much caffeine because I don’t want to burn myself up.  But at this point I was ready for the extra boost.  I also started taking advil for the low grade heel pain and feet full of blisters.  I got a little boost when at the top of Clear Lake, they told me I was #99 out of something like 340 starters.  At this point I thought I was in the back half, so that was cool.  By the time I got back down to the aid station, I was feeling better and I was ready for the easy part.

And it actually was easy.  At least the 6 miles to the next aid station was pretty easy and I ran (shambled/shuffled) almost all of it.  The trail smoothed out quite a bit, with very few rocks.  Though there was a lot of mud in places and several river crossings.  The mud in my shoes and socks really didn’t help my trashed feet.  But this was bliss compared to what I’d been running on.

I had these visions of cruising flattish, easy sections to the finish.  Those visions never really became a reality.  From 50 to 56 was a 900 foot climb and from 56 to 62 was a 1000 foot climb - this one back on semi-rugged terrain.  But I had found it in me to slow-jog basically all of the downhills and flats and slower-jog/power hike all of the ups.  I was averaging around 12:00-13:00 miles on the downs and flats and 14:00-16:00 on the gentle ups.  And the same-day finish started to look like it could be a reality again.  The last 2.2 miles actually was the flat cruising that I had hoped for.  I crossed the finish in 18:13:50.  Good for #87 of 341 starters (26th percentile).  

Again, super hard race.  But it was exactly what i wanted to prove to myself that I could do.  I DNFed Leadville last year because I couldn’t dial in my hydration and nutrition at high altitude.  I had that nailed.  Three ultras in a row finishing in the top 30%.  I feel like I’ve actually gotten better this year after 3 years of standing still or going backwards since the magical summer of 2014.  I’m still a mid-pack ultra runner, but now I’m becoming an upper-mid-pack ultra runner.  Also, a strong finish after historically falling apart at the end of races and having to walk in easy sections.  I came out of the North Fork 50 the first weekend in June with a plan of how I’d train for this race, and it seems to have worked very well.  I actually feel super satisfied with this.  Sure it would have been nice to go sub-18:00 or hit some other arbitrary mark.  But running very technical terrain is something that I’ve always struggled with and is made worse by my heel injuries.  So I think I hit my 2018 potential. 

So what’s next?  In 2 weeks I’m running the Steamboat Stinger trail marathon in Steamboat Springs.  The next weekend I’m pacing a friend in the Leadville 100.  Then 2 weeks after that I’m running the Grand Traverse from Crested Butte to Aspen.  The original plan was then to run the Javelina 100 again at the end of October.  But now I’m second guessing that.  I feel like I could have a nice improvement over last year and it’s a fun race.  But I have big plans for next year.  I’m definitely running Leadville again in August 2019 and the plan is to earn my first Hardrock 100 lottery ticket with the Bighorn 100 in June.  I’m thinking it may be a smarter idea to finish my 2018 ultra season in Aspen and get an early start on an off-season of heel rehab, getting faster, and cutting body fat.  I have at least a month to think about it.

[gobigorgohome2016]

Fitness Check: Tobacco Road Half Marathon

Race weekends are so weird. I will never understand how time can move so quickly, yet so slowly, in the span of 48 hours.  

Today I raced the Tobacco Road Half Marathon in Cary, North Carolina.  Everything about this weekend seemed to embody the dichotomy of fast and slow.  

I arrived in NC early Friday afternoon, around 11 AM.  I think this race was first on my radar because my teammate, Andie Cozzarelli, lives in Raleigh and mentioned it to me the last time she raced the Indy Monumental Marathon.  My main motivation for choosing races this year was to choose ones where I could win money.

In the past chasing cash has scared me, because I have been afraid of the gnawing anger / frustration / embarrassment / resentment when the race doesn’t go the way I had hoped, and I don’t win the money I had anticipated.  There is also a factor where trying to win money, and then losing it, makes it feel more real, and scary in a way.  Which is something I need to confront.  

Friday was a lot of fun. Andie and I went for a run, watched approximately 30,000 episodes of Friends, then went out to dinner at an Italian restaurant in downtown Raleigh.  I had possibly the best seafood risotto I have ever tasted, paired with a delicious red wine.  Afterwards we watched more Friends.  What I love about my Haute Volee teammates is that they have pretty seamlessly filled the gap that was left after college during racing weekends.  Whenever Andie and I are together we run, do a little bit of work, watch some tv, eat, and talk to the point of exhaustion – just like my college days with my roommates.

Saturday I joined Andie for the end of her long run, then we headed over to the cutest coffee shop I have ever seen for a volee meet up.  A friend of mine who I hadn’t seen since high school lives in Raleigh, and we got together for lunch at a Japanese restaurant.  I ordered pho, solely for the reason that this time last year I went out to dinner with the ZAP Fitness team in Jacksonville and ate pho before running a PR.  

After parting ways with my friend, I took an uber to my hotel.  One of very few perks of Dave traveling all the time is that he can hook me up with Mariott hotels when I am out of town.  I was able to have a suite with a kitchen.  By the time I checked in at 2 PM, I only had 3 hours before the expo closed and I had to pick up my packet (no race day packet pick up).  I still needed another short run, and the expo was 2.5 miles away, so I naturally ran there.  Except, there was no sidewalk.  So I ran on the shoulder of a super busy and scary road.  #fail

By the time I got back to my hotel, I was pretty exhausted.  Even though I had really done nothing in the past 24 hours, I also felt like I had done everything.   I still needed to find some groceries, because I had already eaten the pre-race breakfast I had packed.  #secondfail

Grocery stores were really far away, but, Instacart exists in Cary!  Many struggles and 45 minutes of indecision later, I finally place my order for 18 larabars (literally), yogurt, two blood oranges, a box of instant oatmeal, 3 bananas, a beer, a dark chocolate bar, two kombuchas, and a small carton of orange juice.  Why did I order 18 larabars?  Well, I either could choose to pay $10 for delivery, or reach a certain threshold for free delivery.  18 larabars it was.  

I watched Loyola upset Tennessee, then excitedly got ready for bed because I was SO TIRED.  I had no idea the race was at 7 AM, which meant a 4 AM wake up call.  I turned off the lights at 9, but then COULDN’T FALL ASLEEP.  Normally, sleeping the night before a race is not a problem for me.  I wasn’t even thinking about the race, I just couldn’t fall asleep once I turned out the lights.  First the room was too hot.  Then I had to switch around my pillows.  Then I had to go to the bathroom.  Then the room was too cold.  Then every single person who walked down the hallway sounded like an elephant.  Then I started my period and was having cramps (seriously, my last 10 of 14 races I have started my period within 24 hours of the race.  It’s bizarre).  I remember looking at the clock at 2 AM and thinking to myself, just get 90 minutes of sleep.  

Even though I didn’t get a good night’s rest, I woke up feeling pretty good.  I had my breakfast and watched MTV.  I’ve had to give up coffee before races because I don’t think it does anything for me.  Instead, I drink green tea.  I packed a hand-made tea bag of roasted green tea that I bought in San Francisco for my morning cuppa.  

My friend, Tim, picked me up at 5 AM to head over to the start.  You know what’s cool about racing competitively?  You accumulate friends all across the country who are willing to do things like drive out of their way to pick you up.  

The next part is pretty standard:  talk with your runner friends while waiting for the start, use the porta potty 30 times, run warm up, do drills, take off clothes, pee in the woods because the porta potty line is too long, do some strides, get nervous, gun goes off, fall into rhythm.

Funny story:  the Tobacco Road is a crushed gravel trail. Basically, this race weekend was the most type B weekend of my life.  I had no idea it was a trail race because I didn’t read the website.  Honestly, I probably wouldn’t have done the race had I realized, but fortunately “trail” meant a nice crushed limestone / hard-packed dirt, tree-lined path.  

The course elevation map looked hilly.  I thought the race was going to be hilly.  Then people told me, no!  the course if very fast and flat!  I have determined that when you have a race in your hometown, you decide it is either the hardest, hilliest race in the country, or the flattest and fastest. Well, this race was neither.  The first 2.5 miles (and subsequently the final 2.5 miles) were moderate rollers, while the middle miles on the tobacco trail were long, gradual inclines / declines.  There were a few areas that were more treacherous than others, but nothing worse than that random gravel path we had to run down at the Trials.  

My plan had been to start at 5:45 effort and make adjustments as necessary.  Fortunately we warmed up on the first mile of the course so I realized that 5:45 effort was going to be significantly slower, because of both the wind and the hill.  My first mile was ~5:52 (I think).  I had overheard eventual race winner talking on the line with someone and make plans to go for 73ish min.  My plan was to let her go, then reassess the situation at 4 miles and figure out what I needed to do to catch her.  Meanwhile, within the first mile it became apparent there was going to be a struggle for second.  A woman was right with me, and surging hard to try and drop me.  

photo cred:  Andie.  Taken ~2.5 mi into the race before the wheels fell off

A big goal of mine this year has been to compete more.  To be honest, I don’t love this situation.  I am very comfortable running alone.  I don’t love to do battle at the time (of course if I come out on top I’ll tell you otherwise).  So, every time she made a surge, I went with her and then put in a surge of my own.  I did this 4 or 5 times before dropping her for good, around the 6 mile mark. Splits that I remember:  3 miles, 17:30, 4 miles:  23:04; 5 miles:  28:50, 6.6 miles:  38:00. The way back was a death march of sorts. I’m not sure what happened. Certainly the way back had more long, gradual climbs, which are not as easy for me as steep hills (they never have been; I think it’s just the way my body is built and the fact that I grew up training in the dunes).  Also, I definitely thought the wind was in my face on the way out, but it turns out it was most certainly in my face after the turnaround (there was talk of a shifting wind conspiracy.  I would have to agree).  

Something I noticed during the race was that I was far less concerned about where I was on the course because my only goal in the short term was to stay in 2nd place. I knew that I was gaining on first, but I was also on the struggle bus myself.  There was a very real feeling at mile 8 of just get through 1k at a time.  

