#but i feel i've reached a point now where like
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I still refuse to accept that this exist. I've been around for years now and I do send fic links to my friends but we don't have discords servers specifically to talk about them ??? I leave comments and sometimes go on the author's tumblr to send them an ask about how much i love their works. A few times I got the author's discord by doing that and we started chatting on the app. Sometimes the author sees me comment-spamming their fics, so they go on my account and starts reading my fics and leaves adorable comments too. And it makes me cry cause what do you mean you love my work ?? I'm just an annoying rambler who also happens to be a fan of your work, I don't write as well as you, but you still enjoy reading my shit ? This makes me so fucking happy.
And you guys are telling me that some people... Don't... Share their appreciation with the author ?? Some people are missing this kind of wholesome connection???? People create discord server to talk about the fics they like and never fucking tell the author about that ? The author who reads and answers to every single comment because it makes them happy to know that other people like their work ?? The author who rambles about their fics idea on tumblr because they have so many in mind and just want to share them ??
I legit don't understand how you can read a fic and chose to text your friend instead of leaving a fucking comment under it. I refuse to believe that there's discords servers out there with channels like "STSG hurt/comfort fics" where people write poems dedicated to their love for fanfic authors. And the authors have no idea of this and give up on writing because they feel like no one is reading them.
I have a discord group with two women, we were all writing erasermic fics on the french side of wattpad, we were all reading and commenting each other's fics, correcting spelling mistakes in the comments. It became an habit to the point where they started tagging me every time they posted a new chapter so I could correct them, and I did the same with my fanfics. It was 5 years ago and today one of them is going to publish her first original novel and she asked us to be her beta-readers. None of us write erasermic fics anymore.
It's great that you love a fanfic so much that you ramble about it on discord with your friends, but what the point of a fandom if we don't try to reach each other ?
"should we tell authors on ao3 when we have discord conversations about their fics" i don't speak for everyone here but if y'all ever find a group chat discussing my fics you can should must and WILL send me screenshots of the whole damn thing. inflate my ego. gimme
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Hello 👋 if requests are open do you think we can get another of The Summoned Demon? I've never seen a take on Danny being misunderstood and speaking a different language after a summoning and I'm really excited to see where you wanna take this. If not don't worry about it I have a vivid imagination hahaha
Take care of yourself man, this is also your mandatory water and food break ❤️
Danny runs for what feels like hours but is probably only a few minutes, attempting to find the exit of the caves. This would be easier if he could go ghost, but for some reason, his powers were disrupted when he tried to change into Phantom back in the cell.
He didn't know how, but the weird lights had messed with his core. It was almost like an invisible hook had attached itself to his navel. The thing yanked his power into the floor and walls, causing them to explode.
Thankfully, when the strange writing had vanished, a bit of his strength had returned, allowing him to tear through the stone bars. He couldn't go ghost, but at least some of his powers were accessible.
He had super strength, night vision (which would have been really helpful the day he was kidnapped!), and a few energy beams. It could be a better skill set, but if needs must. If only his Phantom stamina could transfer over.
Right now, he was using Fenton Stamina. There was a reason he was failing P.E. It showed how he was gasping for air, kneeling by one of the stone walls.
"Must...huff...find...exit....huff huff....escape!" Danny pants, attempting to crawl forward. "Must....check with a doctor about possible asthma...leg cramp! leg cramp!"
It wasn't going well.
Danny grips the meat of his calf, curling into a tight ball and silently screaming at it. The pain is annoyingly rippling across his whole body, causing his muscles to tense to the point he can only sit there and wait for it to go away.
All the while, he was mentally swearing up a storm.
After a few minutes, the muscles relax enough for him to feel some relief. Slowly unclenching his hands- afraid that if he got too quickly, the pain would return- Danny stretches out his leg. The ache is a distant echo as he slumps against the stone.
"I'm going to die in here," He whimpers. "I'm going to die from a kidnapping cult that thought it was a great idea to wait after my math test to take me."
While Danny wallows in misery, two glowing figures flout out of a nearby wall. A woman who looks to be wearing an outfit straight from the pilgrim's age and a man who may have once been a gentleman in the early ninety-thousands.
Danny's eyes widen at the blood staining the woman's head and dress. It's evident from the crack that runs along the right side of her skull. The man, meanwhile, looks more normal if it is not for the way one of his legs is twisted sickeningly.
"This one is young, " says the woman, shaking her head in pity. "It looks like he hurt his leg."
