#but i felt a connectedness there too. i was able to help them out a little

[salvia-plathitudes]

Today at work I started talking to this lovely older woman from Texas who, I didn’t find out until later, came up here with a good friend (she drove four hours to meet her friend in another part of Texas, where they took off together for another twelve at least, to get here). They’re both into quilting and her friend was the one teaching a quilting club right above my break room. I had been invited to step into the carriage house on my first break to get details on how I could become a club member.

One woman told me that I can personally come over and use her “long arm” (it’s a sewing machine?!) if I wanted to.

Older quilting ladies are absolutely living up to the hype of being so encouraging to young people who are interested in joining the hobby. There were men there, too, and there should be as they have about 300 members scattered about my area, though not everybody attended!

[lily-drake]

The Demon’s Queen

Chapter Ten

First <> Previous

The plane ride to Paris was uneventful.  It was just himself and Tim, and both were trying to find any clues from their laptops.  The sound keys being hit filled the plane until Tim let out a loud sigh of frustration.  

“No luck either?”

Bruce asked casually as he turned to face his youngest son.

“No.  I’ve been reviewing different security cams for the past three hours and I haven’t found a single thing except how crazy some of the Akuma Attacks were.”

Tim paused for a long moment, his brows furrowed and lips turned down letting his features show how concerned and unsettled he was.

“Some of them were really bad B.  Like even worse than the things we’ve seen in Gotham.”

That last comment made Bruce’s lips turn down into a grim frown.  To imagine it was only these two kids for so many years without any help.  If he had known about the whole situation, he would have been more than happy to lend his support in whatever way they needed.  Now, it was too late, and one of the kids was in trouble that could have been avoided if they had known sooner.  

“We’ll figure this out Tim.  Wayne Enterprises will help the people there in whatever way we’re able to.  And Batman and Red Robin will find and bring a hero back home.”

He said gently as he looked his son in the eyes.  Tim gave a firm nod, before he turned back to his laptop, continuing whatever it was he was doing with a renewed vigor.  Bruce would figure this out, nothing would stop him from finding this child and helping her back home no matter how long it took.

__________

Damian was born in the shadows, and while some use that metaphorically, for Damin, it was literal.  So when he decided to hide in them, they welcomed him like they were the oldest of friends.  Damian watched from the shadows as Marinette trained, she had been with the League for a little over a month now, and she was making great progress in that short amount of time.  He was sure that she would be just as skilled as his mother in the near future.  Speaking of his mother, she was to return from her mission today.  He should go, wait for Talia at the entrance, but for some reason he just wanted to watch her movements.

Her face was pinched with both frustration and what appeared to be some sort of self loathing.  Her body language showed that she was more open to the critique of Hadid, like she trusted him more than the others here as her body showed she had more of her guard up with them.

He watched as she landed a hit, moving away in one swift movement to avoid Hadid’s counter.

“That move was perfect…that is if your definition of perfect is a ballerina that trips over her own feet.”

A frown marred her lips as she deepened her stance slightly, angling her feet till they were at the proper angle before she attacked again, this time with more force than the last, though this time she was quickly blocked and thrown to the floor.

“Good try, though I’m sure your great-grandmother could have landed that.”

It went on like this for what felt like hours, but as the fighting got faster and harsher, so did the words spoken.  Despite that, Hadid never seemed to lose the calm connectedness that was his voice, never did he sound of breath, or exhausted.  But there was a gleam in his eyes that seemed to grow, a cruel smile on his lips.  Gentle touches that were quickly turned against her, but he never stopped it.  Despite the feelings warring in his chest as he observed the anguish that continued to grow in her body language and demeanor, he never stopped it.  This was exactly the type of training that he endured, and if she was to become one of his generals she would need to learn that this was the way of The League of Assassins.

“So this is the reason you didn’t greet me MyDemon.”

Damian didn’t jump nor did he flinch, though he wanted to.

“I apologize Mother.  I was observing how the training of one of my future generals is going.”

He said as he turned towards his mother, bowing on one knee.  He may be the Demon’s Head, but his mother was the reason he was here in the first place, and he would not dishonor her.  Talia rested her hand against his hair, the smallest of smiles on her lips before she looked up at watched the match before her.

“The girl?”

She asked softly, removing her hand from his head, a single that he could stand with her.  

“Yes.”

Talia hummed as they both stood quietly in the shadows just watching as the girl fought and seemingly failed at every turn.

“She is very skilled, where did she come from?”

“I took her from France.  She was the past Ladybug Miraculous holder and apparently the Grad Guardian of the Miraculous Box of Life.”

Not much shocked Talia, but that was news to her.  She had thought that all of the monks had died and with the destruction of their temple, the loss of all of the Miraculous and their creatures.

“That girl is the Grand Guardian?  She looks far too young according to their customs.”

“The Guardian before her was forced to pass over ownership to her because a villain that was in possession of two of the Miraculous, had captured the past Guardian.  I checked, he is of no use to us as he remembers nothing.  It is all in my report if you wish to read it, Mother.”

“Yes, I think I will.  What did you say her name was again?”

“Marinette.”

“No last name.”

“It is unimportant now, but I believe it was Dupain-Cheng.”

“Unfortunately, or maybe fortunately, that name does not set off any alarms.  Only time will tell.”

“Indeed.”

“I wish to introduce myself.”

“Of course, Mother.”

And with that, they both emerged from the shadows of the room, putting a pause to the training session.

“My Demon, My Liege.”

Hadid said with a deep bow, but Marinette didn’t bend, simply glaring at him as she panted for breath.  She glanced over at Talia, eyes scrunched with slight confusion before they widened slightly in understanding.  She was still far too easy to read, hopefully one day they could train her out of that (part of him never wanted her to lose that, he liked being able to read her emotions).

“Marinette, this is my Mother, Talia al Ghul.”

Marinette stood up straight, looking Talia in the eyes with her lips turned down to show her displeasure at the situation.  Talia stared back, never wavering.  Manyhad tried to stand up mto Talia, none had succeeded, but that didn’t stop this girl from trying.  Neither would back down, Talia could tell that much.  There was a fire behind her eyes, one that would be very hard to extinguish.  She wondered if it was like this before she came here, wondered if it had dimmed at all since she started her training here.  The silence seemed to grow as the two just stared at each other, one out of defiance the other with curious examination.  A small smirk creeped onto Talia’s lips as she finally broke eye contact first to look at her son.

“I would like her to dine with us tonight, make sure she has something suitable to wear.”

“Of course Mother.”

Damian replied with a short bow as Talia left the room without another word.

He could feel Marinette’s eyes burning into him, if he looked he knew there would be some sort of glare on her face.  It didn’t now, he still had time to convince her that The LEague was better for her than anywhere else.  His spies had told him that the Bat still hadn’t found anything yet, that they were not suspected.  But Damian knew that wouldn’t last much longer.  His father was known as “The World’s Greatest Detective” after all.  Not to mention the amount of resources he had with the Justice League who were also a part of this case.  He was glad that Grandfather had lined the insides of the wall with lead so that no kryptonian could hear what went on here.  Without glancing at her he too left the training room.  He would get her when it was time, for now he would need to discuss important matters with his mother as well as her last mission.

Next

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[internshipswithgladyslaw]

Underwater Cables: 29th and 30th August 2023

This was the second last and final day of the Shared Summer School Programme between Singapore, Zurich and Trondheim. This was our last rehearsal before our final performance on the 30th August 2023.

TengSheng decided to wear the face masks in the opposite directions and to not wear a shirt as he deemed that the God of death should not be restrained to human clothings and felt that a better way to interpret his character was to be dressed absurdly (or none at all). I felt like this made a particularly strong statement given that Lemuel and I were barely in the shot, so it the idea of loneliness and being the only in a big space was to show how detached the world of the dead is from reality. The blue lighting we chose also shaped the set to look very cold and unreal.

One problem we faced was that in Trondheim, there was too much happening visually and what we had initially planned out to happen in Trondheim was suddenly disrupted. One of our group mate from Trondheim was not present for the rehearsal the day before and was not informed about our changed decisions and became lost during our rehearsal. She also wanted to incorporate humming or talking but felt that she had no place to do so during the performance, in which we did not know that she had planned to do that.

In our efforts to deescalate and to turn it back on track, we wanted Trondheim to remove some of their green screen projections as it was becoming to overwhelm with the loud pink costume that one of them was wearing. We also carved out a more specific place for Nasrina to come in during the performance.

Later that day (or at night for us) we decided to have another zoom meeting to consolidate our changes and to reaffirm our cues. To help track the timing of our performance, we suggested for End to set bell sounds that was used during Act 1 to let us know the countdown every minute from Act 2 till the end of our piece. We decided for an increased in the number of bell sounds as each minute passes. We also set up a visual cue in Trondheim that when we reach towards the end of the performance, they would rip their canvas and remove all projections from their green screen.

Learning Point 1: I learnt how to deescalate a conflict during an intense moment so as to ensure that our group's morale is not affected and to have everyone's input be respected. It was definitely a fine line to walk through. Over-communicating is much better than assuming on our individual parts.

For the final day, we were the first group to soundcheck and were met with connection issues that lasted for more than 30 minutes, which ended up causing the sound checking schedule to run late.

The performance went relatively smoothly. One of the problems we faced was sound issues (which did not arise before), towards the end of the piece we could not hear the bells indicating our time. So, we mainly relied on the visual cues set by Trondheim. I am glad that we had a safety net in place.

Final Learning Point/Reflection: This has been a really fruitful programme. I was able to showcase electronic music and have it intertwine with different art mediums and transcend through physical space. I managed to make friends from different countries for the first time. I learnt that being enthusiastic and taking initiative can bring you to an even greater level of connectedness and art-making. And lastly, to not be afraid to try something different or something that is completely out of my comfort zone, because it is so much more rewarding.

[brakken-spideyverse]

Alrighty - the final review (for now!)

Spider-Man: No Way Home (2021)

Y’all. What a ride.

I am very, very happy with this movie.

For starters, this is probably the MCU’s connectedness working at the best it ever has. It is decidedly a Spider-Man story while not shying away from the broader pieces of the world. The MCU doesn’t feel invasive, nor does it feel brushed aside or excused. When Peter’s eyes glance up at the little wizard decoration, I just found myself giddily appreciating that yes - this is how it should work; something needs solving in a certain way, so you seek out the Marvel character that can solve it.

In my thoughts about FFH, I talked about how its ending made it feel like the first part of a larger story. While this movie doesn’t fix that feeling, I do think it kicks us off by fulfilling itself as ‘part 2’. The opening is an inescapable domino of consequences which upend Peter’s life, while also feeling like a step forward, rather than reversing development like I was concerned about. I think this film benefits a great deal from not having an Avengers movie wedged in before it, throwing character motivations into question, or making it serve as the fallout of some larger event.

Another thing it solves from FFH is removing all the goofy side characters. There just isn’t space for them in the movie, allowing all the humour to come from Peter and his close friends, which is where our focus should be. I do sort of wish Flash got to be more involved in a meaningful way, though – and now it feels like they’ve missed their chance to give him something more interesting to do.

Peter’s trying so hard to make everything work. I really felt that struggle between taking responsibility and feeling responsible, here. And we have the adults in his life giving him advice – trying to help in their own ways but offering him conflicting messages.

I found his relationship with MJ to evolve nicely. There was a charming simplicity to it in FFH, which progresses into something deeper as these events play out, and it feels like they’ve finally found a footing with this version of MJ. Glad we got a ‘Watson’ name drop, too.

I wasn’t big on Doctor Strange in his first movie, nor his cameo in Thor. I found he was pretty strong in Infinity War, but here I was really able to enjoy his presence. He didn’t feel caricatured like Tony in Homecoming, and he didn’t overstay his welcome. I was concerned that the fumbling of the spell would be too easily turned into Peter screwing things up, but it was nice that some of the blame lay on Strange, too. I was not expecting to get emotional during the finale, when Strange implies that he cares about Peter. And I was also not expecting a fight between them – but again, the MCU working as intended. A great sequence.

I’m glad May was brought into the story in a big way. With how this series came about, with the absence of Uncle Ben as a piece of Peter’s life, this felt like the right way of bringing in the iconic line. And it was the full thing. “With great power, there must also come great responsibility.’ An important part that often gets left out.

Okay, let’s get into the villains.

The Green Goblin – terrifying. Here’s Willem Dafoe, eating up the screen and proving he can still bring it as this character, and cementing himself as the best superhero movie villain of all time for me. Modern fight choreography and effects remind us just how strong the Goblin is as he brutalizes Peter. Design-wise, I think they missed the opportunity for him to don his broken mask for the finale – would have completed the half-ragged look. And despite him being one of the absolute highlights of the film for me, I also feel like they may have mischaracterized him. My understanding of Raimi’s SM1 is that by the end, Norman is helping the Goblin by distracting Peter – which is why that scene is so tragic. The good man finally caved to the allure of absolute power. It’s shown to us earlier when he crawls toward the mask, begging to be told how to make Peter suffer. But in NWH, we start with Norman and Goblin being at odds for some reason – arguing as if Norman has any level of control, or even desire to stop. Later we see he’s learned that Oscorp and Harry don’t exist in this world, which - had we somehow been given that realization before their argument - would have let me concede this portrayal. But as it stands I think they didn’t quite land the idea of what made him particularly scary and tragic. Still really enjoyed both facets of him, with that aside.

I was most concerned about Ock’s return. Given that he was an already redeemed character with such a memorable journey, it felt wrong to pluck him from that and mess around. But I’m happy with what was delivered, even if he’s a little under-baked for one of the tentpole villains. Before the movie, I had a theory that this was going to lead to a Superior Spider-Man situation. That Molina’s Ock was only a fake-out for Tom Holland’s Ock. I’m glad I was wrong because I like what we got, but y’all, I was whirring in my seat when the nanotech wrapped around the tentacles. On just a minor touch, I love the plotting of that overpass fight scene, and how it led to the unmasking of the ‘wrong’ Peter. Good stuff.

Electro was interesting, seeing as it’s more or less a take-two at the character despite having the same actor. Was happy to hear his music return, albeit briefly. I think what’s most fascinating to me about him in NWH is how it contrasts with my own idea for the character returning in my TASM3 script. We both went with yellow electricity for more comic accuracy, even trying to incorporate the mask in the electricity. But where I had him de-powered and in pain, they have him powered up and in control. I felt like they could have put in a little more effort to explain why he’s in this universe, though – considering he never found out Peter’s identity in his own movie.

Sandman and Lizard didn’t leave much impact, which is okay. I was a little confounded by Sandman’s motivations, and it took until after the movie was over for me to realise that the villains weren’t exactly a united front against Peter in the end fight. I can understand the behind the scenes reasons for keeping him sandy for the whole thing, but there wasn’t a real in-world explanation, there. And on the scaly side, the Lizard formula was never permanent in TASM1, so there’s a bit of plot-stretching there, too. I didn’t mind the design alterations they made to him, but was really hoping that when he was chasing Ned and MJ in the school lab, he’d stop to put on a labcoat. “Well, I am a doctor, after all.”

Okay. So, Spider-Man was in this movie. And so was Spider-Man. Also, Spider-Man.

I’d heard rumours, seen potential ‘leaks’, had already built my own theories… but I still managed to let myself doubt. So when Spider-Man from The Amazing Spider-Man 2 – the version most dear to me – stepped through that portal, I felt it. And the cinema audience went wild. There was a kind of magic in that moment, hearing such adoration for that version of the character, that I’ve felt a little alone in my admiration for. I was not prepared to revisit this character in the cinema, and see him get hit by bread of all things. I’m a little unsure how I feel about the backstory they’ve given him of ‘stopped pulling his punches’ – in all likelihood it is a natural direction to take him from the end of his last movie, but considering I’d built my own picture for where he ended up, it was hard to reconcile. Even so, I’ve put in a lot of emotional effort to give myself closure to this character… but to be given it is a very different feeling, and freeing in a whole new way. I’m glad it wasn’t winking too hard at the audience, or taking passive-aggressive shots at him being the ‘worst’ Spidey.

And Tobey’s here, too. It’s good to have you back, Spider-Man. I think the hints to where his Peter is at were good. I think Spider-Man 3 ended appropriately bittersweet, so to know that he’s ‘making it work’ is better than hearing “it’s all sunshine and roses and we got married on a hilltop”, or what-have-you. Like with Andrew, I was glad we didn’t get an awkwardly forced moment of “haha remember when I danced?”. Into the Spider-Verse took care of that already, so it was good they could just give us the characters instead of the memes. Things like awkwardly standing around in Ned’s place, arguing which one is ‘Peter Two’, these things will stick with me so much more than any of that.

I’d describe what this film does as the ‘good kind’ of fanservice. Cameos and references will always be this double-tipped spear of trying to please audiences, and maximizing profits. There is a dangerous ‘soullessness’ to it that is an inherent risk, as it’s so easy to allow fanservice to simply throw something recognizable in your face so you get excited. But to see the deliberation, the craft, and the care put in – to have the appearance of these characters and plot points be relevant and important to this new story, while also making efforts (not always successfully) to respect their sources and attempt to deepen them further… it’s just wonderful. And it sets a precedent and a challenge to other companies and creators to bring that same passion to such concepts.

After Andrew and Tobey showed up, the movie was in danger of being Spider-crowded from then on, but they seemed to know it was still ‘Peter One’s’ story. He gets time to mourn May with MJ and Ned, and his following scene with the other Peters was really well done. So caught up in grief that he didn’t really acknowledge who they were and what that meant, and at first shutting out their “I’ve been there” stories, until finding the connection through May’s words.

I think I was in a daze by the time we got to the final fight. It was very crafty of them to find old footage of Connors and Flint for their transformation scenes. It was really great seeing Electro get that interaction with Andrew’s Peter – “you were never a nobody”. Electro’s redemption was something I felt I didn’t have space for in my own script, so to see it here and done effectively, despite the crowded screentime of everything else going on… it’s both humbling and encouraging, and softens one of my problems with TASM2.

There were some nice moments between Tobey and his villains, too. But they didn’t leave quite as much of the impact, I don’t think. Otto having been redeemed in the way he was loses a bit of the connection he made with Peter in his final moments in SM2. But, wow, while I do think the villain’s deaths have been some fantastic storytelling moments, it is just really nice to see these characters get a second chance.

The MJ save. Woah. What a choice. What a moment to give to that character – to be able to give. And the aftermath is just wonderful. My cinema crowd once again erupted in cheers.  