Final finishing time: 1:17:43.  

Am I happy with that? No.  To be honest, I am pretty disappointed.  But, I also realize I am incredibly fortunate to be able to say that a sub-78 minute half marathon is a “disappointment,” especially when I earned enough money to cover a student loan payment, a car payment, and a couple weeks of groceries.  It’s also a matter of perspective.  When I was training for my PR marathon, I ran a 5 mile road race 7 weeks before Twin Cities. I ran 28:45 and was beyond ecstatic with a new PR.  Today, I went through 5 miles in 28:50 and still had 8.1 miles to go.  7 weeks out from the trials I ran 1:17:19 on a course that was flat and didn’t have gravel.  To quote Brene Brown, the middle is messy, but that’s where the magic happens.  

I have had quite a few setbacks recently.  It’s hard to acknowledge setbacks, but also not allow them to let you feel like you’re spiraling out of control.   

My coach reminded me today that I strive way too hard for perfection, when all I have to be is good.

Regardless, I asked Coach Dean if I could set up an appointment with him this week, because I think a mental game tune-up never hurts.  

Even though I consider myself a highly Type A person, I did a whole lot of Type B things this weekend:

-have no idea I was running a trail race

-have no idea what time the trail race started (there was a point in time where I banned myself from running 7 AM races because it requires waking up at 4 AM…)

-wait to get my bib number until the last possible minute, then get stuck running down a highway

-forget to grab my gels when I went to the starting line

The great thing, though, is that none of this bothered me.  I think there was a point in time where I would have freaked the f*ck out if any one of these things happened, let alone all of them.  

So, what would I have done differently?  Absolutely nothing.  77:43 is where I’m at right now.  It’s not the worst place in the world to be, that’s for sure.  I wish I was faster, but all I can do about that is keep working and making the right investments into my training.  

[myneighborhood-thelake]

Half-Vineman Triathlon 1998

The Snapshot:

Swim: 34:37 reasonable time - I have been skipping Master's lately T1: 3:01 it took a little extra time to stash my wetsuit in the gear bag Bike: 2:39:25 Oh Yeah!  10 minutes faster than projected T2: 1:15 very nice, just as planned Run: 1:59:18 things fell apart here - more later

Total: 5:17:38 beat my 5:30 plan, but could have been faster

Important Items:

1.  Pacing on the run course is bull@#$% (which I will not delve into). 2.  Ibuprofen is a gift directly for [substitute your choice of diety here] (which I will delve into).

Pre-Race Bumped into Kevin Kennedy as he was exiting the 2:00pm pre-race meeting. We both wanted to drive the bike course.  Kevin felt that he would get a better idea of the course by navigating, I can understand a course better when I drive, so it worked perfectly.  Pre-driving the course was an excellent idea (great navigating Kevin).

Funny note:  as we were driving up Chalk Hill Road, we kept asking ourselves - "where is the hill."  After hearing so much about Chalk Hill we were expecting something similar to Mile 41 at Wildflower.  Chalk is not easy, but it is certainly no Mile 41.

I crashed with Albert Li at the Super 8.  Albert really believes in his morning coffee, and he was kind enough to bring me a cup too.  Thanks Albert.

THE SWIM:

As expected, I was a little slower than at Wildlfower and I had to work harder than I wanted to, but it is my fault for skipping my Master's workouts. Time: 34:37

T1

Right on target.  Because of the two transitions at Vineman, you must pack your gear in a marked bag that is transported to the finish.  My wife was unable to make the trip this time, or I would have paid her off to catch my wetsuit at the swim finish.  Packing a wet wetsuit into a plastic bag adds a minute to a normal transition.

Funny Note #2:  I pulled my helmet on and it felt very odd.  Yes, it was on backwards.  I rearranged my helmet and looked up to see a photographer snapping my picture from two feet away.  I will probably be in next year's program with a caption reading:

"Chin strap violations and wearing your helmet backwards will result in disqualification."

THE BIKE:

I had a very simple plan.  Please note that this plan made absolutely no sense to me about two months ago, but I swear that it works

"Hammer that flats and downhills, recuperate on the uphills."

As planned - I hammered every flat and downhill.  When I hit an uphill I sat up and spun (spinned, spurned?) my way to the top.  I noticed an interesting situation among the people who I was riding near.  Some guys would hammer the hills, even getting out of the saddle.  They would pass me by about +2mph on the way up.  When we hit the top of the hills they would be tired and use the descent to catch their breath.  Whereas I would feel pretty fresh at the atop, and on the downhills I would hit my big gears and fly.  They would rest and I would easily pass them with about a +10mph delta.

I held my HR at 170 for about 20+ miles.  After that I slipped back to a more reasonable HR of 160 for the rest of the ride.  I alternated Cytomax (my own) and water (aid stations) in my JetStream, and I ate a Gu every 25-30 minutes.  I admit - I let the tops to the Gu packs fly away in the breeze, but I remembered to stash the empty packets until the aid stations where I discarded them properly.  I think that I ate and drank very well - I never felt either full or low.

The infamous Chalk Hill was a welcome respite from the flats and rollers. I relaxed, geared down and concentrated on a steady uphill pace.  Several people passed me on the climb, BUT surprisingly I also passed a few people on the uphill.  At the crest as many people were gasping for air, I shifted into my big chainring and let fly.

After Chalk, it was downhill for several miles.  Fortunately I really hammered the downhill and I made up some serious time - catching most of the people who passed me on the climb.  Unfortunately the road was rough. I chose to stay aero and the road took its toll.  It felt like I was absorbing most of the bumps with my lower back - more about that later.

Finally the road smoothed out and I had a very nice hammer for the last few miles.  Although it is a little sadistic, it felt great to be side-by-side with some full-IM'ers as we reached the T-intersection.  At the intersection the 1/2 IM'ers go left to the transition area, and the full IM'ers go right for another loop of the bike course.  It felt great to know that the people beside me had another 6+ hours to go and I only had about 2...

T2

No big deal.  I followed the volunteers directions to my bike rack - I could not remember what landmark I had chosen to remember my spot when I had left my run stuff behind 5 hours ago.  I yelled at some guy to get off of my towel, (he was sitting on down on my towel to change his shoes, so I could not get to my stuff until he moved), stuffed some Gu into my singlet and started running.  Based on my overall time, I only had to run a 1:43 to break 5 hours.  I knew that I could hold 7:45's so I was pretty jazzed.

THE RUN:

I started slow and sipped at a water bottle of Cytomax that I had brought with me.  I hit mile 1 at 7:30.  Things were looking good - even going slow I had a great first mile.

Then things went to hell!!!

The muscles in my lower back (right side) decided that it was time to pay me back (pun intended) for the hammering they had suffered on the descent from Chalk Hill.  The muscles siezed up and were very, very painful. Running on flat ground was painful, the downhill sections were bearable and anything uphill was intolerable.  I asked for Ibuprofen at two aid stations, but they had none.  I stopped and stretched, but I could not loosen up my back.  I gave up on the chance of breaking 5 hours.  I kept trudging on.

I saw a teammate leaving the vineyard loop as I entered.  He had started 14 minutes prior to me.  When I got back to that spot I noted that I was actually ahead of him by two minutes.  The relevance of this information will be revealed later.

At another aid station a volunteer offered to run to her car and get me some ibuprofen.  I chose to wait because my back was really hurting, even standing to wait for my drugs was uncomfortable.  I inhaled 800mg of Vitamin I and hit the road.

I saw my buddy again as he was climbing the largest hill on the run course. A few long miles ago I had been 2 minutes up on him.  When I got back to the hill and started climbing it, I realized that I was now 14 minutes down.  The walking, stopping and extra energy that it had taken to run while my back was spasming had taken their toll on my run split.  Around mile six or seven the ibuprofen started to work, and I was finally able to pick up my pace.  Soon after I could run at a reasonable pace I committed a tactical error.

My original race plans called for a steady run with an HR of 165, but no greater than 170.  In an effort to make up some of the time that I had lost due to my back I pushed my run pace so that I was bordering on the edge of my AT.  On a few of the rises I pushed into anaerobic range.  The Vineman course is challenging and it did get warm.  The sun and rolling hills got to me.  At mile 12 I had to walk to get my HR under control.

I started running again and pushed it to the finish line crossing in the aforementioned 5:17:38 (by my watch).

LESSONS LEARNED

1.  Carry ibuprofen on the bike and the run 2.  Do not vary from my original race plan (if possible) 3.  I really do not like people who have someone pace them on the run.... 4.  I will wear socks on the run in Canada - my right instep has no skin at this time.