"I know how that feels," the man sighs, flouting until he is mere inches from Danny's face. "It doesn't seem he's been down here for long. Maybe there is hope someone will find him before the starvation hits."
"What do you mean starvation!?" Danny yelps. The two glowing people flinch.
The man gapes at Danny. "You can see us!?"
"Yeah? You're ghosts, right? I'm part ghost on my mother's side." Danny jokes, only seeing the woman cross herself before doing a slight hop and pointing at him with clear disgust.
"Witch!" She stretches, dragging out the syllables. He a bit impressed by how she puts her whole chest into that yell. Hell, he's even a little envious with how low she got her voice too.
"Not now, Mary," The man hisses at her. He reaches to touch Danny, but the boy avoids the contact, afraid of being overshadowed. That earns him a smile that seems oddly approving. "It's nice to meet you, lad. My name is Harold McConnell; I was an explorer attempting to map out Gotham's caves when I was separated from my crew. I broke my leg in the dark and starved to death. This is Mary, no last name. She and her family were moving from different American colonies when they passed over Gotham, and their carriage fell when the ground gave way. She died upon impact."
Dang, okay. Harold is oddly forward. Danny knows most ghosts are well aware of the specter's unwritten rules: Never bring up another death or share yours until a deep bond has been made.
A bit flustered Danny placed a hand on his chest, ensuring his fingers were spread so that they know he was a friendly ghost. He was not after their haunt or territory. "I'm Danny Fenton. Yesterday I was kidnapped by a cult from my classroom. They had me in warehouse then in a stone cell in a near by cave I escaped them but ended up gettng lost."
Marry lowered her hand, eyes wide. "A cult brought you down here?"
"Yeah, and I'm afraid they will find me," Danny mutters, looking over his shoulder. He can't see or hear anyone, but that does little to reassure him.
Harold's face tightens. "There are many monsters in this city."
"We can show you the way out," Mary offers, flying closer. Danny does his best not to stare at her gruesome features. It would be vulgar. "Does being half ghost- or a witch- make it possible for us to carry you?"
Danny blinks. "I think so, but I can walk-"
"Nonsense," Harold grunts, reaching out and lifting Danny from the floor. He throws him over his shoulder like he was picking up a flour sack. Danny squeaks. "Goodness, I forgot how it felt to hold something. I miss this."
Danny starts to protest, but Harold merely bounces him with a laugh, twisting around where Mary is flouting. "Onward!"
Mary smiles, floating alongside them. "We can go through the west caves to where my skeleton is. There is an opening that should lead to the center of Gotham's suburbs."
"Good idea, Mary," Harold compliments, flying right behind her at a much faster speed than Danny's running. "Listen, lad, we can't leave the blasted caves, but we can stare through openings. The suburbs are the safest place for you to pop out of."
Considering that his only other option is a mad group of cultists, a kiddy pool of blood, or a full ghost status from being lost in the caves, Danny doesn't mind.
He is saddened that they are anchor ghosts, though he suspected as much from the way neither had noticed his Infinite Realms mannerism. It means they are doomed to only wander the areas of their death, forever trapped in their sudden and abrupt demise.
"Thank you for helping me," He says, staring down at his hands. He can see the ground past him back, aware of the way Harold's muscular arms wrap around him without any warmth but not lacking in kindness. "I wish I could take you with me."
"That's a sweet thought, little one witch, but it's alright." Mary says, "We've come to terms with our fate. We even found love."
Danny peaks at her, noticing how adoring she is regarding the ghost, and she can't help but smile. "You two are together?"
"Aye. Mary comforted me in my final hours." Harold responds in a voice as fond and adoring as Mary's: "She was my reward for how I perished."
How romantic.
"I hope I find love like yours," Danny tells them just as they round a few corners and come to a deep drop. The remains of a carriage and five skeletons rest at the very bottom, making him heartache for the fact she had likely been alone with their bodies for centuries.
Mentally, he makes a pack to come back for the bodies and give them a proper burial—once he has his powers, of course.
"I pray that you do," Mary says, keeping her gaze away from the pit. She points upwards to a whole in the cave's ceiling, a few streaks of light peaking through. "Up there, my love."
Harold obediently flies upwards, twisting Danny so the boy's back is to his chest and his hands are supporting him on his bum. Danny's face turns red. "Sorry, lad, but something is covering the exit. I can not touch it, but you should be able to. Kick it until it breaks. It should only be a few layers of grass."