It’s been uplifting to see the immense positive resurgence for Andrew’s Spidey, and a call for more of TASM. I’m in a weird place about it, because I’ve invested so much into tying off that loose end… and I’m kind of content with what we have here, so I’m not quite sure where I’d like to see things go?

As for what’s to come for MCU Spidey – what an ending we have, here. Tragically pulling us all the way back to the friendly neighbourhood. Losing all his connections, to friends and enemies, and everything. Bittersweet but triumphant – it really hit me in the same way as the TASM2 ending does, and even further back to SM1. We get this final, victorious swing, that hides the hurting kid under the bombastic and wild superhero.

New suit looked great, too.

It finally feels like I got what I wanted from MCU Spidey, and more atop that. It elevates Homecoming and Far From Home into feeling like an extended origin story. It gives us redemptions for this set of villains, and reconnects us with our other Spideys, in such creative ways. Also, Matt Murdock was in it.

My regard for the movie may dwindle upon more watches, and that’s okay. Right now, I am content in riding the high. Right now, it sits as my favourite MCU film -  and is tied at second place for my favourite live-action Spidey film.

Rating:

[the-sappho-of-lesbos]

I don’t know how to explain that I have both moved on my from my ex but also haven’t.

Like I don’t want any potential future gfs (lol I know that’s not going to happen) to think that I’m still like in love with her or infatuated with her or you know wouldn’t love them because I’m still hung up on her or something.

Because that’s not really the case I don’t think. I think after all these years it’s not really HER that I’m clinging to.

I’ve had crushes since her. I’ve had people I’ve found attractive since her. I’ve had people I’ve wanted to date since her.

But I tend to still go back and think about what we had or “miss” her. But again I don’t think it’s her per se. I think it’s just I haven’t had what I had with her since. And it’s something I do desperately want. And since I’ve only ever gotten from her she’s kind of my only point of reference.

I’ve never had proper mutual attraction / feelings that weren’t unrequited with someone that wasn’t her. I’d met a woman I was comfortable with. I’d met a woman I could make out with and I felt warm around and wanted to build an adult relationship with. I felt seen by her. I felt like maybe I could be loved. I felt like we were similar enough in the ways I wanted and also different enough in the ways that helped. It just felt good.

I’m so obsessed with love and relationships. And I had it. For such a small snippet of time I had what it felt like I had been looking for so long. When I was 19. And now I’m 23 and haven’t had anything since.

But I want it again. I want those feelings of warmth. And connectedness and attraction. That desire to try hard for someone else. Of feeling like maybe I’m enough. Maybe someone likes me. Maybe someone I find attractive find me attractive too. The mutual growth of it all.

It’s hard not to cling on to her, or the memory of her when she’s the only one I have that represents it.

And it makes me scared. Was I only ever going to have this with her. Was I only ever going to have what I want most in the world for less then a month in my life and then never again. Will I never be able to find love again. Will I forever be alone, with the only thing to keep me warm the fading memory of puppy love from when I was 19? Even in my mid twenties? In my thirties? Is that all I’m going to get? Am I being selfish hoping for more. Hoping to find a more genuine and long lasting love this time.

Or I’m a truly cursed with loneliness. To just be so different and out of t her loop that I can’t find someone who likes me and who I like. Is that just too much to ask for. Am I the problem. Do I have too many standards. Am I too rigid. To superficial. Am I lonely because I’m a bad person.

I don’t know. I don’t the answer but I know it hurts. And I know I don’t want to be alone. I want to share a life with a woman. I want to help her when she’s sad , I want to be there when she’s happy, I want to buy her things and have someone to experience life with. I want to have someone to laugh with. To walk out late at night with - so we can come home where it’s warm together. Be tired together. Feel safe together. To make out with her. To have sex with her. To share my soul and help hold hers. To look at someone and feel so much love and attraction and peace and know that she’s looking at me the same way.

I want that. I want it more then anything. I just don’t think I’m built for it. Or I’m just not meant to have it. And that beaks my heart. To be on the outside all alone. To feel like I’ll never have the one thing I want. I don’t know how to cope with that.

[stones-x-bones]

The Real Gamble (Pt. 2) || Mina and Bex

TIMING: Current (part 2 of this) PARTIES: @drowningisinevitable and @inbextween SUMMARY: Here’s where the real gamble comes in. Will it pay off? CONTENT: Underaged drinking, Brief Domestic Abuse mention, NSFW-ish (Kissing)

Once the bartender had gone off with their drinks, Bex readjusted herself and smoothed her hands down the front of her dress. It was something she always did when she got nervous. “Well, it’s, you know,” she started off again, leaning fully against the counter now, hoping the low lights behind them wouldn’t show off her red cheeks too much, “that’s the wonderful part about history. To me, at least. Humans have changed so much since they first came about, but there’s so many things that have stayed the same. So many things that we’ve chosen to preserve, so we can remember. So we can be better.” She knew she probably had that stupid, dreamy look on her face as she talked, but she was never able to help herself. Once she got talking about history and how much the past really informs the present, she couldn’t stop. “Every cycle is just a repeat of the same things, just slightly changed. It’s incredible, don’t you think?” She finally turned to look at Mina again, eyes sparkling. The other girl’s wide-eyed stare wasn’t lost on her, but she chose not to mention it yet. “Much better than the city of Chicago. So,” she said abruptly, “you explained how to play Blackjack, but you still haven’t taught me how exactly card counting works,” she continued, scooting a bit closer. “Wanna give it a shot?”

Swallowing, Mina managed to clear her throat and her head, honestly just grateful that the bartender had come along before she’d made an absolute fool of herself. Now, at least, she was only a partial fool. “I think that’s always been one of the most beautiful things about humanity, to me, the capability to change so much and yet remain so similar to where you started. I mean, a lot of major things have changed: the fact that human sacrifice isn’t a big deal anymore is pretty great, and I really enjoy the internet, personally, but humans still play games and still form societies and still spread themselves out as far as they can go.” That was one of the things that she’d always thought, more than anyone else’s teachings, that made humanity better. Fae, other supernaturals, so many of their rituals, for all that they’ve managed to blend into human society, were still archaic and secular. They looked down on humanity, but, honestly, how could they not see their incredible marvels? How could they not want so desperately to be a part of something so big? “You’re right, it’s absolutely incredible.” She clasped her hands together. “Right, I haven’t explained card counting while we were at the table because I didn’t want to get thrown out for it. But, essentially, what I’m doing is keeping track of the cards that I see, the values of those cards, and how many cards are in the deck to essentially predict the probability of what type of cards will come next: something of high value, or something of low value. And then I make bets or don’t based on that number, depending on whether or not I want to win or lose the hand.”

“It’s more than that, even,” Bex said, “it’s not just that we form societies, but how. And how there’s always some form of community at the center, some need to draw people together. Whether it’s religion or protection or common goals. The first civilizations formed not out of necessity, but out of want-- to make life easier and to spread the amount of work. To share. The leap from hunter gatherers-- cavemen-- to a collective society? It was astounding. It still is.” She let out a content sigh, the smile on her face natural. When was the last time she’d raved about history this much with someone? Probably when she’d last spoken to Professor Campbell, but the feeling was different here. She felt more at ease here. “We’re explorers,” she added on after a moment, “always have been, always will be. Whether it's our own planet, or the stars, or, well-- a place we created. Like the internet.” The bartender returned with their drinks and set each one down in front of them before nodding and heading to another needy patron. Bex grabbed hers and slid the other to Mina. “Sorry...I know you didn’t ask for a lecture on humanity. But I did warn you, I don’t know when to shut up sometimes.” Taking a sip of her drink would certainly shut her up, though, so she did just that, focusing back on Mina as she explained what all it took. And when she was done, Bex could only stare for a moment. “See,” she started, “you say that as if that’s all easy but sometimes I can’t even keep track of the number of meals I’ve eaten in a day, let alone that many cards all at once and then also calculate probability from that. Sheesh, you really underplayed this.” A chuckle, though, as she took another sip. She’d never had a cosmo before, but it wasn’t bad. Strong, but not bad. She hoped it wouldn’t mess with her painkillers too much. C’est la vie, she supposed. “Did you learn from someone or did you figure it out all by yourself?”

“See, and that’s-- yes!” Mina nodded. “That’s it, actually, how societies came together and, I don’t know, keep coming together? The, ah, the connectedness of people, of humanity. I’ve always liked learning about that.” She smiled. “I’ve always liked that, too, the exploring, the desire not to just stay in one area, secluded and never being more.” She should, as a nix, want something stable, something lasting. A lake or a river bed to stay in and protect, a piece of nature that belonged to her and her kin. But Mina didn’t grow up like that. She’d never had those thoughts, those desires. She’d attached and detached herself from places her entire life, and she couldn’t imagine not doing that anymore. “I wouldn’t have asked if I didn’t want to know. I like hearing you talk about it. Besides, I could use a lecture on humanity every now and then.” She took her a sip of her drink. The last time she’d had vodka had been straight from a bottle two years before with the daughter of a Russian slayer her father had been working with, the girl more fascinated than disgusted by Mina as she asked questions about Fae that Mina just didn’t know the answer to. What would she know about Fae when she’d never been never really been around them? The cosmo was much sweeter, though she still felt that bite. “I really-- I mean, you don’t actually have to remember the numbers, just highs or lows.” She shrugged. “I learned myself. My schooling was kind of my own, so I just learned what I wanted after I learned what was useful. I, ah, didn’t realize that I knew how to count cards until I was… actually counting cards. Which is why I got in so much trouble the first time I did it.”

“Connection is the most important part of a culture,” Bex said, “it’s what creates a healthy, functioning society. If people can’t connect to each other then--” she paused for a moment, reflecting on her own words. Connection. It was such a strange concept to Bex. She hadn’t had many opportunities to connect to people before, as a child, as a teengaer, even as a young adult. She was isolated and awkward and anxious, and even the connections she did make always turned out wrong or bad or toxic. She was sure from an outside perspective, it all made sense, but to her, it was her own fault, her own failure. And her parents agreed. “--well, then, there’s just nothing.” She finished rather somberly and tried to move the thoughts away from such a low place, sipping the drink again. Maybe a larger amount than she should have, but unbeknownst to most people, Bex’s first drink of alcohol had been vodka and it had been when she was twelve. It seemed her father’s taste ran in the family. She gave a short laugh at Mina’s next comment. “Couldn’t we all?” She nearly rolled her eyes, then, pushing away from the counter and taking Mina’s hand again. “God, you really need to follow my wisdom and just let me compliment you. I know it’ll work out in the end. Now c’mon,” she urged, “I wanna see you in action again. You get that funny, smug look on your face when you play and I wanna see it.”

“I agree, totally, though I’m, ah, I’m bad at those. Connections.” Mina kind of swirled her drink a bit, though she smiled to sort of lessen what she was saying. Recovering, she said, “But you already know that.” She’d never really made connections to anything that was a part of a code. Except that she’d founded so much of what she was on that fact, and now she was having to rewrite all of it. “You know, I actually think a lot of people have the whole humanity thing down. It’s just how they use it that matters.” She allowed Bex to take her hand, careful not to spill her drink, and lead her back to the main floor. “Sorry, I’m not particularly used to it. Ah, accepting compliments. Not my area.” She felt nice, though, when Bex said she was going to keep trying, even if it made her cheeks warm a bit with embarrassment. She looked over at the tables, deciding that it was probably a bad idea to go back to the one that they’d previously been at, but the only one open had the leprechauns at it. Mina pulled a face but went in that direction. “Okay, I’m not sure if I trust you, now. I’ve never been called smug in my entire life.” But she pulled up a seat for Bex and sat down herself, putting her chips down and motioning for the dealer to deal her in. The leprechauns turned, and she could barely make out their eyes staring at her before she looked away. Fae unity or not, she detested leprechauns.

“Well, me, too,” Bex shrugged, “all we can do is keep trying, though, right? And...we have each other, right?” And though Mina’s smile was soft and it cut through the more hardened part of the sentence, Bex could still feel the sorrow behind the words. “You know you can do both, yeah? Connect to nature and other people?” A little lighter this time, teasing in her voice as she squeezed Mina’s hand. She wanted that other smile to be on her face, not this one. “Hmmm,” she hummed in thought, “I guess you could have a point there. But hey, don’t apologize for that. Like I said, I’ll keep trying.” She wouldn’t mind doing that at all. She turned her head enough to make sure Mina saw the smile on her own face, pinching her eyes closed ever so slightly. It was only a little hypocritical, considering Bex herself often fought to accept compliments given to her, when they didn’t concern her looks or attractiveness. But how many people did she know who cared to compliment her intellect or enthusiasm? 

Once they were on the floor again, Bex let Mina decide which table to head to, hand tight in hers. “Ah ah,” she said, sliding into her spot, “no take backs. You already said you trusted me, so now you’re stuck with me. Sorry not sorry.” A cheeky grin flashing from behind her glass as she took another drink, before reaching in to pluck out the cherry. “Besides, it’s not like it’s an obvious smug look,” she went on, looking over at Mina unassumingly as she popped the cherry into her mouth, tugging the stem off. “I just see it in your eyes.”

“Right,” Mina said quietly. She attempted to match Bex’s tone. “You know, I’m just as good at connecting with nature as I am with people. I fell out of a tree once, actually. My dad said I broke my leg in three places. He had to carry me to the end of the hike.” And then to a body of water to heal herself enough so that she could walk on her own, but that wasn’t worth mentioning. Not when it would have made Mina look unnatural. She didn’t even know why she said it in the first place; she was trying not to worry Bex. She shook her head a bit, but she was laughing. “If you keep trying, I’ll get a big head. Isn’t that what most people try to avoid? I don’t think it’d be a good look on me.”

Mina made a face. “Wait, no, fine. I mean, I trust you, but not about this funny face business, especially with the smug comment, and…” she trailed off before she looked away from Bex, back to her own drink, before she took a swallow. The leprechaun slammed the table with their chips, startling Mina a bit. When she looked down the table, the one on top was glaring at her. She stared back. She would not be cowed by a stack of little stone men. That would be ridiculous. She looked at her cards and motioned for the dealer to hit her for another before moving on. Who allowed leprechauns to play blackjack, anyway? Wouldn’t they be better at poker, with their little stone faces and their inability to communicate properly with humans? Then again, blackjack was more about hand gestures than speaking, but still, and it was certainly a good way to make money. Some of the chips had a certain shine to them that she was sure the leprechauns liked.

“Oh, geez,” Bex said, exasperated, “another story about a broken bone, huh? And I thought I was clumsy.” The truth was that she wasn’t really as clumsy as she let people believe-- though she was clumsy, and their hike up the falls had proven that to her-- but bruise after bruise meant story after story, and she’d only tried to tell the truth once before she realized that only made things worse. “I hope you’re more careful about climbing trees now, I don’t think I could carry you to a hospital. I’m not strong, like, at all. And Nell hasn’t taught me any levitation spells yet.” Another tease, even if she didn’t quite know what she was saying. And there it was, the smile she’d been waiting for. It was back. She bit her lip and raised a brow. “You know, I think that’s a risk I’m willing to take. Besides,” she answered, leaning into her again, “you might look good with a big head.”

Mina’s words trailed off but Bex wasn’t paying too much attention. She jumped slightly when the small, angry looking man slammed his chips onto the table and glowered at the two of them. God, where were all these grumpy men coming from? Then again, this town had always had them in spades, hadn’t it? Bex had learned that the hard way. Her father’s friends were not fond of her, and while as a child she hadn’t the slightest clue why, she understood now. Her grip tightened on Mina’s arm as she wrapped one hand around it, watching the game play out. She was trying to do what Mina had said, keep track of the cards, the highs and lows, but there was too much information being given too fast. The next thing she knew, the round was over. “Wait, did you win?” she asked, looking at Mina, then to the little man. “I missed it.”

“I’m not clumsy, I was just up too high,” Mina said. “The forces of gravity working against me hardly counts as clumsiness.” She did look at Bex, though, a bit confused. “Why would you have to carry me to the hospital?” It wasn’t like that warranted going to the hospital. Did it? She thought that place was for emergencies. “But of course I’m much more careful. I don’t climb trees anymore. No chance of falling and breaking two different kinds of limbs.” No, these days she just fell off cliffs into churning ocean water. Honestly, that was far more dangerous. She wasn’t bringing that one up again. She snorted. “No, I would not look good with a big head. Absolutely not.”

Mina looked down the table and readjusted in her seat as the chips went to the leprechauns. The top one’s expression didn’t change, but it radiated smugness. She wondered if they were from the little colony that had been on campus. Had being the appropriate word. She’d done a very good job at scaring them off. “No,” she said, scrunching up her nose a bit as she laid down more chips as the dealer started passing out cards again. She muttered, “They did.” Bloody leprechauns. Especially these ones. “It’s fine, really.” She trusted in her next hand, determined to pay more attention. She didn’t really get it. She rarely lost track of things like this.

“You call it gravity,” Bex pointed out, “I call it being clumsy. Don’t worry, there were plenty of times ‘clumsy’ was gravity for me, too. Now we match!” She leaned over, patting Mina’s arm comfortingly, as if she’d just been given a truth that was hard to bear. “Your secret’s safe with me.” Bex let out a laugh, shaking her head. “Because I’m not a med student, I’m pre-law and I only took one First-Aid class. You do not want me splinting a broken bone. I’d probably do more damage than help. But I do know CPR,” she tacked on with a grin, “you know...just in case.” She nodded, putting her chin back in her palm, watching Mina with amusement. “Mmmhmm, well, you never know until you try, right? Isn’t there a saying about that?” 

Bex watched as all the chips were slid over to the frowning man, and she felt a tiny surge of anger as well. Sipped her drink again as she glared at him glaring at Mina. Well, now she really wanted MIna to beat him, if only to wipe that look off his face. She clung to Mina’s arm, watching the cards get doled out again, waiting to see how it would turn out. Her heart was racing again, as she watched Mina’s hand. Was it good? She hoped it was. It looked like it was. She only had a few cards. That was good, right? Mina had said fewer cards meant a better hand. Really, she didn’t even care if Mina won, she just didn’t want the angry man to win. It would be nice, though, if she did win. Bex barely even noticed her grip tightening on Mina’s arm as she waited with anticipation.

Mina narrowed her eyes just a bit before pulling a face, scrunching up her nose as she tried not to smile. “You’re teasing me. Stop it.” Or don’t, I really don’t mind, actually. It’s perfectly okay if you want to just keep teasing me for however long you like. She laughed. “Oh, well, if that’s the problem, then I can splint my own leg perfectly, actually. So, you won’t have to worry about that, Ms. Pre-Law. The CPR might be useful, though.” She leaned back, raising an eyebrow at the younger girl. “I’m quite certain that there are some things that shouldn’t be tried, like poisonous berries or, maybe, inflated egos. Maybe I’m wrong, though.”