Cheers all - next stop IMC!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[db-best]

45 Training, Fueling, and Mind Hacks to Get You Through Your First Marathon - runnersworld.com

Hero ImagesGetty Images Running your first marathon can be intimidating. Between learning how many miles to log, what to eat, and what training routine works for you, there’s a lot to get down. On top of all that preparation that goes into it, the uncertainty of race day itself can be nerve-wracking, too. Don’t worry: All marathoners have been there. And as they’ve continued crossing races off their lists, they’ve developed a solid arsenal of tips that get them through each one. To help all first-timers out this marathon season, we asked readers in a Facebook post to share what they learned after running their first marathon—and what they wish they would’ve known leading up to the race. Here are 45 things to help you feel better prepared to toe the line for the first time and to finish strong. Advertisement - Continue Reading Below Focus on Fuel “That three egg McMuffins aren’t a good prerace meal.”—James Howe “Nutrition! I wish I had realized how important race nutrition is during the run. I bonked at mile 19 because I ran out of calories. Now I take a Hammer gel every 40 minutes.”—Ben Dilla “Refuse the chocolate candy along the way. BIG mistake eating it.”—Maiya Maiya I wish I had known to eat a light breakfast the morning of the marathon. I also wished I knew to began hydrating early during the marathon instead of waiting until I was thirsty at mile 19.”— Frankie Ybarbo “This is new territory (for most) and it’s going to hurt...like really bad. If the course you’re running offers pickle juice and your legs are cramping...DRINK THE PICKLE JUICE.”—Megan Shilling Cross-Train “I wish that I had prioritized weight resistance training a little higher as a cross-training activity.”—Patrick Williams “How much a difference cross-training can make !! Adding a swim and bike or two.”—Richard Adrian “Strength work is even more important than the runs. It’s going to be hard. Really hard. And you will want to quit. That is normal. Running 26.1 miles is not normal. It will be super hard on your body.” —Dee Swartz Put in the Distance “My race performance went up when I started focusing on the quality of the 16 and 18 mile runs.”—Stephanie Petersen “I wish I knew that I was supposed to run at least one 22-26 mile training run. The most I ever ran in my training was 13 miles. I still managed to finish my first and only marathon in 4:58. First half was 2:15, second half was nearly 2:43. What powered me through the last four miles were the sugar wafer cookies that the Marines handed out in the Pentagon parking lot. I ran the Marine Corps Marathon in 2001 one month after 9/11.”—Barbara Henderson Parks “Training involves more than the runs—it’s stretching, icing, strength-training, yoga, fueling and rest!!”—Stephanie Zeka Mallory “Lay a foundation of miles, core and strength training down. Then begin training for the marathon. Hit the gels before you feel fatigued, everything after mile 20 is mind over matter. Be ready for the pain. Beer tastes even more amazing at the finish line.” Jay Mooney Know Your Gear “Footwear! Invest in a great shoe and replace at an appropriate time.”—Gina Bolanos Saunders LPC “Don’t try or wear ANYTHING new on race day—my biggest injury was a huge blister from a fancy new belt!”—Fiona Leigh “Never, ever, under no circumstances wear shoes that are not at least a half-size bigger than ‘snug fit.’”—Anders Thelemyr “The importance of the right socks. I might have not lost three toenails.” —Rebecca Bentley Poire Trust Yourself “I was so nervous about not finishing and hitting the dreaded wall. When it never came, I realized how much mental energy I wasted worrying about it throughout the race. I spent too much time not trusting the process and not truly believing in myself after training and preparing for the miles. Big mistake. Next time I am going all in mentally and physically and plan to enjoy the hell out of it! 2020 NYC!” —Anna Diolosa “I was well prepared for my first marathon. I knew what to expect pretty much at every point in the race. And despite all that, I was still surprised at every step right until the finish. A marathon is like parenting, no amount of preparation truly prepares you.” —Sam Reynolds “Focus more on your body and how your runs feel during training rather than sticking so strictly to a plan. I trained way harder for my first marathon than I did for my second and I PR’ed my second by almost 20 minutes. Listen to your body and ENJOY the race.”—Andy Decker Recovery Is Key “Take recovery after the marathon seriously. I struggled with postmarathon blues and probably started back up with training too soon. I ended up with IT band pain,”—Jennifer Stephens “Not to commit to my wife that I would help lay 10 pallets of sod when I got home.”—Jim Peterman “I should have eaten more in the few days after. I felt great muscle and joint health wise, but struggled with some major fatigue.”—Holly Bergum “I wish I hadn’t taken such a long recovery and maintained a type of ‘marathon maintenance’ running routine. I was in the best running shape of my life training for 26. After, I slipped back into half/10K level.” —Jennifer Spark You Might Feel Down After “I wish I would have known how depressed I would feel after an amazing marathon. It was weird, I was completely happy after my first marathon and then got depressed in the weeks after. Maybe because I wasn’t running as much as I recovered.” —Jabber Jawz “That postrace depression is real. Google ‘posthike depression’ for info.” —Mel Wittmaack “When I was preparing for my first marathon, I was pretty psyched/stressed out and thought I’d so happy once this whole thing was over. I remember reading in Higdon’s book about postmarathon blues. I thought NO WAY. After an awesome experience running the race I was surprised by how ‘blah’ I felt for weeks afterwards. It wasn’t exactly depression, but it was kind of an emptiness. It was like a void, or a blank place where there was once all this focus, energy, thought, etc. And now it’s done. It’s not devastating, but I was definitely surprised.” —Geoff Haas Run With Friends “Take advantage of running groups if they’re available near you! I’ve been running solo for years out of intimidation and finally joined one this year in time for my second marathon. It’s only been a month or less since I joined, and the motivation and support have given me huge boost in my training and overall attitude about it. There are a lot of different groups for what runners might be looking for, so you don’t always have to be a certain pace or experience level to join.” —Kayla Giacin “I wish I would have done it with a friend. Some of the marathon miles got pretty lonely that first race. Now I always race (not always train) with a buddy or join a pace group.”— Hollie Reina Find Your Pace “The importance of pacing, especially the first half, so you won’t spend the last three miles walking and asking yourself, ‘Why did I do this?’”—Craig Sheppert “Ditch the pace device on race day, go by feel, and trust it! I start with a pace that feels slower than I want to run.”—Kim Ehrlich Geisler “Be fast at the end, not the beginning.”—Per Hel “It’s okay to walk.”—Catherine Hiles “Good pacers are angels on earth.” —Jenny Schweinert “Pace, pace, pace...pay attention to your pace.”—Kelly Bloom Barbieri Give Yourself a Break “I wish I knew how to be easier on myself for a missed workout or a bad training run. It’s what I tell everyone training for their first that the schedule is simply a ‘guide.’ That guide doesn’t know what’s happening in your life or at work that particular day. It’s such a long commitment, there’s no reason to fight yourself along the way.”—Will Wilson “It’s okay to focus on YOU. It’s okay to be, dare I say, selfish. There are going to be many times where you have to put your training first, whether it be passing on a night out with your friends because you have an early morning long run or missing brunch because you’re out running. If your friends and family support you like I’m sure they do, it’s all going to be okay.”—Lisa Christine “I wish I had a coping strategy for when things got tough. I hit the wall big time at 35K in the Edinburgh marathon and just fell to pieces physically, but totally lost it mentally. Last 7K took an hour, and because I’d missed my target time, I forgot about what I’d actually achieved in getting to the starting line and then finishing a marathon.”—Paul Stewart Mind Over Matter “Bad runs are the best mental training. Remember how it feels and how you pushed through it. It will give you so much confidence when you hit mile 24 and you already have experienced gritting your teeth and getting the job done. I am always weirdly pleased when a run doesn’t go to plan, as I think it prepares me much better for races which will always throw a curveball at you.” —Debs Thorne “Marathons start at mile 20. And the mindset and mental toughness required to complete one is equally or more important than the physical preparation is.”—Nick Malfitano “Enjoy the whole distance. The starting line is exploding with excitement, anticipation, and nerves. The finish is thrilling and exhilarating. Unless you’re in it to win it, say ‘hi’ to people along the way. Cheer each other on. Say something nice to a volunteer. It’s an amazing experience; help make it one.”—Maranatha Poirier You’ll Love It “I wish I had known just how awesome it is, before I was 37.”—Dwayne Steele “I ran my first marathon 2.5 weeks ago and it was one of the best things I’ve ever done. I wish I had known how amazing the whole experience (training all the way to race day) would be. Also, how addicting it is! Already want to run another.”—Niki Neumann “I wish I’d have known how much joy comes with running with a bunch of strangers of all shapes and sizes who set their fears and doubts aside and who encourage one another like only family and close friends normally do. If I could have known that I’d be brought to tears seeing grandfathers running hand-in-hand with their grandchildren, runners fearlessly and selflessly pushing for 26.2 miles the wheelchairs of their mobility-challenged friends, and family and rows-deep bystanders cheering the field on to the final runner, I would have started running marathons way sooner in my life.” —Casey Jones “I wish that I would have known how amazing it was to cross the finish line. Life-changing feeling that can never be taken away.” —Debbie Armstrong “The finish line feels even more amazing than you imagined. Enjoy it, because every marathon finish is awesome, but the first 26.2 feels the best.”—Michael Mahan Lawlor Jordan Smith Digital Editor Her love of all things outdoors came from growing up in the Black Hills of South Dakota, and her passion for running was sparked by local elementary school cross-country meets. Advertisement - Continue Reading Below Read the full article

[topimagines]