Danny coughs. "I'll try my best."
He kicks upwards, pressing himself into Harold so he has more leverage for throwing his legs upwards. They make contact with a heavy thump, his super strength giving him an edge.
"Donkey kicks, lad!" Harold shouts, "Both legs, nice and even."
He pulls his legs back again, putting more strength into his second kick. It shakes the ground above him as bits of dirt fall through, and the light streaks grow. Danny's legs go through once, twice, and on the third kick.
Danny cheers as the ground above him collapses, falling into the pit below. It's a reasonable-sized hole, just big enough that he will be able to squeeze through, but thankfully, the rest of the ceiling seems sturdy enough that he won't accidentally cause a sinkhole.
"Good job!" Mary cheers, clapping her hands. Harold lets out a deep and joyish laugh, helping Danny straight up by holding his waist and lifting him up through the hole.
He struggles to keep Danny upright when Mary swoops in, lacing her fingers and supporting Danny's feet. Her added assistance allows the ghosts to push him upwards, away from the darkness and into the light.
Danny rises from the ground with a laugh so cheerful he doesn't think he's ever been this happy to see sunlight, even when it blinds him.
It takes a couple moments to adjust his eyesight, stepping out of the ghosts' hold onto solid ground, but he can smell the sweet grass below his feet. He hears the tender psss of a meat on a girl. The alluring aroma of hotdogs-
Wait a minute.
Danny's eyes finally come into focus, and he stares into the faces of a surprise family just about to sit down for a BBQ. His eyes find the face of a very familiar teenage boy looking increasingly horrified by the second.
"Hey, you're the cult pants guy!" Danny shouts at him, twisting around to look down at Harold and Mary. "One of the cult sacrifices is here! I think he escaped, too!"
"Solitary!" Harold yells back, "You have more strength in numbers!"
"I don't know how he can help me since last time I couldn't understand his language- oh! Er, hello?" Danny looks down to where the teenager is once again, clinging to his feet, babbling in his fast-paced language. He presses his face against Danny's leg, rubbing himself there, and the Halfa is quick to try to push him away. "Dude! Dude! Personal space!"
"My word!" Mary calls up, scandalized. "Danny, will you force this young one into being your bride?"
"What!? No! Wait—" Danny looks back at the scene where Mary is once again making that same disgusted face while Harold is offering him a thumbs up and an eyebrow wiggle. "You can understand him!?"
"Yes, can you not?" Harold responds.
"Not even a single word. Would you mind translating for me?"
"I can let you know what he is saying, but I'm afraid the living won't be able to hear us." Marry cautions, sounding strangely apologetic and relieved in the same tone. "He's attempting to bargain for his family's lives in exchange for being your bride."
"Why would he assume I even want their lives or him!?" Danny yelps, finally untangling himself from the teenager and putting in some much-needed details. He makes a x with his arms, hissing when the other guy makes a move to follow him.
"Hard to say. He's not making a lot of sense- it's just pleas for a bargain.," Harold shouts, speaking louder now that Danny has moved away from the hole's edge. "It is best to put some distance between you and him."
"But what about you?"
"Don't worry about us; we've been here long enough. Escape while you can and be safe!" Mary yells over the cries of the rest of the family, who seem to have finally snapped out of their daze.
Danny looked at the two adults, the one pre-teen and a crying five-year-old, and decided he did not want to stick around for more screaming in a language he could not understand. "Thank you for everything you've done for me, Harold, Mary!"
"You're welcome!"
"It was a pleasure lad!"
Quick as a whip, Danny twists on his heel, racing for the fence and leaping over it. He's suddenly grateful for all the times he would sneak into Tucker's house as he clears over the wood in one smooth tug up and over, hitting the ground running.
He ignores the cries of the other humans behind him as he sprints down the surprisingly lovely suburban street.
___________________________________________________________
Jack Roux's hands shake as the demon disappears from view. He thought Batman had a handle on the cult and was free. But obviously, that wasn't the case.
When the ground first started to thump, he thought their garden had a mole or something, only to have his blood turn to ice when the ground gave way. Rising from the ground was the very demon that he had seen only two days ago.
His mother quickly ran to his side, wrapping Jack in her arms, sobbing uncontrollably. His dad stood in front of him, likely wanting to be a shield between Jack and the demon. His little siblings crowed around crying in fright.
It had come back for him, even though he had assumed it was kind and likely was going to go after the others.