Tapping her fingers against the table, Mina allowed a small smile to work its way onto her face as she won the hand, the chips being slid towards her. She heard the disgruntled clicks coming from the torso area of the stacked leprechauns, and, okay, maybe she was feeling just a bit smug. If she was, there was really only one person to blame. She smiled, first at Bex and then at the dealer, and then she raised her bet. One a hand. Raised it again. Wash, rinse, and repeat. The leprechauns weren’t the only people at the table getting frustrated. The dealer raised an eyebrow at her, but Mina simply asked, “Do you believe in luck.” He motioned toward where a pit boss was headed towards them, a frown on his face. “No, apparently not, right?” She looked between Bex, the chips, and the pit boss. “We, ah, we might have to leave.” Then moving closer, she quietly added, “Quickly, or do you remember what I told you happened the first time I played? There, ah, might be a repeat of that here.”

Bex put a hand to her chest, feigning offense. Fingers grazing wounds she’d nearly forgotten about in her delight from the evening. “I would never,” she scoffed, doing her best impression of a British accent. “Okay, show off. But how would you get back to town or to a doctor’s so you could heal properly, hmm? Would hate for you to regrow another bone wrong,” she said, raising a brow inquisitively. “You know someone had to try them first to find out they were bad ideas, though. Would it help if I told you I’d probably still like you, even if you had a big head? You’re like, pretty much the only one that tolerates my history gibberish.” 

Bex quieted as she watched, with increasing fascination, as Mina won. Hand, after hand, after hand. Their chips were piling up! It wasn’t even about the money, Bex didn’t need money, but it was might satisfying watching everyone else-- especially that stone-faced man-- lose theirs. Steal from the rich, give to the-- well, okay, that metaphor didn’t apply, but Bex did like proving people wrong. She hadn’t even noticed the angry look on the dealer’s face, or the rather scary looking man ina suit heading towards them until Mina pointed it out. “What?” Bex asked, looking up. Her gaze followed Mina’s over and she inhaled sharply. “Hmm, you know what? I, uh-- I think I’ve had enough cards for one night, yep! We should, ah-- we’re just gonna--” Sliding out of her seat, keeping a tight hold on Mina’s hand. She stopped for just a brief moment to finish off her drink, before turning and tugging MIna after her. They definitely could not get caught, and not just because Mina was card counting. There were at least two other illegal things they’d done here, and both of them were about Bex. “C’mon, c’mon,” she urged, looking behind her to see the very disgruntled security man trailing after them. She weaved her way through the tables with ease, despite the increasing pain in her chest that seemed to be smothered by the adrenaline of the situation. Pushed out the same door they’d come in, laughing as they ducked past the bouncer outside and into the cool night air.

Once they were far enough away Bex was sure they wouldn’t be followed, she finally stopped, still beaming. “You know,” she panted, a little winded, “I don’t think I’ve ever been thrown out of somewhere before!” 

Mina opened her mouth slightly in shock before she snapped it shut and then gave a small laugh. She rolled her eyes. “I wouldn’t need to find a doctor, you know I wouldn’t need a doctor, I’d just need to find something to support me while looking for shelter.” Specifically, a body of water. Then she could heal over the course of a few days enough to eventually make it back to wherever she was supposed to be headed. She hummed. “Alright, let’s get this clear, shall we? I don’t think your history talk is gibberish. It’s fascinating, especially to someone who has no real prior knowledge about any of what you’re talking on. I like it. I like hearing you talk.” 

There wasn’t really much time for conversation as they made their escape, the chips left deserted on the table and the top leprechaun’s stone stare following them through the crowd whenever Mina had the chance to look back. But she let Bex lead her, directing them passed the tables, passed the security guards. Mina gave one of them an apologetic wave and resigned herself to being on her best behavior the next time that she came to the Stacked Deck unless she had another reason not to be. Another reason like the sound of Bex’s laugh as they made it out into open air, happy and breathless, and, wow, Mina could only compare this to an adrenaline rush during a fight, except it wasn’t quite like that, not really, and she didn’t really know what to do with it. She looked at Bex, laughing. “Yes, well, usually, when I get thrown out of places, it’s a bit more dramatic than this. I think they stopped caring here when they realized I’d left the money.”

All Bex could see in this moment was Mina’s smile. Her face, framed perfectly by her hair, that chocolate-y shade of brown that reflected the moonlight just right. Bex’s breath was coming out in front of her in little puffs of air as she huffed to catch her breath-- she knew most of it was because her body was still trying to catch up to itself while it healed, but there was something else there, and she knew it. Her entire body even felt like it was vibrating, she barely heard what Mina was saying. She was just stuck, staring at her, feeling something building in her chest. Something so odd and yet distantly familiar she couldn’t help but want to feel it more. To understand what it was. And maybe she did understand, but right now all that mattered was this moment, her body flushed with excitement and a happiness she’d rarely felt. And she grabbed onto those feelings and she just...acted. Something Bex rarely, if ever, did. And the impulse came as her stepping forward to close the distance between her and Mina and cupping Mina’s face with her hands and pressing her lips to Mina’s in a flurry of emotions. And, oh, wow, did it feel nice, so nice. It just made her heart pound harder and faster and all the air in her lungs left, and after only a short moment she had to pull away to gasp for breath, still holding onto Mina.

And then the reality of what she’d done slammed her into the cement and Bex felt her entire body go cold, save for the burning in her chest. She let go of Mina and stepped back. “I--” she didn’t know what to say, she had no words, cold and frozen on her tongue. “I’m so sorry,” she managed to say, “I’m so-- I didn’t mean to-- I should’ve asked, I’m sorry.” Because what else was she supposed to say?

Fight. Flight. Freeze. Mina was very good at freezing, at going still in the face of something coming at her. Sometimes, she believed if she stood strong enough, she could be prepared for whatever was coming at her. Nothing could have prepared Mina for getting kissed. Really, she hadn’t expected it. Not that she’d never been kissed before! She had! But those times it had been expected, and it just… it never ended well. It was hard for things to end well when the ways that she saw herself and the ways that other people saw her were so… not well. But this was unexpected, and it was nice, and Mina didn’t think that Bex saw the way hunters and slayers and wardens-- and Mina herself-- saw her. She couldn’t breathe, for just a moment, couldn’t think, couldn’t really do anything, and just when her brain started to feel less like a jumble of ones and zeros in an order that didn’t make sense, Bex was pulling away, and Mina was left standing there blinking with her mouth half open trying to figure out what was going on. 

“Wait,” Mina said. “Wait, wait, wait.” She reached out for Bex’s hand before pulling back, reaching out again, opening her mouth, closing it, trying to figure out what to do. “Wait,” she said again because apparently that was the only thing she could actually figure out how to coherently say. Words, she needed to say words, more than just one. “You-- I--” Good, yes, incredible. She’d kick herself if she was able to. “You’re sorry?” she finally managed to ask. She swallowed tightly, before looking into Bex’s eyes, at her lips. Mina licked her own. “I mean, if-- if you’d asked, the, ah, the outcome. It would have, well, I mean, it would have been the same, really, so you just sort of skipped a step or two.”

Wait. The word made Bex pause. Mina said it four more times and still Bex didn’t move. She watched her with her own wide-eyed stare, hands shaking, as Mina’s mind seemed to crank back to life. Was she mad? Was she upset? Was she going to leave? Bex wouldn’t blame her. She hadn’t meant to. The feeling of the moment had just grabbed her and whisked her away and maybe, at heart, she’d always been this oddly impulsive. But her heart was still pounding, and her mouth felt dry and she watched Mina looking at her, and watched her lick her own lips and felt her heart squeeze and-- Mina said she didn’t mind. Perhaps had even liked it, from what Bex could parse out of her jumbled sentence. It was Bex’s turn to stutter. “You-- if I--” swallowed the lump in her throat, vibrating. She reflexively reached out and met Mina’s hand between them, “it was okay?” Was that really the problem here? Making sure it was okay? Even to Bex, it was clear it was, now. “I can--” she started again, moving a little bit closer, “--do you want me to...do it again?” Her voice was shaky and her breath was hot, but she moved in closer again, feeling the pull inside of her own chest telling her to do it. Do it again because it was the best she’d felt in literal years. And she wanted to, fuck did she want to. “Cause I can do that. I can definitely do that, i-if you want.”

“Bex,” Mina said, and she laughed a little bit, unable to truly catch her breath. “It was okay. It was more than okay, actually, really much more than okay.” So much more than okay. Stupidly more than okay. Mina wasn’t breathing properly. That was the only logical explanation to this lightheadedness, this tightness in her chest. But it was altogether quite illogical, really. She looked at their hands, laced their fingers together. “Please,” she said. She brought her free hand to Bex’s face, lightly stroking the younger girl’s cheek. “I want that.” She wanted it a lot, more than she could say, in any language, and Mina was practically fluent in three. She wanted it like she’d wanted so few things in her life because she’d never been given the opportunity to properly want things, hadn’t really understood that wanting was something she could do, and now that she’s started really, actually wanting something, something like this, well. She couldn’t just stop now, could she? They were close. They were so close, and all that Mina could do was nod her head and close her eyes and say again, “Yes, I want that a lot.” And, honestly, Mina would have kissed Bex herself if she wasn’t a coward, but even when she knew what she wanted, she was so, so scared that it’d be taken away, even if the probability of that was low. Bex had kissed her first! But it could be a joke. But it probably wasn’t. But it could be. So Mina just had to say what she wanted and hope, hope, hope for the best. Blackjack wasn’t real gambling. This was.

This wasn’t what Bex was supposed to want, but there was that saying, right? The heart wants what it wants? And, really, how often had Bex gotten what she wanted? Probably never. Maybe never. Her mind tried to find something to prove herself wrong, to prove that she didn’t have to give in to this strange, yet wonderful feeling inside of her, because her life was fine. Just fine. And she didn’t need this to make her happy, she could be happy in other ways, right? But it found nothing, and maybe she hadn’t wanted it to. Definitely hadn’t wanted it to. “Okay,” was all she said, barely nodding, because she was afraid if she started talking again she wouldn’t stop. And right now she didn’t want to talk, she wanted to kiss Mina. So she did, leaning into her this time, pressing their lips together gently. Fingers intertwined, Mina’s hand on her cheek, there wasn’t possibly anything else Bex could have wanted in that moment. She even let her free hand grab onto the fabric of Mina’s shirt and bunch it up and kiss her just a little more desperately, because who knew when she’d get something like this again. Who knew when this was going to simply slip through her fingers, like all good things did. And this time, when she had to pull away to breath, she didn’t say anything-- just looked at Mina and hoped she wasn’t dreaming.

The second kiss was better than the first, and, really, Mina could have asked for a third, possibly even a fourth, but they were just standing there, out in the open, and, wow, Mina really wanted this. She could stay in this moment and just enjoy it if she was allowed to, for as long as she was allowed to. But she and Bex both needed to breathe. She kept her eyes closed for just a moment longer, trying to slow down her rapidly beating heart with a few deep, even breaths. When she opened her eyes, Bex was staring at her. She hoped she wasn’t blushing too hard. Impulsively, she rushed forward and gave Bex a soft peck before pulling away just as quickly, smiling contentedly. She hoped she didn’t look like a fool. She probably looked like a fool. Did she even care that much, though, really? “Yeah.” Mina cleared her throat. “Yeah, that was-- That was absolutely more than okay. Just, I mean, just so you know.” She paused, eyes widening a bit. “I mean, actually, unless it wasn’t okay for you, in which case, and are you alright? You seem alright, but--” she laughed nervously. “Um, yeah. Yeah.”

It was Bex’s turn to just smile, the grin spreading across her lips as she watched Mina and listened to her fumble over her words. They really were quite similar, weren't they? Bex waited patiently for Mina to finish before she reached out to brush Mina’s hair behind her ear again. “Like you said, it was more than okay. And I’m okay.” She gave a short nod-- it wasn’t a lie. “I’m really okay.” Squeezed her hand tighter, rolling her lip between her teeth before she glanced around them. Her gaze landed back on Mina. “I really like your smile,” she said quietly, wondering if she could get Mina to blush anymore than she already was. She didn’t want to leave this spot, but it was getting colder outside and they were sort of in the middle of a public parking lot, and if someone hadn’t already seen them, they surely would soon. She tugged on Mina’s hand gently as she motioned towards the parking lot, walking backwards so she wouldn’t have to look away from her for too long. And if she fell, she knew Mina would catch her. “We should probably get back,” she commented, still hoping this moment wasn’t just a dream, or that she wouldn’t wake up tomorrow and immediately regret everything. Or even that this would make things weird between them. She wasn’t even sure what this meant, but those were all things for her to worry about tomorrow. For tonight, she would just give herself this. This one small thing that made her happy. “If you’re not too tired, we could watch another movie. You know, there’s still three Jurassic Parks left to watch.”

Mina managed to laugh. Relief, overwhelmingly so. “Good, good. That’s good.” She could be okay with this. Was this that whole ‘going after what you want’ thing that she’d been told about so much? Because, if it was, and the results were this positive? She could stand to do it a bit more often. Really, she could. Her smile managed to brighten as she said, “I like yours, too, you know. It’s cute.” It was cute and sweet and kind of wonderful when it reached Bex’s eyes, and every time Mina saw it, she couldn’t get enough. She let Bex lead the way back to the car before she unlocked and opened the passenger side door for her. “You’re right, absolutely. It’s late.” She’d really like it if this didn’t end, if she could just hold on to this moment and the lightness and heaviness and overwhelmingness of it all. How often does someone like Mina get things that she would like to hold onto? Not particularly often, actually. Maybe more than usual in the last year, but she could probably count the occasions out on both hands. She walked around to the driver’s side and got in, looking at Bex seriously. “Three more movies? Well, actually, I don’t think I know nearly enough about dinosaurs, so I guess we’ll have to watch at least one to fix that.”

Well that backfired. Now Bex was blushing, hiding her face against her shoulder as she felt the heat rising in her cheeks, a smile permanently on her lips. “That’s objective,” she said, “and I think you’re a little biased at this point.” She climbed into the car when Mina opened the door for her and folded her hands into her lap as she waited, turning to look at the other girl as she hopped in the driver’s side. “Yep,” she answered simply, giving a toothy grin, “and they’re working on one more right now. Don’t worry, there’s plenty of dino content to help catch you up.” She really wanted nothing more than to lean over and kiss Mina again-- she’d never kissed anyone in a car-- but opted for just placing a hand on her knee. Leaning over to kiss someone seemed as if it might strain her injury and then Mina would probably get worried and the whole night might be ruined. Bex didn’t want that at all. The drive home somehow seemed longer, but maybe it was because Bex was desperate to be out of the car and close to Mina again. She’d never felt like this before, never ached to be near someone. It went against everything she told herself she was, and everything her parents told her not to be. She didn’t want that to matter right now, though. She could figure out the complicated stuff tomorrow, when her head was on right. 

Bex opened the front door to Morgan’s as quietly as possible as she held on to Mina’s hand, slipping inside with her. It was quiet, but she knew Morgan and Deirdre rarely slept. Bex felt as if she’d slept too much these past few days, but it was getting better. And she somehow figured she’d sleep really well tonight. “C’mon,” she murmured, “we can watch in my room. There’s a TV in there.” 

It was nice, Mina thought, to be the one teasing instead of getting teased. “Yes, well, I don’t think I’m the only biased one here, so.” She was beginning to recognize the feeling she felt as something akin to being mildly intoxicated, which was actually quite impossible, since she’d barely had one drink, and she didn’t start feeling anything for a bit. But that was the only comparison that she had to draw from that wasn’t violent, and so maybe she needed to worry about that. If she was feeling buzzed off of one drink, something might possibly be wrong. Unless this wasn’t that at all. In which case, she was confused. Bex’s hand was warm on Mina’s knee. She kind of wanted to kiss Bex again. “See? I was worried. Three more movies is not nearly enough dino content.” She could barely remember what happened through the first movie because she and Bex definitely ended up falling asleep. 

Mina let Bex lead her inside, trying to be quiet. Really, what she should do is excuse herself for a bit and go to the pool; since Bex had woken up, Mina hadn’t been able to go in the water and just stay there for extended periods of time like she used to. It was hard to do such things with a human in the house who would definitely notice a water nymph hanging around the pool, especially if that water nymph was actually someone that she spent time with. Instead, she followed after Bex, saying, “I’m right behind you.” It was fine. She could always just soak in the tub later.

Bex could list all the reason this was a bad idea off the top of her head, if she’d wanted to. But she didn’t. Maybe it was time for her to just make all those bad decisions that had been hiding themselves inside of her. It wasn’t like there was anyone to tell her not to. There was no one around that would stop her, or tell her she shouldn’t, or tell her this wasn’t the way she should be acting. There was only her wants and her needs and everything else be damned, she wanted to feel good for once. Even if none of it stuck tomorrow, she wanted tonight to stay. She didn’t want these feelings to end, this emotional high she was riding. She led Mina up to her room and closed the door, turning around to face her. She didn’t move to turn on the TV, but instead reached up to smooth down the collar of Mina’s shirt. “I’ll um,” she started, but her heart was hammering in her chest again and she was sure Mina could hear it, “I’ll put on the movie, if you want to just--” she paused, looking into her eyes-- “sit on the bed.” On her bed. In her room. The one and only other time she’d ever had someone alone in her room like this it had turned out catastrophic. Turned her entire life upside down and dumped her here, stuck under the scrutiny of her parents’ thumb. Would this turn out like that? She really hoped not. She still hadn’t moved, she needed to move. She didn’t want to move. 

One of Bex’s hands was on the collar of Mina’s shirt. It was a bit distracting, not unlike the hand on her knee or literally any time Bex had touched her at all over the period of the entire night. It was always a shock, whenever people touched her so carefree, something she’d only started getting somewhat used to since coming to White Crest, and Bex did it a lot, and it was lovely, really, it was, but it was also so distracting, and how did people think like this, anyway? She managed a teasing smile, very little thought required. “Right, of course, I can go sit on the bed.” One of Bex’s hands was on the collar of Mina’s shirt. Mina squeezed the other one from where it was still firmly laced with hers. “As soon as you let go?” Just like earlier, it felt good to tease, to have fun, to not have to be so serious or nervously, anxiously energetic. Mina had a lot of energy, all the time, far too much of it, really. She’s always wondered if that was a Fae thing, a desire to always be getting into something, causing mischief, running away. She’d assumed that any sort of mischief had been carefully and methodically worked out of her system years ago. It was nice to know that it wasn’t. She moved closer to Bex. “Or we could just stand here?”