Perfect Only Last So Long- Tyler Joseph Part Six

You were surprised at how fast the first 2 weeks went. You were really busy in school and your parents kept you busy with chores. It was nights that where the hardest. You wanted Tyler to sneak in through your window like he use to, but he never did. You guys text when you can, but your parents constantly take your phone. At night you weren’t allowed to have your phone and that meant you were left to your thoughts, back to that same place you were in 18 months ago before you met Tyler. It was about a week later when it really hit you that you haven’t talked to Tyler in about 3 days. “Honey are you okay?” your mom’s voice asked opening the door to your dark room. You were curled up in a ball in tears facing the wall. You didn’t want to talk to her. She wasn’t willing to listen and you didn’t want to explain to someone who really doesn’t care. “Here’s your phone Y/N. Kaylee has been texting you, I think she’s concerned about where you’ve been. Maybe it would be good if you reach out to her. She can sleepover tonight, but only tonight.” you mom left you phone on your bed then left. You waited a minute before reaching for your phone. You went to your contacts and searched for Tyler’s number but it wasn’t there. You dialed his number but it didn’t go anywhere. They must have blocked his number totally. You tried to text him but nothing worked. All your communication to Tyler was blocked. Not wanting to be alone you called your friend Kaylee who was there next to you in an instant. You were so glad you had a shoulder to cry on. Someone who really cared about you and would listen to every word you said. Although you wished it was Tyler, Kaylee was definitely your second choice. You ended up crying yourself to sleep on her shoulder, but she didn’t mind. She said she would be there to help you with anything and she was. The next morning you woke up and in a rush you bolted to the bathroom. You gripped the toilet bowl as you emptied your stomach of anything that was left from the night before. This was the 3rd day you had done this and you were starting to get really nervous as to why. You knew why, but you didn’t want to believe the possibility. “Hey Y/N are you good?” Kaylee asked rubbing your back. “Yeah, but no. I’m scared Kaylee.” you cried. “Shh Y/N. it’ll be okay. Why are you scared?” she asked trying to sooth you. “Can you go to the store for me?” you asked and she nodded. “For what?” She asked standing helping you up. “I think I’m pregnant.” you said and her jaw dropped. “Oh my god Y/N.” she said shocked. “I’ll go. I’ll be back in a little bit. You need to relax, you probably aren’t and you don’t want to bring this to the attention of your parents.” she said leaving the bathroom. You stayed in the bathroom and stared at the ground waiting for her to come back with your mind racing. What will happen if you really are pregnant? What will Tyler think? He’s definitely going to leave you over this. Why did you have to be so stupid? You’re only 17, you can’t take care of a baby? By the time Kaylee got back you were just ready to get this over with. You peed on the stick and put it down on the sink. After the timer went off you and Kaylee looked at each other. “Here goes my life.” you mumbled to yourself and forcing yourself to look down at the stick. There was no denying that you were pregnant anymore. Your vision went blurry and the next few days were a fog. “Hey mom can I talk to you?” you asked your voice already cracking. “Of course honey.” she said and you sat down next to her on the couch. You waited a minute taking a few deep breathes before speaking. “Umm, so, I-” you were stutter over your words fearing her reaction. “Spit it out Y/N. you’re making me nervous.” she said and you looked to the ground. “I’m pregnant.” you blurted out. “Excuse me?” “I’m pregnant.” you said again slower this time. “I was hoping I heard that wrong.” she mumbled to herself. “So do you know what you’re going to do about it?“she asked. "Yeah, I’m going to keep it.” You said. It was probably going to be the only thing you had left of Tyler. “It was a one night stand Y/N. I can’t let you do this. You have such a future ahead of you.” “What do you mean a one night stand. I’ve been dating Tyler for over a year and a half. I’m not throwing my life away.” you yelled as tears threatened to fall from your eyes. You were angry. Not only did you just find out that you’re about to be a mother at 17 but you’re mom was unaccepting of it. “Yes you are and not only are you ruining your life. Tyler won’t be there for you and this kid will be raised without a father.” she yelled back. “No, no Tyler will stay I know he will.” you said unsure of what you just said. Your mom was probably right, he was going to leave you. “Honey, i’m asking you to think this through. You’re 17, nowhere ready to having a baby. You need to think of what you want your future to look like. Happy with a job, a college degree, meeting your future husband. Or miserable, alone, stuck with a baby.” “No.” you said and she looked at you confused. “No, that’s not what my future will look like. My future will be me, Tyler, this baby, and not you. You can’t even hear out what I want, then I don’t want you around me. “ you said standing from the couch and going out the door. You were glad you had your car keys in your pocket, because you were leaving. You needed to see Tyler, tell him what’s going on, and ask him what he wants. On your drive over to Tyler’s all you could think of is how he’s going to break up with you or tell you to get rid of the baby. No way he wanted to be a father. He was only 20 years old and he wants to be a singer. A baby is just going to destroy this whole thing. You couldn’t do that to him. He deserves so much better than you. He deserves someone that won’t fuck his entire life up. You made the decision to turn around before you could even go to Tyler’s, not wanting for your heart to be broken. Not yet at least. When you pulled up to your house you saw your dad’s car in the driveway. You silently cursed yourself, knowing how pissed and disappointed he was going to be. “I don’t think she should keep it either honey, but it’s her decision in the end. I think if she’s going to keep it then we should send her away. To my sister’s in California. I think it would be good for her. She’s been through a lot with depression and all and I think getting her out of dreary Ohio will be good for her. I say she goes and finished high school online, then when she’s ready she should go to college.” you heard your dad’s voice as you quietly walked through the door. This was all too much for you. You went upstairs and hid your face in a pillow as you cried. They were going to just send you away. Their only child, only daughter they were just going to ship away because you wanted to keep your child. You heard your door open and saw your dad walk in and sit next to you on your bed rubbing your back. “Don’t cry Y/N. I know it’s awful and you have a lot to think about, but listen to me.” said your dad. He was always easier to talk to. Things were calmer with him. “We love you, but we think if you are going to keep this baby, then it’s best if you go live with your aunt.” he said then continued to tell you things you already heard when you walked in. “do you understand where we’re coming from?” he asked, and you did. Not for the reason that they thought, but because you didn’t want to ruin Tyler’s life. “I understand and I think I’ll take the offer.” you said. You didn’t want to ruin Tyler’s life and the more you thought about it the better your parents plan sounded. How could you ruin someone’s life from the other side of the country. This was for Tyler, not for you, for Tyler. You were going to give up your life for a new one and stay away from Tyler. He deserves better than you, but he also deserves some sort of explanation.

[ironmanplus5]

Ironman Lake Placid Triathlon 2019 - A Great Ironman Experience and Fantastic Family Vacation

I competed in and successfully finished the Lake Placid Ironman Triathlon on Sunday, July 28, 2019, my 9th Ironman Triathlon and 8th Ironman Lake Placid.

I have the best support crew in Jenene, Lizzie(14- just turned 15), Angelina(13), Brady(10 1/2), and Juliana(8 1/2).  They all had matching yellow Ironman shirts on that Jenene had made for the family.  During the race, they cheered me on 11 times from the start to the finish.  The swim, bike and run all consist of 2 loops and each run loop has an 11 mile loop and a 2 mile loop, so the course is very spectator friendly.  I was motivated and inspired to see my family each time, especially when finishing the Ironman.

Each part of the Ironman course in Lake Placid consists of 2 loops: the 2.4 mile swim is two 1.2 mile clockwise loops in Mirror Lake, the 112 mile bike is two 56 mile loops through the Adirondack Mountains and the 26.2 mile marathon run is two 13.1 mile loops - each consisting of 2 out and back loops, an 11 mile loop and a 2 mile loop along Mirror Lake.  Transition and the finish are at the Olympic Speed Skating Oval.

We stayed at the Golden Arrow Lakeside Resort for the 7th time. It is our favorite place and the absolute best place to stay in Lake Placid. Upon arrival, we were greeted with a spectacular suite called the Panther Suite on the 5th floor with spectacular views of Mirror Lake and the Adirondack Mountains.  And we looked directly at the Ironman swim course.

My goal was to qualify for the Hawaii Ironman Triathlon World Championship in Kona, Hawaii to be held on October 14.  My time goal was to break 10 hours or be in the low 10:00s.  Before the race I expected there would be about 4 Kona slots available in my age group(45-49), the largest age group with over 300 competitors.  Sometimes people don’t take a qualifying spot, so places below would have a chance to qualify also.  Every age group gets at least 1 slot, and the number is based upon how many people are in the age group.  40 Kona slots were available in the Ironman.  After missing by 2 places and under 4 minutes in 2017, I was eager to race here again.

On race day we were greeted with great weather.  The temperature of Mirror Lake was 73.8 degrees so it was a wetsuit legal swim.  

After going to transition on race morning before 5:00 am to get my body marked with my race number and age and do final preparations with my bike and transition bags, I returned to my room to get my wetsuit on and head to the swim start.  I was greeted by my family who were excited about the big day.

I felt great the morning of the race and was confident I would have a great race and achieve my goal.  I felt so strong in the days leading up to the race and my had excellent training this year.

I arrived at the swim start at around 6:15 am. The pro men started at 6:30 am.  The rest of the field of about 2,400 started at 6:40 with a rolling start that takes about 20 minutes for everyone to enter the water.  I started at 6:41. I felt good when I started the swim. The swim started well and I swam most of the two loops seeing the rope below the water that goes in a straight line throughout the course.  When I looked at my watch half way, I was disappointed to see that my first 1.2 mile swim loop was in the mid 37:00s.  After finishing the loop the first time, athletes run out of the water to the other side of the beach and swim a 2nd loop. I felt that my timing chip got loose and was no longer tucked under my wetsuit by my calf. I had to stop and fix it when I started the 2nd loop. I felt pretty good and kept the same pace for the first half but unfortunately lost 4 minutes and finished the 2nd loop in about 42:00 for a swim time of 1:19.  Very disappointing to be 5 minutes slower than last time at Lake Placid in 2017 and 10 minutes slower than my best Ironman swim time and goal for this year’s swim.  I wasn’t deterred because I knew that I was still in good position because I could make up the time on the bike and run.

I saw my family cheering for me as I ran through transition.  My swim to bike transition was good with a time of 5:01.

The bike started great.  My family cheered me as I sped down the hill at the start.  I felt strong on the bike and kept passing people. I was on goal pace through 40 miles. The only snag early on was when my bike computer stopped working, I tried to adjust it at my front wheel and it broke off and flew across the rode. After about 40 miles I started to slow some and didn’t feel as good.  I lost about 12 minutes during these last 16 miles and finished the first 56 mile loop in 2:52, 12 minutes off my goal and 12 minutes off what I usually ride for the first loop. I saw my family cheering wildly as I made the left turn onto Main Street at the end of the first loop.

The 2nd loop did not go well.  After 60 miles and a bathroom break I slowed up and felt lousy. I felt weak, my lower back was in bad pain and my stomach hurt. I took 4 Ibuprofen which helped with the back pain. I never gave up and kept pushing but I was riding so slow. Finally after my 3rd bathroom stop at mile 106, I felt better the last 6 miles.  It was probably from the excitement of finishing the bike and seeing my family.  When I flew past my family before the final turn near the Olympic Center I almost lost control of my bike because I was going too fast around the bend but luckily regained control. 

Even though I was over 1 hour 20 minutes behind where I should have been, I was excited to run and finish the best I could.  