If I had been alone, Jack thinks, thankfully his father's quick thinking and fast-paced prayers had scared the thing away in time, I would have been taken again.
It's a bone-chilling thought.
#dcxdpdabbles#dcxdp crossover#The Summoned demon#Part 3#Danny accidentally making himself look worse#Harold and Mary speak about Danny for years after#They are not aware the “cult” Danny was running from was sweet little Bruce and his kin#Ghost culture#misunderstandings
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alright, friends, it's time for a lil heart-to-heart.
for quite a while now, i've struggled with feeling like the rpc is an actual community. there's a few things that contribute to this feeling, but it mostly comes down to a lack of interaction and visible interest. sometimes i feel very one-sided in my interest and attachment to my mutuals bc when i see their ooc posts or headcanons, i like them or comment, yet this isn't reciprocated by everyone. i can usually guess who i'm about to see in my notifications, and to be absolutely clear, i'm very grateful for those people!! it's a handful or two of you, but it could be just one and i'd be grateful. it's not about numbers whatsoever but rather growing uncomfortable that not all of my mutuals are all that interested in my character or me.
i write on here to share the excitement of creating with other people. i write on here to create together, too, but i'm also here to share characters and ideas and lore with people i know are happy to hear me ramble. i'm just getting to the point in which i'm questioning how many of you are actually happy to listen, and that's just not a good feeling at all. i'm not a mind reader, y'all. if you don't tell or show me that you care about the things i talk about or even about interacting, there's no way for me to know. eventually, i'm going to question why you're following me if i never see or hear from you, and eventually, i'm going to softblock and move on. that's the only way forward i see right now because i just do not feel comfortable on my own blog. i feel like i'm retreating into this quiet bubble to avoid discomfort, and it really sucks. it's killing my muse.
i'm not perfect. none of us are, and we can't be online at all times to catch every little post. but if we're a community, then we should be supporting each other when we can and liking headcanons, liking/commenting on those lil ooc posts that remind us our writing partners are humans with lives outside this site, reblogging their promo posts, sending in that meme they've reblogged even if we're nervous to reach out first -- if we're a roleplaying community, then we need to act like it. " community " implies connection, and a connection doesn't really begin when you follow each other. it begins when you reach out, even if it's in some small way.
tldr: i think we can all do better to support our mutuals and to connect, and i'm going to softblock people rather than continue to feel unsure where i stand with my mutuals. i won't start until sometime next week, and i won't make one of those " like this to remain mutuals " posts. they're not helpful to me, if i'm honest. if you're worried, just reach out. i'm literally a 4'9'' gremlin who sleeps with a m.unchlax plushie -- i promise i'm not scary despite this post uvu
#if i reread this one more time my head will explode asdfg so i'm done and hitting post#i need to stress though i'm very thankful for the people i have connected with in small and big ways <3 it means a lot to me#but i've been told bottling things up isn't a great idea so it's time i was just honest#also i’ve felt like this for a long time#so it’s not the time of year bc i know everyone gets busy during the holidays#i’m just feeling frustrated and tired bc in some instances my efforts do feel one-sided and this hobby is supposed to be an escape#rn it’s not such a great escape for me. i’m trying to be honest so that can change#i’m trying overall to reshape this blog a little in how i run it bc i want us all to have fun and feel seen#that means creating boundaries and being honest and trying new methods so that i don’t get overwhelmed and can actually write and chat#with everyone that i’d like to write and chat with uvu#alright……. i think that’s it after i’ve rambled in the tags asfhjk#i’ll queue this and a bunch of other stuff later when i’ve got time#for now i gotta finish getting ready for work — pls have a lovely day everyone!#get ready to ramble | ooc
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Later, Annie would wish that she had remembered to record this next bit.
But she wasn't even thinking of it. That heaviness in Divian's eyes, it wasn't a game anymore. There was a real tragedy here, and Annie wasn't even thinking of Divian as an interview subject. She was thinking of him as a friend, someone she was worried about.
So Annie didn't say anything. She just knitted her eyebrows in concern and listened.
"This place is Maria's family's restaurant," Divian began. "We both grew up coming here after school, we'd sit at the table in the corner and do our homework, and when were old enough, we both came to work here. It was supposed to be a long time before Maria even had to think about taking over. Her father was doing an excellent job of running things, and Maria was doing business classes on the side, just to be prepared for that day when he did retire. Well..."
Divian sighed. Annie had a feeling she knew what was coming next.