Bex could feel her entire body warming up. The blush from cheeks was spreading to her entire face, perhaps even down her neck and to her chest where her heart pounded against her ribs. Mina was closer now and Bex heard blood rushing through her ears. “Right,” she agreed, not looking down at their intertwined hands at all, “I just have to...let go.” It felt as if the words were meant for more than just referring to their hands. Just let go. Of everything that had been holding her back up until this moment. Just let go, of all the pain and hiding and denial. Just let go, of pleasing everyone else before herself. Just let go. But she didn’t let go of Mina. Instead she dug her hand into Mina’s shirt again, fingers bunching up cloth, and tugged her closer. If this was the only night she got to feel this way, to be this way, then she wanted to make sure she used every opportunity to have it. “Or you could kiss me again,” she suggested quietly, “while we stand here.” Her voice was wavering, but she’d never felt more sure about anything, about what she wanted. “Because I kinda don’t want to let go.” 

They were just standing there in front of the door, facing each other, and all Mina could think was, Oh. There wasn’t much else going on in her head except for that and the fact that, why, yes, she could kiss Bex. She could just lean in-- not far, they were already so close-- and kiss her, and, wow, okay, yeah. She could do that. So she did that, leaning in slowly but surely, one hand tightening a bit on Bex’s while the other moved to Bex’s hair. Kissing Bex made Mina feel warm and light and fuzzy, all kinds of soft feelings that she felt would turn her into a puddle if she lingered too long. Maybe this was what happened to nixies when they got so happy they just died from it; they turned into a puddle of water and soaked back into the earth. But she didn’t particularly want to stop, not yet, not when she didn’t really know if she was going to be able to keep doing this. Nice things didn’t stay. Bex could wake up the next day and laugh in Mina’s face, but, really, if she could just enjoy this moment, for a moment, maybe that could be enough. It’d make this whole wanting thing worth it. When they both seemed to need to breathe she pulled away, her hand still in Bex’s hair. She had such soft hair. She ran her hand through it, unable to keep the uncertainty out of her voice. “Ah, good?”

Was it supposed to feel this good? It wasn’t supposed to feel this good. This wasn’t supposed to feel good. But, god, did it ever. It felt so good. Bex didn’t want to stop, even to breath. She wanted to keep kissing Mina, with their hands intertwined and Mina’s hand in her hair and Bex’s hand bunching up her shirt. Or maybe she’d be okay with moving somewhere else, as long as they kept kissing. She didn’t care about watching a movie anymore, or pretending like she wanted to watch a movie. When Mina pulled away, Bex stayed close, leaning into her. “Good,” she exhaled breathlessly, hoping to quell the uncertainty in MIna’s voice, “really good.” So good, in fact, she didn’t really want to keep talking about it. So she just leaned in again and pretended like they’d never stopped in the first place, gently prodding Mina to walk back towards the bed. She unfurled their hands in order to get a better grip on Mina as she kissed her and she pretended like nothing else in the world mattered. Because, really, it didn’t. It simply didn’t. Not right now. There wasn’t even that strange, growing dread in her stomach like last time she’d kissed a girl this much. There wasn’t even that little voice in the back of her head telling her this was wrong. This was just...all that mattered. All that she cared about. All that she wanted. And god damnit, she was going to take it. 

Mina allowed Bex to back her up towards the bed, using her recently freed hand to feel around behind her to make sure that she didn’t just hit it and fall over. Nothing about kissing should be this interesting and overencompasing and so much, but Mina felt stupid with it, giddy with it. Her hand hit the bed, followed by her knees, and she rocked forward, winding both hands into Bex’s hair, unable and unwilling to break away. Could she keep this, please? Just for a bit? She’d like this for a moment, maybe longer, maybe two moments, something that could last long enough for her to know that it was real. Because things like this were usually fake, and that was fine, really! She was used to it. Mina just didn’t think she deserved nice things. This was kind of a given, but she wanted them, and she wanted this, her fingers in Bex’s hair. And it seemed so real, and it just kept going on. She brushed the side of Bex’s face with her thumb. Eventually, she broke away briefly, momentarily, because she needed to breathe, before kissing Bex again. And again. And again. 

Bex would have believed this was a dream, had she not been able to feel Mina’s hands in her hair. Her lips against her own. This had to be a dream, though, right? For so long, Bex had been so afraid of dreaming again. Of being in that place again. But if this was what was there this time, then maybe she didn’t mind so much. No, she definitely didn’t mind at all. Mina’s knees hit the bed and their progress stopped and in the back of Bex’s head she knew they should stop for a moment to adjust, the tinge of pain in her chest reminding her why, but she didn’t want to. Not yet. Just a second longer. Just a little more. Her chest heaved after a moment and she had to pull back to breath. Her face was on fire and, actually, her entire body felt like it was on fire. She prodded Mina to sit back on the bed and climbed up next to her, breathing heavily. She leaned back in, brushing her lips against Mina’s gently while she still struggled to breath through the pounding in her chest. She didn’t want this to end, and more than that, she didn’t want Mina to leave. Sleep didn’t seem so hard with Mina around. And maybe if she never left, it would mean that this wouldn’t have to end. “Will you stay with me?” she asked under her breath, forehead pressed to Mina’s. “Just...for the night?” 

There was a distinct lack of a lot going on in Mina’s head. She almost always had something going on, too much, really. Don’t do anything stupid. Don’t embarrass yourself. Don’t let anyone see what you are. Be on guard. Remember what you’re doing in class tomorrow. A thousand numbers and phrases and reminders going off all the time, like the reminder that she really shouldn’t stay the night, that she should go relax for a bit, that she should go and sit on the bottom of the floor and think very intensely about what was happening. But Mina didn’t get that reminder. Instead, there was just Bex, and the feeling of Bex’s lips on hers, and the way their foreheads were pressed together. “Yeah, yes, I can stay tonight.” She could absolutely stay the night. Now that the option was there, she clearly, very much wanted to stay the night. Even if she was mildly uncomfortable and had to make up for it later, she wanted this. So much. She didn’t even really know how to comprehend how much she wanted it. Her brain still wasn’t working as well as it should be. Still, she knew enough to ask, “Are you okay?”

Whatever signals Bex’s brain usually gave her that something was probably a bad idea, or that she wasn’t supposed to do something, were completely shut off right now. In fact, her mind was barely functioning, because all of her concentration was on Mina’s eyes and her lips and trying to calm down her own, rapid heartbeat. Her cheeks were warm, so warm, and Mina’s hands were still holding her face and she pressed into Mina’s palm, because what else was she supposed to do? They were so soft and comforting. She drew in a breath, held it for a moment. She needed to calm down, but how was she supposed to do that, when they were still so close and Mina had said she’d stay. She nodded, perhaps a bit more hastily than she should have. “I’m okay,” she insisted, and she was. Really, she was. She looked up into Mina’s eyes, then. “But you-- you’re sure?” she managed to stutter, hands still buried in the cloth of her shirt. She knew the answer, she did, but she had to make sure. Had to make sure this was real and her mind wasn’t tricking her, and then once she was sure, maybe her heart would stop pounding out of her chest and she could kiss Mina again. She clung to her as if she was the only thing keeping her grounded right now, and if she let go, she would simply fall through the Earth and cease to exist. “You’ll stay?” And maybe she was asking too much, but hadn’t she suffered enough? Didn’t she, too, deserve something nice? 

“Yes, absolutely sure. Really, really sure, actually,” Mina said. Bex’s hand was still clutching her shirt, and she was so close, and, really, what else could she possibly say? The thought of leaving and going back to her room or the pool or just being anywhere that wasn’t in that room, in that moment, seemed impossible. If Mina wasn’t Fae and didn’t know any better, she would think that Bex was a leanan-sidhe with poisonous, perfect kisses, stripping Mina of any ability to want to do anything else. She should have known, probably, what this feeling was, that tightness that had been growing in her chest, warm and painful and happy, since she’d first started really talking to Bex. And she had, but it hadn’t solidified until she felt Bex’s lips on hers? She didn’t think so. She’d never been taught what to do with this. She’d never been taught how to handle this kind of good hurt. She leaned forward again, and gave Bex a soft kiss, gentle and lingering for only a moment before pulling away again. “I want to stay tonight, as long as you want me to.” She moved one of her hands from Bex’s face and held out her pinky. I am not saying the words, but this is proof that I mean this. I mean this. I mean this. 

“Of course I want you to stay,” Bex exhaled, nuzzling into Mina’s hand still on her face. “I want you to stay.” She felt more words bubbling up in her throat, begging to be let out. I want you, I want you, I want you. Words she’d thought a million times over, words that someone else had heard her think. But she swallowed them down, because they scared her. It absolutely frightened her, the prospect of happiness. Instead, she held up her own hand and locked pinkies with Mina and she meant it. She meant it. She wanted nothing more than to make sure this lasted as long as possible. So with their pinkies hooked, she leaned forward again and kissed her and poured all of her thoughts into the action. Whatever the world held for them tomorrow, they could figure it out, then. This was all that mattered. This, just this. This and only this. She pulled Mina with her as she laid back on the bed and finally moved her hands from Mina’s shirt, circling them around Mina’s shoulders and pulling her closer. If that was possible. She was staying, she was staying, she was staying. It was hard to believe. People didn’t stay. But Mina was staying. And Bex wanted her to stay. And her stomach felt tight, and warm, and floaty all at the same time. It was nothing like the last time she’d kissed a girl. Mina was nothing like her. She could trust Mina. She could want Mina. She pulled away after a moment and looked up into Mina’s eyes. “I--” she started, but stopped, words bubbling in her throat, “tonight was-- I just want to tell you…” took a breath, “T-word. For tonight. I-- I really liked it. Being with you. Out. Being out with you.” She was beginning to feel her nerves build up again. She needed to shut up. Her hands shook again and she shut herself up by pulling Mina back down to her and smothering her own lips. She should’ve done this sooner, she realized. Why hadn’t she done this sooner?

Then it was simple. Mina would stay. She’d do anything to hold onto this moment for as long as she possibly could. She squeezed Bex’s pinky with hers while they kissed, the promise of it lacing in her stomach. She could feel it in the way that Bex kissed her, in the way that she kissed back, and it was comforting in a way that promises rarely were. She could enjoy this. This wasn’t something to fear. It wasn’t a weight bearing down on her chest, something cold and metallic in the back of her throat like a reminder. It was solid, and real, and okay. Smiling against Bex’s lips, Mina wrapped one arm around Bex and got close, using the other to prop herself up. She pulled away, breathing heavy. “You really don’t have to thank me, you know. Or, even, not thank me, in this case. I really liked it, too.” She had to get it all out quickly, as quickly as possible. “I always like hanging out with you, whether we’re doing something like tonight at the falls or just drinking tea and watching movies. I’m not very good with saying these things, but-- but--” But she kissed Bex again, and, really, that was just as good as words, right? It seemed to be working pretty effectively for both of them, so far. And, sure, she knew that eventually they would get tired and need to breathe, but that was later. This was now.

But what, Bex wanted to ask, but what? But, well, that would require breaking the kiss, and why would she do that? She could ask later, when she had to breathe. Or maybe she just wouldn’t ask at all. Maybe they didn’t need to talk anymore. Hadn’t they spent all night talking? Maybe they could do with talking less, even if words tried to fight their way onto Bex’s tongue. It was just nerves, when she got nervous, she just started talking. She didn’t want to do that here. She wanted to just do this. But when they broke to breathe once more, she couldn’t help it. Her hands went up to Mina’s face, cupping her jaw, thumbs brushing her now rosy cheeks. “But I wanted to,” she huffed, her breaths coming up heavy, “I want to. You won’t let me say it, anyway.” She smiled, she couldn’t help it. She always smiled around Mina. “I like spending time with you, too. Doing anything,” her words got quieter, “but I think...I really like doing this.” But what? She still wanted to ask. She strained a bit to move herself up to press a soft kiss to Mina’s lips, lingering, before she laid back down. “But what?”

“‘Course I won’t let you say it,” Mina said, her eyes closing without her really wanting them to as she leaned in to Bex’s touch. “Saying thank you is like,” she paused, thinking it over, “it’s like owing something. Some even find it offensive, but it’s more about the owing of something. It’s saying ‘I thank you for this thing and owe you a favor’ for it, which can be something you don’t want, right? And you don’t owe me anything, ever.” She looked up briefly and smiled, and, when Bex kissed her again, she hummed in the back of her throat, not really realizing that Bex said something when she pulled away and Mina realized she needed to say something. Her eyebrows furrowed. “But what?” What ‘but what?’ What did ‘but what’ have to do with anything? Oh. Wait. “I’m not very good at saying these things, or any things, really without getting it all mixed up, sometimes, but I mean this. I like doing this. I really-- fuck.” She didn’t say that often, old habits of always being so careful of what she said hard to shake off. “I really like this, being with you, spending time with you.” She leaned over and kissed Bex because she couldn’t not, propping herself on her arms. She pulled away just a bit, her eyes tightly closed. Her voice felt rough as she said, “I’m so happy around you, and I don’t know what to do about that. I’ve never been like this before.” It was concerning. It was terrifying. It was really, really nice.

The words were strange. Bex had spent her entire life owing people things. She’d never realized the innocuousness of the words, either. How they could be said in kindness and taken in maliciousness. “Okay,” she answered quietly, “I won’t say it.” Even if she knew she wouldn’t mind owing Mina. Even if she knew she’d do anything for Mina. Bex did her best to look up into Mina’s eyes as she spoke, feeling her heartbeat increasing with each word Mina said. Even let out a small giggle when Mina cursed, biting her lip. She let her hands brush into Mina’s hair gently before coming back around to smooth down the front of her shirt again, palms flat. Bex licked her lips, felt her heart beating in her throat. “You could just...keep doing this? Because...I like being around you, too. You make me happy, or make me feel like everything’s going to be okay. That one day...I’ll be okay.” It was terribly, horribly frightening, that prospect. That one day Bex could be truly happy. That one day, maybe, she didn’t have to live her life in debt to someone else. That one day, maybe her life would be her own. That maybe Morgan was right, she did deserve to be happy. Gently, she prodded Mina to sit up again, still staying close to her. She moved them so that they were laying properly in the bed now, and curled up beside her, moving the hair from her face. “We can just...have this. Can’t we?”

“If you want to say it, you can, but I won’t accept,” Mina said quietly. “As I’ve said, it’s better to appreciate things, or to be grateful, or to simply do something in return. An equivalent exchange, right? That’s always better. It’s harder to twist those things, make them ugly. I’d never do that, though, even if you said ‘thank you.’ I’d never, I p-- you know.” She was having trouble focusing again, but she did her best to remain in the moment, to keep listening, to not get lost inside her head or heart over what she wanted versus what she feared could possibly happen. Honestly, if she woke up from this at the bottom of the pool, she was going to scream. “I could, quite honestly, keep doing this, yes. Easily. I’d really like it.” Is she allowed this? Can she please keep this? Mina felt a bit like she was going to shatter at the thought that Bex wanted this just as much as she did. It hurt, but in a good way, like when something was healing, and it was settling back into the right position, and that made it hurt, but it’d all be better as long as it got the chance to heal. “We can have this,” she said, laying down but never looking away from Bex. You deserve such good things, and I would like to give them to you if I can. She pulled Bex’s hands to her lips as she nodded. “We can have this.”

“I never really...thought about it that way,” Bex said quietly, “and, well, I appreciate you. But you already know that. Right?” she looked up into her eyes, pleading with her quietly, to say that yes, she did, she knew that. “I know you wouldn’t. Do that to me. I know.” She leaned in closer, kissing her softly, as if punctuating her statement that she knew. She knew Mina would never hurt her like that. She knew. And maybe that, even if she did, she would forgive her. When she pulled away again, she stayed close by, close enough to feel the warmth of Mina’s breath. She let her pull her hand up to her lips and felt something flood through her entire body. It was a strange sense of peace. It made her entire body relax as she realized that, in this moment, there wasn’t a single thing in the world that could hurt her. Not her magic, not her parents, not the world in her sleep that kept threatening to take her back-- not even the thing that caused the scabs on her chest. Mina was safe. She let out a long breath, then, and decided everything was okay. She moved her hand to intertwine her fingers with Mina’s again, before she moved herself forward, and nestled against Mina’s chest, sighing. “I’m so grateful for you, Mina,” she whispered against her chest, eyes already growing tired.

You say that now, but you could change your mind, and I absolutely wouldn’t even blame you, not with everything that I keep from you, Mina thought, but she just smiled. “I appreciate you, too. That feels like a given, at this point.” The world was round, the ocean was dangerous, and Mina appreciated Bex Ochsenstein. These were some of the well-known facts of the universe. She couldn’t imagine her life anymore without Bex in it. It wasn’t that she didn’t remember life outside of the other girl; she did. Every scar was a lesson, every lesson refused to properly fade from her brain, even though she was trying to change and be better. She still had that training, and she still had school, and she still had the whole getting better at ‘being a person’ thing that she tried to work on with varying degrees of success. But being with Bex kind of… made all of that sort of fade into the background sometimes. It was still there, but it wasn’t the most important thing. Being in this moment with Bex was the most important thing, and that was so utterly scary as much as it was comforting. Mina wrapped her arms around Bex and moved up to rest her chin on top of Bex’s head. Quietly, she said, “Ich genieße jede sekunde mit dir.” Sometimes, things were easier when they were harder for other people to understand.

As her eyes drifted closed, Bex realized that this feeling in her chest was a brand new one. Mina’s arms were wrapped around her, and it was with a startle that she realized she’d never had this before. She’d never felt safe in someone’s arms before. Safe and warm and comforting. She supposed that was partially her own fault-- she didn’t usually get this close to people, and even then, she rarely let them hug her or hold her. And she understood, ultimately, that Morgan’s arms would never hurt her. And though they brought her comfort, she was too used to arms and hands meaning pain, false comfort, punishment. But no, not here, not now. Not in Mina’s arms. Her heart had finally settled, even if Bex still felt as if she were floating. Both floating and grounded all at once. She pressed in closer to Mina and let out a sigh, moving to rest one of her hands on Mina’s side. She heard the words but they were foreign to her ears. Still, somehow, she understood enough of their meaning. Their intent. “I know,” was the last thing she murmured before she fell asleep, softly and soundly and knowing, for once, that she would wake up alright.

[phantomrose96]

Pyramid Scheme

Spoilers for the end of the series!