My time for Transition 2 was 3:01. I ran hard out of transition past my cheering family and averaged 5:50 per mile for the first 4/10 mile before settling down.  I passed hundreds of people on the first run loop with no one passing me. For how bad I felt and with stomach issues, I ran well but knew I may be in trouble because I was having trouble eating and drinking anything besides water. I averaged upper 7:00s for the first half, not as fast as my 7:20 to 7:30 per mile goal but good for how I felt and that pace would have given me the top run time in my age group.  It was awesome seeing my cheering family at mile 11 finishing the hill back into town and again at mile 13.1.  I started the 2nd run loop strong but soon slowed up and started to struggle.  I felt weak and my stomach was uneasy and ran very slow after 15 miles.  I felt awful and at mile 18 my body suddenly stopped and I started to walk.  It wasn’t planned, it just happened.  Every time I tried to run my stomach ached very badly.  I couldn’t eat or drink anything besides ice chips and water.  I no longer could handle the oranges I ate early or the little sips of Gatorade I had. I had a little coke and Red Bull but now I knew I could not handle anything besides water. I walked most of the last 8 miles with my hand on my stomach. I looked forward to getting to every aid station, which were at every mile, to get ice chips and water. It seemed to take forever to get through each mile. Many people were walking and some of the walkers and runners gave me advice. I must have looked bad.  Some of the people said they were on the first loop which meant they had another half marathon after they finished this loop.  I threw up at mile 20. Then at mile 23 a medical student who was in the race said to take more salt.  At mile marker 23 I took salt and washed it down with water. That didn’t go well. I was hunched over throwing up and gagging while a big group of spectators watched and cheered me.  

I was motivated to finish.  In one more mile I would be back in town and see my family and then finish the last 2.2 miles.  I felt bad for my family who had been waiting so long.  Never the less they were excited to see me and cheered for me like when I was having a good race. You would have thought that I was on track for my goal of qualifying for Kona.  They told me to run. I ran some with extreme stomach pain, then walked again.  But I ran the last few tenths of a mile past Mirror Lake and around to the finish on the Olympic Speed Skating Oval.  

The Lake Placid Ironman finish is amazing.  You turn right onto Main Street and then left to enter the Olympic Speed Skating Oval and run half a counter clockwise loop to the finish. I gave high 5s to Jenene, Lizzie, Angelina, Brady and Juliana on my way to the finish.  As I finished I heard the Voice of Ironman Mike Riley announce the words every Ironman longs to hear, “Mark Hunkele, you are an Ironman!” 

I received my finishers medal, shirt and hat. I was very excited to be reunited with my family who were excited to greet me after a long day. (First I had to go to the medical tent to get an IV.) They were amazing cheering me on at 11 different places throughout the Ironman and tracking my progress throughout the race.  I am so appreciative of the love and support they give me on race day and every day!  Jenene and the kids inspire me to be my best!  It was fun having the kids experience the Ironman again.  It was awesome having Lizzie, Angelina and Brady bike, swim and run on the courses during our trip. They inspire me with their triathlon training and racing.

My marathon time was 5:07. My final Ironman time was 13:20. 

Even though I was over 3 hours behind my goal and almost 3 hours slower than 2017 Ironman Lake Placid, I was just as proud to finish!  Things happen in an Ironman.  But it is not about one race, it is about the journey.  The first goal is to finish no matter what the circumstances.  

Obviously I did not qualify for Kona.  But I am even more motivated and determined to get there and it will be even sweeter when I do.  I look forward to my next Ironman Triathlons.  I may do Ironman Louisville this October 14. And I will be back in Lake Placid in 2021!

In addition to my family, I want to thank my great coach Joella Baker and her amazing support!  I am very gracious for your commitment to me and to our children, who she also coaches!  Thanks to all of my family and friends for tracking my race, words of encouragement and wishing me luck!  I appreciate all of the great support!

Thank you to Newton Running for all of your support.  My Newton Elite running shoes carried me through the run.

Thanks also to Cindy Smith, our friend and general manager at the Golden Arrow. Thanks for cheering me to the finish and for your support!  My family and I enjoyed spending time with you in Lake Placid.

On Friday two days before the Ironman the kids had a blast at the Ironkids Events.   Lizzie, Angelina, Brady and Juliana did great in the mile run. Lizzie and Angelina ran in the 5:50s on a hot, sunny afternoon after an 11 mile bike ride and were the first two female finishers.  It was inspiring seeing hundreds of kids take part in the Ironkids events.

Every day of our trip, besides race day, we spent lots of time on this beach.  All 4 kids, Jenene and I enjoyed lots of time boating on the water.  We enjoyed kayaks, canoes, stand-up paddle boards, paddle boats and row boats. It is such a beautiful, peaceful and amazing lake.

We loved exploring the 1932 and 1980 Olympic Ice Skating Rinks on Thursday. 

We attended mass at St. Agnes Roman Catholic Church, where the priest brings up all Ironman athletes to the altar for a special blessing.  Father Dan Callahan from Toronto gives the homily at this mass every year and has competed in the Ironman Triathlon many times.

On Tuesday we had a blast climbing and hiking at the top of Whiteface Mountain after taking the scenic drive up.  We hiked a good ways down the rocky mountain before turning around and doing the difficult hike back up.

We all love strolling down Main Street in Lake Placid. Main Street has such a great atmosphere with shops, restaurants, pubs and more...it has a great “Olympic feeling” on Main Street and throughout town. You can just imagine how great it was being here for the Olympics.  It is hard to describe the magic of Lake Placid, you just have to experience it for yourself.  We would vacation here, even without Ironman. It is one of my family’s favorite vacation spots.  We had a great trip visiting Lake Placid in the winter this past February and hope to go again next February.

Lake Placid was another memorable family trip, including another great Ironman Triathlon experience and lots of other family fun in Lake Placid!  Thanks for reading about my experience!

[flamepoint-runner]

My first marathon: race recap

[Ridiculously long post ahead....]

Hoo boy - so one week ago I ran my first marathon - Revel Big Cottonwood.  I had signed up for the race in April, and as you know (if you scroll back through my posts) i’ve been very on-again, off-again about actually running the damn thing.  I finally truly committed to it at the start of August after some not-the-greatest training this summer, and I managed to pull it off and cross that finish line.  Here’s a recap below the cut:

Firstly, it was a long week at school leading up to the race.  It didn’t matter that our training (tapering) runs were only 2, 3, and 4 miles.  We had to get them done in the early mornings before school.  That plus after school commitments meant for some very long days leading up to the marathon.  Friday afternoon we drove in for packet pick-up and took some time to check out the out-and-back portion of the course.  I finally got home that evening close to 8pm and had to set my alarm for 2:30am Saturday.  Not a lot of time to sleep...but it is what it is.

Saturday morning: up at 2:30 to eat something, make coffee, and get myself ready.  My friend L picked me up at 3:30 to drive in - the race was about 45 min drive away from our town.  We got there and boarded one of the buses to take us up the canyon around 4:30am.  Once on the bus I was like, “okay, this is it.  You’re really committed now...!” Yikes!  It took us almost an hour to get up the canyon to our starting spot.  We were behind one of the half-marathon buses and had to wait for them to unload at their starting spot, then drive another 10 miles up the canyon.

It was cool out, but not super-cold while waiting for the race to start.  We both got in line for the porta potties right after getting off the bus.  Then we just found a place to stand along the road and kinda keep moving while waiting.  Had a banana and finished my sports drink thing (I forget what it’s called right now, but it’s supposed to help you mentally focus as well...) Got back in line at 6am for a last porta potty use - then it was time to turn in our drop bags and get ready to go!

The race officially started at 6:45am.  It was kinda weird.  No national anthem - no energizing music, and not even a countdown (that I could hear).  Just...people starting moving towards the start line, and then running once they crossed the timing mat.  

It was really crowded for the first few miles, and i had a hard time regulating my breathing.  A combination of anxiety and adrenaline I’m sure.  I ran with L until about mile 3 when there was a steep uphill part.  I knew by looking at it that I wouldn’t be able to run the whole thing - especially with my difficulty breathing at this point - and that’s where I lost L.  I was hoping to run more with her and not be so far behind at the end....but yeah, that dream died on this hill.

ANYWAYS.  So I knew from here on out, I was near the back of the pack of marathon runners.  Fine.  Deal with it.  You’re still running the damn thing, right?  After the uphill at mile 3, we did a little loop and came back down the steep road which was nice.  I saw a person carrying a big flag heading up the hill and i think this was the back-of-the-race pacer person.  I think.  So I saw that...and thought...I gotta keep ahead of him.  My main goal was to finish this race in under 6 hours, which was the official cut-off time.

The first 18 miles of this race are down and out the canyon.  Some parts are steeper, and sometimes it flattens out a bit...but it’s mostly just a gentle downhill.  Aid stations every 2 miles - I always walked through and grabbed water.  I was able to keep my pace around 11-12 mins per mile which is a bit slower but still okay I guess. I stopped once to use a porta potty but other than that I just kept moving.  I’d say I ran 95% of the canyon part - just a few short walking breaks to stretch out my back, or walking the aid stations.

After the canyon was the out and back part.  More uphill.  Along a road next to a gravel pit with trucks going in and out and stirring up dust.  Yuck.  A lot of people were walking at this point - both ways!!  So I was somewhat encouraged because I was walking most of this chunk too.  My hip hurt and I knew I had some awesome blisters on my toes and feet...but gotta keep moving.  I saw L coming back down the out and back, and i knew she’d probably finish the marathon in under 5 hours. [I am super-jealous and thus hate myself a little bit more at this point...]

Mile 20.5 was the turn-around and here I tried to take a gel.  I had my gatorade chews with me and had been having a piece or two as needed.  They seemed to be the only thing my stomach can handle on long runs lately.  But, I was really hoping I could get some much-needed caffeine from the gel here.  Tried one little sip/squirt and NOPE. Not gonna work :( Pitched it, took some more water, and headed back on the other side of the road.  Positive part: there were a good number of people behind me yet!  I got to see (and count) all these people as I was heading back towards the main road.  Felt encouraged that I wasn’t the absolute slowest person.