"It all happened quite suddenly. We thought we'd at least have a few more years with him at first, but his illness progressed faster than anyone could have predicted. Her mother wanted to sell the business, just be done with it all, but Maria was determined not to let that happen. So she took over. But I don't think she realized what she was getting herself into.
"The place was in bad shape financially. Is. Still is. But Maria thought she could turn things around. She took out some loans, reduced some of the hours, worked around the clock... she worked so hard. She loved this place. You have to understand that." Divian got a sort of fire in his eyes at that point, as though this were the most important thing to emphasize.
Whatever had happened, he clearly still loved her.
"But it didn't work. The people she took the loans from, they were not good people. Kept charging more and more interest. Started threatening her. And one day, she just disappeared. Maybe she thought all the problems would go away if she just left. I don't know. I've tried to find her, but it's becoming quite clear she doesn't want to be found."
Divian sighed and sunk further down into his seat.
"Now they come for me. These loan people. They still want their money. And I don't know what to do. I keep hoping, if I can turn this around, if I can pay them off, maybe she will come back. Because that's all I really want. I miss her." His voice broke.
It was an awful story. Annie found herself almost on the verge of tears— it was one thing to lose the person you loved, and another to be left by them, with no idea where they were or whether they were okay, picking up the pieces of their mess.
Annie reached for his hand, her expression ashen. "Divian! That's awful. I'm so sorry," she gasped. "I mean- I can't believe she would just leave you like that. All alone, to handle this by yourself. I mean, you deserve an explanation. And an apology."
"I don't even care about that," Divian admitted. "I just wish I knew she was alright."
@toby-determined
The Secret Menu || Anatoby
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So many of my thoughts recently have just been like
*assailed by Terrors and Woes*... I should maybe talk to someone about this
*further assailed by dissecting the terrors and woes to try and make them go away*... I should specifically be talking to a proffesional about this.
#monster noises#i've always felt a little bit that#for me personally#talking my stuff out to others was rarely helpful#for various reasons#but i feel i've reached a point now where like#the things i need to talk about need to go into the ears of someone who knows what to do with them#if that makes sense?#which is a problem cause i have no access to that#and the mindset also keeps me from at least seeking comfort from my peers even if they can't offer better understanding and solutions#so like#whomp
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i've been diving a lot deeper into adhd symptoms and comorbidities and misdiagnoses and whenever i tell my boyfriend something i learned that sounds like me he responds with something like
#idk he knows me more than anyone bc i can't hide the parts i'm ashamed of from him#last night he was like. yeah EYE think you have adhd but i'm just some guy#idk i'm excited about this not because i want to be Quirky for internet reasons. yknow. but bc i've felt like an impostor of a human being#and i have no sense of self and i can't get myself to do basic tasks and the thought of doing something i don't want to do#genuinely makes me want to throw up/my brain shuts down/i can't think or talk or function to the point where i can't work.#so i can't support myself. so i feel terrible about myself. and i've been in and out of therapy for 20 years and have numerous diagnoses#that have never really felt like they fully encapsulate what's going on. and like. i've kinda just internalized that i'm not as good at#being a person as everyone else because i struggle so so much. like yeah i did well in school but i had to sacrifice literally everything#else to do that. idk how everyone else is managing to have a job and hobbies and friends#i get to pick like. one now. i used to be able to juggle everything to some degree although i felt like i was being careless in all areas#except school. i'm so scared of making mistakes or starting anything or talking to new people or trying new hobbies#because i know it won't interest me more than a couple weeks MAX and i'll feel listless and restless again#and i've come to understand this as part of who i am at my core. i'm just someone who can't commit and isn't reliable or a good friend#i just want so badly for that not to be the case because i want so badly to not be stuck like this#idk im going home to talk to my dad this weekend and just rest because i'm really really not doing well#which is why i'm scrambling to try to figure out what's going on with me because idk how much longer i feasibly can do this#and i might be moving back to the pnw bc therapists in pa don't work with medicaid#and no psychiatrists near me are taking new patients. and i can't work to get on private insurance. but therapists in or do work w medicaid#so idk. again if youre diagnosed w adhd and this sounds not like someone who is consuming social media brain rot content about adhd#but rather someone whose experiences you identify with. please let me know. please please#i am reaching out to professionals also but things move slowly and i'm trying to compile evidence so i don't sound like i'm making it up
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chapter one word count = 34k, chapter two word count = 36k
that means finally, 70k word count in total 🫡
#SEVENTY KAY!!! WE REACHED IT!!!!!!#am I eventually gonna reach the point where my word doc starts lagging lol#still working hard... still doing it.........#we'll get there..... eventually#feeling really good about what I'm currently writing tho!! I have the confidence I need to succeed!!!!!#sorry I'm so slow... I feel really bad for how long this has taken...#I started this fic in january so a month from now and it'll be an entire year that I've been writing it#I've enjoyed writing it but I'm often not sure how to feel about the thing as a whole#but it was good for me to push myself to write something like this haha#I've learned a lot already#once I finish it's gonna feel so relieving lol#aki sex soon I swear by it
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Idk my beloveds but, it's on the mind so imma ramble about it. Possible hot take about the RPC under the cut.