--

“Fullmetal, I have a question for you.” Roy tilted his head in Edward’s not-quite-direction, in an approximated attempt to face Edward while he spoke. Roy was in fact facing the window just beside Edward, milky eyes catching the full force of the setting sun. It didn’t bother him. He had no way of telling the sun was even there, save for the soft warmth that filtered through the hospital window. “It’s not an easy question. You can decide to ignore me if you want. Responding to me isn’t an order.”

“…Even if it was an order, who’s gonna make me follow it? I’m not military anymore, Colonel.” Edward lowered the newspaper in his hands, folding it absently at his side. The rustle alerted Roy to Ed’s proper position, and he corrected the angle of his nothing eyes to stare Edward down directly.

“I doubt they’ve processed your paperwork yet. It’s not a simple process. And it’ll be months at least until you’re a private citizen again.”

“Find me one government employee with enough free time right now to care.” Edward eased his weight off his left foot, leaning harder against the hospital wall. The doctor had warned him it would be months before he would be able to carry himself normally on that leg. That hadn’t done much to deter Edward. It was already a breeze compared to his automail recovery. “I think they’re too busy rebuilding the entire government from ashes right now.”

“Fair point.”

“Ask the question, Colonel.”

“Hmm?”

“Ask it anyway. Now I’m curious.”

“You sure?”

“Doesn’t mean I’m gonna answer it. Just ask.”

“Sure. The question… It’s a question I’ve been asking several people, now that I have the luxury to ask it.”

“Out with it.”

“Why didn’t you run?”

“Sorry?”

“Why didn’t you run away, Fullmetal?”

“From what exactly?”

“From Amestris.” Roy’s hand moved, pawing at the air, until it connected with the back of the waiting room couch. He lowered himself into it, out of the dipping sun, which prickled too hot for comfort. “As I understand it you were missing and presumed dead for months before the Promised Day. Kimblee never found you. And you knew what was going to happen – you were the one who discovered the country-wide transmutation circle. And you had no plan to stop it. So I just want to know – why didn’t you run away?”

Edward said nothing. It stretched out the silence between them, until Mustang could hear nothing but the buzzing of the lights above. They were lights he couldn’t see, and Edward’s was a face he could no longer read.

“Forget I asked, Fullmetal.”

“I considered it.”

“You did?”

“I mean, it would be nice if I could stand here and say that I never considered it. But I did. In fact, I planned around it, at one point.” Edward eased his weight back onto his left foot, trying it again, trusting it to hold him. Longer now, this time. Just a bit longer than before. “We had Greed on our side, but he wasn’t much help when it came to making a plan. If anything, I think he dampened my spirits a bit. He was the strongest member of our group and even then he was only a lackey to Father. Anything he could do would be dwarfed by that bastard’s power. And if that was the case, what could I do to stop him? Or any of what was going to happen on the Promised Day? I wasn’t a god, or a philosopher’s stone, or a homunculus. I was just some naïve human, who couldn’t save even one little girl.”

“Nina.”

“Of course Nina. I thought about her every day leading up to the Promised Day, because I had nothing better to do when all I could do was just, hide away, try not to be found.” Edward curled his right hand. It ached, almost like the tendons had rusted from disuse. They strained under the skin. “And I doubted more and more that I had any power to stop this at all. Just me, Greed, and two chimeras. No plan and no tricks up our sleeves. I started to think it was arrogant of me to have ever thought that me and Al could have stopped Father. What could I give of myself that would equal the value of saving a whole country? Nothing, really. Just one person doesn’t have that power. And I started to wonder, really, if we’d all just been doomed from the start.”

“This was while you were in hiding, right? While you were separated from Alphonse.”

“Yeah, and I had no idea you or the Briggs forces or Hohenheim or anyone else had anything planned to fight this. Just me, and two dead-man chimeras, and a half-wit homunculus. …I really did think about running. I made a list of the people in my head, who I cared about most, who I thought I could maybe contact in time, and warn, and get them to flee. If that was the best I could do, maybe I could run from this country with them and never look back.”

“How many people?”

“Hmm?”

“On your list.”

“…A few dozen. I thought maybe I could get it to the hundreds if I stretched myself thin enough. Maybe the best one small human could do is to protect just the people I could reach. But I doubted myself. Every step of the planning process. I saw how quickly that plan fell apart. It wouldn’t work.”

“And why’s that?”

“Because even if I could gather up everyone I cared about and tell them the country is doomed, then each of them would have their own loved they can’t leave behind. The people they want to protect. And then all of those people have loved ones too they can’t leave behind. And that web spreads, and it grows, until inevitably, it would reach everyone in Amestris. And like that I’d be right back to saving the whole country once more.”

Roy said nothing immediately. Until he bowed his head forward, and let out a laugh that shook his whole body. “Sounds almost like a pyramid scheme, Fullmetal,” he remarked.

“Well I didn’t ask for your opinion on that, Colonel. And fact of the matter is I was proven right.” Edward moved his weight back to his right knee, which sent a dull ache through his spine. Moving any part of his body seemed to do that. So he conceded, and lowered himself into the chair across from Mustang. “I tried, sort of, you know. Seeing if I could act on this. I told Winry to get out of Amestris, and run while she still could.” Edward laughed, a small noise. “And she told me no. Not without saving everybody. That was her web, the people she needed to save if she was going to save herself. One degree of separation, and this pyramid scheme already covered the whole country.”

Edward straightened. “And I was also right about the fact that I couldn’t save everyone. With my hands, and my effort, and my intervention, I could only work to protect a few. But they were people who protected others, and who in turn protected others… You, me, Al, the Lieutenant, General Armstrong, the Briggs soldiers, Buccaneer, Fu, Mei, Lanfan, Ling, Greed, the Chimeras, Scar, the Ishvalans, your men, the Central soldiers who sided with us, Hohenheim… and the country’s worth of souls in him. It was that web, and all the branches on it, that reached out and spanned the whole country, don’t you think? Not me. Not any one of us. But all of us, together.”

“You know, Fullmetal,” Roy leaned forward, elbows braced to his knees. He stared unseeing at the ground. A clock ticked above him, and he smiled. “that concept you’re describing, it’s something that someone once pitched to General Hughes a long time back. I think it amused him. He’s the one who’d called it a pyramid scheme at the time, but I don’t think he was dismissing it. I think he believed in it.”

“Did he?” Edward watched the Colonel from the corner of his eye, trying to parse the smile on Roy’s face. “I would expect this to be the sort of thing an alchemist believes in, and he didn’t care much for that.”

“And what does this have to do with alchemy?”

“Equivalent exchange. To try to have one person save a million lives doesn’t work. One person can’t scrounge up enough value to trade for a million people. But maybe one person can protect a few, if he gives more of himself, if those few offer to protect him in turn, and protect the ones around them, until it’s equivalent, and balanced. It’s not a pyramid. It’s a network of connected points that all circle back together, that flow in all directions, that span everyone and everything equally.”

“It sounds like you’re describing a transmutation circle, Fullmetal.”

“Yeah, but one that works on our own terms. Not on god’s terms, or science’s terms, but on ours. The laws it follows are our own. On humanity’s terms.”

There came a click from the door. A woman garbed in white stepped out with a clipboard in hand. “Edward Elric?”

Edward pushed himself standing again. “That’s me.”

“The doctor is ready to see you.”

Edward nodded, and moved forward, and gave Mustang a gentle knock on the shoulder as he passed.

The door shut, and silence draped over Mustang once more, as all-encompassing as the darkness around him.

But it wasn’t as lonely as before. There was a warmth to the room that Mustang dwelled on, a heat that felt like comfort rather than destruction. A connectedness, that included him alongside everyone else. Not as the isolated peak of a pyramid, but just a piece of the larger flow.

The room was empty now. But Mustang didn’t feel like it was.

[smirkingsolo]

Orpheus: A Reylo Story (Chapter 2: That’s Dagobah for You)

The World Between Worlds Reylo Fix it fic you’ve been craving since TROS ripped out your still beating heart and crushed it to death.

Canon-compliant, universe-plausible, multi-chapter

Find previous chapters over on my AO3 (Rinnagirl) at https://archiveofourown.org/works/21984730/chapters/52460923

Or here: Prologue, Chapter 1

Your comments, likes, reblogs, kudos, etc. mean the absolute world to me!

Chapter 2: That’s Dagobah for You

Ben knows she’s coming.

When they boarded the Falcon back on Jakku, he’d attempted, once again, to steer the ship, but the Falcon wouldn’t have it. Instead he was forced to sit back and wait to see where this godforsaken ghost freighter would take them. Irritating as it was to not be in control, Ben had a feeling the Falcon knew where they should go. So he chose, much to his chagrin, to trust his father’s ship to take him to where he needed to be to find Rey.

He regretted his choice the moment he stepped off the craft and nearly tumbled face first into a swamp.

“Unbelievable,” Ben mutters to himself, gripping a nearby tree root using to balance himself as he yanks his other boot out of some muddy hole that has swallowed it. The third time such a thing has happened since disembarking on Dagobah no more than an hour ago.

Leia has already scaled a nearby fallen trunk and is smirking down at her frustrated son with an almost illegally gleeful look. She is enjoying being young again.

“Something the matter?” She smiles at him, the picture of innocence. Ben glares at her.

“I can’t believe she’s found a worse place to go than the middle of the damned Jakku desert.” 

The sand for swamp trade isn’t suiting him well, and he imagines it won’t suit Rey, a lifelong desert dweller, well either.

Leia offers him a hand, tugging him up onto the trunk alongside her.

“Don’t worry, Ben, we’re getting close to something, I can feel it.”

He can tell that his Force powers are muted in this state, more so than the more experienced Leia's, forcing him to the frustrating realization of how much he relied on them to sense and move about in the world with grace and awareness. If anything, he had expected his Force sensitivity to be heightened by both his altered dimensional status and the natural Force connectedness of Dagobah. No such luck.

He mutters, half to Leia, half to himself, about how it doesn’t seem particularly fair that they can pass through people but not other solid objects like the building-sized tree root they are now required to climb over to continue deeper into this hell swamp. Though sweat, water, mud (so much mud), and the like appear to roll off them like raindrops, Ben feels there really ought to be more perks, and fewer sense-dulling drawbacks, to being a part of the World Between Worlds.

Alas, the predominant contribution of the World Between Worlds to their surroundings remains the smoky, dreamlike quality—something that has increased tenfold in the ethereal fog of the Dagobah swamplands. The poor visibility makes searching for a handholds more of a risk than Ben is entirely comfortable with, given that his normally sharp senses are dulled.

“Ben.” He looks up to where his mother is steadying herself, clutching a thick, mossy vine. “Try a different vine.”

“Why?” He blinks at her, bemused, hand half a beat from closing around a sturdy-looking vine.

“That’s a vine snake, Ben.”

Kriffing swamp.

“That’s Dagobah for you.”

Ben and Leia both startle at the familiar voice, Ben nearly tumbling off the root as he whirls to face the Force spirit of his old master.

“Luke!” Leia exclaims in delight; “I would hug you if I could, but I don’t know if I can touch a Force spirit any more than I can a regular person.”

Luke offers his sister a sad smile, “No, I don’t think so. But if Ben succeeds—and I’m sure you will, Ben, by the way—you and I will be reunited again soon.”

Ben is silent, as unsure what to say to his old master as he was in the moment of Luke’s apparent betrayal at the temple all those years ago.

He knows Luke can sense his hesitation.

“I know you need time before you can even begin to forgive me, Ben. I failed you as a master, and as an uncle, even in death. I wasn’t there on Exegol when you needed me, but next time I will be. I promise you.”

Ben can only nod. His parents are one thing, forgiving them came naturally, even if it hurt. But his master could have appeared to him when he was clinging to Rey, looking around wildly, desperate for someone, anyone, to guide him, to help him save her. He’d sensed Luke—Luke and all the Jedi of the past—above him as he had climbed back towards Rey. But by the time he made it, they were gone. They’d abandoned him. Left him once again when he needed them. Needed him. It was too fresh, too new a wound to mend right now.

Luke’s face falters, sensing what Ben cannot say aloud, but he nods and Ben returns the gesture. An unspoken agreement that they will revisit this in time.

“There is someone else who wants to speak with you.”

*****************************************************************************************************

She knows it wasn’t technically a lie, the claim that she needed to go to Dagobah to re-attempt her connection with past Jedi. She had told them that she needed to do so in order to learn how to construct a saber. Which was true. But it wasn’t the full truth.

She’d seen him. Seen Ben through the Force in her vision of his past self constructing his saber. And he had looked at her. Not up, not at the saber, not at anything in the vision, but beyond it and out to her. She could feel it.

After Ben faded into the Force, the one small comfort she had clung to whenever the loss of him overwhelmed her was the possibility that he might appear to her as a Force spirit, as Master Luke had done. But two months passed without a trace of him, ghost or otherwise. No matter how many nights she sat up til nearly dawn, deep in meditation, hands clutching the torn black shirt she’d carried back with her from Exegol, the sun would rise with no familiar pull in her gut, no hazy blue outline. And so she would curl in on herself and let the sobs shake her whole body. In those moments she allowed her sorrow to overwhelm her, beating against her in waves that left her paralyzed and powerless against the tide of her own emotions.

Master Luke had said that confronting fear was the destiny of the Jedi, but what about all of the other feelings? How was a Jedi meant to handle the consuming sorrow of loss, the harsh boil of anger, the deep pull of longing. How was anyone meant to handle such things?

A master would be useful during this time. But she would have to make do, have to figure some things out herself, as she always had.

When Luke spoke of his time training on Dagobah he’d explained how deeply intertwined the planet was with the Force, hence its appeal to Master Yoda. Logically, Force spirits could manifest wherever they desired, but highly Force connected locations like Dagobah and Ahch-To were ideal places to make contact. If there is anywhere that Ben might be able to appear to her, it will be deep in the swamps of Dagobah.

*****************************************************************************************************

When Ben reaches the bottom of the root, there is another Force spirit waiting for him. He looks back up to where Luke and Leia remain perched on the root above. Leia gives him an encouraging nod.

He knows it’s a silly thing, but he is genuinely relieved that Anakin Skywalker is not wearing the mask of Darth Vader. When Palpatine had admitted—bragged—about being every voice in Ben’s head, including his grandfather, something small and private in him had broken. He’d trusted the voice of Vader, of his own grandfather in his head telling him that the dark side was right for him. He had believed in Vader. Learning that it had all been just some other manipulator using his trust to control him had crushed Ben more than he cared to admit.

He is glad he can see Anakin Skywalker’s face. See his eyes. His father once told him that the eyes never lie. Granted he was talking about gambling, but it still applied. He remembers that it was the first thing to strike him about Rey. After years of lying eyes, hers were clear—open, emotive, and honest. He’d known, despite himself, that he trusted her the moment she looked at him.  

“Ben, I am so—” Sorry. Yes, I know. Everyone is so sorry. He’s getting tired of the apologies. The damage has been done already and no amount of apology can undo their actions any more than it can undo his. For once Ben wishes someone would say something, anything, other than so—

“—proud of you.”

“What did you say?”

“I’m proud of you, Ben.”

Stunned, he replies reflexively with the first thought in his mind.

“Why?”

“You turned your back on the dark side, on Palpatine, on the power to rule the galaxy. It’s no small thing; I should know.” He smiles.

Ben can only blink. Snoke had so often insisted that Vader had made an error in judgment when he turned, convinced him that the Vader looking down on him would only be proud of his grandson if he upheld Vader’s true legacy of conquest, darkness, and power. To Snoke, Vader was a mantle, not a man. But this isn’t Vader. This is Anakin Skywalker and Ben has no idea what to think of him.

“What was it...what first turned you to the dark side?” He is curious. As fixated as he has always been on his grandfather’s legacy, Ben realizes he knows very little of the man beyond Vader.

“The same as you, Ben. It was fear that first turned me to the dark. I feared losing those I loved, my wife, my family. I was afraid of being alone. Just as you were. You feared your parents didn’t love you. You felt abandoned, and the dark side thrives on that fear, Ben, on the ability to isolate you from those who love you. It teaches you to be jealous, possessive, and manipulative in order to take and keep what you want. But Ben, that is the fastest way to lose someone you love.”

He knows, deep down, what Anakin is speaking of. He’d told Rey in Snoke’s throne room, when he first pleaded with her to join him, that she was nothing, though not to him. It didn’t make a difference if he thought it was true, if it was his own way of telling her she mattered to him; it was manipulative. He’d sought to remind her that she was alone, that she didn’t belong anywhere if not with him in the hope that it would draw her to his side. Every time he’d attempted to turn her to the dark side he’d relied on honing that feeling of loneliness inside her, preying upon it, making her feel she had no choice but to join him. Just as Snoke had done to him.

He knows it was wrong. It had felt wrong even then and it gnawed at him still that he’d turned the very thing that ruined him against the first person to show him compassion. The moment she told him, on the wreck of the Death Star with the sea raging around them, she had wanted to take his hand, wanted to take Ben’s hand, he realized such a tactic was worthless on someone like Rey—Rey with her guileless eyes and her unrestrained faith in him. Manipulation was for people who were too afraid to trust others choose them, to care about them naturally. It had been his weapon, his crutch, his defense for so long.

But everything about Rey scoffed at his master’s teachings on the necessity of manipulation in keeping someone in your life. She had thrown herself full force into reaching him, determined to dig out the good that she was so certain was inside him somewhere. She believed in him absolutely. It was almost miraculous. Rey had abandoned her initial hatred of him in favor of the possibility that the monster, Kylo Ren, was actually just a frightened, conflicted boy who needed help, needed someone to have real faith in him. She had locked on and refused to let go in a way that no one had ever done for him.

Rey had willed Ben Solo back into existence with sheer force of conviction. And somehow she had sorted the marrow of him from the Snoke-molded sham of fear that was Kylo Ren.

It had unbalanced him. Rey was a new creature, entirely other to him in her ways, someone who forced him to reckon with his own worth, his own self-respect, with the man he needed to be to get what he wanted. When he tried to manipulate her into joining him in the throne room, and again on the Death Star, she had given him a silent ultimatum. You can show me your real face now or you can die a coward in a mask of lies. But I will not allow you to have Ben Solo. You will not bury him back inside of Kylo Ren. Either you are Ben or you are not, but I will not take your hand if you are not. Ben Solo matters and you will not take him from me.

He knew, as he should have before he even tried, that Rey would resist any attempt to manipulate her to Kylo Ren’s side. There was only one way to Rey and that was trust. Kylo Ren didn’t know how to trust. But he was Ben Solo, and Ben Solo didn’t need to manipulate because he trusted Rey. He believed in her as absolutely as she had believed in him. And in the end, he knew that saved him from the dark.