At this point, the clouds were moving in pretty good and i was thankful.  It was somewhat sunny in parts of the canyon earlier and i knew I would have been absolutely miserable to be running (walking) this last part in  the sun.  Clouds plus a few rain sprinkles = perfect.  The last 4 miles I would run a chunk, walk a chunk.  No specific number of minutes or distance - just whatever i felt like I could do.  Right as I finished mile 24 there was a nice downhill part again that started off kinda steep - good momentum - and then slowly leveled out.  I was able to run that pretty well which felt good.  I was also getting pretty emotional by this point - and actually trying not to cry - like, I was just overwhelmed with thoughts: “oh my gosh I’m almost done - running a freaking MARATHON!”

When I could see the finish line and hear the announcer - it was so exhilarating!  I’m almost there!  Of course...it’s little bit uphill into the finishing chute (WHY PEOPLE, WHY?) but I ran that stupid little thing and FINISHED!  Still a good number of people at the end, cheering you in, etc.  It was good.  I got a bottle of water and someone put the medal around my neck...and I’m thinking “Wow - I just ran for XX time and went 26+ miles!”  There was a bit more rain coming down now...and the finishing line festivities were kinda packing up.  I got my drop bag and went to change into my recovery sandals and some clean/dry clothes.  L and I took pictures in front of one of the cool backdrop pictures with our medals and grabbed some free mixed-soda drinks (yay sugar!) and then walked back to her car to head home.

My emotions kept flipping between glad “yay I did it” and crappy-annoyed-depressed sort of thoughts for the rest of the day and weekend.  Like...I did enjoy running down the canyon and I had some really blissful moments.  And yes, I’m proud of running 26 miles in one go.  But I’m also super-pissed that I had such a crappy finishing time (compared to L) even though I’ve got legit reasons like my hip slowing me down.  It’s super-dumb, I know, and i need to let it go and just be happy that I did a marathon.  But I kind of wish L hadn’t run it as well...so I wouldn’t have anyone to compare to (and the other teachers/friends at my school wouldn’t be able to compare us as well).  

My mindset when signing up and wanting to run a marathon was to do it just for me.  It was a BIG fucking goal and I wanted to like...prove I’m a runner by doing it.  Of course I wanted a good finishing time.  But really, any time should be good enough for your first one.  So it just kinda kills me inside that L can just decide to “oh yeah sure I’ll run a marathon, why not” more casually, and then finish a fucking hour ahead of me like...no big deal.  And her attitude just kills me as well. Because it’s easy to say “Oh our times don’t matter! No one needs to know” when you’re the one with the better time.  I used to be the better runner. I used to just LOSE her when running down the canyon for our casual runs.  But now I’m fatter and slower.  And I know she’ll never say it to my face, but I get this sense that she really enjoys beating me in every race we do and every training run we did.  And she’ll say “good job” when I catch up sometimes - and that just pisses me off more.  

YES IT’S STUPID, I KNOW.  I need to stop being so jealous and just do my own thing, and focus on myself becoming a better runner.  Which is the plan from here on out.  I’m not going to sign up for races with her.  I’ll plan out and do my own.  I’m not going to do any specific training with her.  Maybe, every once in awhile, we can run on a Saturday morning.  But not every week.  Just once in awhile so I can check in with my progress.  I’m going to beat her someday.  I have her marathon time burned into my brain, and I’m going to fucking beat it.  I know I can. [I just need to get my hip issues sorted first] - and i can train better.

I’m going to sign up for this marathon again next year.  And maybe a different one before then - who knows?  At least some other half marathons.  But definitely going to do this one again - and I’m already looking forward to it - gonna crush my time by A LOT.

If you’ve read all this...holy cow. Thanks.  Definite brain-spilling going on.

[graemeruns]

Multiple update time: Reigate half, Sittingbourne 10 and Abingdon marathon

Oh dear, it’s been 3 months since I last wrote anything on here about my running, so now’s the time to get up to speed with what has been going on. 

After the Caterham half (detailed here) I looked at the goal races I had lined up and drew up a training plan. I actually only had two races booked in my calendar: the Reigate half marathon in mid September, and the Abingdon marathon five weeks later. So I decided to loosely follow the marathon training plan I used for my first ever marathon in Brighton in 2014, with Abingdon as the eventual finale and Reigate as one of the marathon tune-up runs. I always find training difficult in the warm summer months and during the school holidays, but this plan was doable because it shouldn’t mean excessive mileage (the greatest week being 55 miles, but most weeks between 40-50 miles). It also only meant five running days per week, so two days to fully rest and recover and not create any further injuries. I was hoping that training when it was warm would mean that the cool autumn races would be much easier too! 

I had entered the Reigate Half in 2017 at the ‘early bird’ price and it had always been my main aim this year once recovered from my injury; it had been useful to have a long term goal to focus on when I started back running in April. After my Caterham half disappointment my training needed to focus on building up the Sunday long runs (all after a fast paced Saturday parkrun) and also ensuring I tried to get one tempo or interval session in during the week. I was also determined to listen to my body, so if I felt too tired for one of the sessions, I would change it to something else, but make sure that I still got the miles under my belt. By the time the Reigate half came round on 16th September, I had managed 5 runs between 16 - 20 miles, and felt a lot more prepared than when I ran Caterham 2 months previously.

This was my first time running the Reigate half. The organisation was superb, and the communication, event village, baggage tent and parking was faultless. The course itself was all on closed roads, and I’d been warned it was quite hilly. In fact there were only really two hills - in the first mile and the last mile - but everything else was all slightly undulating; I never felt like I was on the flat at any point. My race plan was to go out at 4min/km (6:25/mile), and see how long I could keep that up. In the end I managed that pace for the first 8 miles, then started to slow, crossing the finish in 1:26:34. My whole run, however, had been slightly hampered by the hill in the first mile: going up it had been slow, so I had rocketed down it and that had made both my hamstrings sore, like a minor strain, which remained for the rest of the race. It probably didn’t slow me down much, but it certainly wasn’t nice to run with. Nevertheless, I was content with my time, and finished 1st in the V50 age category, which was an added bonus despite there being no age category prizes. You can view my race on Strava here.

After Reigate there were now five weeks until the Abingdon marathon. In the next two weeks my long runs consisted of a 16 miler with 12 miles at around marathon pace (4:13/km or 6:46/mile), and a 20 miler. The following week I decided to do a final tune-up race and entered the Sittingbourne Striders 10 mile road race. I had run this race in 2015 in a time of 64:30; you can read about that encounter here, which explains the course in detail. This year I was hoping to run a bit quicker and something in the 63 minute range. The weather was cool and conditions very good apart from a fairly stiff breeze in places, and this came to the fore midway through the race at the highest point of the circuit. I ran well, and, more importantly, enjoyed the race; I enjoy few races these days as I’m usually thinking of pace, splits and times rather than the event itself. The fact that I didn’t hit my goal time, but finished in 64:22 (which was a small PB) didn’t really bother me. Oh, and I was third too, and received a £10 Sweatshop voucher and a trophy for my troubles. 

You can view my efforts on Strava here.

Now there were two weeks left before Abingdon, so I tried to do a mini taper, but failed really because I had put myself down for the Surrey League Cross Country the following Saturday, and ended up with a 41 mile week. So in the end it was more like a 1 week taper, with a half-hearted attempt at carb loading two days before the race. I examined the training I’d done over the past 17 weeks, and the mileage worked out at an average of 43 miles/week. Compared to 2015, when I finished the London marathon in a time of 3 hrs 06 minutes on an average 52 miles/week, and 2016 when I finished in 2 hrs and 58 minutes on an average of 57 miles/week, the training was certainly on the light side. Saying that, I’d got some good long runs in, and was sure that the warm weather training would be beneficial now the temperature had dropped. I was also weighing in at the lightest I had been for some time, which could only help. Realistically, I didn’t think I could get under 3 hours again, but thought I could be close, so my plan was to run the first 13.1 mile in 90 minutes and see how it went from there.

5:10am on Sunday and I’m up before my alarm goes off. I’d sorted out everything the night before, but it still took me the best part of an hour to eat and get ready, so soon after 6am I was in the car and away. I hadn’t been looking forward to the drive much, and it took me about 1 hour 45 minutes, taking it easy as it was dark and also foggy in places, with the outside temperature about 8 degrees - perfect running conditions though! Parking was in a local school, for which there were plenty of spaces, and the event all took place at the local sports arena, so everything (toilets, baggage, snacks and coffee, and space to warm up) were all close to hand. I spotted the local scouts were selling flapjacks for 50p, so bought some to add to my pre-race banana as I was already feeling peckish from my breakfast 2 hours previously. I stayed dressed until 15 minutes before the start, did one lap of the track just to get the legs moving, and settled in waiting for the starter.

Abingdon marathon is a marathon for serious marathon runners. You won’t find many charity fun-runners here. The only real reason to run it is because it is flat and fast, and the race was packed with lean racers who were certainly not new to this game, looking for that elusive PB that perhaps they had missed at the hottest London marathon earlier in the year. It was 18 months since I last raced the distance, and I was quite nervous whether I’d be able to complete it on the limited training I had done. When the hooter went, there was the usual excited racing off by some runners who forgot that it wasn’t a 5k, but I soon fell into my own pace and let these runners gradually come back to me. 

The route heads out to the east at first to Radley, onto a footpath through Radley lakes (covered in low mist) then back to the west, twisting through the narrow streets of Abingdon town, where we were greeted with some generous support. The route then headed south out of Abingdon, along the River Thames, until it turned sharply to the west again, just before 10k, for the first of two loops through the local villages, each loop approximately 14k. It then headed back towards Abingdon town again, through western part of the town before turning back to the finish at the athletics track.

My memory of races is usually vague, but there were some parts that stuck in my mind:

There was the heavily panting runner who was taking up the whole path through Radley lakes by running in the middle (it was easily two-abreast if you ran to the side). That slowed me down a bit, and I genuinely worried that he could safely run 10k let alone a marathon. 

There were the three runners who drafted behind me for many miles, using me as a slight windbreak against the breeze. I didn’t get annoyed because I was running my own race, but it would have been nice for them to have taken turns at the front. I dropped them both later in the race.