If you've made it this far, hi ilu - but yes, sometimes it bugs me about how serious the community can be sometimes??? Don't get me wrong, I'm not talking about content, triggers, anything that might affect a person's comfort in any way - that's all valid af, absolutely. But, like, the way folk feel like they have to present themselves, the fact that folk can be unfollowed after a short period of time if they haven't reached out or have become inactive (I'm not even talking about months either, but I've read on some blogs that I can be as little as a week), any rules punishing OCs (y'all know that really gets me irked), the sheer emphasis placed on graphics and formatting, and a few other things that have escaped my mind but chances are I'll remember later. Maybe I'm just showcasing the amount of time I've spent writing on and off on this site, but I don't remember things always being this way, and every now and then I wonder if this community is as inclusive and relaxed as it used to be. After all, many of us do what we do here as a form of escapism from real life, or as a way to channel our passion for a fandom and/or character, or for any number of reasons, and while I do agree that a certain etiquette has to be in place, I sometimes have to contemplate if it's been taken too far in one or two ways.
#𝙷𝙾𝙻𝙳 𝙾𝙽 - 𝙿𝙾𝙿𝚂 𝙸𝚂 𝙷𝙰𝚅𝙸𝙽𝙶 𝙰 𝚃𝙷𝙾𝚄𝙶𝙷𝚃. (OOC)#I'll probably delete this at some point BUT#it genuinely gets to me when someone says they don't think I'm approachable because#y'all KNOW I don't take myself seriosuly at all#and the fact that we even feel intimidated or too shy to reach out to others in case we get ignored is??? baffling???#like I said. maybe I've just written here for too long.#but this is meant to be a space to have fun and perhaps every now and again we let trivial things get in the way of that#anyway this is not directed at ANY OF YOU#because I'm selective w who I follow and if there's anything I feel is too harsh in a person's rules#I'm genuinely not interested#because yes rules are absolutely needed to establish polite boundaries#but not to the point where genuinely cool people are being excluded
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#i am at my fucking limit lol#i need to leave this fucking town and this fucking state the very second i can nail down both a car and a remote job#the fucking ''''affordable'''' housing company i rent from has once again opted to start harassing us#and we're once again gonna have to be in a fucking fight with landlords who think that we're making too much money to live in a $1200 apt#and want us to pay $2000 a month for this rathole we live in despite taxes and deductions literally absorbing a quarter of our earnings#so they want to absorb half of what we have left when ive yet to be able to even afford a car that isn't a fucking beater destined for scrap#at least not without using p much all of my current life savings in the process#so we have to instead get around by buses that refuse to actually show up take us on huge detours for no reason have lead feet that-#-exacerbate my chronic pain and - oh! how could i forget? is also horrifically mismanaged to the point where they're now canceling entire-#-bus routes including the one i take to work and ALSO GOES TO THE AIRPORT lol#and nothing will fucking change about the highway robbery rent hikes bc the entire state legislature is filled with and bought by-#-landlords NIMBYs and property management firms.#that's not even getting into the fact that ive got too many traumatic memories too many enemies and not enough good things to show for it#the only thing I've got in this fucking town is my partner bc not even our home can be considered safe anymore.#i want to take them and the home we dream of and get the fuck out bc i can't keep doing this shit#and i can't even fucking talk to them about this bc they need me to be the strong one for once#im so tired. i feel like im in danger even though i know we'd be able to tank the hit to our finances. but i would like to escape.#i know of a city in ny where our $1200 rent is considered the norm. there's also so much more to do within reach that isn't just. drinking.#i wanna go there. i may have had a desire to live there since our vacation there this past March.#but for now im stuck here dreaming of the future and fighting off desperation and despair in the present#this breakdown brought to you by: the bus purposely avoiding my stop this morning after learning my landlord wants to ruin us again#vent
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GIRL HELP WDYM I REACHED 30 TAGS??????? OMG???? I WASN'T EVEN DONE YET
ANYWAYS 31st: and that compared to a relationship where the communication lines are basically none or very fucking weak then yeah it is an upgrade I think. Idfk I was never in a relationship I'm just picking from the ones I've seen in my life