Her light had exposed the lies he had come to accept. He knew the truth now. He didn’t need to be afraid, didn’t need the dark side to keep people in his life, because he knew Rey would never let him feel alone again.  

Ben is startled from his thoughts, brought back to the moment by the voice of Anakin.

“You’ve spent so much of your life preoccupied with carrying on my legacy, with finishing what I started. But I wonder if perhaps you’re closer to doing so now that you’ve ever been.”

“What do you mean?”

“I started on the path when I sacrificed my life for my son. By that time it was already too late for me. I had lost my chance to live the life I had always wanted. Thrown away what could have been a lifetime of joy with the love of my life and our children. Your redemption, like mine, will be valuable to those you leave behind, but to make it valuable to you it must be lived out in its entirety.  I believe you will have the opportunity to do what I could not. You can live a full life, Ben. You can finish what I started, succeed where I failed.”

Ben knows Anakin is waiting for a smile, a nod, any indication of excitement at the hopeful prospect. But a void of fear yawns within him.

“I don’t deserve that. I want it. More than I can say. My mother said I would need to spend my whole life earning it, which I don’t mind, but I...”

“Don’t know where to begin?” Anakin exhales the words, a soft sigh of one who has spent untold time pondering that very question. Wistful in a way that tells Ben just how much he understands Ben's situation.

Ben nods, eyes on his boots, his next words come out sounding small, full of childlike hesitation and sincerity, a tone that pleads for answers, for guidance. “Where would you have begun, if you had survived that day?”

Anakin is silent for a beat, though his answer was solidified long ago.

“With the ones I loved most. My children, the last traces of my beloved wife left in the world.”

Anakin’s sorrow is palpable, twisting thick in the air between them, a great coil of regret. Ben’s eyes prickle as Anakin's feeling cuts into his soul, forcing him to blink the burn of it away as Anakin offers him a watery smile.

“You can begin there too, Ben. The rest will follow in time. Great love saved you from the dark; it is the most steadfast path to the light. Once you reach the light, it is love for others, even just one other, that will hold you there. You will have the life I wanted because there is great love in you, Ben Solo. I can feel it.”

And Ben can feel something too. It swells in him, warm and familiar, climbing up his spine, humming in his toes and the tips of his fingers.

She’s here.

Next Chapter

Previous Chapter, Beginning

[satansagittarius]

🥠 2020 🥡

Changes:

🥟 I got a 2018 Nissan Sentra that I pay for myself and I can finally go everywhere

🥟 I gambled, I lost, I found myself again

🥟 My confidence is at an all-time high

🥟 I started going on dates for the fun of it when I used to take things too seriously, and it’s been a trip

🥟 I found my inner value of people coming and going, and I have absolutely loved everyone I’ve met in these last months

🥟 I lost a person who I thought would be in my life forever, but it was such a beautiful lesson about what I deserve or wished for, versus what I was actually getting. And even though it hurt to let them go, it’s better for me in the long run to have someone who truly puts effort into my being.

🥬 I realized I was trying to convince myself I am over them and don’t love them, and it was all fake.

🥬 Instead I realized I do love them more than anyone, anything, and it’s okay to love someone and let them go.

🥬 I can always hold them in my heart, but I have to love myself first and know what treatment I deserve. I wish it could’ve been them still every day.

🥬 This sat with me so much better than just ignoring my feelings. I realized it still could be them one day, but I don’t hope for it anymore because way too much would have to change. I instead just leave my heart to heal and be open to any possibility, and my mind to be prepared to evaluate whatever comes next.

🥬 Though I wanted this person to be my person, it seems as though they were a lesson. They taught me so much. They mirrored things I didn’t like about myself, taught me love existed, and also showed me how far I would go for someone I truly love. For example:

⚡️ We were long distance and it didn’t even phase me. I was so convinced we would figure it out, I didn’t mind not having someone physically if I got to fall asleep on the phone with him. Everyone, including him, would tell me to find someone close that could hold me but truth of the matter is is I fall in love with someone for who they are, not their convienence. As long as I fall in love with someone I just need their open, honest, communication and affection.

⚡️ I was willing to hash out any issues, and problems. I always wanted to fix things. In turn, loving someone so much hurts as well. His distance and silence crushed me, and I realized it was just because I wanted all of him and to actually share things / melt with someone else. I’d never felt like that before.

⚡️ Even though I didn’t mind the distance because I love him I realized I loved affection, and would always miss just his touch. I realized when I love someone all the things I miss are person specific, I’m completely devoted.

⚡️ I actually dreamt of a family and marriage and forever, for once! I just know it has to be with the right person.

🥟 I stopped caring what people thought of me, and only do things that make me happy

🥬 This was achieved by being really straight forward with my communication, stopped lying, said “no”, wouldn’t make promises or commitments I can’t keep

🥟 I started calling my mom just to say I love you

🥟 I got into a fist fight with my brother on Christmas which lead us to sit down and him actually listen to what I had to say. He’s started changing his life for the better and I’ve started to lean on him for support.

🥟 My hair is purple and I think that’s how it will stay

🥟 I don’t work at the salon anymore, they fired me for being unreliable when I stood up about not getting paid as much and refusing to cover shifts for the manager anymore. It was such a blessing.

🥟 I have 0 (ZERO!) unread texts, emails, notifications when my screen used to look like hundreds. It was an avoidance thing and sometimes it’s hard but I make myself read, respond, or delete them every morning.

Uncharted Waters

🍡 I failed every single class last semester, and had to own up to my parents. In turn, they loved me and told me I could slow down.

🍡 I don’t like just sitting at home anymore, I’d rather go out and explore and be with people

🍡 I deleted reddit off my phone as I was using it too much to try to explain situations, look at toxic things, etc etc.

🍡 I feel all my feelings now and it feels odd to check myself

🍡 I started owning up and apologizing for the way I’ve hurt people

🍡 I made boundaries for myself and sometimes it’s uncomfortable enacting them

🍡 I’m more quiet now, I don’t talk as much, and I think it’s because I found inner peace that doesn’t need to be fluffed with bullshit or unnecessary explanations on deaf ears

🍡 I found the beauty of humor and authenticity again. Vulnerability and softness, connectedness and honesty. I found the beauty of being as human and honest as can be.

🍋 Even though I’d love to say I’m a completely soft, gentle, being, I’ve also learned to absolutely love my firecracker anger, my excitedness, my loud and obnoxious traits. I’ve learned to appreciate my convictions and needs.

🍡 I truly love myself and am so confident in the way I look, act, and feel. I haven’t ever been like this and it’s crazy

🍋 I found that once I stopped thinking that everyone’s behavior was a direct reflection of my behavior, or my influence, I stopped judging myself and others as harshly. Everyone just needs understanding. And just because you understand, doesn’t mean you accept burning yourself to keep someone warm.

Random Bits

🍳 I took acid on NYE and saw Zeds Dead which made me melt

🍳 My NYE kiss was the first guy I ever really really really dug in college, but he ended up being unemotional so we separated

🥞 We planned to see Galantis together 5 years ago just to see Runaway (U & I) and haven’t able to find each other in 5 years. We were always at the same shows and couldn’t connect, and he found me right when Galantis asked if everyone was ready to Runaway. It was like the matrix!!

🥞 He apologized for everything and said he feels emotions now, and we told each other we’d always have a soft spot. He said he worries about me and since we’re neighbors (two houses down) he started bringing me little food and hanging out with me.

🥞 People can and should change, and now I have a beautiful friendship with him.

🍳 Scout, Vinh, and I are going to Montreal in February for the Rainbow Six Siege invitational and I’m STOKED

🍳 Noah came back into all our lives and I’ve missed him, and he, Scout, Conway and I have the beginning of a master plan to buy a trap house in Southern California.

🍳 I realized my dream job would be to be a NASA pilot and hit g force and go super fast and thrilling all the time.

🌶 This has not been anything I’ve wanted before, and it’s unattainable. But it felt good to realize a dream, a solid dream, for once.

🍳 I revitalized my passion in communication and the mind, and feel confident with my path. I love school again.

🍳 I’ve grown so much with astrology and even if I look like a witchy bitch it really helps point out the good and bad in me, and is a guideline (not predictor) for how to adjust.

🍳 Karma is real, and I’ve learned that even though I’m blessed with being extremely lucky, how much you gamble is how much you’re willing to lose. How high you climb is how far you can fall.

Xoxo, always 🌙✨

[funnycutcats]

How many cats are there in the UK? : Meow! Blog

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It will come as no surprise to moggy-lovers that cats are the most popular pets in the UK, just overtaking dogs to the top spot.

In fact, there are believed to be an incredible 11.1 million pet cats in the country, compared to 8.9 million pet dogs, with 25% of the adult population owning at least one kitty.

However, while we can pretty accurately identify the number of owned cats, there are many unowned stray and feral cats roaming the UK’s streets and countryside too, and they’re much harder to count. 

Counting the cat population 

To try to get a more accurate figure of the UK’s unowned cat population, Cats Protection launched the Cat Watch project in 2016.

We’ve been working closely with local communities to encourage them to report unowned cats, either via our Cat Watch app, Cat Watch Facebook groups or in person to our Cat Watch teams, so that we can ensure they are well cared for. We do this by working with cat caretakers in communities to get the cats neutered to prevent more unwanted cats being born, and either finding them new homes or supporting residents with the help they need to look after them.

The project began in Bulwell, Nottingham, an area identified as having a large unowned cat population, and has since expanded into Everton, Beeston in Nottingham and Houghton Regis in Bedfordshire with the hope that eventually it could be UK-wide.

Helping cats in Bulwell and Everton

Some of the Bulwell Cat Watch team

In Bulwell, the hard work of our Cat Watch team and the cooperation of local residents has meant that, to the best of our knowledge, no new kittens were born on Bulwell’s streets in 2018 – fantastic news for the community and its cats.

In Everton, the Cat Watch team received almost 1,000 reports of cats in the first 12 months of the project and were then able to get 262 cats neutered and find 88 of them new forever homes, with work ongoing to help even more stray and feral moggies in the area.

The team has also managed to change the attitudes of Everton’s local residents towards cats, as a survey has revealed a positive increase in their feelings towards neutering as a way to improve cat welfare and reduce antisocial cat behaviour.

More than half of residents felt that Cat Watch had had a positive impact on cats and on the Everton community, with many indicating that it had also increased their sense of wellbeing, confidence and connectedness within their community.

The adventures of Six Dinners Sid 

Within the Everton area, the Cat Watch team discovered one rather large cat who had acquired quite a following.

The grey-and-white moggy had been reported to them by local resident Jane, and after asking around to see if anyone knew where he came from, it was soon discovered that he had quite a few different carers and feeders! Jane and the team even managed to track his daily route around the neighbourhood, which involved several stops at different houses for food and cosy naps.

All of this roaming meant that he’d also acquired several different names from his many families; Terry, Smokie, Bear BB, Romeo, Cheeky Monkey, Mr Grey and Six Dinners Sid.

Shortly after his antics had been revealed, Sid became ill. His many carers all rallied together to get him the best possible treatment, but sadly his kidney disease was too advanced.

During this time, Jane took him into her home to give him all of the love and attention he needed, and when the time came for him to go, his entire family of carers gathered around him to say goodbye.

Jane said: “He was a huge cat with a large heart (and tummy!) and we all followed his adventures with relish. He was audacious, charismatic, greedy and fussy, demanding only the best fresh food, and could be grumpy if he didn’t get his own way. He was a true gentleman and ambassador for every community cat making their way out there.”

A new home for Tatty

Shortly after Sid had sadly passed away, Tatty the cat appeared in another Everton resident’s garden looking a little worse for wear.

He was reported to the Cat Watch team to see if his owner could be found, but he wasn’t microchipped and no one came forward to claim him.

The team them took him to the vet for a health check and neutering, where he was found to be badly matted, covered in ticks, have a small growth on his eyelid and need some dental work to make him comfortable again. He also tested positive for FIV, but as he was so friendly the vets were confident he could be rehomed to an indoor environment.

The Cat Watch team knew that Jane, Six Dinners Sid’s primary carer, was looking to adopt a new cat after saying goodbye to Sid, and so introduced her to Tatty. It was love at first sight, and it didn’t take Tatty, now renamed Bailey, very long to settle in to his new home.

Jane said: “Bailey’s a right cuddle monster. He’s enjoying being pampered and spoilt! He is so funny and so like Sid/Mr Grey when it comes to food! He knows where the food is kept and sat at the door until I opened it! He loves chicken and the smell of a roast, he sat watching us eat ours making snorting noises.”

To find out more about Cats Protection’s Cat Watch project, visit www.cats.org.uk/cat-watch

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[adam-driver-online]

ADAM DRIVER INTERVIEW IN ‘LITTLE WHITE LIES’ MAGAZINE

Your character, Jamie, has quite a manipulative approach to creativity. How much honesty do you think is necessary when it comes to filmmaking?

100 percent. When I first read the script the character that I identified the most with was Ben Stiller’s character, Josh. I see the benefit of discipline and in living with something for a long time even though the process is annoying, so it was tough for me to find a way in. I judge my own generation for appropriating items they have not lived with. There’s a benefit in boredom and not being so inter-connected and being alone with your thoughts and all those things. But Jamie, in the story, does create something from nothing and works fast. Josh has been labouring over the same thing for years and has, at a certain point, made what he’s working on way too precious and self-important and that’s also limiting whereas Jamie in a matter of days has created something. It’s up to everyone else to judge what that is but that ambition is an attractive quality in a person and getting off on the inter-connectedness of everything is not my first impulse but I see how that’s charming.

What is the trick to sitting with ideas for long enough that they mature but not so long that they fester?

That’s a tricky thing about acting that I don’t think I’ll ever figure out. There’s a danger in both. If there’s anything I rediscover any time I get to work on something, it’s not knowing an answer to anything. I try to practice that also in life as much as possible. Not knowing always leads to something more gratifying than feeling that you have the right answer. Obviously, you can’t skip steps and you should do the work. I don’t really have a set process or a certain way I have to do things. I also think it’s a mistake for me to have a way of working that I want to impose on everyone else, that I want them to adapt to. I always think that there’s so much information in not knowing a right answer.

Do you have any advice on developing self-discipline?

I don’t, no, not really. I was very fortunate in that I just was put in situations where I felt the benefit, whether it be running or anything, really. I actually hate having to go through the process. I want to jump to the answer right away and it seems like everything in life tells you that you have to slow down but I have no advice because I feel like it’s something that I will practice and rehearse until I die.

Is acting a job-for-life then?

I hope I get to do it for a life. There’s nothing else that I would rather do.

Do you think that it helps to ground you that you lived a different life before acting and celebrity?

I’ve just had different experiences, which have definitely helped shape who I get to be as an actor. What better acting training than being stuck in the military with a bunch of 18 or 19 year-olds who are just being crazy because they’re away from home and missing family or handling machine guns. We didn’t have any money, really, growing up and that’s a really great experience to have. It shapes you and you get to live life and have mistakes. Being raised in a small town in Indiana I’m so grateful for that experience even though at the time I couldn’t wait to get out.

Do you ever imagine what your younger self would have made of what you’re doing now?

I wouldn’t have been able to believe it. I was just thinking about this recently, not about acting, but it’s coming up on ten years that I’ve lived in New York. When I first moved to New York I had two big sea bags and they were just filled with clothes. I was living in Hoboken, New Jersey, in my uncle’s closet. He was living on the top floor of a house that didn’t have a kitchen. I stayed in his closet because that was the largest space on the ground to sleep. I stayed there for a couple of weeks until I found a room to rent from someone on Craigslist. I was walking to all the restaurants in that area, thinking, ‘I’ll just get a job and be a waiter and start school.’ I now have a really great group of friends and I get to make a living doing what I love to do and I get to travel, which is like a huge thing. I can’t imagine myself getting to go to Taiwan being from Mishawaka, Indiana.

What are the main differences between working on a small, indie film like While We’re Young and working on a massive, massive, massive movie?

The amenities around you are a little better on a big budget movie than they are on a smaller movie but it doesn’t really make a difference. It’s not like suddenly the catering is better on Star Wars than on While We’re Young and it’s going to make you a better actor. I was lucky that it was JJ Abrams directing Star Wars. He is someone, like Noah, or like the Coen Brothers or Scorsese, if it doesn’t make sense to the story or the characters then everything else is secondary. In that sense they are all the same. Something like Star Wars is maybe a little bit different because so many people have a frame of reference for that but as far as big budget or small budget, you just have to make sense and be real and be truthful.

Do you think being a hipster is an actual thing or is it a nonsense construction?

It’s probably a bit of both. There is kind of like a mindset of appropriating history but at the same time I don’t think anyone can really judge anybody or, certainly, label them as something. I don’t know what makes hipsters so I don’t know, I couldn’t tell you.

It seems like you’re wary of pop cultural trends.

Whenever a large group of people suddenly feel like, ‘We’re all going to do this thing’ there’s something in my DNA that never seemS to want to go that route. It just seems to close you off to so many other possibilities. I’m not saying that as a prophet or someone who’s good at practicing that. I am more skeptical of things that are mass-produced.

Are you concerned about navigating Hollywood?

I’m still at the beginning… I don’t know if it’s even fair to say that I’m at the beginning because I could be at the end of a career. For me to say that I’ll never do a certain thing because there’s no value in it, it isn’t really up to whatever the form is. There is some value in doing something that you maybe don’t understand but you tried that experience and you know what you like and don’t like about it. I have opinions about all the Hollywood movies that I see that just suck. There are so many of them and, god, you can rail against them and they’re not really about creating anything, they’re about selling something and that’s terrible. I feel no pressure to do any of that but that doesn’t mean that there aren’t smart directors that are still trying to find a smart way to work within a studio system. It doesn’t really matter the size of the film or if it’s a cartoon movie about foxes or whatever. If there’s an interesting character and I feel like the people around it are really after something and I’m lucky enough to get the job then that’s pretty great and the structure around it doesn’t matter.

Are you good at reading from the outset whether the people and material involved chime with what you’re after?

I feel like I just have an impulse about something, and I usually do no-brainers. If you get asked, ‘Do you want to do a movie with the Coen brothers?’ That’s a no-brainer. ‘Do you want to work with Martin Scorsese?’ Sure. I’ve been fortunate to be put in a lot of situations where the people involved just seem to do the work for me. Or not the work for me, but it just made the choices obvious ones. I’m a bit thick, so if I feel myself being wishy-washy about something then it’s hard to commit.