There was the point after about 5 miles when I said to myself “Why am I doing this? It all feels quite hard, and I could just stop and go home early”. That was a strange emotion so early on, and I think I was focusing too much on the remaining distance. I calmed down by telling myself it was just a long training run.

There was the lady runner who caught me somewhere around the 18 mile mark, and it urged me to concentrate on my pace, which must have been slowly dropping. I ran with her for a few miles before she gradually pulled away and finally finished a minute in front of me. 

I remember the joy at seeing the 20 mile marker, and knowing it was only 10k to go. If I could keep my pace up I would finish in a respectable time. Although I was starting to struggle to turn the legs over, it was only in the last 5k that my pace really started to slow. 

As you run through Abingdon town with only 3k to go, you have to negotiate a twisty underpass, and climbing up the short steep far side was torture!

Finishing on the athletics track with a fast 300m sprint where I overtook a few people, including the triathlon legend Annie Emmerson. It was a great conclusion to the race.

So how was my race overall (which you can view on Strava here)? Well, I passed half-way in just over 90 minutes, and proceeded to lose another 3 minutes over the second half. My 10k splits were 42:28, 43:05, 43:43 and 44:34, so no big collapse, just a gradual slowing, although I did get my pace back on track for the final 2.2k which I completed in 9:33. My finish time was 3:03:23, which is my second fastest marathon time, albeit 5 minutes slower than my PB. I placed 152 out of the 744 finished, of which the first 124 ran sub 3 hours. Now that is a quality field of marathon runners!

Would I recommend it? Absolutely - the results speak for themselves! The race has a capacity for 1200 and does sell out, so enter early. It usually opens in mid February and is full within 6 weeks. I got a medal and a t-shirt for my £43, as well as some very sore legs for a few days, followed by a nasty head cold as my immune system wasn’t up for keeping anything at bay!

Next race is the Brighton 10k in 3 weeks. I’ve not run a 10k this year yet due to my long time absence with injury, so it will be interesting to see if I can remember how to pace myself over that shorter distance. I’d like to aim for 38 minutes but I need to shift this cold first and get some speedwork in to see if I have any hope of that. Whatever the outcome, it’s great to be back running well again.

[golfnomad]

Birthday in Vegas, Part 1: Summer in Summerlin

I was already planning to be in the Las Vegas area on Wednesday for a Greenskeeper.org GK Review Guru outing at one of my favorite courses, Cascata. It just happened to coincide with my birthday on Monday, so it was a great excuse to spend a few days in Sin City.

I ended up playing three rounds on Monday, all on the western side of town (aka Summerlin). As you might expect, I got started early...

Highland Falls Golf Club • Las Vegas, NV • 8/7/17

Prior to this trip, I was down to just a handful of public courses in the greater Las Vegas area. My goal was to knock out the final few (well, the ones not named Shadow Creek anyway) while there. Therefore, I needed to play Highland Falls on Monday because they were set to begin their second summer aeration on Tuesday.

I booked a 6:02 tee time directly with the course for $45. I was paired with another single and we went off behind a few really early bird member groups. One group did let us play through on the front nine and then we caught a couple slower groups toward the end of the round, but it was still a nice pace of under three hours.

Highland Falls is part of the Sun City Summerlin 55+ community, but all the courses (including Palm Valley and Eagle Crest) are open to the public. Now that I’ve played them all, I would easily say Highland Falls is the best of the bunch. It has a similar overall feel as Palm Valley, but a more interesting design, some decent elevation changes and some better scenery being situated a little closer to the Red Rock mountains to the west. 

Now, Highland Falls isn’t anything that dramatic. In fact, I found it to be a very forgiving layout that allowed for plenty of good scoring opportunities. The greens are large and feature some undulation, and most fairways have ample landing room. Houses line most holes, but really won’t come into play much unless you really spray one. 

I found the 5th hole to be the most interesting. It is a short-ish par-4 with a water hazard guarding the green. Longer hitters may want to lay-up to avoid rolling into the lake, and then it’s a short shot in to a well-protected green.

The course was in pretty good overall condition for mid-summer. It seemed pretty similar to what I experienced last year at Palm Valley. The tee boxes were fine. The fairways were mostly pretty good with some inconsistencies (multiple grasses in play, some thin spots, some shaggy spots). The rough was pretty similar to fairways with some really thick clumpy bermuda patches where the ball dug in deep and other places where the ball perched up nicely on top. Rough lies were either brutal or very favorable. It's clear they had some flooding throughout the course when the recent rains hit because there was some debris/trash gathered up in some of the low-lying areas. Sure that will get cleaned up soon enough. I wasn't in a bunker here. 

The greens were soft and rolling pretty well at medium speeds, starting to show some summer wear with browning around the edges. Also, they were barely just healed from the July aeration (still dotted in appearance) before getting ready to aerate again the next day.

The Sun City Summerlin courses are solid options to consider when looking for something that’s somewhat reasonably priced in an area where most golf isn’t that cheap. They offer friendly local atmospheres and good enough courses to satisfy the golf itch..

Some pictures from Highland Falls Golf Club (8/7/17):

My next two rounds were convenient, as they are located at the same facility and were only a short drive away from Sun City Summerlin...

Angel Park Golf Club • Las Vegas, NV • 8/7/17

I was very happy to finally cross Angel Park off my list on this trip. This is a great golf facility with two full regulation courses (Palm and Mountain), a fun 12-hole par-3 “tribute” course (Cloud Nine), a large practice facility/range, and even a really diabolical 18-hole putting course.

Previously, I played the front nine of the Mountain Course with a friend. It was late in the day and that’s all we had time for. I had played the putting course on that first visit and the Cloud Nine course on a separate visit to Angel Park. That left 27 holes I needed to play, including the back nine of Mountain and all of Palm. My plan for Monday was to play both of the main courses in their entirety.

I had booked a TeeOff.com deal time at 11:57 for $30 on the Palm Course. However, I finished quicker than expected at Highland Falls and wasn’t sure what to do with the extra time in between. I headed over to Angel Park and the guy in the pro shop was super nice. Because it was a pre-paid time that was so much later than my arrival, I wouldn’t be able to play my Palm round early. However, he said I could play Mountain first and then they’d get me out on Palm whenever I finished the first round. We both figured it would end up being later than my original tee time. 

Ultimately, it worked out well. He charged me a mid-morning rate of $45 for Mountain and I was teeing off around 9:30 by myself. I ended up playing through a few groups, but the course was pretty wide open and I finished in about two hours, 20 minutes. In fact, I was checking back in the pro shop just a few minutes before my original 11:57 tee time on Palm!

Mountain Course

When I played Mountain last time, it was very late in the day. The first half of the front nine faces due west, so it was staring directly into the setting sun. We couldn’t see much and it was hard to enjoy. By the time we turned around and started heading back east, it was starting to get dark.

This time, I actually got to see what the course really looked like and I liked what I saw. Mountain reminded me of a somewhat tamer version of Badlands (R.I.P.) or TPC Las Vegas. It makes sense because they are both very close by. It has similar rugged terrain with a small canyon running through parts of the course. 

The Mountain Course (both courses at Angel Park in fact) were designed, at least in part, by Arnold Palmer. I typically enjoy his course layouts and aesthetic presentations. I think Mountain is the much prettier of the two. There are lots of pine trees. You have mountains providing a nice backdrop on one side and then some okay views of Las Vegas on the other side. The Suncoast Casino is right next door, as well, so the first few holes play right alongside it. 

There are a number of memorable holes here, including the short par-4 3rd and the demanding par-4 9th. On the back nine, the 11th is a cool little par-3 over a canyon. Lastly, the two finishing holes are quite challenging. The par-5 17th is very tricky with a large canyon bisecting the fairway about halfway through the hole. The 18th features a large water hazard that runs along the entire right side of the hole. 

Conditions were pretty good for mid-summer. I guess Mountain is different from Palm because they keep the rye grass (or is it actually all poa?) through the summer rather than transitioning to bermuda. That gives Mountain a deeper green overall look, but perhaps somewhat spottier coverage this time of year. The tee boxes were nice. The fairways were good for the most part, with some thin/brown areas scattered throughout. The rough was pretty similar in terms of coverage. The greens were very soft and rolling at medium speeds. Speaking of greens, they were doing some maintenance on the par-3 11th green, so about half of the green is roped off as GUR to make it an extra-small target hole for the time being.

Good deals can be found at Angel Park, especially if you are an OB Sports card holder, to make it a reasonably affordable mid-range option. Now that I’ve played them both, I would personally rank the Mountain Course higher than Palm. However, I know a lot of people feel the opposite way.

Some pictures from Angel Park Golf Club (Mountain) (8/7/17):

Palm Course

Though I checked in just in time for the original Palm tee time, I wasn’t in any rush. It was clearly not busy out there and I had time to grab a quick bite at the snack bar. I scarfed down a pretty tasty hot dog and headed over to the first tee of Palm.

I ran into a couple groups out here, but they both let me through and I was finished in under two hours. That meant I played three full rounds on three different courses and was finished by 2:00!

Palm starts off near the clubhouse and the first few holes are kind of boring, if you ask me. I was ready to write this course off as “solid” and pretty basic desert at best, but then I went through the tunnel and onto the other side of Summerlin Parkway where the majority of this course is situated. 

Everything on the other side of the street is much more enjoyable. There are a lot of good holes in this stretch. Most notable would be the double-dogleg par-5 6th. It has numerous risk/reward options with a split fairway and all sorts of different angles to consider. The short, but deadly par-4 9th is also a good one. It is a sharp dogleg left around a lake. I wish I had more local knowledge before playing both of these holes because I took some aggressive lines that I shouldn’t have and it cost me a stroke or two on an otherwise really good round.

Both of the par-3s on the front nine are also nice, with water hazards to hit over.