#it's like that one image i saw#under read more too bc i don't wanna get jumpscared#anyways i wanted to say#one thing is that I've been kinda into hlevpeka (how do you even call that?) for like. 2 years? 3?#it's just that it kinda fell off for me once i started thinking about the possibilities of hlevteo (which was around the end of 2023 so)#but ig the myth hunt trio as a whole is kinda making me pick it back#definitely the most underdeveloped out of the 3 tho. i have no idea what could lead to the same guy have weird shit going on with himself#well probably it is a want to learn about himself or something#they were separate for a good while so ig they wanna pick things back and learn together#what makes them them and what they like for themselves#and who can know you better than yourself (?) idk it's weird i need a good excuse still#anywayyyyys#I've also been thinking about something for hlevteo#like bc i want it to have significant differences over teopeka (healthier ones at that) and i think one of them would be like. transparency#and sincerity and “truth” (if you really wanna tie it back to myth hunting)#bc i feel they'd reach a point where they like. can be open with each other right#and i feel that'd amount to like. knowing stuff nobody else does#like teo would tell hlev like. oh yeah me and peka have been around for almost a decade now. yeah it was a very weird thing for those times#i think the reason why im even here with you is bc you remind me of him. ig i just gravitate towards you#and hlev would be like yeah dw it's fine. y'know you also kinda remind me of someone. of like- oh that's gonna be weird to explain#and then he explains to her the whole. Thing. about being a protagonist#and she'd be like “oh huh well alright. that's one more existencial crisis for me. anyways what does that have to do with anything#and he'd be like “yeah ok so the reason why i think im also around you is bc of the power dynamic(?) we have#like you're my boss still and i honestly like that? I think all those years of feeling helpless and powerless have kinda taken a toll on me#and she'd be like “oh huh alright i guess that makes sense. that's kinda sad tho”#(heavy projecting there with That Man™ but it's whatever)#anyways what im trying to say it's that like. it's not that the motives behind the attraction are healthier?#it's moreso the fact they explained them at length to each other that kinda is? bc then they can work from there right?#like they can like. at minimum make them not devolve into something obnoxiously bad
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Hey hello can i be sad on main or will the heavens unleash 7 thousand ravenous hawks upon me
#river rambles#vent post#tw for basically everything bellow just saying it now#sorry the last 8 years of not a single reason to live are getting to me <3#i hate being alive i hate being trans I hate being autistic and not able to work like a normal person#to provide my transition to myself instead of having to rely on parents that kiind of support me? (dad) or are straight up pulling -#the 'you're making MEEE SUICIDAL!' card (mom)#i hate not being able to talk to people like a normal person#it's not even just the autism anymore i feel like i've been the worst version of me for such a long time i dont even know where to start#dysphoria is so fucking bad and getting worse every single day and any semblance of trans positivity winds up feeling toxic#like even body neutrality feels like an insult. im at a point where i want to tear myself apart just when i'm sitting still#i hate being told to wait for things to happen#the dreaded 'it'll get better'#it hasnt#it's been EIGHT. FUCKING. YEARS#nothing helps. i've exhausted every option within reach. no words of encouragement help at all#literally the only OPTION is to wait. and i've had! ENOUGH OF IT!#I've dreaded pride every year because it feels more and more like i'm living a lie being there. im not PROUD of being trans.#All i feel about it is misery. All the time. I hate my body so fucking much i cant do a single thing i want to do#most of my early years after figuring out im trans i tried to just ignore it and focus on pride about my sexuality#since i couln't transition then anyway#but as time went on and i became an adult and there's still not a single glimpse of light on the horizon. I can't focus on it anymore#because you know. those things are interconnected. So now i just feel like an unlovable piece of shit!#Like i will never be what i was meant to be. what i want to look like.#and i dont even want to try for any manner of relationship before that . because even if anyone DID like the current version of me#that's not even me#birth is a curse and existence is a prison etcetera
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Today I realized I have crossed the 30K word count threshold in the draft of book 2 of Where Camellias Blossom
Wh
When did that happen
#writeblr#writing#writers#writing stuff#writers stuff#my wip#wcb#like i had a feeling#because I've been writng a lot recently#so i thought i was maybe around 25K but nope#there's a lot of tension right now in the plot but seeing where im at with the word count things need to start moving asap#so we can reach the second act low point/climax/plot point that'll get us to the third act
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Song of the Day: February 12
“This Is the Life” by Amy MacDonald