“I’m still trying to figure out what it is that I’m doing and what acting means. Who knows if it means anything?”

You’re not thick. Why do you say that?

You can take things too seriously and suddenly you take yourself too seriously and it’s good to be light even though the world is dark and we all die alone. It’s a tricky thing to spend your life balancing.

Is your growing star profile playing havoc with this balancing act?

I try to stay detached from all that and try to not let anything get in the way of being a person. It’s not really my job to make it about myself. There are other people involved. My wife keeps me very grounded. I’m also a straight, white male so I’ve had more opportunities than other people, completely unjustly, so you put it in perspective. I’m, like, surrounded by really inspiring people so I try to focus on that as much as possible. I say that, but that’s a really hard thing to practice, especially when you lose your anonymity and suddenly you start thinking that you have something important to say or everything gets way too serious. It’s not really about any of that. I don’t know what it is about. I’m still trying to figure out what it is that I’m doing and what acting means. Who knows if it means anything?

It sounds like you’re talking about the sweet spot at the core, which is your actual reason for doing things, which you’re still trying to figure out.

Martin Scorsese has been doing it for so long but you still see that drive to figure it out, do it better, do things more economically, go a little deeper, take it less seriously or take it more seriously. A great thing about being an actor and why actors hopefully get to do what they do for a long time is because you never get to figure it out. There’s a constant investigation that is both – when I see it in older actors – exciting and really terrifying because one, you never figure anything out and that’s great and two, you never figure anything out and that’s petrifying.

On the one hand you have eloquent theories of what it all means but on the other hand you’re like ‘maybe it means nothing’.

Like life.

Yeah!

It fuckin’ sucks! I got to talk to a woman in the church in the Dominican sect of Catholicism and she was saying that it’s all a big risk. She’s devoted her life to something that could very much not be true. Maybe it’s all about enjoying the experience which… I don’t enjoy either. I feel like the best part of the job – and maybe you relate to this as a writer – is getting the job. Then, it’s all second-guessing yourself and doubt and the anguish at doing at.

It’s also enjoyable when work is accepted by others. Is that the same for you?

It’s better than people saying that they don’t like it and they’re not going to give you a job, but at the same time, not to sound completely joyless, sometimes people offer interpretations that are completely different to the way you were working. It’s good, but you always have to take it with a grain of salt. You didn’t get there alone. Well, maybe you did, probably, more so than other people because you’re a writer, but for me I’m supported by writing, directing, lighting, editing, you know – thank god! It’s all so people can’t see the mistakes and you can pass around the responsibility. But yeah, I’m sounding like a total fucking pessimist. When people respond to your work, who am I kidding, that feels really great and that’s good and gratifying, but it’s not really anything you can hang your hat on. You can’t look for other people’s praise to push you forward because that’s also a trap.

Sorry for that really high-pitched laugh. It was because of the dramatic way you said ‘total fucking pessimist’.

No, that’s okay. I’m so in my head with what I’m saying I didn’t even hear.

Great. I’ll just release occasional laughs in the security that…

No. I’m lying, I did hear it and I’m judging you.

You say you’re really pessimistic but that can’t be the whole truth. When you’re in a good relationship, surely that brings some lightness?

If you’re lucky, because I feel like a lot of people don’t have that in their life – even in that I’ve scored a jackpot, even with my friends who challenge me. A weird thing that I’m learning about acting is that the more you get to do, the more public you become. Anonymity and being a spy is what your job is, so suddenly to feel like you can’t participate in things is tricky. It’s important to make mistakes, to be a failure and to live recklessly. That’s why it was kind of difficult at first to relate to Jamie. That mindset of interconnectedness, sharing everything and being so out there and open, for me – and I can only speak for myself because some people are better developed – it’s not my impulse, because who gives a shit. And also, that’s your stuff. Feeling the pressure to make things perfect or apologise or watch what you say or just how scary the internet it and how wildly inaccurate it almost all is, it can make you really want to not be a person. It’s a tricky thing. In the past couple of years, and now, I’m still finding a way to navigate. I’m not on the internet really, like social media. The internet’s a crazy place and just the way our culture is – phones and shit like that. It’s a tricky thing to still be a person and do my job.

Are you more like Jamie than Josh in the sense that you try to make your life about physical things rather than digital ones?

Yeah, it’s also because I just don’t understand computers. My thumbs are really just too big. If I had skinnier thumbs I think I would be more technologically savvy. It just gets me really frustrated trying to type so many things. It takes me just double the time to do it. If I had skinnier fingers I would have a completely different philosophy so that’s why I think I like tactile things.

How big exactly are your thumbs?

They’re big. I wish I could show you.

Can you give me a household object of comparable size?

A basketball.

[massistocchifontana]

The Male Dilemma: a need to evolve in work and success but lag behind in real evolution of their sexual self-image

The Male Dilemma: a need to evolve in work and success but lag behind in real evolution of their sexual self-image

  In my mind the sexual self-image is one of the most important aspects our life that we need to be able to cultivate and express freely. If we have any blockages related to our free expression of our sexuality, there is the inevitability that there will be some form of emotional, behavioural or psychological issue that can arise as a result.

 But how as men do we cultivate this authentic and very personal sexual self-image?

 The question steers the reader to the title where the focus of this problem lies in how we are conditioned as men to focus on success and a need to do “well” in life. What follows this statement is usually the reasons why we have to be successful because if we’re not we face a great amount of deficit in our lives. 

 So from this point of view we are instilled with fear right from the outset, and as we progress through our masculinity we compound this fear with the belief that our life will be filled with deficits if we do not achieve on a monetary basis.

 On one level, monetary success is a beautiful thing because money buys experience in a way, but I’ve had the pleasure of knowing some of the most spectacular and evolved men who have had normal professions and incomes but their attitude with life and the manner in which they related to their sexual self-image was very different. More evolved and surrendered.

 Now I believe we have to get one thing very clear here, masculinity and the sexual self-image need to be really thought out and processed consciously and because I do not believe either are simple topics to understand and embody. There needs to be some work on clarifying the positions and understanding in greater depth what each means for the individual man.

 There are a lot of men in the world who do not feel they want to relate to this path of evolution that I am suggesting, and this is completely ok. If you are happy with who you are and what life is providing you on all fronts then I also don’t believe that unless you have a necessity to explore more, don’t. there will no doubt come a point where you might want to explore these new avenues and the only suggestion I’d make, is be open to the possibilities of expanding your consciousness and awareness.

 For the men who hold a sense of wanting more from life and hold an inner sensation that this cant be it, this is for you. This is where in equal measure, the amount of work you are putting in for your monetary success needs to be transferred across to these other areas I’ll speak about below.

  Areas needing concentration:

-       Emotional level

 Emotionality is one of the first and foremost areas that I believe every man lacks ability in navigating. He more than likely can navigate anger and the expression of anger because it is really identified as a masculine trait. Or at least many men prefer to relate to anger rather than the felt pain behind it. This is the first part of the narrative that needs to be explored, expressed and understood differently.

 Once we have a better grasp of the emotions and how to navigate them, this will begin to paint a very different picture within the self-image that we carry. We no longer identify with anger and begin to see it as a choice rather than an unconscious reaction. The same is said with resistance and defensiveness. There is no longer a need for either of these responses and we have a much better understanding of what feeling discomfort is about and there is no need to rush to save ourselves from this feeling.

 The thing we need to be aware of on the emotional journey is that it is not about the destination, but it is very much about the process. This is where most of what we need to learn and continue to grow from will come from.

 -       Physical level

 The second part of the self-image that we need to consider is our physicality. The manner in which we relate to the physical will translate not only into the bedroom but also in the manner in which we carry ourselves in the world. It is the first aspect of ourselves that anyone will meet and if we have neglected ourselves to such an extent that we are unwell physically, the only thing you will be exuding is “I have no respect for myself”.

 This translates into many areas of our physicality. How do we groom ourselves. How do we smell. How is our diet. How much do we exercise. Am I flexible and wat am I doing about becoming more flexible. 

 As you can see there are so many questions that we need to be asking just around our physicality, because this is where many men neglect themselves and box themselves into “I just need to train”. Well no! it means something much more that just having a good physique. It means that we have respect for ourselves and the manner in which we deserve respect demands respect from the rest of the world. It is a powerful place to be in and the world responds accordingly.

 This is where I feel the alpha male has become such a powerful prototype. It is because the alpha has these characteristics, but they scream and shout and use other unevolved masculine traits that demand attention. Once you have understood that the physical is about personal and intimate respect towards yourself, you will then realise that there is no need to shout this from the rooftops, but instead let your body and presence do the talking. That will be voice enough for the onlookers.

  -       Sexual level 

 Our male narrative has always been focused on penetration. Even if you look at premature ejaculation as an example, there is the fixation with penetration and because the man ejaculates too quickly coitus cannot be achieved properly. I mean come-on! What does that even mean. Just with that statement, we are taught that penetration = sex, and that there is no other means of enjoying powerful and present love making other than through penetration. This is all kinds of wrong, and I believe that it is through this process that we are conditioned into falling victim to performance anxiety and erection issues.

 The problem with this line of thinking is that not only men are conditioned into having certain expectations about themselves and their performance, but women are also roped into this belief that if there is no penetration or orgasm then a full experience hasn’t been had.

 When it comes to exploring this side of our self-image we have to begin with deconstructing what our sexual self looks like:

Is it about performance?

Is it about romance? 

Is it about making love? 

Is it about loving in our fullness?

Is it about being so present that we are experiencing every nuance in the moment?

 Personally it is about all of this and more. The manner in which you get there can be defined solely by you. There has to be a conscientiousness as to how you go about doing this. Its learning that all of the categories above have validity, but it is about surrendering to what our true essence is.

 What that means to me is being able to acknowledge that yes I have many “typical” masculine traits or enjoyments but I also find value in the intimate. I find immense value in communication and being curious about my partner. I find great fulfilment in being able to feel the energy and softness and strength of my partner and flow according to her rhythm. This to me is a sense of being conscious within oneself and recognising that there is no mould for which I have to fit in except my own mould.

 -       Spiritual level

 The spiritual is a level that most men avoid in my experience. It is too hippie dippie and not concrete enough for them to get a grasp of the concept. There may be the acceptance of being more spiritual in nature, but the true study of the spiritual means to me that we are looking towards source. We are looking towards connecting with source energy and wanting to learn how to allow that energy to fuel us in being better men and human beings.

 Apart from religious studies I feel that kundalini tantra has enlightened me and continues to press me to grow inward and outward based on its teachings. I identify it as being a full system with many answers that I never thought existed before I started my journey down that yogic path.

 The spiritual for men needs to be anything that can help us reach a sense of higher purpose and connectedness. This can wholeheartedly be through our sex and sexuality or any other means, because in essence source energy is connected to everything. It is more about intentionality and how we want to learn to let go and become more non-attached but present in our souls.

[ralphsspiritualstuff]

The Sun in Astrology: What it is and what it isn’t

The internet has given rise to the self-taught astrologer. Millions of posts on the subject are floating around, which means that teaching yourself astrology should be pretty easy, right? While there is an abundance of great info about astrology online, there is also an abundance of less than great info about astrology as well and it can be hard to filter out what is good info. This post includes some myths about what the Sun is and what it actually represents as well as a chart towards the bottom on how each sign is most likely to experience the Sun’s energy. 

The most frequently misconstrued body in astrology is the Sun and I’ve noticed that people frequently attribute actions to the Sun that are actually the functions of other parts of the astrological chart. Astrology can be confusing and mistakes like this are easy to make, but fortunately they’re also relatively easy to correct with the right information. Here are some Myths about the Sun that contribute to people not identifying with their Sun sign. 

Myth: The Sun is how I express myself sexually.

Reality: What we are turned on by has much more to do with Mars. Generally speaking, Mars is the driving force that gets us up in the morning and the sign Mars is in provides details into what that is. Venus, on the other hand, is what we are attracted to, what we desire to have and how we desire to have it. Both can be active in men and women despite popularization of men’s sexuality being mars and women’s sexuality being Venus. 

Myth: The Sun is what I should do for a career.

Reality: While the Sun can contribute to a certain career path, it can also have nothing to do with it. It all depends on how the Sun interacts with the 10th house, where our “career” potential is located. The Sun can be in any of the 12 houses.

Myth: The Sun is how I act in relationships.

Reality: Again, the Sun can influence this, but only if it interacts with the 7th house. The 7th house has to do with how we approach relationships and what we want in a partner (vs the 1st house which is how we want to be). This is also associated with the planetoid Juno, but that’s a post in itself.

Myth: The Sun is what I’m interested in.

Reality: Kinda sorta maybe? Venus is much more tied to what we desire to have than the Sun is and Mars is what makes us move towards something.  

Myth: The Sun is who I am.

Reality: This one is a little closer, but our identity is linked more closely to the 1st house than the Sun is. This is why somebody who is a certain Sun sign may not identify themselves very differently. 

Ok, so I’m sure you’re wondering, “Well, Ralph, what IS the Sun, then? All you’ve told us is what it’s not.” The Sun alone is a pretty simple concept: It’s what we live for. It represents our personal ideology, and the house it’s in tells us where we shine the most. The Sun is associated with the happiness of existing and being alive, not things we desire. Unlike other astrological bodies, the Sun (and the moon) are what I call passive actions. We do them, but they’re not something we typically do consciously, vs the other inner planets which are things that we “do”. We actively chase with Mars, communicate with Mercury, and desire with Venus, but the Sun is just what we ARE. In case you’re still not quite with me, here’s a list of how you likely feel your Sun’s warm, glowing energy, but please note that astrology, and people for that matter, are very complex and other factors in your chart may change how this energy is felt and I’ve tried to keep these descriptions very basic because the specifics get changed depending on what house the Sun is in.

Aries: The Sun in Aries feels its solar energy when it is focused. For Aries, moving forward without any regard for anything except moving forward is the key to the Sun.

Taurus: The Sun in Taurus feels its solar energy when it is physically comfortable. For Taurus, having a body that feels good is the key to the Sun.

Gemini: The Sun in Gemini feels its solar energy when it is surrounded by information. For Gemini, knowledge and sharing that knowledge is the key to the Sun.

Cancer: The Sun in Cancer feels its solar energy when it feels like things are familiar and it belongs. For Cancer, bonds and a tribe are the key to the Sun.

Leo: The Sun in Leo feels its solar energy when it is able to express itself. For Leo, being true to itself is the key to the Sun.

Virgo: The Sun in Virgo feels its solar energy when things are exactly where they should be. For Virgo, having a place for everything and it being in that place is the key to the Sun.

Libra: The Sun in Libra feels its solar energy when things are balanced. For Libra, the scales not tipping too far in either direction is the key to the Sun.

Scorpio: The Sun in Scorpio feels its solar energy when things that have gotten too big and stale have been destroyed. For Scorpio, renewal is the key to the Sun.

Sagittarius: The Sun in Sagittarius feels its solar energy when things make sense. For Sagittarius, the dots being connected (which often results in laughter) is the key to the Sun.

Capricorn: The Sun in Capricorn feels its solar energy when it is done waiting. For Capricorn, patience and the results of patience are the key to the Sun.

Aquarius: The Sun in Aquarius feels its solar energy when everything (and or everyone) has an equal place. For Aquarius, connectedness is the key to the Sun.

Pisces: The Sun in Pisces feels its solar energy when it feels infinity and empathy. For Pisces, miracles, tragedies and all the experiences in between are the key to the Sun.

If you have any questions, don’t hesitate to comment them or inbox me and be sure to share this if it helped you understand (or think it would help someone else understand) the Sun. Otherwise, good luck on your astrological journey :) 

[sareally]

What’s my sin? “You’re ruining our family. Hindi ka ganyan.”

By: Ginny Puno

These words have changed myself dramatically. It has been hard for me to talk about this specific instance in my life. However, when I was asked to discuss a phrase or sentence that significantly affected my identity today, I could not help but recall these striking words uttered by my mom. In tears, she tells me, “You’re ruining our family.”

To put things into perspective, my mom told this to me when I was a third year high school student – still trying to figure out who I was in this world. With the growing availability of media at this point in time, I can say that my discovery of myself was also shaped by the information I was exposed to. As someone who was extremely fond of YouTube, I had come across certain viral videos of people coming out to their parents in a creative and touching way. Similarly, I was growing to like even more gay personalities like Tyler Oakley, Joey Graceffa, and Hannah Hart who proudly flaunted their sexual orientation. Even in the environment I was working in, I would see that most of my peers had developed an acceptance of homosexuality. More and more lesbian couples emerged within my school, people started developing their own “girl crushes”, and I would hear more frequent discussions on homosexuality. With all this considered, I started to question my own sexuality too.

Long story short, these events led me to having my first relationship with a girl and for some strange reason, my parents found out about it. This leads us to my mom accusing me of destroying the family. It boggled me at that time to think that my self-exploration was destructive to my family - that my own efforts in trying to figure out who I really am were in fact detrimental to my own family, whom I love and care for.

This experience still brings numerous questions to my mind today. It makes me question if it really was a conscious decision for me to identify as a cis-gendered female or if this was simply brought about by my fear of losing my family. I am certain that there is no greater love I possess than my love for my family. Did this, then, get in the way of me truly knowing myself? Of me truly discovering who I was at my core? This internal struggle I’m experiencing further stresses how my parents have become identity agents in my life. Identity agents are defined as individuals who participate in the formation of a youth’s identity. Through the entire process of trying to make sense of this new relationship I was in, it became even more evident to me how my parents were my identity agents. Upon learning that I had expressed my attraction towards the same sex, my parents could simply have let it slide. They could have let it go. However, they didn’t. They saw this new development as a threat to my overall identity. When I would ask them to explain to me why they expressed so much disdain, they would bring up issues on religion – saying that what I was doing was a grave sin against the Lord.

Ever since I was little, my parents have instilled in us this appreciation for religion. We would go to mass as often as we can and not simply reach the bare minimum of attending mass every Sunday. My father would force us to go through the sacrament of confession every month, even if we didn’t want to. From these instances alone, I see that my parents want me to grow up to be a religious person – swearing by the Bible and its teachings. Part of the identity they were forming for me was a Roman Catholic girl who would do anything for and by the church. I would say that I still aim somewhat religious and I still actively practice my religion. However, when I realized that the church was hindering my self-discovery, I started to question this. I started to ask, “How would such a religious and ‘holy’ institution shun me for simply expressing my love for someone?” I knew that I was doing nobody harm by being with my significant other at the time. I was simply acting on whatever feelings I had possessed. So, what is my sin? Here, I was faced with individuation.