Eventually, you come back across the parkway for the final few holes. I liked the par-3 17th and 18 was decent, but otherwise it gets a little boring again once you are back on this side of the property. Overall, I would say I really liked 2/3 of the course and the other third was just “meh.” That’s why I would easily lean toward Mountain as a more interesting 1-18 layout that also has more eye-catching scenery and landscaping.

I would say Palm is in slightly better condition than Mountain, primarily because it is fully transitioned to summer bermuda. It's a little lighter in color and there were some more light brown streaks throughout the fairways and rough, but the playability is more consistent. There were still some thin spots scattered throughout, though, so it was far from pristine. Overall, the tee boxes, fairways and rough were all in pretty good mid-summer condition. The greens were definitely a bit firmer on this side, but still pretty receptive and rolling at medium speeds. I was in one bunker and it was typical crappy Vegas sand—a bit thin and rocky.

Both Palm and Mountain are good courses and I can see why they are popular with a lot of local players who want to avoid the resort courses and inflated prices that come with them. 

Some pictures from Angel Park Golf Club (Palm) (8/7/17):

[phatjosh180]

Running Thoughts: Heart Rates, Backs & New Diet

Some days I feel like a champion — most days thought, especially as of late, I feel like a complete mess. Right now, I’m probably somewhere in between? I can’t quite decide exactly where I am on the champion/mess scale — probably the middle?

Okay, let me explain myself before you think I’m having some kind of mid-life crisis or breakdown. Because I’m not. Though I should be scheduling one soon since I’ll two and a half years away from 40. But, that’s a whole other post for another day.

So getting down to the nitty gritty — I’ve got a crap back. I’ve had back problems off and on for years. I injured my back while on my LDS mission which caused lower back issues — off and on — over the past 15+ years. The past 4-5 years or so those issues have been becoming more frequent.

The main issue is my lower back and it makes walking, sitting and sometimes running difficult. The pain will last anywhere from 4-10 days and it just kills me. Especially if I am in the process of training for goal races, because it absolutely kills my mojo. It’s just been very frustrating to deal with over the years. And, knowing that back issues run in my family I knew I couldn’t just ignore it and just manage the pain.

So last week I went to a back doctor to start the process — I picked him for a couple of reasons. One, he was within my health benefits network, and, two, his approach was non-surgical. That was a big one for me, because my Dad has his first back surgery when he was 38 (a year older than I am now) and it’s caused him problems over the years. I don’t want that if I can avoid it.

Another reason why I saw a back doctor — and something I’ve kept somewhat quite — is to finally be diagnosed with Deteriorating Disk Syndrome (DDS). My Dad has it. But, he’s also passed that onto my older brother and sisters — and I’m 95% sure I’m dealing with it as well after comparing the symptoms with my siblings. And, I’ll get my MRI results back next week to give a better picture of what’s going on.

Ugh.

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                  I decided to change up my training runs and instead of just focus on distance and speed — I’m going to train based off of my heart rate. I’ve never done heart rate training in my 8-9 years of running — um — why did it take me so long to discover this way of training?! It was a revelation and a whole new world tonight as I did 5.25 on the treadmill! My plan was to stick at 75% of my heart rate soooo about 135-140bpm. So I cued up my FitBit to show my heart rate on the display screen and set out to run. I usually set the treadmill at 5.5mph for a good pace, but I soon found that was “too fast” my heart rate so I kept lowering it until I was jumping around 4.4-4.6mph. I noticed my heart rate was also influenced by my music. I was listening to my standard running music, but I noticed if I was listening to something with a fast beat the heart rate rose too. So to help keep my heart rate calm I turned on some Enya and rocked out the last half of my run to her. It was quite relaxing. Then to finish off the run I treated myself to a few minutes in the massage chair — focusing on my lower back. Which I should be getting some answers with next week! But, needless to say, this run tonight was needed and a much needed mental boost, because I felt my approach before was leading nowhere. I can’t wait until my next run on Wednesday night. —————————————————————— #runfitketo #running #fitness #keto #wellness #mentalhealth #anxiety #ketodiet #ketoweightloss #ketolifestyle #ketosis #run #runner #5khero #runformentalhealth #anxiety #fitnesslife #hashimotos #hashimotosdisease #thyroid #thyroidproblems #health #weightlossjourney #weightlosstransformation #fitnessgoals #heartratetraining #heartrate —————————————————————— Follow me @runfitketo for more running, fitness & keto motivation!

A post shared by Josher 🏃🏻‍♂️🏋🏻‍♂️🥩 (@runfitketo) on Feb 18, 2019 at 9:49pm PST

A lot of my anxiety about running lately has been about the back and DDS. I want answers, but at the same time I’m feeling anxious that time isn’t on my side for some of the goals I have for me and my running — namely my 100 mile race goal. I feel a pressure to work hard on it now, because I HAVE to do it. Have to.

After dealing with injuries and health issues the past couple of years, I’ve felt the need to approach running, life and everything in between differently. Besides just seeing a back doctor, I’m approaching my diet and training differently as well. I’ve been eating and training smarter, but I know I can do it better. So I shook things up a bit.

I am still sticking to a keto based diet, but I’ve added a twist to it. I have added a number of Mediterranean Diet principles to it. Namely, less steak, bacon and salt and more chicken, fish and spices with loads of olive oil. I’ve also upped my salad intake to twice a week with more spinach, olives and chicken dominating the bowl.  

I have to watch my carb intake on days I eat salad, but it’s pretty easy as long as you’re conscious about you’re eating and reading your food labels. The transition has been pretty easy and seamless. The biggest change has been cutting the salt and steak. I still plan on eating steak once a week, especially since I used to have it 2-3 a week depending on my motivation to grill it.

I’m making this change for a couple of reasons — mainly to shake things up a bit. And, because it feels right. After doing a DNA health report through 23andMe and pouring over my data I noticed that my body composition could benefit a lot with a Mediterranean infused diet — because, well, I’m a good chunk Mediterranean with Greek, Italian and Middle Eastern heritage within my genes. It just made sense to me.

And, last, but not least — I am shaking up my training. It’s been a struggle the past few months with my anxiety and back. I’ve been feeling the pressure to get into the swing of things for my marathon in April. And, after a few good(ish) long runs the past couple of weeks — I just wasn’t feeling it. I knew I needed a different approach. So that’s why I am doing.

My friend Jill has converted over to heart rate training — after after hearing her rave about the difference, I thought I’d take a stab at it. Especially when she told me how slow she was running to keep herself within her heart rate change. Knowing that I could do slow, I looked more into it and — well — I started following a heart rate training schedule.

And, I love it!

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                  I’ve been in a weird frame of mind the past week. I’ve had flashes of motivation intermingled with self-doubt and anxiety. I think most of that has been because of health issues, but also the size of some of my goals as well. They scare me — and that’s good. Of my goals didn’t scare me even remotely, would they be worth working toward? Today’s speed training was simply straight forward — 6×400 on the treadmill with a 60 second walk break between each set. The first four sets weren’t THAT bad, but I struggled through the last two as I just couldn’t get into a good rhythm with my cadence and breathing. I was huffing pretty good that I was afraid someone would sound the lunk alarm. But, it was a good tough run. I blasted my fast running playlist and didn’t care about my HR. I was able to work through some of the thoughts and concerns plaguing me this week. It drained me good both mentally and physically. Up next is my 15K (9.3 miles) on Saturday at The Great Saltair. This is the first time I’ve tackled this distance and considering it’ll be freaking cold — I’m really trying to mentally prepare myself for the race. But, knowing I’m running in warm and sunny Southern California the following weekend helps a lot. One foot in front of the other. —————————————————————— #runfitketo #running #fitness #keto #wellness #mentalhealth #anxiety #ketodiet #ketoweightloss #ketolifestyle #ketosis #run #runner #5khero #runformentalhealth #anxiety #fitnesslife #hashimotos #hashimotosdisease #thyroid #thyroidproblems #health #weightlossjourney #weightlosstransformation #fitnessgoals #speedtraining #6×400 —————————————————————— Follow me @runfitketo for more running, fitness & keto motivation!

A post shared by Josher 🏃🏻‍♂️🏋🏻‍♂️🥩 (@runfitketo) on Feb 21, 2019 at 10:25pm PST

I did 5.25 miles on Monday at 75% heart rate. I wasn’t sure how that was going to look, but I quickly noticed after cranking it up to my normal 6.0-6.5 mph on the treadmill that I had to go slower. So, I went slower and slower and slower until I was averaging between 4.8-5.0 mph. I felt like I could have done a good solid 10 miles at that pace with ease — and I probably could have if I had the time. 

I had to get used to monitoring my heart rate and adjust accordingly, but that monotonous task was overshadowed by how I felt. Not only did I sustaining energy throughout the run, but the ankle and back weren’t hurting. I can’t help but think how hard I was being on my body by cranking up to over 6.0 mph. I think in my mind if I was going to get faster I needed to go faster?

No, I just need to train smarter.

So my training plan calls for 2-3 runs a week — 1-2 that will be heart rate monitored (tempo and recovery) and then speed training (6-8 x 400). I’m not going to monitor my heart rate for the speed training runs, but my other runs I will. Pretty simple approach, but one that I feel like will help me with my marathon and ultra training. 

Plus, I feel like it will lessen the impact on my ankle and back — which — is really more important to me. It’s just been difficult for me to come to terms with the back. I haven’t been officially diagnosed with DDS — yet. But, I am sure that’s what the MRI will reveal during my doctor appointment next week. I feel like I’ve come to terms with that — but, ask me again next week after the appointment.

I just really, really want to be able to do my 100 miler and get the most amount of years out of running that I can. That’s all. A simple request and wish, right?

But, whatever the outcome is, I am going to continue doing what I am doing and just work towards my goals. All while being smart about my approach and training. Because, as much as I want to run my 100 miler — I really want to be able to grow old while running. That really should be most of my focus.

Stay tuned for next week’s doctor appointment.

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Running Thoughts: Heart Rates, Backs & New Diet was originally published on PhatJosh | Running Thoughts.