#song of the day#this is another one off the playlist I reblogged earlier#I got a handful of new songs off the playlist and this one might be my favorite#she's got a lovely voice and the way the lines of the chorus run together makes it very satisfying to sing along#'the songs they get louder each one better than before#and you're singing the songs thinkin this is the life#and you wake up in the mornin and your head feels twice the size where you gonna go where you gonna go where you gonna sleep tonight?'#I'd like to be asleep myself#reaching the point where thinking feels like juggling eggs and every second of the day I'm haunted by the feeling I've forgotten something#I haven't lost the ability to spell or to type or--and actually that quick-run chorus makes today's song a very good metric for this--#I haven't lost the coordination that lets my mouth keep up with my mind#if I start having trouble typing or singing fast then we'll know I've hit the sleep-deprivation point where I shouldn't chop my own veggies#which is worse than any of the aches and other bullshits that come with being too tired you know because it's just /inconvenient/#nothing worse than feeling bad /and/ now there's something mildly aggravating going on#nobody else does the food prep right!
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Ok I was right to take up knitting again I'm having so much fun and it's not even hard to me anymore I guess I needed a 9 month break
#I'm like already almost done with this hat and I feel motivated to start a new project after that's more complex cos basically#This is pathetic but I've tried to take up knitting like 4 times in the past 5 years and EVERY TIME I get halfway through my first project#And then give up because I fuck it up so bad. But I guess I'm finally either good enough now or I've just reached a point in my life where#I can finally be patient with myself so I don't know. Anyway yippee yay
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Anyway the more time passes the more I'm considering becoming a tattoo artist. Any mutuals have or know of anyone with experience in that field? ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
#i need a positive change in my life#I recently ended a 4 year long relationship#many of my friends are steadily drifting away from me as they get tangled up in new marriages and their own responsibilities#I live 5 mins away from my mom and I think I saw her a total of 4 or 5 times last year...?#And things just feel awkward now whenever I DO see her#while working from home is great and all it can be pretty isolating#Not horrible because I am an introvert afterall but sometimes I just wish I had someone to go through it with and relate to ya know?#I know I sound hella whiny but I've just reached this point where starting from scratch feels really fucking enticing lmao#but simultaneously scary because I'm NOT a risk taker and it's not like I'm made of money#anyway 💀#did not expect my tags to go this route but whatever#matchamenace#matcha blogs!#matcha vents!
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I still got it boys
I got the Top 4.47% on this English Vocabulary test
#i guessed the FUCK out of most of the last few though#the last ten? i dunno.#i was an avid reader as a kid#even now I love nothing more than to learn something new. like what a kerfuffle is.#like what kind of word is that?#anyways. what prev said.#I also feel like there's a point where you reach words that are archaic or barely exist#The point of language is to convey information clearly and concisely#Having people ask you what a word means because no one uses it anymore is not “concise” imo#<<<prevs tags#because yes you should say it. you should say it loud and clear actually.#a lot of people. especially Americans. are meant to feel stupid because of scored tests like this#when really it's just a contest of the nerds that still have something to prove#it's dumb. overvalued and underachieved. and that kills a lot of people's willingness to learn#i promise you.#if more people were congratulated on taking the time and effort to read when they were younger#we wouldn't be picking up scraps as adults to prove that we're good enough.#and that especially goes for kids with learning disabilities#disabilities suck in general. but having an INVISIBLE disability that so many people deem as fake and call you dumb ANYWAYS?#that's fucked up#i should know.#I've literally got a handful myself#so yeah. don't feel bad if your scores aren't high as fuck. you're still smart and good and all the good things.#you just probably didn't search the backends of the dictionary as a kid and that's OKAY.#if you're an ex gifted kid who's regressing and you don't score high as fuck that's OKAY.#you're probably a lot more focused on other shit than just learning a bunch of words. like. i don't know. bills? food? work?#obvs sorry to throw in an anti self hate program in here but like. prevs tags got me thinking and i figured i might as well reassure others#as well as myself.#because i definitely took this test thinking it'd define my entire world.#it will not.
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