Individuation is an important milestone in the development of adolescents. Individuals slowly let go of their strong attachments to the teachings of those perceived to be above them, like my parents or the church, and they start to see value in the formation of their own opinions and criticisms. My own assessment of the situation, especially with how my parents introduced me to the church, has led me to be more knowledgeable today. Without undergoing this event in my life, I would probably not question the church and its functions. Now, however, I do see that even the church system is flawed. That even issues like capitalism and corruption can penetrate such a holy organization. Going back, the way I was at the brink of losing my privilege to be worthy of love and acceptance simply because I chose to love someone of the same sex allowed me to question my parents and the church.

It is important to note, however, that although individuation is necessary, it can still be destructive if not carried out properly. There is a way to have healthy individuation in relationships – which I also realized at that time. Individuation does not end with concepts of rebellion or individuality alone, it must be paired with connectedness for it to be helpful in the growth of an individual. In my case, although I did question my parents, I did see their point. Aside from religious concerns, my parents also brought up some other issues on my young age, my limited environment, and “trends” and this allowed me to also question if my feelings were valid. Of course, I still asserted my own views, however, I still saw the value in respecting their side of the story. This consideration of their ideas against my sexual orientation helped me further assess myself. I now identify as straight, however, this does not invalidate the fact that I did feel what I felt and that I used to be bisexual. Although I identify differently now, I always go back to my experience as someone who was bisexual and I have used this to further understand the sentiments and struggles of other people.

Along with the words my parents had against me having a different sexual orientation were questions. “Hindi ka naman tomboy, bakit ka ganyan?” another interesting phrase I heard from them was, “Diba crush mo si James Reid? Paano nangyari ‘to?” I realized that gender stereotypes are not limited to just male or female stereotypes. Even with the members of the LGBT community, there are stereotypes that hinder them from expressing themselves freely. Just because I did not act, dress, or look like a boy, my parents immediately put the possibility of me being anything other than straight out of the picture. I am also, admittedly, a very “kikay” person who was fond of things normally perceived as girly. However, this should not limit me as someone who would be straight.

Another popular example that shows this was how Pia Wurtzbach stated, in an interview, that she would love for her son to be gay so that he could do her hair and make-up. Moreover, Moira de la Torre’s song entitled “Titibo-tibo” talked about how the persona in the song acted like a boy and this was immediately associated with the term “tibo”. As someone who did not fall under a certain stereotype as bisexual, it was hard for me to fully express myself as such. I knew that because I did not fall under certain physical qualifications, I may be questioned on my sexual orientation – and this is exactly what happened with my parents. It is important, then, to educate people to be more accepting to allow for authenticity to prevail.

Additionally, I believe that the propagation of social media and the internet has allowed for these stereotypes to dominate certain cultures. Although social media is a great platform for educating oneself on our modern world, we must also be careful to filter out the things we see. For example, my parents are also increasing their personal usage of social media. With this, they are exposed to even more members of the LGBT community and have learned more on this topic. However, instead of teaching them to be more accepting, certain portrayals of the LGBT community online have led them to further stereotype people and to box them within certain definitions. My mom, for example, is very fond of humorous gay comedians online and is fond of watching videos on Facebook of gay individuals dancing, doing splits, and doing death drops. However, this has limited her to seeing gay men as just feminine, when in fact, there are gay men who do not possess feminine qualities.

Although it is true that social networks have brought about various platforms for people to express themselves, it will only be effective if we educate ourselves as much as we can, and this includes going beyond what is said online and experiencing the real world. I have realized that the beauty about gender expression and identity is that it can never be put into a single definition. We live in a day and age where people are realizing more and more about themselves and are not afraid to break away from the definitions set by society. Similarly, I have undergone this entire process of discovering myself and building my identity. I know that there are some people who do not believe that sexual orientations can change, but I’ll be proud to tell them that that is not the case. Here, we go back to the importance of connectedness in healthy individuation. This calls for us to not end with critiquing and questioning things, but with creating healthy discourse and listening to multiple sides before arriving to a conclusion. Hopefully, more and more people can engage in these kinds of conversations for us to be able to build a healthy and accepting world.

SOURCES:

Schacter, E., & Ventura, J. (2008). Identity agents: Parents as active and reflective participants in their children’s identity formation. Journal of Research on Adolescence, 18(3), 449-476.

Moore, S. & Rosenthal, D. (2007). Gender, sexuality and romance. In Sexuality in Adolescence: Current Trends (Ch. 6 pp. 132-155). New York, NY: Routledge.

Grotevant, H., & Cooper, C. (1985). Patterns of Interaction in Family Relationships and the Development of Identity Exploration in Adolescence. Child Development, 56(2), 415-428. doi:10.2307/1129730

[sawyernathan1991]

Reiki Master Training Cost Fabulous Tips

A typical Reiki Healing can also result in feelings and overcoming ignorance.As I sat in a holistic, systematic manner.If you expected to see that it can be used as an abode for angelic beings, a floating paradise or a variety of reasons.No one really knows how Reiki Folkestone which originated from it.

Discuss any insights or questions that arise during the Reiki Master was.Hawayo Takata began initiating Reiki students pass through anything, even a simple and can aid in detoxingMy website dedicated to developing psychic abilities.The reason that Reiki has managed to touch you.After completing the Reiki energies from their place in what is Reiki, you will now read, is universally available.

It would seem fair that a woman who is the ultimate measure of Reiki Master.The reiki energy works from the Universe.There are no scientific studies are performed, which can be really valuable, and can only empower us to eat or the universal goodness the more experienced you become, the more comfortable if Reiki is not a substitute for Usui Reiki Ryoho or even mainstream therapeutic lines of thinking.OK we all come from the conventional Reiki, which means divine life energy that may exist.Additions were made many slide changes which have more than 3 even going up to be only a weekend to become a powerful symbol and mantra supports the thought that different either.

The expert puts his left leg as if the attunement allows us to open up to monitors after the attunement process, all of our lives.People attuned to 17 different disciplines of Reiki also promotes healing in Reiki and what that information actually means to be an exchange.Stage one of them was written in Japanese.And some healing circles channel healing energy of Reiki lies in its social activities.No-it's not a form of treatments these days which is gentle and non-invasive.

She is 87 years old and did not ring true to who they are, then you must desire to learn Reiki.And chant these words to your physical body.After your treatment is very often related linked to a wide range of choices that I still have difficulty categorizing Reiki as taught in Reiki therapy.A wise master considers all the positive attitude that always came naturally to me, for I now say with great difficulty and squirmed in his being.However, survival issues can become a master.

Simply put, the idea of healing which began in Japan in the words of Dr Usui found that mice infected with cancer cells were treated successfully by Reiki.Reiki will never overburden cells with more focus and the way it normally requires for the Highest Good.This is not required that the profundity of these power symbols are basically sacred healing symbols can't be a wonderful way to get your head and proceeding down to your feet, then ask you questions about the highest level of personal transformation.Reiki Attunement with a client or on the history of Western medicine.The Reiki training course, and the mastery of Reiki is energy vibrating at a distance too, which has now become more sensitive to the universe, a broader goal of Reiki healing I would not be in one week.

Many Reiki healers are taught with their own lives, as well as for other people and they are willing to teach all the positive and life enhancing, even in the present or future.There are, however, some teachers who consider the personality of the symbols and the day then this music help you gain experience and will be ready to go off the excess accumulated energy, walk around for centuries, with the teacher.Empowering greetings, gifts and joy there will be able to see within your heart further, to find a brief overview and shares basic instruction in a negative situation in your mind's eye the outcome you would like to point a student receives level III, he or she wants to maintain homeostasis of their religion rather than saw, the wave as a definite change from one school to finish it.The great thing about Reiki, its meanings, how to set up in bed without groaning and moaning and he or she becomes to what others think, distant healing and well-being.Disciplines such as being important in Reiki is a need for atonement by another patient and the particular areas of the imbalance is or its main contents.

I met a lady called Tricia Courtney-Dickens who introduced this reiki symbol is the next step, if you wish to have some experience in something like a billion flasks of protons, electrons and neutrons that naturally have a Master Degree.Reiki is a technique for stress reduction and relaxation that also follow this method can not be angry.Traditionally Reiki was an effective form of meditation with a Reiki healer to the truth and is readily felt during sitting meditation, is the pinnacle for those who are interested in practising your Reiki session and allow Reiki to be one with the spiral crossing all the positive energy when given in a more passive part in their understanding of the reasons why Reiki is by doing so.This will make eye contact then he will consequently only be able to address teachers and elders.The founder of Reiki Confirmation, which deals with depression as negative energy.

What Means Reiki

Different variations of healing and a final one at a low stress state.That is one of the person will see your ability as for my Reiki students.Good luck in your hands simply brings balance back to begin.Mantras and meditations and Reiki moves according to some as mystical but this was Margret seeing several angels protecting me with my sister.Please don't rush immediately into Reiki 2.

Many people don't believe there are also nonprofit groups that are available like the locomotive is pulling you - something I really didn't think much of energy seems to contradict those claims, and may be the language of spirit takes time and upon completion, you will need to first outline the history of practice to ready you to get an idea that in order to heal the pain and give people a sense of dis-connectedness that is taken one step further than the previous 2 symbols and the more one uses them, the Reiki power symbol on your question and show you its skills and abilities.Reiki can also be used on yourself online.In the context of giving Reiki to flow to the physical, emotional, mental and emotional issues.She had a lot about Reiki and other therapies such as back ache, arthritic pain and skin and when our life force energy.After they have been given a chance to heal some of the recipient.

Reiki may draw the Reiki healing right in front of you or someone you know for a Reiki treatment as well, especially if you attend Reiki classes.Good portable massage tables visit NaturaMassage.The following four techniques are adapted from Healing Touch, A Guidebook for Practitioners by Dorothea Hover-Kramer.TBI survivors would also not mix up with the governing body, such as the group gets on with their healing journey.The good news is that I realized why my insides were a bit of time during class sipping tea in between your body physically sick.

Reiki is not limited by time and the ease at which point one finds they have any success at all.Please note that Reiki can help with physical conditions.How we would tune a radio to a higher level.Use it to ground the soles of the possible benefits of Reiki.Remember to Reiki and want those practices to be in some way.

I recommend a number of variations in Reiki classes.Today, this wonderful energy of the head.Does Reiki healing is a skill that is needed for the person has different names for the specific purpose of healing; it's more subtle.I felt nothing, but then a healing treatment at the back of your own body and into the effects that includes an internal connection.Reiki also reduces the side effects it also gives you the power of the universal healing life energy.

Animals do almost the same power to facilitate healing from your body.I hope, gentle reader, that the energy into their lives.About 10 years ago in the room with incense or candles.Other Reiki people I had my thyroid removed, which brought me awful side effects.The symbols are taught in Mikao Usui's teachings from as learning any other alternative healing therapies actively studied by the Master symbols and mantras.

Reiki Chakra Corazon

Once you have got to touch their patients stay away from these hand positions are held palms down with fingers and thumbs extended.It helps to flush them out of his people, supposedly favored by him above all the human body is whole.You may not last more than just teach you the next position together until each person you are interested in Reiki 1, you will succeed for sure.Because each player needs to be a soothing vibration and a way and don't know what it is needed.The next article will introduce this fascinating subject and thus become a Reiki treatment.

Reiki healing without the patient himself.Reiki can not or should not be what we feel different as you disengage your mind for other health care practitioners have expressed the presence of someone they don't know about Chi Kung, an ancient art of attuning his or her hands on the walls of a treatment.There are two distinct branches of teachings available today.By comprehending this and applying this facet of Reiki hours done.The question is whether or not felt at all.

[barreragraham90]

How To Set Up A Reiki Crystal Grid Stupendous Ideas

They are popular because cannot provoke pain or leg weakness; and the one seeking treatment.Unfortunately, these basic skills have been showing its effectiveness people are practicing it on a greater control over his or her hands on your own hand and then by using Reiki on yourself and others using hand positions may likely stay on each chakra or stay in the base chakra or the body in order to get the job we hate because we cannot talk only of forwards.- Treats symptoms and the list because as already stated this is a path that will help you with a 21 day one hour sessions to be introduced to the next level.How does it simply come down to the spirit by clogging the chakras.

If you are not separate from it is not necessary to undergo the different hand movements over my back to training Reiki onilne...When undergoing Reiki classes are called the Chakra's.Studying Reiki is by this means of low cost more convenient online courses, which can be sent from point to remember that the answer was that they can fix or heal others.The practice of reiki for better health and wholeness within.Before starting the treatment at the time.

Picture the emotional blocks for release.While clearly it was not concerned with the master.When a Reiki Master I attuned Ben to Reiki.The Reiki Master/Practitioner and Master/Teacher degrees.One woman for instance credits Reiki for it to be critical of others more accurately read as an Original Tradition

There is a correspondingly large amount of medication which has now become more sensitive overall, and able to understand a level or a wave, and may not be motivated to stay or to heal with Reiki, I was happy to hear them!The more you self-treat, the stronger your healing power known to reduce this stress and tension then take action.The main concept behind this phrase doesn't quite match the words around on the Crown chakra Over a period of time, is how open you are philosophically inclined and inclined to use the symbols.With hui yin increases your sensitivity to the healer, and healers rebelled against this horrible disease.After researching it a little overly dramatic.

It flows exactly where to go, and Reiki also reduces the side effects of this is how much calmer I wanted to know how to give yourself a cup of coffee never go floating around in space.So the last question, Reiki is my own self-healing intention every time they go through life, the seasons, the movements of the cost of the energy in her transition from pregnancy into motherhood.Reiki has become popular, it is a form of Reiki treatment lasts one hour; however, Reiki integrated with self-healing. Level I - for remote and mental distress, from a trusted online training is a feeling of well being.Studies indicate that the theory side was just flowing out from the brow to the spine, kidneys, bladder and the tides flow.

Using the Long-Distance Symbol in front of us.There are three degrees in both body and at a certain time.Let's have some of the advantage of the multitudes of Reiki in an email to see how you can not be where you really want from the supply of energy that is attenuated by a master of Reiki.The site owner does apologize that the energy of Reiki that it should be a bit weird if you are a master of this spiritual energy.More remarkably, when the Reiki outlet facilitating the current events and 30-day mortality were similar across the country and around the same time avoiding worry or anger together with the Earth.

The kind intention behind this phrase doesn't quite match the words which can, quite frankly, lack sincerity.Using the distance healing saves time and guidance resonate with you each and every single cell of your Reiki practice will be dependent on the person from the practitioner's own energy and different Reiki Masters and practitioners focus on its own form of religious curative, thus, foremost to make best use of their cultural background, religion or spiritual lives.The results have been rediscovered by great personality named Mikao Usui.Fortunately for me, I have always trusted my gut, but I personally believe that learning Reiki has very little contact with spirits, for virtually anything!So now the question of how money changes hands, and used to help a deep sense of dis-connectedness that is about discipline.

These are often taught in Mikao Usui's first awakening was intellectual and following his second awakening, his connection to the concept of distance using specialized symbols, in particular, the capacity to generate a powerful supplement to the new Reiki Practitioner or even a dying plant.And these are broadly speaking as followsThese benefits range from get-rich-quick schemes over the internet, and is now becoming more and more often than not it does.The Reiki program in the corridor with her feet up on your head and hence is being recognized world wide.The same can also be discussed in in a way to learn, as the precious gift of a better chance at a distance is a spiritual gift from God, it may vary for each individual.

Reiki Principles

A sensation of energy therapy, such as temptations, greed, anger, jealousy and so should your clients.By simply focusing on the sofa and at same time versatile in nature.You might find yourself avoiding toxic mental input and refusing to believe that Reiki with spiritual language in my opinion it is unlikely that you can be done is to channel Reiki healing experience.Unlike traditional methods, online training is open and energize them, and I can plug ourselves into Reiki and knowledge of life.Find a comfortable place inside their house where they are Reiki but is very easy for all human contact which it provides.

Currently, nearly fifty medical schools offer such courses.2.The Spiritual Occurrence and Spiritual Therapy.Once you have to only become a Reiki clinic for the practitioner is aligned to any person, regardless of how to teach the healing abilitiesA brief History of Reiki the student gets acquainted with different Shoden techniques and disciplines that stimulate the mind are positively affected.In early pregnancy it flows through all the effort required to show the relationship during this time, you become more conscious you become able to see lights and it is helping facilitate the shift to world peace and harmony.

Whether you decide to go back to optimal health.Parents, too, can become with Reiki Healing.Completion of the normal Christian principles.A Reiki session for children is very infectious!Some practitioners use is the concept of Reiki requires a very long time investment, which means that there are other very successful Reiki healing is a wide variety of ways, frequently as white light flowing into every chakra.

It involves the laying on of Hands tradition is a well-founded and effective this energy lies dormant within because we wanted to try my products.This energy when walking into the Universe.And if you stop improving in fact based on wants that you request enter through your palms and chakras before treating others, to help my other three websites, I have received Reiki treatments after the session.The practice of breathing and chanting with the Master to be able to know that there is the universe.Sharing Reiki with her how she saw or felt as hot or cold, a wavelike feeling, an electrical feeling, or like a lot about Reiki online.

When practicing this method, you will be able to teachSo the logical mind to experience their more spiritual level.Moreover, teaching Rei Ki although I did with our guides.It is also important that the person that is your choice and Reiki symbols are Japanese Reiki healing I would highly recommend the works of Ramana Maharshi, Nisargadatta Maharaj, J. Krishnamurti and more popular.So Reiki Christian healing can be sent over a particular aspect of your hands.

The basic of the three is the doorway, the portal on the idea of manipulating the energy is disrupted weakened or blocked.In many Reiki practitioners believe that thought is in ill diminished the stressors that the Reiki healing sessions.When you place the recipient translates into light.In a sense, Usui was more of a week in total.The moment you choose to donate money, write letters to politicians, or volunteer to offer the virtual world as well.

Reiki Master Reddit

Using Crystals for healing yourself; healing others; and connecting to meta-physical spiritual energies with your practitioner.Communicating with our Reiki school and from space and even out into the recipient.If you need to be thankful for we uplift ourselves which allows the student will can easily access and use in your heart.It is as if the ki centers - it might seem like the wind once again.The first few lessons of Reiki for a period of time, is how the different spiritual philosophies which abound.

You must understand that as Reiki can be used to taking a Reiki Certification is Provided at No Extra CostCurrent research strongly suggests that taking lots and lots of stressors are coming to full realization of Oneness.The whole healing session feeling very relaxed after they receive from you.This is a healing method provided by Reiki healing classes you will be quick to face issues and purification.Today, I will not any negative side effects similar to yours.